#my recovery

[destroyingangelneveragod]

My father tried to make me alt right and instead I turned out to be a transsexual polyam autistic cripplepunk fag. He tried to quiet me when I started getting ill and now I have three mobility aids covered in stickers and 13+ specialists, and a partner who loves and embraces all that. He traumatized me but I love gently despite it. He tried to isolate me but I found community and started healing instead.

[willowsrecovery]

26-11-2022

My day:

So I haven’t done this for the last three nights, I’ve had breakdowns before bed every night, and last night was especially bad. I’m doing this in a different order today because I still need to tidy my room and do my night hygiene routine but I came into my room and aster is being all snuggly so I’m spending some time with her first. Today was okay, I woke up at a good time even tho I took a dose of olanzapine that has previously knocked me out, and I actually woke up in time for an appointment that mum thought was later than it was, and thankfully we made it with one minute to spare. It was to learn how to put my new contacts in, and I struggled a bit with getting the left one in but managed not to breakdown in public. I did however have a break down in my bathroom trying to get the left one in again when I put them in to get use to them, for about 10-15 minutes I was trying to get it in following the instructions but it just wouldn’t stay in, eventually I managed to get it to stay in when I pressed in on actually making contact with my eye (I was told not to physically push it in but to hold it just above the eye). Standing for that long caused excruciating pain in my hips, they have been really bad lately, and always swapping which hip is the issue. I also talked to my sister, we’ve been having some problems, she didn’t really share the problem but I’ve been feeling like she’s been cutting me out/shutting me off a lot recently from the way she’s been acting, and it’s really hurt. I was really angry and upset about it last night. But we talked, and I think resolved some things, and I hope things can be better now and we can enjoy our trip to the city in a few days, and hopefully it won’t be uncomfortable. My anger has been getting bad lately, things are pissing me off and frustrating me, and I’m finding myself wanting to yell and scream, which is not something I like to do. I was quite angry and agressive (not at people) last night, and I hated so much and ended up directing that anger and aggression towards myself, which is not great, I’ve started self harming more again since my anger has been getting worse. I lied and didn’t put it on my diary card last time because I didn’t want it to be a big deal with my therapist, but I did it substantially more last night so I don’t think I can get away with not recording it agin.

What I achieved today:

• got up at a good time

• went to my optometrist appointment

• regulated myself in the appointment

• talked to my sister about what’s bothering me

• decided to try and get into reading

• wore my contacts to get used to them

• went for a little walk

• did some drawing to work on my sister’s Christmas present

• will tidy my room

• will do my night hygiene routine

Self validating statement:

Excruciating pain is not normal, and I should respect my bodies boundaries and I don’t need to just toughen up

Shadow work prompt from the 23rd:

Who regularly (or last) belittles and downplays your emotions?

Thankfully that is not a common occurrence in my life, but if it had to be any one it might be my mum, she does do it much, but sometimes she says the wrong thing, or doesn’t see things the way I see it or see what I see happen (all of those things happened last night and were big parts of my breakdown)

i) How does it make you feel?

Really not great, it hurts a lot, like a lot a lot. It caused more distress last night then what I was actually in hospital for and it made everything 10x worse, I felt betrayed, and rejected, and crazy, it made me not want to be near her and I didn’t want to go home

Shadow work prompt for the 24th:

Think about unhealthy relationships you have currently or have had previously, what is the common theme?

Me loving the person, and being willing to overlook the unhealthy things because I don’t want to lose them

i) Why do you think you find yourself in this kind of dynamic?

I used to have a very anxious attachment style, and the second someone showed me a little bit of love I was attached, I was so deprived of care when I was little that anytime I get a smidge of it I cling to it, even to my own destruction

ii) How can you recognise and avoid allowing this type of relationship to develop?

If I get instantly attached, and my mood is dependent on their actions that’s a big red flag and means I need to take a step back and look at things, I also have a deal in place with my sister that if we see anything dodgy in each others friendships/relationships we tell the other person, because we’re aware that in the moment we can both be blind to the red flags

Shadow work prompt for yesterday:

What emotions tend to bring out the worst in you?

Anger

i) why do you think that is?

It turns me into my dad, I am loud and yell a lot, I punch myself or more recently walls (never someone else) I hate being angry and how I become when I’m angry

Shadow work prompt for today:

When have you been self-sabotaging or destructive in your life?

I don’t know if I self sabotage too much, but I can be quite destructive towards my self with self harm when I’m really upset/angry

i) Examine how you were feeling how you were feeling at the time and what triggered the behaviour.

I’ll use last night, so last night I went into overwhelm/a meltdown, and I got agent when my bottle knocked over and I threw it, which scared my mum and then I felt so horrible and dangerous, like I can’t be around people, this lead to being angry at myself and feeling like I’m a bad person which led to self harm. Later at the hospital she said something that really hurt and upset me, and made me very angry and I went back into self harm mode again

Here’s some cute photos of the neighbours pets to lighten the mood

[cosmicvenusnebula]

Trigger warning: Update about my traumatizers (not a bad update, a very positive one... for me, not them idgaf about those assholes)

Basically, officially apart of the no parents gang.

Cut out/blocked my mother yesterday. Cut out my father years ago because holy shit he needs to be in prison for not only what he has done to me, but literally every women and child he has ever come across. It's been reported over and over again, no one gives a shit about abuse reports anymore. It has literally been reported by all his victims and my therapists, its reported every time something new happens by the people it happened to

For anyone wondering since I have said I am 17 on my posts/in my bio, my legal guardians have always been my grandparents. Even as a newborn the courts deemed my parents as abusive and dangerous but still gave them unsupervised visitation rights anyway???!! Anyway they both lost those rights for very different reasons many years ago. So I am safe and stable... mostly... being around my grandparents is constantly a roller coaster ride, but they aren't abusive their just irritating and problematic.....

[notsolonedesert]

could i request more eurymene art in your style? even if it's just a quick doodle i would really appreciate it :) your eurymene art makes me more happy than i can express lol it's so cute

tysm!! i love ur art sm <33 it's amazing!!

I could never say no to such a kind person, thank you, happy you feel that way 🥹

Ctimene your relation to Odysseus and Hermes is showing

[sighcomics]

december

[hunxi-after-hours]

"If rest becomes a form of recovery from work, as is the case today, it loses its specific ontological value. It no longer represents an independent, higher form of existence and degenerates into a derivative of work. Today's compulsion of production perpetuates work and thus eliminates that sacred silence. Life becomes entirely profane, desecrated."

—Han Byung-Chul, The Disappearance of Rituals (trans. Daniel Steuer)

[deep-space-lines]

IT'S FINALLY FUCKING DONE. I'M FINALLY FREE

UNTIL FRAUD COMES OUT

Tumblr shrinks it down pretty bad so please. please. I am begging you. look at the full sized image and zoom in. This art piece made my friends worried for my mental health I need someone to witness the amount of detail and effort I put into this

also the original sketch under the cut bc I think comparing them is really funny

[kimetsu-chan]

Doing this bc I’m scared to and won’t on my own

if this gets 5k notes by October 20th, I will tell my dad about my eating disorder and get help to recover + therapist

Rules:

No spamming

5 notes per person including likes

if either one of those is broken, I’m reducing the time limit, basically making it less likely to hit the goal on time

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD PLEASE STOP SPAMMING

tagging is okay

Might delete later(sorry!) because I’m scarrredddd, I don’t wanna tell my dad >:l

[selfcare-journey]

Slow down, it's ok. Very few things in life are absolute

Deadlines can be flexible, career paths are flexible, relationships become close and far and close again, it's all going to be ok

[killjoyfem]

women and girls, here’s a reminder that you deserve to eat. your goal in life isn’t to be skinny. the world is a happier place when you nurture your body and your mind so they can function properly. enjoy all the different foods and flavors out there without guilt. i love you

[squarecloud73]

*I worship you Tumblr please don’t remove it

“Glad to have you back.”

舊地重遊

[veryluckyclovers]

[thoradvice]

you don't have to be glad that it's not worse. that goes for everything. disability, trauma, mental illness, grades, finances, whatever. you're /allowed/ to be upset that things are the way they are. you don't have to be grateful for your situation - bad is bad. somebody else's suffering doesn't make yours less painful. it's okay to be angry

[notasoupcompany]

[uncanny-tranny]

Honestly, there is a certain type of fetishizing of violence that occurs when you are the victim of abuse - wherein people talk directly to you about how much they fantasize about your abuser/s dying and being killed - "all abusers must be killed!" they say.

As a victim of prolonged abuse, I never felt cared for when people indulged that information to me. It often feels like my abuse is being exploited for others to enact their own violent fantasies and secret desires - my abuse means nothing to them in the same way that I didn't matter to my abusers. It's not support - it's just another cycle of violence.

I'm begging people to care more about victims and survivors than they do about retribution of abusers. Nowhere along the way should your focus on the abuser outweigh the people affected by their abuse. If you truly want to support abuse victims and survivors, start with us

[machinerot]