#no! I'm allowed to want stuff and be mad or disappointed when it doesn't happen!

[gigglebug]

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[stilljuststardust]

Hey

Idk if you remember me but I sent you an ask before. Unfortunately i'm still miserable. I feel like the "you already have it" advice doesn't work for me, at least for shifting, and gives me mental breakdowns instead. There's so much stuff i'm sad about and idk how to get over the attitude that being sad = your manifestation won't happen.

I cry to myself about how much life sucks like once a week. I'm disappointed in myself that i've been on loa tumblr for like a year and seemingly learned nothing since I haven't gotten anything I wanted. Idk what the ppl that manifest easily are doing differently than me, or how to make what they do work for me. Idk what to do I feel like all the mainstream advice

I try to follow like "imagine it and chill out" or "you already have it" just give me mental breakdowns instead of success. Idk what to do i'm really tired. Please help

Hello again, I do remember you.

My perspective has changed a bit over this past year. I'm sorry that it wasn't what you needed then. You don't have to feel great, you don't have to feel anything.

It's not about doing everything right, you're just repeating something till your subconscious manifests it. You don't have to jump through hoops or suppress your emotions you just have to saturate your mind.

This is sloppier than I'd like. It's 3 am and though I've been thinking of what I'd like to say I'm a bit too out of it for it to come out how I need it. I don't want you to wait longer though so I'll post it anyways.

Similar post where I said all of this better

Also, I know you've read this before but you really should again:

It's ok to feel like shit

Your emotions don't manifest. If you just need to be told that I can say it as many times as you like. Half the stuff I've manifested I was cranky or anxious or mad when I did it. Half the time I didn't believe it'd happen and then it did. Half the time I felt how you do. You can do it. I promise.

I don't use fulfilment for the same reason you mentioned, stressed me out. For me personally it was vague and didn't allow me to anchor myself.

It's ok that you feel like shit. It's ok that you're scared. It's ok that you're hurting. You can still do this and I promise you don't have to magically defy your emotions to do it.

In terms of how to change the actual belief you just affirm the opposite. You learned it through repetition it's unlearned the same way. Anti-climatic I know. I used to have a rule that if I said something bad about myself I would repeat three things good. Maybe when you have that belief come up your repeat three reasons why you can feel like shit and still manifest.

Stop punishing yourself for having emotions. Suppressing emotions has never made them go away and I can tell you from experience it is a losing battle. You can feel them, it's ok.

In my opinion you need to take a break. Take that pressure off. Right now it's a burden of its own and it's just piling onto everything else you're feeling.

You need to take a couple days where you don't push yourself so hard. No methods or law or anything. Process your emotions and let yourself breathe for a bit.

Chill. Not as a method or a tool but just genuine mental health advice. I know taking a break won't solve the issues in your life but neither will beating yourself up every day. Ground yourself and let out everything you're pushing down because it is clearly weighing on you.

You have been putting near constant pressure on yourself for a year. In my experience the pressure you're putting on yourself is more suffocating than your actual feelings. The most painful thing is usually our refusal to feel it.

When I would suppress my emotions it felt like constantly running away from my life. I didn't feel better, the suppression just became an additional burden. We let out emotions because that's how they leave us. If we hold them in that's where they'll stay, inside of us.

Cry for an hour, throw a fit, write in a burn book. Give yourself permission to fucking feel. (You can do this even when manifesting something btw)

When you're ready to come back to manifestation don't return to emotional suppression. Feel what you feel just don't repeat the old story to yourself. What I mean by that is you are 100% allowed to feel like absolute shit just don't affirm for anything you don't want.

Get off Tumblr and get away from all the noise telling you what to do or shaming you for mistakes.

Stick to robotic affirmations instead of fulfillment . The only goal is to repeat a sentence/thought that implies you have it and avoid repeating anything that implies you don't.

Feel whatever you want, it's robotic because feeling is not a factor. It's a definable goal so you don't have to be constantly asking if you're doing it right.

10 minutes whenever you can just repeat what you want. That's your only goal do not add anything else to it. Don't try something new when you get anxious, stick to a schedule and take care of yourself. I say this because I think what you need is something solid to ground yourself with instead of a less defined goal.

Don't ignore your mental health in the name of living in the end. Living in the end is just refusing to affirm shit you don't want.

Your biggest obstacle is your self hatred. This is speculation but it sounds to me like when you waver or give into the 3D you respond to it by chastising yourself.

Maybe you have an unconscious belief that self discipline = scolding yourself or this is just your knee jerk reaction to mistakes. You can recognize the need for change without berrating yourself. Sometimes healing isn't linear, sometimes we slip up, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

From a different post but I honestly don't think I can rephrase this better:

You cannot shame yourself better. Hating yourself, comparing yourself to others, being cruel to yourself because you "aren't doing good enough" has never helped you. If you only have one person in your corner it should be you. If you have only one person telling you to keep going it should be you.

On days when everything seems out of your control you can control how you treat yourself. You deserve kindness and patience too. It's ok if you have setbacks. It's ok if you got off track.

It's ok to trust yourself. It's ok to tell yourself you're good enough and that what you're doing is enough. It's ok to tell yourself that you're good at this.

You feel things very deeply and there is nothing wrong with that. Shame will not push you out of it.

You are consistently reinforcing the beliefs that you:

1. Are not good enough to manifest

2. Cannot change and

3. Will fail if you try again

Self defacing behavior is doing NOTHING but further a negative self concept/make you feel like shit.

You are good enough. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not have to become someone else to get what you want because you are enough.

Links

Manifest with anger subliminal

Manifest with sadness subliminal

Manifest with impatience subliminal

Success stories with robotic affirmations (aka without emotion)

My favorite manifestation video "you only have one limiting belief"

[billlydear]

hi, can i request a hurt/comfort fic where reader is struggling with family problems (maybe like billy or maybe something different) and they’re kind of a jerk like billy too? but then something happens that breaks them down and he just so happens to be there and he actually helps them deal with it. if you’ve already written something like this then i’m sorry, i’m new here 😅 but i love your writing and i’m excited to read more 💓

GOT A LIGHT? - BILLY HARGROVE X READER

W.C 1948 - INBOX (please request !) - GIF CREDIT TO OWNER

A/N: ohh my god i'm sorry i went MIA for like two weeks!! more to come soon, i promise <3 warnings: mentions of abuse, reader is abused similar to billy, they smoke together, angst, angst with a happy ending (? maybe hopeful, not happy 😅)

He's in his car when it happens. It's late, past 2AM, which is why he supposes your mother sees no problem opening the door and shoving you out. You trip over the porch step when she pushes you, landing hard on your ass on the concrete while she looms over you.

"Find somewhere to stay for the night," She seethes, spitting mad, "Because you're not welcome here."

He's suspected it for a while. Anger like the stuff inside of him, anger like the stuff he's seen ooze out of you, that doesn't happen for no reason. He's disappointed but not surprised to watch you fall, staying concealed in the darkness of his car as he watches from across the street.

You don't even try to get up, and Billy knows exactly how you feel. Sometimes, when you're knocked on your ass, you don't get back up. You're a modern day Sisyphus, and the boulder's rolled back down your hill one too many times. He decides to help you push.

He doesn't want you to startle if he slams the door to his car, so he leaves it open. Under any other circumstances, he'd close and lock it, watching from the other side of the street to make sure no one even breathes near it. But it's in the back of his mind as he crosses the street to your house, the slightly chilled night air nipping at his bare, toned arms.

He stops behind you, boots scraping slightly against the pavement. You don't dare look at him, you know who he is. There's only one person across the street that would be out at 2AM, and he's the last person you want to see.

"Come sit in my car," He murmurs, keeping his voice low in case your mom can hear from inside.

"Fuck off." You keep your eyes down, still turned away from him and splayed over the pavement. You're propped up on your elbows, and Billy sees one of them slowly staining the ground red.

"You can sleep in the backseat if you want," He presses on, ignoring your hostility the way no one ever ignores his, "I'll pass out in the front and keep the heater running."

"Fuck. off."

"I'm not allowed inside tonight either," Billy finally admits, "My dad and your mom took the same parenting class."

You're quiet, and Billy knows you're thinking about it. Thinking about all the times you've seen him threaten to blow, all the times you've heard the whistle of his teapot before it boiled over, all the times he lingers on the street too late to be casual.

"I have a first aid kit under the seat." Billy looks at the red-stained concrete, "And you can bum my cigarettes."

It's a peace offering. It's all a peace offering, a confirmation that there's someone else like him out there, and he'll be damned if he lets you slip through his fingers. He's spent enough time hiding from everyone that could never understand, and now that he knows someone can, he can finally talk. He can finally feel, he can finally relate, he can finally live.

Everything hinges on this. He can't keep doing this, he can't keep spending cold nights on the front steps or sneaking to the kitchen for an ice pack to put over his ribs. He can't do it alone, and you're the only one that can help him. He feels his heart beating out of his chest, pounding in his ears and pooling blood near his feet where they're bent against the sidewalk. His thighs are burning from how long he's been squatting, but he'd rather die than give up and walk away.

He uses your silence to mentally heal your wounds. He thinks about bandaging your fingers, disinfecting your cuts with a thin, pale antiseptic wipe that'll burn his own abrasions. He fantasizes about the simple act of sharing a cigarette with a friend, and you seem to share his thoughts.

"You- uh, you got a light?"

He knows that surrender. He knows the witty quip, the emotionally-distant snark meant to change the subject and disguise hurt for indifference. It's why he doesn't demand a 'Thank you,' because the way you look back at him is enough of one. You let him help you off the ground, and support half of your weight when the knee you'd tweaked gives you trouble. He helps you hobble back to his car, and he even shuffles you into the driver's seat to get you in quick and easy, where the door is still open. No one else has ever sat in the driver's seat of his car.

"I'll get the first aid kit," He murmurs, "Take a smoke."

He hears you wrestle with the pack of cigarettes he'd left on the center console while he digs around in the backseat for his first aid kit. When he gets back with the little plastic box there's one between your lips unlit, and he remembers your earlier question.

"Here," He fumbles in his pocket for his lighter. He yanks it out, sparking it until a flame roars to life. He holds it against your unlit cigarette, watching as the embers form and glow in the dark.

"Thanks," You mumble, and he nods while reaching for your hands. They're scraped and raw, blood dark in the creases of your fingers but light over your palms like you'd formed a fist and bunched it up there. There's rocks in your cuts from the concrete of your front steps, and he picks it out with his fingernails, crimson gathering under them that, for once, isn't his own.

You hiss as he pulls a particularly rough rock from its spot, and he fights not to acknowledge it. He doesn't want you to feel weak, so he keeps picking until your hands are gravel-free. He's far too good at wrapping wounds for an 18 year-old, but neither of you comment on it. He knows you are, too.

"There," He keeps your hands in his own, only a thin layer of gauze separating his skin from yours. He only moves his hands to pluck the cigarette from between your lips with one, and you blow smoke out of the side of your mouth instead of in his face as a thank-you.

"You sleep in here?" You raise an eyebrow, and he throws a scathing glance at his house.

"Sometimes. Only when my dad's having a bad night."

"So all of them," You scoff, "I've seen you out here before. I was gonna-" You pause, scoffing, then bury your face in your bandaged hands, scrubbing it clean of something Billy's sure is vulnerability. He takes a drag from your cigarette while you hesitate.

"I was gonna come out and ask if you were okay," You grumble from inside your protective shell, "But I- I dunno, I try not to be out here at night if I don't have to be."

"You don't know if they'll let you back in," Billy mumbles, nodding while funneling smoke out of the corner of his mouth, "I get it."

You nod, then shiver. Billy suddenly remembers he's still crouched on asphalt and not safe inside, because a cigarette and a friend concoct warmth he's never known before. He pats your knee, then stands, "I'll crank up the heater."

It's weird being in the passenger's seat of his own car. He's been in there to clean, scrape mud from the wheels of Max's skateboard off of the floor while he curses her under his breath. But it's different settling in the seat, head leaning back against the headrest while you shut the driver's side door. Silence envelops the car, and Billy clicks the lights on so that you've got a warm glow cast over you.

"Thanks for the cigarette," You take it back from him when he offers it to you, "That's what- uh, that's why I was out there. My mom found mine."

"My dad doesn't care," Billy spits, grateful for the freedom but doomed by the negligence, "I think he'll be glad if I die of lung cancer so he doesn't have to kill me himself."

You snort, and he's so glad you don't apologize. There's a certain familiarity that the two of you can speak with, you don't have to preface anything with 'okay, this is kind of dark, but-' or 'can i tell you something personal?'. You both have the same lives, and conversation clicks into place like puzzle pieces.

He wonders when the last time you got to relax was, as you sink into the seat. Your shoulders aren't tense and your eyes drift shut, both things that seem impossible for Billy in his own home. He suspects it's the same for you, which is why he doesn't lament the night ending so soon.

He wants to say goodnight to you, like a friend would. He wants to pretend he's at a sleepover on your floor, like your mom had brought you two cookies an hour ago, and now you're playing cards in your sleeping bags. He wants to pretend things are normal, that you're kids hopped up on sugar and giggles, not teenagers on nicotine and despair.

But the scent of smoke fills his car, and there are bandages on your hands. So he waits for your breathing to even out, watching the slow rise and fall of your chest in time with the seconds that slip away from your last encounter with your family. In, out, in, out, further and further away from the horrors in your house.

Only when he's absolutely certain you're asleep does he dare speak, and his voice is barely anything above a whisper, raspy and cautious.

"Goodnight," He murmurs, because he feels incomplete shutting his eyes without saying it. He keeps his head turned towards you as he sleeps, legs splayed open as he slumps against the seat behind him. He's almost afraid to go to sleep, on high alert to make sure that nothing can steal away his opportunity. Making sure the lights in his house are still off, that his dad won't give up and push him back into the house in case the neighbors see him sleeping in his car. He's busy making sure your lights aren't on either, that your mother doesn't storm over and demand that her child be released from the young man's car. And he's making sure you don't slip out yourself, like you're a puff of smoke that could vanish if he puts too much faith in you.

But eventually, his eyes slip shut and don't open again for hours. He goes to sleep with a friend in his car, and he wakes up with one, too. There's light streaming through the windshield, and the car is more than warm because of it. There's birds chirping, there's people walking their dogs, there's chatter over backyard fences, and there's you.

You're flipping through a book of postcards that he keeps in the driver's side door, all of California's scenic spots. Your fingers are brushing over his favorite now, the beaches along the coast that he'd swore to surf clean across. You glance over at him when he shifts in his seat, and you bite the inside of your cheek before breaking the silence.

"Morning," You mumble, averting your eyes to the postcard in your lap, "These are.. these are really pretty."

"Yeah they are," Billy rasps, morning voice in full effect, "Prettier in person, though."

"I'll have to go sometime, then." You hum, and Billy's decided before you flip to the next page that he'll be the one to take you.

[jessicas-pi]

📙 📕 please?

OOOO ok since you sent two I'm gonna give you two AUs--a short one and a long one!

the short AU idea is one I call Hi, You've Reached The New Republic. How Can I Help You?

It's based on the premise that, at the end of TRoS, Ben doesn't die. He lives and joins the good guys! But he did a lot of bad stuff, so he's going to be punished. Originally he gets sentenced to death, but Rey is sad about that, and so Poe and Finn step in because Rey Cannot Be Sad. But, also, they understandably resent the bad stuff he did, and they're allowed to be a little petty, as a treat. So they suggest Ben be sentenced to a fate worse than death.

And by "fate worse than death," I mean customer service.

So now Ben works for the New New Republic, answering phones, and he has to deal with all the garbage that customer service workers get, and at this point, Rey's Not Mad Just Disappointed face is the only thing keeping him from turning evil again. Force Ghost Anakin Shenanakins optional.

the other AU I have in mind is a crossover based on Crooked House, which is an Agatha Christie novel! It's long so i'm putting it beneath a cut.

SO, when I read Crooked House, I got like half a chapter in and was absolutely OVERWHELMED by the sabezra vibes from the main couple. It's like, guy meets girl, guy is in love with girl, girl reciprocates, guy goes off to war for a few years, guy and girl are reunited. also, girl has an absolutely insane family where literally anyone could be a suspect in a murder.

ANYWAY i immediately came up with an AU, as one does. I call it Crooked Clan.

I haven't decided if I want this AU to be set in our world in the past, in the canon star wars universe, or in a star-warsy-yet-vintagey universe that is different from canon. I'm thinking the third option probably.

So, the idea is that Sabine's clan isn't ruled by her mother, but by her grandmother, who also owns the Darksaber. Sabine and Ezra are friends in this AU--which happens in a universe where Order 66 was never a thing--despite Ezra being a Jedi and Sabine being Mandalorian. They've known each other since their teenage years, like in canon, and they're very close.

When Sabine is about 22, her grandmother dies under mysterious circumstances, and Sabine asks Ezra to come help her. Ostensibly as moral support, but she actually suspects there was foul play. Ezra agrees immediately because he would do anything for her.

it becomes clear soon that there WAS foul play. The obvious suspect is Gar Saxon, Ursa's distant cousin, who invited himself into their home and is known to be ruthless with a dislike for the Wrens. And due to a technicality, he would become ruler of Clan Wren unless the previous Countess specifically left it to someone else. And the will Sabine's grandmother supposedly made is missing.

But, one-by-one, it becomes clear that everyone in Sabine's family is suspect.

As follows:

Ursa, Sabine's mother, who was supposed to inherit rulership of the clan

Alrich, Sabine's father, who would willingly do anything for his wife

Tristan, Sabine's brother, who was ruthlessly bullied by his grandmother and openly hated her

Eris (an OC), Sabine's aunt and Ursa's older sister, who was disinherited less than a month ago for her supposed "madness"

Bo-Katan, a family friend who turns out to have previously been associated with a terrorist organization known as Death Watch

and finally, Sabine herself becomes suspect, when her grandmother's will finally resurfaces, and she learns that the rulership of the clan--along with the Darksaber--was left to her.

I haven't worked out ALL the details yet, but I have a LOT of vibes in my head, and... yeah, that's the ramble! There may be more someday! But I make no guarantees!

Thank you for the ask!! :D

[oddinary4bts]

okay ella look. this isn't a hateful ask, I just want to explain my perspective. I love your stuff

But I always see asks about how realistic CC is and I agree because people are flawed by nature nobody is perfect. but the story being real doesn't mean we aren't allowed to be angry at the characters you know. I totally get that you're protective over JK but I think at some point poor mental health isn't an excuse to fuck up anymore. I'm saying that because I also dated a guy who kissed someone "without wanting to" when we were together and that was the first disappointment and when he did something similar the second time, I was just done.

I think the reason we are angry is not because they are supposed to be perfect nobody is or because we can't see how "real" CC is, but because in real life you wouldn't forgive someone after so many times. Even if you love them, and no matter if it's his or her fault at some point you are just so done with the back and forth and the toxicity that you give this person up for your own sake and mental health (unless you keep your hopes up, but then you might be disappointed again after a while). OC doesn't deserve that and he deserves to move on too, that's all some of us are concerned about.. the story is real in a way that people do shit in real life but also enraging in a way that a lot of us wouldn't forgive so many times (or at least stop trying and move on after a while, like once hurt because of gaby, fine, twice hurt because of lisa alrighttttt but then leaving/calling it a lapse of judgement is just enough at a point and you'd need to recognize that this isn't good for your head)

you can choose to ignore this ask too. I'm not trying to be mean, just want to say what I feel. i just wanted to say what i and maybe some others think, that the angst and the hurtful twists did get a bit much with time... if the angst in this chapter was just tae getting angry it would've been different, but oc and jk fucking up again was a bit too much after all. You will say "don't read then" I know! I just want to know how it ends but I also think we're allowed to think in a way about the story/characters, even if we still love the story and your writing

and I'm not a minor (ngl this constant comment hurts. just because we have different opinions, it doesn't mean we are minors. adults feel too. that was a bit mean and maybe the reason I also snapped so much in this ask and vibe less with the blog/asks. forgive me)

Don’t apologize! Messages like yours do not give minor at all haha it’s just those that are extremely mad and are not trying to have a conversation that give minor vibes😌 you’re all good

Also I need to point out that, even tho they loved each other, Jungkook and OC were NOT dating when the kiss with Gabrielle happened. More than that, they hadn’t really spoken in MONTHS when Jungkook slept with Lisa. Please enlighten me on how he fucked up on that one bc he did not. His only fuck up was the Gaby thing

And I write angst. Pure angst. My usual readers know that! If you don’t want angst with a lot of twists, my writing is probably just not for you. I used to not even give happy endings but now I do so at least there’s that haha

But yeah I get it, it’s a lot of angst and twists but without them there would just be no story, you know? Like the fic would have ended forever ago, and it would have taken away from the reality aspect of it. This story was meant to be this way bc that’s how it was meant to be (and how it made sense for it to be considering the characters’ personalities) and it’s okay if it’s not for you! And just remember that just bc you would not forgive someone in a similar situation (which is totally okay) does not mean that someone else would not forgive!

Anyways I don’t really know what else to say except I hope you enjoy the rest of the story

[beevean]

Hey it’s so called this morning’s anon back with more things to say I suppose…

I supposed I wanted to elaborate on some things, I know you said you didn’t wanna start discourse but I really wanted to elaborate on what I meant by that proshipping comment. The term proship, from what I heard, has gone from let people ship what they want and if you don’t like don’t look to… This person is a disgustingly vile subhuman and their death should be celebrated.

Funnily enough I openly ship problematic stuff, but I constantly over complicate things to prove that I’m still better than ‘those guys’, to say that I have morality and ‘they’ don’t… But it’s so fucking exhausted. My life wasn’t good and moral and pure so why does my art have to be?

I’m sick of fearing I’ll have someone genuinely threaten my life because I cope differently than them. Ironically I used to get mad when people say it was their coping mechanism, calling it a shitty excuse to be a whatever [You can insert all kinds of fun and degrading terms there] and yet… I was doing the same thing.

So yeah… I don’t like everything but I’m realizing that everything has its place and if that makes me a proshipper then fuck it I guess I’m a proshipper

[After reading all those kind messages I wanted some way to reveal myself because surprise you actually know who I am! But I wasn’t sure how to do that without outing myself so openly… I read your Hevor fic and told you about it on Discord, it’s the only thing we ever discussed. So yeah if you manage to figure me out based on that alone then congratulations! Purity culture is ruining my life so bad I can’t even say my own name! ;3]

fdjskfksdngksjdhk talk about efficient secret codes lmao. Yes I understand now 😄

That's pretty much what happened. "Proship" started as a countermovement to the "anti" culture budding around 2016 who were all like "Sheith is actually incest because they're like brothers and that's gross guys!!!!", and at first it meant simply "ship and let ship", but then it got twisted into meaning "someone who enjoys problematic ships/ships with incest, pedophilia and/or abuse", which inevitably leads to "this person has Something Wrong with them and they're a Bad Person who Hurts people like me with their Degenerate Art! Pedo alert pedo alert! PUNISHMENT FOR A THOUSAND YEARS".

The problem is that "enjoys" means a lot of things :^) there is a difference between "aww they're so cute <3", "welp this is a kink now", and "wow this would be incredibly fucked up but I am intrigued to explore this story". But nuance is not allowed, apparently.

(fun fact: I don't really go through proship blogs because I swear they all ship sibling incest. I hate sibling ships lmao, especially when they're wholesome. But of course they're all in the "will accept anything" community, after being pretty much shunned and painted as horrible abusers who deserve to be hurt and worse - and just because I don't want to see those ships, that doesn't mean I think they're bad people who condone real-life abuse. So yeah, proship is not about having all the grossest ships in the world, you can be exclusively into the most vanilla M/F ships ever and still think "yo do what you want I'll respect you from a distance")

I also hear similar stories like yours, of people who twist themselves into pretending to be antis and be morally "purer" than others when in private they were doing the same things they were insulting others for, just with tons of shame and denial. Not judging you and I'm happy when people realize that this behavior is harmful, definitely more than being into the Problematic lol... I'm just disappointed and frustrated that the internet culture has come to this. I reiterate my points about surrounding yourself with friends who don't make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

Also real talk: you don't really have to psychoanalyze yourself. Maybe your tastes are tied to an easily identifiable reason, or maybe they aren't or the reason goes too deep to explore without outside help. In any case, it doesn't matter. You don't have to justify yourself in any way, let alone showing to everyone the "I'm Coping With Trauma" badge in the hopes they will forgive you - because it doesn't work. It's never about the mental health of victims, it's about "i feel icky and i don't want to :("

Disgust is not harm. You (general) have every right to be disgusted by something - I myself am not above it :P But it's not a personal attack against you, and it's your responsibility to walk away and coping with your feelings in private.

[e-icreator23]

Vent again. If you cant read it. Wither: You can't let him do that! He can't be banging or throwing stuff! You think its funny but its- D-d:You need to stop being a drama queen. It doesn't mean anything! Stop it. Where did banging and throwing things get bad? (where did you get that from?!) He's not doing any harm Wither:But it sounds like he's trying to break his controller! [He has a PS5] B-o: WHAT DO YOU CARE?! YOU HAVE A MASK ON AND YOUR A JUNIOR! ITS CRINGY! Wither: And you're a sophomore! You should know not to- B-o: Shut up! No one asked! Aren't you embarrassed?!! This is what happened right now. My brother started to rage at a game and from my room, it sounded like he was banging his controller. I came out to see whats going on and he was yelling before this and hitting something. I told my sister to go to her room and that he was acting stupid. He got mad and insulted me and said I am a nobody and I am embarrassing. My sister got scared from him yelling so got my dad who was drinking. He came it and my brother went back to the game he was getting mad at for loosing and he laughed about it. I told him what happened and he still laughed about it. I got mad since he lets them both get away with things like this and I am tired of the insults. I hate that once they know I will be married to a woman that they won't want me around since like my brother has said and I shit you not he said this word for word "FAGS ARE MENTAL. THEY AREN'T HUMAN" My dad constantly wonders why one of his cousins who came out to them is never around, I can't blame, not at all. It's because none of them support them! They outright show they disappointed in them! My brother says that my dad and him HATE people who are gay or anything relating to it with a passion. They are more concerned of how they look than about anything else, my brother has to constantly remind me that I am more on the bigger side and that he's so embarrassed about it! He said that he will never say hi to me during school even when I say hi, he acts like he doesn't know me and says to others that he doesn't know me. He likes to make fun of me saying I won't get anyone. And even if I do, they will leave me since they never really loved me. I am so tired of this. I want to leave so bad but If I try to leave with another family member then my dad will start to guilt trip me and I don't want to leave because I don't want to leave my friends yet. I know I'm a damn disappointment to them. I know that shit but I have to be reminded over and over and over again. No wonder why I'm distant with them. I try so hard at school to make them proud but it can never make it last. I won first place somewhere big in my state but just "oh nice". thats it. I get Honor roll. "good and stay like that" I am so tired of it and I know I am still gonna push myself to try and get good grades but I know nothing I do will ever be good enough to make them proud of me. They ask why is it hard for me to talk to people, no shit its hard because If I say anything wrong to them, I would get hit. I would get yelled at for saying anything wrong. They told me I am not allowed to tell anyone about my situation, I can't talk to my councilors about this, I cant ask for help. Not even online. If I say something wrong, I feel like they would hate me. If I do something they don't like then I'm the piece of shit. I know they have said that I can talk to them but I feel like I cant since I dont know what they will say. I am scared, I am so fucking scared. I know non of them are bad or anything I am just terrified of them since they are so amazing and I can never amount to them in any way. I don't know what to do. If I eat how I normally do, im told to stop. My health problems are my fault and yeah maybe they are. but still at least be semi nice but no he makes fun of me that I cant breath right. To them ADHD and autism arent real. it's fake so people can be lazy. If I am friends with anyone who's like that then im the weirdo. I'm stupid to even get near them. im so done.

[florilegiumofblips]

I was at a wedding earlier and couldn't focus on our conversation very well. That and, quite frankly, we're not a topic I like to think about these days. It hurts a little.

I'm sorry for what happened and I feel I need to explain myself. I didn't expect to have much contact beyond a like on Facebook or double-tap on Instagram since our communication dwindled down to nothing.

I enjoyed getting to know you the last few months. The situation we were in allowed us to get to connect beyond the physical stuff... And that in itself was very different for me. Having said that, I didn't expect to develop feelings for you. Feelings are something I run away from. I'm sure you've noticed. And if you haven't, well, feelings are something I run away from. I realize I tried much harder to find a way to invalidate emotions I felt versus acknowledging they existed.

I told you once that I missed talking to you and it was true. You said you did too and you didn't have time to bullshit with me anymore. Being a female, I overthink things. I realized we never talked about boundaries or what this "relationship" was. It made me think that's all it must've been: bullshitting. I should've and I could've asked, I know. Being the proud person I am, I didn't because I didn't want to feel like a fool if it was one-sided. Basically I didn't want to ask, be shut down and have to be like ha-ha-ha I was just kidding too.

That's the thing... I felt like a fool. It wasn't necessarily anything you said or didn't say or did or didn't do. It was the situation we were in. I felt silly for hanging onto nothing but words that popped up on my phone daily. Doesn't that seem mad to you too? When the words slowly, but noticeably, came less and less, I accepted the silence as a confirmation that what we had - call it what you want- was done. And, yes, you are right. I should've asked. It all comes back to that.

What I did was selfish, immature and impulsive. I understood the repercussions of my actions in a "normal" relationship, but even you have to agree there's nothing normal or ordinary about what we had going on.

I'm not trying to get back to where we were because I know that's not possible. But I want you to know that I care for you and you were right when you said you think I'll fall in love. I don't know where you really stood, as far as emotions go or how invested you truly were in this. If I hurt you or disappointed you, I am sorry.

Take care and come home safe.

[officialtayley]

the twitter fandom seem to just be talking in circles now like we will never be able to see eye to eye on this which is frustrating because the two things can coexist - people can be mad at paramore for not doing anything and also still be doing their own part to raise awareness!!!! i don't know why some people seem to think that you can't do your own stuff while simultaneously asking paramore to use their own platform like it's literally waffles and pancakes. and then there's this weird moral superiority complex that seems to be going on among certain people too where if you're disappointed in paramore then it's your own fault because idle worship and whatnot like WHAT IS HAPPENING !!!!!! we have gone so far off track and lost the plot so many chapters ago that this is actually getting sickening now. i need everybody to collectively take a few breaths and just stop it. yes, paramore should be doing more, no constantly talking about it isn't gonna help anything really, yes, you can express disappointment in them while also continuing to do your own forms of sharing and participating in the conversation about palestine and no, that doesn't make you performative or an awful person nor does it mean you're condemning the band like why does everything have to be either/or on there??? people are allowed to be upset, some people just need to accept it and move on!!!!

i agree with all of this! had they not posted on ig i don't think the convo would've come up again, it just happened to showcase that fans there are also upset too and it wasn't just twitter fans being whatever words everyone wants to call us. but yes like nothing is an either/or with this, i'm not sure why i see certain accounts also claiming that people who have criticised the band have not even been speaking up themselves when majors of us have, like i said earlier, i've seen like 2 very loved accs be the only ones agreeing with calling pmore out but also those 2 haven't said shit about anything going on, so that claim would apply to the minority of fans, not the majority.

[sucknizzo]

I just want bangs and double nostril piercing is that too much to ask?

Also today was a big sigh

Like I put on my big girl pants and told my boss that I was really really interested in the (what was) open position at my job that would be basically a lateral move (although it's really a step down in responsibilty and I wouldnt be managing people or be eligible for a performance bonus) but that would open the door for me to other things outsider of work and honestly is just what I really fucking wanted deep down but felt bad taking because it's actually a demotion. Anyway my boss was like yeah I know you'd do great and that was my plan along but... The person in the position now isn't actually leaving so yeah.

I'm just disappointed because I was going to also try and use this to negotiate a pay raise because the position is the same pay grade I'm currently in but doesn't have the responsibility of carrying keys and I figured I'd be fine still being a keyholder if I was paid for it. So yeah guess that won't happen right now.

It's really hard to not be fucking bitter about it too because it's like this person gets whatever they want, like any schedule they need they get because they "have stuff going on." I don't want to be sexist or an asshole and I think parents should be allowed to take care of their kids but like the amount of times this person has not completed their work and it falls off on to me or makes my job harder is a fucking lot. Like at some point your not fulfilling the responsibilities of your role and you should just step down.

Like I'm a huge asshole but I think it's fucking wrong that this person is going to try and go to school full time during the day and then work 40 hours overnight and have very little children to take care of at home. Knowing how often they drop the ball when they aren't in school full time and sleeping during normal hours like I just can't imagine this will be good.

My boss told me she was going to hold them to the same expectations and if they couldn't do it theyd be asked to step down but like still Im just annoyed by it all.

This is not a position that is often available and if this person just manages to hold on to it I'm gonna be really sad.

Like I'm glad I spoke up and made it clear I wanted it but what a fucking let down

I just know I can't be mad about not getting "special treatment" because it's not something I ever asked for but it feels unfair and I don't my current position lends itself to the flexibility that that position does

Just rambling

[actualtext]

Jan 29, 2023

Cheyenne & Negative Emotions

On Jan. 27th, I woke up feeling low. I decided I would eat ramen &told myself that I didn't have a reason to not work after I ate. B4 I began making my ramen, my roommate Cheyenne said from the other room "hey, I'm gonna be cleaning that space here in a bit, just &fyi" which I took as "get out of my way." I put the stuff for the ramen away &just went back to my room. I came out once while my roommate was cleaning said space, but only to get water. After I heard her finish, I went to the kitchen to proceed making my ramen. As I was putting the soup into the pot of boiling water, I received a text from Cheyenne. She said she was hurt & frustrated that neither me or my roommate Darren stepped in to help. I was already in a very low place so this hurt my feelings. She accused me & Darren of never picking up after ourselves, even though she doesn't really come out to socialize& always keeps herself isolated in her room and has no way of knowing what we do to clean when her door is closed. I assumed she was cleaning in preparation for her party that was going to happen the next day. I told her just because she doesn't see it happening, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I also explained how Darren actually always cleans up after himself, &so do I. The only time Cheyenne talks to us is when she has a complaint to make. I considered her a close friend. She was someone I didn't mind having heartfelt conversations with. Someone who would randomly give me hugs if she knew I was having a bad day. For some reason though, these last few months she's been distant. I would understand if she was a friend that I would only talk to every once in a while, but our relationship went from being like bffs to being like strangers, &sometimes I even feel like she hates me. I've talked to her about how I felt that specifcally. She said something along the lines of "I know I can come off as bitchy sometimes, i'm sorry" but then proceeded to still come off as bitchy. I just wish I knew how she was feeling towards me. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, &I know that. I just hate when people say one thing &then proceed to do something totally different. I feel like one of my friendships is coming to an end, but secretly. That's not even the point I was trying to make but journaling always brings out more because I have the tendency to overshare. ANYWAY So after I received her text, I cried because I was so frustrated. It was like she expected us to read her mind instead of verbally asking for help. &I get it, sometimes you want people just to jump into the roles they should have (us as equally responsible roommates). However, the tone of her voice when she told me she would be cleaning didnt sound inviting. She's the kind of person who likes to do things alone. So it was obviously a misunderstanding. At that, I'm the type of person who needs to be directed &or specifically asked. This whole expectation without request made me think of my mom. She used to clean everything, including my room. She was one of those "If I want it done right, I need to do it myself" kind of people. After she'd clean though, she would complain about how I didn't help and stuff like that. I never asked her to clean my room, &she never asked me to clean it myself. She would just do it herself &then get mad at me. I think seeing cheyennes accusatory text set me off. No one has show disappointment in me &I think that was what really set me off. I hadn't felt that kind of emotion in a while, &it really hurt. I don't think it was just that that made me cry. I have felt very unmotivated &sluggish, &I was already feeling not good enough so Cheyennes text just pushed me over the edge. I feel like crying all the time, but only when I sit &think about it does it actually happen. It's like my eye lids are a dam, &my thoughts lower that dam wall &allow the tears to just come flowing out. I cried like 3 or 4 times the rest of Friday, felt extremely heavy &I wasn't able to convince myself to work. I wasn't even able to finish all my ramen which is like a big deal considering how much I love ramen.

[syn4k]

allow me to elaborate because this shit's fucked

so okay. i have a brain that is not great at responding healthily to things. this is a thing in general because of reasons and it's been happening for years. i know how to handle it by now. just because my brain says to do something doesn't mean i have to listen to it and actually do it, and i've gotten Really Good at going "no we're not going to do that [bonk with paper towel tube]" in response to concerning things over the years

one of those concerning things that i usually bonk and move on in response to is self destructive urges. i'm not talking about physical self harm here (although this is a form of self harm), mine doesn't manifest like that, i mean things like yknow not taking care of myself and not doing tasks important to keeping up with my wellbeing and stuff like that. thats how it starts. thats the base level.

because the thing is, i have to be Constantly Vigilant when dealing with this because this is one of those goddamn slippery slope things and my brain is always telling me hey, we can probably skip lunch, it'll be fine, or hey, dude, fuck doing the dishes right? who fucking cares about that anyways. yeah i know mom asked us to and she'll be dissapointed and probably mad if we don't but i mean who am i kidding you're a huge fucking disappointment anyways and if you already didn't want to move may as well dig that hole a little deeper.

you can uh. see the problem here.

it's very easy to give in and follow that urge and continue doing nothing, especially if you already deal with depression. it's self-indulgent, in a fucked up backwards kind of way. you justify doing things that are actively harmful for you by telling yourself that you deserve this, actually, you don't matter enough to have nice things happen to you anyways, and then it all spirals incredibly quickly downwards from there. you start cutting more corners and calling yourself nasty things that aren't true

also, it hurts the whole time because destroying yourself sucks! it's literal hell to experience! becoming cynical and bitter and steeping yourself in self-hatred is painful because it goes against your literal natural instinct to survive! and the entire time this is going on the rational part of your brain is screaming "what the fuck are you DOING man? this isn't good! this isn't fucking healthy! you are loved and you deserve better! please for the love of god go make some tea and talk to your friends about this they will understand. they love you. they're worried about you."

but since this is an exercise in the sunk cost fallacy, the self destructive actively rotting part of your brain that's in charge of this whole thing just shrugs loathingly and goes "well you're a lazy son of a bitch and you've sat on your ass for the past two weeks just hating yourself so you may as well throw in the towel and go full in to see what happens."

at this moment, you have a choice. you can claw your way out of this hole you've dug for yourself and explain everything with shaky breaths to the people who love you, or you can grab the shovel and keep fucking digging twice as hard and actively shun all attempts people make to help you.

the decision to make here seems obvious, doesn't it? that's not a trick question. hopefully to you it should be, because it is. but the thing is, to someone inside the hole, from this angle it looks like too much effort to even begin to climb out of. sometimes they don't even know where to start, just that they want to get out.

it takes a lot of strength and fortitude to make that decision to make things better for yourself, to prioritize your long term health over what you're feeling at the moment. it takes a lot of resolve to reach out for help, because you're ashamed of yourself for even buying into this lie at all. you'd completely understand if they turned your back on you and said no, you're too far gone, because who could ever love someone who at their core hates themself? it's so much effort and it'd make more sense to just let you go, both for their sake and yours.

sometimes the person in the hole looks up towards the sky and the chance they've been given and they take a deep breath and, with acid filling their lungs, turns back towards the ground and keeps digging.

from there it becomes exponentially harder to get them out of there because they've just stopped listening to everyone else. they actively shrug off all attempts to help. they keep digging (they haven't talked to their mother in months), keep digging (they haven't shown up to any parties and they don't leave their apartment), keep digging (they've gotten into screaming matches with everyone who speaks up about the situation), hoping futilely that if they just keep going they'll find the other side and break through and find themself on solid ground again with no hole in sight and no ruined relationships and a second chance.

that of course won't happen and the only thing actually at the bottom of that hole is one last chance to turn back because below it is death. some are saved by a light coming through the clouds. most are not.

and just like that, the hole they've dug for themself suddenly becomes a grave

it's a really fucked up thing to go through and an even more fucked up thing to watch happen to someone in real time. i dont know. this is usually the part of the post where i give advice on how to help someone going through this and on how to help them remember that they do deserve love and so much better than this, but i ran out of words and it's been a rough time lately and man i just dont have the energy.

i just wanted to talk about this because i've gone through this cycle a few times myself and it's fucking rough. it's a struggle to exist like this but you gotta remember that there is hope even if you can't see it and there is beauty even if your eyes can't behold it right now. you gotta make your own joy and hold onto it like its a fucking lifeline because it is. it's gonna hurt like a bitch and it's gonna be humiliating. you're not going to want to look yourself in the eye but you have to. i swear it's worth it.

its uh. 2pm and im still wearing pajamas. im gonna go get dressed. yeah

hey so like. dude self destructive urges are so fucked up on like so many levels.

[fics-n-stuff]

I feel like people these days are getting WAY too comfortable with just expecting/demanding things to go exactly the way that they want in TV shows, and I'm seeing a lot of it in the Stranger Things fandom with season 4 coming out. Like, obviously you're allowed to be annoyed about certain plot points and character beats if you dont like them, and you can voice your opinions on what would have made them better, but I don't understand all these people that I'm seeing getting mad/disappointed with the writers because things aren't happening the way that they themself wanted. You can't get mad at the writers for writing the story that they want to tell and not the one you want to see. It doesn't make it bad writing, it doesn't make it bad character development, it doesn't make it a bad show, it just makes it something that you personally don't like and that's fine.

With Stranger Things 4 I'm mostly talking about the stuff I've been seeing people say about ship dynamics. Ship whoever you want, that's your prerogative, but don't get mad at the Duffers and the writing team for not writing your ship into canon. You ship Byler? Good for you, I'm glad you have this thing that you enjoy, but don't go around calling the writers cowards or homophobic for not making it canon. It doesn't have to be canon. You don't like the Stancy arc this season? Me neither, but I'm not mad at the writers for writing their characters the way that they want to, and I'm certainly not using faulty logic to argue with their decisions. Steddie(Steveddie?) and Ronance (is that the ship name?) are cute, and they don't have to be canon for you to enjoy them.

Obviously I'm not talking about the vast majority of people and shippers, but I've seen some people acting really fucking entitled about their shipping opinions this season and it just makes me kind of annoyed because it's not your show? Like, write fanfic if you want content for your ship. Fanon is just as legitimate a way to enjoy media as canon. A show doesn't have to do exactly what you want it to for you to enjoy it, and it certainly doesn't have to do what you want it to for it to be good.

And I also wanted to address the weird amount of Eddie hate I've been seeing because people think he's a Billy copy? I mean, if you truly believe that then fine, I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong, but I just don't see it? I see maybe 3 reasons why there could be a logical argument for that, but they're all super surface level. I don't think Eddie is anything like Billy, and I think a lot of people don't actually think he's a Billy copy but they just don't like that a new character has been brought in to, what it feels like to them, "replace" a character that they liked. Eddie is a good new character and he deserves for people to give him a chance. I don't mean to shit on your fav but canon Billy kinda sucked, and I think what a lot of people are seeing in Eddie as what makes him a copy of Billy is actually their thoughts on Billy in fanon. Idk, if you have an actual logical argument for why Eddie is a Billy copy I'm down to hear it, but don't expect me to agree.

I just think that sometimes people need to take a step back and realise that the writers are not obligated to cater to your singular opinion, and if the choices they make mean that you don't like the show anymore then that's fine, you don't have to keep watching. But honestly, I hate it when people let their opinions turn the fandom toxic and I really want to avoid that as much as possible so please please just tone it down with the vitriol towards the writers and towards each other. We're all allowed to enjoy or not enjoy things in whatever way we want.

[mehidktbh]

Shopping with the Sinclair brothers

Made this post and instantly had to add to it, hope everyone loves the Sinclair brothers doing domestic things.

Not proof read

18+

Contains (Sexual themes mentioned with Bo)

I'm sorry, I had to add it 😭

BO SINCLAIR 🚙🚬🔧

- The type of guy to run to those shops that are like at the end of closing and the workers all probably hate him now. He also has the mindset to only to get like 1 thing walking in but than when he walks out with hes carring 20 various things he knows he will never ever use.

- He can't help himself but also admires the gun section, EVERY TIME! Even if he knows he can't buy one hell still just look at them, a devilish smirk on his face until you come along and drag him away.

- Okay bare with me on this one but... I 100% agree with the thought that Bo had definitely fucking shoplifted before, rather when he was young or in his teens or even now he does it. "Aw, we don't have enough money to afford this" Don't worry Bo's pockets come in handy, he'll snag it like nothing ever happened and show you later. (He probably also thinks he's the shoplifting God 😭)

- He also is the mum kind of person, the one to knows what to buy for his family (Aka his brothers) He'll say he knows it all but in reality, he's only buying junk food and microwave food. You bet your ass you'll look into the cart only to see the only greens he brought was a small ass can of corn. He's very proud of himself

- With how frequently shops give out deals and try to bring customers in with their "Oustanding low prices" You know Bo falls for them every time, mainly because they always advertise on TV and considering Bo is always on his ass watching TV. "But they said it was only 1 per cen' off" (Gets mad when he realises that they baited him in)

- He also can't help but maybe have a slight peak into the sex aisle, he'll say to you he forgot something before going to have a look. He'll probably come back with lube tbh, saying how you guys ran out but you know there's a whole fucking drawer back at home full of lube.

- Bo isn't the type to stay close to you but sometimes he'll be there, either with an arm wrapped around you as he watches you pick stuff out. He's not afraid either to give you a kiss here and there, I mean when your down on the opposite side of the store where no one is around he's definitely all handsy and touchy. Until you tell him to knock it off, that man is disappointed when you don't let him have sex with you in the middle of the fucking shop.

- (Trust me I would be fucking angry too at him, mf is horny in the middle of the shop when you're trying to ignore him. He's like a rabbit in heat, you also bet your ass he doesn't dream about fucking you in the shops too, just don't ask him though because he will literally not care if there's someone there)

- And yes Bo will spend 30 minutes in the alcohol section browsing the aisle, even though he knows what he wants and that he's just going to get the same shit over and over again. (After that does he get 5 packs of all the same brand)

- Also he is definitely ramming into the back of you at full speed if you allow him to push the shopping cart, sorry not sorry

VINCENT SINCLAIR🕯🎨🎭

- Vincent is a little bit shyer when it comes to shopping and going out, if it means leaving Ambrose he's not going. Well it depends, I mean you could probably convince him if your gonna go after midnight or before, considering no one is going to be around, but any other time he's not going.

- Vincent is calmer and collected over what he's doing, he organises the cart and stays close to you. Unlike Bo

- You know Vincent loves to check out the candle aisle, looking at all the different colours and scents. He can't help but pick 1 or 2 to get, I mean have you seen some of those scents (Tbh I would encourage him to get more) Even if the candles don't really work in his room, he loves to put some around the house you know. When you're watching a movie together or just having a romantic bath, he loves to go all out for you.

- Considering most people look at Vincent as the cook for the house, you know that man came prepared with a mental list or a paper list he made. This time getting the things you 'Actually' need, such as lots of fruit and vegetables, but still an unhealthy amount of junk food. Also lots of juice, much to Bo's request.

- He also can't help but like do that thing when the person wraps their arms around the person pushing the cart (Kinda like a hug from the back), he's so romantic!! UGHHHHH

- Also you know Vincent can't help himself but love those good discounts, anything that is on a discount and he normally buys. He is going to buy 5x more than what he normally gets, sorry Y/N he just has to.

LESTER SINCLAIR 🚙🩸🦌

- Lester loves shopping don't get me wrong but with his tight schedule, mainly consisting of him having to do the roadkill work. He doesn't have time to get groceries so much (Maybe that's the reason why he loves going over to Bo and Vincent's house 👀) But when you came along he trusts you to go shopping alone, or either with Bo or your friends. He knows that he doesn't get home till sunset and around that time he's tired and exhausted and doesn't wanna go out.

- Another guy whos all for going shopping either after midnight or before, so he can have a quick nap when he gets home before leaving with you, he probably hasn't even heard of 24-hour shops before. He acts so surprised when you say that there are

- Lester is much like Bo, he has a list of like 5-10 things he needs and he walks out carrying the most random and useless shit ever, only because they looked cool or the design of them. So yes he has brought a thing only because it looked cool, and more than once.

- OKAY BUT LIKE HEAR ME OUT! LESTER ABSOLUTELY LOVES THE PET SECTION. He's grabbing things from left to right and throwing them into the cart, I would not lie to you when I say he has to buy at least 1-5 things for Jonsey whenever he goes shopping, it's always toys or treats.

- He mostly buys wherever, to be honest, for example, he knows what's healthy and not and he knows that he wants you to be healthy so he probably lets you handle most of the food. Whatever you get he's happy, so if your the cook of the house expect Lester to just agree with what your getting, I mean your the boss to him.

- He is also staring at the guns too, but mostly staring at the knives (Hunting knives, Pocket knives, etc). They look so shiny and beautiful. and considering I guess they don't cost much, he'll ask you for approval before asking one of the employees to unlock the case it's in.

- Also gets himself lost a concerning amount of times, he needs a leash I swear, for example, you could be looking away for one second and when you turn your head he's gone. They probably have one of the employees talk over the speaker and yell out your name to come to get Lester.

[autisticandroids]

Hey as a cas preferrer over Dean what fics other than dta do you think Nail the cas characterisation?

so the thing is. i actually don't like dta that much, though i do admit that cas is the best part of it. but i still have some like. small nitpicks with dta cas.

anyway. the thing about good casfic is that it doesn't exist. like. there is fic that treats cas as important, treats his pain and suffering as mattering, but very little of it treats him with the complexity i'd like. and i think part of this is like. just the fact that there is more dean-centric fic and so there's more people who portray dean as a deeply complex and flawed person? but it's also because like. i don't know. people tend to woobify cas in a way i hate. like cas-centric fic, especially cas-centric angst, has a tendency to like. play up cas' innocence and purity, morally speaking, as well as purifying his suffering. like he tends to end up a beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure, who also suffers endlessly and with a smile, and also heals babies and rescues kittens. but i rather prefer like. rough edges and nastiness and the slightly gross reality of things. i want to see cas be selfish and yucky and have his emotions still matter. like. this is why i write. but like that basically never happens.

(actually, one of the reasons i tend to be so interested in endverse fic is because endverse cas is one of the only cas-es (along with godstiel) who is allowed any degree of complexity.)

so all that said. here is my fic rec list in general. and here are some fics where i really like the cas stuff, although i don't 100% agree with the characterization.

i really like this one (and its sequel) for cas characterization but it's also just like. a 2k character study

this one is GREAT for cas characterization but also only about 2k

this one is genuinely one of my top fics for cas characterization that shows his anguish in season fifteen without like. completely meowmeowfying him. hal_incandenza does really well with cas. but also i feel a bit odd reccing this because. well. i was on voicechat with the author for about 50% of the time it was being written. we influenced each other's view of cas so heavily that it's like. i think certainly some of my ideas about how cas should be came from this fic (or at least the mind behind it)

some godstiel-sympathetic godstiel-as-tragedy gen, which is like. the fact that such stuff exists is a boon to my soul even if i have my quibbles with this particular one

i really liked this fic (more godstiel tragedy) though it's a bit meowmeow

this one is very meowmeow but i love the manipulate mansplain malewife of like. cas lying about having amnesia to get a hug. i though that was suitably deranged of him

i like how sort of. fucked up in himself cas is in this one

this one is actually great in terms of being kind of grody on cas' end but it's also endverse cas. disappointing

this one is a like. cas gets angry at dean revenge fantasy (which isn't normally my bag, i tend to prefer it when like. dean does bad things to cas and then cas twists himself in knots to justify it, and maybe also takes it out on the rest of the world) but this one is interesting, at least

i'm not gonna say this one isn't meowmeow shit because it definitely is but i really like the relationship drawing and canon rewriting it does so it goes on here

i like this one, it's a destiel get together but it's cas pov and cas is so mad in it

cas get's uh. weird about dean's body in this one, which is fun. i'm also just a huge fan of ilovehowyouletmefall in general

this one is good because cas and dean's images of each other are very embarrassing in it, which i love. i absolutely stan spocklee. their work is generally impeccable

i'm a big fan of anything by sp8ce. they do tend to meowmeowfy cas a little bit, but a little meowmeowfication never killed anybody and they do it with much more thought and care than most. this one i really like because cas is like. so nuts in it. but anything by them

obviously i have to rec the first church at the end of the world. is this deangirl fic? unquestionably. but also the cas stuff in it is INCREDIBLE. but also mind the warnings mind the warnings please

and then well. in the end. i feel it necessary to plug my own fics. where in my humble opinion i successfully portray cas with serious complexity

[besidesitstoowarm]

"The Christmas Invasion" thoughts

currently pacing my apartment like i'm in the angry dome. so that's a good sign

not a lot of thoughts on the story itself. pretty serviceable stuff, not really in the vein of a "real" christmas episode in that it's just an episode that happens to be set at christmas without any accompanying themes. no beef about that

if i had a nickel for every doctor who story with a cool creature face design that turned out to be a mask hiding a less-cool humanoid face, i would have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice. the next great disappointment in this vein will be the introduction of the silurians, i'm still mad about that. love the sycorax ship tho, very geonosis

this episode gives us a pretty good primer for ten and highlights his best and worst quality, which is that he does not SHUT UP. this is often very entertaining, and some of his speeches are wonderful (the doctor who monologue is a phenomenal trope, and while eleven's in "rings of akhaten" is probably my favorite, each doctor has some bangers) but my GOD dude. ten is rather vain and loves the sound of his own voice even more than the other doctors, which is quite a feat. even when he's annoying, he's charming, tho. tennant is clearly having so much fun with the role

i want to keep note of a few things we see from ten here that will inform the rest of his tenure. ten-ure. do you get it. the quick jump from joking about satsumas to dead cold "no second chances" shows that under the bluster and bravado, there is a stone-cold killer in there. the coward no longer, not really. he's a fighter, not just a soldier

i have a little theory here i'm playing off. so i wrote in my "parting of the ways" post that rose and the tardis kind of corrupt each other, right? rose does to the tardis what she does to the dalek, she infects it with her human-ness. we see from this episode that the tardis and the doctor are symbiotic, too. so rose and the tardis mingle, and then the doctor kisses her to take back the tardis's heart, and it gives him super-cancer and he regenerates. there's no way that corrupting force didn't touch him too, right? i joke that nine imprints on rose but i think that's literally true for ten, rose's energy (and his depth of care for her) forced his regeneration. he's in a physically and emotionally turbulent time during early regeneration, he's elastic. i think rose is part of him, it's why he takes on so much of her personality (i attribute his dark streak to her, she risks her life this episode bc "he would"), it's why they get dangerously codependent this season, it's why he never recovers from her loss

so that'll be interesting to keep an eye on as the season progresses. the last thing i want to call attention to is, of course, those six words. you misogynistic son of a bitch. i generally agree when the doctor rails against humans being trigger-happy and xenophobic, but in this case the sycorax aren't like the pig in "aliens of london" or even the slitheen, they're colonialists! they rolled up on great britain and said "we own your planet, your minerals" like directly! they aren't refugees or harmless but weird. they're violent conquerors! they're just going to go genocide some other planet if allowed to leave! you JUST told harriet that all eyes are on earth as far as aliens go, and she's right, you're not usually around! she wasn't lashing out, she was making a measured and reasonable choice to protect earth both from the sycorax and for any other race that will see earth as easy pickings, as "children." and you deposed her through misogyny. oh i hate you. iirc he doesn't ever seem to openly realize that those six words are what bring the master into power in s3 or lead to the events of the s4 finale, but i could be wrong. i choose to be mad at him for now tho

oh actually last note. he looks dead sexy in the new fit but it's too normal, the doctor should look kind of shitty to me. ill-fitting or mismatched patterns or too many accessories or old-fashioned or some stupid gay bullshit no one would wear for real. fucking celery boutonnieres and patterned umbrellas and velvet suits. the doctor should look like he got dressed in the dark and doesn't own an iron

okay up and onward! there's kitty cat people in the next one :)