#nobody talk to me about my finances

[shogunish]

pro tip: never start cosplaying, this shit cooks your bank account

[helslastangel]

RANDOM ASTRO OBSERVATIONS #10

Nobody's safe. That's it. That's the disclaimer.

Libra Jupiter in 11th house can indicate having many opportunities in life that come through friendships and connections with others. People with this placement can often get very far in life simply because they talked to the right people at the right times. This is especially true if they also have Libra in their big 3 or Libra mercury.

Capricorn suns with Sagittarius mercury are surprisingly chill compared to the usual stoic reputation of Capricorn and energetic rep that Sagittarius has. My favorite friends and colleagues have this combination of placements and they are quite easy to get along with and fun to be around.

Very much like Virgo suns with Libra mercury, they can appear quiet and reserved at first, but become lively and chatty once they know you and have decided they like you. However unlike Virgo sun/Libra mercury people (who usually censor their words/tone and think out loud or form their opinions by talking through them first), not only are they a lot blunter (or straightforward, when older), they are more sure about where they stand, or certain of what they want to say on a topic before they say it.

Libra Mercury in the 11th house can have a lot of friends or just make and keep acquaintances very easily. These are the people who always "know a guy" or can say "my homegirl does that!" almost no matter what problem or need you have. They just know someone who can fix it. They are popular people, or at least seem that way to others.

They can sometimes appear to have a much larger network of friends and connections than they do, which is why many of them tend to either keep their friend/friend groups separate or may prefer to maintain superficial/lightweight connections with others over deeper and more intimate connections that would reveal more.

Capricorn Venus in 8th house people can go through a lot of one-sided relationships before landing the right person. They are probably the most caring and attentive of all the Venus sigs, but from my observations they are taken advantage of a lot and often treated very poorly by the majority of their partners.

My childhood friend has this placement (as well as a few of my relatives) and for over a decade I watched her pour so much love and care into men who ended up treating her like an afterthought. I never understood why, as she was very much what you'd think most males would consider wifey material.

She cooked, baked, was organized, and very clean. Motherly instincts intact, had a good job in healthcare and her own place. Knew how to kick back and have fun but could also be appropriately authoritative in the sense of managing a household. Like you could just tell she would be a firm yet loving mother, or even if she did not have kids, you could tell she would be the kind of wife where the husband could hand her his entire paycheck if he wanted and not have to worry for a second that she would blow it on anything foolish. Very capable and responsible woman. I used to get so angry at the way men would come into her life and enjoy all the things she would do for them, including having her manage their money. It was a bit surprising for me how quickly and easily men would put their finances in her hands, only for them to abruptly leave - usually for a woman who was chaotic and stressful too. I did not understand it then, and despite hearing all the talk about how men go for who they are passionate about even if they are the least productive, responsible, or capable person ever, I still don't get it now.

Capricorn in the 8th house can lead to a lot of situations where the native ends up handling other people's money because people can sense their stable energy and innate responsibility. But it can lead to the person feeling like they are nothing but a personal assistant or sentient savings account to others, and over time they can become (100% understandably) bitter if they do not meet someone genuine and kind in time to avoid this.

Aquarius in 6th house can have unusual or eccentric daily routines, or little quirks in the way they go about day to day tasks and responsibilities. I knew someone with this placement who could only brush his teeth in the morning and shower at night. He couldn't really bring himself to do it the other way around and would simply not do the thing at all that day if something disrupted that routine. He also had a job where his # of hours was consistent but his actual shift times weren't and he liked it that way "for the variety." He hated the thought of a schedule where he would have to arrive and leave at the same time every day.

Cancer Lilith in 1st house women can often run into situations where men string them along for a very, very long time. These men sense the stereotypical "nurturing/motherly" essence of Cancer but Cancer Lilith women display a unique twist on this essence where it is very clear to onlookers that her individuality and sense of self cannot be watered down or blended out into others.

Cancer Lilith 1H (and to a lesser extent Taurus Lilith 1H) women are the type who can have a husband, kids, work and manage the home without losing a single ounce of who they always were.

From my observations, they usually don't experience the fate many women meet, where they wake up one day and realize that they haven't even heard their first name in weeks because they're only remembered and referred to in terms of who they are to someone else ("Mom," "John's girlfriend," "Mr. Jones' wife").

Unfortunately, this rubs some men the wrong way, who will then subconsciously try to hang on to the parts of the Cancer Lilith women they like, while searching for other women who don't trigger their fear of women who retain their personality after marriage/children.

Gemini Sun Virgo Rising people can appear put-together and organized in public but could have very messy rooms or just have trouble keeping things in order at home.

People with Pisces in their 7th house might feel torn between going after people they are genuinely attracted to and people they perceive to be a better match, for whatever reason. They could also end up confusing the sense of security they feel with someone for love, or feeling more secure with someone than they should because of love.

Gemini Mars in 10th house does not mind going out of their comfort zone to further their career. They may even set aside their own values and morals if they believe that doing something will produce a good return on their investment (of time, effort, money, etc.).

Taurus Mercury in 9th house enjoys talking to people from other cultures about the foods they eat and what their daily routines and special/holiday ritual are like. They enjoy learning about other cultures on a more down-to-earth level, so they might be less interested in other philosophies and more into sensory differences.

Cancer Moon in 11th house identifies VERY strongly with their friend group and can become depressed or ill if there is too much discord between themselves and their friends, or between their friends with each other. They do not take kindly to any kind of abandonment from friends, real or imagined. If they decide you have left them or betrayed them one too many times, they will simply never speak to you again.

Virgo Mars people can be extremely picky when it comes to partners. One of my childhood friends has this placement and despite being a Sagittarius Sun & Mercury (along with having Venus in 9H), she barely has a romantic interest in anyone. She's not aromantic or asexual; she just gets the ick so easily that it is difficult for her to like anyone enough to date them for long. She didn't go into detail most of the time. She was the furthest from the kiss-and-tell kind of person, she would barely tell anyone even the name or age of anyone she was interested in, much less give details about her specific icks.

I tend to attract Virgo Mars people platonically and romantically quite often though, so I have other examples of the same trait.

My ex-husband is a Virgo sun with Virgo Mars and Leo Venus and the smallest things would throw him off. Like if I made scrambled eggs and all the pieces weren't perfectly yellow (if any got slightly browned, he would consider the entire pot as "burnt" and would ruin his day). If I did laundry and did not strictly separate the colors (I will wash black, dark grey, and bold colors clothes together. He will separate them all. I will wash off-white and very light grey or beige with white clothes. He would look at me crazy and ask me to just do a different household chore and leave the laundry to him. Hea

He also apparently got the ick from my frugality? Lol. I had cheap sneakers and dollar-store headphones when we first got together. A few weeks later he asked where I was and I told him I was at the mall with a friend. He showed up and wordlessly gave me brand-new Samsung Galaxy earbuds before driving home lmao. Then a couple weeks after that he bought me new AirMaxes and made it a point to tell me that my existing sneakers were so cheap. And that he got good ones for me in a style that "makes your feet look smaller." I guess my foot size was not to his liking. Lol. I'm almost 6 feet tall and wear size 9.5/10 women's shoes (for males reading this, that is around 8/8.5 in your sizes, so don't start, pls

A previous ex of mine (Cancer Sun) also had Virgo Mars (and Venus) but he had the opposite ick - he didn't like that I always wore nice jeans and blouses even if we were only going to Walmart or his friends' houses. Apparently, it was "off-putting" for him that I was "too fancy, never just dress down and look comfortable, even in the house." I was like... but I am comfortable? And he would be like, "Nah you're so fancy all the time, it's kinda weird, like do you even own any sweatpants? Your hair is never messy? It's like you're never just relaxed."

Um, as a Scorpio Venus/Jupiter, Libra Mercury person, messy hair will never be in the same room as comfortable for me but we are broken up for a reason, LOL.

Yeah Virgo Mars are just really, really picky. Idk how else to put it. They might be bothered by very different things, but they're all bothered in general! Love 'em regardless, they're also attentive and will know what you like and also what you need.

Leo Mars in 2nd house can have a hard time feeling satisfied with what they own or with their level of skill in certain areas. They don't usually express envy outwardly though. They will happily gas up their friends and colleagues, but implode on themselves in private.

They can have frequent pity parties or episodes of extreme self-loathing that only their closest friends or partners ever witness. It can be difficult to pull them out of these moods as they tend to feel like they either don't have enough or are not enough in some way.

Aquarius Eros men and masculine people are often attracted to women and feminine people with strong or eccentric personalities. They lust after the kinds of people who didn't even bother rocking the boat and jumped out to swim upstream and chill somewhere else.

However, unless they have Juno in Aquarius, Aquarius 7H or some other placements that support long-term relationships/marriages/longevity with unusual people or non-traditional elements, they eventually abandon such love interests for someone who fits better into societal expectations. Ask me how I know. :(

[p1utofairy]

★ your next glow up?

note — i wasn't gonna post this now but i figured fuck it why not?! enjoy, my loves! this is for entertainment purposes only <3 take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. p.s. come in my ask box and tell me what you think!

PILE ONE.

pile mf ONE, you are really stepping into a new era! when i tell you this new you is gonna turn HEADS. tuh, you’re gonna be looking like new money. nicki minaj’s ‘new body’ verse is coming to mind lol “you ain’t fuck me, you fucked the old body. you ain’t fuck nicki, you fucked nicole body! ain’t no miles on this here new body, off with they heads these bitches is nobody’s.” OH YEAH OKAYYY, PILE 1. maybe you’ll be hitting the gym more, switching up your diet or possibly getting some cosmetic work done?

whatever you’re doing differently, it’s gonna be noticeable. people are gonna feel like something changed with you overnight like “um when did pile 1 get so bad?” and this isn’t to say you aren’t already attractive…there’s just something about your energy and confidence that just amplified x1000 and people are really gonna feel and see this change in you. you might start experimenting with your outfits a little more, giving off a more seductive vibe. it’s like you're breaking out of your comfort zone especially if you usually opt for baggier clothes or a more conservative look. wait cause why am i thinking of ‘pretty little liars’ when emily is talking to aria about hanna and she’s like “haven’t you heard? she’s the it girl now.” PERIOD, PILE ONE. giving serena page vibes from love island.

there will be a lot of talk about you and even if you don’t hear it directly, trust me, people are gonna try to keep tabs on you. i’m seeing people re-watch your instagram stories tryna figure out who took you that place and who you’re doing it with — oh these people are spiralingggg. this could very well be potential suitors tryna scope out the scenery, but they’re not sure if you’ll be interested in them. they might fear rejection because you just look so damn good and it looks like you’re in such a better space in life and got your shit together; whereas they feel like they lack the resources/finances to be with you. these potential love interests see you as high value, pile 1. they’re intimidated by your beauty and aura. you’ll be more so focused on attracting a partner that can actually make shit happen.

you don’t have time for the cat and mouse games. you want the real deal and i do see you getting the person that you want. you manifested this person into your life and i sense them feeling like they won the lottery with you! i’m hearing that you are sooo mesmerizing on the outside and your heart & personality makes you so much more beautiful. there’s layers to you and i think this next glow up will allow you to really shine and be yourself unapologetically – you’re leaning into the different aspects of yourself that makes you unique. if there’s anything you’ve got your mind set on or something specific you want to do, go for it! whatever you do, you’ll stand out effortlessly and be successful. say yes by floetry is coming to mind. “see, i’ve been watching you for awhile…your smile and style. wanna know if i can be with you for the night, alright.” i meannnnn need i say more?!

how to tap into this energy?

listen closely to your intuition! work on your third eye because i’m hearing that you’re a powerful manifester and you don’t even truly know it. even if you do know this, you start doubting yourself and limiting your own thoughts. always think big and bigger because it’s in your reach. don’t get so caught up in the “how?” because your manifestations can appear in many different ways, not just one. you have a clear vision into the future – you just gotta adjust your lens and focus on what it is that YOU want. who cares if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, as along as you see the vision then it’s a go! listen to ‘i want it all’ by sharpay evans lol you need to embody that song and its energy.

PILE TWO.

hey, pile 2! i’m hearing you’ve been putting up with the bullshit for wayyyy too long and this next glow up is gonna be a proper FUCK YOU to all your haters! i feel like people take your kindness for weakness and you feel like you don’t get the respect you deserve. you can deal with a lot of passive aggression in your relationships or friendships and people expect for you to suck it up and be okay with it. what i’m mainly picking up is that you like to keep the peace. you don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feather, but it just makes it worse for you because you’re not truly expressing yourself and your emotions. this keeps you up at night like “ugh! i should’ve said this or I should’ve stuck up for myself and finally cussed so and so tf out.” but you don’t because you know why, pile 2? you’re better than them, simple as that.

you wouldn’t treat anybody how some people treat you, and the reality is that it’s so much harder to be nice than it is to be mean. anybody can be mean and say hurtful shit if they really wanted to, but to always be graceful and kind in the face of adversity and ignorance? rare af. +10000 aura points! don’t let anybody make you feel less than or like you can’t speak up for yourself. this next glow up you’re going to use your voice and really make it known that you are not to be fucked with, okay?! you will be standing your ground and really popping your shit in the most calm and collected way possible & people are gonna be like “wait…did [y/n] really just clock me like that?!” and you’re gonna be standing 10 toes down on it as you should. they’ll have no choice but to respect you lol. you will start to realize what is worth your time & energy and what isn’t.

you might start cutting off people that don’t mean you any good and really start to focus on yourself and your energy. no more walking on egg shells and sparing peoples feelings, this is YOUR life and you have a voice just as much as they do – so use it! i think you’ll also be meeting new friends & a potential love interest during this next glow up. i’m hearing ‘how stella got her groove back’ lol so yeah some of you might be playing the field a little bit.

some of you might just want something casual and nothing more because you just want to focus on your own healing journey. you’ll start to understand why things had to happen the way that they did & why certain relationships didn’t work out the way that you thought they would. you’ll be able to decipher what you are and aren’t willing to put up with and honestly i just see you bossing tf up and advocating for yourself no matter who doesn’t like it. that tiktok “nobody loves you baby! you should only love yourself – ON MY SOUL!” just randomly came to me lmfaooo this is your ‘i’m focusing on what really matters aka me’ era and i think it’s exactly what you need pile 2.

how to tap into this energy?

i think you need to transmute the negative energy that people try to project on you into something positive. 12:12 on the clock, yeah. like look at this way, if people doubt you, don’t respect you or don’t feel like your capable of achieving great things then use that to your advantage. let them underestimate you all they want, and then BAM boss up on them and show them who tf you are. what they don’t know only makes you stronger. you have the power to make some powerful ass connections and make a name for yourself so be calculated & strategic with your moves. people will be eating their words when it comes to you, pile 2.

PILE THREE.

pile 3 your next glow up is gonna be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ngl, but very rewarding nonetheless. i’m hearing that one tiktok sound “you gotta take the good with the bad, smile with the sad. love what you got and remember what you had.” so yeah i think you’re really gonna be figuring out how to transmute your energy and create something from it – whether that be a job opportunity, a love offer, a trip, etc. there’s something that you really want and you’re doing the work to make it happen. you have the plan, you just need the platform lol.

for some of you, i see a major relationship coming to an end. this could be a lover or a best friend, but this person will be exposed because they’re not who you thought they were. this person has very sneaky/deceptive energy and you’ve been in the dark about this for way too long. this person/connection means a lot to you, so you will feel like this is a tough situation to completely walk away from; but my sweet pile 3’s you will be more than okay! you will be spectacular! 10:10 was just on the clock.

allow yourself to sort through your emotions and learn from the situation, don’t let it weigh you down. sometimes we get too caught up in how long we’ve been with somebody and all of the good memories we made with them, that makes us hesitant to move on. sometimes things just run its course and you’re no longer in alignment with that person. you can’t force anything or anyone in your life that doesn’t align with your highest self and that can be very hard to process when emotions are involved but i’m happy to let you know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

i see some of you traveling to a place you’ve always wanted to go and possibly meeting a potential love interest. in this next glow up, you’ll be doing things that you’ve always wanted to do cause there’s no one holding you back. you’re stepping out of your comfort zone and just taking a leap of faith – high risk, high reward. you’re gonna be making time for yourself and also prioritizing your hobbies/interests. this is beautiful, pile 3. i see you really getting in touch with who you are at the core. be kind and gentle with yourself, because you are a precious gem that a lot of people value and care about.

how to tap into this energy?

stop giving your power away. work on your throat chakra, my loves. your voice is your power and it’s one of the major keys to your success. a closed mouth doesn’t get fed, so you need to speak up and communicate what it is that YOU want and not just say what people want to hear. this next glow up will really have you standing in your power. release is needed especially verbally cause you know that tight feeling you get in your throat when you’re tryna stop yourself from crying? yeah no more of that. no more walking on egg shells, pile 3. say what you feel and stand on it & watch how the tides turn in your favor. mwah!

PILE FOUR.

alright, pile 4! for this next glow up i see you moving. some of you might actually be moving into a new home or apartment and it’s gonna grant you so much peace and comfort. for others of you, this could be you moving on emotionally from a toxic relationship and/or familial bond and finally getting the clarity and peace you need to cut all ties and move onto something better. whatever the situation may be, it was weighing heavy on you and making you feel very down.

you’re gonna feel so free when you leave this situation behind, it’s not even funny. i’m hearing that you were a gilded bird in a cage. some of you could’ve been moving from place to place, not feeling quite settled or financially stable. if you feel lost right now and like you don’t know what to do with your life/where it’s taking you, i just wanna say keep going – W.A.Y.S. by jhené aiko is coming to mind. “if there's one thing that i learned while in those county lines, is that everything takes time. you have gotta lose your pride, you have gotta lose your mind just to find your peace of mind.” awww yeah that’s your theme song for this next glow up. things might not make sense right now, but please trust me when i say that everything is going to work out in your favor & things will be better than you could ever imagine.

you will be blessed with the tools you need to get to this next phase of your life. you are the source, pile 4. whatever you put your mind to, you can surely achieve! don’t let 3D circumstances throw you off, you are so abundant and prosperous you will see in this next glow up just how much of a powerful manifester you really are. you’re still trying to find yourself and figure out where you fit in in the world, but you don’t have to put yourself in a box, pile 4. pave your own way and once you do others will want to follow suit. no one can see your future the way that you do, so keep doing your thing because i’m seeing that you will come across people/friends that share similar interests and niches as you. awww pile 4 you’re going to find your soul tribe.

you have this flighty energy about you (air sign energy/esp gemini) like you’re from one thing to the next and you can’t figure out what you truly want to do. some of you might be in college or almost about to graduate and when people ask you “do you know what you want to do?” you’re like uhhhh….]>|>]^>.]€]€]£ like you truly don’t know but like that’s okay cause actually you do know! on a soul level, you know. what’s understood doesn’t have to be explained pile 4 lol people might not get it now but when you pop out living the life you’ve always dreamed of, TUH. they’ll understand then.

how to tap into this energy?

get out of your head so much and just vibe, pile 4. you can plan plan plan all you want but the reality is: shit happens! it might annoy you or make you feel incredibly frustrated when another problem or inconvenience pops up in your life, but there’s nothing you can’t overcome. it’s life. you will be greatful for these experiences in the long run because it will be another bridge that you’ve already crossed and dealt with, so you won’t fold under pressure – you’ll just already know what to do. you got this, pile 4. shit is about to get really good for you.

[niniiko]

Astrology Observations part 2

*not a professional astrologer these are just my personal observations!

SLIGHT TW!!!!

♠️ Taurus venus men usually like women who are on the curvier chubby side

♠️ People who have an 8th house lilith or even saturn sometimes feel guilty for their sexuality and many people also tend to make them feel guilty for being sexual, they often feel repressed

♠️ Nobody talks enough about how Virgo risings have an amazing face bone structure... I've noticed that their cheekbones are often prominent and their face features are so femenine

♠️ Aquarius placements and their unique voices? We can take as an example Jungwon of Enhypen and Rosé from Blackpink, i also noticed that when they sing they have this kind of nasal type of voice and it's so pleasant to hear (can also apply to people who have Aquarius over their 3rd house!)

♠️ Mars over the 6th house can give someone a VERY sensible skin (even allergies) Virgo also rules over the skin since its a Mercurial sign and if Mars is there the native could have a lot of issues with their skin. I have a friend who has this placement and she always has something going on with her skin 😭

♠️ People who have Moon in conjunction with Jupiter can be prone to over eating

♠️ Mercury square Saturn individuals often have a hard time expressing their love through words, they cringe at the idea of doing it

♠️ Libra placements (specially Mercuries) don't shy away from talking about current issues when it comes to politics, injusticies etc... They have very clear ideas and know how to send across their message

♠️ Whatever house Neptune falls into is where people tend to copy you the most:

1st house: your appearance, the way you dress, your energy

2nd house: your material possesions, the things you buy, your finances

3rd house: your personality, internet persona, the way you talk

4th house: your house furniture

5th house: your romantic partners, your vibe

6th house: your daily routines, your connections with people

7th house: your romantic partners, your clothes, your beauty

8th house: your depth, your way of thinking

9th house: the places you travel to, your ideas

10th house: your career choice, your skills

11th house: your friendships, your connections, your popularity, your goals

12th house: your spiritual side, the way you see things in a unique way

♠️ Leo placements like to show off their partners and making sure EVERYONE knows they have a partner, i have some leo placements friends and they are always posting their partners, i think it's very cute

♠️ Pluto in the 2nd house individuals (specially if they also have Taurus placements because Taurus rules the neck and throat) have some sexy and deep voices . . . they also tend to be very possesive 🤣

♠️ If a woman has her Mars in conjunction with her Sun chances are she looks very much like her dad, a friend of mine has this placement and she inherited her dads height and she looks so much like her dad

♠️ Having 12th synastry with someone is beautiful and painful at the same time, specially if personal planets are in there like the moon for example, if your moon falls in their 12th house it's probable that you have a more than physical connection with that person, even if you guys are not together you might still dream of them or viceversa, a very hard to forget connection

♠️ Someone with a lot of Air and Fire placements might be into dancing or doing some sort of creative and artistic stuff

♠️ Air mars's are the real masterminds . . . 💅🏻

Thanks for reading! I wanna thank the people who have interacted with my post, it was my first astrology observations post and I've been learning astrology for just a year and seeing how many people have agreed and rebbloged my post made me very happy 🥹 My intuition told me to post one and after some days of hesitating I decided to upload my personal observations and im glad I did! Anyways, thank you so much I love you always 🤍

[ironunderstands]

Topaz appreciation post because she’s been rotating around my brain like a rotisserie chicken and I need y’all to get her like I do 

Genuinely, I believe her to be the most underrated limited 5 star in the game everything wise, because she is so damn interesting and nobody talks about it ever and it drives me nuts.

So, I’m going to make you understand why exactly I love her and what makes her so amazing in the first place.

Her lore 

Topaz’s lore is rather simple, at least compared to other characters in the game, but simple ≠ bad and her story serves her perfectly.

Long before Topaz was Topaz, she was a girl named Jelena, living in a desolate planet at the edge of the galaxy. The economy of this planet was based around mining and industry, which resulted in her home becoming more and more polluted as time went on. The wildlife almost completely disappeared, people had to wear masks to breathe, and it seemed like her planet was reaching a hopeless, dismal end.

Until the IPC came. They promised to fix everything, and heal her planet of its environment problems, in exchange for every person on the planet signing a contract of indentured servitude to the IPC. Seeing no other way out, Topaz’s home accepted, forever tying her and the rest of the planet to the IPC.

Topaz is was (and still is) incredibly talented and competent, excelling in science, economics, finances, math, etc. Her exceptional talents caused her mentor  and parental figure Dvorski, who works in the Strategic Investment Department to recommend her to Jade, one of his superiors. Presumably, this is how she started her climb up the corporate latter, eventually becoming the Topaz we know and love today. 

Throughout this, she maintained her friendly and headstrong attitude, and never abandoned her love for animals or the people in her life like Dvorski, a trait which will be important for later. 

So, I’ve established the basics, so what makes this interesting?

Topaz’s trauma and how it affects her character 

I feel like a lot of people ignore just how much trauma she really has, and how it affects the way she behaves in the present.

For starters, her love of animals. Sure, Numby is adorable and in general this is a rather fun trait for a character to have, it’s not something you would consider to be a sign of something darker. 

However, remember that Topaz’s planet almost lost all of the life on it, and she witnessed firsthand almost every creature she knew and loved either go extinct or become severely endangered. 

So, when you view her love for animals through this lense, it’s easy to see that she’s so attached to animals because Topaz almost lost them forever, and this trait manifests in a lot of the behavior she exhibits.

According to Topaz herself, her efficiency goes up 27% when Numby is with her, and it seems to be blatantly obvious that being around animals give her at the very least a peace of mind/sense of comfort. I mean in game she is Topaz and Numby for a reason, and her relationship with them is a core part of the way she behaves. When Topaz can’t ground herself, she has Numby to help her with that, which hurts even more considering she is likely going on these missions alone 90% of the time, meaning her literal only friend is a pet/animal. 

Considering Topaz’s biological parents never get mentioned, it’s not hard to assume she is orphaned or at the very least estranged from them, likely due to the disaster on her planet, leaving her only loved ones to be her pets and Dvorski. Losing one half of the only support system she has would be devastating for Topaz, which is likely why she brings Numby everywhere (also considering I don’t think she has mentioned him in the present, her pets might literally be the only things she has left). 

In her own home, Topaz collects a myriad of species from across the galaxy, as if to preserve them so at least even if they disappear on their home planets like hers did, they won’t go extinct entirely. 

Personally, I think her fixation around them cooperating and coexisting also reflects on how she feels about other people. If animals from completely different planets can get along, so can people. If she can convince creatures lacking in intellect work together, then she can do the same for ones that possess it, as ultimately Topaz is a massive people person, and believes what she’s doing is best for the galaxy. 

It’s almost like an experiment, with every little change to their ecosystems, every new organism added, every new abiotic feature taken or removed, Topaz can simulate what that might be like in reality. In a way she wants to take care of humans  like she does her pets, however instead of doing it through her own means, she uses the IPC and her power as a Stoneheart as a vector for that.

But why is she so confident? What makes Topaz wholeheartedly believe that what she’s doing really is the best for the galaxy, even if we know it isn’t perfect, even if only ~80% of the planets she works on are “saved”?

Well, like always, it’s her trauma again.

Imagine you’re living on a planet slowly dying due to its people’s greed and ignorance, in which everything you know and love is falling apart, and absolutely nothing can be done about it. But you don’t need to imagine this, I mean this is a situation we are all going through, as it’s already what’s happening to our planet right now, so perhaps instead picture what it might be like to live here in a few decades if nothing changes. How miserable that would be, how upset you would be at those in power, how disappointed you would be in humanity for doing Nothing when we had so much time and already knew the consequences almost a century in advance (seriously we have known about climate change since like the 50s). 

So you give up hope and accept your fate, accept that everything is going down in flames and the humanity, the planet you know and love is going to be snuffed out forever.

Only to get saved when an outside influence comes to your assistance. Sure, they make everyone sign a contract binding their lives to them, but you wouldn’t have a life to give had they not helped. Besides, you owe it to every other thing that shares your planet with you, every plant, every animal, every organism has been utterly wiped out by human greed, so it’s only fair to pay them back, right? 

I mean it’s your whole world at stake, so how could you say no? How could you deem their terms unreasonable if clearly your own people didn’t deserve the responsibility they had over their own lives? If their situations could only be fixed by giving it to others who could guide them? By giving it to the IPC? The Preservation ?

This is the mindset Topaz grew up on and has known for her entire life. She has seen humanity utterly fail itself and is unwilling to allow that fate to befall others. She doesn’t trust other people to make the right decisions, she doesn’t think they know what’s best for them, because the people she was closest to, her very own people couldn’t do that, so how could she ever expect strangers to do the same? 

How could she ever give the leaders of these planets the benefit of the doubt, knowing that doing that for her own almost caused it to be wiped out completely? How could she see them as anything more than the selfish bastards who ruined everything? How could her heart not ache thinking there were people on the planets she helps who would be doomed to experience the fate that almost fell upon her had Topaz not stepped in. 

How could Topaz feel guilty over the planets that don’t succeed? The ones she can’t save? As after all, she thinks they were lost from the get go? Does it eat her up at night knowing she failed them? That she couldn’t prevent the folly of humanity this time, so the next planet she must work harder, be more stubborn, push back even more, so nobody ever experiences what she did instead?

I mean being an indentured servant hasn’t been that bad for her, she’s succeeded in every endeavor she’s set her mind to after all. Sure, she’s entirely alone, and sure, if the IPC no longer deems her or her people useful, they could cast them aside once again. 

But Topaz is smart, she climbed to the top of the latter, she’s been praised to hell and back, she’s known far and wide through the department for her efficiency and drive, surely she hasn’t done anything wrong?

Sure she’s heard whispers, rumors and projects of other departments, of the deep dark secrets of the company she owes her life too. Inwardly she wonders how those who follow the Preservation would even be willing to commit such atrocities, inwardly she hopes they are just rumors. The IPC saved her planet, so how could they destroy others? 

The Preservation’s power will protect all, will save them from their miserable existences. Nothing else matters in the process, no dissenter understands this as like Topaz does. She will save them, she will protect them, even if it means she is detested by everyone she encounters, it must be done. All for the Amber Lord.

I find it very compelling how despite the fact that Topaz has become a Stoneheart, she is still dressed in the fashion of an average IPC worker. As if she is an equal part of the puzzle as them. Equally useful, equally disposable, equally biased, equally ignorant, and equally foolish. 

I mean, how could she be anyway else?

Her future

Belabog was just as important for Topaz’s development as she was to it.

She was wrong. 

As stubborn as Topaz is, she is not arrogant, and when Bronya proved to her that the people of Belabog can and would fight for their future, Topaz did everything in her power to help them.

As that’s what she really cares about, people. 

I think Topaz the determination she has in Bronya and it shook her to her core. 

Because so far, the only way Topaz has seen real progress is from the hands of the IPC.

But Bronya doesn’t give into them, and she puts everything she has into saving her people. Moreover, Jarilo-VI follows the Preservation as well, but they don’t agree with the IPC’s method of it. 

Is the IPC wrong?

That is the question Topaz is faced with, what is the thing she has to grapple with once she leaves the planet. When they demote her for not getting the debt back immediately, does Topaz wonder why they were so concerned about that in the first place? Shouldn’t they be happy that a world blessed by their very own deity managed to pick itself up without their help? Isn’t that the point?

Does she think back to her previous projects, the planets she saved and the planets she failed, and wonder how it would have worked out without the IPCs involvement? 

Did Aventurine teasing her about “failing” the Jarilo-VI project confuse her, because they were still saved like Topaz wanted them to be in the first place? How could they ever be considered a failure?

She believes debts and payback are what holds planets together, but it only ever seemed to cause Belabog to fall apart.

This is the first time Topaz really is forced to reevaluate her priorities, to question if her methods are justifiable, if she’s really doing the right thing.

Belabog didn’t break her, it didn’t topple her worldview and turn everything on its head, but it did plant some seeds of doubt in her brain, seeds of doubt that will grow into a new mindset. 

HOYOVERSE IF YOU ARE LISTENING HOYOVERSE, GIVE HER THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN + PRIORITY REEVALUATION ARC SHE DESERVES!!! DO THAT AND MY LIFE IS YOURS PLEASE.

Like you don’t get it you don’t get it what do you mean they set all this up and they might not go anywhere with it. Please hoyo please please please let her break away from the IPC’s condition and warped perspective, please let her truly follow the Preservation, please make her turn away from them, please make her an emanator of Preservation after she does this. Topaz stoneheart form, Topaz emanator form. Please please please let her save the crew let her save her subordinates let her save the people she failed previously let her save Aventurine and Ratio let her save Numby let her save herself.

Her instability 

I have already somewhat touched on this in point #3, but Topaz just cannot exist in the state she is now permanently.

Like a radioactive element she’s going to slowly decay over time until she ends up in a more stable form, and who that will hurt in the process, and how long that will take, we will have to see.

Hypocrisy is not something that can exist for long within characters, as due to its inherent contradictions, it messes with the way they are characterized until they are eventually forced to either eliminate it themselves or have the story do it for them.

Topaz is a hypocrite, desiring to do good and help people, but she ends up hurting them in the process. 

However, she has only just begun to realize this, and as more and more of the IPC’s atrocities get revealed, it gets harder and harder for both the audience and her herself to justify her behavior as we witness the extent of their crimes.

So how has she remained this stable for so long?

Well, the IPC has done everything in their power to keep her that way. From a young age she was involved with them, as they not only saved her planet, but her only known parental figure worked in the Strategic Investment Department. Soon, he recommended her to Jade due to Topaz’s exceptional talent, and presumably the other Stoneheart quickly picked her up and took her under her wing, causing Jelena to rise fast within the ranks and become one herself.

The IPC has been Topaz’s only frame of reference for how things should be done, her only perspective on write and wrong for so long. The only hints she gets of other points of view are that of the people who destroyed her planet, her own people. Unintentional or not, Topaz has been made to feel her whole life like the IPC are heroes and the common people are foolish and greedy and evil, and only now has that worldview started to crumble piece by piece.

Sure, we have always known how terrible the IPC was, a perception that has only gotten more and more true over time. However, Topaz is not the audience, and in universe the IPC presents themselves in a very positive light.

Think of the Myriad Celestia trailer and how it portrays the IPC; that’s quite literally how they want to be viewed in game, how they market themselves to other people. If Topaz has only ever known them to be that great, shining, progressive company who vows to follow the Preservation and improve the universe, how could even begin to criticize them? After all, she had never known any other perspective. Even when she did fail in the past, Topaz viewed it as a strike on her own record and an unfortunate situation in general, not as a demonstration of the IPC’s misdeeds. 

The IPC is good, the IPC saves people, the IPC follows the Preservation, Topaz is a good person, Topaz does good things, Topaz helps people, Topaz saves people, there is nothing wrong, there won’t ever be anything wrong.

Until Belabog

They don’t want to cooperate with the IPC. To roll over and let themselves be gutted for all they are worth. 

Well that’s fine, that’s happened before, at least that’s how Topaz justifies it to herself. She thinks of their massive debt, it must be paid after all, otherwise how could the galaxy remain stable?

But the weapons the IPC gave Jarilo-VI were never used in its defense. The thing they owe the IPC for never ended up being valuable. Belabog stood on its own, without the help of IPC in its defense.

They saved themselves.

As if it couldn’t get worse, they did it with the power of the Preservation.

And it didn’t come from the IPC, it came from them.

The Interastral Peace Corporation, who claim to be followers of the Preservation, standing against people who really do have their blessing and being proved wrong.

Do you know how that would feel to Topaz.

She’s wrong, and she’s proven wrong by the very deity she claims to follow, she believes she follows.

So Topaz makes her choice.

Stick with the IPC’s plan, or stand with the people of Belabog 

And she stands with them.

Topaz’s character never changes. I hate when people act like she switched up on them and changed her whole worldview, but in reality that was the most in character thing Topaz has ever done in her entire life.

Because she cares about people, so when the opportunity presents itself, she will always stand with them. 

This is the first time Topaz goes against the IPC’s wishes, and it won’t be the last.

She made her choice, she demonstrated who and what she truly cares about, and that will only drive a wedge between her and the IPC further and further until she snaps.

I find it funny how Topaz is a fire type character, when the song core to Belabog’s themes is “Wildfire” 

However, maybe it isn’t just about them. I think it’s about the Preservation, about what the game in general is trying to tell its players.

How fighting for your right to exist will hurt, but it is not impossible, and that pain will be the only way to enact change.

Well, Topaz,

you made your choice

go fight against your fate 

Thank you so much for reading! I really enjoyed making this and I hope you at least understand why I think Topaz is such a compelling character. I need an arc centered on her in the future and if I don’t get one then trust me things will be dealt with. She will get her just desserts.

[bluee08]

Astro Observations 《2》

Disclaimer : I am not an astrologer so please take these observations with a grain of salt. Plus I have noticed, I ranted a lot here so please bear with me. It's only for fun.

♦️ Mercury could indicate what kind of genre/content you like to read. For example:

Mercury in Taurus/2nd – Cookbook, rom-com, finance, fashion magazines.

Mercury in Leo/5th – Children's story books, Tales, quizzes, riddles, Adventures books.

Mercury in libra/7th – Romance novels, fashion magazines, pamphlets, brochures.

Mercury in Scorpio/8th – Non-fiction, Thrillers, mystery, smut.

Mercury in Sagittarius/9th – Encyclopedia, Rom-adventure, historical books, Atlas.

Mercury in Pisces/12th – Spiritual books, inspirational, Autobiographies.

♥️ Pluto in 11th house is a big Best friend crisis placement, if you ask me. In this, you can never be anyone's only bestfriend and no one can be your bestfriend. Friends are a lessons in your life. They come, you transform each other in some way, they go. Nobody stays long enough. Their definition of best friends is tricky, because– "We have known each other for 6 years but we haven't talked since 3 years, are we still besties?" To these people, Instead of feeling betrayed or petty, accept it and move on.

♦️ People with Asteroid hobby in their 11th house might like to do coding or other technical work. Technology and social media plays a major role when they are free. They might even share their hobbies with others on social platforms.

♥️ No matter what the reputation says, Sagittarius venus are the most hardcore lovers. They also don't mind a bit of possessiveness in the relationship. When I say possessiveness, they don't want to hear how you will lock them up in a castle for the rest of their life if they try to run away from you. Whereas, that might be a fantasy for some but its not for Sag venus. They will purposely take the next immediate flight and be gone for good. What they actually want to hear is how you will chase them to the moon and back. And no matter where they go, you will always be there to embrace them with your open arms. All we Sagittarius people need is to feel grounded not caged.

♦️ Asteroid Lie aspecting Neptune could make very imaginative and fluent liars. Sometimes it won't make any sense but you will still believe them because they lie with such a honesty and projection that you are forced to doubt your own judgment. Their lies are very descriptive and they make them on the spot. They appear dreamy as if they are not lying but living their own reality. Sometimes it comes handy to them but sometimes it backfires when they forget what they lied about for no reason.

♥️ Aquarius Rising got nothing on Uranus conjuct ascendant. Look, I get that Aquarius is ruled by Uranus but honestly I can't relate to the stereotype when they say Aquarius risings have a unique fashion sense. Being a Aquarius rising and having Uranus in first house I personally think it fits the Uranus conjuct ascendant more. Yes, I like to stand out but my fashion sense is not that unique. I like it different but simple. My brother has a 12th house Uranus conjuct ascendant and he is a uranian more than me. He wears the most unconventional outfits at very wrong timings. He has a very unique fashion sense and he remains fixated on it until the last moment. Man... and he still pulls it off effortlessly. I could never do that.

♦️ Asteroid Sharp (5426) true to its name could indicate the area of your life where you excel the most and are quite attentive. You also learn and grasp those parts quickly. For example: Asteroid Sharp in Aquarius means you are good with electronics,technology, innovating things. In 2nd house could mean you handle money matters very well. In 10th house, you make profitable business deals, bargains and have a good eye when it comes to trading something.

♥️ Have you seen a Mars in 4th house getting angry? They are never angry. Well, never angry enough to be angry. But be careful just because they are not saying anything for the past twenty minutes while you are chewing their head off doesn't mean they are calm. It means either you are someone they can't cross with for the time being or they are thinking of hundred ways to kill you without getting into jail. Good luck bby, these people are damn calculative and smart. They will let you walk all over them for a moment but later.... oh boy you will not even realize what hit you. And trust me, they will have a strong alibi.

♦️Venus in 10th house 🤝 Get them a man/woman with financial stability. They themselves prefer to be independent and classy in a relationship. But no matter what financial stability is a must for them. Maybe not the first but definitely one of the top priorities.

♥️ Virgo Mars people are really fond of ropes, handcuffs, belts, elastic things and all. Idk why my brother keeps checking their strength when he encounters them. Hmm...sus

♦️ Saturn in 1st house could mean you were forced to grow up too early. You had many responsibilities on your shoulders at a young age and faced a lot of difficulties expressing your weaknesses. You might also be the person in the family who is looked upon and respected the most. No decision is taken without your consultation because you are considered to be the wisest of all.

♥️ Pluto in 3rd house, don't tell me your school life was easy. Either you failed a subject, were bullied for no reason, had abusive teachers, teachers who always picked upon you, unstable attendance or your family could hardly afford your studies.

♦️Scorpio/8th house Mars and their gazes. God, please don't stare at me like that. I get chills. There was this girl in my class. She used to stare at people a lot, that too bluntly. We thought she was creepy. But later after knowing her, she turned out to be really sweet and pretty decent girl.

♥️ Moon in 3rd house, very very curious people. They need to know everything there is in this world until they are emotionally satisfied. My 8 year old cousin asked me where do babies come from? She also added, don't say from God.

♦️I don't know about other Pisces placements but Pisces venus, they do have a thing for foot. Trust me on this, I had a deep conversation about this topic with my cousin who is a Pisces venus and because I didn't want to go with stereotype judgment, I had to make sure it was true. But it can vary from person to person tho.

♥️ Saturn in 2nd house people could come from a poor household or used to be financially unstable. But trust me it doesn't stay this way throughout. They usually face many difficulties with money until they don't at all. Karma always pays off and most of the times they live a very satisfied life. Very down to earth people. They don't fear poverty either.

♦️8th house Virgo are suckers for hygiene and perfection. But can be quite freaky in bed. Or the complete opposite of both. They can also have a guilty conscience after sex or masturbation.

♥️ Chiron in Capricorn/10th house can be very hard on themselves. These people often feel incompetent when it comes to their professional life. They can be insecure and anxious if things don't go their way. For them being unemployed is much worse than being heartbroken and it can be destroying.

♦️ Saturn in 6th house placements have an unimaginable disturbed mental health. They don't show and it seems as if no one sees it either. They pretend that everything is okay and no one can tell that it is not. Sometimes they are not even capable to share because people around them make them feel as if they are not supposed to. They often feel restricted when it comes to their emotions.

♥️ Now this is kinda funny but I have noticed some of the people having Sagittarius in fifth house or prominent Sagittarius/Gemini placements come off very lively and enthusiastic when it comes to kids. They also have a thing for irritating kids in a funny way to the point they start crying. Then they laugh it off.

[delulustateofmind]

Sweethearts

Description: The traditional route, met in college, got married…what could go wrong?

Hiromi Higuruma x reader 

TW: ANGST, All hurt no comfort, No mentions of sorcery (kept it out for people that might not read the manga), Mentions of miscarriage, Acts of cheating, Implied suicide, Depression, sex? It's not really descriptive sex though. MDNI. 

WC: 2.5k

A/n: Damn I really went dark with this one, Suguru or Choso will be next for their angst fic. Nobody is safe :) 

Love—the one thing that cannot be regulated by law. While the basic acts of love can be defined—treating your partner with kindness, having patience, understanding sacrifice—these elements often find their way into courtroom debates. 

Hiromi occasionally took on divorce cases, delving into the intricacies of love, seeking fairness for both parties. Sometimes, a small smile would curl on his lips as he read the documents, reminding him that he could never leave his wife.

He realized he loved you the moment he stumbled into that study room at the library nearly under a decade ago. You were sitting there alone, your gaze lifting from your textbook as he entered. 

“Mmm, I reserved this space… but you could always join me. I know all the rooms are booked with finals approaching,” you offered, your voice soft and inviting. The way you smiled at him left him momentarily speechless, his eyes darting around the room. Share a study room with you? He glanced at the filled chairs around the library—indeed, all the study rooms were occupied. Keeping his gaze on the ground, he moved to the table.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, setting down his things. “What are you studying?”

You smiled brightly. “I’m a finance major, getting a minor in marine biology. My true interest won’t pay the bills,” you said, beaming. His eyes drifted from the curve of your lips to your open textbook—Organic Chemistry. You were smart, and a blush crept to the tips of his ears. “What about you?”

“Pre-law,” he stammered. Your eyes widened, and a brighter smile spread across your face.

“You would make a good lawyer,” you chimed, your enthusiasm infectious. “Most pre-law students have egos that reach the moon, but knowing you for just a few seconds… you seem fair and kind.”

Though you had only known him for a few minutes, Hiromi felt an undeniable pull toward you. You both shared that room for hours, occasionally exchanging small talk during study breaks. You offered him part of your bento, and he reciprocated by bringing you coffee from the café downstairs.

That day marked the beginning of your connection. You exchanged numbers and began studying together for finals. When the day finally arrived, and you both passed, you rushed over to him with your exam scores in hand. As the snow fell gently around you, you pressed a light kiss to his lips, your smile radiant as you looked up at him.

That was the moment he knew you were his one and only.

You were his everything during law school. After moving into your small one-bedroom apartment, you took care of everything: the bills, dinner, household chores, and groceries—all while working full time. Hiromi often found himself lost in his studies, the weight of his future pressing down on him. Did he ever say thank you? The thought gnawed at him.

When he graduated, you cheered him on with a big bouquet of bright flowers, your face beaming with pride. In that moment, he whispered promises to marry you, to cherish you for all you had done. He meant every word, but part of him wondered if he would truly live up to those promises.

Eventually, the two of you had a small wedding—nothing fancy. He had student loans to pay, and you were still new at your job. A simple silver band adorned your finger. You never even asked for a diamond. Did he appreciate you enough back then? Another thought haunted him. 

Now, as he sat at his desk, the weight of the past settled on his shoulders. Hiromi made a decent salary, but he’d never been one of those greedy lawyers who chased money. You had been on leave after your third miscarriage, falling into a depression that he felt powerless to fix. Five years of trying. Five years of heartbreak.

He recalled the first time it happened, sitting on the bathroom floor with you as you quietly cried into his dress shirt. He’d come home late that night, guilt gnawing at him. Why didn’t he pick up that day?  You needed him, and he’d failed you.

“Don’t worry, we can try again. We’re going to have a family, don’t worry,” he whispered into your hair, his voice steady despite the turmoil inside him. He could still feel your fist clenching his shirt, the raw emotion in that moment echoing in his mind. The next day, he brought you white roses, hoping to spare you the pain of red ones that might remind you of your loss.

The second miscarriage played out similarly. You woke up to find white flowers by your bedside and a note that read, “Sorry, work calls. We’ll take a vacation soon. I love you.” He meant it, but even he could hear the empty promises beneath his words.

Now, the third miscarriage was just a month ago. Hiromi knew you were struggling. He noticed how you baked more than ever, filling the apartment with the comforting scent of bread and pastries. He found himself bringing the extras to the office, sharing them with colleagues as a way to ignore the reminder that you were slowly losing your bright smile. 

But within that month, he also felt the stirrings of urges he didn’t want to acknowledge. It was a dark thought, one that clashed with his love for you. He hated that he even had these urges, but they surfaced nonetheless. His assistant, the one he told you not to worry about, was all too eager to help him with those feelings. 

She was pretty, a younger version of you in some ways, but she lacked your warmth and kind eyes. While she had your features, her smile was sharper, almost greedy. After he’d crossed lines he never intended to, she would swallow his cum under the desk and then casually ask for the latest designer handbag. The stark contrast made him sick.

What was he doing? Hiromi wrestled with his conscience, torn between desire and the love he felt for you. He wanted to be better, but the pressure was mounting, and he felt himself slipping away. 

When did your marriage become so loveless?

Instead of cuddling you at night, Hiromi laid awake, fearing you'd catch the scent of his assistant's perfume lingering on his neck or spot the hickey hidden on his collarbone. Sometimes, he’d wake to the soft, stifled sounds of your body shaking as you silently cried yourself to sleep. The guilt gnawed at him, turning his stomach into knots. He stopped kissing your lips when he left for work, afraid you'd taste her on him. Instead, he opted for a quick kiss on your cheek, a gesture that felt increasingly hollow as he left you alone in the dim light of the apartment. You didn’t return to work the next month either, retreating further into yourself.

Things would get better, he promised himself as he fired his assistant and replaced her with a kind male intern. Was that enough to ease his guilty conscience? 

When he got home that night, the familiar scent of dinner wasn’t in the air. The flowers he sent you earlier that day still lay untouched in their bouquet packaging, wilting slowly in the silence. The lights were off in the vast apartment, and a chill settled in his chest. When did the space that once felt warm and inviting become so cold?

He entered the bedroom, setting down his coat, and saw your form lying still in bed. 

“My love?” he called, moving closer. The bed sank under his weight as he noticed you staring blankly at the wall. “Baby?” he tried again, but you didn’t respond. You weren’t crying, but he could see the evidence of your pain—dark bags under your eyes, red and wet from tears.

You knew, he thought, dread pooling in his stomach. 

He wanted you to fight him, to hit him, to scream—anything to break the silence that hung heavily in the air. But you simply lay there, staring at the blank wall. It felt like a reflection of the emptiness in their marriage. He wrapped his arm around you and tugged you close, seeking solace in your presence. To his surprise, you didn’t fight it.

After an hour of silence, you spoke. “Your assistant called.”

Oh, he thought, avoiding the topic. “We can take that vacation,” he suggested, desperate to steer the conversation away. “You must miss the ocean—you always liked studying marine life. Let’s take a trip to the beach- we just need a break away from all of this.”

You simply nodded, and he felt something flicker inside him. He was going to fix this. Fix your marriage. Be a better husband. 

As he lay there beside you, Hiromi wrestled with his own shortcomings. What if it’s too late? 

For once, he decided to take a week off. He had never used his PTO, but this felt like a necessary change. He booked a small cabin on the beach, hoping the December air would bring some clarity. The beach wouldn’t be crowded, and maybe you could see a couple of whales in the distance from the cabin. He envisioned a trip to the aquarium where you would excitedly explain the different animals to him. He longed for you to shine bright again, like you used to. 

However, as you dressed in a baggy sweater and pants, he felt a pang of disappointment. You turned down the winter dress he bought you, along with a lovely coat to match. When you glanced at it, you shook your head. “Return it, please. It’s not my taste.” He knew it was something his assistant would have wanted—something flashy and expensive, not at all reflective of you.

You were still so beautiful. As he looked over at you on the train ride to your destination, a smile crept onto his lips when the sun caught your eyes. Eyes that once held so much warmth now felt distant, clouded by an invisible weight. He reached for your hand, holding it softly, wishing for a spark of connection. To his relief, you didn’t pull away; instead, you leaned into him and closed your eyes, a gesture that felt like a gift.

When you both arrived at the cabin, clothes were left at the door, along with your suitcase. He kissed you, his hands roaming over your soft curves, craving the intimacy you both had lost. He missed this—he missed you. He missed the sounds you made when he kissed that sweet spot on your neck. But as he looked down at you, that vacant expression lingered in your eyes, sending a fresh wave of guilt crashing over him.

That’s fine. We can fix this.

“I love you,” he murmured between breaths as he moved against you. “Let’s try again, yeah? We can move to the countryside.” His words were a desperate attempt to rekindle the connection, to pull you back from the shadows. “Maybe Tokyo is too busy for us, too chaotic. I can work at a smaller firm, and you can take care of the kids.”

You looked up at him, flushed cheeks and panting breaths as you cupped his face with your hand. “That would be nice.” But the smile didn’t reach your eyes, and he wished he had noticed that sooner. What was he doing?

As you both came undone together, hands intertwined, the warm hues of the sunset filtered through the cabin windows, creating a serene backdrop. Whispers of “I love you” hung in the air, an attempt to breathe life back into what had grown cold. The lovemaking felt like a gift too.

Sleep overtook him as he held you in his arms, a smile on his face. It had been a while since you both had made love. He missed your sweet noises, the way your breath would hitch, and that beautiful smile of yours. But was it enough?

“I’m going to go for a walk, Hiro,” you mused softly, pulling yourself from his embrace. The words felt like a soft blow to his heart. He hummed in response, hoping to draw you back in. “If you wait a few minutes, I’ll join you.” 

You simply smiled and shook your head, a serene look on your face that made him smile. You seemed more at peace now. Things must be getting better already. 

“I just want to look at the waves for a bit. I’ll be back soon,” you said, your voice gentle yet distant. You pressed a kiss to his forehead, the tip of his nose, and then his lips, leaving him with one last gift.

He smiled up at you, “Bring a coat; it’s cold. Be careful—the tide might be coming in too.”

You nodded and slipped on a coat before heading out. 

“I love you, Hiro,” you spoke softly before leaving, but the words felt hollow, as if they carried an unspoken weight.

Hiromi simply hummed and rolled back over to sleep, embracing the warmth from your side of the bed. The scent of you lingered in the air, a comfort he didn’t want to let go of. 

As you walked directly into the waves, standing waist-deep while gazing into the sunset. You wore a smile, but it didn’t reach your eyes, and as the water swallowed you whole.. The biting cold of the ocean contrasted sharply with the warmth you both once had.

Time passed, but you didn’t return. 

“Baby?” he called out, voice thick with sleep and concern. The sun dipped below the horizon, casting shadows that deepened his anxiety. 

He slipped out of bed, hurriedly pulling on clothes as worry gnawed at him. When he stepped outside, the frigid air hit him like a wall, and he scanned the shoreline, heart racing. 

“Y/N!” he shouted, desperation lacing his voice, he ran towards the water when he saw your shawl resting in the wet sand. The waves lapped at his ankles as he waded into the water, searching for you. Please come back. I can’t lose you.

The waves were relentless, pulling at his legs as he searched the fading light, but the ocean offered no answers. 

[soapsilly]

Bad Memories - Roronoa Zoro Imagine

Pairing: Roronoa Zoro x Reader

Spoilers for One Piece (?)

Summary: (Y/N), a black market dealer, begrudgingly joins the Straw Hats after having to admit to herself that a strong crew would help her reach her goal faster. However, being on a ship with the pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro brings back some old memories she'd rather not be reminded of.

Requests are closed

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"Oooooh, what is this?", Luffy reached out to the mysterious object that was displayed on one of the countless shelfs.

"If you touch it, you buy it", (Y/N) spoke up from where she was leaned over the counter, trying to figure out what it was the cyborg wanted from her.

Franky needed a very specific tool to modify parts of the Sunny. A tool he didn't have and didn't necessarily could get easily as it was classified as marine technology.

"That's a very unusualy request you got there", she furrowed her brows.

Nami knew what that meant - when vendors said something along those lines what they usually meant was 'that's gonna be price-y', but the red-head prided herself in being a pro in haggling down any price however high it may be.

"Listen, I know what that means. I also know that that's bullshit. So you better make us a good price because we're going to get that piece one way or another", the navigator tapped her finger against the counter top.

"Oh, that's not what I meant", the dealer shrugged, "I literally meant nobody ever asks me for those things. Most people don't even know they exist. I'm not trying to get rich here, however, I will get a reasonable price for it or you can go and find the tools you need somewhere else"

While the two were talking finance, Franky was already tinkering around with the newly attained pieces and Luffy was doing god knows what.

"Is that a Devil Fruit??", Luffy's voice reached them from somewhere out of the depths of the storage room.

"Yes, do you want it? I'll make you a good price", the dealer yelled back.

Within seconds the Rubberman was at their sides again.

"YES! Nami, please can we? Usopp would love that! Or Chopper!"

"Chopper already has a devil fruit power!", the red-head yelled back.

"Oh. Right. Then for Usopp!"

While the two of them startet arguing about whether or not they'd need another 'idiot' with devil fruit powers on the team a tall blonde guy almost kicked in the door to (Y/N)'s storage.

"We need to leave! The stupid marimo started a fight in the city and now a bunch of marines are here-", it seemed like the man wanted to say some more but stopped talking once he saw the woman behind the counter, "Oh, beautiful lady! Mon Amour! My name is Sanji and I'm-"

"Wait let me get this right... some dumbass from your crew starts a fight with the marines and the first thing you do IS RUN BACK TO MY WAREHOUSE?!", the dealer was furious, "You need to leave. Now!"

(Y/N) started to frantically pack together the most important things, so that once the marines should really try to barrel down her front door, she'd be set to make a swift exit out the back.

"Just come with us!", the Straw Hat exclaimed happily, "you have so much great stuff here! Having someone on the crew who can find all those things would be so cool"

"No", her voice was icy, "I've known you for thirty minutes and you already put my livelyhood at risk. I think I'll pass" - that there was a whole nother reason the dealer didn't want to join the notorious pirate crew, she decided to keep to herself.

From outside the voices and footsteps from what (Y/N) could only imagine were dozens and dozens of marines grew louder.

"We need to leave", Nami commanded, "Sanji take her stuff"

"Of course, Nami-swan~", the blonde did as he was told and grabbed the huge sack filled with all kinds of things from the dealers hands. Not a minute too late as there there was a loud knocking that disrupted the womans attempts of resistance.

The Straw Hat as well as the Cyborg already adopted their fighting stance when the navigator held them back yet again. (Y/N) asked herself, who it actually was that was in charge here, but she didn't mind as she wasn't particularly eager to have a battle with god knows how many marines in a confined space.

"Is there another way out?", she turned to (Y/N).

"Follow me"

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Once outside all they had to do was to leave the place without making a fuss - a task seemingly unmanagable for Monkey D. Luffy. They weren't even 30 feet away from the warehouse when Luffy's loud voice could be heard all over the place.

"Oi, those aren't even that many. We could've taken them!" - followed by the even louder 'clunk' that Nami's fist made when it made impact with his skull.

"Shut up and just run!", she yelled at him. And they did. Every now and then a low ranking marine officer would catch up with them but either Franky or Luffy or even sometimes (Y/N) herself would take care of that. It was when one of the captains came dangerously close to them that they had to worry.

When (Y/N) started to notice the blonde guy fall behind, struggling with carrying her belongings and fighting off the marines at the same time, she realized that those things needed to go.

"Hey! Drop the sack! It's slowing you down", she yelled over at him.

"No, no! It's fine!", he yelled back, "I only fight with my legs anyways! Your belongings are safe with me"

"Doesn't matter. Drop it. It's not worth the risk", she insisted.

"Are you sure?", Nami sounded shocked, "I saw what you had in the shop. That stuff is worth a fortune! Sanji, don't you dare!"

"I don't care!", the dealer yelled back, "I'll get new stuff. If it makes you happy, you can keep whatever you can carry. Drop. The. Sack!"

For a moment the tall man hesitated but then did as he was told. As soon as he dropped the added weight, he immediately spun into a roundhouse kick, hitting an approaching opponent directly in the head to give the group time to bring some space between them and their followers. When (Y/N) stopped abruptly and started running back to where her things were scattered around Nami was almost sure the other woman had come to her senses but (Y/N) went straight past the incredibly expensive looking jewelry, the intricate tools and even the devil fruit, that Luffy was begging Nami for. Instead she was frantically sorting through the depth of the now half-empty sack.

"What are you doing?", Nami screamed at her, "whatever you're looking for you better find it quick!"

The marines were quickly catching up but (Y/N) still hasn't found what she was looking for.

"Hah! Found it", she yelled but as she was getting up she came face to face with the vice-admiral. However, she didn't even have the time to react or make a game plan as a fist whizzed past her, sending the marine flying. As soon as the fist appeared, it disappeared again. (Y/N) had heard about the Straw Hat Luffy's rubber abilities but she never would've guessed that they'd save her ass one day. She didn't allowe herself the time to dwell on it as she was sure that this punch would merely slow the captain down.

When they finally reached the ship the rest of the crew was already waiting for their mates. As soon as everybody had boarded the Thousand Sunny, as (Y/N) had found out the ship was called, the cyborg used a maneuver called coup de burst, which catapulted them to safety.

Once everything settled down, it was time for the crew to introduce themselves.

"Oi, everybody! This is...", Luffy trailed off once he realized that he had no idea what the girl's name was.

"Oh um.. it's (Y/N)"

"Guys, this is (Y/N) and she's going to join our crew"

(Y/N) furrowed her brows, "I'm not! You saved me back there and I'm thankful but you're also the reason I was in that situation to begin with. So I think it evens out. Just drop me off on the next island or... just... anywhere is fine...", she grew quiet towards the end.

"What? No! Our crew is great I promise! We'll find the One Piece and I'll be pirate king!"

"I don't care", she really didn't want to be there.

But Luffy wasn't know for his ability to take no for an answer. And so he kept throwing new points and arguments at her to make her change her mind. She didn't know what it was that did the trick in the end. Was it his determination? Or the things she's read and heard about the crew? The things they already accomplished? She simply didn't know. What she did know, however, was that reaching her goal would become much easier with some powerful allies by her side.

"Great", Luffy sounded happy, "so let me introduce you to everybody. You already know Nami. She's our navigator. That cool cyborg is Franky. He's our shipwright. This", he pointed towards the tall guy, that Nami had called Sanji before, "is Sanji. He makes the best food you've ever eaten"

"What's your favourite meal (Y/N)-san? I'll cook it especially for you tonight - to celebrate you joining us. Another beautiful lady on the ship ~"

(Y/N) was a little unsure how to react to the cook's advances but sent him a polite smile regardless.

"Don't worry, he's always like this. You'll get used to it", Nami assured her, "and if you're smart, you'll even figure out how to use it to your advantage", she sent the other woman a wink.

The black market dealer didn't get to answer though as Luffy continued. (Y/N) largely drowned out the words - like the ship's doctor insulting their captain for calling him a good one or the sceleton man asking her for the colour of her panties. She'd get to know them soon enough anyways.

"So and that's - "

"The pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro", (Y/N) finished for the Straw Hat.

"Oh, you already know each other?", Nami raised an eyebrow.

"Your reputation precedes you", the woman answered almost... bitterly?

"Oooh looks like somebody has a fan", the long nosed guy - Usopp - started teasing the swordsman.

"I wouldn't say that", (Y/N) mumbled as she left the crew standing.

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"Hey, (Y/N)! Can I talk to you for a sec?", Nami walked up to (Y/N), who, at the moment, was sitting down near the railing watching the water.

The girl raised her brows to show the red-head she was listening, but remained silent for the time being.

"You know today, when you ran back for your stuff, I really thought you finally came back to your senses but you didn't go for all the valuables... why? All you saved was this... book?"

The other woman just shrugged, "I got what I wanted"

"At first I wasn't sure what it was, you were looking for but then I talked to Sanji and he told me he's seen that kind of book before. A devil fruit encyclopedia... Why is it so important to you that you couldn't leave it?"

"Listen, Nami. I'm sorry I put you all in danger but I needed that book"

And with that the black market dealer left the navigator standing.

"She's even worse than Robin", the red-head mumbled to herself.

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It's been a few weeks since (Y/N) joined the Straw Hats and for the most parts it's been uneventful. For the first week or so she preferred to keep to herself but it was Sanji especially that wouldn't accept no for an answer whenever he told her to come eat dinner with the crew. But even then she made sure to always sit at the far end of the table to bring the most distance between herself and him.

She hadn't spoken a single word to the swordsman since setting foot on the ship and she was thankful that he didn't seem to care about trying to either.

"Don't mind the stupid Marimo. He's a brute. He wouldn't even know how to talk to such a beautiful flower as yourself ~", Sanji would regularly tell her but she'd just send him a tight smile and change the topic.

At the moment, she was sitting on deck tinkering around with Franky. She wasn't the best at crafting but she knew the tools so playing his assistent wasn't the worst past-time.

"I'm glad we got that tool before the marines stormed your warehouse", the cyborg told her, "I'm gonna build us some suuuuper cool stuff with it"

(Y/N) was just about to hand him another wrench when Zoro passed them on his way to the crows nest. During her time there she noticed that the lookout kind of was his personal training space. Of course, everybody was welcome to use it but nobody spent as much time there as the pirate hunter so she made a mental note to always stay clear of it. Her eyes lingered on the taller man's back as he passed them.

"(Y/N)!", Franky's voice pulled her back to reality and she had to pull herself together to not drop the wrench she was holding. This couldn't keep going like that. If she got distracted during a fight things might end up ugly - she knew that much.

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"Come with me?", he held out his hand to her knowing exactly that his question was only a formality. There wasn't a chance in the world that (Y/N) would ever let him leave without her - or quite frankly the other way around.

"You're insanse", she laughed but grabbed his hand without hesitation. They've known each other since they were only children - it was never a question of if but rather of when they'd finally get together.

"But you know you love me", he grinned at her, pulling her into his chest for a playful kiss.

She woke up and for a moment she felt at peace with the world, wanting to turn around snuggling into her pillow again. The rhythmic sound of breathing in the room calming her into a state of betweent sleep and being awake. But then she remembered... These breathing sounds weren't his. In fact, it was all just a dream.

Confronted with the harshness of reality she didn't feel like sleeping anymore, afraid of yet another dream that would give her a false sense of familiarity. Instead she slipped into a cardigan and decided to get some fresh air.

Once outside on deck, she took a deep breath. She enjoyed how cold the air was in those morning hours. The sun was just starting to rise - not even enough to paint the sky in these pink and orange tones she found so pretty.

"Couldn't sleep again?", the gruff voice made her jump. It was the first time that Zoro had spoken to her since she joined the crew but that didn't mean she wasn't familiar with his voice. It was almost involuntarily that her ears almost instantly perked up and her heart started racing whenever he started speaking around her. He triggered her fight, flight, freeze instinct and to her demise it was always freeze.

"Had a bad night", her voice was coarse.

"Seems to happen often"

She furrowed her brows. What was his deal? As if he could read her mind, Zoro continued.

"Out of the last five weeks, I was on night watch twelve times. And you were awake for at least ten of those times. And those were only the times I noticed"

"I-", she swallowed, "Being on a ship again just brings back some memories I haven't thought about in a long time..."

She didn't know why she told Zoro of all people but she couldn't take it back now anymore anyways...

"You've been to sea before?"

She let out a dry, humorless laugh.

'I don't want to talk about it. At least not with you', she thought to herself.

What she said instead was, "My fiance was a captain - My captain to be specific"

Zoro raised his brows, "You were engaged?"

The memory was bittersweet. She smiled sadly. The swordfighter noticed how pretty she was eventhough her smile didn't reach her eyes.

"We were young", she shrugged.

"So it ended badly I take it?", there wasn't a hint of empathy in his voice. What did she expect? Getting involved with your captain rarely ends well.

"Let's talk about something else...", she knew Zoro's mind probably immediately went to heartbreak but if she had the chance, she'd do it all over again as long as he was with her.

"You've been avoiding me", he stated, "why?"

Zoro wasn't a fan of beating around the bush. Of course he had noticed that the girl went out of her way to never having to interact with him in any way. He didn't sweat it though. He wasn't desperate for a new friend. If there was a new team mate, so be it. Didn't mean they had to like each other. What he was curious about, however, was why she seemed to apprehensive about getting to know him.

"I guess I just didn't want to risk starting to like you", she shook her head knowing how ridiculous that sounded.

Zoro furrowed his brows. From all the possible answers he could've gotten, this wasn't one he'd have expected. He was almost a little offended now.

"You didn't seem to mind getting to know the others"

"That's different", she sighed. He noticed how exhausted she looked.

"You knew me when you first joined the crew", he continued.

"Doesn't the whole world know you by now? The Straw Hats are notorious"

He didn't take this for an answer.

"You know as good as me that this is something entirely different. What I don't know, however, is what I did to you"

"Of course, you don't", she laughed bitterly. She knew that she wasn't fair to him. She didn't expect him to remember but she couldn't help it. Zoro blinked a few times, trying to figure out what it was the girl was talking about.

She sighed, "Do you ever have any regrets about being a bounty hunter in the past?"

He had never thought about that but he slowly shook his head after thinking about her words for a few seconds. He still wasn't sure what she was on about but he wanted to understand.

"I don't believe in regret", he answered. There wasn't anything he could do about his past. Back then he never would've thought that he'd ever become a pirate himself after making a name for himself as the pirate hunter Roronoa Zoro but what happened happend. He tried not to rack his brains over it.

"Well, I do", she mused.

"(Y/N)", he wanted to tell her to just tell him what's going on but hesitated once he saw how she tensed up when her name left his lips. He almost felt bad for her, she looked so helpless. It wasn't like him to feel like that but something felt different about this situation.

"Nomi Malik", she sighed, "I don't suppose the name rings a bell..."

At first, Zoro wasn't sure who she was talking about. She could see his eyes moving trying to remember but then his brows creased just the tiniest bit. He did remember. Nomi Malik was one of the last pirates he caught before becoming one himself.

"Yes, I remember. Devil Fruit User... not very strong though. What about him?"

His words stung. They were true, of course they were. And then again they weren't. Malik wasn't weak. He had a hefty bounty on his head - otherwise Zoro wouldn't have wasted his time on him and his crew but the swordsman was extremely skilled - even before he became one of the Straw Hat Pirates. She didn't blame him stating the obvious though. When she visibly struggled to find the right words, he continued.

"Did you know him?"

'That's an understatement', she thought to herself.

Instead, she just nodded. He stayed quiet waiting for her to continue. He noticed the sun was starting to rise, casting a golden hue upon her features.

"We grew up together", she turned to look towards the horizon, "I can't remember a time when he wasn't there... well, except for now, of course..." - she got quiet upon the realization - "when he asked me to join him, it wasn't even a question"

Zoro raised his brows. He knew he didn't remember every single person he ever hunted down but he was sure that (Y/N) was never one of them.

"If you were part of his crew...", he tried to vocalize his thoughts.

"Then why didn't you catch me along with the rest of his crew?", she finished his question for him, "well, I hadn't had a bounty back then. I was completely irrelevant to you"

"So, where's he now? Impel Down? You know Luffy broke half of the inmates out a few years ago... He could be out there somewhere...", Zoro shrugged. What had happened to her was unfortunate but he just did what he had to do to survive. To say he felt bad would be a lie.

The girl opposite of him slowly shook her head though, "Wanted dead or alive...". She emphazised the word to show him that the marine truly didn't care. Either option was fine with them as long as there was a pirate less roaming the sea.

The swordsman was taken aback. What reason would the marines have to do this? They had imprisoned pirated way more powerful than Nomi's crew.

"No, that-"

"I was there", she cut him off, "I followed you when you handed them over. Right outside the marine base"

The smile returned on her face as she stared off somewhere into the distance.

"You were incredibly skilled even back then... of course there's no comparison to now... after your training with Mihawk, I mean"

Zoro knew he was good but the praise didn't feel as great as he was used to. At the moment, the only thing he felt was a weight upon his chest. He never felt remorse for his enemies but he was also never confronted with their surviving loved ones before. Most people thought of Zoro as cruel, heartless, a brute but that wasn't necessarily true. There were people he cared about - he just didn't show it. Besides, he knew how it felt like to lose someone.

"What happened?", he asked her, still not sure how thinks could've escalated.

"Malik was a lot like Luffy in a sense. Adventurous, fun-loving, great leader - stubborn though. There was no way he'd let himself and his crew get captured without a fight. He became a pirate for freedom. To see the world. He couldn't have that behind bars. I don't think he seriously thought he'd stand a chance. It was just his- I mean our crew against the whole base"

She made her way over the battlefield towards her lover. Slow. Too slow for her liking. For every yard she made she had to fight off two or three marines. Granted, most of them were only low ranking officers but there were too many for her liking. But for a moment things looked like they were turning in their favour - or at least favourable enough. Starting a fight was smart. If they played their chances right they could flee in the commotion.

From across the battlefield (Y/N)'s and Malik's eyes met. He sent her a darin wink looking as handsome as ever. She couldn't help but let out a hearty laugh. Only her daredevil of a boyfriend could make this high stress situation somewhat romantic. 'I love you', he mouthed over to her but she didn't get the chance to answer anymore as a new wave of marines stormed the plaza in front of the base.

As more and more marines flooded the place it became harder and harder for (Y/N) and her crew to hold out against their attacks. When the first one of their crewmate's bodies hit the ground (Y/N) knew there would be no fleeing. She loved how loyal her lover was. Loyal to her and to his crew. But this also meant that this fight would have to end - one way or another.

The blood was rushing in her ears as (Y/N) witnessed more and more of her crewmates being critcally hit. Her friends. People she grew up with. Good people. She stood still for a moment. She saw Malik's first mate lying on the ground a few feet ahead of her. She and him used to play cards together. It was him who taught her the rules of the game and it was her who showed him how to cheat people out of their money by bending even those rules. Next to her their navigator crashed to the floor. (Y/N) knew him since she was a little girl. He always knew the best routes and alleys to get away from the vendors that would chase after them when they yet again decided to steal candies and little toys from them. Nobody knew their little village as good as him. She felt helpless - lightheaded almost - but she didn't have the luxury of taking the time to mourn her friends as she had to focus on getting ahead. Closer towards were Malik was fighting against a vice-admiral at the moment.

Her captain was a devil fruit user but his powers didn't seem to have any effect on the vice-admiral. (Y/N) knew this could mean one thing only - this guy's Haki was way stronger than Malik's. She knew she needed to get to them. She was aware that she couldn't be of much help, even without his devil fruit powers Malik was much stronger than her but whatever they did, they did it together.

She was still busy fighting several marines when a loud slashing sound followed by a muffled scream cut through the air. (Y/N)'s head whipped around just in time to see Malik's body hit the floor as well now. After the vice-admiral made sure the other male wasn't in any shape to get up and continue the fight, he just left him there to bleed out and die.

The ringing sound in (Y/N)'s ears was back and everything seemed as if it were in slow motion. As fast as her legs would carry her she hurried towards were her lover was lying in the dirt - the fight forgotten. A patch of his own blood staining his clothes growing bigger and bigger by the minute.

"Malik!", she screamed his name, tears already forming in her eyes. As she finally reached him, she wasted no time immediately sliding on her knees pressing her hands on the deep wound on his torso.

"It's okay now. I'm here. It's going to be okay", she babbled probably more to soothe herself rather than the dying love of her life beneath her.

"Baby... Ba-baby, listen. You need to leave", eventhough she could see in how much pain he was, the man - her captain - still send her a reassuring smile. His teeth and lips were already coloured red from his own blood but he still looked so incredibly handsome to her. He was still her Malik.

"What? No! Why would I do that? I'm not leaving you", the tears were now streaming freely down her face.

"You don't have a bounty. They don't even know who you are yet. This is your only chance. Please, I'm begging you. Leave"

How come all of them had to die while (Y/N), who was less strong - less experienced - got to live? It didn't seem fair to her. She shook her head making the tears fall everywhere from the motion. She wouldn't leave. If her whole crew, her captain, the man she loved with all her heart had to die, she'd go with them.

"What are you saying there?", she smiled through the tears, "We're in this together. I'm not leaving. I'm not", she repated the last phrase over and over again. Malik tried to gently interrupt her ramble but she wouldn't have it. It was almost like she didn't even hear him. It was only when he finally raised his voice that she fell silent and really listened to what he was saying.

"I don't have much time left, so listen to me now. I'm still your captain so you gotta do what I tell you", he tried to sound serious but failed knowing that their relationship has always been grounds for teasing within the whole crew and even among themselves. Even now, whilst being in pain and bleeding out, he never lost his happy spirit she fell in love with. She was reminded of the reality of the situation when his happy laugh soon turned into a hurtful cough, "I love you. I've loved you forever. And I always will. I'm sorry I never got to make you my wife. I'm sorry for being too stubborn. I'm sorry for everything"

There's so much she wanted to tell him. That there was nothing to be sorry about. That she'd do it all again. That she loved him more than anything. But all she could do was sob and put pressure on his wound to try and slow down the bleeding.

"Please. You need to leave now. I'll be fine - it's like going to sleep. It's easy. But- but I need you to be fine as well", he nodded up at her as she felt his hands on top of hers moving them away, releasing the pressure she was putting on the lethal wound on his torso. As soon as her hands left their place the blood started gushing and spilling over his body, making the pool of blood he was lying in rapidly increase in size. She cupped his face with one of her hands, stroking through his hair with the other, staining both in the process. Still crying she leaned down and pressed one last kiss on his lips that were already starting to become cold from the blood loss. The kiss tasted like the blend of her tears and his blood - salty and like iron. For a moment only him and her mattered. She knew those were the last moments that she'd ever have with her lover and she cherished every second of it.

A loud crash pulled her back to reality. The fight was lost and she knew she needed to get away. She took one last look at the love of her life before standing up and leaving him there - along with a piece of herself.

"I really miss him...", her voice grew thick and she swallowed to pull herself together. She wasn't the same since that day. She struggled with those memories. In fact, she didn't know which ones were worse - the happy memories from her dream or rather those painful ones. (Y/N) avoided thinking about it too much - she was plagued by guilt ever since she got to live while others had to die, "I had to leave the bodies there... They - the marine I mean - they didn't even bury them properly. They were just all thrown in some kind of unmarked mass grave or something... like... like a bunch of dogs"

Zoro didn't know what to say. The way the girl sat before him, he could tell how painful this all was to her and he felt bad that he was the reason for it. Contrary to popular belief, Zoro wasn't as clueless as most people thought. Most of the time he simply didn't care to pay enough attention but right now he had listened to every single word that left her lips and yet had still no idea what to say. He was truly lost for words.

"I'm... sorry", as soon as Zoro spoke the words he realized how foolish they sounded. Almost as if to apologize for eating the last desert or borrowing something without asking beforehand - not for indirectly being responsible for the death of a loved one. He wanted to tell her that he too knows how it feels to lose someone. That he never meant for that to happen but instead he just remained silent.

She sighed and quickly wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes with the palms of her hands.

"I have no ill will towards you. You only did what you had to do to survive. It's a dog eat dog world out there. I know this as good as you", she sent him a shaky smile, "You didn't kill him. It was his decision to fight. It's just... seeing you here again. Everyday. It brings back memories. I see you and I think of him. I can't help it. I know it's not fair to you but that's the only way I know how to cope at the moment", she shrugged like it wasn't that big of a deal but her inability to hold his gaze for even a second showed how she truly felt.

The morning sun was now fully out and slowly the other Straw Hats started to fill the deck - starting with Sanji, who was usually the first to get up everyday to prepare breakfast for the whole crew. (Y/N) decided to join him like most days. She was awake anyways so preparing breakfast with Sanji became like her little morning ritual. She sent Zoro a small smile before she left him sitting there alone with his thoughts.

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Zoro didn't show up for breakfast that day. (Y/N) was thankful for it. That morning was emotionally draining for her but there was also something else... It was the first time she's ever spoken about what had happened back then and apart from the vulnerability it felt good to properly allow herself to think of her old friends and her former lover again. She did allow herself to mourn them right after it happened but the guilt was overwhelming and most of the time she wished for herself to be dead as well. To combat those feelings she abandoned the memories of her old crew altogether - the hurtful ones as well as the happy ones - until she didn't think about them at all anymore. Of course, she never forgot them. She still had a goal to reach, but she just didn't allow herself to indulge in those memories anymore in fear of the emptiness inside of her returning. Today, was different though. Talking to Zoro about everything, re-living the situation hurt, but now that she was sitting in the dining area sorrounded by her new crew - that familiar hopelessness never came.

"Oi, where's Zoro?", Luffy spoke through a mouth-full of food.

"It was his turn with night watch duty tonight. He's probably catching up on sleep", Dr. Chopper explained. He was right. It wasn't unusual for the night guards to be absent during breakfast in the morning - especially for Zoro, who took any opportunity he could to squeeze in a good nap whenever he got the chance - but Sanji would usually make sure that whoever's turn it was would eat first and then go to bed.

"Fine by me", the captain laughed happily as he grabbed another stack of food from across the table, "that mean I get to eat Zoro's portion then"

(Y/N) silently agreed with the Straw Hat, not minding the swordfighter's absence at all. It was Sanji that wasn't having any of it though.

"Who does he think he is? (Y/N)-san and I spent all this time preparing this food. Cooking, frying, baking... And this stupid marimo doesn't even show up? Doesn't he know wasting food is a cardinal sin in my kitchen?"

"Oi, Sanji calm down. I don't think any food is going to wast", (Y/N) motioned to Luffy, who grabbed yet another set of plates, shoving everything in his mouth at once, "besides, we've all skipped breakfast before..."

Her words had the desired effect and the cook did indeed shut up about Zoro, so that she could finally enjoy the rest of her food in peace without having to worry about the moss head.

************************************************************************

After breakfast (Y/N) decided to spend some time with the others, doing chores, training and generally enjoying the day. The sun was out and Nami decided this was the perfect weather to sunbathe a little. And so (Y/N) found herself along with Nami and Robin, who preffered to read under a parasol, on deck soaking up the sun whilst being served and taken care off by Sanji. (Y/N) could've done without the overbearing cook bringing them iced tea and little snacks every few minutes but Nami insisted that he enjoyed being of service so they should just lean back and enjoy - which she eventually did.

It was only when Zoro did not show up for dinner either that she realized that (Y/N) hadn't seen the swordsman at all that day after their talk in the wee hours of the morning. For a moment she pondered if she should fix him a plate and bring it up to the crows nest, so that he didn't have to go hungry but then quickly decided against it. If he didn't want to see her, she wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable by forcing herself on him. 'He'll surely wander into the kitchen after dinner is finished and fetch himself some leftovers', she thought to herself, 'And tomorrow everything will be back to normal'

But the next morning Zoro still didn't show up for breakfast. Or dinner. Or the breakfast the morning after.

"Hey, Usopp... who's turn was it to keep night watch ?", she furrowed her brows. Did the swordfighter switch with Nami again in exchange for some extra allowance so that he could buy more booze during their next errand run? It was a win-win situation for the both of them. Nami got to have her 'much needed beauty-sleep' whilst Zoro could earn some money on the side. He usually slept during guard duty anyways, relying on his instincts to kick in should something or rather someone try to start shit. She halted for a second, when did she get to know him that well?

"Uh? Franky's I think, why?", the long-nosed sniper answered her but was quickly dimissed by a hand gesture from the black market dealer. This was weird... Was he mad at her now?

Ever since that morning with Zoro, she slept well - great actually. Granted, it was a dreamless sleep but she preferred it like this at that moment in time. When she awoke in the morning, she realized that she had slept in. A little disgruntled about nobody waking her for breakfast she made her way into the dining area.

She didn't expect to find the swordsman sitting there. Their talk was now about a week ago and still he had somehow successfully managed to avoid her at all costs. She didn't see him during mealtime. She didn't see him roaming the ship. He didn't even nap at his usual spots, whenever (Y/N) was nearby. (Y/N) didn't know how to feel about it. There definitely was a feeling in her chest and she definitely knew that it wasn't a good feeling but she couldn't quite tell what it was... Was it guilt? Guilt for dumping all her trauma onto him? Annoyance that it was now him that somehow couldn't stand even being in the same space as her? No... it was something else entirely... Whatever it was, she didn't like it. Talking to him - speaking her feelings - she hadn't felt so at peace in ages and she was thankful for the opportunity and now it felt like she created herself another problem.

When she entered the dining area, several heads turned to her, greeting her, teasing her for sleeping in but (Y/N) only had eyes for a certain mosshead at the very head of the table. Her heart involuntarily skipped a beat. She was glad to see him - a thought for which she would've bitten her own tongue a week ago. Maybe she was simply over-thinking and everything could go back to normal now...

Zoro however had other plans as he slowly lowered the cup he was holding, placing it back on the table, getting up in the process.

"Where do you think you're going?", Sanji started but the pirate hunter didn't even stop walking.

" 'M full", he mumbled as he passed the girl that was still standing in the doorway.

"Zoro... you don't-", she tried to reason with him, still in disbelief about what she was seeing but he didn't acknowledge her.

Luffy was already all over Zoro's leftover whilst Sanji was still raging about there being leftovers at all when (Y/N), who hadn't moved an inch, too shocked by what just had happened, finally spoke up - although more to herself, "I'm not hungry"

With that she turned on her heel leaving the Straw Hats sitting there perplexed about what it was they had just witnessed.

"What was that?", Usopp asked no emotion on his face or in his voice.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say relationship troubles", Nami answered not enjoying the thought of not knowing about what was up with those two. Little did she know that neither (Y/N) nor Zoro had any idea themselves. However from then on, neither of them would show up where they expected the other to be present aswell, which - to be fair - on a ship could be anytime or anywhere, so they mostly stuck to themselves. Zoro in the crowsnest and (Y/N) in the aquarium.

************************************************************************

Yet another fight. Why did these damn Straw Hats always have to get themselves into some kind of trouble? (Y/N) had heard about the G-5 marines before. She heard horror stories about the marines of this branch being insane and needlessly cruel, torturing pirates for fun, killing them without reason but (Y/N) didn't dwell on it. She learned years ago to not fear death anymore but even if she did, there wouldn't be much reason for it. The Straw Hats really were as strong as the people in the bars were telling themselves behind their hands whenever they entered the establishment.

She had never seen anybody fight the way Luffy did, using Haki and his devil fruit power almost effortlessly. If she wasn't so preoccupied with the marines she was fighting off, she'd just stand there and watch her captain fight the vice-admiral that the people called Smoker the White Hunter. Neither of them holding back on their attacks.

But it wasn't only Luffy, who was extremely powerful. She quickly realized that every single one of the crew could hold their own in a fight, making her scramble to prover her worth as well. She'd be damned if someone had to rescue her during their first real brawl.

She had to admit seeing Zoro fight, triggered some uneasy feelings she quickly had to abandon to the back of her mind. He was the only one whom she had seen fight before but last time they unfortunately weren't on the same side. Of course, he greatly improved from back then to now - she was glad she didn't have to stand before him on the battlefield. Fighting almost seemed to be fun to him but not in a way that she had seen with Luffy or even Malik. It wasn't a carefree happiness. She heard people talk about the pirate hunter as if he wasn't fully human - part demon even - but she always dismissed these rumours as drunken tavern talk nothing more, nothing less but now (Y/N) knew what it was they were talking about. If it weren't for the semi-friendly competition between him and Sanji, she'd be more concerned but as the two of them were at each others throat whenever they had a free minute, she figured it was normal.

Zoro must've struck down close to double the amount of marines that the rest of the crew had managed to defeat in the same time when he suddenly stopped, his devilish demenour forgotten. (Y/N) forrowed her brows, trying to understand what was going on over there. Who was that woman facing Zoro and why was he not fighting her? She knew Sanji never kicked a lady but (Y/N) has seen Zoro fight women before. So why was he not moving?

As the two of them were in the middle of what seemed to be a heated discussion in which the female captain tried to attack the green-headed fighter to get him to fight her, (Y/N) noticed that Zoro was so busy deflecting her hits that he didn't even noticed two marines wildly starting an attack from behind.

With a few long strides, (Y/N) stood between the pirate hunter and his attackers, striking them down in the process.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You should've seen that coming!", she yelled at him already finding herself in the next one on one fight. It was as if the pirate hunter was snapped out of his daze as he quickly made an exit, leaving the marine captain behind.

************************************************************************

"Hey", he walked up to her where she was sitting gazing at the surface of the water. The sun had already started to set and it was a bit chilly outside, so it was only the two of them on deck of the Sunny. (Y/N) couldn't help but to be reminded of the last time the both of them were alone out there, feeling at peace and strangely familiar with the mosshead.

"I saved your ass out there today", she told him, still not taking her eyes off of the water, "who was she? The marine captain with the glasses I mean"

Zoro hesitated for a moment. He didn't like talking about personal stuff. That was nobody's business anyways but she had opened up to him as well. She trusted him with her trauma, so maybe he should do so as well? Before he could make a decision, the dealer interrupted his thoughts.

"You could've easily taken her. I've watched her - she's good... but now that good", she was now looking at him, Zoro couldn't quite read the look on her face, "Listen, you do you but if we really are a crew I need to know that I can trust you..."

The fighter sighed but ultimately decided to tell (Y/N) all about Kuina, their goal and his promise to her. When he finished it was him that couldn't stand to hold her gaze anymore.

"That's very noble of you - holding on to your promise after all those years, I mean", she sent him a soft smile. Zoro noticed that she didn't seem to have any problems finding the right words. She didn't just stutter out an 'I'm sorry' for lack of a better idea.

The mosshead shrugged. Not even know he knew what to say to properly portray why becoming the strongest was so important to him.

"I understand, you know?", she continued, "I have a goal too. It's not as honourable as yours and it's entirely selfish to be honest but it's the reason I've become a black market dealer and just between the both of us? It's also the only reason I joined you guys", she lowered her voice for the last part eventhough she knew nobody could hear them.

Zoro was still hung up on her calling him honourable. That word was the last thing he would've described himself.

"What is your goal?", his voice was deep, no inflections, but he was genuinely interested.

She laughed to herself embarrassed about her ambitions but then decided to keep talking - albeit without looking at him, "I've never talked about this to anybody... When Malik died I swore to myself I'd find his devil fruit. I've been looking for years. Built up an underground trading network, buying and selling all kinds of useless junk so that I always have the funds to pay for should my vendors some day offer me the right one. No luck so far"

Zoro blinked a few times. He remembered Nomi's devil fruit. Whoever ate the fruit gained the ability to plant visions in their enemies heads gaining an advantage in combat situations but...

"Here in the New World many - if not all - people have Haki. You'd have to be very strong to overcome that", he tried to be gentle with his delivery, not wanting to insult her by implying that she'd be too weak to be a devil fruit user. She turned to fully face him now.

"Oh, I know...", she paused for a moment, seemingly searching for the right words, "it's just - I couldn't stand the thought of anybody else having his fruit. Being on the battlefield and having to fight against something that was such a core component of what made him him"

"So you just want to have it?"

She shrugged, "Don't tell Luffy I said that but I always thought a pirate that can't swim is a little foolish anyways. A recipe for disaster really"

For a moment the two just looked at each other but then the girl broke out in a huge grin. He hadn't seen her smile properly ever since she joined the crew. She was friendly to everybody - sans him of course - but she was never really happy. She tried to stop it by biting her lip but that made it only more charming to him.

"You saved me today", he dead-panned, looking down at her not knowing how to show his grattitude as he wasn't used to being saved. It was usually him that did the saving.

"I did"

"Why? I thought my presence brings back bad memories", his voice was low barely but a whisper.

"That doesn't mean I want you to die, you idiot", she sounded almost offended by his suggestion, "You've been avoiding me", she continued, now wanting some answers for herself.

"I didn't want you to be forced to eat at the same table with me. All those things that happened to you..."

She looked at him with a sad expression on her face placing a hand on his forearm. Usually the swordsman would've pulled his arm away but he just let her, "Zoro, I've told you before I don't blame you for what happened"

"Even if that were true, you said seeing me reminded you of what happened. So I stayed away"

She tried to find the right words to express her feelings. On one hand she felt incredibly guilty that he felt he needed to isolate himself from his crew - his nakama - just so that she would feel better and on the other hand she wanted to yell at him that he was being stupid. That he did too much. But there was also another feeling inside (Y/N)'s chest. Was it thankfulness? He had shown her that her feelings and comfort was in this moment more important to him than his own.

Zoro didn't know what to expect now. Did he do too much? Why was he so bad at interpreting people's emotions?? Much to his surprise the girl leapt into his arms, though, hugging him tightly. At first, he was a little overwhelmed but soon hugged her back.

"Thank you, Zoro", she mumbled into his shoulder, where her face was buried.

"I- Don't mention it...", he decided to tighten his grip around her waist a little, "You said- that you didn't want to risk starting to like me-"

He couldn't even finish what he was trying to say as the woman who was comfortably nestled in his arms wiggled and struggled to free herself from his grip. Why did he say that? He scolded himself. Why would he remind her of her resolution to keep her distance. There were a thousand thoughts rushing through his head - which would've been a lot for any person, but was even more especialy for Zoro, who usually didn't think much about things. But maybe that was the problem, he told himself. At least he had a good poker face...

"Zoro, look at me", she put both her hands on either side of his face to make sure he'd actually look at her, "it's a little late for that... I like you already"

"You- you do?", the mosshead couldn't help but to sound surprised.

"Yep", she popped the 'p', Zoro's eye flickered down to her lips for just the fraction of a second. He hoped that she didn't notice but no such luck.

"I think I've liked you since the first time we talked, I just didn't realize it until you started avoiding me", she leaned in closer, sliding her hands from the sides of his face to the back of his neck. He could feel her breath on his lips now as she voice was barely above a whisper, "Can I kiss you?"

He didn't even answer. Instead he leaned down and pressed his lips onto hers and it didn't take long for (Y/N) to return the kiss. It wasn't hungry or passionate. They didn't make out. It was sweet and it was full of emotions.

"So that's what you two have been doing during mealtime, huh?"

The two of them jumped apart as they heard Usopp's voice.

"And here I was starting to think the two of you disliked each other", Nami added.

(Y/N) and Zoro shared a look trying to gauge how the other wanted to handle this.

"If you only knew..."

************************************************************************

Epilogue

It's been a few weeks since Usopp and Nami caught the two of them on deck. They both decided to let them believe whatever they thought they deduced on the spot. (Y/N) was happy either way. Of course, she would never be able to forget what had happened in front of that marine base a few years back - she didn't even want to forget - but she decided it was time for her to move one. She knew Malik would want that for her. And whenever she wandered the deck in the wee hours of the morning now it was not because she was plaqued by the bad memories, but solely because she decided to keep the green-headed swordfighter company and sit by the water and talk, daydream and watch the sea.

[seat-safety-switch]

Recently, I was watching television when a formless ghoul appeared and told me that it was my fault for not owning a house. Despite the fact that I do own a house thanks to the unsolved death of my landlord and the subsequent squatters-rights law that allows me to keep adverse possession of the property unless I leave for over 24 hours at a time, something else about what she said stuck in my craw.

She explained that if I would just take $1500 a month out of my paycheque, and put it aside, and never touch it, I would have enough to make a down payment on a house. This made sense, but only that kind of sense which is made until you put down the bong and ask the other person at the party to repeat themselves very slowly while you pull out your Bowie knife and body-snatcher detector.

if you did indeed start saving $1500 a month in January 1st, 2018, you would indeed have $90,000 by January 1st, 2023. Probably a little more from interest, but not nearly as much as you would have had by repeatedly putting that money into literally any investment vehicle, such as a 1978 Plymouth Volare.

Now, here's where things get really crazy.

If you take that same $1500 a month and you start putting it in your bank account in the year 620, by January 1, 2023, you will be able to afford a $25 million house, all cash. Or the 20% downpayment on a $125 million house if you’re feeling like you can stretch it a little. And you also will have experienced the entire arc of the industrial revolution, which you will have been unable to enjoy while paying rent to more than two dozen landlords, even as the concept of serfdom collapses around you.

Here's where things get even crazier.

If you had $1500 American dollars per month in the year 620, you would actually be able to just buy the papacy and install yourself as Pope, replacing the uncharismatic Boniface V. In this case, you would be living rent free in the Vatican for over 1400 years, unable to be removed unless through direct sub-papal fiat, although still vulnerable to the radical side-effects of internecine warfare in Italy and especially the pressures of standing up to a politically strong emperor in a time when the Church’s absolute power over politics is beginning to wane. Then, you can spend that $1500 a month on whatever you like, instead of housing or food. I recommend a 1978 Plymouth Volare.

This is the real life hack, and it's shocking nobody talks about it.

Subscribe to my tiktok for more finance tips, and by “tiktok” I mean the sound that the broken camshaft on my 1978 Plymouth Volare is making. If you buy it, I swear it’s an easy fix.

[whimsicalpoet44]

Sorry I've been M.I.A. I've been processing a lot of grief and have had a lot of unexpected life changes (unrelated to grief).

Soooo, to cheer myself up here's some random astro observations.

Random Astrology Observations

These are based on my experiences, and not every one of these will apply to someone else with the same placements. This is just my own observations!

Note: If I use the word Karma, I mean the concept that you get back what you give to others. I want to be respectful about using the term and wanted to make sure I'm distinguishing it separately from the religious meaning of the word. I haven't found a great alternative for it even after searching extensively, so if anyone knows one please let me know! I know it's been westernized and I hate that. ☹️

⚡️ Anyone with 3rd House placements will likely encounter issues with their siblings at some point or another. They could live in their siblings shadows, been tasked to take care of them, or just never got a long with them altogether. This can play out in a hundred different ways, though.

⚡️ We talk a lot about repercussions for messing with a person who has Saturn in the 4th/8th/12th House. But Saturn in the 2nd? I almost feel like it's worse.

I know a person with Saturn in the 2nd who was being mistreated by an authority figure. The person mistreating her was getting a degree in higher education. By the time the two parted ways, the person mistreating her had her entire reputation completely obliterated, rendering her higher degree completely useless in her career field as a result. And the person with Saturn in the 2nd told nobody about the individual's behavior.

Saturn won't just come for their finances, they'll come for anything of value. Six months later, that individual was divorced, selling her home, and was pushed out of the organization she worked in. It was genuinely shocking lol

⚡️ As a person works through their Lilith sign, their appearance can change. Not just physically, but their overall vibe. They'll feel like a different person. And it's because they've owned their inner power.

⚡️ Scorpio Placements are so powerful, but they often stand in their own way. They can manifest basically anything, but their self deprecating tendencies can hold them back from attaining it.

⚡️ If the Universe pairs a Capricorn Rising and a Scorpio Rising to hold a person accountable for their shitty behavior, you know whoever that person is really messed up. Both of these rising signs hold heavy karma, one from Saturn and one from Pluto. It's actually quite a beautiful sight to behold if the person is deserving. I've seen this on many occasions and when both are through, there's nothing left standing.

Both individuals also always figure out about halfway through the divine intervention that they play a far greater role than they realize and it's a lesson for the two individuals to step into their own power as well.

When we try to be the 'better' person, sometimes we're denying the person who wronged us the accountability they deserve.

⚡️ In a synastry chart, aspects to Lilith, South Node, Chiron, and Juno can indicate potential soul contracts if you know where to look. (If you're soulmates/twin flames/karmic partners/etc). Of course there are other indicators as well.

⚡️ Sagittarius placements are seen as hopeful and positive, but a lot of the times, they're full of doom and gloom. They avoid their problems by doing whatever they want. Many of them never planned out a long-term future because they never saw themselves reaching that point of their lives, rendering them in a disaster they have to clean up and build themselves back from the bottom up. Which they do successfully. They never really lose hope, but they avoid responsibility until they can't anymore.

⚡️ Aquarius/11th House Placements fight a life long battle of trying to be themselves and not fit the mold their parents laid out for them. They only find true happiness when they realize their life path isn't for everyone and it relies on the fact that they must be who they really are.

⚡️ Aries Placements get a lot of hate, but if they react from a healthy place, they make some of the best advocates I've ever seen. I think it's because they have an endless supply of energy and healthy anger to tap into to make sure everything is getting addressed correctly.

⚡️ Leo Placements cannot escape attention. It follows them. They are usually forced to reconcile with it and learn to work through the uncomfortable feeling associated with it.

⚡️ If you have a planet that's in the same sign as your Chiron (or conjunct), prepare for that area of your life to be a complete dumpster fire until you find a healthy way to work through the Chiron wounds.

⚡️ If you tell a Scorpio something they don't want to hear, they'll just change the subject. Then they'll come back to you in 6 months and tell you that you were right, but they'll never outright say the words "you were right."

⚡️ I'm pairing Libra, Pisces, and Cancer together to work through their people pleasing phase, because once they do, they can flip a switch and cut someone off without a second thought. That's when they unlock their inner power and begin to set healthy boundaries.

⚡️ Taurus Risings have a lot of great qualities to them (and I do love them), but I've seen a lot of praise for Taurus Risings who also have Scorpio placements. While I can see the benefits, every Taurus Rising with Scorpio Placements that I've ever met (and I've oddly met a few) have created their own personal prison in their minds when it comes to trusting others and opening up. They won't crack. They are lock and key. They can express they want to be vulnerable, but they often don't know how. (Again, this is just my oddly specific experience lol) They also struggle with finding safety in materialism, while also feeling empty because they crave more spiritual interactions.

⚡️ Gemini and Sag placements always feel chronically misunderstood. I've also never met a single Gemini/Sag that wasn't diagnosed with ADHD or was a burnt out gifted kid. A couple of my friends that tried to prove me wrong came to me about 2 years later with a diagnosis in their 30s. 😂 (again, just my experience)

⚡️ Virgo North Node - How's that career in healthcare going? 😂 Jk, not everyone with a Virgo North Node is in healthcare, but it's a lot of you. lol

⚡️ Capricorns are some of the most anxious people I've ever met. They just hide it really well. It most likely stems from whatever they went through in childhood.

⚡️ Virgo placements often carry this stereotype that they're uptight and anxious (with a lot of control issues). As a person that used to work in the mental health field, every Virgo I ever met did have anxiety, but it wasn't 😢anxiety😢. It was ✨anxiety ✨. They are some of the funniest people I've ever interacted with. And they did have the stereotypical Virgo traits, but there was a layer of sarcasm to it. They're hands down some of my favorite people. A lot of them are oddly cat people too, which is weird, because I see a lot of people associate Virgos with dogs. (though it's really both since virgo rules small pets)

⚡️ Ever Sag had a horse phase. I don't make the rules. 😂

⚡️ Cancer placements likely struggled with bullying in childhood. I swear it's because other kids can sniff out their sensitive nature and try to exploit them. They always end up surprised when Cancer placements stand up for themselves, though. I would never want to cross a Cancer placement because they'll find the time and patience to extract revenge. People forget about their cold side.

⚡️ Leo Sun, Virgo Moon, and Scorpio Rising are the ultimate big three combo. And weirdly, I know a lot of people with these placements. They trigger others without trying. They just exist and people literally hate them. They have a strong sense of justice and they're very methodical and practical. It's excellent.

[areyoudreaminof]

Worth The Wait: An Elucien Week Playlist

Happy Day One of @elucienweekofficial! Enjoy this playlist of songs about fate, love, and patience that I hope inspire you!

Tracklist and lyrics behind the cut!

Love Letter From the Sea to the Shore-Delaney Bailey

Cause you hold in my tide I would die a thousand times Just to see you in another life I think I loved you in a thousand ways 'Cause you remain stagnant on my trouble days No matter how far I drift away You'll be there when I come back one day

Silence-Before You Exit

Talking Why's everyone always talking? Noise in my head, but it’s nonsense I can't feel nothing Guarded Don't overthink how we started Knew from the second you walked in This could be something Everybody’s looking for a love to start a riot But every time I look in your eyes The world gets quiet

Comin' Around Again-Amber Marks

So let's see where the night goes Maybe love's comin' around again

Why Don't You-Cleo Sol

Why don't you just let go And quiet down your ego Don't complain about finance I know your daddy weren't a real man Go ahead and live your dreams To me you're stronger than a whole team

I wanna see you smile Even when you think I'm angry It's true it might take a while But it's between you and me

Homemade Holiday-babygirl

Homemade holiday Catching rays, wearing shades Inside, dead of the night Who needs pearly gates? You’re the same, hear your name I die, bye bye

Forever & Always-Zeph

Honey, now we're older, but we'll never age I don't think my love will ever start to fade My attachment to you isn't subject to change My heart's yours forever and always

The Day That I Met You-Matilda Mann

But then you called, only to say You'll never love somebody else this way And though I'm still battered and bruised I forgave the world the day that I met you

The people talk, it's background noise I don't wanna hear nobody else's voice There's somethin' sweet about your scent It's like lavender came and never left

Garden's Heart-Natasha Khan & Jon Hopkins

I hear a whisper in the trees Where I am you and you are me You need to find a way back here Remember what I said: The space that is in between You have to fight it

Love Sneakin’ Up on You-Bonnie Raitt

Fever turns To cold, cold sweat thinkin about things we ain't done yet Tell me now I gotta know, do you feel the same? Do you just light up at the mention of my name?

Till Forever Falls Apart-Ashe & FINNEAS

Out on our own Dreamin' in a world that we both know Is out of our control But if shit hits the fan, we're not alone

Jupiter-Flower Face

We can leave right now, never come back home You're all I need Forget everything that we used to be Take me to another place, fly me up to Jupiter We can run away But I'll always feel at home with you

Lucky For You- Novo Amor & Gia Margaret

Lucky for you I’m nothing without The thought of starting all my days With the mornings when I see you I’m bored of staring at my face Every morning when I need you

coffee-Miguel

Old souls we found a new religion Now I'm swimming in that sin, baptism Peach colored skies we feel the sunrise Two lost angels discover salvation Don't you wish we could run away now?

Sardine Song-Lav

If I had a home It would be our tin can Caught in your red hair Breathing in salt and making you swear Please Who do I have to be? I'll dip myself in honey Climb into the spaces in between your teeth

Ends of the Earth-Lord Huron

To the ends of the earth, would you follow me? There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see To the ends of the earth, would you follow me?

Unicron Loev-Raleigh Ritchie

There’s something about you That takes my blues away Life’s nothing without you I can’t get through the days I’ll never be cynical ‘Cause you wouldn’t have it I believe in miracles, I believe in magic

Morning Dove-Genevive Stokes

We don't talk much When I'm around you I'm a statue When you're running I can't catch you But it's not time There's a way to your defiance so I'll wait to break thе silence

I'm On Fire-Bruce Springsteen

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull And cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my skull At night, I wake up with the sheets soakin' wet And a freight train runnin' through the middle of my head Only you can cool my desire Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire

Worth the Wait-Kali Uchis

Most people don't know how to love, that's why they're empty Nothing will ever be enough, that's why they envy Gotta be careful with my heart because I love deep

How Deep is Your Love?-PJ Morton

How deep is your love? I really need to learn 'Cause we're livin' in a world of fools Breaking us down, when they all should let us be We belong to you and me

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[deesseshesca]

Mystery reading ~ 1 

Where is life going …

Morning, pretty souls, today we are checking on this bitch called : LIFE. What’s good ? What’s up ? What’s popping ? I’m talking CAREER, FINANCE, LOVE maybeeeeee s.e.x.

I already found my winner. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE THAT PARTICIPATED ! MUCH LOVE TO Y’ALL. 

Choose the image that’s speak to you and allow yourself to soak ONLY what’s reasoning with YOUR SITUATION 

Rules and Disclaimer 

I am the type of tarot reader to say as it is. Nothing is sugar coated but everything is sent with good intention. If you are not ready to face some truth, you should vagabond somewhere else. 

MINOR DON'T INTERACT WITH THIS POST 

MINOR DON’T READ THIS POST 

CHOOSE AN IMAGE

Basing myself on the legal age in my country which is 18 

PILE 1 (18+)

Moon (reverse), Six pentacles, Four pentacles (reverse), two cups, 666’ ‘’I’m sorry I put my career before you ! I’m trying to get out of debt… I’m willing to put time & effort now because I don’t want to lose you !’’, ‘’I’M learning how to love myself now thanks to you !’’

Your dreams are becoming a nightmare. You are breaking under pressure and your overthinking is running wild. You feel overwhelmed by your problems or your overthinking is paralyzing. You had a dream about a wolf and dog barking at you, we were so scared you woke up sweating. But what you don’t realize is that they were not coming for you, they were urging you to realize the urgency of your problem. You are in a constant state of anxiety and you project this upon others. You are the root of all your problems. Even if we take them away, you are still in bad shape. I really advise you to apply to some social help in your community regarding mental health. It might not be the best service but it will be a good beginning. Show some grace to your friend. They might not be equipped to fully help you, but they are trying their best. They are really here for you. They only wish to help and be a good shoulder for you to lay your head upon. In your heart, you know who your real friends are. Your fiance is doing so well, You are living your dream life and riding your dream car. I’m getting that nobody knows you are going through HELL in your mind. You don’t show it one bit. Is the only thing you control. Is the way you look so it will kill you if it falls apart. You bury yourself in workload just to distract from the constant voices in your mind. Several events are coming towards us. Before you fire a shot in your head, listen, is the way you are going to react going to determine the next few years in life. Don’t panic, do some shadow work, do some meditation and listen to some subliminals. So when the events happen you react in your best abilities. You might be closing this toxic cycle very soon. Allow change to affect your self-belief slowly but surely. Use your feelings and gut feelings. I feel you nodding your head in a negative way, but listen, if you can manifest a dream apartment and car in such a negative state. Babe not everything you are doing is wrong. Especially in this economy ! Give yourself some flowers. Stop putting others first. I feel like you hide your pain, because you don't want to feel like a burden. Babe I don't want you to hit the deep end. So I prefer you be a burden than a forever trauma for people around you. 

The remedy of a broken heart - Xxxtentacion

Romance 

Nine swords (reverse), Knight of pentacles, two pentacles (reverse), 6 pentacles (reverse) 

Right now there’s one of my closest guy friends that is showing signs of attraction towards you. Actually love not lust. You might not feel like jumping in because he doesn't know how badly life is beating you. You don’t want them to associate with the mess you are in. 

SEX 

TOOO BAD ! THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ! THEY ARE COMING IN ! Girl, he loves you. Before we even get anything sexual, he wants me to point out his feelings for you. Right you might feel like you sense a shift in y’all relationship but babe you have no idea how obsessive he is with you. Next, you will not let him hit quickly. You will move extremely slow. And he is going to allow you to take the lead. You might act like you don’t care about him, pretend like you don’t feel what he is feeling. But he knows deep down you are just scared of intimacy. You swear you prefer fucking over love, but him and I both know the truth. He's not letting your sabotage get in the way of y’all relationship. Girl you can play all the games you want he stays going to be gentle and waiting for you. Showing that he ain’t going anywhere. Never pushing your limit. Just happy to be in your presence. That man is going to book a hotel room for your first time. But i’m getting that y’all will already be in a relationship when y’all get down and nasty. You get a room full of candles and flowers like the one on the gram. For the first time in sex, it is not going to feel like you're distracting yourself from your life. But you will be totally immersed in the experience. I’m getting that your anxiety will be completely off. You might wake up thinking it was all a dream but nah girl he is really beside you and you are really in a hotel suite after having the best sex u ever had. You might try to control the whole experience and he will allow you to take the lead. He will always check on you : Can I take it off ? Do you want me to put my finger in, baby ? Does it feel good love ? You can take it all in,  princess .  (He loves using little names for you) He must be good at dirty talking. I’m hearing the type to talk you through it. 

AFTERCARE 

Y’all be cuddling. He will be keeping you close to him. You will finally let him in completely. You will apologize for letting work take first in your life and being emotionally available even though you guys are in a relationship. Because you were still very scared. But it won't be news for him, he already  knows it. You will realize how much you NEEDED someone like him in you life.

Foreplay- Shenseea 

PILE 2 

Temperance (reverse), 3 wands (reverse), Ace pentacles (reverse), 9 pentacles (reverse), 777. 111

You are not learning. I’m hearing Abby Miller: ‘’ HAVE YOU LEARN NOT NOTHING  !’’. Your excuse is life can end tmr and you might die at the very minute so YOLO. GIRL ! I can assure you, you will live longer than a month . You are not dying anytime soon. So… STOP IT ! Not only that but you have the audacity to feel unlucky like you ain’t the one messing it all up. Not only that, you are getting frustrated. I’m hearing someone around you saying ‘’ I told you so !’’. GIRL YOU DON’T HAVE MONEY. Don’t even try it. Stop spending money. There’s more money coming out than coming in. STOP SPENDING ! Girl, I'm your last warning. The universe is fed up with you. You are better at spending than earning. Is not even funny anymore …I swear. You might think I’m nagging but I'm stressing for you.. You are soon going to be in BIG PROBLEM.  YOU ARE NOT DYING TMR ! So stop the YOLO. Build some money discipline. When the universe will be happy with your change, your luck is going to come back even better this time. With the money, you will fund a new skill that will be more abundant than you ever have on your own. Your personal income will be 3x at least. 

Kobe - Fresh

ROMANCE 

Two words (reverse) , 5 swords, 2 cups (reverse), 5 pentacles

I feel you are in a relationship with someone you vow not to love but only to use for some money. Like you needed a place to stay. But it is just any ordinary man. Pile 2 you guys are the final boss of beauty privilege. The way your beauty is mesmerizing. Is like the sec that the male specimen lays eye on you, it submit to your every need. You are not at the basic level of having your drink paid or people always helping you. Men pay for your trip, your makeup, your luxury purse and everything you can think of, you will have. Every time you open up about it, girl be quick to call you an OF, when in reality you are fucking telling the truth. I didn't even know people like you exist. I thought my mind was playing games but one of your spirit guards was like ‘’If you can drag her spending, you better applaud her beauty’’. If you guys believe in past life, it will not surprise me if you were one of the prettiest princesses in the medieval and in the 1800. Like other souls may think that vanity is useless. But you know how resourceful it is. If you don't believe in it. Your beauty is something in the spiritual world that spirits admire to the point of idolizing it. I will not be surprised if you are of royal blood. Anyway, you are male ultimate fantasy. The man you know knows it. This is not your first rodeo. Is not the first time you use men for their resources. But it is the first time that the man  treats you like a goddess instead of a sex toy. He has venus in Virgo, his love language is act of service. He cares extremely about you. He cares about your well-being and your mental health. He is at least a multi-millionaire. He knows you are not fully committed to him, but he hopes that he shows how sincere he is, you will eventually open up. Everytime he try to have an emotional moment, you end up fucking him. And he's getting tired of it. If you don’t change the cards are showing me, that  is going to be too late. You  will soon realize he was one of the very rare ones. Let me tell you something, when he is done with something, there’s NOTHING that can make him go back. You are scared he is going to feel disgusted when he realizes how much shit you are financially. But believe me, he loves you too much. I think the concept of your love is foreign to you that you don’t even know how to actually react. Don’t worry he will teach you. 

You guys are definitely bilingual, you might be speak french 

I think it was essential for me to make a difference between your finances and the resources of others. I feel like you are living a luxurious life that has always been funded by everyone but you. And you can't even imagine becoming a rich man. Girl let me breathe some life into you. If you know how to make men answer to your  crazy desires that means you know how to market yourself. You probably know how to brand yourself. You've been jumping from rich to rich men, I know you pick more in their talk than I could ever in my economy class. Learn some financial discipline, learn a skill and you will have a sweet freedom. 

Streets - Doja Cat

PILE 3 (18+) 

Emperor (reverser), 5 pentacles, Ace pentacles (reverse), Strength (reverse), 0505,111, ‘’I miss making love to you ! I will do anything just to hold you again !’’, ‘’ I tried to replace you but it didn't work out because I’m madly in love with you & I was fighting it ! I know this is divine’’

Your life is a mess and it is your fault. Here I said it. I felt a lot of people sigh at the same time: ‘’Finally’’. You keep blaming others and hiding behind ‘’circumstances’’. You love to remind people of a glorious past you once had. Where you were on top of your game. I'm hearing Golden child gone bad. ( I'm even smelling mold) You were once the best of the school. The top employee at your work and winning trophies left right in sport, Now you barely show up to class. You always come very late at work. Because you keep escaping your problem You don’t look for help. You keep saying ‘’ it is what it is’’ Your finances might slow down but you're for sure taking a hit in life. You are feeling lonely and vulnerable. Some might stop here, but I know that you are hiding a bigger problem. You are actually a golden child turned importer syndrome. Back in high school it was easy to be the best. Now you are in a room full of people going as hard as you and you  feel like you ain’t doing enough or your result doesn't hold the candle beside theirs. You are stressed and miserable. Finally you don’t see the end of this financial mess. You feel like everything is expensive. But the reality is that you are trying to keep up with the lifestyle of your classmate. You have enough to survive and you are refusing to ask for help. Advice: 1. Buy quality over quantity. 2. Invest your time in a hobby that is free or very inexpensive so when you cancel your plan you actually have a good reason. And it stops you from overthinking . Also you are actually building skill instead of rotting. You have sadly fallen into bad habits but there is a way out. Unexpectedly, it is about to happen in your life with that hobby. You might find love or a job. Some will get fly out because of your skill. As crazy as it might be, you are on the right path. The right persons is heading your way, opportunities and happiness are closer than you think. 

Dans mon monde - GENEZIO

ROMANCE 

Wheel fortune, Star, 5 wands (reverse), 7 pentacles

Is the comeback of an ex. When he will make his appearance in your life you will be skeptical. There's so much chaos in your life and you don’t need more drama. Back then your relationship was rocky not because he was treating you like shit. He was emotionally close off. I’m getting a good girl and a bad boy. When you broke up with him, you swore to his face that your life would be better without him. Nobody can ignore your glow up. But your life is a complete mess and you are going to feel too embarrassed to show it to him. You guys are fated lovers. I’m hearing, red strings (ikyk). Unexpected meeting while you are running errands. You will look like a HOT mess. In your big pj, your person is going to be so turned on just by the sight of you. 

SEX 

I feel like when you are going to have sex, y'all would already be in a relationship. It will be in the daytime. It will not be planned, but at that moment both of you agree mentally that is happening now. You will be ready. Dress in white or pink pastel lingerie. I’m seeing small full perky tits. Bubble butt, you have bangs. Might be a brunette or blond, it can be a wig for my black reader. You are giving very doll vibes. The sex will be the best you ever had. I think he was your first. Since him had been fucking but nothing came close to him. Is not just because of love, the guy knows what he is doing. I feel like he has some sexual trauma. Like he lost his v-card very young to an older woman. And ever since he has been sexualising himself. He only loves being intimate with you. He also  fucked other women but none felt like you. It's like they were only there for his sexual abilities. While when y'all are making love, he feels seen, wanted and loved. Is also going to feel more better than usual because you guys are both open emotionally. You will open up before that encounter , he will answer some like ‘’ You loved me at my worst. Is a honor for me to be there for you and pour into your cup just like you did for me…’’Is going to be sensual, I’m getting DEEP love making. Is going to solidify y’all decision to try again for the long run. I’m getting a future spouse. 

AFTER CARE 

NO MESSAGE 

He has a big dick. Is hard for him to get turned on. But it is like he can’t help it when he is with you. You give the best head and you love giving him head. 

He has a lot of money 

He will fly you out to have this experience. BAECATION ! 

You definitely know how to speak french 

Bonbon a la menthe - Jok'Air

[furiousgoldfish]

We were talking about the struggle of getting survival information and skills, because the abusers gatekeep that information and lie about how tough it is to survive out there, so I'm going to open up my askbox today specifically for those seeking information about survival and life skills! It doesn't matter what age you are, if you have a question and nobody to ask to explain it to you, I'll give my best. There's some things I don't know, and in that case, maybe one of the readers will be able to answer instead of me.

I know these are all researcheable on the internet, but we're often shut down and discouraged from even doing research, and it's easier to ask someone to tell you what they know and think, to get an idea without having to do extensive research. I also welcome anyone who learned a lot from a specific resource, to share the resource! Sometimes just being pointed to the right resource helps a lot.

It's anonymous, so it doesn't matter what age you are, I'm going to assume you're all young and just trying to get some basic info, no question is too dumb or ignorant, and if I don't know the answer, at least you can be sure not to be told off or that 'you should know this'. Nobody has information materialize inside of their brain out of nothing, and everyone has the right to ask. For me it has been healing to be able to ask questions and get answers, and I want everyone to at least have that experience. And you can ask about whatever, if you think you have a medical issue and aren't sure if it's serious, you can ask that. If you're lost about how finances work, I only know about my own country's situation so I can tell you what I'm familiar with. (I'm not in the US so I can't tell you how things work over there).

I'll only do this for today, feel free to send messages in the next 24 hours.

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story- Side Part - Adonis

My first side part of two. Will plan for a second one for Liam. Hope you guys enjoy seeing it from a "hero's" perspective!

Enjoy!

Masterpost linked here!

____________________________

 I am the hero.

I believed this with every part of my being. Every cell and every atom within me screamed for me to step into the spotlight that was rightfully mine. The center stage that everyone longed for but so few could touch.

I grew up in obscurity. A father in a dead-end job whose lack of drive and ambition led our family to live paycheck to paycheck. Coming home just to drink and complain about work. I also had two older brothers who finished high school and went straight to work in the shop like our old man, with little regard for the world beyond our small town. But my mother… my mother was like me. She was a dreamer.

During my childhood she would read to me every night before bed. Classics, sci-fi, adventure stories… any book my mother could get her hands on. We explored world after world from the safety of my room as she read to me, equal parts excitement and longing shining in her eyes as she described faraway places and people that she would never get to see.

But her favorite story, the one we read most often, was a classic. A story of a brave knight, a hero. A story of a beautiful princess. A story of an evil dragon. I would listen with childish wonder as she described the princess being kidnapped and guarded in a tower, the knight and the dragon’s harrowing battle, and the happily ever after that awaited the hero and the princess.

“All stories should be like this one.” She told me confidently. “It is the best story in the world.”

She would point to pictures of the knight in the story book, a man in metal armor with a brightly shining sword. “When you grow up, you are going to be a great hero, a great man like him!”

I looked up at her, confused. “What about dad? Isn’t he great? Shouldn’t I grow up to be like him?”

At my question, her eyes were filled with sorrow and rage. “Don’t you EVER end up being like your dad. He’s a nobody.” She pointed at the book. “There’s no pictures of men like your dad in here, because they’re not important enough to get pictures. They don’t defeat the dragon, they don’t marry the princess, and they don’t have happy endings.”

“But Dad married you, and you are better than any princess!”

“…” She just stared silently at me for a moment. “Promise me you won’t become like your father. PROMISE.”

“… I promise.” I looked down at the knight in shining armor again, feeling determined.

I am the hero.

____________________________

My mother left us shortly after. Quietly walked out with her bags while we were all sleeping. My father didn’t say much to us about it. Just worked harder at his dead-end job and drank more when he was home. I watched it all, and knew without a doubt: My father was unhappy because he wasn’t the hero my mother wanted him to be. But I was different than him.

I worked hard, studied harder. Got into college on a scholarship. I was studying finance, determined to get into a career that would make a lot of money. To be different from my father. Packed away with all of my textbooks and papers, however, I still carried around my mother’s favorite book, the only memento I had of her, the only thing she had left behind for me to keep.

And that’s how I met Arabella.

My fairy tale book slipped out of my bag one day as I sat on bench trying to find a specific paper. I bent over and reached out to pick it up, but she got there before me.

“I love this book! Such a classic!” She smiled at me as she handed it over.

I fell in love with her smile.

We talked at length about books and stories. She was an English major, a lover of writing in all its forms. After that fateful day we spent many hours together. Talking, laughing, trading ideas. I fell deeper and deeper in love with her, fantasizing about confessing my feelings, and having her reciprocate. We would get married, have children, become successful, important people. Different from my father and mother.

She was my princess, my happy ending.

… Until she wasn’t.

“This is my boyfriend, Ben.” She introduced him with a different smile. I had thought I had seen all of her smiles, but it turns out that her most beautiful one, the one filled with love, was saved for someone else.

I hated him.

Hated how he seemed to shine in every space he was in. Hated that he was always the center of attention. He was a natural born leader, a great conversationalist, an all-around good guy that everyone liked. I hated everything about him, but most of all I hated the fact that he stole the love of my life from me. My darling Arabella.

She was mine.

But when I finally worked up my courage to tell her my feelings, instead of a smile filled with love, I got a look of pity and concern. She didn’t feel the same. She hoped we could still be friends.

I was humiliated. I thought I was the hero of her story, but I was just a nobody, a friend, an extra on the sidelines.

I was just like my father.

I hated my father, hated myself for being like him. But slowly, inevitably, my hatred took a new turn.

Arabella. Why did she not love me? Why was she ignoring our obvious connection? Why did she look at me with pity when I was so much better than that loser she was dating?

I hated her too. If she had never been there, I would have never felt so weak and helpless. I felt trapped in the sidelines, and couldn’t see a way to escape this fate of being nothing, of fading into obscurity. I had to do something. I refused to disappear into nothingness.

I am the hero.

So I fixed the problem.

And as I stood over the bodies of Arabella and Ben, my hand still holding the blood-stained knife, watching the blood pooling under them, rolling slowly towards my shoes. I realized the truth behind my world:

I was special.

The world froze. An inhuman being, the System, offered me a chance to work with it, to save the universe.

It was everything I wanted and more. Power. Prestige. A mission. I would be the main character, the knight I read about. I would be the hero.

It warned me that if I left with it, this world would be destroyed. I looked around. Now that I knew that this world was a lower realm, a romance story that I was a side character in, it all seemed so… small. Worthless. This world had done nothing but contain me, and I deserved to escape it.

I felt a brief flash of conscience. If I said yes, everyone I knew would be destroyed. My father. My brothers. My friends in college.

My mother.

Arabella.

But what have they ever done for me? I looked at the two options in front of me, and selected “Yes” with a firm hand.

And in that instant, they were gone.

And I was free.

____________________________

The System and I came up with a plan to save the universe. We tied all the heroes to me, to help me improve their character, in bonds called Fate.

But it wasn’t enough.

So we got a dragon, an evil creature who could be a good prototype for the villains in the lower realms. My nemesis to fight. But this failed too. The dragon was weak. For all its anger and desperation in the beginning, it soon became like a soulless, lifeless puppet. Silently completing its mission in each lower realm, often dying so quickly that I barely had time to influence the hero’s story. Punishments, threats… nothing worked. The nameless villain just looked at me with eyes that seemed like they belonged to something dead.

“You cannot threaten me.” It whispered. “You have already destroyed everything I love. My family is gone. I am alone.”

I felt a brief moment of panic at his words, but pushed it down and walked away. Refusing to dwell on the thought that rose up at his words:

We were similar. We both lost everyone. We were both alone. But we were so different… I lost mine by choice.

It didn’t matter. I did what I had to do.

I am the hero.

____________________________

We were getting nowhere. We needed something more, before the universe became too unstable, and all of the lower realms collapsed.

We needed a heroine. My princess.

There was only one option. One woman that I would accept. The love of my life, the heroine of my story,

Arabella.

I knew the System could do it. It was the god of this universe, filled with strange, unnatural abilities. It could bring her back, erase what I had done.

It had to.

After much arguing, the System agreed to “create” an Arabella.

I met her in the higher realm, the System had dressed her in gorgeous clothes, just like the princess she was meant to be.

I looked at her, and she was just as beautiful as I remembered. And she was mine.

But then everything went wrong.

She looked like Arabella. And sometimes had similarities to Arabella, such as a love for stories. But she was also so very different.

“Call me Bel.” She asked me one day, her eyes filled with frustration.

“But you ARE Arabella.” I felt desperate to explain.

She shook her head. “It doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to be called that. You mean something different than me when you use that name, and it makes me uncomfortable.”

What could I say. How could I explain? I bit my tongue and agreed.

It was so frustrating. Having my Arabella so close, yet so far away of me. She learned about our world quickly, and displayed an astonishing talent for fixing the lower realms in a variety of ways, but never once in the way that I wanted, the true and better way.

I tried to tell her about the higher story. About fate. The princess and the hero needed to fall in love. Our happiness, our love would stabilize all of the lower realms. Save the universe.

But Bel after listening to me, gave me a look. A look I knew all too well. It was the same look Arabella gave me in my original world.

A look of rejection.

I had become a higher being. Becoming the hero that would define all heroes. Much more than the silly hero my mother showed me in a worn-out story book. But still my princess refused me. She would leave me, just like my mother left my father for being a nobody. An extra. A background character.

I refused to let that happen.

I am the hero.

____________________________

I continued the story. She would be “kidnapped” by the dragon. I would rescue her, we would fall in love, and the dragon would be defeated. All would be right.

But she refused. She decided to die rather than be rescued. And then the System made her a deal.

I watched her disappear. I watched the foolish dragon make a bad deal to follow her. And as they faded from the realm, I panicked.

They had left me behind, the hero, the main character. I had to stop Bel from succeeding, from changing her fate to join the villains. She would accept her fate. She would be my heroine again.

The System, for the first time, fought me. I wanted my memories, control over some of the story, power. It argued that I would only push her further away. I refused to compromise.

Finally, the System agreed, but would only send me to a few worlds.

“She’s already visited twelve worlds.” It stated in a dispassionate voice.

I was in shock. “It’s only been a few minutes!”

“Time moves differently in the Void.”

“SEND ME!”

____________________________

A zombie world. I was the hero, Eric, already in a relationship with a cheerful girl named Hannah. She was a lovely heroine, but utterly helpless. As she stared up at me with love and respect in her gaze, I should have felt happy, content. She treated me as the hero I was, as the center of her universe.

I didn’t care.

She wasn’t Arabella… Bel. She was just a small little character of a broken lower realm. I didn’t need such a worthless being’s love.

I needed HER.

I turned my attention to Jason, Eric’s friend.  A pathetic secondary lead. I despised him, watching his struggles with disdain. Jason was a disgusting worm, following the heroine around like a lost puppy. Oblivious to the fact that she only loved the hero. He was a nobody, an extra.

He reminded me of my father.

I hid his role in Bel’s character’s death. Filled his head with thoughts of violence, planning on using him at just the right moment.

And when Bel showed up, I put myself forward as the perfect hero. Reasonable, friendly, respectful of boundaries. After all the time I spent fixing lower realms with her, I knew what she would like best. The only downside is that I had to play my role, to pretend to love Hannah. I felt the bonds of fate. Anytime I tried to break away from them, the System’s power would correct me. But I still tried my best, hoping that Bel would see beyond the characters we played, see the true me.

But instead, she paid me little to no attention. Only focusing on Hannah, or on the pathetic bastard of a villain who trailed behind her. He was as weak and useless as always, his character supposed to be the leader of a violent gang. Instead, he cooked meals and brewed tea, calling himself a support spouse.

I wanted to kill him.

But I couldn’t. I needed to be a perfect hero. Otherwise, my princess would never love me.

In the end, I failed. The dragon died, but Bel still didn’t look my way. She completed her mission and left the world without a goodbye.

Heartless as always.

____________________________

The System agreed to send me to a second world. A vampire realm. I played her brother Alexander. 

The realm was a disaster. I tried to be perfect, tried to be reasonable and helpful. But I had pushed too far from the character’s role. The System forcefully corrected me, treating me like a puppet over and over, acting like a foolish teenager in love rather than a confident immortal being. I watched in silent rage as the dragon married my princess with a smirk, calling me brother-in-law. I could do nothing but seethe, trapped in this cage of a character, unable to do anything but watched as she saved the realm again.

In the end, it felt so good to kill him. I watched the dragon die under my hands with a smile. And if Bel reacted poorly… well she just didn’t understand my point of view. She didn’t remember our destiny together. She didn’t remember that the dragon was a monster, a villain.

I just had to convince her.

____________________________

“YOU FAILED.” The system told me in the void. It had no emotions, no humanity, but even so I felt that there was a note of panic within its voice.

“You wouldn’t let me do anything!” I argued back. “Give me more freedom, and I promise I will convince her of our point of view.”

“WHAT IF SHE REFUSES?”

“Then I will make sure she fails her mission. Either way, we win, correct?”

“…” The System was silent for a few moments. “YOU HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE. SHE HAS NO MEMORY IN THIS REALM. SHE MUST FAIL. ”

I laughed. “She will.”

I did everything I could. Desperate, this time I resorted to all means: kidnapping, drugging her, lying to her. I betrayed the whole world to the alien race, trying to force her mission to fail.

But she still won. She still refused me, even when her mind and body were falling apart.

And with her power, she restarted our story in the higher realm. She chose the dragon again. She chose to reject fate. And at the end of it I realized her plan was never just to simply join the villain. She became the new System. She became a god.

____________________________

She looked at me, filled with a power I would never know. Standing next to the love of her life that wasn’t me. And I couldn’t help but wonder:

Had I really been so wrong?

“I have a much better ‘fate’ in store for you:” She told me. Smiling a smile I had never seen before. Different from any I had ever seen before A cruel smile. And I truly believed in the depths of my soul, that she was not, she never had been Arabella. The girl I thought I loved, died on the ground after I stabbed her in the heart. Not even her body was left behind as I destroyed the world behind me.

I am the hero.

“You will be banished to a lower realm. To live out your days as an insignificant side character.”

Her power lifted me off the ground, healing the wound in my side. I was helpless against it. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! I was the knight! The hero! I would defeat the dragon, save the princess. I would live happily ever after!

“NO! YOU CAN’T!!!”

I am the hero.

“By day, you will remember nothing… but every night, your memories of the higher realms will be returned to you, just enough so you can always live in regret for what you have done.”

“NO!” I struggled against her powers, but there was nothing I could do. I stared into her eyes. So familiar, but foreign. And filled with nothing but weary disdain. I knew that look, knew it all too well. It was the look sealed into my heart, in the depths of my worst nightmares.

It was the look my mother gave my father the night she left. That look couldn’t be for me. It was for nobodies. For extras. For people of no importance. Not for me. Never for me.

I am the hero.

“You must accept your fate, Adonis. Goodbye.”

____________________________

“Heading home, Adler?”

Craig, the middle-aged man in the cubicle next to mine, spoke up as I stood up at my desk.  His space was decorated with miscellaneous motivational signs and pictures of his smiling family. He hid a space heater under his desk, but everyone liked him too much to report it to the manager.

“Yeah, shouldn’t you be done for the day too?” I responded blandly, putting on my coat and walking away. I didn’t really want to get drawn in to a long conversation, which Craig was well known for. From a distance I saw a man and a woman talking, and felt a tightening in my chest. I didn’t want to talk to them, but I couldn’t resist saying hi to her.

“Hi Anne.” I joined the conversation between the two, ignoring the flicker of frustration that crossed her expression. Hopefully she’s just tired. “… Hi Brad.” I added after a long hesitation.

They both greeted me, and fell into an awkward silence. I knew they wanted me to leave, but a strange stubbornness kept my feet rooted in place. “Have you heard about that new movie about knights and dragons that’s coming out soon?”

Anne still seemed annoyed, but showed a brief look of interest at my question. “Oh yeah! I’ve been wanting to go see that one!”

Then would you like to go with me? I bit the words back before they could slip out. It would not go over well, especially with Brad, Anne’s boyfriend standing next to me. Instead, I said something I didn’t mean. “Maybe we could all go see it as a group?”

“Maybe.” Her response was noncommittal.

“…”

“…”

After the silence stretched on too long, I finally couldn’t take it anymore. “Well, have a good night.”

They both waved silently at me, and returned to their conversation with one another, never sparing another glance my way.

I walked away, feeling uncomfortable.

My apartment was empty. I had considered pets, but it would be too much extra cost to the monthly lease. I turned on the light, set down my coat, and looked around with a sigh. The room was pretty bare. I had a few sparse decorations, but couldn’t be bothered to do more. All I needed was a few pieces of furniture, and multiple shelves of books.  I made myself a quick microwave dinner, and since I had finished my latest book last night, went searching through the bookshelves for what I wanted to read next.

My hand paused over a well-worn book. It was a classic story, about knights and princesses and dragons. Basic, childish almost, but I always felt drawn to it. I picked it up once more, and settled down to read.

Passing a quiet evening, I got ready to sleep. I stared up at the ceiling above my bed, a strange emptiness within me.

I wonder what Anne is doing now?

A sigh escaped me. I knew she didn’t return my feelings. She didn’t even like me as a friend.

I’m just not the guy for her. And I need to be content with that.

After all, it's not like I'm the hero of a fairy tale.

With that last melancholy thought, I fell asleep, my hands still clutching the book of fairy tales.

…

…

…

And I remembered.

I remembered everything.

I was the higher-level being Adonis. Hero of the universe. Cast aside by Bel. Banished to a lower realm.

And now I was powerless.

Helpless.

Nothing.

THIS ISN’T RIGHT!!! THIS ISN’T ME!!! I AM SPECIAL. I AM MEANT FOR GREATNESS!

I AM THE HERO!

I woke up, shaking in terror and agony. My trembling hands clutched my sweat soaked face. And in the dull light of the sunrise streaming through the window into my bare and empty apartment…. I screamed.

I tried to hold onto my memories, but I could already feel them fading away. I would once again become Adler, the pencil pushing nobody who read fantasy books and nursed a silent crush on a woman at work who already had a boyfriend.

Until night came again. And I remembered once more.

This was my punishment.

This was my hell.

My only solace was that in this lower realm I was mortal. I would grow old. I would eventually die. And I would be free from this wretched existence.

My memories grew foggy, confused.

I thought of my mother, of my promise to her to be the hero of her story book. I thought of Arabella, of her bright smile that I fell in love with. I thought of Bel, our adventures, and her triumph over fate.

And I hated them all.

“NOOOOOO!” My anguished cry tore through the apartment, but there was no one around to hear it.

“I AM THE HERO!!! THEY ARE NOTHING!” I tried to scramble out of the bed, desperate to run away, to escape.

“I AM THE HERO!!!” I fell to my knees, my thoughts becoming vague.

“I AM… THE… HERO!” I desperately held onto the word. I knew it was important.

“I…. AM….”

I blinked, feeling confused.

“What was I saying?”  Wiping my forehead, I grimaced as it came away with a cold sweat. “Must have had a nightmare.”

I stood up, heading to the bathroom to shower. I had a long day of work ahead of me. I had several reports due soon, and maybe… just maybe… I could catch a glimpse of Anne when I passed by on my lunch break.

As I walked towards the shower, I caught sight of my face in the mirror, and came to a stop. As I stood there, staring into my own eyes, I felt the strangest urge to scream.

But it quickly passed and I went back to getting ready for my day.

“Hopefully tonight I sleep better.” I muttered to myself, looking away and closing the door behind me.

I didn’t want to be late to work.

[ceasarslegion]

I know i have a lot of teenagers who follow me because i dont baby talk to them regarding things like drugs and alcohol and sex. So i wanted to throw out some advice that still saves my ass every day as an adult that i learned to instill in myself as a teenager:

-Learn how to keep house. I know that every adult is beating job skills into you right now and its overwhelming to say to least, but no matter what you end up doing with your life, you will need to know how to cook and clean and budget and go grocery shopping and do laundry and the dishes and x y z. You will need to know how to work with cleaning products like bleach safely and without creating mustard gas by accident. If you figure that out now, you will be able to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Those are skills that you WILL need every day in the real world no matter what.

-i want to asterix the budgeting part. I know way too many grown adults who could be doing very well for themselves who are broke as shit and actively getting worse because they cant budget to save their lives. Managing your finances is what will often be the difference between living relatively comfortably and struggling to get by.

-dont get roommates if you can help it. I know you will want to, and it will seem like a fun idea to live with your friends and like nothing would go wrong, but roommates ruin friendships. If you can afford to live on your own when you first head out, do it. Trust me, paying the full rent is worth not having to deal with other peoples bullshit taking up your living space. I learned this the hard way, dont be like me. The only people you should be actively looking to live with at the young adult stage of your life are any permanent partner(s) that might come along the way, and you should rush that either. And taking some proper time to be on your own will do you so much good in the long run in realizing what kind of person you are and what you need in things like work, relationships, life in general, etc.

-you don't need a brand new car, and your first apartment doesnt need to be high end and fancy. All your firsts for those things need to be are functional, safe, and reliable. And you will love them regardless if theyre your first car/apartment. And you dont really NEED a car if youre an urbanite with a reliable enough transit system, either. Thats more of an individual thing if thats your situation. I live in an older apartment building with a stove from a brand that doesnt even exist anymore, but its real spacious for one person, in a nice part of downtown where everythings still right outside my door, and all my utilities are included. I pay 500 dollars less in rent a month for this than my coworker who lives 2 blocks away from me and has half the space i do with none of the utilities included because its all smart tech and luxury suites in that building. You don't need all that, you will not notice the difference when you actually live there.

-no one cares about high school tier drama when you hit your college years, especially if you go to an academically-based school. In my experience at least, the schools the nerds end up at think the d&d club is the coolest one on campus. This will pass, you will be fine. The nerds really do inherit the earth after you graduate, and all those bullies really do peak in high school. The guy who was the worst offender towards me in high school now literally pumps gas for his dads gas station because nobody else would hire him. Which is fine, its honest work, but it IS a tad ironic how things worked out there after so many years of telling me he'd be my boss one day. Yeah sure, howd that work out bud

-please dont get into drugs and alcohol just to be cool. I know every adult has treated you like some porcelain doll to be handled with baby gloves regarding any sort of substance, but if you choose to partake in them, all i ask is that you be informed about the risks, you do it safely, and dont do it for social clout. Its not the substances im most concerned about there, its that when you do them for social approval, you dont know when to stop or how to listen to your body telling you thats enough, which is a straight shot to a potential addiction. Its your choice whether or not to consume drugs and/or alcohol, but its irresponsible to act like theres no real risk involved in them, especially if you have the kind of personality more susceptible to addiction. Do them for yourself, in safe environments, as cleanly as you can get them if possible, and only after you educate yourself about what the risks are and what resources there are in your area for healthcare and counseling if you do develop an addiction.

-be selfish, but dont be a dick. Your young adulthood is when you should be selfish in the sense of prioritizing your own mental health, work ascension/schooling, etc, but you can do all those things without being standoffish or disregarding other people in the process. You should be there for your loved ones if you can, but if you cant, give them the common courtesy of telling them. A simple "hey, id love to help you if i could, but i have too much going on right now to spare anything. But im always here to talk about it if you need it, ily and im wishing you all the best <3" is way better than "i cant help you right now, i have my own problems to deal with."

[dandelionofthanatos]

One of the rude-as-fuck things that people (usually abled) will sometimes do when you’re disabled is expect you constantly to “just push your limits a little more????? just for me???????”

It annoys the fuck out of me, because it’s rude at worst and it’s naive at best. There’s an assumption - however unconscious - that everything must be mind over matter, that if I just push a little harder I can SURELY overcome whatever’s kicking my ass or slowing me down.

People did that to me OFTEN in the past (nobody does now, because I started saying no and people either left or they went “oh right, my bad” and stopped asking) and some of them got fucking ANGRY that I wouldn’t wreck my health/finances/brains for them.

I was “supposed to” because that meant I was truly loyal and giving and loving. If I really cared, I’d get sick or tired or broke for them! If I wasn’t willing to make that sacrifice, I didn’t love them.

There’s a limit to how much I can keep going past a particular point, and I do honestly try to - and I’m trying to break the habit of not talking about it until I hit that point. My friends NOW aren’t going to get upset if I say “hey, I need a water break/to sit down/some food”. Because my friends now aren’t ableist XD

Anyway. It always made me so fucking resentful when people did that. Like, when I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I was constantly thinking: “Hey, why is my health always supposed to be worth less than your fun? Why does OH I WANNA DO THIS ONE THING ON THE WAY OUT become six more things and take like two hours for you (and I’m supposed to just not ever have anything going of my own ever, because if I need to leave it’s BETRAYAL ABANDONMENT NEGLIGENCE)…but if I need five minutes to catch my breath it’s soooooooo rude and a waste and etc.? Why are you so hot to see me fuck myself up? Why do you want me to get sick FOR YOU specifically?”

No one does that any more. But people did. They did for a long time, and I put up with it way more than I should have! Because “you don’t want to be selfish, do you? it can’t really be that bad, can it?”

“You make it look so easy, Dandy. It can’t be THAT hard on you!”

“Your symptoms are so HARD for me to deal with! I don’t like having to comfort you when I already have to think about you getting sick all the time! It’s so hard!!!”

And so on.

And I’m still fucking twitchy about that shit now, years later! and I hate it XD