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Ad Maiora Natus Sum

There are days when everything feels normal on the surface, but something underneath feels out of place. You wake up, go through the motions, answer messages, maybe even laugh with others. And still, a part of you feels elsewhere — like your spirit is half a step behind your body.

One night, while scrolling through a sea of words and noise, I came across a quote by St. Aloysius Gonzaga by Karina Supelli;

You were born for great things. That great things is more than yourself — More than the four walls of your house. Those big things are as wide as the sky, as wide as the world, as wide as the earth — so that’s where you work.

At first, I didn’t think much of it. But something about it stayed. Maybe because I had been quietly wondering whether simply getting through the day was enough. That sentence didn’t tell me what to do — but it made space for a new kind of thought to grow.

Greatness, perhaps, isn’t about making headlines or achieving something others can see. Maybe it lives in the way we show up — in a conversation, in a gesture, in a choice that no one notices but us.

I remembered a moment when a friend called me late at night. She didn’t ask for advice; she just needed to talk. I stayed on the line, half-asleep, listening. And after a long silence, she said, “Thanks. That helped more than you know.” At the time, I didn’t feel like I had done anything special. But now I wonder if that, too, is what Karina meant.

Sometimes, what’s “great” is simply being present. Choosing not to disappear, even when everything inside you wants to. Not because you have answers, but because you care enough to stay.

The world can feel too large to touch. And in response, we shrink. We build habits, we stay inside. We get good at hiding. But over time, those walls we build to feel safe begin to keep something in. And the way out isn’t a big leap — it’s a small, honest step.

Ad maiora natus sum. The phrase is Latin: “I was born for greater things.” It doesn’t demand ambition or perfection. It simply reminds us that we’re meant to take part in something beyond ourselves. Not as heroes. Not as saviors. But as people willing to pay attention.

And if today doesn’t feel like a day of greatness, that’s okay. Most great things don’t feel like much when they’re happening. They show themselves slowly — in the way we treat others, in what we choose to notice, and in how gently we begin again.

warm regards: L.

[blankspacebye]

Love me in the most radical form you dare to become

The remembrance of me sitting quietly watching Sore by Yandy Laurens.

Across millions of light years, if loving means the willingness to wait in silence, then I wish to celebrate it with you, fully, quietly, faithfully, through the things never written in poems, yet silently save us from everything that feels empty. To live again and again, and to die again and again, in the same form, in the same body, every single day, even when you forget who I am.

Through breakfast we arrange every morning, not because we’re hungry, but because your body needs to know someone wants you to live a little longer. Through the miles we run side by side, tracing the same path over and over again, so I can still keep up with you, even when you choose to run ahead. Through the bed we share, soft and slightly sunken, the one we replace only once a decade, because we both know, memories too need time to grow old. And through the way I quietly discard your cigarettes and your bottles of liquor from that dim little drawer in your study, not because I wish to forbid you, but because I wish to protect you, even when you forget to protect yourself.

But the universe, it turns out, is not always that kind…

Not to me, not to my friends, not even to you, Sore…

Because what we can never truly change are those who never intend to change themselves. No matter how beautiful your intentions, no matter how steadfast your faith, Jonathan remained Jonathan. Someone you loved with all your courage, yet someone who never fully learned to love himself. You tried to arrange his mornings, whispered prayers over his sleeping back, carefully removed the poisons he let into his life. You even pleaded with the universe for one more chance.

But love, Sore, is never enough when you’re the only one holding on.

Because in the end, even when the universe aligns, even when time is willing to negotiate, even when you’re granted a miracle to meet again, death is still not something you can bargain with. It’s not a destiny that can be tricked by good intentions or tamed by a love so fierce. There is a limit to every possibility, and even the most radical form of love cannot replace someone’s decision to live or surrender.

To live and die millions of times, in the same form and name, only to fall in love with the same person again. Just like the green and crimson auroras you both once saw in the sky of Croatia that night, a reminder that across a span of time almost immeasurable, the human soul returns to the same cycle, so it may learn. So it may, perhaps this time, love more wholly, more consciously, more freely.

And maybe that is what happened to you, Sore. To love and be loved by Jonathan again and again, in different folds of time, is the most sacred kind of love one could ever offer. A love that is no longer just a feeling, but an act of devotion. A love that asks for nothing in return, yet chooses to stay even when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Your goodness, almost holy, and the vastness of your heart in loving Jonathan, is a kind of forgiveness this world is unworthy of.

You held him gently. You loved him patiently. You even set yourself aside, all for the one fragile hope that maybe, this time, Jonathan could change. But time has spoken. Change cannot be forced. It cannot be entrusted. And not even the most honest love can teach someone how to choose life.

And then, as if time finally fulfilled its quiet promise, or perhaps the universe had spared a little mercy, you and Jonathan finally found each other again. In a later life. In one of the many versions of your shared eternity. After you had died and lived countless times. After you’d repeated everything again and again, with a kindness that never once lessened, even as disappointment kept piling up.

You recognized him. And this time, he recognized you, too. Not as someone who once disrupted him with love, But as someone who had quietly saved him from his own emptiness.

The moment was still. No soaring music, no dramatic embrace. Just two people, finally understanding, that patient love never truly leaves. That not all effort is in vain, though not everything is meant to succeed the first time. And maybe, just maybe, this is how the universe works, bringing together two people who have been broken enough to finally learn how to care for each other.

Your reunion was not a reward. It was the fruit of your perseverance, of the love you never abandoned, even when it seemed useless. This wasn’t about winning, nor about the happy ending the old stories promised. It was about recognition. That you had once loved someone with your whole life. And in the end, he loved you back , with memory intact, with a body no longer wishing to run away.

And in that quiet, sacred moment, I learned something, that love is not always about saving, but about choosing to stay even when saving is no longer possible. That to love is a radical act, to believe, even without guarantee. And that sometimes, the only victory we can hold on to… is the meeting that arrives too late, but arrives nonetheless.

I closed the film with a heart slowly filling with warmth and ache. Not because I pitied Sore, or resented Jonathan, but because something inside me broke and healed at once. It felt like looking into a mirror, at a love I had once held alone, at small efforts never noticed, at things I thought were futile, yet perhaps were secretly clearing the path for a meeting that hadn’t yet come.

SORE made me believe that love does not always succeed, but it is never meaningless. It lives in shared breakfasts, in quiet morning runs, in the effort to hide danger from the ones we love, even if they never know. It lives in repetition, in loyalty, in the quiet decision to stay, even after being disappointed again and again. And when love doesn’t come back, it still deserves to be held close, for it shapes us into more complete, more spacious beings.

Perhaps, in my life that’s not as intricate as Sore’s, I too have loved in silence. But that’s okay. Because from SORE, I learned one of the softest truths. That to love, we don’t always need a reason. We don’t have to succeed. And we are never wrong for trying.

Last but not least, a paradox comes from Yandy in a podcast show and if I could re-quoting: Beberapa orang rela mati untuk seseorang tetapi hanya beberapa orang yang benar-benar mencintai dengan berani yang rela hidup untuk orang lain.

Sati Soiree.

[blankspacebye]

melihat duka melalui sore yang berbeda.

sebuah usaha menulis reviu film yang sudah lama sekali kutinggalkan:

"Kamu tau kenapa senja menyenangkan? kadang dia merah merekah bahagia, kadang dia hitam gelap berduka, tapi langit selalu menerima senja apa adanya."

Kalau Jatuh Cinta seperti di Film-Film identik dengan kata ‘hangat’, maka Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan identik dengan kata ‘waktu’.

Aku percaya bahwa beberapa orang tidak benar-benar meninggal – mereka hanya diizinkan mengulang hidup sekali lagi. Bukan untuk memperbaiki kesalahan, tapi mungkin agar mereka bisa merasakan cinta itu sepenuhnya, walau hanya sekali lagi, walau hanya dalam bentuk kenangan.

Yandy Laurens kembali mengajak kita berjalan di antara waktu dan duka, antara takdir dan yang tak sempat terjadi. Sore (2025), adaptasi panjang dari webseries Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan, bukan hanya soal percintaan melintasi ruang dan waktu. Ia adalah surat cinta bagi mereka yang pernah berharap, dan akhirnya hanya bisa mengenang.

Film ini memeluk tema yang sudah jadi benang merah dalam karya-karya Yandy sebelumnya: kehilangan yang tak histeris, tapi dalam. Duka yang tidak meledak, tapi menetap, tinggal diam-diam dalam hal-hal kecil – dalam secangkir kopi sore, dalam percakapan yang tak pernah selesai, dalam seseorang yang masih hidup tapi sudah berbeda.

Dari ribuan mata di dunia, pengartian tentang “sore” selalu berbeda.

Tapi bagiku, dan mungkin juga bagimu yang pernah mencintai diam-diam, sore adalah waktu yang paling jujur. Ia tidak menjanjikan awal yang baru seperti pagi, juga tidak menawarkan pelarian seperti malam. Sore adalah waktu yang mengerti kita harus pulang, meski belum ingin selesai.

Dalam film ini, Jonathan bertemu perempuan yang mengaku sebagai istrinya dari masa depan.

Dan sejak itu, kita dibawa melihat cinta bukan sebagai api yang membakar, tapi cahaya yang pelan-pelan meredup.

Tak ada ledakan emosi, tak ada grand gesture.

Yang ada justru adalah percakapan kecil, senyap-senyap luka, dan waktu yang berjalan seperti biasa – tetapi tidak pernah kembali.

Aku rasa, inilah sinema Indonesia yang sering kali kita lupa hargai. Bukan karena teknis atau gemerlapnya, tapi karena ada keindahan dalam cara menulis dan menyampaikan.

Cara kita diberi ruang untuk merasa, tanpa harus diberi tahu apa yang harus kita rasakan.

Dan kadang, hidup bukan tentang membuat film. Tapi menonton film seperti ini bisa membuat kita merasa sedikit lebih hidup.

Sedikit lebih berdamai.

Sedikit lebih mengerti, bahwa kita akan tua, dan kehilangan kenangan. Tapi tidak semuanya.

Karena sore akan selalu kembali. Karena cinta, meski tak lagi bernama, akan tetap hidup dalam cahaya yang pelan.

Dan mungkin nanti, di masa depan yang belum datang, kita akan duduk lagi di bawah langit oranye – dengan seseorang yang kita cintai, atau hanya dengan diri sendiri.

Dan kita akan mengingat… bahwa dulu, pernah ada yang begitu ingin kita selamatkan dari waktu.

Tapi kita tak bisa.

Dan tak apa.

Karena sore, sebagaimana cinta, tak pernah kenal waktu.

Ia hanya datang untuk tinggal.

A beautiful story yet again. Banyak perspektif yang bisa diambil dari film ini, tapi bagiku, perspektif yang tercerminkan adalah cinta dan duka. Di balik keindahan Finland dan di luar kecantikan musiknya, Sore adalah sebuah ruang di mana masa lalu masih duduk, menanti, dalam bentuk cahaya yang tak bisa digenggam.

Ditambah dengan salah satu lagunya, “Terbuang dalam Waktu” karya Barasuara,

Sisa hariku, pagi berganti waktu yang memelukmu. Kita ‘kan tua dan kehilangan pegangan. Sisa napasku, cinta tak kenal waktu menjagamu.

Apa yang menarik dari film SORE?

Alur cerita yang tidak tertebak. 

Pemilihan aktor. 

Pesan yang disampaikan. SORE menawarkan sebuah perjalanan yang realistis dimana kita tidak bisa mengulang waktu hanya untuk berharap bahwa kita semua memiliki akhir yang lebih baik. Sekalipun ternyata kita bisa mengulang waktu tersebut, berusaha untuk membuat semuanya menjadi lebih baik, nyatanya kita tidak bisa mengubah seseorang. “Manusia enggak akan berubah karena rasa takut. Tapi manusia bisa berubah karena merasa dicintai”. Pada akhirnya, waktu terus berjalan. Yang bisa kita lakukan adalah mencintai dengan sebaik-baiknya. Karena dengan perasaan cinta yang tulus itu, tidak disangka-sangka malah bisa menjadi penyebab seseorang berubah, memilih jalan yang lebih baik. Ketika kita tahu bahwa kita sedang dicintai dengan setulus-tulusnya, kita akan merasa bahwa kita ingin hidup seperti ini dengan lebih lama — kalau bisa malah selama-lamanya. Oleh karena itu, kita akan berusaha melakukan hal-hal baik yang bisa membuat kita hidup lebih lama.

10/10.

Last but not least, sepanjang aku menikmati setiap karya Yandy Laurens, kesemuanya sukses mendapatkan tempat tersendiri di hati para penikmatanya. Terutama ketika aku mendapati bagaimana proses kreatif Yandy Laurens bekerja dan menggarap karya-karyanya dengan penuh dedikasi. Yandy Laurens selalu menempatkan dirinya layaknya piring kosong setiap kali memulai karya-karyanya dan ia membiarkan orang di sekelilingnya mengisinya dengan aneka lauk pauk dengan porsi yang pas. Sebagai penikmat karya seni abal-abal, aku melihat Yandy Laurens sangat membumi dan mungkin karena itulah karya-karyanya seperti lanskap alam yang magis dan bercerita. Cantik dan manis.

Sati Soiree.

[blankspacebye]

you’re just a part of someone’s memory

Maybe you’ll just end up being a name on a list of phone numbers that someone new might call.

It was raining in the afternoon while I drank coffee at a popular coffee shop. Phoebe Bridgers' song "Scott Street" played in the background. I took out my pen and wrote as the ink slowly dried.

I couldn't help but look out the window, where I saw young kids hanging out with friends, forgetting all the heartaches and worries that one person cannot handle. They lived like young, free-spirited souls.

As the song continued, I thought about the times when I was like them—reckless and living in the moment, keeping the main stories in one journal.

However, not all endings are joyful. As we get older, we tend to drift apart, cutting off links, or perhaps simply growing up without each other's support.

“Anyway, don’t be a stranger.”

This is the kind of line I always want to say whenever another year ends.

I wish that as we grow up, we continue to have each other’s backs—a one-call-away friend, remembering the moments that made us happy.

Even if we grow apart, we still remember each other's name.

But maybe not everyone cherishes the memories you share together.

Maybe it’s part of getting old—being forgotten, slowly forgetting the happy times with old friends.

Yet whenever I look at my journal filled with memories from different friend groups, I can't help but feel happy.

When I meet them again, it’s a new version of themselves that I need to get to know.

We catch up like in the past, yet you can feel they are not the same person you once knew. Maybe it’s a good thing, but maybe it’s not.

You’ll realize that you’re just part of someone’s memory.

When a new school year or a new year ends, many connections can fade.

Maybe you’ll just end up being a name on a list of phone numbers that someone new might call.

[blankspacebye]

The Idea Of Forgiveness

The world around is beautiful when the world within you is peaceful. (Pinterest)

I used to believe that people who hurt me would eventually face the same pain they caused, or even something worse. I had this strong faith in the idea of karma — that everyone gets exactly what they deserve. Most of the time, I hoped that the suffering they put on me would come back to them in equal measure.

Whenever their hurtful words pierced through me, my mind would dwell on the thought of them hearing even harsher words in return. If their actions made me feel belittled, I hoped that others would do the same to them, so they could taste the bitterness they had served. This longing for retribution kept me tied to the pain and was making it hard for me to move forward.

I kept waiting for karma to catch up with them, convinced that it was just a matter of time before they faced the consequences of their actions. My belief in karma was so strong that I thought it would never miss its target.

But as the days passed, their lives continued on without apparent trouble or regret. Watching them seemingly live their lives effortlessly while I was stuck in a cycle of pain made me feel suffocated, as though I was being choked by my own frustrations.

It felt incredibly unfair that while I was grappling with the emotional scars they had left on me, they appeared to be enjoying their lives without a care. The more I compared their ease with my suffering, the more it fueled my sense of injustice.

It might seem harsh to admit that I wanted revenge. I wasn’t actively plotting or seeking it out. I was merely waiting for karma to work its course. But I came to realize that my desire to see them suffer was, in itself, a form of revenge. Even though I wasn’t taking any direct action to revenge, the simmering anger and bitterness I held onto — because the world still allowed them comfort — prevented me from having inner peace. It was as if my own anger was a barrier, keeping me from moving forward and living fully.

Gradually, I started to let go of these negative feelings. It wasn’t an overnight process. It took time and effort to release the anger and pain that had been rooting within me. Although forgetting was challenging, I began to understand the importance of letting go. God, knowing the deepest corners of my heart that He revealed to me the priceless lesson of forgiveness.

Initially, I thought forgiveness was simply about saying, “I forgive you.” But I soon learned that it was much more complex. True forgiveness requires not just words but a sincere release of the pain and hurt. I couldn’t genuinely forgive until I had completely let go of the lingering resentment in my heart. It was a difficult journey, but one that was necessary for my own healing.

I had to come to terms with things beyond my control and accept experiences that fell far short of my expectations. Accepting this was not easy, especially when seeing those who wronged me living their lives without an apology. It was a process of adapting to the reality of their continued comfort while I was still grappling with the past.

When I finally reached a place of acceptance and genuine forgiveness, I felt a sense of peace that was beyond compare. My heart was no longer burdened by envy or anger. And I realized that it was what I seek the most. Peace.

Now, I strive to approach whatever life brings with an open and accepting heart. If it aligns with my hopes, I will be thankful. But if they don’t, I accept that I have no control over certain outcomes and embrace them with open heart. This shift in perspective has allowed me to find tranquility and move forward with a lighter heart.

For every painful word and action that once left a mark on my heart, I have chosen to forgive. This decision wasn’t easy, but knowing that forgiveness leads to inner peace has made it worth the effort. I forgive not to seem saintly or to ease the burden of those who wronged me.

I forgive for my own well-being. I choose forgiveness to live a life of peace and to keep my heart free from bitterness. Forgiveness helps me move forward without being haunted by the shadows of the past. It means releasing myself from the chains of past hurts and opening the door to new possibilities of happiness and peace.

Because through forgiveness, I heal.

And through letting go, I allow myself to grow.

[blankspacebye]

Maturity is when you don’t force people to choose you.

Maturity is when you don’t force people to choose you. Maturity is when you’ve accepted that such is life, and that not everything will go accordingly to your plan, and not everyone/everything you love will love you right back.

I used to be besotted with this one guy a long time ago, and when things turned sour between us and we no longer speak, I would kick and scream, repeating the question of “why” over and over again to my friends and family (much to their annoyance and dismay).

I just couldn’t comprehend why things fell apart, and why I wasn’t the one he chose in the end. Admittedly, I used to desperately cling onto any oppurtunity I could get just to “accidentally” bump into him, just for a sliver of hope that we’ll have a second alone and I could spill to him the ocean of things I’ve buried within me for the entirety of our complicated relationship.

I wanted to tell him that he’s made me feel an inexplicable way no one has ever been able to bring out of me before. I wanted to tell him that my body felt like it has been lit up by fire and sparks every single time his hands are on any part of my body. I wanted to tell him that I’ve shed countless nights of tears over him when we ceased contact.

I wanted to tell him to give me a chance, just a solid, honest chance and that we’ll work out and live happily ever after, despite all the realistic obstacles that deemed us incompatible from the start.

I’m thankful that I never had that oppurtunity.

Why are we out here begging people for love and attention (bare minimum, by the way). Why are we out here lapping out breadcrumbs? (girl, stand the fk up).

Upon much reflection, I thought to myself: how gross it is that I’m really out here trying to force someone to love me back? It’s actually really creepy if you really think about it.

Why are we encroaching on someone’s right of choice, swaying them into decisions and choices that they’re uncomfortable in making and pressuring them to conform to our ideals?

No one owes us anything. Not everyone HAS to love us back, and we don’t have the right to demand it either.

Maturing is realising that people don’t owe us our idealised life that we dreamed up in our head, and maturing is realising that we don’t want that kind of connection/people in our lives anyway, not if we have to force and convince them in the first place.

[blankspacebye]

Heirloom Pain

Heirloom Pain is for the girls who know that they will make it no matter how hard it is, people who always try to fit in and their best, so much plans for all their hopes just to end up being the burned out gifted kid, and to the person who just want to makes their loved ones proud.

Big hugs to those who grew up carrying heirloom pain.

Feel like a deadbat dad — an analogy to a similar feeling of hollow and emptiness, people forced us to be an adult once we reach our 20s, figuring things out are our meal. I mourn what could have been, what will not be, and what I can’t be. Grieving the person I used to be. All the daughters turn into blood-soaked after years of licking and hiding their own wounds.

Life will always surprise you, but you have to live with that.

The cycle is just repetitive. One day I feel like I am healed, but the next day I feel not okay. I was born with something rotten inside me, dad’s temper and mom’s mistakes, home is not a home sometimes, given responsibility to understand everyone, it makes me who I am today.

I don’t know what’s going on with me, it has to be perfect.

How many times someone should have helped me? I miss who I used to be. It seems that when life gets hard, I have to get and try harder to match. Build a pillow barricade so the ghosts can’t get to me. But they said I haven’t lost who I am, I am just different now and that’s okay.

What if I can’t make it?

To be a human is to fail and make mistakes. Everyone does. Wake up tired and vaguely sore, you’ll be fine because you always end up just fine. If you missed a day, there will be next. There is so much more life to live. The life has not forgotten you.

Be whoever you want to be, life’s a gamble and you’ll have to live with that.

I think we are a collection of all the things that have ever happened to us. To realize you will always be you, spent most of your life with yourself, and running away from yourself. It’s exhausting to be the one who is always holding on last.

But in the end, no matter how much you try to run away from yourself — you still on the same pavement.

I am trying to show people love even though it’s fuck up

[blankspacebye]

FAILING IS NOT AN OPTION

Some of us cannot afford to fail. Whether you are the breadwinner of the family, the one who helps, or an independent person, failing is a nightmare for those who don’t have the privilege of choices. They have their whole future on the line for that one chance.

Looking back at my efforts, I realized that everything I did was for my future. From a young age, I was told that I was the future of my family — that I would be the one to help them live better. And I can’t afford to fail them. “Grades are just a number?” No. My grades define me. My grades are my lifeline. They’re not just numbers; they are the only thing that will help me escape this poor and mediocre life. My grades are my future.

I cannot afford to fail. I don’t have a backup plan. I am the backup.

Of course, failures are inevitable. I was so focused on succeeding that I neglected the fact that the universe would occasionally make me taste failure, from daily setbacks to major failures. There was a time when I failed to meet everyone’s expectations — my own and those of the people around me. Why did I have to fail like this? Why did I make that mistake? Why couldn’t I be perfect as everyone wanted, so I wouldn’t hurt myself and others? I am so jealous of people who effortlessly succeed while I put in all my blood, sweat, and tears to make it.

As time challenged me to grow, I learned from my experiences that we should be flexible and open to alternatives. Just because you fail doesn’t mean you can’t try again. We are all human — we have flaws, we make mistakes, and we’re not perfect all the time. Perhaps this fear of trying again stems from the expectations of those around us.

As long as we know we did our best, we shouldn’t blame ourselves. Efforts should be seen, heard, and appreciated. So, with the small wins and achievements you are making for yourself and your future, give yourself a big pat on the back. You did your best.

Failing is not an option — but when you do fail, always remember and learn the lessons it teaches you. In that way, you didn’t truly fail. You gain more than you lose. You win by learning.

I’m proud of you for trying.

[blankspacebye]

there’s a younger version of you that is proud of how far you’ve come today

“Whenever I feel unappreciated and nobody’s proud of me, I always imagine the inner child in me, clapping and telling me how proud she is to me for making this far.”

As kids, we used to imagine living a life of luxury — drawing our dream houses on lined paper, believing they’d be ours one day, and thinking all our desires would be easy to achieve when we grew up. When I was a kid, I used to draw the dream life I always wanted for myself — in blank papers, in my bag, everything. I considered myself an artist at a young age, and I always thought of it happening, so I wanted to be an architect, interior designer, or a fashion designer. I love reading mystery books and fond of watching law movies, so I wanted to be lawyer too. There’s a lot of dreams, right? “It’s free to dream”. We had big dreams and couldn’t wait to be adults, thinking that was the ticket to making those dreams a reality.

But adulthood brought us a harsh dose of reality. Despite all those dreams, I haven’t fulfilled them; instead, I was redirected to a different path. Some days we’re battling through the storms, and other days we’re just hanging on. We’ve faced countless obstacles to get to where we are now. We can be happy and sad at the same time. Even if this life isn’t exactly what we pictured, I hope you are proud in everything you’ve overcome.

Your younger self would be proud of you.

To the one who’s reading this; think back to those times when you thought you wouldn’t make it, but you did. Those moments are proof of your resilience. You’ve endured some of the hardest times and come out stronger. Your past self would be proud too. Whether you’ve won or lost, you’ve made strides, and that progress is what really counts.

To my younger self, you didn’t deserve the hardships you went through, but I want to thank you. Thank you for sticking it out during the darkest times, even when you didn’t know how things would get better, and for making the tough decisions when you finally could. Thank you for enduring the pain just to make it here.

I owe you for getting through those rough patches, and now I’m committed to giving you the best days ahead. I fight for that every single day.

Be proud of the victories no one else notices, and of the progress you’ve made, even if others can’t see it. You’re doing a great job — keep going!

We’ve come a long way. I just want to thank you for believing that things could turn out okay, as long as we held onto hope. It hasn’t been easy, and there are times I question whether to keep pushing or just give up.

My younger self, I hope I am making you proud. I promise you that both of us will make it. In the right time.

“I love you. Let me make it up to you, okay?”

[blankspacebye]

A Big Notes

Experience is the best teacher, they say. But no one had told me how much pain it took me to become this calm. I know I didn’t deserve the hurt, but I had to put in it so I could survive. I had no choice but to make it.

Maybe this is the reason why I have been so independent. I was so used to doing things only by myself because I didn’t want to rely on others. I don’t want to depend on them a lot because I fear the day that they will betray me too the way the other people did. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore so I kept myself to be calm, and to not expect everything from them. And instead of blaming them, I still blame myself up to this day for why I haven’t received any of the apologies that I craved, even in my dreams.

Many people have wondered how I manage to stay calm in situations where I’m at a disadvantage. But I don’t want anyone to see how broken and helpless I used to feel. I need to act strong to protect myself, so no one can hurt me. Inside me have the sweetest soul that just wants to be loved, understood, and seen. And until now, she’s still craving for it. Looking back, I haven’t received the apology I deserve, but it’s okay. I can’t make them do things the way I wanted to.

In the end, not all my battles are worth fighting for. For my peace of mind, I should move on and accept it is what it is.

[blankspacebye]

it’s okay to grieve the versions of yourself that you haven’t become

In life, it is sometimes a hard pill to swallow that we won’t always become the person we aim to be. We could waste opportunities, lose people we thought would always be there for us, or fail to fulfill the dream we’ve longed for. I know it hurts. You wanted so badly to make it work, but there are moments when we’re just not in the best shape to push through. Maybe we’re scared. Maybe we have problems we’re unaware of. Maybe we’re tired. Maybe it’s our trauma holding us back.

Or maybe, despite everything, we simply didn’t do enough. But that doesn’t mean we need to blame ourselves because sometimes, things don’t go as planned for reasons beyond our control. Maybe that path wasn’t meant for us. Maybe, God wanted us to strive even harder, to continue chasing our dreams and making them work despite the setbacks.

As I reflect on all this, I often remember the quote: “Grief is love’s souvenir. It’s our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I loved well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.” This quote resonates deeply with me because I always do things with love, and every time I lose something or someone, it feels like a part of me breaks.

It’s that grief — whether it’s over a missed opportunity, a lost connection, or an unfulfilled dream — that reminds me of the love and effort I poured into those moments. And even though it’s painful, that grief becomes proof that I once cared, that I once gave my all. “Grief is the price of love.” Despite all, all I hope is that the love and effort I always give — will find its way back to me in another form.

Here’s the truth: losing something doesn’t mean that our love, effort, or dreams were wasted. Often, it’s through letting go that we discover new beginnings, and through our failures that we uncover what truly matters. Sometimes, we have to lose one thing to make room for something better. And while some pains may feel unbearable, not all are necessary — they may be the very things guiding us toward growth and greater opportunities.

The dreams we didn’t fulfill could lead us to new ones, the people who left may open doors for those who truly belong, and the opportunities we missed may make room for even better ones. Life has a way of redirecting us, even when it feels unfair or painful.

So, we must trust that everything we experience — both the highs and the lows — serves a purpose, shaping us into the person we’re meant to become. In the end, it’s not about how perfectly we achieve our goals, but about how we grow, love, and persevere through every twist and turn.

In the end, I always hope that there’s good things waiting to people who dream, love, and perseveres — no matter what the obstacles are.

[blankspacebye]

if it’s meant to be, it will be: you're exactly where you need to be

“You cannot force someone or something to come into your life” is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way. It’s true, that we can’t make people around us like us; some will, some won’t. Often, we need to accept that “it is what it is.” Let fate take its course. That’s why there’s such a thing as fate and destiny — what’s meant for us will come.

It can be a hard pill to swallow but learn to accept that certain things are beyond your control. You do not have to force people to do what you want or act in a certain way toward you. The only thing you can do is be sincere and allow them to be who they are. Their actions will show their genuine intentions and how important you are to them.

When it comes to people, communication is important, but you must also know when to stop explaining how you expect to be treated. Begging is unnecessary. Some individuals do not treat or love you well, not because they do not understand, but because they refuse to. No matter how many times you ask people to value you or convince yourself that they will change, nothing will happen unless they choose to. You can voice your hurt and desires, but you can’t make them give you what you deserve.

That hurts a lot, but dear, you deserve so much more. Would you let yourself be stuck and do the same cycle again and again, when there are a lot of people in the future that are meant to love you? Would you let yourself be damaged again and again?

Always remember, whatever flows, flows. What goes away, let go. What comes, comes. What’s lost, let go. And what happens, accept. Better things come when you wait for what’s truly meant for you. Accepting things is better than forcing them. Never lose yourself trying to fit into someone else’s life.

When the right time comes and you meet “the one,”, or the friends that are meant to love you genuinely, I hope they enter your life regardless of any obstacles. May they bring you peace and happiness — because we all deserve to be happy in this lifetime. And if you feel you haven’t met them yet, just be patient. The universe might already be working to bring you together.

[blankspacebye]

no one will ever save you, girl, no one and nothing can

Nothing can is for the ‘you’re on your own kid’ people, for every daughters who grew up and forced to be independent, who prefers to suffer in silence, for the girls who distract themselves with detachment, for the burnout gifted kids, and for the one who feels tired mentally but still keep going and making through because you believe that no one ever save you except yourself.

This song is for every kids, every daughters — eldest, middle, youngest, and an only child.

This writing is for you.

You wake up with hollow these past few days. Walking on the street while wondering what’s on people mind around you. Catching the bus, taking the train, here and there, you feel exhausted. You know very well that there are many hopes hanging above in the handle grip, but they choose to bury it down. You watched life and wanted to be a part of it but found it painfully difficult. You feel as if you were the residue of a stranger’s life. You can’t even recognize the person in the mirror.

Hanging out with friends to distract yourself, because telling them how you feel seems so wrong. Distracting from the world, because telling everyone how you feel also feels so strange.

You keep on slipping.

Enduring things is what you do best.

You look around your bedroom and you’re all alone again.

When you grow up, you are just existing. Your heart inside is dying and you choose to remain silence. Some people can’t say where it hurts. Some find it impossible to ask for help, but actually need someone to talk to and rely on. The loneliness of feeling unseen by others, if you feel it, it comes from your closest one — family.

Your father and your mother are where it all began. You have your father’s rage with mother’s trust issues.

Don’t attach to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention.

Loneliness is the human condition, no one ever going to saves you and fill that void. Living with doubt and certainty is just part of being young, you are carrying it until now, all you can do is just surviving even though you still trying to figure it all alone.

You believe that everyone has their own struggles so you bottle it up your problems on your own.

You are trapped. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. You don’t know where to go.

No one will ever save you, except yourself.

So you keep trying, trying, and trying. Trying to fit in, being the mirrorball of the group, running towards your dreams, learning everything, and lastly doing something for your little self to make her proud.

Am I something?

What’s the future hold?

Will I be someone that my parents proud of?

Life is so subtle sometimes that you barely notice that you still smile at strangers, make your weekend plans, and feed stray cats. As you read this, the trees are blooming, the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping — suddenly you feel warm and safe again. You see yourself walking through the doors you once prayed would open. You fall in love with your own life once again because of yourself.

So the answer is you already are and you still have time to be. Although we are a collection of all the things that have ever happened to us and despite how the world is so cruel, you will always be you.

You think you are lonely, that is fine. It is exhausting being the one who is always holding on last, that is fine. You are worried no one would care if you disappeared, but sometimes you are doing good.

No matter how many times you had run away from your life, you only have yourself.

To love with life is to love yourself first.

There is a past version of you that is so proud of how far you have come.

You will live, you will live, and you will live. You will no longer to be the victim of insecurity, you will no longer to eat your worries alone, you are allowed to exist and take some space, and you will not let others dictate your life.

In the end, you are your own heroes and I am glad you are here.

[blankspacebye]

the art of observing and not absorbing

Notes to an empath: Observe but don’t absorb. Love but don’t depend. Want but don’t need. Feel but don’t dwell.

There’s a subtle but profound difference between noticing the world around you and letting it affect you deeply. For those of us who feel a lot, it’s easy to mix the two up.

A cold water feels warm when hands are freezing.

Everything tastes good when you are starving.

In life, a bare minimum treatment feels like everything, especially when you had nothing or less amount before it.

But we must remember: just because something feels like it’s good or enough doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes, we need to reflect to things and thought of it if we deserve it or not, or if it’s good to us or not.

Not all people have good intentions towards you, even if they are kind to you.

For an empath, it’s normal to care — to take on other people’s emotions as if they were your own. You aren’t always asked to help, but you do anyway, because that’s who you are. The problem is when you start believing that their problems are yours to solve, or that you need their approval to feel good. It’s easy to take in all the emotions and energy around you, thinking that if you carry enough, you can fix everything. But in doing so, you start to forget where your own needs end and theirs begin.

This is a letter, to everyone who’s reading this message. Observe, but don’t absorb. To observe means being aware and understanding things without letting them deeply affect you. You can love someone without becoming fully dependent on them. To add, loving someone doesn’t mean your self-worth or happiness has to rely on them being in your life. It’s about valuing them for who they are, without letting their absence make you feel empty.

Want, but don’t need. It’s okay to desire things — a connection, a dream, a future — but know that you are whole with or without them. There’s so much in life, and we should look more into the positive things that happens on us.

And yes, feel. Feel deeply. But don’t dwell. Life will always bring moments that tug at your heartstrings — both joy and sorrow — but lingering too long in those feelings can make you sad and drag you down. You can acknowledge pain without letting it define you, just as you can savor joy without fearing its end.

To conclude, the art of observing and not absorbing is about balance. It’s about learning to honor your empathy without letting it consume you. It’s about knowing that you deserve more than the bare minimum, no matter how long you’ve lived without it.

Just because you’ve been hungry for kindness doesn’t mean you should settle for crumbs.

Remember: your energy is precious and sacred. Take care of it. You have a big heart, but you don’t need to carry everyone’s problems. It’s okay to set boundaries — not just with others, but with yourself. Know when to step back, protect your space, and let go.

As you go through life, learn to observe without taking on everything, love without holding too tightly, and move forward while staying true to yourself. You deserve to live fully, to thrive, not just to survive.

[blankspacebye]

How I'm overthinking everything I never said

It's late at night when I write this, or rather, early in the morning. The world outside my window was wrapped in quite darkness, disturbed only by the occasional passing car or the distant swish of the city. And yet, here I was, wide awake, struggling with thoughts, that suddenly assaulted me as I tried to find peace in sleep. Tonight, like many nights before, I find myself reflecting on various conversations I've had throughout my life -or more hauntingly, the ones I've never had.

I've always been a listener. This is a role that comes naturally to me, perhaps too naturally. In the flow of conversations, I often find myself nodding and smiling at the right moments, but not always speaking up when I should. It's not that I don't have anything to say; the words forms in my mind like soldiers ready to march, but something to hold them back. Maybe it's fear, or maybe it's the habit of overanalyzing every possible outcome.

There's a phrase that echoes in my mind on nights like this: "It's not what you say, but what you don't say that matters." It's a gripping reminder of the weight that silence carries. In those quiet moments, opportunities slide away like sand between my fingers. I replay the scenario in my mind, each time with a different script where I speak my mind, where I express my true feelings, where I affirm my beliefs with unwavering conviction.

I feel that regret is a heavy burden, and I carry mine like a cloak hanging over my shoulders. It is made up of missed opportunities and unspoken words, woven together with threads of doubt and uncertainty. I wondered, “How many friendships could have been deepened if only I had expressed my admiration or offered help when needed?” and “How many misunderstandings could have been avoided if only I had made my intentions clear instead of allowing assumptions to develop?”

To be honest, I envy those who seem to effortlessly manage conversations, who speak with a clarity and conviction that I can only dream of. They don’t question every word or replay the conversation in their minds like a broken record. For them, the conversation flows like a river, while for me, it is a maze where every turn poses a new dilemma.

In the age of instant messaging and social media, the pressure to respond quickly only magnified my anxiety. Messages were left unread as I agonized over the perfect answer, inventing and editing until words lost their meaning. I wondered if the recipient could sense my hesitation and if they too were reading between the lines of my carefully selected replies.

However, as I wrestle with my thoughts in the silence of the night, I think of trying to embrace vulnerability, to speak my truth, and to release the fears that hold me.

Because life is too short for unspoken words and missed opportunities

And maybe, by freeing myself from the shackles of overthinking, I’ll find the voice that’s been waiting to be heard — the voice that speaks not out of fear but out of a desire to connect, be understood, and truly live.

[blankspacebye]

The Peace of Not Knowing

Why do we feel the need to know everything?

There is a peculiar serenity in the spaces between what we know and what we don’t. We spend so much time chasing answers, yearning to know every detail, every outcome. We feel that we should know everything, even the things that are not in our control.

Perhaps it’s our way of grasping for control in a world that often feels chaotic. We think that knowing will shield us from the things that might hurt us — a hope that if we can predict and understand every aspect of life, we can protect ourselves from disappointment and pain.

By trying to grasp the ungraspable, we exhaust ourselves and miss the beauty of simply experiencing life as it comes. It’s okay not to have all the answers. It’s okay to wonder and dream about what could be, and to let the unknown be a source of hope rather than fear.

Because life is a world full of uncertainties. No one knows what will happen next, or what will become of the future. Life becomes less about having all the answers and more about cherishing the questions and the experiences that come with them.

In those moments of doubt and confusion, remember that not every answer needs to be found. Not every question needs a response. It’s okay to pause, to sit with the uncertainty, and let it unfold in its own time. Life has a way of revealing its secrets, but only when we are ready to listen.

There’s a peace in not knowing. It allows us to not need every answer in life. It invites us to trust in the process, to surrender to the flow of life’s currents, knowing that even in the absence of clarity, we are guided by Him — the Lord who will never fail us.

May you have the courage to let go of the need to control every aspect of your life. Embrace the mystery, and let it guide you to places you never imagined.

Sometimes, the most beautiful destinations are those we discover without a map.

[blankspacebye]

Contentment in Allah's Denial of Supplications

There are many times when we call upon Allah, pleading for Him to grant us our desires. He (SWT) Himself instructs us to ask from Him: “Call upon Me, I will respond to you” [Quran 40:60]. But what happens when we don’t receive what we prayed for? What occurs then?

Once, there was a young couple who wished to get married but lacked the means to do so. They decided to cut off contact and wait for each other patiently. The girl fervently prayed to Allah, seeking His favour. Soon, she received good news from the boy’s family and began preparing for her wedding. Throughout this process, she did not forget her Lord and continued to pray and seek His guidance.

However, one day, doubt crept into her heart. Despite everything around her seemingly perfect and just as she had prayed for, something troubled her. Overwhelmed, she performed her salah and this time implored Allah to reveal the truth behind her doubts. She beseeched Al-Haqq — The Embodiment of Truth — to unveil the intentions of those around her.

The following evening, she discovered that the boy she had prayed for day and night was now with someone else, and no one had informed her. With a shattered and speechless heart, she found solace in her salah once more. This time, she was grateful to Allah — not only for revealing the truth as she had wished, but also for safeguarding her from marrying someone who had been unfaithful even before their union. “Ya Allah, what would he have done to me if this is who he is before marriage?”

Though heartbroken, she maintained her bond with Allah. One day, it struck her: “If I prayed sincerely for this, harboring no deceit in my intentions and actions, supplicated during the rain, in sujood, at Tahajjud, during Ramadan, and countless other accepted prayer times, and yet did not attain it… How perilous was this wish of mine? What would my life have been like if Allah had allowed me to marry him?”

Similarly, if you genuinely pray for something and The Most Merciful does not grant your request, thank Him for safeguarding you from the unknown evil. This does not, in any way, mean that you should stop asking Allah. It simply implies that if you persist in praying but encounter obstacles or find that your efforts fail to fulfil your desires, understand that The Most High is aware of what you are unaware of, and He may have something better in store for you. The rest is known only to Allah — Allahu ‘Alam.