#breaking up with my therapist

[kart0]

Why is breaking up with your therapist so hard ? This is very long btw I'm sorry

I've been meaning to stop therapy for quite some time now. I mean, at least change therapists cuz I feel like all progress I could do with her, I did, so now there's nothing else to do. We've been ending the sessions earlier cuz I honestly don't talk about how I feel much. I just tell her how my week was and what I did.

The thing is, I love talking. All the time. But I hate when the person I'm talking to doesn't pay attention to what I'm saying. And around 10 years ago I realized, people like to talk more than listen. I figured out pretty quickly that there's the one who talks, and there's the one who listens. And that's ok. So I ended up taking a listener side, even though I LOVE talking. That's ok, I can be less selfish, and more empathetic right ? I can be a good listener. I can do this thing, I can be better. When I had no filter, I used to just yap around and annoy everyone so this is very good right ? I felt very mature when I stopped talking.

But whenever I have the opportunity to talk, oh man I WILL TALK. Obviously ! I'm not THAT stupid to pass this chance that I rarely get.

Anyways, it just happens that a lot of things happened this week, I hung out a lot with friends, went to the cinema twice, and ugh more stuff that I'm lazy to write but I did a lot. At least for an introvert like me.

And when I talk to my therapist, I don't really say out loud my opinions and thoughts, only if is necessary, or if she asks. But for this week I needed to give her a lot of context, and I wanted to tell her my opinions about everything. I have very strong opinions and I am very critical. And I like to think I'm a very passionated individual as well.

And honestly ? I just needed to vent. I haven't properly talked to anyone what's been happening (nothing bad I promise) so obviously I'm gonna talk a lot. I have been keeping these thoughts inside for quite some time now.

And the first thing she says "oh you're definitely maniac aren't you ?"

UGHHHHHHH no !!!! I am TELLLING YOU and trying my best to give you context of why I'm feeling the way I feel. I want you to understand my point of view. I never, ever, say my opinion to anyone. And the one person I felt like it was supposed to be safe to tell... Ugh. You're supposed to listen to me. At least you !

I haven't told her about my new diagnosis. I haven't told about my MISDIAGNOSIS. I haven't told her a lot of things. And she's saying that. Confirming the misdiagnosis. It makes me feel...bad. I'm not 100% sure I was misdiagnosed, and I'm not 100% sure of the new diagnosis. I'm not sure about anything really but her poking on this insecurity... Dang. It's not her fault tho, she doesn't know, I haven't told her...but...maybe she could consider that... Maybe I have ADHD instead of bipolar.... I. I don't know. And when I believed I was bipolar, and would say "I think I'm maniac" she would doubt me.

And I just had to pretend to agree like yeah I guess you're right.

When I just. I just wanted to talk. I just needed to talk I really really needed to. It's been bothering me and. I. Ugh. I got a reminder of why I don't do that.

Even though I know, I just. I just love talking but I don't have the opportunity to always do. And I am scared of what you think of me, I don't want you to reprimand me. I don't want you to think less of me more than you do. So I just don't say how I'm feeling, I just say what I do.

But this one time, this one time I try to talk how I feel, and you say this shit ?

It's the confirmation of why I do what I do and prefer to keep things from you.

It's honestly upsetting. I don't feel free to speak about how I actually feel, and what I think. I told my sister and she said ( she's a therapist as well ) that my therapist might be pathologizing my behaviour. And I think she's right.

I've been controlling myself and acting a certain way. Play pretending. If I'm too happy, and energized, and talking a lot, I'm maniac. If I'm quiet and crying, and uninterested I'm depressed. If I don't show any emotions, and agree to everything she says, even tho it bothers me, I am stable, and fine.

It's just. I think I'm tired. I don't want to talk to her anymore.

But I don't have friends ( friends aren't your therapists btw - but they can listen to u and support u ) and my mom never pays attention, and my sister is very busy and tired and I don't want to bother her. I just. If I stop talking to her I feel like I'm gonna get depressed again.

But... I already don't talk a lot how I feel so if I stop talking to her, what difference will it make ?

I can't put into words, I'm not brave enough to open up how this makes me feel because she won't take me seriously. She's going to ask questions that I don't have the answers for. Why do you want to quit ? Don't you think you need this ? Isn't this helping you ? What is your plan if you stop ?

I don't know. I..I don't know, I don't have a plan but I just. I. I don't know.

She has been praising me on how well I've been doing, and how stable I have been. She said "thankfully you have found a good psychiatrist, and you found the right meds for you. You have to stick to the plan" when I haven't been taking these meds for around two months. And I've been feeling BETTER. I'm better now because I'm not taking anything.

I feel like a fraud. I can't tell her. I don't want her to think I'm a bad person, or stupid, for stopping them. I don't want her to give me the talk of how stupid, and dangerous, and immature it was of me to do things in secret.

I know that. I knew all the risks, I have researched, a lot. I didn't just cut them off and stopped. It was something I did slowly. I tested the waters. I did the best I could.

I did what I thought it was best for me, I had a hypothesis, and I tried it, and I was correct. I am not that dumb ok.

I looked for a different doctor, I looked for a FOURTH, PROFESSIONAL, opinion.

I just don't know how to explain. I did everything I could. I haven't told you because I know how you're going to react. And I am terrified.

I want to tell her how this new psychiatrist told me how smart and intelligent I am. How I managed to compensate the tests on my evaluation, because I was that smart. I want to say it made me so, incredibly happy. I like to think I'm smart but. I'm very insecure.... And . Like. I have so much potential. And this doctor was so nice and. It made me feel so good. I can't express on words here how. How relieving it felt. Ok, I'm not dumb. Ok. Ok maybe I'm smart. I felt proud.

But I can't say this. I have been keeping to myself because I feel that if I tell ANYONE, they will think I'm just looking for praise, or I want validation, or I just want to rub in their faces. No. I'm not like that. I just. It felt good, for the first time, someone believing in me.

My parents, specially my dad, always treated me as if I were stupid. I'm not. They would always compare me to my sister. She's very academic smart. And she's very hardworking. I'm lazy and totally different. I'm not her. And I always, always, felt stupid. An idiot. Look at him he's so dumb he can't to anything.

I wonder how different things would have gone if I had their support. Because well. They think I'm stupid anyways. It didn't matter how hard I tried, I, would, will, always. Always. Be stupid. So I just stopped trying. I didn't study, and I never tried my best. And still. I did well in school.

I got into public unis. Without studying, at all. Even after two years after high school. I did that. In Brazil we can only get into public universities by taking entrance exams.

I got in.

I felt so. Disappointed. When my sister got into her public uni. My parents were so excited we all went to a restaurant to celebrate.

When I got into one. They didn't even say congratulations. It's was on a different state. Far from my hometown.

They didn't let me go.

Isn't that funny tho ? I know they didn't want me to go because they truly, love me. And didn't want me far, and would miss me. And, they also thought I wasn't mature enough, and wouldn't be able to take care of myself. They were right tho lol I am very bad at taking care of myself.

Ugh, I digress. Sorry. I got a little too emotional here.

But I wanted to explain why it mattered so much to me, what the doctor said. I did well, despite everything, because I am just that smart. It's a slap in my parents faces. Even though I always had a harder time grasping school subjects. I was able to.

I don't want to belittle my sister's achievements obviously. I just. I had a harder time and that's ok. She knows that. She would try to tutor me, and I would ask for help.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh I wanna dieeeeeeee ( not really )

Anyways, back to breaking up with my therapist:

The thing that validates my experience is...

I always feel a sense of dread and anxiety when I see that our session day is coming closer. And I always feel relieved right after we finish, cuz thank God now I have one week til the next one.

Lol

Anyways I'll let u guys know, I just need to build up a little more courage to break up with her. Wish me luck I guess

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[traumacatholic]

I would really appreciate some prayers. I've been having so much money problems recently and I'm just not sure what to do. Every month I end up either in the negative or close to the negative. And it doesn't help that each month I have ended up having to make some big spendings because something essential has broken which needed replaced or whatever else. I can't currently get any help to cover my rent, because I'm still couchsurfing. The landlord of the place that I'm couchsurfing at isn't happy with my finances, and may refuse to add me to the tenancy, which would mean I would have to leave here. I don't even know why the landlord has an issue, because the rent has been getting paid on time without any difficulties. If I were to get added to the tenancy, I could finally ask for extra benefits to help me with the rent which would give me more money for living. But right now rent takes away from most of my benefits. I've been trying to cut spending where I can, but it's so stressful and miserable and overwhelming. I hate that I'm still in the same position I was in, where I'm just couchsurfing and trying to catch a break. I'm not currently in a position where I can save any money at all. And there's still the possibility that I'll be in a worse place housing wise if I'm not allowed to stay here. The fact that this has dragged out for so many months, and I'm still in the position of losing so much has me constantly depressed and suicidal. I just don't know what to do. Everywhere I have reached out to has been unable to assist me

[triglycercule]

mtt therapy moment except dust keeps taking breaks to talk to phantom papyrus and horror just wants this to hurry up so it can get to his turn because he couldn't give two shits about dust and killer's trauma and killer physically cannot discuss his issues and just starts zoning out while crying for some reason during it

and i'm the therapist listening to all of this writing down notes fervently because ITS CANON MATERIAL CANON I NEED TO GET THE CANON MATERIAL

[stuckinapril]

I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc

[stephofromcabin12]

I saw this headcannon somewhere I forgot it’s somewhere on here but

Pollux breaking mirrors because he doesn’t want to look at castors face

:(

I see this headcanon and raise you:

He doesn’t because he wants to see his brother again, and this is the closest he gets to being with him.

Castor would not want him to hide away in grief. He’d be horrified at the idea of Pollux being unable to look himself in the eye.

Dionysus is tied to the afterlife in quite a few ways. There’s a distinct aspect of facing your own mortality tied to his revelry. You must celebrate because every day could be your last. If you haven’t experienced the highs and lows of human emotion, have you really lived?

If you travel into the underworld, facing the worst of the worst in terms of despair and loss and tragedy, but never crawl out to compare it to life, what’s the point of your suffering?

And if there is no point, then why stay there just for the sake of giving up hope.

Pollux wouldn’t stay that deep in grief. Maybe at first. But he’d circle around. Look at him in The Last Olympian. He’s the exact opposite of avoidant. He breaks his arm and offers to fight with the other. He’s not going to give up. He’s going to keep going, because that’s what Dionysus would do. That’s what Castor would have done.

[amateur-scribbler]

I wish he was the right guy.

I wish it was the right time.

I wish he was different.

I wish he had truly been mine.

I wish the better he hoped I would find, was with him and not with some other guy.

I wish we had been better, that we were the kind of love that makes you believe that stars truly can align.

I wish he wasn’t just another guy in a long line, the next to step up will be fleeting because I still dream of his eyes.

I wish for more and I know it’s what I deserve, and I know there are those who would offer that love, on a silver platter it would be served.

I wish he realised I loved him like the sun loves the clouds; he was a blanket of comfort that shielded me from the scorching self-destruction that I often sought out.

I wish it had been us.

I wish it had been him and I.

I wish that when he thought of home my smile was the vision that came to mind.

I throw coins in fountains wishing for these things but, truly I wish I could erase this want to pull at every one of our threads that hang like loose strings.

I wish I could forget him and every single of one our what ifs. Most of all, I wish that for me, invasive thoughts of him would no longer persist.

the wishing well - t.k.o

[gideonisms]

this job has so far been extremely uneventful which also freaks me out because I'm like. What's the catch when is it going to start attacking me

[the-casbah-way]

i never ever cry in front of anyone ever but there was this boy i was OBSESSED with in primary school when i was like seven years old because he was the fastest boy in the class and he had cool spiky hair and i always thought it was a crush until i came out and realised it was gender envy of some form and today my friend out of the blue told me that i look like him and we looked at his instagram together and i actually do. i look almost exactly like him. and i cried like an absolute wanker because i’ve been so miserable my whole life being perceived entirely the wrong way and i went home today and looked at myself and realised i look like the boy i always wanted to be when i was a kid. and whenever i feel bad about myself i get to remind myself that i look like him so i shouldn’t feel bad because back then i couldn’t have ever dreamed of getting to look like this. and t will only make it better and even though the idea of starting it is still so scary to me i keep having moments like this that make me realise how good it’s going to be even if some of it will suck. i always focus on all of the ways my transition has gone and will go wrong and i forget that it’s going to go right in a lot of ways too

[hope-ur-ok]

I have not eaten anything today and I frankly don't have the motivation to make anything, or even care that I haven't had anything

[pjharvey-moved]

i’m very much not a well person and i never have been but it’s really annoying that it feels like every year i get worse off and develop some new thing and i feel like my sister is really the only person giving me the actual kind of support i need. i’m always afraid to confide in my parents because i hate being pitied and i love them but they do a lot of that and i think a lot of my friends think i’m either too needy or that specifically with my ex bf that was on some level my fault.

[mischiefbuckley]

so last November I got my nose pierced and the flat cartilage pierced on both of my ears, got my first tattoo (currently now have 3) and dyed my hair pink… so what should I do this November is the question I was thinking red hair and a septum and eyebrow piercing lmao 😭

[soup-is-here]

Mouthwashing Spoilers

TW: Addiction and Self Harm

I wanna go on about Swansea's final monologue but it's hard to put into words, but I'm gonna try anyways cause it's a short, but strong story about autonomy again. This post ended up significantly longer than I wanted though

It's the autonomy to choose the "less healthy" option because it's appealing to you. It's the moral assignment to normality and stability. An alcoholic is an alcoholic by choice, technically, but do they owe us otherwise? Is it morally reprehensible to enjoy taking LSD at a party? Should we see someone as less than because they relax with a xanax instead of a hot shower? It's not healthy. We know that. We've seen anti-drug ad after ad after ad. But is that the part that's morally wrong, in and of itself? Does enjoying the drugs and chaos make Swansea a worse person?

Like him talking about his entire life and ending it by saying between the "stable" "normal" life and him waking up every morning with a new hangover, he preferred the latter. People always talk about getting clean and fixing their lives and Swansea did it! He did the thing "good men" do! A wife and kids and a trade job and sobriety! He was doing it! He was finally "worth" something!

And he hated it! I mean I don't know if he actually hated/despised it, but he misses his previous life. He misses drugs and partying and living like you might not wake up the next day. He said the thing that changed him was seeing himself dead in a ditch under the bright beam of a streetlight. Now he's looking down the barrel of a gun. And as he looks down it, he looks back. That was his preference. It felt good to be like that. And he wouldn't be here if he stayed there

We always have a narrative about drugs or gambling or sleeping around where a person suddenly realizes that they aren't "doing anything" with their life and becomes stable and it's always played like addiction is a false pleasure. Swansea got to the stability people said would be the real pleasure of life and that just wasn't true for him. One bad paycheck could've been the difference between his stable life and falling apart anyways. His lifestyle was going to kill him someday apparently, yet he's staring down the barrel of a gun at his steady trade job to feed his wife and kids.

I don't know quite how to word it but Swansea is the poster child for rehabilitation. There's this weight to him saying his alcoholic period was the best time of his life. Like it just hits at that pang that makes people wear DARE shirts while smoking weed and post those videos of smoking 100 cigarettes at once. Anti-vaping ads tell you about the damage they do to your body but everyone knows that already. Everyone knows "this is what your brain looks like on drugs." I smoke medical marijuana and it isn't good for my lungs but it's good for my pain. Doing drugs isn't good for me and I know that and that's sorta the point sometimes.

I don't know it's just this weird pang where I know what Swansea means, just not to nearly the same extent. I don't have an addiction so I don't think I could fully understand it. Maybe a better thing I could relate it to for myself is self harm. It's not healthy sure, but who do I owe health? Myself? Other people? And what is healthy? Is it feeling better now? Is it resisting now and feeling worse for it until it stops? What if the coping skills I learn make it worse? What if they make it better? Do I want it to get better? Does Swansea want to get better? What would better feel like to either of us?

Who knows until you try. Swansea got a collared shirt, a mortgage, and a credit card. He got a job and a wife and kids. He got sober. He got healthier, depending on your definition.

But did he feel better? He's looking down a barrel of a gun and he has to decide if he feels better. It doesn't seem like he regrets his new life. He says he wants his kids to be better than him. He wants good things to happen for them. He saw himself as one bad slip away from falling again. I don't think he felt better though. I think he got healthier. He likely would've ended up in the ditch he dreamt about, but we don't know that. We also don't know if that's what he'd prefer. But, we do know he got healthier, depending on your definition.

[theflagscene]

Literally everyone: Diew’s grandpa is so adorable and funny, check out his guns! 💪

Me: I love him so much! - he’s gonna die.

SO: You are so fucking morbid! Why would you say that?

Me: Because it’s true, you’re a writer, come on, you see it right?

SO: …grandpa is fish food.

Me: ^_^

SO: You’re still evil, we could’ve lived in ignorance for a little longer.

[slutdge]

Not to get deep here or anything but i really think i dont want to have a relationship with my sister anymore and ive been reflecting on that a lot. like sure she didnt abuse me or really do anything to directly traumatize me, but she voted against me having human rights because im queer, as well as voting for a party that wants to harm first nations people despite both of us being first nations i just.... i dont think i can forgive her for that. weve had laughs and good times together but i find myself unable to forgive her for her politics. i wouldn't tolerate bigotry from anyone else, i shouldnt tolerate it from someone just cause theyre family.

[dreamyeyedrose]

listen if we brat summer our way out of fascism I'll fuckin take it