#nobody ACTUALLY cares about themselves
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oh camus.......its getting hard for me to keep pushing this fucking boulder..............
#sorry albert#im trying#im ttying to get it#the struggle for the heights itself is enough to fill a mans heart. i know. i know that camus i know#but it fucking hurts it always hurts why does it hurt why did i not realise it hurt??? its hurt for so long and i didnt fucking realise#why did i let it hurt#why dont i just out the fuckign boulder down#no i did put the boulder down#but then it just became something the people i loved had to push. fuck#thats the reason we work on ourselves.#nobody ACTUALLY cares about themselves#they care about other people#and the only way to care for other people is to care about yourself enough to be there for them#fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#whatever#ok. ok whatrver
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perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:
does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies
#when i tell you every single resource i’ve ever found or tried to get through or anyone i’ve ever asked#has been just so. mean about it#not even intentionally#not always at least#but there’s so much inherent shame tied to being late to things or being a person who used to be late to things#that i don’t think people can untie that from their ‘helpful tips’#it’s all ‘i used to also be a lazy uncaring piece of shit! you don’t have to be a horrible wretched loser anymore!’ and it’s like. okay.#you see how that’s not helping. right.#making me feel worse about it is NEVER helpful. i promise you i already have tortured myself over it FARRR more than any ‘on time’ person#ever had#this has been a comic i’ve been stewing on for ages as well but. well there’s of course the shame#idk it’s something that people are always despicably mean about bc fundamentally people who have never struggled with it#see it as a personal choice to be late#and as something one needs to just ‘try harder’ to fix. and that if you don’t#you inherently don’t care about other people’s time or even other people in general#and that feels horrible! it feels really bad!!#i mean i’ve got it from EVERYONE. disability allies. other adhd folks. disability resource offices#it’s something that nobody ever cares to acknowledge or try to accommodate for#bc time blindness and exec dysfunction are NEVER taken seriously as disabilities. they’re always always viewed as a personal failing#and i’m sick and tired of it. bc all this does is make people struggling with this Hate themselves#and worry endlessly that maybe they Are selfish and actually Don’t care about anyone else#there’s a bit too much here to keep in the tags i should really do the comic for adhd awareness month
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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I love the way that, in addition to his origin story with his over-sized sword and the scar on his nose, the flashbacks to Guts's childhood show how much of his insane work ethic and reckless self-endangering abandonment in battle were all kinda ingrained into him by his craving for attention and approval from shitty father figure, Gambino.
Random nice mercenary guy: "Don't overexert yourself, kid. Just do what's needed. 'Cause if you die, you lose everything."
Gambino: "It's your first battle. Work hard!"
Guts: [throws himself into battle so hard he nearly dies multiple times, fixating on pleasing Gambino the entire time]
Gambino: "C'mon, hurry up! Work! Work!"
Guts: [gives Gambino his entire earnings, Gambino tosses him back a single coin]
Guts: [more motivated by this one mild bit of encouragement than anything he's ever experienced before in his life]
#it's difficult to post berserk meta because i feel like the manga is often so well-written and well put together#that every panel is important and it's hard to leave anything out - and i'll end up just reposting the entire chapter instead#like this is leaving out all the stuff before that leading up to this moment#where gambino is either neglectful or cruel to guts almost all the time - giving him the scar on his nose in a rage#yet also now and then tossing him a bone like giving him medicine for his wounds - and as minimal as that 'kindness' is#it's the only caring attention guts actually ever receives and he's so starved for it that it keeps him striving to earn more :(#and how the other members of the band don't like how gambino treats guts yet also do not step up to raise him themselves either#and whisper together about their resentment of him at night when he's left alone to fend for himself#AND then i am also leaving out the bits after that where gambino immediately goes and does the worst thing possible to guts too...#renting him to donavan... yet another awful formative experience for the kid#just constantly reinforcing to guts that he's got nobody but himself and his sword for his sense of protection and value and purpose#but showing that those tiny scraps of kindness and praise were basically keeping him alive and what he really wanted underneath too#it's just extremely well-done and so good at showing exactly why guts is the way that he is later on#and why when griffith started paying attention to him and valuing him as a person#in addition to putting him to work in the ways he was most familiar and comfortable with - it was basically like crack for him as well#berserk#berserk spoilers#p
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nobody cares about anyone anymore
#like genuinely it is insane and baffling to me#but NOBODY cares about anyone but themselves ...#like it is actually .. scary af#but ppl dont care abt eo. abt their friends. abt their family. abt their partners#abt victims or vulnerable groups in society or ppl who are abused and exploited#not abt nature or animals. ppl truly dont give a fuck abt ANYONE but themselves#the only thing like 99% of humans in the world today cares about is money and their own pleasure on cost of others#the ONLY way anyone today sees is to cause harm and not care who it hits#like its genuinely insane to me... everyone are like that and it's so scary for someone like me skksksksks#it is also so fucking lonely .. because i can literally not relate to anyone i meet irl or online. ppl are awful omg..
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eating this moment for breakfast lunch and dinner btw
#bsd reread#small(?) rant incoming that i'm hiding in the tags out of fear#this page is why i can never understand the 'd.azai doesn't actually care about saving s.igma he's just lying to use him' interpretation#bc if that's the case these panels make literally no sense 😭 it would be in his best interest to not act withdrawn here#+ on that topic idk why it's impossible for him to want to save s.igma and make use of his ability simultaneously#especially since this is the same guy who saved a.tsushi in order to form the new s.kk. and nobody sees that as malicious at all#i think ppl just hate s.igma and twist themselves into pretzels trying to villainize the way d.azai treats him#even if it's the same way that they previously excused or justified him treating other characters. sigh#anyway it's a shame that discourse swamped this arc i rlly love it. it tells so much abt d.azai in a way not well seen outside the novels#i always read this part as one of his 'i can't accept that i'm a person capable of doing good' moments#he's just a little creature.... shutting down when confronted with his own kindness......
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Sometimes I wish I had more people interested in my creations, but then I get hit by thoughts like “Imagine the outrage you’d be faced with if your Avatar Suiren AU was more popular. This is the fandom that still cannot ‘forgive’ Korra for SOMETHING THAT WAS DONE TO HER, calling her the worst Avatar for losing the connection to her past lives (which came about because she HAD RAAVA LITERALLY RIPPED OUR OF HER) and acting like that is somehow a worse offence than, say, inaction leading to genocide. The hate you’d get for intentionally making Suiren the last Avatar would be IMMEASURABLE” and go “… actually, I’m glad that for the most part it’s just @katkastrofa and I–”
(Though then again… would it even be an AU by yours truly if it didn’t contain at least one cancellable offence? 😁)
#don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong#also Suiren is even less like Aang than Korra is. she wouldn’t stand a chance in this fandom#everyone knows most people in this fandom can’t handle angry brown girls#and Suiren is honestly on a whole different level#so yeah#I’m glad it’s not a well known thing#but her biggest offence would of course be letting go of Raava#and thus also losing the connection to her past lives and ending the Avatar cycle#her next incarnation will not be the Avatar. they’ll be just a normal EK kid#and that is the biggest crime an Avatar could ever commit#deciding to spare future generations of the burden#the Avatar should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one person#and every Avatar we know of was stuck in an endless cycle of fixing their predecessors’ mistakes#nobody deserves that. especially not a child. and the Avatars ARE discovered as children for the most part#even at 16 like Roku Kyoshi and Kuruk is still way too young for having the fate of the world on your shoulders#I’d argue any age is too young#the world can’t depend on one person to solve their problems#the avatar is ultimately human. they make mistakes. they’re biased. they can be corrupted#and not a single generation goes by without at least one world-scale threat. nothing any avatar does is every enough. it’s a thankless job#no era of peace has ever lasted long. that has to be something worked for by the world at large#ending the cycle is the correct move because then the world will not be looking to the Avatar for every issue#and will actually start sorting shit out themselves. that’s my (very correct) view of it. at least#but again. this fandom will not be able to handle that. because they care about a bunch of long dead ghosts more than living characters#I’m sorry but sparing at least one kid of the trauma that comes with being the Avatar makes losing the past lives connection worth it#to me at least. and it’s not like breaking the connection erases them from ever existing like Greater Lord Rukkhadevata. they’re remembered#just can’t be accessed anymore. and that’s okay. they deserve to rest#(forgive me for the Genshin Impact reference it was the only thing I could think of. it was a brief phase I don’t play it anymore)#anyway. idk where this rant/meta just came from. I apparently have A Lot of thoughts about this AU that aren’t limited to Kuviren smut lmao#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness
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I still very loathe the Media Trope of ‘’cold genius man doesn’t feel emotions and never has relationships... UNTIL.. one random relatively bland Preddy Woman comes along and warps his entire personality and ability to think, his heart has grown and his seeming asexuality has evaporated, he is now Normal :)” or whatever like... AS a walking generic hermit archetype myself.. we would NOT act like that .... just let people be detached weirdos in peace, you cowards .. OR, don’t bother to write one in the first place if you find us too boring to exist realistically in our natural state lol.. pathetic
#the only exception to this is its okay if he develops some pesudo-romantic psychologial fixation on one of his long suffering male sidekicks#or assistants or whatever (since this character acrhetype ALWAYS has some sort of like Straight Man Every Man helper to follow#him around and be an audience stand in. sometimes multiple like a whole team of assistants. sometimes just one etc.)#like a strange not-entirely-romance-but-mutualy-unhealthy-comedic-codependence w someone you worked w 25+ yrs COULD be in character. sure.#ASIDE from that one exception though..... just keep them aromantic and asexual.. why would someone who has been that way for their#entire fucking life suddenly be like ''well I've known this woman three weeks but she's really hot! whoops!''#''guess I'm going to act completely out of character! sometimes booba so booby it fundametally alters the dna of me personality. you know ho#w it is'' .. like shut up.. explode#It's not that I project personally onto these characters (writers are bad at writing them and they're generally annoying as shit) BUT just#like... coming FROM the perspective OF a cold detached ''robot'' seeming hermit freak.. like textbook scholar wizard man locked#away in a tower somewhere type personality... You just watch shows sometimes and you can SEE that the writers are trying to write#the Character Archetype that is your actual realworld personality and you're just like 'we do NOT fucking act like that!!!' lol#you know ? like .. i don't actually care about the characters themselves but more just.. the principle of the thing. staying true to what#has been set up. You can't be like ''oh yeah this is your typical cold detached hermit weirdo with zero interest in human relationships for#the most part blah blah blah'' and then 5 minutes later be like ''WAIT GUYS!! LOOK! they're still NORMAL! look they love booba#too!!! haha hashtag Relatable!!'' .. what have you done to him.. you've massacred the archtype.. cowardly fool#Also I'm referencing them as male because this character archtetype is usually male but the same thing can apply for other gendered versions#of the archetype. it's ALWAYS annoying. no matter what it is lol. GOD AND IT'S even worse when they're supposed to be like hundreds or thous#ands of years old like.. some sort of supernatural being who's ''above it all'' because they've seen the world's cycles for so long#and blah blah and then it's like ''omg.. suddenly into romance.. for some reason all 900 years of my life nobody has ever been good#enough but YOU.. random ass person who I met 30 minutes ago and are completely average in every way or maybe you have like one#special power or are smart or something but apparently somehow I've lived 900 years without ever meeting a single other smart person#or whatever but WOW.. you... instant soulamtes.. I am no longer aromantic and asexual. I am also no longer smart.''#at least if it's a human with a normal lifespan you can be like 'well they were only 30. maybe they genuinely did just have their first#sexul awakening' or something but.. you're telling me like.. 900 years??? 1000 years?? and NOW they're like 'whooa!!' lol#Which obviously all aroace people are different.. all people with autism or schizoid pd or any other mental illnesses that can sometimes#lend people towards that type of 'weird hermit' archetype are all different. plenty of these people WILL have relationships and sex and desi#re those things. but it's like.. if you are OBVIOUSLY setting out to write that one VERY specific archetype within the broader archetype#then GO ALL THE WAY!! you cant have someone be like HALF-detached partial-hemrit sometimes-maybe-genuis or whatever#or I guess you can but like. it should be that way from the beginning. it's the random sudden shift in personality thats jarring
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Well to solve your last issue, 67 words this time? 😉
He directs a wry look her way but agrees to leave her in the company of the two men who were now circling the car with exaggerated appreciation.
Carrie waves Luke and Willie back to allow Henry room to leave. “It’s like you’ve never seen a town car before. Do you not use drivers?”
“Hm? No. We drive ourselves,” Luke explains, gesturing toward a nearby car. Carrie didn’t even know cars this old could still be on the road, if she was being entirely honest.
send a number and i'll add that many words to a wip
#honestly carrie doesn't appreciate classic cars enough#and it's very hard to not fall down a rabbit hole of building exactly the car that willie and luke drive/making sure it exists#for those who care it's currently a '64 ford fairlane 2 door with bucket seats and is probably baby blue but i'm not 100% decided on that#but CARRIE DOESN'T CARE so i can't actually write about it#and no they did not build it themselves#they used rockstar money#but they're all still them and weren't willing to splurge on true collectables that they'd never be able to justify putting on the road#they have this and alex's mom van#because that man absolutely appreciates a good sliding door#especially with a kid#i haven't decided how reggie commutes yet cuz i don't think he can bus but i also don't think he'd drive#maybe they're close enough he can walk#idk#enjoy my rambles#ANYWAY#THANK YOU!#answered ask#ask game#wip ask game#nobody writes
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please remember that it is a compliment to be disliked by people. most people don’t even like themselves. think about why you even want to be liked by somebody. why do YOU like YOURSELF?? why give a fuck about whether or not somebody with so much work to do on themselves doesn’t like you? they literally do not even like themselves. they can’t genuinely “like” you.
#mine#so tired of people who literally only know to people please#‘people pleaser’ is such a joke of a phrase bc they’re literally the most disappointing people i know#they don’t respect themselves#they live in such a way that is so repulsive to me it literally gives me euphoria to know they dislike me#call me names lie about me tell me you never wanna see me again#it’s literally bliss#like what do they expect?#for me to cry on the floor and beg them to love me?? i am not a fucking codependent like everyone else you know#i’m not gonna fucking fawn over you after you mistreat me#and of course no one else will defend me bc they’re all cowards too#afraid to not be on the narcissist’s team#bc the only other team has literally one player and that’s the scapegoat / truth teller#literally who tf wants to go against the narc?? nobody!! that’s why they think i’m stupid#it’s a blessing to be hated by cowards#it’s a sign you’re doing at least one thing right#acoa#family systems#codependency#narcissitic abuse#sick & tired of people living in these beat-around-the-bush type relationships where they are never direct and they are never happy#they don’t actually CARE about each other#they just want to be comfortable!!!#well it’s not COMFORTABLE to grow#‘you’re not the same person you used to be’ yeah well you’re EXACTLY THE SAME!!!#i love when people think that’s an insult#go ahead and tell on yourself#you have never changed or grown or confronted the ways that you treat people#i’m over it#it’s such a joke when these people try to talk to you
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I hate everything
#➳ valentin vents#my physical health is shit#my mental health is shit#kinda craving a bleach martini#tw sui mention#tw sui ideation#tw sui joke#i just . feel . so . shitty#worthless unloved un-respected (disrespected ?) tired burnt out etc#i feel like nobody sees me as an equal#i feel like the only reason i matter to others is because i make them feel nice about themselves#but does anyone actually care about me ? if an option for a replacement came after idk . i died or some shit . would anyone mourn ?#i don't feel like most would . lol
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I know that film analysis on YouTube has always been pretty bad, but I'm irked that one of the big trends for obnoxious hack YouTubers right now is to find a bad movie and then show a bunch of clips while doing the worst and most shallow observational comedy. There are a few YouTubers who do a lot of interesting or funny reviews of poorly made movies, but you can tell with them that they actually care about the art of film making. They pay attention to the plot and don't misrepresent how bad the movie is because they paid enough attention to have something clever to say. I love movie reviews and I enjoy videos that exist to make a bunch of observational jokes about movies. Which is why I'm upset that a million of the unfunniest and least creative people in the world are jumping on the bandwagon and clogging my recommendations. There's no passion in it. You can feel the cynicism oozing from this kind of video within seconds of it starting. I hate it.
#i fucking hate ****** ******#his videos about his actual hobbies are interesting but everything else is just so embarrassing and unfunny#because he has absolutely nothing of value or substance to say#it's passionless and cowardly work#and yet a myriad of other equally annoying youtubers use the same formula and clog my fucking recommended because i like to watch videos#about movies#i hope this trend dies so that i don't need to sift until i find somebody who actually cares#oh also most of these youtubers only talk about feminism for brownie points if they actually cared they would talk more about less overt#misogyny. but they don't really care about the social issues their platforms are built on#they care about creating a narrative where they and their viewers can unquestionably be the good guys and pat themselves on the back for no#being proudly and overtly bigoted#but then these youtubers will still be misogynistic and classist and racist but nobody gives a fuck because so much of their brand is in a#clean image#it's literally all about high horses and it's fucking annoying#''if i make fun of misogynists enough people won't question what i say about women''#anyways i fucking hate this type of youtuber because they have their grubby hands in a lot of the types of videos i enjoy
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🧠 -> 🗑
#toss it into the trash#aside from like one member of my family nobody really knows me#i haven't had any irl friends since highschool and even then i had maybe 2 and didn't really open up to them#because i thought i was too weird and they liked to talk about themselves more anyway#all this to say i'm lonely basically#sometimes i'd like to be known but you know the actual letting anyone know me part is terrifying#cause why should they care? i'm not particularly interesting
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Incredibly funny how """"lgbt infighting"""" has gotten to a point where you can just say "exclusionist" and "micro-label" and people will rush to agree with you without even a first thought. And by funny I mean I Want To Stab.
#i rlly need to stop scrolling through randoms blogs but#'bi lesbian exclusionist' from what. excluding from what. literally who is saying they arent lgbt#we dont hate them bc theyre ''''taking resources'''' literally nobody has said that in the first place. we hate them bc the#current usage of the term was coined by terfs like 2 years ago and hasnt gotten better since#its not a 'micro-label' its shorthand for lumping trans women with men or for saying you dont believe women cant be attracted to men#or for saying 'bi means two' etc etc. theyre All like this because its literally the foundation on which the term is used#(and then theyll insist those views are actually genderweird themselves despite being the most gender normative things you could say...)#like its not even hard. to see this. because you see this with Every Single One Of Them. you can literally just look#but theyve learned the language and using the correct words is all people care about#💭
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W/ all the reactionary talk regarding trans peoples bodies and shit i would love to see repubs and tεrves reactions to all the fascinating body modifications that exist for aesthetic and fetish purposes
#Ns*fw i guess#I briefly hyperfixated on body mods some years back and the absolutely insane shit people can and will do to their body is awesome actually#Like this ranges from getting subdermal saline injections like bagelheads to splitting your junk down the middle. Who cares its your body#Ive seen several people that EXTENSIVELY altered their body for purely aesthetic purposes and years down the line never regretted it#Bc it made them feel at home with themselves or was just a very personal choice. I see literally nobody screaming about mutilation wrt this#I know the answer as to why but its ironic you never see anyone crying about someone mutilating their body bc they split their tongue#Or people who get scarification... or people who get genital piercings... or hell even people who just get tattoos#Hell even entirely medical procedures such as using your toe to replace your thumb is by technicality ''mutilation'' in these ppls eyes#''ITLL NEVER BE A REAL THUMB!!!'' No shit sherlock but it works for me. Better than not having a thumb at all lmao#Idk i dont understand how people can attack bodily autonomy and then act surprised when repubs want to strip ALL bodily autonomy#You do not have to agree to a lifestyle but you absolutely have no business dictating what one does or does not do to their bodies#Bc at the end of the day they're living in it. You are not. End of story#And statistics prove that the vast majority of people in some form modify their body; i.e. tattoos piercings & minor corrective surgeries#Can you imagine screaming at someone for getting their tonsils removed bc theyre 'perfectly healthy organs' bc they dont want tonsil stones#Bc thats what these people are saying about elective hysterectomy/vasectomy/internal birth control/gender procedures#SORRY THAT IS A LOT. I just have a lot to say about this as someone who is deeply invested in bodily rights#emf
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the probably most defining thing that shrike 1 did that made shrike 2 the thing that it was when that character started getting made was the fight where shrike 1 - a person who does not have or fight with a mech, and instead largely uses his own body & a few short range tools like knives - jumped up onto one of the mechs the group was facing off against and started breaking the mech apart with his hands and claws to get to and kill the person inside of it. very central moment for thanatos (shrike 2), the giantkiller
#i use the shrike 1/2 shorthand and not much else to talk about these characters & nobody outside of nc & lulav would have any idea#who either of them are. ummm#shrike 1 is shrike & the ground bled (his real name) - a former soldier who was part of a weird supersoldier program & who#works as a mercenary/assassin after being discharged 4 an injury. no real moral stances beyond#violence is the solution to most problems/flesh is inferior to metal/my allegiance is always for sale#& hes frommm a. 2018-19 technoir game#shrike 2 is from a 21-22ish beam saber game#its technical professional callsign is thanatos#but is called informally both shrike and butcher for its. well. tendency to tear both mechs and people apart#its a giantkiller & is very actually opposed to both mechs and war & sees violence and aggression as largely just a necessary tool#but before it cares about that moral it cares about loyalty. & the people its loyal to are#its superior officer & former team who are very involved in the war.#neither of them really think about themselves as people#but shrike 1 considers himself like. an intelligent machine more than anything else#& like. a wolf.#shrike 2 very firmly believes itself to be a tool & an attack dog. the purpose is to be subservient & be wielded#theyre fun theyre more different iterations on similar concepts than a linear improvement or w/e i just use 1/2 bc of chronologh#personal
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