#tbh i was fed up from proofreading my essay

[lizziestudieshistory]

Let's have a chat about books, reading, and the impact of places like booktube, book twitter, and the dreaded goodreads! I've been mulling on this post for a while and I wasn't sure if I was going to write it. But as this blog is mainly a space for me to work out some feelings, I'm doing it for myself. So sorry for rambling, lack of proofreading, and the ridiculous amount of punctuation, especially parentheses. Feel free to keep scrolling and ignore me!

If you've interacted with me (in real life or online) for longer than about 5 seconds you'll know I like books... In fact "like" is a bit of an understatement... It's one of my defining character traits and has been since I learnt to read. I'm that person who, takes books to the pub and regularly falls over things because they're attempting to walk and read (and have done many times to the great amusement of my so called "friends"!) Yet, recently I've been feeling a bit...odd about my reading, like I'm not good enough to be a proper reader and, after some introspection and weird conversations with my bookish friends, I've pinpointed why. (Hint: it's bookish social media!)

When lockdown started my reading skyrocketed. At the time I was employed as a library assistant and was put on furlough while the library was closed, so I had more time than ever to read and the inclination to do it because I was bored. This led me to reading almost a third more than I usually do in a year, in some months I doubled it reading from 4-6 books a month to 10-13!

In some ways this was great, I was reading more than ever; in others it wasn't because, to be frank, I don't remember a lot of those books well. I can tell you plot and main characters but themes, feelings, my thoughts on them? Not much, for some nothing at all. In terms of quality it was a mediocre year - I actually struggled to find a top 5 list of books because I couldn't remember them and didn't think the quality was worth the praise. I did read some new favourites: Wuthering Heights, Emma, Beren and Lúthien are really the only stand out books, and maybe Rhythm of War for the sheer excitement.

However, 2020 set a precedent for me. I know I can read just under 100 books a year when I usually average 55-60. Rationally, I know 60 books is a lot when I'm a part time student, carer, and tiny business owner! Most days I only get an hour or two to properly sit down read before bed, once I'm finished with all my other responsibilities. But the possibility is still there, and it's starting to eat away at me as I've returned to my very reasonable 4-6 books a month now I'm busy again.

I've ALWAYS been happy with how much I read. But this year I'm not, and it's to do with the simultaneous reading boost and proper discovery of bookish social media. Lockdown gave me the free time to doss about on my phone (my phone and I are the best example of "frienemies" you could imagine!) In that time I found book twitter properly and, actually started watching booktube. I knew both existed but working, studying, and so forth didn't give me the breathing room to properly participate. It made me conscious of HOW MUCH some people read in a year, the boggling numbers and stats some people have around their reading lives. Don't get me wrong, I love a spreadsheet. I've had a spreadsheet for reading since I had to demonstrate my excel skills in Year 9 for a test and created one to track my reading. (I was a nerd, I know...) Point being I like stats, I like reading, both together are great - in moderation.

However, the inbuilt assumptions, expectations, and consumerism around booktube, bookstagram, goodreads, etc. are really unhealthy! It makes reading competitive and a social performance. For some people this works, it works for me to SOME extent. As I've said, I like reading stats and I've kept my own independently of bookish social media since I was 14 (cue feeling old...!) Yet the obsession with how many books you read in a month, is it more than X, am I reading the "right" books and most popular books is insane. And no, no one is doing this explicitly. But the implication is there and there IS a subtext with this unspoken competitiveness. It's not good for me and it's made me, for the first time in my life, feel guilt over what I'm reading or not reading?!

This month (April) has been particularly rough. I've had deadlines and a busy work month which means I've finished three books and a play, and I'm half way through two others. Two years ago I'd have been fine with that, but now I feel like it's not good enough? Why? Because I'm disappointed because I've not read more...

To add insult to imagined, self-inflicted injury, this has been my best month of the year in terms of quality and enjoyment. I've read some cracking novels, an eye opening non-fiction, and had the most wonderful time rereading and annotating Emma. Emma is my favourite novel! I've been wanting to slowly reread it and annotate the story for months! The extent of annotation I wanted to do, not to mention research, means I can't read it fast! Yet I'm annoyed at myself because I've been reading Emma exclusively for 16 days without finishing a book (the fact I know this is...alarming!) I've had the best time, it's been fun, enlightening, and an escape from my fairly boring life. But I'm still frustrated with myself?

So, what does this really mean?

Firstly, I do need to address, privately, my own insecurities and weird relationship with social media when it comes to books. This is a new thing, or a new awareness of it, but it does need some self reflection and rebalancing of my personal priorities.

Secondly, I'm going to avoid bookish social media. Well, mostly. Nothing is changing on here! I'll still be talking about my reading, chatting with people about their own books, and so forth. But I'm abandoning goodreads, book twitter, and booktube. I don't have instagram or tiktok so I can spare myself that palaver at least!

I'm also, for the first time in 8/9 years, going to leave behind my spreadsheet for a bit. I may come back to it because I love looking at my original clunky spreadsheet, how it's improved, and my changing reading tastes (not to mention the alarming number of times I've reread some books, it's honestly a bit embarrassing.) It's got sentimental value! But I need some space to not think about numbers for a bit.

This means I'll mainly be tracking my reading in my journal and returning to the important parts of reading. The books themselves. And my relationship with them: what do I actually think about the media I'm consuming? Am I enjoying myself? Did I take something away from this book? Not just adding them to a list to say "look at how many books I've read!" No one cares, not even me!

Basically, I want to reclaim the love of reading places like twitter and youtube sucked out of me. If you love these places then great! I'm genuinely happy for you, but my personality, mixed with pressures on my time means they're not a healthy place for me.

Anyway, back to Emma because I'm on holiday, it's the ball at The Crown, and I'm in love with Emma and Mr Knightley!