#not being taken seriously unless i call myself that

[doppelnatur]

.

[therealsophiependragon]

okay but Mai did care. Like Mai gave many, many fucks about stuff. She's not someone who outwardly expresses a ton of emotion, but "I love Zuko more than I fear you" was not a one-off fluke, guys, it was a build-up.

I heard someone say a while ago that Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee are great representations of what women look like under the patriarchy. Azula becomes incredibly competitive and ambitious, the boss lady, pushing herself further than anyone else would have had to in order to get the respect of her father and his court. And she still has to work really hard for it, they constantly like question her and stuff which is very well-displayed in her opening scene. Not saying Azula's a victim guys. Please don't misunderstand me guys. Please don't mangle what I'm saying guys. But I firmly believe that a significant shaping of Azula was from her environment, and part of her environment was the Fire Nation's sexism.

Now Mai keeps her emotions in check and might be what a drunk guy on the street or an ex-boyfriend or a father might call an 'emotionless bitch,' whereas Azula is a 'psychopathic bitch' or a 'crazy bitch' which you know fair but also we're talking about Mai now. Mai grew up in an environment where a shit ton was expected of her and she had to respect the authority figures being her father and mother even though her father quite obviously didn't know things as well as she did. She had to clam up and keep quiet because that's what a lady was supposed to do, but she turned that silence lethal, and it isn't that she's numb or emotionless or doesn't care, she's just safer and taken more seriously if she's silent, and so Mai doesn't talk unless she has something to say.

Ty Lee is over-compensatingly feminine and girly, which is another way women act out under oppression. People think she's a ditz and even Azula underestimates and condescends to her at times, and maybe she acts this way because she genuinely feels like this is who she is, but sometimes when I see Ty Lee, I see myself in social situations. When people make me feel dumb, I automatically feel like I have to lean into that and make myself seem even dumber even if I'm not. I feel the need to giggle and tease and make self-deprecating one-offs about how I'm blonde or how I left my brain at home and all that shit, and I think Ty Lee does this too. Like a fear-response technique. And she acts this way a lot around Azula too which is telling because Azula embraced and sharpened a lot of traditionally masculine dispositions to use as weapons, and Ty Lee sees that.

So Mai and Ty Lee are really just protecting themselves I feel like. Not saying that they aren't being 'their true selves' onscreen or that, unafraid, they'd be completely different people than presented - there's actually evidence against this - but I'm sick of people presenting Mai as some emotionless and uncaring person who gives no fucks because that's not who she is. Istg like

[bvidzsoo]

Forget-me-not

⫿Illegal racer!Mingi⫿

TW: cursing, unprotected sex

Word count: 4,7k

A/N: Well yeah...this is Mingi's fault for posting those freaking pics and my fault for getting inspired at the most random ass times. I know I'm not the greatest smut writer, but don't take my head off for it, thank you. Your feedback is very much appreciated!

⭒Toge racing: 1-1; lead driver <--> chase driver

⭒Sprint: race has more drivers

⭒Dig: refers to all participants toeing a line, aligning the front tire of the vehicles, after which all vehicles race from a stop to a prearranged point

            My car came to a screeching halt as I slammed on the brakes, which were new. I got them changed a week ago, I have fried the old ones off after the toge race I pulled off in the mountains. My jaw was set tightly as I took in a deep breath, long fingers tightening against the leathery wheel.

“What are you doing—”

“Get out.” I snapped; eyes focused on the road ahead. The other female in the car gasped quietly before I heard her huff in annoyance.

“What did you just say?”

“Get out, Jennie.” I snapped more aggressively this time as my head whipped around, shooting dagger at her. She looked incredulous as she didn’t make any moves to get out of my car. I wasn’t having it anymore; I just couldn’t focus with her around.

“Are you seriously kicking me out of your car when we’re one block away?” She hissed, lips pulled into a snarl, making me smirk at her in annoyance.

“Yes, I am.” I told her, leaning back in my seat, “Get. Out.”

She didn’t have much of a choice as I glared her down, Jennie’s fierce eyes staring back just as harshly while she bit her lower lip. It didn’t take long for her eyes to fill with tears, which were faker than the eyelashes she had on, and I just rolled my eyes before she finally undid her seatbelt and grabbed her purse aggressively.

“I can’t believe you!” She screamed as she threw open my car’s door, making me hiss when it cracked open loudly, “You’re seriously throwing me out of your car on a deserted road in the middle of the night?!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have fucked my fiancé a week before our wedding, cousin.” I hissed at Jennie, who was also my cousin, as I revved the engine of my 3gen burgundy Honda Prelude. The car was a gem and I cherished it dearly, taking more care of her than I have ever taken care of myself.

“I told you he was—” Jennie started shrieking as she slammed the car’s door shut, her window having been rolled down, but I quickly pressed the button to roll it up and sped off, not wanting to hear another sound coming from her mouth. It’s not like I dropped her off miles away from the car meet, she was just a block away. She should be thankful I even gave her a ride after everything she made me go through not even four months ago.

I thought Jennie and I were like sisters, always there for each other no matter what the matter was. We could talk about anything and discuss all of our issues. I confided in her when problems arose with my fiancé, and her advice had been the best, it helped our relationship…until it completely shattered. Until she went and slept with San like he wasn’t engaged to me, just a week away from his own wedding. She would’ve been the bridesmaid, but there was no wedding to be held. I called it off the second San drunkenly told me about his infidelity, and I also took all of my stuff and moved out from our shared apartment. Indeed, it was a rash decision, in the spur of the moment as my head was coated with anger, hurt and betrayal, but I couldn’t stand to see his face for even one more second longer.

The small house I rented out wasn’t in the best part of the city and it was far from being luxurious, but it worked for now. It felt cozy and the neighborhood was quiet…unless Song Mingi was out and about, keeping everyone up on the street with his obnoxiously loud Dodge Challenger. The car was a specimen, however, truly rare as it was well kept and had zero flaws. Mingi took great care of it and never failed to show it off. Even if it was in the middle of the night, when people were trying to relax and sleep as he didn’t seem to care. Whether he had just come home from racing or God’s knows from where or he was bringing girls over and showing off…he’d keep the engine running for at least ten minutes before he finally shut it off. Mingi and I had known each other for more than a year now as the both of us go to the same car gatherings and do the same illegal street races, and even better than that, we’ve raced each other countless of times already. There was only one problem with him and that was his obnoxiously large ego. His car was good, he was a skilled racer, and he knew he looked good. So, all three combined made him an insufferable jerk and I couldn’t stand being around him for more than five minutes. Imagine my shock when I moved in across from him, his car being the give away of who my neighbor would be for an undetermined time. And what made it even worse…was his bedroom facing the main road whereas it was my living room facing it, and Mingi seemed to not know the concept and usage of curtains. Whether he didn’t do it purpose, seriously have major doubts about that, or it was on purpose, it seemed to be his habit to strip naked and change in front of his windows. He never gave it away that he knew I could see him, so out of embarrassment, I never brought it up to him. Not that this would ever be something I would talk to him about, I try to stay away from that prick as he gets on my last nerve. But some things were inevitable and I would be lying to myself if I said his body wasn’t perfect from top to bottom.

I rolled down both windows of my car as I turned down the usually deserted road, which was now filled to the brim with cars on both sides, creating a pathway in the middle. People were swarming between the cars, looking at them and talking to each other. Some were even fighting, needing to be separated as I slowly rolled down the pathway, nodding my head at the familiar faces as they sent waves my way. My arm hung through the window as I steered with one hand, headed to my usual spot. People who were regulars in the illegal races had their own spots and were paid fairly better than the newcomers. Which meant it was totally worth it to race…unless the cops caught you, it was game over then. I put my car in reverse as I carefully parked my car, Soonyoung cheering loudly from the side as he watched, gaining more people’s attention. I rolled my eyes at his theatrics. Soonyoung and I have met three years ago, at a race where we both drifted off into the ditches. Unfortunately his car suffered unfixable damage, unlike mine. The Universe must’ve been on my side that day, because I was convinced I was going to die, yet here I was…unmarried and completely miserable as I plastered on the most genuine looking fake smile on my face that I could.

“Hey, buddy!” I greeted him as I got out of the car, knocked breathless when Soonyoung’s best friend raced towards me, colling into my body and lifting me up into a hug as he started twirling me around aggressively. I had to hold onto his body out of fear of scratching my own car and Soonyoung’s purple Subaru BRZ as my legs gripped around Wooyoung’s waist tightly.

“You made it!” He shouted into my ear and I cringed, crying out as he abruptly stopped, giving me whiplash, “Soonyoung said you were coming but seeing the time—I thought you changed your mind.”

“I didn’t,” I breathed out as Wooyoung finally released me, only for Soonyoung to engulf me into a hug; they both knew I hated hugs, yet never stopped tackling me into one, “But my mother made plans for me and forced me into picking Jennie up—”

“That bitch!” Wooyoung called out at the same time as Soonyoung went off saying, “I thought you were past the age where your mother tells you what to do.”

“Yeah, okay,” I shrugged, pushing my hands into the pocket’s of my leather jacket, “I didn’t know until I got there, Soonyoung, and yes, Jennie is a bitch, Wooyoung.”

“She is! Oh, my God, how dare she still face you after everything she’s done?!” Wooyoung seemed to be annoyed all of a sudden as he huffed, making Soonyoung glance at him. His eyebrows were furrowed as he nodded in agreement. They both hated my cousin, rightfully so, and I did too.

“She still blames it all on San—”

“Bullshit!” Soonyoung suddenly exclaimed, his face pulled into a scowl, “Where’s she anyway? I don’t see her in your car.”

“I kicked her out a block away.” I couldn’t help but giggle as I told my two friends the shit I pulled off. In full honesty, I really couldn’t listen to her ramble on about her apparently picture-perfect life anymore. I hated her guts, I really did. After she ruined my life she had the nerve to rub hers in my face? I don’t think so, not anymore at least; I have made myself very clear after the ugly hysterical fit I had at my mother’s. Soonyoung and Wooyoung shouldn’t have cackled as loudly as they had, palms pressing against their mouths as they congratulated me for being a bad bitch. I wasn’t, I was simply triggered and still hurting.

“You’re iconic, love.” Wooyoung said as he reached out and touched a wavy strand of my hair. I wasn’t planning on dressing up tonight, but something pushed me to do. It’s been too long since I have looked put together, I have missed feeling beautiful and desirable, “And you look absolutely amazing.”

“Thank you.” I bowed playfully as Soonyoung grinned, bumping his shoulder against Wooyoung’s.

“Dressed up for a certain someone to see?” He teased with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

“As if!” I exclaimed and rolled my eyes, knowing very well Soonyoung was referring to Mingi. No, that prick deserved none of my attention or effort, “Before you can spew out more nonsense, I’ll head over to Hongjoong and enter my name in the race.”

“Oh!” Wooyoung exclaimed with excitement as I walked out from between my car and Soonyoung’s, “Which one are you entering?”

“Which one should I?” I stopped to think for a moment as a wicked grin crossed Soonyoung’s features.

“Do the two blocks drifting one.” He instructed with a glint in his eyes and I narrowed mine at him, wondering why he had that face while suggesting such a mild race. Wooyoung glanced at our friend for a second before realization crossed his features and he giggled into his palm, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Fine, but I have a feeling I shouldn’t trust the two of you…” I muttered as Soonyoung and Wooyoung high-fived each other and sent a wink my way, turning their backs as they went to join their other friends once I took off.

My strides were long as I was headed towards the front, where the checkered flag was being waved aggressively, the path having gotten narrower as I was forced to push my way through the crowd. People were loud around me as they cheered for the driver of their choice, egging them on to show a better performance, to win. Four cars were lined up at the starting line, about to start a Sprint. Seonghwa, Hongjoong’s right hand and who handled the races in this part of the town, went and checked on every driver before he walked up to the front, standing in between two cars, holding the checkered flag as he raised his hand. People started shouting like crazy as Seonghwa started counting down and then, dropped the flag, the cars shooting off one by one, each fighting to win the race. I recognized one car, Choi Jongho’s, he was a newcomer but he was rising in the ranks rapidly, creating a name for himself on these streets. Hongjoong stood to the side, leaning against a pole as he was counting the money in his hands, smirking at Seonghwa as he approached him once the coast was clear of any speeding cars. I watched the two as I approached them, Seonghwa talking to Hongjoong softly as the shorter one reached out for his waist with one hand, placing something in the taller one’s back pocket with his other hand. I raised my eyebrows at them as I came to a stop in front of Hongjoong, Seonghwa’s mouth closing abruptly as he stopped talking. Apparently I wasn’t allowed to know what their conversation was about.

“Oh, hey.” Hongjoong’s demeanor changed as he greeted me with a friendly smile, “You’re racing tonight?”

“I sure am.” I said with a grin and Seonghwa took out a small notebook, eyebrows furrowed as he searched for a pen.

“Which category?” He asked as he finally found it and watched me expectantly. I was feeling like going for a Dig tonight, but I remembered what Soonyoung had told me.

“Drifts, the two blocks one.” I said casually, making Hongjoong look up. He looked a little bit surprised as he shared a look with Seonghwa, one which I didn’t understand. But Seonghwa just hummed and jotted my name down in the notebook before he looked up.

“The usual sum?” I nodded and handed them two stacks of money as Seonghwa jotted down the amount, Hongjoong taking the stacks from my hand with a hungry glint in his eyes. I lingered for a second as I wanted to ask who I’d be racing against tonight, but I changed my mind and thanked the two instead as I walked back to my car, deciding that I wanted to live dangerously tonight. Not knowing my rival made it more satisfying when I would win, not having made a strategy for myself beforehand as I didn’t know who the person would be and their driving style. My mind and body craved for the little adrenaline racing infused into my bloodstream and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the prize too.

             Of course, I should have known by Soonyoung and Wooyoung’s giggles that they were setting me up. Losing tonight was as possible as winning, really, it would be about who was more skilled and faster. I watched Mingi’s black 2000 Dodge Challenger pull up to the start line, front tires on the line just like mine. The rumble of his car’s engine was already a tell-tale sign of whom I’d be racing tonight, and I couldn’t help but curse as I saw Wooyoung and Soonyoung high-five each other on the sidelines before showing me a thumbs-up. I could only scowl at them as Seonghwa walked around, gathering money as people made bets on who would win this time. Mingi’s window was rolled down and I saw movement from my peripheral so I looked over lazily, raising an eyebrow at him as he waved his ring clad fingers at me in a mocking way. I rolled my eyes and rolled down my own window, Mingi’s mouth already opening to speak up.

“Evening, doll.” He called over the loud crowd and rumble of our cars engines, “Fancy losing tonight?”

“Don’t get too cocky now, Mingi.” I plastered on a fake smile, “I might smoke you out.”

“I have to admit your ass is pretty fine—” He paused for a dramatic effect as my jaw clenched, knowing well he meant it both ways; car’s and my ass, “but I don’t plan on looking at it for too long tonight.”

I chuckled and pushed my wavy hair behind my shoulders as I leaned over the middle console, my low-cut top not leaving much to imagination, “I would hate to kick you off your high-horse, sweetheart, but your Dodge got nothing compared to my Honda.”

“I thought I have showed you my skills countless times, doll.” The way Mingi caught his lower lip between his teeth shouldn’t have made my stomach flip, but I couldn’t help it as my eyes remained fixed on them. Then, Mingi suddenly smirked as if he could see even from the distance where my eyes were fixated and he lowered his sunglasses slightly, leaning over his open window, “You seem to have forgotten, let me remind you tonight.”

My skin got covered in goosebumps at the offer in his tone, knowing damn well what he was talking about. And it wasn’t about racing anymore. But I wouldn’t let him know how quickly his words could make my body react, therefore, I just leaned back in my seat and started revving the engine of my burgundy car, smirking at Mingi as a displeased look crossed his face. I rolled up my window as he started revving his, Seonghwa having made it between our cars with a flag in his hands. He grinned at Mingi before looking at me, earning a firm nod from me. I decided to take a peek at Mingi swiftly, wondering how he could still see and drive while wearing sunglasses at night, but I quickly pushed all thoughts away as Seonghwa’s hands raised. I gripped the steering wheel tightly with my left hand as my right went to grip the gear stick, eyes set on the road ahead. My left foot was on the shift pedal and the second Seonghwa released the flag, I kicked into action as I shifted into first gear and shoot off, leaving Mingi in a dust behind as I worked my way up through the gears, focusing on the road only, familiar with Mingi’s driving. Beating him tonight would be a piece of cake.

            The windows were fogged up and the leather was scrapping against my knees painfully as I panted, eyebrows scrunched together as I tried to find the perfect rhythm. Mingi’s calloused hands were gripping my waist but he wasn’t doing anything, he was just watching me with an open mouth, leaning forward to press his reddened lips against my flushed skin in no time. He would grunt from time to time as my hips moved up and down, his dick deep inside, hitting every sensitive nerve I had as his tongue licked against my collarbone before I felt him sucking. The small top I was wearing was of no-good use as Mingi’s right hand came up to grope my left breast and I whined as my thighs were starting to strain. It wasn’t a surprise that I have ended up in Mingi’s car not long after our race, which he had won this time, panting and on top of him, desperate for my own release as Mingi didn’t do anything, as he tortured me longer than it was necessary. Mingi’s lips trailed upwards, kissing and biting the skin of my neck before he kissed behind my ear, making me whine as I fastened my pace. A low groan left Mingi’s lips as his nose pressed against the skin of my neck, his hot breath hitting my skin uneven.

“Fuck, I can’t take this any longer.” I panted out, hands tangling into Mingi’s black hair as he slightly pulled back to look up at me. His pupils were blown and his eyes were hazed over with lust, yet he still managed to smirk as his hands went around my naked waist and grabbed my bare ass, helping me out as I moaned loudly, going faster with Mingi’s help. My walls clenched down around him and in response Mingi cursed quietly, biting my neck as his fingers dug into the flesh of my ass, soon enough his body leaning back into the leather cushion of his passenger seat. My arms went to hold onto the headrest of it, whimpers getting louder as my lower region burned, desperate for a release after so much teasing and edging from Mingi. His grunts were constant as I gyrated my hips more frequently, my lower lip in between my teeth as suddenly Mingi hit the sweet spot, making me stutter out a gasp as my walls clenched down around him.

“Fuck.” He cursed in a low rasp, hands releasing me as his hands raised behind his head, eyes shut close for a second, “Fuck, tell me I’m better. He could never fuck you like this, doll.”

My eyebrows furrowed as I went down on his dick again, but missed the angle I have previously found. My brain was in a haze, and I didn’t want his words to register as I continued chasing for an orgasm, but Mingi just wouldn’t shut up, “San could never make you feel this good.”

My body stiffened and muscles contracted as I was snapped out of whatever euphoria I was feeling at the moment, face contorted into disgust as I threw a glare at Mingi, “Why the fuck would you bring up my ex-fiancé during sex, Mingi?!”

Mingi gulped as he opened his eyes, forehead covered in a sheer coat of sweat, “Why? Are you not over him yet?”

I hated the arrogance dripping from his voice, the way he was looking at me, with such superiority, as if he was better, “It’s been four months, only. Would you be over the person you’ve loved for six fucking years and were meant to get married to?”

“I certainly wouldn’t start mopping about it during sex with another man—”

“You brought him up, he wasn’t even in my mind.” I snapped as we remained unmoving, Mingi’s hands latching onto mine against the headrest as he squeezed them.

“He better not be while I have my dick inside you, doll.” Mingi rasped and I scoffed, leaning closer to him, our lips almost touching.

“You sound an awful lot like you’re jealous, sweetheart.” I whispered against his lips before I licked his lips, Mingi’s eyes darkening for a second as he shifted underneath me. He only moved slightly, but the burning and yearning was back as my eyebrows furrowed, “You talk too much. Shut up and fuck me brainless, Mingi.”

“Gladly, doll.” Mingi whispered as he suddenly thrusted upwards, making me yelp in surprise as he suddenly started moving. He wasted no time as he moved fast and sharply, slamming back in before I could even meet his thrusts. My head fell back as I braced myself against his shoulder and neck, mouth open as whimpers kept falling and falling. Mingi’s length reached places nobody’s had before and with his precise and sharp thrusts my thoughts were slowly becoming incoherent again. His face was contorted into pleasure as his eyebrows pulled together, a moan slipping out every now and then as his left hand pushed against the roof of his car as his right hand came down to grab my hips and maneuver them to his liking. The fire was quickly building up in my stomach now with his continuous thrusts and it was starting to get harder and harder to focus on anything else but on chasing my own release. Mingi suddenly leaned up and circled his left arm around my torso as he flushed our bodies together, pivoting his hips up at a relentless pace, making me keen against his ear as my fingers tangled into his hair tightly. Mingi moaned loudly and fucked me harder as I moved messily against him, toes curling from the feeling.

“Fuck, Mingi—” My voice broke off into a loud moan as he finally found my sweet spot again, walls clenching down on him tightly. Mingi gasped and pressed his tall nose against my collarbone as he hit the spot again and again, his moans strained as I screwed my eyes shut, moving my hips in time with his, my hand coming down between us to rub circles against my clit.

“Doll—” Mingi groaned as my muscles tightened, so close to releasing finally as I threw my head back, Mingi’s name falling off my lips in whispers and broken moans. I could feel Mingi twitching inside me constantly and I knew he was close too as his breathing got even more uneven and arms tensed against my body as he leaned back, suddenly holding my jaw, making my eyes snap open, “Look me in the eyes.”

And so I did as I rubbed against my clit faster, Mingi’s thrusts wilder as his hand slipped from my jaw to my neck, putting the right amount of pressure against it. My lips fell open and in a few more desperate thrusts, I was coming undone against Mingi as my body tensed up and spasmed in his arms, moans spilling from my lips until I couldn’t breathe anymore, Mingi’s long fingers cutting off my air. My body shook as euphoria washed over every sense in my body, skin on fire and stomach coiling as I came down crashing hard, ears ringing before I could finally breathe, sputtering nonsense against Mingi’s lips as I fell forward, pressing my lips against his messily. He still hasn’t released yet and as my body went mush in his arms, he continued fucking up into me, head falling back as his moans grew loud. My lips sucked against the sensitive skin of his neck as my body ached from being used too much, but I knew he was close and I wanted him to fill me up.

“Mingi—” I moaned out in pain as my walls felt abused by Mingi’s relentless and messy pace, but when we made eye contact he knew what I was asking of him. His face contorted into pleasure once again and he bit his lower lip and whined as I clenched my walls around his dick, his hands coming to hold onto the headrest as his hips stuttered, stomach stiff as he came too, spilling inside me his warm seed. My stomach twisted at the feeling and I watched Mingi as he panted loudly, pressing his head into the headrest harshly. My right hand cupped his jaw and he lazily blinked his eyes open, watching me with clear eyes. A small smirk crossed his lips as he grabbed me by the nape and pulled me down, our lips meeting for a kiss as we both opened up, tongues meeting in a hot frenzy. I could feel my face heat up as Mingi’s tongue explored my mouth, slowly and sensually, making my skin tingle again as I pressed closer against him, kissing back with the same fervor as he was. He still hadn’t pulled out and I could finally feel the strain in my thighs as everything caught up with me at once, the yearning of my body. I could never get enough of Mingi, but I never allowed myself to think too hard about it. Mingi licked into my mouth with finality, sucking on my tongue before pulling away, a small string of saliva snapping as he went and sucked on my lower lip, making me push him away when he bit down on the soft flesh harshly. He seemed pleased with himself as he trailed his hands down the sides of my body, gripping my hips steadily.

“Wanna go for another race?” He asked seriously and I looked at him with an incredulous look.

“To lose more money that would go to you?” I asked with a scoff, making Mingi smirk as he lightly squeezed my hips.

“So, you do admit I would win again?”

“Don’t think you’re too special,” I rolled my eyes as Mingi smirked, “I’m just too spent after our little session…”

“Poor you,” Mingi mocked and pursed his lips, “Here I was, feeling like going for a second round…”

“I can’t feel my thighs anymore, forget it.” I snapped and made to finally get off him, but Mingi didn’t let me as he smiled, batting his eyelashes at me like he wanted something.

“And if we go home?” He asked airily, jutting his lower lip out, “Will you let me fuck you into the mattress?”

My jaw almost fell open, but I managed to stop myself as I tsked, smirking at him, “Can’t get enough of me?”

Mingi smirked and slightly raised me up by the waist, making me gasp at the friction, “Apparently I can’t.”

I chuckled as Mingi leaned up to peck my lips before lifting me off himself, an unfamiliar glint in his eyes which told me the rumble of our cars engines wouldn’t be the only thing keeping up our neighbors tonight.

Masterlist (divider)

[littlelambscandyland]

Let Her Be

CG!House x Little!Autistic!Fem!Reader

Notes- Made the gal autistic because I am and couldn't stop myself from writing this, leave me alone, lol. That being said I just got my laptop working again, so I'll be working on requests again soon!

Warnings- Skin Picking (around the nails), Arguing (Cuddy and House), Hyperventilating, Panic Attacks, Non-violent biting (mentioned),

(Fun Fact the word count is 2,012 which is the same year the show ended)

It'd been 20 minutes. 20 damn minutes and no one even knew what this conversation was even about anymore. Cuddy had come to talk to House about yet another one of the man's many neglected duties. Normally it’d be a quick in and out where he’d complain, moan, and insult but eventually do, somewhat, what she asked. However, when Cuddy entered his office she noticed one of their interns off to the side. You.

You had been hired a few months back. A part-time intern for the psychiatric department. Cuddy was initially hesitant to hire you on because of your own mental disorders. You were autistic, quite ironic that you went into psychiatry. Despite her initial fear you were proven very useful and hardworking. Sometimes she felt herself feeling bad for ever thinking so wrongly of you, thinking how she played into the stigmas wrongly, but other times she feels glad she pushed those aside to hire you on.

Then again, maybe it was a mistake. Not because of you, mostly. You experienced age regression in high stress situations or for reasons Cuddy wasn’t quite aware of, and House had taken some special interest in you. He made excuses for you to work more with his team. Eventually Cuddy gave in letting you help with their cases by, essentially, being the patients temporary therapists. She gave you a raise and promoted you from intern, though most people still thought of you that way as Cuddy basically made up a position for you, just to shut House up.

The problems only really came when Cuddy noticed House having you around, almost, all the time. Noticing that unless he sent you away you were glued to his side. She also noted that you seemed more childish whenever he was around. Eventually, she realized you were regressed during these times. Of course, by realizing it was actually Wilson telling her after ranting to him about her confusion.

Now the actual problem wasn’t all of this. No. The problem was with House keeping you around all the time you weren’t able to do your actual job. You seriously couldn’t do it while in the mindscape of a five year old. It was ridiculous, so with feeling like there was nothing else to do she changed your job again. This time she made you House’s personal intern. Your new job entitles keeping him on track and mentally stable. Tieing in his need for you to be around and your degree in psychology.

Back to the present. It’s the first time Cuddy had to come and remind House of his job. The man had even been doing his clinic hours with a little less complaints. Today, though, House hadn’t been out of his office all day. According to Forman, House quickly dismissed them of any and all cases, and you’d done nothing about it.

So, here Cuddy was trying to talk to two incredibly distracted people. You wrapped up in a chair at a desk House had added just for you, and House sat opposite from Cuddy. He sparred more looks toward you than at Cuddy. Despite the “serious” talk, House just couldn’t ignore you. Sending funny faces or glances when you weren’t looking. If anyone knew any better they’d say House’s eyes were filled with adoration more than fascination.

And if anyone knew any better they’d realize they were right.

House had no idea when or why you became so important. He remembers meeting you, how kind you were. He remembers how he’d made a rude comment and you immediately shot back. He remembers how he called you out only for you to do the same to him. House remembers how you took everything he threw at you in stride. How you were so sweet and funny. How you willingly showed yourself with little doubt. He saw how sweet you were. How smart you were. How honest you were.

It was just you. Everything about you. He felt protective and calm with you. House felt like he didn’t have to mask himself around you. You openly answered anything he asked you and you told the truth. He knew from the moment he saw you that you were an age regressor. House knew that you wouldn’t hide that part of yourself from him as long as he asked, so he did. House confronted you the way he does everyone, bluntly. You answered him with slight embarrassment, but openly you answered with kindness towards his curiosity. 

Ever since he confronted you on it you’ve been completely responsive to every push he’s given. House can’t explain why but when you willingly started regressing around him he’d gotten so happy that he couldn’t help but coddle you. Even he found it odd how you became so special. A simple fascination turned to admiration. He saw you as a new extension of himself. Not because of how physically young you were to him, but because of how mentally young you could be. Even out of regression you had a positive childish view on things, and House was begging to protect that. He knows how rare a girl like you is. He felt even more proud when you asked him to be your caretaker when you regress. He felt even more proud than that when Cuddy transferred you to a new position as his “personal intern”. He liked spending his days with you. He liked how you needed him.

Now he sat looking at you. Eyes filled with boredom that changes to love whenever he looks towards you. You sat at a colorful deskright across from him. Eyes interchanging between a screen, Dr.Cuddy, and House. Sweet distractions and an inability to hear whatever the two of you are being told. Thick irritation unable to crush your five year old wonder.

You remember asking House if he was alright with having you around so often. You knew how it could be being stuck with someone unwillingly. You remember him telling you to shut up and if he didn’t want you around you’d be gone by now. You remember making him smile genuinely, not a sarcastic cocky one. You remember him questioning everything about you like an intense interview. You remember the smile that he tried to hide in pride when you asked him to be your caretaker.

You moved as gracefully as you could with the new changes thrown at you. You acted with stability and a mask that could be unbreakable. Yet. Anytime you were with House, alone, you dropped the mask and he did too. Two people completely real with who they’re supposed to be, if only for a short time. He saw you in a way most people didn’t. He didn’t doubt you because of your disorder. House became, so quickly, such an important part of your life. Platonically, you loved him and he loved you. Neither of you would admit it, but even when you weren’t regressed you saw him as a father figure. Someone who is actually there, who actually cares about you.

So, here you sat at your desk. The mindset of a child as you did your best to do your damn job. Cuddy scolding you and House simultaneously. Her words work too quickly in a tone you didn’t enjoy so you took in kind the silly looks and glances from House. You “worked” on the small computer in front of you. An open document with random words or phrases you’ve typed out being the only “work” related thing open. All your tabs have games or silly videos on them. Despite your current age you did try to listen to Cuddy, it was just so hard.

Cuddy stopped her rant midway through a sentence. A look of annoyance played in her eyes. She looks over to House who is once again making faces at you, and she looks at you trying your best to suppress your giggles.

“Will you pay attention, damnit.” Cuddy exclaims in frustration.

The sudden exclamation made you stiffen. You immediately shot your eyes to your lap, afraid Cuddy would turn her glare to you.

“Hey!” House shouts out just as quickly. “Watch your tone in front of the kid.” He says with a bit of a tease.

Cuddy bit at her words for a moment. Gapping for only a few seconds while looking between you and House. Finding her words she finally speaks again. “She shouldn’t be a child right now!”

“Well, maybe we should be more accommodating.” House argues, playfully.

“House this is serious. I won't have a reason to keep her working here if she isn’t actually working.” Cuddy replies.

“She is working.” He shakes his head. “She keeps me on track.” He says matter-of-a-factly.

Cuddy narrows her eyes at him. “Not today she isn’t. Today she is the biggest distraction you’ve ever seemed to have. Today you haven’t even taken on a new case!”

Their conversation continues. A bickering background as your mind takes in the overall statement “I’m a burden”. Of course, that wasn’t what Cuddy was trying to say. That doesn't mean that wasn’t the message coming across to you.

Your hands shook as you started to pick at the skin around your nails. Your eyes blurred, not with tears, but because of your ragged breaths. You picked and tore at the flesh. The red didn’t really bother you as you continued to rip at your fingers.

Suddenly House was moving across his office.

“What are you doing?” Cuddy questions before her eyes land on you.

“Will you shut up for like five minutes?” House answers with a voice filled with indignation.

House is near you in seconds. He takes your shaking hands in his and holds them tightly. He tries to guide you. Keyword tries.

“Alright well this isn’t working.” He says to no one in particular.

He pulls you out of your chair and to the couch, sits you in between his legs, and wraps his arms around you. He holds you tightly and says something to Cuddy you can’t quite hear between your own heart beats. Something about not telling anyone something, something.

“Tell me what you need.” He commands.

You shake your head feverishly. You’re pulling his arms more and pushing your back against him.

“Alright, alright.” He says.

One hand goes to your head and his other goes to your legs. He repositions you until your face is shoved into his shoulder. A few more minutes of pushing and pulling, and a bit of biting from your side. Finally you're calm enough for him to get an answer from you.

“What happened?” He asks bluntly.

“burden…” You say, your voice lowly.

“You're not a burden..” House replies quickly.

“That’s what this was about?” Cuddy asked dumbfounded.

He rolls his eyes. “You’re still here?” House asks.

She huffs at him before beginning to walk out.

“Next time watch your mouth in front of the kid!” He calls out to her.

House turns his attention back to you. Your mouth latched onto the collar of his coat and you were lightly chewing on it. 

“What’re you a gerbil? Get that out of your mouth.” He says taking his collar from you. “You know how many germs may be on this thing?” He teases.

“sorry…” You whisper.

He snorts. “No you’re not.”

His response pulls a small giggle from you.

“Hey,” He nudges you. “You’re not a burden. You hear me?” House looks into your eyes.

You nod your head.

“Good. Because if that was your takeaway of the conversation we need to teach you more on reading a room.” He tells you condescendingly. “Because I,” He emphasizes. “Don’t think of you as anything other than my kid.”

The way your eyes lit up at his words made House’s heart swell. If humans were actually made of stardust, House could’ve sworn all of your stardust was in your eyes. A moment of peace after what felt so intense.

Thankfully House didn’t see Wilson standing outside his office watching as, what he called, “House makes progress”.

[devisopod]

Book of Bill Ramblings

If you don't want spoilers, I'd suggest you stop reading before the cut. This'll contain quotes from the book! I've avoided content and conversation about this thing like the plague, so I'm going in blind. This is gonna be a wall of text if you're on mobile. Have fun, if you're into that.

I'm gonna solve the ciphers by myself, so they won't be included here, it's more fun that way! This is all just my "analysis" or whatever you wanna call it.

|| PREFACE

I am an adult. I'm not here to argue or debate with anyone about the content of this book! I'm simply sharing my personal breakdown, so these opinions and statements are in no way meant to be taken as "the right way" to look at it. They're how I alone choose to view the text! I'm open to discuss it, if you want, like sane and civilized people. Heated arguments or grumblings fueled by the discontent that someone doesn't buy into the way YOU'RE perceiving a work of fiction is unwelcome.

Now.

Before I even had the book in my hand, I knew how I wanted to approach this. I had to keep in mind this is all meant to be written by the worst character in the series (from a narrative standpoint), and he isn't supposed to be pitied. So seriously obvious, I know, but it's THE most important factor to circle back to given ANY tidbit of information.

Since this is his point-of-view, which is such a skewed perspective to begin with, it's ultimately bound to be manic (and god was it). He's everything we already know him to be: out of his mind, a compulsive liar, a pro at manipulation, and literally so self-important. That's what makes it difficult to trust whether or not things that happened (or didn't happen) will be altered by his unstable state of mind.

I think I'd even go as far as to say that he's delusional in a lot of ways. No matter how smart he thinks he is, or objectively is, he's a highly flawed individual that is constantly sabotaging himself. And what's more, he doesn't CARE. Bill, while driven in his own right, is highly apathetic unless events or actions directly impact him significantly and negatively.

INITIAL AND UNCATEGORIZED THOUGHTS:

- Holy shit, it's like Bill prides himself on being some sort of "all-knowing" being, but he's really just a fat gossip.

- Bill says it and stresses it multiple times in this book that not only is reality not under your control, but you don't understand it. Only he understands it, and you're just too dumb. Nothing is real. But the universe is a hologram, and everything is also a multiverse. Dennis and Kyle hold our existence in a binder.

- As suggested, he is quite literally feeding you lies, and he's having fun doing it.

- So, Bill's kind of dead, but not really. He's existing in a "half life" state. "Descending through circles, battling demons, reliving [his] whole life... somewhere far away... where the music is always out of tune. Where everyone smiles but no one is happy". Sounds like a mall lmao.

Okay, we'll get into it. My back hurts.

1 || "SIXER, IT WOULD EAT YOU ALIVE."

Let me just start this by saying that Bill sees Ford as a possession. He spent a lot of time grooming him, so he feels HEAVILY entitled to Ford in an "I made you" sort of way. Which is just about as messed up as you'd expect it to be! Bill EXPECTS Ford to be okay with this and even functions under the assumption that Ford wants to belong to him, which is very likely a stem from how open to the relationship Ford was at the beginning. He's constant in sharing that he's grateful for Bill's influence and that it's made his life so much better.

That aside, Bill is repeatedly suggesting to the reader that people that hate him actually love him a lot. And it's so likely that some twisted line of love and being used was blurred between these two. I've said it before and I'll say it again: sharing a mind and a body with a seemingly god-like being is going to fuck you and your perspective UP, I don't care who you are.

After all, "the more people love you, the more brainwashed sheep you can bend to your whims! So CONQUERING HEARTS is one of the most important things you can do!"

While, Ford is an immensely strong-willed individual, he's so very weak to Bill's manipulation because Bill knows EXACTLY what he wants to hear. He's been learning and planning for this kind of thing for a very, very long time and using countless others to do so. So, his false loyalty and promises, though really suspicious to anyone else, appeal to Ford's ego and subconcious because they're specifically catered to him.

And this is where Bill thrives. He is extremely efficient at finding the selfishness within others and exploiting it because he is selfish. He doesn't care what happens as long as he reaches his goal. Any pain along the way isn't gonna be his, so why not just relax and enjoy it? And he's found his match: a "brilliant, morally ambiguous, and romantically challenged" individual. To him, Ford fits the bill (no pun intended), and no dumb Shaman is gonna scare him off this one. It's all a trick to keep him away from advancing his portal plans, right?

He emphasizes his excitement at the prospect of Ford's potential as a pawn by saying, "This is what a partner looks like. The ego of a king. The insecurity of a circus freak. And totally isolated from anyone who might steer him clear of my plans."

He's impressionable and gullible enough to follow him blindly in the name of discovery and arguably as a result of his alienation in the odd town that is Gravity Falls.

And that's where I think Bill's influence should be addressed. Bill's been whispering in Ford's ear, making his life easier, and "fixing" his problems by offering solutions that HE would use. That's the scary part, I think. Bill uses so many different types of flattery, even gives Ford a lot of confidence that he needs, which really feeds into Ford's trust.

2 || GUYS WITH BIG BRAINS GET ON MY NERVES

After seeing Stan on TV, selling the "Grifter", Ford starts to seem like he's having second thoughts about maybe calling Stan up. Bill is, naturally, quick to shoot this down by convincing him it's a waste of time.

With both Stan and Fiddleford, we see Bill kind of steering Ford away. It's clear Ford wants to be around both of them, but as Bill has already suggested, he wants to keep this one isolated. Ford's attention should ONLY be on him and the work that needs to be done. He's not gonna make the same mistakes he made with his previous puppets.

It's unclear whether Bill complicates things on purpose or not, but he certainly isn't interested in making them better.

As far as the relationship between Ford and Fiddleford is concerned (whether you view it as brotherly, romantic, or platonic), I think it had a lot of potential to bring Ford away from Bill, but Ford is just not equipped to be a solid and reliable partner at this stage of his life. He's too focused, too full of himself, and really desperate to fill the hole Stan left. Or maybe not desperate enough.

I've made this point before and I'll make it again: the vast majority, if not all of, the heavy lifting in the dynamic between Ford and Fiddleford IS DONE BY FIDDLEFORD. He is a very caring and loyal person, very much to a fault in this situation.

The Christmas gifts he makes Ford are very personal. Ford means a lot to Fiddleford, so much so that he doesn't see his family often and chooses to help with the research. Whether or not Fiddleford and Emma-May were already having issues can't be judged based on the information given, but it's possible that it plays a part in his absence. It seems like the most likely possibility to me, though. Fiddleford doesn't seem the type to just forget about something like that, especially exhibiting such a friendly and kind demeanor, so I'm willing to bet they were already having problems.

Ford, as I see it, very rarely goes out of his way to do things for Fiddleford, though. However, I will give him props for being good enough to cheer Fiddleford up after he returns from his family.

What I will say, is that Ford relies on Fiddleford a great deal, and I'm not entirely sure how healthy that is. Fiddleford is Ford's ONLY real friend, and definitely the only one not feeding him questionable advice.

Therapy.

3 || CUCKOO CLOCK

Therapy, right? Yeah.

Anyway, Bill REALLY gets after Ford when the whole portal thing goes south. And that's sure to be a hell of a time. Ford is put through immense pain physically and mentally during it all, and wow does it actually sound horrifying. Even during this aggressive and desperate scramble to get Ford to do his bidding, Bill is beating Ford down and trying his best to use his hardships against him while also trying to convince Ford that he needs Bill. He's got nobody else.

He tries everything: sabotage, threats, you name it. Even though Ford doesn't realize his wrongs entirely here, he still knows he has to do something to rectify all that he's done. And boy, does he wanna kill that triangle.

He even loses his mind just a little bit more about this time, grasping at straws and realizing how bad he fucked up.

But now, we skip ahead. Things are better. All that's passed.

The ending of this book was about as satisfying as I imagined it would be. The Pines family. Simple and clean. A thoughtful message from Ford, and some inserts from Mabel, Dipper, and Stan. Stan's message is probably my favorite, and rightfully so.

These four are what it's all about to me. Each sibling has the other, and they're all happy. Bill can't touch them anymore, no matter how much this book of his tries. They're smarter than he is, and it's because they don't intend to be divided by him ever again.

[barsformars]

Disrespect

//

g - angst

p - wooyoung x f!reader

w.c - 1.1k

t.w - mentions of insecurities regarding looks and body

c - wooyoung is mad at you for starting rumours and you’re pissed at his insensitivity

a.n - have not written an angst piece in a very long time, idk if anyone is interested to read this tbh but it comforted me a little to write this because something similar happened to me quite a while back so 🥴 also disclaimer, this is completely fictional im not saying wooyoung is an asshole irl

//

“i don’t ever want to see you again” doesn’t really work when you’re working together and have to see each other literally the next day. not only is it painfully obvious and awkward to your coworkers. it’s also incredibly exhausting switching from being mad at him to seriously missing the good times with him every half an hour or so.

it took one more glare sent towards wooyoung’s direction for san to finally decide to come talk to you. “you wanna talk to me about it?” he asked softly as he sat himself beside you.

you furrowed your eyebrows at san, wondering if he was serious about it, especially considering the cause of the whole fight. “what, and have you report everything back to your best friend? no thanks.”

“my lips are sealed,” san tried to reassure, slightly taken aback by your attitude. he has never once betrayed anyone’s trust, unless they were doing something illegal but that’s a story for another day.

that phrase meant nothing to you but empty promises to you now. your only fault was telling your fellow backup dancers that you felt uncomfortable with how close wooyoung was being with a certain girl group member, and now he was blaming you for calling him a womaniser and a cheater because rumours had spread. and instead of apologising for causing your trust in him to waver, wooyoung was more concerned about his reputation.

“i’ll respect your wishes if you don’t want to talk about it, but i strongly encourage for the both of you to talk it out,” san advised, “the atmosphere is kind of heavy because of the two of you.”

san got up and walked away, revealing wooyoung who was staring at you from the mirror as the stylist fixed his hair.

“have you been crying?” was the first thing that came out from his mouth after the both of you excused yourselves to a more private space. you swear you could have punched him right there and then.

surely it was obvious that you had been bawling all night with how swollen your eyes were, and the sunken eye bags that formed overnight – an observation wooyoung had made when you had cried to sleep in his arms a long time ago.

“which answer will hurt you more?” you spat, provoking your boyfriend.

“drop your glare, you’re being rude.”

“rude? you know what’s rude? not respecting my boundaries, then proceeding to invalidate my feelings,” you replied as you balled your hands into tight fists.

the following were wooyoung’s claims: he did not pat her head or rest his hand on her lower back and that you were delusional and lying because you’re insecure that you’re not as attractive, face or body wise, as compared to girl idols.

“and you did not respect my career, your words have spread and if the media catches wind of this i could be ruined!” wooyoung rebutted, his voice louder than before.

“again, like i said, all i wanted was to tell somebody that i was uncomfortable with it! i never meant to say that you were a cheater, nor did i want to spread it to the whole world.”

“what you intended to do doesn’t matter, that’s how the media industry is! and you could have told me directly how you felt-“

“so you can tell me i was overthinking and extra sensitive?” you were now face to face with the man, extremely agitated.

wooyoung backed away from you with a few steps and audibly sighed. he turned his head to the side in an attempt to calm down, biting down on his lower lip.

“look, i don’t know how else to explain myself other than saying that i did not do whatever you said i did. regardless, i’m sorry you felt that way and i apologise.” wooyoung decided to be the one to back down first, his arms opening up as an invitation for the both of you to hug it out.

you don’t accept it, also taking steps away from him while shaking your head in dismay. you were not going to let him get away so easily with this, not after he utterly shattered your heart. what wooyoung did, misunderstanding or not, was not what hurt you the most, but how he reacted when he heard about it.

wooyoung had always reassured you that you were the most beautiful in his eyes, that no one else could compare to you. you were not stupid enough to think it was an objective statement, you have seen enough idols to know that even the ones that aren’t photogenic are on another level. but he has now turned this insecurity of yours into a weapon to make you think you’re an insane jealous girlfriend.

“what do you want me to do to show that i still love you?” wooyoung questioned. again, his choice of words irked you.

you felt tears welling up in your eyes, the disappointment you were feeling made your heart ache so much. you love your boyfriend, but not this version of him. and you don’t know the answer to his question because the damage feels irreversible.

“please just come here,” wooyoung carefully takes a step closer to you, his arms opening once again for you, his voice still firm but slightly more gentle now. he wished you would understand the reason he, in your words, ‘overreacted’ is because ateez is at the height of their career and he can’t risk having anything knock it down right now. he knows, he knows it seems never ending for you, being patient until he reaches his next goal. there’s always a next goal, and it’s always harder to reach than the last, and each time there’s more at stakes. he knows he’s being selfish, one can’t have it all but here he is, greedy for both success and love.

“i’m sorry,” he apologised again, his two hands cupping your face as the tears begun to roll down your cheeks, “i shouldn’t have been so harsh on you.”

“i think we should break up.” you felt like choking on your own words. yet for some reason, your body still gravitated towards him, and the next moment your lips are already on his.

wooyoung did not have time to react to what you had just said, but he doesn’t care. all he wants to do right now is melt into your kiss so he reaches for the back of your head.

the both of you are grown enough to know this was not the healthiest way to resolve conflicts, but everything just felt right. “we are so not breaking up,” he breathed heavily as he pulled away for a second.

“you are mine.”

[st5lker]

one thing i dont see talked about very often is the casual transmisogyny specific to nonbinary transfems especially those of us who have any kind of masculine presentation/pronouns. like as a bigender person i consider myself both a trans woman and a gay man at the same time in different parts and everyone just kind of sees that and goes "oh so youre not an actual trans woman so being transmisogynistic doesnt matter". and believe me i dont consider myself having it "worse" like im far safer irl than most binary post-transition transfems since i present masculinely irl and I constantly recognize that but when it comes to casual transmisogyny people are transmisogynistic in a very insidious way when youre nonbinary.

like people who would normally be really careful about checking themselves for transmisogyny just throw everything out the window when they realize youre nonbinary. you tell them you consider yourself a woman and a man at the same time, or anything in between, or have any kind of attachment to masculinity, and they immediately mentally categorize you as a man. it doesnt matter how you present, what you say, whether it's online or offline---if you're amab and don't fit the bill of being "woman enough" people online will go "thats a man" end of sentence.

the most painful part is that it comes from everybody. it comes from the cis lesbians that called that amab nonbinary person on tiktok a rapist for saying they liked when bi women primarily attracted to women were into them. it comes from the "femboy" obsessed tme transmascs and nbs who don't take your concerns about their transmisogyny seriously. and rarely, but most hurtfully, it comes from other trans women. anyone else remember when lesbianchemicalplant endlessly harassed a trans girl on here for daring to call her attraction to men gay? I do. I do because I saw it at a vulnerable time in my development and it made me repress myself for years because I thought being gay for men and a trans women were the most mutually exclusive things in the world and daring to say you can connect to both of those will get you labeled a Fake Transfem that's doing it for clout. i STILL get a feeling in the back of my mind that whenever i mention being a transfem after talking abt being a gay man people will be like "dont be ridiculous you're not REALLY transfem".

this of course comes from the fact that trans women are held to an impossibly high standards of femininity. you have to be a Capital W Woman to be taken seriously. meaning, of course, that you have to have long hair and thin shoulders and wear dresses and be skinny and short and attractive and usually white (unless they have a fetish for black women, then you can be black IF you hit the rest of those criteria). no matter what you can't be anything CLOSE to a man. make sure you take hrt and get The Surgery too and throw in some breast implants while you're at it.

if you're not rejecting every single part of you that could at all be associated with masculinity you're not even trying, you're just a man, you're just like all other men, and they don't have to care what you say about how you're treated. that type of transmisogyny is so deeply ingrained in literally everyone and its so depressing. it comes back to haunt ALL transfems but the way nonbinary transfems are treated is a perfect example of it.

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

hii there! :)

can i b a trans guy without medically transitioning? i cant for a good many years, but also,,, i dont want to (i have several adjacent health issues that would make it difficult, also i’m neutral abt my body - i dont really have dysphoria over it and it doesn’t bother me). but i’m terrified that i’ll never be taken seriously. i don’t mind being misgendered by strangers or acquaintances (i’d actually describe myself as genderqueer if i technically had to, it’s not the label i identify with but it makes the most sense like objectively. i’m happy w/ he/him but ok with they, she, etc), but i would like it if my friends would see me as a guy. but i’m also scared to even like, ask that of them. bc i really really don’t look like a guy, or even slightly androgynous, and i kind of have this sucky internal mindset that i won’t be seen as a real guy unless i make an effort to look like one, even though that’s not what i want. i’m working on it, but it’s also… my romantic life plays a big role in it. i’m currently identifying to a lesbian to my friends bc i like girls. and it’s just girls that i like. so if I live true to myself and do say that i’m a guy, I’m also like… who would want to date me, because i’m a guy who uses he/him pronouns and ‘male’ terminology like boyfriend, but physically, i have a lot of ‘girl’ features, like big boobs, and i don’t want bottom surgery either (neutral abt my body), so i just really don’t know. it’s really hurting me bc when i realised I was queer i thought I’d find a home in the queer community and i did, for the first time ever, but as I’ve thought about my identity a bit more all my queerness causes me is stress bc I’m constantly worried that no one not even other queer people will ever take me seriously or allow me to use the labels I use or will ever want to date me (bc… like, I’m not straight, but also how can I call myself a lesbian if I consider myself a guy? It’s all complicated, to me, but I feel like I’ll be ostracised from lesbians for not being enough of a girl — even though my gender is complicated and trans guy is just the best way to explain it and the best label that fits for me — and ostracised from trans people for not being trans enough and ahhhh I’m just. Really stressed about it all, and am constantly wishing I could just be true to myself, even within the queer community, but don’t know how to…

Hey, listen to me. You have a place in the queer community, okay? If you say you’re queer, you’re queer and we love and accept you.

Yes, you can ABSOLUTELY be a trans guy without medically transitioning! I understand with health issues it can be difficult for some people. However, you do NOT need to justify your choice to me, or to anybody, okay? If you don’t want to medically transition, then don’t medically transition! That’s the end of it. Being trans is about just being Not Cis. Transitioning medically is part of it for some people, but maybe it’s not for you, and that’s okay! You can still be trans.

A lot of queer AFAB people who start to realise they might be more masc aligned start feeling guilty, wondering if they’re predatory. I also experienced this. I used to identify as a bisexual girl, then nonbinary, then I started realising I felt more like a guy. I was terrified. I didn’t want to be a creepy straight guy, I didn’t want to make the women around me or women I was attracted to feel unsafe.

Eventually I realised, it’s not BEING MALE that makes you creepy, it’s being a CREEPY guy. It’s a mindset that’s a bit hard to put into words. Being male and being attracted to women is not inherently creepy. It’s only creepy if you’re weird about it, and it’s very easy not to be.

Some lesbians might ostracise you, that’s true. However, the vast majority of the lesbian community has a long history of transmasc and trans guy lesbians. The queer community is about love and support no matter your identity. You are loved.

Seeing someone as a certain gender because of their body parts is something people can get over. I might look feminine, but I know my friends and partner see me as a guy because that’s who I am to them, a friend, a brother, a boyfriend.

If your friends can’t see you as a guy because of something as unimportant as your body, then that’s on them.

“Who would want to date me” there’s people who would, trust me. Look, when you have low self esteem, especially if you’re trans and your self hatred is related to that, it’s hard to believe you’re loveable, but believe me, you are.

I still struggle with dysphoria and wonder why anyone would love me when I’m a guy but I feel like I don’t look like one, but my partner always assures me I’m loveable, and you deserve that too.

Trans people can find loving, caring partners who love you not inspite of your transness but because it’s part of who you are and they love YOU.

Kid, be yourself. You’re welcome in the queer community. Be true to yourself, be who you are, and you’ll find the right friends and the right partner.

I hope you have a good day/night, and I’m sending so so much love. May a ray of sunlight shine upon you sometime soon, my friend. Sending warmth <33

[starvrse]

VICSID

| pairing : idol!noh yunah x fem!reader

| summary : idk 😭 yall arguing bc of yunah

| warnings : toxic, cursing, lowercase, not proofread

“why you gotta be so clingy?” yunah says, putting her phone down, and rolling her eyes. “like seriously, you can’t leave me alone for 10 minutes??” the look she gives you, as if you were one of her obsessive fans.

you look back at her, confused and dumbfounded. “what? i can’t want my girlfriend’s attention now?” you try to defend yourself, “this is the first time i see you in like, what? 4 weeks? so my bad if i miss you.”

it’s true, she has been gone for 4 weeks. but, you should’ve prepared yourself to be alone sometimes, after all, you knew what you were getting yourself into when you got in a relationship with an idol.

that statement is what ran through yunah’s brain at the very moment.

“fuck yn! you’re right. this is my first time off in weeks.” you start calming down, thinking she was about to agree with you. “so my bad if i want some time to myself” your heartbeat picks back up. “i don’t need a clingy bitch in my ear while i’m trying to relax.” she yells, going back to sit in the gaming chair.

you take a deep breath, in attempt to calm yourself back down. “get out.” you say with gritted teeth and glossy eyes. i mean, if you were such a “clingy bitch” why was she in your room, at your house?

yunah immediately snaps her head toward your direction, looking at you with both confusion and anger in her eyes. “what?” she said, adding a cocky smile and laugh to it.

“get out.” you repeat with a cracky voice, and a few tears rolling down your cheeks.

you see her smile falter, a loud sigh leaving her lips. “yn, you can’t be serious” she grips the arm of the chair, “you claim you missed me, and now you’re trying to kick me out? shit, now you’re clingy and indecisive? damn bitch, pick a struggle.” she says as she once again, gets out the chair and starts walking toward your figure.

you tried to clear your voice to sound more intimidating and serious, but god knows it didn’t work. “yunah i’m being so deadass. get the fuck out.” you manage to say while looking up at her.

she looks down at you, pure anger in her eyes. “don’t fucking cuss at me yn.” her eyes darkening with every word. “you think you’re so fucking big and bad, huh? you think you can tell me what to do right?”

no answer.

“fucking right yn!?” she pushes you on the bed. “you wanted my attention, right? well i’m giving it to you now. so fucking answer me.” she says with gritted teeth.

you push her back, and stand up “if you wanted to be alone why come to my house? if you wanted to be alone oh, so badly, why not lock yourself up in your bedroom at your dorm?” you say. “honestly yunah, i’m so fucking tired of you” you poke her chest with every word. “everytime i see you—which is rarely, we argue.” your tears are long gone by now, your voice is filled with pure anger. “so just get the fuck out and leave. me. alone.” you release the breath you didn’t know you were holding.

yunah’s eyes widen, taken aback by your words, she quickly tries to change your mind, saying things like “please baby, i’m sorry.” and “you know i didn’t mean that, i was just stressed.”

once she realized you weren’t changing your mind anytime soon a switch went off in her mind. “okay then yn, fuck you.” she picks up her phone and her bag that she had a few clothes in. “don’t text me or call me unless it’s to apologize.” she says walking to the front door.

“wasn’t thinking about it anyways.” you reply. once she leaves you lock the door and sigh.

(btw i have no idea what vicsid means)

ermmm my first story 🤓 reminder that i am nawt a professional 😭 so mb if this is straight ass (maybe i’ll do a part 2 if ppl care enough 😈)

[lordmartiya]

This prompt done by someone literal minded... What am I gonna do now?

Day 6: Injury (Hurt/Comfort)

Marinette had one weird day as Ladybug. First she had to go to the police with a gas mask to retrieve the pair of Miracolous, then, since she hadn’t been involved in the fight, had to wash them the hard way rather than use magic (thankfully Lila had shared the recipe to remove what remained after the tomato juice), then she had to go to Master Fu’s massage parlor, where Master Su had taken residence, drag him away from the tv, and explain what had happened, or at least what she knew.

And now that Lila had finally left the Prefecture (because the mess was too big for anything less than the headquarters of the police to handle, even without the whole “daughter of a diplomat” thing) she was supposed to meet her in front of Place des Vosges and get a full explanation, except she was sitting over the piled up bodies of four of Adrien’s stalkers waving her diplomatic passport, symbol of the diplomatic immunity she was taught not to use unless necessary, to Roger Raincomprix. Only good thing was that she was wearing MARINETTE’S dress, the one she had given her for the modeling job that changed their relationship. That, and the cop seemingly accepted he was more useless than usual, given Lila left him to deal with the stalkers.

“Ok, what the fuck.” Marinette demanded.

“They decided this morning’s events were part of a cunning plan to get Adrien all to myself, and tried to stop me without being able to handle the pain from a spleen shot.” Lila explained with a smile. “Hope I ruptured them.”

“No, I mean this morning!”

“Well, I was making my usual report to Gabby when he noticed my new decoy necklace, the one I had you make to hide the fact I wear the Fox Miraculous as a belt under the dress, and he asked if he could see it. I didn’t like him handling it so I said no, he threatened my job, I told him my mom’s lawyer can beat his lawyers, he said “Nooroo, Dusuu, unify”, and I sprayed him right as he was done transforming. Then I ran out of the room, closed the door, and called the police, and some idiot soon to be unemployed must have blabbed to the press since it got out so quickly. Oh, I also swiped his ring, there’s a thing I need to verify. It’s stupid and unlikely, but considering YOU have an embarrassingly plain costume…”

“Can you just let it go?”

“Giammai.” that being Italian for “never”, only hammier.

Marinette didn’t know if she should be angry or laugh. Or how they had gone from sworn enemies to this. Whatever it was that made Lila’s teasing so amusing rather than irritating, that made her want to spend as much time as possible with her. To just make sure she would never be lonely.

Before she could decide how to react, however, a smart stopped near them, and Nathalie Sanscour came out.

“This is for Gabriel and Emilie.” she said as she pulled a small pistol – and shot Lila in the chest.

“NO!” Marinette screamed as her pretend girlfriend fell. She then turned to the attacker and demanded: “Why?!”

“Because Gabriel was just trying to save Emilie. She was put in a coma and almost killed by the broken Peacock Miraculous, and-”

“And the fucker couldn’t just ask for help.” Lila’s pained voice replied before taking a deep breath – immediately imitated by Marinette, she knew what was coming.

After Nathalie got skunked, the two girls moved to safety, with Lila in clear pain and a hole in the dress but no wound. Only when they were far enough from the skunked shooter Marinette asked how Lila survived.

“A guy in Mexico makes normal-looking bulletproof clothes, there’s where my mom bought my shirts in bulk and where I just got a few undershirts.” Lila explained. “Already got shot once for an ad, though the guy had the decency to use a small .22 Long Rifle from some distance, not shooting me at point blank with a Para or larger! Seriously, that’s a Beretta Storm subcompact, it only has the 9 Para or the .40 Smith & Wesson.”

Marinette didn’t know what kind of madman made those ads, only that she felt dying when Lila was shot – and happy beyond belief when she turned out almost unharmed. How? How had she fallen for this girl?

 Afterword

Yep. Got Lila shot. I was initially planning to have one of the fan club do it, but this is Western Europe, guns are more controlled than that. Thus Nathalie did it, and is going to jail skunked.

For the bulletproof clothes… They exist, and wealthy people do buy them. Go on YouTube and look up “I was shot by Miguel Caballero”, that madman actually makes ads by shooting his customers (and his wife) at close range with a target pistol to show off that yes, his products do stop small cartridges flat (literally).

[enbyjjunie]

HOW DKB WOULD REACT TO FINDING YOU MASTURBATING

not requested

this is just my thoughts on the matter and it's okay if you disagree, this is just fiction. i'm not saying this is how dkb is and this post should not be taken seriously.

dkb coming home to find their partner in bed, touching themself and not having noticed suddenly not being alone !

cw: masturbation (reader), slight dom/sub dynamic (d1, heechan), semi-voyeurism (gk), taking pictures/videos (lune), implied oral (reader receiving) (yuku), implied sex (harry-june)

BY READING FURTHER, YOU AGREE THAT YOU ARE AT THE AGE OF 18 OR OLDER

changmin would be flustered finding you like that. i mean, he gets that it's something you do. he knows he works a lot and so to expect you not to take care of business yourself would be kinda insane. i can see him giving you your privacy and going to wait somewhere else at home, maybe even taking care of himself if that image of you is stuck in his head. "hey..." as soon as he sees you again, having been patiently waiting on the couch. "in the future... what would you like me to do?" he's open to your needs and prefers knowing what you'd like him to do if he ever found you like that again.

dongil would sneak up on you, either he can't see what you're doing or he knows damn well; it doesn't make a difference, suddenly you just hear him whisper in your ear; "couldn't even wait for me?" such a little shit, cos after that he's urging you to keep going and pretend he's not there, as if you don't need him after such a greeting, your own hands very much underperforming with the possibility of his help. dongil though... he'll help if you beg him to, of course he will; you're his love, but that doesn't mean he won't take any and all chances to tease the fuck out of you. afterwards though he just says "you could've asked when i was home. you could've even told me why you were asking and i'd be here in a flash." but hey he's not complaining about finding you 'compromised'.

nervous boy! there are a lot of thoughts going through gwanghyun's head and at the same time, he feels like his head is absolutely empty. meanwhile, you look like a dream, lying in your shared bed, writhing, letting all your noises out that come naturally and he's mesmerised. as he hears a small 'hyunie?' he comes over to the side of the bed and kisses you softly, first on your lips and then your forehead. "hi sweetie. are you okay?" he absolutely lets you nuzzle into him, joining you in bed for the ultimate after-orgasm snuggle. 'were you watching for long?' "yeah, i'm sorry, you just looked and sounded so so good, i couldn't help myself."

heechan would almost be skipping, happy to be home to you, until he turns the corner to your bedroom. it's not that he's not still very happy to see you, it is that he's very happy to see you. it's really like a switch, hunger filling his body. "honey, what are you doing?" the air is thick and heavy. you hadn't been told to ask for permission, per se, but it was an established routine, that if you were feeling needy, you'd ask him if you can touch yourself, and if he had the time, he'd even call you to listen to your whines and maybe even speak you through it. now, you could tell him 'not now' and he'd drop it immediately; if you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood, but the way you turn around to face him with big eyes tells him to continue. "handling your pleasure is my job. now, hands off and let me do it."

unless given explicit permission, sungmin is exiting stage right, letting you do that on your own. but if given said permission, he might just stay and watch. pretty recognises pretty, and lord does he find you pretty. and it's a perfect scene in front of him; his lovely partner writhing on a messy bed, warm sunlight seeping in and bathing you in a golden colour. "pretty..." is being muttered under his breath as he cannot possibly tear his eyes off of you in all your beautiful glory. if it is something you like, he might even pull out his phone and start taking pictures and videos. he loves showing you his perspective; how gorgeous he finds you, and having some visuals for later also doesn't hurt.

junseo, the forever softie that he is, would shed all unnecessary clothes and join you in bed. you'd been with your back to the door and too preoccupied with yourself to notice the doors being unlocked and locked, opened and closed. he'd quickly snake his strong arms around you and pull you flush to his body; your back resting against his chest and your ass against his crotch. "hello, little love, do you need any help?" he's dead serious. because if you wanna just get off with your own practised technique and skills, he'd be happy to hold you and kiss you as you shake in his arms, but if you were to say yes, he wouldn't even take a breath before his fingers are on you, finding their own rhythm to please you with.

yuku moves around very quietly usually, which makes it hard to hear when he's walking into rooms, especially when that isn't what's on the forefront of your mind. you jump, a shiver rushing down to your core as you suddenly see him in front of you, smiling. he's scanning your face and making sure you're not uncomfortable with him being there, and then he asks; "would you like me to do that for you?" he loves making you feel good, especially giving you head, so he'll take every chance he can get for that. when you nod, he slowly brings his hand to your hair and starts stroking, calming your wild hair, before moving down to lay down on his stomach, his head between your thighs, looking up at you and kissing the soft skin. "lay back and relax, darling."

unlike yuku, there'd be nothing subtle or sneaky about harry. you'd hear an "oh baby" coming from the door to the bedroom, turning to look, seeing harry standing there with a wolfish smile. he'd look like he's ready to pounce. he wouldn't be able to stay put for long and he's quickly making his way over and jumping onto the bed, big hand running under you to hold on your back, lifting you up so that he can kiss you hungrily, ending it with breathing out something like "fuck, you're hot". it's probably likely you end up having sex with him. he couldn't see you like that and not fuck you. you still got your orgasm anyway.

starting this at 6 am, not having slept in like 21 hours you're welcome... this is what happens but unfortunately, i can't just sleep-deprive myself to get writing when i have to have enough energy to work in a kindergarten... (update on day of posting - this has been sitting on my drafts for a while and ig i'm posting it now as a sorry for being so slow at getting the kinktober days out and i thank you for your patience)

masterlist

[phantoms-lair]

Stray part 2

"So dare I ask what a cadre of thieves are going to do against an international criminal syndicate with incredible power and an utter lack of regard for human life?" 

"Oh, you're young." Takagi said, then seemed to pause. "Theoretically, at least." 

Oh right, he'd almost forgotten about that wrinkle. "Unless that bet about me being Kudo Shinichi is right?" he hedged. 

"No, you'd still be young if that was the winning bet." 

Huh. He hadn't thought there were other bets, or that they'd say he was ever older. "Such as what?" 

"Shinigami." Takagi answered. 

"Seriously?" Conan asked in disbelief.

"You tell me Mr. I'll-Tell-You-Who-I-Really-Am-In-The-Afterlife who's got a perfect attendance record to every murder in Tokyo and several outside of it." Takagi challenged. 

It...was incredibly wishful thinking Takagi hadn't remembered that little exchange, wasn't it? 

"Inari was particularly proud of his theory that you were a personification of the concept of Justice who'd manifested to punish humanity for the sins they commit upon each other, except you met the kids and their purity won your heart, so you've taken them as you disciples and only punish the guilty instead of humanity as a whole." 

"I'm sorry, what???" 

Takagi shrugged awkwardly. "Fox is...I mean we're all dramatic, but Fox he...he sees the world a little differently than the rest of us."

"So that brings me back to what a person who's that far out there, or any thieves could do against them." 

Takagi was quiet a moment. "Ask Agasa-Hakase." 

Conan narrowed his eyes. "I'm asking you now." 

"And anything I'll say would be extremely biased. You won't find much in official records, A lot of people in power wanted those records forgotten. And most of the adults you talk to are around my age, so they'd have been kids at the time. I was only ten myself when Joker and the others saved me." 

"Saved you?" Conan fished. 

Takagi smiled at him, a little sadly. "The Police Chief of a small town was trying to manipulate things to be mayor. I ended up being kidnapped so the 'Missing Kid' thing could be leveraged against the current Mayor. 'If Abe Kazuhiko were Mayor, that child would never have gone missing'." 

"That's stupid." Conan snorted. "You'd tell as soon as you were found." 

"If I was found." Takagi said with twenty years of bitterness. "That wasn't in the plan." 

"Oh." That...that was vile. Murdering a kid for political clout. 

“But while all the police were rallying against the current Mayor, Joker and his crew - who were only in town to stop for gas - heard and went digging. They found me. They saved me. When no one else could even be bothered.”

There was a lot he was leaving out. The mind-controlling phone app. The two weeks he spent feral in the metaverse, dodging cognitions turned militia and eating memories of food and pieces of dreams. But there was no way he could have that conversation without sounding insane.

"I'm surprised you became a police officer after that." Conan commented.

Takagi was silent for a minute. "It wasn't my first choice, that's for sure. And I won't get into all the whys but a big one is...people go to the police for help. And I wanted to make sure a good cop wasn't harder to find than a unicorn."

Of course he knew where to find unicorns. But he wasn't bringing that up either.

~

"Hakase, have you heard of a group calling themselves Phantom Thieves of Heart?" 

Agasa let out a deep sigh. "That brings me back. What was it? Twenty, thirty years ago?" 

That matched what Takagi-Keiji had told him, as did the fact that he could find nothing official on them. 

"Who were they?" 

"I don't think anyone found out. The police claimed to have their leader at one point, but that turned out to be a lie." Agasa shrugged. "I think there was talk of a lower profile prior incident, but like most of the country I became aware of them during the Madarame scandal." 

"The what now?"

"Madarame, an artist considered a national treasure for his myriad of styles, most famous for the painting, Sayori. One day a gallery showing of his became covered in strange cards. The cards were written by a group calling themselves The Phantom Thieves of Heart. They claimed Madarame was a thief who stole the artwork he claimed as his own from his apprentices, who he'd been abusing. And that he would confess his sins with his own mouth." 

Conan frowned. 

"Madarame called it nonsense. The next day he put together a press conference and confessed to everything he's been accused of and more, including purposely letting the mother of his youngest apprentice die so he could steal her final work - the Sayori he was famous for. He provided more than enough evidence to prove it. There was not a mark on him, no sign of coercion. It was as if all the evil in his heart vanished overnight." 

His frown deepened. "It doesn't work like that." 

"But it did. For a little over a year whenever a calling card would appear, people mired in their wickedness were suddenly overcome with remorse. Then they vanished. There were rumors, they were still around helping people, just less publically, and that you could contact them if you needed them."

"Why would they suddenly go from being as attention getting as possible to going stealth?" 

Agasa shrugged. "No one could say for sure, but there was a new member of the team running around, one who seemed significantly younger. Some thought it was to protect the kid." 

Conan felt his stomach churn. It all lined up. "Hakase...what would happen if they targeted the Organization." 

Agasa thought for a moment. "They would, that's exactly the kind of evil they would have targeted. But they always went after individuals, not groups. And since no one knows what their methods are, it would be hard to say. But it hardly matters, Shinichi. No ones heard from them in a decade." 

But that wasn't true. He had heard from them that very afternoon. The Phantom Thieves of Heart were real and they were on a collision course with the Black Organization.

[chaos-in-deepspace]

Requests Status: Open

So I'm doing requests because I can and feel like it. Just a heads up that I probably won't be doing every single request that falls into my inbox, just because if I'm not inspired then the writing will come out horribly. Might also be a bit slow when it comes to doing requests since I do have a full time job.

If you have an idea that you want me to write, just drop it into the inbox! If you are requesting NSFW content though, I won't be accepting anonymous requests for it UNLESS it has a link to your side blog. I mainly just need to make sure you're 18+ requesting it, but I get the annoyance of having to use a main blog. So just @ the side blog you use for fandom stuff and we'll call it good.

I am currently only writing for the main three love interests for Love and Deepspace: Xavier, Zayne, and Rafayel.

Will Write List:

Fluff: I enjoy writing cute things so please send me some!

Smut: This will be rather limited with post sizes, but I will be writing spicy content.

Platonic: If you want a relationship to remain friendly and platonic, I am so down. It's not my favorite, but I respect it.

AU: This is more limited! I'm down with writing for AU things, however bear in mind that if I don't know the fandom, then I can't write it and will simply delete it.

Crack: I will do just about anything for a good laugh, so send in crack suggestions (it will be crack taken seriously)

Won't Write List:

Specified Kinks: Scat, Emetophilia, Vore, Cannibalism, Hardcore Kink Lifestyles, Ball Gags, Hook Suspension, Mutilation.

Mental Health Issues: I personally deal with a lot of mental health issues myself and don't want to be writing about it, as it sometimes sends me spiraling. I don't mind a character having anxiety or ADHD, but things like mentions of depression and suicide are off the table.

Serious Disabilities: I refuse to write about things that I cannot represent accurately. This includes disabilities that I don't have. I am unaware of what it would be like to be blind, deaf, mobility issues, etc. I don't want to misrepresent anyone, so I will be refraining from writing it. I do apologize for the inconvenience.

Pet Play: This one is mainly for hardcore pet play and goes into hardcore kink lifestyles. A person living in a cage, being nonverbal, and acting like an actual pet is off the table. I don't mind writing about someone being called a kitten and wearing ears and a tail, but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.

Age Play: For me there’s a big difference in calling someone “Daddy” and being a Daddy Dom. I’m cool with flirting and calling a character daddy but I don’t do age play. Infantilism or anything in that regard. I don’t care if it’s in a completely SFW situation, it makes me uncomfortable to read and write.

Ships: Not the sailing kind. If you ship certain characters together then that's chill, you do you, but I'm only writing xReader content hear.

This page is under construction. Canva is currently down so I can't make all the banners I need. This page will eventually be pretty!

[hesitantvampirealien]

bye!

i hope this doesn't sound dramatic, it's just... something to make everyone aware of the situation and possibly the last time i'll have any transparency with you unfortunately

you're not gonna see my thoughts here anymore unless it's something really small and/or related to an interest of mine. It's only gonna be art, reblogging things i enjoy and other things that don't say anything about me, i don't want to talk about my thoughts again

This is my most active and also most viewed account, and even though at the beginning i had this as just some random blog i would post whatever i wanted at first and vent here to avoid self harm, since i would be taking my anger out on the keyboard instead of my wrists, right now this blog has been getting big enough to cause me problems - i still have no idea how my profile suddenly started catching attention of nazi blogs - and i'm just done with how much everything i do is taken like a personal threat and i'm treated like i'm some cartoon villain, it's not a new thing by any means, i've had this happen before, i got doxxed once a while back and threatened in my personal phone number, i've had pedants talk to me like i'm an inferior being, even my own step mother had a sick obsession for demonizing me at all costs for unknown reasons, i had all kinds of inconveniences. The real problem this time is that, in all honesty, i've just become tired and hurt. I'm aging. I'm just tired of everything being escalated in order to make it all about how much i'm being a bad person who's actively causing harm to people, like everything i said caused a massive butterfly effect that will wipe out entire populations

i would like to reintroduce myself and point out a few things.

You can call me Noodle, Poison or Gerard, i'm 20 years old, and i have a few disabilities that cause me to be unable to empathize and cause me to struggle to understand things like ethics, morals, seriousness, grief, etc. I come from a less than ideal background so most of the things i learned were pure violence and a lot of prejudice in many aspects, things that i'm still trying to unlearn. My request has always been there, to be kindly taught when fitting.

The truth is that the narrative of aspd simply being a condition that gets on people's way in some aspects is not as interesting as the one of a person with aspd being a cold blooded murdeous psychopathic maniac, someone who was born evil and fated to be a monster. People don't like to be told their view on that is wrong because they're taught to fear people like me, mainly by mainstream true crime content producers like TV channels that are filled to the brim of this stereotype and constantly repeating it

To any of my friends who are reading this, sadly you'll probably just have to stay worried forever about not knowing if i'm fine or not but if it makes you feel better, if i'm posting, then i'm probably alive. I'm just kidding, you can literally just dm me and ask me if i'm fine. I won't be, probably, since i'll bottle up my emotions all over again and probably start cutting my wrist all over again because i'll be bottling up again - journaling doesn't work for me, i feel worse when i "talk to myself" in a way so most of the times writing for myself is inefficient, i'm not sure why, i just know that when i write to myself i feel absolutely ridiculous and start feeling worse because i'm self conscious about the fact that i'm a lonely loser talking to myself - and the feeling of not belonging anywhere and not deserving anyone's affection whatsoever is amplified tenfold right now, in all honesty

so i apologize if anyone first thought of me as someone who refused to conform, since i'm conforming to the mainstream right now and shutting myself up and bottling everything up again and relearning aspd shame lolol

I was told tumblr was welcoming. I was wrong

[welcometoteyvat]

can i ask why you don't like xingyun? /gen not a shipper myself but i'm just curious since a lot of chongyun lovers love that ship, i've never seen anyone NOT like it

rant warning by the way, I accidentally got more and more annoyed writing this 😬

im gonna be honest the number one reason is because i see it everywhere

the first effect of this is that content depicting xingqiu and chongyun in a nonromantic manner get tagged as xing/yun, which is annoying to me. you can draw 2 characters together in a nonromantic manner and you don't have to tag the ship guys. it's real it's called being friends. the second effect is that there's never any content with chongyun and Other Characters. people are so hung up on him and xingqiu that chongyun almost never exists without xingqiu. like you might notice i have a tag for chongyun and hu tao (mostly platonic) stuff except that there are only 7-8 posts tagged with that, because although the "exorcist and girl who can see ghosts" dynamic would be so cool, nobody seems to think abt that bc almost everything with chongyun includes xingqiu. this also goes for chongyun and xiangling (who canonically makes him his cooling popsicles) and like random other characters whom he Could interact with and be friends with (ayaka and him is a crack friendship i talked about once, and ofc chongyun and xiao). i hate it. xingqiu got his mr worldwide arc with venti and albedo please depict chongyun alone with other friends (it literally doesn't even have to be romantic). of course, this might just be a separate problem that I'm conflating with the ship, but it annoys me. i'm not focusing on xingqiu's side because although fan content for like idk him and yun jin? him and hu tao? albedo? is also super rare, at least that stuff exists in canon.

the second reason is because xingqiu's prankster attitude towards chongyun annoys me

yeah i love my little shit son but idk, it's just annoying when people make him feed chongyun spicy food, play pranks on him that cost chongyun Something (losing face, wasted time, frustration) idk. i guess i don't like that his condition isn't taken seriously. i don't think it's bad to have friends who pull your leg but at least not in a malicious way? like iirc he's implied to have triggered chongyun's yang energy overflows at least a couple times, and it's like . why. why is it played for jokes the kid literally passes out. "(He) needs more practice. Especially… with eating spicy food, haha." bro please do not !! don't trigger his condition just for kicks! xingqiu's other pranks also annoy me, given that i hate being tricked, so some of this might be projection or smth idk, but like idk you can give him good suggestions for where to demon hunt instead of making up shit and then going after him to make up for any costs. it's just annoying i think chongyun gets annoyed but then later forgives him, as friends are, but i cannot imagine them getting together like this. unless it's toxic idk . if they're friends i can give a pass to the pranks and stuff but in a romantic relationship i don't think i could see this kind of dynamic being a good one

[elliespuns]

Little TMI here but honestly I don’t have a label on myself because it STRESSED ME OUT!!! Of course no hate to people who do label themselves I totally support but one thing about me, if I love you I will NOT care what genital you have. We are not totally sure what Dina could actually be but one thing for sure is she’s my baby & I will defend her at all times. The last of us is known for its LGBTQ+ representation as well with beautiful story & visuals, all the characters are my babies but it makes me uncomfortable if when the whole sexuality of the character is confirmed people deny it. Like look I don’t particularly mind if a man likes Ellie or the way a woman likes Abby as long as they are NOT denying their sexuality. Could Abby secretly like girls? Maybe but completely denying that fact that she could absolutely not like men gets on my nerves. Ellie though that’s a different situation it’s quite clear she likes girls & when men say they can change her or sexualize her as a kid it makes me so uncomfortable. As much as I love the last of us fandom there is rude & ignorant people in here & it ruins the wholesome & comforting feeling.

ANYWAY EVERY TLOU CHARACTER IS MY BABY & I WILL DEFEND THEM FOR LIFE, except for David ew…

True. That's why I was trying to say that people shouldn't really dwell on whether to call Dina bisexual or lesbian because there was never a scene where she would tell us how she felt about her sexuality in the first place.

She might as well be pansexual or demisexual, for all we know. So if people are here to pick on straws, or in my case, calling me out on calling Dina a lesbian in one of my posts (I dared to call her and Ellie 'weird ass lesbians' because it was fitting for the situation and it was actually just my humor talking), they should also realize that calling her bisexual might be as 'disrespectful' as calling her lesbian since none of us know how she feels about her sexuality anyway.

I had a few people 'lecturing' me about Dina not being a lesbian but BISEXUAL after I shared the post (I swear, do people even know me and my sense of humor, dammit?). Calling me out on it as if I didn't know she has a damn baby with a guy. Like, thank you for telling me! I've been new to this fandom, and I had no freaking clue when literally one of the storyline's plot twists was that Dina's pregnant. *sigh*

I think people get touchy too easily today. And not even just about themselves, but about fictional characters too. I mean, yeah, I love my babies too, but I've never heard Dina speak up about her sexuality. So unless we know what she labels herself with, I don't really think that people calling her lesbian with a grain of salt is disrespectful. 

What do we know, hm? Maybe she was sick of guys and completely switched? Maybe Ellie's mesmerizing eyes and her magical pussy made her go full-on lesbian. 

I hope I don't need to specify that I am joking (again). But hey, the point still stands. Calling her bisexual or lecturing people online that her actual sexuality is bisexual is also just based on assumptions.

I am open-minded about Dina's sexuality since we don't know how she would label herself. So I did really mean no harm by saying she and Ellie were 'being weird ass lesbians'—I mean, this is the internet and Tumblr. Not everything is meant to be taken so seriously.