#new angst just dropped!

[luna-rainbow]

i don't know if you've been asked about this before but do you think bucky suffers seizures because of hydra? if yes, did they start while being under hydra or after getting freed??

Thanks for the ask!

I think this is one of those things that you can headcanon either way because there’s enough in canon to justify either reading of it.

A few things to set the scene:

Seizures can be provoked (from an acute medical event) or unprovoked, although unprovoked seizures can also be due to an underlying cause (e.g. tumours or brain injuries). In general, provoked seizures occur only with the acute medical event, and does not develop into epilepsy (unless that medical event causes structural damage to the brain)

Epilepsy is defined as 2 unprovoked seizures or 1 unprovoked seizure with an underlying structural cause that significantly increases the risk of a 2nd seizure (e.g. tumours, TBIs)

There are things that Bucky experiences under Hydra that can heighten his risk for developing seizures

Bucky has the serum, which theoretically should heal any structural causes for epilepsy over time

Firstly, in order to join the military, Bucky did not have epilepsy (as it's one of the exclusions), which means if Bucky does later have seizures, it is acquired, i.e. something occurred to cause him to have seizures. People can develop epilepsy as an adult with no underlying structural cause and it's not actually uncommon (I'm reading something up to 60% of adults with epilepsy have no cause found) - but for the sake of the discussion and the fact that he has the serum on board, we'll say that he doesn't have an inherent predisposition for seizures.

Secondly, there are a number of things that increases Bucky's chance of having a symptomatic seizure and having epilepsy.

Traumatic brain injury, e.g. from the initial fall, assaults, repeated concussion etc

Acquired brain injury, e.g. from having his basal ganglia dissected (thanks Black Widow), from repeated electrocution, from repeated cryostasis, from Steve strangling him until he loses consciousness...

Metabolic derangement, e.g. from severe dehydration/starvation or as part of severe illness

Drug toxicity or withdrawal, e.g. excessive amphetamine/cocaine (as often given to soldiers), or withdrawal from benzodiazepine or certain classes of painkillers

There has been no evidence that ECT causes epilepsy. However, there is evidence that electrocution with injury to the central nervous system can cause epilepsy.

I feel like I've seen headcanons on why a) Bucky can walk off the Widow’s stinger like it’s nothing when even Nat gets knocked out by it; and b) Rumlow’s weapon of choice against Steve is electric rods. I tend to agree with guesses that Bucky probably experienced electrocution enough to develop some tolerance to it -- but over time that can certainly cause structural damage to the brain. Similarly, cutting into the brain to look at the basal ganglia would also definitely leave scarring that would precipitate seizures.

(Okay I know this is not the question and this answer is getting super long already, but can I just say this 2 second scene gets to me every time? Nat says "Ow, that does sting" when she uses it on herself later. Bucky tears it off with his bare hand. Does it not hurt? Of course it hurts. His metal arm is immobilised from that shock, and his entire arm is metal which feeds the whole shock into his body. The only acknowledgement he affords himself is to shake that arm out to get it back in working order. More than the unstoppable "Terminator"-like threat, this is someone who's backed against a cliff. Pain is not an option. Stopping is not an option. There is just him, against the rest of this noisy, chaotic, meaningless world, fighting an endless battle...until that mask comes off and he's given a name.)

For practicality’s sake though, I think Hydra would have been cautious to avoid giving Bucky brain damage that was severe enough to cause epilepsy. The unpredictability of epilepsy is the reason it's often an exclusion criteria for commercial licenses and operating heavy machinery and, in Bucky's case, flying planes and firing semi-automatic weapons. It's certainly not desirable in someone they've deemed "the Asset" whom they bring out when everything else fails. Alternatively, they might have figured out how long Bucky's brain needed to heal before sending him out to be operational again (but this still means they would avoid causing epilepsy if they can). This doesn't mean they won't place him in situations that can cause provoked seizures though - i.e. the drug toxicity/withdrawal and severe malnutrition and severe illness/infection type scenarios.

During his recovery phase, I think drug withdrawal and severe malnutrition (i.e. if he's not aware of how to feed himself) are possible causes of seizures. The risk is only high during a fairly short period of time (a couple of days) though and he is likely to be very, very unwell. If you're wanting to write him having seizures months down the track, one possibility might be he was on a cocktail of anti-seizure medications under Hydra (although I'd still wince at letting him touch a machine gun or a plane in that state) and he now no longer had access to those, so he continues to have seizures from structural brain damage (take your pick). My headcanon is that ultimately his brain will heal and the epilepsy would resolve.

And finally, are we ready for a conversation about pseudoseizures (non-epileptic or psychogenic seizures)? They are often associated with psychiatric conditions like depression, anxiety, PTSD and dissociative disorders, all of which Bucky would have reason to have.

[arrowheadedbitch]

"No, Jason, you don't get it! When they look at you, that's what they see, they see YOU, but when they look at me? They still see you. That's all they've ever seen. Don't you get it? I was never a replacement or a poser, I have always been your placeholder. I'm just a Jason shaped person they got so they could talk to me until they were done grieving. I was never meant to stay, but then you came back and you attacked me, and my Dad died, and Damian showed up and Bruce went missing, and suddenly it had gone on too long, gone too far, for anyone to be able to ask me to leave. I'm only still here because it would be somewhat cruel to ask me to leave. That's IT. When I walk into a room, I still expect someone to call me by your name, I still expect someone to look through me with those sad eyes they always had when you were gone, you weren't here while they were grieving you, you don't know what it was like. You think you can just walk in here after being dead for years and just understand my situation? You can't, that's not how it works. Now for godsake, can't you just leave me alone for once? Your face has already been haunting me for YEARS, just, please, please leave me alone. Please."

[filmbyjy]

TWITTER SUCKS!

PAIRING > lee heeseung x fem!reader

synopsis > who knew you could become famous overnight for paying $8 for a single blue checkmark? however, it does come with consequences…what happens when the actual BELIFT Lab comes knocking at your door. all because you simply impersonated your bias.

GENRE > twitter update au? idol! heeseung & enhypen. engene!reader

FEATURING > mae & subin (ocs) and of course the rest of enhypen :) more idols will be added if chapter requires!

SCHEDULE > inconsistent schedules bc I just post whenever I want to🙃

TAGLIST > just drop an ask or fill out this form to be added!

START: 20 March 2023 | END: 18th June 2023

profiles: ENBEANs | EN-KINDERGARTEN ❌❌

prologue: tf elon musk

one: gen old people

two: out of besth

three: HE LIKES YOU

four: please don’t embarrass yourself

five: he anti-romantic

— idk why the read more disappeared on me😒 —

six: she’s gonna fly

seven: BL MOMENT??

eight: take you out to a nice place

nine: your fruitiness is showing

↳ special: enhypen disbands

ten: well I be damned

eleven: father to future kids added

twelve: what is air?

↳ special: private rants thread 📌

thirteen: mhm, he’s broken

fourteen: fvck you 🫶🏻

fifteen: the punishment

sixteen: let me sniff [written]

seventeen: us when-

eighteen: smelled it and her eyes rolled back

nineteen: can YOU guess?

twenty: i THINK I like her

twenty-one: heerizz (very effective)

twenty-two: thanks 👍🏻

twenty-three: I hate feelings

twenty-four: is that ENHYPEN? [written]

twenty-five: y/n had a boyfriend

twenty-six: clean the dishes, you furry ass

twenty-seven: unforgiven, she’s a villain

twenty-eight: kiss the girl [written]

↳ special: enhypen behind the scenes

twenty-nine: i’m gonna resign

thirty: now the squad has boyfriends~

thirty-one: breaking my silence

↳ special: is the duck drunk?

thirty-two: ENGENEs flame her!!!

thirty-three: jieun’s downfall

thirty-four: mamma mia pisa is back

thirty-five: my other half [written]

end

got a question for our cast?

TWITTER SUCKS! : ask

[aggro-my-beloved]

i can fix you. no, literally :)

『 reaction pics 』 『 moodboard 』 『 incorrect quotes 』

Status 1 / 7.4.24 / pick ur poison 〉oh my darlin’

Status 2 / 7.25.24 / prom?

how is a man to live, laugh, love in these conditions? Dx

『 reaction pics 』 『 moodboard 』 『 incorrect quotes 』

Status 1 | 6.2.24 | rox @ my window

hehehe—rawr ;p

『 reaction pics 』 『 moodboard 』 『 incorrect quotes ❷ 』

Status 1 / 7.25.24 / prom?

call me davey and it’ll be the last word you say >:/

『 reaction pics 』 『 moodboard 』 『 incorrect quotes ❷ 』

Status 1 / 10.12.23 > move over…

Status 2 / 6.19.24 / pick ur poison 〉angel face

Status 3 / 7.25.24 / prom?

first i’m sour, then i’m sweet ;)

『 reaction pics 』 『 moodboard 』 『 incorrect quotes 』

status 1 / 7.25.24 / prom?

[hayaku14]

WAKE UP KAITOU KID NATION WE'RE GETTING ANGST ‼️‼️‼️

(x)

[nobody-nexus]

Random thought/writing practice:

What if Loo was the one who clipped with Pomni?

I'm not sure how it would happen, perhaps the gators do a bit of a trick or the new mission was saving the kidnapped princess, but from one way or another, Loolilalu and Pomni clip through and leave the three gators with the rest of the group

Loolilalu ends up falling down, confused just like Gummigoo. When she finds her model, she of course freaks out. This freaking out with Pomni would end with different things being said. Because she doesn't have much memory of parents, but instead... subjects

"What are these? Are they... My subjects? I... Why can't I remember any of their faces? Were they even real??? WAS ANYTHING REAL!?"

She shows her kind and compassionate side, but in a dreadful context due to her whole world being shattered. She cares for others, and yet feels that it never mattered... Realizing that she was just nothing more than a mcguffin for the story to move along

Perhaps even questioning why God made her feel this way. Still feeling like nothing, so a similar conversation between her and Pomni could happen as a result. They end up out the same way, and perhaps killing Fudge Monster still

The compromise could be the bandits and their village being offered homes within the castle walls, and even implies knighting since she wishes to join the others in the circus instead. But of course...

It ends the same

"Whoa, the circus! I love it here already!"

"Oh, looks like one of these guys made it through!" (Snap)

"God?-" (Poof)

At least she met her creator... right?

[milarepas]

Will and Mike as parents always make sure nothing is missing, but there are some things that can get out of their hands

May was always an energetic baby, excited to run around and talk non-stop, but as she grew up, she began to develop small insecurities, insecurities that she hid from her parents

Mike is a little strict at times, one of the reasons they can get into arguments, but at the end of the day she's still his baby

[clfixationstation]

...yeah

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 24 thoughts

season FINALE!!! whew, it has been an emotional time these last few months, let me tell you that. i’m wondering how or if this will be wrapped up. 

the episode description makes no mention of scully’s illness, just more aliens. we always end the seasons with aliens. i imagine that this will also be a cliffhanger, so i’m trying to brace myself for that now.

(author's note: there was nothing short of reaching enlightenment that could have prepared me for this, and even if i had ascended to nirvana, i might have been ripped back out by the sheer tragedy of this storyline)

but damn, with a title like gethsemane, i’m expecting even more tears than usual. 

(author's note: yeah)

let us no longer delay. 

we begin with some videos from 1972, including carl sagan! what’s he doing here? well, he’s doing alien things. are you surprised?

the man on the screen is speaking about the probability of contacting aliens. he says it is very high.

and then cut to scully in some very yellow lighting, politely trying to get to a crime scene to do some FBI business!

wait. is that mulder’s couch???

she just needed to make an ID on a body and BRO WHAT. DID SHE FIND MULDER DEAD??? IN HIS OWN APARTMENT?????

HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO???!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

now she’s in a meeting room with a lot of important people…. 

she’s explaining how she was assigned to the x files four years ago…. and she’s explaining the mulder lore.

“i come here today, four years later, to report on the illegitimacy of agent mulder’s work” <- WOAH WHAT??? betrayal?????

“it is my scientific opinion that he became over the course of these years a victim- a victim of his own false hopes, and in his belief in the biggest of lies” <- that is so sad????!?!??

HELLO??? WHAT??? hey. what’s going on. is that really scully? or is it an alien?

well. they’ve gotten me both hooked and worried. 

is she lying to save him?? is he dead?? is she preserving his reputation in death?? because she said that stuff in the past tense… or maybe he was killed and she will be next if she doesn’t renounce everything???

WHAT IS AFOOT HERE.

scully i just publicly declared you my favorite, you can’t make me take that back…

(author's note: i should have never doubted her <3)

ohhhh fancy, the intro says “believe the lie”

helicopter over the yukon in canada. some guys say the stuff at camp is unbelievable. that's quite a jump in tone from before.

and now they’re marching up the hill, saying they’re very excited etc etc. it looks to be exhausting work. the score is very suspenseful.

they arrive in a cave and shake hands as the newcomers are introduced. and what is in there but…. a frozen alien???

i was hoping it would be a perfectly preserved mammoth :( but okay… whatever… (sadly kicks dirt around)

back to the meeting room with scully!!! she says there have been recent developments on the assumption that aliens exist… mulder was contacted by a man whose “pursuit of this evidence seemed to coincide with his own”, and she says he was duped!!!! fooled by scientific slight of hand!!! 

and she’s here to expose this lie… and to expose his work for what it is….

GIRL, WHAT WENT DOWN???

now a cut to some sort of scully family event!! she’s telling a story about her brother bill. will we finally get to see him!? yes!! here he is!!! like their father, he is also in the navy, and seems to be pretty decorated. 

and he says he sent her a birthday card, to which she says “thanks for remembering this year” LMAOOO get him again for me!!

(why does no one remember her birthday!!! i will cry!!!)

the priest arrives… and scully’s face falls…. why is she sad to see him? and why did he get invited??? i’m stressed. 

father mccue is talking to her about drifting from the church and feeling awkward, but her mom asked him to come tonight. he says turning back to faith is essential in times like this. she says she hasn’t felt a need to draw on faith for strength, that she has some. and she won’t coming running back now.

huh, i wonder if she thinks that “running back” to the church will be admitting defeat. she says she’d be lying to herself and to him if she did that.

maybe she has only lightly been dabbling in god-related affairs since revelations, but not enough to want to return to mass.

but a phone rings… it’s mulder!!!

he says he’s sorry to interrupt her dinner, (so at least there’s some self awareness there) but someone named arlinsky at the smithsonian contacted him about a mountain in canada.

he says she needs to meet him RIGHT AWAY. BRO???????? she looks SO sad when he said that. 

she would do ANYTHING for him. and tbh i see why she wants to expose him now. fuck that. 

she’s assuring him that it’s okay, and he’s trying to apologize, but i’m still mad at him, and scully should be too. and who the hell is this arlinsky guy? apparently he was involved in a ufo photo faking?? but he claims he’s innocent?? THAT is what disrupted her dinner??

he says he won’t tell her what she’s about to see….

he has pictures of an alien frozen in the mountain and she looks deeply unimpressed. girl me too! 

apparently the alien has been in the ice for 200 years. and babcock (arlinsky's colleague) was part of the team that found it.

arlinsky says it’s a very remote location for it to be a hoax, to which mulder once again displays some self awareness with his “well if you’re gonna go, why not go all the way?” but again, not enough to prevent himself from getting in this situation in the first place

arlinsky pulls out the ice core samples from each side of the body, and says he sincerely believes they have a full corpse of an alien. 

but family dinner. i care about that more.

mulder says no one will believe him, and the same people that hid the truth will be asked to authenticate it, so there will be no confirmation either. which is why arlinsky wants him to go and get the body, because he knows it means everything to mulder

ohhhh scully says she has no opinion… “this is your holy grail, mulder, not mine” <- i am glad she is admitting she has no horse in this race

OHHH “proving the existence of alien life is not my last dying wish” <-yeah remind him that you’re literally dying and you can’t waste time because he SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN!!!!

“this is not some selfish pet project of mine, scully” <- well if it’s for the sake of your sister, but you’re hurting the people around you for it, that is still selfish actually 

woah woah woah i had to write this next part out...

“you already believe, mulder, what difference will it make? i mean, what will proof change for you?”

“if someone could prove to you the existence of god, would it change you?”

“only if it has been disproven”

“then you accept the possibility that belief in god is a lie?” (where are you going with this…? this is a sensitive subject for her!)

“i don’t think about it, actually. and i don’t think it can be proven”

“but what if it could be? wouldn’t that knowledge be worth seeking? or is it easier to go on believing the lie?”

this exchange made me feel frustrated. i wish he would be less ahab-like all of the time. yes, it is a huge deal that someone found an alien. but i see no reason why he couldn't have gone to that meeting by himself. and bringing god into this when he knows that's something very personal to her is a low blow. i get the point he was trying to make about believing the lie and all that, but c'mon man.

mulder honey, i get that this is a big deal to you, but time and place.

she tells him that she cannot go with him, but then he says, well can you just look at the ice core samples please. and she nods her head reluctantly. 

cut back to the big meeting room with scully and other very important people

“what i couldn’t tell agent mulder, what i had only just learned myself, was that the cancer which had been diagnosed in me several months earlier had metastasized. and the doctors told me, short of a miracle, it would continue to aggressively invade my body, advancing faster each day towards the inevitable” <- OH MY GOD??? oh my god. 

but why wouldn't she tell him... did she think that telling him then would interrupt his alien quest?? and she didn't want to do that because she knows how important it is to him? or did she not want him to worry?

because i would have told him!!! i would have said it right then and there!! but she is very different from me...

the fact that she is aware that she has so little time left and STILL left her dinner to go deal with his nonsense… scully, i fear you give too much and need to do things for yourself, please please

back on the mountain, they’re cutting the ice with a chainsaw. feels a bit unscientific, but i mean i guess that’s how you get that stuff done.

one guy is loading a pistol??? saying he doesn’t know the men well. that’s suspicious. i don’t care for it. 

there’s something in the ice. maybe a bubble. or a casting hole!! of liquid poured!! could this be a fake?? but the angle wouldn’t make sense, says one guy. hmm... i'm not sure what to think.

did they put a fake alien all the way up here…? and why is gun guy looking around all shady like…?

back to the core samples in DC. the scientist says he found some hybrid cells in there, not plants nor animals, but chimera, and he wants to get them under a microscope. hmm… can we clone da alien :3

someone walks into the cave in the yukon with a shotgun!!! and kills all of the men!!!!! what the hell!!! is this a real alien then?????

this happens just as others begin the hike up the mountain, including the smithsonian guy arlinsky. and mulder!! i didn’t even recognize him under all those baggy coats and sunglasses. wow. i feel like a fake fan.

someone was supposed to meet them and guide them up the mountain, but there’s no one there, and all the supplies are frozen over. so they begin the hike on their own, following the tracks from the others.

oh! the find someone keeled over in the snow, to which mulder remarks “funny place to take a nap”. again with the inappropriate jokes as a coping mechanism. it’s the guide that was supposed to meet them!! and he was shot and killed!!!

well, the alien is starting to look more authentic as the bodies pile up. 

back at the lab, scully is looking for the scientist, but she doesn’t find him. what she does find is a guy stealing the core sample???

he shoves her down the stairs?????? what the HELL!!!!

see, i thought the alien was a lie at first, but now it’s starting to appear compelling.

mulder and smithsonian guy arlinsky have arrived at the cave, and he pulls out his gun. they find all of the bodies from the crew, and no alien!!! it has been carved out!!!

mulder hypothesizes that perhaps someone was listening to their radio comms and came to hide their alien knowledge, but they hear some groans. and babcock is still alive!!

he says that the alien body wasn’t taken, but that he buried it!! and sure enough, they find it beneath their feet. mulder looks at it with amazement. big moment for a guy like him.

but scully!!! her face is bruised and her pristine lab coat is covered in blood! bill comes in with a change of clothes. and he didn’t tell their mom what happened. 

“i was knocked down a flight of stairs… but i’m okay, luckily”

“you’re not okay, dana” <- OHHHH BILL. please tread carefully.

he says he knows about her cancer and she says mom wasn’t supposed to tell him!!!

she says she doesn’t want sympathy, and he accuses her of thinking she can cure herself. which feels like a terribly low blow.

OHHHH MY GOD. wait hold on. hold on.

“what are you doing at work getting knocked down and beaten up? what are you trying to prove? that you’re gonna go out fighting?”

“oh now, come on, bill”

“do you know what mom is going through? why do you think i didn’t tell her when they called?”

“what should i be doing?” (said with great frustration)

“we have a responsibility, not just to ourselves, but to the people in our lives”

“hey, look, just-just because i haven’t bared my soul to you or to father mccue or to god, it doesn’t mean that i’m not responsible to what’s important to me” (this was very defensive and exasperated in tone)

“to what? to who? this guy mulder? well, where is he, dana? where is he through all this?”

well…. i want to defend mulder, to say he doesn’t know, but just because he doesn’t know that her cancer is getting worse doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have been more sensitive. he actually has been very conscientious, which makes this whole alien thing all the more sudden and infuriating!!!

she is stunned into silence as bill looks at her with fury. and she doesn’t say anything more to him beyond “thank you for coming” <-god, what was she supposed to even say?? i get trying to shake her back to reality, but who did that cruelty help??

bill, i get what you were trying to do, but you pissed me off in the way that you did it. do you always show the people you care for that you love them by screaming at them? because if so. not a very effective tactic.

mulder is unboxing the alien, which is now in DC, and he’s trying to thaw it with the smithsonian guy arlinsky and babcock! who is doing better! despite taking a shotgun bullet.

babcock asks if it were a hoax, why would there be 6 men dead over it, which is a good question. 

ewwww, the alien looks so gross….

with the help of another FBI agent, she finds the guy who hurt her!!!! and he’s working for the government!!!! in the pentagon‘s research facility!!! his name is kritschgau. they should not hire people in the government who assault women in stairwells.

mulder and crew are getting x rays and scans of the alien. mulder is wearing a sweater, but i’m still mad at him so i will NOT make note of how cute it is. 

the alien body is gross as hell. they’re filming an autopsy. ohhh he’s cutting the eye membrane off. EWWWW. EWWW.

now the ribs…… ewww ewww ewwww EWW IT CRUNCHES. NASTY. he takes the ribs out and starts looking at the heart and lungs and some other white stuff in the chest. gag.

meanwhile, scully’s casing the joint looking for the dude kritschgau who assaulted her, and she finds him, tracks him down, and nearly hits him with her car!!! she has her gun and is going after him!!!! he is under arrest!!! 

she is NOT messing around. we see a level of scully fury here that is incredibly potent and shown to us infrequently. i enjoy it, but it also makes me sad, because it shows how much stress she is under.

it appears he has slipped away, but she catches him!!!!! yes ma'am!!!!

kritschgau says that if he gets arrested, they’ll kill him. “they” being the same people that gave her cancer!!! how tf does he know about that???”

meanwhile, the alien organs are being weighed.

then cutscene back to the big meeting with scully!!! she’s telling them about how they smuggled the corpse back, saying mulder was ready to believe it was an alien.

but kritschgau convinced her it was otherwise, and not a true alien… he explained how mulder and her had been deceived and used, and that it was part of their plan that led to missy’s death and her illness.

god, how she must have felt hearing that… that everything that had happened to her was a waste, that the only point in her suffering was to advance corruption... it must have been devastating

as mulder leaves the warehouse where the autopsy was occurring, it seems he’s being watched by a guy with a shotgun??? is the shotgun guy going from before after the alien people????

it IS shotgun guy from before!!!! he knows babcock?? and he kills smithsonian guy arlinsky!!!

now who tf is this babcock fellow?!?!?!?!?!?

kritschgau is now sitting in mulder's apartment, explaining the "everything is a lie" story to him. mulder asks why he'd do this now- a fair question- and kritschgau says he came to him because his son is very sick after serving in the gulf war. i suppose if in this universe that is also something that has been covered up by the government, it could spark some disillusionment in the whole process once it impacts him personally.

he says "they" invented mulder, the regression hypnosis, the story of his sister and what they told his dad, and that the alien body was made carefully in a lab. and it would never be carbon dated, it was only for him to see so he would go public with the news and discredit himself.

mulder declares kritschgau to be a liar, but he says the body is already long gone, so he leaves to check. and sure enough, when he goes back to the warehouse, it isn’t there, but arlinsky is dead, as is shotgun guy!!!

again, WHO TF IS BABCOCK??!?!?

the cellular materials were an exact match to what kritschgau described. 

and this brings us to scully and mulder really fighting, really really fighting

“after all i’ve seen and experienced, i refuse to believe it’s not true” “because it’s easier to believe the lie, isn’t it?” <- ohh callback to earlier....

and she reveals that he said she was given this sickness to make him believe… oh my god, if that’s true, and her life is just a prop in their sick game… 

he storms out. 

back to the video from the 70’s we began with. 

mulder is watching it and crying. oh no… the beginning is clicking into place for me…… oh no, i see what is coming…. 

back to the meeting room. she says she went to his apartment that morning to identify a body, and that mulder died of a self-inflicted gunshot 

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?????????????????

thus concludes the episode

she’s crying, she’s crying, all i can think about is her crying, what the hell, what the hell….

so he killed himself because he realized he was being used as a pawn and it was his fault scully was dying…

normally i would have more to say. but i’m not gonna lie to you, i don’t. this is just so fucking sad. i don’t even have the words. never in a million years did i see this happening. what the hell???? what the hell?

do i believe this kritschgau guy??? i think he’s probably telling 30% of the truth. but not the whole thing. why would all those men die for a fake alien? i think he’s being deployed as a cover story as mulder gets too close. and i think some of this is engineered, but not as much as he claims.

and i'm willing to bet that "believing the lie" actually refers to scully believing his cover story!!!

man. i’m sorry but i’m just so sad. i have been so sad this whole season!!!! 

mulder…… it was rude of you to interrupt her dinner…… but this was not the answer… 

how is sneaky mulder going to get out of the situation THIS time??? and how is scully going to get out of the hole she's dug by reporting all of their work as fraud?? is bill going to be happy now?? lowkey fuck bill, btw.

wow... this is just painful. and i don't even have to wait months to find out what happens next. had i seen this when it aired live i probably would have entered a state of mourning.

so that's the end, huh? of the season, i mean. just sucker punch after sucker punch. i hope this isn't the tone of everything else moving forward. can i get uhhhh one order of whimsy please. with a side of mutual pining. and a small hurt/comfort, emphasis on the comfort. thank you.

after waiting 24 hours from watching the episode initially, i am still torn between how to proceed next. part of me wants to compile all of my favorite moments from the season like always, but the other part of me wants to begin the next episode right away, just so i can move on from such horrible mental imagery as mulder dead from a self-inflicted gunshot. what a terrible thing i wouldn't even have expected from fanfiction!

but, i can also see that the next episode is a two parter, and to be left on ANOTHER cliffhanger would be horrible- but probably LESS horrible than being left with the sadness of dead mulder, right? i don't know what to do! i am filled with indecision!!!!

:(

at least i can take away some fascinating analysis regarding scully's relationship to catholicism, and her idea that depending on any force outside of herself- be it family, friends, or god- is a sign of weakness. i mean, that is pretty telling about her character. and the fact that she believes this so strongly she tried to hide her cancer getting worse from her brother and succeeded in hiding it from mulder!!! to even voice the truth would make it real. maybe that's why she can't tell them, can't go to mass- because it would mean that the end is really near if she did so. i think it's about both the perceived ideas of weakness ingrained in her by her hardass parents and a refusal to let the situation she has found herself in be registered as real in her own mind. she knows it is. but maybe if she pushes it to the side, she can forget for a while.

wow. that sure is something to think over, and think it over i shall.

[disinherited-dornishman]

In honour of @helaenasbestfriend 's insane tags on my post, which inspired this two part trash from my end.

Part 1

Tags: angst, hurt/comfort, fantasies of regicide. TW: offscreen marital SA in part 2, because that's what doing one's duty as Alicent Hightower pertains.

Part 2/2

His prayers go unanswered.

Criston is stone, cold and hard, a gargoyle once more. He does not take his eyes off the wall opposite his post.

Soft creaking. Not his sword's leather hilt.

He thought back to Ser Arlan's oath, the weight of his blade on Criston's shoulders. "In the name of the Mother, I charge you to defend the young and the innocent. In the name of the Maiden, I charge you to defend all women." He felt the warmth of pride as though he was back in the Marshes at this very moment. The clasp Ser Arlan's hand around his forearm, a clap on his shoulder, and respect from a knight he looked up to all his boyh-

A whimper pierces the creaking of the bed and the King's panting.

It is for his sins that she is being punished, he knows it. The Gods see his desires when he prays to them. The violence. The vengeance. The rage. The love. They see the hearts of all their faithful.

He closes his eyes at the soft, strangled cry.

He would pray for mercy for his Queen, but he's learned his lesson and instead gives prayer for forgiveness, before he goes away inside again.

"Ser Criston!"

The Prince Aemond ran to him with an eagerness not his wont, and he couldn't help but freeze in surprise. "What is it, my prince?"

"Aegon needs your help."

His smile kept Criston from mistaking this for an emergency, but he followed his energetic prince with due speed toward a path he swiftly recognized as leading to Queen Alicent's solar. When he entered, shrieks greeted him, and he sighed at the sight of Princess Helaena, rather calmly, chasing Prince Aegon with an insect of some sort.

"He only wants to meet you, Aegon," she said, wholly sincere.

"Get it the fuck away!"

"Children!" They stopped and a brief wave of embarrassment washes over him that he had spoken to his royal charges in such a manner. But he was also relieved the cacophany stopped. "Princess."

"Hello, Ser Criston."

"Get the she-beast away from me," Aegon commanded, wild-eyed and watching his sister warily.

"An unworthy thing to call your sister," he chided. "Princess, please stop whatever you're doing if it's making Aegon scream? I beseech you. Otherwise some guard must leave their post as I have to stop it."

"Apologies, Ser."

"You're sorry for that but not for me?" Aegon was in disbelief.

From beside him, Aemond laughed, and the sound had Criston suppressing a smile of his own.

The smile broke along with the memory, when the door behind him opens.

He dares not look anywhere but ahead as King Viserys steps out, feet and cane tapping a cadence he has come to despise. His Grace stops before him, glancing, ashamedly perhaps, but he cannot tell for he will not look, cannot, or he might well start to truly consider the voice that is whispering from the dark corners of his mind.

The gods listen, he reminds himself. Remember your oath. Remember your honour. Protect her in this way from him, we cannot in any other.

Mercifully, as though the gods approve of his line of thought, Viserys Targaryen finally averts his eyes and lowered head, and leaves with Ser Harrold in tow.

He had forgotten the Lord Commander was beside him.

"I charge you to protect all women, Ser Arlan's voice said.

The silence was bliss this once, if only for the lack of his Queen's cries. Why the King had been rougher than usual this time, he could not say. Perhaps he missed his Aemma particularly today.

But the silence did not bring him peace much longer, for soon it began to unnerve him, and both his oath and his heart told him to enter her chambers and make certain of her safety, but the truth is that there is no safety he can bring her that is mentionable, and he could not chance that she might be indecent. He could not add to her pain, her humiliation.

He could not.

The agony of these minutes is much the same as it had been in the Boneway, when he awaited Ser Arlan's command to attack the watchtowers, not knowing if he would survive the skirmish.

But his queen breaks it as she breaks all his agonies, when she calls his name.

"Ser Criston."

He finally looks away from the wall, and finds his Queen pristine, in one of her mother's old green dresses. They always comfort her, and she keeps them in exceptional condition.

"My queen." His voice is strangled, but he finally breathes again.

Her sorrow is statuesque. She spares him a smile - and it is only now that he notices her upper lip is split.

His cold fury must be evident. "My own doing, not my husband's."

For the better, or I would have made you a widow. His eyes widen and he quickly averts his gaze. Damned fool! Banish these thoughts before she is punished any further for your-

"Please," she says, and he starts as her finger brushes his fist. "I would not have you worry for me, Ser."

"It is my duty," he says, "as your protector."

"And this is mine," she says. Her smile pierces his heart like a knife. "Put it from your mind. Please."

Despite her calm, he recognizes her need, the desperation in her eyes, and finds he is capable of anything to fulfil it. Even forgetting the King's sins. "As you command."

"Will you pray with me? At the sept? I'm afraid I am in no state to be seen by the children yet."

"You honour me, your grace."

Her smile becomes a little less tired, and his own agony abates some as they make their way to the sept that had become his haven these past years. He ignores the failure in her step, for fear of the thoughts that would arise if he didn't.

The prayer is small solace tonight. But her presence, the realness and safety of her being beside him after having to listen to... her duties, more than makes up for it. He finds himself thinking more of her bitten, bloody lip than the words of prayer his mother had taught him. Today they knelt before the Maiden, and he catches part of her words under her breath.

She prays for a child to come to life, and its health to be good.

It is a prayer in which he joins. For even this child would be dear to him as Aegon, Helaena, and Aemond already are. A light in the darkness. The only good to come from Viserys Targaryen, yet but a drop in the ocean that is his Good Queen Alicent.

"Will you tell me what plagues you, Ser?" she says, waiting for him by the door of the sept when they've finished their prayer. He's looping his scabbard about his waist.

"Forgive me." He promised to put the incident out of his mind, yet words are wind. He cannot help but be haunted.

"There is nothing to forgive." She looks down, suddenly uncertain - for the first time this whole night, he is surprised to realize. "If you wish to speak, Ser Criston... I am here."

Disbelief. That's what he's feeling. He knows this - this, this is an offering of trust. An open hand extended. And his Queen is asking for his.

Gods, if he had known earlier-

"Of course, my queen. It is merely... I..."

"Yes?" Her uncertainty is replaced with relief, and curiosity.

"I fear I am at fault."

"At fault? Whatever for?"

He looks down, swallows the lump in his throat. "The gods see and hear all. We cannot hide our hearts from them, even if we can hide it from ourselves. I... the gods punish you for my thoughts. The... The unwell thoughts... that I spoke of."

When he finds the courage to look up, she watches him with soft, large eyes, and greets his confession with the kindest of smiles. "Sweet Ser... you are a fool."

His mind blanks. Fool? Sweet Ser?

His faculties are not helped when she steps closer. The moonlight through the stained glass is paler than the daylight's, and it enhances her beauty immeasurably, her skin and the auburn of her hair.

"This is not punishment," she says. "It is the duty of all wives, from Dorne to the Wall. I assure you that I have had similar nights long before I took you in my service. You are not at fault for my... pains."

He nods, feeling like a fool, and not at all sweet. Worse, selfish. He should be comforting her, not the other way about. "Of course..."

She is still smiling. His heart races. "Your concern is most welcome, however. You are a dear friend, Ser Criston."

"You honour me," he rasps.

"And you me."

"No," he shakes his head. "My thoughts-"

"Are only because you care for me, as a friend would."

The way she says the word friend... there is no doubt left in him. She knows, yet she accepts it. Gods be good. Madness grips him.

"Ask me to end your suffering."

She does not flinch, wonder, or turn. His Queen knows precisely what he is saying, and all she does is smile. It is so sorrowful the lump in his throat returns. "I cannot."

He shuts his eyes. He nods. "Of course. Forgive me, he is your king husband, I should never have- I am a beast, Your Grace, wild with fear and-"

She breathes a quiet laugh. "You do not understand, Ser. It is not for my husband I am concerned."

Queen Alicent does not elaborate in the silence, and it is all the explanation he needs. The air betwixt them is intoxicating. "They would not know it was by another's hand."

"I cannot chance that."

"Even if I was discovered, I would never give your name, not even to the Lord Confessor himself."

"Discovery does not frighten me. It is the loss of you I could not bear, dear friend. Who, Ser, would pray with me in this sept after the king's visits? Who could I trust to safeguard my children's lives?"

"... I understand." He did, truly. How long had she felt...

Her fingers weave through his, her eyes close as though in rest or repose. He is suddenly starved for nearness, and leans forward while she does the same.

His forehead rests against hers. Her warmth, the gentleness of her hands, so abiding and comforting. Her tired breath, the sweetest sound he knows.

They remain so, drawing strength from each other, until minutes pass. Or hours.

When finally they part, she looks at him with such fondness and trust his heart feels like to burst from it.

"We should go to the solar, Ser Criston, before the children go mad from eagerness."

The mention of them breaks him out of it enough that he finds his voice. "Eagerness?"

She laughs beautifully. "Oh, yes, I forgot. Helaena intends to surprise you with an insect from the Dornish Marshes. Be certain to act surprised."

He grins. How delightful. "As Her Grace commands."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, he recalls a tale he had heard of the gargoyles of Dragonstone, that they were more than they seemed. It is said that one day, the stone dragons would awaken. Some terrible battle against a foe, he couldn't recall.

Criston Cole was no dragon. Just one of the many grotesques. But he knew how to fight.

And when he saw in the training yard how the King favored the Darklyn knight, he knew precisely how to avenge his queen's pains.

Ser Rolland never breathed painlessly again.

[luminousjellyfishy]

We’re feeling the angst tonight, guys

Dream belongs to: @/jokublog

[luna-rainbow]

that ask/meta about Bucky and sleeping broke my heart. I always feel sad when seeing that scene of them manhandling Bucky out of the vault and so but to know they manhandled him while he was basically dead is just sad as hell. he deserved better than a bunch of criminals doing that to him. 😔

while writing this a question came to my mind: what do you think are all the things attached to his body in that opening scene of civil war? I always thought the mask was oxygen but if he was basically dead then he didn't need oxygen, right? plus he's not wearing a mask in other times when we saw him being put under cryo, so what was that for? and the things around his chest??

Thanks for the ask! Cryo is not at all within the realm of my knowledge because there’s complicated physics involved 😂 And to be fair, I think this is classic movie science where the creators themselves have done very little research into how cryo is achieved.

This article provides a good run-down of the theory behind cryopreservation, but it’s from 2008 and technology and our understanding of cell metabolism is likely different now.

To summarise:

The subject needs to be cooled to -120C to be held in cryostasis. At these temperatures, chemical reactions are so slow that the cells can stay stable for centuries.

Blood is removed before the subject has been cooled below 0C and vitrification mixtures are injected into the subject to prevent ice crystal formation. This mixture is toxic, so has to be tightly controlled for the temperature it is given.

Another factor to control for is reperfusion injury upon warming and re-infusing the subject with blood.

Other interesting facts noted in that article is that humans have been cooled to 16-24C with cardiac arrest of more than an hour, then reawakened without neurological damage, which is impressive given brain damage is said to occur within minutes of cardiac arrest at normal body temperature.

Importantly though, the article doesn’t seem to mention any cases where an entire mammal has been successfully resurrected from cryo, much less multiple rounds of freeze-thaw cycles that Bucky had to go through. A lot of what it discusses in theory is on the basis of maximising the preservation of brain tissue, while sacrificing other organs to potential damage (I think the article said something along the lines of “in the future stem cell technology would take care of all those damaged organs!” which…isn’t going to help poor Buck out)

What I can’t find with my (very limited) reading is how the blood is stored after it is replaced. Presumably it is also cryopreserved separately? Because transfusing someone else’s blood into the subject’s body will cause huge issues. The other major difference between current data and Bucky’s situation is that current cryo methods are for the preservation of recently deceased bodies, while Bucky is still alive when he is placed into cryo.

So uh, assuming Bucky’s cryo is anything based in current real world science, he’s likely to have attachments for: heart monitoring and defibrillation, airway support and oxygen supply, large bore intravenous lines for rapid blood removal and replacement which would also help control the cooling/warming, some sort of real time monitoring of acid-base and electrolyte and oxygenation levels and replacement, and maybe some sort of EEG to monitor brainwaves. The blue glowing buttons are kiiiinda in the right place for heart monitor if we’re assuming a 3-lead system and the other one is hidden on his right side.

Keep in mind, this is not taking into account any magic effect the serum might have, ie maybe cryosuspension and revitalisation is only possible because of the serum, and maybe crystallisation isn’t an issue because of the serum.

And this is going to be TMI but I wonder what the effect of intestinal contents would be on cryo. Limiting his intestinal contents is partly the reason why I feel like Bucky likely didn’t have a lot of chance to eat real food, and likely got most of his nutrition as some sort of prescribed nutrition mix that would give him the energy hit he needs for the mission. Assuming that his gut will go into hibernation mode with cryo and probably won’t digest properly at least for a few days (much longer if he were a normal human), I suspect they’ll go for IV nutrition if they need him functional quickly. (* This won’t be one of his lines during cryo obviously cos he won’t need the support)

So yeah, all those fics about Bucky exploring oral textures and tastes of foods as a part of his recovery has a special place in my heart.

[litt1e-prince]

you guys DONT understand- i read this line from Smiles Taken AU fic and just havent been the same since- went out of my way to learn perspective

[seventh-district]

7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos

[evilsartcorner]

[cherubytes]

the pronoun hierarchy thing opens up a whole realm of possibilities, but whats mainly on my mind is what you can do to the ferryman using this info