#no literally I lived for like 5 years where every time someone said guess what my head was like PLEASE BE AN OBIWAN MOVIE

[amethystina]

Fanfic Tag Thingie

I am choosing to be tagged by @miss-ingno because this sounded like fun and I need an escape from the realisation that I am literally on the edge of burnout and my life is a mess. So here we go! :D

How many works do you have on AO3?

76

What's your total AO3 word count?

2 237 636

... and I have around 200k more just sitting in my WIP folders. I can't write short things x'D

What fandoms do you write for?

Right now it's mainly various Kdramas (The Devil Judge, Black Knight, plus my bold venture into Strangers From Hell) but, before that, it was mostly The Losers, Marvel, Pacific Rim, and Teen Wolf. With the occasional detour here and there.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Who Holds the Devil (The Devil Judge, Gahan) at 3 390

Tech Support (MCU, Winteriron) at 3 217

Autonomy (MCU, Winteriron) at 3 137

I Won't Hold My Breath (MCU, Winteriron) at 2 914

Conflict of Interest (MCU, Winteriron) at 2 173

It's honestly a little wild to me that Who Holds the Devil has somehow managed to race to the top despite the other fics being at least four years older (sometimes more). And for a much bigger fandom, at that. You guys are not fucking around.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do! Every single one if I can, though it can sometimes take a while before I get to all of them. And I just can't help it, I guess? Partly because I want to show that I've read the comment and appreciate the time and effort that went into writing it, but also because it often gives me an opportunity to talk about my writing and the choices I made in the fic.

And, apparently, the fact that I reply to all comments has become a bit of a thing at least when it comes to Who Holds the Devil, where readers will search through my replies looking for tidbits and extra information about the fic, characters etc.

(you guys are so weird and so dedicated and I love all of you xD)

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Grief (The Losers (Comics)). Because it is, predictably, about grief and how to keep living after someone you love has died. Though I would argue that the ending has a hint of hopefulness to it since it's also about moving on from said grief?

But yeah. Definitely that one since it's Major Character Death that I choose not to fix.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Literally every single fic except for the one above xD I LOVE my happy endings, okay? And it's kind of difficult to rank them since it depends a lot on the setting, characters, and the personal preference of the reader.

Heck, I even managed to give my Strangers From Hell fanfic a sugary sweet happy ending! That's dedication right there!

Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah, from time to time. I've gotten everything from childish insults calling me a bad writer to backhanded comments questioning my choices, writing style, grammar, spelling, dedication, intelligence, etc. I've even received more targeted, personal hate where people I thought I could trust were making fun of me behind my back in private chat rooms.

Most recently, though, it's less hate and more the "I simply must tell you that you're not writing this fic as I want you to write it" type of deal. Often paired with "It's my personal opinion and I have every right to express it." Which, fair enough. But that means I get to do the same, which I've noticed is something those kinds of commenters kind of hate. Especially when I point out that they've now made me a lot less keen to write the fanfic they're supposedly so fond of.

Turns out people don't like being reminded that their actions have consequences.

All in all, though, I've learned to just delete the comments I find too offensive or hateful.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Oh god no. Sex scenes are the bane of my existence and I spend the entire time writing them looking like this: ლ(ಥ益ಥლ)

I've been told I'm not bad at writing them (the ones in Until Death Do Us Unite were quite appreciated) but anything involving sex or sexual tension is just a nightmare for me. Even more so when it's supposed to be kinky or extra spicy.

So why is one of the main ships I write for right now clearly a Dom/sub ship, you ask?

Because I'm an idiot. That's why.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you've written?

I rarely do. The only crossover I've written is Resurrection where Derek Hale ends up in Purgatory together with Dean Winchester and they fight their way back to the world of the living (so Derek replaces Benny, basically).

I also have this one random fic (yet unposted) where Tony Stark and Eddie Brock are a couple (from the MCU and Venom movies, that is). But they're technically both in the Marvel universe so I'm not sure if that counts?

Long story short, crossovers aren't really my thing. I rarely write or read them.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, no.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! Several, in fact, from various fandoms. Mostly into Russian, Spanish, or Mandarin. And I am honestly so flattered every time someone asks me if they can translate one of my fics 💜

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not, no. I made plans to write a fic with a friend once, but we never got to the point of actually writing it. And, in all honesty, I think that might be just as well. I'm a perfectionist and writing a fic with me would probably be very exhausting for the other party xD

What's your all-time favourite ship?

I really don't know. Like, I'm tempted to say Jensen and Cougar from The Losers, or maybe Destiel or Stony, but I think that's partly founded in comfort and nostalgia. My ships change as I do and I really can't pinpoint an all-time favourite.

But CURRENT favourite? Definitely Kang Yo Han and Kim Ga On because they present such a wonderful challenge to someone like me, who loves to go real deep into character motivations, behaviour etc. They're a delight.

What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I'm not sure. I plan to finish all the ones I've started posting but there might be some in my folders that I'll decide to abandon if I truly can't revive my interest in them. But, usually, I can.

And, speaking of that, to all my MCU peeps (if there are any of you still out there): I know you've waited six years for the Tech Support sequel but it's finally been written and just needs to be edited. It's coming, my darlings. I promise.

Basically, when I say I'll do something, I will do it — even if it takes me six goddamn years, apparently x'D

What are your writing strengths?

Characters, tone, and emotions. I'm good at capturing the essence of the characters and write them in a way that feels believable and close to canon. I'm also really good at making people feel things with my writing, I've been told. According to testimonials, my readers can often see what's happening play out inside their heads like a movie, and feel the characters' emotions as they're living through them.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Aside from the aforementioned sex scenes? I think it's my inability to keep things short. I use a lot of unnecessary words and could definitely get better at being more concise. In a similar vein, I sometimes focus so much on the details with lengthy, wordy descriptions that I accidentally forget about the big picture, which is understandably confusing to my readers.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've done it from time to time (since my man Cougar speaks Spanish) but I'm pretty careful with it. And if it's longer sentences I always make sure to double-check with a native speaker.

First fandom you wrote for?

Teen Wolf! Which, admittedly, was because I didn't care if I fucked it up x'D I enjoyed the first two seasons of Teen Wolf, make no mistake! But I chose it mainly because it wasn't the ship I was the most emotionally invested in and so I figured it wouldn't feel as bad if it turned out that I sucked. Luckily enough for me, I didn't xD

Favourite fic you've written?

Just like with the all-time favourite ship, I'm not sure if I can answer this one. Because I like all of my fics but in different ways.

I'll always have a fondness for that first huge Teen Wolf series I wrote, for example, and had a lot of fun with Autonomy because of the world-building. Same goes with Hyperborean. But Who Holds the Devil is definitely my favourite when it comes to character work. While Allies is my favourite when it comes to tone, since it ended up just the way I wanted it to. And Until Death Do Us Unite was an absolute BLAST because I got to write horror and some really weirdass shit, which I've never done before.

So, truly, I can't say. Each one I've written has something I cherish and while some definitely stand out more than others, I wouldn't be able to just pick one.

___

And that's that! I tag whoever wants to do it! :D

[pico-digital-studios]

Into, Across and Beyond! Scripting: Paying Taxes

(Based on this)

Sometime following Tails of Trials, OMT!Tails and OMT!Mina were just spending some time in the former's home, when Mr. Needlemouse came a-knocking.

Mr. Needlemouse: Tails!

OMT!Mina: Wha-?!

Mr. NM: My taxes are due today, and I have no idea how to do them!

OMT!Mina: Erm, okay?

Mr. NM: You gotta help me!

OMT!Tails: How do you know I'm not busy with my own?

Mr. NM: Cuz I know in da back of my thumb ya didn't do 'em last minute!

OMT!Tails: I mean, I had to wait 'til January 22nd before this year's 1099 forms all came in, but...

Mr. NM: Please, bub! Ya gotta help me! I'd be on my knees if MCStudio had the drawing skills for it!!!

OMT!Mina: *sigh* Alright.

OMT!Tails: I'm sure with my brains we can get this sorted out in no time!

They headed inside.

Mr. NM: (So boooring...)

He followed them in.

OMT!Tails: Okay, so, first order of business. How much did you make last year?

Mr. NM: Wait, I was supposed to be countin'?

OMT!Mina: Didn't you get a W2 from your employer?

Mr. NM: Employer...?

OMT!Mina: Well, what do you even do for a job?

Mr. NM: ... Does robbing Melody Hill Zone and framing Beeman for it 24/7 count as a job?

OMT!Tails: Like, stealing money slash rings regularly?

Mr. NM: Yep!

OMT!Mina: Who even makes it that easy to rob?

Mr. NM: Easy! I have a professional conman disguised as a lawyer freeing my bum every time!

OMT!Mina: Well, I doubt we'll be getting a 1099 from said lawyer.

OMT!Tails: It's okay, though! We can still fill out the 1040 using your own accounting.

Mr. NM: So I was supposed to be countin'!

OMT!Tails: You haven't been keeping track? NM...

Mr. NM: Okay, okay relax! I got 540 something in Emerald Hill... stole 250 from the local retirement home... stole 25 thousand worth of gold in Calteron... and stole some of Aureya's tech and sold 'em for 20 bucks!

OMT!Mina: I seriously doubt the IRS is gonna tolerate that.

Mr. NM: It was in three different dimensions! Whatever crimes I'm accountable for there, I'm not accountable for here!

OMT!Tails: Anyway! Let's talk business expenses. Do you even have those?

Mr. NM: Well... I did sell Beeman to the Dark Webz and passed him off as a rare species of bee. Does that count?

OMT!Mina: The dark web?!

OMT!Tails: Why did you go selling stuff on there?! And that's not even an expense!

Mr. NM: Well, where else can you sell someone? The other markets deemed it "illegal" for ridiculous reasons!

OMT!Tails: You can't put illegal purchases and selling on your federal tax return!

Mr. NM: Why not?

OMT!Mina: For Gaia's sake...

A few minutes later, everything was sorted out and the signature was put on the sheet.

Mr. NM: Phew! That took forever...

OMT!Tails: You're welcome.

Mr. NM: Now all I gotta do is put it in the mail, yeah?

OMT!Tails: Those were the federal taxes. The dimension taxes should take no more than 5 minutes to-.

Mr. NM: Actually, I think I'm good!

He started walking to the door.

OMT!Tails and OMT!Mina: Huh?!

Mr. NM: I've decided I'm not paying taxes!

OMT!Mina: Needle, you have to pay your taxes!

Mr. NM: Why? It's not like they do anything.

OMT!Tails: Star Light was literally built with the funding from taxpayer rings and coins.

Mr. NM: Yup. And they used the money to build loop-de-loops and floating platforms. Which, granted, cool as hell for me, but hell for the chumps that wasted their sweet time paying for 'em!

He prepared to leave through the front door.

OMT!Mina: I mean, he got a point there.

OMT!Tails: Still, if you don't pay your taxes, the IRS will come after you, Needlemouse!

Mr. NM: And I'm a living cartoon character! They can't catch me!

Cut to him now thrown in prison for planned tax evasion.

(AoSTH Robotnik sprite by Soap Surfin' and XtremeXavier)

Mr. NM: Oh, damn... Guess they caught me. (looking to his right) So what you in for?

AoSTH Robotnik: I placed a bunch of golden rrrrrrrrings on the ground, and they told me to send the proper 1099 forms to people who picked them up. I didn't just to be diabolical, and, well... I've been serving my time here since before Across All Worlds.

Mr. NM: Call me Judge Doom, cuz you're getting the Dip!

AoSTH Robotnik: No, stop!

Mere seconds later, he was pulled from his jail cell after serving his time there.

IRS Member: Alright, you're free to return to your dimension.

AoSTH Robotnik: Anything to get away from that hedgehog, er... rabbit, erm... whatever that thing is! He's worse than Sonic, and that says a lot!

Dr. Beeman: You think that's bad? Try living in his world mindin' yer own business!

IRS Member: Well, the rabbit-hog's gonna be staying there for at least the next six months for planned tax evasion.

Mr. NM: Aw, really? I can get my lawyer to bust me outta-.

IRS Member: And you have charges of selling a half-human on the dark web, robbery, framing for said robbery, evading court through your properties, using a conman to get yourself out of jail, vandalism, disorderly conduct, parking illegally, amongst too many other offences to list here. And if you don't pay the legal fees out of the money you stole, which will all go back to the places you stole them from, you'll be here for at least 70 more years.

Mr. NM: Oh, COME ON!!!!! >:(

(Confirmation from @mcgamejolter himself: Mr. Needlemouse preferred the 70 extra years in jail over being a decent person, but of course, they made him send back the stolen goods whether he wanted to or not. Him trying to evade his taxes was just the last straw that got him tossed behind bars.)

[dark-fanfiction]

Dark at Times

Zade Meadows + Reader

Trigger Warnings - mentions of unaliving, depression, alcohol consumption, stalking, self harm

Summary - Let’s get to know who Zade is going to be stalking. You’re an incredibly broken soul who’s lost a lot of the life you knew and have been thrown into complete turmoil.

You’ve never lived alone. You never considered the possibility that you would be living alone. When you met your now ex boyfriend, you believed you were at your worst. 8 years ago, you was in a battle with your eating disorder, undiagnosed and felt hated by everyone. Then he came along, he helped you, gave you purpose when you felt you had none. You soon moved in together, formed a relationship with his family, which felt completely alien and a little scary since your family was so dysfunctional and abusive.

He showed you a way of living that grounded you. After moving in together, things got bad. Your drinking escalated and you’d find yourself self harming again. Something you hadn’t done since you were 14 years old. I guess a lot can change in 4 years. At 18, to be living with someone you believed to be your soulmate and be thrown head first into a whole new family put immense pressure on you that sent you barrelling over the edge.

8 years you devoted to that man. 8 years you bettered yourself for someone who dropped like a rock in a lake, the second he got a promotion and flew across the world to a new job without even telling you. You came home from your bar shift and found all his stuff gone, and naturally you panicked. Ringing him off the hook, checking with all his friends and family, who all aired you as well. You were left reeling and confused until you saw his Instagram story. He was in a whole new country, far away from your life in Cincinnati. And then the reeling stopped and you shattered. A million teeny tiny pieces everywhere. Sharp, jagged shards flying all over the place.

You knew it was going to be messy to clean yourself up after this. You’d recently been going to counselling and had received a diagnosis for BPD and anxiety disorder. Both of which you were still learning to keep under control.

…~~…

2 weeks has passed since he left, and you’ve packed up everything inside of your once shared apartment, having now moved into Parsons Manor, an old Victorian gothic mansion once owned by your only close relative, your aunty, who passed away a year ago, leaving the manor to you. Your ex never wanted to live here, he said it was too creepy, even though your aunty had poured hundreds of thousands of dollars into renovating the mansion just before she passed. So you accepted that his decision and moved into his cramped, modern apartment. Hating every minute of it. But you did that, for him. Now look where it’s left you. Alone. But at least you get to live in a place filled with such fond memories to you.

As you walk through house, the floors creak and groan beneath your delicate steps. The dark walls still look in perfectly, fresh painted condition, with beautiful, ornate Victorian age paintings hanging all over them. Everything is as she left it for you, and you couldn’t be happier. She always had the best eye for interior design, lucky as that’s what she did for a living, which is one of the reasons she invested in Parsons Manor. She saw a jewel in the mud, quite literally. Parsons manor is so remote and far off any beaten track that it sits alone and secluded atop its rolling hills and daunting cliffs.

You’ve been living at parsons manor for the past week, now fully unpacked, not that you had much to unpack anyway. Your routine stays fairly consistent. You work that bar shift 11am-4pm each weekday, come home and drink wine. Rose wine, so it’s sweet and cold and you’re able to drink far too much of it in one sitting.

…~~…

You’ve been leaning at the edge of the bar nursing your hangover for the past 5 minutes. Pressing your cold bottle of water on your forehead and strumming your fingers on the counter you contemplate what you’re going to do when you get home. Maybe read a book, or get changed and go for a walk along the cliffs… “yeah, maybe I’ll throw myself off of them” you mumble to yourself. Now that enough time has passed, you’ve made it through the anger and grief stage of being abandoned once again, and are now left in that foggy area where you’ve lost your favourite person, and with it your whole personality.

That’s the thing with BPD, you lose yourself in your favourite persons personality, and then when they leave… they take your new personality with them. And you’re no one again.

While you daydream about the inevitable onset of depression, you completely miss the ding on the bell as someone walks in. Still daydreaming until a daunting shadow is standing above you, looming over you. You look up to meet the gaze of a tall, incredibly handsome man. He’s striking, and takes your breath away in an instant. One incredibly dark eye and the other as white and bright as the sun. Across his bright eye is an incredibly vicious looking scar that only adds to allure of his dark good looking features. His hair is tucked under his black hood, but from what I can see he has a loose, neat mop of dark, silky hair. He’s tall as well, like, inhumanely tall, I’d say a good 6ft6.

“You okay there?” He asks, looking inquisitively at me, one brow cocked almost in a mocking sense as he dips his head to one side, strands of hair flopping across his sharp face. You stare blankly for a second before fumbling for an answer “Sorry, I’m good thank you, how can I help?” You managed to rasp out. “Just a whisky, neat” he grins as he says. He sits at the stool opposite where you were leaning. “Asshole” you mutter as you realise you won’t be able to lean there again, but instead have to busy yourself with jobs so you aren’t sucked into a conversation with the devilishly handsome man. You slide a napkin his way and place the drink gently down, offering him a shy smile and you tell him the price. You key in the amount on the card machine when he flashes his card at you, and hold out the machine to him so he can tap. “Thanks, enjoy your drink” you say to him as you walk down the bar to ring it through the till. You feel his eyes on your back the whole time, from the moment you turn away from him right up until he stand, thanks you for your time and walks out. The longest 10 minutes of your life, pretending to polish glasses and wipe surfaces as he slowly sips and watches you. You can’t decide if you felt uncomfortable or at ease. He didn’t seem threatening, in fact the complete opposite. He felt warm and inviting, almost familiar.

You finish up your shift and perform the mandatory handover to the next member of staff taking over from you for the evening shift.

…~~…

Zade watches you finish your shift from his car, delicately moving around behind the bar, clearing up glasses, wiping surfaces. All the usual jobs you’d expect a bar maid to do. Yet you do it with such grace. He’s entranced by you. Your small, petite frame moving effortlessly around, twirling and reaching for different items. Your long, dark wave hair slowly falling and blowing around your face. When you looked up at him in the bar he nearly fell backwards. It was clear you was lost in an ocean of thought, however you was stunning. Full, naturally round lips, a perfect little button nose and the most dazzling green eyes he’d ever seen. A dark green ring encircled them, making the colour shine so bright. Yet, he could see in your eyes that you were hurting. The never ending pools of colour didn’t seem like they were shining as brightly as they could, and he noticed you looked tired. Not the kind of tired you’d notice in someone who’s losing sleep, but the kind of tired where a persons soul is slowly giving up. He’s seen that look many times before, in a lot of the women and children he’s saved.

He watched you leave the bar, head hung low and an oversized hoodie thrown over yourself as you walked to your car in the rain. He’d guess you was maybe 5ft4. He watched you cross the road, you didn’t even glance up to check for cars. You wasn’t on your phone, you wasn’t distracted, it seemed more like you simply didn’t care if a car were to plough you down. His brows dipped in concern at the idea that you was putting yourself in danger on purpose. His whole purpose is to save and protect people, but you were different.

That’s what attracted him to you. You had a dark air around you, intriguing and mysterious. What was plaguing you enough to cause such deep rooted issues such as the possibility of death not scaring you.

Zade thought about that the whole drive, as he followed you back to a seemingly derelict road leading through a forest. He couldn’t exactly turn off and follow you down it as it’d be obvious he was following you. He hung back, allowing 5 minutes before signalling and turning down the dirt track, spotting a sign that reads ‘Parson Manor’ at the mouth of the road.

…~~…

You sit in the bay window of Parson Manor, looking out as dusk engolfs the woods surrounding you. You’re holding a large glass of wine like your life depends on it, the bottle sat on the floor next to you, there and ready to top your glass up when you take your last sip. A deep feeling of depression and loneliness is starting to settle in your chest, blooming like a garden that’s just come into spring. You often find your depression coming and going, but this time it feels different. It feels like it’s going to keep you company for a long time. You drink late into the night, maybe even the early hours, drifting off into a deep sleep sat in your bay window chair. Unsettling dreams keep you fidgeting throughout the night, but you’ve drank enough that at least the nightmares won’t wake you.

You stir, feeling as though someone’s watching you. Slowly you blink your eyes open, rubbing away the sleep that is blurring your vision. The hairs on the back of your neck prickle, and you’re sure you heard something from behind you, but when you look there nothing or no one to be seen. You shake the feeling off and take yourself to bed, still wobbly on your feet as you check your phone for the time. 4:27am. Great, you’re going to feel like shit in a few hours time. “At least I’ll feel something…” you mumble as you face plant your bed, sleep and nightmares instantly welcoming you back.

…~~…

Zade has found himself in a routine now. Go off, do your work and come and watch you. It’s been 4 weeks since he’s been stalking you from afar. Sometimes he’ll keep an eye on you at work, but more often than not it’ll be through the windows of parsons manor. Even he finds this place creepy. He wonders how you must feel, but you seem so at home with darkness that he thinks that must be it. You surround yourself with darkness, including where you live.

He’s grown a deep love for you, and has developed a sense of protection over you. He watched as what seemed to be a group of familiar people to you speedily drove down the dirt track, slamming and skidding to a stop outside the mansion. At first you came out with what appeared to be a surprised smile on your face, only to see it drop in seconds when a stern faced woman came out screaming and shouting, telling you that you shouldn’t be here and that this house didn’t belong to you. She proceeded to drag items out of the house, your clothes, laptop and other personal belongings, tossing them all over the place, screaming at you to get out of her sisters house and leave the family alone. It only became apparent to Zade that she was your mother after hearing you screaming at her. The words hurt his soul to hear, wondering how any woman could ever tear down their daughter like that “You’re nothing to this family! No daughter of mine would be such a disappointment!” You of course would plead back to her, asking why she had to be this way to you. Your tiny physique made you seem so vulnerable as you held yourself, arms crossed and head down, tears falling from your cheeks. Zade wanted nothing more than to walk up to you, pick you up, cradle you and tell you everything was okay. That he was there and that you wasn’t alone. But he couldn’t yet.

Slowly, as the weeks passed he noticed bandages adorning your left arm. He’d been watching you long enough to know you didn’t go to the hospital to get whatever was wrong dressed. He had Jay check the hospital records for you, and nothing flagged up. Whatever had happened, you’d treated it yourself. Worry grew in Zades mind, and one afternoon while you worked, he came and installed the latest spy cams throughout your sprawling mansion. This way, he could always keep an eye on you and make sure you was okay, even if he’d have to ask Jay to check on you from time to time.

He was surprised when he reached your kitchen and saw several red roses placed in a vase, each one at a different stage of dying. One was nearly completely petal-less. You’d kept each rose he was sending to you. He smiled to himself “I’m glad you like the roses, baby” wishing desperately that he was holding you and saying it to your face.

…~~…

Each time you receive a rose and a note, mixed emotions rise to the surface. You have a stalker. A very real, possibly dangerous stalker. As soon as you received the first note and flower you instantly grabbed for your phone to check whether it was your ex. His stories on instagram would confirm that it wasn’t. The excitement died in less than a second and fear settled in its place. Through the fear though, you felt somewhat less alone. Parsons Manor can isolate a soul, imprison them and leave them wishing for death just like you had been each night. The notes gave you something to do, although short, they are sweet. You’d read them with a glass or few of wine. “One day, little mouse, you’ll smile. And that day will light up my whole entire world” that one in particular felt the warmest to read. While it is scary to have an unknown stranger watching you, at least someone cared… right?

[mint-ty]

It's been so interesting to see everyone's takes on Everybody's Waiting. So here's a bit personal post to add from myself too. (tw: personal post, panic attacks)

I have friends who struggle from ADHD or depression, or both, or something else. I've also been lucky not to suffer from serious mental issues and could manage myself quite well. But then, when I was living and working abroad, Covid hit and I got stuck in a single apartment, in a foreign country tiny town, working from home, with no way to travel to meet loved ones. There was a period of 5 months when the only living person I saw was a cashier at my nearby supermarket once a week. And although I'm fine by myself, it came to a point where it didn't matter if I shower or if I eat, because no one sees me anyway. I started having panic attacts so heavy that I was convinced I'm dying from a heart attack. Every single evening. Despite literally nothing happening in my life. I'm very nervous about disturbing someone, so I never called for ambulance, especially during peak covid period. Because others have it worse, right? I guess I just hoped that I'm not dead by the morning... I told this in messages to my friend and she got me her therapist's contact. Told to check with her before going to a hospital. The therapist said immediately that yep, that's what it is - panic attacks with a side dish of other related issues. Then I had therapy sessions every few days until finally after another 4 months I was feeling a bit better and could manage my still daily panic attacks. I had to do therapy for almost two years to actually feel better.

Now everything is okay and I haven't had panic attacks in a while. I'm not scared of them either. So Bojan's experience is very personal to me because sometimes it doesn't matter why, the ground slips from under your feet and there's only you and your flawed mind to make sense of what's happening. It also leaves a scar - even if it's healed, it's always there in the background - an event that had happened.

This experience also changed my character by 180 degees. The things that were important before, like making career, achieving goals, experiencing life, listening to others,- nothing really mattered anymore. I've stopped caring about so much, but also learned to take time to appreciate small things and everyday moments. I moved back home, changed my work, reconnected to people I missed (and distanced from people who made me feel worse), and just... enjoy what I have.

So yeah, I love JO and Everybody's Waiting immensily for voicing these experiences. Because when I first got those attacks almost 5 years ago, I had no clue what had hit me. Maybe if I had JO with me, I would have known much earlier. But I know they're there for the listeners who need them now

[cutepastelstarsalior]

Helluva boss review part 4

Season 2 Episode 4

In Pseudomonarchia Daemonum, or False Monarchy of Demons; and in the Ars Goetia Andrealphus is a nobleman who is also a peacock who is the demon of noise, astrology, and in the human world, geometry. He can also turn people into birds. In the Goetia he rules over 30 legions. Where as Stolas in the book rules over 26 legion.

I’m guessing that base off this information, Stolas’s family married into Stella’s family since there higher class? Nobleman isn’t a higher or lower class level compared to a prince, so it’s possible that Stolas is from a “poorer” family than Stella.

But why is Andrealphus an ice bird?? No clue.

A: “after all you did cheat on the poor thing. Surly you own..”

S: “cheating implies there was a betrayal. This woman never gave a shit about me or our arranged marriages.”

Stolas…🧍🧍🧍 dude. You kind of did cheat. Yes the first instance when you were drunk was a one time thing, but after that you still flirted and sleep with Bkitzo. This wasn’t a one night stand, you actively when out of your way to see him.

Again, what is the timeline here? I know after bkitzo told Stella he slept with Stolas, Stolas says he wants a divorce. But when did that happen? How long was progress? Stolas did say he wanted a divorce to be official in an other episode….So like, did he actively cheat on his wife or not??

Oh. Stella did hire Striker to kill Stolas….Girl why the hell would you tell your plans when you were literally a few inches away from Stolas at the dinner table????

Stolas just because you’re bonded in magic rope that limit your abilities……Just turn Striker into stone????

Wrathian. Oh, blitzo also isn’t from wrath either. But that cool that different rings are called different things.

So far for races we have: princes of hell (7 sins), imps, sharks, bird people, and hellhounds. And whatever that fish person and her kid is and that squid nurse.

“Unemployed rabble.” Ok. So I heard that Imps are treated as slower class. But it didn’t feel that way???? Like, imp have jobs, live in houses, cars, insurance, they basically are like regular people. The only people that look down on imp is Stella and Ozzie when they found out that Stolas is dating/cheating/whatever relationship they have with blitzo. So is dating an imp just an issue in the higher classes???

Striker Kill HImm!!!!!!!

Hmmm. So it seems like Stella isn’t really that bad? Sure she’s spoiled and was in a loveless marriage. But when she’s talking to her brother, she’s very ditzy. I’m glad Stella dosnt mind the idea of Octavia owning everything if Stolas dies. But it seems like Andrealphus is the brains of the duo. I guess Stella’s family IS actually the poorer family??? But why would Andrealphus want to have Stolas wealth? Or does he want something else??

Ok. So heelhound need a special shot every year. Blitzo been trying to get loona one for 5 years. If blitzo adopted loona when she was 17, then currently she is 22. And in a different episode moxie says she 5 years older than Loona. Again if what Millie said is true then she would be 27.

“He can get hurt?” I guess blitzo didn’t realize that the higher royal can get hurt? Then again blitzo pushes everyone away, so in his mind he doesn’t realize that people can get hurt.

Scale out of 5. I give this a 2. I love Striker man…

Episode 5

Ok. So rehab is a thing in hell. That’s, actually interesting. I guess just like moxie having a good heart, not all people in hell are bad people. I’m curious who stared this rehab, and why? Why try to help people with their addiction in hell? Why would there be empathy and compassion and sympathy in hell? Was the owner someone who die in earth? Some from hell? Are the rehabs working? Many questions.

Hmmm, you know for a trio. Moxxxie not leading a mission is odd. I just they let blitzo lead? Why is that? If moxxie grew up in a mafia family, wouldn’t he know how to lead?

Did you know the last time the gang had like a proper official assistant job was in Season 1. The Cherub episode. All the other times, they been bodyguards for Stolas, was kidnapped by the government, meet both Moxxie and Millies parents, and had to find Octavia, and rescue Stolas. So it been a while since we had an assassin job.

Mille enjoying the attention, she likes when people like her! It seems like all Millie does is work. Does she have any hobbies? Have any friends? It neat to see this side of her. Also Moxxie wanted everything to go to plan, but he also gets up when people focus more on Millie than him. Is it because he’s worried Millie will leave him? Is it because he not use to people, growing up in a mafia home, with only his dad?

Ah, it seems like the kids don’t like him because Moxxie is trying to hard, where Millie is just having fun.

WE HAVE A DATE THE SHOW IS CURRENTLY IN JULY.

Hmm, Millie wanted to have fun and to feel important. She wants someone to be proud of her. She don’t feel like Moxxie listens to her, only wanted to do his way. It feel like, as the series continues bs the pilot, Millie and Moxxie character change. In the pilot Moxxie was angry and snarky, here in the show he shows lots of self dought, and very kind. In the pilot Millie was cheerful, and energetic, and in the show, she she is more calmer, but must more prone to anger. Her anger also has to be shown more lately, while it use to be something that happen rarely and was a surprise to see. I don’t know if this episode is them trying to build Moxxie and Millie’s characters more, or if it’s them trying not to fall into flanderization?

Wait wait wait???? Why does this random imp have a crystal device to travel to the human world? I thought only Stolas’s book could do that? Did the imp steal it? Can Blitzo just buy a crystal to use for work??

Oh that’s cool that each demon has their own version of a transformation!! Barbie’s is a crystal type thing. But her trying to go back onto drugs isn’t good. But I do wonder why she hid that little mark on her forehead? Is it a tattoo? A birthmark the twins have? Also her human design is so pretty.

Barbie is out of a job now?? What even WAS her job??

Millie being multitalented is cool!!

Ew ew ew ewe ew ew ew ew incest joke. Ew ew ew

Scale out of 5. I give it a 0, it would be night but incest joke…

Episode 6

ALEX WHAT ARE YOU DOJNG HERE (yes I’m making this a running joke)

Seems like this episode is focusing on Ozzie (prince of lust) and Frizz. I really adore their dynamic. I don’t know if there boyfriend, QPR, or something else, but they are great. But it seems like the news is calling Ozzie a hypocrite. I’m guessing since In the first episode is was in, he kicked Moxxie and Millie out for being g romantic and no sexual. But here, with Frizz, he is?

Add snakes and goat to the race list!! Finally. One thing I don’t like about this show, is that it feels very empty. Like the background for nature are beautiful, but any building or streets, it feels empty of people. Isn’t this series a spin off of Hazbin? Isn’t hell supposed to be populated? There should have been so many peole you could barely walk or drive down the street. And when there is people, anyone not being animated, is just frozen still. It’s noticeable.

Oh hey, striker and crimson are back!

“Lust should be about force, it’s an art.” Hmmmm. I guess so? The art thing I mean, not the forcing. Kind of cool that the prince of lust is against force relationship. I wonder if him being the prince of lust is both a metaphorical and literally? I mean we did see him make sex toys, but lust can also synonym. It can be a desire for something, a passion, or an urge.

“I know your demons are the o oh ones who can travel freely, and legally” 👀 👀. Hmmmm so demons, or certain ones can travel, but it has to be legal? Why is that? Is that why Barbie, and that one random imp has a crystal to travel? Why can’t demons go to the human realm illegally? Why would any of the demons fallow that rule?

Yooo Ozzie is the most weakest and non-threatening sin. Hmm that cool, just like what Dante thought. Im not sure but I think either Pride or Greed may be the highest and powerful sin.

“Royal guys don’t care about us”. Again, what is that supposed to mean? Imp are apparently lower class???? But why, how? The only time I seen it being a negative thing is only when it comes to relationships? Do the imp not have certain privileges? How are they treated differently? Also Blitzo thinks that Stolas doesn’t care about him. That he’s only using Blitzo for sex. Is it because Blitzo is still trying to push others away or is it because Blitzo doesn’t want or is scared of this power dynamic?

Striker why are you so pale????? I swear sometimes the light or the colors look so pale or even different shades on these guys..

Stolas why are you acting as Ozzie’s lawyer????? Stolas you’re not the demon of that????

Ok so backstory. Blitzo was going to give Frizz a letter, but he saw that everyone was crowing Frizz. Thinking that frizz don’t care about him anymore, Blitzo accidentally knocks into the guy with the birthday cake. The cake catches the curtains on fire, scaring the horses. The circus goes up in flames, something a fireworks I think, hits Blitzo in the eye, and Blitzo’s and Barbie’s mom died I. The fire. Meanwhile on frizz POV. He thought Blitzo was jealous and started the fire on purpose. Panic happens and Frizz gets hit near an explosion causing him to loses most of his horns and his arms.

The 2 wanted to reconnect but someone told each of the boys that the other didn’t wanted to see him. Maybe it was Mammoth? I think after the fire, Frizz when there? But I’m not sure. Thought this information dos t make scenes when Blitzo worked briefly at LULU Land with the robo frizz….Do all robo frizz share memories?? Did Blitzo just hate the robot frizz automatically?? I’m guess this is why Blitzo keeps push others away and is toxic?? Also it’s been 15 years since the two have meet up..

!! Frizz is acutely disabled. He has robotic parts!! Wow :]

Nice that Blitzo and Frizz are close again. Or maybe even friends?

Ozzie is a bit concerning, he says that he doesn’t want frizz outdid of the place again with protection, him says frizz dos t have to go outside again. Hmmmm that sounds a bit sketchy….

Oh, so the crystal are made/own by Ozzie, and using those can make someone be Abel to go to the human realm. But why would he makes those? What purples do they have?

Scale out of 5, I give it a 4.

Episode 7

FINALLY ON THE LAST EPISODE

Ew. Mammoth design is god awful. Why does he look like a Christmas tree???

A yearly clown pageantry????? Why???

Mammoth is a demon from the New Testament, he is the demon of material wealth, gain, and money, and sometimes as greed. Mammoth is also another name for Bleelzebub.

So even as a teen, Frizz had stalker fans, and is uncomfortable being in the spotlight. He’s also shy. When he becomes the face of Mammoth’s brand, he was used as merchandise. There also robots for work, teens, kids, and as sex workers. What I DONT understand is why would Ozizie work with Mammorh? Is it because wealth and lust go hand in hand together?

Blitzo and frizz haven’t seen each other in 15 years, frizz works for Mammoth for 10 years.

Frizz keeps doing this job, even when he hates it, because he wants to be useful. He doesn’t want to let his fans or his boss down. His a people pleaser. I guess growing up in the crocus then being the face of a company, frizz hasn’t actually had time to rest. He always entertaining people. Awww frizz and the deaf child that was cute and sweet that they have sigh language!!

Blitzo just kill that creep stalker?? You killed peole for way less…

Aw man frizz panic so much that he almost passed out! :( awwww Ozzie gave frizz a pep talk!

I don’t care about rhese song dear god there to many and like literally besides 1 all of the. Suckkkk.

WHY IS HE A SPIDER???

So Ozzie told everyone that he’s in love with Frizz. Seems like people are taking that well. So was there really any concern if the media found out??

Scale out of 5, I give it a 3.

[metaphoricgibberish]

thanks for the tag hun @sawymredfox - i've been shit at keeping up with tags, but this is me trying to do better.

1) Were you named after someone?

i was not, my parents liked the really basic, overused name sara so they went with that. my mom and i have the same middle name, though, i bet you can't guess what it is... (you absolutely can, almost every white girl in america has this middle name).

2) When was the last time you cried?

literally last night lol.

3) Do you have kids?

no, no, no. i don't think kids are for me.

4) What sports do you play/have you played?

i played soccer (football for those who care about technicalities) for like nine years when i was younger. but i don't currently play anything. i go running a lot, though.

5) Do you use sarcasm?

never

6) What is the first thing you notice about people?

i'm not sure. i think physically i notice eyes and smile. outside of that, i'm really big on vibes. sometimes people just have a warm vibe, ya know what i mean? i appreciate that.

7) What is your eye colour?

kinda blue? kinda gray?

8) Scary movies or happy endings?

both plz!

9) Any secret talents?

i don't have many talents, so the ones that i do have i definitely do not keep a secret.

10) Where were you born?

the bay area in california

11) What are your hobbies?

this will come as no surprise- reading, writing, slipping into a dissociative state. i love baseball a lot, so i watch a lot of baseball during the season. like i said earlier, i love to go running.

12) Any pets?

i don't have any where i live (it's so hard to find housing in sf that allows pets) but my parents have a lab named Zephyr and three cats: Lucy, Indy, and Harry.

13) How tall are you?

5'6'' (actually 5'5'' and a half but don't tell the DMV)

14) Favourite subject in school?

always English Lit. i was horrific at math and science. i liked history a lot once i got to uni, but the american public education system loves to lie about/whitewash history.

15) Dream job?

i don't really dream about labor. i work in office operations and have for a long time. it's chill and gives me a lot of downtime. once upon a time i wanted to be a high school English or writing teacher, but i still have too many loans to pay off from my undergrad to pursue that.

hi if i'm tagging you and you don't wanna do this plz don't feel any pressure. ily. @verybigvag @netherfeildren @pedgito

[blu-engineer]

my brain has been overloaded with a lot of different emotions in a lot of intensities that i'm Not Used To and it's been extremely. deeply. unpleasant. (yo uhh long ventpost under the cut. reader beware you're in for deeply suppressed emotions)

it's like. how does this kind of fucking thing keep happening? beyond the obvious exceptions (you guys) it feels like my friends hate me. i've been getting into like. EXTREMELY incandescent rages at the worst ones. they last like hours sometimes. and then a moment later my mood switches entirely and i feel like i'm about to cry. but at the same time, i never let myself actually say how i feel, because that would Cause Problems and i have a history of even worse things happening to me because i said how i felt in a way that was harmful. but this is hurting me RIGHT NOW. y'know?

the crying thing is really bizarre especially. yesterday i felt like i was about to cry at every single point in the school day. the entire goddamn time. but i didn't. there was a REALLY close call but i didn't. and thats because i (and Another Guy (You Know Who You Are (Hey Man (How's it going)))) have had an issue with a guy Literally Stalking Us. but its also because of other things but the guy who is quite literally stalking me is NOT fucking helping. the entire day yesterday i felt like he would come in at any fucking moment. i'm talking full hypervigilance mode. i haven't had to be like that in a while but oh my god. it's so much worse than it was online .

another thing that happened yesterday was people switching in at very strange times. we were dicking around with a friend during some free time in one of my classes and they took a picture of me (which i was okay with/encouraged). whoever was fronting (i don't even fucking KNOW who it could have been) put their head in their hands and then someone IMMEDIATELY popped right in and had to figure out wtf had just happened.

things have been very weird and emotionally skewed recently. it is fucking with us A Lot. hey uhh if you've gotten this far a) Sorry and b) give us a little leeway if we seem off or snappy or short with you. a lot of emotions have been Happening and i have basically uhh. zero outlet for them.

but like?? the bullying and shit has gone up by a factor of 5 and i have no IDEA why. last year practically nothing happened and this year Something Has Happened for pretty much every day in a given week. even excluding the stalker guy. people have been pricks before but it's never felt like my life/safety was actually IN DANGER until now. not to mention this kind of thing happening in classes where i SHOULD be safe. people are talking LITERALLY RIGHT BEHIND my back in my drama class. i don't know what they're saying because my brain is bad at processing words when i can't see who's talking. but i can tell when it's about me, and that scares the living shit out of me. someone who i KNOW is transphobic got moved into my drama class and it's extremely hard to function as an actor and AS A PERSON when i know they're sitting there. watching me. and this isnt even getting into the stress i feel as a transgender person for the 2024 election

the election is in november. i think it's nov 5 2024 if i remember right. i *just barely* miss the cutoff to vote for president. by a little over a month. and i've been upset over this for Literally 8 years at this point, but i've never been SCARED over it until now. there is hate speech against people like me and myself everywhere. i know (or i guess knew. now. that's a different story) multiple trans people living in different states where their existence is being deemed illegal. but i'm the only person IRL who acts like i'm fucking scared. i'm terrified! WE SHOULD ALL BE TERRIFIED! if ANY republican gets elected, in a little over a year my entire life will be turned upside down. i'll have to move out of the country. i've never even BEEN out of the country before. i don't own a passport. if someone gets elected that won't tolerate people like me, i'll have a little under 2 months to pack my things and leave. i won't be able to join my graduating class, because i'm a fucking tranny and i'm not safe here.

LIKE I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING FUCKING INSANE! LITERALLY! i've had minor psychotic issues in the past but this is causing me to doubt fucking everything i've been experiencing because a) nobody else is scared, b) nobody else besides me (and the Other Person) is getting bullied as intensely (I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M EVEN DOING WRONG????), and c) i can't confide in most of my friends on account of the whole I Think They Might Hate Me issue. i have had such bad luck with friends. especially in the last 4 years. i genuinely think i don't know how a real friendship is supposed to look or function, i've been mistreated and burned so many times. i already have issues opening up to people because of Past Happenings, but all of this is making stuff so much worse and i feel trapped and stuck. it's fucking terrifying. why am i the only one who is scared? why am i the only one who is being rejected?

THE FUCKING REJECTION! that's maybe the worst part!!! i'll wave at people and SAY THEIR NAMES IN THE HALL and they'll just breeze on by???? WHAT DID I FUCKING DO? NOBODY WILL TELL ME IF I'M DOING ANYTHING WRONG! they just breeze on by. it's like i'm fucking invisible. am i? AM I? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG? seriously! it's WORSE THAN A 50/50 that a given person i say hi to by their entire ass NAME will actually acknowledge me back in any way. this fucking sucks man. okay i need to cut this off NOW before i never finish this. i'll probably delete this when one of us gets self conscious enough to. good lird man.

[petrikaira]

The Butler

Chapter 4: The Jails

Pg 5 (Previous, Next)

Rating: T for Teen

The Canis tilted his head again. “I’m fifteen in Canis years, but in human years- I’m over two thousand years old. I’ve seen more of this than you ever have, Valko of the fae.”

Valko felt his lungs deflate. He knew there were demons who aged in the way deep sea sponges did- unending, forever. At 42, both in his own species years and human years- and he hated that the stupid dog child had been able to guess his age at all- he could not comprehend living that long. To be a teenager for literal centuries. 

“Rough,” He said flatly. “Sorry about your extended puberty.”

The Canis laughed. “All puberty is rough, I am lucky because I never have to do second puberty.”

Valko stared off, for a moment. He supposed the kid had a point- but this entire situation irked him. It was like eating live fire ants while suspended over lava.

“You’re wasting my limited time before I get turned into a wriggling fae babe, Canis. Did you come to gawk?”

The Canis scratched at his eyebrow, bit his lip. Valko suddenly felt like the blushing girl at a ball, waiting to be asked to dance. Except he didn’t feel like blushing, and he didn’t feel like dancing with someone who had rolled on the floor for the fun of it.

“Only a little,” The Canis said. “Actually, I’m here because your butler credentials are outstanding! I don’t really have time for you to wait to grow into a fae adult so I can employ you, I’d just rather do it now.”

An idiot who rolled in dirt, not just the floor. Valko eyed him.

“So! What I mean is-” The Canis shifted, apparently taking his silence as a tacit agreement to whatever the hell the idiot was proposing. “I am Prince Yuki Canis, of the Demon City, and I have come to offer you a contract as our butler in training on behalf of my wife, Queen Aikaterine Canis.”

Valko’s ears laid back and he stared harder. He knew of the Demon City, and of Queen Aikaterine. He had considered going there instead of making his way to the fae, if only because they were demons that lived outside of Hell. The idea of living in a city run by the demi-gods that ran on chaos had been sickening. And this one didn’t seem to understand the rules of the fae.

“We have employment benefits!” The Canis explained further. “I know, you must be thinking ‘I didn’t like being a butler the first time, and now look where I am!’ But guess what? We offer pay for every hour you work! You’ll find our rate very competitive. We offer doctors and healers if you’re ever sick or injured on the job! And you get a day off, every week. Not to mention free lodging and board!”

Valko slowly blinked. Pay. Benefits. He had been given free range of the fae kingdom when he was dismissed, but his job was an every day-

What was he thinking? He was in jail. He was going to be tried for crimes against the fae court. He was in chains! He couldn’t just simply go with the first mongrel who shoved his way through the bars of his jail cell.

“You seem to not understand,” Valko said drily. “I am to be punished for crimes.”

Crimes he did commit. Crimes he would stand by. Crimes he would commit again, if he had the chance of not getting caught, this time.

Yuki Canis tilted his head the other way. Valko swore he could see the ghost of a tail slowly wagging, in concentration and friendship. “You have been punished though, and you have spent time in their jail.”

(Previous, next)

[measuringbliss]

Spider-Man Read-Through 012: Hmm watcha say... (ASM 88-92, Ann 7)

MASTERPOST

In this post, we're here to DO CO---I mean, Doc Ock is here.

We get some real nice art in this batch, so check it out!

See, Otto has been hustling and busting to increase his Bluetooth range and finally, after months, succeeds in taking control again of his mechanical arms.

Spidey thus does his best impression of a Japanese erotic doujinshi.

That's a great panel.

The arms escape, but more importantly: Gwen has a great new outfit! Love it.

Pete also has a great outfit later.

The yellow jacket/blue pants works exquisitely, obviously, but the sweater below, and the black tie over a white shirt... It's great.

So this issue's about Ock hijacking a plane where coincidentally a Chinese general has also boarded, and Otto uses this to blackmail the US and get money. A bit of racism (unsurprising), a smart idea (Spidey assassin'screeding his way to the plane) and nice outfits prevent this issue from being completely unmemorable. Otto has been through an explosion, but come on, it's not the last time it happens. He'll be alright. He's a big boy.

The next issue doesn't waste time with this either, since Spidey is once again fighting Ock on its cover, no less!

Randy's back, which is great.

We also get a very nice, if a bit overdone, panel.

On one hand, this issue is almost 100% action, which I dislike. On the other hand, we get fantastic perspective art.

But in the next issue, D E A T H A W A I T S.

I haven't had readers' letters for two issues now, I wonder if my scans are missing them or if the editors didn't have time for this.

Peter faints because a battle that takes a full issue is just far too long, and this gives us a nice waking up scene, although now I feel like Spidey is constantly sick or weakened.

Peter still hasn't told his secret to Gwen's father (he HAS to know though, right?). The artists are clever and they beg me to forgive them for last issue by providing both male physique and very nice colors.

It admittedly works. The colors, not Petter's too defined chest.

To beat Otto's impressive continent-wide Bluetooth skills, Peter invented a counter-measure: Bluetooth, but better! He No Way Home's Otto's tentacles and takes care of him.

Anyway, the tentacles go amok and Captain Stacy jumps in to protect a kid from rubbles and HE DIES. BUT NOOOOOT BEFORE REVEALING THAT HE KNOWS PETER'S SECRET. YES.

The letters are back, but they're not particularly interesting to me.

It's issue 91 one time, and what better way to close the year (December baby) than with a burial!

Gwen is furious at Spider-Man, whom she believes is responsible. So she's proactive and decides she's going to help Mr. Bullit at the local elections. Spidey's going to be fucked and she's making sure of it!

Bullit is making his greatest impression of the French government circa 2017-2027 (I will say no name, but those who know, know) and I'm having flashbacks. According to Robertson, he's "a fascist" and "still living in the 1930s". It's heartwarming to know that a century later, my government would be at the same point.

Jameson argues that maybe things were better before, to Robbie's face, which is truly outlandish.

FLASHBACKS, AS I SAID.

The issue was more disturbing than enjoyable.

In the letters, William Fesselmayer thinks that Hobie has to have guessed Spidey's identity, and I'd reply to him that he probably doesn't care. Someone else actually roleplays as him in the letters with the same "I figured who he is!", lol.

The readers are absolutely obsessed with the mechanics of Spidey's shooting mechanics, whereas I truly don't care about it. Like, it's a subject mentioned EVERY TIME.

In the penultimate issue of this post (92!), Iceman is here and considering he woudn't come out for another 4-5 decades, he's a jerk.

Look how he is, pretending he's straight!

Bobby's a breath of fresh air, literally but also figuratively. His powers are entertaining to see, after so much of Otto and Kingpin.

Meanwhile, Gwen's no silent observer. She very much channels our dear Natasha.

Meanwhile...

Wow, this is getting real, folks. ASM really starts affirming its politics from 1969 on.

It's page 10 and Iceman and Spidey are fighting for the second time in the same issue, and it feels endless.

And Robbie's kidnapped! Fuck.

But this panel ruined the tension and made me snicker.

Like I said, Iceman is a very pleasant addition to this otherwise... complicated arc. But what do I see? THE PROWLER'S BACK!?! Makes sense, given he was very popular (and rightfully so!). But he's going to be for the next post. We have Annual 7 to go through before!

I've read the first two stories before (as they're reprints from the very first two issues!) but not the last one, "A Guy Named Joe" (since I didn't read #38). So let's read it!

This is one issue before Norman reveals to Peter he's the Green Goblin. What a great guy indeed!

A protest scene that is sure handled differently than in 1969, huh!

MJ hadn't been showed yet! But she sure had a bust already.

Fun issue, nothing much to say, Joe Smith is an obvious name for an anonymous guy. It all ends well!

Overall, a mixed batch. It felt a bit too heavy at times compared to real life. Oof. Not that I necessarily disliked it...

[regular-lord-reckoner]

so, my dad had some doctors appointments yesterday so we can just kinda see where he’s at with all of this and what the next step is and i felt pretty confident based on everything we’d been seeing and everything i’d heard from my therapist as well as reading about this that the next step was going to be to order in home hospice care but apparently!!!

we’re doing physical therapy

i guess we’re...gonna see if he can get a little stronger, maybe then see if he can do some more infusions i guess and just go from there?

i dunno

i just feel confused and maybe this is just like...his denial about the whole thing powering him through this because i’m looking through the list of “what it looks like when someone with cancer is dying” and he’s checking several of the boxes but instead of preparing for that i guess we’re just going to push it to the absolute limit, i guess ??

and it sucks because i was just seeing on facebook someone from high school who’s also going through this with a parent and like...hers is at the point where her mom is having to have fluid drained off her lungs every week and she’s absolutely miserable and it’s just awful for everyone involved, especially her mom, but like....i get why she’s trying to power through it, because she’s still fairly young

my dad turns 77 this year

and we’ve asked him over and over again, “is there anything else you want to do before it’s time? any trips? visit with anyone? anything?” nope!!

he’s already done everything he’s wanted and lived a wonderful life

and by no means am i saying, “okay, great, so get the fuck out of here, then!!!” but like...he’s said over and over again he wants to keep his dignity intact and not have it be a miserable march to the end and i can’t help but feel like that’s what we’re signing up for here

i know my mom said emotionally she’s not ready for this to happen right now and i think he’s in denial as well, but like...guys, that’s not going to make it stop, i’m so genuinely sorry about it

and it sucks because it’s at the point where this 24/7 caretaking is taking its toll on my mom (and me, but to a much lesser extent) and it’s like...she goes back to work in a few weeks and i’m the one who’s having to pose the question, “are we at least going to consider getting home healthcare to come in to help him while you’re at work or am i supposed to do it?” and there’s no plan of action for that, but yeah, let’s have a dying man push his body physically and i guess that’ll magically fix everything? 

it won’t

i’m not saying it won’t be nice for him to at least be able to walk by himself (because he can’t right now) or that it wouldn’t be of any benefit for him to do a few arm curls with a 5 pound dumbbell but it just feels like denial is winning the war on reality and i’m the one person who sees it and it’s making this whole thing even more confusing and frustrating

maybe i’m wrong, maybe this will help and he’ll get strong enough to go back on his infusions and then he’ll go back to how he was before which was yeah, still stuck with this shit unfortunately, but like...more or less “normal” and able to like....walk from one side of the room to the other without immediately needing his oxygen and an inhaler and a breathing treatment, y’know?

i dunno.

i guess we’ll just see what happens and figure something out as far as getting him help, because regardless i just don’t feel comfortable being the only person here to watch him while she’s gone

i’m not a nurse and i have a physical disability; if he were to have some sort of medical emergency or fall down i don’t know what i would do and i think the closest medical facility that has an emergent department is at least 30 minutes away so like...i would really prefer having someone here who could help with that

literally the other day he asked me to hand him one of his medicines to take and like...i don’t know what the fuck this shit is or what it does or what can mix with what and fortunately my mom was there to be like, “hang on a second, you don’t need this right now; this is going to do such and such” and had to explain to him that it would cause him more problems than what it would have fixed so like...i almost wrecked his whole fucking day and he asked me to!!!! he didn’t know, but neither did i so like....please

we’re supposed to have a family friend and his wife that are going to move their camper onto our property so they’ll be close by if we need extra help, but they both have jobs as well and ones that take them outside the house and one of the friends has already offered to amend his work schedule and cut back his hours just to help us so there’s that, but still, neither of them have the medical know-how to help with this and one of them has serious health issues herself so she doesn’t need to be stressing herself out because she could literally die so like...yeah

it’s just a lot and i love my dad, i do, god fucking knows i am torn up about the possibility of losing him, but at the same time it’s like...we have something many people (and in my own history especially) don’t get which is the gift of time and awareness

we know that this is happening and we can prepare for it because we know

i didn’t have a chance with Ashley, but i get a chance to prepare for this one and accept it with as much peace and grace as possible while also doing everything in my power to help him go the way he wants to with his dignity and in as little pain as possible and yet it’s like....mmmm, no Anna, everything’s fine, we’re just going to continue on!!!

like okay, but....he’s never going to go back to the way he was before. even with treatments, even with physical therapy, i can see it. even if no one else can or wants to, i can see it. quite frankly, i can smell it, too. it’s not strong and i know the man showers, i’m not saying “ew, he stinks!” but like...death does indeed have a smell and when i get next to him or hug him i can smell it

maybe i’m wrong, maybe he’ll make a miraculous turnaround and kick stage four lung cancer/COPD/emphysema in the ass and live for another ten years!!!!

but i don’t think i am and i really, really need everyone else to get on board with me and accept that because the sooner they do, the easier this will be even if it’s still the hardest thing in the fucking world

i’m sure at some point i’ll have to do what i always do and play the role of truth coming out of her well to beg everyone around me to accept reality and there will be the resistance that there usually is and i’ll be told i’m wrong like i usually am and then when things play out almost exactly the way i said they would and we end up almost exactly where i said we would we’ll have the exact same conversation of, “you were right and you tried to tell me” once again but i’d love if it we could skip that part and just....all get on the same page because i am so fucking tired of carrying grief by myself

it’s like that one quote about how pain gets passed around a family until someone is finally ready to feel it

i’m usually that someone and i think Ashley was that someone before me but neither of us has to be and i hope to god that’s not the case here 

all of that said, my therapy is indeed paying for itself because i am taking care of me today

i slept in pretty decent, i went and got some yummy food and a fun drink and dessert and i’ve just taken some good edibles and will make my way out to the pool in a little bit

today’s a self care day and i will continue to if nothing else prioritize my mental health and physical well being and lean into those who support me and are there for me and will accept reality even if i fucking hate it because i’m taking care of me and i think i kinda like me a little bit so there’s that !!

also, i finally have a week off coming up soon which is my first vacation in like 8 months that i won’t be dog sick during so whatever happens i will at least not have to worry about clocking in and out and goddamn referrals and stupid emails and whatever else!!

hope if you’re reading this you’re having a good weekend and doing something nice for yourself today <3

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Uhhh. Honestly, as much as I’d like to feel that way, it’s hard. I’m having a difficult time seeing past some of the stuff I’m going through and imagining anything changing. I’m scared it’s only going to stay the same. I mean, there’s been significant progress with some stuff, but I’m still bedridden and not where I’d like to be strength-wise, though that has gotten a little better. I’m lacking the motivation and energy that I need to work on things. And the hope. :/

2. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? I mean like I said, I really have made significant progress with one of the major things I’d been dealing with for years. For so long I struggled with it and it seemed to only get worse without much chance at all in getting better, but now here we are. Even in the hospital it had actually gotten worse. However, once I had the feeding tube for awhile and was back home where it could be better managed and monitored by my mom, things really started improving. So, I need to remember that when I feel hopeless and down about other things. If something like that situation managed to really turn around, then the other stuff has a chance as well. 

3. Name somewhere you are planning on visiting in the near future? All I’m able to do right now is go to my doctor appointments. I have two in the next couple weeks. 

4. How often do you go grocery shopping and how much food do you usually get in one go? My mom goes twice a month for our big grocery trips and gets a lot. 

5. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? I’ve just been eating the same few foods to be honest. Like, I have Cream of Wheat every morning and Taco Bell for dinner like 5 or 6 times a week. I’ve started having sandwiches most days for lunch. Other foods I throw in the mix sometimes are chicken wings, hot dogs, and pizza. Oh, and of course I eat a lot of Reese’s everyday. :X

6. When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? I’ve been struggling with something involving a couple family members since last year and I’m afraid to address it to them. I just don’t see that conversation going well. I don’t want to cause any issues or make things weird between us. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. But I am upset with some things that were said and how they went about some things and it’s caused me to be distant and bitter. I don’t want it to be that way, but I can’t seem to just let it go.

7. What was the last thing you changed your mind about?  Hm. I’m blanking at the moment. 

8. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? I don’t have any friends.

9. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else's dreams? I always have the most random dreams about the most random people. Like, people I went to elementary school with that weren’t even my friends will show up in my dreams and I’m like wtf??

10. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? I do miss Ty. He was a special part of my life for a time and he was there during a time I really needed him. It’s like he was put in my life for that time and then he served his purpose cause it’s like he literally just vanished. He stopped contacting me and deleted all his social media so I had no way of getting in touch. But the time we had together truly was a special time and I just miss him. I even thought at one point he was going to be “the one.” Anyway, I guess I’d just want to tell him what he meant to me and how much of an impact he had on me. I wish we could be in each other’s lives again. 

11. Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we're basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? No, we’re not Sims. 

12. What worries you most about your future? Like I always say, I’m scared I’ll never get better or get worse and that I won’t do anything with my life. I feel like I’m grandpa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory right now and I don’t want to spend my whole life this way.

13. What is something you do to feel better when you're scared? I mean, it depends what I’m scared about. I guess I typically talk about it with my mom and get comfort and reassurance from her and just try to distract myself with something like ASMR or a show.

14. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? I know I can always count on my mom. She is why I’m still here and keep going. 

15. What makes you trust someone? When was the last time someone broke your trust? If I feel comfortable talking to and sharing things with someone is a good indicator. I’d have to get to know them of course and establish a friendship. That takes a little time. And obviously if they don’t give me a reason to feel like I can’t trust them. I’ve met people who clearly like to gossip and I questioned whether I could trust them or not. I kind of just get a feeling, ya know? As for the last time someone broke my trust, it was last year with a couple of people. They did some things that made me feel uncomfortable sharing things with them.

16. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I don’t remember. 

17. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? I used to be the one often giving advice. I don’t tend to ask for advice a lot, but I do try to look up stuff and figure things out on my own. Or I just dwell on stuff and not do anything. 

18. When was the last time you felt totally lost, figuratively speaking? How about literally? >> I constantly feel lost, figuratively speaking. I almost never feel lost, literally speaking. <<< Yeah, I feel that way as well. I’ve been in a place figuratively for quite some time where I don’t know what to do, what I’m doing, or what is going to happen. I just feel so unsure about everything. I don’t know how to get past this. I don’t even recall the last time I literally felt lost. 

19. In what ways are you emotionally strong? In what ways are you emotionally weak? I don’t feel I am emotionally strong. In fact, I feel very, very weak. I just feel like such a hopeless mess. I haven’t been handling things well. I don’t know how to get through this. I’ve just kept going and try to get through each day. 

20. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? I can’t really think of a book I’ve read to be “the strangest.” Probably some book for school, ha. 

21. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? I love having shows to watch with my mom and/or brother. I just find it more enjoyable and it’s fun having someone to discuss the show or movie with and freak out together. I also like going on my personal Tumblr and seeing what other people are saying about it about it and reblogging a bunch of stuff. It’s just really fun to get involved in a fandom and share the experience with others. 

22. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? I haven’t broken something in quite awhile I don’t think. I’m not much of a fixer upper so I don’t know. 

23. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? Ever since I was a kid the number 8 has been my favorite number and it does have some significance to me. 

24. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? No.

25. What do you get complimented on the most? I’m a total mess so I’m not getting complimented on anything regarding my physical appearance that’s for sure, ha. I also don’t have any skills or talents to be complimented on either. Sooo, nothing. 

26. What is something unusual that you find attractive? Men’s veiny hands are attractive to me for some reason. 

27. What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? I typically have my breakfast around 11AM and my dinner around 7 or 8PM.

28. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching Disney history and ride related videos.

29. When was the last time you traveled out of town, and where to? Last March. Feels like forever ago.

30. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? >> I wouldn't, really. I just wear and surround myself with what I like, what feels good (physically and emotionally). <<< Ha, I mean yeah same. 

[maki-makis]

I haven't seen many comments on Due Vite (Italy) and it's in my top 3 this year (yes, I am that person who falls for typical sanremo ballad™️ every year, sue me), so, here it goes:

I've really wanted to hear this song because it was overhyped and practically pronounced winner of Sanremo before it even started and then I did and thought - that's it? that's what the hype was about?

Heard it 5 times during the festival and didn't like it one single time, said to myself: oh well, I guess it was about time for me to dislike the winning song of Sanremo.

The next day, having already assembled my Sanremo playlist, I've excluded Due Vite. It was eating me inside though, so I've finally caved in and gave it another listen...and another...and then one more. Essentially, at that point, I feel like I've listened to it like 15 times and it still hasn't clicked for me.

Then, the following day, I have no idea what happened, but it just kinda became my favorite song overnight? Maybe it was the Stockholm Syndrome because I did imprison my ears with that song the entire previous day, but, I think I've just stupidly resisted this song because it was really hyped and I didn't feel the hype when I first heard it so I've scratched it off altogether. When Sanremo ended and it all settled down a bit, I was able to actually enjoy the song for what it is.

And it's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. What's even more beautiful is how you can feel him living through every single note. I assume this song means a lot to him, you can tell from the lyrics that it's very personal, but especially from his live performance, where I feel he left his soul on that stage.

I still don't know what the song is exactly about, because, like I said, lyrics is very vague and feels too personal for anyone but Marco to know what it's really about, but, he did say this: "Due Vite is my neverending story. It's a journey from a phenomenal to a subconscious world. There is a dreamlike imagery, of course, and somewhat fantastic. There are also moments and pictures of my real life."

The way I interpret this song is that it speaks about the constant fight with oneself. "Due Vite", two lives, one that you live, one that you feel and the battle between the two. The way he sings it is sad, but at the same time angry and desparate, at moments bittersweet; you believe him that he's fighting with himself.

There's quite a bit of lyrics dedicated to not being able to sleep, or simply not sleeping ("and you don't sleep/and where will you be?/where are you going?/when life goes too far/all the running, the fighting, the mistakes you make/when something upsets you") and it truly encapsulates that feeling of tossing around in your bed at 3am, not being able to sleep and thinking about every single mistake you've ever made, every single mistake you're going to make and not knowing where to go or what to do.

Whenever I listen to this song (and that's literally every day), I get the feeling that he's struggling through the entirety of it. Not sure how else to explain it, but I feel as if I'm listening to someone living through a panic attack alone in the middle of the night while trying to calm himself down, yet it's getting progressively worse anyway.

To summarize this insanity: Due Vite sounds like an inner monologue of a person in pain. And whenever I'm listening to it while sad/anxious, it sounds like my inner monologue.

So, yes, this song has been quite a journey for me; it went from: "my least favorite Italian entry of the past decade" to one of my favorite songs of this year's Eurovision, if not my favorite.

[abandoned-as-mustard]

Wednesday review (spoilers)

That's it??? They just ended it like that???!!

I must say, this show's editing was choppy at times. VERY choppy. I have no idea what time of the year it's supposed to be, but shows don't seem to care nowadays.

Also it wouldn't have KILLED them to make a longer season! 8 episodes really wasn't enough to delve into that. EVERYTHING was just plot plot plot. If this show was made 15 years ago we'd have at least have shenanigans caused by a different set of outcasts every week, character-central episodes, delving into mythology and secret rooms and actually fleshing out the romantic interests, giving them moments that would actually make me feel bad for big reveals and betrayals, and when something really plotty happens (like a small detail) unexpectedly, THAT'S when you can point your finger and go OOOH!!!!! And it would at least be 16 episodes long.

Fun fact: Tyler was hottest when he was threatening Wednesday at the police station 🤭 oh, and covered in blood, too.

As for the relationships themselves: I really appreciated the friendship arc of Wednesday and Enid. No, I don't ship them.

Enid and Ajax: they are cute. He needed more lines. And when is he going to be used to defeat evil? And why didn't his beanie ever ... ya know. Hiss? Little moments that remind us he's got snakes under it.

Wednesday and tyler: where were our little moments??? When Tyler said 'I thought we liked each other', that was news to me. I like them, but at the same time, they hardly saw each other. I did like looking at him, but he really only had one bewildered expression.

Wednesday and Xavier (or *American accent* ex-avier): when she demanded why he liked her and he said 'what's there to like?' after how she treated him, he was never so right. I was expecting more moments to warrant a side of a love triangle, but there was no triangle. There wasn't even a friendship. There was Wednesday and tyler, and Xavier third wheeling like a kicked puppy. He had some good lines, though his delivery was.... a liiiiitle deadpan. But he'll get better, I hope. With some better writing, too.

And the powers: wouldn't have killed them to explain his powers more! So dad's a psychic, how does that translate to making lifelike art??

Also, he looked hottest when he was in paint-stained clothes in his studio 😍 that's probably just the artist in me. I actually really liked his art.

Plot: I spoiled myself on it, so I can't evaluate how well they foreshadowed. My brother watched it before me and he thought he had it 'all figured out' with guessing Xavier as the monster, but to be honest, they were so obvious with those misleading clues, which in itself gives it away. It probably comes down to how many shows you've watched: Tyler was either going to die, or turn out to be a freak.

Weems getting iced so easily? What was with that? Anticlimactic.

But YASS Enid became a wolf!!!

Also, crackstone just.... died? Like that? You're telling me all those randoms gave their body parts so he could spend 5 minutes terrorising a school, and he didn't even get to kill anyone?

And what the hell did Wednesday do with Ms Thornhill?

They were also very heavy-handed with all of their themes. You could tell when Goody Addams (as an unmarried paternal ancestor she shouldn't even have the surname, but that's neither here nor there) chucked out a few lines like 'we lived in harmony with the native folk', when crackstone and co. said things sounding like they were written by someone who was forced to go to catholic school at 12, when Wednesday spouted lines that made it hard to believe she did not spend time on Twitter, etc.

Just, man, I could write fanfic on the mythology that they couldve woven in with the literal vampires, shapeshifters, gorgons, sirens (SIRENS ARE NOT MERMAIDS, TIM BURTON!!! YOU COULDVE GIVEN THEM SICK WINGS AND CLAWS BUT YOU MADE THEM MERMAIDS WHILE BEING TOO COWARD TO CALL THEM THAT!) or the monster-of-the-week episodes we couldve done. :(

So overall TL;DR:

It was OK. Couldve been fleshed out more. Telling me there's another season isn't an excuse.

[deeisace]

Right I'm sposed to keep it a secret even from my mum but none of you guys know my dad so I can talk here yeah?

Readmore here cs there was more words than I thought I'd say, tw for drugs and idk I hesitate to say abuse but really I guess, in the past

So like a month or so ago he split up with his partner of like almost 20 years - which I am upset for her, obviously, but also happy for dad tbh cs she um she still drinks and and stuff where my dad has been sober for like almost 2 years now, and he's off his not-heroin meds I can't spell for um like maybe two months idk (he told me he stopped taking heroin the christmas I was 15, I think it was, and he's been reducing the meds slowly since he got like alcohol-sober) - so he doesn't want that sort of um in his life anymore, y'know, and they'd been growing apart and all that stuff idk what like that he says - tho she is very very upset and I totally understand why, and why my two eldest brothers/her two kids aren't talking to dad atm

Anyway, all of that

The bit I'm sposed to be keeping secret is that like a week later he's started seeing someone else

And is very happy and she doesn't drink and she's really lovely in every way - she's downstairs now, they're in the garage smoking but I haven't met her cs I've gone to bed - y'know y'know good fine she likes bungee jumping and they're doing a skydive together at some point idk

But like

Hm

I mean

This is. Well I think it's a fair comment. That I haven't made to him but might talk to mum about whenever I'm allowed to stop keeping secrets

I don't like secrets and I'm very very bad at keeping them so

Anyway basically like

He's just done what he has always always done which

Well his relationship with my mum, the way she tells it, was mostly her (18-22, pretty freshly out of a cult and all that) moving away from him to stop him stealing her rent money to pay for drugs and putting his mobile contract in her name, and then him moving back in somehow

And then she finally fobbed him off when I was 4yo, and he spent weeks turning up and like begging her to take him back, and then one day said "we're getting married" and mum said "what the fuck are you talking about. I've told you no. I've told you no every day." And he's gone "oh not /you/" like that's obvious, "Sophie" who the fuck is Sophie? Literally never heard a word spoke of her or anything until that moment. And they were married for a bit, I do remember her pretty vaguely

And then idk how that's ended tbh cs I,, was like 5/6 and obviously not paying attention (reading books so I didn't have to watch dad do the tin foil thing and pass out on the sofa/my bed again, probably, if I was around for any of it and not just at home at mum's (mum didn't know about "the tin foil thing" til I was like 12-ish, big ish I can't remember)), and then pretty immediately he's got with my stepmum/the partner he's just now split with, which I think mostly only worked because they were both completely muntered the entire time and she wasn't with it enough to stop him or he was manipulative enough to stop her stopping him from putting his every bill and credit card in her name ("what's this new bill?" "oh yeah you told me I could last week, don't you remember?" "no? oh I spose" "don't you? god you are mental" actual verbatim when I lived with them when I was 16)

Anyway like now they're sober (or in her case a lot less drunk etc - which is admirable, she has got a hell of a lot better) he's gone, ah don't want that in my life, next

Which I mean

Big sigh

It is understandable that he wants to change his life, y'know, he doesn't want those influences any more, I get that - and I don't know what their like personal relationship was like, recently, because I (thankfully, tbh) don't live here and I've never talked to her much more than I needed to tbh she's,, a lot even when she's not drunk or whatever else - but it does seem. A bit unfair to say the very least. To her, y'know, for him to immediately be seeing someone else a week after they've split up - tho she doesn't yet know that

It just seems,, callous, to be so quick

And I've not met this new woman yet - I'm glad he likes her, but I hope she's not as easily um taken in and manipulated as his previous relationships have been

Mum's not, any longer - it took her 20 more years to get out of a differently-awful/manipulative relationship, but she's. She's really actually good now, and strong in herself, and living how she wants to (and shagging her neighbour from last summer in a fwb "definitely not a relationship and I hope he doesn't think I want that" kind of way, lmao congrats mum)

I don't know if dad leaving my stepmum won't just push her right back to more drinking and drugs again, I can't imagine she's coping well, really - she's got her sons, and friends about her, and nothing I say would be of any any use, even could I think of anything to say, and she wouldn't want to hear it anyway because she never liked me much either - but I hope that doesn't happen

[pinkvelve]

some tag i found..wee woo wee woo we

2. Age: 20 😊

3. City that you live in: right in thid moment fc co

4. What do most people not know about you?: i think russia is the coolest country ever

5. What do most people know you for?: being insane

6. Hobbies: listeing to music from seven years ago...reading...reading something different...writing

7. What are your passions?: psychoanalyzing people

8. What do you search for in a significant other?: also being insane

7. What are you most proud of?: having new jeans in my top five literally every week

8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?: save me just came on

9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?: maybe stickers i guess. or notebooks

10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.: TEN?

northern lights

live in spain

ride a train

go to japan...omfg so bad..

read all of jjk

paint somethinga ctualy good

russia

GO to bts concert..

make this dumb clock i keep putting off

go austria/swiss

11. What was the last thing you learned?: dude idk actually my dad was telling me about the grand canyon earlier and he said if the damns were let back out the water would be so poisonous it would kill all the natural environment of the canyon. so

12. How many relationships have you been in?: girl you mean SITUATIONship

14. Turn offs: constant validation

15. Favorite food: onigiri

16. Favorite drink: chai

18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?: i'm bipolar

19. Do you sleep during class?: actually no...i don't know how that's possible. now listening to music is a different question

20. What is the most expensive thing you own?: probably my computer i guess

21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?: a pencil? or tissues..

22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?: ELRIS? HERE I AM

23. Text or call?: do NOT call my phone

24. Opinion on long distance?: np for me

25. What is your definition of success?: not wnting to d!e

26. Favorite song?: OHHHright now...uhhh...tumblr girls or champagne coast

27. Favorite artist?: new jeans geazy childish gambino

28. Celebrity crush/crushes? male: kim taehyung female: karina

29. When was the last time you read for fun?: literally fifteen minutes ago

30. Favorite flower?: in bloom by zb1

31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?: not something i'm writing on this.

32. Any guilty pleasures?: snapchat

33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?: i wish i would listen to more music instead of the same EFFINg songs

34. What do you search for in a friend?: not being fake

35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?: i love you by 2ne1 comes in my mind for no reason

36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?: costco...........

37. Why do bad things happen to good people?: because people ARENT GOOD AND BAD.

38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?: left out omfg. what do yall know about that

39. How many green shirts do you own?: DUDE SO MANY

40. Do you like anime?: i cannot tell you how many sukuna edits i liked earlier

41. What do you invest the most time in?: reading dumb things writing stupidthing s

42. What was the name of the last book you read?: YALL DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS...omfg... eternity enshrined by apartment

43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?: for me its like if they haunt you. then you are in love 😊

44. Where are you most productive?: the library

47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?: sorry i skipped some

48. Do you have any allergies?: sometimes my body just shuts down wjen i eat things

51. What was your last dream about?: i genuinely have not remembered any of my dreams for like two months

53. How many countries have you visited?: cinco

54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.): ALL OF THE LISTED ONES.

56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?: that's a good question

56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?: i would just know? tf

57. Do you consider yourself mature?: honestly no

58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?: like five maybe

59. What is your favorite quote?: WAIT...goes to pinterest board

dude like. omfg

60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?:

gojo satoru

fushiguro megumi

ryomen sukuna

62. Do you believe in the death penalty?: yes actually

63. What are your goals for life?: spain

64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?: girl...i know what they're doing

65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.: i just answered this spain

66. What were you like in 2013?: happy asf because it was 2013

67. Do you have a job?: JOBLESS 💜

69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?: NO MORE Inflation

70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?: probably like fifteen

71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?: no tf it's ao3

72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?: girl anything

73. Does money equal happiness?: its part of it

74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?: i'm experiencing it right now listening to that one laboum song

75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime? last december when taehyung and jk enlisted

77. When was the last time you looked at the news?: actually my mom had the news on when i walked downstairs today. there was a shöotīng in aurora if anyone is shocked by that

78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?: gojo satoru

79. What is your favorite animal?: swiss mountain dogs

80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?: ALREADY DONE? where's my check

82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?: well right now it's 3:20 so that's a really good question

83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?: maturity is a dumb word

84. What is your favorite clothing store?: ragstock

85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?: neither

86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?: bitter sweet just came on

87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?: dude yes

88. What do you fear the most?: rejection

89. How many digits of pi can you recite?: 3.14..5 ?

90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?: 2016 ONE BILLION TIMES OVER

91. Describe yourself in one word.: stupid

92. Describe your last victory.: not crying when run came on

95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?: i do not want to know what would happen to me if i remembered everything in vivid detail

96. Have you ever broken a bone before?: no 💛 the power of infinity

97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?: it's the same thing

98. Coffee or tea?: chai

99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?: listening to loona

100. karina

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Two, Part 1

-465 "I didn't say it'd be good for us." "Chris?" Dr. Sarah Fischer said, holding the door to her office open. I pulled down my headphones and set down the month old People magazine I wasn't really reading on the table next to me. Back on to a pile of old magazines. I always wondered why waiting room magazines were always weeks behind, if not months. I stood up out of the uncomfortable waiting room chair I had been slouching in and headed through the door.

I'd been seeing her since I moved to Milwaukee, off a recommendation from my old therapist in Oconomowoc. I knew, even with the move and fresh start, I'd have to continue in therapy. Keep some grip on my moods. Plus, I take Lithium Carbonate as one of my nightly cocktails. Lithium use needs to be monitored every couple of months. I had no choice. My head wasn't safe for me if I didn't. My body could become very unsafe if I didn't. And so, I did. Every other Thursday for an hour, I sat in the same chair, stared at her and tried my damnedest to be open and truthful about everything.

Therapy doesn't work if you do nothing but lie to your therapist. Trust me. I know this.

Sarah wasn't a bad looking woman. She was short, like 5'5" with heels kind of short. But she was warm, inviting and extremely good at her job. At least, she was with me. She didn't let me get away with any bullshit. Which is exactly what I needed. She makes me talk.

I sat down in the same chair I sat for every single appointment. I didn't realize the chair I sat in the first time would be the only spot I would ever sit in. Apparently, I'm a creature of comfort. She pulled a rolling desk chair up in front of me and sat down. In her right hand was a clipboard with a yellow legal pad. You know the ones.

Her office wasn't very large. A desk sit in one corner of the room, at a slight angle. A laptop sat open on top of it, and next to that was a monitor connected to the PC below the desk. Otherwise, her desk was papers and forms, and in one corner a small cactus that she probably got at Walmart or something. The only plant that is hard to kill with forgetfulness. Against the wall was a large bookshelf, filled with psych books and the DSM 4. That one was just about outdated. The DSM 5 would be approved in December of that year. I had a brief period where I was rallying into mental health issues. Like the types and how they can affect a person's life.

"How are we doing today?" She asked. This is how every single meeting I had with her started. The ceremony had begun. Now came the ritual. Our quiet little war dance.

"I'm doing pretty good, I guess," I had learned a long time ago, that if you want to get something out of therapy, you need to tell the truth on every single question. Even the one's that seem so small can have serious consequences down the line.

"Anything new?"

"Kind of. Maybe. You know what, I have no idea," I said. Even though I had been in therapy three years, I still had issues fully opening up. At least at the start of each session. It was as if I had forgotten how to talk. It never lasted long, but it was still odd.

"I met someone the other day. An actual breathing and living girl."

"Oh really? As in a friend or something different." She was scribbling already.

"I say that it was just friends, but Chad says it was more than what I'm seeing." She knew about Chad already. She knew where Chad stood in my life at this time.

"Well, what happened?" She jotted another line on to the pad.

"I literally ran into her. I wasn't paying attention...Oh, I've officially dropped out too. Guess I should mention that." I had dropped out. I had forgotten about that already. It didn't seem important anymore.