#my therapist is gonna be tired of my craziness

[djarinslover]

I may actually be clinically delulu bc my god, I make myself sad imagining things that’ll never come true but like also think they’ll definitely come true????

Help

[femmefaggot]

ok hi haha lol I dont rly feel like going in circles in my head forever trying to figure out whether, among other "smaller" things, being left alone in a room w only media as a child and not feeling like I had even a semblance of a personality for most of my life counts as "trauma"

a lot of these parts of me are new, I'm just recently putting names to them and it feels as though I'm developing facets of personalities in my mid 20s after a lifetime of either feeling like I'm basically just ADHD in a person, an amalgamation of kins shoved into a body, or something made of guilt Also shoved into a body.

I don't like, claim to know what this means. but I don't think a lot of my current mutuals would feel comfortable interacting w me bc I don't necessarily believe in the black and white of what plurality is. I'm not able or planning on getting any formal diagnosis and while I'm discussing this w my therapist they're very much not one to pathologize

I definitely don't feel like one person but I dont think id count for most of you as a "system" as the different parts of me feel as though theyre still developing. take all of this as you will, I'm not going to stress my body out more by trying to figure out "what" I am as I've been doing that my whole life and I'm kinda tired of it.

I know that I'm not entirely one thing and feel Enough like multiple things for myself, but blurred in a lot of ways. like some sort of gem with many different facets.

not sure where to go w this tbh take this how you will. im not comfortable saying I'm leaning one way or the other regarding system discourse, (<- not a phrase i want to use but the best shorthand i have) as I genuinely don't believe the human brain is nearly that black and white.

I'm both "me" and very much not "me" at times. idk what this means but ik I'm not comfortable saying im just pandora and im not sure im "allowed" to say im a system and im not sure if it matters, or should matter, regarding friends. im going to be like this regardless, id unfollow me if this grey area im likely to stay in bothers you

if you don't want me refollowing I'd probably block, too, as my memory is bad

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ceolocunt]

[sapienthouse]

love fucking up my own data (not recording any of my lows)

[oracle-of-dream]

hi can you do a xiaojun x male reader smut?

I totally can, I've already been trying to write something for him so I'll put it here! It's gonna be in parts so hang tight <3

Never Really Alone

Minors DNI

Summary: A feeling, at the corner of your mind. Always with you–even when you know you're alone. Someone's watching you, following you, getting closer...

Warnings: Male Reader, Stalking, Thunderstorms, Psychological terror, Fear of darkness

Wordcount: 1.5k

As your eyes opened, dark circles under them, you felt it again. The same feeling you've been experiencing for the last few weeks. It feels like you're never truly alone–someone you can't see is always with you. At first, you believed it was just the feeling of settling into your new apartment. You moved in about a month ago, but the feeling followed you outside your apartment.

At Work. The Cafe. Walking down streets. Everywhere you went.

It was to the point that you couldn't stop looking over your shoulder, even in broad daylight. You'd bought a taser, keeping it with you always even when you went to bed. The extra security still never was enough to make you feel safe enough.

You didn't have anyone to talk to about it. You'd just moved because you started a new job, if you told any of your coworkers they'd think you're crazy. Calling your parents was out of the question, they'd see it as a reason to bring you back home. You even thought about seeing a therapist. You could only text your friends from back home, they made you feel heard but couldn't do anything to help you. You were alone.

Work was the only time that you felt okay. You were surrounded by people who were at least semi-familiar, and it made you feel comfortable. But one night, after a long day of work, there was chatter about a get-together of all your coworkers.

"Y/n, you'll come, right?" Your team lead asked.

"No, I'm sorry, not tonight. I... have to look after my cousin tonight," You lied.

Your coworkers didn't press you for more as they left to enjoy each other's company, leaving you alone again. Almost alone. The feeling returned as you walked out of the work building, rushing to get home. The clouds were dark, thunder sounded in the distance, and rain was coming. You liked the rain, the soft sound of rain distracted you from feeling watched. It sometimes even made you smile, having something else to be focused on for a change.

As you got to your apartment, hustling up the stairs, a man stood outside your door. It was your landlord, Xiaojun. He was a thinner man, with black hair, always having a tired look in his eyes–like he never slept, draped in a black sweater you had always seen him in. He was standing outside your door, holding a bundle of mail.

"Hi, y/n," His voice was deep and soothing. "I noticed you hadn't picked up your mail in a while, so I wanted to drop it off."

"Thank you, that's so nice." You put on a smile as you took the mail from him.

"Have a good night, watch out for the storm. I've heard some people have had outages. Call me if anything happens," Xiaojun said as he walked down the hallway before descending the stairs.

You entered your apartment and closed the door, sighing in relief. Xiaojun was a nice man, and you felt safe around him. He offered your apartment to you at a discounted rate, after mentioning how expensive all the others were. He always went out of his way to make you feel comfortable. He also looked pretty handsome when he wasn't super tired.

You put the mail on the counter and then realized–the feeling was gone. You didn't feel like you were being watched... The urge to break down and cry was too powerful as you sobbed silently. Your chest had a weight lifted off of it. But your celebration was short-lived. As soon as you started changing out of your work clothes, you felt a sharp coldness run up your back. It was back. Now you wanted to cry for different reasons.

You took your taser out of your bag and took it with you as you swept through your apartment, just like every day, checking your home. But, just like always, you never found anyone.

You returned to your mail and started to sort it right as your lights went out. Xiaojun mentioned power outages so this is probably it. The storm must've knocked it right out. You stumbled through the darkness that invited itself into your home until you found your phone–Xiaojun asked you to call him if anything happened so he must have a way to fix it...

The phone rang as you waited for him to pick up, the sound of the rain getting louder and less friendly.

"Hello?" Xiaojun's voice came out of your phone.

"Hi Xiaojun, it's y/n, we just spoke?"

"Of course, I know who you are, silly. Can I help you with something?"

"Yeah, you told me to call if my power went out. Is there anything you can do about this?"

Xiaojun was silent for a moment. "I can get a flashlight, and bring it to you if you don't have one. I'll also check your power box, in your laundry room, to see if the circuit tripped."

"I'd appreciate it." You hung up the phone and waited by the door for Xiaojun to arrive. You opened it cautiously as you heard the knock, your camera for the front door was also not working so you couldn't see who it was unless you opened it. A flashing beam of light hit your eyes as they tried to adjust.

"Sorry about that, y/n. I didn't mean to shine you like that." Xiaojun's voice rumbled dryly. You blinked a few times, waiting for the dazzling sensation to fade.

"It's alright, come in," You mumbled as you rubbed your eyes. You felt Xiaojun's arms hold you as he shifted past you, pushing the door with his broad shoulder. You shut the door and followed him as he navigated your apartment, using the flashlight to light the way.

"You live here alone, right?" Xiaojun asked, trying to make conversation.

"Yes, that's right."

"What about your parents?"

"They're far away... I moved out here for a job opportunity, but I'm still trying to see if it was all worth it." You shivered, "What about you?"

"My father passed away, leaving the building for me to rent out."

Xiaojun got to the breaker box and opened it. "Hold this for me?" He handed you the flashlight so he could use both hands to work. You didn't know much about what was happening as he fiddled with wires. "Got a girlfriend?"

"Not really my type."

"Boyfriend?"

"No, I don't have anyone in my life like that..." You sighed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to–I was just wondering." Xiaojun tried to change the subject, "So how do you like the apartment?"

"It's nice. Cozy."

"Really? No issues, at all? You're the only tenant who doesn't complain about something in their apartment."

"Well..." You hesitated, thinking about the feeling. This was your chance to talk about it. For someone to finally understand. "There's been this... one thing."

"Oh?" Xiaojun said without looking at you.

Your jaw tightened. "I've been having a weird feeling since I moved in. Like I've been followed. It started in the apartment, then went outside. I only don't notice it when I'm at work..."

"That's strange. I haven't heard anything on the news or something. You should be careful, is there any other time you feel okay?"

You blushed at the answer, "Well, I don't feel it now."

"Now?"

"I think it's because you're here?"

"So I'm making you feel safe?" Xiaojun chuckled. "That's so cute. I'll keep you safe, anytime." Xiaojun smiled, trying to focus but couldn't stop thinking about you. He sucked his teeth in frustration. "I think I need to grab a tool, can you hold this in place? It's gotta stay like this for me to fix it." You nodded as Xiaojun guided your hand over his, pressing down on a bundle of wires. "Okay, I'll be right back, so stay put." Xiaojun hopped to his feet, taking the flashlight with him as he left you in the dark. The second you couldn't hear his footsteps anymore, your chest started filling with anxiety. You felt incredibly vulnerable, and you'd left your taser in the kitchen–not wanting to scare your landlord with it. Your breathing got heavier, shadows danced in your vision, and your hands shook as they were glued to the wires.

Then you felt it. The feeling, creeping up your back, was the most intense you'd ever felt. You couldn't hear or see anything, but every hair on your body stood on end.

"W-who's there!?" You shouted into the darkness.

The darkness responded with nothing but dead silence.

You could run to the kitchen, grab your taser, and hide somewhere. But what if you attack Xiaojun by mistake? You needed something, anything. Your mind raced, but even in your panic, you could hear something. Someone breathing. They were excited, ready for you to fight back. You felt more helpless than before. You were doomed from the start. They stepped into the laundry room, finally making a singular footstep.

You stood, trying to see who it was, but only saw a shadow. There was sudden pain, and then darkness.

You were knocked out cold...

To continue, click here!

[crazylittlejester]

I’m gonna go on a crazy ass rant because I’m upset and also very tired

A huge reason as to why I characterize Warriors the way that I do, regarding his fear of being poisoned and his food anxiety, is a way to explain myself and my own anxieties caused by my allergies, because when I say to someone I don’t think I can eat the food at the party/function/their house EVEN IF it was specifically made to be free of my allergens, they just don’t understand why I can’t eat it. They just don’t understand that just because it’s ‘safe’ doesn’t mean I feel safe enough to eat it, because there’s always that lingering ‘What if’ in my mind that food made outside of my vision is contaminated somehow.

It is so HARD to explain to people the genuine fear that you are going to die because a food created an odd texture in your mouth and you gave yourself a panic attack over nothing. It breaks my heart every time I go to my friends house and her mom offers to make me food because I’ve been at her house for thirteen hours and haven’t eaten a meal with them, because even though she cleans everything and offers to let me watch her make it, there’s still this loud screaming voice in my mind saying that that food is not safe to eat. And it just NEVER goes away. I feel awful because her mom is so sweet and willing to help me, and I just can’t ever accept because I manage to convince myself it’s contaminated every time

I have been dealing with this for my entire life and never not once have I been able to get someone to understand what this feels like or seen it shown in a media form anywhere. I’ve had family and therapists both just tell me to get over myself, because I’m being ‘ridiculous’ and the craziest thing to me EVER is that for the first time in nineteen years, I have had an outlet to throw this frustration into. Warriors and the food issues I have given him are so important to me because for the first time in my life I can explain this fear through a character and even if people may not relate or really, truly get what it’s like, they understand. They understand and they recognize it as a valid fear, and it’s because of a fanfiction about a traumatized war hero. (which is INSANE to me that this is what it took for people to understand, but you know what, I’ll take it)

This rant was inspired because I opened a sealed container of ice cream and the allergen labels were incorrect and now I can’t eat it and I’ve wasted money and I’m so upset and it’s been a really long week, but also because I never saw anyone talking about this when I was a kid, and if I’d had someone there to represent me like this, or just be there for me to connect with, I would’ve felt a lot better. Understanding allergies and food restrictions is so important for so many reasons, the most important being that if you know how to help someone, you can save their LIFE. And for other people who feel the same way I do, it’s so GOOD to know you’re not alone and that there’s someone out there who gets what you’re dealing with

If I can make people understand what it’s like to live life this way, then that is so important to me. If I can explain to people what to do in an emergency situation because their friend is having a allergic reaction, I will, because not enough people understand how allergies work, and I’m sick and tired of hearing stories about kids with allergies who were peer pressured into eating when they didn’t feel comfortable and then suffering the consequences, and I am TIRED of seeing companies mislabel their fucking food.

Also do NOT be afraid to ask any friends or classmates or coworkers with allergies how to use an epi pen because You Could Save Their Life. If anyone is curious, I’LL tell you, or look up a youtube video I’m sure there are some on there

Anyways, this is why I give Warriors the food issues I do in my fics, for anyone else out there with allergies who’s ever felt invalidated by people telling them their anxieties were stupid, and so people who have no idea what it’s like to fear your food will kill you can try to understand that this is the irritating reality for some of your peers. (not that everyone with allergies has this exact experience, I have a friend with allergies who just eats whatever and prays it wont kill them, but I know now that there are plenty of people out there with allergies who DO have this experience)

Sorry for kinda ranting, (I’m just a little guy 🥺), but this is something that is so hugely important to me, and sorry Warriors but you had too similar of a problem so now you get my exact issues 🫶

[abarbaricyalp]

For the intimacy prompts: "a hand written note", Sam/Bucky

Wowee is this so super duper late! Very sorry. But unfortunately, this prompt reminded me of a fic I started all the way back in 2022 for Valentine's Day and I just could not let it go this time. AO3 Link

In 1950, several years after the war had ended and just as the excitement and tragedy surrounding the short-lived career of Captain America was dying down, a collection of war time letters from the Captain’s second-in-command, James “Bucky” Barnes was published.

In 2026, the only edition with new letters was published

Selected Texts from: The Barnes Letters : Revised and Expanded 11th Edition, 2026

[Letter to Sam Wilson (36 years old, former Air Force Pararescue, current VA therapist, new best friend of Steve Rogers) left in an apartment while Wilson was running the trash out, 2015]

Birdbrain,

Don’t get so irritated with this cat and mouse game that you give up and just opt for pouncing over me and eating me. I dunno, maybe I shoulda gone with the early bird and the worm metaphor, but whatever. Maybe I’ll slow down for you in the next place. Spend a little bit of time at some farmer’s market or something. Use an alias that you might know about, depending on how much you read.

Take it easier, birdy.

-B

The first Barnes letter of the 21st century paints a stark contrast to the paragon found in the original text of The Barnes Letters. This book does not attempt to psychoanalyze Barnes or the events of his life, as the original did not. The 11th edition of The Barnes Letters merely wishes to build upon the corpus of the original and to bring a conclusion to the questions brought up in subsequent editions.

The text of these letters have been transcribed exactly as found, but the spirit of them would be dampened slightly if it were not brought up that the letters were found on everything from sticky notes to napkins to sheets of lined paper to sketchpad pages with doodles on the other side or around the words–clean, crumbled, torn, creased. These letters, perhaps moreso than the original, were cherished and protected and clearly read several times over.

The Wakanda Letters

[Collection of letters left for Bucky Barnes, by Sam Wilson, in the Wakandan Palace’s medical facility, 2016-2018]

Hey, Tin-Can,

You’ve gotta wake up soon ‘cause you still owe me a car.

Sam

Robocop,

I’m tired of being a fugitive for your broody ass. You better have a whole slate of apologies lined up for when I see you next ‘else I’m gonna put you right back under. I haven’t showered with seriously hot water in ages. (Barring the one I just got in the palace. Wait until you wake up and see the water pressure here. It’s gonna blow your poor little 40s mind.)

You know, Steve really wants us to get along. Gotta say, I do see the appeal. You’re so quiet and a great listener. I always know where to find you.

He just read that over my shoulder and called me a jerk for you. I figure you’d use stronger language, but hey.

Oh, hey, I heard there was some crazy fight here a few weeks ago. Did you see anything you wanna gossip about?

Alright, alright, I’ll stop. Heading out somewhere new tomorrow morning. Always some new fight, new monster, new injustice, right?

Well, good dreams or whatever.

Sam

B, you’ve gotta try a drink at this bar. (Bringing the napkin in won’t get a discount, I asked) It’s called…get this, get this, get this, it’s called a Bucky Bear Brawl. Bucky Bear. Gonna lose my mind. -S

Barnes,

If I bleed all over this paper, you won’t use it to create an even better super soldier serum, right? (Cause, let’s be honest, my DNA is a catch for mad scientists. Looks, brains, body, personality. I’ve got it all.)

I don’t get why you didn’t give up the chase after DC. We coulda done all of this shit, avoided all of this shit, if you’d just come back then. You knew I was there. You kept me in the corner of your eye or your rearview or your scope, I assume, so why not just stop running?

I’m so tired of this. I want to go home. I want to see my friends and my family and sleep in a real bed. And you gave all that shit up for…what? They still found a way to ruin your life. Steve’s life. My life.

How did I end up giving up everything for you and the star spangled man, huh? Seventeen infuriating hours in a car with you and suddenly that makes you worth something to me?

I always try to do what’s right, help people who need it. At great personal cost, lost people important to me. I’ve never done this much for one person, though. And I don’t even know you. I have your files. I’ve read history books. Hell, I even know the fruits and fish you like. But I gave up my family and my reputation for this. I have a bullet in my shoulder for this.

Who are you to drive me to that, huh? You’re not even awake. You’re not out here with us while we do this for you. This is bullshit.

Sam

PS, I lied the other day. I don’t prefer you being quiet. I want you to argue with me. I want you to hear what I’m saying. I want you to come back. Fuck, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want you so far gone that I never think about you again or I want you to come back. But you keep just existing right in my periphery. A shadow I can’t shake. A stray that’s followed me all the way to my door stoop. Fuck.

Bucky,

Sorry.

Sam

B,

I’ve thrown away seven other sheets trying to find something to say, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter what I write down now. You’ll be able to hear it straight from my pretty mouth soon enough.

Sorry we won’t be around to see you through all of it. Princess’s orders. Besides, there’s a new bad guy out there fucking something up. And, surprise surprise, Ross hasn’t sent anyone after them, so duh-da da da-dah, here we come, to the rescue.

I’ll see you soon, though, alright.

Not that, like, you care about when I’ll see you. Ah, shit, I’m gonna throw this one away too.

And Sam had kept his promise, showing up a week afterwards with a sharp quip on his lips but a tellingly earnest patience as Bucky had walked him and Steve around the spaces that had become his life. He’d even left a note on Bucky’s bed wishing him good dreams again.

So it only made sense that Bucky slipped a note into his go-bag.

[2018]

Tweety,

You musta been real bored without me around to fuck shit up if you had this much time to write all these letters. Did keep me busy for a while though. Maybe next time you could be more verbose and flowery, give me something to really sink a literary analysis into.

I’m gonna keep this one short, though, ‘cause you’re nosey and pay attention to everything I do. I ain’t gonna throw you around no more, so you can unclench. Heard you argue with S1 and S2 about whether or not I was ready to go out again.

I’m not.

I know it’s selfish when all of you are still fighting the fight, but I’m so tired. And I’m unstable on my feet. I need some time to get the ground under me again. But if you tell Steve I agree with him, I’ll burn your letters without looking at them.

You could stay, y’know. You don’t have to keep fighting. I could use the company. Talking is supposed to help rebuild neurons or something, right? Maybe I’m just making that up.

Anyway, hope you find this at an inopportune time.

-Tin Can

[Left on Barnes’s pillow in Wakanda, 2018]

B,

Sorry the world doesn’t wait for what we want. Sorry the world’s ending. Maybe you can show me all your goats again when all of this is said and done. Maybe it’ll be a little quieter for once.

-S

Read the rest on AO3

[melfinawins]

I'm going to write a longish post on this, but yeah.

Also, if you're not down for vague dooming, don't read this lmao

For me, The Bear is a Hallmark movie with more swearing and more teeth. It'll end in the same spot as a Hallmark movie. Carmy will find balance and either be on his way to healing those open wounds from his childhood or will have healed them. He'll be self satisfied. Balanced. Home is Where the Heart Is type shit with a dash of All the Answers I was Searching for was Here all Along!

The question of romance on the show for me was about which romance trope was being used.

Was it going to be Carmy reconnecting with an old flame from his past? Or was it Carmy meets a person who changes his life for the better, but they're quirky/awkward and even though she drives him crazy, she drives him crazy.

I've seen the BTS from S4. I'm of two minds on this. Either Storer and co decided to resolve the romance aspect of the show a season early (weird, but I kind of like that?? That's certainly not as common these days) and it's about other things in s4 pertaining to the suspicions some of us have about Syd's job prospects. And then s4 is about either getting her back or a rivalry or just connecting on a personal level again. There are more options I'm sure, but those are the ones I'm thinking about currently.

Or, Claire is really just the cold prep as @chefkids and @thoughtfulchaos773 and others have more eloquently said, and Carmy will realize he wants Syd at the end of the series and breaks up with Claire.

The part of me who loves interesting stories and unexpected turns wants the romance part to be resolved because that's fun to me. But the black woman that I am who is so fucking sick and tired of seeing black characters support and lift up white characters is like, over it.

Another way I can see this going on the romance part is really what Joanna Calo said about Syd and Carmy: they really are just platonic and messy! So Carmy gets the best of two women. Cool. 🤢

Anyway!

I like to keep in mind that The Bear is a story about Chris, Gillian and his sister. The show is biographical in nature and when I think about SydCarmy not happening, it's more because Chris is like ew, Syd represents my sister and that's gross and less I don't value the stories of black women.

Like, Claire is a doctor and I kinda hate that her position in Carmy's life is so on the nose and I want for men to fucking stop treating the women in their lives like their therapists and parents/bangmaids Jesus fucking Christ. But Storer is a man, and a white man at that, so. 🙃 Like, Carmy has real issues that need a professional. No pussy is gonna cure that, not even Syd's!

If Carmy is the literal worst in s3 and nukes all his relationships because he refuses to get therapy and deal with his issues, I hope he and Claire end up together and stay together because damn, Syd deserves more than that dysfunction because she really is already too good for him.

But he hasn't done anything that's not salvageable. Yet.

Anyway, thanks for attending my Ted Talk!

[she-karev]

Intervention (Marina Angst with a Happy Ending Imagine)

Previous Part Here

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: Three of Three

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Characters: Carina DeLuca, Andrew DeLuca and Maya Bishop

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 1

AN: Hey guys so Station 19 ended sadness but it’s up to us to keep the epic romance alive. I will post another Marina story next week and it’s gonna be funny and surprising. Stay tuned.

Mental Health Resources: https://www.nami.org/, https://www.aacap.org/, https://www.dbsalliance.org/, https://afsp.org/

Summary: Carina drives Andrew to the treatment center and along the way he expresses guilt and shame for how he treated everybody, most of all Amber. Carina returns home to Maya who comforts her.

Words: 3213

Carina drives down the road in her car about twenty minutes away from the residential facility in Bellevue. Andrew is next to her in the passenger side alarmingly calm even as he looks out the window in a foreboding way telling her there is an inner conflict going on. Carina looks at Andrew in pity before looking back at the road. She figures out what to say to make him feel better about the journey ahead.

“I know your scared but this is one of the best treatment centers in the state I checked.” Andrew is still looking out the window, “It’s 30 days to get you on the right meds, talk to therapists and monitor you. I will visit you every Saturday so I can see how you’re doing and tell you all that you are missing. I know it’s hard but you’ll get better and that’s the goal, that is what is going to separate you from papa. He is not strong enough to do this but you are, I know you are.”

Carina stops at a stoplight, looks over and sees Andrew rubbing his tired eyes, “I know your trying to help and I appreciate that I do and I am gonna do this I am I just��I can’t undo all that I did when I was being a stubborn idiot.” Carina sighs, “Opal got away with Erin because I made a scene, I was so far out of stability I didn’t do things rationally and calmly instead I looked like a crazy man and that girl ended up back in that monster’s clutches.”

“And she got free.” Carina reminds him to no avail as he shakes his head.

“What if she didn’t?” Andrew asks in a broken voice, “If she didn’t, she would have been tortured and raped for years and it would be because I was unstable and untrustworthy.”

“Andrea the Chief didn’t believe you and she allowed Opal to walk away because she didn’t consider the possibility that you were right.”

“You didn’t believe me either.” Andrew coldly reminds her, “Nobody did and honestly I do not blame them, if papa did that a year ago, I would have thought he was crazy too.”

Carina looks down the road sad for him, “You can’t blame yourself for what happened to Erin, if you do it’s just gonna hold you back and you won’t look forward. She’s safe and she’s with her family that is what’s important here, focus on that not on how you reacted while you were having a mental breakdown you didn’t ask for.”

“I ruined- no I single handedly destroyed the best relationship I ever had because I didn’t see what everybody else did.” Andrew sniffles as tears form around his eyes, “I did to her exactly what our father did to mama and I am never gonna forgive myself for that. She’s never gonna forgive me for doing this to her, for being another name in her list of crazy people that scarred her for life.”

“You didn’t mean to hurt her it was the mania that said and did all of those things not you.” Carina tells him from observation, “I’ve seen you with her for two years and those are two different people.”

“I told her she would end up like her father.” Andrew tells her in a regretful tone, “She was trying to help me see there was something wrong and my response was telling her that without me around she would end up like her father. Her junkie father who abandoned her after beating her, I told her she would end up like that man she hates more than anyone. And after that I compared her to her schizo mom who neglected her before screaming at her to get out of my apartment because I didn’t need her or want her. God I am the cruelest person in the world, I did that to a woman who has had more than enough crazy and pain to last a lifetime. I did that and nothing you say is gonna make that okay so don’t try.” Andrew takes a deep breath rubbing his face before continuing in a tearful voice, “I love her so much, I miss her so much, why didn’t I listen to her before I destroyed her why?”

Carina sniffles and wipes a stray tear away knowing how much her brother loves Amber and sees that love again for the first time in months. She only wishes Amber was here to see it so she can see at least one person in her life feels bad for the pain their mental illness put her through.

“You listened now.” Carina tells him, “You’re doing the work and she will see that. When she sees your getting better for yourself and her, she will forgive you and take you back.”

“It’s too late, way too late.”

Carina shakes her head, “She loves you and she’s hurt but I think if she knows you feel bad for the way you treated her, she will-”

“What did she say when you asked her to come to the intervention?”

Carina pauses at that sudden question and tries to lie, “I didn’t ask her.”

Andrew chuckles bitterly, “You always were a terrible liar. Just tell me word for word so I know how bad I messed this up and how much I need to do to make up for it.”

Carina sighs and relents, “She said she didn’t want to be a sitting duck for your verbal abuse again and that she’s learned from her mom, brother and now you to walk away from a bazooka pointing at her.”

Andrew grins slightly at Amber’s feisty nature, “That’s my girl, taking hits and not pulling back punches.”

“She’s upset Andrea you need to give her time to cool down.”

“We could live for thousands of years and the temperature in that woman wouldn’t go down a single digit.” Andrew takes out his phone to play a familiar voice mail, “If you don’t believe me listen to this voicemail, she left me after I ignored her calls.”

Carina listens to the voicemail that plays while she is driving with Andrew keeping a straight face after hearing this message too many times only now feeling anguished instead of anger as Amber’s slurring words fill the small car space, “Hi, it’s me again of course you didn’t answer, I guess it’s because you think I’m gonna point out what’s wrong with you and tell you I’m here for you to use as your own verbal punching bag. Yeah, that’s not gonna happen because I’m done Andrew, I am done caring about you because you clearly don’t care about me! Your sister made that obvious when she told me about you calling her and answering your phone when she calls while I have been here wondering where you are or if you’re dead!” Carina winces at that reminder of the day she accidentally told Amber Andrew was taking her calls.

Andrew continues holding the phone out, “You know what I’m not pissed anymore I am glad that you showed me what I should’ve seen two years ago at that awful bar. A man who is turning into a carbon copy of his father, you think I’m like my parents well let me tell you exactly what your dad would do. He would walk into your life acting all sweet and getting you to open your life to him but really he looks for weak spots to tear down like the cold manipulative son of a bitch you accuse him of being. That is exactly what you did to me you bastard.” Andrew closes his eyes at that feeling more tormented at soiling the loving and blissful relationship he and Amber established over two years.

“You got me to open my life to you, you let me feel safe enough to trust you and break my walls down that I put up after what my family did to me. And you know what you did Andrea Vincenzo DeLuca? You broke me! You made the pain you’ve caused so much worse by forcing me to let my guard down so you can twist the knife you put in my back. You are not the man I love, right now you are a carbon copy of your father who I hope ends up dead in a ditch because then you would know exactly how you made me feel you cruel, arrogant, crazy, selfish motherfucker!”

The voicemail ends and the car is filled with silence again as Carina processes that very vulgar message while Andrew looks down the road brooding over the voicemail his ex-girlfriend left when she was rightfully angry.

Carina exhales and takes a beat, “She’s very colorful with her words.”

Andrew nods still frowning, “Yeah and not afraid to make her point across. Do you still think she’s ready to forgive me, marry me and have my babies like none of it ever happened?”

Carina sighs, “I think you put her through a lot and you both need space to heal. The only thing you need to do now is take care of yourself, rest and learn how to establish a routine for yourself so you can be the man she loves again. If she ever decides to forgive you that is up to her and I think it might go better once she sees you are getting ahead of this. I will tell her where you are and how you are doing because I know no matter how angry she was at you she was still worried when you didn’t show up for work the next day. But for now, we’re gonna get you checked in, non aver paura.” Carina grips his hand to keep him calm as they stop outside the check in gate. Carina turns to the security guard, “I’m checking in my brother, Andrew DeLuca.”

“You need to drive around. You say goodbye there; he goes in on foot.” The drop arm in front of them pulls up and Carina drives around as instructed before putting the car in park. They both exit the car before taking his suitcase out of the trunk full of clothes and amenities for the month. Andrew takes an uneasy breath as he puts the suitcase on the ground ready to roll it inside the center.

He and Carina stand there for a moment looking at each other solemnly knowing the journey ahead is what he needs but not one that’s gonna be easy. Carina gives him a reassuring grin before putting her hands on his shoulders while he looks at her with guilt over how he treated her too after his breakdown. Carina has that far from her mind as the only thing that matters to her is that her baby brother knows he will always have her at his side through the worst times of his life like she always does.

“It’s going to be okay,” she says. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it is. You’re nothing like Papa. He wouldn’t do this, he wouldn’t accept help, even in the worst times. That makes you better than him. It makes you stronger and more brave.”

Andrew nods and she takes it as a sign that he is taking in what she is saying.

“I love you, il mio fratellino. And I’m going to be right here to pick you up in four weeks, okay?” Andrew nods knowing this is what he needs and looks at his sister with gratitude for putting up with him at his worst and never giving up on him even when he wanted her to. He resolves from then on to make amends for his mistakes by being his best possible self. And he knows the first step to do that is to head inside so his sister’s efforts aren’t for nothing.

“Thank you,” Andrew says quietly.

It is all she needs to hear, and Carina feels her chest swell. She pulls him in for a hug, holding on to him for as long as she can. Andrew wraps his arms around her pulling her in tight as both an apology and a thank you. They stand there for a minute hugging like they did when their mama died, it was the worst moment of their lives. Despite that they knew then what they know now, that they’re in each other’s corners through the good and bad.

Andrew pulls back feeling calmer and rolls his suitcase behind him walking up the sidewalk to enter the large building. Carina looks on with pride for her brother’s bravery and heartache for his unfair inheritance. As soon as he’s inside the building Carina finally lets the tears fall that she has been holding in since they started the drive. Carina takes a deep breath, wipes her face and heads back inside the car to drive back home.

Later

Carina enters her apartment exhausted despite the sun still being up and walks to the kitchen for her secret junk food stash. Instead of an empty kitchen she finds Maya kneeling down looking in her bottom drawers and pulling out a deep glass baking dish. Maya stands up and smiles at Carina.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Carina greets back pleasantly surprised by Maya in her apartment.

“I know I should have called first after last time, but I didn’t want to call at a bad time. I figured you and your brother needed to do this without intrusion and-”

Carina interrupts Maya with a kiss that takes the blonde firefighter’s breath away. Maya is conscious enough to put the glass on the counter, so she doesn’t drop it. She puts her hands on Carina’s firm waist sinking into this passionate embrace. After a few blissful moments Carina pulls back and leans her head forward against Maya’s looking deep into her blue eyes that look into her brown eyes with such love and conviction.

“I’m glad you’re here, I really needed to see you after.”

Maya rubs Carina’s back soothingly, “I’m here now, it didn’t go okay?”

Carina groans slightly, “He was hesitant at first there were tears and a lot of slamming doors…but eventually he agreed to let us help him. I called in and got him into a treatment center at Bellevue.”

“And the drive up?”

Carina sighs, “He told me how guilty he feels about Erin and Amber. He told me that he regrets hurting a woman that he loves repeatedly when she was trying to help. I told him that it would be okay that she might forgive him but honestly…I don’t know if she is.”

“I hurt you too, I lashed out and I did a very stupid and awful thing to you and you still forgave me. If we can do that then I think they can too.”

Carina chuckles bitterly, “You don’t know Amber Karev she is…she is angry and rightfully so and she has had enough people hurting her when they had a mental breakdown. I don’t know if she can forgive him and love him again. He loves her so much, what am I supposed to do if she rejects him and he is heartbroken without the love of his life there with him?”

Maya looks at her in thought, “…You could get him a dog.” Carina laughs at that suggestion causing Maya to smile, “I had to do something to make you smile. He’ll be okay I don’t know him but if he’s like you then he will bounce back and move on. As long as he still has you, he’ll be okay.”

“Okay.” Carina holds Maya’s hip. “And when he’s better, I’m going to make sure he gets to know you properly. I want him to know you, Maya.”

Maya smiles, her cheeks blushing pink. She is not normally the kind of person that someone wants to introduce to their family, and it used to be a red flag to her, but not this time. This time, she wants it. She wants to be all in with Carina and get to know her brother she loves so much hoping when the time comes, she gets his approval.

“I would like that.” Maya tells Carina who smiles, “I just hope he likes me.”

“He will.” Carina tells her with conviction, “If he doesn’t, he’ll just have to learn to get used to you or I will kick his bottom.” Maya laughs at that image and Carina looks at the pan with interest, “Why were you taking a pan out anyway? We’re you gonna make me something?”

Maya smiles and pulls away from Carina to grab the glass pan, “I remember you telling me that whenever you or your brother would get sad or scared you would go to the kitchen and make something together to cheer yourselves up. I thought we could do that since you need cheering up.”

Carina looks at Maya in awe over her remembering that story. She can still remember the day their mama yelled at papa and threw plates at him after he killed those four patients. She and Andrea would crawl under the covers and she would sing to him to calm him down. The next morning when their mama was in bed and their papa was at work, she took her brother to the kitchen and taught him how to make French toast. The process helped keep their minds off their parent’s breaking apart so every fight they overheard they would find a new recipe to try. It was their thing and it make Carina’s heart skip a beat at the thought of sharing that with Maya.

“You would do that for me?”

Maya nods, “I would do anything for you, I love you Carina.”

“Ti amo Maya.”

Maya smiles at the Italian words that she finds so sexy coming from Carina but focuses on the task at hand, “So do you want to start with the lasagna? I have been dying to know what your secret is.”

“Ah, ah, ah.” Carina teases, “You are not there yet bambina, we have start you off with something simple and then work our way up to my famous lasagna.”

Maya chuckles, “Oh really? Okay sexy Guy Fieri what’s level one of this cooking challenge?”

“Mmm.” Carina thinks with a grin, “Let’s start with something simple like spaghetti aglio e olio.”

“It sounds delicious what is it?”

“Spaghetti in garlic and oil sauce.” Carina explains.

Maya’s nose wrinkles at the concoction, “It sounds like a vampire’s worst nightmare.”

Carina chuckles, “Trust me bella you say that now but when we are done you will fall to your knees over my cooking skills.”

“News flash it doesn’t take you cooking for me to do that.” Maya tells her with a mischievous smile and Carina looks at her in amusement, “Okay what do you want me to do chef?”

“Chef? Wow I think I am going to love this.” Carina teases before they head to the pantry to pull out ingredients. Carina looks at Maya with love and admiration knowing that despite the day she and her brother had things were gonna be okay, she believed it.

[noxxuniverse]

okay im officially done with this stuff i seriously cant do this anymore. ive been manifesting my df for a month now and literally nothing. happened. in fact the opposite happened my acne is at its worst i got a pimple on my cheek thats going to scar now and got another big one on my nose. i am just so fucking exhausted with all of this i feel like im seriously going fucking insane im so scared i feel like im this close to getting psychosis. and before you tell me im not persisting enough or whatever i HAVE. ive literally done it all i lived in my imagination i saturated every morning and every night and throughout the day id affirm on loop in my mind ive lived in the end ive literally even told people im starting to resemble my df. dont even tell me to ignore my 3D or whatever what the fuck am i supposed to do? drive myself fucking crazy? if manifesting is easy and inevitable then literally why the fuck isnt it happening? please provide a logical answer that isnt some gaslight and blaming shit like "you just dont get it". it just doesnt fucking work. im so exhausted from this im so tired of my head always hurting and feeling like im going crazy and feeling suicidal i was right to give up on this loa shit 3 years ago youre all just lying or going through psychosis nobody wants to post proof or anything everyone just wants to blame the people that are still mentally sound

You want my honest opinion? It's your mindset. From what you're saying, I'm just like- jesus christ. All of this over the fact you haven't manifested your DF? That's really worrying and you should seek therapy because babes, I am not your therapist. I'm about to give some tough love and I'm going to be stern and I'm going to say whatever the fuck I want because this is my blog and if you don't want me to tell you the truth then find someone else to tell you this shit, either way you're either gonna sit the fuck down and listen or you're gonna read through this like another post you've overconsumed on and not actually apply what I'm saying. We'll see.

First off, calm the fuck down. You are in such a bad mental state, so stop manifesting for a while. Take a break, don't even think about manifesting, just do something that you like, focus on other things, just until you feel better. One reminder I will give, is once you find out about LOA it's very difficult to go back.

Secondly, you say you're doing everything you can to get your DF. You wouldn't even be thinking about how long its been nor the fact you need to get it, you'd simply have it. So no, you haven't been fulfilling yourself properly, actually I would say you're obsessively attached to your desire in a very bad way and you need to healthily detach. Your desire is yours the moment you decide it is, so stop acting as if what you see in your external world is your reality. Because yeah, you need to ignore your 3D when it shows you something you don't want to see, that's how it works. The external world is literally a reflection of your assumptions, if you assumed that your DF was the truth, then it would have reflected because the external world is just made up of our internal world. If you aren't getting what you want, then clearly you believe you can't get what you want. I'm going to tell you something, you aren't special. And I mean that in the sense of, manifestation isn't going to just be like "Yep! I'm not gonna work for you specifically." It serves you, you're always manifesting, even right now, you've manifested me to say this message to you. The point is, you're just manifesting that you can't consciously manifest, if others can get their shit, so can you. But you've overcomplicated LOA so much, like please don't do that it is so simple, it is as simple as we tell you it is. It's simply a decision that you persist on when you want to, you don't constantly think about it unless you want to. You just have it and you're just reminding yourself that you have it.

So to summarise, take a break, healthily detach, then decide you have it and remind yourself you have it. Not because you have to, but because you want to.

Also, don't come at other people just because you're struggling. A lot of us have been there, but don't blame others. No, no one is lying, no one is going through psychosis and nobody is blaming anyone except for you and those who are in your shoes.

This is a bit messy but I hope you got the point. [im not going to put loa tags just because of triggers + the fact you decided to insult the LOA community for whatever reason.]

[idontplaytrack]

✧ My Biggest Mistake

Jos Cleary-Lopez x fem! reader

Warnings: angst, drinking/alcohol, descriptions and mentions of kissing while tipsy, coarse language, self-harm descriptions, sickness

In which a heated make-out session was denied by Jos after the fact.

(Pictures used above are from Pinterest & Tumblr)

“You said you loved me last night.”

“Drunk words don’t mean shit.”

“Are you serious?” You scoffed.

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

“That’s not— fuck it, Jos. I’m so tired. Whatever. If you say it didn’t mean anything, then it didn’t. So did every other time you told me that, right?”

You ran away from her, without a destination in mind. You heard Jos call for you then it was just silence. The only sound keeping you company was your crying.

Eventually, you stopped before a diner. One you and Jos frequented, hesitating for a moment, you somehow stepped inside still teary eyed and found a seat at the bar. “Oh, honey…” A longtime staff member noticed you,“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know. I fucked things up with Jos.” You revealed through sniffles.

“I’m sure—”

“Last night she got a little tipsy. And kissed me for the first time and said she loved me. To my face.” You continued, “I brought it up earlier, and she just said ‘drunk words don’t mean shit.’ She could’ve just told me she wasn’t ready to say it yet and I would’ve been okay with it— but that— shit hurt.”

“You two have been together for—”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure about that, Erin.” You sigh, accepting the cookies and cream milkshake. “Thanks.”

“No problem, honey.” She smiled.

As you sipped on the beverage, your mind drifts.

“The problem lies within the fact that I want more. That’s what scares me the most, because I don’t want to want more. But I can’t help it. I’m not supposed to want more. I’m not supposed to have anyone love me. That’s just crazy.”

“Crazy? What’s crazy is this, y/n. Some guy at school just called you a freak and punched your face for no reason and you just walk away? Why do you put up with this?”

“I don’t know, Jos. My brain is like— it’s broken, okay? After years and years of pushing aside my own feelings. I just don’t have them anymore. I don’t care anymore. They can just do whatever they want with me.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s okay for people to assault you. It’s a fucking crime, baby.”

~

“Hey, how you feelin’?”

“I’m okay. It’s just a cold.” Jos smiled sleepily, her eyes barely open as she turned to be on her side so she could look at you.

You pulled her desk chair up to the side of her bed and sat down. You brush the hair out of her eyes and stroked her cheek, “I’ve missed you.”

A smile tugs at her lips. Very tiny, but you could see it.

~

“Oh, my God. y/n, why didn’t you call me? Or text me?”

“For what? I’m just on my period.”

“So I can come over and take care of you?”

“Sorry. I’m just— not used to that.”

With a soft sigh, she presses a kiss to your lips, “Let me take care of you, okay? What do you want me to do? Craving anything?”

“Nope. I’m actually about to go and puke my guts out in a minute or so.”

“Okay, then I’ll hold your hair and rub your back.”

~

“Jos, please— stop.”

She scoffs, arm falling to her sides as she looked up you from the floor.

“You’re gonna kill yourself one day and I don’t want to be here to see that. I want you to get better, for yourself. Not for me.”

The burns and some blisters on her forearms started to form. You cringed internally.

“I’ve been trying.” She admitted. “I started seeing a therapist…but still…”

“Keep going. Be consistent. I’ll be right by your side.”

~

“y/n, please talk to me.”

“I don’t know how to say it. Any of it.” You avoided eye contact, “You hate me.”

“I do not. y/n, I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”

————

“Jos.” Erin says.

Jos? Oh, hell.

“Talk it out.” Erin nudged. She was right behind you- you could feel her. There was no running away now. Absolutely no chance.

“I have to talk to you, y/n. I can’t just let all of that go. I can’t let you go.”

Tears pricked at your eyes again and the painful lump in your throat returns. You pushed the milkshake away from you, turning around in the stool to come face to face with her. With Jos, whose eyes were red and puffy. Dried tears stained her cheeks as her hair was disheveled, flyaways all over her face.

“I shouldn’t have said that to you. I shouldn’t have said that because I didn’t mean what I said. My brain tells me to push you away but I just can’t do it— it’s so wrong to do that to you because I know in my heart that I love you. No matter what my fucked up brain tells me to think at times. I love you. Please know that. Please know that I love you so much, y/n.” Jos takes a deep breath halfway through, shakily, “Sometimes I just…I don’t know why but I have a bad day and I start assuming people don’t really care about me so I go, ‘okay, then- you’re on your own, get through this shitty day on your own. No one else can help you.’ When I calm down, I know that’s not true because I have you. But I just need to keep working on that, y/n…getting my mind to unlearn that terrible habit, coping method. Ever since The Power came into play, I lost my friends…I even lost my own family even though we live under the same roof. No one gets what I’m dealing with like you do even though they see me everyday- day in, and day out. I didn’t want you to be the only one carrying the weight of my problems….I have to learn that in life, it’s okay to share. Especially with someone I call my partner. Because I know that I would not hesitate to hear you out, to be there and listen to what you have to say so you can get what you need to get, off your mind. I would never want you to go through your struggles alone.”

As she spoke to you, you took the time to take deep breaths and calm down, wiping your tears away as you prepared yourself to respond, “Jos, I feel the same way about you. I really care about you and love you. I don’t want you to be scared to share with me. You can always be honest with me and we will work through everything together. I have my own issues, and I’m also trying my best to get better. I need you to remember that no matter how bad a day seems. It was wrong for me to snap at you- that’s something I have to change about myself. But remember this conversation when times get tough…when we both can’t seem to get out of our own heads. Remember this.”

“My biggest mistake time and time again was that I hurt your feelings and I am so terribly sorry for that.” Jos cups your cheeks, wiping your tears away, “I’m sorry, do you forgive me?”

Swallowing harshly, you gave her a nod. She pulls you in for a kiss, you hopped off the stool to deepen the connection. Her hand finds its way around your waist and your back, yours does the same right before a mutual breakaway. Jos held you, looking right into your eyes before she uttered, “I love you. I mean it— every single time.”

You nodded, “I know. I love you, too, Jos.”

“Erin, can we get a waffle with a scoop of chocolate ice cream and some whipped cream, please?” Jos sniffed, sitting down in the stool beside yours.

“Certainly, dear. Coming right up.”

Jos dug through her pockets to locate her wallet and took out the amount of money needed for the bill while you continued to sip on your milkshake, trying not to cry again. Jos hands you a packet of tissues silently, knowing that you needed this peacefulness. She rubs your back intermittently while she waited on the waffle and kept an eye on you. Well, not exactly. She just liked looking at you while you did absolutely nothing sometimes. Next thing you knew, was that you felt her hand on the side of your head— her fingers combing through your slightly tangled hair and tucked some behind your ear.

————

The waffle was what you and Jos had on your first date right here in this very place. Eight months ago. Both of you have come a long way, and it definitely hasn’t been easy. It’s been tough as shit some days and made you feel like pulling teeth— yours and hers alike. Today was one of those days, but it ended up well.

The waffle was your go-to order every time you two stopped by this establishment. And Erin, she’s become a great friend over time.

“You girls want some tea or coffee?” Erin asks.

“I’ll have a coffee. She’ll have tea.” Jos answers with a swift nod of her head.

“Alrighty.”

A minute later, Erin returns with a cup of coffee and tea. “How much—”

“On the house.”

“No—”

“y/n, don’t fight me on this. You’re not gonna win, my dear.”

Jos cracked a smile, then chuckled. “Okay, Erin. Fine.” You giggled, “Thank you.”

When you and Jos left the diner, it was nightfall. The sun had almost completely set already, the gusts of chilly wind blew through your hair, which felt very nice. Jos leaned her head on your shoulder for a second to take in the moment before leading you to her car about a block away.

“My place or yours?”

“Yours, it’s closer from here than mine.”

“Okay.” With that, she started driving. Pop music on the radio played softly through the speakers meanwhile.

The two of you didn’t speak for the whole ride, but it was a comfortable silence. Once home, Jos leads you up to her room after greeting her family. You two got changed then joined her family for dinner— it was pleasant. They always loved having you around. Afterwards, you quietly retreated to Jos’ room because of the growing ache in your head. When you entered her room, she was already laying a stack of clothes each for you and herself. “Come on, let’s go take a nice shower. I know your head must be killing you right now. I know mine is.”

Stripping off your clothes, you tossed it in the hamper and Jos does the same then walked into the shower together with you.

“Is the water okay? Is it too warm for you?” She asks you softly.

“Yeah. It’s okay.” You said, tilting your head side to side in order to stretch out the muscles as the warm water hits your skin. Jos hums in response, shampooing your hair for you once it was wet enough and also helped you to wash your body.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t have to thank me, baby.” You could almost hear her smiling as she spoke to you. Her hand massages your scalp for a little bit longer as your head remained under the warm water. You felt a little bad you couldn’t exactly help her do the same, because she was quite a bit taller than you, but she says it was okay. “Just give me some cuddles and we’re even.” She laughs softly, pressing a tender kiss to your forehead.

After drying yourselves off, you two promptly got changed and climbed into bed to watch movies on Jos’ laptop. Jos laid her head in your lap, focusing on the movie but also feeding you a Swedish Fish every now and then.

“I do not feel like going to school tomorrow.” Jos revealed.

“It’s Friday, though.” You mentioned, eyes flicking down to look at her. Your fingers were still combed through her hair, massaging her head.

“Damn, right. Those dumplings are really good.” Jos grins, “Yeah, let’s just go.”

“Then maybe we can go to the park for a walk after school. Get something to eat after.” You suggested.

“Sounds good.” Jos agrees.

“You tired?”

“A little. But I think we can just finish this movie and go to sleep.” Jos bit back a yawn.

“Alright.” You bent down to kiss her on the side of her forehead, “Let’s do that.”

————

🏷️ Tag list:

@ludoesartnstuffs @reneeswif3 @auliisflower

(Please let me know if you want to be added or removed!)

[clever-and-unique-name]

Didn't sleep last night, and I have no idea why. It happens often enough that it doesn't bother me so much anymore, as long as we don't have much planned the following day. Body clocks are weird and we've always been pretty nocturnal, long as nobody inside was obviously distressed, I wasn't gonna sweat it.

Raz tried to make herself present in the morning. She put on comfy leggings and a strappy tank top, had some coffee out on the deck. Raz things. Tried her damnedest to organize her thoughts for therapy in a few hours--read through the last month of journaling, looked back through our blogs for clues, reached out to anyone inside who might be listening.

And, in true Raz fashion, abruptly got tired and suddenly we were changing clothes in our room again, pulling on my jeans and slightly less-strappy tank top.

Therapy came and went. We hadn't seen our therapist more than one time in-person before covid lockdown hit, and have been doing phone sessions since. I'm face blind on a good day, but I wouldn't be able to pick her out of a lineup, gun to my head.

Still, she knows us, and she's learning about Us in the differentiating-between-parts sense. Me personally, I'm not a fan of therapists in general, but ours is a good egg. Raz was doing most of the talking during the session, but I hung around to add wonderful insights such as "Fuck, this is gonna make me sound crazy to talk about…" that really just add a certain je ne sais quoi to the therapy environment.

After therapy, it was off to the beach. Gotta keep moving, got shit to do, got bars to fill like in the Sims: eat a food, consume a caffeine, photosynthesize, touch a Big Water (the ocean, in this case.) Sweat my ass off in the last of the summer sun. Listen to the feral child in my brain begging to kick off our shoes and walk in the tide. Mutter about seaweed clinging to my calves and sand between my toes, but it makes her happy, so whatever.

Come home, hang out with our roommate slash best friend on the deck. Try to practice our new hobby, embroidery, because what's more fitting than to pick up a hobby all about untangling masses of knotted threads and trying to make something beautiful out of it.

Or something. I fucked it up and admitted defeat after two failed bullion knots.

We slip back inside and hang out in bestie's room for a bit while my sleep debt repeatedly elbows me in the face, reminding me I can't stay awake forever. The kiddos inside my brain, usually present later at night, hover closer as it gets harder to keep my eyes open.

Nope, fuck, not time for that yet, gotta get up, gotta make breakf….lunch? Food. Meal. Shuffle out to the kitchen while Abel stands off to the side, rattling off The Plan for making food. Do this, do that, then start this, then go back to that, and while you're doing this make sure you--

I nod along with the occasional grumble when she seems a bit Too nitpicky for someone who's intentionally not taking charge of moving our body around. I'm tired goddammit, I don't care that I was supposed to put the bacon on a different way.

Inside, Raz pats my arm sympathetically. Of course she knows all about being tired.

Wake our sleeping husband, feed everyone, clean up the kitchen. Feed the ferret and rat. Let the ferret out to run around like the little boneless dork he is.

Sit. Stare into space for a minute. Start writing this post.

I don't do well without a Thing to do. All I know are my little tasks. It's time for someone else to take over, I think. Maybe I've done enough for the day, y'know? What a concept.

- Tris

[initiala]

I am very tired, but I did it. I graduated from physical therapy today!

Three months ago, I got diagnosed with osteoarthritis. That’s the joint degenerating kind, not the swelling kind, so my bones are just grinding themselves into dust and I have to… deal with it? Anyway, it hurts! Especially because it primarily is affecting my hips, lower back, and spine—which is many bones!

So after spending most of April with a migraine and not being able to sit up for longer than 10-15 minutes, my doctor put me on some medicine (which didn’t really do anything, so we stopped that), got me some X-rays to figure out why my bones hurt that much, and then ordered me into physical therapy.

Well, the arthritis explains the bone-hurt, so my physical therapists have been putting me through my paces since May to get me back into a full range of motion. I can look to the left for the first time in two years without my neck hurting. I can actually offer resistance when someone pushes down on my legs, instead of sinking immediately. I…can still not vacuum without my hip hurting after a while but I have exercises that I still have to do to try and mitigate that.

Anyway I went from a chronic pain level of about a 6-7 to today being at a 1-2. Some days are flare up days and that’s fine. Tylenol helps and the exercises I can do at home help move things around and loosen up the muscles and joints—and things being too tight have been by and large the worst culprit of why it’s been so bad.

Basically, not only do my bones grind together, I need to actually like. Do some light exercise and stretching. Because it’s good for me or something. UGH.

Anyway. It’s not something that’s gonna go away ever, because that’s not how a degenerative joint disease works. Someday it’ll get to the point when I need my hip joints replaced or need to have some crazy injections to lubricate the bones or whatever. But for now I’m happy to at least feel like I have tools to help me on the days when it starts to feel bad, or even just when I sleep weird and need to get the kinks out.

Yay PT. If your doctor tells you to do PT, actually do it. It helps, I promise. Also if your therapist is chill they’ll usually be fine if you’re like “I hope you know how mad I am at you for making me do these, they fucking suck” and it’s like the most baby of baby exercises. Mine would just cheerfully go “yup! Now do them anyway!”

[tea-and-secrets]

aight asking here cause I’m fucking done. for the past year and a half, my parents have been fighting and then using me as a therapist. I want. One thing. I have a crush on this real nice guy and he wants to go on a date with me (definitely know it’s a date because he wants to match outfits, he suggested it after I asked him out). At first, his parents had Covid, then we waited on his stuff to come in, and now I can’t go on that date until FUCKING NOVEMBER because my family wants to go to the area with me (it’s a cool attraction and not naming what it is because certain family members are on this hellsite). I’ve put up with so much shit. I’ve asked for few things. Very. Few. Things. And all I get in return is douchery. I have felt like I was going crazy. I have had migraine. After migraine. After migraine. Thanks to the stress these bitches put me through. I HAVE TO GET A THERAPIST FOR THIS SHIT. I have dissociated so hard I thought I was just some spirit floating in the wind, imagining all this bullshit. I just wanted one thing. I can’t even get that. If I order an Uber to go there, my family will give me a hard time about the fact that I COULDNT WAIT. I HAVE WAITED FOR SO LONG FOR THINGS TO GET BETTER. If he decides he doesn’t wanna wait, I’m gonna go insane. I’m just tired. I finally had the courage last year to start talking to him. I met him at a ren faire in 22 and I had the courage to start talking to him since last July. I’m fucking done.

If anyone who knows me finds this, this wasn’t personal. I needed this out and it’s not like I’m gonna get a therapist any time soon. We’re fucking broke.

.

[beeben]

Wish the day ( the twilight/night time part) lasted longer ( i mean extra hours not get dark sooner) so i could have more time to myself.

I don't get an ounce of privacy until everyone is asleep and I cant stay up as late as i used to bc i start work so early. I really cannot stand it here lol this is turning into it vent post cus ive been having a really bad time lately and when i try talking about it everyone just goes "well i feel the same way but i just put up with it" i dont want to put up with it anymore i hate most of my family i hate my house i hate my life no i dont feel spoiled im always out of money because i have to pay for everyone's shit because my dad is an idiot whos been chasing a spot in football hall of fame since he was 12 even though now hes 50 and 300 pounds and cant hold a job more then than a year because he picks fights with people and is a bigot trying to work with mostly black people. Like it's fucking ridiculous i live in a fucking fantasy world where people think im crazy for saying things aren't okay. Maybe I am suicidal what then? I get an eye roll i get "everyone is suicidal im suicidal too" like? And we're supposed to be okay with that? Ive had such a shit month man idk i have to meet up with the hr people at work tomorrow idk if im traumatized or something im like terrified they're gonna spin some shit around and get me fired man im literally so sick and tired of people walking all over me i honestly don't care if i come off as an asshole anymore i deserve a little self importance idk why its such a shocking thing. I stayed over at my boyfriend's house the other night and people acted like i burnt a building down saying how out of character it was for me cus hes a man what the fuck ever. I don't even give a shit at this point he could've assaulted me and i would've come back just to spite them. Idk where im going with this im pissed off and i dont have anybody to tell because they either heard it already or would leave if i said anything. Nobody gives a shit and i don't mean shit and if i do mean shit to somebody they assume im normal like them and im not i feel like such a piece of garbage and i live with a bunch of idiot slobs who keep me on a leash so they have an extra wallet to use when getting school supplies or whatever else my dad refuses to pay for or as a fucking unpaid therapist when he abuses them and they feel sad about it :'(. Im really worthless lol i kinda just wish someone was honest and said it to my face instead of acting like its fine and everyone feels this way cus i know it's not and i know its not normal. I was born to be an accessory in my dads life to make him look more virtuous in the eyes of the church. My mom would've been better off if she had miscarried and he divorced her for being infertile or something at least then shed have a fucking life to live. This is ridiculous.