#never hesitate to overanalyse if you can

[helenvader]

Overanalysing ROP because why not.

Me: Ah, look, King Halbrand was given a brooch/pin of "Ouroboros":

@queenmeriadoc: Bronwyn has snakes on hers, too... The Southlands give me very much "Viking era" vibes.

Me: Oh, and this lady has a guy of sorts:

@queenmeriadoc: A trickster! Loki! (Viking vibes confirmed)

@eowyn7023: Snakes seem like a Sauron thing. But maybe the buckles on her dress were handed down by Sauron enthusiasts. Snake is canonically one of the forms that Sauron shape-shifted into.

[Note: Maybe snakes are a symbol used in the Southlands because of their dark past; maybe they don't even realize the symbolism. Waldreg would, though.]

Me: "...then rest of him slithers in." If that's about Sauron (I tend to think it is), it's another snake reference.

And when you think of it, the torc has an "almost Ouroboros" design, too.

End of overanalysis. Maybe more could be dug up on snakes.

I've remembered this eldritch thing, maybe it's a snake head? The snake heads kind of look like a mix of dragon and snake on the images of Halbrand and Bronwyn.

Feel free to share if you have noticed more. :-)

[morporkian-cryptid]

The fandom : What is Lupin’s first name? What a mystery, we may never know.

Me, neck deep in research about the naming conventions of samurais in the Edo era: Forget about Lupin, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOEMON’S NAME??? .

There’s a very strong chance that Goemon Ishikawa XIII is an alias.

I know that Goemon is probably the least mysterious character in the whole franchise, and the one we have the most lore about, and I’m overanalysing, BUT I’m a nerd with a special interest on medieval Japan and too much time on my hands, and I’m about to make this everyone else’s problem.

(Disclaimer: I am in no way an expert on Japanese history, this is the result of a few days of Internet research; all my sources are listed at the bottom. Please don’t hesitate to correct me if I made mistakes!)

.

The first thing that tipped me off was the way the number is written in Goemon’s name.

Let’s look at his complete name in Japanese: 十三代目 石川 五ェ門 (Jūsan-daime Ishikawa Goemon)

Jūsan means “thirteen”. Notice how the number is the front, and followed by the suffix -daime; in contrast with ルパン三世 (Rupan Sansei) who has the number at the end and followed by the suffix -sei.

I’ve already mentioned it here (x): -sei is a counter for generations, while -daime is a counter for positions or titles. So basically, Lupin Sansei would translate to “Lupin, third of his name” while Jusan-daime Ishikawa Goemon would translate to “the thirteenth person to hold the title of Goemon Ishikawa”.

The “Number-daime Name” pattern is famously used by kabuki actors. Names are passed on along lines of actors, who are not necessarily related. Actors formally change their names during a ceremony called Shūmei.

So, just judging by the shape of his name, it’s likely that Goemon acquired this name later in life, and wasn’t born with it.

.

On top of that, you’ve got Edo era samurai naming conventions, and oooooh boi does this complicate things! :D

Goemon is basically a walking-talking-anachronism, if he could live in the Edo era he would, and barring that, he does his best to live in the 21st century pretending it’s Edo-era Japan. (see Part 1 episode 5: “I’m not weird, it’s every other Japanese person who’s weird.”) His name is also the same as all his ancestors, most of whom lived in the Edo era. So it’s not a stretch to assume that his name follows the customs of that time. And in the Edo era, names were a MESS.

(Please note that the following information is an attempt to coherently describe a custom that evolved without strict rules. Also, the naming conventions described below apply mostly to nobles and the samurai class, not to commoners.)

First off, Edo-era samurais typically had 4 parts in their names.

Two surnames:

Myōji: household (or ie) name, chosen by the family, often named after a local landmark.

Ujina: clan (or uji) name, given by the emperor, refers to the larger clan that the household branches off from.

Two “first” names:

Jitsumei: “true” first name, which typically remains private: only your family, close friends and your lord can call you by your jitsumei, and if anyone else does it, it’s super rude. Most people don’t even know your jitsumei.

Tsūshō: public first name, kind of a formal nickname.

And then you have the

Childhood name: that’s the first name you’re actually born with, but when boys come of age, they stop using it, and instead receive a jitsumei and a tsūshō. Boys’ childhood names often end with -maru. (Apparently this doesn’t apply to women, who kept the same name throughout their lives.)

Then it gets even more complicated. An uji (a clan) usually contains multiple ie (households). When an ie grows big enough, it splits into multiple smaller ie. A person can use the name of any of the ie along the family tree as their own surname, sometimes using multiple names depending on the situation and who they’re trying to impress.

.

In Goemon’s case, this is what his name probably looks like:

Myōji (household family name) : Ishikawa

Ujina (formal clan title) : Minamoto (the Ishikawa ie (household) branches off from the Seiwa Genji ie, which itself is part of the Minamoto uji (clan) )

Jitsumei (true first name) : ???

Tsūshō (public first name) : Goemon

So, not only is Goemon not his birth name (that would be his childhood name, which he does not use anymore), but it’s also not his “true” name, more of a formal nickname that people are allowed to call him.

.

You thought this was already a mess? Don’t worry, it gets worse!! :D

Not only did samurais change their names when coming of age, they could also change it multiple times in their lives, for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to:

to signify that they had attained a higher social status

to demonstrate their allegiance to a house or clan

to show that they had succeeded to the headship of a family or company

to shed bad luck that was attached to an inauspicious name

to avoid being mistaken for a neighbour with a similar name

The third option (succession to the headship of a family) could totally apply to Goemon. So if that’s the case, that means he would have been born with a childhood name (unknown), then changed it to an adult name (unknown), then changed it again to a new name (Goemon) signifying his position as the head of the Ishikawa household.

.

Btw, we don’t know if all of his ancestors were named Goemon, but we know that at least a few were:

In Part 6 ep. 5 and 6 “The Imperial City Dreams Of Thieves”, Goemon the Thirteenth assumes the identity of his grandfather and still uses the name Goemon Ishikawa

In Part 2 ep. 24 “Rats To You”, Goemon Ishikawa the Tenth and Goemon Ishikawa the Eleventh are mentioned

.

So, in conclusion: what the hell is Goemon Ishikawa XIII’s actual name? Fuck if I know, but it sure as hell isn’t Goemon.

.

PS: Regardless of what his birth name is, I think we can safely assume that he is really descended from the OG Goemon Ishikawa. Even though name succession in Japan (or at least in kabuki and other performance arts) doesn’t require a blood relation, Goemon did state multiple times that Goemon Ishikawa the First was his ancestor. It is possible that he or other ancestors were adopted into the family, as adoptions were frequent in the Edo era; but during that period, an adopted child had the exact same status as a genetic child, and was considered a part of the family just like everyone else. So, even if he’s not genetically descended from the OG Goemon, he’s still legally descended from him.

PPS: slightly off topic, but I couldn’t resist mentioning additional bits of trivia:

The kanji in the name Ishikawa mean “river of stones”. It’s the 19th most common surname in Japan. It’s also the name of a region, which the family is likely named after.

The historical Goemon Ishikawa’s name is written 石川 五右衛門 (last name - first name), while in the anime both he and Goemon Ishikawa the Thirteenth’s names are written 石川 五ェ門 (last name - first name). The third kanji of the first name differs ( 衛 in the historical spelling, ェ in the anime).

Wikipedia says that the historical Goemon Ishikawa probably used that name as an alias. Wikipedia gives “Kuronashin Sanada” as a possible “real” name. Interestingly, the Sanada ie and the Ishikawa ie both branch off from the larger Seiwa Genji ie and the Minamoto uji.

 .

Sources (if you want more info about the wonderful world of Japanese names throughout history):

Tofugu – A long history of Japanese names

Wikipedia – Shūmei (Japanese page, translated with Deepl)

Wikipedia – Japanese names : Historical names

Linfamy on Youtube – Why are samurai names so long?

Linfamy on Youtube – Why did samurais keep changing and reusing names?

Wiktionary - 世 (-sei) - see “Japanese”

Jisho - 世 (-sei) - see “Counter”

Jisho - 代目(-daime) - see “Counter”

Huge thanks to my sister @aime-aine , who helped me research all of this, used her knowledge of Japanese to help me read Wikipedia pages in their original languages, provided me with several of the above articles, and listened to me infodump about samurai naming conventions in medieval Japan for a whole evening. Aime, I love you so so much <3

[animeomegas]

Imagine that Sasuke is having problems with his 'future alpha', he doesn't understand some dating methods and ends up 'reluctantly' going to ask Itachi's alpha.He just blushed saying 'I can't believe I'm doing this but I need some advice'.Itachi's alpha comes home late looking happy and Itachi holding his dog asking where he's been.

Anon: I think Sasuke would only start liking Itachi's alpha after they help him stand up to a bigger, stronger, more trained betas and/or Alphas. Because I don't see him as someone who might ask for help from anyone, and his brother's alpha somehow saw them bully him and push him around, so they tell him how to one up those annoying people. (Maybe buy him ice cream or something after). This young Sasuke vs Itachi's alpha thing should be a show, because I'd sell everything I own to watch it.

(Anon 1: This is a big brain idea, anon, thank you for your service 🤭 I changed it a little, how that's okay!)

(Anon 2: I think you're absolutely right that Itachi's alpha does something big for Sasuke when he's at a low point, and it ends up changing their relationship for the better in a lot of ways. I decided not to go with bullying though, because Sasuke seemed to fit this scenario moreso. Also, ahhh, I'm so happy you're liking this mini series!!!!! I'm having so much fun writing it and it fills me with joy that other people are enjoying it just as much!!!)

...

Okay, so, Sasuke has never been the most intuitive when it comes to emotions. And he’s also never been great at acknowledging or learning about culture surround a/b/o dynamics because he’s always been adamant that he doesn’t care for it or need it.

But now Sasuke is starting to think that may have been a mistake. Because things are going wrong with this whole courting situation (that Sasuke still can’t believe is happening to him.)

Things were fine! But now the alpha courting him is getting colder and not wanting to train as much, and Sasuke doesn’t know what’s changed! He’s angry and upset about it.

He’s been brooding for about a week about the whole situation, but now he’s decided to ask someone for advice.

His friends are useless. His mother just laughed and told him it would work out if it was supposed to. Shisui is on a mission. He’d rather die than ask Kakashi sensei. So, unfortunately, he had to ask his brother, even though he was sure to get some embarrassing and invasive questioning from him. The sadist.

So, he goes to see his brother.

Who isn’t there.

His brother’s alpha tells him that Itachi is out with their pup all day running errands and taking him for his bi yearly check-ups. But Sasuke needs to know what’s going wrong and how to fix this now! He doesn't have time to wait for Itachi to be done with his stupid errands!

His brother’s alpha notices how tense he is and asks if he would like to stay for some tea, and Sasuke accepts before he thinks about what he's doing. Their relationship is much better nowadays but Sasuke can’t help but feel a little awkward around them still.

…

“Here,” they say, sliding two teacups onto the table. “You like green tea, right? It’s the only type we have in, you know what Itachi’s like with tea.”

“Green tea is fine,” Sasuke says politely if a little stiff.

His brother’s alpha sits down at the other side of the couch with their own tea, and the two sit in silence for a bit, each sipping their own tea

“Sasuke,” they say, shooting him a concerned look. “If you need me to go and get Itachi, I can. You don’t look well, he’ll come back in an instant if you ask him to.”

“No,” Sasuke answers quickly. “It’s fine… I…”

Here goes nothing.

“I’m just having a bit of trouble at the moments, is all, and…”

Itachi’s alpha nods, obviously listening intently with a look of concern on his face that is making this both harder and easier for Sasuke at the same time.

“Go on, Sasuke, I’m listening.”

“I’m sure Itachi told you about my… my er situation,” Sasuke starts, wishing he could punch himself in the face for phrasing it like that.

“That someone’s courting you?” they ask gently.

Sasuke only nods, face burning. He can’t count the number of times he’s told Itachi’s alpha to their face that he’d rather die than enter a courtship. This is so awkward, why is he doing this?

“Did they do something to make you uncomfortable, Sasuke?” they ask immediately after seeing his hesitance. “Because if they did, we can sort it out together okay? It’s not your fault.”

“No!” Sasuke immediately protests far louder than he intended too. “They didn’t… They didn’t do anything, I just… I think I did something wrong…”

Sasuke pretends to drink his tea to avoid having to elaborate any more, despite the fact that it’s still too hot.

“What did you do that was wrong?” they ask, voice still quiet and soothing and Sasuke hates how comforting he finds it. Like it or not, his instincts had branded Itachi’s alpha as ‘safe’ many years ago.

“I don’t know,” Sasuke admits, fiddling with the rim of his cup. “They seemed sad one day and I just thought they had a bad day or something, but now they’re… cold.”

“They aren’t behaving how they were behaving before?”

Sasuke shakes his head.

“Is it possible they have an issue at home or with some of their friends? It might be something in their personal life that's upsetting them.”

Sasuke shakes his head again.

“They seem fine when they’re with everyone else…” he admits. “It’s just me.”

Sasuke forces back the burn of tears he can feel behind his eyes. He will not cry. He won’t do it.

His brother’s alpha hums sadly.

“And you want to figure out what happened?” Sasuke nods. “Okay, why don’t you walk me through what happened on the days leading up to the mood change.”

And so Sasuke does.

He tells them all about how they would meet for training every day and Sasuke would bring two bento boxes for lunch, and then they would sometimes go shopping or go out to eat. Things he hasn’t told anyone about yet. And as he's talking, he really can't see what the problem is, everything seems fine! But maybe Itachi’s alpha might know some alpha thing that he doesn't. Sasuke can easily admit that it’s not his forte.

“I see,” Itachi’s alpha says after Sasuke had finished his story. Sasuke’s tea sits cold on the table next to his brother’s mate’s empty cup. “I think I know what happened.”

Sasuke looks up immediately. No way they’ve already figured it out that easily!

“They thought you were rejecting them,” Itachi’s alpha says simply.

“Wha- But…we spent everyday together! How could that be a rejection?!”

“When an alpha is courting an omega,” they start to explain. “They’re trying as hard as they can to prove to that omega that they can be a good mate.”

“I know that,” Sasuke snaps.

“Listen to me for a second, Sasuke," they softly reprimand. "So, when an alpha, particularly a younger one, is courting an omega, they are very sensitive to rejection, they look for it everywhere.”

“Why?” Sasuke asks, dumbfounded.

“Well, when I was courting your brother, we weren’t that much older than you are now, and I remember thinking that he was the most perfect person in the whole world,” their eyes take on a faraway look as they reminisce. “I was so sure that he must have had hundreds of alphas clawing for his attention every day, and so I was desperate to prove to him that I could be a good mate.

“With every gift, on every date, I would watch his reaction to everything, overanalysing every laugh and smile and frown. I loved him so much, but I couldn’t help but think that he would reject me at any moment. He was too good for me, and I knew that. It always felt like he was humouring me, especially at first.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Yeah,” they laugh, unoffended by Sasuke’s harsh tone. “Looking back, I guess it was, but what I’m trying to tell you, is that I can see how some of your actions could have been taken as rejection by a young alpha who was expecting to be rejected.”

“But…” Sasuke says, looking lost. “I didn’t want to reject them, I don’t understand.”

“Here,” they continue patiently. “Let me explain it to you like this. When you went out to eat, you paid for yourself even though they offered, right? Because you didn't want to burden them?"

“Yeah,” Sasuke trails off, unsure what that has to do with anything.

“But to a young, hormonal alpha, you’re basically telling them that you don’t trust them to provide for you, the one thing they are trying most to convince you."

“But I wasn’t-“ Sasuke protests.

“I know you weren’t,” they reassure him. “But that’s the sort of thing that will run through an alpha’s head at that age when courting. Also, you told them you wanted to train with them because you thought they were strong because you wanted to compliment them, right?”

Sasuke blushes but nods.

“And that’s great to start with, but eventually they would probably start to wonder why you wouldn’t want to train just to spend time with them. And you also told them that you had plenty of leftovers to make their lunch with so that they wouldn’t feel like they were burdening you, right? But that just made them feel like you weren’t going out of your way to do something special for them, even though you were. Do you see what I mean now?”

Sasuke blinks, rapidly trying to wrap his head around all this new information.

“And I also have a guess as to what pushed them over the edge into thinking you were rejecting them.”

“What is it?” Sasuke demands. “Tell me.”

“Did they make that scarf for you by hand, Sasuke?”

“Yes,” says Sasuke hesitantly.

“And they scented it?”

Sasuke nods affirmative.

“Did you give anything back?”

“I… Just said thank you… is that not right?”

Itachi’s alpha shakes their head with a patient smile.

“A handmade and scented gift is the most important and meaningful courting gift that there is, Sasuke,” they explain. “It’s what you give to someone to ask them if they want to move from courting to something more serious, to intended mates.”

Sasuke blushes and feels some panic rising in his chest.

“I didn’t know!” he blurts, feeling the need to explain himself.

“I know,” they rush to reassure him. “But the etiquette dictates that the omega, if they wish to move onto that stage, gives the alpha a handmade and scented gift in return, no later than a week after the original gift was given. They must have been very nervous waiting for you, and very upset when you didn’t even let them down softly.”

“It’s been two weeks,” Sasuke whispers, mortified that he had missed something he should have known. This makes so much sense. The sudden depression, the awkwardness at training, the nerves after they had given him the scarf. He’s such an idiot. Against his will, Sasuke starts to feel tears burning at his eyes again. He messed everything up!

“Oh, Sasuke,” they say, scooting closer to him. They hesitantly lay a hand on his leg, and Sasuke makes no move to push them off. “It’s alright, you can fix it.”

“How?” he sniffs, furiously wiping away any tears that manage to escape. “They probably hate me now.”

“Come here,” they say, pulling him into a hug. And for the first time ever, Sasuke accepts a hug from his brother’s alpha.

“It’s alright,” they soothe. “We can fix this, I’ll help you.”

“What can I do?” he questions, feeling miserable.

“You need to make them something and scent it. Then you can explain what happened afterwards, but the gift should go a long way in smoothing over any ruffled feathers. I can help you make something, what do you want to make?”

Sasuke shrugs, still resting his head on his brother’s alpha’s shoulder.

“How about some cupcakes? Itachi and I were planning on doing some baking with the pup tomorrow, so I have all the supplies. And I’m sure we have some ribbon lying around, you can scent the ribbon and use it to tie up the box, how does that sound?”

“But what will you use tomorrow?” Sasuke asks, feeling a little better, but still red in the face.

“I can buy more, Sasuke, don’t worry, but this is a courting emergency, so we have to do it now, okay?”

“Okay.”

…

Itachi comes back from his errands just in time to watch his mate helping his little brother tie a ribbon around a box of cupcakes. The kitchen is covered in baking supplies and empty bowls of batter.

Did they bake cupcakes together?

Itachi can’t believe it. He had been trying to get them to get along better for years.

When Sasuke sees him standing in the door, he blushes and, holding the box of cupcakes to his chest, pushes past him and out the door with a quick nothing more than a quick and murmured greeting.

His pup wiggles in his arms and demands to be put down. He obliges and they immediately run to his alpha for a hug.

“Hey there, buddy, have a good day?”

“It was boring,” they complain. “And the mednin had cold fingers.”

Itachi’s alpha laughs.

“Well, I know something that might make you feel better,” they tease.

“What?! What?!”

“Uncle Sasuke made you something very special,” they say, bringing down a spare cupcake from on top of the counter, iced in his pup's favourite colour. The way his pup’s eyes widen at the sight of it, makes Itachi smile. “You can have it after dinner, okay, and next time we see uncle Sasuke we have to remember to say thank you.”

Itachi watches in amusement as his pup nods furiously and immediately runs off to go wash up for dinner, despite the fact that Itachi hasn’t even started cooking it yet.

“Did you and Sasuke bake together?” Itachi asks, still unbelieving of what he had seen.

You smile, understanding how crazy that must have been for Itachi to walk in on.

“Yes, we… had a little bonding session,” they say. “I’ll tell you about it later, I promise.”

Itachi accepts the answer despite his curiosity and joins his alpha is cleaning the kitchen so that he can start cooking dinner.

And if both of them were smiling too much, well, neither of them brought it up.

[diegos-butt]

Electricity chapter 4

Summary: For the first time in her life, Melody Williams is moving out of her hometown to Minnesota where she got a job as a crime journalist for the Minnesota Daily. But this city does not only have a new job for her to offer. What will happen when she crosses paths with detective Walter Marshall? Heads up, a little electricity is involved ✨

Walter Marshall x Melody Williams (Curvy OFC)

Warnings: mention of murder, a bit of fighting

Wordcount: 3.9k

A/N: don’t do anything reckless y’all. Let me know what you think of this chapter. 😘

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3

•••

Somehow the universe was on my side for once. Once I got home, I noticed I had a new text message. I was surprised to see that it was from Walter. He asked if I got home safe. What a gentleman.

I figured he just wanted to make sure I got home safe, I didn’t think too much of it. If anything, I didn’t think we would end up texting each other for three days in a row. Did I wish that would happen? Yes. Did I actually believe it could happen? Definitely no. I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t believe it.

“Have you been texting with him again last night?” Gia asked when she saw me yawn and stretch my arms out above me. We were having a slow morning at work, and this was the third time she showed up at my desk.

“Maybe,” I smirked. Even though it started a little awkward, we were still texting. After I had texted him back that I got home safe, and he send a thumbs up emoji, it was silent for a moment. I had thought about what I could possibly text him next. I grabbed my phone to compose a text when a new message already popped up.

Walter: Still sure you want to live here?

A smile had formed on my face. He thinks he is funny huh. I was wondering what I could text back, and I thought to myself: what would I tell my friends to text back in a situation like this? Normally, I would never listen to my own flirting advice, but at that moment, I did.

Melody: Might stick around. Heard the detectives in town are quite something.

Since then, we had been texting constantly. Alright, maybe not constantly, we were both busy during the day, but we spend a good amount of the late evening texting. We got to know each other a little better. I told him about my family, and I shared a few awkward stories. For example, I told him about the time I was too stubborn to put on sunscreen during the summer, and I got sunburned to bad, I would never forget to apply it ever again. I still apply it every day, even in the winter.

In return he told me all about the shenanigans he pulled as a kid, and that he had a kid himself, Faye. At first, I was a little bit surprised, but then I figured we would have a babysitter once we would get children. Mel, get it together. You are not even dating him, you don’t even know if he likes you and you are already thinking about having children with him?! Our kids would look damn cute though..

“Earth to Mel! Stop daydreaming for once, and get some work done.” Carmen laughed and threw a pen at me, which I skilfully dodged, but it did wake me up from my little daydream.

“There is nothing to do! No development in the murder case and that’s all I am covering right now,” I said and spun around in my chair. “I am so bored right now, I don’t even know what to do.”

“Text your man, see if he has any new information?” Gia suggested.

“Hmm, he avoided talking about the case. Maybe they are having trouble getting a match with the murderer on that dating app.” I had told them about what happened the other day at the police station. I might have a hearing problem now because they had screamed so loud, I’m convinced the entire building heard them. It’s safe to say, they were very excited and convinced he liked me.

“Besides, he’s not my man!” I said while throwing the pen I picked up back at Carmen. “I mean, I wish, but he is so out of my league.”

“No one is out of your league, and I swear he’s into you. I saw the way he looked at you at the bar and at the crime scene. I have an eye for these things, trust me,” Carmen said and dodged the pen as well.

“Whatever,” I sighed. I spun around in my chair a few more times before an idea popped up in my head. “Guys, what if we set up an account on that dating app?”

“And then what? Meet with a creep? No thank you,” Gia said with a disgusting look on her face.

“I’m not a fan of that plan either. Please don’t do something like that Mel. Don’t do anything stupid. That could be very dangerous, and you know it,” Carmen agreed.

“It’s not like I’m actually going to meet him. I just want to see if I can figure out what profile he is using this time.” I stood up and looked out of the window. I oversaw the city, the sky was grey, and it was slightly raining. “Alright, fine. Can one of you give me something to do in that case? Otherwise I will make a dating profile.”

Later that day I laid in bed, trying to sleep. It was 1am and I had been trying to sleep for two hours, but I was still wide awake. I felt restless and didn’t know what I could do to fall asleep. I had tried to drink some tea, didn’t help. I watched an episode of The Office, didn’t help either. It also didn’t help Walter hadn’t texted me back for hours now. I wondered if he was already getting tired of me.

You know, I could, maybe, possible, just make an account on that dating app and swipe for a while. Maybe I would come across someone that matches the profile that the murderer would use. Gia and Carmen will probably kill me though.

I grabbed my phone. I hesitated for a second, but I downloaded the dating app. After I made an account and uploaded some cute selfies, I finally got to do some swiping. The most guys that came up were pretty basic. They didn’t spike my interest at all. They were the typical white boy, all with the same haircut and they looked like they did not only skip legday, also arm- and chestday. Half of them also posed proudly with a fish they had caught. As if that’s something girls like. Too bad none of these men look a little like Walter.

I also came across a few good looking, decent guys. I knew that was not what the police were looking for, so I swiped them to the left. The next profile was of a guy who was way too good looking. He also only had one picture. It was obviously that this picture was stolen from a model. The bio creeped me out a little. He said he liked to hike in nature, and he enjoyed the silence. You enjoy the silence? Are you trying to creep me out on purpose or what? I swiped him to the right. It was weird but I felt like this could be the one the police were looking for.

I swiped for a little while longer. Swiping a few sketchy looking profiles to the right until I felt my eyelids drop. Yawning, I put my phone aside and finally fell asleep.

The next morning my alarm woke me up. I stretched out after I turned the alarm off and grabbed my phone. There were a few messages, one of them was from Walter, but what spiked my interest was that I had a few matches on the dating app. I wanted to check it out, but I noticed I had to get out of bed and take a shower if I wanted to be at work on time.

After I had showered and got dressed, I grabbed my phone. The first message I opened was from Walter. He had texted me at 3am.

Walter: We were working late today, no breakthrough in the case. Missed texting with you, can I make it up by calling you tonight?

My heart skipped a few beats. He wanted to call? With me?! I stared at the message for a few seconds while I felt some butterflies flying around in my stomach. Okay, no need to freak out. He just wants to call, he is not proposing. Yet….

Melody: I missed texting with you too. And of course, you can call me tonight. I look forward to it.

Before I could overanalyse my response, I hit send. Take a deep breath Mel. No need to read into this too much. I checked my other messages and texted my mom and Gia back. My mom wanted to know how I was doing, and Gia needed an approval of her outfit of the day.

I walked to the kitchen and grabbed some milk and cereal. While I was eating my breakfast, I noticed the notifications from the dating app. There were a few new matches, and one of them had send a message. It was from the guy with the creepy profile. His name was John. Millions of people are named John, you could’ve at least been a bit more creative while choosing a name.

John: What do you say good looking? Let’s skip the talking stage and just meet up?

I shivered at the thought of meeting up with this guy, but he could be the one they’re looking for, right? I decided to just go to work and deal with it later.

The workday was slow and boring. I finished a few articles but spend most of my time gossiping with Gia about our favourite celebrities which annoyed Carmen at first, because she wanted to get some work done, but eventually she joined us. I also told them about Walter’s text from that morning. If I weren’t sure I already had a hearing problem from their screams before, I sure as hell would have one now. Those girls made sounds so high, I’m surprised the windows didn’t crack.

The rest day went by slow, and before I knew it the clock showed me it was 3pm. I had decided to not tell Gia and Carmen about the fact I downloaded the dating app and was considering meeting with ‘John’. I mean, I would inform Walter about it. I wasn’t a complete idiot. No need to stress those girls out. Why would I?

My phone buzzed and I picked it up. Another message from ‘John’.

John: What’s it going to be beautiful?

I thought about it, and what could go wrong? I would inform the police, aka Walter. Besides that, I can put up a fight. It’s not like I am a damsel in distress. Plus, the upside of being a little bigger; I’m harder to kidnap, you got to be pretty strong to even lift me up. I shrugged my shoulders and texted him back.

Melody: Sure.

Short, but clear. I looked around the office, Gia and Carmen both sat at their desks typing on their computers. They had no idea what I was doing. They would probably kill me, right here right now. Before I could change my mind about not telling them, my phone buzzed again.

John: Tonight, 7pm? A new bar just opened up, we could get a drink there.

The rest of the message contained the address of the place. I googled it before I answered. The website of the place popped up, and as I suspected, it was clearly a fake website. Bingo. I texted him back, saying I agreed with his plan.

The rest of the hours I had to spend at the office went by surprisingly quick. Soon people were starting to leave, and so were Gia, Carmen and me. We parted ways in the entrance hall, and I drove home. Once I was home, I looked in the fridge, and I came to the conclusion I had forgotten to do groceries. Again.

I wasn’t in the mood to order take out, so I quickly drove to the supermarket. Unfortunately, unlike last time, I didn’t ran into Walter. Shit, I still have to text him about my meeting with ‘John’. I’ll do it once I get back home.

I drove back home and started making dinner. After I ate dinner, and did the dishes, I looked at the clock. It was already 6.30pm and I had to leave soon. Glaring down at my outfit, I decided I wanted to wear something more comfortable. I went to my bedroom and stood in front of my closet. I grabbed an old pair of jeans and a simple long-sleeved black tee. No way I’m going to dress pretty for this guy. Wait, what if he actually is the guy from the picture? Nah, not gonna happen. Shit, I still need to text Walter.

I needed to hurry up and put the tee on. While putting on the jeans, I suddenly heard a sound I didn’t like to hear. I look down and saw the jeans have ripped in the area between my thighs. Thick thighs save lives? They sure as hell don’t save jeans. I thought while throwing them across the room. Quickly I grabbed another, old, pair of jeans and put it on. I put my shoes on and fixed my hair.

I ran into the living room again and grabbed my jacket. With my car keys and phone in one hand, I locked the door behind me with the other one and made my way to my car. 6.45pm, right on time. I started the car and drove off.

While I stood in front of a red light, I remembered I hadn’t texted Walter. Shit. Contemplating what to do, I decided to call him. He didn’t answer. Shit. I left a voicemail instead. The red light turned green and I continued driving. Once I had to stop in front of another red light, I decided to text him as well. I noticed how the streets around me became emptier and emptier.

The street where I was supposed to meet ‘John’ was dark and pretty empty. The sun was settling down, making it even darker. I parked my car at a parking lot and checked my phone. No response from Walter. Not yet at least. I was alone in the parking lot and decided to wait for a few minutes.

Alright, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe this was pretty dumb. And why did I forgot to text Walter. Why couldn’t I have done that sooner?! You know what, I’m just gonna go. This was dumb. And reckless.

But before I could start my car, someone opened my door. A man stood there, he was tall but not very muscular and he did not look like the profile picture at all. He looked at me with a creepy grin that made me regret doing this.

“Hello there, nice to meet you. I’m John and you must be Melody. Why don’t you step out of the car?” he said. I didn’t knew what to say, so I nodded and wanted to step out, but he spoke again. “Why don’t you leave that phone of yours here, we don’t need it do we?”

I knew I had to play by his rules. So, I left my phone and stepped out. He took the keys out of my hands and locked my car. I tried to keep thinking straight. Walter should be here soon, right?

John kept talking to me in the meanwhile. He kept telling me how pretty I was and how glad he was to meet with me. I stopped listening when I heard my phone go off in the car. Walter. If that is not him but my mom, I will do something to her.

“Come on, let’s get away from that car, shall we? The bar is right around the corner,” he spoke. We were the only people in the parking lot. I noticed he had parked his car a few feet away from me. Something was definitely not right.

“You know, I’m actually good here. Could you give me my car keys back though?” I asked. I knew he wouldn’t, but I had to stall. I really hoped the police would show up anytime now.

“Ah please? Just one drink?” He took a step closer to me and grabbed my wrist. I quickly twisted my wrist, releasing it from his grip. He looked at me with an unpleased look, and I suddenly felt a presence behind me. Never sneak up on me you dumbass. I thought as I felt the presence got closer.

Once I felt someone was right behind me, I didn’t waste another second. I took a step to the right and shoved my elbow straight into the guy’s nose with full force. He grunted in pain and when I looked behind me, I saw he grabbed his bloody nose with both his hands.

“Creepy Greg from finance?!” I say surprised. “Could have seen that one coming.”

“You bitch!” the guy in front of me yelled. He raised his fist and threw it at my face. Well, he attempted it. I dodged it and slammed my fist into his face instead.

“Sorry, that might leave a mark,” I smiled.

Creepy Greg from finance was still standing behind me, crying, and telling me I broke his nose and that I would pay for it. Make me.

I looked back at the other guy, and he swung his arms at me again, trying to hit me. I ducked to the side a few times, avoiding being hit. Sadly, I couldn’t escape all his attempts to hit me. His fist met the left side of my face. I felt my blood boiling from anger. I took a deep breath and raised my fists. While I was about to throw a punch, I heard loud noises. Cars. Thank God, they’re here.

Before I could comprehend what was going on, policemen were already running towards us. One tackled creepy Greg and a familiar figure tackled the other guy and threw a hard punch in his face. This is not supposed to turn me on. At all.

Walter got up and handed the guy over to another cop. The guy looked at me in disgust, but I didn’t see it. My eyes were focussed on Walter. He closed the gap between us by taking two passes.

“First of all, that was insanely stupid and dangerous and very dumb. This was reckless behaviour! But we will discuss this later,” he said vigorously.

“Yeah, I figured,” I said. I opened my mouth to continue speaking, but he spoke first.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?” he said with a concerned look in his blue eyes, and his hand caressed the cheek that had been hit. As his rough, calloused fingers touched my skin I felt a spark of electricity going down my spine. His other hand found its way to my waist, and he pulled me a little closer to him. His body radiated a welcoming warmth, and I smelled his familiar musky cologne.

“I’m fine, just got hit once. You should see creepy Greg’s nose,” I snickered.

“I did, and you sure know how to throw a punch,” he smiled. “I’m glad you’re okay. And I’m glad you called and texted me. I’m sorry I missed the call. If I hadn’t missed it none of this would have happened.”

“No, don’t be sorry. This was a pretty stupid, reckless plan and I should have called sooner,” I quickly answered.

“It was indeed reckless and stupid,” he sighed. “Look, we need to take your statement. Why don’t I take you home after?”

“I’d like that, but my car is here,” I said while pointing at it. His hand left my cheek, but his other hand remained on my waist. He was so close to me, and I felt so comfortable despite what happened a few minutes prior.

“We’ll take care of that, don’t worry.” He grabbed my hand, interlaced his fingers with mine and guided me to one of his colleagues. My heart was racing and skipped a few beats at the same time. His hand felt warm and comforting. I never wanted to let go.

We reached his colleague and he started asking me questions and he squeezed my hand before letting go. He walked away to speak to some of his other colleagues and I immediately missed his hand, it felt like mine had fitted perfectly in his.

I told his colleague what happened, and I could see he thought it was really reckless, but I also saw in his eyes he was kind of impressed. He complimented me on how I stayed calm, but he did tell me to never do anything like this again.

Once he dismissed me, I looked around for Walter. I noticed him already walking towards me, and he offered me a little smile.

“So, Liam is going to take your car down to the station and I will drive you home, alright?”

“Thank you,” I smiled at him. “Can I get something from my car? My phone and keys are still in there.”

After we got my stuff out of the car, he pointed at a big truck. We walked towards it in silence, and he placed his hand on my lower back. Oh god, please keep that hand there forever. Okay, I might be incredibly touch starved.

Unfortunately, we reached the car too soon and his hand left my back to open the door for me. I climbed in and he closed it. He walked around the truck, took place behind the drivers’ wheel, and started the car. While he drove into the street he asked for my address.

We sat in silence next to each other, the radio softly hummed a rock song. I looked out of the window, it was dark and suddenly I realized that what I had done tonight, could have ended badly. Really badly.

“Hey, are you okay?” Walter put his hand on my thigh but when I looked at him, his hand shot up to my cheek to wipe a falling tear away.

“Yeah, yeah. Just realizing that this maybe wasn’t a smart thing to do,” I offered him a small smile. His hand left my cheek and found its way back to my thigh. The warmth coming from it spread throughout my entire body and I didn’t think twice and placed my hand on top of his. He turned his hand around and interlaced his fingers with mine for the second time that night.

He smiled at me and focussed on the road again. We were near my home, but I did not want to be alone now. Heck, I wanted to be near him. I didn’t want him to go. It felt so good to just be around him. I have never felt so comfortable around someone so quickly.

He parked the truck in front of my apartment building, not letting go of my hand.

“So, we’re here,” I mumbled. He grunted in response. We sat in the truck in silence for a few more minutes until it started to rain. I knew it was now or never, he was not going to offer going inside with me. Not after what happened. Perhaps he thought I wanted to be alone.

I felt anxious, but I decided to just ask it.

“Could you stay with me for a while?” I avoided looking at him, but he squeezed my hand and his other hand gently grabbed my chin, making me look into his eyes.

“Sure thing doll.”

•••

> chapter five

Taglist: @keanureevesisbae / @klaine-92 / @xxxkatxo / @stxlemate / @oddsnendsfanfics / @amberangel112 / @seriouslygoodlookinggents / @sillyrabbit81 / @pixie88 / @cynic-spirit / @rn7rocks / @daddys-littlewhitegirl / @little-brattyangel / @omgkatinka / @myloveforhenrycavill / @eldarwen333 / @kebabgirl67

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[dreamygeorgenap-archive]

i feel like yall are doing sapnap dirty and the previous sapnap anon was right - its unfair

the dt confirmed they argue all the time and that it can be pretty toxic. sapnap is 19, george is 24. when they met george was already an adult, hes not a baby sapnap can randomly harass and get away with it. if anything, sapnap was being a brat and it shouldnt have happened on stream out in the public, i will 100% admit that. overanalysing their personal relationship with implications that sapnap is a possibly homophobic asshole is crossing the line though. because lets not lie, it was implied

//im saying all this with respect, but yall did kinda annoy me

See this is why I’m hesitant to post anything negative about the Dream Team. 

Sorry anon, but “overanalyzing” is what we do here on tumblr.com/dreamygeorgenap. That’s one of my specialities is overanalyzing their relationships, specifically Dream and George. And I always have trouble with people saying “you can’t analyze their relationships” when they literally put their toxic arguments on the Internet streaming live for thousands to see. Do you really expect people not to talk about it? If they didn’t want people to have opinions they could wait an hour and have their argument off stream. 

I really enjoy Sapnap, I like his chemistry with the DTeam and I love the three’s friendships with each other. Sapnap has now, in my opinion, targeted George in a completely disrespectful and derogatory way twice and has made me uncomfortable twice. You can love Sapnap and you can disagree with me, but that’s how I felt and you cannot take away my feeling towards those comments. I never implied that Sapnap was homophobic but I do think it’s interesting that he hurls these comments towards George when Dream is not around (because he knows Dream would protect George and so when Dream is gone, George is an “easier” target for Sapnap) and has never said anything towards Dream. It’s always towards George. The comments from Karl’s stream yesterday were messed up but the comments from a month or so ago from the “Jimmy Jacobs” stream were way worse and that is completely in my opinion. You can disagree, but you cannot take away that I (and seems like others) were uncomfortable with the comments. 

[dollymadness]

Hello. Shoto falling in love with a villian (with tragic back-story). At first he's very bothered by his feelings but later on he finds out their story and he understands the villian's side however villian hates his father and wants to murder shoto to avenge his family who were abandoned by endeavor during a house fire.

Pro hero Shoto x villain NB reader

hey loml !! sorry, this took me too long

Villain quirk: Fierce Snake - they can shapeshift into a full fierce snake or only incorporate the animal senses (which includes venom, highly sensitive skin, improved chemosensory...) on their human form.

You can choose the particularity of the snake that suits better on the situation.

The drawback is the short time you have on the full form, or when you are using more then one sense.

You are the ambicious type, with a indeed charming nature. A person that woudn't hesitate on sacrificing everything and yourself to reach the main goal.

But you are sure such extreme attitude won't be needed at all, due to your clever and logic brain. One thing, out of all that you are sure, is to overanalyse each move, every little step is calculated.

Shoto is a highly rated pro hero, on his prefered area. He isn't the biggest fan of the front line, the battle and the caos. Instead, he choose to live in the shadows, working successively suceed stealth missions.

Todoroki is the best type of spy, he is polite, cool-headed and extremely smart. The man is even more effective than Hawks was, he is changing this behalf of the heroe society to be more straight to the point, functional.

However, is not always that easy to find the needed information. After all those years, the company decided to try again an old strategy.

"All i have to do is go there and say i want to join? Sir, with all the respect, but-" Even being the CEO, Shoto is always respectful with his co-workers, even giving them power and space to desagree with him and openly point it out.

"Sir, i'm telling you that this will work. If you want, i can show the presentation again, and all the points to prove it's the best change we have."

There were rumors that the villains are planning something big against the top heroes, however they can't get even a small clew. All the pre-existing methods had failed on them and the team suggested to Shoto to infilter, alike his precursor.

It's a big and, on Shotos concepition, dumb step to make. The villains woudn't feel on the same trick two times, would they? "So many time has passed since then..." His co-worker argument was valid too. "You can easily scape if it goes wrong." Obviously he can. He would be the number one if wasn't for his area of action.

He is scared, but doesn't let it show on his expression when he agree. After all the discuss, they get out of the company with a well thought plan, step by step.

On the other side, the delinquents were also working on their main scheme. They wanted a war, as the LOV once did, but they needed a strong weapon to realize such, they wanted something better than the nomus, maybe an item to potentialize their individualitys. Still, they didn't have a clear direction.

Mei is the big brain, the scientist. Is she an inventor from the heroes side? Yes. Does she give a single fuck to the motivation besides just creating insane "babys"? No.

And she isn't getting anywhere with her "basic creations", in their masters word. All the villains can do by now is mess with hero society as much as possible and wait to their weapon to come to life.

Shoto is getting his job done. He putted himself into the ghettos and patiently waited. "Hey, hey, hey! What do we have here?" The elastic masquerade man curls on the walls next to Sho. "How can i serve you, your majesty?" He sneers, while the hero keep his face emotionless.

Todoroki then explains his will to join the villains, with the excuse of the hate of his on father and all the abuse he did to him, that part was not enterely a lie. He even managed to split out that he never wanted to be a hero, only doing for parental pressure.

The criminal listened with boredom filling his face, taking Shoto inside.

"Oh, if it's not our royal highness! Tell your dad i said hi." The Mastermind proceeds to talk by the moment Shoto walks in.

"Hello, sir." He started politely, lowering his head to show respect. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but i came here to offer my help to your crew."

Again, he gave the same excuse he'd gave minutes ago.

"I see. But don't think that i'm going to accept a filthy rat like you that easily... those who don't learn with the history are complete fools. You know are i'm talking about, don't you?" His voice was so low, barely audible and it send shivers on Shotos spine.

"Yes, sir, but i'm willing to prove my worthy." Todoroki could hear his voice cracking, the moment isn't bringing good memories.

His father was the one who used to put him in such a humiliating position.

"You can start by begging. If you want it, you will do anything, is that correct?" He watches as Sho silently gets on his knees. "And stop with that 'sir' thing. 'Master' will do." A big smirk appears

"Yes, master." He was starting to feel disgusted by himself, but didn't back off. "Please, let me join this league. I'm begging, Master, please." Hate on the most pure form runs throught his veins while he stay still, looking to the ground as it is the most interesting thing on earth.

"Tsc. I don't know if that erection you getting me is enough. What do you think, Y/N?" You suddenly emerges from the back of the empty dark room and joins in.

"Give the guy a chance, if he is bad we can just cut his head off." You see Shoto fighting his urge to look up and see your face, and it steals a laugh of your part.

"As you seem like having so much fun with this worm here, now he is under your wing. Test him as much as you want and if he fucks everything up, i'll blame you. Understood?" The Mastermind now shows that he's harsh to his allies to.

"Understood!" The man walks away, letting you and Shoto solve this new problem you both got into.

"So... what do you'll like for me to call you, peasant?"

"Shoto is enough."

"Okay, call me Y/N, i don't need all this formality that Master likes... get up." you order and he hops up in a second.

"Endeavors son is under my wing... a bit ironic, don't you think?" laughing to yourself, he eyes you as you clingy around his shoulder.

"You know what? This is going to be fun..." You shift into a snake, curling up on his neck, as Todoroki jumps in fear.

"So, Shoto, how you're going to prove me that you aren't faking this shit?" You turn into human again, only to shift again on his arm. "Huh?" Again, and now he is getting used to it.

"I-i don't now, 'boss'. You are the one to tell me this, right?" You finally stop, feeling pure joy while the young man has fear all over his face, body tense and eyes about to jump off.

"Yes, darling, i am. Trust me, if this is a setup, you will regret." You threat biting his neck, laughing as you walk away.

You put Shoto in all possible kinds of difficult situations...

He had to share confidential information about his hero friends.

Let the villains take a building filled of civillians.

And he had to help on the secret missions all along. You would curl on his neck and move for the extension of his shoulder, just to remember him that all his moves are being watched.

Shoto is skillful, and it's not hard to notice. In a short amount of time, he is already a pro on the wickedness. Slowly turning himself into a cold-hearted villain, and doesn't seem to hate it.

"Sho!" You two were leaving another building, with some items that Hatsume required. "You think that's funny?"

You try to play mad, but end up laughing with him. Shoto had freezed you just to mess around, and is now using his quirk to creat a beard on your face.

"I do." He complains, moving away to have a good vision of the scene he created.

"Of course you do, bastard. Set me free now!"

"Or what?" He teases.

"You know i can do it by myself, but i'm giving you the chance to redeem before i kill you." The playful tone don't make it less ominous.

"Make me." As the words drop out his mouth, you shift into a snake and get out of the ice, shaped to your human form.

You crawl till him, turning back into your normal form and quickly choking him. "Now we are talking."

"Any last words before i make you regret?" Your nails are sinking on his soft skin.

"I was couting on it." He smiles.

.

.

.

There will be a part 2 soon !! :)

[putschki1969]

Hello! I heard a rumour somewhere that Keiko got eye surgery when she was younger. Do you know anything about this? Thank you!

Hello there anon!

Yes, there have been rumours about this but there is no factual evidence and certainly no official confirmation by Keiko. Please keep that in mind while reading through this post. As we all know, I do not enjoy speculations all that much but I will have to admit that there are some pretty concrete indications that have led people (including myself) to believe that she might have had something done.

In case there are some fans who have no idea what anon and I are talking about, we are referring to Keiko possibly having undergone a so called double eyelid surgery as depicted in the image below:

Here are the most important things you need to know: It is a cosmetic procedure which is very popular among predominantly Asian communities to “treat” monolid and to effectively make the eyes appear larger. It’s about as common and “normal” as getting braces in the US. In fact, I reckon you are more likely to find youths in Asia who have done or are planning to do an aesthetic eyelid surgery rather than ones who are wearing braces. It is a pretty minor and very affordable procedure so people will not hesitate to get it done at a very young age. Often it will be the parents or other relatives who will suggest and pay for a surgery or they might even pressure the youth into getting one. While I am not Asian, I do have a LOT of Asian friends and acquaintances, many of whom have actually had double eyelid surgery in the past. So I feel rather confident talking about this topic because I am pretty much just relaying what they have experienced. 

Among many Westerners (including members of the Kalafina fandom) the procedure is seen as controversial and there are quite a lot of people who oppose it but please let it be known that I personally DO NOT JUDGE anyone for getting this surgery. It’s your body, your choice, if it makes you happy then please go ahead. I strongly believe that if you have no issue with people getting braces then you should also be totally fine with aesthetic eyelid surgery or else you are a big fat hypocrite. There is zero reason to look down on anyone who has had the procedure done and if I ever come across someone talking shit about another person because of this, I will not hesitate to call them out on it!

Now that that is out of the way, let’s talk about Keiko, shall we? She has never shared pictures of herself as a child. The youngest we have seen her is at age 15. We have one official picture from that time (seen on NHK’s Studio Park and Kalafina’s 10th Anniversary Fim) as well as video footage of her little acting gig in the movie Star Light (can be found on YouTube). Looking at the picture and the footage from an objective point of view, I personally believe that back then she was still pre-surgery. Everything we got afterwards (Itokubo era when she was around 20) looks like it was post-surgery. Here is a comparison of Keiko at age 15 and age 34.

I am aware of course that the old picture (as well as the old footage) does not have the best quality so it definitely cannot provide any sort of substantial evidence for whether or not she has had surgery. However, I think it’s clear enough to be used for the purpose of this comparison and to draw some more or less concrete conclusions from it.

It is quite telling that Keiko is the only one who hasn’t shared a proper “childhood” picture and the single picture she has willingly chosen to provide has her looking upwards which naturally makes her eyes appear larger and conveniently conceals the possible pre-surgery state of her eyes to the casual onlooker.

However, if we take a close look at the old picture, there appears to be no fold in the upper eyelid between the eyelashes and the eyebrow. I know, Keiko does not seem to be wearing any make-up here so that could be a little misleading but I honestly think it looks like she had monolids back then. Ultimately, it’s up to all of you to decide what you make of this picture. You can either see it or not. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter since it’s all just speculation. We will never know for sure so there is no point in overanalysing the matter. On my part it is a simple observation that does not have any bearing on how I feel about her. If she didn’t have it done, that’s fine, if she had it done, that’s also A-OKAY. 

Last but not least I would like to address a couple of weird arguments fans have brought up in order to refute that rumour:

Keiko is a perfect little angel who would NEVER do such a thing. Please stop that train of thought right there! Keiko is human, not some otherworldy being you have put on a pedestal. She is constantly making changes to her body and if she decided to get this surgery then we have to respect that decision and realise that it does not make her a lesser person.

The procedure isn’t all that popular in Japan compared to other Asian countries. While it may not be as popular as in Korea for example it is still the most commonly requested cosmetic surgery in Japan according to this article. You are in denial if you think those surgeries do not take place in Japan. Maybe they do not talk as openly about it as they do in Korea, it’s all very hush-hush in Japan BUT it’s happening for sure.  

Double-eyelid surgery wasn’t really a thing during the time Keiko was a teen. Uhmm..not really. it may not have been quite as hyped back then as it is now but it was most definitely something that happened frequently even in those days when Keiko was still a teen. Ever since the post-war era, the popularity of double-eyelid surgery has steadily increased so it’s been there for ages. I would also like to add a little example from my personal life to illustrate the popularity of the procedure in the very first years of the 21st century. My best friend who is in her early 30s has had her surgery done at age 19 (so around the same time that Keiko would have gotten hers). Even though she has lived most of her life in a Western country, didn’t grow up in Asia and was actually met with quite a bit of resistence from her Western surrounding (not from me, mind you!), she still made the decision to get the procedure done and just so you know, she did it for purely aesthetic reasons. Now if someone like her got the surgery done back in the day I would think it’s only logical to assume that young people in Japan were even more likely to get it done.

[coldflasher]

okay so not to get all meta on main (again) but i am, if nothing else, a chronic overanalyser, and the lack of coldflash content is slowly liquidising my brain. so ANYWAY, i was thinking about family of rogues 

and i mean, on some level, i am always thinking about family of rogues, this is not unusual behaviour. but i was thinking specifically about how incredible it is that len didn’t kill barry in that episode. 

i mean, think about it. this is leonard snart. there are, canonically, only two people in the whole world he cares about: mick and lisa, both of whom he would do anything to protect. in this moment, lisa is in life-threatening danger from their abusive father, who len knows damn well wouldn’t hesitate to kill his own daughter to get what he wants, what he wants in that moment being barry’s death. there is a bomb in lisa’s head. lewis could detonate it at any second, he has his finger on the button. lisa’s life hangs in the balance. all len has to do to guarantee her safety - at least temporarily - is shoot barry.

and len hesitates.

not just for a split second. he freezes (no pun intended.) he stops and agonises over what to do, whether to kill barry to guarantee lisa’s safety. he knows that every second of hesitation is putting lisa in greater danger. and it’s not like len is, if we’re being honest with ourselves, particularly concerned about murdering people. his canonically established reasons for not killing are a) convenience, bc murder is more likely to make the cops chase after him, and b) bc barry asked him not to as part of their deal, which is basically just a) with slight rephrasing. this is a man who froze a security guard to death just bc he was the first available person to test his new weapon on. a man who derailed an entire train full of people just to make a clean getaway. len is not someone who shies away from killing (as is made evident when he shoots his own father approximately ten seconds after the bomb is removed from lisa’s head, with NO hesitation WHATSOEVER.)

so i’m just in complete AWE of the fact that len pauses even for a second, that he lets his sister’s life hang in the balance rather than just killing barry on the spot. it’s not like he and barry are close - shipper goggles aside, they’ve had just a handful of interactions. i think len likes him, sure; he finds him entertaining, he enjoys their little skirmishes... but it’s not like barry is anyone majorly important in his life. he’s some guy that len flirts with ahem, fights with on occasion. when it comes down to him and lisa, there’s no contest. so the fact he hesitates is just??? unfathomable?? 

the safest thing to do would be to comply with his father’s orders, because every second len resists is another opportunity lewis has to detonate the bomb. but unlike lewis’ bullet - which barry caught with very little difficulty - the cold gun is made to stop barry specifically. if len shoots him at such close range, with this weapon specifically designed to take down a speedster, that’s it. game over. and len knows it. 

so he hesitates.

*screeches*

and of course, cisco removes the bomb safely, barry tells len, the dilemma is resolved. but that doesn’t change the fact that this is a MASSIVE thing len has just done, and a very telling decision on his part, that a man who purports to be so cold and calculating has what should be a very easy decision on his hands: whether to save his beloved sister by killing a man he claims to hate, or whether to put her in danger by refusing to do so... and yet he’s so obviously conflicted about what to do.

*takes deep breath and screams into the void*

now if we’re really going down that road, there’s also a LOT i could say about the fact that len trusts barry’s word instantly when barry tells him that the bomb has been safely deactivated. because if you look at len’s full-body relief, the way he goes limp with it for a second, you can see that there’s no doubt in his mind that barry’s being honest, and lisa is safe. that’s a hell of a lot of trust for someone like len to place in barry’s hands. and yeah, sure, we know barry is good and honest and kind, and a hero, and he’d never lie about something like that - but the fact len just instantly accepts that lisa is safe just because barry says so, that for all his trust issues it never even occurs to him to question it or demand proof before he turns on his father and takes out the threat... I’M FOAMING AT THE MOUTH HERE, PEOPLE

anyway my point is FAMILY OF ROGUES IS GOD TIER TELEVISION AND THAT MOMENT OF HESITATION SAYS MORE ABOUT LEN’S FEELINGS FOR BARRY THAN I COULD WRITE IN 100,000 WORDS OF FANFICTION, GOODNIGHT

[bensakindofmagic]

Chapter Ten

A/N: hey kids, sorry it’s been a hot minute since the last chapter but i’ve been on holiday so sue me. you guys seemed to really enjoy the last chapter which is so cool, i hope you like this one as much. ALSO i found out doing the research for this chapter that they filmed the party scenes in surrey whERE I LIVE LIKE 30 MINS FROM MY HOUSEEEEE

Warnings: swearing (and emotional rollercoasters)

w/c: 3k

Chapter Ten

Despite the promise you had made to yourself, you didn’t talk to Ben. The second you saw him you froze, unable to bring yourself to find out the answers to your questions lest they be ones you didn’t want to hear. Maybe it was cowardly, but mostly you felt hurt. You were angry with yourself for letting your feelings get this far, and more than that you were in pain. You felt it like a bruise, a deep aching when you looked at him. He had dangled what you most wanted in front of your face only to whip it away. You had finally let yourself fall for him, if only for a moment, just to find that it was a mistake. You couldn’t bring yourself to be angry at him. It wasn’t that long ago that he got out of a long-term relationship; maybe he thought he was ready to move on but found that, when the time came, he wasn’t. You were well aware that he had been with other women since then, but it hurt your pride less to believe your own lie. Through all your speculation and overanalysing, you still felt wounded.

So you did what you always did, and avoided the problem. You threw yourself into work, volunteering for extra tasks and asking to help on set in any way you could, to avoid talking to Ben. The few times you had been stuck in a room together it had been painfully awkward. Neither of you knew what to say, and your discomfort was usually written plainly across your face despite your attempts to appear normal. Because you were putting up a front, hiding the way you felt to keep the peace, you became jilted and artificial, and everyone noticed.

A particularly uncomfortable conversation in which you repeatedly stumbled over your words and refused to make eye contact with anyone, ended with you rushing off to some “extremely urgent wardrobe crisis”.

“It just can’t go on like this, Ben,” Rami sighed, who had of course been informed of the whole saga, “It’s getting ridiculous.”

“It’s not my fault she’s being awkward,” he insisted.

“I mean,” Joe goaded, “it fully is. You haven’t said a word to her about what happened between you.”

“I tried, she ran away.”

“She was overwhelmed. Didn’t you see how tense she was? She was desperate to get out,” Gwil reasoned.

Ben glared at him, knowing he was right, and gave a heavy sigh.

“Anyway, you ran away first,” Joe sassed. “It’s no wonder she’s awkward if she thought you were gonna bang and you just walked away without saying anything.”

Ben grimaced, “Look we’ve established that I did the wrong thing and I still regret it, but I can’t change it now, can I? So can we not talk about it please?”

“I still think it’s because she likes you,” Rami quipped with a self-righteous tone. Lucy walked in then, and sat down beside him. He turned to her, “Do you think Y/N has a crush on Ben?”

She blinked, “I don’t know, I haven’t spoken to her about it. You guys get on so well together,” she said to Ben, “I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. You’re like two sides of a coin.”

Ben hesitated for a moment, unsure whether to share such an emotionally intimate moment with the others, but decided he had to know what they thought it meant. “We did have this moment, outside on the balcony…”

“When you guys were basically upright spooning?” Joe gibed.

Ben rolled his eyes and continued, “Before that. She basically said that any girl would be lucky to have me... I think she said ‘to be loved by me’.”

They looked at him, incredulous, though Rami’s face was just painted with a smug smile.

Joe frowned, “How did that come up?”

“She was asking about ‘this girl I have a crush on’. You know, if I’d done anything about it.”

“Oh you’re such an idiot,” Lucy said, exasperated, “No wonder she’s confused, she thinks you like someone else.”

“But it’s clearly her!”

“She doesn’t know that! She’s never going to just assume it’s her if you don’t tell her outright.”

“Haven’t I been really obvious about it though?” Ben asked quietly.

“You really don’t know anything about girls,” she heaved. “Look, she’s not going to confess any feelings for you if she thinks you like someone else. No one wants to get hurt, and I know she’s very confident and self-assured, but she’s human. I guarantee she has insecurities, and she’s probably scared to get her heart broken.”

Ben, overwhelmed and feeling a bit like an idiot, faltered, “What do I do then?”

Her shoulders dropped as Lucy said calmly, “You tell her how you feel.”

Ben was forced to concede that the others were right and he would have to tell you if anything was going to happen. The thought of it made his chest tighten and his palms sweat. He kept putting it off for the rest of the day, making excuses to mask his apprehension (which was easy enough given that almost every time you laid eyes on him you started walking in the opposite direction). The next morning, however, on his way to work, he resolved to tell you. It couldn’t go on the way it had been with so much tension in the air. He supposed this was what you had been afraid of when you so adamantly vowed to not date people from work. That was something else that worried him — that you’d reject him on principle — but he just had to hope that he could prove how much he cared about you. Anyway, he enjoyed your company too much for you to keep avoiding him. He missed you.

He barely saw you that morning; you hadn’t been hanging out in makeup with them in the mornings like you used to. Before he could get you alone he was ushered onto set and he had to put you out of his mind. He had a job to do after all, you would have to wait. By the time lunchtime rolled around, he hadn’t had the chance to exchange two words with you. He kept trying all day to catch you when you weren’t busy. It wasn’t exactly how he had wanted it to happen, him confessing his feelings to you; he had all these grand, romantic ideas of standing with you under the stars, bathed moonlight, or kissing you passionately in the rain, but he had to be pragmatic. He couldn’t wait for it to rain to talk to you again. So, at the end of the day, when he finally saw you sat down on your own, he steeled himself and walked over to you before the chance was lost.

As he neared you he noticed how tired you looked. You’d barely been in his presence enough before for him to notice, certainly not this close, and he felt a pang of guilt. There were heavy bags under your eyes and your body seemed to sink.

“Um, Y/N? Can I have a word?” he said hesitantly. It seemed to startle you, and you faltered, eyes darting across the room seemingly trying to find an excuse not to talk to him. When it appeared that you couldn’t come up with anything, you nodded, shuffling over on the bench to make room for him.

“What’s up?” you asked listlessly.

He inhaled sharply, gathering his courage, “I wanted to talk about what happened, you know, the other day.”

He saw you instantly tense up, your eyes shifting away from him. “Look Ben, it’s only a big deal if we make it one.”

“That’s the thing… I just—“ he tried to find the words but they seem to leap from his tongue before he could articulate them, “I didn’t want it to happen like that.”

“Let’s just forget about it, okay?”

He didn’t want to forget. He didn’t want to pretend around you anymore. He ran his hand frustratedly through his hair. “I can’t—”

“Yes Ben, you can,” you interrupted. “You have to.”

This was going terribly. He wanted to start again, to rewind, to just say the words he had so longed to from the first moment you met him and made fun of him for tripping up the stairs at Abbey Road. “No, you don’t understand. I’m trying to tell y—”

His words were lost in the sound of your name being called over your walkie talkie, asking for your urgent help.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” you heaved, and left him sat alone. He dropped his head into his hands and groaned out a curse.

You didn’t get home until late that evening, so the second you walked through the door you collapsed in a heap on the sofa and ordered a pizza. You grimaced at the memory of your conversation with Ben, and hurriedly put a movie on to take your mind off it. You didn’t want to think about him, or the vulnerability in his voice, or the defeated, “Fuck” you had heard him utter as you walked away from him this afternoon. You didn’t want to dwell on the profound sense of loss that had settled in you. It felt like you had lost him. So you watched Pride and Prejudice for the thousandth time and ate pizza and went to bed without showering.

It was only the next morning that you realised what a mistake that had been — you woke up to find you had no water. You usually showered in the evening to save time in the morning and give you a few extra precious moments of sleep. When you woke early to give yourself time, but the water just spluttered and died, your heart sank. There was no way you could go to work without showering, and as you ran through the list of people you knew who lived close, you began to panic more and more. No one would be up at this hour and willing to let you use their shower. Except Ben. He didn’t live too far from you and would be up for work soon anyway. The thought of going back to his place made you anxious after what had happened the last time you were there only days ago, but you didn’t really have any other choice. You tentatively rang him.

He picked up quickly, his voice still groggy with sleep. You explained as briefly as you could, peppering the whole conversation with apologies, and he agreed, suggesting you travel to set together after. You collected your things and set off for his place.

When you got there you knocked softly on his door, trying not wake his neighbours. He opened it, looking all fluffy and warm, with bed hair and droopy eyes.

“Come in, ’s all yours,” he said, showing you to the bathroom and giving you a towel. You locked the door and got undressed, only allowing yourself to be uncomfortable at the idea of being naked in his apartment for a minute. The water was a welcome refresher, and as you ran your hands over your skin you let the tension abate from your muscles.

Ben was sat in the kitchen, listening to the water and thinking about you. He was fixated on the fact that you were mere feet from him, naked and wet. He focused stridently on his cereal, until he heard you shut the water off and a piercing scream penetrated the apartment. He rushed to the bathroom and banged on the door frantically, “Y/N are you okay? Let me in.”

When you unlocked the door you were wrapped in a towel, bare shoulders still dripping. You hair was tied up in a messy bun, with a few loose stands at the nape of your neck wet and sticking to your skin. The tiny droplets made your skin glow as light refracted off you; you seemed radiant. Except that you were clinging to your towel, staring with terror in your eyes at the corner of the room.

“Spider,” you shuddered, and he burst out laughing.

“It’s just a spider? Oh my god Y/N I thought something awful had happened, I was terrified.”

“This is something awful,” you said, too panicked to notice the sincerity behind his smile.

“Are you that scared of spiders?”

You indignantly hit him on the arm, turning on him, “It’s not funny Ben, I’m petrified. That thing’s huge.”

He grinned, “I bet it’s one of the spindly ones,” making his way to the corner where the offending spider was hidden. He stopped in his tracks when he saw it. “Okay to be fair that is enormous.”

It was thick-bodied and hairy. But Ben knew you’d only give him one chance to be your knight in shining armour, and he wasn’t about to chicken out. You giggled as he reached out, simultaneously shrinking away, and jumped when it moved. Eventually, after much squealing and laughing, he managed to trap it in a cup, from which you hastily flinched and insisted he flush it down the toilet.

“I will never sleep again if you let that thing live,” you had declared, and he acquiesced.

“I’ll leave you to get dressed in peace,” he said, trying not to look at your bare shoulders or the flat between your shoulder blades. “Get the kettle on, will you?” you said with a slight smile. It almost felt like things were back to normal.

He had a cup of tea waiting for you when you came out, and you took it gratefully.

“So spiders,” he smirked, lifting his own mug to his lips.

“Spiders,” you sighed and sat on the stool opposite him. “I saw Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets far too young, scarred me.”

“I mean, you can just blame JK Rowling then,” he joked.

“Oh, for sure,” you grinned. “What about you? Any fears?”

“Are we talking the deep kind or the irrational kind?”

You giggled, “It’s for too early in the morning for the deep kind.”

“Heights.”

“Ugh, how conventional of you,” you snickered.

“Well, you didn’t want to hear my deep emotional fears, they’re wild.”

“Oh god, I don’t think I want to know.”

You both laughed, making you suddenly aware of how awkward it had been before and how much you missed spending time with him. You had been friends before all of this.

You chatted for a little while longer before you noticed the time and decided you should leave. You gulped down the last of your tea and followed Ben to his car. It was only a half an hour drive to the house in Surbiton where you were filming Freddie's party scenes, but it was kind of wonderful. The sun was coming up, slowly bathing the world in gold, and you sang along loudly to the radio. Ben joined in from time to time, and you giggled at the impassioned expression on his face when he sang, but you could just make out the softness in his melodic tones. You were aware in your peripheral vision of him glancing at you every once in a while, and it caused your cheeks to flush a sweet rosy hue.

Once a song ended, Ben turned the volume down and his tone got serious.

“I missed you,” he cooed, glancing over at you.

You sighed, looking down at your hands in your lap, “I missed you too.”

“Why are we doing this?” he sighed limply.

“Don’t ruin it Ben,” you whispered, voice weak, ashamed and dejected.

“Why are we making it so hard for each other?”

“I’m not trying to make it hard for you, I’m trying to make it easier!” you denounced. You wouldn’t let him vilify you.

“It’s not easier is it? We can’t forget what happened, so why try?”

“We’ll just let it hang over us like a black cloud then, shall we?” you spat sarcastically. “We’ll just wallow in it, when everyone clearly knows but no one says anything. Which I’m also not happy about, by the way. What exactly gave you the right to tell everyone?”

His cheeks flushed hotly, “Who told you that?”

“No one told me,” you snapped, incensed, “It’s blatant! I can see it in the way they look at me.”

“Okay I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told them without asking you, but they’re my friends, we talk about how we feel.”

“I’m your friend! Or at least I was.”

That stung him, but you were too enraged to see the way he flinched at your words.

“This is exactly why I don’t get involved with people at work,” you continued, undeterred, “You actors are so self-involved, you don’t even stop to think about how other people might feel, or how your actions affect them.”

“Wow. Fuck you, Y/N, that is completely unfair.”

You pulled into the parking area outside the house where you were filming, and Ben aggressively put the hand-break on, turning to face you.

“No, what’s unfair is you fucking fingering me in your bed and then walking away without saying a fucking word!”

“I’ve tried multiple times to talk to you, you’re the one that keeps walking away,” he argued.

“Well then, I’ll just do it again, shall I?” you snarled as you got out of the car, slamming the door closed behind you and storming away. Ben threw his head back against the headrest and pounded his fist against the steering wheel, dreading the moment he would have to follow you inside.

tags:

@anikatcmh @queen-turtle-boiii @orchideax @rogerspoison @my5secondsofneverland @mrsmazzello @ixchel-9275 @radiob-l-a-hblah @devin-marie @rogmeddows @mercurycrowley @spaghetittiesbcimgay @valeriecarolinaw @saint-hardy @caborhapch @stephanie-everlasting @coldmuffinpartycloud @drowse13 @shhhs3cret @blind-melon-taylor @ohsososophisticatedd @mclfoybaby @littlepanda-love @leezie (let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!)

[aaaalterlove]

Obvious (Tyrus Fic)

Hi, this is the sequel that I promised. I hope you’ll like it! You can read the first part here:

https://aaaalterlove.tumblr.com/post/188007260625/what-are-we-exactly-tyrus-fic

It was 8am and Cyrus felt so tired that he could have sworn that he could have fallen asleep at any given second. Staying up till almost 2am last night had not been one of his greatest ideas, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t been worth it. Because it sure had been. TJ was now officially his boyfriend and Cyrus couldn’t really get his head around it. He had an actual, living, non-imaginary boyfriend. Even the thought of that made him smile like an idiot. On the other hand, it also made him a bit nervous. He hadn’t seen TJ after the bench nor the nightly messages and he was nervous that things would have somehow changed between them.

         They had agreed to meet at the park and walk to the Spoon together. Cyrus was approaching the swings when he saw TJ sitting in one of the them. He was looking down at his phone and therefore didn’t notice him. For a while, Cyrus just stood there, thinking of what to do. How was he going to greet TJ? Then TJ looked up from his phone and waved at him. Cyrus waved back and started walking towards the swings. TJ got up to meet him.

”Hey, underdog!” TJ exclaimed happily. Cyrus could barely open his mouth when TJ had already thrown his arms around him. Why was he feeling so nervous, even though TJ seemed to be totally okay? As they broke out of the hug, TJ seemed to sense his nervousness, too.

”Is everything okay?”

”Of course! Why do you ask?” Cyrus answered, rather too enthusiastically. The thing was, everything was okay. But it wasn’t, though, not in Cyrus’ overanalysing mind. He couldn’t shake of the feeling that TJ hadn’t meant any of the things he had said last night. Why on earth would someone like him want to be with someone like him?

”Well, you look a bit nervous. Have I done something wrong?” TJ asked, looking a bit worried.

”No!” Cyrus cut him off. ”It’s just, did you mean everything you said last night?”

TJ looked at him, surprised. For a while, he just looked at him straight in the eyes. Then he took both of his hands in his.

”Cyrus,” he started. ”Yeah, I meant all of it.”

Cyrus just looked at him. There was only sincerety in his eyes. They were both looking at each other now. TJ’s eyes were so green, and Cyrus loved them. They were still looking to each other’s eyes, when Cyrus saw TJ shyly glancing at his lips. Then it happened. Without warning, TJ leaned forward and kissed him. Cyrus was so caught off guard that he flinched. The kiss didn’t last for long, but it was perfect. He felt butterflies in his stomach .This is how kissing should feel like, Cyrus thought. TJ leaned back and smiled.

”Wow” was all Cyrus could say. TJ laughed nervously.

”Wow.”

Then Cyrus was smiling like his usual self. He saw that TJ was blushing slightly and he had never seen him looking so cute. TJ Kippen had just kissed him. Cyrus looked down at his watch and realised that they were supposed to meet the others at the Spoon in ten minutes.

”Well, we should be headed to the Spoon already. Shall we go?” Cyrus said, offering a hand.

”Sure thing” TJ said, taking the hand in his.

         That’s how they walked to the Spoon, hand in hand. To Cyrus’s surprise, Tj didn’t seem bothered at all by the weird glances some people gave them. Instead, he looked quite comfortable. Cyrus could have sworn that he saw him smiling at times. However, before entering the cafe, Cyrus hesitated. TJ just grabbed his hand tighter and they walked in.

         Buffy, Andi and Jonah were already sitting at a table. They were so caught up in their conversation that they didn’t notice them entering the cafe. Otherwise the cafe was pretty empty, only a couple customers that Cyrus didn’t recognise. They started heading towards the table, still hand in hand, and the others finally noticed them.

”Hi!” Cyrus said enthusiastically.

”Hey!” everyone said in unison, looking at Cyrus’ and TJ’s hands. Jonah made room next to him and Cyrus and TJ took a seat and let go of each other’s hand. The others just looked at them waitingly. Especially Buffy.

”So…” Andi finally said, trying to sound casual but failing miserably. ”What’s up?”

Cyrus looked at TJ and he just smiled at him.

”Actually,” Cyrus started. ”there is something we want to tell you.”

Andi’s face grew into a smile while Jonah looked like he wasn’t getting any of it. Buffy’s face, on the other hand, remained unreadable.

”TJ and I have started dating” Cyrus announced, smiling.

”Oh, finally!” Andi said, clapping her hands together enthusiastically. Jonah looked at them still a bit confused but happily.

”Wow, congrats!”

Cyrus turned to Buffy who hadn’t still said a word. Then he turned to TJ looking a bit worried, who gave him a reassuring nod, and then back to Buffy.

”And...what do you think about that, Buffy?”

Buffy looked at him.

”Of course I am happy for you,” she started and then turned to TJ. ”but knowing your history TJ, I swear, if you hurt him, you will answer to me.”

”Buffy!” Cyrus exclaimed.

”No,” TJ jumped in. ”I swear I won’t hurt him. I promise.” he said looking Buffy directly in the eyes. Buffy could see that he meant what he had said by the serious way that he was looking at him and started smiling.

”Good, then I am happy for you both.”

Cyrus looked at TJ feeling relieved. He could see that also TJ was looking quite relieved. Cyrus had kind of known that Buffy would react in this way, since he was always so protective of him.

”I was just wondering,” TJ suddenly said, turning to Andi. ”what did you mean with ”finally”?

Andi turned to Buffy and they both started grinning.

”Oh, we have had our suspicions for a while now.”

”What? Since when?” Cyrus said, astonished.

”Like,” Buffy started. ”Since the Shiva”

Cyrus and TJ looked at each other confused.

”Oh come on!” Buffy continued. ”You guys were literally so obvious! Like have you seen the way you smile at each other?

Cyrus blushed. Like, really blushed. But when he turned to TJ, his own blush was nothing compared to his. He looked like a tomato. They locked eyes and just looked at each other. Then they just smiled and started laughing.

”Like see, that’s exactly what I mean” Buffy stated.

”I mean yeah, now I can totally see it!” Jonah said while eating baby taters.

Cyrus and TJ just kept looking at each other. The others started to change the topic but neither of them could hear them talking. Cyrus could feel TJ reaching for his hand under the table and they held hands. Now that Cyrus thought about it, maybe Buffy was right. All the smiles, the little touches, the nicknames and the not-so-subtle-flirting. Yeah, they had definitely been obvious.

[must-be-brooklyn]

Looking for You

Paring: Javid, mentioned Newbians, mentioned Sprace 

Words: 5.0k 

The thing was, they were perfect for each other. Race could not understand how they could not be dating.

- o -

Five times Jack and David's friends thought they should have been dating and one time they agreed.

i

New high schools were always scary places. Race had moved around enough to be intimately familiar with that fact. This school, though, - his fourth in as many years - was at least starting positively. That was more than he could honestly have said for any other place he had been to.

In all honesty, it was looking like an all-around good start; he was comfortable around the new foster family he had been placed with, his classes were going well and although it had only been a week since he started at the school, the few people he had been hanging around with had invited him to join one of the school clubs.

Race leant back against the wall, waiting for Specs and Romeo to show up. They had said they would show him to the room because quite aside from still getting lost when finding his lessons, the drama room that the meetings were held in was apparently almost impossible to find. Passing the time, he mused on what the club was for. No one had thought to mention it before and at this point, he was hesitant to ask.

“Race!” Romeo waved at him from the other end of the hall and then ran to get to him as quickly as possible. “How was calc? Specs’ll be a minute, he got stuck behind in politics, so he said we should go and he’ll meet us there.”

Romeo did not wait for an answer, grabbing Race by the forearm and tugging him up a stairwell. “So, how was calc?” he asked. The hallway was crowded and difficult to push through when everyone else was trying to get to the cafeteria in the opposite direction. “And… What other subjects did you have?”

“Italian and physics.” Race paused to let a tall girl push past him.

Romeo pulled a face. “Sounds gross.”

Race shrugged and gave a half-hearted grin. “Not so bad. Physics is pretty easy, and my parents were Italian.” He declined to mention that his parents had both died when he was eleven and he had not been around a conversational Italian speaker regularly since then.

“So, you’re, like, fluent?” Romeo rounded the corner into the drama wing. “That’s awesome!”

“What’s this meeting about, anyway?” Race followed Romeo down another corridor. The whole school felt like a giant maze that was out to make him as late to class as possible.

Romeo turned to look at him, surprised. “Didn’t anyone tell you? It’s the LGBT+ club.”

Race stopped in his tracks and could not stop the irrational burst of fear that flashed through him. He had thought he was passing just fine. No one had said anything; he had thought no one knew. Memories of his last school streaked across his mind. “Whoa, what?”

“Don’t say you’re homophobic or something,” Romeo said with a sigh.

Shaking his head quickly, Race paused for a second to consider what he was trying to say. “How’d you know about me?”

“Know what?” Romeo looked confused enough that Race was almost inclined to believe that he genuinely had no clue. Romeo shrugged and grinned at him. “The whole group goes to the meeting, so we didn’t want you to feel left out. Besides, you seem like a cool person, so we thought you’d be chill with it.”

Race let out a breath he did not know he had been holding. “Oh, right.” The tingling in his stomach died down to nothing. “No, yeah, I’m cool with it. Sounds good!” He grinned and although he feared that it might have looked more like a grimace, Romeo beamed back at him.

“Yeah, it’s really cool!” Romeo enthused, “There are a few seniors there, and some from lower year levels as well. Jack and Davey run it. You met them yet?”

Race pulled up short, almost knocking into Romeo as he stopped abruptly outside a classroom.

Romeo pushed the door open. “They’re all cool; you’ll see.”

‘Chaos’ was the word that came to mind when Race walked into the classroom. There must have been almost twenty people running around the room and yelling. Piggybacks were commonplace, and Race could not help himself from biting back a grin. This was the type of atmosphere he had been missing for so long.

Race scanned the room. It was predominantly boys who filled it, he now realised, but there were a few girls and androgyny people scattered amongst them, too. Romeo pushed him a little further into the room and just a few seconds later, Specs tumbled through the entrance, too.

“Romeo, Specs!” Race’s gaze snapped in the direction of the voice. The boy who said it was on the opposite side of the room, sitting much closer than necessary to another boy who was typing on a laptop. His arm was thrown carelessly over the typing boy’s shoulders and occasionally he peered at the screen. “You bought a newbie!”

Suddenly, all eyes were upon Race. Even the typing boy looked up. He looked strikingly similar to one of the girls in the room with dark hair, freckled skin and a crooked nose.

“I’m Race.” He waved overenthusiastically at the others and grinned. First impressions were important.

The guy who had called him out walked over. Obviously, he was one of the leaders.

“I’m Jack,” he said with an exceptionally strong Manhattan accent. “He/him, bi, all that good stuff. Anyway, nice to have ya here.” He pointed over at the typing boy, who was pushing himself away from the laptop and walking over to join them. “And that’s Davey.”

“David or Davey works,” David said, taking his place next to Jack, and smiling shyly. It seemed an almost reflexive reaction that he put his arm around Jack’s waist and stood as close as possible. No one else in the room blinked at the display and Race had to wonder if they were dating. “He/him and very, very gay.”

That seemed to set off the tidal wave. People surrounded him, introducing themselves left, right and centre. It was pleasantly surprising how open and friendly everyone seemed to be. Race could not stop himself from beaming the entire time. Seeing a group of people who were so comfortable with themselves was a million miles removed from any other place he had been.

Without noticing it, Race’s eye lingered on Jack and David. They dropped back a few steps when everyone approached him, but they had linked their hands together now. It was so casually affectionate that Race almost felt like he could not be seeing them correctly. He had never known a gay couple to be so unguarded.

The meeting was largely unproductive. By the time Race had been introduced to everyone at least twice and learnt a good artillery of fun facts about them all, lunch had already ended.

Davey packed up his laptop – Romeo had learnt that he was finishing an AP history essay due next period that he had forgotten about – and Jack dismissed them all talking about catching up over the weekend and a group chat that Specs promised he would add Race to.

As they walked towards their lockers again, Race could not stop himself from turning to Romeo. “Davey and Jack,” he murmured to him, “They’re dating, right?”

Romeo shrugged at him. “Who knows?” He grinned cheekily. “If you want, though, you can join the betting pool on when they’re going to announce it.”

Race laughed. Yeah, this seemed like the type of thing Race could get used to.

ii

The worst days were the ones where no one could convince Jack to leave his room. Not Spot. Not Medda. Not even Crutchie, who had been his closest confidant though everything - since he had entered the fostering system, during their adoption by Medda, and every moment since then.

The worst days were the ones where Crutchie had ended up firing a text off to David. There was no fixing depression, but David could usually get into Jack’s room and coax him into eating and drinking something. Even if that was all he could do, sometimes it was still more than anyone else could.

Crutchie tried not to feel put out by it. Jack had explained before: depression did not give rhyme or reason. It just was. David simply connected with him better when he was in a slump. It was nothing to do with who he liked or did not like. It was something he could not control. He had met David in the first year of high school, and since the really bad days started when he was sixteen, David had always been the person who could handle them the best.

Restlessly checking his phone, Crutchie shifted slightly on the couch. Medda was out and Spot was supervising their younger adoptive sibling, Boots. From the sitting room, he could hear a piece of paper being torn up in Jack’s room. He winced and hoped that it was not a drawing he would regret losing in the future.

A knock on the door was Crutchie’s saviour. He grabbed his crutch and limped towards the hall to open the door for him.

“Thanks for coming,” Crutchie said quietly as he let David into the flat. “He won’t talk to anyone else. I figured you might have a chance, though…”

David gave him a small, weary smile. There were deep bags beneath his eyes, and he had clearly thrown on yesterday’s clothes in a rush to get out of the house. “I’m happy to come anytime, you know that. Is he in his bedroom?”

Crutchie nodded. “Can you make sure he takes his meds if he hasn’t already?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I’ll put a glass of water outside the door.” Crutchie moved into the kitchen, leaving David by Jack’s bedroom door.

Even though he tried not to overanalyse Jack’s words and trusted him without a doubt, sometimes he did wonder if there was something different about David. The soft words he used to coax Jack’s door open were not so different from the ones anyone else used, after all.

Through the kitchen door, he could see David with his back against Jack’s door as he spoke in dulcet tones. There was a look of concern on his face, but something softer and more vulnerable lay beneath that. It was an expression that Crutchie used to see on his parents' face before the bills started piling up and his father resorted to alcohol and violent fits.

On the worst days, it seemed more apparent than ever that David and Jack had something that no one else knew about. That was special to them. He always pushed the questions back, though. Jack was fiercely defensive, and David acted like an animal backed into a corner whenever they were asked. Crutchie knew better than to push it.

He saw the door crack open to let David inside and sighed quietly in relief to himself. If he could not get through to Jack, at least someone could. David could not fix Jack’s depression any more than the anti-depressants could but having someone to talk to on his darkest days was tenfold better than dealing with it alone.  

Crutchie limped back into the sitting room and set the glass of water down outside of Jack’s bedroom. They would figure things out in their own time.

iii

College was stressful. That was what everyone said, anyway. Katherine, however, was seriously starting to doubt that there was anything more stressful than college applications. There were new deadlines every time she turned her head, copious amounts of pressure from her father, and an underlying dread of finding herself halfway across the country from any of her friends.

On some level, she felt terrible for worrying so much. She alone in her group of friends – most of whom she was unashamed to say were from the LGBT+ club – had the funds to go anywhere she wanted. Her father was wealthy and as long as she went to a good university, he would insist on paying. Nearly everyone else was relying on equity scholarships or any other type of bursary they could get their hands on in order to afford it.

The more careers sessions they had during homeroom, the more Katherine dreaded the choices she would have to make. At the front of the classroom, the teacher sat at his desk while the students in the classroom discussed what they were thinking about doing quietly.

She glanced at her laptop screen and sighed. Journalism. Strikingly uncreative, but nonetheless the only major she was really interested in following. Resting her head on her hands, she looked to Jack. The rest of their friends in the year level were in different classes. All things considered, Katherine felt lucky to have both David and Jack in the class. It would have been very lonely to be by herself.

“Have you decided where you’re applying to yet?” she asked.

Jack bit his lip. “A fine art place?” He did not sound entirely sure.

“Dave?”

David shrugged and managed a weak laugh. “Who knows?”

Katherine nodded and returned to scrolling through the journalism courses reviews for a few seconds. “Do you know what you want to do at all?”

Sighing, David shook his head again. “I considered medicine… But, I’m not sure. Linguistics or history would be cool, but what the hell do you do with a degree in one of those two subjects?  Paramedicine or chemistry might be interesting, too…” He pushed his reading glasses onto his forehead and rubbed his eyes. “At the rate we’re going, the workload will’ve killed me by the time I finish high school, so I won’t have to worry about college, anyway.”

Sometimes Katherine forgot how broad David was. He could have gone into almost any course and exceeded in it, even if he hated it the entire time.

“You could double major?” Katherine suggested half-heartedly.

Jack swung his arm around David’s shoulders and pulled him close. “It’ll be fine, you know. You’ll do great at whatever you choose.”

David gave a small nod and another heavy exhale.

“You’ve literally got a perfect GPA and you’re involved in fifty-million clubs. A college would be crazy not to offer you a really fancy scholarship,” Jack continued. He shifted his chair a few inches closer to David’s.

David let his glasses slip onto his nose again and gently elbowed Jack. “Don’t say that kind of stuff. You’ll be the one to get a scholarship to whatever arts place you want to go to. Have you seen his artwork?” He looked to Katherine for backup. “It’s insane, right? No arts course wouldn’t want you.”

Katherine nodded with a simple smile. Her eyes dragged over them both, sitting much too close for comfort, and the way their hands lingered on each other’s arms a little longer than necessary. Their bond often confused her. They were closer – both literally and figuratively – than she and Jack had ever been during the brief month they went out. Sometimes, they seemed to know each other better than she and Sarah knew each other, and they had been dating for almost half a year.

And yet, she never saw anything between them that could not technically be classed as platonic. A very touchy platonic relationship, but platonic nonetheless. It astounded her that they managed to be on the exact same wavelength and still miss the looks of longing that they threw each other.

Sometimes, she wished that she and Sarah could be so in tune with each other. She had quickly scrapped that idea when she realised how uselessly oblivious they could be, though.  

“I keep telling him that he should go for Harvard or something. I mean, go big or go home, right?” Jack said. Katherine jerked out of her reverie and nodded with a laugh.

David pushed Jack away with fondness in his eyes. “Don’t kid about that stuff, Jack!” He returned to browsing through university websites on his laptop and completely missed the look utter adoration that Jack gave him in return.

Katherine sighed and shook her head. One day, she was sure they would figure it out.

iv

The summer holidays were a relief to get to. Specs was exhausted. Even during the transition weeks, the teachers had laid the homework on so thickly that he could feel his legs buckling underneath himself. Jack had laughed when he had complained – relaxing in the school library having finished all of his exams and waiting for David to finish his final chemistry paper – and told him that senior year only got worse.

In the honour of the graduated seniors, a sleepover had been organised at Specs’s house for the LGBT+ club. Complete with films, junk food and mountains of blankets, the place had gradually descended into disarray until people had started passing out all over the sitting room.

Sarah and Katherine were curled up on the couch. There was a pile of the freshman boys on the rug. Race and Spot were murmuring quietly to each other, one hand linked, where they thought no one could see them. And, of course, David and Jack had fallen asleep all over each other in an armchair.

Specs gazed blearily around the room. His glasses were greasy, but he could not be bothered to clean them. He would worry about that in the morning. Romeo had his head in Specs’s lap, so he was not about to move, anyway. Absently, his eyes around the people again.

His eyes lingered on Jack and David. They never talked about their relationship, but it was clear to everyone that what they had was special. Not a mutual dependency, but enough trust and affection to sustain them for a lifetime.

David’s head was resting on Jack’s shoulder and their legs were tangled together in a blurry mess. It looked extremely uncomfortable. Specs struggled to understand how they could sleep in such an uncomfortable position. By the time they woke up, he was certain that their joints would be stiff and painful.

Since joining the LGBT+ club in freshman year, Specs had seen it grow hugely. It had been Jack who had started it before David had become their unofficial second leader. In those early days, the club had been something of a refuge to him and the few others who were in it. No matter what, they were a network of support for each other.

That network had only grown as the number of people who came increased. It was nicer with more people, he thought. With such a broad array of people represented, they had been able to broaden their horizons. Specs, for one, had more friends from that club than he did through any other co-curricular.

Specs could also remember the days when Jack had dated Sarah and then, just under six months later, Katherine. Often, the tension in the room had been horrific and David had struggled to sit next to Jack. (Honestly, Specs had a lot of sympathy for him. He shuddered to think about how he would feel if his best friend was dating his twin. That being said, he often wondered if there was something else going on that had catalysed the failures in communication). Outwardly, their relationship dynamic was completely thrown off and it had shown.

He preferred to think of the months after that, though. The period of healing that had followed was much more special.

It was something that Specs thought of fondly. In his experience, it was rare to see a relationship destruct and then grow back again healthily. David and Jack had been a rare case, and, although he was younger than both of them, it made Specs proud to see how far they had come. No complete reliance on each other, no fight since the dark days, and an impeccable ability to compromise.

If they ever did date, Specs was certain they would make a dream couple. They had everything already going for them.

He pulled his eyes away from them and looked down to Romeo and silently ran his hand through his hair. One day, maybe.

v

Being a twin had benefits. Being a twin also had severe drawbacks. Sarah was convinced that the biggest problem of being a twin was how completely helpless she felt when she could not help David. They were meant to get each other in a way that other people could not. Often, they did

Sometimes, though, they did not.

Sarah knelt in front of David as she spoke in a messy combination of Hebrew, Polish and English. Watching her twin have a panic attack always made her feel horrible. It had been years since David had started having them, and she still felt as terrified and useless as when he had his first.

David's back was pressed against the wall, his hands knotted in his hair and his breathing pattern was uncontrolled. There were tears squeezing themselves out of his screwed-shut eyes.

Gently, Sarah pulled his hands away and held them in front of him. “C’mon, Davey. It’s alright. It’ll be over in a minute. Breathe with me, yeah?”

Sarah knew the drill. She had been the first one to demand to know what to do when David was first diagnosed. Do not let him hurt himself. Let him know that it will be alright. Regulate his breathing. Sarah took a deep breath, and slowly, she counted up to seven, then to eleven and repeated the pattern.

David whimpered quietly, but the fight in his hands disappeared. He was going limp just like he always did after an attack. His head hung forwards as he listened to Sarah and struggled to count through his breaths.

Sarah swallowed the lump in her throat and finally let David’s hands go. They flopped to his side. Crawling to sit next to him, Sarah took one of his hands in his own and started gently tracing shapes into his palm.

“It’s alright, Davey,” she whispered. “I’m here. I’m not leaving. And, Jack-” she cut herself off for a moment “-Jack’ll be back in a minute.” It was meant to be a casual get together. It was the first weekend that she had been free to take the two-hour train trip to David’s university in months and Jack had finished his major project, which allowed him to come up, too.

David whimpered again and Sarah squeezed his hand. It was just a matter of passing the minutes. After the initial panic attack, David usually took a bit to come out of his stupor. Until then, she just talked to him quietly and tried to wait until he was ready to ask about what had set him off.

This time, she imagined it was probably university stress. He had told her already about how difficult some of his classes were this semester, and she knew that in order to maintain his scholarship he had to maintain a 3.75 GPA.

Soon enough, the door to the dorm opened and Jack walked in baring take out and a carton of milk.

Sarah made eye contact with him and begged him to understand. It was a silly wish. Of course he understood. He had probably seen David have almost as many panic attacks as she had, particularly during that horrific first half of tenth grade.

Jack set the food and milk down on the table and sat down on David’s other side. Without so much as a word between them, David let his head rest on Jack’s shoulder and exhaled shakily.

Sarah bit her lip. She hated it. The panic attacks, how helpless she felt, that even medication could not fully stop them. In their nineteen years together, she and David had shared a womb for eight months, lived seven years in Poland, immigrated to America together, gone through nearly all of their schooling together. And yet, here she was, unable to stop this for her brother.

A part of her wished that she could be in Jack’s position, able to wordlessly communicate about anything and everything. The more rational part of her knew that it was something special that David and Jack had with each other.

She and David were twins, but they were close in a different way to how he and Jack were. The individuality of people’s relationships with each other were all precious in their own right. Her relationship with Katherine was closer to what David and Jack had. Occasionally, she wished that they could see that before one of they got hurt.

Neither of them had dated since the disaster that was tenth grade. Since then, she had been counting down the days until they finally clicked. They were not perfect, but no one was. Their relationship with each other and mutual ability to help each other through the worst days, though, was something that was irreplaceable.

It would happen eventually. She did not have to be David’s twin to know that. But, for now, Sarah would bide her time.

i

Winter break was debatably David’s favourite time of year. There was snow, Hanukah, and plenty of time to be spent with his friends and family. This year, David was going back to New York via Jack’s university – which was en route anyway – and spending a few days at Jack’s dorm.

The snow was already thick on the ground and as much as David loved the snow, having to walk long distances in it without appropriate snow gear was rarely any fun. Jack walked next to him and they spoke loudly to be heard over the wind.

“Museum is this way!” Jack said, grabbing David’s hand and pulling him down a side street. It was slightly more sheltered from the wind, but still unbelievably cold. David had lived in Białstok when they were in Poland, but even though it was colder there than it was here, he was no better at handling the chill.

Jack drew his muffler down with one hand, the other one still holding David’s, and grinned at him. “Cold, huh?”

“You don’t say,” David replied dryly. He brushed off some of the snow that had collected on his coat with his free hand. “How much further?”

Jack shrugged. “Like, ten minutes, maybe? If we’re quick.”

“Ten minutes?” David groaned and curled his toes in his boots, checking that they still had feeling. “Are you sure that you don’t want to go back to your dorm and wait for it to stop snowing before we go any further?” They had already gone to a coffee house and David was not sure he could last much longer without a proper snow jacket in the weather.

Jack beamed. “Sounds perfect.” He began to pull his muffler back up and grabbed David’s hand again, pulling him back into the main street. “It’s about a block up!”

“Okay, sure.” David took a few long steps to catch up with Jack and then fell back into stride with him.

Jack looked at him. “The town’s pretty, don’t you think?”

“Very,” David agreed through the scarf he had pulled up over his nose and mouth. “Must be nice to live here.”

David could see Jack’s eyes crinkle into a familiar smirk. “It’d be nicer if you lived here, too.”

David stopped short on the street and stared at Jack. “You’re choosing now to get sappy?” He laughed and shuffled a few steps closer. “Really?” He grinned back and squeezed Jack’s hand, wondering in the back of his mind if he could even feel it through his thick gloves.

“I mean, yes?” Jack had stopped now, too, and sounded like he was questioning the words that were coming out of his mouth. “Like, you’ve applied and got a conditional offer – which you’re totally going to smash – to do a masters at a close university next year and I’ve got a local placement lined up, so yes? We should move in together.”

David stared at him in silence. Nothing could quite quantify the millions of things that were running through his head. “Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously!” Jack insisted.

Too many things were running in through David’s head for him to pull together a coherent sentence.

Jack backtracked quickly. “Or, I mean, maybe not. You’ve already got something else planned, I guess, and I mean-.”

David cut him off with a kiss. “I’d love that,” he said breathily. “But, maybe, not just as flatmates?”

Gazing at him dozily, Jack grinned. “So, that’s a yes?” He pulled David closer and pressed their lips together again.

David wished he could say it was nice, but their lips were freezing, there was snow and wind cutting at their faces and he was relatively sure that his fingers might fall off if they stayed outside for too much longer. He could not stop smiling, though, and the warmth that was growing in his chest felt like it was almost enough to thaw the rest of his body.

Jack pulled away, breathless. “Let’s get inside,” he said. Without waiting for an answer, he practically ran up the street with David in tow until they reached his dorm room.

“So, yes?” Jack asked again, tugging his jacket off as quickly as possible.

David laughed and nodded, doing the same. “Yes, a thousand times over.” He sank into Jack’s embrace and kissed him hard. It was like the final puzzle piece was falling into place. This was what he had been missing. Jack’s lips were cold from outside, but it felt incredibly right.

“I can’t believe we haven’t done this before,” Jack said as they pulled apart. His eyes were blown wide and he breathing deeply. “We’ve been missing out for so many years.”

“Tell me about it,” David agreed. He rested his forehead against Jack’s.

Jack hummed in contentment and took David’s hands tightly. “So, we’ll move in, but as boyfriends.” He grinned at the word and pulled away to look properly into David’s eyes.

“Sounds perfect.” David could not stop himself from grinning as he pulled Jack in for another kiss.

Okay so this sounds really dumb? But I literally have no clue how to write in the perspective of a gregariously extroverted character (Race) because everything is so different to what goes through my head in a social situation so please guide me if I'm doing it wrong?

Also - I'm sorry if this story feels kind of stilted? Some of the wording in here felt kind of clumsy, but I can't be bothered at the moment to correct it. (I might try to get back to it in the future but,,,, Not at the moment).  

Anyway! I hope you enjoyed this <333

[tmmyturner]

|| Get to know TIMMY TURNER who’s NINETEEN years old and a FRESHMAN in college majoring in UP TO PLAYER. He is from NEW JERSEY and is often times mistaken for TOM HOLLAND while others say she reminds them of TIMMY fromTHE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS. ||

(anxiety & bullying tw under the cut)

BACKGROUND ;;

You’re born to a world that hardly even notices you’re here. Your parents are wealthy, busy people - and while you’re given the best of everything, you’re hardly given more than fleeting moments with them where they pat you on the head on their way out of the house.

You know they love you, of course they do - at least, you believe they do. That’s what parents do, right? They love their children, even if they’re never around enough to know who their children are.

The world seems to pass you by. In school, in groups with other children, everyone seems to look over you, as though you’re not even there sometimes. You learn, even at a young age, that you’re just.. not important. As a child, your life is blank and colourless.

The one person who does pay you any attention is your babysitter - attention you would rather do without. For a few years, your only real, lasting interaction is with a girl who seems determined to make you miserable, and the borderline psychotic games she plays with you do nothing for your self esteem.

You’re too young to know what it means when your hands tremble or your chest tightens, too young to recognise the shallow breathing and spotty vision that come with panic attacks. Too young to know that the horrifying, stricken feeling you begin to have at all times is a slowly developing anxiety. You just think - this must be normal. This is the life you have to live.

And then - somehow, by some miracle (not by your grades, you pass but your grades are always below average, a result of stress and anxiety you can’t shake), you get a chance to escape. Corona feels like a new life, a new opportunity, a world away from the mediocrity you’ve always known. People see you here, they notice you, they smile and wave and introduce themselves, they offer help and advice, support you’ve never really known before.

Part of you is terrified. What if you blow it? What if you mess up every interaction, ruin every friendship before they really start? What if you end up as dull and invisible as you were before?

But the other part of you, the part that’s clutching to this opportunity like a lifeline, says go for it. You’ve been offered something you never thought you could have. A chance to be more. And you don’t want to waste it. The two sides battle often - and sometimes, anxiety wins.

But a lot of the times it loses, and the more that happens the more you discover how incredible life can actually be.

PERSONALITY ;;

Timmy’s new life in Corona offers him so much - a chance to actually live, to be noticed, to make friends and feel like he might actually matter to someone in the world, but years of neglect and invisibility still stay with him. He’s trying, he’s making friends, doing his best to make the most of a fresh start, but thanks to the life he’d lived before Corona Timmy has moderate anxiety. Every conversation, every action, every move he makes he overanalyses later, thinking about it over and over because he’s not used to anyone noticing him and now that people realise he’s there, he has no idea if he’s doing the right thing.

But he’s trying. He sees the opportunity to come to Corona as a huge chance to start over and he doesn’t want to waste it. Does he have days where he wants to hide in bed and binge something on Netflix? Yes. Definitely. And sometimes he does. But he’s doing his absolute best to push himself past that, even if it’s just as simple as getting up and going out for coffee. Trying not to let himself become invisible again - that’s one thing he’s way more terrified of than messing things up.

When it comes down to it though, he’s not actually that bad at social interactions. He’s a kind-hearted boy really, so he makes friends easily enough. He’s a little spoiled from a superficial sense - he’s never had to want for things, but he’s desperately starved for social interactions and closeness so he definitely wants to meet as many people as possible and try to make new friends more than he wants any kind of material things. He’s a little awkward and might make dumb jokes in the process of maybe trying a touch too hard, but he’s never anything but well intentioned and usually his slightly odd behaviour can just be seen as adorable dorkyness.

WANTED CONNECTIONS ;;

A best friend - someone who has essentially taken Timmy under his wing and decided to help him live his best life. Timmy has absolutely no idea why they’ve taken to him so, or what they see in him - and on some of his harder days he’ll probably ask that question, even if he tries really hard not to - but for the most part he just thinks they’re amazing and treasures their friendship very dearly. I would love for this to be someone who’s really outgoing and spontaneous, not necessarily reckless or bad but a bit of an opposite to Timmy’s personality to help pull him out of his shell. ( Mabel Pines )

Other wallflowers - people who get it! Who know what it’s like to live their lives on the sidelines or in the shadows, to not get noticed by the world. It may not be the best friendship but there are definitely times when you just need a friend who understands what it’s like to have been invisible for so long. ( 1/? ) ( Chuckie Finster )

The crush(es) - okay so it’s safe to say that, being invisible, Timmy’s high school years never really allowed for much dating. No one really noticed him enough to be interested, right? Thanks to a lack of experience I definitely feel like Timmy will have a few harmless crushes, people he thinks are really cool and gorgeous and funny and wow did you see their hair aren’t they great? Most of these are harmless and he will be really lame and dorky with his attempt at flirting but probably inevitably ends up just being friends with them, assuming they don’t think he’s too weird ( 1/3 ) ( Rapunzel )

Romantic Interest - this could develop from one of the crushes or be someone else entirely! I’d love a complete opposites attract kinda dynamic for this, I feel it would be great for Timmy to fall for someone he never would’ve expected to even like ! Could be male or female aligning - I definitely feel like Timmy doesn’t really realise his sexuality yet purely thanks to lack of experience, he just knows people are pretty

Unlikely friend - I see this as someone who probably was/is annoyed with Timmy at first, with his more timid and hesitant nature and the way he overthinks things, but somehow that develops into a friendship where they challenge him, unknowingly push him out of his comfort zone and make him try new things by poking fun at him about his nature ( 1/2 ) (Lil DeVille)

Mentor figures - not necessarily parental figures in Timmy’s mind, only because Timmy has trouble relating the idea of “parents” to “people who support him”, but older students or even adults who look out for him and help him. These people probably have a care-taking/parental kind of personality as it is and Timmy needs that, he needs some nurturing and definitely needs people he can turn to for advice when he’s hesitant or unsure, or just when he’s having bad days. (for any dc fans out there, think tim drake and dick grayson kind of dynamic) ( 1/? )

[mirrenthefan-blog]

Describing loneliness

Ok. Before I described how I feel loneliness, let me tell you the root of my loneliness.

My loneliness is usually self inflicted, stemming from a fear placed into me by my stepfather, a fear of not only rejection but also the “terms and conditions” of him saying yes to something, he can never give a flat out “yes”, there’s always a “but only if” following it, like a loyal dog. I think subconsciously I’ve stopped asking if I didn’t know that the answer was definitely going to be a yes or I was desperate, and the less I asked, the more fearful I got, the more hesitant I got, until eventually I stopped asking altogether, whether it was for help, or for a favour, usually trying (and mostly failing) to do it myself. I only asked when I knew what the answer was. But that made making friends harder, especially as I got older and more cautious and doubtful, the fear of hearing “no” or “ok, but only if...” getting bigger. So I went online, which actually really helped, I found many friends with the same interests and hobbies. But sometimes I just need a hug, someone for me to hold but also to hold me, to just let me sit with them and cry without judgement, or saying anything, just to let me cry until it’s out of my system, then try to consult and comfort me. And without the social skills nor the experience to help me, I didn’t know how to ask for that, how to ask gently, correctly, so I merely continued staying online, ignoring the world.

My loneliness is less of a drowning, or having a bucket of ice cold water splashed into my face, it’s more like a spider building its web: slow, steady, sticky, and almost impossible to break free from. It seeps into the tiniest, darkest corners of my mind and plays with my habit of overanalysing, using it to make me see things that weren’t actually true, making me assume that I knew what others thought of me and how bad those thoughts were. It goes through my memories, reshaping, and reshuffling them, using them as tools to trap me a never ending cycle of bad memories and mistakes.

Not knowing how to deal with this, I bottle it up, locking it inside me, always cleaning up the webs but never catching the spider. I keep the bottle inside, slowly filling it up. The bottle never actually explodes though, so to speak, just starts cracking. I try to keep the bottle stuck together until I’m in a safe place, but how long it takes to get to the safe place varies and I sometimes just have this cracked bottle that’s barely staying together inside of me, holding emotions for days, until I let it crack and crumble and fall apart in my safe place, at home.

[quickchangeartist]

92 Questions Tag

Tagged by: @shadowbanish (thank you! <3)

Answer the questions and tag 20 people.

Shit, uhhhhhh... I dunno about 20. That seems like a whole hell of a lot. @ammonia-jane, @manticorefruit, @pink-reindeer, @ghartokpadhome, @ashadahlen, @ashtraska, @onepartpartyonepartmachine, @happilynerevarafter, @relvinmeru, @julei-zu, @aforgottenchampion, @jerallmountains, @sonofqueen, @hardbittenhearts, @aramis-stilt0n, @snowelves, @automatomicatomaton, @dunmeritude, @sithisit, @chameleonspell HEY WE DID IT (Disregard if you want, tho, cos this is a lot of questions and all)

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Tea, with a lot of sugar and milk. 2. Phone call: @ammonia-jane, actually, because I’d missed the bus and made myself late.  3. Text message: “A miserable pile of secrets.”  4. Song you listened to: “Maker Of My Sorrow” by Eliza Rickman 5. Time you cried: Probably yesterday morning, or the night before.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Like, gone on two dates or dated them, broke up, then dated them again? Either way, yes. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Oh man, yeah. Many people I’ve kissed have not been good at it, regardless. 8. Been cheated on: Yeeeeeaahh actually that sort of happens a lot? I often wonder about that, and whether that’s why I just plain don’t much mind being fucked around on, maybe I just see it as a natural consequence. Or maybe I’m just poly and I shouldn’t overanalyse the whys so much. 9. Lost someone special: Yeah. 10. Been depressed: Bruh. Come on, now. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Lol. Yeah. LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Red 13. Black 14. That sort of deep reddish purple that you only get on certain kinds of plum at very precise times of the year. IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yeah! I’m really bad at keeping them, though. 16. Fallen out of love: Nope! 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Nah. Either they cover shit up properly, or I’m just not that interesting to talk about. Also, I’m pretty obtuse to be fair. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not in the last year, but they’re still around?20. Found out who your friends are: I wasn’t in doubt? Damn, some of you must have much more drama-filled lives than I do. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Idk? Probably. I think I gave @manticorefruit a smooch on their hat the other week. I kissed Voltaire after a concert a month or two back.

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I don’t really know? Probably not more than half, though. 24. Do you want to change your name: I planned to change to my current name, Daniel, for the duration of transitioning, then change to Casimir once my surgery was done with. Then a friend of mine turns up with a Friendship Tattoo with ‘Daniel’ right there on his forearm and I’m just like. Welp.  25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I hung out at my mate’s place and drank gin and ate a delicious earl grey-flavored cake with “Happy fuckin’ Birthday aye” written on it in purple icing. That cake lasted for two weeks, it was enormous. 26. What time did you wake up: It should be 7am, lately it’s between 10am and 1pm because life is a series of mistakes. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Probably something unspeakable. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: For @ammonia-jane to go to Texas so she can come back. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: She’s literally right here. My cat is sitting on her and she’s reading my old report cards from school 20 years ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Oh my fucking gods, where to fucking begin... How about I go back to being 17 and happy and not yet so crushingly mentally ill. That or give me $100,000. 31. What are you listening right now: My cat purring, also “The Wayward Wife” by The Merry Wives Of Windsor. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ...Shit, I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t?? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My real estate agent hasn’t returned my emails OR my calls in going on a month now, despite sticking a demolition application notice on my damn lawn in the dark of night. Shitweasels. 34. Most visited Website: If not Tumblr, then probably UESP. LOST QUESTIONS 35. Mole/s: I think there’s one on the back of my neck maybe, and there’s one on the underside of one forearm. 36. Mark/s: Like... A bunch. Scar across my shoulder, scars all over my fingers and hands, big scar on my left thigh, nick on one wrist and between two knuckles on one hand I’ve had as long as I can remember, big flat scar on the sole of one foot, freckles on my shoulders (the ones on my face and forearms faded a lot when I became a Basement Goblin but the ones on my shoulders were from a SEVERE sunburn so I figure they’re there to stay), my stretchmarks are invisible now but holy fuck am I still super self-conscious about them, etc etc etc. 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a vet surgeon so much. 38. Haircolour: Right now? Henna-dyed red, it’s sort of brick-red now. 39. Long or short hair: I have a mohawk that’s long enough to reach the small of my back. So... Both? 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Sure <3 41. What do you like about yourself: My hands are pretty and I can do lots of things with them, like blacksmithing and carpentry and rude gestures. 43. Bloodtype: I THINK it’s O-? I can’t remember right now. It’s on some paperwork somewhere around here. 44. Nickname: Dan No, Dan Pls, Dan Would You Just Stop 45. Relationship status: I think they’re both going pretty well? 46. Zodiac: Aries  47. Pronouns: Neither He/Him/His or They/Them/Theirs feels ‘right’ but because English is a woeful pain in the ass, I’ll accept either of those. 48. Favourite TV Show: Right now it’s American Gods. 49. Tattoos: SOON. Once I get a new spot to live sorted out, I got some promises to keep. 50. Right or left hand: Right. 51. Surgery: Broken wrist, had a chunk carved out of my foot, had my thigh cauterised shut because I kept tearing the stitches and I decided I didn’t care. Had some bits and pieces extracted. Had broken tooth bits fished out of my jaw. At some point in the future there’ll be major chest surgery. 52. Hair dyed in different colour: SO MANY. I had to cool it with that once I started getting scared of my hair falling out. I used to be Billy Idol peroxide-white, though, I think that was the worst for it. 53. Sport: I don’t sport? I like watching Swordcraft battles. I think that’s a sport. 55. Vacation: The Murray River, up around Sunraysia, about 12km downriver from Loch 11. Not that I’ve thought about it at all. 56. Pair of trainers: I don’t know if I have any, actually. I wear my boots to death, though, they need resoling now I’ve ground the heels hollow again. MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Right now? Kabana and some baked beans. Whatever I could find in the kitchen. 58. Drinking: Cheap coke. 59. I’m about to: Write something, I hope, if my brain stays still. 61. Waiting for: Word back about the last rental lease we applied for. 62. Want: Not gonna lie, I would pay $50 for someone to come lie in bed with me and tell me it’s gonna be okay while we spoon and watch American Gods. 63. Get married: Afraid I can’t. Australia’s fun like that. 64. Career: *distant, bitter laughter* WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the person. It’s hard to screw up a hug, though. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Depends on what I intend to do with them 68. Older or younger: Older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I have such a weird envy thing for good shoulders. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive, because holy shit I am all nervous all the time and loud is bad for me 72. Hook up or relationship: Hmmm. I mean, both have their pros and cons. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I am naturally really cautious, so hesitant, I guess. HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: Yep 75. Drank hard liquor: Yessir. I got a bottle of gin beside my chair at all times, lately. Beautiful Tanqueray. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I don’t have either, though I probABLY REALLY SHOULD 77. Turned someone down: Yeah, it was so awkward. Poor thing, really. 78. Sex in the first date: Why wouldn’t I? 79. Broken someone’s heart: Ayyeh... Yeah, pretty often. I’m kind of garbage. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes. 81. Been arrested: No! A low bar, I know, but something I’m proud of. 82. Cried when someone died: Still doing it, now and then. 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Hah. I believe that other people believe in me and I don’t want to disappoint them, how’s that? 85. Miracles: In a way. I don’t think of them as miracles, though. 86. Love at first sight: Not the kind of love that ought to last. 87. Santa Claus: Nah 88. Kiss on the first date: Hell yeah smooches. 89. Angels: How christian-specific of you. OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: I always hated the idea that asking that question was normal and acceptable. Just makes other friends feel inadequate. 91. Eyecolour: Blue-grey, there’s a bit of brownish-gold around the middle I got from my mother. 92. Favourite movie: The Man Who Fell To Earth. It makes me cry a lot. Or Showgirls, because I cannot watch it without laughing, it’s a trainwreck that never stops giving.

[right-across-the-moonlit-hall]

My Paralysis Prison. Part 1

I’m gonna try doing a series of essays to BRING DOWN THE WALLS of my mental prison.

For the majority of my adult life my mind seems to be in a state of paralysis. And I’m not talking about my brain fog right now, which is a huge issue, but an another issue entirely, but rather about my hesitation to accomplish things and leave my mark on the world. I set my own limits on a subconscious level, and I set them so that I dare not even to peek beyond them. I think there are actually several reasons to this state in my case, but I’m not ready yet to pinpoint all of them and deal with them accordingly. But it’s time to tackle one of them. The best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten I got from bill wurtz a while ago. He said, ‘find the origin of the prison and why it was built.’ So let’s fucking get on with it!

Sometime ago I read an insightful article on INFPs (and INTPs too, I think.) The gist of it was that these types are overthinkers and they are obsessed with identities and archetypes. It makes them embark on an epic journey of self-discovery but they are never satisfied and it only leaves them more miserable. Why? Because they always strive to be a perfect form, a final installment of themselves. Until they pinpoint exactly who they are and what their place in the world is, they are not perfect, therefore unworthy. Like without this precious knowledge they lack the modus operandi necessary to interact with the world and to create. Very often they spend all their time and energy on their endless quest to the ultimate self-knowledge to the detriment of everything else.

Boy, did this article hit home. Like, intellectually I know that people are not perfect and personalities are in large ever evolving and everything about ourselves is in motion, but in my heart? In my heart only one question matters: Who am I? Every time it’s asked, I have to genuinely answer: I have no fucking clue whatsoever. And the voice in my head is essentially like: You don’t possess the knowledge of your identity, therefore you are nothing.

I honestly only just now, as I type this, realised: this shit is fucked up. Why do I need words, labels, archetypes, boxes to feel final and perfect? If such thing even existed one day, the next day it wouldn’t be as relevant anyway, so why even bother? WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH? There’s nothing final and perfect about humans, and that’s what makes us so fucking human. I wish my subconscious would understand this. We are not machines. [Insert ‘The Great Dictator’ speech here]

What happened between the time I read this article and now to prompt me to write this wall of text? I felt myself changing. I gained more self-awareness. I opened my heart to uncertainty. I realised that it’s possible to embrace my spirituality even as I’m questioning it each day. I changed my mind about my racial identity, something that I never saw happening before. Going from ‘nunya business’ to 'hapa’ really drove home the evolving nature of the consciousness for me. You can never fucking say what’s gonna happen next even inside your own head, so why even try overanalysing and cataloguing this shit to the detriment of actually getting stuff done? Ain’t nobody gonna live my life for me, amirite.

I am so ready to bring down this wall! BAM!!

[sidere19-writes]

maybe we are a love for another time (1/1)

Rating: T

Pairing: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn

Word Count: 2,786

Summary:

She didn’t ask for anything of this. She didn’t ask for Raelle to barge in like this and just start rummaging through her heart and stirring everything up. Old scars, bitter memories, revolting secrets, distant feelings that she thought she had long buried and forgotten, they are suddenly creeping up on her all at once, weighing down on her chest and making her unable to breathe.

[This takes place right after episode 4; Scylla’s POV]

Read below or on AO3.

*

It’s probably past midnight. Scylla thinks, half-heartedly as she glances out the window at the darkened starless sky. She hasn’t been keeping track of time.

Raelle came over to her room after her training. The real Raelle this time. She could tell the blonde was pretty worn out, so she dragged her onto her small bed and forced her to take a nap. She must have fallen asleep herself shortly after as well and she has no idea how long they have slept. They’ve just woken up about ten minutes ago, all tangled up in each other’s arms. It was cosy and warm and neither of them felt like moving. So they just decided to stay that way and keep cuddling for a little while longer, before Raelle has to go back.

She listens to Raelle talk about her training today and plays with her fingers absently. Her ears prick up when Raelle mentions the Bellweather wedding happening next week and she knows she should be saying something right now, getting herself invited as well. But she just feels too exhausted to bring herself to do it. Her throat is still burning, throbbing with every breath she takes. She grimaces a little and shifts uncomfortably in the bed, which catches Raelle’s attention.

“Scyl, are you okay?”

She looks up and meets Raelle’s worried gaze. She offers her a placid smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired from training I guess…”

Rolling off her tongue, the words taste like blood. She can’t tell if it’s because of the strangulation earlier or because it was just another stupid lie she had to tell.

She hears Raelle ask her if there’s anything she can do to make her feel better. And in that moment, it would be so easy to just make up some excuse and let Raelle heal her. The pain will be gone in a blink of an eye as if it had never happened. The unctuous lines are already there, jumping up and down impatiently on the tip of her tongue, tempting her in an almost derisive way. She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “No really, I’m fine. Can we just cuddle?” She says, snuggling up against Raelle’s side and closes her eyes.

Secretly, she doesn’t really want the pain to go away. She needs to feel it. She tells herself. It’s a reminder, of why she’s here, and why she’s doing all of this.

She has been living two entirely opposite existences lately. Two separate versions of her life. She has the ability to strut in between them effortlessly as if moving through a door. But she had been a little carried away. She admits. She’s stayed in Raelle’s world way longer than she should have. It’s just something that sort of happened. She doesn’t know why. And she doesn’t want to know why. It was dangerous and addictive. It made her forget about the Spree completely, until she almost got strangled to death by one of them this afternoon.

She thinks back to that moment, thinks back to the way her chest burned while her lung desperately tried to gasp for air. She can almost still feel the brutal pressure closing around her neck and she swallows hard. She felt powerless and she hates feeling like that. As she replays the moment in her head, she feels something else too, lurking in the back of her mind. She can’t describe it, but it’s something too close to dread for her liking.

She knits her brows together and shakes her head imperceptibly to get rid of all these overanalysing thoughts. She has no interest whatsoever in discovering something she does not want to know of herself today.

*

Scylla doesn’t get scared easily.

Back in the day, when she first met Porter, he took her to see a horror movie and she basically laughed her way through the whole thing while he got jump-scared twice. When they walked out of the movie theatre, Porter asked her to be his girlfriend. He sounded awkward and a little embarrassed. In response, she just laughed again, leaned in to place a kiss on his cheek and said yes.

She wasn’t particularly attracted to him. In fact, she found him dull and a bit annoying at times. She only agreed to be with him because she was bored. And because she enjoyed that sense of control, having him wrapped around her finger, knowing he would do literally anything just to please her.

Porter told her that he loved her for the first time three weeks after. During his whole speech, she just stared him with an inexpressive frown, as if he just ruined a perfectly iced cake. She didn’t believe him, and she didn’t love him, so she said nothing back.

She has never believed herself fit to love any person, or to be loved by any person. That’s just not who she is. Love is for the weak. So is fear. And she is anything but weak.

She’s selfish, calculating, and vengeful. She uses people. Manipulates and exploits them, all to get what she wants. And she couldn’t care less about what happens to them afterwards. To her, they are just pawns, a means to an end. Irrelevances that can be discarded once she’s done with them.

She’s cruel and ruthless. And a small part of her takes pride in that. That’s how she always gets the job done. No attachment, no sympathy, no conscience. That’s why the Spree chose her in the first place.

They reached out to her after her parents were killed. She jumped on board immediately without a second thought. She knows the Spree are using her. She’s not stupid. But she decided to let it slide given they have one common enemy. So in some sense, she was also using them to get her own revenge. Besides, being with the Spree also gave her a small sense of purpose. There was always this nefarious thrill that ran down her spine after every successful mission, and it made her think she was finally doing something meaningful, that she was serving justice in her own way. Because the military certainly has nothing to do with justice, let alone other civilian systems. So as always, she has to take matters into her own hands.

She had always believed that. Sure, about her purpose. Everything she had done for the Spree, she was doing it for her parents, for all those innocent witches that lost their lives over nothing or those who were brutally murdered by the system.

However, lately her belief started to falter a little. And she’s not feeling so sure as she used to be. Her mind started to wander off to Raelle more often than it should. She finds herself wondering why the Spree are so interested in Raelle? What could they possibly want from her? And she worries, about what they would do to her once they have her.

She thinks about a lot of other things about Raelle too. About how much she looks forward to spending time with Raelle, and how much she likes her. She never knew it was possible to like someone this much.

She likes the terrible jokes that Raelle always blurts out. They make her laugh every time for some weird reason, even though she hasn’t had genuine laughs like this in years. She likes the playful glint that twinkles in Raelle’s eyes and the smug smirk on her lips every time she teases her. And she likes the fond and tender smile Raelle always beams at her, the dazzling and melting smile that only seems to be reserved for her.

She likes the butterflies that dance wildly in her stomach when Raelle calls her ‘beautiful’, the fluttering of her heart when she feels Raelle’s adoring gaze on her, and the warmth that flows through her body when Raelle pulls her into her arms and whispers soft words into her ear.

She likes the intimacy. And the vulnerability that comes with it too. She likes how Raelle always smiles into their kisses, how she just spontaneously picks up her hand and places a kiss on the back of it. She likes the gentle and confident way Raelle pins her against the wall and kisses her, the delicacy when she brushes her hair back and trails small kisses along her neck, and the vertiginous, light-headed feeling that comes over her every time Raelle touches her.

She always gets mad at herself after she catches her thoughts drift to Raelle unconsciously. It infuriates and frustrates her. Because she shouldn’t be thinking about her and having all these warm and fuzzy feelings inside. She shouldn’t be feeling anything. It makes no sense. To her, Raelle should just be a mission. After she delivers her to the Spree, she is supposed to forget about her and move on to the next mission. Like she always does.

But she finds herself feeling rather reluctant to do that. She started to stall her weekly reports to the Spree as much as she can. She started to have this twisted and conflicted feeling in her stomach every time she had to tell a lie. And sometimes, when she talks to Raelle, she couldn’t look at her. She feels like as if she is standing on the edge of a precipice, about to fall to her death. It gives her a queasy feeling and she can’t tell if it’s from excitement or dread or panic. And she’s just stuck in that perilous position, restless and waiting for Raelle to tell her what she should do. If Raelle tells her to jump, she would jump without any hesitation and even be glad that she’s dead. If Raelle asks her to stay and come with her, she would immediately leave everything behind and follow her, even if she has no idea where Raelle is going.

Is this what falling in love feels like?

She shudders involuntarily at this thought.

It’s terrifying. And she didn’t ask for anything of this. She didn’t ask for Raelle to barge in like this and just start rummaging through her heart and stirring everything up. Old scars, bitter memories, revolting secrets, distant feelings that she thought she had long buried and forgotten, they are suddenly creeping up on her all at once, weighing down on her chest and making her unable to breathe. All the emotions that she had snuffed off before, emotions like guilt, remorse, shame, compassion, affection and love, they all come rushing back to her ferociously, fighting over her attention. But they are all tangled up together that she can’t possibly tell them apart anymore. So she pushes them all down. Because she doesn’t know what else to do with them.

She starts thinking about what Raelle said to her in the garden after Beltane. No one had ever said anything like that to her. She replays that moment in her mind over and over, as though to test herself, to see if she remembers every detail. She does. She never wants to forget it. She remembers the crashing wave of dolorous exhilaration that swept over her body vividly. Rapturous yet excruciating, it almost brought her to tears. All her life, she’d never felt so close to someone, and yet at the same time, so far away. She rested her forehead against Raelle’s, feeling their breaths mingle perfectly and for a few seconds, she avoided meeting Raelle’s eye, wanting to let herself stay in that ephemeral bubble for just a little bit longer. She knew once she looked at Raelle, she would know those beautiful words wouldn’t hold. Those striking yet soft blue eyes would never look at her the same way as they used to, if Raelle found out who she was, who she is, and the things she did.

And when it comes to that day, what would she find in those eyes instead then? What would the fervent affection and intoxicating softness that she has grown so used to seeing be replaced with? She wonders. Betrayal, anger, disdain, hate, disgust? Probably all of them. She clenches her jaw and scoffs at herself. Or worse, she thinks, it could just be nothing. It could just be complete blank, as if Scylla Ramshorn has never meant anything to her at all.

She doesn’t think she can take it. It’s unbearable just thinking about it right now. But she knows it is inevitable. She has to stop deluding herself, thinking that she still has a choice. That there would be an alternative, where they can run away together, leave all this behind and start completely afresh. She knows it’s just some ludicrous fantasy. She’s trapped. There’s no clean way out. No painless escape. And she’s never had a chance. This whole thing was doomed to have a tragic ending before it even began. What they have, or had will soon be shattered mercilessly into a million pieces with no possible way to pick them back up again. And she knows it’s already long overdue.

It’s okay. She tells herself. She doesn’t deserve Raelle anyway. Raelle should be with someone full of light, someone who’s everything Scylla’s not. Because Raelle has such a good heart. She’s honest, brave, loyal, and full of love and compassion, even though she always tries to put up a tough façade of indifference and cynicism. And Scylla, on the other hand, reeks of deceit, corruption, malevolence, destruction, and death. She’s a terrible person. She knows. And she had never cared enough to do anything about it. Why would she bother? She never cared about what others thought of her. She had always been alone and she didn’t need anyone. Pretty soon, she’ll go back to her old life and in that life, she won’t be needing anyone anymore.

She’s beyond redemption, she knows, even if she tries. It’s already too late for her. There’s no way anyone could ever forgive the things she’s done. Once her cover is blown, there would be no place for her in the military, let alone at Raelle’s side. But she thinks Raelle will be fine without her. She still has her unit. She can tell Abigail and Tally care for Raelle very much. They will take good care of her.

As for her, there’s not much she can do right now, other than to seize as many stolen moments with Raelle as she can, while waiting for the day she implacably becomes the calamitous cause of Raelle’s heartbreak and pain.

*

“What are you thinking?”

Raelle’s voice breaks Scylla out of her thoughts.

“Nothing.” Scylla hums, her eyes flicking back up to meet those soft baby blues. She’s really glad that the room is dark now so Raelle can’t make out the tears that formed behind her eyes. “Just you.”

Raelle scrunches up her nose slightly, which Scylla thinks is the most adorable thing ever, and leans in for a kiss. She pulls back and gazes at Scylla intently, before lifting her hand and tucking a loose strand of hair behind Scylla’s ear. “You look tired. Should I go and let you get some rest?” She says, drawing away and starting to get up.

“No.” Scylla reaches out and stops Raelle from moving away. “Stay.”

“Are you sure? Cause the bed’s pretty small, I doubt you’ll sleep very well with me—”

“I like when you are here.” She cuts off Raelle’s cute rambling and looks at her with a small pout, ignoring the churning feeling in her stomach. “Please stay?”

“Okay. Of course.” Raelle smiles, leaning down again and captures her lips with her own in a long and slow kiss. Scylla’s heart swells as she feels Raelle’s lips curve up against hers just before they break apart. She can’t help but chase Raelle’s mouth and gives her one more peck, before lying back down and nuzzling into Raelle’s embrace.

She buries her face into the crook of Raelle’s neck and snuggles closer to her, as if fearing the blonde will suddenly disappear into the air if she lets go. She feels Raelle’s arms tighten around her, and she smiles when she feels a gentle kiss being pressed to the top of her head. She shuts her eyes.

She’ll worry about everything tomorrow. She thinks, as she slowly drifts off to sleep, the steady and comforting sound of Raelle’s breathing in her ears. She’ll deal with all the chaos and storms tomorrow. For now, she just wants to forget everything. No agenda, no subterfuge, no disguise. She just wants to exist in Raelle’s arms, while the rest of the world falls soundlessly away around them.