#my therapist also said that people who grieve are like emotionally all over the place everywhere

[swampndn]

Lol y'all know I'm STRUGGLIN when my therapist suggests a support group, and my knee-jerk reaction was "that sounds nice. I'm interested in that."

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

people's reaction to max's death head canons

the person who requested the xander death head canons requested i do this for all of the other characters so here is max. this one is gonna be shorter bc we didn't see much of max and her interactions with the other brothers but i still wanted to make it cause i love her (also, because its shorter, it takes less time (which is smth i didn't have today)).

avery: obviously would be devastated. she just lost the person who knows her best. i think she'd read her favorite books just to feel closer to her. she'd remember all of the times she ranted about those books and she didn't really listen to her. she'd regret not being there for her as much as she could've been. i think she'd also become lost. max has been there for her since she was a child. she was the only person there for her for nearly her entire life. losing that person, i think, would make her close herself off to other people. i think she'd send money to max's parents. she'd feel guilty for absolutely no reason and would send them money to help them through their grief. i think being in spotlight a lot would also affect her bc she'd have to put up this facade all the time. it would emotionally drain her and i think she'd consider ending her life. she'd get through it with jamie's help but it would be hard.

libby: i mentioned this in my libby's death hcs, but i think they got really close over the years. max and avery have known each other since childhood and i hc that, bc of this, max and her spent a lot of time together. libby would take them out on little outings whenever she could. i think she'd react the same way max reacted to her death. she'd go to all of the places she brought them to just to feel closer to her. she'd constantly be baking her favorite cupcakes and eating them while watching max's favorite rom-com or smth. i feel like she'd also try to be there for max's parents in some way? obviously they don't know each other that well, but i feel like she'd volunteer to sort of be their therapist. she'd let them talk to her about their grief and stuff.

xander: she's his girlfriend so of course he'd be crushed. i feel like max is one of the only people who actually gets him. they're so similar in the best ways possible and compliment each other (anyways, im ranting). i feel like the joy he felt in the lab creating things would disappear. his love for scones would disappear bc it would remind him of max. basically, everything he loves would become something painful for him. i feel like he wouldn't get out of bed. when xander loves someone, he really truly loves them (tobias, his brothers, etc). he'd do anything for them, and he gets attached over time. he'd try to tell everyone he's fine, and he'd be really convincing but everyone would know. they'd try to make him feel better by buying him supplies for his experiments but nothing would work. he'd just be numb. he'd be a shell of himself. he'd only talk to avery bc she would get it. they were both close to her. they'd cry in each other arms. he'd also be the one to help clean out her room and he'd keep her fav books.

jamie: he'd be sad and would definitely grieve but he wouldn't be incapacitated like avery. he'd try to help avery with her grief but would find that to be the hardest part. seeing her lose herself would physically pain him. some things would remind him of max. he'd see a book of hers or her favorite color and he'd think about her. he'd also visit her grave quite often cause he doesn't like the idea of the afterlife and thinks it would be lonely. also i think all of this depends on how long he's known her. his grief would obviously be worse if he'd known her for 10 years vs 2 when she died.

grayson: he wouldn't be all that affected by it (depends on when she died though. same thing i said about jamie applies here). he'd definitely be in touch with her parents making sure they're ok bc he cares about people a lot. he'd try to be there for xander and avery. hed book appointments with therapists for them that theyd never attend. hed visit her grave once in a while to make sure its clean bc he'd hate it if his grave was dirty.

nash: the worst part about losing max would be 'losing' xander and avery. it also obviously depends on how long he's known max. i think that if she were to die later in life, her death would affect him more. she'd sort of become a little sister to him bc of how much she reminds him of xander. he wouldn't leave the house anymore bc he wouldnt want to leave xander and avery alone. hed be attending to him and avery every second of the day.

ended up being longer than i thought it would be but still shorter. hope you enjoyed <3. i apologize for any spelling mistakes.

[whumpitgood]

HEAR ME OUT: I don't think Bobby is a terrible person who stole Sunset Curve's music to be selfish

I’ve seen Bobby/Trevor getting a lot of hate, but I don’t think he deserves it. The whole reason he is judged negatively is because when the boys found out about him making it big with their songs, they hated him for it. They assumed he did it out of a selfish desire to be rich and famous, so he took advantage of the situation, i.e., their deaths, and made a name for himself. This is the assumption they made, and it is what we, the audience, are expected to believe.

But let’s take a step back. What do we actually know about Bobby (I will refer to him as this from now on)? After the boys died, he basically disappeared and changed his name. Fast forward 25 years, and we see him as a rich musician who lives in a mansion with his daughter. He has a therapist. He does meditation. He also has a helicopter. That’s pretty much it, right?

Let’s break it down even further.

1) The members of Sunset Curve were his best friends. Basically brothers. They were serious about making a name for themselves and making it big. That means they had to have spent lots of time together, practicing music and just being friends. It is implied that Alex, Reggie, and Luke all had questionable home lives, meaning that they probably spent most of their time at Bobby’s and they probably spent a lot of time making music.

Luke ran away from home. It’s very likely that when he did, he went to live in their studio, which was most likely Bobby’s garage (since we know none of the other boys had lived in Julie’s house). Meaning Bobby saw Luke literally every day. They basically lived together. I’m sure Alex and Reggie also spent a lot of time there too to escape their parents. They were probably together all the time, including their school lives.

On the night they were supposed to make their dreams come true, Bobby stayed behind to flirt with Rose. Imagine Bobby chilling with Rose, only to be told by a cop or a random phone call to the Orpheum that your bandmates and best friends were dead? How would someone process that?

I’m sure he grieved. Maybe went to their funerals…it’s unclear since he was said to have disappeared, but the point is that it would have affected him greatly. In one night, he lost not one, but three people he was close to. He goes from seeing them all day every day to them being dead and gone in one evening. I doubt he could even go into the garage after that. There would be too many memories.

I like to think that he and Rose became close after that. She must have comforted him when he found out. It would have been hard for her, too, because she had just spoken to them. I’m sure they stayed in touch and helped each other through it, although it was probably Rose doing most of the consoling. Bobby didn’t have anyone left.

Because of this, it makes sense (assuming Rose is Julie’s mom) why Julie and Carrie were friends at one point in time and why Julie’s family was living in Bobby’s old house.

Keep in mind that for the boys, they simply died, and what felt like five minutes later was actually 25 years. It was nothing to them, but Bobby had to live through the aftermath of their deaths. He had to struggle and come to terms with the new reality that they were gone. For him, it wasn’t just a blink of the eye, it was years of dealing with trauma.

2) Bobby’s wife/girlfriend is never mentioned. Did she die? Did they break up or get divorced? Either way, he is raising his daughter by himself, as a single dad, as far as we know. The point is, if she died, that would further Bobby’s trauma. He was already dealing with probably some regret and survivor’s guilt over his friends’ deaths, so if she died, that would only make it worse. Like he couldn’t get close to anyone without them dying, especially considering that Rose died as well. Even if they just broke up, that still means that she left. It’s like no one will stay with him and he is destined to be alone.

Maybe that is why Carrie is the way she is. Her dad has been through a lot. It’s probably hard for him to function normally and connect with others. She may have been emotionally neglected growing up, meaning that now she will take any type of attention she can get, whether it be positive or negative. This is sort of implied with her song “All Eyes on Me”. She just wants to be noticed. So, yes, she has daddy issues. Bobby’s trauma affect’s his daughter.

3) It is mentioned that he has a therapist. When the boys go to haunt him, he runs off in his helicopter to go see his therapist. The scene is made to be funny and paint Bobby in a silly, almost negative way, but stop and think about it. HE HAS A THERAPIST. It may not be too unlikely that he experiences odd things, maybe hallucinations because of the trauma he’s been through. He also does mediation, probably to keep him calm and also deal with past trauma.

Remember, he lost his best friends suddenly, right before their big break. He must have survivor’s guilt. He was meant to go with them. He would have, if it hadn’t been for Rose. Rose then helps him through the difficult mess his life became in the aftermath, and then what happens? Rose dies. He lost her too, and who knows about Carrie’s mom. He’s got to be hurting. He’s probably got some PTSD, too. Nothing in his life has been easy, like they would have you believe. Sure, he’s famous and rich, but look at what he’s been through. I doubt he’s truly happy. Carrie isn’t, and she didn’t go through what he did.

Okay, that brings us back to him stealing their songs and making it big. Why would he do that if it wasn’t out of a selfish desire to be rich and famous?

Would he really want to be in the spotlight after he’d been through all that? Probably not. I think he was struggling with a lot. Trying to come to terms with everything. So why would he do it?

I had a thought as I mulled this over. If he and Rose were close, she would have stopped him from stealing from his bandmates, right? But she must not have, because he still did it. And she had their demo. She knew their music. She would’ve recognized the music and called him out on it, but she didn’t. Instead, she listened to his music with Julie.

Then I thought, what if she actually encouraged him to do it? Like, as a therapeutic way of relieving the guilt he felt. Like, maybe through making their music famous, he was almost giving them the life they didn’t get to have. They got to live through him. It probably made him feel closer and connected to them. It probably felt like he was doing them a favor.

But why not let the world know whose music it really was, that it was actually Sunset Curve? Why change his name?

Think about it. His career would no longer be a form of escape. He even changed his name so he couldn’t be tied to his past. He was anonymous. If everyone knew who he really was and where the music actually came from, his life would be filled with interviews about the past. Everyone would bring up what happened. He’d have to relieve that pain again and again. Maybe it’s selfish, but he was really trying to save himself that trauma, while still trying to let his bandmates’ memories live on.

And remember he didn’t take “Unsaid Emily”. He knew how much that song meant to Luke. He knew it wasn’t his place to perform that song. It was too personal and he respected that by leaving it alone.

I can only imagine how he felt as he sat in the Orpheum, where he’d been when he’d gotten the news about their deaths, and saw his old friends just as they’d been before, finally getting to experience that dream from all those years ago. Finally getting to rock out on that stage.

Maybe I’m wrong, but it makes sense to me. I hope season two touches on Bobby and his story. I doubt he’s as bad as they want us to think at this point. I hope he gets to communicate with them. He needs closure. They all need to resolve things. And while they’re at it, I hope Luke gets to resolve things with his mom. Here’s hoping for season 2.

EDIT: I'm not saying he's perfect or praising him or anything, I just think there is more to his story than we are aware of. I think he probably started out with good intentions, but he may not have stayed true to that over time, considering he took "My Name is Luke" and his helicopter has his face on it, if I remember correctly. Anyway, just putting that out there.

[buddiebeginz]

tw: child abuse/other references to abuse

Finally caught up to the current episodes of 911. I have a lot of thoughts on Buck and Maddie and their family situation from Buck Begins (and the episodes before it). From stuff I’ve seen around online I get the impression that most people loved Buck’s begin episode but it’s probably my least favorite of the show thus far along with Eddie’s ep. I love those characters but I don’t feel the show did their origin stories justice especially not when compared to the kinds of episodes the other characters had.

As for Buck’s story I was glad we were able to learn a lot of new information about his past, considering that was one of my big issues with Eddie’s ep that it felt like a lot of repetitive info we already knew. I’m glad we got to see what Buck’s life was like before he became a firefighter and learn more about his relationship with Maddie and that he had traveled a lot. Still as someone who grew up in an abusive home I feel like Buck’s origin story with his parents was handled pretty carelessly at points.

It’s kind of a common thing I’ve seen with shows though unfortunately. It just seems that most mainstream media doesn’t know how to handle abuse storylines (especially abusive parents) unless it’s storylines dealing with more commonly understood abuse like physical or sexual. If it’s abuse like Buck and Maddie endured where their life looked perfect on the surface but underneath there’s neglect and emotional abuse tv shows often give the parents an excuse (like they were grieving) and finds a way for the family to come back together at the end. Because they weren’t really “that bad”. But emotional abuse like Buck endured can sometimes be worse than physical.

It’s clear that Buck’s parents are toxic and that Maddie and Buck should both stay as far away from them as possible. I was really bothered by the scene with Buck and his parents at the firehouse. It felt like the show sort of absolved Buck’s parents of all their wrong doing and made it seem like they cared about him, like they always had when it was clear they never really did. They had him to save Daniel and when he couldn’t it’s obvious they resented him. I mean look at that whole thing with the baby box. That’s how little they cared about him. They didn’t even make a box to remember his important moments. Yes people can grow and change but they don’t do it over night and abusers rarely change.

I know there was a line Buck said (to Maddie) at the end about how he could forgive them because he’s never felt like he had a relationship with them in the first place so it didn’t really matter, which makes sense in theory but in real life that’s never how it is when you’ve grown up with abusive parents. You can try and detach yourself emotionally from them all you want but they’re still your parents, there’s still a part of you that will always hurt from never being loved the way you deserved by the people who were supposed to love you the most. Things like that don’t get wrapped up all nice and neat like like it felt like they tried to do with Buck and his parents. I am glad Buck got to express some of how he felt when they all had that dinner together but he definitely didn’t owe his parents forgiveness.

------------

The part I had the biggest issue with though was at the end when Buck went to see Maddie. Buck had every right to be angry and remain angry for awhile, at the very least Buck had a right to tell Maddie how he felt and express why he was angry and hurt by what she did and I felt like the show robbed him of that.

Buck walked in the door talking about how he had basically lashed out on Maddie because he knew that no matter what she would forgive him. It’s not Maddie who needed to do the forgiving it was Buck. Buck had trusted her his whole life. She had been like a defacto parent for all intents and purposes as his parents refused to be there for him the way he needed and now he finds out the one person in this world who has been a constant in his life (at least before he joined the 118) has lied to him about something huge. It makes sense he wouldn’t just shake that off. So for the show to just have him come in and act like everything is fine with him and Maddie I felt like was a huge problem and major disservice to Buck’s character and growth.

I’m not saying I didn’t want Maddie and Buck to make up, I definitely did. But Buck has never been good at putting his true feelings first and expressing himself. Buck has been selfish at times (plenty in season 1) but he has never been good about speaking up for what he needs and speaking truthfully to the people in his life about things he was dealing with. I mean he barely told Abby how he felt when he saw her again, he mostly stayed quiet and let her make it all about herself when he really should have been like “wtf why did you ghost me for no reason?”. Or when he didn’t tell everyone how hard he was pushing himself to go back to work and then developed a blood clot, or when he was scared to tell everyone he was seeing a therapist. He holds a lot back.

My point is if we’re supposed to be seeing Buck mature into a “better” version of himself he even said something about Buck 3.0 in a recent episode. How can that change happen if the show doesn’t let him evolve and let his relationships evolve. Even with the 118. I know they love him but I feel like they still see him as the hot headed screw up from season 1 sometimes. It’d be nice if they saw how much he’s grown too. (Not talking about Eddie. Eddie sees Buck more than anyone else does. He was the only one who told Buck he had every right to express how he felt and that he didn’t have to forgive his parents.)

Back to Maddie I think it was vital for Buck and for their relationship that we should have seen Buck tell her something like “it hurt that you kept that from me when you were the only family I ever really had (before the 118)”. I love Buck and Maddie’s relationship so I’m not saying I wanted some huge fight or for it to get drawn out on the show but I wanted Buck to express his pain and for him to call Maddie out on how wrongly she handled things. I know that she was also a victim of their parents abuse (not to mention everything with Doug) but that doesn’t absolve her from her lies to Buck once they both weren’t living with their parents anymore.

To be honest I don’t even understand why Maddie called her parents to come to LA. She said something about how because she has a baby on the way she wanted to reconnect with them but there is no connecting with people who are that toxic. And her need to connect with them shouldn’t have had to involve Buck if he didn’t want to see them. I definitely don’t understand why Maddie thought it was her place to tell their parents about Buck going to therapy especially without asking him. She told Buck that he should open up and tell them how he’s been feeling but like why? They clearly never cared about his feelings before and it was obvious when they all had dinner together they still don’t. At the dinner I didn’t like how Maddie seemed to be quiet most of the time or trying to just keep the peace with her parents vs standing up for Buck the way he did for her. At one point their mother got upset talking about the hospital and it sounded like she was going to talk about Daniel and Maddie stopped her. It’s like Maddie didn’t want the secret to get out to Buck either. Yet Maddie had no problem telling Chimney.

I’ve seen people saying stuff like no one better hate on Maddie. I don’t hate Maddie but I have a lot of issues with choices she made and the fact that it didn’t feel like she owned up to them to Buck at the end. It’s altered how I look at her and her relationship with Buck to a extent. Maddie lied to Buck even when she didn’t have to anymore. She told other people something that she should have only been telling Buck. She told her parents Buck’s business. She brought her parents to LA without asking Buck if he wanted to see them. She tried to excuse her parents by saying “they were grieving” . Grief is not an excuse to keep huge secrets from your children, to lie to them continually, and it’s definitely not an excuse to abuse your children.

I have empathy for what Buck’s whole family went through including his parents. I can’t imagine the kind of pain that parents would go through losing their child. But no child should have to bare the burden of their parents pain and that’s essentially what they made Maddie and Buck do.

I know this got pretty long but Buck is my favorite character I relate to him a lot, even more so after watching some of the current episodes. These eps about his family were just painful. I wanted to protect Buck because I felt like no one in his family was. I know what he was feeling in these episodes. Alone and unloved and like he couldn’t trust anyone and like no one in his family was on his side.

The whole montage at the end with Maddie and Buck which was supposed to tug on our hearts and remind us of this great bond they share as siblings ended up feeling kind of hollow to me. I think it could have been a beautiful scene if the show had used it after allowing them to talk about what had happened. It would have shown all they had been through and how they had grown and were moving forward. That they were all the (biological) family they needed and their parents didn’t matter. But since the show didn’t allow that kind of recognition the montage felt more like the show was saying we’re just going to sweep all that drama under the rug now it’s over and done with, here’s some pretty pictures. You don’t instantly move on from knowing someone you trusted lied to you your whole life. I just really wish the show would have done better for Buck in these episodes and better with telling a storyline about abuse. I know this is probably an unpopular opinion but I just felt like I needed to rant about it. If you made it down this far thanks for reading. 💗

[writerman]

Psst. Write a hanahaki disease fic for Barduil where Thranduil has it. You gotta write it.

Hey, anon, remember when you requested this probably like a year ago? Yeah, me either...

Anyway, here is what you asked for. I wrote over 7000+ words in a day to finish this asap.

My thanks to @morticia-butler​ for all the help looking up Hanahaki disease headcanons and an iconic line I simply had to include.

This is a long one so some of it will be under a readmore BUT you can also read all my other Barduil prompts via this fancy schmancy LINK

On to the story!

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8:30am. Thursday. September 17th. Just petals. 

The mirror reflected a pale and haunted image back at him while bright and vibrant yellow petals dusted the front of his pyjama t-shirt. 

Daffodils. 

His favourite. Thranduil, however, had come to detest the sight of them. The sunshine yellow flowers openly mocking him, their bobbing heads in the breeze seen as a gaggle of them laughing almost jovially at his situation. 

No point thinking on it in-depth, not when he could temporarily abate the problem. 

With such a thought in mind, Thranduil brushed the petals from his shirt into the sink and watched as they swirled in the water a moment before vanishing down the drain into the darkness. 

But there would be more. 

There was always more. 

A soft knock at the bathroom door stilled his hand as he reached for his toothbrush and he turned to see Tauriel watching him with concern. 

“I didn’t know you were visiting today, what are you doing here?” Thranduil’s voice was soft as he spoke, though, the lilting sound of surprise cracked his voice for a moment. “Had I known you planned to visit I’d have been ready by now. What are-” Thranduil watched as Tauriel leaned toward him, her hand brushed the fabric of his t-shirt as she plucked a petal still clinging to the fibres. 

“Dad, you said this had stopped!” The words rushed out and they were so loud as she held the petal up between them. While it hadn’t meant to come out so accusing, he could hear the dismay that coloured her words, it still felt harsh and Thranduil braced himself for a barrage of instructions to get himself to a doctor. 

“It was quelled for some time. The doctor gave me special inhalers that slow the spread but I’ve not had the time to contact the surgery for a refill.” He gestured to an empty inhaler laying innocently on its side by the sink. They had helped immeasurably and the majority of his family had believed the disease was done and gone. 

But Hanahaki was not that easy to be rid of, he knew and deep down his family knew that too. It was easier to think he had been cured than to do consider the alternative…

“I dropped by because I wanted to know if you felt like grabbing breakfast?” Tauriel turned from the bathroom door and wandered into her dad’s bedroom, his clothes were laid out already, she paced past the bed and back out into the hallway. “I’ll be downstairs, let’s go out still.” 

There was no time to respond and so Thranduil internally agreed to breakfast with his daughter. She and Legolas were the same in that they were strongwilled, always happy to make a decision and happy to make it for someone else too. 

They definitely had gotten that trait from him, even if he had mellowed somewhat with age. It was easy to recall his younger days with clarity, he walked tall never a curve to his back because he bowed to no one. 

He had been so headstrong and confident, even after his wife had died. People had come to him speaking softly with sincere condolences but Thranduil cast the sorrowful glances aside and carried on working. 

That felt like aeons ago now, Thranduil was more in touch with his emotional and mental health now, gave and took the time of others as freely as he should have when he was younger. Thranduil found value in the world where once he would have shunned it. 

Turning to look in the mirror, that pale and haunted face stared back but the eyes seemed less empty than they had earlier. Even with his disease there was still hope within him, it was choked and stuttering by the roots of the flowers in his chest and lungs but it was there. 

“I can’t give up, not yet.” He whispered to himself. 

They ended up heading to Tauriel’s favourite place for breakfast, it was a small family-run restaurant and the food was good. The cheery wait staff did not match the highly polished wood and marble of the place but it felt strangely homely all the same. 

It was while Thranduil perused the menu that Tauriel brought up the subject, or rather, the object of his disease to him. A public place so he would not make a scene, perhaps, or rather, she hadn’t thought of the setting and only wanted to relinquish her hold on the burning question she had within for months. 

“So, will you at least tell me who it is that did this to you?” Badly worded. No one had passed the disease onto him, that wasn’t how it worked and he knew Tauriel understood that. “Come on, dad. Do they know what they’ve done to you?” Of course, she was angry but why was she being angry with someone innocent in all of it? 

While the majority of the time Thranduil was able to ignore these unnecessary outbursts from his children, there were ofttimes when his frustration got the better of him and one of those times was now.

With hands loosely balled into fists resting on the tabletop, Thranduil pinned his daughter with an icy glare that quashed whatever words she had left inside to say on the matter.  

“I have told you time and time again, I will not tell you who it is. You know damned well that they are not to blame in this. You’ve seen the diagnosis, even though I’ve asked you to stay out of it, you’ve seen the words ‘ self-inflicted’ on the documents.” He voice was low but the chill in his words caused Tauriel to sit back in her seat and avert her gaze from his. 

“I’m sorry-” She stopped when the waitress came over and set down their coffee and a rack of toast. There was time enough between the waitress approaching and leaving for Tauriel to regain her composure. “I’ve read so much about this over the past few months, it might now be onesided that’s all.” She was right but the percentage was low.

Hanahaki disease was such an odd illness to contract, the phenomenon of flowers growing in a person’s chest and lungs due to unrequited or onesided love. The agitation of yearning and pining watered the blooms until the lungs were completely full and the chest cavity would split open with leaves and stems and petals spilling out and killing a person instantly if they hadn’t already died from suffocation. 

But that was only intense cases. There were ways to slow the spread and Thranduil was taking measures to ensure he could do such a thing. 

Regular therapy was one. His therapist was a wonderful woman who guided him through the process of coming to terms with his unrequited love. They spoke of how to be honest and open with the feelings he experienced and how to provide his own closure.

Though, they had many hurdles to jump. Thranduil didn’t believe in closure per se, to him revisiting something traumatic and uncomfortable merely reopened wounds. They’d spent many sessions focussing on the death of his wife and while it had helped immensely in allowing a belated grieving it ultimately had not helped with his predicament.

But he was not to call it a predicament his therapist had said. To remove the seriousness of the disease was to remove the value of his own life. There were many times she had asked him to look from the outside in and speak on the issues in his life as though they affected another person. It had helped and when things looked bleak or if Thranduil began to brush off the seriousness of his illness he would remind himself that he would not allow someone else to do that to themselves. 

The next most drastic step was surgery, but it was a temporary step and it slowed the spread of the disease. Researchers in the medical field studying Hanahaki always implied heavily that the physical manifestations of the disease were caused by the brain and thus Hanahaki was registered as a mental illness. 

It was why doctors pressed so hard for those that suffered to seek therapy. 

“I won’t be involving the person in this what so ever, Tauriel. Please, I ask again that you drop the subject.” How he had pleaded like this before and how it emotionally exhausted him to see the fear in her eyes every time she visited. 

It was all because he knew that one day she feared she’d find him lying dead, a bouquet of blood-stained flowers adorning his chest in a beautiful and grotesque display of the love that had plagued him. 

“I understand that you’re scared but I promise you I have no given up. I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon and with my surgeon to discuss a date for surgery.” 

His words seemed enough to placate her for now and she instead busied herself with buttering some toast.

3:00pm Thursday. September 17th. Just petals.

“We spoke about your wife again last week, I noted that you requested we move on from the subject. Why do you feel you need to leave that subject alone?” The room was shaded from the bright Autumn sunshine streaming in from the window. 

Thranduil could see the glowing gold around the edges of the blinds and forgot where he was for a moment as he watched it flicker with the shadow of trees swaying the breeze. He couldn’t remember why he’d suggested they move on but it seemed the right course of action to him. 

“I just feel we aren’t focussing on the real problem.” When he spoke he made a point to look at her. Maintaining eye contact seemed important at that moment, he didn’t want her to think he was ruled by indecision. “My wife has been dead for years and we have already confirmed that, as much as I miss her, I have come to terms with her death and grieved appropriately.” Too business-like. As soon as the words had come out of his mouth he knew. 

The therapist merely ‘hmm’d’ in response and wrote something down. There was the internal battle to struggle with now, to explain himself to her or let her assume something of him that he would, personally, deem incorrect. 

“What is it you would like to speak about instead?” 

That was the problem, he didn’t really know. The only thing he wanted to ask was ‘How did you get over someone and quickly?’ but there wasn’t really much of an answer she would be able to give.

Magazines for years had offered ‘helpful tips to get over that person that doesn’t like you back!’ and Thranduil had put no stock in their, so called, wisdom. Now they didn’t publish these things, now they would ask you to seek help if you experienced any symptoms they listed on the page. 

Distraction techniques had been offered by his family in droves at the beginning when his diagnosis had been revealed. Nothing had actually helped because his mind would often wander to the object of his affection when he was practising a new hobby. 

“I think my need to rush these sessions is just because I’m scared of losing myself completely and if I do that, well, you know what happens.” Thranduil gave a half-hearted shrug, he barely lifted his shoulders but it was a shrug all the same and his therapist acknowledged it as so with a nod. 

“Everyone is scared of dying, Thranduil. Perfectly healthy people, people who have terminal diseases. Do you want to talk about your fear of dying?” 

He didn’t. 

They, instead, spoke of newer experimental ideas that Thranduil might have been interested in trying. She wrote out the prescription for the refill on his inhaler and made another appointment for a week later. 

It wasn’t often that Thranduil left the sessions more tightly wound than he had been when going in but he at least knew that he’d need something to talk about next week or they’d get back on the subject of his wife and he honestly didn’t think that was helpful. 

His next appointment was at the doctor's office, they wanted to schedule surgery but they had needed proof he was visiting his therapist before they would agree. It was a messy and an unfair condition but at least at the doctor's office he could get them to fill the prescription so it wasn’t too much of a wasted trip if they refused his surgery. 

1:00pm Friday. September 18th Foliage. 

The office was quiet now. 

Everyone but Thranduil had packed up for the day and headed out to start their weekends. It was a perk Thranduil had implemented years ago and it had been appreciated, even if it had been created to benefit him more so than his employees at the time. 

Nothing was waiting for him at home and there was plenty of paperwork to do so he poured himself a glass of water, took his inhaler and got comfortable at his desk reading through a brief for a new promotion. 

So engrossed was he in his work that he failed to notice someone entering the office and only when a takeout coffee cup was set before him did he move his gaze from the files he had been reading to intently. 

Looking up Thranduil ceased his movement almost instantly at the sight of his best friend Bard. The afternoon sunshine illuminated his handsome face with a soft golden glow, his brown eyes looked golden as he smiled down at him. His cheery countenance was always welcome and so was his gift of coffee but Thranduil could tell his friend was there with an agenda of sorts. 

“Haven’t seen you lately, Thran. You’re not holding yourself up in this office every night until late again, are you?” The concern, it left a shaking and aching hole inside Thranduil and that hole soon became clogged with stems and leaves, give the disease an inch and, well, that old adage. 

“No, I just had something to do here but it can wait. Did you need something?” To try and remain relaxed and carefree around Bard was increasingly difficult, more so when he had endeavoured to hide his disease from him as much as he could. 

“Hm, well, I just had the feeling that you’ve been avoiding me for a while if I’m to be completely honest.” Straight to the point, no beating around the bush for Bard and he had every right to be concerned because he was correct.

Perhaps it was more obvious lately that he had been trying to avoid Bard for a few weeks. Avoidance was never going to be the answer but this man was why he had the disease, or rather, what exacerbated it. There would never be a time he would place sole or even partial blame on Bard for what he was going through. 

“I’m sorry, I suppose I have been caught up in work recently. I’m absolutely not overworking myself before you ask. However, I’ve neglected my best friend and I think I owe you a drink, at least.”

“At least,” Bard repeated in agreement and he grinned, they didn’t move to get up. 

Thranduil busied himself with taking a sip of his coffee, it was a blond roast from Michael’s he could tell without even looking at the logo on the side of the cup. All the while he inwardly cursed the tightness in his chest and new shoots began to sprout and buds began to burst into bloom. 

There was no chance he could even begin to hazard a cough. It’d look like a cat had swallowed a canary. Or a man that had swallowed his feelings. 

For a short while, they chatted idly about what they’d done recently. Bard talked of hating the empty nest syndrome he was suffering now that Tilda had moved out, leaving the family home nothing but a ‘mausoleum of family memories that were visited by a spectre that had helped create them’. It was a dramatic sentence and Thranduil laughed aloud before offering something vaguely sympathetic to soothe his friend.  

“Can’t you clock out already, you own the business let’s get out while it’s still bright,” Bard complained as he rose from his seat and wandered toward the large window Thranduil sat with his back to. “The sun is still warm and we could probably walk to the pub instead of taking the car.”

“Walking to the pub suggests that you don’t wish to have a few drinks but one too many.” As much as he hoped he sounded wise, Thranduil knew Bard would have clearly taken it as a challenge. So they were absolutely going to get drunk that night and Thranduil couldn’t have been more terrified of that prospect.

“I haven’t seen you in ages, you’re my best friend and even if we both regret how bad we feel in the morning, age that does that to you, I want to get drunk with you, Thran!” Ah, old age hadn’t fully caught up with Bard yet, he was vibrant and energetic and hot. Gods above was that man gorgeous. 

That was where it all began though, Bard had blazed into his life when they were in their early 30’s. Thranduil had just lost his wife and was trying to juggle a career and two grieving kids. 

Bard and his wife Anya had helped him. They took the kids to school and picked them up and fed them so Thranduil could… do what? He couldn’t even remember now- he hadn’t grieved that was for sure!

With a 10 year and an 8-year-old broken over the loss of their mother and having no support from their emotionally unavailable father, Tauriel and Legolas had grown up to be quite well adjusted. Though, some of that might have been the therapy they’d gotten as suggested by their school. 

It had happened only 2 years later, Bard lost Anya and he was thrown into a situation similar to Thranduil’s and the roles were reversed. Sigrid and Tauriel grew up like sisters and were still close because of how often they saw one another. They bonded strongly over what had happened to their mothers and became each other’s strength when they needed it.

The same happened with Bard and Thranduil, they became close friends. They took the children on holiday together, camping or water parks and spent their weekends finding activities for the kids that they too could take part in. 

For a while, it had been just friendship, but then as the children grew up and wanted to spend less time with dad and more time with friends they found company in each other more often than not. 

Then Tauriel and Legolas moved out for university, Sigrid and Bain left Bard for the same reason, Tilda was always adventuring with her friends and so when the empty house became too much they would go out. 

Dinner, drinks, a walk in the park, catch a movie or two. 

Innocent stuff, but Thranduil allowed himself to get comfortable and in letting his guard down he let feelings in that he had tried to avoid from the moment he met Bard. 

The problem was when Anya died Bard told Thranduil he couldn’t ever see himself falling in love with another person again. 

This was proven time and time again over the years, dates would happen once or not at all with people that could have been his perfect match, and eventually, Bard learned to ignore anyone that tried to flirt with him. A suggestive smile or even a compliment was brushed off as nothing more than friendly and the more unattainable he became the more Thranduil realised he was in love with him. 

A terrible turn of events to be sure, and now he suffered daily for it with petals littering his pillows and flowers choking out his lungs. 

“Are we going out then?” Bard’s voice cut through the memories Thranduil was replaying in his mind for the hundredth time and how thankful he was when he did. The blooming of the flowers in his chest increased with the thoughts of Bard. 

To say no to the request would put a strain on their friendship. Bard had already noticed that he was being avoided and it would do them no good for Thranduil to continue that. So, with a nod, he got up from his seat and grabbed his jacket. 

“It is a nice day, let’s walk to the pub then.” Intoxication was the last thing he needed but to keep up the charade that all was fine he’d need to at least try and play along. To play the role of a man in perfect health, body and mind, didn’t seem easy but he had to try. 

He would try because he loved him. 

10:45am Wednesday. September 30th. Bursting Blooms.

It was classed as routine surgery but Thranduil couldn’t imagine how hard it would be to slice someone open and remove flowers stamen to stem to root. Temporary as it was, he was thankful they had managed to organise it so quickly, his outing with Bard and the subsequent dinner the night after meant that his condition rapidly grew worse as time went by in the company of his best friend. 

He’d woken to more petals on his pillow than he had ever seen before and his breathing laboured. Even coughing to free up space didn’t work and instead, he was gifted with near whole flower heads landing in his hands.

The kids were horrified as they watched this because of course, it would have happened while they visited. Which led to him having to listen to endless ‘You should go to the hospital right now.’ in a chorus from them both until he showed them the inhalers. 

They sat either side of him in the waiting room now. 

Legolas bounced his leg continuously looking around the waiting room for something to distract him. He’d taken time away from University to be there to help with recovery. 

Tauriel chewed her nails and checked the time on her phone every couple of minutes as if time flowed differently in a hospital waiting room. 

There was no cause for his anxiety to manifest when he was sat between two that were already doing all the work for him. Sadly, he had no words to calm them of their fears because he was just as afraid. 

“Have people died from this surgery, dad?” Legolas piped up out of the blue, he sounded so young in that moment and Thranduil felt guilt course through his veins like ice for putting his children through something like this again. 

When he didn’t answer Tauriel did for him and she shook her head even though Legolas was focussing more on a poster across the room than on anything else. 

“No, because the surgery, while invasive to a degree, only removes some of the plants. They don’t fully remove everything because they simply can’t. Dad is going to be ok, more ok after this than he is now.” Her confidence only shaking by the tremor in her voice and Thranduil hoped Legolas couldn’t hear it. 

“Hmm, ok.” Pensive now Legolas falls silent but his leg continuous to bounce but not as animatedly as before. He was not calmed but something in her words convinced him that the surgery would be fine. 

Though, he didn’t understand why she would lie to him like that. His son was perfectly capable of looking up the survival rate on his phone, it was low just as low as the rate of people that were cured by expressing their feelings to their heart's desire. 

They were approached by a nurse in scrubs. 

“Mr Oropherion, if you would like to come this way.” 

1:56pm Wednesday. September 30th. Roots. 

Someone was gently squeezing his arm.

“Thranduil, you’ve just come out of surgery. Can you hear me?” The same nurse that took him in was now waking him. “We need you to respond to know you’re ok.” 

Nothing felt real yet he managed to croak out something akin to an ‘I’m fine’ but that was it. The need for sleep and an excruciating pain rushed over him and he groaned hands gripping the sheets as he waited for it to subside. 

“Out of 10, 10 being very painful and 1 being not painful at all how do you feel?” The nurse was holding a clipboard and a pen, they looked down at Thranduil with an expectant look and merely blinked blankly when Thranduil didn’t respond right away.

He needed more time than this to consider everything, on the one hand, he could breathe on the other the pain of being sliced open and stitched back together was awful. 

“Ah… 8 maybe?” His whole body shook as he came out of the anaesthetic and all he wanted was to leave his body while it was in this state and return when he was at home comfortable in his own bed with a cup of tea. 

His time in the recovery room was short and he was wheeled into a private room where he was greeted with the grim face of his best friend. Bard looked awful, pale and he seemed to have aged 10 years all with concern etched deep into his face. 

“You were having important surgery and just elected not to tell me?” It was quiet, so quiet that Thranduil almost didn’t hear him speak. It wasn’t until they were fully alone after someone had administered strong painkillers, that Thranduil finally acknowledged what Bard had said to him. 

“I didn’t need more people worrying about me than was necessary. I’m sorry, Bard. I should have told you but I didn’t want you to ask what the surgery was.” If he was honest, he still didn’t want Bard to know and if he asked him then and there he would outright refuse to tell him. 

Even if keeping such secrets ended their friendship it would be safer then, the heartbreak of losing him as a friend was all the cure he needed and it would continue to protect Bard from the truth. 

“If you had just told me that I could have been here for you from the beginning! Instead, I get a call from Tauriel asking me to come by and sit with Legs because she had to go grab something from home. I had no idea what she was talking about so you can probably expect a gushing apology from her later.” Bard dragged a hand through his dark hair, now laced with silver, as he started to pace. 

It wasn’t fair. 

Life wasn’t fair but this was kicking a man while he was down! 

“I’m sorry, Thran. I didn’t mean to come in and just… yell at you. How are you feeling, are you ok?” Bard moved towards the bed and poured a glass of water out and handed it to Thran who took the offering gratefully and slowly sipped the cold water in trembling hands. 

“Why can’t you tell me what the surgery was?” Bard pulled up the visitor chair so he was sad right by Thranduil’s bedside. For a moment he seemed indecisive in his actions until he, apparently, had a moment of clarity and took Thranduil’s hand in his. “Is it… cancer?” The words were uttered almost reverently as though he was afraid to speak the words any louder than a whisper. 

Could he lie and say yes? 

Oh, how disrespectful he would be to cancer survivors and those who had lost their battle. No, he could not lie and so he shook his head feeling more forlorn with each passing minute. The desperate need to wrench his hand from Bard’s was unbearable, the heat of the man’s hand seared into his skin and he couldn’t think straight wondering how it would be to hold his hand and know he loved him back. 

Something inside him grew and already a new bloom began to sprout. 

This was too dangerous. 

Gods, he was dying and yet he still thought he had a chance with this man sat at his bedside holding his hand whispering words to him like a prayer. 

Eventually, he knew he’d had to put an end to all of this. 

How he wasn’t sure. 

8:36pm Saturday. October 10th. Stems. 

The children had just left, left with promises to be there again in the morning but Thranduil waved them away and told them it was not necessary to coddle him in such a way. The look on their faces told him he really had no say in the matter what so ever. 

The surgery results were more temporary than he’d have liked, petals had started appearing again after a mere 10 days. With the inhalers they were few and far between but only 10 days of respite. His scars not yet healed from the procedure! 

All in all, it seemed to have been a waste of time but at least he was still able to breathe with relative ease, though emotionally it seemed he was breathless. Legolas and Tauriel barely gave him a second alone and were hawks when it came to spotting petals.

At first, they’d been nigh hysterical but Thranduil had calmed them down and explained that these things happened and that he was still able to breathe well enough so there was nothing to worry about. 

They hadn’t believed him. Not even for a second but they were distracted enough to come down from the height they’d been at in their worry. 

The doorbell rang not even 5 minutes after the children had left and Thranduil assumed one of them must have left something behind, so when he opened the door to find Bard on the doorstep he was surprised but ushered him all the same. 

“It’s late, what are you doing here?” Thranduil shivered and pulled the long misshapen and baldy knitted cardigan tightly around himself. It had been a gift from Tauriel, she had knitted it and then proceeded to never try knitting again yet Thranduil adored the huge thing that near drowned him. “Aren’t you coming inside?” 

He noticed after a moment that Bard lingered a little too long at the door and seemed frozen by indecision. It wasn’t like him to be unsure of something so Thranduil prodded again. 

“Are you coming in?” But Bard wasn’t looking at him, he was staring at the cardigan and feeling self-conscious Thranduil wrapped his arms around it trying to cover the large holes, but Bard kept staring until Thranduil actually become protective of the garment and snapped at him. 

“What are you looking at?” Much like Tauriel had done before, Bard leaned forward and between his finger and thumb pulled a yellow petal away from Thranduil’s clothing, it seemed much brighter in the gloom of the autumn evening. 

It seemed enough for Bard to piece together the truth and he looked dismayed, his shoulders dropped and his head dropped for a moment before he forced himself to look up at his friend. 

“Is.. this why you had surgery?”

“Let’s not do this on the steps outside, come in and I promise I will answer all of your questions.” That seemed to put him in motion and with a short nod, Bard stepped into the warmth of the house and Thranduil shut the door. 

“How long have you had this?” 

Straight to the point, Thranduil had hoped he’d be given the chance to offer tea or something else before Bard started grilling him for answers. Honestly, though, he knew the question Bard wanted an answer to the most and Thranduil didn’t think he had it in him to tell him that, not yet at least. 

“Hmm, a year now, maybe?” It had been so long since he had been without the cursed disease and he hadn’t exactly been counting, seeing it was more a count down to his death if he truly tried to rack up the days. 

“Is there a cure, will you die from this?” The panic appeared from nowhere and Bard bit his lip as he tried to work out what he wanted to do next, he seemed to want to cross the room toward Thranduil and pace so to put a stop to either Thranduil made him sit down. 

“I will make tea and answer those questions when I come back.” One of them had to remain calm, while he would have loved to have thrown away his composure and screamed to the Heavens that life wasn’t fair he didn’t think it would help his situation in the slightest. 

When he returned with the tray Bard was stood again but this time by the fireplace looking at the family photos set out across the mantle. They were mostly of himself with the kids, one of is and Bard’s family all together on a camping trip and one of his wedding day. 

“Hanahaki, huh?” He must have googled it while Thranduil was in the kitchen, that was fine but he probably knew more than Thranduil would have liked now. “So the surgery you had was to remove some of the flowers… ah, I can’t pretend like I’m not going to ask. Who is it that did this to you, Thran, who is the one that can’t or won’t love you back?” The tone seemed one of incredulity, as though Bard couldn’t quite believe there was anyone in the world who couldn’t love Thranduil.

But there was. 

“Does it matter who and isn’t it better to see that I am trying to get better instead of giving up?” Deflect the question by asking a question, the only thing he could do as he poured tea and tried to stop his hands from trembling. “I am doing everything the doctors say I should.” 

“Which is?”

“Haven’t you just checked the internet for all of this?”

“Well, yeah, but I want to hear you say it, that’s all.” The conversation was going nowhere because Bard clearly couldn’t stand not knowing who this person was that had captured Thranduil’s heart and refused to return it. 

“I have therapy every week, I have inhalers to slow the spread of the blooms and recently I had surgery to remove the majority of the blockage but the roots are deep.” Such a drastic admission and so unfair to reveal his imminent death so casually. 

Taking a sip of tea, Thranduil watched Bard’s face cycle through several emotions before settling on… nothing. Instead of responding Bard merely added some sugar to his tea before lifting it to his lips to drink. 

“So, you were just planning on dying without telling me?” The words came out flat as though the conversation was casual yet boring. He had hurt his friend that much he was sure of but there wasn’t really much of anything he could say to soothe him now. Bard had been right, and what Thranduil had thought was caring and helpful turned out to be more selfish than anything else. 

“No, I would never do that to you, Bard. I don’t want to keep these things from you but please see this from my perspective. This isn’t something I want to scream from the rooftops- ‘LOOK AT ME EVERYONE I AM DYING BECAUSE THE PERSON I LOVE DOESN’T LOVE ME BACK AND I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY STABLE ENOUGH TO ACCEPT THAT!’ why would I want to reveal my weakness to someone? If Legolas and Tauriel hadn’t found out I would not have told them either!” He didn’t like being weak like this, not after a life of being seen as an unshakable strength a rock that you could rely on. Everything was beginning to crumble why would he want to bare his soul now? 

“Fine but don’t think I can just forgive you for hiding this from me. After everything we’ve been through together you just fail to tell me that, 1) you’re in love with someone, and 2) You’re dying because of it.” Bard set down his cup a little too hard and pushed himself to his feet and headed for the door. “I… I have to go, Thran. I’m sorry.” 

He was on his feet in seconds following Bard to the door but the man was already in his car by the time he got out onto the steps to call him back. 

“You don’t understand…” Thranduil whispered as he tugged at the cardigan pulling it tight around him against the chill. “I didn’t tell you to save you from the guilt that I know you’d feel.” Of course, the words merely dissipated into the cold night air and the vapours trailing each word rose into the sky before vanishing completely. 

At least the universe heard his admission of the truth. 

4:00pm Friday, December 11th. Nothing but a memory. 

They had given him a clean bill of health. 

No roots, stems, stamens, petals, not even a leaf remained. The flowers had wilted and withered to nothing and Thranduil took an easy deep breath as he left the doctor’s office. It was a chilly December evening and he was adjusting his scarf when Legolas nearly bowled him over running into him his arms thrown around his neck in a tight embrace. 

“I heard the news! You’re better now for good?!” The excitement in his son’s voice brought genuine tears to Thranduil’s eyes and he buried his face in Legolas’ golden hair for a long month savouring the warmth his son gave. 

When they broke apart Tauriel was stood by her car, the engine still running. They must have just arrived as he was leaving. She gave him a cheery wave before climbing into the car to shut off the engine. 

Thranduil hadn’t confessed his feelings to Bard and Bard had not confessed his to him. Instead, he had worked hard to understand that sometimes your feelings just were not reciprocated and that was ok. 

Platonic love was just as good as romantic love, sadly, he hadn’t been able to speak to Bard since he’d walked out on him all those weeks ago. While he would always love Bard he understood that what he had done was hurtful and if he’d been given the chance he wished he could apologise. 

It had never been his intention to hurt his best friend but he had been so caught up in his own pain he had forgotten to consider those nearest and dearest to him. How had it been fair to hide such a horrible problem from those he held dear? 

“Have you heard from… him?” Tauriel knew everything now, she’d gotten it out of him not long ago, he was at his lowest and needed someone who might understand. It was not his proudest moment, leaning on his daughter emotionally for support, but she had been steadfast in her support of him that it seemed so easy to tell her everything. 

Thankfully, Tauriel didn’t hold the reaction Bard had against him. 

“I had been angry just like him too, remember?” 

Oh, she had, she had screamed murder in his home, right in the centre of the living room, when she had realised and didn’t speak to Thranduil for days. It was the longest she had ever gone without talking to him before, a whole 6 days until she came around and they talked about what it meant for the family. 

But now they were fine, life could resume. Thranduil could live with seeing them without the soft concerned glances Tauriel and Legolas would exchange when his chest grew tight and he wheezed as he tried to grasp a full breath. 

If only he could repair his relationship with Bard. There weren’t many he shared his life with and losing someone was extremely noticeable when that someone was fully apart of his daily life.

Even visiting his usual haunts proved useless. There didn’t seem to be a trace of him anywhere and Thranduil was much too much of a coward to walk right up to his door and demand to be let in. 

Yet, none of his calls were returned or his texts answered. When Tauriel asked Sigrid if her dad was ok she just shrugged and said he wasn’t doing anything unusual of late, but he had been grabbing a drink with workmates more often. 

That wasn’t a cause for concern as Bard had always been the friendly and sociable type. 

Whatever was going through his friend's mind he sincerely hoped he would take the time to consider contacting him so they could talk. There were only so many text messages he could send without looking incredibly desperate. 

5:30am Tuesday, December 24th. Easy breathing. 

A shrieking doorbell and the sound of continuous banging on the door jolted Thranduil awake and he swore loudly as he tumbled out of bed and shuffled wearily down the stairs. Whoever it was had better have a fantastic reason as to why they had to get him up at stupid o'clock in the morning!! 

When he pulled the door open to see a rather dishevelled Bard using the door frame to hold himself up the air in Thranduil’s lungs seemed to vanish. He stood motionless for a good 30 seconds before helping Bard inside. 

“You absolutely reek of alcohol. What are you doing here?” 

There was silence proceeding his question and, at first, Thranduil thought the man had fallen asleep on the sofa where he had collapsed but it appeared he was just thinking of the best response. 

“I had to see you.” Surprisingly he didn’t sound drunk and Thranduil considered that the cold must have sobered him up. For his own mental health, he decided against asking him what he meant about having to see him. 

“I don’t know about you but the larks aren’t even up yet and I am tired. Let me make some coffee for the both of us and we can see if I can’t get some sense out of you.” As he turned to move Bard’s hand shot out and his fingers curled around Thranduil’s wrist tugging him backwards with ease. 

“No, let me speak to you, hasn’t it been long enough already?” A sleep-deprived gravelled tone did not suit Bard and Thranduil could see dark circles around his eyes. Whatever had been on Bard’s mind of late must have had him up around the clock. 

“You were the one that decided you’d had enough of me, remember?” 

Those words caused the man before him to relinquish his grip on Thranduil’s wrist and he just gave a nod but when Thranduil didn’t move he took a deep breath and began to speak. 

“I’m sorry that I made it about me. There wasn’t even a second where I considered how scared you must have been to know that any day could have been your last.” 

“Yes, well, thankfully those days are behind me now.” 

Like a shock of electricity had gone through him Bard jumped to his feet looking this way and that before having the decency to look genuinely apologetic. 

“Did I interrupt your sleep with them?” In the light of the living room, Thranduil got a better look at him and something inside him clicked into place and he had to withhold a groan when he realised he had definitely, once again, fallen in love with his best friend. 

“There is no one, the person I was in love with, I’m not in love with them now. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact they did not care for me the way I wanted but I am better because I started to love me more.” Oh, what a liar he was. Yes, he did care for himself a lot more but he was falling right back into the rut he had been not 8 weeks ago. 

The second he started spitting petals he was going to wring Bard’s neck. There was no way he was going through all that again!

“There’s no one, ah, good. That means I have a sliver of a chance to ask you out on a date then.” 

No, no he wasn’t doing any of this without coffee. As much as he wanted to address every single word the man had just uttered he wasn’t doing this without caffeine and maybe some toast. 

Without a word he walked off into the kitchen and, like a lost puppy, Bard obediently trotted in behind him trying to get his attention. No, no, no, he was going to fill the machine with coffee beans and put bread in the toaster then he was going to get the toaster and throw it at Bard’s head! 

Whipping round to face him, Thranduil grabs a fistful of Bard’s shirt and pulls him close enough that they are nearly nose to nose. 

“You’re telling me that you have developed feelings for me in the past 3 months I have been in recovery?” 

Fear was the only emotion in Bard’s eyes and they were wide to the point the whites almost exceeded the iris. It would have been funny if Thranduil hadn’t wanted to throttle the man where he stood. 

“Well, I wanted to tell you I loved you as soon as you opened the door but you’re so scary when you’ve just woken up. You’re scary now, please don’t kill me. I love you!” 

That was it. 

“You LOVE me? Is that so Mr I Will Never Love Again? IS that so?!” There was a mixed bag of emotions stirring up inside him but mostly the murderous intent was winning out. Killing Bard wasn’t really on the cards but he wasn’t going to let the man get away with nearly killing him for over a year even if he had no idea it was his fault. 

“You are very, very, very lucky that I just so happen to love you, too.” The iron grip on Bard’s shirt relaxed and he tried his best to smooth the deep wrinkles but it was not to be. Regardless, he had Bard looking at him with a sappy grin plastered over his pale face like he’d been told he’d won the lottery and not the affections of a highly problematic male. 

“R-really?” 

“As much as it now pains me to say this, yes, I do love you so very much. So much so that my heart could burst if I tried to contain it any longer.” The thumping of his heart was so hard in his chest that he was sure Bard could have heard it if he’d tried. Somehow things were falling into place now with such little effort. 

There had been a chance Thranduil would have found himself bitter about the whole thing and shunned Bard’s advances. Revenge should have been high on his list with the grinning idiot before him but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything other than lean in and press a kiss to his Bard’s lips. 

“Really, really.” 

[alexiarexia-blog]

04.13.2019

Please be aware that I will not be responding to any messages, asks, or replies at this time, or for the foreseeable future. Please respect our privacy and need to grieve. Thank you.

This is not an easy post. Our journey does not have a happy ending.

At 2:08PM on Saturday, April 13, 2019, our beautiful Camryn Rose made a very early debut into the world. She died in my arms at 2:13PM without ever taking a single breath.

Camryn Rose was born a full 21 weeks early. They don’t even call it a live birth at that point. Even though her heart was still beating until they cut the cord, it’s considered a second trimester miscarriage.

Regardless of what they call it, I call it heartbreak. I call it impossible.

I call it agony.

Camryn Rose. She was a girl. I don’t think I had even publicly announced that yet on Tumblr. Only a select few knew that detail. Only a select few knew I was experiencing complications. To those few, I am eternally grateful for your positivity and being there when I needed you. Especially @randomgirlusername. You were definitely my virtual rock when I needed to be completely honest with where my head was as we were playing that torturous waiting game, and in the weeks since.

To others, I need to tell my story. I know I don’t owe it to anyone, and I have a right to keep it private, but writing it out has been cathartic, and I want you all who have been so supportive and encouraging to know.

So, here’s my story.

WARNING: This story contains frank, graphic descriptions of a second trimester miscarriage. I can’t sugarcoat any of the details. If you’re at all squeamish, this may be hard for you to read. Proceed at your own risk.

On Thursday (April 11), I stayed home from work because I was feeling a bit off. But I’d been having trouble sleeping because of my asthma and allergies (both made worse by the pregnancy), so I figured I just needed a day or two to rest and catch up on my sleep. The morning was pretty smooth, just some mild discomfort that wasn’t usual for me. Mostly lower back pain that I typically attribute to the weight of my chest. I’ve felt that pain since my teenage years, so it wasn’t unusual.

Claire was still home. She’d cancelled her late morning office hours, but was still planning on heading to work for her two afternoon classes. We’d planned on ordering Chinese food for lunch and watching Lost Girl on Netflix.

Around noon, I began feeling a bit worse. My lower back pain had morphed into what felt very similar to bad period cramps. When I went to pee, there was spotting. Spotting during pregnancy isn’t unusual, but combined with the lower abdominal cramps that were continuing to worsen, we made the decision to call my OB and see about getting a same-day appointment to get everything checked out. The receptionist told us to hold for a moment, then she was back on the line in two minutes and told us to go straight to the emergency room as quick as we could. Claire drove like a mad woman and got us there in under fifteen minutes.

I was admitted fairly quickly and they did a pelvic exam where it was discovered that my cervix was extremely short. An incompetent cervix is the technical term. A normal cervix length at 17.5 weeks is about 3.5cm, but it can vary for each pregnancy. Anything less than 2.2cm is considered in the danger zone. My cervix was 1.1cm upon admittance. Essentially, my body was preparing for labor. I was only 17 weeks and 4 days. The earliest viability for a fetus is 22 weeks, and survival rates at that point are still incredibly low. There was zero chance she’d make it if they didn’t stop it.

I was given IV medication to try and stop active labor, but it didn’t work and by the following morning, my cervix was 0.8cm long. The next step was a cervical cerclage, which is a procedure where they literally sew your cervix shut with a thick suture. It sounds painful because it is. I was given an epidural to numb me, but when that wore off, I was in so much pain that I passed out from it a few times. I could only receive so much pain medication to help because of the baby. But it was worth it, all the pain and agony was worth it, to save our baby.

But it didn’t work. I developed a pretty nasty infection quickly (expected with this procedure) and it was being resistant to antibiotics. And then, at just past noon on April 13, 2019, my body gave up and my water broke. The force of it ripped the stitch from my cervix, and it felt like a red hot poker was being pushed out of my vagina. I’ve never felt anything more painful in my entire life. Physically, at least. What happened next was easily the single most painful experience, physical or emotional, I’ve ever had to endure.

There was nothing more to do to stop my body from labor. They gave me another epidural to numb me, then they delivered sweet little Camryn Rose. She was so tiny; I didn’t even have to push. She was already crowning. She weighed just over 6.5 ounces and was only 5.4 inches long. I held her as I cried. As Claire cried with me.

In all the years I’ve known Claire, I’ve only seen her cry from sadness two other times. Once was when her mother died last summer, the other when the grad student she was mentoring died in a horrific car accident several years ago. It seems death is the common denominator here. Claire is a solitary crier. I know she’s had more moments than I’ve been privy to than just what I’ve seen. It’s not that she doesn’t want me to see her break down. Or, well, that’s exactly what it is, actually. She’s stoic and a protector. She feels the need to be my rock, so she has to always be strong.

But she was crying freely as she held me the entire time, uncaring that all the medical personnel could see her. That my mom could see her. (My mother had flown out as soon as I’d been admitted to the hospital the day before.) She didn’t care, and for that I am grateful. I needed her to be vulnerable in that moment, just as she needed herself to be vulnerable.

My heart hurts for the loss of our baby, but it hurts even more for the pain it causes my incredible wife. She’s been through so much and I just don’t understand how she can keep going after all of it. But she does, and for that I am so utterly grateful and in complete awe.

Camryn Rose. We decided on the name as I held her. “We should pick a name.” Claire spoke those words as she brushed a finger across our daughter’s paper-thin cheek. We’d discussed a few names, but Camryn really stuck out in that moment. She felt like a Camryn. And Rose in honor of Mama Rocío, Claire’s mother’s, memory.

After we said our goodbyes, I had to be taken to the OR for a cervical repair. It’s as nasty as it sounds. They stitched my cervix back into place, but only after they had to perform a D&C (where they remove the placenta). I was thankfully still numb from the epidural, but after that wore off, it was more pain.

The physical pain, as bad as it was, was nothing compared to the emotional pain I felt. The emotional pain I still feel, and will for a long, long time.

I can’t become pregnant again. There was too much damage to my cervix. I’d never be able to carry a baby to term, no matter how much precaution was taken. That’s something I have to make peace with, but that’s also going to take a long, long time.

The mental trauma of this miscarriage has left me raw and sensitive. The smallest thing can set me off into a sobbing mess. The thing that gets me most right now? Mirrors. Yes, mirrors. Or photographs of myself. Because, even 3+ weeks later, I still look pregnant. The body doesn’t magically morph back to its pre-pregnancy state after miscarriage. I still have the rounded belly (not quite as much now, but still there) and puffy cheeks. That will take a while to go away. So for now, mirrors/pictures of myself are the sworn enemy.

Claire is incredible. She’s grieving as much as I am, yet she’s been my rock this entire time. Her and my mother. And my dog. Sasha the GSD has not left my side since I returned home from the hospital. Dogs are incredible, and we don’t deserve them.

Therapy has been a godsend. I’m nowhere near okay or ‘back to normal,’ but I can function day-to-day, and that’s a huge improvement for me compared to two weeks ago. It seems like it’s been so much longer than just over two weeks. It seems like it’s been a lifetime. Getting through the next days, weeks, months, years… seems impossible at times.

My saving grace is my support system. In particular, five people. Claire, my mom, Sarah, my therapist, and @randomgirlusername (seriously, y’all, if you didn’t know how incredible she is, take my word for it--she’s been a literal life-saver and I cannot thank her enough). I have my bad days and I have my good days. All days are emotionally trying, but some are less painful than others. Those good days are all because of this support system that I have.

And on the bad days, my support system knows exactly how to help me cope. And for them, I’m eternally grateful. I don’t know where I’d be, mentally, without them.

I’m okay. Or, I will be, at least. Even though this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, I have the support system to get through it. And because of that, I know I’ll be okay. I know there will be hard days and not-so-hard days. I know it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine, but it also won’t be all stormy weather. I remind myself in those bad times that it won’t remain like this. I will feel joy and happiness again.

It will just take time to heal, physically and emotionally.

[solisluccile]

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[youveneverbeenalone]

Inktober for Writers/Fictober:

Day 22- Lost (Darejones)

Here’s the next installment. Still working on catching up, I promise. This fic fits with all the other things I have written which follow the canon of the show. Continuity-wise, they have been together for a bit, but Jess still hasn’t quite fully committed to being emotionally available yet. But she’s working on it. And things are looking up for her in that department. Prompt list here, just in case. Links to previous days at the bottom. Thank you so much for reading! I love you all!

Day 22- Lost

When he finally invites her to come along, she isn’t surprised. Honestly, she’s only surprised it took this long for him to ask. Maybe that means she should have offered first, but she’s still pretty damn proud she said yes at all. Because if there’s any place that’s a bummer to go at anytime, it’s the cemetery. And she’s not exactly jumping up and down at the prospect of being around him when he’s so emotional, but he’s still grieving and she remembers how much that sucks. Especially when doing it alone. So she agrees.

The cab ride over is a little tense, mostly because she’s incredibly anxious and unsure of herself. This is really not her strong suit - talking about feelings or offering supportive words. But she’s hoping he’s smart enough not to expect any from her. So she just stays silent, a calm presence at his elbow as they make the trek toward the grave. Stick’s grave.

She doesn’t know the whole story, but she knows the man was a stand-in father for Matt after his real father passed. And she knows enough about how it feels to lose something to know it’s probably best to wait for him to speak first. But when he does, she almost doesn’t hear him for how soft his voice is.

“I don’t really know how to feel. He could be a real bastard. But it was one of those things where he was ‘my’ bastard, you know? And even still, I loved him. More than he ever really knew. Or at least more than he was ever able to reciprocate. But I really did love him like a father.”

He bends and removes his glove to trace the lettering on the headstone. Still silent beside him, she bows her head and slides her hands into her pockets to give them something to do. Anything other than rubbing his shoulders or sliding into his hair. She doesn’t know where the urge even comes from, but it (thankfully) passes as he speaks again.

“He found me in the orphanage after my dad died. Said he’d been looking for me and that he knew about me and my abilities, though I have no idea how he could have. Anyway, he trained me to use my senses- taught me how to focus and filter them. And he also taught me how to fight. I was only nine at the time, and he still tried to tell me about the Hand and the Chaste and indoctrinate me. But it didn’t last long, because as soon as I showed him the slightest amount of affection, he bailed. And I didn’t see him again for years. Not until last year, actually. Did I ever tell you that?”

Her brows furrow because it sounds like this guy was a real piece of work - maybe even jockeying for a position alongside Trish’s mom.

“Well, did I ever tell you my horror stories about growing up with Trish’s mom? She may not have tried to brainwash me or turn me into a ninja before I hit puberty, but she was a real abusive bitch. We should compare notes sometime.”

He huffs a sigh that is almost a laugh. “Maybe.”

They both fall silent, little more noise than the breeze rustling the grass. She sneaks a look at him out of the corner of her eye and his expression is wistful and distant. After a beat, he stands and turns back to her, brows furrowed.

“Does it make sense that I miss him more than I hate him? Even after all the terrible things he did? Or tried to do?”

She exhales heavily and turns to look at nothing in particular over her left shoulder so she doesn’t have to look at his face. This is exactly the kind of conversation she is terrible at, the very thing she was trying to avoid. But at the same time, she knows he needs it. So she takes a breath and does it anyway.

“I mean… I’m not exactly the picture of sanity over here, but yeah, it makes sense to me. He was your only remaining family, shitty as he was. We’re wired to want that connection with other people, even if that means getting it from people who aren’t always supportive or caring.”

He cocks his head at her, eyebrow raised and mouth pursed. “That’s surprisingly insightful. Have you been holding out on me with some hidden wealth of psychological and philosophical knowledge, Jones?”

She scoffs to cover a laugh, and uses a put-upon exasperated tone. “Fuck you. Trish has spent a lot of money over the years going to therapists to undo all of the damage caused by her piece-of-shit mom. She may have shared a few insights along the way.”

He chuckles under his breath and nods. “Fair enough.” After another pause and a prayer uttered under his breath, he sighs. And as he turns to her, his expression is soft and gracious. “Thanks, Jess. For everything, but especially for just agreeing to come.”

She fights the ingrained impulse to roll her eyes and use sarcasm to guard against any kind of emotional exchange, if only because she knows that this is a moment. Something significant between them. And even as it terrifies her, a part of her wants - as she has never wanted anything else - to be with him in this moment.

She uses a tone that is intended to sound generally disinterested, but she’s hoping he can hear the honesty underlying it.

“Whatever. It’s not like I was doing anything more important, anyway. Not today, at least.”

And as he smirks at her, slow and bright, she thinks he heard her. For that she’s grateful, because seeing him smile like that while standing here, feet away from the grave of his stand-in father figure, helps her to feel a little less out to sea. As if she isn’t completely incapable of figuring out how to be with another person- to be supportive and caring and present through the difficult times as well as the good. And at that, an interesting thought strikes her.

Maybe she’s actually getting better.

And if so, maybe she can learn how to be with him without ruining either of their lives in the process. Maybe she can even learn how to talk about the people she’s lost. Something about the look he is giving her makes her think that’s something he is offering to do for her, and for reasons she is not prepared to name, part of her wants to take him up on it. But not today. Today is for him.

Today is for holding his hand on the cab ride home, for toning down her sarcasm just a smidge, and for being just a bit more emotionally present than normal. But a few days from now, after she’s had time to recover from today, maybe she will try to share some of her losses with him. Because she finally understands that there is something to be gained in that process.

Day 21 | Day 23

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Gaslighting: an explanation and example

When I first heard the term gaslighting, I didn’t quite understand what it meant. The explanations I read told me the term came from a play that included scenes of an abusive husband convincing his wife that she did not actually see the light waver in the gas lamps (which they, of course, would be doing), and over time, she came to question her own sanity and go mad.

But I had some trouble, still, fully understanding what the phrase meant fully. I could recognize it was a type of abuse, but I couldn’t quite pull everything together to properly explain it to other people (including my therapist, who knows the term but was curious how I defined it). 

Anyway, that led me down the path of thinking about times I had been gaslighted and also how I would explain gaslighting to someone using a possible real-world scenario. So, below, are my possible scenario, and under that, a real-life example of when I was gaslighted where I will annotate the behavior. 

(I am not a mental health professional; just a survivor trying to understand fully what was done to me. I offer this information as a way for others to understand abuse, not as medical advice. If you read this and think you may need to read more on gaslighting, I suggest The Gaslight Effect and encourage you to seek out a therapist or talk to your current therapist about your concerns.)

The example: 

Lily, who has earned an allowance her whole life by keeping her room neat and completing her homework, is told by her mother that to keep earning an allowance, she must also do the dishes every day. 

Lily takes over the dishes the next day. She scrubs all the plates, bowls, glasses, and flatware, then moves onto the pots and pans. The pots and pans are from the night before, and one pot has a hard crust on it. Lily has helped her mother with the dishes before, and so she does what she’s seen her mother do: She fills the pot with hot, soapy water, and leaves it to soak.

“I finished the dishes!” Lily tells her mother. “I’m going to go read in my room.”

“Okay,” Lily’s mother says. 

Lily goes to her room. A half-hour later, her mother hollers at her to come into the kitchen. Lily goes into the kitchen. Her mother is pointing at the soaking pot and is noticeably angry.

“What is this?”

Lily feels frightened and confused, but she takes a deep breath and says, “That’s one of the pots from last night. I couldn’t scrub it clean because the gunk was dried on, so I left it to soak.”

“This is <em>not</em> doing the dishes!” Lily’s mother says. “Doing the dishes means there are no dirty dishes left!”

Lily is further confused and frightened. She had simply copied behavior she had seen a hundred times. “But. I mean. It was caked on. It needed to soak. I figured that all the other dishes being done--”

“The dishes are not done unless ALL the dishes are done!” Lily’s mom yells. “You will not get your allowance this week if you cannot properly do the dishes. Go to your room.”

Lily mumbles an apology and retreats. In her room, she tries to figure out why her mother can leave a pan soaking and call the dishes done, but she is not allowed to. She remembers multiple times her mother left a dish soaking and said, “The dishes are done.” She cannot come up with any reason the rules should be different for her.

She thinks about it all night and all through the next day. There is another crusted-over pot on the counter, but rather than let it soak, Lily scrubs it out until it shines. It takes fifteen minutes, but she figures it’s worth it because now ALL the dishes are done.

“I finished all the dishes!” she tells her mother. “Even the pot!”

Her mother waves her away with no thanks or praise. Lily goes to her room. A half-hour later, she is hollered at to go into the kitchen. Her mother is waiting for her, a single, empty glass in her hand. Lily knows it was the glass her mother was drinking from when she was doing dishes.

“You said the dishes were done!” Lily’s mother says.

“They are,” Lily says, looking at the clean dishes.

Lily’s mother waves the empty glass. “You didn’t get this one.” 

“You were using it. I didn’t think it counted?”

“Well, it’s not CLEAN, is it?” Her mother thumps the glass into the sink. “Why is it so hard for you to do the dishes?”

Lily wants to fight back and argue that she HAD done the dishes, but she also doesn’t want to keep fighting. “I’m sorry,” she says. “I’ll do better next time.”

Her mother does not acknowledge her apology or offer any helpful words. She storms out of the room.

When Lily does the dishes the next day, she checks with her mother to see if the glass she is using is ready to be cleaned. 

“You can see it still has water in it. Why would I need it cleaned?”

Lily is confused, but she doesn’t want to start an argument. Instead, she goes back into the kitchen and dawdles until her mother finally brings the glass in.

“How long does it take to do a few dishes?” Lily’s mother asks and leaves the room before Lily can say anything. 

Lily washes the glass, places it in the drying rack, and goes to her room.

Her mother hollers at her to come to the kitchen and scolds her for not drying and putting away the dishes, saying the dishes are’t done if they’re still in the drying rack.

The next day, Lily dries and puts away the dishes. She is scolded for only using one towel to dry them and told to go back through the cupboards and re-dry all the dishes that are still damp.

The day after that, Lily uses two towels to make sure the dishes are fully dry before she puts them away. Her mother yells at her for wasting towels. 

The day after that, Lily uses only one towel again and wipes everything extra hard to make sure it’s dry. She is yelled at because there is a small amount of standing water in the dish rack that her mother had never mentioned before. 

This is gaslighting. No matter what you do, what concessions you make, your reality of how something should work or happen will be contradicted by the gaslighter. Directly contradicting the gaslighter will lead to bigger, louder, more brutal confrontations. Being passive to the gaslighter because you are simply trying to get away will lead to having abuse heaped on you as you struggle to stay calm. 

It is important to note that there is nothing wrong about being passive or defiant in these situations. People respond differently. I was defiant in the face of gaslighting. My sibling was passive. Neither of us did anything wrong in the first place, and our coping mechanisms also weren’t wrong. My sibling used the path of least resistance because then, at least, the abuse would eventually stop for a time. I fought back because I knew I wasn’t in the wrong, and that made the abuse last longer, but I was born a month early and spent nine days in an incubator while my lungs grew to match the level of my natural spite. I saw no reason not to put them to work to defend myself. 

That being said, let’s go to the real-life example:

My stepmother was a goddamn goblin. I first met her when I was four, and I can’t remember a time when it wasn’t clear she despised me and my sibling because our existence didn’t allow her to just be an adored wife to our bio-dad (whose handling of these situations--to ignore them--and other behaviors led me to completely disown him both emotionally and legally when I was a teenager). To say she hated us is to put it lightly. 

The summer I was 12, my stepmother and I were at a particularly brutal set of odds. My stepfather--also a fucking goblin--had died a week before the custody arrangement demanded I visit (my sibling came as well but will be absent from this story, as I wish to keep it solely in my own frame). I was confused beyond words. He had been a terrible person, but he was also the most stable father figure I’d had in my life, which is to say he was around way more than my bio-dad and remembered my fucking birthday (the bar was not high).

The entire time I had been visiting--from the first NIGHT, two days after the funeral--my stepmother had been on a tear. 

“I can’t believe you’re grieving. He was a terrible person. You know how abusive he was. You know what he was like. Why would you grieve him? Why?”

I didn’t answer questions like that, simply stared at my bio-dad to FUCKING DO SOMETHING. He did nothing, emotional neglect directly to my face his preferred goblin activity. 

My stepmother and I spent a lot of that summer screaming at each other, but it came to a really special head the day of the great Door Debacle. 

Cue incoming annotations.

I was in the kitchen cleaning something (the list of chores never ended), and I threw away something. The trash can was kept in a small closet, and when I went to shut the door, my hand slipped, and the door slammed a little. 

My stepmother came into the room. “WHY ARE YOU SLAMMING DOORS?” (1) Coming in angry to throw the abused person into a fear response. 2) Using a plural when it was clearly a singular situation to question my reality.)

I was determined not to fight with her that day. “My hand slipped as I was closing the trash closet, and it slammed. I’m sorry. (3) Abuse victim provides reasonable explanation (apology optional, but I was trying to stop this shit before it started)).

“WHY ARE YOU SLAMMING DOORS?” (4) Explanation and apology ignored because this is about the abuser feeling power, not about taking active participation in a real conversation. 5) Staying angry. 6) Again with the plural to make me question my reality.)

“My hand slipped. The door slammed. It won’t happen again.” (7) Abuse victim tries again to insert reason into the situation. As a defiant abuse victim, this was the moment I knew it was going to be a fight no matter what and prepped myself.)

“YOU’RE SLAMMING DOORS BECAUSE YOU’RE MAD AT ME.” (8) Gaslighter creates a new reality and will not deviate no matter what the victim does or says. Until the victim agrees to the new reality, the gaslighter will keep insisting on the new reality.)

I literally don’t remember the details of what happened after she said that. I remember her saying it, and then I whited-out (literally; when I get angry enough, there’s a white wash across my eyes as everything except my defense mechanisms take over; the same things happen when I have a panic attack). I know we screamed at each other at length until my bio-dad finally tried to break us up, and I screamed in his face I wanted to leave. I absolutely refused to give up the actual truth of the situation (the door had slipped), and my stepmother kept calling me a liar and saying I was just trying to start a fight (absolutely not true). 

In the end, I went back to my mother’s house the next day with my stepmother and bio-dad having tried to guilt me into staying (my bio-dad by saying I wouldn’t see my grandparents (which he drove me to every summer) that year, and then my stepmother telling me I was stressing out my bio-dad, and he had enough to worry about with my grandfather dying (he had just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s and didn’t pass away until I was 19).

I hope these examples have helped. I say again, if you read this and feel familiarity, please speak with your therapist or look into finding a therapist. If getting a therapist isn’t an option, consider journaling your memories so you can see what you remember versus what you were told happened. And again, I do recommend The Gaslight Effect. 

[battybat-boss]

Survivor Of Elite Child Sex Slavery Discloses Her Incredible Escape & Her Healing Journey

One of the reasons that first-hand information about the true nature of elite Satanic ritual abuse and pedophilia is so rare is that child sex slaves are destined to be killed off–brought to the chopping block, in the case of Anneke Lucas and the elite Belgian pedophile ring she was ensnared in–once they were no longer useful to the network and their continued existence posed a threat.

What makes it all the more remarkable that Anneke Lucas was removed from the butcher's block mere moments before she would be killed was the fact that those in the network who knew her as intelligent, defiant, and powerful–even at the age of eleven–must have had some concerns that at some point, she may recover enough from her trauma to expose the network and its heinous Satanic practices.

After all, she had been trained to understand the nature of the desires of these men, desires that she came to see as grounded in childhood trauma and the inability on the part of these men to grow up emotionally or to feel any real connection with others. The video clip below from CE's exclusive 4-part interview with Anneke being launched on January 17 describes a portion of the training she was forced to go through:

You can register here to watch the riveting 4-part series.

Her Escape

One could argue that her knowledge and her innate psychic strength was ultimately, if indirectly, what saved her. One of her last perpetrators, a young man who had both been intensely intimate and immensely violent with her over the course of an atypical year-long relationship, was done with her. The perpetrator she called 'the gangster' felt their engagement had 'reached its zenith,' and indicated that she shouldn't look to him for any help. He welcomed whatever fate the network, who no longer had any use for her, now had in store for her. In response to his indignation, Anneke was able to look at him defiantly and somehow enter into a 'psychic lock' with him in which she angrily projected the thought 'I don't need you!' As Anneke explains more vividly in the interview, this experience seemed to have a noticeable emotional impact on him.

However, by this time Anneke had already been ushered to a handler, the sadistic 'butcher' who would perform the final act. Anneke was put on a butcher's block that was blackened by the blood of the many children that had come before her. She began getting tortured by young children who were being forced to participate against their natural instincts with small implements like fish hooks and penknives. The handler had just ordered a young boy to retrieve a cleaver to chop her foot off, and this is what happened next:

“…and then the door opened, and I'm thinking, now there's the boy with the cleaver, now they're going to hack off my foot, but it was somebody else, it was one of the friends of the Boss, who said 'It's over.' And the handler was in disbelief, he said 'No, you can't be serious.' He [Boss' friend] said, 'Yup, that's it. You can all go.' And the handler said 'She's gonna give us trouble.' He had no power there, so he and the children left…

I was taken to an office, there was the Boss of the network, the gangster, the friend who had stopped the–who was like a lawyer type–and the girl, she was there, this girl was maybe 9 years old, 8 or 9, I think 9, I hadn't seen her before, but I remember what she looks like. Now, the Boss of the network starts to speak, and he says 'You know, so you were saved, you were let go, but we don't just do that here, you can't just leave, someone has to die. So,' he said, 'is it going to be you, or is it going to be her?' And that was the girl.”

What happened from this truly life and death choice she was forced to make is a most extraordinary set of experiences that saw Anneke get through this final ordeal and on a path to freedom. I feel you will only be able to get a full understanding of these experiences by listening to Anneke describe them in the interview. Suffice it to say here that the only reason that she even had the chance to be free at all was because she had evoked some true connection with the perpetrator she called 'the gangster,' who would pay dearly for his 'sign of weakness' within the network, as she describes here:

“I noticed that the gangster had always gotten a lot of respect and I noticed that they were sort of derisive of him, not caring so much about him, they were sort of laughing at him, and I immediately noticed the difference…I overheard men saying that he had sold his life, and for what? For that little whore? And I just started to question him and I realized that he made a deal while I was being tortured, he made a deal with the Boss that he was going to work for them, work for him, as his left-hand man or whatever, he was going to be at his service so he lost his power in the network because he became a servant of the Boss, for my life.”

Her Healing Journey

Register to watch our exclusive 4-part interview series with Anneke.

Anneke tells us that any sign of compassion or humanity is seen as a sign of weakness within the network. The perpetrator who had made a deal to save Anneke's life, as it turns out, was killed not so long after. But it was not before he had given Anneke a list of what she needed to do in order to survive–how and where she should live, what she should do, and what she should not do, with particular emphasis on the point that 'you should never speak about the network. If you ever say anything then we're going to come after you. And we're going to find you and kill you.'

Ironically, speaking about her very experiences in the network, years later and in the private chambers of a trusted therapist, at first, was the start of Anneke's healing journey. She had moved from Belgium to France, then London, Paris, New York, Los Angeles, and then back to New York, when she met a psychotherapist that would help her change her life.

I found a therapist who, even though she didn't, she wasn't an expert in this kind of work, she was open, and I started to, I started to get into the feeling, the feelings, from the horror, the horror of certain things that I'd witnessed and that I'd experienced, but it was mostly the horror, the pain with mostly for others, not so much for myself, it was for the other children. And the betrayal, because I was so attached to these father figures.

And so, to move from the perspective that they were my father and that they were this person who loved me so much, to move from that perspective of the child to the perspective of the adult, who sees the abuse and who takes everything into consideration, that is the journey of healing: from the child's perspective, to connect with all the feelings that have had to be split off in order to keep that image alive of that person and then these split-off feelings, they have their own life, disconnected from the source, and then you know I was constantly in some kind of part of my trauma story, always re-experiencing these feelings but not really connected, so with the therapy and the specific connecting of the feelings with the original cause, when that happened, when I was grieving in therapy for what had actually happened, first of all I knew that it had happened, I didn't have to wonder if it was real or not, and I also knew a lot more, because I understood, I was learning everything I saw, everything that I had done before, that was separate, you know, how these feelings had gone into other places, and I was seeing how I had been repeating these, and I was seeing how I was now different, actually cellularly different, from the integration that was occurring, that I didn't just feel more whole, but I was actually a different person looking out of different eyes, and people were responding differently to me.

As one will note by the candor and equanimity with which Anneke Lucas speaks as she describes her experiences of extreme darkness and light, she is the model of a person who has found a path to healing that can serve as an inspiration to us all.

The Takeaway

Humanity's hope for a collective evolution rests on our ability and willingness to examine and process the darkness that is embedded within our collective consciousness. The testimony of Anneke Lucas in the exclusive 4-part interview series with CE will be launching on January 17th, and it is sure to be a great catalyst for our awakening to the truth as well as a healing salve that gives us great hope for a future of light and harmony on the planet.

>>>Click here to register your spot to watch the 4-part interview series with Anneke Lucas

[roseangelx]

Semi-Coherent Thoughts on The Lying Detective

I will start by saying that the most recent episode of Sherlock is one of my favourites - definitely in my Top 5, possibly even in my Top 3. I’ll also point out that I realised it had become one of my favourites about an hour into it, before everything that happened in the end happened. I liked The Six Thatchers, I think I mentioned, but this one was a huge step up and I was gripped from the start. 

Like last week, this is less of a review and more of a list of thoughts on the episode that are not particularly well-structured or coherent. It’s also stupidly long, but I have dot point summaries, so don’t worry!

Grief

I read a quote from an interview last week where one of the writers mentioned that they wanted to do grief properly in this episode, and I definitely think they succeeded. We didn’t really see John grieving after Sherlock’s death - more of it was focussed on the anger and hurt that came with Sherlock’s return. I was so glad that his emotional response to Mary’s death was not glossed over. The way he behaved and the way he spoke was entirely believable - which, yes, includes him beating Sherlock up, though it most certainly doesn’t justify it. That scene was heart-shattering as well because of Sherlock’s own grief, and his guilt. He blamed himself for Mary’s death, and so did John. He let John hurt him because he thought he deserved it. 

I loved that John was also talking to the Mary inside his head (hereafter referred to as Mental Mary). From a storytelling standpoint, I thought it was an exceptionally clever idea. John doesn’t like talking about his feelings, we know this. As he said in The Empty Hearse, that sort of conversation is something he finds difficult. That he could talk to Mental Mary was a brilliant way of getting around it, letting us see the kind of things that he was keeping bottled up, and also letting us see the moment at the end when he was able to start letting her go. He’s still grieving, he’s still got a lot way to go, but at the end, he was able to forgive Sherlock, to recognise that Sherlock was not to blame for Mary’s death, and in doing so, he’s finally opened the door, ready to slowly, slowly start moving on. 

I have an especial love for Mental Mary in her final scene, telling John to stay and talk to Sherlock - and in doing so, letting us know that he truthfully wanted to stay, but was struggling with it, because there was so much pent up emotion there and he knew that it would all come out if he stayed. And it did. He told Sherlock about the “affair” and fell apart, and then there was the hug, which was everything I wanted in the episode. It’s the one scene that has been screenshotted and gifed more than anything else at this point, and for good reason. They both needed that. 

I’m in constant awe of Martin Freeman’s acting, and this episode was no exception. Combine this with his reaction to Mary’s death in the last episode, and I definitely think he deserves an award. 

tl;dr:

I loved the portrayal of John’s grief

I adored Mental Mary as it allowed us to get inside John’s head and see the things he’d never say out loud

The hug. That is all. 

Martin Freeman deserves all the awards

Drug Use

I have quite a lot of thoughts regarding Sherlock’s drug use, and a lot of them aren’t quite fully-formed, so I apologise in advance if this particular section is incoherent.

I spent most of this week rewatching some of the Sherlock commentaries from the first couple of seasons, as a way of tiding myself over before today’s episode. During the A Study in Pink commentary, Moffat and Gatiss actually discuss Sherlock’s drug use, very briefly. In the ACD canon, Sherlock Holmes doesn’t use when on cases, or when emotionally distraught, but when he is bored. It’s a stimulant to stop his brain from rotting - he needs cases, and if he doesn’t have a case, he needs something else. Moffat and Gatiss mentioned that they disliked adaptations where Holmes goes and uses while on a case, because it was completely inconsistent with the canon. 

With this in mind, I was a little unsure about how they were going to approach this episode. I knew this episode would involve drug use, and given the commentary, that didn’t make sense. Having seen the episode now, I think it does make sense, because there was an explanation on top of the emotional distress caused by Mary’s death and the guilt. Sherlock using was part of a plan, a plan to save John Watson by making John Watson save him, and that makes his use a little more believable.

I’m not dismissing the emotional aspect of it - Sherlock was very, very distraught, and it seems likely to me that, while his original decision to use might have been motivated, in part, by Mary’s message, the fact that he spiralled so deeply out of control definitely wasn’t part of the plan. But, that’s the thing about drugs, isn’t it. You can’t plan. And Sherlock certainly has a road to recovery ahead of him that is not going to be easy by any means.

Moving past motives to the actual portrayal of a high Sherlock Holmes - I loved it. I loved that even high, Sherlock is still making deductions, but can’t quite catch up to his own head, knowing that something is important but not knowing why. I loved the entire sequence with Sherlock losing time, going from the middle of the road to Baker Street, walking on walls and taking “high as a kite” to an almost literal definition. I’m impressed by the portrayal of it. 

tl;dr

I liked that there was an explanation for the drug use beyond just the emotional distress (i.e. it was, in the beginning, all part of a plan), because otherwise it would seem inconsistent with the ACD canon

The emotional distress still played a part and my heart goes out to Sherlock 

The actual portrayal of Sherlock on drugs was very clever and very well done 

Relationships

First, let’s discuss the unexpected relationship that was Mycroft and Lady Smallwood. I recognise that a lot of people are dissatisfied, because Mycroft is most commonly shipped with Lestrade. I’m not personally a Mystrade shipper (I confess to shipping Molly and Lestrade, actually), but I have had Mycroft headcanoned as aromantic for the previous few series. Well, that’s a lie. I was torn between headcanoning him as aromantic or believing that he has had experiences that have given him reason to believe that “caring is not an advantage” - though typically my aromantic headcanon wins out. Still, I found Mycroft’s confusion in the scene incredibly endearing. I’m accepting of the pairing. 

The other relationship, or at least, idea of a relationship, that stands out to me in this episode is Sherlock and Irene. This is a pairing that I’m not quite so accepting on. I mean no offence to anyone who does ship them together, but - Irene is canonically gay, and I cannot accept the idea that Sherlock is straight, not with quotes such as “Girlfriend? No, not really my area” and “The fairer sex is your department, Watson”. I know it’s likely that this is all queerbaiting, but I’d rather hold onto the idea that the things Sherlock says are actually reflective of his character. 

I’m entirely accepting of the idea that Irene would infrequently text Sherlock. I’m not surprised by this at all. I’m also not surprised that John would think that means something more than it does. But, I’m going to hold onto the idea that these texts are flirting that Irene does not expect or want to lead to any sort of actual romantic entanglement. 

I will say that I loved John’s speech on the matter, though, which sounded to me like he was telling Sherlock that he deserved to be loved and to be with someone and that he shouldn’t wait until it’s too late. 

Just while we’re on the subject of relationships, I’m very pleased to know that John’s “affair” was no more than texting. The John Watson we know would not let it go any further than that. The idea that John Watson would even accept the number of another woman is still a bit out of character, but I suppose we all do silly things - especially if your best friend and your wife live insane lives and you want some sort of normality. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that the pretty girl on the bus wasn’t normal, either. 

tl;dr

Mycroft not knowing how to respond to Lady Smallwood is adorable 

Sherlock and Irene definitely text (or, at least, Irene texts, Sherlock receives) but neither of them are romantically or sexually attracted to each other, because they don’t swing that way

I can forgive John for texting another woman more than I’d have been able to had he done more with her 

Eurus

Here was something I did not expect. I know we all expected the lady on the bus to be more than who she said she was, and I know many people worked out that she and the “Lady in Red” (who we now know to be Fake Faith) were the same person just from the trailers and promo pics, but I did not expect this turn of events. I’m actually very excited about the matter - I assume Eurus will be the villain of the final episode, and it’s about time we had a female villain, especially one as fascinating as her. 

It’s already clear that Eurus is incredibly clever. She’s a master of disguise, for one thing, but it’s more than that. Sherlock was able to predict, two weeks in advance, which therapist John would go to and which appointment he would take. Eurus was able to make the same deduction even earlier, and take the therapist’s place. She was able to fool Sherlock (and yes, she had the advantage of him being as high as a kite, but all the same), and maybe even Mycroft, if he doesn’t know what she’s been up to. 

People are making predictions, based on the line “people always stop after three”, that Eurus isn’t the only secret sibling, and maybe she’s not Sherrinford. I’m undecided as to what I think of this theory. It’s an interesting idea, and it makes sense, as far as the fact that we know Mycroft is supposedly keeping tabs on Sherrinford and said earlier “Sherrinford is secure”. However, it’s also making the explanation a lot more convoluted - Occam’s Razor says Eurus is Sherrinford. Or, alternatively, that Sherrinford isn’t a person at all - a friend of mine just suggested the possibility that Sherrinford might actually be a facility where Eurus was meant to be residing, hence it needing to be ‘secure’. Either explanation, I’m very, very excited to see what she’s like in this next episode. And by excited I mean terrified. 

tl;dr

Eurus might be the cleverest Holmes sibling we’ve met yet

It remains unclear whether Eurus is Sherrinford or if there are two missing siblings or if Sherrinford is not a person’s name but a place name - but either way, it’s exciting 

Other Thoughts

Mrs Hudson is easily my favourite part of the episode. I think we’re all in agreement of that. 

I loved that Sherlock made sure to take twisted, turning paths when he was walking with Fake Faith/Eurus with the sole purpose of writing a message to his brother, who he knew would be tracking him. He does love to be dramatic. 

The hug. Let’s just talk about the hug again. Thank you for that.

Who was taking care of Rosie? Given we know that at one point John was in therapy, Sherlock was in the boot of Mrs Hudson’s car, and Molly was en route in an ambulance, I’m going to say it was Lestrade

I really liked the way suicide was spoken about in the episode

Culverton Smith was a terrifying villain, though not in the same way as Magnussen, for which I’m very relieved, because I still cannot watch the scene in HLV where Magnussen flicks John’s face and I don’t know if I could have dealt with another Magnussen 

I loved this episode, full stop.  

[josephkgutierrez]

Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape

In this #METOO era, dating isn’t easy, because many women are dealing with sexual assault and childhood rape while trying their best to find true love. Having said that, there are several useful strategies for healing from your trauma.

Enlightened D.I.V.As grieve, heal and move on.

Your trauma needs to be acknowledged and healed in order to heal love blocks. Therefore, you can consult with a certified love coach like Shay Levister to heal and prepare for receiving true love. Just tell your coach or counselor everything you went through so that they are equipped to help you heal your trauma. Grieving over what happened to you is understandable, but you do not want to allow it to disable you from fully experiencing all that life has to offer. With healing, you will discover that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will become Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

I understand that not everyone wants to share their traumatic experience with their family and friends. Many women do not talk about the childhood rape that they experienced until they are much older. Many people open up and seek help when life isn’t working for them.

That being said, it doesn’t necessarily mean you also have to tell your family and friends about your trauma. Sometimes the truth is like a brutal sword that can hurt your family members’ hearts in a very cruel way. Therefore, I actually don’t recommend telling your family and close friends about your trauma if you don’t feel safe doing it. Let your strength grow and your inner guidance direct when it is the right time to tell the people closest to you.

Usually, when you have told a professional coach or therapist about the sexual assault or childhood rape you experienced, your trauma is ready to be released. It is your choice to motivate yourself to use your trauma as strength that can help you be a great role model for others or a powerful creator in your life. It takes one instant to change your state of experiencing your traumatic memories. This instant happens when you make the decision to take your power back.

You will know that you are healed when you no longer allow your traumatic memories to create negative emotions within you. Emotion is the seed of creation. You cannot create good in your life when you are standing in negative, painful emotions. Healing releases debilitating emotions and empowers you to turn your pain into power.

As a result, I highly encourage you to find some time for yourself and do the work to heal before seeking love. Fall in love with yourself. Repeat your daily empowering affirmations. Listen to meditations that heal and journal your journey to healing. Tell your trauma and violator that they will no longer control you! Eventually you will find that the cloud of pain that has controlled your life for so long is no longer there.

As a part of your healing process, I encourage you to practice self-love and care. Incorporate healing baths into your healing journey. You can take a bath with lavender essential oil. As you sit in the warm water, visualize all of the toxins in your body & mind leaving you and going down the drain.

Never underestimate the power of visualization.

After the bath, you can spray some topical magnesium oil on your skin which energizes your body instantly.

Repeat daily that you love yourself as you look into the mirror first thing in the morning. Repeat “I love you _ (say your name)!” the number of times of your age. If you are 40, repeat “I love you _” forty times! Throughout the day, repeat the affirmation of the day that pops up from your Cup of Love App.

Leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

Do you know why people like Oprah Winfrey and Lewis Howes are successful? One reason for their success is their Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). By that I mean they have become successful in spite of the trauma, because of the trauma.

A growth-driven person uses tribulations to their advantage. Even if what happened to them is totally horrific, growth-driven individuals still find a way to make things work for their advantage.

Oprah Winfrey is the most famous rape survivor who has made it. She is wealthy, successful and influential, even though her past was like a painful horror story. Therefore, Oprah is the most inspiring person in America.

There are various ways to leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) like many famous rape survivors have done:

Schedule “learning time” in your calendar every week. For example, you can spend 2 hours every Saturday listening to ‘Healing Childhood Rape and Sexual Trauma’ from one of the Positive Mind Meditation​© audios created by Shay Levister. When you fill your mind with new programming, healing and transformation can take place. The trauma no longer has power over you because the memories have been rewritten by the positive messages given to your subconscious mind. Positive Mind Meditations​© rewrite painful programming so that you are empowered to move on with your life.

Another option to add to the Positive Mind Meditation​© is reading or studying an online program. When your brain is constantly learning something positive, there won’t be enough space for negative things. It’s just like when you grow a garden full of beautiful roses, there isn’t enough space for ugly grass anymore. Give yourself the gift of a new life. There are plenty of resources on ShayBetter.com that can help you do just that. Remember to fill your brain with good information and see your life unfold in the most beautiful way.

Give your trauma meaning. Your trauma is an unfortunate event that should have never happened. The person who committed the offense was wrong and will have to answer for their offense. You have chosen to take your power back and use your trauma to your advantage. If you trust that “ALL things work together for your good,” then you can trust that your trauma is not your story. You are not defined by it. You are much more. Your victory and strength that were born from the trauma, is your story. Once you have healed your trauma, tell your story with pride and encourage others to be released from the bondage of their pain.

Surround yourself with like-minded people. If you want to become successful, you have to meet successful people. That means if your existing social circle are full of people with a low vibration energy, you have to leave this social circle. If a family member is a toxic person, you need to try your best to leave this family member as well (or at least set clear boundaries with them). In other words, when your family and friends are negatively affecting your life, you should figure out a way to protect your own energy by leaving (Yes, I said “family”, too.) I know setting boundaries with your family members is hard, but it has to be done, especially when a family member is an energy vampire. Once you’ve decided what kind of life you would like to create, intentionally select and allow only the right people who will support you on this journey.

Find a Certified Love Coach. Not everyone can afford to hire a certified love coach. I understand that. But if you can, you should invest in coaching with a trained and certified love coach who has a track record for success. Here is why: You are worth not playing Russian Roulette with your love life. There is a code to understanding the dating game. Why not invest in the most important aspect of your life, your love life and get scientifically proven guidance that will help you avoid the pitfalls of dating. Skip years of dating games men play and attract your soulmate in a short period of time as you heal and become a better you. Dating or marrying the wrong person can be very expensive financially and emotionally. Invest in yourself upfront so that you can enjoy your best life in the end. My clients see the value in having a coach and as a result, they are able to make life-transforming changes in their lives that equips them for attracting true love.

Do what makes you happy.

Instead of dwelling on the past, you would be well-advised to do what actually makes you happy. Now let me ask you, “What makes you happy?” Then you should go do that.

Maybe your answer is, “Singing makes me happy”. Then you should totally go to karaoke this weekend.

Perhaps your answer is, “Going to the beach makes me happy”. Then you need to go to the beach as soon as possible.

Life is short. Have some fun every day.

Enjoying fun and pleasure is your birthright. When I say “pleasure”, I’m not talking about s*x only. In fact, I’m talking about anything that brings you joy.

Never underestimate the power of joy.

When you feel joy, your body releases nitric oxide which is like the very breath of life.

Do you know what lights up a firefly? The answer is nitric oxide. Yes, that’s how powerful it is.

Since my blog is about using scientifically proven methods to help women, I’d like to tell you that fear depletes nitric oxide. So, if you’ve been living in fear because of sexual assault or childhood rape, it’s time to reclaim pleasure because you deserve joy.

And remember: joy leads to more joy. Take the first step towards healing from sexual assault and childhood rape by getting the book: ‘The Science of Attracting Love’ and the companion Positive Meditation Audios that help create lifetime healing! 

The post Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape appeared first on Shay Better.

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[thomasrsims]

Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape

In this #METOO era, dating isn’t easy, because many women are dealing with sexual assault and childhood rape while trying their best to find true love. Having said that, there are several useful strategies for healing from your trauma.

Enlightened D.I.V.As grieve, heal and move on.

Your trauma needs to be acknowledged and healed in order to heal love blocks. Therefore, you can consult with a certified love coach like Shay Levister to heal and prepare for receiving true love. Just tell your coach or counselor everything you went through so that they are equipped to help you heal your trauma. Grieving over what happened to you is understandable, but you do not want to allow it to disable you from fully experiencing all that life has to offer. With healing, you will discover that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will become Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

I understand that not everyone wants to share their traumatic experience with their family and friends. Many women do not talk about the childhood rape that they experienced until they are much older. Many people open up and seek help when life isn’t working for them.

That being said, it doesn’t necessarily mean you also have to tell your family and friends about your trauma. Sometimes the truth is like a brutal sword that can hurt your family members’ hearts in a very cruel way. Therefore, I actually don’t recommend telling your family and close friends about your trauma if you don’t feel safe doing it. Let your strength grow and your inner guidance direct when it is the right time to tell the people closest to you.

Usually, when you have told a professional coach or therapist about the sexual assault or childhood rape you experienced, your trauma is ready to be released. It is your choice to motivate yourself to use your trauma as strength that can help you be a great role model for others or a powerful creator in your life. It takes one instant to change your state of experiencing your traumatic memories. This instant happens when you make the decision to take your power back.

You will know that you are healed when you no longer allow your traumatic memories to create negative emotions within you. Emotion is the seed of creation. You cannot create good in your life when you are standing in negative, painful emotions. Healing releases debilitating emotions and empowers you to turn your pain into power.

As a result, I highly encourage you to find some time for yourself and do the work to heal before seeking love. Fall in love with yourself. Repeat your daily empowering affirmations. Listen to meditations that heal and journal your journey to healing. Tell your trauma and violator that they will no longer control you! Eventually you will find that the cloud of pain that has controlled your life for so long is no longer there.

As a part of your healing process, I encourage you to practice self-love and care. Incorporate healing baths into your healing journey. You can take a bath with lavender essential oil. As you sit in the warm water, visualize all of the toxins in your body & mind leaving you and going down the drain.

Never underestimate the power of visualization.

After the bath, you can spray some topical magnesium oil on your skin which energizes your body instantly.

Repeat daily that you love yourself as you look into the mirror first thing in the morning. Repeat “I love you _ (say your name)!” the number of times of your age. If you are 40, repeat “I love you _” forty times! Throughout the day, repeat the affirmation of the day that pops up from your Cup of Love App.

Leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

Do you know why people like Oprah Winfrey and Lewis Howes are successful? One reason for their success is their Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). By that I mean they have become successful in spite of the trauma, because of the trauma.

A growth-driven person uses tribulations to their advantage. Even if what happened to them is totally horrific, growth-driven individuals still find a way to make things work for their advantage.

Oprah Winfrey is the most famous rape survivor who has made it. She is wealthy, successful and influential, even though her past was like a painful horror story. Therefore, Oprah is the most inspiring person in America.

There are various ways to leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) like many famous rape survivors have done:

Schedule “learning time” in your calendar every week. For example, you can spend 2 hours every Saturday listening to ‘Healing Childhood Rape and Sexual Trauma’ from one of the Positive Mind Meditation​© audios created by Shay Levister. When you fill your mind with new programming, healing and transformation can take place. The trauma no longer has power over you because the memories have been rewritten by the positive messages given to your subconscious mind. Positive Mind Meditations​© rewrite painful programming so that you are empowered to move on with your life.

Another option to add to the Positive Mind Meditation​© is reading or studying an online program. When your brain is constantly learning something positive, there won’t be enough space for negative things. It’s just like when you grow a garden full of beautiful roses, there isn’t enough space for ugly grass anymore. Give yourself the gift of a new life. There are plenty of resources on ShayBetter.com that can help you do just that. Remember to fill your brain with good information and see your life unfold in the most beautiful way.

Give your trauma meaning. Your trauma is an unfortunate event that should have never happened. The person who committed the offense was wrong and will have to answer for their offense. You have chosen to take your power back and use your trauma to your advantage. If you trust that “ALL things work together for your good,” then you can trust that your trauma is not your story. You are not defined by it. You are much more. Your victory and strength that were born from the trauma, is your story. Once you have healed your trauma, tell your story with pride and encourage others to be released from the bondage of their pain.

Surround yourself with like-minded people. If you want to become successful, you have to meet successful people. That means if your existing social circle are full of people with a low vibration energy, you have to leave this social circle. If a family member is a toxic person, you need to try your best to leave this family member as well (or at least set clear boundaries with them). In other words, when your family and friends are negatively affecting your life, you should figure out a way to protect your own energy by leaving (Yes, I said “family”, too.) I know setting boundaries with your family members is hard, but it has to be done, especially when a family member is an energy vampire. Once you’ve decided what kind of life you would like to create, intentionally select and allow only the right people who will support you on this journey.

Find a Certified Love Coach. Not everyone can afford to hire a certified love coach. I understand that. But if you can, you should invest in coaching with a trained and certified love coach who has a track record for success. Here is why: You are worth not playing Russian Roulette with your love life. There is a code to understanding the dating game. Why not invest in the most important aspect of your life, your love life and get scientifically proven guidance that will help you avoid the pitfalls of dating. Skip years of dating games men play and attract your soulmate in a short period of time as you heal and become a better you. Dating or marrying the wrong person can be very expensive financially and emotionally. Invest in yourself upfront so that you can enjoy your best life in the end. My clients see the value in having a coach and as a result, they are able to make life-transforming changes in their lives that equips them for attracting true love.

Do what makes you happy.

Instead of dwelling on the past, you would be well-advised to do what actually makes you happy. Now let me ask you, “What makes you happy?” Then you should go do that.

Maybe your answer is, “Singing makes me happy”. Then you should totally go to karaoke this weekend.

Perhaps your answer is, “Going to the beach makes me happy”. Then you need to go to the beach as soon as possible.

Life is short. Have some fun every day.

Enjoying fun and pleasure is your birthright. When I say “pleasure”, I’m not talking about s*x only. In fact, I’m talking about anything that brings you joy.

Never underestimate the power of joy.

When you feel joy, your body releases nitric oxide which is like the very breath of life.

Do you know what lights up a firefly? The answer is nitric oxide. Yes, that’s how powerful it is.

Since my blog is about using scientifically proven methods to help women, I’d like to tell you that fear depletes nitric oxide. So, if you’ve been living in fear because of sexual assault or childhood rape, it’s time to reclaim pleasure because you deserve joy.

And remember: joy leads to more joy. Take the first step towards healing from sexual assault and childhood rape by getting the book: ‘The Science of Attracting Love’ and the companion Positive Meditation Audios that help create lifetime healing! 

The post Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape appeared first on Shay Better.

Source: https://shaybetter.com/tips-for-healing-from-sexual-assault-and-childhood-rape/

from The Shay Better https://shayyourlovecoach.wordpress.com/2019/10/21/tips-for-healing-from-sexual-assault-and-childhood-rape/

[galejespino]

Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape

In this #METOO era, dating isn’t easy, because many women are dealing with sexual assault and childhood rape while trying their best to find true love. Having said that, there are several useful strategies for healing from your trauma.

Enlightened D.I.V.As grieve, heal and move on.

Your trauma needs to be acknowledged and healed in order to heal love blocks. Therefore, you can consult with a certified love coach like Shay Levister to heal and prepare for receiving true love. Just tell your coach or counselor everything you went through so that they are equipped to help you heal your trauma. Grieving over what happened to you is understandable, but you do not want to allow it to disable you from fully experiencing all that life has to offer. With healing, you will discover that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will become Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

I understand that not everyone wants to share their traumatic experience with their family and friends. Many women do not talk about the childhood rape that they experienced until they are much older. Many people open up and seek help when life isn’t working for them.

That being said, it doesn’t necessarily mean you also have to tell your family and friends about your trauma. Sometimes the truth is like a brutal sword that can hurt your family members’ hearts in a very cruel way. Therefore, I actually don’t recommend telling your family and close friends about your trauma if you don’t feel safe doing it. Let your strength grow and your inner guidance direct when it is the right time to tell the people closest to you.

Usually, when you have told a professional coach or therapist about the sexual assault or childhood rape you experienced, your trauma is ready to be released. It is your choice to motivate yourself to use your trauma as strength that can help you be a great role model for others or a powerful creator in your life. It takes one instant to change your state of experiencing your traumatic memories. This instant happens when you make the decision to take your power back.

You will know that you are healed when you no longer allow your traumatic memories to create negative emotions within you. Emotion is the seed of creation. You cannot create good in your life when you are standing in negative, painful emotions. Healing releases debilitating emotions and empowers you to turn your pain into power.

As a result, I highly encourage you to find some time for yourself and do the work to heal before seeking love. Fall in love with yourself. Repeat your daily empowering affirmations. Listen to meditations that heal and journal your journey to healing. Tell your trauma and violator that they will no longer control you! Eventually you will find that the cloud of pain that has controlled your life for so long is no longer there.

As a part of your healing process, I encourage you to practice self-love and care. Incorporate healing baths into your healing journey. You can take a bath with lavender essential oil. As you sit in the warm water, visualize all of the toxins in your body & mind leaving you and going down the drain.

Never underestimate the power of visualization.

After the bath, you can spray some topical magnesium oil on your skin which energizes your body instantly.

Repeat daily that you love yourself as you look into the mirror first thing in the morning. Repeat “I love you _ (say your name)!” the number of times of your age. If you are 40, repeat “I love you _” forty times! Throughout the day, repeat the affirmation of the day that pops up from your Cup of Love App.

Leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

Do you know why people like Oprah Winfrey and Lewis Howes are successful? One reason for their success is their Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). By that I mean they have become successful in spite of the trauma, because of the trauma.

A growth-driven person uses tribulations to their advantage. Even if what happened to them is totally horrific, growth-driven individuals still find a way to make things work for their advantage.

Oprah Winfrey is the most famous rape survivor who has made it. She is wealthy, successful and influential, even though her past was like a painful horror story. Therefore, Oprah is the most inspiring person in America.

There are various ways to leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) like many famous rape survivors have done:

Schedule “learning time” in your calendar every week. For example, you can spend 2 hours every Saturday listening to ‘Healing Childhood Rape and Sexual Trauma’ from one of the Positive Mind Meditation​© audios created by Shay Levister. When you fill your mind with new programming, healing and transformation can take place. The trauma no longer has power over you because the memories have been rewritten by the positive messages given to your subconscious mind. Positive Mind Meditations​© rewrite painful programming so that you are empowered to move on with your life.

Another option to add to the Positive Mind Meditation​© is reading or studying an online program. When your brain is constantly learning something positive, there won’t be enough space for negative things. It’s just like when you grow a garden full of beautiful roses, there isn’t enough space for ugly grass anymore. Give yourself the gift of a new life. There are plenty of resources on ShayBetter.com that can help you do just that. Remember to fill your brain with good information and see your life unfold in the most beautiful way.

Give your trauma meaning. Your trauma is an unfortunate event that should have never happened. The person who committed the offense was wrong and will have to answer for their offense. You have chosen to take your power back and use your trauma to your advantage. If you trust that “ALL things work together for your good,” then you can trust that your trauma is not your story. You are not defined by it. You are much more. Your victory and strength that were born from the trauma, is your story. Once you have healed your trauma, tell your story with pride and encourage others to be released from the bondage of their pain.

Surround yourself with like-minded people. If you want to become successful, you have to meet successful people. That means if your existing social circle are full of people with a low vibration energy, you have to leave this social circle. If a family member is a toxic person, you need to try your best to leave this family member as well (or at least set clear boundaries with them). In other words, when your family and friends are negatively affecting your life, you should figure out a way to protect your own energy by leaving (Yes, I said “family”, too.) I know setting boundaries with your family members is hard, but it has to be done, especially when a family member is an energy vampire. Once you’ve decided what kind of life you would like to create, intentionally select and allow only the right people who will support you on this journey.

Find a Certified Love Coach. Not everyone can afford to hire a certified love coach. I understand that. But if you can, you should invest in coaching with a trained and certified love coach who has a track record for success. Here is why: You are worth not playing Russian Roulette with your love life. There is a code to understanding the dating game. Why not invest in the most important aspect of your life, your love life and get scientifically proven guidance that will help you avoid the pitfalls of dating. Skip years of dating games men play and attract your soulmate in a short period of time as you heal and become a better you. Dating or marrying the wrong person can be very expensive financially and emotionally. Invest in yourself upfront so that you can enjoy your best life in the end. My clients see the value in having a coach and as a result, they are able to make life-transforming changes in their lives that equips them for attracting true love.

Do what makes you happy.

Instead of dwelling on the past, you would be well-advised to do what actually makes you happy. Now let me ask you, “What makes you happy?” Then you should go do that.

Maybe your answer is, “Singing makes me happy”. Then you should totally go to karaoke this weekend.

Perhaps your answer is, “Going to the beach makes me happy”. Then you need to go to the beach as soon as possible.

Life is short. Have some fun every day.

Enjoying fun and pleasure is your birthright. When I say “pleasure”, I’m not talking about s*x only. In fact, I’m talking about anything that brings you joy.

Never underestimate the power of joy.

When you feel joy, your body releases nitric oxide which is like the very breath of life.

Do you know what lights up a firefly? The answer is nitric oxide. Yes, that’s how powerful it is.

Since my blog is about using scientifically proven methods to help women, I’d like to tell you that fear depletes nitric oxide. So, if you’ve been living in fear because of sexual assault or childhood rape, it’s time to reclaim pleasure because you deserve joy.

And remember: joy leads to more joy. Take the first step towards healing from sexual assault and childhood rape by getting the book: ‘The Science of Attracting Love’ and the companion Positive Meditation Audios that help create lifetime healing! 

The post Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape appeared first on Shay Better.

from The Shay Better https://shaybetter.com/tips-for-healing-from-sexual-assault-and-childhood-rape/ from The Shay Better https://lovein30days.tumblr.com/post/188489937056

[lovein30days]

Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape

In this #METOO era, dating isn’t easy, because many women are dealing with sexual assault and childhood rape while trying their best to find true love. Having said that, there are several useful strategies for healing from your trauma.

Enlightened D.I.V.As grieve, heal and move on.

Your trauma needs to be acknowledged and healed in order to heal love blocks. Therefore, you can consult with a certified love coach like Shay Levister to heal and prepare for receiving true love. Just tell your coach or counselor everything you went through so that they are equipped to help you heal your trauma. Grieving over what happened to you is understandable, but you do not want to allow it to disable you from fully experiencing all that life has to offer. With healing, you will discover that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) will become Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

I understand that not everyone wants to share their traumatic experience with their family and friends. Many women do not talk about the childhood rape that they experienced until they are much older. Many people open up and seek help when life isn’t working for them.

That being said, it doesn’t necessarily mean you also have to tell your family and friends about your trauma. Sometimes the truth is like a brutal sword that can hurt your family members’ hearts in a very cruel way. Therefore, I actually don’t recommend telling your family and close friends about your trauma if you don’t feel safe doing it. Let your strength grow and your inner guidance direct when it is the right time to tell the people closest to you.

Usually, when you have told a professional coach or therapist about the sexual assault or childhood rape you experienced, your trauma is ready to be released. It is your choice to motivate yourself to use your trauma as strength that can help you be a great role model for others or a powerful creator in your life. It takes one instant to change your state of experiencing your traumatic memories. This instant happens when you make the decision to take your power back.

You will know that you are healed when you no longer allow your traumatic memories to create negative emotions within you. Emotion is the seed of creation. You cannot create good in your life when you are standing in negative, painful emotions. Healing releases debilitating emotions and empowers you to turn your pain into power.

As a result, I highly encourage you to find some time for yourself and do the work to heal before seeking love. Fall in love with yourself. Repeat your daily empowering affirmations. Listen to meditations that heal and journal your journey to healing. Tell your trauma and violator that they will no longer control you! Eventually you will find that the cloud of pain that has controlled your life for so long is no longer there.

As a part of your healing process, I encourage you to practice self-love and care. Incorporate healing baths into your healing journey. You can take a bath with lavender essential oil. As you sit in the warm water, visualize all of the toxins in your body & mind leaving you and going down the drain.

Never underestimate the power of visualization.

After the bath, you can spray some topical magnesium oil on your skin which energizes your body instantly.

Repeat daily that you love yourself as you look into the mirror first thing in the morning. Repeat “I love you _ (say your name)!” the number of times of your age. If you are 40, repeat “I love you _” forty times! Throughout the day, repeat the affirmation of the day that pops up from your Cup of Love App.

Leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG).

Do you know why people like Oprah Winfrey and Lewis Howes are successful? One reason for their success is their Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG). By that I mean they have become successful in spite of the trauma, because of the trauma.

A growth-driven person uses tribulations to their advantage. Even if what happened to them is totally horrific, growth-driven individuals still find a way to make things work for their advantage.

Oprah Winfrey is the most famous rape survivor who has made it. She is wealthy, successful and influential, even though her past was like a painful horror story. Therefore, Oprah is the most inspiring person in America.

There are various ways to leverage Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) like many famous rape survivors have done:

Schedule “learning time” in your calendar every week. For example, you can spend 2 hours every Saturday listening to ‘Healing Childhood Rape and Sexual Trauma’ from one of the Positive Mind Meditation​© audios created by Shay Levister. When you fill your mind with new programming, healing and transformation can take place. The trauma no longer has power over you because the memories have been rewritten by the positive messages given to your subconscious mind. Positive Mind Meditations​© rewrite painful programming so that you are empowered to move on with your life.

Another option to add to the Positive Mind Meditation​© is reading or studying an online program. When your brain is constantly learning something positive, there won’t be enough space for negative things. It’s just like when you grow a garden full of beautiful roses, there isn’t enough space for ugly grass anymore. Give yourself the gift of a new life. There are plenty of resources on ShayBetter.com that can help you do just that. Remember to fill your brain with good information and see your life unfold in the most beautiful way.

Give your trauma meaning. Your trauma is an unfortunate event that should have never happened. The person who committed the offense was wrong and will have to answer for their offense. You have chosen to take your power back and use your trauma to your advantage. If you trust that “ALL things work together for your good,” then you can trust that your trauma is not your story. You are not defined by it. You are much more. Your victory and strength that were born from the trauma, is your story. Once you have healed your trauma, tell your story with pride and encourage others to be released from the bondage of their pain.

Surround yourself with like-minded people. If you want to become successful, you have to meet successful people. That means if your existing social circle are full of people with a low vibration energy, you have to leave this social circle. If a family member is a toxic person, you need to try your best to leave this family member as well (or at least set clear boundaries with them). In other words, when your family and friends are negatively affecting your life, you should figure out a way to protect your own energy by leaving (Yes, I said “family”, too.) I know setting boundaries with your family members is hard, but it has to be done, especially when a family member is an energy vampire. Once you’ve decided what kind of life you would like to create, intentionally select and allow only the right people who will support you on this journey.

Find a Certified Love Coach. Not everyone can afford to hire a certified love coach. I understand that. But if you can, you should invest in coaching with a trained and certified love coach who has a track record for success. Here is why: You are worth not playing Russian Roulette with your love life. There is a code to understanding the dating game. Why not invest in the most important aspect of your life, your love life and get scientifically proven guidance that will help you avoid the pitfalls of dating. Skip years of dating games men play and attract your soulmate in a short period of time as you heal and become a better you. Dating or marrying the wrong person can be very expensive financially and emotionally. Invest in yourself upfront so that you can enjoy your best life in the end. My clients see the value in having a coach and as a result, they are able to make life-transforming changes in their lives that equips them for attracting true love.

Do what makes you happy.

Instead of dwelling on the past, you would be well-advised to do what actually makes you happy. Now let me ask you, “What makes you happy?” Then you should go do that.

Maybe your answer is, “Singing makes me happy”. Then you should totally go to karaoke this weekend.

Perhaps your answer is, “Going to the beach makes me happy”. Then you need to go to the beach as soon as possible.

Life is short. Have some fun every day.

Enjoying fun and pleasure is your birthright. When I say “pleasure”, I’m not talking about s*x only. In fact, I’m talking about anything that brings you joy.

Never underestimate the power of joy.

When you feel joy, your body releases nitric oxide which is like the very breath of life.

Do you know what lights up a firefly? The answer is nitric oxide. Yes, that’s how powerful it is.

Since my blog is about using scientifically proven methods to help women, I’d like to tell you that fear depletes nitric oxide. So, if you’ve been living in fear because of sexual assault or childhood rape, it’s time to reclaim pleasure because you deserve joy.

And remember: joy leads to more joy. Take the first step towards healing from sexual assault and childhood rape by getting the book: ‘The Science of Attracting Love’ and the companion Positive Meditation Audios that help create lifetime healing! 

The post Tips for healing from sexual assault and childhood rape appeared first on Shay Better.

from The Shay Better https://shaybetter.com/tips-for-healing-from-sexual-assault-and-childhood-rape/