#never have i understood this discourse i fear

[darcyolsson]

pride month is so fun to me because it means i get to see three hundred angry posts about whether cishet ppl should be allowed or kept out of pride written with the tone of that being a real problem that exists when you go outside into the world

[sodomit]

TRANSUNITY

Transunity is a political theory that was actively talked about on Tumblr a couple of years ago, but has since fallen out of the public spotlight. And this is unfortunate, because it could have really improved a lot of the discourse around gender.

There exists a blog under that name ( @transunity ), but it has been inactive for a year. I am not affiliated with that blog anyhow, I never had any personal contacts with its mods, but I want to get their general ideas to circulate again, so I'm trying to bring this back up in a semi organized fashion. My take on transunity is just my take, if you're one of the original coiners, and you disagree, I encourage you to talk about it, because we still have much more in common with each other than different.

GENERAL VIEWS

I believe that one of the fundamental ideas more trans people need to understand is that we're all more or less in the same place in the eyes of the society (when other factors, such as ethnicity or disability, are considered). To be trans is to fail the gender role system, from the point of view of cis people we can no longer be proper men or women. All kinds of trans people regardless of identity are affected by misogyny and misandry (not a type of marginalization by itself, but turns into a vector of oppression when overlapping with a different marginalization), which forms the foundation of transmisogyny, transandrophobia, and exorsexism*. These types of bigotry are not exclusive and unique to specific gender identities either and may be applied to any trans person for as long as it's convenient to the oppressor.

Trans people do not have gendered power over each other, and intra community bigotry is better conceptualized as a form of lateral aggression.

Gender assignment and sex are never strictly binary (especially with inclusion of intersex people, who belong in gender conversations even if they don't identify as trans) and need to be understood as much more fluid and not strictly correlating with one's actual position in life.

WHAT WE NEED TO REDUCE

The following things should be discussed more critically:

- "Powerjacketing" - implying someone has gendered privilege as a means of delegitimizing their words, while in reality they do not have this privilege;

- Malgendering - forcing trans people to choose between being gendered correctly and speaking up about their mistreatment (e.g. questioning trans women's womanhood on the basis of them aggressively defending themselves or trans men's manhood on the basis of them asking for help) or implying there's something wrong with them in a way that reinforces gender stereotypes;

- Assuming that some trans people are exempt from some forms of oppression on the basis of gender assignment/sex (e.g. by calling all trans people who were assigned female "tme"** or claiming trans people who were assigned male are inherently incapable of understanding fear of sexual assault);

- Assuming that oppression of trans people is rooted in gender assignment/sex (such as, calling reproductive oppression "sex based oppression"***);

- Gatekeeping certain identities, such as "transmasc", "transbian", "femboy" as exclusive to any gender assignment/sex;

- Creating a duality out of "transsexual" and "cissexual", where not medically transitioning trans people are assumed to have some kind of a gendered privilege, or to not be trans in any meaningful material way. Various transmed ideas about dysphoria and transition go there too;

- Accusing trans people who take inspiration from each other of appropriation (trans headcanons, kinks, drag culture, etc).

SYMBOL

The following image is the official transunity symbol developed by the original transunity bloggers. Sorry about the glitch effect, I wasn't able to find one without it.

* Transmisogyny, transandrophobia, and exorsexism are not exclusive to specific identities, although they do primarily target traits associated with these identities. They can be conceptualized as bigotry and oppression towards people who are recognized as incorrectly entering respectively womanhood, manhood, and a status beyond gender binary (for the latter no normative form exists****). However, it's not wrong to use them to mean "oppression of trans women" and so forth, for as long as you're not claiming it's exclusive.

** Labels like "tma" and "tme" still may be used, but solely in a self assigned manner. I believe that an individual trans person is capable of evaluating whether they're affected by transmisogyny and in what way, and they should be trusted on this. However, no gender assignment and no current gender identity makes anyone inherently tme.

*** "Sex based oppression" instead of "reproductive oppression" reinforces the idea that people who share a specific body part (e.g. an uterus in context of conversations about abortion) are inherently of the same sex. This type of essentialism is desperately needed by terfs in this discussion, as they're trying to sell the ideas of "sex based oppression" and "sex based privilege" to people they want to recruit in their ideology. Invoking the idea of "sex" as something trans men and some nonbinary people are oppressed through is not the correct way to respond to people who say we don't experience any gendered violence besides "just transphobia", it has shitty implications and helps shitty people.

**** Lack of existence of normative nonbinary gender does not mean that these genders are not recognized by the society as a deviant, marginalized identity, and that binary people cannot be pushed into this zone.

[hyperlexichypatia]

One time, when I was younger, I had an unpleasant encounter with an (apparently neurotypical) older man who wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

Now, I was fine. But I was scared.

Not so much because I was afraid the man would come after me -- although given the statistics around violence against women who refuse men's advances, that would be an entirely reasonable fear -- but because I was afraid that someone would find out what had happened.

Because, you see, if someone found out that I had been assaulted, I would be a Vulnerable Young Girl.

And the thing about being a Vulnerable Young Girl is that it doesn't matter if you said "yes" or "no."

It's not necessarily that people would have sided with my assailant -- this is a different flavor of rape culture. Most people would have agreed that what my assailant did was wrong. But they would have considered it equally wrong -- maybe more wrong -- if he were my chosen, consensual boyfriend I actively wanted to be with.

Because his crime was not disregarding my "no" and violating my bodily autonomy. His crime was Taking Advantage of a Vulnerable Young Girl. Preying on a Vulnerable Young Girl. Corrupting a Vulnerable Young Girl.

If you're a Vulnerable Young Girl, you don't have the right to say "yes," which means you don't really meaningfully have the right to say "no" either. You need to be Protected, and, of course, you don't have the right to say "no" to that, either.

And, look, once again, I was fine. I'm making the specific assault sound worse than it was. That's not the point. I wouldn't mention it at all, except that The Discourse is such that if you don't disclose a relevant personal experience, you're assumed to Not Care About Real People. But I am not alone in this.

I've heard multiple instances of the specific scenario "I was assaulted in college but I didn't report it because my parents would have made me leave school." Or "I was date raped and didn't report it because then my family would have never let me go out again." Or "I'm a psychiatric survivor and if I reported being assaulted I'd be put back into treatment."

These are real things I've heard or read assault victims say.

Framing assault victims as Vulnerable Young Girls actively discourages victims from reporting assaults.

Yet the people who use this framing seem to think it's somehow necessary to get assaults taken seriously, even though it does the opposite.

Feminists largely understand this when it's in the context of purity culture. When people say, "In purity culture, it doesn't matter if you say 'yes' or 'no,' sexual assault and consensual sex are considered equally bad, and that underlying premise minimizes the actual wrongdoing of sexual assault, discourages assault victims from reporting their assaults, and allows assailants to get away with their crimes," this is understood as a problem.

But the Vulnerable Young Girls framing comes from self-identified feminists. Who think they're helping. In the name of feminism and justice. They don't understand why being framed as a Vulnerable Young Girl would make a woman reluctant to come forward, because the coercive control she would be subjected to "isn't punishment". They're seemingly baffled by why young and/or disabled women don't want to be framed as Vulnerable Young Girls, even if they've been assaulted. Especially if they've been assaulted. Why are you so offended when we say that your wishes for your own body don't matter?

And... why? Why is this framing necessary? What is the purpose? What is the benefit?

If you hear about someone committing sexual assault against a young and/or disabled woman -- without her consent, against her will, disregarding her "no" -- what, exactly, are you trying to accomplish by jumping in and saying "Even if she said yes, that's still predatory! He's still Taking Advantage of a Vulnerable Young Girl!"?

What is the purpose of saying that?

If a young and/or disabled woman chooses a sexual and/or romantic relationship that you think is "bad for her," and you proclaim "Just because she agreed to it doesn't make it okay! It's still wrong!" -- well, I vehemently disagree with you, but at least you're responding to the actual situation that exists.

But if you hear about an assault, against the victim's will, without her consent, and feel the need to denounce the counterfactual scenario in which it was a consensual encounter... what are you even trying to accomplish? Is the sole purpose just to convey to the victims (and any other assault survivors and/or young and/or disabled women in the vicinity) "I need to make it unambiguously clear that my objection to this assault has nothing to do with the violation of your bodily autonomy. I actively do not care about that."?

[doberbutts]

What I never understood is like... I thought we all agreed that past trauma doesn't justify abusive behavior, and that intent isn't as important as impact. So when the people who say stuff like "I hate all men" and "All men are trash" try to justify that by saying that they've been traumatized by men, I really can't get behind that reasoning? I mean, I can empathize with wanting to vent about past abuse, but I just don't think it's ever cool to generalize entire groups of people in the process. If a man was abused by his mom and started going off about how much he hates all women, we'd tell him to go to therapy. It's just so blatant to me that they want to avoid seeing the impact their words have on the people around them & they don't want to see how their man-hate interacts with racism, ableism, transphobia, etc etc.

Anyway, thanks a bunch for speaking on this! While I have not read Bell Hooks myself, I agree with all the snippets I've read through Tumblr, and I'll be looking up The Will To Change during my next library visit so I can become officially acquainted with her work. Thank you for leading me in that direction, and thank you for making such thoughtful, informative posts. You're a delight, and I hope you have a lovely week.

I think as well that often times people confuse venting- which is good and even therapeutic- with political and/or actionable discourse.

Person who was attacked, assaulted, and now traumatized by men talking about how they have an inherent distrust of men and at times wish they could live in a world without men is speaking from the darkest place of their fear and is working through their trauma.

Person who then takes these opinions and turns them into actual theory and pushes for this to become the new social norm, however, is no longer venting nor are they acting in a therapeutic manner. This is where it begins to harm people, and thus where it begins to be a problem.

There's been people- feminists, even- a lot smarter than me who have discussed at length the difference between the two. How we need to make space for one, but need to ensure the other is not being used as a bludgeon to harm those who just happen to be in the same demographic.

[sukinapan]

teenage edgy atheist me would be SO mad at me being into religious symbols and concepts now lmao

i've been thinking a lot about how religion affected me deeply despite my family never being particularly insistent on it... like most people in my circles, i grew up as watered-down catholic. nobody was going to church or reading the bible, but we'd go to people's babies' baptisms, I'd chant a guardian angel prayer my grandma taught me every night, and despite my school being secular, we had an optional "religion" (catholic) period in elementary which most of our parents signed us up for.

i've heard horror stories from people who went to actually religious schools, run by nuns or priests, but this was different. my impression is that the school system never took this religion class too seriously, so there wasn't really a specific curriculum to be followed. the teachers would rotate constantly, and there was 0 consistency to the kind of activities we did. we'd dance and sing songs and play games, and then a teacher would pull a written test out of nowhere. the result being i was never properly explained the basics of it.

i was born catholic by default so i had to somehow know what a sin was already (the word sin in spanish sounds almost like "fish": pecado and pescado, so i spent YEARS believing "sinner" was some sort of fisherman metaphor), i never understood what use jesus's death had or why pilatus "washed his hands". i knew adam and eve were not supposed to be taken as real but then why was the rest of the bible? i was immersed into this strange lore that i couldn't make sense of and nobody was interested in explaining it in detail.

the only devout person i knew was my grandma. she was never the hateful discourse type nor did she go around spouting lore that would help me understand. like many women she was just very devoted to a benevolent god and to the virgin mary as a mother figure (i remember a prayer saying "mary, mother of god" and i was confused af since hadn't god created her?).

i'm not entirely sure where my fear came from. i remember my mom just once or twice mentioning god, she was probably just annoyed at me, and said god was going to punish me for whatever i was doing. and i took that SO seriously. i'd also always assumed hell was some sort of temporary place where you just had to repent for a while. i mentioned it once in the car and my dad calmly clarified that no, hell was forever. i was devastated. i became convinced that i was somehow evil and used to picture a scene in my mind where a cartoonish devil would appear in my room at night to take me to hell with him.

i eventually grew out of this, thankfully. we had our first communion ritual through the school, i realized it made 0 sense to me and became an edgelord atheist at 11, to my poor grandma's dismay. but i think the fear and the guilt and this idea of being constantly watched and judged still traumatized me a little. years after i'd stopped believing, i continued to whisper "sorry" to the air after doing something wrong.

but my whole point with this, i guess, is that i've found a new appreciation for my experience with religion. i still have a poor opinion of most it, but there's many elements i'm starting to enjoy thinking about. especially the ones pertaining to latin american syncretism, like the focus on the mother figure amidst absent fathers (i guess you could say god is latam's absent father too), loved ones becoming angels that stay around and look out for you, or miracles sprouting from tragedy. i'm also very tormented by death and it's somehow so comforting to make art about it. i really look forward to continue using these elements in the future🧸ྀི໒꒱⋆

[kitsune-pop]

i have feelings about b-127 from transformers one

(also spoilers for the movie)

I've seen plenty of discourse around b, we all have. "he's annoying and cringe!" "he ruins the movie!!" etc. I'm not here to talk about your personal preference in comedic relief. I want to talk about b in a way I haven't seen anyone do before (and if someone has tag me I wanna discuss things!)

tfo is pretty clearly a story about disenfranchised workers reclaiming their rights and autonomy. fairly cut and dry. orion and d-16 have different ideas on how to enact change, plot moves forward. but b does stand out amongst the cast as the only one who isn't completely destroyed by the revelation of sentinel's betrayal, nor does he go through a radical personality change like Orion, d-16 or even elita. he stays his lovable self

why is that?

b admits himself that he got reassigned to burn pit duty. he plays it off, but it's made abundantly clear that he's unhappy. his work station is treated like a dungeon, and it very well may be! they had to climb up 50 levels of trash just to get out! which begs the question; did they have to sneak past 49 other trash watchers? or did the other ones just ignore them?

are the sublevels only for the ones the enforcers don't like or have any use for?

I'm going to pivot to talk about myself and my experiences. (we'll get back to b in a sec) I am very neurodivergent. autism, ADHD, cptsd and likely others that I haven't figured out yet. it's hard for me to keep a job. whether it's overstimulation, rude customers callous or abusive management, I lose my job a lot

I've never once quit

every time I've been fired, it's come out of the blue. no warnings, no talk about "how to improve your performance." just walk in, walk out an hour later unemployed. and it's always over something that I have no real control over. and it's because I'm neurodivergent. I know it is. I'm loud, make obnoxious jokes, talk too much, pretty much everything b does

and I'm punished for it

it's always the same way; they find some way to shove me out of sight. I'm certainly not an amazing worker, but I follow the rules and make sure all my work is done before I clock out. I'm worth more to keep than to train a new person. so I'm sent to a department that no one goes to. or I get locked into a night shift that takes over a year for me to escape from only after the manager who put me there quit. I'm not stupid, I know why. I'm off-putting to neurotypical people. so I clam up, shut down, become an automaton for whatever company I work for

and it doesn't matter

my managers always find some mundane thing I did wrong literally months in the past and use it as an excuse to fire me. it's happened three separate times and I can even see my current managers gearing up to do the same thing

I'm b, and b is me

he represents the coworker you don't like, the obnoxious neighbor who's too nosy, the friend of a friend who tries way too hard to be funny. he's the guy who you shove in a corner and forget about and he deserves freedom and autonomy too

I deserve freedom and autonomy

we all deserve it, it is our right as human beings to not be viewed as pieces of a machine to be shattered beyond repair and replaced when necessary. regardless of whether or not you enjoy spending your personal time around me. Orion and d are both unsettled by b, but quickly realize that he just wants to have real, not garbage (literally) friends. and then they realize that, yeah he's annoying, but he's kind, big hearted and just an overall sweet guy

I wish someone felt that way about me when they see me so disassociated at my job I can barely register the words they're saying to me

I wish a single one of my previous managers understood that about me

I wish I didn't live in constant fear that my apartment, my cats and my food weren't all at risk just because someone doesn't like my vibe

is it any wonder why they stood up and fought for themselves? is it any wonder that d became Megatron when he realized that his superiors viewed him and all his protocol following glory as nothing more than trash to be pushed around? is it any wonder how angry he got when he realized he was a single simple mistake from being forgotten?

...sorry, I got a little emotional at the end there

b-127 in transformers one means a lot to me

not because I see myself in him

but because I see my loved ones in him

[velvetvexations]

Possibly they mean the current row over transphobes seeing people as their assigned sex? Some people are desperately insecure and seeing any even hypothetical relation to what they're transitioning away from to be so terrifyingly abhorrent that they entirely misunderstand what's being said. Case in point:

Not to psychoanalyze, but, like, wow, right? This is either maliciously lying or an incredibly sad coping mechanism. People are literally just saying that transphobes don't see people as the gender they identify as, but somehow this has led to the completely off the wall takeaway "trans women are men."

Like, no one is saying that. Literally no one is saying that, except for TERFs who I and every transmasc in this discourse shut down when they try to insert themselves into the conversation with their obviously wrong and vile bullshit.

And it's telling transradfems never actually...engage with what's being said at all. Like they never take a post and argue with it, they exclusively post about takes that don't exist. They're shadow boxing.

It breaks my brain a little. Like, how? How do you do this? How do you get this twisted a perception? Every single day anti-transandrophobia activists are repeating endlessly that they don't think transfems oppress them or anything remotely like that. Beyond intentionally trying to deceive their audience, it feels like transradfems are driven by an intense fear of anyone - even actual transphobes - seeing them as as the gender they were assigned that they not only deny that, but also take any acknowledgement of how transphobes think as misgendering them as well.

Which is just sad. It sucks that a transphobic society has made them this unbelievably skittish as to have a meltdown over the very thought that anyone could view them incorrectly. A person's gender validity is not dependent on what others think of them and it's not misgendering each other to understand that some people we are all aligned against have incorrect beliefs.

The "so you're saying we OPPRESS YOU?" reaction to "maybe don't slur other trans people?" may also arise out of this. It's plausible transradfems can't acknowledge trans women and trans men are on the same plane, with equal capacity (no more, no less) to harm each other, because they feel like they're somehow not getting the full Fymyle experience of being maximumly oppressed by all definitions of man at all times. Their problem with cis radical feminism is purely that they aren't allowed into the club, so naturally they can only relate trans men talking about their issues or expressing a belief that trans women are capable of causing them harm with MRAs. Cis men oppress all trans people, but to copy-and-paste the experience of being a cis woman as closely as possible, you can't be equal with any men whatsoever, even just trans men.

TERFs are well-understood to define womanhood around suffering and asserting themselves the biggest sufferers of all, and that's the definition transradfems have inherited.

I'm sorry, anon. You're a man and I'm so, so happy for that, your masculinity makes the world a better place. Please always be who you are. <3

my proposal is that we all start casually referring to all trans people as transmisogyny affected

"TMAs have it so rough" "yeah, trans women, men, and non-binary people of all sexual characteristics and assigned genders do have it rough, you're right"

trans radical feminism's one and only distinction form radical feminism is that they want to make a small edit to how it determines if someone is a man or a woman

I AM awesome!

Trans radical feminism and being a tankie are practically inseparable so it's a much more politically homogenous group taking a swing at a number of people likely to severely disagree on several things, like people who support Israel as a concept if not it's current actions vs. those who see the concept as the problem regardless of who's in charge.

Good instincts.

He seems like a very miserable guy.

Ideally we should make an effort to do work on behalf of others, but yes, it's not surprising and completely understandable that people tend to work on their needs first.

Yeah. It's based in radfem ideas of men being the ultimate evil and literally incapable of restraining themselves from harming women.

[adrienivy]

i’ve seen a lot of new discourse on the finale as it recently came out in english and i just wanted to say, i don’t agree with most of it.

while it’s undeniable gabriel agreste has done plenty of unjustifiable things, I believe that making the wish was actually the best choice given the circumstances.

when marinette showed him emilie’s recordings, gabriel realized he (and nathalie) should have followed her instructions, but it was too late to change the outcome. gabriel himself was deteriorating, and nathalie was comatose/dead. adrien would have been left without anyone (remember that this was one of emilie’s fears).

obviously, marinette couldn’t have known he was going to sacrifice HIMSELF, which is why she initially opposed the wish. she couldn’t risk him possibly sacrificing an INNOCENT life.

after she RIGHTFULLY refused to make the wish, he knew the only possible way for adrien to have an alive parental figure was for him to make the wish.

that’s why he “betrayed” marinette’s trust.

he made the wish and, as he now understood emilie never wanted to be brought back, sacrificed his life for nathalie.

that’s it. i don’t see why so many people are making a big deal out of this saying he only sacrificed himself to avoid the “consequences of his actions”

news flash: he would have died anyways! even if he didn’t make the wish, he was literally a dead man walking.

and personally i don’t think him being regarded as an hero has something to do with his wish: it’s simply a consequence of what he told marinette. (obviously it wasn’t right to burden a little girl with that responsibility, but that’s another story)

marinette probably didn’t know what to say so she made up a story about him helping her defeating monarch so that adrien wouldn’t know. and im 90% sure that this will be brought up again in the next seasons, possibly as a way to spice up things between adrien and marinette.

note: im not in any way a gabriel apologist, but im just tired of people blatantly misunderstanding the finale ! also im open to discuss my opinions with anyone who would want to! (obviously, in a respectful way, thank you)

-🌸

[lostcauses-noregrets]

I came to the fandom after the manga was already concluded, but how does it feel for people like you who have been in the fandom for a long time to finish the shipping race with your ship ending up as the most plausible one for Levi. Like you must have gone through a lot during the process lol but at the end it must have felt good.

Oh wow.  Did we go through a lot?  Did we ever!  Following the manga realtime was a wild, wild ride, especially after Shiganshina. I’ve already written about the fandom’s reaction to the hell that was the Serum Bowl here. Things did calm down a bit after that, particularly once fans understood that Levi had chosen to save Erwin by allowing him to die, but it was still a turbulent ride. 

Despite Yams hinting that Erwin might appear in flashbacks, there was a real fear that Erwin and his legacy would be completely forgotten and written out of the story.  The fact that Hanji mentioned there would be a funeral for Erwin and the fallen soldiers, and then that funeral never happened and we were straight into the time skip and the Marley Arc, only heightened that fear.  I’m still salty about this tbh. 

One of the things to remember about the Marley Arc is that it ran for 16 chapters and 11 months passed before we saw the Paradis cast again, apart from two blurry panels of Levi in chapter 93. 

There was a lot of anxiety about what was happening in the interim and how Levi would appear when he returned, particularly after the alarming subproduct of Titan science panel in 93.  Personally I was holding out for Levi to return with long hair and Erwin Smith Flame of Hope Tattooed across his chest. (@seitsen-sarvi kindly obliged.)  Isayama himself played on Levi’s absence by drawing pictures on his blog of Levi promoting a hot spring in his home town because he had nothing better to do. 

Once the Paradis cast returned, an even bigger fear was that Levi would forget his vow to Erwin, and speculation was rife about Levi choosing a new liege.  Those theories were blown out of the water in chapter 112 when Levi finally reiterated his vow to Erwin and we had the first of (several) flashbacks to the crate scene. 

Once it was clear that Levi hadn’t forgotten his vow and that his prime goal was still to kill Zeke, some fans felt that his character had stagnated, that he had become petty, vindictive and driven by revenge, that he needed to “get over” his hatred for Zeke, and that he should grow up and move on.  This particular argument used to drive me up the wall and I remember writing some meta pointing out that Levi wasn’t a teenage shounen protag on a voyage of discovery, he entered the manga as a fully formed character, and a grown ass man, and had remained consistent ever since. 

As the denouement of the manga approached, and we had another heartbreaking crate flashback in chapter 136, there was some quite acrimonious debate about whether Levi had sworn his vow to Erwin, or to all the Survey Corps’ fallen soldiers.  Most of this debate focused on points of translation that mostly went right over my head.  Have a look at @tsuki-no-ura's blog where you’ll find a detailed analysis of the translations and many very patient responses to fans.  My take on this particular point was that Levi swore his vow to Erwin, but he swore it on behalf of all the fallen soldiers. 

Another endless point of discourse was whether Levi should live or die.  Some Eruri fans desperately wanted him to die so he could be reunited with Erwin, while other fans were understandably outraged by this suggestion.  Personally I was really torn on this point. Ideally I wanted Levi to survive until the very end of the manga when he would die in a blaze of glory while killing Zeke, and then be reunited with Erwin in the afterlife. I never really thought there was the slightest chance of that happening, so when Hanji got *exactly* the ending that I wished for Levi, I was astonished to say the least.  But I also knew that having done it once, Isayama was unlikely to give the same ending to Levi. 

Ultimately, I think most Eruri shippers were very happy with Levi’s ending; he never forgot Erwin, he remained true to his vow, he killed Zeke, helped to save Humanity (as much as it could be saved), and was rewarded with a final vision of his fallen comrades saluting his sacrifice.  It was beautiful. 

The fact that Levi didn’t join the diplomatic mission to Paradis to negotiate with the Yeagerists, was just the icing on the cake. I love that last image of him living his best life with Gabi, Falco, and the Onyankopon, far away from Pardis and the Yeagerists. 

So yeah, that’s a very, very long winded way of saying, yes, as an Eruri shipper, Levi’s ending did feel good to me.  HOWEVER, I have to add that I’ve never seen shipping as a race to be won or lost. As far as I’m concerned the whole joy of shipping is that you can make your blorbos do whatever the hell you want, regardless of canon.  It really saddens me when some fans seem to spend more time shitting on ships they dislike, rather than creating content for ships that they do like. But at the same time, it also frustrates me when people try to debunk the actual canon story lines.  If you don’t like canon, that’s fine, just ignore it, shipping is all about transformative works after all.

I’m going to give the last word to Isayama, who I think is a lot smarter and more knowing than we sometimes give him credit for.  I know a lot of shippers of all stripes gave a wry smile when they saw this beautiful final panel of Levi with Petra, Hanji and Erwin all front and centre.  

Though I couldn’t help noticing that Erwin is the only one still waiting for their partner in the after life…

[kait-bait8]

Thoughts about Wolfstar???

For the longest time I’ve considered Wolfstar to be as good as canon and haven’t thought much more about them. But lately I’ve been thinking about the reality of Remus Lupin and who he is and now I have many more thoughts about them haha.

Disclaimer that while I’ve always been a fan of the original series, I was only active in the fandom for a short time several years ago and so I have no idea what “fandom lore” has been established or what discourse may have taken place. This is just coming from my read throughs of the books over the years.

While trying to examine the series with the intent to create an animated series for the modern era, I have tried to see where obvious diversity could be drawn out of characters and tried to interpret characters many different ways. I’m no expert and I’m still working on this theory, but I have begun trying to read Lupin as somewhere in the ace family.

Remus’ interactions with Tonks always felt extremely uncomfortable to me and the pressure from everyone around him to just marry her has never helped. I would love to hear more opinions about them and this is really a tangent for another post, but I’ve never understood why Tonks was so in love with Remus or why that particular pairing ever happened.

Bringing it back to Wolfstar, I think it’s a very easy conclusion to reach that Sirius and Remus had some sort of relationship beyond friendship. James and Sirius were always said to be practically brothers and clearly none of them knew Peter as well as they thought. And of course, James was always chasing after Lily. All of that leaves a space to fill about the relationship between Sirius and Remus.

But here’s my thing: I don’t think Remus’ fears about being with Tonks came from nowhere. I think Remus seeing himself as a monster has always prevented him from committing to relationships or seeing himself as worthy to be in one. I think that even after knowing the boys for years and going on many adventures together, he still thought that they were friends with a monster. And I don’t think he could bring himself to even begin to think about being romantic with anyone, even Sirius.

Obviously feelings like that are not *THE* reason he or anyone else would be ace, but I think it makes sense that it could be hard for him to feel comfortable connecting intimately and physically with anyone.

As for Sirius, I find it very amusing every time the posters in his bedroom walls are described. Obviously that doesn’t actually mean anything, but I don’t think it’s crazy to say that Sirius and James viewed girls basically the same way during their time at Hogwarts. It’s also important to note that we just don’t see Sirius interact romantically with any character in the series.

The best conclusion I can draw based on canon is that at most they had schoolboy crushes on one another, but fighting in a war and the aftermath of the fidelius curse caused them both to set all of that aside and unfortunately, they never had a chance to rekindle it.

But I love seeing fun and cute Wolfstar content because I love the idea of them together.

[davekat-sucks]

Simce this is the last day of Pride month (as I submit this) I want to confess: I never understood why people said Bridget from Guilt Gear was groomed.

You can take this with a pinch of salt, I haven’t played the Guilty Gear games, this is just what I learned from discourse:

Starting with Bridget in Guilty Gear XX. Bridget is a child of a pair of twins born in a town that thinks twins are a curse. Bridget’s family raises one son as a boy and Bridget as a girl so neither twin has to be the one kicked out of the family.

At age 14 Bridget leaves the town to find his brother, take him home, reveal to everyone they were both twins, and debunk the superstition.

Bridget still worse his girly clothes, why? He was independent and had no stigma anymore to look like a girl, so why still wear girl clothes? Was it grooming? I will explain why it isn’t.

First, by the assumption that grooming forces a person to act a specific way, Bridget was away from his parents and could act independently, and s chose t wear his clothes because he likes it.

If the grooming was “internalized” how was it? Was Bridget doing it out of obligation for his family? If so I could see that as grooming, Bridget wants to appease the groomers.

If it was all the clothes Bridget has ever known, then it isn’t grooming, otherwise all parents would have to be groomers for this to be logically consistent.

And if it’s just “oh Bridget likes dressing this way” then it’s not grooming, grooming is someone coercing somebody to do favors for the groomer’s wants by tricking the child into thinking they are a trustworthy authority figure.

If Bridget likes wearing girl clothes, then Bridget’s parents are supporting his lifestyle, rather than protect him out of obligation from the town. By the way the latter reason is not inherently evil, it’s an unorthodox way to protect your kids but Bridget’s family loves him.

Okay now to Strive. The superstition is gone, Bridget is still a femboy, now he’s 19. He goes bounty hunting again because he feels like something’s off. Blah blah blah the story ends with Bridget being a girl. I also know Bridget’s bio describes him as a feminine boy but yeah duh if the bio spoils the character’s arc then what’s the point of the story mode?

All in all I can NOT rationalize any reasoning where Bridget wasn’t groomed into being a femboy but groomed into being a woman. Strive Bridget was an adult, and the town superstition hadn’t existed for 5 years. So who groomed her then?

Her parents? Then you’d have to argue XX Bridget was groomed, because they raised her to look like a girl.

We already established Bridget independently liked being a feminine boy in XX, (and his parents are supportive, not grooming) so in strive Bridget wanted to be a girl, so who groomed Bridget to be a girl instead of a femboy?

I disagree with your argument. First off, in XX, Bridget felt guilty of being born the same sex. His story in that game was trying to DISPROVE that him being born as a set twin was not true. How? By becoming a bounty hunter and making money. If he can bring a lot of money to the villagers and tell them the truth, it would show that even the circumstances of his birth, it's not all bad luck. Why change it later on in Strive? Does that mean his town's superstitious belief is justified now? Some may claim in one of XC's endings for Bridget, his brother DOES go missing. So it is the bad luck that the villager's feared. Then why in the Japanese dub of it, Bridget uses BOKU instead of BUCHI when referring to himself at the end? If he wanted to continue playing up his disguise as a girl, he should have used the later. Instead, he went with the former, BOKU. In the Pachinko game, Vast XT, Bridget's lines say he wants to be seen as a man by the villagers and dislikes being cute. Yes, Pachinko is weird in itself for us Westerners, but it technically is canon since it is from Japan and made by the same company. Do we dismiss this just because us Westerners could never have access to it?

[melonteee]

It literally is the reason why a lot of people seem to like OPLA Sanji more, since they only associate him with the perv gag, not remember there were almost no pervy scenes with him at all, up until like Thriller Bark?

Your friends words about Sanji's flirting not being realistic hence it's easy to find cute and charming is so on point! The fact that he never demands anything from the women, he just does it because he likes it, seperates him from most irl men and ironically, the LA version of him was kind of what I feared Sanji would be before starting the series.

However, I completely also understand why a lot of women would dislike Sanji after Thriller Bark since while his flirting and behaviour were cartoonish and over-the-top before, the entitlement to women's bodies, even in the context of a "joke", is very real and can also be triggering.

The Clear-Clear Fruit/peeping joke is something I've never come to understand, it comes completely out of left field and I feel like it just doesn't make sense for his character, or what his character is supposed to be, at all. He loves women and he is really kind, but wanting to invade their privacy just to perv is the most selfish thing in the world. Gags are supposed be just that; gags. They're supposed to be inconsequential, like Zoro getting lost or even Brook's panty joke, not a fan of it either but it makes sense in the context of his character; he was alone for so long he completely forgot what is socially acceptable and what isn't, which in the end, is just really sad.

But I just never understood the point of Sanji suddenly wanting to peep on women, like WHEN did this happen? I was fully expecting it to be explained in WCI, that he wanted to be invisible because of the abuse he experienced every day and later he would just make it into something "lighter" as a coping mechanism but, not really? It was just left up in the air and I guess we will never know, maybe it was an editorial demand or Oda just wanted to appeal more to boys, I don't know.

I'm sorry this is so ranty I'm still just so pressed about it because I love Sanji dearly and I just really dislike the fact that this joke has completely overtaken his character in some people's minds and I GET why. It is a valid reason not to like him and I just wish Oda had never included it, there were way better ways to make him pervy if he wanted to go down that route with him. OPLA discourse has just made me think about it again and I guess the silver lining is that people are finding Sanji charming again, which is the way he is supposed to be.

Sanji does shoot himself in the foot a lot lol, and I totally understand why Sanji makes people uncomfortable so I never hold it against them or anything. Like yeah it's weird he wanted the clear clear fruit to be a perv, but when you see him reading the book of devil fruits as a kid in Germa, you can also have your own idea that he's definitely compensating for uh...being un-wanted LMAO.

It depends how you take his scenes I guess, one thing I will say is I can make him worse.

[moonchild-in-blue]

Okay, so I'm finally caught up with The Witcher 3 and as expected, most of the discourse here is about our favourite bard Jaskier and his hot lover. And while I LOVE him and Radovid, I really wanna see more discussion about the rest of show. So here's some of my favourite points/moments/whatever before vol. 2 comes out:

Yennefer genuinely trying to make amends with everyone, and becoming a better person. Her letters to Geralt?? Love them.

Ciri being not very great at magic - very refreshing to see a Chosen One™ teenage girl actually struggling and being clumsy and imperfect, and seeing her abilities improve realistically. Very tired of seeing the "trains for one week and instantly becomes a master at magic/whatever skill" trope.

On that same note, I really love that she gets to be a badass fighter, dirty and scruffy, but also still enjoys her pretty dresses and other traditionally feminine things. Girls are both, one doesn't excuse the other, and I just find that very neat.

Domestic Geralt and Yen. The dinners, the anniversary celebration, co-parenting Ciri. Hella cute 🥺

VERY interesting to see Nilfgaard seeking yet another truce with Francesca and the elves. Literally one of my favourite plot points of season 2 - Nilfgaard are the supposed "evil" ones, and yet so far are the only ones actively helping out the elves, even if with an agenda.

Emhyr burning his portraits and Pavetta's, erasing his past as Dunny. I'm very interested to see how the father dynamic parallels between him, Geralt and Ciri will play out.

Cahir, my skrunkly boy. ✨Him✨ Is he evil? Is he kinda okay? Is he actually disgusted with himself for murdering his elf boyfriend, and thus securing his position in the Nilfgaardian court, knowing that he's simply sinking deeper into Emhyr's grasp as merely a pawn, or is he just a cold-blooded army blorbo, and truly believes that the White Flame is the answer? Who knows!

Fringilla?? Living her best life as a free woman, dancing and drinking the trauma away? We love to see. Her hair looked AMAZING in the tavern scene. But please, someone give her something to do, girlie was NOT made for the streets.

Yarpen (his that his name?) is such a sweetheart, I love him 🥺

RIP Fern and her husband (am bad at names), and all that Library of Alexandria worth of knowledge and literature.

Love love love the gay uncle/rebel teenager relationship between Jaskier and Ciri. They're so funny together. Them spying on Geralt and Yen?? Fabulous.

YEN FINALLY BECAME A MOTHER. Listen, I almost teared up when Tissaia said that because, ugh. I love their friendship. And Tissaia is one of the very few people who really knows Yennefer, and how much having a child meant for her. And now she is, and she gets to be a parent with Geralt. And she's so awesome. I love that she, unlike Triss, isn't always kind and gentle with Ciri. She knows how much Ciri is struggling for control, she gets it. And she allows herself to be vulnerable and truthful with her - something that even Geralt struggles to do at times [with Ciri].

Geralt learning that his mother has died, and genuinely crying, less because of her passing, but more because he never understood why she abandoned him, and how much that hurt. Especially now that he's a father himself, and knows what true love and care and fear for a child means. Because he could never, ever hurt or endanger Ciri the way Visenna hurt him. Because there's always another way, it has to be. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this like the first time we see him cry? I don't remember if he actually shed any tears after Sodden, or when Roach died. Crazy to think he's been alive for so many decades, and yet still carries so much hurt and saddens towards his mother.

Jaskier having a crush is so cute hahaha. But also, I love the way he talks about his love for Geralt. Because sure, he's a slut (affectionately), and sure, him and Radovid? Their chemistry and connection is off the charts. But Geralt? His love for Geralt is so genuine, it runs so much deeper than people realise. It's unfair to say it's purely platonic or romantic or whatever because how can you even label a love that profound? "Family goat", AS IF BURN BUTCHER BURN ISN'T THE MOST HEART-WRENCHING, ANSTY BREAKUP SONG EVER, like okay, we all know how you really feel about Mr. Grumpy Pants. Honestly, big thank you Joey Batey, he really brings that romantic artist energy to life.

Philippa and Djikstra being in a bdsm relationship was NOT on my bingo cards. We love a dominatrix witch.

Tissaia's hair. She looks superb.

In comparison, someone please give my girl Triss some hair conditioner. Why did they let her walk around like that like, bestie, define your curls, please I'm begging you.

Vengefortz being the Big Bad - I did have a suspicion but didn't really want to believe it. What he did to those girls was atrocious and messed up, I was legitimately horrified. But also, bravo, whatever his purpose is, he pulled it off quite well.

Istred with that hair and eyeliner. Weirdly hot. Kinda wanted to see more of him.

Jaskier x Valdo Marx beef was EVERYTHING. I cackled when his trope appeared on the boat like fucking glee club. Their song on the conclave was extremely annoying tho, I did not love the constant replay of scenes.

GERALT SAID I LOVE YOU. Geralt said I love you. To Yennefer. Out loud. In public nonetheless. Gasping, clutching my pearls, screaming, crying, throwing up. I love them so much.

Yennefer serving looks 24/7 like the total boss babe she is.

Also, side note but, have you noticed that this season (so far) has had much less ~spicy~ scenes, or just generally less hyper-sexualised content, especially when it came to Yen/Geralt? Even the others, all of the sex scenes felt a lot more "plot relevant", and less "fan-servicey" than in previous seasons, which I for one really appreciate. I feel like before, especially s1, every other scene was an opportunity to show Yen's boobs or Geralt shirtless. Now it feels more, respectful? reigned in? Not that there's anything wrong with it - I'll never say no to a nice titty shot of Henry Cavill - but it can definitely take away the focus from the story, which is a shame because the plot is so rich and there's so much happening.

[nrdmssgs]

OC ask game

Second part of answers for this request. This is quite upsetting, sorry. There are serious triggers out there: mentions of real life events, mentions of mental struggles, mentions of unhealthy behavior.

#B What inspired you to create them?

Ok, this is the fourth time, i'm starting answering this question. Lets do it like that: I'll give a short safe answer and a long one, but with TW.

So, short answer: personal trauma and a few characters/situations from popular culture.

Now to the long one. When I started this blog, I promised to myself to keep it politics free. So I'll really try to make it the first and the last time.

First and the foremost important: I know, I'm not a victim in this situation. There are people out there, whos lives are turned to hell on earth, who don't know if they see the next sunrise. So my whining about 'feeling bad about it' means nothing, and it's not a request for compassion or pity. I know, I must be nothing but happy and grateful for my calm and full life. I promise, Im working on it.

Four years ago I moved from my country to Germany. A year and a half ago my country invaded a neighboring country and started a heinous, bloody war. A number of war crimes committed by my country is multiplied daily. Never before I thought, I could cry every day, for multiple times, could stop eating, struggle to sleep. I never had depression, don't know, how real emotional problems feel. But the start of that war changed something in me, because in a few months I started committing to some unhealthy thoughts and patterns. I absolutely understood the reasoning behind possible hate towards anyone with the same citizenship as mine, I still do. I know we must feel bad, guilty not till the end of the war, but for the rest of our lives. And I swear, I do. But at some point my hate, I channeled towards myself, started to be destructing. I couldn't get professional help, as it is complicated to express your feelings in another language. I understood, that I struggle to do anything other than read news and cry. And it's actually a problem, when you are a grown adult, who is supposed to work on a thesis, do an internship, fight your cats cancer and find a job. So I clutched my teeth and just tried everything to just keep going. And one of the things was finding a hobby and reanimating this old tumblr blog.

I liked almost everything in CoD. Almost, because there was Nikolai. My problem with Nikolai was that we shared an origin, yet he wasn't a bad guy in the story. And by the time I started falling down CoD hole - I was already neck deep into self neglect because of my origin and everything, that happened. So it frustrated me, he wasn't depicted, and he wasn't feeling himself as a bad man. So when any discourse on tumblr came to him - I usually just went completely silent. That was until I found two blogs writing beautiful stories about him. My initial reaction was 'ok, those people are just super-nice and maybe they don't know about where he comes from'. But then I read one story. And all the comments. And another story. And, once again, all the comments.

I was startled. I sat before my screen and just cried. Because I saw people, looking far beyond this characters country of origin. And they loved him for who he is. By no means he was a perfect, no, but they LOVED him, they gave zero fucks, where he was born, they cared for what he was actually doing.

And at some point I thought, I have something to say about the guy, I have a story about self-acceptance, acceptance of others around you, and it means a world to me right now, because it hurts so much.

So I opened new file and started talking to myself in it. And I manifested all the pain I was dealing to myself into this poor thing, my Zhar. At first, I didn't even let her have a name or an appearance in my head, because I thought, she never deserved it. I wanted her to entertain me and others, speak to Nikolai about trust and fears. The main role in a Heart was always Niks, as it was him, who practically said her 'hey, I know, it hurts. I know, it's really bad. But I'm here to accept you, to show, you still can do something good. And I'm here to love you on this way and beyond it'. It was the hardest message to write, because i myself still struggle to 'sit before a mirror' and say it all to myself. But maybe, just maybe, its a step in a right direction.

The more I wrote, the more details Zhar got. By the third chapter I already knew, how her voice sounds, how she looks. I didn't add it in the story to not spoil it.

I took inspirations from many characters, I deeply love. There is a bit of struggle of Senua from Hellblade, there is a bit of my favorite scene with Cersei from GoT, there are little droplets of Claire Underwood being uncanny and friendly at the same time. All my favorite things. I also bring together a small playlist for Zhar that helps me a lot. But thats that - her and my story. I wish, I could tell, it's just a self-insert, but sadly it's not, at least not in a traditional way.

#F What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Well, now that I told her story, its only fair to admit - my heart is full of compassion for her. I wish I could hug her. I think, if I ever won her trust - we'd have quite a talk. I wish I could make it hurt not so bad, but I guess, its Nikolais work now. Hope, he doesn't give up on it.

[ganymedeschild]

2 -

A week has passed, and I begin to think Auburn really was a hallucination, a product of solitary confinement and the subconscious fear of the unknown.

I consider contacting the ISS crew and asking them if they’ve heard whispers, felt tugs, sensed another person in the room. I have a small, rather pathetic feeling of hope that Auburn will appear right next to me.

The dreams have been terrifying, thrilling, horribly beautiful. Each dream I see Auburn, each time in a slightly different way, my brain trying to make sense of a description of a being I can’t see. The skin is always the same, though everything else varies. Height, weight, length of limbs and torso. The eyes never seem to be right, always a bit too round, a bit too large, a bit lower set on the face than I think they should be. But who am I to think anything about something I can’t see? I’m lost in my thoughts, staring out the window and observing a small piece of debris float by when a chill goes up my spine, accompanied by a lock of hair being twirled.

“Hello, traveler Noelle.” The whisper sends another chill, though this feels different, almost welcomed. I try to contain my excitement, and I keep my face neutral. A smile is trying its hardest to break my composure.

“Been busy projecting to the others, Auburn?” I ask. The jealousy in my voice is surprising to me, and I hope it goes unnoticed.

“Why project to the others when you’re the only interesting thing in Earth’s orbit?”

I feel pride building in my chest and try to crush it down. Being an out-of-body voice’s favorite human shouldn’t mean much.

“Projecting can be difficult. I need total peace in order to make it this far.”

“Has peace been hard to come by? Much discourse on Ganymede?”

A light laugh, and I tense as a finger prods my temple. “Internally, perhaps. I do not let others get in the way of my peace. But I, myself, get in the way of it quite often. The mind can be a hectic place.”

I understood. If Auburn’s mind was anything like mine, it was chaos. I couldn’t imagine the concentration needed to project this far. A whisper pulled me out of my thinking again.

“Have you been lonely? I see you’ve answered questions.”

I look towards the open laptop, messages between my mother and I open. I’ve responded to several people in the time between visits. I tell myself it’s to get family to leave me alone, but maybe I really did miss talking to someone.

“Loneliness isn’t something I experience often.” A lie, as far as the past week is considered.

“You try to seem so unlike the others. More like them than you realize.” That catches me off guard. It’s just another confirmation that Auburn really has been watching humans. “There is no shame in being what you are made to be, young traveler. So much experience is required to be in your position, yet you seem to have none where it counts.”

That surprises me. Auburn knows it takes a lot to get to my position, has managed to make me feel small and stupid in the ways of life, and had called me young all at once. Auburn did say that they had seen everything and everyone we have sent up here - it makes me wonder how old my companion is. I do the obvious thing and ask.

“Old enough to have experienced several of your generations.” There’s a pause, and Auburn is thinking. “I estimate around two of your average lifetimes, perhaps 150 standard years.”

I’m shocked - I’ve never met anything this old. Auburn was here before our greatest inventions, yet there are still animals today that are older. It makes me think, trying to put that age into perspective, but it’s too difficult and I give up. Instead, I ask the other question that has been in my mind.

“Why do you only whisper? Is that just how your people speak?”

“I whisper to save my energy. If I spoke at full volume, it would take away my more physical abilities.” I feel a hand curl gently around my arm, six long, slender fingers resting coolly on my skin. The fingertips feel like paw pads, calloused but still gentle. Six sharp nails sit against my skin, and I remember I should be feeling fear. But there’s no digging into the skin, the nails are just sitting there, a reminder that Auburn is deadly. I feel a mix of fascination and horror. I want to see Auburn as their people truly are.

“I whisper so that you can feel me like this.” Auburn leans closer, right next to my ear now, so close I can almost feel lips against my ear lobe. “Six fingers and claws wasn’t a lie. You’re excited, while something you can’t even see is this close. What a strange one you are, Noelle. Shouldn’t you be scared of the unknown?”

The voice sounds slightly smug when Auburn points out my excitement. I AM slightly scared, though it’s not something I would ever admit. But the joy, the wonder at being touched by an alien being we’ve searched years to find, all the positive feelings greatly overshadow it.

“You’re not unknown.” I point out. There’s a whisper of a laugh, almost a giggle, in my ear. “You’re Auburn.”

A light squeeze on my arm. A confirmation? A friendly gesture? Just a reminder that I’m really accompanied by an unseen alien on a steel ship in the middle of space?

“How much effort would it take to see you?”

“Too much to be projecting this far, my friend. You would perhaps catch a glimpse before I lose my concentration, and that’s if I make it this far in the first place. There would be no speaking, no touching. Not worth the effort, in my opinion.”

The hand moves from my arm, and Auburn’s mouth is farther from my ear now. I feel cold without the presence of my (friend?) companion right next to me.

“You try to see everything. It clouds your head. Your minds eye may be stronger than you realize.”

My eyes widen, shock on my face involuntarily. “Are you suggesting you’ve seen the dreams?” I ask outright. A snorted laugh is the first response.

“Not seen, no. But you’re predictable. You are an observer, you will try to piece everything together.” My hands are grasped by Auburn’s, and they are gently placed on what I assume is a face. The gentle movement of a jaw while I’m spoken to is confirmation. “Close your eyes. Try to see through other means.”

I follow instructions and close my eyes, hands slowly and gently tracing an alien face. The jaw and chin are soft, slightly curved and elegant. The cheekbones are higher, more angular and pronounced than I thought they would be. There are no eyebrows or lashes to be felt, a completely smooth face. Eyes more up turned, smaller. I knew instantly the dreams were making them too big and placed too low on Auburn’s face.

I run my fingers down until I reach a mouth. Small, skinny, rounded lips are under the tips of my fingers. The skin is soft and delicate, hiding the true power Auburn holds.

“I want to feel them.” I meant for my voice to sound more commanding, though it comes out as closer to a whisper than I was hoping for. A smile is forming under my fingers, mouth still closed. It takes a moment for the lips to part, a grin growing where the thin-lipped smile once was, and my fingers now feel the glossy, smooth, sharp teeth of the predator in front of me.

A shiver of excitement runs through my body as I gently run my hands over them. They are all incisors, all pointed precisely. I can feel how they lock together when Auburn’s mouth is closed. I am in awe. Auburn takes me hands and places them back on the cheeks so I can be spoken to again.

“Scared of what you’ve seen, Noelle? You’re speechless. Your fingers have been in my mouth for minutes now.” I’m being made fun of, a smug smile trickles into the words. I can feel the smile with my hands still on delicate yet powerful jaws. I think about the bite Force, the PSI they must have, and immediately decide I never want to imagine that again. My hand goes back to lips, though they stay outside of the mouth this time. I gasp when a long, skinny, wet, forked tongue darts across my thumb quickly, making me draw my hands back. My eyes shoot open and I remember I am, technically, alone.

“That’s as close to seeing me as you will come.”

I’ve decided that Auburn is beautiful. If I could see with my own eyes instead of relying on touch, I was sure I would still agree. The power this being holds, wrapped in a delicate yet strong package, was sucking me in. I wanted to know more, but the mystery made everything more exciting. I needed answers, yet the search for them was what drove me.

Auburn felt as androgynous as the sound of their voice. I suppose trying to force a binary onto an alien made no sense in the first place, but the human mind tends to do that. A hand on my shoulder pulls me from my thoughts.

“A question, Noelle. Your silence worries me.”

I could tell the worry was genuine. All this time pointing out that I should be afraid, just to worry when I might be. Maybe anxiety wasn’t as human as we thought. The demand for me to ask a question was interesting, and I felt like I had to restart my brain in order to think of one.

“What do you think of…of this?” That’s really the best I can come up with? I’m overcome with the awful self conscious feeling a stupid question provides while pointing toward my face to give some context. There’s a not-quite laugh as a hand runs through my floating hair.

“You are nothing like the standards of Ganymede or our sister moons. Yet I am nothing like the standards of Earth, and here we are.”

I feel embarrassed, was my admiration that noticeable? The embarrassment is only temporary as I process the whole sentence. My ears turn hot.

“What a waste of a question, Noelle. Not very observant at this moment.” Those lips are right on my ear again, and this time the whisper is even more quiet as a hand brushes against the small of my back. “Concentration escapes me. I will not take as long between visits, little traveler.”

And then I am alone with feelings I have never navigated, and never had a desire to feel.

[soullostintime]

Warmth.

It's intoxicating. It's revolting to all senses of our bodies. Because it's pleasure, and who knows if he deserves pleasure. Warmth, so warm, so comfortable and warm, a tiny bonfire with breathable warm air, a blanket full of treasures, of love and care and softness like heaven, warm, so so warm.

And yet, a haunting sensation, omnipresent, reminding him that perhaps he doesn't deserve warmth. That he must be alone, all alone, with the fear and anxiety of harmonies unfamiliar, unknown, and yet he must find pleasure in these, these places that don't want him. These places that represent the ideal livelihood, the livelihood that is not his, can never he his, because he's different and nobody likes different.

He hates parties because everyone is out of their minds; smoking auroras, gulping down a crafted glass, eating what's disgusting, even though they'll puke it all out on an stranger who is too drunk to care. He hates parties, they remind him of closed, congested places he can never escape from, areas that have no place for you, and yet you cannot help but stay because it would be too weird and suspicious otherwise.

Sometimes, he avoids faces while on a stroll. He thinks it's easy, so easy to not look and ignore and pretend it's all easy that no one is looking at him, and even if they are, he doesn't know, so it's easy. He likes easy. Maybe he could do this often, stay polite and away and avoiding all eyes, all stares that mark his face like a blot of ink on paper, and it's easy, so easy.

He often wonders if he's an anomaly, a discourse in the system of the perfects, or if he's 'special' as they all call the ones who are just different and cannot be understood. "Oh, my boy, you're special! It's fine, no one is the same!" But oh, he wishes he was. He wishes he could go to parties and get-togethers and reunions and act like the popular jock everyone loves, like the guy who cracked jokes and looked hot and had everyone looking forward to seeing him, just seeing him again.

Warmth. He wonders if it would've been warm, doing so. Fitting in, tracing steps of every single person around him. Just doing what everyone did. Kissing people, falling in love, staying committed, talking to friends, being funny, looking happy. He wishes he could be happy, wonders if everyone is.

Is he happy, being different? He might be, in his own little world of wonders, in a room filled with his fantasies, his dreams and his eyes on every corner, every inch that screams his name and says: "Yes, I'm yours." And he's happy because he can belong. He's happy to stay hidden, stay in the closet away from the universe imposing the livelihood on him. He's happy, just existing in a tiny space where no one bothers him, where he must not pretend, where he can scream his heart out and not care, where he can say that he might never love and not have judging stares hooked on him.

Warmth, is this warmth?

He wishes he can carry this warmth with him forever, in places and things and people, and oh so many people, or just one, someone, just so he can not care if they laugh at him, or cry with him, or worry or care or look at him with a look unfamiliar, unknown. He just wouldn't care, because this person would be his warmth, another part of his soul that travels, exists in some other corner of this world, and yet never fades away, always there, always the same, always warm.

He wishes he could have this warmth. He wonders if he deserves it, being the anomaly he is. Maybe, strange people are supposed to stay strange alone, that's their purpose, plunged and squeezed into the background, like a guy no one remembers but saw, thinking hard that: "Hey! I saw you at that place that one time. Um, I can't remember... What was your name again?" And oh, should he be happy that at least someone 'saw' him, or sad, once again, that his name has been forgotten – like that side character who has two lines in the movie, and then he moves on, somewhere else. If it's a horror movie, he probably dies first.

And so he runs, and hides, and hugs his knees close to his chest and sobs, and he doesn't know why he is doing this, it's ridiculous, absurd, atrocious, because no one has hurt him? They have all been nice and kind and accepting and sweet and here he is, crying because he's an attention seeker, a coward, an anomaly. No one has pushed him, stabbed him, bled him to death that he has to cry this way, to run away from people just living their lives, who ask, who come, who remember, some who even remember his name and call him from a distance and ask how he's been. But oh, he's a monster, a monster who's never satisfied and just keeps wanting and wants more, so much more. Oh, he's ridiculous, so selfish and cruel and mean to everyone. Even now, he thinks so, as these hot stream runs down his face with thoughts unfamiliar, unknown.

Warmth.

He wants to find it; wants it inside of him, carrying it everywhere to everyone; wants to spread it like it should spread to him, intoxicate them with smooth and honest words, words he wishes someone spoke to him. Warmth. Warmth that rises from his chest to his eyes that perceive, portray and ponder, his hands that hold so tight and never let go, his legs that stay sturdy and willful and strong. He is warm. So warm, so so warm, and he's not sitting by a bonfire reciting stories or snuggled in a blanket with wonders and treasures. He's not in his room that calls his name. He is here, somewhere, and he is warm.

And then he wakes up.