#naturally good at it. like once i hit college I really realized that as long as I studied well I would always do better than those who

[wutheringmights]

I read "The End of Everything (Astrophysically Speaking)" by Katie Mack (of Hozier fame, of course), and it made me feel really stupid. This is a "pop" science book that, for all its complicated cosmology, it meant to be digestible to common lay men like me. But, man. My brain just could not grasp it.

I don't think it's Mack's fault. If I read a paragraph, I could summarize what it was saying. It was when concept A had to be combined with concept B that I felt all comprehension slip through my fingers. I would read the same page thrice, hoping that it would become clearer the closer attention I paid to it. But, nope. Water through a sieve.

My problem is that as an adult, I am starting to regret how fiercely I avoided taking rigorous STEM classes as a kid. While I was okay at math, I could never grasp science. I did everything in my power to take the easy science classes from middle school, high school, then college professors who weren't really trying to make me learn something.

Doing so kept my grade point average up, but as an adult, I'm realizing how little I understand how the world works. I have friends who can give mini-lectures about the types of clouds in the sky or how nutrients in food works, and so on. Me? I can talk about science and technology from the perspective of the humanities (a great example would be the intersection of racism and technology, as described in Ruha Benjamin's "Race After Technology," which I highly recommend), but I don't truly understand how the world works.

I've been a bit desperate to expand my knowledge as of late. I've even come close to buying an algebra workbook so that I can work on my math skills again.

I picked Mack's book because I love space and learning about stars and planets. It turned out to be more complicated than I had originally anticipated.

I'll try rereading it again at some point, hopefully when I've learn a bit more about science first. In the meantime, I can at least appreciate the times when Mack's speculation about how the universe works and how it will end turned philosophical. There were enough moments of poetics that I could appreciate right now, at least.

Kids, don't be like me. Take your damn science classes seriously.

[prettyboykatsuki]

best friend yuuji? you’ve just rang the dinner bell

i was just thinking like.

im adding this after writing but this is soooo fucking long lmao im sorry.

tags for fem!reader (reader is referred to as a girl many times, no explicit mention of anatomy), best friends to lovers, 18+ etc

okay. i feel like you and yuuji meet in a stereotypical way

yuuji is your best friend. you met when you guys were sat next to each other in school (classic case of quiet kid and loud kid) but yuuji is uber friendly so he naturally made friends with you. you guys always clicked. in a weird way. no one else could ever fully grasp it

but you just get each other. you have similar mindsets and find each other comfortable. so you grow up and into each other - and become best friends after a long while. he comes over a lot to yap while you study and while it looks one-sided - you often take care of and look after yuuji and make sure he's not carrying too much at once.

anyway . you have a really good relationship. you're not glued at the hip but it's like, you stick together so much people often ask where the other is when one of you is missing. you get older to around middle school and puberty starts to really . hit you know.

a lot of girls confess to yuuji in that time. it's normal. sure he's rowdy and loud but he's the kind of good guy you notice when you really talk to him. fundamentally good, and not crude and shallow like other boys your age. popular but not obviously. it's the first time in your relationship you are self conscious about being his best friend and just happening to be a girl

there's rumors and stuff. you and him never talk about it until some stuff happen (like yuuji seeing it cause problems) and then you talk. the gist of it is basically that - you're yuujis best friend in the world and nothing could change that. it doesn't matter who you are. he's just trying to show you he cares

and you realize right then you are in love with him.

years go by. you get a little older. you go through highschool much like middle school - with no boyfriend. yuuji dates infrequently but usually gets broken up with. this pattern repeats into college.

(what you don't know, because yuuji never bothered to ask - is that the girls he used to date broke up with him simply because he wouldn't shut up about you. everything he should've done with a girlfriend he did with you already. he even keeps pictures)

when you get into college and grow into adulthood, you and yuuji are still extremely close. you chose to stay home and so did he - so not much is very different. except now you're meeting all sorts of new people and having new relationships form.

you don't know how exactly it comes up. you're studying for an upcoming midterm, yuuji is talking about how he got turned out by the cute girl that he works with and he pauses and asks.

"you know, i know you study hard but you should have fun too," he says this laying in your bed like he owns it, turning his head to look at you where you're bent over your desk. "haven't you thought about getting a boyfriend now that you're in college?"

you are good at brushing this off. you've been doing it for years. you do not tell yuuji that you don't date guys even after you get asked out because you're in love. you just shrug and tell him straight.

"i already told you. im not going to think about dating until i'm finished with school and i've held my career for two years."

"but aren't you bored?" yuuji asks, sincere. he doesn't press you but he is being nosy. "i don't play around that much either but i don't know. a little is healthy. and you've always working hard. playing around with handsome guys might be fun."

"not gonna change my mind."

"don't you get i dunno," he lays on his back. "sexually frustrated, though?"

you pause. you flinch. you've never talked about this before.

you clear your throat a little. "don't be inappropriate. and i do the job myself just fine."

"i guess girls don't have to worry about losing their virginity as much as guys but,"

you try to move on as swiftly as you can from talking about this in relation to yourself. "you make it sound like you slut around, yuu-chan."

he laughs a little behind you. "well no but you know. it's nice laying with another person. only if we're together though."

"yeah, sure. good for you. stop pestering me about it then and go get a girlfriend."

"so mean," he replies, laying back on his stomach. "but do you really not care at all about losing it?"

you frown, swallowing the words explaining that you do care but not just anyone will do. you give him a half truth. a lie of omission.

"it's not that i don't care but it has to be with someone i trust a lot. i don't know any guys like that, so,"

"ehh?? what about me?"

you freeze. you're sure you're mishearing it. "what about you?"

"well... you trust me right? so i could help you with it until you do find a boyfriend,"

you turn around. surely not. surely you misheard. surely he did not tell you to have sex with him so casually. you turn around to verify he's fucking with you.

only to find the most blatant sincerity you've ever seen. he's never been entirely stupid but well. he has his moments.

"do you even know what you're saying? you have to get it up for me to do that."

"well sure. but im reliable and trusrtworthy. and maybe it'll relax you a bit."

you think at that point you're definitely losing your shit but no. unfortunately your guy is dead serious. and you know, yuuji is an idiot but he's not enough of an idiot to not know it's unconventional - but in the moment, in the second he asks, his reasoning is for good. he gets a weird little feeling thinking about you losing it to someone you don't trust you know?

you obviously debate with him on this. you refute him, even - telling him that there's no way he thinks that's a good idea. and you go back and forth and you stop him at some point. to just be like

"do you even think you could kiss me?"

and yuuji just stands to his feet, leans over your desk, and kisses you.

and well. after that, it's kind of like you can't keep your hands off of each other.

it's clumsy your first time. you have no experience. but yuuji is your best friend, and he's himself - so he's patient and gentle and sooo very helpful. he teaches you to kiss and breathe through your nose and open your mouth and all sorts of other things. he's big so it's kind of hard to put it in but he takes is time. the sex feels really, really good and is intimate - almost naturally because that's your very best friend in the entire universe.

and so like. you guys have sex. you dont really plan it or anything but somehow when you get alone - it just gets so, so tense and neither of you can seem to cool down.

and how could you, you know? you've always wanted to fuck yuuji and maybe, seemingly, he wants it too. he gets so red when you bend down on your knees and try to blow him and it makes you so confident. you just... start fucking all the time. and you guys have been so close that no one cares if you two are alone together or not.

and so like. you begin this intensely sexual relationship and miraculously unchanged relationship. like you hang out as normal. and you fuck alot. and it's amibigous and vague.

you're kind of torn up about it, but yuuji is the kind of guy to not hook up with more than one person - so it's not hard to delude yourself into dating. he's already sweet and cuddly and thoughtful. and you know, you've always been so, so strict with yourself. you're really on top of your shit you know? so you reason with yourself, fine. ill just do this and see what happens. it's not like you.

(but it's hard to be strict with yourself when he makes you cum six times you know.)

so weirdly, in a weird way - you're kind of fine. you're a bit numb, a bit adjusted to it.

BUT YUUJI? OH YUUJI IS GOING THROUGH IT.

look. i mean what i said about yuuji being sincere and dense about this whole thing. he really does just want to help you and he doesn't think anything of it. sure sex is for someone you love, but yuuji does love you so it's fine to him.

the problem? the problem is you go from looking like a vague, amorphous and wonderful friend whose appearance he rarely thinks of (outside of beautiful, because of course you are - you're his best friend)

and instead become the most insanely fuckable person he has ever laid his eyes on and it is . ruining his life.

again. it's not as if yuuji ever thought you were unattractive. beauty is bigger than appearance to him, always has been - and you've always been the most beautiful girl in every room because you had a lovely character to you. he adores you. as a friend.

he never.... saw you in any other way. not even when other people kept assuming he did. you're a girl so he knew people would try to box you into that with him regardless but it was never like that. or at least, in his head it was never like that.

sure, whenever he dates someone - he is subconsciously compares them to you and sure, no matter what the person he has the most fun with is you but that's normal right? best friends is a big deal after all

you have sex for the first time and it's like. all of a sudden he's seeing all these aspects of you completely different. it's such a dramatic shift for him. like.

but it's not.... just your body really. of course not. he's not just lusting after ou but there's just something different about how you look in his eyes. something about how you readjust your sweater, how you wipe the corners of your mouth. something about the way you look at his place with shorts and a comfortable shirt just barely riding up your stomach and matching fuzzy socks (that are kinda matted from being worn)

all of this is just so, so fucking sexy now. he gets the weirdest fluttery feeling and just . can't help but be on you. you don't even know what you do to him either, and how could you? but god it destroys him. really ruins him to see you all doe eyed. know how you feel when you cling onto his biceps.

for the longest time - he can barely figure out whats doing it to him.

and then like. one day you're finished having sex and you're both so tired you fall asleep. and you're at his place - naked in his bed. he wakes up in the middle of the night. he moves the covers you know, to get up and get a towel - wipe you down.

and then you sort of hold onto him. still asleep. you let out a very soft whiny nooo, and he just. finds it so cute. so without thinking, he leans down and presses a kiss to your forehead and tells you to keep sleeping which you comply with bc ur not awake anyway.

and then when he sits up again he's like. oh. shit shit shit. shit.

that's when it hits him that he's in love with you which is. troubling to say the least. not only because he feels guilty for ruining your friendship but also because he knows himself well enough to know there's no way he could hold himself back.

but he thinks about and... does he have too? he knows it won't be right away but you do this with him too. so maybe, just maybe, there's a chance right?

for what its worth, i do think you two end up together with a minimal amount of angst. but the amount of heavy ass pining...the months it goes on of you two getting insanely, unbearably intimate and then not talking about it. and like. yuuji tests the waters with you. kisses you before he leaves, and does all sorts of stuff but you always go with it. you both cover it up but eventually it all spills and i think that's mostly cause yuuji is so open ......

anyways.... best friend yuuji.... he is on my mind....

[wasitforrevenge]

new romantics

pairing: MODERN AU!college azriel x female reader

warnings: may be some triggering content including tampon is a douchbag at a party, mentions of drugs and alcohol, mentions of sexual activity but nothing major, smut books mentioned (hehehe) a fight occurs but can you blame him? he’s just defending your honor ugh, two idiots in love who want nothing but each other and can’t admit it, no use of y/n, imagine her as you, because it is YOU! half editted… ill get to it later i promise

word count: 4.5k

summary: your new study partner is better than you first realize… and now you can’t stop thinking about him, but he can’t stop thinking of you either.

authors note: hi first time writing for acotor! been a fan of these books for a while and my baby azriel does something to me!!! so here’s something i spent the night writing it was 10 different things before it was this lol! pls like, reblog and comment! thank you everyone for reading! photo credit to pinterest, and please i strive to do better so any thoughts pls free feel to let me know! thank you for the support! this is the first time i’ve had the energy to write in months so pls dont go too hard

you met azriel in a greek mythology lecture that you both ended up in during the second semester of your sophomore year. getting partnered with an incredibly built and handsome man for a history report your teacher assigned was the least of your problems when you realized how fucking kind and beautiful azriel is on the inside and out.

the real problem came when you realized how hard you were falling for this man when you started hanging out casually, hitting the coffee stand before class or getting food after a long day. you learned so much about him in a matter of months and couldn’t get him out of your head.

you never spoke existence to your feelings for him, mainly because you didn’t want to ruin a very good potential friendship but partly because you didn’t think you were good enough for someone like him. you’ve heard little whispers about his other… activities and you couldn’t help the way it made you feel.

at the start of your junior year, you and azriel were practically best friends and it just felt so natural. the way you two were together. the way your conversations flowed and the way the silence was never deafening when you were together. you spent time cuddling on the couch in your living room watching movies and rating tv shows and going to visit parks around town and getting high as fuck. once time you had even gone crazy and took some acid and spent hours at the aquarium watching all the fish. you studied for classes together, the one you shared and the ones you both took on your own.

you and azriel were always testing out new recipes in his large kitchen. its wonderful that he lives alone. alone as in by himself but you cannot glance over the fact that the rhysand and feyre along with cassian and nesta live on the same floor of this apartment building close to campus. you luckly only live 2 floors down, a thing you realized when you managed to see him in the elevator about a week or two after you first started studying together.

you were debating all summer about confessing your feelings to him but could not gather the courage to bring yourself to admit it to him and face rejection. you couldn’t mess up the relationship between you already. he was your best friend and you really didn’t have too many besides him. you’ve met his family and have spend a lot of time with them, they’re all practically adopted you at the point, they welcomed you with smiles and open arms (besides amren but they told you she’s always like that.)

but a couple weeks into the semester, you and nesta were standing in a kitchen of a person you don’t know debating on what shitty cheap alcohol you’ll be indulging in tonight. it was the first big back to school party and it was still hot as hell out so you were dressed in dark denim shorts and nice tank top along with your black converse.

you and nesta instantly clicked when you met. bonding over smutty books and all the tv shows you managed to watch. she’s felt like your first real girl-friend ever, you guys got some comfortable together and every time you guys hung out, it felt like no time had passed. it was refreshing to have someone to talk to. she also happens to be the only one who knows about the feelings you harbor for your other best friend.

as you’re about to pour the tequila into your red solo cup, you hear someone call nesta’s name and she tells you she’ll be right back before scurrying off to whichever of her friends was calling her. leaving you there alone not knowing anyone at the party, nesta told you the rest of the group was going to meet you there but you have yet to see any of them as you turn your head around the room.

as you fill your cup and turn to put the bottle back down on the counter, you feel a hand glide around your waist and are suddenly aware of a man extremely too close your liking. “hey baby” he said as he slurred his words, clearly intoxicated, by the way he looked and smelled. it sent more warnings through your head even after he grabbed you like that. you had to leave, this couldn’t happen. thoughts are rushing through your head. you move your hand to push his arm off you as you turn around to be face to face with a tall blonde with long hair.

“what was that for?” he drags out as he tried to put his hand back on you. you instantly tried to move towards the way nesta went and told him, “please get off!” but he was too fast and held your upper arm in a death grip before he tugged you closer to his chest, his other hand back on your waist like the first time he did it. your eyes close in fear as he leans down to whisper something in your ear, but he’s gone in an instant.

it all happened so fast. all you see is a large, muscular, tattooed arm flying in front of you, hitting the man who was on you just seconds ago. you watched shocked as you finally lock in to the situation before you.

azriel beating the shit out of the man who had just laid his hands on you.

azriel swung his fist again towards him, hitting him square in the jaw, “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he screamed at him, having another punch already landing with his other fist.

the man doesn’t respond before he swings back at azriel and managed to get a decent swing in, the hit landed to his lip but azriel doesn’t move at all. he’s standing still in the spot, continuing to tower over him.

azriel shoved the man back into the counter and landed a powerful hook right to his nose simultaneously. he cried out as it made contact, “fuck dude c’mon,” he reached up to grab it, blood pouring from his broken nose and busted lip. he steps closer as he removes his hand looking at the red liquid that has held onto his skin, ready to defend himself against the beautiful man that your eyes cannot stray from.

but azriel is faster and before he could even blink, managed to grab a hold of his shirt and pull him up to where his toes barely touched the floor. his hands fall at his sides and his eyes widen in fear as azriel gets closer to his face, leaning down to whisper something in his ear that you can’t hear over the loud music, people partying and the screaming and crying in your heart as you watched this all unfold.

suddenly azriel is tossing the man back into the counter and he barely managed to grab it and hold on, azriel suddenly grows larger, as if he could get any bigger, and leans to spit out the blood that had collected in his mouth behind him. and suddenly your attention is focused on the warmth now englufing your wrist. your eyes immediately register the sight of him standing in front of you, this was warm and right, his hands on you. it just felt so right.

his other hand reached out and gently lifts your chin to meet his gaze. the way the sense of safety coursed through you with his simple touch just confirmed, yet again, that this was going to be so hard for you to tell him.

“hey baby…” he spoke softly, his eyes darted between both yours. his attention solely on you. he let his finger rub against your cheek as he finished, “are you okay?” you can’t help the feeling the shoots through you at the use of the pet name and the look of shock that painted your face. not knowing if it came from, whether it was from what unfolded in front of you at this party or the fact he still holding your face and talking to you like this, so sweetly.

you blinked a couple times and the realization hit you that you’ve just been standing there, staring into his beautiful eyes. not paying attention to the group of people that crowded around as the fight was happening or the looks you guys are getting from other party goers that still surrounded you. the only thing you can stand to focus on his gaze.

azriel.

“i don’t know,” you almost whisper towards him, feeling his warmth covering you both. before you can talk again, he moves his scarred hand from your wrist, you feel almost… empty at the loss of contact but that doesn’t last long as he slipped his hand into yours and intertwined his fingers with yours as he guided you towards the front door.

you passed by so many people, you tried not to pay attention to all the looks you were getting. girls stared as they realized it wasn’t themselves in azriel’s grasp, but you. it was your hand he was holding. your heart beat at just the thought of it, your nerves were already shot as the events unfolded not even 10 minutes ago and this did not help one bit.

your eyes manage to catch nesta’s in the crowd, her eyes widen as she takes in the sight before her, azriel holding your hand and leading you out of the party. oblivious to what actually happened to cause this, she gave you a huge smile and two thumbs up. you cant help but silently chuckle at your friend despite the other overwhelming feelings you have. you’ll explain the situation later when you text her but you were sure eventually she’d hear what happened.

he leads you out the front door and looks back at you with a small smile as you trail behind him. he walked you over, without a word and hands still intertwined and you finally notice your next to his old beat up mustang on the side of the street, the one that smells like him and the faint smell of weed that always lingers regardless of the last time he smoked in there.

he opened the car door for you and you released your hand from his and got into the passengers seat. once you were in, he reached over and buckled your seatbelt for you, giving it a tug to make sure it was connected before smiling down at you from outside the car. he shut the door satisfied and walked around the back of the car to open his own door and sat inside.

the silence is comfortable. it always has been, you pray that sometimes it’s awkward or uncomfortable but it never is. you sit in your seat, eyes staring down towards the hand he had been holding, almost in disbelief, that he defended you like that. you’ve never seen azriel angry like that either. he turns to face you, wanting you to meet his eyes.

azriel walked in the front door of the party, after having a pretty day. the customers at the restaurant he works truly sucked today. small tips and even shittier people. all he wanted to do was smoke off some steam and get drunk with cassian and rhys. he knew you were going to be here. cassian mentioned it in passing while talking about nesta so he was also on the look out for you. the girl who managed to catch his heart after having been partnered together. azriel couldn’t help the way he felt about you even though it almost felt wrong to him.

he didn’t want to take advantage of you, he knew you were shy and never really been in a relationship. he found that out when he walked into the kitchen of cassian and nesta’s apartment, and overheard nesta telling cass all about you after her and you hung out for the first time outside the group. so he just tried to ignore his feelings but regardless of that fact you were his bestfriend. he just couldn’t escape you.

and when he walked into that kitchen to see tamlin standing over you, your arm tight in his grip, the way your eyes were slammed shut trying to back away from him. he didn’t even think. he was there pulling him off you before he could even recognize what he was doing. throwing punches left and right towards the man who dared touched you. he barely even registered the hit he managed on no one but him can put his hands on you. he’s had that thought before but never brought life to it, but here? now?

all thoughts of guilt for feeling that way vanished. there was no way he was letting anyone touch you. but him. that’s all he wanted. he wanted you in a way he didn’t think was reciprocated. love was a funny thing to him, something he was never accustomed to until after he met rhysand and cassian.

his family never showed it, he lives with the constant knowledge of that every time he looks down at his hands. he thought about the way you never judged him of them, like it was nothing at all to you but that was everything to him.

the one sided crush he harbored on mor for a couple years was nothing in comparison to the way he felt about you. his few flings he had over the past couple years (after he realized it was pointless liking mor, also… because she slept with cassian) were mildly of convince and of urge but once he met you, he knew he was a goner.

he stopped the girls. the stopped the meaningless flirting and hooks up and took to just pleasuring himself to the thought as you, as shitty as it made him felt after. sometimes he just couldn’t look you in the eye the next time he saw you but you never said anything. you never commented on it and he silently thanked you in his head.

but right now, after he pulled you out of the party, scarred hand in yours, he needed you to look him in the eyes. but you still hadn’t and he couldn’t just keep staring at the face of the beautiful woman in front of him while it was coated with anxiety and exhaustion.

azriel lifted his distorted hand to your face meeting the soft warm skin that was your own. he gently brought your face to meet his gaze and as you locked eyes, the spark hit you yet again.

gods he was breathtaking. dark hair that covered to above his ears, the eyes that seemed to stare into yours every single time they met, the tattoos that covered him and his golden brown skin that you swore shined outright during different points in the day. your heart cannot handle this man.

“please,” he practically whispered you barely even registered that he said it before he continued, “are you okay, what can i do?” the sound in his voice felt desperate as his eyes bore into yours, the feel of his hand on her face, you couldn’t help but lean into his grasp and close your eyes, taking in the feel of him. you responded a moment later after letting out a sigh and looking at him again.

“can we just go home? i just want to sleep” you asked him with a pleading tone as you feel his thumb rub against your cheek for the second time that night. ugh the things this man does to you. all you wanted was for him to hold you, to feel the press of his body against yours. anything to get the feeling of someone else off you. “yeah baby, we can.” he said gently before he moved his hand down to yours and gave you a light squeeze before he turned the car on and shifted into gear, pulling off in the direction of home.

once you arrived back to the apartment building, he parked in the lot next to the front door and moved around the car to open your door, he gave you his hand as you stepped out. he went to put his hand at your lower back as he opened the door for you but decided against just in case that was a lot for you right now. he did not want to make it worse. he could see the fear in your eyes back there, no way would he subject you to that if you weren’t comfortable with it. so instead he just followed behind you, hitting the button to the elevator to take you up to your floor.

the elevator luckily isn’t taking forever today so when it opens, you and azriel step in and he goes to hit the floor for your apartment but your hand reaches out and stops him. “can we go to yours please?” your head moves up to meet his gaze but his eyes are focused on where your hand is on his wrist. a second later his eyes meet yours and he gives you a small nod and hits the button for the fifth floor. you remove your hand and lean against the wall right next to him, his hand reaches out and entangles his bumpy fingers with yours.

“is this okay?” he asks you. you can barely hold it in after that, the tears finally fall. he feels the sudden change in your body as he moves closer to you but removing his hand from yours in fear that you didn’t want to touch him. but in reality that’s all you want. you want him to touch you. you want him to love you. you want everything with him. its all just so overwhelming, everything that has happened.

he goes to speak but before he can get a word out, your body is on his engulfing him in a hug around his long torso, he instantly wraps his arms around your smaller frame. he can feel your body shake with tears and all he wants to do is make sure that no one ever makes you feel like this again. you deserve so much better, he only wishes he could be better for you too. you squeeze him tighter and he just holds you until the elevator door opens and you pull away from him. mascara and tears running down your face, you can see it on his shirt. he smiles at you before he pulls his hands to your face and wipes your cheeks off with his rough yet soft hands.

you cant help the laugh that escapes you as he wipes his hands on the t-shirt staining it even more with the leftover residue on your face. he gives you a chuckle before connected your hands yet again, walking with you out of the elevator to his one bedroom apartment. he fishes in his pocket with his other hand and pulls out his keys. he unlocked the door and held it open for you to walk in.

your senses are taken over by the smell of him. the smell of his candle lingered from the coffee table covered with textbooks in the large living room, he has a basket of blankets he keeps in the corner because he knows you get cold watching tv. he has a big L shaped couch which had a 60 inch tv across the room, with a boatload of dvds underneath. something you both agreed was a dying art. you and azriel swear physical media will make a comeback one day but you guys will never forget how they ruined it!

his space was a lot bigger since you have a two bedroom apartment. but it was perfect for him. azriel had loved the way he made his space his own, his bass guitars set up in the corner next to his collection of vinyl records and a record player that rhys and cassian got him when he turned 21… as well as a shit ton of booze. he had a bookshelf that held his favorites, as well as your own.

he bought a copy of almost every book you talked about so that he was in the loop with what you were reading. even the ones you didn’t talk about that he caught on your nightstand or in your reading nook. when he bought one of those and read it, his jaw dropped. he immediately thought of nesta and her smutty books but this sent something else though his body. he couldn’t help but keep reading… he wondered if you thought about him while reading these scenes of them ravishing each other, in every way imaginable. he sure did! his right hand hates him!

and you definitely did to… thought about him in ways that you shouldn’t. thinking about him doing all those things to you. the way you knew he would take care of you. the way you knew you could take care of him, despite how inexperienced you are. the thoughts drove you crazy. it was practically all day and every day at this point. thinking about the way his hands would feel running up your thighs or the way his lips would feel on yours.

now here you are, standing in his living room, just wanting all that and little did you know… he did too.

“hey az…” you uttered towards him. he was already next to you as you spoke, “can we lay down please?” your voice was barely a whisper.

he didn’t even need to speak, he just brought you to his room. he lead you to sit on the corner of the bed as he turned and riffled through his dresser, pulling out a large dark green shirt and handing it to you with a smile, “change into this, i’ll be right back.”

“can i take a shower?” you asked azriel shyly. “yes of course, one sec.” you watched as he walked out the room and shut the door behind him. you took your shoes off and placed them by the bedroom door next to azriel’s shoes. he came back in a second later with a fresh towel and a water bottle.

“here you go, you already know where the shower is,” he says with a small chuckle. you give him a grateful smile and a thank you as you took the items from his hands and gave him one last look before heading into his connecting bathroom.

you turned on the hot water and you stripped out of your clothes and threw them into the laundry hamper in the corner of the bathroom. you got in the shower and felt instantly better. the way the water followed hot you could feel the touch of the man from the party washing away, only to be replaced with thoughts of azriel touching you instead. you reviled in it.

you washed your hair and body with his shampoo, conditioner and body wash. silently thanking him for not using 3-in-1 (nesta found out that’s what cassian used and flipped shit) you finished your shower and dried off with the towel he gave you.

you put on his t-shirt that made its way down to your mid thigh when it was on completely. you loved when you were covered in him. you walked back out into the room and didn’t see azriel so you took your seat at the edge of the bed and waiting for him to come back. you sat there and picked at your nails, feeling so wore out you didn’t even want to cry anymore.

azriel came in two minutes later, dressed him long flannel pajama pants and you can see the band of his underwear peeking out as he gets closer to you. he changed after you went into the bathroom, and then went to the kitchen to make sure he was stocked up on the tea you liked and the snacks you guys enjoy together, just in case you got hungry.

he ran around his living room and cleaned random odds and ends. putting dishes in the sink, folding the blankets thrown on the couch and organizing his cd collection. anything to busy himself instead of thinking of you in his shower. anything to get his mind off the amazing woman just in the other room. he hears the shower turn off and waited a few more moments before heading back into the room.

he moved the covers down to make room for you as he said, “after you princess,” with a smile on his face. you returned it and stood up to make your way to the bed but not before turning to hug him again. his arms wrapped around you as you mumbled “thank you azriel,” into his chest. you hold on for a few moments before releasing him. he looks at you before motioning to the bed, “i would do anything for you, you know that.” you felt your cheeks grow red at the thought, at the knowledge that he would.

you climb into the bed and laid your head on the pillow, turning to look at azriel, you wondered why he was still standing. “az are you coming?” you said bashfully. he blinked and bent down to the bed to be eye level with you. “i’m gonna sleep on the couch tonight.” you could feel the way your face dropped in disappointment as you registered what he said. he saw it too and felt it deep in his chest.

he stood up and was about to say goodnight but you beat him to it, “azriel please i need you.”

you could feel how desperate you sounded but you didn’t care. you just needed him. next to you right now. he said nothing else as he moved the blankets again, but this time he was under them. he didn’t hesitate to pull you into his chest, your hand found it’s way over his fast beating heart and his tattooed arm wrapping around you. the warmth and scent of him took over everything in your body. you finally felt safe. your legs tangled together as you eventually fell asleep to the rise and fall of his chest.

“i need you too.” he said to a room with no one awake but him to hear.

part 2??? i would love to write one! let me know what you think! i’d love to keep writing for acotor so yay! pls enjoy :) i’m on the edge of my seat writing this hehe

[blue-jisungs]

heyy, how are you doing? hope life's treating you well during the last days of the year 🤚😔

I wanted to request smth but I'm not sure if I should send it here bc I didn't see a link? anyways. I was wondering how would wonwoo or scoups deal with a s/o that hasn't dated nor kissed before and therefore is scared of the commitment and all the pressure that comes with catching feelings? maybe I have a friend who's insecure about that, iykwim

thank you for taking the time<3

firsts (and hopefully, not lasts)

author’s note. hi dear anonnie!! i’m doing good, thank u for asking <3 i hope life was treating you tenderly too!! :D

++ thank u mother @l3visbby for proofreading<33

summary. having a conversation about your worries with wonwoo, who’s understanding and caring

also this turned so self indulgent like 😭😭😭 i relate to all the bitchless single ppl out there fr fr … so worry not, i getchu…. i mean, your friend >_<

word count. ~1,5k

sometimes you wondered how did that happen. that meaning you and wonwoo dating. him, a talented and handsome idol with lots of charisma, good traits and fans. you, being a simple human with an ordinary life.

it was even quite… boring. nothing really happened in your life. highschool, then college. working and studying, an endless cycle. you were never the one to party – or get invited to parties. sure, you got along with your classmates and co-workers (or even their friends!) but you couldn’t help but feel envious when in their early 20s they already had dated, partied and had the fun of their lives.

you met wonwoo while on a vacation on jeju. for something that felt like ages, you decided to take a trip. alone. just with yourself.

while having a lonely stroll around the neighborhood, you stopped to pet a cat. it had a collar, it certainly wasn’t stray - and surely, loved belly rubs. so while you were petting the feline, wonwoo noticed you. heart warming upon seeing the simplicity and beauty of human nature, he stared for a while longer and went back to the place he stayed at.

he passed you a couple of times – on a beach, when you were secretly petting the cat, when you were riding a rented bicycle with wind blowing your hair.

you were cute and wonwoo decided that ‘screw it’ and approached you once you were reading a book under a byeonggeul tree. and the rest was history.

you’ve been dating for almost three months. yet… you haven’t kissed. wonwoo understood that, how could he not? he respected your boundaries and told you to take your time. he didn’t know the reason – that you haven’t kissed anyone, that he was the first guy you held hands with, that he was your first everything. and in moments like these, when the realization hit you like a wave crushing on rocks by the shore, you were terrified. how come you’re 27 and still a loser? bitchless loser, as many of the younger people would say. sure, wonu never made fun of you (simply because you never talked about it or mentioned it to him) but your friends, that knew you for a long time now… you felt it in your bones that they’re making fun of you.

“hey, is everything okay?” your boyfriend’s (gosh, that sounds so beautifully strange. you never thought the possibility of having a boyfriend is something that was actually possible for you) tender voice reached your ears. tearing your dozed-off eyes away from a random spot in the wall, you nodded with a shy smile.

wonwoo sat next to you, placing his warm hand over yours.

“come on, i can see something is bothering you. you’ve zoned out” he snickered and you just send him a smile “you do that a lot lately, you know? is something bothering you?”

‘you. you are the reason of my bothers’ you thought, sighing.

“well…” you started and already knew it was a mistake. wonwoo cocked an eyebrow.

“so there is something” he hummed, satisfied “you know i won’t judge, hm?”

he knew exactly what you were thinking. one would think it’s kind of creepy. actually, you found it adorable. he knew you so well, almost as if you knew each other since childhood.

“i know but… it’s silly” you mumbled and your eyes met his warm, ebony irises. wonwoo fixed his glasses with a swift flick and shook his head. you opened your mouth to say something.

communication is key, they say. you should probably tell him what’s on your mind, right?

you just sighed.

“how do you… bear with me? we… we haven’t kissed and–”

“i hate to interrupt but i’ve told you this. i don’t mind. you being comfortable it’s the most important thing to me and i would hate to lose your trust” he said, a bit sternly but you knew it was pure care speaking through him.

“i know but… i haven’t kissed, wonwoo. like, never. and actually, i’m scared. because this is my first relationship. my parents and friends have this pressure on me… and it’s so draining. ‘you didn’t even kiss yet?���, ‘when are you going to introduce him to us?’, ‘does he take you on dates?’, ‘do you live together?’, ‘are you really committed?’... ‘are you sure you like him?’... and how… how would i know? i’m scared” you burst out suddenly, words leaving your lips like water erupting from a waterfall. you see his eyes widen in shock, lips parting.

“scared of what?” wonwoo asked, blinking slowly “me…?”

“no. yes. i mean, no!” you laugh and see a wave of relief wash over him. then he frowns, so you explain “i’m scared of what you’ll think or… or where we will be in the future. i’m scared to do some things with you but also… kind of excited? i’m scared of committing but i’m also frightened of not committing! like, with all respect, how will i know i love you? do you just wake up one day and know it’s love? i’m scared i’ll get hurt or even worse, hurt you. i don’t know what to do…” your voice died in your throat.

great, you overshared. now he’ll think you’re actually insane.

you could see wonwoo was baffled. you sat in silence for five minutes, his thumb drawing circles on your hand in a soothing manner.

“that’s… a lot to process” nonu let out a small laugh and you smiled.

“i know, sorry. it’s just been on my mind lately” you mumbled. wonwoo brings his leg to the couch, then puts his other hand and grabs both of yours. looking you in the eye with seriousness, you tense a bit. uh oh.

“to be honest, baby…” your boyfriend starts (and the nickname still makes your stomach swirl with butterflies - even though you always thought it would make you cringe. surprisingly, coming from wonwoo’s lips, it doesn't) “it’s hard to answer all of these. i really like you and i truly hope our relationship will last. but human heart is really unpredictable. we don’t know what the future will bring and we can only do our best and hope, it’ll only be positive things”

you nod. you’d like that – wonwoo was a person you could never get tired of.

“i didn’t know i’m your first boyfriend. and… i feel very touched that you trust me enough to share it with me and be with me. if you’re scared that kissing or something will overwhelm you… i’ll do my best to guide you into everything you want. and if you don’t, i’ll understand that” he said and you suddenly feel like crying. your friends always say that men are shit. wonwoo must be a real angel, then.

“i can’t really tell you how you’ll know you love me. everyone realizes in their own time, their own way. i don’t think… i don’t think i’ve ever experienced romantic love, to be honest” the words left his lips and you stared at him in shock “we’re not so different, dear”

you melted, feeling your lower lip start to quiver.

“and… thank you for sharing your worries with me. i’m really proud, you know? you were scared of others’ opinion, what i will think… of your own emotions. and it's normal. it’s understandable, especially in your first relationship. but i’m here for you, okay?” he cooed, his lips forming into a gentle smile.

“you’re not… angry?” you asked quietly. his face morphed into confusion.

“no, why would i be?” he asked, genuinely puzzled.

“well, it kind of sounded like i wanted to break up. which, i don’t of course. but um… you know… a girl tells you she’s scared… i dunno…” you rambled and blew air into your cheeks.

“i’m not, of course i’m not. in fact, i’m happy. i know now how you feel, i know what’s been troubling you. and i just want you to know that… with time, it’ll become natural for you. i mean, i’d hope so” he grinned “also, for the record, i won’t judge your kisses. of course i wouldn’t but… if that makes you more comfortable, then–”

“but be honest, do you even want to kiss me?” you huffed. he giggled, shaking his head.

“duh! what kind of a boyfriend would i be if i didn’t want to kiss my gorgeous partner?” wonwoo asked a - obviously rhetorical - question, squeezing your hand gently. “i do. i really do. but as i said…”

you loosened your hand from his tender hold and smacked his arm jokingly. he looked at you disoriented but with an amused smile.

“take my time… blah, blah, blah. okay. i will, you know it” you said and sent him a serious look “but promise me… if i ever do something wrong, you tell me. right away. like… ‘y/n you’re being a bad partner!’”

wonwoo scoffed and seeing your serious look, he nodded.

“i will. i swear on my love for chan” he said and placed his hand on his heart with a proud smirk.

“awww- wait, what?” you laughed and wonwoo followed along, the comforting sound of your laughters merging together in a beautiful melody.

and you have a strange feeling in your heart. you’re not sure what is it but you’re certain that it’s its way of saying ‘you’re safe with him’.

masterlist <3

taglist. @mirxzii ,, @primoppang ,, @l3visbby ,, @nicholasluvbot ,, @planetkiimchi ,, @weird-bookworm ,, @slytherinshua ,, @kazmura ,, @laylasbunbunny ,, @dazzlingligth

[rosesradio]

have a valgrace smut drabble, for funsies 🤲💌

word count: 787

warnings: smut (obv), coming in pants—this one’s surprisingly fluffy compared to that last jercy one lmaoo

(for all intents & purposes these characters are aged up, college-aged seven quest etc)

———

As Jason cupped Leo’s face in his hands and kissed him, he took his time enjoying this moment alone.

Alone time was hard to come by on the ship, what with constant duties and monster attacks. Now, though, they had a lucky break—the ship was on autopilot north, the chores were done, and the other five were on deck in the case of a monster attack. So, Leo claimed he was getting a bath while Jason said he needed a nap before the pair practically ran to Jason’s room.

Now, Leo was in his lap, his kisses tasting like the strawberry ice cream he’d had after dinner. He felt so cozy and naturally fit against him, his gray sweatpants soft against Jason’s navy blue ones. Leo’s nimble fingers combed through Jason’s hair. Each short breath from Leo drove Jason to grip Leo’s hips more firmly, to touch him greedily.

He wasn’t used to having things. His time was never his own, always dedicated to the gods or the people under his praetorship. He’d never had a relationship before—Leo was his first everything. Jason knew, according to what they’d planned, they were going to take things to the next level.

Leo began to roll his hips down on Jason’s, the friction making Jason catch his breath.

“Aw, you like that?” Leo’s voice was light and teasing. Jason’s hands moved up to his waist, letting out a shaky breath at the curve of Leo’s arching back.

“Y-yeah,” Jason’s voice was small, much less dominating than he supposed he should have sounded. His cheeks flushed, and he nuzzled into the crook of Leo’s neck, pressing kisses to the skin there.

Leo didn’t seem to notice, or perhaps he didn’t mind. He might have even liked it, Jason observed, as Leo made more of an effort to push against Jason.

Jason felt a familiar coil begin in his stomach, the feeling overwhelming to say the least. He was a late bloomer in the most unnatural way; while he knew how sex worked, he’d never had the time or patience to learn how to find relief on his own. He took cold showers and practically prayed to the gods to make any of those feelings disappear. That is, until he’d gotten his memory wiped. After that—in the weeks after the initial flurry of don’t die don’t die don’t die, he’d found a bit of time to explore what he wanted. Once he did, it took him a while after that to rein it in.

In fact, Jason wasn’t sure if he’d quite mastered reining it in or not. With how good Leo was making him feel with this alone, he wasn’t sure how long he’d last. That idea was a little embarrassing, though his mind was too fogged to care.

“Leo,” Jason murmured, pushing up against Leo, breathing shakily against the crook of his neck. “L-Leo…”

Leo’s own breathy moans in his ear were making Jason’s head spin. He nipped Jason’s earlobe, his hands sliding up Jason’s shirt and grabbing at his chest. His fingers teased and pinched Jason’s nipples as he let out a low, pleasant hum. “Mm, yeah, muñeco?”

Jason wasn’t sure what that meant, though he knew that he was close. At this point, if he stopped, he would really hate himself at best—at worst he would have one of those delayed, half-assed orgasms.

He didn’t even think he could concentrate enough to warn Leo if he wanted to. Instead, the son of Jupiter gripped Leo’s hips, allowing the friction of Leo’s hard cock in his sweatpants to send him fully over the edge. He let out a sound that was just as much a moan as it was a whimper—if he could form a word, it would have been Leo’s name.

It took him about twenty seconds to reassess—about twelve for the orgasm to ride out, and eight for the realization to hit as he met Leo’s wide eyes.

“Did,” Leo started incredulously. “Did you just…?”

“No,” Jason shook his head quickly. “I mean, yes. I mean…sorry…?”

Leo’s incredulous look turned to a slight smile, and soon enough, he was laughing into his hand.

Jason buried his face into his hands, though before he could apologize again, Leo spoke up:

“Dude, don’t be embarrassed, that’s awesome!” He held up a hand for a high five. “I can’t believe that was all me—I mean, that’s absolutely legendary, the powers I possess—“

Jason let out an incredulous laugh of his own, though he gave his boyfriend a high five. He then intwined their fingers together, pressing his lips to his and pushing him against the bed. Although Jason was done, he wouldn’t be fully satisfied until Leo was as well.

[forgetriestowrite]

hi was scrolling through tumblr and was suddenly reminded of how brutal cotg was for me to read because I started reading these books literally a decade ago and like there I was, 19-year-old me, sitting in my college dorm room, reading this after-all-the-bullshit-there's-more-bullshit book and it was wonderful and amazing but then

they are the same age I was a year ago in that book. They have saved the world twice. Percy's mom is pregnant with his baby sister because she got a good relationship for once and she's writing a novel. Annabeth is learning how to bake. She has scars from holding up the sky and then crawling through Rome on a broken leg and then crawling through Tartarus immediately after that. Grover is being the awkward boyfriend we all know he is. He is one of the most important people in the natural world. Percy is trying to get into college so he can have a future. He has a panic attack at the bottom of a river and the only coherent thing he thinks during the whole thing is "wow this reminds me of being a kid", which is so fucking sad. And at the end, he fights literal old age and defeats it by accepting this geriatric, angry god, by saying he wants that, and that just hit me in the face with a ton of bricks because I really, actually thought for the first time, what if they get to grow up?

Like yeah, I've thought about it, in the like "wouldn't it be great" kind of detached thing you get when you're actively watching a story unfold. Like, yes, there's an ending to this story. It's vague and I'm not thinking about it because of the action that's happening right now, but there's definitely An Ending.

But reading cotg, specifically those last few chapters, cemented that ending for me, and made me realize how rewarding it would be to have it. These characters have been fighting on the edge of a sword for their entire teenage lives. They were dragged back in for this trilogy, and they're older, and what if they get to move on? Grover can continue his work without having to worry about side quests. Percy and Annabeth really can get old on a porch. They can have kids. For the first time they're thinking of the future---and not like next birthdays or "if we survive then we'll..." They're actually considering long-term. Thinking of the next thirty years.

I love this trio. They're my childhood. I grew up with them. I love reading their story. But gods, I hope that someday soon they can sit down and never have to get up and fight again.

[melishade]

I'm so sorry. Everytime you answer a question another one pops up. I blame my ELA students, they always are asking me about the novels and then I have to shrug and give them the retort "I don't have this author on speed dial, we don't know for sure and can only speculate." But simultaneously one of our rules is "always ask a question, even if I have to go home and read the novel or sequel or find the answer, I will give you one" about literature.

Of course no student is going to raise their hand and ask "do you know why Reiner died in Chapter XX of Attack on Prime?"

But every time a student asks a question, if I have to research it and then have more questions myself or we tumble into a 10 minute spiel of the rabbit hole I went down at 10pm at night to find the answer to Jonny's original question. It's the nature of teaching analytical reading.

Back story is I remember AOP on Fanfiction net. I had found it after my own watching of AOT Season 1 and watching Transformers with my nephew during winter break in college. I know I didn't follow the story much, just enjoying the little bit of relevance to the fandoms I was into at the time. Fast forward and I find it on AO3 one day and went "huh" only to see it had increased to just before Megatron infiltrated Marley. I followed a bit chapter by chapter until one day it just became back burner as an adult with things to do.

Anyways the question is a bit in proportion to the previous question I asked. As you said Attack on Prime started over 11 years ago which was in between S1 and S2 when there was A LOT to speculate on because the manga wasn't even caught up at that point if I remember correctly. Which is why we have fanfictions with different endings to the story, audio stories like Attack on Space or Survey Corpse, the obsession over the 104th because there was a whole 4 (I think?) years of just fans developing them in their own directions.

Knowing the entire Attack on Titan story now and knowing what direction the characters take would you do anything different, utilize a character more, kill off someone else, elaborate on scenes basing it on some of the later season/manga we received? For the Season 1 portion of AOP we mostly see it as an -insert Optimus here- and saving people or just having him be reacting to the AOT universe but not much of a "I don't care what the manga does I am doing what I want to do" where you still keep it in line with the AOT arcs but no differ too much. Once we hit the Clash of the Titans Arc is when I start to see a "oh I am going to do a bit more now because I know more" in the writing and then the beginning on some pretty dang good characterization and world building. We don't see it fully until we hit the 4 year gap where you can just do whatever you want at that point because in the manga and anime, we only know a skeleton of what the 4 year gap was. So I'm curious as a person who has seen the development from Fanfiction net story into a very strong story if you were to be able to pull an Eren and influence your 10 year in the past self, would you want to do anything different?

Are you kidding me?! I love it when I get asks like this! Long detailed asks talking about my thought process when it comes to writing this story! Like seriously!

All jokes aside, let's answer the question.

So there were some things that I've been proud of that I would tell my younger self, like Megatron's character development, the Primus twist, elaborating on the four-year time skip, the OVAs. But there are a few things that I would choose to do differently.

For example, I realized I didn't utilize the pure titans pumped with energon in an actual fight with Paradis. It was really a steppingstone for the titan shifters with energon. Initially, I was going to incorporate them with the Rumbling and have them running on the ground trying to eat people, but because of the whole Zeke/wine debacle and the use of dark energon I just didn't get the chance to work it in there. I should have and that was a failure on my part.

Fix chapters 2 and 3. It was really just a repeat of the episodes with Optimus reacting to the situation. I should have changed the chapters more to focus on Optimus' perspective, maybe have Optimus carrying the boulder instead, forcing the government to question the usefulness of Eren. Eren was a wild card and titan with no control. They would rather dispose of him and keep Optimus. I'd probably have Optimus fight for Eren in that situation instead, stating that Eren's power shouldn't go to waste and that he needs proper training. Having Optimus come to Eren's defense like that could have made more of an impact.

Make a few more tweaks to Eren's descent into madness. I feel like if I had told my younger self about Eren activating the Rumbling and destroying the world. I was trying to expand and show how exactly that happened because if you're going to make a good guy become a villain, go for it. Don't make everyone praise him and hold him in high regard like Isayama did in the manga. However, I've been told that AOP Eren didn't seem like someone that would activate the Rumbling based on how he was developed in prior chapters. And even I was struggling with writing Eren's descent, so maybe like an extra chapter or two to add to Eren's whole thing. Maybe I should have added Eren's perspective while he was alone in Marley. That probably would have helped.

Additionally, I would have told my younger self to get more bolder when it comes to kills or maybe even show more mercy. Sure, I've decided that adding Optimus to the story would help reduce the mortality rate, but it's still AOT. I probably could have killed Jean or spared one or two people from Levi's squad. Believe or not, I was so close to having Eren kill Wheeljack to make the Autobot's hatred against him more personal. But I go back to the whole Arcee situation because I don't want to add another partner dead to her trauma.

Guess I could've added something regarding the people of Paradis trying to get along with the Marleyans during the four year time skip. I have more head canons and what not, but maybe adding a scene or two would have been nice.

There are definitely a few more things I would have wanted to change, but I think it would have just depended on how certain changes impacted the story. It's part of why I do all of these AOP AU. It allows me to experiment and take gambles with certain story aspects, like Optimus killing Reiner in the Episode 1 Timeline, having the Decepticons hijack the story in the War Timeline, Predaking being considered a deity, Starscream and Shockwave taking over the world, etc.

Other than that, I'm just happy I was able to finish the story. I still have one more chapter, but I made it to the end and I'm proud.

[spgothkidsheadcanons]

More Facts About the Goths!

Henrietta:

- Her favorite season is actually Spring!

- She’s in tune with nature, and seeing all the leaves on the trees grow back and the animals that become more plentiful just makes her so incredibly happy

- She doesn’t like animals of her own, but if her S/O says something about wanting a pet, she’s got a bad habit of giving in and getting a pet to make S/O happy

- Speaking of her S/O, Henrietta is a very devoted and loyal person

- When she loves, she loves hard, and she hates to be taken advantage of or have her heart broken

- When she’s sketching up designs for clothes and gets bored, she begs her S/O to let her draw on them

- It’s soothing to Henri and opens up bonding time with her lover

- She hates to be called anything other than Henrietta, but her S/O has all permission to call her Henri, Etta, Baby Girl, Darling

- She’s a big fan of her S/O

- Probably that girlfriend who gets a t-shirt with S/O’s face in it

- And gets S/O one with her face on it

- She enjoys walks. Down the road, up and down the beach (only at night), hell, even the walk to her car

- Owns a 2 bedroom apartment

- Drives a purple Lexus 450h she named Bettie

- Likes to write and will spend all day writing in her journal, writing in a notepad, on sticky notes

- Her penmanship is very beautiful. Small, cursive letters that lean a little to the right

- Her birthday is November 13th, and she’s a Scorpio

- She’s 5’5, and 5’10 when she’s wearing her signature heels

- Henrietta is very in tune with her S/O, she’d bend herself over backwards to please them

- Cuddly

- So fucking cuddly

- She’ll share a bottle of wine with her S/O and then tuck herself right into their side

- Has to be touching S/O every chance that she has

- Has days where she goes silent, but she always bounces back

- Is in college for fashion design, models as a side gig to help pay through college

- Very good girl and I love her so much I would fight the sun to make her happy

- (26)

Pete:

- Pete had heterochromia, but it’s just a patch of green on one of his brown irises

- He had braces late in highschool, and now just has the permanent retainer on the backside of his teeth

- He’s more often than not hunched over, but he just doesn’t realize it, so he has a few back problems

- Likes to lay on the floor in his room because it helps with his back pain but also because he just wants to

- Stargazes almost every night

- Is really into space, reads facts about space, horror stories about astronauts hearing knocking on the rocket’s exterior, knows every single constellation and planet and their moons

- Incredibly smart, made all 100’s in school and almost got a perfect SAT score (1560 out of 1600)

- Pete has ADHD, and he can barely keep still if he’s just hanging around and not doing anything

- His birthday is 4/20 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY PETE BABY ILYSM) and he’s a Taurus

- He’s 5’10, and kind of self concious he didn’t hit at least 6’

- He lives with his uncle, but his uncle is almost always gone on business trips

- His uncle is his best friend, they do almost everything together when Unc’s in town

- He likes to cook and bake, and he’s always whipping something up in the kitchen for his S/O

- Always painting, anything and everything he can think of

- Prefers to paint his S/O, he’s obsessed with them and wants to memorize every dimple, freckle and curve of their form

- Likes when his S/O does his hair, does his skin care, or when his S/O just does anything with him

- He’s not the type to be all up in his S/O’s business, but he does like hearing from them once a day at least

- Owns a PT Cruiser he’s had since we was in highschool

- He calls it “Miranda”, after a long inside joke from when all the goths hung out together

- Likes decorating with stickers, and you can normallly find stickers on his car, on his laptop, one his phone and on his Emotional Support Water Bottle ™️

- Likes to cook and help run the food shelter

- BLEEDING HEART. EMOTIONAL BABY BOY. IF S/O CRIES, HE CRIES, IF S/O MAD, HE MAD

- In tune with his emotions, and believes it’s very healthy to share how you’re feeling

- Unironically listens to 2000’s club music. His favorite is Wobble by V.I.C

- Writes poetry, and does so extremely beautifully

- He’s a nerd I love him so much he’s my little baby doll

Michael:

- Kind of an asshole, but more in the endearing way and not in the jerk way

- Michael has moments where he forgets what he’s doing and he ends up just sitting down and not doing the original task

- Has definitely ruined dinner quite a few times because of his forgetfulness

- He likes knitting, something that he picked up in highschool and perfected a few years later

- He’s always singing, making a beat, or writing down things he thinks would be good lyrics

- When he’s busy with a recording session, he will stay at the studio for hours on end until everything he and his bandmates do is just right

- Back to being an endearing jerk, his S/O is always bullied by him just so Michael can make them feel better by kissing them and giving them everything they want tenfold

- Sends flowers to his S/O’s job, or really, wherever S/O is

- Kind of possessive, not in the “Oh no” way, but in the “Okay, that’s hot” way

- He’s 6’7, and loves leaning on his S/O because he’s a shithead who thinks it’s funny to just prop up on people shorter than him

- His birthday is April 21st, which he is so excited about because that’s Robert Smith’s birthday, and that makes him a Taurus

- Speaking of, he really is as stubborn as a damn bull sometimes

- If S/O wants to do something, they have to practically beg on their knees for Michael to go and do that thing with them

- Sometimes, S/O debates whether Michael really is stubborn or he just takes pleasure in seeing them beg

- DATE NIGHTS DATE NIGHTS DATE NIGHTS DATE NIGHTS Michael’s guilty pleasure is spoiling his S/O and he never takes no for an answer when he asks if you’d like to go out with him

- Owns a black 1990 Cadillac Brougham

- He’s a really big fan of vintage cars, he just thinks they’re so unique and they looked better before the 2000’s

- Big sweet tooth, and is constantly eating something sweet

- Owns a hairless cat named Boo that he likes to dress up

- Has a secret want to own all kinds of hairless mammals, he just thinks they’re so cute

- Has scary dog vibes, but he’s honestly more like an edgy golden retriever

- Likes to pick on his S/O, just so he has an excuse to hold them in his arms and smother them with love and affection

- He’s never actually mean to his lover, but if he’s mad, he does prefer to stay away from them until he calms down

- Michael’s got some issues he needs to work on, but all he needs is a healthy support system and he’ll be good

- Would never forgive himself if he did something that actually upset you

- He’s a butthead but a sweet butthead and he deserves everything in the world I love this man

[witchcraftandburialdirt]

Tell us a little about Haru!

ANON ASK

So ya'll noticed that, ahah! Well, he is a long time original character of mine! I'm glad you guys are interested in him, I have actually been thinking about implementing him onto the blog--although he is VERY different from Robin! More below!

Where to begin... Haruko Nakasone is the eldest son of a Japanese man who immigrated to the US and New Orleans woman, Ren Nakasone and Yvonne Rillieux. He has a sister who is 3 years his junior, Hina--and grew up in a small port town outside of the city. His family dynamic was very close and nuclear, although his father would often travel for business, Yvonne's parents were over foten to help with the house, and Haru took up cooking at a semi-young age. He had a fairly standard childhood, playing with local children and attending school, as well as learning to hunt with his grandfather at the age of 10. He received a German Shepherd puppy at the age of 12 after begging his mother like a complete brat, he named her Bonnie.

However when he entered middleschool his town was flipped onto its head as a string of murders began to rip suburbia apart, the victims ranging from adults to children. A strict curfew was placed over time and naturally, being a teenager, Haru decided one day to ignore this. He met a few friends at the football fields of his school to try alcohol for the first time, and subsequently knocked out under the bleachers after taking too many shots of fireball. He woke up to everyone having left, and himself alone while the sunset lower in the sky. Haru was quick to grab his stuff and book it home, but he was met with a very standard looking man, who Haru recognized as one of the workers from the local grocery store, and he greeted him, hoping to get a ride back home, only to realize that was not going to happen.

Haru doesn't really remember what happened in the following moments but his consciousness returned to him he was sitting over the man with his own hands bloody, realizing he was bleeding from his stomach. He called 911 and was transported to the hospital, and while they stablized him, he saw the body put into the bag and zipped up for good. Haru struggled with the repercussions of his actions and slowly became more and more of a loner after rumors spread around his school which eventually fell off once he entered highschool. Although as the rumors fell away he couldn't push away the trauma of what happened and grappled with himself to try and figure out what happened and why he felt so elated after. The answer was he was scared and acted out of defense and that's literally it but he's too wrapped up in "I wasn't scared" to accept it. He chased that high and ended up dabbling in illicit affairs as well as joining a shitty fight club that he could physically remove his stress when the memory relapsed. He took up hunting more and more as well.

Repression doesn't help anything though and when he was finally in college in the city, for a biology degree he did not want, Haru ended up failing most of his classes and used his tuition money for more illicit affairs--and dropped out. After nearly crashing his car, he finally began to sober up and put those things behind him, but the spark from his youth still called out, and eventually he used his shooting lessons for something more lucrative. In order to pay his parents back, since he made his mother cry and can't forgive himself for it, he began to take hit jobs around the city for the every day man instead of the mob--he refuses to get involved in that nonsense. Eventually he gained enough money to pay his mother back and open a tattoo shop on main street, finally falling into a semblance of happiness.

He is currently 25 years of age, 178cm, and lives alone with his dog, Bonnie--who is now 13 years old and somewhat struggling with the stairs of his apartment building. Haru picks her up and carries her up and down 5 flights of stairs so she can go on her old lady walks and go potty, and generally spoils her. His days consist of tattoo appointments with Bonnie in the shop, lounging on her doggy bed, before it closes at 6pm. Most days he goes back home and cooks dinner with a standard documentary on, he still drinks daily and he also smokes cannabis--but has a tight control on what he actually needs to take. However on hit days, he takes Bonnie home before changing into tactical gear so he can snipe his target without worry. He has burned his fingerprints just in case, and takes all types of jobs--sometimes even doing them for free if he thinks the hit deserves it.

He works out with weights a few times per week, takes self defense classes, and jogs daily; keeping strong not only for his work/Bonnie, but because he secretly is still horrified of the past sneaking up on him despite it being 6 feet under ground. He has a motorcycle that he maintains himself with lessons he learned from his grandfather, and owns two Berettas along with his (usually disassembled) CheyTac M200. He can probably beat most people up, although he doesn't really engage in random acts of violence anymore and prefers to just have his simple little life with his dog. He's panromantic/pansexual and is surprisingly friendly despite his resting bitchface and semi-rude behavior. Haru also has a sleeve (the design of which I won't post here because this is already very long) as well as a tatto on his left hand--he is ambidextrous and very flexible. He has 3 stab scars on his stomach and side from the attack, and views them as a badge of honor. 

As for implementing him into the blog--it HAS been a thought I've been wiggling around in my brain. I could see him integrating into Zaun pretty easily, and in DBD--definitely a survivor because he just SCREAMS Final-Girl-Energy (and because I need him to kick Frank or Danny or BOTH in the dick). Either way, if you DO want to ask him questions or send prompts, that's all well, it'll help me gage if people would want to interact with him, since, as I said, he's very different from Robin.

[seaweedbraens]

This is in part a response to the 3/10 reviewer.

Adaptations obviously cannot have every single thing perfect to the book, just time wise it's impossible. But I think this series was made with a lot of love by everyone involved and it shows. Every interview I've seen and the show itself make it clear it's also important to them, and they want to make a good version.

A lot of issues that I read I think can be solved with having more of the story. Like, his mom has given him blue candy, explanation might come later, like in the talks the trio has during the quest. Or the council of the cloven elders doesn't even appear in the books until the Battle of the Labryinth. We don't need an explanation yet. Without knowledge of the books I would assume oh the visually important nature ppl are the ppl in charge of the satyrs. Which like.. yeah good enough for now. And it gives Grover more depth from the start. And there are hints of Luke's bitterness, such as "They like the smell of begging" when they go for offerings. We also haven't even left camp yet, there's time to develop that.

Luke's emphasis on glory was more about from other campers, I took it as a hint of Luke's desire to feel powerful. Luke also clearly values glory in the books as well - he failed to attain glory by completing his quest and it eats at him. Two, the addition makes sense if you're familiar with the Iliad, glory is heavily emphasized and a complex theme throughout, but I will not be digging out any college essays lol. I think it's definitely something that is going to be developed as a theme throughout.

Luke is a supportive counselor in the book. He's literally the head counselor in charge of shepherding the kids once they get there and likely spend their first night in the Hermes cabin. Plus in Ch. 7, he talks to Percy about being new and warns Percy not to take the offerings lightly, in Ch. 8 trains him on the sword, saying "No laughing at Percy" during the demo, and is thrilled when Percy disarms him.

A word about Gabe, we see Gabe for 9 pages in the beginning of the book. He harasses Percy, demands food from Sally, and is grumpy about them using the car. I was at first bothered by Gabe looking just kinda like a couch potato, but it was pointed out to me that abusers don't just all wear wife beaters and are streaked with grime. In the show he answers, Sally's phone, a controlling behavior. He harasses Percy when he gets in the door, and is almost pleased that Percy got kicked out for assault, a violent behavior. I'm still interested with how they are going to bring in the "Smelly Gabe" covering Percy's scent (which I always was a bit confused how that worked really well if Percy was at boarding school 90% of the time.) And I'm wondering how they are going to make him be deemed worthy of being murdered with Medusa's head by the audience. He appears on the news telling lies about Percy throughout the book and Percy doesn't realize that Sally has been hit before by Gabe until the end of the book. So, those are more ways to bring that in.

While I watched it, it didn't feel very rushed, but that might be because I had context from the books. Looking back it's a fast, but I'd rather have a longer time questing, and that's a trade-off. It's just unfortunate that even an established property can't get a longer run time.

One of my biggest worries was that the fighting would be cringe but I think they pulled it off Really well. It's visually great, and while I have my personal vision of CHB that didn't stop me from loving the show's version. It's also funny! I laughed out loud multiple times. There's tons of little details you get to hunt for from the book. The actors make you believe they are the characters. I've been living with versions in my head for over 15 years and I fully accept these guys as the trio. An open mind and ability to allow multiple versions to live in your head are definitely key to enjoying it as a long time fan.

I'm doing my best to avoid ppls garbage opinions, especially people new to the fandom, but I've seen enough lousy opinions from people who have been in the fandom forever to think it's a problem only in new ppl. Twitter has just been a lot of great edits and memes which is super fun.

Sorry for the length, that I got the book out, and that this was way too in depth for what you originally asked.

sorry for getting to this a little late! personally, i feel like i can't comment on the show yet, since i haven't watched it, but everyone's entitled to their own opinion as long as we're all being respectful here, as you're being. i hope 3/10 anon sees your version of things, and i'm glad you enjoyed the show!

[ilikelookingatthings]

Sora & Haena

So I kind of really enjoy this Webcomic. Its pretty refreshing and I really enjoy how naturally the smart not that social girl Sora and the more Social but not the type to study Haena get along and slowly come together. There was that kiss in the begining bt they didn’t have feelings for each other yet and it wasn’t the linchpin for them realizing their feelings.

I also like how one of the reasons Sora starts to fall for Haena is her personality and how they get along but also how due to Haena’’s influence Sora starts getting more people in her life...but its also not suck a over whelming number or just because of Haena(which could be dangerous if they had a falling out).

Its also really interesting to see the other characters and friends...I’m not gonna lie i wish we saw Sora and the one guy friend hang out more. I definitely pitied him for falling for our main girl who already had someone else she was going to end up with...but i feel like they could have shown that friendship get a bit stronger...especially since there was some odd tension when it came to how he just wanted connect with someone who didn’t seem to care about his handsome face and his sister was the one reading into Sora negatively all on her own.

Plus it could have been interesting to see him and Haena interact more. but I’m glad when he did get shot down Sora was kind about it and it was about her liking someone else.

Sora’s education score rival definitly gave sus vibes for a while with an odd possesivness and her kindof wishing Sora was more isolated again so her Rival would try her best when it came to scores again. I definitly got a ‘she has a sort of crush on Sora but its manifesting in a weird way where if something goes wrong she could go down a dark path’ vibes....but luckly she does get better and she actually starts to help Sora make up with her friends and other aspects...and she didn’t fall into the ‘i’m aware of my crush now so now you have to be with me vibes’ once she saw Sora and Haena kiss whih is refreshing.

She is definitely mean but it was fun to see her learn her lesson she isn’t owed anything about Sora and helped Sora’s best friend with that lesson.

Not gonna lie i thought maybethe besty also had a crush on Sora...but it seems it was understandably friend jealousy and wanting to be special to someone.

maybe the mean girl and the besty will hit it off.

I feel a bit mixed about their fun floaty teacher....I THINK she is a couple with her friend(I don’t know for sure since she is likable and being worried about her well being is something a friend would do to)...but there seems to be a vibe between the teacher and a graduated student of hers...which on one hand is cute and since she no longer is her student its fair game technically(i’m not gonna lie whether i ship it can depend on a case by case basis in fiction...its more of a hard no in reality for me..but in fiction its cute to see someone win over someone they like after that long). but I do wonder if the age gap could be an issue...and technically the teacher did what any good teacher would do.

depending on how the side stories handle it could ship it..but it could be interesting to see her fall for someone else.

The only thing I don’t exactly like is how it handled the dynamic between Haena and her mom. Like they set up that Haena’s mom is often gone for long periods of time due to work so Haena is often alone which helps explan why Haena tried to be out and socializing often. Haena being very understanding that her mom works hard and that the mom was out doing stuff she couldnt when the mom was married to Haena’s dad...but we end up finding out that the mom doesn’t even call or text Haena often and that Haena literally doesn’t see her and the mom hadn’t even mentioned the mom would be on t.v. to her. and WE know how bad Haena’s grades were before Sora started helpingto inspire her to be able to graduate and go to college.

I like how Haena would often be just so happy to see her mom that she wouldn’t approach the mom abot why she doesn’t show up as often..probably fearing rejection or if it would make the mom leave faster.

She ONLY adressed the situation with her mom this time because she was sick and she was stunned that the mom wants to downsize the apartment with no warning and brought up Haena living alone...as Haena’s ONLY comfort had been the fact this house was THEIRS.

I actually do like how the mom was alarmed at her asking if she would abandon her and all this stuff like how th emom must feel ashamed to have her as her daughter and all that and so actually did try to adress why she acts the way she did...which was that after the divorce she paniced knwoing how much influence she had over her daughter...so she thought maybe if she left her to her own devices then the mom won’t be able to fuck her up(luckily Haena did call her out that theh mom was making excuses and taht all she wants was some actuall attention from the mom). not gonna lie if felt like neglect..and it was interesting to see that the mom wasn’t a complete horrible person..she seemed normal and she seemed to love her daughter genuinely...but that even normal people could end up being a bad or neglectful parent. I LIKE that aspect...it felt kind of fast..but I’m not entirely opposed to seeing the mom and daughter try to reconnect....

but what I DON”T understand is the mom just strait up takes her daughter with her abrode..which makes some sense...she was already going to have to travel so couldn’t just cancel it and leaving her daughter after that heartfelt conversation wouldn’t have been a good move. I don;t understand why she didn’t inform the school properly...or give Haena time to say goodbye to her friends.

I don’t understand why Haena didn’t give her friends a heads up or even just a text informing them about her reconnecting with her mom and the abrupt move. it took way too long for Sora to head over to her house just to find another family living there...and Sora LITERALLY confessed the same day Haena got her cold and the mom appeared.

I understand being kind of overwhelmed by all the changes and not contacting immediately...but not telling anyone?

There was a literally point about how Haena knows how it feels lonely to not be contacted and left on read...yet apparently other had tried to contact her but she never contacted them back?

Now I don’t hate the idea in theory...but we only had ONE chapter to address Haena fucking up this badly. but worse is what happeed with her mom over that period of time abroad? did Haena and the mom fix their relationship? we know the mom did tsill have to work late at times...but did Haena have a good time? We know Sora’s words had encourages Haena to try not to be spooked by change...but considering most of this manga has been about Haena trying to prep for teh college tests...it felt odd Haena didn’t bring that up to her mom(though bright side is Haena knows her being smart or dumb isn’t gonna change how teh mom feels about her as the mom does care but is bad at showing it.

It just felt odd it didn’t occur to Haena how hurt she’d make everyone feel esepcially Sora by disappearing like that? did she not fel the erge to tell anyone or bounce her thoughts about her mom? and more did the mom notice how Haena was feelings?

At the very least maybe Haena actually relating to the mom more because now she understands how time can get lost and why the mom might have not contacted her despite caring for her could happen now that Haena did the same thing.

[confessions-official]

It’s been a year and a few months since I got dumped from my first relationship, and yet it all feels unresolved.

I was in a pretty good long distance relationship for three solid years. It all started when my ex confessed their feelings to me one day, and we took off from there. We would usually see each other in person a few times, but we still talked to each other pretty much every day for those three years. I genuinely believed that we had essentially hit jackpot with each other.

Then one afternoon came along, and they said they didn’t think they should be dating since they got some college studies to focus on for a while. It was a bit of a bummer but understandable. The breakup was cordial and agreed to at least remain friends. Naturally, since it was my first breakup, I asked for advice from my family. One advice that stuck out was something along the lines of “give them space, and if they really want to remain friends, they’ll let you know themselves”. I thought it was a solid and fair piece of advice, no one wants to be a nuisance, especially if you’re the ex that got dumped. First three months pass, and nothing. I sent them a birthday massage, no response. One month later, I realized I had missed a message from them on another server we had from a few days before their bday that went “I don’t hate you and never did”. So I was embarrassed and tardily responded.

That response never got acknowledged as far I am aware. A month or two later, I made an artwork in hopes that it would be a sign of goodwill, I got a “Thank you”. I admit, I had an opportunity to start a conversation, but I didn’t and I wish I did. Another two months, and I sent a message with clear intent of reestablishing a friendship. Three silent months pass. A year has now passed since the breakup. I deleted that message, and resent it to not come off as spam. Finally a response, and it’s a rejection that they’re not open to it because “they gave me a chance to do it” my silence was enough of an answer for them. Despite that not once was that ever stated.

I wanted to clarify my perspective, but I couldn’t message them anymore because they changed their friend settings, but they didn’t block me. Now I feel like I missed something, or shouldn’t have taken my family’s advice despite sounding reasonable at the time. It all feels so unresolved, and I’m not sure if I should make an effort to clarify things or just let it go.

But considering that they usually cut ties quite clearly with their previous exes and move on fast, I probably should’ve seen it coming, even if our relationship ended on “good terms”.

 

[sleepy-stars-and-void]

LONG WINDED ART RAMBLE INCOMING lol

I've got some thoughts I wanna share, so imma speak them into the void here lmao.

I'm proud of myself for actually kinda posting somewhat consistently again and making art in ANY form, woot woot! Jeez, breaking out of the rut I felt I was in for SO LONG has lifted. Tbh a lot of it had to do with mindset and how I was treating myself with art. I want to share my stuff that I work so hard for and love so much, but I was just so mean to myself. I was looking back at shit I posted here AGES ago and I do mean like, 2015 lmao. I was hateful and so critical for no reason, like why was I like that??? For what reason??? I just know I wanted to be good and be seen, but that's not why I wanted to do art. I want to do art because it makes ME happy and that's all that matters. I was so hung up on making good art and it hindered me more than helped me. I pushed myself to the point of self-hatred and burnout on top of unraveling the depression I had at the time (I still do but I manage it much better now) plus having dropped out of art school from an illness after the first year semester compounded everything.

Young artists just want to be at the level they see everyone else at no matter where they are starting in their journey. Art is experience over time. Masters of oil paint took ACTUAL DECADES to master and years to complete just ONE painting. Some people do grip the concepts easier and can put them into practice better than others. I had to shift my mind from "how do I just get good" to "what can I do to enjoy the process and have fun?" So I got myself the supplies that would make things so much more fun for me. I didn't realize I wanted to be an actual artist until I started applying for colleges. So I did and took it seriously but I got sick and dropped out. Depression hit hard for almost 2 or 3 years after and damn near dropped art entirely. But my partner reignited that flame and helped me change my mindset. Shit post lmao. And then my wings spread once more without the heavy expectation to "create something great" when it looked goofy as hell.

Now only more recently have I gotten fully back into my art and taking the time to do studies. I want to actually get better as an artist but I still want to indulge in art for myself so a fine balance is needed. Gotta do the fundamental work to really improve the personal work (I'm not a professional lmao so I haven't really done commissions or anything.) So do the stuff that makes you happy, but also take the time to do the uncomfortable learning so it can be applied to your current stuff. Improvement happens so much more naturally that way.

[dearjoridial]

Hello, I have been struggling with life. I’m mostly starting this blog for myself… just to type out my feelings and work through them. But to whoever may be reading this: you are more than welcome to stay. If you relate, I’m sure we can get through this life together. I’m not the greatest writer, but I want to help someone, whether it’s just me or not. 🩵 Here we go!

I will start with my story~ (sorry for how long it is lol)

I am a dancer. I’ve always loved dancing! I have great parents who put me into many sports to try as a kid… dance was my favorite. Started at the age of five and by nine years old, I had decided that’s what I wanted to do forever. (Well actually I wanted to be an ice-cream truck driver or an actress, but I didn’t start acting classes until later and I’m now lactose intolerant hehe). I also had the unique experience of growing up in a Polynesian family that did Polynesian dance shows too. I will admit that I preferred other dance style over that, but I still enjoyed it. I live my best little life- having fun, dancing, and being homeschooled I felt quite good. I was a bit of a perfectionist even at such a young age, but I like to think I handled myself well and was still very kind to everyone. (Even if they made me anxious by not sticking to the plan I had made in my head). Being considered smart at a young age in the dance world also meant that they trained you to be a teacher starting as young as possible. (Why is this?) At the time I remember liking it a lot! I became sort of a teacher’s aid by the time I was ten or eleven, because I was very good at picking up choreography and helping others with it. (Also dancing backwards…I am dyslexic!)

Around age twelve my family picked up and moved to Hawai’i, for my dad’s job. Of course I was really sad to leave my friends, (let’s be real: dance friends are the BEST friends) but Hawai’i was probably one of the best times of my life! Naturally the first thing I did was look for a new dance studio, and I found one that I loved so much! Fortunately, they were so good that they were able to spot all of the flaws in my previous dance training… unfortunately it was a lot. I had hit a growth spurt (the first and only) and found out my knee was completely twisted, and my legs, ankles, feet, and back were completely messed up. Needless to say, I spent the next five years of my life truly growing as a dancer at this new studio. I learned how to dance properly and how to help myself (and others) avoid those same problems in the future. Then I flew!! I danced not only at that studio but also had opportunities in L.A. , Disney (which quickly became my dream), competitions, conventions, and other little projects around the island. I started dabbling in theatre (and LOVED it). I worked through the exciting and anxious times of going to a real school for the first time (College, got an associates degree under my belt). I also started my first job at that studio as a dance teacher, and worked with their jazz company! I am very thankful for my time in Hawai’i and all of my directors, teachers, and friends who pushed me during that time. Once again, I was sad to move away from what I felt was a perfect life, but I left with hopes to use my new found knowledge in performing arts to tackle the East Coast.

I will admit, post-Hawai’i wasn’t so exciting at first. Of course the first thing I did was look for a new studio, but being eighteen now, I realized I now had to look for “adult dance classes”… and in my area, there were none. I wasn’t too fond of the idea of going to a studio just to immediately be a teacher, so I ended up getting two ‘normal’ jobs. I absolutely hated it. I started going to New York a bunch of times to audition for Disney, and I never got past the first round even once. I was very discouraged by that, and felt exhausted because the two jobs I worked were very draining. I believe this is when my mental health dropped. (I knew I had anxiety issues, and I also believe I have some form of depression). After two or three years of this, I finally found an audition for a local theatre company! I got in, and started feeling better having something other than work to look forward to. Little did I know, the theatre scene was VERY well connected, and the very next year I was asked to be in another show. (That doesn’t happen very often, and I was SO honored). At this point I was feeling pretty content, and was about to go back to dance studio hunting… until I saw auditions for my favorite show! Unfortunately, it was 2020… so I auditioned and was very excited to get in, and then the world shut down and it was postponed. I will admit Covid wasn’t necessarily a bad time for me. I quit my job (which needed to happen long before that), lost all of my stress weight that that job had given me, and slowly got myself back into shape. (Via kpop dances hehe). The very next year life started to look up for me. I decided to go back to school to get certified as a Massage Therapist, and even though my show was still postponed, that same company decided to put together a little ‘COVID-friendly’ production. I got to participate, and even though that year had its stresses with covid and school, it ended up being nice. Thanks to this show I got really close to the choreographer and was invited to be in her dance company as well! The next year rolls around and everything starts feeling better; the show ended up happening, and it was the most beautiful experience! I found myself networking even more and landing myself a job as a choreographer, as well as getting myself a vocal coach. I’m beginning to have so much fun with theater, however my body is slowly feeling pained because most theater’s flooring isn’t actually great for dancing. But I keep pushing on! The summer of 2023 happens… so much happened that I am going to probably write separately about it. But long story short, my physical health completely spirals, and I have multiple theatre/dance experiences that (although were fun,) ended up having a rather negative impact on me. So much so that I still feel the need to write them out (which I will). Of course, I’m trying to shake it off and keep moving as life does, but I need a moment to breathe… and frankly, life is about to be so much different I fear.

With all this said, I like to believe I am doing okay. I always have, and continue to, try and find the positives in life, but I truly have felt unwell this past year and I’m struggling to get a hold of my life and my feelings. I’m feeling less and less like myself though. Unfortunately I’m at a point where I can’t afford to see doctors yet and sadly my health has become such a problem that I can barely focus on dancing. It’s frustrating to find out that the injuries you have are going to be practically permanent and affect you in SO many ways for the rest of your life. That’s why I’d like to write here… I’m sure I will get through it, but life is really knocking me down right now and maybe I can find people who understand. (Or at least humor me, while I get through this hehe). I feel incredibly old this year… the pain of this past year was overwhelming. There’s nothing sadder than realizing that you may have to let go of doing what you love the most. I know I’ll get through it though…I just need time. So here we are.

Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best,

Love, Mer 💜

[maya-in-japan]

June 17-Arashiyama Bamboo Forest

We went to the Arashiyama Bamboo Forest today. When we arrived there, I didn’t expect it to be so crowded but it is a big tourist area so I wasn’t surprised after I remembered that. Visiting the love shrine was fun; I didn’t wish for anything personally, but I did pray for my friends’ love lives though. I thought the overall forest was really beautiful and I wish that I walked through it more, but I might use my last day to go back and look through it more. For lunch, I went to the tofu place that Leina showed me. The food was really good, I got a lot for a cheap price. There was only one part of the meal that I didn’t like, which was this grey piece of tofu which had a bland, earthy taste to it. I tried it with wasabi to see if that would be any better but it wasn’t 😭. After eating at Sapo Tofu Ine, I got sakura ice cream, which had a surprisingly cinnamon-like spice to it. I expected it to be more sweet than have a sort-of spice to it. The monkey park was also really fun; I hated the small hike it took to get there though. I think I was tired out from all the hikes that we did previously, I didn’t want to climb any more hills😭. Once we got to the top it reminded me of Mt. Takao where you could see a bunch of landmarks. I enjoyed looking at the monkeys and trying to see which landmarks I could spot from the guide at the top. On the way back down, I played on a see-saw for the first time! It was creaking the whole time though, probably because it was a bit old. It was probably a bit funny for other people to see college students playing on a see-saw 😂. After I got to the bottom of the mountain, I went rowing with Sumi at the river we passed by before we separated for lunch. It was difficult to say the least. I’ve been kayaking before but never rowing. When we first started, we didn’t really move anywhere. After we finally started moving, we hit the shore not too long after and a passerby had to help get the boat back out into the water. Besides the troubles we had, rowing was nice and I would do it again now that I have a bit of experience! After our rowing experience, Sumi and I got honeycomb ice cream. I tried eating the honeycomb but soon realized that was a mistake since I didn’t like the waxy texture. It was a good day overall; my favorite part was the rowing experience I had!

     I think that the history of Arashiyama is really interesting; it was originally a farming area but turned into a scenic forest later on. Arashiyama was able to come from humble beginnings and eventually became the extremely popular tourist spot that it is today. I think that it’s cool that Arashiyama is designated as a protection and scenic forest. I’m interested in how Japan went from overutilizing the natural resources that it had to being able to replenish and maintain the resources that they used over time. I enjoy learning more about environmentalism, so it’s amazing to me that Japan was able to have such as great turnaround in how the land was utilized and treated. The first article made me curious to read more about other areas similar to Arashiyama and Japan’s views on environmentalism.

     I also enjoyed how the other two articles we read gave more insight into the Tale of Genji. It was cool to see one of the actual sites where the novel takes place. Reading more excerpts of the novel and being able to read about some of the real-life inspirations and locations from the novel inspire to try to read the novel in its entirety. I know that it’s a long novel but reading more about it makes me want to attempt reading the whole thing.

[lizascribes]

In The Land Down Under

In the wee late night of early September (2022), me and Mossy joined this group of Khmer hikers aboard a plane to Kathmandu, Nepal. The ride was smooth, but the bus ride we hopped onto afterwards bound for Pokhara, was not. We were there to scale and descend a mountain they called "Poon Hill" over the span of 4 days. It's marvelous that despite being 3210 metres high up, the Nepalese people did not consider this a mountain, given the bigger giants they've got: the Annapurna, a side of Everest, etc.

This trip deserves a separate post to fully convey the details, vibes, and effervescence because a lot happened in less than a fortnight.

Butt I'm rambling, this post is not really about Nepal. It is about where I am now.

On that flight to Kathmandu, I stared at the vastness of leg space I had from being seated next to the emergency exit door, and wondered about life up to that point in time. The newness of moving out of my family's home at the start of the year and living independently had faded, and fire had stopped engulfing me whole.

I was lost, dealing with identity issues, and couldn't seem to finish any projects that I had started. I felt like a fluke of an artist and it was hard to walk out of the door and onto the streets somedays.

Hurling through the sky at 900km/h, it hit me that if I've left once, I could leave again! Why not! I'm an Australian citizen even though I'd never lived there, and my old art teacher once said that Melbourne is a lot like San Francisco in its vibe and character. Fuck it, after the trip I quickly applied for Environmental Science at RMIT. (I was reading so many non-fiction nature books in 2022 so I felt that I might as well pursued a degree in it, or something... honestly, it was just a convenient excuse hehe.)

Now we're in 2023!

We moved to Melbourne in mid-Febuary and now it's the end of May. It's been a long 3 months. I hardly remember life before moving here.

2 months into the course, I realized that I don't want to have anything to do with data-analysis in my future, so bye-bye Environmental Science and bye-bye RMIT. Life is oddly extra refreshing as a two-time college dropout.

So I've now got a part-time job at an organics market stall where I manage the checkout counter and talk to people about how they cook their favourite veggies. Many people are happy to talk about their tried and trusted recipes and I'm always happy to listen. (There was a man who bought 2kg of cayenne chilli to make his award-winning sauce...)

I've also just been exploring every little interest and hobby that I get a whiff of. So far I've been rowing, doing aerial yoga, and pilates. I also met some of my closest friends here at a free embroidery class hosted by a grad student at RMIT (thank you Aaron Billings!).

I've gotten furniture for my apartment and got a little home studio set up for music-making. Oh and there's a pole-dancing class I'm trying out later this evening. Life is really chill right now :)

My mother and my sister are the most worried for where my life will head, they want me to get a grip on things, finish a bachelor's degree and come home to help out the family business. But honestly, I'd rather take a cool barista course and keep travelling around on my own path. I can't promise anything of the future or how I would want to live then, so why even worry?

In conclusion, I would totally recommend Melbourne as the place to be for people who have unlimited interests in the things around them, because I've found that there are just so many things to do in this city. I don't think I would be here forever, but it's got good soil for me for at least a couple more years :)