#not expecting ppl to read this I'm just venting

[pepsicolabunches]

Getting a bit really stressed about my roommates not working. One is making ei so there's at least some money coming in for rent, but the other quit her job a couple months ago (right after we moved to the new, big house) and has had to ask for everyone else to cover her portion of the rent...

I can't really help much because I don't really even make enough for food, let alone an entire other persons rent

To be clear, I'm not asking tumblr to help with my financial struggles. If you want to help people, there are countless people in crisis that you can donate to. There are people in your own community who could use that help.

I just need somewhere to vent about the fear I'm feeling about my situation. If we get evicted because we couldn't pay rent, I'm absolutely certain I won't be able to find another place, and could end up homeless which, as a disabled person barely holding on, sometimes in constant pain, I can tell you that I will not make it on the streets.

Luckily I do have people in my life that I can temporarily move in with, but not with my stuff. And I do have a lot of stuff. Mostly books and clothes. Almost all the books I've lugged with me across Canada, through my many many moves.

I'm very grateful for consistently having a place to live, enough to slowly acquire many things. Not things that are worth anything, I can't sell them or anything. And I don't want to. Maybe it's a bit selfish but I've worked my ass off dealing with working while being in severe pain. Working while recovering from surgeries. Also, as a person living in poverty, having things means I don't need to buy those things. Which is good because I do not have the funds to just buy things when I need them.

Most of my things I've had for most of my life.

Idk

Idk where my brain was going with this I just... Idk I'm making this about me I suppose. And also about so many other people struggling through poverty. It's like, really really expensive to not have the money for things. I buy cheap items because I can't afford expensive things. I buy things when they are on sale even if I can't afford them because I know it will last longer than buying it cheap.

I've messed up my guts cuz I haven't eaten properly in more than a decade. Not having enough energy to make food means I have to buy things that are really easy to make. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet and spend so much fucking money on getting food delivered because I'm in so much pain I can barely walk to the bathroom, let alone the grocery store and then also making food. Last month I cried making a sandwich because it was too painful.

I guess this is about fear. I'm already aware that there aren't really any systems in place to help people who need it. The systems in place are overworked because they aren't funded properly. They don't really have any solutions for ppl struggling to make rent/buy food. Definitely no solutions for people who are poor and also have health issues. For some reason they expect disabled people to be able to access the same solutions which, often is not possible.

Doctors keep suggesting my roommates act as some kind of a care aide, getting my food, making my food, helping with cleaning, driving me places. But also don't think I have severe enough pain to actually suggest getting a care aide. They just assume my friends/partner are fully willing and able to support me out of the goodness of their hearts. As if the people around me are not also struggling. As if I could just put the responsibility of taking care of a person onto someone who very much did not offer their help. And they shouldn't. I'm absolutely not putting myself in the situation where I am at the mercy of other people's unpaid labour. These are my friends, not my personal workers.

I was trying to get a service dog, but they cost a whopping $40,000. I cannot afford $300/month for food, so there's not a chance in hell I could ever get one. The nonprofit organization that might have covered the cost of it is already full (waitlist also full) so if that ever happens it will be years from now.

Every solution requires a lot of effort (that, again, I do not have the energy for). Every problem requires solutions that do not exist.

I'm doing the absolute best I can and I'm just, acutely aware that it is not enough.

Feeling the weight of stress piling up on me... When I ask for relief, all I get is more steps to climb.

Feeling trapped in this body which is absolutely constantly reminding me of how I am unable to do the things I need to do. If it's not one thing, it's another. I had 7 months of every day pain so bad I had to go to the er many times. Do I know why? No. I'm just grateful I have had a couple weeks of not that specific type of pain. Not that I'm pain free of course. Going to the grocery store a couple blocks away, filling up a rolling cart ($130 of food that won't even last me a week), not making it home without crying because I can feel bones scraping together in my hips (no, not arthritis, just cuz it wants to :))

Genuinely, not sure what I'm supposed to do. Everything I do feels like too much and also not enough. Feels like I'll never climb out of the hole I've wiggled my way into.

So terrified that I will have to deal with all of this while also not having stable housing

Im not expecting anyone to read all of this, I'm just, needing to put this somewhere. Getting the stress out of my brain (hopefully)

[spocks-kaathyra]

.

[dangerous-disposition]

People: [read a Steddie fic]

Steddie Fic: [is about Steddie and the characters in it are largely focused on the Steddie aspect as it is... A fic about Steve and Eddie. Maybe hones in on Robin being the first gay person Steve has probably KNOWN he's fucking met in his entire life and plays on that for his Sexuality Crisis]

People: why do all the characters seem to only care about Steddie? Why do these Steddie fics that are about Steve and Eddie not show the women do anything that aren't about Steve and Eddie? This fandom has a woman problem.

[freyjas-musings]

at this point if sjm record herself and says Elain and Azriel are not endgame but she's wearing a pink shirt with flowers on it they'll be like OMFG E/RIEL IS ENDGAME she's just trying to keep us on our toes and not spoil anything and keep us surprised...

I'm so tired of their shit. god this fandom exhausts me and at this point I think the publishers and even sjm are doing this on purpose so ppl doesn't stop talking about the books...

and tbh I'm so fkn scared that of the day they confirm Gwynriel/Elucien endgame, hell will break loose and the hate toward sjm and the fans will be unstoppable and it gives me anxiety just thinking about it...

I think people fail to realise, she is currently talking about a book that comes after the next ACOTAR one, it means she has completed the ACOTAR book she was writing and is currently going through edits . Irrespective of how noisy people are being it won't stop from Azriel's book from being next .

HOFAS makes it so much more obvious and at this stage Elriel is not happening a 100% ... Its either Gywn or a new LI... given further mate parallels with Ruhn Lidia in HOFAS I am confident Gwyn is Azriels mate and hence endgame. Trust the books and your reading comprehension.

I know it can be annoying but at this stage I simply don't pay attention to Elriels , low grade interns or random articles that specify "Fan speculation" I have reached my threshold for tolerating "fandom drama" . I really suggest you completely ignore the Elriels at this point. I don't see them improving any time soon , I don't expect it either.

I understand the need to vent sometimes but beyond that there is literally nothing to be worried about or be scared about.

[seawitchkaraoke]

I hope you realize you're literally telling women they're hysterical for having issues with not being represented fairly by a large corporation. Like? That's unironically a thing you're doing. Be better friend come on.

i know i'm not always perfect at expressing myself but I'm pretty sure I'd remember calling anyone 'hysterical'. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be upset. I'm not saying you shouldn't wish for and ask for more representation. my main issue with a lot (not all!) of the posts I've seen about the topic are

a) that they're saying trans women are uniquely not getting represented on dropout unlike all the other minorities (or even saying they're getting zero rep at all) - not true, there's plenty of other minorities not getting a whole lot of rep. I don't recall any trans men on D20 for example though hey i might be forgetting someone. Really not many binary trans ppl in general.

and b) saying that the little transfemme rep must mean dropout ''hates'' trans women. I get in a lot of cases this is semantics and not smth the op actually believes but I've seen it expressed sincerely too and that one just has me puzzled. Why would they be cool with enby ppl but hate trans women? But I guess still hire Persephone multiple times to what, look better?

This kind of post might just be vent rants which hey, i get it, I do that too sometimes. But it's not particularly helpful or productive towards actually getting dropout to do better. (This ask is actually a good example of what bothers me bc you accused me of ''unironically'' and ''literally'' calling ppl hysterical which I did not do. Say it reads like that to you, say at most I (unintentionally) implied that or whatever, but don't put words in my mouth, y'know?)

The thing is, any company or organisation or whatever that tries for diversity is gonna be missing a whole lot of demographics, bc there's simply too many ways to be a human. We could also argue about dropout's lack of representation for visibly disabled people and maybe we should! I'm not saying shut up and never complain, I'm saying maybe they don't hate uniquely you, maybe they've just not thought to hire specifically more trans women, maybe it's actually just random chance or maybe they haven't optimised their casting process perfectly to make sure there's no hidden biases there. That's an issue sure, but considering how college humor looked 10 years ago (very white men dominated), I trust them to a degree to continue working on including more and more kinds of people - this isn't blind faith. They've started a progress and I expect them to continue it.

Also I meant it when I said suggest some trans women comedians. To the general fandom on tumblr, sure, bc I'd love to know more, but also a fan got Thomas Sanders on um actually by tweeting at Ify so.... bringing specific trans women you like to the show runners attention might actually work as well (though obviously isn't guaranteed to)

[chlorinecake]

I just saw what that anon said and I can really really relate I feel like there's no way I can like them cuz I'm black I feel like. Weird for having a crush on Ni-ki cuz I'm black and even though I know there's no chance anyway cause he probably doesn't date fans obviously lol It makes me ashamed especially because people are always saying "what if / he probably doesn't like black girls/people" and it makes me feel like I'm less beautiful because I'm black and even if he did date fans I mean I'm like SOOOO ugly like atrocious but it makes me feel like even if I was a little bit more pretty he wouldn't like me or would dismiss me cause I'm black or like I wouldn't be good enough or he'd be disgusted or disappointed or weirded out because I'm black and a fan /has a crush on him and besides him it makes me feel like enhypen wouldn't talk to me or treat me the same cuz I'm not Asian or white like I couldn't be a fan or wouldn't be as important or pretty or cool or even just they wouldnt want me as a fan or like me or even look my way cause im black its gotten so bad that people dont evn have to say that anymore (they do but they dont have too) for me to think that way. Like I know we all saw that pretty engene video with that girl with the glasses and i couldn't help but make it about race like thinking would they look at me like that or would I be ugly abd weird cause I'm black ? Or if she was black would they still think she's pretty? Or would they even put the camera on her if she was black ? Anyway I'm rambling but being black is something I struggle with even without people saying the group I like or the guy I have a crush on (Niki obviously) wouldn't like me or would hate me for being black . Or they would be uncomfortable or disgusted with me because I'm black so it's just hard to even see myself meeting them or *even to imagine myself in reader fanfics even if the reader's supposed to be black because I've convinced myself that the only way I'd be pretty or attractive or they'd be friends withe or date me in Ni-kis case is if I was white or Asian* (*just talking about from a fanfic standpoint for this one* but yeah) but yeah it sucks and

Okay, I REFUSE to sit here and let you talk down on yourself like that. I don’t care how true you may think it is, YOU ARE NOT UGLY, Mirah ~ You’re beautiful, from head to toe, melanated skin, curly hair and all. Black women are beautiful, it’s disgusting to me how society has brought some of us to a point where we feel insecure, undesirable, or unworthy of affection from others. My words might not do much to encourage you, because finding confidence (esp as a black girl) takes time. But I really urge you to understand that you can’t expect other ppl to accept you when you don’t even accept yourself. Wish I could give you the BIGGEST hug rn, bc this actually hurts to read :(

Another point, I’ve seen plenty videos of Enhypen (along with other kpop groups) connecting with colored fans in the same way they do with their supporters of a fairer complexion, but I won’t share any of those videos here bc I don’t want you to seek “proof” as a way for you to feel better abt yourself.

On the flip side, let’s say that some ppl in the kpop industry DO have a prejudice (which I’m sure some do): your life and happiness isn’t dependent on their validation.

Let’s not even get started on how a lot of Ni-Ki’s favorite artists are black (Riki Jackson ? Bro would’ve never called himself that if he was racist)… but anyway, colored people like any other group of individuals can b really amazing once they get past their insecurities and embrace the way God made them. Jst know that u can always come to be if your struggling with something or just want to vent <3

[solar-sunnyside-up]

I feel so fucking helpless. since this is anonymous i'm gonna come right out and say it, I'm a minor, and because of that there is so fucking little I can do about anything, especially with conservative parents and it just feels like I'm constantly failing to live up to my own expectations and aspirations but also I understand that as a legal child it makes sense there's things that I can't do but it also just feels like massive fucking excuse.

The only activism I can do is from behind a fucking screen under a fake name by writing to politicians who i'm 90% never read my emails anyway but I still have to write cause I need to show that people do care about these issues and at the same time I can't vote on them I can't donate to causes I'm just suck screaming into the void and nothings there to scream back.

I barely talk to my friends about this because they're also unsure of the world we live in yeah, but their parents are progressive and listen to them and I don't wanna drag them down plus I've tried to get them more into this stuff and it just doesn't work and I don't know what to do about it and I can't talk to the school counselor about this cause I don't know her political leanings and in my experience you can't trust an adult with the location of your Halloween candy you really think she's gonna not snitch?

I just have to watch and listen and stay quiet about the adults in my life's actions cause if I speak up I risk losing the one route of activism I have.

I'm sorry if this is too long, or too personal, I don't know where else to talk about this. Sorry

Don't be sorry. Never, sprout, never be sorry for feeling anything but particularly the rage and horror you feel. It's well earned.

All of this is exactly how I felt as a teen too. Isolated, alone, helpless under capitalism and being a minor is it's own oppressed class within every other oppressed group your likely apart of. You have every right to feel this way. But if I can give one speck of hope to you? Take it or leave it of course, but..

I have also been writing emails like crazy and gentle parenting ppl in goverment. I've also heard back from almost all of them after 6+ months. Several things that the writing campaigns where trying to complish have actually gone through! Mainly the transit ones. We managed to revive an entire transit project in my city and got several more votes towards rent caps as examples within the last few months. Ppl are forced to read it wheather or not they reply, so do whatever you want and have fun where you can.

That being said, personally I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't get out of the nihilism hole until after my teens. I tried and tried to make the jump to absurdist theory but my brain just wasnt baked enough yet if you wanna place to vent or some books/music recs for it tho feel free to dm! There is a horrible but small change you won't stop feeling like this until they are over.

[totallynoteggos]

lol hey this is just a vent post abt my life rn I don’t really expect any on u to read this

Tw if you do read this: talk of Anxiety, ppl not understanding neurological limitations, talk of vauge self exit and SH (its very minor) overall vent post shit

Sorry u have to see me in such a shifty mental state but I need to get this off my chest before I resort to violence

Once again, not KND stuff this is a Vent Post

I’m not neurotypical by any means I'm on some spectrum but all we know so far is that I have OCD and Anxiety. Also I'm going into the 9th grade which that In of itself is a stressful situation but in the last four years I've never stayed in the same school so seeing the same people is hella new to me. I have this really bad habit of going no contact with people after the school year is over because I usually never see them again. My mom can't seem to understand that there are simply things I can't do because of the anxiety & OCD (and I'm not using this as a reason to act out or defy her) abt 2 weeks ago we went to get food, now usually I order my food to make sure I get what I like and not have a mixup. And pls notice this was after a week long “vacation” that ended up being stressful and draining. But anyways there was a mixup and I ended up with a burger with all toppings instead of plain, which caused me to panic because I was hungry and stressed before already. And instead of trying to accommodate she stood firm in her beliefs that I need to get over it and just eat the damn burger. And I heavily insisted on not eating it and eating the fries instead. After a argument (and at the instance of my grandma) she bought me another burger and while in line I told her outright that there are some things that I physically can't do or else they send me into a panic. She that said that she “gets that” but I don't have to act out In front of my grandma which she idolized. And now like I said with the whole start of school she's saying “it wont be your best years if you don't let it be your best years” but I don't think she understands that I don't know how to do that. I've moved around a lot and I've been made fun of a lot due to my interests, hobbies and simply just to be the clown. Most of the people I befriend end up getting annoyed or just keep me around until I say something that doesn't make me the dumb and “quirky” one. And like I said I suck at keeping contact and now everyone still has their old friend groups and mine just see me as a joke or weirdo now. Its stressing me out so much and its only been two days, hell yesterday I would have thrown up from the stress but because I was so stressed I didn't eat shit so I didn't throw up. School stresses me out so much it's unimaginable, its the people, the sounds, the halls, the fact that people won't leave you alone, someone always talking or screaming, just please shut the fuck up so I can learn and be out of here. And god its so fucking hard not feeling what everyone else around you feels. My moms getting upset at me for not wanting to go on the busses when I have gone on one and it left 20 fucking minutes from my house cus the lady was screaming and I got scared as was about to cry. And now she wants me to try again with kids I don't fucking know who some how don't know personal space or manners. And back to the emotions things, why the fuck don't I feel the same as them, god I feel so fucking robotic compared to my mother and everybody else but they also make me feel like a god damned mutt. On one hand they think it's weird that I don't want to talk or to Interact but somehow don't realize that it's their fault I don't want to, and on the other hand whenever I'm upset or angry and actually show it its MY fault. Because apparently since I'm the youngest of my family im supposed to have the personality of pinkie pie and I have no problems. And because I'm quiet, friendly or just shy and I'm supposed to control my emotions because I'm a “young lady”. I've tried talking to my mom about home school because my school has that as a option but she says that I can't hide when she's been doing that too. Sometimes I feel like she cares more for the happiness of those she wants to impress rather than that of her family. But god if all of life feels like this then count me out cus its too much to be alive right now. I think ima take a shot or three of night quill and hopefully sleep until ITs to late to go to school

Goodnight

[mistralxsoul]

//I know I keep doing this and I apologize but replies are going to be a bit spaced out for a while (like they weren't already) so I'm probably going to officially say that I'm going to be on a Semi-Hiatus until further notice.

What this means is I'll work on replies when motivation strikes me so there may be days at a time where I don't reply. Thank you for your patience.

For reasons why, I'll put under a read more.

//Vent warning and all that.

I'm on Mobile at the moment so I probably won't go for too long but I'm taking this semi-hiatus for a couple of reasons.

The big one right now is that real life has dealt me a really bad hand and will not slow down in the slightest. Between family expectations, a car accident (I'm fine), car repairs, being forced to buy a new laptop bc my cat demolished my old one and a bunch of other things that keep happening, I'm not really doing too great at the moment. I'm stressed beyond belief.

Which leads into reason #2 and #3: depression has been beating me down into the ground lately. I can't bring myself to focus on replies a lot of the time just due to me being extremely tired all the time, whether I sleep or not. And it's being doing numbers on my confidence as a writer. I wanna reach out and interact with new ppl but

hoo boy I am terrified beyond words bc the brain is convinced that I am a pretty mid writer.

So tldr, I'm struggling with a lot physically and mentally and anything that I DO work on is self indulgent stuff.

Im sorry again if I take a while to reply to anyone. I try my hardest but I'm running out of steam irl and I'm running out of energy to give.

Hoping the anti-depressants calm me down and that I can get my irl issues out of the way soon bc I adore Flynn with all of my being and soul and I love writing him and exploring his character like this.

Thank you again for your patience.

[toyfii]

jst a vent, cw small sui mention, some gender stuff, self image

if I weren't used to being ignored + scared of being ignored, i would be the nicest person ever. lol im scared of saying nice things to ppl bec i think i seem creepy and invasive all the time. thats why they always ignore me, right? theyre probably uncomfortable, i did something wrong i acted too weird im not like this, usually i just stay silent and know my place, why would a disgusting creature like medare talk to them and expect a response?

and then all the little friendships that couldve been beautiful.. they all fall apart and i avoid looking them in the eyes and pretend i dont see them, and i get out of my way to avoid them and avoid walking past them at any costs. even if i literally have to hide and wait, or walk in the opposite direction of where i was.

this happens to all the people i like (including online ppl too) i just stop responding to messages properly, or i pretend I'm not online bc i think that whatever i say is going to make you upset and uncomfortable and creeped out.

i def internalize all the complaints about men that i see online. ik that's probs where the fear of being creepy and invasive comes from. bc i was born with XY chromosomes and have short hair and facial hair and body hair and a wider bofy and broader shoulders and deeper voice and wear the same gross ugly clothes every time i go out and so i must be like them i must be gross and apathetic and objectifying and i must be acting in an invasive way im probably objectifying them im probably making them scared i should kill myself, people say all men should die so why cant i just do that already? obviously nobody needs me and it seems like so many people actually WANT me to disapprar bc im a "man". tbh it scares me so much to call myself that. esp online. bc irl of course everyone says "he" and use my name bc i am clearly a man irl. but online, i dont show myself ofc. so it feels like people online treat me completely differently and it makes me cry bc i know this would never happen irl.

and it also makes me feel creepy bc i dont say that im a man. i dnteven know. i hate calling myself that, idk if its because i am actually nonbinary or if its because i just dont want to be treated like i do irl. i feel fake for not saying that im a man online, because if you were to see me irl all that would come to your mind is.. yeah. lol i dont even tell anyone irl not even ppl who are nb or genderqueer etc. because its obvious im faking bc i dont look ambiguous enough, and i dont act ambiguous enough. im just some man, obviously.

its an exhausting cycle bc the only people i get to talk to now are other boys, even though i dont want to; even though talking to them reinforces the image of me as just another man. like i dont *hate* them ofc its just.. i dont want to talk to them. but i pretend that i do, and i put up facades to act like how they act, talk like they do. bc ik that theyd see me weird otherwise.

and ik that talking to the people i actually like, those people would see me weird bc theyre used to seeing me talking with boys in my fake way. my fake personality looks like my real personality, so my real personality appears fake, too. at least thats what i think. im too scared to go up and talk to any of the nice kids anymore. bc why would they want to talk to one of the boring mean apathetic boys. ig its just life. i cnt change it, im just stuck in this cycle unless i like.. disappear....

ive never talked about these thoughts with anyone else bfore because it just feels so taboo, ive never seen anyone else have similar experiences. so probably the few people who saw my post, read the entire thing, and is reading this now, will think im gross and leave too. ig its life.. you all would find out eventually and leave anyways. im destined to be alone, but its my fault for being gross and cold and uncomfortable.

[koka-mi]

vent under the cut you don't need to read if you don't want to!!!!!!!

I honestly hateee opening up or oversharing with ppl. it's kind of like eating for me where it feels okay in the moment but then afterwards I just feel awful. it feels like I'm attention seeking or saying someone else's experience isn't valid for some reason and it sucks. I don't do it at all with ppl I just met but with friends I tend to get carried away with it sometimes,,,

It hurts even more because I've been distancing myself from ppl bcz I'm scared of this exact thing happening. People have messaged me before, saying I seem cool and they want to be friends. And I get happy in the moment, but then I get really anxious about accidentally getting too comfortable and blurting out personal things, because then their opinion of me will wane and they'll think I'm annoying or ungrateful. So I subconsciously begin to distance myself and take a while when responding to messages, because I'm scared of getting too comfortable with them. But now I'm anxious that they think I'm cold or distant and that I secretly don't like them. It's just a lose lose situation mannn </3

I have so many DMs I've put off responding to, and I've stopped talking in servers as much bcz I'm scared of getting close with ppl in them. I really feel bad for it, though. I've drifted from friends bcz of that and it sucks because I genuinely love them a lot. I love everyone I talk to a lot and they always make my day better--I just wish I could be the same for them. I feel like it's a chore to talk to me. I honestly don't know what to do. It's even worse when I get close to someone bcz they like what I make/post because again, now that they've seen how I really am and I've opened up, they more than likely see me as annoying or a bad person. Like it hurts enough whenever we become friends naturally talking, but if it's with someone who's seen me at my "best" and has seen things I work on or stories I've created, they ofc associate me with those things, and their expectations of me are through the roof. So when I disappoint them it hurts a lot more. I hate getting attached to people it hurts so much

[bandzboy]

i'm so worried abt soobin like the fact he wrote a handwritten letter & posted it makes me feel so sad.. he shouldn't have had to do that but i understand it was mostly for moas sake. & all i see on twt is moas downplaying it & not treating his situation as anything serious which is pissing me tf off. honestly kpop twt is just a whole shitshow in general but it still somehow leaves me in disbelief how ppl ignore things & would rather fight abt stupid shit than worry abt what's happening to their favs & the emotional & physically things they're going through. like beomgyu literally hurt his foot a few months back & even then he barely got a break???? they scream abt wanting them to have a break and rest but then ignore everything a day later like what???? srry for venting in ur asks but everything that's been happening to these idols is rlly upsetting & the fact these companies keep treating them like objects instead of humans makes me mad, the same way "their fans" try to preach they're not doing but literally treat them the way their company expects, which is like an object. also srry if none of this makes sense its 6am, i should sleep anyways gn thanks for reading all this & srry again for ranting. 😭

don't feel bad for ranting this is all very valid! also i totally forgot beomgyu hurt his foot a while ago and he didn't get proper time to rest for that either omfg but yeah, the way twt stans react to these situations always leaves me in disbelief. they are gonna try to get hit tweets out of this situation and not even do anything about it. i already see tweets on my for you tab of just that and i know for a fact these people don't care about their well being at all.

what i keep learning time and time again, is that kpop fans just want entertainment and to not talk about how bad this industry is towards idols. i feel like, as fans, we should always acknowledge that while we consume their music and see their performances and also consume content. this is a conversation that should be had in our space and should be taken seriously but i remember a while back when my moa mutuals and i were concerned about them having yet another comeback and other moas on twt were telling the moas that were concerned to not talk about it because we were "ruining the mood" and we should be "happy" for them. it's mind boggling because i can't be happy in this situation knowing they had to rehearse for a comeback while also preparing for a tour and, as much these people wanna make you believe this is normal, it's not.

now we got to an extreme situation which was a member going on hiatus and it being the leader it makes everything more complicated and hard. i knew the minute soobin did a handwritten letter and posted it that this situation was definitely very serious and i think it's finally dawning on everyone that it is very serious because beomgyu was crying on live in front of thousands of fans and i don't think this would happen unless he wasn't very affected as well. i hate how moas on twt are gonna treat this as another "cute" moment that proves how close they are and not as something severe that needs to be actually discussed as a fandom. we could absolutely fight for their rights but these people would rather not talk about it because they are so concerned about their own entertainment and interests that they end up seeing txt as just that: a source of entertainment and not humans.

as you know, i'm constantly advocating for a hybe boycott (i think it's obvious by now kdjgkd) but days ago, there was this anti boycotter moa that posted a notes app rant about how a boycott would hurt txt and even went on to call them "products" and i don't even know if they realized they did it but i feel like that was a slip and that's how they genuinely see them. these kpop twt stans talk like music executives. they are constantly bringing up stats, stream numbers and album sales like that's so god damn important. we have a member that went on hiatus recently and this is all you care about? truly just depraved. i was once again reminded how this mass streaming/mass consumption culture that is so present in kpop nowadays is destroying kpop stans view on idols to the point they don't even realize they are dehumanizing idols. it's very bleak and i just wanna do everything i can to help.

this year has been a mess for kpop. that's why most of the year i was so disconnected to it because i was not enjoying any release because there was always some sort of problem happening. there's a humongous list of bad things that happened that just outweighed the good ones and from what i've seen, a lot of people agree on this. working with zionists, kicking out idols out of groups for dating, overworking them, mistreating them, the media going on a witch hunt to tear down anybody and anyone, the hybe vs min heejin debacle that ended up involving groups that didn't need to be involved and i could go on because this is what i remember from the top of my head (lmao).

all of this to say... we should do better. we should 100% try to get these companies to us no matter what. i feel like these situations will get worse since these companies are getting more and more desperate for money since many of them have huge debts and so what will happen is that idols will get even more overworked and mistreated and we need to actually speak up and take action. boycotting is one of them, talking about it constantly is another, and mobilizing people in any way also helps. if you are not happy about these situations just do something! just do anything!

[tom-keifer]

I saw someone vent to you, I’ve never really vented to anyone before but, I just tell you, I relapsed last week, it only gotten worst, I’m homeless and I barley have food to eat, and when I do eat I get fat shamed from my father, my mother is a junkie, she just never cares, I have no one, the girl I love, I feel like she barley hears me, no one hears me, death seems like the only option right now.

(I literally feel guilty sending this, I just don’t know what do to, I don’t know how to get help LMAFO 😄🙌)

Mb chat I’m kinda sarcastic I just can’t be sad for too long, literally will crash out!!

Aw baby. You're not fat, sweet thing you're gorgeous(I use the term gorgeous for both Boys and girls, just btw-) your father seems like an asshole, and your mother- well yes a junkie. Parents are hypocrites(some, not all), they have no right to treat you the way they do, no one deserves to be treated like that. And being homeless is hard and I don't understand why you derseve to be put in that situation, you deserve love, everyone does. And about your girl, if she dosent seem to hear you I'm not sure what to say about that, I'm to scared to actually be in a relationship so I have few experiences with that(I've dated around 3 ppl, but it was short, so yeah. That's my explanation), but if she dosent seem to hear you I believe thats definitely a problem, especially from someone who choose to love you for you and your problems.

Don't kys, love. I know so many ppl say that and expect others to just not do it. I know my words probably won't really affect your mood, I'm also aware you're not doing this for attention, but someone out there does love you, your parents idk, your girl, idk. But someone out there does, and it's worth living for, even if it takes months, years to even find the person who loves you, it's worth the wait, is it not? It's going to be. Personally I think life is fucking stupid and humans, emotions all that crap should've never been made, but here we stand. And from what I've read, and heard from others, love is great, it's passionate, and worth the while/wait. I'm telling you baby, wait it out, let life smack you in the fucking face. It's going to, we're only here to populate, and help the world spin. Many people know that, but many people stay because they want love. So what I'm saying is; it's not your time to go, not til Fate is decided, don't do it my love, and if you ever feel the urge again, I'm always here, dms are always open, though I'm through a fucking screen, I'll listen to everything you have to say. I'm always here sweet thing.

[golbrocklovely]

covered their names. i get that pretty much anyone could find their names out there, i'm just not gonna be the place for that. hope you understand.

short answer, yeah. longer answer, kind of lol

i do think they have something going on with them, i just don't know if that thing is serious/long term. but i don't think they are just friends with the girls, like some fans are trying to imply.

slight side tangent to your ask, but... i get that a lot of fans want an answer. they want to know if snc are truly dating these girls, and they want that answer to come directly from snc. i understand that. however, there is one fan in particular that has made it their soul mission to just constantly bombard snc, asking if the m and k are their gfs. and it's very odd and weird behavior to have, even for a fan.

respectfully, no one deserves an answer. you (not you specifically anon, just the general fandom) are not owed an answer. snc don't have to share anything with us about their private lives.

and before anyone reading this gets pissy and says "oh but they don't hide it either, so what do they expect? if they want privacy, they shouldn't post anything at all". first and foremost, the reason we even know about these girls is bc THEY posted shit before and then pics LEAKED of snc and them on nye. snc had no involvement in any of this shit happening. sure, sam comments on the girls pics. and they reposted them to their story like once. they've done that with other girls too, idk why this is the one that deserves an explanation.

not to mention, snc are allowed to share and not share shit about their private lives. it's odd to see many fans have the sentiment of "if they don't want ppl to comment on it, they shouldn't post anything about it". you are a person with a public profile who posts about their private life, correct? does that mean a random nobody is allowed to come up in your dms and say this that and the other thing about you, just bc you posted publicly about something? no. so then why is that allowed with snc? just bc they're public figures? bc they make money online via fans? i don't get it.

bc even if snc never posted about their private lives, yall would speculate. yall would make up shit and run with it, which is what happens anyway. so it's a catch 22 regardless.

just be nice and have sympathy. and know when not to cross boundaries. it's that simple. holy shit lol

(again, none of this is directed at you anon. this is mostly just me venting)

[broodygaming]

.

Juuust venting.

Idk. I don't even expect ppl to read this, it's okay, I'm fine literally just typing it out for the sake of typing it out cuz I don't have anyone I can chat about it with.

But I'm 30 years old, disabled and living with my mom and things have gone from weird to bad to worse and idk what to do about it. I can't get a job, I can't work, I can't seem to qualify for disability. I can't seem to do anything.

My mom is a good kind person in so many things. But idk. I think she really genuinely didn't think that me moving in with her would be permanent. I think she just assumed I'd get it together and get a job and leave again. I was always the most self sufficient kid. I moved away! I was doing good! So it seemed from a distance anyways.

Now it's like, every day she's just MAD that I just can't do things. She gets mad that I'm forgetful or that my spoons are like 0 all the time. She gets mad that I'm not magically clearing the entire property by myself or I'm not building all these things or doing all these things. She just gets mad mad mad that I don't function. I think it just confuses her? Or scares her? Idk. And she'll weaponize my disability in this really weird way. She'll say things like "well if you're really THAT disabled maybe I should hire a baby sitter for you because you can't be trusted to be alone." Literally. And when I say no, that's weird I don't need that - it OF COURSE means I must just be lying about how bad everything else is!

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have one single friend in the universe and things are always kinda tense with her too. She's offered to let me come stay in her shed, haha. Her husbands a contractor so that's not as bad as it sounds. He'd make it nice and functional. But it would ruin our relationship.

It's not sustainable to just couch hop, I can feel kind people thinking of typing out an offer - but lbr, that's just not sustainable. I'm not going to magically get better. I'm not temporarily out of work. It's not just for until I get things "figured out". I need a permanent solution.

So I'm genuinely thinking of just refurbishing my truck and putting a mattress in the back and buying a recharable solar battery and a fancy bucket and going on the road. It's an old truck (almost 300K miles!! YES you read that right!! Old ass work truck!! but it runs really well and is stupid sturdy). And maybe just living off the cash assistance I get from the government and camping? I like to camp, I like being outside. And maybe I just sleep in my truck in parking lots and then for a few nights of the week stay at a campsite to freshen up?

Lots of people do it, so I know it's doable. It'd be hard to give up creature comforts like plumbing and really (I know this is dumb but) my computer. I like video games haha, it's one of my fav past times. I know my bigger hold ups should be like, security and warmth and shit. But still. I have so much time and energy put into these stupid pixels it's hard to imagine giving that up.

And my animals! I'd have to sell my goats, probably just give my chickens to my neighbors. And even though it's literally so so irresponsible, I'm taking my fucking dog. I've had to give up one dog previously because I was temporarily homeless and couldn't find a rentable space that was pet friendly. And I swore I'd never do it again. Plus - even though it's irresponsible and her food costs easily 80 bucks a month - I actually think I'd be a lot safer with her with me. And less alone. I think she'd love it, tbh. I don't think this would permanently burn bridges with my mom. She'd be mad, but if I called her and said Dahlia's sick I need money for a vet she'd give it to me. And if she wouldn't, my friend would and they have money to spare. So I actually think, out of everything that's not that big of a gamble. I have a safety net for her. And I'm good at doing yearly shots myself etc. So it's just emergencies, food and 3 year rabies shots I can't do myself.

Another reason I'm spitballing all this here is it's not for sure. Hopefully it doesn't come to this. But my mom and I have been fighting relentlessly and there's no end in sight. She's like, mad that I'm here. And comes home mad that I'm here. It's exhausting and it's not going to get magically better. She bought this property and is now throwing it in my face like I'm the one who forced her to do it. She's terrified she won't be able to retire and is blaming me for it. I don't want to be a burden and she clearly doesn't want me to be one anymore either and idk who else I can ask. Who else can I INFLICT my existence on to? This is why disabled people end up in abusive relationships and then stay. What are the fucking options? I'm so grateful I have my physical health and am able to even think of taking such a physically demanding option.

So it's like a 30% chance it comes to this. I'll try and just adjust and put up with things being weird and toxic because that's better than shitting in a bucket in the walmart parking lot. For now.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)