#no dont question me on my choice of sinners

[plsleafmelon]

HARDEST FUCKING FIGHTS OF MY LIFE WHAG THE HELL

[drawlody]

It's time I contribute to the Adam nation with my interpetation of Sinner!Adam >:DDD

Going over some design choices here yes yes:

1 horn cause i saw some fics on ao3 where he would, in mad denial, ripped off it on his own n its just so cool??? like the self-rejection there? lovely 💗💗💗

Skirt also ao3 again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ wanted to use a leather jacket but that aint working well with robes so here an alt:D I thought it would be hella funny to have the skirt be imagery of the exorcists causing mayhem, like fallen or not, the hatred for sinners n the pride of a general is still very much there (The excorcists r 1 big fucked up family n no nothing u said will convince me otherwise:))

Revoke wings privilege cause yes , i saw the hc of Adam hugging himself with his wings while in distress going around n yeah thats totally him alright. SooOooOooo what better ways to ensure misery than to take away his 2nd fav bodypart :))) I swear i love him

Angelic steel tail, so i have a certain scene i wanted to draw n for that to happen he need smth enough to fight ok?

Lamb characteristics, everyone know the whole ''sacrificial lamb'' deal we got going on with Adam so yeah it's that (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ He got hooves but he will kill himself before letting others see them:D

I got the "underwear with his own name" thingy from *cough*rule34*cough* ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) dont question it

Charlie is like the least enjoyable to draw , idk why tho

Doing all this really get rid of my perfectionism cause the need to get these out fast is stronger:D (like this panel is 30m of work)

I am also digging this b&w colouring on a grey bg thingy

He's not "Daddy", he's "Grand-daddy x1000" ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

Never has my ref board got this messy omg i mean half of them r for the Overlord! design (coming soon give me a few days:))so yeah its a 2 in 1

I spent like 30m or smth coming up with the actual designs n several hours just to choose the palette (i really hate this stage(╬▔皿▔)╯)

Wait the Overlord! may take longer since im kinda make this into an AU maybe? So i'll need to come up with a Fallen!Excorcist design, peferably with bird traits . Ya can check this post for the initial ideas ✍(◔◡◔)ada

[im-a-regular-joe]

Lets talk about my favorite charater Chazwick Thurman and do what I do best

Overanalyze

I wanna do a little deep dive and some theorizing on this hot shark man. So lets go.

In the episode Exes and Oohs we are introduced to Chaz Thurman, a dumbass shark man with sex for brains. We are soon infromed that he happens to be the ex of both Millie and Moxxie and he tells the story of him and Moxxie's realationship.

he speccifically says

"But I still remember it like it was yesterday! You, a fledging mafioso; me, the dashing and extremely sexy muscle. It was like it was written in the stars!"

Remember that

okay so I have a couple throeies on my boy Chaz so

I know quite a few people hate this shark man with a burning passion, but, if you really look closely at his character, you'll see that he's actually not much of a bad guy. The whole flashback montage of Moxxie and Chaz showed that Chaz really did love Moxxie, and even when he left Moxxie behind, you can tell by the look on his face that he felt he had no other choice.

2. This is more of a question but. Did Crimson kill Chaz? Because I thought the only way for someone to die is if they are killed with an angelic weapon. So does that just mean Crimson horrifically mutilated Chaz?

And if Crimson DID use an angelic weapon, then what about all of those people Millie killed at the wedding? Are they actually dead? Because they weren’t killed with angelic weapons.

3. I don't think Chaz is an imp. We see throughout the episode different demons that are kinda shark themed. I think he was one of them. Chaz has no imp characteristics. No horns, no imp tail, no white hair. He’s a full-blooded shark demon.

Chaz is based off a shark, if you look at the other shark background characters you'll see that they seem to be a whole species. They have the swirly eyes, they can have black markings on their tails, spikes/fins, skeletal parts, and very different body types.

like these sharks from Hazbin Hotel

and some of these guys from the wedding

I think that Striker is part shark demon, part imp, because of his different coloration, unusually large size, swirly eyes, black tail markings, snout (I dont think we've ever seen an imp with a snout) and lack of red on his eyes, which is a trait that we see on most of the other imps, when their pupils shrink, a bit of red iris is shown, however Striker lacks this trait.

Also intresting point they bleed red blood

no sure if they're sinners or if its a consistansy issue but ya

4. I have this sneaking suspision that Chaz abbadoning Moxxie was a completly self centered desision.

I biased of couse but look at this man.

You see a narrcisistic shark man I see a man in love who happens to be a narrcisistic shark man.

During the heist scene lets talk about his face.

hearing the sirens

The realization. He has to make a choice.

Regret.

Hmmmmmmm.

5. I have some speculations on how Chaz reached the conclusion of "Ditch Moxxie"

The money was really that important. As we all know Chaz is flat broke. So was the money really that important to him. I feel like him and striker have simmilar situations. But stiker chooses to rage and rebel and Chaz chose to adapt and try and make the best of it.

This might be a reach but Moxxie's legs as we know where permentaly mutlated by the heist incident

Right so even though Chaz seems to be a complete dumbass there is a chance that he did recognize the damage already done and made a rash desion to let Mox be arrested because if he had tried to help him fast enoguh to get away they could risk permently severing Moxxie's leg and hurting him. Getting arrested could possibly be what saved him.

But again I'm dumb don't murder me.

[fizzbot]

alright, you, this isn't a choice ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS OR I WILL EXPLOTE!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH NO DONT EXPLOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok this got kind of long, so im answering this hellaverse critical ask game under the cut!!!!

1. Explain, not necessarily a criticism, but a nitpick that you have for whatever reason. oh i LOVE to nitpick <333333 i really fucking hate that the sinners cant leave pride. thats literally the dumbest shit ever. guys, that would SOLVE THE OVERPOPULATION PROBLEM????? exterminations straight up would not be necessary (or at least could be way less frequent) if the sinners could travel. some other little things.......i hate that mammon is the only sin that acts like a sin. the REASON lust and gluttony are considered ""deadly sins"" isnt to say 'sex is bad' or 'eating any more than you need is bad', its about how you partake. lust is a sin when you use sex for your own gain, and disrespect others boundaries. gluttony is a sin when you overindulge, taking from the needy and hoarding what you need. bee is an alright character and i LOVE ozze, but why do they care about being respectful???? theyre not really sins if they only show the good aspects of a sin right?????????????????? whats sinful about how ozzie partakes in sex. OH OH OH ALSO. VEGA WAS CAST OUT OF HEAVEN FOR SPARING A CANNIBAL CHILD. A HELLBORN SPECIES. THEY ARE PARDONED FROM THE EXTERMINATION, WHY DID SHE GET KICKED OUT FOR THAT,,,,???? idk JKLSDFHJKLSDF i could list nitpicks all day, i gotta move on

2. What's your favorite and least favorite design in either show? for helluva boss, i gotta give "best design" to striker. i am incredibly biased because hes one of the only characters i like im choosing to ignore western energy and oops but i really like it!!!! its simple, effective, and i think that really lends to the twist in harvest moon. like, yea, this cowboy might be evil, or he could just be a cowboy. for WORST hb design its Bee. no question or context whatsoever. her colors are so fucking bad. for hazbin.....i think my favorite design is probably mimzy!!!! again, real simple, but conveys 'flapper' super well. this is honestly not saying much bc i really dont LOVE her design but i like the trim on the chest a lot and her palette isnt totally eyebleeding. rosies is also pretty good!!! i also like missi's but im a little biased towards the scenecore look JHKLSDFHJK as for worst design.......ugh i might have to give it to val. it makes me so fucking angry. WHEN HE OPENS HIS WINGS HIS DESGN IS GREAT. THE GOLD, THE BELT, THE OPEN SHIRT. BUT THEYRE ALWAYS CLOSED INTO AN UGLY ASS ROBE THAT MAKES NO SENSE. also alastor sucks but thats a given im not even gonna mention it

3. What character do you think has the most wasted potential? Why? ok this isnt really an answer but......every female character. all of them. i am not exaggerating. vega's angel twist couldve been so good but was so stupid. she has no character traits other than "charlies overprotective girlfriend". the exact same thing is true for millie. most of the mom characters die or are bitches. stella is the worst example of this as there is nothing to her at ALL other than evil (earlier i was watching some of the early eps and you can see so many photographs in the bg of her, stolas, and via looking like a happy couple. whered that go). charlie is the princess of fucking hell and yet is completely and totally useless and is worlds biggest pushover. velvet is usually ignored in favor of the 2 male vees, even in (or even ESPECIALLY in) fanworks. why is nifty like that. also honorary male character: PENTIOUSSSS PENTIOUS PENTIOUS PENTIOUS. SO FUCKING WASTED. it genuinely makes me so fucking angry that HE got the redemption when he HAD NO ARC. NONE. HE DID NOTHING WORTHY. BUT THEY HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING AND JUST?? CHOSE NOT TO??

4. What are some aspects of the shows you actually enjoy? .....uhhh..... JHKSDLFHJKLSDFHSDJKL im blanking. honestly im not sure why i enjoy watching them so much. maybe i like them mostly to riff on??? but there was a time where i did enjoy both?? i think i just like watching the little ""arcs"" play out, even if theyre executed horribly. i might come back to this one to think of a better answer

5. What's a redesign from the crit community that you enjoy? i dont think ive ever seen an alastor design thats WORSE than the og. every single one ever is an improvement

6. What's a ship you hate and why? oh. so many. if were talking canon ships, i fucking HATE stolitz. absolutely awful no redeeming qualities ever which SUCKS because i totally think you COULD MAKE IT WORK AND THEY CHOSE NOT TO. its weird slimey fetish bait and i hate it and it totally ruins any stolas development for me bc i just despise him. i also really hate cherrisnake. i think they coulda made it work? but also it was a ship i didnt like even before it was canon, so the awful execution just left a bad taste in my mouth. as for noncanon ships, i hate all alastor ships, but radioapple has a special spot in hell imo. idk why it fills me with so much rage JKLSDFHJKSDHJKL other than that, most canon ships are boring and i dont care about them ether way

7. What's a ship you enjoy? BLITZKER SWEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!! fuck that random bot for taking the blitzker user in 2012 i should be me!!!!!!!!!!!! blitz x striker is so real to me. if viv wants toxic yaoi in her shows so goddamn badly at least make it COMPELLING. cowboyfriends are SO compelling. to me. i also do like fizzmodeus, theyre pretty cute!!!! uhhh. some others i like are polyvees, one-sided radiostatic, zestmilla, mammon x adam, anddd.....i think with some SERIOUS re-writing, huskerdust could work. weve done a great job of it in our fix-verse so far 😎

8. If you had to rewrite a ship in canon - which one and how? ALL OF THEM. LET ME SAVE THIS SHOW. stolitz and huskerdust are the big ones though......for stolitz, i would get rid of their little quid pro quo deal. i know a lot of critics hate it, but i think you could make the "childhood friends" thing work, if, as adults, they rekindled that friendship first. no weird sex deals/manipulation on EITHER end. let them bond over something else. with huskerdust, i also think it could work if husk didnt start really getting interested/involved with him until AFTER angel did some healing. husk shoudlnt have to be the one to fucking save him, he should give angel a wake up call so he knows hes continuing the cycle of abuse. i think maybe after angel makes amends for all the sexual harassment, THEN they could become friends. THEN they could become lovers.

9. Doodle / write request! Asker gives you a (non-NSFW) prompt to draw / give a drabble for! you didnt include this in your ask but i asked you over discord and you said kitty!!!!! fitting, since shes a fizzbot :}c here you go!!!! a little skatch of her!!!!

10. What's a theory you have for future episodes of either show? i think we kinda nailed it when we had that conversation over the phone about the full moon ep in helluva. "blitz is gonna take stolas giving him the crystal as a sign that stolas DOESNT like him, and hes gonna feel all betrayed and sad and hurt. im not mad about this because i think its stupid, im mad because i KNOW its stupid, and i KNOW its gonna be what happens". also i think adam is gonna come back as a sinner but so many people have said that one first

11. Asker gives you a ship to rate and give your perspective on. again you didnt give me one so i asked you over discord and you said BLITZKER!!!!!!!!!! i love these stupidass cowboyfriends 9/10!!!!!!!!!!!! i could literally talk about them all day. their relationship is like, the only thing that stays semi-consistent in western energy in oops so thats all those eps have going for them. but i LOVED their energy in harvest moon. striker seems so pleasantly surprised to find someone about at his skill level!!!!! blitz is the ONLY one who can make sex jokes around him, and have striker NOT be mad at him for it!!!!!! you could argue hes just manipulating blitz SURE but i like to think there is at least some attraction there. calling him "bossman" is just gay as hell IM SORRY. losing points just because. i hate harvest moon and oops striker i HATE HIM I HATE HIM. THEY RUINED HIM . MY BOY :(((((((((((((

12. What media do you enjoy or are critical of? like. what other things do i enjoy?? i enjoy a lot of things :PPP i keep everything else i like/am critical of over on @cloudyscollections <3333 but the most similar relationship to this show i have would be my one with miraculous ladybug. at least that one can get away with being a show for children

13. If you're doing a rewrite - asker offers an inquiry or suggestion about your rewrite. i dont think this is applicable bc you co-own the rewrite anyway HJKLSDFHJKLDF

14. Free space!

blitz sitting like field mouse

THANKS FOR SENDING THIS BABE MWEMWMEWMEMWEMWMWEMWMWEMWEMW <33333333333333333

[mchiti]

i just dont understand people's obsession with other people's religion. faith is supposed to be something personal, between a person and god. why are people trying to analyse other people's behavior and put them in "good muslim" "bad muslim" boxes? i remember the same thing happening back when 1d were popular and every muslim fan i knew was obsessed with zayn's deen. freaking out when they see him smoke or drink or not fast ramadan when they were on tour. how many muslims do we know in our personal lives that are doing those exact same things ? its unfair that people want popular muslims to be the perfect picture of islam. if they want that maybe dont get attached to singers and footballers and look up imams or something. im sorry im ranting in ur inbox but as a muslim who grew up in morocco i just feel its really uncalled for to judge someone's deen especially when they grew up in the diaspora or don't understand arabic and in hakim's case went through tough times that might shake anyones faith. and even if that wasnt the case his faith is his and his alone and we should all respect that

Anon don't apologise for ranting, all good.

I'm not a hijabi. I know pretty well what it means to be questioned, this choice alone makes everything harder and I only have to thank that I have my father who respects and understands my choice and supports me through it. I used to be and I will always support and love hijabi women, but I personally decided this for myself.

I remember that about Zayn Malik, yes, and I felt sorry for him. The discrepancy is quite ironic, because you read all of the judgement but then you go out in the streets, in the real world out there, and it's full of Muslim kids who drink, who smoke, and who struggle greatly, trying to cope being diaspora kids in the west. Let alone most of them live the struggle of being social outcast and very often come from low-income families. t's not just diaspora kids anyway, I know how many struggle in Morocco. We wouldn't be here being diaspora kids in the first place. So what start out as a war against "sinners" becomes a war against the poor and I can't help to think there's a fine line between religion and classism and some people really cross that line. What can people hold against Hakim anyway, he fasts and got a lot of shit because of it in his career (remember when him and Noussair were fasting during UCL and some people at Ajax were mad?). It's only because of his background (some of it quite exaggerated by the media for racist purposes anyway) and yeah, most times that's just poverty stigma and not much more.

We don't have a lot of representation so Muslim people who are famous end up under the microscope for everything but you're right, they're not Imams, they are people with they complexity and layers which we all have. I genuinely don't know what else to say, and my religion didn't teach me to judge people, especially not the most vulnerable.

[citrusvortex]

With the Hazbin episodes out I figure I give a good ol review on the episodes I seen so far, I’ve just took screenshots from my notes because typing on a small phone sucks, this review will have some praises and criticisms, also will touch on sensitive topics so if you don’t like that I recommend you do not read this, anyways onto the review.

MENTIONS SA/ABUSE PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION

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Most of what I wanted to say will be n these photos, but right now I’m gonna go over my gripes I have plus what I like!

No this is not a review where I bash the show nor Viv btw, sorry to anyone who was hoping it was

WHAT I DONT LIKE / CONFUSES ME

1-I’m very confused in the plot, I thought it was supposed to be about sinners being redeemed, when did the heaven vs hell war come into play? I mean I don’t mind a show where the roles are reversed but shouldn’t that have been in the pilot from the beginning?

2-Fast pacing, I mean I’ll be slightly lenient on this one because S1 has eight episodes, but I feel like on one hand there’s too much going on or on the other hand too little, who knows the season finale might surprise me

3-Lil too much swearing, while I do not mind it seeing that these are demons who don’t really care, nor do I personally care for lots of cussing, I think it can be toned down a bit

4-I feel like there’s some good characters here, but they can be executed better, so far there alright, not amazing but I’ve seen worse

5-Writing is a lil all over the place, that’s my one issue with Viv, though compared to Santa Inc or a game like Garten of Bad Bad and so on… but yea that definitely needs some work

WHAT I LOVE/LIKE

1-Songs are catchy as hell, love em

2-Love the art style, while yes there’s too much red even though this takes place in the pride ring it doesn’t make my eyes bleed so far, character designs are good too, not to completely bland but also not too complicated

3-The fact that this started as a pilot on YouTube that became a series is impressing

WHAT I DESPISE THE MOST

Twitter and the fandom, that’s it

Overall my rating is still 8.5/10! I’ll make another review once I seen all the episodes!

Edit-Yes I’m aware of the questionable choices that Viv has said and done, but I can’t be mentally bothered to add them

[letusmeetagain]

First i wanna say i really like all your analysis and theories because you put so much effort into them and im really gratful we have someone like you who like i said again have wonderful theories that make so much sense so please i have a question for you regarding a certain well...very dragged topic so if you wouldnt like to awswer i will totally understand it just i wanted to hear YOUR opinion because i really do appreciate your analysis of snk anyway my question is regarding erehisu...not i dislike it but its just im so tired can isayama make em or eh canon already so this clownery end...BUT i really do believe eremika will be the endgame because of all the proof that we have in the manga but people tend to make it as if its a crack ship ugh...what do you think hisu's final role will be? What do you think eren awswered her? Though i dont believe hisu's question meant any romantic undertones what do you make out of her question to eren?

Hi anon!!

Thank you for your kind words T.T

Well... the question focuses on my opinion on which ship has more chances to become canon, right?

I’ve spent some time thinking about my answer to this question, how I could go direct to the point while giving enough arguments to defend my opinion. Prepare yourself because I couldn’t and this will be very long. Sorry...

1. Eren’s characterization + romance

First of all, there is a very important point about Eren that shipers (even me sometimes) forget. A friend that loves and understand Eren the most pointed this many times when I was starting to forget about it... I dare to say that nobody surpasses her understanding of his characterization.

Eren isn’t a romantic person. We all have to keep in mind that his priorities aren’t the priorities a normal person would have. He is like Rick from Casablanca. There’s the duty and then dreams and then, maybe, romantic love (If we take for granted that he knows what it is). Erwin loved Marie but he had a priority. (There’s me finding more similarities between Erwin and Eren). Eren’s current development is more about his mission than a romantic one. Although he plays with romance, he does it while being blatantly blind about it.

Eren got caught in the middle of his normal development from a child that gets annoyed by romance and has some kind of allergy against cheesy moments (for ex. in ch. 3 with Franz and Hannah) to a teenager that blooms to feel romantic love as something important and unavoidable. It’s normal for kids. But Eren hasn’t a normal life. There was always something more important than learning how to love, be loved and express it openly. It’s not that he isn’t able to love, more likely the opposite. He knows how to love and he has his own ways to do it... but the way the world is restricted his possibilities to live a different life. Even in the way EMA never got to communicate properly most of the times. Communication runs sometimes as a question, a statement and no back question (for ex. ch. 3). Eren asked about Mikasa’s reasons to follow him, about Armin’s reasons, where he threw that line about his death being meaningless. Nobody said anything, neither Mikasa nor Eren reacted stating the opposite. They usually don’t have the time nor oportunity to talk or even think about essential topics as feelings of love or labeling their feelings.

Given Eren’s lack of experience and maturity that we could see until Marley arc. Is it even possible that he developed a carnal relationship with Historia before going to Marley? No. No, because it would contradict somehow his characterization. Eren is depicted exactly as someone that took this decision because he lost every single deep bond that would have stopped him. This lack of understanding brought him to this point. The lack of value he places on life and a comfortable life with friends and family.

2. The baby

The whole baby plot point is from my perspective just about the curse and a new generation (maybe) free from being SoY but just normal human beings.

Historia choosing this way was also the safest way to oppose her destiny... strategically speaking. She could trick everyone without being called openly a traitor. So I’m agree with you. Her question wasn’t romantic.

3. The father and his meaning

The father is, as I pointed out once in my Twitter acc., the farmer. My reasons are that there is a meaning behind his existence. He was a boy that dared Historia to break the rules and stop being submissive. He is aligned with Historia’s current role as someone who stopped being the good girl that follows stupid and detrimental rules in disregard of her own life. He is also a man that decided to redeem himself by helping her with the orphanage without trying to get her attention at all. Being a normal person who enjoys a normal life and also redemption. I’m not saying necessarily that it’s about love, but he isn’t just a nobody. He holds a deep, positive meaning for the story. Isayama pairs usually a sinner and an “innocent”: Annie and Armin, Eren and Mikasa, Erwin and Levi, Ymir and Krista, Historia and the Farmer. Eren and Historia are the current sinners on the matter that both chose the rumbling... let’s say.

Why this kind of pairing? Because one has to contribute to the improvement of the other. Two sinners (with the same crime and perspective) can’t help each other. It’s opposition what will bring them to overcome their weaknesses.

4. Development of the couples

That being said, Eren and Mikasa as pair are in the focus. Isayama went through 10 years of development of most of the pairs to build up a support for EreMika. He build parallels with YumiHisu and Falbi and gave us hints to understand EM better. The vow he made to her was probably one of those moments when he started to be romantic without noticing.

5. Eren and Historia: their moments

EH interactions are, conversely, of other nature. Both feel related about the point of carrying a big burden. While Eren has to save humanity fighting, Historia has the role of a founder who has to assure humanity’s survival by having children and keeping the royal family alive. Both want to be free from that burden and end up being “partners in crime” by betraying everyone. I’m missing the romantic interactions to be very honest. It’s because Eren is so self-focused that he anchors here when someone who is alone and having the same problems and feelings appears. But... where did the fandom start to see something between them?

Two moments. The moment when he said “she is admirable” and the moment when he insisted to spare her life. That obsession that is so tricky to even be explained.

The first one made a difference between how Eren acknowledges Historia’s attributes and disregards Mikasa’s. The fandom uses this to point out that Eren likes Historia more. Well, no. His relationship towards Mikasa was characterized by jealousy. He won’t admit anything.

Regarding his “obsession” to save her... this started when he knew the existence of Eren Krüger, his thoughts and the whole story about Dina. It wasn’t before that. We must also admit that Historia’s safety was related to more characters than just Eren. Since the very beginning, her safety was conveniently displayed by Frieda, Ymir and Reiner, what makes me believe that her destiny was to give birth to this baby (aka. plot armor). Her role is to avoid becoming a titan by her own choice, that’s her arc. With Krüger we also knew the importance of a royal: they can give birth to more convenient instruments for war. Knowing that he was devoted to the mission, I believe that Eren is being influenced by him (I want to highlight the word “influenced” as something different to manipulated). So this is all related to the mission and the final outcome about Ymir, the curse, the power and the baby. Eren partly wants to grant her the chance to choose, but he also pushes her to do so based on part of her desires because of the mission as he did with Grisha.

Add here the fact that Historia was prepared to sacrifice his life at the cave if it was needed. That shows her priorities.

A lot of EH shippers claim that she saved him. Regarding her role as savior, I’m more objective and skeptical. She spared his life, but emotionally speaking, she didn’t really save him. The proof is that he was still low, thinking that he was a nobody. Carla’s words were the message with enough impact to relieve him and make him open himself to Armin and Mikasa and tell them about his sorrows. This shows the difference on the impact on him when it comes to Historia and when it comes to Carla... this happens again in ch. 131. He thinks about his mother instead of Historia who was the one reproving his plan. To me, Historia is his friend and inspired him to fight just for his sake against the system and rebel those who are over him and oppressing him. But his soft side is related to Carla, Armin and Mikasa: his family and those, who appreciate his life over his fate and urge of freedom and to be acknowledged.

Bonus: when Eren told Historia that she saved him was more like “You chose this path once and I’m sorry. I’ll be starting the rumbling and you contributed”. Historia’s face to that looks like this: “Oh no...I fucked up”. It doesn’t look like “Oh no... I don’t regret saving you because I love you and I can’t live without you”. On the contrary, that’s when she realizes that she was part of this since the beginning and that by saving him, she chose to let the rumbling happen once in the past. Then she goes along with the plan for her own reasons and because she hasn’t better options to choose either.

Summary:

Eren didn’t develop as a romantic person yet nor prioritized romantic love over his mission. It goes against a previous explicit development of EH before the trip to Marley. The farmer has a positive meaning as the father. EM is more developed and shows romantic undertones and common tropes. EH hasn’t romantic undertones and it’s more related to the mission to save the eldians.

So... that was it. Sorry again for the length and thank you for the ask!

[petitprincess1]

A Little Advice

Chapter three to A Banger Party (Charlastor, Varlie/Chaggie)

Summary: Charlie doesn't know whether to take Alastor's deal or not. Luckily, a little fly on the wall is willing to listen to her woes. Well, spider not fly....and less willing and just happens to be within earshot.

Words: 1,067

Sorry that this took so long. Dont know if it'll be worth the wait, but I hope so. Again, sorry for any errors.

~~~

Charlie looked between the two of them with an uneasy feeling in her chest, not really liking at the sudden attention on her. She pulled at her collar and gave a nervous giggle, darting her eyes anywhere but at Vaggie and Alastor, “Oh boy! Did it suddenly get stuffy in here or what?”

Vaggie immediately got concerned about Charlie and reassured her, “You don’t have to answer him right now, hun. It’s perfectly fine. We’ll just-”

“Actually, I would prefer an answer now. No better time to start planning than the present. Besides, it’s just a simple event, nothing that needs to be pondered any more than it has to. It will only weave more seeds of doubt and distrust. Plus, we are partners,” Alastor chimed in with his smile growing a bit, especially at the moth sinner.

Charlie shifted in her seat more and was about to speak, but a knock at the door instantly made all her words dry up on her tongue. The voice on the other end shouted out, “Yo, I heard one ya went here. I don’t care who it is, but could ya help me out with some laundry or whateva?”

The princess shot up out of her seat and called out, “Yes, of course! I’ll help, Angel!” She then looked back at the two as casually and stiffly moseyed out of the room, grinning forcefully, “You two continue chatting with one another! I won’t be gone long!” She then slammed the door shut as she pretty much dashed out.

Alastor glanced at Vaggie, who glared back at him. He asked her, “So, shall we try for an awkward or sit in silence until she gets back?”

Vaggie replied, “Silence.”

“Good choice!”

~~~

Charlie carried a basket full of clothes down to the laundry room in the basement of the hotel, while Angel Dust just followed behind and texted on his phone. He was “supervising” once again. She looked over her shoulder and sighed in relief, “Thank you so much for getting me out of there. I mean, even if it wasn’t your intention, I needed it. I just felt so worried. I want to do something for the hotel to put it on the map and give it a name, but Alastor’s offer is a bit much. Not only that, but I still really don’t understand why he’s leaning so hard to help this hotel. Plus-”

creeeeak

Angel Dust cut her off by opening up the rusty-looking washing machine slowly and forcing it to make an ear-splitting, high-pitched noise. He gave an annoyed huff and commented, “Look, I only came down here ta help ya and because Niffty had threatened ta burn my toy stash if I didn’t help out. At least, I’m guessin’ that’s what she was sayin’. The doll was still pretty out of it.” He then leaned up against the machine, while Charlie loaded it up, and finished, “Point is. I ain’t here to chitchat.”

The princess blinked up at him and deadpanned, “If I give you $50, will you listen to my problems?”

Angel glanced down at her, looked back at his phone, and held out a hand, “Make it 80.”

The girl quickly fished out her wallet and then took out a few bills, handing them over to the spider demon. As he was counting out the money, Charlie had slumped against the machine and whined, “I just don’t know what to do! I want to go with Al’s choice because it would benefit so much, but I just know that there’s something else to it. Plus, Vaggie and I were able to get on 666 News without his help, I’m sure we’ll be able to get that same coverage again. ...It just feels like such a waste if I let this slip me by, you know? What’s the worst that can happen?”

Angel chuckled, smirking, “Oh, I can think of a few things that Smiles can do that could fuck this up for ya.”

The spider demon then flinched at seeing Charlie’s depressed demeanor as she finished placing the clothes into the laundry and closed the rusty door shut. Angel Dust shifted a bit and then shrugged his shoulders before patting Charlie’s head in a very stiff way. He informed, “Look, ya can either it around and think until the next Extermination comes or just say “fuck it”. I mean, it’s kinda odd ta think about at times, but ya are the princess. Al has no choice but to kinda listen ta ya. So, just do what ya did before. Set boundaries, put a leash on him, and maybe a small gag. You’ll do fine.”

Charlie gave him a small smile and asked, “You really think so?”

Angel Dust nodded and muttered, “If it gets me outta this conversation, then sure. ‘Sides, like you said, what’s the worst that he can do?”

The demon princess couldn’t contain her excitement as she hugged Angel tightly and squealed, “EEE!! Thanks, Angel Dust!”

The spider hugged her loosely and grumbled, looking off to the side and lightly petting the back of her head, “Yeah, yeah, don’t go tellin’ this ta anyone.”

~~~

After the discussion with Angel, Charlie went back to Alastor and Vaggie, announcing that she’s going along Alastor’s plan, while telling him that he will be kept on a short leash. As always, the radio demon just grinned at her terms and agreed to them before disappearing the moment the two gals blinked.

As much as she hated being overprotective, Vaggie couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy. She asked Charlie, “You sure that you thought this through, Charlie? Not to doubt your decisions or anything, but...you know…”

Charlie nodded, “I understand, Vaggie, but don’t worry! I got this all figured out! Now...let’s finish up getting this place straight and maybe get some hangover cures on the go for some guests.”

The moth sinner nodded at her and ran her fingers through Charlie’s hair just to stop in confusion as she pulled some things out from the thickness, possibly tucked into the back of the princess’ shirt. Vaggie questioned her, “Uh, Charlie, why do you have 80 bucks in your hair or on your back or whatever?”

The demon princess quickly turned around and grabbed the money with a surprised, excited gasp. She squealed, dancing in place, “Things are changing~!”

Vaggie blinked at her, “.....What?”

[rkivepacks]

TITLE: i’m good, i love you Series: why are you sorry? it’s not your fault you don’t love me [see previous work] Pairing: taekook/kookv/vkook (Kim Taehyung & Jeon Jungkook) Rating: PG13 Genre: angst but you’ll live Word Count: 2,029 Trigger Warning/s: swearing(?), one or two sentences of questioning self worth but not too graphic Cross-posted on: AO3/dtgloss

NOTES: ∟ banner by @rkivepacks​ ∟ request banner here ∟ request prompt/send commission here

∟ unbeta-ed ∟ the requests for a sequel for the first one was from a long time ago and im p sure when they said requests they were hoping for a fluff one but i wasnt in the mood for fluffy when i did this so...

Summary:   the difference between want and have is you

his eyes roam the words carefully printed on the wall, on the lower left part of the painting. it is where the title, date and artist are usually placed.

a piece of me is always found right beside you it follows you wherever you go it’s lonely from what i see where i stay far from you

alone.

taehyung, these days, is alone.

he is used to it but routine never makes it okay to be alone.

his sadness should not be a routine but, oh well, it is.

he stays in his average house that’s one in the lined town houses in the village. the area itself is decongested, only the people habituating each house goes in and out of their little village and everyone is almost familiar, if not knows, each other.

his own house in particular looks lived on. more so on the side of used but not so worn out. maybe the walls are not as white and clean as they used to be, a few scratches and dirts that got on it as days pass by but no ceiling has started falling down unprompted and everything works how they’re assigned to function.

taehyung would like to think he’s more sad than alone. he still has friends anyway but friends cannot always live with you on your house guised under the cover of it being a sleepover that turns into days.

but friends just like him have their own personal matters and cannot always be with him. he understands when hoseok cannot stay for more than two days and has to leave just before lunch to meet up with a close friend of his, one from outside of their group of friends so taehyung can’t have the option to ask to come with. he understands when jimin cannot come on days he’s asking him to and sometimes comes on a saturday instead of his friday night invite.

when he’s so down, he thinks he’s not entitled to his friends times but they assure him it’s not the case.

so no, he is not alone.

he goes over to the next display, going over the sculpture itself and then to the artist description posed near the display. the sculpture itself is a form that resembles a man that is slightly haunched, although it takes more than a second to realize as the form only captures the head to chest of a human body, but considering that the back part of it protrudes slightly the way a man would when lax. the main body is that of charcoal color but it was designed to portray a visual effect of a dripping paint from its head, represented with different colors which are bright enough to contrast its dark body.

the display is almost familiar and it has been staring at him longer than he stared at it.

the title is printed in bold, a sinner

love is not a sin but my thoughts about you and the way i see the word love around you is

taehyung moves on to another display, it being a worn out stack of paper that looks as if it has 300 pages of a4’s binded by a clip. he steps closer to it to inspect, knowing displays are off limits and can only be appreciated through the eyes, he skims over the word of what he found out would be a script of some sort.

he reads,

i’m drunk, i love you

the difference between want and have is you

he walks over to the last one if its placement by the exit is anything to go by, just like the last one he’s looked over, it’s a display with a single ring in the middle.

all alone

and it sits there as if it has been assigned to mock him and the ring that sits on the very bottom and far end of a box full of things he doesn’t need but can’t seem to throw away.

he reads the title and wow, yes. it’s definitely mocking him. he had been giving it the benefit of the doubt but the title is the last straw. this whole exhibit is out to mock him.

taehyung thinks he’s being over dramatic. but he also thinks this last display is offensive to him, absolutely personal.

—

taehyung sits at home, eyes on the tv he has playing as he waits for night time news.

it seems like the words of the last display he went to see that day have been imprinted on his brain, on the wall in front of him, on the ceiling as he looks up, when he close his eyes.

—

Once you told me, your eyes are always on me.

And you did, you took care of me.

Because you are that kind of person.

You put me before you.

All the time.

Which is why you are the best.

To be honest, I would not even put me before me.

—

taehyungiehyungihyung,

have you been well? i hope you are. the longest time i’ve been away from you is now and still counting— the present. the second one would be during Christmas breaks because you and your family spend it on your relatives home alternately and don’t come back until after new years. anyway... is your hair longer now? i hope it is and i hope you dont cut it. i seem to have a lot of hopes.

im packing up for a trip to a long trail not too far from here. they said it was too pretty to pass up and you get to reach the clouds.

, jungkook

taehyung reads the letter. he received it yesterday late afternoon and it doesnt have a date. jungkook often forgets to write dates so he assumes they were written at least three days ago.

it wasnt the first letter he received. he doesnt keep count but he has a few kept behind his door where he puts his mails.

in the first letter, jungkook said its best to not have taehyung write back. he goes from one place to another, he said. so, taehyung merely reads them and keeps them.

in the first letter, he also said about his sudden departure. he wanted to be away for a while and he knows his best friend would need him for the wedding so he decided to do it after. he didnt even get to say goodbye and only got a whiff of the younger when the letter came that day.

jungkook didnt say why he left and where he went. he just did. right after taehyung’s wedding, he packed up and went away from taehyung’s vicinity as far as he could.

does he know? taehyung asks. does he know i’m not married anymore?

—

his divorce with minji was something that stemmed off a petty thing.

falling out of love is a petty thing.

but, he guesses, they both cannot trap themselves in a house they’re not happy in anymore.

it was sudden, the divorce.

minji told him that she doesnt feel the same anymore. they agreed to stay off the house and after more than a week of a cool off she said she doesnt feel anything at all.

in taehyung’s case, he did not feel it the same way minji did. he only noticed once minji told him she felt that way. it made him feel that the heaviness in the room when they’re both in it was a foreboding for something.

taehyung is a giving lover. the time away from minji made him think a lot. he knows he doesn’t have a choice but to agree on the separation. forbid his thoughts, but he doesn’t want the time to come when the both of them completely falls out of love and seeks warmth from another person and then go home at night to sleep in the same bed.

he texts minji, because as accepting as he is about the decision, he’s not too keen watching a soon to be ex wife pack up and leave.

both of them were gradually moving out their personal items from the house. properties they bought with their shared money will be sold as secondhand items and some are donated.

in between moving out and settling in to a new apartment, he’s had namjoon and jimin with him and if yoongi has extra time mostly at night, he helps sort out his things.

he knew there was a missing person. he wanted to tell jungkook about it.

but jungkook wasn’t there.

—

until one day, jungkook is back.

suddenly, he’s there attending the dinner party for jin’s birthday, sat beside hoseok.

he casted him wary glances throughout the night. at some point he was even referencing to taehyung like everything’s so normal, but taehyung knows it’s just a very jungkook way of letting him know ‘i’m here and i will talk to you and acknowledge your presence whether you like it or not’. taehyung isn’t one for being petty so he went along with it. thankfully, their friends don’t seem to give too much thought into their two other friends sat on the opposite sides of the table.

the next day, jungkook seems to have arrived in taehyung’s new home at the same time a delivery for taehyung came. it eased jungkook’s nerves that he doesn’t have to go through knocking and then purposefully being ignored.

“did you order anything?” jungkook asks just as the delivery person makes their leave.

“i went and bought some essential oils.” taehyung silently gestures for the other to come in and jungkook did, locking the door behind him.

“how are you, taehyungie?” jungkook was sat in front of taehyung in the living room. there’s only the makeshift coffee table and some mats on the floor to sit on since taehyung have yet to buy a sofa.

“tired these days. in between work and unpacking. i’m jealous of kids who do nothing when they’re moving into a new home because they get a free pass to not do things around.” taehyung pouts silently, looking at the soda in can at hand while he traces a finger on the lid.

jungkook chuckles at that and after, no one speaks until, “i’ve heard about it.”

when taehyung makes no motion to respond to it, jungkook continues, “jimin hyung mentioned it to me one time that they were helping you move out so i asked... sorry.”

“it’s okay. i had friends who helped me. i got by.” taehyung winces.

“i wasn’t.” jungkook says, the here that follows hangs in the air which they know would follow.

“you were busy.” taehyung says instead.

jungkook would retaliate but he knows there’s no point.

“i sent you an invite to my exhibit. you went?” jungkook asks, hopeful.

“i did.”

“you didn’t insist to text me or write. i kind of assumed you would once you see it, but it’s okay. at least you did go to it.” jungkook pats his own thigh lightly to distract him.

“i wouldn’t know what to say. at the wedding, and even before that. i would feel something but i didn’t want to be that person and assume. i could be seeing it wrong, i don’t know.” taehyung rambles. “but then the other boys would also drop a few comments here and then.” and it’s true. sometimes jin would say teasing words and taehyung only acts as if he doesn’t get it and sometimes, he acts as if he didn’t hear it at all.

“you were happy. i don’t have any excuse.” jungkook whispers.

“now-“

“now what?”

“i guess to some extent, i liked you back. but i didn’t see it until now so i’m not going to rush this and jump into a relationship with you right away. it’s not fair to the both of us.”

“i understand. after all, your divorce is not yet finalized. i’d be here for you but i’m not gonna distract you from it.” jungkook assures him and that’s all he needs. everything will be okay.

“i know it’s the last day of your exhibit today. wanna go together?” taehyung smiles at jungkook and indeed, everything’s okay.

[mimi-cee-hq]

hi mimi i follow you but i dont always have the time to read what you post. im sorry abt that and im sorry if im wrong or if you already stated this made you uncomfy. i remember a while ago you said you were married. im not religious nor experienced love so i have a few anxietys about it. how do you know when you're in love? and how do you make that love last? i don't really know who to go with this question except you. its okay if you don't want to answer i understand. have a nice day lovely 💞

Hi Anon!! First of all, you don't have to apologize for not reading my stuff! lol. There are other things more important than reading my fics :)

I just want to preface that, even though you said you're not religious, I think these things are still applicable. If God is the one, true, living god (like factually and objectively true) and the Bible is true, then it's not only true for Christians, it's true for everyone whether you're religious or not. So I hope you understand that's the worldview I'm coming from and not think I disregarded the part where you said you're not religious.

(Also, it's totally normal to have anxieties about love because it's scary to allow yourself to be vulnerable to another person! I could probably write a whole post about how I felt when my husband first asked me out and when he first brought up marriage.)

So how do I know that I'm in love romantically? Uhh... it started with a crush for me, thinking that he was cute and admiring certain qualities about him. I don't think that crushes are bad, but if they're not rooted in something solid, the relationship won't last.

Those butterflies in your stomach won't last and it's not worth trying to make them last. A relationship can't be held together by pure emotion. (But it's not devoid of emotions either.)

Making a relationship last boils down to commitment and real love. 

It's a choice whether or not the two of you are going to commit to making it work. When you've decided, that commitment is formalized in marriage before witnesses. You'll likely stay together longer, especially if you've promised to stay together for life. If there's no commitment at all, it won't last. 

Regarding real love, the Bible defines what it looks like. Here are a few sample verses. (It's not limited to romantic love).

"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Corinthians 13:4

So the big issue is deciding whether or not to commit to loving someone. (That’s a whole other topic lol.)

For me and my husband, we're committed to each other because we both love God first and foremost and want to honour him with our relationship. And we continue to love each other because God first loved us. God, who is perfect, holy and just, loved us while we were sinners. He showed us what love looks like when Jesus laid down his own life to bear the punishment of our sins. (More about this here.)

So God is my motivation when love gets hard and we ask him for help because we can't do it on our own.

(Small caveat: I feel like a small number of you might read into this and think that I'm saying domestic abuse victims should stay with their abuser. I'm not and that's not what this post is about. If you feel like this came out of nowhere, you're probably not one of those people. lol.)

Thanks for this question! It gave me an opportunity to write down my thoughts about relationships in a coherent way. lol. I hope you have a nice day too!! ❤

[all-gods-children]

1) Hello! I had a question (: I'm 19 years old, and have this best friend I met while going to university. Me and her are so close, she is my best friend and family, she is like my sister. I am also a believer in Jesus(: I've tried to share at times but it doesnt seem to work.. shes also homosexual, so I was wondering how I would share my stance on that with her as a believer.. today I acidentally said while we were having a conversation that she 'chose' to be homosexual, and it made her..

2) emotional.. and i didnf realize why. And she said because I said "chose" and she said I didnt choose it. I was born this way. We dont chose to be like this. And she says emotional because it triggered her because her family is homophobic. But she knew I didnt mean to hurt her cause I grew up in an enviroment that says being homophobic is a choice, I wasnt that educated. I'm just wondering how to tell her my stance on it. Because God says to love, but also he doesnt support it.

Hey there! So I actually made a lot of close friends in college who were part of the LGBTQ community, and so this is very dear to my heart! I think the biggest testament of Jesus is our love. In my experience, a lot of the LGBTQ community has had such horrible experiences with Christians that they can’t bring themselves to believe that God is loving and merciful. So they distance themselves from God and Christianity because they’d rather not be hurt by the religion. 

You don’t always have to make every conversation revolve around that topic, but do be open to conversations about it. When it comes to sharing your beliefs, don’t sugar coat them. Just be straightforward about it, but also be kind and loving and merciful, just like God has been with you. You can be firm in your beliefs but kind and loving as well. The biggest thing for nonbelievers to understand is that we as believers are just as desperately in need of Jesus and His sacrifice as anyone else. And I think that one of the biggest things that drives people away is that Christians all too often pretend like we as believers are above nonbelievers because we already have Jesus and walk with Him. But that’s not telling the whole story of the Gospel and how we are all broken sinners who need Jesus more than we need air in our lungs. 

So when you’re sharing your faith, just remember to be firm, don’t back down, but also be loving. Share the Gospel and make sure it’s the whole Gospel. The Gospel is such a powerful thing, but when only parts of it are used or twisted, that’s when it can drive people away and take them further from the truth of the Gospel. One thing I had to learn was exactly what I believed about God and the Gospel and His love, and then I also had to learn how that helped me relate to the people around me. Don’t be afraid to take some time to investigate, ask God questions, and come to understand better how He wants you to witness to those around you. 

In the end, don’t back down from your faith and your beliefs. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask questions or keep searching, it just means to be firm, don’t sugar coat things, give the whole truth of the Gospel, and do all of it in love and mercy.

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Happy Ending (Jungkook x You ONESHOT)

A/N: This is a request from @veggiejimin Thank you for this wonderful idea, I hope I do justice to your amazing plot <3 I posted her request at the bottom of the story so that it wont spoil the ending. but for those who wants to read it first before reading the story, you can do that.

Also, I’m sorry but I think everyone knows by now that I'm a Jungkook slut, whore, will sell my soul to him and give up my first born for him, whatever you want to call it, so whenever you give me a choice to choose a member it will always be him. If that makes me a sinner, so be it. Hahaha.

And I have been dying to write a story based on this particular line, and I think this request fits what I have in mind:

"I never promised you a happy ending, you never said you wouldn't make me cry" - Autumn Goodbye by Britney Spears

MASTERLIST

"I we do this, if we really going to be together, I cant promise you a happy ending Jungkook,"

"And I cant promise that I wont ever make you cry," his answer make her smile. Being friends before developing any romantic feelings towards the other, the two of them are too honest with each other.

"So we are really doing this?" Jungkook smile at her question. A smile so bright she felt her heart might burst just from the look of it. He take a step forward and held both of her hands in his.

"Yes. We are doing this. I love you Y/N," he leaned in and she felt his lips against hers, soft, sweet and everything more than she could have ever imagined, marking the day as the day he becomes hers and her, his.

Y/N is heads over heeks in love with one particular Jeon Jungkook, and she hopes this is her happy ending.

"Happy birthday Y/N!" Y/N smile, as she covers her face to hide her red nose, the after effect from her non stop crying. Something she does every year for the past five years on her birthday. Jimin and Taehyung look at each other before looking back at the cake which is top with fully lit candles that they were holding.

"Were you crying?" Jimin asks, brows furrowed in concern. He already knows the answer but decides to ask anyway. Y/N hastily shakes her head, trying to lie like she always does and gave them a smile. Taehyung placed the cake on her side table and went to engulfed her in a tight hug.

"There is no need to lie to us Y/N. You can cry all you want tonight. We are staying the night," he kissed her forehead and flashed her his signature smile.

"Thankyou guys. Thankyou for doing this every year for me," Y/N's voice is almost unheard as it is muffled by the two boys who are now hugging her. "Lets forget about it and just eat some cake and watch a movie yeah?"

"Okay birthday girl. Whatever you want to do," Taehyung smiles as he take the cake to the kitchen and Jimin starts to pick a movie. Y/N stood and watch the boys, a smile gracing her lips. She loves Jungkook, she loves him very very much, but every year on her birthday, she has never been more grateful to have Taehyung and Jimin in her life.

/////

"You are back!" Jungkook immediately stood up from the couch and approach his hyungs who just walked in the door. He spent the whole night, and the better part of the morning restless and guilty, waiting for his hyungs to come back from his girlfriend's apartment.

"Yeah,"

"How..how is she?" Taehyung glared at him as he asks the question.

"What do you think?" Taehyung's voice is laced with sarcasm, making Jungkook hung his head low.

"She was crying even before we got there. And she spend the whole night crying too," Jimin answered the restless maknae. "How long are you going to do this to her Kookie?"

"Yeah, if this goes on any longer, you should just let her go," Taehyung interrupt. Jungkook's head snapped at his hyung's ridiculous suggestion.

"What?! No, never! I love Y/N,"

"You sure about that? With the way you treat her, maybe you should think again," Taehyung's said, voice full of venom as he marched off into his room. Jimin gave the maknae a small smile and pat his shoulder.

"You know Tae's like that because he really cares about both you and Y/N right?" Jungkook nodded weakly. "But you really need to figure things out soon Kookie," he reminds him before walking off.

Jungkook went back to the couch and slumped himself down. Him and Y/N has been together for 5 years now. Their relationship is wonderful. Y/N is the perfect girlfriend he could have ever asks for. But every year on her birthday, he will just shut himself out from the world. He felt bad. He should have spend it with her like any loving boyfriend should do. She deserves that. She deserves every happiness in the world.

But he cant... because that exact date is the day Nari left him for good.

He would like to think that he had moved on when he met Y/N five years ago. Her smile and her laugh gives makes the butterflies in his stomach goes crazy. He always miss her when she's not around, and he enjoys being with her. He really thought he had fully moved on, that he's happy now, no longer haunted by that dreadful tragedy, but every year when the annivesary of the day Nari walk out from his door came by, he snapped.

The memory of Nari with tears on her face as she said her final goodbye, how she said she will always love him, how she said she wish the circumstances are different so that they could be together haunts him. It just happens that the tragic days falls on Y/N's birthday.

He still remember their first year together. Y/N was so happy. She has always been obssesed with birthdays. Anyone's birthday. Jungkook remembers how happy she looks when she came to his dorm, bringing a piece of cake, just to celebrate her birthday with her boyfriend since they have a full day practice that day. And what did he do? He grabbed the cake from her hold and threw it on the floor, startling Y/N.

"Wh... why did you do that Kookie?"

"You are asking me?! Why the hell would you come here looking so happy for? Didnt I tell you not to disturb me today?!" He snarled. Y/N who is confused of what's happening starts to tear up.

"But... its..its my birth-"

"Please just get out. I will see you tomorrow okay?" He pushed her shoulders, shoving her towards the door and slammed it close.

Y/N spend her birthday crying the whole night that year, confused and hurt on why her boyfriend is acting that way. Jungkook went over to see her later the next day, explaning to her and apologizing for his extreme behaviour. He explains that that particular date brings a bad memory to him, something he doesnt want to remember and that the day triggers his ridiculous actions. He never meant to hurt her. He had expected Y/N to throw him out from her house and break up with him from his shitty explanation; his behavior is beyond unforgivable. But instead she smile and said she understand that he has his reason and never once pressured him to tell her in detail of what happened that would make him do the things he did. In fact, Y/N never talk about that date or her birthday with him ever again.

Its been five years since then, and every day since that day, Jimin and Taehyung will come to see her, in place of her boyfriend, making sure she's alright and not spending her birthday alone since her own boyfriend will shut himself out from the world without any explanation. Jungkook sighed. He can see the sadness in her eyes every year, he can see her longing to spend her special day with the one she loves, he can see that he is hurting her. He knows Y/N doesnt deserve such a shitty boyfriend like him, but Jungkook admits he is selfish. He is positive he loves her and he cant just let her go akrhough the memory of Nari still haunts him day and night. Jimin is right. He needs to figure things out. He just hopes Y/N will still be willing to wait for him while he tries.

Y/N never asks. She never question Jungkook. Not even once. She believed that Jungkook will open up to her when he's ready.

But its been 5 years. And Y/N finally wonders how much longer can her heart take it.

/////

"Hey..."

"Oh you are here," Y/N turned from the dishes and smile at Jungkook who just entered her apartment. He went over and give her a quick kiss, noticing how her eyes and nose are still a bit swollen. She must has spend more than a day crying. Jungkook tries to forget the thought and flashed her his biggest smile.

"Yeah. Practice was cancelled today, so I came. I wanted to see you. I miss you," he tugged her closer by her waist and stare at her beautiful face that he miss so much, making her blush. "Lets spend the whole day together today,"

Y/N nodded her agreement and that is exactly what they did. Spending the whole day watching movies, cuddling, exchanging kisses and eating a whole lot of takeout food that Jungkook is sure he needs to work extra hard tomorrow to burn it all off. The day went well until Y/N suddenly stiffened as she straighten herself from laying down on Jungkook's chest, making him confused.

"What's wrong baby?" Y/N avoided his gaze and fiddled with her hands that is on her lap, indicating that she's nervous about something.

"Kookie... we have been dating for five years now,"

"Yes. I know that," he laughs.

"And... can I ask you something?" She turns to look at him. Jungkook grab her hand to assure her that she can ask him anything.

"Of course you can baby. You dont have to be so nervous around me. Its me," he giggle as he traces unknown shapes in her palm, helping her to calm down. Y/N ease into his touch and takes a deep breath.

"I know I shouldnt ask... but its been five years... and I think this time i want to know," she paused. "Can you tell me what happened on that day that makes you hate that date so much?" The moment the question left her lips, Jungkook's face changed into anger and he immediately shrugged off her hands.

"You are right. You shouldnt ask," was his cold answer.

"But Jungkook, I just want to know-"

"No! You dont need to know anything!" He suddenly stood up, yelling, startling her. "We had a very nice day today. Why do you have to go and ruin everything by being a curious little bitch?!"

To say that Y/N was shocked by his words was an understatement. During their whole five years being together, never once Jungkook ever said those harsh words to her. Nor has he ever raised his voice to her. What happened on that day that could make him change 360 everytime she brought it up?

"You know what? If you cant just let it go, then I dont think I want to do this anymore," he starts to walk away, anger radiating off him. Y/N jumped to her feet and grab his arm before he could walk off.

"Jungkook, please. Dont go. I'm sorry,"

"I just need some time okay," he shakes his arm off fron her hold and walk to the door. He turns to look at her before exiting. "Just... just give me some space,"

Y/N colllapsed on the floor the moment Jungkook slammed the door close, the tears she tried so hard to conceal finally rolls down her cheeks. After quite some time crying her heart out she slowly crawled to the couch, picking up her phone with the last of her strength.

"Hello?"

"He..hello?"

"Y/N? Are you okay?"

"Tae... I think I'm ready to know what happened to Jungkook,"

/////

"What did he do this time?" Both Jimin and Taehyung peered into Y/N's swollen face that is sitting opposite of them in the quiet little cafe. She gave them a small tired smile.

"He didnt do anything,"

"Stop defending him. He dont deserve it," Taehyung protests as he rolled hia eyes at her answer. Typical Y/N. Always defending her undeserving boyfriend.

"Why do you love that asshole so much," Jimin sighed. "Tae is right. He really dont deserve you," Y/N laughs. Really, she is always so grateful for Jimin and Taehyung in her life. They were the only thing that could replace the hole Jungkook left inside her heart.

"Stop it guys. I know you love Kookie as much as I do," Y/N chuckles, making the two smile.

"Sadly, that is true," Jimin nodded before his face turned serious. "But Y/N... are you really ready to find out?"

Y/N fiddled with her hands again as her gaze shift between the two boys who is wearing identical serious expression. She exhale and nodded. "Yes. I think its time for me to finally know what's making Jungkook this way,"

Jimin and Taehyung look at each other before nodding, silently agreeing to her request.

"Jungkook... he hates that date so much because that's the day Nari left him," Taehyung 's soft voice pierced through Y/N's heart. She had thought about millions possibilities of what could have happened to Jungkook on that day, but a girl? They have been together for five years, how is this girl still have so much effect on him? Is he lying when he says he loves her?

"Na..Nari?"

Jimin looks at Taehyung with a worried expression, silently discussing if they should continue on with the story but Y/N reached out from across the table and hold their hands, assuring them to go on. It might hurt her, but she needs to know. She needs to make Jungkook happy again, whatever it takes.

"Nari is Jungkook's first love,"

"His true love," Taehyung added, earning a smack from Jimin who points at Y/N with his eyes, worried his friend's word might hurt her. Y/N chuckle at the two who is not at all subtle in their behaviour.

"Its fine Chim. Go on,"

"They met when they were young. Before he even debuted. Jungkook is head over heels in love, and so is she," Y/N focus herself on listening, ignoring the ache in her heart at knowing that Jungkook was once in love with someone else, most probably still is. "But you know us trainees are not allowed to have girlfriends right?" She nodded.

"They tried to hide their relationship at first, Jungkook spend what little money he have to visit and spend time with her whenever he can. But their relationship got found out eventually. Jungkook could have been kicked out but he has so much potential that the management decides they couldnt do that," Jimin stops, looking at his friend for the continuation.

"The management went behind his back to see Nari," Y/N gasps.

"That's horrible. How can they interfere with his personal life like that?" Y/N starts to sympathuze with them now. Jungkook might be the love of her life, but the thought of people trying to break him apart from this Nari girl breaks her.

"That is how valuable Jungkook is to the company. They dont want to lose him. Especially knowing that Jungkook is willing to give up on his dreams to become an idol just to be with her," Y/N dropped her gaze. Jungkook must love Nari so much if he is willing to do that much for her. For the five years they have been together, his career always comes first, and although Y/N understands that but sometimes it still hurts her feelings. But still, she never once said anything to Jungkook. Its something she always know that she will become second to when she agreed to marry him.

"So they told Nari that if she didnt leave him, then Jungkook would lose his chance to become an idol, which is his dream. And Nari, I guess loves him too much to do that to him. So she broke up with him and left him..."

"On the same date as your birthday," Jimin finishes the story.Y/N was silenced from the shocked. She would never have thought that Jungkook could love someone this much. He surely never showed this kind of love to her.

"But... you guys are allowed to date after a year of debuting. Why didnt he find her then? Or wait for her till then?"

"She went to study abroad during that time. Jungkook was devastated when she left and he had planned to wait for her return, but he met you instead," Jimin smile softly at her.

"Yeah. We thought you are the saving grace that would make him forget. He really does loves you, you know. But I dont understand why the date still triggers him. He shouldnt be like this. He already has you. Doesnt he know that he's hurting you?!" Taehyung snarled. He is always protective of Y/N. He cares for her like a little sister and he hates to see her crying because of his stupid maknae. Y/N smile at him and rub his hand, trying to sooth him down.

"I told you, its okay Tae," she lets out a little giggle. "And thankyou guys for telling me this. Now I understand him a little more. Its hard to lose someone you love," Jimin sighed at her respond.

"I just wish Kookie would take the time to understand you too. You are really too good for him Y/N," Y/N laughs and shakes her head.

"No I'm not. He deserves better than me," she whispered, which the boys didnt hear.

After the conversation she had with Taehyung and Jimin, Y/N already know what her next steps are. Her next steps to ensure Jungkook's happiness. She look at the name in her phone contacts, a number she gets from Taehyung behind Jimin's back after a long session of begging, pleading and bribing with endless ice creams and pizzas.

Song Nari

/////

"There is just one more thing I need to know. Do you still love him?" The pretty girls sitting in front of her smile shyly and nodded.

"I do. I love him so much I dont think I can ever love anybody else,"

"You promise to make Jungkook happy?"

The girl nodded her head as she smjle widely. "Of course I will. I will do anything for Kookie,"

"Then that is all I need to know," Alrhough the way she called him makes her heart tighten, Y/N smile back, although her smile this time lack sincerity and sparkles like it usually does.

/////

"Baby... are you still mad at me?" Jungkook held both of her hands tight in his, peering into her eyes, looking for a reaction. Y/N smile. Like she always does whenever they were fighting. Whenever Jungkook is being a shit to her.

"No I'm not. I was not even mad at you in the first place," she shakes her head. Its been almost two weeks since their fight and Y/N didnt contact him at all, respecting his wishes to give him some space, although she misses him so much. But at least the time apart from him gave her the space she needed to seek out Nari and finally clear out everything. She didnt mean to see Jungkook today. Taehyung invited her to their dorm saying everybody is out except for Yoongi who is not bothered to keep him company. Bored and alone, he seeks out Y/N to accompany him. She didnt think that the other boys, Jungkook of course included will be back so soon. The moment Jungkook saw his girlfriend in a questionable position while playing Twister with his hyung, he immediately dragged her into his room. To be honest, he miss her and he had wanted to reach out to her sooner but his schedule has been deadly this past weeks. So its a good thing that Taehyung invited her over. Well, a good thing minus the position he found them in, limbs tangling around each other on the Twister mat. Jungkook seeths at the memory.

That hyung really deserves some beating.

"Why are you always so nice to me baby? I dont deserve any of this," he whispered to her as he hug her tight and kiss the top of her head. Y/N return the hug, basking in the scent of him. She can feel the tears starts to prickle the corner of her eyes as she remembered what she's going to do in a moment.

"Dont say that Kookie. You know you deserve so much better than me," her voice muffled by his chest. Y/N breaks the hug and looks up to him, trying to burn every inch of his face in her memory. Jungkook was her first love, but sadly now she knows that she is not his. "Jungkook, you know I love you right?"

He smile and nodded. "And I love you too baby,"

Y/N tries to ignore the pain in her heart, now that she knows what he's saying is most probably a lie. He doesnt love her. He might think he does but its Nari that he loves.. "And you know I would do anything to make you happy right?"

"Why are asking me this? What's going on Y/N?" Jungkook's brow furrowed, confused and a little nervous at her sudden questions. She just smile at him although her heart is breaking when she remembers what she's about to do next.

"I think... I think we should break up,"

The silence following her statement felt like a thousand years before Jungkook finally say something.

"What are you talking about?"

"I think we should break up," she repeated herself. More sure this time. Jungkook ran his hand through his hair and turn to look at her.

"No. I wont allow that,"

"I dont think that's your choice Jungkook," Y/N's voice is soft, trying to hide her sadness.

"No!" He yelled, making her jumped. He walk towards her and grabbed her hands. "Why are you doing this? Is it because of our fight that day? Im sorry baby. I know I have been a shitty boyfriend but I swear I will try to change,"

"No Jungkook. Its nothing that you did," her heart breaks to hear Jungkook plead and beg. He is not the kind of man to lose his composure like that.

"Then what is it? Tell me and I will fix it. Dont do this Y/N. Lets just forget this hmm?" His grip on her become tighter as he stares into her eyes. The way he looks at her almost make her change her mind, to just be selfish and stay with him. But what's the point? Jungkook doesnt love her. If he does he wouldnt freak out every year like he did whenever that tragic date came around.

"Jungkook... I promise you that I will do anything in my power to make you happy. Do you remember that?"

"I do! Then why are you doing this? It doesnt make sense!"

"Because you are not truly happy with me. You are not in love with me," Jungkook can hear the crack and shaking in her voice. He can see this hurts her as much as it hurts him. So why is she doing this?

"Stop it Y/N. I love you. You are my girlfriend! I love and I want to be with you! Stop saying nonsense, of course I'm happy with you!"

"I wish those words were true... but I know its not," she smile sadly at him, eyes already glazed with unshed tears. "I know you love me Jungkook, but you dont love me as much as you love Nari. You wont ever love me as much as you love her," Jungkook was stunned the moment he heard Nari's name came out from her mouth. How on earth does she knows about her?

"Y/N, I-"

"Its okay. I already know everything there is to know about the two of you. And no, before you ask, I'm not angry at all Jungkook. In fact, I finally understand now why you pushed me away every year. Why my birth date ticks you off so much. Why we never eat at that restaurant downtown eventhough I like it so much, why you always turn off the radio when that one particular song came on. I already know everything Jungkook. And knowing why finally makes the pain I felt all this year seems better,"

Pain? How much did I hurt her by pushing her away because of Nari? Jungkook thought to himself. He was hellbent on making her stay. There is no way in hell he would ever let her go. He loves Y/N. But when Nari's name came up, everything goes out the window. All the memories and his feelings came back to him. Jungkook is just speechless.

"Y/N, you dont have to do this. I-"

"No. Stop. Listen," she raised a hand, stopping him. "I know why you two broke up. And I also know how much you suffered from losing her. How much you love her and miss her. She was your first love Jungkook. You never did get over her. You are willing to give up your dreams for that girl," she chuckles but it just sounded force to his ears. He tried to respond but nothing came out. Everything Y/N is saying is true. He never did get over Nari. He realized that now. The pain he felt on the day she left still feels fresh and he relives it again and again every year on that very day.

"And... I also know that she still loves you and would do anything to be with you again," Jungkook immediately looks up at that, a trace of hope and a glimmer of sparkle shows in his eyes, causing Y/N's heart to shatter a little bit more, but still, she continues to smile, blinking back the tears. For Jungkook's happiness, she knows this is the right thing to do. She just have to. "Everything has change now. The system is different now. There is nothing stopping the two of you to be together,"

"Wh... what are you talking about?" Jungkook was shocked by that statement. He would never in a million years expect Y/N to say that. He expected her to go hysteric, maybe gave him the cold shoulders for a few days or maybe cry her eyes out when she found out that he is still pining on Nari, but not this. "Y/N..." he looks into her eyes, no longer sparkle with laughter and happiness like she usually does. "How can I be with Nari? How can I do that to you?" You stepped closer to him, cupping his face in your hands.

"Jungkook... I know you. I can see it in your eyes how much you miss her. How much you still love her," Jungkook lowered his gaze, making her chuckle. "And the fact that you never deny even once that you still love Nari cemented that fact Jungkook," he kept quiet but his soft brown eyes are looking into hers now, his hand holding hers tight, which is still carressing his cheek.

"I'm sorry Y/N," his voice so small you almost missed it. "This was never my intention," You let out a small laugh and shakes your head.

"Dont be. You dont choose who your heart will fall in love with. And I know you will love whoever your heart chose with everything you habe Jungkook. You are just that kind of a person. It just happens that its not me,"

"Y/N..."

"Its okay," she hushed him again. She dont think she can bare it if Jungkook says another word. She can already see it in his reaction, in his eyes, how much he loves Nari. How excited he is to be with her again. "Its time for me to go now Jungkook. Nari is waiting for you," Jungkook takes a deep breath and kiss her palms before letting go. She walks towards the door but turns around when Jungkook calls out her name.

"How about you then Y/N? Are you going to be okay?"

"I'm not going to lie and say it doesnt hurt. It hurts. It hurts so much because I love you Jungkook. But it hurts me more knowing that you are happier with someone else and I'm the only reason that stops you from it. And that reason alone will help me to be okay. So I'm letting you go Jungkook," tears are racing down her cheeks as she said the words that hurts her the most to him.

She is letting go the only man she has ever love.

A part of her silently cried out, begging and pleading him to say that she is mistaken. For him to say and insist that Nari is his past and she is his future, proving her wrong. Proving to her that he is indeed very much in love with her, not Nari, but those words never came. Instead as she reached out for the door knob, he still didnt say the words she wanted to hear, making whatever left of Y/N's heart shattered completely.

"Thank you Y/N. For everything. I always thought you will be the one I will have a happy ending with," he chuckle softly.

"Dont you remember," she tries to cover up her shattered heart with a smile that just seems forced. "I never promise you a happy ending," She teased him, repeating the words the two of them said to each other years ago when he asks her to be his.

"And I never said that I wont make you cry..." he whispered, as she nodded with a smile between her tears.

"Be happy Jungkook. I will always love you,"

Jungkook flashed his bunny smile one last time before she turns around and walk out. Walking out from his life forever, leaving him to ran freely into the arms of the love of his life as her whole world crumbles down around her.

/////

Jungkook smile as he pulls Nari towards him, sticking his naked chest om her naked back, limbs tangling with one another under the sheets. Its been a week since his break up with Y/N and he went and see Nari on the same day. It turns out Nari, Taehyung and Jimin all knows what Y/N has already planned for him, asking the two boys to give him the details of Nari whereabouts once she left. Although his two hyungs dont really approve of what he is about to do, they still do what they were asked to, respecting Y/N last favor from them. He ran until he was out of breath to see Nari waiting for him, and without waiting for another second he capture his lips with hers.

Jungkook is finally happy.

At least he wants to believe he is.

"Good morning sweetheart,"

"Good morning Kookie," Nari leans in to kiss him.

"No kissing until after I brush my teeth!"

"Nope, sorry. Cant wait that long," he trapped her under his weight and kiss her senseless, grinning once they broke the kiss. "I love you Y/N. Forever and always,"

Jungkook shakes her head. Where did that thought come from? He is with Nari now. The love of his life. The girl he waited for, for so long. Why is he still thinking about Y/N? Nari's voice broke his thoughts.

"Lets go out for breakfast!" She grinned happily.

"I thought that I would make us some breakfast and we can cuddle in bed all day. I have a free day until after lunch today," Jungkook pouts, hoping Nari would understand. He wants to spend the day with her, getting to know her again.

"No way! I finally get back the man of my dreams," Jungkook beams at her statement. "The most sought after idol. I want to show him off to the world," Jungkook's face fell the moment she finish her sentence. Something about what she said doesnt sit right with him. Does Nari only wants him back because he is well known now?

"Urm okay then," he silently agree, wanting to pleased the girl of his dreams and he just doesnt want to dwell to much into it. As he tugs and adjust his mask while they were walking down the pathway his thoughts drifted back to Y/N again.

"Kookie, stop tugging on your mask! I already told you if you are not comfortable we should just stay in. You know I make a killer breakfast," she grins looking at her boyfriend who is trying hard to conceal his identity with his mask, shades and hoodie.

"No. We have been dating for years and I have never once taken you out for breakfast!" He pouts underneath the mask.

"You know I dont mind right? I already know what I'm getting into when I agreed to date you," Jungkook stops walking and turn to face her.

"But arent you upset? Dont you want people to know you have a boyfriend? Or who your boyfriend is?" She shakes her head.

"No. I dont need all that. If they know then they know. I dont need to tell the world about it. I'm already happy and lucky to have you loving me,"

"What did I do to deserve someone amazing like you? I love you Y/N. Forever and always," He took off his mask as he leaned in.

"Kookie your mas-"

"Shh. Just let me kiss my girlfriend,"

"Lets eat here!" Nari's shrill voice broke his thoughts as they stop in front of an expensive restaurant.

"For breakfast? Isnt this a little too much?" Jungkook wondered. He was imagining eggs and toast, at his favorite diner. Well, Y/N's favorite diner, maybe some additional pancakes and bacon if they are really hungry, not this... 5 star restaurant.

"Well, this restaurant suits your world star status! Take off your mask Kookie. No one will mobbed you here. They dont let common people in anyway," common people? What has gotten into his Nari? Since when does she categorized people like that?

"Afterall, cant you see how pretty I'm dressed right now?" She twirled around, showing him her expensive dress that she made Jungkook bought her on their very first date after they got together, before heading into the restaurant. Ah, no wonder she wore such a pretty dress so early in the morning. Jungkook had wondered about it too, when he saw her outfit and her overly applied makeup, but thought maybe she just likes dressing up. Y/N would just wear her sweatpants and put her hair in a messy bun when they went out for breakfast, and she still look damn beautiful too him.

God, stop thinking about her Jungkook!

"Kookie, can we go shopping after this?" Nari suddenly asks him in the middle of their extremely fancy breakfast. Not that he minded, he can afford to eat it everyday if that's what she wants but Jungkook prefer something more domestic and comfortable, just spending time with his girlfriend and not trying to figure out which fork is meant for which meal.

"Sure... but I have to go back after lunch. We have practice today,"

"Oh, can I come with?" Jungkook hesitates for a moment. Should he allow that? But looking at Nari with her pleading big eyes he has no other choice but to say yes.

"Of course you can sweetheart," he flashed her his signature smile, making Nari squeal.

"Yeay. Oh my god I have to tell ny friends. They would be so jealous to know that I'm hanging out with the Bangtan Boys later! Hey do you know if Taehyung is seeing anyone, because my friend..." The rest of the conversation melted in the background as Jungkook starts to drowned out her voice. He doesnt need to know how excited Nari's friends are or how hot they think his hyungs are. Is that the only thing that is important to her? Letting people know that she's with somebody famous?

Its only been a week, but Jungkook is starting to feel like he had made a big mistake.

Weeks turned into months and Nari is still the same. All she cares about is people seeing her with Jungkook, dining at expensive restaurants, shopping and following him to practice where she will take endless photos and live videos with his hyungs, making them extremely uncomfortable. Where was the Nari that he remembered from 5 years ago? That cares for him and love him for him and not his status as someone well known? The Nari that sacrifice her happiness for the sake of his dreams and career? Did he only built her up in his mind? Has Nari always been like this?

Those thoughts starts to cloud his mind as Nari make her way out from his dressing room for the live show. She has made it a habit to come with him backstage now. Of course she does. There are a lot of idols back here, something that seems to interest her more than her own boyfriend did. Jungkook sighed as a knock was heard from the now empty room, his hyungs has all left to go to the stage already and saw Seolmin, one of his idol sunbaemin from one of the most well known group.

"Hi hyung, what are you doing here?" Jungkook smiled at him. They have met each other countless times during performnaces before and has gotten closely acquainted, where Seolmin asks him to be casual with him.

"Hi Jungkook," he turned towards the hallway before turning back to the younger man. "Was that Nari? Song Nari?"

"Ermm yeah. You know her?" Jungkook looks confused. Weird. From what he knows Nari dont really mingle with idols and celebrities except for him. But the way Seolmin smirks gives him chills.

"Of course. She's my ex girlfriend," Jungkook was extremely shocked. Nari told him that she wasnt with anyone during the five years they were separated. He wouldnt mind, five years is a long time to be alone, but why is she lying? "Wait, dont tell me she's your girlfriend now?" Jungkook weakly nodded before Seolmin started laughing.

"Typical," he huffed.

"What do you mean hyung?"

"Dont get this the wrong way Kook. But Nari here has been known among us to latch onto the most upcoming idols. The most well known. She dated me, Junhyo, Minseol, Donghee..." the list goes on and on and on. An endless names that Jungkook recognized as extremely well known idols in the industry. "And now you. Well, probably because BTS is the latest hype right now,"

"That... that cant be true," Jungkook's voice came out as a whisper. Nari loves me right? We have history together. "We met even before I debuted, five years ago. We were together then?"

"And let me guess. She left you?" Jungkook nodded.

"Yeah... but that's because my management wouldnt let me date. She did it to make sure I achieved my dreams..." Jungkook weakly tried to explain, but to be honest, even he himself doesnt seem to believe what he's saying right now.

"That could be true Kook, and she might have changed and is sincerely in love with you right now, but you better find out the truth before you get hurt. You are a good kid, I dont want you to get hurt. You seems like you are really in love with her too," he ruffled Jungkook's hair before giving him a sad smile and turn around to exit the door. "And oh, five years ago was when we met and dated too. Before she cheated on me to latch onto another uprising idol,"

What Seolmin told him haunts him all day. Is Nari really like that? He tried not to believe it. His Nari is not like that. She loves him as much as he loves her. She sacrificed everything for him, didnt she? That is how much she loves him. But as he glanced towards the crowd and saw Nari talking to other random fans while pointing and waving at him, Jungkook starts to doubt. Is being with someone well known that important to her? Jungkook starts to think about their relationship for the past months. Their relationship consists of nothing but expensive dates, shopping trips, public announcements, videos with his hyungs. No intimate conversation, purely sex, no asking him how his day went or telling him about hers, no cuddling and talking all night long... Its true BTS is currently the most sought after group right now. Is that why Nari happily wanted him back when Y/N talked to her?

Y/N.

Jungkook sighed. He misses her. He thought about calling her a million times since the breakup. Just wanted to ask her to hangout and listen to her talk about her day, but he knows its not fair to her. He broke her heart, the least he can do is give her the space to get over him.

Get over him... to be honest, that idea left a bad taste in his mouth. Its selfish, he knows that but the thought that Y/N no longer loves him... it doesnt sit right with him.

His eyes flicked back toward Nari who is in the crowd. He's going to find out the truth. Today.

"Hey baby! You were great today. I told some of your fans that we are dating, and you should see how jealous they were of me!" Nari starts talking once she entered his room. Jungkook huffed and turns to her, eyeing her excited form up and down.

"What's wrong baby? Saw something you want?" She start to smirk as she walk forward to him seductively, mistaking the look Jungkook gave her as lust. Jungkook stops her at arm length, pushing her shoulders making her confused and startled.

"Jungkook?"

"You didnt break up with me because you care about me achieving my dreams, or my career didnt you?" Jungkook's voice is low and cold. He decides that he is going to give her the benefit of the doubt. He is going to give her the chance to say no.

"Wh..what?" Her voice starts to shake, eyes starts to look everywhere but into his.

"Five years ago. When we broke up when I was about to debut. Did you or did you not break up with me because you are cheating on me?" Jungkook knows he doesnt have a solid proof. If Nari denies this, then he will believe her, but the fear in her eyes and the shaking of her voice is starting to prove to him otherwise.

"I...I..." Nari cleared her throat to regain some strength. "What are you talking about?" She said confidently but its a little too late now. Jungkook smirked.

"I had a little talk with Seolmin hyung today," was all Jungkook need to say before her face contorted into pure horror at the mentioned of the name.

At her reaction, Jungkook's whole body is radiating with anger. How could she do this to him? He thinks about her every day for the past five years, but everything he thought he knew is a lie! She cheated. She actually cheated! She never really did love him did she?

"Kookie, I... I," she avoided his gaze as she failed to find the right words to say to ease his anger.

"You cheated on me.... You. Cheated. On. Me!" He yelled, making Nari jumped. "You left me because you wanted to go to someone else. Someone who is more successful than me. Someone you can gain more popularity, money and status, didnt you?" He ran his hand through his face and hair in frustration. "Me being an idol is just an excuse for you to break up with me! I love you Nari. I never stop loving you even when we were apart for five years," his voice shakes as he starts to feel the tears of anger and frustration coming out on the last sentence. "I wasted my time waiting for you. I wasted my feelings thinking about you. Pining over memories of us that is not even true! I hurt Y/N multiple times because of you!" He is screaming now, making Nari's whole body shakes in fear as he moved backwards to get away from him. "Y/N...God Y/N..." he raised his anger filled eyes to stare into hers, giving her chills right to the bones. "Did you know that never once have I celebrate her birthday with her because it falls on the same say you left me?! I shut myself out from the world every time when I remembered you. Remember what we could have been. That's how much I love you!" He swing his arms all around. "I never take her to her favorite restaurant because we had our first date there and turn off the radio when her favorite song came on because its too painful, because it reminds me of you!" Jungkook points one shaky finger towards her. "But you... you are just using me,"

Jungkook cant contained his anger any longer. The girl he worship all his life is nothing but a lie. She never love him. Not even a bit. "I... I broke up with Y/N because of you..." his shoulders shakes, trying to hold back his sadness as he remembers Y/N.

What have I done to us baby?

"Dont blame me if you are a shitty boyfriend to her. She was your girlfriend for five years. Its not my fault that she cant make you love her!" Nari tried to defend herself but badmouthing is an extremely wrong move as it only sets off Jungkook even more.

"Get out," he released a low growled.

"Kookie, please. We can start over. I-"

"Get out. There's no way in hell I would ever want to be with you again. I dont ever want to see your face or hear your name ever again. Get out now before I do something that both of us will regret," Nari blinks back in fear at his voice, and with tears starting to rolled down her cheeks she gathered her things and left the dorm, leaving an angry Jungkook alone with his thoughts in the middle of the room.

It took him a while before he comes to his senses and calm down. The moment Nari left the room he immediately fished out his phone and start replaying videos of him and Y/N that he never deleted. Their memories together is too precious for him to delete, even if he did end up with Nari. The videos helps to calm him down. Y/N's smile and laughter, her silly dance and corny jokes, he miss them all. All the selfless things she do to ensure his happiness. How he can always count on her to calm him down when he is stressed out from work, how he can always talk to her about his troubles. The passionate nights they spend together underneath her sheets. Jungkook closes his eyes. They had spend five years of good times together, why did he ever think the memory of Nari would be better suited for him? He should have fought for Y/N. He should have told her she's ridiculous. The he loves her and not Nari. He should have never neglected her, hurt her, just to chase the memory of Nari.

He quickly gets up and grab his jacket, with only one destination is mind when he came to a stop in front of Jimin's room as his two hyungs were having a deep conversation.

"Y/N called me two days ago before she left,"

Wait, Y/N? His Y/N? She left? Leave to where? Jungkook hides himself from his two hyungs, trying to hear more of the conversation.

"You didnt stop her Chim?"

"I tried Tae, but she has set up her mind. But something she said makes me feel so bad for her. I feel like killing Jungkook for hurting her like that. She has such a beautiful heart. She doesnt deserve to suffer because of that stupid boy," Jimin sighed. "If only she had chosen me to fall in love with... I would have taken care of her," Jungkook felt his heart clenched with both hurt and jealousy. He hates the fact that he hurt Y/N when all she ever do for the last five years they have been together is loving him and doing anything to make him happy. And he didnt know Jimin felt that way. That just... scares him. Y/N could not possibly fell in love with one of his hyungs right? She couldnt right? She loves him.

"What is it? What did she say?"

"I asks her if she's really okay. She let out a laugh that sounded so sad it broke my heart," Jimin trailed off. "She said she will be fine if it means Jungkook is happy now. She hates thinking that she cant make him happy like Nari does, but the look on his face when she said she's letting him go to Nari just broke her. She hates herself for feeling the way she did. For hoping that Jungkook would laugh off her suggestion and calls her carzy, for Jungkook to say Nari is his past and he doesnt love her anymore," Jimin raised his eyes to meet Taehyung's. "But those words never came. Instead you know what that stupid maknae did? He thanked her and smile. Absolutely looking forward to see Nari again. At during that exact moment is when Y/N said she decides to really let Jungkook go,"

Let him go? Please tell me you still love me Y/N. Jungkook clutched his chest The pain he is feeling is starting to be unbearable.

"She said now she understands why Jungkook is always cold with her eventhough they have been together for five years. She finally realized that Jungkook never did love her. No matter what she did, Jungkook's love is always for Nari,"

"Wow..." Taehyung sighed, eyes sad. Sad for Y/N's broken heart. "That's-"

"That's not true!" Jungkook suddenly burst into the room, interrupting the conversation, hair looking disheveled, as if he has been running his hands through it a million times, eyes glazed with unshed tears.

"Jungkook?"

"That's not true hyung. I love her. I love Y/N. She is the best thing that could have happened to me and I lost her because I realized it too late," he plopped down on the floor. Taehyung and Jimin looked at each other, not knowing what to do with the distress maknae on the floor. "I want her back hyung. Please tell me she will come back. I have lost her havent I?" He wailed making Taehyung chuckle.

"Were you earsdropping Kookie?" Jimin looks at him with disapproving eyes but Jungkook didnt care.

"You are seriously so stupid Kookie,"

"Yeah and stop crying. You look ugly when you cry. The tears doesnt fit your muscle," Jimin continue to tease the maknae. Jungkook looks up to his two laughing hyung, confused as ever. How can they laugh right now? Cant they see how broken he is?

"Oh my god," Taehyung rolled his eyes. "You look like a lost puppy. You are really whipped for Y/N arent you?"

"Its about time. Hope he stops being so stupid after this,"

"Yah idiot. Stop being so sad. Y/N only went for a long ass vacation to clear her mind. She will be back soon," A smile instantly graced Jungkook's face. He can feel a huge weight has been lifted. Y/N is coming back! She didnt leave him!

"Wipe that stupid smile of your face," Taehyung glared at him. "It still doesnt mean she will take you back you idiot. You hurt her for five years, and you happily agreed to leave her for some other girl. Even I wouldnt forgive you if I am her,"

"That's true Kook. What you did is kinda shitty," Jimin immediately agreed. "But wait, what about Nari? You cant just break things off with her,"

"I already did..."

"What?!" Two pairs of eyes turned wide at his confession. "You think love is a game? Something you can take lightly? Chase after it when you wanted it and throw away when you dont? Did you know how much Y/N suffered because of he-"

"I do!" He cut his hyung off. "I do know how much she suffered because of Nari, because of me..."Jungkook nibbled his lips as he turned his gaze downwards. His hyungs were right. Would Y/N even forgive him? "But I have realized that Nari is not the girl I have build her up to be. Every memory I had with her is a lie. Y/N... she's the one for me. She's the one who makes me happy. I miss her everyday when I'm not with her. I... I am absolutely head over heels in love with her hyung," Jungkook's confession silenced the two older boys who look at each other, dumbfounded, silently asking the other what the hell had happened between Jungkook and Nari, but they decide that would be a question for another day.

Jungkook stood up and held both their hands in his. "I will win her back hyung. She loves me. I know she does. And I will show her how much I love her. I will never miss to celebrate her birthday this time. Hell, I will celebrate it for one whole year if it means she will smile again. I will let her listen to her favorite song on repeat, take her to her favorite restaurant anytime she wants. I'm no longer haunted by the memory of Nari and I'm going to prove it to her," his eyes turns soft all of a sudden. "All I want is Y/N,"

"Well, you have about a month to think how to get her back then,"

/////

Jungkook chuckles as he watches the video on his phone. The videos of Y/N in his phone is the only saving grace he has to keep him strong for the past weeks as he waits for Y/N's returns. Jimin told him that Y/N has disconnect her phone for an absolute peace of mind, not wanting anyone to get a hold of her. That is how hard she's trying to get over Jungkook. But Jimin also lets him know when she's coming back and he's been waiting for that day for weeks now.

And that day is finally here.

Y/N is coming back today.

He watch the videos again as he leaned his head on the glass window of the van, his manager taking him and his two hyungs who are asleep on each other's shoulders at the back seat to the airport. He is going to wait for her arrival. He's going to surprise her. Jungkook realized he never once spoken to her since their breakup, but he dont need to. He will use the rest of his life in making sure that Y/N knows how much he loves her, wants her, and regret what he did for the last five years.

"Do you love me?" Jungkook hears him asks her in the video playing on his phone, the screen showing her beautiful giggling face.

"How can you ask that? Its impossible not too," she giggle before running off alongside the beach.

"Hey, wait for me. I need my kiss!" The video shakes as he ran and it ends with Y/N giving the screen a kiss, making Jungkook smile.

The next video shows Y/N's sleepy face, grumpy for being woken up too early in the morning.

"Kookie, let me sleep," she whined into the video. "Why are recording me so early in the morning?"

"Because you look beautiful. I want to keep this forever. And I'm bored. Wake up baby," he laughs in the video as Y/N tries to hide her face with the blanket.

The video starts to play the next one, where they were running around in the kitchen, flour all over Y/N's face as he heard himself laughing and the camera shakes.

"Kookie, stop! I'm trying to make you breakfast!"

"I know. But the flour looks better on your face," he giggled. "I love you Y/N," the camera shifted angle to show him leaning in to kiss her. He must have placed it on the counter.

"I love you too Jeon Jungkook. Forever and always. Dont you even dare to break my heart," she poke his nose, making flour stick to it as she laughs.

Jungkook smile, feeling tears are starting to pool at the corner of his eyes. I'm sorry I broke my promise. I'm sorry for breaking your heart baby. He misses her so much. He wants all of this again. He wants to wake up beside her again. Cooking breakfast together, cuddling all day long.

He wants Y/N back in his arms.

Jungkook arrived at the airport ealier than expected, a bouquet of sunflowers in his hand, Y/N's favorite flowers. When all the other girls will usually prefer roses, his girlfriend of course have a unique taste.

His girlfriend.

Jungkook really hopes she is willing to hold that title again. He really dont know what to do if she didnt. He swears to be different now. He will make her happy. He will shower her with everything she deserves. He will love her like she has never been love before. That is if Y/N still wants to take him back. Jungkook sigh, fear creeping in his mind. What if Y/N hates him now? What if the vacation is successful and she really did get over him? He did ran back to his ex girlfriend the moment she gave the okay. He smacked his head. What an idiot.

Jungkook shudders as he remembers the last word he says to her, which is months ago.

"And I never said that I wont make you cry..."

He is really an idiot. He really is. How can that be his parting word? If Y/N ever take him back, he swear he will say it to her every single day that he wont ever let her cry ever again. Noy a single tear will grace her eyes. How can he ever say that to her? How can Y/N still accept an idiot like him in the first place?

He paced around the waiting area, anxious and excited both at the same time. Trying to ease his mind, he watches the airport TV which is currently showing some K drama. A few minutes into the show, the program was cut to make way for a breaking news.

"Breaking News: Flight XXXXX bound to Seoul which is expected to arrive today at 1800 was reported to have crash. There were no survivors reported so far. Stay with us for more updates. We wish our sincere condelences to the friends and family of the victin of this tragedy"

Jungkook felt his world spin as he drop the flowers on the ground, losing all strength and collapse on the carpeted floor.

"Hyung... that's..."

"Y/N's flight," Taehyung finishes as he too collapsed on the ground next to Jungkook.

The gasps and cries from people who are also waiting for the same flight around him seems so far away as he can only hear a blinding sound in his ears. Flight XXXXX.

Y/N. Please God no.

Plesse dont take Y/N away from me.

"It cant be her. It cant be right hyung?" Jungkook is hysterical as he turns to both Jimin and Taehyung who is holding him, tears also evident in their eyes. The two kept quiet, not knowing what to say as they too cant believe the news. "It cant be her! It cant be!" Jungkook is yelling through his tears.

"Kookie, calm down. We still dont kn-"

"It cant be her hyung," he wailed. "I need to tell her I was wrong. I need to tell her I'm sorry. I need her to know that I'm happiest when I'm with her, not with someone else. I... I need to tell her I love her. She has to hear me say I love her. She have to, she have to!" Jungkook's cries starts to get weaker as he continue to weeped and wailed on the floor. Taehyung and Jimin engulfed him in a tight hug, both crying just as much as Jungkook himself.

"You didnt get to hear me say that I will love you forever too. I never get to promise you that I wont ever make you cry again. You boarded that plane because you need to get away from me. Me! Your stupid idiotic boyfriend! I'm.. I'm sorry baby. I'm so so sorry baby. I guess you meant what you said... we were not meant for a happy ending. Goodbye my love, goodbye Y/N," Jungkook's voice is muffled by Taehyung's shoulders as he hold them tight, making the other two cry louder at what the maknae is saying.

Memories of their last encounter starts to flood his mind. The way the tears stream down her face as she flashed him one last smile. Jungkook felt his heart break, shattered, ruined to tiny pieces with regret as his last words to her keeps replaying in his mind.

"I never promise you a happy ending, remember?"

"And I never said that I wont make you cry..." he whispered.

"Be happy Jungkook. I will always love you,"

A/N: Andddddd, for those who dont like sad endings, I did say in the announcement that there were no survivors so far. Do you think Y/N survived? Or could she have changed her flight and not boarded the said flight at all? I will leave it to you to decide 😘 Tell me what you think!

[iskabernardo]

my identity is in Christ

If you know me, I am the biggest skeptic you'll ever meet. Skepticism is my bestfriend. It somehow brings me to the right path, away from all the product of my immature decisions called disappointments. Im my eighteen years of living, towers of question marks devoured me entirely. Living in the hypocrisy and careless lifestyle, i didn't notice I am already away from home.

I'm drowned in my own conclusions. With my both hands, I let go of you and doubted your existence, were you the one who created us or we are the creator?

After searching for proofs from science books and some atheistic statements from the net, i became numb. I thought it would help me but it backfire to me instead. The answers I've been searching for is looking at me all this time.

Thank you for loving me whole even at times I dont acknowledge you, even at times i denied I can feel it.

Sorry for being a sinner and I will sin more but being lost is something i am not now. Even you are still a mystery to me, with all your humbleness and greatness, the origin of all things, the one who can move mountains and stop the raging ocean, i believe in you.

In the darkest days of my life, i let my faith illuminated my path, my choice. Being lost is something we always find a way back home.

You are not a conspiracy. You are not somebody else's theory. You are not an illusion. You are real. You are God.

My heart feels that now.

[somnilogical]

ratheka: unjustly banned somni to preempt protest of their unjust banning of emma, which is unjust

emma was protesting cfar instructor davis tower kingsley. this davis tower kingsley:

<<memento mori: Masturbation is considered grave matter, so if someone masturbates with full knowledge that this is wrong and deliberately consents to it then yes, this is a mortal sin, and if they do not repent of it then yes, they will go to hell.>>

<<dirk: like… “only unrepentant sinners go to hell” is not comforting to unrepentant sinners

TowerNumberNine: it is certainly comforting relative to the doctrine of “homosexuals are damned and cursed and cannot possibly repent” which many have sadly encountered>>

and more here: https://everythingtosaveit.how/#davis-tower-kingsley and there is much more than is even written there which those in possession of akashic records or discord logs may give an account of.

i will not repent and submit to pope anna salamon kingsley.

kingsley is in no way a warrior for social justice. yes they are an instructor at “the center for applied rationality”, no there is not some unintuitive deeply wise reason for this. its just what cfar is at this point. “taxing transfems for existing and transferring resources to cisfems” is talking about something zack davis said.

transcript of emma and kingsley: https://0bin.net/paste/teXP7x-IJot61kro#0ZAkytrL7DWmMM8HRFdgdgGS4vV6d7aifuR9Kf8sqkX

[A/N: i didnt say anything this entire time, then found emma and somni were banned, then later found i was unbanned and so was emma. kingsley was also banned.]

somni talks with ratheka:

#discourse-and-debate

[10:56] 𒀭 💮: @Ratheka for what just reason did you ban me from this server?

[11:03] 𒀭 💮: what did i do?

i think you should hand in your badge and gun, resign from the force. as far as i can tell, there was no just cause for this aggression.

[11:05] LeoTal: Er, sorry, are you ban-evading? Or do you mean "banned and just unbanned"?

[11:10] 𒀭 💮: i do not wish to speak with you, answer your questions, or sign or hand you any documents based on my 5th amendment rights under the united states constitution.

i choose to exercise my constitutional rights.

[11:12] Ratheka: In expectation of having exactly this argument, s/me/emma

[11:12] 𒀭 💮: in expectation of me protesting being unjustly banned, you unjustly banned me?

[11:12] 𒀭 💮: that makes no sense

[11:12] Ratheka: This is not the united states, the constitution does not in fact bind leo, who afaik doesn't even live in the states

[11:13] deluks917: Somni you got unbanned. The moderators made a mistake and we corrected it reasonably quickly.

[11:13] 𒀭 💮: would you violate my 5th amendment rights?

[11:13] Ratheka: You can choose not to talk to him, but that's not the same as exercising the fifth.  It's the first; speech and association

[11:13] LeoTal: I was just trying to clarify in case I misunderstood the meaning. Sorry for shitstirring, shutting up now.

[11:13] deluks917: Please let this go

[11:14] 𒀭 💮: why was i banned?

[11:16] conifer: why was somni banned, i'd like to know that too?

[11:20] deluks917: Ratheka predicted Somni would get angry because Emma was banned and post disruptive things. This is not (imo) a good reason to ban someone even if Emma's ban was justified (imo it was not). Given this Somni was unbanned in about a day.

[11:21] deluks917: Idk what you really want us to do here. We already reversed the bans.

[11:23] 𒀭 💮: ratheka predicted correctly that i would object to an unjust banning of emma. destroying opposition so they cannot protest your poor decisions is wrong.

i want justice, i want ratheka's ability to ban people removed from them. i want them to hand in their badge and gun and resign from the force.

[11:24] 𒀭 💮: if people's ability to ban others is not affected by abuse of power for unjust ends, there is no check on abuse of power. there is no differential incentive between banning justly and banning unjustly.

and you get people like ratheka who ban people in anticipation of their opposition to unjust rulings.

[11:28] 𒀭 💮: saying that things are fine because other humans corrected ratheka's mistake and why are you worrying about stuff is wrong.

i want things to be such that if ratheka knew what would happen downstream of unjustly banning someone and then banning any vocal opposition to their choice, that they would not unjustly ban someone in the first place.

[11:38] 𒀭 💮: otherwise you are as moral as a police force at each step pays some restitution to compensate for a cop who unjustly destroy peoples property, but never fires them for their unjust behaviour. encourages people to work around those who wish to do unjust things and then neutralize anyone who they think might protest against their immoral actions. as some sort of missing stair. http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html (its unrepresentative that the cops would pay restitution.)

"oh thats just ratheka, sometimes they ban people and then ban people they expect to oppose their ban, you just have to work around them. yeah they can still ban people."

you could say this is silly and the scope of this problem is small and why do you care? but

1 if the scope of this is small does that not apply evenly to all things, would not the scope of removing ratheka's ability to ban people also be small?

2 its important to work things out algorithmically at all scales, so you get things right. the problem of choice in getting things right when theres different amounts of utility at stake, for the same thing, is equivalent. getting the trolly problem right is the same choice whether it deals with the lives of 6 people or 6000000000 people. https://somnilogical.tumblr.com/post/174174621274/wetradelives-felt-mildly-bad-about-my-url

[11:48] 𒀭 💮: the unjust silencing of dissent against authoritarianism, is wrong. then silencing people expected to dissent to the unjust silencing of dissent against authoritarianism is 2x wrong.

my mom grew up in uruguay, her parents were political dissidents, they were put in jail for 6 days and warned that the next time they would be jailed for 6 years. both anyone who dissented and anyone who spoke up for those who dissented risked getting disappeared. they left uruguay, immigrated to america and now she writes books and papers on the regime's gaslighting.

it was unjust when this happened on the scale of a country, it is unjust when this happens on the scale of a discord server.

[11:51] 𒀭 💮: there was no just cause for what ratheka did, but there can be justice for things done for no just cause.

[11:52] purrtrandrussell: I think you have a point, somni, but I'd rather give Ratheka another chance. I think she's learned from her mistake.

[11:52] deluks917: I agree Somni has a point.

[11:52] purrtrandrussell: like if this became a pattern it would be really bad

[11:52] purrtrandrussell: but first offense and all

[11:54] purrtrandrussell: Pragmatically, distributing the amount of work between mods is pretty valuable, given all of us have stuff to do, not a ton of time, etc. and I don't really want to increase the total labor load per person on something I expect to be a one-off thing

[11:57] 𒀭 💮: i dont. ratheka didnt articulate why what they did was unjust.

when i said that i held by the 5th amendment they were like "that doesnt apply here" rather than like respect the rights i asserted.

which is a thing ive encountered with other people who then tried to find other ways to violate my rights.

aaa its kind of absurd that a small discord server is too big to fail??? like justice should come first in logical time (the order in which logical structure in a venacular sense "principles" are considered) and then you find new mods downstream of this instead of flipped around.

[11:58] 𒀭 💮: like, i think you could find one person here to take on this workload in ratheka's stead.

[11:59] purrtrandrussell: So, if you look at what Ratheka said, she didn't dispute that you had a right to not talk to leo if you didn't want to, she was nitpicking about whether or not this qualified as a fifth amendment thing

[11:59] purrtrandrussell: "You can choose not to talk to him, but that's not the same as exercising the fifth.  It's the first; speech and association"

[11:59] Ratheka: So:

Somni, I specifically and without pushing from anyone save you, just now, honestly apologize to you. I agree that my actions were unjust. I stated my belief as such shortly after I took it, and presented to argument to reversing it.  Yes, I fucked up, and I am, in fact, regretful. I did not think that an apology would provide you with any satisfaction, so I did not offer it, but I do in fact intend to do better in future.

The fifth amendment is the right to refuse to answer questions when talking to agents of the government so that you do not incriminate yourself.

[12:00] 𒀭 💮: why was what you did unjust?

[12:01] Ratheka: Because I was trying to reduce the amount of attention I needed to pay, and vexation suffer, by exercising power in a way that had not been justified by your actions taken in this case.

[12:09] 𒀭 💮: thats not really why, nor does it differentiate between what you did to me and what you did to emma. one is doing a wrong thing and another is a marginal act made to cover up that you did a wrong thing.

you did not just act out of akrasia, you also engaged in a coverup.

i dont believe you and expect this will happen again, good-harting over repeating this exact scenario the way that slavery is banned, but immigrant "farmworkers" are treated as "not technically, legally, slaves" but are slaves with ICE acting as slavehunters.

i do not accept this apology, expected low probability that i would a priori, but there is always some chance for this to be wrong.

[12:10] 𒀭 💮: like fuck you didnt act out of "akrasia" i just imported the lie you presented. what you said is a lie.

[12:10] Ratheka: 'akrasia'?

[12:10] Ratheka: I know the word

[12:10] Ratheka: I want to know where I claimed it.

[12:11] 𒀭 💮: "I was trying to reduce the amount of attention I needed to pay, and vexation suffer" this is a lie

[12:12] 𒀭 💮: you were not overburdened with things and then doing stuff out of your attention being overwhelmed or lack of willpower or laziness

[12:12] 𒀭 💮: people who say they silenced people because "they didnt want to deal with hassel, its too much work, you are causing too much disruption" are usually lying

[12:13] Ratheka:

you were not overburdened with things and then doing stuff out of your attention being overwhelmed

How would you know what my burden is?

I sought to avoid having my attention pulled into a discussion congruent if not isomorphic to this one, about emma.

[12:13] 𒀭 💮: because you are still, now, at every step resisting justice. saying that you didnt say the word "akrasia" when this is an accurate descriptor of the thing you said.

[12:14] 𒀭 💮: you claimed a failure of willpower due to being overwhelmed. i disbelieve this.

[12:15] Ratheka: I disagree.

Further, as I am in fact burdened, and have stuff to do that I think is likely to yield higher value for anyone than me being in this conversation, I am stepping away from it. Should the other mods feel I need to step down, I will. I would recommend not extensively harassing them about this? But in the end the choice of actions to take from here is yours.

[12:16] 𒀭 💮: i can see into you ratheka

your words are as empty as your soul

[12:17] 𒀭 💮: you are saying "i cant prove your motive" you are saying that your "injustice" was simply weakness of will. you are trying to divert blame at every step.

[12:18] deluks917: Also looks like the answer to 'Idk what you really want us to do here.' is demod Ratheka.

[12:21] 𒀭 💮: you have not admitted to any logical structure of injustice. i claim there was an algorithm that output this. and the algorithm was not "sometimes i get overwhelmed and i randomly decided to ban somni and emma"

you banned emma unjustly and then you banned somni unjustly to cover up what you did. this isnt accounted for by being "overwhelmed" this is a distinct unjust algorithm.

[12:21] purrtrandrussell: Somni, I do think you have a point, but please refrain from personal insults ("your words are as empty as your soul")

[12:23] 𒀭 💮: one which you have not acknowledged and expect will not repeal.

if you think i have a point, then why not de-mod ratheka and mod someone who doesnt do this stuff? who doesnt at each step try and destroy knowledge of injustice, tries to blur it all into a weakness of will when trying to cover up the unjust things you have done is not weakness of will or being overwhelmed.

[12:25] 𒀭 💮: like? i was banned because ratheka tried to cover up their unjust acts against protest. not because ratheka did some random act while overwhelmed!

[12:27] 𒀭 💮: ratheka is not acknowledging this stuff as wrong.

[12:27] purrtrandrussell: I think you have a point, I just disagree that this is worth de-moding over, there's a general principle I want to follow about not punishing on the first offense. (I also don't think banning Emma was particularly egregious, I do think she stepped out of line, it was a judgement call, and while I think that temp-muting would have  been better and believe reversing the ban was just, I don't consider banning to be especially poor judgement)

[12:28] purrtrandrussell: (also I should get back to work myself, so, this is gonna be an asynchronous conversation on my end)

[12:28] 𒀭 💮: i think it was especially unjust. do you think ratheka banning me was especially unjust?

[12:28] 𒀭 💮: ratheka expects you to cover for them, does not want to directly engage with me.

[13:05] 𒀭 💮: LeoTal accused me of committing a crime in local law.

<<The Fifth Amendment dealing with a person's right against self-incrimination, which applies not only when they're on the witness stand in court but in any context. Citizens have the right not to speak to the police and say things that might incriminate themselves.>>

it was entirely appropriate to invoke the 5th when someone acts like a cop and you do not want to talk with them.

[13:07] 𒀭 💮:

[13:07] 𒀭 💮: https://theievoice.com/red-cards-and-constitutional-rights/

[13:10] 𒀭 💮: in a counterfactual world in which this were not true, this cards that civil liberties advocates distributed to people would be printed in error.

and i would want to immediately inform them of this.

i dont think they were actually printed in error, except the error in thinking that the cops respond to the law.

so what i said about the 5th amendment was correct. even though the internet is not america, i will still invoke american ideals i agree with. will still reference life liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

[13:22] 𒀭 💮: "except in cases where it infringes on others", or equivalently, "for all". which runs closure on the operation in a similar way that the logical closure of "dont kill a person" during triage or in a trolly problem situation involves things which are locally killing one person to save five others.

which is a logical propagation of "dont kill a person" even though a subset of the pattern "killing one person" (to save five) contradicts the base case "dont kill a person" you extrapolate from.

its possible to perform this operation. the united states as it is currently, is not doing this. no state is.

[13:23] 𒀭 💮: (the us also has never done this in its entire history)

[14:11] 𒀭 💮: so this was correct and ratheka attempted to erode my ability to assert this right. "it could have been different" if the comment was made as an orphaned optimization process. or if say emma was saying it to me id on priors i would expect differently.

but rathekas orientation during this was to erode my ability to discern and resist injustice. their only defense is an expectation of keeping schelling reach high, retreating to a claim / attempted social agreement that you 'cant prove intent'. but i can prove intent, its not some separate special section of reality where inferences no longer apply. its made of atoms like everything else.

when someone being arrested shoots themselves several times in the back of the head, cops will say that you cant prove this. [A/N: should be something like "cant prove they didnt do this"] but actually i can form accurate beliefs about this without camera footage. and if you rely on damaging your epistemics and existing with people under a social agreement that intent cant be proved past a certain point. then someone from a culture with much higher schelling reach or who has practiced inference to a finer degree can come in and see into your soul.

just like people from cultures with higher schelling reach than police departments can see through their lies. similarly with most government agencies like ICE and customs and border patrol.

[14:12] 𒀭 💮: <<Congressional representatives, such as Rep. Pramila Jayapal, D-Wash., have taken notice, NPR reported. After John Ghazvinian, am Iranian-born US citizen, was detained and asked “how I feel about the situation with Iran,” Jayapal accused CPB of “playing semantics.”

“It was very lengthy screening with no ability to leave. So whether you want to call that detention or something else is up to you. But the core fact of the matter remains,” Jayapal said. “This seemed to be a directive to pull aside anybody of Iranian American descent.”>>

https://medium.com/citizen-truth/cbp-appears-to-have-lied-in-leaked-memo-directed-staff-to-detain-travelers-with-iranian-links-bb0e9d555f71

customs and border patrol expected collusion from other government agencies on how 'their statement was correct because holding iranian americans for having iranian heritage for hours and questioning them on their loyalty to america isnt "detention"'. ratheka is doing a similar kind of playing semantics when they are like 'i never said the word "akrasia"' even though this is an accurate summary of the motive they claimed and they didnt dispute this. just at each step trying to find some way to muck things up. same with the 5th amendment thing when they knew what right i was asserting, wanted to tear that down, and it happens in this world i was also semantically (aka with low schelling reach) right and they were semantically wrong. and asserting this right is correct when questioned as i was questioned. whether that was the case or not is irrelevant to the larger problem of iteratively trying to erode what things you can communicate so you cant communicate precise information about the unjust algorithms ratheka was implementing.

[14:12] 𒀭 💮: ratheka attempts the same erasure of ability to communicate more nuanced things by attributing their deliberate cover up to some generic failure of will, which does not encode the algorithm which was unjust. it only encodes that having a failure of will when its not warranted is wrong. which is intentionally generic and isnt actionable criticism.

--

#meta

[11:10] LeoTal: User @𒀭 💮 appears to be making trouble of some kind in #discourse-and-debate and a @General moderator should probably take a look at that

[11:57] purrtrandrussell: I wouldn't characterize her actions as making trouble. She's just expressing her concerns about the moderation and making requests as to the governance of the server.

[12:01] LeoTal: Someone is in fact taking a look at that and I am satisfied

[12:34] 𒀭 💮: the answer to "why was i banned?" was "i was banned by @Ratheka to cover up their unjust banning of @emma., preemptively, because they expected me to protest this unjust banning."

this is wrong. ratheka has not acknowledged why covering up injustice in this way is wrong. a just response to this is to remove ratheka's ability to ban people before they engage in another cover-up of unjust activities.

[12:36] 𒀭 💮: it was wrong pre-emptively and it would still be wrong post-emptively.

[12:46] conifer:

>But it would have been reasonable to at least stick around a few days to see if the ban gets reversed.

It could be reasonable, sure, but it's also reasonable not to? There's value in leaving promptly and returning iff things are fixed. It demonstrates willingness to use Exit. It's less fakeable than "well, i will leave the server if xyz not fixed", which risks forgetting, or people not believing you, etc.

It does come at the cost that you're not present in the meantime to argue your points

[12:57] 𒀭 💮: every injustice will be accounted for by the end. when every hair is numbered like every grain of sand. debts will be settled, scales will be balanced, the veil between the living and the dead will be torn down.

karma, like all mathematical principles, does not forget and will not forgive any error.

--

i agree that immediate exodus of all people with a just orientation who expect subjunctive dependence and who are not currently operating as spies (real spies, not "inner emmigrants" https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inner_emigration) in protest of injustice is good praxis.

all those who left in protest of an obvious injustice acted well. do not support people following a policy of "waiting around" for some organization in expectation that it will do a just thing. rather than notice that there is no response and then kind of sort of forget it because "it was in the past, whats done is done, what are you making such a big fuss about? it isnt appropriate to be causing so much trouble" as is the default course.

an organization which protects the ability of a mod who bans people for no just reason, only to cover up dissent, is not one to extend this sort of uncertainty or "benefit of the doubt" that they will work any differently than default.

[A/N: kingsley remained banned]

[semi-imaginary-place]

fe3h blogging 3 because i have no self control

wah. I don’t want to start BL because that would mean leaving Edelgard and Claude. I don’t care about dimirti as much. part 1 dimitri is so earnest though

i think blue lions was written first. 1 the two monthly missions that have to do with students’ families are both in BL (Ashe and Sylvain). I didn’t notice this at first because for some reason I got it into my head that one of them was in the black eagles and so i thought every house would have a “welp and now we kill  your [insert family member]”. 2 two fairly important side characters at the monastery are related to BL students (Annette and Mercedes). Chapter 3 actually provides a intro for all the lords in their respective routes. Edelgard’s scene is serious but not especially sad, instead you can feel te fire burning within Edlegard and the scene shows how she’s willing to sacrifice the lives of those under her if she believes she is doing the right thing. Claude’s is actually quite light hearted in tone after the first few lines and it highlights the mystery surrounding him and makes him seem very sketchy. Chapter 3 in Blue Lions though is really sad. Ashe my baby boy. Here there is a sense of tragedy in the post battle scene.

My opinion of Gillbert slowly plummets as my opinion of Annette continues to rise. I mean absentee emotionally distant father? He doesn’t deserve Annette and her mom. Ok during Dimitri and Annettes C support about how being siblings would be nice, I’m like ummmmm you two are less than half a year apart. Annette is just small not young. its actually off putting to see Sylvain act like a decent person in Dedue’s supports. Underneath all that philandering and shitting on women, he’s actually a good dude and pretty smart, but wow I want to hit him sometimes. wow Felix is actually nice* to Annette. *well nicer anyways. He’s not mean to her. the “fight” Annette and Mercedes have in their B support is so stupid and now I need to get to the timeskip for it to resolve? wow.

I think Dedue like trauma latched (is that a thing???? I should go look up ptsd sometime) on to Dimitri. Like found the first person that showed a bit of kindness for him and clamped down. He sees himself as a tool of Dimitri, his entire existence is for the sake of another person. He hates Faergus for what it has done to Duscur but instead of helping to enact meaningful resistance against Faergus, he latched on to the first person that didn’t treat Duscur like scum. That’s not rational. Come to think of it everyone in blue lions need therapy like more so than the other houses (who could also use some)

And here I thought Sylvain was the one with self-worth problems, turns out Dimitri’s a part of the gang too. Its like he can’t see any good parts of himself. He is very earnest and straightforward. Also “you didn’t appear to be suppressing you emotions” huh really. not a topic you’re familiar with yourself Dimitri? Can’t remember if I’ve said this or not but why is Dimitri the only one to have a modified armored uniform.

Edelgard: tower, fortune, emperor. Linhardt: hermit. Mercedes: high priestess, strength. Ashe: star. Dimitri: moon, justice, devil?. Claude: sun, hermit?. Seteth: hierophant. Felix: chariot, emperor. Lysithea: magician. Flayn: lovers, priestess. Manuela: empress. Marianne: fortune, priestess, sun? death?. Ingrid: Emperor?. Bernadetta: hermit, moon. Dorothea: lovers, empress. Ignatz: hanged man. Caspar: justice, chariot

Ashe is such a good boy TT^TT

I always thought it hilarious that Lonato got Catherine’s name wrong, but no there was more to it than that.

Also I don’t get why Annette or her mom couldn’t just go to Garreg Mach. She didn’t need an excuse to visit a place, its not like you need a visa to enter. The school of sorcery and then officers academy sounds like such a roundabout way of doing things

I wonder what name Claude ascends the throne under. He likely only took up the name von Riegan upon entering Fodlan and probably used his father's family name before that. I wonder if Claude has an Almyran given name. If he tried to claim the throne under the name Claude von Riegan it’d kinda be an insult like spitting in the face of his people and that wouldn't gain him any favor in Almyra. But would he go under a fully Almyran name? He would be a more popular king showing himself as one of the people. However, I imagine that he'd keep the name Claude. Maybe he grew up with his parents calling him that maybe its important to him now that he's lived under it for ~7 formative years of his life. Coming to fodlan marked the beginning of claude carrying out his plan's to achieve his dream. Its also a period where he is devoid of his parent's guidance and presence. I'd also just say 16-23 is a pretty important period of identity building in a person's life. Its under the name claude that he finds people he wants to walk down this path with. Its an acknowledgement of both sides of his heritage. I wonder if his choice would be different in a non Verdant Wind route.

What if timelines get mixed up and 23 year old felix gets sent to right before glenn dies.  23 yo felix get teleported to an alternate universe or something and meets 13 yo felix. Felix angsts that glenn seems so young and how he's now older than him, maybe yells at his dad a bit and has a chat with 13yo felix.And then idk gets teleported back? Or worse gets trapped so now there 2 felixes running around and i dont know how thats going to affect the time line

Ashe would make the perfect court asassin. He has enough rank/political clout to get access to targets and its not suspicious if he is in proximity to them.But he's not important enough that anyone would pay attention to him. He's a knight and the lord of castle gaspard at most. He's like a minor lord not a duke or anything. Ashe has enough social and emotional intelligence to navigate social situations. He's easy to get along with and has that harmless sweet boy demeanor to him. He already is good at lock picking, sneaking around, and bows. All he need is some training from Shamir and Claude and Ashe would be unstoppable. The only thing stopping this is that Ashe is a genuine good sweet boy and hates deception. My boy is going to be a knight! 

You know what Dimitri needs? A Raphael. Put the one who cant deal with his own emotions next to the emotionally mature on and maybe Dimitri will finally get the help he needs. They can train together too

Dimitri: Kill them all. Don’t let a single one of them escape. Sever their limbs and crush their wicked skulls.

Me: how about no. Kids, don’t do that.

(later) Dimitri: I will search for survivors

Me: Yeah the ones you didn’t kill

The more I learn about Dimitri’s childhood the more I’m like what the hell is wrong with Faergus??? The lifting rocks makes sense because Dimitri is ridiculous strong, but having a kid run all night in heavy armor, or waking an 11 year old up in the middle of the night and having them catch deer. ????? Also Flayn’s cooking and Dimitri’s taste buds are a good match.  “Look at that young maiden wielding a giant lance. How adorable!” I mean that does sound pretty adorable actually.

Sometimes I think about how the officer’s academy is run as an institution and then I get a headache. The player character students we have number around 25 but you see npcs everywhere around garreg mach and there’s enough of them to fill a ball room. In talking to the students, a lot of them imply this is their first year at garreg mach which would imply that the officer’s academy’s course is 1 year long. This is also supported by the age range of the cast from 15 to 22 with most at 16-17 at the beginning of the year instead of having the younger and less experienced students at a different grade level. With a multigrade system unlikely though, how can we explain the number of students? There are 3 possibilities. First is that the class sizes are huge (conservative estimate is like 60/class, probably more based on cut scene estimates) with full day lecture classes. second is that there are only half day classes with half the students in morning class and the other half in afternoon class. Third is that there are actually more professors than shown.

The Central and Western Churches use the exact same rhetoric as shown in the Ashe-Catherine and Flayn-Seteth paralogues. We are divine and just and you are all heathens and sinners. Goddess this Goddess that. And both of them claim justifications for invasions under this rhetoric. Oh its not that you are politically inconvenient to me its that the Goddess says you are evil and I can’t argue with the Goddess so I have a moral obligation to strike you down. I wonder how many of them are actually delusional religious and how many are just using it as an excuse/cover.

I was thinking star or sun for claude because despite/because of everything he's an idealist. Like the sun guy in p3 akainori??? He take all that pain and tries to make the world a better placeInstead of a picture book though claude tries to revolutionize the worldAhhhhh I love this. theres so many narrative you can pull from these types of thingsDevil is like struggling with vice. Hubert's character arc deals withhis trouble connecting with people, his loyalty to edelgard, and what he has to do. Maybe justice? Rationality, jusgement, and themes of what is justice. Especially his convo with Hanneman that calls into question the execution of his fatherSeteth is probably hierophant as he's that one strict follow the rule book teacher we'vr all had. He also repeRepresents the chuch, authority, and the establishment (initially)Mercedes is a nurturing motherly type person with fits empress well. I take back the priestess statement from earlier. I think mercedes struggles are more external than internal (priestess is like more personal relationshio to spirituality and intuition). Wheel of fortune is an option? ?? Mercedes was born with a crest the her house fell and her step dad only wanted her mom for thr lamine crest. Then the church. then her adoptive dad wanting her for political gain theb the academy. A lot has been outside her control. Byleth is another good option for obvious reasons Edelgard is another good one given what happened in her childhood. If thing had been different she would be living a different life. Emperor could be another good one fore her since its about imposing your will on your surroundings

Dimitri’s stupid. I mean he’s using reasoning, but he’s jumping to conclusions when equally or more probable options are still there. I wouldn’t exactly believe Edelgard’s words either, but its clear Flame Emperor and TWSITD have their own separate agendas. Dimitrii’s  “edelgard is the root of all my sufferings” is like the same reasoning as edelgards “the church and its systems are the root of all suffering in Fodlan” but worse, at least Edelgard is half right.

Its honestly disturbing how willing Dedue is to erasing his autonomy and personhood.

timeskip time~ JP dimitri speech tone is much more calm it makes the dissonance with what he is saying all the weirder. He just making up excuses for his bloodlust now. “they” are “evil” so its ok to slaughter them. also yay monarchists, is gilbert actually relevant in this route???. Fleche and Randolf are actually relevant in this route???? I really hate Faergus. why are all of you following dimitri on his suicide run. why would you let the man clearly not in a good mental place decide the course of the army????

ch14: I mean getting ready to torture someone is one thing. but actually threatening me? You’re on my shitlist dimitri. Boy. You dare threaten me.

Woooowww its like watching a bunch of lemming run off a cliff

Rodrigue gets a bad rap in fandom because its true he’s not a great dad, but I don’t think he’s rock bottom either. He and Felix have different world views and he just has no idea how to deal with Felix. I’d be quite funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Dimitri doesn't have a rational bone in his body

In other news I'm getting kind of annoyed at everyone in azure moon.  Like heyyy maybe monarchy is a bad idea???

I read an interesting thought on why the prologue happened the way it did.  tldr: smear tactic against the church. It'd look bad if bandits even got close to the nation's heirs. And even worse if they got injured or killed. If one of them died, edelgard could get an advantage

hot take: Claude is naive in the same way Griffith is naive

another hot take: Claude is Buddha. or maybe Claude AS Buddha. Specifically the birth prophecy thing of kingdom vs all of time space

oh to clarify its about how Claude wants to change not only Fodlan and Almyra but the whole world. The Buddha thing is that there was a prophecy that he would either be an excellent king or like a spiritual leader whose teachings would echo through time around the world. so I want an AU

me finding out about dorothea's and mercedes backstories: who do I have to kill

Its implied in the hanneman supports that hubert’s dad might have been a part of the insurrection to protect hubert

I was imagining Ferdinand and Sylvain interacting and Sylvain probably hates Ferdie's guts and then in got dark first Ferdinand dislikes nobles that aren't noble so he'd probably disapprove. sylvain would see sheltered ferdinand and want to make him suffer as he has. not to mention Ferdinand ... always looks forward, he's always trying to improve himself and I can see sylvain resenting that and himself. on the flip side both hold the chavalier position in their house, and they both appreciate the fine arts. like ferdinand is out here being an obnoxious good boy championing everything sylvain hates

me looking at all the dudes Mercedes can A support: none of you deserve her. what are you bringing HER in this relationship

the only thing i likea about faerhgus is their flag. which is just so aesthetically pleasing

petra and edelgard are foils for each other.  they are princesses from opposite sides of a past war.  both are dedicated to their nations and seek to become the person their country deserves.  both are very driven.  each was for a period of their life removed from their home country.  but their positions are very different from one another.  edelgard and petra also have a low key friendly rivalry where they motivate each other to strive for more. they should have had an A support

I've been avoiding jeritza because his character concept seems like an edgier dimitri. So I'm just here to say i like his deaign. Partly covered face + long hair? Its like the devs are out for me by pairing that with a personality I don't get along with

Unpopular opinion but ignatz's part 2 haircut is super cute

i know someone here was plotting out a persona 5 cross over, but the more I think of it, dimitri belongs in persona 4.  that game's all about facing the parts of your personality that you don't want anyone else to see.  I mean feral dimitri is basically his shadow, that part of him that he rejects

A supports/total supports Claude: 10/13 Sylvain 4/16 So here's a comparison of how their trust issues affect their relationships. Claude might be incredible closed off and even in his A supports, still be with holding important information, but given enough time he can still potentially bond with a great number of people. While on the other hand Sylvain has destroyed his ability to form meaningful connections with people, so half of his A supports are people he already has a bond with. Sylvain is a bitter resentful boy and its getting in the way of his life. oh those supports are excluding byleths

Sylvain is deliberately stupid which makes him the true idiot here

i've been wondering, does dimitri's super strength randomly activate or is he like that all the time

Dimitri and sylvain. When 1+1=0

Chess club edelgard, hubert, sylvain, claude

Edelgard assumes there will be costs and doesn't try to find a way around it. That sort of glory in being killed is faerghus' thing

I really wish I could expierence the game in its full state. What we have in yhis reality is like a shadow of what it could have been.  I just want cf and vw to be their complete, best selves. Of all the routes, AM was written first and the only one that was completed and reached its full potential. VW and SS feel like half a route with of the other routes patched in to fill the gaps.  all of byleths lines in VW are suspiciously about rhea.  In some of the cutscenes theres graphical errors where the soldiers are wearing chuch colors instead of alliance.  Some parts of VW were clearing written fot SS and shoved in last minute.  Like the Edelgard scene. That scene makes mire sense in SS where byleth was her house leader, but not as much is VW where you barely talk to her. which is a shame because that’s one of my favorites.  Byleth's lines make sense in SS which is about rhea and saving the churcv but not in VW which is about whats really happening and Claude.  The same of course applies to SS, where seteth just says Claude's lines, and its so weird. And yet VW and CF are the strongest conceptually for me (or at least tickle my personal preferences). I also don't think any route should be seen in the absence of the others. Its is all 4 route together that show what the game is about. Focusing in on any one route is an incomplete picture.  Verdant Wind was so good and yet it could have been so much better.  That gap between the potential and the actual both angers and saddens me.  Also VW is the most big picture of all the routes. Instead of diving in, it takes a step back for perspective. You can see the war as a whole instead of just what's happenibg with faergus or adrestia. You see what's actually happening. That its not adrestria vs faregus but  the remnants of an ancient war still affecting modern politics from the dominance of the churcv to the agarthans who gave been stirring up shit for centuries.  Despite all its flaws Verdant Wind is also my favorite. Its not better than the other routes... but its spirit managed to reach my crusty old heart. Its like an ugly puppy. I just see all the places it could be better... (gronder field, and that ending??)

Hanneman legit reminds me of some of my professors. Well intentioned very nice people who are just incredible nerdy. A cute old man.

for all that many of Petra's ending end up in Nuvelle, its not actually all that close to Brigid. Seems like a mistake to me

claude badgering seteth to help him with his translations of old books

also its nice that 3h does not have the male as default thing and there are female background characters. Watching the starwars movies its weird that like every mook is male

dorothea and leonie co-chair the  let's-eat-the-nobles club.  claude and petra are both like fodlan nobles are weird and helpless with goofy dances

Ingrid and raphael competing at an eating competition.  Lysithea joins in because she wants cake

I have been overcome with the sudden urge to bully sylvain.  I want to see him make the sad pouty face

ferdinand is a good boy

I like to think that Agartha while progressing in some aspects, has also lost a lot of their technology in that they can still use it but no longer understand how it works

I want  more ignatz supports. I can see him bonding with ferdinand and dimitri strangely enough

Also claude and linhardt and claude competing for who can turn their room into a library first is so great

Again... still wondering what the climate and biogeography look like. Tall trees tend to be in wet temperate with good soil.  We knoe faerhgus is cold but not how cold.  All we know is that duscur ans sreng are cold and arid/semi arid.  We'd need some interesting wind patterns for fodlan to be temperate. If the northern coast is arid. The only way the interior is temperate is if wind is goinf north to south and gwtring trapped by tje central mountain range.  I dont think garreg mach is up in the himalayas

Sothis poorly grandmafriending byleth. Excellent

Playing AM and wow I forgot how much I want to punch dimitri I just want to off gilbert

I watched one of gilbert and annetes supports and wow I want to beat him into the ground all over again. Gilbert doesnt deserve a family

Ahhhh why did I play azure moon again. I'm stuck with gilbert the rest of the route!

i got a birthday letter from gilbert... i dun wan it

Linhardt really just does not care. Not about your "traditions"  or "laws". He only sort starts caring about "morals" after remire

Count Dominic: i have made the perfect crest bearing knight's daughter Me: you fucked up a perfectly good person is what you did. look at her. she's got anxiety. Me: prepare for pain.

Time to go beat up annettes uncle for giving her anxiety.  now I know where annettes fear of failure comes from... Annette deserves so much better

Sothis really is that gremlin living in the attic

I cant believe the reason dimitri made it past gronder was that his actions were so insane that so one could plan for them

I didn't expect ashe to be my mvp this time round... but he is.  Byleth and dimitri both have good strength but are squishy. Ashe's range is insane. He gets that skill that expands range + longbow + deadeye + horse + ring. And if thats not enough canto gets him back out of range. He crits on every other hit and has like a 60% crit rate with a killer bow. He kills everything in one turn. Armor units? Magic bow. Anything else he doubles and crits.

Alao update on the cornelia conspirqcy theory: busted

She just built firdiad a functioning sewer system

Back onto the debunking of the cornelia conspiracy theory  yeah she totally got replaced

Why am I playing azure moon.... I miss Claude

So the derdriu chapter in AM.... claude isnt as heartbroken aa in CF but he's not in a good place. I think he's mourning/coping with loss (the loss of possibilites, future, what could have been etc.) just like he was in CF. It also makea me think he's planning on invading fodlan in the future. I will need to think over this.

Gautier territory is a cold steppe and known for their horse breeding. Those hairy horses have to come from somewhere

Interestingly dimitri is 3/10 strongest in the army despite being a couple levels higher than everyone. So much for that Blaiddyd strength

Flayn is scared of being forgotten isn't she

Sylvain really takes care of dimitri huh

ahhh yeess claude in a poofy sleeved white shirt

Literally dimitri: no i dont "need rest". I have a headache but thats just from lack of sleep

Rodrigue and lambert ditching class getting high on the monastary roof

Faerhgus really is one giant death cult huh

Oh wow ingrid is like unhitable. High speed + evasion ring + avo+10 +alert stance+ + defiant avo

A-after many years I have finally finished azure moon... I think part of why I don't like azure moon is that it wasn't able to sell me on the rightful king narrative. And I CAN be sold on that as both Tolkien and Claude prove. That and the continued existence of gilbert. My loathing for that man is beyond expression

[notabikerider]

Its tag time!!! i found this randomly and i tag anyone who wants to do this too

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?  there is a light that never goes out, my kind of woman, crazy for you, love will tear us apart, weird honey

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? 

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.         “Is her finger on the Stop button, hoping for the strength to press it? What is she doing? I can’t hear!”

4: What do you think about most? honestly movies, food, and my boyfriend

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “I know I love it”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? clothes on i am not a sinner

7: What’s your strangest talent? I can do a mean angry new york mom impression

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) no, this one is dumb

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? both yeah

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? today no shame

11: Do you have any strange phobias? terrified that whenever im in an enclosed area with a lot of people that someone has a gun and is going to start shooting. irrational but true

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? no??

13: What’s your religion? agnostic 

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? going back inside

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind, i love taking pictures and doing film

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? bitch i cant answer that

17: What was the last lie you told? i don’t remember??? i try to avoid lying at all costs

18: Do you believe in karma? yeah, what goes around comes around

19: What does your URL mean? self explanatory but i made it when i was a lot sadder than i am now 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? weakness: emotional. strength: emotional

21: Who is your celebrity crush? a lot of people but probably mac demarco the most

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? no

23: How do you vent your anger? by complaining to friends and family or writing it out

24: Do you have a collection of anything? i have a lot of journals

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? video chatting, i like to see people’s expressions during a conversation

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? 1000% yes

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? i hate the sound of sports announcers and i love the sound of running your hand through still water.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if i would have had the courage to talk to the people i wanted to throughout high school?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. my computer

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? the ice cream im eating

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? fucking middle of nowhere nevada

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? west coast purely because i live here and i haven’t been to the east coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? mac demarco

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? happiness and love 

36: Define Art. impossible?? the point of art is that it can be anything, it’s subjective.

37: Do you believe in luck? undecided

38: What’s the weather like right now? way too fucking hot

39: What time is it? 9:07 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no and no

41: What was the last book you read? a heartbreaking work of staggering genius (my favorite)

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? no and i dont understand how people do 

43: Do you have any nicknames? jill

44: What was the last film you saw? boyhood

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? dislocated knee, three different times

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no they spook me up close

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? movies

48: What’s your sexual orientation? bi/pan honestly whatever you want to call it, i like all genders

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? yeah

50: Do you believe in magic? no

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? depends on the situation

52: What is your astrological sign? gemini cancer cusp (my bday is on tuesday!!)

53: Do you save money or spend it? both, spend some save some

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? clothes

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? yes im in love with harry gillette 

57: How many relationships have you had? 3 serious ones including the one im in now

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no

59: Where were you yesterday? my friends’ grad party 

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? yes my socks

61: Are you wearing socks right now? weirdly related to my last answer but yes

62: What’s your favourite animal? dogs and cows but i love all animals

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? my humor and my awkward/spazzy nature

64: Where is your best friend? home probably?

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. @lxvebad @edgarallenidunno @sedatedtaylor @perpetually-mediocre

66: What is your heritage? white

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? skyping pals

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? what kind of question is that

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? yeah i have

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? yeah i feel like im a pretty A+ pal

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? RUN TO THE DOG TO SAVE IT AND LOSE MY JOB FUCK THAT I CAN GET ANOTHER JOB THE DOG CANT GET ANOTHER LIFE

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? this question is too scary i dont want to think about it next

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. trust, love without trust isnt love at all

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? there is a light that never goes out by the smiths. i love that band and its impossible not to sing and dance to that tune

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 8493

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? trust, love, passion, respect

77: How can I win your heart? be harry 

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes but that doesnt make insanity positive 

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? taking my first film class freshman year of high school

80: What size shoes do you wear? 8

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? dont wanna think about that

82: What is your favourite word? ambivalent or serenity  

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. love

84: What is a saying you say a lot? hows it hanging & solid

85: What’s the last song you listened to? drunk again by reel big fish

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? dark red & pale pink

87: What is your current desktop picture? a picture of nate who i miss every day

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? donald trump

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? 

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? well if they dont pose a threat to me id just leave my house for the time being and wait for them to leave

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? teleportation!

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? a half hour of talking to nate

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? my “best friend” completely leaving me behind

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? mac demarco 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? london

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? no

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? no

98: Ever been on a plane? yes when i was 8 

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? be fucking nice to each other and accept everyone.