#not a happy post

[punk-in-docs]

Might go into a hibernation/hiatus for a while. I’ve not got that spark anymore. I’m all sparked out. I feel like I just don’t click with my writing (is that weird?) It’s just been so hard to stay motivated.-fuck me, man. It’s so hard. It feels like I’m waiting for things to get fun again.

[bjorkshire-pudding]

Dead dad, dead womb, sick brother… Happy Father’s Day to me

[jaelijn]

I hate to talk about this, I really do, but here's the thing:

Fandom, as I see it, is a community of equitable exchange. Not equal exchange - a fanfic for a fanfic, a fanart for a fanart, a comment for a comment - but an exchange that fairly honours the effort and contributions of other members within the fandom in some way, such as by writing fic yourself for the other writers to enjoy, by posting art yourself, by writing comments, by leaving likes and kudos, reblogs and tags, by upholding fandom conversations in fandom spaces, by organising challenges, by making edits and gifs and text posts and reclists and fanvids and fanmixes and and and...

(under cut for length)

This is not something measured in metrics, but metrics are a starting point: A certain amount of likes, kudos, whatever can contribute to the feeling of appreciation. And while I know I don't speak for everyone (I've certainly seen enough complaints about the amount of "engagement"), it's generally less about quantity than it is about quality. But while we are in the realm of numbers, let me put it like this: Fandom is supposed to be an equation, or a balanced scale. The things on your side, the things you put into the fandom, should be met with things on the side of the fandom at large, some kind of indication that you get something back. That does NOT mean that 1 kudos = 1 new fic or whatever, or that, individually, one member of the fandom is responsible for "paying" each author/artist etc. in a kind of economic exchange.

It DOES mean that the effort of whatever you put out there for the fandom needs to be weighed up by something coming back to you from that fandom in some way. That's what makes engaging in fandom worthwhile. That's what makes this a community. The thing on the other side of the scale doesn't even have to have anything to do with what you put out, though the direct interaction is nice, too - it can also simply be the presence of other people creating, loving, engaging in the fandom, a mutual circle of inspiration.

If that exists, metrics matter less, because there is a quality of fandom buzz that balances out the scale. So maybe that one fic you just posted was really niche or a dead dove or whatever and had like 2 kudos and no comments. But you got five fics you enjoy reading and a piece of art and that interesting meta discussion and... and that balances the scale and makes posting the fic worthwhile, even if there were only two people who enjoyed it, and none who took the time to comment. It's fine. It doesn't have to be equal, in that way, as long as it seems worth it. Sometimes the scale will tilt to your side for a while, and that's fine, too. It will tilt back the other direction when you have less time, less energy, because the overall fandom buzz keeps the scale in balance. Or it should.

HOWEVER. The scale can tip out of balance - not slightly, not occasionally, but long-term. Piling more and more things on one side and getting less and less back. Barely any fic. Barely any art. Barely any kudos or comments or reblogs or likes. No fandom conversation, or if there is fandom conversation, it makes it very clear that you're not the kind of fan they want to talk to. So you put another thing on your side of the scale. Maybe someone likeminded will see it. Feel inspired. Hoping that someone will put something on the other side of the scale, for you. Someone leaves a kudos. It's nice, it's appreciated - but there're five fics on your side. One of them has a kudos now. The scale barely moves. You put another fic out. Maybe there'll be a comment, this time, or, fic aside, maybe someone will want to chat about meta. People are busy, sometimes. Not everyone likes everything. And there is a comment! And someone posts a fic you like! And for a moment it feels like the scale is getting back into balance. But then you remember that that other fic, that you really loved writing, has 4 kudos and no comments at all. And that the one comment you got on something else is "I liked this but...". And there is no meta discussion.

And it feels less and less worth it to put things on your side of the scale at all. You enjoy creating them. You'll probably keep creating them - but what is the point of putting them out there? You remind yourself that if you don't put them out there, there'll never be a chance of comments or kudos or likes and reblogs. Spite is a great motivator, too. But it gets to a point where the meagre chance of maybe a few kudos and perhaps a comment, which, depressingly, is all you can ever hope to get, is detrimental because it feels too little. Always too little, and that drains your motivation not only to share, but to create. And you want to create. But if sharing is what makes you not want to create... So you stop putting things on the scale. You keep them for yourself, because you enjoy making them, and if you don't post them, that enjoyment will not be swamped by disappointment at the unbalanced scale, and you hoard the little things that do crop up on the other side of the scale, consume them like the starving person you are, with no energy to put something on that creator's scale in exchange. And this is how a fandom dies.

And perhaps you know that. You know that if you don't try to generate fandom buzz, if you don't drag up the energy to post in the hopes that it balances someone else's scale, if you don't put a presence out there, an incentive for others to just participate in the scale, it will only get worse, because there will be even less fandom buzz and that means that more people's scales will tip out of balance and then there will be even less fandom buzz and... But it's no longer a zero-sum game. You don't just stop gaining while everyone else does, you start losing. Motivation, energy, creativity, joy. And it's not worth it. It's no longer worth it, and stepping back from the scale is the only way to stop losing.

Frankly, I'm at that point. I've probably been at that point for over a year. Ending R&F was an excuse for lightening my side of the scale, a scale that has been tilted too far to my side for too long, but it does very little, because it also means that there'll be no more zine. Whumptober was an attempt at budging the scale, even a little, even a bit. It worked, for all of five days. Now, I have approx. 30 fics without a single comment (not all very recent/from Whumptober, either). This is not meant to devalue the kudos I have received, the comments I have received, the efforts by the fans who do put things out there in the fandom. Nor is it a demand. Nobody "owes" me anything. But the fact of it is that the fandom, as a whole, has not seemed to put much on the other side of my scale for too long.

I'm sitting here thinking about the GPD calendar and it... I enjoy filling a month with B7. I could fill my whole year with B7, at my own pace. But the effort to post daily for the sake of the community feels too much - or not "too much" - not worthwhile. Not worth the effort for a community that gives me back very little. This is not an accusation. I am aware that it's not personal malice, I'm aware that my personal tastes make certain fandom contributions that exist not worth much - just as I am aware that there are people who make an effort for the sake of the fandom, other than myself. But I cannot keep doing this. I'm running on fumes, I have been running on fumes, and I hate to whine because it makes the people who genuinely care about me - as a fan or person - feel bad and guilty and I don't want that. I also don't want "pity comments". But this is how it is. I cannot keep doing this alone. There is too little fandom for it to feel worth it, right now, and while I'm very aware that there will be even less fandom without me, I have to do something or the weights on my side of the scale will topple over and crush me. So, as of right now, I don't think there'll be a calendar. I might change my mind, but I have to put what I want first, just to maintain my joy at creating, and maybe that will give me back some energy to help other people balance out their scales, if not do anything about mine.

For now, the longfic is my excuse for stepping away from my scale. If you care about this fandom, maybe think about scales.

[pinkcatminht]

.

i am not doing okay

and the fact that im also out of my antidepressants and have been for a few days now just makes me want to end it all already lmao

obviously i wont but like. god it's tempting today.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

License to Kitty.

[mangozic]

my dead goth son and his friendly neighborhood personified concept of insanity

[the-nefarious-vampire]

as an aroace, im particularly dangerous, because i wont fuck or marry. i only know how to kill.

[kottkrig]

People liking your personal OCs is still such a crazy feeling, I've been doing this for years and ppl asking about them still fills my entire heart with warmth and idk how to handle it

You enjoy this fictional guy I made up for fun?? Whose only content is random artwork or writing made by me and a handful of other artists at most? They have no show/book/game with a large fandom, it's just one person with an art blog?? I love u

[morningsaidthemoon]

might continue work on this one,, ✨✨

[hinamie]

trick or treat!

[glowing-and-confused]

So the CONTEXT is that Xbox is releasing Diablo IV and they changed their logo to match that, BUT I'm CACKLING over the idea that Xbox decided 4 days of pride was enough and that the gays should burn in hell now

[bjorkshire-pudding]

I am going to wash my hair today.

Not because I want to, not because it's easy, but because I deserve to.

This week has been hell on every level - professionally, personally. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I'm tired and sad and overworked and stretched way too thin and dehydrated from crying about everything.

My hair is suffering too, and I'm afraid that if I neglect it any longer, there's going to be permanent damage. Washing my hair is so much work, and just thinking about it makes me tired. But I have to do it, because resolving myself to do it feels like taking back a little bit of control over my life... and goddamn if I don't need a little control in my life right now.

[jaelijn]

Some days, the universe really feels out to get me.

[kesopan]

warmth in the cold

[moon-meteor-star-sun]

Listening to Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers, except instead of thinking of a funeral of a kid a year older than me, I’m thinking of my best friend’s brother’s funeral who was two years younger than me