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oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat · 10 months

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To Swear on the River Styx

First fic ever in this fandom, and it's a crackfic.

Taglist: @amazon-me-bitches @yourchemicallyimbalancedromance

Pairing: none, gen

Trigger/Content Warning: major spoilers, uncensored cussing, alcohol, drinking, sexual humour, crude humour, threats of violence, cringe

Description: Hades managed to break Homer's entire reality in half. Turns out a fellow college student tears Hades' reality in half, as well.

And Hermes really needs to stop flirting with everyone before Hades sends him to the Afterlife himself.

Extra: I wrote this in one day. I apologize in advance for any and all errors. It's unedited. Also, Lesches Dichter is my own original character. I claim all rights to them as I created them specifically.

[Masterlist] | ao3 link

[Read under the cut]

If you haven't had your mind broken at least once in college, then you haven't been to college long enough.

One week. All it took was just one week, and Homer had his Existential Crisis for the term. Thanks to rooming with a literal deity- how the fuck did that happen- and said deity had little-to-no regard for mortals' minds. Hades; Lord of the Underworld, Greek God, one of the Big Three.

One of the laziest, emo-tastic people Homer ever met.

Speaking of Hades, he landed himself in a unique situation. He's stuck in a mortal body, in community college, and has to deal with godforsaken family. He's only seen one of them so far, and one is far more than enough. On top of that, he makes a wager- more like a deal, but whatever- with his mortal roommate. It's almost comical how it came to be. Homer wanting to be granted Elysium, a place for legendary heroes and mortals who managed to do cool shit. 'If I can show you one cool thing about mortals,' Hades remembers him saying, rolling his eyes at the memory. 'Then you will grant me passage to Elysium.'

At such an absurd wager, Hades had even offered to escort the mortal there himself. If he wins, that is. He has high doubts that Homer could manage such a feat. Such a doughy mortal, the motherfucker. He'd hardly be able to handle a crocodile! Or even a boar! Do you know how easy those things are to defeat? Yeah, no way in all of the Underworld is Homer going to win this wager.

Especially not with Hades' family running about the campus.

Speaking of the Olympians-

Someone wrestles around with a group of frat boys, their laugh echoing from deep within their chest as they come out on top. Again. They're blonde, blue-eyed, and have a muscular build. They're generally tall with waves of hair tied back into a ponytail. Fitted in a tank top and ripped jeans, other frat boys are cheering them- him, if the cheers are right- on from around the field where they all fuck around. There's a plastic lawn table with red solo cups, most of which are either empty trash or filled with some sort of alcohol. A few of the guys not getting their asses handed to them are sipping away at their red cups. The mystery dude practically slams someone to the ground, and a loud set of cheers echo in response.

Blonde, reckless, and worshipped by an entire fraternity?

Oh fucking- that's Zeus, isn't it?

Hades watches for moment longer, have been walking around campus to make sense of his dumb mortal classes and where they are, before he starts speed-walking as far away as he possibly can. In no way in the Afterlife does he want to get seen by his arrogant brother. That utter godly buffoon has enough shitass ego to last him an eternity. And Hades rather not deal with it, unless he absolutely has to in a can't-escape-this-mortal-badhell way.

Isn't Hermes enough? Do I really need my entire fucking family to be here?

Apparently, he does. As soon as he thinks he's far enough away from his accursed brother, he hears the unfortunate reality call after him.

"Oh, my dear brother! Is that you, you introverted downer?" Zeus yells out, having noticed the grim aura from his fellow god.

Out of reflex, Hades heads toward the nearest shadow and whooshes into invisibility to get away from him. He shadow-walks all the way back to his dorm, not caring if he doesn't find his classes for tomorrow. Mortal subjects are useless, anyway. Who needs math?

Anything to get away from his brother.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as Hades pops back into the dorm, he scares the living shit out of his studying roommate.

Homer jumps from his seat on his bed, almost knocking his highlighters onto the floor. He has a few notebooks out, pens and writing utensils, and a printed version of his class schedule all laid out in front of him. He seems to be preparing for the upcoming class week.

"Right, that's something you do. I need to get used to that," he mutters to himself, though not unheard by Hades.

Homer returns to colour-coding his different Gen-Eds as the resident Greek God simply ignores him and heads out to the joint living room. He watches Hades leave for a moment, raising an eyebrow at the silent departure. He dismisses it, taking it as Hades... well, being Hades.

Mr. Emo-With-A-God-Complex sits and lounges around on the couch, trying to calm down from almost having to interact with his stupid family. In all honesty, he rather Hermes over Zeus. Don't tell them that. Zeus will go excuse-me-I-am-ZEUS-almighty-god-of-the-gods, and Hermes will take it as Hades actually liking him. Which he doesn't. Cause they're both absolutely aggravating on a good day. And most days aren't good, especially not with those two.

A knock on the door interrupts Hades' much-needed lazy time, and he groans audibly. He waits for Homer to answer it- he's a Greek God, why should he answer the door like a mortal commoner- but after a few seconds of nothing, no one answers. He gets up and heads to their shared room, very much annoyed, only to find Homer with some fancy contraption over his ears as he lightly bops his head to whatever sound it could be making. In reality, he's just wearing wireless earbuds. He's still sorting out his notebooks for specific classes. Hades rolls his eyes, walking off to the door. He answers it after the person knocks again, and he swings it open. He's about to curse whatever mortal dare interrupt him, stopping himself when he sees both Hermes and a random mortal student at the door. The mortal raises a judgmental eyebrow once they see Hades, but they stay silent as Hermes gasps.

"Hades! You, answering the door? That's new," Hermes exclaims as if it's Greece's newest gossip.

"What are you doing here, Hermes?" Hades is already considering whether or not to slam the door on him.

"Oh, well, I thought I'd visit my favourite introvert. Plus, my roommate needed to find their cousin, or something."

Upon hearing Hermes' voice, considering he's a god, Homer appears to the side of Hades. His earbuds are nowhere to be seen, but he does carry a notebook under his arm. A red pen is slotted behind his ear. Hermes' roommate looks to Homer, recognizing him immediately, and nods a hello. Homer sees the fellow mortal, apparently his cousin, and his face lights up.

"Lessie! What are you doing here? Come in, come in," Homer says excitedly.

His cousin makes a pointed nod at Hades. A silent question: what about him?

"Ignore him. He's a jackass at best," Homer answers, wearing a deadpan look.

Hades sharply turns to Homer, "Excuse me, I am a god, you foolish mortal man-"

"See?"

Hades' indignant sounds get ignored as Homer and his cousin wander off to the living space. Hermes snickers at his fellow Olympian as the two mortals start catching up. Hades turns back to Hermes with a glare.

Over on the couch, Homer sits next to his younger cousin. They wear a gemstone pendant, a blue lace agate on dark string. It's wrapped in a silver holder with a golden caduceus etched into the pretty stone. They wear a dark leather, spiked jacket with a dark blue shirt underneath. Their jeans are black and ripped, a chain hooked on one beltloop to another. A thin bracelet, made of beige and white thread, sits on their wrist. A bead with the capital letter 'H' is in the center of the bracelet. Rose gold-rimmed, circular glasses sit neatly on their nose.

Homer notices the bracelet, and a thrilled gasp slips from him.

"Oh, you kept the friendship bracelet I made?" he says.

His cousin snorts at him.

"No, I threw it away. This is a copied clone of the weird-ass, coloured possession you made me. Totally not from when I was seven, and you insisted on making me a piece of jewelry," they speak in thick sarcasm.

"Oh, ha ha, Lesches. It's nice to see you!"

"Nice to see you too, Homer."

"So, why are you here at Matthessy? I thought you were heading to Italy to study psychology."

"Ah, that... it kinda fell through last minute, so I had to look for somewhere else. Luckily, I just need to focus on my general education before my major classes need to be done."

"Aw, and you were looking forward to Italy. Well, that means we can hang out again!"

"Just glad I know someone here."

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

"So, why community college? Mom won't tell me shit nowadays."

"Aunt Karla still so private, huh?"

"Be glad you aren't her child."

"Heh, yeah... anyways, you know how I got that Chemical Engineering degree? But it went nowhere?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I decided to come back to college to make something of myself! But-"

"-you had an existential crisis involving the harsh reality of Greek Gods and the Afterlife being real?"

"...how-"

"-did I know? 'Mer, I'm a psychology major. I kinda figured once I saw your roommate is the literal God of the Underworld. Rooming with Hades ain't gonna be without a few crises here and there."

"I forgot how perceptive you were."

"Eh, works well in my targeted career."

"True."

As the mortal cousins continue to chat away, Hermes and Hades are bickering at the doorway. Or more like Hades is bickering, and Hermes is enjoying messing with his introverted ass. Hermes keeps sneaking glances at Homer, being a flirty fuck, and Hades is two seconds from throwing him out a window.

"Stop eye-fucking my roommate for two fucking seconds, I swear to Olympus-"

"Aw, you're no fun. It's funny how confused he gets when he catches my eye! Besides, I thought you didn't care about mortals? Had a change of heart so soon?"

"No, you're just fucking annoying."

"Ugh-"

"Really, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, that reminds me! A letter from-"

"Oh, great Me, please not another cursed letter-"

"No, not that kind of letter. I checked."

Hades raises a doubtful eyebrow at Hermes as he pulls out a deep red envelop, sealed with a wax-pressed butterfly weed. The wax is a shade lighter than the flower, but not by much. Hades takes it and turns it over. The other side has nothing but his name written in golden, cursive font. Nothing is signed. There're no clues to who could've sent it. Just like when he blacked out...

"You're sure it's not another letter to knock me out? Nothing of Zeus' shit he likes to pull?"

"Nothing from Zeus. It just showed up on the front of my door, addressed to you, and a little note saying the contents were meant for your eyes only. I tried opening it-"

"You're a bastard."

"-but it seems to be... magically sealed. Some sort of blood seal, if Hecate still knows her stuff."

"Oh no, she's here too-"

"I literally said we're all here."

"Are you sure she's not the one who sent it?"

"I asked. She said no."

"That tells me nothing. She could be fucking lying-"

"Plus, she has no reason to fuck with you. In any sort of way."

Hades gives Hermes a tired glare. Hermes smirks. Hades rolls his eyes, moving on.

"Are all the others cursed with a mortal roommate, or...?"

"Oh, it's everyone! Mine hates me for some reason."

"I wonder why."

"They keep threatening to hurt me. Such a jerk. And they're so freaky. Made me question some things I rather stay in denial about..."

Hades highly doubts that a mere mortal could traumatize a literal god, but it's also Hermes.

"Is yours also oddly named after a poet from our time, or is it just me?"

"Yeah, no kidding. Mine's name is Lesches Dichter."

"Yeah, Homer is no different."

"Weirdos."

"Fucking mortals and their fucking stupid names."

Or it's just because Lesches and Homer are related, but hey, the gods are stupid.

Back with the mortals, Lesches stands as they read the time on the dorm room clock. Homer stands with them, offering a hug goodbye. They two embrace briefly, happy to hang out again after all those years. Blame Aunt Karla.

"Alright, I should go before Hermes decides to flirt with some poor innocent again."

"Okay, about that. Is it just me, or does he... is he just really flirty?"

"Oh, he does that with everyone. Mostly with guys, as far as I know, but you're not the only one."

"Did he ever try flirting with you?"

"Right up until I threatened to cut his baby dick off, yeah."

"Oh god, you didn't-"

"He wouldn't shut up! I had to say something. Plus, I got a cool appeasement gift from it," Lesches says as they gesture to their pendant.

"Woah, that's neat. Is that... his symbol?"

"And his 'signature gemstone' or whatever. He gave me it in exchange to try to not traumatize him again."

Homer pauses.

"Wha- what did you do?"

"Just on my nihilist high. Nothing too extreme."

"That could mean anything coming from you."

"Well-"

"Lesches."

"Okay, okay. I might've, ya know, told him the reality of having a mortal body and how easily he could die and be forgotten and fade away-"

"Oh my god, Lessie!"

"What?"

"You can't just... why? Why would you do that?"

"It's funny."

"To what? Traumatize a god?"

"Yes, and I won't pretend it's not."

"Don't quote memes to me right now. You could get killed, Lessie! The gods aren't kind people."

"Eh, they're not that bad as long you traumatize them before they traumatize you."

Homer sighs.

"Besides, Hermes isn't the only god I've met."

"Oh, good god-"

"Persephone is close by my dorm, and she's pretty neat. Didn't even need to traumatize her."

Hades, of course, perks up at the mention of his wife. Or whatever is going on between them right now. Hermes rolls his eyes at the Olympian. He leans against the doorframe as Hades walks over to the mortals on the couch, feigning indifference and crossing his arms. His face clearly shows anything but, though.

"You've talked to Persephone? A mere mortal, really?"

"Funny, she didn't mention you, Hades. Maybe don't be an ass?"

Homer just sits there, frozen in his seat as Lesches sasses a Greek God as if Hades were scum. They hear a quiet "ooooh" from the doorway, probably from Hermes.

Hades scoffs, "I am a Greek God, an Olympian-"

"And I don't care, Mr. Nihilist-With-Boomer-Humour. Go sulk about your whatever-the-fuck where someone actually wants you. Maybe learn to treat mortals better, and then your beloved won't ghost you anymore."

Hades is stunned to silence by this mortal's utter insolence.

"Anyway, I should be going. Hecate said something about needing some ingredients for a spell, and I rather be on her good side. See ya later, 'Mer. Let me know if ya need me to kick some jerk's ass."

Homer nods a goodbye as Lesches heads for the door, equally stunned by his cousin's actions. To be fair, this is pretty on-brand for them to do, but still. Hades is already a prick enough. He doesn't need anything else to aggravate him.

Unfortunately, Hades is still very offended as he turns and nearly stomps over to Lesches in a rageful fit.

"You should be tossed into Tartarus for your disrespect! I am a god and should be treated as such."

Lesches turns to Hades right before they walk through the door. Both Homer and Hermes respectively watch as the angry tension thickens in the air.

"You're right," Lesches says with a smirk, bowing as if to mock the god before them. "I apologize. Perhaps I shall make it up to you by sharing valuable information you'll need to get being mortal over with."

Hades stops for a moment, not expecting the apology. He doesn't realize the pure sarcasm that drips from Lesches' tongue like sweet poison, and he hums in honest consideration.

"Since you seem so eager, go on and share," Hades says.

Lesches' eye sparkle with mischief that Homer recognizes.

"Oh no-" he mutters under his breath.

"Oh, I know that look. I'm out, nuh uh. Not again," Hermes says before bolting off.

Hades ignores the God of Swiftness as he stares at Lesches expectantly. Homer hides his face in his hands in preparation, scared for what his cousin is about to pull.

"I've told this to Hermes, but I believe you'll benefit from it too. You have been trapped in a mortal body because someone, whoever it is, willed it to be. Once in this mortal body, mortal rules apply. Sure, you have some of your powers, but you're now a mortal like the rest of us. This means you can die like a mortal. No one cares about your life, Hades. We all go to the same place afterwards, so what's the point? What's the purpose? What's the use in anything when nothing we do matters in the end? You live like a mortal; you die like a mortal. You'll be forgotten like a mortal. You'll fade away, powerless and ignored, never to be praised or worshipped again. Remember Helios? No, no one knows him. He used to control the Sun, and now that's Apollo's job. Who will rule over the Underworld when you've faded away? My bet is on Persephone. She's kinder, more organized, better than you by a landslide. I wonder what us mortals will think then? Oh, great Persephone, great Goddess of the Underworld. Hades, who's that? Who's he? Sounds weird, sounds lost and forgotten. Let's focus back to everyone else, the real Gods of Olympus. How would you cope, knowing you were nothing but a lost ideal?"

Hades, in every right, stands there frozen. He blinks and blinks, and blinks, unable to respond to that. How does one respond to that, anyway? When someone force-feeds you the harsh truth of your mortal reality? When reality comes slamming down upon you like a sledgehammer? What do you do then? What can you do? You just stand there, processing something indecipherably cruel to your mind, breaking in half again and again. There's nothing you can do, not really. Nothing, nothing at all.

Homer exhales sharply from his seat on the couch, watching free-from-hands as everything goes down. One hand is over his mouth as he glances between the broken-down look on Hades and Lesches. He slowly stands up and walks over to the two of them, rubbing his face as he steps by Hades and next to his cousin. He leans by their ear, taking in his roommate's state.

"I think you broke him," he whispers.

"Maybe just a little," Lesches whispers back.

"What do we do?"

"Just leave him, I guess. That's what I did to Hermes."

"You gotta stop traumatizing Greek Gods."

"Ha, no."

"Les, he's frozen."

"'Mer, he's fine."

"Les."

"He'll be fine later. Just walk around him until he moves, or something."

"Okay," Homer says as he sighs.

Lesches puts a calm hand on their cousin's shoulder, giving a warm smile.

"I'll see you later, 'Mer. Good luck with your Greek-Wannabe, yeah?"

"Yeah, you too. Coffee shop this weekend?"

"Sounds like a plan. Bye, cousin."

"Bye, Lessie."

The cousins give one last hug before Lesches leaves. Homer steps around Hades as he heads back to their shared room, wanting to go back to class preparation.

As Lesches walks back to their own dorm, they pass by Hermes trying to flirt with an unsuspecting student. They roll their eyes as they grab him by the shirt, dragging him away as he says some sort of goodbye to his latest target.

"Ya done traumatizing one of the Big Three?" Hermes makes small talk as Lesches lets go of his shirt.

They walk side by side.

"For now. Poor sap froze mid-lecture."

"Worse than me?"

"No."

"It's Hades, he's worse than everyone."

"Worse than Zeus, Lord of Dicking?"

"...no, but why do you have to call him that?"

"It's funny."

"Well, if you like funny, then why don't we-"

"I will cut your baby dick off with a pair of rusty, dulled scissors."

"Okay, then."

Hermes stays silent after that as they walk back to their dorm.

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The day ends with Hades having an existential crisis, Homer preparing for his classes, and with Hermes and Lesches walking in peace back to their dorm. Plenty of things go unanswered, however. Who sent that letter with the butterfly weed? Why is it addressed to Hades, and only for his eyes? What spell does Hecate need a mortal's help for? Why won't Persephone talk to Hades? What's with the Greek Gods being everywhere?

And most importantly: how the fuck is Homer going to win the wager with his reckless cousin running about at Matthessy?

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