#normalise trigger warnings

[egotisticaleverything]

As an abuse survivor I don’t really care about how bad and romanticised It Ends With Us is I mainly care about the fact that there were no trigger warnings on the box and/or movie. I picked up that book at an air port a few years ago and ignoring the quite frankly terrible writing the content really triggered me and I was surprised there was no warning from the staff or book itself when I purchased it.

I was 14 when I picked that book up unknowingly right as I got out of a physically and mentally abusive relationship and it was not a good book for me to read while in that mental space. It was advertised to me as a RomCom and “Good queer representation” when the only queer characters was a predatory gay stereotype and letters addressed to Ellen DeGeneres.

I have no idea how people who go to see the movie are going to react when they walk into what the main actor had advertised as a “movie to see with your girls” just to be shown domestic abuse both mental and physical.

[kookidough]

analysing vance hopper because he lives in my head 24/7 !

tw for like. literally everything the black phone covers!!!!!!

also there's some special effects gore rather far down in the post idk just i feel like i should warn you just in case

okay so before anyones like "but bee!!!! he only had 6 minutes of screen time in a 102 minute long movie!!!!! he was only on screen for 5.8% of the movie!!!!!" and to that i say i Know it was a real tragedy so a lot of this will be built on personal interpretation and subtext and stuff said behind the scenes and whatnot

so firstly i wanna rot about what his childhood/upbringing might've been like..... i havent quite decided on something definitive but i think we can take one look at his character and realise that is glaringly obvious he had a bad childhood, in one interview the actor that plays him (brady hepner) says "the background i had set up for vance is that the reason he was the way he was is his home life was fairly difficult, you know maybe his dad was either not there for him or he wasn't supportive, maybe he was fairly abusive, and so that creates a hair trigger sense of rage in vance" hair trigger meaning his patience is literally as thin as a strand of hair it does Not take a lot for him to snap

there more to it after that which i'll get into soon but yea thats the gist of it it's clear he had absent/neglectful/abusive parents and that would certainly contribute to why he's so angry all the time, maybe acting so explosive was the only way to get his parents' attention, either good or bad, so he just internalised that. obviously rage and anger issues like vance's lead to violence (not in all cases but in his case it does) and i think a neglectful and abusive upbringing would obviously expose him to more violence than a normal childhood would, therefore normalising it and desensitising him to it, whether he's seeing it play out in his own home and/or on television or something like that (because i doubt his parents would be the kind to monitor what content he's viewing)

i feel like he has little control over his life and that only adds to his anger, which in his case leads to a fight when his buttons are pushed too many times. i think he probably takes great pride in being the toughest in town and whatnot and winning fights and being perceived as strong and scary is good to him and helps him regain control/power, something he doesnt have at home. the rest of the quote from the interview i mentioned earlier states "this pinball machine could have been the only thing that he has in his heart that's like, good, like 'holy cow i did this, i set the score,' so when someone comes along and messes it up for him, it takes away the only thing that he has. i think that that's when he switches to a 'now you're gonna pay for that'"

similar to what i said about fighting, the pinball machine and his high score is something he has control over and its an important part of his reputation/image like. hes literally pinball vance ! and the whole thing about that high score being the "only thing he has in his heart that's good" implies that hes. well. pretty shit at everything else, which is pretty much canon if you remember that gwen said vance was held back twice in school. makes me think that while he's not the brightest in school he's certainly street smart

moving onto ermmmmm him getting kidnapped era because im sure youre wondering "well bee if he's so street smart then why did he get kidnapped" so may i raise two theories (this is. literally all i got and its not even concrete, me and my friend gray (@staggersz) tried to figure out how this could even happen and this is the most plausible thing we've got. so shoutout to him real quick he has had to deal with me being unnormal about vance for like a year and a half thanks king couldnt have done all this without my rotting buddy)

so either he got taken by surprise (most likely option) or vance's trust was gained first via getting given quarters at the pinball machine and small talk and shit like that but this is unlikely because i feel like it'd take a loooooong time for someone like vance to trust a some random stranger adult man when he clearly has issues with trusting and respecting people older than him and people with authority (e.g. cops, his parents, or school officials) so yea being taken by surprise would probably be the most realistic option, i always see people on tiktok being like "how did the grabber kidnap vance hes so strong!!!!" dude its a 15 year old boy against like. a 45 year old man who's already claimed two lives its really not gonna be a fair fight here

before i get into the next part i wanna quickly address a theory i absolutely Hate and it is so easily disproven and that is the theory that vance is the grabber's son or is related to him in some other way and i see it Far too often on tiktok and i HATE it. from what ive seen this all stems from his dream sequence where he kicks open the fence to albert's house and, presumably, goes inside after being dropped off by the police after the grab n go fight. idk if some people just straight up didnt realise this but clearly in real life he is going to his Own House??? in the dream it's only albert's house because this is how he chooses to show gwen the house she's trying to find her brother in, the house that he himself was killed in??? i hate the theory i hate it sm

the dream sequence itself is interesting though as the ghosts seem to only be able to conjure up what theyve seen in real life (like how bruce can picture the outside of the house and show that to gwen but the house number is all flipped and not right beause he doesnt know it) so vance being able to picture the house and the number and the gate and every detail would imply that hes seen it before, but im going to explain that away as either he got out once before like with finney's failed escape attempt, or the house is most likely on the route he walks to school or the grab n go or something and he hasnt actually been there prior to being kidnapped

mini rant over now onto being kidnapped i guess, so i used the missing posters to try and estimate a timeline of how long each ghost boy would've been in the basement for (although the missing posters are notoriously unreliable for details such as looks/height/age/etc, the dates seem to all line up). so we know the order is griffin, billy, vance, bruce, robin, finney, right?? if we use the poster date then billy was taken on may 4th, 1976, a month and two days after griffin was taken (april 2nd 1976). vance was taken on september 23rd 1977, almost a full year later (stay with me im going somewhere with this), and after that bruce was taken on july 18th 1978, again almost a full year later

its established in the movie that the grabber stalks his victims before he takes them (canon because we literally see the van watching finney and gwen as they walk home from school early on in the movie) but we dont know how long he does this for since griffin/billy and robin/finney were taken such short distances apart and then the others were taken such long distances apart, also it's possible he could stalk his next victim while the previous one is still alive, etc etc lots of confusing factors, but if i've done the maths right then the absolute maximum time vance could've spent down there is 9 months and 25 days, or 298 days, so erm . let that sink in !

howeverrrr in the movie gwen states that vance went missing "last spring" and september is definitely not in spring, meaning he could've been down there for a year or even longer. an explanation or excuse i could think of for the movie and the missing poster saying different things (other than the missing posters being known for some areas being wildly inaccurate) is that maybe he was taken in spring but wasnt labelled as officially missing until september, when he was properly linked to griffin and billy's similar disappearances and the mysterious grabber? i can imagine it'd be very easy for law enforcement, especially in the 70s, to dismiss someone like vance as a runaway until they get solid evidence that he was taken. idk though thats just my personal excuse / angsty headcanon for the difference in information

not sure what exactly killed him but we do hear from vance himself that "he took his time with me" so it was probably blood loss from a variety of injuries, if we look at him in his ghost scenes we can see his hair is absolutely covered in blood which indicates head injury, he clearly has a broken nose and bruising around his eyes as a result of it, he has these deep cuts on his abdomen area (apologies for the image quality but i believe they're like. sfx pieces you would wear under clothing)

and he also has just like. minor bruising (like the fingerprints on his arm) and other random blood splatters on his face and neck (assuming the blood down his neck comes from wherever he was bleeding on his head) so Yeah overall very unpleasant way to die obviously

okay now the part thats actually in the movie and it only took me 13 paragraphs to get here: vance as a ghost!! first thing i wanna point out is appearance wise i just want to say that when he's a ghost he's missing his choker and that fact Pains me. anyway personality-wise i feel like being violently murdered has, understandably, kicked his rage up to like. the highest level it could possibly go. he's insanely snarky and downright rude to finney on the phone, showing no empathy to the fact that finney is literally in the exact situation he was in

i feel like the whole "this is the nightmare end of your pathetic little life" and "if you knew what you had coming, you'd be fucking terrified" thing is definitely to scare finney on purpose and to get him to do something, vance might as well have just told him he's never going home cuz thats how it came across LMAOO, it is startling though because vance is clearly speaking from experience, that he was literally fucking terrified, and he is warning finney in his own weird way

the thing i think sets vance apart from the other ghosts is that while he does help finney, he does it for a different reason than they do. the other ghosts want finney to escape, to get out, to be free, to live, but personally i dont think vance cares about that. the only thing he wants is for albert shaw to be dead, for someone to seek vengeance, to do what vance couldn't. vance doesn't care if it's bruce or robin or finney or whatever boy could've come after that, he doesnt care as long as that man gets what he deserves after what he put vance through, and i see this through the scene at the end of vance's call where finney thanks him for his help and vance says, and i quote, "helping you? this isn't about you, fuck him! and apologies for being repetitive but to me it just literally proves that to vance, this isnt about finney or his escape, its just about revenge

we dont get to find out what happens to the ghosts once the credits have rolled, and i dont think we quite know enough about tbp's version of ghosts to guess what theyre up to, but i have a few theories :3 maybe theyre no longer bound to those two houses and they can now go anywhere they want in town? or maybe since their shared goal of stopping albert has been achieved, the ghosts can finally pass on to whatever is waiting for them next. i dont think vance would be content to pass on that quickly or easily as anger lingers, but i hope he'd be able to let go of it eventually, and hey we might find out in the sequel. i pray it mentions him cuz i will just die if it doesnt

sometimes, ok thats a lie, frequently i think about an au where he survived or escaped or whatever but ohhhh boy this post is already a train wreck so that au would deserve its own essay of a post :3 if u actually genuinely read this far then Wtf thanks for reading the ramblings of an absolute madman, only pure delusion could get like 20 paragraphs about a guy with 6 minutes screentime but hey thats how i roll, thanks again to my pal gray for letting me rot and thank u to my other pal ana for also enduring all this rot

hope u enjoyed my interpretation of vance hopper im going to crawl in a hole now and probably brainrot some more, thanks again for ur time :3

[kwinnieppang]

𝐈 𝐁𝐞𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐒𝐨 𝐒𝐨𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐝 || Kim Da-yeon x Fem!Reader

I Bet You Are So Soaked || Kim Da-yeon (Pyramid Game)

Starring : Kim Da-yeon (Pyramid Game) x Fem!Reader

Synopsis : You and Dayeon have been friends for a long time. You are Dayeon's most comfortable place, you could say that your relationship with Dayeon is more than just friends. Even though you're both women, the way Dayeon treats you is like a man. Pyramid Game is not an obstacle for Dayeon not to be with you. Only you can make Dayeon feel calm.

Warning : Fluff, Lesbian, NonVirgin! Reader, PWP, Smut (Oral!Reader receiving, Overstimulation!Reader, Pussydrunk!Dayeon, Dub-con ⟶ Con, Degrading), Typographical Error

Author's note: I'm not normalising the things that happen here in the real world, this is all just for stories and not for the real world! Stay safe for you all out there and I'm sorry if this story is triggering you!

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

You and Dayeon have been friends since childhood. You already know each other very well. Your parents also know each other. Dayeon's arrogant and stubborn nature has become your daily bread. You also can't deny that your family is slightly below the Dayeon family.

Wherever you go, Dayeon will always follow you.

You could say that you are a little bored with Dayeon. But, what else can I do?

Dayeon is the friend you can trust the most.

"How? You do still feel the pain?" You asked casually.

“Well…” Dayeon winced slightly in pain as you treated her.

Dayeon grew up in an abusive family.

All problems are solved by venting using violence, especially on Dayeon.

"I told you, don't do anything." You're nagging.

“I've been trying not to fight, ___. But, that old fart is the only one who is sensitive.” Dayeon grumbled.

You didn't respond, you just focused on treating Dayeon.

"Haha… ___."

You started to become suspicious of Dayeon's behaviour.

"What?" You stopped for a moment to look at Dayeon.

Dayeon brought her face closer to you.

“Want to drink wine with me?” Dayeon asked with a soft intonation.

"I don't like-"

"You have to try it, ___. If you don’t try it, how will you know if you don’t like it…?” Dayeon moved her index finger from ___'s chest towards ___'s stomach.

You could feel her amusement, you held Dayeon's hand.

“You are out of your mind.”

Dayeon pouted for a moment.

“Then… If you refuse…”

Dayeon grinned.

"I can drink your juice, right?" Dayeon asked with a grin.

You can't refuse Dayeon's request. Just say that you're afraid Dayeon is threatening you with terrible things. You know that in fact, Dayeon could go berserk at any time. You don't dare to fight Dayeon, you don't understand Dayeon very deeply. You don't feel like living with a family of bastards.

You took off your pants and underwear.

When you leaned against the edge of the bed, Dayeon positioned her head between your legs. Dayeon immediately grabbed both of your inner thighs and opened them wide. Dayeon licks your clit, playing around there. Makes you sigh and feel uncomfortable. Your body squirmed and shivered, you could feel your nipples harden under your shirt.

“Dayeon… Ahh… Don't play there…” You clenched your fists.

The cold floor of the room makes you even more carried away by the atmosphere.

“Uhm… I want you so wet…” Dayeon was still licking her clit.

“Haa… Ahh…!” Your body convulses.

Dayeon stopped.

Followed immediately by pulling your hips and sucking your already wet vagina.

“Ahh~! Uhm… No…” You covered your own mouth again.

You just remembered, there is someone else in your house.

“Ahh… Dayeon…” You moaned her name.

Dayeon keeps licking and sucking your pussy.

“Hmm… Ahh…”

Dayeon's tongue started to poke at your hole. Your clear liquid is getting more and more and it's all being sucked up by Dayeon. Until finally, you reach the point of enjoyment. You orgasmed and Dayeon stopped. Dayeon saw you trying to neutralise yourself.

Dayeon was very happy.

“I really like you.” Dayeon moved closer to you.

Dayeon hugged you and buried her face in your shoulder.

“Dayeon…”

“I wish I were a boy.” Dayeon whispered.

“Huh?”

“I want to make you mine, I… Like you.”

You were quite touched to hear her words, but you thought again.

‘I like you better if you are who you are now.’

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

In the end, you both entered as students of Baekyeon Girls High School. At first you thought that you would separate classes, but it turned out you didn't and you were still in the same class as Dayeon. The two of you are in class 2-5, a class that can be said to be special. Luckily, Dayeon is starting to get away from you. Dayeon made some new friends, and so did you.

“___, I have the latest information.” Dayeon sat next to you.

“Huh?” You're clearly confused.

“Do you like caste games? Me, Harin, and Doah will make a game about caste.” Dayeon smiled proudly.

“Ah, if it's just a game—”

"Listen first~ If you are in the highest position, you are free to do whatever you want! But, if you are at the bottom, you will be—”

“Bully?” You reply curtly.

Dayeon nodded, she didn't seem to understand the situation yet.

"How? Cool, right?" Dayeon smiled casually.

“It’s not cool, really.” You don't agree with Dayeon.

“Hey, if you're angry… You can take it out on the lowest ranked person…”

“That's not cool.”

Dayeon put her arm around you and poking your cheek.

“Hey, don't be like that... Ah, what's your opinion anyway? Not used either."

You were a little annoyed with Dayeon's behaviour, so you pushed Dayeon's hand away.

“That's enough for me. Whatever happens, I will follow the flow. If it really comes to that and i can't stand it... I'll leave."

“But, you will tell—”

"Don't interfere." You replied coldly.

This was the first time you were cold to Dayeon.

“___…? You… are just annoyed, right?” Dayeon asked doubtfully.

You ignored Dayeon and walked out of the classroom.

Now, you have other friends besides Dayeon. Lim Yerim and Sim Eunjung are your new friends. The differences in character and way of speaking between the two of them are very significant. Yerim tends to be friendly and sweet, while Eunjung tends to be cold and quiet. But, you think it's okay, humans are unique.

The Pyramid Game is still being implemented.

Although, you don't know whether the people around you agree to play the game or not.

You wonder why Dayeon can always be in A with Dayeon's new friends. You also felt a change in Dayeon's attitude. You thought maybe it was the Pyramid Game that put you in position C. Dayeon's attitude towards you also changed, she became more indifferent and arrogant. You don't care, you think it's normal.

"Isn't her family a bit unique?" You mumbled, talking or mocking Dayeon's family.

"___, What is it?" Yerim asked.

"I feel like burning down the house... But, I know... I can't do it." You wore a gloomy expression.

“On what basis do you want to burn down the house?” Eunjung asked.

You put your head on the table.

“Ahh~ I don't have any enthusiasm today…” You grumbled to yourself.

"Maybe she needs some time alone." Yerim said to Eunjung.

"Yeah, but there's no need to burn down the house." Eunjung replied.

“Why are you focused on burning down the house? ___ is just frustrated and just talking nonsense." Yerim said.

The day goes on, the game continues. But, you were never at grade F. Luckily, Eunjung and Yerim loyally chose you. For others, you don't know who chose you. At least, you're not in F and that makes you feel safe. Your ranking always goes up and down, B and C.

“Who voted for me…?” You always mumble like that after the game is over.

You've talked about this to Yerim and Eunjung.

“It would be good if you could equal B.” Yerim said.

“But, I was—”

“Ah— No, no!” Yerim shook her head while telling you to be quiet.

"What?"

“You survived F, for me that's enough. You get more votes, for me that's very good!” Yerim gave both thumbs up with a smile.

You looked at your cellphone which was vibrating because someone was calling.

"Who's that? Hm?” Yerim was curious.

You immediately refuse and your smartphone screen display returns to normal.

“No, no one.” You smiled back at Yerim.

You also started to reject calls from Dayeon.

A revenge would be nice, isn't it?

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

“Why do you rarely answer my calls? Am I no longer important? Your behaviour has changed, ___.” Dayeon scolded.

You were talking to Dayeon on your cell phone.

“Stop it, Dayeon.” You reply wearily.

“Stop? Huh! Very funny. You don't like me? You don't care about me anymore, right? Yerim and Eunjung made you forget about me. Am I-"

“Don't try to hurt them, Dayeon-ah.” Your tone is very harsh.

"What's that?" Dayeon held back her laughter.

“You are the one who has changed. If you really want to remain friends with me, come to me. But, in fact it's not. You're noisy, I'll just turn it off.”

"Yah, ___! It is you-"

You end the one-sided conversation, you've had enough.

You think that this way, Dayeon won't bother you.

But, you are wrong.

Dayeon was already in front of your house and asked to come in. Of course, you forbid it. But, Dayeon wouldn't be if she wasn't stubborn. On the other hand, you are afraid that Dayeon will report strange things to her family and destroy your family. Reluctantly, you let Dayeon into your house.

"Very funny... In the past, you were very happy when I was around. Now, you are rejecting me.” Dayeon grinned.

“I am a typical person who is always changing. Whatever it is, my thoughts will always change from time to time. Including… People who are accepted and those who are not.” You explained flatly.

“Hm, that's exciting… Look at you, trying hard to look like me. Oh, are you maybe inspired by Doah?” Dayeon brought her face closer to you.

You just kept quiet while looking at her flatly.

“Then will Yerim and Eunjung be thrown away and I will be accepted back?” Dayeon asked with her confident nature.

"Who knows…"

Dayeon grinned.

"But, it could be that you will really be thrown away by me later." You continued.

Dayeon didn't accept the answer, she pushed until you were pinned against the wall.

“What did you say just now? Repeat."

“I'm not afraid of you, Dayeon. I'm just afraid for your family.”

“I could ruin your life right now.” Dayeon replied arrogantly.

“You are nothing but a schoolgirl—”

"Well-!"

“Self-awareness is important, Dayeon.”

Dayeon threw you to the floor and you collapsed.

“My dear dog seems to be getting cocky. I have to give her training.” Dayeon grinned.

The dog is you.

You just gave Dayeon the middle finger.

Without further ado, Dayeon removed your lower clothing. Dayeon also misses your juice. Your legs were spread wide and Dayeon's head was between them. Her tongue licks your wet pussy mercilessly. Makes your body limp and sensitive.

“Ahh~! Stop it! Haa…~!”

You grabbed Dayeon's hair.

Dayeon squeezed your thighs even more and pushed in opposite directions.

“Ahhh~! No, I don't want to be with you anymore..."

Inevitably, you orgasm.

But, Dayeon still wanted more.

"You said you didn't want to be with me anymore. But, in reality you are still wet with me."

You felt annoyed and grabbed Dayeon.

“You think it's funny? You are playing with my feelings!”

“Playing with what?”

“You think all that is funny? You walked away from me and ignored me. You only come if you need it! Oh, damn!” You cursed at Dayeon.

You pushed Dayeon away and put your clothes back on properly.

You intended to leave Dayeon, but she held you back.

"Wait a moment, ___!" Dayeon grabbed your wrist.

"What?"

"You are jealous?"

You are silent.

'Should I be honest or not? Will this be detrimental for me or not?’ You think.

“Yes, indeed I am jealous! Your crazy family is stressing you out and I should be your comfort place. But, you just go and have fun with the people who are in Grade F! Once you have friends who are the same frequency, you forget about me. Don't you remember anything we did together? You're crazy, Dayeon!”

"What?"

"If you really want to end our friendship, then just end it! But, don't ever look for me again!” You tried to let go of Dayeon's wrist.

"Yah!" Dayeon held you tighter.

"If you dare leave me, I will tell my father that you are a bastard."

You glared at Dayeon.

Dayeon hugs you tightly and smirks.

“Is it unclear? You are mine. Whatever it is, you are still mine. No one can take you from me.” She whispered.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

Since that incident, your relationship with Dayeon has become more intense. It's quite a question, but you can answer it and give logical reasons. Especially with Yerim and Eunjung, you played a little fact with them. Your friendship with Yerim and Eunjung is still running smoothly. Now, you have to divide your time to be with your friends and for Dayeon.

Like now, you and Dayeon went to the warehouse during an empty hour or self study hour.

“Mmhhh…” You let your mouth be explored by Dayeon's tongue.

Dayeon's fingers also groped your womanhood.

“Ahh… Really, is this okay…?” You asked.

"Don't worry, it's free time."

Dayeon had an idea, she lay down on the floor.

"What are you doing…?" You asked in confusion, an innocent look.

“Take off your panties and sit on my face.”

You obeyed Dayeon and you sat on her face. You can feel Dayeon's tongue playing on your pussy. You could feel your clitoris being attacked by her tongue. Your hole is poked by Dayeon's tongue. Really, Dayeon's tongue makes you almost crazy.

“Ahh~! Your tongue… Ahh… Hmm… Dayeon… I'm going to cum…” You orgasm.

Dayeon grinned, he still continued licking your juice.

"Haa... Shh... What if the teacher knows...?"

"Just tell me the truth.

"Mmhh... What about your papa...?"

Dayeon stopped licking for a moment.

"Does he care about me?" Dayeon continued licking you.

“Ahh… It's okay, Dayeon… You… Nghh… Ahhh… Slow down…” You grabbed Dayeon's hair.

“Uhm…” Dayeon slurped up your juices that kept coming out.

“Let… Ahh~! I'm talking…! Ahh…”

Dayeon doesn't let you talk by continuing to attack your womanhood using her tongue.

“Ahhh~! Uhm… Dayeon… Enough…” You grabbed Dayeon's hair more roughly.

Dayeon ignores what you want. Dayeon instead grabbed and pulled your waist to keep sitting on her. Basically, Dayeon is addicted to you. Dayeon thinks it's okay, Dayeon thinks you need it. At least, your lust is also channelled.

You like it, right?”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

The End

[local-hellhound-steals-spaghetti]

Absolutely horrific horse abuse allegations coming from the groom of Evi Strasser - a Canadian Grand Prix Dressage Rider who was recently suspended by the FEI.

Considering how much they demonstrate their willingness to abuse their horses in plain sight with rollkur, severe bitting ect. It's unsurprising that this is happening behind closed doors.

When abuse in the name of training is normalised, this is how it escalates - especially when the abuser has power, money and influence.

Trigger warning for descriptions of severe abuse of horses (whipping, beating, deprivation, excessive force/rollkur/hyperflexion), emotional abuse, threatening of the whistleblower and coercive control.

[icallhimjoey]

To Have And To Scold

♥ ♥  Joseph Quinn x Fem!Reader

Summary: Your best friends are getting married, and who else can they ask to be their best man and maid of honour but you and Joe? It’s just that… you don’t really get along all that well, do you? At least, that’s what you think.

CW / disclaimer: sort of enemies to sort of lovers, slooow burn, language, drinking, rpf, fem!reader, eventual smut, talk of teenage!trauma (men are men and teenage girls are teenage girls) - nothing graphic, but, you know, a trigger warning feels right

Author’s note: new territory! fresh waters! my first ever part 6! wahhh!

Wordcount: 4.6K

part one - part two - part three - part four - part five - part six - part seven - part eight - part nine - part ten - epilogue

Sudden loud voices, followed by the slam of a closing front door shocked you awake. Not enough for you to actually open your eyes, but enough to propel you back into consciousness where you learnt that, oh, whoops, you'd fallen asleep.

The voices that came from the hallway were quickly shushed by Mark, who moved up from the sofa and you felt his legs disappear from underneath your feet.

“What’s – oh, she’s asleep,”

Your shoulder ached from lying on it weird.

The talking turned into whispers and was followed by footsteps that moved into the kitchen. When you looked with a squinty eye, you saw the TV was still on, but had been muted.

You'd had dinner over at Mark's, and Poppy had gone out with Joe. That was always the way it was; you and Mark were people who stayed in wearing comfy outfits, had simple meals and enjoyed shitty TV together. Poppy and Joe would go out in shiny outfits to shiny restaurants where they had shiny meals, you were sure.

No drinks after, though. Not tonight. Tomorrow she had her appointment at a wedding boutique, and you'd been invited to come along as well. You and Poppy were friends, after all, and she valued your opinion when it came to wedding dresses over Joe's anyway.

It was dark out, and you tried remembering if it had already been dark before you'd drifted off as you stretched your arms up over your head.

You were so toasty warm underneath the throw blanket, you groaned at the prospect of having to put your shoes back on and go outside for the trek home.

A sudden noise jump-scared you, and you were quick to pull in both arms close to your chest as your head snapped to where it came from.

Joe was stood in the doorway.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you,"

"Oh my God," you spoke on an exhale, rubbed your face with both hands, and mentally cursed Joe for shocking you awake like he had.

Had he been stood there the whole time?

"Good morning?" you could hear him suppress a laugh, making fun of you as you sat up. Hair everywhere, sleep in your eyes and muscles all achy.

"It's night time," you corrected him dryly, not in the mood to play.

"Correction, it's not even 9, the evening's barely started."

Oh.

It felt like it was past midnight. But you shrugged, because it didn't really matter, and reached for one of your shoes that you pulled out from underneath the coffee table.

"Won't you... won't you have trouble getting to sleep later? Now that you've slept already?"

You frowned. Why was Joe trying to have a chat with you? Could he not go join Mark and Poppy in the kitchen and let you come back into your own body in some peace and quiet?

"I'll be fine," you pushed a foot into your second shoe. "I love a good nap."

A silence fell, and when you'd tied your shoe laces, you slapped your knees and took a deep breath. You looked at Joe who was still awkwardly hovering in the doorway, feet on the threshold, and you looked at him as if to ask, what do you want?

"Um, we... we came up with an idea," Joe started, scratching the back of his head.

"Small change of plans. We're turning the bridal shower into a wedding shower,"

You were glad that this was wedding-related, because it immediately normalised the conversation Joe was trying to have with you. You took a second to think it over, and then smiled an impressed smile at Joe.

"Well done," you nodded at him with your eyebrows raised. "Isn't that just a regular party, then?"

"Yea," Joe shrugged a little bashfully. "Pre-wedding party, everyone's invited, not just Poppy's guests,"

And no playing stupid bridal shower games, or stupid bridal shower activities... you were onto Joe. It was very clear that this was a way to minimize his workload and instead, just... drink.

Honestly, you didn't mind it.

"We thought it'd be nicer that way. Get everyone excited for the wedding,"

"No, yea... you're right. It probably will be nicer to have a normal party instead of playing the newly wed game, or some wild form of mad lips with their vows, or whatever,"

"Loo roll bride," Joe added.

"We could still do that, park Pop in the middle of the dance floor and dance around to wrap her up," you quipped, and got a huffed laugh out of Joe.

It was almost normal, until Joe's head turned and Mark's voice got into earshot. Joe immediately tensed up, you could see it in his shoulders, and you didn't understand why it offended you the way it did.

"Brilliant idea! We've managed to find a date that works for us," Mark said, revealing what they'd been up to, and it prompted Joe to step away to go and find Poppy.

Mark looked at you and turned on the ceiling light, washing the room in bright white. It made you flinch a little.

"Hey, twitchy-feet, you slept for nearly two hours,"

"I feel very well rested," you said, grinning at the nickname and getting up from the sofa.

"Kicked me several times,"

"You can take it,"

Finding your coat over the back of a chair, you slung it 'round and stuck one arm in after the other.

"You ready for tomorrow?" you called out loudly, and waited for a response from the kitchen.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" Poppy called back.

"I was born ready," you grinned.

"No, you weren't," Mark said softly so only you could hear. "You were born five weeks premature, you–" you punched him in the arm as you stepped past him into the hallway.

"I'm so ready, I'll bring all of my opinions," you joked when you saw Poppy walk over, followed closely behind by Joe.

"Good, I'm going to need them."

"I'll bring mine too," Joe said, but earned an immediate scoff from his friend.

"No, leave those at home, you're just there for moral support. You need to tell me I look pretty in everything, and then I'll let the women be honest with me," Poppy said and you saw how they made eye-contact for a second.

It was wild how they looked in love when they locked eyes like that.

You snuck a quick glance at Mark to see if he noticed anything, but he had his phone out and you saw he had his agenda open, busy putting in when the wedding shower would be.

"I'm heading out," you broke their stare and all eyes turned to you.

"Me too," Joe said, and that immediately shot panic into your veins. You didn't need Joe walking you home again.

"Actually," Mark said, "I could use your help with something," And with a hand on his shoulder, Mark turned Joe back towards the kitchen.

"Bye," you called, and Mark waved a hand over his shoulder without looking back.

You didn't know if your face had given you away, if you'd been obvious about it, or if Mark had just sensed it within you, but you were grateful. Grateful you got to slip out of the house by yourself, void of any awkward embarrassing interaction with Joe. Just a small tiny wave for Poppy that got a bright smile of hers in return, and the door shut behind you.

Nice.

You could save all the tension for the next day. You just hoped it wouldn't get too weird. Tomorrow was going to be all about Poppy, anyhow. There wasn't going to be any room for Joe to be distant and weird with you.

At least, that's what you thought.

The next day, you all met up outside the boutique. Poppy, her mother, her auntie who doubled up as her godmother, and her daughter, Poppy's favourite cousin. And Joe. Of course, Joe was there too.

The six of you were sat down on one large sofa, everything pristine white, very clean, and obviously very expensive. You didn't sit next to Joe, even though out of everyone in Poppy's entourage you knew him best. It just, it was a little weird. In this group, you had known Poppy the shortest, and were only her friend by association. Originally, anyway.

After introductions to the bridal consultant of who you all were to Poppy, Poppy got whisked off fairly quickly to have a look at some dresses and to immediately try the first one on.

Waiting whilst she got dressed took ages.

Poppy's aunt and cousin took the time to look at dresses in the storefront, to see if they could find ones they thought would look good on Poppy. Joe buried himself in his phone, which was interesting, because you knew he wasn't on social media, so what the fuck was he even doing? Playing games?

It left you and Poppy's mum to talk.

"I've always wondered," she said, kind eyes all crinkled as she smiled at you.

"Of course we know Joe," she turned and curled a hand around his wrist. Joe smiled at her for a second, far more comfortable around her than you were. Which, yea, made sense. She might as well have been his mother.

"And we know Mark, but we don't really know you, do we? I've never heard how you and Mark became such close friends,"

Oh God.

This definitely felt like a protective mother making sure her daughter wasn't going to marry an unreliable man. One who didn't secretly have a girl on the side. One that didn't hide his mistress in plain sight.

You kind of understood, though. This all came from a good place, even if you could see that the smile you got from her was now very obviously a fake one. Or, perhaps not fake, but definitely wary.

Then you saw Joe put his phone down and direct his attention to you as well. A strange grin took over his face.

He scooted his hips forward a little, getting more comfortable as his legs spread wider. He was ready to listen to a story.

"Oh, well," you waved a hand, making it seem like you and Mark were surface level mates. "Nothing crazy, we just met at school and became fast friends."

It wasn't a direct lie. Not really.

It just wasn't an answer to the question she asked.

Joe narrowed his eyes at you and then frowned a little.

"You and Poppy met at school, didn't you?" Poppy's mum turned back to Joe, who immediately smiled at her and nodded. "Year 4," Joe added, and it was wild to see how fond she was of him.

Poster boy Joseph.

Probably the perfect son-in-law in her eyes. You wondered how much she despised that Joe wasn't the one marrying her daughter. How much she wanted Joe to be a true part of her family.

Instead she'd gotten Mark. And Mark came with an attachment.

You.

"Mark and I met when I was 14, and, you know him," you said, unsure if she actually did. "One big, kind softie."

The two of you laughed. Bonded over the fact that Mark was hardly soft - he could easily intimidate with just a simple look. He could be soft, sure. But he didn't look it.

Not the way that Joe looked soft, you thought.

The bridal consultant walked out and called everyone back to the sofa. Poppy was about to walk out in the first wedding dress she'd ever put on her body.

This was a big moment.

With everyone in position, Poppy got introduced all officially, and then she stepped out, dressed in an awful looking huge pile of tule that engulfed all of her. Absolutely ate her alive. She looked excited, but very self-conscious.

Her mother clapped in her hands excitedly and was already close to tears.

You looked at Joe who, Jesus Christ, looked absolutely smitten.

What was fucking wrong with him?

Poppy's aunt and cousin had huge big smiles on their faces and, oh my God, were you going to be the only one to tell her that you didn't like the dress on her at all?

Poppy got placed in front of a mirror and took a good look before she turned to face all of you.

"And?" Poppy questioned, eyes hopeful but terrified.

Her mother burst into tears.

Oh shit.

Joe immediately handed over a tissue from a box next to him.

"You look gorgeous," he said as he comforted Poppy's mum.

And she did look gorgeous. That wasn't the issue here.

Poppy got praised left right and centre, and you paid close attention to her face. For a moment you thought you weren't going to be able to give your honest opinion, because you saw her bloom, thriving on the kind words she was receiving from everyone.

However, when the consultant asked Poppy what she thought of it herself, Poppy turned back to look at herself in the mirror and hesitated.

Thank fuck.

Poppy made eye-contact with you in the mirror and gave you a questioning look.

"Pop, you look fantastic in white. Most beautiful bride. I'm being honest. Your skin looks like it's glowing, it's gorgeous... but, babe," you bit your lips into your mouth for a second, and considered the reaction you were going to get from the rest of the sofa.

"This dress looks awful,"

You saw heads snap towards you from your peripheral vision. You kept your eyes trained on Pop. Kind eyes. Real sympathetic ones.

The air was tense and you all waited for Poppy's reaction.

"I know," Poppy replied before she burst into laughter.

You could practically feel the whole sofa relax.

"It's not really your style, is it?" Poppy's cousin added.

"Far too cupcakey," Poppy said and scrunched up her nose as she picked at some tule and faffed with it to show what she meant.

"All right, less cupcakey, got it," the bridal consultant smiled.

The tone had been set. Good. You were glad. If everyone was just going to tell Poppy she looked great in every single dress, this whole appointment would be useless.

There was some more back and forth, people mentioning what they did like about the dress she was in, people adding how maybe this or that change would make it be more Poppy, and when Poppy disappeared into the dressing room to try on another dress, her mother reached a hand that grabbed onto your knee for a second.

"Thank you," this time you could see that her smile was sincere. "She deserves good friends like you."

You looked at Joe and couldn't help but feel a little bad for him. You were getting praised for being a good mate when Poppy's literal platonic soulmate was sat on the other side of her.

Joe eyes darted and only landed on you for a second.

Big cringe.

"Poppy deserves the world," you agreed. "And a beautiful dress," the cousin added, to which you all hummed and nodded. She really did.

Poppy tried on a few more dresses before she stepped out and was already in tears herself.

This was it.

It was the one.

Poppy knew it was the one, she could feel it in her bones and it radiated off of her.

She looked stunning.

Like, seriously stunning.

Mark was really fucking lucky.

It only took one look for her mother to start crying again, and before long, it was just you, Joe and the consultant with dry faces. Everyone else had tears streaming down.

"That's it," you said, and Poppy nodded with a shaky inhale and a wobbly smile. "That's the dress."

Her mother absolutely broke down then, and stood up to hug the girl in the beautiful white gown. It got quickly followed by her aunt who was trying her hardest not to let her mascara run, and Joe was just handing out tissues all 'round like his life depended on it.

He passed you one, which you took, but then held up questioningly.

"You're supposed to cry," Joe spoke out of the side of his mouth, his face in a faux panic over the fact that you weren't. He waved a hand in a small circle that was meant to say, hurry up with those tears, and it made you roll your eyes at him.

You stuck the tissue into your pocket and looked at the ladies stood by the mirrors.

This felt like a moment.

One you weren't part of. You weren't family, and you got the strong sense you were intruding.

The bridal consultant stepped back past the curtains that lead to the dressing room, and you thought she must have been thinking the same thing.

When Poppy's mother started talking about Poppy's birth, reminiscing about her sweet little baby girl, you knew you were right. Time to give them some space. You got up, excused yourself to Poppy's cousin who seemed to be drowning in self-pity over being single more than anything else, and escaped into the front of the store.

For a second you thought you could just busy yourself, looking through dresses, or whatever, but when you saw the door, some fresh air sounded divine.

It was nice out. Sunny. Slight breeze. Not very warm yet, but, the sun on your skin was bright enough to warm it.

You checked the time, and upon seeing how much time had already passed, you realised you were actually quite hungry. How bad would it be if you darted off get your hands on some food?

You didn't get to think about it long.

The door to the wedding boutique opened, and Joe stepped out.

Thinking that he'd been sent out to come and get you, you were about to tell him that you were just getting some fresh air and would be back inside in a minute. But then, Joe revealed a packet of cigarettes from a pocket and you realised he was joining you out on the pavement.

"Got a bit too emosh in there?" you asked.

Joe nodded as he took his first drag. A good, long one. He seemed insanely uncomfortable.

"I know it's a whole thing," Joe waved his hand around and made a stupid face. "But, fuck me, over five thousand pounds for a dress?"

Jesus fucking Christ.

Of course the dress Poppy was going to get was over five thousand pounds. Of fucking course.

Joe shook his head, and even though you agreed, you thought you had a little case of a pot calling a kettle black on your hands here. Joe looked like he was wearing designer pieces exclusively. He probably had gotten a lot of it for free, but retail value would easily be a couple thousand.

So, you wanted to defend Poppy a little.

"If she loves it, she loves it," you shrugged.

"Yea, no, of course,"

"And she looks great,"

"She does."

Joe was quick to just go along with you. Didn't want to ruffle any feathers. He was but a man, one who didn't really get it, but the ladies inside were really going through something together, and when Joe saw you sneak away, he'd followed your lead and had done the same.

"Poppy's got nice family,"

You'd only briefly seen her mother once, but had never actually spoken to her before. Her aunt and cousin were completely strangers to you, but they honestly did seem lovely.

"She does," Joe said, and he let another silence follow as he looked down the street, away from you.

Jeez, Joe. Come on, put some effort in.

"Though her mother definitely doesn't trust me," you couldn't help the slight chuckle at yourself.

Joe's eyes found yours, and he huffed a laugh as he exhaled thick white smoke that immediately blew upwards.

"Nah," he started, "She's all right,"

You looked down at your feet a moment.

"It didn't help that you pretended you barely even know Mark at all," Joe reminded you, and you looked up at him, about to share that she did say that Poppy deserved friends like you, but something about the way Joe was looking at you made the words linger in your lungs.

"What was that about?"

In all the years that you and Joe had avoided conversations like these, suddenly, it felt like the most natural thing between you.

To be talking about your friends like this.

You wondered what changed.

"I... I could tell you, but, I need to warn you. I might cry."

Joe didn't say anything. Just smoked.

"Is being in the vicinity of four crying women not enough?"

It was meant as a joke, but you knew that even just thinking about the start of your friendship with Mark could make your throat hurt.

"No? Need one more?"

You hid your smile badly, but you poked Joe right where it hurt. Joe thought he'd said something wrong and immediately backed off. You thought he either didn't get social cues, just in general, or that maybe you'd been right before, and Joe really didn't actually like you. He'd just tried to be nice for Poppy's sake.

You couldn't even be mad. That just made him a good friend. It just sucked that you had to bear the brunt of it.

But you were kind, remember? So after a short moment of silence, you decided to just tell him anyway.

"When I was 14, my, um... experience, with boys, and honestly, too many adult men, was very..."

You forgot that having to tell him meant you had to say the actual words. Verbalise them. Speak them into the air, just... outside, where you were stood on the pavement, for strangers to hear. For Joe to hear.

"How can I put this without it sounding too dramatic... basically, any time a boy was friendly to me, and I thought I'd made a friend, it was... it was never just friendly. There was always a point where suddenly, they wanted to put their sweaty little teenage hands in... places,"

Oh God, you couldn't look Joe in the eye for this.

"And I don't know, it just... if every time you think you've made a friend you end up finding out that they aren't actually a friend, it um... fucked me up, a little bit,"

You were going to brush over the adult men you mentioned.

"Not to mention the way that you'd then get treated after when you'd kindly say, no thanks, I'd like us to remain friends, please,"

You recalled the way they'd speak to you. Would look at you. Like you'd personally done them a great disservice. Like not letting them touch your tits was the most vile thing you could've ever done to them.

"Adult men?"

Fuck.

Joe's voice couldn't sound smaller if he'd tried.

"Yea, you know... just," you shrugged. Eyes down. This was just what things were like. "Teachers who would squeeze your shoulder for a second too long when they'd reassure you that you really were a beautiful young girl, or, my dad's coworkers that would comment on them being disappointed I wouldn't be in my schooluniform if they'd visit on the weekends,"

"Fucking hell,"

"It's whatever," you kick stomped a foot into the pavement. "It's not like I was molested or anything,"

Joe didn't say anything.

"But so, I'd turned down one of Mark's classmates who couldn't really deal with that and tried to spread rumours, you know, just... teenage boy behaviour, no offence,"

Joe thought back to his own teenage years. Of classmates calling girls lesbians because they avoided kissing them at a park gathering over the weekend. Or them calling girls slags for the exact same reason.

"Mark just... Mark decided to become my friend, and then, actually became my friend. It took me ages to trust that he wouldn't one day try to roll onto me to make out. I just... I kept waiting for him to make a move and the longer it took, the more I knew the world would burn when he eventually would–"

"Pocket," Joe suddenly said.

"Huh?"

"You've got... the tissue I gave you, you put it in your pocket,"

Oh shit. You were crying. A stupid laugh escaped you and you were quick to find the crumpled up piece of tissue.

"I'm all right, honestly," you said, unable to not laugh at yourself. "It's just... it's dumb how much it meant for me to find a friend who wasn't romantically interested in the slightest,"

"I don't think that's dumb,"

Joe looked at you with impossibly big, rounded eyes. All full of things like... empathy, and softness. Zero judgment.

"Well. It is." You concluded. Last thing you needed was for Joe to feel sorry for you.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think that being betrayed and backstabbed a lot as a young girl means that– like, obviously that does– that's not, it's not dumb,"

Joe was going to have to stop talking if he didn't want you to break down right in front of him.

"It's– I think it's profoundly human that those type of things have an impact. Things like that leave marks, don't they?"

The sob that wretched itself from you was the worst thing your body had ever done to you in public. In front of Joe, no less.

It made you duck into yourself, and Joe's arms were around you in an instant. You imagined that Joe hugging you would be arms barely there. Body held back. Just, soft pats on a shoulder blade for just a second.

But it was none of that.

Joe's arms held a lot of strength. Squeezed your ribs tightly. Compressed you. A large palm covered the entire back of your head as he pressed it into the space below his chin.

It somehow eased everything immediately.

Joe smelled nice.

Was warm.

"It's not dumb," Joe started, his voice all soft and velvety. "You're–" but then a loud knock on glass interrupted him and made the two of you turn your heads to see Poppy stood in front of the window. Crying.

The two of you looked at each other, and Poppy's face only scrunched up more at the sight of you.

"Look at her," you said to Joe as he let you go and you didn't even wait for him to finish was he was about to say to you. You rushed inside where Poppy and you fell into a massive hug.

"Are you all right?" she hiccuped through a whisper.

"I am," you smiled over her shoulder. "You just look so very beautiful, it's hard to bear,"

You got a wet laugh out of her before you pulled back.

"This is what you're going to be wearing, right?"

"This is the one," Poppy beamed, and the urge to hug her close overtook again.

By now Joe had made it inside, and you could see him look at the two of you from the side.

"Your wedding is going to be so gorgeous, you have no idea. I can't fucking wait," you said, and Poppy's grip around your neck tightened in excitement.

"It'll be the best day," you continued. "The weather will be lovely, and everyone you love is going to be there to witness you and Mark, saying yes to each other. It'll be beautiful, everyone will be so happy. Good vibes only."

"Don't," Poppy sniffled. "Please don't lose the rings,"

You immediately dropped your shoulders, and a few steps away, Joe let out a loud belly laugh.

You were quick to flip him off behind Poppy's back before pulling back out of Poppy's embrace. Your middle finger aimed at him only made Joe laugh louder.

"Of course I won't," you smiled sweetly at her.

"Trust me. I won't."

—

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(taglist currently full, sorry)

[thedreadvampy]

look I do not want to have this argument in the notes of a 5k+ post bc I will get crucified and so will the person who I'm arguing with

but see I made this post about the use of language and said I thought that words like rape or abuse or suicide are extremely necessary and that they can be uncomfortable words but that's because they're uncomfortable things?

someone in the replies said, quote, "that doesn't excuse y'all reblogging this without trigger warnings"

and like, far be it from me, a guy who spent a non-zero amount of time having panic attacks if I saw Chewbacca merch and once had a day-long dissociative episode because I saw someone carrying a guitar, to say what acceptable triggers are or how people should respond to them

but in this instance. I'm pretty clear that yeah actually it does excuse reblogging it without trigger warnings

because in this post I didn't at any point actually talk about rape, abuse or suicide, I talked about the words "rape", "abuse" and "suicide".

in fact in the original post I don't think I want into any more detail than I would in the tags "tw rape" "tw abuse" or "tw suicide"

which gets under my skin, right, because while there's no problem with choosing to trigger tag that post of you think it's helpful, demanding that this is such an Obviously Triggering post there's a moral obligation to tag it (because it contains the Bad Words) is uhhhhh kind of exactly what I'm talking about?

Language here is mistaken for the thing. Saying the word "rape" is construed as unambiguously harmful in a way that talking about rape without naming it isn't.

I have literally heard people begin to describe a rape, a domestic violence case, a murder, a suicide, in those terms - then stop themselves, change their language, and carry on describing these really specific, upsetting experiences with the clear understanding that they've removed the Problematic Part (now that they're saying "special cuddle" and "adult time" instead of "rape").

Part of what I'm reacting against in that post is exactly that - the idea behind the cutesy euphemisms and the censorship of important words like "death" and "rape" (and frankly "lesbian". and "sex" and "kink" and "porn"), which is this tendency to displace the discomfort caused by the word onto the word itself.

Obviously everyone's experience of trauma is different. But as a survivor I'm not triggered or disturbed by the word "rape", I'm triggered and disturbed by the act of rape, and potentially by conversations which describe or explore or evoke that act or experience.

And frankly I find it hard to believe that a significant plurality, let alone a majority, of people with PTSD connected to rape or abuse are so sensitive to the Word Itself that they must be protected from even hearing it named.

I am particularly clear on this with "rape" and "abuse" because, as I said in the post described, those are unambiguously words coined to create purposeful discomfort, because they're words coined to recognise the harm in very common and normalised actions.

If you've experienced rape, abuse, or whatever, and the words alone for those things are deeply distressing, I'm very sorry for you. That must be awful and I wish you well.

But a lot of the time I think when people start linguistically self-censoring (not "you can't talk about this topic without a trigger warning" but "you can't use this descriptive word without a trigger warning") they're not actually reacting to a debilitating trauma response, but to the fact that hearing the word inspires discomfort, because it puts an appropriate amount of weight on the topic.

you have to trigger tag for "suicide" but not for "unalive yourself" "sewerslide" or "kys"

you have to trigger tag for "death" but not for "no longer with us" "left the world" "unalive"

you have to trigger tag for "rape" but let's be honest not for a description of having sex with someone against their will, as long as you don't call it rape.

(btw people will blame this on the Algorithm but it goes back way further, we were having this Acceptable Words Discourse on Tumblr in 2012, you know? it's definitely accelerated by algorithmic control but this list of Bad Words as a shibboleth for Caring About People is old old bullshit)

(also the idea of trigger tagging on the basis of words rather than meaning strikes me as uhhhh suboptimal? especially when it comes to words created to talk about our experiences? like maybe there's a significant textural difference between a post which uses the word "rape" in a list of words that exist, a post saying "if this happened to you it may have been rape," an exploration of survivor feminism and the political positioning of rape, a list of rape prevention and recovery resources, and a graphic rape fantasy. like any of those might be things I don't wanna see, but they're very different in relation to each other and to my trauma, you know? and not wanting to see explicit discussion of rape doesn't necessarily mean not wanting to Ever Hear The Word. but that's another conversation.)

anyway this is all academic frankly because the thing you're objecting to is that the words are in the post. bc again, trigger tags on this post entail Exactly The Same Amount Of Exploration Of These Topic as the post itself

[vtoriacore-rbs]

this might be a very unpopular opinion BUT the only thing i find wrong with booktok is the fact that the books are not marketed with the proper content warnings! it isn't "dark romance" to stab a knife into your gf's mattress and make her perform some weird acts on it, it's SA in my opinion and that's what it should be tagged as. not some sexy, romantic scene but a fucked up, toxic one. the content isn't problematic for me but the way it's put out as "romance" is because it is NOT romance and definitely not "dark romance" even tho that's what majority of these women put it out as which is HARMFUL to literal kids who are on the app and might finds these disturbing behaviours as normalised and romantic. the lack of consent should be a MAJOR trigger warning to put in books but most of these booktok authors don't even do it which normalises SA and other disturbing issues and that's my personal problem with it.

[neon-rhapsodies]

I'm leaving my family the day after Christmas, if not for good, at least for now.

Content / Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse

Yesterday we had an argument that turned into violence. I was verbally abused and physically attacked. I've been told unspeakable things. A line was crossed. I don't think there's any going back from it.

So, I told them about my decision to leave today. More abuse ensued. Eventually, they gave in. I'm now on a train to the airport to fly back home. Yes, home. Because that's the only home I have now. I'm sorry. I just couldn't stay in a place where I no longer feel safe... a place I can no longer call home.

I intend to remain in contact with my family, if they're interested, but only low contact. I intend to text and call regularly, but not meet in person. It's up to them whether they'll want to respond. I do love them. But I have to love myself too. And I'll still be there for them if they need anything. Money, support, comfort. Just not in person.

I just wish my mother and my siblings understood. I just wish they'd been on my side instead of turning against me. I just wish they'd been with me all along in wanting to do something about the abuse from my father instead of allowing it, repeating it, and normalising it.

I also wish they could have seen how much support I've been giving them over the years, both emotionally and financially. How many times I've been on their side and stood up for them. How many times I've tried to be the better person, because I've always been asked to be the better person, all my life. At 19 when I left to go abroad, and at 29 with a job and a life and a will of my own.

All I did was say that I was unhappy with something, and then I left to go to my room. They could have respected my choice and let me be. Instead, they went after me and begged me to come back. And then, when I said I didn't want to sit next to my father, and went to go to my room again, one of my brothers put his hands on me and tried to restrain me physically. I shook him off and made it upstairs, and then my other brother chased me and started hurling abuse at me. Something like "this is what you people who believe in inclusivity are like" or something like that. I won't even report the things my sister said. They are so unspeakable, I don't even want to see them written down.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I just want to be in a place where I can actually be myself. A place I can call home. Thankfully, at this point in my life, I have everything I need to make that happen. I just wish it didn't have to be like this.

I'm sorry. I hope here at least I can get some support and understanding. Because I might not have a family anymore. I am all I have. And hopefully, all I need.

Thank you for reading this. Have a good holiday, and take care.

P.S. Apologies if there are any typos. I don't have the heart to reread this again. Also, feel free to suggest any better notices or tags for content and trigger warnings, as I'm not used to using these. Thank you in advance for your understanding and help.

[leader-wretched]

My experience with Afrothunderxx96 - Part 2: Conflict (October 2024)

Please read these posts first:

Click here for the introduction post

Click here for Part 1

Trigger Warnings:

Mentions of transphobia

Mentions of death threats

Mentions of trauma, anxiety and depression

Mentions of NSFW (18+) content

Mentions of fictional depictions of sexual abuse and grooming

(All of these trigger warnings are mentions only. Nothing is described in detail to keep this post suitable for all audiences.)

--------

October 2024:

Everything was going very well between Afrothunder and I. I received an invite to Afrothunder's Discord server called "The Super Secret Server of NSFW" after I purchased a commission from her of two of my characters, which is something I had been wanting for a long time.

I was overjoyed to receive my commission and to join Afrothunder's server. I was fully aware that there was going to be NSFW content, and I was happy to be in the server, since I have had to restrict myself from expressing my sense of humour in other servers where my NSFW jokes were not allowed.

Here is the server invite. I completely censored the server image as it depicts nudity:

For a while, things in the server were going well. I made lots of jokes, shared memes, shared artworks and talked about my JSAB AU with Afrothunder. I saw some of Afrothunder's and other people's NSFW drawings, and the ones I saw at this point depicted safe and consensual activity, so I was completely unbothered by them and actually liked some of them.

--------

Transphobia:

Since I was becoming more confident in my drawing abilities, I decided to share some of my drawings I was working on. One of the drawings I shared was a work-in-progress body reference of my version of Cube from my JSAB AU, who is a trans man like me. I drew him in front, side and back view in his underwear and chest binder. I didn't want to draw him nude and I wanted to draw layers over him of all different kinds of clothing items, making the clothes layers like a dress-up game where I can mix and match them to make new outfits.

Afrothunder made a very inappropriate and uncalled for comment about my Cube's body that came across as extremely transphobic. She said "You say he's a guy but he's built like a girl."

I was very upset by her comment for obvious reasons. I responded by editing my post, deleting the image and saying that I will be completely changing my Cube's design so people don't insult him anymore.

I wanted to create positive trans male representation through my Cube, but I received many hurtful comments just like this one Afrothunder made. I have even received transphobic death threats over my drawings of him, which is why I deleted everything from my DeviantArt years ago and since then have only posted my art to trusted private servers. I messaged Afrothunder in her DMs, explaining why I felt the way I did and apologising for my reaction. She apologised as well and I accepted her apology, but something that happened later on totally changed that...

--------

Normalisation and depictions of sexual abuse and grooming:

Soon after, I became exposed to explicit content depicting non-consensual activities created by Afrothunder. It included a short comic with Sam and Macabre and a commission drawing of Cube and two other characters.

Seeing this completely shattered my trust and admiration for Afrothunder. It caused a rehash of trauma for me which made me feel physically sick and unable to sleep properly for many days. It reminded me how people cannot be trusted and brought up feelings where I feel I am better off alone because of the amount of times I've been hurt and let down by people. I never thought someone I supported and cared about would be ok with creating such content. When I tried to bring it up with Afrothunder in her DM's, she accused me of not liking being in her server. I then explained to Afrothunder why the image she created with CTYH Cube upset me, in which she responded by justifying it. Afrothunder said that the sexual abuse, grooming and exploitation depicted in the images she made were her 'fetishes.' I asked her a bunch of questions about it, in which her responses upset me even more because she confirmed that the abuse in the images was something she liked. I was very upset with her and expressed my feelings, saying: "How the actual f### can you be ok with this is beyond me. And to think I used to admire you and look up to you. I honestly don't know if there's any coming back from this. First, you insult my character and give me a half-a##ed apology only after I apologise to you first, now you openly admit you enjoy seeing and drawing r###, grooming and s####l predation? Please tell me this stuff applies to fictional characters only and not real people as well." From this point on, Afrothunder blocked me. I feel like this is avoiding accountability and responsibility for the hurt she caused. -------- (I will be writing and uploading the third post later on describing what happened recently, especially now that she's stooped to the low level of what she just said about me in her recent post knowing what I've been through.)

[womanofdarkdesires]

Contradicting previous anon, he was worried about his weight in dethfashion, and he had some chub with his belly. Sorry about last anon, some people REALLY don't know when to keep it to themselves 🤦‍♀️

yeah i totally see where ppl come from with some headcanons sometimes, but i also feel at the same time the internets weird because not every single thought you have has to be shared online and i feel thats just been normalised a bit too much. especially when its a tricky topic you bring up unprovoked to a random stranger with no trigger warning, because honestly you have no idea what other people have been through and what may trigger them.

and honestly yeah its kinda weird just seeing someome randomly give me their skwisgaar ed headcanon when all my previous asks about it today have been cute fun stuff that made me giggle. yes metalocalypse is a r rated adult show but i still think people on fandom spaces on the internet shouldnt be subjected to unprovoked triggering topics on somewhere they come to talk about their interests without judgement with likeminded people. i think we should also expect not to be triggered unprovoked and im not personally mad at the person who said that i dont want to argue or anytbing i just hope they can realise its not reallt something you should say to a random stranger unprovoked.

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Am I the only one who really HATES that Barbie movie? It LITERALLY NORMALISES BULLYING, EMOTION ABUSE AND GASLIGHTING

I know it’s probably more trouble than what is it worth but I am losing my mind keeping it in. As someone who had been bullied, abused and gaslighted multiple times I am shocked to see how everyone seems totally ok with this movie. Even like it! I mean Sasha’s ENTIRE character LITERALLY just normalises bullying, gaslighting and toxic abusive behaviour!

Just a heads up. I am going to get into some serious shit here. So trigger warning for I will be mentioning more abuse…although again the Barbie movie literally normalises that. But I am here to talk about the real dangers that behaviour can cause, such as depression, self harm and even suicide.

I was really upset watching that godawful scene where the group of girls decided to chew out Barbie like that. I am so SICK of people saying “Oh that’s just teen angst”. NO it is abusive behaviour and it doesn’t matter if it’s a kid or not! If a kid is harassing someone you HAVE to confront them about it or else someone will get REALLY REALLY HURT! They will never learn and continue to hurt others like that as well! This is coming from someone who had to endure this type of behaviour and got into some serious self harm habits. Many kids at school have ACTUALLY committed suicide because of girls like Sasha and her friends! DO NOT ACT LIKE IT IS A NORMAL THING!

I felt so angry at Sasha at that time and I still am but what sickens me is how she gets away with it. I thought it may be introduced as an obstacle to show how HARD it is on people who are the victim. For example, Wreck it Ralph does a good job at showing how hard it is and how that behaviour can effect others and why said behaviour is BAD. While Wreck it Ralph is hard for me to watch when I feel vulnerable other times it makes me feel stronger as it shows I am not alone. I figured it was taking that sort of direction, to show how it is hard but it happens. As a small way to show awareness.

Barbie bounces back and literally forgets it ever happened and Sasha was just a horrible person all the way through and she NEVER apologised. She got away with it as if it was NORMAL and OK! She was even portrayed as one of the heroines of the story! With NO growth or apology or ANYTHING! You see where I am going with this?

I actually ended up crying and having a serious meltdown after the movie because of that. My mother also agrees with me and says she couldn’t stand Sasha and how she reminded her of the girls who used to bully me and torture me like that. I don’t know how the directors didn’t even THINK about how awful that would look! I am surprised that no one in the making of the movie even thought “wait a minute…”. Also this is just going to show kids that it’s normal to do that. NO! It is bad! If your kid treats someone like that you have to talk to them and tell them how harmful that behaviour is!

Am I literally the only one who sees this problem???

Oh and I should also mention how Sasha and her friends thought Barbie was a crazy person who had mental issues. They literally thought she was mentally disabled and decided it would be hilarious to harass her! Like WTF?!!!! HOW IS THIS OK?!!!!

[fishyfishyfishtimes]

Warning ahead of time for talking about aquatic animal death (non-mammal), trying not to talk about food preparation (I think I did good not mentioning specific things), and non-aquatic animal death.

I like watching food videos, which is great and all until it's seafood. It's either going to be palatable to watch or activate discomfort and rage.

The only way I can watch them is if the meat is already prepared, as they should be. Except shellfish (I feel so dumb asking, but that's shrimp as well, yeah? I think yeah).

But, like, there are! So many! Videos! Preparing the seafood Too Much! One was even taking a fish straight from a river and preparing it for eating! You get what I mean? I don't want to say too much.

And because of your efforts in spreading the truth of fish (and other aquatic non-mammals) having feelings and personalities and such, I start thinking... Would there be casual videos of food preparation like this for chickens? Cows? No, no there wouldn't. Because we respect them to some kind of degree, their full preparation would be greatly distressing to watch, wouldn't it? Why is it okay with seafood? You get me?

Not to worry anon, I will tag this appropriately with animal death trigger warning tags. Though I will also have to warn anyone still reading, I will also talk about the killing of animals. A bit of an essay about fish mistreatment and the possible reasons why incoming ^^''

I feel you! I have noticed this worrying trend in society myself, so have many other much wiser fish enthusiasts and activists before me. Publicly showing the preparing of fish from the live animal to the finished dish is... creepily normalised. Especially when this would never be done to mammals! Like that pufferfish meme that was popular some years back, the one where the pufferfish eats a carrot and then moans? That clip is a part of a fuller video where said pufferfish is prepared, fully on screen, into a dish. Even the actual meme, the pufferfish biting into the carrot and moaning is saddening and disturbing to me; the pufferfish is gasping for oxygen and the chef sticks a carrot in its mouth just to show how sharp its beak is, prolonging its fear and suffering.

Something that I think explains this phenomenon, and what I've heard activists talk about, is that what most dictates how we view an animal is how we first come into contact with said animal. We tend to see animals like mammals, birds, beautiful pollinators in everyday life in contexts that tend to value them just for existing as they are, like dogs and cats being pets, songbirds singing and butterflies and bees flying from flower to flower looking pretty. (As a big arthropod fan I acknowledge that invertebrates are often overlooked and underestimated as well! And I also acknowledge that not all mammals and birds are loved equally as they should. But that's a whole other story.)

But fish? Besides aquariums, I don't think people have very many experiences with fish just existing. Many people's first real memory of seeing and interacting with fish might just be going fishing with a relative or a friend. Your first meaningful encounter with a fish and it's said fish being caught with a hook in the lip, out of the water, possibly suffocating or promptly killed to be prepared into a dish? That kind of interaction immediately normalises that fish are more of a service than a group of animals that can be appreciated just as they are. It also normalises catching and preparing of fish unlike any other animal! I'm not saying fishing is inherently horrible, but see how most people don't ever get to see a cow or a chicken being slaughtered? Yet a good chunk of people must have gone fishing at some point or another. This immediately and subconsciously tells us that it's fine to see fish being killed in front of us, because it's normal.

I think what also helps us disregard the emotions and experiences of fish when we see them be killed in front of our eyes is the fact that, as humans, we can have a hard time relating to animals that don't look or emote like we do. Of course fish feel emotions, they feel joy, sadness, anger, love, and they definitely feel terrified to be out of the water and in the hands of a predator! But they don't emote it through facial expressions, they can't scream or wail, they can't wave their limbs like a terrestrial animal in distress would, they can only squirm. The emotions they feel are real, we just don't read them as strongly as we do on other animals. (And even then humans are mighty good at anthropomorphising animals when they shouldn't. Did you know that to other primates smiling is often a threat display, but some humans have gotten hurt by primates for assuming that it's a happy smile and smiling back?) So, once again we can ignore the feelings of fish much easier when they aren't screaming in fear, or crying, or clawing to get out — out of sight, out of mind. This is most likely why some folk think of fish as living decorations, also. It's easy to overlook their personalities when you don't see them displaying their emotions loud and clear.

These two reasons are why I think it's extraordinarily important to teach people about the lives of fish! Sure, fishing will always be a thing and our tendency to look for humanlike expressions is in our DNA. But how easy will it be to disregard fish once you know that cichlids form complex social circles where everyone knows who's who and their exact relationships? How manta rays and cleaner wrasse recognise their own self in a mirror and even in pictures? How catfish talk to each other with drumming sounds? How bettas have unique personalities and enjoy playing? How some sharks like to be pet? I don't think it'll come just as naturally as before. Even one visit to an aquarium or a near body of water can be a lifechanging experience. :)

Thank you anon for presenting such an interesting ask, look how it got me talking! This is all food for thought, for me and to anyone who has gotten this far. I don't think I can ever express how much I love fish. I love their little personalities so much and they all deserve to live their lives to the fullest. I hope that perhaps some people who didn't see it before will be able to see what I see, because life is so much more fun and meaningful when you appreciate all the living things around you! Not just the meowing and barking ones.

[leaderlamby]

TW: Cults

So we really need to talk about the word "cult" and how people use it.

Cults are real and they are serious, horrific, disgusting- nothing to use lightly.

Unfortunately, the word and concept is becoming so normalised and something quirky and fun, and I didn't understand the severity until I've had friends, who have been victims to real cults, tell me how bad it is.

I hate seeing kids online be like "haha let's make a cult for this character I like" - that is not cute or funny. Just say you like the character and go. There is literally nothing wrong with just doing that.

I've had to change some things about myself and this blog since finding out cults are not something to use lightly. What I have/had is more like an unorganised religion, so that's what I'm calling it now.

I highly suggest people stop using the word and watering it down to just- "group of people with common interest".

Research cults and how horrible they actually are. Find some victims' perspectives on it and take it to heart. Stop acting like it's a completely normal thing to joke about.

Keep in mind, there's nothing wrong with enjoying games like Cult of the Lamb, or with being from it, like me. So long as you don't support the actions irl and you add trigger warnings when talking to it.

I take issues like this extremely seriously and I really wish everyone else did as well.

[usedtobecooler]

You're absolutely correct about the minor coding. It triggers a visceral reaction in me when I see that shit, and it's still the stuff that gets high numbers in this fandom. It gives me pause about writing here at all, which is a shame. I enjoy writing and sharing. I enjoy writing smut. I don't kink shame. I'm not a prude. The amount of bridges I've had to burn due to this is outrageous.

i absolutely agree. i’ve never written that type of reader because for one it’s not me or how i act at all, and for two no matter how much you might try to veer away from the reader sounding like a child, it will almost always read that way when using certain phrases and using certain body language.

i’m not kink shaming or at least i’m not trying to, but there is a fine line to be tread between when writing these specific types of characters. porn consumption in general is damaging to the brain, and you have to be aware that, as extreme as this sounds, even in word format it is still damaging in high amounts especially when it is involving this specific kink.

i’m bringing attention to this as an almost solely smut writer. i’m aware that i’m not exempt from this discussion, though i am and have always taken steps and measures to make sure i’m not infantilising women and feeding into this specific kink. we all need to be aware that our work is a part of the over consumption of porn on the internet and try to take precautions to protect ourselves and others (especially underage fans who will still be lurking around, regardless of whether we know it or not) from being exposed to these things in vast amounts, especially when they’re posted with incorrect warnings. normalising unrealistic sexual relationships is another reason why young minds are twisted to believe this is the real normal for all adults.

i’ll also add this — if you believe your favourite character would be attracted to and turned on by women who act like children, do you really think much of them at all? because any man i’ve ever met who genuinely likes that has always been a wrongun.

[talenlee]

Decemberween 2024 — ASMRtists!

Do you know what ASMR is? Yep? Okay, skip to the content warning, I’m just going to talk about some of the ASMR channels I’ve been watching this year.

If you don’t know what ASMR is, it’s a term for describing an experience of a sensation. While causes are highly varied, the effect is usually described as a pleasant, comforting tingling effect across the scalp and shoulders. This sensation does not seem to be experienced by most people, but by a large enough minority that there are general trends in the space that people can experiment with causing. These causes, known offhandedly as ‘triggers’ are sometimes grouped together in forms that make it easy to share them on Youtube or Podcasts, and can be used for relaxation, concentration or, yes, some people use them for a sex thing. Or all three, there’s nothing wrong with concentrating on relaxing sex. Just for the sake of the record, this is the year I heard the idea that it’s possible that the ASMR (autosensory meridian response) experience is a type of synesthesia.

Content Warning: I’m going to share a bunch of ASMR videos and link to their sources. These are straight up videos of people whispering and speaking softly, with amped up background audio to create a ‘fuzzy’ soundscape. Chances are if you don’t know you like ASMR, you might find these videos really unpleasasnt to listen to!

Anyway, these videos, viewed without the context that they literally could be causing a physiognomic response in the audience who experience the effect, can look really weird or ‘cringe’ as the youth say. It’s also a youtube space that’s dominated overwhelmingly by a typical ASMRtist who is an attractive white woman in her 20s to 30s, usually with some cosplay element while the main focus of the video is on her legs, lips, or boobs. And make no mistake, I absolutely know that my ASMR follows include more than a few of those. Too many of them, however, and I feel like a creepy old dude, so I try to ensure there’s a variety in what I give my attention to, and do what I can to fight the algorithmic bias towards more whiteness.

ASMR Wedding Planner Role Play (Soft Spoken)

Watch this video on YouTube

I complain about the algorithm but no lies, it is what put TrashellsASMR on my radar. She makes videos that are small, centered roleplay in very ‘normalised’ experiences. The fantasy offered by these plays is ‘imagine doing something where you are the centre of attention and being listened to, but also, you are not being made to do anything highly demanding.’ There isn’t a reliance on a highly complex narrative (which other ASMRtists I listen to can do), or an alienating oddness (which, again, other ASMRTists I listen to can do).

It’s a reliable, even kind of media that wants to create a sense of place and put you in it, then make you feel okay about being there in that kind of ambience.

Best ASMR show-and-tell of my books to help you sleep

Watch this video on YouTube

I remember finding BillMaxVoxPax‘s videos as a result of not ASMR seeking but listening to math tutorials Decay sent me. Then I wound up on BillMaxVoxPax’s channel watching as he went through his book collection as a near-stereotype of a beardo academic math nerd, whispering his way through a book collection. I started sharing screencaps with Decay, and we had a good time giggling at the idea that this guy is essentially the wizard he would airbrush on his own van.

BillMaxVoxPax does long form plays of sokoban games, which I find challenging to relax to because I’m trying to solve/understand the puzzle while he does. But games that are a bit less complicated to me, like solitaire? He’s good at that.

[ASMR] You Are a Vinyl Record

Watch this video on YouTube

When I do these roundups I try to avoid people I’ve already spoken about just because while I cycle artists out because I don’t find their new stuff compelling, I don’t want new names to push out old names. I am pretty sure I’ve written about the guy called MattasticASMR, in the past, when he did a Walter White roleplay video making candy ASMR.

Still, this past year, Mattastic has undergone a sort of branding update, changing his name to be a little easier to say aloud. Mattastic is also big on novel applications of the camera, such as in this fun video where he positions the viewer as a vinyl record.

ASMR Psychologist Interview | Your Mental Analysis

Watch this video on YouTube

I stumbled on this KarlASMR video — it’s actually quite out of type for his stuff, where he tends towards what I guess I’d call improvisational comedy ASMR? Really good voice, very good ambient sound, and the greenscreen isn’t being used to do anything unnecessarily ambitious.

This is an example of a channel with a small number of great videos but where the majority of what’s there doesn’t appeal to me. Good stuff, not a channel I check everything out immediately.

A Rather Strange™️ Medical Examination | Soft Spoken ASMR Roleplay for Sleep

Watch this video on YouTube

And here’s the ‘one white girl’ slot I gave myself this year. Musing Mira ASMR creates a whole variety of videos on the general theme of ‘pretty lady with a variety of affects gives you personal attention’ space. Sometimes that’s a hairdresser, sometimes that’s a stern artist, sometimes that’s a doctor, that kind of thing. There are some threads though, some plots that go from episode to episode, such as the Rather Strange series. In this, you, the viewer are attending some fairly mundane thing like a hairdresser, a clothes fitting, a medical examination, or a colour sampling, and then the professional you’re dealing with is confused and surprised because of something about you.

The ‘something about you’ is in this case, inevitably supernatural weirdness. She tries to colour match you, and then keeps noticing things you’re doing to mess with her, or out of a desire to please – like she mentions it’d be better if your eyes were a different colour, and you change your eyes while she’s looking elsewhere. Trying to take blood from a vampire, that kind of thing.

This is by no means the bulk of what I listen to when I have been trying to relax my way through complex projects or big things like student marking.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[bulletin-attal-sejourne]

The accession, the Trial, and the Crossroads on the party

Time: 20241117-20241120

Stephane's Steller Week

After weeks of intense negotiations, our guy Sejourne, the former leader of the centrist Renew group in the European Parliament and a close ally of Macron, secured a spot for himself on the European Commission on Wednesday evening. The vote was a resounding success, with a large majority of MEPs confirming Séjourné as one of six executive vice presidents appointed by Commission President Ursula von der Leyen.

THE PRICE OF POWER. The S&D group’s anger at von der Leyen’s deal-making led to threats to sink the EPP’s candidate for the powerful competition and climate portfolio, Teresa Ribera. After intense back-and-forth between the Parliament's political groups, the S&D conceded to von der Leyen on Fitto in exchange for the EPP’s backing of Ribera. The EPP’s support for Ribera only came after she endured questioning by the Spanish parliament regarding her ministry’s management of the deadly flooding in Valencia and refused to commit to resigning if indicted by a court.

A BACKROOM DEAL. The deal, which paved the way for the new Commission to start work on December 1, meant that no country’s nominee was rejected — the first time that this has happened since 1999. Although touted by von der Leyen as proof of the EU’s political unity, the deal, struck behind closed doors between a select group of MEPs, has been criticised by some as a backward step for the power of the European Parliament.

A THREAT TO THE CORDON SANITAIRE? Some Renew, Green and Socialist lawmakers opposed Fitto’s confirmation, arguing that his leadership position, along with that of Séjourné, represented a breaking of the cordon sanitaire between mainstream parties and those on the far right1. The EPP’s decision to back Fitto and Séjourné has led to concerns that it will normalise relations with the far right, potentially paving the way for the future inclusion of such parties in government.

BACK HOME IN FRANCE, Séjourné’s political patron, Emmanuel Macron, is no stranger to forging alliances with those on the right. Since winning a second term as French president in 2022, Macron has been forced to rely on the support of the conservative Les Republicains (LR) party to push through his legislative agenda4. The recent appointment of LR heavyweight Michel Barnier as prime minister was seen as a sign that Macron is willing to do whatever it takes to maintain his grip on power, even if it means sacrificing some of his party's core values.

However, Barnier’s premiership has been marked by a series of political crises. A major crisis revolves around the substantial budget deficit, which reached 6.1% of GDP in 2024, significantly exceeding the initial projection of 4.4%. This issue has triggered sharp criticism of the previous governments, including that of Gabriel Attal, from the Senate and opposition parties, back in Paris...

FINANCE FURORE. As I said in my previous newsletter, the news isn't looking good for our guy Gaby. Senate report on France’s budget deficit, which paints a damning picture of the former Prime Minister’s economic stewardship, would not help his already plummeting sondage. The report, spearheaded by Les Republicains (LR), has not only put Attal in the hot seat, but also threatens to torpedo the fragile “common ground” coalition he needs to achieve his political goals.

The Senate report accuses the Attal government of “irresponsibility” and “inaction” in the face of a rapidly deteriorating fiscal situation.

Specifically, the report criticizes Attal’s decision not to introduce a corrective budget in early 2024, despite warnings from his own finance ministry.

Attal and his former ministers have hit back, calling the report “full of lies” and a “politically motivated attack." They argue they took steps to address the deficit and blame the crisis on a global economic slowdown.

The National Assembly is set to conduct its own inquiry into the budget deficit, though the legal implication is minimal, they may lead to further scrutiny of Attal's time in government.

COALITION CONUNDRUM. The deficit debacle has exposed deep fault lines within the “common ground” coalition that brought together Macron’s centrist EPR with the conservative LR. As Attal sets his sights on the mayorship of Paris, this internal strife presents a major obstacle.

Attal’s relationship with his successor, Prime Minister Michel Barnier, has been characterized by tension and disagreement.

The Senate report, spearheaded by LR, is seen by some as an attempt to distance the conservatives from the economic failures of previous Macron-led governments.

Attal and LR leader Laurent Wauquiez have clashed over policy issues like raising employer contributions and the allocation of key parliamentary posts.

Tensions are high between Attal’s EPR group and their LR partners, with Attal accusing Wauquiez of being more interested in personal gain than in supporting the coalition.

MAYORAL PROSPECTS. Despite the current turmoil, Attal remains a strong contender for the mayorship of Paris. However, he faces a complex political landscape and will need to carefully navigate the challenges ahead.

A recent poll found that 42% of Parisians believe Attal would make a good mayor.

He will likely not face competition with the current Minister of Culture and mayor of the 7th arrondissement, Rachida Dati, but he will need to make a concession with the woman who has long laid her eyes on the position. Similar to what he did with Elizabeth Borne...

While being far less popular, Incumbent mayor Anne Hidalgo has not ruled out running for a third term, and the Socialist Party remains a force in Parisian politics.

Two Path, One Party

As Attal prepares to succeed Sejourne as the head of the Renaissance party on 8th Dec. He would point new direction to the party, namely:

ORGANISATION AND ELECTION. Attal is expected to expand the party's executive board to include more representatives from different regions of France. This move suggests a desire to make the party more inclusive and responsive to local concerns, echoing Stéphane Séjourné's broader efforts to decentralise Renaissance.

CONTROL OVER NOMINATIONS. Attal plans to appoint Franck Riester, one of his close allies, as the head of the elections division and the president of the National Investment Commission (CNI). This strategic placement will give Attal a key advantage in shaping the party's electoral landscape and promoting candidates aligned with his vision.

POST-MACRON MOMENTUM. Attal's leadership could also lead to a shift in power dynamics within the Renaissance, potentially diminishing the influence of long-standing Macron loyalists. Sources suggest that Attal aims to "dilute the weight" of figures like Richard Ferrand and Stanislas Guerini who currently hold significant sway within the party as de facto official members, despite barely participating in any party works or burex meetings. This move could signal a desire to assert his own authority and potentially distance the party from its close association with Macron, especially as he prepares for a potential presidential bid in 2027.

No one else was in the room where it happened

Here is what I want to know so badly but have no clue about because well, I, like my dear audience, am but a very ordinary citizen:

Regarding the AN grill on the abuse of power as caretaking government, of which both GA and StS were invited last week and today afternoon respectively, what are asked? What are the results?

Did Stephane play any role in settling this EVP trial?

Most importantly, are Gabriel Attal and Stephane Sejourne, uh-hem, together?

If you happen to be 'the one in knows' and are willing to fill the appetites of curiosity from your servants, welcome to DM me. I am all ears :)