ok im not going to tag this but i need you guys to know that my endgame ships for eridan and karkat are
eridan ♦️ karkat
eridan ♥️ roxy
roxy ♦️ calliope
eridan ♠️ calliope
karkat ♥️ calliope
i call it "the polycule only a blood player could love" and although it manages to be perfectly healthy, from the outside, everyone looks like they're cheating on everyone else. nepeta is staring at it going ":33 < dodged a fucking bullet!!!"
Eridan ♦️ Karkat
the ship with the most canon backing. this ship needs to be true before all other ships can be true because it keeps the two of them normal enough to have a shot at romancing anybody else. nobody realized they were pale for each other for an embarrasingly long time because their regular day to day conversations feature slurs and death threats. sometimes looks pitch or flushed from the outside because karkat is a mess who can't stop yelling at people he's trying to romance in the red quads, and because eridan gets really needy sometimes.
Eridan ♥️ Roxy
They get together within five minutes of knowing each other and, despite Rose's protests, never ever break up. Eridan is into cute, pink, bubbly, nice girls, and Roxy is into eccentric troubled princes. Not to mention she fucking loves wizards, and Eridan is a wizard, and that they're both hipsters who use rifles. Also Eridan is weird as hell and Roxy thinks he's hilarious for it. Despite the fact that he puts on this unpleasant, nasty act, he'll pretty much do anything Roxy tells him to, and she likes that. She thinks he has himbo energy. Everyone else thinks she's deranged. Like girl that guy is an insane murderer. Girl he will not stop saying slurs
also their specific abilities are diametrically opposed in an interesting way? prince of hope = can destroy anything he believes he can destroy, rogue of void = can create anything by stealing away its nonexistence. neat!
Roxy ♦️ Calliope
since they aren't trolls and don't need to calm each other down, it's not really a proper moirallegiance, but they're bffffffs and the kinds of silly fun-loving gals who would call their friendship a moirallegiance even if it doesn't have the biological components or serve the social function of one. Two girls that just love each other.
Eridan ♠️ Calliope
biologically, cherubs only engage in pitch romances and are attracted to other cherubs that remind them of the other half they lost in predomination. what i'm saying is that calliope - unfortunately for her - has brother issues. initially put off by eridan's superficial similarities to caliborn - his bluster, his riflekind, his insane logic and thick skull, and how damn often he talks about murder - as they get to know each other, the feeling becomes mutual. eridan is generally totally ok with outright hostility, but calliope's faux-nice smugness when taunting an opponent would drive him nuts, as would the earnestness with which she approaches magic (what kind of POSER needs to RELOAD their WAND), and in general, i think he'd take her genuine well-wishes toward other people as a personal affront, a la "i didn't ever need anybody to look after me!"
they somehow have a 50/50 win ratio at the board games they play, which drives calliope nuts. "believing in your pieces" is not a valid chess strategy!!!!!!!!!
also i think it's fun and thematic, the angel killer and the cherub, whose adult form features hope-shaped wings.
Karkat ♥️ Calliope
We know two things from his crush on terezi: the first is that karkat is into clever, cunning gals, and the second is that he's really fucking messy, the kind of guy who would tell his flushed crush to "set the table on his bone bulge for their candle light hate date." Fortunately, or unfortunately??? for calliope, the fact that he will scream obscenities at her is kind of what she's into. everybody, please, a moment of silence for calliope, who somehow manages to have worse taste in men than roxy.
but yeah more seriously, karkat has a big and loving heart, and so does calliope, while calliope maintains a cleverness and intellect that karkat would be into.
normally, it would be a huge problem for your moirail to be pitch for your matesprit, and we have that both ways here. however, a few factors are mitigating that here. first, eridan will always prioritize karkat or roxy over calliope when they're around. this actually does kind of piss her off, although she feels annoyed that it does. second, calliope is generally mature enough to compartmentalize. third, karkat WILL auspicetize if they aren't careful, and nobody wants that. and fourth, everybody wants to keep roxy happy.
but yeah everyone else watching it is like. are you guys okay? blink if you need help
ofc ship what you want to ship this is not at all me telling you what you should be into. im just saying that these ships have been calculated for Maximum Funnyness, which as we know, is the only objective measure for what makes a good homestuck ship
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the thing that cracks me up is that louis and lestat literally don’t even sleep in the Only One Bed. like. they have a whole secret separate room where they ACTUALLY sleep (in coffins <3). at multiple points in the show there are comments from other characters including the Fucking Cops about how everyone knows louis and lestat only have one bed upstairs. and it’s a Whole Issue. because being gay was literally illegal and the Actual Fucking Cops were in their fake bedroom poking around under their One Bed and drawing. the appropriate conclusions. about louis and lestat’s relationship. except the thing is. that they don’t even fucking sleep in the bed! the bed is already a front it’s already a piece of theatre its only purpose is to be their “look at us definitely just Two Normal Guys” statement. and yet. i think about this all the time actually. they went to all the trouble of creating a separate fake bedroom appropriate for public consumption in case anyone went upstairs in their house. and yet. they didn’t even bother putting two beds in it! they could have just had two beds! they could have avoided the entire issue with the extremely thinly veiled “we could 100% DEFINITELY get you on indecency charges anytime we like as we have literally Seen The Evidence" threats from the cops! they could have just. done that. but they were so caught up in the euphoria of successfully concealing the evidence of their vampiric lifestyle that they lived in a world in which being gay wasn’t also illegal, i guess
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haha i remember the first time i was dating a short girl (as a pretty short woman myself) and the extreme euphoria of being the tall one for once was so intense ... like, having her look UP at me?? tilt her chin up to kiss me???!!!!! i remember dating straight guys who almost universally would tell me how small i was as a compliment to which i'd always be like >:( >:( NO i wanna be LARGE
screaming anon you are literally me this is 1000% my entire personality I GET IT!!!
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