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blinditcms · 2 years ago

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RONAN KELLY on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 29 YEAR OLD looks like DARYL MCCORMACK, but i don’t really see it. while the ACTOR is known for being GENEROUS my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be OBSESSIVE. i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song DIET COKE –– LEANNA FIRESTONE

BASIC INFORMATION:

name: ronan seán kelly. nicknames: ronnie. pronouns: he/him. gender: cis man. age: twenty-nine. date of birth: december 3rd, ‘93. place of birth: cork, ireland. astrological sign: saggitarius. orientation: pansexual.

APPEARANCE:

height: six foot. build: quite broad, but lean, with lightly defined muscles. hair colour: black. eye colour: green. wardrobe style: in his free time, he will wear the comfiest clothes he can find, but he doesn’t shy away from colour or fashionability. he wears loads of bright colours and patterns, but will often combine those with sweatpants and other loose-fitting clothing. in social or professional settings, his outfits tend to be somewhat more reserved, though he tries to incorporate some of the bright colours into suits etc. tattoos: a small outline of a cat on his inner bicep, from his first pet, olga. piercings: none. defining features: his eyes are incredibly bright and can be considered both off-putting and captivating, depending on the audience.

HEALTH:

physical ailments: none. mental ailments: recovering from an eating disorder, anxiety. alcohol use: drinks regularly, but always feels quite in control - he is quick to sober up and rarely drinks alone. drug use: will occasionally smoke weed and used to occasionally do coke at parties, but has now stopped that. he does use psychedelics (mushrooms), every three months or so, in a therapeutic sense. addictions: none.

PERSONALITY:

positive traits: generous, empathetic, encouraging. negative traits: obsessive, impatient, slow. mbti: ENFP-T.

ACTIVITIES & SKILLS:

skills: long-distance running, acting. weaknesses: self-doubt, paranoia. languages spoken: english, some french.

CAREER DETAILS:

1998: stars in his first advertisement for the bbc and does some catalogue modeling. 1999: books his first big role for a BBC film, which immediately skyrocket’s the 5-year-olds career. for the next few years, he is in every holiday film and makes cameos in nearly every project produced in the uk. 2002: moves to new york city with his mother, father and siblings and has a few small roles in sitcoms, books a few small roles. 2008: moves back home to ireland as work has dried up. he is now 14 and no longer the cutesy kid, in the midst of awkward puberty –– leaving him without roles. 2012: finishes his A-levels and goes to school to study drama in london. he stars in a few plays, eventually even doing a play with the royal shakespeare company. continues to work in theatre and british productions, but longs to make it back to the us and be successful there. 2016: stops stage acting temporarily to focus on his health, but stars in a few indie movies. 2020: gets cast in the second season of a major limited tv series for amazon, where he has a small but recurring role that ends up becoming a surprise fan favourite. 2022: moves back to the us, l.a. this time, and tries to use his momentum from home to propel his career forward here. it’s going... okay. savings are running out.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

siblings: ronan has two siblings, one older and one younger, with whom he feels he has always had a pretty good relationship - but that isn’t felt by all three. there is definitely some tension. the kelly’s always focused on ronan’s career and needs more, though they also heavily relied on it for income. old nyc friends: ronan did some theatre work and small tv work back in new york city around 2002-2008, and made some great friends there, though they have grown apart over the years. colleagues: ronan is quite new in l.a., which means that the few people he knows are from work - any connections welcome! housemates: ronan does not make enough money to live alone in l.a., and will therefore live with at least 2 other housemates, most likely other actors or singers trying to break into the industry in the us.

BIOGRAPHY:

from an early age, ronan’s mum (jenny) worked on getting her son into the modeling industry. the only thing he had inherited from her were her bright green eyes, but they stood out so much that it did not take very long for him to be scouted - and his first commercial photoshoots were scheduled at age 4.

once his name started growing in the modeling industry, his agent suggested that they try to get him into the acting world as well. he enjoyed playing make believe and worked well with others. she got him his first few auditions and he booked his first major role soon after. from then, you couldn’t look one way or another without seeing his face on the screen or in a magazine. he became the family business and soon after, his parents both stopped working to support him.

when he was eight, the family moved to nyc for him to star into some sitcoms and do a few small roles. he continues to audition, but with his strong irish accent, he is not booking nearly as many roles as he was back home. he starts working with an accent coach on a regular basis to both try and master a generic american accent and a more generic british accent. he also goes back to modeling and turns to being homeschooled to fit around his schedule, despite his siblings both going to public schools.

tw: eating disorder !! he soon begins working out every day and his diet is closely monitored, which instills an eating disorder in him. he often hears his family arguing about money, and he is no longer booking modeling work nor acting work. they move back to ireland and his eating disorder still goes unchecked.

he goes back to school with his siblings and his parents invest his money, hoping to double it, though the investments are not very successful. he continues to try and audition and get modeling roles, but he is a rather awkward-looking teen, very pimple-y, and his voice drop takes a lot longer to stabilise than normal. his obsession with working out and eating healthy changes, and he begins to skip meals closer to his final exams.

he makes his way through drama school and surely but slowly begins to get cast again. his obsession with his health still lingers in the background, and continues to fester until he finally accepts that what he does is not healthy and takes a break from acting in 2016 to focus on his mental health and his relationship with food. he also asks for a break in contact with his parents to focus on his mental health, which they hate and do not respect.

the first audition he takes when returning to the acting world lands him a role in the second season of a high-fantasy show for amazon. though his role was only small, he becomes a surprise fan-favourite, and his fame skyrockets. his parents try to get back into his good books but he refuses to reconnect for the time being. he decides to move back to the us, to l.a. this time, and continue his search for fame once again.

#* ☆ ronan kelly. | muse.

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justforbooks · 15 days ago

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‘Reading is part of my identity’: the woman taking on Goodreads owner Amazon

Software engineer and developer Nadia Odunayo created the social media readers’ platform StoryGraph and its popularity has rocketed

Nadia Odunayo never planned to take on the mighty global juggernaut that is Amazon, but for many book lovers, she has become the hero they didn’t know they needed.

For 18 years, bibliophiles have been able to catalogue their reading, leave reviews and star ratings, and get recommendations for their next read on Goodreads, which was set up by two Stanford University alumni from California.

In 2013, Goodreads’ founders sold it to Amazon, and the already hugely popular site skyrocketed. It now has an estimated 150 million users.

One of those users, since 2012, was Odunayo, a software engineer and developer from London. Six years ago, she sat down to create what she imagined might be a companion app to Goodreads.

After building a demo for a few friends, she quickly realised it was more likely to be a competitor, offering readers’ tracking tools and trends – using AI – that could help recommend their next book. And as of this week, The StoryGraph has 3.8 million active users, many of whom have ditched Goodreads.

In a blogpost entitled “Leaving Goodreads in 2025!” just before Christmas, a blogger and reviewer going by the name Books With Bunny wrote: “I don’t love that Goodreads is owned by Amazon. There’s so much about the company that I don’t agree with … Goodreads feels outdated. Its interface looks clunky, and the features are limited … I’ve found Goodreads’ recommendations underwhelming and heavily skewed toward popular titles.”

Bunny announced she would be using The StoryGraph going forward: “I’ve been loving it so far! Not only is it woman-owned, but it also offers so many fantastic features.”

A Goodreads spokesperson said on Saturday that in 2024 it “welcomed millions of readers and we saw strong year-over-year growth in book tracking with our community adding hundreds of millions of books to their want to read, currently reading, and read shelves”.

Odunayo, 33, said: “I think people love the different types of data we give. We just have a lot of really cool features, and the buddy read-alongs.

“But I think the number one thing, if people are comparing us with Goodreads, is that a lot of people do go: ‘It’s just not owned by Amazon.’”

Goodreads has struggled with a perception that there can be malicious reviewing and even personal attacks on authors from users. In 2023, debut author-to-be Cait Corrain was dropped by her publisher, Del Rey, and her planned publication was scrapped after she admitted creating fake Goodreads accounts to boost the ratings on her own work and attack other debut authors with books due out at the same time as hers.

In the wake of the Corrain incident, Goodreads released a statement saying that while it welcomed both positive and negative reviews, it “prohibits reviews that are not relevant to the book, harass readers or authors, or attempt to artificially deflate or inflate the overall rating of the book”.

It added: “We continue to invest in improvements to quickly detect and moderate content and accounts that violate our reviews or community guidelines.”

The StoryGraph has tried to head off such problems by not allowing private messaging or comments on reviews. Odunayo said she wanted to avoid a situation “where anyone can just comment on your review and you’ve got to deal with being scared to put reviews up there”.

Odunayo never had ambitions to work in tech when she was younger. She studied philosophy, politics and economics at the University of Oxford and had an offer to work for Deutsche Bank.

But after winning a competition for a place on a coding course for women – “just a nice skill to have in my back pocket” – the tech industry became her home.

She considers herself fortunate. “I’ve been in the tech industry for a decade now, and it is heavily white male-dominated, but I’ve been lucky with my colleagues and the companies I’ve worked with. Even going to Oxford, there weren’t many people around that looked like me,” she said. “So I know not everyone like me has that experience.”

The StoryGraph, despite its climbing user numbers, is still run by Odunayo, who puts videos on Instagram and social media, talking about the app and her own reading, and answers direct messages personally.

But given the rate of growth, can that continue? And what if Amazon comes calling with a briefcase full of cash to buy out its Goodreads competitor?

“That’s not something we’re interested in,” says Odunayo. “We had zero investment in The StoryGraph. It’s a completely bootstrapped company. Anything can happen in life, obviously, but right now we’re happy and we’re enjoying it. We see The StoryGraph as our life’s work.

“I don’t think there’s a limit to how big we can get and maintain what we’re doing now. I just want more people to know about us. I want us to be the most popular book app in the world.”

For Odunayo, the reason she started all this in the first place – the books – is more important than ever. “I remember a friend posting on social media that he’d had a busy year and only managed to read 45 books,” she said. “And I was thinking: ‘Wait a minute – I’m single, I don’t have any kids, the company I was running at the time was a 9am until 6pm situation, and I’ve only read 13 books this year.’

“So I set myself a target of 30 or so books a year. It’s funny, because people always say to me: ‘Your reading must have plummeted since you set up The StoryGraph, being a one-woman development team’ – but it’s shot up.”

In fact, Oduyano now reads 70 or 80 books a year, split between nonfiction and novels. Her current read is The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley. “I was exposed to so many more books through interacting with readers that I was like: ‘Oh, I need to read this; I want to read that.’ But I’m now the CEO of a company that’s a reading tracking app. So reading is now part of my whole identity.”

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

#just for books #Books #Publishing #Apps #Nadia Odunayo #StoryGraph #social media #readers’ platform

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moochilatv · 3 months ago

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Pretty Pink presents: Euphoria

Jan Blomqvist Remix !!!

Pretty Pink Unveils Born Digital Remix Compilation including thrilling artist Jan Blomqvist

German DJ and producer Pretty Pink, a Tomorrowland mainstage artist and a consistent force in the global electronic music scene, announces her Born Digital Remix Compilation. Released via her imprint Deep Woods, this project reimagines tracks from her 2023 debut album Born Digital, bringing together a handpicked selection of renowned melodic house and techno artists.

This remix compilation showcases some of electronic music’s most innovative names, including Jan Blomqvist, Joachim Pastor, Tim Engelhardt, Lauren Mia, Matchy, and Dirty Doering. Each artist brings their unique touch to Pretty Pink’s emotive originals, crafting bold and fresh reinterpretations.

“This album was about seeing my tracks through the creativity of artists I deeply admire,” Pretty Pink explains. “Each remix reveals new layers of emotion, turning this project into a celebration of collaboration and sound diversity.”

A standout is Jan Blomqvist’s rework of “Euphoria,” a festival anthem at Burning Man 2024. Known for his hypnotic blend of haunting vocals and beats, Blomqvist reinvents the track with fresh energy while preserving its essence.

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Pretty Pink’s rise is undeniable. Named Beatport’s Artist of the Month and a regular on Spotify’s Electronic Rising playlist, she’s earned acclaim for tracks like her remix of “Stranger To Your Love,” supported by Above & Beyond and Lost Frequencies. Her debut album Born Digital fused dark, pulsating beats with lush melodies, cementing her place as a leader in melodic house.

Through her labels Deep Woods and Wanderlust, she nurtures the next wave of talent. The Born Digital Remix Compilation reinforces her status as one of the genre’s most forward-thinking artists, celebrating the collaborative spirit at the heart of electronic music.

Risen from the deep & dark woods of the Harz in Germany, Pretty Pink made her way through the steaming and raging international club zone to manifest her belief into the most intimate basement raves and the biggest festival stages – ultimately settling into an exclusive group of DJs that have the skill to work both levels of the scene. Her unique performances cultivated a great following across Europe and continue to broaden the horizons of dance music. Pretty Pink never shies away from a challenge as she continues to grow and evolve in her career and in her sound.

Through a regular stream of high quality mixes in her radio show ‘DEEP WOODS’ she has begun to turn heads in underground circles. Within the span of two years, it landed on 30 leading radio slots worldwide and reached 1 million streams via her socials. ‘DEEP WOODS’ consists of DEEP SENSATION and KLING KLANG, Pretty Pink’s self-branded residency and well known event series that have attracted over 8,000 festival guests. After playing alongside respectable tastemakers at a myriad of revered venues in her homeland – Nature One, Sonne Mond Sterne, Airbeat One, New Horizon, World Club Dome and more – her loyal fanbase and bookings began to skyrocket. Pretty Pink has garnered a devoted fan base across the globe through her diverse productions, radioshow and stirring live shows, which launch listeners on an unforgettable musical journey. On stage she is known for her galvanizing stage performances as she continues to impress crowds with her dynamic natural ease, serenity and expertise.

Shifting her focus toward production, Pretty Pink has amply proved her serious talent in the studio as well as behind the decks. Whilst Pretty Pinks DJ sets are very energetic, she also manifests her wandering soul on the producer side. Pretty’s own music has provided her with the chance to reveal a kinetic combination of dark, pulsating house and tech-house, driven beats, and natural energetic melodic compositions paired often with her own vocals. Pretty Pink had her recording debut in 2013 with an unforgettable edit of Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’, which demanded the attention of the scene with massive national and international support. With her clearly uncanny ability to create instantly astounding records she extended with ‘GUNFIRE’ her follow-up EP on Suara, which climbed to #2 on Beatport Deep House Chart of 2016. Pretty Pink possess a long list of high conceptual tracks like RUN, MY KICK, FLURAMA, TRICK, CHANGE on captivating sounding labels like Suara, Armada Deep, Sony, Warner, and Universal. Forming tracks to uncommercial club anthems was her mission, which allowed her unique signature sound to make remixes for Armin van Buuren, Lost Frequencies and also for 90’s tastemakers. Gracing the pages of notable electronic publications such as DJ Mag Mexico, EARMILK, Magnetic Magazine and more, Pretty Pink is quickly becoming one to watch on the fronts of the electronic scene.

Things aren’t slowing down anytime soon as Pretty Pink’s most recent single ‘PURE’ topped the Beatport charts for over six weeks at #3 on Progressive House. The single has even caught the ear of uber tastemakers such as CamelPhat, Lane 8, Josh Butler, Monkey Safari and more who have all featured the single in their sets. On a hunt to envelop and solidify her sound, she jump-started her own record label, Wanderlust Music.

For now, with her upcoming releases, studio sessions, ongoing radio show to residencial performances, record label and a packed tour diary, Pretty’s showing signs of becoming a unique individual artist. Pretty Pink blends a tasteful sound with a twist of madness that elevates the crowd to new heights. With years of experience under her belt, the multi-talented workaholic has created a brand built to last. She will stop at nothing to continue cultivating and developing her sound. Time may pass and trends will fade, but the Pretty Pink’s sound will never cease to impress. Her massive accomplishments only mark the beginning of her future conquests.

#Born Digital Remix Compilation #Deep Woods #Wanderlust #Jan Blomqvist #Pretty Pink #Instagram

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speed-seo · 1 year ago

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The Mindset of a Thriving SEO Professional: Personal Growth, Professional Excellence, and Social Support

Search engine optimisation (SEO) is one of the hottest careers out there right now. With constant changes in algorithms and best practises, the demand for skilled SEO professionals has skyrocketed. The US Bureau of Labour Statistics predicts employment for web developers and digital marketers will grow 13% through 2026. That's over 100,000 new jobs! With all this opportunity also comes competition and the pressure to stay on top of your game. I've been in the SEO field for over 11 years now, and let me tell you - mindset is everything if you want to thrive in this career long-term. So what is the SEO mindset exactly? In my experience, it's a growth-oriented way of thinking that helps you achieve success by purposefully developing yourself across three key areas: personal growth, professional excellence, and social support. In this article, I want to have an open discussion about the importance of mindset for us SEO pros. By cultivating key skills across those personal, professional, and social realms, we can all thrive - and even when we hit roadblocks, have the resilience to power through. I'll share some insights from my own journey about what's helped me thrive, and provide tips you can apply yourself. The future looks bright for our profession, but we have to be ready to grow with it. Together, we can build fulfilling careers in this exciting field. Now let's dive into those three mindset pillars - personal growth, professional excellence, and social support. I'll start by exploring some ways we can develop ourselves on a personal level to cultivate the right mindset for SEO success. This includes things like lifelong learning, managing stress, and finding work-life balance. Personal Growth: The Key to an SEO Mindset As SEO professionals, we need to cultivate personal growth and resilience to thrive in this demanding career. I know firsthand how disheartening it can feel when you've put in long hours optimising a site and the rankings aren’t moving. It's easy to get frustrated and burned out. But don’t lose hope! Here are some strategies that have helped me stay motivated and committed for the long haul: Commit to Lifelong Learning Staying current is key in this fast-paced industry. Make learning a habit by: - Subscribing to industry blogs and newsletters - Taking online courses on new skills - Attending conferences when possible There are always new best practises and algorithms evolving. View learning as a lifelong journey to stay on top of changes. Celebrate Small Wins Progress can feel painfully slow in SEO at times. Make sure to acknowledge and celebrate the small gains, like: - Moving up one spot in rankings - Getting a new client referral - Increasing traffic or conversions Over time, these small wins add up to big results. Lean on Your Colleagues Other SEO pros face the same frustrations and challenges. Build relationships with peers you can reach out to for support and motivation. It helps to know you're not alone! Prioritise self-care. Don't neglect activities outside of work that nourish you and help you recharge, like: - Exercise and movement - Favourite hobbies or reading - Spending time in nature - Practising mindfulness or meditation Taking time to refuel gives you more energy and creativity for your SEO work. The key is patience, perseverance, and purposeful personal growth. With consistent effort over time, you can achieve SEO success! Keep learning, stay resilient, and celebrate progress. You've got this! Professional Excellence: Sharpening Your SEO Skills Succeeding as an SEO pro requires constantly honing your professional skills and expertise. Here are some key ways to sharpen your knowledge and work towards excellence: Invest in Quality Education Stay on top of the latest strategies and tools with: - Paid online courses and certifications - Seminars, workshops, and training programmes - Books and eBooks on SEO techniques Continuous learning is crucial for staying relevant in this field. Make time and budget for professional development. Master Technical SEO Skills Go beyond the basics by gaining skills like: - Data analysis and analytics - Python, SQL, and programming - Web development and site architecture Technical expertise gives you an edge and allows you to test innovative approaches. Collaborate with Other Experts Brainstorm ideas and share knowledge by: - Joining online SEO communities - Attending conferences and networking - Building relationships with colleagues Leverage the wisdom of other professionals to sharpen your expertise. Structure Your Workday Work efficiently by: - Creating an organised project management system - Minimising distractions and interruptions - Optimising energy levels and focus A purposeful structure maximises your productivity. Like personal growth, professional excellence requires consistency over time. But the investment is worth it for achieving SEO success and career fulfilment! Stay hungry to keep learning, collaborating, and honing your skills. Social Support: Creating Your Community SEO careers can feel solitary at times. But surrounding yourself with a strong support system makes the journey more rewarding. Here are some ways to build community: Nurture Personal Relationships Make time for family and friends by: - Setting boundaries and limiting extra work hours - Sharing your SEO knowledge and passion - Planning fun non-work activities together Strong personal connections renew your spirit. Give Back to the SEO Community Find ways to help others, like: - Mentoring those new to SEO - Volunteering your expertise - Creating free tutorials and resources Giving back creates meaning while strengthening the community. Forge Connections with Colleagues Build camaraderie by: - Socialising and networking at conferences - Starting an online SEO mastermind group - Grabbing virtual coffee to collaborate Peer connections provide invaluable support and inspiration. While SEO can be an isolating career, making community and relationships a priority fills your life with joy and meaning while powering your professional success. Don’t go it alone on this journey! Surround yourself with people who lift you higher. Conclusion: Embracing the SEO Mindset for Success We've covered a lot of ground on cultivating the SEO mindset across those all-important personal, professional, and social realms. Let's recap the key points: Personal Growth By committing to lifelong learning, celebrating small wins, practising self-care, and having patience, you can stay motivated for the long haul. Don't give up! Professional ExcellenceInvesting in education, building technical skills, collaborating, and structuring your workday leads to next-level expertise! Keep honing your craft. Social Support Nurturing personal relationships, giving back to the SEO community, and connecting with colleagues provides invaluable support. We're in this together! By embracing this positive mindset, you can thrive in your SEO career. Will there be challenges along the way? Absolutely. But our community will tackle them together and learn from them. The future looks so bright for SEO professionals who are excited to develop themselves personally, perfect their technical abilities, and connect with others. There are tremendous opportunities out there for people with the right mindset. So, keep pushing yourself to grow every day. Stay hungry to learn, be resilient through setbacks, and enjoy the rewarding journey ahead. You've got this! Now go out there and start putting these mindset shifts into practise. Wishing you all the success and fulfilment on your path ahead! Frequently Asked Questions Q: What tips do you have for staying motivated when you hit an SEO plateau and rankings aren't moving? I tend to get discouraged when stuck. A: Plateaus happen to everyone in SEO! Focus on optimising other pages and assets, find quick wins like improving page speed, and remind yourself rankings will fluctuate. Stay persistent and have faith your efforts will pay off. Q: Do you recommend getting certified in SEO? Are they worth it? A: Certifications like HubSpot and SEMrush can add credibility and enhance your knowledge. Think of them as an investment in yourself! The structured learning is worthwhile if you put in the time and effort. Q: What SEO conferences are most worthwhile? A: MozCon and Pubcon are two of my favourites. Search Engine Land and State of Search also offer amazing learning opportunities. Attend conferences that align with your SEO focus. Q: For technical SEO, learn Python or SQL first? A: I'd start with Python since it has a gentler learning curve. Once comfortable with Python, move onto SQL for managing databases. But any SEO coding knowledge helps - keep growing your skills! Q: Could you share an example of an effective SEO mastermind group? A: The SEO Success Mastermind is a small peer group I helped start that meets monthly. We collaborate on strategies and ideas. Connect with me if you'd like an invite! Read the full article

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m-rtif · 2 years ago

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Child Predators and Coveting Phones - The Big Bad Wolf of The Web

Henry, Jan 13th 2023

A timid little girl opens up her phone. A looming fear shadows over her; youthful hands quake as she hears the timely ‘ding!’ of a notification, a message, from him. An older man. One she has never met, who her parents don’t know about. His wolfish features are fresh in her mind; his drooling chops and piercing teeth, knowing he is hidden from the prying eyes of her mother. Panting, he waits for her response. He is agonisingly famished for more, canines glistening… all the better to devour you with.

Between 2021 and 2022, there were 6,156 Sexual Communications with Child offences. According to Ofcom, 49% of eight to eleven-year-olds are now in possession of their very own smartphone. This statistic is skyrocketing continuously as time passes on, at an alarming rate. Over the past few years, parents giving their wide-eyed children unrestricted internet access and unknowingly exposing them to potential dangers and online predators who target young children is far too common. So much so that experiences of online grooming have become a sort of sick joke amongst teenage girls as they recount their stories and laugh at the absurdity. Vivid memories of my friends and I sitting together at lunchtime in our new uniforms, going around the circle and narrating our childhood exploits are far too fresh in my mind - the wolf is much too memorable for many of us young.

So, what can parents do about this? How can you help to halt this epidemic of predatory behaviour? Many parents resort to spying on their children; searching through their messages, going through their photos. This may seem like the correct stance to take, however, it has been made abundantly clear through my own conversations with friends whose parents monitor them constantly that this does not make them safer. In fact, it often only herds a mutual distrust between parents and their children as it causes them to view you more as a warden than a nurturing figure. This can often backfire and encourage your children to try even harder to hide risky behaviours.

I contacted online child safety expert Anabel Turner to shed some light on the best way to keep our beloved babies safe and sound when it comes to use of smartphones and social media. Ms Turner, a former barrister, founded CyberSafe Scotland in 2018 and is the co-chair of the Online Safety, Child Sexual Exploitation and Child Trafficking Sub Committee of the Aberdeen Child Protection Committee. This fruitful history with being concerned with the safety of our future leads me to believe that she is our best bet for a proper, assured, solution. This is what she had to say.

“Delaying is good.” She begins. “Delay is really powerful when you think about child development. Every six months, your child gains a massive amount of maturity, psychologically speaking, to be able to deal with stuff."

Note. Delaying.

It seems that biding your time, delaying, nurturing their hearts yourself for as long as possible is the answer. For an begrudging teenager who is well equipped with the skills to block and report women men is far better than a poor little boy, too young to understand, caving to the desires of a beast that won't leave him alone.

It's as simple as that.

You can watch the afterbirth of a nation, raised without fear of man, strong and confident in their abilities, just through delay.

To gain more insight on the situation, I also spoke to Dr Gemma Stevens, a psychology lecturer at Robert Gordon University (RGU) in Aberdeen. “The bottom line is that it comes down to the maturity of the child,” said Dr Stevens. “Are they able to reflect on screen time, put the phone down during dinner time and so on?"

“Children of a certain age are unable to self-regulate, and need their parents’ guidance. Smartphones can pose lots of risks, particularly in relation to cognitive functioning, sleep habits, addictive behaviours and so on.” She finishes with; “Smartphone use and mental health problems seemed to rise together, so there does seem to be a correlation there.”

Note. Guidance.

Such as any relationship, communication is crucial. No issue gets solved through mindless hollering and passive-aggressive stares. Talk to your children. She doesn't realise it, but the 'old enough' girl who's always holed up in her room is begging for you to talk to her. When the big bad wolf comes knocking on her bedroom door, and you haven't given her the guidance she needs to make informed decisions and stay safe, who is she supposed to turn to? Well, the police or animal control, hopefully. But even so, it is your responsibility as a caregiver to pass on essential values and laws, as well as giving our young the tools they'll need for when these are broken.

There's nothing that instils more of an erratic terror than being stranded in the middle of the woods at dusk without your parents, no way of knowing what's out there…

An NSPCC survey found that around 4% of young people aged 11 to 17 questioned had sent, received or been asked to send sexual content to an adult when using various websites and apps. Online grooming crimes recorded by police jumped by around 70% in the last three years, reaching an all-time high in 2021. Childhood victims of online grooming are leagues more likely to suffer chronic mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. It seems that we as a society can absolutely no longer ignore this beast, as it is causing serious, long-term, detrimental effects on the youth of today.

Take notes.

The timid little girl is me. She is my friends. She is your neighbour's son. She is the group of kids that hang around at the bus stop every day after school. She could have been you. And she will continue to be everyone until parents choose to listen.

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chaosforwinnie · 2 years ago

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Headcanon: Was there anything their parents pushed them to do?

Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with canon and is mostly my own speculations and ideas.

Winifred Sanderson is the eldest daughter. She was most certainly pushed to do many things by her parents. (mainly mother)

While Winnie naturally gravitated towards learning and gaining knowledge, she was used to being pushed to overwork herself and give 120% to her studies.

There were many mandatory events her mother enforced she attend.

Witch Conventions, Rituals and even some social dances, to name a few.

Winnie was a natural introvert and preferred books over people. However, she managed to learn the art of charming her way through the social aspects of these outings.

When her Mother discovered Winnie’s talent for the Craft, She was definitely urged to continue enhancing these abilities.

However, this quickly led to expectations when her younger sisters arrived into the world. Winnie was forced to take on a lot of responsibility and extra tasks.

Her competence and exceptional knack for witchcraft were anticipated by her family. They viewed her skills with pride but that meant Winnie was very rarely allowed to make mistakes, if at all.

She was the firstborn and would carry the Sanderson name within the witchcraft community. There would be a time when Winifred would take over her mother’s duties. Her mother wanted her to be ready even if it was at the expense of Winnie’s emotions and mental health.

Her training became even more rigorous when her sisters didn’t show the same aptitude for the Craft. Her Mother had plenty planned for Winnie’s development and Winnie didn’t have much choice in the matter.

Winnie’s studies were enjoyable, in the sense that she got to learn more and feed that hunger for knowledge and experience, but it was strenuous and fed into a few of her bad habits and thinking patterns later on in life.

There were many nights that left Winnie with very little sleep because she couldn’t master a spell.

There was a need to prove her power and ability to the family, especially after so many years of being under their scrutiny.

As a result, Winnie’s magical abilities skyrocketed in which she relished in the satisfaction of her accomplishments.

When the witch hunts made their appearance the magical community was in an uproar. This led to Winnie pushing herself further into her studies and quest for power. So, she could protect her sisters when they could not protect themselves.

As well as that, She grew more strict with Mary and Sarah. She needed them to be better so they wouldn’t perish like the other witches before them.

Edit as of 2022 bc of the new movie: OBVIOUSLY, this has nothing to do with the movie's plot this work was originally posted on Dec 18th 2021.

#winifred sanderson #winifred sanderson headcanon #winifred sanderson imagine #Hocus Pocus #hocus pocus imagine #hocus pocus headcanon #hocus pocus 1993 #writing #mary sanderson #sarah sanderson #prompt #writing prompt #Headcanon #fanfic

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moonlit-seren · 3 years ago

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If Tears of Themis Wasn’t an AU

A/N: Aka Rosa and the NXX guys vs social media XD

Does anything really have to be said?

Z is a persona he set up on Tiktok, and it’s one of those anon accounts where they never reveal their face

Has millions of followers despite the anonymity

I swear half the people watching his content are just there for his hands (‘cause I’d be too 😳 jkjk)

But on a real note the videos are so aesthetically pleasing due to the phenomenal lighting in his studio and, of course, his sheer skill

His most popular clip was of a rough sketch of Rosa captioned with, “when will you notice me, my beloved Rose?”

There was a lot of speculation after that over who he had drawn or if that person was just an imagined muse

But!!! Once Rosa appeared for a split second to bring him a snack and let me just say… When people put the two and two together she gained a massive fan following of her own lmao (who wouldn’t simp for this queen tho)

The two are shipped so so hard, and honestly, there are now more people in the comments demanding for her to appear again than for Z to do a face reveal haha

It really doesn’t help that Marius’ brush always pauses whenever he spots her as if he’s too captivated by her beauty to continue ahhhh

Bonus:

Marius directed the camera at his finished painting of Rosa, and in the background viewers could hear his confession to her

Needless to say, their wishes came true and Rosa now appears quite frequently on screen as Z’s girlfriend and muse

Let’s be real here, even if social media is still a big thing in Stellis decades from now he wouldn’t use it

Sooooo, Rosa took it upon herself to set up an Instagram page for Themis Law Firm

Originally the account was made just to promote the law firm, but it quickly became a blog account upon commenters’ request (all confidential documents were meticulously hidden ofc)

A lot of funny moments were captured and posted from pictures of Kiki caught in the middle of fangirling to other employees falling asleep in front of the coffee machine

But… the account EXPLODED when the first picture of Artem was posted (with his consent of course, though tbh he probably only gave it because he can’t say no to Rosa lmao)

Bruhhh people were rioting in the comments over who would get to marry this fine fine bachelor and Rosa took it upon herself to take as many pictures of him as she could (once again with consent)

Themis’ client count skyrocketed and Celestine was over the moon with how high she could raise the charges for Artem’s services (people were desperate to see this man in person lol)

And all that extra revenue was poured back into upgrading the office as well as more extravagant company vacations

Bonus:

The next vacation took place on a cruise ship, and Rosa got so drunk that she posted a picture of Artem loosening his tie captioned with “Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry. 🥵🥵🥵”

Celestine saw the notification and quickly deleted it (but not without screenshotting the post and sending it to Artem first ehe)

Artem will never admit this to Celestine but he still deliberately rolls up his sleeves and loosens his tie years into his marriage with Rosa because he knows it flusters her

Another person who doesn’t use social media

Rosa felt bad for always standing in as Vyn’s teaching assistant without actually doing anything, so she decided to start a youtube channel with his permission

They’re all just videos of Vyn’s lecture, but oh my lord, people in the comments simp HARD (as they should~)

So many psych related pickup lines are dropped in the comments like: “I'm conducting an experiment, wanna come spend the night over so I can interpret your dreams?” Or “Professor, you'll be enhancing the duration of your short term memory tonight… by saying my name all night long.”

The list goes on and on… (Honestly, Rosa probably flips through the comments every morning to start her day off with a good laugh)

Though, one day Vyn paused in the middle of his lecture, stared dead at the camera, and said very sternly, “For all of you who are choosing to view this lecture online, I do hope you’re taking notes on the subject and not my face.”

After that the simping in the comments section died down a little and more people started discussing the topics of the videos… On the surface level at least, it wasn’t uncommon for people to reply to their own comments with their thirst messages haha

Bonus:

Once Vyn called Rosa up to the front of the room during a lecture about color psychology and handed her a bouquet of red tulips so that she could describe how the shade of the petals made her feel

When the class concluded and they were alone, he asked her the same question once again followed up with “and do you know what red tulips symbolize?”

As expected, she shook her head and so… Vyn leaned forward, gently gripping her chin as he whispered, “Our love will be eternal…”

Okay, that’s enough of that 😂

Sunshineeeeeee

(I love this man so much, he’s adorable)

Rosa suggested making vlogs to look back on in the future and Luke immediately agreed (sobbing)

This became a weekly thing, where they’d record ten minute videos of various activities

The first few involved Luke tinkering with the artifacts in his shop as he explained their history

Thinking that this might be a good way to promote Luke’s shop, they decided to start posting some of their videos to Youtube

Neither were expecting to get much recognition, but low and behold they did manage to attract a loyal group of viewers

Their most popular videos are most definitely their cooking vlogs

Luke had made a New Year’s resolution to learn how to cook more dishes and Rosa, of course, decided to join him

Let’s be real here tho, it isn’t only the cute interactions between Luke and Rosa that keep people coming back for more

Luke always does the heavy lifting (because he doesn’t want Rosa to get hurt 🥺) and like… those muscles are caught on 4k heheh

Rosa had to look away once when he was moving a pot of soup to the kitchen table, but even though Luke didn’t catch her blush, the camera most certainly did

Bonus:

Once they failed so epically at cooking that Rosa had to call Artem to guide them through the dish, and ohhhh boy, now every video there’s at least one top comment pleading for a cameo (have you heard his calls? I can’t blame them pft)

Rosa said that they’d invite him over if the channel hit 1 million subs (she also promised a shirtless Luke if the channel hit 10 million subs lmao, woman knows her audience~)

Unfortunately, that second goal was met a year later, though Rosa put an apron on him so that his abs were covered (she didn’t want random women on the internet ogling at her new boyfriend 👀)

#imagines #headcannons #tears of themis #tears of themis fanfic #tot #marius #artem #vyn #luke

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memesforwinnie · 3 years ago

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Headcanon: Was there anything their parents pushed them to do?

Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with canon and is mostly my own speculations and ideas.

Winifred Sanderson is the eldest daughter. She was most certainly pushed to do many things by her parents. (mainly mother)

While Winnie naturally gravitated towards learning and gaining knowledge, she was used to being pushed to overwork herself and give 120% into her studies.

There were many mandatory events her mother enforced she attend.

Witch Conventions, Rituals and even some social dances, to name a few.

Winnie was a natural introvert and preferred books over people. However, she managed to learn the art of charming her way through the social aspects of these outings.

When, her Mother discovered Winnie’s talent for the Craft, She was definitely urged to continue enhancing these abilities.

However, this quickly led to expectation when her younger sisters arrived into the world. Winnie was forced to take on a lot of responsibility and extra tasks.

Her competence and exceptional knack for witchcraft was anticipated by her family. They viewed her skills with pride but that meant Winnie was very rarely allowed to make mistakes, if at all.

There were many nights that left Winnie with very little sleep because she couldn’t master a spell.

There was a need to prove her power and ability to the family, especially after so many years of being under their scrutiny.

As a result, Winnie’s magical abilities skyrocketed in which she relished in the satisfaction of her accomplishments.

When the witch hunts made their appearance the magical community was in uproar. This led to Winnie pushing herself further into her studies and quest for power. So, she could protect her sisters when they could not protect themselves.

As well as that, She grew more strict with Mary and Sarah. She needed them to be better so they wouldn’t perish like the other witches before them.

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spctlights · 2 years ago

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(—) ★ spotted!! RONAN KELLY on the cover of this week’s most recent tabloid! many say that the 28 year old looks like DARYL MCCORMACK, but i don’t really see it. while the ACTOR is known for being GENEROUS my inside sources say that they have a tendency to be OBSESSIVE i swear, every time i think of them, i hear the song DIET COKE –– LEANNA FIRESTONE

BASIC INFORMATION:

name: ronan seán kelly.

nicknames: ronnie.

pronouns: he/him.

gender: cis man.

age: twenty-nine.

date of birth: december 3rd, ‘93.

place of birth: cork, ireland.

astrological sign: saggitarius.

orientation: pansexual.

APPEARANCE:

height: six foot.

build: quite broad, but lean, with lightly defined muscles.

hair colour: black.

eye colour: green.

wardrobe style: in his free time, he will wear the comfiest clothes he can find, but he doesn’t shy away from colour or fashionability. he wears loads of bright colours and patterns, but will often combine those with sweatpants and other loose-fitting clothing. in social or professional settings, his outfits tend to be somewhat more reserved, though he tries to incorporate some of the bright colours into suits etc.

tattoos: a small outline of a cat on his inner bicep, from his first pet, olga.

piercings: none.

defining features: his eyes are incredibly bright and can be considered both off-putting and captivating, depending on the audience.

HEALTH:

physical ailments: none.

mental ailments: recovering from an eating disorder, anxiety.

alcohol use: drinks regularly, but always feels quite in control - he is quick to sober up and rarely drinks alone.

drug use: will occasionally smoke weed and used to occasionally do coke at parties, but has now stopped that. he does use psychedelics (mushrooms), every three months or so, in a therapeutic sense.

addictions: trying to stop smoking (failing).

PERSONALITY:

positive traits: generous, empathetic, encouraging.

negative traits: obsessive, impatient, slow.

ACTIVITIES & SKILLS:

skills: long-distance running, acting.

weaknesses: self-doubt, paranoia.

languages spoken: english, some french.

CAREER DETAILS:

1998: stars in his first advertisement for the bbc and does some catalogue modeling.

1999: books his first big role for a BBC film, which immediately skyrocket’s the 5-year-olds career. for the next few years, he is in every holiday film and makes cameos in nearly every project produced in the uk.

2002: moves to new york city with his mother, father and siblings and has a few small roles in sitcoms, books a few small roles.

2008: moves back home to ireland as work has dried up. he is now 14 and no longer the cutesy kid, in the midst of awkward puberty –– leaving him without roles.

2012: finishes his A-levels and goes to school to study drama in london. he stars in a few plays, eventually even doing a play with the royal shakespeare company. continues to work in theatre and british productions, but longs to make it back to the us and be successful there.

2016: stops stage acting temporarily to focus on his health, but stars in a few indie movies.

2020: gets cast in the second season of a major limited tv series for amazon, where he has a small but recurring role that ends up becoming a surprise fan favourite.

2022: moves back to the us, l.a. this time, and tries to use his momentum from home to propel his career forward here. it’s going... okay. savings are running out.

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

old nyc friends: ronan did some theatre work and small tv work back in new york city around 2002-2008, and made some great friends there, though they have grown apart over the years.

colleagues: ronan is quite new in l.a., which means that the few people he knows are from work - any connections welcome!

housemates: ronan does not make enough money to live alone in l.a., and will therefore live with at least 2 other housemates, most likely other actors or singers trying to break into the industry in the us.

BIOGRAPHY:

#hillzhqsintro #⸻ ✧ RONAN KELLY : ISMS ⧽

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 3 years ago

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Tw: dissociation, age regression, detransition

Hello! My name is Frutes, i just found your beautiful blog and wanted to ask something about dissociation/identity/age regression since it seems you’re quite informed.

A bit of context: I’ve been dealing with a lot of identity struggles during the last 5-7 years, regarding gender identity and general identity traits. I transitioned to non-binary 4 years ago and this year I’ve detransitioned and feel fem again but very very differently than the first time. During the last year or so I’ve been having dissociative episodes, some of them lasting weeks. My depression got better but my anxiety skyrocketed. Since I started to detransition I’ve been feeling better and more confident, but sometimes I still cannot truly recognize myself and have these despersonalisation episodes where I just observe and do not know who I am. I feel very euphoric with all the fem stuff but I still do not believe this is actually happening and I sometimes doubt abot my gender or about who I am as a whole, it can be quite concerning. I’ve noticed that the more anxiety I have, the more I’m lost in my thoughts and identity crisis…

One thing about my new fem gender identity (very different from the fem I used to experience before transitioning to nb) is that I’m adoring kids’ stuff. When I was a kid and teen I was emotionally abused by my mom and didn’t learn social skills, I was a sad kid with no friends, filled with rage. Now since I’ve detransitioned to fem gender I’m experiencing a hype over childish things: I’m buying toys, using hairclips, colorful childish clothes, sweet voice, playful, etc. I’m not in this state 24/7, but I feel specially into this when I’m very happy, as if it was spiritual home or it was what I deserve and need. I just read about age regression as a symptom and I’m curious to know if this is it. I know I’m 23 and not 8, but I enjoy the aesthetics and experience so so much. It’s like this feeling and interests came out from nowhere and fills me with pure joy. My partner and I have been together for 10 years now, he’s been here supporting me during my 2 transitions and all, and he is very respectful and very happy to see me enjoy this and my “new” soft/childish occasional attitude traits. I can though act adult when needed or age-neutral most of the time, but children interests/aesthetics/manners make me feel free.

Are these childish changes something bad I should be adressing? Is this a concerning/dangerous symptom? Is it okay to embrace this as a part of my new gender identity since it makes me experience my feminity more freely and careless? Is it some form of age regression? Is it normal I don’t feel like this all the time?

Thank you :-)

Hey Frutes, first off, your gender transition as a whole is absolutely valid as is, and as it will be. Discovering who we are is a vital part of our self growth, and your gender is included. You stepped out and explored, and then found what you were looking for. I imagine being more fem again feels different because the first time, you were unsure and hadn't done the work to understand it as much. Now you've looked around decided for yourself who you are and what your identity is, so it's easier and freer to stand in the place you used to be with the knowledge that you know yourself better.

Your gender may change and flow overtime into something different, or it may not, but no matter where you land, it's a part of your self exploration and it's important that it happens. Every step you take along the way is valid. In those moments you know who you are, and that doesn't change even if/when you do change.

You are correct when you mention age regression as a possible trauma symptom. This is something that's especially different per person, but falling into something that would have brought you comfort at a time that you needed it makes complete sense. If you never had the opportunity to be a child, now you can make that happen in a safe and responsible way. This includes being able to "shut it off" and be an adult as needed. You are in control of what you do now, so it makes sense that you can control when your child side is out and when it's not.

All in all, your gender movement is normal and valid. Your age regression symptoms are fine and not dangerous. It being a part of your gender experience is also safe and okay. I suggest this a lot, but you may find comfort in finding a therapist to talk about this to. It sounds like this may be trauma related, so talking about it in a safe space may help you figure yourself out even more, and hopefully let you feel better about who you are and how you show it.

I'm also so happy you have a supportive partner in this. Having even one person like that can make a world of difference. You deserve support for this, and I hope you can continue getting it.

Mod Erion

#trauma talks #age regression #dissociation #detransition #mental health #mod erion

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lifeofrica · 3 years ago

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23 Year Old’s Productive Morning Routine

Waking up at five a.m. gives me a kickstart to a productive day. Being an early riser gives me ample time to think and reflect on how my day should go. Waking up as early as five in the morning allows me to filter the high-grade tasks from low-grade ones. My focus will not be on things that are not truly essential.

Waking up late has reduced the quality of my life over time, from going to work feeling groggy to ending the night feeling unproductive and unfulfilled.

I am struggling to develop the five a.m. habit. I’ve tried doing it, but I would always go back to sleep.

Over the years, I kept asking myself, “Why can’t I do it?” So I started to evaluate my personality and habits. Getting to know thyself is the first step towards change.

My body has not adopted a program after getting up at five. If I had a programmed body, it would know what to do next after waking up. It is vital in developing the habit.

“If I wake up at five, what will I do next?”

Answering this question holds an impact on cultivating this habit. So, here are the five must-dos to fully wake up at five and avoid becoming unproductive throughout the day:

1. Make Your Coffee

Getting proactive in making your dose of coffee can boost your mood. It can increase your dopamine, the happy hormone, and shake away the grogginess of the early dawn.

I like to share my coffee recipe by making a TikTok. I am satisfied looking at my videos of the coffee I make. It is quite a great feeling in adulthood to see myself make a good dose of coffee.

2. Make your bed I never do this right after getting up. The sleepiness will win over me. It will just tempt me to lie back down on soft pillows.

The key to a productive day is to see small wins. One win will lead to another and more. Fixing my bed is one small but impactful win against my laziness. It sparks my desire to do more winning streaks.

Fixing your bed can also bring clarity to the mind. Letting your bed messy is an indication of a disorganized mind and life. Thus, it is helpful to make up our beds to organize our thoughts.

3. Water thy Plants. I can hear you. Watering plants can be painstakingly tedious. Remember, however, that our goal is to develop a body program to amp up our productivity.

I can think when I water my plants. It has given me time to myself and my thoughts. It is my form of dopamine detox exercise. Doing a menial and easy task like watering the plants causes my focus to skyrocket and last for a day.

4. Journal

Journalling ultimately makes me feel good. It is one of the best decisions I made in my life. I sit at our balcony, feeling the cold breeze of air, smelling the familiar wisp of coffee, and holding the pen to my paper. Sounds very classic.

The contributions of journalling in my life are mainly getting to know myself and identifying my priorities. I learned to eliminate all the glamorous ideas I thought I wanted to do, obtain, or live.

Overall, it has reduced the stress of always wanting and chasing after something. It made me realize the beauty of what I have at the moment.

5. Skin Care and Styling

I am a die-hard ‘look good, feel great’ follower. Turning my work clothes fashionable improves my confidence, charisma, and social skills. Just adding jewelry or earrings can immensely change the dull-looking uniform.

I take particular care of my skin. Our skin is the best clothes we take out to show. I spend a lot of time doing my skincare routine. I also think it is good to spend on our skin. Our skin is what we will be wearing for the rest of our lives anyway.

Productivity can be in many forms. Skincare and styling are some of the many. After all, becoming productive meant that you accomplish the things that truly matter to you alone. So include this in your morning routine if you find this helpful to your mood and productivity.

It has always been everyone’s struggle to be destroying a bad habit, more so develop a good one. If you can find anything, no matter how small and seemingly irrelevant, to solidify a routine you are trying to build, incorporate it by all means.

As for me, I am currently in the process of developing the five a.m. habit. But little by little, I am making a step forward. Persist, and you will see and feel the result you’ve been wanting. You may feel like there’s no improvement to your productivity by waking up early. However, be consistent, and you shall see for yourself.

#productive life #productivity #productive #morning routine #adulting #twentysomethings #twentytwentytwo #coffetime #coffee #plant decor #plant mom #journal #journalling #skincare #skincareritual #twenties #lifestyle #youth #successtips

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spookypalace · 4 years ago

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something borrowed - chapter one

After one drink too many at her 30th-birthday celebration, Jo unexpectedly falls into bed with her longtime crush and best friend, Alex -- who happens to be engaged to her best friend, Izzie. Ramifications of the liaison threaten to destroy the women's lifelong friendship, while Jackson, Jo's confidant, harbors a potentially explosive secret of his own.

—

Or the one where everyone is a little messy but you still root for them anyway.

June 2010

“Oh! Wow, I had no idea! This is amazing.” The small brunette whispers to herself as she paces the dark littered sidewalk of ninth street in the East Village, the wind briskly wafting through her freshly curled hair as her high-heeled clad feet clicked against the gravel. “No, that sounds so obvious,” She continues to mumble to herself, using a manicured finger to flick away the bang which had stuck to the lip-gloss which painted her plump pink lips. With a deep sigh, she threw her hands back to her sides, shaking them furiously as she felt the familiar clammy feeling begin to settle in her palms due to her nervousness.

As her entire body began to heat up, she was thankful that it was the little black dress that had caught her eye earlier that evening whilst she was examining her wardrobe in search of something to wear. It wasn’t a dress she had chosen for herself; short little pieces of clothing had never been her thing—her style was usually casual, ripped jeans and relaxed t-shirts. But her best friend, Izzie Stevens, had picked it out specifically for her during a shopping trip back when they were college freshman. It was Izzie’s style; figure hugging, clinging to every curve and a deep square neckline which showed off her perky assets.

She didn’t believe she had any of that, never had. Her shoulders were a little wider than her hips, her legs much shorter, barely standing at five foot four and her chest substantially lacked what Izzie’s had. With luscious blonde hair which flowed down her back, blinding white teeth and skin smoother than butter, Izzie really was perfect. Izzie was always the lucky one, always had been—since they were in fifth grade. Her skin tanned more quickly, her hair feathered more easily, and she didn't need braces. Her cartwheels were superior, as were her front handsprings (she couldn't do a handspring at all). She had double-pierced ears and the trendiest clothing from her rich and caring parents.

But at least Jo would always be a few months younger than Izzie, six months, and four days to be exact. Izzie, as obsessed with clear and smooth skin as she was, constantly worried about growing old and the aging effects that was brought with old age. Izzie’s age was the one thing that Jo didn’t quite mind never catching up to.

“Oh my god!” Jo plasters a fake wide grin on her face and throws her hands into the air in mock surprise, white teeth illuminating the small corner of the street she continued to pace up and down. She brings her dainty hands to her chest and widens her eyes as not to blink, willing herself not to blink in an effort to fake cry. Something which she was usually very skilled at. But not tonight it seemed.

With a groan, Jo gives up, “I suck!” She shouts into the empty street before sitting down onto the concrete steps which lead up to the apartment building, she was currently having a small breakdown outside of. Huffing, she removes the black heel from her right foot, resting for a moment in hopes she’ll finally calm down.

The feeling Jo currently had reminded her of New Year's Eve when the countdown is coming and she’s not quite sure whether to grab my camera or just live in the moment. New Year’s Eve never goes how you plan. Then you’re left feeling enormously let down and think to yourself that the night would have been more fun if it didn't mean quite so much, if you weren't forced to analyse where you’ve been and where you’re going.

Like New Year's Eve, tonight is an ending and a beginning. She didn't like endings and beginnings. She would always prefer to churn about in the middle. The worst thing about this particular end (of her youth) and beginning (of middle age) is that for the first time in her life, Jo realises that she has no idea where she’s going. Her wants are simple: a job that she enjoys and a guy whom she loves. And on the eve of her thirtieth birthday, Jo had come to the realisation that she wasn’t anywhere near getting what she wanted.

First, she’s an attorney at a large New York firm. By definition this means that she’s miserable. Being a lawyer just isn't what she thought it was cracked up to be—it's nothing like L.A. Law, the show that caused applications to law schools to skyrocket in the early nineties. She works excruciating hours for a mean-spirited, anal-retentive partner, doing mostly tedious tasks, and that sort of hatred for what you do for a living begins to chip away at you. So, Jo had memorised the mantra of the law-firm associate: I hate my job and will quit soon. Just as soon as I pay off my loans. Just as soon as I make next year's bonus. Just as soon as I think of something else to do that will pay the rent. Or find someone who will pay it for me.

Which brings Jo to her second point: she feels desperately alone in a city of millions.

Whilst visually she knows for a fact she’s not alone, because if she were then she wouldn’t currently be stressing out about how to fake shock to all of her friends once she enters the club in which her ‘surprise’ birthday party is being hosted in five minutes. She had friends to summer within the Hamptons, friends to meet on a Thursday night after work for a drink or two or three, friends to gossip with and rant to. And she had Izzie, her best friend from home, who is all of the above.

For a while, friends were all she needed—when you’re in your twenties, settling down with the man of your dreams can wait. There’s still so much living to do when you’re twenty-three and then twenty-seven, but by the time you’re twenty-nine … the cold empty side of your double bed begins to get a little old.

“Right.” Jackson Avery’s voice booms from the now open door which leads to his apartment, shaking Jo from her thoughts of loneliness, “I’m ready, you good?” He asks with a smirk when he notices her perched on his steps, face bored and disinterested.

Big doe eyes, decorated with mascara and dark eyeshadow, glance up at him as her lips turn into a pout involuntarily. “I don’t wanna’ go,” she knows he thinks she sounds like a toddler, she can tell by the way he chuckles and continues to look down at her with raised eyebrows, “I don’t want to be thirty.”

Jackson jogs down the few steps, straightening the lapels of his suit jacket as he does so, until he’s standing directly in front of the small woman. “Come on,” he extends a handout to her, hoping she’ll take it without much of a fight. Jo only pushes her bottom lip out further as she places her foot back into the uncomfortable heel and places her hand into his, groaning as Jackson pulls her up with force. “If it makes you feel any better then honestly, you don’t look a day over twenty-five.”

Jo scoffs, letting him lead her towards the club only two streets away from his place, “right.”

She had met Jackson in college, during orientation their freshman year. Whilst they weren’t fast friends, both of them were rather reserved. After a while they began to grow closer; during study sessions and group projects—they always seemed to be on the same page. It wasn’t until they finished college and realised that they were only living a few blocks from one another that they really started to spend time outside of class together, Jackson was always available for a morning coffee or an afternoon stroll during a stressful day.

Izzie had always been adamant that Jackson was crushing hard on Jo, but she never saw it. When it came to men, Izzie had a one-track mind—according to the blonde, no male and female could ever just be friends. She believed this so strongly that she took it upon herself to try and set the pair up during every night out at the bar or weekend lunch. Something which got old and obnoxious on Izzie’s part fast. Due to this, Jo had chosen to keep her friendships with the two fairly separate. Except for the times it was unavoidable, like birthdays and engagement parties and whatnot. Like tonight.

They arrive at the club far too quickly for Jo’s liking, she comes to a stand still once they’re outside, dragging Jackson back by the clasp of their hands as she firmly stays put. He sighs, his eyes subtly giving her the once over now Jo’s directly stood in the bright lights of the nightclub’s neon sign. Jo doesn’t notice, pays no mind to the man in front of her as she thinks about what’s on the other side of that door.

“What’s up?” He asks, frowning with concern, “you love an excuse to get drunk—your thirtieth birthday is as good an excuse as any,”

Jo takes a deep breath, “I told you, I’m getting old.”

“Keep going with that and I’m going to get offended,” he steps closer to her with a smirk, eyes gazing down at hers, “you remember I turned thirty, like, ten months ago, right?”

At Jackson’s comment, a sincere smile finally spreads across Jo’s glossy lips, “barely, I woke up passed out in your bed with a pink wig on and roller skates hanging off my feet.” Jackson’s smirk turns into full-fledged laughter as he recalls the memory.

“If we’re lucky then maybe tonight will end similar.”

Jo’s eyes glimmer as she teases, “no way, I’m thirty tomorrow—it’s socially unacceptable for me to wake up in some random guys bed.”

Jacksons face turns into a mock frown, “random?” As they both continue to laugh with one another, Jo shoves a dainty hand into his chest and walks past him with a bump to his shoulder. Her heels click towards the large black door with the shiny brass handle, pulling it open as she throws an eye roll at him and finally gets over her nerves and steps into the room her friends had piled into to celebrate her birth.

She wasn’t alone, she knows that—she felt that when she stood with Jackson, laughing and smiling so effortlessly.

But she was lonely.

One hour later, once everyone has gotten over how atrociously Jo’s fake shock was, the party is in full swing. People were dancing and laughing and singing along to the sound of Jo and Izzie’s nineties playlist as it blared through the speakers.

She never enjoyed being the centre of attention, which is why she specifically asked Izzie months ago not to throw her any kind of party—before Jackson informed Jo that actually, Izzie had ignored her completely, Jo’s plan was to enjoy a chilled night at their favourite bar. Just Jo, Jackson, Stephanie, Izzie and Alex.

Alex. The one saving grace of this party—his face was the first she spotted when she walked through the club doors, the first voice she heard and the first person who brought a smile onto her face. He’d sent her a wink, one which reminded her of way back when they were barely twenty, and it sent butterflies swirling in her stomach. She won’t lie and say she wasn’t disappointed when Izzie ran through the crowd of people, arms swinging and lips screaming, to engulf Jo into a tight hug, spinning the shorter woman around, and cutting through the moment.

Jo’s current personal situation seems all the more dismal as she sat with her oldest and bestest friend in the corner booth of the club, the blonde had a glamorous PR job and was now freshly engaged. After all this time, Izzie is still the lucky one. Jo watches her, telling a story to the group which had gathered into the booth, including her fiancé.

Alex and Izzie were an exquisite couple, lean and tall with ridiculous good look and great jobs. They are among New York's beautiful people. The well-groomed couple registering for fine china and crystal on the sixth floor at Bloomingdale's. You hate their smugness but can't resist staring at them when you're on the same floor searching for a not-too-expensive gift for the umpteenth wedding you've been invited to without a date. You strain to glimpse her ring and are instantly sorry you did. She catches you staring and gives you a disdainful once-over. You wish you hadn't worn your tennis shoes to Bloomingdale's. She is probably thinking that the footwear may be part of your problem. You buy your Waterford vase and get the hell out of there.

“So, the lesson here is: if you ask for a Brazilian bikini wax, make sure you specify.” Izzie finishes her obscene tale, and the whole group laughs. Except for Alex, who shakes his head, as if to say, what a piece of work my fiancée is. “OK!” Izzie shouts obnoxiously, hands slapping together as she claps, “I’ll be right back, tequila shots for us all!”

Jo watches as she moves away from the group and towards the bar, leaning over the sticky surface to flirt with the young bartender, who she already told Jo she would ‘totally fuck’ if she was still single. As if Izzie would ever be single. She said once in high school, "I don't break up, I trade up." She kept her word on that, and she always did the dumping. Throughout our teenage years, college, and every day of our twenties, she has been attached to someone. Often, she has more than one guy hanging around, hoping.

It occurs to Jo that she could hook up with the bartender. She’s completely and totally unencumbered—hasn't even been on a date in nearly two months, it was an utter disaster and she decided she needed to give herself a break. But it doesn't seem like something one should do at age thirty. One-night stands are for girls in their twenties, and as of tomorrow morning she would no longer be in her twenties.

Plus, she thinks she’d had her fair share of one-night stands and after every single time she always found that she ended up thinking to herself that she was a relationship person. She preferred to know the person, nothing competed with the feeling of being familiar with someone’s body. Knowing exactly how to make them moan, their toes curl, and their skin tingle—that’s what she wanted. And there was the feeling of comfort, being so comfortable that there was no awkwardness and you never felt too shy to try something new. She missed that. She really really missed that.

She hadn’t experienced that since her last boyfriend, two years ago.

“You look great,” Alex whispers into her ear as the rest of the group continue to chatter, his hushed voice breaking Jo out of her sad sad thoughts.

Jo rolls her eyes, tilting her head so it falls against the side of his, “you have to say that I’m your fiancé’s best friend.” As comfortable as the position was, Jo lifts her head up quickly so she can turn to look Alex in the eyes—eyes which were wide, gazing down at her. His lips were parted, as if there was something he wanted to say but as he opens and closes his mouth repeatedly, Jo decides to relieve them of the thick tension and shakes her head with a small girlish girl.

“No, I don’t,” he finally adds, eyes continuing to watch her every movement. The way she picks up her full glass of vodka with dainty hands, the way her eyelashes flutter against her cheeks and her curls frame her face—small things he’s always noticed.

The tension is cut once Izzie returns with the shots, but Alex refuses his, so Izzie insists that Jo does the two. Before Jo knows it, the night starts to take on that blurry quality, when you cross over from being buzzed to drunk, losing track of time and the precise order of things. Apparently, Izzie had reached that point even sooner because she’s now dancing on the bar. Spinning and gyrating in a little red halter dress and three-inch heels.

"Stealing the show at your party," Stephanie, Jo’s closest friend from work, says under her breath. "She's shameless."

Jo giggles, not really caring—it was something she had come accustomed to. “She’s just a little drunk.” She’s not sure when she became the person who constantly made excused for Izzie’s behaviour, probably way back when they were fifteen … maybe twelve, who knows.

Everyone waits for her next move, which is to swivel her hips in perfect time to the music, bend over slowly, and then whip her body upright again, her long hair spilling every which way. Jo turns her head away from the woman up on the bar to glance at Alex, who in these moments can never quite decide whether to be amused or annoyed. To say that the man has patience is an understatement. Alex and Jo had that in common.

"Happy birthday, Jol!" Izzie yells. "Let's all raise a glass to Jo Wilson!" Which everyone does. Without taking their eyes off the blonde.

A minute later, Alex whisks her down from the bar, slings her over his shoulder, and deposits her on the floor next to Jo in one fluid motion. Clearly, this was something he had done before. "All right," he announces, glancing over to Jo apologetically. "I'm taking our little party-planner home."

Izzie plucks her drink off the bar and stamps her foot. "You're not the boss of me, Alex! Is he, Jo?" As she asserts her independence, she stumbles and sloshes her martini all over Alex's shoe. In usuall circumstances Jo would agree with Izzie—Alex wasn’t the boss of the woman. But at this very moment, as she continues to cause a scene with her temper tantrum, Jo had to agree with him.

Alex grimaces. "You're wasted, Iz. This isn't fun for anyone but you."

"Okay. Okay. I'll go... I'm feeling kind of sick anyway," she says, looking queasy.

"Are you going to be okay?" Jo asks, concern dripping from her voice despite the fact she felt incredibly drunk herself.

"I'll be fine. Don't you worry," she says, now playing the role of brave little sick girl.

Jo thanks her for the party, tells her that it was a total surprise—which is a lie, because she knew Izzie would capitalize on my thirtieth to buy a new outfit, throw a big bash, and invite as many of her friends as Jo’s own. Still, it was nice of her to have the party, and Jo’s finally glad that she did. Izzie’s the kind of friend who always makes things feel special. Izzie hugs Jo hard and tells her she'd do anything for her, and what would she do without Jo, her maid of honour, the sister she never had. She is gushing, as she always does when she drinks too much.

Alex cuts her off, "happy birthday, princess. We'll talk to you tomorrow." He gives Jo a kiss on the cheek as she grimaces at the old nickname he had coined all the way back when they were freshman in college. Before he exits, he turns back one last time, “you’ll be OK?”

"Thanks, Alex," Jo smiles. "I’ll be fine, good night."

Jo watches him usher Izzie outside, holding her elbow after she nearly trips on the curb. Oh, to have such a caretaker. To be able to drink with reckless abandon and know that there will be someone to get you home safely—so you didn’t end the night passed out on your male friend’s bed with absolutely no idea if anything happened between the pair of you.

Sometime later, Alex reappears in the bar—much to Jo’s drunken delight.

"Izzie lost her purse. She thinks she left it here.” He huffs with a roll of his eyes, “it's small, silver," he continues, using his hands to show them the size. "Have you seen it?""

“She lost her new Chanel bag?" Jo shakes her head and laughs, a little louder than she anticipated thanks to the alcohol coursing through her system, because it is just like Izzie to lose her things. Usually Jo would try her best to keep track of them for her, but as it was her birthday, she decided to go off duty—albeit unintentionally. Still, Jo helps Alex search for the purse, finally spotting it under a bar stool.

“Oh my god!” Jo hears Jackson’s mocking tone from behind her, “the Chanel purse, Jo!” She grabs the purse from the floor, accidentally knocking her head against the bar, before turning around to shove a laughing Jackson in the chest.

Alex grins, lifting a hand to ruffle her now slightly messy hair playfully, “what would I do without you?” He asks rhetorically, but there’s a glint in his eyes as he watches her glance up at the ceiling with a smug shrug, full of confidence.

As he turns to leave, Alex's friend Andrew, one of his groomsmen, convinces him to stay.

"C'mon, man. Hang out for a minute." With that, Alex calls Izzie at home and she slurs her consent, tells him to have fun without her. Although she is probably thinking that such a thing is not possible.

Gradually Jo’s friends peel away, Jackson included, saying their final happy birthdays. Alex and Jo outlast everyone, even Jackson. Something which wasn’t uncommon, it had become a regular occurrence since college. The pair sit at the bar making conversation with the young bartender from earlier who has an "Amy" tattoo and zero interest in the aging brunette lawyer.

It’s just after three when they decide that it's time to go. The night feels more like midsummer than spring, and the warm air infuses Jo with sudden hope: maybe this will be the summer she finds what she wants to do, where she’s going and all that crap.

Alex hails me a cab, but as it pulls over, he says, "how about one more bar?” His voice is hopeful and there’s that familiar crooked smirk on his lips, “one more drink?"

"Fine," Jo groans with a roll of her eyes, a smile on her face that tells Alex she’s joking—she’s more than happy to stop at one more bar with him. "Why not?" Jo grins as they both get into the can and he tells the cab driver to just drive, that he has to think about where to next.

They end up in Alphabet City at a bar on Seventh and Avenue B, aptly named 7B. It’s not an upbeat scene—7B is dingy and smoke-filled. They both like it anyway—it's not sleek and it's not a dive, it’s more up to their speed, more them.

Alex points to a booth, “sit down, this ones on me." Then he’s turning around, "what shall I get you, still partial to a vodka cranberry or beer?" He asks, that smirk still on his lips as he’s proud to think of how well he knows the woman in front of him.

Jo tells him she’ll have whatever he's having, and then she sits and waits for him in the dark red booth, patiently as the vodka and tequila and rum swills around her head. Jo watches as Alex says something to a girl who’s stood at the bar wearing army-green cargo pants and a tank top that says "Fallen Angel." Jo almost scoffs. Jo smiles and shakes her head, ignoring the familiar pang of jealousy running through her veins.

A moment later Alex slides in across from Jo in the old booth, pushing a beer her way. "Newcastle," he says before he smiles, crinkly lines appearing around his eyes. "You like?" Jo nods and smiles back at him.

From the corner of her eye, Jo see’s Fallen Angel turn on her bar stool and survey Alex, absorbing his chiselled features, wavy hair, full lips. Izzie complained once that Alex garners more stares and double takes than she does. Yet, unlike his female counterpart, Alex seems not to notice the attention. Fallen Angel now casts her eyes Jo’s way, likely wondering what Alex is doing with someone so average. Even if the little black dress did wonders for her usually non-existent cleavage, Jo didn’t see herself as anything special. She finds herself silently hoping that the girl thinks they're a couple. Tonight, nobody has to know that she is only a member of the wedding party.

“That’s the dress you wore to our celebratory drinks the night we took the bar.” Alex notices, tilting his beer in her direction.

“Oh wow,” Jo let’s out a breathy laugh, “you remember that?”

Alex smirks before letting out a sigh and shaking his head in almost disbelief, “Of course I do. You threw up all over my bathroom floor whilst wearing it.”

Jo’s jaw drops to the floor at the mention of the old memory, her eyes scanning over Alex as he sets his beer down and lets out a hearty laugh. “Noooo,” she drags the word out, cringing, “I was such a disaster.”

Alex scoffs, “no you were not, you were a college student.”

And for the third time that night, their eyes are glued to one another’s, both having so much to say but having no idea how to say it. But this is how it had always been with Alex, even when they could feel the tension between them—they were still nothing but completely comfortable with one another. Although, in this instance, her cheeks began to heat up.

Jo clears her throat, shaking her head, hoping the waft of her hair would cool down the heat that was rising at the back of her neck. “Do you remember that apartment,” she reminisces, “it barely fit the two of us.”

“How could I forget,” Alex mumbles with a grin, “I spent half the time I lived there sleeping on the floor ‘cause your place was always flooding.”

“I don’t know why you always let me crash in your bed.” Jo thinks out loud. He doesn’t answer, just shakes his head and takes another long swig of his beer, hoping the conversation will change. “You know, I had a huge thing for you back in college.” The words tumble from her lips, so fast he barely catches them but after a second he’s certain of what he’s heard. And she wants to say it’s the drink talking—the alcohol running through her system. But it’s not. And he knows its not. She can tell by the way he awkwardly bows his head, hiding his smile and shaking his head.

Eventually, the conversation changes and it’s as if she never made the slip up. But she did. But then Alex is talking about his job and their Hamptons share that begins in another week and a lot of things. It’s always been this way, easy and comfortable. But Izzie doesn’t come up and neither does their September wedding, not once.

After the pair finish their beers they move over to the jukebox, fill it with dollar bills, searching for good songs as they giggle and tease one another about their song choices. Jo pushes the code for "Thunder Road" twice because she knows it’s his favourite song.

"Yes, Springsteen's got to be at the top of the list. Ever seen him in concert?" Alex’s eyes glimmer, as they glance down to Jo—a tipsy smile gracing his lips.

"Nope," Jo answers with a laugh, “grew up homeless, remember. Concerts were a luxury I couldn’t afford." Jo almost tell him that Izzie offered to take her back in high school, well, Izzie would have been dragged along out of pity even though she much preferred groups like the Backstreet Boys. But Jo decides it’s best not to bring this up. Because then he’ll remember that it’s probably time to go home to Izzie and she doesn't want to be alone in her dwindling moments of twenty-somethingness.

Alex chuckles, never being one to skirt around Jo’s tough upbringing, it was actually one of the reasons they became such good friends. “You’ve had a zip code for over ten years now, I’m not letting that excuse slide anymore.”

Jo mocks shock, slapping a hand against the back of his upper arm, “not an excuse, jerk.”

Not too long later, it’s last call at 7B. They get a couple more beers and return to their booth.

Sometime later they are back in a cab once again, going north on First Avenue. "Two stops," Alex tells the cab driver, as they both live on opposite sides of Central Park. Alex is holding Izzie's Chanel purse, which looks small and out of place in his large hands. Jo glances over at the silver dial of his Rolex, a gift from Izzie. It is just shy of five o'clock. They sit almost silently for a stretch of ten or fifteen blocks, besides for a few comments mixed with tipsy laughter, both of them looking out of their respective side windows, until the cab hits a pothole and Jo finds herself lurched into the middle of the backseat, her bare leg grazing his.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Alex’s lips are on Jo’s. He’s kissing her. Or maybe she’s the one kissing him. But, somehow, no matter who was the one that initiated it, they’re kissing. And Jo’s mind has gone blank as she listens to the soft sound of their lips meeting again and again. Their tongues tangle, fighting for dominance which Alex eventually wins over and Jo can’t complain … because this is what she’s wanted for so so long.

Ever since freshman year.

At some point, Alex taps on the Plexiglas partition and tells the driver, between kisses, that it will just be one stop after all.

They arrive on the corner of seventy-third and third, near Jo’s apartment. Alex hands the driver a twenty and doesn’t bother to wait for change. They spill out of the taxi, kissing more on the sidewalk and then in front of Jose, Jo’s doorman. It makes her giggle and not because she’s still a little tipsy and high from the feeling of Alex’s lips on hers but because who would’ve thought—Hobo Jo has a doorman.

Their lips don’t part the whole way up in the elevator, their hands grabby and desperate as they try to fight the urge to rip off one another’s clothing. Alex has Jo pressed against the elevator wall, her hands moving to the back of his head.

Once their up, she fumbles with her key, turning it the wrong way in the lock as Alex keeps his arms around her waist, his soft lips nipping and biting against her neck and the side of her face. Finally, the door is open, and they’re no longer just kissing and touching. They’re in the middle of her studio, and he’s slowly pulling down the thin straps of her dress, kissing the soft skin where his hands graze—savouring the moment.

Just as Alex is about to pull down the tight dress the rest of the way. His hands stop their descent, placing them on either side of her head and forcing her to look at him. Her pink plump lips swollen, hair messy from him running his fingers through the long tendrils—she looked perfect, he’s never thought she looked more perfect than she did in this very moment.

“Are you drunk?" His voice is a whisper in the dark.

"No," Jo says. Because you always say no when you're drunk. And even though she is a little, she seems to have a lucid instant where she can consider this whole thing clearly. It strikes her that, in a sense, she can have both a momentous birthday night and the one thing she’s wanted for as long as she can remember.

One thought of Izzie is in her mind, but she’s being pushed to the back, overwhelmed by a force stronger than their friendship and her own conscience.

Within seconds, Alex’s lips are back on hers and he’s hurriedly removing her dress ad she makes quick work of snapping open the buttons of his crisp white shirt. Jo doesn’t even realise they’re moving backwards until he’s throwing her down onto the soft bed and Alex crawls on top of her. Jo’s eyes flutter closed, then open, then closed again as a swarm of pleasure sweeps over her as Alex’s hand continue to roam over her body.

“Me too.”

“Hmm?”

“I had a huge thing for you, too. Still do.”

And then, somehow, she’s having sex with her best friend's fiancé.

#jolex #jo wilson #alex karev

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speed-seo · 1 year ago

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lizziestudieshistory · 4 years ago

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Let's have a chat about books, reading, and the impact of places like booktube, book twitter, and the dreaded goodreads! I've been mulling on this post for a while and I wasn't sure if I was going to write it. But as this blog is mainly a space for me to work out some feelings, I'm doing it for myself. So sorry for rambling, lack of proofreading, and the ridiculous amount of punctuation, especially parentheses. Feel free to keep scrolling and ignore me!

If you've interacted with me (in real life or online) for longer than about 5 seconds you'll know I like books... In fact "like" is a bit of an understatement... It's one of my defining character traits and has been since I learnt to read. I'm that person who, takes books to the pub and regularly falls over things because they're attempting to walk and read (and have done many times to the great amusement of my so called "friends"!) Yet, recently I've been feeling a bit...odd about my reading, like I'm not good enough to be a proper reader and, after some introspection and weird conversations with my bookish friends, I've pinpointed why. (Hint: it's bookish social media!)

When lockdown started my reading skyrocketed. At the time I was employed as a library assistant and was put on furlough while the library was closed, so I had more time than ever to read and the inclination to do it because I was bored. This led me to reading almost a third more than I usually do in a year, in some months I doubled it reading from 4-6 books a month to 10-13!

In some ways this was great, I was reading more than ever; in others it wasn't because, to be frank, I don't remember a lot of those books well. I can tell you plot and main characters but themes, feelings, my thoughts on them? Not much, for some nothing at all. In terms of quality it was a mediocre year - I actually struggled to find a top 5 list of books because I couldn't remember them and didn't think the quality was worth the praise. I did read some new favourites: Wuthering Heights, Emma, Beren and Lúthien are really the only stand out books, and maybe Rhythm of War for the sheer excitement.

However, 2020 set a precedent for me. I know I can read just under 100 books a year when I usually average 55-60. Rationally, I know 60 books is a lot when I'm a part time student, carer, and tiny business owner! Most days I only get an hour or two to properly sit down read before bed, once I'm finished with all my other responsibilities. But the possibility is still there, and it's starting to eat away at me as I've returned to my very reasonable 4-6 books a month now I'm busy again.

I've ALWAYS been happy with how much I read. But this year I'm not, and it's to do with the simultaneous reading boost and proper discovery of bookish social media. Lockdown gave me the free time to doss about on my phone (my phone and I are the best example of "frienemies" you could imagine!) In that time I found book twitter properly and, actually started watching booktube. I knew both existed but working, studying, and so forth didn't give me the breathing room to properly participate. It made me conscious of HOW MUCH some people read in a year, the boggling numbers and stats some people have around their reading lives. Don't get me wrong, I love a spreadsheet. I've had a spreadsheet for reading since I had to demonstrate my excel skills in Year 9 for a test and created one to track my reading. (I was a nerd, I know...) Point being I like stats, I like reading, both together are great - in moderation.

However, the inbuilt assumptions, expectations, and consumerism around booktube, bookstagram, goodreads, etc. are really unhealthy! It makes reading competitive and a social performance. For some people this works, it works for me to SOME extent. As I've said, I like reading stats and I've kept my own independently of bookish social media since I was 14 (cue feeling old...!) Yet the obsession with how many books you read in a month, is it more than X, am I reading the "right" books and most popular books is insane. And no, no one is doing this explicitly. But the implication is there and there IS a subtext with this unspoken competitiveness. It's not good for me and it's made me, for the first time in my life, feel guilt over what I'm reading or not reading?!

This month (April) has been particularly rough. I've had deadlines and a busy work month which means I've finished three books and a play, and I'm half way through two others. Two years ago I'd have been fine with that, but now I feel like it's not good enough? Why? Because I'm disappointed because I've not read more...

To add insult to imagined, self-inflicted injury, this has been my best month of the year in terms of quality and enjoyment. I've read some cracking novels, an eye opening non-fiction, and had the most wonderful time rereading and annotating Emma. Emma is my favourite novel! I've been wanting to slowly reread it and annotate the story for months! The extent of annotation I wanted to do, not to mention research, means I can't read it fast! Yet I'm annoyed at myself because I've been reading Emma exclusively for 16 days without finishing a book (the fact I know this is...alarming!) I've had the best time, it's been fun, enlightening, and an escape from my fairly boring life. But I'm still frustrated with myself?

So, what does this really mean?

Firstly, I do need to address, privately, my own insecurities and weird relationship with social media when it comes to books. This is a new thing, or a new awareness of it, but it does need some self reflection and rebalancing of my personal priorities.

Secondly, I'm going to avoid bookish social media. Well, mostly. Nothing is changing on here! I'll still be talking about my reading, chatting with people about their own books, and so forth. But I'm abandoning goodreads, book twitter, and booktube. I don't have instagram or tiktok so I can spare myself that palaver at least!

I'm also, for the first time in 8/9 years, going to leave behind my spreadsheet for a bit. I may come back to it because I love looking at my original clunky spreadsheet, how it's improved, and my changing reading tastes (not to mention the alarming number of times I've reread some books, it's honestly a bit embarrassing.) It's got sentimental value! But I need some space to not think about numbers for a bit.

This means I'll mainly be tracking my reading in my journal and returning to the important parts of reading. The books themselves. And my relationship with them: what do I actually think about the media I'm consuming? Am I enjoying myself? Did I take something away from this book? Not just adding them to a list to say "look at how many books I've read!" No one cares, not even me!

Basically, I want to reclaim the love of reading places like twitter and youtube sucked out of me. If you love these places then great! I'm genuinely happy for you, but my personality, mixed with pressures on my time means they're not a healthy place for me.

Anyway, back to Emma because I'm on holiday, it's the ball at The Crown, and I'm in love with Emma and Mr Knightley!

#books #reading #bookish social media #my relationship with reading #personal #long post #did not proofread #sorry guys #tbh i was fed up from proofreading my essay #emma #jane austen #emma is the best and everyone should read it

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