#listen okay i love mk from this fic - i do. i would say hes my favourite

[litt1e-prince]

you guys DONT understand- i read this line from Smiles Taken AU fic and just havent been the same since- went out of my way to learn perspective

[iridescentdove]

Hello!I rlly liked the Elysia fic :D if your requests are open, may I request Herrscher of Sentience or maybe Fu Hua! Reader? (maybe w poe , ranpo , dazai ,yosano and higuchi? Its fine you can do any character you want though!)

Poe, Ranpo, Dazai, Yosano & Higuchi x HoS! Reader

Hiya Anon! And why not HoS mommy. You were once part of the Fire Moth organization about 50,000 years ago in the last civilization. You are one of the few people who survived against the Final Herrscher.

Later you became the guardian of Shenzhou, coming to be known as The Sage and devoting your life to eliminating the Houkai. However ... what if ... the Herrscher of Sentience were to make her comeback?

EDGAR ALLAN POE:

He thinks you are absolutely beautiful, but absolutely terrifying. He's interested in your past and the world you had lived in - it would make for a great novel.

But again, Poe is too nervous to approach you. Hell, even Ranpo wanted nothing to do with you.

So he sucks up the advice ...

But somehow ,, ends up at your doorstep, literally not knowing why he's coming right to you after wimping out. Like ... for the 17th time already.

You're not as bad as you looked, actually. You were pretty nice and tsundere when not trying to destroy the world.

So he found really refreshing, although, thinks you might just do some 360 and end up just fooling him into thinking you were a peacemaker. He's paranoid, okay.

Really like your HoS outfit though. It didn't look like the normal, but again, you were from a different world.

You sometimes talk about your years back in your home.

Poe listens so aggressively, taking down notes which he might be able to use for his own novel.

Most of the time, you guys get along so well. From thw times he's spent with you, you're actually cute. Whenever you get annoyed, you puff your cheeks like a kid.

Totally differemt from when you're pissed- literally all creation might get crushed then and there-

In the moment you were indeed, embodying the path of ruin and destruction, you were ... actually so scary. No one knew what to do.

The Port Mafia was unable to make a choice, in doing so, they'd be destroyed. The ADA ran out of options, no longer sure what to do. The Guild was wimping out lol.

Decay of the Angels? They sure live up to their name! Turned to dust and decay under your very hands! Pun intended

Poe only wishes you come back to him and solving crimes like you always did.

You better make up for it if you do end up admitting defeat because he is shitting tears.

He'll take a bit to get over it but he loves you sm. <3

Kiss him, hug him, literally hog all of his attention for the next few weeks and he'll be so happy about it. Come on now, get your priorities straight.

If you try to ever go on a HoS rampage this bitch fr might just get a heart attack-

"(Y/N) WTF WTF WTF WTF NOT AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NOT THIS NOT THIS–" :)

RANPO EDOGAWA:

He literally cannot figure you out lmao so that's a job well done in my book.

Ranpo wouldn't know jack shit in all honesty. You're from a whole different world, possibly even GOD there. Herrscher? Elysian Realm?? ReveRSE CREATION WAIT WHAT

Please give him time to breathe in the information.

Mk but if you like sweets he definitely gonna share some, he's now interested in you.

You gave him odd vibes at first, and in the end he was technically not wrong. Bro knew you were no good since the start but man who is he to judge.

Ranpo and you are ... well, in a way to say it ya'll are dating but never verbally established it??

You guys decided to just start doing it LMAO

Everyone is so surprised. Like, "YOU NEVER TOLD US YOU WERE DATING WHAT?"

In other words you guys are basically acting like you're dating. In which, you are. But ya'll don't even care to officialize it like it is what it is 😭

But that aside, he reaaally thinks he shouldn't be around someone like you ... even if you're together.

He deduces that it will not end in his favor.

And Ranpo was correct. You are out for blood and for the death of their world, in which you don't care about even him when you did that.

He feels betrayed. Super betrayed, a little mad? You guys did so much together and damn repaying him with that.

But he does understand why you're doing it.

That anger may not be centered towards you but instead the others are pissed off mafia be like

Upon the destruction of everything, if you succeed, bad ending it is then. Everyone's dead, the world is decaying and you've made Fyodor happy ...

Except he's rejoicing in hell bc you killed him.

Ranpo looks at you like you were the demon satan itself, so livid and upset about what you've done. Guilty, a little.

If you decide to spare them some slack and don't succeed, well, Ranpo's here for you. Come on now, it's better off this way don't kill everyone wtf

He's the first to go up to you, pouty and wanting you to make up for your mistakes. Cuddle him or else I shoot

He doesn't understand the concepts sometimes, but as long as you're there with him, just eating away sweets and telling him interesting stories of your life, he's all for it.

Would 100% smash in your herrscher form

DAZAI OSAMU:

I can smell the rizz a mile away

Okay, you're actually so chill. He respects that, unlike when you're out in a rage and turning people into Odasaku

You're not free from his teasing. You're like a second Kunikida he messes around with lmao. Except when he pisses you off he's actually running for his life–

"Don't you wanna die though?" "SHE'LL TORTURE ME I HATE PAIN AND SUFFERING"

Has the audacity to hide behind Atsushi. Now both of them are terrified and running while you cutely and respectfully, turn into Herrscher of Senti completely <3

Ends up dating you anyway.

For a bit, he'll take time to trust you because he finds it strange like Ranpo. There's something odd sometimes about your behavior he can't pinpoint himself ...

Ooh wait. So you wanna destroy the world. Ok.

He can understand why from all of his own experience, but wouldn't advise you to do that. It ain't smart of you, bae.

Your powers are actuallu very respected by him. He also finds it pretty and interesting! Will ask you a few questions and compliment you from time to time.

If you tell him stuff about your own world, he'll be somewhat interested in it too. As for how he knew ...

Dazai figures it out pretty easily, although it took a bit of time to realize you weren't from this world.

Not just that too. Basically, a Herrscher could be the same as a literal God. He's not all that scared but you're really full of surprises. He is not taking you lightly, though.

Knows you can literally reverse creation single-handedly.

But he doesn't want that. Come on now, dude wants to die but at least let him achieve the wish of marrying a pretty girl first before that :/

The pretty girl i'm talking about is you. "Belladona! Oh my, dear. Just stop whatever you're doing and return to my arms! I am lonely! So very lonely!"

He's technically not wrong

Everything in his willpower, he and the agency would find the best way to intercept with your plans.

They're here to save people, after all. If there's a full 100% chance they'll die – it won't matter. Push through. Gotta save all those lives before it's too late.

Good luck. Even though Dazai knows you can blow up the world with ur sexy self /j

But think again. If you're good enough a soul to stop your tomfoolery – all's well that ends well. Again, HoS is not evil but simply, a misunderstood individual.

Dazai will understand all of that. Okay? He'll just be glad you didn't turn everyone into toast.

But I guess he'll have to be careful not to piss his bbg off <3

YOSANO AKIKO:

Great job because she's glaring at you literally every time you breathe, talk, or even sleep.

Yosano doesn't trust you at first knowing something's up, and by Ranpo's deduction – she trusts his judgement wholeheartedly and believes you're up to bad.

It would take some time for her to trust you.

After long, possibly a few weeks she'll start to change your mind. You often help around often, and you save their asses everytime with your strange "ability" if it's even one.

You didn't act as bad as you look, and were probably just a big tsundere, mind her.

At the end of the day, Yosano really liked you. AYY bestie takes you out to go shopping and you would pamper each other so much with slight complaining from you

Both of you are great partnered up in missions. You were already strong enough, not needing assistance.

Yosano is just supporting at the back with her healing.

And around the time when you started to grow distant is where she's growing suspicious again. All of that for what? She'll be really uneasy all of a sudden.

Peakaboo :) Guess who :) it's Herrscher of Sentience bitch

Knew she shouldn't have trusted you. But come on now, she obviously knew your times spent together was genuine. Yosano knew you didn't do this because you're evil.

But well, all have their reasons, and you do as well. Will not stand for it and will smack you into sense if necessary.

"GIVE MY (Y/N) BACK" "YOSANO- PUT THE BROOM AWAY-" "YOUR POINT??"

Girlboss saving her girlboss girlfriend.

Will not stand to leave you, literally comes out to go against you even if she knew she'll loose. If there's at least 1% chance you'll come back to her, she'll take it.

Got her chainsaw ready and all. Doesn't want to hurt you, but has no choice to kick ass lol

If you seriously choose to disregard your actions then she'll be so relieved. Atsushi super mega relieved in the corner

Honestly, don't be ashamed. They all understand. Even though some will take time to forgive you. It's not easy to forget things like this.

The agency will gladly let you stay. After all, mommy-

Jokes aside, Yosano is worshipping the ground you walk on and you do that to her in return. Literally two queens that aren't taking bullshit from anybody.

And you guys kiss sjsshj- dammit by bi ass is showing

ICHIYO HIGUCHI:

I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE HER

Here we go, now it's much more fit. Let's just say they know stories about Herrschers and their existence about being born to destroy humanity.

You were once a normal human like them, but was cheated out of your life but then damn here you are.

A lot were intimidated, everyone probably. You can end the world with all your own hands. Reversing creation as you say, and being in the Port Mafia? HOO WHAT A DAY

Higuchi does admire you the more she learns of you. Really likes your chill personality when you aren't out for blood.

Fr you're just there standing and she's going "🥺"

Like in that episode with Akutagawa and Gin, she misunderstands easily and gets jealous – thinking that you're crushing on Kouyou, dating Chuuya, etc.

Please give this girl some attention. She wants to drown in your presence because you are just so mommy amazing

Whenever you activate your ult she is mesmerized. I mean, sure it's destruction and chaos but Higuchi is down bad for your strength and possibly, beauty.

Would try to train with you to get stronger, to be able to protect Akutagawa.

But hey, why is she spending more time with you than him-

Soon enough you realize she's smitten and probably forgot about Akutagawa's existence. AKUTAGAWA. HER forgetting about HIM?

Damn you are God.

Really tells you to go back on the decision. Think this through, are you really gonna destroy the world? What are you gonna do then?

It's most likely not all fun and games once you've did it. Higuchi is just a worried bbg.

Totally siding with Ranpo on railing you

Again, don't be upset about whatever it is. You aren't evil, basically – it's a misunderstanding. Higuchi sympathizes with you and doesn't hold a grudge.

Now ... kiss kiss fall in love relax and let yourself be loved.

I headcanon her being rescued by you all the time and she's too flustered to even say anything ... with those sparkly ass slow-mow moments as if you're her prince or sumn 💀

[srslyspiderman]

mk so i had this FREAKY dream about Webster(spidersona) and Miguel. but the thing is Webster and Miles are pretty similar in comparison since Webster is just me.. and im similar to Miles,, so... yeah!! so im thinking.. how about i take this as an opportunity to right a freaky ass fic or smth based off that? well ur opinion doesn't matter bc HERE WE GO!!! In 1st person bc it's the only way I can write. :')

— — — woah, the mans a vamp?! — — —

I had always wanted to be apart of the Spider-Society, I always loved the idea of being.. "official" and that place was my one-way ticket to that. Being an "official Spider-Man".. what a dream! I was on my way to Miguel's office-like place and honestly the walk wasn't so bad, I had already gotten my own watch.. well wristband; this way I wouldn't glitch out and die or.. something like that! Once I got there he was lowering himself down on a platform of some sort but he didn't say a word, it was pure silence the entire time.. I had to break it, I had to say SOMETHING.

"So..how's it going big guy? You're awfully quiet," I started, he didn't have anything to say he was just tapping on some holograms doing some lame junk that I couldn't care for so I continued talking "I was thinking... I could be apart of the Spider-Society! I'm pretty helpful in my universe and I think I could be preeeettttyy useful here too!" I don't remember what I said after but I just couldn't stop blabbing at the mouth and I'm sure he said something but I couldnt hear him over how excited I was, I was so lost in my own words I hadn't heard a single word he said to me. He talks to low anyway so..not my fault! However, I guess that made him think I was ignoring him.. which didn't make him the happiest of people. Before I knew it he lunged at me and was pressing me against a wall, he arm pressing against my throat.

"COULD YOU STOP TALKING? YOU'RE VOICE IS SO SICKENING TO LISTEN TO. YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?" his fangs retracted which honestly scared me, but IM SPIDERMAN. I'd be okay and bounce back up again, those dumb fangs couldn't possibly do a numher on me. Either way.. he couldn't hurt someone who's important, right?

"Hey man, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings I just thought maybe I could help-" He didn't like the fact I kept mentioning helping him, I could tell by the way he was just.. LOOKING at me. Like he wanted to kill me.

"Look kid, I don't need your help. I don't need any of the spider-people here but I can't wipe them all out because people all across the multiverse would drop like flies. Trust me, if I could I would've done it a while ago." Honestly I thought he was playing the role of a tough guy so I wanted to lighten the mood.

"Come onnn, why so sour? You and me could be a team! Check this out; Miguel O'Hairy-Legs and his amazingly charming side-kick, Webster! I could be like your kid, it'd-" He lifted me up into the air for just a moment and slammed me down onto the ground. I think I felt the floor break underneath me. I let out a groan and looked up at him.

"You aren't MY kid. You're just a random kid who just so happened to get some fucking powers, and you'll NEVER be anything more than that. A KID IN A SPIDER COSTUME. A FANBOY PLAYING DRESS-UP." I could see the spit coming out of his mouth, it was disgusting but it was all I could focus on with the amount of pain that was flowing through me from when he slammed me down. "Look, you're gonna go back home and live your life. And you won't be seeing anyone again, no Hobie. No Gwen. Not even Miles. You got it?"

"psh, who's gonna stop me? You're too busy cooped up in your office doing your lame work. You're just like a dad but.. without a k-" I think that's what really got to him, well, I know that's what got to him since before I could even finish my sentence I felt a sharp pain in my neck. My eyes widened as I lifted my hand up slowly but I felt a grip tighten around my wrist and lower it down with force. Miguel wasn't infront of me anymore.. he was to my side, biting down on my neck. The room was quiet like before, the silence that was so unbarable to sit through returned it also seemed to be dimming around me as I tried to push him off me but it didn't matter at that point, my entire body weakened and then everything just went black.

BOOM THE END 😱😱

[the-night-writer1]

Unforeseen Consequences

(Spicynoodleshipping fic, angst ahead you’ve been Warned)

It was a fall afternoon as Princess Iron fan got some tea prepared for her son and herself. She expected him to storm in any minute now, an angry mess of emotions, but they had to do it. Red Son out live that little fling of his. She had informed the boy of that. The fool may not have been the brightest bulb Wukong could have chosen but he understood what she meant when she told him either way he went about it he’d break her baby’s heart one day.

Her husband was doing as she instructed him to for when Red son returned. She poured herself a cup of tea and took a sip as she heard the door open...quietly. She looked up about to offer her sweet boy some tea when he took off his offer coat without a word. She hadn’t been prepared for this silence, his last break up had left him nearly burning their home to cinders 100 years ago. However, this time he was just quiet, it unnerved the princess to say the least. 

“Sweet boy what about some-”

“No thank you mother” Red son said, cutting her off as he kicked his boots away. He didn’t even turn to her. He just looked at the ground, avoiding eye contact with her. She put her cup down and got up. The bull clones had taken his coat and boots away as he just stood there for a moment. As  she started to walk towards him just quietly walked towards the hall.

“Baby boy are you sure? It’s your favorite” Iron Fan said as she tried to reach out for him. To pull her baby into a hug and give him some comfort but Red son further rejected her attempts. 

“Yes I just want to lay down for a while”Red son said as he walked away from her approach. Before Iron Fan could say a word her husband stopped her.

"give him some time alone to recover darling" Mowang said softly," he'll come to us when he's ready."

"but this isn't his normal reaction-"

"My love every heart break is different" He said as she scooped her up and carried her away. She was worried still. Her baby boy had come home quiet. It was so unlike him.

----

Red son walk into his room and went straight to his bed. He felt like his soul had been shattered as he plopped on to the soft but firm mattress. He wanted to sink into that ratty terrible mattress his now ex refused to let him replace. Let it destroy his back as he laid on with Xiaotain. Just be in that room instead of this one.

The demon rolled onto his back and started to cry once again as he remembered Xiaotain's words and how Xiaotain choked on them. The man himself fighting back tears.

I just don't want to die and leave you broken hearted in the future. It's better you find someone else.

No matter how hard Red son had tried to convince Mk that they'd be okay. He refused to listen, even when they both were in tears and Red son had gotten on his needs. Just utterly begging his beloved, his other half to stay with him, Xiaotain refused. He'd sat there on his knees trying to stop crying as clearly Xiaotain had to force themself to leave.

He didn't want to think about how long he thought he'd sat there just bawling. How many good hearted strangers asked him if he was okay or the long walk home. He only gained any kind of composer because he'd be scolded if he was sobbing at the front door.

If not by his parents but his own need to collect the pieces of himself so they'd leave him be. He didn't want his mother's false promises of finding someone better that came with past breakups or what ever garbage his father would spew. He just wanted to sink into nothing and be no one.

Not a demon who'd live hundreds of years, not the infamous son of Mowang, nephew of Sun Wukong or even a person. He just wanted to be nothing because what did he truly have without his beloved noodle boy? Tools? Robots? He certainly didn't have the sunshine that Xiaotain brought to a room or the corny terrible jokes only that fool could make him laugh at. Definitely not that sense of pure unadulterated love that came off them both whenever the two merely held hands or with the lightest peck of the cheek.

He'd never truly find that again, Noodle boy was the only person in his whole life that brought that feeling. Sure there had been others who were close but they never truly made him feel that loved. Not even his own parents.

He always felt the need to impress them, to prove he was worthy of the title. The title of being their flesh and blood. He turned away from the door and looked at his hands. He'd give anything to switch his pain to be from them instead of Xiaotain.

Then he could just lay in the love of his life's comforting embrace and cry his eyes out without a care. Or at least the pain be a familiar pain.

If he had the energy he'd get up and walk to them right now then ask,"Mother, Father why do you hate me?"

Listen to every heart shattering remark and go back to his room to sob and let that be the reason for his broken soul. Not his beloved noodle boy, no not the Monkie kid. His parents disappointment in him could be his heart break but he was just so exhausted.

He couldn't convince himself to move anymore, he felt sick.

----

A few weeks went by as Iron Fan constantly visited her son's door with a myriad of things just trying to get him to come out of his room. Desperate to see his face. After the first week her husband also had growing concern. Neither saw him come get food or something to drink. Only hoping he did that while they were sleeping.

They'd both had tried to talk to him through the door, Iron Fan slightly opening it a few times just to make sure he was in there. Today she came with food from Pigsy's noodles. She sent a bull clone to get it as they weren't able to do deliveries at the moment. Apparently Wukong's successor was training and hadn't been coming to work.

"Sweet boy, I brought you some food can I come in?" She asked softly her against the door to try to make even the quietest groan. However, the noise she'd ended up hearing caused her to open the door.

Red son was vomiting, her baby was throwing up and she wasn't even sure he'd been eating. As she entered the room, Red son wasn't on his bed thankfully, he was curled around a trash can.

She put the food on his nightstand and covered her mouth in shock at her baby's condition. He was so pale and his hair was a mess, clean but undone. He didn't even hear her come in. That little trashcan was almost full with stomach bile. She rushed to his side as he panted and was struggling to keep his head up.

How long had her poor baby been this sick? They'd been checking on him daily and he hadn't said a word. She put her hand on his shoulder and pulled him back in to her lap. He didn't stay there for long, not even a full minute before he was vomiting into the trashcan again.

"Darling why didn't you tell us you were this ill you need a doctor, maybe even a hospital stay!" Iron fan softly scolded before whistling for aid. She couldn't leave her poor baby alone like this. He needed his mother, he needed comfort, and support. She could give him that. Well she hoped.

Her husband soon peaked in the room and his faces paled seeing the situation.

" hurry get another trashcan he's almost filled this one" Iron fan as she turned her husband in a panic," get some medicine as well! Hurry love!"

She rubbed her son's very cold back as he vomited. She could hear Mowang running down the hall way to get what their baby needed. She tried to comfort Red son even in the slightest way possible but he only stiffened. It broke her heart to see him seemingly cling to consciousness as he threw up.

Thank the gods her husband quickly returned with a bigger empty trashcan and some medicine. During a moment of rest they rushed Red son into a more comfortable position. On his bed and the trash can next to it. Mowang had to force the medicine into their boy's system as he his hazy he was struggling against them.

As soon as their child as been able to sleep they left the room with the small trashcan filled with bile. Iron Fan started to cry as Mowang closed the door. Their poor baby boy.

---

Red son heard his parents walk away as he pushed himself up. Everything was off but he didn't care. He stumbled off his bed once he was sure they wouldn't hear him. He threw some clothes in to a bag and crawled out a window. He no idea how long he'd been out but he was going to leave so they wouldn't have to bother taking care him.

He didn't deserve it. As Red son got out side he realized it was night time. He took a moment to try and steady himself, then ran off into the night.

Head fuzzy, heart broken and barely able to stand. Not aware of the nightmare he'd sent his parents into the next morning.

[lxveille]

another love song

mk x reader

word count: ~ 2080 warnings: references to alcohol a/n: university!au; another ‘trying to get back into the feel of writing’ fic so... idk ?? tbh it’s more of a fic treatment but here’s what i’m posting anyway

Minkyun has gotten inspiration for his songs from you before. This one is different.

You’re nearly always the first person to place money into Minkyun’s open guitar case when he’s busking. 

More often than not, he tries to return your money once he’s packed up for the afternoon - but you refuse, and tell him he earned it. Then he usually spends more on you than you gave by buying you bubble tea or coffee before the two of you trek back to campus.

You’re not sure what you’d do with your Saturday afternoons if not for him.

You’d met Minkyun in a literature class your first year of university. At first it had been easy to write him off as a high school class clown having some difficulty adjusting to university expectations. Except that sometimes, when your professor would really dig into the themes of a text, he’d have something to share that would stick with you. A thought - sometimes chaotically explained - that would rumble around in your brain for a week, even. Eventually, you decided a proper introduction was in order. A fatal mistake, if you’d hoped to keep up some aloof, studious front. He had a way of warming others up, it turned out. You discovered he was friends with a number of people with unfriendly faces who somehow transformed into lighthearted, open books in Minkyun’s presence.  

You feel a little lighter around him, too. 

And on the days you don’t, he invites you to unburden. 

It became a common tableau: you sprawled out, exasperated, on the beanbag chair in his dorm room, ranting about anything that bothered you while he lay on his bed, half-propped up against the wall and strumming occasional notes on his guitar. A last complaint and a final chord, and then Minkyun would be on his feet with an idea of what the two of you should do to shake it out of your system for once and for all. Those plans only sometimes included just enough beer that the both of you were giddy and ready to laugh at anything. 

If Minkyun had to name one good reason to get drunk with you, it was this: it was the only time you’d sing. The very first time you let yourself break into song in front of him had been at a bar. It had been difficult to make out your voice over the speakers, but Minkyun heard. Maybe more important, though, was the way you swayed your shoulders and rocked into each syllable. 

He would tease sometimes that you ought to join him when he busked. He might make more with you joining in. 

“Ah, but then you’d have to split it with me, too,” you’d reply. You assumed, at least, that he must be kidding. 

It was spring the first time Minkyun asked you to listen to something original he’d composed. There was something personal about it that had never occurred to you when listening to a song before. For all the times you had watched him play, it was like looking at him from a new angle. Just as his commentary used to linger on your mind, his songs began to do the same.

 And in the winter of your second year, he asked if it’d be okay to use some of your own rants as inspiration in songs. 

“What?” you asked. 

“Just - the way you talk about the guys you’re getting over, and stuff like that. It could make for good lyrics.” 

“You’re going to quote me?”

“Well,” he lingered on the syllable, then broke into a dimpled smile. “No. But I don’t wanna take inspiration without telling you!”

So it happened that when he performed songs of his own, you sometimes began to recognize bits of your own infatuations and fallings outs weaved into his lyrics. The way he framed it, it usually made it easier to get over whoever had been behind the heartbreak. 

Minkyun isn’t busking today. The drizzle is enough that it wouldn’t be worth it. All the same, he spent the better part of the morning sending you messages asking you to come over. 

When you finally cave, you put on a front of unhappiness at the door, shaking out your umbrella before passing it over to his extended hand.

“I brought some stuff for my class so I can try to get work done like I’d planned,” you told him. 

He pouted for dramatic flair. “So you’re really just gonna act like you’re at your room at mine?”

“That’s what we agreed to! I told you I wanna get this reading done so I can just be hungover tomorrow without having to worry about Monday’s lecture.” 

“Damn, and people try to frame university drinkers as irresponsible.” 

“What can I say? I’m flawless,” you comment dryly as you pass into his room. 

“So you’re still going out even if the rain keeps up?” Minkyun asks. He settles into his usual spot near the foot of his mattress. You rummage through your bag for a textbook and your printed copy of the syllabus before finding a spot somewhere closer to the pillow. 

“Mm,” you affirm, “I think I’m officially entirely over Seungcheol, so it’ll be good for me to go out.” 

“Ahhh.” There’s something guttural and mischievous in the way he makes the sound. It’d be fair to expect some ribbing comment on how transparent you could be with these things. No such remark comes. 

It’s some time later, when you’re nearly done with your assigned reading, that Minkyun announces that he finished a new song recently. 

“Like one of your own?” you ask. 

He nods, and adds how he’d been thinking of playing it out this weekend if it hadn’t been for the poor turn in weather. 

You exaggerate a gasp. “You were going to share a song with a crowd before sharing it just with me?” There’s no real offence. It’s only a pattern that you’d noticed. Sometimes he’d say it felt needed, if only because he based part of the lyrics’ premise on your own experiences instead of his own. 

“I know!” Minkyun laughs airly. “Mother nature said not to, I guess!” 

“Well, are you going to play it now then?” You should tell him to wait until you’ve finished this chapter. That way you won’t entirely lose track of things. But you’re not infallible; and if there’s one thing you’re horrible at resisting it’s the chance to hear Minkyun play. 

He hops up from the bed to fetch his guitar. And he plays. 

It’s a love song, which doesn’t come as a surprise. Minkyun told you from the beginning - or at least when he first asked if he could take inspiration from your own heart’s tribulations - that he liked to write about that feeling. The good, the bad, or at the very least what he imagined of it. 

This song doesn’t feel familiar. Usually you can tell when he’s written indirectly about your own affairs. So these endearing words, these syrupy lines of dedication, of patiently waiting for the other one to notice… They must be from his own experience. 

A corner of your heart goes sour at that thought, and retorts that it might be one of his other friends. Devoted and hoping it won’t go unnoticed would be right up Yuto’s alley, you tell yourself as your search for a likely suspect. You don’t let yourself think too much on why you don’t want it to be Minkyun’s own feelings. 

Except there’s something else that bothers you. The way he keeps his eyes on his strumming fingers, or closes them altogether. 

Normally Minkyun looks at you now and then, and smiles at your reactions to his music. Even with the unhappy songs. 

You squeeze the textbook in your lap. A corner digs into your palm. He’s somewhere in the second chorus and your mind is fogging over with an irritation. It’s not his fault. You’re not mad at him. 

You just wish you had realized you want to fall in love with Minkyun sooner.

The last chord hangs in the air before you can fully process this thought. He looks at you expectantly. 

“What do you think?” Minkyun asks. 

You force a smile. “It’s sweet.” 

He leaves space for you to elaborate. When you don’t, the corners of his lips drag down a bit. “Just sweet?” He repeats. “Is it lame?” 

“No! It’s just - it’s different from some of your other stuff. But it’s sweet. I like it. I think, um… I just was expecting it to be something based on my whole recent back and forth thing. Since you wanted to play it for me,” you try to cover for your lackluster response. 

Minkyun looks you over for a moment, then chuckles. “Not every song can be about your love life.” 

“I know! Of course! Geez, that’s not what I meant,” you rush to say, loudly, as if you needed to cover the sound of some kind of fracture in your heart. 

He leans forward to set his guitar carefully on the tiles, its neck leaning against the bed frame. “I guess that’s not totally accurate to say here though.” He shakes his head to get his hair out of his eyes as he looks your way again. 

“...What?”  

“Ah… You’re pretty clueless, huh?” Minkyun sounds content with himself, and he’s barely holding back a grin. 

“I’ve never gone on like that about someone.” 

“Yeah, I know.”  

You eye him over a few times quickly, trying to reach a conclusion that feels safe. All you can theorize for sure is that he’s practiced this all, and somehow it’s going to plan. Maybe. “What are you on about?” you ask, tone turning suspicious. 

He laughs more fully now, then shifts his position to face you directly from the other end of his duvet. “You.” 

You glance around him like this could be some hidden camera prank. “What?”

“You,” Minkyun repeats, “It’s about you.” 

In the most foolish move of the day, you suddenly felt your throat dry out the same way it does before you cry. It must have been too much at once: to realize a desire and think it ripped away only to have it suddenly offered up so easily, so soon. 

“You’re not serious.” 

“Is it bad if I am?” he asks, leaning to the right a bit as he watches your reaction. You press your palm to your clavicle, trying to get your heart and your mind in sync. “Am serious, I mean.”  

All you can manage is a shake of your head. 

Minkyun grins bright and leans forward to put a hand over the one still at your side. “You really didn’t notice?” He pulls off incredulous and teasing in one go. If you weren’t so off kilter, you might want to scold him for it somehow. 

“What was I supposed to know?” You ask instead.

He shakes his head. For a fleeting instant, you worry he’s about to brush the whole thing aside. That worry is killed pretty quickly when he leans closer instead and delicately presses an experimental kiss against your lips. 

Minkyun is back to his side of the bed in the next moment, nearly like it hadn’t happened at all.  

Your hand lifts from your clavicle to allow your fingers to brush over your own lips, still tingly with the affection. Or maybe just from his lip balm rubbing off on you. 

He gives you a second more before asking, “Still okay?” 

“Um, yeah.” 

His smile returns. “Still going out to find someone new tonight?” 

“Oh my god.” You cover your face with your hands and accuse, “You’re the worst.”

“So… is that a yes, you are?” 

He knows it isn’t. 

He’s spent all this time getting to know you. Now he gets to be the one on the receiving end of that look in your eyes. 

“Would you stop that?” You muster up as much of a snip in your voice as you can. Your gaze gives away that you’re not really annoyed. It would be difficult to be, given the way your head is still spinning from his confession.    

“Stop what?” 

The smile on his face suggests he already knows. Nevertheless, you don’t give Minkyun the satisfaction of admitting he’s teasing you. “Just kiss me again,” you swerve to a demand. Frankly, it’s the main thing you’d been thinking since the first. You’ll figure out the rest of your feelings later. 

For now, Minkyun is hardly going to deny you that.

[tigerseye46]

Summary: In which after repeatedly believing Tang doesn’t care about him then receiving his attention after an accident that reveals he’s Sha Wujing, Sandy snaps. (Comes from the second scenario of this, will post the fic for the first scenario later)

Sandy was at his limit, so close to snapping and that didn’t happen, not with him. He was calm like a gentle wave but waves can ripple, be disrupted by some outside force causing the water to react almost violently before slowly returning to its tranquility.

And the thing disrupting him was Tang.

He liked Tang, he did, well love would be the more correct term for it. The scholar was knowledgeable, the amount of information that dripped from his lips could leave anyone in awe. He had a charm to him, a lively, bubbling personality that reeled Sandy in. Everything about him was beautiful and blinding and all Sandy wanted was a simple touch, a simple smile directed his way.

Tang never showed him much attention or affection, preferring to focus more on people worth his time and making small, snarky comments on the days Sandy chose to hang out with the group. It left the clear impression that the scholar could care less about him. An aching rang in his chest everytime it happened, all he wanted was a bit of affection.

And now he was getting it. Usually he would be overjoyed at finally getting what he longed for but the reason for it was not ideal.

Due to a recent adventure, the others had found out he was Sha Wujing despite his best attempts to hide that fact. There had been a mix of confusion and excitement then a promise that they would treat him the same, a promise that everyone except Tang had made.

Tang treated him rather differently, no longer treating him with scorn but amazement instead, all because he was Sha Wujing and not because the scholar liked him for him, only because he was a legend, it's the only reason he began to take interest in him.

“Sandy! Sandy,” Tang called, breaking the demon away from his thoughts.

“Yes, Tang?” He answered.

“You haven’t moved in a bit. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied. “I was just…” What was he doing? Oh, that’s right, he had been working on an invention that he thought would assist the group. “I was just checking the engine of this to see if it’s good enough.”

“Oh! Okay! As I was saying it was amazing that you-”

“Tang.”

“Yes, Sandy?”

“Shouldn’t you be at Pigsy’s right now?”

The scholar hummed as if he was briefly mulling over his answer before responding with an enthusiastic “Nope!”

Sandy held back a sigh, that was another thing that had changed, ever since the reveal the human had refused to leave his side, going on and on about Sandy’s adventures during the Journey to the West. He didn’t even go to Pigsy’s sometimes!

“Okay.” He wheeled himself out of the invention to face Tang who was staring at him with a smile that felt wrong. “Can you pass me that wrench?” He gestured to a wrench that sat still on the table.

“Of course!” He grabbed the wrench and passed it to the other, their fingers brushing together and pink dusting on the human’s cheeks that the fish failed to notice.

Sandy wheeled himself back under and used the object in his hands to tighten certain bolts. The human focused on him all sparkly eyed, happy to see him in his element. The whole scene made his heart beat wildly against his chest. He wanted it to be like this forever, just him and Sandy together.

He had liked Sandy for a long time, although he had never voiced it out loud. The other was helpful, kind and always there when you needed him. How could he not like him? He didn’t think he could like him more than he already did then it turned out he was Sha Wujing! Sha Wujing was so impressive from the legends even though he wasn’t necessarily the strongest disciple out there.

It made him a bit insecure to be in his presence since the other was so great. He was only a simple scholar despite his bravado, how could he possibly make Sandy look at him? Then he made a decision to use his knowledge to impress Sandy, it would show the demon that he knew a lot about him! He assumed it had been going pretty well based on the fact that the demon had been so sweet by letting him help out.

“You know it was so impressive when you killed that demon that tried to impersonate you!”

“Thanks,” he mumbled, he wasn’t exactly thrilled to be reminded of that old violent part of him.

“And then you alerted everyone! It’s really impressive.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled again, a twinge of annoyance and anger shot through him. Why was he only interested in him because of this?

“And when you first met the group, that was cool!” Sandy took deep breaths to calm himself down. Don’t snap. Don’t snap. “You were smart, you hid yourself in the water where the Monkey King couldn’t get to you! And you faced off against Zhu Bajie wonderfully! And-!”

He grinded his teeth together and used his feet to bring himself out from under his invention. He stood up rapidly with brows furrowed. “Ugh! Do you ever shut up?”

The scholar frowned and gave a broken “Wha-what?”

“It’s annoying,” he started, “like have you ever listened to your own voice? It’s grating and you bring up things I don’t care about. Going on about this and that. Also do you think I like being reminded of my past that often? I spent time trying to change and you want to bring up all that again!” His eyes flashed to symbolize his anger. “It pisses me off.”

This was a surprise. Tang thought he was doing well but apparently he had screwed something up. His bottom lip quivered and tears pooled his eyes. “I… I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you.”

The demon’s eyes widened, realization smacking him in the face. “Tang…” He stepped forward, taking a step back when the other flinched. “I didn’t mean to-!”

“It’s fine! I get it, totally! I won’t bother you again!” He mustered up a smile which wasn't hidden as small droplets fell from his face. “I promise, Sandy! I’ll leave you alone!”

“No, Tang. I-!”

“Bye!” He rushed off, leaving Sandy in a pool of regret. He attempted to go after him but the scholar was too quick and already gone.

He combed his fingers through his hair and sat down on his couch defeated. Mo nuzzled his leg and he left a gentle pat on his fur. “What am I going to do, Mo? I didn’t mean to snap. I hurt Tang!” Mo meowed and suddenly a light bulb went off in the other’s head. “Okay. I’ll just apologize when I hang out with the others tomorrow! Thanks, Mo! You’re great!” The cat puffed up his chest which made Sandy laugh.

The next day when Sandy saw the others, he made sure to hide any traces of his lack of sleep, too busy with finding the perfect way to make it up to Tang. Pigsy, MK and Mei were in a small circle chatting with each other while Tang was off to the side, rubbing his arm and looking down at the ground.

He approached them, then waved and yelled, “Hey, guys!” He directed his attention at the scholar. “Hey, Tang!”

“H-hi.” His shoulders were hunched and he hid himself behind the others, it shattered the demon’s heart, he made Tang scared of him.

The group noticed this exchange but remained silent. “Hey, Sandy,” Pigsy greeted. “Ready to go?”

“Yep! Where are we going? Because I think we should go to a bookstore!”

“A bookstore? Why that specifically?”

“Well Tang likes bookstores and they’re cool so we should go there!”

“Uhhhh… what do you think, Tang?”

“That’s fine,” he replied meekly.

The pig bobbed his head. “Okay, we’ll go there.”

They walked towards the bookstore with Sandy trying to get close to Tang but the human would only back away from him.

The entire day, Tang made sure to never be alone with him so they couldn’t talk properly. It continued like that day in and day out, he left the scholar a bunch of messages and calls when they weren’t around each other to apologize yet he wouldn’t answer, same with showing up at his apartment.

He heard a knock on his door late at night, he grinned, it might be Tang! He opened it to see Pigsy with a firm grip on Tang’s shirt, the human tried to scurry away. “Ummmm, hey…”

The pig rubbed the bridge of his snout with his free hand. “Hey… look I don’t know what’s been goin’ on with you two the past few days but you need to talk it out or else.” He shoved Tang into the inside of Sandy's boat.

“Pigsy,” Tang cried.

He waggled a finger at him. “I’m serious. Whatever this is has been goin’ on long enough. Fix it! “And if I see you walk out, I’m draggin’ your ass right back in,” he threatened and went away, slamming the other demon’s door shut.

“Tang…”

“I’m sorry, Sandy! I told him we shouldn’t come here but he wouldn’t listen!”

“It’s okay,” he assured. “Do you want some tea?”

“Sure. It wouldn’t bother you?”

“It’s no bother. Sit down.”

“Okay.” He sat on the couch, his hands on his lap, trying not to fidget.

Sandy sighed and made tea in a hurry then passed it to him.

“Thank you. I…”

“I’m sorry,” he cut the other off.

“Sorry for what?”

“Sorry for snapping at you.”

“No, it’s fine. Looking back at it, I was pretty annoying.”

“No, you weren’t. You were fine. I was the problem. I scared you.”

“You didn’t mean to.”

“That doesn’t excuse it. You deserve better than that. I… truth is…” He huffed. “The truth of why I acted like that is because I believed you didn’t care about me.”

“Huh?”

He sipped his tea and explained, “Ever since you found out I was Sha Wujing, you’ve been acting differently. You pay attention to me now, you never did that before and… it’s great you know but at the same time it hurts. You only look at me now because I’m Sha Wujing and not cause you actually like me for me.”

“What?” Tang hissed. “You thought I only liked you because you’re Sha Wujing?”

“Yea…”

Tang smacked him in the chest. “I don’t like you because of that! But did I really give you that impression? How?”

“Tang, you make snarky comments rather I hang out with you all or not.”

“I was joking… I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.”

“I know.”

“I’ve always liked you…”

Sandy stared at him wide-eyed. “What?”

“I’ve liked you for a while even before I knew your true identity. You’re just so sweet and kind. I didn’t know how to tell you then when it was revealed who you were, I wanted to impress you so I started spewing off every bit of your stories that I could.”

“Really?”

He bobbed his head. “Really. You're so cool and have been through so much and I haven’t… I wanted to make you like me.”

“Tang, I already like you.”

“Not as a friend, Sandy. More than that.”

“I like you as more than a friend.”

Tang’s cheeks turned pink. “Are you serious?”

“Yea! I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it.”

“Can- can I kiss you?”

Sandy choked and nodded. “Yea, I would love that.”

The scholar grinned and cupped his cheek with his free hand before leaning in and pressing a kiss to his lips which he returned, it was slow and sweet. “I love you,” the scholar confessed as they separated with their lips inches apart.

“I love you too. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

They kissed again, not paying attention to the chorus of meows that cheered them on.

[imaginesbymk]

“Someone New.”

Peaky Blinders One Shot

Summary: MK loves Luca unconditionally, but she has doubts whenever she thinks about how he makes a living, and she wonders if he ever loved her at all to begin with.

Pairing: Luca Changretta x Adult!Me (MK)

Tags: swearing & my really bad italian translations + my bad attempts of writing angst (inspo; this drabble)

A/N: this plot is so cheesy, and i know i don’t write au/personal imagines, but this is just a lil something i put together as a celebration for reaching 500 followers!!! one shots are not open! 

read my luca changretta x OC x tommy shelby fic Pink + White here.

THE cigarette butt was put out in the ashtray when MK occupied the study room. Luca promised her a fancy dinner date at one of the finest restaurants in New York City, but he was late. In fact, he wasn’t even home. He wasn’t dead for sure. He was smart enough to dodge that fate. Instead he was out somewhere in the busy streets, probably attending a meeting with a company MK does not know of, or maybe got too carried away with the attractions the city had to offer at night. Maybe it was another woman. Either way, her blood was boiling. 

MK was a floater. Booze was always kept in a cabinet that opened every now and then, but she never dove into the chaotic lifestyle of partying and prohibition. She never thought in a million years she would wind up falling for a man who had an equal fair share of both, as his business dealt with importing and exporting alcohol into speakeasies, and the people who worked with him were no stranger to weapons and violence. 

The theatre in New York City was packed and busy, but they met at the wrong place at the wrong time. MK snuck backstage to get a glimpse of the performers, and instead walked in on a different room. Luca was trying to negotiate a deal with the manager of the theatre, they exchanged witty comments at each other just enough to show things were about to end on, quite literally, a broken leg. 

Luca turned his head when he noticed at the corner of his eye that someone was watching them at the door, surprised to see a person who wasn’t looking for trouble for the first time. She looked too naive to hold a gun properly. He watched as the manager shouted at MK, asking what she was doing there since only employees and performers were allowed in the back section, and tries calling for security. 

“Okay, okay! I’m going!” she backed away, not before giving Luca another glance and taking off from where she entered.

She saw him again on a different night. She had completely forgotten about their previous awkward encounter, but when she saw the familiar face taking a seat next to her at the bar, she recalled seeing the look he had when they first made eye contact.

“Apparently a lady can’t drink at the bar alone. So can a gentleman join ya?” He smirks, the bartender pours him about three fingers of gin.

She was stunned to see him nights after that. New York City was wild, and men like him took many breaths away. She slowly nodded, not using her words.

Was she sure about this? The man seemed dangerous, and more experienced in anything than she’ll ever be. Of all the women that dolled themselves up for the occasion and looked tremendously beautiful and sexy, while she simply wore what she could afford at that time, why would he give his attention to her and not them?

After shyly looking down at her glass, she dared to look back at him. He was still looking at her. The butterflies in her stomach danced as if they were listening to the song the band was playing on stage. It was those eyes.

MK gave up and headed for bed since it was already late, and the restaurant Luca had the idea of taking her to was most likely closed by now. She shuts the lamp and buried herself under the sheets, bottling her frustration by just clenching her jaw. He was home when she woke up. She found him in the study in a change of clothes, his hair was falling forward post-gel, and his raspy voice spoke in Italian with the telephone pressed against his ear.

“Sono io. Diglielo che l’affare è ancora concluso.”

MK melted every time he spoke his mother tongue, this time she couldn’t bare to hear him speak. She was still upset about last night, she didn’t wanna speak to him, yet she had so much to say. She leaves him to wake herself up with coffee without the thought of preparing a cup for him too. Minutes go by and MK sips her beverage when she hears him enter the kitchen. Luca stands on the other side of the island counter, looking down at her mug.

“I’m just gonna boldly assume you didn’t make me coffee on purpose.”

“Buongiorno to you too, Luca.” She turns away so she couldn’t face him.

“MaryKate.” She felt an odd tingle in her spine. Luca almost never refers to her by her full name, not even by her other nickname, which was Kate. It was beyond weird. He walks over and cups her face. “C’mon. I’m sorry, okay? I got wrapped up with business. I was literally losing my mind because those bird brains couldn’t do simple math—”

MK was about as half ready to smash the half filled coffee mug on the floor. “My God, Luca. Business this, business that. It was your night off for the whole fucking week. You couldn’t make Matteo take over?”

Luca swore under his breath and walked back to his study.

“Where are you going?” she asks sternly.

“Back to work.” You gotta be fucking kidding me. MK watched him disappear back into the study room, and she let out a groan. The caffeine entering her bloodstreams increased her pounding heartbeat, but she quickly calmed herself when she followed him inside.

“Can I come with you to your next meeting?”

“Do you wanna meet Santa Claus too?” Luca said dryly.

“I’ve only been to one meeting. I can’t imagine the rush of power unless I’m there to feel it, and you won’t let me.”

“Yeah, damn fucking straight I won’t let you,” Luca cleared his throat. “That last meeting, those people tried to make you feel uncomfortable.” He looked up from his work from the desk and stared at MK. “I won’t let you see what’s really behind closed doors.”

But the few nights after took a whole different turn. MK wouldn’t listen, and managed to unlock Luca’s cabinet filled with his weapons, and picked out the one she thinks she was capable of using. She didn’t enjoy stealing, but proving to Luca she could be just like him and still be with him would bring them closer was on her mind. It ended with her sneaking up on the group of men Luca and his men were speaking to, and she pointed her gun at the presumable leader.

Luca’s eyes filled with dread as he froze in his spot, immediately recognizing her. Matteo grabbed the gun from MK, cursing in Italian how stupid she was and why she followed them. They were lucky the men backed down when they realized it wasn’t a good time just yet, but the worst wasn’t over.

Luca and MK’s shouts echoed their entire manor that it was enough for the neighbors to hear them.

“I can’t trust you anymore!” Luca shouted. “You realized what you could of done?! Putting yourself in danger like that?!”

“I wanted to protect you!”

“I don’t need your fucking protection!” he slams the table. “I didn’t need you to follow me, all right?” he began cursing in Italian, something MK was never able to fully understand his language one hundred percent. He held her by the shoulders. “If you ever do that shit again, I’ll—”

“You’ll what, Luca?” she pushes him. “Leave me? You’ve been pushing me aside, you forget our date nights, I end up sleeping in our bed alone, wondering if your body is laying dead on the ground! Do you have any idea how much that scares me? I get how insane it is being in the mafia, but if you can’t spare one night with me, then why am I here?”

“Y’know what, maybe you’re right. Why the fuck are you here?” MK looked at him with an icy shock. Instead of processing what he had just said, Luca turned to head back to his office. “When you gain back your fucking senses, let me know.” And he slams the door.

None of them spoke all day, too caught up in their anger to check up on each other. Luca occupied himself alone while MK wandered around the house, avoiding the corridor to his study. She checked his schedule, he had somewhere to be the following evening, no surprise. 

She stayed in the kitchen until she heard Luca’s footsteps descend from the stairs and out the front door. As soon as she heard his car drive off and having the house to herself once again, MK slides down the wall of the hallway and finally broke down into tears.

Once she calmed down, she walked up to their shared master bedroom, and packed everything she could carry in her suitcase. The last thing Luca said to her caused an aching pain in her chest. 

She could just walk out if she couldn’t take it, Luca could find another woman to sleep with without any issue. She wouldn’t be surprised if someone new entered his life a week after. It would hurt like hell, but it was the sad reality of it all.

MK walked out. No goodbyes. No telephone calls, no handwritten note, just an empty house.

_

HER old home was now owned by a friend of hers, and it contrasted the luxurious, spotless abode Luca let her stay in uptown. The taxi drive was quite long and she was exhausted, so she collapsed in the small bed, sleeping in the dress Luca had always loved seeing her wear. 

He spoiled her with riches and shared his aesthetic with hers, making sure she had her spot with fashion and art. In MK’s old home, it was decrepit. No one paid a visit because they hated the design, and no one saw her for who she really was, but Luca was different. He wanted her, and he got her. 

Days go by and MK still had the aching heartbreak in her chest as she entered downtown New York City at night to see a show in the grand theatre. She had to admit, she was bummed out when she saw how many people brought their lovers or husbands and wives to the show, and it seemed like she was the only one without either. She was alone.

MK picks up her pace and rushed inside to take her assigned seat and sighed in relief, staring at the red curtain on stage ready to come up and showcase the night, hoping to distract her from her inexplicable grieving.

The empty seat next to her was then taken, filling in the space between her and the next guest after. MK took in how the man’s fragrance was enriched and strong, and she could see the giant rings on his finger nearly covered some of the tattoos inked on his skin, including the crown tattoo on his hand, or the one on his neck which was a cross. His hat rested well on his lap and he hooked one leg on the other. His suit was clean as usual, and the cuffs on his wrist enclosed with the golden pressed buttons. 

No. Her heart raced as she turned to see his face. She was met with those eyes.

One thing she forgot to remember was the fact that Luca loved theatre, this was the theatre he usually goes to, and this was where they met. Of course he wouldn’t miss a show. He kept staring straight ahead as the loud cheers and applause erupted when the curtains rose. 

MK could barely pay attention to the performance. The tension rising between Luca’s presence and hers pressed together so tightly. He did this on purpose, MK thought. Fucking bastard!

Unless the last two empty seats were meant for them so coincidentally, as both of them bought solo tickets and wounded up next to each other. But this was insane. Luca was entitled enough to watch the shows up on the balcony for the best seats in the house, so why pick the orchestra seats?

It didn’t matter how, she never felt so uncomfortable in her entire life and couldn’t stifle her panic. 

Luca broke the ice, quietly talking over the music that transitioned to a slow chorus. “I made the owner arrange a seating. It was meant for another couple, but they never showed up.” He tries reaching for her hand when he noticed her tensing up. “MK, amore. calm down.” He looked at her with worry. “All right. I think we need to talk.”

MK broke out in an exhaled cry and got up. “Fuck this.” She carefully goes passed the seated guests before heading out the exit, running out of the theatre in tears until she could no longer breathe.

Luca chased after her onto the streets, pushing past people along the way. “MK, c’mon! Please don’t go.”

MK stopped and covers her face in her hands. “Don’t talk to me with that intimidating mafia shit, then!” Speak like a fucking human being, Luca!”

“Fine,” Luca pulled her from behind and held her. “I’m sorry.” He kisses her shoulder up to her neck. “I need you. It doesn’t feel right not having you here, MK.”

“You have far more important things than someone like me,” she says. “And you agree with that.” MK shivers, feeling the night cold and she hugs herself with her thin layered trenchcoat.

“You had nothin’ else to wear but that?” Luca’s eyes loomed over her outfit. “That’s not for winter.” He removed his long overcoat and wraps it around her. “You’re just as important as my work, and I didn’t take that seriously. I should of paid more attention.”

“You can’t just push me aside, Luca.” She turns around to face him. “Eventually, I’ll end up finding someone new, someone who won’t treat me like a second option.”

“I’d rather die.” Luca cupped her face. “I’ll do better, you hear me? God forbid if I ever neglect you again, I would never forgive myself.”

“Luca—”

“No. It’s hard to balance love and work, but I can’t just toss you away like that. You’re all the world to me.”

MK lookes down sadly. “Luca, I just know nothing will change. We’re so different.”

Luca shook his head. “That’s not gonna stop me.”

“But why?” MK asks. “There are women out there who would gladly take my place any day, and they’re ten times more experienced.”

“Sure, that may be true. But I can’t imagine spending my life with those women, sharing my home with them, waking up next to them, holding them, possibly having a future with them.” He lifts her chin. “Because I love you.” And he leans down, kissing her softly. MK wrapped her arms around him for support. He pressed his forehead on hers, his eyes still shut.

“I love you too, Luca.” The couple pulls away. “So, are we heading back inside?”

“Actually, there’s this restaurant I’ve been dying to take you to,” he smirks as he took her hand, and they began walking off down the streets of New York City, the lights blaring up on their bright faces like they were brand new.

_

tag list: @ladyxblake​ @lotsoffandomimagines​ @amirahiddleston​ @thethyri​ @woahitslucyylu​ @myriadimagines @obsessedunicorn24 @fangirlsarah16 @your-pixels-are-showing​

[phantasticworks]

If You Don’t Love Me, Pretend - Chapter One

it’s finally here, lads. buckle up, because it will be a long one. updating schedule is (tentative) weekly

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Summary: All his life, Dan has wanted to have the chance to be a parent someday. He would be the best parent that ever existed, he was sure of it. Fostering might not be the most traditional way on the road to parenting, but Dan's dead set on doing it anyway. But, well, it would be easier with a co-parent, right?

the self-indulgent, bed-sharing, fake relationship, friends-to-lovers, parent fic i was desperate to read; when i shouted into the void and was met with silence, i decided i'd do it myself

Warnings for this chapter: swearing, references to child abuse

If there was one thing that Dan had learned while working within the education system is that life sucked; and if you’re a kid, it seems to suck a lot more, just behind closed doors. He didn’t know if he was just jaded because he was an adult, and therefore life seemed to suck endlessly for him, or if it was because of the job he was stuck in. Being a school counselor hadn’t been exactly where he thought his career was going, but it was a job and it paid the bills, so he stayed.

That’s not to say he was unhappy with his job. Quite the opposite, actually, because if there was one thing he enjoyed, it was being useful, and helping students sort out what they wanted out of their lives felt like being useful to him. But, like every job, there were things he didn’t enjoy about it, specifically how hard it could be some days.

Today was one of those days.

A student, a sophomore girl called Charlotte, had come into his office during her study hall. He hadn’t been at all prepared for the conversation that followed.

“What’s up, Lottie? How’s band going? Did you land the flute solo in the winter showcase?” He had said cheerfully as he ushered her inside.

She shifted awkwardly in her seat, never taking her eyes off the floor, which was strange, even for a shy girl like Charlotte. “Um, yeah… Yeah, I got the solo, but I…” She begins mumbling, ducking her head down so that he can’t understand a thing she’s saying.

“Charlotte? What’s going on?” He spoke softly and encouragingly, not wanting to pressure her, but wanting her to be honest with him if there was something bothering her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Dan studying the shaking girl for a few beats before he realized she was crying. He quickly pushed the box of tissues towards her, encouraging her to take one. “I…” She starts quietly, choked up.

“Charlotte,” he speaks gently, causing her to look up at him, her eyes red and watering. “I can’t read your mind, sweetheart. I won’t know how to help if you don’t tell me what’s going on.” He gestures to the tissues before settling back in his chair slightly. “Take your time, just know I’m here to listen.”

It’s a few agonizing moments of silence before she finally speaks. When she does, it’s not what he’s expecting in the slightest. “They’ve been hurting me.” Her voice is almost entirely inaudible, but Dan catches it in the complete silence of the room anyway, although after he processes what she’s said he wishes he hadn’t.

“Who?” he asks, swallowing around the growing lump in his throat uncomfortably as he tries desperately to hope that she doesn’t mean what he thinks she means. He had been expecting bullies in her classes, or a break up, or maybe even just bad grades. He had not been prepared for this.

“My mum’s boyfriend… and, well, I guess her too…” She trails off, but her eyes immediately snap back up to his. She rushes to clarify, “she hasn’t touched me, but she...”

Dan clears his throat, straightening up in his seat. “What does she do when he does this?” He asks gently, his voice serious.

Charlotte looks down again, her blonde hair falling over her face, before whispering, “Nothing. She does nothing.” She’s fully crying again, and he suddenly realizes she’s got a hand covering her wrist tightly. He gets a horrible, sick feeling in his stomach as he rises, moving around the desk to sit beside her.

“May I?” He asks softly, gesturing to her hand.

She studies him for a moment before nodding hesitantly. She tugs the sleeve of her shirt up slowly, and Dan suddenly feels himself go lightheaded. There are purple markings all around the wrist of her left hand, and he can tell there’s some further up her arm.

He clears his throat twice before speaking, trying to recall exactly what he needs to do. Call the police, for one. Child abuse was entirely illegal, obviously, and since she came to him with the information voluntarily he had to report it to the authorities. He hated to think about what kind of effect it would have on her, though. He’d been reading up on foster care more and more recently, as he had always wanted to do it himself, but he was sickened to think that this girl might end up in a bad home.

“We’ll have to report them to the authorities. You’ll have to tell them exactly what you’ve told me. Do you think you’ll be able to do that?” Dan asks her seriously, watching her face for any signs of regret or fear. Surprisingly, she does look frightened, but almost determined, too.

“Yes. I have to. My brother… my little brother got…” She bites her lip, which had been trembling furiously the whole time. Dan hands her another tissue and gently rubs her back in a soothing pattern. “He got hit last night. I can’t… I can’t let that happen again.”

Dan nearly chokes, his own eyes beginning to water. He had met her little brother Andrew at the beginning of this year when Charlotte had gotten in trouble for being late for school. She was walking him to the primary school just across the street since their parents had just dropped them both off at the secondary school building. When one of the teachers on duty saw this, he’d had a fit and tried to give her a detention, but Dan had stepped in and suggested that maybe they look at it from a different angle. The child had been terrified and clinging to Charlotte the whole time, thinking it was his fault that his sister was in trouble.

He was so furiously against any kind of child abuse or neglect, and the idea that her sweet little brother, who was barely six years old, had gotten hit by this man… well, it made Dan sick. He tried not to show his emotions to the girl, since he was supposed to be the mature, responsible adult in this situation.

“You’re very brave for telling me about this, Charlotte. I just want you to know that this is going to be difficult, but you did the right thing. I’m going to get Mrs. Pentland and let her know that we’ll be calling the police. Can you sit in here until I get back?” He asks the girl, rising from his seat when she nods slowly.

Just as he’s walking towards the door, she speaks up again. “Can I…” She stood up unsurely, and without her even speaking, Dan knew that she just needed a hug.

“Of course,” He said gently, wrapping his arms around her. He gently patted her head, his heart breaking as she cried in his arms. He hated this part of his job, seeing kids so young being so hurt.

“Thanks.” She whispered when she finally stepped away, rubbing under her eyes. “Really. Thank you, Mr. Howell. I don’t think I would have been able to tell anyone else.”

Again, Dan’s heart broke for her. He didn’t let her see that, instead smiling briefly and reminding her he’d be right back before stepping into the hallway to find their headmistress and let her know what had happened. He takes a minute to be fifteen again, hear the boom of his father’s voice and doors slamming, hard, before shuffling down the hall, off to do his job to the best of his ability.

~~~

When Dan finally manages to leave work that evening, he’s exhausted. The talk with the police and the case worker who had come along was long and tiring, but more so for Charlotte and her brother Andrew, he was sure. He felt awful about the whole thing, but sadly it was out of his hands. The case worker told him it was likely that they would be removed from the home and placed either with a family member or in a foster home. He tried his best to argue with her, saying that there was no way they could know if the foster home would be any better.

She subtly told him to mind his own business.

As he’s shoveling his papers into his messenger bag, his phone beeps with a text. He’s unsurprised to see that it’s from his best friend.

Phil: Mario kart marathon tonight?

Phil: I’ll buy pizza

Dan barely smiles at the message, but he’s too tired for any gaming. Pizza, however, did sound good. He texts him back before he finishes gathering his things.

Dan: raincheck on mk but dominos sounds good  

Dan’s not even surprised when his phone beeps again less than a minute later.

Phil: uh oh  

Phil: Rough day?  

Dan: you have no idea

His phone doesn’t immediately go off again, so he finishes gathering up his things and heads out, locking the door to his office on the way. He’s unsurprised to see that Louise, the headmistress and one of his close friends, had already left for the day. She had two kids, one being a new baby, so he wasn’t surprised that she had wanted to get home to them as soon as possible. He sighs, because as usual, he’s the last person to leave. It’s almost sad, but he likes to think it’s because he just really cares about his job and not because he doesn’t have a social life.

Walking to his car, he groans when his phone begins to ring. He pulls it out as he unlocks his car and tosses his bag in, sliding the answer button when he sees who it is.

“Hey,” Phil’s quiet voice fills the line. Dan can tell he’s trying to be careful and gauge his mood, considering Domino’s was usually their comfort food when something particularly bad had happened.

“Hi,” Dan responds, slamming his door a little too harshly before starting the car and pulling out of the parking lot in one quick motion. “So, Domino’s okay with you?” he asks tentatively, unsure if Phil’s offer to hang out still stands if Mario Kart is off the table. He seriously doubted it, but he feels like he can’t blame Phil if he wants to skip out on this particular mood that he’s in.

“Of course. I’ll order it to be sent to yours and meet you there in about fifteen?” Phil sounds soft and gentle, and Dan finds himself wanting to cry all over again after the day he’s had.

“Yeah, okay. You may beat me there, I’m just leaving work.” Dan would never turn down a chance to hang out with his best friend, even if his day had been shit and he was feeling like he’d be the worst company in the world.

“Alright. Want me to set up a movie?” Phil knew him so well, he wasn’t even questioning that Dan wasn’t in the mood for video games, and just accepted that this was one of those times where Dan just needed some passive entertainment and a load of carbs.

“Yeah, something I can cry over.” He suggests, looking at his side mirror before making a turn. He doesn’t elaborate, and he knows that Phil will understand, he always does.

“Okay. See you there.” He waits for Dan to respond in a similar fashion before the line goes dead. Dan sighs, setting the phone down on his lap, chewing his lip as he drives home. His thoughts are clouded with the events of today and his chest feels entirely too heavy. He knows that if he can just have a minute to cry it out, he’ll feel better.

When he gets to his flat, he’s unsurprised to find the door unlocked, the sound of the tv greeting him as he walks through the door. “I’m home!” He calls out, so he doesn’t freak Phil out when he walks into the lounge. He drops his bag off in the dining room, tossing his jacket onto the back of one of the chairs, rolling the sleeves of his button-down shirt up as he walks up the stairs into the lounge where he assumes Phil will be.

He smiles almost against his will at the scene he finds. Phil is curled into one end of his sofa with his laptop out, probably ordering the pizza, Dan’s fuzzy blanket covering his lap, his glasses askew on his face. He’s wearing an ugly sweater that he probably thought was really cool, which Dan finds endearing, if slightly annoying. He looks up as Dan enters the room, a small smile covering his face.

“Hi,” Phil says softly, studying Dan, as if he’ll be able to tell what had happened today just by looking at him.

“Hi,” Dan mimics, walking over and dropping onto the sofa beside him. He drops his head onto the backrest, staring up at the ceiling, feeling Phil’s stare burn into him.

There’s a moment of silence before Phil decides to prompt him again. “So,” he says, lightly knocking his knee against Dan’s. “Do you want to talk about what’s got you so upset?”

Dan shakes his head slowly, his eyes not straying from the spot of ceiling he’s currently memorizing. He knows he should, and that if there’s anyone he can talk to it’s Phil, but he feels like if he opens his mouth to speak, he’ll start sobbing. He’s not sure he’ll ever stop if he does.

“Okay,” Phil says slowly, shifting. He seems to be pondering something before he taps Dan’s thigh. “Would you like some tea?”

He very nearly rolls his eyes at this suggestion; they’re so British it hurts sometimes. Instead, he shrugs. “Hot chocolate?” he requests softly, glancing over at Phil, hoping that his best friend will take sympathy on him and make him a mug.

Phil grins as he stands up. “Coming right up, with four marshmallows.”

Dan’s relieved to be left alone for a moment, watching as Phil retreats downstairs to the kitchen. It’s not like he really wanted to avoid discussing what had happened, he just felt that he needed a moment to process it in the comfort of his own home before sharing it.

He doesn’t have to wait long before Phil’s elephant feet are stomping up the stairs, two mugs of hot chocolate in his hands when he enters the lounge. He hands one to Dan before settling onto the sofa, pulling the blanket over himself before looking at Dan expectantly. “So?” he says gently.

Dan knows he isn’t about to force him to speak about it if he really doesn’t want to, but he also knows what Phil knows; it would be so much better for him to speak about it to someone, and the only person he could really confide in was right there. Still, he’s silent for a minute, swallowing hard before whispering, “I had to report a girl’s parents to the authorities for child abuse today.”

His words sit heavy in the air between them, and Dan feels as if he’s suffocating under their weight. He takes a deep, steadying breath, or tries to, at least. It comes out staggered, and he squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to cry. He hadn’t watched a sad movie yet. Dan didn’t just sit around crying for nothing, at least not with company. His mind laughs at this, supplying the idea that Phil has seen him in much worse shape before. Dan kindly asks that little voice to take a hike.

Phil clears his throat, and when Dan tilts his head to look at him, he’s surprised to find Phil looking out the window, his mouth set in a thin line. He hated the idea of child abuse as much as Dan, and Dan suddenly feels guilty about telling him. He didn’t want Phil to feel sad or guilty over it, since it wasn’t his problem. Just as he opens his mouth to apologize for bringing up such a heavy topic, he feels Phil’s hand come to land on his leg, just above his knee.

Dan’s gaze drops to his hand, and Phil squeezes gently, causing Dan’s gaze to dart up to his.

Phil smiles sadly. “I’m so sorry you had to do that, Dan. I… I can’t imagine what that must have been like.” His friend sounds so sincere, and Dan has to look away, trying to get a grip on his emotions.

“It sucked,” He whispers.

“I know.” Phil responds, squeezing his leg again. He goes to speak again, but just when he does, they hear a loud buzzer, indicating the pizza delivery guy is there. Phil releases his grip to stand and goes to buzz the guy into the building. “I’ll be right back,” he says quietly before taking his wallet and going downstairs to get the pizza and pay the delivery guy.

Dan sighs before rising to go change out of his work clothes. He was already beginning to feel uncomfortable in the stiff-collared shirt that he was wearing. Unbuttoning it as he trudges down the stairs, he’s a little too lost in his head to realize that Phil is turning the corner with the pizza boxes before they nearly run into each other.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” Dan mumbles, going to steady the boxes in Phil’s hand. He had ordered pizza and chicken nuggets, as well as cookies. He must have predicted how bad Dan’s day had been while they were on the phone, which Dan is grateful for.

“It’s fine. Go change, I’ll grab us something to drink.” Phil glances down at Dan’s hands, which are still undoing buttons, and Dan flushes when he realizes that he’s basically just walking around stripping. He avoids Phil’s eyes as he ducks into his bedroom to get his pajamas on. He reminds himself that Phil has seen him shirtless, they used to live together, after all. That had been so long ago, it seemed.

Back when Dan was contemplating dropping out of uni and Phil convinced him to switch majors instead. His family hadn’t been thrilled of course, but Dan knew that if it hadn’t been for Phil, he wouldn’t have finished university at all. Or finished anything at all, for that matter.

Dan had been in an incredibly bad place for years when Phil came into his life, and the raven-haired dork would probably never realize how drastically he had changed Dan’s entire life. But after living together for about three years, Dan had moved into his own place. Although it hadn’t been life-altering in terms of their friendship, things had been really weird and hard to adjust to at first, although Dan definitely didn’t regret it now. He had gotten a fairly good deal on his current flat, and they lived close enough they saw each other nearly every day anyway, just like best friends do.

By the time Dan manages to get into his pajamas and work himself out of his thoughts and up the stairs, Phil has already got their plates out and drinks poured. Dan smiles tiredly as he drops to the sofa beside him, tugging the chicken nugget box towards him and tearing the lid off, making Phil roll his eyes.

“I cannot believe you still do that.” His voice is light and teasing, which Dan thinks is good for while they’re having dinner. He can’t handle heavy conversation while he’s trying to eat.

Shrugging, Dan nods to the tv. “What’re we watching? Did you pick out something good and sad?” He tries to joke, but his voice sounds flat, even to his own ears.

Phil shrugs, studiously avoiding Dan’s gaze as he organizes their fair array of dips on the coffee table. “You can pick something else if you aren’t up for it.” He shrugs again.

Slightly suspicious but not enough to be alarmed, Dan tosses the trash from the boxes he’s ripped apart to the side, looking at Phil again. “Is it The Notebook?” When Phil shakes his head, Dan shrugs and turns to the dips, peeling off the lids. “Then it’s fine.”

After a moment, Phil sighs and grabs the remote, pressing play, causing the previous screensaver to change to the movie he’d picked. Dan almost chokes when he realizes what it is, but he shrugs when Phil looks at him in concern. “This is fine. I like this movie.” His lip curls up into a small smile, but he knows his dimple isn’t showing.

“We can change it. I wasn’t thinking about- I didn’t realize what had happened today, Dan. I seriously don’t mind if you want to change it.” His best friend shifts on the sofa, trying to catch Dan’s gaze.

“It’s fine. I haven’t seen this in a while, and it’s a good movie. Sandra’s a good actress, even if she looks weird as a blonde.” He tries to crack a joke, but Phil doesn’t react.

After a few minutes where Dan is actively avoiding looking at Phil as Phil does nothing but stare at him, he hears the older man sigh, before pressing play, allowing the movie to begin.

Dan glances at the tv, then at Phil, sending him a small smile, assuring him that he’s fine. Phil smiles back, although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Dan knows his friend is just worried about him, but he feels that just avoiding how he feels about what happened will just be counterproductive. At least, that’s probably what his therapist would say.

So instead of digging himself into a hole of sadness and guilt, he sits back with his plate of delicious food on his sofa with his best friend and tries to enjoy The Blind Side in all its glory.

~~~

An hour later, and Dan is slightly reconsidering his earlier thoughts. The food is long gone by now, so Dan is left with nothing to distract himself with from the emotional aspects of the movie. He had already teared up at the scene where Michael said he had never had a bed, and now his eyes were threatening to spill over again as the graduation scene is happening.

Phil has noticed, and while he tries not to be so obviously worried, at one point he pulled Dan’s legs into his lap, which Dan has to admit does help slightly, if only because the physical contact tethers him to something real and tangible in this world. Dan tries not to sniffle too loudly, but he’s not sure how well he’s doing, given Phil is shooting him glances every few minutes.

Graciously, Phil allows him to cry in quiet, but he crushes any hopes that Dan had that he hadn’t full noticed when he hands him the box of tissues that Dan keeps on the end table beside Phil.

“Thanks,” he whispers wetly.

This time, Phil doesn’t even bother pretending he’s paying attention to the tv, keeping his sole focus on Dan. “Are you okay?” He asks softly, one arm coming up on the back of the sofa while the other rests across Dan’s calves.

Dan nods too quickly, and Phil tilts his head at him in disbelief. Sighing, Dan tilts his head to rest against the back of the sofa and studies a thread coming out at the top while he ponders over Phil’s question. “I want to foster.” He announces quietly.

Phil’s eyebrows furrow at this, and he glances at the tv. The movie is coming to an end, so he apparently decides it’s fine to put the sound on mute for this conversation. “Like you want to be a foster parent?” Phil asks for clarification, studying Dan in that careful, attentive way that he has.

Dan wraps a clean tissue around his index finger as he nods, still avoiding long periods of eye contact with Phil. “Yeah. I want to help kids who don’t have anyone. I just… I get so mad at them, Phil.” He seethes, steadily becoming more emotional and enraged as he just thinks about Charlotte’s situation, and others like hers. She certainly wasn’t the first person who had come to Dan about something like this, but she was the first who he hadn’t expected, as he had seen no warning signs prior to that.

Phil rubs circles onto Dan’s calves, seemingly without noticing it, his eyes focused on Dan’s face. “Mad at who, Dan?” Phil asks, his expression slightly confused.

“The parents, Phil. All these shitty fucking parents who don’t know how to take care of their kids. I could do so much better than them. I just… I feel like I’m not doing enough with the career I’ve got. I want to do something, you know? I want to make an impact in someone’s life.” Dan is slightly aware of the way he’s basically rambling at this point, but he isn’t quite sure where to stop.

Phil looks unsure as he speaks. “Dan, you have an impact on the lives of all the kids you work with.” He hesitates before his eyes drift to his hands, on Dan’s legs. “You’ve had an impact on mine,” He says softly. Dan isn’t sure he heard him right, so he moves on.

“That doesn’t count.” He thinks he sees a flash of hurt on Phil’s face before it’s quickly covered up by a look of concern. “I know that what I’m doing at the school isn’t, like, a total waste of time, but I just… I just want to do more. I want…” he takes a deep breath before continuing. “I want to be able to be someone’s parent because I want to be the kind of good parent that mine never were.” His voice is near inaudible by the end of that, but he knows Phil has heard by the way his face falls, a soft look coming over his features.

“Oh, Dan.” He sighs, shifting closer to Dan so that the younger boy is nearly in his lap, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Dan hadn’t realized how desperately he needed that hug until he feels Phil breathe, and then feels as his hand comes up to stroke his back soothingly.

And then, Dan’s crying, just like he figured he would tonight. It had been a long time since he’d been held this way, but Phil was his best friend in the whole world, and so if anyone was going to be there for this slight meltdown, he was glad it was Phil. His best friend gently rubs his back with one hand, the other petting his hair. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s torso in response, openly sobbing at this point.

Dan isn’t sure how long they sit like that, with Phil whispering that everything would be okay, before he finally realizes how gross he feels, gently disentangling himself from Phil, putting some space between them as he wipes at his eyes. “Thanks,” Dan says wetly. “I think-” he pauses, his eyes widening as his attention suddenly drawn to the stain on Phil’s jumper from his snot and tears. He brings his own sleeve up to his nose, wiping away the snot he’s embarrassed to realize has collected there. He can’t help but make a face, waving the sleeve as if that’ll clean it off. “Er- sorry about your jumper,” he mumbles.

“It’s fine. I know you think this one’s ugly anyway. Probably did that on purpose, if I had to guess.” Phil jokes quietly, causing Dan to laugh before gently shoving Phil in retaliation.

“Nope, you have no proof of that.” Dan shrugs innocently.

Phil quirks an eyebrow before gesturing to the jumper to indicate that it is the evidence, and Dan only shrugs in response.

They sit in silence for a few moments before Dan finally speaks up again. “I think… I think tomorrow I’m going to call a fostering agency.” He says softly, looking down at his hands.

Phil looks at him, nodding slowly. “Yeah?” He prods gently, waiting to see if Dan would elaborate.

He does. “Yeah. I’ve… Well, I’ve actually looked into a few already, but I’m going to call one tomorrow and see if I can get the process started. I read that it can take up to six months, and I really want to do this.” He chews his lip before speaking again, glancing up at Phil timidly. “You’ll, like, still hang out, right? Like, this won’t completely destroy our friendship if I do this?” He asks, worrying his lip as he waits for an answer.

Phil frowns. “Of course, it won’t. Dan, if you want to do this, I support you. I’ll be there to help you, whatever you need. Okay?” He ducks his head to catch Dan’s gaze.

Dan nods slowly, smiling tiredly. “Thanks, Phil.” He glances at the tv, which has long since turned off due to inactivity. He checks his phone on the table next, surprised to see that it’s already pretty late, and he’s had a long day. “I think I’m gonna head to bed. Are you staying over?”

Phil checks his own phone, shaking his head. “Nah, I’ve gotta be at work kinda early tomorrow, don’t wanna wake up even earlier to get home and get ready.” He stands up, glancing down at Dan. “Unless you need me to stay?” He studies Dan intently, his blue eyes searching for any hint of uncertainty.

Dan shakes his head quickly before standing as well, clearing the coffee table. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine. Just needed a cry, I guess.” He shrugs casually before nodding to the table. “Mind helping out before you leave?”

Phil nods, bending to collect the dishes they used while Dan gathers up their trash. Phil heads downstairs to the kitchen to drop off the dishes while Dan tosses the trash into the bin. After washing his hands, he finds Phil already by the door, tugging his shoes on. Dan holds his keys out for him, smiling when Phil studies him with a frown on his face, clearly worried.

“I’m fine, Phil. I promise. Just had a bad day, that’s all. And we watched a freaking sad movie. But I’m fine.” Dan pushes the keys into Phil’s hand before opening the door for him since he’d have to lock it behind him. Although Phil had a key, Dan always preferred to do it himself, so he knew for sure it was locked. He was paranoid like that sometimes.

Phil seems to take a moment to consider what Dan said before stepping through the door. He turns back around to say goodbye and catches Dan slightly off guard when he pulls him into a hug. Neither of them had anything against showing physical affection, as being best friends for nearly ten years definitely did that for a person. Still, it wasn’t often that they hugged each other goodbye.

The surprise doesn’t stop there, however, as before Phil steps away, he brings his lips up to Dan’s forehead, pressing them lightly against his hairline, so briefly that Dan would almost think he’d imagined it, if it weren’t for the unmistakable feeling of lips against his skin. “Night, Dan. Call me if you need anything.” And with that, Phil is off, down the hall and out of sight before Dan can even close the door.

After locking it and setting the alarm, he stumbles to bed in a daze, his head swirling with a million different thoughts. The loudest of which, shouting Phil just kissed you! On the forehead, but he kissed you! The thought isn’t entirely unwelcome, as he’s still processing the oddity that that level of affection between them was. With that thought, others begin flooding his mind, most of them flashbacks to a different time, nearly ten years ago, an October full of first meetings and uncertainty and flirty banter and warm smiles.

While that time seemed so far away now, this evening’s events were causing a whole barrage of memories long since buried in Dan’s mind to resurface. He tosses and turns in bed, struggling to find a good, safe place to let his thoughts drift to as he tries to sleep. One thing is certain, though. After all that thinking, Dan goes to sleep that night with thoughts of blue eyes and Ferris wheel rides swirling in his head.

~~~

The next day is a Thursday, and Dan is nearly bursting with nervousness as he settles into his office for the day. He’s already checked with Louise about Charlotte’s situation, but she didn’t know much. They were informed that Charlotte and her brother wouldn’t be in school for a few days, but that was it. It was incredibly ineffective to yank the children out of their routine, Dan thought, but it wasn’t like he had any real control now. It was entirely up to the case workers and the system now.

He sighs as he sorts his paperwork out on his desk, fishing out the things he’d need today for the few meetings he had, as well as a black journal that he had been keeping all the information he’d found about fostering. There wasn’t much to do at the moment, given he had about an hour before his first meeting of the day, so he decided to go through and pick a foster company to start the process with.

After scanning the websites of the three companies he had on his list, he eventually decides to go with one called Bridge the Gap, partially because they had earlier office hours than the others, but also because he liked the layout and design of their website. Leave it to him to be nerdy enough to consider graphic design when going into a situation like this. He double checks that his door is firmly shut before dialing the number on his cellphone, his stomach twisting with nerves.

The phone rings twice before a cheery voice picks up. “Bridge the Gap Foster Care, this is Kacey, how can I direct your call?”

Dan stumbles with his response, as he hadn’t expected such a prompt and efficient person to pick up the call. “Uh, yeah. I need to speak with a case worker about fostering? Er- I’d like to start, I mean, and so… Yeah.” He finishes lamely, clenching his eyes shut in frustration at how totally unprepared he feels.

The girl on the other end just laughs good-naturedly. “Then you’re in the right place. Give me just a second, and I’ll put you through to one of our caseworkers.” Dan responds with an affirmative, and then the sound of soft music begins playing. He perks up when he recognizes the tune as Clair de Lune. Just from that, he decides that he’s made the right decision. He begins doodling on the large calendar on his desk, a dog, and then a cat, followed by little stick children. He stops when he realizes he’d unintentionally drawn two children, a boy and a girl, beside a little figure of himself.

The wait isn’t too long, and before he knows it, the music is drifting away, and another voice is speaking. “Good morning, sir, I was told you were interested in speaking to someone about becoming a foster carer?” The voice is Irish, which takes Dan aback for a second, as the other girl had been incredibly posh.

“Er- yes. My name is Daniel Howell and I read on the website that this was the best way to get started?” He doesn’t mean to make it sound like a question, but it absolutely sounds that way. He has to remind himself to stop worrying so much about how he sounds. This person doesn’t know him yet, no need to freak out any more than he already is.

“Well, hello, Daniel, my name is Hazel Hayes, and I’m glad you called. It definitely helps to get the process started over phone rather than in person, so we have time to gather paperwork and things like that. So, have you done any research on foster care yet? Or are you calling to get more information?” Her voice is friendly but serious, as if she’s done this long enough to gauge that it’s usually one of the two options.

“I’ve actually done my research this time,” Dan laughs softly. “I’ve always felt pretty strongly about wanting to do this, and I’m not exactly getting any younger.”

Hazel laughs good-naturedly with him, and he hears the sound of papers shuffling as if he’s on speaker. His anxiety spikes slightly at the thought before getting over it. This person doesn’t know him, it’s ridiculous to be paranoid about his voice. “Right, right. Well, normally I like to ask a few questions, and sort of go from there seeing if you qualify to start the process. Is that alright with you?”

Dan nods before realizing she can’t see him. “Yes, that’s fine.” He sits back in his seat slightly, crossing one ankle over his other leg. Might as well get comfortable if he’s about to be interrogated.

“Right, so how old are you, Mr. Howell?” Hazel sounds friendly but business-like, and he wonders briefly how much she has seen in her line of work. She sounds happy and nice but working in the foster system had to have its downfalls.

“I’m twenty-seven.” He responds, glancing around his office absently. He needs to get some photos or something to put in here, he realizes as he studies his sparse desk. He’s got motivational posters and some bookshelves in this room, but it’s fairly impersonal otherwise. The only picture he does have is a selfie of himself and Phil from a holiday they took to Japan a few years back, and that’s attached to his filing cabinet with a magnet.

He tunes back into the conversation when Hazel asks another question. He barely catches the humming sound she makes when he tells her his age, but he’s more prepared for the next question. “Are you employed, Mr. Howell? And if so, could you give me a range of your income?”

“I am. I work as a guidance counselor at Queensbury Secondary School,” he pauses before responding with his salary, which admittedly wasn’t too impressive, but it was enough for him. Hazel makes a similar noise as she had before, which is beginning to make him slightly nervous.

“Right… Okay, a little different now, but how would you say your support system is? Do you have family, perhaps some close friends who would be available for support within the home?” Hazel questions, sounding almost as if she’s bringing the questioning to an end. He was surprised, as he had expected something fairly different during this call.

“Oh, um. My family’s in Reading, actually.” He hesitates, unsure if this is really something she needs to know. “And I’m pretty introverted generally, so uh, I’ve got a couple of friends who would probably be my support system, I guess.” He hates how hesitant he sounds, but he’s unprepared for this kind of question entirely.

“Well, Mr. Howell,” Hazel begins, sounding like she’s about to deliver some sort of unfortunate noise.

Dan can’t stand the anxiety he feels, and he cuts her off. “Call me Dan, please.” He feels as if she’s about to dash his hopes, he’d like to be addressed by his first name.

“Dan, I want to be honest with you.” Hazel suddenly sounds far less happy, and more tired now, as if she’s drained. “It’s hard to find good foster parents these days, you probably realize this if you’ve researched it. That said, there are certain… qualities, I suppose you could say, that generally ensure that a potential foster carer will be more likely to be approved.”

This sounds a lot like one of those speeches where someone is let down gently, but Dan wants the cold, hard facts, not bad news wrapped up in a pretty bow to distract from the fact that it’s still bad news. “I’m not sure I follow. From everything I read, there wasn’t much you could get disqualified for. Sexual orientation, religion, even the factor about employment didn’t appear to be a problem.” He feels as if he’s jumping the gun with how defensive he sounds, but he honestly can’t help it. He’s wanted this for so long, it wasn’t fair that it could just be taken away so quickly.

Hazel sighs as if she expected this to be his reaction. “I understand, and that’s not quite what I’m saying.”

There’s a pause, and Dan drops his leg, leaning forward to prop his elbows on his desk, one hand holding the phone up to his ear while he places his chin in the other. “Well, please, feel free to elaborate.” He says almost bitterly.

“The factors you mentioned don’t disqualify someone, you’re right. And I���m not saying you are disqualified, but there are factors that can make getting approved harder, and I wouldn’t want to allow you to start this process with false expectations.” She pauses as if she’s waiting for him to process before she continues. “The fact that you’re quite young, by our standards at least, is something to consider. The age is twenty-one and up, but generally the people who get approved the fastest are people who are around thirty or older. Another huge factor is support. This isn’t like fostering puppies, Dan. You will have a child’s life in your hands, and it’s crucial to have a healthy support system around you in order to make sure that you are able to take care of the child to the best of your ability.”

Dan is reeling, as this feels an awful lot like a rejection. His thoughts are racing, stumbling for something, anything that can fix this. Hazel’s talking again before he can think of anything to intervene with.

“And the fact that you’re single, well… We don’t discriminate on the basis of relationship status, but typically couples who decide to foster are generally approved easier than singles, simply because of the fact that two parents allow for more reprieve and a better support system for the child…”

Dan’s sure Hazel keeps talking, but he’s stuck on what she said about him being single. He knows she’s right, but she hadn’t asked, and he hadn’t said any different. His conscience is screaming at him not to do what he’s thinking of doing, but he shoves that little voice in a drawer in his mind, blocking it out. He thinks it’s a shot in the dark, sure, but he did have someone who had promised to support him and do anything he could to help…

“Wait, wait. Sorry, there must have been a misunderstanding. I’m not single.” He interrupts Hazel’s train of thought, his heart now racing as he waits for a reaction. His stomach churns uncomfortably, and he tries to tell himself it’s just the waiting for her response, not because he feels guilty about lying.

“Oh. You aren’t?” Hazel sounds slightly surprised, and he almost feels offended.

“No.” He says slowly and easily, trying to force himself into sounding as casual and natural as possible.

“My apologizes, I just assumed- since you didn’t say anything when I asked about your support system-“ Before she can get much further, he interrupts her yet again.

“Well, yes, but you didn’t ask specifically about partners. It’s my bad, really, I think I just misinterpreted the question.” He lies easily, almost too easily, but he’s relieved that she doesn’t seem to notice.

“Oh, that’s great. Not that it would have been impossible to foster otherwise, but you sound like you’ve done your research, and we really need more people who truly care about doing this for the greater good. And I know that sometimes there are just setbacks for people who aren’t… well, anyway. I assume this means you’ll be fostering together?” She asks, her cheer restored in her voice as she speaks.

Dan shakes his head, surprised at himself for what he’s about to do. At least the little voice in his head has finally shut up. “Yes, we will. My, uh, fiancé, and I will be co-fostering.”

“Lovely. Well, the next step in the process is to attend an information meeting here at the center. I can email you about dates and times, and you and your fiancé can decide on something and just let me know.” The sound of typing fills the line, and Dan can only assume that she’s pulling up her email. After telling her his address, she takes a moment before responding. “Okay! That’s sorted, so you should see an email soon. Thank you for calling, Dan, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon! Have a great day!”

Dan responds slightly less enthusiastically before dropping his cell phone to his desk, following it with his head. He gently bangs his head on the smooth surface several times before there’s a knock on his door. “It’s open,” he calls out, trying to settle his expression and his feelings with a sigh as he sits up to greet his guest.

Louise ducks her head in, a smile on her face. “Ready for the meeting at nine?” She asks in that happy, motherly way she has when she’s trying to keep him organized and on schedule. He nods tiredly rubbing a hand down his face, but she must assume it’s because of yesterday’s events, and not due to the fact that he just destroyed his life over the phone. “Good. The boy’s parents should be here then, and we’ll call him in from class to discuss the scholarship and everything in my office.” She smiles once again before giving him a look. “It’ll be okay, Daniel, I promise.”

Dan tries to smile back at her, nodding. “I know, Lou. I know.” He watches as she pulls the door shut as she leaves, before dropping his head back to his desk. After allowing himself a few moments of self-pity, he picks up his phone, deciding to go ahead and face the inevitable. Dialing Phil’s number feels a little like walking towards the edge of a cliff to his imminent death, and he selfishly hopes that he doesn’t answer.

Sadly, whatever gods or beings that control his life aren’t so graceful. Phil answers after the third ring. “Hey, Dan. Are you alright?” Phil asks immediately after answering.

Dan clenches his eyes shut, seriously regretting the situation he’s gotten himself in. Who the hell does something this stupid? Him, apparently. “Er, not exactly. Do you have a minute?” Dan props his head up with the hand that’s holding the phone, laying heavily on it. He briefly hopes that he somehow manages to hang up on him with his face, but he knows they need to have this conversation after what Dan just did.

“Uh, yeah, give me a minute.” He hears Phil say something to his coworkers, probably excusing himself to go talk somewhere in private. Dan’s grateful for this, as he’s probably going to want to yell after he hears what Dan did this time. “Alright, what’s up? You sound really weird and it’s freaking me out.” The worry in Phil’s voice is clear, and Dan tries to cling to that as he tries to gather his courage to speak. Phil cares about him, he can’t do anything too drastic after he hears this… Right?

“Well, you see… Something super funny happened, actually…” Dan begins, hoping that if he presents it as a funny little thing, Phil will be less mad. “So, I called the foster company like I said I would, right? Well…”

~~~

Unfortunately, presenting his mistake as a comedy had not had the desired effect. If anything, it makes it worse.

“You did what?” Phil’s voice is loud, overwhelming the phone’s mic so it sends an inhuman wall of noise through the line. Dan cringes, his finger tracing over the keys on his keyboard as he lets Phil get his anger out. “Daniel, that’s- is that illegal or something? Lying to someone like that?”

Dan shrugs before remembering Phil isn’t there. “I dunno, Phil. It’s not like I asked her if it was illegal to lie about being engaged to someone.” He snaps. He had no right to be angry, and he knew that, but he never fully knew how to act when Phil was angry, as it didn’t happen very often.

“Fuck.” Phil swears quietly, and Dan’s eyes widen slightly. Phil normally didn’t swear too much, so this was surely a testament to how mad he really was. “Well do you think you’ll just tell her you were lying, or say that you broke up or something?”

“What? No! Phil, I can’t. She basically said I didn’t have a real chance at fostering if I didn’t have this. This could be the only way I get to do this.” Dan sits up straighter, swallowing hard.

“So, what are you suggesting? That you just keep lying to her? Seriously, Dan? What about when they do the information meetings? Or better yet, when they do the home inspections? What then?” Phil demands. Dan can almost see him pacing, as he tends to do that when he’s seriously frustrated. Dan almost feels bad for calling him at work, but he knew if he waited it would just drive him crazy.

“No…” He says slowly in regard to what Phil had said. He takes a deep breath, trying to steel himself for what he’s about to ask of his best friend. Although Dan knew deep down that their friendship had survived much worse, he felt that this was something he couldn’t really compare to the situations they’d been in before.

“Then what, Dan?” Phil’s voice sounds almost suspicious, as if he knows that Dan has a solution, and he knows already that he isn’t going to like it.

“You said you would be there for me, right?” Dan says slowly. He glances over at the only picture he had in his office, an old one of photo-Phil smiling broadly over his shoulder. They had been through loads together. Surely, they could survive this together, too. That thought in his mind, he just blurts it out. “I need you to be my fiancé.”

The line is completely silent for several moments. Dan almost thinks the call had failed, but when he pulls his phone away to check, it’s fine. He hesitantly brings it back to his ear, waiting.

Finally, after what seems like hours, Phil’s voice returns. “What?” He whispers.

“Phil, please. I just need you to pretend, okay? Please. I don’t- we both know I don’t have any other friends I can ask. And you said-“ Dan almost continues, but Phil’s voice stops him.

“Stop. Okay? Just stop. I’m at work, Daniel. I know you probably felt like you couldn’t just let this wait, but I’m working. Okay? This is something we need to discuss in person.” Phil stops there, but Dan can tell he isn’t finished, so he just waits quietly until Phil has gathered his thoughts. “You can’t just drop something like this on me and expect me to just agree to it. Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you can drag me into it too.”

That hurts, but Dan knows he deserves it, even though he also knows Phil will likely apologize for saying it later. “Okay.” He whispers back, nodding his head as he stares down at the little stick figures he had drawn earlier.

The line is quiet for a few more minutes before Phil sighs deeply. “I’ll see you after work, yeah? Just… Give me some time, okay?

“Okay.” Dan says again. He’s not sure when things had ever been less okay.

“I get off at five today, I’ll come by, so we can talk.” Phil hesitates before speaking again. “Just… don’t do anything else until we talk, alright?”

“Alright.” Dan responds. “I’ll see you later, Phil.” Before he hangs up, he repeats Phil’s name. When he hears a hum of acknowledgement, he continues. “I’m really sorry.”

Phil sighs before answering. “I know, Dan. I’ll see you later.”

The call disconnects with a beep and Dan feels the guilt settle in, making its way right under his skin, making him feel filthy with it.

After checking the time and realizing he’s about to be late to the meeting, he quickly shoves his personal life to the back of his mind and struggles to force himself into his work life. There was no good that could come out of getting the two all mixed up, and Dan didn’t intend to be one of those people who made that mistake. So instead, he shook himself and tried to put on a smile to go congratulate the parents of a child who had earned himself a full-ride scholarship to a great university. At least some people in the world weren’t messing up their lives.

~~~

Several hours later, Dan is pacing his lounge nervously as he waits for Phil to get there. He’s not sure if he’s nervous to see Phil’s anger, rather than just hear it on the phone, or if he’s just nervous that Phil might refuse to pretend to be his fiancé for the sake of his foster care situation. Probably a mixture of both.

He jumps a little when he hears a key being shoved into the lock downstairs before he reminds himself that Phil has a key. He forces himself to wait in the lounge instead of meeting him at the door, feeling like that last few moments of distance between them will be better.

“Dan?” Phil calls out as Dan hears him taking his shoes off.

“Upstairs!” Dan answers. He’s trying desperately not to look like a nervous wreck, but he knows he does. He’s wearing his Game of Thrones pajama sweats and a t-shirt, but he suddenly feels like he should have just left his work clothes on. He feels too vulnerable like this, despite the fact Phil had seen him in basically every state of dress and undress.

It’s too late for a wardrobe change, though, because Phil comes up the stairs then, pausing when he sees Dan pacing around in front of the large windows. He appraises him for a moment before raising an eyebrow. “You look like roadkill, mate.” Phil deadpans, dropping onto the sofa, his eyes not leaving Dan’s.

Dan only nods, swallowing the lump building in his throat. He absolutely would not cry. Crying would just be stupid and senseless. He had to be strong, because that’s the kind of thing adults do. They own up to their mistakes and deal with the consequences, even if they suck.

Phil studies Dan for a second before sighing, patting the cushion beside him. “C’mere.”

Dan shuffles over unsurely, sitting down where he’s facing Phil, although he refuses to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know I should have asked first, or just not lied period, but I can’t un-lie.” His gaze shifts to the painting he keeps on the cabinet behind the sofa, and he stares at it just to give himself something to do. “I know that doesn’t like, make it better, or whatever. But I am sorry, and I know I fucked up.”

There’s a silence before Phil finally speaks. “I’m not mad anymore.” He whispers softly. Dan’s eyes tentatively shift to meet striking blue ones, and he’s surprised to see that there’s no anger left there. “I was seething at first, sure. You lied to someone about being in a serious relationship, and that’s bad enough, but then you just… Just asked me to do it, as if that’s something you just ask someone.”

Dan tries to make a joke. “I mean… You kind of do ask someone to marry you… This is kind of like that.” He tries to smile, but Phil just stares at him.

“This isn’t real.” He says immediately. Dan’s surprised at how much hearing that hurts, but he shrugs and looks away. It’s not like Phil was wrong. It wasn’t real.

Wait…

“You said ‘this isn’t real’ like you meant it was happening.” Dan is struggling to catch up with the tale he had spun just that morning. “I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do, Phil. If this is going to make things weird, or like if it makes you uncomfortable, we don’t-“

Phil cuts him off then, sighing. “Dan, we both know I wouldn’t have agreed to it if I wasn’t sure I knew I could handle it. Besides, we’ve known each other for ten years. It’s not like either of us have much of a life outside of our friendship anyway.” His sentence is punctuated with a bitter laugh, and Dan can’t help but feel bad, as if he’s the one really holding Phil back from having relationships outside of their friendship. But that would be crazy, because it wasn’t like Dan was standing in his way.

“Yeah…” He studies his hands for a moment before looking up into blue eyes. His words are caught in his throat as Phil just looks at him with a sort of soft, fond look. He looked tired, probably due to the stress that Dan’s terrible announcement of the situation had caused this morning. Even with as angry as he probably was still feeling, he still looked at Dan like there was something to be seen. Like Phil actually liked what he saw, even.

Dan shakes the thought away. He had never had the guts to feel the way he felt about his best friend. He certainly didn’t have the guts now, not when it wasn’t even real. But still, Dan allows himself to feel entirely grateful for the way Phil is handling the situation. The whole thing could have gone in a very different direction, but luckily, Phil was pretty much the best person in the world, and Dan wouldn’t have wanted to be stuck in this situation with anyone else.

“We’ll have to figure a few things out, you know.” Phil says quietly a moment later, thoroughly breaking the spell Dan had been under, stuck in his own head.

“What sort of things?” Dan asks, shifting on the couch so he can tuck his legs under him. This gives him some extra height, and he props his elbow up on the backrest of the couch, dropping his chin onto his hand to look down at Phil.

“Well, for one, if we’re going to do this, we need to work out a convincing backstory. How we met, who proposed to who, all that. Also, might need to get some rings.” He holds up his bare left hand and wags his ring finger around. “If I’m going to be your arm candy, I’m going to require some decent costuming.” His lips quirk into a smirk at the surprise on Dan’s face.

“Oh. Right.” Dan allows his gaze to follow Phil’s hand as it drops back into his lap, and when he realizes that he’s practically staring at his best friend’s crotch, his eyes quickly flit away, his cheeks heating up. “Well, I figure we stay as close to the truth as possible. We don’t change anything other than throwing in a convincing proposal story. We’ve lived together before, so we already know all of each other’s worst habits, which will make it much easier to act like a couple.” Dan shrugs.

Phil shifts, licking his lips before speaking. Dan tries very hard not to follow that movement, but his eyes betray him. “About that, actually. You do realize that they’ll do home visits, right? And if we’re fully doing this, I’ll seriously have to co-foster with you, Dan.”

The truth hadn’t been put quite so bluntly yet, and it wasn’t until Phil said it that Dan fully realized just what he had gotten his best friend into. Not only had he asked him to pretend to be in a long-term, committed relationship with himself, but by doing all this he was also asking Phil to agree to be a parent. They’d have to sign the papers together and seriously commit to becoming foster parents as a unit.

“Did you think about this at all, Dan?” Phil is squinting at him, looking miles away and far too close all at once.

Dan suddenly feels nauseous as thoughts of Phil feeding a baby or teaching a little boy how to ride a bike, or even arguing with a teenage girl cycle through his mind, each of them making him dizzy. Not because he didn’t like to imagine himself co-parenting with Phil; actually, quite the opposite. This future that he’s basically throwing himself into looks so good, and he feels like he might throw up with the thought that it wouldn’t actually be real.

His current existential crisis comes to a screeching halt as he remembers Charlotte. He isn’t doing this for himself or to satisfy some twisted fantasy he might’ve had ten years ago about having a family with Phil. He was doing this because he wanted to help kids like Charlotte, who didn’t have a family that gave a damn. Throwing every other thought out of his head helps him get a grip on what he thinks he’s feeling. It’s nothing other than some old memories and dreams that never came to be, and never would, either. Fixating on it now wouldn’t help him, or the kids he truly wanted to help.

Dan doesn’t realize how much he’d tuned out until he tunes back in and finds Phil’s hand on his thigh, squeezing gently, his eyes wide with worry. “Are you alright? You looked sick. Are you… are you regretting this already?” Phil asks softly.

Shaking his head, Dan gives him an uneasy smile that probably does nothing to convince Phil that he’s alright. “No, no. Of course not. I wouldn’t have asked anyone else to do this, you know that, right? That may sound weird, but you’re the only person I think I could have trusted with this.” Phil nods, uncertain but the worry on his face softens. “I guess I just feel a little guilty. I get that I’m asking more than just “hey, pretend to be engaged to me!” I’m literally asking you to step into a parenting role, which is something I didn’t even really consider when I asked in the first place.”

Phil nods slowly. “Yeah… You know that’s why I sort of freaked out earlier. It wasn’t because of what you asked, exactly.” He hesitates then, looking away from Dan. “It was mostly just the implications behind what you asked that made me a little… uneasy.”

“I know.” Dan nods, picking at the skin around his nails. “I realize that, now. If you…” He takes a deep breath before offering Phil an out. “If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. I don’t want you to feel like I’ll be mad if you don’t. I really want this, but that doesn’t mean you do.” Dan laughs without humor. “Hell, I really don’t even know if you even want kids, let alone if you’re ready to start being a parent now.”

There’s a beat of silence where both men seem to be lost in their own thoughts before Phil speaks again. “I don’t think anyone is ever really ready to be a parent, you know? I think they all just jump into it at some point, but I don’t think the majority of parents are ever fully ready.” He shrugs then. “And I’m probably not ready either, but I know I want to do this with you. I know how much this means to you, and I know I’d hate myself later if I didn’t at least try.”

Dan almost tears up, but instead he laughs, shoving Phil gently. “You already sound like a parent, all wise and stuff.” They both laugh quietly before the silence resumes. “Thank you,” Dan whispers.

Phil glances up at him, quirking an eyebrow. “You’re welcome. But I’m not just doing this for you. I’ve always said I wanted to foster if I could. You’re just giving me a good excuse to do it.” Phil grins, and Dan rolls his eyes. He figured they’d had enough serious conversation for one night. They still had a few things to work out, but he was starving right now, so he figured that could wait until after they eat something.

“Right.” He stands up to go fetch his laptop, so they can order something. After the day they’d had, he figured they deserved to be lazy and eat takeaway. “Do you want Indian or Chinese tonight?” He asks as he pulls his MacBook off the desk across the lounge.

“Chinese sounds good, actually.” Phil responds, reaching over to grab the remote before turning the tv on. They were so comfortable in each other’s homes that it was almost comical.

A few minutes later Dan places their usual order before closing his laptop and putting it back where he got it. “Do you wanna talk about some of the stuff we need to work out before the food gets here?” He asks, suddenly feeling slightly awkward. He feels that his awkwardness is justified, however, seeing as it’s not every day you find yourself fake engaged to your best friend.

Phil nods, putting the remote beside him on the couch without selecting a show to watch. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. And then we can just lay around being lazy for the rest of the night.” He smiles at Dan.

Dan returns to his earlier seat beside Phil, nodding at his plan. “Are you staying over tonight?” He asks. He almost wishes Phil would say no so he could have some space to process all this, but then he feels bad because it’s actually been a couple weeks since they’d slept over at each other’s flats.

Phil nods, pulling the blanket from off the back of the couch where Dan had left it last night. “Might as well. Er- unless you don’t want me to?” He asks, glancing at Dan with slightly pink cheeks.

Shaking his head, Dan shoves Phil lightly. “You know I like having you around. Of course, I want you to stay.” He rolls his eyes at the absurdity of Phil suggesting otherwise. The thought of him sleeping over prompts a different thought, however. “Speaking of that, though.” He almost blushes when Phil looks at him in question, but they probably both realized that this was going to come up. “We’re going to need to live together.”

The surprise that briefly crosses Phil’s face is quickly followed by understanding. “Oh, yeah. I kind of just glossed over that part in my panic, I think.” He brings a hand up to rub awkwardly at the back of his neck, his eyes avoiding Dan’s.

“Well, it’s not like we’ve never lived together. It’s just been like, what, three years? Four?” Dan honestly doesn’t remember how long it had been since they moved out of their last shared apartment and into separate ones, but he knew it’d been at least a couple years. Honestly besides the fact that they no longer lived together full-time, not much had changed. They still saw each other basically every day, and they often spent the night at each other’s flats. Yet somehow, they still weren’t sick of each other.

“Four.” Phil responds distractedly. “You know, my lease is actually up in about three months.” He says nonchalantly.

Dan smiles at this. It would make things much easier, especially since the approval process could take up to six months. If Phil was going to have to either renew his own lease or move soon, this was basically perfect timing. “Well, you know mine’s not up for another two years.” Dan responds in the same nonchalant fashion that Phil had.

It has the desired effect, and Phil laughs. “So, I guess that means I’ll be moving in here?” He asks, leaning his head on the back of the sofa and tilting to face Dan. The way the light now falls across his face is a little too perfect, and Dan mentally curses him for managing to look so effortlessly brilliant. That’s a thought he can totally have about his best friend, right?

“Well, I mean, if you want. We could always just go with yours or into a new one, but I figure my flat’s pretty big as it is. I have the spare bedroom and that other room I have as an office but don’t really use. I think it could work.” Dan nods, trying to act like he isn’t as excited as he is about the prospect of them moving in together again. Putting the whole situation aside, he really did miss living with his best friend sometimes, even when he did annoying shit like leaving the cupboards open.

“I think that’s a great idea. I’ve always liked your flat better than mine, anyway.” Phil shrugs as if it’s common knowledge, but Dan is honestly a little shocked. Phil must notice this, because he rolls his eyes. “Come on, Dan. I always prefer to come over here instead of us staying at mine.”

Dan pouts slightly at the way Phil implies it’s so obvious. “I just thought maybe you didn’t want to tidy up, so you just thought it was easier to come here.” That earns him an elbow to the ribs, but he just laughs. “Alright, well if that’s sorted. We can start moving your things in whenever you want to.” Another thought occurs to him then, and he blushes. “Er- when we get approved and we get a child placed with us, we’ll probably have to share a bedroom.” He feels awkward suggesting it, but he knows it’s true.

Phil shrugs as if this doesn’t bother him nearly as much as it bothers Dan. “I figured. I hope you don’t steal blankets as bad as you used to.”

The comment is quick and just a general observation by someone who was close enough to Dan to have platonically shared a bed with him enough to know that sort of thing, but Dan still feels a blush crawling up his neck. Phil knew him so well, but sometimes the fact that he knew little domestic details like that still managed to surprise him.

“I do not do that. I don’t really think I ever did.” Dan offers lamely in his own defense.

Phil shrugs, staring at the tv as it cycles through different Netflix options. “Say what you want, Howell, but when we start sleeping together the truth will come out.”

Dan’s about to make a sarcastic comment, but the sound indicating that the take away guy is there is enough to make him think better of it, instead heading to the buzzer to let him in. “I’ll be right back. Do you want Ribena or some wine?” Dan asks as he grabs his wallet from where he’d left it earlier.

“Ribena, please.” Phil laughs as he allows himself to sink further down on the sofa. “I have to work tomorrow, and I don’t exactly feel like getting wine drunk tonight.”

Dan rolls his eyes but finds himself unable to stop grinning as he goes to collect the takeaway. “Boring,” he teases.

Phil sits up a little, before nodding to the staircase. “Want me to help carry everything back up?”

Shrugging, Dan gestures for Phil to follow him downstairs, where the delivery man is probably tempted to just leave. He goes to open the door with Phil by his side, double checking that the cash he had was enough to cover the food and a tip.

“Here you go,” the boy says, holding the food out. Phil reaches for it as Dan finishes counting the money before handing it over. The delivery boy looks a little surprised at first but smiles as he tucks the tip money into his pocket. “Thank you! You guys have a good night and enjoy your meal!”

Just as Dan goes shut the door, Phil calls out, “Thanks, you too!”

The door closes with a click and Dan turns around, giving Phil a look, raising his eyebrows when Phil doesn’t seem to catch on. “Phil,” he says slowly.

“What?” He asks, already halfway up the staircase.

Dan rolls his eyes as he follows. “You said “You too” to him,” he explains, exasperated.

Phil glances back at him before giggling. “No, I- you! He knew what I meant!”

“You should never be allowed to speak to anyone, ever.” Dan can only shake his head at his best friend.

“Oh, thank god, I won’t have to talk to you anymore!”

[do-not-call-me-meathead]

aposiopesis (part two)

My Orphan Black fic on A03 

part 1   part 3   part 4  part 5  part 6  part 7

@agoddamnsupernova

Scott wasn’t saying anything. Not that it was incredibly odd that he wasn’t talking, but Cosima could tell that there was something that he wanted to say, but was holding it back. She didn’t know if it was something about her and Sarah or about his few hours with Felix, but she could tell that he was keeping it quiet for a reason unbeknownst to her.

“Where did Felix take you?” She asked him to try to get him to start talking. She even poked him a few times, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was lost in his own thoughts.

Scott blushed and answered sheepishly, “A few bars.”

It was vague, but Cosima didn’t want to press for more. Scott had always shown her privacy and respect when it came to her personal life, and she didn’t want to push him away with any of her own meddling.

“Well, thank you. Seriously, dude. Sarah and I… we needed that talk, you know?”

Scott nodded and swiveled in his chair to finally look at her. “You looked really happy when we walked in. Felix told me he was worried about it, but I guess it all went alright? Not that I know what’s really going on. But my point is, I haven’t seen you that happy in a long time.”

Cosima could read between the lines. She knew that he was really saying that he hadn’t seen her this happy since she was with Delphine. She didn’t know if that was exactly true. Delphine made her feel electric and passionate and vibrant. Sarah… Sarah made her laugh and feel warm. It was different.

“Everyone’s having a rough time right now. I think… it was just what we needed at the moment. Did Felix tell you about Alison and Donnie?”

A text early in the morning the next day made Cosima wonder if Sarah ever slept. Not that Cosima hadn’t been awake when she received the text. Kendall’s death had been plaguing her dreams. Sometimes Kendall was replaced by Delphine and she imagined seeing them getting killed over and over and over again. She wondered if Sarah had similar nightmares. 

The texts turned into a phone call. 

"Oi, Cos,” Sarah murmured softly with an almost husky-just-woke-up voice that made her accent sound that much more pronounced. "Hope I didn’t wake you."

“You’re fine, Sarah. Any news? On MK or Donnie or…” 

"I think Alison’s able to visit Donnie today. With Fee and Adele. I’m hopin’ this turns out to be a My Cousin Vinny scenario with Adele and she’s secretly a genius or somethin’. Or it could be total shite. I’ve been warned to keep out of it."

Cosima chuckled at the idea of Sarah actually staying out of something (she didn’t think that was possible). She could imagine Mrs. S begging Sarah to bite her tongue about Adele being the family lawyer. 

“And Felix is going to tell Adele that Alison is your…” 

"Twin. I dunno how we’ll keep all this from her but whatever. Art’s still pissed, though, even if this all because of Neolution. But I can’t really judge Alison with the drugs, though, can I?"

“We all do stupid, impulsive things, right? Isn’t that what you said? None of us are perfect.” 

"Oi!" Sarah shouted in a tone that would have scared any person who didn’t know her well, causing Cosima to snort. "Are you sayin’ I’m not perfect, Niehaus?"

“Yo, my hands are in the air in surrender, Manning. I’m not saying anything.”

Sarah laughed, her voice ringing slightly, causing an echo on the phone. Cosima wished that she could hear the laugh in person. Her laugh always sounded raw, like her voice wasn’t completely used to it. 

"I guess there’s a reason why they call you smart, Cos. Speakin’ of, MK did call. She’s gonna hook us up to Susan somehow. I told her that you need to be involved too. I’d come over to you but… S is under the impression that Neos might be after me."

That didn’t surprise Cosima in the slightest, but it did make her wonder about Sarah’s foster mother. “How’s Siobhan doing?” 

"She’s not angry with me anymore, but she’s angry, Cosima. Not at you or us or anythin’. But at Neos and Evie Cho and Duko. Kira’s ‘specially worried ‘bout her. I dunno, Cos. I feel… like something's happenin’. Or about to happen. I dunno who to trust."

Cosima understood that feeling better than anyone. Trust was something that was easy for the scientist to gain, but once she loses it… She immediately thought of Delphine and Shay and how she hadn’t felt like she could completely trust someone she was sleeping with for years. 

“I know, Sarah. But there’s a bunch of people that are on our side. It’s my turn to be optimistic. We’re going to get the cure and we’re going to destroy Neolution.” 

Sarah sighed with what sounded like tiredness. "Yeah, but at what cost?"

.......

Her screen was blank for a few minutes until she could see everyone. Sarah, Susan, Rachel, and MK. This was what she was waiting for. Scott was by her side, which was reassuring. The two of them had finally come up with an idea for a cure that might actually work.

“Yo, Rachel.”

"Yo."

The rest of the conversation wasn’t as exciting as those first words. She was surprised that Rachel and Sarah hadn’t begun fighting on the video call, but there was something strange happening on Sarah’s end that made Cosima question what was happening over there at the safe house. She was even more caught off guard when Sarah had shut her computer off while they were in the middle of a conversation with Susan and Rachel, not that it seemed to faze them at all.

It was time for her to finally voice her idea. She didn’t want to work with them. She barely wanted to converse with them. But the only way she could actually pull off this cure was with their help.

“So,” Cosima finally began, knowing that she couldn’t hold back any theories if she ever wanted a cure (even if that meant working with their enemies). “I have a couple of ideas.”

........

She had texted Sarah. More than once. She didn’t want to bother her, but she was concerned with how abruptly she ended the video call. She tried to not read too much into it (Sarah was infamous for her unread text messages) but it was almost impossible to not be worried with everything else going on.

And besides that, she needed to talk to her. After hours of debating possibilities for the cure, they could only come up with one possible solution. One possible solution that Cosima actually thought might work. She hated to admit it, but Susan and Rachel were fairly brilliant. They kept up with all her insane thinking.

She was excited to tell Sarah about this new possibility, but she was also terrified. Not only did she need some of Sarah’s eggs, but she would also have to go to the island to actually do the science in a lab that was much more qualified than their own.

The door blasted open, interrupting her thoughts and conversation with Scott about what she would have to bring to the island. She was surprised to find Siobhan standing at the door with a huge ass gun in her hand. On instinct, Cosima almost raised her hands up in the air, but S didn’t look angry at her.

“Duko’s comin’ here. Art and Sarah too. You two are going to stay down here and not say a word. No matter what. Got it, loves? Don’t come back up until someone gets you.”

Cosima and Scott shared a look but they didn’t have the time to ask her about what the hell she was talking about. It frightened them, but they followed her directions. They knew not to go against her orders (that would be a death wish).

Both of them listened intently to the room above them, but they could only hear murmurs of familiar voices. Cosima had expected screaming or yelling or something horrifying as that, but she barely heard a thing until… the indistinguishable bang. Cosima immediately grasped Scott’s arm. After Kendall’s murder, she had hoped that she would never have to hear gunfire again. After a few minutes, the door opened for a brief second, but only for a short enough period for Hell Wizard to enter the basement.

“Duko’s dead,” Hell Wizard announced, looking as pale as a ghost. “Detective Bell and Sarah left.”

Cosima felt like fainting. She thought the idea of anyone else getting murdered would be horrifying, but part of her actually felt a wave of relief to find out that Duko was dead and wouldn’t hurt anyone else in the family. She knew Kendall’s death was only partially avenged. They still had to find a cure and put a stop to Evie Cho.

She felt her pocket buzz.

Sarah Manning: i gotta see kira, i’ll come clean tomorrow, S’ crew will be there in a few to get the body

Cosima Niehaus: Are you OK, Sarah?

Sarah Manning: i’ll update u tomorrow,,, pls dont go upstairs

Cosima thought about texting her back, begging her to tell her everything, but she knew that she couldn’t push her. That it would only push Sarah away from her. Instead, she put her phone down and announced to the others what Sarah had told her.

Scott just shook his head and returned to the computer while Hell Wizard offered a pot brownie. Cosima didn’t refuse.

.........

Someone was shaking her awake. She didn’t know when she fell asleep (or how exactly she fell asleep after last night) but when she woke up, her head ached. Somehow, Hell Wizard must have convinced her to drink too. Not a good mix.

“You okay, geek monkey?” Sarah asked her with pure concern and crossed arms. “Party hard or somethin’?”

Cosima sat up, rubbed her eyes, and realized that it was just the two of them in the basement. “Where’s--”

“When I got here, Scotty boy and Wizard boy were both scrubbin’. They don’t seem too thrilled with my presence.”

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Well, most people don’t like it when you kill someone a few feet away from them. But hey, that’s just a guess.”

Sarah glared at her. “Piss off, Cos. I thought you’d be the last person who’d be angry at Duko’s death.” When the scientist looked away from her, she sighed. "Cosima, S had to. For Kendall.”

“I get it, Sarah,” Cosima snapped. “I just would have liked to know before it happened, you know? A little heads up or something? Because dammit, Sar. I would have liked to not be here when it happened.”

Sarah sat down onto the bed next to Cosima and stared at her own muddy boots. “Loads happened yesterday, Cosima. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it’s true. Alison was threatened by Duko to give up my location in return for not knockin’ Donnie off. The only way to make sure no one died was to kidnap Duko and kill ‘im.”

Cosima raised her eyebrows. Sarah wasn’t wrong. A lot had happened. “But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have called me at the very least. Jesus, Sarah! Why can’t you just let someone into your life so you don’t have to go through all this alone?”

Sarah jumped up and headed for the stairs, ready to run away. Back turned to the scientist, Sarah said, “I should’ve told you. You’re right, Cos. I didn’t mean to keep you in the dark. But I can’t… I fucked that up. Shite. It’s what I do.”

Cosima’s anger dissipated from her body, though she didn’t quite know why. “You’re so dramatic, Manning. And I thought Alison was bad.”

The lighter tone in the scientist’s voice made Sarah turn around. “That’s the worst thing you coulda said to me. She’s a bloody theater actress for fuck’s sake. Though, I did grow up with Fee. Maybe he rubbed off a lil on me, yeah?”

“Just a little. But seriously, Sarah. Why are your communication skills so damn awful?”

Sarah only shrugged and felt her body condense into itself. She didn’t want to talk about herself or her fucked up nature or why she was so shit at life. In fact, she avoided those conversations at all costs. Which was why she normally avoided Cosima most of the time too. Cosima was the only one who wanted to know that kind of stuff about Sarah.

She turned around again and said, “Yeah, well, I dunno, do I? I gotta go see Kira--”

Cosima ran over and grabbed Sarah’s hand as she tried to walk off. She didn’t know what to say when Sarah looked at her, her eyes watering and lips quivering slightly (Cosima wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t been staring so intensely). She hadn’t wanted to piss her off, but she needed answers. Sarah had almost always been an enigma to her. She wasn’t one at first, not with her bitchy attitude and con artist tendencies. But now that Sarah was their leader, their person, she felt like she knew her less and less.

“Sarah… I’m a blunt person. So truthful to a degree that I like end up offending half the people that I’ve met.”

The other woman didn’t know where she was going with this. “Yeah, good for ya, Cos.”

Cosima grumbled. “What I’m trying to say is, I am going to be honest with you. It’s who I am, Sarah. And honestly, I don’t understand you. You act like nothing affects you until it does. You struggle with loving people and yet you’re the most loyal person I know. And you’re always alright, even when you’re not. I just want to know who you are, but you won’t let me.”

Sarah wanted to let go of Cosima’s hand and run. Run far and fast. But her grip was strong and something in Cosima’s eyes told her that this is what the scientist needed, though Sarah didn’t understand why.

“It’s not just you, Cos.” Sarah confided when she couldn’t think of a way out. “Why do you think I pushed Cal to leave? Why do you think I keep S at arm’s length and left Kira? Felix is the only one who’s ever opened me up. And that’s because he forced me. After years of bloody naggin’. It’s got nothing to do with you, yeah?”

That didn’t make Cosima feel any better. She could have guessed all of that. “But why, Sarah? Why can’t you let me in? Let me help you?”

Sarah sighed and wiped her nose that was running with her sleeve. “Because I’m an orphan, Cos. I grew up unwanted. Jumped from foster home to foster home that was either too crowded, too handsy, or too damn lonely. I didn’t have someone like you growin’ up. Or Alison or Cal or anyone. Not until Fee. But even then… Jesus, Cos. Why you askin’ all this?”

Cosima grasped her other hand and tried to smile. “Because I want you to trust me, Sarah. Like I trust you.”

“But I do trust you, Cos. I do. I just wanna protect you from all this shit. That’s why I didn’t tell you about the night I almost ended it with snortin' and drinkin' and shaggin' couples. Or about yesterday. Or all the other shit I’ve kept to myself. You already have so much to deal with. I can take care of everythin’ else.”

Cosima groaned and facepalmed, letting go of the other woman's hands. “But you don’t have to! You’re not the only clone, Sarah! Let someone help you for god sakes!”

Sarah shook her head. “I can’t.”

"Why?"

“Because I deserve this,” She shouted and pounded her chest like she wanted to hit something (and decided to hit herself). “I’ve wasted my shit life doing shit things. Maybe this is the way I can make it better, yeah? You’ve got science, Alison’s got school boards and her plays, Beth was a cop, hell Krystal’s even got cosmetics. I’ve got nothin’. I’m just nothin’ but a shit mother and hustler and lover of abusers.” She fell to her knees before Cosima had a chance to even try to catch her. “Everyone’s better off w’out me.”

“I’m not,” Cosima told her immediately. She crouched down and wrapped her arms around the shaking body. “Listen to me, Sarah. You’re a survivor. Restless, remember? You’re wicked smart. Strong. Brave. You’re my hero. My friend. My… god, Sarah. Do I have to say more for you to understand? We wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. You’re our rock, Sar. Our hope. We need you. I need you.”

Sarah rested her head on Cosima’s lap and held onto the scientist's shirt like she was trying to hold on.

“I feel her, Cos,” Sarah confessed as quietly as she could. “I feel her with me. I see her everywhere. All my dreams are about her. I’m worried that I’m… turnin' into Beth.”

Cosima blinked. She knew that there was a connection between the clones. A connection that couldn't be explained by any science that she was aware of. It was why Kira was unexplainably different. She didn’t understand why Sarah felt connected to Beth (or if anyone else had this feeling), but she wanted to.

“I won’t let that happen. I’ll protect you, just like you protect all of us.”

Instead of telling her about the island and exchange with Rachel like she knew she should have, she dragged Sarah to the bed and commanded her to sleep.

Their fingers intertwined and Sarah, with one last exhale, finally closed her eyes.

...........

Cosima would have never expected Sarah to be cuddly. The lion-hearted girl with the lion’s mane had her body practically wrapped around the scientist’s, her head rested gently into the curve of Cosima’s neck, breathing into her hair. It was surprising and endearing and made Cosima’s heart beat faster than normal. She couldn’t remember being this physically close to someone without sex being involved.

She would have never thought that Sarah would look this delicate as she slept. And she was sure that the punk would be the first to deny it too. She felt Sarah’s warm hands around her body and she didn’t want her to ever peel away. Cosima decided that she could live like this forever. It would be easy, she thought. Simple. The idea of staying this way with Sarah Manning made her grin and smile and it subsequently scared her.

She only felt this way with Delphine.

Sarah had her face. It was obvious and made her shake her head at the idiocy of the immediate thought, but she couldn’t stop staring at it. They had the same face. But it wasn’t the exact same. Or maybe their faces were the exact same and Cosima just imagined little differences because they were incredibly different people with different scars and different stories. Maybe Sarah seemed older because she had done more things and lived a harder life. Maybe Cosima felt younger because she admired Sarah so intensely. But for some reason, Cosima didn’t see Sarah like the rest. She saw her face in Alison, Beth, even Helena. But Sarah?

“Cos, why’re you bloody staring at me?”

Cosima raised her eyebrows. Sarah hadn’t even opened her eyes and yet she somehow knew. She didn’t know if she was freaked out by that or completely intrigued.

“I’d say it was because you’re hot, but I wouldn’t want it to go to your head, weirdo.”

“Narcissist,” Sarah snorted and finally opened her eyes. She moved her body immediately away from the other clone. “Fuck. Didn’t mean to hold you that tight, Niehaus. What time is it anyway?”

Cosima checked the time and sighed. In only a few hours, she was supposed to be in the air on the way to the island and she still hadn’t told Sarah about it.

“Listen, Sarah...” Cosima had already begun to trail off, just looking at the way the punk’s smile faltered and filled with worry and concern. “No, no. It’s nothing bad. Actually, something good. I think… I think we might have figured out the cure.”

Sarah gaped at her and then jumped up out of the bed and shouted, “Holy shite! That’s… that’s… and you’re not playin’? Don’t mess with me, Cos. This is--”

“Real, Sarah. I have good feelings about it. It’s the breakthrough we were all waiting for.”

“That’s bloody amazin’, Cos,” she muttered and ran her fingers through her mane of hair, still gaping in awe with disbelief. “You’re brilliant. I always knew you’d figure it out.”

Cosima felt her stomach knot. She had left out the worst part of the news. On purpose. Knowing Sarah’s moment of pure joy would soon vanish and be replaced with… well… she hoped that it wouldn’t be anger.

She opened her mouth, but Sarah had already started talking again. Shouting, really. In a strangely unlike-Sarah kind of way that would have normally made Cosima extremely thrilled.

“Kira’s gonna jump up and down when she finds out. Honestly, everyone will. Bloody hell. I could just kiss you right now, I’m so fuckin’ happy.”

Sarah was still grinning as if she hadn’t heard the words that came out of her own mouth. But Cosima heard them. Her mouth felt dry and she felt like her heart skipped a beat. She couldn’t stop visualizing it.

Her mouth on Sarah’s.  

She tried to shake it out of her head because she was sure that Sarah hadn’t actually meant that she wanted to kiss her. Besides, Cosima knew that her thoughts would have disturbed the punk. She tried to think about anything else, anything else, but it wasn’t working.

Instead, she blurted, “I need your eggs.”

Sarah froze, no longer jittery, and muttered, “What?”

“For the cure, I mean. We need both Castor sperm and Leda eggs. To make--”

“The original,” Sarah whispered and slouched over slightly. “Yeah, I get it. W-when?”

Cosima scratched her head. “Now would be a good time, actually. I mean, the procedure needs to be done soon. Like really soon.”

Sarah tilted her head with a questioning stare. “What’re you not tellin’ me, Cos?”

Cosima sighed and felt herself wishing that she wasn’t the one who had to tell her this part. “We can’t do this alone, Sarah. We just don’t have the resources.”

Sarah blinked, not connecting the dots yet. “So?”

“So, I’m going to a place with ample resources and… and guidance. I’m going to the island.”

Sarah’s posture immediately changed. She crossed her arms and started pacing around the room, unable to be stopped by any force.

“No. Not with bloody Rachel and Susan.”

Cosima frowned and confessed, “Actually, Rachel’s coming here. With Ira. They’re here to… help. Supposedly. I’m not quite--”

“And you think this is a good idea, ey?” Sarah asked and waved her hands up in her air, getting more pissed off by the second. “Makin’ deals with the devil—“

“Evie Cho and Neolution are the villains here, Sarah!” Cosima interrupted and got up from the bed so that she could walk up to her. “Us not having the cure, that’s our enemy. That’s our killer.”

Sarah shook her head and tried to avoid being near her. “You’ve forgotten all the shit Rachel and Susan have put us through! Cos, I want this cure as much as you do--”

“Really, because I don’t think you’re the one that’s dying, Sarah, even though you sometimes want to.”

Cosima regretted it the second the words flew out of her mouth thoughtlessly. She watched as all the color vanished from the other clone’s face. She and Sarah might not have always seen eye to eye on everything, but she had never made Sarah go silent and pale before. She didn’t know anyone could do that.

Sarah sniffled, backing away from the other woman who tried to reach out, and said, “Yeah, okay, Cos. You got the eggs, yeah? And I’ll play nice with bloody Rachel. I’ll do all this for you, Cosima. Because… Jesus, do I really have to say it out loud? I thought you knew better than anyone that I would do anythin’ to have the sickness instead of you. Jus’ seein’ you… it’s my curse. I’ll give you my bloody eggs.”

She walked away with tears in her eyes. Tears that Cosima knew that she had caused. She slammed her fist into the air and bit her tongue instead of screaming. She didn’t want to scare Scott.

[coshayphinelove]

now that the finale afterglow has faded, i’ve been kind of looking back on the series with a more critical eye than a “PLS DONT LEAVE ME” eye.  

this is by no means the last time i’ll write some kind of long-winded essay, i’m sure i’ll find other things to overthink about on rewatches and as i write more fic, but it is a direct reaction to the finale and the five years i have spent with this show.

in short, the finale was amazing.  it was probably the best finale of any show i have ever seen.  it was satisfying and true to the characters that we had grown to love.  it was realistic insofar that the problems didn’t end with the evil being defeated.  it was bittersweet and made me emotional where i didn’t think the show could anymore.

(although i still haven’t watched the last two episodes of frin/ge so it’s rank may change).

if the rest of the season and the previous two seasons had set it up, it would have been even better.  it is, to this day, my firm opinion that season 1 was the tightest, most well thought out season of television i have ever seen.  like, if you had asked me in season 3 where i thought the finale would be, i would have had such a different answer.  (please do ask me, i have so many thoughts.)

most of my criticisms are on the co-phine/delphine front bc that’s where i’ve curated the most facts, having a few transcripts saved to my computer for ease of access.  and the first thing i have to talk about is the plot holes this season, bc wow, so many.  like, delphine was only there when it was convenient.  that much was clear.  

like she only helped siobhan bc there needed to be a good guy survivor to tell the rest about what happened.  she was only invited to the big house so cosima could invite herself along.  she was only put in the dress so that cosima could be in the suit so that the pr team could tease a wedding.

and she was only in the final clone scene to reinforce that ‘’we can trust her now guys’’.  like she and cosima never talked about anything.  not the shay snafu in season 3, not the lying, not the spying, not the secrets.  which are really big things.  and i’m not saying it had to be 45 minutes of therapy jargon but i am saying that they should’ve said... ‘sorry’ or explained what happened and where they were coming from.  bc to this day i don’t actually know why delphine did what she did in season 3.  what happened in frankfurt?  why did she threaten shay like that instead of just asking?  why was she suddenly working for topside?  none of that ever gets mentioned after it happens.

and as much as the sarah hug helps me with my sarcoshayphine struggles, they hadn’t spoken since ‘piss off delphine.’  how did they get from there to hugging?  ‘we’re doing all of this on account of bloody delphine?’ to soft hugs and kind words?  like yeah, it fit and it worked and it was touching.  but when you think about it, it kind of dissolves.  which is kinda fitting for a lot of the plot this season.

and to me, that left this season of c0p/hine feeling kind of empty.  we reused the ‘can we trust delphine’ plot.  we reused the ‘delphine’s off in a foreign country and therefore unreachable’ plot (eighty times this season, right?).  i still stand by my point that in season 4 she could have been in hiding, having driven off into the sunset to do mrs. s’s bidding.  like they could’ve had delphine funneling info for all of season 4 through mk/siobhan completely off screen.  but she just.. did nothing for all of season 4.  right.  boss ass bitch corporate delphine just... sat around getting told what to do... sure..

or in 5x09 she could have just been around the corner at the grocery store rather than france.  and why even bring that up if you’re never going to do anything with it?  she went home right when cosima would’ve needed her and she was free to be there for her?  what the hell?  and there was no setup for it either.  one second they’re ‘on the precipice of doing anything they want’ and the next delphine went home?  without cosima before the fight is over?  like, season 2 delphine would’ve been doing The Most: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, chores, snuggles, etc etc.  but instead she hears the news and hops on the first plane out of the country?

like you guys do realize they didn’t say ‘i love you’ this season at all, right?  delphine is ‘motivated by love’ but she doesn’t say it at every possible opportunity?  cosima thought she was dead, but doesn’t blurt it out the first time she sees her after waking up?  like fuck a sex scene, normalize wlw couples saying ‘i love you’ to each other first.

idk...  i know there were scheduling conflicts and i know they had to keep rewriting as the schedule got rearranged, but come on.  i can, right now, change a few key scenes that do something for both cosima and delphine’s character, that keeps them both active and doesn’t just ignore 3 seasons of characterization.

which is another point.  there was so much they could have done with delphine’s character.  not just this season, but for a while.  instead of like.. idk following up on the threads they presented (affair with l**kie, changing sides, the girl who slit her wrists which was implied to be delphine herself, seeming to be worth shooting and kidnapping and nursing to back to health to neolution, what she was doing before cosima got there, what she did in geneva, etc etc) they only brought her back to kiss cosima.  like bottom line.  like, she didn’t really do anything active that someone else wasn’t doing elsewhere except warn siobhan about kira.  which they didn’t even listen to her about.

and several times they referred to her as a lesbian when in 1x08 she clearly and fully called herself bisexual.  and they shot her.  for being in love with cosima.  regardless of what they have recently said about ‘knowing about byg and always intending to bring her back’ they... still did it.  and right afterwards said some really gross stuff about fans who were upset about it.  i don’t really remember all of it, but i do distinctly remember the word ‘reductive’ used to say that fans were reducing her to her sexuality and that was the real problem.  which... see the above several paragraphs.  pot, kettle.  kettle, pot.  (i have separate thoughts on the season 3 debacle..)

which brings me to my main thought.  i think they were too hyperaware of the fandom.  they tried to roll with the scheduling conflicts and make a nice new shiny ship for us.  but when there were complaints (*cough* hate *cough*) thrown at creators/cast over it they waffled and changed their minds.  which then led to a shay shaped plot hole.  also a shay shaped hole in my heart.

and i think someone around season 1 told them they were being progressive and they just... didn’t try to learn new things?  idk how to phrase this.  like season 1 was genuinely feminist.  and the fact that they saw this story unfolding from a female perspective was incredible.  and sarah’s storyline throughout the seasons was incredibly feminist.  and the fact that they thought to include characters of genders other than cis and sexualities other than straight was fantastic.  but after they got a pat on the back for being progressive, they stopped actively trying to call themselves out.  they were like, ‘yes i am progressive and feminist therefore everything i produce is good without a second check.’

but this past season was all about petey and the clones were only used to further reinforce his evilness.  and felix was more active than sarah, the protagonist.  and tony actually got mentioned but he never actually showed up.  and their ‘stand-in for the patriarchy’ got to violently murder two women (of two different underrepresented minorities, ASD and middle aged) while going back and abusing another woman (and praising him and saying he actually loved her!!!!).  and their lesbian character centric episode was primarily focused on her romantic entanglements rather than, say, her and her character.  (which i’ve been learning is actually kind of a problem in the wlw community, is losing yourself to new relationship energy and they could’ve actually taken a stance on this and said something important, but... anyway..)

and the creators were touting this as the most feminist season ever.

...

like okay.  by walking0 de..ad and game- of9 thro///nes standards it is.  but what they said in interviews and what they put on the screen did not match up.  and i think that’s my main problem.  like when i turn on my tv i generally turn off my feminism eyes and my lgbt rep wants.  bc i generally know that not every show is going to be perfect and as long as it’s not like last man standing then i can tolerate it.  but season 1 and their interview presence just got my hopes up.  and they just didn’t deliver on their promises, imo.

and that wouldn’t be so bad, but they were so close, like this close!!  you can’t see my fingers rn, but they’re almost touching...  like they had the perfect setup, a meatball straight down the plate, just begging to be a home run, but they shanked it to right field and got stopped at second base.

like implying in interviews that some characters are nonbinary or confirming characters sexualities is really cool!!! i used to be a r//izzl//es fan, i know how awful it is when cast/creators genuinely don’t want you in their fandom.  getting a confirmation is super cool.... but technically it’s not canon, it’s not In The Show.  like it’s not untrue either, it’s not not canon.  but being Progressive and Feminist and Positive LGBT Rep would’ve been.. idk saying it on the show, in the character’s own words?  bc i can go anywhere and get coded representation, i can go back to the fifties and watch stuff with thinly veiled metaphors and small little nudges in the confirmation direction.  it’s not something you get to pat yourself on the back for.

like, imo 1x08 was probably the best handled lgbt scene.  like delphine stated her identity.  and cosima just went along with it.  and they got to talk candidly about it.  they said ‘gay’ and ‘bisexual’ in the same scene.  like??!!?!??!?! that was amazing.  but for some reason they couldn’t do that for sarah, or felix.  or let tony talk about being trans rather than having it be a hushed whispered conversation between two (then believed to be) cis people without him.

and it was just so frustrating to me, as a viewer, knowing what they meant and seeing what they put out there.  

bc they are two different things.  i can say whatever i want about this post, but at the end of the day it is just a grammatically incorrect, rambling, walk-about way of saying i have insomnia and was thinking about this enough to try and organize my thoughts.  the creators can say whatever they want about the show, but eventually those interviews and those panels will get buried in the internet and all that will stand is their product.  which doesn’t have confirmations of those themes within it.

like i’m forever going to love the show and i’m always going to go back and rewatch.  it’s always going to be an influence on my writing.  it’s just not... me trying to replicate and be like this show it’s trying not to make the same mistakes.  which is kinda sad, bc it used to be the other way.  

and at the end of the day it is feminist.  like it’s about women told from a women’s perspective about allegories for womens’ issues.  it’s just not by women so it missed the mark.  same goes for the lgbt stuff.  it is progressive that they thought to include it, but the stories they ended up telling were closer to the older stuff than what they thought.  

i just wish they had brought in a third showrunner that was a woman and had lgbt writers come in to tell the lgbt stories.  that doesn’t mean that it would’ve automatically been 100% Unproblematic™ but i think it would have been a lot closer to what they had promised.

anyway, i miss it already.

[shadowfox275]

Oki Look ya’ll

I get it, you’re concerned for MK. She’s deactivated her tumblrs, and shes gonna be updating her chapters less often if not at all. Ya’ll are worried, and thats fine! I am too! I’m concerned for her as both a fan and a friend. But listen....

You need to stop with the insinuations. You need to stop accusing/assuming things. Her husband is not abusive. He’s not forcing her to do this. Shes doin this on her own accord. 

Just because her husband thinks its a waste of time writing fanfics does not make him a bad person. He just thinks she could do so much better, be so much better, being an actual author. Writing her own stories. Coming up with her own ideas, in her own world that belongs only to her. To use her beautiful beautiful mind to create something just as unique and amazing as her. 

How is that abusive? How is seeing the absolute potential in your loved one wrong? I’ll tell you what it is. Its fucking beautiful. 

And she never said she was leaving for good. She said she was taking a break. Hear that word? Break? It means that she’s taking a rest. A short mental sit down to gather her bearings and get her life straight. Thats okay. We all have those moments because we are human and sometimes somethin in our life gets a little outta hand. Dont tell me youve never had that kinda moment, because thats bullshit. If you have a tumblr and you actively use it, then its bullshit and you can tell me otherwise.

At first she had her tumblrs still up, but you know what happened? She had to close them because, and I quote her on this, “It just didn't help to be trying to take a mental health break and being bombarded with messages from people who don't know me or my struggles or my husband trying to say that he's abusive.”

Now while I’m sure that wasnt what some people were trying to do, or what some people said. She is still human. She has a heart guys, you know this as well as I do. But ya’ll keep pushin where it dont need to be pushed. Its okay to worry, but its not okay when that worry ends up turning into more stress for her because yall are fucking shoving your nose where it dont belong. 

Guys, I’m gonna miss her too. Her fics were amazing, and she is an amazing person to talk to. But putting the blame on her husbands shoulders just because hes concerned for her and trying to look out for her is not the way to go. 

If she comes back to the fandom, thats great. If she decides that she would rather spend her life writing original stories, thats great as well. But don’t force it. Let it be her decision, and not everyone elses. 

[do-not-call-me-meathead]

aposiopesis (part 6)

My Orphan Black fic on AO3

part 1  part 2  part 3  part 4  part 5  part 7

@agoddamnsupernova

“Oi, sleepyheads,” Felix shouted as he blasted the door open with as much extravagance as he could muster.

Cosima and Sarah didn’t have time to jump away from each other. He saw them. Cosima’s leg over Sarah’s, the punk’s hand under Cosima’s shirt, both of them curled up so close that limbs were hard to tell apart (not just because their limbs were identical).

“Felix!” Sarah shouted and threw a pillow angrily at her brother. “Maybe a bit more warnin’ next time, yeah? Maybe a few knocks? Like a normal person.”

Felix put his hands on his hips and looked back and forth between the clones. “Next time put a sock on the door.”

“Piss off, Fee,” Sarah replied with a roll of her eyes. “What time is it?”

“Time for Kira and Charlotte to go. Arthur’s here and lookin’ like a snack. And time for everyone else to help me set up the art show. I need all hands on deck.”

Cosima wasn’t surprised by Sarah’s negative reaction to him mentioning the art show. She had heard Sarah complain about it to Art last night. She was happy for her brother, but she thought this was the worst timing.

“Yeah, a’right. We’ll be there in a sec.”

Felix locked eyes with Cosima before he left. The stare looked like he was trying to say: I hope you know what you’re doing.

“Felix has mastered walkin’ in on people, me specifically,” Sarah grumbled as she got up from the bed and put her hair up into a high messy bun that Cosima didn’t think she had ever seen before. Cosima tried to not gawk.

“Oi, voyeur, let’s go.”

...........

After washing up in the bathroom, Cosima headed for the kitchen where she heard what sounded like angry whispers. Something about it made Cosima stay back and listen.

“Fee,” Sarah groaned with what sounded like frustration. “Don’t.”

“You know how I feel about this, Sarah. It’s not healthy. You can’t keep doin’ this to yourself.”

“Doin’ what?” Sarah growled.

Felix sighed. “You feel something that she doesn’t feel. She’s with Delphine, darling.”

“I know, Fee. I know.”

At the end of their conversation, Cosima gulped. She wanted Sarah to argue. She wanted her to tell Felix that it wasn’t one-sided. That Cosima felt something too. But she didn’t. She didn’t know if Sarah believed her or not. But then again, she couldn’t forget that Delphine was in the equation. Cosima groaned. She hated being in this confusing position.

“Hey guys,” Cosima greeted loudly as she approached the siblings. She tried to ignore the fact that Sarah was just staring at her cup of tea. “Scott’s going to pick me up in a few minutes so we can develop more doses of the cure. But we will definitely be there for your art show, Felix.”

Felix smiled at her, though it seemed more forced than normal. “You better be there, darling. Alison and Donnie are setting up my loft right now. I’m avoiding their inevitable bickering.”

Sarah shrugged. “Maybe Alison won’t be controllin’ now that she’s all zen and shite.”

The two foster siblings stared at each other and then immediately broke out into rounds of laughter that even made Cosima chuckle a little.

“With all the illegal drugs you three have done, let’s cut her a little bit of slack about how she deals with her own addiction,” S stated wisely as she entered the kitchen, looking put together and beautiful as always. “Mornin’, chickens.”

Both Felix and Sarah grumbled in reply. Cosima knew they all smoked joints, but the looks on their faces made it seem like there were worse problems than just a little bit of pot.

“Good morning, Siobhan,” Cosima told her with a smile, still forever grateful the woman hadn’t hated her for what happened to her mother.

“Sleep well, Cosima? Sarah used to complain all the time about her terrible bed. I’ve never been able to ask someone about it since all of her nighttime visitors usually scattered by the morning.”

“Oh my god, S!” Sarah jumped up out of her chair and gaped at her foster mom.

Siobhan put her hands up in the air. “I wasn’t the one who had them over. So, Cosima. What’s the verdict?”

Cosima noticed that Sarah was glaring at her and that S was grinning in return. This was obviously something that she shouldn’t have gotten herself into.

“Gosh, uh, can I be Switzerland?”

Felix chuckled. “Join the club, Cos. S first asked me when I was ten. Don’t worry about them. Besides, we got places to be. Do you think Scotty will drive me to my place?”

Cosima sighed. This was already going to be a very long day.

.......

They had the cure. Enough for more than one hundred people. But there was an obvious problem. They didn’t know more than a few clones and didn’t know how many there actually were on the planet.

“It won’t be impossible to find the others, I mean, right?” Scott asked her once he realized she was deep in thought. “Katja found Beth. Beth found you and Alison. I mean, Helena found… my point is, we can do this.”

“You think?”

“With your tenacity and my skills? Hell yeah. We have time, Cosima. To find everyone.”

Cosima bit her lip. “I know we do. But what about them?”

Scott sighed and shook his head. “All we can do is our best. I mean, that’s all anyone can do. Now, c’mon. Isn’t there a party for us to attend?”

Cosima grinned at him. She didn’t know what she would have done without Scott Smith.

..........

Dancing wasn’t how she expected the night to go. She thought about the night when she was really sick, what felt like eons ago, when she first danced with her sestras, and how she thought it would be her last. She didn’t think she would be here. Dancing as everyone watched her. Dancing like she was art herself.

Delphine was there, watching, smiling. Cosima was smiling too. There was something infectious about the blonde’s dimpled smile that made the scientist forget every bad thing that happened between them.

Delphine was still smiling when Cosima found her, slightly drunken by the dance, her head still spinning.

“You look beautiful,” Delphine stated in a voice that usually makes Cosima shudder. “Even more than usual.”

“Well, thank you. Not being deathly ill helps, ya know?”

Delphine chuckled. “You have always been beautiful to me, ma chérie. You look happy. Free.”

“I am. I don’t know if we’re quite free yet, but it feels that way. Sarah’s not convinced, but that’s Sarah.”

Delphine stopped smiling and frowned. “Sarah’s very intuitive.”

Cosima sighed. “I’m sorry I’m being so… annoying with the whole me and you thing. You deserve better.”

Delphine shook her head. “You deserve to understand your heart, Cosima. That is the most important thing. When I understood mine, understood my love and devotion for you, everything else made sense. I can wait.”

“I love you for that.” Cosima leaned in and kissed her before Felix pulled them apart.

“Clone swap. Sarah’s here.”

Cosima groaned. “Bummer. Do I have to leave?”

Felix rolled his eyes and tugged her arm. “For me, you will. So quit snogging and come on.”

“Wait, Cosima!” Delphine shouted and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to her. “Siobhan asked me to give this to you.”

Cosima raised an eyebrow but didn’t think much of it. “Oh. Okay. I’ll see you later, Delphine.”

As Felix pulled her away, he muttered to her, “You two are cheeky. The ‘will they, won’t they’ thing is getting tiring though. Lesbians."

“Hey! Delphine’s bisexual! And you love me!” Cosima shouted when she was out the door.

“Of course I do, darling,” Felix replied with a toothy smile and blew her a kiss. “Send in Sarah.”

Cosima gave him a thumbs up and waited for Sarah to come up. She heard the punk’s footsteps and the sound of Adele’s constant jabbering.

“Sarah!” Cosima shouted once she saw the girl who didn’t look like she was attending an art show. “Felix is in there. He’s going to--”

“Have you seen S?” Sarah interrupted her, her eyes going back and forth like she was begging for something. Anything.

“No, but I--”

Sarah walked away with Adele mouthing apologies behind her. Cosima stood there and looked around. She was left alone.

.............

The Rabbit Hole was unusually quiet without anyone there. She thought about smoking a joint or going to sleep, but Delphine had appeared like a knight in shining armor, holding the proof to everything. The proof that could end everything.

“Loaded and ready to send to all the regulatory and oversight committees in the affected countries. As well as to old journalist friends of Siobhan at the guardian.”

“You guys did this for us.” It wasn’t a question. Cosima knew the answer. Everyone who had helped them along the way did it for them. Felix, Siobhan, Delphine, Scott, Art. The list only continued from there.

And more than that, it was Delphine who kept her promise in the end. She loved all of them. All the sestras. It made Cosima’s heart swell.

“You’re ready?”

“Just a second.”

Cosima stared at the screen and thought about freedom. About what she’d do with her freedom. How she would live without being property. Without being afraid or being sick or losing anyone else.

She turned to look at Delphine. Delphine. Who was here in this moment with her. Smiling, itching to press enter. Cosima loved her. It wasn’t a mundane kind of love that just anyone could find. It was the kind of beating love that had, at one point, felt alive.

Cosima gently used Delphine’s pointer finger to press enter. It submitted and the world felt like it dropped.

They laughed. They couldn’t imagine how it could all end with just the simple press of a button when everything else had been so difficult for them.

So difficult. For all of them. They lost Katja. Beth. Paul. MK. Kendall. Cosima cried. She wished that the dead could experience this moment with her. She wished that this had come sooner. Before anyone got kidnapped or got hurt or got murdered. She wished this submission turned back the time.

Delphine held her together. She promised her love and comfort and happiness. Cosima believed her. Despite not being able to always trust the blonde, she felt the words inside her bones. She was going to be okay.

When she pulled herself together, she remembered the note inside her pocket. Siobhan. Cosima knew that they wouldn’t have had this information if it hadn’t been for her. She opened it.

Cosima,

I never got to thank you for taking care of my Sarah. She’s a good girl but doesn’t know how to voice the things she wants. Protect her for me, will you? You have enough strength for both of you.

You are a bright woman, chicken. Always remember to see the light.

Siobhan.

Cosima stared at the elegant letters and felt her heart drop. There was something wrong with this letter. It seemed like a goodbye. Or an ending or…

Her phone rang. Felix.

.............

There was police tape in front of the house. It looked wrong there. Cops were exiting the house, but it seemed like Art was in charge. She exhaled with relief. Art was in charge.

“Cosima!” The detective called out and she ran toward him immediately. He looked angry and disheveled up close. “Keep your head down. Cops are all over the place. They just questioned Felix. They think it was a home invasion gone wrong. I’m going to make sure that’s what they keep thinking.”

“Who—?”

“Ferdinand. He’s also dead. The bodies are already out of the house but… Sarah hasn’t moved. Or said a thing. Or cried. Felix is the opposite. He’s also inside with Adele.”

Cosima wiped away the tears that were falling. “She did this for us, didn’t she?”

Art nodded almost stoically. “One of the bravest people I know. Look, I’d go see Sarah but--”

“No, you have enough to handle. I’ll call you if something changes.”

He nodded gratefully and walked away, commanding cops away from the premises. Art was trying to get outsiders as far away from the house as possible.

Cosima took a shaky breath and walked slowly toward the entrance of the house. She only had to knock on the door once for it to open. Felix stood there, his shirt soaked with tears, and pulled her into a hug as they both sobbed onto each other’s shoulders.

None of this felt real. They had lost people before, but she never thought they would lose S. Their rock. The woman who protected them and opened a whole family up to love.

“I’m so sorry,” Cosima repeated over and over again into Felix’s ear.

Once he pulled away and closed the door, he apologized. “We were supposed to vacate the house, but Art helped us out.”

“How’s Sarah?”

Felix looked far away. “I don’t know how much of Sarah is left.”

..................

“She screamed for a good long while when we first got here,” Felix explained as Adele put the mugs of tea in front of both of them. “She kept tryin’ to resuscitate her. They had to drag her away to get S’… Sarah hasn’t moved since.”

From her chair, Cosima stared at Sarah who was rocking slightly, her hands on her head and staring at the blood on the ground. She was covered with it herself.

“Have you called anyone else?”

“Alison. They’ll come round in the morning. Benjamin’s coming too. Said he wanted to… clean it all up. Delphine?”

“I told her to stay at the Rabbit Hole. She wanted to come with me but I thought…” Cosima felt like throwing up. “What happened?”

Felix gulped. “Guessin’ Ferdinand wasn’t too happy about us getting the file. I’m betting that Rachel used him.”

“Siobhan took a bullet for us.”

“You were her family,” Adele pointed out, less drunk than she was during the party. “Of course she did. God bless. What a woman.”

“What do we do about Sarah?”

Felix stared at his broken sister and muttered, “Who the bloody hell knows?”

.................

Cosima didn't remember much about the next few days.

What she did remember was staying up all night and hoping that Sarah would get up and go to sleep.

She remembered falling asleep on Felix’s shoulder and waking up to a bare floor and Sarah’s closed door.

She remembered getting up and bringing Sarah tea as Felix talked to people about a funeral and signing papers and the will.

She remembered seeing Benjamin and a bunch of men cleaning the floor.

She remembered Alison and Felix sobbing in the kitchen.

She remembered refusing to talk to Delphine, angry that Delphine hadn’t told anyone about their “deal” with Rachel and Ferdinand.

She remembered forcing Sarah to drink water and eat while trying to remember to do the same.

She remembered Felix’s frustration at his sister’s emptiness and trying to calm him down and remind him that grief hit people differently.

Sarah had only said two words before Kira came home. Two nights after Siobhan’s death, Cosima opened Sarah’s bedroom door and found the woman shivering under the covers. Without thinking, she crawled into the bed with her. She put her warm hands around her and pulled her close, hoping it would make Sarah feel alive again.

Cosima placed kisses on her cheeks, her forehead, her neck, her lips. She thought that Sarah would do something, anything. Even if it was a command for her to stop. And maybe, though Cosima wouldn’t want to admit it, she kissed her because she wanted the comfort too. She wanted the taste of Sarah’s skin on her lips. A reminder that she was alive too. Something.

She delicately held Sarah’s pointer finger and traced it over her tattoo and whispered to her the beauty of science, of the cycle of life and death.

“The shell was once inhabiting life, but it becomes empty It always does. To us, it’s more beautiful. Fossilized and demanding of our attention. The end isn’t always the end.”

She thought Sarah wasn’t listening. That was, until she said, “Thanks, ‘Sima.” It was the opposite of her usual nickname. She liked ‘Cos’ more.

But it Kira made her mom come back to life. Art brought her over and Felix and Adele had explained to the young girl about Siobhan’s death, about Sarah’s darkness. Kira cried into her uncle’s shirt but then pointed out how they needed to be strong for her mom.

“Monkey,” Sarah breathed out in a raspy voice after not using it for so long. “I’m so sorry, monkey.”

The two hugged for what seemed like hours. With Kira in her arms, Sarah was able to help Felix with the funeral and wake. They planned it quickly (decided on doing it the next day), not wanting to have to deal with it any longer. Cosima understood why she couldn’t be there, but it still hurt. She wanted to say goodbye to Siobhan and be there for Sarah.

“You can go back to the Rabbit Hole,” Felix whispered as the two of them watched Kira and Sarah fall asleep on the couch. His voice was colder than it had been. Like something has changed. “We’ve got this, now.”

“Felix…?”

He sat up straighter and turned to her. “You’re makin’ it worse. You know that, don’t you?”

Cosima didn’t know what he was talking about. “What?”

“Love, you don’t really think I don’t know what’s goin’ on, do you? What you’re doing in Sarah’s bedroom at night? You’re confusing her. Messing with her.”

Tears sprung to her eyes. “Fee…”

“You have Delphine. Your girlfriend. The French blonde that made you almost put a bleeding bot in your mouth. Don’t let Sarah think that she’s the only one that matters because we both know that’s not true.”

Shame radiated through Cosima’s body. He was right. She wasn’t being fair to Sarah or her feelings. Cosima felt something and as a scientist, she wanted to explore it. She didn’t even consider the possibility that Sarah… felt even a fraction of what she felt for her.

“I know. It’s complicated. It’s not… I love Delphine. But I feel something--”

“No.” Felix interrupted and put a hand on Cosima’s shoulder. “No, this is not the time, Cosima, for you to experiment with your feelings. Sarah’s a person, not a lab rat. And she’s already vulnerable. Don’t do this to her.”

Some crazy part of her thought Felix would understand. That all she’d have to do was explain that she felt something for both of them, while incredibly different, and wanted to understand both feelings.

Felix glowered at her. “I don’t want you to mess with her. Even if she wants it because I know she does. Unless you’re done with Delphine, like really done with her, I don’t want you to be snogging her, touching her. Got it?”

Cosima nodded. Felix was just trying to protect his sister and she understood that. And she knew that this was wrong and unfair to both Sarah and Delphine, but she couldn’t help her feelings. Not when they were this strong and overwhelming.

She agreed to put a halt on anything that could resemble romance with Sarah. She just didn’t know how long she could last with the pause.

-------------------

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