#not expecting ppl to read this I'm just venting

[pepsicolabunches]

Getting a bit really stressed about my roommates not working. One is making ei so there's at least some money coming in for rent, but the other quit her job a couple months ago (right after we moved to the new, big house) and has had to ask for everyone else to cover her portion of the rent...

I can't really help much because I don't really even make enough for food, let alone an entire other persons rent

To be clear, I'm not asking tumblr to help with my financial struggles. If you want to help people, there are countless people in crisis that you can donate to. There are people in your own community who could use that help.

I just need somewhere to vent about the fear I'm feeling about my situation. If we get evicted because we couldn't pay rent, I'm absolutely certain I won't be able to find another place, and could end up homeless which, as a disabled person barely holding on, sometimes in constant pain, I can tell you that I will not make it on the streets.

Luckily I do have people in my life that I can temporarily move in with, but not with my stuff. And I do have a lot of stuff. Mostly books and clothes. Almost all the books I've lugged with me across Canada, through my many many moves.

I'm very grateful for consistently having a place to live, enough to slowly acquire many things. Not things that are worth anything, I can't sell them or anything. And I don't want to. Maybe it's a bit selfish but I've worked my ass off dealing with working while being in severe pain. Working while recovering from surgeries. Also, as a person living in poverty, having things means I don't need to buy those things. Which is good because I do not have the funds to just buy things when I need them.

Most of my things I've had for most of my life.

Idk

Idk where my brain was going with this I just... Idk I'm making this about me I suppose. And also about so many other people struggling through poverty. It's like, really really expensive to not have the money for things. I buy cheap items because I can't afford expensive things. I buy things when they are on sale even if I can't afford them because I know it will last longer than buying it cheap.

I've messed up my guts cuz I haven't eaten properly in more than a decade. Not having enough energy to make food means I have to buy things that are really easy to make. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet and spend so much fucking money on getting food delivered because I'm in so much pain I can barely walk to the bathroom, let alone the grocery store and then also making food. Last month I cried making a sandwich because it was too painful.

I guess this is about fear. I'm already aware that there aren't really any systems in place to help people who need it. The systems in place are overworked because they aren't funded properly. They don't really have any solutions for ppl struggling to make rent/buy food. Definitely no solutions for people who are poor and also have health issues. For some reason they expect disabled people to be able to access the same solutions which, often is not possible.

Doctors keep suggesting my roommates act as some kind of a care aide, getting my food, making my food, helping with cleaning, driving me places. But also don't think I have severe enough pain to actually suggest getting a care aide. They just assume my friends/partner are fully willing and able to support me out of the goodness of their hearts. As if the people around me are not also struggling. As if I could just put the responsibility of taking care of a person onto someone who very much did not offer their help. And they shouldn't. I'm absolutely not putting myself in the situation where I am at the mercy of other people's unpaid labour. These are my friends, not my personal workers.

I was trying to get a service dog, but they cost a whopping $40,000. I cannot afford $300/month for food, so there's not a chance in hell I could ever get one. The nonprofit organization that might have covered the cost of it is already full (waitlist also full) so if that ever happens it will be years from now.

Every solution requires a lot of effort (that, again, I do not have the energy for). Every problem requires solutions that do not exist.

I'm doing the absolute best I can and I'm just, acutely aware that it is not enough.

Feeling the weight of stress piling up on me... When I ask for relief, all I get is more steps to climb.

Feeling trapped in this body which is absolutely constantly reminding me of how I am unable to do the things I need to do. If it's not one thing, it's another. I had 7 months of every day pain so bad I had to go to the er many times. Do I know why? No. I'm just grateful I have had a couple weeks of not that specific type of pain. Not that I'm pain free of course. Going to the grocery store a couple blocks away, filling up a rolling cart ($130 of food that won't even last me a week), not making it home without crying because I can feel bones scraping together in my hips (no, not arthritis, just cuz it wants to :))

Genuinely, not sure what I'm supposed to do. Everything I do feels like too much and also not enough. Feels like I'll never climb out of the hole I've wiggled my way into.

So terrified that I will have to deal with all of this while also not having stable housing

Im not expecting anyone to read all of this, I'm just, needing to put this somewhere. Getting the stress out of my brain (hopefully)

[spocks-kaathyra]

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[dangerous-disposition]

People: [read a Steddie fic]

Steddie Fic: [is about Steddie and the characters in it are largely focused on the Steddie aspect as it is... A fic about Steve and Eddie. Maybe hones in on Robin being the first gay person Steve has probably KNOWN he's fucking met in his entire life and plays on that for his Sexuality Crisis]

People: why do all the characters seem to only care about Steddie? Why do these Steddie fics that are about Steve and Eddie not show the women do anything that aren't about Steve and Eddie? This fandom has a woman problem.

[littledigits]

thoughts on the cut episodes and ppls reactions 'n stuff

Since it was confirmed that a few more episodes of Hilda were written but cut, I do think the reaction of people finding this out is really interesting and not just because its fairly common in the industry and isint a sign of anything bad necessarily. I mean heck, in a weird way being behind the scenes and then seeing how people interpret things, what they take as important, what they think is a thread…all of that is interesting. When your job is basically trying to get people to pick up what you're putting down storywise its kind of a neat topic, because everyone communicates in their own way.

BTW before I keep going this is not a post to say dont crit/vent/complain/whatever about whatever the heck you want in hilda or any media, you do you. I think peoples honest takes are fascinating (said in victoria van gale voice) and even just people speaking their mind shows that they are interested and they care so that matters. Also not one singular post triggered this, its just been on my mind as I surface level read things so no stressies.

When It comes to the cut episodes, I'm seeing some people assume that whatever was cut would have fixed some of the crits they may have had about the season..and who knows, maybe yes? But I'd say ultimately probably not. Not because they dont include things that people want to see, or may have some topics people want expanded on ..but because thats just impossible in the grand scheme of things.

I mean this applies to shows in general, not just hilda. Every person who watches a show has their own idea of what the show represents to them. For some of its more of the surface events or characters where as others connect it with a deeper emotion. A lot of people respond to different tones of the episodes, which there are many. Some people prefer the one off adventures that stand alone as their own stories and others want to see more of a stronger through line. Some may see a new character and expect a new arc and thread, while others wonder why we couldn't've used a previously introduced character. Some may read between the lines more and others may take what is presented as very straight forward and literal …and no one is WRONG, because our big wrinkly brain meats all have their own tastes and ways of imputing information.

Television animation is rife with factors that actually futz with the quality and ability of the team to make a beautiful, amazing product like EVERY DAY. The script process and what goes into production is just one. The team is made up of many creatives all with their own varied experiences and voices just like the audience. In order for people to have their own voices and say, you are going to end up with some things that hit better then others, especially if the team is allowed to grow and experiment and play a little. Hilda has always been a show where we've been able to have a lot of creative say, and i think that sincerity comes through ! but with the sincerity and that humanity, it also means that there are going to be things that arnt going to make sense in the grand scheme of things lol. Even the writers and creators and producers have differing opinions on what to explore and dive into, probably more so then fandoms haha. Having more episodes may scratch some itches but not all, HECK, those episodes being cut could have re-allocated resources to other areas that helped elevate your fav ep of the season ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows! Schrodinger's episodes! (also ngl I was having cold sweats over the scope of some of them as cool as they were. The season may have been shorter but it was intense..it takes a long time to do stuff that looks that clean and crisp)

Imperfect art is very human! Do the best you can at the time with the factors you have. I was given so much trust and freedom on my episodes, and I was just happy to do something fun that allowed me and my team to grow and learn. I was fucking STOKED to get a one off story because it was way less pressure for me to take my next step directing cuz just doing the thing is a feat. Any sincerity you feel cant come through if that means we're afraid that we cant make mistakes, or do a story choice ppl wont vibe with. All you can do is do the best you can, see if people are picking up what you're putting down, and grow from it for next time.

Anyway, just a thought ramble. Its not to say do or dont do this or think this way blah blah. I just love that storytelling is messy and complex and everyones gonna take it a lil differently, especially if you have a team where you allow lots of voices to have input. It is all just a big experiment to see if people leave with a particular experience by putting your resources into the things you have that matter, and try you best to distract from burnt edges or patched up holes that happened throughout the process of making the dang thing lol.

[freyjas-musings]

at this point if sjm record herself and says Elain and Azriel are not endgame but she's wearing a pink shirt with flowers on it they'll be like OMFG E/RIEL IS ENDGAME she's just trying to keep us on our toes and not spoil anything and keep us surprised...

I'm so tired of their shit. god this fandom exhausts me and at this point I think the publishers and even sjm are doing this on purpose so ppl doesn't stop talking about the books...

and tbh I'm so fkn scared that of the day they confirm Gwynriel/Elucien endgame, hell will break loose and the hate toward sjm and the fans will be unstoppable and it gives me anxiety just thinking about it...

I think people fail to realise, she is currently talking about a book that comes after the next ACOTAR one, it means she has completed the ACOTAR book she was writing and is currently going through edits . Irrespective of how noisy people are being it won't stop from Azriel's book from being next .

HOFAS makes it so much more obvious and at this stage Elriel is not happening a 100% ... Its either Gywn or a new LI... given further mate parallels with Ruhn Lidia in HOFAS I am confident Gwyn is Azriels mate and hence endgame. Trust the books and your reading comprehension.

I know it can be annoying but at this stage I simply don't pay attention to Elriels , low grade interns or random articles that specify "Fan speculation" I have reached my threshold for tolerating "fandom drama" . I really suggest you completely ignore the Elriels at this point. I don't see them improving any time soon , I don't expect it either.

I understand the need to vent sometimes but beyond that there is literally nothing to be worried about or be scared about.

[chlorinecake]

I just saw what that anon said and I can really really relate I feel like there's no way I can like them cuz I'm black I feel like. Weird for having a crush on Ni-ki cuz I'm black and even though I know there's no chance anyway cause he probably doesn't date fans obviously lol It makes me ashamed especially because people are always saying "what if / he probably doesn't like black girls/people" and it makes me feel like I'm less beautiful because I'm black and even if he did date fans I mean I'm like SOOOO ugly like atrocious but it makes me feel like even if I was a little bit more pretty he wouldn't like me or would dismiss me cause I'm black or like I wouldn't be good enough or he'd be disgusted or disappointed or weirded out because I'm black and a fan /has a crush on him and besides him it makes me feel like enhypen wouldn't talk to me or treat me the same cuz I'm not Asian or white like I couldn't be a fan or wouldn't be as important or pretty or cool or even just they wouldnt want me as a fan or like me or even look my way cause im black its gotten so bad that people dont evn have to say that anymore (they do but they dont have too) for me to think that way. Like I know we all saw that pretty engene video with that girl with the glasses and i couldn't help but make it about race like thinking would they look at me like that or would I be ugly abd weird cause I'm black ? Or if she was black would they still think she's pretty? Or would they even put the camera on her if she was black ? Anyway I'm rambling but being black is something I struggle with even without people saying the group I like or the guy I have a crush on (Niki obviously) wouldn't like me or would hate me for being black . Or they would be uncomfortable or disgusted with me because I'm black so it's just hard to even see myself meeting them or *even to imagine myself in reader fanfics even if the reader's supposed to be black because I've convinced myself that the only way I'd be pretty or attractive or they'd be friends withe or date me in Ni-kis case is if I was white or Asian* (*just talking about from a fanfic standpoint for this one* but yeah) but yeah it sucks and

Okay, I REFUSE to sit here and let you talk down on yourself like that. I don’t care how true you may think it is, YOU ARE NOT UGLY, Mirah ~ You’re beautiful, from head to toe, melanated skin, curly hair and all. Black women are beautiful, it’s disgusting to me how society has brought some of us to a point where we feel insecure, undesirable, or unworthy of affection from others. My words might not do much to encourage you, because finding confidence (esp as a black girl) takes time. But I really urge you to understand that you can’t expect other ppl to accept you when you don’t even accept yourself. Wish I could give you the BIGGEST hug rn, bc this actually hurts to read :(

Another point, I’ve seen plenty videos of Enhypen (along with other kpop groups) connecting with colored fans in the same way they do with their supporters of a fairer complexion, but I won’t share any of those videos here bc I don’t want you to seek “proof” as a way for you to feel better abt yourself.

On the flip side, let’s say that some ppl in the kpop industry DO have a prejudice (which I’m sure some do): your life and happiness isn’t dependent on their validation.

Let’s not even get started on how a lot of Ni-Ki’s favorite artists are black (Riki Jackson ? Bro would’ve never called himself that if he was racist)… but anyway, colored people like any other group of individuals can b really amazing once they get past their insecurities and embrace the way God made them. Jst know that u can always come to be if your struggling with something or just want to vent <3

[solar-sunnyside-up]

I feel so fucking helpless. since this is anonymous i'm gonna come right out and say it, I'm a minor, and because of that there is so fucking little I can do about anything, especially with conservative parents and it just feels like I'm constantly failing to live up to my own expectations and aspirations but also I understand that as a legal child it makes sense there's things that I can't do but it also just feels like massive fucking excuse.

The only activism I can do is from behind a fucking screen under a fake name by writing to politicians who i'm 90% never read my emails anyway but I still have to write cause I need to show that people do care about these issues and at the same time I can't vote on them I can't donate to causes I'm just suck screaming into the void and nothings there to scream back.

I barely talk to my friends about this because they're also unsure of the world we live in yeah, but their parents are progressive and listen to them and I don't wanna drag them down plus I've tried to get them more into this stuff and it just doesn't work and I don't know what to do about it and I can't talk to the school counselor about this cause I don't know her political leanings and in my experience you can't trust an adult with the location of your Halloween candy you really think she's gonna not snitch?

I just have to watch and listen and stay quiet about the adults in my life's actions cause if I speak up I risk losing the one route of activism I have.

I'm sorry if this is too long, or too personal, I don't know where else to talk about this. Sorry

Don't be sorry. Never, sprout, never be sorry for feeling anything but particularly the rage and horror you feel. It's well earned.

All of this is exactly how I felt as a teen too. Isolated, alone, helpless under capitalism and being a minor is it's own oppressed class within every other oppressed group your likely apart of. You have every right to feel this way. But if I can give one speck of hope to you? Take it or leave it of course, but..

I have also been writing emails like crazy and gentle parenting ppl in goverment. I've also heard back from almost all of them after 6+ months. Several things that the writing campaigns where trying to complish have actually gone through! Mainly the transit ones. We managed to revive an entire transit project in my city and got several more votes towards rent caps as examples within the last few months. Ppl are forced to read it wheather or not they reply, so do whatever you want and have fun where you can.

That being said, personally I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't get out of the nihilism hole until after my teens. I tried and tried to make the jump to absurdist theory but my brain just wasnt baked enough yet if you wanna place to vent or some books/music recs for it tho feel free to dm! There is a horrible but small change you won't stop feeling like this until they are over.

[totallynoteggos]

lol hey this is just a vent post abt my life rn I don’t really expect any on u to read this

Tw if you do read this: talk of Anxiety, ppl not understanding neurological limitations, talk of vauge self exit and SH (its very minor) overall vent post shit

Sorry u have to see me in such a shifty mental state but I need to get this off my chest before I resort to violence

Once again, not KND stuff this is a Vent Post

I’m not neurotypical by any means I'm on some spectrum but all we know so far is that I have OCD and Anxiety. Also I'm going into the 9th grade which that In of itself is a stressful situation but in the last four years I've never stayed in the same school so seeing the same people is hella new to me. I have this really bad habit of going no contact with people after the school year is over because I usually never see them again. My mom can't seem to understand that there are simply things I can't do because of the anxiety & OCD (and I'm not using this as a reason to act out or defy her) abt 2 weeks ago we went to get food, now usually I order my food to make sure I get what I like and not have a mixup. And pls notice this was after a week long “vacation” that ended up being stressful and draining. But anyways there was a mixup and I ended up with a burger with all toppings instead of plain, which caused me to panic because I was hungry and stressed before already. And instead of trying to accommodate she stood firm in her beliefs that I need to get over it and just eat the damn burger. And I heavily insisted on not eating it and eating the fries instead. After a argument (and at the instance of my grandma) she bought me another burger and while in line I told her outright that there are some things that I physically can't do or else they send me into a panic. She that said that she “gets that” but I don't have to act out In front of my grandma which she idolized. And now like I said with the whole start of school she's saying “it wont be your best years if you don't let it be your best years” but I don't think she understands that I don't know how to do that. I've moved around a lot and I've been made fun of a lot due to my interests, hobbies and simply just to be the clown. Most of the people I befriend end up getting annoyed or just keep me around until I say something that doesn't make me the dumb and “quirky” one. And like I said I suck at keeping contact and now everyone still has their old friend groups and mine just see me as a joke or weirdo now. Its stressing me out so much and its only been two days, hell yesterday I would have thrown up from the stress but because I was so stressed I didn't eat shit so I didn't throw up. School stresses me out so much it's unimaginable, its the people, the sounds, the halls, the fact that people won't leave you alone, someone always talking or screaming, just please shut the fuck up so I can learn and be out of here. And god its so fucking hard not feeling what everyone else around you feels. My moms getting upset at me for not wanting to go on the busses when I have gone on one and it left 20 fucking minutes from my house cus the lady was screaming and I got scared as was about to cry. And now she wants me to try again with kids I don't fucking know who some how don't know personal space or manners. And back to the emotions things, why the fuck don't I feel the same as them, god I feel so fucking robotic compared to my mother and everybody else but they also make me feel like a god damned mutt. On one hand they think it's weird that I don't want to talk or to Interact but somehow don't realize that it's their fault I don't want to, and on the other hand whenever I'm upset or angry and actually show it its MY fault. Because apparently since I'm the youngest of my family im supposed to have the personality of pinkie pie and I have no problems. And because I'm quiet, friendly or just shy and I'm supposed to control my emotions because I'm a “young lady”. I've tried talking to my mom about home school because my school has that as a option but she says that I can't hide when she's been doing that too. Sometimes I feel like she cares more for the happiness of those she wants to impress rather than that of her family. But god if all of life feels like this then count me out cus its too much to be alive right now. I think ima take a shot or three of night quill and hopefully sleep until ITs to late to go to school

Goodnight

[mistralxsoul]

//I know I keep doing this and I apologize but replies are going to be a bit spaced out for a while (like they weren't already) so I'm probably going to officially say that I'm going to be on a Semi-Hiatus until further notice.

What this means is I'll work on replies when motivation strikes me so there may be days at a time where I don't reply. Thank you for your patience.

For reasons why, I'll put under a read more.

//Vent warning and all that.

I'm on Mobile at the moment so I probably won't go for too long but I'm taking this semi-hiatus for a couple of reasons.

The big one right now is that real life has dealt me a really bad hand and will not slow down in the slightest. Between family expectations, a car accident (I'm fine), car repairs, being forced to buy a new laptop bc my cat demolished my old one and a bunch of other things that keep happening, I'm not really doing too great at the moment. I'm stressed beyond belief.

Which leads into reason #2 and #3: depression has been beating me down into the ground lately. I can't bring myself to focus on replies a lot of the time just due to me being extremely tired all the time, whether I sleep or not. And it's being doing numbers on my confidence as a writer. I wanna reach out and interact with new ppl but

hoo boy I am terrified beyond words bc the brain is convinced that I am a pretty mid writer.

So tldr, I'm struggling with a lot physically and mentally and anything that I DO work on is self indulgent stuff.

Im sorry again if I take a while to reply to anyone. I try my hardest but I'm running out of steam irl and I'm running out of energy to give.

Hoping the anti-depressants calm me down and that I can get my irl issues out of the way soon bc I adore Flynn with all of my being and soul and I love writing him and exploring his character like this.

Thank you again for your patience.

[golbrocklovely]

covered their names. i get that pretty much anyone could find their names out there, i'm just not gonna be the place for that. hope you understand.

short answer, yeah. longer answer, kind of lol

i do think they have something going on with them, i just don't know if that thing is serious/long term. but i don't think they are just friends with the girls, like some fans are trying to imply.

slight side tangent to your ask, but... i get that a lot of fans want an answer. they want to know if snc are truly dating these girls, and they want that answer to come directly from snc. i understand that. however, there is one fan in particular that has made it their soul mission to just constantly bombard snc, asking if the m and k are their gfs. and it's very odd and weird behavior to have, even for a fan.

respectfully, no one deserves an answer. you (not you specifically anon, just the general fandom) are not owed an answer. snc don't have to share anything with us about their private lives.

and before anyone reading this gets pissy and says "oh but they don't hide it either, so what do they expect? if they want privacy, they shouldn't post anything at all". first and foremost, the reason we even know about these girls is bc THEY posted shit before and then pics LEAKED of snc and them on nye. snc had no involvement in any of this shit happening. sure, sam comments on the girls pics. and they reposted them to their story like once. they've done that with other girls too, idk why this is the one that deserves an explanation.

not to mention, snc are allowed to share and not share shit about their private lives. it's odd to see many fans have the sentiment of "if they don't want ppl to comment on it, they shouldn't post anything about it". you are a person with a public profile who posts about their private life, correct? does that mean a random nobody is allowed to come up in your dms and say this that and the other thing about you, just bc you posted publicly about something? no. so then why is that allowed with snc? just bc they're public figures? bc they make money online via fans? i don't get it.

bc even if snc never posted about their private lives, yall would speculate. yall would make up shit and run with it, which is what happens anyway. so it's a catch 22 regardless.

just be nice and have sympathy. and know when not to cross boundaries. it's that simple. holy shit lol

(again, none of this is directed at you anon. this is mostly just me venting)

[thesalemwitchtries]

update & little vent

I don't know when the next chapter of DOAG will be out, I have my grandparents visiting for the first half of the summer, and I'm not really feeling very excited about writing after seeing how much engagement has fallen when it already wasn't very high to begin with. I know that's on me for not being consistent, and I will have something out because I like this story and I have so much fun sharing it with the people that do seem to enjoy it, I'm just struggling to get over... ig feeling rejected, somehow? The lack of notes isn't really a problem for me, there's just been a lot of ppl (not really, like 10 in the past week, but that's a lot for what I have going on) who're liking my posts and then almost immediately unliking them, it's just disheartening to get excited about a like, only to open tumblr and see its gone already. It feels embarrassing, like they don't even want me to know they saw my post.

Anyways, I hope this doesn't come off as like ungrateful/whiny or anything, bc I understand people get busy or sometimes a story doesn't go the way you expected in the beginning, and I truly adore all the new and regular readers that I do have, I'm just trying to explain how I'm feeling right now. All that to say that I won't be upset if you don't reblog or leave a long comment, I know that it can be difficult if you're shy or new or on your phone, but I at least would like to know that people are reading what I'm writing, yk?

In the meantime, I'm keeping busy with work and making a lot of art, and I'm working on a Foggy oneshot that I think is pretty cute, I just can't really prioritize my Matt story rn bc I do feel bad about how little reception its gotten. Idk, hopefully I'll get over it and feel better soon, I was planning on having three shorter chapters out back-to-back, but I had a hard weekend and I just haven't felt anything other than embarrassment when I open the google doc, which sucks bc the story is getting to the parts that I've had written since the beginning.

Thanks for all the love that I have gotten💕🫶, sorry for being a big baby and all

[broodygaming]

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Juuust venting.

Idk. I don't even expect ppl to read this, it's okay, I'm fine literally just typing it out for the sake of typing it out cuz I don't have anyone I can chat about it with.

But I'm 30 years old, disabled and living with my mom and things have gone from weird to bad to worse and idk what to do about it. I can't get a job, I can't work, I can't seem to qualify for disability. I can't seem to do anything.

My mom is a good kind person in so many things. But idk. I think she really genuinely didn't think that me moving in with her would be permanent. I think she just assumed I'd get it together and get a job and leave again. I was always the most self sufficient kid. I moved away! I was doing good! So it seemed from a distance anyways.

Now it's like, every day she's just MAD that I just can't do things. She gets mad that I'm forgetful or that my spoons are like 0 all the time. She gets mad that I'm not magically clearing the entire property by myself or I'm not building all these things or doing all these things. She just gets mad mad mad that I don't function. I think it just confuses her? Or scares her? Idk. And she'll weaponize my disability in this really weird way. She'll say things like "well if you're really THAT disabled maybe I should hire a baby sitter for you because you can't be trusted to be alone." Literally. And when I say no, that's weird I don't need that - it OF COURSE means I must just be lying about how bad everything else is!

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have one single friend in the universe and things are always kinda tense with her too. She's offered to let me come stay in her shed, haha. Her husbands a contractor so that's not as bad as it sounds. He'd make it nice and functional. But it would ruin our relationship.

It's not sustainable to just couch hop, I can feel kind people thinking of typing out an offer - but lbr, that's just not sustainable. I'm not going to magically get better. I'm not temporarily out of work. It's not just for until I get things "figured out". I need a permanent solution.

So I'm genuinely thinking of just refurbishing my truck and putting a mattress in the back and buying a recharable solar battery and a fancy bucket and going on the road. It's an old truck (almost 300K miles!! YES you read that right!! Old ass work truck!! but it runs really well and is stupid sturdy). And maybe just living off the cash assistance I get from the government and camping? I like to camp, I like being outside. And maybe I just sleep in my truck in parking lots and then for a few nights of the week stay at a campsite to freshen up?

Lots of people do it, so I know it's doable. It'd be hard to give up creature comforts like plumbing and really (I know this is dumb but) my computer. I like video games haha, it's one of my fav past times. I know my bigger hold ups should be like, security and warmth and shit. But still. I have so much time and energy put into these stupid pixels it's hard to imagine giving that up.

And my animals! I'd have to sell my goats, probably just give my chickens to my neighbors. And even though it's literally so so irresponsible, I'm taking my fucking dog. I've had to give up one dog previously because I was temporarily homeless and couldn't find a rentable space that was pet friendly. And I swore I'd never do it again. Plus - even though it's irresponsible and her food costs easily 80 bucks a month - I actually think I'd be a lot safer with her with me. And less alone. I think she'd love it, tbh. I don't think this would permanently burn bridges with my mom. She'd be mad, but if I called her and said Dahlia's sick I need money for a vet she'd give it to me. And if she wouldn't, my friend would and they have money to spare. So I actually think, out of everything that's not that big of a gamble. I have a safety net for her. And I'm good at doing yearly shots myself etc. So it's just emergencies, food and 3 year rabies shots I can't do myself.

Another reason I'm spitballing all this here is it's not for sure. Hopefully it doesn't come to this. But my mom and I have been fighting relentlessly and there's no end in sight. She's like, mad that I'm here. And comes home mad that I'm here. It's exhausting and it's not going to get magically better. She bought this property and is now throwing it in my face like I'm the one who forced her to do it. She's terrified she won't be able to retire and is blaming me for it. I don't want to be a burden and she clearly doesn't want me to be one anymore either and idk who else I can ask. Who else can I INFLICT my existence on to? This is why disabled people end up in abusive relationships and then stay. What are the fucking options? I'm so grateful I have my physical health and am able to even think of taking such a physically demanding option.

So it's like a 30% chance it comes to this. I'll try and just adjust and put up with things being weird and toxic because that's better than shitting in a bucket in the walmart parking lot. For now.

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)

[evyfm]

heeey!! i have this question for you <3

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

hehe i'm looking forward to your answer!

Hi amelie <333

🧿what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to? What I usually do when this happens is that I talk/vent to my sister, and bc my brain is often logically inclined, I try to rationalize why it might not have gone the way I'd have liked (for example, sci-fi fics often don't do well, someone else posted on the same day, ppl have been busy lately, etc.) But most of all I try to focus on what I *do* have, if there are any sweet comments (e.g. ppl who are thankful to have a niche fic), I try to remember that *I* liked it (while writing, while editing, etc.), and that my own enjoyment is the most important :D (also, imagining all of your kudos and comments as individual ppl makes you realize how MANY 50 kudos is, like 50 ppl read it and liked it! wow!) Other than that, what helps me a LOT is setting my expectations low from the start. When I post, I tell myself, whatever it does, it's fine, I will just expect it to do mediocre, and I enjoyed it, so any others enjoying it is only a big plus!

thank you for asking, amelie <3333

[csvent-2]

I hate and despise dainties (and generally cs, but dainties the least), because of the entitled community. The community genuinely makes me uncomfortable. The species itself is so chill, the mods are chill too, but god damn the community is... Something... So here things that bother me about the dainty community:

-the entitlement. People expect multiple HQ characters for a mq-lq dainty with no shading and that was drawn on a base. I had to deal with many of those people in my past.

-the drama. A friend of mine and me were pulled into drama we didn't want to be part of, won't go into detail. My friend is now in therapy and left thr art community cuz if it.

-the hidden misogyny and double standards 😕 there are very few fully female dainties (trans/cis). Most of the dainties are male/androgynous. Female dainties get redesigned into men, feminine guys, non-binaries and whatever isn't a woman. And let me tell you, most of these characters have nsfw with male "parts". As a woman myself i feel kinda discriminated. I DON'T SAY YOU CAN'T HAVE PREFERENCES, it would be nicer tho if people would get daints that would just suit their preference other than turn a female dainty with +10 arts into some guy wearing a dress and then selling said dainty cause it still doesn't suit their interest even after the redesign...

I will not be reading any replies from ppl other than the mod/s, for the sake of my own sanity. It's my own point of view and a vent. Judge me all you want, I'm anonym anyway.

And despite me hating the dainty community, i still own a bunch of dainties. It's not the species itself, it's the people

My only input is that I believe a VERY large portion of the dainty community is trans/NB, so criticizing them for making characters that fit their experience is a little bit of a slippery path to walk in my opinion.

Just be careful your discomfort isn’t because trans/NB people themselves are doing what’s right for them.

[conniemb]

A lil vent cuz college is stressing me out:

Bruh like why I need an education to do shit. Why can't I just do a one year course in something I'm interested enough to jus sit through for a year or two. College kills passion. I've been in college for like 3 years now doing two different course and while I have learnt a lot from it I've also learned I can figure a lot of this shit out myself using online resources. All college does is make me feel unmotivated and stressed. I haven't felt a sense of accomplishment with my college work since first semester of first year and I'm so tired of having to work so hard for something that doesn't actually feel like it's getting me anywhere. It pisses me off that I have to waste 4 years of my life slaving away at work I don't wanna do just so I can get a piece of paper at the end of it that says "I spent the mandatory 1600+ euros to say I'm qualified to do this thing pls hire me" I don't even wanna work in a corporate job or office space but I feel like I need my degree in case I need to fall back on that kinda job. I wanna work freelance and be creative and just do the things I wanna do. What's wrong with working some boring ass job I spend like 30 hours a week on so I can pay rent and fund my hobbies with and just be content with that. I keep having these thoughts about dropping out and just working for a while till I get back on my feet financially and then doing a diploma course in a similar field for a year once I've had a due enough break from education and just get my certificate and see where that takes me. But there's all this pressure and expectations to do things the normal way, go to college, trek along for 4 years, then get a real job and be successful. Why can't I just be content doing what I enjoy doing. Why do I have to wrench myself through the cogs of industry standard jobs and companies just to have it squeeze all the passion out of me. Ive been reading so many articles lately about how ppl used to just do a one year certificate course in their field and then go out into the world nd get jobs and be able to work freelance, people who I know personally were able to do this. But nowadays without your 1600 receipt of education no one even bats an eye at your job application. It's all bullshit. Total fucking bullshit. I just wanna be financially stable for a few years man even if doing so costs me my education or postpones it for a few years. Just take things at my own pace. I keep playing around with the idea of if I actually manage to pay off and pass this semester deferring my next year and just working instead. My sister did that and she seems to be doing okay. And who knows when I do come back after the year of work I might be ready to commit myself to the next 3 years. Or maybe I will just commit to doing my 1 year certificate and trying out that life style. I'm putting a 3 month time period on my decision I think a hypothetical one. See how the next three months pan out. Then decide. Hopefully I'll find my answer then.