#no but seriously i am severely unwell when i think of this

[wikitpowers]

we have come such a long way i’m gonna cry :’(

and the fact that it’s been almost 10 years between both of these posts can you hear my sobs?

[finalgirlmoment]

Noteworthy details about the first two PJOTV episodes (spoilers)

First of all, every single of them ATE DOWN. just wanted to throw that out there, i'm so so impressed with the cast, everyone was perfect and gorgeous and i'm completely sat for any and all future installments. A fine piece of media. Let's begin.

Percy's confusion and bewilderment finding out that he's a demigod. "You fell in love with God.... like, Jesus????" LMFAO but seriously his frustration in this moment, thinking there's something actually wrong with his brain, feeling lost and confused and hurt and BROKEN. the struggle in that moment is so relatable to people discovering they have some sort of mental illness or neurodivergence, especially when they weren't believed/listened to etc and i think walker played this part beautifully

GROVER AND PERCY PLAYING MYTHOMAGIC TOGETHER. GROVER AND PERCY PLAYING MYTHOMAGIC TO TRAIN PERCY. I AM LITERALLY SCREAMING OFF ROOFTOPS THE IMPLICATIONS THAT THIS HAS???? ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING??????? IMAGINE SEASON 3 PERCY FINDS NICO AND THEY HAVE THIS IN COMMON???????????!?!?!?!?!? FEELING SEVERELY FRANTIC AND MASSIVELY UNWELL ABOUT THIS

luke's empathy towards Percy throughout-- his apologies for what happened to his mother at the bottom of Half Blood Hill, him telling P that he relates to the nightmares, the restlessness, the ADHD..... so fucking sick and fucking twisted, I will be sobbing at the ending, gorgeous job on both ends on making this relationship feel very warm and authentic and the trust starting to build. this will H U R T.

CLARISSE. she's so gorgeous and vindictive. Her beauty took me off guard initially, but she's such a spiteful little badass that I completely fell in love with her. I CANNOT WAIT to see more of her characterization, especially into season two. perfection.

Percy burning the blue jelly beans- the thing he'd miss most- out in the middle of the woods at night in a damn can, just to pray to his MOTHER. *sobbing intensifies* i couldn't ask for a more sweet, heartfelt, honest moment. the perfect addition. 10s across the board

Percy's ANGER. OH BOY this was one of my most favorite parts. I feel like we see Percy as a very happy-go-lucky kid altogether but I loved, LOVED to see his frustration and agitation from the very beginning. Everything is so confusing and foreign and all he knows is that 1. he's been betrayed or left behind by everyone he knows and 2. he's been ignored his whole life by his godly parent. His mission is to MAKE HIS DAD SEE PERCY, at ANY COST. Before he even knows who his dad is. He is entitled to feel ALL of this anger and hurt and resentment!!!!!!!

Annabeth calling Percy "sunshine". TOTAL CULTURAL RESET. I gasped. The dawn of a new age of Percabeth. I will be screaming into my pillow about this for the foreseeable future.

The entire characterization of Percy throughout the capture the flag scene. His contrast of being just a kid- flossing (lol), peeing the woods, petting a gecko, just vibing and hanging out VS. being thrown suddenly into attack from his peers that don't care about the rules, surprising himself and everyone around him with his finesse in battle, quick instincts, swordsmanship..... i'm weak fr. I can't wait to see him grow, train, become stronger and more confident.

Overall, I'm entirely floored and beyond happy. I can't wait to see more. 10/10

[bangtanficsforyou]

They Reject You (maknae line)

Pairing: maknae line x reader (fuckboi! Jimin x Reader, Co-worker Taehyung x Reader, Idol Jungkook x Reader)

Warnings: swear words here and there.

Word count: 4.6K

Park Jimin

"Well if it isn't my favourite girl." A voice slurs slowly, right next to your ears which makes you flinch in surprise.

"Jimin, gosh, what's wrong with you?" You say in an annoyed manner, immediately recognising the person. "Also, maybe keep some distance?"

Jimin pouts exaggeratedly and puts extra effort into widening his eyes for special effects. "Don't you find me being this close to you, heart racing-ly desirable?"

"Heart racing-ly? That's a new one," you snort and roll your eyes. "But to answer your question; no. It is not heart racing-ly desirable." 

"Lie all you want but we all know the truth," Jimin smirks and you can't help but wonder how on earth he manages to remain this cocky even when drunk.

"Cut the crap and stop wasting my time." You turn around to leave, not wanting to give Jimin the time of your day. From your previous experiences, you know that Jimin only ever causes trouble.

"I'm not feeling good, Y/N," he whines, all cockiness suddenly gone from his tone as he pleads gently. "Don't leave me."

You contemplate for a split second before huffing in defeat. "What do you mean by you're not feeling good?" 

"I don't know," he shrugs with a sad frown. "I just don't feel good."

Instinctively, you place your palms on his forehead only to find his skin to be burning hot. 

"Jimin!" You exclaim, your feelings of indifference instantly turning into that of concern. "You have high fever."

"That might explain why I was feeling so hot," he nods. "But I thought that was because of how attractive I am."

Any other time, you would have retorted with a comeback but right now you pay no attention to his words. "Come with me, we need to get you back to your room. You need rest." 

Much to your surprise, Jimin doesn't throw a protest and lets you hold his hand as you make way for the both of you through the partying crowd. 

Thankfully his room is only upstairs (one of the many pros of being a frat boy living in a frat house) and you don't have much trouble getting there.

Making Jimin sit on the bed, you look for medicines that can help with his fever. "How long have you been feeling unwell?"

"For about an hour."

You have half a mind to lecture him on how drinking should be the last thing he should have done while feeling unwell, but you decide to keep it in. Maybe when he's sober and in a better health condition, you will give him an earful.

Right now, it's more important to understand the severity of the situation.

"Did you stay out for too long at night? Or stayed with wet clothes on? Or something that might have led to you having a fever?" 

Jimin's drunk mind feels perplexed by the series of questions you're throwing his way. "Does it matter?" 

"Yes, it does," you respond shortly.

As a nursing student, you know how important it is to know the source of any sickness. If his fever can be tracked down to any possible cause, you'd have this reassurance that there's most likely nothing to worry about. However, if the fever seems to have appeared out of nowhere, there are chances that it may be a symptom of some underlying infection.

Your response makes Jimin think. Has he done anything in recent days that could have led to this? At first, nothing comes to mind. But after a few moments of intense brainstorming, something clicks in his brain.

"Does having two hours of shower sex count?" He queries seriously.

Your hands momentarily falter on their journey of looking for the first aid box but you recover quickly. 

"Should have expected something like that from you," you grumble in annoyance.

"Don't be mean," he complains in a whine. "It's not my fault that the sex was so good. Plus, she kept asking for more and you know I can't say no to that."

You slam the drawer shut and aggressively open the box, having finally found it. You take out a tablet and hand it over to Jimin with a glass of water. 

Once Jimin has taken the medicine, you arrange the pillows for him and take a blanket out. "Go to sleep. Let your body have some rest."

"Are you leaving?" He asks in a quiet voice, reminding you of a small child asking a question they already know the answer to.

"I don't think I have any purpose being here. I'll ask Jungkook to stay with you in case you need something."

"Jungkook won't take care of me the way you do," Jimin replies with a huff, thoroughly displeased with the idea of you leaving him.

"That's not my issue," you shrug.

Jimin switches to his last option, one that works every time and on everyone; his famous, irresistible puppy eyes. "Do you not have any sympathy for me?"

You scoff, your patience running thin. You really don't want to have a fight or speak your mind while he's having a fever, but if he continues to prod you this way, he will be responsible for the inevitable outburst.

Jimin feels unhappy with your lack of response and he attempts once again. "Won't you do this much for me? Please?"

That's it. The way his soft voice pulls at your heartstrings does it for you.

"Can you, for once, not think only for yourself?" You snap.

Now that was not the reaction Jimin was expecting. "What do you mean?"

"Don't try to play dumb," you roll your eyes and cross your arms. "Don't tell me you have no idea how I feel about you."

Although drunk, Jimin's mind registers the seriousness of your words and he immediately looks sheepish. "I don't."

Well, that's a lie and both you and Jimin know it.

A sarcastic smile appears on your face. "I'll spell it out for you, again. I like you Jimin."

Jimin looks down and starts fiddling with the end of the bedsheets as he nods, having no other response. 

You sigh, wondering why you expected any other, perhaps a more thoughtful reaction from him. Feeling disappointed with yourself, you make your way out without another word.

On your way, however, you make sure to find Jungkook and ask him to look after Jimin. 

Once you're out of the frat house and have booked a cab to your rented apartment, you sit on a small bench and take a deep inhale to relax. Sadly and much to your frustration, the emotions that have come to the surface refuse to let you have your peace of mind.

You really should have stayed away from Jimin, from the very start.

Your brain chimes at you and it reminds you that perhaps there's no one else to be blamed but you. You are the one who has been entertaining Jimin all in the name of not entertaining him. 

It was a frat party much similar to that of today's when Jimin had first tried to add your name to the long list of girls he has had sex with. You were surprised, caught off guard and admittedly a little flattered by his flirtatious actions but irrespective of that, you weren't willing to be a part of his list.

You had asked him to fuck off and to leave you alone. Which he had done at the time but only to return later with much more determination to win you over. By then, you weren't feeling flattered by his repeated attempts, you were annoyed. Something, which Jimin found amusing.

The more he tried, the more your annoyance flared and so did Jimin's amusement. It went like this for a couple of weeks.

Things started to change when you stumbled upon a drunk Jimin sitting alone on the terrace. That was the first time the both of you had a proper conversation with each other. It made you realise that the whole fuckboy thing he has going on, is only a small part of him. You realised that there's much more to the guy than what meets the eye.

From then on you stopped treating him like a guy whose sole identity was that of the 'campus fuckboy'. 

That doesn't mean that his actions stopped annoying you. But you sure found it more tolerable.

However, exactly when your feelings for him turned romantic, remains debatable. Was it the night when he drunkenly kissed you? Or was it when he drunkenly confessed that he enjoys your company more than anyone else's? You don't know. 

But you do remember, exactly when you realised that your feelings for him don't fall under the category of platonic. It was when you saw Jimin making out with a petite blonde in a bar. The pain and jealousy that shot through your veins was an indication enough for you to see how your feelings have bloomed into something more.

You, upon realising, did not hesitate to confess. His response to your confession was simple. He does not do relationships and he sees you as a friend.

You could do with that. You weren't expecting Jimin to return your feelings or to commit to you. After all, you were well aware of his lifestyle and how he likes having lovers instead of a lover. 

The only reason you had confessed to him was in hopes that he would stop trying to bed you and realise that it isn't just fun and games for you anymore.

Unfortunately, Jimin didn't stop with his antics.

Annoyed and angry, you had decided to cut Jimin off. But of course, he wouldn't have that. He would, in some way or the other, sneak into your daily life and cause a ruckus as if it were his birthright. 

Truth be told, you weren't hurt by his rejection as much as you were by his total disregard for your feelings and how his actions and choices could affect you. 

The events from today serve as another example of the kind of emotional turmoil he stirs within you. The question is how long will you put up with this?

Your cab honks to announce its arrival and it causes you to break out of your thoughts. You give a small nod to the man in the driving seat and get up. As you walk towards the cab, you make up your mind. 

You're not going to entertain him any longer. 

Kim Taehyung

You: that's very mean of you 👿

You type with a wide grin plastered on your face.

Tae 🐻: mean? me? Never 🥺

You: putting that emoji won't help you 👿

Tae 🐻: ☹️

Tae 🐻: I sent you the snap of the chocolate because it reminded me of you 😔

You: that was NOT your intention 😤

You: you do this every time and then i start craving chocolates 😭

Tae 🐻: then have some 🙇

You: i have to complete the excel sheet by today :(:

You: which mean i can't go out

You: and if I opt for ordering online, I'll end up ordering a bunch of other stuff along with it and that won't be good for my wallet 

Tae 🐻: awwww

Tae 🐻: It's okay! I'll bring you chocolates tomorrow 

Tae 🐻: from your favourite brand 😉

You: you sweetheart 🥺

Tae 🐻: says the sweetest ❤️

A bashful giggle escapes from your lips when you read his text. He sure has a way with words.

You: now let me do my work

You: shoo

Tae: ☹️

Tae: I'm being chased away 

Tae: but okay xD

Tae: I'll let you get back to it. 

You bite on your lower lip to stop smiling like a fool and try to focus your attention on the computer screen. Keyword; try.

The butterflies in your stomach and the fluttering of your heart make it extremely difficult for you to think about anything else that's not Taehyung.

Gosh, he really is the greatest distraction of them all.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, you find a big pack of chocolate from your favourite brand, on your desk. Attached to it is a note that reads for my favourite girl ;). You smile involuntarily and wonder what you ever did to deserve someone like Taehyung in your life. 

You sit on your chair and while the computer boots, you take a small bite from the chocolate bar. As you relish the sweetness that spreads in your mouth, you can't help but think of Taehyung and how much he has come to mean to you, in the few months that you have known him. 

When he first joined the company he was shy, barely talking to anyone and having a hard time socialising with his co-workers. It took him about a couple of weeks to get comfortable and once he did, there was no going back. He somehow became everyone's favourite. 

However, the way you two became friends is a bit different. 

Four months ago, on a fortunate day, there was a huge mishap with the data files. Small groups were formed to work on the mistakes and correct them as necessary. As fate would have it, you and Taehyung were a team. And the amount of jokes you two made about your higher-ups, were perhaps the only source of energy for you both to carry on with the work and ultimately, finish it. 

And those three intense working days were enough for the two of you to become friends. 

It started with having small conversations via text, which then turned into full lengthy regular conversations. In the midst of all of that, when the flirting began, you have no clue. All you remember are those nights when you stayed up late, talking to him and smiling into your pillow, feeling like a teenager. 

He would sneak little compliments and warm affectionate words that would have you looking like a tomato in a matter of seconds.

Most importantly, he has become one of your closest friends. He has been there whenever you needed him and has confided in you whenever he faced challenges. The bond you two share is something you treasure deeply. He has become such an integral part of your life that there hardly goes by a day when the two of you don't talk to each other.

It's one of those 'more than friends' but 'not really dating' scenarios.

You had never given much thought about giving a label to what the two of you were. You were happy having him the way you do. But recently, you can't help but think of taking things to the next level. You find yourself wondering what it would be like to call him your boyfriend. 

As the all too familiar windows tune plays, notifying you of the booting process being completed, you decide to subtly ask him about it. 

----------------------------------------

"Did you like the chocolates?" That's the first thing Taehyung asks as you take the seat opposite to him.

"Do you think I would not like it?" You answer his question with a question of your own. Because honestly, that's a very silly question to ask. Anyone who knows you knows how much you love chocolates.

Taehyung grins, his boxy smile making an appearance. "I mean, it would still be nice to hear it from you."

"Well, then, I loved it." 

He nods, satisfied with your answer. Placing one of his hands on his chest, right above his heart, he bows. "I'm honoured to know that."

You chuckle softly, endeared at his actions. "How was your day so far?"

He rolls his eyes. "Eh, the usual. Mina got some files messed up and I had to do twice the work to fix that."

"That sucks," you grimace. "Work has been so tiring lately, I wish we could take a small break from all this shit."

"Oh, that reminds me–" Taehyung exclaims suddenly, startling you, "–I have got these free tickets to a movie, would you like to go with me?"

Excitement bubbles in your stomach. "Sure! I'd love to."

"Then it's set! I'll let you know of the date and time later, okay?" 

You nod, feeling giddy at the thought of watching a movie with him. It won't be the first time for sure, but it has been a while since the two of you last did something like this. Work hardly leaves any spare time for rest and fun.

However, the thought of spending some alone time with him, makes your mind go back to what you had decided while you were devouring the chocolate. You clear your throat before bringing the topic to the table. "Tae?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we doing?"

He looks up from his food, with a confused smile. "What do you mean by that? We are eating lunch." 

You shake your head softly, and make your question more obvious. "What are we?" 

You see as his confusion clears out and his smile fades. A look of discomfort appears on his face as he swallows the food. "Well, we are friends." 

"Are we just friends though?" You raise a brow in question, not willing to accept his answer. 

A soft sigh escapes his lips when he realises he can't really back out of this or push the conversation away for some time later. "You aren't just a friend to me. I like you. I like you a lot."

You stay quiet, sensing that there's a but coming. 

"But I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship." He adds, figuring out that there's no way to put it subtly. 

That wasn't the answer you were expecting and naturally, you feel disheartened by his words.

Taehyung notices the way your face has dropped and he immediately feels guilty. "I know I should have told you this before. My intentions weren't to string you along, I genuinely do like you–"

"Then why?" You cut him off, confused and unable to understand what could be the issue if he really likes you the way he claims to.

"I am scared it will distract me from my career."

Your first instinct is to counter his statement and say, it doesn't work that way. That relationships are not a distraction. But you hold yourself back from saying so. 

If he believes that having a relationship will distract him, you cannot force or persuade him to believe otherwise. If anything, you understand where he might be coming from. He has only recently joined the company and you know he has experienced financial issues while growing up. You can see why he might be scared of something making him lose his focus. Having an established career is what he wants and what seems to be his priority.

Although you have been hoping and looking forward to putting a label, you know you can't expect that from him anymore. You could try and ask him to reconsider his choices but what good would that do? 

Even if he were to get into a relationship, he would most likely still have that thought in the back of his mind and will keep worrying about getting sidetracked. What's the point of committing to someone if you can't really enjoy it to the fullest? What is the point of calling someone yours, if you can't fully feel the beauty of it? You see none.

"Maybe, we can wait for each other?" He suggests meekly, too scared to see what your reaction to the question is.

Now, waiting for each other and whatnot sounds really romantic in movies and romcoms but you have to remind yourself that this is not a movie. In real life, irrespective of the intentions the individuals may hold, somewhere along the line, something usually happens that causes chaos and turns things sour. 

"How about we just let things flow and see where it takes us?" You suggest as that seems like the best possible choice at the moment.

Taehyung nods knowing he's in no place to bargain. He will take whatever you will give him. However, it bugs him to no end when you spend the rest of the lunch in silence and with a frown on your face.

Jeon Jungkook

"Can you sit still for a moment?"

The person in question, aka Jungkook, pays no attention to your words and hollers when something exciting occurs on the screen of his mobile phone. 

You sigh and place your palms on both of his cheeks and make him look up. However, the adorable sight of his squished cheeks, pouty lips and doe eyes wide in surprise, has you snorting. When you let go of your hold, he frowns, offended by your laughter.

"What's so funny about my face?" He grumbles.

You shake your head and apply blush on his cheeks. "You just looked like a real bunny for a second there, couldn't help but laugh at that."

He pouts. "That's supposed to be cute, not funny."

A fond smile appears on your face at his displeasure. "You're both cute and funny, I guess."

Jungkook grins at you, now satisfied. "Now make me cuter."

"I'll be able to do that if you stay still for a moment," you retort. 

Jungkook huffs and closes his eyes. "Fine! I'll stay still."

You hum in response and get to work. 

Being Jungkook's make-up artist was fairly easy. You just had to make his beautiful face appear flawless for the cameras. Nothing too difficult. Jungkook was friendly and so were the other BTS members. The pay was, of course, more than satisfactory.

Recently, however, being Jungkook's make-up artist hasn't been easy. It hasn't been easy being this close to him and keeping the fluttering of your heart under control. It hasn't been easy to see his eyes this up close and not let yourself get lost in them. It hasn't been easy to notice that small mole under his lips and resist the urge to kiss it. Oh no, it hasn't been easy at all. 

One might call you unprofessional and to be honest, you don't have much to defend yourself with. Rather, if someone questions your professionalism, you'd challenge them to take your job and not fall for the guy.

You think it's simply impossible.

But you see, that's the simple part. Falling. The consequences of falling, however, are where the complications begin. 

The very first question that comes to mind is; what are the chances that they might feel the same? Then one realises that there's no way to answer this for sure as it's only the other person who's aware of what they feel. Which leads to a major dilemma; to confess or not to confess. 

Confessing your feelings is a very vulnerable thing to do. It feels like exposing yourself at one's mercy. Like a delicate bud that you hand over and whether the flower will bloom or wilt, totally depends on the other person. 

It's beautiful yet scary.

For a long time, you haven't been willing to be that vulnerable with Jungkook.

All anxieties that come with confessing aside, you can't ignore the fact that he's a world-famous idol.

You are not worried about word getting out about you falling for him. You hardly think that it will cause a stir. If anything, the fans will probably make memes out of it and will agree with you on how impossible it is to not fall for the guy. The memes will be all over the internet for a few months and after that, they will be gone and will resurface every once in a while. That doesn't seem like much to you and you think you can handle it.

What does worry you is word getting out and you getting fired and not getting a job henceforth (you're pretty sure that the agencies won't take up on your 'don't fall for Jungkook' challenge). 

This particular fear is what has been holding you back from letting Jungkook know of your feelings. 

However, the thing with love is, you cannot bury it no matter how hard you try. It's like the sun that comes out to shine no matter what. Love blooms in the heart and it refuses to stay hidden for too long behind whatever fears the mind comes up with.

After all, in the battle of mind and heart, when has the former ever won? 

Once you're done with the finishing touches, you let Jungkook know that you're done.

Jungkook opens his eyes and they automatically land on yours. The sharp spike in your breathing rate and the loud thumping of your heartbeat, makes you look away immediately.

You clear your throat and take a slow deep inhale to calm your racing heart. "I'll put the lip balm and foundation in the kit. Just in case you need it."

"You say that every time before a performance as if you're not going to be backstage," he chuckles in amusement.

"Jungkook, the performance is in fifteen," Taehyung says loudly from the other side of the room.

It's like a switch being flipped on. Jungkook's eyes widen and he gets up from his seat instantly. Bidding you a quick goodbye, he exits the room in a hurry. 

You sigh in relief, finally feeling like you can breathe again. Taking a seat on the chair previously occupied by Jungkook, you stare at your reflection in the mirror. You notice the red hue on your cheeks and your lips part in awe at how flustered you look. Almost, as if you have run a mile. 

Something about this moment makes you come to a quick decision. For a long time, you have been toying with the idea of confessing but have always backed out every time you had a chance. But not anymore. 

You grab a small piece of paper and a pen and write down what you have been wanting to tell Jungkook.

You make it direct and simple and put it in Jungkook's handbag. 

The moment you zip the chain, you feel this urge to take the chit out and throw it in the dustbin but you somehow, withhold yourself from doing so. 

You are aware that he won't notice the chit until he's back in his dorms. The bag contains all the skin care products (handpicked by you) he uses before going to bed. Which also means you would have to wait until tomorrow when you're back to work to know Jungkook's answer. 

Seems like it's gonna be a sleepless night for you.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, you go to work with nervous excitement. While in the car, you couldn't wait for your destination to arrive yet at the same time dreaded it. It's this mixed feeling where you can't decide what you want but in the end, realise that it's better to just get over it.

However, while you're walking towards Jungkook's make-up room, Namjoon calls your name.

"Y/N," he shouts to get your attention. Once he notices he has it, he walks up to you. "My dressing room is the other way." 

"I know that," you say with a small frown, wondering why he is telling you this.

"Oh," Namjoon realises that you're unaware of the changes. "You don't know, do you?"

You shake your head, your confusion only increasing. "Know what?"

"Jungkook has requested a new make-up artist. So now, you're in charge of my make up," he replies. 

Namjoon's words ring in your ears and you feel the world around you fade. You knew that there was always the chance that he doesn't feel the same way. You knew if that were the case it'd hurt but you'd accept it. However, you didn't expect Jungkook to do this. 

It feels like the unbloomed flower has been stomped by someone and you're left to feel the crushing pain. 

A/N: if you wish to support me and want to have early access to all my works, consider visiting my patreon!

[kattythingz]

Attack attack attack 🕯️🥤🥐🥝🐝

Literally every one of these questions was a targeted attack, what the FUCK Jinx. But fine.

🕯️ - on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? Why is that?

Unless I'm in a bad mood and/or the premise doesn't interest me, it's actually most often a 9. Sometimes even a 10. It took me a long time to realize this (hello fiction workshop), but it turns out my passion for editing is its own beast. Something about helping others' writing. Pointing out their mistakes not to laugh at them, but to further their writing because I want to see that!!! I want my friends to see their best writing and I want to help them get there! It's the greatest honor! And, when I really get into it, it's honestly just a fun process!

(Usually. We don't talk about the fucking blood that went into editing ch4 of Crown.)

🥤 - recommend an author or fanfic you love.

MAY I INTRODUCE THE FINE PEOPLE TO @asthmaticbee's BRILLIANT HP X FMA AU "of elder, stone and cloth (of death, rebirth and closure)". THE SURPRISE RAREPAIR IS AMAZING AND I AM SO UPSET I DON'T HAVE OTHER CONTENT FOR THEM AND THE CHARACTER WRITING IS PHENOMENAL. THIS AUTHOR GETS ED ON SUCH A DEEP LEVEL. It quite literally had me high for the three or so days I spent bingeing the fic. I CANNOT recommend it enough.

🥐 - name one internet reference that will always make you laugh.

SONIC FANDUBS LMAO. My little brother and I recite them at each other all the time (I suspect it's a verbal stim at this point?), and I can't. It's so fucking funny each time.

🥝 - do you lie a lot? What's the most recent lie you told?

Jinx, seriously. What have I done to insult you lately? /j

I do actually lie a lot lmao. That's kinda a necessity in a controlling household like mine, so it uh. Kinda happens like breathing. Which is mayhaps not a good thing, but. You know. Gotta do what you gotta do. I can't remember my most recent lie, aha. (Another shining endorsement for me, ik.)

🐝 - tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them.

I am honestly so blessed to say—it's so many people? I can't even tag them all off the top of my head. The recent support I received on ch5 of Crown was so fucking huge, I'll forever be unwell over how nice all my readers are?? I'm so grateful to everyone.

Off the top of my head, however, I MUST specifically tag @ilovepannacotta @sirchenchen @hijinks-n-lowjinks @crystalizedirongoblin and @thewitchqueen281

Panna, you brilliant fucking bitch, you've been struggling with your art lately but you are genuinely my favorite edling artist out there. You never fail to blow my expectations out of the water, and I hope you'll agree with me on that one day. Chen, your mind is so brilliant, and your aus are so thoughtful and deep and you ask questions I never considered before that then get ME thinking. Jinx, your understanding of Greed as a character, and Al too, have quite literally saved my ass several times. Citrine, I... can't think of sth specific cuz we don't actually talk often, but your support for my yj x fma crossover motivated me so much more than you think, esp since I was in a dry spell with Crown at the time. And Avi, you've literally been my ground support since ch1 of Crown. Your early asks gave me so much hope that this revamp might actually stand a chance, and then you further devastated me by writing me a goddamn 8k fic.

I'm grateful to all my readers, but you guys esp... you did sth deep to me. And I don't think I'll be normal again cuz of it. I love y'all <3

[sinthedrinker]

Zhongli x F!Reader

Zhongli awoke in the middle of the night, the lack of weight and warmth beside him in bed having roused him. The moon was high, it's light shining through our bedroom window and softly illuminating my silhouette as I paced around the room. I don't know why the night scares me, nothing bad had ever happened to me at night that didn't also happen during the day, but I could not stay asleep or stay comfortable. Sleep aids made me dizzy and sedated, but as long as I could still move my limbs, I would not sleep. Just pace, or scratch and peel at my skin, or talk to myself. Anything to pass the time until the sun rose and I could finally rest. Zhongli was used to this by now and he rose from the bed, wrapping his arms around me and stilling my anxious movement. 

"My poor darling. How long have you been up?" He asked softly. I placed my hands over his, interlocking our fingers. 

"I can't remember." 

"Will you come back to bed with me?" He asked, very gently guiding me back to our bed. My eyes and limbs felt heavy, my head was swimming, but still I could not relax enough to close my eyes and sleep. My anxiety only seemed to worsen, my stomach swirling restlessly and making me fear I would be sick, my heart beating so fast, my body flooding with adrenaline, ready to run from a nameless threat. Zhongli wrapped himself around me, caging me in his large, strong body. He always seemed to radiate warmth and stability, like laying on a boulder that's been kissed by the sun. 

"You are safe. Nothing fearful or harmful or painful can reach you, everything is right in the world, and you are safe in my arms." He said sternly. I nodded and snuggled up closer to him. 

"I'm sorry I'm like this. I know it must be exhausting for you." I said. The feeling that I am burdensome, annoying and useless wells up inside of me nearly every night and I worry that it will slowly build until it erodes our relationship. Zhongli cupped my cheek, tilting my head to make me meet his eyes. Amber, nearly shining in the moonlight, he always looked at me so sternly and seriously. 

"You are never exhausting. You are my wife, my darling. I want to care for you, and I love you when you are well, and unwell." He said. He kissed me gently, pulling me to his body even closer. It was impossible not to feel safer in his arms, but still I didn’t think I could fall asleep, and he knew he would be unable to sleep as long as I was so restless. 

“Would you like to look at the moon with me?” he asked. I nodded cheerfully and let him help me back out of bed, by this time the servants had all gone to sleep and I didn’t feel nervous about being in just my nightie as Zhongli led me through our dark estate. He hadn't even bothered to put clothes on at all. He led me to our living room where the moon shone through the wide windows and where the glowing lights of Liyue could be seen below. Our home was high enough that no one could see into the windows, but the city with all of its lanterns and street lights sprawled out below us was beautiful at night, especially with the moon glowing above and reflecting in the sea beyond the city. 

While I admired the city Zhongli wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his head on my shoulder. 

"Do you feel safer?" He asked quietly. 

"I do. It makes me feel really soothed to see all of Liyue like this, though I'm not sure why." 

"Because this is my city, and now it is yours. There will always be a home for you in Liyue, a place where you can feel safe. Between the cliffs and mountains and the sea you are safe. Here, you are safe." 

I closed my eyes and took Zhongli's hands in mine. His hands were large, strong and warm but his fingers were elegant, dexterous and capable as he entwined them with mine. 

"I'm sleepy.." I said after several long moments of gazing at the moon with him silently. He scooped me up in his arms, cradling me and carrying me back to our bed. 

He laid down and held me to his chest, his grip on me firm and protective. I wriggled free just enough to hold his face in my hands and kiss him. I ran my fingertips over his cheek and jawbones as he worked his lips against mine and slid his tongue into my mouth, brushing his teeth against my bottom lip. He slid one of his hands down my back to my ass, he squeezed and kneaded my flesh before spanking me abruptly. I yelped and felt him smirk against my mouth. 

"Precious thing. You are absolutely delectable, too much so to resist." 

Zhongli rolled on top of me, laying me back on our soft pillows and sheets as he lowered his head to the crook of my neck to kiss and suck bruises already left there from the previous night. It hurt a little, his assault upon already tender flesh, but I was happy to receive both pain and pleasure from him during these times. He ran his hands down my body, squeezing my thighs before bringing his hand between them, circling my clit with his fingertip gently. 

"How do you feel? Not only physically, tell me how you're feeling emotionally. I worry, you know." Zhongli said, though it was hard to focus on his words. 

"Safe.. Being intimate with you, I just feel very safe. I can be vulnerable a-and, I know you'll protect me-" I clenched my teeth as I came, Zhongli continuing to rub my clit and extending my orgasm as long as he could. 

"I.. feel safe as well." He said, holding his cock in one hand and one of my thighs in the other, swirling the tip of his cock around my slick entrance. 

"During the Archon war my only.. encounters were strictly, primal, we'll say. Breeding and nothing more. The experience of intimacy that feels intimate, of.. Making love;" with that he pushed himself into me. 

"This is something I have only experienced with you. Both pleasurable and loving and still filling me with just as much primal desire that clouds my mind and makes me able to think of nothing but filling you.. It feels good. I want you to feel safe. I want you to feel that you are part of me, one with me, and together nothing can harm us." 

He cradled me in his arms and kissed me gently, moaning quietly into my mouth as I clenched my walls around him. I closed my eyes and let myself focus on nothing but this feeling and this moment. No anxiety or nervousness or fear, only Zhongli's warm body, his strong arms, his hot breath against my neck and the pleasant ache of his cock stretching me. 

Zhongli stroked my cheek gently, looking into my eyes as he came, his mouth slightly agape as he shuddered and his hips bucked involuntarily. 

"I love you darling. Are you ready to sleep now?" he asked, smiling as he pulled out of me and laid next to me, holding me to him with his strong chest against my back. 

"Mmmhmm..." I said sleepily, unable to keep my eyes open. 

[whimsicalcotton]

Also I started getting into the namesake song of polluted marrow (Spiracle by Flower Face) and it's so good... I wanna give you the green light to ramble about how you think this song relates to the fic/the characters/etc bc I'm very curious to hear how it inspired you 😊

[cracks knuckles] Okay so,

for starters this AU is kinda old. i think i started toying w the general idea in 2016ish, and the want to write it got hardcore resurrected when i decided to watch an lis1 playthrough for the first time in fucking ages last year. i happened to find Spiracle recently after finishing up so there was already like a 60% chance i'd start associating it w lis through just that, but then i was smacked in the face specifically by this last line

so hard that i was immediately like Oh God I Need To Write That Timelooper Max AU Right The Fuck Now. (like seriously. "i want you butterfly, i want you sailor." what am i supposed to Do after hearing that if not wail over pricefield)

as a whole for me the song is about The Devotion (tm) and how Max loves every last little part of Chloe, good or bad, for better or worse, so goddamn much that she's willing to put herself through all this fucking bullshit several times over. Yearning On A Cosmic Scale kind of vibes.

but then after a few listens i Realized. that some of these lines are really good for Rachel + the admittedly unhinged amberfield dynamic i have brewing. imo Max is definitely not immune to the whole putting the idea of Rachel on a pedestal problem, but she does it Different than everyone else bc her image of Rachel is informed mostly by how important she was to Chloe. which is to say i read some of these lines in an "and i want you, too. i want every part of her and you're a part of her," sort of way.

also this one line is very Max @ both of them

and to bring it back to that last bit again, i feel like the butterfly/sailor line is pretty self-explanatory but "i am your lover, and i am your jailor," to me is the crux of all those conflicting gnarly gay timelooper feelings. no one loves you like me, no one hurts you like me. i'm saving us, i'm keeping us trapped here. i'm the one who pulls you from your grave, i'm the one who throws the first shovel of dirt onto your coffin. i'm your lover, i'm your jailor.

also! even the title easily lends itself to lis imagery bc A) english is stupid and there are too many words that look the damn same so i think of spirals every time i see it. and more concretely, B) spiracles are little holes in an insect's body that they use to get oxygen and ofc,, both butterflies And the chrysalis itself have them. i'm mentally unwell about this actually. truly i wasn't aware i could be emotionally damaged by looking up caterpillar facts but that's what writing does to you i guess.

and lastly i picked out 'polluted marrow' as a title for the whole AU because

could be Any Of Them.

for Max it's "i'll still want you if you're nothing; i'll still want you if your insides are rotting." for Chloe it's "i want to know what's hurting you; i want to take it away." for Rachel it's "i want to see the depth of your sickness; i want you to hold it to my throat like the weapon you've made it into."

[sorrygotthesesacks]

Response to fic request (Malleus, Idia)

For @moody-b1tch, the only person who responded to my "give me two characters and I'll write a few lines of dialogue" invitation.

Which is probably a good thing, because this is ... I don't even know what this is.

Characters: Malleus, Idia, with extra bonus prompt: water

Which is included...metaphorically, I guess.

As usual, this kinda got away from me. Don't think it's good enough to post on AO3 - it's hardly good enough to post here on Tumblr - but it's 1221 words and I do love when the word count is a fun number like that.

Also: TIL that Tumblr has a limit of 30 tags per post. How did I learn this? No reason in particular.

Also also: It used to be 1221 words and then I panicked and rewrote some of it.

“Sometimes it’s better to forget. Pretend it never happened.”

“Is that how you truly feel, Shroud?”

“Gah! You look like you’re ready to incinerate me! Not that I think you’re gonna go all OP again. … Uh, you’re not, right?”

“It would be foolish to repeat such folly. Surely you, of all people, can agree.”

“Of course I agree! I’m just like. Not used to this heart-to-heart protag chat. I’m not some shounen manga hero with an 'I'm-all-fired-up!' speech, and even if I was, it’d be pretty cringe coming from me. Your guards are good at that sorta thing. Especially the big guy. He seriously likes to talk! Or Silver. He’s got that intense princely vibe.”

“Silver and Sebek have had much to say, but it is your thoughts that I am most interested in hearing.”

“Because I’m one of the SSR level problem children? You could talk to anyone else about this! Leona, he was big mad. Your guards were there; they can vouch. Or Riddle! That hothead was the first. He probably has some S tier thoughts on his experience.”

“SSR…? Shroud, I am interested in your thoughts. You hold the power to enter the underworld. To speak with those who have crossed to the other side.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! I can open the gate, but that was a one-time thing, going down there. You saw how that turned out.”

“I did not. I was at Night Raven College, if you recall.”

“Of course you were here. After you went all berserker mode, I don’t think Charon would’ve been enough to get you to the Island of Woe.”

“You could have simply invited me.”

“Invite the great and powerful Malleus to play a sim game? Are you for real?”

“I am quite real.”

“That’s not - yeah, okay. Anyway, it’s more like a curse, the gate opening thing, and not Pumpkin Knight level cool.”

“Is it not? Shoenheit, Rosehearts, and Kingscholar all mentioned that the closer one travels to Tartarus, the colder it gets.”

“I meant it wasn’t exactly fire. Not like … dragon fire, fire. I mean, it’s not…”

“Shroud. I am merely teasing. Is that not what friends do? Lilia and the Child of Man assure me that it is.”

“Friends?”

“We have spent time together. We have shared experiences. Are you telling me that is not common with friends?”

“You sound like Ortho.”

“Your sibling is wise indeed. I understand that it was he who prevented you from using your River Lethe. Come now, Shroud, surely you can agree that at least some of those memories were to be cherished.”

(Eep! Is he serious? Even if I had an IRL trap card to flip this, could I even use one against someone as OP as him?)

“Shroud, are you unwell?”

“I’m f-fine! HP is at max. Wait, what are you doing?”

“Calling Lilia so that he may assist me in translating.”

(Gah, is he really using a synchro summon?) “You don’t need to do that!”

“It appears I cannot. My phone screen is blank. Lilia will be rather cross.”

“Your phone’s broken?”

“It happens frequently. Lilia has told me many times to be careful. My lightning has broken several phones just this semester alone.”

“I, uh, can fix it.”

“You would do that?”

“Hee hee. It just needs to withstand high electrical input. EZ PZ.”

“Lemon squeezy.”

(Did he seriously just say ‘lemon squeezy?’)

“Shroud?”

“EEP! I mean, I was just surprised to hear you say that.”

“Is that not how it goes?”

“No! You got it right! It’s just weird hearing it from the Malleus Draconia.”

“Why is that?”

“It just is! Let me see your phone. I mean, if you trust me with it.”

“Here. You cannot possibly damage it more than I have.”

“How old is this phone? I haven’t seen one of these since pre-5G.”

“Can you repair it?”

“Of course I can fix it, but it needs a serious upgrade.”

“What would you like in exchange?”

“Huh? You don’t have to give me anything!”

“Of course. Because we we are friends.”

“No, we're not!"

“Is there something about myself that causes you hesitation?”

“It’s not that. It’s not you, it’s me.”

“I, too, would like everyone to forget what happened. What I did. The lengths to which I went in order to selfishly hold on to something - to someone - who is dear to me.”

“Where is all this heart-to-heart coming from?”

“If we are to be friends, we should be honest with one another. I have learned that by watching Lilia with Diamond and Al-Asim, and by listening to Silver and Sebek. It is not an easy thing, but I must start somewhere.”

“Why are you starting with me?”

“Because we have a shared experience. This ‘SRR problem child’ status.”

“SSR.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Ah, the uh, it’s SSR, not SRR. It stands for Super Super Rare.”

“That makes what we share uncommon.”

“Yeah, you, me, and five other people. Uh, here’s your phone.”

“You are done with it already?”

“I couldn’t upgrade it more with what I have here, but the screen is fixed, and it has lightning fast internet speed. No pun intended!”

“You do get so easily flustered around me. You are an interesting man, Shroud. Oh, I see Lilia has been trying to reach me. We must do this again.”

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Until we meet again.”

“Yeah, kthxbai.”

“Idia? Was that Malleus Draconia who just disappeared into thin air?”

“Hey, Ortho. Yeah.”

“You have made another new friend!”

“We’re not friends! My HP is critically low after that.”

“Your heart rate is accelerated, but the rest of your vital signs are within normal ranges. And I clearly heard Malleus Draconia state that you are friends!”

“I know you mean well, Ortho, but-”

“I think he needs a friend, too.”

“Malleus Draconia? Needing a friend?”

“We have spent time together. We have shared experiences. This ‘SRR problem child’ status.”

“Idia?”

“Yeah, Ortho?”

“You’re smiling.”

“I was just thinking about the new volume of the Mew Mew Chronicles manga!”

“Yes, I remember. It arrived in the mail just this morning.”

“So of course I’m excited. It’s the only good thing that’s happened since all of this started. I’m, uh, going to the store to pick up some snacks, if you want to go with me.”

(Your heart rate and eye movement tell me otherwise, Big Brother, but I am happy to see you happy.) “Of course! I’m interested in seeing the ingredients in this new mystery flavored fruit twist that Ace Trappola and Deuce Spade were arguing over.”

“It can’t be worse than last year’s pineapple-lemon-licorice mystery flavor.”

Ortho remembered that. It had been very popular the first two weeks, with numerous reactions posted to Magicam. After that, the only person purchasing it had been Lilia Vanrouge. His eyes lit up.

“You should buy some for Malleus Draconia and Lilia Vanrouge! And Silver and Sebek Zigvolt, too! And Cater Diamond, and Rook Hunt, and…”

By the time they were done, they’d purchased a mystery flavored candy twist for all of the third year students, all of the housewardens, plus Silver and Sebek Zigvolt, Ace Trappola and Deuce Spade, the Ramshackle prefect, and Grim (especially Grim).

Ortho’s analysis of the candy indicated the primary flavors were seaweed and cinnamon, and he could hardly wait to see everyone’s reactions.

Everyone's, but especially Idia’s newest friend, Malleus Draconia.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

sometimes it feels like I was not, am not, and never will be sick enough to actually talk about certain habits like actually have an eating disorder. obviously, I recognize that I use to be a lot worse than I am now, but because of that it's like all my support backed off as soon as they saw I was relatively better.

don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for all their love that they gave me when I was worse and reallyyy needed it, but now it kind of feels as if I need to be that bad again for anyone to care. for example,

I don't restrict as much like I use to.

I don't have as many bad habits (weighing myself, harming places where I felt I was fat, etc)

working out excessively

and more

but the thoughts and voices and urges just keep coming back. sometimes I act on them and then I'm guilty, so I eat, but then I'm even more guilty, so I don't, and the whole cycle continues. I'm scared that if I tell my support I feel as though I'm about to seriously relapse, they won't take it seriously enough.

I don't want to be as sick as I was several years ago for anyone to start to care.

I'm sorry you feel this way. You're definitely not alone. Eating disorders often come with a lot of shame as well as a "competitive side" for who can be the sickest. If something's telling you you're not "sick enough" in your eating disorder, consider that it could be your disorder itself talking. And I'm sorry your supports stopped as soon as you seemed surface-level well again.

While this may make you feel alone, I think people don't mean to leave you unsupported. Sometimes people get overwhelmed or busy and they overlook all but the most obvious signs of unwellness. I wonder if you could help people support you better by saying "hey, things aren't as bad as they once were, but if you're able, I feel like I could still use a few supports." Perhaps you could make a list in advance of what supports for you might look like at this stage. Perhaps focus on things that are not eating-disorder-related that make you feel cared about and included, so that you feel less of that "I need to be sick to be cared about" urge.

I don't necessarily think it's that people don't care, but more that they may not be adept at noticing what you need when signs are subtle. What would be a healthy way of seeking this connection? That's something to think about. Often people want to be helpful but may not know how when it's not spelled out for them, since each individual is so unique in their needs.

I mean, it's important to know that you're not alone in this struggle. Lots of people who are well into ED recovery still feel urges to relapse (including me.) This counts as a symptom and you are allowed to acknowledge about it, and talk about it to your supports. In fact, I think this is beneficial. From the way you worded this it sounds like you already know this, but I think it bears repeating to affirm: you don't need to be "sick enough" to deserve help. You are worthy and deserving of prevention. You don't have to earn this by showing sickness. You don't have to put yourself through the ordeal of getting worse. You count.

[remyfire]

Okay but BJ/Hawkeye/Sidney is such a good rare ship! One of the first MASH fics I read was for that OT3 before I even met 2/3 characters involved but GOD was it written so well and reminded me of another OT3 very close to my heart so I just sort of latched on lmao. And frankly it's tragic BJ never had any sessions with Sidney, because he definitely needed it. The man seriously struggled being away from home, let us see him deal with it in a healthy way!

Also aaaaaAHHHH I just watched An Eye for a Tooth and it was so good! I am so fond of Margaret and Hawkeye's friendship and this was such a good episode for that, and it was so nice to see a bit more of Margaret and BJ's friendship as well. It was such a delightful episode to watch all around, I loved all the silly pranks, and the way they all worked together at the end to mess with Charles because of COURSE they figured out he was behind it all, they're truly unstoppable when they put their heads together. And the subplot of Mulcahy wanting that promotion was great too, I always love seeing more Mulcahy storylines and just as much as I can get of him being an absolute sweetheart.

Also I'm complete garbage and relished in every one of the several shower scenes in this episode because mmmmm b o y s

I wish you could see me irl because I just chinhandsed when you said that was one of the first fics you read because I'm imagining that was Flootz's. Flootz, zir impact continues to be so widely spread and appreciated, god bles.

Honestly that's part of what I love so much about the Sidney and BJ dynamic, like, it is so underexplored, and you can easily say that it's because BJ is avoiding being alone with him to be analyzed, and that makes them so so much fun to write together. Just these extreme depths of potential, all the hidden secrets that can be dredged up, all the things BJ didn't actually realize that he buries. It gets me. I need a million more fics about them even if I have to write them all my damn self.

Eye for a Tooth is so much. It's so much. I'm not normal about it. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not normal about it because the overwhelming majority of people that I know saw That Moment with BJ and Margaret as something unsettling and frightening, and something is probably wrong with me as a person because I Was Not Unsettled At All. Maybe it was because I could tell from the moment that the scene started that something was in the water, so I wasn't actually surprised when it hit, but A, it gave me great characterization and sad-past fodder for young BJ, and B, the hand-holding. The hand-holding, anon. idk if you noted it but in the aftermath, BJ and Margaret are just holding hands literally the entire time until he helps her back to her feet, and it makes me goddamn tender every time. Even then, he is trying to comfort her! Even then, he's holding that lifeline so she can remember the Truth of what just happened! I'm unwell about it! That moment alone takes anything potentially frightening about that scene and obliterates it for me because that. One. Lingering. Handhold. Tells me that even before the scene began, BJ needed her to know that she was safe.

Don't look at me, I'm fine, and I'm very normal about them, don't listen to what anyone else tells you—

The Mulcahy subplot is so interesting to me because I understand him craving recognition because it is a long-running theme that Mulcahy doesn't think he's doing any good on the ground, but I would've loved to see them lean into a conflict inside of him, that he's seeking worldly favor over spiritual fulfillment, that sort of thing? It's probably the ex-evangelical in me but there would've been something so satisfying about him having to actually grapple with the fact that he is basically willfully going against his God-given directive of humility and caretaking through his pursuit of higher rank, higher pay, literally demanding these things from time to time. Very camel through the eye of a needle, right?

That's actually part of the reason I haven't done much with Mulcahy yet in my fics. I know I'm gonna want to dig into that with him but I also know it's going to necessitate a deep dive, and once I start getting into his head, I am not coming out for a very long time fhsdkfd I just really wanna bring these desires of his full circle.

(also the shower scenes are hot as hell and the chopper pilot wanted to blow Mulcahy's back out, I know this in my heart)

[ghostussy]

Secondo x Reader (Platonic! Think of it as like, a dad moment.)

     Secondo helping a young reader with arthritis. 

     Reader does use trans tape in this fic!

     The weather? Cold and rainy. My joints? slowly dying. Enjoy the fic. The reader can be as young as you want, as long as it is around working age. I am nineteen for context. 

/ / / 

     Secondo met you at the front door of the Ministry when you finally arrived home from work. He chuckled as he watched you run from your car to meet him, becoming soaked from the pouring rain in the process. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, escorting you to your quarters as quickly as possible. 

     This ritual started when you first came to the Ministry and could not find your way back to your bedroom after work. Often it would be late, and Secondo would be the only one left awake and wandering the halls. After several days of accidentally bumping into him and asking him to lead you back, he finally began meeting you at the front door. You did learn your way around with time, but still Secondo insisted on meeting you at the door. To be perfectly honest, you looked forward to meeting him each day. 

     “Secondo, please,” you pleaded as you turned another corner, “slow down. I cannot walk that fast.” 

     “Ah, bambino, whatever is the matter? Are you unwell?”

     “No, it’s just...” you cringed, stopping in your tracks as pain shot through all the joints in your legs. He stopped walking as well. “It’s arthritis.”

     “Arthritis?”

     “Yeah. It’s just because it’s raining, and cold.”

     “I understood that part; I have arthritis as well, you see.” He looked down at you. “What I do not understand is how you, a child, can have arthritis.”

     You let out a small laugh. “You and me both.” You took a few steps forward, limping slightly until the pain in your stiff joints subsided. “I have an autoimmune disorder that causes rheumatoid arthritis. Basically my immune system is not only attacking my thyroid, but my joints as well. Very annoying, very inconvenient.”

     He started walking next to you once again, though rather slowly to match your pace. “I see.”

     “It’s normally not this bad,” you continued, “I don’t have to take any medications for it. I’m sure that will change in the future, but for now it’s fine with just ibuprofen. Hey, how is yours not flared up right now? It’s raining, and cold outside. I’m jealous.” 

     “It was earlier, but I have taken some painkillers for it. It seems as though you’re having a much more difficult time walking that I certainly did. I just cannot believe it has occurred in somebody so young.”

     “Ah, well. I have a young mind, but a body that is as old as fuck.” You stopped once again, leaning onto a table for support. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” You felt the pain radiate throughout all the joints in your legs; it was more focused on your hips, but your knees were awful as well. It was becoming difficult to stand. 

    Secondo placed a hand on your back to steady you. “Are you alright?”

     “Oh, yeah. I’m fine,” the pain was evident in your voice. “I just need a second. Oh man, I cannot wait to crawl into bed and just pass the fuck out. I am so tired.”

     “Would you like me to carry you?”

     “It’s alright, Secondo. Don’t feel obligated, seriously. I’ll be fine in a sec.” You winced again as the pain unrelentingly throbbed in your ankles now. You could tell that they were swollen, as well as your knees. Your knuckles hurt like hell, and you could tell that they were definitely also swollen. Damn.

     He moved behind you, swooping you up into his arms effortlessly. “Our definitions of ‘fine’ differ greatly, child.” 

     The sudden lack of weight sent a dull ache through your bones, followed by a wave of relief. A tired sigh escaped your lips as you laid your head on his shoulder, relaxing into him a bit. “Oh. Thank you.” You wrapped your arms around his neck as he began walking to your room. You decided to make conversation.

     “Wanna know something stupid?” 

     “Do I?”

     “My elderly dog and I have one stupid thing in common. You’ll never guess what it is.” 

     “Arthritis?”

     “How’d you guess?”

     He shot you a look. “I’m just that smart, I suppose.”

     He stopped outside your door. “Do you have any epsom salt?”

     “No. Why would I?”

     “You need to take a bath with epsom salt. It works wonders,” He set you on your feet carefully. “I keep plenty on hand. Would you like me to get you some?”

     Though you hated to admit it, a hot bath sounded amazing. “Oh, please. Then I will purchase some more tomorrow.” 

     “Of course. Why don’t you run the water, and I will be right back with the salts?”

     “Sounds good to me.”

. . .

     He returned a few moments later with a hefty bag of the salt. You watched as he dumped quite a bit into the water, and you wondered if you really needed quite so much. 

     “Siamo pronti. As soon as it is full, you may get in. Would you like me to stay with you in case you need something?” You noticed the worry in his eyes. 

     You shrugged. “Sure, if you’re not doing anything else. Let me change first, though.” 

     “Ah, of course.” He stepped out of the bathroom, and you followed, moving slowly over to the dresser to find an old pair of shorts. You also grabbed a clean pair of pajamas to take with you as well, so that you could change once you were done. 

     You went back into the bathroom and changed into the shorts, then removed your shirt. You double checked that your trans tape was still in place, then allowed Secondo to enter the bathroom. 

     He held out his hand, helping you into the bathtub. You slowly sank into the hot water until you were covered up to your chin, feeling the heat seep through your aching bones and joints. You let out a breathy sigh, leaning your head back onto the side of the tub. Though the salt hadn’t begun to work yet, the heat alone was comforting enough that you felt as though you could fall asleep. Secondo watched as he took a seat next to the tub. 

     A few minutes of silence passed, and you felt the salt beginning to work. The pain relief was surprisingly fast, and liberating. It was the first time in several hours that you felt like you could move your joints freely without pain or stiffness. The aches and pains seemed to leak out of your joints, instead being seemingly replaced with a newfound drowsiness. Your head lulled back and your eyes closed in content.

     “Secondo?” You said finally, your voice barely above a whisper.

     “Yes?” 

     “This shit is fucking amazing.” You looked at him and opened your eyes. 

     He let out a laugh. “I am glad. I would be untruthful if I said that I did not have the same reaction the first time I tried it.” He reached over to you and ruffled your hair. “I am glad it is helping.” 

     You let out a small hum as you closed your eyes once more. You felt relaxed and comforted now that your pain was almost gone. You were getting more sleepy now as well. 

     The older man took note of this.

     Gently, he ran a hand through your hair, working through the knots and scratching lightly at your scalp. You allowed him to do so, lacking the energy to tell him to stop. It felt nice anyway. Steadily, your breaths evened out, and your heartbeat slowed. You felt yourself drifting off.

     A few moments later, Secondo stopped playing with your hair and tried to rouse you. After all, you couldn’t stay here all night. 

     “Cara, it is time to wake up. We must get you rinsed, then we will get you to bed. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

     You let out a sleepy whine, then opened your eyes. “Fine.” You pulled the plug on the drain, shivering as the water emptied slowly. “I’ll take a quick shower if you want to wait out there.”

     He nodded, stepping out of the bathroom. 

. . .

     Once you were showered and dressed in your pajamas, you also exited the bathroom. Secondo was sat on the bed, reading something on his phone. When he saw you he placed it down and walked over to you. “Are you feeling better now?”

     “Lots actually, thank you.” 

     “Of course. Now, I do believe it is time, ah, how did you put it? Oh! It is time for you to simply crawl into bed and pass the fuck out.”

     “Yes, it certainly is.” You covered a yawn with your hand. “Although, do you want to stay and watch a movie with me first? It is still early yet.”

     “Ah- sure, why not.”

     Not long after, the two of you were settled in your bed amongst the large collection of blankets and stuffed animals that you kept. He sat up, leaning slightly against the headboard. You were curled up next to him, head on his chest as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder. The room was dark, only illuminated by the light of the tv. Quietly, you stifled a yawn; if you thought you were exhausted earlier, you were twice as tired now. The pain seemed to have taken quite the toll on you. 

     Secondo looked down at you, noticing your sleepy look. He rubbed your arm as you curled further into him. He allowed you to do so; after all, he knew better than anyone what it felt like to deal with unrelenting joint pain. He was glad that he could be your source of comfort; though he truly wished that you hadn’t needed it at your young age. Nonetheless, you suffered, and would continue to suffer with your condition in the future. For now though, you were safe and content, sleeping within his secure hold as the rain poured down outside. 

[sourdough-morbread]

No pressure but could we get some excerpts/thoughts about master, king, star 😔🤲

OMG HI HELLO! yes OF COURSE you can have all the excerpts! thank you so much for letting me giving me a reason to anon i love you im going to cry. im. hyperfntilating seriously this ask made me so happy! i was having a very hectic week.

I don't really know how to organise this so I apologise in advance that this is going to be a bit all over the place. I think I should start with some stuff about the upcoming chapter because it has been a stupid amount of time since chapter 2. This is the header on my draft on ao3:

Chapter 3: Whose Loss Is It Anyway? (The Bet I) Summary:

Among the mages of Daeho, lost friendships are plentiful, and they all suck at talking to each other.

There's a lot that's going to happen. There's going to be some Seo Yul and more of Heo Yun-ok. And there isn't a lot of time I can breeze through like chapter 2 with the ten day time skip. I'm also setting up some stuff with Heo Yun-ok and how energy works for building out detail in what's going on with Jin Bu-yeon and Cho Yeong later. All of that has to go into the chapter somehow without making it a disjointed slog to read. Its going to be a long one. I'm guessing over 10k. Could be 12k. I don't know. It feels like it's too long but I also have no idea what to cut out.

But anyway! Here's some of what's coming:

"Your Highness," he greets after coming just close enough for the jade to stop nudging at his heart and puts it away. "Jang Uk," says the prince, and does the same with a severe look to his face, just like the one he had in Cheonbugwan. Then he spots the sword in Jang Uk's hand, "Why do you have that with you?" "You called me here at the dead of morning," he states the obvious, "I didn't know what I was going to be walking into." "Were you concerned I was in danger?" he asks, disbelief replacing his severity and scoffs a laugh, "Did you come here to defend me?" He looks so pleased with himself. Like a peacock admiring his own tail feathers. How obnoxious. "I just came prepared." The Crown Prince continues his evaluation, trailing his eyes up and down Jang Uk. Without the jade interfering with his emotions, he is quickly growing very upset about the flippant manner with which he is being made into entertainment. "You look so conspicuous," the prince says with a scoff of laughter. … He can't believe he let himself be concerned over the Crown Prince, of all people!

Go Won and his problems with socialising make me giggle so much. He just HAS to comment on Jang Uk's dishevelled clothes. Just like he HAS to say Mu-deok definitely will lose the race or fail the exam. He has no idea what encouragement is, just like Mu-deok, because they were both traumatised by the same person.

Honestly, the similarities between Mu-deok and Go Won are just… I am unwell about them. They both compensate for feeling affection and compassion by being mean or immediately criticising whatever is going on. And anything real has to have a hurtful side to it to them. If its not mean, it feels like its a lie. Because the only positive feedback they got was cruel and reinforced that they were disposable.

For Go Won it looks like him randomly insulting people when he's trying to make friends and feeling like he has to defend his position as the Crown Prince constantly. For Mu-deok it's her insanely blunt feedback and interpreting affection as a danger to herself. Her own well being is not even a factor in her decisions. Both of which makes them so easy to manipulate and use.

At the point Master, Star, King picks up the story, Mu-deok has moved away from this somewhat, but Go Won still has a long way to go. He will get there, but it's not going to be easy.

Speaking of Go Won and Mu-deok, here's a bit of them talking coming up in chapter 3:

"Have…" she scoots closer, with a dramatic glance at the door, then puts one knee on the floor and leans over the other towards him, "Have you noticed anything else strange like that, Your Highness?" she asks in a half whisper. It's just the right mix of nervous and fascinated, as if there is no ulterior motive to this at all. Just a silly question from a silly maid to serve her own morbid curiosity. He raises a knowing eyebrow at her, "Worried for your Young Master, are you?" Her eyes grow wide and she nods, "Oh, yes, I am, Your Highness! I knew would understand," she said and sighs in seeming relief, "That's why I am asking you. If anything amiss was going on, you would be sure to pick up on it." "Of course I would have," he says, his tone even and guarded, "I'm the Crown Prince." Her focus locks on him, eyes razor sharp. He can imagine them glint like a sword in the sunlight moving into position, but she masks it with her signature kowtowing, "So you did notice something weird!"

He's trying to out-conversation Mu-deok as if that can ever happen. This part is subject to change becasue there is somethig off about this scene in particular, but the dialogue will probably stay the same.

I have other parts from chapter 3, but they are subject to major editing, or huge plot spoilers. The general flow of this I've had worked out since posting the previous chapter but it takes a while for me to be happy with it. That's why it takes me so long to post anything. Also right now I have a lot of IRL stuff to keep up with, that has slowed me way down. But things are starting to settle and I'm speeding up, so fingers crossed.

I don't know what else to say really. This is already way too long of a post lkfjlsdf. If you want more or anything else specific please tell me.

But I have a bit from farther down the line, when Go Won is firmly on their side and all of their feelings start getting very confusing. I've been dying to post this ever since I wrote it like months ago. So I will finish this off with that.

Go Won notices Jang Uk staring at him again, with an expression he can only describe as wonder. A slight upturn to his eyebrows, cheeks flushed from how much they have had to drink and a pout. He keeps eye contact with Jang Uk for just a little too long before looking away. It's enough to make him feel disoriented. Mu-deok is across them, trying to shake out the last little bits of alcohol from the bottle into her mouth. He feels too uneasy to draw her attention. She doesn't like this new habit of Jang Uk's. Him watching Go Won. "What is it?" "You know what you remind me of?" He stays silent. From across the table, Mu-deok sets down the bottle, frowning. "What?" "A tiger." Only after the answer sinks in does Go Won realise he had been half expecting an insult. Why was he expecting an insult from Jang Uk? That's so stupid. "A tiger?"

According to my outline this is coming up in chapter 9 (Three Seasons Worth of Welcome). I know I post very slow but this fic has a fairly detailed outline, beyond to Jang Uk and Cho Yeong getting married. And it should get easier to write the further I get, because right now I'm setting up plot threads and figuring out their pay offs in like 7 or 8 chapters later. When I get to them I will have a lot less to figure out. I will finish this fic if it's the last thing I do.

Anyway, thank you so much for giving me a reason to ramble about this on tumblr! I hope you see this and and enjoy it!

[nbmsports]

Diamond Ranch Academy: School for 'troubled teens' ordered to shut down after deaths of students | US News

A school for so-called "troubled teens" which claimed to fix teenagers with behavioural problems was ordered to shut down by the state government, who cited the deaths of multiple students. Taylor Goodridge, 17, died with sepsis, a blood infection caused by an abdomen infection in December. At the time, she was a student at Diamond Ranch Academy, one of hundreds of controversial "troubled teen" schools across the United States.A Sky News investigation earlier this year spoke to staff members who said Taylor was vomiting repeatedly in the days and weeks before she died, but was not taken seriously by certain employees.Teenagers with behavioural problems would often first arrive at the school after being snatched from their beds by strangers and bundled in to the back of a van.

Image: Diamond Ranch Academy has been ordered to close down Now, Diamond Ranch Academy has closed down after the Utah State Licensing Board revoked its operating licence.It recorded a finding of "severe physical neglect" against the school's assistant medical director and noted the deaths of two additional students in previous years.Taylor's grieving father, Dean Goodridge, says the decision to close the school offers some solace."I hugged my kids when I found out," he tells Sky News, "I told them that their sister did it. This is Taylor, she's getting a place shut down that needs to be shut down. But I know that the fight isn't over. I'm going to do as much as I can to use Taylor's name and what she went through to make sure another child never goes through that again." Spreaker This content is provided by Spreaker, which may be using cookies and other technologies. To show you this content, we need your permission to use cookies. You can use the buttons below to amend your preferences to enable Spreaker cookies or to allow those cookies just once. You can change your settings at any time via the Privacy Options. Unfortunately we have been unable to verify if you have consented to Spreaker cookies. To view this content you can use the button below to allow Spreaker cookies for this session only. Enable Cookies Allow Cookies Once Click to subscribe to the Sky News Daily wherever you get your podcastsAn autopsy report found that Taylor was unwell for more than a week before she died and staff members noticed she had a distended stomach but despite asking to be taken to the hospital, she never was."To be absolutely clear, her death was entirely avoidable," Utah state senator Mike McKell says, "she had an infection. It easily could have been treated. The fact that she couldn't receive medical care, I think the action by the state not to renew that licence is entirely appropriate." Twitter This content is provided by Twitter, which may be using cookies and other technologies. To show you this content, we need your permission to use cookies. You can use the buttons below to amend your preferences to enable Twitter cookies or to allow those cookies just once. You can change your settings at any time via the Privacy Options. Unfortunately we have been unable to verify if you have consented to Twitter cookies. To view this content you can use the button below to allow Twitter cookies for this session only. Enable Cookies Allow Cookies Once Model and socialite Paris Hilton campaigned for the closure of Diamond Ranch Academy. She attended a different "troubled teen" facility in Utah and claims she suffered physical and sexual abuse. She has now become a vocal advocate for reform of the industry, lobbying state and national government.Ms Hilton tweeted: "I am shaking, I am so excited to share that Diamond Ranch Academy is CLOSING!!!! The state held this facility accountable, and I am so happy they can no longer abuse kids."In a statement Diamond Ranch Academy said: "The decision to cease operations has been spurned by unfair treatment from the State of Utah which has consistently demonstrated its lack of concern for the safety, well-being, and treatment of youth in programs. Additionally, the Utah State Department of Health Services and CPS failed to provide due process to DRA and have made false allegations against the DRA's assistant medical director and DRA which will be refuted in court." Source link Read the full article

[creaturebehavior]

damn. life hurts. i think i’ve been having a really hard time.

i feel like i will never get out of this hole because the world wasn’t designed for me. i get burnt out every time i try to do what everybody else is doing

all i want is to run away. i have no income and nowhere to run.

i wish i at least had money for drugs.

i can’t believe i’m alive. i don’t want to do this anymore. i can’t wake up to this anymore.

i wish i at least could afford to use drugs. i can’t believe how suicidal i feel today. i haven’t felt this way in a really long time.

i wish i could be more normal. all i want is to work a little job and to make enough to get my needs met but i can’t even hold a conversation with a human or barely leave my house

I feel trapped. and i know if i try to kill myself again i’ll just end up not getting the help i need like every other time and for some reason i can never fucking die like i just won’t die i always live no matter how many overdoses or seizures are car crashes or the whole town burning down while i’m driving through it in my car but for some cruel reason i just won’t die.

i have to find another way. i’m honestly kind of afraid to die but i’m also so afraid to keep on living. i think if i were to seriously attempt suicide again, i would try carbon monoxide poisoning in my car in the garage but i’m just afraid i would have too much time to change my mind. i always think a lot about hanging myself so that i can’t change my mind but i can’t find anywhere in my house to hang myself from.

idek. i’ve been having a really bizarre week, mentally. i lot of flashbacks. a lot of dreams. a lot of recent fumbled social interactions m, reinforcing my fear of interacting with people. a lot of awareness around my behavior, past and present and how toxic of a person i’ve always been. i don’t know how to heal from this or change. i’m in so much pain all the time i’m such a selfish person, i’m just like my dad, my whole life is about how much pain i’m in and making it every im else’s problem. This is the reason why i avoid people and isolate myself from everyone, because i don’t know how to behave. i don’t know how to not act out. i don’t know how to regulate my emotions. i don’t know how to filter my thoughts. even if it’s accidental, i am rude. i feel feral. i feel completely detached from the song and dance everyone does with each other. i have such low empathy. i find it hard to care about anybody. i’m so burnt out, i find it hard to continue to politely pretend i care about anybody.

i’m clearly very unwell. at least i’m aware of it now, right? i just can’t fathom how i’m gonna get better. i’m exhausted. i don’t know how to try to care i don’t know how to be better. i cut myself off from the world. i try so hard in my little interactions when i run my necessary errands and i try to be nice but i still am accidentally rude and i come off very strangely. whenever i’m stone cold sober i appear to be on drugs because i’m so out of touch with reality and i’m so mentally fucked in the head. don’t know what it is. severe dissociation and anxiety i guess. I have been having to confront my internalized ableism as i haven’t been this sick in awhile, and the older i get the slightly more self aware i’m becoming. I realize how visibly ill i am. and it’s been difficult to bring that around other people because i feel so much shame being as.. out of whack… as i am. i wish i could hold it in but i just can’t mask anymore. i got so burnt out and i’m so sick.

ugh. i don’t know how i’m gonna get past this. i know something obviously needs to change. clearly i need some kind of help but i’m scared to get vulnerable with more mental health professionals. i’ve had some bad experiences in recent history that really messed up my relationship with therapy and treatment. i’ve developed trust issues that i know i’m going to have to get over but they are very real. my last therapist made me feel worse at every session but i kept seeing her because i was convinced it was a me problem, because i have a really difficult time opening up to people already. we didn’t click but i saw her for like two years because i thought i just needed to warm up to her because i already have trouble trusting anybody. and now i’m all screwed up cuz we had so many bad sessions i can barley remember what it’s like to have a good therapy session and when i reflect on all the years i’ve been in therapy and i’ve only really connected with one therapist out of idek what feels like countless therapists i’ve tried. It’s so hard to find someone i feel i can be open with.

idek. i feel stuck

[philosophicalparadox]

An educational post for writers: the effects of malnutrition/starvation:

Malnutrition/starvation has a bunch of really fucky effects, and I see whump people use malnutrition/starvation from time to time, (i am utilizing it now, hence the post) but rarely do they depict the horrific suffering. I have actually starved before, so here's my medically accurate advice on what that looks like:

Among the most prominent of effects of lack of food/lack of nutritious food ironically not depicted, for it is the most common nutritional deficit on earth, is anemia - lack of iron means your body doesnt produce blood like it used to, which at a point makes you cold all the time! It also messes with your bodily sense of blood pressure, making you more likely to notice tiny changes, which in turn can trigger dizziness, severe anxiety, heart palpitations, fainting, and vascillations between cognitive clarity and a foggy feeling. Lack of iron causes lack of red blood cells, which means you can't distribute oxygen as efficiently. This causes fatigue, a general sense of unwellness, called "malaise", and causes you to breathe and your heart to beat faster than they normally should. This, in turn, can trigger more anxiety! Anemia is a very anxiety inducing deficiency on its own because your body knows it's in trouble and it definitely wants to tell you about it!

It only takes about 3-4 days without food to develop anemia to this degree, though it can take as little as 2 if you already have deficits. If you are eating food but it's lacking in iron this transition can take 2-3 weeks, as your body uses up its iron reserves located in your liver, spleen and bone marrow (where red blood cells are produced).

Malnutrition and especially starvation also screws with your electrolytes, making you prone to dizzy spells and vertigo, and can seriously affect the myelin sheathes around your nerves and the delicate proteins in your brain, which combined with electrolyte imbalance and probable anemia can cause anything from blurred vision, headaches, fatigue and cognitive impairment (pervasive brain fog), at best, all the way up to the moderate landing of muscle spasms and ataxia (loss of coordination) and functional loss of senses like sight and hearing, to the severe landing of seizures and total organ failure. Also, malnourished muscles hurt!!! They hurt to touch, they hurt to move, it hurts to exist!

I once went 8 full days with little to no food, so I know this stuff from experience. Let me tell you, hunger pains are God fucking awful and paradoxically make you feel very nauseous and can cause vomiting, (your body wants to get rid of the concentrated stomach acid) and are truly indescribable in their instinctual ability to instill desperation, depression and terror. You would eat a lot of things you never thought you would after just three days without food. At 8, I was very strongly considering eating my pet birds. I had already begun eating their seeds. The only thing that saved them was one measly bag of potato chips, the very last thing resembling human food in the pantry (the vending machine size chips) on day 6, which gave me just enough salt and fat to rethink that idea.

Anyway, muscles! Hurt!!! Especially if you don't eat a lot of protein to start out. Muscular degeneration or "digestion" (ketosis) can happen surprisingly fast if you arent eating anything at all. 5-7 days usually if you are healthy, though 3 is not unheard of, especially if you are expending a lot of calories and have very little fat. It's quirky hallmark? A strangely sweet and metallic taste in your mouth. Like a penny coated in sugar water. The ache is hard to describe, but it is constantly there, and honestly wore me down psychologically more than the hunger pains, which curiously went away after day 4, only coming back with a vengeance when I tried to eat anything. It hurt to move, it hurt to think about moving, and the constant low level pain was absolute torture. The fatigue didn't help. I normally slept about 6-9 hours. During that time after day 3 or so, I started sleeping 15 or more, in bursts, and had very little energy to do anything but rest. Every now and then I'd get a burst of restlessness, my body pushing me to find food or drink water. It was unpleasant. The headaches were pretty bad too, at first.

Malnutrition, and specifically a lack of protein, also causes pervasive muscle aches and all the neurologic issues mentioned above.

My experience led me to the development of ataxia that has never completely gone away. I remember the panic of nearly blacking out while trying to stand too, and not being able to cognitively focus on anything, much less visually focus. (Started about day 5). Mind you, I was 15 years old and weighed only 89 lbs prior to this period, with a fast metabolism and very little fat. After it I weighed 81 lbs. 8lbs in 8 days is a lot of weight to lose, and boy did my body hate me for some time after that. But my insomnia was cured for a while!

Anyway, i hope this proves insightful for all your whumping and torturous needs. I didn't plan on making it so personal, but hey, I've lived through that, so it seemed relevant to add that here.

Happy writing!

[ottiliere]

Ok so, 2 things

1. Oh? System Dirks are coming in here to show their appreciation? Because ours also DEVOURS this AU. It is genuinely so relatable and cathartic. When people don't think sharing vent art is good, I point at this AU and how it shows the ugly side of recovery so perfectly.

2. I was idly scrolling through the JTHM tag as I do frequently and got such intense whiplash seeing your recent post about asks in it. Like. Complete opposite side of our dash radar. What is this I hear about a JTHM ask?? I am fascinated already I font care if it's related to Dirk or not I just genuinely would love to hear your thoughts on it.

1) pulling all the dirks who follow me in for a hug through the walls of my plastic isolation bubble. it really makes me so happy to hear this. I can't give an extended answer to this point because I spent so much time talking about the next one but I hope you feel the mind waves of love I am bombarding you with.

2) The ask I got was in fact about Dirk, but as I'm drafting it it is...drifting...very much...into being about JTHM. "hear my thoughts on it" … this would be nothing shorter than a dissertation. I think about JTHM very often. I don't think it's possible for me to be concise about this in any sense of the word.

JTHM, to me, is one of the formative experiences that made me who I am. It is one of my favorite pieces of fiction ever made, that I have ever engaged with, and I know for a fact I will struggle to find something that is told in such a captivating way from an author with such an open soul. I discovered fanart of it by chance on DeviantArt, and, being naturally drawn towards edgier themes, searched everywhere on the internet until I found it uploaded onto some woman's livejournal account. I was obsessed with JTHM for a very, very long time. I reread it periodically, once or twice a year, and I have been doing this since I was 12. It has heavily influecned the way I go about making art and telling stories and engaging with everything I watch or read or what have you.

Everything about this comic blew my mind as a child, artistically absolutely, thematically especially. The narrative style that is glib with occasional moments of morose clarity that never lasts too long... we will never see anything like the suicide scene in anything else ever written again, of that I'm sure. It is unique in its existence. once you read that it unlocks something in your brain and you just can't go back. Multiplied by a million if you read it at a formative age you weren't really supposed to be reading it. Like homestuck.

Nny... he is the base of the character trope I always return to in fiction, usually unconsciously. I didn't realize that what I was doing to dirk mirrored nny until some friends pointed it out... it is a fascinating phenomenon. He is the first of his kind I have ever encountered in anything, ever. Blatantly unwell, the focus of a story that isn't necessarily slotting him into an antagonistic role. Like, he's the protagonist who I guess is also the antagonist but he's also a human. He's this guy with severe mental illness who is lead around like a puppet on strings first by the society that torments him for existing and then by the creature living in his walls that steals his memory and cognitive ability and manipulates him into doing his bidding. I had never seen that before? Usually I am not one for "made mentally ill by inorganic sources" trope, but the fact that it's stated in the comic that he was already seriously unwell before he became a flusher... it's just sad. He is not a good person, but his life is inherently tragic and the outcome of a society that does not care for him, or people like him, at all. forgive me for the comparison, but he is like the joker 2019. I mean this in a way that I love joker 2019. if you didn't like joker, well. sorry. but it's true.

This ties in, obviously, with the way that Jhonen goes about fiction: he does whatever he wants, to an extent. I have recently very closely befriended some individuals and while pondering how we were meshing so well on the creative side of htings, it eventually came to light that the singlemost defining moment in our lives was how we all read JTHM at a very young age. And it is insane, stepping back and looking at all of our narrative and art styles and seeing that the similarities we've all evolved independently stemmed from JTHM, in addition to our view of what it's like to be an artist. we are but jhonen's warriors in a world that is currently characterized by a very homogenized mixture of “art”. I mean, just look at the current box office trend. look at the “genre” that is marvel movies. not that I don’t enjoy marvel movies, I DO like them, my loki phase was strong and hard, but objectively... these things are what they are: mass-produced consumables. there is a reason people got excited when it was announced that Cronenberg was making a new film (which was awesome btw); art is dying. milquetoast narratives, stories afraid to push boundaries and be "weird", authors not trusting the audience to pick up on their intended message so instead of leaving it just a little ambiguous, they must instead spoonfeed it to every reader... There is some equation of what it means to make art and how it equates with your moral standing; my stance has always aligned with dear Jhonen's.

in a way my view of the world is the direct inverse of nny's; I truly believe in the best of people, I love humanity, I love the world and I am fundamentally incapable of being outwardly cruel towards others. my natural setting is to logically empathize, to put myself in the shoes of other people and look at their life the way they're living it. there is nothing more important to me than showing unconditional positive regard towards others. I have not always been this way. I used to foster great amounts of animosity in my heart for the things that have been done to me. I used to be an abjectly miserable person, I used to be violently suicidal every day for years and years and years etc. now though... I don't know how to describe it. something alights upon you after vast quantities of self-reflection, detached from the scrying eyes of swathes of people, of strangers, fandom most relevantly but I do also mean society as a whole. at this point in my life there is nothing more important to me than being a nice person, and helping others in what ways I can. if that's through posting raw depictions of mental illness, I will happily do so. I didn't realize that people didn't KNOW they can do this, and it is heartwarming that I can touch people in such a way even parasocially. I have worked on myself, I love people and I love when people are weird and their true creative selves because that is what the world needs in this day and age. art is dying. If you let bitterness into your heart it will consume you. it will cloud your judgment and prevent you from making a true connection to the medium, it will block you from making what you REALLY want to make. It will poison how you interact with other humans on a fundamental level, if you are constantly walking into interactions suspecting the worst intentions.

it almost seems like critical thinking is a dying skill...or, at least, it is when it comes to interacting with art and not relying on other people to tell you what to think. but even still I still do not hold ire towards those who seek me harm for what I make. I do not answer many of the asks I get on purpose, the death threats, etc... because these people are hurting in a multitude of ways, and they have not yet learned how to cope with their own pain. You could call being an optimist a character flaw, maybe it is. I don't know. That is, for better or worse, the epitome of what I am: an unrelenting pollyanna who believes in the best of people and the potential they have to heal. The one anon hate I got about the AU months ago that I actually deigned with an answer; they eventually came off anon and admitted they were just frustrated they didn't know how to properly use tumblr's UI to filter me off their dashboard and displaced their emotions onto me. They apologized. Such is life. We are all humans inhabiting this great big earth and I love to love people. contrary to what I depict in my art, I am a very happy person. I love my friends and I'm currently in a very good life situation with occasional downfalls and eventual upturns. Jhonen, I know, as stated in the second interview image, was often like this as well. nny was a speakerphone for little observations about life and pessimism; he was a character, a means to tell a story.

so ya I guess those are some of my thoughts about JTHM. not all of them though. here’s some nny

[awsugar]

okay but rank frank’s hair through the years bestie

i’m taking this so seriously. maybe too seriously. 2007 long hair 2010 long hair 2013 long hair 2015 long hair 2017 long hair and 2020 long hair are all DIFFERENT ok. trust me. i’ll be ranking them in terms of how much i like them but i could alternatively also rank them in terms of stupidity...that’s a post for another time.

without further ado: mack’s definitive ranking of frank’s hair. this is long as fuck. you’ve been warned.

ok i know i said long hair is different and it IS but for my own sanity i have decided not to rank EVERY time frank’s hair has been some level of short and brown. only the ones that stand out to me.

32. short yellow dreads. what even was this. doesn’t even have the our sweet baby charm. dead last.

31. dreads. objectively also the worst. there’s something sweet about him in that era like our sweet baby is not to be underestimated but for ranking purposes it is the worst.

30. hiatus hair. wasn’t a fan of this at all. can’t pinpoint why.

29. 2008 hair. this is like non-hair. try harder.

28. 2013 long hair. many of you know that long hair frank is truly my beloved. but this just didn’t do it for me.

27. current hair. god has left the building. but i think he can bring it back.

26. late 2014 hair. not long or short enough. make up your mind.

25. turtle hair. both because this is from the snippy video and because he looks a little bit like a turtle. now don’t me wrong he was FIIIINE in this era but it was 0 to do with the hair and 100% to do with the beef.

24. basic tbp hair. nothing wrong with it but nothing great about it either. it just exists. 

23. medium length revenge hair.

22. head tattoo hair. this was a heinous crime.

who did this to him

21. shrine hair. not as severe as head tattoo hair. he looked great from the front!

but from the side? questionable

20. 2014 long on top. this is where we switch over from hair i dislike or am indifferent about, to hair i like.

19. buzzcut/really short. this covers both bullets and dd. what can i say he’s pretty and he can pull it off

(edit by @cocaineandtoupees)

18. 2015 long hair. it’s like. yes you are beautiful and breathtaking. but also you remind me of an oompa loompa why is it sticking straight up like that. 

17. early 2016 hair. like this is just some man but fuck if he isn’t pretty.

16. red hawk. iconic yes but it doesn’t hit as hard as its blonde counterpart.

15. shaggy 2015 long hair. it’s different to the oompa loompa. this is what i call puppy hair.

14. australia 2016 hair. i can’t find a proper photo that does it justice but check out these gifs by @iero. legendary and spectacular.

13. leathermouth dean winchester. there are like 4 pics of this and i wish there were more.

12. 2010 long hair with the blonde streak in the back. top points for combining long hair and peak stupidity. i would love to know what inspired this.

11. regular revenge hair with the devilock tucked to the side. SO stupid. as far as haircuts go. i’m obsessed. 

10. 2021 reverse revenge hair. we’re in the home stretch now. don’t know what’s going on here king but keep up the good work the bisexuals are losing their minds.

9. barriers hair. as far as frank’s many forays into short brown hair this is pretty much peak. 

8. 2007 long hair. what else is there to say. my love.

7. fuzzy blonde hawk. when it started to grow out...that’s it own haircut.

6. 2017 long hair. this did so much for us as a society. this pic exists somewhere without the watermark but oh my god. this gives me symptoms.

5. faux hawk with streaks. reminds me of those black and brown cats. just pretty. i promise you this is not the same as orange faux hawk. i promise.

4. orange faux hawk. speak of the devil. i don’t know why i love this so much but it’s the best. was the color intentional? was it not? we’ll never know.

3. long blonde. are you surprised to see this up so high? this photo changed the trajectory of my life. i was skeptical when he first debuted it in those pizza photos with a hat on but this?? incredible.

2. blonde hawk. ESPECIALLY with the freshly shaved/dyed sides. probably the most iconic look of all time and VERY close to being my number one favorite.

and drumrolllll.......

1. i’m not okay hair. yes this gets it’s very own. it’s incredible. never been done before never to be done again. 

literally exquisite. if you made it through this whole thing congrats. now it’s possible that you’re just as unwell as i am.