#negotiation whomst

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

he just pulls that entire ship down

[thepioden]

Frodo is also an old-money wealthy landowner, even if he is extremely nice about it.

Really, I think he'd be more indignant on Sam's behalf. Frodo is your BOSS, Sam. Work-life balance, Sam. Yeah okay giving you his house is a good start but Frodo owes you HAZARD PAY, Sam. It doesn't matter how much you like him it's about setting a PRECEDENT, Sam.

"Chilchuck would hate Frodo" bullshit, Chilchuck would be super fucking intensely protective of Frodo Baggins.

The ring you got for your inheritance turned out to be CURSED? And you VOLUNTEERED to WALK HUNDREDS of MILES to destroy it!? And when you got stabbed by a monster blade, the ELVES TOOK YOU AWAY FOR MONTHS and you THANKED THEM!?

No. No, I'm your father now, kid. You're joining a union, I'm negotiating your back pay for that trip. And your ongoing medical treatment, and I'm getting you EXTRA for mental anguish. Oh, the elves are offering to take you to some mysterious continent off in the West as recompense? Let's find out how many of these obscure cuss words they can decipher.

[adultswim2021]

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #100: “One Hundred” | May 3rd, 2010 - 12:00AM | S08E12

The dang-ass big-ass hundo is upon us, and now we need to talk about it. In this episode, Frylock mysteriously starts seeing the number 100 everywhere (similar to the James Carrey film The Number 23). Suddenly, Shake becomes self-aware that this is the 100th episode of the television series Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which causes him to to Hollywood and negotiate a deal for the show to enter syndication. Shake is depicted as a full-body costume which a realistic Dana Snyder is wearing in an amusing reveal. Eventually a monster, whose body is the shape of a number one-hundred, shows up, and is scary at the Aqua Teens, and begins ripping the show asunder. 

In order to evade the Hundred Monster, the Aqua Teens “hide out” in a new show, now called Aqua Unit Patrol Squad, where the characters are reinvented as Scooby-Doo/Hanna-Barbera style guys. This is a delightful bit, with an opening sequence that depicts a lotta minor characters coming back, just so we can see what they look like. The Hundred Monster catches up with them anyway, and they talk at some length about how syndication doesn’t really apply to them yet, because you need 100 half-hours, and the vast majority of ATHF is in the quarter-hour format. 

I just did some napkin math, and if you took every episode and squished them into half-hour bricks, along with the movies and the Aqua Donk Side Pieces and, for good measure, Baffler Meal, you’ve got 83 half-hours. That means in 10 more years they might actually make it to syndication, if still even exists. 

I like this one a lot! Lotta goofy shit and some genuinely funny jokes. It actually does feel fairly special. Whomst among us can keep a smile from happening on their face when they hear George Lowe say “good thing this wasn’t blood, I’d be licking AIDS right now.” I feel like most shows would reject that line for being so abrasive. A good reason to love this program. 

In addition to George Lowe, we got Tom Savini, a li'l song from li'l MC Chris, and Robert Smigel as the 100 monster.

The Scooby-Doo bit is especially fun, and it's not just the cool animation. It's also a fun joke about the show's origins as a sorta parody of the Scooby-Doo clone phenomenon of Dave and Matt's Gen-X childhood. When Scooby-Doo became a hit, Hanna-Barbera created over a dozen of new shows that followed roughly the same formula. Aqua Teen Hunger Force was created with that spirit in mind. This is also why at the beginning of the show the characters were kinda-sorta trying to be detectives.

One of my favorite things about this is that they actually did rename the series to “Aqua Unit Patrol Squad (1)”, and Shake’s throwaway line about them relocating to Seattle actually stuck; I recall moments in the new season where the show reminds you it takes place in Seattle now despite doing nothing to actually change the physical appearance of the setting. Great joke. Eagle-eyed viewers will note a DEFIANT nod to their failed pilots Stiff and Duckworth. They will note it, and they will NOTE like it.

[hanamaryam]

where; somewhere in Knockturn Alley whomst; open

“No, that is not up for negotiation.” Hana snapped at a surly looking trader. “Walter may run the business, but I am the matriarch of the Shafiq family now and the final decisions rest with me and me alone. It’s not happening. Give it up.”

When the trader stalked away, Hana rolled her eyes and rested the urge to flip them off. “Honestly,” she said to her companion, “It’s like they’ve never taken orders from someone younger than them before. Do they just assume I don’t know what I’m doing?”

--

[riftwalker-limbro]

I'm popping this in here instead of discord bc it's more Hey How Does This Mechanic Work so it might as well get rambled onto here if you so choose: nidus mutation stacks. Or the change in appearance they bring anyway. What is the change tied to for Pule?

i love the idea behind this. redirecting the lore rambles back to the original channels jdfhbgjhbg

ok i've actually been thinking about this a Decent Bit. passively rotating pule. so HERE

the first vibes i ever got about the Meat appearing were 1. vampirism and 2. meat as Energy Storage. needless to say i don't think pule's abilities work the same as canon nidus'. i think pule's abilities would require a mix of (not necessarily the same quantity of) regular warframe energy & mutation energy, if not outright just the mutation energy. love the funky warframes in canon that already say energy Whomst. the stomp still works the same, for the tentacle thing on his 2 he has to throw one of the seed pods from his friendolier, and just throw Way More for his 4. mutation stacks + energy in general are needed for regrowing Friend Seeds.

helminth strain & the infestation in general does some Fucky Wucky things with life & meat and tbh i don't feel like figuring out that exact link right now so i'm just gonna. leave that There. but i do have notes on other things

the Extra Meat does decay over time bc of Entropy - it just dissipates over time bc Shrug. it's a bit volatile, not very stable.

he Gets the energy still by killing enemies i think, or otherwise forcing a link to drain the life out of them - haven't played him recently but i think that's pretty directly how one of his abilities works? the conversion rate from A Whole Being's Life Force to Meat Stacks is pretty shit which is why he needs to eat many before he can do much with the energy he's gained. could he use this to be a giant dick in non-combat settings? perhaps but i don't think he would just bc of his Personality, not even if it was... worst-case scenario, some grineer leader in negotiations?

one additional funny thing is. you can't just energy-vampirism your way through a battlefield and grow a whole layer of meat on you without Mental Consequences. and i'm talking the helminth infestation on him gaining sentience the higher his mutation stacks get, or perhaps voices of the souls he sucked up whole. maybe both. the higher his mutation stacks get, the harder it is to remain in control. it does have an advantage - the helminth has some Good Instincts about combat and is generally ruthless & very scary & does recognise warframes as allies (humans, though?). and the specific effect this has on pule is not just "pule vs the helminth in his head" but more along the lines of "pule IS the helminth and he just gets a little feral on the battlefield, might want to stay a bit out of his way". you try & talk to him but he's dazed, distracted, wanting to just keep going and kill more shit. at a high enough point he will holster his guns and just go with the claws (it is a crying shame that almost no warframes get to just rip shit apart with their bare hands)

due to the entropic nature of these energy-meats he does calm down pretty quickly once extracted from combat. the physical battle does tire him out as normal but if he got particularly high stacks he might also be mentally tired/get a headache afterwards.

he doesn't like getting Fully out of control but a little bit is Definitely Fun & Certainly Useful.

funny contrast now that i'm writing this out is also. where vince is a liability in direct combat bc he's just Bad at it, pule is a liability in combat because he gets Too Good at it.

[wordrage]

Ngl unless Draco was known as Death Eater during 7th year, like if the Carrows made it known, I prefer the public in general doesn't know Draco was branded lol. For specifically this reason. Snape wouldn't out Draco, and I can totally see him telling the Carrows to keep their mouth shut about him.

Lucius most definitely negotiated a plea deal where Draco was not charged for anything as he was a minor or something. I like that in canon neither serves time lol.

Harry would absolutely not say anything. Ron and Hermione would be like, what about Draco? All last year you were saying he's a Death Eater?

Harry: Whomst?

So it seems that not only did Harry shift blame away from Draco in book 6 in the immediate aftermath of Dumbledore's death (x) but apparently based on this bit from book 7 it looks like when Ministry officials arrived he didn't implicate Draco at all and instead only gave evidence about Snape's guilt despite the fact that he heard Draco confess to a number of crimes.

The lengths he goes to to shield Draco are actually wild. Guess all our headcanons where he testifies on Draco's behalf don't go far enough lol.

Fanon Harry: Yes Draco made terrible mistakes but he shouldn't go to Azkaban because if you look at the whole context it's clear he was coerced and didn't want to do it and subsequently changed his mind and even risked his life to save mine so he deserves a second chance.

Canon Harry: Idk what you all are talking about. I was on the Astronomy Tower the night Dumbledore died and I only saw Snape. And sure someone Imperiused Rosmerta and made her pass on poisoned mead and a cursed necklace but anyone could've done that. If we had a witness who overheard the perpetrator confess their guilt then we'd know. But. Sadly. We don't. :)

Draco sitting in his own trial listening to Harry's version of events:

[mariacallous]

Congress and President Joe Biden largely prevented hunger from getting worse during the pandemic with a series of stopgap measures that expanded benefits under the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (Snap), fed children when closed schools suspended free lunches for the most vulnerable and helped food banks obtain groceries.

But several of those programs have ended this year and dramatic inflation has made it even more difficult to afford groceries, leaving many food banks with empty shelves and hungry Americans wondering how to make ends meet.

The Ohio collective’s warehouse was alarmingly empty before the charity dipped into its own funds to buy increasingly expensive items that previously would have been donated or provided by federal programs, said Mike Hochron, senior vice-president of communications for the group. Supply chain problems have made the problem worse: at least 80 truckloads of cereal and pasta have been canceled in the past year, he said.

“The biggest shift is we have to buy a whole lot more,” Hochron said, standing in a cavernous warehouse with shelves of crackers, soap, ground meat, papayas and other grocery items. “In some cases, our buying power is half what it was a couple of years ago.”

Despite similar stories from food banks around the country, direct discussions about food security have been seemingly missing from many political races in battleground states, though Republicans nationally have been campaigning more broadly on inflation and the cost of living, while protecting abortion after the fall of Roe v Wade has been a key issue for Democrats.

In Ohio, for instance, hunger is not mentioned among the key issues on the campaign websites for Senate candidates JD Vance and Tim Ryan, even as they debate issues such as crime that are often caused by hunger. Neither candidate responded to interview requests.

In the Ohio governor’s race, Democratic challenger Nan Whaley has proposed a $350 (£313) “inflation rebate” for most residents, in part to pay for food. Her opponent, Republican incumbent Mike DeWine, does not mention food or hunger on his campaign site.

US politicians have a long history of ignoring hunger as a campaign issue, said Ann Crigler, a political science professor at the University of Southern California. That’s partly because it’s embarrassing and partly because they don’t know how to fix it, she said.

“People don’t want to admit there’s this big problem happening here,” Crigler said. “They act like it’s something that only happens overseas.”

The same absence is true of the campaign platforms of the Pennsylvania candidates John Fetterman and Mehmet Oz, who are locked in a tight Senate race.

Some say it’s hard to imagine hunger not being a key issue in the midterm elections, whether or not candidates are discussing it.

“I think people are more aware today than they were a few years ago about what’s at stake,” said the Massachusetts congressman James McGovern, who helped organize the recent White House Conference on Hunger, Nutrition and Health, the first such gathering since 1969. “Food prices have gone up, fuel costs have gone up. I really do think people get it. We’ll see.”

And yet several food bank clients interviewed across the country said they either don’t plan to vote or wouldn’t take food policies into account if they did.

Kimberly Burkins, who lives in a motel in York, Pennsylvania, supplements her federal food stamps with food from the local Salvation Army, said she nevertheless doesn’t support expanding federal hunger programs.

“I appreciate the assistance, but I don’t think people should be getting free things,” said Burkins, who spent two years on disability benefits and makes just $800 (£716) a month.

The idea that hungry people would vote against their own interests is rooted in society’s broken philosophy of the “undeserving poor”, said Marion Nestle, a retired New York University professor of nutrition, food studies and public health.

“These ingrained attitudes that the poor are undeserving, that they brought it on themselves, that poverty is somehow self-inflicted, are so deeply ingrained in the human psyche that it has to be taught out of you,” Nestle said. “You have to really understand how societies work to understand why some people are poor and some people aren’t.”

Some food bank clients said they understand the distinction. Josh and Misty Murray, parents of three who were waiting in a Ford pickup at the Ohio food bank, said hunger policies would be on their minds at the polls. Both state employees, they started coming to the food bank six months ago after their rent jumped by 15%.

“It’s a hit on your ego, but you do what you gotta do to feed your family,” Josh Murray said. “It was coming down to keeping the lights on or having meals.”

In Larimer county, Colorado, north of Denver, the local food bank has seen a 33% increase in visits to its brick-and-mortar pantries since January and a 67% increase at its mobile pantries, said Amy Pezzani, CEO of the Larimer county food bank. And while clients used to rely on the pantries for about a quarter of their food, many now receive nearly all their food from the charity, Pezzani said.

And while clients previously visited those pantries about once a month, they now average nearly three visits per month, she said.

“In our area, the cost of housing has increased exponentially and has increased much faster than wages,” Pezzani said. Congress should make some of the pandemic measures permanent to prevent even more hunger, she added. “We’re going to need to do more, especially if we keep seeing these increases.”

As in other battleground states, neither Colorado Senate candidate – Michael Bennet or Joe O’Dea – lists hunger prevention as a priority.

Food bank leaders and experts said they hope voters – whether hungry or not – understand the importance of their decisions in November. With a possible recession looming and Congress failing to codify some of the most effective pandemic aid programs, the upcoming elections could dramatically affect hunger in the next year.

About one-third of people without consistent access to food are ineligible for Snap benefits, said Diane Whitmore Schanzenbach, a Northwestern University economics professor. The country needs better policies to keep hungry people from falling through the cracks, she said.

“A lot of these pandemic relief ideas have come and gone,” said Whitmore Schanzenbach, who attended the White House hunger conference. “I wish we would have kept some of them. The child tax credit reduced poverty 50%. Why didn’t we keep it?”

Lisa Ortega, 64, was forced to turn to the Larimer county food bank about three years ago when a series of health problems put her out of work. She lives in a Habitat for Humanity-built house in Loveland, Colorado, and said she hopes voters show a little empathy when they head to the polls.

“People need to look at this and change their ideas,” Ortega said. “Someday they may be in this situation where they have to go to the food bank. It happened to me.”

[radley-rambles]

RATING MY CHICKS

Clucktimus Prime

This wee laddie hatched late and weak - we had to help him out. As the absolute runt of the litter, his fresh-hatched photos are sooooo gawky and weird. We’re talking full eraserhead baby.

He barely ate. He didn’t drink. He couldn’t walk, because his legs hadn’t formed properly. He just lay there and peeped sadly and pooped himself.

But one does not raise multiple tiny dinosaurs if one is a quitter. We fed him on our finges. We wiped his bald little butt. And we wrapped a teeny-tiny shackle around his legs to align the bones properly. Now he’s totally recovered, and spends his days gorging himself and flapping about with the others!

The only problem is, our TLC left him with a serious case of medical trauma.

I mean, I understand. We had to pick him up and wash his poopy bum for him then gently pat him dry. We had to flip him on his back to adjust the shackle while he screamed indignantly at all of us. Multiple times.

Oh, the torment. Oh, the dishonor. How could you mistreat your poor baby so?

As a result, he is having to be veeeeery slowly and gently rehabilitated into loving humans again. But, much like his namesake, I’m sure he will one day come to appreciate that freedom is the right of all sentient beings. Even us.

10/10, Captain America whomst???

#

Eggatron

Supreme leader.

Biggest of the lot. Oldest, too - he hatched a whole 24 hours early, so we had to take him out of the incubator and fluff him up and feed him while the others were still pecking through their eggs. Which meant he got handled a whole lot from the get-go. Which means he thinks he’s people. He WILL climb on your lap and you WILL pet him. This is non-negotiable.

11/10

#

Ratchick

Anxiety, thy name is Ratchick.

Thinks she’s camouflaged because she has woodland colouring, but forgets that she spends half her time in a cage in our living room. We can see you, buddy.

Knocking off a few points because she’s the loudest screecher of the lot. I am now 97% more likely to develop hearing loss and it’s entirely this chicken’s fault.

7/10

#

Bantambee

Baby.

20/10

#

Starsquawk

Oh yeah, she looks real cute. Sure, she runs right up to you whenever you open the cage and hops onto your hand. Okay, she snuggles into your warmth and looks up at you with big beautiful eyes.

And then she poops on you.

She poops everywhere.

This hen is a professional shitsassin. She poops viciously and without remorse. Down your sleeve, on your hand, every chance she gets.

Then she screams, bites you and run away.

5/10, she’s awful but I love her and I will let her poop on me again

#

Rejected puns: Archeep, Pfowl (Prowl), Thunderquacker (wrong bird), Skysquawk, Cycl-hen-us, Cockwave (I’m sorry)

[odetoviscera]

Liveblogging Mission: Impossible 3, Lens Flare-ily

BACK. BACK AGAIN. THE MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE. THE ETHAN: HUNTED MAYBE I ASSUME??? THEMATIC COLOUR BASED ON THE PARAMOUNT+ BANNER: COOL BLUE.

i think these are just getting longer. liveblogging below.

this movie released in 2006, when i was sixteen and therefore very likely to have seen it. i have the vague impression that i did. i still don’t remember anything specific about it, but we’ll see if any Buried Memories resurface during this viewing lol

paramount logo now comes with Vaguely Sinister Sounds

oop, i hear ethan getting electrocuted

and oh BOY is he looking rough. my boy :( we’re in media res i guess lol. “we’ve put an explosive charge in your head.” i bet you’re wondering how i got into this mess--

is that philip seymour hoffman??? yes it is, as our villain for the piece, one assumes. you don’t waste philip seymour hoffman on your cold open only villain who never shows up again lol

“you’re gonna tell me where the rabbit’s foot is or she dies” so firstly: obviously The Villain has made an accurate assessment of Ethan Hunt’s Survival Instincts. secondly: whomst? whomst this? “jules” apparently.

ethan goes from “we can talk like gentlemen”-- shot of a goon with a broken nose that i assume ethan gave him here, btw, which: split second of levity, thank you movie-- to RATTLING THE CHAINS ON HIS CHAIR LIKE A DOG ON A CHOKE CHAIN between the villain counting from two to three. i am. FULL OF CONCERN. movie has done a genuinely good job setting a High Stress Threshold from the word go lol

OOF villain just shot hostage lady in i think the knee? it went pretty fast. either way he is Not Impressed with ethan’s attempts at negotiation.

you know i am genuinely not sure ethan actually knows what villain guy wants? he seems to be legitimately losing his mind about hostage lady, i’m not sure he’d still be prevaricating by this point. sometimes he surprises me though!

HMM. got to count of ten, and i’m not sure if that was a gunshot or the Mission Impossible Match Lighting for the opening! will be interested to see if we’re going back in time or if this was the Trauma Setup for the film

so who’s our director on this-- oh it’s JJ ABRAMS? where is this in his filmography… huh, i guess this was his directorial debut in film. he’d previously worked as a director in tv on alias and lost, though-- alias is presumably what got him this one. okay, so i should expect lens flare and, ugh, “mystery boxes” lol

and the credits end with I THINK hostage lady jules opening her fridge. kind of hard to tell without the duct tape lol. but i believe this means we’re in Flashback Territory

oh ethan is kissing on her. look at that smile! one must imagine ethan hunt happy

okay her family’s over. awww, ethan: “it’s going well right?” i wonder if this is the first time he’s meeting her whole family or? regardless he is seeking Validation. insecure ethan hunt. bless.

oh it’s their engagement party! but yes it seems like this is the first time they’re meeting him. whirlwind romance?

“ethan doesn’t have his parents anymore either”-- i guess his mom died between movies?

dfklha;ldkfha;slkh ethan boring everyone at the party with his “i work at the department of transportation” cover lol

dfl;kkhas;ldkfha;lskh okay the ladies are in the kitchen gossiping and i am PRETTY SURE ethan is reading their lips from across the room lol

jules is a nurse! and apparently they met while skydiving or something lol, which based on ethan’s Freeclimbing Hobby i guess does track as something he’d do in his freetime, but DOES also open the possibility that they met on a job. i’m undecided on whether she Knows™ lol

this is all very wholesome, even without the cold open i’d know it was doomed

phone call “is this mr. ethan hunt��� and he doesn’t Get It immediately despite the Sinister Tone bc he’s in Happy Ethan Cover Mode.

aaaand the penny drops. “all-expenses paid trip to mexico”

ethan: chucks the ice out the back door

ethan: oh nooo we ran out of ice i’ll go get some

listen i don’t know enough about cars to tell you what kind this is, but it is a Dad Car. ethan hunt is engaging Dad Mode before he even gets married

omg they even have a DOG. does the dog die??? hang on i have to know this before i become emotionally attached-- okay per doesthedogdie.com NO. THE DOG IS SAFE.

anyway i can’t believe The Local 7/11 is where ethan has meetings with his handler lol. oh hm ethan is Training Operatives now instead of working, apparently. this seems like a positive career move! i’m sure it won’t last!

“agent farris” is missing-- that’s not nyah is it? …no, nyah is nordoff-hall. someone else ethan trained, presumably. (speaking of which, what happened with nyah?)

and of course ethan can’t resist at least Retrieving the mission brief hidden in the disposable camera lol. oh good lord, i figured it would just be on the film reel, no, this thing has an IRIS SCANNER, someone introduce me to imf’s q, who is the silly bastard inventing these

oh we got a name for villain guy now, “owen davian”-- has farris hostage, they aren’t disavowing her bc they want her intel, apparently.

new team!

declan gormley-- sorry about your name my guy-- is an “aviation machinist” (so probably our pilot) and a sysop engineer, so probably also our hacker

zhen lei is a “lan computer networker”-- …sure-- with “combat assault skills” which should come in handy even if ethan is now specced more for soldiering than he used to be

luther! love to see you but why haven’t you retired with your bajillion dollars yet. also why are there so many hackers on this team. anyway, he’s also got “artillery equipment specialist” listed in his credentials, which i assume is from that one time he fired a bazooka at a car chasing ethan last movie lol

“this message, let’s call it my excellent engagement gift to you--” dhf;lakhd;flkhas dude. no.

i will say the latest imf bigwig seems less infuriating than the last two, even if he is Dragging Ethan Out Of Retirement. it is an “if you choose to accept it”! i mean ethan will, inevitably, accept it, bc he’s Himself, but there’s at least a hypothetical out.

ethan’s having nightmares :( 

and yep, now he’s telling julia he’ll have to “go on a business trip”. although he tells her it’ll only be for a night, which is probably over-optimistic of him.

LUTHER!!!! he is exuding Competence and Confidence which is an interesting change of pace from him, lol, he’s often been a bit Anxious in the previous two movies. not about his skills, but about like. The Inherent Dangers Of The Job. i guess this is Older Wiser Luther lol

and it looks like we’re going STRAIGHT into the extraction, no setup, so uh. i’m not sure it’s gonna go well. also, first of the Really Noticeable Lens Flares lol

i will say, egregious lens flares notwithstanding lol, this is actually really well lit for a night scene. you remember when films used to LIGHT for dark scenes instead of just doing them IN the dark? those were the days

okay this is an interesting exchange between ethan and luther. luther says “you know i got your six.” and ethan’s response is just “hey, man. that’s your job.” which, objectively speaking, is TRUE-- but there’s a beat afterwards where they just look at each other before they move on. i’m not sure if this is some kind of unresolved tension from ethan having gotten out of field work for a while, if this is luther alluding to ethan’s tendency from the last movie to go into situations without the POSSIBILITY of backup, if luther is trying to remind ethan that he’s got a Full (and Fully Trained) team for possibly the first time since the first movie, if luther is trying to remind ethan that they’re FRIENDS and being kind of gently rebuffed bc this is a high-stakes field operation… unclear.

anyway luther has gotten Four Computer-Operated Guns that he can run from the safety of his little combat van setup, lol.

lkafd;lkfh;alsh okay listen. luther has heat-vision on the building. okay. i’ll buy it. luther locates a heat-signature that appears to be sitting in a slightly reclined position that looks uncomfortable and probably like restraint-- cool! that’s probably our hostage! but the computer then announcing “target match” with “VASCULAR ID CONFIRMED”-- that! is not! how that works!

okay so real quick: vascular pattern recognition is real, blood vessel patterns are about as unique as fingerprints and iris patterns, but significantly harder to counterfeit bc they’re Beneath The Skin. but you DO NOT identify vascular patterns by heat signature, they ARE NOT analyses of the entire vascular system of the body, they usually FUNCTION LIKE FINGERPRINT SCANNERS, bc they assess the blood vessel patterns beneath the skin of a fingertip. it’s a photographic comparison between the database pattern and the registered pattern, which is scanned with infrared leds and fancy cameras. it’s only more secure than a fingerprint bc of the Beneath The Skin part. don’t ask me why i know this, i write fanfiction, you just pick these things up. THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!

look at some more lens flare. also i need you to know that the yellow lights on the left side are flickering in time with the fluttering cymbal in the score.

fh;alksdhf;lakkh luther, mid-op, “at some point we gotta go over this whole getting married thing.” luther is demanding to know if julia is good enough for his ethan lol i’m guessing he’s grumpy he wasn’t consulted

hmm, they’re drugging farris with something, “give her 10ccs more”-- oh hey, the one creepily petting her hair is the goon with the future broken nose, btw. deserved.

blow some charges and luther is lighting this place UP with his four guns lol. this seems like it might be SLIGHTLY risky with ethan and a hostage inside, but i assume they’re accounted for in the targeting ranges

ethan takes down one goon with a short burst, so he’s upgraded from hand guns to something more robust. he just gets Shootier and Shootier each movie lol

farris gets an adrenaline shot so that she can participate in her own rescue, i assume-- hopefully that doesn’t interact too badly with whatever she’s drugged with

i haven’t seen enough of the new teammates to really get a sense of them yet but zhen admittedly looks cool as hell moving through the facility towards her objective lol. i can’t get a decent screengrab of this bc the lights are flashing constantly, the cuts are too fast, and paramount+ won’t let me scroll frame by frame but just trust me that she is cool and we love a woman in military gear. also she VERY narrowly avoids getting blown up by a grenade by flinging herself out a window.

uh-oh, farris is telling ethan to turn off his transmitter so she can talk to him Privately. that’s ominous, especially Mid-Rescue while the building is full of holes

they were interrupted by a firefight, and farris’ adrenaline has definitely kicked in! looks like ethan trained her well

the intel (?) that zhen came for has been slightly blown up, hopefully still useful

fkha;ldkfh;lakshdf;lkah

lindsey: i’m out, how many rounds you got?

ethan, making The Most Concerned Unconcerned Face: …………Enough

also he makes like a thousand tiny flinching faces while he’s gearing up to take his One Shot, which Must Kill This Man bc “enough” means “one bullet”, which makes it extremely clear how much his blase “now i’m out :|”

after said shot does kill said man is a FUCKING MASK. ethan hunt knows half his reputation is cool one-liners after he does something absurd and that that’s the part people will remember, and he plays into that ON PURPOSE bc his previous job role was BEING THE FACE. i am begging everyone on earth to remember that this man’s SECOND career is soldier, and he came from THE THEATRE OF ESPIONAGE. he is a dramatic bitch INTENTIONALLY to ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING.

one INCREDIBLY hot extraction on the top of luther’s van later, and everybody’s getting on the helicopter without farris getting to have her solo talk with ethan-- aaaaand now she’s complaining of a sudden intense headache, which probably means her head is about to explode ala “we’ve put an explosive charge in your head” from the cold open

…uhoh, declan-- i was right, he is our pilot-- is hesitating to take off, and i hear another helicopter approaching-- yeah, that’s a gunship. and alas it does not get taken out by the van blowing up, so they’re being pursued-- through a field of wind turbines which is an interesting visual AND an interesting tactic by declan

oh my god so much lens flare though lol. the music is getting increasingly ominous

they've located the bomb in farris' head! according to ethan’s little magic scanner device, it contains at least nitroglycerin and magnesium, and it looks about the size of a pill, so… possibly her head does not explode as such, just. burn from the inside out.

declan doing some VERY tight maneuvering to dodge some missiles. luther is leaning out the side of the helicopter with a handgun apparently hoping he can use it to shoot down a gunship lol. MAYBE if he can get a shot through the windscreen???

….okay so ethan’s plan for dealing with the explosive is to shock farris with the defibrillator-- i’m kind of unclear on whether the plan is to use the defib on the chest as intended or like. on her HEAD. hopefully the former lol

second missile fired-- ah, okay, it looks like luther’s gun was actually a flare gun, he’s just fired it in an attempt to divert the missile ala firing chaff. which works! shears a turbine blade off into a field of very alarmed sheep lol

third missile lock, and declan just went BETWEEN THE BLADES of a wind turbine, which the following gunship really should not have attempted lol, it got crunched like tinfoil. we love to see that imf competence on display-- which their AGENTS typically do! their organization as a whole, less so

aaand the aed’s thirty-second charging window was just slightly too long and farris’ charge has detonated in her brain. relatively bloodless, although her eyes get kind of fucked up, which i will do you the favour of not screencapping

this is the face of ethan hunt about to go on the warpath, by the way

ethan hunt returning to his nice domestic life after a mission that ended in complete failure despite everyone technically doing a spectacular job

aaand putting the mask on for the almost-wife. there was a MOMENT where he wasn’t caught up and he still looked lost and devastated, and she caught it-- bc of course she did-- and he couldn’t tell her what it was about, so-- The Patented Ethan Hunt Grin comes on. this is almost extra tragic? bc like… clearly he doesn’t want his spy life to overlap with his wife life. understandable (hi cold open) and probably unavoidable, given she wouldn’t have clearance to know 99% of it anyway. but just the emotional distance between Party Ethan who seemed genuinely happy and excited and nervous in that Border Collie way-- meeting new people! being nice to them! getting his girlfriend’s brother a beer! “it’s going well, right?”-- and this ethan, who is papering over his hurt bc he can’t afford to show her what it’s about.

and you can see she doesn’t entirely buy it, either. if she survives this movie, that’s going to become an ongoing source of conflict.

oh i take it back, apparently laurence fishburne is the REAL IMF brass of this movie, and he sucks just as much as the rest of them lol. “i read your training brief on agent farris. the words you used were “beyond capable.” that still stand, mr hunt?” fuck you dude, like ya’ll don’t lose agents left and right around here

oof, yep, the intel did get fried by the grenade, which is not making the imf any happier. not, to be clear, that i want the imf to be happy. fuck the imf ethan, GO FREELANCE, these people have sucked in EVERY MOVIE

oof, farris was his First Ever recommendation for field duty. no wonder this is hitting him like a train

hmm, ethan just got a call at farris’ funeral asking for a “mr. kelvin” which must be one of his cover identities, since he answers to it. apparently farris-- or “farris”-- sent him a postcard from berlin. the postcard has no text-- it has a “microdot”, per luther’s examination, but there’s nothing on THAT either. Mysterious™

luther just asked if there was anything going on between ethan and farris-- honestly, fair question, given his track record with hooking up with the ladies he works with lol, although in at least one case that was a honeytrap working on him lol-- and ethan reports that she was “like his little sister”, which-- aww, and also :( 

fla;ksdhf;laskh;lkh ethan @ luther “remember when you were sweet? can you remember that far back?” ETHAN IT WAS AT MOST TWO MOVIES AGO. arguably last movie, no i am not over his little terrified teary voice when ethan is doing dumb shit lol

new character! benji, who i have gathered from @leupagus is part of the Ongoing Team-- currently he is apparently a desk tech at imf who is complaining that the hard drives they recovered are fried lol. ethan already knows him, which is interesting.

flkahdl;fkhasl he did recover something from the Fried Drives anyway lol, so i guess he just wanted to complain. specifically he’s uncovered that davian is going to be at the vatican, and also that he’s there to get The Rabbit’s Foot (of cold open fame)

benji is one of those “tell a rambling story to get around to the point” people lol

interesting, ethan is trying to get musgrave-- the guy i originally thought was the imf brass of the movie, not technically ethan’s handler since ethan technically isn’t doing field work lol, i think he called himself a branch manager or something at some point-- “deniability” on the operation he’s about to undertake based on benji’s find. meaning he’s trying to protect musgrave’s reputation after it took a ding from the failure to recover farris.

ethan letting julia know he’s going to be “away on business” again, this time for TWO days. he interrupted her at work to have this conversation on, apparently, the roof of the hospital she works at, which is an interesting choice lol. she is Not Happy About It and asking for explanations which i can’t imagine he’s going to give her.

alskdhf;laskhdf;lkash;lkh she asks for reassurance that their relationship is real and he’s like “you know what fuck it let’s get married Right Now in the hospital chapel”. they have to use some little plastic rings he got in the gift shop or something lol. adorable. i’m love them.

aaaaand time to break into the vatican! plan: kidnap davian (and also get his buyers, which i’m assuming means ethan will be pulling out a Davian Face Mask at some point)

this is their hilariously analogue solution to not being able to loop a static shot to a vatican cctv camera. hopefully ethan didn’t get a bird in the frame lol

also he’s now dressed up as a priest and i would love to know how uncomfortable it was to keep those robes wrapped up inside the worker jumpsuit he was wearing earlier

i’m guessing this is zhen who’s underwater breaking into a vent, and it looks like declan has had his own costume change into a tourist!

actually come to think of it, how does this whole team from the failed op have time to do ethan’s off-the-books operation? how frequently do imf agents get work? we know the imf keeps tabs on them, from that time they tracked ethan down during his freeclimbing vacation, so the imf surely Knows they’re all in the vatican, and that would be suspicious even without whatever equipment they requisitioned-- surely they don’t just own all of this shit themselves-- and especially with them all having been on a failed op together like. last week. so either the imf is spectacularly incompetent-- totally possible-- or they’re aware of this operation and tacitly approve bc it means they can just DOUBLE disavow everyone if it goes wrong

oh it was luther underwater! i assumed he was in the van. this begs the question of where zhen is-- ah, i hear her teasing declan lol-- they have her in a Very pretty car, although bright orange makes me suspect this is a decoy rather than a getaway vehicle lol

alksdhf;lkash;lkah luther and ethan just blew a hole in a wall of the vatican catacombs. way to destroy some irreplaceable art history boys lol

ma’am you didn’t have to slay me like this but thank you

ooooh are we going to get to see how they make the plastic face masks???

dflaksjdf;lkahs luther is trying to patch things up with ethan about him being snippy about ethan’s engagement. WAIT until he hears ethan is already married lol.

luther: a normal relationship isn’t possible for people like us ethan: i don’t agree with that luther: then i’m smarter than you

LUTHER YOU DON’T HAVE TO ROAST HIM LIKE THAT (pls continue it’s very entertaining)

The Facemaskification Process-- put a big plastic sheet over the dummy head, input a bunch of photos of the target face at various angles, i’m unclear if these are lasers or saws but Something cuts away the plastic to match

luther has ethan as a captive audience while they prep for him to pretend to be davian, so he’s continuing to harangue ethan about his relationship lol. “23 months” is his estimate for how long it’ll last, which is Suspiciously Specific, luther, you projecting a bit babe?

Continued Facemaskification: airbrushing the colours from the same photos. this raises some questions about lighting-- both in terms of the lighting the source photos are taken in-- does the mask hold up to the same scrutiny under different lighting conditions than the source photos?-- and things like subsurface scatter, which presumably wouldn’t work with a mask that’s built like this one seems to be. obviously you can paint a facsimile of subsurface scatter, but again, that won’t hold up under various lighting conditions. many questions remain.

lol luther is continuing to try to talk ethan out of this by telling him how much he’s going to screw up the girl, and ethan finally breaks in with “jules and i got married two days ago.”-- which is an interesting timeline note, by the way-- and luther after a beat is just “..........congratulations.”

zhen has just dumped red wine on davian to divert him to a bathroom lol

very creepy ethan lol

ah, and now we get a look at how the vocoder gets set up the first time-- he’s having davian read a phonetic passage to collect voice samples to clone. idk how accurate that was to 2006, but voice cloning ai is actually pretty achievable today-- unfortunately, for deepfake reasons.

ksdhf;lkashd;lflkah okay so post-kidnapping switcheroo the cover to get ethan/”davian” away from his bodyguards is to have zhen offer to “wash his shirt”/offer sexual favours and having “davian” take her up on it lol. which, i’ll grant you, he seems plausibly like that kind of creep and zhen looks. uh. listen we’d all follow her to a hotel room is what i’m saying.

fajhdlfas;lkh the center console in zhen’s car rolls back so they can all exfil into the sewers-- meaning the bodyguards can’t even follow her car. “what’s up”

and then they BLOW UP THE CAR, which is going to a) have vatican security Swarming, and b) davian’s bodyguards (and anyone else who knows him) will now think he’s dead!

lovely full team shot zipping away on a speedboat. ethan has “dad taking the kids on a joyride” energy lol

and we’re only halfway into the movie so can’t wait to see how this unqualified success goes spectacularly tits-up

fakhdl;fkhas;ldkh musgrave just claimed to be aware the operation was happening, presumably to give ETHAN cover from the brass for going off-book (well, also to get credit)-- you boys need to coordinate better on who is covering for who

davian Starts Off this interrogation with “do you have a wife, girlfriend? bc i’m going to hurt her” which like. accurate from the cold open. apparently he thinks his best strategy is to Antagonize his captor, which, well, it’s a choice lol

ethan responds, as you might expect, by threatening to dump davian out of a moving plane if he doesn’t get the information he wants. luther has to talk him down-- “this isn’t you”, which is interesting, bc i would have said that was true TWO movies ago, m:i ethan avoided conflict like the plague, but m:i 2 ethan MIGHT have pulled a stunt like this. and of course now in mi:3, ethan is Emotionally Compromised by losing his protege and having a Very New Wife to worry about. which might ultimately be the real reason that romantic relationships outside of the intelligence community are unwise.

luther ultimately does talk him down, but it’s a close thing. (and davian a) doesn’t talk, and b) heard ethan’s first name when luther was pleading with him not to lose his single strand of chill.)

davian gets picked up in an armoured vehicle into imf custody, but given we’re following its progress i doubt he’ll stay in it long enough to get to a detainment facility

on the drive luther has apparently gotten farris’ microdot file decrypted and sent back to him! let’s see what was so important-- OOOOOH, she traced a call to davian from laurence fishburne’s office at the imf. can’t trust any of these motherfuckers

and yep, the convoy’s going-- looks like they’re being attacked by missiles of some kind. (ah, there’s a fighter (? very small silhouette) in the air, that’s probably where the missiles came from, so air-to-surface rather than rocket-propelled) lots of civilian traffic also getting caught as collateral, and they’re on a bridge, so could very well be a collapse coming. 

jeez, and a HELICOPTER. they’ve certainly got air coverage locked down

(zhen and declan are both here and trying to help, but i mean. options are pretty slim.)

ethan shouts at all the civilians to get down as the heli squad starts firing indiscriminately onto the bridge-- at least once woman gets shot, luther goes out to try to get her into cover, and ethan takes off to try to get a good shot to do something Useful with his handgun Versus A Helicopter with multiple armed combatants onboard

oh interesting, he’s trying to get davian out of the truck-- presumably to hold him hostage so the helicopter will stop shooting at civilians. no dice, they just shot the driver, and they make those trucks hard to break into for, you know, the obvious reasons

fa;lkdhf;lah ethan’s got to crawl back into his Flipped Truck, which is one good shove away from falling through a hole in the bridge, to get a gun that can actually do shit to a helicopter

heli squad has dropped onto the bridge to extract davian, this foam presumably will either explode or eat through the side-- huh, looks like it sort of flash-froze, i assume so they can shatter the metal somehow

ah okay, the “fighter” is a drone being piloted from the helicopter

ethan nearly gets blown up and DOES get to bodyslam a car. this after the car crash from the initial missile impacts. this boy is coming out with broken ribs and a concussion minimum, he’s lucky his wife is a nurse

ethan gets his new gun put together and manages to take out the drone, which ALMOST but not quite dings one of the helicopters (which, i hadn’t realized there were two until now, scenes have been a little disjointed) on its way down

ethan makes a FLYING leap across the destroyed bridge-- gratuitous lens flare again lol-- unfortunately doesn’t quite make his jump, manages to hold on to some rubble so he doesn’t tumble into the water but it slows his pursuit of davian, who is now being hustled to a helicopter

ethan manages to fire a few rounds at the helicopter on its way by, but no dice, davian is in the wind (literally). ethan calls home right away bc i guess he assumes davian can have her kidnapped Instantaneously-- which apparently is true, bc julia isn’t home and her brother (apparently crashing at their house lol) asks ethan if “his friend” found him and that he told “some english guy” that julia might know where ethan was and to try her at the hospital. soooo great job rick, your sister’s maybe gonna die.

ethan has requisitioned the least-crashed car on the bridge, which seems fair under the circumstances, although i’m sure the owner-- if they aren’t shot-- will have other opinions

oh julia’s not kidnapped yet! she’s still at work, that’s why she’s not answering ethan’s calls

okay the receptionist at the hospital knowing ethan well enough to respond to his very abrupt “I Need To Talk To Julia” with “hey honey, i’ll transfer you” is adorable

…Some English guy just stuck a Mysterious Yellow Dot (which will make her pass out momentarily i’m sure) to julia’s arm and her reaction is just :)? what’s that? sweetheart… no… develop an aversion to people putting things on you without your permission…

oof, ethan literally passes right by Julia On A Gurney being taken out of the hospital, but of course Some English Guy has her under a sheet, so he doesn’t realize

and davian calls to give ethan a “julia’s life for the rabbit’s foot” 48 hour ultimatum. problematic given ethan still doesn’t know what the hell that is, although he does at least tell ethan that the location is in the case they got with davian.

aaand of course this is the moment the imf rolls up to take ethan into custody, so yet again he’s about to be at odds with his own organization. i’ll say it again, ethan: GO. FREELANCE.

this is really gonna cut into his 48 hour timeline also why the fuck have they MUZZLED HIM

laurence fishburne of course is saying Some Bullshit, musgrave of course is nodding along like “yes sir of course sir ethan hunt is a traitor sir”-- ACTUALLY, stray thought. farris didn’t hear laurence fishburne talk to davian, she just knows the call came from his office, which seems to be the same building musgrave works in. musgrave making calls from his boss’ office, perhaps?

hmm, musgrave is mouthing to ethan silently so ethan can read his lips without the rest of the office picking it up, and then slips him something to get out of his restraints. this does not make him less suspicious, if he’s working with davian he has a motive to want ethan out and hunting the rabbit’s foot.

captain america stole his elevator fight scene from ethan hunt. except ethan’s doing it while still half-tied to a gurney, so who really wins here?

escape into the elevator shaft, shockingly well-lit lol

fha;lkdhf;alskhdlk brassel (laurence fishburne, i’ve finally learned his name lol) hearing His Own Voice giving orders he hasn’t given over the radio. ethan works fast. why he has a voice strip with brassel’s voice encoded on its easily to hand i don’t know, but it’s better than last movie when he did a full outfit swap, vocoder, and face mask switcheroo with the villain’s not-boyfriend

oh huh looks like the imf facility is actually underneath the department of transportation, that’s where that cover story comes from lol. df;lkha;ldkfh;lak and ethan ditches his radio next to a boombox so the only thing on the imf security channel is sister sledge playing “we are family” lol

musgrave apparently directed the entire team to the same shanghai apartment he told ethan to go to on Rabbit’s Foot duty

the team settles in to debate their entrance strategies and ethan, Of Course, chooses the roof access lol. he’s gonna Jump from one building to the target building. well, swing, but still. and the basejump from the building to exfil lol

we are at 2 hours until the Julia Dies ultimatum

ethan looking very brooding and cool, and presumably doing math in his head about the velocity and angles he needs to hit if he doesn’t want to unceremoniously splatter on a roof. luther gives him a pep talk which is very matter-of-fact and does not allow for the plan to go sideways, which, like. it will, but we appreciate the solidarity. luther, yet again, for best boy.

awww, ethan thanks luther for coming and luther’s response is “that’s my job.” CALL BACK TO THE WEIRD MOMENT FROM THE FARRIS OP, whatever that weird tension was-- probably about julia, considering the rest of the movie-- it has been Resolved in the midst of this Crisis.

julia if you survive this movie you should have No Doubts about this man’s love for you ever again lol

oof, at the terminus of the swing he still has like a twenty foot drop ONTO A GLASS ROOF which he is now sliding directly down. ethan. babe. i know time is short and options are limited but pls.

catches himself on the gutter and literally says “...okay” in the most strangled voice lol. oh, more lens flare. honestly there’s been so much i can’t even call it out specifically lol

luther: he made it! he made it! ….i knew he’d make it I TOLD YOU HE WAS STILL SWEET ETHAN.

we aren’t even seeing ethan’s actual theft of the rabbit’s foot, we’re watching the team outside wait for him and count down the minutes, which is a fascinating choice that i actually really like. we’ve seen ethan do impressive spy shit, none of that’s new. watching the new team react to ethan’s radio silence, that IS new. luther is trying to maintain chill. declan is Fretting. zhen is apparently PRAYING under her breath. (apparently a prayer she’d say to bring home her Lost Cat as a kid, which-- love you zhen, pls stick around for next movie.) flkah;dlkfha;lkh aww, declan asks her to teach him the Lost Cat Prayer, presumably bc he needs Some Kind Of Distraction-- they get interrupted by ethan finally coming back on the line (things have, predictably, gone pear-shaped) but it’s a cute moment

so, ethan’s base jumping From The Roof was already going to be cutting it very close on the lower limits of height for that-- he instead jumps out a window like halfway down the building, which means if he hits the ground he will do it Hard-- so instead he crashes into the window of, i think, a different building, although it’s unclear how intentional that was given how much drag he was fighting

oop, his chute is about to drag him back out the window lol. having been dragged around campus by my own portfolio getting caught in a wind tunnel-- my sympathies, ethan, you belong to the north wind now

his chute catches on a streetlight, which does him the favour of not splattering him, although it does drop him into oncoming traffic-- that truck driver is a hero for not obliterating him or spinning out and slamming into every other vehicle on the road btw

team picks him up and they’re now in a highspeed car chase with building security while ethan tries to make the call to davian to tell him he’s got the rabbit’s foot

oh noooo zhen got hit. that better be a flesh wound ma’am we’ve had enough women dying this franchise thanks

apparently ethan decided the angles INSIDE the car weren’t good enough and he’s sick of being shot at. being the Best Spy, he of course manages to blow the pursuit vehicle's tires, so they're home free!

musgrave still so suspicious. “go secure” ethan says, “we are” musgrave says, sir. that’s your cellphone and you didn’t do literally anything, if that’s secure i’ll EAT your phone. anyway, ethan is calling to tell him that he’s tagged the rabbit’s foot so that the imf can retrieve it after ethan makes the exchange with davian. which, if anyone at the imf is both competent and not a traitor-- A BIG ASK, I AM AWARE-- means the cold open should have some cavalry coming, hypothetically

the team Reluctantly lets ethan go off to make his Solo Handoff/get captured

ethan at the drop point gets into a vehicle and on instructions from Some English Guy also Drinks A Mystery Vial, which i’m sure will go great for him

interestingly it appears to be making him hallucinate being intimate with julia, and then we wake up in the cold open!

so yeah, it seems like ethan legitimately thought he’d given the rabbit’s foot to davian and his confusion and prevariation here are bc he legitimately doesn’t know how to fix this

meanwhile the team has arrived home to uh. This on the landing strip

well. it WAS indeed a gunshot. and julia does now seem to be dead.

One Must Imagine Ethan Hunt Happy

and in comes musgrave i KNEW IT you little rat

oh ooof. “it’s complicated. you can’t just open the canister. we had to be sure you brought the real thing. now we know.” so LITERALLY he brought you what you wanted, and you killed julia For Show.

unfathomable that ethan hunt is not fully deranged by the end of this movie. i would be eating musgrave’s bone marrow by the end of the runtime.

…gross, but apparently that is some other RANDOM woman-- actually i think it’s davian’s other bodyguard, which, not great benefits there-- they just killed with a julia mask on? i guess that’s good for ethan but also What The Fuck???

ah, bc musgrave is using her as further leverage to find out What Farris Knew.

flkha;lfkhd;lkfahs;lhkds musgrave is complaining that brassel is an “affirmative action poster boy” DUDE YOUR MOTIVE IS JUST RACISM? RACISM AND JEALOUSY? YOU WHINY LITTLE PISSBABY SIT DOWN

“and when the sand settles, our country will do what it does best. cleanup. infrastructure. democracy wins.” god were people really buying that in 2006. i guess that was only five years after 9/11, nationalism was High and the bush admin was still in place. anyway, Yet More Racism from this twerp

ethan asks for a phone call to confirm that julia is alive. amusingly, the fact that julia can remember what the lake is called means it’s Much Less Likely to actually be her on the phone, given she couldn’t remember it during The Party

i see now why they muzzled him lol

huh, ethan called benji as his first point of contact once he’s knocked out musgrave and gotten out of his restraints

benji goes from “you’re on interpol’s most wanted! i’m hanging up!” to “i’m going to lose my citizenship over you” in the space of like thirty seconds and ethan doesn’t even say PLEASE lol

lol benji is being ethan’s on-call gps service. he is doing this At Work, by the way, at the organization that currently wants ethan’s head on a stick, so he keeps having to pause to make Pleasant Office Noises at his coworkers lol. also featuring: The Ethan Sprint

jkhfjkhskdfak a couple of little old chinese men took one look at ethan gasping and bleeding in the doorway and ratted out the villain’s location

aaand while looking around he promptly knocks a bunch of shit off a table. guess those concussions are finally catching up to you, babe. but we’ve found julia!

unfortunately at exactly THAT moment, davian remembers he put a bomb in ethan’s head

well, if he can win this fight with davian while his brain is about to fry, at least his wife is a nurse! she can probably shock him both to death and back to life! if there’s an aed around! which i haven’t seen one, but for plot reasons, probably is somewhere!

ethan has, as per tradition, engaged Emergency Fight Mode at the threat to a loved one! i don’t know why these villains keep threatening people he cares about, it goes SO MUCH WORSE than when they just threaten him

dfl;kha;ldkfha;l okay rolling davian on top of him and into the path of an oncoming vehicle is novel and definitely ends the fight quickly, which is good given ethan has a couple of minutes before his brain melts. also honestly refreshing after the like fifteen-minute fight with the main antagonist of the last movie

fha;lkdhfl;aksh;l ethan hands julia his gun, tells her it’s a very accurate close range weapon, and then immediately follows up with “don’t point it at me” lol

he’s a good teacher! giving julia instructions about how to use the gun that mirror things she’s done at home-- “shove the new mag in like the batteries in the flashlight in the kitchen”. also he is clearly setting up a diy electrocution, which, well, it’s not like he’s got a better option, apparently this don’t use defibrillators at whatever sketchy back alley clinic this is

and of course AS SOON as julia flips the switch to short out the bomb/shock him to death, someone starts shooting at her so she can’t immediately start resuscitation. so ethan is now lying dead on the floor (it’s! temporary!!!) and julia has been promoted to Action Girl!

aaaand since she’s a brain death time limit with ethan, she does NOT wait for the goon to come to her, she just figures out where he is, pops up, and empties an ENTIRE mag into him lol

oooh! and then turned around and did the same to musgrave! well done ma’am, marriage material indeed

now the Sad CPR

also ethan goes from Dead to Firing Position in the space of One Heartbeat

lol sees musgrave dead on the floor and his response is “you did that? …wow” in this very admiring tone lol while julia is still reeling from him not being dead

and yeah ethan kind of has to spill the beans to her at this point lol

apparently the white house is now asking for ethan directly and by name

hey, julia gets to meet the team!

and off they go on their honeymoon!

alright MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3 COMPLETE. about as much lens flare as i expected, only “mystery box” that i detected was that no one ever fessed up about what the fuck “the rabbit’s foot” was supposed to be for, but for the purposes of this particular film it doesn’t really matter, it’s just a plot macguffin.

i did not, in fact, remember a single goddamn thing about this movie lol

ethan gets physically put through a wringer in this film, this might be the most cumulatively beaten up he’s been so far. i didn’t make a count or anything, but he’s got probably more than one concussion, multiple broken ribs, has to have sprained every joint in his body, wouldn’t be surprised if he’s fucked up his spine, and also he was dead for a few minutes after electrocuting himself with an unknown voltage.

on the other hand, this is the happiest we might have ever seen him! also the most despairing. dichotomy of ethan. i’m glad julia didn’t die! not just bc she’s good for ethan, she also seems cool in her own right, i’m hoping that unlike nyah she’ll stick around for further movies.

actually i would like to keep this whole team! declan and zhen were fun in the screentime they got. benji was fun and they could use somebody at the home office who isn’t a Complete Twit.

i still think they should all go freelance. luther’s done it before! and the imf keeps fucking ethan in particular over! and apparently their ranks are absolutely RIDDLED with traitors who want to work with black marketeers lol.

i’m not sure ethan’s Ethan Stunts here should contribute to the Does Ethan Have A Death Wish conversation, bc in this particular film most of them are motivated by Trying To Save Julia and he’s clearly at the end of his mental and emotional rope from the moment she’s taken. it is, admittedly, probably not healthy for him to hinge so much of his sense of security and comfort on one person, but it’s too late now.

8.5/10, the style was a little too frenetic to keep track of the action all the time and the lens flare was exactly as much too much as you’d expect, but the story was solid except for the rabbit’s foot contrivance being a little too meta-textually irrelevant for my tastes and there was a lot of good Pathos in ethan finally trying and failing to settle down, and good performances from everybody.

would watch zhen swan around in a red dress again.

[lies]

The GQ coda is excellent. But boy, is that Variety article slanted in favor of the AMPTP or what? No real coverage of the union case other than a brief allusion to their “demands”; lots of sympathetic coverage of the noble CEO and his quest to bring the light of creativity and storytelling back to the masses once negotiations are able to resume. What could possibly be preventing this? Whomst is behind this lamentable situation? 🤔 It’s all a big mystery to Variety.

[wanderingwriter87]

god its just,,,, do you ever think about how the level of intimacy that garak and julian have by the end of the show is so intense. even if you take canon depiction VERY seriously and assume they didn't have many offscreen interactions that were substantially different from what we see onscreen, and that they seemed to grow apart in the last two seasons, they are just!!!! like, they obviously desire each other Sexually (TM) but there's a point at which it doesn't feel like sex would actually be much of an upgrade intimacy-wise. they are so close. they are already physically comfortable being in each other's space. and of course there's "by inferno's light" but i can't get into that again or i'll go feral. but like, the way they are just? so? connected????

i really like fics where julian still demonstrates his intentions in post-canon cardassia through some kind of elaborate cardassian courtship ritual because i think it is something he would do, he's very extra and garak loves that about him. i also really like the ones where they keep getting their signals crossed or drama gets in the way but when things finally align, one of them storms in and kicks the door shut and slams the other one into the wall and they go absolutely feral on each other. these are both EXTREMELY VALID.

BUT ALSO? i have a real appreciation for them just sort of letting the familiarity and closeness they very clearly already feel slide into more physical intimacy, because there is simply no reason why it shouldn't, there is no reason to draw create these artificial barriers. garak is canonically very tactile with him and despite having this sort of buttoned-up persona, or perhaps BECAUSE of it, i think this kind of thing can really work for him. how many times did they share a bed or a cot, realistically, that we weren't shown on tv because of rick berman? whomst the fuck else would bashir REALLY be sharing with in the prison camp after garak gets there? (ok, martok probably, but still). what about in rocks & shoals? what about on the defiant? come on. they have quite literally slept together, you cannot convince me otherwise. and then, and then, you know, hands wander.

like to an extent, with the "courtly love" headcanon that i've often espoused, it does make sense that they would enforce some kind of boundary with each other when it comes to prolonged close physical contact like that. and that's where my love of the other two types of "getting together" fics comes in - because it makes sense they have been denying themselves this intimacy even though they are literally so intimate already. because it felt like too much. it still feels like A Step that needs to be negotiated.

but i also love, LOVE thinking about a version of their relationship where it simply happens because they are simply each other's Person and nobody else gets me like he gets me and i trust him even though i shouldn't and gives me little gifts and sees me off at the docking bay and i read EVERY SINGLE AWFUL BOOK he recommends me and i know he's hiding something, probably something important, but when he smiles i smile even if i don't want to because he's just! him! so obviously as some point there's just, a playful whisper, lips on the neck, lips on lips, whoopsy daisy didn't mean to turn you on but as long as we're here ;) soft laughing and gentle teasing and a slow tumble into something new that feels perfectly right, like they were always meant to end up here.

sorry to be sappy on main i am just having a time.

[dylanndr]

Izzy Hands Jams

I finally got my contributor copies for the Songs for 2022 playlist zine, organized by @koricomics! The prompt was to illustrate a playlist of songs that encapsulated some aspect of 2022 for each of us.

Of course, my playlist is all about Izzy.

And look, I set up the playlist in Spotify so you can actually listen to it at your leisure!

I think a lot of these will be fairly obvious, but if you are curious to know more about why I included each song, read on:

AC/DC - "Problem Child"

Izzy's attitude in general. I specifically included AC/DC as an homage to the AC/DC t-shirt Con O'Neill was wearing when they all did their renewal announcements.

Alkaline Trio - "Tuck Me In"

In part about Izzy's internalization of toxic culture ("Tuck me in with the tarantulas, I want to let 'em in my mouth and down my throat to lay their eggs."), but also "tuck me into bed with snakes" as a reference to Blackbeard's snake tattoo, wink wink. I included this song before I knew Izzy's pet of choice would be a snake, but hey. It works.

In This Moment - "Adrenalize"

A song about kink from the POV of the sub, it opens with a negotiation/boundary statement ("Let me tell you how I want it before we begin"). So this is more aspirational for Izzy rather than a description of how he currently operates, but I do think chasing the adrenaline surge is a part of what drives him.

Buzzcocks - "Ever Fallen in Love"

By bisexual singer/songwriter Pete Shelley, this song is specifically about a messy queer relationship with a man he lived with for several years.

The Birthday Massacre - "Cold Lights"

A general vibe of unrequited romantic yearning tainted by deception. "Face of fire" evokes the Blackbeard persona Izzy is lusting after. Also references to the various lies Izzy told, thinking he was protecting his interests, only to watch things spiral out of control.

Judas Priest - "A Touch of Evil"

Another song about kink from the POV of the sub, this time sung by a gay man (though, fun fact, Rob Halford is vanilla IRL; he says he doesn't tend to write autobiographical lyrics). Obvious references to the toe scene, and how it was a positive transformative moment for Izzy.

Joan Jett - "I Hate Myself for Loving You"

Partially about unrequited love, partially about continually trying to leave this person and not being able to, and a general air of self-loathing over the whole proceedings.

Rammstein - "Tattoo"

The title is a pretty obvious surface-level reference, but the song is more specifically about enjoying the pain of being tattooed. I have a headcanon that Izzy has so few tattoos relative to his age and experience because he's extremely particular about who gets to tattoo him. He gets too, erm, excited by the proceedings, and can't tolerate handing that kind of power over him to just anyone.

The GazettE - "Devouring One Another"

Well, now, a song that uses cannibalism as a sexualized metaphor for a toxic relationship. Gosh, how could that be relevant to our Iz. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. The line "Is it not allowed to betray God?" could serve as a reference to Izzy's full name, "Israel" meaning "one who struggles with god," where Blackbeard/Edward = god. Whomst he betrays. Screaming "shut up, dammit!" on repeat is just gravy.

Dolly Parton - "Jolene" (Lil Nas X cover for max gay)

The Lil Nas X version is, AFAIK, only available on YouTube, but either version works. Stede's eyes aren't emerald green, and his hair is a bit light for auburn, but still.

The Stooges - "I Wanna Be Your Dog"

Pretty obvious reference to "love of a pet," and to the submissive nature of Izzy's relationship to Edward.

[vroomian]

It takes Lucifer five years to figure out a way out of the summmoning, and up until that point he just kind of moves in. So it’s oc and their surprise roommate, the Literal Devil (From The Bible) just kinda hangin out.

Oc rolls with it so much so that even Luci is like ‘how are you so zen???’ And oc is like I didn’t have a choice. My parents named me Bluejay. It was either lean into it or go insane. So now they just go by Jay and their parents call a couple times a month while jet setting around the world. They’re one of those couples that’s disgustingly in love and newlyweds even after thirty years of marriage lol.

Anyway after the deal and Lucifer goes back to hell, Jay dies in a freak car accident (Really??? Truck-kun got me??? Is one of jays last thoughts lol), and wakes up in heaven. That was a surprise because making a deal with the literal devil should’ve given them a one way ticket to eternal damnation right? Wrong! Aparently kindness counts even if it’s shown to the devil lol.

This is a snag in Jays plans to hang out in Lucifer’s cool palace and mooch off him for a change. They ask to go to hell. Fuck no is the unanimous response by the angelic council. Are you insane??

Boo, jay responds. Rude.

So after a full year of Jay trying to get to hell, there’s a change. This takes place after season one so Pentious is redeemed and this throws heaven into chaos. Charlie comes to the table with proof of concept but heaven is reluctant to change. Blah blah blah negotiation, point is the council decides to do a gotcha with Charlie, so she’s have to do a sort of cultural exchange, but the catch is Charlie has to find a winner willing to give up heaven and go to hell by herslef. (Pentious doesn’t count because Reasons.)

This is, the council is sure, impossible.

Hold my non alcoholic beverage, says Jay.

So Charlie has her volunteer and heaven has no choice but to honor their word and Jay gets to see his bff for the first time in three years! Win win win!

Jay gives Lucifer a hug and Lucifer is both shocked and overjoyed to see them. Because he was keeping an eye out for Jay when they died and never expected them to get to heaven due to the deal. Also Jay has given up heaven?? So they and Lucifer can hang out???

He’s feeling some kinda way about that little fact lol.

Also im leaning toward romantic appleradio so I can have Alastor see Jay being greeted estaticly by Lucifer and go like whomst is this bitch?????

Oc accidentally summons Lucifer through stupid means and it turns out to be just kind of a chill time? The oc is just a regular human who’s kind of living their life and Lucifer is a little weirded out by how this human seems to have no real vices?? But also might be the least judgemental person he’s ever met including god themselves???

But Lucifer can’t go back because oc hasn’t made any sort of wish or deal, and he needs to take ocs soul to send himself home.

Anyway Lucifer gets therapy, a qpr, and to see the good in humanity while he’s on earth. The deal does eventually end but they both find a way to get through it without taking ocs soul, but oc is like well. You can keep being my friend after I die? And Lucifer agrees! Deal made by accident lol.

(Oc dies and ends up in heaven as a winner but requests to go to hell because hey that’s where their friend is)

[rueluxprince]

A Diss Track on Jin Zixuan

Dude, whomst the fuck raised you?! Yeah you’re righteous and honest and a nice panda bear in a pit of vipers, but you can’t afford to be the clueless panda bear?! You’re literally the least politically active heir to a sect/house in the entire book! You’re the ONLY heir! How the fuck are you this politically naive! In a world teeming with inter-sect politics! Literally everyone is better at this than you are!

Like.

Jiang Cheng: sat through a year of boring-ass miserable boarding school just so he could network with other similarly aged heirs and start building his reputation. Worked his ass off to wrangle a sizable Yunmeng Jiang war force even after his entire sect was wiped out. Knew to negotiate a marriage alliance with the Jins after the Sunshot Campaign was over to continue to build influence. Had at least the outline of a plan to deal with the the political aftermath of WWX going apeshit and rescuing Wen “political poison” remnants.

Lan Xichen: kept up a long-standing friendship with another Sect’s leader in his teenage years. Knew to rescue the books, the foundation to the Lan family, as his home was burning around him. Wrangled into existence a sworn brotherhood and thus a three way Jin-Nie-Lan triple alliance after the war. Got the Jins to willingly pay for ANOTHER sect’s rebuilding efforts.

Nie Mingjue: took over his sect super young after the UNEXPECTED death/murder of his father. Never let the Nie family name drop out of the Great Five sects. (Now it’s the Great Four. You know who dropped out? It sure ain’t the Nies!) Was so good at his job his younger brother (and presumed heir) could just faff around and gossip and paint fans and be sexily useless.

Jin Guangyao: went from third class peasant to chief cultivator in like five years tops. Worked to be so trusted by Wen Ruohan he got to stand close enough enough to stab the guy. Second to last time we saw Jin “absolute trash n.2” Zixun the dude was spitting in Jin Guangyao’s face. Last time we saw JinZX he referred to Jiggy as “A-Yao”.

Jiang Yanli: part of logistics and support in the Sunshot war camps, responsible for the feeding/nutrition of an entire army. Humored her ex-fiancé (their last interaction was him insulting her for the second time) during the Phoenix Mountain hunt because first daughter marriage alliance Jiang sect needs all the help to rebuild etc etc.

Qin Su: cemented a marriage alliance with the Jins to prove her family’s continued loyalty as a vassal sect. Second Young Master is fine he’s cute and respects her and rescued her that one time. Why the hell not. (We must now interrupt our diss track for our daily obligatory fuck you to Jin Guangshan. Mr Jin, I hope you’re hearing this. Fuck you.)

Wen Qing: maintained Wen Ruohan’s favor for many years. Wears flames on her robes designating her high status and no one in the Wen sect felt threatened enough to hurt her and her family. Was enough of a figure other cultivators legitimately hoped/thought she could take over the Wen sect. Head of the Yiling Supervisory Office, helped a lot of people and the Wens didn’t suspect a thing?

They did all of this! Before the thirteen/sixteen year story break!

And when we pan to Jin Zixuan it’s like: helped out in the Sunshot Campaign. Blew off a marriage alliance because of personal preferences. Let the newly recognized suddenly appeared half brother gather a fair amount of influence in his own house. Did not know a single fuckwit what his father is doing behind the scenes. Didn’t even think to bring I don’t know his own guards to Qiongqi Path!

Like, I get it. Your whole schitck is that you didn’t respect women at first but then you learned to respect women and now love your wife wholeheartedly and with utmost emotional support and everlasting trust. And I love that. Especially in a man. Can I have an “and then” though?

And then???? You just ignored everything else???? You know how much shit could’ve been avoided had you been even a little bit politically aware????!!!! As you should???!!!???

(Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang doesn’t count because they don’t have to worry about these things. They should, but they grew up in an environment where they don’t have to. Lan Wangji can fuck over thirty-three Lan elders and his reputation is still beautifully pristine because Lan Xichen is there to wipe his ass. Wei Wuxian can get tossed out of Cloud Recesses because he doesn’t need to build relations when Jiang Cheng is going to be sect leader. Nie Huaisang can be as frivolous and dandy as he wants under the wrathful but rain-proof wings of Nie Mingjue.)

((After that paragraph I’ve got to wonder if Jin Guangyao would’ve turned out different if he had an actual blood related elder brother that went “you can do what makes you happy, you don’t have to work to keep your family name, you’re a part of this family no matter what, it’s unconditional, even when I become sect leader. So you can stop doing all those shitty things to win father’s approval. He won’t approve of you but I will. I always will”. Wouldn’t that been something. Right, Zixuan?))

- more MDZS analysis under the “my thing” tag -

[goodkwuestion]

Kay's measure of a good chapter........ Nobody died.....

You cannot blame us for being faithless whores when you spring shit like this last minute.

On a more personal note. What am I gonna look forward to now 😭😭😭😭😭. This is like a death. Like when a celebrity you don't know dies and it stings and nobody around you understands why because you didn't know them personally but you loved them🥺. Only this time you know it will probably happen in about 3 weeks and you're desperately trying to negotiate with grim reaper to let them live just for a little bit more.

Whomst do I have to sacrifice?

Wouldn't it be super nuts tho if I miscalculated and it's actually 31 chapters? Whoo boy, I hope I judged that correctly.

[marvel-lous-things]

(Tungly.hell isn't letting me answer this in ask form so here)

Long ass post time

Okay spidey's rumoured to be coming back but this concept's fucking hilarious anyway so I'm going with it

Aight. So. The Avengers still exist.

ExcEPT

They're called the Vengeance Boyz

And they are a super secret boyband (more like rly fuckin obscure and unheard of but let's not be mean)

Their lead guitarist is a skinny blond twink named Roger Stevens. He insists that everyone call him Champion USA

Their drummer is a huge buff dude. Played by Chris Hemsworth. In sunglasses. And a he-man wig.

His name is Thorn

Nobody asks why a grown ass man in a dollar store wig and ray ban sunglasses is playing a 17 year old

Which is

Pretty on brand for Hollywood tbh

Oh also

He collects hammers. There's a hammer in the background of every scene he's in. Nobody questions that either. Nobody even notices the hammers. Why are there so many hammers.

Also, Thorn's full name is Throckmorton

Yes like your cousin Throckmorton

(look it up)

Peter did want to join them and he did get an opportunity but he turned it down because becoming lead singer was too much responsibility. He'd rather stick to neighborhood wide karaoke for now.

Then there's nick fury. except there is no nick Fury

It's actually Peter's school principal, Nicki Funaj

She wears an eyepatch on her right eye. It's not damaged or anything she just thinks it looks cool (she's right)

Oh and Happy Hogan is now a woman named Joy Gohan. She's the forehead of security at Peter's school

Also she still has a thing for Aunt May because we can't throw the entire MCU away, now, can we?

(no)

(no we can't)

AND NOW FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT BIT

Tony Stark whomst? We only stan Antoni Starr in this house

CEO of Starr Incorporated, leading manufacturers of high tech prosthetics, also really into research of self sustaining energy for some reason

Y'know, like bic makes condoms and lighters

Or crayons and lighters

Or all three

Or something

whatever

(diversification babey!!!)

Anyway Peter got an internship with Starr Incorporated by accident after he walked into the wrong interview room

Oh and by the way Antoni Starr is played by that one stunt double who Tom Holland mistook for RDJ himself

War Machine is now called Battle Contraption

and it's the pet robot of world renowned robotics pioneer Jiminy Road

He calls it BaCon

Pepper Potts still exists because I love her and I said so

She runs SI's self sustaining energy department and anyone who says otherwise will be jailed

I guess she's renamed to Chilli Potter or some shit idk man

Chilli and Antoni have a son named Marcus Starr who is played by Lexi Rabe with her hair bunched up in a baseball cap

Marcus is always seen wearing absurdly """masculine""" clothing to the point where it's the funniest fucking thing about the franchise

I'm talking a seven year old in cargo pants and a collared camo-patterned shirt with the word MAN written on it in big red text

(yes this is a thinly veiled attempt to keep the ironfam alive)

(shut up)

Peter did build his own suit but only after conveniently finding all the parts to one when he went dumpster diving one day in SI's dumpsters

Nobody knows who threw away a fully functional Spiderman suit in the trash. Along with the accompanying AI.

On a pen drive.

Peter modifies the AI on his windinosaur 98 computer and names it CARMEN

Endgame did happen, but like. In another universe. So. Half the people disappeared and then reappeared again five years later.

There is no explanation

Do not ask for one

(they call it the Bloop)

Thanos is actually a grape juice mascot who gives Peter the creeps

Like the kool aid man

If the kool aid man caused Armageddon in another universe (which, let's be real, he probably did)

The grape juice is called Snappos

Snap-pos

(Heh)

And therein ends my frankly stellar attempt at fixing Sony's plot holes

BUT WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

The best goddamn part: Tom Holland is told Absolutely Nothing About Anything. He's just released onto set like a horse in a hospital and expected to deal.

Because he'll spoil Everything the second he hears about it smh the fool

But also because. it's just really fucking funny to mess with him.

His script contains two lines:

(which is an improvement on his MCU scripts let's be real)

"Peter Parker: [improvises] and also says "oHmYgoDitsroBERtdoWnEYjR" every time the decidedly-not-rdj stunt double shows up on screen"

And

"Peter Parker: [takes off shirt at least 18 times. No explanation provided.]"

Tom Holland is completely Jon Snow Kin (i.e knows nothing) and we get to watch his real reaction as the reality of change hits him like a sack of potatoes to the knees

examples include StuntDouble!RDJ shaking his hand and congratulating him on being promoted to paid intern (to what?)

and Miles Morales's dad (played by Terry Crews and Terry Crews only no I will not negotiate) accuses him of identity theft

Oh and finally

Peter Parker is bisexual now