#not exactly a rant or vent

[dopepoisonivyoncrack]

Got a terrible migraine again today so after sending some work papers, I laid face-down on the couch, thinking why does it bother me so much. Because my migraine probably had something to do with my overthinking and getting pissed off since morning again.

Hate to go therapy couch style but maybe it did started all with my mother….

I won’t go into detail about it because her issues are not the point here, but many of the drawings I did over the years were destroyed by her. One could try to explain to her that water destroys paper over and over but it wouldn’t do anything. Maybe it will only lead to frustration. 

I’ve just taken a photo and then ripped and thrown away around 40 old drawings that she poked with a needle or splashed with holy water to the point some were unrecognizable. I had done so in the past, to the point I barely have anything that hasn’t been done in recent years.

Why poked and splashed with holy water? because she had these ideas that devils and evil spirits sent by witches touched them and are bringing us bad luck and harm us through them. Demonizing in a way my drawings - anatomy studies, fanarts, oc sketches, concept art sketch for old competitions, holiday cards etc. My hard work, done with love and clean thoughts. Hours and days of my life, gone, for nothing.

I used to draw high school watercolor holiday cards for friends and colleagues, with my cute animal mascots. Did one for her once too. It got splashed with water and ruined on that very first evening. This is how a New Year card that I just threw away looked, and why I stopped doing them. An effort gone to waste. I can only protect them from such fate if I don’t create them in the first place.

I remember having so many of my drawings destroyed and getting into arguments with her and crying over my time and effort getting so violently disrespected and discarded like less than garbage. 

I remember not wanting to bring home my graduation art project - a full on illustrated manuscript, a sort of origami book set with hidden parts. Everyone in class had the right to take their artwork home after a while. I feared that. I worked so hard for almost a year for that. I left it with my art teacher and asked a colleague to take pictures of it so I have something to remember it by. I never got the pictures. I did not have a good quality camera on my phone back then so I don’t have pictures of many of my old drawings. Some won competitions, some were sold by the school, the others ended up in the garbage. I don’t even have something to remember them by.

Anyway, yeah… if I think about it, it does play a part in why this online situation bothers me, the feeling of pointlessness in putting all that time and effort into drawing, sharing for nothing, when it’s all the same for people as long as they have a pretty pic to look at.

[angeldaisies]

tlh side of the fandom is dead anyway but even if it wasn’t i still wouldn’t interact because i’ve come to realize that people just don’t like herondaisy and that’s so disheartening to me. even people who do like them usually go “yes but *insert character that is actually better*” and i know people can like whoever they want of course and i know it’s not a competition of which ship/character is better but also it’s very tiring to come online and see your personal faves being disliked at worst and tolerated at best by basically everyone with very few exceptions.

[daddy-ul]

So, this is a rant. Take it as it is

You know when ppl say "they should replace Lars" bla bla bla yadda yadda?

I am this close to say, fuck it, let's do it, let's put the drummer extraordinarie of your choice with their ass behind the kit and watch.

I would get popcorn and ready myself to some second hand embarrassment. Why?

Because James Hetfield would eat them alive.

Imagine being in the 90s in a studio with James Hetfield in front of you, telling him what riff goes where, what riff is good or not. I'm laughing just thinking about it.

Just-- set aside the fact that none of the others would want to try such experiment, because believe it or not they have fun playing with their friend (shocking). Put this aside and IMAGINE.

Imagine what does it take to create with James Hetfield. And it's not a question of liking the replacement, James gets along with a lot of people, he is friend with a lot of musicians, and it's not even about the chops/skills/creativity.

There aren't a lot of people that could go face to face with James Hetfield and stand their ground. And there are even less people who James would listen to when it's about music, Metallica music.

Even today! He certainly mellowed out, he is more free, more comfortable in his skin, more open etc etc

Go and try to tell him how to create a Metallica song. Please, be my guest, I'll be right here waiting to see the response.

I remember Rob talking about how to approach James for certain topics, his techniques to do so (say THANK YOU to RT for dyers eve live) djkdjjjjd drop your secrets rob!! How did you do it? Share your mojo! Sjdjsjsjs

You see? Even leaving out band dynamics, friendship, trust and all that, who is a head shorter, danish and knows how to say "no" or "do this" to James Hetfield and not getting straight out ignored by him?

Mhhhhhhh, think think think

[deostyx]

I say this as an artist who has been trying to make artists friends for years, we really need to get better at finding community with other artists again, instead of sticking to one fandom and to stop interacting once they/you leave it.

Fandom friends are just that, they are fandom dependent and though not required to make them more than that, some of yall need to see that the option exists.

I still follow people that made amazing fanart for a fandom i left ages ago, but i still love to see what they are working on and supporting them on it.

Shit ill say it, ive followed artists that were still beginners at the time, just because i was curious to see how their style would develop. And it pays off, the amount of pride i feel to see people working on a skill and growing is fucking beautiful and profound to witness.

“Thats parasocial” DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF!!! THAT PERSON HAS 300 FOLLOWERS ITS NOT PARASOCIAL TO FEEL HAPPY FOR THEM THATS JUST KNOWING A PERSON AND LIKING THEM!!!!!

And if you want it to feel LESS parasocial ACTUALLY COMMENT!! i Know that sounds backwards but its better than you feeling that way and then lurking about it when the art only has like 3 notes. Girl what!!!!!!!! Say something!!!! You could have an art friend RIGHT NOW IF YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING

[pierregaslays]

:(

[queenarsinoethepoisoner]

I actually hate my guard costume so fucking much. It’s long sleeved, but it’s mesh long sleeved. And it has pants all the way to our shoes. So imagine me, being very sweaty cus we just had a rehearsal in 81 degree (Fahrenheit) heat, trying to hurriedly put on a full sleeved and full legged costume cus they never give us enough time to comfortably get ready for inspection. Oh also the costume has a boob window (and it’s relatively big too), and since I don’t wanna flash people I wear a body suit under so I’m double layered and dying in the heat

[manicplank]

oh wow, this artist greatly captures the rivals/frenemies relationship of these two characters!

wait, nevermind. that's just ship art.

[lunadreamscaper]

sorry to all my probably confused followers getting exmormon shit on their dash now because of me because im kind of going through it right now lmao

you wouldnt survive the asylum they raised me in/ref/j

ooooohhhh religious cult trauma ooooh i realized Queer as fucking balls now happy pride month

grrr cishet white men in power grrrr

women are more than caregivers who also have to wipe their own husbands ass

i can listen to the occasional heavy metal without feeling guilty

i can admire the beauty of women i can be anything but cis i can date more than one person in a genuinely loving way (in a polyamorous way not polygamy way fuck polygamy)

i can enjoy boba tea, mochas, and an occasional buzzball and i can buy food on sunday when im hungry

i can draw skimpy outfits and boobs

i dont have to be forced with the same group of girls my age that i dont like anymore

i dont have to be forced to go to those stupid loud overstimulating dance parties meant to hook me up with a guy

i dont have to go on a mission (fuck those gawdamn) i dont have to read bible fan fiction anymore

i could keep going but im not going to because you probably get the point now.

[nychthemeron-rants]

TW: Vent

So, I am on the aromantic spectrum. Idk if I'm more demi or grey romantic or some other aspect of the spectrum, but I am on the aromantic spectrum. And as much as I hate to say this, I have spent YEARS being deeply deeply ashamed and scared of this fact, and still kind of am.

Because despite being on the aromantic spectrum, I am a hopeless romantic. I WANT to be someone who falls in love easily and experiences crazy whirlwind romances. I want to feel romantic attraction to someone and get crushes and all of that. I miss having those feelings but I've not been seriously romantically attracted to anyone since high school. I've been on a few dates with people that felt like I could fall for them, as though those feelings could develop, but they never lasted long enough for that to happen.

I worry I won't find my person. I'm scared to admit I'm on the aro spectrum so I don't drive people I may be interested in away. (I still try to date in hopes that I'll meet someone who can bring out those feelings again as I get to know them). But those romantic feelings, while I've had them before, just simply don't happen very often at all no matter how much I wish they did.

I wish I could take pride in this aspect of myself. I wish I could wear my aromanticism with pride, but in truth, it terrifies me.

[slugass]

for the love of god why is the “war flashbacks” meme still a fucking thing to this day

(because people thrive on stereotypes about serious mental illnesses)

[cherryb0om]

Man it fucking sucks having to live with my mum and watch her descend into more and more cult-ish mindsets and not being able to do anything about it. She used to be punk and raised me to be punk, we'd go to feminist and climate protests together and now she's just gone down the sky news/ Facebook/ liberal and LNP (our Republican parties basically) rabbit hole. At this point it's so bad there's nothing I can do about it anymore but wait till I can move out and let it go. I'm just worried about my younger brother who'll have to be there for longer.

[incorrigiblemind]

Love spills from your body like rays of light and I’m a child of England, unused to the sun.

[egginfroggin]

I usually try not to get too negative on my blog, but I have to say that one thing that I'm worried about with AI art is the possible accusations that could be placed on people with certain artstyles (surrealism, hyperrealism, etc.) that are more prone to the "uncanny valley" effect, or even just artists who are in that midway point where most of a piece looks great but there's a few things that are anatomically questionable.

I think it's fine for people to have suspicions, but I'm worried that people will come to expect things such as progress videos or shots as a given, and that this will intimidate young or new artists, making them feel incredibly pressured to provide things that they shouldn't have to. And, speaking from experience, pressure does not do good things to the creative mind.

I'm worried that people will start seeing inconsistencies or awkward anatomy and immediately react with accusations of AI. It's happening on other platforms, and probably also on Tumblr, and as much as I dislike AI, I think that people need to learn to slow down and really look at something before making that accusation.

What good will stamping out AI with vigor do if innocent artists get caught in the crossfire and stop creating out of fear? What good will it do if the next generation of artists is too scared to share and inspire each other?

Genuinely, I would personally rather deal with AI images existing while still being able to freely share my actual works than I would deal with tiptoeing around very real people who would dismiss my hours of work (and musculoskeletal pain) as worthless and not real. Let artists still be free for goodness' sake.

I can be more thoroughly worded later if anyone asks, and this will probably be sorely misinterpreted, but I just need to get this out and I'm tired.

TLDR: It's fine to be against AI-generated images, but please check yourself and be careful who you accuse of using such technology before you get someone innocent caught up in it. AI-generated art isn't great, and neither is putting down someone's hard work as fake.

[mily-is-a-star]

Me when I open up to someone about my personal issues and that same person starts telling everyone that, word for word, they have that issue, and it's literally only because they want attention

[helianskies]

ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

[wanderingmind867]

I don't know why I make such a big deal out of not posting. I don't have some sort of debt to anyone that requires me to make posts, I just can't seem to stop myself from feeling bad when I don't post. Maybe that actually says something about me, and about how having a social media account may be negatively affecting me? I don't really know, honestly. But i feel like it says something, and that something probably isn't super positive. But i suppose i can't speak with certainty on any of this. sigh...