#never thought id have the reactions ive had to a game like this

[sacredglitch]

I've been on/off this platform for a while and NGL I have stepped away from all the fandoms I love her in lieu of Genshin Impact

A game I despised like two or more years ago (I started playing in 1.4 okay?) and dropped for a bit due to getting stuck in Inazuma

I've now completed the Fontaine questline and holy shit. The ROLLERCOASTER of emotions it brings you on.

I streamed my whole experience of it and I'm glad I did cause there was so many feelings had throughout it. From a lot of love for new characters, to some hatred for others to then overwhelming sadness at the end. It's been a journey that I'm glad I had some viewers along with me for it.

Time to engorge myself in new ships and see if I can reawaken some of the other fandoms I would post about here. I've missed this place.

[nightmaredxydreams]

we've been seeing transramcoa shit and we need to make a public vent about it so people who identify as transramcoa or are considering it won't.

major tw. this goes into detail about csa, deeply.

ok so, im the host. i never knew i went through ramcoa until about a couple years ago, even with clues and shit. i only found out after i met someone else who did and i could relate to their story. so i did research on ramcoa and yep, i fit it in just about every way possible. i literally checked off every box on some list of signs youre a ramcoa survivor. then i realized... i had been programmed for whatever reaction the handler wanted, whatever they wanted me to do, i felt like i was a game and they were the player. i was always told "youre so naive and dumb" and finding out i was a ramcoa survivor made me feel even more naive and dumb. like i was to blame. i felt like if i wasnt so naive and dumb, i wouldnt have been programmed. and the more i found out about ramcoa, the more i discovered the programmed alters. and thats when the persecutory voice in my head got worse. i felt like i was faking ramcoa, faking DID and faking trauma entirely. i felt like i wanted it to be cool or as an excuse for me being "born broken and worthless" with all my trauma responses i didnt even remember the trauma to have. my mental health tanked severely. i was covered in cuts, suicidal, attempted many times, and was reaching out for validation in places i shouldnt have. i drove friends away who couldnt deal with my constant heavy venting. i felt like i was faking or had too much baggage to deserve a friend. i felt like i deserved ramcoa when i believed it happened to me. i became more insecure about my body (this went with the denial- id think i was too ugly to be sex trafficked and i thought i made it all up to be "cool" and "not a virgin" since the body is disabled and cant really have sex) and more hypersexual than ever. when i found out i survived ramcoa, i either felt like it didn't really happen to me and like i was faking or i deserved it when i thought it happened. most of the time i thought it didnt, because your brain doesnt want you to know you have that trauma especially if you have DID. your brain doesnt even want you to know you have DID. if you are a real ramcoa survivor you will feel severe denial it happened and... broken for no reason. like you never went through anything severe so why are you this way? then you deal with the realization it happened and you feel used, dirty, dumb, like a game or a robot, not a real human. trust me, you dont want to be a ramcoa survivor. is that not enough for you? well heres more on how the sex trafficking affected my body and relationships...

i was hypersexual ever since i can remember. i was a three year old child and acting out sexual touching with dolls and imaginary friends. i was only three years old and had shame that i did it, even though nobody knew i did it. i was so developmentally disabled i couldnt put real sentences together or communicate, yet i felt shame for sexually touching dolls and imaginary friends. living my life not knowing i was sexually abused and asked how i discovered my sexuality, i answered with "ive always liked girls sexually ever since i could remember" and had to have it pointed out to me thats not normal and its a sign of sexual abuse. i always thought it was a normal kid thing to be sexual that little. wanting answers as to who violated me when i was so little, i asked the people who lived with me at the time who answered with "maybe it was your step grandfather. you were never alone alone with him so it had to have been brief touches that were a second" when im alone in almost all my memories from when i was little. after getting told "well its maaayyybe him but it cooouuuld be your cousin since she sexually abused you when you were older" and relying completely on external validation to validate what was on my inside, i flip flopped around with it and some people thought my inconsistency about trauma was me lying when i truly didnt know what happened. i lost friends and was doubted by people when i was desperately seeking validation. now to what it did to my body...

i have bladder issues from being sexually touched causing me to have utis. i have uti like pain almost every time i pee. ive been raped with plastic (almost sharp) objects and feel sharp pains in my somatic flashbacks to being raped. i will literally be doing nothing and boom, i feel a sharp pain down there. my vagina rejects tampons or really anything that goes inside it. i feel like someone stuck something up my ass every time i get done taking a shit. i have sudden nausea that doesnt feel like it belongs to me out of nowhere. i have been fucked so much my body is fucked up too. i want hugs, i love affection and it makes me feel important and safe, but i feel like my body is too violated to be loved and i get anyone who touches me dirty and they should feel ashamed for hugging me and i should feel ashamed for letting them.

you don't want this severe mental pain. you dont wanna be like me. you don't want this life. and if you do, you're fucking sick. fuck you.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for leaving a voice chat without telling my friends why

(were all adults)

recently me and a few friends started voice chatting every day in the evening, but ive noticed my mood dipping a lot at those times lately. today was another low point. we didnt have anything to do, so one of my friends (L) suggested watching a new show together, but i didnt really feel like watching it yet and the other friend in the vc at the time (K) didnt really reply. So we ended up playing a game together instead, and i got annoyed at something small so i told them id be gone for a moment to listen to loud music (since that usually helps me calm down/distract my brain from whatever got me feeling weird before). When i came back to the vc, I tried telling them why i got in a bad mood but they kinda brushed it off and i didnt feel like they were taking me seriously at all.

we kept playing for a bit but then i asked L to start a new topic so i could distract myself from bad thoughts and they suggested the show again, which i denied bc i really wasnt in the mood to watch it at that time. Then L started talking about how im often the one to suggest watching stuff together and they always say yes, but im never in the mood to watch anything they suggest. i started feeling even worse and asked if we can watch it together another time bc i really wasnt feeling it at the moment (i was also starting to cry but i dont think they noticed). L said that im always saying no or pushing stuff they suggest to another day and how a few years ago when we were both still in puberty i often suggested stuff and was 'always immediately in a bad mood' when they said no.

all of that wasnt helping my brain at that moment at all so i tried a few more times to kind of explain my pov and asked if we can watch it another time but they kept going on about how im 'always like that'. i was kind of spiraling the whole time and at some point i couldnt hold my thoughts back anymore and yelled back at L and told them that 'its really great to hear that weve been friends for years but this one thing i do was and is always annoying to you and you hate that i am like that and you hate everything i do and you hate me anyway' and stormed out of my room while knocking a lot of stuff over.

when i had calmed down a bit and could actually think properly again i was lying in the dark on my kitchen floor and after some minutes i got myself to get up, go back to my pc and turn if off (i had knocked down a monitor and some other stuff during my emotional reaction/escape before).

but when i did, i saw that my other screen showed me as still in the game, so i was probably still in the vc too while i was gone until i came back to turn off my pc, which probably means that after i left they tried to explain themselves and took me not replying as being bitchy or hurt about it until i turned the pc off (and left the vc), but i cant know for sure. Right now, K and L are still in the vc doing other stuff together but i dont feel well enough to message either of them or rejoin or do anything about it yet, my mind is kind of just blank.

but the tiny part of me that has the ability to think right now feels really bad about overreacting again and assuming that they hate me and just leaving without giving them the chance to explain themselves and then just turning off the pc without telling them anything. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[armedinkblot]

i dont make fan theories often bc i tend to daydream off into things that cant possibly be real, but i think maybe this new mimic game preview, where they look like puppet, proves a theory i had a while ago

hear me out please

charlie is glamrock freddy

OKAY OKAY SO HEAR ME OUT THOUGH-

SO in security breach we know that something is odd with freddy. logically ive always kinda chalked it up to the fact he probably has the best antivirus bc hes the lead man so thats why he doesnt attack gregory after vanny's tampering bc personally ive never felt good about michael possessing him

(i get why people like that but michael was only kept alive bc of the scoopers remnant, so if you guys want him to be the mc in fnaf6 hes gotta be dead, pick one please i see good fuel for both)

so who is freddy??? well hold onto your socks bc i got something that you mightve already thought about idk BUT someone in the fnaf6 ending was never a remnant being and wasnt shown dying--

we get so many hints at puppet everywhere (the wiring, the dolls, yanno youve prolly seen them pointed out already), but there is no mention of charlie/puppet ANYWHERE by name to gregory

so heres my idea:

we know through sources that remnant is what happens when soul matter touches metal, and that if there is no reaction between a souls agony and some kinda steel, remnant aint happenin. remnany is functionally what made william/springtrap 'immortal' and michael survive ennard. we know thats what henry was aiming to melt down to undo the binding of the souls and the metal in fnaf6.

but puppet was never metal. every time we see puppet, it floats around or wiggles like a plushie. puppet is a fluffy soft toy that clearly does NOT have any bones.

wibbly wobbly

we also see it half-transparent in hallways, like- oh yanno- A GHOST???

i know fnaf has strayed further away from the haunted aspect and more into scifi, but what if puppet was our tie to classic haunts this whole time?

id like to point to this line that glamrock freddy says the first time you visit the fnaf6 sinkhole with him:

THE FIRST HALF OF THE MESSAGE: puppet/charlie definitely HAS been here before as we see in fnaf6, and we know that in between fnaf6 and help wanted old fazbear workers brought circuits torn out of scraptrap from the fnaf6 ruins to silver parasol games for scanning and utilizing, and thats more than likely where glitchtrap came from, but what does freddy mean by this?

im not sure exactly

you could argue that its cassidys vengeful spirit forcing charlie to continue clinging to earth in freddy ("she brought me here" if you consider cassidy to be a lil girl) which i personally would not put forcing their friend's spirit to haunt earth as long as part of afton is active past them, theyre a spiteful lil shit) but this isnt the meat of my theory so ill leave it

now the other half of the message, about glamrock freddys friends being angry and confused, really has the same vibe as these two puppet ucn lines to me

i think if theory this is true, this also could be good news for the moltenmci theory that i also subscribe to

ANYWAY these lines have similar energy to me, what with the whole "i am fine and calm but these guys? YEESH theyre cray" thing.

lemme tie it together real quick:

charlie dies and her ghost decides "hey i should stick around to stop william and maybe help those lost babies" so she possesses puppet!

the fact shes a complete spirit and not just the raw emotion from remnant means shes way way WAY more coherant and clever than the other animatronics

in fnaf6 shes put in lefty, which i think henry did to try and force charlies spirit to become remnant by interacting with the animatronic's metal, but it doesnt work bc charlies already a ghouly ghoul and aint havin that

so when the pizzeria simulator place burns down, sure the puppet and lefty were gone but was charlie's spirit? NO bc it wasnt remnant! fire doesnt touch ghosts silly casette man!!!

thats why, lemme draw your attention to the fact that CHARLIE IS NEVER SHOWN GETTING FREED:

SHES NEVER SHOWN IN THE ENDING BC ITS SYMBOLIC FOR HER STILL BEING AROUND

so what happened after that? well security breach takes place in and above the sinkhole that once was the fnaf6 location. spirits, in many folklores, do not tend to stray too far from their resting place most of the time

so if charlie, now a freed spirit with nowhere to go and nothing personal to possess (sorry about your puppet), finds out that afton is still possessing endoskeletons and having his brainwashed people kill people for funsies bestie? she aint having that

this was the kid that decided instead of just passing on to heaven or whatever, to STAY BEHIND AND HELP THE OTHER KIDS TAKE WILLIAM DOWN. she is described by henry as selfless and always helping others instead of herself

also need i remind you of charlies most famous act of trying to help (but accidently making things worse by prolonging the suffering instead of 'giving life'?)

this bitch would 100% possess the strongest thing she could to try and stop him, the strongest being glamrock freddy.

now after years of being manipulated into being freddy and acting as him/working with his programming, she might not have a clear understanding of who she once was. so, when glamrock freddy says "i found myself for the first time when i cleared the path" what if he means she remembered what she originally came here to do?

what if she left all the calling cards on purpose? what if she left the plushies around as a reminder of who she is so she doesnt forget why shes still tied to earth? so she remembers to stop afton instead of just let the programming take over?

bc if you remember, we're all fairly certain william only runs away to balloon boys voice in fnaf3 bc of the animatronic's programming it wouldnt be too out of place for charlie to struggle with it too, tho in a different way.

as for mimic...

the REAL reason i wanted to bring it up is bc this looks like puppet. this music box plays the puppet song my grandfathers clock, and then mimic pops out.

the most common question i see is why mimic is referencing puppet, and my theory explains that:

if charlie is in the pizzaplex, then mimic probably knows all about her. everything about her. tales from the pizzaplex has an ongoing plotline where mimic is literally stalking and studying the other characters obsessively, so whos to say his connection in the baobab tree didnt get him access to ""memory files"" or whatever its called when agony/remnant is imprinted on circuitry like with scraptrap and glitchtrap.

so yeah, heres my theory on what happened to charlie and whos REALLY possessing glamrock freddy!!!

i wrote this at 6AM after pulling an all nighter sorry if its hectic and poorly written; i actually wanna make a theory video bc i really think i have something substantial here, but idk how well recieved this would be hehe

i will also accept chica being possessed by charlie bc of twisted animatronic's videos on chicas crying and fighting the hacking

thanks for reading!!! pls be nice im scared lol

[spotsupstuff]

i followed a long time ago, i cant remember for what originally, and i never unfollowed, but when you got into rain world my reaction was basically "ah! i do not want to spoil myself! i will play it soon and come back later!" that being said, i only remembered to actually play it a few days ago, and thought maybe it might be fun to share a few of my thoughts with you, someone who knows a ton about the game, as me, someone who knows absolutely nothing but what ive stumbled into so far. not for an explination or anything, i just think itd be fun (i know i like hearing about people experiencing things for the first time that i like, so i thought id send this here, in case you do too)

i dont Think ive gotten very far yet? i just met pebbles. and felt pretty in character, as like my little white cat i had no idea what was going on and then i was... for lack of a better way to say it Gravitated into a hole. ive been very good at seeing no spoilers yet, so based off my One interaction so far all i have to say is that pebbles seems? real sad and defeated, but in the "the sun is going to explode one day so nothing matters" type way. poor thing needs to get a dog or maybe a house plant. something to take care of i think. also pebbles has a Lot of those little floating jellys. i dont know what theyre called but i figure theyre related to like, power? it makes me want to try and bring moon some because theres so few there. i could obviously tell moon wasnt doing great but if theres supposed to be that many of the jellies, and theres only five, moons probably doing worse then i thought. idk, i feel like ill be able to go back at some point, and itd suck, but id be willing to try and bring moon a couple of pebbles jellies. ive very stubborn.

i proved that by spending a little over 8 hours going through unfortunate development because i didnt know there was another way. when i looked it up later and learned it was entirely optional after beating it i... well.

Ignoring the agony i experienced learning that though i can say im having a lot of fun! and also that i hate specifically the white lizards and the shadow spider centipede things. and also that bridge. but so far everything else has been very fun

I don't care much for things like this, no, but it's good you are having fun and get to develop your own opinions on stuff in the game.

[iwillbecomealawyer]

how aloy reacted to both varl and talanah when it comes to their respective partners lives in my head rent free.. she deserves to be happy

and the cutscenes showing her reaction with varl and talanah,, didnt help??;$,& like id like to think the animators fucked up the rigs or something but it rly does look like she was uncomfortable/jealous in both when talking to/about their s.os

some examples are the scene where aloy just looked so somber when she insisted varl to go with zo to plainsong, how she averted her gaze when both of them kissed, and her blatant confusion or might i say even jealousy when she saw how close vo and varl were

one other way to look at it since the game is rly hammering the ‘no man is an island’ message in, is that maaybe aloy is more sad on the fact one of her most trusted companions left her and shes kind of upset about that and during that brief moment she realises how much she values them. i rly like varl and aloy together honestly and im so glad i got to see more of their dynamic. they seemed to rly care about each other and hold the same values, with varl literally following her just so she doesnt hurt herself like wow ok you are DEDICATED. and yeah id just like to think aloy kinda realized what she was missing when he went off with zo

and as for talanah… ohhh talanah. i have a lot of Thoughts about the quest but rn ill just talk about aloy (and me probably being delirious from too much copium honestly)

i can only read it as aloy trying to be invested in talanah’s relationship but she was just not. she played a little tease for her in the beginning but she just became less and less enthusiastic trying to console her about amadis. and that enthusiastic ‘really?!’? her smile when talanah hugged her? come oooon. girl was pining

what i at least liked about this quest is how aloy has always shown to be dismissive or new about the idea of friends but once talanah was mentioned, she was open to calling her ‘an old friend’. she was even willing to point out how she wanted to see her despite her important quest. and in the actual sidequest, she was willing to help her all the way through. i would talk more about these two’s relationship more in a separate post but hajamdmsmfmsm im too incoherent for analytic shit but we’ll see ill most probably do it and word vomit lmao

however with all of this said, i could also see it in a way that aloy is simply not knowledgeable about the idea of love, which is very understandable since shes never had an ounce of social or romantic interaction in her life until the past year. so yeah i can admit im coping too much and i choose to stay this way bc crumbs orz

ANYWAY i digress i havent finished forbidden west yet but all i literally want from this game is for aloy to have HER definition of a happy ending. ive seen her stressed, sad and angry too much already… she doesnt need a love interest okay im fine with that!! i just really want her to be happy

[transhoverfish]

so when playing the first game i never got my cyclops damaged enough to encounter abandon ship in the wild and only heard it while listening ti the ost right. it slaps anyways ao i decided to set it as my alarm in the morning and its only now that i get the kneejerk adrenaline reaction to hearing it that i shouldve while playing agshscags just thought youd find it funny

HONESTLY i still have only heard abandon ship like twice in creative?? im v cautious in my vehicles.... ive never had one destroyed yet.... i just swim out and hope i don't die, i do NOT let my precious vehicles within range of destruction KAHDKABRKAGF

BUT YEAH. ID DREAD WAKING UP IF I HAD IT AS MY ALARM ID FREAK OUT EVERY SINGLE MORNING AKDVAKHD

[normal-thoughts-official]

I.t.a (Identity thief anon)

I thought I had replied (if I did and you just hadn't post it it's 1000% fine ahshs)

I love Elliott so much!! And his crush is so cute (but also looking at the bigger picture is hilarious that I killed his would be father in law lmao) also awfullest thing pixelberry did was making me choose if I wanted to be his legal guardian or if I wanted him to be emancipated only to not have to do any of them since, you know, our grandpa was still alive...

Also I thought about it way too much for a choice (with no actual impact) in a game ahshshshhs, emotionally wise I'd have wanted to be his legal guardian but I think it'd make more sense (legally) emancipation because he would still get government help but there wouldn't be a risk of someone taking him away of in case I wasn't a successful guardian, and he could apply for scholarships more easily while I worked or something lmao I was just excited in that part.

I know there are some books in which you can be poly but the only I remember was moty (mother of the year) which was a better than expected book (to be fair I didn't goof have expectations) and in that one I started to date the three love interests <3

How far along are you in endless summer, who are you romancing, what do you think of the classmates + lila and what do you think about the story in general 👀

u hadnt replied!!!! hi i missed you!!

i didnt know u could be polyam in moty! i might try it out then, i never gave it a shot cuz i hate the idea of having kids 😬 but anything for rep i guess

and YEAH I KNOW DIDNDIDNDO i love elliot so much and him and robbie are SO cute together but damn his in law straight up tried to kill us huh. like robbie deserves better than bobert or whatever his name is and im glad to have killed him but

also okay im in the middle of the second book idnfidndidndo around the part where the arachnids show up for jake. my opinions so far are kind of messy but uhhh

grace and raj are my faves, hands down. craig is a close second

i like almost everyone except for jake because hes just military propaganda in a trenchcoat with that annoying wahh im too conflicted to care about anyone white boy complex, and aleister because he was a dick to grace. idc how much he simps for her now she deserves better than him. and Quinn is kind of whatever. like her whole personality is uwu and its kind of annoying but i dont hate her or anything

the story is such a fucking mess?? udndidn i have NO CLUE whats going on 😩 if they manage to make everything make sense by the end ill be REALLY impressed cuz damn wtf is going on

im romancing sean!!!!!! what can i say, i have a type and that type is self sacrificial idiot. he has a heart of gold and he deserves better and aaaa 😭😭 u idiot man stop putting ur life in danger as the instinctual reaction BLEASE. i just want to wrap him in a blanket and make him take care of himself for once

i also like estela a lot but im not really that interested in romancing her ig? i enjoy our moments together but my feelings for her are more casual ig

i rlly want to like lila but i cannot stand her simping for discount tony stark my god. please lord just make it end

i rlly like everyone's dynamics???? its so nice to see how the group has been growing together more and more. i love them ❤️

i LOVE the vaanti. every last one of them. my beloveds. if they tried to kill us it's cuz theyre valid

varyyn and diego are the greatest couple this game has ever given me i am SO grateful for them. i just got to their first kiss and aaaaaa it was so sweet. upset at choices for not giving me art of their kiss when i had to watch aleister and grace's but 😩 its fine im fine. holding onto hope that ill get art of them eventually but i dont want to look it up and risk spoiling myself

i actually like craig and zahra as a couple a lot too which i didnt expect. i still dont fully understand what happened between them but i really hope they work it out :(

on that note i love zahra. anticapitalist queen. cant believe she fucking hacked wall street. id die for this woman even tho she wasted tiramisu

tbh i dont wanna get off the island. like what for? to go to college? when i could stay with the cool vaanti culture and be happy and not have to worry about capitalism and have sick ass tattoos? lets just kill tony stark and stay there besties

really like how they made the MC's past a mystery? like yeah we have absolutely zero past and backstory as per usual but this time it actually is an integral part of the story that we dont know that we were born in la huerta or basically anything about ourselves truly (even tong stinky didn't so like?). and it was nice to see that being a part of the story rather than just this weird feeling of detachment from the MC

the MC is so stupid and i love him

sean and craig are gay for each other. michelle and quinn are gay for each other. i diagnose everyone with gay

i literally dont have a single theory as to what the hell is going on like not one. and i have gotten almost every clue/idol/file but like i literally have no idea how to tie all of this together. this is such a mess didndkdndkdndidn im kind of excited to see what happens because ES seems to be so popular in the fandom i can only imagine the plot is gonna blow my mind, but im kind of afraid of being disappointed

and thats all ive got so far i think? udndidjd god

[swellwriting]

LOVER 4/18

- THE MAN -

Bucky x Reader/ The Winter Soldier x Reader

A/N: You do not need to be familiar with the song/ Album to read this!!!

Word Count: 2.3k      Part 3      Series Masterlist   Part 5

Warning: Mentions of injury and blood on the wrists that may be triggering to some. (though not intentionally, they are self-inflicted...handcuffs suck.) Also Sexual references but nothing major. The usual violence.

Summary:  “You were tired of being handcuffed to a bed not allowed to leave, you hated being denied drugs and then sedated for hours on end. You wanted to have control again.”

Nat told Tony to stop holding back on your meds, and of course, he listened. Not exactly in the way she intended it to be done though. They kept you heavily sedated, unconscious for an entire day after your first “session” with Wanda.

When you finally came to you felt so groggy, you knew something was wrong. You ate the cold food placed beside your bed and decided then and there that you were going to put an end to these games, whatever Tony was playing with you. And if this meant never seeing Winter or Bucky again, you didn’t care. You were tired of being handcuffed to a bed and not allowed to leave, you hated being denied drugs and then sedated for hours on end. You wanted to have control again.

Before you were too weak to break out of your chains, but the poison has completely run its course so you take your bandage off to see your wound almost completely healed, there is a dark bruising around it and red angry lines in your skin. It will leave a scar but it fits in fine with all the others so you don't really care.

You push your bed tray onto the floor and twist the chains around your hands gripping them roughly and yanking hard on them. The handcuffs don't come free but you rip the metal bars on the sides of the hospital bed clean off, great.

You push your blankets down and all the metal junk clanks together like you’re a damn human wind chime. You push your feet against one of the metal bars and pull your hand away, the cuff digs into the skin of your wrist cutting the sides open and you try to ignore the pain since you can feel the chain weakening and then it snaps, metal clangs to the floor and you look up to see if anyone heard it and is coming.

If the nurse did hear she definitely would be running the opposite direction anyway.

You repeat your actions, place your feet on the other bar, push and pull, your other wrist gets cut open but you don't stop, you are so close, snap! The handcuffs and the bit of chain that was connecting them to the bed hang from your wrists but you are free, you feel free. As if the chains were weighing you down you feel light, at ease and it’s great, but you didn’t think this through.

What now? You look around the room and then get up and walk down the hall.

-

“I just don’t trust her, she seems wrong. Not that you can ever really trust a woman,” Tony jokes as him Sam and Steve are standing in the hallway outside the medical ward.

“So if I was a man, you could trust me?” You ask as you lean against the wall, the chains and cuffs hang broken from your wrists covered in blood from the cuts they left, blood drips down your arm and onto the floor where you riped your IV out.

“Not particularly,” Tony says and looks you down head to toe admiring your handiwork. “I take it you’re feeling better, why don't you go back and lie down,” he says and it’s so condescending you can’t help the eye roll that comes by instinct.

“I'm tired of being told what to do, of being held a prisoner even though I have done nothing wrong.” You argue.

“You say that with a lot of confidence,” Sams asks, knowing your ledger is just as red as Bucky and Nats.

“I've never done anything wrong to you guys.”

“Spring!” Wanda says, walking into the hallway seemingly the only person concerned about your bloody hands and the trail on the floor behind you, “what did you do?”

You hold up your bloody hands and shrug, aware that there wasn’t really any explaining you could do. Bruce walks down the hallways and is quick to act.

“What the f-,” he stops and wraps his hands around your wrists gently, stopping the blood flow and then walks you backwards down the hallway back to your room, glaring at Tony the entire way. This was his fault in Bruce’s eyes, he told Tony that the handcuffs should have been removed days ago.

Bruce sits you down and Wanda removes the handcuffs with her powers and you thank her, but she isn’t happy with what you’ve done and you can tell on her face.

Bruce starts cleaning the wounds and stitching you up.

“I'm sure you don’t want to “talk” today,” Wanda asks, still unsure of what to call this thing you are doing, this treatment?

“No we can, I'm fine, was just tired of those cuffs, we can start now if you’d like.” You try to sound not so upset but you’re so tired of being treated the way you have been, of being told what to do, of being talked down to and treated differently. You remember the first time Hydra tried to treat you differently than Winter, and you remember the fit you threw to make sure it never happened again.

It’s what your mind goes to as you close your eyes, Wanda’s red glowing hands the last thing you see before the memories start like pressing a play button.

-

“Asset, you can’t go on this mission, It’s one for The Winter Soldier only, it’s too high stakes and you aren’t ready.” An unnamed officer explains to you as if you are too stupid to understand him. You are stood in one of the labs, having your blood drawn by a lab assistant to your left who seems nervous, looking over your face to see a reaction to being told no.

“Did Winter say that?” You ask.

“No, I did.” Strucker, the Head of your Hydra base among many others, said sternly and you went quiet. “You aren't as strong as him, you aren't as quick or skilled yet, we can’t afford to let this mission fail because we let some girl handle it.”

And something about the way he says that makes your blood boil with rage, like a kettle boiling over you are unable to contain your inner thoughts.

“So If I was a man I could go on the mission. If I was a big strong man I could handle this simple intel mission on my own. I'm so sick of being built up to be this big weapon for Hydra, your big threat only for you to ridicule me and limit me to missions that require seduction and tight dresses as if I couldn’t slit a man’s throat with pants on!”

The unnamed officer lets out a laugh and you give him a deadly glare before looking back to Strucker. He ignores you and you continue, you’ve said too much to take it back so you might as well vent.

“I'm so sick of running as fast as I can and trying to learn everything as fast as I can, perfecting my skills, proving I can be better than Winter in some things. Now I’m left to wonder If I could be Hydra’s number 1 soldier if only I was a man since that seems to be all that’s holding me back!” You yell which startles the lab assistant who is quickly finishing up taking your blood sample, removing the needle and then backing away to the safety of his desk.

“Perhaps you’d be number one if you weren’t sleeping with your coworkers,” the officer jokes, clearly referring to you and Winter even if they aren't certain of what’s going on.

“Yes because that would be a total one-sided thing, I should be punished for seducing him, yet he shouldn’t get reprimanded at all for fucking me as if it would be a one-person job that I’m doing all by myself!” You say with vigour, hatred laced in your voice for the officer. You don't know his name but he is quickly becoming the person you hate most, and that says a lot since you are in a room with Strucker.

“Well if it is a two-man job you just let me know.” The officer says and it would sound like a joke but the look in his eyes tells you it’s everything but, a threat he wishes he could hold up to. He leans in close as he unties the rubber band from your arm, touching your skin with grabby fingers, putting his face all too close to yours.

Perhaps it’s because you know they see you as just a woman who can’t control her emotions, they paint you up to be so bad, a hostile and reckless killing machine but they don't trust you. So in your mind, it’s okay that you’re mad, that you’re fed up and you’ve had enough. 

You want to be taken seriously but everything that’s been wired into your brain says there is only one way to show that. So before he can even finish laughing to himself at his own joke, or before he can imagine fucking you in his head you put an end to his thoughts altogether. You close the distance between you in seconds and tackle him to the ground.

“Oh if I was a man, then id be The Man.” You say as you spit in his face. Strucker, the head of Hydra stands there and watches, not stopping you, wanting to see the weapon he created in action. You grab your knife from your thigh holster and slit his throat wide open deep. There’s so much blood that your hand is dripping wet before you pull it away. There is blood splattered on your face and in your hair, your knees are in the puddle that’s quickly growing and u smudge it across the floor and get up.

“Make sure your officers know their place, I am not below them. Number 2 on your list is still miles above them, I am no one’s toy or object. I do my job and I do it well, I deserve their respect!” You say with wild eyes, covered in blood, yet you don’t scare Strucker in the least.

“I’ll make sure they are aware, Asset Number 2,” he says your given name so boldly, to remind you that you may be no object of the officers, but you are his object, his asset and he is Hydra.

Just then Winter walks in completely confused by the scene in front of him, but he has to act like he doesn't care too much. He can’t let them know he is really in love with you. Sure they may be onto the fact that something is going on, especially after what the now dead and forever nameless officer said to you.

There is no harm in sexual relations between their top two soldiers. They aren't about to try to actively stop you, but they aren't going to openly allow it either. Soldiers, Assets they think you have no feelings, so there no harm in acting on basic human needs right? Who else did they think Winter would want to sleep with? Some lowly officer? A lab assistant? No, of course not, he chose the closest thing to his equal, or that’s how they see it anyway.

You walk past Winter without a word, you aren't mad at him. You want nothing more than to fall into his arms and cry and complain but you can’t do that here, can’t show weakness. So you walk down the hallway with your head held high. The officers and lab rats stare as you pass them, a bloody smeared smile on your face daring them to test you, showing them what happens when they cross a line with you.

Earning your respect, or maybe just fear.

“So what do you think, Soldier?” Strucker asks Winter, seemingly calm and uncaring to the whole event that just occurred.

“I'm not sure what you mean Sir?” Winter replies, standing up straight, monotone voice.

“I'm sure you can deduct what happened here, the officer on the floor pushed the other asset a little too far, made her mad and this is how she reacted. What do you think?”

“I think you made her into a weapon first, and then a soldier after. Which I don't think is a problem, just needs to be handled differently, and certainly, with a level of respect I had seen her not getting in the past.” Bucky answers clearly, trying to give a well-thought-out answer.

“I think you’re right,” Strucker says with a sickening smile as he picks up a phone and then calls some officers to the room to clean up the bloody mess.

Winter can’t help but smile inside, he should be angry that someone pushed you this far but he’s glad to know you’re standing up for yourself. He feels like he doesn't have to worry as much.

-

“That was nothing like what you showed me the other day,” Wanda says with wide eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, it’s just where my mind brought me.”

“I've seen worse, don't worry about me.”

Bruce is patching up your wrists still, eyes wide as he doesn't look up at you.

“Sorry Bruce, I should have waited until you were further away I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay. Now I know not to piss you off,” he jokes, looking up at you with a lopsided smile.

“We have to agree not to piss each other off I guess?” You joke back and he chuckles, finishing patching you up.

Tony had left the floor before the memory started, so it wasn’t accidentally projected into his mind but Steve and Sam were still down the hall, just close enough to have to witness that.

“You were harsh earlier,” Steve says, concerned.

“Harsh? I was right and we just saw that. She’s not innocent!” Same argues.

“Are any of us really?”

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Part 5

[anastasiaskarsgard]

TO THE ANON THAT ASKED FOR A SMUTTY CHEATER BILL STORY HERE YA GO. I INITIALLY DELETED THE REQUEST BECAUSE I DONT CONDONE CHEATING BUT THEN I THOUGHT, ITS FAN FICTION. NO ONE TAKES IT SERIOUSLY AND IVE GOTTEN A FEW REQUESTS FOR THIS SO HERE YA GO.

Here’s part 1: https://anastasiaskarsgard.tumblr.com/post/188138288236/this-is-a-really-involved-request-so-im-breaking

And here is PART 2

Warning!!! Smut 18+ mature content.

As we pulled into the parking lot, everything hit me at once. I had literally witnessed my dog get murdered, the man I thought was perfect was Satan himself, I have no belongings, I don’t know anyone but Randi here. But then I remembered all the good like I was free, I’m not dead, I have the best friend in the whole world, I already found a job and got paid a lot for basically getting to be near the hottest guy ever and there’s photographic evidence, and literally the world is my oyster. I even get to go to Canada! Hayden Christensen lives there! I look over at Randi and can’t help but laugh when I see her sassy face. She is not a fan of feeling sorry for yourself. “Sorry, I’ll stop. They’re happy tears! I swear! I’m so happy I have you, and we’re going on this adventure. I’m just grateful.”

“Wow. Don’t cry Bitch. You’ll fuck up your make up.” my best friend joked.

I chuckled, and gave her a hug, then stood straight out of the car and let her lead the way to see if everyone had gotten a table together in Mortons.

We found everyone taking their seats. I took the closest open seat next to the photographer and Randi sat between Andy and Bill across from us. I didn’t want to look at Bill and have Randi give me shit, so I read the entire menu like 3 times to avoid looking up. We all ordered, and then Andy had the idea for everyone to introduce themselves:

“Ok since everyone is from all over the place, let’s do a fun little ice breaker. I’ll start. My name is Andy, I’m from the beautiful country of Argentina and I’m a Director as I’m sure you all know, let’s be more original, I know! Name your fear! I’m afraid of drowning.”

“My name is Randi, I’m from Kalamazoo Michigan, I’m an artist and I’m afraid of flying.”

“Ok hi everybody! I’m Bill, I’m from Stockholm Sweden, I’m a human and I’m afraid of being alone.”

I giggled like an idiot, froze and looked over at Randi, who was smiling at me, shaking her head. Dammit.

“My name is Barbara and I’m Andy’s sister, and I am afraid of creepy crawly things.”

“I’m Maria from Brazil, I am photographer and I fear bad lighting and flaky models. Thank goodness for Liv appearing like magic and save the day.” She smiled at me warmly and squeezed my hand.

I felt everyone’s eyes on me, and could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't bear to look at Bill or Randi, so I stared down in my lap and could feel my face heating up. “I’m Liv from Las Vegas, I guess I’m a model for now and I’m afraid of being a failure, velociraptors, roller coasters, centipedes and public speaking.” I chuckled uncomfortably. I ramble when I’m nervous.

“I’m afraid of velociraptors as well,” Bill laughed. “Jurassic Park ruined me as a child.”

Everyone laughed heartily at Bill’s expense but I felt appreciative of him making my ridiculous fear seem more credible and drawing attention away from my obvious nervousness. I snuck a peek at him and he winked at me playfully.

I didn't know what to think of this beautiful man. My initial reaction to him had been negative. He seemed like every other snobby Hollywood type, complete with crazy girl problems, but as the day progressed, he surprised me over and over with how genuine he seemed to be.

As lunch went on, Randi and Maria were talking technical terms, so Bill and I looked at each other and just smiled and shrugged our shoulders. It wasn't like we were being ignored, just everyone except us was wrapped up in their own conversations. I was content with that too, but then an ice cube flew into my cleavage.

My eyes shot open and I observed a very amused Bill trying to contain his laughter but not doing a very good job.

”I promise I’m not an asshole. I have just been trying to get your attention since we got here. So how long you been in LA?” He asked me like i was the most interesting thing he’d ever encountered.

”What time is it? Less than 24 hours.”

His eyes went wide and he choked on his drink a bit, then began to laugh at himself . ”wow, and you already booked a major job? Who is your agent? Are you an actress or just gorgeous... I mean a model.”

”you are super smooth Bill. I’m kidding! Don’t pout you’ll get wrinkles.” I had to give him some shit. “I don’t have an agent because I don’t have any interest in fame at all.”

He looked impressed by that for some reason. ”so what brought you here?”

”Randi is my best friend, and I needed a change of scenery.” I said making sure to avoid eye contact. I knew I was just being paranoid, but I felt like he could look into my soul, with the intensity he was looking at me with. I’m a terrible liar, so I’m convinced if I look at him, he’ll see I’m not being honest. I didn't want to mention the literal hell id escaped to be here.

I could still feel his gaze on me, and I caught Andy looking between us with an unreadable expression. He's a director so he probably can read people really well.

Shit. I’m probably just being my normal neurotic psycho self. No one probably gives two shits about me, and this is all in my head. These people are famous and successful. I’m just another one of the millions of girls that they encounter in LA.

Maria tapped my shoulder. “Hi honey, can you switch seats with your friend? I want to show some my work?”

I smiled and agreed, but the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I took my seat by Bill. He was texting so I got my phone out to play a game or two. Suddenly I felt Bill’s leg press up against mine. I looked over at him, but he just continued with his phone, but was clearly smirking. Just then The food arrived and I was famished, so all other thoughts were abandoned.

“Wow! You eat real food!” Andy exclaimed.

“Oh it’s not fair! Liv has always eaten whatever she wants and doesn’t gain a pound.” Randi whined.

I blushed feeling all the attention on myself again. I wanted to fade into my surroundings like a chameleon. “I like to eat.”

I looked at Bill and he was off his phone but I could tell he was watching me as he ate.

“What?” I asked finally, when he didn’t stop looking at me.

“You’re very interesting.” He said.

“How?” I scoffed.

“Well for starters you’re drop dead gorgeous but you don’t like being the center of attention. Am I right?”

“I wouldn’t go with drop dead gorgeous, maybe conventionally attractive. There’s not really anything wrong with me, but there’s nothing to write home to your mother about either.”

He chuckled. “See? There you go again. You’re humble and funny too.”

I could feel my face burning so I excused myself to go use the restroom, but Bill said he’d show me where it was since he needed to smoke and make some calls.

I was fully aware where it was, but agreed and figured I’d let him show me. He turned before we reached the bathroom and he opened a door that appeared to almost blend in to the wall, revealing a very plush, luxurious bathroom with a large vanity.

“Oh my gosh is this like the Secret VIP potty?” I asked. I had always heard about secret lounges and VIP cool stuff so I was ecstatic to actually see one. I probably seemed like such a dork but I didn’t care.

“Something like that.” He said following me inside and locking the door behind him. I turned around to tell him there only appeared to be one toilet, when he took a couple steps and closed the distance between us and kissed me, pinning me against the wall.

He pulled back and looked down into my eyes, “I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you.” He said deepening the kiss again.

I stepped aside to move out from under him and caught my breath. “Your girlfriend though!”

“It’s over with her. It’s been stale a long time” He said as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “Don’t worry, I'm sick of her. I much rather have you. Do you have a boyfriend?” He pulled me against him again and my God the man was so good looking.

“Nope. I’d have kicked you if I did, I’m not a cheater.” I couldn’t believe his lips were on me. I tried to think and get ahold of myself and be rational, but as he kissed down my neck and groped my breasts, it was getting hard to remember why this wasn’t the best idea ever.

“. Listen, you’re very attractive Bill. Like best looking guy I’ve ever seen attractive, and I’m flattered, but we should get back. They’re gonna wonder.”

“This dress is killing me though, and youre so so beautiful.” He groaned lustilly, as he slowly slid my dress’ strap down, continuing his way down, kissing down my throat to my chest. He exposes my breast and looks up to make sure I wasn’t going to object, but when I just bit my lip, he placed his mouth on my nipple, suckling at my breast. He releases it with a popping sound, and slips a hand under my skirt, rubbing me through my panties, as he sucksin a breath through his teeth, before going for my other breast. This motherfucker is gonna kill me. How can one man be so hot and what did I do in a past life to deserve this shit? Seriously universe? How do I carry on knowing his tongue was on my nipple?

He hiked my skirt up to brush his fingertips across my folds. He bit my bottom lip and then pulled his hand out from under my skirt, and sensually tasted his fingers before leading me to the large round cushioned ottoman at the vanity, trying to get me to sit.

“What are you up to? You’re - this is so bad.” I tell him as he pushes me down lightly as he kisses me passionatly.

He looked deep in my eyes. “Please let me taste you and make you feel good. I don’t expect anything from you and I don’t do this type of thing ever, but I’ve honestly never wanted to see what someone tastes like more in my life.”

FUCK. Who in the hell could say no to that?

All I could do is nod, too shocked to fully comprehend that this was really happening.

He got on his knees in front of me and I couldn’t help but admire his gorgeous features. As crazy as it sounds, he had the most beautiful bone structure; severe and angular, yet it was offset by his big green eyes with their long sweeping lashes, luscious plump full lips, and adorable perfect little child-like nose. His hair was silky and thick and he smelled like mint and soap.

I watched as he pulled my underwear off and placed them in his pocket, before leaning me back with one hand, as the other lifted my dress. He bit my inner thigh gently, but still sent a thrill up my spine causing me to visibly shudder.

“I haven’t even started yet,” he smirked up at me cockily, before pressing his mouth to my sex before I had time to reply. I’d had my pussy eaten before, but nothing like this. There was no sign of nervousness or insecurity that some men display when they go down there. Like you can tell they’re not sure what the fuck to do, but Bill was sure of himself and seemed to genuinely love doing it. He was so enthusiastic and it felt so amazing. I never had done something like this in my life, and wouldn’t even kiss on a first date, yet here I am. I was scandalized and aroused, and so close to an orgasm it was shocking.

“You gonna cum for me baby?. I love how you look right now.... Cum on my face.... please?” He pleaded and pushed another finger inside of me. I couldn’t look at him. It was all too much.

I let out a moan as he moved his fingers and tongue in such a combined effort, that I reached out and gripped his hair, pressing his face against me as my release crashed down on me, violently shaking me, and making everything go white, as it wound down. It was seriously one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had, and it took me longer than a polite amount of time to realize I was still holding his face, and immediately released him”I’m so sorry, I didn't realize I- .”

“Sshhh.” He said chuckling and came up and kissed me deeply. “Can you taste yourself on me?”

I nodded shyly, looking away to break eye contact. He was so intense and I wasn’t sure what he would want me to do to return the favor.

He put his finger under my chin and pulled my face back over to look in his eyes. “You’re beautiful.”

I looked back at him, waiting to see what he did next. I was surprised he wasn't taking his pants off, but was too shy to try and take them off myself. I really wanted to though, and that surprised me. I wanted him to fuck me and wasn’t going to think about it, just do it. Like Nike.

He stood up and helped me to my feet, and helped smooth my dress out. He pulled me into another kiss and I could feel how excited he was.

“Let me make you feel nice now.” I mentally scolded myself for saying something so not sexy but just looked up at him with my best doe eyed look.

“You’re so cute. Don’t worry about me, just yet. I don’t want a quickie in a bathroom with you, I want like a bed and many. many. hours. I want to impress you.”

“I’m fucking impressed Bill.”

He chuckled and bit his lip, and you could see the wheels turning. “I really want to fuck you but I also don’t wanna be too long and full disclosure, Andy threatened serious bodily harm not to touch you. Said you’re a heartbreaking man eater.”

“Randi advised me to avoid you because you’re a foreign actor that’s too good looking for his own good. You’re obviously a monster.”

We both got a good laugh out of that.

“What’s your phone number?” He asked taking out his phone.

“I don’t currently have one. I need to get one. I lost mine yesterday.”

He looked at me incredulously. “If you don’t want to give me your number it’s ok.”

“No. Take Randi’s number, that’s the phone I was using earlier anyways, that way you can call, cuz I don’t have a pen or anything.”

“How about your email, and then you can send me your number when you get it. Randi might catch on if I call her phone.”

“You’re so smart! You’ll see me in a week on your new movie too.”

“Really? That’s the best news I got all day but if you think I’m waiting a week to be inside you, you’re insane. Now go, just say I went to smoke and make calls if they ask where I am. I’ll give it a couple minutes.”

I gave him my email and walked out the door to go try and act like the hottest fucking thing to ever happen in my life, didn’t just go down. When I turned the corner, I nearly threw up and cane to a screeching halt. I met eyes with the estranged exgirlfriend. I didn’t wanna seem weird so I smiled and sat down to finish my meal, since turning around and running the other direction might bad. I mean as far as I was concerned he was single, so I had no reason to feel guilty of anything. And I didn’t plan on admitting that happened to anyone, so not telling her was totally fine. She tapped on my arm and I cautiously turned to her.

“Did you see Bill by chance?” She asked politely.

“He said he was smoking and making some important calls when he left the table earlier.”

She laughed a little and rolled her eyes, “that man and his cigarettes! I blame Hemlock Grove for turning him into a chainsmoker. He’s probably smoked two or three in a row.”

“All this talk about smoking makes me want one, I’ll go find him. Excuse me ladies.” Andy said, as he quickly walked towards the exit to find Bill.

“He’s probably going to warn Bill that I’m here. We got in a fight earlier and he can be such a brat. Watch when he comes back, he’ll pretend like nothing happened.”

Maybe she didn’t realize he really was done with her. She had a funny accent so I assumed she’s Swedish too. He was probably her only friend out here so I couldn’t help but pity her.

“Between silent treatments and smoking, Bill would be dead by morning.” Randi said with a mischievous wink.

“Oh if you could see his hissy fits, they’re the worst!” She enthused. “Anything in his hands he’ll throw and if it’s something like a sandwich or drinks and won’t hurt you, he’ll throw it on you. But then if I try and ignore him, he’ll lay on me like a big dead weight until I speak.” His girlfriend said, laughing hysterically. Everyone joined in telling stories of past boyfriends that were grown men, having varying degrees of tantrums, but I just sat silently. My ex story wasn’t funny.

Andy and Bill came back and I could feel an anxiety attack creeping up on me.

I looked up and Bill was staring at me and I looked to Randi and she had a puzzled look on her face. In an effort to not give anything away to her, my eyes shot back up to Bill.

Bill looked furious. He seethed animosity and I just looked down at my plate to avoid that glare. I wasn't sure if I was the cause or she was, but I desperately wanted to run out of the place screaming and looked at Randi again pleading with my eyes to go. She seemed to catch on and I tried to keep it together.

His ex got up and rushed over to him. Just as I looked up, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. My eyes narrowed involuntarily as he glanced over at me, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. His girlfriend grabbed his face and kissed him right on the lips.

I felt like I was going to throw up. Tears threatened to spill but I held them back as I stared at my lap. I kept seeing Bill’s eyes as he looked up at me from between my legs. Flashes of him pinning me to the wall, or oh my fucking god! My underwear are in his pocket!

My pussy is on his face too and he just kissed her.

He seemed so genuine, but he was an actor, what did I expect. Faking Feelings and emotions was how he paid the bills. I couldn’t believe how stupid and guillable I was! He probably got off on this shit. Poor woman. I was exaggerating when I’d said he was a monster but goddammit I was right!!!

”Ok thank you for inviting us and I can't wait to see whoever is going to join us in Toronto, but Liv and I must be off for an important appointment and then packing.” Randi said her goodbyes as I walked around the table and stood beside her, keeping my back to Bill.

”Bye everybody. I had fun” I said Sweetly and then I turned on my heel and walked past Bill without a glance.

”See you two in Toronto.” Bill called after us, and even though I refused to look at him, I could feel his eyes burning into my back as we walked away.

[thebritishblabbermouth]

Peaceful storms

Heyya beautiful people!!

Its been a year since ive been active on tumblr and my gosh a year through med school has been insanely exhausting! Glad that’s over

This piece is a little hello from my side.

I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think! 

I love you guys and thank you for sticking with me for the year

Feel free to message and just say hi :3 

SUGA FANFICTION 

I’d pick your thunder and your rain over anyone’s sunshine any day – anonymous

The pastel green wall clock struck 2 am, the wind stood steady and calm as the moon hid between dark clouds that hung like blots of ink in the sky. There was no light in the living room, just me and the darkness. Just like it had always been without him. 

6 months ago, I was living a dream. My boyfriend, my job, the weather. What I wouldn’t do to go back to those 3 days. He’d just returned from their most recent stadium tour, hungry for me and for our time together. 3 days of love, food and a whole lot of sleep. But mostly, it was 3 whole days of Yoongi. The peculiar smell of fresh laundry and citrus that I had grown to associate with him, the way his warm eyes crinkled as he smiled, lingering touches and promising words. The sun had beamed down on us, soft clouds in the sky, and streaks of light playing games on our skin as we held each other. Perfection in its prime.

But, 3 days of extreme happiness obviously had to match with 3 days of stormy nights. It had been a misunderstanding, something trivial as it always is. Tour dates or a spontaneous fan meeting on the other side of the world. Something to take him away from me again, something to keep him from my arms and the safe haven of our apartment. Perhaps it wasn’t fair, perhaps it was meant to be. The long distance, the time difference, the lack of trust, empty phone calls with broken syllables and dried tears. Maybe that was all we would get, raging skies with angry clouds- thunder and lightning appearing as we hurled words at each other. Words that held no meaning – just remorse and regret.

And, 6 months after those storms, on this peaceful night. It felt like the storm was inside me. It wasn’t that things no longer made sense, wasn’t that I’d forgotten how to function. Rather, it felt like every breath I took was pointless- for there no life in my being. I was numb to everything, almost frozen with time.

I wouldn’t have noticed him entering the room for I had not heard the keys turning the lock or the shuffle of his heavy boots against the hardwood floor- I was too busy listening to the crickets and the dull voice inside my head, rather it was the lamp he’d switched on that shook me from my trance, its light, bathing the space in a moody yellow.

Auto-pilot mode. That’s what they call it. When you do things without thinking about them. That must have been it. I hadn’t realised id walked over to him until his eyes met mine- steely and tired.

‘’I haven’t…haven’t washed my hair in 2 weeks.’’

His voice was gruff, but not quiet. The noise pulled my from the numbness, jolting me into action. I am not entirely sure what it was he said. But it had been words and apparently I knew what I had to do.

A bath.

Min yoongi had somehow managed to make his way into the shared bathroom, hovering at the door way as I set up the large round tub with a pink bath bomb. Rose and tea tree drove away the smell of disinfectant and surface cleaner, the noise of the tap filling the tangible silence of the room.

He stood in front of me, waiting, watching. Noticing my moves as if he expected me to do something new. He wasn’t in luck.

‘’Unbutton.’’

I thought I’d forgotten how to speak.

Huh. I guess not.

I watched him sigh in retaliation- his slack arms and worn face highlighting his fatigue. The dark circles seemed defined under the vibrant lighting, usually rosy lips devoid of makeup and bruised at the edges- the constant biting having taken its toll on the soft skin.

‘’Too tired.’’ He said, his chin tucking into his chest like a little school boy. Was this defeat? Was this him coming back to me? Was this him tired of running away?

My heart sped up at the thoughts, my own grubbing mind had suddenly been startled awake by the act of Suga casting away his defences. What was this man doing to my sanity? Was he stripping me of it or teaching me how to live? I didn’t know. And at that point, it couldn’t have mattered less.

I began unbuttoning the baby blue dress shirt, my hands trembling as we stood close, breathing the same air. Our eyes too afraid to meet. The shirt was stripped in seconds and his dark slacks pooled at the tiled floor. He stepped into the water timidly, checking the temperature with is pale toes. Suga was ever the baby boy- his fans understood him spot on. But I’d always wondered if I’d ever understand Min yoongi the same way.

It was unspoken I wouldn’t be joining him in the bath, I had another task at hand. His hair. Currently dyed at a marron red, at least this time it hadn’t matched the colour of the bubbles in the bath. I smirked inwardly at the memory and sat down near his head as it perched at the edge of the tub.

‘’It’s really dirty Yoongi.’’ I said, soaking his scalp with warm water. This would take at least 2 large pumps of shampoo and perhaps an extra dollop of conditioner.

‘’You called me Yoongi again.’’

I am not sure what I had expected in reply, perhaps a smirk or a defence. But his words brought a shiver to my spine and I halted, his eyes were wide open- boring into my own as he watched me- gauging for a reaction. I tugged at his hair, the distraction successful as he groaned and turned away- momentarily forgetting the interaction I had not yet prepared for.

Washing his hair should have been relaxing for him- and it probably was because I was sure I heard a snore 10 minutes into the second rinse, but for me it was heaven. The strands were rough and dry from years of hair colour and damage but they felt soft in my palms, the shampoo working its magic as I watched his face in peace, memorising every contour and dip, the way his eyelashes curved and his nose twitched as I massaged his scalp, the slight overgrowth of a moustache he so hated and the acne that remained from years ago. It was imperfect and untouched yoongi at his most natural form. My yoongi.

‘’The water’s getting cold.’’ He said, once again driving me away from my thoughts, but this time as I watched him, I noticed his eyes flood, his bottom lip nipped between his teeth as he struggled to maintain composure. Had he been crying? Right in front of me? How had I not noticed?

I nodded and he swiftly retched away from my hands. The white towel wrapped around his waist, hair dripping wet and cheeks flushed as he realised that I’d noticed his reddened face, the tinge to his waterline implying unshed tears and unsaid words. My hands were still wet and he hastily wiped them down with a small rag, his fast movements leaving my still slow mind confused.

‘’What? What are you doing yoongi? You’re going to fall!’’

Suga attempting to multitask was a sight to behold, he failed drastically- often paving way for multiple scratches and gentle kisses to take the pain away. Attempting to wipe my hands and his hair, all the while trying to find a pair of his old boxers from the shelves- ones I hadn’t had the heart to throw away.

‘’We need to get to bed now.’’ He said, grabbing my wrist and pushing me out of the closet, leading the way to the bed.

Had I been anticipating this? Somewhere hidden within my subconscious, he was back in the apartment and id just washed his hair? Why? It made no sense. Had I no self-respect? No life beyond this reckless man? Was I going to let him destroy me all over again?

My thoughts clouded my actions as my back lay against the cool sheets, his hot hand snaking its way around my stomach, teasing the skin as he pulled me towards him. My back melted into his front, head tucked under his chin and arm propped out as my personal pillow. His bangs dripped water into my own hair as I sighed deeply against his skin, breathing him in as I did.

‘’You’re right. I am reckless and this whole thing is crazy.’’

I tried to turn against him, tried to stop this whole vocal declaration but it went to vain, I couldn’t budge. Had his muscles grown in 6 months? Can muscles grow that fast? How does he know what I was thinking about? I took to curling into the pillows and his hand stretched out to touch under the swell of my breast. My breath hitched as he moved, gentle and slow as if he were coaxing me out of my doubts.

‘’I shouldn’t be here. In bed with you, it makes no sense. I swore I would walk away. It was the right thing to do. You were miserable. It hurt.’’ His voice rose an octave has he spoke, words almost trembling.

‘’But I am selfish and clueless and there is nowhere else I would rather be than right here.’’

‘’that’s a terrible combination.’’ I said, rubbing my thumb over his calloused fingers.

Perhaps it didn’t make any sense. Perhaps it didn’t need to. Why he was here and what we had been thinking all those months ago on that stormy night. I didn’t actually remember a word he had said. What was that fight about? I didn’t know. It hadn’t mattered then and it doesn’t matter now. But this, my heart that was finally beating again.

This felt like it mattered. Yoongi and his citrusy smell that came back to fill the room, the damp hair and his warm skin scorching my own under the thin cream covers. His legs tangled with mine as he spoke. This moment right here, this feeling, this would never be replaced.  

‘’it’s a good thing I am both of those things too.’’ I whispered into his arm, wrapping my hands around its width and pulling it towards me. He curled into my form and relaxed, his muscles loosening as he did.

Nothing more had been said that night, as it seemed no words were needed, we fell further into sleep and into each other as the skies broke and rain thrashed against the windows, the violent streaks of lightening falling against our cuddled limbs, playing against the exposed skin as it did with the thunder of the storm.

[titsthedamnseason]

If you haven't done it already can you do headcanons about Julian's birthday?

bitch you know it asdfghj and by some miracle ive actually gotten these done before the two weeks that could potentially be his birthday are over so happy birthday julian!!

julian has never really had a big birthday celebration before

of course emma and the kids and diana always got him gifts and spoiled him

you know, doing chores for him, letting him relax for a day, stuff like that

but poor julian is a worrier so he’d always end up insisting to help anyway, saying that he wanted to

he even would always make the cake since no one else could

it wasnt until later that everyone realized that every time they had tried to spoil julian on his birthday, he turned it around on them, and he wound up doing most of the work

they are determined to make his 18th birthday different

helen and aline are more than capable of holding down the fort now

plus julian and emma take a break from their travel year for the holidays and are in the institute for julian’s birthday

which could be anytime from jan 1-15 but my personal hc is that it’s on new years day (wink wink)

so anyway julian and emma will be in la for his bday and julian is a lot more carefree this year so everyone is highkey determined to give him the best birthday this year

nobody wakes him up early, and after staying up so late the night before his normal internal clock doesnt wake him up as usual

at 12am everyone else shouted “happy new year!” and emma shouted “happy birthday julian!”

anyway when julian does wake up, later than usual, his first instinct is to shoot out of bed and get the kids breakfast but he takes a moment to himself to revel in the fact that this is his first birthday spent waking up next to emma as her boyfriend

emma seizes her moment and convinces him to stay for just a while longer, im sure the kids are fine, helen and aline have been taking care of them for months

julian gives her like five minutes of kisses and cuddles before beelining for the kitchen

he finds that everyone else has already been up for an hour or so and has already eaten breakfast

the second he enters the kitchen everyone yells “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and he is bombarded with hugs and drawings and cards and stupid gag gifts from the kids that he accepts with a smile cristina and mark both hug him as well and he’s pleasantly surprised to see them

(if you read my tda holiday hcs i made them leave before this point but awsxdcfvgyh they come back to surprise him)

he grabs a plate for himself reluctantly, wont stop apologizing to helen and aline that he overslept

they keep telling him they dont care but, surprise surprise, he’s not listening

when julian goes back to his room to get dressed he finds emma already ready with his favorite blue dress of her’s on and holding a present for him

his reaction is “oh that reminds me” and he pulls out another gift from under the dresser

emma is like ????? and julian is like “…for you” and emma is still like ????? so then julian explains “i got you a new year’s gift too”

emma is like fuck that shit this is a birthday gift asdfgyhu “who the fuck buys new year’s presents” “i dont know i love you” “i love you too but what the fuck julian now i look bad” “you couldnt look bad if you were trying”

anyway after emma gets it through julian’s head that he does deserve a birthday gift and no, she refuses to open up his gift to her on his birthday, nice try, julian, he opens it up

it’s a new blue shirt that almost exactly matches emma’s dress which is “an unfortunate coincidence”

he cant stop telling her it’s too much, you shouldnt have, and emma is like hoe you think im done??? think again

but actually she doesnt say that, she just says youre welcome asdfghyuj

anyway

they go meet everyone in their matching outfits and they all just hang around a bit, there isnt much else julian could ask for than to be with his family

but at lunch emma surprises julian with a picnic for the two of them at the beach

she promises that she didnt touch the food, she had aline make it all asdfrghy

once they finish emma gives julian more presents(“this is a prank right?” “am i laughing? actually i am but not because this is a prank, please just open the presents” ) 

the first is a whole set of paints and brushes and other art supplies i know nothing about, all custom made, the brushes with inscriptions on the handles( “jb” “as long as you exist and i exist i will love you” “i love you more than starlight”)

julian: where did you get that last quote from?

emma: i thought of it

julian: *melts*

he asks how she knew what supplies to get him and she told him how she saw him looking at all this stuff back in that shop in london and went back to get it for him

he’s so touched

he is already certifiably not okay™️ because the whole day has been against everything he’s ever known and he feels weird, he just wants to give something to someone, literally anyone

julian is so happy and when emma pulls out an envelope he has to bite his tongue to keep from saying “oh no not again”

emma just gives him a look when she sees him holding back asdfgbhgt

he’s preparing himself for some sort of long sentimental card from her that will probably make him cry but what he gets is worse

it’s just a piece of paper that says “im having so much fun on our date right now, but id love it even more if you came with me to the louvre to our next one”

julian is shooketh to a level beyond all levels

he cant imagine why emma looks so worried he wont like it

they laugh and hug and then proceed to kiss a lot before going back to the institute 

julian is ready to just chill now 

he comes in and there are decorations filling the entryway

a million balloons, streamers, banners

he looks at emma who just shrugs but she’s smiling so big and has a knowing look on her face 

there’s a beautifully decorated poster next to the staircase that says “TAKE ONE” and there’s a party hat for emma and a ridiculous crown for julian that says “it’s my birthday!” under it

they follow a trail of posters with arrows on them to the living room(im pretty sure they dont call it that but the room with the computer in it is where they always hang out so that’s what i mean awsedfvgbh)

everyone yells “SURPRISE” when they walk in and julian is sure he’s in a permanent state of shock

like yes he just followed an entire trail of arrows to get here but it’s still so much more than he expected

they eat pizza and play music and all just hang out and it’s a fun time

at one point julian goes to adjust his crown but everyone thought he was taking it off and yelled at him aesdxcfvgbh

they play stupid party games like pin the tail on the donkey(which theyre all good at since theyre shadowhunters asdfghjui) and charades and stuff like that

everyone gives julian more presents and he thinks he might combust

they sing to him and have cake

they give him one more gift after they sing and it’s a photo album of julian and his siblings and emma through the years

there are ones of baby emma and jules playing to 12 year old julian intently speaking to ty and livvy to 14 year old julian reading with tavvy to 17 year old julian laughing with dru to ones with helen, mark, aline, and cristina in them and ones from the travel year and julian is amazed

he’s so touched and he’s proud that he only cries a little

a little after that everyone starts getting tired since they stayed up until midnight the night before

diana goes home, tavvy goes to bed, followed by dru and ty shortly after

when julian hugs ty on his way out he almost feels like livvy is there too, and he doesnt understand why ty goes pale when julian tells him, julian worries he shouldnt have said anything before ty just smiles and says “good” before walking out

everyone else goes to bed shortly after

julian and emma are laying in julian’s bed when she pulls out a card for him, but tells him it’s nothing special

he opens it and begs to differ

the front of the card says “so many ways to say i love you” and she has filled the inside with ways she said it over the years

“protecting you in fights”

“i’ll put the kids to bed tonight”

“i would do anything for you, jules”

“we’re parabatai, we can do this”(julian doesnt like this one)

“take a break”

“please stay”

“i need you”

“your hair is a mess”(“really emma? “shut up”)

the list goes on until it ends with “i love you. love, emma”

they are both crying at the end

“i love you so much, emma”

“i love you, t––”

she doesnt get to finish

they have more important things to get to and, needless to say, they dont get much sleep that night either

[just-a-dumb-gay]

IF I HEAR ONE MORE PERSON CALL ME A GIRL AFTER I CORRECT THEM MULTIPLE TIMES! I'M! GONNA! LOSE IT!

Long rant, feel free to scroll past. Just the internet is the closest I've got to screaming into a void.

Yes! Physically I am a girl!

But I don't like it! Well, I don't like my top half. Bottom half doesn't bother me but god do I want a binder. But how many times do I have to say that I'm non binary before people stop calling me a fucking girl?!

How many damn times do I have to correct people when they use my birth name?! I correct my gran countless times yesterday, SHE EVEN CALLED ME BY MY BIRTH NAME LITERALLY 3 SECONDS AFTER I CORRECTED HER AND DIDN'T EVEN MAKE AN EFFORT TO CORRECT HERSELF!!! AND SHE DONE THAT MULTIPLE TIMES! She has a bad memory, but that bad? Oh hell no!

How many damn times am I going to explain I think more like a guy, I act more like a guy but I still don't feel like a boy or girl!?

And yestarday my gran mentioned my long hair, and my mum mentioned it needs cut (got alot of split ends, havent been able to get it cut in a while. And just generally need it cut, its getting hellishly long. Like half way down my thigh long lol) and then my gran said she wished she had long hair. I turned round confused and said "You had long hair but you cut it?". So my gran and mum started talking between themselves, and for a laugh I turned my dad and just said "Women. What are they like". And my mum fucking turns to me and says "Eh don't forget you are one!" (Or something like that). Me being me replied "Eh im the one that's gonna marry a women, that aint gonna be fun." for a laugh, and then just as I was walking out the door I quickly turned back round and went "And im not one btw!" I didn't catch my mums reaction but somehow I doubt that it was good.

The really annoying part. Just on Wednesday while on video call, they both said they were gonna start trying to call me Kayden, and obviously I was super happy. My mum even messaged me later on Wednesday saying "Hi Kayden, it was nice talking to you earlier." I was totally over the moon happy about it.

Then yesterday. Its like Wednesdays conversation didn't even fucking happen. And im sitting thinking "What kinda bullshit is this?!"

I swear, I think I need to sit down with my mum, gran and dad (they're the only 3 family members I talk to regularly. The only family member who is accepting of it is my aunt.) and just actually discuss with them at some point that I hate being called She/Her and I cannot even put into words how much I hate my birth name. But at the same time if I even suggest that, there's only 2 possible outcomes:

1 - I doubt it would happen. If I suggested something like that honestly I think id just get ignored. Or told something like "That's not necessary, just remind us more often." or maybe even "But we've known you as >birth name< for 15 years, give us time to get use to it."

2 - It happens. But everything I say goes in 1 ear and right out the damn other.

Because my mum and gran just don't understand being nb no matter how many times I try to explain it or just simply say "Im neither! Not a boy! Not a girl! Just neither!" they just don't freaking get it!

And my dad, well the nb thing doesn't bother him. And if it does, he doesn't mention it. But the whole name thing. Uuuuuuugggghhhhhh i will never forget how badly I wanted to hit him with something when I told him. Now he just avoids the topic all together. Goes silent or changes topic when I mention it. Or if i really push the subject he just says something like "We've known you as >birth name< for your whole life." or the first time I mentioned it he said something along the lines of "But that's the name we gave you so you'll always he >birth name< to me" which is the line that made me really want to hit him.

I think my gran thinks im only nb cos I spend so long online! BITCH NO! I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS JUST A TOMBOY BECAUSE NO ASSHAT EVER TAUGHT MY THERE WAS MORE THAN JUST BOY, GIRL OR TRANS! THATS ALL IVE EVER KNOWN, NOBODY EVER TOLD ME I COULD BE BOTH OR NEITHER! I ONLY KNOW IM NB BECAUSE I SPEND SO LONG ONLINE AND (if you find the right ones) PEOPLE HERE ARE ACCEPTING AND HELPFUL!!!

I get it'll take time to get use to calling me Kayden. I can accept that. But reality of the situation is, I mentioned this many months ago. And not once has a proper, genuine effort be made.

And I can accept that I'll still get called She/Her alot, because im still physically a girl and look like a girl. Hell I still call myself She/Her alot, so I can accept that mistake a little easier. Doesn't mean im totally comfortable with it, because god am I not, but it is a little harder to get use to especially around people who I don't talk to that much. And my gran finds it stupid to call 1 person by They/Them. And she mocked that before I could even say id rather go by They/Them. So that instantly threw me off even trying to bring that up, because why would I if I know I'll probably just get mocked?

Adfssafsafdsdfshsgajfjd I could ramble on more but The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 is about to come on TV and I wanna watch it.

RANT OVER! IF YOU'RE SCROLLING BY QUICKLY YOU CAN STOP NOW!

[birdroutledge-archive]

word vomitting all my thoughts and reactions to game of thrones again!!

bran hitting jaime with “the things we do for love” lmaoo he's such a little shit

the fact that sansa trusts brienne enough to let her defense of jaime turn her opinion around so quickly really says so much about both of their characters like when sansa trusts someone she TRUSTS them and Brienne is so honorable and loyal and I just love their dynamic

also if dany thought jon wasn't gonna pull the “we need any man we can get” card she's out of her mind lol

arya checking out gendry in the forges and gendry being all protective (even tho arya’s the last person who needs it)  and his little smile after she throws the daggers has me all *heart eyes emoji x1000*

jaime and bran’s reunion was actually very nice!! also: “you won't be able to help us in this fight if I let them murder you first” lol

the callback to season 1 with the “dying at 80 with a belly full of wine” line!!

if we get zombie tyrion killing cersei I will riot that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard

brienne and jaime!!! this man’s been knocked on his ass and humbled and he just wants to fight side by side with this woman that he so obviously and deeply cares for and respects! the character development!!

idk dany just comes off very condescending in the scene with her and sansa? idk or like she's trying too hard to get sansa to like her?? idk

sansa has made it so obvious that the north/her people are her priority and has learned so much from the mistakes her predecessors have made and from watching cersei and littlefinger and she just has her people’s welfare as her first priority after the army of the dead and honestly?? the north is probably better off if they're left to rule themselves, even if dany does end up on the iron throne. six kingdoms is more than enough!!

ugh the sansa/theon reunion!! my heart!! “I want to fight for winterfell, lady sansa, if you'll have me” 

lunch lady ser dadvos out here dishing out hot soup and hot encouragement!! and the little girl!! they def had her face scarred to remind us of shireen and that's most definitely what Davos was thinking :’(

tormund interrupting jon and edd’s reunion had me dead like this episode was peak tormund and I'm here for it 

“the big woman still here?” LOVE IT 

honestly ive never been more conflicted for than thinking about whether I ship brienne more with jaime or tormund

bran out here ready to use himself as bait maybe he's not completely robotic after all 

sam’s lil speech about humanity? lovely

theon volunteering to stay with bran to make up for taking winterfell back in the day!! the theon greyjoy redemption tour is still in full swing!! (it also has me terrified that he's gonna die defending bran catch me out here sobbing if he does)

grey worm’s speech to missandei my heart! (also makes me think one of them (probably grey worm) is gonna die soon) (I got that feeling a lot in this episode) (sos)

jon, sam, edd, and GHOST!!!!!!! on the wall! reminiscing ‘bout the good old days and shitting on each other! “and now our watch begins”!! s/o grenn & pyp, RIP to the real ones!!

I really love tyrion & jaime’s relationship and their scenes were gr8 in this episode

I just really love the scenes with the tyrion-jaime-brienne-pod-davos-tormund squad

tormund’s giant story and him spilling half of his drink on himself had me in tears I tell you

arya and the hound are still my favorite buddy cop duo!!

“im not spending my final hours with you miserable old shits” lmfaooo

arya playing the game of faces with gendry about his sex life before they boned was a little uncomfy but in the words of my mother “finally!”

I could honestly have a whole separate post about jaime knighting brienne but it was just so perfect?? 

and brienne looking to pod for his opinion/reassurance in this scene made me so happy like they respect each other so much and are so proud of each other

also tormund is just so enamored with brienne and his reaction to her getting knighted is the cutest?? he's so proud I love it

between this scene with lyanna and sam and his scene with dany earlier Jorah is really out here wrapping up story lines and I have a baaaaaad feeling he’s getting got next week too :(

UMMM pod’s voice??? BEAUTIFUL!!! between the fact that he’s a #confirmed sex god and his sweet pipes I think he just skyrocketed on the “game of thrones characters id like to marry” list

the shot of theon and sansa was the cutest!!

also ya know in horror movies where people have sex then get slaughtered by the villain?? the shot of arya and gendry gave me a really bad feeling arya just took a step towards her death and I really hate to even think about it but its freaking me out

dany finding jon in front of lyanna’s statue in the crypts after he'd been avoiding her the whole episode was a really good way for them to frame jon revealing his identity tbh

idk if Dany’s angry or sad at jon about the whole thing but honestly I think it’s the last thing on Jon’s mind right now and he doesn't want to deal with it until after they deal with the army of the dead

so yeah!! Ive seen people hating on this episode already but I honestly really liked it! it was a little glimmer of hope before we’re all just balls of anxiety for 80 minutes next week watching our favorite characters die!!! also I am very tired as I write this and apologize if it makes no sense!!

[paladin-andric]

An Even Game

Hey, everyone! After finishing Blackheart I had a few ideas for some shorts, so I think I’ll be posting some! This one’s about a bunch of mercenaries taking some time off to play some rather elaborate games...

Sofia’s entrance into the company hall was far from silent, but with the boisterous shouts coming from the table, it might as well have been.

None of the group of five could hear her coming as they laughed and complained, the sound of rolling dice and shuffling paper being heard.

“It’s nonsense is what it is!”

“You’re just mad you’re losing!”

“Hey, I’m only losing ‘cause you stacked the game, you rat!”

The woman was a member of the Drakebloods, a mercenary company that had been successful enough to found their own hall. While small, as the company was, it was a pretty massive achievement for them.

It appeared several of the members were using their downtime to play games at the hall, all of them crowded around the round, wooden table and sat in cheap wooden chairs.

Sofia, a soldier within the company, chucked her things onto an empty table as she made her way to the end of game room. Ahead of her they sat, a massive map, a mess of cards and papers, and dice and miniature figurines taking up the entirety of the table.

“Hey boys,” she said casually, most of them turning to look at her.

“Oh, hey Sofia!” David answered, a notable chipperness in his voice.

David was one of three humans at the table, the others being Michael and Emanuel. The fourth member of the group was a koutu, one Sofia knew very well as Con. Though his true name was Conchobhar, enough of the company called him by the simpler nickname that he was now known by both.

The final man at the table was a saalik, one of the lizards from the desert kingdom across the seas. He was Bahim, one of the largest and most intimidating warriors in the whole company. His great size, plainly apparent strength, and frightening reptilian visage did little to show his true nature.

Emanuel smiled at her. “Hey, wanna join? We’re short a player!”

“Pona Federation’s still not taken,” Michael added, sounding a touch irritated.

“Uhh, actually I’d just like to watch, thanks,” Sofia answered, hands on her hips.

“Come on!” David said, trying to egg her on.

“We’d love if you joined us!” Conchobhar said cheerfully, clutching onto a slip of paper.

“Really, thanks but I don’t want to. I don’t even know what you’re playing.”

“We could teach you,” David said softly, a playful grin on his face.

“That’d take ages.” Michael’s voice was low and carried frustration in it. “This game’s already an hour in and we’ve barely done anything. Can we get a move on?”

“Hey...if she doesn’t want to play, we shouldn’t make her,” Bahim’s voice was quiet and meek, as it usually was. Quite a mismatch for the brutish-looking warrior.

“Tsk, whatever,” David said with a roll of his eyes, “If you say so…”

Sofia pulled a chair from another table and joined them, leaning over the massive map and piles of papers. “What in the world is this game, anyway? What needs THIS much work to play?”

“Deacan Kings!” Conchobhar said excitedly.

“Deacan Kings…?”

“You mean to tell me you’ve never played it?” Emmanuel asked, his tanned face staring at her in confusion.

She shook her head. “Never heard of it.”

“Wow…I thought everyone in the whole damn company played this at least once,” David mused.

“Not me. What IS it, anyway?”

“Deacan Kings is like playing history!” Conchobhar cried. “Err...well, like playing how history could have been, anyway. You pick a nation and try to manage your kingdom, and build up the administration, deal with court intrigue, and conduct politics with other plays, forge alliances, scheme, and try to conquer all of Deaco! It’s wonderful!”

Sofia crossed her arms and frowned. “Manage politics and administration? Sounds complicated.”

“Oh, it is!” Bahim said, a sort of shy happiness dancing on his face. “B-but it’s really fun! Once you learn everything, there’s just so much you can do! There’s so many different paths for you to take your nation! There’s dozens of laws you can change your stance on, and nation get their own bonuses, and your ruler gets personality traits that change things and limit what you can do, and how the game goes…” The large lizard stared off into the distance, lost in his joyful recollection of the rules like a child telling his parents about his favorite play.

“Hey, speaking of ruler traits…” David tapped the map. “Turn 20. Time for everyone to get one.”

The group all grabbed for a stack of notes in the corner, each taking one off the top one by one. As they looked at what trait their ruler now had, varying reactions came from all over the table.

“Oooh, I got workhorse!” Conchobhar said excitedly, “Yes!”

“Ah, whatever,” Michael said angrily, tossing his card to the table.

“What, what'd ya get?” David asked.

“Soft-hearted.”

“Hey, that’s not bad at all!” Conchobhar said, “That’s amazing for the endgame!”

“Yeah...for when you have a massive empire,” the irritated human said, “I’ve got two regions, man. TWO. All cause David’s mad that I’m better than him.”

“Aww, what are you talking about? I thought you were GOOD at this game!” David laughed mockingly.

“Literally no one plays the kobold tribes, you ass. They get annexed by turn three, tops.”

“Michael’s the best Deacan Kings player, basically ever,” Conchobhar explained to Sofia in a low whisper, “Whoops everyone here every time we play. David complained so now he’s handicapped.”

The woman nodded, now understanding why Michael seemed so annoyed. He was too good to play with, so they had given him a nation so outgunned it would be hopeless to win in most other players’ hands.

“Oh, and soft-hearted boosts happiness and lowers unrest in every region,” the birdman added, “Pretty amazing when you’ve got dozens of places to keep under control.”

The woman nodded, becoming more interested in the game. “I see…God, this is complicated. Interesting, though...”

“And yet here you are at turn 20. I don’t see what you’re complaining about…” David was grinning like mad.

“Cause you’re BAD,” Michael said, flashing a grin of his own, “Five thousand tribal warriors, and you just can’t stamp me out.”

“Tsk. You got lucky!”

“Nope. Learn about terrain and maybe your massive army could beat a couple of kobolds with sticks,” he shot back.

“I’m gonna kick your ass!” David shouted, “Just wait til ya-”

The man’s eyes went wide as he stared down at his card, his mouth freezing in place.

“Oooh, I think he got something good,” Emmanuel said, looking over at the other man.

“What? What did you get?” Conchobhar asked, trying to peek over his card.

“...GENIUS!” David announced triumphantly, “King Bohem is now a genius!”

“Horseshit,” Michael grumbled. The others all chattered in excitement as he tapped the table, deep in thought.

“That’s a good trait, I’m guessing.” Sofia said, the others turning to look at her.

“Are you kidding?! It’s the best trait in the whole game!” David answered, still ecstatic.

“It lowers civil unrest, boosts tax and trade revenue, increases your military command, gives a nationwide boost to prosperity, and makes you able to change laws three times as fast!” Conchobar explained giddily.

“I haven’t seen anyone get genius in a long time,” Emmanuel said quietly, “Speaking of which...I’ve got agriculturalist now.”

“Aww, come on!” Michael complained, “Did EVERYONE but me get a good trait?!”

“Soft-hearted’s a good trait, just-”

“Just not for the current situation, yeah yeah yeah,” the increasingly frustrated man cut Conchobhar off, “I know.”

“A true ruler serves the people,” the koutu said with a sly grin.

“Chieftain Stonebark giving his slaves hugs doesn’t really matter when they’re all about to die, does it?” Michael said with a roll of his eyes.

“...ah.” Bahim’s eyes rose from his card, a sullen expression on his muzzle. “Err...cheer up, Michael. Stonebark’s got it better than the Sultan.”

“Oh dear. Get one of the negative traits?” the man replied.

“Ahaha...you know how David got the best trait in the game?” the large lizard smiled sheepishly. “Err...Sultan Venhim is now...insane.”

There was a brief pause, the entire room bathed in oppressive silence for a moment...before everyone erupted into laughter.

Sofia watched them all lose it, confused by their reactions.

“O-oh, God!” David slapped his thigh. “Oh, WOW!”

“Rest in peace, Abinsil,” Emmanuel said, trying not to laugh.

“Oh dear...that just leaves the kobold tribes as allies to the Koutu Kingdom,” Conchobhar said with a notable amount of worry.

“Tsk...sounds like I might need to sail down there and take a few regions, Bahim,” Emmanuel said.

“W-what?! Aww, come on!”

“Hey, my back’s been against the wall this whole game! I’ve gotta do what I’ve gotta do,” the human answered back.

Michael’s anger seemed to have evaporated. “Huh. I guess things really could be worse…”

“Uhh...why are you all talking like he’s just out of the game?” Sofia asked, “Is it really that bad?”

“Yes, and he basically is,” Conchobhar answered.

“Insane makes you roll the dice at the start of every one of your turns,” Michael explained, “If you roll lower than 20, every one of your actions, changing laws, moving troops, diplomacy and troop movements...is decided randomly by rolling to see what happens.”

“Insane rulers basically flail about doing nothing until their entire nation is wiped out, since they can’t even move their troops to defend or attack anything,” Emmanuel added.

“That sounds...really, really dumb and unfair,” Sofia said, rubbing her chin.

“Yeah, but it makes civil unrest skyrocket too.” Conchobhar flashed a scrap of paper with lists of names and traits. “If they survive long enough there should be a civil war, and since the player usually can’t respond in any way they’re beaten and overthrown quickly...not that anyone should TRY to keep an insane king in power! Once they roll for their new monarch they can start playing again.”

“Ugh...PLEASE don’t invade me,” Bahim whined, “I don’t wanna get kicked out now!”

“I don’t know…” David gave the lizard a predatory grin. “You’ve been developing your regions SO well. They’re so rich…”

“Aww, come on! Don’t! Pleeeaaase?”

“Hmm...I’ll send you a marriage proposal!” Conchobhar announced, “Then we can form an alliance and I’ll take the heat off of you!”

“R-really?! Wow, thanks!”

“Don’t thank him yet, your loony king still has to roll to accept,” Michael noted.

“I’ll just keep trying til we succeed!” the koutu said happily, “Then I can deploy in your regions!”

“Hey, now everyone’s in a coalition against me!” David cried, “No fair!”

“Hey, you’re the one who picked the overpowered nation,” Michael said with a grin, “It’s only natural.”

“Bah! I’ll just deploy dragons against you all!”

“Once my capital gets to the next prosperity level I can summon dragons too,” Michael said, “You’d better watch out…”

“Argh! I won’t let you live that long! I’m attacking you!”

Michael shifted miniatures as David did the same, the two of them moving their “soldiers” into lines across their borders.

“Better hope that this doesn’t end up like the last assault…” the kobold player said with a grin.

“Whatever!” is all David, the Geralthin player managed in response, grabbing a sheet of paper. “Pah...forty to one, you see that?! You’re hopelessly outnumbered.”

“Than it’s an even game.”

Sofia leaned back as she watched them all go, everyone shouting encouragements and playful insults as the two players prepared for battle.

Perhaps I should learn how to play, too…

Tag list: @thereisnothingwrongwithbeingmad, @lady-redshield-writes, @paper-shield-and-wooden-sword, @sheralynnramsey, @tawnywrites, @writer-on-time, @oceanwriter, @zwergis-spilledink, @fluffpiggy, @elliewritesfantasy, @homesteadhorner,  @laurenwastestimewriting, @elaynab-writing, @the-ichor-of-ruination, @disheveledcorvid-deactivated201, @reya-writes, @bexminx

[luxexhomines]

S

Ahhh, thank you guys so much for asking!! I just compiled them all into one post so I don’t clog up your dash with several posts. Here we go! I’m going to tag this as discourse and put a cut because my answers to the letters might not please everyone, aha. It’s long, too. Major spoilers for NDRV3.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

Honestly, I’m not super sure at this point. Surprise, surprise, I only just recently finished watching the rest of NDRV3 and started writing for it. And I haven’t thought about tropes that much, though I’m sure I’ve written plenty of them into my writing at some point, even if not posted on here. 

If we’re going to go Danganronpa-centric, as this is my side blog for Danganronpa writing, I’d say that I fall in love with characters that are contradictory and with seemingly bipolar or gray morals despite probably having morals as straight as an arrow myself, i.e. Nagito or Kokichi. The characters playing “straight man” and relating to the reader’s perspective are also my favorite; in a wacky situation, they offer reason and normal reactions, which I would peg Hajime as (maybe Kazuichi, too, although he’s more of a crybaby). In fanfiction, I just love hurt & comfort fics, especially involving–you guessed it–Kokichi. I am particularly partial to the Oumota chapter 5 and chapter 5 trial rewrites, which, lucky for me, both of which are quite often rewritten by spectacular writers.

If we’re going in general, I always end up reading manga with an independent, strong and decisive character that crosses worlds and/or bodies by accident or death and becomes incredibly powerful/influential in the world and dominates over other characters with skills ranging from cooking to fighting. I guess I read a lot of manhua with martial arts or other manga with game aspects to it.Writing-wise, I love reading slow burn fics, even if I haven’t read one in quite some time. 

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I have a feeling this is going to go into highly controversial areas, so if you ultra ship Kaito x Maki, please turn away now...

I just hate that “man saves woman” from herself or traumatic past trope. Don’t get me wrong, I love hurt/comfort like I mentioned, but to specify, what I mean is when a strong and independent woman needs saving by a man. I realize Maki has a lot of issues from her past as an assassin and that Kaito is a viable, good option for helping her out and facing those issues, but the fact of him being a man and the way he just swoops in and fixes things forcefully by pulling her along for training just irks me. And before you ask, yes, if Kaede did it instead as a woman I would have less of a problem with it, even if I don’t like that somehow after a couple days of training together Maki somehow is better able to get along with others and most notably Shuichi despite having spent the previous entire time cooped up in her Ultimate room alone, is willing to use her experience as an assassin to help out with the investigation when she just walked out in the past, etc. Problems from a past like that would never be so easily faced in reality; people and their minds are much more stubborn than we’d like to think, too. 

In general, I am also highly averse to the Women in Refrigerators trope. To some extent, I feel that Kaede fits this trope, as a.) she is an important, pivotal, incredibly fleshed out female character and even the initial protagonist of ndrv3, b.) she dies arbitrarily for a murder she did not commit, c.) a big part of her death is written into Shuichi’s character development for making him grow as the protagonist (he sheds the cap, faces the truth, and the memory of Kaede’s last wishes serves as his support to reveal the truth several times in trial), and of course, d.) her death in the execution is grotesque as befitting of a Danganronpa execution. Kaede deserved so. much. more.

There are probably more out there, but I won’t mention them for the sake of length & time. 

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

Okay! So don’t hate me for this, but I haven’t been really keeping up a bunch with fanfiction writers or specific ones that much. It just hasn’t ever been a habit of mine in the past to follow one writer–ironic, I know. There’s one that immediately comes to mind, but she’s not part of the Danganronpa fandom, so unless someone asks, I’ll leave her out of it. However, there are a couple of writers that I recently discovered through the Oumota weekend event and which I follow on my main blog, and I thoroughly enjoy reading their work. Their work also contains mentions of NDRV3 spoilers!

1. @kirastrations

I recently reblogged her work on this blog because I have so much love for the Oumota fic she wrote (which deserves more love!). It’s called One by One, One After Another, and I simply adore the way she writes Kaito’s character and experiences with the other characters throughout the game and the overarching feeling that comes across as a result of the situation and what ensues. The diction choices she makes is absolute art; I see the imagery so clearly in my head, and not a single word of hers is wasted. It’s concise while being aptly and most beautifully descriptive. Even though I’m not a huge fan of Kaito, the way she writes him and his actions make me love him. I would describe the work as a futile yet desperate and exquisite struggling, an embodiment of angst that is so beautifully painful that it appears to be an illusion. I haven’t had a chance to check out other works from her just yet, but that’s on my to-do list!

2. @golden-redhead

I love, love, love their work too. They recently posted Lavender, a Kirumi x Kaede (Tojomatsu? Kaerumi? Kirumatsu?) work for femslash Feb, and it is a post-reality Virtual AU short fic. The way they write the interaction between Kirumi and Kaede offers such a delicate, carefully constructed image and story while creating some tension between the two. They also format the story with Kirumi’s thoughts in a simple and straightforward way that is just so delicious to read. Aspects of Kirumi explored are small things that unravel into a bigger statement about her character and the nature of the killing game and the impact it has left on her. It reminds me of the way a player might gently stack up a house of cards–attentively, with a sharp eye and feel. 

3. @starlightwritesalie

They wrote these two Oumota fics for the weekend that I fell in love with, especially the one for Day 1: Heroes/Villains. Sometimes when living in the world of Danganronpa, you forget that these tragic situations and the killing game are experienced, in essence, by children. You can argue that they’re older than high schoolers for the first two games, but mentally they are still high schoolers, and let’s face it–a couple years above the legal age of being an adult in America, 18, can hardly be counted as an adult, either. They reminded me of that sickening fact so poetically yet bluntly, and the story they write only serves as a further reminder of that fact. They write statements about the situation and how the pair act in the situation that are so agonizing yet irrefutable–as is the situation that they’re both trapped in. The ending is so unbearably cruel, packed with pain, but the way they create it is so decisively soft and snatches away my breath with the truth at the heart of the game, the situation. 

So there you have it! Sorry that my answers are so long... I have too much to say, and especially about the people whom I adore. Since it said to pick 3, I didn’t get to include these two, but I also love aroseandapen and mystic-mints dearly. If you ask, I’ll write a whole paragraph on why I love them, too, although I suspect by this time you all are getting rather tired of all my talking, haha. I also didn’t include imagines blogs, but if you’re curious, feel free to ask about that since I am still kind of a imagines blog! I guess at this point I’m kind of a fusion of an imagines blog and normal fanfiction writing blog.

Thanks for asking, and if you have any more questions, feel free to shoot an ask!