#my therapist helped with that transition and has seen so much improvement

[umemiyan]

oh btw just know that your fear/anxiety CAN be diminished or become almost nonexistent if worked on, even if you feel like you’re forever doomed to be afraid.

for example, this time last year i was absolutely HORRIFIED of going to the dentist. i had some traumatizing experiences in my early childhood and dental stuff was just panic inducing even tho i had braces for three years and had to go like every month. after getting them taken off i hadn’t been in over 13 years and was basically forced to go once my molar became infected and other cavities were eating my teeth.

but i have the right dentist now and i walked out of my first appointment practically unafraid. i was a little nervous about some of my bigger procedures, but it was nothing compared to the fear i used to experience. not even any shaking or stomach pain or anything. even with my issues with the numbing today, it rolled right off my shoulders, and the same goes for so many other situations i’ve been in that, a few years ago, i’m certain would’ve had me panicking.

i managed to get myself out of a situation that didn’t serve me as well as get therapy, and although i have the occasional moment of anxiety especially because i have trauma issues, i don’t live in fear almost every day like i used to. for years and years i thought i would just suffer for the rest of my life because that’s just the way it was, my brain was messed up and i WAS my anxiety/trauma. it defined me, and in some ways it still does, but it doesn’t completely control me like it used to.

it’s an ongoing process and i’m sure it looks different for everybody, but just a couple of years have gone by since i was at my lowest of lows but now i think i’m the happiest and healthiest i’ve ever been. like literally in my entire life. i’m not totally “fixed” or perfect by any means and i have setbacks sometimes but i can go to the dentist or have my car break down without feeling like the world is going to explode. i never thought it would be possible, but here i am. just thought i would share in case anyone feels like they’re hopeless or whatnot, because you aren’t.

[finnothehimbo]

I finally got top surgery and I’m healing beautifully I feel so lucky

And I don’t have the whole depression brain fog etc that people report having. this is incredibly normal to me. i actually feel less brain fog than before. I do really poorly with estrogen progesterone I’m glad I get to go back on T soon.

However I do hate clothes. I usually am exclusively shirtless at home and I must wear my post op binder until Halloween. This is the hardest part. I’m a trans person who hates all transitions. I hate going from dressed to undressed but need to do twice a day nipple dressing changes. It’s such a nucance but will be so worth it.

I got to go with my absolute number one pick for surgeon and I’m beaming. He’s done just as good as I dreamed of. It’s so even and natural. I’m so excited to gain my muscle mass back. I’m not allowed to lift more than 10 lbs for eight weeks. Yuck. Id been working manual labor moving 300+lbs more than eight miles a day. I’ve been getting buff and am so ready for summer 2025.

I feel like I’m just the luckiest man alive.

I’ve got top surgery from my top pick for surgeon.

I’m getting free training to go into my choice job field.

I can see myself in the mirror and am so much more sane that I was just a few years ago.

I have a partner I’d love to marry.

I’m known by name at work and am the popular guy. People flag me down to just chat. I’ve been openly described as smart and interesting. My inner child is screaming to be cool without sacrificing my morals. I just care so much about people and topics that it’s cool. I got an award for caring about the people we serve at work. I just feel like I belong.

My income is comfortable. Nothing flashy but I can eat out weekly without worry.

My person is so peaceful and sweet. Fae continue to improve and go to therapy. I don’t have to beg them to care about me or our relationship.

Poly has been painless when previously I thought I’m just too jealous when in reality I enjoy poly. I just need a partner who’s similarly invested in me as I am them. They don’t sleep with and flirt with all of my friends. Fae have a FWB and it was actually a beautiful thing to see them explore faer sexuality.

I’m seen as a positive male role model.

I go to muches routinely and am confident in my sexuality. My partners libido matches mine and I never feel like a lesser partner for how I exist sexually. I have been working through so much trauma around sex and am a changed man. I look forward to our long sentimental scenes. Faer just addictive.

My therapist is just the best. She truly gets it all. Autistic queer polyam chronicly I’ll person who’s helped so very much with my mental health. She actually found a physical health issue that I think will be world changing to get treated. Just fantastic.

I’m learning Spanish and have gotten good at math.

No one’s laughing at me. No one’s mean to me. My people genuinely care. They’re safe and don’t stir up such instability and lack of safety that I lose my marbles. I thought I was a loud irrational emotional person when that’s just not the case.

I’ve got my own place with a sweet cat. She was given a clear bill of health and is turning 13 next February.

My Person takes Christmas pictures with me and I just love it. They never make me feel dumb for caring. They never make me worry. They are worthy of the care and trust I put in. They deserve the dedication I give and it’s gorgeous. They’re a 20/10 and get flirted with constantly but come home to me. I sing happily and they look forward to my songs.

I have a full pantry and a home cluttered with things i adore. It’s clean and safe.

I just feel so lucky. The world is in my fingertips. There once was A little autistic queer kid who couldn’t fathom a good life. A sad young adult who felt like no matter how clear he spoke no one believed him. He’d freak out and cry daily. It was miserable to feel so looked at but so misunderstood. That everyone was ready to judge me to the point I just became feral with no fucks left to give. I had spiraled into a point of insanity that I couldn’t figure out a way out of. Now it’s just so easy. My life’s not perfect but the hard outcomes are so easy to stomach. My top surgery has been completely wonderful. I’m just so thankful.

[sonic-spirit]

I think the "The Crossroads = suicide" in animal/therian/otherkin HRT stories concern has more legs than not. BUT.

First, you're always playing on dicey ground when analyzing a story that hasn't completed yet. The HRT stories have grown far out of my ability to follow them all, and I know some have finished, but all the ones I am following are still in progress. In particular, ayviedoesthings's dragon HRT that started it all is still ongoing.

(GODS FUCKING DAMMIT, WHY DID I START WRITING THIS LONG ASS THING IN APP, I JUST LOST A BUNCH OF WRITING!)

In general, analyzing a work in progress often tells more about the analyst than the work.

As a result, there are a lot of plot threads that may resolve in one way, like the suicidality analog, or that could be revealed to be very different in actual practice.

In story, the only source of information so far about "the crossroads" is a doctor shown to be biased and gatekeeping. He's a morally grey character, his intentions are to mitigate harm, but his actions often cause it in his patients. He very much does not understand what they're going through, though he does seem to be trying to help.

This reflects a lot of trans encounters with doctors. Especially the "real life test" of being required to live as your desired self before being allowed to medically transition. Like, that's just a thing that gatekeeping doctors used to require before administering hormones. Fortunately most places don't have THAT hoop anymore, but we still have hoops to jump through. I had to get letters from 2 different therapists to get my top surgery (granted, that was to get insurance to cover it, but still).

There's a difference between a cis het administrator of the process' experience of the situation and their trans patients.

IRL, medical transition is often lifesaving (obviously not a requirement). Most of us know despair way, way too well. It makes sense to explore those depths in our art, especially in stories of transition. It's dark, it's messy, and it doesn't release its claws easily...or well. Even when things start to improve. Sometimes, getting release in our situations just lets that internal pain surge and swamp us. It sucks.

But transition's also often isolating. Some of us lose family or friends, recovery from surgery is painful and long. Every step of the way, we're being interrogated, whether we're sure, whether it's right, oh, isn't that awfully permanent? Moments of triumph always shaded by doubt.

So taking all those elements? Doctors blocking the door of relief, constant self doubt, the agony of both decision and recovery, those themes are strong.

And then, there's the release of wish fulfillment. Cuz fuuuuuck, no amount of transition is ever gonna fix my species. And it hurts. Cuz everything is wrong and alien. And there's fuck all I or anyone can do about it.

So that, I think, is where the potential "loss of sapience" comes in, which we haven't actually seen represented yet, and may or may not be (most likely is not) as clear cut as it's presented by our unreliable source, Dr. Erian. Because there is/would be a huge change in cognition, as your body and brain's structure changes...but how much of that would change you? As your body alters to what you've always actually been, how much does what makes you you actually change? And, what's more, how much would other people outside of you perceive what actually isn't changing?

I think there is an amount of exploring the seeking of lack of pain through loss of self, and that the suicidal parallels to that are worth discussing. But that's not necessarily what's being told in most of these stories. When people mourn our loss simply from transitioning in the real world, I find the interpretation of loss of self depicted in our fiction from those same sorts of people in story suspect. There could be, and likely is, more to thematically delve into within these stories. I think for most of them, more will come to the fore as the stories themselves progress.

That being said, I don't enjoy identity death in my TFs and stories, though I do like examining mind change, and how new memories and instincts can affect a person. And I get the squick, as a person very prone to suicidal thoughts, I side eye the loss of sapience as explained by the characters in these stories a lot myself. I just also think the individual in the story presenting this information is meant to be an unreliable or biased source, and that these stories will explore that more, even when some of the characters take it at face value.

Cuz on the other side, if you take this track as a suicide analog, as a way to terminate pain, and you and your pain still remain, then that's an interesting story to explore as well. I'm also really partial to stories that explore after the "ending" in general, tho'.

Tldr; Your concerns are legit, but I think it's more nuanced than that.

Hey guys maybe the repeating theme in those “therian HRT” comics about losing your sapience is bad, actually. Maybe it reflects a suicidal tendency that is not healthy and shouldn’t be celebrated. The desire to be non-sapient is not easily distinguished from a desire to not exist, imo. Those comics kind of make my stomach turn.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

I have a bit of a loaded question, so the area I live in doesn't have many places that offer hrt or any help for transexuals trying to start the process of transition and places that do cost thousands, I've been living in poverty for years and cant afford health insurance and my dysphoria has gotten worse over the years so can I ask how you went about transitioning or some advice on things you did to ease dysphoria? even if it's just minor stuff that I can try for now

Don't worry about asking too much. And feel free to ask more clarification on anything I say below. This is gonna be a long post so buckle in.

How I did my medical transitioning process in the USA:

-While Ohio certainly isn't a super progressive state, we got the Cleveland clinic which has an entire LGBT center that has been super easy and simple for me to work with.

-I talked to my primary Dr about getting a referral to the LGBT center. All they needed was a therapist letter showing that I do in fact have gender dysphoria/medically transitioning is an important part of improving my quality of life.

-from there I had an appointment to discuss what I want (hrt, top/bottom surgery, freezing eggs, etc etc). You don't have to do everything. But they all involve different drs so they wanna know who to reach out to.

-I got on hrt pretty quickly but I had to save a lot before I got top surgery since insurance wouldn't help at all.

Tips for paying for medical transitioning shit:

-goodrx is a good site for finding cheaper meds while still going though legit channels. You just need a prescription and a goodrx coupon. They're good for almost every us pharmacy.

-DO NOT GO THROUGH OTHER CHANNELS.

-I repeat. Do not get your meds through anyone except a Dr office. It's very unsafe and the risks are not better than the rewards. I know it sucks not being able to medically transition. And me telling you it'll be ok won't make it any more easier for you in this present moment. But I promise, it will eventually be ok. You'll get there and one day you'll be able to get everything through legit means. I'm sorry you have to be patient. You shouldn't have to be.

-poverty definitely makes things harder. I had a supportive family that donated money and art commissions I did to help fund my top surgery over the course of a year. But I am not at poverty level. I definitely wouldn't of been able to do that in your situation. I wish I had good advice for that but I don't. I'm sorry.

-does your state, county, city, etc have any LGBT support groups?? Sometimes they will have resources to help with funding and shit.

-there are scholarships for trans people to help with stuff. Can't promise it's easy to get, but it's worth looking into.

-I have seen people use this one thing to grow facial hair?? I don't remember what it was and I don't know if there's side effects. It was like a thing you rub one and it's for cis men to help hair growth. I'm not endorsing it, but it might be worth looking at.

-if you're gonna do binding make sure you look up how to do it safely and you buy it from a safe site. I know that it can sometime get pricey with that but binding unsafely will cost you more in the long run.

General tips for transitioning/suggestions for dysphoria (focusing on trans men):

-there's other things besides medical stuff. You can look into legal name changes too. You do usually have to pay which sucks, but it can be a really nice step when you can't afford the more expensive medical shit.

-even if there are no lgbt support groups in your area, there are online resources you can find too.

-dress for your body type. What styles work for one person, might not work for someone else. You don't have money to throw around so trail and error is a lot harder. But you really have to try and find what works best for you. That can take time.

-I found vests helped my chest look smaller which was nice. Button down shirts with fun designs also do a good job at making chests look smaller. The designs should be non symmetrical. The idea being that the design will drive people's eyes all over and not focus on your chest. I also liked t-shirts with large designs that went across the entire front part of the shirt as they don't have text/designs that exist right there on your chest focusing everyone's eyes there 🙄🙄🙄.

-I have a round face so I found that hair styles that make my face look more rectangular to be extremely helpful. To find what hairstyle is best for you, the best bet is to do some research. Don't go too short though or it'll come off as more of a pixie cut than a male hairstyle.

-one of the worst things for me was my voice (and it still kinda is). I found singing along to songs with male singers help. Both deep and high voices ones. With the music up high so it's harder to hear myself.

-try and figure out what stuff makes it worse. I know some people find seeing their naked body to be terrible and showering/getting dressed in the dark can help with that. If you can determine what makes things worse, you can find small solutions to them.

-when it's really getting you down, remind yourself of things that are gender affirming that you have/can do instead of lingering on everything you can't do.

-there are sports bras designed to make you look smaller which can also be helpful.

-not so much something to help you pass. But I have a hat that makes me feel better when I'm down. If you have a comfort item using it can help a lot when dysphoria is a bitch.

-for my body type I found cargo pants that were loose around the shins to be very helpful in making my hips look smaller.

-not sure about your home life. But if you can, don't shave. I honestly tell this to cis women too just cuz shaving is so much work. But not shaving can be very gender affirming (more so because of the society we live in). If anyone asks you can just say you're too lazy to shave and that tends to satisfy people without them going "you're just doing it for social commentary" (<- which isn't a bad thing anyways 🤷‍♂️ why do people care so much about hairy legs and armpits???).

-again. Don't know your situation. But just having people call you "he" around you can help more than anything. Even if you don't pass, just the acknowledgement that they see who you are will go a long way.

-remind yourself that it's ok that you don't pass. You're still a man.

-I had a really bad spiral of depression from dysphoria before. And I won't say I managed it perfectly. But just trying to get yourself to not care as much about what others think can help.

-this might sound counter productive. But don't slouch to hide your chest. I found that walking with my back straight with that "confident" strut helped make me feel a lot more comfortable about my body.

-if you have someone to talk to, talk to them. Telling someone about how your feeling won't solve the problem but it will make it easier for you to get the emotions out and think more clearly. I can't tell you how much easier it was to think of solution, and how much better I felt in general, by opening up to a supportive person.

-I always found hats to be gender affirming. There is no reason for this as it does not matter what kind of hat.

-we live in a covid world. Get yourself a mask that is "masculine." I say it like that cuz that's full bullshit and cloth has nothing to do with gender. But when I wear a cute cat cloth mask vs usually a black/gray mask I found I got gendered very differently. It's stupid but you might as well use gender stereotypes to your favor.

-don't avoid bright colors cuz you think they're feminine. It's a lot more about style and design than color for clothes.

-remind yourself that you don't need to pass. It's not the end all be all. You're no less trans. And you're still you no matter what people see you as.

-there are voice exercises to make your voice lower. I don't have recommendations but I know they're out there.

-get some boxers. You can't wear them on your period unless you do tampons or get period underwear that's boxer designed. But a majority of the time you can still wear them. And you'll find you get a lot less wedgies which is nice.

-get gendered shirts. Stuff like "world okay-ist brother." Even if you don't pass you can just tell people it's a gag shirt. And it's really nice to wear for yourself.

-People watch. I cannot stress this enough. People watch. Look at men. Look at how many are actually short, have wide hips, have baby faces, have high voices, have long hair, have soft eyes, have long eyelashes, have curves, have less hair on their arms. Look at how they sit, how many also cross their legs, how many also curl up in balls, how many also get flustered and cute, how many say aww at cute cat videos. Really look at them. Because there are so many cis men around you that have a lot in common with you. We've just been taught that these things are feminine or masculine when they aren't and dysphoria makes us exaggerate these differences even more. But they're natural on bodies of all genders. Actions/thoughts that we all share. And it's ok that you have those features. Look at the men around you and see how much you have in common. You aren't that different.

-lastly again. Remind yourself it's ok to not pass. Dysphoria will get worse and it will get better. You'll get over this wave of dysphoria. You'll find a way to manage. And one day you will realize you're thriving in ways you never thought you could. Its hard and I'm sorry it has to be hard. But you aren't alone. And you are already enough of a man as you are now. Even if you don't feel like it yet.

[storybookprincess]

Hi Liv! (: I'm in need of ur Tohru Honda-esque ‘big sister advice’!! It would be great if u cld give me a second opinion, if ur able! If not, that’s fine!

Rn, I’m doing online classes. It’s flexible + allows me more freedom to dawdle in fandom/have time w relatives…the end of SEM1 is approaching + I need to decide whether or not I’ll continue these virtual classes/start in-person learning again (in January). I’m conflicted. I enjoy being able to pace myself/not feel as stressed as I was b4, but I don’t think I’m trying as ‘hard’ as I shld? I don’t do projects/research outside of lessons + the absence of having peers to connect w…is making my mental health foggy. I sort of do wk half-heartedly, but still turn in everything on time + have high marks, so I’m not suffering academically lol. Still!

I don’t want 2 make the wrong decision & screw up my future! I miss my friends & walking down the halls. I used 2 complain abt going to school/dealing w the workload/business/drama…so why do I long for it now? It’s the feels vs. being practical.

I’m afraid 2 go back to in-person, smth also hindering my decision (& smth I’m struggling to admit). In previous years, I’ve been known as the ‘smart kid’ in the honors track. I’m worried abt what people will think of me…& that I’ll be seen as ‘other’. Will I be able to transition/keep my grades up? I’ll probably b placed in the regular track to help w the adjustment, but I’m still anxious. Shld I continue w online → I might switch to another program (one that has a Latin class I’m interested in + more detailed curriculum…unlike independent study) & stick it out? Or shld I go back to in-person?

Thx for reading this essay-of-an-ask. I hope ur December is going okay + the weather where ur @ is nice! <3 You inspire me to improve in writing and being more positive!

hello my friend!!!! first, thank you for your well wishes in this lovely ask!! and ofc i'm so honored you came here for some advice!!! i'd be happy to share my two cents, although *insert obligatory disclaimer about how i'm not a counselor or therapist or academic adviser & just a well meaning internet person & thus everything i say should be taken with a grain of salt*

so obviously the decision to return to in person vs remain in online school is a very personal one & i therefore don't feel i should just tell you what to do. instead, i'll offer a few things to think about:

1. the basics--what is your vaccination status, your district's policy on masks, and your own pre-existing health risks, if any?

this is all pretty straightforward stuff to answer, but i'd feel wrong leaving it out. if you are unvaccinated, are at a moderate to high risk for serious health complications from covid, and/or are in a school that doesn't enforce masks or contact tracing, you'll want to give those factors some serious consideration. obviously your health is the #1 priority in all of this

2. okay, onto the actual subject of your ask!! first, you'll want to weigh the burden on your mental health of being isolated at home versus the burden of the stress of being in school

in general, i think most students' mental health is much, much better when interacting with their peers on a daily basis. at our core, we're social creatures, and isolation truly wreaks havoc on our mental and physical wellbeing. there's a reason you find yourself missing school--seeing your friends and peers and teachers every day & getting to interact with them is as critical to your mental wellness as adequate sleep, water, and food. it's not silly or impractical at all!! it's the way we function as a species

however, that being said, if you're facing bullying, social ostracization, extreme academic stress, or other adverse experiences in school, you might find you feel better at home, and that's definitely something to take into consideration. so i'd encourage you to think about an average day at home versus an average day going to school. not the absolute worst or best days--just an average one. in which situation do you feel better? that might help with your decision

3. while i was initially just posing questions, this i can say with confidence--it's extremely unlikely anyone else is going to give more than a moment's thought to which track you start back at school in

a big part of adolescence is the persistent belief that others are observing & forming judgments about you & your behaviors. seriously, it's called the imaginary audience & it's a natural, healthy, and nearly universal stage of development. but the truth of the matter is that all of your peers are way, way too caught up in themselves to spare you much of a thought

of course your friends think and care about you. of course that one classmate appreciates when you always are there to loan them a pen. of course the new kid feels happy when you smile & wave to them in the hall. but short of those sorts of things where a person either has a strong relationship with you or you do something that affects them directly, the majority of people just do not care what anyone else is doing basically ever. except in rare circumstances, no one will judge what track you start back into because they've got their own things to think about. i wouldn't let that worry cloud your judgment, and i'd remind yourself over & over that the imaginary audience is just that--imaginary

i hope this was able to give you a bit of food for thought!! i trust you to make the right choice for you, but please know that whatever you decide, it's not going to be the singular make or break decision for your future. there will be plenty of other choices you'll make--some without even realizing it--that will have far, far bigger effects, so please don't stress too much. hang in there & know i'll be rooting for you!!!! xo

[hellomynameisbisexual]

When I first met my husband, Neal, I thought he was gay. Maybe that's because he told me he was gay. So while I was attracted to him, I figured he would just be my gay best friend. Then, one night, we wound up in bed together, and let's just say that he did not act like a gay best friend usually acts. In fact, he seemed more comfortable with my body than plenty of straight men I'd dated had been. And after a hot-and-heavy weekend, I knew a lot more about Neal than "gay" had hinted at: He'd been married before (to a woman), and he was (still is) attracted to both sexes. Since his divorce he'd mostly dated men, so he'd gone with "gay" over "bi" when we met, but deep down that's what he is: bisexual. I was not entirely surprised, and I was definitely not disappointed.

However, I did have some concerns. Early in our relationship, which got super serious, super fast, I was anxious: I worried Neal would change his mind, say that he was actually truly 100 percent gay after all, and leave me for a man. (Maybe you've heard the joke? A man who says he's bisexual is gay, straight, or lying.) Another part of me worried whether a bisexual guy could ever really be monogamous. Also, didn't being with a man who was interested in men and women mean that I was competing against everyone in the world for his attention?

I just wasn't that familiar with bi guys. Bi women are practically mainstream: Megan Fox, Lady Gaga, Anna Paquin, Jessie J, and Evan Rachel Wood, to name only a few, have all spoken openly about being bisexual. When a woman says she's bi, it makes her more desirable to men. But few celeb men are out as bi—and you never see two guys making out in a bar to get women to pay attention.

Plus, I must admit I wondered whether all the stuff people say about bisexuals might actually turn out to be true—that they're untrustworthy, just going through a phase, or slutty; that they'll break your heart or give you STDs and probably cooties too.

Dating a bi guy, even one as great and as honest as Neal, was daunting to think about.

The sliding scale of sexuality explained

Understanding the basic science of bisexuality helped me a lot. Ritch Savin-Williams, professor of developmental psychology at Cornell University, who has done extensive research into arousal patterns of gay and bisexual individuals, puts it simply: "Bisexual men are attracted to both sexes. They have variations in how much they lean toward women or men." It's important to note that Savin-Williams, like most social scientists, differentiates between sexual orientation and sexual behavior. "So a guy could be attracted to 70 percent men and 30 percent women," he says, "but still meet a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and be monogamous. His orientation is bi, but his sexual behavior is straight." Conversely, if someone is having sex with both women and men, then he is behaviorally bisexual, regardless of what he says his orientation is.

What many women struggle with is not the fear that a guy is bi but the fear that he's temporarily bi and will eventually identify as gay. It's not a weird thing to worry about (I worried about it!), since many men have done exactly that. "Before homosexuality was as accepted as it is now," says Allen Rosenthal, a researcher at Northwestern University, "homosexual men often identified as bi in the process of coming out, like getting their feet wet. But it was a disservice to genuinely bisexual men because it left a lot of people with the impression that bi is a transitional orientation." The good news is that the reasons the bi-to-gay move used to be so prevalent—societal and family pressures, fears of being openly gay—are lessening. These days, it's more OK to be gay, and that's making it more OK to be bi. Progress!

So Could You, Should You? We asked glamour.com readers if they'd date a bi guy. The results:

__I'd have a lot of questions,

but maybe.……………………………16%

No way.………………………………..36%

Totally, why not?…………………….48%

In other words, two out of three of you would consider it. Explained one commenter: "If he's into me, he's into me. If he happens to be into guys too, well…we only have more in common!"__

Our little nonsecret

Neal assuaged my anxieties by being so enthusiastic about me that I had no reason to doubt his attraction. I was impressed by his self-awareness too. He realized he was bisexual when he was 20, and he still considers himself attracted to both sexes, at a ratio of about 80:20, women to men. My friends said he was an improvement over more macho guys I'd brought home in the past, and no one really made a big deal about the bi thing. They'd already seen him with men and with women, and we run with a pretty arty crowd. Bottom line: I was in love. As the years passed, I saw that Neal had more integrity and self-knowledge than anyone I'd ever known. And so, reader, I married him. We've been together and monogamous for 12 years, married for eight.

Neal is comfortable with his sexuality. He's "straightish," in the terminology of a gay friend of ours. But he is kind of "gayish" too. He is a performance artist, eccentric, and has—true to stereotype—better style than I do. And if I'm like, "Wow, Mike is superhot," he doesn't stare blankly but says, "Totally. Because of the way he plays guitar, right?"

Generally, we don't tell the world about Neal's orientation (well, until now!). Not everyone is as supportive as our circle, and to be honest, I have zero interest in talking with someone who thinks I'm in a sham marriage just because my guy doesn't go, "Ewww!" when Channing Tatum takes off his shirt.

There have been a few bumps along the road. Early on, Neal confessed that he had a crush on someone else. In the moment before he told me who it was, as my heart sank, I thought: Oh God, it's a man. He's gay. He's going to leave me for a man. I am a fool. How did I not see it coming? How stupid could I be?

Then he told me who it was: a woman. And we worked through it. In retrospect, I think we would have been OK even if it had been a man. In the years since, we've weathered crushes I've developed too, and a million other surprising and not-so-surprising things. I don't think we're any more open-minded than most couples—but the amount of honesty required at the beginning of our relationship has served us well.

Talk, then talk some more

So how do you make it work with a bi guy? "If I were a woman involved with a bisexual man," says Savin-Williams, "I would have very honest communication with him about what he means when he uses the term." Trust me, I asked Neal a lot of questions about what he was into and what to expect as our relationship deepened. Would he commit to monogamy? What kind of boundaries did we need to set up? Be clear about what you're asking, warns Lisa Diamond, professor of developmental psychology at the University of Utah. "The question Are you attracted to men?' is different from Would you want to have a sexual relationship with a man?'" she points out. "Many men might say, It's a hot fantasy, but not one I would act on.'" At that point the question becomes whether or not you're OK with the fantasy. On the other hand, if he says he wants more than a fantasy when it comes to men…then he might not be the guy for you.

No matter whom you're dating, part of love is taking that leap into the unknown. "The only way to be truly sure," says Barbara Hernandez, a family and marriage therapist, "is over time. It depends on the values of the person, and the strength of commitment, and whether both partners work hard at it." Good advice for any couple, even a straight-as-an-arrow one.

At some point, if you're still freaking out about whether your bi guy is really bi, you might need to acknowledge that what you're worried about is whether he's really yours. "We all need to be honest with ourselves," says Diamond. "I wonder if the underlying concern isn't the same one we always have: Does he really want me? Is he going to leave me? That's a concern as old as the hills." With Neal, I came to look at it this way: If he was choosing to be with me, then he was choosing me over all men and women everywhere. And that felt kind of awesome.

Believe it or not, Neal's sexuality doesn't come up that often in our daily lives. My failure to close drawers, his inability to throw anything away, and an ongoing disagreement on who is the more lenient parent are all topics that cause more strife than his sometimes thinking men are hot. Really, who can blame him? Men are hot, especially ones who are honest and confident. Especially ones who, even though they may be attracted to lots of people, pick you.

[goron-king-darunia]

Annon-Guy: In response to the Successors of Hope, Chapter 9 question; 1. I know why Emil (being abused) and Richter (being a Half-Elf) didn't value themselves too much at the start, but how come Marta doesn't see much value in her own life (like giving up her life for Luin, her freedom for Altimira and even expecting Emil would be relieved she died at the Ice Temple.)? 2. Do Emil, Marta and Richter start to like themselves and begin to give their own lives more value during the True Ending?

I’m not sure. It’s possible sexism is a thing that exists in the land of Aselia and that’s why Marta has a low opinion of herself or sees herself as a disposable pretty object whose only purpose is to be cute and fall in love. But I’m not sure if that’s right. We’re not given any canon information about why she feels or acts the way she does when it comes to her willingness to throw herself in harm’s way, whether it’s helpful or not. It could be cultural. Japan, unlike the USA has more emphasis on the community whereas the USA has more emphasis on the individual. In Japan, people have implicit trust that the community will care for each other. Because of this, it’s not uncommon to see young kids basically walking or taking public transit virtually wherever they want to run errands or meet up with friends all by themselves. In Japan, seeing a kid alone is basically just a thing that happens. (This is probably why Emil and Marta can stay at inns and move around as much as they do with no one questioning it. They’re nearly young adults and unlike in the USA where the immediate thoughts are “vandals/hooligans” and “runaways” in Japan, young people walking around alone is like... normal.) So it’s possible that this same community-mindedness is why Marta feels compelled to put herself in danger. “If I don’t give myself up like Emil said, then all of Luin will be destroyed. It’s better for the community if I turn myself in.” That, however, doesn’t feel quite right, either. Her dad dotes on her a lot, before what happens with the Vanguard so it’s possible that some of this is because she feels rejected by her dad and not fully embraced by Emil or other boys. Because of this, she may be fitting herself into a role she thinks the men in her life WANT her to fit into, and has little self-esteem because she bases her identity around the men she cares about. The only significant female in her life other than Alice who bullies her, was her mother. It’s possible Marta doesn’t know how to relate well to other girls before she starts off on her adventure as she doesn’t seem to have many friends of her own.  This is all purely speculation, though. Again, the game canon and the out-of-game materials don't give us much insight and I don’t know if Tales of the Rays addresses any of this. It could be all of this, it could be none of this, it could be some of this.  My personal theory is that Marta was very attached to her mother. Marta’s entire idea of womanhood is based on her mother. Marta grew up with a devoted and caring mother that was dedicated to making her happy and making Brute happy. When she died, Marta not only lost a person she cared about deeply, but she lost that “life template.” And because of her grief, she distanced herself from whatever friends she had at the time and was averse to making new ones possibly explaining why she didn’t recognize that our Emil isn’t the “real Emil” since she probably didn’t know the “real Emil.” Then, before she could really start putting her life back together, the worlds merge into one and suddenly the cultures of Tethe’alla and Sylvarant are clashing, so she has prejudice to worry about now. Then, when things finally start getting back to normal, helping her dad run the Vanguard when it was a charity, some redheaded dude swoops in and suddenly her dad is acting really weird. She still has no friends and most of her life between her mom’s death and now was spent either grieving or helping her dad. And now she’s losing her dad to his power-hungry madness. So she simultaneously has no friends or estranged friends, a dad that’s gone nuts, a charity she helped run turning into a militant group of bigots and to top it all off, she’s having the classic teenager identity crisis because she’s had basically no time to explore her own desires or interests. She doesn’t really know herself, she has no support group, she’s involved in things bigger than herself and feels trapped, her mom is gone and she feels lost in life. She can’t go to her mom. Her dad tries to keep her safe in her room and never lets her help and won’t listen to her attempts at persuasion. She doesn’t know how to relate to her old friends and she can’t make new ones because her dad is running the Vanguard and a lot of people hate the Vanguard (see: literally all of Luin except for Emil.) She has no one she can offer help to and she has no one to offer her the help she needs. So she simultaneously sees herself as unable to help others (useless) and unworthy of the help she needs (worthless.) This is what I think contributes to that self-sacrificing demeanor and why she gets so upset if you take her out of the main fighting party and have only monsters and Emil fighting.  In terms of who’s got more self-esteem by the end of the game, it’s kind of a wash. Richter doesn’t let anybody treat him badly, but he obviously doesn’t love himself because even without the prospect of getting Aster back, he’s fully on board to just stay behind in the Ginnungagap and burn for eternity to make up for his mistakes. He pinned a lot of his self-esteem on what Aster thought of him and you can see that a lot in the Onshuu no Richter manga. Emil has improved a lot over the course of the game, but, like Richter, he’s also resigned to staying behind to fix mistakes he didn’t really make because he knows Ratatosk needs him and he feels responsible for what happened to Aster and thus what happened to the world since that confrontation with Richter. Marta has also shown improvement, but like Richter, she pins a lot of what she thinks is right and a lot of her self-worth on whether Emil approves of her or not. Ratatosk is a weird case but he’s also basically around the same level. He ACTS like he thinks he’s hot shit, but he clearly understands that everyone likes the side of him (Emil) that he considers weak. Accepting Emil as part of himself at the end of the game is one of his biggest moments of growth. If we consider Emil and Ratatosk separate entities, this constitutes growth in recognizing that Emil is that kindness that Ratatosk has inside him and continues to have inside him, despite trying to quash it so he wouldn’t be hurt again. Accepting Emil represents him accepting both his weaknesses and his kindness as part of himself. Ratatosk is learning to love not just PART of himself but ALL of himself.  I think Richter maybe has a little more work to do, but a lot of that is going to be him recognizing that self-esteem and self-respect aren’t quite the same. Richter definitely respects himself. Aster taught him enough in that department for it to stick. But he definitely doesn't love himself or see value in himself independently of what Aster would think of him or what he can do to make up for the mistakes he knows he made. He sees his soul utility at the end of the game as being part of the temporary seal on the door and is surprised when Ratatosk says at the end of it all, Richter would be free to leave. Having someone consider his life being worth saving and his freedom being valuable is clearly still new for Richter. Emil, Marta, and Ratatosk are all headed in the right direction, but I think Emil and Marta would have a quicker growth into loving themselves for who they are if they had that journey of growth separately, but I can’t say that being loved by others isn't also very helpful to learn how to love yourself. What I think would be most healthy for Emil and Marta (and Richter and Ratatosk, but that’s kind of hard considering Ratatosk puts Emil out front for social things and Richter is stuck underground) would be for them all to be part of a broader social group. Honest to god? If I were their collective therapist? I would diagnose a boardgame night or book club for these guys. Set them all up with a hobby they can do with each other once a week or once a month or something. Let them figure out what their interests are. Let them make friends they aren’t interested in dating. Let that love they get out of friendship be that first little stepping stone. “Ah yes. These people keep inviting me to things. I feel like I’m a garbage person/terrible human/worthless waste of space who’s only value is I helped the world a little bit/I made up for my mistakes/I make someone happy because I am romantically accessible. Now I see that beyond that I am actually a likeable person. People wouldn’t keep inviting me to meetings if they hated me, right?” Once they get to that level of self-love and self-esteem? The rest is fake it until you make it. Emil’s confidence issues? He just has to act confident until he believes in himself. Marta’s feeling like she can’t help or contribute? She just needs to keep helping out in small ways until she recognizes her own impact on the world. Richter’s self-flagellation over basically destroying the world? He just has to pretend to be a good person for a bit, pretend he’s worthy of other people’s genuine affection. Eventually, he’ll start seeing the good he can do for the world and that his existence isn’t just a worthless farce standing as a testament to the loss of a “more valuable life.” For real. Get these poor kids some productive hobbies and a friend-group that isn’t trying to get in their pants and you have a pretty good recipe for getting them to actually see value in themselves. Value that’s more than just “what they can do for others.” Therapy would also work but... I have not seen a therapist in all of Aselia so... clearly they need to discover that profession. XD I’m gonna @aerypear on this one to see if I need to put on the “Bad Therapist” T-shirt again. Sometimes my psychoanalysis is pretty good and sometimes I am a garbage monster. XD

[werevulvi]

This is not a coming out post or a declaration of new labels in any way, shape or form what so ever. This is merely me venting new thoughts and trying to detangle my feelings. I'm just experimenting around, alright.

I took a break from venting to my partner about my endless gender anxieties and instead turned to an online friend for advice on my situation, because he was open to hear about it, and asked me about my wish to go back on testosterone. This barely adult trans guy who's 10 years younger than myself, only been on testosterone for about a year and fairly recently had top surgery, has become a little bit of a mentor for me... ironically. As just a couple of years ago, I was a bit of a mentor for him as an inspirational "trans elder."

Is it right that I unload my deep, heavy inner struggles on him for advice about transition/detransition stuff? Debatable, but I'm pretty sure I have good influences on this kid, as he has matured and wised up vastly for the past couple of years that we've been friends. And yes, he's totally fine with my "terfy" gender critical, radfem opinions, despite being a transmed/truscum himself. We usually get along just fine, despite our different views. He looks up to me.

So, for whatever it's worth, I really value my friendship with him and I have a lot of respect for him.

So, anyhow. I had a chat with him yesterday, in which he kindly tried to substitute for my absolutely useless therapists. Much appreciated. And it helped me to get a new, fresh perspective on it that sparked a lot of new ideas and feelings within me. Even as a gender critical person, I think it's important to not narrow my mind down to only listening to that one world view. If I'd do that, I'd be no better than the hive-minded TRA's, okay.

What's so fresh about his world view is that he doesn't believe in nonbinary, because he understands that the only sexes that exist are male and female, and that intersex is not a third sex, and otherwise has the quite typical transmedicalist view of gender identity being connected to dysphoria and that that's something trans people are born with, alright. Furthermore, he accepts that he's bio female and always gonna be that way, but just feels better living as a man and passing as male.

So he would never shove the nonbinary label down my throat, like almost everyone else has (including my quack of a gender therapist who literally spews fake-science), and he understand that I really have dysphoria when I describe it to him, despite having mostly thought of me as "a regular cis woman deep down." He understands that my traumas fucked with my perception of gender, takes my autism and BPD into account (he's also autistic and his sister has BPD); but is also quite open to the idea of atypical dysphoria in binary trans people, and that trans men don't have to be masculine, etc. He's also totally fine with my sex-based views on sexual orientation, but regards his own sexual orientation as gender-based. So his perspective differs slightly from my own perspective, but we do have a lot of views on trans stuff in common, and are both respectful of each other's differing views.

That should be the necessary background info about him, I believe. So like... he's not like the harmful TRA's on twitter, even though he has shitty views on bisexuals (yes, that was him in my previous, angry post about bisexuals, lol. We got over that.)

What he suggested to me was basically (my rough translation of a snippet from what he said, what stood out to me the most): "Why not be openly FtM? Accept your female traits (then I mean body and terms like lesbian and that too) but put yourself in a male identity? It sounds kinda like that is what fits the best in your situation when the only thing you have dysphoria over is just what's socially male traits och not the directly bodily." It hit me hard because I had never seen it that way before. It opened up a new posibility, and that's really all I'm saying here. It's a posibility, and I want to explore it. Just telling me that I can be FtM if I just feel like it was not what I needed to hear. I discarded that from others in the past, claiming such an assertion to be silly and illogical. I miss my breasts, I regret my top surgery, I love my female body and I'm proudly a lesbian - I cannot possibly be a trans man because I don't have enough dysphoria for it! -I kept thinking.

But then... when I was instead told that I could be FtM based on that I actually want to and like passing as male, and that I can actually totally be a hyper-feminine, lesbian trans guy who is fine with his female body underneath the clothed surface... THAT lit a light in me. So, why I had been repeatedly discarding the option to be a feminine trans man in the past, wasn't because I genuinely thought it was a dumb idea, but because I didn't believe it could even be an actual option, based on my dysphoria being so... female friendly. Now... I feel like it could be an actual option.

I mean I have healed... A LOT. I've healed my connection to being female a lot. I've even accepted and embraced that I'm a lesbian. I made most of my dysphoria go away. Those are HUGE things that should absolutely not be flushed down the drain. But fact is I'm still dysphoric and without really having seen it that way before, I have been presenting as a feminine/gnc male quite a lot throughout my detransing, and that's what I'm the most comfortable with. I've stated it many times: That I love looking like a gnc man. Being a "male-passing bearded woman" oooh sounds like a trans guy to me?! Well, could be. I've felt consistently uncomfortable trying to pass as female, and my dysphoria has gotten worse the longer I've been off testosterone. Quitting voice training and saving out my beard again felt like two huge reliefs; to embrace my beloved T traits and accept that I cannot possibly hate them.

They are mine, they feel intrinsic and crucial to my body and I want them to stay. Now I'm hassling with my gender clinic to get back on testosterone again. I am going to. If at all possible.

I feel a sense of relief, but also defeat, at the thought of going back to my old label as a trans man. However, it wouldn't be the same as it was back then. I'm a proud lesbian now, I have enough pussy power to empower a whole nation of insecure women, I'm fine with being considered a woman based strictly on my biology, I've healed my connection to my female sex. I feel like a completely different person compared to the miserable, self-hating trans man I was prior to mid 2018, and I would never go back to being that sorta trans man again... but I'm contemplating the posibility of being a lesbian, openly female, gender critical trans man. Because as my friend said: why not? Let's address gender identity quickly: Would I then identify as a man? No, not really. If so, I'd wear the label trans man or FtM in the sense of being a dysphoric female who's happily transitioned, (hopefully) back on testosterone, happily male-passing and living as sort of a man socially. Then I mean living as a man in the sense of deliberately passing as male, going by male terms/pronouns (except from labeling myself lesbian and being fine with using female terms on occasion, depending on the context) but not actually identifying as any sorta gender in particular. Then why calling myself a man at all? Well... because I look like one and I love looking like one. People cannot see or hear in my voice that I'm actually female, and they don't need to know that, except from when they actually do need to know that. I want to be open about my sex being female but I feel like maaaaybe I'm not actually comfortable with calling myself a woman. At least not like 500 times a day. Because personal comfort is more important than politics. Repeat that after me.

This does however, unfortunately but of course, make me re-think my wish got get breast implants. Do I regret my top surgery? Yes. Do I miss having boobs? Yes. But it's hard as hell to present male with obvious boobs that I'd be unable to bind. Both because the implants would likely damage my internal tissues badly if I kept them pressed down like that, and because I've already whacked my ribs from previous binding pre-op. It would be way too dangerous for both those reasons. I can't help that the thought of being a trans man with silicone boobs, after top surgery, sounds insane to me... but I'm trying to look beyond that and focus on what I want for myself and what matters to me personally. If I actuallly, truly, madly, deeply, want new boobs for myself and my private personal life because I think that would improve my connection to my chest... then I should do that regardless of how insane it may seem... because of the label I'm slapping onto my ass.

The questions spinning in my head, about my chest, are:

Can I live with it?

Can I accept that I made a mistake to have top surgery, but move on with my life with how things became?

Would it be easier to become fine with it if I reclaim my former male identity, or just another escape?

Was my wish to get new breasts only connected to my identity as a woman?

Would I be able to let go of my grief and regret, and find the silver lining of having a flat chest, as a self-loving and self-caring, openly FtM person, while presenting as male?

Could I allow myself to enjoy going out bare-chested in public and enjoy the summer breeze, or pool water, directly caressing my skin, if I'd embrace that I actually enjoy looking like and living as a man who is actually female?

If I willingly and wantingly present as male, not just skipping trying to pass as female out of convenience, but embracing my male-passability as a positive thing that I actually enjoy; would that also make me comfortable, or at least okay with, not having breasts?

I need to think through all of those questions. I'll soon have my consultation for breast reconstruction. Fuck. I need another summer to explore and experiment with being flat-chested and how I really, really feel about it. My god, why is this so hard?! (breathe... relax... it’ll be alright.) Yes, I have healed my connection to my femaleness, but was that ever equal to me being happy with living as a woman? Perhaps I went too far with it to actually detransition, when there was an in-between option all along, that I just glossed over and discarded without even entertaining the thought. Perhaps the middle ground that I need to be, is not nonbinary... but a lesbian, openly female trans man? I need to experiment and explore this new-old option which I feel just opened up before me. I'm freeing my aching chest from the heavy breast forms and tight bras, even trying out packing my underwear again (I kept my small "Pierre" packer (uncut version) which is perfect for when wearing skirts, as it barely shows any bulge at all... because boner+skirt is just a really bad look alright), while still wearing my usual feminine style. I'm vaguely considering going swimming in just bottoms again (whether panties or shorts). I'm playing with the rare, male name Saphir in my mind as an alternative to my similar-sounding birth name Sara (which I currently go by, officially), and asking myself gently how I would feel about going by he/him pronouns and male terms again; just to play around and feel things out.

So far... it feels pretty fucking good. But it's only been one day and that's not a lot to go on. I need to give this a hell of a lot more time. I am not done yet. I'm merely starting, again. I only wanted to vent these thoughts and feelings while they're still fresh in my mind. So please excuse the mess, I'm still under construction and it's unfortunately taking a little longer than expected. Thank you for your waning patience.

[nerdygaymormon]

Resources

When I write a note to a parent or in response to some of the asks I’ve received, I will sometimes share a few links of resources or info. I’m sharing these for anyone to access or to share. These are not organized in any sort of order, but I’ll give a brief description of each one. 

1)  The Ten Tips for Parents on mormonandgay are good. And since it’s from a church-sponsored site, members will accept this without much criticism.

2)  Listen Learn & Love is a website by Richard Ostler. He's a former bishop who has made loving LGBT Mormons his ministry. The site has links to many useful resources. In his podcast, Richard speaks to many queer people (some who are still in the LDS church and some who have moved on) and lets them tell their story. I think the podcast is very useful for queer members to hear people who went through, or are currently going through, things that they do. And for non-queer people, I think they’ll be moved by hearing the experiences & thoughts of queer people in their own words.

3)  I think the Family Acceptance Project’s pamphlet for LDS families is excellent. Basically it says to accept & love your kid.

4)  PFLAG has resources for families of LGBT individuals. They focus on supporting those in need, education & advocating to create a better world for LGBTQ+ people, friends, family & neighbors (and I’ve been really impressed with their Provo, UT office). PFLAG has chapters in many nations. 

5)  This is a TedTalk that speaks to reasons why Nature creates homosexuals and includes some of the character traits of gay people compared to the general population.

6)  When I come across church members who think that homosexuality is a choice, I refer them to this document put together by Dr. Bill Bradshaw. He is a BYU researcher/professor and a former mission president. He summarizes the research showing the LGBTQ orientations are biologic, not a choice or caused by parenting or cultural influences.

7)  This is long, but is the best write up I’ve seen about the LDS church’s history on homosexuality while explaining what this is like for gay Mormons. Bryce Cook put this together and it was peer-reviewed and published. It does a good job in showing that change has happened, and we can expect more change to come.

8)    Taylor Petrey is a professor who in this presentation gives me many things to think about regarding gays & lesbians and Mormonism. He speaks about a post-heterosexual Mormon theology and points out how heterosexuality is not present in many LDS creation stories. He speaks like an academic, but is so thought provoking

9)  This is a simple to follow explanation of why temple sealings for gay couples makes sense. Useful for when members say that temple sealings for gay couples can NEVER be.

10)  Josh & Lolly Weed are the most famous example of a gay man & straight woman in a marriage. They have been very open about their experiences. This is the blog post where they announced their divorce. It is very illuminating and does a great job of explaining why this sort of marriage really doesn’t work for most gay people.

11)  This is dense, but it’s a listing of all sorts of queer people and relationships in Church history (we’ve been a part of the Church since the beginning). I think it’s fascinating to read about these people, the way they were treated and influence they had.

12)  This is a video about coming out, but from a very different point of view. It’s about coming out as straight, but I found it to be sweet and relatable.

13)  This is a humorous video about coming out as gay by Wanda Sykes

14)  Family Fellowship Support Group on Facebook is meant to help  Mormon moms & dads learn how to parent their gay child. It’s a closed group so only members of the group can see what’s posted.

15)  Transactive LDS is a private group for transgender individuals or family members.

16)  Carol Lynn Pearson is a Mormon who was married to a gay man. She’s the OG of LDS allies to the queer community. You may be familiar with some of their work like My Turn On Earth. She has written several books that are, in one way or another, about being gay in the church (Goodbye, I Love You; No More Goodbyes; and The Hero's Journey of Gay and Lesbian Mormons). Most famously she wrote the Primary song “I’ll Walk with You” and she was imagining singing this to gay children as she wrote it.

17)  Tom Christofferson, brother of the apostle D Todd Christofferson, is a gay man who came back to church and wrote a book titled That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon's Perspective on Faith and Family. He emphasizes the inclusion he received from his family, and from his ward when he wanted to come back. Here's an article summarizing parts of his story

18)  Affirmation is the oldest organization for LDS/post-LDS LGBTQ+ individuals, family and allies. They have multiple Facebook pages for people in different spots of their faith journey/in what way you’re queer/if you’re an ally or parent of a queer child. 

19)   Dragon Dads is a closed Facebook group for Dads to gain support, process & support their children who are LGBTQ+ in healthy ways

20)   Mama Dragons is for moms of LGBTQIA kids, the purpose is to support healthy lives

21)   The Human Rights Campaign has an online booklet for LGBT Mormons

22)   Gay Mormon History is a site that lets people explore the history of LGBT issues in the LDS Church

23)   Elder Ballard said “We need to listen to and understand what our LGBT brothers and sisters are feeling and experiencing. Certainly, we must do better than we have done in the past so that all members feel they have a spiritual home where their brothers and sisters love them and where they have a place to worship and serve the Lord.” (BYU Question and Answer devotional from November 2017)

24)   In the best BYU devotional ever given on the subject, BYU professor Eric Huntsmans “Hard Sayings and Safe Spaces”

25)  Many LGBT members find themselves at the church schools. USGA & USGA-Rexburg are organizations where they can meet other queer people. 

26)  Members of the LGBTQ community experience are at higher risk of committing suicide than the general public. The Trevor Project helps people ages 13-24. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is available to anyone in the US. The Trans Lifeline is available in the US & Canada and it works to end transgender suicide and improve overall mental health of transgender people.

27)  Our Asexual & Aromantic church members have a closed Facebook group for them & their allies. 

28)  Many LGBT people step away from the LDS church. The Thoughtful Transitions Support Group on Facebook is meant to a safe space for people to heal and grow

29)  If you or a loved one needs therapy, there’s several options. If they are a university student in the US, they likely can access services free-of-charge at their school. Another option is to check your insurance and find the mental health professionals in your area that are covered. Try contacting the psychology dept at a local university for leads on a good therapist, or perhaps they offer some counseling services to non-students. Some members of the LDS church feel more comfortable going to see a therapist who is also LDS or who is familiar with the church. The Mormon Mental Health Association has a listing of such therapists arranged by US state & Calgary, Canada. 

[sidenotelife]

3 things I learned from 7 years of counseling

One of the major perks to the med school I’ve been at for the past seven years is that they offer free counseling and psychiatry visits for students. I essentially started going to counseling to deal with issues related to depression and anxiety which include but are not limited to: understanding my emotions, anger management, coping with stress, recognizing when I’m stressed, social skills, effective communication. Sidenote - fun fact, 66% of state medical licensing boards require you to disclose if you’ve ever had a mental health diagnosis regardless of whether you are receiving current treatment and if it affects your ability to be a physician. If you are interested, see article here that shows that physicians in states where you have to disclose your mental health history are less likely to seek psychiatric treatment. There’s actually a bunch of online conversation about this topic, but I had never even considered it until I graduated med school. Anyways, over the past seven years I’ve had good and bad counselors, but I’ve managed to learn some useful stuff regarding self-care during these years. Sidenote - I should preface this by saying that many counselors spoke to me about the importance of exercise, taking time to myself, etc. but I feel these ideas are well established and basically common sense, so I’ll address three things that I had never really thought about before going to counseling. 

1. The emotion wheel.

A big problem I had/have... Sidenote - throughout this post I’ll talk about problems that I’ve worked on during counseling and I’ll refer to them either as “had” or “have”, but really these are all problems I still have, hopefully just to a lesser degree than I did seven years ago. Anyways, one problem I had is that I felt angry a lot and whenever Katie would ask me what was going on I would explain it as being tired but in reality I was having trouble putting my finger on the exact emotion I was having. I would just bunch up a lot of emotions under the umbrella of “tired.” So I had one therapist that introduced me to this emotion wheel where you choose your initial emotion which starts in the center, which is a simple one that literally includes the emotion “bad.” Then you branch out from there and progressively specify your emotion. 

For example, a common scenario when I would use the wheel is when I was doing the laundry wrong and Katie would comment on it and I would get upset, but when I broke down the “angry” feeling it branched to humiliation to disrespect. I was feeling disrespected about my laundry-doing skills, and understanding this was the precise emotion I was feeling helped me to troubleshoot it by working on my humility and helping myself see that I wasn’t the king of laundry, this was in fact Katie’s domain because she deals with house stuff all the time and I needed to humble myself to follow her laundry guidance. This feeling angry really had more to do with a resistance to being humble than simple being angry There are other examples of this, but the point is that the emotion wheel has been really useful for me because it helps me to interpret my own emotions at a more specific level, and thus allows me to better figure out how not to get angry. I saved a screenshot of this emotion wheel on my phone and look at it frequently. 

2. Nobody pays as much attention to me as I do. 

Another topic I worked on a lot during counseling is dealing with social anxiety and becoming real paranoid that everyone was judging me for all the awkward things I was doing. Part of this was probably true because I do lots of awkward things but I had several counselors coach me into understanding that the reality, for better or for worse, was that people were not paying that much attention to me. They, like me, were probably obsessing over their own actions and too preoccupied with themselves to pay attention to me. This has really helped me brush off social anxiety and not get so caught up in what I am or am not doing and become more comfortable just being myself. This kind of transitions nicely into my last thing: 

3. Stopping to think through my circumstances as if I were observing someone else. 

Whenever I found myself in a frustrating situation at school, like say I got critiqued for making a mistake in the operating room, I would go down a rabbit hole of worrying and thinking about irrational things which would rapidly deteriorate into meaningless anxiety. A thing that helped me escape these sorts of stress sinkholes was the idea of looking at my problems as if one of my friends were telling me about their problems, and then imagining what sort of advice I would give them. This was really useful because what I would tell someone else to do was usually a lot more rational and well-grounded than what I would do myself. For instance, if my friend was stressed about making a mistake in the operating room and being criticized by an attending I would not tell that person to reconsider medicine as a career, I would not tell that person to avoid that attending for the rest of their life, and I would not tell that person to replay the mistake over and over. Instead I would probably tell that person that it’s extremely normal to make mistakes as a medical student in the operating room, and it’s not really a natural setting for learning, and that they should go back and work with that attending unless they were told otherwise because they probably don’t even remember that you made a mistake nor do they remember your name. I sense that this general principle of minimizing self-bias is really important to introspection and self-improvement. 

So overall I’ve had a good experience with counseling these past seven years, but I wanted to end on this slightly paradoxical caveat. I want to take a second to talk about access to mental health care. If I had to consider paying for counseling, especially if I had to consider paying like $100/hr for it, I’m not sure I would have done it. I hate to say this because I would love to be a stronger advocate for counseling, but it’s just logistically complicated. And it’s not just the price. Over the past seven years I had like ten counselors and I felt really good about one or two? of them. I imagine this is the ratio for just about anyone who goes to counseling because it really does come down to personal fit, and it’s really not like finding a good orthopedic surgeon, it’s a lot more like finding a good spouse. So using some back of the envelope calculations, the cost of all the visits just to find a good counselor, not to mention it takes several visits to establish an initial rapport with a counselor, you could easily rack up $1,000+ to simply FIND a good counselor, and then you have to start paying $100 an hour to do the actual work of counseling. And we haven’t even gotten to the time it would take out of residency. In all the rotations I’ve never seen a resident leave early to make a personal medical appointment. In fact, I’ve rarely even seen a resident call in sick. I’ve much more frequently seen residents come in hacking up a lung. Considering that you would probably have to meet with a counselor semi-regularly to establish some initial rapport, it rapidly becomes impractical from the financial and scheduling perspectives to go see a counselor. Like I said, I hate to say this because I really believe counseling is useful and would be beneficial for basically everybody, but the way mental health services are valued by insurance companies and the greater healthcare community, I have serious questions about the practicalities of counseling. I guess I’ll end by reiterating that I overall recommend going to counseling and I really feel if the connection with a good counselor is there the benefits are quiet impactful, but I can also see the reality and I’m honestly not sure if I will continue going to counseling after medical school. 

see you on the other side,

from ken

[grootiez]

The Joys of Raising a Teenaged Groot- Chapter 43: Improvement

Rocket woke up early the next day and arrived at the nursing home. Azrik successfully got Groot up and ready for the day. As soon as Rocket exited the elevator on Groot’s floor, Azrik could be seen pushing Groot in his wheelchair, which was tilted to make him more comfortable, out of the transitional housing unit and over to Rocket.

“Hey, Groot!” Rocket greeted his son as they approached the raccoon at the elevator. Groot was happy to see his dad and squealed in delight. “Where are you off to today?”

“Well, Groot has to go for his checkup today.” Azrik reminded Rocket as he pushed Groot closer to the elevator so that he could press the button to go down. “You can come along too if you want.”

“Of course.” Rocket replied as the elevator arrived and they went in. “Groot’s my son. I’d do anything for him.” The doors then closed and Azrik pushed Groot over to the inside panel so that he could push the button to the first floor.

After they reached the first floor, Azrik left Groot and Rocket near one of the many sitting areas in the lobby so that he could get the keys to the nursing home’s only accessible van. But he returned empty-handed.

“Where’s the keys?” Rocket asked.

“I’m sorry, but the van is currently out of service. It has an oil leak.” Azrik answered. “But I was able to call for a taxi that an accessible vehicle that we can take Groot in. It should be here in five minutes.” He added as they went outside to wait for the taxi.

Five minutes later, the taxi did come. The driver greeted them before opening up the side door and deploying a lift so that Groot could get on. Azrik backed Groot’s chair onto the lift and applied the brake. The driver then got out a remote control and made the lift go up until it was level with the floor of the van. Azrik then undid the brake to Groot’s wheelchair and the taxi driver positioned Groot in the space in the van that was cleared out for his chair. The driver reapplied the brake when Groot’s chair was situated correctly and he attached the restraints to the tie-down points that were built in to Groot’s chair. He tested the tautness of the straps by gently shaking the sides of Groot’s chair and tightening them until there was no give.

It was time to get Groot buckled into the van. He didn’t like the shoulder and lap seat belts that he had to wear in addition to all of the other buckles already on him, but with some coaxing from Rocket, Groot calmed down and allowed himself to be buckled in.

After a fifteen minute drive, they arrived at the emergency care facility. The taxi driver got Groot unbuckled and out of the van. Azrik then paid for the ride and he and Rocket brought Groot inside to the waiting room and signed him in for his appointment. They only had to wait five minutes before they were called back and escorted to an exam room.

“Hey, guys.” Cre’Nok greeted them warmly. He then looked at Groot who squeaked as he tried to wave his hand. “Hi, Groot.” He was pleased with how Groot looked compared to the last time he saw him. “Groot’s looking good. How long has he been out of the stretcher and in his wheelchair?”

“He started therapy the day after he came back to the nursing home and his therapists saw that he was doing so well with his exercises that they decided to reward him and he wanted to go on the swing that was in the room. They weren’t so sure that he could do it because he can’t sit up by himself without support, but they used some foam bolsters that we had laying around to help Groot sit up in the swing. We then saw that he showed no discomfort while sitting up and decided that he was ready for his chair.”

“We’re surprised by the improvement that he’s made since the last time we saw him.” Xalani stated as she took off Groot’s lap tray and undid his arm and foot straps. She then moved the footrests out of the way so that Groot’s legs were suspended.

“Yeah, who knows? Maybe Groot’ll be on the verge of walking by his next appointment.” Cre’Nok added as he stretches Groot’s arms and legs while he was still seated in his wheelchair. “His muscle tone has increased significantly and he has better control.”

Groot was starting to get bored and lets it be known by screeching. He didn’t like to be kept waiting and wanted to get this appointment done as fast as possible and go back to the nursing home.

“Alright, alright, Groot.” Cre’Nok said as Groot quieted down. “We’ll get started.”

“Hey, Groot.” Azrik caught Groot’s attention as Rocket grabbed the handlebars of Groot’s chair that was set to his height so that he could push his son. “How about you show Cre’Nok and Xalani what else you can do.”

Groot’s attitude changes as he lets out a more content squeak before he moved his eyes to activate his talker. “I can talk to everyone now.” He then looked at Rocket and Azrik as Xalani got his feet back into the footrests and strapped them down.

“Is he okay without the lap tray?” Xalani asks Azrik as he nodded. She then placed the tray in a corner. “Does he need his arms strapped down?”

“Not necessarily.��� Azrik answered. “He’s much happier when he can move his arms without them being tied down. We only use the straps for when he’s being moved long distances so that his arms don’t get caught in the wheels.” He added as Xalani placed her hands on the handlebars of Groot’s chair as Cre’Nok opened the door for her.

“Where are you taking Groot?” a concerned Rocket asked as he stod up from his seat.

“Since Groot is no longer confined to a stretcher, we don’t need to weigh him in the sling anymore and can get his weight while he’s seated in his wheelchair.” Cre’Nok told Rocket as they walked down the hallway.

“But how are you gonna weigh Groot if he can’t stand up on his own?” Rocket questioned as they arrived at a small room and Azrik opened the door.

Inside the small room there was a couple of chairs up against one wall, while there was a desk with a small desktop computer set up against another wall. The wall opposite that one had a height chart hanging in the middle of it with a standing device set to the side should the patient be unable to stand on their own. In the middle of the room was a scale that had a small ramp and a platform large enough to accommodate a wheelchair.

“Okay, Groot.” Xalani tries to rouse Groot from his tiredness with no success. “We need to get your height and weight.” Groot groaned in response. “I know, but it’ll only take five minutes and then the rest of your appointment is easy.” She then turned to Azrik. “Has his therapists worked with him on standing up?”

“No, not yet.” Azrik replied. “His therapists just got him started on a new program and he is still on step one.”

“That’s okay.” Cre’Nok said as he got out a cloth tape measure. “We can get Groot’s height this way too.” He measured Groot’s height and saw that he was still six feet tall.

“Alright, Groot, now it’s time for the next part.” Xalani nodded as she brought over a portable patient lift that was next to the standing device and began to unbuckle Groot from his chair. “But he will need to be in the sling for a minute so that we can weigh his wheelchair separately so that we can subtract that number from the total number so that we can get Groot’s official weight.” She explained as she got Groot into the sling and lifted him up. Once he was securely in the sling and out of his wheelchair, Xalani moved his chair up onto the scale and recorded the weight. “100 pounds.” She read from the display as she brought Groot’s chair underneath him and carefully lowered the sling that the teenager was in until Groot was back in his chair and buckled in. Xalani then pushed Groot up onto the platform of the scale. It took a couple of seconds to record his weight, but it came up on the display. “225 pounds, total. So that would mean that Groot now weighs 125 pounds.”

This pleased Rocket. Groot was continuing to regain the weight that he had lost. “Does, does this mean that he can have his feeding tube out today?” The raccoon asked eagerly.

“No, Rocket.” Cre’Nok answered as he placed a hand on the raccoon’s shoulder. “We want Groot to be at 150 pounds before we remove his tube. But by the Groot steadily regaining the weight like he has, he might be eligible for it to be removed by his next checkup. But not today, sadly.” He explained as they took Groot to one of the ultrasound rooms.

Once Azrik and Cre’Nok got Groot out of his chair and onto the table, Xalani brought over the ultrasound machine and began to press the wand against Groot’s belly.

Xalani, Cre’Nok, and Azrik were amazed by what they saw on the screen. They turn the screen around so Rocket could get a better look.

Rocket was perplexed by what he was looking at. “What is this?” He questioned.

“Groot’s stomach has stopped consuming the organs around it and has been only consuming the formula that he gets through his feeding tube.” Cre’Nok explained. “That’s why he’s so upbeat today. He is getting the nutrients back so that he can get the energy that he needs instead of his stomach consuming everything around it and making him so underweight and malnourished. Look even the color in his eyes and skin is starting to return.”

Rocket then looked at his son. Groot’s skin was starting to turn to a healthy tone and the bark wasn’t so brittle and delicate. Rocket couldn’t even see or feel every single bone in Groot’s body and the teenager didn’t look like he was a skeleton.

When they were finished with ultrasounding Groot’s stomach, they got him back into his wheelchair and took him down to the X-Ray room to get a look at his neck and his head. After they laid him on the table, Groot started to get a little bit scared.

“Groot, buddy.” Rocket rushed to Groot’s side in order to comfort him. “Do you want me in here with you?” Groot squeaked his approval in response as Xalani handed the raccoon the all-too-familiar child-size rocket ship lead vest that protected him from the radiation that the machine gave off.

“Groot, I have a surprise for you too!” Xalani cheerfully told the teenager as she placed a larger lead vest over top of him. It had the same rocket ship design on it. “There! Now you two are matching!” She declared as she placed an empty film in the machine before she left the room to take the X-Ray.

Groot then reached up and pointed at his father’s chest. “I know, Groot.” Rocket said as he gently stroked Groot’s cheek before he held his son’s hand and gently placed it back down by his side.

Groot then grunted and repeated the motion, tapping harder on the vest that his father wore before tapping on his own vest.

Rocket then realized what Groot is trying to say to him. “My, my name, Groot?” Rocket knelt down to his son as he held his hand. “You want to hear the story about how I got my name?”

Rocket told Groot of how he was bestowed his name by the Original Groot shortly after they escaped Halfworld once before when the teenager was a toddler, but since Groot’s accident, he probably lost the memory of how the story went, but Rocket didn’t mind telling it to him again. Rocket watched as Groot’s expressions changed as he told the story to his son.

After Groot’s X-Rays we’re finished, he was taken down to the scanning room to see how much his skull had healed. Groot wasn’t frightened as he was placed on the table and brought into the scanner, which made the process the fastest yet.

Azrik, Xalani, and Cre’Nok went into a room as soon as the scans were in to discuss what was next for Groot. As Rocket was left alone with Groot, the father talked to his son.

“Hey, Groot?” Rocket softly spoke to the teenager as Groot acknowledged him by squeaking. “No matter what happens, I’m proud of you and I love you, son.” He told Groot as he placed a hand on the teen’s cheek before he kissed his son on the forehead.

The door opened and in walked Cre’Nok, Azrik, and Xalani. They were carrying Groot’s results from his X-Rays and brain scan. Rocket looked at their faces to see if the news was good for Groot. They smiled at him.

“Rocket, we have good news for Groot.” Azrik said as Groot was more alert. “He no longer needs to wear the neck brace and he’s going to get the halo around his head removed today.”

Rocket didn’t know what to say as he just stood there by his son as Groot cheered with happiness. “How-. How soon can this happen?” Was all that he could say.

“There is a procedure room available right now, but it’ll be unavailable soon if we don’t move fast. Meaning Groot would have to go in by himself and we can’t sedate him out here because of the time constraint.” Cre’Nok informed Rocket. “Otherwise, we would have to wait until tonight and Groot would have to spend the night here.”

Rocket thought about it for a moment. “Alright. If you can get him in right now, then do it.” He agreed as he turned to his son. “Groot, I’ll be up to see you when you’re all done.”

Groot tried to wave to his father as Xalani got behind him and began to push him down to the preparation room that adjoined the procedure room in order to get him ready as Cre’Nok and Azrik followed suit and Rocket walked to the waiting room.——————————————————————————————————

Read on Ao3.——————————————————————————————————

@trashpandaorigins @madness-on-the-milano @mattchewystuff @sesshouki @rr4901 @thejollymilano @janetgenea @netbug009 @whoop-whoop-grocket @woozletania @canuckscot @captain---rabbit @i-sudoku @pineapple-crow @vic394——————————————————————————————————

[criticalhour]

Rebranding Matriarchy.

In my worst moments of my mothering journey, I would still have the perspective that my experiences meant more than simply the distress of the moment…that, hopefully, it all means something bigger than trauma and I would survive to tell my story as a lesson. And here I am, reflecting in a blog as part of my crouching therapy to give myself up to find myself again.

In 2017, I had a mental health break down. My whole family individually experienced a tsunami of physical and mental health crises that caused economic crises that shook the fabric of our immigrant Nigerian-American family system. As a Black African first-generation Washingtonian, I knew my dual sex roles was to save my family to be a champion for my disabled and aging family members and my duty as the mother of my sons, who would both be identified as autistic back in 2015. By 2017, my oldest son was 7 years old, and was transitioning out of a rocky and carceral early childhood system and was now heading to upper elementary, where he would begin to be seen as a behavioral problem.

By 2017, I realized that I couldn’t participate in the hyper masculinized ambitions that I aspire to as a newly minted doctor of political science (earned May 4th 2015, celebrated my 3 yr old son’s 3 birthday on May 5th, and started working for Mayor on May 6th). I opted out of academia and into civil service as an appointee in the first term of second Black woman Mayor of Washington, DC. Well, in 2017, I had to face the hardest truth that I had to choose between my job and my children.

I opted out of the workforce and so my only job was to figure out how to get my family out of crisis. At times in those days, it seemed so farfetched an idea that I would tell the stories of my experiences spiraling down and allow myself to believe that my knowledge as political scientist would apply as my own lived experiences would be the data collected to analyze the politic of me - the generationally cursed Black matriarch and the earned disrepute used to banish myself and my children, and anyone under my care, to perpetual poverty.

Sometimes, analyzing my own experiences navigating through the systems of care and the necessary study of politics and system functions to interpret what I experience would be the only motivation to not just fall apart and melt into the wobbly seats in the wait-room of underfunded innumerable lobbies of whichever social service agency I gave days-worth of productive labor.

There was no market value for my experiences, I already knew this – having spent years of doctoral study, unpacking the concept of the nanny state and its impact on the value of women in western society. Yet, my reality was a real nightmare that no amount of study could prepare me for. I learned to get on the balcony, observe myself and others, and take action for survival and to improve the quality of life for not just myself, my children or my family. It became my raison d’etre.

I think what else kept me going is that I stayed active in civic and social engagement. I would spend a day’s worth of testifying and sharing my stories to anyone that Worku’s listen - exposing my worst living conditions to a burned-out social worker or intake officer or their supervisor (if the interaction got belligerent) and then spend the rest of the week sitting at meetings with their agency heads or in trainings led by advocates teaching about the mechanics of the policies that governed these interactions – reminding me that things did not have to be this way.

I wouldn’t call my story a victory, yet. Rather, I think, it’s as Langston Hughes describes in the poem Harlem: crust and sugar over – like a syrup sweet…and some days, it just sags like a heavy load. Explode. Still, I have my rough days. Now, it’s mostly PTSD panic attacks and depressive episodes that I see a therapist to help me unpack.

And so, life makes more sense now, yet it hasn’t gotten easier because, fundamentally, not much has changed – perhaps, with the exception of my knowledge of how to navigate the systems of care. I’ve often felt in many spaces that I once studied, and now lead as a thought partner with other leaders of all walks of life, that the real controversy is not in the dysfunctions of the systems; rather it’s in the expectation that the most viable solution is in one’s ability to be resilient. 

Telling this story. My story. It was actually an afterthought, possibly even an error. The original intent was to tell the stories of the numerous other families I’ve had the pleasure to support, and the honor to be supported by. Those of us who gather – flocking like birds in uncoordinated desperation, gliding between public policy spaces, doctor’s offices and school playgrounds, gasping for air with words and, when exhausted, with gestures, of: “They don’t know this life.”

I still think it’s important to document these stories of unsung matriarchs. I simply pivoted when I came to the realization that it would be inauthentic to embark on a journey to ask others to vulnerably share the most personal parts of their lives for social and political value. After all, I am not an outsider of this experience. I live it, even when it is most uncomfortable. I have shared in the community of neurodiverse mothers showing up for their families and partnering with other family and community leaders to co-create a world we’d be proud to leave our descendants.

I feel most protective of us – collaborators and midwives ushering others through the many types of underground railroads to save our families with community care, mutual aid, and deep love. It is my duty to begin telling our story in the first person.

[enby-healthblr]

I was ready to start ragging on myself about the things I haven't been doing. I sat down to type up a big long list of things I need to change.

But honestly? I've been doing that for years and I hadn't gotten me the results I want. I've been able to make temporary changes, but a lot of them didn't stick.

That's not what I want. I want to live a healthy life. I want to feel good about myself and about what is in my life. I've been so focused on what I don't have that I haven't seen everything I've been blessed with.

Seriously, I have so much.

I have a partner who loves me and cares about me. I know he would do anything for me.

He has a great job which gives me the space I need to take care of myself. I don't have to put myself into a job that would compromise my mental health just to pay living expenses.

I have easy access to a great treatment team. They're dedicated to helping me improve and be as healthy as possible.

I have the most amazing therapist I think I have ever had. I can tell that she genuinely cares about me and has specialized training that applies to the situation I'm in and the specific things I need help with.

I have amazing in laws who support me and want me to be happy. They would do anything for me, even though I'm not technically their child.

I live in a great part of town with easy access to the grocery store and transportation.

I have an incredible network of friends who also want me to be happy. They all accept me for who I am, and not for who they want me to be. All of them embrace my gender and ask how they can help me as I transition.

I may not have much in the way of money, but I have more love and affection than I know what to do with. I have the type of support and care that many people spend their entire lives searching for and never quite find. The type that people who have money would give up everything to have. I think sometimes I forget that and focus on where I'm not. I focus on all of the things I'm doing wrong and how I'm failing.

But really, I've done so much. I have so much more than I could ever measure and I'm honestly floored by it.

[pacificpikachu]

Just a general, what’s going on in my life post~

- I think the biggest thing going on is that I obtained two exotic pheasants, one of which is a fairly rare species to come across in captivity. (They’re a himalayan monal and a golden pheasant.) A lady in Sacramento had them in a small-ish pen and, because I’ve been obsessed with monals for years and I’ve done a fair bit of research about all sorts of pheasants, I couldn’t resist reaching out and asking about them. I brought them home over the weekend. They’re skittish and I think the transition is stressful for them, but for now I have them in their own quiet, sheltered pen with a place to hide. I eventually want to integrate them in with my other birds, but I’m uncertain if they’ll be able to fit in or not. If not, I’ll be working on other ideas for housing them.

I really want them to be happy and have a good life. They’re exotics, not typically kept as pets, so I’m just trying to do the best I can for them and gradually getting them used to my presence. They’re gorgeous, but their feathers are somewhat beat up right now from all the moving around, so I’m debating whether I want to take pics soon or wait a bit and see if their feather condition improves once they’re more settled. I feel honored to have them, and I hope I can give them what they need.

- I finished Aggretsuko the other day and really enjoyed it! I had seen some of the shorts before so I thought I would like it, but I enjoyed it even more than I expected. The characters are a lot of fun. I was especially happy that it has a secretary bird in it (as a secretary, no less), as they’re one of my unusual favorite bird species. I particularly loved the three main characters and Washimi and Gori. I hope there’ll be more seasons eventually!

- I guess it’s been over a month now, but I also finished Sora Yori mo Tooi Basho/A Place Further than the Universe, which was such a wonderful watch. I highly recommend it!

- I’m still trying to figure out what to do with myself career-wise. This cool castle-like house that I pass on the way to work went up for sale, and while I’m far from being able to afford a house (haven’t even started saving, with my income level...), and much less this one, I looked at the listings for it dreamily and that again got me thinking about how much I want to buy my own house and property. I would like to be able to do that in the next 5-10 years, if possible. I’m going to see a career counselor soon and I hope that’ll get me moving in the right direction. I was also going to a therapist for a while and that was definitely helpful, though I stopped for now because I have a limited number of visits with this particular one (and I want to save two sessions for if I hit a rough patch or things get more challenging--right now life feels fairly good).

- Fanime’s coming up in a few weeks and I’m excited! Fanime is always a wonderful time. I’m especially looking forward to seeing Joe Hisaishi conducting an orchestra--what a dream come true! Despite loving Ghibli movies, there are some I haven’t seen--particularly some of the more recent ones--so I’m going to try to catch up on them over the next few weeks. I also have an abundance of other anime I want to watch, but, well, I’ll watch whatever I get around to I guess, haha. It’s also time to start thinking about Anime Expo, though it’s still a ways off.

- Several of my friends are also going to be around more over the summer, so that’s something to look forward to! I’ve been watching anime just about every week with two of my friends, sharing some of my favorite series with them, and that’s been great! I look forward to what summer brings. I’m not a fan of the hot weather, but I love spending time with friends and going to the river all the time.

- Aaand I’m continuing to actively study kanji and obsess on HxH, both of which are staples of my life right now.

I hope you’re all doing well! I’ve sparsely been making any sort of personal or original post to Tumblr (I’ve been a little better about that on Twitter, but still not super active there), but I try to leave comments here and there on peoples’ posts when I see them. I want to talk and interact more here, but I feel like there’s so much I want to do that it’s hard to fit it all in. Anyway, best wishes to everyone reading this. :D

[rubyingranite-blog]

“Most of what is considered #impossible is just a consensus of outdated beliefs.” #BernieSiegel

Reversing #MultipleSclerosis

Dr. #TerryWahls is the creator of the #WahlsProtocol, one of the healing diets featured on this website. She agreed to an interview with me, to share the details of her inspiring story.

Like many of us, Terry can look back and see early signs of her #autoimmune condition, before she knew the cause. As far back as 1982, she experienced occasional face pain and vision trouble, but she was young and strong, so didn’t spend much time worrying about it. She was a #Taekwondo champion in college, went on to complete medical school, got married and had a family. In the 1990’s her strength began to decline and she fatigued more easily, and although she found it frustrating, she chalked it up to age. It wasn’t until 2000, when she developed foot drop and began stumbling, that her wife Jackie insisted she go to the doctor, where she was officially diagnosed with #multiplesclerosis.

She saw experts in the field and followed the advice of her #doctors, taking both #chemotherapy and #immunosuppressant drugs, and still her disease progressed. Within 3 years, she needed 2 canes to walk short distances, became dependent on a tilt-recline wheelchair, and began to fear that she would eventually become bedridden. Her disease had transitioned to secondary progressive MS, the form in which people no longer experience #remission and instead experience gradual progressive worsening of #disability.

That’s when she began her own research. She tried the #PaleoDiet in 2002, and it slowed the progression of her disease, but didn’t reverse it. She then learned of #supplements that might benefit her condition, and they slowed the progression as well, but didn’t halt it. At this point, she wasn’t expecting reversal. Doctors have been taught that the abilities lost to #MS can’t be regained. Her hope was simply to stop her decline.

For years, she scoured the scientific literature, looking for answers. She started focusing on the #mitochondria, the #powerhouses of our cells, which convert food into #energy and help #detoxify the body. She came to believe that they were a key component in chronic disease. She isolated a group of 31 #micronutrients to feed both the mitochondria and our #brain cells and discovered which foods provide those #nutrients. From that research, she developed a diet which includes #9cups of #vegetables daily (a combination of #greens, #sulfur-rich, and #colorful) to meet those micronutrient needs. “That’s when the #magic started to happen,” Terry said. In 2007, she began a protocol which included this diet, along with a physical therapy program of exercise and neuromuscular electrical stimulation.

What happened shocked everyone: herself, her family, and her medical team. She started to improve, to regain her abilities. One year later, she no longer needed the #wheelchair and was able to ride a bike again. You may have seen the video of her #TEDtalk, which went #viral a year ago. Our interview delves into the details. She shares more about her personal journey, her research, and the diet itself:

Our Interview:

It’s been a couple of years since you did the TED Talk. Has your health continued to improve?

It certainly has. My friends, physician and family all tell me that I am #youthening: that I look younger and younger every year. This matches what I see in my clinic, as well. I’m sure I will begin to age again eventually, but as I reverse my condition, the premature aging that came with it reverses as well.

I continue to #bike, both to and from work, and also do trips with my family. I can bike 5 miles easily. If I want to go on longer rides with my family, I use a hybrid bike with a motor to augment pedaling, so I can easily maintain the same tempo as them. This gives me great joy, because that’s the kind of stuff I could do with my family when my kids were young. Now, I can do it again. I can also cross-country ski short distances, swim, and take short strolls.

Are you 100% cured, or do you still have MS #symptoms?

I think it’s important to convey that this is a #lifestyle change; it’s not instantaneous. It takes a long time for your body to repair damage that took 35 years to develop. It might take 10 years to heal that.

In the morning, my gait looks perfectly normal, but by the afternoon a #physicaltherapist could tell that my right leg is stronger than my left. I’m not sure that a layperson would be able to perceive that difference. I’m OK doing a mile stroll, but I get tired beyond that and at two miles, I have to sit down. I can lecture one hour fine, but get tired if I lecture two hours. My stamina is incrementally improving, but I’m certainly not yet at the equivalent stamina of another 57 year old in good health. These whole five years, I’ve worked with a physical therapist who I continue to see, and they keep advancing my exercise program, so I’m gaining both strength and endurance.

As your MS improved, did other areas of your health improve as well?

Yes, I had some asthma, so if I got any viral activity, I was likely to have an asthma flare which would require both steroids and a nebulizer. Since changing my diet, I have absolutely no need for asthma treatment.

Is it hard for you to stay on the #diet?

#Travel is the hardest for me, because it’s difficult to have access to the food I need. I scope out #restaurants in advance and bring a lot of my food with me. However, several months ago, I consumed food at restaurant that I didn’t know had gluten and dairy in it. 48 hours later, I was incapacitated with face pain. That really is quite horrific. That makes it very easy to stay #motivated and stay on the diet.

I observe that about one-third of the folks with MS are more likely to have an acute reaction to problem foods. 

***But the other two-thirds will slowly dwindle over the weeks that they reintroduce the bad food.*** 

For this second group, it’s much harder to stay as pure on the diet as I do. 

My consequence is so unpleasant for me and my family, that there is no one in my family saying, “Here, you can have just a little of this.” They’re all label readers now.

Speaking of your family, were they supportive of your diet from day one, or did they take time to get on board?

On day one, my family took all the stuff out of the house that wasn’t compliant for me, but they ate what they wanted when they were out of the house. After a while, I tested them for food allergies and showed them the results. My wife is gluten-free and dairy-free, but not grain-free. However, she’s very active and healthy, and can tolerate the carbohydrates well. My children both feel better when they’re on the diet. My son’s allergies and asthma went away, and my daughter’s migraines and struggles with moods went away. Now that they’re both grown and out of the house, they’re learning how to stay on the diet away from home. My son travels as a speaker, and my daughter is at college. They have both experienced a return of their symptoms when they’ve gone off the diet, so they know the power that food has.

Are you on any prescriptions any more?

No drugs that modify disease activity. Nothing that would impact my immune system in any way. However, pain is a symptom for MS. I used to be on very large doses of #gabapentin and #amitriptyline for #pain and would still end up in the emergency room twice a year, with unbearable pain. Now I only take very small doses of gabapentin, and occasionally #baclofen, if I’ve had a very active day.

I would love to hear more about your #meditation practice:

When I was an undergrad, I learned #TranscendentalMeditation and did that all through college. I stopped during med school. Then I was diagnosed with MS in 2000. In retrospect, it’s quite interesting that I didn’t resume meditation then, because I intellectually knew that stress is part of what contributes to disease worsening. Now I teach mantra-based meditation as part of the #WahlsProtocol. I also do #HeartMath, which is a form of #biofeedback; it’s really a form of meditation as well. My goal personally is to do both every day; occasionally I’ll miss a day.

Tell us how you incorporate your protocol in your medical practice and your research study:

My clinical style is to teach the building blocks you need to do the chemistry of life successfully.  In my medical practice, I give them #thewhys, we negotiate and they decide. If your family can’t live with what you’re proposing, it’s much harder for you to be successful. That’s why I offer a spectrum of options and depending on your health and your family’s commitment, you decide where you end up on the spectrum to start, and how rapidly you want to progress. I’d rather have everyone on the same page, and that’s the point you start from.

In the research study, however, participants need to be 100% #compliant on the full protocol. I give them two weeks to try it, before they commit to being part of the one-year clinical trial. The study is in its early stages, but we are seeing significant reductions in fatigue, as well as improvement in gait.

Talk about phase 4 of your protocol: Getting evaluated for potential food allergies, toxic load issues and more personalized nutritional needs by a practitioner of functional medicine.

If the diet doesn’t work, you need to personalize it for you. Everyone is unique. We’re an overlaying of swiss cheeses, and our holes need to line up perfectly for autoimmunity to get triggered. A functional medicine practitioner can help you identify your holes. For some people, lead poisoning might be a primary driver, or there may be a co-infection of Hep C, or a genetic vulnerability that affects your B vitamin pathways. There are infinite possibilities. The vast majority of folks will experience some level of improvement on the #WahlsProtocol, but there will be some that feel they haven’t been helped. Those people will likely need to tease out the complicated factors unique to their situation by seeing a doctor trained in functional medicine, to do an evaluation and devise a personalized protocol in order to heal.

Is this a lifetime or temporary diet?

Lifetime. If people fall off the diet, they get worse. It doesn’t matter the reason you’re doing the diet: MS, Parkinson’s, Bipolar Disorder, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure. The diet can improve all of these conditions, but you need to stay on it, for it to be effective.

It’s human nature that when you start to get better, you’re tempted to slack off. I did it, too.  I kept wanting to have treats like pecan pie with my son; it never worked out. After experiencing the consequences a number of times, I stopped being tempted.

Each person can calculate how compliant they need to be for the amount of symptoms they’re willing to live with. Different people make different choices.

Finishing thoughts?

I think diets are very artificial. The closer we can get to thinking of it as lifestyle, and graze at will within allowed food groups, the more successful people will be. What I bring to the table, to the hunter-gatherer movement, is to take the principles of what foods were available prior to agriculture, add in the science of micronutrients that the brain and mitochondria need, and help people structure a way to get those nutrients from the food we have available day to day. The Standard American Diet revs up 65 genes that drive chronic disease through inflammation. The Wahls Diet turns on 72 genes that downregulate inflammation. Our DNA isn’t the problem. It is our epigenetics – those influences, like diet, that turn our genes on or off.  We have power over our diet and therefore our disease.

Terry and her supportive family (Jackie, Zach, Zebby and Terry):

Wahls Protocol Series

For more information on the Wahls Protocol, check out my series of articles and interviews.

[healthandhealingtherapy]

Therapist Spotlight: Colleen Koncilja LCSW

We at Health and Healing Therapy want to give you the opportunity to get to know our therapists, what their clients struggle with, how they help, and who they are. We believe that connection and comfort with your therapist is vital to growth and healing, so we hope that knowing more about us can put you to ease and assist you in making a decision about whether we are the right therapy practice for you. To do so, we have interviewed each of our therapists about themselves, their careers, and their thoughts around therapy.

Colleen Koncilja is in the spotlight sharing her beliefs about the importance of therapy, her approach to facilitating a session, and some of the most rewarding and difficult parts of being a therapist.

Why do you think it’s important for people to participate in therapy?

I think it’s important for people to have a safe space to talk about the things that are difficult to talk about. Often, people may not share certain things with friends and family because they fear being judged, criticized, misunderstood, or that they will get unhelpful advice. Sometimes there are things we feel hesitant to talk about and we fear embarrassment and shame. In therapy, people don’t need to worry about being judged or criticized or told what to do. Rather, it’s a relationship that is supportive and accepting which allows people to be open and honest about some often very tough things.

I think therapy can help people build certain skills they were never taught or help them to hone in on some skills that are out of practice. Many people don’t know how to help themselves in situations of stress and anxiety because they were never taught or modeled effective ways to cope. That is one of the things I hope to teach people in therapy.

Sometimes people grow up in families where they were never taught how to work through feelings that are difficult to feel, how to communicate their needs or how to handle conflict effectively. They don’t know how because those behaviors were never modeled. So, my hope is that the therapy relationship and process is a place where people can learn new skills that will help them be able to have better relationships and the life that they want. Therapy can be very helpful for people because they may be going through a stressful time, or some of the coping skills they’ve used successfully in the past aren’t working right now. Sometimes we need to learn to cope differently or learn how to handle a new situation in a different way. Whether someone is struggling through grief and loss, a recent trauma, a life transition, or anxiety or depression – therapy can help people find the solutions they need to help them live their best life.

What does a therapy session with you look like?

Most sessions start off with the person checking in and letting me know how the past week has been for them. Some people who I meet with have specific things they want to talk about or work on, while other people are continuing to work through consistent and ongoing issues that are in forefront in their life. Some of our time together is spent on learning and developing new skills to use in your everyday life. Those skills could be ones like working on relaxation, doing mindfulness skills, decision-making skills, actionable step planning, or examining the dissonance you have over a certain situation: on one hand you feel this way, and on another you feel that way, and working through that internal conflict. Other times, the session may be a place to talk about things that are really overwhelming or painful to the person. This is an important part of therapy for many people because they may not be able to talk about the same feelings and thoughts with other people in their life. So, each session can vary from person to person and from week to week. That is how therapy is individualized, and I try to assess what is most helpful and beneficial for the person I am working with in that particular session.

My style is pretty calm, real, and encouraging, and I tend to mix in some humor when appropriate as it can also be healing. I think it’s important for people to reflect back on their progress a lot, so we tend to do that regarding how much someone has grown, or about how something used to be more difficult than it is now, just to recognize the ability they have to make the changes that they want. Ultimately, every session is really different depending on who the person is or what they’re working through.

What is the best advice you’ve given in a therapy session?

There are common things I tend to encourage people to reflect on. I often help people examine their decisions, beliefs, choices, and behaviors by asking – “is that helpful, or is it harmful? How is that working for you?” I really focus on determining if their beliefs, reactions, and choices are improving their quality of life or somehow making it more difficult. I also encourage the mentality that you need to teach people how to treat you and that others need to teach you how to treat them. I think this is important in relationships because none of us have a crystal ball or know how best to care for someone else, so we need to learn how to do so.

Additionally, I offer a lot of education and normalizing of the experiences that people go through. People often think they’re the only person certain things happened to or the only one who thinks, believes, reacts, or acts like that. It’s important that people realize they are ok and they are not alone, so I do a lot of education on common experiences we all have. Oftentimes this is very relieving to people because they had always believed and often felt embarrassed and/or ashamed thinking they were the only person who thought, felt, feared, or experienced something. Normalizing the difficulties we all go through is very healing. Firmly knowing that there is nothing wrong with us, we aren’t the only ones, and we aren’t alone, is one of the most encouraging, helpful, and calming interventions I provide.

What is one of the hardest parts of being a therapist?

Probably the hardest part is seeing bad things happen to good people, along with the difficulty of not fully understanding why some people experience deep trauma, pain, devastation, and hardship in their lives. I always want the people I work with to feel better, to have hope, and to believe they will get through the difficulty they are experiencing.

Not having the understanding or answers as to why bad things happen, and then realizing how devastating that is for people and wanting to help while feeling limited in how much I can help can be difficult. I can’t change what people have experienced nor erase people’s pain, but I can help to ease it.

Being a therapist as long as I have, I think I’ve learned how to manage that over time. In the beginning, it was a lot harder than it is now. I focus on people’s inner strengths, on the hopefulness I have for them, and on knowing that often people can get through very difficult things and heal in a different way than they thought was possible. So, I hold onto that hope and onto the belief in people’s resilience and strength to get to the other side of adversity. In addition, I focus on how I’ve seen through the years that even though painful things happen to people, sometimes out of those painful experiences there can be a lot of good as well.

What do you like the most about being a therapist?

I like being able to help people realize that they can change, that they’re not alone, and that they can learn how to handle tough situations differently in ways that are more helpful for themselves. I like being able to be a safe person for people, being able to encourage them to be their best self, and being able to see a lot of people who have gone through adversity work through that pain and trauma and get to the other side.

What are common challenges that your clients face? What is an area or are areas of specialty you have?

I have several specialties as I have done extensive postgraduate clinical training in many different areas. I work with a lot of people who experience anxiety, depression, chronic illness and/or pain, as well as with people who have relationship attachment difficulties, self-esteem issues, and have experienced trauma in their younger years. In addition, I work with people who have problem gambling issues as well as with their family members.

What do you want/is your hope for your clients?

I want them to work through whatever is holding them back, challenging them, or making life painful so that they can move forward, grow, heal, and thrive. I want them to see themselves as the unique person they are while growing in their acceptance, care, and love for themselves.

What do clients say about working with you?

I think they’d say that I’m easy to talk to, that I have a good sense of humor, and that I’m very accepting, non-judgmental, trustworthy, and not easily shaken. I think a lot of them would say that I “get them,” that I can put their experience into words which helps them feel understood. Other clients would say that I help make them feel less alone, more “normal,” “less crazy,” and okay. Overall, many would say I know what I’m doing, how to help, and that they receive the help and support they were looking for.

Click here to schedule an appointment with Collen.