#my thought process is always. i will never succeed -> i am going to fail every assignment -> i am not doing anything useful -> i can't

[porciaenjoyer]

can i pleeeaase only have one crisis at a time please please please.....

[eamour]

manifestation rules

everybody has a different set of beliefs when it comes to manifesting, determining their journey. some believe that nothing unfavourable can manifest for them, some believe that they can get whatever they want even if they react to their outer reality, ... whatever you choose to believe in creates the basis for the way you go about manifesting your desires. therefore, it's always nice to make manifesting easier and more effortless by sticking to certain rules that can protect, guide and make you feel more at ease while manifesting a certain desire.

applying the rules

it's totally up to you: you can make all of these your new rules or just pick a few new ones that resonate with you the most. the way you make these rules "work" is by simply declaring that this is now your new way of manifesting! don't worry, you don't have to learn them all by heart but remind yourself of them in times of manifesting. it's the most affective when you don't overcomplicate it!

here are the rules

whatever i want, wants me more

everything conspires in my favour

i am the only creator in my reality

the world revolves around me

i’m the main character and always get my happy ending

i am destined to win and succeed

everything is rigged in my favour

i easily manifest

manifesting is very easy for me

it’s all in my command and under my control

i am in charge of pretty much everything

there’s only one operant power and that’s me

i always get everything i want in my life

i was made to rule both dimensions

everything always falls into place for me

it all perfectly works out for me 

i never chase, i attract

everything i want is easily given to me

i have it all

i’m a master manifestor

i’m a pro at manifesting

whatever i desire is already mine

i’m the blueprint

i’m way too perfect not to have it all

all of my desires are meant for me

i effortlessly manifest the life of my dreams

everything is always about me

i am the prize, everything chases me

i decide what happens next

i am the god of my reality

i’m the master of my destiny

my desires are done deal 

everything is mine for the taking

i have my desires simply because i say so

as the god of my reality, it is my right to have everything i want

i get everything i desire since everything i say, goes

life is a game and i keep winning

i never fail to get what i want

it’s impossible for me to fail

not getting what i wish for isn’t possible

“failure” doesn’t exist in my life

others might not succeed but that doesn't go for me

i manifest quickly, effortlessly and instantly

my desires materialise very fast

i always get whatever i want whenever i want it

everything i want is being handed to me instantly

whatever i desire is mine in the very moment

i get whatever i want as soon as possible

i manifest regardless of everything and anything

there is no such thing as “impossible”, “illogical” or “unlikely” to manifest

circumstances don’t matter

the outside world doesn't affect me in any way

nothing can hinder my manifestation process

i cannot not get my desire

no one can stop me from attaining the life i want

the 3D immediately conforms

everything always works out perfectly for me

i am limitless

my abilities are infinite

anything is totally malleable 

i can change reality to my liking

the world only shows me what i wish to see

i mould my own world

in imagination, i have it all

regardless of any circumstances, i get whatever i like

intrusive thoughts, doubts or worries cannot influence my manifestations

the 3D quickly reflects my desires

my outer world shows me my inner world

negativity doesn’t exist for me

i am protected from anything undesirable

unfavourable thoughts never manifest for me

with love, ella.

[thr0wnawayy]

A few weeks ago someone in my inbox asked me what I thought of AFO and of I ever thought he was a proper villain.

My answer is simple: he was.

At first AFO was a mentor. where All Might struggled to teach, AFO excelled.

Always finding a way to turn every play into a learning opportunity.

He allows for the USJ to heppen so he can Tomura "show" that collaboration is important, he uses Stain's rejection to teach Tomura that he has to use tact. He uses the Training Camp to prove that there is strength in numbers

AFO always thinks ahead, he learns from his mistakes and that makes him deadlier than the HPSC could ever hope to be.

The Nomu are a great example of this, the USJ Nomu was a great start, although I suspect it was designed to fail. It served as an excellent display of what a Nomu could be.

The Hosu Nomu failed because of a lack of armour and variety, so AFO made the Forest Nomu better.

The Forest Camp Nomu is seen wearing a helmet and has multiple quirks to account for it's blindspots.

The Forest Nomu failed due to a lack of awareness and intelligence, so Hood was designed specifically for his intelligence and his strength as to not be caught of guard.

(I suspect AFO left some notes for the doctor)

The Nomu came back stronger each time, the data collected was building up towards an optimized specimen( which we were supposed to see with the Finalized High Ends)

Each and every time AFO let Shigaraki use the Nomu, he was killing two birds with one stone.

Additionally, he supports Tomura while not smothering gum

Letting Tomura learn from his own experience (be it successes or failures) and forcing Tomura to learn restraint.

He prevents him from lashing out at any one individual (like he did w Kurogiri) by forcing him to actually work with his teammates.

AFO makes Tomura reflect on why he failed, he encourages Tomura's ventures constantly and gives him advice.

These are hallmarks of someone who wants to see their student succeed.

If that's not enough then there are two lines that solidify AFO'S original character:

The line that really settles me however, is this:

"Just When Tomura had begun to think for himself "

If Shigaraki really were just a puppet from the start, why would AFO go to all the trouble of guiding for him, teaching and training him. Letting him build a legacy of his own and support him.

Why would he hire Giran, after all it will all be for naught, so why waste resources?.

The simple answer is to blame Hori and inability to stay consistent in anything. (In the business we call this, having no fucking spine)

His Character

AFO's terror lay in his simplicity. Like AM, AFO is a man with a goal and he has the means to achive it, something he had worked for decades to achieve.

This is best demonstrated in his early mannerisms.

AFO never lies, he uses metaphors and technicalities to his advantage.

In the prison scene, he never lies about his goal, which was simple. Take out All Might with as a symbol and threat, while also getting Tomura to leave the nest.

He is also a show man, holding out on Tomura's history and turning his retirement into a spectacle to land a critical flow on his nemesis.

He's a master strategist, being able to predict the current state of society within his cell. He took everything AM loved, even going as far as to turn Tenko's tragedy into a triumph and spat on hero society in the process.

In short, AFO was the villain and when All Might walked out those doors, AFO was as good as dead.

The Downfall

Later, everything I mentioned was stripped and what we are left with is a gutted out husk, a shambling mockery of the genius we once knew.

After season 3, AFO might as well be dead because the leech that takes his place was probably the final nail in MHA's rapidly flooding coffin.

AFO goes from being a legitimate threat, a true symbol of evil. Someone so fearsome, that his mere presence causes visions of one's own death.

To a LARPer who's got as much depth as a kiddie pool, evil for the sake of evil.

From Symbol of Evil to (ugh) 'Demon Lord'.

This character is so far removed that I've taken to calling it 'The Husk'. As to me, AFO is canonically dead*.

This emptiness is even displayed in his musical themes

Where 'The Power of AFO' only needs a few simple instruments and hooks to instill dread, 'All For One Prime' falls flat.

The Power of AFO is dread inducing and it knows it. The song itself feels alive, like an unfathomable evil making it's presence known.

It reflects it's "master" with ease. It is dark, sophisticated and unlike any other piece heard in the series, it is quiet.

True power doesnt need to say it is powerful, it shows it through it's actions. Real power stays in the shadows

Meanwhile AFO Prime is lacking.

It's grandeous and "lighter" but that's it, beyond that it is hollow. Ironically representing what Hori did to MHA.

The theme is nice but ultimately uninspired, causing it to ring hallow when coupled with a failing plot that is speeding towards it's quiet demise.

Few more thing's before I check out.

Why the fuck did they change AFO's eyes.

It completely ruined the parallels between AFO, Tomura and Eri, while also the unspoken lore of:

Quirks that deviate from both their parents often share the group traits of (red eyes, white hair).

You know what fuck it, Red Eyed AFO is Canon, Hori can suck it.

Secondly I have a theory for why AFO had such a stark shift in personality (outside of Hori's bullshit)

From My Notes:

When AFO was defeated and saved by the Doctor, he remained in a coma for 2 years, regenerating the missing tissue and brain matter.

This stopped the brain damage and deterioration from getting worse (sort of putting it in stasis), however upon being defeated by AM again at Kamino, the brain damage was aggravated and began to slowly break down his metal state, causing him to become increasingly delirious overtime.

Due to Tartarus' less then ethical treatment and safety protocols, as well as the brainwave scanner not being designed to detect which issues. The issue went untreated, by the time Shigaraki broke into Tartarus, AFO was long lost to mania. So much so he failed to remember his own background and the orgins of those around him.

(Hence the change from Symbol (Pre Kamino, Menacing, Intelligent) of Evil to Demon Lord,)

[explaining why he didn't take Overhaul and why he changed from passing the torch to parasite in "canon" and why he was so out of character (idiotic)] Also explaing the lore inconsistencies throught the later chapters.

Just some food for thought.

[virgoitgirl-blog]

making a decision regarding yourself, whether you should push forward and exceed your limits or give yourself a break can be challenging sometimes.

say I’ve been working too hard on something and I started feeling exhausted thinking that “I must have reached my limit I can’t do this anymore” the one thought that comes to mind in this situation is: did I really “reach my limit”? What if I pushed forward? What if I forced myself to continue? what if I was harder on myself and therefore I was actually able to continue and focus? Maybe I’ll be tired at first but then I’ll go through just with a little more pressure on myself, what if it’s like climbing a mountain and wanting to back but you tell yourself maybe just a few more and ill be there at the top of the mountain thanking myself for putting in that effort.

But then I think what if my body really needs rest? What if it’s my body calling for help? giving me signs to give it a little break? What if I decided to put in effort and it caused a burnout and made things worse? So now I need a break, rest, and to give myself time to recover? This would be even harder when I NEED to push through, when I don’t have time to baby myself and give myself rest.

Yes rest is essential and imperative but moving forward with my goals is much more important to me…you can always have rest but sometimes your goals have deadlines, you can only achieve them within a limited time.

You can never know if you’re making the right decision...

okay so all of this in the top was written by me about 2-3 months ago and left as a draft. today i got the urge to take a look at my drafts and i passed by this... after these months i got the answer to what i was questioning and i feel emotional (lol dramatic i know) BUT these past few weeks I've been overworking myself so bad that i got myself into a massive burnout which also led my immune system to reach the floor which also got me ill (surprising? no) . so what happened exactly? its the greed to succeed lol...i started the semester not feeling like myself, having low passion and more (mind you im one of the top three students) i don't know how it all happened but i found myself skipping classes, getting help from students in classes when i don't even ask (big indicator that something was wrong), and the last straw which got me back to my senses is seeing how most students were ahead of me (i know i skipped classes...and this isn't about comparing myself to others its about feeling or realizing how lost i was), the professor asking questions and everybody but me knowing the answers. i finally woke up and told myself "you're being average right now you cant fail your classes how come everyone knows but you don't?" (beating myself up...bad i know) i was fuming on the inside, so i started spending my whole time studying, having sleepless nights, surviving on caffeine, eating poorly, attending classes while having little to no sleep. people were telling me that im being too hard on myself but i didn't see that i truly did not, actually i was telling myself the exact same words i wrote above two months ago, i was putting more and more pressure on myself saying "im not tired i just think i am" "im not doing the bare minimum", i was also afraid of leading myself to a burnout then having to get rest which looked like a delay from what i wanted to achieve ...but guess what happened? the delay. i led myself to a burnout, i had to get rest because i couldn't work and focus well, my body was crying for help...this taught me a really good lesson, rest is the most important thing, and giving yourself rest doesn't mean you're delaying your goals you're actually making more energy for your goals. align rest with your goals and their deadlines to achieve the best. and be less harder on yourself and listen to your body, always. now im slowly giving myself time, telling myself that the process isn't linear, im slowly making progress but im telling myself that its okay because this is essential for my wellbeing.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

A bunch of shorter ones today, but first!

We posted two top-centric hc lists yesterday, and I somehow completely forgot to mention Jack in either of them 🥳 I am so sorry to Jack Nation and to the goodest of boys himself, so at the end of this post there are hcs about him on both of the yesterday’s topics… (I’ll also add them to the respective posts, obviously)

This weird oopsie aside, here are the replies:

feverish-dove asked:

THANK YOUUUUUUUU♥️ i don’t think you realize how happy that made me. i love speedpaints but when an artist takes the time to break down what they did so i dont have to try (and usually fail) to do so myself it just goes brrrrrrr<3 im soooooo happy rn. you and katsu are awesome

You are so very welcome!! ♥️

I am very happy that the post was useful and any of my explanations were cohesive enough to understand something. And I really love talking about my art process, so thank you for your question!

Anonymous asked:

I just wanna say i'm in love with genderswap twst headcanons and arts... Thank you for sharing a full course meal-

You’re very welcome, Anon! I am super happy that you’re enjoying these. Like I’ve already said, drawing and writing these are a treat and a national holiday for me lol

Anonymous asked:

I’ll break Idia, you say? Well, I did always want to wreck him… 😏

Anonymous asked:

You can't tell me what to do 😠

I'm swallowing your art whole as you speak

Anons are misbehaving… Anons are getting wild 😳 breaking Idia left and right and not chewing stuff properly!

I love the chaos.

Anonymous asked:

I also have an Idia plush and he’s cheeked up.

His clothes sold out though so he’s naked. I put a Nagito jacket on him to hide his shame i.e. his butt.

Damn Anon this is even better though. Imagine Idia with a Nagito jacket barely covering his naked body. This image is doing something with my brain.

Anonymous asked:

HELP do you have any thoughts on azurido??? its been on my mind since i saw Floyd say Azul (probably) wouldnt mind keeping him as a pet for winter (?) break

Indeed, Anon, here is the tag!

Oh we love that line from Floyd lol This whole scene happens so fast and feeds us with so much stuff that it takes time to process.

Azul absolutely wouldn’t mind keeping him as a pet… it’s upsetting that Riddle probably wouldn’t be much of a help at the Lounge (the main reason for Azul to keep pets lol) but knowing how much Riddle’s existence wounds Azul’s precious ego? He would get super smug with Riddle temporarily being his lap cat. Or a little chihuahua.

Anonymous asked:

I’m not sure why but I would love the idea of Epel talking about how girls are weak and then getting his butt handed to him by a girl in Magical Shift. The competitive, tomboy in me would be grinning like a maniac.

Epel absolutely needs to have a girl kick his ass, and it’s weird that he even needs this to happen to realise that “girly” doesn’t mean “weak”; just look at his meemaw and how scary she can get. I’m sure Epel’s mom isn’t any better lol

Anonymous asked:

I had a sudden thoughts last night

So coway au

But it's just Riddle riding Floyd in a cowboy outfit

Thoughts? 👀👀👀

Anonymous asked:

yeehaw 🤠

I wonder… if you two are the same Anon… maybe not. Maybe we just mentally entered a saloon somehow and now I am a sheriff.

To answer the first Anon, this would be insanely hot, and I feel like if Riddle is drunk out of his mind enough, he could do that. He wouldn’t succeed though, because riding a horse is one thing, but riding Floyd while being completely drunk is totally different lol But it’s the attempt that counts. Floyd is going to be very entertained either way. Or annoyed, you never know with him.

Alright, so JackJack hcs.

strap hcs for fem tops or if they even use them lol.

Jack could’ve been very good at it if someone made her use it, but I feel like she thinks that this is too obscene of a thing to do. It’s not like she’s prudish, but wearing a strap is a bit too far for her. Even though someone would probably look at her and think that it looked very good on her…

Based on that one post about the bottoms getting creamed up inside how would the tops react if their partners are demanding/begging for them to cum inside them?

Jack – he is probably the type to start thinking about pulling out when he starts to feel his knot growing, you know, being responsible and stuff, but if he hears his partner begging or demanding him to cum inside, his brain would shut down completely and he would go even deeper than before and fill his partner to the brim :( He would be very embarrassed of himself afterwards.

[smimon]

Something something hope confirmed something something I had no faith but kept going only to succeed in the most unexpected moment something something I was about to continue anyway but if I lose both the faith and the hope in the future, I should remember this one time it worked

This is a post about my creative process and it is very personal to me but it might be difficult to understand because I am not good with words and it is basically the very point here

So yeah many of the comics I make come from my need to communicate certain messages, and I am very bad at communication so it usually doesn't work.

I look at the "failed" stories and save them for later, hoping to perfect them when I have more skill, but in the meantime I recycle the same motif in a new story.

New fandom, new characters, new setting, new tone, new genre, same heart, same me.

And I keep adding them, rows of iterations of the same message dressed in new clothes like character skins in video games. And I keep thinking: I will return to you all and complete you all in the future, and this way my message will be heard, it will be heard in many voices until it maybe gets to someone.

Then something unexpected happened with giant K series. I explained it somewhere, this series is based on a kind of motif I have been using for years, every few years a new retelling, new layout, new skin, but at core always the same.

(How to explain it? It is a silly comedy series, but at the same time it can be a reflection of a strained mind, silenced heart, confused soul. I don't have the right words yet.)

And this time, for the first time ever, it worked. I managed to start posting it, I managed to complete the plot, I managed to make it consistent, whole, harmonic.

And I almost dropped the series soon after it started, ready to put it among its ancestors to wait forever for a revival. But a friend encouraged me to keep going, and after The Post I managed to regain faith in it myself. And then, just recently, I realized that I did in fact manage to tell the story. I alreay told it. This did not change much in the world, but it changed a lot in myself.

And I started to think that maybe I couldn't complete the message before because I didn't have the right material, not enough building bricks that could fit together to form the shape of my thought. And maybe I will never get to complete the other variants of this motif, because the tools I have used constructing them were not the right ones. It was always trial and error, and I am lucky to have somehow landed a way that worked.

(I can still use the plots built around the older takes to tell stories to entertain so it's not like they are useless or something. Also I love them dearly and will never leave them)

I don't know, I am just so happy this lil series got to exist, and that it brings people joy. It brings something else to me too, something I cannot exactly express with words. I might make another comic about it one day lol

[karinamay]

Writing interview tag game

Thank you @cinnamontails-ff for the taaaag now I get to ramble about writing hell yes

When did you start writing?

I've been writing stories basically as long as I can remember, and I was a very avid journal keeper between ages like 7 and 21. First time I decided I was going to "write a book" I was 10, and me and my best friend at the time got permission to spend 2 hours or so every week at school to work on it because it was a "good creative persuit", whic was pretty cool. I have been writing fiction ever since, and I think I started writing fanfic around when I was 16 or so, so about 14 yearsish ago.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I write (urban) fantasy/romance pretty much exclusively, but I read all sorts. I do enjoy me some good dystopian, and some scifi here and there, and from time to time I 180 into reading less fantastical literary fiction that borders on nihilistic-satire-black comedy ish (I've read Bret Easton Ellis' entire bibliography, to give an idea). In the end most of what I read is in the fantasy with either romance or found family (or, ideally, both) realm though, I love escaping to magical worlds.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I try not to compare my work actively to other writers'. Of course there are writers I admire and look up to, but there isn't a writer that I want to "write like" really. I write very much like me. And with that, I don't think I've ever specifically been compared to another author? Not that I can remember anyway.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

My current writing setup is in my living room, which is not ideal, it's just because my wifi doesn't reach into my office well enough. I am in the process of moving my shit over there though, so I'm excited to turn that into a bit more of an inspiring space. The only nice thing that I currently have in my writing space is my recently spruced up "bookcase" (I'll put a picture under the cut.)

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Work for it. Nine out of ten times when I sit down to write I don't already have the spark or whatever that I need. (The tenth time is a great day, but it just doesn't happen very often, and it also doesn't actually necessarily mean your writing will be better that day.) When I have sat down on the days when it's not immediately there, and I start writing, it will usually come. It's kind of a stupid writing will come from writing loop that feeds itself, if that makes sense.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Healthy communication is a big one, whether that's between romantic partners or any other kind of relationships. I write a lot about power and corruption and I'm big on found family. None of this is surprising at all. What is surprising to me is that I've started leaning more into creepy/eerie/horrory realms over the past year or so, which isn't really a theme, but definitely a genre I never thought I would enjoy so much.

What is your reason for writing?

Because it's the closest we can get to magic in this world. I get to dream up worlds and people and watch them try and fail and succeed and evolve, give them life, give them reason, fear, doubt, love, everything. It's fucking brilliant, and even though I get stuck and it's frustrating, I will never be able to not do it, because I don't know how not to.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

"I felt like I was there" is something that will always get me, that motivates me to no end. And I love when people start theorising, trying to figure out what's going to happen next. I weirdly get drawn into the theories, even though I know what happens next. I love it.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

Huh, I don't know. As someone who really cares deeply about the story I'm writing, I think. And hopefully as someone who captures the voices of the characters they love and who does them justice.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Dialogue. My stories are very dialogue driven, and I take a lot of pride in how the dialogue runs. And hand in hand with that dialogue, knowing when to throw in a bit of humour, especially in a dark story, without it feeling cheap.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Depends on the day, although I'm starting to get to a place where I'm generally pretty happy with it. There are many things I know I can improve on a lot still, but in the end, I do like what I'm writing, and I do think other people do/would like to read it.

It's a work in progress but the vibes are vibing imo.

[endlessceaselessboundless]

OK, this is the second time I've seen this Wall-E take on my dash, and apparently I have things to say about it.

A few things. Wall-E makes me cry and my children used to ask to watch just because they knew it made me sad, and that amused them. I do not really like watching this movie, but only because the robots make me sad.

I am, and have always been a fat person.

I understand that people are watching it and seeing the fat people on their scooters and thinking, fat + mobility aid = lazy, morally no good.

HOWEVER, I think this is oversimplifying what is actually going on in space with the humans. The movie is about CAPITALISM and CORPORATE GREED. The people in space are not fat because all their needs were met and so they opt to do nothing.

The people in space are fat because COPORATIONS are selling them a certain kind of lifestyle, one that includes, using the scooters, eating unhealthy and highly processed foods, eschewing physical activity for unlimited screen time (however the pools are there I think to suggest a certain lifestyle that has cache even if they are never used). I never read the fatness or anything else about the people as a moral failing, rather it was a comment on how easy it is to allow capitalism to dictate how we interact with the world.

I mean right now, I am sitting at a very expensive computer, sending my thoughts about a movie out into the internet for other people also sitting at expensive computers to look at and read. We are all ominously close to those space people on their scooters and it has nothing to do with our morals per se, only that we have created a world where distractions are easy to find while connection is not.

Did the makers of Wall-E succeed 100% in telling their story? No, clearly not. Does anyone succeed 100%? No, I don't think so. Everyone is going to come to your creation with their own experiences and prejudices, but I do think they succeeded in making people uncomfortable (and sad, so very sad) and in that way forcing us to think more about the movie. Which could lead to additional insights about it and our own existence and isn't that all a piece of art can hope for?

it was kind of fucked up for wall-e to be that way about fat people now that im thinking about it

[sarahbabe37]

I can’t say I’ve always made the best decision with people in my life, but I always tried to do the right thing, no matter how hard.

There were plenty of times that my words come out thoughtlessly, I spoke before I thought or I just didn’t consider enough how my words could impact another person.

But I always owned my mistakes, loved deeply and lived passionately.

I’ve learned, though, that people come into my life for a reason,

But it’s up to me to figure out what that reason is.

Struggle and strife teach you a great deal, and that’s how I grow.

It’s not an easy process- stumbling, making mistakes and falling flat on my face sometimes..

But it’s just part of growth.

The people that truly love me understand that I’m always trying and believing that I’ll be even better than tomorrow..

At least, that’s my hope each and every day.

Sometimes, I fail and have to pick myself up again.

But when I succeed, overcome and evolve..it’s a beautiful feeling that means everything.

I did it..just like I set out to do,

Just as I love:

If I love, I love with all my heart and hold nothing back.

True love is something I’ll never stop fighting for, especially when I know it’s what my heart and soul wants.

Some may call me naive or foolish, but I’ll do whatever it takes to hold on tightly to the one I love.

Real and lasting love is a rare and beautiful thing and I’ll never take it for granted..

Throughout my journey and across the miles, I know now to listen to my heart when it’s speaking to me:

Distance has always reminded me who is worth keeping and fighting for,

So that’s just what I’m going to always remember..especially in matters of the heart.

Maybe sometimes, it’ll be hard, it may take time,

But true love never fails..

And neither will I.

That’s just who I am and will always be.

Dreamer, lover, believer.

I just believe in love and I always will…

One moment, one person, one forever at a time.

|ravenwolf

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https://theravenwolf.com/collections/frontpage/products/strong-woman-arisen-paperback-book

[hiriajuu-suffering]

Guru Pathik's 7 Chakra Exercise

ATLA is a series that speaks to our sensibilities on life, as well as one of the best coming-of-age stories to be released this century. To help myself, I thought I'd write-up the same process Aang underwent when he opened his chakras for personal growth and self-evaluation.

What am I afraid of?

Failure brought on by a lack of progress. That this point in life will never pass and I will continue to leave things unfinished. I couldn't stay at my first high school. My foreign language requirements kept lingering. I never finished my high school career. I had to take a gap year and go to a different school. I keep getting course incompletes. I struggle to find the motivation to acquire career certifications. It takes me too long to get over anyone. I've been in a stable relationship for years but still haven't gotten engaged. Always made to feel like I'm incapable, when it has more to do with being unwillingly unable. I want to let things flow, but I forget I once knew how to.

Pathik: you are still human, and humans make mistakes, stumble, and fall. When you trip in life doesn't define you, how you get up does.

I failed to meet my potential. My grades never aligned with my intelligence. I could've done more. I don't deserve love if I can't take pride in myself. All I do is let others down.

Pathik: if you let the image you have of yourself be defined by the people around you and your environment, rather than your own actions and character, you let results become your meaning rather than your intentions. You have had many opportunities to be an average, maybe even horrible, person, but you must remember you always chose the highest ground available to you. A lack of success does not mean a lack of good. You are allowed to be happy even though you aren't perfect. You are not a bad person for failing, you become a bad person when you stop learning from failure and let it fester into hate.

What are my biggest disappointments in myself?

I'm never who I set out to be. I was never a good enough son or brother. I didn't make 1st band. I couldn't go past the tipping point to fully dominate as an individual debater. My talent couldn't offset my look being unmarketable to make it in the recording industry. I could never win enough in card games to garner respect. Seeing anyone as worthy of trust became impossible for me. All I will ever get is rejection, within my control or not.

Pathik: Letting your failures undermine your zeal for life is a fallacy. While you experience failure, you still continue you to try to push to achieve something because you never truly fall out of love with the process. Music, Debate, card games are still crucial parts of your life you fall back on: while you have become shy with your talents, converting them into half-effort karaoke, panels, and dulling your edges, you stop committing to yourself. The same is true with the work you need to finish, you always hold out hope you will succeed but you remain too afraid to try to. The first three chakras balance your id, ego, and superego, the three have become warped in the same lamentations. Whatever you do, do your best to not be paralyzed by the changing current, afraid of getting hurt. You must take the risks to obtain something worthwhile.

My grandfather. The only reason I know what a sense of family and community is was my grandfather. I met someone who gave me that same sense of naturalism but she passed on as well. Then my aunt, the final person who was always in my corner left this world again and the isolation from the pandemic hit especially hard for that reason.

Pathik: their love isn't gone, it just takes time for people to convey love to you the more damaged and twisted up inside you have become. Loss and betrayal have become your familiar feelings where security, comfort, and belonging should be. You must remember you are never alone. Even though you may not feel the love reaching you is all that deep, there are still people who would mourn you. Your family would miss you, there are still people that both need, want, and pray for your survival. Part of your identity is your ability to unify, you have never shied away from this responsibility. Whether people say it or not, people do appreciate you for carrying their spirits as a part of your own and see you as valuable. You must be willing to accept love in order to commit to giving it back.

In what ways are you not speaking your truths?

My identity puts me into a place where my life is insignificant to those around me. Straight men of color are given the least compassion of any diaspora, being a member of the most slaughtered racial demographic and religious affiliation means my life is societally more dispensable than my white, female, or non-Christianized background counterparts. While it is a contributing factor as to why I get stifled, there's only so many times I can shake it off. I'm weary. Weary of vehemently androphobic women. Weary of the structural inequality in which the individuals a part of it are ignorant of their own white exceptionalism. Weary my labels on paper throw me into the model minority myth but I receive none of the privilege associated with it. Weary that of any random stranger, I would most often have the most contempt and bile directed at me, even if only implicit.

Pathik: you seek to control your identity in an era people want to assert themselves the most aggressively against their born identities. Asian-Americans and Hispanic-Americans continue to voluntarily whitewash because of a sense of self-hatred they were socialized with for being different. Accepting your difference isn't a weakness just as being cisgendered isn't a strength. Being secure in your expressions is something you ground yourself in, some in this world will attempt to taint the purity of that expression of the self. There is nothing wrong with accepting your own nature. You have a devotion to who you are in ways people can't reconcile, feel blessed you can. Coming off as lacking confidence in your identity to appease other minimizes yourself; you don't do so in front of students no matter how carefully your frame your rhetoric, why should you need to worry about appearing meek to adults to not intimidate them? Humility is not holding yourself back to make sure you never have a stronger trait than anyone else, humility is simply knowing you're no better than another person even though they have insecurities you may not.

I never really knew if my life was my own, Everyone always says anyone is capable of anything if they set their mind to it, but I stopped believing that a long time ago. I tried to convince myself it's because I didn't put forth enough effort and therefore didn't try hard enough even though I gave everything possible. Was I always meant to feel this drained? Living in reality constantly feels as if it comes with a tax, and I have too many dreams to make even an infinitesimal amount of them a reality. The choices I'm making are putting my wheels in motion, but it doesn't feel as if I'm actually going anywhere.

Pathik: at times, the pathway to enlightenment is so treacherously scenic, we often forget and lose parts of ourselves along the way. But to think the suppression of parts of oneself is a method to self-actualization is an illusion, folly of a great order. Humans often define themselves by trauma rather than events being defined by their character. Each action a person takes represents the image of themself they put out into the world. The paradox of life is we think we are defined by our actions and accomplishments when history is only made so by us living it. Everything is connected. Differences in the outcome of human action are only distinctions humans make for themselves, whether you succeeded or failed is not determined by a goal, but the process by which you learned. Life is just as much about the journey as it is the destination; without the journey, the destination is unearned. Even if it feels like you aren't making progress, to have faith is to believe the only constant in life is that change will happen, and to be at peace with that. Stoking change in your favor rather than fearing it is the manner in which you win fortune's favor because fortune favors the bold, not the stagnant. As long as you are doing something, you are achieving something, even if capitalism makes it seem otherwise.

What attaches me to this world?

The thought of making the home for myself I have yet to find, the partner that will care for as deeply or even more so than they care about themselves. Children I will love unconditionally and try my best to impart no expectations on even though they are my blood. Guru Laghima fully opened this chakra and was in complete harmony with his bending because he transcended his mortal coil and became one with air. There's a certain melancholy in knowing how to transcend, to feel alone of your own volition, no one truly grasping your sense of self. Yet, all I feel is pity for Laghima and Zaheer, especially upon P'Li's death. The gift of life is wasted on the living, and there's a particular nihilism that pairs with detachment. Connection to humanity is the meaning by which life becomes worth living. I fight for the sake of others, not to spite their objections. Balance only exists in conflict, not in the absence of it: all that does it bottle conflict up until surfaces. If change is the only constant, we will find new things to be attached to. That sense of novelty is why any singular earthly attachment and its absence aren't the answer. Cosmic power wants me to make deep and meaningful connections, not toss them aside. This is not muck in the swirls of energy within my soul, it is a dam I constructed myself that should only be broken upon death's doorstep. Otherwise, I lose sense of the world and become even more lost than before.

Pathik: in many ways, being attached to all is the same as being attached to none. Seeing value in every little thing, the tiniest components that help balance our world, is a means to connect to the universe, but it does force you to release the pool of energy you build up from time-to-time. Not only will you need a constant flow of new individuals and experiences in life, you will need an equally constant flow of individuals and experiences leaving your life, meaning happiness and sorrow will be at balance. Choosing to live in this strife isn't considered a noble choice within chakra manipulation, but is for a Muslim's relationship to creation. Depersonalizing consequentialism is the only real way for the creek to flow smoothly, but the absence of life indicates no change to the creek at all. Life can be tumultuous but finding peace in life is knowing no obstacle is truly bigger than you are if you get over yourself.

[stewyso]

Alexa, what am I?

One look into a reflective glass and a joyful smile turns bittersweet. what am I feeling? I ask my mind. I don't think I recognize myself, is this what I look like all the time? The thought makes me frown.

But is this accurate? I don't think it is. Maybe I look better? I know I'm lying to myself, I hope one day I'll get myself to believe it. You know people always say 'you're your harshest critic' I probably look better to others. But what is better? I ask. "I don't know" I answer myself. well what do we think better is? I ask the same mind who's thought of the question and is going to answer. My everyday question of 'am I insane?' passes by. I don't pay it much attention. It's a normal question to me at this point, I think I'm insane but if I'm still functioning and not hurting anyone do I really need help?

ugh what was I asking myself before? Oh right 'what is better?'. Well, maybe better would be a nicer smile. "Why are you unsure?" "shut up it's just a filler" the two voice argue. They're not actually different but dwelling on that makes me feel weird. They haunt me but in a weird sense give me companionship. My lips are also weird I'd like it if they were a different shape oh! maybe a different size too. I've always loved and simultaneously hated the way they looked, just an inch away of being what I deem pretty. But is it really what I deem pretty? or someone else? I can't decide, can't it be both? My eyes too actually I don't know what I want different about them but I don't like them either. 'There were times you liked them' the, what I imagine is gentle, voice says with a hint of wonder. 'well all of this can't be changed and you should get ready enough of staring; it's useless and somehow makes you feel non-human' the voice speaks as if it's not my own thought process.

Since when have I started thinking like this? Too long to remember I suppose and the thought scares me. The voices are always switching. Sometimes what I've taken as me is talking. It's in 1st person and it's my genuine thought process no 'lies' or 'maybes' or 'do I actually think this?'.

The other I've imagined is more androgenous is harsher usually trying to pull me back to reality and realistic. Other times it says things I'm not sure of; in the sense that it's about me but I don't know how true, 'or false' the other voice reminds, it is. I'd dwell on it but I know that, as of right now at least, there will be no answers found. The third voice I imagine is slightly more feminine it's one I'm less knowing of despite it being my own extension of sorts.

It makes me realize how cocky we as humans can get. We think we know so much yet we don't. We explore failing to understand our own being. The same words made into endless strings shaping our person and constantly changing. All to just to be erased, completely forgotten as we take a last breath drowning in something that isn't darkness and isn't light, and not something we'll be conscious to decipher and work our brains for more words about. Death, I think is very intriguing it takes you away words unspoken, questions unanswered, thoughts misunderstood by the same person making them. And I wonder what are we? Is there a way, an answer to that question? even if it lies in the hands of a deity one who will not or maybe cannot share it with us I think it'll put me at ease to know if there is. 8 billion humans, each different yet each so similar and each will never view things the same way.

I blink, one time 'what was I just talking about before this', two times, I go back word before word, thought before thought and I remember 'the third voice'. The third one is special it feels foreign in away that's a bit hard to describe, and almost like something I wish I was but will most likely not be. Sometimes it'll treat me with kindness remind me and convince me that whatever insecurities I'm having aren't true, sometimes it fails others it succeeds. Other times it will break me down like it's holding a piece of paper in a boring place, tearing it once at a time. And, unfortunately, she's the one who's words I believe, or at least convince myself I do, most. Lately I've been believing it a lot more and I find it brings my mood up and down too fast, like a rollercoaster who's parts are built seconds before the cart passes over at full speed. And it angers me in ways I do not understand it makes me helpless, frustrated and weak it makes me feel like a doll, built to be perfect and failing. Dolls are pretty and anger is not pretty I've subconsciously believed over the years, and violent mood swings are even uglier and now tell me who would seek out an ugly doll? my voice and the third's mesh together and I think 'is that normal' 'who cares if it's not' it replies.

'who are you?' I try to ask, try to understand, learn, collect from this voice I've pathetically learnt to call a friend 'I'm not a person to be asked that' it replies tone mad and annoyed 'right'. The conversation ends and I feel even crazier but at least I'm not talking out loud right? I think this is better at least.

⋆─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──‧₊˚ ☾ ｡ ⋆─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──‧₊

hi (ﾉ⁠・⁠ω⁠・⁠)⁠ﾉ this is my first post i hope it good lol i appreciate any advice/constructive criticism

[bilyana-bang]

I loooooveeeee these😍 okayyyy ....

Sun - I give space for people to be themselves, I love deeply and uncondionally, I can see people's highest potential and most amazing qualities, I fight for people's dreams and fight for them to believe in themselves.

Moon - neveeerrrr in relationships, I can't hide my feelings, I can't lie, I can't manipulate. I hate all those things. I want complete honesty and nothing else. 💯 even if someone tries to supress their feelings I make sure to ask and stay with the person so they open up.

Mercury - yes 🤣🤣🤣

Venus - physically affectionate, affectionate with their words, touchy, gentleman, classy, hot , sexy 🤣 has divine Masculine traits. A lover boy.

Mars- well it depends if I need to approach anyone, if so I will, but usually others approach me first.

Jupiter - oh I consider myself extremely lucky

Saturn - umm I think some adhd symptoms, so for example, can't focus on something unless it's interesting, forgetfulness lol can't wait for things !! 🤣 but I actually don't have the majority of the symptoms, like I'm not hyperactive at all nor am I disorganised or indicise.

Uranus - education , education should be individualistic, meaning give children incredible amounts of inspiration when they're young so they can see what they like and not like. Not 18 years of maths, science etc for all. In the current education system, only the academic child succeeds. In the future our peak will begin at 20 not at the current 40. Its not coincidental that everyone is lost after they leave school. That's the first time people find themselves. I believe that if you've been through the current education system you have been intellectually abused. Only 1/100 will go onto Academia, therefore we would have all failed in school at some point and felt bad for no reason. Or got scolded by a parent for no reason. This system will vanish. I hate that I wasted 23 years of my life on it. Gatekeeping information. For what. It's going to end soon.

Neptune - intuitive af

Pluto - haha.... twin flame awakening and discovering your twin flame.

Ascendant- YES

IC - 50/50, my childhood was primarily with mum, grandma and auntie and siblings cause dad was always working and tbh I don't remember much of him in childhood. I used to think I was so rich because I loved everyone and that's what I thought being rich meant🤣

Descendant- Friends : extremely, extremely kind. Guys: really hot 🤣

MC - no idea

Aries - yes because of my ADHD but I've recently been less so

Taurus - oh gosh, so before I went mainly raw vegan it was lasagne, donuts, pizza, anything chocolate, cake, wraps, fried cheese block ( non vegan days), Muffins, Cupcake, brownie, Bueno. After I went raw vegan, its Banana Slushie, Orange Juice, Any kind of fruit juice, smoothies, any raw food, I love trying out new food, mango, peach. Any fruit. I love Everything I eat ! My favourite food used to be Bulgarias' most famous salad. Shopska Salata. Tomatoes, cucumber, onion, ( Cirene - Bulgarian White Feta cheese) salt, vinegar, oil, lemon. Everyone used to know me as salad girl 🤣 because of how salads were my favourite. I still have some cooked food when I desire it. Like Love Raw, I've stopped eating processed sugar foods because I get my sugar kick from the fruit but damn that is one good vegan Bueno. I wrapped one in a pancake once, oh my days 🤤🤤🤤🤤

LoveRaw and Oreos are THE top tier of vegan food.

Gemini - yes ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Cancer - oh yes I really do!!!!! And that starts with a guy . My dream has always only been one dream my whole life, it's to have a lover I really love, because that's who I see as a family first. I've been single my whole life because I've never found that. In fact, that's why I initially wanted to be an actress. Because I used to really like the boys in the movies and thought, I'm drawn to them for some reason, I want to act with them to see why. (Later, when I discovered my twin flame, I understood why. But that's a story for another time haha). If I don't have extreme passionate love in my most direct relationship, that's just so scary to me. A future I don't want 10000%. I think I'd like 3 children. I really want to be a mum, to love someone all the time, for them to look to you for their self esteem and for you to only love them unconditionally and see what person they are in this world. To share the love for your children with a husband and to see your husband and children playing together ❤️ to expand your family with someone you are in love with. To see your lover in them. I've always played around with what kind of upbringing I want them to have, I used to really like the surfing lifestyle in the sun and water whilst eating fruit, or imagine if they grow up in a city or somewhere cosmopolitan with a beach at the back of the house. Goodness this all depends on who I marry really. I have no idea what their career will be? A surfer ? A business man? Your life literally depends on your partners' job and your own job. If I want to be an actress in America, then realistically I will end up with a business man who works in New York, so I might end up with the city lifestyle. I just know that I don't want a man who's really busy though. I wouldn't like to not see them or be with them. I don't want that relationship where you need space from each other or where you need to both be working so you miss each other or only see each other for the nights. Or where you have fights (I never want to fight with my lover). Or where your life is majorly focused on your job. I can't do that. I need a lover. I need a lover lifestyle. I need someone to think about 24/7 😅. I need someone's body to daydream about. I need someone's eyes to look into all the time and feel pure unconditional love between each other. I need someone that feels like only you and them exist. I need someone to love ❤️ nurture and support. 🥰

Leo - I am okay with whatever life gives me, so if that is unnoticed or being the centre of attention. I am okay with both. I don't choose to have a preference because I can not know what another person will think of me or how they will treat me. That's why I don't react if someone disrespects me, if that is how they chose to see me, I accept it. And if someone is nice to me, I treasure it so much. Plus there are pros and cons to both. Being unnoticed for a celebrity may be bliss, being the centre of attention of someone who's been ignored their whole life would be bliss. I like to hear people's opinions and thoughts, I'm very curious about other people's worlds simply because everyone has such different likes, that you're bound to meet people who like things you don't and I love to change my opinion to the positive, I love to be shown a light I previously couldn't see, plus I think most people don't receive a lot of praise and don't feel seen or heard enough, because I realised that the only reason I am strong and confident is because my mum always listens to me, my sister always validates me and so does my brother. I am strong because I am nurtured. Therefore, I like to nurture people that way because that's how I see them, with joy. I think when you are the centre of attention people don't speak up because they're focusing you or they may feel invisible or less than. And if they get to a point where they brake down, that means you were a part of the accumulation of them feeling bad, and I can't imagine someone secretly feeling bad whilst at the same time you're feeling good because of the attention. I don't like the unawareness, blindness and selfishness of that situation. The quote " If you can only be tall when someone else is on their knees" by Toni Morrison really captures it. Plus how can you be happy, when the person next to you is sad. Also, I like to go into their world because I already know mine, any new knowledge from theirs can help me discover new areas of mine too. I don't think I'm drawn to being the centre of attention for the sake of it, however, on the occasion when someone offers it to me, I respectfully receive as it is always nice when someone is nice to you and makes you feel special too. It's a nice gesture :)

Virgo - perfectionists are stereotypically unhappy, however I think that their aims are nothing short of admirable. For someone to dedicate their whole being into success. I like that. It shows they care about their work, which really means that they are respectful to the person recieving their work. The problem is that there is a lot of guilt and shame and attack which comes from self hate. Once you have a high self-esteem and love yourself you realise that you can be happy perfectionist. I am that.

Libra - I'd love to! 1 million percent!!

Scorpio - sure

Sagittarius - New York ! I've always thought that New York was my type of city. But I want to see the world with people I love!

Capricorn - Playing Elektra for Marvel.

Aquarius- social, I like spending time with people I love, hate being alone. I can't do things by myself and not even that but I get in accidents so much and hurt myself by accident so much that I need someone to watch me 🤣

Pisces - I like to try all and I enjoy all.

1H - Classy, Elegant, Feminine, Sensual

2H - no, I don't think I attach to physical things, however physical things do bring back memories of people. I attach to people though. Once I'm attached to you, I'm in love with you forever haha

3H - the movie industry

4H - I'm close with all

5H - reading, but anything will become my hobby at one point haha

6H - Yes and no.

7H - Being vegan is a green flag for me, I can't date a non-vegan nor someone who wants pets. I think those are deal breakers me.

8H- workaholics. No thank you. A lover for me always comes first.

9H - all of them ;)

10H - I am inevitable 🤣

11H - Kind, Attentive, Caring

12H - not having a lover I love. My life hope is that.

Astrology ask game ☄️

sun ⇢ name 5 things you like about yourself?

moon ⇢ do you suppress your feelings?

mercury ⇢ are you a talkative person?

venus ⇢ describe your ideal type

mars ⇢ are you the type to approach others first or do you like others to do that instead?

jupiter ⇢ do you consider yourself a lucky or unlucky person?

saturn ⇢ what are the things you consider you struggle the most?

uranus ⇢ what things do you think should change in society?

neptune ⇢ are you a rational or intuitive person?

pluto ⇢ tell something supernatural that happened to you

ascendant ⇢ do you believe in love at first sight?

IC ⇢ do you think you had a good childhood?

descendant ⇢ what kind of people do you usually attract?

MC ⇢ what kind of reputation do you think you have?

aries ⇢ are you an impulsive person?

taurus ⇢ what's your favorite food?

gemini ⇢ do you have a good relationship with your siblings? if you're an only child, would you like to have siblings? how many?

cancer ⇢ do you want to start a family in the future? how many children would you like to have?

leo ⇢ do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer to go unnoticed?

virgo ⇢ do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

libra ⇢ would you like to get married in the future?

scorpio ⇢ do you feel comfortable talking about taboo things?

sagittarius ⇢ what places would you like to travel in the future?

capricorn ⇢ what's your ideal job?

aquarius ⇢ do you consider yourself an antisocial or social person?

pisces ⇢ what kind of art are you good at? (painting, dancing, singing, etc.)

1H ⇢ describe your style

2H ⇢ do you have any object that you like a little too much? what is it and why?

3H ⇢ what are some of the topics you like to talk about the most?

4H ⇢ which relatives are you the closest with?

5H ⇢ do you have a hobby? which one(s)?

6H ⇢ do you consider yourself a workaholic?

7H ⇢ what do you consider green flags in a relationship?

8H ⇢ what do you consider red flags in a relationship?

9H ⇢ what languages ​​would you like to learn?

10H ⇢ how do you want people to remember you?

11H ⇢ describe your friends in 3 words

12H ⇢ which is/are your biggest fear(s)?

[sankdvl]

A little secret

Remember that i told you how i have always been very pationate and ambitious about what i do and how much i want to succeed in life, yeah, that may not be completely accurate.

Since i was a little kid to probably the first semester of tenth grade i had only dreamt about being successful, rich, independent, living in my own luxurious apartment somewhere in new york and working in a fast moving job

and then suddenly i don't know what happened from the second semester of 10th grade. i guess that reality hit me. i wasn't sure what i was doing and why i was doing, i was infact overwhelmed with assignments, exams, tests, pending work etc. i experienced a whole wave of uncertainty and anxiety whether i would be able to score good in my board examinations or not. I, my school, a few friends that i have, my parents, my relatives etc had so much expectations from me. i feared failing to live upto their and most importantly my expectations. suddenly i was being too harsh on myself. i was experiencing emotions that i had never felt before, i was very sad, i forgot eating my meals, sometimes i would go two days without eating anything, waking up seemed so hard suddenly, i felt disappointed, i would wake up crying and go to sleep crying. i don't know what happened, from a happy ambitious kid who knew what she was doing i was transformed into someone who just did not want to live anymore, i did not want to die because i had many responsibilities and many people who lovde me and i did not want to hurt them, but i wished i had never been born or somehow i could disappear from this world. nothing seemed real at that time. my depression lasted from october 2022 to march 2023. those were the most painful six months i had ever gone through

then my board exams were over and i was filled with relief. In the first week after my boards i was trying to adjust back to normal, i was trying to get out of depression, trying to sleep stress free. it was difficult to get out of the phase because i would have nightmares about me failing my exams, i felt guilty for not studying anymore even though my exams were over, i would wake up in the middle of the night thinking that my exams are not over yet and i was hallucinating about my exams getting over, i would suddenly wake up in the morning, panicking that i had to this or that chapter of mathematics etc. it took me around a week to accept the fact that my exams are over and that i can return to the normal lifestyle i had before 10th grade

Then came the honeymoon period. i was happy, i finally started getting back on my normal life, i was sleeping comfortably, eating, watching tv, cooking my favourite dishes, motivated to have a fresh start from grade 11, i felt that i could do anything. and as you would have guessed, thats when i wrote my first blog 'a little context'

But the again i from week three i realised that i was feeling the same emotions that i was feeling in oct 2022, all my friends had taken PCM or PCB and had already started coaching, they were all so busy while i was lying in my bed not understanding commerce, i tried studying commerce but everything seemed so new, foreign and difficult, i started questioning if commerce is right for me. then i started thinking about the things i had thought about doing after boards that i hadn't done, like learning French, learing how to code, and the we cancelled on our plan of getting a dog which really made me very upset, i felt that i had wasted my time. again i started losing interest in things. i was constantly thinking whether i could again become the happy ambitious person that i was before, i was scared about my result. i was going through the same process that led me to get into depression, i started sleeping till noon, lost faith in me, stopped eating because i wasn't getting hungry, i started crying, losing hope etc. But this time luckily i knew where my habits and feelings were headed so i am trying my best to not fall into the trap of depression again, i am making little progress day by day like instead of waking up at noon i am waking up at 10am, i appeciate myself even if i eat one meal a day because it is better than not eating anything at all etc, although i know i am going through a very scary and vulnerable time, i am trying to be easy on myself and assuring myself that there is still hope and at the end everything will be alright and its just a little dark phase that's going to pass soon and that i am not a failure and that can still achieve what little me wanted to achieve

[talesofhamsi]

Black and White Thoughts

My entire life has been black and white for me. I either succeed incredibly, or I fail miserably. There have been instances where I viewed my life from an "all or nothing" perspective. I never really gave myself the space to feel the grey in between. And when I say "all or nothing", I don't mean that it only limits itself to having an ideal body, an ideal relationship, an ideal work-life balance or ideal academic standing. In addition, there were other conundrums to deal with. I would not want to lie to someone when they asked me “How are you?” I would paint my entire life as it is, to a complete stranger for 15 minutes. I wanted to give them the truth of what’s going on. I always thought about it, minutes later. I felt like I had overshared in a conversation. But it never really was oversharing. It was a black and white way of expressing how I felt. I would never stop myself from sharing every detail of my life with my parents. I led my mom on about information about certain things, which I knew would cause a rift in our opinions and perspective. My friend once asked me, “You know the way you and your parents see the world is entirely different. How do you expect them to react or see the world in the same way you did? What happened to privacy? Do you think it’s really only for your friends?” It struck me like lightning. Why is privacy limited to close friends and family members? Why can’t it be applied universally?

Well, the Assertive Bill of Rights says that Every individual has a right to exercise privacy without giving reasons or excuses. It is funny how I wasn’t made aware of it until someone spoke sense to me. I am sure growing up I was never given the right to exercise and the opportunity to feel this way. Adulting just feels like I’m doing the wrong thing, even though I’m doing everything right to support myself and my mental health. There have been times where I have questioned my opinion of a situation. I believe this is because I have been conditioned to fit into other people's opinions of who, what, and how I should view the world. There will be times where I even require external validation to make sure all my choices are “right”. It was always valid for me to exercise my choices. There is no right or wrong. We only have different outcomes. It also blinds me from seeing the grey in people. And truth be told, it is toxic to a certain extent. It means recognizing a person needs privacy when they do not feel comfortable sharing what happened in their day, no matter how close they might be to me. A friend not being there for me during a tough time doesn’t make them an " unreliable " friend. Maybe they were having a bad day too. A friend not being able to fill my cup when their own cup is empty is a sign that they need space. It also implies that resting is productive. We don’t always have to chase the next big thing in life.

This also means accepting that not everything is about me. And that is okay.

Trust the process was a quote I never really understood. But now I know it means living in between and trusting that things will unfold as you live through them (without chasing them or chasing the extremes). People are always changing, trying and growing into more complex evolving forms. It is fascinating when the most basic human tendencies are invalidated as children, as an adult, it made me question my beliefs and choices, even though I’ve tackled the most traumatic life-altering experiences with emotional intelligence and maturity. Unlearning, and learning is the most uncomfortable position I've been in. It means reprogramming my mind to believe what I am doing is best for me, even when it doesn’t feel that way. But growth doesn't take place in a cosy, warm environment. Regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you feel, if it means standing up for your beliefs, it's worth everything.

[to-be-or-not-toby]

I thought it might help to, when I feel like messaging you or talking to you, that I'd write you a letter. Because I know I can't send you anything to read, because we shouldn't talk because it is bad for me. It is bad for us, but I don't feel like I can or should say an "us". Which that, hurts even more.

I want to tell you I still love you. But I also still hate you. You scare me and I am angry with you and I am so, so, sad.

He can't replace you, so you know. And isn't trying to. He gets that I am broken and am recovering and cannot love the way I want to love because I am barely able to process everything with you. I feel like I can't for a lot of reasons, none of them clear. Maybe it's like disassociated memories and feelings from over the years, that pop up over time bringing a rush of emotions with them always. I think of playing Luigi's Mansion. I think of playing It Takes Two. I think of how happy I was, but also that even with It Takes Two, I felt such guilt and discontent because it was me who wanted a split. Even then I felt uncomfortable.

But then to today, I think about what I want to say with you. Do I want you to see me happy, so you feel like I've moved on? Or do I want you to see how much hurting I am still feeling and doing?

Language reminds me of you. Your cadence, your laugh. Your amazing desire to learn anything and everything. I so so want you to succeed.

I also want you to know it was "Mean" by Taylor Swift that I played. I want to know why you have lied as you have. I even just want to know the truth as to your talk about Anna (did that happen and you just were lying about it)?

I want to ask you so much. I want to live in the reality I dreamed we had. But I also can't stop thinking of the pain points. The things I just breezed by because I wanted to be happy with you.

I want to tell you so much too. That he isn't a replacement for you. And I feel awful about it but likely is a rebound. I warned them I wasn't able to be a relationship because I still loved you. I warned them that I was broken and couldn't be a good partner to them. But I didn't realize til now how much a relationship does hinder me from being able to move on and move forward. Because I can't not compare you two.

I also want you to know that I tried to kill myself at Genesis. I had a kidney infection and was in the hospital before the event, so I had pain meds. I felt broken at Genesis. It was where we met and it was the first time I gave you things to help you succeed. Did I understand it really? No. I just wanted you to like me.

And it made me think of the genesis after that. G6, sitting in the hall making the map list graphic while Erik designed it next to me in the hallway on the floor by a plug.

I remember G7. Honestly, this one will never not stick with me because I had such a good time with it and had friends to help myself and you. I had done everything I was going to do, too. I made people happy. I planned so much and worked so hard. And I was upset at the end for not getting to sign off, but it was my favorite Genesis. And you said once, that it was your least favorite because you did the least. But you had the option to do however much you pleased. You just didn't. And instead of just me covering you silently, others saw you fail and covered for you, better than you could.

I am trying in therapy to dissect out what makes me, as an individual, happy. Not externally driven. And I.. couldn't find it. But genesis is a long story as to the day and night of it. I took more pills. The pain meds. All together, on an empty stomach. And I wrote letters til I passed out and woke to Devon and Em at the door.

I also want you to know it isn't me trying to get you banned from anywhere. I just didn't want you at events I was going to. It was not me who pushed for a bigger ban.

[escape-rock-bottom]

Journal #14 - What Is Success and How to Achieve It

Success is a term we are all familiar with, but not all of us seem to agree on just what it exactly is. By definition, success means "The accomplishment of an aim or purpose." In my opinion, I think the concept of success is highly subjective. My idea of success will likely differ from yours, so this post will be from my perception of it.

To me, success is quite literally how it's defined: The accomplishment of a goal or set of goals you make and work towards.

In order to be successful, you'd obviously need a goal (or goals) to strive for. Success isn't a one time thing but rather a repeating event. We will always be moving towards a goal, big or small, and setting new ones after achieving one is just natural human behavior. Basically, don't go for absolute, onetime success because it's simply nonexistent.

The important thing to remember is the fact that everyone's idea of success will differ - don't let others define your path or goals by their own ideas of success. If your parents believe success is making a six figure annual income and settling in a nice home, but you believe it's getting into your dream profession and traveling, their beliefs will drastically limit your personal progress towards and success of your personal goals.

The same goes for societal expectations: If you happen to be a woman who dreams of being a mechanic but society says you should be a nurse because you're a woman and you listen, your chance of succeeding at that goal to be a mechanic will become fairly unlikely. 

If you fail to set goals for yourself, you cannot succeed at much in life. How can you possibly achieve something if you don't have anything to work towards? Success isn't all just about the big goals in life. You can succeed with what I call "mini-goals", which are either minute and quick to reach goals, or smaller steps towards a big goal. You can have mini-successes upon achieving these.

If you don't have a big life goal just yet, set smaller ones to accomplish such as building better habits, exploring the world, and experimenting with new hobbies and interests. This just may spark some ideas and passions for something much bigger in your future, which is exactly what I did prior to having an idea of an actual life's purpose and goals.

If I never explored and deeply thought about what I wanted to do with my life or what I was interested in, I wouldn't be writing this post, learning the welding trade, or starting a business, or any number of things I do nowadays that I wasn't doing before.

So, now to the fun part (I did promise you steps to success, aye?) How do you go about being successful in your life? This isn't as straightforward as a checklist but rather a journaling exercise. Grab something to write on, something to write with, and time to think about yourself and answer the following:

1. What is my definition of success?

2. What do I want to achieve most? (Big life goals)

3. Why is this important to me?

4. Where am I now in the process of reaching those goals?

5. What smaller steps (mini-goals) do I need to take to finally achieve my dreams? (Try to be specific, but not rigidly so)

Now that you've thought it all out, it's a matter of taking action. Tackle each micro goal after another, and soon you'll have arrived at the finish line. Take a moment to look back at your progress too- sometimes we worry about what we don't have rather than what we already do- and give yourself credit for coming that far. Then, continue moving forward. 

Remember: The only way to succeed is to consistently take action towards your goals and continue moving forward.