#no hiatus for me ill just be on less LMAO

[olli-online]

i might be overdue a hiatus and some self isolation also 🫠......

[loemius]

31. What post have you seen recently that makes you wanna scream lmao <3

oh boy youre asking me for the spicy hot takes tonight huh. i am always happy to deliver <3 i dont want to put anyone in particular on blast so ill refrain from mentioning specific posts, but i do find that a lot of content lately in the helpol sphere has been very... surface level. a lot of moodboards, a lot of basics, 101 level content, stuff like 'the gods love you!!'. which isn't inherently a bad thing whatsoever. there is a need for that kind of content! however, i've also noticed in my 2 years on helpol tumblr that a lot of the reconstructionist blogs and informative blogs that i used to follow have either went inactive or deactivated entirely. and i can't help but wonder why this is. i think there's a lot of reasons for it: frustration with the shallowness of content leading to people going off and becoming more solitary practitioners, the more you grow in your practice the less compelled you may become to share it, but also i think a lot of people use tumblr and people's ask boxes as a search engine and that leads to a lot of burnout. it certainly did for me -- i took a hiatus from posting for a long time because i wasn't in a place to educate people. it's a lot of pressure, especially on tumblr where it feels like people will jump down your throat if you're incorrect about things or you suddenly become an Authority that people look up to when youre just a person. people who were posting really helpful and informative content about the theoi simply arent here anymore, and i really think the community's gravitation towards easily consumable content and reliance on people to do research for them is a large part of this. i realize not everyone is recon, which is very much okay, although i personally love being recon. that being said, i still think you should do your best to do your research and understand where these ideas come from. they didn't appear out of thin air -- mediterranean culture is very much alive still and is a continuation of the ancient world, and to not acknowledge or understand it is disrespectful to both the cultural context of the theoi and mediterranean people whose culture we claim to revere. i don't expect everyone to become an academic or a classicist. its not accessible to everyone for a variety of reasons, but i do think like. checking out some of the primary sources in a way thats accessible for you or picking one really good book to really deep dive into would benefit a lot of people. basically, i just wish i saw more in depth posts and people engaging on a deeper level with their faith and being willing to post it so we can have more discussions as a community and grow together. helpol is unique among other polytheistic religions because we have a wealth of primary sources available to us, and that isn't always the case for other polytheistic religions. i think it's... honestly kind of sad that we don't really talk about them. its not that i dont want to see peoples upg or that i dont think there should be posts for beginners, because there is a place for it and i enjoy that content too, but i wish there was more variety in the kinds of posts we have in the community. i miss the days when the tags were full of people writing their own prayers or people talking about a new source they read and what they thought, or compiling something for their own practice and being willing to share it with the community. i guess this is my sign to get back to posting my own original content and make the kind of content i want to see in hopes it'll encourage others to do the same. anyway i got on my little soapbox about this and its time for me to hop off before i hit character limit (again lmao). thank you so much for this ask, this was really refreshing and cathartic for me to talk about. may the gods bless you with health, happiness, and love always <33

[giganonyx]

TBB SEASON 3 SPOILERS

HEADS UP- I WILL BE TAGGING EACH OF MY EPISODE REVIEW THINGS WITH “tbb s3 spoilers”, AND OTHER SPOILER TAGS, PLEASE BLOCK THESE TAGS SO U DONT GET SPOILED!!!

AHHHHH OMEGA MY BABY. She has a pony tail stoppp my child is all grown up I will cry. Ok but she ate the new hairstyle she is slaying.

ERGH SHE HAS BEEN THERE 150 DAYS. Sick and twisted. She contrasts SO heavily with the whole sterile, orderly environment, it’s literally heartbreaking to watch. Forced into this mindless routine, her hopeful attitude constantly being beaten down on?? HURTING. GET HER OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE.

GOD seeing Crosshair look so broken BROKE ME. His shaking hands??? They took away the ONE thing he still had- his superior sniping skills, his steady hand. They took that AWAY from him. FUCKED UP. THEY TORE HIM DOWN. I can’t I’m so sad.

DADDY’S HOMEEEJWJWISNWIANQOQOQB (Hunter was on screen for the first time this season) (He is SO FINE)(MY HUSBAND HAS RETURNED FROM HIS HIATUS IN A TRAUMATIZED STATE BUT NONETHELESS HAS RETURNED TO GRACE MY SCREEN AND BE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE)

I had a horrible sense of dread overtake my body when he said something like “our mission isn’t over yet”… like idk I felt so ILL. PAIN. WHY do I have the feeling my man isn’t going to make it SHUT UP.

ALSO HIM MAKING RECKLESS DECISIONS???? The kidnapping of his daughter and the death of his brother have done a NUMBER on this man.

WRECKER my cutie patootie!! Yk it’s bad when Wrecker starts to become a voice of reason (which, Hunter in his desperate mindset, promptly ignores 😭)

HAHBANQKNSJQQKO CROSSHAIR IS SO FUNNY DURING HIS ESCAPE WITH OMEGA- literal snark fest

Need Omega bullying a mouse droid on repeat.

Stop mouse droid bullying 😭

OOOO NALA SE’S WARNING TO OMEGA TO LEAVE?? I’m scared. And Omega ate it up tho. She said “say less lmao I’m gone ✌️”.

Did palpy not feel a disturbance into the force. Was bro so into the “project Necromancer deets” he couldn’t tell his vessel was peacing out. Common Palpy L.

RUN OMEGA TAKE YOUR SARCASTIC BROTHER WITH U

JUST A GIRL AND HER DOG AND HER GRUMPY BROTHER EHEHEHEHE

OUGAHHH OK OK IM BOUNCING AROUND EPISODES HERE BUT STAY WITH ME

WHEN CROSSHAIR SAID “forget the hound, Omega.”, it lowkey felt like he was talking about himself. He was telling her to forget him, he was a broken animal, with no point in nurturing back to health. She needs to give up on him if she wants to move forward. BUT SHE DIDNT BECAUSE MAMA DIDNT RAISE NO UNLOYAL LOSER. NO. OMEGA IS THE REALEST ONEEEEE.

EMERIE you confuse me. I hate u yet am intrigued by u. Looking forward to her character development ahhhh.

HUNTER MY POOKIE BEAR BACK TO HIM BC that man was doing FLIPS chopping off the eldritch horror vines. They snatched his brother and he said “hell naw hoe let go of my BRO” and just. Went to town. Me when Hunter exists 🎉🎉🎉🎉

OH OU OH IHHIWHAIANQO ALSO THE MYSTERY GUY IN THE GREEN TACTICAL ARMOR?? IS THE ONE DOING THE “TORTURE” OR WHATEVER TO CROSSHAIR AND THAT GROUP OF CLONES??? If that’s really tech I’m gonna scream. You’re telling me he’s torturing his own brother. Tech would never even THINK about doing shit like that the man just wants to read nerdy newspapers. Desecration of the nerd lifestyle. OK I REALLY HOPE ITS HIM. LIKE I REALLY DO. OOO PLEASE I WILL CRY. WHY ELSE WOULD THEY SHOW THIS MYSTERY CLONE. NO NEED. IT HAS TO BE BROWN EYES (delusion).

OK I AM SO TIRED MY HEAD HURTS MY LIFE IS CHANGING Jesse we need to cook (I need to make tbb art) BUT I AM GOING TO BED FIRST

[holocene-sims]

oc deep dive

thank you @stargazer-sims for tagging me!! naturally, because i am predictable, i'll answer these questions for grant 🙈

not sure who has done this tag because it went around mostly when i was on hiatus, but i'll tag: @windermeresimblr @nectar-cellar @papermint-airplane @queeniecook @sparkiekong + anyone who wants to do it 💌

what uncommon/common fear do they have?

common: he's a major germaphobeeeeeee

hello, mr. showers-multiple-times-a-day! 🧼

btw i always headcanon grant as wearing masks frequently in public and always in very crowded places like airplanes. you just don't see that in-game because all the mask cc i have installed conflicts with his glasses and/or eyelashes 😔

uncommon: idk if he's afraid of anything uncommon. the main ones for him are germs + being yelled at or physically pushed around, which are common. i guess you could say noses kind of freak him out; the whole cartilage/bone/close-to-the-brain combo is a very unpleasant thought for him lolz

do they have any pet peeves?

you know how most people hate it when a two-person party at a cafe/restaurant sit on the same side of the bench? grant actually hates it when the other person sits opposite of him; he finds it a little bit awkward and lonely. he'd much rather have the friend or partner sit next to him, provided they're cool with it and a side-by-side seating arrangement is possible! ❤️

what are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

his cat, probably

hand sanitizer (citrus scent)

pikachu plush acquired during the korea arc with henry

what do they notice first in a person?

physically: hair 💇 simply because hair is the first thing his eyes can see when looking at someone...unless they're the same height as him, at which point he can finally look someone in the eyes lmao

personality-wise: if they're nice to servers or other customer service workers and tip well

on a scale of 1 to 10, how high is their pain tolerance?

at this point, it's a 10. his body is a little (a lot) banged up from old injuries and being chronically ill. when he was super young, his pain tolerance was not that great, like stubbing a toe was a serious hour-ruining problem, but he's had to get used to feeling much worse, so his "i feel great, let's go run a marathon!!" days now are probably an average person's 6 on the pain scale but a 2 or so for him. it's not that things hurt *less*, it's more that the conditions that would get him to notice his pain, pay more attention to it, or rate the pain level at a 6 or well above that are far more extreme.

do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

it depends what kind of pressure. if it's some kind of social pressure, aka being in an argument with someone or having upset someone, it triggers major fight or flight response, and usually, he's a flight kind of person. it's changed, though, over the course of the story. i think he's more willing to fight or at least just feel the fight/flight response while responding with a cool head.

if it's a non-social pressure like a situation at work, even if people are involved in the situation he needs to deal with, grant responds very differently. he doesn't get the fight or flight response here, he's always pretty level-headed and logical about non-social situations.

do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

his family is too big, but he adores them all (sans his parents and one of his sisters). grant is 1000000% a family person!

what animal represents them best?

personally, i think he could be a panda. large, cuddly, and endearing

what is a smell that they dislike?

ultimate irony: he hates the smell of cigarettes ☠️

and he finds it funny. he's unfortunately been addicted to smoking forever, but he's so irritated by the smell and also scared of bothering anyone with it that he takes extreme measures to avoid not absorbing cigarette scent lmao

have they broken any bones?

oh dear. yes, he has. lol. the whole "i accidentally knocked out/broke some of my teeth playing hockey thing" was real 😭😭

the teeth were probably the most obvious/annoying bones to break, but he did also break the pinky finger on his left hand, aka his dominant hand, at church when he was like six. he was fucking around in the church basement with his cousins and friends after some church event, and when they were leaving to go back upstairs, he shut the giant wooden door too quickly, which jammed his finger hard enough to break it 💀

how would a stranger likely describe them?

physically: giant, should have played basketball

personality-wise: charming

are they a night owl or a morning bird?

i think he's somewhere in between! he's happy to stay up late and get up early. although, even if he does stay up late, he still will always get up early. he's used to that from work and also from chronic pain bothering him in his sleep.

what is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

love: coconut, chocolate, citrus, coffee

hate: strawberry, vanilla, tea

do they have any hobbies?

cooking, baking, playing video games, dungeons & dragons/TTRPGs, painting, stargazing/reading about astronomy, watching airplanes irl or in videos, watching youtube, watching cat videos on instagram reels, hiking when he feels up to it, working out, traveling, reading (he's trying to fully get back into it), etc.

boom, surprise birthday party! how do they react to surprises?

honestly, grant is one of those people who does muchhhh better with surprise birthday parties than planned parties. if you give him zero time to think about receiving love, gifts, and affection, he can't do the whole "woe is me, i don't deserve it, you're too nice" shtick

do they like to wear jewelry?

at this point, he doesn't really own any. he used to have piercings (the only ones remaining are the 🍒💍, and he did have a claddagh ring, which was a gift from his great uncle, but the piercings were lost to career dress codes, and the ring disappeared with all his other stuff that his mother threw out years ago.

so, he's not anti-jewelry, like he'd totally wear rings at least, and he regrets that his one very nice ring was lost :( i think he'd also wear a necklace if someone gave him one, but grant himself would not naturally consider himself a necklace guy, so he wouldn't go out of his way to purchase one of his own volition.

(author's note: he deserves a nice necklace)

he does wear a leather watch all the time, though, but i'm not sure if that should be categorized as jewelry or just an accessory!

do they have neat or messy handwriting?

he has very neat handwriting!

what are two emotions they feel the most?

probablyyyyyy contentment (i know that may seem ironic given the story, but i think he's generally chill *now*, and my image of him is always a little bit colored by the yet unpublished end of everything the stars promised, which will get posted some day when the plot gets to that point) and shame

do they have a favorite fabric?

he may not own anything in this fabric but minky dot!! grant has visited fabric & craft stores many times with grandma aoifeeeeee, and when he and his cousins were younger, they loved to run around the stores feeling up all the fabric. he's always fond of minky dot because (1) it's soft, and (2) the dots are fun to poke at.

what kind of accent do they have?

i feel like i've answered this so many times, but grant, in my mind, has a unique accent!! he grew up in small town upper peninsula michigan, so he's had plenty of time to absorb the yooper/midwestern accent, but he was also raised by a family full of immigrants and spent most of his childhood hanging out around his grandparents specifically and traveling overseas to visit family, so at the same time, his accent turned irish-y early on. he's not the only one that combo accent happened to, but he probably has the strongest case out it outside of his aunt and uncle.

basically, with 100% certainty, i deem that grant has never and will never be able to pronounce the th sound with the h in it or vowels without them being nasally.

it's hard to put what i think he sounds like on paper, but it's some mix of these people: (1) (2) (3)

[not-poignant]

hi pia i just wanted to respond to what you said in your tags about the burnout w chronic illness. and i dont mean to condescend or blame but i think your burnout came about because you are an absolute beast of a writer!!!!! the amount of words you were pushing out consistently had me wondering what kind of spell you must’ve been on. (in a good way, except it turned out to be harming you) you worked really really hard for a long time, i think harder than many healthy people even (my chronic illness could never). i know you also enjoyed writing (we enjoyed it too!), but that workload honestly never looked sustainable. the astounding part is not that you burned out, but that you managed to push for so long, despite your handicaps and hardships. want to be careful not to sound like im praising/blaming you. but you’re really just build different than a lot of folks. i hope you had time to recharge so far and keep taking it easy. i do miss your updates but i can assure you im fine waiting, as are your other readers! its really okay! get better soon 💐🐀💓

Hi anon,

This is very kind of you to say, but tbh, I don't think many people know how much some writers can, well, write.

I might seem like an over-achiever, but there are writers out there who easily write around 6000-10000 words per day, and release a book per month. I have met successful authors who aim for 150k or 200k at NaNo, because 50,000 words is 5 days of work to them.

It's hard for me to comprehend, because I know I can't do that. But likewise, I think many folks don't realise that I actually used to write a lot more than I do now!! For some years it was normal for me to write 50-80,000 words every single month. NaNo was a joke. That caused burnout, and so I adjusted down to a 25,000 minimum monthly wordcount which sometimes felt so easy that it was absurd. I now have a maximum which I have to adhere to per month (50k), because it's too easy to go past it.

For me, writing is relatively easy. It's still work, yes. I still need to put time into it. But I don't need to put in the same amount of time as someone who hasn't done it for thousands and thousands of hours. I don't need to put in the same amount of time as someone who can only touch type at 80 wpm, when I touch type at 120-150 wpm.

The amount of stories is an issue, and the number of chapter updates is an issue, but the actual output re: words themselves really isn't. In fact I've written more words this month than I did last month already, and will very likely hit my monthly minimum with the next chapter.

The things that contributed to my burnout are multifaceted. Getting a puppy. A death in the family. Not having access to the mental health drugs I need to function for a long period of time. Friendship disintegration. These things can cause burnout in anyone, even if they are working very sustainably, because they all require separate labour on top of the labour that someone is doing for their job.

When I come back from hiatus, I will not be writing less. I don't believe the wordcount is the issue and haven't for a long time. I will be scheduling out less chapters, because admin is overwhelming to me. If you told me that my job wasn't writing anymore, but I had to schedule + figure out when to post twice as many chapters, I'd fail, lmao.

So I will be addressing admin stuff! But the amount of words I was pushing out, anon, was completely sustainable, and in fact a highly reduced number compared to what I was pushing out 6/7 years ago. Anon, I have been pushing out this many words or more for 5 years without stopping until now. It's felt comfortable. It's been so much less than what I used to make myself write.

So yeah, again, it can be hard for people who don't do this professionally to imagine writing at this level. And all professionals are different. I couldn't write 150k for NaNoWriMo, but the people writing 100k a month find that extremely easy to do. How I feel about their output - that it's impossible (because it is for me) is not how they feel about their output. For them writing 50k a month to make it easy might be extremely laughable to them, like, 5 days of work and then they get 25 days off. That's sometimes how I've felt about 25k (though it's more like 10 days of work to me - which is great, because I have chronic illness lol, so I need a lot of rest days and periods).

The amount of words I was pushing out consistently will be the amount I go back to because that is truly the most sustainable part of my job. I don't expect folks who haven't plugged in as many hours into writing, and who haven't written millions of words to understand, but the fact is the more you do something, the faster you get at it. The more practice you have, the more competent you become.

That was actually how I knew the burnout was so bad, because the easiest part of my job - the words + the writing - was impossible last month, and I only ended up with 14k for the first time in 5 years, and had to make a call.

The reason the hiatus is so frustrating is that so much of it is being caused by external factors, and not actually the job itself. Like yes, I am working on too many stories, and I can address that, but I was actually doing much higher wordcounts when I was working on less stories.

It's all the extra stuff that becomes very overwhelming! But I'll get there anon, and my wordcounts aren't going anywhere.

[rosiehrs]

2 month hiatus! 😝

hi............. so............ hello.......

probably not the update yall were expecting 🤣🤣

so unfortunately, i'm gonna be going on hiatus until november because my igcses are less than 3 weeks away and i'm js starting to wake up and realise that i need to get my shit together LMAO so i won't be replying to asks or updating until i find time to do so. i might check in every now and then, however, i definitely won't be as active as i've been these past few weeks.

i am genuinely really sorry cause i know i barely update ydkmn anyway and i'm just depriving you guys of more ynrene. TT i hope you'll find it in you to be patient and wait for me! (and irene)

i have many great things planned for you guys and i plan to get everything out after my exams, i promise! it's js i actually don't wanna end up on the streets and disappoint my mama so we be grinding rn😝

ALSO IF ANYONE WANTS TO HAVE THEIR OWN LITTLE TUTOR x DUMBASS TROPE MOMENT, PLS TUTOR ME, PLEAPLDEPLSPEWLAPELASE. HIT ME THE FUCK UP. SOME SORT OF PAYMENT WILL BE GIVEN SOMEHOW IDC, ILL FIND A WAY, I AM DESPERATE, WHETHER U WANT MONEY OR IRENE I WILL DO WHAT I CAN.

navigation

[babybluebex]

TW TALK OF EATING DISORDER, BAD MENTAL HEALTH

so rn i am so incredibly sick and this is NOT how i imagined ringing in the new year, and i’ve been up all night being ill, so i don’t have a lot of the energy i wish i did, but i did just want to extend a great big huge thank you to everybody who reads this. the first half of 2022 was pretty usual: i cycled through celebrities i would read and write for, not sticking to any one for too long; my mental health was bad; i had relapsed in my bulimia i was stuck in a school i hate and a job i hated even more; and overall it was looking like the year would be typical.

and then joe happened. and you guys happened.

for as much as i love and adore joseph (and he has changed my life as well in his own special way, don’t get me wrong), you guys, my friends, my followers, have changed it even more. when i first started writing for eddie in june, i had just under 3k followers. i remember a night where i cried to my sister soph about feeling burnt out and like i hated writing and wanted to quit, and i took a brief week hiatus to try to sort myself out. it was during this hiatus that i decided to watch stranger things— i had watched the first season way back when it came out, but i hadn’t bothered to watch anymore of it, but i had heard how good s4 was, so i took a chance on it. i watched it and fell in love with the universe. i was already starting to write a robin fic by the time i started s4, and then eddie came into my life.

my first eddie fic was terrible and i’ll never post it bc it was very self indulgent and frankly just Bad (also included a lot of personal details that i can’t just edit out lol), but the first fic i posted was called mighty protector. i continued to post little by little, gaining more and more followers and finding new and exciting friends, until the big one hit, pretty metal. i literally took the day off of work to watch it gain notes and numbers. there was a day where i gained 100 followers in a single day, and i was so excited for it. your interactions saved me. your interactions, every keysmash and excited message to my inbox saved me. it renewed my love of writing and i am forever thankful.

all of this to say, i’m so… thankful isn’t the right word. it’s not strong enough for what i feel. i love everybody that helped make this year special. if i could name each 13k of you, i would, but tumblr only lets me tag about 100 people at a time iirc, so just know that, if you’re reading this, you mean so much to me. i love you guys.

i’m tagging some people who made 2022 such a special year for me, but know how much i love each and every one of you. see in 2023 (hopefully when i’m less sick lmao).

@mypoisonedvine @earlgreydream @king-keery @hellfiremunsonn @lost-in-sokovia @ceriseheaven @bowerquinn @bowersbubbles @topthagomizer @usedtobecooler @lunatictardis @moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown @icallhimjoey @lilacletter @punk-in-docs

[cherrylight]

hey there. ive decided to come back this time. probably a bit too early, but i am sort of yearning to reblog silly f/o posts and in general reblog things so theres that and maybe possibly post more (probably)

and i have a few things to say

during my hiatus ive learned why selfshipping is important to me and why i wanted to make this blog in the first place, and why i keep selfshipping with characters i adore; creativity. sure, i am self conscious about posting anything via writing on here but i want do to that because its creative and something i enjoy doing.

i guess i want to come back here and do silly creativity via my selfships and just be a bit more open about it than i have been considering the fact at the time i was terrified to even do anything with them on here lmao

also just to throw in as a reminder: there is a high chance i wont be super active on here as i once was, being on here or any social media platform nowadays has gotten to me a lot mentally and has drained me, its a lot for me to handle. my mental health is way vital than staying on an app/site that will cause me distress

kind of just a "hey do what makes you happy" mindset instead of being nervous and on edge all the time while trying to enjoy myself on here i guess

to add in i suppose:

do not dm me anymore, please! i much appreciate it if you send me asks as its less overwhelming for me :]

positivity posts are limited and will not be a constant thing (as you can see). most f/o posts nowadays will be quite rare but ill try to make them, they are not my priority anymore

do not by any circumstances send me asks about you venting to me about your selfships without asking for permission first to do so. if you do without asking, your ask will be deleted

[yifftwiceplz]

// mild update

erm gonna pull back a little bit, the past few days ive gotten overstimulated to the point of sobbing or having to lay down, which is no ones fault / my problem to manage

if our characters talk almost daily DMs are fine (dont start with me if i dont respond. i just said i was overstimulated.) and ill prob try to be a little more active in the servers once i finally manage to decompress

its not controversial to say im on here too much LMAO its a lot of fun but im observing myself and noticing how much stress it brings me sometimes as well

being so overstimmed put me well behind work and like i said its got me to a weird mental place

not a hiatus!!!!!! just saying im gonna be less active and dont be a wiener about it

[scare-ard--sleigh]

tagged by @maplefiasco 8 shows to get to know me uhhhh in no particular order!!

tagging (no pressure tho!) ;; @cauldronofmorning @angellspt @spacephrasing @ambrwolf @wesninskijr @rolodextra @zapkilikan and anyone else who wants to do it !

what we do in the shadows: wwdits caters to me so heavily. it captures all of my genders. everyone's hot and fucking each other and they're all so fucking stupid. i've watched it 90 billion times and i still laugh bc the jokes still make me laugh.

midnight mass: we're setting aside my taste in men for a minute here. midnight mass does a really excellent job capturing the more horrifying aspects of growing up as an outsider in a very tight-knit religious community. i've never seen that done in a way that's resonated so much. i talked about this show a lot in therapy. plus okay fine; father skinnyjeans thee vampire [chef's kiss.]

the magicians: idk how to sum up the everything about the magicians in a few sentences. i have an eliot prayer candle lmao, his arc and his friendships and the way he does masculinity are so important to me despite the writing having a few missteps (mind the warnings definitely.) the fandom experience is unlike anything i've ever had, yes derogatorily but also in a really good way--my writing got so good because of the things that i created for this show.

steven universe / sailor moon: i combined them because while they're separately very important to me, it's for a lot of the same reasons and i don't feel right putting one without the other. i'm very saccharine underneath everything, i wanna believe love and friendship can heal anything. i grew up on sailor moon, and i think su would have had the same impact on me if i was the right age.

daredevil: where do i even start :( human disaster matt murdock is just like me fr. foggy nelson is who i wish i was (he also reminds me so much of my husband.) i almost went to law school bc of this fucking show. it's the first time i ever saw two guys crying during an argument bc they love each other that much (nelson v murdock is a treasure of an episode.) i didn't dig s3 as much and i hated the defenders but god the rest of it's so good.

bob's burgers: it's less because i think it's deeply telling and more because it's 100% comfort food. if i'm sick or stoned or sad or trying to find a crowdpleaser, bob's is always my go-to. their family and bob & linda's parenting methods are a lot of what i picture for myself when the time comes.

death note: death note was the thing i was obsessed with as a teenager and while i missed a lot of the point of it, it also is what started making me smarter about media consumption, interpretation, and analysis. mello is also like thee gender of all time.

succession: the latest and greatest "oh jeez that's me." like firstly i love watching shows about terrible rich people but to dig deeper: some of the dynamics hit soooo fucking close. i feel like the portrayal of mental illness and abuse are done almost too well: proceed with caution.

honorable mentions:

buffy the vampire slayer: buffy was the first show i ever got like really, really obsessed with (as well as the first canon i ever tried to make an oc for) but it's almost impossible to recommend for actual viewing bc of how badly it's aged. i didn't rewatch it for the many years, cringed through the last one, and am at permanent hiatus since we've entered the Joyce Is Dying arc which is just like painful to watch on top of the uhhh. joss whedon writing.

archer fx: i don't think archer's necessarily required viewing to get to know me, but i've definitely done some of my best writing for that canon and if you're willing to listen to me talk ad nauseam about archer and cyril's dynamic i'll probably love you forever.

[estrelladeishtar-archive]

Catch me resurfacing after 5000 years only to (maybe) slip back away & into the void of space like some kinda cryptid

Also I updated the desktop blog themes for here & my personal bc it’s about time I got off my ass & did that

Anyway

I guess we’ve been long overdue for an updates post yeah? Last one I made was legit Nov 2021... I think I should at least leave another update post before seeing if I’m still around or end up vanishing yet again, lmfao But regardless, getting to the point...

Tossing shit under a read more just so that in case of a lengthy ass post it doesn’t clog people’s dashboards (dashboards? timelines? ...I’ve been mostly on twitter lmao so). TL;DR, life’s come swinging hard at me so it’s kept all of my focus mostly on personal matters, less on art, even with still creating things in the distance despite taking a lengthy hiatus (that’s arguably still ongoing? a semi hiatus now perhaps) so.

So I mean, for starters its kinda. Obvious that I’ve been more active on other social media sites rather than here, & tbh whether I really stick around here for long or end up disappearing back into the depths once more for whatever unforeseen reason is yet to be seen, especially since I only really use this place on occasion (for my mental health’s sake, mostly, whether that’ll change over time or will always remain in this “appears only occasionally” cycle is something we’ve yet to see, but for now... just don’t count on me really being consistently active here)

But even with being more active on other places I’ve still taken a semi-hiatus/hiatus, with a major part of that being attributed to uh. Health issues coming back with a vengeance & tryna crush me lol. I mean that’s, kinda par for the course with chronic illness I guess? But it’s put a heavy emphasis on me having to look after myself even moreso than before, & this amidst still processing some really heavy shit I mentioned in my last update that I won’t get into (bc it’s both deeply personal & very trigger heavy), on top of other things life keeps throwing at me (because of course it would), well I’ve just taken priority on taking care of that & making sure I’m fine &... thus not really being too present on here or anywhere really. Sometimes showing up on occasions because I engage with astrology related communities (since I’m learning more on that & other personal practices I won’t bore y’all with), sometimes showing up to support other artists, but yeah.

I do admit tho I’ve still been creating stuff in the background. Be it practicing with stuff art wise or working on other personal OC stuff or projects, I’ve had that still, & its one of the things that helps keep me afloat whilst also navigating, well, life itself. It’s admittedly been difficult navigating shit also tho because due to my health situation, I can’t really do comms (& I’ve been on break from them due to burnout), so income’s been... troublesome to say the least considering medical bills & all that. So trying to find ways to get that & sometimes getting help from others has been another thing that’s kept me away, but yeah.

Ultimately tl;dr of it is that I’ve just had life itself as a priority above all other things. & it’s bound to stay that way for a while, so yeah. But I still do want to see if, on occasions I’m on here posting art, I can maybe share some stuff around the OCs I’ve worked on/created/etc, as well as maybe lore for personal worldbuilding stuff?

I mean I need to share it on my toyhouse eventually anyway LOL, & AT LEAST on here I can make posts about OCs without being constrained to a fucking 280 char limit per post if I opt to do so 💀 Or see what else I choose to share as well as the art I make from time to time? Especially since I’ve been majorly revamping my own OCs & even with my sona I’ll soon be showcasing their proper ref in full with all forms of them/versions of em, both in & out of fandom but. yeah. Things to come.

Also- do expect more of this acct to start turning more OC focused or, IF I share fancharacters, its more centered around them... It doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing fanart no, since I do enjoy doing that on my spare time too, BUT I want my focus shifted primarily on OC content more since that’s my own personal passion anyway (be it OCs, fancharacters, self ship stuff too, or other’s OCs also) & cause I usually have more to ramble on about when it comes to OCs? So yeah. I plan to also implement other changes later into this acct but I’m presently just figuring that mess out while still being on semi-hiatus so yeah.

I hope all of y’all have been doing well & I do appreciate those who’ve stuck around still despite my routine appearing & disappearing bs lmao, & I wish y’all well also

...This update turned a lot longer than I anticipated but hey, least it’s not me updating at some weird ass fucking hour bc of being wide awake at strange times (my sleep schedule’s still broken as hell) (no its not ever going to improve probably) (Its been this way since 2010) (so don’t count on it improving)

[zigtheeortega]

sorry i haven’t been that active this week and i won’t be too active for a while LMAO so if you see me wild out only on oph days u know why SJDFKSDJF

[bringingglory]

adsggsga finally, officially put in the bio of my miraculous ladybug fic that it is on hiatus. not that it really matters bc I take months to update anyway afshsgag but I'm hoping that it gives me some peace of mind and that I will trick my brain into thinking that no one will perceive the fic except me for a while, and thus I will be able to move forward and write as terribly as my heart desires. Oh to be Free from the burden of perception

[fiovske]

This whole situation honestly makes me feel so disrespected and powerless. I really want to believe that if the cast were asked directly about B/J by enough people, they would say the truth - which is that they decided over the hiatus that the campaign would be ending soon, and so they made a bunch of decisions behind the scenes in order to get certain characters to a half-decent end point, and that one of those decisions was retconning Beaus feelings for Jester. Because that IS what happened, you honestly have to be so naïve not to be able to see it, but I just know that if they were asked about it, the BeauJester tag would just get raided by angry BY shippers with Ellie icons calling us all mentally-ill (again).

yeah.. yeah. personally, i dont think we should ask bc we arent gonna get an answer that isnt just handwaved as "a phase" or addressed w a tone of outright dismissiveness. i dont think they'd be transparent abt this anyway bc its a PR image decision. it'll expose that their "we only improvise in game!" thing is just not really so much true tbh lmao bc the decided pairings were done in the hiatus period and it influenced a LOT of storymaking decisions that were NOT organic at all and a whole lot of people felt being force-fed something they didnt like. those playlists really should've been our clues bc they released those AFTER taking that decision.

like. i'd really rather they'd had decided from the start of the campaign what pairings they were gonna take and worked on improving those relationships slowly and steadily, even if those pairings WERE fj/j and b/y. but they didn't.

 instead we had beaujes, which grew so slowly and organically and was heartfelt in developing a foundation of a solid friendship and compatibility above all else, they were the first two to say "I love you" to each other IN GAME and had a confession of feelings and had those feelings have the building blocks of reciprocation ("does anyone have a crush on me?" the way jester panics over beau being turned to stone vs the way jester reacts to fjord rolling his second failed death save: "get up man :/" 

PLUS the time when veth was calling beau abbrasive and rude and all kinda of bad things Jes was vocally disagreeing and Beau said “thanks u jess” and blew her a kiss and Jester giggled and blushed all big smiles and flushed face it was so. GOOD. the time beau bought a flower crown for jester at Zadash and Jester got so happy she couldnt contain her smile, “for mE??”. PLUS when Beau wore that red dress at the beach “for Jester (affectionate)” and Jester wore a purple dress bc “beau doesnt like yellow so I’m gonna wear the purple one!” its just the simple way they do things to make the other person happy, and are happy with it themselves.

PLUS like extremely soon following beau's confession, jes meta-narratively taunts beau, "i think you have been avoiding me...and i know why" Jester being clearly VERY upset at the prospect of beau almost dying and jester confused, at the cusp of figuring out what those extremely strong feelings for beau were: "I'm sorry for... not healing you. i.. you could've died and i..." letting it trail off the IMPLICATIONS.. (this girl doesnt like to heal anybody much less apologize for NOT healing someone lol) and beau's departure followed closely by jester spending time w fjord helping him work out "as beau does" like... her interest in him was comparative on the axis of beau. and her coming away from that interaction w fjord w a face of clear dissatisfaction bc it was clearly subpar from what she had expected it to be. it was, an extrapolation some would even say to how despite being on the heads of an argument beau and jester seemed to be able to communicate with each other very clearly, and in case of fjord, jester had to end up placating his ego, which has been what she has always done. not to mention the time in the fight ring she bet ten extra gold on beau and beau alone. despite fjord and yasha ALSO participating and she didnt beat anything extra on them lmao she was even GONE during fjord's bout which is. hilarious to me.

and then later once they reach the place where cad's family had been turned to stone, the panic on jester the sheer concern when beau was petrified vs the "uh.. get up man" at fjord when fjord was there rolling death saves. lmao. and not to forget the ultimate, "you're chaotic and.. I love you?" jes wanting to hear it back, the way the both of them support each other at their lowests, when jes meets her dad who doesnt accept her (beau hugs her and holds her and comforts her "found family is better anyway its his loss for not knowing you.") vs when beau meets her dad and he is as shit as ever ("i pull beau aside and i ask, "do u want us to stay?"and the way beau's voice breaks at "..please.") and never forget "heh, you get purple a lil purple when you're sunburnt... its cute!" and the megawatt smile jes gave beau for that was... e99!!! beaujes WAS on the cusp of happening it WOULD have happened bc the road was paved all the way thru!)

only to go into a months long hiatus and change tracks completely. literally a whole systems shock as they switched gears w no warning or no indication that their approach to the game would be different post-hiatus. they thought no one would notice.... but, ironically enough, the dissonance was felt throughout.

[bardicious]

A Teensy Weensy Blog Update

I was quite diligently scrolling around my archive feed - privating some posts cause I just didn't like some and others had discourse I didnt care to see in my own blog (however I've kept any more recent ones cause meh - I guess the recent spite is still fresh) but what I've learned is...

a. I make way too many promises I don't follow through with, I mean well, really - but mental and physical health gets in the way and I just usually don't have as much time or interest to delve into all my artworks or post ideas.

b. those projects I promised to make are still rolling around in my brain trying to gain purchase, I cant promise that they'll ever get made or be made soon cause honestly Im having a social media melt down and need to focus on my career, so its all up in the air - still pondering the future of this blog and my time on social media

c. I have gotten angrier recently and major shocks its because I interacted with Marvel media again. That was my first mistake, really. But considering I will forever love the characters too much to abandon them - and I quite enjoy mutuals and some fans from there, I'll be making efforts to divorce myself from whatever the hell Marvel is putting out now and actually - truly - work on my interpretations of the characters. (Which will veer dramatically away from canon because not so shockingly I actually hate most of canon - I truly do - and oh please don't get me started on the writers, actors, directors that make all this garbage) (Marvel fanfic writers, I love you and only you)

d. I truly need to get back into more mellow fandoms like Garashir and Kurtbastian - cause those places be the bomb. And the bits of DC fandom that I don't want to beat with a bat. They're cool too. :) (I'm up to here with the bs discourse about batcest though - seriously dont @ me whether you hate it - I really just dont care for anti behavior)

e. I'm going to work extra hard to make this a positive space for people to follow me. Ill try to tone down negative posts (not cause I disagree with any of them - but cause I know focusing on the negatives really doesn't do anyone any good - that said don't be a dick to people who need to express their anger at something - that isn't people - basically chill the fuck out y'all and mind your business, there is a blocking function for a reason)

f. Really sad I had to turn off my anon asks cause I really did get some sweet people in there. Y'all are wonderful. I just cant cope with anonymous dick heads. <3

j. Might reblog less???? Not sure. But the amount of posts on my blog is becoming unmanageable (thats a lie, it already is - sobs-)

And yeah, that's it for now. Im still basically on hiatus until at least the new year (and gosh I actually go on hiatus quite a few times I noticed), currently living off romantic comedies and shows like the hardy boys and stargate. lmao.

Anyways, thanks yall for following, reblogging, and liking my stuff. <3 Truly whenever I see your tags and whatnot, you make my day. :)

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Ouroboros (S2, E8)

The hiatus almost killed me. So glad we have new content <3

As usual, my time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:04 - That scarf is so extra.

0:26 - OH LOOK THE FIRST SUNSHINE SIGHTING OF SEASON TWO!!! It only took 8 episodes. *insert eyeroll*

0:40 - Ugh. This montage makes me hate Hoxley. He embodies the type of human I abhor: self-important, egotistic, obsessed with appearance.

1:19 - “No I didn’t.” LMAO. Mr. David is so done with Martin’s bullshit.

1:36 - That makeshift shiv in the dude’s arm.....that’s Daryl’s shiv from a few episodes ago right? Am I going crazy?

 2:25 - Sooooo Birdie hasn’t left New York? She’s moved into the Milton’s “Murrayville Building”. Huh. Wait. Was Birdie in the house when Malcolm and Ainsley fought? Do you think she heard?!? Birdie might become a problem for the Whitly’s later this season....I hope?

2:43 - Jessica doesn’t know about the contents of the fight. Interesting. How long has it been since the end of 2x7? 

2:58 - “I’ll be there at 8.” hahaha OMG. I swear Malcolm was a terror during his ‘rebellious teenager’ phase.

3:38 - Yep. This fog horn reinforces the fact that I believe Hoxley is a dick. 

3:40 - Awww.... the way Malcolm jumps/flinches at the fog horn is both hilarious and adorable.

3:58 - “And who the hell are you?” YES GIL. YES. Don’t let him talk like that to Malcolm <3

4:04 - Duuuuude. Gil looks pissed and scared. He does not like Europol snooping around his crimes. ALSO I’m like 95% sure that Gil knows (or at least has a hunch) that Malcolm is somehow involved with Endicott’s murder. I’m pretty sure Gil is scared that this dude is going to try and arrest Malcolm. 

4:07 - OMG. JT is adorable. “You’re that guy. The mind sleuth.” Personal headcanon: JT read Hoxley’s book to try and understand Malcolm better. 

4:22 - DANI IS MY QUEEN. SHE IS MY ICON. I LOVE HER SO FREAKING MUCH. “No.” This girl is fierce. <3

4:23 - <3 <3 Malcolm’s heart eyes, head tilt, and visible pride is so so so precious. THIS is why he’s attracted to Dani. She’s not afraid to assert herself. 

4:31 - “And then took in his son.” ....Okay, so this infuriated me. Nothing Hoxley is saying is untrue. BUT something about the way he’s saying it just gets under my skin. 

4:45 - I think Hoxley is pissing me off so much because he’s psychoanalyzing Malcolm in front three of the people Malcolm trusts and loves most in the world (3 out of a very very short list of people). He’s trying to humiliate Malcolm and I hate it. I hate that Dani, JT, and Gil haven’t told Hoxley to shut up. I hate that Hoxley is trying to drive stakes of doubt into the three people whose opinion Malcolm treasures. 

5:25 - “Aim a little lower, Whitly.” and and and.....then Hoxley looks to the team as though he wants them to laugh. I’m furious. 

5:32 - THANK YOU GIL. STEER THE CONVERSATION AWAY FROM MALCOLM

6:04 - Malcolm is so obvious. There’s no way that the team doesn’t know that he was involved with Endicott’s murder. If they didn’t before this episode - they HAVE to know now. Right? They’re detectives. Malcolm is a terrible liar. 

7:00 - Oh. So now Ainsley cares about the crime. Now it’s “how much trouble are we in”. And let’s be real. Ainsley doesn’t even seem very worried or scared. She’s concerned that the crime will get out - she’s not sorry she committed the crime. She’s not sorry that her big brother tried to take the fall for her. 

7:15 - “We said no more secrets.” ...when. When did you two say that? Was there a ‘fight part 2 - the tentative truce’ that we didn’t get to see?

7:33 - A mention of Sophie Sanders. Finally. I still hope she comes out of the woodwork and takes the fall for this. I want more closure on her. Did the team ever find out that Malcolm found her? How did the Eddie murder finally get resolved (I’m not satisfied with the “not every case gets solved” line)?

7:42 - Yo. I don’t care about the time constraint of a 45 minute episode. I don’t care that it was required to move the plot along. The fact that Ainsley starts typing frantically into the computer at about 7:42, stops typing at 7:47ish and has found at least 4 different articles relating to murdered random people (who apparently helped hide Endicott’s body?) is SO UNREALISTIC. I just can’t. I can’t suspend my disbelief on this one. The article headlines say nothing about ‘couriers’. It’s stuff like ‘Local fisherman found dead’. HOW THE HELL WOULD AINSLEY KNOW THEY WERE HELPING MALCOLM IN LESS THAN 10 SECONDS OF GOOGLING?!? Nope. I can’t justify this one. Fedak - you dropped the ball.

8:40 - Poor Malcolm looks terrified. :( 

9:04 - My first impression of Natalie was that she’s a beautiful young lady who seems really sweet and a little socially awkward. Kudos to the actress.

9:41 - Another mention of Sophie. God - I hope she becomes a twist in this season’s storyline. I’m not content with how her story arc ended. 

10:21 - “I didn’t have anything to do with Endicott’s death and neither did Jessica.” Yep. Gil definitely knows (or at least suspects) that Ainsley and Malcolm are somehow involved with Endicott’s murder. It’s killing me that we’re not getting the big “team and/or Gil find out and/or confront Malcolm about it” moment. 

10:31 - OMG. Alan Cumming’s eyebrow wag here. hahahahaha

10:35 - Look at how pissed off Gil is as soon as Hoxley suggests that he and Jessica have a romantic history. 1) Gil still has it bad for Jessica (and is hurt that she rejected him again 2) Gil’s a pretty private dude and probably doesn’t like his personal business being speculated upon by a total stranger with ill intent 3) Gil is also getting protective of the Whitly’s. Not just Jessica but Malcolm (and maybe Ainsley) too. 

10:58 - Europol agents aren’t allowed to make arrests?!? THEN WTF IS THE POINT OF HOXLEY’S CHARACTER?!? TO DRIVE DOUBT INTO THE MINDS OF THE TEAM WITH REGARDS TO MALCOLM?!? FOR REAL. WHY?! TO FORCE GIL TO ARREST MALCOLM AND AINSLEY?!?!

11:08 - “To watch you put the cuffs on Mr.Endicott’s killer. Deal?” “Deal.” oooooooohhhhhh no. I do not like the foreshadowing here. If Gil has to arrest Ainsley and/or Malcolm.....idek. Part of me wants to watch it for the emotional whump (of all parties - including Jessica). Part of me wants to ugly cry at the thought of it though.

11:39 - “How do you know so much about yachts?” ....THANK YOU JT. DANI HAS A STRANGE AMOUNT OF NAVAL KNOWLEDGE IN THIS EPISODE AND WE ALL KNOW “I watch a lot of Below Deck” IS UTTER HORSE CRAP. Ugh. I want to know more about Dani and JT’s personal lives. So. Badly. 

11:44 - <3 <3 <3 The look Malcolm and JT exchange when Dani claims that she watches a lot of Below Deck is absolutely precious. It’s like they’re best friends and/or brothers. They both knew Dani was lying. <3

11:54 - “At least he’s the real deal.” Ouch. I honestly can’t tell if JT is just teasing Malcolm here or if JT genuinely believes this. ....Is this JT’s way to letting Malcolm know that he has suspicions about his involvement with Endicott’s death?

12:06 - “Says the guy who bought his book.” HA. Dani is on fire this episode. The snark queen. Look at how pleased Malcolm is that Dani is defending him. <3 Warms my cold dead heart.

12:09 - annnnndd now JT is definitely teasing Malcolm. “What our boy Bright needs is a moniker.” hahaha watching Dani and JT come up with stupid profiler monikers was so cute. I love it when the team gangs up to (lovingly) tease Malcolm.

12:30 - “No. Nothing yet.” Again - Malcolm is a terrible liar. The team must know that he’s involved with this thing. They’re detectives. 

12:59 - Martin’s physical reaction to Malcolm saying, “No. That woman does not deserve to die.” Is HILARIOUS. Martin is so freaking desperate for Malcolm to become a serial killer that he doesn’t even care the Ainsley has already murdered someone. 

13:19 - “He has a perfect track record.”.....what? So does that mean he’s solved every case he’s ever worked on? Taken credit for solving every case he’s ever work on? Hand picked the cases he works on so he knows he can solve them? Probably a combination of the above. Sometime about Hoxley reminds me of Gilderoy Lockhart from Harry Potter. You feel me?

13:23 - The fact that Tom Payne (a Brit) is being told that Hoxley has “perfect teeth. For a Brit” by a Welsh man is hilarious.

13:34 - Does this fish packing joint have no security?!? Like Malcolm didn’t have to pick a lock or anything. He just walked right in (and he’s not being quiet).

13:51 - “I can think ruthless. I don’t know if I can be ruthless.” THIS. THIS is Malcolm in a nutshell. Think about Nicky Covington. Malcolm wanted to act ruthless but he couldn’t. He ended up saving Nicky because he couldn’t go through with his ruthless plan. That’s the difference between Malcolm and (quite frankly) the rest of his family. Jessica, Martin, and Ainsley can all be ruthless. All of them. Jessica on a lesser degree but Martin and Ainsley are confidently ruthless. Often.

13:57 - Ok. For real though. HOW HAS NO ONE OVERHEARD THESE PHONE CALLS BETWEEN MARTIN AND MALCOLM. THE PHONES HAVE TO BE TAPPED RIGHT?!? IN A SECURE MENTAL INSTITUTION FOR MURDERERS?!? and I stg that Mr. David knows things. That man is not a moron and he’s pieced stuff together (not from this scene obviously, but still).

14:13. - “Why don’t I break out.” The fact that Malcolm hasn’t mentioned that Martin wants to escape to anyone (since 2x4) is really stressing me out. I know Martin’s going to break out - the promos have made that very obvious but I’m still anxious about it. Mostly I’m worried for the health and safety of Malcolm (and Gil, Jessica, Dani, JT, Edrisa...).

14:17 - “We all go on the run together.” Martin is delusional. He thinks that the whole family will go on the run with him?!?!?  He might be able to convince Ainsley. He might be able to blackmail or threaten Malcolm. BUT Jessica? She’s not going willingly. Hell - she might kill him herself if Martin escapes and tries to come near her (which.....I would actually kind of like to see).

14:48 - The fact that Malcolm apologizes to a corps is so precious. Really reinforces the fact that Malcolm is not a killer. 

15:00 - Oh look. Another scene for Malcolm’s nightmares. “The time I cut off a dead guy’s thumb to protect my sister”

15:24 - annnndd Malcolm is really close to having a panic attack. Look at that face. :( Someone give this guy a hug. Please.

15:34 - Where the HELL is Edrisa!?!?!?

15:42 - Malcolm, you utter moron. What possessed your stupid ass to show up at a crime scene with a soaking wet arm and draw attention to your arm by shaking it?!?! WHEN THE BODY WAS JUST DRAGGED OUT OF A VAT OF WATER. AND YOU TAMPERED WITH THE BODY?!!? YOU DUMBASS. 

15:52 - This is Gil - terrified. He’s scared because 1) he knows Malcolm is lying , 2) he’s concerned for Malcolm’s mental health and 3) he’s starting to think that either a) Malcolm killed this guy, b) Malcolm knows who killed this guy and is obstructing justice, or c) Hoxley is going to pin this on Malcolm and Gil won’t be able to save him.

16:14 - “I’m never buying frozen fish again.” hahaha Dani is killing it this episode. <3

16:23 - Check out how Gil is staring at Malcolm. Gil totally thinks Malcolm has the thumb.

16:50 - “Older model” Shit. Seriously? Are finger print scanners on phones old?!? My phone isn’t that old......I got it 6 years ago? 

17:16 - MALCOLM IS A TERRIBLE LIAR. Honestly, the pure terror on his face throughout most of this episode screams “I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE MURDER.” If the team hasn’t pieced this together yet they’re not worthy of being detectives.

17:29 - I’m not going to lie. I had to fast forward through the Martin/Capshaw scenes for the rewatch. I find them so upsetting to watch. I just can’t do it more than once. Their whole dynamic is gross, creepy, and just ugh. 

20:00 - Jessica and Hoxley talking about Endicott’s death is so satisfying. 

20:35 - “Jessica Whitly. Played for a fool. Yet. Again.” Ok Hoxley. You are not allowed to disrespect my girl Jessica like that. 

21:10 - The biggest problem with Jessica and Gil’s “mock interrogations” by Hoxley is that neither of them mention Ainsley or Malcolm. It’s super suspicious. They mention other people by name. People who should be connected to Ainsley and/or Malcolm given the context of the sentence. Hoxley is a moron for not nailing Ainsley and Malcolm for the crime during this episode. It’s so so so obvious.

21:19 - hahahahahahahaha Jessica grabbing the martini out of Hoxley’s hands. hahahahaha I stan.

21:35 - annnnnd Jessica is a terrible liar as well. Seriously - why doesn’t she just say “ENDICOTT WAS KILLED OVER HERE!!”. Another parallel between her and Malcolm though. Malcolm + Jessica can’t lie well. Ainsley + Martin are expert liars.

22:54 - Again. Ainsley is intrigued at the fact that Malcolm has a thumb in his freezer. Much like Martin would be if he knew. Jessica on the other hand shares Malcolm’s fear and disgust about the situation.

23:00- “We”?!!?!? AINSLEY YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING. MALCOLM HAS BEEN COVERING FOR YOUR ASS. YOU JUST HAVEN’T TURNED YOURSELF IN AFTER YOU REMEMBERED. THAT’S YOUR ONLY CONTRIBUTION TO THE “KEEPING ENDICOTT’S MURDER A SECRET” SITUATION. 

23:07 - “Do you even see what you are doing to him.” This line both terrified and delighted me. On one hand - I’m grateful that Jessica can see how much emotional pain Malcolm is in because of this situation. One the other hand - Ainsley looks pissed that Jessica is blaming her for Malcolm’s general brokenness. If Ainsley goes full serial killer - Malcolm is going to be on her list. “The brother that overshadowed her.” “The favourite child” “The reason she had to be a perfect daughter” “The reason she was ignored”

23:32 - “Got it.” Damn. Ainsley is bitter. She wants to control this situation. She doesn’t like taking orders from Malcolm. 

25:00 - MR.DAVID IS RIGHT THERE. IF HE DOESN’T BLOW THE WHISTLE ON THIS I’M GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED. 

25:12 -”The Brain Fart” hahahahaha OMG. 

25:53 - “You’re being rude Hoxley.” ......Martin being the nice guy? I’m genuinely disgusted.

26:26 - “Your son Malcolm.” THIS. THIS is why Ainsley is so pissed off. Everyone has always thought Malcolm would turn out like Martin. Ever since they were kids. She’s pissed off that no one considers her to be a threat. They’re all concerned for and scared of Malcolm. Not her. She’s invisible. Why do you think she became a TV reporter? To force people to see her. 

26:50 - I’ve never wanted to Martin to kill anyone more than I have in this moment. I do find Martin’s protective love for Malcolm interesting though. 

27:37 - How long was that phone in water before Malcolm grabbed it?!? Anyone ever drop a phone in water? I don’t care how much rice you have. It’s toast 90% of the time. 

27:44 - Malcolm explaining murder to Sunshine is so cute. 

28:22 - And my heart rate has skyrocketed. 

29:10 - “To protect your sister.” Huh. I find it interesting that Hoxley has considered that Malcolm may have killed Endicott to protect Ainsley. It suggests that he thinks Endicott was a threat to Ainsley alive. Makes me wonder about what happened to Ainsley before Malcolm got back to the house in 1x20.

29:16 - “You all had something to gain.” Did they though? Martin had something to gain - keeping his cushy Claremont cell. Ainsley had something to gain - “A news story.” Jessica had something to gain - “safety”. But Malcolm? He didn’t personally have anything to gain. He wanted his Mom and sister safe but he never thought about himself. 

30:11 - “Perhaps the murder weapon is still among your mother’s silver.” I find it interesting Hoxley has pieced that together. I also find it highly unbelievable but that’s just me. 

30:15 - Hoxely, rich people don’t carve their own Christmas roasts. The Whitly’s have staff for that. 

30:24 - “You’re still just a scared little boy. Hungry for daddy’s love.” Ouch. It’s true but it still hurts. This is not helping Malcolm’s mental state. At all. Istg if we don’t get a Malcolm mental health crisis soon I’m going to have my own mental health crisis. Seriously. I want to see this boy lose it. I’m a monster. I know. I want ugly crying. I want panic attacks. I want him to go catatonic. I want someone to comfort him. 

32:35 - Nat’s a good liar. Very convincing. Too bad Malcolm’s a good profiler. 

33:53 - Check out Spider Monkey Malcolm. <3 

34:14 - Earlier this episode when Malcolm said he can think ruthless but not be ruthless? This is the proof. He could’ve sat back and let Natalie kill Hoxley. In some ways - it would be good for Malcolm. But Malcolm’s not ruthless. He values human life. He’s an A+ dude. For better or for worse he tries to help people.

34:26 - Really Hoxley? Do you plan on stabbing Malcolm?!? (FYI - this scene is very reminiscent of Lockhart pulling his wand on Harry and Ron in the Chamber of Secrets #justsaying).

34:45 - “I’m going to be killed by a millennial. What a twist.” hahahhahahahahhaa

35:22 - “I’m British.” hahaha I love this scene so much.

37:14 - FINALLY THE PAPA!GIL CONTENT WE”VE BEEN WAITING FOR. (it’s weak but I’ll take it)

37:39 - AHHHH the fact that Gil and Malcolm are both non-verbally communicating that Natalie didn’t kill Endicott is killing me. Does Malcolm think that Gil hates him? Does Gil really think Malcolm killed Endicott? Or just that Malcolm covered it up? I NEED TO KNOW.

37:46 - Concerned!Gil and a hand on Malcolm’s shoulder. <3 <3 <3 My icy heart has melted. 

37:54 - annnnnd Hoxley ruins the moment.

39:39 - I’m not content with this ending. It’s all too convenient. Hoxley still thinks Ainsley and Malcolm did it. Mark my words. This isn’t over.

39:53 - Ainsley is so smug here. I want to slap her. She’s elated that she’s getting away with murder. She doesn’t care about how it’s hurting her family. 

40:00 - Did they really do the interview inside Jessica’s house?!?! Gross. 

40:17- I might be the only one but I love that polo on Malcolm. Something about it is adorable. 

40:22 - ......is Ainsley really trying to take credit for “putting this Endicott mess behind us”?!?! Because - she didn’t. OMG. She absolutely didn’t. Even if she did - she’s the reason they’re in the mess to being with!!!!!!! I can’t. I just....can’t. 

40:45 - The episode ends right here for me. I know Capshaw and Martin kiss. It makes me want to hurl and I refuse to watch it again. I also know that Capshaw takes the scissors away from Martin. I think their whole dynamic is upsetting and creepy. I’m like 95% sure that Capshaw is a serial killer on the DL. Or at least some sort of psychopath. Martin and Capshaw are both manipulating each other and it’s too stressful to watch. 

I didn’t love this episode. It was a bit all over the place. If you stuck around this long - thank you. I’ll see you guys next week. <3