#not everything that those surrounding you say about you is necessarily true and you should be able to differentiate between what really

[mainfaggot]

my closest friend said that i have very dynamic facial expressions ("it's like you hit emote buttons!") // my little sister told me that, "strawberry lemonade is sooo you!" // my mom recently said she thinks that i should get a doctorate in philosophy because "you ponder a lot and I think you have the intellectual capacity for it" -> i am not the ghost i thought i was; i am not an empty shell

[darcytaylor]

I get people who are saying he appears to be outgrowing his friend group, however it honestly seems like he is firmly committed to them regardless of his growth. The one constant thing we’ve seen has been the presence of at least A through all the promo and she seemed to be very involved with everything and everyone else in his life apart from Bridgerton. I believe she was even seen with his cast mates from TSOT recently.

I hate to say it, but I am starting to see Bridgerton as the outlier that doesn’t seem to be built into his life, but instead kept separate. The issue for Luke is that Bridgerton and the persona he is/was around it is what he’s known for now, and by seeming to do all he can NOT to be identified with it as his defining role, I think it’s causing problems. Again, not saying any of this is fair or even right, but it isn’t unexpected and I do hate to see this sort of thing playing out so publicly for someone who we know historically struggled with anxiety (although I know some people who have been around awhile and seen him in person have said he is noticeably different as a person now and more confident/not the dorky guy he was… that’s part of why I feel like Bridgerton Luke is not really him anymore).

You have made some very good points in regard to Luke’s commitment to his friend group (and also good points in general). But just because someone is committed to a particular path doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best choice for their life or that they’re fully aware of its impact. The choices we make affect our lives, and sometimes these impacts are not always positive for ourselves or those around us. 

In Luke’s case, while it's true that his friends are posting about his private/personal life, he is still responsible for setting boundaries and making choices that align with his personal and professional goals. His current approach suggests that he may not fully be aware of the progress he has made or the level of growth he has achieved. It appears he is not surrounded by people who match his professional aspirations, which could be hindering his career. (This is all speculation on my part).

I think Luke can still maintain his friendships while also focusing on networking and advancing his career with people who share similar goals. What’s being shown publicly should ideally reflect his professional image rather than his personal/private life. His recent choices to spend time with his current group, especially when aiming to build on his success with Bridgerton, seem counterintuitive. But I will say this again, until we know his specific career goals, it’s hard to say whether his choices align with them.

Maintaining a separation between work and personal life is healthy. I think everybody should strive to do this. The issue isn’t that we keep seeing Luke’s private life, but that his private life keeps intruding into his personal brand (I brought this up in a comment to an ask). Every celebrity has a personal brand, which they use to market themselves. For Nicola, it’s her relatability, humour, and advocacy, which she effectively leverages (she's damn good at her job). In Luke’s case, the overlap of his private and professional life seems to be damaging his personal brand and creating a conflict.

But people do evolve and grow, and I don’t think it is uncommon for actors (or anyone) to undergo significant personal and professional changes, which sometimes can lead to a disconnect between public image and personal life. I also don’t think it would be easy to manage these perceptions either, but I do think it is crucial for Luke to find a balance that could allow him to embrace his growth and maintain a coherent public image (that works and isn't holding him back) at the same time. 

(also sorry this was so longwinded, but you know me, long drawn out paragraphs are my specialty!)

[mbakuetshurisprincess]

Love for Duty’s Sake Part 5

AN: Hello loves! Wow when I tell y’all I was FIGHTING in the editing room with this fic because I couldn’t tell if I should split this in half or not. I ended up just keeping it as one because I felt bad for ignoring democracy (sorry lyric) and posting Anything But Love P2 before I posted this one. A couple of fun facts about this fic because I literally have nowhere else to put them lmfao. In the convo with Griot, the reason Y/N’s argument works on him is because it follows a valid rule within arguments/logic called Hypothetical Syllogism. Basically, If A leads to B and B leads to C then you can correctly assume that A should also lead to C. Google it if you’re interested! Also, in writing Shuri’s interactions (esp the “in my wife's name” parts) it's like very heavily inspired by the way Dracula talks about Lisa Tepes in the Castlevania show!! 

Holy fuck don’t know how I could ever forget this. As always, any of my fake dating stuff is dedicated to the lovely @pinkwright. This is my writer bae y’all have no idea, L4DS and ABL posts are always made with them in mind. 

Summary: As the only daughter of Genelia, there were things you just had to do, and marrying the Queen of Wakanda was one of those things.

Pairing: Shuri x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Cussing, violence, brief mentions of bad relationships with parents that’s it I think.

Word count: 6,213 (you see why I was thinking about splitting it up now??)

Part 1.  Part 2.  Part 3.  Part 4.  Masterlist.  Taglist.

Suggested listening: Glock Six (Bonus) - 6LACK 

“No need to state the obvi', I be close to your heart I know you looking for real love I got my hand on my Glock, posted on the block I might just let off a shot, at anyone tryin' to kill her”

The feeling of your body sliding off of your wife and onto the hospital pillow below you was the first hint that something was off. You knew Shuri didn’t mean to be so rough with you, even if you hadn’t been injured. She just hopped off of the bed quicker than her mind could remember that you were laying back on her. Only when you grimaced slightly did Shuri think enough to look back at you. 

“Ndicela uxolo sthandwa sam (I’m sorry my love).” She muttered to you softly, scanning your body just long enough to ensure that you weren’t really hurt before turning her attention to Aneka. “When was this posted?” 

“Ten minutes ago.” 

Shuri took a deep inhale, rereading the post. “How did she even know about the shooting to post?” 

The question was impossible for Aneka to answer, knowing something like that wasn’t necessarily in her job description. You, however? You were used to political moves like this. “She knows because the shooting happened in her city Shuri.” 

“What?” Shuri turned to face you.

“I’m just saying, if something goes down in the Golden City, you’re made aware right? The same thing goes for DC. Especially on a day like today, foreign powers come into town. I’m sure she was all over it.” As you spoke, wheels started turning in your head, the scenario surrounding the events of your shooting. Everything was almost too perfect like it had been orchestrated. 

“Listen to what you just said Y/N, I’m notified when something happens in the Golden City, not you. So why would she be the one posting about this instead of the President?” Shuri’s tone was harsher than you would have liked, posing the question to you as if you were a child misunderstanding basic math. 

You sat up in your bed. “Because President Carter isn’t leading the show, Mallory is.” 

“Why would you say that?” 

“Because I know it’s true.” You folded your arms across your chest, starting to get annoyed at Shuri’s refusal to see what was clearly right in front of her. “Do you not trust me?” 

The question was loaded and the Queen’s response came instinctually, “The question is not if I trust you, we are married of course I trust you. But you make it increasingly harder to trust you when you put forth ideas like that.” Shuri mimicked your position, crossing her arms over herself. 

Her response stung and the look on your face made Shuri regret saying it immediately. “I did not mean-” 

You cut Shuri off, not wanting to hear what she had to say. “Nope. You said it. What do I know anyway? Not like I come from a family of politicians who would make this exact same move given the chance.” You turned your attention from where Shuri and Aneka stood back to the tv, effectively disengaging from the conversation. 

Warning signals were going off in Shuri’s head and she knew she fucked up. Taking one more look at the screen she made her way back over to your bed. Kneeling next to you and taking your hand in hers. “I am sorry, sthandwa sam. (my love) I didn't mean to brush off your idea like that.  Your attention still faced forward but the Queen could feel the race in your heart rate when her thumb traced over the lines of your knuckles. 

The silent treatment you were giving Shuri was frustrating her, if she had just slowed down as Okoye said, she would've thought about what she was saying before she said it. “I promise I will make it up to you-”

The buzz of Shuri’s kimoyo beads pulled her attention away from you and her apology. 

Speak of the devil and she shall appear.

It was a message from Okoye letting her know that they had all made it back safely to Wakanda and that Liam Drockers was in the lower-level interrogation rooms. Aneka must’ve gotten a similar message from Ayo because when she made eye contact with Shuri, she gave her a knowing nod as she left the room. 

“I will make this up to you… when I am free again.” The end of the sentence tumbled slowly out of Shuri’s mouth, knowing it was going to garner a reaction from you. 

“What?” Instead of your voice sounding angry like the Queen had expected, it almost sounded more hurt or scared. This new tone pulled at Shuri’s heartstrings. “You’re leaving?” 

While yes, you were literally just ignoring Shuri ten seconds ago, you hadn’t expected her to just up and leave like that. Especially given how physically close you two had spent the last hour, part of you had grown attached to her in a way you never imagined possible. Addicted to the safe feeling that only seemed to come when you were in her arms. 

“I have some council business I have to take care of.” Her rubbing of your hands still hadn’t stopped, tracing every detail of your knuckles. 

You looked at her now, teeth biting at your bottom lip. “What do you have that’s so important?” 

“Just some time-sensitive stuff I need to handle. It should be quick, I don’t imagine it will be long.” Her eyes were averted, so you had no read on what possible clues they could be conveying. Something about this bothered you, normally she was so demanding of your eye contact and now she wasn’t even looking up. But you knew Shuri, whatever this was she wasn’t going to give up easily. You needed something to garner her attention first before you asked her what you needed to know. 

“I think I’m gonna call home.” Shuri’s eyes instantly flashed up to yours.

“Really?”

“I think so, I don’t want my family worrying about me, you know? I don’t want them thinking I’m dead or anything. Now that Mallory has so kindly let the world know about this.” 

Shuri hummed in response, debating asking the question at the forefront of her mind. “I thought- I mean, I didn’t know you had a way of contacting them.” 

This made you feel a little bit guilty since you had made it seem like you’d given Genelia up for good. “It's a direct line to my father's advisor, only for emergency purposes.” Your eyes flickered around her face. “I’ve never used it, I didn’t think I’d have to.” 

Shuri felt assured in hearing this, the slight worry that had slipped into her mind about you secretly planning to leave her dissipated. “Oh, okay.” She savored these last few minutes of her hand tracing yours, knowing that soon those same hands who held yours so delicately would be used in the complete opposite manner. 

“Shuri?” The way you called her name was soft, the same way you had in the restaurant before all of this had happened. It made her feel warm inside, lowering her guard just as you intended. 

Her response once again was just a hum, her eyes studying every detail of your face the way her hands did yours. 

“You wouldn’t lie to me right?” Your question caught her off guard but her rubbing never stopped. 

“Kakade hayi, sithandwa sam. (Of course, not my love)” Her eyes conveyed no sign of lying so you continued. 

“So it’s really council business that's so pressing you have to take care of it right now? Not anything to do with me?” You asked the question confidently, not taking your eyes off Shuri, searching for a tell. Anyone else would have missed it but you didn’t, the brief second when Shuri’s movements faltered. When her hand stopped rubbing yours. 

“Yes.” 

“Yes, what?” 

She stood up now, letting go of your hand. Being at eye level with you was too much right now, it felt too connected given the fact that she was literally lying to your face. “Yes, it’s council business like I told you before. Very time sensitive.” Before you could respond she spoke again. “Aneka!” 

The Dora appeared in the door frame with lightning speed, “Yes, ngangamsha (your majesty)?” 

“Guard Y/N’s side of the ward while I deal with this business, make sure no harm comes to her.” Shuri’s words were confident and her arms now crossed her chest signifying her demeanor change. 

“Shuri, I don't need a babysitter, I’m fine.” You protested. “Plus Aneka has yet to see Ayo, let them see each other.” 

“I am fine, my Queen. Thank you for your kindness but ensuring your safety is more important.” Aneka responded quickly, earning a nod of agreement from Shuri. 

Your wife looked down at her kimoyo beads. “I’ll be back in an hour, mfazi (wife).” Placing a kiss on your forehead, she looked down at you one more time before she left. “No trouble while I’m gone?” 

“I’ll try my hardest.” You replied as she walked out of the room, Aneka behind her taking her spot guarding your room. 

This left you alone with your thoughts and while a million things were running around your mind there were two prominent thoughts. One being, your wife was lying to you. 

You couldn't be a hundred percent sure about exactly what she was lying about but you knew it had something to do with you. While you wanted to snoop around and try and figure it out, the second of the thoughts found its way to the forefront of your mind. Having to call you family. 

Looking around you found your physical phone, the one that Shuri still referred to as ‘primitive technology’. Scrolling until you found the contact you didn’t think you’d ever have to press. Saying a prayer you pressed call and hoped for the best. 

The line rang only one time before the person picked up. “This isn’t some sick joke, you’re really calling me?” 

“Marcos, I told you I’d only call you in an emergency. I wouldn't play a joke like this.” 

You could hear him recite a prayer on the other end of the line. “Everyones worried sick about you Y/N, I mean your parents think you’re…” His voice trailed off and it made your heart hurt thinking about the stress this whole situation inadvertently caused your family. 

“I know, I know, that’s why I called. Can you just tell them that I’m alright? It’s nothing to worry about and I’ll be fine?” 

Marcos contemplated your words, “Y/N, your father will kill me if he finds out I spoke to you without giving him the opportunity.” 

The sound of movement from the other end of the line had you concerned. “Marcos wait, you know I don’t want to speak to them.” It was a useless plea and you knew it. As much as Marcos cared about you like you were his own daughter and wished to protect you as such. At the end of the day, he worked for your father. 

“I’m sorry mon papillon (my butterfly)” The term of endearment did little to quell the feeling of betrayal as Marcos moved to give the phone to your father. 

“Whoever it is Marcos, tell them they will need to call later, I am grieving my daughter.” 

“It is about Y/N, sir.”

Your father looked between his advisor and the phone before picking it up. 

“Yes?” This was the first time you had heard your father's voice in years. It had become too painful to go back and watch old home videos from before Yara’s death so part of you wondered if you’d forgotten what he sounded like. But as soon as his deep voice bellowed through the phone, you remembered. 

“Dad? It’s me.” You were scared to speak the words at first, questioning how he would react. 

“Y/N, is that you? Oh my god! Josiah, get your mother from the chapel, our baby is alive!” The outcry from your father made your heart hurt, had he been that concerned?

“Dad-” You tried to speak but his rambling cut you off. 

“When we saw the news honey we were so worried about you, I thought you had died. But you didn’t! God brought you back!”

“Dad-”

 “He’s bringing you back home to us!” He ended his rejoicing when you finally spoke up. 

“Babba! What are you talking about?” Your pain medication must have been making you delirious and mishear things. 

“What do you mean Y/N, this is a sign! You were almost taken from Genelia, from us. We need to come together and give thanks that you’re still with us.” Your father's words were confusing you, why was he saying that you were taken from them as if they weren't the same ones to send you away? 

“I’m not coming home Dad, I was just calling to let everyone know I was okay-”

“Nonsense!” Your mother spoke now, you weren't aware when she arrived in the room. “You must come home, we miss you. This was a wake-up call, don’t you think?” 

You paused now and took a deep breath. What they were asking was encroaching on a boundary you had set the day you left Genelia. To never come back. “I just, I don’t think it’s a good idea guys.”

It was now your parent's turn to pause while they thought about what they could say to change your mind. But it wasn’t them that spoke, instead it was a different voice. One that clearly held the tonal characteristics of a man but was still slightly squeaky signifying they hadn’t fully finished maturing. 

“So you’re just never gonna come back? Is that it then?” If it wasn’t for your father's words earlier you wouldn’t have even been able to guess who it was. But of course, it was your little shadow who spoke up now. Josiah. 

“Siah-”

“No, you don’t get to call me that anymore. My sister, who loved me and didn’t just get up and abandon her family for a fancy new life in France, called me that. I don’t know who you are.” 

Josiah’s words cut through you like the sharpest blade known to man, cutting deeper than any slick comment from Shuri. Is that really what he thought happened? That you left your family behind to go chase your dreams in a foreign country? 

You didn’t care about your parents, quite frankly fuck them. Any emotional ties you felt towards them had long left you, so saying no to them while it was hard; it didn’t hurt. Saying no to Josiah though? Hearing the disappointment in his voice? He didn’t deserve this. To be caught in the crosshairs of the relationship between you and your parents. 

“Fine!” 

“Fine?” Your mother and father's voice asked in unison. 

“Fine, I will come back to Genelia to visit.” 

“Tomorrow?” Josiah’s voice questioned.

“Tomorrow? Siah I just got shot.” You tried to reason with your brother, and while you didn’t feel any of the effects of the shooting at this exact moment you still didn’t know if traveling so soon would be wise. Plus you still needed to explain this all to Shuri. 

“You’re married to the smartest woman in the world and live in the most technologically advanced country. I’m sure they can figure something out.” Josiah left no room for argument in his sentence. 

“Fine Siah, I will come to Genelia for a few days, flying in tomorrow. Happy?” You didn’t even understand why you were agreeing to this. 

“Not in the slightest, I have no idea who you are anymore. I did that for Mom and Dad.” 

That hurt more than Josiah knew. You tried to tell yourself that he didn’t mean it, but something in you couldn't believe it. 

“Okay well, I’ve got to go. I’ll um talk to Marcos about arrival times and everything.” You needed this phone call done, the gravity of what you had just agreed to started to weigh on you. 

“Parfait! We can’t wait to see you soon Y/N. We love you!” You could hear the smile in your father's voice and felt guilt not only that you didn’t feel the same happiness but that you couldn’t reciprocate his “I love you” truthfully.  

“Yeah I um, I’ll see you guys soon.” With that you ended the call, throwing your head back against the pillow. 

As you sat in silence you digested what had just happened.

1. You called Marcos, just to let him know that you were alive. 

2. You ended up on a phone call with your parents, speaking to them for the first time in years. 

3. After declining to come to Genelia, you were guilt-tripped into returning by your little brother. Not because he wanted to see you but because he knew his parents wanted to.

All of this made your head reel and you longed for the peace and comfort that your wife provided. But she wasn’t here with you, her wife who had just been shot. Instead, she was dealing with council business.

“Griot.” 

“Ah your majesty, I am glad you are in good health again. What can I do for you?” 

You paused wondering if Griot was even able to give you this information. “Where is Shuri right now?” 

“Shuri has programmed me to not disclose her location to anyone unless it is an emergency, I am sorry your majesty.” 

Of course Shuri had done so, always wanting to keep tabs on everyone but not thinking anyone else needed to keep them on her. You wanted to give up before an idea popped into your head. “Griot, Shuri programmed me into your system as a Queen, correct?” 

“Yes your majesty, she has programmed you with the same clearance as she has.” 

Jackpot. 

“And Shuri has access to her location status I would assume?” 

“Yes, your majesty.” 

“Great, so she has access to her location status, and I have the same clearance level as her/  You can give me her location.” Your reasoning was solid, creating a logical path that the AI could follow. 

“Yes, your majesty, that does appear to be correct. One moment please.”Success. “Queen Shuri is in the basement, interrogation room one.” 

“Interrogation room one?” You asked Griot again, you didn’t even know the palace had a single interrogation room, let alone multiple. 

“Yes, the Queen has been in that room since she left you in the hospital wing.” 

So she had been lying to you. 

“Thank you, Griot, that will be all.” 

There was no doubt in your mind that this had something to do with your shooting and that Shuri thought she was doing good by you by keeping you away from all of it. Trying to shield you from more pain. But that wasn’t what you asked for, it was what she decided you needed. 

You touched your abdomen, trying to gauge your pain level. As Josiah had said, you were in the most technologically advanced country so truly your recovery wouldn’t take more than a few days. Right now, you felt good enough to hobble out of bed and make it out of your room. 

Shuri wanted to lie to you? Fine. But you were going to go down to the basement to figure out exactly what she was up to.  

You made it no more than five feet out of your room before a body in front of you haltered your progress. 

“What are you doing out of bed ngangamsha (your majesty)? You should be resting.” Aneka’s concerned look surprised you. While you knew it was her job to protect you, you saw a twinge of genuine concern in her eyes. 

“She lied to me Aneka.” You took a step to the side and then forward so she was no longer in your path. The dull twinge of pain let you know that this might be more difficult than your first few steps had made it appear, nonetheless you were going to make the journey. 

“Intoni? (What?)” 

“Shuri lied to me. She told me she had council business to take care of, but she didn’t. She’s downstairs in the basement right now. So I’m going down there to see what could be so important that she felt the need to lie to me.” You continued your walk towards the elevator pleasantly surprised that Aneka didn’t appear to try and stop you. 

You took a few more steps before suddenly something pressed against the back of both of your knees, causing you to lose your balance. Falling back right into… a chair? Aneka stood above you, her hands on the handle of the wheelchair that she had just gently gotten you into. “I am not condoning you doing this, however, I know I can not stop you.” 

You nodded, grateful to hear that. 

“But,” Of course there was something. “I will not let you rip your stitches hobbling down there.” 

A smile passed across your face and a similar one came to Ankea’s. 

“Plus, I can talk to you while we make our way down there. I should fill you in, it is for the best.” Aneka pushed you forward as she began to explain just who was awaiting you in the basement. 

While you two made your way down, Shuri, Ayo, Okoye, and your assailant were deep into their interrogation session. 

To Shuri’s credit, she tried to be diplomatic about the whole situation. When she first walked into the room and saw Liam Drockers sitting down with Ayo and Okoye on either side of him, she imagined what her brother would say to her. 

“Patience sisi.” He would say. “Regardless of what he has done, he is deserving of a fair questioning, the same as you and me.” 

And she tried to take T’Challa’s advice, asking Liam simple questions at first.

“Are you an employee of Judas’s Ice Cream shop?” 

No response.

“Are you working for the United States government?” 

No response. 

“Were you aware the person you shot was the Queen of Wakanda, Y/N Y/L/N Udaku?”

A small smile creeped up on Liam’s face after she finished speaking, but still, he said nothing. This infuriated her and she was about ready to cast this whole morally right thing to the side and get the information she needed through more direct means. 

But then her mother's voice came into her head. “Do not let him remove you from yourself intomba (daughter).”

The Queen calmed herself, “I asked you a question. Were you aware the person you shot was  Y/N Y/L/N Udaku, the Queen of Wakanda?” 

While Liam's eyes had largely remained on the floor he pulled them up to her now, showing off the bored look they held. “I didn’t miss, did I?” 

Shuri’s heartbeat increased, so he knew what he was doing. This was a planned attack on her wife? He knew who she was and still chose to take the shot?

“You still thinkin’ bout showin this fool mercy?” No. That was the one voice she didn’t want to listen to. 

Okoye saw the look and Shuri’s eyes and when their gaze finally met, a wave of concern washed over her. She was losing Shuri to this. 

Okoye’s suggestion for a break is what brought them outside, Shuri pacing up and down the hallway trying to decide how to move forward. 

“Is it really that hard of a decision little cuz?” 

“Shut up.” She spoke out loud. Ayo looked over to Okoye wondering if they should step in but Okoye shook her head, hoping that whoever Shuri was speaking to would provide the young girl some clarity. 

“I’m just saying what you’re really thinking here. I mean he shot ya wife, you really cool with letting that slide?” 

“I am not ‘letting it slide’, I’m going about it the diplomatic way N’Jadaka. Something I know you know nothing about.”

Erik laughed at that “Aww shit little panther got some bite to her huh? But you’re right I don’t know shit about the diplomatic way, what I do know however is how to get results, quickly. It’s cool though, give this mother fucker the time and respect he didn’t give to your wife. I’m sure that’s smart.” 

His last comment drew Shuri over the edge. Done with the conversation and confident in her decision, she made her way back over to the door where Ayo and Okoye awaited her. She knew the decision she had come to was harsh but the only thing on her mind was ensuring your safety and getting to the bottom of this. 

“If you do not want to stay for the next part of the interrogation, I am not ordering either of you too. This is the time now to back out of this, without any blood on your hands.” She thought for a moment about how literal her figure of speech was about to become. “Ngokunzulu (Seriously).” 

Okoye looked Shuri up and down. It was in moments like these that she no longer saw the young girl she had watched grow up over the past ten years. The youthful glow had faded over and now left Shuri with a hard exterior that seemed to be ever-present. “Are you sure this is what you want to do ikumkani wam (my queen)?” Okoye offered this out to Shuri now, one shot to think clearly about her decision.

“A hundred percent.” Was Shuri’s simple reply. 

That’s how they ended up here, Ayo holding Liam’s cuffed arms behind his back while Shuri issued blow after blow to his abdomen, turning him effectively into a human punching bag. 

“You done with the games now Liam?” A punch landed on his stomach. “Are you ready to say something and give me the information I need to know?” 

The whole ordeal hurt Okoye to watch but she understood why Shuri had shifted to such drastic means, it was only out of necessity. 

Liam gathered his breath as Shuri removed the jacket she’d been wearing, leaving her in a compression shirt. “No words Liam, really?” She cracked her knuckles and delivered two more blows, one after the other. “That’s okay I’m sure soon enough you will.” 

He shifted in Ayo’s arms for a few seconds for spitting the blood that had pooled in his mouth down at Shuris feet, giving her a defiant stare. 

A smirk rose to Shuri’s face as she looked at the few drops of blood that had gotten on her sneakers. “You know Liam, I had been holding back in the name of my wife. I’ll tell you a secret since, quite frankly, the likelihood of you making it out of Wakanda to repeat this is slim to none. I don’t know much about my wife, we do not have the most conventional marriage so the real things I can say I know about her are few and far in between. But what I do know about my lovely Y/N, she hates violence and views it as the very last play in the book. Convinced me not to kill a spider once just because she said it wasn’t necessary.” 

Shuri smiled at the silly memory of you cussing her out at home when she tried to kill a spider instead of releasing it outside. 

“So, in her name, I haven't been using any of my enhanced strength. This,” She points to the purple bruises that had started to form on the skin of his stomach. “It's all me. But, since you want to be disrespectful and spit blood on my shoes, we’re giving all that up.” Quicker than anyone in the room could have seen, Shuri put her hands up and delivered a devastatingly strong blow to his stomach. Providing enough force that even Ayo had to take a step back to steady herself and absorb some of the shock of the blow. 

You watched in horror from the other side of the glass in the interrogation room as Liam doubled over in pain, gasping for air. Aneka and yourself had been in the room just long enough to watch him spit blood on your wife's shoes. 

“Now, we’re going to try this again.” Shuri started with the same line of questions from before. “Are you working for the United States government?” 

Once Liam pulled himself together, he gave the Queen no answer, just continuing his stare of contempt. 

Shuri chuckled, “Again then? Okay.” She let out another punch, Ayo being more prepared this time held Liam’s body tight. 

“She’s gonna kill him Aneka.” You spoke quietly from the wheelchair as you watched the whole ordeal take place. “We can’t let her kill him, that’s not her.” 

Aneka nodded, “But there is nothing we can do right now my Queen. Ayo and Okoye are in there with her, they will not let it go too far.” 

“I need to get in there.” Shuri wasn’t going to listen to Ayo or Okoye, you didn’t even know if she was going to listen to you. But as far as you were concerned this had already gone far enough. You started moving your wheelchair towards the door but Aneka stopped you. 

“Your majesty I cannot let you in there, bringing you down here was a breach of protocol enough. To have you in there would just be a blatant disregard for the Queen’s wishes.” Aneka declared. 

Both of your attention was brought back to Shuri and Liam when she hit him in the same spot again, leading him to cough up more blood. 

“You go in there and bring my wife out to me or I go in there and bring her out myself. Two choices, you pick.” You folded your arms like a child, waiting for Aneka’s response. 

She looked into the interrogation room and back to you. “Bast you two are perfect for each other. Stubborn just alike.” 

With that she left you, walking out and knocking before entering the other room. 

“ikumkani wam,” She interjected, pulling Shuri’s attention from the man and onto the Dora. 

“What is it Aneka, I am busy.” Shuri looked at her impatiently. 

“uY/n ulapha kwaye angathanda ukuthetha nawe (Y/N is here and would like to talk to you).” Aneka switched to their mother tongue so Liam couldn’t understand what they were saying. 

Shuri’s face faltered for a second. You were here? How long had you been watching? How much had you seen? “I am in the middle of an inter-” 

The sound of you banging on the wall to indicate you didn’t care what she was doing cut Shuri off. She looked at Liam before speaking to Ayo and Okoye. “Put him down, I will be back shortly.” In a second Shuri was out of the room and opening the door to the other side of the interrogation room, meeting your icy gaze. 

“What are you doing out of bed sithandwa sam (my love)?” Shuri’s concern was real, raking her eyes over your body. 

“You lied to me.” You weren't wasting time tip-toeing around the subject, 

“I was protecting you.” Shuri’s justification came quickly, as she took a step closer to you. The light illuminated her face better now and you were able to see the small spots of blood that had splattered on her face. 

Against your better judgment, you called her closer to you “Come here.” She obliged kneeling so you two were at eye level, mimicking the position you two had been in this morning. You reached to hold her face in your hand, wiping the small dots of blood away with your thumb. “You lied to me,” You said again looking into her eyes. 

“I was trying to-” Shuri tried again to explain this to you but you cut her off with a gentle tap to her lips with your free hand. 

“I know you were trying to protect me Shuri, but I am your wife. You can’t lie to me.” The look in your eyes conveyed the seriousness of your comments. 

The excuses started to form in Shuri’s mouth but she stopped them. “I- I know and I’m sorry. I should have told you what I was doing.” She let her head rest in your hand and averted her eyes down, fiddling with the material from your hospital gown. 

“Yes, you should have.” While your words were harsh, the tone and way you caressed her face let her know you weren't really mad with her. 

“Let me make this right umfazi (wife).” Shuri declared sitting up so she looked you in the eyes once again. “The man, his name is Liam Drockers he-” 

“I already know Shuri.” You smiled at your wife who looked at you cluelessly. “Aneka filled me in on our way down here, I know everything. I want to speak with him.” 

Shuri pulled out of your grasp now, appalled you would even ask something like that. “Absolutely not Y/N, there is no logical reason to risk your life by putting you in there with him.”

“First there is no risk to my life, not only is he handcuffed but Ayo and Okoye will be in there with us. Second Shuri, you owe me. This has everything to do with me and you tried to keep it from me, I deserve at least one chance to speak with him. Alone.” You were confident in your rebuttal, Shuri tried to find a counterargument for every point you made but she couldn't. 

“Five minutes with Okoye, Ayo, and Aneka inside with you.” Shuri brought her demands to the table and you thought about it for a second. Was she seriously that worried for your safety that she thought you needed three Dora’s in there with you and a restrained and beaten man? 

“Deal.” 

With that Shuri wheeled you out of the viewing area and to the interrogation room. Aneka held the door open and your wife pushed you through the entryway, stopping at the frame per your request. 

“Oh yeah and pack a bag, we’re going to Genelia tomorrow.” You shut the door leaving your very confused wife on the other side. You two were going where? 

In front of you sat a very bruised Liam Drockers, Ayo, and Okoye on his sides You always found it so funny how no matter how big or bad someone seemed, at the end of the day they were made of flesh and bones just like you. 

Wheeling up to the table you sat and stared at your attacker for a moment. Trying to search for something you were never going to find, a reason or justification. 

“Alright, Liam I’m going to make this very easy for you.” You interlaced your fingers and let them sit on the table, this is where you shined. “In the other room, my wife is waiting with bated breath for me to tell her it's okay to come in here and continue to beat the living shit out of you. Now me personally, as you heard before, I’m not a fan of violence. I think it's an unnecessary evil of the world, something we really can function without.” You paused letting out a chuckle. “Not that I think that you believe the same,” You gestured down to your stomach. “You clearly favor my wife when it comes to that way of thinking.” 

Liam's eyes moved all over you, attempting to size you up as a threat. 

“So, now that you know that much about me, let me tell you how this is going to work. Either A. we can make this super simple, you answer every question I have and agree to the plan we have in place. Or, I call my wife back in here and she beats you to a pulp.” 

A wheezing breath came from your attacker and you couldn’t help but notice how weak he looked now, the beating from Shuri having done a good chunk of damage. “I’m not sayin shit, I know my rights.”

You smiled at this, leaning closer to him. “Your rights? You think your rights will protect you here?” The look on Liam’s face changed for a split second, his facade slipping. “You’re in the basement interrogation room of the most technologically advanced country in the world because you shot one of their Queens. You were flown in on a top-secret jet, there's no record of you ever even being in Wakanda. Nobody knows you’re here.” 

“That’s- that’s not true.” Liam stammered out. “There are people out there who know who I am, who are looking for me.” 

This got the heartiest laugh from you yet. “Mallory? Really? You think she’d save you?” The idea he was pushing was almost comical. “You were a gun for hire, you served your purpose and now there's nothing left for you to do, you were disposable from the beginning. Do you seriously believe she’d risk a national incident to save one measly hit man?” 

The truthfulness of your words hit Liam like a ton of bricks, there was no getting out of this. 

“So,” You began. “I’ll ask the question my wife has been trying to ask. What the fuck was your mission and who do you report to.” 

Liam shifted in his chair, looking around the room as he assessed his situation. “It all started with Mallory.” 

Taglist:  @shuriszn @sokkasbae25 @verachii @cuddl3s4shur1 @takeyaki @jinnie10101 @letitias-fav @sweetalittleselfish-honey @beautybyfire @6-noir @mocha-aya @yvxmpire @mysticalmarss @ziayamikaelson @youralphawolf72 @n7cje @inmyheadimobsessed @shurisjournal @shurisbigtoe @saintwrld @pinkwright @chatitajens @playhousedistee @motheroffae @injeolmiee @tchhairbandhere @._mrqs @msudaku @lppriceisright @bratydoll @blackqueengold @iheartsolo @cafehyunji @abenomeiiii @naomis-daydream @ilroachsworld @locoforshuri @nrc-06

[pomrania]

So in the notes of that "skywhalefall" post, I've seen a bunch of people calling it a type of "cosmic horror" and. Like. Either their definition of "cosmic horror" is a lot broader than it is for me, or I failed at getting across what I intended to convey, or I have a really fucked-up sense of what isn't "horror".

Suppose it's best to start with definitions. From what I've gathered, "cosmic horror" is a type of horror that focuses on how humanity is small and insignificant and powerless in the grand scheme of things, and what exists is far weirder than you could ever imagine, and a whole bunch of it is inherently "hostile" to life as we know it (not necessarily out of malice, just out of environmental incompatibility, like radiation). And, most importantly, it's HORROR; if the emotion you get from it is "wow there's so much cool stuff out there", then either the intended response failed to be engendered in the audience (due to lack of skill, or a changing context, or someone having a stupidly high threshold for "getting scared"), or it's not actually "cosmic horror".

I do not like "horror". I find it an entirely unpleasant emotion to experience. I do however like "weird stuff", alien creatures and environments completely outside of our normal experience. I love it in fiction, when it's able to be properly conveyed; and it's fascinating when it's NOT fiction, just a corner of our actual real-life world where what we take for granted doesn't exist and yet life still manages to be there. Like the really deep ocean.

(Some people call those weird-looking fish "nightmares". And like, it's true that you -- as a relatively large chunk of relatively undefended organic matter -- wouldn't necessarily be safe from them at least TRYING to eat you, but you'd have worse problems if you were in the same environment as them, like the temperature and the pressure and oh yeah the fact that it's completely under water so you wouldn't be able to breathe. And I don't know about other people, but for me, THAT aspect of it is more likely to show up in any nightmares I might have; you can theoretically frighten away or fight off any creature, but not the water surrounding you on all directions.)

I just... are people using "cosmic horror" these days to describe "thing that comes out of nowhere and is completely different to life as you know it"? Because that makes even LESS sense than using it to describe a particular aesthetic, since at least "tentacles" and "like only part of it can be shown in three dimensions at a time" are from foundational works in the subgenre. I mean, it's POSSIBLE to write cosmic horror describing, say, an actual-ass tortoise -- I've read that, it was cool -- but that doesn't mean an tortoises in general should be considered "cosmic horror".

Or is it like, it's considered "cosmic horror" if it forefronts how people aren't in control of everything in the world? Because, ah, that was just everyday reality for almost all of human history everywhere; and even when you don't have to worry about predators who might think you're prey, or the fickleness of weather for your crops, there's still natural disasters, and environments that are very much not hospitable to humanity. Does "being caught in a storm at sea" or "suffering from oxygen deprivation on a tall mountain" or "there's a wildfire" count as "cosmic horror" for people?

Maybe we just need a better term for "the universe is vaster and WAY stranger than you'd previously imagined", which doesn't include the "...and that's a bad thing, for you in particular" that you get for "cosmic horror". "Cosmic wonder" might work, if it didn't sound like a lipstick brand, or some New Age workshop.

[pallastrology]

how love flows through the houses

first house - in the first house, love flows through us from the first breath. we aren’t always loved by those around us, or by ourselves, but i believe we are at our best when love is in all that we do, and all that we are. the first house rules selfhood; our identity, instincts and reactions, our outward expression. from birth, we naturally seek out attachment and love, and this need never really leaves us, simply changing shape over the years. the first house asks us to be the loving adult we needed as children. to treat ourselves with the love we deserve as humans. it asks us to be ourselves, radically and relentlessly, and not to shrink or hide ourselves from the world. it asks us to be.

second house - the second house is where we find love in our immediate surroundings. it’s how we value ourselves, how we value those around us. the security and comfort we feel in the womb, and later, when we find our true home. it’s feeling safe in our own skin, nourishing and embracing ourselves, letting down an anchor within that we can always return to when times are hard and chaos rules our lives. the love of the second house is found through seeing the inherent worth we have as human beings. it’s love that comes from enough; have enough, feel enough, good enough.

third house - in the third house, love is expressed through curiosity, communication, connections. the questioning eyes of an eager child, the first time you met your childhood best friend, staying up all night to finish a new book. it isn’t a romantic kind of love, but the love that we have for our siblings, our friends, our hometown. there’s a sense of nostalgia to it; it’s pure and sweet and a little silly at times. life can often shame and sweep this type of love away as we get older and have to conform to ever-shifting goalposts. the love of the third house comes from a deep desire to understand, and a keenness to connect with the world - and people - around us. we feel it most when we communicate honestly with ourselves and others, and allow ourselves to be beginners.

fourth house - love in the fourth house feels like sitting under a blanket while a storm blares outside. it’s safety, warmth, a soft, sleepy embrace. it’s the faultless environment of the womb. the fourth house is associated with family, and its love is unconditional, like a family’s should be. we aren’t always blessed with good relatives, but i believe we find our true families throughout life, and that they will love us truly and simply, with no airings attached. we feel the love of the fourth house when we nurture the small, soft parts of ourselves and treat them with the love they missed out on earlier; when we are with our family, whoever they may be; when we are curled up in a corner and everything is okay for now.

fifth house - in the fifth house, it’s easy to see love; it’s all about what we create, what we adore and admire, what we breathe life into. it’s a light, sparkling kind of love, that fills us with a glow and a sense of belonging. it is a love to be shared freely and enthusiastically, to show off a little. when we create a work of art, when we connect with a person for the first time, when we make someone’s day, when we hold a newborn for the first time and see how fragile and beautiful they are, we are embodying the spirit of love in the fifth house. we can honour it by showing ourselves respect, kindness, and pride, by being generous and passionate, by having firsts and by having fun along the way.

sixth house - now we plant our feet back on the ground and find ourselves in the sixth house. love here is much more subtle, but we see it through service; what we do for ourselves, our loved ones, our environment. i would say the theme is devotion, not necessarily in the religious sense, though religion is a divine kind of love in and of itself; but we devote ourselves through selfless, timeless love, and that is exactly the spirit of the sixth house. why do we tend a garden? why do we take in animals? why do we kiss a scraped knee? it all comes from love. when we dedicate ourselves to living at a kinder pace, to taking the time to breathe, to finding the ritualistic in the mundane and to creating a sustainable way of living for ourselves and our loved ones, we are full of love.

seventh house - the seventh house is all about partnership. it’s one of the houses that is almost always associated with love, because it traditionally rules our marriage partner and is ruled by venus and libra. but there’s more to love than marriage, and that’s why i like to say partnership instead. you could say that love is expressed in the seventh house through one-on-one connections; both romantically and otherwise, this is where we love the individuals we journey through life with. it’s all about that red thread that runs between you and them. there’s an intimacy and uniqueness to each relationship here, where you and they are reflected at each other. the love of the seventh house is most clearly felt in those moments when there is nothing else in the world but the two of you.

eighth house - the eighth house is another one that’s often associated with love, though of a less cerebral type than its predecessor. we generally think of the physical here, and that’s not wrong, but perhaps misses an important piece of the puzzle; the eighth house rules shared resources. our bodies are a resource when it comes to love, but really, what we are sharing is trust, vulnerability, the binding of two souls as one. when we meet in the middle with love at the forefront, we give a piece of ourselves, and receive a piece of our lover. we each become the missing piece of the other, transforming ourselves on a level we may or may not feel. love here can be murky, but it runs deep and wild.

ninth house - in the ninth house, we find a subtle, cool love. it isn’t fiery or romantic, but it is ageless and transcendent. the ninth house is all about wisdom, exploration, religion, travel. love here is best felt when we do what we love; when we are learning, growing, moving. stagnation is no good here, and the ninth house shows us we need to be challenged a little in order to become our best selves. it doesn’t mean we need to suffer, but when everything is easy, we stop learning and we stop really living. being honest, explorative, open-minded and passionate is the way to embody this patient, unorthodox kind of love.

tenth house - here, we find love through legacy. what have we built? what have we become? the fire within that helped us grow through our challenges, that helped us find our place and master it, and allowed us to build something worth keeping, is where love resides. it’s that little voice inside that urges us forward when everything is dark. it’s ambition, courage, patience and diligence. we see it in good leaders, in kind parents. love here isn’t always pretty, but it is real. it asks us to create something to leave behind, to pass our love down. it asks us to take control of our destiny and then to relinquish it to our descendants.

eleventh house - in the eleventh house, love is felt and expressed through ideas. the nurturing and sharing of ideas and ideals is what helps us build community; it’s what allows us to better the lives of who and what we love. love is fostered through collaboration, and the eleventh house, ruling friends, community and the widest of our social connections, is all about collaborative effort. i believe that the eleventh house teaches us that love isn’t always easy. it’s work, it involves a lot of slowing down and showing up, a lot of listening, it can be slow and tedious. but love is about wanting to be our best selves, and share our best with the ones we love.

twelfth house - pure, infinite, unconditional love. it's unspoken, untouched, but ever-present. it follows us from the first to the last breath, and wraps itself around us like a silken shroud as we step into the next life. we often don't feel this universal love, not consciously; it's a part of everything. do we feel the oxygen in the air we breathe? well, we feel the lack of it. but here in the twelfth house, there is no lack of love. like its ruling sign of pisces, it’s deep, far beyond our consciousness, and draws from infinite pools of unconditional, true love. we embody it by being vulnerable, kind, and finding the lyricism in the everyday.

[vaultof-thoughts]

so I was getting kinda frustrated with myself because I felt like I was overreacting because I felt bad about something that happened. I’ve recently gotten into a fight with my friend and I was like mentally scolding myself for feeling sad about the situation and how I should stay as the observer and to stop engaging with the illusion, which made me feel worse.

But I see that’s it’s almost impossible to ignore and not engage with your surroundings, so I realized it’s okay to react as long as I know this is all a dream…

Am I going towards the right path? I feel like I’m going crazy 🫠

yep, right on!

I feel like some people (not necessarily you) misinterpret observe or just be as "ignore" or even think that it's bad to have "negative" thoughts in the first place. But it's actually completely okay to have those sensations/thoughts.

First I want you to realize there are no negative or positive emotions. They're just sensations. Sensations that have no effect on " " and are illusionary and baseless at their core. Using labels such as good or bad can make them seem like more than that, when they aren't. See them for what they truly are, stop attaching stories to it.

Secondly, you said you were frustrated with yourself, but who is frustrated? you - your true nature - or is that just another thoughts which then forces you to engage and spiral more and more. Let the thoughts and feelings be. They're not you. And who is the one saying it's possible to ignore? Again - just another insubstantial thought which you take to be the truth, but actually isn't credible at all.

Yeah, you were right, you can scream cry, whatever, but look past everything and realize what's truly going on.

[lordystrange]

Not trying to sound parasocial, make excuses, or take up for the bad things noah did but...

I personally think part of noah's problem is that he hangs out with a bad crowd who's a lot older than him and he seems to be quite an impressionable ppl pleaser who tries to fit in. I like to believe there's at least some good in ppl and I truly hope he makes an apology someday for liking those bad posts although it won't fix what he has already done. As for his insta post, i do feel a lot of ppl misinterpreted it, but then he went posting stuff to his insta story siding with Isreal. He may not want to see that what isreal is doing is bad and he may feel the need to defend them as a way of thinking that he's helping jews, but he's not.

A lot of ppl talk like they have no hope for him to learn, grow, and apologize, and while i am disappointed, i don't think it's bad to hold out hope. He's young and has time to do those things. Not trying to use that as an excuse because he IS old enough to know things and he already did what he did, but it is a fact that ppl tend to do dumb and hurtful things around his age, he just so happens to have a platform that makes things he says/does worse. I don't think noah is necessarily EVIL, i think he just needs to be careful when he speaks about certain subjects and needs to take a look at the things he's doing and look at who he's surrounding himself with. I also believe he has a lot of hurt rn and was reacting in a bad way because of it. I think its human to look for possible reasons to situations as big as this because we will probably never know the whole truth. He just has a lot of work cut out for him in the education department.

I think you nailed this.

This is a conflicting topic because on the other hand, it should be openly discussed but then again, we shouldn’t so much focus on this one person and instead focus on the actual situation in its cultural, societal, religious and political perspectives.

But this is very well said and most likely true. And what’s the point of canceling anyone if not showing them they need to change their behavior? That’s the attitude we should have, not harassing him and wanting him to lose everything and die.

If he does better in the future, I’ll forgive him. (But ofc I understand that forgiveness may be more difficult for people who are closer to all this.) And if nothing more happens, I will be watching ST5.

If you or anyone want to discuss more about this, my asks and dms are open 🙂

[afinepricklypear]

November 2024 - Update

Hello.

It’s been a while since I’ve put anything here. When last I was here, I was in a downward spiral, that much is clear. I tried to be reassuring and then I ghosted everyone. Which I know never feels good, whether it’s an IRL person or an online persona you only know through their words on a screen. I’m sorry. I’m alive.

I could say that the aftermath from Covid and the lockdowns hit me just as hard as everyone else and leave it at that, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. Things started down a dark path before that. Politics in my country were getting…weird. Now they’re just outright scary. I needed to make personal life decisions too, regarding career and finances. I hadn’t made any headway in original creative projects. I lacked discipline or motivation or confidence to pursue what had been my dream since the fifth grade: to be a creative writer.

Then right before Covid happened, my friend died. I got a text message from him on Christmas morning, 2019, that he was waiting for surgery. They’d found a tumor in his brain. He was on the other side of the country. I couldn’t go to him. And I couldn’t say good-bye. Especially not through text message. So I didn’t, instead I made sure that he was surrounded by family and friends, and I drank the entire night and overexaggerated how ‘okay’ I was doing, while telling no one close to me what was happening.

A couple weeks later he was gone. He was an amazing person. Beautiful, sweet, and kind. He found good in everyone, he treated everyone like a friend, and everyone that met him loved him because all he gave of himself was love. My Odasaku, if you will. And as if the world knew that it should be mourning his loss, it shut down.

This is about the time I started writing the Release series. I’m always surprised and happy to hear when people say it helped them through things, whether it got them through the pandemic or other struggles in their lives. I guess in retrospect, it was my own therapy. More an escape. A way to run away from everything awful and disappointing about my ‘real’ world. I threw myself into it more than any other fanfiction or fandom I’d been a part of. BSD was the first fandom I wrote for on AO3, before that I used FF.net. AO3 is structured in a way that allowed me to build relationships with readers. I started this Tumblr, trying to form some semblance of a community. I wanted to feel like this was different.

It worked, until it didn’t.

It’s not the first fanfic I’ve left unfinished. If I look at my body of work, over the years and years and years (over 20) I’ve been doing this, the stories came to me when I needed them. All at once, the words and emotions would surge up. I’d find a kindred spirit in the character or characters I wrote about. For months or a year or two, they might sit at the surface of my consciousness, pouring out of me, like an endless fountain. Only to dry up just as suddenly and without much warning. It wasn’t because I didn’t need them anymore. It was because the problems I was using them to run away from would finally catch up.

I’d get restless. I’d convince myself that my life isn’t going where I need it, I’m falling behind, so I’d scramble to catch up, try to rededicate myself towards a finish line, not even knowing where it was, which direction, or what that finish line would even be. I’d try to refocus on original works, because I want to be a writer. The thing they don’t tell you about fanfiction, however, is that it’s junk food for the creative soul. It’s easy and convenient to write for, because the heavy lifting of character creation and world building is already done. The more fanfiction I wrote, the more those vital skills for original story generation atrophied in me. On top of that, there’s a ready-built audience in fandoms, it’s so much easier to get readers and feedback, because people are showing up for the characters they love, not necessarily the writings of a fic’s author. These are characters I didn’t create and these are not my worlds. So, I’d start to think ‘what’s the point’ and would inevitably sink into a deep depression. I’d give up, because the mountain is hard to climb when starting at the bottom. Only for a new fanfiction idea to find me at my lowest, and the cycle would begin anew.

My friend was younger than me by a few years. He had a lot of dreams and passions of his own. He’d survived a stroke prior (and likely precursory) to the tumor and used it as a wake-up call to go back for his graduate degree and travel to new places. Still, those dreams were cut short. I don’t know what regrets he had when he passed but his loss brought forth my own mortality, and I know that my regrets are many. This time, as the story left me, I was determined not to make the same mistakes. I felt certain that I could break the cycle. However, looking back, I don’t know that any of the choices I made were the right ones because I opted to just give up. I made career choices that prioritized finances over personal satisfaction. I shut off all social media. I got medicated.

For the past two years I’ve been on antidepressants and a mood stabilizer (because just the antidepressant was bad, bad, bad). I have a long history of self-harm. I thought I’d gotten past it, but it came back hard, and I realized I never really stopped hurting myself. I finally let someone close to me know (my sister) which has been a mixed bag.

I’ve checked AO3 comments regularly over that time. If you left me feedback there, I saw it. I appreciated it. It made me feel loved and I truly, deeply thank you for it. My lack of response wasn’t because I was tired of the feedback, or that it wasn’t seen, it was because I felt guilty writing the same thing over and over again and having no meaningful updates on my life and my stories to offer. I also checked Tumblr irregularly. I always forget how to use it, so I didn’t really notice the number of questions that had filled my inbox. I found them all recently, thank you for those. I’m sorry I worried so many people. Everyone here is wonderful.

A couple months ago, I got this very sweet comment on Wake Up. Overall, harmless enough sentiments, but it stuck with me for days to weeks to now.

Reading the words “…I would love to read your new works…” hit me hardest. Because I had no new works. I hadn’t written anything since my last update on AO3. For the first time since I was ten years old, I had gone over five months without writing anything creative. I journaled, essentially just bitching about my day, and that’s it. I stopped making art, also. That’s when I stumbled into a realization. It seemed the medication worked in that it worked to numb me. I was more in a fog than anything, a zombie going about the day-to-day. Even at work, my boss expressed concerns that I was different. Quieter and less engaged, and while there are other variables here, like I hated my job and was frustrated with the people I worked with, I could trace most of it back to this one thing.

This comment left on Wake Up made me realize, therein is the trade-off for ‘peace of mind’. I feel less like hurting myself because I feel less, period. In trying to find stable ground, I cut myself off from the source of my stories. Maybe at the time, it made sense, because I was certain I’d never be a writer. That I’d always forsake my original work for what came easier, and that, ultimately, I’d never have anything worthwhile to offer the larger world that couldn’t already be found in existing IP. I wasn’t prepared for that reality to hurt this much.

There’ve been benefits to the two years away, too. It’s given me space to breathe and reflect on what matters. The irony, or cosmic poetry, of this comment appearing on a story titled Wake Up doesn’t escape me. I know this one thing now, it’s certain and stronger in me than ever, I don’t want to give up on being a writer. I have so many original ideas in me, stories I’ve wanted to write for so many decades, and characters I want to give a chance to be loved as much as those characters I’ve written fanfiction for. I have this small, odd little dream that maybe one day the worlds and characters I create will inspire fanfictions of their own.

I stopped the medication a few months ago and been readjusting to emotions, thoughts, the colors of the world that had been gray for two years. I’ve started writing an original story, using a middle ground approach to springboard off by basing the story around characters I created for a fanfiction I wrote roughly a decade ago (First Patrol, if anyone is curious, originally posted to FF.net and one of only two stories on my AO3 account that is not BSD). The characters I’m using are entirely my own except two that have morphed out of the fanfic’s original source material. It’s arguable that the character I wrote for from the fandom source was so underdeveloped in the show (my impetus for writing First Patrol in the first place), that what I created for him in that story was entirely my own to the point that version of him became mine. The world that I’m placing them is my own and is far removed from the world of that fandom. It’s an idea I’ve had sitting in my drive for almost eight years now.

I haven’t thought much about if and where I’d share this story. At the moment, I’m just focused on finishing something original and having fun with it. There’s a loose plot to it, at the moment, that I’m still trying to carve out as I go. I’ve considered posting its chapters in progress here. Maybe you’ll want to read them. Maybe your interest in my writing only goes as far as BSD or some other fandom I’ve been a part of that you found me through. Both are valid feelings. I’m not going to tell you what to think or feel about the shift in my writing direction. I’m not going to ask you to stick around. This is my journey, and you are not obligated to follow me on it. My only ask is that if I do post it here, that you not leave comments to it or about it asking for the fanfiction instead. Writing original work is hard enough without constantly being tempted by an easier and less fulfilling road and being told I was better off there.

There are other parts to my decision here, like the advent of AI Writing Tools and what I see in this technology as an impending set-back to human growth and imagination, and a hack-job to language, culture, and the arts, that I believe can only be opposed through a radical rebellion of creating with only my own humanness and human experiences away from and in spite of AI. My greatest concern is where and how I can share my work without it being stolen by the monster I’m trying to fight against.

As for the fanfictions that I’ve left unfinished. I don’t know if I’ll get back to them. I never like to call something abandoned, because that’s not how it works. First, I don’t abandon the story, in a way, I feel like it abandons me. But that’s not right either, because the story never does leave me. It hovers in the periphery of my mind, every now and then it flits back above the surface. Sometimes I can catch and hold it there long enough to add a few keystrokes to a chapter, then it dives away again.

In Wake Up, as with every fanfic I write, I know where Chuuya was supposed to end up, and Dazai, and the rest. I know the emotional beats that they were meant to experience along the way. I wrote parts of the end of Wake Up. I had the second to last chapter written. The beginning of the last chapter written, and I’ve mentally played through the scenes that were meant to happen countless times. There’s a complete 18th chapter that I’ve never posted. I’ve known of fanfic writers that showed up ten years later to pump out the last half of a story and wrap it up beautifully. I’ve even popped up after eight years to add new chapters to a fic, only to disappear again. I hate to say “it’s done and expect no more updates” because I don’t know what will happen in the future. I just know this is where I am now.

However, I don’t want to leave anyone with false hope either. There is one instance in my mind that I have managed to go back years later and finish an unfinished fic. One among dozens. It’s not impossible, but the chances aren’t high. Do with that what you will.

This is my update, as of November 2024.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Serious question. If John and Yoko had lived in London and he had surrounded her with his old mates and people who only answered to him, if he had isolated her from her family and friends and then persuaded her to give him all her money, drugged her and controlled what she ate, would you still say, well, it’s OK, because she said he was her best friend and we should respect that?

I bet you wouldn’t.

I didn't really say anything about "respect" I don't think, I'm talking about understanding. In that sense, yes, it's respecting someone's perspective. If Yoko had that perspective I think it would be worthy of consideration, even if it would ultimately "not be right".

I do think you're using a worst case scenario assessment of John and Yoko in this suggested role reversal, when, as we've discussed, we don't really know the full facts cause a lot of this comes from Goldman, who very obviously had an axe to grind. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to say Yoko was abusive in this scenario, but I also think it's probably not true that John had zero influence on what was going on in that marriage. He had extreme body dysmorphia before he met Yoko; he got into depressive, self-isolating episodes before he met Yoko. Maybe she exacerbated those issues while thinking she was helping (I believe she followed the macrobioting diet as well and by her own indication she helped John lose the weight he himself was determined to lose). Also, I take issue with your "drugged" wording. Did Yoko forcefeed or secretly drug John? If so, that's news to me (and kind of suspect). Otherwise, a lot of people provided drugs to John Lennon.

TBH, I personally doubt she was a net positive influence on him – I see how I may have come off unwarrantedly defensive of her, but you also have to understand that less than a week ago I was getting anons seriously suggesting Yoko had John killed, plus it is just relatively obvious that some people in this space will do everything to discredit how much this relationship mattered to John. Something can matter to him and be ultimately bad for him! Drugs for instance – but an analysis of John that did not accept that drugs played a big role in his life that he did not on the whole perceive as a bad thing at the time (or at least not with the same understanding we have nowadays) would be a bad analysis of him. (I'm not saying Yoko necessarily = drugs, I'm somewhat adopting the worst faith perspective)

Here's a question for you: do you approach John and Cyn's relationship with this same attitude? John arguably put Cyn through hell and treated her horribly when they divorced. I'm not gonna ennumerate his shortcomings, I'm sure you know them well enough, but are they really not even in the ballpark of what Yoko did? And especially if you apply the same skepticism you seem to have for Yoko to John, as in, assuming the worst allegations are true? (it's even crazier to me, when, a lot of tinhats on this site [and I'm not saying you're one of them anon] seem to basically assume John did not care about Cyn)

Also, to be clear, it's fine if you like John more than Yoko – I get these things are subjective. But if we're talking about accusations that are verging on criminal… idk I want to approach it with tact personally.

[anthromimicry]

okay, but i think it is about time to talk about one of misao's fears is, because i believe that they can tell you a lot about a character and their psyche — and i came to tell y'all that the one i'm going to be talking about today is that misao fears becoming a mother / motherhood. the first reason in which why i believe this is because misao just genuinely thinks that she is not the nurturing type and that she would likely be a terrible parent to her child ( which i know is a very depressing thing to think about. but it is something that she has feared for a long time, unfortunately. ) this likely stems from a mix of misao's inability to deal with her own emotions, though, as she feels like it's better to just bottle them up and deal with them all on her own rather than the alternative. and this would be to try to confide in someone and/or get help from them should she need it. so, misao feels as if her child were to come to her needing emotional support from her, she would absolutely fail at it and the last thing she wants is to emotionally neglect someone the way she had been as a child ( p.s. of course, this was mostly just borne out of unfortunate circumstances, as i've stated before because of kaiyah's illness. though this hasn't stopped misao from feeling the brunt of the impact that it had on her. )

plus... i feel as if misao also doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself whenever it comes to the concept of always being able to put a child first, as she has a pretty negative self-image of herself deep down if i'm being honest. she sees herself as an extremely selfish person who can't even become friends with one person because she is so afraid that someone will hurt her, and in her opinion, that makes her pathetic or weak. so she doesn't feel like she'd be able to take care of a child with the amount of responsibility that is required to in order to raise them properly and protect them at the same time.

though this isn't necessarily true as misao has put up those barriers that would normally let people into her heart mostly due to trauma, and having experienced trauma doesn't make anyone weak. i just feel as if she desperately needs to remedy her self-image because it is very damaging to think of yourself like that and it would be really good for her emotional health if she were to try to ways to better cope with everything that she's experienced throughout her life. there are other reasons as well behind why misao fears motherhood while i'm talking about it, however, and these are arguably one of the more bigger ones: the act of giving birth itself and suddenly being thrust into having to not just take care of yourself, but the baby inside of you as well. which sort of makes sense whenever you connect the dots as to how many horror stories misao has heard about delivering a baby and also how much a person's experience while being pregnant can vary from others. i mean, it has been shown that some people may have more morning sickness than others and that they just don't have a very good experience with being pregnant in general, for example. but other's may be 'glowing' as they say and may find it easier to deal with.

so, you never really know what kind of pregnancy you're going to have until you actually become 'with child' as misao would call it. and the unknown aspect surrounding it scares misao more than anything. plus, as it stands now, she isn't sure whether she'd want to go through the process of giving birth as there can be a lot of complications regarding it. but there can also be so many good things about inviting a new member of the family into your home and misao feels as if it is kind of expected of her to have children so she can continue the kanade line.

but misao is just so afraid of it for these reasons that she can not see herself as a mother, even in her head. however... there is the matter of adoption that she has yet to take into account, but with how focused the jorōgumo are about having biological children, i feel as if misao hasn't even considered it to be an option for those who are afraid of giving birth and also to give a baby / child a loving home as everyone deserves one of those. but yeah. i hope that this gave y'all a little more insight into her character, as misao is scared of re-enacting her past in a way, though i feel as if you become a mother yourself... you have to separate what will be your own experience of parenthood from your parents. so, in order to overcome this fear she has, misao would have to treat it as an entirely different thing from kaiyah's experience as a mother and her own child self's experience of her as a mother.

and this is definitely possible. it would just take some work, as overcoming any kind of fear would. plus, i feel as if misao were to accept other people's help it would also benefit her, since discussing motherhood / plunging into the topic of the sometimes seemingly scary thing that is parenthood is definitely not something that you have to try to go through alone.

[danbisroom]

Ep. 8 - Know my love is all around

Hello my fellow souls,

welcome back to Danbi’s Room, your weekly dose of safe space. Go grab a cup of something warm and get yourself cosy.

I hope you had a nice week and that it wasn’t too stressful…always remember to rest, too.

I was talking to a butterfly this morning and that already made me think a lot. She always says very deep things. Well, I’m also quite the “over-thinker”, so I tend to think almost obsessively about some stuff. Even if, to be honest, I believe that “over-thinker”, is not a nice word. It’s the same as when people say somebody else is “too sensitive”. What does that actually mean? How much is “too” or “over”? The truth is that those are excuses, labels of oppression used to invalidate your feelings by people who are not interested in putting any effort into holding space for you. You’re not “too” or “over”, you’re simply surrounded by people who don’t care about you. It’s true, sometimes it’s because they’re not able to, because they’re hurt or whatever. They aren’t automatically bad people, but at the end of the day they’re still wounding you when all you need is love and ears who listen. And as excrutiating and brutal as this might sound, the only real choice you got is to look somewhere else. No grudges. Well, not necessarily at least. I know I’m talking about this in a rather abstract way, a bit distant from the contingencies of daily life, but it would be difficult to make my point otherwise.

Anyway, many of us tend to look at the negativities first. Why? Traumas and societal conditioning mainly. We aren’t ungrateful, we just have trust issues towards life. Obviously that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work on that (for our own benefit) but sometimes we just need to start by being forgiving with ourselves. We need to be the first person who holds space for our own self, for our feelings, all of them. All of our emotions deserve love and respect, as expressions of our past and hints for our future. They’re all very precious. They’re for us. Like overcoming obstacles is for us. And you know you don’t have to climb the mountain. There isn’t just one way to do things. You can dig a tunnel through it or simply take a longer route and walk around it until you reach the other side. You can and should ask for advice, so that you can consider everything, but eventually it’s up to you. You’re the only one who knows better. Even being grateful serves us, not others: it makes us feel better and it helps in loving our life more. And, finally, nobody is in the position to say your feelings aren’t valid: they’re already valid simply because you’re feeling them and the perception others might have about them has no role other than that of point of view and advice, in case you ask for it. Nobody has the right to come and syndacate on the validity of your emotions.

I know this could come across as extreme and distant from what I’ve always said here on Danbi’s Room, but, as counter-intuitive as it might seem, it’s all actually functional to a loving and nurturing community. Of course in a community everybody helps each other, but that’s something that’s generated spontaneously and organically, learning to know others and making ourselves available when we understand the person in front of us is a soul akin to ours. Receiving is the consequence; the action we actively do, without expectations, is giving.

Give.

Love.

Feel everything deeply.

No accident can prevent you from dreaming, so dream like only a child can do. Dream gently but also strongly. Dream until your breath is taken away, dream like it were a crime. Dream and never stop, this life happens only once and nobody sends you a notice when the sand in the hourglass is running out.

So dream.

Dreams come true to those who truly want them.

Today’s song recommendation is Still With You by Eric Benét. I thought all-ecompassing love would be appropriate.

I hope you enjoyed this episode and that you have a beautiful week ahead of you!

I’ll see you in the next one, big hug!

With love, yours,

Danbi

[bitch-butter]

ok ok ok this isnt like a suggestion or a prompt or anything but like a thought exercise? but anyway--

the five people you meet in heaven, joe liebgott edition. make with this what you will.

this is rough bc truly The Five People You Meet in Heaven was one of my most loathed books I had to read in High School. Which is weird bc objectively I like everything in it and the concept is cool but oof I absolutely hated that book And The Things They Carried (again, should have liked it and Heartily didn't). Also The Great Gatsby, but I grew into really loving that book in my old age lol

BUT this is a good thought experiment, and I'm going to put it in a rivers context bc it's the context I know best. I am of the onion that Lieb d o e s go first (I love that I can Finally acknowledge that Web lives in this verse phew) so Web would Not be one of the Five. The way I'm imagining it is sort of like the book, where some connections are more abstract than others, because it's just true to how life is.

How I see it:

Lieb passes after a long, eventful life. It's peaceful, and it doesn't hurt.

His first level would be his first love, who was a woman named Carmen that he met his first year working for the cab company. She was a year older, was more well-off, and even if they didn't last long and ended badly they learned a lot of those very precious early secrets of life together, including navigating a dynamic that they couldn't necessarily be open about with their families.

The second level I see being someone like Tipper, who saw Lieb at one of the moments where the best of himself was coming through even in a horrible circumstance. Being given friendship, comfort, love in a terrible moment has a profound and lasting effect, and I think being reminded of that is key.

Vonn's wife would be his third. If you've read rivers, Vonn is the old man who runs the barber shop that Lieb comes to work at. My mind palace for him is very detailed, but suffice it to say Vonn's wife died maybe 10 years before Lieb came to the shop, and she had had a lot of concern over how Vonn would manage quality of life, company, and business without her, and she reminds Lieb of the effect he had on ensuring the old man had a place to be, had caring people around him, and felt loved.

In the fourth layer he meets the Young Man from Landsberg who he had interpreted for. Obviously that moment shifted the course of Lieb's life, and throughout the whole rest of it he had thought of that man often, never really knowing what happened to him. He finds that he lived a long, imperfect life filled with the same pain and beauty of every life, and that the fact that he was able to face it at all in spite of the horror he endured was a gift.

The fifth is the Most abstract, and I see it as one of Web's students who Lieb never met. The student was young, questioning, and one day accidentally caught sight of Lieb in Web's office on campus, the easy way that Lieb kissed the top of his head before ruffling his hair. It made the idea of loving the same gender less like an impossibility, made the thought of living authentically and happily, surrounded by others like you, seem somehow attainable.

He's led to Their House, which is their house free of imperfection, in Their City which is also All cities that they've loved together. He waits there, patiently, until one day Web walks through the front door.

[izzy-b-hands]

Ongoing PTSD breakdown trauma stuff below the cut, pls ignore, just need to spew it somewhere that like. I know my feelings will be safe to have and type up and whatever. Also, sorta? mild our flag spoilers under the cut bc my brain is a mess and I use characters I love to help metaphor out and explain my own shit so. yeah. that's also a thing here.

Motherfucking random traumatic memory abt Mum fucking. Randomly hitting me while I'm writing fic (for no apparent reason, no idea what triggered my brain to throw this at me when I WAS NEARLY DONE WITH THE FUCKING FIC NO LESS)

So goddamn rude. I'm off my track on the fic now, so I'm setting it aside for the night (we have Ren Faire today (it literally just hit midnight lol), but after that I want to get back to it) and realising I should really write this memory down.

Like. all of the little details about it, the bits of Mum and I and our relationship surrounding it. Both because my brain does tend to shutter some of those things away and makes them hard to get to without it being stupid lengthy a process involving talking out every feeling I'm having with someone else(unless it pulls some shit like tonight, then suddenly it's no fucking problem throwing it all over the place apparently) and because like

I don't know if I could say this one out loud to anyone, but I think I should. Probably a therapist, but it's one of those stupid trauma things of you just Want Someone, Anyone To Know, Now. To acknowledge it and say if it was as fucked up as it feels (bc I will never deny the possibility that I'm being dramatic and it isn't, and I should just. chill the fuck out about it.)

But every time I start trying to type it out I get hit with this wave of a physical response where my arms and wrists and fingers feel like they're clenching up and I Can't type it. And there's a part of me that doesn't want to because if I can see it in letters on a page, then it's real. It's real and it happened and maybe it was as fucked up as it feels like it was and if that's all true then like. it fits with everything else about our relationship that's already fucked up, from the severe (better than it used to be, but I'm sure it's very clear to y'all that it's still Not Good even though I've moved away from her) co-dependence to the emotional incest (fun fact: that term feels like a gut punch every time I hear it, and I've heard it from my therapist more than a few times now over the past 9ish years of treatment.) So I shouldn't be shocked by that or like, upset, right?

Yet I'm here typing this out to put off typing it up, and I'd bet money I don't necessarily have that I'll wind up putting my laptop away, showering, and going to bed without getting it typed. For better or for worse.

Part of the reason I worry so much abt Frenchie this season (aside from that I love him and he's one of my faves and I want nothing but good and happy for him) is because I also subscribe to his 'shove all the fucked up shit you've seen/experienced in a box in your mind and just. Never open it unless you're putting more in there' method of coping (have all my life, it was so weirdly validating to see it onscreen like that explained so plainly) and like. This is me when the box somehow pops open when I didn't mean it to, and I both want Frenchie to be able to process the things that have happened to him but also don't want to see a character I love so much hurt like this. Because it feels like a big stupid gaping open wound in my chest that I'm being entirely too dramatic about, no matter how valid feeling that way abt it might be.

Kind of hope I can just shut the lid on the box so I can get done and go to sleep after I post this. Should I actually type out the memory and everything? I hate to think that the answer my therapist would have given me, if I could afford to be seeing her rn, would be yes. But the thing is, I have fucking Ren Faire tomorrow in my Izzy cosplay (that Housemate says I look good in, which I'll vainly admit I'm rather happy about, even if it is a very inaccurate and homemade cosplay that's missing certain details I can't yet afford to buy), and I don't want to be dealing with any of this for the rest of the night/into tomorrow. I need to sleep so I can go have some fucking fun, for once. I even feel ok to bring my cane with folded in my bag, just in case I need it, bc that would still be in character if I wind up needing to use it. I can count on one hand the times I've had a fun experience where I also felt safe admitting when my body was hurting and using a physical aid to help it get by; I'm not losing this one.

It's not getting typed out, and I need to duct tape that fucking box shut for now.

[daisys-reality]

Hi! I hope this question isn't too much trouble but I've been meaning to have some insight and advice from someone for this. It's a little long forgive me 🙇🏾‍♀️

I've been working towards shifting and to say the least I'm proud of how far I've come I'm closer then ever, I found out how to shift the easiest least stressful way for me. I've shifted quite a few times but, I never properly got the hang of it. Now the next time I shift I want to stay there long term. But, it's been over 4 months now and I'm not moving.

I've done a reading for myself + gotten a reading + read your pap "why you haven't shifted yet" to sum it up it's all of pile 2 on your pap but, I don't want to do all that. I find healing in shifting and quite frankly I don't want to stay longer and fix what the outside says needs to be fixed I'm just tired and want to go home and heal properly. So is there a way I can avoid this and shift, or quicken the process atleast? Thank you! <3

how can you speed up the process? - the final step in your shifitng journey 🪦🌱🌅

Heyy anon🖤🍀 I think things are coming to an end already faster than ‘normally’ that doesn’t make it less painful though. I can see that the energy surrounding your current situation is full of feelings of betrayal/backstabbing, desperation, bitterness. You might feel like you have reached rock bottom right now and your emotional world might be quite messy… Honestly, you might not want to hear this but I feel like this situation escalated that way because it’s like a learning process to you and helps you serve the necessary ties and release everything that holds you back. You say that you don’t want to ‘fix’ all this but I feel like this is you currently fixing those things so that you can finally arrive at that place you call home. You know… you might think about having to fix the CR issues on the material plane but this is not necessarily meant. It’s all about your mind/inner world. I do think that your refusal to change has made the change that occurred more crushing than it needed to be… From what I can see, you will reach a point where you realize to yourself that you’ve taken on too much and that refusing help just made it unbearably hard. 

You should know that it’s not god nor the universe that doesn’t want you to choose the quick and easy way out… The only thing that has an influence on your life is yourself, your higher self or your bigger consciousness or whatever you’d like to call it. And the thing I know for sure is that you care about yourself. All those experiences you have right now are leading to you being able to fully enjoy and appreciate your new life. Perhaps it’s like the  ‘finding true emotional and spiritual fulfillment after many hard trials’ - trope. 

You say that your shifting experiences are what will help you heal but what makes the experience here any different that the one in your DRs? Are you able to enjoy the happy moments here? Are you sure you will just be able to deal with those things just because you are in a different space? Because I can see that when you skip this mental process here you will still struggle the same or even worse with those issues in your DRs… I don’t want to scare you or increase your fears but I feel like those are things you simply need to think about.  

Taking care of your mind and body, making yourself feel secure and loved is what will help you proceed ‘faster’. Learning to accept happiness and love for yourself and actively making yourself happy here is the advice. You don’t need to fix your environment or life, you need to fix/heal yourself. And this only takes ‘a long time’ if you keep avoiding it. I know you can do it. Do it for yourself, please. You have great courage and kindness. You may not realize how strong and powerful you are, but there’s no problem you can’t solve! The compassion you so freely give to others should also be given to yourself, don’t you think so?

(One a side note, you’re also advised to stay strong in your convictions if the right answer to tell is NO - especially in your CR life rn!)

[dragonofthestone]

Heart Stone

Yes, Timaeus does have a heart and thus a heart beat.

However much like everything else about him even that has its abnormalities, and is one of many other reasons that make his creation- and subsequent survival something of a marvel.

As it is creating Chimera's between cold blooded and warmblooded creatures already creates issues that often end in failure, but beyond that all creatures have varying heart rates and take creatures from two ends of the spectrum can have equally disastrous results.

Now what creatures were used for his chimeric base have been lost along with most other research notes involving his creation, but given overall appearance something reptilian and likely mammalian in nature (although how much things got twisted in change with the inclusion of the Crimson Stone is a whole other thing)

Regardless if listened to one would note that for someone his size, he's a rather irregular heart beat, mild arrhythmia, as well as can change/be affected by the surrounding temperature- much like reptiles.

At rest and relaxed / asleep, his heart rate is notably slower then average person (of his size), and especially so when it gets quite cold- it's unclear how much, or if he can control his heart rate or if it is all an automatic response.

Reverse is also true that during intense activity it can cause it to be come rather rapid- which is a problem due to it awkwardly placed not quite where a hear should be and putting pressure on his chest/lungs. Plus can cause potential over heating if he's not careful.

Now despite the weirdness cause by the stone, he's far from immortal or able to heal from any injury. If Tim takes a serious enough injury to his heart he will definitely die- pretty much. Technically in away he still lives with whatever bit of fragmented stone is in the body but like the body itself won't regenerate and trying to put him in another body would likely result in a Greed situation of creating just a whole new being (that may or may not have some of those memories)

For all intense and purposes he'd be dead let's leave it at that.

However as long as it isn't damaged he won't necessarily die if it's merely stopped beating, because again having even an imperfect stone fused with your body does weird things, so in away you could say it kinda is his true heart I guess- there's a whole argument to be had on whether his physical heart is really the stone or if the stone is his blood/ is just his whole body at this point but no one knows

Scientist likely did attempt to do some kinda of examination to see if they could find where the stone bound itself in his body but resulted in nothing (some think/thought maybe it didn't take at all , wasn't strong enough and is just gone)

Now that doesn't mean he can or would walk permanently around with no heart beat but it'd be very much possible for example;

Tim drowns/drowning someone starts CPR and when he comes to, his heart hasn't actually started beating yet (after a few moments it would start tho)

Granted chances are majority of the time it hasn't actually stopped, it's just dropped and slowed to a point of being near undetectable.

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

In your infinite knowledge of everything and everything, do you know anything about being in a relationship with a narcissist person? Cause I think I may be but sometimes I also feel that I am thinking too much into it

The question you ask is, is their self-centered behavior at the expense of others? Are they exploiting, manipulating, or otherwise harming with ill intent due to their perception of them being more important than others, including you?

There does exist a healthy level of narcissism. As a person, you should think you and your needs are important. You choose who you surround yourself with to flourish you, not hinder you. When someone tries to push their self-image on another for their own personal gain with no regard to the other person's feelings, narcissism becomes harmful.

I'm sure you know, but I do tend to speak highly of myself. Mostly in jest and partially because at one point I only said negative things about myself. I found that it really wasn't helpful for me to be constantly with this negative self-talk, so I just started saying more positive things about myself, whether I believe in them or not. Is it true if I'm "super hot" and "super talented" and "super mentally strong" and "super humble"? Yeah. Maybe. (lol) But saying the opposite doesn't change the outcome of how people view me. Therefore, if I change the way I talk about myself and it helps me, I think I should keep doing it. I'm not trying to make someone feel worse, but I think everyone should see themselves positively and it doesn't make sense to say that if I don't practice it myself.

I think it's bullshit that you have to be overly deprecating to be considered humble or even that you must be humble to be considered "good". Why must someone speak poorly of themselves to be more pleasing to others? Someone speaking highly of themselves does not necessarily mean they are trying to put other people down. More people should see the good in themselves and acknowledge those parts to give themselves strength.

To get back to your original point, although narcissism is not inherently negative, there are negative connotations to it because, like everything, this is a spectrum and the extreme is very noticeble. (This is the case that you will notice them. They will be sure of it.) It's no secret this current world society is hyperfocused on comparison. Sometimes you see someone that has the confidence you want and you feel bad. That's society influencing your thinking. It is when a specific person flexes their confidence directly on you that you start tilting your head and thinking, "uh, wait a second here." Because this an act directed at you, using your insecurity to their benefit.

I said all that stuff about myself previously because there was a time that I didn't understand the difference between 'positive self-talk' and 'being a shitty asshat'. Learning curve, hah. For some people, you just gotta tell them, "Hey, you're acting really full of yourself right now. You're making people feel like shit. Shut up." Takes a couple times but you have to say it. You can't enable it and let it slide. (Maybe say it in a nicer way tho. XD) These people think their behavior is okay if no one objects to it, but that's because they aren't yet self-aware of their behavior and its effects.

With a true narcissist though, they actually believe they are better than you. You cannot change their mind. Some people even go as far as straight up gaslighting you because, in their head, "You're just making a big deal out of nothing. I am better. This is how it is." Their view of themselves is an absolute and you objecting to it is an attack on that belief. Now, I'm not saying that people can't change. Of course, they can, if they want to. But malicious narcissism won't, because they don't see themselves as the problem - you are the problem, and, if you don't fit their narrative, they will remove you from their life.

So, if this person is belitting you for their sake and they know and continue to do it, even when told time and time again, refusing to listen to reason, that's fucked up. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that, personally. I would talk about it with this person. Get to know their reasoning behind their behavior and actions. Some people do have personal work to do and that's okay. It's also okay if you don't want to be around as they're working through that. Everyone is at different stages in life. You can and should choose wisely when it comes to the people around you.

I want you to be healthy and happy. Sorry if that's super narcissistic. But also, not sorry. It's okay to put you first to work towards being your better self overall. I think you should. Tho, all this is just coming from someone who is super hot and super humble. ;)