#my relationship with myself and my identity and the world around me is constantly changing and evolving. if you asked me to explain my

[puppmeo]

Nobody is required to explain their personal relationship with their identity with you. I, however, will talk nonstop if given the chance and will give you a wildly different answer every time

[mr2swap]

The great shift: Swap Sindrome 1

In a dimly lit room, I was masturbating with my fingertips in front of a pale white monitor. As I watched the images of boys around the age of high school students lined up on the screen, I fantasized about taking off their clothes and touching their naked bodies.

-ahh, ahh… ahh-

I closed my eyes as I fantasized about the scenes that were still etched in my memory, the memories of my body and my Gymbros in the locker room flooded my mind, At this moment there was nothing erotic about looking at my best friends or touching their oily and muscles to feel The Progress we had made in the gym, but now it was different, I was different.

I continued looking at the photographs that were shown on the Instagram profiles of my former friends, while the desperation and excitement with which I moved My small cock increased more and more.

I kept changing the photos until a photograph of my old body was displayed on the entire screen. I enlarged the photograph just so I could rotate the most erotic parts of my old body. I focused my gaze on the armpits that still had a couple of drops of stinky and sticky sweat running down towards my abdomen.

-FUUUCK! What I wouldn't give to smell those musky holes again-

The shameful and perverted words that came out of my mouth really embarrassed me, but right now I had no control over myself the only thing I wanted was to fantasize about my old hairy armpits, lick his hard biceps and play with his grazed nipples, The memory of the last time I could smell a sweaty t-shirt from my original body made me ejaculate violently, the semen spread across the keyboard of the old computer that was in front of me.

At that moment my head cleared, from one moment to the next the animal instincts that dominated me a few seconds ago immediately disappeared... and then only remorse.

I took a piece of paper that was within my reach and began to clean up the mess that I had caused myself. When I finished cleaning my little cock, I threw the ball of paper into the trash can that was saturated with balls identical to that one in a yellowish color. And they left a disgusting smell in my room.

I stood up, pulled up my pants and slowly walked towards the kitchen, avoiding looking at my fat old face on the relevant surfaces that were in my messy apartment. After doing this, I feel disgusting, but no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about my old life and in my old body.

-The swap syndrome…-

I said quietly trying to justify my depraved obsession with my old life, I had all the symptoms I had read on the internet:

“ Swap syndrome is a disorder characterized by a persistent and overwhelming obsession with a person's past life after experiencing a body swap with another. This syndrome manifests itself when two individuals involuntarily exchange their bodies thanks to the event known as “The great shift.”

People affected by SS experience intense longing and nostalgia for their previous life. They feel a deep disconnection from their new body and struggle to adapt to their new physical identity. Meanwhile, they constantly long to return to their old lives, including their relationships, daily routines, and everyday activities.

Symptoms of SS may include episodes of obsessional love, masturbation, anxiety, depression, and dissociation, as well as a decrease in social and occupational functioning. Affected people may manifest compulsive behaviors related to the search for ways to reverse the body exchange and recover their previous life.“

I've been trapped in the body of this overweight middle-aged man named Hiroshi for two years, and one day I just woke up in a room full of trash and on the other side of the world. It had been a few hours since all this had started So it was easy I searched what was happening on the internet I tried to contact my parents, but none of them responded to me even now I haven't seen my parents after so long, maybe they have They've gotten better bodies and now they're having fun. Or maybe they're in one of the many prisons trapped in the body of some convict, I don't know...

At least they can put me in contact with the Old Hiroshi who was now on the beach in Miami enjoying that new teenage body. At first, we wrote to each other every day, trying to go unnoticed among all the chaos of the world. I had to eat. So I decided. Not to tell anyone that he was actually a 16-year-old American teenager instead of a Japanese man my father's age.

The real Hiroshi helped me adjust to my new life, while I naively believed that this was something that would be resolved in a couple of days. But over time I got used to my new job in a restaurant as a dishwasher, I didn't understand the language very well. , but he didn't need it, the real Hiroshi was a quiet and submissive guy, Very different from what the real Hiroshi is like in his new life, as a popular teenager. That he spends his afternoons tanning on the beach and flirting with beautiful girls.

I used to talk to the real Hiroshi every day, but over time he took longer to respond to the messages, then to look at them and just not respond and over time he started ignoring my calls, now the only thing I know is because of the photographs I uploads to Instagram and social networks of my former friends, I didn't dare tell them the truth, that their former friend was now trapped in the body of a 45 year old obese loser…

I've been saving everything I can to be able to travel back to America and reunite with my old life. Although the salary as a dishwasher is shit, it's better than nothing, but once I'm in front of my old body I don't know if I can control myself... look down and a tiny bulge formed again in my pants from just being in front of my old body.

-Shit….-

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[polyamorouscultureis]

I need to get something off my chest. I have no one irl who will understand this.

I have been with my Fiancée for almost 8 months. Before meeting her, I identified as gay and strictly nonmonogamous. HRT turned me bi around the time we met, and we got together. Before we did, I explained that I was strictly nonmonogamous, and she said she was fine with that.

Fast forward a couple months, and it turns out she is very not okay with that. After our relationship got serious, she changed her mind. At this point, she was the most important person in the world to me, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. After a couple months of thinking and talking, we made a deal. We would be sexually monogamous and emotionally nonmonogamous. She was significantly more bothered by the idea of me having sex with other people than anything else, and for me, emotional nonmonogamy is a necessity, while sexual nonmonogamy is just a preference.

This deal is totally fine for me. While I would prefer sexual nonmonogamy, I am perfectly fine giving it up for the health of our relationship. But I fear she is trying to shift us into full monogamy and I don't know what to do.

I used to be very proud of my nonnormative identity. But now I'm in a straight monogamous relationship, and we're going to get married, something I swore I'd never do. She constantly makes jokes about me being straight (but jokes about herself being a lesbian) and how much of a jealous person she is. It makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes, I feel like I've lost a part of myself, like I'm being forced into the role I used to reject so harshly.

I miss being gay. But I love her more than anything in the world. But recently I've been really yearning for a boyfriend. But I feel like I can't tell her that. And leaving her is not an option. I know she loves me and she's willing to make sacrifices for me and she wants to communicate with me. Outside of this, we do actually have a very happy and healthy relationship. I want to be with her forever. And I also want to be with a man. And I don't want to feel like my queerness is being erased. And she's queer to, it's not like she's some straight woman trying to convert me.

We had the (non)monogamy talk over text during a brief period of long-distance. I checked the messages to write this. She was very adamant that it is okay for me to have very close relationships with others, that I can go on dates with them, and that I can be affectionate with them. The only thing she took issue with was cuddling, but ultimately said that I deserved the freedom to do so, even if it bothered her. We did not discuss kissing. I don't feel like this is actually how she feels. She acts jealous generally, especially when I think a guy is cute. I feel like, while she might say she's okay with it, if I actually got in a relationship, she would get upset.

I know that the obvious solution is to talk to her, and I'm going to. But I'm nervous. I know that it'll be messy and we'll probably both get upset. I'm going to tell her that I don't want her joking about me being straight anymore. And we're going to go over her boundaries again, especially with cuddling and all the things we didn't actually touch on, like kissing and labels. I can do it, but it'll be scary, and I'm going through a tough time rn separate to all of this. Thank you for listening to me ramble <3

This is a hard situation, and I'm so sorry this is happening. Nothing about this is easy, or is going to be easy as you work through it.

From what you have written here, I too get the vibe that she is trying to slowly transition you into being monogamous, by first agreeing to poly, and then excluding sex from the poly arrangement, then excluding cuddling from the poly arrangement... I would expect more and more gestures of affection to be slowly excluded if your relationship continues this way. All this on top of "joking" about being such a jealous person and invalidating your identity even though you have expressed that it makes you uncomfortable makes me worry she is trying to make you feel bad about being poly and decide on your own to be monogamous with her, even though you were upfront about your polyamorous identity from the start. A partner should be making you feel proud of who you are, not making fun of your insecurities about how you are perceived.

I do have a few questions for you -- not necessarily ones you need to answer, but things for you to consider. First, you said you swore you would never get married. What changed your mind? Who proposed? Are you looking forward to the wedding? Is there any chance she believes that marriage inherently means promising monogamy and exclusivity? Are you prepared for the additional level of enmeshment that comes with a legal marriage (insurances, taxes, possible name changes, etc)?

Second, you said breaking up is not an option. Why is that? Do you live together? Are kids involved? Keep in mind that you can absolutely love someone and choose to not be in a relationship with them if you recognize you want different things from life. I do not doubt at all your love for her -- you're sacrificing a lot for her comfort, which you wouldn't do if you didn't love her! -- but I do question what this relationship does for you. What would change if you changed the label on your relationship so that you are free to pursue others as you like, and she is free to pursue someone who wants the same things she does from a romantic partnership?

You hit the nail on the head when you say you know the answer is to communicate all of this to her. My concern is that she will say what she thinks you want to hear, and then when problems arise again you will find yourself in the same place you are now, if not a worse one. This sort of thing can go on a downward spiral pretty quickly.

I hope that the conversation you have with her goes well, and that she is truly understanding of your feelings. You should never erase any part of who you are to make someone else more comfortable, or because it feels like the polite option. A partner should love you because of everything you are, and if you erase all of that, there is nothing left to love. Best of luck to you, anon. <3

[mochiwrites]

ALWAYS FEELIN' A BIT INSANE ABOUT SONGBIRD!! 💥💥💥💥

Currently very invested in the Scar character development, he's very silly and I am obsessed with how you write him. Eating ur writing, I literally never shut up about it heryehur

He has so much depth to his personality. His struggle with identity, hiding the truth, opening up to others, traumatic experiences, etc. His complicated relationship with Mumbo as they walk on their tip-toes wondering what happened to get them to this point... His love for Tubbo and his hate for humanity. His conflicting emotions about death. His ever-changing view of Grian and what made him so worth it when nobody else caught his eye. The fragile concept of simply being himself and not the monster people think he is. He's so WONDERFUL AAAA!! *shakes you*

EEEEEEEEE YAY :D

scar has easily become one of my favorite songbird characters. he's definitely rounded out a lot since the start of songbird and I'm so !!!!!! about him -- and now that arc 2 is finished, I can actually talk about scar's character arc because GOD DOES IT MAKE ME INSANE. OKAY.

I remember being kinda nervous about introducing scar way back when in welcome to the circus, because I wasn't sure how he'd be received -- I mean, he's basically introduced as an antagonist right away, and he feels so different from his typical characterization. well. he's not that different, but I certainly lean wayyy more into the intimidating, scary image. and when you don't know a character's motivations for that... depending on the writer executes the writing, you could either be Incredibly interested, or you could write it off as out of character/bad writing. so welcome to the circus was absolutely a HUGE gamble. hell, everything that followed was a big gamble!

but I am so happy with how scar's development went. I think I could've added maybe one or two more one shots right before enchante to add a bit more pacing of scar's development, but overall I really am pleased with it.

arc 2 was heavily focused on scar and his betrayal (which like,,, yeah, obviously @ myself GJFHJFG) my biggest goal when writing arc 2 was showing the readers that there was more to scar than just his cold personality. that there was a reason for his behavior. it's kinda similar to how mumbo was first introduced. mumbo was off as well, though granted his true personality came about a lot quicker than scar's did.

so this arc was about exploring scar's character (and his understanding of/warming up to grian) and his growing internal conflict between betraying grian and mumbo and keeping tubbo safe. I really wanted to get across that at first scar had no remorse for what he was doing. but when he started getting to know grian, being given his kindness, when scar started to let down the walls around his heart, that's when the guilt kicked in.

I love scar's whole battle with his identity -- it's one of my favorite pieces of his character, and something that'll be explored a TON more in arc 3 (and perhaps the reason why that battle is there to begin with 👀) the way I've always looked at is: scar isn't human, but he's not quite fae either. so he's had to carve out an identity for himself; the grim reaper, a monster, it's all the same to him. he's not just standing at the cross between two worlds. he's carving a path between these two worlds -- he's creating a third world, specifically for himself

and I think scar's struggle with his identity is something the fandom as a whole doesn't touch on nearly enough as we should. scar is a man who's constantly wearing a mask, and that mask is everchanging. there's some seriously fun concepts to be played with there! which is exactly what I want to explore in songbird and this upcoming arc.

I also feel really insane about all of the backstory crumbs I've left in arc 2 for him. this one in particular drives me crazy:

( it's from the weight of living chapter three in case anyone is wondering :3 )

if you've ever seen in anime where a character has like. some ominous shadow figure looming over them and they look really afraid or panicked, that's exactly the kind of image I was picturing when writing this scene. and that's kinda what happens here! (one day when mumbo and scar's backstories are revealed, I would love to like. comb through songbird for all of the crumbs I've dropped and explain them)

but scar's character is so complex, and I think that's what makes him so fun. he doesn't operate on human morals, but he very much does have human emotions and a human heart that he buries and AUGH!!!

and I can't talk about scar's character without mentioning enchante, because C'MON. IT'S LIKE. THE SONGBIRD SCARIAN FIC HFGJDFGHJ

enchante is SUCH an interesting turning point for scar and grian's dynamic. mumbo and the boys have been kidnapped, scarian are forced to work together and they don't entirely trust one another, and they're running on limited time. and it's through this situation that they're forced to learn about each other. scar learns just how far grian's kindness goes, how he views the world. and grian starts to get some insight into why scar behaves the way that he does.

we see scar step in to defend grian against taurtis the first time under the guise of being offended at taurtis' bad negotiation skills, and not even knowing himself why he steps in! it's the first time scar sees the depth of grian's humanity and his guilt and his care for the ones that he loves. and then in turn, grian learns why scar is so apathetic and uncaring and there's some sort of understanding the two of them reach. it drives me SO insane fae. I cannot express.

AND THE GRIM REAPER STUFF MMMMMMMMM WE'RE GONNA COME BACK TO THAT. IT'S GONNA BE GLORIOUS. I've got some scar story that are gonna make people go INSANE when I drop it. it makes me want to gnaw on my arm man

songbird!scar is just so delightful to me, and I really love writing him a lot. his relationship to mumbo and then to grian is SO fun to examine, and we'll definitely be doing more of that in arc 3. I'm really glad that people love him as much as I do because <3333

[soomine-writes]

Book Recommendation - Day of Fallen Night By Samantha Shannon

Rating: ★★★★★

When I was young, I devoured fantasy books. As much as it is a cliché to say, being a child that was different from everyone else, there was a sense of novelty in being able to immerse yourself in a new world while looking through the eyes of a heroic protagonist destined to save the world. Their difference made them unique, special, and ultimately the key save the world.

As I grew older, my taste began to mature and change as I grew more secure in my own identity. Instead of being some amorphous person, still figuring out how I wanted the world to perceive me, I grew more and more comfortable with my sexual and racial identity. Suddenly, I struggled to see through the eyes of the uncomfortably heterosexual male protagonists who almost always got the woman they loved with little to no emotional effort. Additionally, as I grew older, the themes of eugenics and racisms from mostly white, cis-male authors made me increasingly uncomfortable reading their material. While I never truly strayed away from the occasional fantasy book, I found myself reading other genres that featured characters that I could better relate to.

Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon is one of the first fantasy books in a long while that brought me back to those late nights in middle school where I would read under the covers with a flashlight in hand. The novel is divided into three different storylines, divided by their belief and history to the core mythology of the world. Princess Glorian is the incoming monarch of the kingdom of Inys to the north whose bloodline is believed to keep the draconic terror, the Nameless One, from returning. Dumai is a godsinger from the High Temple of Kwiriki who is destined for greatness when her father finally finds her and reveals her greater destiny. And Finally, Tunuva of the Priory of the Orange Tree, is a warrior dedicated to protecting the world from Nameless One should he ever return.

The novel follows these three stories to explore this incredibly detailed and developed world as ruin strikes. What I loved most about this novel is that unlike some high-fantasy novels, I never felt too lost or confused in this world so different than mine. Perhaps it was because I could better relate to the characters, or that each of them felt so much like a real person, that I was able to experience the world as they did too. Every time I opened the book, I was immediately brought back to the setting, wondering how the characters were going to escape certain doom this time.

What’s more, each character felt so fresh. These were stories that were on some scale not yet told in this media, and it felt so novel reading them. I quickly fell in love with each story, and while I worried that the constantly shifting points of view would almost detract from suspense built in each storyline, the interconnectedness of the stories, despite the character being almost completely unrelated in the beginning, built on each other’s suspension.

My favorite part of the novel is just the blatant incorporation of queer themes in the story. There is no baulking at queer characters, and the story builds around trans and queer identities. They are not outcasts, but instead heroes. It is their love that makes them stronger, and it is beautiful to not only be seen by accepted and uplifted in a genre that often can hardly bring itself to see women in a good light.

Day of Fallen Night is an intricately developed story discussing how three people in power deal with the end of the world. How our relationship with our bodies, destinies, and the people closest to us are our strongest assets. What’s more, it’s a triumph that genre fiction does not need to stay true to the old masters. The world is changing, and the books the people want need to reflect the realities that many of its readers are living through.

[charbroiledchicken]

memoria praeteritorum bonorum

the sisyphean desire for a perfect life 

There are two things I constantly tell myself. Two things I believe to be absolute truths, or at least things I try to convince myself are. They’re affirmations…of a sort. Though of a different breed to the ones my friends had stumbled upon and quickly became enamoured with - sayings such as “I am calm”, “I am confident”, “My imperfections will soon be nullified” wrapped in pixelated tulle and gaudy fonts. Call me cynical, I thought they were useless. Mere repetition, absent deliberate action, will never reify them. To me, it seemed like a sisyphean process - watering barren soil day in and day out, thinking that it’s working because you see small green offshoots from a nearby plant, reflected in your growing puddle.

Perhaps ‘reminders’ is a more appropriate word for what I say. 

I have a very creative mind. 

At times it is a very loud, disruptive, “want to smash my head against the wall because why can’t I get that one song out of my head” kind of mind, but an imaginative one nonetheless. I am a prolific creator - the garden of my mind is a plentiful one, rich in offerings. In it, I plant seeds of poetry I scribbled down in the car or on a walk, hoping that, maybe, if I left it undisturbed for long enough, it could grow into something beautiful without assistance. Like one of those self-sufficient house-plants. I have fifty drafts of unfinished novels hanging from trees, adorned in highlights and aggressive edits, both capitalised and underlined for maximum efficiency. Any remaining time flowers with auditions, rehearsals, and performances.

I am a creature of dramatism and creation, sustained by my own home-grown landscape. And thus, my entire life is governed by my pilgrimage towards perfection. By my ability to draft and redraft, prune and rehearse my identity, until I am performance ready and captivating. Is the way I walk, the way I behave, and the past that journeys with me, enough to prove I’m acceptable to be around? The world around me reciprocates what I give it, so my gifts must be great.

My obsession with creating the perfect version of myself permeates every aspect of my life. My garden is thought out and gorgeous - sweetly perfumed buds and vibrant leaves to distract from shallow roots. 

Which brings me to my next reminder…

I can separate fiction from reality. 

A while back, when I was neck deep in an internet wormhole, brightness dimmed to make it seem like I was sleeping, I stumbled upon something interesting. A latin phrase: memoria praeteritorum bonorum - the past is always well remembered. Curious, I continued my search, and found that this saying was closely linked to a psychological phenomenon called ‘rosy retrospection’. The idea that nostalgia and a pursuit of greatness can cloud our perception of the past and cast everything in a rose-tinted light, blurring the lines between reality and what is aggrandised for effect. A reciprocal relationship between ourselves and the world around us - our belief in one warping the other. Green offshoots in a puddle. Through this phenomenon, our memory can change our past to appear more psychologically satisfying: weeding away imperfections like pesky plants, so beautiful flowers are able to be exhibited instead. 

When I first read about it, I scoffed. Before the hypocrisy comments - to alter the portrayal of yourself is one thing, to completely change your perception of reality was entirely another. I have pruned and redrafted my exterior, but I was still completely true to myself. 

There’s a park near my house that I remember to be beautiful. The flowers are rich in scent when I break them between my fingers, and leaves drape from trees in icicle shapes, freezing the world in a perpetual, green, winter. The winding river was clean and crisp, like Monet’s ‘Water Lilies’. 

I went there recently, hoping to bask in the same greatness. It was nothing like my memory of it. It was simple, imperfect. Branches littered the ground, and the river water was murky and leaf-filled. It was ruined. It was a shadow of its old self (if that ever existed at all). And yet, it was still beautiful. A reprieve, a small gap of perfectly imperfect reality - its organic self. 

I am Sisyphus, determined to push my boulder up, told that it was prettier up there, and forgetting the beauty at the base. This rock is heavy. 

[mkenvs3000f24]

Blog Post #1

Describe your current relationship with nature. How has this developed/evolved? Who offered you “a sense of place,” as described in our textbook?

If I had to name all the things in life I was most grateful for, nature would be at the top of my list. It truly is one of the most beautiful and amazing gifts that our planet has ever received. Not only is it the reason humans have sustained for this long, but it is also home to some of the most amazing creatures, plants, and foods that we all love.

See to me, nature is my hideaway, my safe place where I feel like there is zero judgment and true peace. Away from all the loudness and negativity this world might often feel like, in nature, there is no true sadness or cruelness, only serenity. Whether I’m on a treacherous hike or simply just on a peaceful walk taking in nature, I can always find silence in a world that is constantly so loud and often scary.

One of my favourite moments this summer was getting the opportunity to travel to 24 cities in Europe for my summer exchange program. I had taken a month prior to my studies to explore countries like Portugal, Italy, and Greece, and let me tell you, walking around in Europe is not for the weak. A scenario that comes to mind immediately is when I was in a small town called Sintra, Portugal, and we had a mere 40-minute walk; which in retrospect doesn’t sound too bad. But in Portugal, any walk means a treacherous 90-degree hike since the whole country is built on an incline! So we walked up a hill at almost an 80-degree angle for 40 minutes straight realizing that we had only made it halfway! Fortunately, I had prepared for hikes like this so I was leading my group trying to boost team morale to make it to the top, where we finally (a whole hour and a half later) arrived at our destination; Pena Palace in Sintra! Through the many mental challenges that myself and my group might have encountered, the one thing that truly kept me going during this specific hike was getting to see the amazing diversity of plants that Portugal had to offer!

My regularly scheduled summer daily walks through nature also feel like a fun challenge. I love a good game of iSpy, so when I walk through my local forest my favourite thing to do is try and identify all of my favourite plants, maybe even snack on an edible berry or two. I often log all the plants I spot on my daily walk in an app called PictureThis (which I highly recommend to anyone interested in snacking on their walks). But overall it just feels like a fun scavenger hunt seeing new plants come and go as the seasons change.

The concept of a "sense of place," as described in our textbook refers to a person's deep emotional or spiritual connection to a certain area or natural environment. It is the feeling of belonging, attachment, and identity tied to a particular place, often felt by personal experiences, history, and the natural or social features of that place. To me, I believe I have a deep 'sense of place' within nature, as it provides a sanctity for me like no other. On top of being just a place of peace, it has also been a place for me to disconnect, think, and better myself overall. I would definitely go as far to say that it's indefinitely been an enormous place of growth for myself as a person.

[blankspacebye]

Au Revoir, L' Art des Mémoires

I get a little bit wiser every time I admit that I was wrong. Get a little bit stronger every time I go and fall apart. Can't hold myself together, forever and ever, it's true.

I want to get used to finding joy in remembering and freedom in forgetting.

When people ask me about my biggest fear in this life, the answer is forgetfulness. I’m afraid of forgetting and being forgotten. I’m terrified of one day waking up and forgetting everything I’ve been through in my life; everything being reduced to simple things like just who I am or what my name is. I’m also afraid of being forgotten by the people I love, perhaps due to Alzheimer’s or dementia. That’s why I fear anything related to memory disorders.

It must be painful. It’s like being an empty human that can’t remember and feel the memories that happened in life. I remember watching one of my favorite movies Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I could feel the desperation of Joel when he discovered that Clementine, his girlfriend, decided to erase him from her memories. It’s as painful as Clementine’s behavior after erasing Joel from her mind — feeling lost, old, and not making sense of anything due to the identity crisis after losing around two years of her life.

So if I could erase painful memories from my mind, would I? I don’t think so.

A few days later, I was watching a video from my favorite YouTuber. He invited a neurosurgeon to his podcast. The neurosurgeon mentioned many functions of our body that we don’t realize are blessings. One of them is the human ability to forget. Imagine having a significant past trauma; if we forget, we can move on and get a life. Think about all the sensory inputs and experiences you have every minute, every day, every year, and throughout your lifetime. If you remembered every single thing, life would always be filled with memories that might disturb and hold you back. You’d be unable to function; you have to forget some things. Forgetting is not a flaw because of the same reason the neurosurgeon mentioned in the video. Our brain is constantly deciding what to remember and what to forget. It doesn’t always make decisions that we find helpful, but in general, the decisions it makes (primarily unconsciously) are keeping us alive.

So, am I really afraid of forgetting and being forgotten? I once wanted to forget something to dwell a world away from pain. Little did I know that what I wanted was to change how I felt about the memories — from pain to happiness. However, I realize it’s an inhumane view because scars, memories, suffering, and experiences are part of living. I couldn’t choose whether I’d rather have my brain erased to experience pure happiness again and again or know the past, its mistakes, and grow out of it. No matter how painful it may seem, our minds witness the battles we’ve fought and the roads we’ve walked. At the end of the day, we are our happiness but also our pain.

So, let’s get back to the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I love the fact that the movie isn’t aiming to be the perfect love story; it wants to depict the messiness of human relationships, and it does it so well. As Joel experiences all these memories being erased, he realizes that no matter how much pain and heartbreak he feels, it’s not worth losing these memories of Clementine. It’s an extended metaphor saying that even though heartbreak is awful, the happiness felt at the peak of the relationship and the personal growth you get from it is worth the pain.

What I see is not that we want to learn from our mistakes to feel happiness — it’s to experience them again — but experience them differently. Not totally the same, but with different outlooks, much like how Joel’s character changed to a spontaneous guy and Clementine’s character changed at the end. It seems we think that if we acted differently, things would end up more favorable.

So by the end, what’s different? If, by the end of the movie, they are still doing the same thing for the same reasons, then they haven’t learned or developed at all. No, it’s not. The whole point is that they have this revelation that there is more to it than that; they grasp a higher meaning to their fate.

It’s better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all.

People are always going to remember and forget. Pain or happiness, it doesn’t matter because a person is built from both. The only thing apparent was to live the best you can so that no regretful decisions can change the way we feel about our memories. There is essentially no safe point in time to make your perspective and the only safe point is now.

These selective memories are true representations of the experiences that are still rooted in fact and most importantly reflect how we will look back at the memories as we move on. Every thought we have, every word we speak, every action we engage in — indeed, our very sense of self and our sense of connectedness to others — we owe to our memory, they always live in us as we grow.

Having a spotless mind does not always bring eternal sunshine. Happiness is not supposed to be eternal, but it is everywhere. Find yours and spread it to the people around you.

In your memory, Sati Soirée.

P.S. When I write this post, I replaying Dividends by DWLLRS. The lyrics on pre-chorus song is on point and makes me realize that there's long way that I've been through yet there's long way there to living through. This song is exceptional and it makes me happy all day, realizing that there's magical thing called The Art of Memoirs.

I think I get one step closer to gain my clarity. Well, I know that I still have to learn more but knowing the fact that memory has its own magic were amazing. It's a same topic as I write Lieu de Mémoire but this post gives me more clarity. Well, solid in solitude right?

[bleedingfaiiry]

[♡]

[🌸] - i have a hard time recalling someone's love when they're not around. - somewhat, yeah, it really depends on my current mood.

[🌸] - i have a fear of abandonment and do my best to avoid it.

[🌸] - i am easily angered. - yes, ever since I was young.

[🌸] - i often feel misunderstood, mistreated, or victimized.

[🌸] - i am sometimes obsessive. - sometimes?

[🌸] - i experience intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, panic, and/or anxiety. I have fears of the future, and of falling apart, or losing control. - somewhat on the latter part, highkey yes on the anxiety part.

[ ] - when I'm upset, I am unable to calm down without help. - I don't think so, I've learned how to calm down on my own.

[ ] - i rush into relationships based on an idea of a person rather than the person themselves. - I don't rush into things, not really.

[🌸] - sometimes the slightest provocation makes me feel abandoned. - I wouldn't say a provocation, but I do often feel lonely and abandoned, sometimes betrayed.

[🌸] - i get separation insecurity and i fear abandonment.

[🌸] - I switch between idealizing and devaluing the people in my life. My relationships are often unstable and intense. - I don't devalue others as much as I devalue myself, but the rest is true.

[🌸] - I have an unstable sense of self and often question my identity. - yeah it's called identity diffusion.

[🌸] - I constantly feel like I need to prove myself over and over again. - I often overshare because of this.

[ ] - I engage in dangerous, risky, and/or potentially self-damaging activities with no concern to my personal limitations. - I do not participate in any risky behaviors because of anxiety and fear.

[🌸] - When stressed, I am paranoid and/or experience dissociation. - yeah...

[🌸] - I isolate myself, even when I need social interaction. - mhm, im super introverted.

[🌸] - My emotions are incredibly unstable and I change moods often (sometimes within minutes), feeling things more intensely than others seem to.

[🌸] - I often feel empty or depressed and have doubts about my future. - i wouldn't say all the time, more like sometimes.

[ ] - I often "bait" people in order to start a conflict. - i don't believe i do this unless im fishing for a response. but its more with people i don't know very well.

[ ] - I am very impulsive and often act on things without planning. - i don't do anything without planning.

[🌸] - I catastrophize my problems and see the smallest things as the end of the world. - sometimes, yeah.

[🌸] - I sometimes get intrusive thoughts, in which I'm unable to ignore. - i have OCD, so yes, i get them literally all the time.

[🌸] - I am frequently depressed and feel hopeless and have a difficult time recovering from such moods. - when i'm in the headspace, it feels like it will never end, but when i'm out of the headspace, its over quickly and forgotten.

[🌸] - I am hot-tempered. - of course, very much so.

[🌸] - I have disordered eating patterns. - yeah... i have alters with these issues.

[hasial]

Acceptance

I feel that as I get older, I’ve become more accepting of everything around me. I used to abhor furries because of how weird they were. But looking back now that I am older, I think furries just fall under the scrutiny of mainstream media and hated unnecessarily. I think it’s admirable to do what you love in spite what others think otherwise that’s how I feel. I feel the same way for gay, trans and other marginalized group because I think being different is what makes things so fun. The way I see life, life is like a chest of toys that’s opened. We can play explore new imaginations and have the greatest fun when it’s still open, because that box will eventually close forever. So I think it’s cool and hip to be different from others because it’s that makes us unique and fun to be around one another. Being the same isn’t bad either, but being the same by conscious choice feels so forced I’m a androgynous man with long hair and majority of the time I am mistaken for a girl. People ask me why don’t I just cut my hair, but I like my long hair because it makes me stand out from other men. Most Asian men like me have bowl cuts, the exact same style and hair but I can’t stand being that way especially because of the fact that I’m extremely short compared to the average man. I prefer longer hair because it distracts people from my height But my optimistic view doesn’t make me wholly an optimist. Deep down I feel that I am more of a cynic, I’m distrustful of strangers and I believe anyone who helps me is just using my to further their own goals or satisfaction. It feels like I’m constantly being patronized and I constantly resign myself to the idea that the world is simply that way and nothing more can be done. I don’t want to resign myself to just lazy and dead ended thoughts. When I talk about this to people I feel like they just wrote me off as just another one of my ramblings. But j believe that it’s important to share this with others. When I meet new people, I always get into this type of conversation believing it to deepen our relationship and thought but it just feels like nothing has changed at all. Perhaps they do feel a profound change or at least a reaction to my thoughts that I share but I’m just unaware to actually notice, but it feels more like they simply just don’t care or it doesn’t get to them the same way it does for me. Sometimes my thoughts come across as me being subconsciously signaling that I’m gay or something. But it’s nothing like that at all, I am straight and that’s simply how I believe we should lead our lives. Why do people associate these thoughts to being openly gay or trans or something like that? I think it’s because we associate these ideas to groups like these because they’re the core of what these groups stand for but it doesn’t necessarily make me gay or something. People might have a limited understanding of identity and use concepts in a binary structure where they attempt to place my thoughts in a way they themselves understand despite it not being what my reality really is. I know it’s bad to seek out intimacy just for the sake of intimacy, but I share these thoughts with others because is sometimes wish they were my girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of desperation that’s driven me to turn out like this but in my head, if one immediately understands and shares these sentiments that I choose to share with them, they seem like the perfect one to me My feelings reflect a sentiment to be validated by another person, but it seems so contradictory to my previous thoughts on creative diversity and identity. Is it simply the nuance of belief and life or is there a way to reconcile the two? On the topic of nuance, I sometimes get into the conversation on our “type” but it’s actually really hard to put my type of girlfriend into one word. I usually use the word “man eater” because I like someone who is independent, strong, and things of that nature. But I also like a person who is carefree, fun, generally brash and just not afraid to be rude. Are these opposites?

[aroaceconfessions]

I've always had a complicated relationship with being aromantic, I discovered I was aro at the end of a 3 year long relationship. I felt guilty because I thought in some way I tricked that person into loving someone who couldn't love them back for 3 years.

I felt guilty because I KNEW they deserved to be loved, they deserved to be in a relationship where they felt every single emotion reciprocated, they deserved to be loved and to know they are loved. I was just the only thing in the way of that.

This guilt has surrounded my relationship with aromanticism ever since, at times I hate it, I hate I live in a world where I can't relate to anyone, I dont see myself in my parents, in my friends, strangers on the street, even in my own community. I wanted to deny this part of me, or at least find a work around, I would get into relationships. I would fully set my boundaries, communicate, and explain me being aro and every single time my partners have been incredibly excepting. But no matter what this creeping guilt would appear, telling me that I am tricking another person into loving me when I can't reciprocate. Because god fucking dammit, I know with every inch of my body that every person I've dated deserves to be loved in the exact way I couldn't give them. For this I hate being aromantic, but other times, I love it, I accept this part of me that will never change and Im okay with that. My aromantic identity is not a flaw. And I wish I didn't see it like one. I don't see it as a flaw when other people tell me they are aromantic, I wish I could show myself that same kindness. And I think one day I can.

I honestly don't know exactly why I am submitting this here, I think maybe to just shout all these emotions into a void, or to try and find some sort of companionship, or this could be an attempt at trying to let someone know they aren't alone. Internalized arophobia is a bitch, and I want to unlearn these ideas but it's hard. It sometimes feels like the world is constantly reinforcing how these thoughts are true even when I know they obviously are not. I hope in some weird weird way me venting all these emotions helps someone in some way, even if that person is just myself.

Submitted February 17, 2023

[glitchdollmemoria]

once again beginning this with a disclaimer that i experience disorganized thinking and i dont think my wording really does justice to the thoughts i have on this topic, but im doing my best here, so my hot take of the day is i dont think its the most important thing in the world to tease out aromanticism and asexuality from trauma responses, and i think that trying to fit everything into boxes can cause more distress than it soothes.

i am NOT saying one shouldnt address trauma and work to heal from it. that is incredibly important and i will always be a loud supporter of healing from trauma and supporting trauma survivors. i am ALSO not saying that being aspec is inherently tied to trauma - aromanticism and asexuality are completely normal aspects of existence and they dont need to be tied to a "reason", just the same as any other queer identity.

personally speaking: i have a lot of trauma around intimate relationships. i am also on both the aromantic and asexual spectrums. looking back at my childhood, i think those aspec identities have always been a part of me, but i also have no way to know for sure if my trauma has amplified them. am i (usually, not always) deeply uncomfortable with and even afraid of people being attracted to me because of my intrinsic lack of reciprocation, or is it because of the way ive been hurt by people who were attracted to me? is my degree of romance- and sex-repulsion inherent to my being or a result of trauma? trick questions! the answers are unknowable and i dont have the time or energy to keep trying to know.

the unfortunate truth of trauma is that no matter how much you heal, no matter how far past it you move, traumatic events will always be a part of your personal history. i dont know if ive ever heard of a single person who can go back to who they were before a traumatic event. and especially when that trauma occurs during youth, its going to have an impact on the way your brain functions, the way you maneuver through life, and that includes intimate relationships. and thats okay! the goal with trauma treatment shouldnt be some lofty aspiration of forgetting what you went through, it should be learning how to manage the effects of your trauma, learning how to continue to find joy in life and minimize the hurt from what happened to you, and learning how to handle the situations when you DO feel that hurt.

and personally, it helps me more to embrace my aromanticism and asexuality and celebrate those parts of my identity, rather than treating them as symptoms of trauma and trying to force myself to engage in relationships that only end up hurting me worse. it does not serve me to constantly question whether my feelings on romance and sex are intrinsic or caused by external factors, because that isn't going to change those feelings and i dont really WANT to change those feelings. if treating my trauma leads to me no longer identifying as aspec, then thats cool, but its not what im seeking out. if i try to force myself to be allo, i will only further traumatize myself.

its okay to be traumatized. its okay to be aspec. its okay to be both. its okay to not where one ends and the other begins. its okay if you dont CARE where the boundary lies, as long as youre doing what you need to to take care of yourself. its okay to use aro and ace labels if you feel like they describe you, and its okay to stop using those labels if they stop benefitting you. its cool. its chill. focus on your own comfort and boundaries and happiness, and do what you need to do for your own wellbeing.

[halfabreath]

Holster goes on Survivor after graduating, part 2

here! we! go! part one here, tag here

so Holster's got a strategy to update and an ex lover to deal with and like. He and Esther didn't end great.

I feel like we don’t talk enough about why Holster’s chirped so much for hooking up with Esther in canon? Like there’s mention of a rash and a saga that requires an email but we don’t really know?

but essentially Holster likes Esther and is made fun of for it and I can’t imagine that feels good for her? And they probably didn’t do it in front of her but surely that’s not great for anyone’s mindset

Holster and Esther start dating after Winter Screw and she’s so enamored with this sweet dork who sings to himself while he brushes his teeth but the second he’s around his friends she feels like he doesn’t change per se but he showcases such different parts of himself and she likes what he doesn’t show! She’s into that! But that’s Holster like a large percentage of the time and Esther’s got a life of her own so they’re on again off again, Esther doesn’t come to kegsters or games and things fizzle and reignite a couple of times until Holster becomes a captain

Esther knows in her bones Holster will never ever ever ever ever ever choose her over his team (especially Ransom, like what’s the deal there?) and honestly Esther Does Not Enjoy having intimate conversations about how things make her feel and she’s really good at talking her way around her problems so when They break up Esther’s trying to articulate how she feels around SMH she says “I hate who you are when your uniform is on” and for Holster, who’s entire identity rests on being on A Team (literally his position on the team is being part of a tiny two person team within the larger team) this is his life this is what makes him happiest this is how he feels most himself so Holster hears “I hate the thing that makes you you”

So yeah! They broke up and then avoided each other and didn’t really get closure but also neither of them are bitter, it just felt kind of like “man I miss hanging out with them but yikes who was I at that point??”

of COURSE the first challenge involves the exes having to work together in pairs for their tribe and it’s a clusterfuck and Esther is downright cold to him. She’s sending him all the bad vibes in the world and Holster’s now legitimately worried he destroyed her life with their breakup because there’s some tangible animosity there and then they lose the first challenge and Holster’s wondering why he even got out of bed this morning when Esther pops up behind him and says “come with me, I need your long ass arms for coconuts”

The SECOND they’re out of earshot from the camp Esther‘s like “I’m really sorry I was so mean but I think it’s a huge advantage for the rest of the exes to think we hate each other so they don’t suspect an alliance”

Holster: So you don’t hate me? We’re good?

Esther: Good isn’t the word I’d use, Adam

Holster: That’s fair, I wasn’t a very good boyfriend. But I’ve got your back and we’re going to the top three, you good with that? Here, have a coconut wait let me open it for you

Bada bing bada boom, alliance

Don't get me wrong, it's awkward. Like, really awkward. The vibe of this island is uncomfortable and the near-constant rain for the first five days certainly doesn’t help and their tribe loses three immunity challenges in a row so this alliance is TESTED but Esther and Holster always surreptitiously check in by having lightning fast strategy sessions by the well or when everyone has left camp and they’re SO careful to maintain the illusion that they hate each other when they’re actually earning back trust day by day

Holster’s SUPER helpful around camp. He always offers to carry heavy things and makes people laugh and always knows exactly where the machete is and delivers coconuts to people when they’re resting but it’s miserable

There’s this SWEET moment where, after watching Esther shiver for three days straight Holster takes the machete to the woods and cuts off the bottom half of his sweatshirt to make a scarf/towel/wrap for Esther and they pretend like she did it out of spite and honestly? It’s a power move that helps Holster gain access to this smaller faction of people so they have more intel because the other contestants are like this helpful strong idiot need someone to look out for him

It also means Holster’s running around this island in a cropped sweatshirt and compression shorts

The Himbofication of Adam Birkholtz is complete

And even though Holster’s constantly surrounded by people, hungry, wet, participating in incredibly strenuous physical challenges, and at Tribal Council every night it’s still better than having to hear Ransom say they’ll never be together

Esther can fully tell Something Is Up. At first she just thought it was the stress of the game and the circumstances but then during a challenge she and Holster are on a platform way out in the water waiting for their turns on a relay race and they’re actually completely alone for the first time in days and she absolutely uses that time to interrogate Holster because she’s efficient, damn it

And Holster’s annoyed she’s taking his head out of the game and he’s exhausted and hungry and he’s the last leg of their team which means if he loses they all go to Tribal AGAIN and he can’t let his team down, he really can’t so the whole thing bursts out because he just wants her to stop and it goes like:

Esther: Look, I know you’re annoyed but you’re not telling me something and I think you can see why that would be concerning to me given the fucking context

Holster: It doesn’t have anything to do with the game, you know I’d never jeopardize this for us

Esther: No, that’s not what I think it’s just -

Holster: Holy hell, all I did was tell Ransom that I’m in love with him, are you happy?? NOW SWIM, SHAPIRO

Esther, while diving: I FUCKING KNEW IT

Holster, under his breath: that makes one of us, you could have told me. saved me a lot of time. Rude.

So now Holster’s just admitted this before his ex and 7 million viewers and oh yeah he’s gotta swim through an obstacle course so he and his team can eat today

And finally, FINALLY, their tribe wins. Holster gives it everything he’s got to gain ground (water?) and win it for the team and he’s just laying in the sand, trying desperately to catch his breath, Jeff Probst screaming in the background, while his whole tribe swarms him and if he closes his eyes he swears he can feel the ice under his feet and hear the clack of the sticks and pucks and it’s the first celly he’s earned in years and it feels incredible but it makes him ache for Samwell

Jeff notices that he’s tearing up and of COURSE asks what it’s all about and Holster’s swallowing back tears when he says “I’ve spent my whole life playing on one team or another and after graduating from college I suddenly wasn’t? And I didn’t know how much I missed it until I was on a team again and I even though I love my friends I think this is the first time I’ve let myself admit that things aren’t like they used to be and that I’m not, either”

So Ether’s watching her ex cry on national television and for the first time she understands exactly how deeply he loves his team? And how hard he tries to make them proud of him? And suddenly a lot of their relationship makes a hell of a lot more sense

After the challenge Holster’s laying in a hammock and Esther rolls into it with him and just says “We’re good. Top three?”

Holster, beaming: Bro! Top three!

Esther: What did I tell you about calling me bro when we’re cuddling

Holster: I thought that only applied to post-coital romantic cuddling? Unless of course you’re trying to tell me that you’re ARDENTLY in love with me

Esther: shut up

Holster: a heart full of LOVE a heart full of SONG NO FEAR NO REGRET A NIGHT AS BRIGHT AS DAY -

Ether: Hi, guys?? can someone vote me off this island please?

Part 3 coming soon!! This is so much!! But I fuckin love it!!

[nopefun]

Interview #494: Ryan Frigillana

Ryan Frigillana is a Philippine-born lens-based artist living and working in New York. His work focuses on the fluidity of memory, intimacy, family identity, and visual culture, largely filtered through the lens of race and immigration. Embracing its plasticity, Frigillana explores photography’s relationship to context as a catalyst for thematic dialogue.

His first monograph, Visions of Eden, was published as two editions in 2020, and is held in the library collections of the MoMA, Getty Research Institute, and Smithsonian among others.

We spoke to find out more about Visions of Eden, his love for photobooks, and photography as a medium for introspection.

Lee Chang Ming Ryan Frigillana

Thanks for agreeing to do this! As we’ve just arrived into the new year, I want to start by asking: how did you arrive at photography and how has your practice evolved so far? Your earlier work was anything from still life to street photography, but your recent work seems to deal with more personal themes.

It’s my pleasure; thank you for having this conversation with me! Wow, looking back at how I’ve arrived at this point makes me feel so grateful for this medium, and excited to think of where it will lead me from here. I came to photography somewhat late. I was initially studying to become a nurse and was set to start a career in that field, but I found myself unhappy with where I was going. My mother was a nurse and I know what goes into being one; it’s not an easy job, and I respect those who do it, but my heart wasn’t in it. I found photography as a creative outlet during that stage of my life, and I’ve clung onto it ever since.

My first exposure to photography (no pun intended) came in the form of street and photojournalism. I would borrow books from the library a lot, consuming works by Magnum and other photographers working in that tradition. At the time, it was all I knew so that’s what I tried to emulate. Even early on in my undergrad career, these modes of creation were reinforced by curriculum and by what I saw from my own peers. My still-life work branches off of that same sentiment: the only names that were ever thrown around by professors were Penn and Mapplethorpe, so that’s who I studied. Thankfully over the years, I’ve been able to broaden that perspective through my own research. Though I don’t necessarily pursue street or constructed still-lifes anymore for my personal work, I’d like to think my technical skills (in regard to timing, composition, light) owe a debt to those past experiences.

I suppose now I’m starting to explore how photography can be used as language, to communicate ideas and internal conflicts. I’m thinking more about the power of imagery, its authorship, its implications, and how photographs have shaped, and continue to shape, our reality. That’s where my work is headed at the moment.

I liked how you mentioned photography as a language, which calls into question who we are speaking to when we make images and what kind of narrative we construct by putting photographs together.

In your work “Visions of Eden”, you trace your family’s journey as first-generation Filipino immigrants in America. I was quite struck by how you managed to link together original photography, archived materials and video stills. To me, with the original photography there was a sense of calm and clarity, perhaps in the composition. But with the archived material it was like peering through tinted glass, and the video stills felt like an unsteady memory. What was the editing process like for you and how did you decide what to include or exclude?

For me, editing is the hardest part about photography. Shooting is the enjoyable part of course because it can feel so cathartic. Sometimes when I shoot it feels almost like muscle memory in the sense that you see the world and you just react to it in a trained way. But with editing, it’s more of a cerebral exercise. More thought is involved when you have to deal with visual relationships, sequence, rhythm, and spacing, etc. The real creation of my work takes place in the editing process. That’s where the ingredients come together to form an identity.

When creating this identity, I not only have to think about what I want to say, but also how I want to say it. It’s like speaking; there are numerous ways you can communicate a single sentence. How are images placed in relation to one another? How large are they printed, or how much white space surrounds it? Are the images repeated? What’s on the following page? The preceding page? Is there text? How are they positioned on the spread? All of these little choices impact the tone of your work. And that’s not even mentioning tactile factors like paper stock or cover material. I think that’s why I have such a deep love for photobooks because 1) they’re physical objects and 2) someone has obsessed over every aspect of that object.

I’m aware that my photographs lately have a quiet, detached, somewhat stripped-down quality to them. I think that’s just a subconscious rejection of my earlier days shooting a lot of street where I was constantly seeking crowded frames and complexity in my compositions. As I’ve grown older, I realize less is more and if I can do more by saying less, that’s even better. Now, the complexity I seek lies in the work as a whole and how all these little parts can form something fluid and layered, and not easily definable.

For Visions of Eden, I wanted the work to feel somewhat syncopated and wandering in thought. That meant finding a balance between my quiet static photographs and the movement and energy of the video stills, or balancing the coldness of the illustrations with the warmth of the family snapshots. The work needed to be cohesive but have enough ambiguity for it to take life in someone else’s imagination. Peoples’ lived experiences in regard to immigration and religion are so complex that they can’t be narrated in any one definitive way. Visions of Eden, hopefully, is a rejection of that singularity.

Yes, there’s definitely something special and intimate about flipping through a photobook! For your monograph, you recently released a second edition which is different from your first (redesigned, added images, etc.). Why did you decide to make it different? Was the editing mainly a solitary process?

The first edition was a partially hand-made object. Illustrations were printed on translucent vellum paper and then tipped into the gutter of the book. When you flip through the pages, those vellum sheets would overlap over certain images, creating a collage-like effect. That was my original concept for this book. Doing this, however, was so laborious and time consuming, and not to mention expensive! Regretfully, I wound up making only twenty copies of that first edition. I wanted the work shared with a wider audience so that’s why I decided to publish a second run.

The latest edition is more of a straight-forward production without the vellum paper. With this change in design, I had to reconfigure the layout. I took liberties in swapping out some images or adding new ones altogether. Also, a beautiful afterword was contributed by my friend, artist, writer, and curator Efrem Zelony-Mindell. I still feel so fortunate and grateful to have had my work seen and elevated by their words in my book.

For the most part, yes editing is quite a solitary process for me. But there does come a point when I feel it’s ready, where I share the work with a few trusted people. It’s always nice to have that outer support system. Much of Visions of Eden was created during my time in undergrad school so I had all sorts of feedback from peers and professors which I’m grateful for. But in the end, as the author, you ultimately have the final say in your work.

Given that Eden is a starting point and metaphor in the work, I was thinking about ideas of gardens, (forbidden) fruit, and movement of people.

How do you view yourself in relation to your place of birth? In your series, I see the most direct links in the letters, old photos where tropical foliage is present in the background, and the photo of the jackfruit (perhaps the only tropical fruit in this series).

I came to America when I was very young, about five years old. For my family and for many other families still living in the Philippines, America is seen as a sort of ideological Eden: a land of milk and honey, of wealth and excess. We all know that’s far from the truth. Every Eden has a caveat, a forbidden tree. Which leads me to ask: as an immigrant living in this country, what fruits were never intended for me?

I honestly don’t remember much about my childhood in the Philippines aside from fleeting memories of my relatives, the sounds of animals, the smell of rain and earth, the taste of my grandmother’s cooking. The identity that I carry with me now as a Filipino is not so much tied to the physical geography of a place but rather it is derived from a way of life, from shared stories, in the values we hold dear, passed on from generation to generation. This is a warm flame that lives on in me to this day as I write these words thousands of miles away from where I came.

Photographs have a way of shaping our memory and our relationship to the past, which in turn affects how we engage with the present. The family photographs and letters used in my book act as anchors in a meandering journey. They serve as landmarks that I can return to whenever I feel lost or need assurance so far away from “home”. They give me the comfort and affirmation that I need to navigate a space where I never really felt I belonged. The spread in my book­­ that you mentioned—the jackfruit on one side, and the Saran-wrapped apple on the preceding page—was a reference to my duality as both Filipino and American. It’s a reminder and an acknowledgment that I am a sum of many things, of many people who have shaped me. If I flourish in life, it’s because my roots were nourished by love.

I like how you mentioned photos as anchors or landmarks. Isn’t that why we create and photograph? To mark certain points in our lives and to envision possible futures, like a cartographer mapping an inner journey. Do you feel like you and your relationships with those you photographed changed through the process of making your works?

When my parents took pictures of our family, it wasn’t done solely in the name of remembrance; it also served as an affirmation of ourselves and our journey—a celebration. Every birthday, vacation, school ceremony, or even the seemingly insignificant events of daily life were all photographed or video-taped as a way of saying to ourselves, “Here we are. Look how far we’ve come. Look at the life we’ve made. And here’s the proof”.

Now, holding a camera and photographing my family through my own lens still carries all of that celebratory joy, but with so much more possibility. Before I really took photography seriously, I never realized its potential as a medium for introspection, but that’s ultimately what it has become for me. In taking pictures of my family, I not only clarify my own feelings about them, but the act of photography itself informs and builds on my relationship with each person. The camera is not a mere recording device, but a tool for understanding, processing, and even expressing love...or resentment. Though I may not be visible in my pictures, my presence is there: in my proximity, my gaze, my focus.

Does all of this impact my relationships? Absolutely. Photographing another person willingly always demands some degree of trust and vulnerability from both sides. There’s a silent dialogue that occurs which feels like an exchange of secrets. I think that’s why I often don’t feel comfortable photographing other people unless we’re very close. Usually my family is open enough to reveal themselves to me, other times what they give can feel quite guarded. That’s a constant negotiation. After the photograph is made though, nobody ever emerges the same person because each of us has relinquished something, no matter how small.

Being self-reflexive in photography is so important. I agree it should be a constant negotiation, but it’s something that bothers me these days – the power dynamic between the photographer and photograph, particularly for personal and documentary projects. More significantly, after the photograph has been made, who is really benefiting. But I guess if we are sensitive to that then perhaps we can navigate that tricky path and find a balance. 

Right, finding that balance is key and sometimes there are no clear-cut answers. That power dynamic is something I always have to be mindful of. As the photographer, you are exercising a certain role and position. At the end of the day, you’re the one essentially “taking” what you need and walking away. There’s an inherent violence or aggression in the act of taking someone’s picture, no matter how well-intended it may be. This aggression carries even greater weight when working, as you say, in a genre like documentary where representation is everything.

I remember an undergrad professor of mine, Nadia Sablin, introducing me to the work of Shelby Lee Adams—particularly his Appalachian Legacy series. Adams spent twenty-five years documenting the disadvantaged Appalachian communities in his home state of Kentucky, visiting the same families over a long period of time. Though the photographs are beautifully crafted, they pose many questions in regard to exploitation, representation, and the aestheticization of suffering. He is or was, after all, an artist thriving and profiting off of these photographs. Salgado is another that comes to mind. This was the first time I really stopped to think about the ethics of image-making. Who is benefitting from it all?

I think the search for this balance is something each photographer has to reckon with personally. Though each situation may vary with different factors that have to be weighed, and context that must be applied, you can always ask yourself these same ever-pertinent questions: am I representing people in a dignified way, and what are my intentions with these images? Communication (listening), building relationships, acknowledging your power, and respecting the people you photograph are all foundational things to consider when exercising your privilege with the camera.

Well said! The process of making photographs can be tricky to navigate yet rewarding. Any upcoming projects or ideas? What’s keeping you busy these days?

Oh, let’s just say I’m constantly juggling 3-4 ideas in my head at any given time, but ninety percent of the time they don’t ever lead to anything finished haha. This past year has been tough on everyone I’m sure. I’ve been dealing a lot with personal loss and grief and the compounded isolation brought on by the pandemic, so for months I’ve been making photographs organically as a subconscious response to these internal struggles. It’s more of an exploration of grief itself as a natural phenomenon and force—like time or gravity. Grief is something everyone will experience in life and each of us deals with it differently, but in the end we have to let it run its course. I see these photographs as a potential body of work that could materialize as a zine or book one day, so we’ll see where that goes.

Other than that, I’ve been working on an upcoming collaboration project with Cumulus Photo. Speaking of which, I saw your photograph featured in their latest zine, running to the edge of the world. Congrats on that! It’s beautiful. But yeah, just trying my best to keep busy and sane, and improving myself any way I can.

Thanks! Looking forward to your upcoming projects! Last question: any music to recommend?

I feel like my answer to this question can vary by the week. I go through phases where I exhaust whole albums on repeat until I get tired of them. So I’ll leave you with the two currently on my rotation: Angles by The Strokes, and Screamadelica by Primal Scream.

Thank you for your time!

Thank you for a lovely discourse. I had a lot of fun!

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[promiseiwillwrite]

Urgency

Bug or feature, my sense of urgency in life has created both movement and stagnation.

I have whirled in place and gone nowhere at 90 miles an hour, and I have crept slowly, like a beetle walking across an entire desert. I have wrapped the globe three times now with my travels, and I have moved mountains within myself.

I leveraged this aspect of my inner world to move my mental health forward in the last two years. I violated my own boundaries and watched myself being unable to process the people around me not imposing consequences on me.

I knew this was not sustainable. It showed me that my thought framework was jacked up, and that the only one abusing me was me. It was very difficult to accept. But I decided I had to take action.

Some things changed in revolutionary manner, with walls coming down like in Berlin. Other things were fits and starts, with me thrusting myself out of my comfort zone and being unable to breathe or process, and then just diving back to safety over and over.

Many disordered things were intertwined with positive things, and with each other, and as I moved away from black and white and catastrophic thought structures, things loosened a little.

I was abused physically as a child, and mentally and emotionally expected to react as an adult from the time I was about 5. My parents subjected me to intelligence tests, and decided that my results meant I was very smart, and that that meant I should be treated like an adult. It resulted in me becoming emotionally responsible for my parents in wildly inappropriate ways during their divorce a year later. It resulted in emotional abandonment as they focused on their crumbling marriage and insisted that I was the Cause. Told me that the other parent didn't want a girl, told me that I would be punished if I wasn't perfect. Told me that my presence had taken the focus of my mother off my father, resulting in his jealousy.

And so as an adult, I spent years in performative agony, thinking I had to go above and beyond for all people in all settings in order to have people want me around. I never trusted that anything I did was good enough. I was constantly disappointed with myself and my life because If I was so smart, I should at least have cured cancer by now, right? So I must be squandering my gifts. But I was never to think of myself as gifted. It was dead wrong, morally, to ever put myself above anyone else in my own mind in any way. That would be Arrogant, and it would drive everyone away.

I got therapy.

I was a system from 6 to 39.

I stopped being a System in therapy because I recognized that my structures and thoughtforms were reinforcing things that I thought about relationships that I knew I had to change to ever have a chance at peace. While I had periods of time with only very spotty memory formation, and I noticed the Gaps as a teen because I kept a journal, most of my time as a system was more or less harmonious and mutually aware. For a very long time I did not see myself as using a coping mechanism. It was my multiple identity, and it allowed me to feel unique in a way that didn't harm or threaten my abusers. It was how I preserved any notion of self esteem, and felt any self worth: vicariously through the people in my head that no one else could see or hear. As I matured, my inner relationships became more complex, and my inner world more vibrant. There was a point not long ago that I felt they were the most beautiful thing I had ever created.

But I chose to back away from this, and my gods, because I wasn't sure that my skills of discretion and critical thinking and observation were honestly up to the task of self evaluation while maintaining the inner relationships I had created.

I have come to see these parts as me. I still have difficulty owning them. I guess I am still not used to being integrated. There has been a long period of mourning. I wasn't sure, and am still not sure if integration was in my best interest, or if it was what my therapists considered an ideal outcome. Maybe both of those things are true. Maybe they aren't.

But things are not the same now, and I can look back and see when they began to unravel. I have been growing and changing as a person this whole time, and I had definitely outgrown the need for many of the structures I used to protect myself from abuse. I also outgrew the need to define myself using the standards of measurement used by my parents.

I don't know where this leaves me. I'm not going to be cured or pretty or perfect. A lot of my misanthropic tendencies still exist, even with the ability and new habit of challenging them.

I keep having gates slammed in my face online, and I guess I am going to quit trying to engage in any community that requires hard lines and definitions, because I haven't gotten around to setting up that sort of architecture yet.

And while I don't intend to lead an unexamined life, I am not sure that is even possible for me, I guess I will sit here with all my crazy out on the table for sale, as I redefine my relationships with my gods, and my self. I have to work on my own timelines now, and sometimes that is just going to look like me, sitting on my porch sorting gravel by size.

One thing is for sure, while I wait for my ownership and discretion to grow in, I am watching, and trying very hard to objectively (if humans are even capable of that) see what is real, what is reasonable and what serves me.

It is all very "jump off the edge and build the Airplane as you are going down".

So if you see me lurking, and not engaging, my hesitation is very real, and well-founded. I am trying to put together a single identity having never had a frame of reference.

[voilo]

My essay on being godkin -limio

introduction

I’m Limio. I’m a firegod dire/greywolf mix. I first awakened when I was 8-10 years old. Don’t remember the exact age. It started with me developing a hyperfixation on avatar the last airbender. In atla there’s a character named katara. For some reason I hated her with a burning passion. (pun not intended) Since she was a water bender, I decided that I should be a fire being, because I hated her so much. Then I realized that calling myself a fire being, more specifically a fire wolf, felt right. More right than anything else I had ever called myself. That’s when the memories started coming back, and soon I realized, I was a firegod, and later a direwolf/greywolf mix. Ever since I’ve been recounting memories, and now I basically know my entire story. Around 2019 I started joining kin spaces, but I was afraid to admit that I was a god, so I just told everyone I was a dire/greywolf mix. After a while I convinced myself that I was never a firegod in the first place. It took a lot of time for me to open up to who I really was again after that. 

My personal experiences with godkin hate

Around the time that I was rediscovering my identity, I was active on a subreddit called r/otherkringe. It was basically a hater subreddit aimed towards otherkin. I was there defending otherkin and having debates with people. Despite what many currently believe, back then, most arguments I had were civil, and the people on there, respected me in a way. This changed when I admitted to being godkin and plural. Big mistake, I know that now. I started getting a lot of hate, which caused me to do stupid stuff. My once civil arguments turned into people calling me delusional and me hammering back at them because I felt like I needed to defend myself. I became “the one who shall not be named”, and people were becoming more and more hostile the more I stayed on there. I’m not going to say that I was fully without blame. I had moments of getting overconfident, posting on there, getting hate, crying myself to sleep, and repeating the cycle as soon as I got overconfident again. It was like an addiction, which almost got me to want to convince myself I wasn’t a god again. Luckily when I hit my absolute worst spot, I messaged the moderators to ban me, and they locked the subreddit instead. Ever since that my mental health has vastly improved, and I’m doing way better now. 

Commonly used arguments against godkin

The reason I mentioned the otherkringe situation was because it shows how much people seem to hate godkin. Again, otherkringe was perfectly okay with me being a wolf, but as soon as I mentioned I was godkin, they turned on me. And it’s not just nonkin and antikin either. Even in the community, godkin are often hated. A few of the main arguments I’ve seen used against us are. 

That we have superiority complexes

That it must mean we want to be worshiped.

That it’s disrespectful to the divine to identify as divine

That it’s cultural appropriation 

I want to use this opportunity to disprove these arguments. First the “you have a superiority/god complex” argument. Most people who use this argument only know about aberhamic gods. When they think of gods they think of creatures which have all authority and are basically the only being that matters in this world. I’m not that type of god, and neither are most other godkin I’ve met. First of all, I hate being in authority. I hate it so much that all my relationships have been power play, with my partner in power. When I get put in a place of authority, I break down or tell my girlfriend to handle it for me. I can’t deal with the pressure. The most I can deal with is being a moderator, and even then, when it comes to banning/muting people, I ask moon to do it for me. If anything, I have an inferiority complex. I constantly feel like others are better than me at everything. But I don’t want this to turn into me just venting about my life problems, so I’m just going to move on to the next argument often thrown at us, “you must want to be worshiped”. As I’ve already made clear, I hate being in authority. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. If I learned someone worshiped me, I’d freak out, and not in the good way. I can’t deal with that pressure and am ot someone anyone should be looking up to. But I know there are godkin who want to be worshiped, and in my opinion there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as it’s safe, consensual, and both parties benefit from it. You can’t really tell adults what they can and can’t do with their life, as long as no one’s getting hurt. Who cares if someone wants to worship a godkin? It’s no one's business except for the worshiped and the worshiper. Next argument I’ve personally received a lot is “It’s disrespectful to the divine to identify as divine”. I think that mortals shouldn’t get to decide for the divine what the divine are and aren’t offended by. I’ve personally worked with two demons in the past, and they have both been absolutely okay with it. If anything, there was a mutual respect between us. Of course I don’t know all divine, but if me being a god is offensive to them, I’d rather hear that from them themselves. Last but not least, we have the “it’s cultural/religious appropriation” argument. As always I can only speak for myself. I’m not from any religion. I’m not attached to any earthen culture, so I might not be the best person to speak on this, but I’ll do my best anyway. I think that even if someone identifies as a god from an earthen culture/religion, it’s not cultural appropriation. They didn’t choose to identify as said god, and with a lot of godkin I’ve met who identify as a god from a culture/religion, they’ve chosen to follow said culture/religion, but again, I’m not the right person to be writing about this since I’m white and not from any earthen culture/religion.

The perks and struggles of being godkin for me personally

I’ve talked a lot about what being godkin doesn’t make me do, so now I’m going to talk about what it does make me do. For me personally, my identity makes me want to help as many people as I can. Which is both a good and a bad thing. I used to have it worse than I do now, but back in the day, whenever I heard that anyone was suffering, I would immediately reach out to them to try to help them. This caused my own mental health to drop, but I didn’t care about that. After a lot of bad experiences, I’ve learned to only reach out to people when I actually know I can help them. I have a big appreciation for life and how sacred it is, and am a pacifist because of that. I don’t even kill mosquitoes. I can’t get myself to take a life. I also have a big respect towards fire for obvious reasons. I’ve burned myself on everything you could possibly burn yourself on, except for fire. It ironically makes me feel really weak, since I’m stuck in a human body. It makes me sad because I don’t have all the powers I used to have. It makes me frustrated since I can’t help people as well as I used to. People telling me I have a god complex has made me afraid to say anything positive about myself out of fear of being perceived as self centered. It has made me more creative. It has made me love nature way more than I otherwise would have. Etc etc. For me, being godkin has both positive and negative sides, most negative sides are because of people’s perceptions, but to be honest, even though I might never be as accepted as I would have been if I were just a normal wolf, I’m still extremely happy to be who I am, and if I got to choose, I wouldn’t have chosen to be anything else.