#new years resolution is “new directions” and this has been on my mind for a while.

[cadere-art]

Doing some non-trivial design changes to antioles, wish me luck

[flattocatto]

Gym glow

a fanfic based off the art by the TALENTED @thatbunnibaby on X. i drool at their art at least 5 times a day. idk if i should make a part two heheheh

synopsis: Sevika had the gall to invite you to the gym with her. She wanted to spot you, help you build muscle. All the meanwhile, she’s a terrible distraction… a terribly sexy one.

sevika x f!reader (lets be real shes for the girlies), gawking, reader has like never been to the gym (sorry gym girlies), writer hasnt been to the gym jn four years…, i dont know the currency but google told me, probably incorrect use of gym equipment, reader has 0 muscle built (that is the only body description)

nicknames she used on you: doll, princess, munchkin

WORD COUNT: 3,590

The fact that Zaun had a gym was news to you. Last time you checked, all Zaun truly advertised was bars, gangs and Shimmer. The address that was given to you on a napkin was messy, some back alley off of the Lanes. Under it read, ‘5:30 am. 5 silver cogs per admission. Don’t be late. - S’. The ‘don’t’ had been underlined four times.

It boggled your mind that you had gotten into talking to Sevika last night. You barely remembered it. Probably because of the several rounds you recall her ordering for the two of you. All you remember about being invited to the gym in the first place is you got caught staring.

“Is there something on my abs or something?” The woman had teased you.

You had said something along the lines of, “No! I like your muscles,” or some other. It was so much easier to remember Sevika’s voice. It almost demanded authority… and well, it was hot. What could you say?

And the next thing you know, you were roped into not only waking at the crack of fucking dawn, but waking up still hungover. You had only gone to bed at 1 in the morning too. Your brain was not agreeing with you at all, stumbling to get something to wear. You changed into some suitable clothes to leave, and packed a bag with some gym clothes. Also known as that one pair of sports shorts you splurged on for a New Year’s resolution years ago, and an old tank top.

You began the walk down to the general location of the gym. At 5 am, The Lanes were quieter, minus a few people sleeping or passed out drunk. The directions on the napkin were odd. ‘Pass the pawn shop, turn into the alley on the east. Walk past the food stall — first door on the left.’ You had to check the napkin at least 10 times before you stood in front of the door. A sign on the door said in big, bold letters, ‘gym entrance.’

Pushing open the door, you were met by a woman at the front counter. She was messing around with the chipping wood of the desk before she looked up at you. The door to the gym (you assumed) was blocked off by a gate — that the woman at the counter could probably open.

You approached the counter and placed the 5 silver cogs down. The woman took them with a grin, making sure they were real. She analyzed each coin, before she nodded. “One hour. Be out by 6:30.” She moved over the desk to open the gate for you. “Change rooms are to the left.”

With an exchange of thanks you headed past the little gate and into the gym. To your right was indeed the change rooms as the lady said, but then in front of you was the gym. You looked around, to not see Sevika at all. Only some other stronger women were working out. A frown fell on your lips, but you quickly allowed your face to relax. Maybe she was changing. Going up to the change room, you see there is no sign to separate genders. Odd… every gym you had seen in magazines and heard of in books normally separated men, women and others.

The door squeaked as you pushed it. The hinges definitely needed some sort of TLC, grease or whatever. You headed to a nearby bench and began to change into the clothes you had brought. Face to the wall of the bench. Not wanting to stare at anyone else potentially changing.

Just as you were taking off your shirt, the light you had around you was cut off by a dark, larger shadow. You almost felt frozen. Well, you were. You didn’t move past your arm half stuck in your sleeve. A chuckle came from the figure at that. “Don’t be so scared now. Surprised you even remembered to show up.”

You let out a sigh of relief, knowing that voice. You look up and back to confirm your suspicion, meeting your eyes with Sevika’s. The older woman stepped back some, arms crossing over her chest. “Well? Don’t let me stop you from changing,” Sevika spoke firmly.

It was obvious she wasn’t leaving until you were finished. You nodded, a little too fast, continuing to get undressed. It didn’t take too long, all you knew is she was watching you. Which, of course, made you go quicker. Not like she needed to see all that. Even if you wanted her to…

You turned around to face her and — for the love of all that was holy, whatever she had on? Was not making you feel holy. Whatever it was, it was tight. A sports bra that hugged every aspect of her chest… though terribly. It rather exposed it, as well as her abs. They were toned and defined from her efforts, and down… a lovely happy trail. You couldn’t help but ogle at it, a little too long.

“My eyes are up here,” Sevika said lowly, a smile to her face. It caused you to look up again, meeting her eyes.

“Sorry,” you apologised, then looked away. A flush rose on your cheeks quicker than you’d like to admit, the embarrassment hitting you as quick as a chilly wind.

The two of you headed out to the gym part, it only being you two this early. The place had seemingly just opened. Sevika didn’t even mind the solitude, she just walked to the rack of dumbbells. They were worn down. To you, it was obvious the equipment wouldn’t be top class. This was Zaun, after all. Sevika grabbed one, for her one organic arm. A 40 pound one, then motioned toward the rack for you.

“Grab some. We’re gonna warm up.”

“With these?” You grabbed a set of 5 pound ones. Too light… you went up to 10, which was comfortable enough. But you set them back, grabbing the 15 pound ones. These were better — if you went up any more in weight, it’d be a jump to 25. A gap in the pattern.

Sevika just nodded, looking at you. Blank faced. “You’ve never worked out like this before, huh?”

Embarrassment quelled within you again. Like a gnawing anxiety. You felt scrutinized, even though Sevika didn’t look like she was scrutinizing you. You shook your head left and right in response, earning a chuckle from the other woman.

“It’s a new place, I wouldn't expect as much from a girl like you… no offence. It’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it. You gotta warm up so you don’t break your muscles.”

You just nodded as she explained. The dumbbells in your hands had gone down with your arms to your sides in her explanation. She then moved one leg in front of the other, bending it forward. The one behind her was slightly bent too, yet not on the floor. Like she was getting down on one knee, except wider in the length of the stature.

She looked over at you, “Copy me. Come on now, don’t just stand there like a deer in headlights, doll.”

Quickly you copied her movements, lunging down as she did. You were a tad wobbly with the dumbbells on your side, but eventually you found balance with your hips.

“Good.” Sevika nodded, “Now curl the dumbbells up like this,” she demonstrated, moving the one in her hands up to her shoulder. “All the way up, just above your collarbone. 10 reps — that’s 10 times.”

You did it 10 times, as she had said. It started off quite easy, but the strain in your legs began to develop. You made a little face, one of which Sevika noticed, but made zero comment. She had already done her 10 reps. After you finished, you let out a sigh.

“Okay. Switch legs now. Do it all over again, the 10 reps.”

There was more?! You did as she said, though. You didn’t want to look weak or anything in front of her. This was essentially like a first meeting. The first one you were sober, that is. She was already in her position, and once again you were still finding damn balance.

You curled the dumbbells up, then back down, then up again. She was doing some extra reps, before she stood. You finished your last rep, standing up as well. She went to set her dumbbell back, and you did too.

“We’ll do more with those some other time,” Sevika said, before moving over to a mat again. She pat the spot next to her with her mechanical arm, to which you immediately sat next to her. “We should stretch those hamstrings of yours. Also good for the hips.”

She put her legs out in front of her. You copied. She reached out, grabbing her foot with her hand. You copied again. “You feel a pull?” She asked you.

“Yeah, kinda hurts…” you mumbled, but kept there.

She looked over at your form and tutted, “Full hand. Not just those fingers on those toes. Put your palm over your toes.”

You tried, but you could feel your knee bending a tad. With a frown, you looked over at her. “I don’t think my arms are long enough.”

“Then with your fingers, bend your foot back some. It’s gotta pull to stretch ‘em out.” She sounded much more relaxed like this. Not as gruff as she did at bars.

You did as she said and took a deep breath. It burned, it hurt. But not too bad. Nothing unbearable.

“Next leg,” she said after a few moments. You both switched legs at the same time, and repeated the motion. She was mouthing something. Numbers, counting the seconds per each ‘rep,’ it seemed.

After that, she moved her legs to sit crisscross. Almost. Except her feet were together, hands holding them that way. You mimicked her, as usual, silently. She moved her legs up a little then down, almost pressed to the floor. Then she leaned forward as her legs were down. It was a pretty sight, you had to pick your damn jaw up to copy the movement.

While you could only get your head slightly close to the floor, her forehead was much closer to the mat. She was focused, face tense with it. You kept staring, even as you copied her movements.

When she leaned up again, she looked over to you. Catching you staring. Caught, again, staring at her. Again. She did tell you to copy her, though, so she couldn’t blame you too much. “You enjoying the show, princess?”

You looked away, sitting up again like she did. Swallowing, you avoided the question. “You’re a good teacher.”

Sevika let out a breath of a laugh at that, standing up again. “Sure thing. You ever deadlifted?”

You shook your head, and she went over to grab a barbell. She set it on the ground, motioning for you to go by it. As you did, she grabbed another, a larger one. Yours was thinner, a little bit shorter too. She didn’t grab any of those little worn out plates, though. She set her bar next to yours.

“Put your feet apart like this, not too much, like shoulder width.” She moved her feet, about a foot and a half apart. You copy that, again. It felt like you were a toddler being taught to walk at this rate with how much you mimicked her. She nodded at your form then continued. “Make sure the bar is at the midpoint of your foot here. Like over the middle. Then bend over, like there’s some stool or whatever behind you. Kinda like a squat…”

You do as she said, but you leaned a little too forward. She noticed, and shook her head. “No, that’s how you’ll hurt yourself and fall on your ass. Y’gotta make it so your shins are parallel with the bar if you were gonna lift it up. Now grab it, get a good grip there. Not directly shoulder width this time.” She demonstrated, and you nodded, doing as she said. “Good, yeah. Now, pull up, but don’t be all limp. Keep those muscles tense. Again, so you don’t fall on your ass.”

You did as she said, lifting the bar up. It was quite light. Sevika nodded at your movements, heading over to you. She placed her flesh hand on your back, the mechanical one just under your boobs. She straightened your back out. “Keep your back straight. Won’t strain as much. Always keep your gaze forward, to prevent neck strain. Put it down.” She moved her hands away, resting them on her hips as she stepped back.

With a nervous swallow, you set the bar down. Reversing the motion from before. “Lift it back up,” Sevika commanded, to which you complied, heeding her earlier advice. Back straight. Gaze forward. It felt more natural. Less… well, less tense, despite being tense to lift it.

Sevika nodded and smiled a little. Just a quirk of her lips upright. “Now y’won’t throw your damn back out lifting, huh?”

“Thanks,” you said in response.

“No issue. Can’t have a pretty thing like you gettin’ hurt.” There that smile was. Slyer, gap toothed and… well, attractive. She went over to the rack of worn weight plates, grabbing two 25’s. “Here, put these on your bar.” She handed you one.

You both began putting the plates on your barbell, then clamping them on so they didn’t slip off. She grabbed two 50’s for her bar, as if it was nothing. With her prosthetic arm, of course, it would be nothing. After she made sure her bar was all set, she got in formation as she had taught you. “Let’s do 10 reps again, mm?” She already started before you could argue.

You stood there and just stared at her a little bit. Ogling, sure, but damn was she something. That focus back on her face, lips slightly pursed, muscles bulging… it was doing something to you. The way her thighs swelled with each up and down, it was mesmerizing. You snapped yourself out of it and began to do your own reps, as she instructed.

It was easy to start, as usual. Then once your muscles tired it grew more difficult. Still, you pressed on, once again wanting to impress her. When you finished, you set it down almost shakily. Your arms were sore, they felt like noodles. You looked over at her, catching her being the one looking.

“Not too bad for your first time, munchkin.”

“Munchkin?” You looked at her, brow slightly furrowed.

“Yeah. You ain’t got any muscle on ya. Essentially a munchkin.” She smirked, and began to take the plates off her barbell. A few more people were coming in now, seeing as it was a little past 6 in the morning. You took the plates off yours as well, tossing the clamps in the little bucket with the rest. You put your barbell back in the stand, and Sevika didn’t. You looked over at her, hand going to grab your barbell again. “Nah,” she shook her head, picking hers up easily with her mechanical arm. “I’m gonna teach you how to bench press right. Keep that bar there, c’mon.”

She led you two over to a bench, setting the barbell down on the bar catch. She motioned to the bench. “Lay back on it. Legs on either side, head at the little separator part up top. You want your shoulders at about where the bar is so you can put your arms up comfortably at a 90 degree angle there.”

You did as instructed, once again. To test, you lifted your arms to grab the bar. It was a tad too high, and you were a bit too forward, so you shifted down. Sevika, on the other hand, took the bar off and moved the bar catches down one slot.

“Try that. Is it low enough that you can bend your arms slightly to put it in the catch?” Sevika asked, and you reached again. It was much more comfortable, you tested by lifting the bar a bit. You could lift and put it back.

You nodded, affirming more with a soft, “Yep. Seems alright.”

“Good. Take it off the rack. Arch your back slightly, then bring the bar down comfortably…” you did as directed again, as she spoke. “Yeah, like that. Then push it back up.”

It felt a lot easier than the deadlift so far. Yet you were scared you’d drop it and snap your damn neck. But it wasn’t too heavy, not with any weights. Still heavier than your deadlift bar, but not overwhelmingly so. You did a few reps like that before she could even tell you, before you put it back on the bar catch.

The stronger woman had her arms crossed over her chest, nodding a bit. “Keep that form. I’m gonna go get some plates for you.”

She left you. Lying there, staring at the ceiling. You didn’t bother to move an inch, not wanting to defy her. She was back in a few moments, applying two 10 pound weights to each side of the bar. Then she grabbed some clamps to stick them on.

“I’ll be spotting you,” she said, and moved back toward your head. “Do a couple reps. As much as you feel you can.”

She rested her hands on her waist as she watched. You grabbed the bar and when you set your head back against the bench again… you got a face full of boobs. Well, not literally. They were like the only part of Sevika you could see. You swallowed your saliva, your throat suddenly dry. Like you ate a cup of sand. Drank? Ate…? Whatever. You did your reps as she said.

You kept pushing on. You could do a few more, you said in your head. Trying to look cool for her. Knowing Sevika, she was probably counting. Your arms shook slightly, each time getting more shaky. You went to put it back on the catch but slipped. This was it, you were about to be choked out by a damn barbell on your first time. All because you tried to impress the woman whose boobs were the only thing you saw going out. An honourable way to die. Eyes full of a pretty lady’s breasts.

Except it never fell. And you were breathing, alive, startled. You had shut your eyes at some point, and opened them to find Sevika setting the bar in the catch herself. She looked down at you, and you could actually see her face now. “You can’t let yourself be distracted,” she said lowly, “and you shouldn’t push yourself past your limits. If I weren’t here, you’d give the front desk lady a messy clean up job.”

Before you could say anything, she scooted the bench forward. “C’mon. Our time is about up anyway.” She took the weight plates and clamps again, beginning to put them away.

You grabbed the bar, heading generally to the same location she was. You put it back with the rest before you followed Sevika to the change room, flush in the face. She saved you… and you embarrassed yourself. Not too badly, but still! You would think about that too much later. When you were in bed, alone… stuck on the thought of her over you like that. Then of course your brain would remind you of your mistake.

Sevika began to change — next to your spot. Of course. Why wouldn’t she have put her stuff there. You pursed your lips and kept your eyes to yourself, changing into the extra clothes you brought. You wanted to look over so badly, but you told yourself you were one, not a pervert, and two, not looking for any trouble from the lady with a mechanical arm.

After you packed up, you looked over to Sevika who had begun to head out as well. You both left the gym, almost immediately after one another. Sevika nodded at the front desk lady, and you mumbled a quick thanks. Before Sevika could turn to leave, you couldn’t help but shoot your shot. After all, you live once, right? Well, obviously, you almost lost that ‘once’ today.

“Hey, um, Sevika,” you called out, causing her to stall. Her head turned to look at you, the look in her eyes prompting one thing — to get out with it. “Thank you for teaching me all that today. If there’s any way to repay you… let me know.”

Sevika’s lips upturned at that, and she let out a huffed laugh. “I’ll let you know for sure, doll. You’ll know.”

And with that, she turned her way. After staring, letting her words sit in your head, you turned your own way and headed back towards your place. You’d lay in bed tonight, thinking about everything. Her last words rang in your head. What did she mean by that? How would you ‘know’?!

Maybe you’d catch her at The Last Drop tonight. Maybe, just maybe you’d get drunk enough to ask what she meant. Or there’s a chance you run into her after today. At the gym again… you should really start working out more. Then you definitely would know, and it would come from those slightly asymmetrical lips of hers. And you could watch it spill past them.

| ©️ copyright flattocatto, 2025

[ronearoundblindly]

I have another question for who would Wednesday (sorry if I'm sending too much): who would have new years resolutions? Who would help with yours?

Took me until Lunar New Year, but we got there!

No warnings except mentions of true-to-character background (family alcoholism, jerk behavior, cursing) so keep that in mind.

James Mace

Yes! If it's important to you, it's important to him. Mace only picks practical goals or changes to make, realistic stuff that's doable and improves his life and happiness. You know, the actual epitome of the tradition.

Curtis Everett

No. He'll honor your resolutions but doesn't make his own. It's half not caring and half because when he used to make them, he always crapped out on them by March...

Jimmy Dobyne

No. Jimmy believes if you have a goal, why wait for a holiday to start? Go ahead and do it! He hates the placating of over-indulging during the holidays, guilting yourself, and then miserably push to change huge things suddenly. (He's adamant about NO DRY JANUARY, too. Own up to it. If you want/need to quit drinking, then fucking stop. He gets prickly about this because of his father.)

Johnny Storm

Nope. Johnny just...keeps being Johnny. Isn't very open to helping you keep them. Seems...sorta personal and like a you-problem.

Jake Jensen

Yes!!!! He's totally supportive and enjoys making a big deal about declaring his and yours after a sweet, midnight kiss. Will buy a whiteboard for the hallway to have them visible. Jake does, however, always picks silly or easy stuff for himself in order to feel accomplished. He will NOT stand for you making resolutions which are designed to be judgmental: don't write down "get skinny" or "save for a nose job." Jake makes you think specifically about you, none of this for-others shit.

Lloyd Hansen

Yes? His resolutions are silly and self-serving--also they are almost always indulgences that Lloyd never stopped himself for doing in the first place--so it's a useless exercise. He is supportive of yours as long as it's convenient for him to do so, which he takes on a second-to-second basis.

Ari Levinson

Yes, but only as a couple or being supportive of yours. On his own, Ari doesn't see the point.

Ransom Drysdale

Yes, but he doesn't admit it or tell anyone what they are, so no one knows if he failed to keep them. Ran won't necessarily provide positive support of yours--i.e. if you cheat on a diet or something, he openly points out you shouldn't be eating that--but! he holds you accountable if/when you've clearly said you're trying to change a habit.

Andy Barber

Yes. The only problem is they're vague and recurring. Every year he tries to say you'll have a regular date night or go on trips, but Andy never quite manages to put fun things first. He's a workaholic who gets distracted and forgets to focus on less tangible progress. You have to remind him or take over making those resolutions happen.

Steve Rogers

Yes and no. Some years Steve has strong impulses to make changes. Some years he's just getting by or keeping the status quo. Turns out, you often make resolutions that impact the both of you or are specifically geared toward him. If you're vocal about wanting something, he's all over it and supportive. Steve has never been great at doing things for himself.

Bucky Barnes

Again, yes and no. Bucky is still not great at tracking time. He gets confused from year to year if there were just arbitrary goals he set, so now he keeps them progressive. You guys want to do renovations on your home? Pick a starting room and then pick a direction to work (out, up, or down). He wants to turn his wardrobe into something more personal? Begin with the shoes, then the socks, then the slacks, etc. Mundane choices can overwhelm him easily since he's from a simpler era and he didn't make his own choices for a long stretch. Bucky keeps his resolutions simple and the pressure to stick to them low.

Thank you for asking!

[Main Masterlist; Who Would... Masterlist; Ko-Fi]

A/N: Now back to my hidey hole...

[veneritia]

when comes the dawn monthly update {01.30.2025}

First monthly update of the new year!

THE STATISTICS

the draft → 64,598 words * words written this month → 6,008 words average word count per session this month → 501 words words written this year → 6,008 words

* my draft is spread across multiple docs so this number may not be 100% accurate

STORY NOTES

We have another Nike POV scene! Ft. Nike being the complete opposite of a wife guy, and a grown ass man pouting over having to wear green because his wife told him to :( (but with everything the guy's been through, he deserves to pout)

Fenice comes out of the gate swinging and decides that the best way to build a base of power and influence is by alienating herself from potential allies. Don't worry, Leda is there to tell her that that's a stupid plan actually

New character unlocked: [High Commander Selene Doriaskora]

I've decided to lean a lot more into Fenice and Charles' relationship from this point on and put a lot more emphasis on the fact that 1) they've known each other since they were kids and are in fact the closest among the vi Aetier siblings, and 2) allying herself with Charles is Fenice's best chance of surviving the King's Game until she becomes a strong enough candidate on her own

I'm way too scared to go back into earlier chapters and fix them to make them fall in line with the new directions I'm taking because I'm afraid that I'll end up slashing 70% of them, so we're just gonna wait until I finish act 1 to do that.

EXCERPT

“My good lords and ladies,” she spoke, ringed fingers drumming staccato at the head of her armrest. “My Imperial father has sent me here with two missions in mind. The first is on a hunt.” She lets the word ring clear through the air, letting it sink into every person’s mind. “The man known as Isandros Deominos is to be  branded a criminal. An enemy of the state. He will be caught, and he will be executed as per the will of His Imperial Majesty. Those who are found to be aiding Isandros, whether it be harboring him, cooperating with his schemes, or failing to provide any information as to his plans or whereabouts, will be found guilty of treason and punished to the full extent of the law.”

Fenice sat back, her eyes hardened. “He may have once been a prince to all of you, but now he is simply nothing more than a man running on borrowed time. His fate is inevitable, and the Fortune-Weaver has turned her gaze away from him. Loyalty to a dying man will earn you nothing.” And then as if a page was flipped, or the mask changed, her face became warm again and Fenice smiled serenely at her audience as if she did not just condemn Nike’s brother to die. “But I am not just here as an executioner, no. His Imperial Majesty has tasked me with bringing peace and order to the land, and that is exactly what I intend to do.”

BLOG STUFF

Check out my 2025 resolution bingo for this month's WTW event! It features all of my writing goals for WCTD

TAGLIST (ask to be +/-)

@bloomingwrites @writinglyra @zmwrites @trapped-inadystopianovel @inky-duchess @aalinaaaaaa @seasteading @kaatiba @serpentarii @lazulis-stuff @sourrcandy @charlesjosephwrites @marrowwife @forever-and-almost-always @halcionic @caninemotiff @socialmediasocrates @zorya-km @smolandweirdwriter @floweryprosegarden

[valnyte]

Touko Kuzuha Route Review

a few things of note:

I mainly play the adult version; I have an alt account but it is the regular version)

I chose the 妖艶 ending as it was the one showed for the previews (at least in the adult PV); I can confirm that this end does continue to Kuzuha's current Christmas story event story

Based on the way my uni structured its Japanese language classes, I can only say my Japanese fluency level is around 中級 level but still kept a dictionary app by my side

I am not a translator and I will not be translating his route

keep in mind that this is MY opinion, you are free to have your own and read his route as you wish

Plot: 3.5/5 ★

Kuzuha as a character: 4/5 ★

Kuzuha as a partner in a romantic relationship: 1.5/5 ★ (I am being generous)

Kuzuha when it comes to smutty situations: 8/5 ★

MC: 2/5 ★ (Again, I am being generous)

Personal route enjoyment: 3.5/5 ★

tw: dubcon, self-harm

MASSIVE spoilers up ahead so read at your own risk

If I were to summarise his route in one statement its: one-night-stand turns into a friends with (medicinal) benefits relationship that becomes a situationship until these dumbasses finally learn that direct communication is perhaps the IDEAL solution.

Can you see why I want to squeeze him?

Starting with plot, it reads like a fluffy and spicy story, heavily focused on the situationship they landed themselves in which has the air of a romcom. Seriously MC, you just let this guy who you don't know very well crash your apartment and live with you? Just because you slept with him once and found him petting a fluffy cat later on? Kuzuha is incredibly unserious as well for the most part but it is entertaining to see whatever the hell he is up to with MC, if he's going to tease her or spoil her - albeit, usually in bed. Though truth be told, I could not really see much of the romantic chemistry between them, mostly sexual chemistry and understandably so. For a romcom-y theme, I was not expecting something too high stakes but I was actually kept at the edge of my seat once the story hit around the 3/4 point as something I did not even consider an eventual side plot would turn into. Everything before the 3/4 point was very rom-com with a side of magical healing. Storywise, things sped up really quickly after that point, but so did the resolution. I had no issues with the pacing thus far, but the resolution was a bit fast. Nevertheless, it was entertaining, and I will do his route again after hopping unto a fresh route.

Next, Kuzuha himself. Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy. Wow, you really are a mess with a pretty face. His character profile labelling him "trash" [クズ] is not a joke in the slightest, he is one, and hell, he knows it with zero remorse. Even Tsubaki shit talks to MC in private that Kuzuha is a bit of a shit and neither of them will ever deny it. It makes sense that little pretty trashy kitsune becomes jealous of Ryo once MC brings the topic of her new co-worker/childhood classmate/first crush up. And it is because he knows deep down, he's not that reliable at all, save for his healing magic and his abundant sex appeal.

However as much as I will affectionately clown him, he does have his reasons why he's flippant, and everything ties back to him as the Kuzunoha kitsune. As kitsune, his liver is hunted down for the fact it has high healing capabilities, he has been hunted down in the past (by humans and youma alike) and even in the present (only by youma now), he does dislike the fact he is only seen as useful for this healing aspect. Not to mention physically painful with how parts of his liver have to be taken away and despite his highly regenerative state, its taxing to do. Moreso when it is not by his free will. Next, he is Kuzunoha from legend - there are many variants mind you, but Cybird x DMM did their own spin on it. TLDR how the legend is explained ingame: more than a thousand years back while he was being hunted down in fox form, he was caught in a trap, and he was set free by Abe no Yasuna. As gratitude, Kuzuha transformed into a beautiful woman and lived with Abe no Yasuna and the child of the latter, taking on the role of woman of the house/step in mother. A few years passed safely but then one day, Kuzuha's true identity as kitsune was revealed, and thus was chased out from the home, never seeing them again.

This then led him to the conclusion: "Love is not reciprocal. Either you take it, or it is taken from you."

Ouch.

And he does live with this conclusion set in stone for more than a thousand years until he meets MC and does not realise he is actively falling for her as the weeks go by when living with her. "Love is a one-way road," he said at the beginning. Not in this otome game, sir, it's only a one-way road because you're fictional.

All that aside, he has some very heartwarming sides to him. Despite his devil may care attitude and his love is never returned beliefs, he cannot change the fact he's genuinely compassionate towards others. It is bittersweet to read him filled with so much empathy for others cannot understand himself at the slightest. Healing MC's inability to sleep well in a very unconventional way when she didn't even ask for it at the start, to the point of actively being the one to stab himself to get a piece of his liver out to help save someone's life because he knows firsthand the pain and difference of a youma and human relationship. Characters who are a living irony of themselves am I right?

Not to mention that gentle side of his is further explored once he genuinely starts considering MC as a romantic partner. Still a big tease though .

But it does not mean he is entirely exempt from his flaws. I will address something that I did have issues with since the start: he technically coerced MC into going further with him in their first chapter. She was unsure about having sex with him at first but just a few heated moments later, one thing led to another then yup they screwed. By the time she realised it, it was too late as they already did the deed and she was shortly angry with him. Narrativewise, she was technically trapped in a "fuck him or your spirit disappears when the incense fully burns out" but he only told her that AFTER instead of the BEGINNING. Kuzuha... That is A CHOICE to make, and not a good one - considering you were the one who gave her the incense sticks in the first place 💀 Not entirely comfy with that situation even if he treated her gently. Sure he's the gentlest suitor in the starter pack, but that's just a little bit hmmmmmmmmmm. He has other flaws as well but that is my biggest gripe with him.

Would I consider him as a good romantic partner? Not exactly on that thread given how he has boundaries he wants respected but does not respect others' boundaries. He has a full point for actively looking out for MC and listening to her and responding to that at least. But he is 100% not the type of guy MC can show to her parents and get instant approval for a few other glaring issues.

This is how I see him maybe meeting the parents going in my head:

"So how did you meet?"

"Um..."

"What's your job?"

"Haha, about that-"

When it comes to sexy times in his route, there's a lot of very intensely heated moments, given his nature and the fact he's 90% in close proximity to her because he ends up living with her like a roommate/friend with benefits. Mugenro by itself has very lengthy sex scenes, and partially voiced so yes please do not be like me who forgets to turn down the volume 💀 He is a big tease, but once he knows how desperate she is, oh he's rewarding her a hundred times over. He's skilled, good grief, he knows it and makes use of everything he knows to send anyone to high heaven. Also outdoor sex does happen in one of the avatar challenges, yes I got it because I was curious and I am damn well not regretting it. Just saying, his voice getting raspy had me going, I need to hear this at home. Alone. Ehe.

Ok enough about Kuzuha, time to turn to MC. Girl... Because why. On one hand, I actively like the fact she's quite possessive towards him at the end, directly telling him there's a boundary he should never cross with her and he listens. But for the rest of the time, sweetie, there's a fine line being nice and then being trodded underfoot. And where is your common sense girl, you barely knew the guy and you're letting him crash at your place immediately? She has all the position to refuse him but nooooo. I cannot blame her for being attracted to Kuzuha with his debonair charm, but I do want to wring her like laundry sometimes with how downright idiotic she can get. Even she's not safe from being scolded by Kuzuha himself for running into a very dangerous situation. Maybe sit down with the blindfold from seeing the red flags for a moment and maybe come to terms with the different lifespans for a bit. Even just a little bit. I will give her a full point for taking on the usually active role instead of being passive and letting him make the decisions for her as she is more decisive than this free-spirited fox, but otherwise, ma'am you have a brain, don't let it waste away.

Overall, I did enjoy Kuzuha's route and will do it again to full clear everything, just not now. Not my true cup of tea, but he is arguably the nicest of the suitors so far and I am glad I read his route first. And because he's cute. If I make a plushie of him, he's going to become my new stress toy.

Have a blushie Kuzuha for the end:

K, bye.

[oonajaeadira]

A Welcome Home At Resolution Ranch

Fandom: Kingsman: The Golden Circle / Jack "Whiskey" Daniels

Pairing: Jack Daniels x reader

Reader: Adult female. Former agent, now the manager at a guest ranch. No other physical descriptors; no use of y/n.

Rating: T. Fluff.

Warnings: A little bit of angst, but on the edge of healing

Summary: When the news comes through that Jack met his end in Cambodia, you know better.

A/N: Well howdy, friends, and welcome to a good, soft, fix-it fic. What inspired this? @writeforfandoms did when she sent in an ask for a game....

"I wish you would write a fic where Jack is fine and nothing hurts and there are stars in the sky and there is plenty of banter and softness. Maybe horses."

Since her birfday is this week and writing Jack for each other is a love language, this is especially for her. <3

“You sure I’m ready to go on my own?”

Charity is a good girl. A little accident-prone at times, sure, but it’s mainly out of a lack of confidence. She’s got a real knack with the horses though, and you’ve learned to let her be on hand whenever the ranch has new guests check in; that million-watt smile of hers is worth a welcome mat covered in gold. She is Jack’s kin in every way, except he sucked up all the ego in the family and left little over for his niece.

Handing her the roster clipboard, you grant her an approving grin. “You grew up on these trails. You know them better than I ever will. You’re every ounce the guide any of us are. Now you’ve got eight guests riding with you this evening, two of them are about your age, and pretty handsome young gentlemen. You’re about to win the hearts of some suitors with that sweetness of yours…and if not, then for sure their grandparents. Have fun. Oh,” you remember, pointing to a name on the roster, “this lady here is a bit of a tick, but she has it bad for Morgans. Put her on Sasha and she’ll be shining so bright there’s nothing gonna dim her stars.”

“But Sasha’s your horse.”

“She won’t mind. Now get. And remember–”

Charity rolls her eyes. “Don’t let anyone tell me that they know horses better than I do, I know.”

“Good girl. Now you do a good job on your first solo run and I’ll have a big surprise waiting for you when you come back, hear?”

“I’m not a kid. I don’t need a reward.”

Turning the girl around by the shoulders and sending her off in the direction of the stables, you refrain from swatting her playfully, showing her the respect of a coworker. “And I’m not baking you cookies either. I’m not going with you tonight because I have something I gotta do. You’ll get the benefit of that thing whether you do a good job or not. I was trying to be encouraging.”

Her black braid swings down her back as she walks off to her task–both excited and scared, clutching the clipboard with both hands. 

“Oh, and Charry?” She stops to turn and listen. “Don’t put anyone on Whiplash. Leave her in the stable tonight.”

Once she’s given you a nod and marched out of sight, you wander back into the main lodge and relieve everyone for a few hours. You’re ready to take the front desk on your own. No worries, you explain, there’s only one guest booked to come in in the next hour and everyone else is out on the twilight ride. You’ll take it from here.

Once the lobby is quiet, you prop yourself out on the porch in a rocking chair with your boots up on the railing, tip your hat down low, and keep your eyes on the horizon--gradually more pink and gold by the minute--where any cars coming over the mile-long driveway can’t pass your notice.

It’s been six years now since you were secretly decommissioned from Statesman and your agent status revoked. Emotional trauma is a hell of a thing, and some agents take a beating. When head of the organization deems an agent unfit for duty with needs of long-term recovery and care, it’s their call to order it and–with the help of one other top officer–secretly install the probationed agent in a situation where they are anonymous and removed from any society that they could harm or could harm them. The organizational file would relate how the agent was killed in action, with the true story being kept by the two in charge. A total erasure of personage, total disappearance.

If and when the agent passed an evaluation and elected to return, they became extremely valuable as a secret operative, since everyone would assume they were deceased. 

If they decided not to return, the agency made sure they were provided for. For life.

Sometimes they came back; thrill of the hunt, what they know best and all that. But overall, the return rate was low. Something about a slow down calls after a life of deception.

In your case, Jack was chosen as Champ’s second and–having always been one of the only agents that damn cowboy liked working with–suggested you head up his family ranch for your rehab period. Tasked you with making it a nice working vacation ranch for families. Came out and visited you often enough to make sure you were getting on.

And, of course, to make sure you were getting off too. 

There was a lot of hay on property, and Jack was a damn nice rolling partner. Said that he liked that he never had to pretend with you. Not now, not ever.

And you always felt exactly the same.

But the timing was never perfect. And the world had always needed one or the other of you to save it.

Distractions.

After the requisite five year probation, Champ and Jack made the ceremonial trip out and asked if you’d like to be re-evaluated and “reborn”. As much as you’d been itching during the first couple of years to get back in the game, the quiet life had softened your body and won your heart. You’d gained the trust of the employees. Knew all the horses and their idiosyncracies by heart. It had become your home. Walking away to spend days without sleep, lying, taking lives without stopping to think twice….just didn’t appeal anymore.

With Champ’s understanding, you had respectfully retired, and with Jack’s blessing, you’d planted yourself permanently. The ranch was your calling. Your heart. Even with some of Jack’s relatives working and living here it could get lonely at times, but then you’d catch yourself watching the fireflies in the sunset or riding Sasha through a particularly pretty meadow and everything seemed right with the world.

And hells. If the lack of companionship was the only thing you had to complain about, well the universe must have heard. It’s rung the hospitality bell for you.

Taking the letter out of your pocket, you glance over it one more time. An announcement of an agent down. Cambodia. Drug conspiracy. Agents Galahad, Galahad, and Merlin of Kingmen, London. Agent Whiskey showing mental trauma and poor judgment. A violent engagement. A meat grinder. Signed by Head Agent Champagne.

So that’s the story they assigned him, huh. A meat grinder? Really? So stupid. But then, you got to assist in penning your own death, so it makes all the sense in the world that Jack got to have a say in his. Of course he was going to go out in the corniest way possible, of course he was.

Tsk. A meat grinder. Jesus.

Before long, the stars are starting to peek out and there’s a plume of dust on the horizon. Then a black car at the core of it, making its way along the drive. By the time it pulls up in front of the porch, you’ve hidden the letter back in your pocket, stood and made your way to the bottom of the steps. 

Two doors open. From the front a driver emerges, short and sturdy, young and hale, heading for the trunk to retrieve luggage. But when the back door opens, there’s the duo of a boot and a Stetson which emerge together then unfold into a tall, cool drink of Jack Daniels.

It’s a showdown at twilight, but you both keep your hearts in your holster for the time being and instead reach for your sass. “Driver? This here’s a working ranch, so you can just leave the luggage. Guests here are required to haul their own.”

They do as they’re told with a nod, dropping two suitcases and a duffel in the dust. The whole time Jack stands, unmoving, hands on hips, watching with a bemused incredulity as the driver then simply gets back behind the wheel and literally drives off into the sunset, leaving Jack's bags like carrion.

“Well shit. Is that any way to welcome a man home?”

“Maybe I just wanted you all to myself, cowboy. You ever think of that?”

There’s a delicious moment underscored by cricket strings that allows for both of your grins to stretch to full capacity.

But still, he’s a man whose wind has abandoned his sails and you both know why he’s here. It doesn’t mean he’s not still Jack Daniels though. And while he might not come at you with an oppressive swagger, he still comes to you, the cockiness giving way to a genuine fondness.

“Well. Hello, gorgeous.”

“Let me guess,” you tease, opening your arms to guide him to his landing, “You have a pack of cold ones and your roomie’s out so I can scream your name as loud as I want.”

His embrace is more than just happiness to see you. It’s heavy with relief, with longing. He needs it from you as much as you from him, and he hums low into your neck as he lifts you so that your toes just leave the ground before plopping you back down. This is the point where the usual hug might end, but he stays. He stays just a few more breaths and you can tell he’s taking a cure in the moment.

“Come on, cowboy,” you hum into his shoulder. “Let me help you with these bags. I prepared the best room in the house for you.”

Silently, you both heft a suitcase and he takes the extra duffel, and you make it up the stairs of the main house to the biggest bedroom and flip on the light.

“Isn’t this your bedroom, Brandy?”

Throwing a suitcase on the quilted bed you shake a finger at him. “Uh uh uh, that’s not my name anymore, Whiskey.”

He follows suit, unburdening himself. “And that’s not mine. Belongs to Ginger now.”

You can’t--and won't--hide your delight. “Well hot shit. Good for her. She’s always wanted to go out into the field.” But it’s also bittersweet. It's been six years. “How is my girl?” 

“Oh, she’s doing real fine. Took over as Champ’s right hand when I went out and Tequila hopped the pond to work for those Brits.”

“Damn. Well, I’m proud of her. I wish I could tell her. If I could have just had one more agent to keep in touch with….wait.” Something in Jack’s little smile gives you pause. “Waaaaait a minute. Did she–???”

He finishes the thought for you. “With the transfer of title, she also became Champ’s number two. So she’s got access your retirement file. I’m sure she’ll be booking a vacation here soon enough.”

Turning to the window and clamping a hand over your mouth, you hold your own reflection and do your best to keep the tears for later. It’s been six years and your old friend is in Kentucky right now, finding out any day now that you’re not dead after all, that you’re only a plane ride away. A long dreamed-for reunion is coming. Oh god. 

But Jack’s here now, and he’s going to need your support. And of course he’ll demand your attention–”You never answered my question. Where are you sleeping if I’m in here?”

Turning to him, you wink. “Who said I was moving out of this room?” His blush signals that you’ve just out-Jacked Jack Daniels. Stepping in closer, you take his hand. “Hey. I just wanted to give you a view of the stables. If you want me here, I’ll share the room with you. If not, the guest room is free and I’m comfortable sleeping there too. This is your home now, cowboy. I want you to see the sun in the morning. Give you a reason to get up every day.”

“Sunshine’s wherever you are, partner. It’d actually be real nice to have a reason to stay in bed.”

His words spread through you like a good bourbon. “Good. I was hoping you’d say that.” It’s a warm moment, new for both of you. Instead of the thrill of the promise of sharing a bed and the obvious adventure that awaits, you have something now that you both never had before–time. Time to hold. Time to breathe. Time to heal and take it soft and slow. “Come on, cowboy. I wanna show you something.”

Picking up his Stetson from the bed, you place it lovingly on his head, your fingertips lingering as they trail down his sideburns. He wears the hat well, and the facial hair. And the deep adoration. Before he gets lost in the moment, you lead him out of the main house and down toward the stables.

“So. A meat grinder.”

He grins as he watches his feet, big hands swinging at his side. “Can’t blame a man for people wanting to remember his demise. That one’ll be talked about.”

“Little over the top, isn’t it?”

“That’s the way I went in, apparently.”

“Stupidest death I’ve ever heard of.”

“But you’ll remember it, won’t you.”

Rolling your eyes, you lead him to one of the front stalls of the stable. “Yeah, but I’d never believe it. Jack Daniels? Taken down by an unarmed, unstable agent and his apprentice? This hulk of a man tossed around and yanked into a grinder as if there’s one big enough to take you?”

“You’re real hung up on the meat grinder part, aren’t you. You do know the target was actually processing people and making them into burgers, right? I don’t see why it’s so unbelievable–” But he stops like stone when you reach your target stall. “Is that…Well slap my chaps. That’s the prettiest mustang I’ve ever seen.”

“You like her?” Clicking your tongue, the lithe and beautiful bay immediately comes to you, tossing her mane, ready for the apple you’ve got on offer. And when you hide it behind your back, she knows to put her nose to yours, to nuzzle you gently. “This is Whiplash. Fast as a shooting star and twice as bright. Picked her out myself. Helped Charity to train her up, which is why she’s also sweet. That girl has the patience of a saint. Must get it from the other side of the family. But this mare was a passion project for both of us. Thought you might like to claim her,” you say, handing the apple over to him and, with it, Whiplash’s attentions. “Anytime you need to clear your head, she’ll run you to the moon and back.”

Jack holds out the apple reverently with one hand, running the other along the mare’s neck. “Always wanted a mustang. Thought I’d have to settle for the automotive variety. They’re not the kind of horse you keep at a pedestrian ranch for just anyone to ride.”

“I know. It was meant to be a surprise for your next visit. But now that you’re here to stay, she’s even more yours than she was before.”

Now it’s Jack’s turn to hold those tears for later, his beautiful brown eyes gathering up all the rising moonlight. Swallowing hard, he gives you a nod, a thanks that he can’t put into words just yet. Instead, he deflects. “Where is my favorite niece?”

“Your only niece is out leading a twilight ride. It’s her first lead. I told her I’d have a reward waiting for her when she got back as long as all the guests are alive and kicking. She doesn’t know you’re coming yet.”

He nods. Goes back to petting Whiplash. The full day and the journey finally come to settle on him and all his thoughts seem to rise to the surface and float in his tired expression.

You reach out. Hook a finger in his belt loop and give it a coy tug. “Hey. Can I ask you...what happened, Jack?”

He has to take a breath. Two. Then he gives Whiplash a final pat and takes your hand, weaving it through the crook of his arm, and you wander out into the darkening pasture together.

The mission was nearly doomed from the start. With Tequila down and Harry still recovering and Eggsy still green, it was just a mess. It didn’t help that his heart wasn’t in it, that he kept thinking about his loss so many years ago, that maybe it was better if all the addicts were just taken down in one fell swoop so they could stop hurting themselves and everyone else. Running the New York branch and distribution on top of fucking saving the world every five minutes–the burnout was getting to him and just made him fixate more. 

Harry saw through him but misinterpreted his reluctance. Harry shot him to take him out of commission, knowing full well that Ginger could fix him. Jack went back into action too soon, too hot. Went straight to Cambodia. Joined in the fray. Ended up taking out his rage on Poppy and brutally jamming a needle in her neck, overdosing and killing her rather than neutralizing her and taking her in as he should have. Harry and Eggsy were kind. Stood up for him with Champ. Helped to corroborate a story so he could step down. Jack let the record show that they were the heroes so they could go back to the Kingsmen in triumph and he could heal in peace.

This is what surprises you the most.

That Jack let himself go down as the bad guy.

“You could have just said you were taken down by one of Poppy’s men and walked away a martyr.”

He simply watches the first fireflies come out in answer to the first stars, squeezes your hand a little tighter, shakes his head. “If I’d had my head in the game, a good agent wouldn’t have died. Merlin. His name was Agent Merlin. Damn fine man. And if Harry and Eggsy hadn’t been the excellent agents they are, my lapse of judgment could have killed a lot more folks. This is my way to atone.”

“And there’s no way in hell you’d let anyone think you got taken down by some nameless thug.”

“Shit. Got me there.”

All you can do is show agreement with a knowing nod. “You know, when I first came out here, I couldn’t wait to leave. But you knew, didn’t you. You knew that I needed this.”

“I did.”

“Cocky bastard,” you mumble in loving admonishment. “Did you understand that you were nearing the end too? That you were sending me out here to give me time to be ready to bring you home?”

“I wasn’t aware of it at the time, probably a little too confident to ever think I should stop.” He turns to you, a sweet little apology in the corner of his smile. “But maybe a little part of me knew.”

“Yeah, that little part of you has gotten me into trouble before.”

He huffs a little laugh, tilts your chin up with a knuckle. Still holding your hand and sliding it inside his jacket against his chest he whispers, “Ain’t the part I was talking about, sweetheart.”

When he kisses you, it’s a different Jack than the one you used to settle for on occasion. This Jack is ready to put down his revolvers and his whip, ready to concentrate on himself, on you, on a life far from trouble. His kiss holds in it the promise of summer sunsets and long trail rides, of barbecues and lemonade and lazy mornings sleeping in. And there will be stars that are brighter...and nights under them for just the two of you. It’s a kiss that leaves no doubt that there will be many more to follow, each one with its own brand of sweetness and a happy ending well-earned.

No more distractions.

Time enough.

_____

MASTERLIST

CHARACTER MASTERLIST

[planet-crait]

Part 1 analysis of Dev Dimmadone from Fairly Oddparents A New Wish. A couple of things I want to mention before jumping into this, I have not finished the first season. Last episode I watched was Pattys Possum Party Playground, but I have thoughts and I decided to share them before I reach the end so I can see how my thoughts change as the season goes on or after I finish the finale. Second I recognize I have some bias regarding Dev. I’ll go into more detail why but I heavily empathize with Dev and his struggles so it’s something I wanted to make clear before I started. I’ll also put a Trigger Warning for discussing abuse and my own experiences with it so please keep that in mind. Apologies for how long this gets I didn’t realize how much I had to say about Dev until I started writing. With all of that said let’s get into it.

Something that caught my attention very very early on regarding Dale and Devs relationship is it is painfully and abundantly clear Dale has no love for Dev. We see Dev adores and looks up to his father but no matter how hard Dev tries that love is not reciprocated.

It is unfortunately common for kids who are neglected at home to lash out at school and misbehave, it gets to a point where even negative attention is better than no attention. This is of course not healthy or good behavior but more desperate acts of a kid desperate for any sort of attention.

Growing up, I was in a somewhat not necessarily similar situation to Dev but I can somewhat see parts of myself in Dev? I’m not sure the best wording for it but I was not wealthy nor my family, but I was largely outcasted by my peers and ignored and bullied by them. It was hell. And while Dev isn’t bullied by anyone, he certainly is more the bully, he’s also very alone.

Despite being bullied I had my family who at least cared and I had the occasional recess person? I can’t remember their official title but they wherent teachers lolz. But regardless they took pity on me and let me hang out with them. For Dev though….he doesn’t have anyone in his corner. His dad doesn’t care about him, he has no friends and the teachers don’t care about him. He’s just painfully alone. No one has his back. The sins of his father are put on Devs shoulders regardless of how realistic it is to blame him for things. We see Mr. Guzman glaring at Dev in Lost and Founders Day

All Dev did was hand out bracelets his dad made but Mr. Guzman is suspicious, it seems, of Dev himself as if he is up to something bad with them. The animators actively choose to have Mr. Guzman look at a nine year old this way. He could have been looking this way at the bracelets but no. It was directed towards Dev himself. Despite him, for now, being friends with Hazel and seemingly behaving better Mr. Guzman doesn’t trust that Dev is changing and improving. Instead of being glad something changed with Dev, Dev is met with distrust and suspicion.

In that same episode Hazel assumes the worst of Dev and assumes he was behind everything that happened at the Founders Day Festival. She refuses to listen to him and even give him a chance to explain and decides he’s a bad person. Now this isn’t to say Hazel is a bad person for this, more it was unfair and so far I haven’t seen any real resolution to this. Dev almost seems to be held to a different standard in this regard, we see Hazel screw up big time in The Wellsington Hotellsington in regards to Winn and Jasmine and they forgive her right after she apologizes despite Winn not knowing her for long. Hazel similarly hasn’t known Dev for that long but won’t even let him apologize and storms off very angrily and seemingly never reached out to him to try and work things out.

No Dev does not either but I don’t blame him as much in that regard because Dev clearly has never had friends before Hazel. He doesn’t know really it’s okay for friends to fight and make up and still be friends. And with how Hazel blew up at him I was kind of thinking as well Hazel decided the bridge was burned so to speak and was admittedly surprised when she said in Battle of the Dimmisonian that they could still be friends (which I…question how accurate a statement from Hazel that is but I’ll get their I promise). It’s interesting to me Dev is worried about how Hazel perceives him despite them not being friends. Even though Hazel turned her back on him, he still wants some sort of connection with her even if he’s going about it in an unhealthy manner. Again negative attention is better then no attention, so even if it means fighting and bickering he’d rather take that than have absolutely nothing.

This kid has sky high walls he’s built, but they’re shaky and crumble at the slightest pressure. After only two days of being friendly Dev is willing to disobey a direct order from his father and put himself in harms way to keep Hazel safe. This is very likely the first time Dev has ever disobeyed his father, the man he is desperate to prove himself to and get some sort of love and affection from. He risks ever getting that from his father to protect Hazel, someone he’s not been on friendly terms with for all that long. Which makes him being so alone all the sadder.

I mentioned it in another post but Dev has a lot of love to give people who are willing to put in honestly what feels like the bare minimum of work to break down his walls. And it seems no one has even tried to get past them. He’s written off by everyone as nothing but a rich bully that doesn’t care when that couldn’t be further from the truth when push comes to shove. He’s willing to disobey his father, someone he still is desperate to win the love and affection of, to protect someone that matters to him.

Circling back to the point I mentioned earlier about my doubts regarding Hazel still considering Dev her friend. Now this may just be an oversight but…it still happened so I feel it’s okay to discuss here. In Pattys Possum Party Playground we see pretty much all the classmates we’ve seen previously hanging out and having fun, Dev however is missing. I’m not saying anyone has to invite him, but if you consider someone a friend…why not invite them? Maybe the background characters were thrown in to make it seem more like a party and to emphasize them then being alone. Why not include Dev then as well? Why is he left out of the fun with everyone? A line from say Hazel commenting his dad wouldn’t let him come would do a lot of heavy lifting to show how terrible Dale is and how rough Dev has it and show Hazel is thinking about him.

Again, Hazel doesn’t have to be his friend. But she said they could be friends which is why I mention this. I will admit this is potentially where my own biases come into play. I was the kid people said was their “friend” to get teachers off of their backs and I just didn’t realize this is what was happening and it hurt when I was excluded from things. If I was in Devs shoes I’d feel hurt I wasn’t invited to something everyone else was invited to. And I imagine it would hurt even more as someone already struggling to try and get some sort of love and affection from anyone really.

I hope I’m wrong and I hope we see more of Hazel and Dev rebuilding their friendship, but I’m concerned we won’t really see that or any consequences to that really play out. Again could be wrong I’ll have to wait and see in that regard this is just how I’m seeing things with my own biases as of right now where I’m at in season 1.

We know that Dev gets Peri because he is miserable due to his and Hazels fight and his father’s very public rejection of him. Godparents are supposed to help make things easier to deal with for their kids and help them navigate their difficult lives. Unfortunately, so far from what I’ve seen Peri and Dev aren’t a great match for Godparent and Godchild. I’ve only seen their dynamic for one episode, but when they first met, we see Dev is extremely exited when he first meets Peri:

However, something things to go very wrong because he goes from being sad but not wearing his sunglasses to being back in his sunglasses and being overall disinterested in Peri while Peri seems very frustrated and disinterested in forming any sort of bond with Dev.

I don’t know what all has happened between the pair, but for me it’s notable he wasn’t wearing his sunglasses when he and Peri first met and are wearing them again next time we see him. He was so excited to met Peri and I wonder if he wanted to try and have some sort of bond with him that was shut down. We don’t know obviously and it’s just speculation on my end but it’s something I wonder about.

When Peri notices his parents later on in the episode he’s so focused on himself he’s not even acknowledging Dev or his questions and seems uninterested in sharing about himself. For me, it reads that Peri is really only focused on granting wishes and not about with forming any sort of bond with Dev, something Dev right now desperately needs. He’s lonely and sad and lashing out because he’s been denied real affection for so long and doesn’t know how to connect with other people. It’s sad that his AU Pairs seem to on some level recognize this as they try and comfort Dev after Lost and Founders Day and acknowledge that they cannot give Dev what he needs.

I honestly think Dev would be much better off with a Godparent like Cosmo and Wanda or even Juandissimo, he needs a Godparent who is willing and knows how to connect with a kid like Dev who has a seriously troubled homelife and Peri doesn’t have the tools or knowledge to really help Dev in the ways he needs. I imagine based on what we’ve seen recently of what Jorgan thinks Godparents need to be for their Godkids I am not surprised Peri isn’t handling Dev the best. He was likely taught granting wishes correctly and quickly for their kids is what makes a Godparent good, rather than forming a connection and understanding their godkid. This isn’t exactly Peri’s fault, he’s new and inexperienced but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not helping Dev either and granting wishes isn’t what he needs, he needs love and someone to be their for him that loves and cares about him.

A side note, I realize again this is more of a gag and not meant to be taken seriously but since I’m looking at all of the things that has happened to Dev so far I just have to wonder. In Battle of the Dimmasonian, Peri’s first instinct is to hide Dev from his parents when they ask if he has a Godkid.

Again I know this is just for a gag but don’t we all love playing the game of “find ways to emotionally devastate our favorite characters even more so we can give them comfort and put them back together again? No? Just me? Well I’m gonna do it anyways. If I was in Devs shoes in this moment I would probably be thinking that my Godparent is ashamed of me, that they don’t want to be associated with me or anyone to know that they where assigned to help me. We know Peri is anxious and doesn’t want his parents smothering him or being weird about his first godkid but Dev definitely doesn’t know this given all the questions he asked that Peri didn’t answer. In Devs mind this could be just another person rejecting him without giving him a chance. Another public rejection of him.

Again I know this is a nothing burger moment in the grand scheme of things but it’s fun to imagine something for it. This being the moment Dev realizes Peri is just another adult in his life stuck with him who doesn’t care about him. Dev falling into the mindset of “if he doesn’t care about me, why should I care about him?” Because angst is just a little fun to think about.

Dev is so desperate for love and attention he tries to get something for his dad by trying to make it work related in the hopes of Dale noticing and agreeing to do “work”. Asking to throw merch boxes back and forth, testing proximity sensors by holding hands this kid will do anything to get something from Dale but it’s not enough.

It’s hard to properly describe the devastation that comes from realizing someone who should love you, who you thought loves you never did. It’s a gut punch over and over again every time you look at them. This recently happened to me and to be frank I’m still not okay from it. You think someone has your back and cares about you but then you come to realize that you’re nothing to them. For me I swing wildly between rage and crying uncontrollably, for a kid as young as Dev I can’t even imagine what that knowledge is doing to him. And what’s worse is even when knowing you don’t matter to this person and that they don’t love you, your love for them doesn’t just….go away. It lingers, longs for some sort of proof that it was just a fluke, that they love you, that you’re not unlovable and the smallest scraps they throw your way have you scrambling to hold onto that, to show them that you are worthy of their love, but it never works, and you’re just tossed away again like trash. You start to wonder if it’s you that’s the problem. You think there has to be something you’ve done to warrant being treated this way. There isn’t though, but to accept that you would also have to contend with the person you love being a monster and it’s not an easy pill to swallow, it’s almost easier to see yourself as the problem and try desperately to try and “fix” whatever your loved one thinks is wrong with you. You live in survival mode just trying to get through it all and it doesn’t just shut off when you’re not around the person or people causing the harm it’s constantly running.

Since this is a kids show I highly highly doubt they’ll really truly dive into the trauma and after affects of dealing with emotional abuse. When I was a kid shows where willing to dive into these topics but shows these days tend to shy away from it (something I have issue with but that’s not the focus of todays post). I just more am sharing because I think some aspects are applicable to Dev.

Again I have a support system, I have friends who worry and care and let me vent and cry and try and deal with it all. Dev has no one in his corner. No adults looking out for him, no friends to offer comfort, he’s painfully alone and dealing with this sheer devastation, pain so bad it’s the tipping point for him getting a Godparent who unfortunately seems overall disinterested in really engaging with Dev in any meaningful way.

Previous posts have somewhat discussed the Dale situation but it was very uh angry for Dev so maybe I can try and write out my thoughts without wanting to commit a crime. Dale is a horrible parent. There isn’t any other way to put it. He’s a shit parent who emotionally abuses and manipulates Dev, who is desperate for his love and affection. Dev tries to sell acts of affection as work related to try and get attention from his dad and is willing to do insane things if it’s what he wants (he seriously considers eating a lizard. This kid is just so desperate for love). Dale emotionally manipulates Dev and tries to use his own past to guilt trip Dev and deny letting him just be a kid. Kids shouldn’t ever have to work, they’re kids they should be able to just be kids but Dale has Dev so spun around and desperate for love he’ll work if it means maybe his dad will love him. It doesn’t work but Dev is desperate and willing to do anything if it means getting even crumbs of affection from his father who can’t even be bothered to great his son and walk away without him forcing Dev to run to catch up.

Dale clearly has been extremely absent from Devs life overall, we see in Peace of Pizza just how excited Dev was when he thought his dad actually came for Dev.

He’s so happy and carefree and excited to see his dad come to support Dev and the anger when he realizes it’s not Dale hurts all the more. For just a moment he thought maybe his dad did care and want to be there for him but no, he doesn’t even care. It’s notable to me that when he finds out Hazel tried to trick him into thinking his dad came is when Dev really gets angry. He was mostly just playing games and such until that moment when he seems to get genuinely angry and I wonder if that comes from a place of deep hurt. The one thing he wants more then anything is for his dad to actually be there for him, and in his mind Hazel takes that desire and mocks him with it, trying to parade a pretend dad just to use him to get what she wants from him.

This next part is pure speculation but I just don’t know another way to explain this. After Dev revealed he’s lactose intolerant and him being forced to watch everyone else have fun and enjoy something he cannot have a why he was fighting so hard against letting them have one, Hazel mentions they could have ordered him a lactose free version which makes Dev freeze and comment he thought that was a myth. Now I know from a writing standpoint they wanted to make sure it’s Hazel who saves the day, however it carries a very painful implication of Dale likely actively lying to Dev about lactose free alternatives for Dev. I can’t imagine why he would do such a thing, maybe he thinks they taste or smell gross and don’t want them in the house? So he thinks it’s easier to just lie and say they don’t exist and eat pizza and such in front of Dev who can only watch in misery.

And yes I am assuming Dale likely would do this based off of when Dev talks about how he would have to sit and watch everyone enjoy pizza and not get any. He sounds like he’s talking from personal experience and with how sensitive to it he is it feels more like a reaction to something he’s had to deal with before vs a fear of it he has.

Regardless of it I’m correct or not, it is undeniable the school really spectacularly failed Dev in this regard and once again set him up for failure. What do I mean by that? In Peace of Pizza we see Dev show Hazel his allergy card.

(Yes I am going on a mini tangent here bare with me I didn’t know a better place to put this) now I don’t know about you but I have only ever seen allergy cards like this in either a school setting or perhaps at a large dinner where everyone is defaulted to being served the same plate of food and people with allergies or other dietary restrictions have a card so the server knows they have one of the special plates. This to me indicates the school knows or should reasonably know Dev can’t have lactose. Despite them reasonably knowing Dev can’t have pizza, they do not offer him any alternatives to enjoy as a reward. As a kid when something like this was done, an alternative was given to the kid with allergies so they could still participate in the fun and not feel left out, however for Dev it seems the default is he’s left out. He’s expected to and frowned upon for not participating in Kindness Day despite, in his eyes, him being actively punished if he does. While everyone else gets a reward to enjoy, he would have to watch and be miserable. No, this is not the end of the world obviously but it is incredibly unkind to Dev to not have anything for him that he can enjoy as a reward despite being expected to participate for a reward the school knows he cannot have and it carries an extra sting happening on a day literally called kindness day.

Yes I know that the school is trying to teach kids the importance of kindness so it shouldn’t be about the reward, but again it does feel wildly unfair to reward most students while seemingly singling out one to not get anything. They’re trying to teach kindness while refusing to be kind to one of their students. And further yes I understand this was done so we could see Hazel be a good negotiator and be the hero. Yes fine, but it is hard to ignore the implications this writing choice carries regarding Dev. It shows the school is extremely disinterested at best regarding Dev and his health needs and I don’t blame Dev for not wanting to participate if this is what the school does when Dev has an allergy restriction and can’t enjoy something for the entire class. Hazel has to be the one to wish for a pizza for Dev. It’s not Hazels job to make sure her classmates feel included and have fun. It shouldn’t fall on her shoulders to help her classmates, that should be on the teachers but they didn’t seem to notice or care Dev was feeling left out. The school could afford to buy a whole pile of pizzas it doesn’t feel unreasonable to think they could afford to do something so Dev doesn’t feel so left out.

Like I don’t know get him Oreos or something it doesn’t have to be big just something so he’s not the only one who doesn’t get anything. Again yes I realize the point was to have Hazel save the day and get her and Dev closer I understand this but that doesn’t change the fact that it makes the school seem to not care about a kid who is already severely emotionally neglected at home. They could have had the school offer an alternative that Dev didn’t like or if they wanted to keep this a secret have Mr. Guzman be the one to hand Dev the lactose free pizza and make some comment and realize he forget to tell Dev or something. Yes it’s not ideal to have him forget to say anything but for me it would be easier to hand wave away then absolutely nothing, and again it just adds onto Dev the feeling that he is unimportant and doesn’t matter. These moments of rejection and loneliness start to add up and get harder and harder to deal with emotionally.

Rewinding some for just a second but in Stanky Danky we do see a brief moment of Dale showing more love and affection to a sentient trash can than Dev. Once again it’s a short moment on screen for us but we can see Dev is pretty upset and hurt by this rejection.

Dev seems to bounce back from this pretty quickly, possibly he’s used to his dad behaving this way which is a whole other can of worms to open up but at this point, he’s not friends with Hazel and still has his walls up which I think potentially plays a part in this but I’ll circle back to that.

Then theirs the uh infamous statue scene that is emotionally devastating and no one besides Hazel and sort of Wanda seem to recognize how fucked up it is. Even still Hazel forgets all about Dev the second she wins the hat and once again, Dev is a lower priority than an inanimate object. Let me be clear, I am not angry at Hazel, she’s a kid at the end of the day and frankly it’s very easy to distract kids. She’s not a bad kid or friend here for getting distracted I’m just discussing from the Dev side of things that in this episode the two people that matter most to him have placed an inanimate object as their priority over Dev. Whether or not Dev realizes Hazel forgot about him for her hat isn’t exactly clear, but it happened and I talk about it solely because it makes my heart hurt and if I have to suffer so do you.

What’s interesting to me is we see Dev has been suffering for some time, but it’s only after Founders Day that he finally is given a Godparent. Arguably it’s likely the getting direct confirmation that boots are more important to his father then his own son, he bought them on the day Dev was born, seemingly if Devs math is correct, and that overshadowed Devs birth, but I find it interesting to explore some other factors that maybe make the blow feel even worse.

We know Dev hasn’t had a friend before Hazel, she’s really the first person that he called a friend. She helped bring down his sky high walls that his classmates seemed to intimidated by to even attempt to cross over. (I also wonder if somehow a fear of Dale maybe also involved with his lack of friends). And we also know Dale is at best emotionally distant which likely Dev impersonated to try and fit in better with his dad and to try and protect himself from getting hurt. However, Hazel breaks down that protective barrier he’s had on so when his dads statue is revealed and he and Hazel fight, it hurts more then it did previously because he doesn’t have that protection anymore and has to face the full brunt of that pain and rejection. Not only that but he is also, in his mind, losing his first and only friend despite him risking so much trying to keep her safe from his dad. Being rejected hurts, but being rejected while trying to do the right thing? Thats got to be an even bigger emotional blow.

I know some of what happens in the season 1 finale, I don’t know all the details or how we get their but I have a feeling Devs feelings of being unwanted and unloved potentially play a massive role in his breakdown. His school couldn’t care less about him, his dad is emotionally abusive, he doesn’t have any friends and every time he gets a glimpse of happiness it’s brutally ripped away from him. This is a literal 9 year old child, and he’s having to deal with being neglected and ignored by any person in his life who is supposed to really be there for him. It’s realistic to life kids slip through the cracks far too often, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, especially knowing that things just get worse for him from here. All I can hope is season 2 gives him some relief and he gets someone in his life who genuinely cares about him and will be there for him.

That’s everything so far I have in regards to thoughts about Dev. I always love hearing other people’s thoughts and I certainly will have more as I continue with the season.

[keen-li]

NEW YEAR, NEW MARMALADE; new year special.

☆BEFORE

Synopsis: where all you and jungkook's shenanigans began.

2nd drabble; Part of the MARMALADE series.

MASTERLIST

Warnings: two tipsy goofies, unprotected sex ( don't be silly, wrap it before you tap it), spanking, fingering, pet names, denial, no thinks, not so affectionate, dirty talking.

Wc: 4.3k

18+, Minors do not interact.

☆

It sucks how you were spending your new year's eve at home doing nothing. But you're glad at least you were living upto you new year's resolution. No parties.

You knew that there were parties happening, were you invited? No. Would you even go if you were? No, well maybe cause home is just a little boring.

You've settled to having a loner comfort night. Curled up into your couch with a blanket in your pajama shorts and a hot pizza by your side. Nothing better than this.

Ding dong.

You knit your eyebrows at the sound of the door bell. You weren't expecting anyone nor did you order anything.

You stand walking cautiously to the door, when you get to it you peep through the tiny hole. To your surprise to you see jungkook standing infront of your door, hand in his hair waiting for someone to open the door. His tattoos are perfectly on display in his black t-shirt.

Still a little confused to why he's here you open the door. Jungkook's eyes move to you as your figure comes into frame when you fully open the door.

"Hey" he says voice sure and deep.

The porch light illuminates his features well enough for you to admire, his lips look redder than usual.

"Hey" you respond a little more unsure and timid and your eyes move to the wine bottle in his hand.

"My brother isn't around" you inform "didn't he tell you?"

Your brother decided to leave you home alone and spend new year with his girlfriend out of town.  You were glad that he left so you can enjoy the new year alone.  You actually hoped to go to a party but ended up not feeling like it.

"I know" his words shock you, if he knows then what is he doing here.

"I came to see you" his sure smile and demeanour takes you back more.

You hum and nod awkwardly.

"Why?" You finally ask.

"Didn't see you at the party, so I thought you'd need some company"

"Do you mean the party I wasn't invited to?" You chuckle a bit directing for him to get in.

"What do you mean? I gave your brother the invitation" he informs you "he told me he'd give it to you." He waits for your response.

"I guess he didn't want me to go... cause he never gave it to me" you chuckle "he never liked me going going parties alone anyways"

"That's why you should give me your number so we can communicate directly" you smile at his attempt, which was kinda smooth to you.

Jungkook hums.

"Kinda sad you didn't come though" he places the bottle on your kitchen counter and his eyes meet yours. "I was hoping to see you"

Your heart thumps when he says that, you aren't sure if he means what you think but whatever he means it has your heart thumping.

You want to ask what he means but you don't want to ruin whatever you think he means.

"Do you drink?" He asks his eyes pointed to the bottle.

"Yeah I do" you pull out to wine glasses from your cabinet. Your mother insisted on you guys having those just in case, she's the care-free kind.

-

"Is it too strong?" He asks you leaning back against your couch, legs spread as he takes in his third glass of wine.

"No i-i don't think so" you stumble on your words showing the effect of the third glass on you.

Jungkook chuckles noticing how buzzed you've gotten. He himself's kinda buzzed too, he never expected wine to have such an effect on him so early on. He guesses it's cause of how comfortable he is right now.

"Why did you come here, you should've been at the party" you turn to face him.

"I came to keep you company. Plus it was boring anyways" he plays with the wine in his glass "it's good you never came"

You both laugh at that.

The party was surely boring, mostly cause his mind was so occupied with you. He'd been thinking too much about whether you were going to come and his mind ended up slipping to other thoughts of you. Like the ones of your Instagram posts. The one's you took for your birthday. By the looks of it, and by what your brother had said, you had taken a birthday trip with your friends  and those pictures were a result of it.

Jungkook couldn't stop thinking of those photos,  your thighs on display in that bikini and the sun hitting you just right. And that pretty smile of yours, that warmed his heart.

He didn't even plan on lingering or finding your pictures. They just popped up on his feed and after that he couldn't stop looking. His mind wondering too far for his liking leading him to have a very hot and needy session with himself which ended with him taking a cold shower cause he couldn't seem to reach his end. He needed you.

He knew it was wrong in some way to think of his friend's sister in this kind of way but damn he couldn't help himself. You were just what he wanted, what he needed. In more ways than one. Even though he doesn't like it and doesn't even know why.

At the party his mind was so filled with you that when yuji spoke to him, he got kinda pissed. And that's one of the reasons he left the party,  cause of yuji.

He never planned on coming here, he never thought it was a good idea but he thought about you all alone, bored at him. So he wanted to keep you some company.

"Some company huh?" you questioned.

"Yep" he turns to face you. His eyes momentarily fall onto your lips while are lightly stained by the wine.

"Its on my new year's resolution anyways" you say and he knits his brows at you.

"What is?" He asks curious.

"No going to any parties" he laughs at your statement "what im serious" you laugh back, you eye the way his arm flexes when he stretches it to run his hand through his hair.

"It's a good resolution" he sounds like he's teasing you.

"Okay. Seems like you have a better one" you raise a brow at him leaning your arm on the couch head. "What's your new year's resolution?"

"Me?" He places his hand on his chest. "I'm not the type to do that kind of thing"

"Oh come on" you roll your eyes. "Don't be like that"

"What?" He chuckles at you.

"I know you have a resolution. Even one" you lift your pointer to emphasise.

Jungkook chuckles at your bubblely talkativeness. He never knew you could be like this, maybe it's the wine.

"No I don't have any" he laughs and you shake your head.

"Okay okay" you pause placing a hand in his chest. You don't seem to realise what you're doing but jungkook does. He looks down at your hand that's still on him and it  brings a grin on his face. Makes him feel some kind of way. But he can't seem to deduce what it is. He lifts his head to stare at you and you don't seem attentive to what you're doing to him with that small touch.

"What do you want for yourself next year" you say your voice calm and you hold eye contact with him. Your eyes are genuine as you ask that question.

Jungkook puts on a thinking face as you stare at his wine stained pouty lips.

"You can tell me" your tone is warm and welcoming. He's never thought about what he wants for himself next year. He just lives life, hoping the choices come easy, which they never do. The way your eyes watch him warmly and your tone welcomes him to be able to open up, he feels like he can be open with himself and with you.

"Uhhh" he thinks "maybe to make better choices" he tells you voice calm and still in thought.  He does think he should learn to make better choices, maybe his life would be a little better.

"See thats a good start" your hand finally leaves his chest and he already misses your touch.

"Now you should keep your word" you move and reach for your glass of wine.

Jungkook places a hand on yours stopping you.

"Maybe you shouldn't drink more... you've had enough" his face is so close to yours that you can smell the wine from his breath.

"Don't you think you've had enough baby?" He says voice soft and gentle and he stares into your eyes. He doesn't know where that name came from but he said it and he doesn't regret it. The look on your face tells him you probably don't mind it too.

You don't know why but that name causes something to switch in you. With the way hes looking at you and you're currently switching to look at his lips, you can't help yourself. You're not even sure if he wants it too and you know it's probably wrong but it feels right in the moment.

With his lips so close to you you take the chance and connect your lips.  Maybe it's the wine that gave you the confidence or maybe it's just the need and desire for jungkook.  Your lips connect and it feels good, you've thought about this for some time now, but with the way he doesn't kiss you back makes you feel like you've pushed the limit.

"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I-i-i shouldn't have done that" you move back.

"Maybe you were right, I shouldn't drink more" you chuckle awkwardly. You continue to mumble apologises and jungkook smirks at your mumbles.

"Shhh" you freeze when you feel his hand on your cheek. He lifts your face so you can face him.

"I liked it" He says before connecting your lips again. "You just caught me off gaurd" he smiles against your lips and your heart relaxes when he says he likes it.

You place your hands around his neck pulling him closer into your lips and hes kinda shocked by your forwardness. His lips are soft and smooth against yours, the way he pulls your lower lip makes you release a moan.

"Never thought you were the eager kind" he says leaning you back to rest your head against the couch.

You want to tell him you've thought about this before but you don't wanna make yourself seem desperate. You trap jungkook between your legs as he hovers over you.

His lips continue to move with yours in a hurried kiss, his tongue still tastes like wine which makes you pull him in closer. You hands pull at his roots and he releases a moan.

"Baby you're gonna have to go easy on me" he releases a breathy chuckle that brushes against your lips.

"I'm pretty sure you can handle it" your hands move down his chest to grab the end of his shirt.

"I can" he grinds his growing bulge against your core and you release a needy moan.

Your hands wantingly move to his belt and before you can rip it off; his hand stops you.

"Wait" he pauses and you knit your brows. "Are you sure or maybe you're just drunk"

"I'm pretty sober and sure I don't know about you?" You raise a brow at him.

"I am too" he smiles before going back to the wet and needy kiss.

You're both pretty sober. Sober enough to know that you're about to fuck your Brother's friend and for him to know he's about to fuck he's friend's sister.  But that's the last of your concerns right now, what you have in mind right now is to take off jungkook's pants.

He stands moving from you to pull off his pants fully leaving him shirtless in his briefs.

"Take those off" he nods to your bottoms and you comply quickly pulling them off. Jungkook widens his eyes when he sees you aren't wearing anything underneath.

"Commando huh?"

"It was my day of rest today" you defend as he sits himself between your thighs.

"Or maybe you were waiting for somebody?" You shake your head at his question and he smiles.

"Good" he connects your lips, immediately searching for your tongue and finding it.

Your hands caress his abs and the muscles that contract under your touch.

"Are you a..." he asks cautiously hoping you catch on.

"No. But its been a while" you tell him getting shy for the first time tonight. You haven't slept with anyone in a while, you've just been trying to pay attention to school. Maybe that's why you feel so needy for jungkook, and not that you actually feel something for him.

"Fuck" you grunt when you pull jungkook out of his briefs, hot and heavy.

"What? Are you scared?" He asks a little cheeky and proud that he had that reaction from you.  Cause he knows girls can get kinda intimidated by his him.

"No. But maybe just a bit" you stroke him a bit making him scrunch his face. How he'd love to have your hands wrapped around him forever but tonight he just needs to fuck you.

"Don't worry I'll be gentle" he whispers by your ear and brushes his tip through your folds. You release a moan hoping he doesn't tease you for long.

"But I won't promise that next time" he places open kisses on your neck.

Next time? You wonder. Does he plan on making this a routine, you don't mind though.

He continues to swipe his tip in between your folds and you honestly feel like you could finish this way but its not enough still.

"Jungkook please" you whine.

"You don't want me to prep you a bit" he moves his hands and sticks two fingers in you.  The stretch burns a little but pleasures more. He watches your face show many emotions by the the he pulls his fingers in and out. The squelching sounds make blood rush to his cock making it pulse even harder.

"Fuck baby, you're so fucking wet" he confesses by your ear but you're to lost in the pleasure to respond. Your whines and whimpers fall onto jungkook's ear. A melody to his ears.

Jungkook can feel your hole pulsate around his fingers and your moans grow louder. He knows you're close.

"Come on baby. Come over my fingers" he encourages.

Jungkook's words and the sounds in the air encourage you reach your end.

"Fuck" you moan breathless.

"Fuck is right baby" he kisses your lips. "You think you can take my cock, come for me one more time?" He asks and you nods.

"Please" is all you can say and you lock your lips with his. As your lips intertwine you can feel his tip at your entrance.

You gasp when you feel him push through.  The stretch is wider than before and it has you gripping the skin of his back.

"Shhh. Its okay" he pushes further and your slick helps him move further. He fully settles in you and stays like that for a bit getting comfortable.

Jungkook can't help but think about how warm and comfortable you feel. He's thought about this ever since he doesn't even know when. Ever since that damn Christmas party last year. He doesn't why or when it happened but you made him feel different. Looking at you that night felt different, like he wasn't looking at his friend's sister. But he can't think about that right now, maybe later. Right now you're someone he really wants. And needs.

This is really gonna help him take his mind off things and enjoy you.

"You're so freaking warm"

He doesn't even want to move,  he could stay like this forever. With his little cock sleeve to keep him warm and cozy.

"Are you gonna move or not?" You snap him out of his thoughts and he chuckles.

"Sorry got comfortable in your little pussy" you clench when he says that.

Jungkook raises a brow at that reaction.

"You like that huh?" He slips out. "You like it when I talk about this little pussy" you clench again as he moves In again. He groans at how tight you feel , the way you hold onto him for dear life.

"Fuck baby. If you hold onto me any tighter I won't last long"

You chuckle and pull his face towards yours.

"That would be a shame"

"I know,  that's why you need to open up for me"

Instead you tighten restricting his movements teasingly. You see him scrunch his face then throw a warning glare and grin at you. Knowing what you're doing you smirk and tighten even more.

"Behave yourself Y/n" he says your name pleading and desperate. You don't seem to want to obey him so he does the only thing he knows.

You gasp when a smack lands on your thighs. It stings and falls hards.

"Ouch"

"I wanted to go soft on you, but you dont seem like you deserve it" another smack lands on the same spot.

"Huh?Do you think you deserve it?" You suck in a breath as he rubs the stinging area.

"Huh?" Another one lands and the fact that he's still in you makes you clench around him. Though it feels good you just want to feel him move.

You shake your head answering his question.

"So you like being spanked as well" he moves to your ear "you're not the good girl i thought you were" he chuckles "but I don't mind."

He grips your thighs spreading them roughing and you groan. And like a maniac starts to frantically rock into you.

You can barely hold in your moans and whimpers as he drills into you mercilessly.

His name casually falls from your lips in between moans.

Jungkook wants to confess how much he's thought about this and about you. But he doesn't want to seem desperate or like he just came here to fuck you. He didn't plan on it but he couldn't say no. He just wanted to talk to you,  little did he know you also seemed to share the same thoughts. Or maybe you were just looking for a quick fuck cause you haven't had the chance to in a while. He doesn't want to think about it. Whether you're fucking for the sake of it or whether you actually feel something, he doesn't care. It'd be better if you don't think much of this anyways.

You move your hands to reach were you're both connected. Your hands start to rub circles on your bud and jungkook smacks your thigh drawing your attention.

He shakes his head. "Jungkook please" you whine.

He knows what you want, and jungkook doesn't like to take orders but he'll do it for you.

Your moans grow stronger as you feel his fingers rub circles where you need it the most. Your head beings to go dizzy with pleasure as jungkook starts to speed up.

"Fuck I'm so close" he says grunting.

"Me too" you inform.

His hips don't halt as you clench feeling your high reach.

"Fuck I'm not on birth control" you remember and inform him worriedly at the last minute. You got carried away.

"Fuck y/n" he sounds a little mad.

"Sorry"

"I'll pull out" he tells you his face scrunched up.

You grip the couch as the knot snap in you. "Shit" you moan.

"Where do you want it?" He asks rushed, you can't even think or ponder on his statement cause your brain gets foggy from the overstimulation from him chasing his own high.

"Fuck Y/n. SPEAK!" the way he grips your thighs pulls your attention. You don't get the chance to respond as he pulls put and spurts on your stomach.

"Fuck" he runs his hands through his hair. "When I ask you something, respond quickly"

He slaps your thigh.

"Otherwise next time I'm gonna put a baby in you" he grits his teeth as he stands to put on his trousers. He doesn't seem mad but maybe just a little annoyed about it.

"And we both don't want that" he throws you a tissue he got from the kitchen.

You wipe him off you and put on your bottoms.

You watch jungkook put on his shirt and the lack of a little more care and affection or even eye contact  aches you in some kind of way. You shouldn't care but you can't help but to, you hug your frame as you stand. There's still a little discomfort in between your legs but its still bare able.

You watch jungkook walk to the door and you raise your brows.

"You're leaving?" you ask timidly no longer feeling so confident. He turns his head in question.

"I mean we could finish the movie" you say trying to convince him.

"That movie's long gone y/n" he chuckles as he holds the door open and steps on the porch, you follow and place your hand on the door.

"Plus, I'm not sure when when your brother will be back so I better get going. "

You want to tell him that your brother won't be here tonight or even tomorrow but you decide to let him leave.  If he wants to he can leave you're not gonna hold him. Even though it does kinda make you feel used. Maybe it's the lover girl in you.

Jungkook notices the sad look on your face and that you're now shielding yourself from him, which makes him frown. He doesn't want to make you feel like he was using you, that's not what he was doing. He just knows that it's not best for him to stay.  He knows your brother won't be here tonight, he just used it as an excuse, he can't stay any longer that he should've. Now that he thinks about it he shouldn't have even fucked you, but he doesn't regret it still.

"I enjoyed tonight" he says hoping that lifts your spirits up.  It seems to only do half of it, and you give him a half smile.

"Me too" you say voice still shallow.

"Uhh"

He wants to say something but is interrupted by a loud pop and flash in the sky. You both watch the brightly coloured sparks spread in the sky, and the loud sound makes you jump a little but he doesn't noticed.

Jungkook hums pulling out his phone to check the date. You watch a smile pull on his face as he turns to you.

"I guess it's new year" he says trying to sound jolly and you give him the most genuine smile you have.

"Happy New year Y/n" he approaches you and places a kiss on your forehead, which he'd never do but he's just trying to make you feel better and let you know he wasn't using you.

Somehow it does give you some comfort as you take in his scent one more time, you're sure this scent's gonna linger for the rest of the night.

"Happy New year jungkook" you smile sounding a little happier.

Jungkook walks away as the fireworks still blare in the sky. You stay outside watching the sky a little longer as you wonder what the heck you just did. Did you really just fuck your Brother's friend.  What makes it worse is that it was the best fuck of your life. What a way to start the year, your friends would tap your back for this. But you don't think its anything to cheer you on for.

As jungkook drives back home he hopes you dont get carried away with this. It would make the situation even worse. He doesn't regret it, he just doesn't want to drag you along. He kind of wishes he never slept with you,  maybe he shouldn't even have visited you. But it's not your fault its his.

-

It's been like 5 days into the new year and you couldn't stop thinking about new year's eve. You still don't regret it but you're just kind of concerned whether your brother would find out.

You've tried to act like yourself and not awkward like jungkook told you to.

"Just act cool otherwise he'll notice" he says through the speaker of yaour phone.

"I'm trying" you say.

"Try harder" he chuckles and so do you.

"But what if he finds out?" you nervously say mentally biting your nails.

You hear jungkook sigh.

"Y/n" his voice drops an octave as he says your name and he gives you flashbacks of that night.

"Your brother won't find out, I promise you. That's if you don't give it away"

You hum and feel kind of reassured that jungkook won't tell. Its all up to you to not give it up.

"Do you kind of regret it" you ask softly and he seems taken aback by your question.

"Do you?"

You've been thinking about that and you're pretty sure of your answer now.

"No I don't" you bite your bottom lip. "Do you?"

Do you feel nervous asking him that? YES. Cause what if he says yes, what will you do then. You kind of don't want to hear his answer now, but it's too late you've already asked.

"No." Your heart thumps.

"But maybe I would if I couldn't still feel your pussy wrapped around my cock"  you can hear the smirk as he says that.

You smile as he says that, some how even through the phone he has you clenching around nothing.

"Good night Y/n. See you when I see you" you can literally hear him smile it's crazy.

"Have a good year jungkook" you say before cutting.

This is gonna be an interesting year for you.

☆

I hope you all have a lovely and pleasant New year. hope you'll be with MARMALADE even next year:)

Happy new year.

I'm not a professional at writing smut, hope this was digestible.

[gofancyninjaworld]

Hello!!

I would like to ask. What do you think of the negative reviews regarding the current direction of the OPM manga?

I have seen a lot of negative opinions that OPM is going to failure because of Murata (and even ONE), because the Blast Vs Void fight has been uncertain for a long time since the manga break, and then we were introduced to the neo heroes arc. That many have found it boring since the story of the ninja village was interrupted, and that the last chapters have been very short and it feels that the work progresses very slowly. In addition, OPM has had constant redraws and the last arc of MA and cosmic garou was somewhat controversial for its resolution, added to the redraws.

In addition to this, I see that people support that the work completely forgets about Saitama, pointing out that the main character is not forgotten since he practically does not appear (beyond the covers). Finally, I have also seen that some people point out that ONE has decreased the quality of the work because of being involved in other manga. And that OPM has lost quality completely.

I would like to hear other opinions, because I feel that they are somewhat exaggerated. But honestly I have been frustrated not to see Blast and Void fight, and I feel that many people waiting for this fight makes them lose interest in Neo-Heroes because they feel like they introduced this reunion at a bad time. I feel that Murata and One are overlapping these WC arcs, and developed in parallel. But that's my speculation....

Lol. I laugh now because the reality of watching OPM being made is a bit like the pitch experiment. It flows but not a timescale that makes sense to sit and watch it.

I started following the manga in 2016, right at the tail end of the time when Murata would only get a storyboard every 2-3 months, and would often post only a handful of pages of redrawn stuff. Then it went to every 2-3 weeks with month-long pauses but at least new story, 15-20 pages. Then it started to be 30+ pages at a time, every 3-4 weeks. Then it started to be 30-ish pages at a time, every other week. ONE has managed to deliver storyboards consistently enough that there's a whole generation of people who joined in the last 3-4 years who have no damn idea it was ever any different.

This is far from the first time that many updates have gone into making a single chapter: Saitama vs. Genos, the Giant Meteor, all the chapters of the Alien invasion, King, to just name a few, advanced a few pages at a time over many weeks. This is not the first time that Saitama has been gone from the story for months: when it's compiled, he's away from the story for only a few chapters but it sure doesn't look that way following chapter-to-chapter.

And as for redraws, BITCH, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE STORY WHERE THE FIRST CHAPTER WAS REDRAWN FIVE TIMES! If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know, I don't know what does. I used to tell people regularly that if you don't want uncertainty, buy the volumes or wait for the anime. That's when you'll see the story as it was intended to be seen. Want immediacy? Then you have to make peace with the fact that this work does change regularly.

As for whether it has lost quality... make your mind up for yourself! 'Quality' is a meaningless term without a set of criteria. A good quality F1 racecar is a poor quality 18-wheeler -- and vice versa. So what quality are you referring to? Sure, I've heard some people grumble about having fewer panels they can hang up on the wall as decontextualised art pieces but they're losing the point of the panels as being moments in a sequential story. There's people who are annoyed at it not being the webcomic with nicer art, to which I say, 'DUH!' The manga has only one job, and it's the only quality criterion on which I judge it: does it delight me? Its only job is to entertain... hopefully enough to induce you to part with some disposable income.

If you're not entertained, give yourself permission to drop it. Life is short and excellent works are many: don't hang onto something that doesn't bring joy to your life. The OPM manga delights me. If that changes, I will drop it.

Hope that answers your questions.

[theweeklydiscourse]

I think one of my biggest grievances with ACOTAR is how the family dynamics is written and how the author offers no explanation at all, just expects the readers to move on. Feyre's father not even acknowledging the existence of the youngest daughter who was keeping them all alive, nesta's general cold indifference to feyre's life and an obvious preference for elain (we honestly don't see any prove of that aside from some words, typical of sjm) should've been explained by now yet we still don't get an answer for any of it and if we do the books as well as the fandom gaslights you into thinking you're just "hating" "move on" or "feyre forgave so it's okay" like idc about forgiveness I just need answers! I think the readers totally deserve to know why the main freaking character was treated in such an abusive way as by her family when their treatment of her is what shapes her and her falling for the first man who took care of her, a direct consequence of their treatment. Your MC's backstory is too important to just brush off like that.

Nesta's strained relationship with Feyre was such a huge part of her character like she was almost defined by that so it absolutely boggles my mind that she and feyre don't have a single meaningful conversation that gives the readers some answers and of nothing else then a resolution (kind of what we got in book 1 before sjm destroyed it). I feel like it's the lack of resolution between the sisters Nesta & Feyre in particular, that has made the fandom so divided.

But their relationship isn't the only such thing, SJM has a habit of mentioning things that absolutely should matter and then forgetting about them just because wasn't feeling like it. For instance: the weird triangle between Cassian/Mor/Azriel, how Cassian was pissed that Mor never went back to him after one time and her telling him to not "be her keeper" in acomaf (or was it acowar?) none of it is ever explained. As soon as Cassian as a new shiny mate all is forgotten and we're all supposed to move on to without getting any proper answers. It's so frustrating to read a book like that yk. No wonder the fandom is ready to implode.

It’s not just a lack of resolutions because there are resolutions to the emotional conflicts between the Archerons, the issue is that Maas consistently rescinds the development that occurs throughout the story to instead write indulgent and gratuitous retreads of emotional beats that already happened.

But the true issue at hand here, is that it just doesn’t make any sense.

Sure, if we take the family dynamic in ACOTAR at face value then yes, it’s horrendous for Feyre who is essentially running herself ragged to support a family of spoiled and ungrateful individuals. Taking it at face value would mean accepting the plausibility of Feyre, a young illiterate amateur huntress, supporting 3 other adults for 5-8 years with her efforts alone. But I don’t believe that scenario to be plausible, and Maas does not do a good job of convincing me that the Archeron family dynamic is believable.

The family dynamic is manufactured for the deliberate purpose of serving ACOTAR's wish-fulfillment narrative. Feyre's suffering is supposed to be indulgent and gratuitous because it makes the eventual reward of luxury and power in Prythian that much sweeter. The problem though, is that Maas expands upon established characters later on in a manner that contradicts her initial characterizations of them. So, she doesn't consider that readers actually remember previously established concepts and characterizations and feel the friction of the story's retroactive continuity. So even when Feyre DOES forgive her sisters, readers feel frustrated because the conflict never stays buried for long (because Maas constantly retreads the same plot threads) It’s not surprising that many people cannot let go of Nesta’s previous mistakes when the narrative is still grasping onto it with a cold iron grip for NO REASON.

Also, Nesta’s obvious preference for Elain is not only nonsensical, but never truly explained. I could believe it if maybe Elain was sickly and Nesta took on the role of her protector, or if they had a degree of separation from Feyre like a significant age gap, were half-siblings or if Feyre was adopted, but there’s nothing like that in the text. I just find the idea that Nesta would treat her youngest sister like chopped liver while prioritizing the elder to be unrealistic and unnecessarily frustrating.

You’re right about this lack of resolution being a factor on the division of the fandom. People debate and argue over what information they’re supposed to take seriously and remember and what can be disregarded due to its inconsistency.

[ficthots]

Resolutions

A/N: This photo of Josh really does something to me. Does that make me crazy? Probably, but I just adore photos that show his personality. Okay, this one has a happy ending, I promise! As always let me know what you guys think and enjoy.

Warnings: SMUT. DNI if you are under 18. 18+ Content only.

Word Count: 10.7k+

December 31st 

There truly is no holiday like New Years. It doesn’t get as much love and appreciation as it should, honestly. What is more exciting than a year full of possibilities and knowing that it could potentially be the best time of your life? Seriously, there’s nothing like it. 

It’s why New Year's Eve is your favorite day of the year. Sure, to some people it’s just another day, but to you, it’s an entire world of opportunity that is laid in front of you, just waiting to be given a chance.

Every year, without fail you would carefully select a resolution that you would try your hardest to make happen within the following 365 days. In your eyes it wasn’t just a superstition, but a sound way to attempt to meet a personal goal, whatever it may be. Getting excited about the year ahead and the challenges and achievements that would happen.

In years past, you had accomplished those resolutions. Getting into a new hobby had been one goal you set in previous years. Deciding that needlework looked like an interesting task and by the end of the year you were a master of it. Every now and then you still dabble in it after a long day of work or school. 

Another year was trying to get yourself more comfortable with doing things by yourself. Taking yourself out to a movie, dinner, running errands. Anything that you normally would have tried to find someone to accompany you to, you did by yourself. 

It ended up being one of the best years of your life. Doing things you normally wouldn’t have because you were embarrassed. Now, it seemed silly as you looked back on all the missed opportunities from other years simply because you had no one to go with.

This previous year, you decided that your phone was taking up far too much time in your life so setting the goal to four hours of screen time a day whilst also deleting all social media to ensure a good detox was your resolution foundation. You never even missed it anymore. Unsure how you were spending so much of your time on that device was truly mind boggling, but happy with the switch in the end. 

Standing in your best friend’s living room, helping her hang a New Year’s banner on her wall, you hummed to the tune playing in the background. “Alright, I’m dying to hear it.” Your brow furrowed, stepping off the arm of the couch, smoothing your skirt back down.

“Hear what?” She rolled her eyes, going to grab a streamer and toss it over the ceiling fan blades. “Your resolution. What is the big goal for the year?” Feeling heat creep up your neck and face, you felt sheepish in your reply. 

Clearing your throat, you caught the streamer as it sailed towards you before hurling it back in her direction. “It’s a big one this year.” She eyed you expectantly, exhaling a large gust of breath as you continued on. “By midnight of next year's New Year’s Eve I will be kissing the love of my life.” 

Her mouth hung agape, eyeing you in disbelief. “You’re being serious?” Shrugging at her question, you continued tossing the streamer back and forth. “Of course I am. I’ve accomplished all my other ones so why not this one?” 

She took the remainder of the streamer roll and sat it down on the counter, eyeing you as she continued on. “All I’m saying is that picking up a new hobby and finding the love of your life are just a tad bit different.” 

Your eyebrows wiggled at her, a laugh emitting with it. “No shit sherlock. You’ll see,” as you finished, a knock sounded at the door, signaling the party was just beginning. You were so totally going to prove her wrong. Obviously, you knew it was a big deal, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t do it or had less of a chance to actually accomplish this. 

You’d prove her wrong. 

December 31st-One Year Later

Okay so maybe you’d overshot just a little bit. You thought that it was going to be possible. Especially with how this previous year had gone. You thought it was going to align the cosmos perfectly. 

Instead, the cosmos were now laughing in your face as your best friend hung onto her boyfriend, waiting for the countdown to start. Sitting lonesome in the corner of the party, this was the first year where you truly didn’t feel like celebrating the closure of the year and welcoming the upcoming 365 days with a warm embrace. 

Not without him here. 

January 

New year also meant new semester. Within the first few days of the new year, you would always get your supply list for your courses and go shopping for whatever you would need. It’s why you were standing in the aisle of a bookstore, trying to find a copy of some eastern European novel from the 1980’s. 

Sensing the presence of another individual next to you, you made a mental note to not stray into their personal space as you searched for this book. Eyes quickly darting over the figure, his hair was shaved on the sides, an almost mixture of a mohawk and mullet decorating the top and back. His features were sharp, facial hair highlighting them. Clothes basic for the large personality you could tell he was. 

The book in his hand caught your attention, perking up at the sight of it. “Oh my gosh, I loved that book. ‘You Are The Universe’ is life altering, seriously. Dr. Chopra is a genius. Have you read any of his other works?” His deep brown eyes settled on you, seeing the overjoyed smile on your face and feeling his own match yours.

“Uh-yes. I have one of his books on meditation, actually.” Your eyes lit up even further. Hand darting out and grabbing his arm much to his surprise, you fell into a quick chatter about it. “I loved his book on meditation! He has a new one coming out this year, oh gosh what was it called? Something about definitive meditation to live an ultimate stress free life. I can’t wait!” He laughed at your excitement, shifting the book to his other hand to offer his. 

“I’m Josh.” Your smile held true as you offered your hand and name. His cheeks pinkened as he held eye contact with you, trying to clear his throat as he nodded towards the cafe. “Are you busy at all? I would love to hear about other books you’ve read or studied. Only if you’re not busy, you know!”

Biting back a laugh, you nodded at him. “I am not busy and I would love to chat with you, Josh.” He could’ve melted into the floor right then as your name fell from his lips for the first time. Letting you walk by him first, you led the way towards a free table you had spotted. 

You and Josh sat there and talked for hours. Multiple cups of coffee, laughing so hard you could hardly breath, you were enamored with the man sitting across from you. He was animated in his movements and words in a way you had never seen someone else do before. An accent or twang on words you had never heard before. Incredibly handsome features that only became more attractive the more he spoke, face mirroring everything he was thinking.

When the store associate came over to the table you both were seated at, interrupting your conversation, your face burned in mortification as they informed you both that the store was in fact closed and you needed to leave. Both scrambling to gather your belongings, you stood by the front doors and handed a piece of paper to the boy. 

His eyes widened in surprise at your number scribbled on the scrap and gave a large, toothy grin. “I had a blast talking with you, Josh. That is my number. Sorry I took up most of your day.” You turned on your heel, waving over your shoulder at him as he stood rooted to his spot in shock. “I’ll call you, okay?” 

Giggling, you offered a thumbs up, continuing on our walk to your apartment just a few blocks away. The second you got home that evening, you grabbed your phone, hearing the dial tone echo into the quiet room, waiting for her to pick up.

Her greeting rang out and you spoke quickly. “I think I met someone special today.” 

When Josh got home that evening, his twin stood in his kitchen, not an unusual sight to see. He was there more often than at his own residence. Josh was overjoyed to see him tonight anyways. Throwing his stuff onto the sofa, he released a long breath, beaming at his brother. 

“I think my life changed today.” 

February

Nearly every weekend was spent together. Brunch, park afternoons, finding crystal shops, it was a blast. You had learned a good chunk about the man and felt yourself falling for him uncharacteristically fast. Whether it was his charm, wit, or humor you didn’t know. Perhaps a combination of it all. 

The only obstacle you had faced so far was him being a tad protective over personal information about himself. Honestly, you didn’t try to pry too much, but it was the simple things like what he did for a living that was guarded by him. 

You understood, not everyone is entirely forthcoming with information and that’s okay. You knew that if you were to ask him, he would tell you. What you did know, you adored. How close he was with his family, especially his brothers. Seriously, they were involved in almost every story he told. Passion coursing through him about music in a way you had never experienced with anyone else. Spirituality being such a large portion of his life. 

Josh was a complex and extremely interesting man. It was what continuously drew you into him. Whenever he texted you, you never hesitated to respond and vice versa. If he invited you out, it was almost always a yes unless it conflicted with previous plans although you hadn’t shied away from canceling other plans to see him. 

He was doing the exact same for you. 

If your name popped up on his screen, it was in his hand in a split second. He always wanted to find activities to do with you, knowing it wouldn’t be hard to entertain you given how similar you truly were. Jake was utterly annoyed at how often he was speaking about you despite his warnings of being careful. Josh didn’t have the slightest worry in his mind. 

Not with you. 

After a morning spent at the farmer’s market together, you were overjoyed with the items you had found today. Josh’s own tote bag holding goodies he just couldn’t turn away from. “Hey, I want to drop these off at my place, is that okay? It’s super close, just a couple blocks away.” 

Your eyes were glued to your screen, but when you looked up at the boy, his smile blinded you. Chatting the entire way to your home, when you opened the door to your apartment, Josh surveyed the area. 

“Come in and make yourself at home.” You spoke as you walked the ten feet to your kitchen, setting the bag on the counter. The entire apartment was visible from where you stood. No designated bedroom, just a bed with a sofa at the end facing the television. A small bathroom off the singular room. Decent sized kitchen given the small space, but you didn’t mind.

You loved this place more than anything. It was your home and the first place you could afford to get into by yourself. Who cared if it was small? You certainly didn’t. And neither did Josh.

He toured himself around the space, taking in any information about you that he could. A small gallery wall was next to the front door, images showing a slew of people he didn’t know, but wanted to based on the show stopping smile that adorned your face in each snap. Little knick-knacks were littered on the minimal surface space. Your colorful comforter reminded him of something from the mid-2000’s. The flower shaped rug in the living room and bathroom backed that up. 

It screamed you.

Plopping yourself down on the sofa, you watched as Josh continued moving around the space. Being respectful not to touch anything, his arms securely behind his back and joined at the wrists. A permanent smile on his lips, occasionally growing larger at small things he would notice. When his eyes fell to you once again after doing a full loop, he sat next to you. 

“I love your apartment. It’s very,” his smile grew softer as did his gaze, “you.” His finger booped your nose as he finished. Your chin tipped up, a large and proud grin placing itself on your features. “Thank you. I love it, too. First place I ever called my own.” 

He hummed in thought, eyes never leaving you. It happened within a split second. One moment you had made eye contact with him, the next you were straddling his waist, ingrained in an explosively passionate kiss. 

Tongue sweeping over every crevice of your mouth he could reach, desperate to get his fill of you in anyway he possibly could. A light whimper fell from your lips as his hips jutted upwards, quickly hardening cock pressing into the tiny amount of fabric that separates you two.

Dress bunched around your hips, the lacey thong you had opted for today proved to be a good decision. Practically dripping through the white material, he could feel the dampness pooling in between your legs.

When you pulled away from his mouth, a gasp escaping your throat at the sensation of the thrusting of your hips, he took the opportunity to leave his mark on your neck.

Fingers tangling in his locks, you tugged as he cupped your breasts over the fabric of your dress. “God, I’ve wanted to rip this off you all day. Walking around, begging to be fucked in this, huh?” 

Nodding feverently, you choked out a response, his thumb brushing over your budding nipple that poked through the fabric. “Yes, please, yes.” You didn’t care how desperate you sounded. 

Not when Josh was as rock hard as he was beneath you, feeling every inch pressing into your clothed core. Pulling the already plunging neckline down further, your breasts fell out of the top. 

A groan emitted from him at the astonishing sight. “No bra either? Fucking filthy,” he muttered as he took one in his mouth, entire nipple disappearing in between his teeth. Grinding down harder on him, he decided he didn’t want to tease. 

Not the first time, anyways. 

Switching to your neglected tit, he used his free hand to release himself from the confines of his pants. His weeping head immediately sank into your heat. 

Mouth falling open, no sound escaping, you savored the feeling of the stretch. Pussy walls fluttering around him as you sank further and further onto him, he was staggering through his breaths. 

Head falling back, his exposed neck was strained, veins popping with exertion. Leaning forward, the tip of your tongue traced up from his collarbone to his jawline, following one singular vein. Placing a chaste kiss at the end, he nearly whimpered.

Starting your movements quickly, his hands held onto your bare hips, fingers indented so deep, it was bruising. Knowing that this was going to finish fast, your pace matched the desperation you both felt.

His encouraging words filled your ears, the lude sounds somehow amplified as you chased your highs. It slammed into you, your body convulsing as you halted, not able to take the sensitivity as the overwhelming finish rocked you.

Josh was only moments after you, pulling out of your cunt despite that being the absolute last thing he wanted to do, but given he wasn’t wrapped and was unaware of your birth control situation, decided to play it as safe as he could.

As you both caught your breath, your hands rested on his heaving shoulders. The post orgasmic glow that decorated his skin made him look like a mythological god as he basked in the warmth. 

“Thanks for coming over.” You huffed out with a laugh as his barking one echoed through the small space. 

March

Hangs at your place became a regular after that day. Josh would wander over for dinner constantly, spending the night more often than not. You looked forward to those days, where he would show up at your door with either takeout from a new place he had heard about or ingredients for you two to cook together. 

It was after another shared night, sweat riddled bodies stuck together, cum painting your stomach after another intense release. He pulled you up, having you join him in your unbelievably tiny shower where he washed away the dirty details of the evening from your skin. 

Far too pretty to hold the remanentes of the night on you for longer than necessary. His aftercare was unmatched, always going the extra mile to let you know that the crude phrases and acts he performed on you were never what he truly thought. You informed him that you knew he never meant it, but he swore he needed to prove it to you. 

Who were you to fight that? 

His hand traced lazy circles on your bare shoulder, on the verge of drifting off to sleep when his voice broke the silence. “Star?” Tilting your head back to get a better view of him, you placed a chaste kiss to the underside of his jaw to let him know you were listening. “Do you want to come over to my place tomorrow?”

Smile growing with a true tiredness seeping into it, you nodded. Snuggling closer to his bare chest, a content sigh escaped him. Excited for what tomorrow would offer. Ready to answer the questions he knew you would have.

This had to be the wrong address.

Double and then triple checking the address he had sent you, you stared at the massive country house in disbelief. It resembled more of an estate than a house. The message stared back at you, Doors unlocked come on in :) 

This couldn’t be the house. Wasn’t he the same age as you? You could’ve sworn he said he was. Then what the hell did he do for work? Tech? Trust fund baby? All of these thoughts ran rampant in your head as your legs carried you to the door, pushing open the large wooden piece, and stepping into the foyer. 

“Jo-Josh?” Your voice wavered and cracked as you called out. The front entryway alone looked like it belonged in Architectural Digest. You weren’t entirely sure it hadn’t been featured already. His voice carried through the space, calling out to you from a direction you weren’t sure of. The place was so large you thought your ears were playing tricks on you. 

Trusting your gut, keeping your hands at your sides, you followed the sounds of music and the smell of cooking to get you to where he was. The enormous kitchen had him looking like a gourmet chef as he prepared dinner for you both. He turned when he heard you arrive, a beaming smile greeting you as he circled the counter. 

Lips landing on yours, both hands cupping your cheeks, you barely registered what was happening. “Hello, my stardust. Did you have trouble finding the place? It took you a bit.” He walked back to the stove and you shook your head, terrified to touch anything.

“No, no, I just wasn’t sure I had the correct address. This place is,” you trailed off, eyes scouring the high ceiling, falling to the dining room, “big.” You finally finished, settling your attention back on him. “I thought you were twenty-six?” You spoke before you could catch yourself.

A cackle fell from him as he plated your food. “I am.” Eyes quickly darting up to see your confused face. “Then, what? How?” Josh nodded at your question, grabbing the plates and bypassing the dining room. “Grab those glasses and that bottle. Follow me and I will tell you.” 

Doing as he said, you trailed behind him to the outdoor patio, seeing candles all over the space, table decorated for the occasion. Land stretching for miles past the house. Sitting with a large sigh, he leaned back in his chair after taking a bite of his food, seeing you still sitting stick straight, cautiously grabbing your fork. 

“It’s a fork, babe, not a diamond.” You felt silly for acting this way, but truly you weren’t sure what you were supposed to be doing right now. He laughed at your stressed expression. “Star, you gotta relax! It’s still me. I’m still, Josh.” Your eyes narrowed in his direction, taking a bite of the food. 

Shrugging, you stifled a moan at the taste exploding on your tongue. “I have a feeling I’m about to meet a very different Josh.” His head cocked to the side, watching you, trying to gauge how you were feeling. “Possibly.” 

Taking another large bite, you eyed him expectantly. “Well, I’m waiting.” He chuckled before continuing with the explanation you were sitting on pins and needles for. “Remember how I told you I spend a lot of time with my brothers?” You nodded, eyebrows knitting together. 

“You guys work together? Like a family business?” You said as you bit into bread. “Kind of.” He replied with a breathless laugh. “We have a band. It’s called Greta Van Fleet.” Trying to understand how that occupation would’ve gotten him this house was still attempting to connect. “You guys are,” placing the words in the correct order was extremely crucial at this point, “successful, then?” 

Chuckling at your question, he nodded, chin resting on his hands. “Yeah, I guess so. Millions of monthly listeners on Spotify, multiple tours, we actually just finished our first world tour, a few albums, another coming out soon, another impending world tour,” you laughed, holding your hands up in defeat. 

“Okay, okay, I get it. So what do you do?” His eyes narrowed, a playful smirk dancing on his lips. “What do you think I do?” Tongue poking your cheek, you set your utensils down and eyed him in thought. “Honestly?” He nodded, taking a bite of his dinner. 

“Well, you have a soundboard guy vibe right off the bat, but I’m guessing that’s not it, right?” He erupted in laughter at your observation, throwing his napkin at you. “You son of a bitch! No, that is not what I do!” Giggles wracked your body as you made your actual guess.

Sighing, you took him in. Knowing his personality better than ever, what kind of aura that surrounded him, the energy he put out into the universe. “Front man. Singer. Showman. Am I right?” His cheeks tinted, pointing at your plate. “Finish your dinner before it gets cold.” 

Deciding to tease him, you sipped from your wine glass. “If I do, do I get a show?” Eyes dancing with mischief and badgerment, his jaw set in playful annoyance. “Don’t make me punish you.” 

Eyes squinting in his direction, you decided instantaneously how you wanted the evening to go. “Maybe I want you to punish me.” Watching as his jaw set, flexing that muscle in his cheek, your skin set aflame. 

Josh had the table swiped clean, plates and glasses crashing to the floor with a loud clatter. “Josh!” You exclaimed, but he had you up right after, face down on the wooden table, dress up, hand connecting harshly with your ass. 

His free hand held your face to the table, fist wrapped in your hair to hold you in place. “You want to be punished like the slut you are? I’ll punish you, mama.” Another smack left your unsuspecting ass aching. 

Thighs clenching together with burning need, his foot came between your own, pushing your legs wide. “No, you want to play this game, I’ll play. But you don’t win. Only I do.” A whimper left your parted lips. 

Underwear yanked down your legs, you hissed as his fingers ran up your slick folds. “God, look at you. What a fucking mess. All for me, right?” Nodding, you struggled briefly against his hold, but to no avail as he didn’t let you move an inch. 

Bringing his fingers to your face, you could smell your own arousal coating them. “Clean ‘em,” his fingers shoved into your waiting mouth where you hungrily accepted them, sucking them clean. 

“Disgusting,” he chuckled, but you knew he loved it. Josh got off on being the dominant one. Never the one to be incredibly domineering in other aspects of life, he craved it in the bedroom. Having utter control over you in this way was erotic in a way he didn’t know he loved so much. Not until you. 

He entered you in one thrust, tip of his cock brushing your cervix instantly. Your body jerked with the motion, causing the table to slightly shuffle on the floor. Standing on your tiptoes, ass facing up the way it was, Josh had never seen a more beautiful sight then this. 

Tonight wasn’t about you in the least. Not with how relentlessly he was fucking into you. When you felt a dribble of spit land in between your ass cheeks, an unexpected gasp flew from you. 

“I bet you’d let me do anything to you, wouldn’t you? You’d let me fuck your ass if I really wanted to, huh?” You nodded, a chorus of ‘yes’ escaping your parted lips.

His thumb landed on the hole, lightly pushing in. When you clenched around him, he faltered momentarily, almost stopping entirely. “You fucking like that? When I finger you?” Nodding, tears escaped your eyes.

Josh didn’t last much longer. The intense heat of your greedy cunt sucked him entirely dry, emptying out into you in a way he didn’t know was possible. It took him a few minutes to come down from that high, never pulling out from you.

You startled, feeling lips land on the center of your spine. “You’re an Angel, you know that?” Your fucked out face gave way to how gone you truly were. Not entirely sure when you had finished, you could feel it in your muscles.

Standing you both up, he turned you around, pulling your head towards him. Connecting in the sweetest greeting he could offer you, his forehead rested on yours. “Go get the shower going, I’ll bring up water and a snack, okay?” 

Eyes fluttering shut, you headed back in the house, Josh watching you in total awe. 

He was falling. Fast. 

But all you could think of was the fact that he was going to be leaving on a world tour soon and you couldn’t do long distance. You just couldn’t.

April

You had never experienced anything like this in your life. Not even remotely close. Flying first class, having a private car greet you at the curb of the airport, delivering you to a five-star resort where a suite was booked for you, VIP pass waiting on the desk with your name on it. You were in awe. 

The hotel room door opened and when you spun around and saw his figure there, you shook your head at him. “Josh, this is insane. I thought I was just coming to watch your show! What is all of this?” Your hands waved around at the enormous living room, but he knew you were talking about the entire experience as well. 

Hands landed on your hips, dragging you towards him with a deep kiss planted on you, he sighed into it, almost in relief. “I want your first time seeing us to be memorable. Unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before!” Your frown deepened at his words. “Just coming and seeing you would have sufficed and been more than memorable. This is a lot, Josh.” He could sense your unease with every word you spoke.

Fingertips landing under your jaw, he tilted your head back to look at him. “I wanted to do this for you, stardust. This is to make your trip even better. Just enjoy it with me, yeah?” His persuading tone, the lovey look in his eyes, you couldn’t fight it. 

“Yeah, yeah okay.” Literally jumping for joy in front of you, you erupted in a fit of laughter at his sheer excitement. Seeing the small carry-on suitcase that sat on the sofa, he released a large breath you didn’t know he had been holding. 

He would never admit it, but your pending arrival had been playing on his nerves. Pressure surmounting in a way he had never felt before. Wanting to impress you in any way he could, he finally understood why his feelings were as intense as they were. You didn’t care about all of this. 

No, you just wanted to see him perform. He knew that he didn’t have to do all of this for you and your reaction to it proved that. Making his heart soar, nerves releasing immediately, unsure why he was so on edge to begin with. 

Jake had told him that Josh had been driving everyone insane. Ensuring that everything was going to be utterly perfect for their show tomorrow night, spending more time than usual to secure that guarantee. 

Slightly dressier than normal, Josh told you that the day before the actual concert, his brothers wanted to go out for dinner to formally meet you. You were entirely freaking out. Not sure how to act around actual celebrities, rockstars, and the like which they all technically were. Telling yourself over and over that if they were related to Josh, they had to be good guys.

The restaurant was packed, but a small corner section of the restaurant was set for a table that had a Reserved sign atop it was exactly where Josh was heading. Being the first ones there meant you got another moment to take a breather, tamping down the nerves that wracked your frame. 

Arriving one by one, the tallest of the bunch greeted you both warmly. Immediately pulling you into an embrace, his bright smile was incredibly welcoming. “Ah, we finally get to meet! I’m Danny, only one not technically blood related, but a brother nonetheless. How was your flight out? Have they taken drink orders yet?” He was continuously speaking as he sat down across from you both, grabbing the menu and perusing the options. 

Falling into easy conversation, the next sibling arrived, Sam you could tell by the interesting fashion choice for the day. He offered a brief greeting to the group before diving into the plan for the show the next day. They fell into a chatter about it as you sat quietly, taking it all in and trying to understand some of the terminology they were throwing around. 

Instantly recognizing the final brother, Jake, you couldn’t fight the grin that took over your face at how similar yet strikingly different the twins were. Jake ignored his spitting image, focusing his attention on you solely, putting the rest of the posse into silence as he spoke. 

“Thank god we can finally meet in person. Maybe this will get him to shut the fuck up sometime.” Stunned at his first words to you, Josh reached over you to get to his brother, lightly smacking him in the face. “Sit the fuck down you imbecile.” Jake went to catch his hand, but Danny put his own up between them. “Jesus, we just got here. Everyone sit down. We have a guest!” 

You could feel your face burn, not knowing what to do. Josh’s reassuring hand landed on top of your knee, offering a light squeeze. The remainder of the night went off without a hitch, quickly discovering that the behavior you witnessed was normal for this group of siblings. A night spent full of laughter and enjoyment at the never ending stories they had of their eldest brother was endearing to bear witness to. 

Tips of his ears burning crimson, cheeks holding a permanent pink hue, embarrassment pummeling him as he could not get them to stop. Once the meal had come to a close, you all left the restaurant, earning a hug from each boy, all offering their kind words of how great it was to meet you and how excited they were for you to see them perform the next night. 

Josh and you walked hand in hand back towards the hotel, the crisp evening air still signaling it was spring, summer still a bit off on the horizon. It was a walk that was quiet, but not in an uncomfortable way. Not in the least. Just enjoying the company of who you were with, not pressured to fill the silence. 

“Everyone loved you, by the way.” Rolling your eyes at the statement, you gave him a knowing look. “That’s what you have to say.” He laughed at your statement, but tugged your hand back, forcing you to stand with him. “I’m serious! You fit in so well. You should’ve seen the first time we met one of Sam’s partners. It was horribly uncomfortable. Honestly, they love you.” 

Feeling a burst of pride, you stuffed it down, continuing to walk as he trailed behind you. “Yeah, they’re not too bad.” His booming laugh echoed off the surrounding buildings. 

You had never seen anything like it. The performance they put on was mind numbingly spectacular. Standing in awe the entire time, you wanted nothing more than to experience this over and over again. The fans were so enthralled with the boys it was unlike anything you had ever experienced. Seeing Josh in an element you didn’t know he could get to. 

When you caught his wandering gaze going towards your section multiple times throughout the performance, you eventually heard others around you shouting about who he could be looking for, that someone had caught his eye obviously. You played it cool, but the butterflies that erupted within you, you couldn’t fight off. 

As the show came to a close, following an encore you didn’t know they opted to do with most of their shows, you were dying to get backstage and see him. When you finally had found your way to where you were supposed to be, sitting in a dressing room waiting for him, you were on the edge of your seat in anticipation.

The door opened and Josh entered the room in only a towel. A bead of water dripped from his pec to his navel, slowly traveling further beneath the plushy material. 

Swallowing thickly, the tension in the room was unlike anything between you two. Buzzing around you both, it was incredibly intense. Slowly standing, you moved towards him, sinking to your knees directly in front of him. 

His eyes never left yours, on stage presence still clinging to him. The high of the nights performance sizzled on his skin. He put up no fight as you pulled the towel from him. Hard length already greeting you. 

Maintaining eye contact, you kissed the leaking tip lightly. He sucked in a shallow breath. Not a single word uttered between you, just accepting him into your waiting mouth. 

Eyes fluttering to the back of his skull the further down you sank, when his tip hit the back of your throat, he moaned. The sound vibrated all the way down to his dick, the sensation making you moan. 

Hollowing out your cheeks, you bobbed up and down his length, slowly and with intention. Both hands at work, one on the areas of him you couldn’t reach, the other cradling his balls. 

When you felt them tightening in your palm, you sucked harder on his tip only, knowing it always drove him over the edge. His cum cascaded down your throat in thick streams of creamy ropes. You didn’t let a drop go to waste, holding him still in your mouth until he decided he was done. 

As he came down, bracing himself on the chair to his right, he snapped back into the reality of himself. Your Josh was back. Pulling you up and into his embrace, he instantly began bombarding you with questions about the show. 

It was hysterical that the man had just finished in your mouth less than forty-five seconds ago and was now enthralled with how the show had gone. 

Only catch was you had to answer as he devoured your pussy like a starved man. You could do that. 

You knew that there was still one more day of your trip before you were bound to return home, Josh following only a couple days later, but he had planned a romantic day out for you two. What had been a splendid day spent in one another's company, had ended in sour ruin. 

After a wonderful dinner, you two sat in the luxurious hotel room, basking in the attention of the other. “I need to make sure I’m all packed. My flight leaves early,” you sighed out, seeing the permanent smile glued to his face. 

The expression on his face had you giggling, pushing hair from his forehead. “What?” He shrugged, doe eyes never leaving you. “Nothing.” You sat up, a smirk gracing your lips, persistent to figure out why he was looking at you that way. “Come on, what?” 

“I’m in love with you.”

Breath catching in your throat at his admission, you felt tears welling in your eyes. Jumping up from the sofa, you went to the adjoining room, attempting to occupy yourself so as to not have to deal with this. “Star!” Josh called out after you, hot on your heels as you tried to run. 

When you went to the massive closet, grabbing your clothes from the hangers and throwing them in the suitcase, you could feel the tremble in your hands. “What’s wrong? What did I do?” Your eyes squeezed shut, hands braced on the edge of the suitcase, trying to steady your breathing. 

“It’s this fucking room. This room is too big! Look at the size of that closet. It’s literally the size of my apartment. This is-is too much. It’s not meant for me,” Josh’s confused look washed over his face, monitoring your hurried movements as you tried to shakily fold a top. “You’re upset about the room?” 

Keeping your back turned to him, you went to the bathroom and grabbed your toiletries from the counter. “Of course I am, Josh. Look at this place. I don’t belong in this!” Your hands waved haphazardly around the space, hearing your panicked tone echo off the tiled walls. 

“Or you’re trying to find any excuse and reason to not say it back to me.” Your chest heaved at his words. Eyes connecting, your hands still trembled, head shaking ‘no’ as your eyes fell downcast to your feet. The plush carpet that looked like no one had ever walked on it before, soft underneath your bare toes. 

His hands grabbed your wrists, the cool touch of his fingers somehow scorched the skin it touched. “We can’t do this, Josh. Nothing has changed,” you sniffled, shuffling your feet nervously. His head shook, getting you to look at him.

“I know, sweet girl. But I do love you.” Your bottom lip trembled, feeling tears start to fall down your cheeks. His thumbs brushed them away, offering a sad smile at your teary demeanor. He sighed, pulling you into a tight embrace. 

Returning it immediately, your arms wrapped securely around his torso, crying into his chest. His cheek pressed into the crown of your head, hands rubbing your back soothingly. “I know, stardust. I know.” 

Pushing his confession of feelings to the side, you both had decided that despite the intense feelings you had, that remaining friends was going to be the best course of action. For now, at least.

With another impending world tour, you weren’t up for trying the long distance relationship, especially with it being so early in the said partnership. In the meantime, friends were what you had settled on, and that’s what you were going to roll with. No matter how much it killed you. 

Josh’s birthday had sprung up just a week and half after your trip. No matter how much you had begged him to let him help you plan the party, he refused. Stating it was a massive surprise for everyone.

He was ecstatic that you were going to be attending and meeting the remainder of the Kiszka gang. You on the other hand were terrified beyond belief of meeting his parents. Of course, since there was nothing romantic happening between you both, there shouldn’t have been as much worry.

You were dead wrong. 

The minute you had stepped into the backyard where an enormous tent covered a good portion of his sprawling land, you had been snatched by the brothers and were paraded around to meet any and everyone you possibly could.

You spent so much time mingling with the party goers, you had only briefly seen Josh and that was when he had peeled you away for two brief seconds to adorn your facepaint for the shindig. Even still, he was only able to mutter a quick hello before you were dragged off by someone else. 

Exhausted didn’t quite cover it. The party had long since dwindled down, most of the guests having left, but you remained sprawled out on a rug, head propped up by scattered pillows, eyes soundly shut as you listened to the springtime creatures coming out for the night. 

A loud sigh startled you from the relaxing state you had just been in, but instantly melted when you realized it was Josh. “There’s the birthday boy. Didn’t think I was gonna get to see you at all today,” your fingers brushed a stray curl from his forehead as he smiled at you.

“Mm.” He responded, eyes shutting as he savored your touch. “Thanks for coming, pretty girl.” You giggled, snuggling closer into his arms. Placing a chaste kiss on his neck, his arms tightened around you. “I’m surprised you haven’t asked for your birthday gift yet.” 

His head craned back to get a better look at you, excitement taking over his features. “We already did presents. You know I don’t expect anything from you,” he smiled at you, sweetly in the way only Josh could. The way that set your stomach alight with butterflies. 

“Close your eyes.” He sighed, but did as he was told. Eyes slipped shut, his fingers laced together on his stomach, a small smile gracing his full lips.

It was silent for a moment, but when you spoke, Josh nearly choked on air. “Happy Birthday, Joshy.” You were laid there, entirely nude, against some of the pillows that had been set up for the party.

Legs spreading to offer an invite, you beckoned him over with a wag of a finger. “Come enjoy your present, birthday boy.” 

May

You did great things for friends all the time. Including spending an entire day with the age group you most despised for charity. Children and you simply did not mix. They were loud, almost always sticky, and to be totally brutally honest, were fairly incompetent.

However, given your best friend is a second grade public school teacher, you would do anything in the world for her. Which is why on the most gorgeous Saturday afternoon you were at the public library, out in the grass field directly in front of the building, reading a picture book to a large group of kindergartners. 

“Boy, was she surprised! She didn’t even get mad at me for interrupting.” As you continued to read the book, your eye caught someone towards the back of the group, smiling at him as he watched you finish the book. 

The group of kids erupted in clapping as did their parents as you closed the book. Thanking everyone for their attention, you stood and made your way over to Josh. “That was fantastic. I always thought Little Critter books were the high point of literature.” Nodding in agreement, you two strolled over to one of the set up tabletops, placing the book back in one of the bins.

“Oh, I agree. Grew up on them and they taught me everything I know.” Josh nudged you with a laugh, head tipping back in the direction you two had just been. “You were good with them.” You groaned, stopping and observing the large crowds in the area, stuffing your hands in your pockets. “I hate kids.” 

Josh choked on his spit before blowing up in laughter. Your giggles mixed with his belly shaking chortles. “Wha-what? I’m serious! I despise kids. I’m only doing this for that lady right there,” your finger pointed at your best friend, but Josh didn’t see her, hunched over trying to catch his breath. 

“God, you’re awful.” Josh spoke as he finally calmed down, wiping at his eyes. Your giggles still held as you smiled at him. “Thank you for coming. Really, you didn’t have to.” Shrugging, he pulled his wallet from his back pocket. “I know the only reason you invited me is because I have a checkbook.” 

Feigning shock, you eyed the leather. “Wow. What an assumption to make. Not like I wanted to spend the day with my friend. It’s a beautiful day out and I thought we would enjoy each other’s company. It hurts me that you think so lowly of me.” He rolled his eyes, scoffing at your words. 

“Okay fine then. If you reached donation caps,” before he could finish the sentence, you grabbed his wallet, heading towards the donation table. “No, no, if you insist!” Josh laughed as he followed after you. 

When your best friend appeared at your side, out of breath and stressed, you turned your attention towards her. “God, kill me now. Seriously, please. Some of my students are here and they won’t leave me alone,” as she was speaking through gritted teeth, waving at the group she was talking about, you snorted.

“Hence why I dropped the teaching program,” she shot daggers at you, before realizing who was standing next to you. “Oh my gosh, Josh, right? It’s so nice to finally meet you. This one does not shut up about you. It was so sweet of you to come today. Gosh, you must be a really good lay,” she said as she smoothed down a section of your hair, offering what you knew was a sincere smile. 

Your eyes blew wide, about to speak again, but were cut off when she got called away by another volunteer. “And that was someone who speaks their mind without a filter!” You chuckled trying to play off the disastrous first meeting. 

Josh laughed in shock, but shook it off. “It was a compliment. Right?” You smiled at him, turning on your heel and changing the subject. “They need us over here!” You called over your shoulder at him, but he wasn’t letting it go.

“It was a compliment, right? Right?” 

June and July

It was coming to an end. The times of Josh being around whenever you wanted or needed him. He knew it was coming to a close soon, which is why he was trying to spend more time with you now than ever before. 

Laying in his backyard, a blanket underneath you, the sun's rays warming your skin, you felt at utter peace. Josh was seated next to you, scribbling things down in his notebook, humming to an imaginary tone. It was early in the day, having spent another night at his home, Josh told you he wanted to spend the morning outside before it became too hot. 

Popping another berry in your mouth, your eyes remained shut, savoring the comfort that was being offered to you right then. Something you weren’t sure when it would happen again. 

They were leaving in a week.

This was how most of the month of June had gone. Mornings and nights spent entangled in one another. Sex outside more often than you could count. Trying to be as close to each other as physically possible meant Josh was more often buried deep within you than not.

Not that you complained. It was euphoric whenever you were together, something you had never shared with another being. Especially one as magnificent as Josh. That’s why you knew parting was going to be even more difficult than it should’ve been. 

July was propelling through time at such a fast pace, you weren’t sure how time was moving so quickly. In the blink of an eye the fourth of July had come and gone, a wonderful barbecue invitation extended to you from the brothers. All of the days were melting into a blur.

Before you knew it, you were eyeing the packed luggage that was stacked by his front door, wondering where the hell the last six weeks had gone. “Okay, this key is my copy, but while you water the plants and check on the house, it’s yours.” He was running through a checklist, handing you his key, but stopped when he didn’t hear a reply.

Chin resting on the back of the couch, his sad eyes held your own. “I don’t understand how you’re leaving already.” You said with a humorless chuckle seeping into the words. His hand reached out and entangled his fingers with yours. “I know.” 

Trying to put on a happier demeanor for him, you blinked rapidly, fighting back the depressed state pushing forward. “But, you will send me pictures and videos from everywhere you go, right?” 

Thumb brushing over the back of your hand, he nodded, a smile finally holding his lips. “Of course.” Your free hand came up, making his eyes lock with yours instead of the conjoined fingers. “I expect a souvenir from every stop.” Rolling his eyes, he laughed, but it died in his throat with a heavy swallow.

“Two from every stop.” Sighing, your hand swept the smooth skin, admiring his features in the lowlight of his living room. “I love you,” he whispered out. What could only be described as a heartbroken smile formed on your trembling lips. 

A sniffle emitting from you as you nodded. “I know,” his watery gaze met yours, expecting a response. One you didn’t want to give despite feeling it yourself. Knowing that if it fell from you, you wouldn’t be able to get through this period of time with him gone. 

“You leave early.” You spoke out, but Josh abruptly stood, hands landing on his hips in anger. “Why won’t you say it back to me?” His pained expression was a solid view of his emotions. Letting your head fall forward, your eyes shut. “Don’t do this, Josh.”

Scoffing at your reply, he began pacing, thinking out loud. “Is it just me that feels this? Am I a loon for saying it to you? Every time I say it to you, I only get that reply back! Do you not love me?” His tone grew more harsh, volume increasing. 

“That’s not it,” he looked bewildered at your frame sitting on his couch. “Then what is it? Because I don’t understand!” You stood from the couch, stepping back and letting your emotions take hold of your logical reasoning. 

“Just because you say you love me doesn’t change anything, Josh! Neither does me saying it back. Because at the end of the day, you are still going to leave and I’m still going to be here!” Your chin wobbled at your words, trying to catch your breath as Josh crossed the room to reach you. 

Pulling you into his embrace, your muffled words fell onto his ears as you sobbed. “I can’t say it and then you leave. I can’t do it,” his hands rubbed your back, feeling regret seep into his bones. “I know, I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. You don’t have to say it back to me. I’m sorry.” 

Josh left early the next morning. 

July-September

Summer is horrible. It’s too hot out to do anything past nine in the morning, bugs crawl out from the deepest pits of hell, and when you’re getting over a heartbreak, you want nothing to do with the outside world.

There was absolutely nothing monumental that happened over the remainder of summer. You concluded your required summer courses early and decided to take a part-time job at a bookstore to fill your time with something meaningful.

While you spent most of your days sulking around, Josh was having the time of his life on another world tour with his brothers. Or so he portrayed. 

He too was miserable without your constant company. It’s why he was texting you nearly every single day with updates on what he was doing, asking what your plans for the day were, and ending as many days as he could with a phone call to you to hear about how your day had been. 

Hearing your depleted tone on the phone was destroying him. Despite agreeing to remain friends, he had never struggled with something as much as he did with this. Trying to ask in nonchalant ways if you were seeing anyone whilst he was away. He made it clear to you more than once that he had no interest in seeing other people, but deep down, you weren’t sure if you bought it.

He was a grown man who had the world at his fingertips. Why would he not take advantage of that? Because it was Josh. When he knew that you were at home, he had no interest in anyone else. That was what you had become for him in such a short span of time.

Home.

October

Halloween was a great holiday. As a child, there was nothing easier than dressing as your favorite character from the previous year, walking your neighborhood, and getting free candy. Seriously, what could beat that? 

You didn’t care how nerdy you seemed, Star Wars was your favorite alternate universe to indulge in. Your best friend was notorious for throwing the best Halloween parties where everyone would dress up and enjoy the night. This year, your Ahsoka costume was literal movie quality. 

Being immensely proud of the work you had put in for this costume, you FaceTimed Josh, excited for him to see you in the full getup. Answering, but the screen being dark, you were ecstatic. “Joshy! Look, look!” Setting the phone on your dresser and stepping back, the closeup of his face was shocked.

“Holy shit! Well, your costume is much better than mine.” You giggled, asking to see his, but he shook his head. “No, the camera won’t do it justice. Just like I’m pretty certain yours looks even better in person.” 

When you went to respond, a knock sounded from your front door. “Hold on a second, Josh.” Walking over to the door and pulling it open, you stood rooted to your spot, jaw agape at who was standing there. 

“See, I told you, looks so much better in person.” A high pitch squeal left your throat, throwing yourself into his embrace. Savoring the feeling of his embrace, even if it was slightly altered due to his Jedi robes. Still in awe, you pulled back, taking the boy in before diving into questions.

“When the hell did you get here? When do you have to go back? Why are you here? Did you do this for me?” He laughed at the slew of queries, but answered them all. “About forty minutes ago. I had to change in the airplane bathroom, which was not easy by the way. I have a flight out of here tomorrow morning at six to be back for our show tomorrow night. Of course I’m here for you. You think I was going to miss this party and the chance to see your Ahsoka costume in person? You’re crazy.” 

Feeling tears well in your eyes, you smiled brightly at him. “This is the best surprise ever. Seriously, Josh, I can’t thank you enough. You didn’t have to do this.” He shrugged, playing it off like this monstrous favor for you was just another day in the books for him. 

“Come on, Ahsoka. We have a party to get to.” 

November

Why are the holiday’s always so incredibly stressful and busy? They’re supposed to be a time of relaxation and enjoyment spent with family. Yet here you were slaving away for a meal that was going to take less than twenty minutes for twenty people to consume. 

You wouldn’t have it any other way though. 

Flying home to spend Thanksgiving with your family had been a whirlwind of a time. Between classes, being bombarded with calls from your mother about an updated guest list for the holiday, and the job you refused to quit, you were stretched thin. 

So thin, that communication with Josh had been incredibly difficult. His schedule was so hectic and yours was almost never the same day by day, if you could ever catch each other to actually talk, it was rare.

Most of the updates you received were from various forms of social media and even then, they were few and far between. 

Standing in your parents kitchen, you poured the chocolate pie filling into the baked crust, trying to scrape the bowl for all its contents when your phone rang out from the counter behind you. Quickly, hitting accept, Josh’s cheery face filled your screen.

“Happy Thanksgiving, stardust!” You smiled, attention on smoothing out the chocolate for it to set properly in the fridge. “Happy Thanksgiving, globe trotter!” As you finished, a timer went off on the stove. “Mom, the turkey!” 

Josh’s amused chuckle rang out as your mom hustled into the kitchen. Her attention settled on the screen and her smile grew tenfold. “Hi Josh! Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie. Are you with your family? How’s your mom?” Your face burned as she chatted away with him like old pals. 

Grabbing the baster, you spread the juices over the bird as they spoke to one another, entirely ignoring you. Setting the pie in the fridge, you took the oven mitt, moving to place the turkey back in the oven. 

“Oh my goodness, you boys are so silly! Your poor mother has her hands full, I’ll tell you that.” You stared at your mom, holding the massive meat and tray in your arms. “Yes, mom and my hands are full as well. The oven door, please!” She jumped realizing the task she was supposed to be doing. 

When you turned back to the counter, your eye caught his, earning a wink from him as he spoke out again. “Well, I can clearly see you’re unbelievably busy, so I will let both of you young ladies go. Happy Thanksgiving!” Your moms cheeks burned at his endearing words, your eyes rolling at his cheesiness. 

“Bye Josh.” You waved as the call ended. “Gosh, he’s such a sweet boy.” 

Smiling to yourself, your mom turned her back, but you couldn’t help but notice your accelerated heartbeat as you thought of him. 

“Yeah, he’s alright.” 

December

Staring at the gift in pure wonderment, you had no idea how he had managed to do this. A first edition Little Critter book signed by Mercer Mayer with a personal inscription to you sat in your hands. 

The package had arrived on your doorstep this afternoon. Christmas Eve had rolled around in the blink of an eye. Josh’s Christmas gift to you had arrived today and he was adamant about you opening it the second you had it in your possession. 

Now, you had no idea what to do. “Do you like it? If not, I can get you something else. I just thought-” cutting him off mid panic thought, you stuttered through your own words. “This is the best gift I’ve ever received in my life, Josh. Ho-how did you do this?” His pink cheeks turned a deeper shade at your praise. 

“I know a guy who knows a guy. It wasn’t a big deal,” you shook your head, staring at the writing. “It’s a huge deal. I can’t thank you enough. Wow,” blinking away the tears, your bright smile glowed at him. “Okay, open yours!” 

Setting his phone up to give you a better view of his present unwrapping, you thought it was utterly adorable at how excited he was to be opening a present. When he pulled the items from the box, his eyes were blown wide, observing the materials with careful hands. 

Letting him take a moment to process, his head finally snapped up to see you waiting with baited breath for his response. “Do you like them?” You asked nervously. His head fell back down to the present, no words emitting from him. “I know you have a lot of art supplies, but I researched these and know they’re supposed to be fairly good. Getting them personalized might have been a bad call,” you trailed off, second guessing your decision.

His own design sat on the engraved leather front of the sketch pad. The pencils all had symbols created by him or that held inspiration for him. Paint brushes made of the best materials, wood carved handles with intricate designs. 

“I don’t, I just, these are,” he was stumbling over his words, blinking in rapid succession. Trying to piece together how long you had spent researching these items, specifically for him. Picking out each piece must have been meticulous work. Tracking down his previous designs that he had created over the years to create this for him. No one had ever put thought like this into a gift for him before.

He was fairly certain no one would ever again. It was ridiculously stupid how in love with you this man was. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

December 31

The countdown was being shouted by everyone in the room apart from you. Standing in the back of the room, you had never felt so alone. Deciding that resolutions needed to be kept smaller in order for you not to feel like a failure. 

In actuality, it had nothing to do with the resolution itself and everything to do with Josh. 

It made zero sense how fast you had fallen for him. How well you two clicked. A connection you didn’t know was possible had been kindled between you two. Seared into the depths of your soul, making an impression you would never be able to carve out. 

You knew how you felt about him and how he felt about you. That’s why standing by yourself on New Year’s Eve was such a punch to the gut. Knowing you had met the love of your life, but not being able to be with him was torture. 

Ten, nine, eight

A shaky exhale of breath escaped your inflated lungs. Burning with an acidity you despised. 

Seven, six, five

Not wanting to watch the countdown any longer, your eyes fell down to the floor.

Four, three

An arm wrapped around your waist, spinning you around into their embrace. 

Two, one, Happy New Year!

Lips you knew like the back of your hand collided into yours. Streamers, confetti, shouting took up the space around you, but it was like being in your own world. Like it was just the two of you. 

“Happy New Year, stardust.” Your glossy eyes held his gaze. “What’re you doing here?” Your voice was weak and strained, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. “Like I would miss your favorite holiday? Come on, you know me better than that!”

Crushing yourself to him, you uttered a small thank you, but he laughed. “I actually just didn’t want to have to kiss Danny again tonight.” A wet laugh bubbled up as you wiped at your eyes. “Ah come on, give him more credit then that.” 

Shrugging, you stared at the man across from you and realized in that instant that you had in fact met someone special almost an exact year ago. Completing a resolution only two days into the New Year had to be a record. “I love you.” Josh nodded, a big Cheshire grin pulling his face taught. 

“Oh, I know. You don’t act out a Star Wars fantasy with just anyone.” You were ready to face a lifetime of these types of statements. As long as they were coming from him, you didn’t care. 

[roamingtigress]

Auld Lang Syne and Other Pleasures

Hosea and Dutch make a New Year's Resolution -- to open up their relationship, with none other than the charismatic Josiah Trelawny. In addition to themes of polyamory/open relationships, also contains a mention of period-era homophobia.

Auld Lang Syne and Other Pleasures

by Roaming Tigress

A New Year predictably sets out the drive to reach personal resolutions within the next 365 days. Many have goals for self-improvement; maybe a vice or weight to shed; others are more issues of the heart and mind. Perhaps some are pushing themselves to ease their temper or learn to communicate better. Others have loftier aims; such as finally getting that trip to the Catskills Mountains or somewhere more exotic; France, Spain, or maybe Italy.

Others are still excited about the possibilities that life itself writes resolutions for, which sets out its own course of actions and end games.

Sometimes, one sets a goal and hands the reins over for life to take hold of the bit, and go for a ride.

Dutch and I decided to pursue the latter—we decided to embark on the journey of opening our relationship.

Now, some of you may be saying; after being together for so long, is boredom setting in? Has Dutch got on your last nerve? Does Dutch want a younger model to play with?

I haven't experienced a day of boredom since I got into a relationship with that man. What is boredom? A moment when your mind wonders what it could do versus knowing what to do?

Dutch exasperates me daily, but no, that's not it.

. . . Dutch can be a bit of a cougar, as can I. However, I can safely confirm his status as a flirt for all age categories. I've seen him flirt with younger ladies to try and make an impression (sometimes I suspect to boost his self-esteem). He often overdoes it, coming off more like some overeager teenager than the smooth talker he thinks he is. I've also seen him flirt with an old general who could have been old enough to have been his father (and said general, though amused, brushed him off with the tried and true 'I'm old enough to be your father').

Does this mean that our status as soulmates is over?

Far from it.

At the end of the day, after flirting with the prettiest ladies, the most handsome of gentlemen, it's me that Dutch wants to dance with. It's me who he wants to hold onto and whisper silly sweet nothings to. He wants me to call him an idiot and ruffle his hair as I wake up in the morning, with him on top of me as if I was just part of the bed.

And it's me that he loves.

No, our decision to open our relationship was based on our trust. It would be another way to add a little more fun to our relationship, to satiate our appetite for excitement and adventure in a way that shouldn't get every lawman and Pinkerton on our trail.

We would open our doors to close friends, and maybe for fun, good acquaintances that we run into at the local saloons. I have seen the type of glances in our direction from the sheep farmers even in Valentine; they know, we know. They are strong, burly men that I'm sure could handle Dutch and I just fine, maybe with a little wrangling.

The idea excites Dutch.

For all his talk and bravado, Dutch is a man who likes to be controlled, and dominated. For me, it adds a dimension to his being; in many ways, that man is not unlike an onion; he is layered, and can be delectable with the right dish. He is a little hairy (though he does much 'manscaping'; I have more hair on my chest than he does), and he is a little smelly -- think of something of a combination of horse, cigar, and cowboy. Delicious!

The first we would open our door to though would be the charismatic, enigmatic Josiah Trelawny.

He is not a big, burly man with the build of a bison, but he is a dashingly handsome fellow. And, less shallow, the three of us have been good friends for some time. He comes and goes when it comes to involvement with the gang, but it's tolerated for the friendship and loyalty he's given us.

Josiah is a man who leads a double life. He has a family; a wife, Donna, who's not lacking in Irish feistiness and good humour, and two children, Cornelius and Tarquin, names you might not be shocked he'd give children. Like us, Josiah and Donna wanted to add a little 'something' to their relationship, a little spice to their delectable flavour.

I have caught the flirting glances between us, which, over time, progressed to hands resting on shoulders a little longer than a casual friendly pat. Eye contact between us all had become longer. Jokes became more insinuating.

It was only natural that the Trelawnys were the starting point for this new journey; the chemistry was perfect.

But the lady and the gentlemen would part for the evening this evening.

Donna had chosen to go to a New Year's ball with fine lady friends in Saint Denis. They had come over from Belfast to visit family for the holidays. Later, she took two of the ladies -- Bridget and Deirdrie -- to host their own New Year's celebration in their cozy city apartment. The Trelawnys lead layered almost doubled lives. Her pastor father boasted Donna had long been a 'good church girl',. Imagine his shock at learning that his 'good church girl' had an eye for the ladies as she did for the gentlemen!

Dutch's excitement was palpable as he heard the carriage come to a stop at the Rhodes Parlour House. It was a common destination, particularly on New Year's Eve, but, Dutch was convinced it was Josiah.

And for once, Dutch was right.

Our hotel room door was knocked enthusiastically, and Dutch opened the door with matching enthusiasm. He ushered Josiah in rather quickly and carefully; Rhodes isn't friendly to people of our orientation. We were armed of course; we set our gun belts on a nearby chair, but he knew those within the parlour room were as well. It's allegedly a place of proper repute, but there's always a chance that those of less than adequate repute will be lurking about, with intentions to crash our little party.

"Ahhhh, the old guards! Welcoming the wayward into the fold, are we?" Trelawny's theatrical mannerisms in his entrance were out on full display; I would have been disappointed if they weren't.

"Never a minute late!" I smirk, pouring some wine into three glasses and setting them on the night table-slash-dresser. Our wine was a vintage 1880 white from Italy, with distinct fruity hints; we like to spoil ourselves. We might have pilfered it from behind the bar of the saloon; Dutch played the part of the drunk flirt with the bartender, and I did the rest.

"And If you weren't so charming, we would have given you the boot for that by now!" I let out a chuckle all the same, taking his coat and hanging it up on the rack. Josiah had also brought a vintage wine with him, an 1870 from Burgandy.

Dutch took the bottle from Josiah and set it by our bottle, but not before taking a cheeky sip from it.

"I'll have to keep working the charisma then, don't I?" Trelawny's Trans-Atlantic was a little lower in tone than his usual, and took the glass I offered him. He sipped it while casting a little flirting eye contact.

Dutch couldn't help himself to a little teasing, and raised his glass to him before having a sip. "Work that magic any harder, and you’ll have us under your spell."

That mustache of his is twisted up into a dimply smile, a spark in his eyes. "Of course, I'm not so sure you haven't done that to us already." He's got a hip popped out as he sips on his glass, his other hand propped on the wall. He's not so subtly flirting; he's bringing attention to that waist of his, which Josiah's eyes (and maybe mine) may have settled on.

The dim lighting gently accentuated our features, highlighting our most handsome. Cheekbones were gently washed in a warm glow, glinting off our eyes. There's something to be said about this new vibrant electric lighting, but I find it lacks the 'character' for setting the mood that the old oil lamps and candles never fail to deliver.

"There's always a few more 'tricks' that I could teach you two." Josiah's voice came out as one long purr as he took a fine cigar that I had offered from our box, a Christmas gift from Dutch.

"Such as . . . ?" I asked with intrigue, as a knowing smile appeared on my annoyingly thin lips.

Josiah leaned a little, his mustache turned into a widening smile. He knows that I know.

"I'm a little overdressed for the first trick."

Someone in the room thought we had a bit too much on.

Dutch had started unbuttoning the top buttons of his shirt, casting us a playful smirk. Knowing him as well as I do, I could surmise that he thought that Josiah had lingered a little too long with me and was growing a little jealous, a little needy. Showing that chest out a little more would get attention on him -- and it did, for us both. When Dutch feels like he isn't getting the amount of attention he feels he deserves, out comes his 'look at me' acts.

"Someone's a little eager," I grin, and come right over, giving a kiss to his cheek and sling an arm around his upper torso, that he predictably leaned into as I pull him in close.

"Never change."

'Never change, you frustrating, adorable idiot, never change.'

I knew at the back of my mind that Dutch's insecurities -- of which that jealousy had come from -- would need to be worked on together as a unit. If I am to occasionally let myself get whisked away by Josiah from time to time, he'll need to be reassured that Trelawny wouldn't turn me into a literal disappearing act.

I smiled though as I pictured Donna stealing him away on those evenings; she would put up with no nonsense from him. They'd go from pub to pub, sampling a little brew here and there, with a few lawmen in pursuit. Alcohol can produce a Dutch that can be nostalgic, but also a little silly and well, when a nostalgic, silly Dutch is let loose, anything could happen. Donna with a few under her, and you could have a riot. They'd eventually lose them, though and maybe spend a bit of time canoodling before they'd return.

Dutch will be fine.

Dutch brushed it off, though he leaned into my arm. "Just getting ready for the magic show to start." He added with a wink, slipping his shoulders out of his black coat -- that beautiful, velvety black coat. There is a bit of wearing it now, but I'll be damned if it wasn't his most attractive outfit.

Trelawny set aside his glass and came over, taking off Dutch's hat. "Hats count as clothing. We need to have as minimal on for our trick to work." When Dutch unexpectedly snagged his arm in his jacket, as if distracted by the task at hand, I helped him pull it off.

"We don't want anything to block the flow of the magic. Haberdashery is so awfully blocking."

Oh, Trelawny.

With a wave of his hat directed at himself, Josiah's jacket had disappeared in a puff of smoke. Dutch and I stood slack-jawed at what we had seen. We knew well of his tricks, but it was something else having them played out before in our own private magic show.

"Is the audience impressed?" He teased, slowly waving the hat in front of him. "Do they want more?"

Dutch was just as quick on the banter trigger. He sat half on the bed, a leg propped up on his chest, sipping the remainder of his wine. "We paid for the ticket, we expect the show!"

Josiah was one step ahead of the man with the slightly less impressive mustache.

"Patience, my dear man, patience!"

With one swift wave of the hat, to our delight, his clothes disappeared into apparent thin air.

Before us stood a tall, handsomely sculpted man -- posed casually against the doorframe with Dutch's trademark black hat twirling on a finger. He was lean but not thin; rather fittingly elegant. Some nice musculature was apparent; the light of the candle flickered them, his form, his waist, and his collarbone. He felt us looking him over as if he was some fine piece of artwork -- and he loved it.

"Now, audience, are we ready for the audience participation aspect of the show?"

I lean back on the bed with Dutch, slowly sipping the remainder of the wine while studying the splendid creature before us. He was ever so theatrical in his request for consent.

"We are . . . "

Josiah took his time shedding us of our clothing, layer by layer, in a slow burn reveal. There was a particularly cheeky twinkle in his eyes, even more than usual; he liked what he was seeing. I look over at Dutch who cast him a coy expression as he leaned back to put his glass on the table, but I know he's loving the attention. He's Dutch, after all. And Dutch craves -- no, needs -- attention, on the level of fish needing water.

I felt at once excited, maybe a little nervous as we sat on that bed, now nude before Trelawny and also feeling . . . A little shy.

I'm used to being in the nude with Dutch of course. And there was always the chance that, given our lifestyle, the gang would catch us bathing in the nude in whatever body of water we were closest to. And that was exciting.

But it felt different now.

There had been a shift in dynamics, of which I was no longer in control.

Josiah did not take control by force intimidation, or even his magic, but by charm, his mannerisms, and his confidence. And we fell for it as those he -- we -- had conned countless rabble.

We can manipulate a person or two but Josiah is a bit of a master of that himself.

It was that shift had left me feeling that shyness, that vulnerability. I was eased out of my comfort zone of being in control.

And as if sensing, Josiah had toned down the theatrics, as if not wanting to intimidate. I was not uncomfortable, but he didn't want to risk it. This was a new dynamic and he wanted to tread carefully. He knew that when Donna would come into the picture she would run the show, and wanted to form a bridge between us three before the queen would ascend her throne.

He gently patted me on the shoulder and then went over to sit on the bed, where he literally started Dutch out of his hand with a square of cheese and crackers we had set aside on a plate on our nightstand. I smiled as I sat on the opposite side of Josiah; I had some competition now, and I think I loved it.

"Careful, he bites!" I lightly 'warn', as he lightly kissed Josiah's fingertips.

"Lies!" Dutch snorted.

Trelawny grinned, tapping Dutch playfully on the nose. "Oh, I think it's It's a risk I could take!" Sure enough, with a second tap, Dutch scrunched up his face in the manner he does when he's annoyed, and gave his finger a nip, seizing his fingertip between his teeth with a playfulness that belied his expression.

Josiah feigned shock, tapping him on the nose again when Dutch snuck in a nibble. "Naughty pussy cat!"

I leaned in with a smirk. "I warned you."

"Oh, I think I could have him good and tamed in no time!" Josiah flashed me another dashing smile and ruffled Dutch's hair gently before he pulled us both in close in a warm snuggle. Getting naked can have its disadvantages, namely getting cold, but the body warmth between us all was wonderful.

Dutch's position within our dynamic had also shifted; he became submissive to us both, a position that I was certain was part of his grand scheme for paradise. And now, with extra attention, he'll be even more insufferable.

Thanks, Josiah.

I then offered Trelawny a slice of cheese and cracker, subtly surrendering my standing, which he ate with one little nibble at a time. He mirrored the gentle kiss on his fingertips that Dutch gave him (pre-mauling).

We lean in and kiss Trelawny on each side of his neck; they're the soft, familiar kisses one would give a spouse while getting breakfast ready. He almost purrs as he leans in towards us in alternating directions, encouraging us. "My gentlemen . . . " He slowly drew out his words as he took one of my hands, squeezed it, and softly traced the side of his thumb over on top of it.

"We'll take this journey slow, old friends."

He slipped an arm around behind Dutch and gave a hint of a love handle a gentle squeeze. Dutch let out the manliest little squeak, but I know he loves it.

Josiah's voice was teasing, affectionate.

"That includes you too!" He gave Duch ribs an affectionate little poke to emphasize, smirking when Dutch squeaked again and buried his flushed face into his shoulder.

I leaned my head on Josiah's toned shoulder, watching the exchange with amusement. Now I can safely guess that Dutch wasn't feeling particularly shy per se, unlike Yours Truly, though he was a little more quiet than his usual -- something few would complain about. I suspect was taking it all in, and he looked like a puppy cuddled up to him.

Puppylike. Dutch was being puppylike. Soaking up as much attention and affection as he could get and was eager to take in more.

I rarely see this playful side to Dutch with anyone other than myself; it made my heart swell to two sizes.

"I know you'll try to be a rebel but we'll keep you on the straight and narrow." Trelawny paused as he realized, giving Dutch's belly a gentle stroke; such a sweet gesture only encouraged him and he was soon nearly sprawled out onto his lap, quietly begging.

"Well, narrow."

Josiah happily obliged Dutch's silent request; Dutch just had put on his irresistible puppy dog act. He gave my hand one more squeeze before he pulled me up closer so that I was snuggled up against Dutch with Trelawny as our base; effectively our big spoon. Josiah leaned his head against mine, chuckling lowly, the sound rumbled through his chest and reverberated against us. It was a strangely comforting sensation, maybe because it reminded me of a heartbeat, a reminder that are living, breathing beings with rich potential ahead.

'The very idea of keeping Dutch on the straight and narrow!'

Still, I smile and take hold of Josiah's hand again, linking my fingers in between his. "Ten minutes the new year, gentlemen. Ten minutes until . . . " My voice took on a slight waver.

"This is official."

It seemed only natural to start this journey on a clean slate -- and it was already off to a promising start.

I will come out of my shyness and I know it'll only be a matter of time until Dutch won't shut up, but for the time being, I will revel in the quiet, the warmth of being situated among two warm bodies. There is something warmly intimate about such skin-to-skin content. At once it was deeply romantic, indescribably comforting even when I felt I didn't need to be comforted.

It felt . . . Right.

We will be all right.

A gamma-phone some distance away in the parlour house played a lively tune, as some gentlemen and ladies sang 'Auld Lang Syne.' Dutch though, was oblivious. He was drifting off to sleep, indicated by his head flopping against mine. He rarely stays up to see the new year roll in, and I'm never far off. There was a time when we'd be among those revellers staying up at all hours, but as the years ticked on by, perhaps the Sand Man coming for us early was a merciful attempt to slow the march of time, if even by a few hours. Though this year, we nearly made it; missing by perhaps a few minutes.

Josiah wrapped his arms around as much of us as he could gather, the lean build of them belied their, strength. He leaned down, softly kissing us on the tops of our heads, so as to not stir us awake.

He would forego sharing and drinking that vintage he had brought over, but what's a drink when your arms are filled with those you cherish?

"Happy New Year, gentlemen."

[anotherhumaninthisworld]

Apologies if I’ve asked something similar to this before , but what do primary sources tell us on Danton’s actual role in the indulgent campaign, and specifically Vieux Cordelier? Because we hear a lot about Danton persuading Camille to make this move, but frankly, I think the direct attack on Robespierre and refusal to back down fits more with Camille’s reckless impulsivity than Danton’s more comprising and savvy (and arguably self-interested) political style. Is the idea he was behind it actually supported by evidence outside the notorious trial notes , or was that something invented (or falsely believed) by Robespierre in an attempt to portray his friend as “misled” rather than counter-revolutionary, and Danton as power hungry ?

I still have your ask from like half a year ago and am working on it, there’s just so much interesting stuff to look over (and I would be lying if I didn’t say I’ve taken massive breaks now and then :\ ). But so far, I have yet to find any hard evidence of Danton’s involvement in the Vieux Cordelier.

We have several contemporaries designating Danton as some kind of leader of a moderate faction. His friend Dominique-Joseph Garat did for example in his Memoirs of the revolution; or, an apology for my conduct, in the public employments which I have held (1795) claim that Danton had been deeply moved by the fate of the 22 girondins, to the extent it motivated him to quit politics for a month and retire to Arcis-sur-Aube. When Danton returned to Paris in November 1793, Garat argues it was with a ”conspiracy” in mind, a conspiracy which had as it goal to ”restore for the benefit of all the reign of justice and of the laws, and to extend clemency to his enemies,” and to which Desmoulins belonged:

At Arcis-sur-Aube, the aspects of nature, while it calmed the anxieties of his breath, inspired him with generous and magnanimous resolutions. In the silence of the country and of retreat, he conceived the design of a new and benevolent conspiracy. All his friends entered into it. […] The measures by which Danton proposed to ally his conspiracy into execution, were, to prepare the minds of men for such a change, by means of such papers as those of Camille Desmoulins.

In Histoire générale et impartiale des erreurs, des fautes et des crimes commis pendant la Révolution Française (1797), Desmoulins’ fellow journalist Louis Marie Prudhomme also wrote the following:

Piqued by this despotic pride, which openly reduced them to the role of subordinates, Danton, Lacroix, Camille-Desmoulins, Fabre-d'Églantine, put themselves at the head of a secret party against the emerging authority of the Committee which was their work. It was to overthrow it in public opinion that they undermined its fundamental basis, terror. Camille was charged with this moral attack, and his numbers of Le Vieux Cordelier seemed for a moment to ensure the triumph of the system of clemency.

Finally, Danton’s friend Edme-Bonaventure Courtois wrote in Notes et souvenirs de Courtois de l’Aube, député à la Convention nationale (cited in La Révolution française: revue d’histoire moderne et contemporaine (1887), that ”it was in these painful moments that [Desmoulins] put to paper (in his Vieux Cordelier) the reflections that his indignation could no longer contain, and whose acrimony Danton, through his advice, softened in many places.”

But the very first contemporary to make Danton into the leader of an ”indulgent faction” who had proofread the Vieux Cordelier would indeed appear to be Robespierre, who in his notes against the dantonists (dated to around March 1794) has written the following:

Desmoulins; even the title of this pamphlet (the Vieux Cordelier) was destined to conciliate public opinion with the leaders of this coterie who hid their projects under the name of Vieux Cordeliers, of veterans of the Revolution. Danton, in capacity of president of this Vieux Cordelier, corrected the prints of his numbers; he made changes there, by his own admission. One recognizes his influence and his hand in the writings of Philippeaux, and even in the ones of Bourdon.

This was passed on in the report based on the notes written by Saint-Just:

…What shall I say about the confession made by Danton, that he had edited the latest writings of Desmoulins and Philippeaux?

Like you say, it is however hard to say if these charges are to be treated seriously or just as a cheap way to make Danton into the ”spider in the web” (the truth evidently not being that important when it came to French revolutionaries cutting each other’s heads off). I would say Robespierre’s claim is somewhat undermined by the fact he accuses Danton of editing not just Desmoulins’ writings, but those of Philippeaux and Bourdon as well, because while he in the first case did have an opportunity to know more about the work, having himself been involved in its publication by proofreading one or two numbers (this is for example the way the movie La Terreur et la Vertu has him find out it’s Danton who has asked Camille to pick up his pen again), we don’t have anything suggesting that was the case for the latter two. If Robespierre had hard evidence of Danton’s influence over these three writings, it also seems a bit strange he doesn’t elaborate on it a bit more… Furthermore, since Saint-Just’s report was read aloud at the Convention and published in different journals we also can’t entirely rule out the possibility the people who attested to Danton as leader of a faction after the fact to some extent built their testimonies on said report, which of course would make them much weaker.

Of course, all of the things above are still just claims made by contemporaries. Looking over the things Danton and Camille are themselves confirmed to have said and done during Vieux Cordelier’s publication, it’s more foggy. For the former, we more or less only have interventions made by him at the Jacobins and Convention to go on, considering the lack of private papers left behind by him. I have not gone through all of these yet, but some sort of big revelation of Danton’s role in the ”indulgent campaign” is not something I’ve found so far. That there doesn’t exist any place where Danton openly states ”it was I who told Camille to start writing the Vieux Cordelier and I’m the puppet master behind it” is of course not exactly strange, but not very helpful for our question either… I also can’t find the question of who was really responsible for the Vieux Cordelier’s publication posed to Danton or any of the other ”indulgents” anywhere during their trial, so neither that’s of much use. More damning evidence, such as a draft of a number of the journal with Danton’s handwriting/notes on it, I have not heard anything about.

As for Camille, nowhere in the notes he wrote on Saint-Just’s report does he confirm, reject or even bring up the accusation there printed that Danton was the one truly in charge of the Vieux Cordelier, something which I suppose could be read as implying the charge was true, or that he simply ignored it. Similarily, the fact that Robespierre on December 14 is recorded to have said ”[Camille’s] energetic and easy pen can still serve [the revolution] usefully, but, more circumspect in the choice of his friends, he must break all pacts with impiety, that is to say, with the aristocracy,” and that Camille in his very last letter to his wife claims that ”I die as a victim of these jokes [in the Vieux Cordelier] and my friendship to Danton. I’m glad my assassins let me die with him and Philippeaux.” could be interpreted as evidence Danton had a considerate influence over Camille’s actions, but are still too vague to really say anything more concreate. It can be observed that in the first number of Vieux Cordelier, released December 5 1793, Desmoulins designates the session at the Jacobins just two days earlier, during which Robespierre defended Danton after he had been accused of ”moderatism” by Coupé d’Oise, as the event that caused him to return to the journalistic pen: 

Victory is with us because, amid the ruins of so many colossal civic reputations, Robespierre’s in unassailed; because he lent a hand to his competitor in patriotism, our perpetual President of the “Old Cordeliers” […] I learned some things yesterday. I saw how many enemies we have. Their multitude tears me from the Hotel des Invalides and returns me to combat. I must write.

This at least clearly and quickly cements that the journal is sympathetic towards Danton. At the same time, it also implies the founding of the journal was spontanous and not part of some great scheme (though again, if it was part of a scheme, Camille would of course not say that outloud, so…)

When it comes to what historians/biographers have written, Danton (1914) by Louis Madelin claims that ”Danton saw in [Hébert] the man to be killed before everyone else. Against this wretch, he would throw Camille: “Take your pen,” he told him as soon as he returned [from Arcis-sur-Aube] “and ask for mercy!” Desmoulins, to obey him, founded the Vieux Cordelier and took Hébert by the throat.” while Jules Claretie in Camille Desmoulins and his wife; passages from the history of the Dantonists founded upon new and hitherto unpublished documents (1876) argues Camille wrote under the dictation of both Robespierre and Danton. None of them do however cite a real source for this… In the more recent Danton (1978), Norman Hampson writes that ”the question of how far Danton approved of this [”indulgent”] campaign, or even directed it from behind the scenes, merits careful examination,” and that, at least by late December 1793, ”If indulgence was the programme of a dantonist faction, Robespierre looked a better dantonist than [Danton] was,” while Hervé Leuwers in the even more recent Camille et Lucile Desmoulins: un rêve de république (2018) firmly declares that ”[Camille’s] journal is personal, he is writing on the command of neither Danton nor Robespierre, much less under their dictation, as is too often affirmed.”

I definitely don’t think Robespierre would be incapable of wanting to portray someone as just ”misled” rather than ”counter-revolutionary” if said someone was his personal friend (though why that even matters if you’re just gonna kill them anyway can be a question for another day). After all, this same phenomenon of wanting to downplay the actions (alternatively claim they are the effect of ”bad influence”) of someone liked or admired can be observed both in the attitude of Brissot towards Robespierre, Charlotte Robespierre towards her brother and the Desmoulins couple towards Robespierre, so why not the opposite way around?

Finally, out of curiosity, what ”direct attack” on Robespierre is it you’re referring to? Because Camille never attacked Robespierre personally in the Vieux Cordelier as far as I’m aware, there only exists one place in the draft of the seventh and final number where he reproaches Robespierre for going against his former anti-war campaign, that would appear to ultimately have been cut and nevertheless was never released since both Camille and his printer were arrested before it could happen. Are you talking about Camille’s legendary ”to burn is not to answer” rebuttal?

[cosmiccannibalcamille]

Neptune in the Anaretic Degree (29th Degree) -- What YOU Need to Know

     On May 3, 2024, Neptune shifted into the anaretic degree of Pisces, marking a major milestone for the outer planet and us. In astrology, the anaretic degree refers to the 29th degree of any sign. This degree holds a unique significance, often regarded as a critical point of transition and culmination within a zodiacal sign. Understanding the anaretic degree requires delving into the broader context of astrological symbolism and the cyclical nature of the zodiac.

     This degree—the 29th degree—has always been a degree of interest to me, as I have one of my personal planets in the degree. It is one of the “fame degrees” but I’ve always attributed a lot of my troubles, lessons, and struggles to this degree. I’ve also realized over the years just how critical this degree is in the good parts of my personality: my drive, urgency, and tenacity to DO SOMETHING. With that in mind, I’d like to dive deeper into the 29th degree in astrology, paying special attention to how it manifests in this ongoing transit of Neptune in Pisces.  

Anaretic Degree Meaning in Astrology

     At its core, the zodiac consists of 12 signs, each representing different archetypal energies and qualities. As the Sun traverses through each sign over the course of a year, it reaches its culmination point at the 29th degree before transitioning into the subsequent sign. This transition embodies a sense of completion, marking the end of one cycle and the beginning of another.

     The term "anaretic" is derived from the Greek word "anareta," meaning "destroyer" or "bringer of necessity." In traditional astrology, the anaretic degree was often associated with challenging circumstances, indicating a sense of urgency or crisis that demanded resolution. However, modern astrologers interpret this degree more broadly, recognizing its potential for pivotal moments of growth and transformation.

     When a planet occupies the anaretic degree in a birth chart or during a transit, it can amplify the sense of urgency and intensity associated with that planet’s energy. For example, if Mars is at the anaretic degree in a natal chart, it may signify a strong drive to initiate change or take decisive action in the areas of life represented by its sign and house placement.

     Similarly, when considering transits or progressions involving the anaretic degree, you want to pay close attention to any planets or points that make significant aspects to that degree. These configurations can indicate key turning points or moments of reckoning, where important decisions need to be made or significant events unfold.

     For instance, if a New Moon occurs at the anaretic degree of a sign, it may signal a powerful opportunity for new beginnings or the culmination of a long-term project or goal. Conversely, if a planet stations retrograde or direct at the anaretic degree, it could suggest a period of intense reflection or a profound shift in direction.

Neptune in the Anaretic (29th) Degree

    Neptune is one of the outer planets in astrology and holds profound significance in shaping our collective and individual experiences. Often referred to as the planet of dreams, illusions, and spirituality, Neptune represents the realm of the subconscious, imagination, and transcendence. It influences our perceptions, ideals, and capacity for empathy, blurring the boundaries between reality and illusion.

     Pisces, as the twelfth and final sign of the zodiac, is associated with themes of spirituality, compassion, and transcendence. Symbolized by the Fish, Pisces embodies the collective unconscious and the journey towards spiritual enlightenment and unity with the divine.

     When Neptune is in Pisces, its influence is heightened, as the planet is in its natural ruling sign. This placement accentuates the mystical and ethereal qualities associated with Neptune, amplifying its influence on both a personal and collective level. Neptune in Pisces fosters a heightened sense of spirituality, creativity, and sensitivity, inspiring us to explore deeper realms of consciousness (as well as our collective obsession with idealized beauty standards) and connect with the divine.

Work with Anaretic Neptune with my popular 2024 Birth Chart Reading. Learn how to work with the themes of 2024—along with Neptune in the 29th degree—to enhance your communication, build better relationships, and foster transformative personal growth.

Explore the lessons, opportunities, and karma of YOUR 29 degree placements with a Critical Degree Birth Chart Reading. This reading will illuminate the areas of your chart where urgent transformation is needed and help YOU harness the power of these critical degrees to navigate life's challenges with clarity and confidence.

     The 29th degree of Pisces holds particular significance, as it represents the culmination of Neptune's journey through the sign. At this critical degree, the energy of Neptune is intensified, marking a transitional phase between the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. With Neptune sitting in the anaretic degree of Pisces, we may experience a heightened sense of spiritual awakening, creative inspiration, or emotional sensitivity.

Learn MORE about the Anaretic Degree of Pisces, including YOUR horoscope at CosmicCannibal.substack.com

[mariacallous]

Wars usually divide people, but Ukraine received overwhelming international sympathy after the full-scale Russian invasion. This was based on several factors. The unprovoked aggression made a moral stance obvious. Historically, too, Ukraine has never invaded or occupied any country. The many layers of the conflict garnered support on multiple fronts: sovereignty and independence; rule of law and human rights; nuclear and environmental threats; democracy against autocracy; and, in the end, the fact that it’s about an underdog stopping a superpower.

Ukraine’s foreign policy has traditionally focused narrowly on European and trans-Atlantic integration. But now that the country’s future depends on financial and military aid, Ukraine has—for the first time in its history—had to proactively engage with the rest of the world.

In June, more than 90 countries attended two days of talks in Switzerland at the behest of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky—the so-called High-level Summit for Peace for Ukraine. It was the latest in a series of global meetings organized by Kyiv to rally support. There have been presidential and parliamentary delegation visits (including to Saudi Arabia and Argentina) and invitations for foreign leaders to come to Kyiv (such as the Indonesian president and a delegation of African leaders).

At those meetings, Kyiv has raised a range of issues: sanctions against Russia; providing ammunition (including both new technologies and requests from the states that used to receive aid from the Soviet Union and then Russia); votes in the United Nations; the “Grain from Ukraine” initiative, designed to support shipments to countries in need from Ukrainian agricultural producers; and support on calls for Russia to be held accountable for war crimes.

For more than a year, my organization, the Public Interest Journalism Lab, has been inviting senior editors, intellectuals, and famous media personalities from more than 20 countries across Asia, Africa, and Latin America to come to Ukraine. They have visited villages and grain terminals and talked to soldiers and war crime survivors, as well as Zelensky. Through this work, I have gained an insight into how thought leaders from many countries are thinking about this war; that feedback has, in turn, helped inform our evolving national strategy for winning hearts and minds around the world. After the initial full-scale invasion in February 2022, a majority of states supported the U.N. resolution calling for Russia to leave Ukrainian territory, with 141 votes in favor, 7 votes against, and 31 abstentions. We need to keep that broad base of support. Kyiv simply can’t afford for the war to become a globally divisive issue—even as Russia works to make it so.

Starting with the 2014 occupation of Crimea, the Kremlin has invested billions into anti-Ukrainian propaganda aimed at confusing Western audiences. Since its 2022 invasion, Moscow has refocused its tactics onto a divide-and-conquer strategy. With this in mind, Russian state media closed a few offices in the EU and the United States and opened more bureaus and outlets in the global south, including in South Africa, Kenya, and Brazil. To audiences in these countries, Russia portrays its war against Ukraine as a fight with the West, thereby challenging the idea that universal values and rules of law matter.

In combating this propaganda, Ukraine understands that there is no one message or one approach that will work across the world. In 2022, Zelenskyy introduced his “peace formula”—a 10-point plan intended to encourage countries to support the Ukrainian initiatives that they found most applicable to them, including nuclear safety, food security, and the return of prisoners and deported persons. This was intended to pave the way for those who wanted to stay away from direct military support or humanitarian initiatives by providing less contentious options.

At the Switzerland summit this June, the agenda focused on the least controversial initiatives— namely, nuclear energy and nuclear installations, global food security, the release of prisoners of war, and the return of the Ukrainian children deported to Russia—and each was in line with international law, including the U.N. Charter. Though China did not send a representative, and a few countries (such as Brazil, Mexico, and Indonesia) did not sign the final communique, the majority of the 90 countries in attendance did. The next meeting may be hosted by Saudi Arabia later this year.

Outreach has become especially urgent given the state of Ukrainian stockpiles. The EU does not have enough capacity to manufacture weapons for itself, and recent debates in the U.S. Congress have shown that Ukraine cannot be that dependent on American supplies. (And that supplies are not, in any case, enough for all the U.S. allies around the world.)

So far, Ukraine has mainly relied on its post-Soviet types of weapons, obtained from the countries that used to receive or buy them from the Soviet Union, Russia, or Ukraine itself. Appropriate ammunition is available in Argentina, Thailand, Brazil, and some African states. Since the BRICS countries (Brazil, Russia, India, China, South Africa, and a few recently added members) won’t provide any weapons to Ukraine, the primary aim is to ensure that they do not help Russia either, as North Korea does. And recently, Ukraine reached out to South Korea and Japan for more advanced ammunition.

After North Korean leader Kim Jong Un visited Russia in September 2023, Seoul has been looking not just at what Pyongyang gives to Moscow, but also what it may receive back. The Ukrainian prosecutor’s office has said the rocket that hit the civilian city of Kharkiv—the second-largest Ukrainian city, located 30 kilometers (19 miles) away from the Russian border— on Jan. 2 was of North Korean origin. And the use of at least 21 more North Korean-made ballistic missiles, including three in the city of Kyiv and in the Kyiv region, has now been identified by that office.

Now that Ukraine is focusing on developing its own weapons capabilities, the hope is that the advanced South Korean defense sector may assist with knowledge and technology, even if it does not supply armaments.

Against this backdrop is the potential precedent that Russia’s war in Ukraine sets for China regarding Taiwan. Ukraine is aware that China is probably one of the countries that benefits from the stalemate between Russia and Ukraine: It has opened up access to cheap Russian gas, led to the annihilation of Russian and Western arsenals, and distracted Washington from Pacific power struggles. There may be people in Washington who dislike the idea of Ukraine giving Beijing any greater role in international diplomacy, but Ukraine cannot afford to ignore it—Beijing supplying weapons to Russia is a realistic nightmare for Kyiv.

In answering a question from a Chinese writer at an interview that I had the chance to facilitate, Zelensky noted that Chinese President Xi Jinping is one of the few global leaders to whom Russian President Vladimir Putin will listen to in discussions around avoiding nuclear escalation.

In Africa, Ukraine has opened seven new embassies since 2023, adding to the 10 already operating on the continent. Meanwhile, the Russian diplomatic service inherited a Soviet diplomatic infrastructure that included hundreds of embassies. Though Ukraine did maintain strong trade relations with North Africa following its independence, mainly due to geographic proximity to the Mediterranean Sea, the post-Soviet republics that regained independence amid catastrophic economic crises couldn’t dream of having comparable reach or even a presence anywhere from Tokyo to Delhi, or Nairobi to Kampala.

But though Ukraine will never be able to compete with Russia diplomatically, there is one way in which Ukraine has reached much of the world: food.

Until Russia blockaded Ukrainian ports in February 2022, thereby disrupting a major route for moving agricultural products, Ukrainians themselves didn’t fully comprehend how dependent so much of the world was on their exports. The World Economic Forum estimates that before 2022, Ukraine provided 10 percent of the world’s grains. The country also grows 15 percent of the world’s corn and 13 percent of its barley, alongside sunflower and other staple crops. In 2020, Ukraine was, for instance, the top supplier of wheat and rye to Indonesia; these are the base ingredients for instant noodles, a staple snack for the world’s fourth most populous country.

In July 2022, the United Nations and Turkey brokered the Black Sea Grain Initiative, which eased the Russian blockade. The agreement allowed for a limited number of cargo ships to leave Odesa along a tightly controlled maritime corridor, subject to Russian inspections. Still, the agreement managed to let out more than 1,000 vessels to send at least 32.8 million metric tons of agriculture products.

It was at this point that Ukrainian leadership understood that there was something Ukraine could not just ask for, but offer. Ukraine also partially succeeded in explaining that food prices had climbed not because of the war in Ukraine, but because of the Russian blockade of the Ukrainian ports, and that—despite fighting for its life—the country was doing its best to continue to feed the world.

The Black Sea agreement was unilaterally broken by Moscow in the summer of 2023. Since then, Russian artillery has been constantly targeting Ukrainian agriculture infrastructure and ports. The Ukrainian message to agricultural consumers is that the liberation of the Black Sea and the Ukrainian south is the only way to return to cheaper commodities.

Appealing to concepts of universal justice and human rights is another important avenue for Ukraine to pursue internationally. As Olena Zelenska, the first lady of Ukraine, said at an event that I organized in response to a question from a Nigerian editor, “when we understand that the international system doesn’t work, we must talk not just about ourselves, but about all the other war crimes, humanitarian crises, and tragedies of people around the world.”

The Prosecutor General’s Office of Ukraine has registered more than 130,000 alleged war crimes committed by Russia. To prosecute senior Russian leaders, the country seeks global support to create an ad hoc Special International Tribunal for the Crime of Aggression, which Ukrainian attorneys call “the mother of all crimes.” War crimes, crimes against humanity, and genocide are currently being investigated by Ukrainian law enforcement, as well as by the International Criminal Court (ICC). National prosecutors, overwhelmed by the scale of atrocities, are willing to pass even the most notorious and memorable cases to be investigated abroad under the principle of universal jurisdiction.

National prosecutors, overwhelmed by the scale of atrocities, are willing to pass even the most notorious and memorable cases to be investigated abroad under the principle of universal jurisdiction.

One example comes from an initiative that I am involved with devoted to war crime documentation, the Reckoning Project. A team from this organization, which includes Ukrainian and international members—including journalists and lawyers of Syrian origin—submitted a criminal complaint to the Argentinian Federal Judiciary in April to investigate torture against a Ukrainian citizen committed during the Russian occupation of Ukraine. (The Argentinian Constitution allows its courts, based on universal jurisdiction, to try international crimes, including crimes against humanity and war crimes, irrespective of where they took place.)

Pragmatists warn that striving to promote human rights issues globally in such ways is naive. But my experience is that it feels the opposite when you talk to those who were oppressed in Iran, Nicaragua, or Syria. Talking to the survivors of war crimes left a powerful impression on correspondents from Asia, Latin America, and Africa who came to Ukraine with various interests and priorities. These conversations were particularly powerful because the journalists were able to relate by sharing stories about their own societies with the Ukrainian survivors.

A Nicaraguan reporter compared the suffering of a schoolteacher from the Kherson region who was held in Russian captivity to the torture that prisoners are subjected to in his native country. A Uruguayan editor wanted to learn how the proper documentation of human rights abuses could enable the delivery of justice in the case of still-ongoing trials of the Uruguayan junta for crimes committed in the 1970s.

With a human rights nongovernmental organization from South Korea, we discussed the possibility of working together on how to broaden the definition of sexual and gender-related violence in international laws, comparing offenses in Ukraine and North Korea. In Abuja, after a screening of a clip from a Reckoning Project film about the deportation of Ukrainian children to Russia, a Nigerian activist asked me to support her campaign to recover the girls stolen by Boko Haram who still remain in captivity.

During an interview with Asian journalists, Ukrainian Prosecutor General Andrii Kostin himself raised the repeated accusation that Ukraine receives disproportionally more global attention than other global tragedies. “My way to respond is to say that we have the political ability to use any existing global platform which the government can access to investigate, and we are ready to share it,” he said.

Where else, if not here, can justice be served? Given the scale of the properly documented evidence accumulated by local and international media, the presence of investigators, and a relatively functional national law enforcement, what would be the meaning of those conventions if they cannot succeed in prosecutions in this case?

The warrant issued to Putin by the ICC for the deportation of the Ukrainian children in March 2023 was, if not an immediate game-changer, still likely the fastest-ever decision in ICC history. Ukraine wants to prove that even if the international treaties are impotent in preventing atrocities, there should be a more robust global response to prosecute perpetrators, so they do not enjoy full immunity—like the Russian army’s, which enabled it to master its gruesome practices in Chechnya, Georgia, and then in Syria before entering Bucha and Mariupol.

Still, the importance of the so-called rules-based order should not be confused with a framing of the war as a fight between democracy and dictatorship, which risks alienating much of the world.

Tensions must be navigated carefully. For Ukrainian officials, meeting their Taiwanese or Hong Kong counterparts would be impossible—they cannot afford to alienate Beijing. In such cases, Ukrainian civil society, and sometimes the opposition, takes the lead. In the summer of 2024, the major Ukrainian Human Rights Documentary Film Festival partnered with the Taiwan International Documentary Festival. Likewise, Ukrainian human rights defenders stay away from the officials in semi-authoritarian countries, leaving those relations to authorities.

In January 2023, Cambodia—which experienced the Khmer Rouge genocide and is one of the world’s most mined countries—offered to train professionals in Ukraine in humanitarian demining. Ukraine also maintains strong trade relations with Algeria.

Some of these interactions may look symbolic, but they challenge Russian attempts to claim that all not-fully-democratic countries back Moscow by default.

Ukrainians know how offensive it feels to be denied their agency in a situation in which the whole population stood up to invasion by its neighbor and former imperial ruler. But by now, Kyiv is learning not to push nations to choose a side, and not to treat votes in the U.N. as the only criteria for engagement. Members of the Non-Aligned Movement cherish that tradition, which has no connection to their take on a far-away war. It took time for Ukrainians to understand that some continents have not just anti-American, but also anti-European sentiments because of the horrors of colonial history.

After the Israel-Hamas war broke out in Gaza, a group of experts that worked on reaching out to the so-called global south—a term everybody dislikes but has not yet been replaced with a better alternative—gathered in Kyiv to discuss how Ukraine could navigate this newly polarized environment. Support for Israel outside of the United States and Western Europe may be seen as an attempt to please Washington, but Ukraine has its own historic relations with Israel. The Holocaust was partly committed on Ukrainian soil; many Israelis are immigrants from the territory of Ukraine. Hamas is supported by Iran, which also openly backs Moscow. At the same time, there will be other Ukrainians whose sympathy goes to the Palestinian people, whose land—like Ukraine—is occupied.

The ensuing discussion made it more obvious that invoking parallels to every tragedy may be inappropriate and counterproductive for Ukraine. Nonetheless, Ukrainians intuitively feel that their fate is bound to the rest of the globe and a common struggle for a better world. Global solidarity isn’t something that can be demanded; it must instead be inspired.

In the end, Ukraine does not expect foreigners to fight—it is Ukrainians who are paying the highest prices, with their own lives.

[lasenbyphoenix]

New Year Resolutions

I'd made 3 particular resolutions for 2024 which I'm going to carry over for 2025 with another ongoing goal.

be a little brave - I had 2 things in mind when I chose this, I'd bought a ticket to a drag show (first time going to one) at an unfamiliar bar in a different city on my solo holiday, and I'd looked up a beginners kung fu class to try, but overall it was to find opportunities to nudge myself out of my hermitted comfort zone. I went to the drag show but never managed to book the class. I did take another solo holiday and have a couple more planned for 2025 incuding to a city I haven't been to since I was a kid.

wear everything in my wardrobe - I wanted to force myself to finish all of the clothing alterations I have planned and actually wear the things I've bought instead of putting them aside until I'd lost weight (because I'm allowed to enjoy these things NOW dammit). I started a bunch of alteration prep, but when my dad died the 2nd half of the year was eclipsed by family stuff and I had very little downtime to spare on projects. I've dusted off the sewing machine in the last couple of weeks so this is going to be 2025s goal to finish.

talk more in the tags - I love reading other people's tags and having a glimpse of their lives and interests and sense of humour, so I wanted to do the same in an attempt to be social, as well as to slow down the impulse to mindlessly scroll and to think about what I'm reading/looking at.

Between learning to cope with the grief of my dad's death and the fact that in 2025 I'm due to have bariatric surgery and top surgery, taking care of me is also continuing as a goal. Last year I got my ADHD diagnosis and this year started medication for it which has been a great help in feeling like I have more control over the direction of my life. I'm working on being conscious of my food choices and improving my fitness to help prepare for the surgeries and running around after my nephew, and overall looking ahead to what I want my life to be like and how to make some of that happen.

And to watch everything Liu Xueyi has been in.