#mod erion

[thedeafprophet]

If you don't mind me asking, who were your tes ocs?

Ah im being visited by the ghost of Hyperfixations past. I'm giving a warning that the art here is older, some more so then others.

SO I had a few characters.

behold: old pinterest boards [this is not all of them lol]

But my main oc who I've had since i was like 13 is Eliana. She's changed a lot over the years. I was, suffice to say, pretty obsessed with her for quite awhile.

She was my main PC for Skyrim, and she primarily did the Dragonborn stuff alongside Dawnguard and the like [i split up the different plotlines among different characters]. She's a battlemage, uses a combination of fire magic and sword work, and tends to wear more lighter armor for dexeterity based moves. Originally from Hammerfell, she came to Skyrim on a rather personal mission before, yknow, all hells broke loose and oh boy! Suddenly you're expected to save the world and also you're not entierly mortal, have fun with that.

(Also fun fact, while obviouslly not by name in universe, she has type 2 waardenburg syndrome, which is why her eyes are discoloured + has hearing loss)

El's generally a pretty friendly and sweet girl, but she very much tends to get caught up in her own head, and struggles a lot with the balance between power and responbility, and uh, quite a lot of ptsd and stress by the end of it. theres a lot more but uh, we would be here forever lmao.

and uh. i guess ill give a brief overview of the others under the cut. I had vague ideas of a lot of them exisiting in the timeline and their interactions overlapping.

Laymus is an imperial who originally grew up on a farm with a lot of siblings. He struck out on his own in hopes of taking a stronger control of his own life, and because there wasn't really much for him there. Primarily a hunter, Laymus had an unfortunate encounter with a werewolf... which, left a substiantial impact on his being. He specializes in archery and fighting from a distance... at least, most of the time. [yea he's a werewolf lol. i was gonna do the companions quest with him but never got around to it. i usually play as him when im playing with survival mods, its very fun. he was also one of my earliest forays into having a transmasc oc ]

Faelynn is a bosmer, but was actually raised in Cyrodiil by her adoptive father, who ran a tavern there. She is considerbly older then some of my other characters, and long since outliver her human parent. She had a fascination in poisons from a young age, and after an... incident, became far more invested in them. She is the character I play through the dark brotherhood with, specializes in daggers and poison, alongside alchemy.

Erion is an aldermi character of mine, someone who's family has ties to the thalmor, an area of which he does not connect to. He has a rather.... unfortunately complicated history with his family, that was made all the more interesting by an encounter with Nocturnal at a young age...

He focuses on shadowy skills, a master of sneaking and not being seen when he doesn't want to be. He is the one i do the thieves guild questline with.

Adra is a dunmer, and grew up with a particularly strong set of daedra worshippers, which, suffice to say, has some complications with her background. She vaguely remembers her mother, but has little concept of who her father could even have been. She struggles a lot with self esteem and has a tendancy towards jealousy of those she percieves as doing better then her.

She specializes as a mage, primarily in destruction magic, with a knack for electricity and lightning. She is a student at the college of winterhold.

and that covers the main ones! Or, at least the ones i play the game with anyway. Honourable mentions are Valia and Ashanta, who are Eliana's mothers.

These two met during the battles between Hammerfell and the Aldmeri Dominion, of which Ashanta was a warrior on Hammerfell's side, and Valia was a healer of whom defected, their paths crossing. Its quite a tale in and off itself!

Valia died prior to the start of skyrim.......... the aldmeri are particularly kind to defectors, we shall say.

And then i have a few others. Anja is a nord background character concept I made, who runs a bakery in Riverwood [inspired by me learning about the history of bread making and the important of a baker in a town]. She also ends up adopting some of the orphans in the game lol. Allian is my oblivion character who wasnt ever super developed, i should get back to that... he's an imperial, and is actually Laymus' uncle.

I'm pretty sure I have a few more somewhere but uh. yea! thats the base up of it. hope you were prepared for my great overview XD XD

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: csa, low self esteem, self-destructive fantasies. i don’t really know how to explain it but i wish i had been raped as a child. i was sexually abused, one instance of which could be called assault, but it was a weird kind of abuse. the only time he really hurt me he ignored the first couple times i said no, sure, but he stopped when i put my foot down. it doesn’t feel like it really counted. somehow i feel like if i had been really raped i would be more worthy. i don’t have any right to be as traumatized as i am by what happened to me, it wasn’t even that traumatizing in itself. i just overreacted and ruined my own life by obsessing about it once i realized what had happened. i’m just a stupid whiny bitch who has to make everything about herself. if i had been really hurt, then it feels like i would be justified to react to it the way i do. it feels like if i had been raped i would deserve to be loved & treated with kindness but as it is i’m just selfish and worthless.

So, I want to start with what I wish I could tell every person with trauma. A common symptom of trauma is convincing yourself that what you went through isn't as bad as others. As we begin to devalue ourselves, we warp our view of how much pain something actually caused us. We start to see our trauma differently than how we see the trauma of others. We are taught that our needs aren't important, that we're over exaggerating what happened. Tldr; your trauma caused you harm, as everyone's trauma does, and your pain is not less important than the pain of others, regardless of how different it may look or be. We all have a point where we start to get hurt, and everyone's is different and still real.

It's also a symptom of trauma to idolize trauma that seems worse than yours, because it's easy to believe that if the abuse was worse, you might actually deserve help. You are not a stupid whiny bitch, and of course you're making it about yourself, because it's your trauma. That includes fantasies of what could have happened, and reactions to something that may not have happened. You are reacting to your trauma in a way that is 'normal', this is a common symptom involved with trauma.

You deserve to take space with your trauma, to look at it and begin to work with it. You deserve love and kindness, and I absolutely mean that even if you don't believe it yet. With skills, you can start to work on it on your own. Try out different ways to ground yourself when your emotions seem to be top much. I like using 54321, 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. Grounding yourself is a way to begin holding your trauma rather than fighting it. Writing out what's going on in your head just to get it out can help too.

As always, I want to suggest looking into therapy, specifically consider EMDR therapy. It's made for people with PTSD symptoms, and it begins to desensitize and reprocess the trauma in your brain so you can work through it. It creates new neuropathways to go around the paths your trauma caused so your brain begins to build itself out and away from the pain. It's helped me a lot so far, so I always like to suggest trying it.

-Mod Erion

[teeniewitches]

Mod Kohina here again with another giveaway!

Just like before, you can win any item/collection of items under $30 (including shipping)

However unlike before, this giveaway is only for people in our discord, so if you���re not in the discord what are you waiting for? Message @safenebulae for the discord link! 

Once you’re part of our discord, simply message me (Kohina-littlewillowwitch, im the head of Erion house) on discord the word “Entry!” to enter! You must have or be willing to make an amazon account through which I can gift you your items!

You have a week to enter! The giveaway will close on the 20th June!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw dissociation, trauma mention //

hi, this is somewhat urgent because i'm experiencing new symptoms but how do i deal with bad dissociation and severe headaches when thinking about a past traumatic event? even small things that usually aren't a problem are starting to trigger me. just thinking about the event as i write this out is causing my head to hurt again. my normal coping strategies (listening to music, watching a movie, etc) aren't working and it's getting really hard for me to manage and get through the day. i've talked to some hotlines and it has helped but other than that i don't really have anyone else to talk to. thanks.

Hi anon, first off I want to make sure you're safe. Do you have a place you can be or someone you can be around to keep you safe? Dissociation can drive someone to act pretty quickly so definitely make sure your surroundings are as helpful as possible.

It sounds like something recently triggered a bigger past event for you, so it's bringing down your ability to cope with trauma as well as usual. It makes sense that other smaller triggers may begin to bother you since your tolerance to them isn't as high right now.

I would suggest writing out what you can remember in a way that makes as much sense as possible, and then go back and try to think about it in smaller sections. Focus on a specific moment rather than the entire memory. It could help you feel less overwhelmed so you can start working on this in a way that helps you feel calmer and less anxious.

As you are right now, give yourself extra space to be messy and not quite on top of your usual responsibilities. Give yourself space to breathe and figure this out. Maybe start bouncing some of this off if another trusted person so you don't have to deal with this trauma response alone. People who know you well may have good information or good ideas on how to help.

Some coping skills that I would try would be to fill a bowl or sink with cold water (put some ice cubes in it if you can handle it) and hold your nose and breath and put your face underwater for 5-15 seconds. Do it a couple times to trigger your body's diving response, where it calms down your heart rate and breathing in anticipation of going underwater.

If you're able bodied, going for a run can also reset your brain for a moment. We get focused whenever we do intense exercise, and it can help pull focus away from the trigger. If you're not able bodied, deep stretching, moving your legs or arms, anything that gets your heart beating can help just as much.

If nothing seems to work, it's completely okay to temporarily put the thoughts aside and ignore them (if you're able). One skill talks about picturing a mental box that you put the thoughts in, labeling it as "will get back to later", and then putting it on a mental shelf and storing it away. It can help your brain accept that you will get back to it later.

With all things mental health related, I definitely suggest looking into therapy if you have the means. I see specifically an EMDR therapist to work on my PTSD based trauma. It's hard but it's been incredibly helpful so far, and researchers have good things to say about it.

If you need anymore help or skills, or need to talk about what's happening more, please keep us in mind and send us another message. I know you can get through this, have hope.

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: dissociation, age regression, detransition

Hello! My name is Frutes, i just found your beautiful blog and wanted to ask something about dissociation/identity/age regression since it seems you’re quite informed.

A bit of context: I’ve been dealing with a lot of identity struggles during the last 5-7 years, regarding gender identity and general identity traits. I transitioned to non-binary 4 years ago and this year I’ve detransitioned and feel fem again but very very differently than the first time. During the last year or so I’ve been having dissociative episodes, some of them lasting weeks. My depression got better but my anxiety skyrocketed. Since I started to detransition I’ve been feeling better and more confident, but sometimes I still cannot truly recognize myself and have these despersonalisation episodes where I just observe and do not know who I am. I feel very euphoric with all the fem stuff but I still do not believe this is actually happening and I sometimes doubt abot my gender or about who I am as a whole, it can be quite concerning. I’ve noticed that the more anxiety I have, the more I’m lost in my thoughts and identity crisis…

One thing about my new fem gender identity (very different from the fem I used to experience before transitioning to nb) is that I’m adoring kids’ stuff. When I was a kid and teen I was emotionally abused by my mom and didn’t learn social skills, I was a sad kid with no friends, filled with rage. Now since I’ve detransitioned to fem gender I’m experiencing a hype over childish things: I’m buying toys, using hairclips, colorful childish clothes, sweet voice, playful, etc. I’m not in this state 24/7, but I feel specially into this when I’m very happy, as if it was spiritual home or it was what I deserve and need. I just read about age regression as a symptom and I’m curious to know if this is it. I know I’m 23 and not 8, but I enjoy the aesthetics and experience so so much. It’s like this feeling and interests came out from nowhere and fills me with pure joy. My partner and I have been together for 10 years now, he’s been here supporting me during my 2 transitions and all, and he is very respectful and very happy to see me enjoy this and my “new” soft/childish occasional attitude traits. I can though act adult when needed or age-neutral most of the time, but children interests/aesthetics/manners make me feel free.

Are these childish changes something bad I should be adressing? Is this a concerning/dangerous symptom? Is it okay to embrace this as a part of my new gender identity since it makes me experience my feminity more freely and careless? Is it some form of age regression? Is it normal I don’t feel like this all the time?

Thank you :-)

Hey Frutes, first off, your gender transition as a whole is absolutely valid as is, and as it will be. Discovering who we are is a vital part of our self growth, and your gender is included. You stepped out and explored, and then found what you were looking for. I imagine being more fem again feels different because the first time, you were unsure and hadn't done the work to understand it as much. Now you've looked around decided for yourself who you are and what your identity is, so it's easier and freer to stand in the place you used to be with the knowledge that you know yourself better.

Your gender may change and flow overtime into something different, or it may not, but no matter where you land, it's a part of your self exploration and it's important that it happens. Every step you take along the way is valid. In those moments you know who you are, and that doesn't change even if/when you do change.

You are correct when you mention age regression as a possible trauma symptom. This is something that's especially different per person, but falling into something that would have brought you comfort at a time that you needed it makes complete sense. If you never had the opportunity to be a child, now you can make that happen in a safe and responsible way. This includes being able to "shut it off" and be an adult as needed. You are in control of what you do now, so it makes sense that you can control when your child side is out and when it's not.

All in all, your gender movement is normal and valid. Your age regression symptoms are fine and not dangerous. It being a part of your gender experience is also safe and okay. I suggest this a lot, but you may find comfort in finding a therapist to talk about this to. It sounds like this may be trauma related, so talking about it in a safe space may help you figure yourself out even more, and hopefully let you feel better about who you are and how you show it.

I'm also so happy you have a supportive partner in this. Having even one person like that can make a world of difference. You deserve support for this, and I hope you can continue getting it.

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey Mod Erion, do you have any advice about how to get through disassociation periods as a system? None of the techniques that we've been recommended for disassociation help us and in fact some make it worse. We want to be more present if that makes any sense to you. Thank you bunches for the advice :)

Hey there! You're absolutely right, the skills for dissociation can be very different for systems. The skills we use are somewhat dependant on who's out, since we all have preferences, but we tend to lean towards skills that can involve all of us.

The kiddos like some simple ones, like looking at clouds in the sky and finding shapes, or picking up leaves and making a colour gradient. The older ones like creating music playlists that match our mood, it can kinda force us to focus on how we're feeling and ground ourselves. We also have some phone games that are somewhat puzzles but not hard ones, so we can all jump in to do it whenever. (I can suggest some of the ones we use if y'all are interested!)

Sometimes, if we're super dissociated and nothing's working, it usually means we're either hungry, thirsty, tired, or all of the above. Eating a snack or chugging water can pull us out of it just enough that we can focus better and do other grounding techniques. Our therapists like to do a colour one, where we pick a colour and then all of us name something of that colour, aiming to name everything in sight that's that colour by the end.

If these don't sound like something that would help, send in another ask and we can give you some other kinds. We also suggest doing occasional reality checks to stay present. (we check in with a friend who knows to tell us if things are real, we wash our hands with very cold/hot water, we jump and stomp and put pressure on our body, things like that)

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

we've heard that april demonizes people with DID and are wondering if this is a safe place for systems to send asks? or she at least supports people demonizing DID which is the same thing in our opinion. we don't feel comfortable if there's someone on the mod team who hates systems for being systems?

Hey anon, this is Mod Erion. We figured we'd be the best to talk about this as a system ourselves.

We recently joined this blog and read about what's been going on. It seems like a messy situation and it's one we hope will come to an end soon. We've talked to the team here, and I can say with absolute certainty that no one, including April, has any issues or judgements for people with DID or DID in general. All system are welcome here and we will do our best to help everyone feel safe and heard.

No one wants to demonize someone based on their mental health, and we actively try to avoid doing so here. If you or anyone have seen anything on this blog that would state otherwise, we'd love to know so we can work on it.

Our goal is to give support to anyone who needs it. Systems included. Y'all are safe here, and you're welcome to reach out to us and our system specifically with any concerns. Thank y'all for reaching out as well, we know it can be hard to do so and it's helpful for everyone to know what's going on. If you or anyone would like to send an ask about systems and would prefer another system to answer, you're welcome to ask for us to respond specifically.

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Do you guys have some information about sudden memory loss and memory issues in connection with ptad/cptsd?

I'm diagnosed with cptsd and I've always been forgetful since I was a teen and I can't remember most of my childhood but lately I have gaps like 30 minutes up to 2 hours are completely missing. Like I can't remember a whole conversation or stuff. Maybe a vague foggy knowledge that I've talked to this person but even if it was some serious/important talk and not just chitchat I can't remember anything. Even if it was just 1 hour ago or a few days ago doesn't matter. The memories also don't return. Or I can't remember if the hairbrush on the sink is mine and I bought it at the store or if it belongs to someone else like a friend. I should know that right? I should know if I bought it or not. If its mine or not.

These are not the best examples the last few weeks it happens very frequently that I somehow notice there I thinks I can't remember. But these were the most recent which are still fresh on my mind.

Can it be that cptsd messes with my ability to remember things?

Hey there, yeah, PTSD and CPTSD absolutely can affect your memory. They cause symptoms of dissociation and derealization to take you away from the events that hurt you, and sometimes our brain just starts doing that whenever it likes. We can get stuck in a cycle of dissociating and feel unable to get out of it, or even realize that we're in one.

It sounds like from your ask that it's starting to act up more as of recent. My guess would be that something in your environment is triggering you, and you don't actually recognize it, so your brain keeps trying to escape it without really telling you what the issue is. This is definitely a common trait of having PTSD and it usually happens more than once over time.

The best thing I'd try here would be to start grounding (grounding exercises are helpful for sure, and we have plenty if you'd like) and staying present in different moments of your day or different places you go, and see if something is rubbing you the wrong way. If there's a moment where you just can't seem to stay grounded, you might start to find what's getting to you.

If the memory loss is starting to affect your life poorly, I'd also suggest writing everything you do down somewhere. (I do it in my phone bc it's always on me, and I'd lose a notebook quick). Even audio recordings of what you're thinking in one moment can be so helpful later on. Take your time to work through this, and consider finding a trauma therapist who works with PTSD and CPTSD specifically. I see an EMDR therapist and so far I really appreciate how much it's helping. It can definitely get better, just keep trying.

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, Mod Erion, we have a question about system stuff for you!

We're a newly realized polyfragmented system. The last month or so, we've realized that we have alters that appear to at least partially exist as a fixture in headspace. Examples: We've had an older alter resurface that holds specific trauma that's also acts as a void that holds less established parts, and makes them soupy and less defined until they're called back. We also have a sentient memory vault. We don't know much about it at this point. We just knows it steals thoughts and memory to hold indefinitely.

Is this 'normal' for systems? What could we do if it's not and is harmful? Thank you for your time,and have a good day.

Hey there! Nice to meet another system! I'm gonna be absolutely honest: there isn't really such thing as a 'normal' system. We've yet to meet another system that works the same as us. We've met systems with fictive personalities, animal like personalities, 20 personalities, 3 personalities, all of it is real and exists within ourselves.

From our own experience, it's not unusual to feel something 'stealing' memories. Trauma can definitely cause this, and I've found systems are more likely to put visuals to these things. It's how your brain is accepting what's happened and what is happening. We slowly have gained some of our own memories, and while they're usually spotty and unclear at first, they do eventually come back.

My guess would be that your head has decided that this is what it needs to do to protect you, and once you all have started finding ways to heal, it'll start coming back out. Trauma therapy can work wonders for this, we're in EMDR therapy currently and it's been amazing.

We also have an alter that's not completely there. They don't really have a form we can see or any info about them. Thinking on it, it makes complete sense to have a personality that's dissociated to the point of being not completely there or voidlike with the ability to come and go. Again, it's your brain doing it's best to keep you safe, so it felt like this could be a way to hold these memories in a less permanent manner.

Anything that your system does to cope is real, and I'm always down to talk more about our experiences if it would help!

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw - cocsa ment.

hi there, i just need to say something about how this ask was answered. i'm a cocsa victim and my abuser definitely knew what he was doing and used various ways to psychologically and emotionally manipulate me into doing sexual things to and for him. it felt invalidating when i read that children are just mirroring their trauma and bare no true responsibility for the abuse they perpetuate.

Hey anon,

My apologies for the misunderstanding. I did not mean to imply that all perpetrators in cocsa situations were completely unaware of what they are doing. I agree with you that a child is capable of manipulation and sexual abuse.

I absolutely believe you that your abuser used manipulation to coerce you into sexual acts. Your experience is valid.

Everyone's situation is unique, including the other anon's. In these situations, children are usually imitating behavior they have been exposed to, but that doesn't mean the harm they cause is insignificant or invalid. Regardless of why someone sexually abuses another, the pain and trauma that the victim endures is valid and important. It's okay to acknowledge that.

Children can be abusive, but because of their age, it wouldn't make sense to hold them accountable in the way we do for adults. They can and should work on changing their actions and apologizing for any harm they've caused, but it's also necessary to hold space for these kids due to their current upbringing. In no way though does that mean the harm that was caused to you was okay, and you have every right to be angry/hurt/emotion at them for what they did.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW for self harm, depending on your definition

Hey I know you all aren't a physical disability blog, but I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

I'm diagnosed with fibromyalgia and possibly have eds. That coupled with various mental illnesses and being a system, it's hard for us to work long enough hours to survive. We've put a lot of thought into going on SSI.

We recently quit our retail job to work fast food. We worked 30-40 hours a week, could barely walk without braces or a cane, and struggled hard to breathe while working near the end of our employment in retail. Now, we work 14.50 hours and have massively improved for the most part.

We feel like we'd be denied for SSI due to this, even though we're stuck working less than half the amount of hours we used to work to not be in that amount of pain all the time. It's caused us a lot of mental anguish the past two months, and our therapist is less than helpful.

Does anyone have any advice for us for what to do? We don't want to cause ourself agony to prove to the government that we desperately need help, but a lot of us are considering getting a second job and returning to that long enough to possibly get put on SSI and we don't know what to do. Thank you all.

I'm currently also applying for SSI, and I can definitely talk about my experience so far.

First off, you will almost certainly get denied the first time. From what I can tell, they do it just to see if you'll fight back. Don't worry if or when this happens, just apply again.

If you continue to get denied, you'll need an attorney to help look into it. There are places and organizations that offer free or cheap legal help for these reasons. You can either message us with a bit of a location, or you can try searching it up on good to see what's in your area.

It took one of my friends 3 years to get it. Another friend took just over 2 years. It's a process that will not be quick, and I know that can seriously affect your life and make things harder, which is absolute bullshit, but currently that's how the government has set it up.

If you're able to get an attorney, have them start working with you the second time you apply. It really can be the difference between being left for a year without a response and getting accepted. If you can't find one, just keep applying, most people I know eventually got accepted, it just took time.

I'm sorry your therapist isn't helping, it's possible they just don't know what to do, but they also should be the one with that knowledge. See if they can help look for programs that can help disabled people monetarily, or honestly even ask a different therapist for help. You deserve to have someone who's willing to figure this out with you.

Working with fibro and eds on top of other mentally illnesses feels can feel like a game made specifically to fight you. I usually use a cane with my fibro, but that's not usually possible at a retail job. Braces are cool and all but they're definitely not perfect and get in the way quick. I'm really happy you found a job that helps you feel better physically and mentally. Standing for hours is a ridiculous requirement that's almost impossible to do with physical pain.

The process to get SSI is just gonna take time, no matter what you do to hurry it along. I would take steps into figuring out a temporary way to wait and stay afloat while your case is looked at. Don't be disheartened if they deny it, just keep trying.

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hey!! hope you're doing well!!

so I'm curious as to what are some signs or things that your brain does in survival mode trying to survive a traumatic situation that you are stuck in for years. maybe something you realized you did as a way to survive or cope only once you were out of the abusive situation?

Honestly, your brain can do just about anything to cope with trauma. It's dependent on the person and the event. I have some examples, but if your ways of coping aren't mentioned, that doesn't mean they're not also real or completely valid.

Some common ones are dissociation, derealization, mood swings, safety checks, paranoia, things that are usually symptoms of most mental illnesses are also ways our brain specifically chooses to cope with something. Signs of this happening can include memory loss, personality shifts, change in routine, introversion, chronic pain, really anything that seems to be away from your status quo or things that are beginning to get in the way of you living your life.

I say this plenty, but especially for this situation, I would suggest looking into therapy. It can be expensive and hard to get to, so even someone you can talk to online who you can bounce thoughts off of can help you put together your methods of survival. Do this with a good set of boundaries with the other person so no one ends up hurt or overwhelmed, but even someone who just gets it can help immensely. You are not alone in your pain and you can begin to work your way out of it.

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw // bad father, verbal abuse

so im a 17 y/o (eldest daughter in my family), and since i was 10, my mom has slowly started venting to me about things that have been bothering her, and over the 7 years i've learnt enough to know how bad of a family my father comes from. he's verbally abusive to my mother, and it pains me to see her in pain.

we're from a very religious family, and i don't have any problems with it. just that, we're in the kind of family where gossip thrives more than advice, and that's what's holding me from telling my mom to divorce him.

two weeks ago, we had a religious festival, and my dad ruined my mom's day (yet again) over a small argument he dragged out. and he said some seriously mean stuff to my mom, cursed her out, and since then i haven't been talking to him. just "yes" and "no", nothing apart from that. it's been especially hard for me since i had a very good relationship with him over the years. i was closer to him than i was with anybody, and i feel terrible seeing how our relationship is tumbling downhill.

he's manipulative and likes pulling the victim card to make me and my younger sister (11 y/o) look like the bad ones. he doesn't DARE let anyone even TOUCH his phone, and he literally hides it under his pillows when he's sleeping. he talks to many many women, (i've recently quite often seen him text "❤️" to contacts with females in their pfps on messenger and whatsapp) and it makes me think vile things i don't want to think about my father. i don't know what to do, just want this to get over with as soon as it can.

fortunately or unfortunately he hasn't been physical with us ever, but if the emotional and mental pain hurts this much, then i'd like to believe that physical pain would heal quicker than whatever the hell he's doing to my mom and i right now.

i'm sorry for word vomiting and perhaps not using the right tw or messing up somewhere or the other, but i've been so stressed and upset over this whole thing. thank you so much for looking out for people the way you do.

It sounds like you're stuck as a therapist for your mother who's dealing with trauma from your father, which, one: is not your job and should not be, and two: is forcing you to see him in a different, abusive light.

You shouldn't have had to take on her baggage, even if you love her and care about her, even if she loves and cares about you. You have your own life to focus on, and it hurts to have to juggle that, especially for years.

Honestly, you could probably tell her to divorce him, and it could do nothing. People stuck in abusive relationships have a hard time leaving, so don't feel like it's on you to put an end to it. I told my mother for years to divorce my dad and it didn't happen until I moved out. Again, this isn't the burden you should have to carry, and I'm sorry you do anyways.

Emotional and psychological abuse is hard in its own unique way. There's no real proof or anything you can point to to say "this is what happened". Abusers tend to bank on that fact so they don't get in trouble. It's easier for them to gaslight you into thinking everything is fine. Beginning the process of detaching from that mindset can be painful and takes time, but it's the best first step you could take for yourself.

I survived knowing that one day I'd escape. I turned 18 and ran. It by no means solved all my problems, but it did give me more of a purpose and a will to live. It gave me a chance to heal, and plan on how to help my siblings who were still there.

What you do is your choice, there is no "right" one here. I see your pain, and I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I'm deeply sorry you and your family are in this, no one deserves to live like this. All I can really suggest is to find a therapist you trust and start talking about all of it. Fear really sets in when we become unable to talk about the pain. Let go of the secrets you're being held in, and start to find your way out so you never have to live in this again. Be the role model for your sibling, show them that it's possible to live a good life despite this abuse.

If you have specific questions or want help with a specific situation, please let us know. Even if you just need more support, you know where this blog is. You can do this.

Mod Erion

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

All you mods rock but if it’s ok I want to give a special shout out to mod Erion for their kind answer to an ask I sent in. Thank you.

Of course, let us know if we can help with anything else. 💚

Mod Erion