#no i won't delete and i won't accept that i'm being too much of anything for talking back

[desvoeux]

different anon and a certified taylor hater, but ur being way too defensive about this. they were just asking if you could tag it, delete the ask and move on. talk about swift’s wrongs (pls do more), but u don’t have to give attention to anons who won’t listen ijbol

[irawhiti]

man there is really no way out of poverty huh. like for real.

[sugarlywhispers]

the fall | b.katsuki - prohero!reader goes undercover

☆– warnings; heart breaking ANGST, a bit of comfort, not a happy ending or well, it is, just not the one you expect, vulnerable!Bakugou Katsuki.

☆– a.n; i don’t know how many times i have deleted, rewritten, deleted again and rewritten again this piece lmao i consider it a win the fact that i just finished it xD also, i don't know if this will have a continuation… thou there’s a high chance that it does because i loved the way it ended lol enjoy <3

If Bakugou Katsuki could be properly honest he would openly admit that being a Pro Hero sucked , approximately eight times out of ten. Mostly it wasn't for the times injuries went worse than expected or felt worse as time progressed and the getting old finally settled in the bones. If he could be entirely open about it, the worst part was when a hero had to take undercover work.

Bakugou hates it. He hates it so much, he could quit. And that was a realization that unsettled him, because this was what he had dreamt about since he was a shitty brat kid: kick shitty villains asses from left to right.

But he got to actually accept and admit this particular annoying, and again, shitty fact, his resentment about that specific part of the job, when it was your turn. When you had to go undercover, and so deep into it, that it had been two years… two fucking years, since he got any news about you.

How fucking dared you. He was–is your best friend, right? Then why not send him even a simple 'I'm okay, still alive' message. Not even a quick phone call where he could at least hear your breathing; he would know it's you, because he knew everything about you. Well–not everything as he would like to. But he was your friend, you had confided in him plenty of times, you had been his partner since you were a little brat from UA doing your internship and he was the newbie Hero in charge of you. You have been through good and shit together. Was it too difficult to just let him know you were fine, fucking alive? Were your new surroundings too dangerous for you to not give any signs of life to any of your friends? If it was dangerous, why the fuck haven't him, or Red Riot or even shitty Deku, been sent to help you?!

Bakugou took another deep breath, face laying over the stinky bar table, hand holding a glass of something he couldn't fucking remember Ejirou said it was. Probably a shot of tequila with lemonade, given the strong flavor in his mouth. Fuck, he wished it was something way more stronger, like firewisky or some shit like that.

"Mina was right. You do look like trash," shitty hair smiled, knowingly and even mockingly at him, which infuriated Katsuki more.

"Shut up, ass." He wasn't drunk, but he wished he was. Katsuki couldn't get drunk because he had patrols to run that same night, he was not an irresponsible asshole, no matter what and no matter who.

But he did wish he could drink himself to sleep. He hadn't been sleeping quite well lately– or more like over two fucking years. Katsuki sighs. He knows he is exaggerating. He knows you. You don't need him to worry about you, you can definitely take care of yourself and he has witnessed how capable you are of it plenty of times already. Damn, you once even kicked his ass for being a jerk– he won't admit it, but that was the day he actually started seeing you more than just a friend. Coincidentally, it was three days before you had to go undercover. What a bitch of luck.

"Todoroki said they were going to scout some of us to go look after her," that brought Bakugou's attention back, sitting up straight and looking directly at his best friend's serious expression on his face.

"I'm in."

Kirishima sighs, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Fuck you. I'm going..." Katsuki begins his protest but Ejirou doesn't let him continue.

"Katsuki!" Both friends look at each other's eyes for a moment without saying anything. Until Kirishima confirms out loud, "You love her."

The blond stays silent, not admitting or denying it, looking at his best friend's eyes that turned completely professional and determining.

"I will go." He presses firmly and with no room open for discussion, which makes Kirishima sigh.

The red head looks down at the glass he is holding with his drink, a cocktail that had a bit of ron and orange juice, as he plays for a moment with his fingers around it. He takes a sip of it, and after he puts the glass back on the table, he looks back at Katsuki's eyes and says, "I'm not here to invite you to go. I'm just being your fucking best friend in letting you know about this."

Bakugou growls looking elsewhere but his best friend, annoyed that he lost the discussion. He knows by Kirishima's stance and words he is not fucking going, and it innervates him.

He really doesn't want to think about it now. He doesn't want to think about you . He doesn't want to worry yet all he does is worry . For you. For your wellbeing. For the situations you probably have gone through, alone. Not with him around to take every blast he could for you. Not with him to kick some sense in that stubborn head of yours, and vice-versa.

Fuck. He worries so fucking much it is already affecting his head, his performance in battles, his everything. Katsuki had even taken more work than he should trying to keep his mind busy to not think about you.

Kirishima knows. He had known all the bullshit Katsuki was building up inside him for a while now. He always knew when something was off with his best friend. So he invited him to have some light drinks so they could talk a bit, even though that is the least thing Bakugou would ever do. Especially about his feelings. However, Kirishima knows. He has always known.

And he was not letting his friend alone to drown in his feelings.

Bakugou looks at his friend when he feels his hand grab his shoulder. The intensity in Ejirou's eyes makes Katsuki's throat tighten.

"I will bring her back."

"I'm-..."

The explosion makes the ground tremble, and it was enough to sober Bakugou and Kirishima up.

They don't hesitate to run out of the bar and towards the place where it came, where also everyone seemed to run away from. It took them less than three minutes to arrive and both of them sigh in relief when they see they aren't the only heroes at the scene, as even Deku was already there in his costume, holding at least four villains under him. Uravity was close, she had at least ten floating in the air with her Quirk, and was setting one by one on the ground again as another hero would catch and restrain them, before guiding them towards the police cars. The scene is pretty much under control, so that makes Katsuki relax a bit.

Ejirou moves to action, offering help wherever he could. Him and Katsuki walk towards Deku, helping him with the four under him that are struggling forcefully.

Deku smiles thankfully to his friends.

"There's the bitch," says the one Ejirou is holding from the back of his shirt.

"She's fucking dead," threatens the one Katsuki is holding, which makes him angrily manhandle the scum.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Fuck you, hero!"

Katsuki doesn't have time nor the patience for this, so he doesn't care when he pushes the villain inside the car way more forcefully than he should.

Deku comes running to them as the cars take their way, and he says hopefully, "Have you seen Y/N?"

Katsuki's entire being ignites at the mention of your name. The thought of just seeing you again makes something move inside his gut that is annoyingly satisfying.

"She's back?" Katsuki hates how hopeful his own voice sounded.

"Y-yes?" Izuku frowns, "Wait, you didn't know?" He looks at both friends perplexed.

"Know what?" Ejirou asks this time.

Izuku sighs. "This villain group was a big one that settled in America, where Y/N went undercover. They were planning to attack this base intending to rob the machine that scientists were creating that apparently could send someone to the past. This group wanted to go back in time to erase the source of Quirks, so they could control everything."

An unpleasant chill went down Katsuki's back.

"Y/N has been undercover all this time, working and proving herself so she could get in… She even got in the higher ranks so they would trust her and she could fakely guide them here, where there's nothing but a handful of heroes hiding in this abandoned building ready to catch them."

Deku sounds proud, which Katsuki could comprehend. Not that he would admit that out loud. But wait, that means…

"How do you know this?"

"She hasn't been in contact directly with me, Kacchan, but my agency has been in this case since the beginning and there were loops where she could send information. She couldn't be close to anything or anyone from here or she could have been in a huge danger. But one of my sidekicks has also been undercover with her. He was the loop. From what he told us, she climbed very high; with a Quirk like hers, I'm not surprised she was the only strongest in there. I wonder if-..." Deku went on and on with his mumbling in fascination with Quirks.

Katsuki rolls his eyes. He really doesn't have time to listen to him. He wants to find you, so he simply walks away in search of you.

Two years. It had been two years.

He ends up running towards the entrance of the building, looking around, eyes searching desperately for a sight of you. Heroes and villains around made it a bit difficult, coming and going, running and catching.

Until he finally sees you at a distance.

You are standing there, on the side of the scene, watching as every villain gets taken by some hero and put into custody of the police. The wind around is making your hair float to the side. You have dyed its color, which makes Katsuki think that no matter the color, you still look beautiful. You are beautiful, end of sentence.

But the expression on your face isn't the one of a Hero enjoying victory.

The villains were shouting stuff, and it isn't until he actually pays attention to what they are saying that makes him groan in anger. Why? Because they were shouting swears and threats at you.

And you simply stand there, not responding and receiving everything they throw at you. That makes Katsuki frown. You have never been that cold, that quiet against villains. Where was your fire? Your hatred towards those scumbags-good-for-nothing?

But then your head faced forward, in the direction towards where he was standing. Bakugou's entire being is shaking in anticipation, hoping, thriving for this reunion. Then he sees your eyes. Eyes that were colder than ice. Eyes that showed only a glance of how broken your soul was. And it hurts Katsuki's own heart to see you like that.

Your eyes didn't seem to recognize him at first. Like you were seeing a very distant and almost forgotten thought, a memory that had been pushed to the deepest part of your mind and now just watching him made your brain hurt while trying to figure out the memory.

You then realize it's him , your eyebrows shooting up in surprise and you smile slightly. A smile that doesn't reach your eyes. It is the kind of smile that means "cool to see you, but not very happy about it".

Your eyes go back to the scene, smile wiped from your face and the stoic, cold expression back on your whole being.

"It's The Fall," Deku suddenly appeared next to Katsuki, making the blond jump a little, which he faked it like he was just changing the weight of his body from one foot to the other.

"The fucking what?" Katsuki asks, a bit pissed that he got caught off guard.

"The Fall. When heroes go undercover, they have to pretend to be somebody else," Katsuki rolls his eyes exasperated.

"I fucking know what undercover means, Deku."

"You're not listening, Kacchan!" Deku turns to him, looking quite serious. "The Fall happens when the hero has to return, has to stop pretending to be someone else. And then, they find themselves with the question of whether whomever they were pretending to be was their real self or not."

Katsuki gulps. "I didn't-..."

"Of course you didn't, Kacchan. You have always been you. Fight or die. Hell, I even didn't, because I have always only wanted to be a Hero. But not everyone-..."

"Oh fuck," the blond swears, finally realizing. 

You are in a limbo. In trying to remember who you were, who you are and not; what you should do and not. The Fall was winning over you, as you suddenly moved to help a woman that apparently was on your villain team.

Katsuki doesn't waste time. He runs towards you, picking you up by the waist and walking away from the scene, towards the small alley next to the building, as Deku recaptures the other woman.

"Y/N!" He tries to reason with you as you start to kick him, arms and legs swinging in the air to try and catch him, hit him with all your might. "It's me! It's Bakugou! Katsuki!" You are screaming, not stopping to struggle, as he drags you away from everyone that could see.

"LET GO OF ME, YOU FUCKING HERO –..."

You stop every movement and scream as you realize what you just said. He finally gets to circle his arms around your chest, yours trapped under his big ones. Katsuki is breathing heavily. Fuck, he had forgotten how strong you could get.

"Hero," he repeats in your ear as you settle and relax a bit in his arms. Your back pressed to his chest, his arms holding you strongly. "I'm a Hero, Dynamight, Ground Zero," he said, "Great Explosion Murder God," he tries to joke, his throat tight and almost closed with emotions he was trying to hold back –this is not the moment for them–, saying whatever he could to help your memory remember him, "It's me, Y/N, Katsuki … Your 'Tsuki."

Sillence. Only your rapid intakes of breaths are heard between you two. Still, he doesn't dare to let you go. He feels like if he does, you will slip from in between his fingers like liquid, droplets of water impossible to tame or hold back. If he let you go, you are going to fucking disappear, like smoke impossible to catch, and fly very far away from him to never return.

Bakugou Katsuki is not willing to lose you again.

Your body starts to tremble as you sob, as you cry with all your might in Katsuki's arms. And his heart breaks for you.

"Shh , it's okay. I've got you, love. I'm here…" He soothes you, hands and arms holding you tight against his chest as you cry loudly. His hands start to caress the skin of your arms as he kept whispering into your ear.

Your cries are so intense and painful to hear for him, breaking every piece of his heart for you. He can feel your legs giving up, so he kneels with you on the dirty ground, not letting you go from his arms for even a second.

You suddenly turn in his arms, facing him. Yours surround Katsuki's neck and you hug him strongly, " Katsuki," you cry in his neck, and he wishes he was able to physically take the pain you're feeling right now and throw it very far away. Or even if he had the choice to trade it with you, he would. He would carry your pain, your sorrows, your everything, for you.

"I'm here. I'm here," he repeats as you cry, softly caressing your back with his hands.

Katsuki doesn't know how much time you waited there –now sitting on the ground, his back against a wall while you sat all curled up against his chest and in between his legs– but he notices everything is done and over when Deku peeks from a corner, holding his thumb up in sign that probably everyone had gone from the place. The blond nods, and Deku takes that as a sign that he could get close. His movements slow, careful to not startle you, put you still tense in Bakugou's arms when you hear footsteps.

"It's Izuku, love." Katsuki doesn't know where he learnt to be this careful and cozy with people, he thinks it's your fault. You have been the one who taught him so many things, that it actually doesn't surprise him when his big ass hands caress carefully and softly your head, reassuring you on that touch that it's okay to let go of him a bit. "Midoriya Izuku?" He tries his friend's real name, the one name he is sure you would be glad to hear–apart from his. But you simply respond by grabbing Katsuki harder, not letting go. "Hero Deku? Or… shitty Deku," he feels his chest puff in satisfaction when you try to hide your smile against his chest.

"Ha. Ha. Funny Kacchan…" Deku says, sitting on the ground right in front of you. Very different from you, Katsuki can not hide his own smile –not that he would even try to, which makes Deku roll his eyes and also smile. "How are you feeling, Y/N-chan?"

You exhale deeply; the long, tired sigh being answer enough, but you still say, "Like… all of this is a dream. Everything feels… surreal .” You gulp, finally pulling away a bit from Katsuki. He simply let you, hand still caressing your back in confort. “Like I’ll wake up any moment and be laying on the mattress on the floor in that one room apartment I live–used to… live.”

They both notice your slip as you frown and slide a hand through your lock in a clear frustrated sign.

“I don’t know… what’s fact and what’s fake anymore… I…” The tears fill your eyes once again, your hand now grabbing the beginning of your hair. Katsuki immediately grabs your wrist trying to make you let go. “I feel angry and sad… I feel devastated by what happened… But I also feel relief, and– I don’t know what’s the correct way to feel. I don’t fucking know who I am anymore!”

Katsuki hugs you again, rocking from side to side and hushing, whispering that everything is going to be okay.

He feels Izuku’s eyes on him, on both of you. And even if the fucker hasn’t said anything yet, Bakugou knows. FUCK. He fucking knows what his best friend is going to do. So he closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. Fighting his own tears back.

But he can’t hold them longer after he opens them and sees Aizawa standing at a distance. Waiting patiently. Katsuki hugs you tighter.

“Y/N-chan…” Izuku says, his gloved hand pressing on your shoulder to get your attention. “You need help. Until everything settles back into you, you need someone that can help you with this. Do we agree?”

You nod, crying and sniffing as you pull away again, and this time is Katsuki’s turn to not want to let you go. His arms grab you stronger for a moment as he hides his face on your neck.

He doesn’t want to let you go. He just got you back. He has so much to say and do and prove. He doesn’t fucking want to let you go again.

Katsuki is in denial, he knows. And he also knows he is the most selfish bastard alive for not wanting to let you go so you can properly heal. But everything he has gone, without you, and now having a little taste of getting you back, whether that be even half of you… FUCK! He definitely sounds like the most egotistic, selfish motherfucker of all.

When he’s about to finally let you go, he feels your hand tangle in the back of his head in his hair. And when his eyes find yours, he sees it. He sees the need you have of him, the sadness, the joy, the kindness, everything… He sees the want, the care, the despair . So many emotions it’s even difficult for him to maintain eye contact.

And he sees it. The love…

“If there's something I haven’t forgotten is how I feel about you. But you don't deserve the me of right now…” He shakes his head in denial, his hands holding your face and cleaning your tears with his thumbs. “I will get better… I will come back for you.”

You smile at him, and a simple action hasn't hurt so much as this. Like someone stabbed him with a knife on his chest, right where his heart is. And he’s left there, bleeding towards his death as you caress his cheek delicately one more time and stand up and walk crying towards your old teacher.

Katsuki knows it is for your health and wellbeing, but who’s going to convince his heart that this isn’t again the last time he sees you? That you will come back, that you will look for him in your return.

He brings his knees towards his chest, arms hugging them and hiding his face there. And Katsuki cries. Like a child.

He feels Izuku’s movement to sit next to him as one of his arms surround his shoulder, and he has never been grateful enough to the nerd for being the fucking best friend he has ever had.

Bakugou Katsuki doesn’t look at you parting, walking away from him. He can’t.

But he wishes he had.

[tubbypeddle]

Percy Jackson matchup trade with @vidimillion!!!

i dont know what happened, but my draft from before deleted itself after i closed it, so i had to start all over again 🥲

I have a new job, so updates might be far and few between. But i am working on the other requests in my inbox, too. my new job takes up a lot of my time, so i apologize.

i'm also looking into nursing school, because the economy here is god awful and i need a great income

anyway

(author's note: credits to all gif owners, of course. <3)

so you're a demigod. Big news.

It just sucks that circumstances have forced you into the clutches of Kronos.

There, you work under

Ethan Nakamura

At first, he wonders what such a soft soul like you is doing fraternizing with Kronos's forces. Kronos's army is not for the feint of heart, and yet here you were.

The more Ethan talks with you, the more at ease he feels. He's careful never to let anyone but you see this side of him. It's dangerous within Kronos's ranks to show any sort of weakness. It's why he admires you so much.

You're disarmingly sweet looking, compared to the average minion of Kronos. Very deceptively put-together. He likes the way your jewelry glints under the light of the fire. He's very awkward about showing affection, but he gifts you any jewelry he loots off of his enemies or monster that he's killed.

You're open about your interests, about how much you enjoy them, too. Ethan always sees you writing or reading in every spare moment you have.

Baking and cooking have never come easy to Ethan. He knew how to do the basic cooking, enough to keep him alive back when he'd been living on his own. It's a damn miracle that he met you, who likes to share the food you make so easily.

He'd almost call it weakness, how openly you give your food away. Food is hard enough to get on his own, so he won't complain that you love to give him your food. It's even better that your food tastes so great.

You're his go-to choice of a partner for sparring. He enjoys working out, it's one of the few things he can do well that he'd always been gifted at. He likes that you also enjoy sparring and martial arts. It's a good skill to have, he believes.

Ethan isn't really a big talker, so he likes that you can talk him in circles. He likes listening to you rant and ramble about anything you like, and he likes hearing about your interests.

He has no idea that you barely even speak around other agents of Kronos. When other agents tell him that you're so full of yourself, that you're rude and think you're better than everyone else, he actually thinks they're just spewing shit out their ass. Because what are they talking about? You've only ever been sweet to him.

You two spend all your spare moments together. He has no idea when the two of you went from friends that he had feelings for, to being something more. It's dangerous to talk about these kinds of feelings while working so close to Kronos, but he knows the two of you have wordlessly, mutually agreed that you two are together. A subtle shift that Ethan finds he doesn't mind at all.

He enjoys all of your pampering, even if he doesn't know how to accept it without feeling viciously uncomfortable. He loves that you care enough to shower him in attention. He tries to do the same for you, but he doesn't feel like it works very much. He's too awkward.

=-=-=-=

He's not the only person that I could see you with, though.

One Miss

Zoe Nightshade

finds your presence to be particularly soothing.

She's been a Hunter for centuries at this point. When you joined the Hunters, she was glad to have you, as she always is when a new Hunter joins.

But when she meets you, she's immediately smitten.

She likes the way your hair curls, the way you dress. She likes seeing the iconic silver of a Hunter glint over your skin. She likes the circlet that falls over your forehead, and she likes the way the rings and necklaces she gives you looks on you.

One of her favorite activities to do with you is to spar and train. She feels a little silly admitting this, but she likes seeing the way your body moves when you're swinging at her. She even likes it when one of you manages to pin the other down.

But she enjoys watching you bake and read and write just as much. She knows how to bake for herself. When someone lives for centuries on end, they have the time to learn whatever skill they want. She likes your treats more, though.

You're one of the few people she's shared anything about her past with. The only other person who knows everything about Zoe's past is Artemis herself.

The two of you can talk circles around each other when you find a mutual topic of interesting. She loves listening to you yap because she doesn't get to hear you do it often, and she likes yapping to you in return.

But she also loves the quiet moments between you two. It's an intimacy she had no idea she'd love. Vulnerability is fragile and dangerous when you're a Hunter of Artemis.

It's almost funny, how you two mirror each other in this regard. Zoe doesn't talk much to other people who aren't you.

Similar to Josephine and Hemethea from the Trials of Apollo, Artemis will allow you two to leave the Hunters under the loophole in Hunter law. The one that swears off men and not romance.

Honorary mentions!

Silena Beauregard

She's not so much into sports and athleticism, like you are, so she won't spar with you. But she loves watching you spar. She only works out just enough to

=-=-=-=

hello! good god, i feel bad for taking so long, but i promise i didn't forget about it (for that long, at least)

[nonbinarydeity]

Simplifying Manifestation/Shifting

Disclaimer: I don't mind if this isn't how you want to manifest. It's okay to have rules that make it work a certain way for you, it's okay to do things your own way. This is just how I understand manifesting now, and if it doesn't resonate with you, that's fine 🥰

So okay, I've been reading a couple of things from an amino user and I've realized so much more deeply what reality is and how to manifest and just everything. Please please please go read those posts because they explain it really well and I'm not an expert on this (yet!!).

Also I'm going to be focusing on my journey and I'm gonna be deleting the Tumblr app because there are WAY too many limiting beliefs on here. I'll do my best to answer questions about this today and tomorrow, then I'm offline for a while 🥰

The 4D and the 3D

So how I understand it now is different from what a lot of the community believes, but I swear that understanding this makes everything so much more simple and stress free.

The 3D is a reflection of your subconscious mind, which exists on the 4D plane. The biggest thing that people get wrong here is that the subconscious mind needs to be "programmed" a certain way. In reality, the subconscious mind is incredibly smart. It knows more about you and your desires than you do tbh. It's like your best friend, it's always trying to get you what you want, and it follows the rules you give it (more on this in a sec).

All you have to do to manifest/ shift is tell your subconscious mind what you want. That's literally it. You can even just say "I want xyz" and forget about it, and you'll get it.

When you ask for something, the 4D receives it and implements it right away. It gives the signal to the 3D to change, and the 3D does. Sometimes it takes a little while for the 3D to change all the way, but that's okay and normal! All you have to do is just wait and know that it's coming, you don't have to worry about doing anything else.

Rules

So the only thing that can get in the way of your manifestation/ shift is you. See, your subconscious mind follows every rule you give it, and humans have a tendency to put a LOT of rules on things, because that's what we're taught to do.

Say you're manifesting something, and it doesn't show up right away (because the 3D needs a little more time). You, being human, take that as a sign that it's not coming at all, and start assuming that something is wrong, or that you're doing something wrong, and you start putting all these rules in place trying to find an answer (think: I have to affirm more, I have to be in the wish fulfilled more, etc). Your subconscious then takes those rules you gave yourself and implements them, and suddenly it's taking longer to get what you want! This triggers a cycle of this (ask for what you want > don't get it right away > look for reasons why > make more rules/ change your rules > repeat) that can last for an infinite amount of time, until you're exhausted and give up entirely!

The key

From this, I hope you understand what you have to do. Literally, throw out your old mindset entirely and stick to these simple rules:

Ask and you shall receive. (Ask in this term could mean affirm, visualize, command your subconscious, etc)

Be patient. It might take some time but it IS coming to you!

Don't give up or accept that you'll never get it. The 3D could be seconds away from giving you what you want!

Most importantly: don't make a ton of rules for yourself!! Enjoy yourself, enjoy your time, be okay with the 3D for a little while because it IS changing in your favor. Don't force yourself to think about it 24/7, don't make yourself affirm every second of the day, etc!! All of that stuff is pointless! It won't get it to you any faster, if anything it'll make you doubt and spiral, which will lead to that cycle of self sabotage again. Just relax and let it happen 💕

And that's literally it!! Don't overcomplicate this, it's so important that you just relax and let it be for a little while.

I tried this during our walk today, and I had 4/4 successful manifestations (see a yellow car, see a green car, get paczki flavors I wanted [the ordering period was over, but I got the flavors I wanted anyways!!], find money [I started overthinking this, but I reminded myself that it was done, and we found it under a trash can of all things lol]) within my specific parameters (within our 30 minute walk to the store)! Literally all I did was say that's what I wanted and trusted my subconscious to give it to me, nothing else.

Outro

In the end, manifestation is not your job to do. Your job as a human being is literally just to enjoy life and ask for what you want. Everything else is your subconscious' job, and you don't have to worry about it beyond that!

Give yourself time and forgive yourself for overcomplicating it, because everyone does and that's normal and okay. We're human. We overthink. We overcomplicate. That's just what we do, and that's okay 🥰

I'm going to be answering asks about this post specifically for the rest of today and tomorrow, and then I'm going to be deleting the Tumblr app and focusing on my journey. I'll likely be posting again for updates and explanations of this once I understand it more deeply, but for now this is all you need to know!

[karlachismylife]

I woke up (was sleeping cuz I spent the night crying over fucking higher math, might go back to sleep for a little bit more cuz I don't wanna face the world and am still tired) and saw that my Russian words post was reblogged by a bunch more people I respect and look up to (that also happened in one previous wave of popularity that post gained a day or two ago). And like, first of all, I am intimidated by being perceived by people so way out of my league. Second, this definitely shows that there's a writing circle in this fandom of very talented writers and it's not that big. And while my ego definitely wants to somehow worm my way into that circle to be with the cool kids, I very much understand what a chasm separates my writing and their writing, so it makes me feel self-conscious about it again. Especially because I spent last days writing absolute silliness and all these people manage to write incredibly gripping, emotional and deep things. Like very psychological and smart and clever. And finally, I am a little scared to be seen on that scale and by some of those people, because they are so opinionated + well-spoken + have quite clear standpoints. And I am scared to be seen with my potentially problematic/bad/shallow character interpretations and very shallow texts. Cuz I won't be able to back it up substantially, won't be able to defend why I don't write deep enough/why I don't put in more effort/why I mischaracterize the characters so much. What if I actually wrote something problematic. I never intended to, but I might have just done not enough research and self-education. Or something. I don't know.

Obviously I am not actually visible on that scale, it's just one post with writing aid, none of my works reached those people. But what if. I am not smart, and I am immature, and I don't really have anything meaningful to offer. I am usually fine with this, like, I do believe there are also needed stories about raccoons being befriended through the power of cartoons and apple slices, or short fluff pieces with no plot other than two people loving each other and kissing. I am usually pretty comfortable in this niche.

But right now I just got such a strong wave if anxiety. And I know this is just a corner of the internet where no one even could name my full name and I have no chances of meeting any of you irl. But this is a place I want to belong to. I wanna be in the fandom, and I wanna be someone people know as, well, maybe the hyena CEO, or maybe as the fluff gorilla, or - my dream - as Karlach x Soap weirdo. Like. I wanna share what I have with people and be accepted. I feel so very grateful every time I get the feeling of being accepted from notifications, or messages, or asks, or anything. When people show interest and enjoy my things. I am anxious to lose it in case I turn out to be not good enough (which is the motto of my life). I'm pretty chill about being not good enough for many things, it's just facts and well, that's just me. But when it's about something I really really wanna be a part of, like the community here, this scares me, because this failure will hurt like a hundred others didn't.

I'm sorry for ranting, I might delete this later, I see the new asks guys and I will be trying to write something today, I just woke up and I'm a mess and it's not a real problem but it just made me cry for a moment. I'm okay, I'll be fine, I know I'm here to just enjoy myself and hope other people will too, so I'm not like going into hiding or anything. Just needed to say this, cuz whenever there's "fandom discourse" I am so scared I'm actually part of whatever problem people are discussing. And stuff. Yeah gonna go have a cup of tea and sleep a bit or at least lie down. I'm sweaty, temperature regulation is not a thing my body is good at, lmao.

Love you all so much, eternally grateful for all the love and attention I receive from you comrades. It feels incredible, today is just an anxious day.

[uncanny-tranny]

I'm trans nonbinary and I really kind of hate myself for it and feel like such a fucking freak and I don't even know why because I didn't even grow up around a lot of homophobia or anything. I let everyone assume I'm a (trans) man because in my head if someone found out I was nonbinary they would just think I'm so fucking wierd, even when I'm in spaces or with people I know for a fact wouldn't actually think any of that. I don't feel this way about anyone else, just me. I'm really sorry if this is too much of a vent kind of thing I totally get you deleting it or whatever, but any advice you have would be really great.

I want to preface this by emphatically saying: Nobody here (least of all myself!) are judging you. I am sure many trans people who are following this blog know how you feel intimately. It's a consequence of the world we live in, not an intrinsic failure of character. I want to make this clear because you were incredibly vulnerable and I don't want you to worry that your vulnerability is a bad thing. It takes a lot to open up like this, no matter if you're on anon or not.

I've talked about this before, but this is a process that takes... a long time to work through, if I'm honest. I've been out since I was a young teenager, and now as an adult I still fall into the trappings of feeling similarly to you. What helped for me is to generally avoid judging myself for when I do feel like this. I think trying to outright ignore how you feel is very inefficient - I have tended to be a person who needs to feel those awful feelings so that I can look back and notice exactly what went wrong. I wouldn't specifically recommend that you do this - I have had many years of combating internalized transphobia to feel this is effective for myself. But, regardless of where you are in your journey of internal acceptance, I will advise this: don't judge yourself for these feelings. It is easy to do, but you don't deserve to have even more feelings of shame, isolation, or overall feelings of hopelessness or helplessness.

Often, we won't know exactly "why" we feel these feelings of internalized transphobia. For me, I also didn't grow up with outright homophobia, but I did grow up with the idea that I would only be loved if I was cishet, so when I discovered I was neither, it was jarring. I thought I would never be loved. And years later, I became open to the idea that I might have been wrong because there were people along the way - friends, certain family, strangers, even - who showed the love I felt I surrendered when I realized who and what I was.

It has helped me to expose myself to other trans people, as well. It's a delicate balance, at times, because there are moments where I find myself growing envious of another trans person for the way I perceive their own transition. It's a natural response, I guess, a natural human response that is amplified when you are part of a group that is often maligned. But I have found that the pros outweigh the cons: I see trans people of all identities now, trans people who look like me, who have incredibly similar experiences, who taught me so much about what it actually means to love and be loved. It's funny, because I'm largely a trans man (with caveats), yet some of the people who have deeply impacted me forever weren't always the same as I am (in fact, one of the first true "I look up to this person" experiences was from a trans woman who I still to this day admire and look up to).

I'm not going to lie, this (how you're feeling) is an incredibly common, but sometimes devastating result of so many factors. While we all go about these feelings in different ways, it can be hard. Therefore, it's important that we support each other. I want to offer my support to you, and let you know that you aren't going to be looked at by others in the way you might fear. It's hard to even conceptualize, honestly, but I am being honest. I understand that some of what I might have said won't resonate with you now, or ever, and that's okay. When we have a community to talk about ideas as a way of support, we can start to have more resources that we might be able to utilize effectively.

Your vulnerability right now isn't going unnoticed. It took a lot to express this, and I hope you might read this and feel even slightly better. I wish nothing but good things for you, nothing but bountiful joy and understanding that you deserve so much from this world.

[luciluck2046-utdr]

Welcome to the (non) official

BLOG!!! (For short LUW)

This AU is my own idea. There may be some questions you may ask yourself, but first let me explain what this blog is for.

This post is the main one, I recommend checking it if you're new to this AU. Here I'll post everything Luci's Underwitch related. Or almost everything. I'll try. (I may have missed some art from my main acc, it is @artsycrow46)

Also, if you want to ask any character anything, on @lucisunderwitchasks you can ask them! Edit: The account was deleted and moved here(i have way too many accounts so I need to do some cleaning from time to time)

Let me give you a brief explanation of the AU. Luci's Underwitch is an AU where all monsters are actually humanized, being called Witches. Frisk is 12 during their travel around the Underground, doing the Pacifist Run, and in the end, accepting the job as the ambassador of Witches, but going 'home' to their dad. Chara fallows them pretty much everywhere, and likes Frisk very much, being besties.

Now several months fast forward, Frisk lives with the Dreemurr Family. Asriel (11 y/o) and Kris(5 y/o) are their siblings, and Toriel takes care of all of them, dating Sans (mhm, I'm one of them Soriel shipers).

Ten years later, Frisk and Asriel are at college, and Kris found out about the Dark Worlds!.. The year now it's 2025, and Kris with Susie are now at their homes, waiting for their siblings to come back from college for Easter! Scarlett is one of Frisk's best friends, maybe even more than friends! And Asriel is still single since he's autistic as fvck.

Toghether, Frisk (with Chara ofc), Kris, Asriel, Susie and Ralsei are going into a steampunk adventure in Frisk's closet.(all of this is happening after Chapter 2. I am going to play the next Chapters when they're out, and add them to another fanfic)

Under the cut you'll have more, and at the end there will be the questions.

'kay, the explanation wasn't that brief. I am going to make a comic about it, but I am still learning about how to draw perspective and hair sooooooo y'all won't get this soon.

I have two fanfics on the way with this AU, and a third one might appear after I finish the second.

The main fanfic is called Lost Souls, The First Part explaining different events from Frisk's life after they got out of the Underground, and The Second Part is going to fallow the two humans into the closet adventure! (The closet has nothing to do with lgbt, but the fanfic surely has a bunch of lgbt in it)

I might upload several chapters in a day, or forget about it for weeks. If anyone wants to read more and I haven't uploaded a new chapter in a long while, uhhhhh tell me? (My dumbass my forget fast)🫡🫡🫡

The link to it? I might add an AO3 link too after I figure out how to use that website-

The second fanfic is called Underground Adventures, fallowing Frisk trough the Underground. This one will be out all at once, not by parts, so it's no worth to put the link here.

Now the third fanfic. It's going to be called Runes And Adventures. It's going to be abt Kris in the dark world, during Chapter 1-2. The Chapters 3-4 are going to get a separate fanfic, since they're gonna be AFTER the steampunk adventure. I am not even working on how to write it or any ideas, since it's going to take a long time, and it's not the biggest deal. I might not write it at all, since you get to see most of Kris's interactions in the game already, but who knows?

NOW!!! The possible questions(since I can't say FAQ)

1. Why is it called Luci's Underwitch?

Well, it was supposed to be called Underwitch. But apparently that exists already so I had to add my name to it. TwT

2. How do the characters look?

Well, if you've been on my main, @luciluck2046, you would see a bunch of fanarts, but I'll post them here too a bit later.

3. Comic?

Not yet. I suck.

4. Inspiration?

I got inspired to make this AU after I finished TOH(The Owl House), and also I liked the idea of humans with magic that UnderMate has. So yeah, I kinda combined those two with Undertale and my creativity, and I got this AU!

Reference sheets

Welp, it seems you got to the end of the main post! I might update this often, but who knows? See you later my friend, and have fun reading!

[kanene-yaaay]

The Time

Heya heyaaa

Oof, thing feel really serious when I put a title javagcwwuvwdodj but! It's a proper moment to use a title here, I think. After all, I came to say goodbye.

Yeah, who would think ahfwtwcev

I have been thinking and pondering about this for some months now, since June when That Stuff happened and I had to jump away from here and uhhh it feels corny to say that but a lot of things changed to me and I changed a lot together with everything too.

So, I think it's my time to let this blog go. Not because I feel bad about it now or anything but... I am no longer that attached to tickling to maintain it. It's still cute, playful and comforting, but it is now a part of a lot of other things that are just as cute, playful and comforting to me.

This blog had a good run and I'm incredibly grateful because of it. Six entire years, if I am not mistaken, and I won't delete it anytime soon so the numbers will keep going! For as long as it wants or it is allowed to. All my fics, my headcanons, my rambles and reblogs will stay here because I don't want nor have the heart to delete it. There are such amazing, wonderful and well created arts and stories in this community that deserve all the attention and all the screams.

And! Talking about that! The people! I would like to say the biggest and most heartful thank you that you could ever imagine. Full of big hugs and smiles. I've met awesome people here that I will forever hold dear in my heart. Thank you for the company and the fun and for being so lovely and inspiring to me, all of you. It doesn't matter if we talked for years or minutes, thank you very much. It was so cool! @oliviaischillin1204, @august-anon, @flames-tstuff, @soft--valentine, @honeydew-sillies, @carrie-tate, @trashyswitch, @rosileeduckie, @squeaky-n-blushy, @why-not-a-tickle-blog, @thetickleeraven, @a-fluffer-nutter, @fluffyskies, @just-open-the-fridge-yo, @fluffystuffies, @ijustliketickling, @veryblushyswitch also everyone that is no longer in the community. If you see this, I remember you! Big hug!

And thank you so much for all of you that supported my blog and my work in any and every way. Commenting, reblogging, liking, sending askys about it... It really meant (and means!) a whole lot to me and Def is one of the reasons that kept me creating for so so long and so so much. It was the reason I stopped feeling so self conscious about my English and helped me to try new things and scenarios. Please accept this cookie as a token of my appreciation 🍪 I love to see all of your rambles or just your icon appearing on my notifs.

Also, how could I ever forget the artists and writers that make this community such a fun and colorful space? All the thanks and all the screams and rambles to all of you. Creating is so hard and yet you just come here and do such a wonderful job! How dare! I still think about your creations in my daily life, believe me ahcwgwxwhwcwfcw @ticklepinions, @intheticklecloset, @jettorii, @ssnicker-doodles, @giggly-squiggily, @simplysmilingdrew, @tiklart, @otomiyaa, @verynickelpizzarascal, @fbpanimations and much much more, tbh all the beans that I got shy to tag kjhgfdefghj

Hmmm, I think that this is what I wanted to say. To be honest, writing fics w tickling in it still feels comfortable and cool, so I will probably appear from one year or other to post something and vanish again ahfwtwxwowyq but yeah, can't really say that there will be much interaction besides that. I had that Big Post full of arts and fics that I love that I wanted to post before going but no energy dfghjhgf maybe one day I will finish it and post oh well

Anyway. One of the things that I always tried to bring here was that every creator should have at least one nice comment soooo if ! You think about me or this blog! Consider giving a comment or a quick rb to some artist/creator/blog that you really like, bet it will bring a smile to the bean's face! :D

Okay, okay, enough of rambling. It was incredible. Thank you! Hope you have a lovely week and don't forget to be kind, take care and drink water. Byee <3 <3

[kissesandarsenic]

TASK RULES

Last Updated - 18th of Sept. 24

The following must be read before sending in a task, any rules ignored will result in your request being ignored or in extreme situations, you being blocked.

YOU MUST BE 18 OR OVER TO REQUEST A TASK. PUT YOUR AGE IN YOUR BIO. IF I FIND ANYONE WHO IS UNDERAGE ON MY BLOG OR AGELESS BLOGS, YOU WILL BE BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY.

Please remember I am playing a role. I am not your Domme, you are not my submissive. This is kinky fun for those who like being bossed around. You are under no obligation to do the task I give you if it makes you uncomfortable.

WHEN REQUESTING A TASK - Tell me what sort of thing you'd like, what toys/items you have that you'd be comfortable using and what your limits are if you're on anon or don't have a dedicated pinned post on your blog. The vaguer you are, the more dificult it is for me, and I may be inclined to delete it.

Gender identity can also be useful for terms of endearment I use, otherwise I'll default to they/them and gender neutral terms.

Please limit task requests to once per week. I don't want to get worn out from this. Also do not ask for time sensitive tasks, I'll get to them when I get to them.

TASKS I WILL GIVE MAY INCLUDE - -Instructions on porn to watch/listen to -Bodywriting -Light Painplay (maybe more if we've talked and I know your limits) -Edging/Denial -JOI -Crossdressing -Filming/photographing yourself -Non-Sexual Objectification -Intelligence Play -Exposure (nothing that will affect your life outside of Tumblr) -Watching/listening to hypnosis files

HARD LIMITS: TASKS I WILL NOT DO - -Watersports/Scat/Diaper Play, basically anything pertaining to the bathroom -Anything illegal -Intoxication -Anything controlling food intake -Extreme Painplay -Sissification (temporary feminzation is fine, the sissy thing just drains me) -Tasks involving other people who have not consented to being part of a play -Keyholding, that leans too much into "I am your Domme" territory and I don't want that. -Hypnotise/brainwash you (I don't know HOW) CLARIFICATION - You can be into the above things (minus the illegal gross shit like kids and animals) and I'm fine with you interacting/following me. I just won't assign tasks for it.

I will add to the above lists as I think of more. You may request tasks for certain kinks if they are not on my hard limits, but if they're not something I'm interested in, I may ignore them or even add them to the Hard Limits.

THINGS THAT WILL MAKE ME IGNORE YOUR REQUEST/BLOCK YOU -

-Bigotry, this includes using offensive terms/slurs against minority groups. I don't care if it's accepted in some circles, it isn't here. - Ignoring my Hard Limits - Spamming me with requests or to hurry with assigning a task. I am fine with people letting me know how their tasks went/are going! But don't keep saying more please, more please if my task isn't enough for you. - Being creepy/obsessive/too familiar towards me in a way that isn't obviously RP, or has been stated as RP. If you're off anon, I'll reach out privately and check in. If you're not, you're getting ignored until you reach out and clarify. -Outright being a dick. I reserve the right to decide what that looks like.

I'll repeat here that I DO LOVE GETTING UPDATES ON TASKS. And I don't mind coercing "embarrassed" subs as well. Though if it goes on a bit too long, I might just stop replying and let you get desperate enough to do what you wish.

Also, feel free to do tasks assigned to other people! I put a lot of time into coming up with them so if they get more use than just the one person doing them, all the better! And please let me know how they go. I love to hear about it :)

Have fun!

[matheoxs]

LITTLE BIT OF VENT?? Scroll if you don’t wanna read..

Just cut off this girl, some of y'all know I was trying to manifesting my sp, but stopped cause like this who used to date me said she wanted to make things work again. We broke basically, but we were still friends, and we both still like each other, basically a situationship.

This fucking girl ruined my fucking life, okay? While we were trying to make things work cause it didn't work last time, and while we were making things work, she went on sending pics to another guy. So, I asked her, "Did you think of me while sending it? Like did the thought of me give you courage to not do it?" She didn't even fucking respond to that text. She will always put blames on me cause she doesn't like being the "bad guy." God, I did everything for this girl, but she wasn't looking at me, she was looking at other guys. She didn't make me feel seen and wanted like im supposed to be your man??.

When I'm saying I did everything, I'm saying from the bottom of my heart. Even when I was crying, I was still trying to listen to her. Even when I felt like my heart was broken, I was still listening to her problems. It didn't matter what I have going on and what I'm feeling, I still did stuff for her. I loved her unconditionally, even after the pics. I fucking forgave her, and look, I did some bad things too. I apologize for it. I tried to change for her, but she was never patient with me. Whenever I'm around her, I feel this feeling like I need her in my life, and if she's out of my life, I won't be able to live. This shit has been going on for fucking 3 years, yeah, 3 fucking years talking with her.

The truth is, I didn't need her, and that made me realize who I am. Like, what the fuck am I doing? I think the reason why I couldn't manifest my dream life is because of the feelings the relationship was giving me. It distracted me, made me think the opposite, or maybe I'm just assuming?

But anyways, I blocked her, deleted the pics she sent to me, well, yk, those kind of pics (I never asked if she just send it to me cause she felt really comfortable around me and safe) . And cause that's not who I am, I don't go posting people's bodies online. No matter how much a person gets me mad, I will never reveal that shit, cause that person trusted me with it.

Now, I feel like me, l feel like I can manifest my dream life. I feel like I can do anything, and I am going to get it cause it's supposed to be mine.

And no im not gonna manifest her back I don’t like being disrespected but I will manifest that my relationship with the sp to be healthy cause god im tired i did so much but im not gonna stop right? Like will a person who’s living their dream life will be accepting this ? No.

[silverhallow]

So i've got a little personal thing to share with you guys...

i'm sharing it because i've said it on other blogs but I feel the need to be honest with you all about it all as it is going to affect my writing and everything going forward...

I'm pregnant.

not very far along, about 6 weeks, and I know it's early to be sharing this but i'm sharing it now for the following reasons...

My morning sickness is fucking horrific and really draining me so i'm struggling with exhaustion and dehydration and all the rest of the fun and games that comes with it...

I've got baby brain already, or it's at least what i'm calling it...

i've got a foggy brain so i'm sharing shit from the wrong accounts, not thinking straight and just... can barely remember what i'm doing half the time...

which is what is affecting me and my writing.

I've got all 45 chapters of WWWY finished and only a few chapters left to write of Muses though I am up to like chapter 40+ so that's nearly done...

as for Days Gone By and Power of Love...

i am aiming to get Days Gone By finished with it being around 10 chapters before I write anymore of Power of Love... where I will aim to write til it's finished.

I will NOT be starting any new AU's until these are done and it will be one story at a time.

that is not to say I won't be writing prompts and drabbles and stuff but they will be taking a backseat.

I want to get my stories finished before I do anything else.

i've got two questions left in my Inbox (a starstruck question and a one about Anthony and Sophie and Benedict) as i had a minor panic attack whilst stressed earlier in the week after throwing up all weekend and deleted everything that was in there and I was so close to deleting my account after getting some hate for the first time in months on Monday.

So if you had sent me anything please feel free to resend it...

but please be warned. my smut muse is currently on strike... and anything else may take time.

Bridgerton Smutmas 2023, at this moment in time, will not be happening as I am going to far too tired to organise it as i'll probably be around 7 months pregnant...

but please be kind to me over the next few months, I am going to need you to be understanding and accepting. i am human and i am growing another human... so please...

I hope you guys can support me through this, so that i can continue to be part of this fandom even after the little Bub arrives...

Much love

Ash x

[greenandsorrow]

Requests are currently; CLOSED

Things to consider ✨🧚‍♀️

First things first, send your request ONLY WHEN REQUESTS ARE OPEN. Otherwise, it'll probably be deleted or extremely delayed.

I need to be familiar with the character/fandom in order to accept your req. I've dedicated a whole post to list off which fandoms/characters I write for.

I have the right to decline/delete your request if I can't see myself writing it. If you're rude and/or demanding, I won't accept for sure.

I usually don't do ships between characters, unless I'm super intrigued by them.

I mostly write fem!readers and gn!readers. I've never written a male!reader, but I'm willing to try!

I'm not fond of aging up underage characters for smut's sake. Not at all.

I write platonic, sfw and nsfw fics and I'm okay with most kinks. (Dub-con tropes have a much higher risk of being declined.)

One shots, (n)sfw alphabets, headcanons, drabbles, my thoughts and descriptions are all things you can ask for freely.

I don't accept anything that has to do with harmful, too triggering or literally illegal themes (r@pe, p3dophilia, racism, homophobia, excessive gore, necrophilia, incest, etc).

I'll never write for piss and scat, nor about master/mistress and slave/pet dynamics.

I'm not doing pregnancy tropes rn!

Details help me understand what you envision!!! Specify the gender of the reader, the setting, whether it's an established relationship or not. Anything particular you want to see in the finished work.

Be nice when requesting:) I'm a human being with emotions after all! I want to feel respected by you, so we can communicate better.

Tips are deeply appreciated for my hard work!

With love, Ophelia 🩷

the masterlist

fandoms & characters

*my paypal link can be found on my masterlist & fics

[wilbyscoot]

Hello. I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't been active in quite some time. Or, well, if you haven't, now you have. Sorry that I am only now returning and only to tell you that I will be “leaving” permanently.

I'm only here now to address something. Yes, it's regarding the situation with Wilbur Soot. I don't want to go into too much detail about it. If you know, you know. If you don't, sorry you had to find out this way. All I can say is, I'm no longer comfortable when it comes to things relating to him.

I wanted to come back to this blog, even coming up with an idea to write a fic for my return. I've really missed talking to my friends and my mutuals, you're all amazing and wonderful. But I've found that I don't really want to go back here, at least not in this blog. And now, with the terrible news about Wilbur, I'm starting to lean even more to the idea of not coming back here.

I've read and seen the things people are saying about him with my mutuals and people I followed. People are slowly leaving or taking a break from their blogs. It hurts seeing my friends get attacked for it and it hurts even more knowing that they're having a terrible time over this. This is meant to be a safe space.

And before you say anything or start attacking me in asks, in no way am I saying that the things people said about Wilbur are true. We do not know the identity of the person Shelby was talking about and we can't be sure until she's confirmed it herself, which she has every right not to if she could. Even so, I still want to be safe.

Wilbur had been a huge inspiration for me. He brought me comfort and joy, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have made so many friends that I could share an interest with. But with everything that's been going on, whether it is true or not, I do not feel comfortable being associated with him anymore and this blog was created based on him, which makes me feel uncomfortable going back to.

I haven't been here for a long time so I can't say I've seen everything. But I just wanted to quickly say this before things take a worse turn. Plus, I've slowly grown out of my interest for Wilbur Soot (if you haven't already noticed by the huge lack of content last year).

So, I've decided. I'm going to start over. I've made a new blog that I've been running for a while (well, there's not really anything there yet) and I've been thinking of moving there permanently. Yes, it is the blog I was talking about in my introduction. Though, it's not just going to be a writing blog now, it's going to be filled with a bunch of other stuff.

The new blog is completely different. You will see a new side of me you haven't before. More fandoms, more content, more media and franchises. And less of MCYT. For the sake of myself and everyone's comfort, I won't be sharing my blog with you all right now. I'm only going to share them with SOME of my friends and mutuals. Maybe if I'm a little more comfortable with opening it up to all of you one day, I'll come back to announce it. Or maybe you'll end up finding it on your own. Who knows. Either way, if you ever find my new blog, please don't mention anything from this one. I would like to keep them totally separate.

I won't be deleting anything from here. I'm keeping it as an archive. I won't do anything to this blog other than state that I will no longer use it. Maybe I'll come back here one day just to completely change everything, but that is not a plan of mine right now.

If you specifically want to keep in touch, let me know! (I don't mind if you still create content with Wilbur, that's not a big deal for me) My DMs are open right now but they won't be for long. Keep in mind, I might not accept everyone (especially if you are a minor, I will decide very carefully about this). While my blog will still be SFW for the most of it, I can't promise that it will always stay that way in the future. Please practice viewer's discretion. I also have a Discord! This is only open for my friends and mutuals (sorry!!), but I might accept friends of friends!

I think that's all I really want to say. If I have more to add, I will. If you have any questions, send me an ask or DM me! Again, I might or might not leave this blog for good sooner than expected. If you're seeing me for the first time and you want to follow me in my new blog, feel free to as well! This is not just for my old friends and followers. I'd love to see new faces!

That's all I want to say. Thank you so much for the wonderful memories and the laughs. You are all wonderful and I will not forget you. I hope we may cross paths again in the future.

Lots of love,

Alex

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[stellar-constellations]

Requests rules masterlist!

My inbox is OPEN, if you wish to request, there are certain rules!

I WILL WRITE:

Fluff

Hurt/comfort

Platonic

Female reader

G/N reader

Yanderes (whether it'd be yandere x yandere, or yandere x willing! darling) {Soon, I will post my own yandere OC's for darling's}

Gore

Blood

Girl x Girl

Boy x Girl

Dead Dove

I WILL NOT WRITE:

Big age gaps (5 years or more)

Any incest or stepcest whatsoever

Bodily fluids such as piss or scat

Pedophilia

Student x teacher

Pure angst

Smut/NSFW

Boy x Boy (I have no experience in writing this)

Sex worker or prostitution

OC's or reader's too specific (strict appearance, closed backstories with little to work with, etc) when it comes to REQUESTS, SERIES are a different story!

Polyamorous relationships

Drugs, including weed, marijuana, or any other illegal substances (alcohol is fine).

Rape/detailed descriptions of sexual assault.

More can be added if needed to. If you're not sure that I take a certain request because your category isn't on this list, feel free to request anyways! I read ALL of my requests, but I will delete those that don't follow my rules and I'll update my rulebook if necessary.

REQUESTS WILL BE WORKED ON AND UPLOADED AT ANY TIME, INCLUDING FROM DAYS TO WEEKS (I apologize but I have a life outside writing and I will not jeopardize my mental health for writing I don't get paid for).

Important: I do feel like I need to address this, but I don't accept requests that have already been done by other people. I follow tags and see the same exact requests, copied and pasted, onto other blogs and I personally just feel that it's a little disrespectful to send a request to multiple different people for the same exact thing. I could just be sensitive, but I feel like there's no point writing it if it's already been done.

I understand the requestors could potentially be looking for different takes of the request, or they could just be spamming any account looking for anyone to take their request and complete it. I'm someone who writes for myself, and I like the requests and ideas my followers give me because they're special and unique, and not like any other requests; is what I wish for it to be like.

With the exact same requests and ideas circling around, it just feels like your writing is a bit downgraded. That anyone can do better; which I'm not saying I'm the best, but I like having my work acknowledged since I take the time out of my day to complete them. It feels like your work gets placed on the back burner of other writings pertaining the same exact request or very similar to. It just feels competitive; I'm not here for first prize or fame.

Everyone writes unique. I'm not saying that all zombie AU's are all the same requests with the same ideas and such; there's different executions and many different ideas that can turn that into your own special writing. I'm saying that the exact same requests like "Short woman with purple hair and yellow eyes meets (so-so) in a coffee shop and they get each others number and hang out at Hot Topic" (I just made that up at the top of my head, I'm not trying to target anyone); then seeing that exact request, word from word, on five other blogs, just feels like you wasted your time.

Perhaps I'm just asking too much considering this is the internet, people are going to do what they want. And I kind of see myself as being a bitch saying this because I KNOW I take forever to write, I know my writing is really long in word count and in posting, that I have no posting schedule or anything. I'm sorry for that, I really do wish I had more time in the day to focus on my hobbies and this blog; but you can't just ask to stop time, now can you?

I understand you can become impatient with me, or change your mind about me writing; in that case, please just pop in my messages and say you want the request cancelled. You don't have to tell me that you're impatient or that you want someone else to do it; I won't shame you for it.

Thank you for reading. Let this be a reminder that I don't accept requests others have done. Remember, this is just my opinion and views on such topics. We don't live long enough to listen to bullshit or hate in the comments, so I'll just ignore your comment or delete it if someone is being rude because it's MY opinion, not yours. If you don't like my opinion, scroll.