#not an awful start ig
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Heist of The Heart || Chapter 1
Deckard Shaw x OC
Word Count: 1002
Summary: Secrets never stay hidden for long but as old foes threaten to ruin all she holds dear, Sterling Jones seeks help from the most unlikely candidate. Ex-British Special Forces member Deckard Shaw.
CHAPTER WARNING: Swearing
A/N: If you have seen my stuff on other places (ao3 specifically), you'll know that I love to color code the characters. So starting here I will be color-coding them since it's an option! Now for context story-wise, this will be taking place after FoTF but before H&S. Because we love (Villain to Hero) character development. (And the distrustful enemies to lovers vibes....)
TAGLIST:
Let me know if you’d like to be added to the list!
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Sterling sat at the desk towards the back of the empty office building, impatiently tapping her fingers on the laminated surface, her eyes glued to the blacked-out phone screen in front of her. Each second that ticked by felt like an eternity as she waited for a call back from an old friend. Not like her entire existence depended on this phone call or anything. The voicemail she had left had been pretty clear, or as clear as she could make it without giving any information away to whoever happened to hear it.
“Mr. Parker, this is about that silver jewelry set you left in our care, the items in question are too tarnished to distinguish the type of alloy used. If you could give us a call back whenever you are available, we hope you have a good day.”
Tej being the nerd he was would have no problem guessing who had left the message, he never was one for jewelry outside the occasional necklace or wristwatch. Maybe a ring if he was pushing it. On top of that, she doubted he would place them in someone else's care when he was such a meticulous person himself. He also owed her a favor for a job he had roped her into several years back, so the least he could do was hear her out. No harm in that right?
BZZZT. BZZZT.
The echoing buzz of her phone on the desk stopped her thoughts in their tracks, her fingers fumbling as she struggled to unlock the device and answer it. Seeing an unlisted number pop up could be cause for concern just as easily as it could be for hope. She took a breath, steeling herself as she answered, partially unsure who would be on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Nice try Sterling. It’s been a bit since you’ve left any sort of code call so why don’t we just jump into it? What’s so important that you can’t discuss it on my personal number?”
“Well I’ve got a job to do and I need your skills to pull it off.”
“SJ…”
“Tej, please. I wouldn’t be asking if I could handle this by myself. Besides, you owe me.”
The line stayed silent for several minutes as the other was thinking things over however the lack of response made her wonder if the man had hung up on her. Not that she could blame him. She waited, her stomach doing flips as she debated on calling out to him, however, she heard a sigh on the other end, relief washing over her like a tidal wave.
“You know I’ve got your back whenever you need me. Same place as always?”
“No. Not safe. Dom and Letty are moving out to the other place for the renovation, right? We’ll meet at the old house.”
“Is this something I should be worried about? Cause if you’re pulling me into some shit then you can-”
“Tej. I can tell you the details but it has to be at the house alright? I’m counting on you.”
Having said all she could, Sterling hung up the call, tucking the phone into her back pocket. She dug around the office space grabbing a pen as well as tearing off a scrap of paper from the notepad on the carpeted floor. She knew she needed a backup if they had been overheard on her end and she wasn’t going to actively put Tej in harm's way if she didn’t need to. At most all she needed was maybe thirty minutes alone with the man to pick his brain and lay out a plan. Possibly build a few devices to assist during the mission and if he chose to step away after that then she could handle it herself. She would have to.
Making her way down into the building's parking garage, she scribbled out a message on the scrap of paper “Destroy the phone. And by the way, no one likes the Tuna.” Satisfied with it, she made her way over to the tesla she was supposed to be driving. She put both the note and her phone in the driver's seat and set the auto pilot's coordinates to Dom’s house. After double-checking the ankle weights she attached to the steering wheel, she hit start and shut the door, watching the vehicle back out of the parking space and take off.
“Here we go…”
Knowing everything was now out of her hands, Sterling left the parking garage, and headed towards the old sandwich shop where everything seems to have started. Even if Tej didn’t get the message she had left, Dom and Letty would know right off the bat, so she had no doubt that at least one of the three would show up to meet her. Most likely at gunpoint, but it was better than no one coming at all.
~~~~~ Sterling sat at the bar, roughly an hour or so after she had made the initial call, wondering what was taking so long. Presumably, Tej had arrived at Dom’s after her own car and discussed the off-the-wall phone call they had. Pair that with the note she had left them and boom, an instant recipe for concerned friends coming to pay a visit. Maybe Dom and Letty weren’t home? Even so, it would be hard to think Tej wouldn’t just call Dom and ask what it meant. Hell, it was Dom and Mia’s shop, their name was on the damn building. Not to mention Mia always went on to all the newbies about how the tuna wasn’t very good.
Getting up from her seat, she was about ready to give in and just walk back to her motel room. Fuck the others she could plan the heist herself. It wouldn’t be the greatest of ideas but at this point, it was all she had left and she was running out of what little time she had left.
“You wouldn’t be leaving without paying for that shitty sandwich would you?”
#well here we are#not an awful start ig#fast cars#fanfic#please forgive me#deckard shaw#i will die on this hill
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#was looking for some fics with these two#I imagine this is one of their first interactions and Hunter is already fed up with Darius#but Darius is just trying to get to know the successor of his mentor and check if he's at least a little bit capable of doing his job#he's also a little weirded out by the similarity between these two#basically I imagine Darius gave him a couple of vibe checks that Hunter had failed#and Hunter takes it as questoning his place in the coven#god darius design is so pink and awful#it's so jover uni starts tommorow#it's like the most boring drawing ever but I'm just still in my I have to get better at backgrounds era#and also if I'll draw 100 awful things I get a decent one eventually#it's like inktober but lasts your whole life and devours your soul in the process#no caption just pure tags now I understand those few people who keep reblogging all my tags cuz I give all the fucking context there#there's probably like 10 things I would spot tommorow that would fix the drawing a whole bunch but I just ...don't want to ig#the owl house#sheerak#the golden guard#darius deamonne#hunter toh#toh hunter#hunter deamonne#toh fanart#the owl house fanart#dadrius#not yet but#you guys most fellow toh fanartists moved on and fanart fiona and cake but I keep brainrotting the same stuff over and over#good old toh trashpile
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oh to be a geologist w/ a gorgeous wife and two beautiful boys,,
#man time to start up s1 ig lol#dndads#dungeons and daddies#henry oak garcia#mercedes oak garcia#lark oak garcia#sparrow oak garcia#mack stop drawing at awful hours challenge: failed (it's almost 5am)#i do work evenings so its not the worst just not ideal lol#dndads odyssey#my artwork
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this is my naruto oc age 12 and age like 15 lmao she goes through it
#naruto oc#sora#eddy's art#digital art#dont rly wanna tag this too much lmao jst wanted to share it...#i love heeer basically its naruto universe bc i love it but like no naruto characters except like important figures ig#and a war starts jst before she graduates and gets to be put in a team#THIS SPECIFIC concept is . def stolen from still waters by vulpeca_et_anser on ao3 !#amazing sakura centered fic#anyway. going to war at 12 and shes like aw yeah ! i can prove myself ! except that war isnt pretty#jst a big ol hurt no comfort for a while#and then its all about healing once she's like 16 and back and cant do anything else than fight and is put in a shinobi team#i have her two other teammates but not their leader yet...#anyway. green haired girliepop#her name is sora ! her two teammates are masao and kosuke !
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I dreamt that Etho and Tango went on a mining trip on HC and then got trapped in some kinda horror game and it was awful and I'd like to know why .did I dream that
#I was Tango POV for some reason and for some reason he had to do all the most dangerous stuff while Etho waited back. thanks#it was so awful. I think Tango had a gun.?? And he had to shoot at mobs in one puzzle#but then progressively more fucked up looking monsters like just actual decomposing human faces started to appear and they were immune ig#And then I dreamt that I parked my car somewhere and then searched the entire city trying to find it again#blabber
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thinking so so hard about LaughingStock and how that'd go down. disastrously, probably
#and ill talk about it at Length in the tags until tumblr cuts me off like a rowdy drunk after last call#please keep in mind this is all in my Brain and relationship dynamics etc are all technically speculation. anyway#so while franklydear is your more classic 'oh no im in love with him! / aw shucks im in love with him<3'#laughingstock is 'feelings what feelings / oh shit oh fuck this is bad'#to Me.#in my mind howdy is completely oblivious to his emotions#he's out here like 'gotta get the store impressively neat & shiny for barnaby! and everyone else' without blinking an eye#he starts assembling barnaby and wally's dogs slower an slower so that barnaby has to hang around a smidge longer than usual#he's out here giggling at barnaby's jokes while sweeping Hours or Days after the joke was told like a lovesick idiot#all while being like Ah Yes Barnaby My Dear Friend. My Platonic Buddy Whose Jokes I Laugh At A Little Too Hard. Platonically.#meanwhile barnaby Realizes his own feels. has a minor crisis. goes through the 12 stages of grief and absolutely panics#he's like 'ok just gotta play it cool. normal. dont be weird. he'll fall for your natural charm in no time'#'ill hold all of my feelings right here until i die or howdy reciprocates. i just cant tell anyone about this.'#'....hey wally you can keep a secret right'#and rizzes it up yk. rolls a nat 20 on charisma every time without howdy even realizing it. ig barns rolled for stealth too#and from barnabys pov its going great!#howdy is flirting back! hes showing all the signs! when eddie views their interactions he comes to barnaby later and is like A+ gay as fuck#so barnaby is a soft pining mess and howdy is Absurdly Oblivious despite being a clever & observant guy#so im imagining (will freely admit that this Train of Thought is slightly inspired by the latest chapter of Stamps by Indigopoptart)#that eventually barnaby is Confident in their budding relationship ok. hes ready to ask howdy out.#everyone who Knows (wally & eddie) are like Go For It He Clearly Loves You#and when barnaby tells howdy. howdys like 'ohhhh geez um im really flattered 🥺 but i dont feel the same 😔😭'#cue barnaby turning into the 'never again' meme while trying to laugh it off and pretend like he didnt just have his heart mr starked#so he goes home to smoke his pipe and cry and howdy goes about his day feeling Strange#why cant he stop thinking about that confession. what are these emotions. i mean its not as if hes in love with Ohhhhhh No. Oh No.#so howdy has his 'holy shit! im in love with barnaby! (lovestruck. swooning) ....Holy Shit I Rejected Barnaby (horrified. nauseous)' moment#cue howdy expecting barnaby to come by in the morning as per Routine so they can talk. he Doesnt. cue howdy stressing the fuck out over it#meanwhile wally sally (eddie sent her in his place. hes too busy) and barnaby are having a girls day (eating ice cream and watchin romcoms)#eventually barnaby hears that howdy has been Dropping The Ball and cant not check on him. cue emotional heart-2-heart outside the bodega#this is all very specific but its in my brain. these scenarious lull me to sleep every night lately
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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when freedom is in sight!!!!!!!!
#(aka it’s my last day of work!!!!!!!!! i can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!)#it’s like 2.30 in the am rn and i have to get up in less than 4 hours but. still!!!!!#im too happy to sleep lmao i feel like a kid on christmas eve again#this weirdass company culture says that we (the leavers) have to treat everyone to pizza or sth#isn’t it usually the other way round though? shouldn’t they be treating the leavers as a show of gratitude for their hard work?#but eh. the place is filled with cheapskates who only think about working us to the bone for the sake of their profits (i think)#so ✨s o r r y✨ dear managers no treats for you~~~~~ im giving ind*m*e (censored for copyright) to my immediate colleagues only~~~~~~#you can always feel free to treat me though~~~~~ :)))) my wallet is always open for donations dear managers o’ mine~~~#(this manager who expects me to treat everyone also outright refused when i asked her to treat me to beef wellington though :( sads :( )#(i worked sooooooooooo hard for you over the past couple o’ years and i dont even get free beef wellington~~~? :( )#but euuuugghhhhhhhhh since the team lead’s on leave today ig i’ll be the one in charge for the morning shift today too…#but it’s my last day~~~~ i wanna relaxxxxxxxxxx (<-same person who took a short nap on the clock earlier)#anyways!!!!!! i’ll finally have time for idol sengen after this aw yissssssssss wait for me asuna-chan im almost freeeeeeee#though. speaking of idol sengen… im still waffling about whether to have asuna drop swear words during the [spoiler] scene…#i mean. it’d make sense in terms of context/how abrasive she was being but. she’s an idol!!!!!!! choices man..#well. i guess that it’s retirement-me’s problem to think about lol. i need to get through just 1 day of work first!!!!!!#‘it’s starting to sound like you quit your job to tl idol sengen—’ n-noooooooo~~~? totally not i s w e a r!!!!
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The Brown Estate
" Emmett L. Brown, last surviving member of the Brown family after the events of the fire."
#tw: fire#ik i was JUST like “aw why where they so mean to him?” *procedes to give him more trauma through an AU*#mcflyjuly#“The brown estate” if it was what I thought actually happened w/ it burning down etc.#sorry about that Doc <:)#poor doc#bttf is such a goofy silly haha movie were nothing bad wver gappens to the main characters#back to the future#bttf#back to the future fanart#emmett brown#marty mcfly#doc brown#so I can think of a couple of reason the firw would've started in the 30s#1. Edna took the break up too personally#2. something in Emmett's lab went rougue and caused a fire#3. the oven was left on or something more likely ig#slay#just pretend tumblr didnt destory the quality ;-;#back to the future telltale#back to the future art#back to the future the game#doctor emmett brown#bttf art#bttf fanart#bttf au#art :p#harassynth is a federal crime mr corleone
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every time I see a bsd roleplay blog my day is inevitably ruined
#˙˙˙ 𝐈.ᴅʟᴇ ...#THEYRE. SO BAD. THEYRE SO OOC. BRO......#please god at least read the wiki for the character. they aren't the best way to read about the characters but fuck it'd be better then yall#please god dazai would not post about his feelings and about how he's having a “bad day” bro would NOT vent to his coworkers#let alone chuuya. um. hello. im chill with skk as much as the next guy but oh my god at least remember they dont love each other they just#have the freaky ass soul bond thang#be so forreal .#ESPECIALLY YALLS BEAST AUS OH MY GOOOOOD#theyre awful absolutely awful#dont even get me started on the sskk im going to lose it#yes because akutagawa would call atsushi endearing nicknames like “bunny” . WRONG .#aku just calling atsushi by atsushi by default is endearing that man would rather shrivel up and die then call atsushi his honey sweetheart#cw rant#tw rant#<- ig uess.#↻... 𝐐.ᴜᴇᴜᴇ
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not me going to innocently play video games and my tv actually BLOWING TF UP 💀 will somebody please tell god I am not his strongest soldier and I can’t take any more of his toughest battles
#I actually started manically laughing tbh bc this might as well happen#after the god awful crackling blow up sound concluded and my heart stopped pounding#rest in fucking pieces ig!!! back to reading
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The staff in my unit and I were discussing our schedule this week and we're gonna do an egg drop on Thursday, location, the tower. Egg drop from the tower??? The 50 ft tower??? NOTHING'S GOING TO SURVIVE I'M- LMAOO AHAHAHAHAHAHA
We could do it from someplace not as high but now that it's been suggested I can't get it out of my head. We gotta do it from the tower now.
#rays random ramblings#camp rambles#maybe start lower and ig anything survives we bump it up a notch#like- a really big notch#just ADJAHAHDJAGD dropping something from up there HAHAHA#nooOOO but it's not a good place for a raw egg mess#aw man!!! we'll see!!!#tower!!!
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starting to consider the option that i may not be the worst person on earth and i actually may even be p decent. will keep you updated as i find out more information
#you know how after a good week you may have a crash#i'm having the opposite of this rn#had terrible awful 2 weeks of mental health like we're talking being actively suicidal again and having trouble getting out of bed#and now i'm like. i'm fine i'm chill. i'm tired but i give 100% into my work and manage to get excited about things. holy shit?#but also on a personal 'maybe i'm not horrible' level. i think being around people showed me that i'm okay#like. my standards for myself are way too high. other ppl don't judge me like that. they like me a lot anyway#i try hard to be nice and polite and help in ways i can and i don't cause too much of a stir#i feel like i'm annoying sometimes but ppl still talk to me so. maybe i'm only annoying myself#or maybe being annoying isn't as big of a crime as my brain may tell me it is lol#this is very basic surface level stuff i know but. gotta start somewhere ig 😭#anyway. ignore my character development there. hope it doesn't ruin the image of the edgy kicked puppy i usually give off.
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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looking at the clock and going "oh. i didn't. even realize it was past 8pm." and its not funny or cool its just unbelievably concerning
#medusa rambles#kind of venty ig#ive been having. a really shitty two weeks and an even shittier few days#i decided to step down from the student organization i started a year ago#which basically means itll probably fade into oblivion#i lost so many connections i had to this awful fucking college#in the past two weeks#and its like#all i have left tying me there is a degree that i don't really need for what i want to do#and a handful of professors & staff i genuinely value#i have very little support system in general and its just#why am i even staying here#why stay. genuinely why stay#i am such a community based person and like#i have no community there#everyone who im close with there just#are busy and i get it and i understand it but we Don't Talk. they understand my life via scattered updates that they dont really care for#and talking into the void is funny until its. not.#and logically i know that this is just like. pure depression speaking and not actually reflective of whether my friends care for me or not#but it just doesnt matter#and i think its just like. i Need to stop trying#because every attempt at any form of connection#that just fails completely and utterly is so severely damaging#but what do i have if i don't try. what is there otherwise.#i remember a year ago#when i first started college#sitting in my dorm and sobbing every night because i was just so fucking isolated from everyone around me#and its like. nothing has really changed. i am just as isolated as i was then#i think honestly like. maybe i do just need to be hospitalized again#i dont. feel like i did when i was 16 but i know that This is not sustainable and not good and like. sitting and going
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vent under the cut you don't need to read if you don't want to!!!!!!!
I honestly hateee opening up or oversharing with ppl. it's kind of like eating for me where it feels okay in the moment but then afterwards I just feel awful. it feels like I'm attention seeking or saying someone else's experience isn't valid for some reason and it sucks. I don't do it at all with ppl I just met but with friends I tend to get carried away with it sometimes,,,
It hurts even more because I've been distancing myself from ppl bcz I'm scared of this exact thing happening. People have messaged me before, saying I seem cool and they want to be friends. And I get happy in the moment, but then I get really anxious about accidentally getting too comfortable and blurting out personal things, because then their opinion of me will wane and they'll think I'm annoying or ungrateful. So I subconsciously begin to distance myself and take a while when responding to messages, because I'm scared of getting too comfortable with them. But now I'm anxious that they think I'm cold or distant and that I secretly don't like them. It's just a lose lose situation mannn </3
I have so many DMs I've put off responding to, and I've stopped talking in servers as much bcz I'm scared of getting close with ppl in them. I really feel bad for it, though. I've drifted from friends bcz of that and it sucks because I genuinely love them a lot. I love everyone I talk to a lot and they always make my day better--I just wish I could be the same for them. I feel like it's a chore to talk to me. I honestly don't know what to do. It's even worse when I get close to someone bcz they like what I make/post because again, now that they've seen how I really am and I've opened up, they more than likely see me as annoying or a bad person. Like it hurts enough whenever we become friends naturally talking, but if it's with someone who's seen me at my "best" and has seen things I work on or stories I've created, they ofc associate me with those things, and their expectations of me are through the roof. So when I disappoint them it hurts a lot more. I hate getting attached to people it hurts so much
#vent#it's okay tho.I think a hug would fix me. I want a hug so bad :(#probably delete later#tag ramblings below#AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH LIKE SO MUCH so it's even harder. like I feel like I don't deserve them#y'all deserve better than me#I WISH I COULD ADOPT THE IDGAF ATTITUDE#truly the best feeling in the world--realizing you don't care anymore#and idk how someone could possibly like me for things I created--it's not even like I write well or sing well#I honestly don't understand how ppl could see anything I've made or sung and genuinely like it#so whenever someone DOES I'm just like hasbdhabsn yay!!!!!!! and then I ruin it w my awful personality </3#it's also why I take down a lot of ao3 works#like I've made 50 something works but it only shows two because I've taken so many down or made them anonymous--I hate my work so much#but ppl like it enough to actively want to get to know me and it hurts bcz I feel like they're not THAT good#same thing with singing like I'm not good at it at all#but ppl used to rlly like my impressions of characters and I'd get cast in quite a bit of cover groups and I just don't understand.why???#but ofc I can't ask that bcz.idk it just feels attention seeking when I do that#like can you praise me a whole bunch so I don't feel like it's not totally awful please?#I appreciate the support I get so so much and it's not that it's not enough it's just my brain is mean </3#idek what this vent is abt#I think ultimately it's just abt my fear of disappointing ppl#I'm close with a few ppl who know me bcz of things I made--and I feel like I kinda ruined their impression of me a little (a lot)#especially bcz I didn't always used to vent this much. like back when I was 12-15 I literally refused to vent no matter how bad it got#and I had friends who vented every single day so it's not like I'd be the only one#I just feel like it's wrong when it's me :'D I feel like my feelings aren't valid ig and I'm ungrateful bcz my life rlly isn't that bad#I only started venting a lot this year for some reason--and it makes me feel bad bcz now my current friends have to deal with me like that#like I have a diary I write in and it works sometimes but ultimately it's better for someone else to give you validation#I hate venting so much though#(<- literally venting rn BAHSDBAS)#I'M SORRY if I've been venting too much. I feel like I've been venting too much.guys am sorry if this is annoying I promise I'm workin on i
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