#my understanding of them isn't as deep of them as I want it to be just yet

[hoaxriot]

BUT DADDY I LOVE HIM!

parings. sirius black x fem!reader

summary. when you’re finally ready to tell your parents you’re dating— sirius black. your father was far from approving him.

Standing in front of your mirror wearing a dress you picked out just for Sirius, summer break was here and he was finally away from his home living at the Potter's house so Sirius demanded he took you on a real date. The only problem was your parents, you hadn't told them you were dating someone let alone a Black. Ever since you could understand words, you knew your parents did not like that family— more of your father but your mother didn't care for them.

"Oh, sweetheart," Your mother said from your doorway, "You look stunning." A smile graced her face, a smile that mirrored yours.

"Thank you, mom." You turned around as your dad came into view, "Um, before he gets here I wanted to tell you who I was dating." You shifted awkwardly on your feet, they stood waiting for your answer.

Clearing your throat, "Sirius... Sirius Black. And before you flip out, Father, he isn't like his parents, he isn't like what you imagine." You explained hoping your dad would believe you but as soon as you said his name, a disgusted look painted your father's face as your mother's smile dropped.

Your father sighed as he looked at you. "Bug, I love you and want you to be happy but no I will not approve of my daughter dating a Black." His stern voice caused you to frown, before you could respond the doorbell rang causing your father to mutter under his breath before turning around.

"Love," Your mother called out following her husband with you right behind her. "Momma, please." You called out to her, you loved your dad and you knew he was just protective of you but you did not want him to yell at your boyfriend.

Your father opened the door before you could get to him, "Lo—oh. Hi Mr—“ You heard Sirius behind the door making you sigh.

"You will stay away from my daughter, Black." He spat, the way your father said his last name made Sirius shuffle back dropping the flowers to his side, petals falling onto your porch.

"Sir?" His voice was so quiet, the tears that had started to form fell down your cheeks, "I will not allow my daughter to be sucked into that family of yours, do you understand me? Stay away from her." And the door was slammed in his face.

"Father," You breathed out as your shoulders slumped. Your parents turned to you at your broken voice, and your mother came to your side rubbing soothing circles on your back. Your dad sighed at the betrayal on your face, he stepped forward as you stepped away from your mother's touch.

"No. You can't cage me for the rest of my life, I'm happy. Isn't that all that matters to you?" You sniffled looking between your parents, you saw it in your mothers' eyes but she would never fight against your father.

"Sweetheart, of course, but you have to understand me." Your father spoke taking your spot beside your mother.

You scoffed, "No! Understand me, I love him." You had raised your voice at them for the first time in your life, storming past them opening the door slamming it. Barefoot and your dress halfway buttoned, you started walking towards James Potters' house. It was just behind your neighborhood.

"Get back here!" Your father yelled your name as you started walking faster until you turned onto the street out of his eyesight. A sob escaped your lips, never once had you fought with your dad, and now you were running away from him. You were more angry at the fact he was trying to keep Sirius away from you.

You whimpered as the gravel dug into your feet causing you to slow down, seeing the Potters house you took a deep breath walking across the street. Wiping the tears as you walked up to the front door, knocking and waiting.

"Hey, princess," James said with a sympathetic smile, your lips tugged upwards at the nickname. "Hi, can you get Sirius?" Your voice was so quiet James had to lean down, he looked at you and you realized you probably looked crazy, your makeup was ruined by your tears. He nodded leaving the door open, you shifted on your feet that were hurting adding to the pain.

You heard footsteps causing you to look up and seeing Sirius in the same state as you for different reasons, you frowned feeling guilty but you were too afraid to step forward. Sirius shut the door behind him walking past you to sit on the swing, you followed him feeling deja vu from the many times you sat on it with him.

"I'm sorry."

"He's right."

The two of you spoke at the same time, your head snapped to him at his words. "Sirius, no he's not. I want to be with you, I love you." Your voice was hushed but begging, he shook his head standing up.

"No, even if that was true, he was right. I can't let you be sucked into my family, even if I got away they still haunt me. I don’t deserve you.” He said through tears, you gasped quietly looking away from him as he looked at you.

"Sirius, I love you, if I ever had a problem with your last name, why would I have stayed all this time? Why would I even begin with you? Siri, please." You begged standing up, you grabbed his face with your hands, he leaned into your touch for a second before flinching away. making you step away with a shaky breath.

You stared at the side of his face as he refused to look into your eyes, "You're pathetic, Sirius." You sobbed out as you brushed past him, bringing your hand to your mouth to hide your sobs as you went back home, ignoring your parents' calls to you slamming your door and locking it.

You didn't know when you fell asleep but you woke in the morrning on top of your covers, still in your dress. Groaning at the light, you rolled out of bed grabbing clothes for the day before going to the shower. After the shower, you sat on your vanity hoping your makeup could fix your eye bags.

“Princess,” Someone called from behind your door, you already knew who it was. “Come in.” You called out quietly as you leaned back in your chair as James walked in sitting on your bed, you turned around in your chair to face him.

“Listen, Sirius is a mess and you are too, I hate seeing my best friends like this but I won’t say anything until I hear your side.” He spoke grabbing one of your stuffed animals, James Potter has been your best friend since you could remember.

You sighed rubbing your eyes, you felt that feeling in the back of your throat. “I don’t wanna talk about it. If he wants to be done with me because he doesn’t think he deserves me or whatever, I can’t change his mind, Jamie.” You cursed yourself for beginning to cry again, the boy in front of you frowned. You sighed turning around leaning your elbows on your desk, putting your face in your hands to cry— James knew you hated crying in front of people.

Your name fell from his lips but you still didn’t turn around, “Buggie.” He said standing up to stand behind you, that stupid nickname that you got as a kid for always playing with bugs.

“Sirius loves you, more than I’ve seen him love someone. It’s scary for him and you know that, so why are you giving up? I’ve never once seen you give up, princess. It’s where the nickname came from.” He said causing you to turn around as he kneeled down to be face to face with you, his hand finding its way to your knee to rub soothing circles.

Taking a deep breath, “It’s scary for me too, Jamie. I’ve never loved anyone like that before, a-and I know how he is but I won’t fight for something that he won’t fight for too.” You looking at your best friend, “Just because my father doesn’t approve of him does not mean I won’t see him.“

“But it’s not your father, bug. You know that.” He said tilting his head, making you sigh, James was always right.

“I called him pathetic.” You whispered, ashamed you said that to Sirius. James licked his lips, he already knew that because Sirius cried about it to him and Remus. “Well, he’s outside if you wanna go and talk to him, hm?” James spoke tapping your knee before standing up with his hand held out for you. You took with a smile, walking down the stairs to see Sirius and your parents talking at the kitchen table.

Sirius stood up at the sight of you, he said something to your parents before walking over to you. “Well, I’ll go hang with your parents and you two can talk outside.” James said winking at you as Sirius opened the door for you.

The two of you sat on the steps to your front porch, “listen, I love you, so so much, baby. And I know you have no problem with who my parents or family are, I love you and I have no problem sucking up to your father— but we talked and he loves me,” the two of you laughed. “I love you. Thats all, I want to be with you, I want you to be apart of my family-“ you pulled a face, “nope, that came out wrong. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, what I meant was I want to start our own family and make the Black name have a better story behind it.” You smiled at him, intertwining your fingers with his, he squeezed your hand three times.

You squeezed him back, “I love you, Sirius. You deserve me and so much more. I wanna be with you for the rest of my life too.” Sirius chuckled removing his hand from your hold to grab your face, leaning in until you captured his lips. You smiled into the kiss hearing James yell, he cheered opening the door stepping between the two of you grabbing your shoulder to make you stand up.

“Well, that’s just great, right?” He said looking at your parents who smiled with a nod, “Great, yeah. Well, now that’s out of the way, we’re gonna go out for the day. Princess, here are your shoes!” He cheered handing you a pair of your shoes before running off. Sliding your shoes on before taking Sirius’ hand in yours to follow James.

You looked over your shoulder to smile at your parents who were already looking at you with smiles.

[heartmaddie]

untitled incl; angst, hurt/some sort of comfort , i wrote this to puberty 2, fem!reader , character isn't specified , my head hurts, no use of yn , it's 2am

she knows it’s nearly over.

there was a sudden dust which had settled between the two of them, a mutual understanding that their transient time together was beginning to end. as warm, intimate embraces had become stiff and heavy, she couldn’t help but wonder if he felt anything besides the apathetic nature he exhibited. but of course, she already knew the answer to that question. his eyes were emotionless, no longer filled with warmth and home-cooked dinners tasted stale and metallic on her tongue. 

everything had changed before she even realised it.

the rain pelted against the glass windows of their high rise apartment, drawing her attention to the city still bustling hours after dark. more recently, his hours had stretched longer, the couple spending no more than four hours in each other's presence on a standard weekday, and in some twisted way she preferred it like that. was it selfish for desperately hoping for things to go back to the way it was? maybe, but she couldn’t help herself regardless.

she’d wait for him every night, wrapped up in his soft jumper and baggy sweatpants while she lounged on their duck feather couch, wasting time watching the show they’d once dedicate their saturday nights to. it was unbearably lonely in their apartment now, and she started to realise the weight of her heart more frequently. when the door finally clicks open, a surge of hope would course within her, yet, the almost hesitant step into their home only shattered her exuberance. 

“why are you awake?” he came across indolent, regardless of his thoughtful intentions. his chest expands as he lets out a deep, exhausted sigh, slumping down on the couch right next to the warmth of her body. he was freezing, but still didn’t reach for her.

“can’t sleep.”

“me neither.”

her hands clenched as quietness serenaded through the air, she glanced towards him, noticing how his eyes were trained directly on the floor, almost as if he didn’t want to look at her.

“should we go to bed?”

“maybe”

she nodded, letting out a soft huff as she pushed herself off the couch, nearly offering him a hand before she stopped herself, embarrassed by the actions which could’ve been. their footsteps conversed together as they travelled through the desolate apartment while their mouths stayed silent. they both knew what they wanted to say - or even what needed to be said, but nothing transpired. was it out of fear or selfishness? neither of them knew.

their bodies slumped onto the king sized bed, less than a metre apart but the distance could account for oceans. unbeknownst to each other, both their eyes were peeled wide open, staring up at the sky-light which displayed the white moon shedding tears. the rain against glass only portrayed how erratically their hearts pulsed. organs which once beat together were beginning to disassociate, a reflection of their fragmented affection.

in the wake of the night she heard the soft snores of her counterpart, hours after they’d returned to bed together. reluctantly, she looked towards his sleeping figure and she couldn’t help but be temporarily soothed by his soft exhales and gentle expression. she felt drawn to him, her body yearned for his comforting touch once again. 

languidly, her body shifted towards him, she gently lifted his arm and found herself underneath it, curling into his side. & for the first time in a while, her eyes could shut with the comfort of safety. she knew it was nearly over, that the monster which was their parting was slowly creeping up on her. but it doesn't matter right now, she’ll let it lurk for as long as she can.

613 words

i wrote this with kageyama, sakusa and osamu in mind but i think anyone is applicable

please like , reblog or follow if you enjoyed :p © heartmaddie all rights reserved. please do not repost my work.

[adhd-community]

i'm hyperverbal, and my partner is easily overwhelmed by too much talking. i have a hard time even processing a thought until i've said it out loud, though. if i don't talk myself through it, i just get stuck and say nothing. not to mention, i have a hard time deciding what's actually worth saying out loud until i've said it. how can i talk to my partner while,,, talking less?

It's all about finding ways to exist together that support both of your needs. I am reading that your partner has noted they find a lot of chat overwhelming and you tend to chat a lot and struggle to know when or how to stop/start (somehow I identify with both of these...).

The first two questions are:

What is it that your partner finds overwhelming? Too many thoughts verbalised too quickly? The noise? Trying to follow the conversation? Do the reasons change from time to time?

Why are you chatting? Are you looking for connection? Reassurance? Is it accidental? Do these reasons sometimes change?

Understanding yourself and each other can be REALLY helpful in these situations in order to work out what will meet both your needs.

Finally for some hypertalkitivity tips, some things that have helped me in the past with situations like these are:

Before launching into something you're thinking about, check in with the other person on whether they are up for a chat, or whether they would prefer a little quiet time. If they need quiet time, respect that (it's not a rejection, I promise) and find another outlet for your energy/thoughts.*

Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about why you're talking and what level of engagement is needed from them. I had this issue with a friend while travelling (I chat while packing and they were getting overwhelmed). We talked about it and I explained that when this happens I don't need (or expect) them to actually listen, at most it would be nice if they occasionally said "hmm good question" or "mmmm" so I didnt feel lonely or get distracted. This isn't something they need so they had thought I wanted them to deeply listen and answer questions each time and were understandably EXHAUSTED. This convo, and following "heads up, I'm doing the thing - let me know if you need quiet time" chats avoided a lot of potential tension!

If you are having trouble with impulsively talking, find something that tends to help you have "quiet time". For me this is listening to something through headphones that I dont need to pay too much attention to or actually "watch" but still find really enjoyable (e.g. podcasts or super-long game-plays (thank you Jacksepticeye amiright?)) For some reason this signals "no talking" to my brain and I can quietly focus in other things - find yours!

Take a few deep breaths and talk a little slower. When ADHDers are hypertalkative and REALLY into a thought, it can be... intense. Passion is wonderful but taking a second to recognise that your partner is probs also having several thoughts/their own experience and it will take them a second to adjust is always appreciated.

*Other possible outlets for your energy/thoughts!

Write it in a notebook

Type it out or speak it to an AI chatbot!

Call a friend or family member

Do something physical to reduce the mental restlessness (this can be exercise, or even just doing some dishes or gardening etc - just something that makes your brain feel less like it needs to work out everything in the world RIGHT NOW)

Try a guided meditation to slow your thoughts

In the end only you and your partner will be able to work out what's best for you both, but I hope this has helped!

Remember that just because they don't want to chat right now does NOT mean they don't want to hear your thoughts at all. It's likely they just need to recharge their social batteries so that they can have cute chats and fun times later.

X

[saphig-iawn]

Brief Respite

One of my favourite kinds of people to hypnotise are doms.

They spend a lot of time bearing different pressures and exertions when it comes to kink, and I should know because I am one.

I also love showing them that hypnosis very much isn't a loss of control.

Much like taking a submissive and tying them in bondage, hypnosis is a relationship of shifting dynamic; power held in the hands of both partners.

This such dom came to me wanting to know more about hypnosis and wanting to be trained in it, and I've found one of the best ways to learn is to be a subject yourself.

So we chatted and negotiated, and it was very happy to try it so it could understand more about what its doll would be going through.

This dom wielded a wonderful analytical edge to its work. It found joy in intricacies and specifics, and was well versed in meditation and hypnosis but just never experienced it before.

It wasn't sure how it would feel, how it would react, how it would sink.

Well, dear reader, it sank for me.

It sank so, so deep.

Every time I called in the trance, its answer got softer and slower with every passing moment.

It felt everything I described, the warmth I spoke into its chest, the embrace my words made around its body.

It was a little in disbelief when we finished. It couldn't believe how well the hypnosis went.

I could hear the blush and the grin on its cheeks.

[liauditore]

what’s your thoughts on ouran? you mentioned you had a love / hate relationship with it and i think that would be interesting to hear

Oh god post that usually would be reserved for my sideblog incoming. Heads up this one might get uncomfortable, heed the tags. LONG POST.

TL;DR: it's a fun show that's neck deep in the misogyny sauce

I had the true ouran experience of watching it when I was 12 and thinking it was really funny but ultimately finished the show feeling mildly disappointed as well as being Very put off by one specific episode.

As a 12 year old I didn't really have the words to explain why but over the years I thought back to ouran again and again and the more I thought about it the more. Angry isn't really the right emotion I guess. Eyebrow raised emoji-y is more accurate.

Now that I am a bit older and wiser and have read more shoujo, I think the majority of the annoyance and confusion I felt towards ouran, especially nearing the end of the show, came from the fact that it pretty much bait-and-switches its own stance on gender roles, classism and judging by appearance. Please note that I have not rewatched ouran in many years so take all this with a grain of salt and forgive me for anything I'm straight up misremembering.

Haruhi, to me, embodies a very quintessential shoujo protagonist archetype. She's not necessarily radicalized against gender roles, but doesn't place the same importance in gendered performance as her peers. She's also viciously ambitious and doesn't downplay her own intelligence, qualities that her female peers around her have been conditioned to avoid in their cartoonishly extreme upper class upbringings.

However, the other girls' education being a direct result of their education is never really examined. All the other girls at ouran are presented as vapid and "boy-crazy" over the host club. Renge, the only major female character aside from Haruhi herself, is delegated to being comedic relief (and of course, the humour surrounding her almost always has to do with her obsession with Kyoya) with some not so subtle implications that Haruhi is above her girlish antics because Haruhi is... Better, to put it bluntly, in every way including her ability to appeal to men, which can be seen through Kyoya's neutral to distasteful opinion of Renge vs his somewhat unsubtle care and attraction towards Haruhi.

This very unflattering depiction of women other than Haruhi extends to the very queer-coded* Lobelia academy girls, who the host club spends an episode "rescuing" Haruhi from and, once again despite their group leader's more masculine look, reacts in shock and horror at their feminine interests. Eugh, makeup! Disgusting!

*pressing the "nuance" button on this one because we can't expect to apply our understanding of queer signalling on a Japanese highschooler, but the Lobelia girls are. Fairly blatant enough I feel that I almost don't even want to call it coding.

The girls in the show who aren't Haruhi are either boy-crazy and therefore stupid, side characters whose episodes are often tied to getting with a male love interest (who is always depicted as "plain" compared to the desirable men of the host club), rivals in love against Haruhi (like Eclair) or silly evil lesbians.

Speaking of the silly evil lesbians, I do think it's interesting how many times the show feels the need to restate Haruhi's heterosexuality through her endless amounts of blatant disinterest in her fangirls. I briefly wrote once on how patriarchal standards have an amount of gender-nonconformity that can be accepted with women, but violently withdraws that acceptance when it can be even slightly confused with signalling queerness. Every second boomer dad wants a tomboy daughter, yet none of them seem to want trans sons. Idk, food for thought.

It's also fascinating to me that Utena is so much older than Ouran, yet almost feels like a direct response to Ouran's pitfalls at times e.g. the "not like other girls" logic of Ouran's world that pits women against eachother. The only women deserving of sympathy are those who don't act as a "threat" to Haruhi's desireability, everyone else is stupid and beneath her or an evil bitch.

The one woman who is always shown as intelligent and worthy of respect outside of Haruhi herself is Haruhi's deceased mother. Interesting that she had to be dead and more of a concept and motivator for Haruhi instead of.. a character.

If the show was just a marina and the diamonds girls simulator that would be one thing but what I find even more insidious is that not only does it not respect its female cast, Haruhi herself is almost. Instructed? In the show to uphold patriarchal rhetoric, when she entered as a neutral force. With the fact that she acts as the audience stand-in, I find this just the smallest bit troubling.

ESPECIALLY. when talking about the specific episode that really gave me the "I don't like this alot but I can't describe why" feelings when I was 12. Everything else in the show I can look past but this episode genuinely pissed me the fuck off when I was 12 and pisses me off even more now.

I'm talking of course about the "better remember your place in society or men will rape you!!"

In episode 8, the host club visits the beach but instead of the fun beach episode I thought was coming up, 12 year old me was hit was Haruhi being scolded by Tamaki for trying to defend a group of girls from ruffians, simply because she is a girl. Haruhi obviously gets mad.

This in of itself is fine, Tamaki's been shown to be an idiot and very deep in the misogyny/classism sauce, and the way this show mocks that is why I really like him.

But Tamaki is supposed to be IN THE RIGHT this episode, as later Kyoya pretends that he's going to rape Haruhi to teach her a lesson about why women shouldn't confront men I guess. Which, of course, implies quite a lot of very strange things in a show made for young girls, including that if you just abide by gender expectations that are Good and Keep You Safe you... won't be raped? Haruhi even thanks Kyoya for PRETENDING HE WAS GOING TO RAPE HER ?

It's this. Very strange and hypocritical moment for this show and really, really soured Kyoya's character for me -- which is a shame cus I do think he's one of the most interesting club members. I'll never not fume about this episode man I literally got into fights with friends over this episode being garbage as a kid and it was one of the smartest opinions I had at that age.

It's also gross to me that this whole thing revolved around, in the first place, Haruhi trying to defend other girls. In a show that keeps isolating Haruhi from them. So to recap 1. DO NOT seek out relationships with other women, they are vapid and won't understand you, certainly not more than the men in your life and 2. If you defend other women (from men), you're being stupid. Get a man to handle it instead, because it's men's duty to defend women, not yours. and if you violate this natural order you deserve to get raped. Hashtag some gender roles are good, actually.

I also have more thoughts on the way it's presented as if being raped as a woman is the worst thing imagineable but Renge's stalker tendencies towards Kyoya are played up for laughs. Shrugs.

The episode even ends with Haruhi saying she wasn't afraid because she knew Kyoya wasn't going to do it, but then ending up in a curled up helpless ball anyway because of. some thunder. really awesome. While I don't have any problem with exploring Haruhi's vulnerability, we never see any of the boys in such a state, reinforcing that this isn't about dropping the facade of unemotional masculinity but Haruhi being... a girl. Barf.

Even completely disregarding that episode, the messaging is. Strange to say the least. I do think this one might be the thing that gets me shot because Tamaki Does come around to appreciating Haruhi as a person and not simply a "woman", but the fact remains that she still acts as a "love interest" from beginning to end. And the whole dynamic of. Haruhi going from completely disinterested to fond of Tamaki over time, and Tamaki learning to abandon his playboy ways and see Haruhi as a person is totally fine and okay. BUT it is a little bit. Oh so NOW you want to talk about seeing women as people.

I feel that I've been. very focused on the hate part of the love hate and I'll be real nowadays that is very much the dominant half. I still like the show just for nostalgia value, the humour, as well as the host club members themselves. Morii and Honey specifically have a really awesome dynamic and I wish we got to see Honey go berserker more but it is what it is. Kyoya, rapey moment aside, is also really fun and maybe one of those characters that made me realise what kind of tropes I like. I will not stand a word of Hikaru and Kaoru slander, those boys are awesome and their incestuous club personas are a great parody of how performative the club really is, and through that how performative society as a whole is when dealing with attraction as a concept. And I actually really like the side characters too, the emo catboy and Renge in particular.

But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't perhaps one of the most anti-feminist bait and switches I'd ever seen in my life.

Haruhi's not even gender-nonconforming!! She's just a normie with a normal amount of care put into gendered presentation but because she's in the psychopath rich people school she SEEMS gender-nonconforming!! Which is fine as I've said before I think a lot of shoujo protagonists are like Haruhi in that their gender is more "I just work here" at best and something used to oppress them at worst, but Haruhi goes out of her way to present more feminine the moment she leaves the school gates.

Big words for this show to come out swinging saying gender roles and expectations attached to them are dumb when its so terrified of actually tackling them. I don't require everything I watch to be queer queer gay gay homosexual transgender beam attack but like?? Why have Haruhi say she dgaf and then have her present feminine anyway? Especially when it's been highlighted to us that her family is dirt poor, yet she still has the money for hair extensions? You're telling me she decided to cut ALL OF HER HAIR OFF FOR A TINY PIECE OF GUM. for no reason at all when she could've easily just cut it into a bob??

FTR I do still like Haruhi which is what makes this all the more frustrating, especially since she's one of the few female anime characters who we're told is supposed to be masc-presenting and actually could pass as that. Mf questioned the system of gender and then proceeded to do fuckall with it. Gets forced into crossdressing but underlines it with "but im not a lesbian" the whole way through. What cowardice. What theory and no practice. What bark but no bite. What a non-theme. Haruhi is the opposite of punk. Centrist ass take of an anime.

Ahem. Biases aside. I just feel like it fails as a romance, fails saying anything substantial about gender or class and ultimately ends up being meaningless fluff at best and pro-rapist and anti-woman at worst.

[discordiansamba]

right. where does he even start?

hi jin. everything you know about me is a lie. i wasn't lying to you though, because i believed it too. really concise and to the point. sounds absolutely terrible. he might as well just start with 'hello, prince zuko here' if he's trying to shove his foot into his mouth.

"do you remember those rumors," lee asks, "-about uh. the dai li brainwashing people?"

jin blinks. yeah, she's heard them. they'd even discussed them before. they were just fire nation propaganda right? the dai li wouldn't do that. they're supposed to protect us. lee wrings his hands and tells her they're all true, actually. the dai li really did brainwash people. you know how people keep telling you that I don't have an uncle? that I wasn't a refugee?

yeah, uh. the thing is. i was also brainwashed.

jin just stares at him like she's waiting for the punchline. it's only when she realizes he's serious that she takes his hand and asks what he means. she doesn't understand. why would the dai li make him believe he had a father, or that he was born and raised in ba sing se? she can't imagine mushi causing trouble.

"because I'm not- my name isn't lee," he tells her, "-well, I mean it is. sort of. but it's also not. it's really complicated."

jin asks him to explain.

lee takes in and lets out a deep breath. he swears he feels the flames of the lanterns flicker around them. it's oddly calming. he slowly begins to explain. he tells her that the dai li altered his mind and made him believe he'd always lived here. that his name was lee, and that his father was a member of the dai li. that his mother was dead, and his burn was from a house fire. he was... someone else before, but they remade him into a simple tea server- stripping him of his original personality in the process.

being lee is all he knows.

jin just stares at him. her grip on his hand has grown so tight that her knuckles are white. she asks him if he's not lee, then who is he?

"i mean, i kind of am lee," he admits, "-i'm not uh. i'm still brainwashed. it's not as bad as it sounds? i'm- i'm happy like this, and... i don't think i was before. i could go back to the person i was before, but i'm not sure if i want to."

she asks him again who he used to be.

he sighs. he tells her it's going to sound made up. that she's going to be angry with him. he promises her that he's never lied to her. he'd thought his whole life here as lee the tea server was real- and that he really does love her. he wasn't made to fall in love with her or anything. he just did.

"lee," she asks him again, "-who were you?"

"...zuko," he tells her, "-prince zuko."

she releases his hand and just stares at him, her eyes wide. the fire nation prince? the banished one? lee nods. he's still trying to wrap his head around it. jin just stares at him. you helped conquer ba sing se. lee hangs his head. yeah. he did. he doesn't remember any of it, but he did. he says he thinks prince zuko thought it would bring him his honor back or something.

all it got him was being backstabbed by his sister.

that's why they ended up serving princess azula, he says. because avatar aang and his friends found him and realized who he was, even when he couldn't. katara could heal him. make him into the person he once was, but father and princess azula didn't want that. they wanted him to stay as lee for the rest of his life.

"if you want to break up with me," lee says, "-i wouldn't blame you."

jin tells him she needs some time to think this over.

lee doesn't blame her.

it's an odd feeling, telling his nephew about himself.

but it is clear that the young man sitting across from iroh is not his nephew- as much as he might have zuko's face and body. even with the knowledge of his true self, he still treats him as a distant stranger- one that he must be deeply respectful of, but still a stranger. katara has kept him abreast of the situation, though he suspects there is something the young waterbender has been keeping to herself.

looking at lee, he suspects he can sense what it is.

he tells lee of zuko's agni kai.

he tells him what lead to it. lee looks surprised at zuko's outrage at the planned sacrifice of young soldiers. he is not sure he can blame him- he can only imagine what zuko's reputation is in the earth kingdom. to them he was only a banished prince, disloyal to his father and punished for it without knowing the exact reason why. he had chased the avatar with the intent of turning him over to his father, and then had helped conquer ba sing se.

iroh holds nothing back.

he tells lee of zuko. of how he let himself be redefined by his anger after the agni kai. but he also tells him that he helped the avatar escape pohuai stronghold, even if his reasons for doing so were less than pure. he tells them of their life as refugees. he tells them of zuko's choice under lake laogai, when he freed appa.

he tells him of how he chose to ally with his sister during the coup.

lee listens to him quietly- but it is like he is being told a story about another person. someone he's never met. when iroh is finished, lee exhales, as if he's been holding his breath all this time. it has been some time since iroh started speaking, but there is still steam rising from lee's cup.

"he wasn't happy," lee says, "-was he?"

"no," iroh admits, "-not for a long time. not since his mother disappeared."

lee cannot meet his eyes. he opens his mouth and shuts it, like there is something he wishes to say, but cannot manage. iroh sighs, and gives him his word as fire lord that whatever he wishes to say to him, he can say it without consequence. lee takes in a deep breath, and slowly lets it out.

"i don't know," he admits, "-if I want to go back."

and there it is, out in the open.

it would not be the first child iroh has lost to ba sing se. this is perhaps a kinder way to lose one. zuko would not be himself, but he could be happy there. they will have to deal with lan-wei and azula, but if that is the path he wishes to choose... then iroh will support it. he asks him only to think about it before he makes his choice.

deep down, he has wondered if a distant promise of happiness was what finally made zuko surrender.

"lady mai tells me this is the royal family's personal villa," lee says after a moment, "-but I don't know this place. I've never been here before, but there are portraits all over the place of someone who looks just like me. i can't get comfortable here."

"...I think I need to go home. to ba sing se."

"and if you go," iroh asks, "-will you be able to make up your mind?"

lee nods. iroh heaves a sigh. in truth, he does not want to let him go. but his nephew must make his own decisions. he is eighteen now. nearly an adult. the last time iroh tried to force him into seeing things his way, it did not end as he'd hoped. not for himself- nor for zuko.

"then go," iroh says, "-one way or another, you will find the answers you seek there."

[tzarrz]

to all people who said PART 1 made them laugh - i lov u 💗 this is for u

[nohkalikai]

i truly can't articulate just how much strong, supportive friendships have changed me from being a very un-chill, suspicious, angry, scared, mistrustful person to someone who is secure, calm, trustful, and very willing to take risks. i want to be that sort of presence in other people's lives too. and the best part about having healthy friendships is that i know that i am a good presence in my friends' lives.

[bnnuy-wabbit]

this entire Music Taste debate thing re:rap is getting annoying really fast. Im not USian enough for this.

[quemirabobo]

You can interpret it however you want according to what you think a soulmate is, if you want to share be my guest

[kneworder]

some of you guys weren't raised on heroes (2005) and it shows

[concerto-roblox]

i spend a bit of time on twitter for fandom stuff bc there are some really talented artists and writers but oh my god i have to limit my time on that app so much compared to tumblr bc one tiny thing will happen and suddenly there'll be the most despair-inducing discourse ever and i genuinely want to die

[actual-corpse]

Im so tired of Nothingburger music!!!

[nyan-bynary]

Forever in love with characters whose entire existence boils down to being a tool in the story for more important characters' development, especially if everything they do is their desperate attempt at having any sort of agency

[aizenat]

There is this girl I went to hs with and the nicest way I can say this is this girl was smart but not particularly so, and had a high sense of self despite being remarkably average. Again, that's the nicest way I can say that. She also got very triggered whenever I was better at her than something (in all fairness, she was like that with anyone better than her, but my friend caught her shit talking me once when I was the only person in my English class to get an A on my Catcher in the Rye essay--something I expected simply because I'm a writer, was then, and I never once got anything less than A on an essay my entire hs career--and that pissed me off particularly because my writing is the ONE thing in this world I can truly say I do better than most people).

Anyway, I learned a while ago that she moved to Boston, and she was associated with Harvard in some way. Without getting too into it, she works there in the weirdest and most random department (not as a professor or anything meaningful or prestigious, which will make sense in a second), doing basically admin shit it seems. I was curious because she's still listed on their site and it says she's been there for like eleven years. I was wondering if she ended up going there as a student in something, but without a linkden or something, I couldn't see. But every time I googled her name and the school, the only thing that came up was her staffing position. No information to indicate she was a student.

Which is funny. I looked up to see if you can go to Harvard for free if you work there, and the do have a reimbursement program, but you'd only get like 75% of fees back, so you'd still have to come out of pocket. And this is an IVY, so that's going to be pretty. And considering what she does, I can't imagine it paying that much where she could easily afford it. Maybe she does take classes and is slowly working her way to some kinda degree, but I doubt it. I feel like she'd at least be able to brag by now given how long she's been there (the site fucking says when she started lol).

Either way, the reason this is funny to me is because she was never even close or talented or impressive enough to anyone let alone college admissions to get into a school like Harvard (I know for a fact she didn't get in in hs lol), and transferring into schools is typically easier, she didn't get her degrees from there according to the site. So I just lowkey find it funny because the closest she'd ever get to Harvard is not as a student or even as someone brought in to teach, but by getting some admin job and sticking around long enough to get her picture on the school's site. She looks so proud in her Harvard shirt, thinking she finally "made it" but never in a way that would actually impress everyone.

It just all feels very fitting for her. In the right spaces to be around more impressive people while being overwhelmingly mediocre her own damn self lol.

[lilacerull0]

ahhhh just laid my soul bare