#my therapist said she thinks i might have adhd and. yeah.

[lizard-fashion]

Where Is The Next Hyperfixation

[bi-panic-at-the-disco]

i like that my therapist and I went through both anxiety and adhd in the dsm 5 for an hour (I 100 percented those suckers lol) and we were going to look through the autism and ocd parts and she said that we will definitely need more than five minutes to talk about autism

[bumblequinn]

hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.

as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)

but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:

changing expectations

the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!

my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.

when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.

so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?

with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.

with that in mind:

#1: work slower

when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.

instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.

i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!

now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.

doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.

however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:

#2: switch projects

sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.

this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.

the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.

what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.

but it doesn't have to stop there.

#3: switch focus

maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?

let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:

what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today. okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now. alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily? what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?

and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?

what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for? what if i try sampling something obscure? what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?

any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.

or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.

but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:

#4: learn something new

when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.

for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴‍☠️)

it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)

that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:

music theory and composition music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang

mixing and production dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix

general inspiration nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!

(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)

of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:

#5: consume art you love

not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.

but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.

and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.

what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.

as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.

none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.

and finally,

#6: rest, and live your life

let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?

take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).

it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.

i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.

when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)

before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:

be kind to yourself.

being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.

i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.

thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.

with care, bee 🐦

[apathetic-revenant]

uh...hi?

[head pokes around corner]

so...

I've been back to scrolling around on tumblr for a bit now, and have been really wanting to get back to actually, y'know. being here. posting. not just sort of hanging here invisibly like a mournful ghost, observing but never interacting. that sort of thing. (revenants, after all, are supposed to be corporeal undead.)

but I really wanted to explain why I just kind of abruptly vanished in the first place. no one demanded this of me, but it felt like something I had to do. and then, in the typical way of self-imposed obstacles, it became a massive stumbling block. partly because of the nerves and emotions attached to it, sure, but mostly, tbh, because it was a Task. I recently (about 3 weeks ago now?) started seeing a new psychiatrist and got an adjustment to my ADHD meds which basically made my brain boot up again for the first time in way too long. this is great! but it means I am having to kind of slowly rehab my brain into getting used to doing Literally Anything again, one small step at a time. I am not being hyperbolic when I say I had to gradually build up my executive functioning for a while just to be able to write a tumblr post.

but fuck it! I really wanted to just do this already. so, while I'm sure I'll talk about all this in more detail later, for right now I'm gonna strip this down to the bare essentials just so I can get it done at all.

here's what happened:

in 2020 I had a sudden onset of extremely severe OCD.

no, not about the pandemic, actually. yeah I was anxious about the pandemic but it was a pretty normal level of anxiety for a global pandemic, honestly. my OCD took the form of scrupulosity--essentially, an obsessive worry about being a bad person.

tumblr is....not a GREAT place to be if you have a sudden obsessive fear of being a bad person.

now, to be clear: tumblr did not CAUSE my OCD, and leaving tumblr did not cure it. that's just not how OCD works. later on, I learned that atypical antipsychotics--one of which I had been prescribed around that time, for depression--have been known to cause OCD. is there any way to prove that that's what happened? probably not, at this point! so I've just been kind of sitting with that terrible knowledge for a while.

anyway. I would've had OCD anyway, but reading a regular stream of posts going "hey, here's a really terrible thing you might be doing! you might even be doing it without knowing it! you need to think really hard and be constantly vigilant all the time for any sign that you might be doing this thing!" was basically pouring gasoline on the fire.

I never made an active decision to leave tumblr--if I had I would've said something first. I just kind of thought "god, I can't do this right now" one day and didn't open the app, which turned into days and then weeks and then months, and still things weren't getting better.

it's hard to express exactly how harrowing that whole experience was. actually I just started thinking about it and realized I would never finish this post tonight if I tried to get into it just now. so I won't. let's just say: It Was Bad.

but, by an astronomical stroke of luck, I ended up getting referred to not just an OCD therapist, not just the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid, but the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid and also she was really good at her job. I genuinely think that woman saved my life.

OCD therapy is one of those "the only way out is through" kind of things. it's brutal and also quite surreal, but it has a high success rate and is very effective. OCD is not a thing that you can cure, per se, but it went from completely dominating every waking moment of my life to being something that I occasionally have to yell at in much the same way as when the cat starts knocking things off my desk at 3 in the morning.

but, the thing was, it took a year-and-a-bit before my therapist and I agreed that I had probably "graduated" as she put it. so, by the time I felt able to go back on tumblr without my brain catching on fire again, it had been so long that I didn't know how to do it. I felt like I'd pulled a major dick move by just dropping off without saying anything. I still thought about it (usually late at night, at Time To Think About Every Regret I've Ever Had O'Clock) but my brain very easily goes to a place of "well, no one would really notice or care that I was gone, and if they did they'd be mad at me for having left."

well. earlier this year I started on the road to getting past that idea. shoutout to @fordtato for helping with that, btw.

but it took me a while to work up the courage and then, as previously mentioned, even longer to work up the neurotransmitters.

I think I gotta wrap this up for now cause I don't have much concentration juice left. but, for what it's worth: I had a lot of emotions, coming back and seeing the names of people I used to talk to all the time. I don't know how you feel about me anymore, but I really missed yall. I would like to talk to you again.

[plants-are-fun]

sunshine

tw!!!! This is gonna be a multiple parter and will have MANY serious topics. Do not read if you are sensitive to that stuff.

this story contains: abusive dad, mean Chris

Chrisxfemreader

readers pov

————————

I miss how I used to be. I assume I’ll be saying that forever. my childhood was by no means easy, but it was perfect to me.

I had a deadbeat dad and no mom, but I also had the triplets and their parents. I basically lived with them.

I still remember how when I came home from school to their house, marylou would open her hands out as I ran to her yelling “sunshine!” As loud as she could. I don’t think I would have made it this far without her.

me and Nick were the closest. I was the first person he came out to, and although I didn’t know much about what being “gay” meant, I was still supportive. He knew everything about my home life, and swore that he would never tell anyone about it, not even his brothers.

Matt was the one that recognized all of my conditions. He recognized that I was dyslexic when I couldn’t read very well. He would always read for me so I could fall asleep. He also recognized my depression and anxiety, and even my ADHD. Although they couldn’t get me to a doctor or therapist legally, knowing made it much easier to cope. He was honestly like a big brother to me, being two years older.

Chris was my everything. I had the biggest crush on him. I could even say my first love. It was obvious that he didn’t feel the same, but I’m grateful he kept me around anyway. He would never fully speak to me as we got older, but he would always tell his friends to back off whenever they picked on me for my hair, my clothes, or even my smell.

that all changed in middle school.

I was in 6th grade, he was in 8th, and he hadn’t spoken to me all year. I would always walk with him in the halls because I was more comfortable that way. Neither Nick or Matt had a schedule anywhere close to mine, so I never even saw them.

It was in the middle of January when I was trying to find Chris that I heard him and his buddies laughing from around the corner.

“what about y/n?” One of the goons said. I slowed my walking, not meaning to eavesdrop, but just so I would turn the corner and be spotted as quickly.

“what about her?” Chris said with a scoff.

“she’s always following you around, like a little lost puppy. It’s so obvious she likes you” some idiot said

I stopped and felt my ears burn with embarrassment.

“yeah I guess she does..” Chris said. I was so hurt. He used to always defend me against these guys and now he’s agreeing?

“but you let her! Do you like her too? I mean, you guys grew up together” one of his friends, Jared said.

“do I like her?” Chris said. I could tell he was embarrassed and maybe a bit flustered. As I thought he was going to defend me, defend us he said “bro, how could I like her? She lives in a trailer park. I could never like someone like that. Nick told me that it always smells like cigarettes and is always filthy. She needs to leave me be. The smell might rub off on me”.

I know I should’ve let it slide off. Middle schoolers are dumb, and they just want attention. But all I could do was stand there and begin to cry.

I bolted away from the group and into the restroom. I stayed there until the end of the day.

all I could think of was how Nick could have done that to me. I didn’t want him to come over to where I lived, but he insisted. He said that ‘it was only fair because I had basically lived at his house’. When I let him in, he seemed supportive, but I guess he was just grossed out. But he was the only person to even know about me living in a trailer park, and he promised he would never tell anyone.

I wanted to hurt him, maybe even out him. But in the end I just shut my mouth and shut down.

when the final bell rang, I ran out with red puffy eyes, and climbed into the back of marylous minivan.

“hey sunshine, how was school? are you ok?” She said. After squeaking out a quick “fine” she just sighed and tapped the steering wheel, waiting for her real sons to come out. Matt came out and I saw him look at me, then his mom before climbing in the front seat. Marylou just gave me a worried look then shrugged to Matt.

Chris came out looking like he was the coolest motherfucker in the world, slouching and nodding to his mom. He got in without even sparing me a glance.

when Nick came bouncing out, he waved to his mom and Chris before getting in the middle row with Chris. He turned to me with the biggest grin on his face and said “hey girl!! How was your day? I have SO much to tell you when we get back.” I just looked at him.

“hey are you ok?” He said, reaching out to rub my shoulder.

I jerked away from him. “Don’t touch me.” I spat out.

“what’s wrong” he said withdrawing his hand.

“don’t even talk to me.” I glared at him. He just looked confused. The whole car was silent. Marylou was looking at me in the rearview mirror and Matt was fully turned around with his jaw on the floor.

“Ms. Sturniolo, can you please just take me home?” I said startling even myself. I had never called Marylou that. Even when I was a kid before learning her name I just called her ‘nicks mom’.

“sure sweetie, are you sure? You can take a nap in your room if you want-“ “yes I’m sure. Thank you.” I don’t want to be anywhere near Chris or Nick. It wasn’t even my room. It was a guest bedroom with a lot of my clothes because I stayed over so often.

“ok sunshine” she muttered.

the whole car ride was silent. It took everything in me not to burst into tears and tell her everything, to ask her to not take me home. The last thing I wanted was to go back home. But it was obvious that I was bothering the poor family, so I would give them what they wanted.

once we pulled up, I gathered my things and jumped out of the car. After saying thank you and ignoring nicks goodbye, I started walking, before remembering I had forgotten my water bottle on the cup holder. I ran back, to where Chris was waiting with the window rolled down, holding it out to me. I took it and turned away before hearing him mutter “not even going to say thanks?”

I turned to him and said “thank you, Chris. I hope being here didn’t make you too uncomfortable” quiet enough for only us to hear it. “You should take a shower when you get home. I wouldn’t want my smell to rub off on you”. He looked like he had seen a ghost, but I didn’t care. I just walked off and slammed the door on my way into the house. I heard the car start to drive away when I felt a searing pain hit my jaw. my dad was awake.

“What the fuck do y-you think you’re doing here? I told you I don’t want your stupid face in here.” He slurred “I’ll stay in my room” I whispered. I knew he didn’t like me, but I never thought he would hit me in the face like that.

“ok, I don’t fucking care. Stay out of my sight. And if you ever slam my door again I’ll kill you.” I was used to empty threats, but after just hitting me, I didn’t know if it was empty anymore.

“yes sir” I said as I walked to my room.

that night I cried harder than I had ever before. I cried so hard that I threw up. After going to the Bathroom to brush my teeth, I saw the bruise that was starting to form.

I got out my flip phone and texted Nick. I couldn’t have him asking questions.

to: Nicky :))))))

hey, I’m taking the bus tmr, I don’t need a ride there or back.

from: Nicky :))))))

ok, r u sure? It’s rlly no problem. and r u ok??? Did I do something????

to: Nick Sturniolo

yes I’m sure. Night

that would be the last time I spoke to him.

Chris POV

—————

I still stay awake thinking of that day.

I don’t know why I said it. I didn’t mean it, she had to have known.

I wanted that stupid group of boys to like me so bad, and stupid fucking Jared had some sort of obsession with her, so I didn’t want to make him hate me by being her friend.

I didn’t like talking about her behind my back, but what would the harm be if she wasn’t around? It’s not like any of these guys would ever talk to her.

I remember being so worried about her. She would always come to school looking like she never slept, never showered, and never ate. It kept up until we took her in.

one day there was a stench on her, so I confided in Nick. He didn’t want to tell me, but I have a way of wiggling information out of people. He felt so guilty after, and made me swear I would never speak of what he told me, even to Matt. But of course I had to run my mouth to fucking jared.

we knew she lived in a park, but that was it. She wouldn’t even tell my mom.

during that car ride, I knew something was wrong. I would have been an idiot not to see it.

when she whispered those words to me, I knew I had fucked up.

Nick asked me what she said, but I was so worried that I could lose Nick too, that I just told him she said thanks.

Nick was distraught after he got the text saying that she would take the bus.

after it became clear she wouldn’t be coming back, Nick gave me her clothes to give to her. She just took them and walked away.

I began to hate her for the affect her absence had on Nick. Why would she do that to him without even explaining? Was she protecting me?

but she shouldn’t do that to Nick.

I hate her.

————————

not sure how I feel about this but I hope you like it!!!

please leave reviews and comments below!!

[n7punk]

Hey sorry if this is too mushy and long for a tumblr ask but it’s really important to me that you know that you made a huge difference in a stranger’s life with your writing. I was practicing gratitude with my therapist and one of the things I wrote down was “n7punk fanfictions”, and it made me realize you might not know that. You might not know how much impact your writing has had on a stranger’s life (and I’m sure on many others’).

Sometimes, literal direct event-changing impact. I have ADHD and struggle with checking my nonwork email, so my best friend is subscribed to your ao3 even though she never watched She-Ra and she’s purely subscribed to let me know any time you update. A few months ago we had a huge falling out. I genuinely thought we’d never talk again. Then she sent me a screenshot of your first chapter for olig with a text that said “just thought it’d be tragic if you never see this”, referencing the fact that I always play at least one heathers song when we’re carpooling. This directly led to us talking again and finally figure it out. You literally gave me my best friend back. She even sometimes jokingly says she extended me “an olig branch”. I don’t really believe in manifestation but my best friend does lmao. She wrote “n7punk will find happiness” on a paper and everything after we resolved our fight. I found it a little concerning tbh but heartwarming nonetheless.

Anyway, I want you to know that you and your existence matter so much to at least these two strangers. We don’t need to know your name or age or anything about you to care about you. You’re n7punk on the internet, and you gave and continue to give me so much, and for that I’m so grateful. Wherever and whoever you are, I hope you thrive and I hope happiness will always find you.

oh my god 😭 thank you sm, because yeah, i dont know that so thank you for telling me 💖 things have honestly been rough lately with family stuff and it really helps to hear. every time i start feeling... idk a little hopeless, or adrift, or questioning my ~purpose~ i just think about that couple who got married because of my fics and now im going to think about this too so thank you so much 💖 i'm so happy you and your friend were able to make up

[pain-is-too-tired]

Am I the only one who's kinda getting bored of the "haha Percy is blonde like Will, the you're not my type scene is gonna be so funny" or whatever?

Specifically because Walker looks nothing like how I imagine Will?

Like yeah, he's blonde. But not the blonde I see for Will? It's a darker tone. Plus He does not have lanky cat stretched out in sun vibes sorry y'all

That, and Nico never specified he meant looks when he said Percy wasn't his type.

Cause if we compare Will and Percy they're different in a lot of ways.

Will's a healer, Percy's a fighter.

Will is described as laid back and appearing a lot more harmless then he really is. Why Percy is constantly being described as frightening and even godlike. He's a whole storm why Will's a cat stretched out in the sun.

Both are stubborn,but Will is a lot better holding in his more extreme emotions. It takes a lot more for him to be loud when going back and forth with someone. He can sound annoyed but he hardly ever sounds angry.

That and Will can calm down others like Clarisse, why Percy ends up matching them in attitude at some point.

Like I said, Percy's a fighter which often leads to impatience as usually in a fight its so quickly placed. You have to strike first before your enemy gets you. His adhd is a lot more hyperactive.

Will on the other hand has to balance patience and speed. Rushing can be dangerous, but you also can't be too slow or else chances of your patient dieing grows. It applies to how he interacts with others too.

And I honestly think that might be why Nico clicked more to Will. Will just has more patience to get through to him. He gets upset but he keeps his cool. Literally,iirc, they were in LITERAL HELL before they had their first true out right fight.

Idk why it urks me so much now. It was funny at first but it feels it's been beaten to the ground.

I think a lot it is also I feel Will is way too often chopped down to Nico's "hot therapist boyfriend". That y'all literally think of Percy was blonde that's all was needed to be Nico's type again. Like that's all that makes Will his type.

Heck, think about the fact Percy hardly ever defenseless. If he doesn't have his sword he has his powers.

Nico's thoughts on Will why he was literally going on about him in boo is that despite his harmless figure. Despite being a healer and not a fighter. Will rushes in to battle, even volunteering to scout on a enemy right after DELEVERING A BABY AT 14.

I think Nico found Will a lot more welcoming because Percy is just too much like him in some ways.

Sure, they can outsmart opponents, they're not dumb or completely dependent on their weapons and abilities. But without them they're a bit more unsure of their next moves. We see that Nico,despite being on the verge of dieing, still instinctively relies on his abilities. Though we don't see a similar case with Percy, his abilities is what makes him great enough to go toe to toe with literally gods. Nico's connect to death related abilities radiating from him was enough to scare back monsters.

Both need someone who isn't as use to being able to depend on weapons or godly powers strong enough to topple armies. They need someone to keep them grounded.

It's why Will and Annabeth click so well with their respective boyfriends. Annabeth constantly coming up with plans, she has only really her wits and a small blade to get her the upper hand. AND SHE DOES SO. I'm sure if Percy was in a situation where he couldn't use any of his abilities and either without his sword or couldn't depend on it as well, she would easily think of a plan and keep him from over doing it.

Will,like Annabeth, doesn't have the same powerful aura that his boyfriend does that keeps others literally backing away.

But he still managed to walk past Gemini without being stopped. I refuse to believe that he can't handle himself in battle like TSATS tried to say.

Anyway, really excited to see baby Will in the show in a few years fhdh

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy - Let's Do This Thing

In keeping with my brand of, well, Ellen-posting, since my name is Ellie, I thought I'd continue Ellen-posting by reading a book by someone who used to be named Ellen and doing a review of said book for radblr. I'm going to break it up into chunks so you're not faced with giant posts of me rambling or EP rambling.

I would like to say that I feel like there are very few 30-somethings who should be writing memoirs. I've had a pretty exciting thirty-ish years on the planet and I don't think I'm qualified to write a memoir - not because it wouldn't be full of interesting, beautiful, life-changing, sometimes horrible things but because I'm only thirty-ish. I prefer memoirs by people who've lived a bit longer - but again, this is only my preference. I don't read a lot of memoirs as a whole, I guess.

Anyway.

Ellie's Read and Review of Pageboy (Part One)

Author's Note

EP is "grateful and terrified" because trans people "face increasing physical violence" and "our humanity is regularly 'debated' in the media" (citations not given)

the book would not have been written without the "health care" she received, which seems weird because what she describes in the first paragraph about not being able to write seems like ADHD and instead of taking Adderall and being seen by a therapist she took testosterone and had her breasts surgically removed

quotes Leslie Feinberg who, among other things, was a very serious pronoun enthusiast (as evident by Feinberg's Wikipedia page, no I'm not being sarcastic here, just go read it and tell me I'm not wrong)

I want to be a jackass about the last paragraph of the author's note but even I don't have it in me, because it makes sense and is kind.

Chapter One

EP meets someone named Paula and falls in love with her and they do mushrooms together

She thinks about Paula on her trip through Europe

They go to a gay bar

This line hit far harder than it had any right to:

She kisses Paula and it's marvelous

Chapter Two

The Village Voice writes a shitty article about EP calling her a "dyke" after Juno comes out

which is a name she was called many times growing up in Canada

EP played soccer and once went to a tournament in a town I would visit some twenty-odd years later for very different reasons

this is important because she rooms with a girl she has a crush on

she tries to come out to this girl as bisexual

the girl says "no you're not" and then her friends make fun of EP

I learn that Tim Horton's has bagels, which confuses me but is in fact true

EP's grandmother asks her father what they're going to do if it turns out EP is gay

the lines in this chapter that punched me in the chest:

because fuck yeah I was a fucked up kid who didn't plan to live much beyond age 18, EP, I see you

fame is not what EP thought it might be; she doesn't want to wear a dress to things but somehow they tell her she has to and she isn't allowed to say no (which I get, and is not great, but eventually you need to be able to say no and do what you want)

another magazine in Canada asks if she's gay

Paula from Chapter One is seen with her and it's speculated they're in a relationship; Paula's not out to her family and so things are all very sad and EP feels like she will never be free to be who she is

At this point I am just sad. I came out later in my life (22), and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria much later (33), but at age 12 after a lifetime of wearing dresses and having my hair the way my mother wanted it, I stopped letting that happen. I started to wear what I want. I grew out my hair. I learned about makeup and shaving and for a little bit bought into it and then said "fuck no," which I continue to do to this day because it's bullshit.

Who in EP's life thought it wasn't okay for her to wear pants, and why didn't she or someone else stop them? I've obviously never been a famous actor but as an actor aren't you the person in charge of what happens to your image? Why wasn't her publicist or her agent on her side?

I had a lot of good people in my life who made me believe in a future for myself. Sometimes they had to carry me physically through what was happening to make sure I made it to that future, and I'm here today because those people didn't give up on me. Where were those people in EP's life?

There are things about the EP situation that make me bow in over my ribcage. It's just sad, and seeing paths others take that look like they make sense to everyone but which seem to say something entirely different when looked at upside down... which is a rambling way of saying that it's almost 4 am and someone should have told EP she could have been a happy lesbian who wears pants without having her breasts surgically removed and taking cross-sex hormones.

Anyway, the laundry's done, more later.

[yalexxiii]

cw: brief mentions of contemplating suicide

“eVEryOnE’s A LittLE NeURoDIverGeNT” shut up shut the fuck up

If that was the case then why are neurodivergent people still being ostracized? If everyone is a little neurodivergent as you say, then why is there ableism towards them? By extension, why is there a term used to describe them and only them? The term ‘neurodivergent’ wouldn’t need to exist because everyone would fit under it in some way.

Also, I cannot begin to describe how difficult it has been so far to get diagnosed with adhd (or even getting tested for it). So I started questioning if I was because not only was I looking at symptoms online and thinking “yeah, I have experienced X/felt Y in Z situation,” but also because the majority of my friends (who, mind you, are neurodivergent themselves) have said that I radiate those vibes.

Okay, I could be wrong. My friends could be wrong. I could be misinterpreting a lot of things and remember stuff that didn’t happen.

However, that doesn’t negate the fact that I have been told that same thing 100% of the time I tell someone I think I might have adhd.

I mentioned it to my mom, she said that (granted she might not understand how all this works because she still uses the terms mild and severe while describing autism). I also mentioned it to my doctor and she ALSO said that. And I was like “okay, she specializes in medicine and more physical health than mental, maybe she also just isn’t as educated as I want her to be.”

And I was right, and I know this because she sent my mom a list of counselors/therapists that specialize in the field (supposedly, again I might be remembering wrong).

So I have my first session with my therapist, I’m telling her why I’m here (not only bc of me may or may not having adhd, but also bc i told my doctor and by extent my mother that i might kill myself before I reach thirty). She asks me to describe what symptoms I saw in myself/my friends saw in me and-

Okay is this a me problem or is it next to impossible to describe the exact symptoms? My friends haven’t really described exact symptoms other than one time where they said that listening to one song on loop for hours on end (which is something i do) is a version of stimming. And that moment I felt so stupid that I couldn’t name any off the top of my head but also upset that she kinda expected me to come in, manila folder in hand, of every symptom I saw in myself.

But that honestly wasn’t the part that stuck with me from that session. Because the thing is…

SHE ALSO TOLD ME THAT EVERYONE IS A LITTLE NEURODIVERGENT.

Granted, paraphrasing, but she said it multiple times iirc.

And maybe this is just a case where she wanted to tell me that I was not alone in feeling these things, but also I feel like I’m being dismissed and not being taken seriously repeatedly. At least tell me I could get tested, stop beating around the bush.

And after all that, she told me that I could take the Raads-R test, which, if you don’t know, is an eighty question quiz you can take to see if you show signs of autism (autism, not even adhd like I came in for. But then again if I have one chances are I likely have the other). So obviously, because I came into therapy again to help me get answers to my questions, I take the quiz with my mom so she can help me with parts of the question.

And that’s another thing I don’t like so far about trying to be diagnosed. Every quiz I’ve taken to see if there’s a possibility I’m neurodivergent always has to have the most polar answers ever. It’s always either “I always do this” or “I never do this.” Leaves no room for sometimes and maybes.

The Raads-R test is only different in the case where it also specifies age in its answers (like, it has answers like “I have done this only when I was sixteen/ older than sixteen.” Which I’m not sure how to feel about when I’m fifteen and the quiz was likely made only with adults in mind, but whatever.

So I finish the test and I get a score of 154. Which rounds up to 160, which according to the test, means that there is strong evidence indicating I have autism. I’m not sure if the test is completely accurate, but me scoring that high on a test that a licensed therapist recommended me taking has to mean something.

And me scoring that high on the test only makes me more pissed at people who say that everyone is a little neurodivergent. Because it both invalidates experiences of people who are indeed neurodivergent and, from experience, likely discourages people from getting a diagnosis in the first place.

Sorry for kinda ranting about this, but sometimes shit gets me peeved and I need to gather my thoughts and get negative feelings out of my system. And I’m keeping in mind that I have only seen that therapist once ever. Things could change and I may just be jumping to conclusions. Hell, I could wind up not even being neurodivergent.

But hearing that over and over while I’m trying to have someone take me seriously is so tiring and makes me want to give up on trying. And I can only imagine how tired people WITH diagnoses are with hearing that.

TL;DR: No, not everyone is neurodivergent, and imo saying that is invalidating to what actual neurodivergent people experience. Neurodivergence is a spectrum, but not every living person is on that spectrum.

[clunelover]

Because it’s fun and interesting to me, I am going to write all my characteristics that I previously thought of as just quirks and now I think could be signs of autism. I can also use this as a reference when I talk to my therapist:

As a child, could not look people in the eye. I was berated for this and forced to look people in the eye (ugh…) and as a result I am better at it but still find it pretty uncomfortable and often get the balance of how much eye contact to make wrong

As a child, hated the feeling of anything sticky on my hands, or touching things if my hands were sticky. Would walk to the sink with my fingers spread way apart so they couldn’t touch each other, and turn on sink with my elbow so I didn’t have to feel my sticky hands touching the faucet. I was made fun of for this. I really like how things have shifted on this matter - C is like this too, and everyone just sort of takes it as obvious that he has some sensory issues!

As a child, was always chewing my hair, and chewed a lot of holes in the neck area of my shirts. I was always berated for both of these things, threatened with short haircuts, etc. Again, a big change - C chews on everything, but at least now chewing jewelry and things exist. I am frustrated about the holes chewed in his shirts, but would never think to BERATE him for that!!

Have always felt weird and "not like other people" to varying degrees

Certain situations have always been hard for me, which I now recognize as sensory overwhelm - the big one that’s stood out is shopping. The lights and smells and visual input of stores (esp clothing stores/department stores) have always made me shut down and turn into kind of a zombie. This always made me feel "not like other girls" when I was a teen - all teen girls love shopping! Except me, I didn’t. Being fat and never being able to find clothes that fit me certainly didn’t help, but now I know it’s more the other stuff. I tried to go to Costco recently as an exposure (like, I thought I just didn’t like going there cause of anxiety around crowds) and instantly felt exhausted and like I was just shuffling around without full awareness of where I was or what my body was doing. Now I know - that’s not something I really need to push myself on!

Have always had a vivid fantasy life, including repeated daydreams that I liked to try to have over and over because it felt good to live in them, but a common one was of being a famous actress interviewed by Barbara Walters (cause as I have mentioned, I loved 20/20 as a kid), but then I’d often accidentally imagine myself saying "when I was a kid, I used to imagine you interviewing me" but you can’t reference a fantasy within the fantasy, so that would make it instantly dissolve and I’d have to start over.

As a child, would narrate my own actions in my head for an unseen audience…I think this also ties in to an apparently common autistic trait of discomfort with being perceived…like, if I narrated what I was doing, it made the fact that other people might see me and notice what I was doing, a little more tolerable? I didn’t know this was a trait til BFF mentioned it yesterday…I was like "omg that’s me, I don’t like being perceived!" And she said, "I know, you hate it!" So that seemed notable, that the degree to which I don’t like being perceived would itself be perceptible (lol).

Related to previous, i often feel like I don’t quite know how to hold my body. If I feel like someone is watching me walk, I suddenly am not sure how to walk, etc.

I have pretty good social awareness and empathy, but if I speak off the cuff I do often say things that are inadvertently rude. Like, I recently was leaving a get together after most of the people I knew well had left, and someone said "you takin off?" And I said "yeah, there’s not really a reason for me to stay now." I instantly knew that was rude and regretted saying it, but that does happen to me a lot. (I guess that’s another overlap with ADHD, like sometimes the impulsivity of ADHD can manifest as "blurting out things you wish you hadn’t")

In social situations, I have difficulty knowing how to end a conversation, or transition to a new topic. I experience this a lot in therapy, where I will often say "okay what’s next" or "what’s supposed to happen now?"

Can be very concrete or literal. Slightly off inflection or unusual ways of wording things can lead to me missing the meaning of what is said, even when in retrospect it’s still pretty obvious.

Hearing difficulties and needing people to repeat things often - my hearing is normal, I now think this is an issue with auditory processing

Another sensory thing - have often dressed weather-inappropriate, never want to wear socks and will wear shorts and sandals even when it’s cold, but also have been known to bundle up in a sweatshirt when it’s hot out. When I had dropped out of college and was living at home with my dad and stepmom, I had a great psychiatrist who ran me through every test he could think of to determine I had bipolar, and this included talking to my family to get additional context on my behaviors. And my dad, who has a phd in rehab psych, helpfully told the Dr about this habit, and then said that some of his own patients had this same quirk (he worked at the time in a prison, as a psychologist for prisoners who were also mentally ill), and that "I think of it as having a broken internal thermostat - and I associate it with very severe mental illness and psychosis." My psychiatrist was like "okay well thanks for the info but I don’t think Meredith wearing sandals in winter is a sign of severe mental illness" (man, I loved that guy!)…of course, my dad saying that really fucked with me, and so I have since made more of an effort to dress normally. Oh and this also reminds me of how one of C’s first notable sensory symptoms was that he’d try to strip off all his clothes as well as his shoes when it was time to leave for daycare.

Mild face blindness - will not recognize people when I see them in a new context. Most often noticed this when I worked at the telefund- I worked with a lot of student callers, and knew them well at work, but when I saw them outside of work I couldn’t recognize them

Oh and as for working in the telefund - everyone who knew me found it odd that someone with so much social anxiety would find so much enjoyment and success in cold-calling people to ask for money. But you see, there’s a script! A very strict script you must follow (including pre-planned personal anecdotes to build rapport!) and I definitely thrive when social interactions are scripted and planned! Also, getting a pledge = hard evidence that that social interaction went well - what could be more satisfying!

Repetition - watching the same few shows over and over. As a result, being unable to unpair certain experiences or phrases from things in a tv show they remind me of - and having a hard time keeping this to myself when it happens, even if the person I’m talking to doesn’t watch the show I’m thinking of! As a result, do better with people who have seen the same shows (oh and this is a sister thing too, we communicate a lot via 30 Rock and Peep Show quotes)

Will find a word or phrase I like and repeat it a lot in my head

Strong and undeniable (sometimes so much it feels painful) hyper fixations. I will find a new hobby and go all in. It’s all I can think about, i MUST pursue it, and I also need to tell everyone about it. Recent examples are growing mushrooms, and biking. This of course is an overlap with ADHD, and it’s also a confounder with my bipolar, like sometimes a new fixation can seem like mania (and/or, it IS mania!)

Recurring feeling like I’m on a boat, ever since having been on a cruise. Has recurred from being in the ocean, but lately seems to recur from lack of sleep, or stress. Google "autism and dizziness," and wouldn’t you know, there’s a link. It’s common for autistic people to also have issues with their vestibular system, which results in dizziness. They also can experience sensory overwhelm as a feeling of dizziness, which I do.

Ooh, this took me a while to write but it was fun and helpful. I’m sure some of these are like "everyone has that sometimes" things I might be overblowing, but also - it’s a spectrum, and, as my friend who also has an autistic son was saying to me recently, "everyone has a sensory profile!" So to some extent, yes, everyone might have these things.

[kart0]

Why is breaking up with your therapist so hard ? This is very long btw I'm sorry

I've been meaning to stop therapy for quite some time now. I mean, at least change therapists cuz I feel like all progress I could do with her, I did, so now there's nothing else to do. We've been ending the sessions earlier cuz I honestly don't talk about how I feel much. I just tell her how my week was and what I did.

The thing is, I love talking. All the time. But I hate when the person I'm talking to doesn't pay attention to what I'm saying. And around 10 years ago I realized, people like to talk more than listen. I figured out pretty quickly that there's the one who talks, and there's the one who listens. And that's ok. So I ended up taking a listener side, even though I LOVE talking. That's ok, I can be less selfish, and more empathetic right ? I can be a good listener. I can do this thing, I can be better. When I had no filter, I used to just yap around and annoy everyone so this is very good right ? I felt very mature when I stopped talking.

But whenever I have the opportunity to talk, oh man I WILL TALK. Obviously ! I'm not THAT stupid to pass this chance that I rarely get.

Anyways, it just happens that a lot of things happened this week, I hung out a lot with friends, went to the cinema twice, and ugh more stuff that I'm lazy to write but I did a lot. At least for an introvert like me.

And when I talk to my therapist, I don't really say out loud my opinions and thoughts, only if is necessary, or if she asks. But for this week I needed to give her a lot of context, and I wanted to tell her my opinions about everything. I have very strong opinions and I am very critical. And I like to think I'm a very passionated individual as well.

And honestly ? I just needed to vent. I haven't properly talked to anyone what's been happening (nothing bad I promise) so obviously I'm gonna talk a lot. I have been keeping these thoughts inside for quite some time now.

And the first thing she says "oh you're definitely maniac aren't you ?"

UGHHHHHHH no !!!! I am TELLLING YOU and trying my best to give you context of why I'm feeling the way I feel. I want you to understand my point of view. I never, ever, say my opinion to anyone. And the one person I felt like it was supposed to be safe to tell... Ugh. You're supposed to listen to me. At least you !

I haven't told her about my new diagnosis. I haven't told about my MISDIAGNOSIS. I haven't told her a lot of things. And she's saying that. Confirming the misdiagnosis. It makes me feel...bad. I'm not 100% sure I was misdiagnosed, and I'm not 100% sure of the new diagnosis. I'm not sure about anything really but her poking on this insecurity... Dang. It's not her fault tho, she doesn't know, I haven't told her...but...maybe she could consider that... Maybe I have ADHD instead of bipolar.... I. I don't know. And when I believed I was bipolar, and would say "I think I'm maniac" she would doubt me.

And I just had to pretend to agree like yeah I guess you're right.

When I just. I just wanted to talk. I just needed to talk I really really needed to. It's been bothering me and. I. Ugh. I got a reminder of why I don't do that.

Even though I know, I just. I just love talking but I don't have the opportunity to always do. And I am scared of what you think of me, I don't want you to reprimand me. I don't want you to think less of me more than you do. So I just don't say how I'm feeling, I just say what I do.

But this one time, this one time I try to talk how I feel, and you say this shit ?

It's the confirmation of why I do what I do and prefer to keep things from you.

It's honestly upsetting. I don't feel free to speak about how I actually feel, and what I think. I told my sister and she said ( she's a therapist as well ) that my therapist might be pathologizing my behaviour. And I think she's right.

I've been controlling myself and acting a certain way. Play pretending. If I'm too happy, and energized, and talking a lot, I'm maniac. If I'm quiet and crying, and uninterested I'm depressed. If I don't show any emotions, and agree to everything she says, even tho it bothers me, I am stable, and fine.

It's just. I think I'm tired. I don't want to talk to her anymore.

But I don't have friends ( friends aren't your therapists btw - but they can listen to u and support u ) and my mom never pays attention, and my sister is very busy and tired and I don't want to bother her. I just. If I stop talking to her I feel like I'm gonna get depressed again.

But... I already don't talk a lot how I feel so if I stop talking to her, what difference will it make ?

I can't put into words, I'm not brave enough to open up how this makes me feel because she won't take me seriously. She's going to ask questions that I don't have the answers for. Why do you want to quit ? Don't you think you need this ? Isn't this helping you ? What is your plan if you stop ?

I don't know. I..I don't know, I don't have a plan but I just. I. I don't know.

She has been praising me on how well I've been doing, and how stable I have been. She said "thankfully you have found a good psychiatrist, and you found the right meds for you. You have to stick to the plan" when I haven't been taking these meds for around two months. And I've been feeling BETTER. I'm better now because I'm not taking anything.

I feel like a fraud. I can't tell her. I don't want her to think I'm a bad person, or stupid, for stopping them. I don't want her to give me the talk of how stupid, and dangerous, and immature it was of me to do things in secret.

I know that. I knew all the risks, I have researched, a lot. I didn't just cut them off and stopped. It was something I did slowly. I tested the waters. I did the best I could.

I did what I thought it was best for me, I had a hypothesis, and I tried it, and I was correct. I am not that dumb ok.

I looked for a different doctor, I looked for a FOURTH, PROFESSIONAL, opinion.

I just don't know how to explain. I did everything I could. I haven't told you because I know how you're going to react. And I am terrified.

I want to tell her how this new psychiatrist told me how smart and intelligent I am. How I managed to compensate the tests on my evaluation, because I was that smart. I want to say it made me so, incredibly happy. I like to think I'm smart but. I'm very insecure.... And . Like. I have so much potential. And this doctor was so nice and. It made me feel so good. I can't express on words here how. How relieving it felt. Ok, I'm not dumb. Ok. Ok maybe I'm smart. I felt proud.

But I can't say this. I have been keeping to myself because I feel that if I tell ANYONE, they will think I'm just looking for praise, or I want validation, or I just want to rub in their faces. No. I'm not like that. I just. It felt good, for the first time, someone believing in me.

My parents, specially my dad, always treated me as if I were stupid. I'm not. They would always compare me to my sister. She's very academic smart. And she's very hardworking. I'm lazy and totally different. I'm not her. And I always, always, felt stupid. An idiot. Look at him he's so dumb he can't to anything.

I wonder how different things would have gone if I had their support. Because well. They think I'm stupid anyways. It didn't matter how hard I tried, I, would, will, always. Always. Be stupid. So I just stopped trying. I didn't study, and I never tried my best. And still. I did well in school.

I got into public unis. Without studying, at all. Even after two years after high school. I did that. In Brazil we can only get into public universities by taking entrance exams.

I got in.

I felt so. Disappointed. When my sister got into her public uni. My parents were so excited we all went to a restaurant to celebrate.

When I got into one. They didn't even say congratulations. It's was on a different state. Far from my hometown.

They didn't let me go.

Isn't that funny tho ? I know they didn't want me to go because they truly, love me. And didn't want me far, and would miss me. And, they also thought I wasn't mature enough, and wouldn't be able to take care of myself. They were right tho lol I am very bad at taking care of myself.

Ugh, I digress. Sorry. I got a little too emotional here.

But I wanted to explain why it mattered so much to me, what the doctor said. I did well, despite everything, because I am just that smart. It's a slap in my parents faces. Even though I always had a harder time grasping school subjects. I was able to.

I don't want to belittle my sister's achievements obviously. I just. I had a harder time and that's ok. She knows that. She would try to tutor me, and I would ask for help.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh I wanna dieeeeeeee ( not really )

Anyways, back to breaking up with my therapist:

The thing that validates my experience is...

I always feel a sense of dread and anxiety when I see that our session day is coming closer. And I always feel relieved right after we finish, cuz thank God now I have one week til the next one.

Lol

Anyways I'll let u guys know, I just need to build up a little more courage to break up with her. Wish me luck I guess

[ariathelamia]

Speed running learning about myself?

So i ended up starting questioning if i might be plural... which... i won't go into it in THIS post particular because that would be a lot to talk about in just one post.... so i start with the other two things i figured out about myself and was already kind of able to confirm? not through a psychologist but through doing those online tests for one.. and then having a talk with friends and suddenly hit with "Wait we thought you knew!?"

So because of me asking in a very long message on another page (idk if i am allowed to mention where but its round.. and reddish.. and white as a logo...) I was told by some that, it didnt sound much like plurality.. more like adhd... another said yeah it does sound like their pre-plurality phase... but also adhd... so i ended up taking an adhd test.... turns out the results came back as "Highly consistent with ADHD"... while i do know that these self tests are not really made to self diagnose but rather give you an idea you might have it and talk to your therapist, which i am definitely going to do... (this will be an interesting next session)... But some of the things really resonated strongly.. like when i sit still for some time, and have nothing to do stimulate me enough... i end up bopping my legs quickly up and down, or open and close my legs/bop my head to a song that pops up in my head... or i end up walking around the house a lot which... all of these things were very often pointed out by my mom that she HATES when i do that, and keeps telling me to stop, only for me to do it again shortly after... And the other thing i super strongly resonated with in those tests, was the statement "I often miss what is being said to me in conversations" which... lord this happened to me like 3 times already just when typing out the message while also talking to people in a discord call if i am not absolutely focused on the conversation, and to literally any small task, like writing something down, or just scrolling through pictures... I totally tune out conversations... The amount of times i played video games with friends while talking, and i just suddenly hear the sentence "Good she didn't hear" or "oh i think she is not there... Nah she is moving?" is LUDICROUS. So yeah... i could see myself definitely being diagnosed with it from my therapist... So i brought that result to some close friends of mine in a call and told them about it... and got hit with the sentence "Well, at least now you know you got the full package of ADHD and Autism!" My reply was "... i don't have autism?" Which was immediately hit my multiple people going: " Aria?... Aria...." and "I thought you knew!?" (disclaimer: My thought about what autism was is probably really skewed by the show "the good doctor"... which is probably a very extreme version of autism.. or something else mixed in?) Which, i asked them to elaborate.. they took a few moments to collect their thoughts and started listing some things which i could right away relate to several occasions or mannerisms of mine, which i never really thought about... here is a list of things that were brought up.. Sensitivity to sounds: During new years, when out with the family and throwing firecrackers, I am not able to function properly, when i know one of those dynamite shaped ones... or square ones, is about to go off, like i cant look away from where they are thrown, and if i notice one about to go off, i have to hold my ears shut or put in headphones.. Fast opening zippers: No, just no, i have to open my jacket or backpack slowly, cause that sound just makes me shiver. I had to stop playing the game 7 days to die, which otherwise was super enjoyable to me, simply because i just couldn't take the inventory opening sound anymore. Silverware: When emptying the dishwasher... i have to take out the silverware and sort it in slowly one my one, because the clinkering sound makes me start breathing very heavily through my mouth to the point where i am uncontrollably blowing air... and when my mom was in a bit of a hurry and started "helping me" by picking them up fast and putting them in the drawer... i physically cringed away from it with my entire body. Texture Sensitivty

Silk: Don't try getting me into anything silky... i hate it i hate it i hate it. It's itchy, it's scratchy, and i hate how it feels running my fingernails across it... Silk bedsheets are a torture device.. Those holographic cards that change when you turn them? running my fingers across them is disgusting... and hearing someone rubbing their finger nails across them is giving me a physical reaction.. as if they are making ME do that... it's also the sound that just sounds like high pitched sipper sounds!? just like times 10... I also struggle a bit with social queues... like some situations in Roleplays confuse the hell out of me, and that shows in my characters reaction at times where i got the "what the f*ck you on about?" response... Also when i do talk with people in real life, i end up just staring off into the room, and not to the person.... i do look at them from time to time to make sure they know its them i am talking to.. but that never lasts for long before i stare off in the room again because i get very uncomfortable when looking at people and talk/open up to them... i fidget with my fingers, rub my thighs... laugh nervously even if it's a serious topic or i am close to crying... just to lift a bit of that awkward feeling... Or when people open up to me! I do love to lend a ear because i know how much it helps to just have someone listen to you! but when it comes to helping them i usually am hit with the realization that... i just don't know how to deal with that situation... idk what i could say or do a lot of the times.. So yeah... that was my day today... lots of realizations and topics to talk to my therapist about... but I'm happy to finally put a name to my weird actions! Cause before i always thought i was just... different but never knew what made me different. Thank you for your time! (idk how to end this post so... sorry it ends so abruptly...)

[fang-is-in-hell]

So im getting pretty sick and tired of professionals I'm seeing not doing anything because of bias

I asked my doctor if I could get tested for autism and he said no cause he didn't want me to be labeled. He didn't think of any of my concerns and reasons he judged it solely off of his views of autistic people.

Another thing is I asked him today about ADHD meds and he said no and that i need to be retested. INFACT he said "I don't think anything is wrong with her and that it's a lack of sleep"

He blamed my phone and my lack of sleep. If that was really the case, then how come I struggled in elementary when I had a perfect sleep schedule.How come I struggled in 6th grade when i had no phone and a not sucky sleep schedule.

IF IT WAS TRULY MY SLEEP AND MY PHONE, THEN HOW COME HOW I STRUGGLE NOW IS HOW I STRUGGLED MY WHOLE LIFE WHEN I DIDNT HAVE ANY OF THESE THINGS

When I had my IEP meeting, The admins blamed my phone and that's the only thing distracting me and I just need tutoring. Like my whole life I've been distracted, In elementary, I would just read my books and talk to people. In middle school, I would just read my books. In elementary and middle school, instead of sleeping, I would read and do arts and crafts. I've simply replaced that, with my phone and that's the issue. My AUDHD caught up with the times and now I'm an issue.

People my whole life said that I should self-advocate for what I need and what's wrong with me but when I did, they said no. I said that i think I might be autistic and that I truly don't know what I need but I know I need help. They flat-out told me no, that's not it that cause they said so without even hearing me out.

I have a therapist now and I wish I could say she's helping me but she's old and senile, she fell asleep mid session and forgot key things she told me. I brought up a couple sessions agohow I think I might be autistic and told her my proof and she said "yeah, that might be a plausible" but now has the audacity to tell me last session that I might not be and im just a little wierd. Wow, I would've rather you just chucked me out the window.

My whole life, I've felt lost when it comes to help avaliable to me cause my parents didn't know how and my school counselor could only bring me a schedule change but no real help and my SPED department practically told me to go fuck myself because I didn't know what I needed and therefore wasn't gonna get any help. (That's like me saying I'm hungry but idk what I'm hungry for and someone telling me that I'm not getting anything to eat because of that). My doctor said he wouldn't test me cause he doesn't want me to be labeled and in fact he thinks it's my phone that caused all this. My therapist is old and dying right before my eyes and can't even open box, how the hell is she supposed to help me?

Despite self-advocating like everyone told me, the same people are now telling me that I'm invalid in my feelings and thoughts.

There's a certain level of lost you hit before your like "what's even the point? I should just give up" and I'm fighting everything to stay away from that, but I fear I'm at the line just before it

Post made by @amethysttheanarchist

[achaiapelides]

Kit's Diary

Chapter 14

Dear Ty,

I did not write you for quite some time, but that's not my fault at all... Lies. It's totally my fault. I forgot where I put this book and spend four weeks trying to find it. Guess where it was? Under Mina's bed. Luckily Mina can't read yet, so she obviously didn't read what I wrote in here.

Apart of searching for this book, there was a lot of stuff happening this weeks.

Firstly, I had to write some exams. English and History went pretty well, Geography and Spanish, too. With German, I had some struggles, but I think it was good enough to pass. Math, though, was a different story. We were learning about something called vectors, but damn that stuff was so confusing. Why are we learning this? Do they think that before I fight a demon, I stand there and calculate, where the demon is coming from? No. I just stab. Also, I totally failed this exam. We don't have the grades yet, but I don't quite think I want to know them. Also, I had to do a test in physics. I just guessed because I didn’t understand shit, but I apparently I guessed right becauseI got an A in that test. I'm not complaining.

In addition to the exams, we also had to hand in our assignment paper from the history project. You remember the books I told you about? Yes. This project. We chose the book about Anne Boleyn. Stupidly, I started reading a bit too late and only had three days to do the whole assignment. I don't have to tell you that I was awake the whole last night, right? Yeah, not making that mistake again. We also didn't get any grade for this yet, and I honestly have no idea if I did good or not. But I think I didn't fail completely. It's still history, not maths. Lol.

Secondly, I did this hypnosis thing I told you about. Tessa was willing to cast that spell and I apparently told her and the therapist all the stuff that my mind pushed away to protect me. The thing is: I still don't remember it, only Tessa and the therapist got to know it. Originally I wanted them to tell me what happened, but after Mrs Sullivan informed me, that any details might make me remember those repressed memories, which can damage my mental health even more and I guess we all don't want that. So, I agreed that they only tell me a short summary of the events I forgot, without any major details. Tessa told me then that I apparently survived several attacks coming from faeries as a child and also several people from the Shadow Market that tried to assault me. Every time, I told them, a mysterious blonde woman saved me, but I didn't describe that woman further and had no idea who it was. Tessa suggested that it might have been my mother. She also told me that there were other violent people in my memories, but didn't want to specify who it was, only that it didn't seem to be their intention to hurt me, but to keep me safe. Maybe she ment my father because he definitely wasn't the gentlest person on earth.

Apart of that, I also got my official ADHD diagnosis. The sheets really helped Mrs Sullivan and the expert, who joined her, to diagnose me. Thank you, too, I guess. Now, I legally can have more time for exams, for example. Not that I need it. I'm usually not too slow. And if you can't math, more time ain't gonna help you either. I also talked to that expert about you a bit, and he said, that it's actually very possible that you have autism. See, I wasn't wrong! He also told me, that, if we are on speaking terms again, I should encourage you, to also get a diagnosis, even if it won't help you much among Shadowhunter, as it can also ease you mind because you realise that you're not stupid or weird at all.

Thirdly, my friends and I had a sleepover at Cirenworth. Yes all of them. Leo, Sam, Maria, Henry, Hazel and Louise. Henry never visited me, so we showed him around. According to him, the word  "cottage" does not do Cirenworth justice. "That's not a cottage! That's a fucking castle!" Haha. Then Jem explained to us, that legally, Cirenworth is a little bit too small to be a castle, so you have to refer to it as a cottage. But that can't change my mind. From now on forward I will only refer to Cirenworth as our castle now. Anyways, we began our sleepover and watched a few movies, before Leo had the glorious idea to do a karaoke contest. Sam proved to us, that he bears exactly 0% musical talent, Hazel and Louise decided to start a girl group and Leo obviously won, because she's the only one who actually took singing lessons. I, on the other hand, got smacked by Hazel with a pillow, after I sung "Forever & Always" by Taylor Swift a bit too enthusiastically, which, according to her, was very ironic, considering that I am the one who promised to stay with you and then left. Which is fair. But also, just let me enjoy a song goddammit.

Lastly, Tessa and Jem decided that it would be good for me and Mina to see some more of this world. So, we are going to travel around Europe in the autumn holidays starting tomorrow. First we will go to Paris and then to other cities in Europe. But I don't know which. They said it's a surprise. So I'm really excited. But that's nothing against Mina's excitement. She's jumping around the whole day, screaming "Paris! Paris! Paris!" so loud that the mail man looked quite concerned when he delivered a letter.

I hope you also had a good time in the last weeks. Dru told me you visited Blackthorn Hall again with your siblings. And that you have a pet now that eats curtains. Jem also send Church to visit Emma and he came back looking quite traumatized. Now I really wonder what animal your pet is. For all I know it could be an alligator. Wouldn't expect anything less with you. (Please don't let it be an alligator!)

I'm going to end this entry now, as I have to get up early tomorrow to portal to Paris.

Good night!

Love, Kit.

Author's note:

Um... so I forgot to publish the chapter last week and the week before. Oops. And also today is Sunday, not Monday. But I might forget tomorrow again, so here you go. Early chapter!

[pennyroks77]

IMDOINGTHEASKGAMEYOUREQUESTEDHEREWEGOOO

Penelope:

- I feel like she might be European or generally from a foreign country (maybe french or something) but at this point she's been on the internet so long that she's basically fluent

So when she tells people she's not actually English literally nobody believes her because she's just that g o o d

- If she loses her news reporter hat she will cry (guaranteed)

- She loves matpat lore videos considering she's quite nosy I thought that would be so perfect for her-

- Also she's double jointed

just because

Valerie:

- ok first off

ace omniromantic

that's- that's it that the headcano-

- She watches a lot of old discontinued kids shows like the mister men show

- Speaking of which she kins Little Miss Naughty

- the reason why? She may seem shy and sweet on the outside but if someone pisses her off she would go out of her way to either diss the heck outta them or just straight up make their existence the world's worst

she is a savage, traumatized lil abomination and we all love her a lot

DJ:

- weezer fan. enough said.

- also I'm pretty sure he's autistic

- and when you said that he can't function without music you meant that literally

like every time he takes off his headphones to stop listening to music he basically dies (well he doesn't die, he just kinda enters a music-less shutdown state)

- aphantasia. if you don't know what that means I don't have much time to explain it so google it. learn new stuff. it's good for you.

Fruitbat/Zenith:

- adhd. he's really hyperactive.

- like really hyperactive

- do not give him sugar at all costs. do not.

- he WILL cause a sugar rush-fueled rampage and nearly destroy the entire city. the chaos trio learnt that the hard way.

- also he has Korean heritage. Not sure why but he reminds me of a kpop idol for some reason.

- he's phenomenal at not throwing up after going on rollercoasters

- he's the therapist friend of his group

- basically what I'm saying is that he's both extremely hyper and extremely chill at the same time

I think that's everyone! Let me know if I'm missing someone or you wanna hear more!

Penelope doesn't really know her heritage. she's adopted and her dad moves around a lot looking for work (he is a high school english teacher/counselor) but most likely american.

she will def cry if she loses her hat XD

I can totally see her being double-jointed... I never thought of that but it's canon now

yeah Valerie is aroace

all the discontinued kids' shows (same here lol)

DJ likes pretty much all music so he could like weezer. I just don't know them very well

yeah he's autistic

looked up aphantasia and he's actually the opposite I think

or both somehow? like he'd probably have really vivid dreams but not be able to draw people from memory (I'll have to ask my cousin for confirmation)

don't give Zenith sugar. you are correct that is a very bad idea.

his Korean heritage is canon and I actually designed him with a kpop idol in mind so good job

oh he 100% likes rollercoasters

I love your headcanons :D

[skyllion-uwu]

1, 3, 7, 8, 12 and 13 for the disability pride ask game?

1. What disability/ies do you have? (And are they mental, physical, or both?)

*Music starts up*

Physical: Crohn's Disease, Celiac, Scoliosis, AND Kyphosis. My ankle might also have something going on with it but I'm not sure if it's a disability from "this has been left untreated for too long" or something else

Mental: Autism, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, probably more shit if I keep digging but right now I don't think I need to

3. What, if any, disability aids do you use? Do you customize them/their containers/outside?

I have an ileostomy because my large intestine is so fucked up from the Crohn's that I basically can't go to the bathroom normally anymore. I have a cover that a nurse made for me but I always forget to put it on so no customization. I also have some citrus slice chewelry necklaces if those count but I need to order other ones

7. What's a struggle you wish more people talked about?

I think I just wish people talked about ostomies or even just gastro issues in general? Like the most acknowledgement I see are IBS jokes and I can never tell if people are laughing because yeah it is hell or because ha ha poop. I remember when I was first told I'd need an ileostomy that I was like "well this is the end of my social life" because of the stigma around fecal matter. It still gets in the way sometimes but like, my friends don't care. The airplane attendants didn't bat an eye and just helped clean up. My family is constantly trying to help and support in any way they can. Just people acknowledging it as something normal so that when someone does have to get one it's not terrifying to them

8. Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your life?

Being autistic DEFINITELY plays into me being non-binary. I think my OCD also affects my sexuality like yeah I'm aroace and looking back I've always been like that but my OCD affects how I explore it. Which fucking sucks.

12. What's something people don't realize about your disability?

My parents don't seem to realize that yes I'm autistic and that means sometimes there's more to it than quirky things they like. I've gone non verbal a couple of times and gotten in trouble for trying to communicate in writing, I sometimes have a flat "bitchy" voice because I don't have the energy to emote and that doesn't mean I'm angry at them I just can't be a cartoon character anymore, and I've gotten in trouble for vocal stimming. Also same with ADHD, I get in trouble for not remembering some things over others and not having time awareness. Like sorry my brain latched onto a video game instead of reminding me to grab the cat's dishes because I'm leaving in 10 minutes (this means nothing to me)

13. What's the most Abled Person Thing someone has said to you?

I have TWO things. First one, I used to have this therapist I chose because she said she worked with autistic patients and I was starting to suspect I was autistic. I brought it up at the first meeting, she never really brought it up again except for our second to last meeting. She suggested I was a "highly sensitive person". I looked it up then and

Oh my god it's literally just autism symptoms. I was like "do highly sensitive people tend to be autistic?" and she was like "Erm it's often confused FOR autism". She also specifically said "if" I was autistic that I'm "likely high functioning" and "it wouldn't be worth getting a diagnosis". I don't plan on trying to get diagnosed anymore but at the time it felt like a punch to the gut

The second was also when I was a skeleton (flaring up and losing a shit ton of weight because I couldn't absorb any nutrients) and was being pushed in a wheelchair at Disney World. My mom was pushing me and we were headed to the Nemo ride. The cast member at the line entrance "jokingly" said "Don't think you're the princess for the day" and other stuff after that I blocked out. Sir putting aside the misgendering I am almost quite literally a skeleton and barely have any energy. I do not think I'm the princess I think I am going to die YOU CAN SEE MY BONES-