#not because they didn’t love their job but because covid has fucked everything up

[pepprs]

like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?

[brook1yn-baby]

poison

pc!stan oneshot <3

characters; post covid stan x fem reader

warnings; dom/sub themes, fem+male masturbation, exhibitionism kinda, praise+degradation, petnames (sweetpea, baby), daddy kink, smut with aftercare 💋

a/n; this is for the anon that requested pc stan nsfw i’m dumb and accidentally deleted the ask 😪 thank u for requesting, it made my day teehee

stan hated his job.

okay, maybe that was a little dramatic. his job was…bearable. the pay was good, hours were flexible, he was basically his own boss and he worked from home. an online whiskey consultant wasn’t exactly a job he’d expected to be doing, especially so late in his life, but he was definitely passionate about it. or was it the alcohol he was passionate about? he could never quite tell. even so, he didn’t dread getting up every morning to answer calls from businessmen who had nothing better to spend their money on than copious amounts of whiskey.

but, right now, as he sits by his desk in his office on the phone to some guy who just can’t decide between two different bottles, he hates his job. and no, it wasn’t because the guy had spent the past twenty minutes mumbling to himself about the price and still hadn’t made a decision. it was during those twenty minutes that stan decided he hated his job. because during those twenty minutes, you’d walked into his office, sat on the sofa across from him and spread your legs, revealing that you were wearing nothing under your skirt.

god, stan really, really hated his job.

he couldn’t speak. even if he could, he wouldn’t be allowed. dirty-talking his pretty little tease of a girlfriend while on the phone with a client probably wasn’t the best look for the company. still, he just couldn’t pull his eyes away from your slow, gentle fingers as they slipped over your chest, stopping to pinch your nipples. the look on your face was enough to get him hard: bottom lip between your teeth, eyes half-lidded, staring right at him. there was probably the beginning of a smirk somewhere in there too, but stan was too busy watching your slutty display to check.

you knew for a fact this would end in a punishment. sure, stan loved how needy, how desperate you were for him, but always said the same thing when you were begging him to touch you; ‘good girls are patient. y’gonna be a good girl for daddy?’

usually, you’d whine, but nod and leave him be until he decided you deserved a reward. today was different. you weren’t gonna give him the chance to say anything. you’d woken up and his side of the bed was empty, you’d eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner alone, you’d gone grocery shopping and even carried all of the bags inside by yourself. he’d been in his office all day, and you were sick of it.

so, as your finger runs slow circles on your clit and his eyes darken, you know you’ve finally gotten his attention. the guy on the phone must’ve said something important, because stan has to drag his eyes away from you for a second, mumbling as he quickly types something on his computer, sighing. you giggle at his frustration, but stop promptly as he gives you a certain look; one that says ‘i’m not done with you yet’.

you take it in your stride, pushing a single digit into yourself, letting out a hushed whimper and grinning up at him. you knew it was taking everything in him to not throw his phone down and fuck you stupid. instead, he palmed at his cock through his pants, his face stoic. when you slip another finger in though, your moans a little louder now, his breath catches in his throat. he continues talking to the man on the other end of the phone, but there’s an edge to his voice, like he’s about to snap any second and hang up. you fuck yourself with your fingers, slowly, letting him watch you adjust to the feeling. fuck, you were still so tight. stan’s practically sweating now, unzipping his pants and pulling his cock out. he’s so hard it looks painful. he grabs his tip, wiping the precum down his length and pumping his dick as he stares at you, almost in awe of how much of a whore he’d turned you in to.

you would’ve never pulled this stunt when you first started dating.

he smirks as you bring your other hand back to your chest, swirling your fingertips around your nipple, grabbing and pinching, desperate for more stimulation. it wasn’t enough, and he knew it. you both knew it. it wasn’t him.

stan must’ve reached his breaking point as he cuts off the man on the phone. “look, dude, it’s not hard. get the macallan.” his hand leaves his dick to type something, then returns to jerking himself off as soon as the guy agrees and says he’ll order that one. he exchanges quick, strained pleasantries before basically throwing his phone onto the desk.

he doesn’t move for a few seconds. you stop your movements, removing your fingers and sitting still on the couch, full of adrenaline and lust.

then, he laughs. it’s quiet, and with his head down, you can barely hear him. he leans back in his chair, cock still upright and dripping as he looks down at you. “you wanna tell me what the fuck you’re doing?” his words are sharp and harsh, and it’s obvious he’s pissed. still, you give him the least nervous smile you can muster. you weren’t used to taking the reigns for once, or atleast trying to. stan was usually the one to instigate anything in your relationship, and as much as you liked him being soft with you, you needed something else. it was like an itch you couldn’t scratch- you knew he was capable of going harder on you, you just had to push him. luckily for you, this seemed to do it.

you hum quietly. “nothin’.”

that makes him laugh again. but it’s louder, a lot louder, and there’s an air of anger to it. “nothin’, huh?” he nods gently. then, slowly, he stands up, looking down at you still sat cautiously on the couch. his dick twitches against his stomach as he watches you from this new angle. he leans down slightly, hand coming to your jaw to hold your head towards him. “did i tell you to stop?”

you could’ve come from just the way he looked down at you. still holding his gaze, you bring your fingers back to your cunt, pushing two digits back inside. you rest your head on his hand as you fuck yourself, fast and messy, desperate to reach your high before he can take it away from you. he brushes a few stray hairs from your face, rubbing your cheek gently as he coos at your soft whimpers- it was so humiliating, and it made you even wetter. “there’s my obedient little girl.” his voice is quiet. he watches you intently, his cock still throbbing against his stomach. it was so difficult for him to just watch you and not touch himself.

it’s not hard to finish; you clench around your fingers, legs shaking as he pets your hair, whispering obscenities through your orgasm. your breathing is heavy when you finally settle down, as is stan’s. you go to remove your fingers, the warning signs of overstimulation already prominent, but stop when you feel stan’s large hand wrap around your wrist, keeping yours in place. his other grips your chin a little tighter. he tuts gently. “you wanted to be a little slut,” his voice is low and it sends a shiver down your spine, “so i’m gonna treat you like one.”

his hand moves slowly, coercing your fingers inside of yourself and you let him, curling them to reach your sweet spot, all while letting out strained moans. he ignores your whining, simply repeating his earlier words; you had decided to act like a whore, and you were gonna be punished for it. by now, the line between pain and pleasure had blurred. you couldn’t tell whether the ache in your core was from exhaustion or another building orgasm, but it didn’t matter anyway. you force your eyes open when he takes his hand from your chin, watching through blurry vision as he jerks himself off and pushes your fingers deeper inside of you. it was so intoxicating, so embarrassingly delicious. you were a squirming mess next to him, babbling as your second orgasm hit you like a freight train.

you can barely speak as it passes. you’re begging by this point, soft whimpers and pained ‘please’s, though you’re unsure whether you’re begging for it to stop or for him to finally fuck you. stan seems to get the message, wiping the stray tears from your pink cheeks and removing his hand from your wrist. “s’too much baby?” his words are soft, but the grin on his face is smug. you nod pitifully, sniffling, legs still shaky. suddenly, his hand snakes up your spine, coming to grab at your hair and pushing you back on the couch. his hands pull you up to your knees, leaving you face down and arched. “too fuckin’ bad, slut.” you hear his voice behind you, then feel his cock slap against your pussy. you’re dripping and sore from your first two orgasms and you’re not sure if you can handle a third, but it’s blaringly obvious you don’t get a choice as he pushes into you.

it stings, and leaves you tearing up again as he bottoms out, but fuck, does it feel good. it’s like he’s made to fuck you. your whole body ached, and you were pretty sure your legs were about to collapse, but as he slams into you, you can’t focus on anything but how big he feels inside of you. he was already close, his movements sloppy and harsh, but he was making the most of this. he needed to make sure he taught you a lesson.

your hands grab onto anything they can; you grasp at the couch, trying to hold yourself up as each of his thrusts seem harder than the last. he clutches at your hips with strong, thick fingers, squeezing slightly as he nears orgasm, urged on by your muffled moans and tears. you manage to come again, but it’s overshadowed by the pain searing through your whole body. you let yourself fall forward into the soft cushions on the couch, stan now fully supporting your bottom half as he pushes in a few more times, bottoming out with a strained grunt when he finishes inside of you.

as soon as he pulls out, you feel disgusting. you’re sticky with sweat and come, shaking and tearing up on the couch. you hear him recollect himself, feel the space next to you dip as he takes a seat, panting. his attention is immediately on you. he places a soft hand on your leg, rubbing gentle circles on your thigh. you sit up shakily, wiping your eyes as he gestures for you to sit on his lap, arms wide. you don’t hesitate to crawl onto him, settling comfortably with your face buried in his neck, whispering teary apologies. he presses a chaste kiss to your forehead, shushing you softly. “s’okay, baby,” he mutters, still holding you close to his chest, “just wanted daddy’s attention, didn’t you?”

you nod, his hand reaching up to brush through your hair. it was true; you weren’t used to him being so busy with work, and it was weird not being around him all day. you had gotten so comfortable in your domesticated daily routine with stan that when he wasn’t there when you woke up, or when you ate, or when you were out running errands, everything felt wrong.

he puts two fingers under your chin, pulling you up to look at him. his expression softens as he wipes your tears, placing a tender kiss to your lips. “i’m not angry, baby. just can’t let you act out without punishing you,”

you understood. this was the first time you’d gone against his rules and, as incredible as you felt during, it was gonna be hard coming down after that. fortunately, stan was there to help you through. “gonna go get a cloth to clean you up, okay baby? be a good girl and stay here,”

he slides you from his lap back to the couch, bending down to press a final kiss to your forehead, then getting up to leave with a proud grin. he’d definitely taught you a lesson.

[chelseadagger]

things just feel so heavy right now. i’m struggling to get any work done. however, i’m great at masking so it appears as though i’m doing well even though i’m struggling to do even the bare minimum. the restaurant has been absolutely awful. i have not been able to get through my shifts without actually crying the last two weeks. people have been increasingly rude and confrontational. i’m tired all the time. i pretty much spent the entire weekend laying or sleeping. i know i need to reach back out to my therapist but it’s been a few months since i’ve seen her and the idea of reaching out is giving me a lot of anxiety. and i know i would feel better getting back into it! being extremely self aware but also extremely mentally ill is so fucking exhausting.

my grandmother is still hanging on. hospice is giving her morphine every few hours to keep her comfortable. i miss her so fucking much and i just want her to be at peace. she was a professional astrologer at one point and i while i’ve always been interested in astrology, i’ve been getting much deeper into it. i wish i could talk to her about it. my gram was always so full of life. she was eccentric and funny and kind. she lived such an interesting and full life. we met when i was five and she was always so welcoming to me and my mom. she paid for our family vacations to maine when we were dirt poor. i felt both her presence and my uncle’s everywhere when we went last month.

my mom is having surgery in a week. she’s decided to get a full mastectomy and will then need multiple reconstruction surgeries over the next year or two. once this surgery is over they can determine if any further treatments are necessary beyond regular follow ups. she’s really struggling, obviously, and the timing of all of this just fucking sucks.

it was also my uncle’s birthday this week. he passed away about a year and a half ago and i really fucking miss him. we were not on good terms before he died and it kills me that i never answered his last text. he has always struggled off and on with addiction, which led to pretty significant neglect of my grandmother when she started to get sick. obviously that caused the huge rift in the family. he was a large and charismatic presence. he was always the first person i would look for at every family event. he was loud and so, so full of love. i miss our big family gatherings. we always came together for fall activities and spent every thanksgiving and christmas together so this time of year hits me harder these last two years. actually, because of covid it’s really been closer to four years since we were all together. it has always been my favorite time of the year so i’m going to try to still enjoy what i can of it. it also kills me that my dad has lost his entire family in the last year and a half.

my bio dad passed about two years before my uncle, almost to the very day. they both passed as a result of their addiction. my bio dad was alone and was not found for a few days. i hate that we also were not on any sort of speaking terms. i hate that his family only spoke to me until i signed off on all the necessary paperwork for his cremation arrangements, as i was the next of kin. i hate that they did absolutely nothing to even acknowledge his death. they didn’t even write an obituary for him. i know i was better off without his selfish, bitter, and mean family but i still hate that i can’t even get to know who he was aside from his addiction. from what i do know i think we were very similar in a lot of ways. it’s been almost 30 years since my mom left that situation and i’ve only scratched the surface of processing everything that went along with it.

i’m just angry and sad and overwhelmed right now. thankfully i recently moved into a very nice apartment and i’ve done a nice job so far at decorating and making the space feel cozy and safe. it’s bigger and there’s much more light as well as an outdoor space. if all of this was hitting while i was still in my old apartment i know i would be so much worse. my best friend lives downstairs and she has been really great at checking in on me. she’s come up just to sit and say hi for a bit and we also went on a walk today. i’m trying to find the balance of needing my alone time and isolating from the world.

i’m going to attempt to get some actual work done right now. we’ll see how it goes.

[izacore]

oops… this is a lot longer than it was supposed to be, so sorrry!!

just prefacing this by saying that everything surrounding the asia leg cancellation is so fucked up for all the fans, but i did just want to say how sorry i feel for louis because he just has the worst fucking luck. it’s quite frustrating to see niall and harry do so well and not have these kind of set backs, and i’m not trying to compare or put anyone down, they deserve all the success they have, but it just sucks because louis deserve at least a 10th of that. his music is amazing, i think so many people outside of the current fanbase would love his personality, and he’s inspired and helped so many people. but he just keeps on getting thrown these curve balls. he writes an amazing album, but the numbers don’t represent that. he goes on tour, that gets cancelled. he releases a doc, but there’s barely any media coverage on it. like i get that he’s probably catering this stuff to the fans, but he’s at a point where fandom support is not enough (this is an assumption, but i do think the cancellation is b/c he didn’t meet some sort of ticket/sale quota, otherwise he would’ve given an explanation as to why this happened). anyways, imo he (and harry too) should take some time to figure stuff out. take a step back, maybe write a little music, but mainly just reflect on how far they’ve come (because they’ve achieved so much!!!) and see where they want to go from here. they’re just going going going because they want to keep up the momentum, but i think they’re leaving the fans behind in the process. i get that covid changed so many things and everyone is trying to catch up from the past two years of lockdown, but when you keep on touring and releasing stuff people become overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally, financially. i think that’s kinda where people are at. fans are becoming frustrated with hl. niall on the other hand, everyone is asking when he’s going on tour because people haven’t seen him in over 4/5 years. it’s good to step back, give people a chance to miss you, especially in this kind of industry. i know everyone keeps on saying the same thing over and over again, but yeah… it just sucks. i hope things start getting better for louis, he deserves it.

Hi nonnie, don’t worry I don’t mind long messages.

I agree with you that it's true that Louis cannot catch a break and that in the past he unfortunately had the worst luck, but in this case with the examples you named I just can't absolve Louis completely of the responsibility. The (potential) low ticket sales, fitf's numbers, aotv not making any noise outisde of the fanbase are things that Louis should have some control over and what's lacking is any effort from lthq to... work. You cannot just drop a project, expect fans to carry it and do your job for you and then get disappointed when the outcomes don't meet your expectations. Louis released fitf and then disappeared/went on holidays/went to party in LA/promoted a doc full of lies. How is that going to be sustainable?

Hard agree on Niall and his promo, though. His team is just so smart with reintroducing him to the gp and booking him for festivals before they send him on tour. And in all of his interviews you can see how... mature the approach he has to his art and career has. My friend @louisshomesharry hit the nail on the head yesterday when we were talking, and said that compared to HL, Niall accepts his age and adjusts his career accordingly, meanwhile the boys are still trying to live their early 20s catering to teens cause they don't want to accept they wasted those years on some bullshit. I wish they could both take a step back, slow down, reconnect with each other and then come back when they're rested and matured (and with a duet album ready haha).

[tscritical]

Hello there 👋🏻

I left the sanders sides fandom and blocked every tag just short of four years ago, just after the release of DWIT. Now, there is no obligation for you to answer this ask, but if you feel up to it, think you could fill me in on everything that’s gone down? Has there really not been another ‘proper’ episode since then? Like I said, you aren’t obligated to answer. It just, seems like there’s been a lot. Thought it would be easier to ask someone. Thanks for your time.

im putting this under a read more cos. shit gets extensive

ok so here’s the shitty rundown:

if you remember, at the end of dwit virgil confessed to having been a “dark side” in the past, and thomas didn’t seem to take it well

the next episode was a sanders asides, which is basically,, shorter videos that were promised to give us more content (lie)

in this asides, thomas found out his friend was like. an ex homophobe. and somehow that’s a parallel to virgil having been a dark side??? ok

basically thomas realized he needed to accept virgil for everything he was, including his past. but they couldn’t come up with a better allegory. so it’s apparently canon that thomas thinks of dark sides as being the same as. ex bigots. idfk

about a year later, the svs redux came out. oh boy

thomas got back from the wedding, sang a song with patton and roman about how it sucked because lee and mary lee didn’t drop everything to spend time with him instead of. celebrating their fucking wedding. thomas basically said “wahhh why won’t lee and mary lee talk to me instead of focusing on themselves at their own wedding 😡😡😡😡” which like. whatever i guess

they debated on whether it would’ve been better to discuss the wedding vs callback decision with lee and mary lee beforehand and patton was like “but they may have been sad if you picked the wedding, and they would’ve been sad if you picked the callback” blah blah

logan came in as a pixelated pop up (called “logans lowdowns”) and was like “im gonna give helpful information via text box” and no one bothered to read them cos they’re jerks (I DID. MY REACT VIDEO PROVES IT. real logan stans read the text and then had to rewind the video to hear the other dorks jshdjdjfjf)

ultimately patton ended up suggesting that thomas should sacrifice himself for others. and also he should only take care of himself in emergency situations. and he turned into a frog

oh yeah and then deceit popped in and was like “patton you’re being a little extra” and explained that if you only take care of yourself in emergency situations, you won’t be nearly as equipped to handle it as you would be if you. you know. utilized self care a more reasonable amount

then roman was like “shut up deceit” and deceit was like “my name is janus” and roman was like “shut up janus, also that name is stupid” and janus was like “well you’re the evil twin so suck on that”

im doing a bad job of explaining the tension but holy SHIT this video…

anyway, after the redux was flirting with social anxiety, which is another asides. it’s an animatic because covid prevented thomas from actually going to the mall but anyway

thomas went to the mall having one mini moral crisis after another, until he saw a cute guy he wanted to talk to. but virgil was like “hell no” and roman was like “hell yes” and they basically spent the entire video arguing over whether it was a good idea to approach a stranger (regardless of how cute said stranger was)

ultimately, thomas and the stranger, nico flores, managed to get to talking, and they really seemed to hit it off! thus followed a really cute end credit scene back at the apartment, i really recommend watching that part on its own i fucking love it

the next episode was the third and final (so far) asides, in which thomas has sought help from logan in basically getting his life together, starting with cleaning his apartment

throughout the endeavor, thomas tries to follow the plan logan helped him get together in order to get it done, but remus has plans of his own. with every step thomas takes, remus puts a bear trap in his path. you know. metaphorically

oh yeah and the subplot is that thomas texted nico something stupid and he hasn’t responded and thomas is like “pls god why” probably because he’s worried he scared nico off (i can’t remember what the text said but i think it was cringe? idk hsjdhdj)

logan is trying to help thomas work through his intrusive thoughts… hence the title of the video jsjdjfkfk but remus is pretty relentless. finally, logan approaches remus and is like “what the fuck dude” and remus is like. well y’all know what remus is like akdjkdjfkf

remus starts ignoring logan and logans eyes glow orange and he’s like “STOP IGNORING ME” and remus is turned on or something and he’s like “but who do you really wanna scream that at?”

nico calls thomas and is like “wanna look at art?” and thomas is like “hell yeah” and leaves in the middle of cleaning which makes logan sad and ill kill thomas for making logan sad /j (there was also ominous vague foreshadowing from janus eating an apple in a tree or some shit idk)

then there’s the five year anniversary shit. which is like. pointless skhddkjf it’s basically thomas asking the sides shit about the series and it’s mostly fluff until you look into it. pretty much on the surface level kahdjdfjfk

i don’t remember it well i only watched it a couple times so

im not gonna talk about can plushies improve our health it makes me too mad

then the last video in the sanders sides playlist is the over the garden wall cover which i recommend simply because thomas/janus’s voice is so good and the vibes are so soft i cant

and there ya have it. you’re caught up now. now i have a question for you; what the FUCK do you mean, “four years ago, just after the release of dwit”. that was two years ago you are lying to me /j

[mdhwrites]

Why I Think The Owl House Got Shortened

I have three theories and literally none of them of them have jack shit to do with the representation. I think people who think The Owl House got cancelled for that haven’t been paying attention to Disney at all, want a reason to hate a corporation that hates them (because this is by no means calling Disney an ally. They’re evil) and ignores that Disney has been using representation as a marketing and distraction tool for YEARS now. Besides, Disney has to approve everything TOH does and they still let the Lumity kiss happen. They still allowed Luz to do her bi presentation at the start of season three. Moscha is blatantly non-binary. These are all good things and all things Disney let through. If Disney hated the show as much as people claim, at least for the representation, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. Moving on. These will be in order of what I think is most plausible btw and these are all just theories. Theory 1: Dana pisses some people off with her treatment of S1. The fandom knew REALLY early on that Dana didn’t like the first of Season 1 and that she blamed changes enforced by Disney for it. Mind you, I joined the fandom when S1 was ALL WE HAD. As far as a content creator’s job to promote that which they make, let alone the DIRECTOR of the show, saying “Hey, half of what is out, the first half, is not great,” is kind of a dick move to your own creation. Say that once there’s five seasons, a dedicated fandom, etc. like that? Go right the the fuck ahead. That’s not going to stop most people who are watching the show and half a season in return for nine times that amount in good content is a trade some will make. I would not be surprised if this ended up really annoying some of the people at Disney and eroded trust they had in Dana. That would have made the budget cuts made during Covid easier to choose because you have a show where the creator itself is causing problems in its numbers. Theory 2: Disney decided they’d been lied to and that the show wasn’t what it was pitched as and they didn’t want the new version. So if we go off of the pilot, and the unreleased pilot for that matter, what would be a good description of the thesis of the show? What is the elevator pitch that gets a network to start producing it? For TOH it’s actually pretty simple and you can see why current Disney wanted it. “We want to do a fantasy comedy show where a young girl goes to another world where she learns life lessons and magic. The comedy is predicated mostly on subversion of fantasy tropes.” As Disney has been loving itself some subversion of its own tropes, that’s pretty appealing since it also works well as a kid’s show and Amphibia was also approved. But... How true is that of TOH? Season 1 at least tries to do lessons about morality but more often than not, Luz learns nothing. Or the lessons get muddled because Eda is a terrible person in S1. The comedy also isn’t clever in any way with its subversions and there’s also plenty of fantasy in TOH that is reliant on the excuses and the like of fantasy. It’s really nothing special in that regard even while it mocks fantasy. But the worst part is the magic for Luz. The Intruder and Adventure in the Elements aren’t bad but one DOESN’T have a lesson for Luz and if it does, the other uses similar mistakes she made in The Intruder to cause the problems that happen. Also nothing really comes of “There’s magic everywhere” in that episode so there are two glyphs that don’t really have any meaning behind them. But then it doubles down in Grom where Luz just gets the plant glyph at the beginning because *shrug* and then Winging it Like Witches gives her the fire glyph. You CAN make a case that this gives her an arsenal so she can do more with the adventure aspect (I would argue this is not a good thing because it means she needs to be less clever with her magic, which happens in the season finale and opener for S2) so they can brush that off. Maybe. But then Escaping Expulsion happens. Not only is it exceptionally anti-parents for Amity without proper build up or the like ON DISNEY but it nukes Luz’s arc with magic without Luz even interacting properly with the B plot of the episode. She is not involved in the ending of her own journey in becoming a witch. And for anyone who wants to say “The glyph combos could that...” Dana would have had to show that the script and boards for the very next episode included “Here is barely an explanation for how I now have INVISIBILITY. The bigger explanation is ‘It’s magic, I don’t have to explain it’“ Which is usually the number 1 complaint about fantasy writing. And your subversive comedy just used it over and over again for the main character’s arc with magic, especially for why it’s as strong as it is. At that point, you ask for a meeting to discuss just what you’re actually getting as a company and how much more of it you want. Theory 3: TOH is expensive to make, even for an animated cartoon, and Covid hit so it was decided to be made shorter for long term budget cuts, especially since S2 looked even more expensive. So... This has a lot to just do with the fact that TOH’s magic especially is very budget unfriendly. Gus, Willow and Amity all practice forms of magic that cause secondary entities to appear with them and can continue to move after the initial cast. So now you have a far more complex scene because you need to track Gus’ illusions, Amity’s abominations, Willow’s plants and those are just those three covens. Pretty much all of the coven magics have this issue. The only ones that kind of avoid this are potions and power glyphs. Also, quick side note: Power GLYPHS. Not going into it here but there’s a reminder that TOH’s magic sucks and does not feel planned out. Speaking of glyphs: Those don’t really help. Yes, those are at least static but Luz also demonstrates that they allow for quick casting so that’s a lot of new elements and half of her glyphs still leave behind debris that the animator and artists have to keep in mind as the fight goes on. This is why a lot of times, even in a show with a lot of magic, you might have the dude who specializes in artifacts or weaponry or goes into a special mode where he just glows a bit and gets buff. All of that is WAY simpler than literally anytime the witches in TOH cast magic, let alone for the big set pieces TOH likes to do. Dana’s penchant for outfit swaps doesn’t help either. After all, you work with a TEAM of animators. You have to make the notes for them of how the new outfit works on the character. Works in specific lighting. What if it gets wet? Etc. like that. That stuff takes time and money to hammer out but if you don’t do it then the character looks off model and shifts more between artists because there’s unifying document. HOW MANY OUTFIT SWAPS ARE IN SEASON 2? And how many of them are permanent, or at least for a good number of episodes, so this work is more required than a one off outfit? In general, there’s a lot about TOH honestly, from how populated it is, how it handles magic, how it handles outfits, etc. like that makes it feel honestly expensive. It’s a GOOD looking show after all but that effort, and especially those high quality set pieces that are obviously made with a high frame rate essentially (drawn on 2s or 1s instead of 3s I think is what one would say? I’m not an animator)? It could just be that it stressed its budget, Disney looked at that, looked at Covid and decided that in the long term, they didn’t want to keep spending this type of money on this show so they shortened because they had a contract with Dana that demanded 3 seasons and the specials were the closest way to ending that contract early. Those are my thoughts. My theories with what little business knowledge I have and putting myself in Disney’s shoes. One thing you might notice is that I didn’t do a quality call on it because quality very rarely matters to corporations. What matters is views, costs and profit. If quality mattered, Teen Titans Go would be dead because it is THE WORST. Like it literally teaches bad morals which is about as bad as a kid’s show can get. So why would it matter for TOH?

[the-trans-dragon]

“People wouldn’t work if they didn’t need the money to live” is absolutely false for me (and many other people), I literally have to look at the floor when I’m walking around on my breaks at work because if I look up I will see something that needs to be done and I will do it, I love organizing things and managing things, but I will be scolded for doing work outside of my specific job description.

Stocking shelves with shiny things is absolutely delightful, it is so fun to focus on Placing Things Neatly and Stashing Extra Things Nearby Neatly—and perfecting the fastest way to do that so I don’t waste a second of time—and my autism just fucking loves stocking shelves. I want to work so bad, I just want to have an iota of control over what meaningless tasks I spent all day doing.

Some personal venting:

They won’t let me though, they scold me whenever I do anything besides cashier work. I went to the occupational injury doctor and management responded by never letting me work my old job duties ever again (I had a shoulder injury because we are chronically understaffed and I was working shifts alone that should have had 5+ people, so of course my body got worn down).

Capitalism isn’t there to help anyone besides a handful of oligarchs. They make cookie-cutter jobs and hire people to fill them because it’s easiest on management, who either is too lazy to try to design jobs around the employee’s personal skill set, or because they’re also trying to do the jobs of 5 people at once and don’t have the time or energy to prioritize their employees over profits.

I don’t like my job. I perform my duties as best as I can because I care about that sort of thing despite my best efforts to stop caring, but I do want to care less. I want to slack off, I want to take slightly longer breaks to steal a few minutes of my life back, I wish I could lower my efforts and spend more time resting or doing non-work stuff.

I’d literally work 16 hour shifts happily if they’d just let me loose to do what I am best at. I’d seek out criticism at every turn, happy to hone a skill set, regardless of how it is mundane, of how it’s a useless and meaningless job. I’d be happy to toil away all day, organizing, cleaning, breaking down cardboard for recycling, moving things around, stocking shelves, doing little routine maintenance tasks on broken doors or clogged machines.

“We’re understaffed because everyone is living off their Covid checks and they’re too lazy to get a job” first of all most people used their insultingly small check to pay bills and immediately used it all; secondly I am literally mourning that I am not allowed to do my previous job duties because I want to work so badly, and you refuse to let me be anything more than a sentient Self-Checkout (which I am bad at! My autism hates it! I’m not good with small talk, or being in close proximity to strangers, or using a computer screen all day when I’m not allowed to turn down the blue light) because I got hurt when you refused to analyze why all the new hires quit within two weeks (many of the new hires were very vocal about why they quit, such as “there isn’t adequate training” and “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing”).

I spent so many lunch breaks thinking about my job. I would study the merchandise to sell it better. I would take my lunches in the warehouse to stay up-to-date on where everything was.

I spent so much time designing a specific training schedule for new hires, constantly modifying it based on what new hires were complaining about (“I don’t have to clock out for my 10 minute breaks? No one told me that. This specific machine part needs to be cleaned daily? I think someone told me that on my first day but I’m not sure… This computer has a program that can tell me if we have something in stock, so I don’t have to go wander the warehouse for 10 minutes???? Seriously?”),

I had a whole system, starting with easiest and most helpful training for the first couple of days (how to clock in/out, where to park, who to ask if you have questions, where the bathrooms are, listening for pages over the intercom so you can hear if someone is paging for you) leading to more specialized skills over the first two weeks (noting the general content of each isle on the floor and in the warehouse, where to look on the floor for understock/backstock before going to the warehouse for more product, basic introductions to the chores everyone rotates).

Now I’m not allowed to show a customer where they can find a product, because “you’re a cashier now, let the floor associates do their job.” Despite us having so few floor associates that they’ve been pulling other cashiers from their register to help, and despite the fact that those cashiers are new hires who haven’t been trained to check the computers or find things in the warehouse.

Aldjksfsk I’m just tired lol.

[fallingsunflower]

Sorry in advance but this is gonna be a long rant! Why is our society so fucked up?? I work in a hospital as a nurse and of course we’re overworked and on our limits (not because of Covid but because we’re severely understaffed in general). Why are so many nurses are such cunts and „slaves“ for their fucked up „societal standards“ and everyone and everything that is or appears different will be labeled as wrong or „not normal“?! Don’t they have their own lives to fucking care about??

Two examples: 1. we have Ukrainian war victims in our hospital and sure some of them are pretty demanding and not always the nicest but they have trauma and are in pain because they lost literally part of their body’s and their homes, family etc and will have to endure years of medical procedures. So I get not being all happy sunshine all day. But so many nurses are so vile they tell them they hope their country gets destroyed and bombed even more and how so much would only be „propaganda“ from Ukraine and how the Russians aren’t even that bad and how the Russian soldiers also have family and bla bla bla! Well guess what? Russian started the war and no one forces the Russian soldiers to fight Putins war! The ukrain people just defend themselves for the most part.

2. example: I overheard a conversation of 2 nurses and one was telling the other how she’s concerned that her 10!! year old son doesn’t have a girlfriend yet! How insane are they?? This same nurse also told how she just bought her son a gaming chair and desk for playing computer games and how he just learned to tie his shoes (at the age of 10 years old!!) because he didn’t want to earlier and only now did because he wanted a certain pair of shoes which only came with shoe laces! She also said how he often asks her to prepare him his sandwiches etc because he’s to lazy to do so. So this guy will either become some sort of Sheldon cooper (as he’s allegedly pretty smart) or some macho guy who lets his girlfriend do anything for him when he’s older! That second nurse then told the concerned „mum nurse“ how she had a neighbor girl who didn’t have a boyfriend till she was 14 and everyone including the mum of that kid thought she would never get a boyfriend and how this girl always would be by himself but all of a sudden she started to have a boyfriend and had a few boyfriends since then ( she’s only barely 16) and she’s „finally normal“ in their fucked up reality! What is wrong with people??

Hi love. No worries. You're always allowed to rant here.

First, some people just shouldn't have jobs with other people. Whether they be nurses, social workers, police officers, etc. The lack of people skills astounds me on a daily basis. The nurses saying they hope they hope those people's countries get bombed more should lose their jobs and licenses. End of story. If there was a way to report them, please do, even if it's anonymously. The damage that has on people's mental health is scary. Their lives are in their hands in more ways than one.

I'm also not sure why dating is pushed on people, especially young kids. I'm assuming it's partially a generational/conservative point of view (not applicable to everyone, of course, but just generally). Young people, specifically kids, need a change to be young. If that means dating, then okay. But if that means hanging out with friends, making stupid decisions, playing, etc. then that's perfectly healthy and normal too. I don't know why that's so hard for people to understand.

I'm sorry you're witnessing all this, and also that you're overworked. It's been crazy by me too with overworking healthcare workers, as well as teachers and aids. I wish there was a better system

[the-travelers-weight-struggle]

Day 1, Again

At the request of my therapist and best idea, we thought doing a journal again would be best.  I run into this issue where I cannot simply just... do something for myself, or compliment myself.  I look at the negatives of life and never outweigh the positives.  When the therapist made a comment about comparing two things, and only looking at the negatives, you never really weigh those options.  You’re not weighing what good those things are.  Last Thursday I got in yelled at by my boss regarding the way I type e-mails, and while I understand I am a bit curt, my job isn’t necessary ‘professional e-mail sender’ but in reality it’s just professional trainer.  And I do so well at it that I just took it too personally when in reality I could improve a little bit, and care a bit more.  

I noticed my last post was over a year ago.  That Ken was scared out of his mind about the unknown because again, he only looked at the negatives and never the positives.  Never looking at the good things that come out of it, and there are always so many good things that come out of even lifes biggest mistakes.  

But with work, I do so well at my job.  I was complimented on my trainings, co-workers are still asking for help.  Hell, I’m really fucking good at what I do, and while the praise isn’t necessarily there from the co-workers, I’m getting it from the customers.  

My girlfriend is just so wonderful too.  She’s so supportive of my life and everything I want to do and create in this world.  I don’t know how I feel about marriage again after the first one didn’t work out, and I know that we will probably get married one day for more ‘business’ reasons than love, but her and I just click.  She loves me unconditionally and I never have felt it before until I met her.  Whether we marry or not, I know she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my time with.  There are things I want to do to improve our relationship and be more intimate, and I think it just needs to take a little more time.  I think we’re both uncomfortable with the weight gain during COVID and want to work on that.  Maybe set up some goals although as I get older my sexual drive has been diminishing, and I know she has a much higher one.  I know we can get that moving again soon.

Nobody sees this.  Well nobody that I know personally.  But in reality, I like making it ‘public’ but not necessarily public to friends/family.  Minus being yelled at this week was a good week.  and I will continue to work on my goals.  I should however post the results of last week so I can keep track instead of just the photo on my phone.  I’m adding journaling to it as well but that’s starting today: SHO- 4 TTH- 1 CAL- 2 Walk/Workout/Yoga- 2 Drinks- 30 Water- 9/14

[creativecunt]

The winner vents it all.

Part 1:

Three years under an nda have left me with less time less patience, less empathy and even less friends. It’s finally time to air some honest grievances that I have tried to muddle down to nothing given that I get to paint objects as my job. I thought if I just mowed everything over and kept pursuing my dream that things would make them selves right. I was wrong for thinking anyone would truly understand what was going on in this room with the perfect view. A city Skyline to romanticize over with some quirks closer by to make you laugh off the stress of the situation. Their were many reasons I remained silent. If you were to ask me after reading any of this why would you stay? I would tell you I was being told I would be the next manager daily. Now that she’s gone… I was wrong for thinking they’d just put me in her place but instead they are now using me until I don’t matter any more. I’m sitting in my room with covid after 2 years of desperately avoiding it. I can’t help but feel wounded after this year. This year left me a multitude of issues that physically changed things for me but also emotionally fucked me up. I’m not saying their were no good moments from the year but this post is going to be about the 3 years of hell I’ve been enduring at my current work place.

If I could start anywhere I’d start at the beginning. I had driven out to queens for a job application seeking a scenic artist. Since I had been running a very small and new business but needed more steady income I figured wow this is probably the best option for me considering their are very few opportunities for painters in the commercial realm. The pay for me was good to get me started this was right before the pandemic I did not predict the sudden mass inflation we all know today. If I think about it I wish I had looked into how much people make in nyc sooner. The average is around $100,000 and trust me I was jumping into this job at what felt like maybe 1/4 of that which is bad it would determine that I’d never be able to afford rent in NY alone. So when they asked me to come on board for $20 an hour I didn’t jump but when they offered $22 I was like “it seems like they need me” coming to find out for what ever shallow reason. When I started the department was brand new and featured a lovely window to gaze out toward the city. Their was a tv with Netflix Hulu etc and I found out I’d be painting guns, swords, axes, computers, 3d prints anything a prop master could dream up I was chosen to make it match or to make it look good. So I was going to help as best I could I know a lot of things about creating a successful project and i was going to make it known! Or so I thought.

Introducing the “manager” a small blonde girl wearing a science lab coat. She was eager to show me her sculpture that she made a number of large castings of. Very detailed. She was at first kind and told me that she loved that cute little Japanese egg character the one that looks like this…

But isn’t that… lol

Anyway she’s the villain here so pay attention people because I found out every time she tried to assaniate my character, said something to me that was suspicious, said something rude under her breath, tried to make me feel bad about anything or when she would flat out tell me to my face to fuck off if I disagreed all, of those moments I found out were genuinely true because they were moments coming from someone who was jealous of me and a control freak. Finally 3 years later this chapter is over because she quit after getting written up twice and now she has a house in Jersey. I also forgot to mention it was far worse than just abuse she was also taking credit for my work while I had a fractured tibia.

Their is so much more I’m going to say but covid has me winded so I need to take a break. But I’ll be back for part 2

[cheekycherry20]

So many mental changes and life themes have been popping up for me. I know when things no longer serve, I can understand my emotions without negative self talk, and although I’m not the best at putting things into action. I’m very well aware of my flaws.

Flaws being me being on my phone too often (I HAVE stopped with directly checking it after I wake up do for at least an hour), being quick to react, depending on social media/food/ and people for dopamine, spreading negativity, and lack of presence. I’ve been doing my best to stop these, but I’ve never been the best at creating plans and sticking to them. I could blame my ADHD but I’m over that, it’s no longer going to be my excuse. I’m holding myself accountable from now on.

My work life has gotten significantly worse. My boss told me a couple things I’ve been doing wrong. Like I’m too loud( volume control has never been something I’m good at), when I speak to parents I’m rude (I can admit my delivery is not the best) but the worst one is that I’m “punishing my kids”. My coworker thought I was threatening my kid but I would never have ill or abusive intentions with my children. I noticed recently with my drop in motivation and will to keep going that im sharp tongued and haven’t been as kind as I know I can be, but to think I’m capable of what she thought I was doing is a stab to the heart. I pride myself on being the opposite of what I saw and heard as a child.

When I heard the feedback I didn’t offer any rebuttals because who would believe me. I made sure to stay calm as possible and I left the room the same way. The moment I got alone, I cried. “How can they say such mean things about me”? This whole time my coworkers were smiling in my face, listening to me talk about my mental health knowing exactly why I’m not feeling myself. I picked apart the things I knew to be true, and I will work on it. I’m proud of myself for not blowing the situation out of proportion and causing a scene. But I mean it when I say “FUCK THEM”! They’re incredibly quick to tell me all my wrongs, but not what I’m doing right.

I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to present myself when I go back to work. I could continue to try to kiss up to the higher ups (who’ve never liked me and go out of their way to ignore me), but I don’t want to be liked by people I don’t even like. I could match their energy but I hate doing that. I don’t want to put anymore negativity out if I don’t need to, as well as it doesn’t feel like me.

All of this started because we’re all tired. My small support system (3 other coworkers who aren’t higher ups) have been fed up for months, but now everyone is catching up to how we feel. Kids come in sick ( EVERYONE got Covid because my boss accepta sick children), the boss is almost never in, parents stretch the truth, it’s all too much. Being at the clinic has made me understand why I love kids and my job, but I can’t do it because it’s almost like high school. I genuinely feel like I’m being picked on often, but I’m not allowed to speak on it. I have no motivation and I feel the happiness and will to live being sucked out of me every time I step in the building.

My job pays my rent so I’m forcing myself to tough it out. I don’t know if life is teaching me lessons or showing me something, but I threw in the towel a long time ago. I read somewhere that the universe doesnt allow good things to happen in spaces where you’re not supposed to be and I’m hoping thats it. My suicidal mindset has come back but in more of a mature way. I know I don’t actually want to die, my soul is just tired and lacking motivation to keep trying. I want someone to save me or give me a handout but that’s not happened and I’m ok with that.

I’m taking it day by day as best as I can. But what’s living like this. Under these conditions. I was not born to work all the time with no time to think for myself. I want to go out and have fun without worrying about pto. In the end everything will be fine but I want to feel ok NOW.

[myshoppingadventures]

My Shopping Addiction

I know I haven’t done much of anything with this blog. But my shopping adventures has been really a roll coaster of emotions. In the last three years I developed a shopping habit to the point of recurring debt.

I never thought I would fall into the credit card trap but now I am in a hole. A hole that depleted my savings & left me at square one again. Especially during a time where the economy has triple everything. And my dream of owning my first property seems even further away.

It’s actually started during my last job. Five years ago I was in a good place with my job, my relationship (well at least I hoped) & my finances were stellar. Not anywhere over middle class but not broke either. But I had a budget, I was occupied being happy & when I did shop it wasn’t out of control. If I didn’t need it, I knew how to walk away. For travel & special occasions I saved then spent. Also I was in an balanced economic & situation where I could save & spend.

Then in 2020 I got fired because my job was laying off people & putting all the work on the rest of us & I couldn’t come into work without the look of pure unhappiness. So three strikes of mistakes & they wanted me to quit & give them two weeks but I told them to fire me instead.

Next month my ex girlfriend broke up with me, officially anyways. And it devastated me. I was so in love with her. I was disrespectful to her at the wrong time but she didn’t really love me to begin with either. So during that wrong time I lashed out. I should have left her after our first lease was over. After the first break up. #Lesbiandrama

When all that happened back to back, Covid was still present & annoying; I decided to fuck off a lot of things. I had a nice saving & decided to live in my car. I didn’t want another boss. I was fed up with corporate America. So fed up with having face to face with management & corporations that could care less about you. Our lease was also ending & I didn’t want to pay rent for nobody else. I didn’t want another relationship. I was tired of falling for someone that didn’t never love me in return. It was a waste of my time & I don’t want to feel heartbroken ever again.

So I made the leap to be single & houselessness in my car. I didn’t want to go back to my mother’s in my home state. I still had to pay my car note & insurance & didn’t want to leave Atlanta. Even though I wanted to travel. I thought I just travel in my car. But I ended up taking money from my 401k & saw all that money all at once in my checking account & I went crazy shopping. Emotional shopping.

I took a lot out to pay off my car note. But I decided to stay up North at the time & I needed to get a check to pay my car note in the amount of more than $5000. But I ended up buying food, shopping at Windsor & bought mostly ever summer dress they had on the rack. I just went on a spending spree like I had just won the lottery.

I tried to rationalize with myself that I can make the money back once I got a job I liked. I told myself the dream of getting a rental property was over. I was with my old company for five years & it disgusted me that I had to start all over again. To get any kind of home loan you have to be on the job at least two years. I said welp. I am not ready for a job right now. So I spent my savings.

Then I reopened my credit card. I started for one reason, I needed my car’s tire changed. I got a blowout. At this time I didn’t have the money & I lived in my car so I justified it as I needed the work done to live in my car. Then I used it for a rental car because I didn’t want to put miles on my car to Florida because at this point I have been constantly driving for Amazon.

I didn’t remember how fast money goes. I developed a habit/high of walking into a Marshalls or TJMaxx everyday because either I was bored in my car or didn’t want any people to see me in my car or I didn’t know where to go. I created a daily shopping habit for months. And it adds up, $20 here, $80 there, sometimes over $200. It was bad.

Since then I finally gotten a position of employment I enjoy. But it came too late. I depleted my savings. Still hadn’t paid off my car & I have two huge credit card debt. And now I am paying rent which I avoided for two years & went shopping instead. In fact I used that excuse. I said to myself “Well this money would have went to rent anyways”.

Living in my car didn’t have me save for anything. It’s one of those harsh life lessons that I wish I could go back & change. I definitely have to start from rock bottom again. Now with debt.

One would think to be smarter or doing better. But addiction mean addiction. I don’t need a therapist, I just have to believe & change my behavior. I have to want to save & build up my finances!

But, at the same time, I never saw the point of working just to pay bills. I can get me a little, tiny, make-myself-feel-good-present budget & also put into savings what I spend. But the rising cost of rent, food & gas & credit card bills makes me fucking upset. You would think the restraints of those factors should help curve my spending. It doesn’t. I still get carried away & don’t save. But honestly, I can do better. I just need to do the best I can & push myself to be better.

[lenakluthor]

okay i just literally said to my dog “i should start talking to myself more. might as well practice with myself so i’m not an idiot around people!” and that has spurred on such a depressing spiral that i need to get my thoughts out somewhere, so very depressing personal vent post under the cut. you’ve been warned.

okay so this all started because i read a fic that had such an unsatisfying ending, i was yelling about it. actually yelling. and it felt good to speak words out loud. i’ve spent the majority of my time unemployed (so the last four months) alone. in my house. in complete silence. and i didn’t really realize how much that affected me until i started talking. so then i just started talking to myself, and then my dog. and verbalizing to myself that maybe i need to practice having conversations, even if it’s with my own damn self, made me kind of snap. i immediately followed up with, “oh my god i am going insane.” and then i started thinking about covid and quarantine. how this is not the first time i’ve been isolated. only, it’s worse.

during quarantine, i still had friends. i hadn’t yet lost my ride or die, facetime multiple times a day, share everything with her, best friend. she hadn’t yet asked me if i had feelings for her. i hadn’t yet told her that i wasn’t sure if what i was feeling was romantic or if i was just confused because for once, i had someone who cared about me. i had a fucking friend that i could do all those things with. she hadn’t unceremoniously kicked me to the curb the second i got in the way of her godawful boyfriend. and because that hadn’t happened yet, i hadn’t yet cut myself completely off from the world. i literally have not made a single new friend since our fallout. in 2021.

so anyway, all that to say quarantine was good. it was fun. the circumstances sucked, but i wasn’t alone. i facetimed friends all the time. i got a welcome break from my retail job. i was picking up new hobbies. and once more for emphasis, i had friends.

this time, though? losing my job effectively cut me off from the rest of the world. i have no friends in my area. my best friend from childhood didn’t even remember my birthday in november. and i am so fucked up and insecure about everything that went down with lilly (the ex best friend mentioned above), that i stopped letting people in. she wasn’t the first person to just drop me when i got to be too much. in fact, every single best friend i’ve ever had has, rather abruptly, ended our friendships. so when lilly did it to me in 2021, i just. stopped trying. except now here i am, in 2024, completely alone. and without my job to get me out of the house, i don’t leave.

my mom constantly wants to badger me about losing weight. to the point that i’ve convinced myself it is literally all anyone sees about me. pair that with losing every friend i’ve ever had? i slowly stopped leaving my house. losing my job was the last straw. i’ve barely left my house in four months. in fact, the only thing i’ve left my house for is acting classes.

i’m rambling and not talking about what i really wanted to talk about, which is: this isolation is worse than quarantine. i’m not isolated because i have to be. i’m isolated because i have no one near me. my closest online friendships are great and i treasure them, but it’s not the same. i’m too afraid and insecure and, honestly, scared to leave my house and go out into the world by myself. and realizing that i’ve barely even spoken in the last four months broke something in my brain.

i don’t know how i got here. i don’t know when my depression and anxiety took over my life so completely that i became terrified of the world around me. i used to do things. i used to have friends. i used to believe, adamantly, that my job on this earth was to give love to other people. but now? the worst depressive episode of my life cost me my job. i’ve been applying and applying and can’t get another one. i spend every day alone in silence at my house because i have no friends and i don’t know how to make new ones. and even if i did, i’m too afraid to try. i am in hell. i am going crazy, completely isolated, and there is absolutely no reason for it. except, how am i supposed to pull myself out of this. I AM COMPLETELY ALONE. and i’ve been dealing with everything alone for so long that i just. i can’t do it alone anymore. and that’s so upsetting because i want more than anything to build myself a community but i don’t fucking know how to do it.

so instead, i’ve spent four months in my house. silent. with nobody to talk to. and i’m not saying i haven’t talked to people. i have a couple very very dear online friends. but i don’t have anyone to literally speak to. out loud. nobody to come over on a whim. nobody to just randomly go to target with or bring along just to get groceries. nobody to go visit and just sit around getting stoned and watching tv or doing something completely unexciting. and it fucking sucks. and i just. i don’t know how much longer i can live like this and i don’t know how to pull myself out.

my life is so depressing and the worst part is, i desperately want to fix it. but it’s been four months and here i am, talking to myself just so i don’t forget how to speak. having conversations with my dog just so i’m not rusty when i actually see real people.

how the FUCK did i get here?

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

[judaschair]

massive train of thought, just need to get it out:

i still don’t know what to do about work like everything has a pro and a con i want to work in my department so bad but if that means the next two weeks are gonna effect my mental heath that much its not worth it not only is there no way of knowing if ill be kept on the tema after the season i still don’t know when ill be moving i don’t understand why there are no jobs hiring that need my skill set i thought no one wanted to work so where the fuck are the job applications huh this all feels like a punch in the face i am a good worker i love organizing but for some reason these jobs knowing that keep taking me out of positions i they’ve in only to put me in a spot where i don’t do well so it stresses me out i am in such a life shift right now but i feel like im stuck in the past living in the house i did in high school and working a job i took during my first gap year i keep leaving but then i get scared and go right back to what i know i love upstate new york but i can’t stay here any longer i feel like every day is the same the only days i feel like things are different or could change is when im out of town or super high i just don’t get anything right now i need to start working towards my career but working 33 hours a week is not giving me enough time to do this the only time i feel like myself is when i have artistic things going on which is why i work in the makeup store in the first place i know no one wants to work a meaningless job but i can’t mentally make myself do this i have to get that stupid degree even though god i don’t want to go back to college moving to vegas and studying there sounds so scary but i need to do something anywhere i really want to study is out of reach due to money i wish i didn’t worry about it so much my mom is telling me she would rather me work on my art and volunteer before i leave but then i have no money to create the art or go anywhere or do anything looking for a job seems useless because no one in walking distance is hiring i still can’t drive an di can’t even start to learn until i move because its snowing here and im already so scared to drive i really don’t think ice will make me feel better i wish i could have done so many things differently so many things i did could have been prevented if i just grew the fuck up i fully think this all leads back to me not being in the same mind set as my peers i haven’t had my first kiss i hadn’t smoked weed until i was twenty one i didn’t party until i was 21 and i feel so behind i feel like im still in high school it wasn’t even covid like so many other people i was in college when covid hit and the fall semester of 2020 i was fully in person i don’t know what to do to fix this i know i need to see someone but i can’t get into a therapist or anything the only way to get pushed up on a waitlist is to go to the hospital but i am trying to avoid that at all costs i literally don’t know what to do i feel like leaving this job on such bad terms is self destructive but i can’t keep doing this i dropped out in september because of a mental breakdown and everyone in my family is acting like that didn’t happen like im being dramatic now i can’t physical tell them what is going on in my head because dear lord i hate crying and being vulnerable its gross to me and makes me want to puke i just feel so lost i need to start over every time i say that someone says you go everywhere with yourself and like i get that but i need a new environment i can’t keep feeling like this forever or forever isn’t gonna be very long i might be delusional but i dint think i want that much out of life all i want is a tiny one bedroom aparentemente with my dog a job in the field im studying and a car so i can travel and see new things that is so much less than what the stupid american dream promised i truly feel like none of that will ever happen when i see the future its black there is nothing there i dont see a way to get out of this and i have no way of getting the resources to see a way out of this im not even gonna lie if i didn’t like my family

and if i didn’t have my dog i would not even be writing this but i feel so trapped i don’t know what to do i feel like im always letting people down because i know what i can do i know what i want to do and i feel like no one sees my vision i had originally wanted to use social media to work my way up but i’ve grown to hate it i’ve grown to despise tik tok and the constant shelling out for products the ramped consumerism its all making me sick i dont want to have to promot myself online what even happened to hanging up posters for shows what happened to word of mouth what happened to small bands playing local places its a thing that has been pushed out of small towns and now its only in the cities as much as i love my small town life i can’t do this i need community maybe that’s what im having an issue with outside of school i have no one i am alone i can’t get to anywhere my friends are like i could in nyc or both portlands that’s why im trying to head to vegas start new they have a growing punk scene and a weird amount of goths i feel like im always between things i feel like i can’t build a commingle here because i dont see a life for myself here i want to go somewhere where i can grow with a community why would i build a name for myself somewhere and then leave that’s where im at god im just so sick of everything and how everything works the theme of this is that im confused and i dont know what to do i feel so lost so alone and i am making myself sick with all of this shit when i was little i wanted to be a pop star because i knew i was already an artist i want to be creative i want to show the world i can do anything i can be the next great but i dont see a world where that type of figure exists i know now success is easier to get but stars are gone anyone can be famous in a corner i feel like no one is gonna have lasting power too much over saturation of a market so much nostalgia bait god i just want it to stop i want to the world to stop for five fucking seconds so we can catch up fuck covid fuck working fuck having no rights i just dont understand anything i want to learn i want to succeed but it feels so out of reach nothing seems possible i dont understand how people my age have degrees have kids whats so wrong with me that i can’t get there why am i the one having issues did being poor not hinder me enough there are so many what ifs that could lead me to never being able to support myself so many things can be pulled out from under me fuck im so fucking lost i have to quit that job i have to put everything i can into my art but how will i support myself until i move how will i have money for the move what am i gonna do i want to cry saving money isn’t something poor people get to do its just not i want to bash my head against a wall until it all stops i can eat i feel so sick all i want to do is to disappear for this go away fro a while and come back when things feel more hopeful when things feel light again no matter what i am in new york until february and i dont know what to do to make the most of this maybe i do need to take the time to not work but that puts such a burden on everyone im gonna delete instagram from my phone like i did with tiktok and try to focus on doing what i want with less outside  influences FUCK as im deleting it i see someone who went to a school i dropped out of photographed lana damnit i know they aren’t my age but like come on i just feel so stuck so trapped in an echo chamber everyone i know agrees with me which i get and i appraise but fuck we all need a back bone im gonna delete my youtube make a new one seek out new stuff im just so over this i need to clean out everything i can start as new as i can now delete emails re edit my pinterest boards go thought who im following and unfollow people i need to make this clean and correct and what i want god what the hell im just so ahhhhhhhhhh maybe i will go on to be a famous photographer maybe ill become a teacher maybe ill go into tattooing maybe ill be a curator maybe ill own a little record store maybe ill go to beauty

school maybe at school i’ll find my twin flame not in the cult way by the way and my whole life will change maybe maybe maybe i just dont know okay let me just write what i WANT to do as of this moment i want to work on my art and move out west the only reason i want to stay at my job is because i like my department and the people i work with also money is nice but i can always apply to makeup store in vegas once i learn how to drive i think of everything as per in it even though nothing is minus my tattoos still waiting to regret one when i get to vegas i wont be able to bring my dog for a little which really hurts especially because she is sleeping so cute next to me i have had to leave her for a coupes months before and i know she loves my mom and grandma but i know she misses me when i have to leave god it makes me feel like shit but ill look for a job in waking distance from my aunts place and if i can’t find one ill have to take the scary bus but who knows i’ll work PART TIME not this 33 hours a week that is more than i was in school in nyc that is not part time to me and ill see if my aunt will tech me to drive and once im a little better behind the wheel we can get me a driving teacher from there i will stay in vegas for six months to become a nevada citizen and the go to unlv for fine arts i want to be in school i want to learn i want this degree because the more im forced into the real world the more i learn that in order to be taken seriously you need a degree hopefully my grandparents or mom will move out there like planned and i can pay rent to them them so i can have a stable place and be able to have my dog with that ill start saving for a car and then my own place if my other family doesn’t join i want to work on getting into the vegas scene not only art but music i can start shooting underground shows like i did in new york im sure someone in vegas needs weird photography maybe i could get a job photographing at some tourist trap or wedding chapel i could find someone to learn to tattoo under or maybe someone will take me on as a photo appurtenance god i need to work on my art i haven’t had a single good shoot idea since starting my job im just so focused on what i could do at work what is there to tidy and what new products feel like i want to work somewhere that i dont dream about somewhere that doesn’t cause me so much stress that it makes me physically sick but i feel like im letting down my meager there she has been begging for me to come back since i had to quit to go to school this whole thing has made me so fucking upset i mean of course im writing this install long nonsense piece on my tumblr blog in the year 2023 like of course im upset i just dont know what’s left i have such big dreams but at the same time i feel like those dreams are wasted and i dont have time to do anything im sick of doom and gloom i want to be happy i want to feel normal i want to be just like other girls i want to fall in love i want a home i want a fulfilling job i want the life i know i deserve.

[britt-thats-it]

Being back on tumblr is so nice. It’s like I never left (except I can’t remember everyone I used to follow/they probs left too).

(feelsies under the cut)

I only left because this couple I almost dated (who took my not dating them very hard) sort of cyber stalked me here. I kept making new accounts and they kept finding them and showing them to everyone in the scene we were all part of and following all the people I was mutuals with and it was… not cool.

Anyway, I’ve been really struggling with grief since quarantine. I had a huge falling out with my sister who I had been living with for the last 4 years. Her lack of recovery was badly interfering with my recovery and I was so deeply triggered by her behavior that I was barely functioning. I was in a constant state of flared up, in so much pain every day, even laying down was uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to eat bc my reflux was going crazy, I was starting to drink too much (something I hadn’t struggled with in years), I wasn’t sleeping. The pressure of being home together all the time took its toll.

Coincidentally, divine timing being what it is, my partner and I were spending hours on the phone every day. Just falling so in love. We’d already been together for almost a year, but her two other relationships falling apart, career change, and my chronic illness and not remembering how to be in a relationship (lol— it had been a LONG time and I was fully down to spend the rest of my life alone) kept us at a bit of a distance. We had been very close friends for a couple years beforehand, so when we took things to a romantic level, the feelings progressed quickly but we just didn’t have much time for each other. Anyway, she invited me to come stay with her. I was only planning on 2 weeks, but I literally never left. Everything just felt so easy and sweet. We handle each other with such care. Over the last 3 years my life has become a kind of stable that I’ve never (I mean NEVER) experienced. I love it and I am so grateful for it.

But I remember from my trauma-filled childhood, the survival mode of the present puts off the feelings for later. It isn’t until you have a calm moment that the feelings about what you just went through hit you.

The last 7 years hit me like an 18 wheeler. Going no contact with my family, living on the road, losing my job and being homeless, moving to nyc on a wing and a prayer, living with my sister and reliving A lot of my childhood through her behaviors, struggling through the capitalist ass New York art scene as an autistic person while also being very poor, working my fucking ass off, *just* about to hit my stride and do this fuckin career thang and boom. Covid.

I made an album, collaborated on a friend’s album, started my podcast and wrote a book. I’m in the middle of making another album. All this while feeling myself really trust someone, really learn what partnership means, really feeling like an adult, but also feeling so so wounded. The grief has been the heaviest thing I’ve ever felt. I lost myself a little bit. Insert bloody goopy chrysalis metaphor here.

I did all this but not joyfully, not really. Something was missing.

I have been trying, in the last few months, to unironically find my bliss again. I lost my sparkle, I lost my drive. I really feel like I experienced my own metaphorical death. I was anxious and raw, I second-guessed every interaction because I felt like I didn’t know how to be a person. I was completely sober!! Just fucking raw dogging life!!! I was scared all the time. I forgot my passions, I forgot my purpose. I still worked on stuff, I still created (a lot that I’m proud of!!) but idk I just wasn’t the same free-spirited confident lil powerhouse I came to know myself to be.

I think I gave too much on other social media. I think I was too vulnerable and too available and it got me into trouble. I think I confused work for life and I soured my own creation process for me. It became too important. Every hobby, every passion became kindling for money making or making “it” or whatever. I forgot how to have fun. I burnt myself out.

I recently started remembering hobbies I had that I never shared with anyone irl. Exercise/weight lifting, which I picked back up again in February, slowly testing the waters to see if my disordered relationship to it would return, it didn’t. Feeling myself getting stronger being exactly what I needed (literally and metaphorically) and all the good stuff that does to my confidence. Playing music just for fun, just sitting down with an instrument and playing 😫 locking myself in a room and flitting around like a mad scientist creating something I love 😫 dancing 😫 meditation 😫 journaling 😫 pulling tarot cards just for me 😫 and finally, longing for connection of some sort; for actual vulnerability and not people just fucking marketing themselves all the time— I remembered how much tumblr helped me. How much it inspired me. How it helped me become the person who made all those scary changes, who learned who I am and learned how to walk away. So much good came from that decade I spent here, so I decided to come back.

It’s exactly what I needed.