#next sets will be MUCH MUCH easier
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#build your blorbo ⟿ mike wheeler ◦ born: 04.07.1971 ✧ insp. ✧
#byler#mike wheeler#usergif#userblorbo#mine#mine:gif#once again: inspired by analog media#i put so much effort#yk the crt screen effect#the little blur#the vhs distorsion#i really love this#like one of my favorite sets EVER#so i hope you'll like it as well#next sets will be MUCH MUCH easier#because i'll start the semester again :(
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We are brothers. It's my job to take care of you— I don't need it. If you are that free, go find Zhang Teng. Or you can go back to the headquarters and take care of our boss.
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 04
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#nat chen#chen bowen#uservid#userspring#userrain#userspicy#pdribs#userjjessi#*cajedit#*gif#flashing gif#love chen yi treading the line between 'ai di is my brother but cdy is not my father' & 'cdy is my honorary father & ai di is my....what'#bc so much of it is projection of feelings onto cdy 'cause it's easier to combine romantic feelings with existing feelings of worship & awe#like being brothers with ai di is so easy too bc hes been there by his side his whole life like the rest of the gang brothers.#but that doesnt explain why chen yi loses it when ai di isnt around. something something souls entwined you know but he doesnt get it#you see in the third gif the way his eyes flick when ai di says 'it makes me happy'. he's like. but you are clearly not happy.#youre lying to me. why are you lying to me. im hurt bc i dont understand what youre feeling & youre not telling me when i deserve to know#(this ties to ep9 'ai di will get angry if he hears us' he KNOWS ai di is protective of him. but he doesnt know the underlying emotion)#then ai di's next line & chen yi sets his jaw like. 'you dont want me here? fine.' ai di is actually surprised & misinterprets his anger#('ofc i know whom he likes') - chen yi WAS upset about that dig but hes much more upset that ai di is pushing him away.#but despite being hurt he shows up hours later to help drunk ai di cuz even if he doesnt fully understand why. ai di always comes first
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my romantic self-esteem is just absolutely rock-solid. for whatever reason!
#I’m a catch!#and I’m so not interested in anybody who wouldn’t demonstrably make my life better in every way#and that involves not being afraid of me or the idea of romance/marriage in general#and if you are afraid it just isn’t interesting or attractive enough for me#there was a boy a few years ago and tbh I think he liked me#and I liked him! he was cute he was intense in an endearing way#and he was smart#we argued about Taylor and then the next time I saw him he was like Christmas tree farm is a good song#(it had just come out)#and he never did anything about it and then he moved away and that is totally fine#and I wish him well.#but the crush was killed by the simple fact that he never liked me enough to say it#like truly and with all (non-romantic) love; go with God#at that point lol#that said I have never wanted marriage or children as an abstract concept#so it makes it much easier to think along these lines#it would be so devastating to want it so badly and not get it!#but I can’t even imagine summoning the desire for it in an abstract sense#I’ll meet someone and love them and then that will lead to marriage and possibly children#or I won’t#but both roads look about the same to me in terms of desire#or any desire big enough worth mentioning#not talking about the whispers or the daydreams that do sometimes intrude#but yeah I don’t think full desire would come until there was a person#and there might not be! I cannot conjure them from the deeps lol#anyway I’ll stop talking about it because I know it can be sensitive/delicate to talk about#in a public setting
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y'all wtf — I think I might actually be done with worldbuilding. like... anything else added at this point are essentially secondary and surface details... goddamn
#it took like... 3 years tbh. maybe 4 😅#it's hard to know when you're truly done but i think i'm there#worldbuilding for my next game will be so so different... probably easier too#science and criminal law was too important to this one for research to be *all* fun 😆#none of that nonsense for wip 2... but so much research about los angeles 😑 ugh#maybe I'll end up changing 2's setting to new york 😆😆 LA has so much character and research only gets so much across#whereas at least i fuckin know nyc#lol anyway#progress
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today i tried to code more
#ik it looks very simple but im gonna make it look nice i swear!!#at least thats the plan lol#but im focusing on databases next to hold the different bfs that can be collected#run now if u dont wanna read a bunch of technical stuff....#main focus is on scary stuff until im confident i can have this site up and fuctional (tho ill draw here and there lol)#ive messed with and learned sql before but havent used it in any practical way#so setting this up is probably not going to be the fastest process#especially since ive never mixed images and databases before#im assuming u save the images to a folder and can just call them from there#every single bf on the site will have a unique id so that makes things much easier#tho i wanna make it so ppl can like decorate their bfs and stuff#dress them up and put backgrounds and items on them#so im wondering how you save those items on the bfs....#and it cant just be a screenshot cause the user should be able to access it again later and move stuff around#web development#anyways yea thats my update for today!#im kind of out of my realm but i dont care this is happening#i dont even care if 5 ppl r interested in this i just wanna succeed at making this whew#but yea i just want that kind of earlier website vibe#specifically like old neopets#or how cs looks right now#so im not gonna like get too overwhelmed!#im doing everything using html and css and js and php i think
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(btw if anyone who's been keeping up with my aubrey stuff wants the uncle reg backstory lore feel free to dm me lmao)
#i haven't had a lot of performance opportunities while i've been at school but i HAVE been doing a lot of aubrey writing#especially these past few weeks. and i've come up with and/or solidified so many random pieces of lore#which tbh makes writing and performing easier bc like aubrey is a full character i can improvise as now#i have so many lines constantly in the back of my head that i can relate to a topic and aubrey has so many specific details of zir history#ze feels very ''real'' in a way ze didn't even a few months ago which i know is gonna make performing so much better#also the open mic where i did my unplanned standup set and had a straight woman make out with me is happening while i'm in toronto next wee#i'm not planning on performing (tho that's what i said last time lmao) but i do wanna watch again#so i can continue establishing that as my spot for once i move up there full time#who knows maybe i'll be able to convince scott to go to the mic with me. tho probably not since it's the night before the kith show#(wouldn't it be hilarious if scott said no but mark was like ''count me in'' like thanks kid in the hall i just met)#but if i keep going enough times i'm sure we'll get another buddy/aubrey open mic set eventually lmao
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AU Thursday: Valicer In The Dark -- Fun With Special Abilities
We're back with my beloved Blades In The Dark trio again today, this time to discuss the fun special abilities they pick up during their time as scoundrels! I've touched upon this topic before, when I did the initial post on the group's playbooks, but I wanted to explore it in more detail now that I'm actually posting fic for the verse. Because there are a LOT of fun special abilities that these three can snag, both from their own playbooks and others. :D Here are the ones I've gotten locked down so far:
-->Alice: Alice, as per previous posts, actually starts with two special abilities -- Not To Be Trifled With, which allows her to perform superhuman feats of strength or take on a gang of up to six people on equal footing (like, say, a certain Bluecoat squad), and The Devil's Footsteps, which allows her to perform superhuman feats of agility (like a real-life double jump onto a carriage roof) or dance around her enemies so they attack each other. These two I think cover her Wonderland abilities in AMA and A:MR very well, and given that she starts with a trauma, Haunted, it felt only fair. As for the abilities she'll pick up as a member of the Three Pillars, we have --
A) Vigorous -- she heals faster from harm! In game-mechanical terms, this means she permanently fills in one quarter of her "healing clock" (a four-segment clock where you have to fill in all the segments to reduce all your accumulated harm down a level) and takes an extra die on healing rolls. This goes well with my headcanon that Alice heals exceptionally well (to explain how she survived a massive house fire with no visible burns on her character model) and just makes the whole process of healing easier for the person most likely to get in a fight (because it's fucking TOUGH in this game).
B) Bodyguard -- she's better at protecting her teammates from threats! She gets an extra die on resistance rolls (which allow her to avoid or reduce the consequences of an action) to protect Victor or Smiler from something or someone, and gets extra effect (aka better quality info) when she researches potential threats beforehand. This felt like a good one for Alice because I imagine she wants to make very sure that nothing horrible happens to Victor or Smiler during their time as scoundrels -- they're her new family, and she doesn't want to lose them! And it goes very well with a trauma I want to give her in the future -- but that's another post...
C) Ghost Fighter -- she can imbue her hands, melee weapons, or tools with electroplasmic power, giving her an edge against supernatural foes! Specifically, she gains potency against them (which improves the effect of her rolls against them) and can actually physically grapple with ghosts and other electroplasmic creatures to restrain them. This is just cool, and I think it would be something Alice would want, especially if and when they tangle against more supernatural creatures -- but this one actually comes with a prerequisite: Victor's gotta know the Ritual special ability first (see his section below the read-more). Because as Victor is the "magic guy" of the group, I feel like this is something they'd work on together. (Maybe after they turn Alice's knife into a electroplasmically-charged weapon by tying it to his lightning hook during their fight against the Jabberwock?)
D) Savage -- she is fucking scary when she unleashes the physical violence. Meaning she can frighten anyone who sees it, and gets a bonus die on rolls to then Command a terrified target. I see this as just a natural consequence of her getting better at real-world violence and the gang's reputation as a trio not to be messed with growing as time passes. Think of it as Alice basically entering real-life Ragebox Mode or Hysteria Mode -- that'd be pretty scary, wouldn't it? (And it also ties in well with that trauma I'll be talking about later...)
-->Victor: Victor starts with the Ghost Mind special ability -- he is always aware of any ghosts or other electroplasmic entities in his vicinity, and he also gets an extra die when he researches the supernatural. This felt the most appropriate for him given that I had him get dragged into the ghost field -- the supernatural echo of the city where ghosts actually live -- for an entire day as part of the process of adapting Corpse Bride for this setting. I mean, that would have to have some sort of side effect, right? As for what he gets as time goes on, we have --
A) Strange Methods -- he's better at inventing and making stuff that is a little arcane (like magical potions and odd spirit-related gadgets)! Game-mechanically, he gets a better result when he makes these kinds of things, and he automatically learns how to make one particular thing for free (instead of having to learn about it and figure out the process for making it during play). This special ability is going to cover Victor learning how to infuse insects (specifically moths and butterflies) with electroplasm to turn them into little radiant energy generators (radiant energy being the closest thing this setting gets to sunlight -- as you might imagine, it's pretty important for growing crops and thus important for making sure their greenhouse actually works!). It felt like the closest match for that project! Plus it might be fun to figure out what else he can make going forward...
B) Ritual -- he knows how to do ritual sorcery and can study or even invent his own rituals to call upon arcane powers! Much like Strange Methods above, he also gets one ritual that he knows for free when he takes this ability. This was another contender for the whole "how Victor figures out how to make radiant energy butterflies" thing above (though I obviously decided Strange Methods fit better), and I knew I wanted him to get this one regardless because come on, it's cool and dangerous magic. Who doesn't want cool and dangerous magic? XD And, as indicated above, it feels like a good prerequisite to some of the abilities he and his friends get, both as individuals and as a team -- I mean, Ghost Fighter feels like something you would need a ritual for, right? That being said, I'm not planning for every magical spell Victor gets through this ability being a straight-up ritual -- instead, this will also cover him learning the demonic language of sorcery, a concept briefly mentioned in the book that I found very cool and wanted to use more. Victor will still have to pay a stress cost to speak things into existence using the language, of course, and learn what various words mean and how to pronounce them, but he just has to say them to trigger the effect. I'm not sure what his first ritual or spell will actually be, mind, but I'm looking forward to finding out!
C) Warded -- he has special armor that allows him to deal better with supernatural nonsense! Specifically, he can "expend" the armor (check off the box on his playsheet) during a score to avoid supernatural consequences coming his way as a result of something he did, or to push himself (generally means picking up an extra die for your roll) when dealing with arcane forces, without having to take stress. I think this is a cool thing that Victor would very much like to have while dealing with the supernatural beasties he might encounter inside the city (as he can already tell that they're there) -- I picture his "special armor" as a coat he enchants with Elder Gutknecht's help, covering it in strange glyphs and suchlike to imbue it with arcane-busting power. (...actually, maybe he's inspired to make the coat after his ghost-busting score with Bonejangles. Must keep that in mind.)
D) Ghost Veil -- he can shift himself back into the ghost field for a few moments, becoming as shadowy and insubstantial as a ghost! In game terms, he takes two stress to do this, plus one extra stress if he wants to make it last longer, make himself fully invisible, and/or give himself the ability to float It's very cool, and it felt like the sort of thing that Victor would be able to do after his little trip into the ghost field courtesy of Emily -- it just takes him a bit to properly "unlock" the power. I was originally thinking that Ritual would have to be a prerequisite for it as a result (as Victor wouldn't figure it out until he got deeper into studying spellcraft and sorcery), but if it's something that's another side effect of his "ghost bride" adventures, maybe it's just something he stumbles on accidentally -- like, he does it on reflex during a fight, and the trick is figuring out how he triggered the effect so he can do it deliberately. I mean, it's probably still going to come after Ritual, simply because I plan for him to take that early, but -- yeah.
E) Tempest -- he can push himself to unleash a bolt of lighting as a weapon, or summon a storm (rain, fog, high winds, heavy snow) in his immediate area! Costs him two stress in game terms, but I think it's worth. This is just downright cool, and I love the idea of Victor being able to do something so powerful. He is more dangerous than he looks with this! This one definitely does have Ritual as a prerequisite, though, because I picture this ability as being tied to the demonic language of sorcery (hell, the book itself implies that it is). So Victor has to be able to use said language before he can fry people with lightning. Small price to pay!
-->Smiler: Smiler starts with the Alchemist special ability -- they're good at brewing up anything with alchemical features (drugs, non-magical potions, things like that), and get one formula that they already know for free. Since my concept for them in this verse is "cultist drug dealer," and I've always pictured them as an excellent chemist regardless of the universe they're currently occupying, this was a no-brainer as their starting ability. And as you might expect, their free formula is their signature Joy Serum -- after all, you can't be a drug dealer if you don't know how to make the drug. XD Anyway, as for what they get while running around with Victor and Alice, we have --
A) Physicker -- they gain enough medical knowledge to serve as the team doctor! Specifically, in game terms, this lets them Tinker with people's bodies to treat wounds and stabilize the gravely injured; Study maladies to see how to treat them and corpses to see how they died; and gives everyone in the crew an extra die when it comes to healing rolls. This is something that I think Smiler would like to pick up just to help keep their partners safe and healthy -- being a scoundrel is a dangerous job, after all, and hurt or sick friends are unhappy friends! Plus it's just good in practical terms, because, as I mentioned before, healing is tough in this game, and any advantage you can get is a good one!
B) A Little Something On The Side -- they get extra money after every score! In game terms, this means that at the end of every "downtime" phase (time after scores when characters work on projects and acquire assets and relieve stress and suchlike), they get two extra "stash" (how the game tracks each scoundrel's personal finances -- how much stash you have determines how good your character's lifestyle is and if your character ends up destitute on the street or in a halfway-decent home when they retire). I think this is a good one for Smiler simply because it feels like a good way to represent mechanically them still continuing to sell Joy Serum when they're not doing scores with Victor and Alice. They may not be living with the Advocates anymore, but that does not absolve them of their responsibility to bring chemical joy to the masses! Though, given that Smiler canonically sells their Joy Serum for cheap, maybe I'd reduce this to one extra stash. We'll see.
C) Mesmerism -- they have the ability to not only talk someone into something, but also make them forget that they were ever talked into it! Specifically, when they successfully Sway someone, they can also choose to have the person forget that it happened -- at least, until they next time they see Smiler, at which point they are like "HEY!" XD This one just feels like an appropriate one to me because it fits well with the actual rollercoaster's theme of hypnosis and mind control. And I did give Smiler a little hypno-wheel as one of their starting gadgets -- maybe they use that when they're using this ability? Or maybe this is an additional blessing from Mar-Mal that they get for helping the Advocates out with something...hmmm. I'll have to think about it. Point is, it's thematically appropriate, and could make for some interesting scenes.
D) Functioning Vice -- they're better at indulging their vice in a way that does not cause them to overindulge -- and can help Victor and Alice do the same! In game terms, this means whenever Smiler indulges their vice (which is how you reduce stress after scores -- you roll dice equal to your lowest attribute score and remove the highest number from your stress tracker), they can adjust the roll up or down by one or two to prevent overindulgence -- and any allies who indulge with them can do the same. I saw this in action in Oxventure Presents: Blades In The Dark with Johnny's character Kasimir in the second season, and holy fuck is it useful. Like, this is the ability to get if you want to make sure your scoundrels can reduce their stress quickly and safely. And Johnny was using it on a character whose vice was Obligation and involved Kasimir tending his busted knee -- Smiler's vice is Pleasure! Do you know how much easier that is to pair with another vice? Alice has an Obligation to keep an eye on the children of Houndsditch? Take 'em on a picnic! Victor has a taste for the Weird? Go on a shopping trip to a bookstore to look for occult books! Want to do something all together? Take the kids out and have Victor demonstrate some of the safer magic tricks he's learned! :D Seriously, this is going to be like their best special ability --
Which is why it's kind of a shame that I've already come up with a score revolving around them overindulging their vice at the Golden Plum restaurant and then having to help Chef Roselle there get ingredients for a new dish. XD So yeah, Smiler can only get this ability after that happens. Probably inspires them to be more careful when indulging their desires!
E) Trust In Me -- they're better at anything they may choose to do against a target who they already have an intimate relationship with! Basically, in any roll against someone whom they already know well, they get an extra die -- and no, it doesn't have to be a social roll, nor does the relationship have to be that kind of intimate -- they just have to be close. I think this one fits Smiler simply because they're the most extroverted of the three, and probably have all sorts of friends scattered around the city that could be convinced to help the Three Pillars on their various scores. I do picture them using this mainly to help Sway friends to their various causes -- Smiler's a lover, not a fighter, and wouldn't want to damage the friendship by doing something mean. Though if someone they like decides to be an ass to them first -- well, all bets are off. Smiler may not be good at throwing a punch, and not want to hit a friend, but if they have to...
Whew! Quite the lists, huh? And this isn't even getting into the special abilities the trio can pick up as a crew! Not to mention the upgrades I have planned for their lair... I think telling you all about that will have to be a separate post, though. This one's long enough already. XD
#valicer in the dark au#valicer#blades in the dark#special abilities#victor van dort#alice liddell#smiler alton#the nice thing about this game is that it encourages you to mix and match abilities from the various playbooks if you want#mind you it isn't THAT clear about it#each playbook has a 'veteran' ability on it that has three checkboxes next to it#and the description 'choose a special ability from another playbook'#but as clarified on the forums you don't have to pick all the other special abilities on the playbook to get access to 'veteran'#and you can take it more than three times#that's just how the playbooks were designed#John Harper you might have at least given it another name??#ah well I'm glad I learned that because it's allowed me to mix and match as necessary#like both Alice and Victor's special abilities are largely from their Cutter and Whisper playbooks#but they each have one Lurk (the 'stealthy infiltrator' playbook) ability too#(The Devil's Footsteps and Ghost Veil if you were curious)#while Smiler's set is a mix of Leech Slide and one Spider ability#which makes sense because they are both the 'tech person' and the 'face' of the group#and I could NOT turn down Functioning Vice after seeing it in action#like holy hell that ability is amazing#Smiler is going to make recovering from stress so much easier once they get it#and given some of the shit I put them through#they're gonna need it#queued
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there were too many to post in a read more under the post, so here's all the credits for my hyperdrama criterion posters set - fonts list & photoshoot sources included
photoshoot sources: - neverender, dear alan, explorer, afterimage: julia & vincent from their instagram & featured in mixmag - moonlight rendezvous: photo by andré chémétoff (alt) - one night/all night, incognito: boby for liberation - mannequin love, the end: joel barhammond for billboard - generator: benoît peverelli for télérama - saturnine: jessica pons for nyt - muscle memory: justice rockyrama issue, scanned by @/lesreptiles! - harpy dream: australian financial review textures/overlays - paper texture master folder - i don't remember who compiled this unfortunately but i've been using it for ages! - saturnine bg - pikisuperstar on freepik - additional textures & layers from @/colour-source - everything else handmade by me! inspo - 'one night/all night' inspired by the band static dress & their advertisement for rouge carpet disaster - @/spikes-jonze's franz ferdinand criterion edits - @/hidekomoon's paramovies fonts list - criterion: gotham - neverender: heavitas, kiona - generator: semplicitia, ting tong - afterimage: modernline, balgon serif - one night/all night: gotham, AXIS - dear alan: the artisan, modernline - incognito: century schoolbook, feeling passionate - mannequin love: romance, losta masta - midnight rendezvous: cezanne, betty noir - explorer: kiona, powerlord - muscle memory: minecraft, arcade - harpy dream: aesthetic, ting tong - saturnine: losta masta, cezanne - the end: lemon milk, tondu
special thanks to eva and lydia for their support & feedback during the entire editing process :) and of course justice community for all your support <3 x
#somehow more time consuming than my deleted ghost gifsets#thought this would be easier than gifs but it took me over a week#as it turns out the you have so much freedom it makes it a diff kind of challenge#i said i gotta be louder abt these guys and churned out four poster sets in 2 weeks. woman era up next (if i can...i have 2 only)#i had a lot of fun#if you see this post early dw about it...it will make sense soon#*credits#*fonts
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Everyone's on about Miguel beefing with a 15 yo, which sure it's funny, but y'all are letting the Spot, "I now declare this child that MY INVENTION inflicted this anomalous occurrence on, my lifelong nemesis", the ULTIMATE beef haver, to go unchecked.
#spireverse spoilers#across the spiderverse spoilers#you know at least miguel has the excuse that 15yo or not Miles's actions might cause TWO whole dimensions to collapse#assuming both pavitr's and miles' own dimension have a similar population to ours#thats SIXTEEN BILLION LIVES at stake babes#yah like no i'd also be going kooky crazy in his shoes#ofc his handling of Miles' situation wasn't good but that's not. precisely his job? Breaking the news shouldve fallen on Peter and Gwen#yanno. his actual friends? but they skirted around the subject too much so woops it falls on Miguel now#the most emotionally unsuited for this task guy possible. woopsies.#get ready for the most projection filled fight of your life kid cause it sure is cheaper quicker and easier than therapy!#I jest and the projection part is true but tbh i think too many people in the tags are interpreting Miguel being antagonistic to the rest-#as him having personal beef with children instead of him focusing (too much) on the bigger picture. like..isnt that his entire personality?#the 'fate of the multiverse' guy? cmon now.#the main issue is that miles Does Have To TRY- that's part of the canon event in the first place#trying and failing. if his plan of keeping him trapped until jeff died had worked then his dimension would most likely also collapse#if anything the way things are set up rn is sooo interesting because miles IS precisely on the way to fulfill a canon event#the question is - are they going to play into that- or is there going to be a twist. Gwen's realization that Her dad could in fact Quit -#comes to mind#i for one would find it really funny if the plot of the next movie is trying to convince jeff to quit his job but i doubt it jxnsn#my guess is that since this is basically the variation of the trolley problem where the singular person on the tracks is one you care about#(but said person is simultaneously also on the 5 person rail because if they don't die everyone does)#and miles has decided to just go and stop the fucking trolley itself fnsjsj#the plot's gonna go a bit more all out . /Beyond/ the previous scope- if you will#the only sticking point i have with this movie in general though is pavitr sticking with the group like.#“obviously he would've stuck with miles- he wouldn't want the guy to die!”so you think he prefers the version of events where everyone does#his friends? his aunt - whatever family he has- his girlfriend? EVERYONE?#yeah like nah until he can solidly know that shits gonna be fine in his home world i don't think it makes sense for him to fuck around more#yanno?#not that I dont want to see more of him- on the contrary I fuckin love his design to bits#just saying if miguel drops the bomb that his universe collapsed and my guy switches sides i would not be surprised
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honestly after going through dawntrail on two characters i think my only complaint is that they say theyre siblings but not by blood too often.
like. no we know lmao we can tell.
#ffxiv#ffxiv dawntrail#its like stormblood but less refugee crisis and well we know how i personally feel about stormblood#(holding it in my arms and spinning)#like every complaint people have had ive been able to find ways to justify them or be like 'maybe yall dont like story telling'#i kinda think of it like this:#arr through endwalker is the game. like that is one full complete story.#dawntrail is like. the first real dlc. the first dlc that isnt the main story#so im fine with it feeling like it has less circumstances than the other expansions (except for those few parts)#i also given what i just said about arr to endwalker i also think dawntrail is like. the arr of the next expansions#i feel that its setting stuff up for the future and i think it did a good job#i like the characters the story was fun and the fate farming IS SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER IM GONNA FUCKING THROW UP#also the glams are good and i much prefer this normal raid series from the last one#if you asked me about the pandæmonium raids i would be unable to tell you anything. i find ancients so boring#in one ear out the other and i watched those cutscenes TWICE
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hey i’m a mutual who dropped out in 7th grade and i just want u to know that things will be ok. i’m going back to school this year and like you can just stop either temporarily or permanently. i promise u it will be ok
:((( thank u so much this means a lot to hear . my plan has been to drop out for like two years at this point but i never really expected it to feel this much like a huge change even though it was always going to be. and my mother asked me if i just wanted to drop out when i told her i didn't want to go in today and it's sent me on a downward spiral. sorry for putting this on your dash board whoever is online and whoever saw it.
#ugh whatever sorry these tags r going to be so whiny don't look at them if u dont want to see that.#UGHHHEH its just so much. because at least having the option to have somewhere to go every day even if i never take it has been like.#almost some sort of comfort to me. because i don't want to sit around every day if it's not my choice to be doing so.#but i've never had a job. i don't know how to write a resume i don't know how to answer interview questions i don't know anywhere that#would take me that i can get to on my own since i can't drive. but if i don't get a job. i'll be sitting around broke and miserable until#applications for the course i want open up. and i don't know how to do that. the more i think abt it today the more dropping out feels#like the best option but it doesn't make it feel less like the huge step i know it'll be. i don't have a life without school. it's the only#place i ever see my few irls. it's my one source of human interaction every week. what do i do if it's not there for the next#half a year. assuming i passed the test i needed to pass and also get into the course i want. i don't know.#and everythings in my favour!! everything is going for me!! i have it easier than so many kids at my school!#my mother is a teacher and she gets me so many of the things i need because she knows the system. literally two weeks ago she got it set up#so that i don't have to go to one of my classes because it was making me miserable and i was complaining abt it constantly.#and i just feel bad that all of her effort will have gone to waste? i know she's done everything she can but it still hasn't fixed my#hatred for the school system and i feel so bad. I DONT KNWO WAHT TO DO!!! IM GOING TO KILL MY SELF!!!#whatever what ever. i;m overreacting it's what ever
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我这双手以前也是挽过大弓、降过烈马的。可是现在只能在这阴诡地狱里搅弄风云了。// These hands of mine once drew great bows and tamed fierce horses. But now, they can only stir up the storm in this scheming hell. (Mei Changsu, episode 11)
The way he reaches into the coals until the heat forces him to flinch back, and as he does so you can't entirely tell whether he's laughing or sobbing...
The way he says this whilst looking at his own unrecognisable hands...
The way this feels like the first time in the show--after seeing him in brief moments seem to mourn those who are lost or places that have changed or people he still walks among but can never stand beside in the same way--that you see him mourn himself.
#neuxue watches lyb#so this scene wrecked me#also i want to set it next to the 'it's snowing' scene and something about how he can patiently wait out the snow#('though it falls ever fiercer and ever faster you and i both know eventually it will cease')#but he cannot keep himself from reaching into the flames#something about 'do not presume to judge my choices' vs 'did you know these hands once drew great bows'#something about how it's so much easier to keep that calm resilience when offering comfort to another who is experiencing a first breaking#vs here when there is no one in need of his comfort but also no one to comfort him and so all he can do is speak the grief aloud#idk there's just a fire and ice thing going on between those two scenes in my mind and it's fine we're fine
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im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia
#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT#but also i just. cannot hack it#'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also#like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently#and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good#and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home#so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN#and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum#that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job#like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good#and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications#and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-'#and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no#like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set#on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through#is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through#ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL#and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree#(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use#and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person#to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer#bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly#and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident#and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people)#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments#i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it#yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up#hella goes to uni
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Apparently Dillard’s will give you free vials of perfume if you ask. Those fuckers are SO lucky the road into town is too slick for me to drive on right now.
God willing, their luck will run out by my next day off. 😂
#I don’t intend to abuse it! I WOULD like to buy something full-price as thanks for their help#and also just because I’m a luxurious bitch who HAS to treat himself to something fancy every now and then 😌💁🏻#but holy fuck this will make it SO much easier to pick my splurge#I just ordered a sampler set from tocca to celebrate my new job~#but it was $26 and tom ford samplers are like… $70-90 😭#also! I got a subscription to scentbox! my first order will include tom ford’s grey vetiver and vince camuto’s amore~#ah! what should I schedule for next month’s order? I’m so excited!#peaches develop a fixation/interest that ISN’T painfully expensive challenge (IMPOSSIBLE!)#peaches screams into the void
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Chart b finished on shawl #10, which means I’m officially free from purl decreases. People who can do purl two together through the back loop and don’t want to cry are stronger than me.
#knitting#knitblr#lace rot#lace knitting#wip#this didn't actually take me that long i just didn't work on it for a couple days because of a Small Medical Emergency that i won't go into#but it be like that#the next chart involves a LOT of mesh and i'm not super into how it was charted out#i understand that this shawl involves some purl rows with other things going on. but you don't need to chart every single purl row.#it makes the chart MUCH harder to read. esp when it's all purls except for the garter stitch border.#the mesh involves mostly double yarn overs and they could've just said k4. p1 k1 into every double yarn over#they charted out the whole row with the purls and knits#maybe this is actually more user friendly to specifically people new to lace knitting and i just learnt from too many older patterns#but in this case i'd much rather just have a rs row chart#it's a lot easier for me to read and concentrate on and not get lost with#also my dad bought himself a printer so i don't have to work out of the book anymore!!#does it feel like a waste of paper when it's already printed in the book? a little bit. but it pisses me off less.#also i might swap to working on something else for a bit#not decided yet but. these are currently my longest needles for this interchangeable set.#but when my mom asked for hannukah gift ideas i sent her a link for longer cords and she told me she got them for me#but theyre HANNUKAH/christmas gifts so i have to wait for three weeks :(
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lately my only goal w my writing sessions is just to do whatever i need to feel good and set myself up for success w the next writing session and it feels kind of like basic advice but i seriously never gave specific focus to that and it's kinda life changing lol
#like i'll have specific goals like finish this story draft or write this many words finish this scene/chapter etc#but if i dont feel like i can make that happen i try not to see it as a failure and just reroute it into#okay what do i need to do to make sure i get closer to that tomorrow#or will make it easiest for me to get back into it tomorrow/what will set me up for success tomorrow#actually v clearly focusing on THAT instead of focusing on what i DIDNT do right now makes the whole#thing feel easier overall AND makes me feel like i can actually continue to get closer to Finishing The Thing#and i make it very tangible like how much do i need to write that also accommodates my abilities today. or do i just need to write a quick#outline or just the first line etc#i dont think im gonna finish this micro first draft tonight so i thought what can i do that will help ensure i (hopefully) can tomorrow#and it was just write all the lines that are in my brain out on the page. like no matter what i can do that n i probably can do more#like i have specific goals and self imposed deadlines so im trying to get things done by certain times but giving myself grace with it so i#dont burn myself out in the process#also trying to plan in advance so i never Have to do something By The Next Day that i dont think i can do#this is what helped me finish my dissertation LOL#i realised it was far more beneficial to not force myself over my limits for that day but set myself up for success the next day#i would be like “i need to do this but i know it will be easier to do it with a refreshed mind tomorrow”#and i kept thinking “getting a good nights sleep will help me more tomorrow than forcing myself to write/edit more”#“so i have less to do tomorrow”. like okay maybe id have less to do but id also have less brain power bc i overexerted myself!#which then turned into okay what else can i do to ensure success tomorrow etc#like im tired tonight! my brain isnt working! but i know i can do things that will make me more motivated to write tomorrow#and that in itself is a success. no failure in writing as long as you are taking care of and helping yourself#instead of isolating every writing session into a single Okay How Much Can I Do Today#but acknowledging how a string of writing sessions work together. some have more production some dont#and working with that
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