#no bc these were my exact thoughts
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Polyamory is not inherently bad or toxic, it just has higher demands on time and energy to manage multiple relationships, which means people who would arguably struggle to manage an entirely mono relationship are going to struggle even more in a poly one, and due to the interlocking relationships and elevated public scrutiny, that’s going to be viewed as much messier than it would otherwise.
#my stuff#i usually let more eloquent reblogs articulate my thoughts but whagthever#i know and care abt several poly ppl. it’s not remarkable#one of the main reasons it gets so much flak is it’s just easier to be bad at it faster than being mono#like there’s constraints of time and money in energy in all relationships#and if you’re bad at managing that it’s gonna be way more obvious if you try to be poly bc you’ll fail way more dramatically#but in the exact same ways as if you were mono#it’s not special or enlightened or toxic or anything it just fucking IS
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here have an idea that came to me at 5am
oh also blue addison in a skirt. we do not have enough addison in a skirt representation. please guys
#fun fact the reason why i gave blue addi a skirt is bc i was reading system rebooting and i misread smth smth dress shirt as smth smth dress#so i assumed that they were wearing a dress and literally until the end of the fic i imagined them in a dress#then i doodled a doodle of blue addi in a dress and absolutely loved it and it has stuck#oh also chubby yelow#idk i thought it would be boring to just draw the exact same body type for all the addis#and also thought that my art needed more diversity other than weirdly long and lanky cus i wanna#butidk if it will stick#so far i have had a LOT of designs#anyways#deltarune#spamton#blue addison#pink addison#orange addison#yellow addison
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chapter 1 trial
#i think my biggest achievements in making these was being able to condense the trials into a few basic panels#each trial ended up needing more n more dialogue but seeing how long the in game trials are im pretty proud of myself#i only did ever sketch out the first three trials tho my sketches have taken me just up to the chapt 4 trial which i ever started at all#oh also i made sure to always keep the order of the characters in the trials true to the game#everyone is placed in the exact same 'seats' as they are in the real game#that was tough at times bc sometimes i wanted dialogue between characters who were nowhere near each other#but it was also a good opportunity to make me use characters i normally wouldnt have thought to use#and i couldnt just give dialogue to my favourite characters lol#and sometimes it worked out really well where the characters i wanted interacting did happen to be next to each other#sdr2#super danganronpa 2#ok here we go#hajime hinata#teruteru hanamura#mikan tsumiki#chiaki namani#nagito komaeda#peko pekoyama#is that everyone#mahiru koizumi#there we go#my art
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adhd is when you shoot for the moon but you forgot the rocket fuel and by the time you realize it everyones already on the moon and then you panic and crash into the sun and it explodes
#my meds stopped working and i didnt know thats something that can fucking happen apparently???#like i knew eventually my body can get used to medicine that the effect kind of dulls but for some reason this time around i thought#that my body just decided to become lazier since the meds were already working anyway. cuz thats the thing as soon as smth is made#easier for me even if its the thing thats supposed to make the disability less disabling i get too relaxed and end up fucking up anyway#so i assumed my fucking cells worked the same way LMAO. they still technically work like i can feel my energy spike when it kicks in#but everything else like focus and memory went down and i thought oh so its just a me problem then. my habits are getting worse#even though ive been doing everything the same like setting reminders checking my schedule. hell ive been setting MORE reminders#to make up for the memory thing and i didnt even realize i just knew i had to compensate since it feels like my memory is getting#worse again. and i only figured this out bc my brother showed me an icecreamsandwich video with him talking about the EXACT FUCKING#THING IM GOING THRU WORD FOR WORD#i have to bring this up with my doctor next week so maybe i have to take different meds. i wonder if this will be a recurring thing#i guess one thing that hasnt changed is that im still slow as hell and stuff only comes to me 5 hours after the fact#its 6 in the morning and i only JUST realized that the word froyo is probably short for frozen yogurt#yapping#adhd
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is yamaguchi tadashi having a slut era in college a universally agreed upon headcanon
#i need to know who else is on board with this bc it makes so much sense to me#sofia and i were talking abt this earlier and it's spinning around in my little thought microwave (brain)#sia's exact words were 'no one deserves it more!' and who am i to disagree with a smart beautiful woman#hq hcs
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god why am i so fucking stupid. having adhd is truly a curse and i hate bearing it
#not to vent on main but. fml actually!#in my health assessment lab we had this case study assignment to do and i freaking. misunderstood all of it so bad#idk why but for some reason i thought we were supposed to make up a patient ourselves for it#…we were not#no :) we were not :) there’s a freaking. TEMPLATE for the exact patient we were supposed to do it on in the module#that i opened once and then forgot about because adhd just works like that#and now im literally . kmsing because we fucking . we fucking presented these orally in class#and i was only half paying attention bc i was (incorrectly) documenting my (made-up) patient information on the record#and i thought it was weird that like 2 or 3 people seemed to have VERY similar patients but did not question it further#…which is to say. i may be stupid.#and now i feel like dying because im gonna have to email my professor and TELL HER how stupid i am#and hope that she takes enough pity on me and my cursed brain to let me do it over properly#because my lab grade is now barely a 77 and i need a 75 to pass. and our final assessment is tomorrow.#i genuinely cannot live like this anymore im serious#i need a fucking brain transplant#anyway tl;dr guys please pray for me please please please im actually disintegrating rn#to delete later
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How evil is arlecchino and what is she cooking
As of 4.2, I’m really curious what they’re planning with Arlecchino as a character, especially as a villain/antagonist/morally dubious character, and how far/which direction they may go with that
Intuitively my impression is we’ll see her do something way more “villainous” than she presents herself as being for majority of Fontaine’s AQ in front of us right��(which isn’t a surprise given that, you know, Arlecchino nor the House of Hearth have never been presented as 110% ethical LOL) but I find myself not being in complete agreement with most analysis or speculation threads I see about Arlecchino’s morality and the like, level of sinister people seem to ascribe to her.
Idk how to put it, especially in regards to her children I do agree they are not a wholesome found family, that Arlecchino is not above pulling strings or using them for her own ulterior motives, but I kind of hesitate on the idea she only cares about the Hearth children as a means to the end/things she can control and there’s nothing else going on with her characterization wise there. I’m not saying that impression seems remotely unreasonable or unfounded, but just that it feels there’s something intentionally missing in how we are supposed to conceptualize her as a person
My main reasoning for this hunch is the fact they have not elaborated on Arlecchino and the previous Knave—who Arlecchino is stated to have taken over the position from by force. The extra tidbits I think about are that 1) Arlecchino was previously an orphan in the Hearth 2) the previous Knave is described as way, way crueler to the children of than Heart than Arlecchino was from when she took control of the House
Often, people’s major indicators that the House of the Hearth is kind of super fucked up are the NPCs we meet in world quests who are part of it and clearly suffering. But one thing I haven’t ever seen people mention w this that i think is a very interesting detail is, in The Very Special Fortune Slip Inazuma worldquest, where we stop this House of Hearth guy (Efim Snezhevich) from manufacturing tension between Watasumi/the Shogunate to restart the war with his other Hearth subordinates, at the end of the quest we get this dialogue that reveals he had been acting under the previous Knave’s directives:
It’s also mentioned he’s employing this plan in an attempt to “rebuild the prestige of the Knave” following Signora’s death, iirc? Now, see, the dialogue itself says that this is “assuming our captive is telling the truth” so who knows what’s really going on, but I find this a really odd/interesting thing to highlight. I’m a bit fuzzy on other world quests with Hearth members, and am not saying none of them were acting and subsequently being treated poorly by our Arlecchino, but like, this gives me a lot of questions especially when paired with implications this previous Knave seemed to be way worse
Like, what drove Arlecchino to take over? How unexpected and controversial was this within the House? Assuming the above information is all true it definitely says something this guy went rogue and acted on what the previous Knave would want and didn’t think our Arlecchino would greenlight it, which does feel consistent with the previous Knave being described as basically worse & crueler than our Arlecchino. It also makes me question how much house of hearth things we’ve seen outside the main story are the work of our Arlecchino or if there’s a bigger divide of loyalty. Heck, I could be wrong but it doesn’t even seem like we know if the previous Knave is dead or not
This isn’t me saying Arlecchino couldn’t possibly be treating hearth children worse than she wants us to know, especially ones who aren’t her “favorites” the way the fontaine trio seem to be, but I really don’t feel sure about making a solid conclusion of her exact level of malice the way ppl r generally understanding it rn when it feels there’s going to be more about her. Just the idea of she, as a Hearth child, clashed with the previous leader who was known for being cruel, overtook their position and took on less harsh methods of leading that made at least some members with more power/possible closer proximity to the previous Knave go rogue and try to commit atrocities in the previous Knave’s name…I feel this leaves a lot of room to suggest there’s more going on with how Arlecchino is as a person
I don’t mind if she’s just very evil and deceptive bc if she totally had me fall for thinking she was less evil than she actually was that’s fun tbh. But I feel people suggest that’s all her character could be with no degree of like, “sympatheticness” or deep grey morality and that if her character did go there it would be automatically poor writing and genshin walking back on making a truly evil woman when IDK. I feel you can claim at this point they have left it open ended and it’s never been completely confirmed she’s pure evil. Also sometimes I just get a hunch and feel cautiously confident in Genshin executing certain characters well. Not all characters, just certain ones. Especially given Fontaine’s character writing being very good and a character like Lyney feeling very solid to me when any development with Arlecchino would likely involve him and his siblings as well, I honestly feel open to the idea of Arlecchino being satisfyingly written to be both villainous/morally dubious but “sympathetic/likable as a person” in ways outside of just her ruthlessness if that makes sense
If I’m wrong/they drop the ball with it more than I anticipate I’ll eat my hat but I am pretty excited about her character and which way they decide to go with it. I will say the only potential impression I have of where they’ll go with her has been wondering if it will go in a “cycles of abuse” direction—I’d be surprised if they ever elaborated on Arlecchino’s character especially in how she feels about things and her also growing up as an exploited child of the hearth wasn’t relevant
#arlecchino#see my track record with said hunch with when I feel I should let genshin cook has been#for months truthing my vision of xiao’s speififc brand of internalized dehumanization induced suicidal ideation#and how genshin will one day he will get another quest of sorts thst develops his character towards#the idea he’s allowed to live and enjoy people’s company and this will likely#also come with following through on yaksha lore and when they do this they will do him SO well and it will be peak genshin quest#all of this Months before the existence of perilous trails was even rumored#and then I was soo stubborn xiao would show up in 2023 lantern rite w more character introspection to follow up PT#and also from the first fontsine teaser I was in the trenches for furina bc I felt so confident#the main storyline would handle her very well & if genshin went anywhere near the direction of her#not being a ‘true archon’ & ppl were Wrong if they thought genshin woudlnt take her seriously#and HAHA. WWOOWOOWOWOEOEOOEOEE#I have also been sent into hysteria multiple times bc genshin keeps canonizing my exact ideas of my favorite character dynamics#and often exceeding my expectations that I thought were jsut wishful thinking#yes I predicted exactly how xiao would interact w Venti & zhongli on screen yes I predicted#the exact nature of hat radish friendship no I was wiped out on the floor#by nahida enrolling wanderer in college & calling him hat guy & zhongli saving xiao’s life#& xiao having hardcore social anxiety from zhongven flirting with each other st the dinner table#this sounds so conceited. see I often don’t know What genshin is cooking but k feel sure in knowing when soemthing is going to be#a shitshow or mediocre or when we need to let them cook. even if it takes 6+ months#TRUST ME <— guy who has been waiting on genshin to cook for several characters for multiple years and is still sure I will get my food#am I crazy. yes. am I also often right when I have hunches on when genshin is going to suck and when it’s going to be good esp character#writing wise. often yes#one day I will annihilate genshined impact with my bare hands#genshin#fern.txt#fandomferns
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ocd is weird bc I definitely still have it, I just got really good at identifying it and shutting it down. Like I was taking down a gross medical sticker on my wall that for some reason I stuck up there last year, and my brain was like “no don’t do it. You’ll die if you do that” so I put it back on and my brain was like “or…maybe life will get way better if you take if off. And if you leave it life will get worse. Want to make that choice” and I was like really stumped over it, then suddenly I was like ohhhhh ocd you tricky devil… and tore the sticker off. I go thru this exact experience about thrice a week.
#ocd#Just a peek into my twisted mind……#Jokes aside ik this probably still sounds weird and mentally ill#But trust me on this#It’s way better than it sounds#At least comparatively#Back in 2020 I literally didn’t piss for 2 days because I thought pissing would cause the world to end#Like me at 15 was legit contemplating suicide bc it got to a point where I couldn’t even move#Without being convinced it would end the world#So all I could do was just lay in bed and I couldn’t grab my phone either bc that would also end the world I guess#Couldn’t blink freely had to do like one blink two fast blinks one slow blink#Damn just remembering how much it tormented me before I got a handle on it is actually pissing me tf off Wtf#Fuck ocd I fucking hate ocd#I’m so glad I outsmarted it#Shit was easy too#Bc the way my ocd worked was it was just completely spontaneous#There were certain patterns especially w numbers (like I couldn’t interact w the numbers 6 or 4)#But for the most part it was just whatever my brain decided was bad in that exact moment#Which was why it got as bad as it did so quickly#But that was also why I was able to go “ok well if I obey any compulsion all my fears will come true”#And that WORKED#IT WORKED FUCKING PERFECTLY#SO FUCKING DUMB#who even needs therapy I’m fucking Mr. Mental health. Fuck uou#tw compulsions#tw ocd#tw sui mention#< sui mention is in tags
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(trying not to run head-first into the nearest wall) ravio is cool . i like ravio
#honestly . i did not ever expect to take him for serious#i already knew that he (SPOILERS.......................) was the lorule counterpart to link but i didnt understand what that meant overall#i just thought he was funny!!! this isnt funny anymore man . i keep pausing to put my head in my hands irl. he found his courage#lorule in general is making me sick . one of the first things hilda tells you abt it is that it looks similar to your world. but it isnt#lorule is not an exact copy. or even like a shadow . its is its own parallel world. hilda does not betray you because zelda wouldnt#hilda betrays you bc she feels like it was her last option. zelda insists that she understands hilda's actions bc she might have done the#same if she were that desperate to do good by her kingdom. myyy god#AND RAVIO. he isnt cowardly because link is heroic. that isnt how it works. he just had a different perspective#maybe he didn't take hilda on himself. but he did still take action by guiding link to taking down hilda behind the scenes#and what is link about if not action? what does zelda strive for if not caring of her kingdom? goodness.#i feel weird saying “ravio is a link at heart” but only because it goes both ways. two sides of the same coin. link is a ravio at heart.#same goes for zelda and hilda#frogtxts#m
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Hi chat. Just got informed "hoo-ha" is referring to vagina and I've been saying "WE'LL BE GRABBING EM ALL BY THE HOO-HA" all day 🗿. I need a minute to think about this
#sydneys thoughts#Walking by people and saying those Exact same words#How didn't I know this. I should've known this WHY DIDN'T I.#Also bc I accidentally woke my mom up and she then said “your pale vampire skin made me think you were the reaper” 😞.
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cinderholly? >:)
LMAOOO i like cinderholly :3 i went with hollywillow in my au for the drama of it all, but there's a lot to love about cinderholly too. that little argument they have in sunrise after the gathering scene where cinderheart goes on about how hollyleaf's actions created nothing but pain... in the context of them being in a relationship...... dare i say.... very very yuri............... they had infinitely more potential than lioncinder and i'll die on that hill forever and ever.
i'm a sucker for childhood friends to lovers, especially if it's yuri, it's very very sweet to me <3
#also i had what i think now was a moral ocd moment over this ship as a teen#bc i drew fanart for it on pokemon art academy and i eagerly asked a mutual at the time what they thought about the ship#and they were like ummmmmm. they're cousins??? dont ask me that#and i didnt know that so i was like oh my god im disgusting i drew incest im a horrible person#... turns out it was connected to the dumbass ''redtail is sandstorms dad'' thing thats been debunked at this point and should never#have been entertained as canon at all and is so wrong that even the website debunked it when they wont debunk other bad retcons#so im validated now. unfortunately thats the main thing i remember the ship for im sorry jslkdjflskdjflsdf#(whats weird tho is they shipped mothpool which was under fire for the exact same bad unproved retcon.....)#(i mean like. its fine to draw the line i guess but why are we picking and choosing yknow....)#incest mention#in tags
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Happy new year, everyone!
#I’m spending this new years cosy in my bed#I actually did have plans but I was supposed to go out with someone who was by best friend#but I ended the friendship a few weeks ago#bc I had to protect my peace and deserved to be treated better#and I didn’t want to bring negative energy into the new year#protected my peace too hard bc now I spend my new years at home 😂😂😂#it was actually lit tho the neighbour’s fireworks were SO good and grand#the guy who I have been talking to wanted to hang out#he was going out somewhere in london with his friends to celebrate#and said I could come too but I said no#bc I don’t wanna spend new years with strangers#although I do really like him!#and he’s my age like my exact age lol so that’s good#anyways I’m going off on a tangent#happy new year besties!#my thoughts 💭
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> blog just opened
> mini-hiatus once you start getting criticized for being overly hateful
> mfw
?? we've been open for a few days and we're not getting criticized for being overly hateful ??
the hiatus is merely to catch up on all the submissions we have, so we can better organize and clear through things, thats all ^^
-💜
#where did we get genuinely criticized for being overly hateful thought??#like we did get an ask that was a little confused on our purpose but other than that#we arent hateful !!#if theres a post that you see thats from us and is hateful feel free to actually show me the exact words that are emitting hate#we've been very Business Polite even !#also all of these posts are scheduled and run a queue so if we clear the submissions queueing them all up; we tend to sleep right after#and by the time all the submissions are posted we wake up to new submissions ! and thats lovely#but it does keep us occupied and busy so we needed some time#the littlest amount of time by the way#to fix my emoji sign off and to research the submissions#this one will post now though bc im genuinely wondering anon#where were we actually being hateful ?#never once have we claimed you cant relate to a character#we arent gatekeeping you from anything#we merely look at canon and ask ourselves 'is that plural'#its that simple
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I am the happiest person on earth right now because I just went out with a friend to grab a late lunch and it was just supposed to be a quick casual catch up thing that turned into a 4 hour conversation in the car about things that happened to us almost a decade ago 🥲
#roadie rambles#no one’s obligated to read this but y’all…you better sit down if you’re interested bc I’m feeling SO chatty tonight#for context: this is my childhood friend I grew up with then we went to different high schools and colleges#but over the years we’ve kept in touch and we see each other maybe 2-3 times a year#we have really similar personalities#okay so basically. 👏 today we learned that we had the /exact same/ traumatic experience in high school /almost around the same time/#and not only that!!! the people who caused it were the same people who were in our childhood 4 person friend group!! (we split 2-2 in hs)#now before you get worried: I’m not about to traumadump and we’re both in better wiser healthier places now#but imagine that!!!#the same exact experiences down to a T. and neither of us shared it until now#we weren’t ready to at the time and we’re not exactly the most open with our feelings#plus. different schools different lives not seeing each other every day yada yada#but with the clarity of hindsight and both of us being adults now we were ready!!! 👏👏#we had a convo in the car that naturally led into us letting it all out#and shit man. it’s not the trauma olympics here but. I thought the aftermath of what I went through was bad#venting it out was awesome for both of us and we had a lot of good laughs over it#but my friend…she went through some awful stuff#really hard stuff.#it broke my heart honestly bc she’s an amazing person and she didn’t deserve any of it#I made sure she knew that. she made sure /I/ knew that.#we were both hurt and betrayed in the same ways. but we also learned from it in the same ways. and now it’s something we share#we both wished that we could’ve had this convo years earlier#but I know that it wouldn’t have happened in the same way bc we weren’t at our current levels of maturity back then#I believe we were meant to have this convo /today/ and now we’re both better for it#that’s on growing up and having someone to heal with babey!!!! 🥹💖💖💖#if you made it this far thank you!! I appreciate it#I’m just…gonna lay here with my full heart and think about this forever now
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me: how about...natori contracting some kind of youkai illness & matoba finding out about it & showing up to his set & natori dragging him off to his trailer bc it would be bad for his sparkly reputation to make the angry faces he feels coming on in front of his coworkers & matoba offering to help but in that smarmy condescending way that raises natori's hackles so he refuses but unfortunately he doesn't know how to cure it so matoba just keeps showing up every day & natori keeps carting him off to the trailer every time & being suuuuper cagey when people ask him who his visitor is & what if his coworkers get the wrong idea & matoba is fully aware of this & what if one day in the trailer natori reluctantly agrees to let matoba help him & matoba's like okay fine off with your shirt i gotta paint this spell circle on your bare chest & what if he's in the middle of doing that when they hear somebody opening the door to the trailer & obviously they don't want anyone to know what they're actually doing in there bc youkai-exorcist confidentiality so matoba's like no worries i got this & he KISSES NATORI omg classic kiss-as-misdirection trope & the person at the door is like whoops my b carry on gentlemen & after they've left natori is like wtf matoba????? & matoba's like well it's what they all thought we were doing anyway & your mouth was right there & it allowed me to cover the writing on your chest with my body & also you kiss people for a living so i figured it wouldn't be too complex for you & your part-time exorcist training to handle & natori recovers admirably quickly & is like WELL for your information that was a TERRIBLE kiss & no one is gonna buy that i professional makeout artist natori shuuichi would be swapping saliva with somebody on the reg without any of my considerable skill rubbing off on them & matoba's like so what do you propose we do about it & natori's like obviously i have to teach you how to kiss in case they come back -
the bedtime story fairy who thought this was gonna be an easy assignment: please just go to sleep im begging u have mercy ur brain cells are dying
#my other bedtime imagine also features misunderstandings in natori's trailer/dressing room but this time it's established relationship#natori and his costar are in his trailer practicing a kiss & matoba comes in & thinks natori is CHEATING 😲#& packs up & goes back to the matoba estate & natori's calling him daily like i LITRALLY dk what i did wrong...miss u baby...#but also tell me what i did wrong u asshole!! you just left & didn't even tell me if/when you're coming back! wtf!!!#and eventually matoba comes home & they talk & natori's like mkay well first of all kissing that lady is my literal job that pays me#but i understand that it upset you bc we were alone in my trailer & looked startled to be interrupted. hey i know#why don't you come with me to set & you can see just how incredibly unsexy these practice sessions are?#so matoba accompanies him & it's literally just natori & his costar like calculating exact face tilt angles & figuring out#their precise height differential during the scene in question based on the shoes she'll be wearing & testing out ideal#degree of mouth openness & choreographing switching sides of the face to correspond to the movement of the camera#(bc obviously it's one of those epic 360-degree shots with the swelling orchestral score and w/e 🙄)#& figuring out where they should put their hands & whether it makes sense for them to be smiling at this point in their arc &c &c#& matoba starts like observing them from multiple angles & critiquing their technique & giving pointers to the costar#& grabbing natori's chin & bodily arranging his limbs like a mannequin & showing the costar the best ratio of lip give to firmness#by demonstrating with his own lips on natori's lips. & so on & so forth. meanwhile#the sleep i am forgoing in favor of having these thoughts is something i will NEVER get back.#natsume's book of friends#horrible exorcists#f#my posts#i am such a clown to watch one of the sweetest and most poignant shows i have ever seen and for what?#to get fixated on imagining ways to get these chuckleheads to smush their mouths together? unbelievable.#like these scenarios barely (if at all) have anything to do with what makes them so fascinating as characters. i just want them to Kiss#idk though i do feel like their first kiss has to be some sort of dare or 'accident' or w/e like these weirdos can't just KISS each other!#who does that! have you heard of a little thing called pride and invulnerability and plausible deniability!!!!#but i also completely imprinted on this one established relationship fic i read last year so sometimes i just skip ahead#to the kinds of misunderstandings and shenanigans and conflicting priorities they could get up to as a couple#i guess i just want the fact that natori is famous for kissing people to be Matoba Seiji's Problem in some way or another#is that so much to ask#(i also CLEARLY imprinted on a fic in which natori teaches matoba to kiss at a bar?? i should reread that one)
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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