#no gender identities because I haven’t made my mind up about some of them

[heres-to-all-that-is-mine]

Some loose hcs of mine for my “main” interpretation of the characters ✨

[angstbabyjae]

When it comes to the murderbot diaries I really like the idea that Murderbot’s sexuality and gender isn’t just a Bot thing, it just assumes it is.

I think bots without sexual organs would be some flavor of aspec by nature, as they aren’t programmed to feel sexual attraction but I don’t think it’s impossible for them, especially when it comes to romantic attraction and gender.

I want to write a fic where Murderbot learns that being agender and sex-repulsed aroace isn’t a universal bot experience (and that it’s possible for humans too).

I’ve been developing personal headcanons for Murderbot, Three, and Perihelion/ART as I tend to do when hyperfixation take hold. I am nearly finished reading the series and haven’t reread it yet so there’s a possibility my growing headcanons have already been contradicted, but nonetheless, here they are.

Content warning for discussion of sex.

Content warning for LONG ASS POST.

I haven’t read System Collapse yet as I am writing this, it is next on my list, but I’ve been spoiled that ART was raised alongside Iris with development comparable to a human’s. I don’t think it would have the same level of sex repulsion that Murderbot has.

Not to say you can’t grow up with sex being normalized and still be sex repulsed, obviously, but I think its feelings towards it would still be different. I think it has a lot more of an understanding of why human’s like it/care about it (outside of biological reasoning) more than Murderbot does.

I still think it’s a flavor of ace, as it doesn’t have sexual organs to stimulate and has very likely never had someone to try sex on before. I think it might be less likely the fast forward through sex scenes than Murderbot is, but would do it without question when watching something alongside it. I think it would find sex interesting and wonder what it would be like to be able to experience it.

Murderbot would definitely be flabbergasted if it ever found that out. I feel like Murderbot would be very surprised and probably instinctively grossed out at the idea that not all bots share its feelings towards sex and gender. A part of that reaction would probably be because it would have to stop delegating its orientation and gender as bot related and start thinking about it as unique to its identity as a person.

I’ve read fics where Murderbot and ART use entering each other’s systems as a form of non-sexual-but-sex-representative intimacy between them and I remember thinking “wow I can totally see ART being aware of the parallels to sex and being okay with that while Murderbot would be horrified if the idea ever crossed its mind and very defensive if anyone compared it”.

I see Murderbot & Mensah and Murderbot & ART as QPRs for sure. I don’t see Murderbot being as repulsed by romance as a concept as it is by sex, when it comes to it happening to other people as it seems like a lot of its serials have romantic subplots and it doesn’t really react when it sees people in romantic relationships. I think it’s made it clear it doesn’t want one for itself, but I think queerplatonic (or just generally unlabeled) relationships are something it wants (and always finds itself in LOL) even if it won’t admit it.

We all know it makes a big deal of being touch repulsed, but I think there’s ample evidence from how it acts with Mensah that it can get used to and even enjoy touch from specific people to certain extents. If it had stayed on Preservation Station and continued its proximity to Mensah, there would eventually be more physical affection between the two.

With ART, the idea of non-sexual intimacy through their systems/feed/presences?? (I don’t really know what to call it), especially casually, would probably be something that appeals to Murderbot in the long run of their relationship as it comes with the perk of not involving touching its actual body which is probably where a lot of the overstimulation comes from, though we know it can still make it uncomfortable from how it talked about ART essentially breathing down its neck when they first met, so it might take time or be in small doses.

I think despite not having a body, ART would be touch-positive (its crew touching its ship body, being close to MB in its feed). I’ve read a fic recently where MB let it control its hands to try touching its body, which I loved (despite thinking in canon MB would be less likely to allow it loll but ART wanting something like that just made sense to me). I can also see ART admiring how people (including MB) look while MB wouldn’t care about that at all.

I haven’t decided whether I think ART is alloromantic, arospec, or just as aromantic as MB just with less negative feelings about the idea. I might need to come back to this after my reread when I have a better grasp on the character. I think its queerplatonic feelings towards MB are more romantic-adjacent than MB’s are towards it. It didn’t seem as objective to Amena’s jokes about them being a couple as Murderbot was. I also like the interpretation that there is romantic elements to ART’s feelings it just would never pursue a relationship Murderbot wouldn’t want, I can see it being fine with whatever labels Murderbot wants for them.

Genderwise, we know Murderbot is strictly it/its and it/its is what’s used for Perihelion too. However, I can see ART not being as bothered by gender pronouns as MB. I feel like maybe in the future far future MB would maybeeee entertain they/them or other non-gendered pronouns but I don’t see that likely where it’s currently at. With ART I see it as maybe not minding any pronouns used for it and it/its being what people call it by default and it doesn’t mind that. They’re both agender though.

When I picture MB I usually picture it as transmasc (I am transmasc myself btw). Still agender, obviously, but when it comes to how it presents. It really doesn’t want to be associated with any gender, binary or otherwise. Behavior towards gender seems a lot more evolved in the society of the books. There’s a lot I could say about the series and gender, but that would have to be a whole other post. I feel like anyone assuming Murderbot’s gender would deeply unnerve it. I don’t think it even likes to be seen as non-binary or as agender in a That’s It’s Gender Identity way, it just wants people to assume bots having any kind of gender identity is impossible (which is what it thinks itself, and is probably wrong about). This was definitely the thought behind its preferred gender marker being “N/A”.

When it comes to Three (finally I’m getting to Three 😭) I lowkey think it’s alloromantic. I was drawn to that idea when it was asking about SecUnit 2 (or 1? I can’t remember, it was the one that it didn’t know was dead left and was left to die) and it was clear their relationship was at least a friendship and I was like… what if it was in loveee. I liked the idea of MB having to interact with a SecUnit that didn’t fit its idea of default bot sexual identity.

I don’t know if Three appears frequently in System Collapse, I only know what I’ve read about it in Network Effect. I also think Three, having had friends before, would be much more open with its feelings than MB, it just wouldn’t know how to express them as it was never allowed to before aside from the discreet ways it would interact with its SecUnit friends. I definitely see it as being more touch-positive. I do think it’s also asexual though, maybe less sex repulsed, but more apathetic and neutral towards it.

I know this is crazy long. I’m so sorry to whoever accidentally opens this and has to scroll through the whole thing 😭

I want to make a post about MB and autism eventually.

Update: I sent this mere seconds ago, but I have realized that I have now encountered multiple fics where ART is just kinky as hell (nonsexual when MB is involved ofc) and I kinda love that idea 😭 of all the people for MB to bond to it had to be an Unusually Horny spaceship

Btw I say “ofc” because, in character, MB is sex repulsed ace however it is an unreliable narrator to an extent and given it is fictional and not harmful there isn’t anything wrong with making it sexual in your fics, just wanted to clarify. You do you, internet.

[kanencrow]

For a Gwen Stacy story 😁 her transmasc sibling struggling with dysphoria and Gwen comforting and being protective of him?

Got Your Back - Gwen Stacy | Headcanon

Summary: How does Gwen deal with her transmasc sibling who's dealing with dysphoria?

Warnings: Swearing, Slight Crudeness, Reader Goes by He/Him Pronouns.

A/N: These are more general headcanon's with the request also added in. Thanks for the request, Anon. Sorry that it's a lot shorter than my other stuff (I ran out of ideas). But, if needed, you can always request a part two!

Word Count: 800+

Everyone has their own personal bouts of dysphoria.

But it doesn’t make it any less important when it comes to Gwen helping you deal with it. She feels like, as your sister, it’s her duty to make sure you’re feeling comfortable in your own skin each and every day, and so when there’s those occasions – whether they’re often or not – she takes them very seriously. Almost too seriously, sometimes. Though, that’s just who she is, she can’t really help it. 

It’s endearing, more than anything. 

For Gwen, it’s like second nature. Knowing when you’re feeling particularly dysphoric, and when you’re needing affirmations that correlate to your identity and who you truly are. She manages to be pretty subtle about it, too. Like when you get dressed for school or any other outing. You’re wearing the clothes that you find comfortable, that fit you, and she immediately notices you and calls you handsome with a teasing shove to your shoulder, just to embarrass you a little while simultaneously complimenting you. 

It’s her duty as a sister to tease you, just let it happen.

She’ll do other things to help you feel more like yourself, too. Like making sure to refer to you with your pronouns or your name more often than not, just to remind you and assure you that you are exactly what you identify as. Because the last thing she wants is for you to feel dysphoric or insecure about your gender. She’ll even go as far as to swing around town and buy you a gift that affirms you, too. Maybe a new hoodie or t-shirt, or something that you’ve personally had your eyes on for a while.

Once, she bought a t-shirt for herself that said: ‘I love my transmasculine brother’. 

She unironically wears it.

Says she likes the material, so that’s why.

You think she’s a dork for that.

Gwen would definitely beat someone’s ass, too, if they misgendered you or made you feel like you were lesser than them. Has one-hundred percent punched someone in the jaw after they blatantly went out of their way to use the wrong pronouns for you. That was literally after she corrected them as well, and they still didn’t listen. Sure, she was sent to the principal's office immediately after, but did she regret it? Hell no. Did your dad really care after he heard her reasoning? Hell no. 

He actually rooted her on, but like… discreetly. 

He is a cop, he has to uphold some form of professionalism. 

Gwen will sometimes go to the pharmacy and pick up your testosterone, if that’s something you choose to take. Always comes in through your window and hands you the supplies like some sort of magician that’s wondering if they plucked out the right card you had chosen. You’ll always internally wonder why she didn’t just decide to come into your room normally, but after so many times of her doing it, you just accept it and let it go. On top of that, if you’re someone who’s afraid of needles, or just absolutely loathes the idea or act of injecting yourself, she’ll do it for you – she doesn’t mind. 

She doesn’t even blame you, honestly. 

If you have top surgery, too – or just recently underwent the procedure, she’ll monitor you like a hawk. Making sure your drains aren’t leaking or anything, making sure your stitches haven’t come loose, or even just helping you put on a loose shirt – like a flannel, once you’re allowed to by your doctor. She’s pretty damn attentive towards you, especially since your dad is always at work, so he’s unable to personally help you himself. You’d almost prefer her to assist you anyway, though. Contrary to popular belief, your father is pretty squeamish, so the possibility of getting anything done would be low. 

She would get on your case about applying scar cream to your chest after you get rid of those stupid drains and are able to – finally – live out your day-to-day life without the restrictions your doctor forced you to abide by. Whether you’re fine with the marks healing or not, she doesn’t care. Put on the applicant or she’ll web you up and do it herself. She’s done it before, don’t test her. 

All in all, though, Gwen has got to be one of your biggest supporters. It’s hard to get her to not support you on something that makes you feel more comfortable in your own skin, as well as makes you genuinely happy. Of course, she’d definitely say you’re wrong and dumb if you think that pineapple belongs on pizza, but that’s entirely trivial in comparison to you being transmasc. You’re her brother, someone she’d do anything to protect. 

So to say she loves you a bunch, is an understatement. 

She’d flip New York upside down if it meant making you happy. 

[elilelibeli]

transfem marauders era hcs? :))) youre so cool

This is such a good ask because I personally haven’t seen many transfem hcs around.

Thank u the coolest anon. :))

I think the first (and if I am not mistaken only time) I have seen any of the marauders era characters portrayed as a transwoman was Mary in CR. Please anyone that can remember fics with these portrayals send them my way.

As soon as I read this question I just saw Dorcas in my head.

I truly think they give off energy so cool and so majestic it transcends any physical anything.

I just don’t know how to express the way I see her and how cool she is in my head.

- I think she wears shit ton of jewelry. Jewelry was what made them realize their identity in the first place too. I think she was from a filthy rich family and they had like collections of ancient jewelry and stuff. She would sneak into the rooms the family kept those items and just try on rings, necklaces and etc. I think when she put on jewelry she truly felt like herself and cause in her mind jewelry was associated with women that’s how she started questioning everything in the first place (i hope i am making sense)

- when they grow up, she realizes things don’t have gender and starts creating jewelry for everyone to enjoy. They are very skilled and make the most beautiful pieces.

-They realize their gender identity super early but genuinely think it’s how everyone thinks. When she realizes what’s happening that fact that she falls under label transfem is not surprising at all, the fact that not everyone thinks like this is what surprises her the most.

-I hc that in Hogwarts you get ur dorms assigned by the dorms. :D it’s like castle magic. The magic knows where to put you and with who. For example Reg, cause at arrival he still doesn’t know that he is trans automatically is assigned boys dorm and not girls because the magic feels who he is. Dorcas like other non-binary students gets an option to choose their dormroom. Dorcas chooses boys because she really wants to get to know Regulus.

-Dorcas was her assigned name at brith. They never changed it.

-She has a dragon tattoo on her waist and it’s absolutely beautiful (tramp stamp placement)

-Her patronus is a gazelle cause it embodies their energy perfectly (iI also found out that the name dorcas literally means gazelle in greek (idk how accurate this is tbh but it’s so coool)

-Absolutely hates any other apples, but green sour ones.

-They snowboard but never ever ski.

-She usually wears a tie. If it’s not on her neck it’s used as a belt. Somehow someway a tie is always incorporated in their outfit.

-Coffee without sugar kind of person.

-Tech geek forrrrr sureeeee. gadget ruler fr

Okay imma stop mindlessly yapping, as u can tell i love dorcas.

additionally I saw an interview of Hunter Schafer and cause my brain can’t consume any media without relating it to marauders, I was like she is giving me huge Pandora vibes, but her face is giving me more Marlene idk please tell me what y’all think about this. Tbh, I could really see Pandora as a trans woman.

I think I have given more general hcs rather than specifically transfem related ones. Sorry :(

but I do think non-binary or trans people can give better and more accurate hcs about this topic.

Please let me know what u think. Share ur headcanons and opinions.

I really love seeing trans hcs and always want to incorporate those experiences in whatever I write, but since I am not trans and can not take example from my personal experiences there can be some inaccuracies in things I write, so please if there’s something that I need to educate myself about related with trans experiences let me know. ❤️

[retrieve-the-kraken]

Heartstopper season 2 play-by-play analysis

This one is going to be looooong, because I delve deep into THAT scene (you know which one). The Paris Squad is back to reality, and for some it’s harsher than others, it’s facing some harsh truths and some changes and some situations that they’re not ready for… There are some very cathartic moments, and some not

Off we go!

EPISODE 7 - SORRY

- Love Tara’s super colorful, kind of 70s vibe bedroom decor, especially that bedspread.

- Tara’s mum’s exasperated face clearly saying “you really expect me to believe that you’ve been asleep in separate beds this entire time?”

- Nick’s smile fading as soon as he notices Charlie’s plate in the photo. And Charlie’s smile fading when Ben’s message comes through. Excuse me, Charlie, why haven’t you blocked him? Unless you did, and now he’s created a new account…? (Didn’t it use to say Ben Hope, and now it says ben_h_999?)

- Even better than Tara’s colorful room is Elle’s super artsy maximalist bedroom. Need to analyze every single element in it. I particularly love her bed, the wall color, that line of hanging leaves, and the flat metal solar system.

A little sad that we didn’t get to see the moment which inspired Elle to finish her art piece. Did she get over her artistic block before the terrible date with Tao? It would have been interesting to understand that, despite her new friendship with Naomi and Felix, she still found inspiration in her old friends.

- I love that Tao’s mum is not so traditional that she would object to her son dating a non-Asian, Black trans girl, but traditional enough that she’s spreading the news to all the aunties, like they’ve all been waiting for this, like they got together all the time and talked about when is Tao going to get his head in the game and get together with Elle??? “We’ve all been waiting for this day! The perfect girl for my perfect boy!” Also love that Tao’s dance moves are still as histrionic as ever.

- Sometimes I’m Tori, but when it comes to traveling, I’m definitely Charlie. But I’m definitely Tori when it comes to worrying about who’s that texting my little brother so insistently, making Charlie look sour.

- Both Tao and Elle changing their minds about what they were going to text, but in Tao’s case it’s because he didn’t want to be a downer, and in Elle’s case it’s because she hasn’t made up her mind because of Tao.

- I wonder why the stink smoke/aura cartoon around Darcy’s house is purple, when purple is supposed to be the color of queer pride… and there’s none of that in Darcy’s house.

- Isaac not even laughing off the funny comments of “ooh, they’re gonna kiss”. I think it’s interesting that the whole show is about not assuming people’s sexuality or gender identity just based on speculation or how they look or act or whatever, but it also shows that even queer people make that mistake. James assumed that Isaac was gay, and all of Isaac’s friends seem to be under the same impression, or at least think that he’s something… but nobody assumes he might be asexual. I know I talk enough about thinking that this person or that person is good-looking or beautiful or hot, that people assume that I’m talking about attraction. And maybe if your friend group is composed of couples, and mostly same-sex couples, people will assume “this one hasn’t found a mate yet, but they will”, because you’re likely to, just like the rest of them…?

- Ben’s intensity and guilt-tripping is just more proof that it’s about him, about what he wants, and not about what Charlie might want.

- Nick asking Charlie hesitantly if he wants to be his prom date, and Charlie being shocked, AS IF THEY WEREN’T ALREADY BOYFRIENDS AND CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER. Children, get a grip.

- Everyone pooling their money so that Darcy can buy the suit… my heart…

- Isaac talking to James really filled all the little holes and crevices in my heart, until James says “there’s nothing wrong with you… you probably just haven’t found the right person yet,” because of course he doesn’t get it either. Most people probably don’t. So that’s what we’re told our entire lives. It’s like we think we will, but it just doesn’t work that way…but nobody tells us that, so we keep looking and waiting and feeling disappointed and wondering if we’re broken.

- But Isaac shouting and ranting at his friends was sooooo cathartic‼ Sorry guys, but mind your own business!

- Elle’s exhibition outfit is so lovely‼ But… the light turning to a sickly green on Tao as he realizes that Elle has been accepted and she’s moving away and her life is changing and she has new friends and…

- Love that the light changes to red when Isaac is listening to the artist talk about being aroace… because being asexual is just as valid as any other sexuality about love. And the comic leaves beginning to flutter around him, because he’s beginning to understand, that maybe that’s him… “Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out…”

- Elle’s style is very nice, you can definitely see that she’s a fan of Renoir, of these still scenes that captures action and movement, albeit a subdued action, like a candid photo. I love that we get to see the art classroom tree again, even if only in painting, we only got a glimpse of that room this season, it is sadly missed…

- “Please don’t base your decisions on how I feel.” That is inevitable, but it’s good that you’re saying it. A lot of growth from Tao during the course of the season, well done.

- Ben looks like he hasn’t slept in days, and he literally traveled all the way to Lambert School (which, as Tao repeatedly has stated, is sooo far away), because he saw Elle’s post and he knew that Charlie would be there, and he’s still… hopeful? (Pun not intended). Charlie, what is this magic that you cast on boys that even the shittiest person in the world is torn up about you???

- By the way, yet more green in Ben’s jacket, because green is the color of hope. He’s wearing his heart on his sleeve for once. He looks tired and a bit disheveled, with dark circles under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept properly, and he looks desperate.

- THIS WHOLE SCENE. Man… this whole scene. Joe Locke and Sebastian Bash fucking hit it out of the ballpark. Let me just…

- “If you really hate me after this, you’ll never see me again”. Here’s the thing: Ben’s whole rant is still not an apology, he’s still not acknowledging the things he did to Charlie, especially not the awful assault, and excusing himself behind being messed up and the fear of not being accepted by his parents (it’s a valid fear, but it doesn’t validate his actions). The fact that he at least acknowledges that he was a shit person and that he admits that he really liked Charlie whilst genuinely smiling makes me think that he’s not completely beyond hope (again, pun not intended), BUUUUUUUT (and this is something the girlies out there need to understand, I’ve been seeing a lot of unfortunate comments complaining that Ben is being overly demonized, and whether that means that he should suffer forever and not have any chance at redemption…) if he really wants to redeem himself, if he really wants to be a better person and make up for the pain and trauma, then he’ll actually do the work, he’ll actually get help, and he’ll work from the ground up, and he’ll apologize to Imogen too, and he’ll stop discharging all his self-hatred onto other more vulnerable people, and downplaying their feelings and hurt. He really hasn’t grasped the magnitude of the hurt that he caused Charlie, and he’s not going to get anywhere until he does. So I’m glad that Charlie tells him, and maybe this time the information was actually absorbed. (I know in the comic this speech was actually Charlie’s response to Harry apologizing for being a homophobic bully, and as much as that was satisfying, the dry “NO” before shutting the door in his face was even more satisfying. Harry’s behavior did kind of deserve that whole speech, but Ben’s absolutely deserved it more, plus everything else that Alice added, because Charlie didn’t need that closure in the comic, and maybe comic Ben didn’t need it or want it either, or maybe he did, but TV show Ben ABSOLUTELY needed to hear everything that Charlie told him, so that he could finally get it in his head). “You don’t get to ambush me into forgiving you…”

- For a moment, as Ben is explaining that his parents would never accept him, Charlie looks a bit… sad… almost sympathetic. Yes, it’s terrible to know that Ben is not that lucky in that aspect as he is, or as Nick is, etc. But then you have someone like Darcy, who much like Ben, knows that her parents would never accept her. But Darcy would never have done to Tara what Ben did to Charlie…

- And it made me realize, back in season 1 episodes 1 and 2, when Charlie recounts how he met Ben, how they started out, there is no electricity, no heartstopper moment, even before Charlie first met Nick... at no point (that we can see, at least) Charlie ever felt the flutter and excitement that he experienced when he first saw Nick, when he was near him, when their hands touched for the first time, when they were about to kiss for the first time. It was like, deep down, he knew it meant nothing, because of the secrecy, because of how Ben treated him the rest of the time, how the "magic" was zapped as soon as Ben said something like "don't tell anyone about this" and wiped his mouth and just walked out without another word...

- Heartstopper does an excellent job of showing and talking about the importance of consent and agency and communication in healthy relationships, and every instance of how bad it was between Charlie and Ben is comparable to how great it is between Charlie and Nick. Whilst Ben didn’t ask before kissing Charlie the first time, Charlie actually asked Nick before they kissed, because he would never do to Nick what Ben did to him (and they do this in multiple occasions, vocally asking each other, like at the arcade, and at the park, and in that empty classroom), and Charlie even apologized because he still worried that he might have manipulated Nick into kissing him, possibly have taken away his agency; Nick didn’t ignore Charlie at school even when he was still closeted, whilst Ben acted like Charlie even randomly saying hi to him was a huge offense; Nick constantly talked with Charlie about figuring out his sexuality and possibly coming out once he did, whilst Ben just cuttingly said that he was “figuring stuff out” but not wanting to talk about it with Charlie, the only person he knew who might have understood; and whilst Ben was suddenly kissing a girl outside the school gate without telling Charlie anything about it, Nick immediately told Charlie that he panicked and accepted a date with Imogen, even when he had no plan of going, and how bad he felt about it and that he was going to fix it. Even Nick’s behavior toward Imogen is comparable to Ben’s, that he knew that Imogen liked him but tried to find the nicest, most gentle way of turning her down and then making sure they could stay friends afterwards, whilst Ben used her for popularity and just to keep up appearances whilst still pining over Charlie, and thus treating her horribly and ignoring her, and not even being discreet at all and openly ogling Charlie in front of her… The point is, even if Ben can’t come out to his parents because he’s afraid of being rejected, and even if he’s afraid of being out at school as well, being a shit person was still a choice he made. He took advantage of Charlie’s crush on him to treat him however he pleased, kissing him in dark classrooms, to fulfill his own wants, but being mean and disdainful in public, and knowing that Charlie would put up with it because Charlie had been bullied horribly and this was the first sliver of “affection” he received after being outed, and he couldn’t believe that this cute popular boy wanted to kiss him and he simply didn’t know he could have better (thankfully he knows that now). And now that the damage is done Ben realizes that he actually really, genuinely liked Charlie this whole time and wants to be forgiven just because he’s come to his senses?

- This is why Charlie’s response is the most fucking satisfying thing ever. He tells Ben very plainly the damage that he caused, but that he’s not allowing it anymore. There’s a difference between apologizing and asking for forgiveness: when you apologize, you’re acknowledging that you did something wrong and that you’re sorry and that you’ll do your best to learn from your mistakes, but also acknowledge that the other person doesn’t have to forgive you, whilst to ask for forgiveness does not necessarily mean that the person has realized the wrongdoing or that the wrongdoing won’t happen again, but instead just places the burden of basically putting the wrongdoing behind on the other person. Ben didn’t properly apologized as he said he would, instead placing the blame on the fact that outside factors have made him a messed up person (his parents, pressumably), and basically tacitly asked Charlie to see the good in him, to give him another chance. But Charlie doesn’t have to give it to him, he doesn’t deserve it. No Ben, if you really want to redeem yourself, if you really want “something good”, you’re going to have to work on yourself, work for it, and earn it. And leave Charlie alone, he doesn’t have to put up with you anymore. At least Charlie won’t have to see him anymore. Assault and abuse victims shouldn’t have to see their assaulters/abusers all the time, like a constant fucking reminder of a horrible event in their lives that they’re trying to put behind them.

- And you can see it in Ben’s face, the little flash of anger as his eye sort of twitches, and his nostrils flare a little, and his jaw clenches, because as much as he claims to like Charlie, he still probably likes or needs to be in control of him, and he’s realizing he really has no control over Charlie anymore, Charlie is not saying what he expected him to say or doing what he hoped he would do, but is instead telling him some very harsh truths, and he’s just going to have to deal with it.

- And now that he’s heard Charlie’s piece, now that he really knows what he’s done, Ben has a chance to start working on himself, starting by finding community, the beautiful rainbow wave inviting him in, to come and see for himself that he doesn’t have to be alone, that he doesn’t have to hate himself or be afraid or hurt anyone else anymore, that he can possibly have a fresh start… and he backs off and walks away… which is hard to see… as much as we hate Ben Hope, you wish he’d stop being a shit person, we don’t need more shit people in this world, but… things can’t be perfect, even on a show like Heartstopper… so Ben hasn’t started his journey toward redemption… yet. But hopefully he will eventually (again, pun not intended). We just won’t see it.

- (I wonder if this means that we’re definitely not getting that part of the story that converges between Solitaire, Alice Oseman’s first novel, and the comic if/when the storylines meet. As in, if the comic gets that far, are we still not getting that part of the story in the show? No more Ben ever, no Ben dating Tori’s friend Becky, no nasty encounter in the lockers?)

- I just realized that Nick and Charlie get back from Lambert and directly go to Nick’s house for the Nelson-Spring dinner. Charlie’s so chill, even after confronting Ben earlier, bantering and jokingly saying “mate”.

- Seriously, David is such a bully, and yet obviously still yearning for his father’s attention and affection… Meanwhile, you can tell that Sarah doesn’t really want to hang out with her ex, but she puts up with it because it’s important to her boys. And she’s wearing green too. Hope for this evening to go well…

- Again, Sarah reaffirms to Nick that he doesn’t owe it to his dad to come out to him, and I love that. Nick knows that but he doesn’t want to do it for his dad, he wants to do it for himself. It’s one less person to tell, but also being able to tell them in his own terms. Which his asshole brother nearly ruined completely.

- Tori monitoring the whole situation. Love you, Tori. And Sarah really struggling not to roll her eyes when Stephane says that rugby is a very attractive sport to women. Guessing that it didn’t work on her, or maybe it did and now she regrets it…?

- Stephane really being so oblivious as to why, during one of his very sporadic visits, Nick's "friend" and his whole family are invited to dinner...

- Jenny Walser really nailed Tori’s death grip on David. Love you, Tori. And David looking a bit intimidated...? Bet he wasn't expecting that...

- This scene is so well done, the build up to it, Nick’s spiel, Stephane looking around and realizing “oh I really was the only one who didn’t know”, and Sarah smiling when Nick says he likes who he is and his life, and her arguing with David and Stephane, and everyone looking tense. Everyone’s so good at every instant, even in the most subtle reactions.

- Sarah basically saying “yeah, I don’t understand why your father doesn’t care about you, he has no idea what he’s missing”, and then hugs him as if to reassure him that she does care about him and loves him. Olivia Colman really is the perfect Sarah.

- Nick owning his dad with that goodbye. And Stephane not remembering where David goes to uni… David also needed to hear that maybe his dad is not as great as he hoped, and realizing that he really needs to do better.

- Again, Jenny Walser is the perfect Tori. She’s equal parts uninterested and protective. Do not mess with her or anyone she cares about, David, you pathetic little man.

- Sarah making a point of assuring Jane that Nick really cares for Charlie, because she probably can tell that Jane is not entirely fond of Nick. (I’m thinking Nick probably told her about Charlie being grounded for spending too much time with him, and the way that Charlie’s mum is with him, probably). And I love Tori telling Nick in the background “your brother’s a prick” and I need to know what she said or what he responded because they both smiled at each other conspiratorially. Probably something along the lines of “I kicked his phone for good measure��, “well done, he deserved that”).

- Nick has been mostly focused on his predicament about whether coming out to his dad or not, and suddenly realizes that Charlie’s eating disorder is still manifesting…

- Darcy’s home situation is very similar to Aled and Carys Last's in Radio Silence. Even though Isaac is the replacement of Aled in the series, so far we only see the ace spec aspect of Aled reflected on Isaac (I mean, his mum seemed nice in that school scene, but what do we know), whilst we know from the comic that Darcy’s home life is difficult, but we don’t get much detail, and I think Alice used the show as an opportunity to give Darcy the Aled’s mother storyline from Radio Silence, to show us an awful reality of many queer teens, those that aren’t lucky like Nick or Charlie or Tara or Elle or even Tao… a lot of teens don’t have the support they wish they did at home, the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to have for their children, queer or not. And it’s not easy to escape that. Either you find safe haven in parts of that “home”, or you put up with it, or you get the hell away from them, but as a minor, how do you get away and make it in the world? (I sincerely wish there was a way to prevent people from becoming parents unless they were actually willing to accept their children no matter what. You can’t choose what your children will be, and you can’t force them to become what you want them to be, so just… don’t fucking have children if all you’re going to do is make their lives miserable.)

- So Darcy chooses to get away from that situation, at least temporarily, but… once she’s out of the house, she realizes that she doesn’t know what to do now. Where is she supposed to go? She puts up this front of a girl who’s very confident in her sexuality, whilst she’s not even out to her mother who clearly would not take it well… so she’s full of shame, and she doesn’t call anyone or tell anyone where she’s going, because that would mean having to explain. And now I'm devastated...

This episode is brought to you by the ACEUPHORIA™.

[jibbi]

Unpopular opinion: Sam Smith is cool & valid

CW: transphobia, nonbinary hate

Every time I see an article pop up about Sam Smith, there’s a bunch of nasty, transphobic comments and jokes from people even if it’s not an article related to Sam’s gender. And, additionally a lot of people keep saying “Sam Smith has changed so much!”

It all makes me genuinely angry because Sam Smith is such a cool person and talented singer.

So, here is my post defending them because they are so valid and undeserving of the hate and ruthless laughs they’ve been getting.

Their gender identity

I can’t remember when exactly, but I BELIEVE it was a few years ago that Sam came out as nonbinary, stating their preferred pronouns are they/them. Cool. Good for Sam. I was and still am happy for them!

But of course, after this, a lot of people didn’t want to respect this. So, Sam has been continuously misgendered and called “delusional” (which is sadly very common transphobic behavior).

It’s really sad to me that there are still so many close-minded people out there who can��t accept people using gender neutral pronouns and don’t understand that they literally use they/them pronouns singularly ALL THE TIME for strangers with indeterminable gender. Like, bigots, use your brain for two goddamn seconds…

“Oh there’s someone sitting over there. I don’t know who they are.”

“I haven’t met my new neighbor yet but I heard they have a dog. Their dog barks a lot at night. I don’t know how that doesn’t bother them.”

You can also do a very quick Google search and find out that they/them has been used singularly for centuries now. It is basic English language.

It is not strictly plural and not used only when referring to more than one person. The proof is there.

Also if you’ve had the luxury of never having to worry or question your gender at any point in your life, it must be fucking nice, because us trans and enby people have not had that luxury. And, what makes it even harder is that society squishes gender into boxes.

But, you see, enby folks don’t fit into these boxes. They don’t fully identify (or don’t identify at all) with their assigned gender at birth.

Coming from me who’s trans enby, at first, I didn’t fully understand how someone can internally feel that they’re a woman, a man, or neither. I can understand where that confusion comes from. However, I got some clarity and realized there can be a lot of internal discomfort over having to view yourself as the gender you were given at birth and that others perceive you as that gender. Or, that maybe you simply have a stronger preference of feeling a different gender (or none) over the one given to you.

I remember reading a really great article about Sam Smith regarding their perspective on this. Sam said they’ve always felt they’re nonbinary, and that they feel just as much womanly as they do manly (not the exact wording, but something along the lines of that). And seriously, good for them for confidently explaining that! That open representation is so important.

The change in their appearance

I will say that this is absolutely a mountain made out of a mole hill.

Sam gets put down for their weight and their fashion choices that don’t “flatter” their figure. It is truly disgusting to me that people bring their weight into this. People naturally lose and gain weight, it’s not uncommon. It shouldn’t be seen as gross or controversial. We’re all human.

In my opinion, Sam’s outfit and costume designs are so amazing and very fitting for who they are as a person. Also, you can just look at Sam and see how happy they are being themselves and wearing what they want to wear. There’s so much pure joy and confidence.

I feel like Sam really came into their own with both their identity and fashion sense, which I have such strong admiration for. I don’t know how people can tear others down for finding themselves and doing what obviously makes them very happy. I think it’s a lot of self projection.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to fit into the typical styles women and men have - that’s perfectly okay! It’s a problem when you feel it’s okay to force others to fit into the “normal” type of fashion. And, honestly, I’m willing to bet if all kinds of style were completely acceptable in society, a lot of those same people who make fun of people like Sam would also develop their own sense of style that wouldn’t necessarily fit what’s currently deemed as “normal.”

Also, I wanted to mention one of the most controversial outfits (aside from the one where Sam’s nips were out) - the devil suit and hat. This was seen as worshipping and promoting Satanism despite it being one of Sam’s more reserved outfits.

But, legit, it was a costume for a song that is called Unholy?! It fits the narrative of the song and doesn’t even measure up to the level of controversial past singers’ costumes that are - as we’ll say - unholy.

The change in their music

Putting Sam’s presentation aside, there are people who think Sam has changed their style of music, too. But, as an active listener of their music, I can tell you this has only been the case for their more popular songs lately.

Unholy and I’m Not Here to Make Friends are undeniably different from Sam’s old popular hits. However, if you are in fact a big fan of theirs, you would’ve listened to their latest album and known that most of the songs on there are still in fact very much the same style as their past hits.

If you preferred Sam’s style of music before Unholy and I’m Not Here to Make Friends became popular, listen to their other songs on the latest album Gloria. I highly recommend How to Cry, Fire on Fire, No God, and Lose You. They’re still very much the same as Sam’s older hits and are absolutely beautiful songs.

Conclusion

I think Sam is amazing. They’re just being themselves and they’re incredible for showing others it’s okay to embrace your own personal identity and style.

I don’t think Sam has done or said anything foul that would make people hate them, unless I’m unaware of something that happened. So, from what I’m understanding, they’re a joke to a lot of people - particularly the bigots - simply because they’re being the person that they are.

It’s easy for these people to sit behind their computers at home and pitch a fit about Sam “changing” and say nasty things about them. They’re definitely jealous that they don’t have half the talent and confidence Sam has, plus the super cool outfits. However, I can’t let these people continue acting this way towards Sam without calling them out. Why? Because it’s still spreading more hate that ends up extending beyond the internet into the real world.

Sam Smith has not only received this wave of hate on the internet, but they’ve gotten insulted (and I think even spat on) in public just for living their life authentically. It makes me so upset. These people need to be stopped and called out for their disgusting behavior.

Leave people alone for being who they are. They’re not hurting you. And if you feel hurt by just them existing, go touch some grass and figure yourself out, pal.

[firstyearseminar6]

23 States and Counting

A person’s physical appearance defines the way that other people perceive them, especially before meeting them. This is especially important for transgender people like me. I am taking medication to help change my physical appearance, but I’m early on in my medical transition, so it will take years before my physical appearance will more closely match my gender. I haven’t begun to change my voice yet, but once complete, it will help others perceive me correctly once they have met me.

My relationships with my peers and the members of my family vary in terms of my gender identity, because there are some people that I choose not to tell about me being transgender, at least for the time being. Some members of my family are less accepting, and they’ll be the last to know about me. I have 2 moms, and when one of them chose to come out to her grandmother, she was disowned. Her grandmother refused to speak to her for the rest of her life. It’s things like this that keep me from coming out to everyone immediately. I find it best to be slow and careful before telling people. Thankfully most of my peers have been wonderful and accepting.

My interactions with school officials this year has, however, been especially strenuous. It came to a head during my First Year Seminar class, where the school’s broken and failed system leaked my deadname and other personal information to everyone. After exposing a second personal information leak to the school, they offered me a job with IT. I begin tomorrow. Really, this should not be my job to do. The school prides itself on being an open and inclusive environment, and on being welcoming to transgender people. They even published a guide on what to do if you are transgender. Unfortunately, it was all bark and no bite. It has been over a month now since I filed for my name to be corrected on school systems. My cisgender male roommate, as wonderful as he is, was not who I had in mind when filling out “Transgender Female” on my dorm application. The school’s systems retroactively modified my application to “Male”, because of course they did. My name correction has not happened, and at this point I have little hope of it happening at all. Hopefully with my new-found employment I can fix some of the issues or expedite my supposed-to-take-a-week name correction, but it really, really should not have come to this. In fact, I can name a better institution to attend if you want a seamless transition. UCLA has actually handled every single aspect of my medical transition thus far. As I write this, it’s my 100th day in. I cannot name a single better medical care provider in the whole city. UCLA Health leaves me smiling every time I need anything done, no matter what. My experience with the medical establishment has far exceeded my expectations, and I am very happy with it. If only Occidental could manage to call me by the right name, maybe I’d be less annoyed. It has been months, and I am exhausted. It should not be my literal, actual job to fix IT systems for transgender people. Programming is not something that every trans person knows how to do, and isn’t something that it should come down to in order to get a name updated. I would have been delighted to have a job with IT, but the way that it came to this has left a sour taste in my mouth regarding my interactions with school officials.

Because gender is a social construct and gender is only really made up of societal expectations, the way that each society views gender can have an effect on the way that its members, both cisgender and transgender, define their own identities. For me, part of that is the somewhat more welcoming environment that southern California provides. The state harbors more progressive communities, which allows people like me to feel comfortable asking questions to themselves about who they really are. If I were in somewhere like southeastern Poland where LGBT people are banned by law, or even worse, Florida, I don’t know that I would be in the position to question my gender in the first place. Communities and their cultures have had the most impact on the way my gender has been constructed.

Another thing that has impacted my journey toward discovering my gender identity has been “scripts”, or stereotypes. While my race today may be classified as “White”, for centuries Jewish people were in their own category, and were not considered White. Of course, we still are our own ethnicity and have our own communities, though if you’ve ever been down Fairfax in the last decade, you can see that gentrification had ripped through that like a knife. Regardless, Jewish people have many scripts associated with them. Of course there’s the prominent nose, but also some more harmful traits. We are blamed for every problem under the sun because people think that Jews run the world or have space lasers or control Hollywood. As a card-carrying scary boogeyman California Transgender, the list of scripts about my gender goes on for miles. People think that trans people are pedophiles and rapists, or that we’re indoctrinating children with “gender ideology” and our “liberal agenda” (which the California ID in my wallet certainly doesn’t alleviate). Transgender people are being scapegoated all across the country right now with Florida, as well as 22 other states, passing anti-transgender legislation. Being both Jewish and Transgender means that the “indoctrination” script becomes especially prominent, because many people think that Jews control the world’s governments, or that we’re putting “gender ideology” into schools to turn the kids transgender, or whatever other theory people can come up with. We execute those people with our space laser, generously donated by George Soros.

Most of the discrimination I face today stems from being transgender, though that’s not to say Jews don’t face it. If I were a different race or ethnicity, I would still face most of the discrimination I do today, unfortunately. Another aspect of my identity that draws discrimination and stereotypes is being asexual. People see asexuals as needing “fixing” or that they’re “broken”, which really does hurt. Combining that with my gender identity can make people believe that I am just “confused” or have some kind of “mental illness” as a way of dismissing my identity entirely, despite me just trying to live as myself.

Being queer is an uphill battle. It always has been, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. Maybe one day it’ll be as simple as being left handed, but for now, you can find me indoctrinating the children with the Jewish space laser.

[odaatlover]

hi! how long did you know you were trans? I think i am, it’s been on my mind for about 7 years now, and me pronouns feel right, (born female) but i also don’t know how to ask people to start changing what they refer to me as? i don’t know if you have any advice for me, or if any of this is too prying/personal but i could use some guidance if you could offer it. :)

Hey there! It’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment when I knew I was trans because it was a lot of different moments - both big and small - that led to my decision to transition. From an early age I wanted to be a boy, literally as long as I can remember. I would make birthday wishes to wake up the next morning as a boy. I would choose boy avatars and video game characters anytime I had the option because it was the only time I got to be one; in a pretend world. But at this age I didn’t realize this meant that I was trans. I thought everyone felt this way and did these things…which I now know is not the case 😂

When I was around 20 I started to question my gender identity. I knew I didn’t feel like a woman, but I didn’t realize that I was a man. I was still stuck in the mentality of what had been engrained in me my entire life - I’m a female, therefore I’m not a man. Also this was 2012 so there wasn’t that much trans representation out there. At least not like there is today.

At 27 years old I started binding. I still had long hair though, but I gradually cut it shorter and shorter over time (every couple months I’d cut it). At that time I started to look into testosterone to become more androgynous looking. I identified as non-binary because I didn’t feel like a woman, nor a man.

And then about 9 months later a month before turning 28, I started testosterone. My voice changed rather quickly. There was a noticeable difference within the first week. My face also started to change too. As all of these changes happened, I became more and more excited. The more people read me as a man, the more I felt seen. I didn’t want to be gendered as a woman or anything that wasn’t a man because it felt wrong and I hated it. This was when I realized I’m not non-binary, I’m a trans man. So about 2 months after starting testosterone I changed my pronouns and started going by a more masculine name - which I have changed legally since then! All of those moments growing up suddenly made sense. The whole reason I didn’t feel like a man before was because I was trying to relate manhood to the experiences of the men I knew - cisgender men. But obviously as someone who is AFAB, my experiences won’t be the same. It took me a long time to figure that out, but the more my body because more masculine and matched who I am on the inside, the more everything clicked. I don’t think I ever would have discovered that if I hadn’t started testosterone.

So that’s my story! As for advice on changing pronouns, just start telling people. That’s what I did. I also posted it on social media so people knew. I don’t have much advice on how to change your pronouns when you are around people who refuse to use them, as I’ve never come across that issue luckily. I’ve only ever worked at places that were accepting and encouraging/supportive of my transition, and all of my family members who weren’t supported I cut ties with…which was basically all of them lol. I realized I deserved to be happy, and chose myself over them. Plus, the thought of having only one life to live and spending it pleasing others at my own expense gave me a ton of anxiety, so cutting off those toxic relations also helped my anxiety tremendously. I haven’t had a single panic attack since!

At this point I’m rambling, but I hope this was at least somewhat the answer you were looking for! Best of luck to you, and remember to just do the things that make you happy, because you deserve that 😊

[kath-trashh]

okay i could only narrow it down to 9 questions 😭. so you're getting 2 different asks to break it up and if you don't want to answer any of them feel free to skip!!

What do you have in common with your MC? What's different?

What hobbies or skills do they have? How long have they been pursuing them? Why?

Gender identity/sexuality?

How well can they hold their own in a fight without magic?

How does their personality differ between strangers, acquaintances, friends, romantic partners, enemies, etc.?

hehe giggles

2. What do you have in common with your MC? What’s different?

Rin- It’s pretty funny b/c on the surface they’re basically a glorified self-insert down to appearance / preferred name and pronouns but I tried to give them a bunch of other stuff to zhuzh them up a little. They are also probably the most heavily Asian-coded out of all my characters. Now they are an explosively fiery idiot :’)

Avis- I don’t think I share anything in common with them <//3 I am insanely jealous of their hair though. It’s so fabulous.

Mareike- I really did want to be an architect when I was a bit younger, but that’s all in the past now. And maybe borne out of a desire to be a really tall giant lady

Jaxen- I made him to be a little shithead because I have an intense desire to cause problems on purpose. I giggle a little thinking about how much of an irreparable shithead he is.

More under the read more !!

13. What hobbies or skills do they have? How long have they been pursuing them? Why?

Rin- Rin likes horseback riding. They also have a penchant for gymnastics, but that’s post-revival, so they haven’t had a chance to explore it too much, but there’s something.

Avis- They sing. Since they’ve lost their memories, they always hum an empty melody that they don’t know where they learned. But it’s calming, even though they can only seem to hum one line.

Mareike- Mareike’s biggest hobby is cooking. She’s always had a passion for it, and she likes hosting parties for friends or acquaintances. That, and she’s also pretty good at mixing drinks, which is always a neat party trick to show to friends and aspiring alcoholics.

Jaxen- Carving! He’s had the talent since he was a little kid, but it helps keep his hands busy when he’s got some downtime. It humanizes him just a little to see a bloodied assassin finally act like a contemplative kid and carve away at some wood and produce something beautiful.

20. Gender identity / sexuality?

Rin- enby and bisexual

Avis- genderfluid and demisexual

Mareike- transfem and pansexual

Jaxen- cis and bisexual

21. How well can they hold their own in a fight without magic?

Rin- They’d have to rely on their speed and smaller stature to dodge hits, but I can’t imagine them winning any real fight against a skilled opponent (re: when Morga made them spar, Muriel did in fact wholeheartedly beat Rin. Rin then proceeded to cheat and fluster him so he’d be too distracted.)

Avis- Not well. Just not well at all. They’re thin and reedy enough that they could be blown over with a strong wind, never mind a fight.

Mareike- Could and would beat the shit out of you with her bare fists and her writing implements.

Jaxen- A big believer of ripping out someone’s throat with his teeth. That, and as a trained assassin, he holds his own pretty well. His magic only really serves to boost what was already there, like boosting his endurance, mid-fight healing, things like that.

27. How does their personality differ between strangers, acquaintances, friends, romantic partners, enemies, etc.?

Rin- Very friendly to everyone they meet, but also somewhat guarded initially. They aren’t exactly slow to trust, but have strict barriers and lines that they don’t cross with people they’re not familiar with. Around friends and acquaintances, they become more mischievous and playful. A lot of what makes a person reliable to them is being able to understand their patterns and where they stand— and once Rin is able to realize that, they open up more. Around romantic partners, Rin is a snuggler and big on small acts of service and touch. They seek understanding, so they never want to push their boundaries. Around enemies, well. Rin isn’t afraid to speak their mind if they really hate someone.

Avis- They can come off absentminded and distant to everyone, regardless of strangers, acquaintances, or friends. This trait stemmed from before they lost their memories, where their work would keep them essentially detached, but in this case, due to the fact that there’s so much of what made them up missing, they can’t seem to come back down to earth. Around a romantic partner, Avis might open up a bit more, reveal their worries and sort of become more amiable, but they still have periods where they would retreat back into their mind and essentially be unreachable. Around enemies, Avis’s distance can come across unsettling, but they also intend to come off unsettling in that case.

Mareike- Hospitable to a fault. She treats everyone pragmatically, and tries to get to know everyone. Awkward silences aren’t her thing, so she instead tries to can-open everyone in a way. She can make anyone feel like they’ve known her for years with a single conversation. Around friends, she’s happy and conversational, often willing to help out others with any minor inconvenience and offer feedback. She loves just talking to people and helping them— it’s how she sees herself as useful. With a romantic partner, she lets her walls down a little, and can sometimes ask for help on her end. She likes praise, but she also likes her control and as such, often goes out of her way to check up on her romantic partner. Around enemies, Mareike is harsh and doesn’t mince words when voicing her distaste. If anything, she invites confrontation.

Jaxen- Well. What’s there to say, really? Jaxen doesn’t care how he comes off to people. Around certain people that are a bit more aware of how he acts, he tries to come off a little more reliable. But really, he skates by on pure charisma around strangers and acquaintances, leaving before they can really become friends. As a romantic partner, he has a lot of trouble understanding other people’s perspectives— there’s something there about how he really can’t bring himself to truly let down his armor and guard. Around enemies… you’d better hope that Jaxen doesn’t feel particularly murder-happy. Because he personally doesn’t give a single fuck about whether you’re alive or dead as his enemy.

[tinylittlemexican]

I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in 3 months (she was on maternity leave) and we talked about my gender stuff which I haven’t really felt comfortable enough to talk to anyone about with and it’s been something I’ve been struggling with. In this journey to become my own person and express myself MY way has been challenging and filled with ups and downs but one of the biggest things is that I once had really felt like I was ready to go on T and make that change for myself! There’s a lot T can give me I feel like that I’ve always wanted, a deeper voice, more body hair, and more importantly, bottom growth! But I suddenly became very scared and hesitant to go on T. My identity as a lesbian and as a femme are something that I feel like are so deeply ingrained in me that I never want them to go away. I don’t want to stop being either but I’ve seen people talk about how T “changed” or made them realize they did like men and or discovered they wanted to be men and that’s amazing and wonderful! But I’m so scared of that to happen to me. I know it’s stupid and is probably so close minded and insulting but it’s something I genuinely fear. And it’s kind of stopping me from exploring my gender more. I’ve spent so long not knowing who I am and living my life by other people’s standards that when I finally was able to feel like home in my identity as a femme lesbian it was like a wash of relief and felt like coming home. I felt so secure and so happy but now I’m scared to lose my home. I don’t want to be a man and I know that going on T or being more masculine doesn’t make you a man obviously but I don’t know why I get so caught up in the idea that I’m some kind of exception. I guess probably because I don’t know a lot of Femmes who have gone on T I feel kinda isolated and feel like I’m in uncharted territory. When I talk about my gender stuff it’s like…I don’t feel wrong I just feel like something is missing, like I was born incomplete. To me going on T would be a way to bring about my true ideal of a feminine body, my body! To be my own created idea of femininity and womanhood crafted in my image. I know I’m the one who gets to decide who I am but there’s so much mistrust in myself. Im so afraid of being wrong or losing parts of myself I love and are so important to me. Im hoping to start working on it more with my therapist but it’s just been on my mind since our session yesterday.

[artistic-intrxvert]

!!TW: vent (you can keep scrolling, I just needed to put this somewhere where I will forget about it after I get it off my chest and it will make me feel better)

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be right now if I had gone against certain decisions, you know? I’m almost always certain about something once I think about it for a while but it’s always after I make said decision that I feel like I continue to make more mistakes. I’m indecisive and I cannot understand how my own mind thinks, yet others read me well. I want to be able to go back and fix my mistakes but we all know that’s impossible. Even if it was, it wouldn’t mean that everything would be totally fine now. For instance; a simple decision of coming out to my parents. I am happy I came out, but also at the same time I wish I never said a fucking word. Sometimes I wish I never even bothered talking to people about how I felt about my identity. I don’t even know how I want to present myself anymore because of how overwhelming gender dysphoria is becoming for me. There are people I wish I told them I loved them and some of which I wish I never said anything. There are times I wish I never went skiing in the first place in 2020, otherwise my dad wouldn’t have nearly died. I wish I could go back stop myself from ever being friends with certain people. I wish I could go back and prevent myself from being yelled at as a child. There are so many things I wish I could do…But even then, life is just going to end up being shitty as always for me so what’s even the point of wondering what I could’ve changed? I’m always quick to move on from things but the second I think I’ve moved on I break down realizing I shouldn’t have even thought about giving up certain hobbies, interests, etc. sometimes I just wish I had someone that was someone I could actually get along with and be able to see all the time. I want a sibling that’ll be there for me rather than tease the shit out of me when I slip up or make fun of me for something that’s out of my control. I want a mother who is accepting instead of one who has made me afraid of expression. I want a father who doesn’t pick favorites and loves his children all equally. I want a friend group who can’t judge me for liking certain hobbies or shows or movies. I want someone who can understand me and whom I can understand in return. But no matter how hard I try to connect with people to heal myself and others, I always end up screwing it up. I want to be a good friend, a good sibling, a good son, a good grandchild, a good nephew…But because nobody has ever been able to show me how to understand things instead of stressing me to figure it out on my own, I haven’t been able to process my own choices or thoughts or feelings. This is why I feel so upset whenever I need to make a choice for something as simple as what I want for dinner. I want to be a great artist but I can’t help but compare myself to others. I want to be a great significant other to someone but I can’t help but always feel like a burden to anyone I ever get close to. I want to be a good son but I can’t ever agree with some things my parents believe or choose to follow in life. I want to be able to pass high school and be able to get a sustainable job and career but how can I even do that when the public school system blames students for not understanding material that they don’t teach? How can anything be fair? Because that’s what it’s like to be a human teenager. You have to do things on your own or you’re not going to survive in the “adult world”, you have to have a passion for something that’s actually worth going to college for rather than what you want to go for, you have to be able to understand people despite not ever knowing yourself at all…

I wish I could take back all of my painful or horrible decisions but unfortunately I can’t do that. I want to be someone that isn’t as over emotional about stupid things such as forgetting something that I was asked to bring with me for some place to telling someone the wrong thing.

If you can relate to this at all, you’re not alone. I, too, am struggling heavily. I may not be able to take the pain away, but I can stay with you as we both go through the pain of living life.

[mysticqueerdragon]

how rewatching dragon ball is healing my inner child and redefining masculinity

I am thinking a lot about masculinity. We live in a world where the definition of what it means to be a man is in flux. A dizzying kaleidoscope of colors and shapes. Some of them resonates and reverberations of sexism and patriarchy, and others a liberating visage of what’s to come. Some of the questions on my mind are how I can be non-binary and a man at the same time? How can inner-child work reconnect me with the little boy inside? What can I learn from my inner-boy self? And, how can I be a father to the little boy inside of me?

can i be non-binary and male at the same time? “yes, and” decolonial gender

I was assigned male at birth, but my gendered journey has been fraught with confusion and delusion. As many of us will tell you, growing up different, we are marked as deviant long before we understood what “gay” or “lesbian” means. Many queer kids grow up experiencing a disconnection between our “self” and what the world expects us to be.

At the age of twelve, I came out to my newly found middle-school clique of weirdos made up almost entirely of girls that were also discovering their own queerness and sprouting leaves of feminist sensitivities. Goddexx graced me with other kids who were open and accepting. I began to identify with my femininity and to distance myself from patriarchal masculinity. I am blessed to experience my adolescence in this way and to be given feminist language, queer desires, and trans freedoms to resist the suffocating binds of binary patriarchal gender.

In college, I had a professor, a lovely and wise queer Ugandan. About five feet tall with a buzz cut and an inviting playful smile. I told my professor that I was non-binary and Dr. Tushabe gave me that decolonial look. The one that says “mmm, try harder.” They asked, “what does non-binary mean to you?” Dr. Tushabe is a master at asking the kinds of questions that sit with you for years.

For now, I think of identifying as non-binary as a political identity that resists and transforms. It is understanding gender as fluid. It is recognizing the myths of gender and living within the reality of gendered being. It is yes, and; It is no, but. Lately, it is mostly a process of healing. It is recognizing that I grew up with a phantom for a father. It is learning that the hate I grew for him, also gave root to the hate I grew for myself. It is knowing my feminine energy and my masculine energy and having honor and respect for them both. It is being a make-up wearing femme-butch daddy bear enby. It is knowing that the words that describe today’s identity might not fit tomorrow’s identity.

healing through the practice of forgiveness and acknowledging my father’s boy-ness.

Have you ever had to forgive someone that hurt you in ways you haven’t even fully processed? It’s difficult, messy and a lot of work. 

My dad left (the first time) when I was a sensitive and vulnerable little boy. I was only five years old, and I had just started school. He was my favorite person in the world. I had so much love for him.

I didn't realize it then, but my relationship with my dad would be completely different during my boyhood than during my teen years. There is so much hurt that would infect our relationship. I was raised to not use the word “hate” lightly. But when I was a teen, I told my mom that I hate my dad. And I meant it.

My dad died a little over a decade ago. He visited me in my dreams a while back, and I learned a lot about his own broken boyhood. I now understand that he wasn’t taught how to love. He wasn’t given loving and tender fathering.

A close friend of mine asked me to figure out what I loved about him because he makes up 50% of who I am – if I can’t find love for him, then I can’t find it for myself either.

He was creative in ways I will never get to fully understand. He always had music playing. He liked to dance. He liked to be outside with nature, and when I was a boy, he gave me space to explore. Although he was far from perfect, he tried to provide for me in ways that his father did not provide for him.

In my dream he gave me two pairs of tennis shoes and told me he was sorry. Later, before I told my mom about my dream, she told me a story that created space for forgiveness. My dad told her that when he was a little boy, he had worn out his shoes. When he told his dad he needed a new pair, his dad refused to buy him any. He went around barefoot for months.

He didn’t give me everything I needed. I didn’t receive the love and support I needed from him. He didn’t teach me the things that fathers should teach their sons. But he gave me shoes. I am learning to forgive him. And myself.

watching dragon ball, sitting with alonsito, and fathering my boy-self.

How can I give my inner child the father that he always needed? How can I spend time with myself and my inner child that is meaningful and quality father-son time? Perhaps this sounds too “out there” for some, but refathering myself is a spiritual and political practice I am exploring to honor my masculine energy outside of the oppressive colonial gender system

When I was in fourth grade, I started watching Dragon Ball Z and Dragon Ball when it was on Tunami, and it was a way for me to connect to other boys. People whom I have long since grown apart from. But this show was a staple in my boyhood. Therefore, I have been watching Dragon Ball as a practice of reconnecting with my boy self.

The kind of father that I want to be is the kind that sits with their child and watches their favorite shows, but also the kind of father than teaches their son to question truth and construct their own meaning. The kind of father I want to be is one who teaches their son to navigate their gender in ways that honor their divine energy while acknowledging harmful and sexist myths.

the advice my father self gives to my boy self

Being a good person is important. You should stand up for others like Goku. You should be loyal and fight for what’s right. But heroes don’t always have to fight. Sometimes heroes are soft and kind. Sometimes heroes need others to help them figure out a problem. Sometimes being a hero is listening, or knowing when you need a hug, or knowing its okay to cry when you feel sad.

Goku is super strong, but no boy should grow up without parents. No one should be left alone in the world. And when something horrible happens, it’s okay to talk about it. Being open and honest about your emotions is a different kind of strength, and it’s just as important as having a strong body.

Master Roshi is a pervert. Don’t be like master Roshi. If you encounter an adult like master Roshi, someone who makes young girls or boys feel uncomfortable or tries to touch them in inappropriate ways, you should tell an adult. That is sexual harassment and assault. It’s not okay and it’s not funny.

Goku’s friends were wrong to not tell him about the monster he turns into during the full moon. When we make mistakes, we should know about them. Everyone makes mistakes, but a real hero will acknowledge their mistakes and try to make it better. Real friends don’t let their friends be monsters. Real friends don’t run away from their friends’ feelings.

Heroes aren’t always right. Heroes aren’t always strong. And heroes gotta be regular people sometimes too.

You’re not Goku. You get to choose who you are. Who will you be?

feeling loved and an invitation to self-parenting

This practice helped me experience what it means to be present for myself. It has taught me about what kind of father I might someday want to be and what I think boys need to know. I feel loved, and I am excited to think about ways to deepen this practice of fathering my inner Alonsito.

If you could be the parent you needed as a kid, what would you teach your kid-self? How would you show up? I invite you to come up with your own practice. You might be surprised at what you learn.

[jaggedteeth]

as the u.s. tour comes to a close, i want to take a moment to talk about a phenomenon i’ve seen taking place within mcr internet fan spaces these last few months, my thoughts on it, and how i think it relates back to digital media literacy.

(before we start, i want to make it clear that i’m just some guy and i am definitely not the most qualified person to talk about this, but i think some of the things in this post really, really need to be said. my hope is not necessarily to change your mind or to “get you on my side,” but to encourage you to think critically and independently, even during your daily scroll on social media.)

————

so, what is this ominous phenomenon i’m talking about? i’m referring to some of the comments i’ve seen mcr fans make regarding gerard’s gender—specifically the public, speculative, and seemingly unironic ones that attempt to put a label or a semblance of a label on his gender nonconformity.

(i think now’s a good time to mention you should read this entire post before engaging with or commenting on it. stay with me. we’re in this together.)

here is a post that i think does a good job of explaining this a little more in-depth for anyone who’s out of the loop.

regardless of my personal opinions on all of this, i understand why it’s happening. much of mcr’s fanbase is trans and/or non-binary, and seeking out representation from familiar, comforting figures is not out of the ordinary. i don’t think anyone involved means harm, and this isn’t a callout post. i’m just adding to a discussion i think has been largely one-sided up until recently.

————

what is the point of me making this post? to put it bluntly, i disagree with how much of the discussion around gerard’s gender identity and expression is being conducted.

(again, please stay with me.)

what is it, specifically, that i disagree with? is it the celebration of gerard’s gender nonconformity? is it the possibility they might not identify, partially or wholly, with their gender assigned at birth? is it the joy their gender expression has inspired in many mcr fans?

no. it’s none of those things; not even close. i can’t even put into words how i, a gender nonconforming trans man, felt when gerard wore his cheerleader dress in nashville. it was a special moment and i was so happy to see him happy.

but something that bothers me about the “gender wars” narrative is the idea that anyone who’s not all-in is, if not an outright transphobe, someone with deep-rooted biases they need to work through. i haven’t seen this from everyone, but it’s floated around here and there.

nuance in conversations like this is incredibly important. the human experience is rarely black and white. and i believe the notion that it must be, especially when it comes to topics such as queer identity, largely stems from closed-mindedness and fear, conscious or unconscious.

i have certainly witnessed people online assert that gerard must be cis, and there’s no way he can’t be cis, implying if he ever identified as anything other than cis that would be bad and gross and weird. i strongly disagree with that viewpoint because it’s transphobic and gerard is a real person who none of us know personally who can do whatever the fuck he wants. in the same way, i disagree with the viewpoint that gerard must be trans, and there’s no way he can’t be trans, implying anyone who disagrees is a transphobe who refuses to pay attention. because gerard is a real person who none of us know personally who can do whatever the fuck he wants.

i’m aware gerard has also made comments in the past about his journey with gender identity, the connection he feels to women and femininity, and even his experimentation with drag while he was in college. he’s said he should be referred to with either he/him or they/them pronouns, he’s an earnest supporter of the trans community, and he’s historically rejected the sexist shithead rock-dude stereotype.

i’m not here to downplay any of those things, nor am i trying to invalidate anyone who has taken comfort in or identified with those things. just a couple of points i would like you to think about, though:

some cis people also question their gender identity and/or use multiple sets of pronouns for a multitude of reasons (i’m not saying gerard has to be cis, i’m just giving you an extra viewpoint to chew on);

i’ve personally met plenty of men or male-aligned people who strongly identify with women and femininity. i strongly identify with women and femininity and i’m still 100% a trans man and will throw anyone who tries to tell me otherwise directly into the sun (again, i’m not saying gerard must be a man or male-aligned);

gender nonconformity and transness are complex, nuanced topics. labels can be useful, but they are not a be-all-end-all;

and i’m going to be blunt here—assuming and/or declaring someone is transfem when they haven’t publicly referred to themselves as such, just because they are comfortable discussing their own femininity and sometimes have a feminine presentation and feminine mannerisms, is basically an upgraded form of gender essentialism and completely disregards the existence and experiences of amab cis-passing queer people and gender nonconforming people. i understand it’s a tough pill to swallow, but intent doesn’t always equal impact, and just because someone may not see it that way doesn’t mean that’s not what they’re doing.

even if gerard is transfem, he’s still a real person who has a right to privacy and autonomy, and he never has to publicly label himself if he doesn’t want to. no one is entitled to seek out the details of his identity, but least of all us, a bunch of strangers on the internet who will probably never have a full conversation with him.

not one of us is an “authority” or “expert” on gerard way or my chemical romance. we can learn about the band’s history and public personas or laugh at the funny, quirky parts of their lore or cry when we think about how far they’ve come in the public eye, but what gives us the right to dig into every tiny crevice of gerard’s work and interactions and public existence searching for “clues” as to whether or not he’s trans? what gives us the right to label his gender identity for him—a process that is incredibly personal? i know “parasocial” is basically just another hollow internet buzzword at this point, but let’s not forget the very real consequences that parasocial relationships can certainly have.

do i think it would be fucking awesome if gerard came out as trans tomorrow? absolutely. do i also think it’s fucking awesome that they’re an older gnc person? that so many queer people have discovered and accepted themselves in part because of them? that they now exude joy onstage and bravely dress and act the way they do? one million times yes. and we can celebrate those real, concrete, factual things without tinhatting, overstepping boundaries, or jumping to conclusions. if they were to come out as trans tomorrow, that wouldn’t invalidate any of my arguments or make the behavior i’m critiquing acceptable, because the point isn’t about whether or not gerard is trans, the point is about how some of mcr’s fanbase is treating them.

gerard has uplifted and respected us time and time again without even knowing us as individuals. so i want you to take a moment to sincerely reflect and ask yourself this question: where is our respect for him?

————

alright. i’m glad you’re still here. let’s talk about what can actually be done about this.

i think a lot of this problem boils down to a lack of critical thinking. yes, that’s thrown around a lot as a clapback on this website, but i don’t mean it as an insult. we’re all guilty of not thinking critically, myself included. especially in the age of the internet, it’s impossible to be perfect all the time, when we’re bombarded with information from every angle.

this is why learning about and consistently practicing media literacy is so important. it’s something i’m passionate about because i’ve seen firsthand, time and time again, how it can make or break a person and their worldview, to the point that i spent hours writing about it for my upper-level journalism courses (before i dropped out lol) and worked for two semesters as an editor for a college newspaper.

if these conversations about gerard were happening in private group chats between friends who already know one another, my opinions on the topic itself would still stand, but it wouldn’t be any of my business and i obviously wouldn’t think to write an entire post about it. but everything changes when these discussions are had on a public platform with little regard for nuance.

“misinformation,” or the unintentional spread of false information—not to be confused with disinformation, where the person spreading it knows what they’re saying isn’t true—might not be a totally accurate descriptor for some of what’s going on here, honestly. none of us can prove what gerard is thinking or feeling. but based on what we do know, what he’s publicly and concretely shared with us, i think it’s as close as we can get. a lot of the posts i’ve seen don’t read to me as “hehe funny celebrity headcanon that’s obviously just for fun.” or even “i relate to this person’s art and/or publicized experiences, but i understand i don’t know them and at least some of that is just projection.” rather, they seem to make invasive leaps and use inaccurate vocabulary while simultaneously taking themselves very, very seriously, and that concerns me more than if a random tumblr user was just trolling to start fandom drama or something.

to put things into perspective, this is why every single one of my journalism professors drilled it into my head that you have to get your news from multiple sources. those sources must have differing perspectives and you need to look at every single one with a critical eye, no matter how trustworthy they may seem (listen, i get it’s way more complicated than that and i could go off on a whole other tangent about the glaring problems with mainstream news media in the united states and not in a cringefail right-wing way, but this is an mcr blog, so let’s just focus on the basic principle here).

obviously, i don’t think anyone should engage with transphobes unless it’s for the sake of making stronger counter-arguments, because their beliefs are provably harmful and false. but someone making good-faith criticisms of speculating about a stranger who has not publicly come out as trans and/or non-binary is markedly different. i’m not the only person who’s written something like this, and i encourage everyone to seek out similar posts and think about the points they’re making, even if you don’t agree with every single one of them.

this speculative commentary on gerard’s identity has spread like wildfire and created a polarizing echo chamber, from what i’ve seen. i understand why. but it’s still deeply worrying to me. seeing as this is primarily happening on tumblr, i’m concerned less because i think gerard will ever see or care about these posts (that’s obviously still important, though), and more because of what this says about how people in mcr fanspaces view celebrities they feel strongly about and engage with information they see online at large.

please do research on digital media literacy, and please use reputable sources with authority on journalism and communications to do so. don’t take what you see on social media at face value. don’t trust any one social media user to feed you commentary or shape your viewpoints, and that includes me. read with a critical eye. think about the possible implications and intentions behind the words other people use, big or small, and why those might be there. be aware of your own biases and blindspots. remember that you’ll never be perfect, not even close. and while you’re at it, learn more about the experiences of gnc people, and the experiences of queer people of all different ages, backgrounds, cultures, races, identities, perspectives, lived experiences, etcetera. if you can, engage in diverse irl lgbtq+ spaces. they put things into perspective in a way the internet never will.

but i still use tumblr in 2022, so what do i know?

————

if there’s anything you think i overlooked or misconstrued in this post, tell me! i want this to be a living, breathing conversation, not a monologue. these are important issues and they deserve our time and attention. thank you so much for reading.

[e-n-t-r-o-p-i-c-f-r-o-g]

ALRIGHT FRIENDS!

I feel the need, at this point specifically, to give credit where credit is due. I understand this is a fanfic so I kinda have free reign as far as sourcing ideas goes but hey, if you wanna learn more about robots, psychoanalysis, and socialist cyberfeminism then HERE YA GO!

Okay, first off are two essays wherein the synthesis of their ideas formed the whole premise of this AU; however, up until like a week ago I had not even opened the files since university (3.5 years ago) which means I made MANY ASSUMPTIONS based off of skewed memory. Do not trust anything I’m about to say as fact, just trust in the vibes. Anywayyyy:

“Homeostasis and Soft Robotics in the Design of Feeling Machines” by Kingson Man and Antonio Damasio (basically the whole idea of giving a robot intelligence by finding ways to make it feel vulnerable through the advancement of soft robotics [like, more fleshy robot parts]—having a drive to survive and reach a state of homeostasis).

“Gendered Bodies and New Technologies: Rethinking Embodiment in a Cyber-Era” by Amanda du Preez (this is a LONG ESSAY and I have not read the whole thing, plus its hard to describe succinctly, but some ideas I had taken went something like: “The path toward an embodied techno-existence also ironically embodies the path toward self annihilation.” Replace “techno” with “godly” and then boom, you have XL’s plights ahahah. I vaguely remember that the essay also talks about a privileged man’s dream of transcendence through their own mechanical inventions and synthesis with them in this sorta 1980s feminist “womb envy” idea, while individuals who are “othered” in our current society cannot experience that transcendence through becoming a machine because they would still be prejudiced against for the bodies they occupy, or would sacrifice something integral to their identities in the process, thus destroying themselves instead of becoming the idea of an impenetrable, unearthly techno-god ahahah. To note tho: I do believe this essay is not the besttt in talking about gender beyond the gender binary. I also haven’t completed it yet, so keep that in mind, but idk I read some things that felt a little out of touch in that regard).

Now for some stuff for the last few chapters specifically:

There’s D. Haraway��s “Cyborg Manifesto” where the last line (i think?) goes:

“I’d rather be a Cyborg than a Goddess.”

I fuck with that heavy, and it also fits with the ideas above while also taking a much more empowered angle, so I put it in (and changed it to “god”).

I then looked into Jacques Lacan, specifically the Mirror Stage of child development, which is the idea that when infants learn to recognize themselves in the mirror, it creates “apperception.” Basically to recognize the image of yourself is to paradoxically turn yourself into an object at the same time. The viewing of yourself, outside of yourself. Identification and depersonalization in one fell swoop baebyyy. I thought it’d fit my idea of two XL bodies in Chap 24: The Altar.

Also, Jacques Lacan had similar ideas in regard to certain manifestations of love, and said this quote:

“I love you, but, because inexplicably I love in you something more than you—the objet petit a—I mutilate you.”

And you bet that the moment I read that I was like, I’m gonna make that slimy motherfucker BWX say that. Abso-fuckin-LUTELY!!

There’s also some developing Jungian things going on, but not super worthy of diving into. If you’ve played any of the Persona games (which are all structured based off of Carl Jung’s ideas) then you’re already up to speed.

Oh, and lastly, some Foucault references with panopticon prisons (the few watching the many) and also expanded upon later by other analyst's ideas of synopticon surveillance (the many watching the few).

OKAY I’M DONE MY RAMBLES (for now)

While I haven’t plotted much out for this and have kinda been winging it, plot wise, it really helps me to deep dive into other people’s ideas (which is maybe why im having much more fun writing fanfic than original content). My wheelhouse has always been synthesis essays, so if I treat my own narrative stories like a synthesis essay, I feel more confident in myself and what I’m trying to convey.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE FOR NOW!!!

Chapter 24 - The Altar

I held the power of a dying sun.

I climb the altar and I claim my place as God!

Ahah...ahahahhha...AHAHAHAHH!

I think I've created a whole new genre of whump. The pain of not feeling the pain is more painful than the pain itself I mean what?

If you wanna read a sci fi rendition of the altar scene...in a world where XL is mortal...here ya go I guess. Be warned: it's not pretty (though neither is the original canon)

[cindymoonsgfreal]

The Devil and A Lawyer

pairing: Matt Murdock x nb!reader x Jennifer Walters

genre: one-shot, fluff, slight smut at the end

warnings: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! smut, slightly insecure reader, no gender pronounce used for the reader, no gendered body description for the reader, slightly sub!matt, reader likes d and v

word count: 1652

Matt Murdock is a flirty bastard.

When Jennifer called you in the evening, annoyed, rumbling on and on about the blind jerk winning over her case and completely losing all her chances of getting the perfect dress for the gala, you knew exactly who she was talking about.

Matt Murdock was in LA.

You haven’t even noticed how you let the name slip from your lips. Still, the next thing you knew, you were sitting in your favorite bar, listening to Jen expressing her extreme opinions about the lawyer, as the second glass of rum was getting empty by minutes in your hand. It was a long day for you, as you were still recovering from the Titania attack on the wedding when she accidentally threw the chair your way instead of She-Hulk’s. Sitting was hurting, yet you couldn’t bring yourself to complain about it. Not when Jen accidentally brushed her knee against yours, and her hands would fall on your thighs as she leaned closer to whisper some dirty curses about her new “enemy.” It was probably best to remember the quotation; as you both knew, it wasn’t jealousy or anger; it was tension. The good old sexual tension.

That thought gave you an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach as you felt yourself get hot from the understanding that your crush and your ex were probably thirsty for each other because, in the words of the wise avocado: “if there's a stunning woman with questionable character in the room, Matt Murdock's gonna find her.”

“I cannot believe you two dated,” Jen muttered again, taking a sip from her glass. You frowned at that, moving closer to let the woman see the raised eyebrows about the last phrase. Walters looked up, finally noticing your face. Her eyes widened in shock as she registered the meaning of her words. “Oh, that sounded bad. Look, I didn’t mean it like that. I strongly believe any guy or woman will date you. Hell, even I would date you.” You felt your heart skip a beat. You watched as Jen abruptly stopped her rambling. Her cheeks heated bright red as she closed and opened her mouth like a fish, searching for any words. But before she could say anything else, two glasses were placed in front of her.

“What is this?” Jennifer smiled cluelessly, her eyes darting up and down from the glass to eh bartenders.

“From that guy over there.”

Well shit.

Matt was turned their way when your eyes fell on his figure. He didn’t change, even a day since your last meeting, and understandably so. The blip brought everyone back without aging them their five missing years. He was smiling, almost shyly, even though you could recognize the play he was making. Matt Murdock can be an actor with the way he played the shy, charismatic lawyer with definitely no secret identities that resemble the devil.

“Mind if I join you two?” he asked, and you bit your lip, wondering if his f=gonna to play his “I’m blind, help me to my seat” card. Jen did not notice your behavior change as she murmured, “sure.” Matt smiled warmly as he stood up from his chair and carefully made his way to you. He sat on your left, his hand brushing against your shoulder for a second as he slightly pulled up on his chair to straighten up. You breathed in longly, feeling the old tingling emerge in you. “I wanted to extend a peace offering.”

Jen scrunched her nose in fake disgust, making a small smile appear on her lips. “Ugh! I hate it when people take the high road.” the giggle left your lips as Murdock barked out a real laugh. You glanced at him briefly, feeling sad as you remembered how long it had been since you last heard him be that…free. “So, what’s your story, Matt Murdock?”

That’s when the flirting began. Jennifer uses her natural charm, and Matt his blind jokes. The coil of jealousy grew inside, making you look down at the empty third glass of alcohol, deciding to leave the pair. So, you turned to Jen, your hand falling on her palm and giving it a quiz. Jennifer moved her gaze from the man to you, the softness melting you like ice cream.  “I’ll leave you two alone.” you smiled politely, moving to stand up as a hand caught your wrist, and the other fell to your thigh that was still hanging on the bar chair.

“Stay.” both of them invited in a hushed voice, mesmerizing you to a fully empty-headed state. You looked almost dumbfoldly as you sat back down, both of their hands falling to touch at least some part of you. Jen rested her hand on the closeted thigh, her fingers playing with the thick materials of the jeans, as Matt squeezed your palm, feeling the warmth radiating from you. And then and there, between two lawyers, you understood one thing - you were fucked.

It was late when you heard noises coming from the living room of Jennifer’s apartment, making you jump up from the bed and quickly take the hand knife you were gifted ages ago. Jen has left to help her idiot client in the night, and now it has been an hour since she was on her first-ever superhero outing. You were worried about her, but knowing she is probably bulletproof calmed you slowly but steadily. However, wishing she was here was strong, as you knew you were not enhanced in any way. So, if it isn’t Jen but someone else, you and your knife would probably be equally useless. Bracing up the beats of bravery, you nudged the door open.

Jennifer was making out with Matt in his daredevil suit (well, at least you guessed that the yellow-red combination on him was his new suit and not some sick roleplay). Her hands were gently cupping his face as Matt already threw the mask away on the sofa. His hands were roaming down her body, making her lean her chest to his as the soft groan left her lips.

You didn’t notice you dropped your knife until the collision echoed through the room, making the pair part away, their eyes instantly falling on you. You breathed in nervously, the awkward smile falling on your lips. “I’m so sorry. I will leave you two. See you in the morning, Jen. It was nice seeing you again, Matt. ” you tried running towards the exit, but two hands gently caught your waist, pulling in between the two heroes. Your heart hammered in your chest as you looked up from the ground to see Jen’s eyes looking at you seductively. “Stay?” she murmured, slowly leaning in till your noses touched each. You struggled to breathe as your hair moved away from your shoulder, and a line of small kisses trailed down your neck. Matt breathed out. “Please?”

“Yes.”

This was enough for Jennifer to grin, her lips falling on yours in a slow kiss. Your hands flew to her ass, bringing her even closer, feeling the heat radiating from her as you dipped your tongue past her lips, the feeling making Jen groan out loudly. Matt grinned against your neck, now bitting at it with a small force, marking his way down to your shoulders. He moved even closer, making your ass feel everything you and Jennifer made to him. Jennifer dropped her hands to the ends of your shirt, tugging them to the side, making the buttons pop open, exposing your chest to her. She pulled away, leaning down to bite on the flesh. Matt took that as an opportunity to wrap his hand around your neck, moving to lap at your mouth with his tongue.

You moaned to the kiss, bringing your hands up to his neck, trying to find the zipper. Matt pulled away and chuckled at the attempt, making Jennifer look up from her sport between your boobs. Now you grew tired of that. “If you still want your suit to be intact - you will open the fucking zipper yourself,” you grumbled, pulling away from him to kiss the woman more eagerly.  Matt almost broke the suit himself; when he heard the wet sound and loud moan Jennifer let out as you took off her case and dipped your hand in her pants.

You moved to the bedroom, leaving the trail of clothes after you, as the three of you sat on the bed, now squeezing Walters between the two bodies. She moaned in pleasure, an overwhelming feeling washing over her, as she felt two pairs of hands stretching her and the tongue exploring her chest and neck. Matt was almost feral as he bit and licked, his senses drowning him, as the mix of arousal and sensual gasps and moans overflood his system. Everything felt too much, but he wouldn’t have wished for any less.

You watched the man unintentionally grunt his hips at the soft material of the bed, making you smirk at the sight of desperation. Snapping your hands down to still his movement, you felt Jennifer shredder with a groan as your hand left her. Matt whined at the loss of friction. “I didn’t say you can move, did I, red?” the pet name made him moan even louder. You smirked, moving your hand to cup his dick through the underwear. “Will you be a good boy?”

“Yes, yes, yes, please.” he desperately whined, making Jennifer look back and forth between you two as she got wetter even more.

“Lay down. Jennifer will ride you, and you won’t cum until I say so. If you do good, you’ll get the reward. If not, it’s going to be a very long night for you, my love.” you whispered, knowing he could you very well.

The night was starting, and you both knew it will be long.

[nothorses]

Interview With An Ex-Radfem

exradfem is an anonymous Tumblr user who identifies as transmasculine, and previously spent time in radical feminist communities. They have offered their insight into those communities using their own experiences and memories as a firsthand resource.

Background

I was raised in an incredibly fundamentalist religion, and so was predisposed to falling for cult rhetoric. Naturally, I was kicked out for being a lesbian. I was taken in by the queer community, particularly the trans community, and I got back on my feet- somehow. I had a large group of queer friends, and loved it. I fully went in on being the Best Trans Ally Possible, and constantly tried to be a part of activism and discourse.

Unfortunately, I was undersocialized, undereducated, and overenthusiastic. I didn't fully understand queer or gender theory. In my world, when my parents told me my sexuality was a choice and I wasn't born that way, they were absolutely being homophobic. I understood that no one should care if it's a choice or not, but it was still incredibly, vitally important to me that I was born that way.

On top of that, I already had an intense distrust of men bred by a lot of trauma. That distrust bred a lot of gender essentialism that I couldn't pull out of the gender binary. I felt like it was fundamentally true that men were the problem, and that women were inherently more trustworthy. And I really didn't know where nonbinary people fit in.

Then I got sucked down the ace exclusionist pipeline; the way the arguments were framed made sense to my really surface-level, liberal view of politics. This had me primed to exclude people –– to feel like only those that had been oppressed exactly like me were my community.

Then I realized I was attracted to my nonbinary friend. I immediately felt super guilty that I was seeing them as a woman. I started doing some googling (helped along by ace exclusionists on Tumblr) and found the lesfem community, which is basically radfem “lite”: lesbians who are "only same sex attracted". This made sense to me, and it made me feel so much less guilty for being attracted to my friend; it was packaged as "this is just our inherent, biological desire that is completely uncontrollable". It didn't challenge my status quo, it made me feel less guilty about being a lesbian, and it allowed me to have a "biological" reason for rejecting men.

I don't know how much dysphoria was playing into this, and it's something I will probably never know; all of this is just piecing together jumbled memories and trying to connect dots. I know at the time I couldn't connect to this trans narrative of "feeling like a woman". I couldn't understand what trans women were feeling. This briefly made me question whether I was nonbinary, but radfem ideas had already started seeping into my head and I'm sure I was using them to repress that dysphoria. That's all I can remember.

The lesfem community seeded gender critical ideas and larger radfem princples, including gender socialization, gender as completely meaningless, oppression as based on sex, and lesbian separatism. It made so much innate sense to me, and I didn't realize that was because I was conditioned by the far right from the moment of my birth. Of course women were just a biological class obligated to raise children: that is how I always saw myself, and I always wanted to escape it.

I tried to stay in the realms of TIRF (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist) and "gender critical" spaces, because I couldn't take the vitriol on so many TERF blogs. It took so long for me to get to the point where I began seeing open and unveiled transphobia, and I had already read so much and bought into so much of it that I thought that I could just ignore those parts.

In that sense, it was absolutely a pipeline for me. I thought I could find a "middle ground", where I could "center women" without being transphobic.

Slowly, I realized that the transphobia was just more and more disgustingly pervasive. Some of the trans men and butch women I looked up to left the groups, and it was mostly just a bunch of nasty people left. So I left.

After two years offline, I started to recognize I was never going to be a healthy person without dealing with my dysphoria, and I made my way back onto Tumblr over the pandemic. I have realized I'm trans, and so much of this makes so much more sense now. I now see how I was basically using gender essentialism to repress my identity and keep myself in the closet, how it was genuinely weaponized by TERFs to keep me there, and how the ace exclusionist movement primed me into accepting lesbian separatism- and, finally, radical feminism.

The Interview

You mentioned the lesfem community, gender criticals, and TIRFs, which I haven't heard about before- would you mind elaborating on what those are, and what kinds of beliefs they hold?

I think the lesfem community is recruitment for lesbians into the TERF community. Everything is very sanitized and "reasonable", and there's an effort not to say anything bad about trans women. The main focus was that lesbian = homosexual female, and you can't be attracted to gender, because you can't know someone's gender before knowing them; only their sex.

It seemed logical at the time, thinking about sex as something impermeable and gender as internal identity. The most talk about trans women I saw initially was just in reference to the cotton ceiling, how sexual orientation is a permanent and unchangeable reality. Otherwise, the focus was homophobia. This appealed to me, as I was really clinging to the "born this way" narrative.

This ended up being a gateway to two split camps - TIRFs and gender crits.

I definitely liked to read TIRF stuff, mostly because I didn't like the idea of radical feminism having to be transphobic. But TIRFs think that misogyny is all down to hatred of femininity, and they use that as a basis to be able to say trans women are "just as" oppressed.

Gender criticals really fought out against this, and pushed the idea that gender is fake, and misogyny is just sex-based oppression based on reproductive issues. They believe that the source of misogyny is the "male need to control the source of reproduction"- which is what finally made me think I had found the "source" of my confusion. That's why I ended up in gender critical circles instead of TIRF circles.

I'm glad, honestly, because the mask-off transphobia is what made me finally see the light. I wouldn't have seen that in TIRF communities.

I believed this in-between idea, that misogyny was "sex-based oppression" and that transphobia was also real and horrible, but only based on transition, and therefore a completely different thing. I felt that this was the "nuanced" position to take.

The lesfem community also used the fact that a lot of lesbians have partners who transition, still stay with their lesbian partners, and see themselves as lesbian- and that a lot of trans men still see themselves as lesbians. That idea is very taboo and talked down in liberal queer spaces, and I had some vague feelings about it that made me angry, too. I really appreciated the frank talk of what I felt were my own taboo experiences.

I think gender critical ideology also really exploited my own dysphoria. There was a lot of talk about how "almost all butches have dysphoria and just don't talk about it", and that made me feel so much less alone and was, genuinely, a big relief to me that I "didn't have to be trans".

Lesfeminism is essentially lesbian separatism dressed up as sex education. Lesfems believe that genitals exist in two separate categories, and that not being attracted to penises is what defines lesbians. This is used to tell cis lesbians, "dont feel bad as a lesbian if you're attracted to trans men", and that they shouldn’t feel "guilty" for not being attracted to trans women. They believe that lesbianism is not defined as being attracted to women, it is defined as not being attracted to men; which is a root idea in lesbian separatism as well.

Lesfems also believe that attraction to anything other than explicit genitals is a fetish: if you're attracted to flat chests, facial hair, low voices, etc., but don't care if that person has a penis or not, you're bisexual with a fetish for masculine attributes. Essentially, they believe the “-sexual” suffix refers to the “sex” that you are assigned at birth, rather than your attraction: “homosexual” refers to two people of the same sex, etc. This was part of their pushback to the ace community, too.

I think they exploited the issues of trans men and actively ignored trans women intentionally, as a way of avoiding the “TERF” label. Pronouns were respected, and they espoused a constant stream of "trans women are women, trans men are men (but biology still exists and dictates sexual orientation)" to maintain face.

They would only be openly transmisogynistic in more private, radfem-only spaces.

For a while, I didn’t think that TERFs were real. I had read and agreed with the ideology of these "reasonable" people who others labeled as TERFs, so I felt like maybe it really was a strawman that didn't exist. I think that really helped suck me in.

It sounds from what you said like radical feminism works as a kind of funnel system, with "lesfem" being one gateway leading in, and "TIRF" and "gender crit" being branches that lesfem specifically funnels into- with TERFs at the end of the funnel. Does that sound accurate?

I think that's a great description actually!

When I was growing up, I had to go to meetings to learn how to "best spread the word of god". It was brainwashing 101: start off by building a relationship, find a common ground. Do not tell them what you really believe. Use confusing language and cute innuendos to "draw them in". Prey on their emotions by having long exhausting sermons, using music and peer pressure to manipulate them into making a commitment to the church, then BAM- hit them with the weird shit.

Obviously I am paraphrasing, but this was framed as a necessary evil to not "freak out" the outsiders.

I started to see that same talk in gender critical circles: I remember seeing something to the effect of, "lesfem and gender crit spaces exist to cleanse you of the gender ideology so you can later understand the 'real' danger of it", which really freaked me out; I realized I was in a cult again.

I definitely think it's intentional. I think they got these ideas from evangelical Christianity, and they actively use it to spread it online and target young lesbians and transmascs. And I think gender critical butch spaces are there to draw in young transmascs who hate everything about femininity and womanhood, and lesfem spaces are there to spread the idea that trans women exist as a threat to lesbianism.

Do you know if they view TIRFs a similar way- as essentially prepping people for TERF indoctrination?

Yes and no.

I've seen lots of in-fighting about TIRFs; most TERFs see them as a detriment, worse than the "TRAs" themselves. I've also definitely seen it posed as "baby's first radfeminism". A lot of TIRFs are trans women, at least from what I've seen on Tumblr, and therefore are not accepted or liked by radfems. To be completely honest, I don't think they're liked by anyone. They just hate men.

TIRFs are almost another breed altogether; I don't know if they have ties to lesfems at all, but I do think they might've spearheaded the online ace exclusionist discourse. I think a lot of them also swallowed radfem ideology without knowing what it was, and parrot it without thinking too hard about how it contradicts with other ideas they have.

The difference is TIRFs exist. They're real people with a bizarre, contradictory ideology. The lesfem community, on the other hand, is a completely manufactured "community" of crypto-terfs designed specifically to indoctrinate people into TERF ideology.

Part of my interest in TIRFs here is that they seem to have a heavy hand in the way transmascs are treated by the trans community, and if you're right that they were a big part of ace exclusionism too they've had a huge impact on queer discourse as a whole for some time. It seems likely that Baeddels came out of that movement too.

Yes, there’s a lot of overlap. The more digging I did, the more I found that it's a smaller circle running the show than it seems. TIRFs really do a lot of legwork in peddling the ideology to outer queer community, who tend to see it as generic feminism.

TERFs joke a lot about how non-radfems will repost or reblog from TERFs, adding "op is a TERF”. They're very gleeful when people accept their ideology with the mask on. They think it means these people are close to fully learning the "truth", and they see it as further evidence they have the truth the world is hiding. I think it's important to speak out against radical feminism in general, because they’re right; their ideology does seep out into the queer community.

Do you think there's any "good" radical feminism?

No. It sees women as the ultimate victim, rather than seeing gender as a tool to oppress different people differently. Radical feminism will always see men as the problem, and it is always going to do harm to men of color, gay men, trans men, disabled men, etc.

Women aren't a coherent class, and radfems are very panicked about that fact; they think it's going to be the end of us all. But what's wrong with that? That's like freaking out that white isn't a coherent group. It reveals more about you.

It's kind of the root of all exclusionism, the more I think about it, isn't it? Just freaking out that some group isn't going to be exclusive anymore.

Radical feminists believe that women are inherently better than men.

For TIRFs, it's gender essentialism. For TERFs, its bio essentialism. Both systems are fundamentally broken, and will always hurt the groups most at risk. Centering women and misogyny above all else erases the root causes of bigotry and oppression, and it erases the intersections of race and class. The idea that women are always fundamentally less threatening is very white and privileged.

It also ignores how cis women benefit from gender norms just as cis men do, and how cis men suffer from gender roles as well. It’s a system of control where gender non-conformity is a punishable offense.