#my qualifications for saying this are that i’m autistic and i said so | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lululawrence · 3 years ago

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Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

#long post #rant #i almost deleted this #but you sent it on just the right day and instead i let loose #this is unedited and unbetaed lmao but ENJOY #or don't #whatever #writing stuff #i should tag it #writing SHIT #but that's not really a tag i keep cause who wants to keep track of the negatives #not me

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puppydogism · 2 years ago

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I mean the fucking, ~disability employment services~ appointment went well I guess

Like the provider I’m at is the only one for Deaf people and the first thing was the receptionist saying “no signing” cause he doesn’t know Auslan which was… baffling but anyway

My ~employment consultant~ also doesn’t know Auslan so they had to get the one Deaf person who works there to interpret for me but he was great

They were saying like we need to put that I have to look for at least 8 jobs a month and immediately he was like, “no put 4” (the minimum they’re allowed to put)

And he was saying like if I had an NDIS (national disability insurance scheme) plan that would help me a lot and when I said I can’t because my autism isn’t diagnosed he was just like “we’ll get it diagnosed” straight away so that was very nice, and he actually seemed to know at least literally anything autism which is a nice change, and was asking stuff about me to show he could see things I’m doing / things I have that are autistic™️

Anyway maybe we should actually have more disabled people working in disability employment services lol, which you don’t need any qualifications or knowledge of disability to do btw 🙃 so that’s why I’ve previously had EXTREMELY bad experiences with DES providers (who I have to see so the gov doesn’t starve me less than 3!)”

#Like still really shit the customer facing people don’t know the primary language of their clients (yet) but #He was really good and seemed to actually want to help instead of just #asking me if I looked for jobs or not this fortnight lol #like the whole reason I’m going to this one is because I either can’t or *wont* speak at any given time so - I was very surprised at the ——#language thing but #was significantly less worse than any DES I’ve been to before #this is probably hard to read but *does a little dance * I am very tired

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spectraspecs-writes · 3 years ago

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When I was younger - and sometimes still today - I would wish there was an instruction book for just… being. Being autistic, I could usually tell that everybody else knew what to do in situations, just knew how to interact, but it wasn’t something I could parse. They all knew things I didn’t know. And I had no idea - and still don’t! - where and how they learned all that. If there was just something I could read, some text that I could absorb, a behavior I could reproduce, then it would all make sense. Or maybe not right away, but once I wasn’t expending so much energy just trying to be understood, then I could at least take some time to try to understand why the response to X was always Y.

To be honest it’s still something I struggle with, but it’s gotten to the point where people don’t notice unless I say something. I have such a wide variety of scripts that I can answer damn near any question I come across on a day to day basis and it sounds completely natural, even though you’re hearing a script. My coping mechanisms are innocuous but plentiful, so unless I’m having a bad day, I can get through even the most overwhelming moments and seem completely normal. And with face masks it’s only gotten easier. I don’t have to plaster a smile - which takes energy, I can release tensions by mouthing curses, and I can stim with my mouth and not get looks. Overall, I’m doing okay on that front.

But lately I’ve been wishing for an instruction manual of a different sort. My discovery that I’m trans masc is relatively recent - as in 2019 recent. I am comfortable in my own skin, and I know what I like to be called. My parents and family are accepting, my workplace is accepting, and my girlfriend loves me. As I understand, this is not something that a lot of trans people have. And honestly, my identity is fairly easy - my preferred name has not changed, and neither have my pronouns. That’s an autistic benefit, I think. While trying to assign the qualifications for “girl”, there was never a strict set of criteria. I have blonde hair, but my friend has brown hair. I don’t like skirts, but my friend does. I have a low voice, but my friend has a high voice. After going through all these criteria, which didn’t work for both me and my friend being girls, I concluded that girl was a set you just inherently belonged in. And since there were no criteria that applied across the whole, then if you said you were a girl, then you were. And so the definition of girl has always been “what I am.” (Given the option, I usually prefer to call myself a guy. But I’m not a man, and I’m not a boy, and I’m not a woman. Girl isn’t wrong. I guess. I’m having more thoughts about this now than I wanted to.)

But knowing what I want to be called is not the same as being called what I want to be called. This is something that should be easily solved through communication. I have come to learn that most communication is nonverbal. Okay! This is not where I shine, but I can figure something out. Choose a masculine name - done! It took a while but I finally found a masc name I like last week. Masculine body language? Was difficult to look up - I kept finding pick up artists instead of actual ftm people. But I picked up a bit in high school, and ftm Reddit helped a bit more. Masculine clothes? Yes please, pockets. Plus I’ve always hated skirts and dresses anyway. Boobs? Damn near nonexistent to begin with. Short hair? Was euphoric the first time I got it. Masculine voice? Easier than you’d expect! I’ve always had a pretty deep voice for a girl, and I love singing low notes. Add in a few tips from ftm Reddit and I should be good to go!

Well… not really.

I learned fairly quickly that I hate being called “ma’am” more than anything. I hate “sweetie” and “honey” because they’re demeaning, but I’ve never been able to pinpoint just why I hate “ma’am.” Some days it’s like being poked - annoying but tolerable, but the longer it goes the harder it is to not snap. Other days it’s like being insulted, and it wears me down fast.

This should also be an easy solution! On days when I expect it to be more like insults, I use my deep voice, my masc name tag, and try harder to use the masculine body language. And go on Etsy to buy a button that says “don’t call me ma’am.”

You learn very quickly that customers cannot read. In truth it was naive of me to assume they would. Even when they read my name tag they seldom see the button even though it’s right next to it.

I can only conclude that there must be something I’m doing that gives me away, so to speak. But I’m in that pesky venn diagram of autistic and trans - the people who should be able to help don’t know, or haven’t said anything, and the idea of entering a new community - Reddit - is anxiety inducing. (Fun fact - this is my second tumblr account. The first was probably not successfully deleted because tumblr kept taking me in circles. In the end I just deleted the email address I used to sign up for it, which was far less effort. As a side effect I can no longer log into my twitter, but I only used that to get coins on Nyan Cat: Lost in Space.)

It seems like everyone around me has read some sort of guide of manual, something that tells them definitively who is and isn’t a man, who should and shouldn’t be regarded as such. Like they have a list of criteria and something about me tips them off that, despite all evidence to the contrary, they are looking at a woman. And probably if I asked, they wouldn’t know.

But oh how I wish someone could tell me. Because we’re getting to the point where what’s tipping them off are things about myself that I’m not willing to change. I love singing, I like talking in a singsong voice. That’s been difficult to give up on days where being feminized is like blunt force trauma. I talk with my hands, my upper body is very active. I can’t stop that - otherwise I’d be too hyperactive somewhere else. I love wearing bright colors, I love rainbows. Damn near everything in the mens department is either white, black, gray, or very rarely brown. I don’t know why they put up with it. I’ve been forced to wonder lately if my *lanyard* is what’s giving me away. Not anything on my lanyard, but the fact that I have anything around my neck at all. My car keys are on a lanyard. I like wearing lanyards. I’m not going to change that about myself. Or carrying grocery bags! I have rarely if ever seen men tote anything over their shoulder. Bags are always gripped in a fist, the straps balled up. But that’s not efficient! You expect me to sacrifice efficiency for your tired and stupid gender norms? I have to laugh.

But it wears me down sometimes. It’s stressful and hurtful sometimes. I will talk in my low voice until my throat hurts. I will take great pains to keep the name on my lanyard from showing. I will dig and dig until I find the work name tag template so I can make my own. Spend the time to find the right name. I can put forth so much effort, and none of it is recognized. I can’t expect everyone to know without telling them. But in my position, it would be weird and time wasting to hand everyone I see a card that says “don’t call me ma’am.” It would take an immense amount of effort to come up with snappy comebacks every time I’m misgendered, not to mention it could cost me my job. As I mentioned my workplace supports me, but customers are horrid people who hardly see me as a person, let alone as anything but a woman. At this point it would take far less effort to just. Stop trying. Abandon all hope of ever being called anything but a woman. At least it’s not a costume I have to put on - I just have to walk outside. I wouldn’t have to change the way I speak, I could move and not think about it, I could wear whatever I wanted and not worry what someone would think. I could just be.

That’s not sustainable.

Before I realized I was genderfluid trans masc, I spent months depressed. I didn’t want to do anything. I even left an internship early - that I was initially excited for! - because everything was just dragging me down. I was desperate for a therapist, settling for one that wasn’t the right fit, just to do something. The real solution was far cheaper - a haircut. Once I cut off 90% of my hair, the depression stopped. I liked being myself again. Depression still comes and goes, but it’s never been as persistent again. I haven’t hated being myself again. I’ve been able to figure out what about my existence I didn’t like. I didn’t like women’s pants. I’ve never liked skirts and dresses. I like wearing suits and ties. I prefer men’s cut shirts. I don’t like women’s swimsuits. I prefer to be a girl PC in video games. Women’s underwear is fine. I don’t care about the gender of my socks, so long as I can get long socks in the cold months. I don’t like being in men’s bathrooms. I don’t like the price of men’s shoes or the color choices. “Boy” and “girl” are just a shorthand that helps people google things. After all, if you’re looking for pink things for a six year old, it’s far more likely you’ll get the results you want if you add “girl” to your query. It also helps you to find a group to be a part of. We are social animals, after all, and we thrive in social groups. Far easier to find the group you’re looking for if it has a name.

But it’s like everyone else has criteria that I couldn’t find. And it wasn’t for lack of looking! When I made my initial conclusions, I had a sizable data set to draw on! And that data set has only grown! I can Google “girl” and get a wide array of people who are all different! And it’s the same if I Google “boy”! It honestly makes more sense to divide the world into pants and skirts - at least then you would have sensible and specific criteria. (Of course… that would put a lot of eastern traditional dress into the same category as Jackie Kennedy. Which is not exactly accurate either.)

This has gone on far longer than I initially intended, and as per usual my point has gotten lost in the weeds. All for the best, though, as I did need to get all this out. I suppose at the end of the day, I so wish I knew everything I would need to do to be read as a man 100% of the time. At least then I could consider, and adopt or reject each of those things. Because at this point I seem to be doomed to be unseen.

#specs writes stuff #long post #actually autistic #genderfluid #trans #trans masc #ftm #someone remind me how to do a read more on mobile lol #okay I figured it out

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let-the-dream-begin · 4 years ago

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In My Daughter’s Eyes Chapter 4: The Past Can Hurt

Chapter 3

Read on AO3

Claire peeked at the rear view mirror again, and smiled again at the sight of her happy daughter. Faith's favorite "reward meal" was McDonald's. Claire had pinky-promised that if she was a good girl with the horses today, they would get McDonald's for dinner on the way home. She was contentedly waving around the Minion toy that had come in the happy meal, humming and kicking her little legs. Claire had both of their meals on the passenger seat, knowing full well that her daughter would make quite the mess if she let her eat in the car. So would Claire, to be frank.

Claire had made it abundantly clear how proud she was of Faith, had reminded her several times already how she'd been such a good girl. Whether this made Faith happy to hear, or she was simply still in the afterglow of petting a horse, was anyone's guess. Claire hoped Faith could see, could truly understand how happy her mother was. She supposed if she said it enough it might sink in, if it hadn't already.

Back at home, the moment Claire unbuckled Faith from her carseat, she insisted on carrying her meal in herself, to which Claire was more than happy to oblige. She watched, amused, as Faith scampered up the steps to their front door, waiting rather impatiently for her mother to catch up. This was something that Faith had done whenever they'd arrived at their home in Oxfordshire: squirm out of Claire's grip and bolt to the porch, rocking on her heels or bouncing while she waited for the door to open. As Claire pushed the key into the lock, her heart felt a little lighter.

She already feels like this is her home.

Faith immediately scampered inside and right to the kitchen, and by the time Claire got the door shut, stuffed horse onto the couch, and shoes off, Faith was already halfway through her chicken nuggets, sitting up on her knees at the kitchen table. Claire shook her head, laughing.

"You are certainly in a good mood, aren't you, darling?" She ruffled her curly hair and sat down across from her, opening her own paper bag, pulling out her burger and french fries. The teenager at the drive-thru had been quite bewildered when she'd asked for crisps. Such strange lingo these Americans used.

Faith was finished eating before Claire was even halfway through her burger, and she slid off her chair and reached for the chocolate shake that Claire put on the counter to be out of her reach until she finished. Claire sprung out of her seat to grab it herself before Faith could cause it to topple and make a mess.

"Let Mummy help, Faith," Claire said, frantically. "You have to ask for help..." Claire sighed in defeat, handing over the milkshake. She sat back down as Faith settled in again, knowing better than to leave the kitchen with food of any kind. Claire watched her little cheeks hollow out as she guzzled down the liquid, her honey eyes light with joy.

Faith's being nonverbal was not as much of an issue as it could have been, but it was an issue nonetheless. The worst of it was when she was clearly distraught and could not communicate the source of her distress. Had she made a mess of her chocolate shake due to her inability to ask for help, it would have been quite the inconvenience, but Claire supposed mealtime could have gone much worse. Claire knew her daughter by now, better than Claire even knew herself. She'd become accustomed to the various grunts and whines, associating meaning to each different sound over the years. She supposed, however, that this would not be a sufficient way to communicate to a teacher someday, or Mrs. Lickett when Claire was no longer able to stay home with them.

Claire's anxiety lessened a bit at the thought of the woman; Mrs. Lickett was certified to teach American Sign Language to nonverbal autistic children, and she promised Claire she'd have Faith doing basic signs by the time she was ready to start school, whenever that may be.

Then she remembered how close they'd come to a meltdown in the stable, and how easily Jamie had calmed her, how proud he'd been to introduce the horse to her as a reward, how happy it had made Faith. Claire's heart swelled for perhaps the hundredth time since they'd left. The sound of slurping filled the room as Faith reached the end of her milkshake.

"All done, lovie?" Faith took her mouth off the straw and smiled contentedly at her mother. "Clean up now, Faith. Garbage in the bin, please."

Faith did as she was told, and then Claire beckoned her into her lap.

"Come here, darling," she crooned, enveloping her in her arms. "Mummy is so very proud of you, baby. I'll never stop saying it." She kissed her cheek, and Faith giggled. "Are you happy, Faith? Hm?" She rocked her gently, but Faith just hummed and traced patterns on Claire's arms with her fingertips.

"Happy, Faith?" Claire said again, remembering the thumbs-up maneuver from earlier, and employing it now. "Are you happy, love?"

Faith giggled again and grabbed Claire's thumb in her little hand.

"Faith, no..." Claire couldn't help but chuckle, as well. "See? Thumbs-up if you're happy, Faith. Happy?" She tried again with her free thumb.

Faith giggled yet again, but this time, she returned the gesture. Claire laughed out loud and brought the little fist, still holding her thumb, to her lips to cover with kisses.

"I'm happy, too, baby girl," Claire said. "Very happy."

She gave another little giggle before squirming out of Claire's arms and pattering out of the kitchen. Claire cleaned up after herself and returned to the table to continue nursing her own milkshake. Faith bounded back in with a DVD box in hand and held it expectantly up to Claire. Claire smiled and took it in her hands.

"Ah, all about animals today, hm?" She cocked an eyebrow at Faith. Tonight's choice was The Lion King. This was typical, even back in Oxfordshire. Faith would toddle up to either Claire or Frank with a DVD after dinner and expect help to get it ready, so she could watch her movie before bed. More often than not, Frank would wordlessly hand the box over to Claire instead, and after a while Faith learned to only bring it to Claire.

Claire put the DVD in as Faith went into her room, returning with her baby Simba stuffed animal to watch with. She settled onto the couch, now righted to its position in the middle of the room, centered and straightened. There were still boxes and messes, but things were slowly coming together. Claire took this opportunity while Faith was glued to the telly to get to some more boxes. She peeled the tape off a particularly heavy box, and smiled to herself at the sight of the picture frames inside, covered in bubble wrap. She moved behind the couch to the long table pushed against it, exactly where she'd planned to put said pictures. She unwrapped them all lovingly and arranged them on the table: an infant Faith fast asleep like a little angel on Claire's shoulder; Faith in the photo studio with a large, plastic number "1" for her first birthday; Claire holding Faith on a carousel, smiling like a fool at her toddler aged daughter; Faith, two-and-a-half, grabbing at Frank's cheeks and laughing her head off.

Christ.

Claire froze, a hard lump forming in her throat as the opening chords to "Circle of Life" filled her ears. What was she supposed to do with this? Why had she even packed it? Well, that was easy enough: Faith looked simply darling. But...

She ran trembling fingers over both of their faces behind the glass, sighing with a shudder.

Oh, Frank...How happy we once were.

Indecisive, Claire put the frame back in the box, reaching for another to unwrap: Faith mid-bite of a chocolate-chip pancake at the breakfast table. The older she got, the less complacent she'd been for photo opportunities, so Claire had to content herself with capturing candid, silly moments like this, and she honestly would not have had it any other way. She stood it up next to the carousel shot and reached for another.

God damn it.

Claire holding Faith at the church the day of her christening, Frank's arm wrapped around Claire's shoulders, smiling proudly.

Fuck you.

Claire pressed the frame face-down into the table, biting her bottom lip to stifle a sob. How dare he stand there, looking so proud of the family that he would so quickly discard? How dare he let that little girl touch his face like that, how dare he smile at her so brightly, lead her to believe he'd always be there?

Her fingers trembled as they hovered over the keypad of numbers. Was it worth it? Couldn't she just put Faith on the plane and change her number, disappear forever?

She supposed that might not exactly be legal, no matter the terms on which Frank had left the house two weeks ago.

She somehow found the nerve to finish dialing the number and bring the phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

She gulped. "Hello, Frank."

"Hello, Claire."

She cleared her throat. "I'm...I'm taking Faith to the states. And I don't think you have any right to try and stop me."

"I shouldn't think I do."

She shuddered with hatred at his indifference; though she'd expected as much, it didn't sting any less. "Alright. Good. I don't want anything from you, Frank. I am perfectly capable of taking care of her basic needs on my residency salary."

"Alright."

"But there's one thing. It's the least you can do. For the love you once bore me."

"I did not stop loving you, Claire."

"Oh, yes, you did," Claire spat.

“Claire — ”

“No, that’s enough,” she said, firmly. “Listen. I want nothing from you but the exact amount a certain therapy will cost. It’s expensive, but the doctor thinks it can really help Faith. I’m asking nothing else of you, Frank. Just around six thousand a year, broken up monthly, to pay for the therapy.”

Claire knew she likely could afford the therapy, but things would be tight. Rent on Long Island was not cheap by any means; neither was the general cost of living there, and neither was the kind of babysitter with the qualifications necessary for taking care of someone with Faith’s needs. Not to mention she wanted to start setting money aside for a service dog, which would be an enormous investment in and of itself, but one that would certainly be worth it if it would make it easier for them to be in public places. The extra money from Frank would be worth it, no matter how sick to her stomach it made her to ask it of him.

“What sort of therapy costs that much?”

“Equine therapy.”

He scoffed. “You really believe — ”

“Yes. I do.” She had to clench her teeth and take a very deep breath through her nose to stop herself from attacking again. “Will you pay for it or not? As the man who sired her, who owes her something? Will you?”

A slight pause, then he sighed. “Fine. I don’t care how much it is, I just don’t want to deal with it.”

Claire almost choked on the expletives she swallowed. “I understand. I’ve already set aside a separate bank account for you to make deposits.” She read him the account number and the routing number, along with exact amounts needed each month.

“All you need to do is make the deposits every month. And you’ll never hear from us again.”

He sighed again. “Claire…If I could change things…”

Claire almost fell for it…but she knew what he meant.

He did not mean: “If I could change my behavior, the things I said.” He meant: “If I could change what our daughter is.”

And it made her sick.

“Goodbye, Frank.”

Faith’s humming and rocking brought Claire back to Earth. She looked up from the box to see Faith holding her stuffed Simba in the air, mirroring Rafiki on the screen doing just that. Claire chuckled to herself and swallowed any remaining urge to cry. Claire put the christening picture back in the box, deciding that she’d make a decision on what to do with it later. Perhaps she could try her hand at scissors, combine the two pictures in one frame. It would certainly be satisfying to literally cut him out of those moments in Faith’s life.

But on the other hand…was that cruel? Would Faith someday learn to verbally or otherwise communicate the question: Where did Daddy go? Should she keep these pictures intact for that purpose? What Claire would want to say in response to such a question would be that Faith did not have a Daddy and that she didn’t need one. But perhaps that was doing her an injustice.

Claire reached for another picture.

Yes…that was something that could wait to be decided on.

Claire had made a considerable dent in her unpacking venture by the time Faith’s movie finished, and she was altogether quite satisfied with her work.

“What do you think of that, Faith?” Claire sighed contentedly as she removed the DVD from the player and put it back in the box. “Your disorganized-as-all-get-out Mummy is actually getting somewhere with her organizing.” Faith slid off the couch to take the box from her so she could put it back where she found it. “Isn’t that a marvel?”

Claire watched with piqued interest as Faith sat on her knees in front of the little entertainment center, the cupboard beneath the telly opened for her inspection. Faith had a system, some sort of arrangement of her movies that she always abided by. Not a single movie was ever out of place. Claire could not for the life of her decipherer what the system was; it was something created and used only by Faith. Claire had unpacked all their movies and put them inside, only for Faith to gut the entire thing and arrange them herself. It had greatly amused Claire at the time. She’d been at it for hours.

It didn’t take long for her to return The Lion King to its apparent correct position, and then Faith shut the cupboard.

“Alright, lovie. Time to brush your teeth.”

Claire stood and led Faith into the bathroom. Claire lifted her up onto the counter to sit and Claire got to work brushing her own teeth first. Faith had not yet mastered the coordination of tooth-brushing, and Claire still did it for her every night. But her psychiatrist had said that if Faith watched her mother do it enough times, something might strike a chord one day, and she’d suddenly be an expert at dental hygiene. Apparently, Doctor Garner had seen this happen plenty of times before.

So Claire brushed, tilting her head slightly toward Faith as usual, and then moving on to brush Faith’s teeth. When she finished, Claire handed her one of the little paper cups they kept in the bathroom.

"Rinse and spit," she crooned, as she did every night.

Routine was everything to Faith, and Claire had even begun clinging to the lifeline that was knowing every next move for every day. It soothed Faith's ever present anxiety and gave her expectations for every day, and it kept Claire grounded in the reality of their lives. This was why she'd been so scared to move. Moving to the house next door to them in Oxfordshire would have been a big enough change to merit Faith's discomfort, let alone moving across an ocean to a completely different style of living. There'd certainly been an adjustment period for her routine-conditioned little girl, but it hadn't been nearly as long or as difficult as Claire had anticipated.

Doctor Garner had suggested that no matter how disorienting things were when they'd arrived at the new apartment, the sooner Claire could reestablish that same routine that Faith had been accustomed to in Oxfordshire, the better. It was the reason she'd had furniture sent to the apartment before they'd even arrived. The sooner Faith could associate the new home with the commonplace furniture, the sooner she'd begin to realize this was home now. And all that, combined with maintaining their old routines in a new place was actually working quite well.

Teeth brushed and pajamas on, Claire tucked Faith into her bed. Faith's brand new princess comforter had arrived on Wednesday, and Faith was over the moon. Claire hadn't yet had a problem getting her to sleep since they'd put it on the bed. Claire filled the medicine dropper from the liquid Risperdal bottle, and Faith dutifully opened her mouth to let Claire drop it in, her face screwing up in the usual disgust to taste the bitter liquid.

"Swallow, please," Claire said, cocking an eyebrow. Faith grimaced, but obeyed. "Good girl."

Claire knew full well that Faith hated the taste of her medicine; it had been an utter nightmare to get her to take it every night at first. She'd had to bribe her with a Smartie every time she took it. Claire had a little stash of M&Ms (apparently the American equivalent) just in case Faith was ever particularly stubborn.

Claire set the medicine aside on the nightstand and tucked Horsie (who had been properly cleaned and disinfected after being dropped in the dirt in the stable) under her arm.

"There's Horsie, darling. So you can dream of all the horses you saw today, like Pippi." She leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Goodnight, love. Today was a very, very good day."

Faith smiled a toothy grin as Claire rose to turn on the nightlight. She stopped at the door to flicker off the main light and take one last look at her daughter, savoring the contentment settling in her chest and warming her from the inside out before shutting the door.

——

The next few days were not as smooth sailing.

Jamie had been quite right when he’d predicted the riding helmet would bother Faith. Since Mrs. Lickett only came by on weekdays, Claire decided it was as good a time as ever to give the helmet a try. After breakfast, Claire sat Faith on the couch and retrieved the helmet and Horsie.

“Alright, little girl.” She sat down, horse and helmet in hand. “Mister Jamie gave us this helmet. See?” She held it up to Faith. “Mister Jamie said you can’t ride Pippi unless you learn to wear the helmet.” She held both the horse and the helmet in front of Faith. “See? Horsie and helmet have to go together. Yes?”

Faith hummed happily and reached for Horsie.

“Alright…let’s see…” Claire carefully attempted to lower the helmet onto Faith’s head, but her face immediately darkened and she groaned in annoyance, averting her head.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s just a little hat. Come on, now…”

She groaned again, louder, shoving the helmet away with both of her hands.

“Wait,” Claire said quickly. “Wait here, Faith.”

Claire scrambled into her bedroom and into her closet, tearing through its contents, throwing things behind her until she found what she was looking for. A plain blue visor that she hadn’t worn in years, but kept around just in case.

“Here, Faith, look.” Claire returned to the couch and sat down. She put the visor on her own head. “See? A hat.” Faith stared at her blankly. Claire smiled and took off the visor, plopping it onto Faith’s curly head. “See?”

Faith giggled, and Claire felt a renewed sense of hope. She took the helmet back in her hands and placed it precariously atop her head. “See? It’s just a hat. It doesn’t fit Mummy’s big head, though. It was made just for you.”

Claire playfully swiped the visor off Faith's head and replaced it with the helmet, and she did not squirm away.

Claire gasped with contrived shock. "Look at you!" she gushed. Faith was beaming. "What a lovely hat, Faith!"

She hummed and bounced, and Claire laughed.

Victory!

And that was when she made her fatal mistake. She got cocky.

"Now let's just fasten it, and then you're properly wearing your new hat, yes?" Claire reached for the chin strap and fastened it. "There! All ready to ride!"

Faith's entire demeanor changed, her little brow furrowing. She reached for the chinstrap and tucked her fingers underneath, starting to tug.

"It's okay, darling."

Faith began groaning.

"Hey, it's okay, Faith." Claire, having prepared for exactly this, reached for the yellow stress ball from the stables on the coffee table. "Faith, here, love. It's okay." She put the ball in one of her hands, but Faith did not latch on. She let it fall to the ground, not removing her fingers from beneath the chin strap. Dread settled into the pit of her stomach.

“Faith…” Claire stooped down to retrieve the ball, then realized it had rolled halfway across the room. She got up from the couch to pick it up, and when she turned around, Faith was tugging forcefully on the helmet, the chin strap digging into her throat.

“Faith!” Claire dropped the ball again and practically leapt back onto the couch. “Stop!”

Fingers trembling, Claire frantically fumbled with the clasp of the chin strap, desperately trying to stop her daughter from choking herself. The second she was free, Faith gave a loud wail and hurled the helmet across the room, causing Claire to jump back in shock.

Claire was too stunned to scold her right away, her medical degree kicking into full gear as she examined her neck and throat for any marks, listened to see if her breathing was normal. Once she was certain everything was alright, Claire firmly seized one of her wrists.

“We do not throw things, Faith.” Faith began squirming, pawing at her mother’s hand. “Faith, look at me, please. I need you to look at my eyes, Faith.”

She gave a loud wail and a particularly hard yank.

“We do not throw things. Do you hear me, young lady?”

A sharp pain suddenly stuck itself into Claire’s hand, and she cried out. She immediately released Faith’s wrist and recoiled her hand into herself.

She bloody bit me.

Faith wriggled off the couch and bolted for the front door. She started tugging on the handle, determined to open the door and get as far away as her little legs would carry. Claire knew she’d really do it, too, if the door wasn’t locked.

Claire briefly sucked at the blood that started slowly trickling from her hand and then strode to the front door.

“You’re not going anywhere, little girl.” She scooped Faith around the torso with one arm and carried her, kicking and screaming into her bedroom to deposit her on the bed.

“Listen to me, Faith. If you do not calm down this instant you’ll not have any dessert tonight. Do you hear me?”

Faith shrieked. She’d certainly heard.

“I’m going to count to ten! If I get to ten and you’ve not stopped crying, no dessert.”

Claire hadn’t even gotten to three when Faith started throwing her stuffed animals in her direction. Claire continued counting calmly, knowing full well that the cotton toys would not hurt her. It was only when she reached for the lamp on her nightstand that she stopped at seven, lurching forward to stop her.

“No!” Claire shouted. Faith immediately released the lamp and clamped her hands over her ears, and a horrible, searing guilt burned her gut.

“Faith, baby, I’m sorry…I’m sorry, darling…” Claire sat down on the bed beside her and made to wrap her arms around her daughter, but she hesitated. Would she bite again, or punch, or kick?

Claire felt shameful tears stinging her eyes. Was she no better than Frank, raising her voice at her audio-sensitive daughter when she was being slightly difficult?

She shouldn’t have fastened the chin strap. She should have just let her get used to the helmet itself first. She maybe should have even waited for Mrs. Lickett to try the chinstrap. And now, because of her carelessness, she’d triggered her daughter’s biggest anxiety, and the poor girl was screaming her little head off, red in the face, because of her own mother.

Claire noticed, almost too late, that her hand was about to bleed on Faith’s brand new comforter. She hissed a frustrated “fuck” under her breath and quickly made her way to the bathroom to tend to it. She hastily wrapped some gauze around it and made her way back into Faith’s room to find her in the exact same position, hands on her ears, screaming. Claire sighed in defeat and quickly wiped her eyes clear of the tears that threatened to spill over. Perhaps it would be best if she just left her for now. There was no telling if she’d do something violent again if Claire tried to comfort her, and there was no consoling her otherwise. Claire decided to remove the lamp and anything else heavy that she could throw before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.

Only when the door was shut did Claire finally allow herself to cry.

She didn’t care that Faith could have broken a lamp and shattered a lightbulb on the new wood floors; she didn’t even care that her own daughter had drawn blood from her with her teeth. What hurt worse than that was knowing that her little girl was in turmoil because of triggers that her own mother couldn’t understand, couldn’t make better, things that Faith was not able to communicate to her or to anyone. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t even comfort her. When she was a baby, before she was symptomatic, all Claire had to do was scoop her out of her crib and rock her, bounce her, sing to her, and all her anxieties would cease, her crying would stop. But now, the older Faith got, it felt like Claire was less and less capable of providing that comfort, that sense of security.

I’m her mother. That’s my job.

And I’m failing.

Claire dumped the contents of Faith’s room that she’d emptied onto the couch and collapsed next to them, letting her tears fall freely. Somewhere in her fevered brain, she had the sense to pick up her phone from the coffee table and text Gillian. She typed: “Hey, could I call you right now?” then quickly backspaced and tried again: “Hey, are you busy right now?” She hit send, and then frantically added in a second message: “No emergency. Just miss you and want to hear your voice.”

After she hit send the second time, she let her phone rest in her lap and rested her head back on the couch cushion. Leaving Gillian had been the hardest part of leaving England. She’d been Claire’s best friend all throughout college and medical school. They’d decided to be roommates sophomore year after meeting in the pre-med program, and they’d never lived separately again until Claire’s wedding, at which, of course, Gillian had been the maid of honor. They were two peas in a pod, though one wouldn’t think so to see them separately. Gillian was brash and loud, and delightfully inappropriate more often than not. Gillian liked to say that Claire was the odd one out, that she was much too proper.

Gillian had been there for Claire after Faith’s diagnosis when Frank had not. He’d muttered something about needing some air the minute they got home from the doctor, and Claire had immediately phoned Gillian, sobbing into the phone for hours.

“He’s going to leave me, he’s going to leave us…I can’t do this alone…”

Gillian scoffed. “Wi’ the way he’s acting now, I bloody hope he does leave. Feckin’ louse.”

Well, she’d gotten what she wanted.

“I never bloody liked the bastard. I knew I should ha’ said something when he proposed. God dammit.”

Gillian had been the one to assure her that she was a good mother, that Faith’s triggers were not her fault, that she was doing the best she could.

Claire just needed to hear that right now.

As expected, Claire’s phone buzzed shortly after. She picked it up, expecting it to be a text in response, but Gillian was already calling her. Claire smiled to herself and sniffled.

“Hello?” she said, already embarrassed at how snuffly she sounded.

Gillian was quiet for a moment, then said: “Oh, is that wee Faith?”

Apparently, her shrieks were loud enough to be heard across the ocean. Claire sighed. “Yup.”

“She’s having one of her meltdowns, and ye’re all upset and feelin’ like you failed her, aye? That ye made the wrong decisions?”

Claire’s eyes quickly welled up again. “Yes,” she croaked.

“Oh, Claire. Ye ken that lass thinks ye’re a bloody queen, don’t ye? She worships ye.”

“When she’s not biting me. Or throwing things at me.”

“Och, biting again, aye? Well…ye ken that’s the autism. That’s no’ yer wee Faith. She canna help it when it takes over.”

“I know. I just…”

“She loves ye, Claire. I’ve seen it wi’ my own eyes. And I ken that she knows how fiercely ye love her. The autism just makes it hard fer her to see sometimes, aye?”

Claire breathed shakily. “I know you’re right. I mean…I know all this already. It just…”

“I ken. Ye need the reassurance. ’Specially since the Sperm Donor hasnae given ye any such thing his whole miserable life.”

Despite the pain that that fact caused, Claire could not help but smirk at Gillian’s newest term of endearment for the man who sired Faith. “Right.”

“Must be hard over there, all alone.” Claire could hear the twinge of sadness in her voice.

“I miss you, too, Gi.”

“I’m counting down the days ’till Christmas. Canna wait to see my two favorite lasses.”

Claire smiled. “And I can’t wait to see my best friend, and my daughter’s Godmother.”

“I’ve got to run, I had to sneak into a supply closet to call ye. I’m in the middle of a shift — ”

“Gillian,” Claire admonished. “You shouldn’t be doing that — ”

“Nothing more important than making sure my girls are okay. Aye?”

Claire sighed and rolled her eyes, but her smile widened.

“I hear she’s still carrying on, but just let her get it out of her wee system. She’ll be back to her humming and her movies soon enough. Just wait it out. Ye ken.”

“Yeah…I know.”

“I love ye, Claire. And I miss ye. Hang in there. I’ll call ye again sometime this week when I’m no’ in the middle of a shift. I wanna hear all about this Long Island of yers.”

Claire chuckled. “Alright. I eagerly await.”

“G’bye.”

“Bye, Gi. Thank you. Love you.”

“Quite welcome.”

She hung up, and Claire dropped her phone in her lap again. Faith was going to be inconsolable for at least another half hour, and Claire didn’t think she could bear just sitting there and listening. She didn’t turn on the telly or any music, lest she miss a suspicious noise or not hear that she stopped crying, but she did get to work sorting through a few more boxes. On her way over to a particular stack, she tripped over something. She looked down to see the riding helmet. Claire grimaced and gave it a strong kick, sending it rolling under the coffee table. She almost laughed: she’d only just admonished her daughter for doing almost the exact same thing.

“Bloody fucking helmet bastard piece of shit…”

She dissolved into an incoherent string of expletives, grateful that Faith, nor anyone else, could hear her.

#outlander #outlander au #outlander fanfic #outlandwr fanfiction #claire fraser #fergus fraser #faith fraser

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narratornavigatorstoryteller · 4 years ago

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hi this is a mello-centric account but here's my matt analysis

general

smoking

often, people who smoke do so as the result of pressure or as a coping mechanism. he's clearly smart enough to recognize what is and isn't a good idea, so i don't believe he'd start smoking just because someone else said he should. instead, i'd say he smokes as a coping mechanism. i'm not sure what exactly he'd be coping with, however, it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume stress, anxiety, and the environment in which he was raised are all contributing factors.

interest in technology

i take this to be one of a Few things that could point to him possibly having adhd or autism, likely with technology as a hyperfixation. will expand on this farther down.

was smart enough to be in 3rd place

i feel as though he could've ranked higher in the wammy's system, not because he "didn't apply himself," but more because he didn't Care. as someone with interests (and potentially, an ideal career) outside of becoming L's successor, i wouldn't be surprised if matt were on level with or even above mello. maybe it's respect or simple lack of wanting that keeps him in third.

comparable to a dog

for matt, this would be a different meaning than mello. where mello's dog comparison takes on a sharper, more assertive tone, i personally see matt as being much more responsive and analytical. where mello has a set plan in place that can be adjusted accordingly, matt has a much looser set of major goals and prefers to analyze the situation as it progresses.

i also feel like he is a leader, however he lacks the motivation to apply it. instead, going back to the dog comparison, he'll take what he's given within reason. if mello says to answer when he calls, then matt will. if wammy's house says to get ranked as high as possible, he will. at the same time, if he feels something is unnecessary, he won't even consider it. why aim for top two if third is good enough? why genuinely try to become L's successor if he just doesn't want to?

long story short, matt's what i'd like to call a selective follower; he has the qualifications to be a strong and good leader, but is very picky about where and why he applies them. as a selective follower, he'll do what he's told, but only when he actually believes in whoever is trying to instruct him. he is loyal, but might not be above playing traitor if he saw good reason to.

i doubt he was very well liked at wammy's, and was often misread by other students

as number 3, matt prevents number 4, 5, 6, etc. from even having a chance at the top. additionally, he likely presents himself as an awkward loner (with his social skills being 3/10) with a nic addiction and a love of video games. this presentation alongside his obviously high intelligence might cause people to resent and misunderstand him, seeing matt as nothing more than another obstacle between them and a higher position. social awkwardness is now read as conceitedness ("he thinks he's too good for us") and the video games and lack of rank progression are read as refusal to apply himself (which, while true, would now be read more negatively due to the situation)

goggles

i personally like to think he wears them because of light sensitivity, but at the same time i want to see them as a symbol of his constant personality masking. i can't see him as anything other than deeply thoughtful and extremely loyal. in times of stress, he projects confidence and pride, possibly to mask a fear of failure and being seen as weak. i also see a potential fear of vulnerability in him, though whether this is with himself, with others, or just in general is debatable (by obscuring his eyes, it makes it harder for them to be read, building up a wall between him and whoever he's with).

neurodivergence

i have no doubt that he is either autistic or has adhd. To start: boredom. it’s a recurring theme in death note for characters to experience boredom and have strange means of dealing with it (e.g., ryuk, light [debatable], and L). for mail, i’d say that this points even more in the direction of him being neurodivergent coded, as boredom is also a symptom found in various neurodivergencies. next; video games and electronics. hyperfixations are used as a way to relieve stress, or as something that a person simply enjoys and thinks about in ways that go far beyond their control. in chapter 85, while “watching mogi and misa” for mello, matt is shown actually playing video games instead, and states that he found his original task boring. some neurodivergent people may find it hard to complete certain tasks, especially if they don’t find them interesting, and it makes sense that he would turn to his hyperfixation instead. for now i’ll end on his social skills. in the offical stats, matt’s social skills are rated at a 3/10, which, if i’m not mistaken, is second lowest for the human death note characters at least, with near and L tying for absolute lowest at 1/10. while not everyone experiences this, its a common symptom to have “trouble” socialising, or to not be very good at reading social cues. due to his high observation skills, i’d say that a lot of what builds up his social interactions is mirroring; things he picked up from watching others, especially those at wammy’s house. i know i said i’d end with that, but some smaller points that i won’t talk too much on are his goggles (possible light sensitivity/sensory issues, also potentially a comfort item), his gloves (could be a sensory thing, or even a strong aversion to germs, though the latter is less likely due to the next point), and his environment (from what we’re shown, his workspace is very cluttered and disorganized)

relationships

mello

mello’s the only one we ever see any interaction with. They’re officially described as “friends," and stayed together for a bit before takada's kidnapping. they seem to hold mutual respect and trust for each other, with matt being willing to assist in mello's plans and mello calling matt to work with him after the explosion. when matt slipped up while spying on misa, mello was shown to be a bit annoyed, however he didn’t mention it and simply carried on with things the best he could. their relationship overall seems to be a very good one, even after all their years apart.

#death note #mail jeevas #matt death note #character analysis #matt

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kingsuckjin · 5 years ago

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The Enigma of Bunny | Pt.3

Pairing: Jungkook, Yoongi, Jimin, Jin, Taehyung(soon) x reader also featuring Hobi and Namjoon

Genre: fluffy fluff fluff, angst, smut (later) mystery, horror, yandere stuff later

Warnings: heavy talk of mental disorders and abuse (therapy) Jungkook has a weird episode that I can’t really explain now but just be weary. Eventual dark and yandere themes.

Synopsis: You find a very sick young man in an alley and out of the bottomless barrel of kindness that is your heart, you decide take him home. Only then do you realize this stranger doesn’t speak, but that’s not the only strange thing about him by far. Who is he? Where did he come from? What happened to him? And why can’t he remember anything or even speak?

Words:4.3kish

Tag list: If you want added to the tag list so you get notifications for new chapters then just let me know.

@rikkafunthepureone @illnevertrustmyselfagain @sam-moss

Prev // next

“Noona! Noona, Noona, Noona!”

“You really don’t need to wake her, I’m just here to-”

“Noona!”

You let out a sigh as you rolled out of bed and quickly but still groggy, headed off towards the calls to find Jungkook standing in the lounge with Yoongi who looked to be holding something.

“Sorry- I didn’t mean to wake y-”

“Noona.” Jungkook said as he pointed at Yoongi.

“I know Jungkook. That’s Yoongi. He lives over there, he’s been here before.” You pointed to the direction he lived in as you reminded him.

“So he has a name?” Yoongi asked as you walked closer to them to take a look at what he had in hid hands, a plastic tupperware container.

“Yeah, he named himself.”

“Jungkook.” He pointed to himself seeming to introduce himself to Yoongi, but Yoongi ignored it.

“I thought you…” he trailed off.

“I did but the police couldn’t find who he was and made me come get him because he was crying for me.”

Yoongi cracked a smile of amusement along with a brief laugh.

“Well, whatever. I brought you brownies. I made too many.” He said and held the container forward for you to take.

You couldn’t help but smile at the sentiment.

“Thank you!”

“I really didn’t have anything else to do with them besides throw them away.” He shrugged.

“I still appreciate it. Hey, do you think maybe you could come with me later to do something if you’re not busy later? I kind of need a favor-”

“Yeah.” You were cut off speaking by his fast reply. “Well, what is it? I might have time… probably.”

“Its for Jungkook over here. He has no clothes and I don’t know how long he’s going to be here and he can’t keep wearing my clothes and-”

“Obviously.” Yoongi said looking over the tight pink pajamas he was wearing. You went on anyway ignoring his comment.

“And I don’t know anything about men’s clothes or what men need. I think I need to shave him but I don’t know how?”

“Shave him?” He asked with raised eyebrows.

“His face, yeah. I don’t know how good he’d look with a biker beard.”

“I’ll help.” Yoongi agreed.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” You jumped around as you said. You felt relieved that you didn’t have to try to figure this out all by yourself now.

“When?”

“When are you free?” You replied.

“Well I mean I’m not doing anything right now…”

You clapped your hands together with a smile.

“Yes! Let me go get dressed and grab Jungkook’s only clothes.” You raced off and hurriedly got dressed.

When you returned with Jungkook’s neatly folded clothes he began to strip until you stopped him and pushed him into the bathroom and closed the door.

“So hes like… actually mentally…?” Yoongi whispered to me.

“He’s smart.” You replied defensively.

“But he just…”

“But he catches onto things so quickly. He figures things out sometimes by himself. I-I don’t know. I’m no psychologist but if he was disabled he would’ve learned all these things already, he would’ve seen them being done and copied whoever cared for him. He’s learning to speak so fast. I… I kind of- I just have this feeling something happened to him and I don’t know why. It’s hard to explain.”

“Maybe you should have him see a doctor.” Yoongi suggested to you as Jungkook came out fully dressed. Before you even put your shoes on he was putting his on. He had already realized you all were leaving.

You put yours on too and as you stepped out of the apartment complex all together. Jungkook grabbed your hand and placed it on his muscled upper arm.

“Why is he making you do that?” Yoongi had seen the gesture.

“Well the first time we went out he was distracted by a lot of stuff and he took off once in the store, he’s also a little jittery. This way I can guide him, stop him, and lead him, we do it every time we go somewhere. I think it might be a comfort thing for him at his point.”

“What do you mean?”

“It makes him feel safe. I’ve noticed that there’s a couple things he likes doing that makes him feel safe, that’s why I think something happened to him.”

“Like what? What are the things?”

“Well first of all he flips out if I leave him. He doesn’t like knocking at the door or loud noises.” You looked to Jungkook to give him a quick smile that he returned.

“He squeals every time I knock.” Yoongi replied.

“He also likes me calling him by his nickname, or well, what I named him first.”

“So you don’t think he might be autistic? My cousin is on the autism spectrum.” Yoongi came right out and asked.

“I don’t really know what the qualifications for that are. He doesn’t seem slow at anything, just new at everything, absolutely everything.” You shrugged.

“So whats the deal with that? Do you like help him go to the bathroom or bathe him?” He asked.

“He can go to the bathroom himself.” You answered understanding Yoongi’s harmless curious questions about your guest.

“So do you bathe him?”

At this question though you went quiet for a few seconds, you decided it was best not to say a clear yes or no, just to explain.

“He acted like he had never even seen a bathtub before. But I think he can do it himself now after I did it for him.”

“That’s… strange. Your like… bathing a grown stranger man.”

You pouted as he once again judged you.

“Its not. Nurses help people do that stuff all the time, especially for the elderly or handicapped. Its not like I saw anything when I helped him anyway, I look away. I don’t think its very weird, he’s learning.”

“I guess you put it that way it’s not to bad. Its actually pretty sweet of you.”

You now beamed at Yoongi after he said this as it restored your faith in him.

“Noona.” Jungkook pointed to graffiti on the side of a building depicting a very realistic cat.

“Cat. It’s a cat.” He replied in a full, clear sentence.

“Nice job!” You gave his arm a proud squeeze as you cooed.

“Noona.” He said and pointed at a bus.

“Bus.” You told him.

“Its a bus.” He now seemed to mutter to himself trying the sentence on the new word. His parroting had evolved.

You admit you didn’t really like going out like this before, but now just hearing his vocabulary grow made you want to keep him out all day.

“Good job.” You whispered to him.

“Jungkook good job?” He asked.

“Jungkook did a good job.” You replied correcting him and also telling him.

“Noona did a good job… noona… noona tell Jungkook, cat, bus, star.” He looked down at you with fondness.

“What?” Yoongi asked probably confused by the seemingly random words, but you knew.

“Are you thanking me for teaching you?” You asked Jungkook and his face lit up at my words letting me know you were right as he nodded.

“Yes! Thanking you.”

“You mean thank you.” You corrected.

“Noona thank you.”

There was something powerful about him thanking you, showing his appreciation for something you were trying so hard at helping him with. It wasn’t just his look of appreciation this time, he had decided to struggle with his words just to let you know he appreciated your efforts.

“You’re welcome.” Was the only uncomplicated reply you could think of, but it didn’t serve how you felt justice.

“He’s… actually not as bad at talking as I thought.” Yoongi admitted.

“He couldn’t even put together sentences before yesterday. He didn’t know any words when I found him. I think he learned them from me and dramas.”

“Oh. Wow… wait. Have you ever thought Korean just might not be his first language?” Yoongi asked before getting Jungkook’s attention and saying something in English but he obviously didn’t understand.

“Well that still wouldn’t explain him not knowing what a bath was or how to drink from a cup, I’m pretty sure they do those things in other countries as well.” You pointed out.

“Odd. Very odd.” Yoongi cocked a brow at Jungkook as if he were a puzzle that had yet to be solved.

You all went in clothing store after clothing store, picking him up item after item.

Even though Yoongi mostly only wore black you noticed he had quite an eye for fashion and you were glad for that. You even had Jungkook help by picking between some items. You had him try on so many things and you were pretty happy about getting to dress him up like a living doll. He had a nice body, nice face and a nice haircut so almost anything you put him in looked good. You went a little overboard but that was fine since you had a nice big chunk of savings put away from all this time living alone and only having to care for yourself, so you didn’t mind splurging on pricey things for him.

You also picked up some nice stuff for yourself and Yoongi couldn’t help but join in and buy some things for himself too. You were surprised when you suggested something would look good on Yoongi and he immediately snatched it up and bought it.

During the little outing together you all had some lunch. You finally asked him about what he did for work and you were amazed to find out he produced music so he worked from home too.

Jungkook seemed to kind of take a liking to him too and on the way home Jungkook did what he always did with you to learn words.

“Yoongi.” Jungkook pointed to a kid riding a bike.

“Bike.” Yoongi replied and Jungkook repeated it back possibly to remember it.

“Yoongi.” Jungkook pointed again as we walked by a river.

“River. It’s water.” Yoongi told him.

“Bath?” Jungkook asked.

“No, not like a bath.” Yoongi laughed and you smiled.

You went back to your place where Yoongi taught and helped you shave Jungkook’s face with a razor and shaving cream.

“Hold still, Bunny.” You had to remind him a few times.

“Bunny still.” Jungkook replied and would sit still for only a few moments before fidgeting again.

“Well stop talking before I accidentally cut your lip off.” Yoongi told him as he concentrated on his face.

You thanked Yoongi before he left and you two got each others numbers, his reason being he could help with him if you ever needed it.

Jungkook looked happier and much better in his own new pajamas and freshly clean and bathed after disappearing off into the bathroom for a while by himself. It kind of sparked pride in you. He deserved it for working so hard.

You decided that you’d attempt to make an appointment to have him seen by a psychologist or something to see what they had to say about him. You didn’t care if there was “something wrong with him” as some people would put it, you just wanted to better be able to understand him even though he seemed to understand you just fine. You wanted a professional opinion to see what they thought about him, why they thought he was the way he was.

You heard the tv on all night and Jungkook seemingly talking to himself. At one point you peeked into the lounge to check on him to find him saying back phrases from shows. It was around one in the morning and he looked tired but he was learning, he was up doing his best and it warmed your heart.

You walked into the living room and he didn’t notice you at first but when he did it took him by surprise and he jumped.

“Lets go to bed Jungkook.” You told him and turned off the tv before covering him up. He got the message and laid back on the sofa.

You went to pull away and go back to bed but he put your hands on your arm stopping you.

“Noona, thank you.” He said and you could feel his appreciation once again, you could see it in his big brown eyes that looked up at you.

“You’re welcome, Bunny. Goodnight.” You told him and he let you go to bed and so did he.

There was a loud yell and at first you thought you were dreaming until you heard it again followed by a loud thump.

It was Bunny.

You jumped from your bed and into the living room that was only lit by the television to see Jungkook tangled in blankets and seemingly fighting with nothing and rolling on the floor.

“Bunny! Bunny Bunny.”

You ran to his side and knelt on the floor, dodging his flying fists as you did so. You managed to grab both his wrists and his eyes flew open.

He panted hard as he just stared up at you. His eyes were big and glossed with horror as he breathed hard. You helped pull him to a sitting position on the floor seeing as he was now much calmer and now staring just straight ahead until you spoke.

“Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?” Your voice was gentle and quiet which was a sharp contrast to the commotion a moment ago.

He just looked at you still breathing hard, looking like he was deciding not to answer this time.

Your hand went to his firm back and rubbed gentle circles until his breathing slowed down and he seemed to shake off however he felt.

If he didn’t want to talk about it, you weren’t going to make him.

“Bunny okay.” He finally told you before getting back up on the sofa to lay down but you still looked at him with concern.

“Promise. Sleep, okay?”

You finally nodded before heading back to your bed. You however didn’t go to sleep immediately, but stayed up for a while just to make sure he was okay.

The next morning he ate his cereal and drank his banana milk and watched more dramas as you called around to try to make him an appointment to see someone. You found out it was pretty hard to do for someone with no identity, but after explaining his story one psychologist they had agreed to see him later on that day most likely out of curiosity.

After you were off the phone you sat down with Jungkook who had just come back from putting his dishes in the sink.

“Noona. How are you today?” He asked before you could say anything and you couldn’t help but be astonished at his perfectly put together question.

“Good. Happy. You’re doing a good job at learning. How are you today?”

“Uhh…” He looked to either be thinking or choosing words “happy.” He stated “Noona…uhh making… Jungkook happy. Noona… cares Jungkook…?” He tailed off at the end like a question, like he was unsure of his words.

“I do care about Jungkook.” You smiled and upon hearing this he smiled back.

“I do care about noona.” He said back just the way you had, but replacing the names.

“Thank you, that means a lot to me.” You replied “Jungkook, how would you feel about going somewhere to talk to someone today?” You decided to break the news.

“Uhhh…” he seemed to think again “Jungkook talking… not good.”

“I know, but that’s okay.” You assured him.

“Noona won’t leave?”

You and you understood that he was wondering if you were going to leave him there like at the police station.

“No no, I won’t leave you there. I’ll stay.”

“Kay.” He seemed very pleased by your answer.

When he got dressed you couldn’t help but admire just how absolutely normal he looked, but how else was he supposed to look though? disheveled? He pretty much knew how to take care of himself now but you were just amazed at how little time it took him to learn and how fast he was at understanding things.

You explained all of this to the psychologist, how fast he learned, and how just a week ago he couldn’t talk or bathe himself. You talked about how he acted like he had never drank from a cup or seen a cat or bus or went to a store before you. You also talked about how he was so nervous and jumpy sometimes. You laid it all out for her in the little office as you sat on a sofa with Jungkook who was scooted close to you, seeming nervous and quiet but she seemed to be watching him carefully before she decided to talk with him a bit possibly to gauge his language skills.

“How are you today Jungkook?” She asked the same question he had this morning, you knew he had this one.

“Good.” He replied normally but bit his lip nervously.

“Why? What did you do today?”

“Jungkook ate- I ate… chips.” He seemed to correct himself and I could tell he was feeling under pressure right now. “I… had… bath. I… try to… learn.” He pieced things together slowly but the best he could.

“Good! Wow.” She said making him finally look proud instead of nervous “you teach yourself to talk?” She asked and he nodded.

“I see talking and… I… learn, I keep it.” He said and pointed to his head.

She now turned to you.

“When you first found him do you recall if there were any marks of possible abuse on his body?” She asked obviously thinking the same thing you had felt.

“No, he was just really sick and out of it. Honestly I thought he might die when I brought him home. He was really pale, he still is a little but there were no bruises or anything and he was dressed alright.”

“You said just a week ago he practically knew nothing and now he’s caring for himself and almost speaking in complete sentences. What I was thinking was that he already knew all these things, he’s just recalling these words and what they mean or remembering how to bathe once you show him. He doesn’t seem at all like hes on the autism spectrum. He does seem nervous around people but he’s still social and not too awkward and he doesn’t at all mind eye contact or touching since hes been holding onto you this whole time. But the nervousness might be due to trauma of some kind that he can’t recall. He can’t remember any of these things but they’re all still in the back of his mind somewhere. I’m honestly leaning towards amnesia from some kind of dis-associative amnesia from some sort of traumatic event.” She explained.

“I thought amnesia only happened from bumps on the head or something.” You really knew nothing about this.

“No, not at all. Psychogenic amnesia happens if a person is just under a crazy amount of stress over something. If this is true he might also be suffering from PTSD over an event he can’t even remember so he might not be getting the flashbacks an individual with PTSD would have, just the sudden fear and anxiety when certain things happen. Is there anything hes scared of?”

“Oh yeah.” You replied “Horror movies, knocks at the door, being left alone and me getting upset with him, those are just off the top of my head.

“Yeah, that sounds like he might’ve suffered some sort of abuse.” She said confirming my worries. Your face fell at what she had just told you, you really didn’t want either of you to be right. “But the good news is he seems to be doing just fine with you, whatever you’re to help seems to be working.”

“Will he ever be able to remember anything or what happened to him?” You were curious.

“There’s a good chance, yes, if he did blank out absolutely everything like that then maybe not. It depends on the person and the severity of amnesia and trauma.”

“And how bad would you say his is?” You asked already knowing the answer.

“Extreme.” Was her answer.

She also talked about what to do if he ever had a severe PTSD attack and how he might act and it was scary to you to imagine. Part of you didn’t want him to ever remember just in case he did go through something awful.

She talked with him more and asked him if anything bad had ever happened to him but he just seemed confused.

She told me to hang in there with him and that if he stayed with me that he would undoubtedly be able to return to what he once was before… whatever that was.

Over the next few days you worked on finding things that would help him. Yoongi had brought over an electric razor so he could shave himself and he also had dinner with you guys. You could tell Jungkook really liked his company but not so much Jimin’s when we saw him a few times.

You also found out Jungkook liked to draw and was astoundingly good at it. Also found out that he could not only draw, but he knew how to write and spell and everything as well even though it was just as jumbled as his speech still was, that was okay though.

You had bought him a pad of paper and a pack of pencils at the store after he asked “Noona, can we have?” As he begged with those big eyes and of course you couldn’t say no.

You watched him draw everything from realistic detailed cats lounging in windows to cartoonish containers of banana milk. You admired what he drew and you loved to watch him concentrate as his pencil danced over yhe paper. It seemed that even though he struggled with words still a bit, he didn’t struggle at all making beautiful things from flow onto the paper from his mind, it was so effortless for him.

You liked the way he smiled at you when you complimented him on his drawing skills.

You got a call from detective Kim Namjoon at the end of the week to let you know they still had nothing on who he was and that’s when you explained to him what the psychologist had told you.

You kind of hoped that maybe even if they did find a loved one of his then they didn’t let him go back because you were scared of them hurting him.

You watched him hunched over over paper, drawing silently with a look of concentration on his face on the sofa with his shaggy hair dangling down away from his forehead. He would occasionally run his fingers through the shiny locks. He looked so at ease, so professional somehow when he drew. He was so sweet, but you thought about what horrors he could’ve been though to cause something this bad.

“Bunny?” You interruped him .

“Huh?” He set his pencil down and looked at you.

“I really do care about you, I meant it.”

The sweet smile that erupted on his face was priceless and made your heart flutter. You wanted to hug him, just wrap your arms around him and enjoy his company right now knowing you may not have much longer with him. At any given moment the detective could call and-

“I really do care about you too, noona.”

He answered. He now knew your name, Yoongi called you it all the time, but Jungkook still didn’t call you by it and you were okay with that because when you two were alone you still called him Bunny.

You realized you were just staring hat him all goofy with a smile creating some strange type of tension between the both of you. He must’ve realized this too because he looked over your face and probably thought you were dumb.

To your surprise he reached up and took your chin between his large thumb and index finger and took control of your head, wiggling it back and forth gently, playfully, but rapidly.

You couldn’t help but laugh at this random gesture as he dropped his hand with a grin and went right back to drawing.

You liked his approach.

You liked that he had just combated your awkwardness with playfulness and kindness.

“Cute.” He mumbled as he stayed focused on his drawing.

You were left speechless with his comment but in your head you wholeheartedly disagreed, he was obviously the cute one in your eyes.

You wondered if he knew, if he would ever know

That him simply being around you brought you great joy and erased the loneliness from you that you had denied you even had while living alone. How you barely went outside before he got here but now found yourself wanting to take him out and about every day. Could he tell you didn’t care in the slightest about what you wore but cared about him feeling good in his new clothes? Could he tell how sometimes you felt your heart would just implode with a sense of joy every time he even did something small or made any improvement.

Or would he not understand?

You liked to think he did, he showed signs he did. You liked to think he was proud of himself too, that he felt good about himself, that he was coming out of all of this.

You didn’t know if you would ever see the day when all his pieces were back together, if it even happened at all.

You felt it coming though with the phone call earlier from the detective reminding you they were still searching. Though just now might’ve been your brain pleading to let him know, just once more, that you cared before it was all gone. You weren’t going to even try to trick yourself into thinking he didn’t have a place out there in this world even if you sometimes felt like you didn’t. He was far to kind and pretty and talented for you to think he was no one like you occasionally felt you were.

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thehundredplusone · 5 years ago

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Infodump: The Satanic Panic & Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA)

GRAPHIC CONTENT AHEAD! STRONG CONTENT WARNINGS FOR THE FOLLOWING:

Child abuse

Murder

Police abuse

Satanism

Mental illness

Cannibalism

TL;DR at the bottom.

I'm autistic and my "focus" or specialist subject is extreme religion, cults, and religious abuse. The subset I've been most interested in for several years is the satanic panic of America in the 1980s and 90s. This is the period of time which the idea of satanic ritual abuse comes out of. For those who don’t know, satanic ritual abuse or SRA is purported to be an organized form of child abuse and murder conducted by underground rings of “satanists”.

An important bit of context around these events: it was around this time that the fact that child abuse existed first entered the public consciousness. It's weird to think that child abuse wasn't considered a 'thing' at any point because we're so aware of it today but up until the 1970s, at least in the USA, no one really considered it. People ignored physical, mental, and sexual abuse in the home, considering it a private matter. "We believe the children" was such an important mantra during this time and so key to the SRA movement precisely because they were coming out of a period in which children were never believed about abuse at home and there was a major push to be aware of the symptoms of abuse.

The first ideas of SRA initially came from a book called Michelle Remembers, which is purportedly true account of a woman surfacing memories of SRA with her therapist. The book was a cultural hit and spread like wildfire, leading the authors, Dr. Lawrence Pazder and Michelle Smith (soon to be Dr and Mrs Pazder, as they both left their spouses and got married), to go touring the country to speak at psychology conferences, to newspapers, and on TV shows. They claimed that there were underground rings of satanists going around abusing children.

Interestingly, as people dug into Michelle's history to make sense of how this horrible abuse had happened to her, some inconsistencies showed up, like the fact that she had perfect attendance at school during the periods which she was supposedly being held captive by satanists. Michelle also claimed to have been directly healed by religious figures like Mary and the Archangel Michael, which was why she bore no physical marks from her abuse. Some have speculated that Michelle’s trauma was actually related to repeated miscarriages and the medical procedures she went through surrounding them. There are a number of elements which make the story suspect but they were brushed aside during that time.

Soon enough self-titled experts on SRA with no real qualifications other than attending a conference began to offer training sessions about recognizing the signs of satanic activity and abuse to police departments and teachers. Among their claimed signs that satanism was active in a community was one particularly dangerous suggestion. These experts, who often had little training in child psychology, claimed that while children never lie about being abused, children who were victims of SRA may lie and claim that they weren't abused. It was important, they said, to keep asking and make it clear that they didn't have to protect their abusers.

If you know anything about about psychology, your red flags might be going up right now, and with very good reason. Children are highly susceptible to suggestion and pressure. If they are asked a question over and over again by an adult who is pushing them to give a certain answer, they generally will. Adults are susceptible to this as well but to a lesser degree, which is part of why you see people confessing to crimes they never committed. Hold a person in a room for hours and hours, asking them constantly about something they want you to confess to and many people will eventually confess falsely just to get out of the room.

This is exactly what happened once things really took off. If you ask Americans about the satanic panic, those who know of it will often point to one key trial set right in the midst of the most frantic part of this cultural hysteria. That would be the McMartin preschool trial. So the McMartin preschool was a daycare in California run by a family, the McMartins. They were well regarded in the community and had quite a few kids attending their center. One day, a mother noticed an odd mark on her son's bottom and became concerned that he was being abused. After questioning him repeatedly, he finally said that his father, who was a teacher at his preschool, had hurt him. She contacted the police, and the police, seemingly knowing exactly what would send the community into a fervor, sent a letter to every parent at the preschool urging them to talk with their children and find out if they were being abused. More parents insistently questioned their children until they too confessed to abuse of all stripes. Another interesting note here: The mother who initially made the complaint had a history of mental illness and of suspecting others of abusing her son. She checked him for marks regularly and questioned him about possible abuse. While we can't say for certain this is what led to his confession, knowing that he'd had this line of questioning before makes it more likely he could have been coerced into a false confession.

The daycare teachers were arrested and all of the children were brought in to be questioned by social workers and police. They used the same tactics as described above, holding children in rooms for extended periods of time, asking them over and over about the same things until they agreed, telling them that other children had confessed to acts which they hadn't confessed to, and describing explicit, leading scenarios. The children questioned were very young, as young as two in some cases, and they were being prompted to agree with trained adults.

The adults also took any fantastical statement the child made as fact, going on the premise that they should believe the children. Claims taken seriously included dozens of babies being butchered and eaten, being flushed down a toilet into a secret room, and flying through the air. The daycare's entire building and property were dismantled and searched for hidden compartments or rooms and remains of the children supposedly killed. Nothing was ever found. The parents and children also met with Dr Pazder and Michelle in the run-up to the trial and it's believed that this influenced their testimony. SRA claims were also heavy in the medial around this time through a number of other cases and it's likely that children picked up on the stories and them subconsciously used what they'd heard from the TV or their parents in their own accounts. Ultimately, most of the charges were dismissed due to a lack of evidence. The few which went forward were eventually reversed, in some cases after the defendant served time in jail.

That's not the end of the story on SRA though. Remember the kids going through this? The kids who were trapped in rooms, separated from their families, forced to confess to graphic details of abuse which no child should ever have to hear, not allowed to leave until they told the police or psychologists what they wanted? That is scarring for a child. While some kids had enough of a sense of self to realize that none of it happened, many others had their very fragile sense of self ripped to shreds and tainted with the ideas people pushed onto them. They developed false memories of their childhoods. Normal scenes of happy families, playing with friends, going to preschool, were tainted by the anxiety and fear they were put through by people who should have been protecting them.

One story highlighted in a podcast I listened to highlighted a young man named J and his father, M. M was accused of satanic abuse by his ex-wife and ended up in jail. J and his siblings were sent to a therapist who convinced them that they were abused. The therapist told him he'd never be able to hold down a job, that he'd be stalked all his life by the satanic cult, and if he tried to be normal, he'd wind up abusing children the way his father did. J wound up depressed and involved in drugs but did eventually stop therapy and managed to pull together a life for himself.

When he was in his 30s, still fully believing that his father had abused him, his younger brother made contact with their dad. M sent the brother a long letter explaining what he remembered of the events and apologizing for them, which was forwarded to J. The letter ultimately helped J find cracks in the abuse memories which his mother and therapist had created and he began to question everything. He had been traumatized as a very young child into believing he was abused, but that itself was ultimately the abuse. Nothing had happened to him but a mentally ill mother and a manipulative, unethical therapist, but those were enough to leave him with years of scars and problems to work through.

I want to be clear that I’m not trying to discredit or harm people who have memories of SRA. While the acts never happened in nearly every case, the pain and trauma inflicted by being made to agree to graphic descriptions of abuse is very real. Their suffering is real. The blame for that suffering should be placed where it belongs. The only way we prevent something like this from happening again is to have accurate accounts of how it happened the first time. If you believe yourself to be an SRA victim, my heart goes out to you. I hope you’re able to heal in time and piece yourself back together.

TL;DR: SRA came out of a weird period of botched child psychology and hysteria. It's not likely anyone was ever ritualistically abused by satanists. People with memories from SRA cases have had false memories imprinted on them through repeated questioning by police, social workers, therapists, and parents. These people were their abusers, not satanists. They are abuse victims and they may have very real mental illnesses due to trauma.

If you want more info about this topic, I recommend checking out the podcasts "Conviction" (Season 2), "You're Wrong About" (Michelle Remembers episodes) and "The Satanic Panic".

#sra #satanic ritual abuse #cw child abuse #cw murder #cw police abuse #cw mental heath #graphic #michelle remembers #ritual abuse #infodump

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actuallystimming · 5 years ago

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Hey there! So I just recently (like, a month ago) got diagnosed with level 1 autism. So now I'm trying to learn more about autism, and I don't know if this counts as stimming, and I'd like your input. Anyway: I bite my fingernails and pick/bite the skin around my cuticles. When I was a teenager with unmanaged depression I did both to excess (fingertips constantly in pain, cuticles bleeding, etc.) but I'm much better at controlling it now. Anyway. Is that stimming? (Thanks for reading!)

Hi! I can’t tell you anything for certain (I’m the opposite of an expert and don’t have any qualifications to be talking about autism beyond my own experiences), but the short answer is yes, it’s stimming.

The longer answer is that as far as I understand it, things like nail biting and skin picking (which I struggled with in a way that sounds similar to your experiences with nail biting) are often called Body Focused Repetitive Behaviours (BRFBs), and are linked to forms of neurodivergence, including autism. BFRBs are a form of stimming, but they’re not talked about as much in the stim community here. I think that this is because while most stimming is a positive thing that people want to do freely, BFRBs can be harmful and sometimes need to be controlled to avoid hurting yourself. I found a stim that replaced my skin picking almost exactly, which shows that there isn’t much difference between BFRBs and other forms of stimming.

Also, I don’t know if this is the case for you, but when I was diagnosed I got a report about my autism. It was an interesting read because it explained which of my experiences are autistic traits and which aren’t, and if you got something similar it might be interesting to see if it says anything about the nail biting, to look at what people who diagnosed you said about it.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re managing your depression and nail biting better these days, and I hope some of this was useful!

#actuallystimming #actuallyautistic #stimming #brfb #actually autistic #body stimming #asks

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whatstodaysstim · 5 years ago

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*This is long and ranty*

Bad Stim of the Day is: I have a new employment adviser and... he’s terrible. So he’s autistic too but he really really really likes using functioning labels and keeps trying to use them on me despite my protests. He likes saying he’s high functioning as it ‘shows his true potential and intellect.’ He is just putting himself above those deemed ‘low functioning’ cus it makes him feel good. So after I finally got him to understand I don’t want high functioning applied to me and why (cus it introduces a ‘I’m better system’ and denies me help and other’s autonomy) he then kept trying to show that by not having functioning labels I make everything hard. I explained I’d rather explain what I actually need support with rather than chuck a functioning label on and have to explain anyway and get the ‘oh but you said you were high functioning’ later. And he just didn’t get it and kept saying it was my diagnosis and I should utilize it rather than just putting ‘autistic’ in disablitity boxes because no one will understand my true potential. This guy was steeped in internalised ableism and was desperately trying to drag me into it. He then went on about how I should just be resilent in the jobs I take and power through ‘things I don’t like’ such as being over stimulated and having meltdowns. Also to ‘just not get upset when I get offended about being misgendered’ and even suggested not bothering saying I’m a trans guy and just go a girl ‘cus it would be easier’. So add not understanding how dysphoria and being trans works to the list too. I desperately wanted to like this guy because he’s the last employment adviser I can have, my first I quit as she didn’t understand my qualifications and thought they were mistakes, the second left for a better job so he’s the last. I hope I’ll have more of an influence over him than he me. The actual stimming was me spinning slightly side to side in his spinny chair which I did to avoid going mad from how upset I was getting.

#my stim #bad stim #Stimming #actuallyautistic #Story Time #internalised ableism #ableism #misgendering

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mentalillnessmouse · 6 years ago

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(p1) Hi, I'm writing because I feel there is no hope for me. I'm 30, I live at home where I get verbally mistreated (it was physical when I was younger.) I'm morbidly obese, agoraphobic, I literally didn't leave the house for a 2 year period and still rarely do. I have 0 friends and never had any except a few online ones who ditched me years ago. I was bullied constantly. I have self-harm marks all over my arms. I've NEVER had a job, or finished high school. I still almost never leave the house.

(p2) I’ve asked for help to learn to drive, but they tell me I can’t. I guess because they call me autistic and tell me I am not very smart and make jokes about me having ADHD. I took those comments seriously and they told me I was “looking for problems.” WHAT? I made the mistake of speaking with a few psychiatrists about it who shut me down because, in their words, I didn’t “look” like I had those issues. And that my parents had hard jobs so it made sense they would lash out at me.

(p3) I deal with other issues too like menorrhagia. A doctor had me do an ultrasound (this was like my 3rd one since ‘06) and sent me to a specialist because they saw something. The specialist said she didn’t think anything was there and wasn’t going to actually examine me. I gave up. I’m afraid to speak up for myself, I genuinely don’t understand how to live, make friends, talk to people. I feel like I just have TOO MANY issues. And at my age I don’t see why anyone would bother with me anymore.

(p4) I have an appt with a psych at the same place as the others because I have my city’s free insurance and nowhere else to go. I don’t know if I can do it again after this? I just wanted somewhere to reach out at least one more time :( I’ve reached out to others (like extended family) who will talk to me for a bit then ignore? I can’t help but to feel damaged or like I’m doing something wrong I can’t figure out. I feel like a weak loser and I didn’t try good enough.I’m sorry this is so long

Hello Anon,

I’m mod Bee and I’ll do my best to help you out, but I received help myself from the other mods to write you back. So this is a communal effort!

Thank you for reaching out, and I’m sorry you’re going though such a difficult and distressing situation. You sound strong and tenacious, and I’m proud of you for the way you keep trying to improve your life.

We have some suggestions that we hope can be of help. They’ll concerne:

finding online communities/groups to hang out with

finding a professional that suits your needs

looking for courses you can join

thinking about possible job options

Just an head up: this is going to be long, and it will contain tons of links. I’ll highlight one - that I think it’s most useful - for each section, but I suggest you to go through them all.

1. finding online communities/groups to hang out with

Having friends is important for our mental health, but it can get difficult to make new ones, especially when we’ve been burned before.

Online communities, forums, and groups, can be good places to start looking for friends again. You can approach them with as much caution as you need, and find those people you relate with the most.

If you like games, and rpgs in particular, there are online options that allow you to connect with other others all over the world. Activities like Dungeon&Dragons are based around players’ interactions, so you’d get to know people without putting the stress on forging new friendships. The article 10 Best Online Chat Rooms & Games suggests other equally fitting games.

Forums and groups where you can share your experience and fears are another important tool you can use. I’ve looked into active ones and found Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia Forum, r/Agoraphobia/ (on reddit), bus (a self-harm support forum), Mental health support group and discussion community, Online Support Groups by Turn2Me, PsychForums (Psychology and Mental Health Forums), and the ReachOut app.

Trying with pen pals - a one on one exchange - could also be a good idea: InterPals and PenPalWorld are only two of the many websites dedicated to this purpose. Here’s some tips on how it works.

Finally, there are apps with the specific purpose of finding new friends, like Bumble BFF. Try to see if you there’s one of your liking in this list.

2. finding a professional that suits your needs

We usually recommend what it’s colloquially called “psychiatrist/therapist shopping”, the act of choosing a professional after inquiring what we need to know of their line of work, based on our own wishes, and asking this to more than one.

It’s difficult when insurance covers just a little portion of professionals, but not impossible.

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Therapy For Every Budget: How To Access It

9 Ways to Get Free or Cheap Therapy When You Don’t Have Health Insurance

Dial 211 for Essential Community Services: if you call 211, you can ask about free therapy options in your area, or how to work with you insurance to afford other professionals.

If none of these options work out, and you have to stick with the professional your insurance provides, there are measures you can take that might help making the sessions successful. Check out 21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session and How to Talk to Your Doctors When They Don’t Listen.

If your new psychiatrist tries to dismiss you without hearing everything that you have to say, insist that they write on your record exactly what they did and why, and that you absolutely want a copy of it before you exit their room. It’s your right to have both your requests accomplished. I know it’s not easy to have them respected: you’ll probably have to stand your ground and that can be difficult, but I think it’s important for you and fundamental for what you can get out of this session. This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself, which I suggest you to start before going to your appointment, if you can. It can be useful to face your family, too.

Does your insurance cover a different specialist for the gynecological problem your doctor wanted you to check out? Is there any free or low-cost clinic near you, like Planned Parenthood or Free Clinic? You can inquire about their services through email.

3. looking for courses you can join

Online courses can be helpful for a number of things, like keeping busy, learning new stuff, feeling accomplished, and possibly getting some qualifications.

There are some free options that end with a proper certificate, but not all are accredited, meaning that they’re not automatically accepted by employers (they can choose to consider them valid or not). Still, there are no downsides in joining such a course, seeing that it doesn’t cost anything but your time.

Not accredited certificates/no certificates:

Alison’s Diploma Courses and Certificate Courses

FutureLearn doesn’t grant you certificates with their free courses, but it still provides learning access

edX’s Courses

Udemi, not free but it offers up to 90% discounts generally once a month

Learn how to code, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn coding

Free Online Language Courses, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn languages

24 Invaluable Skills To Learn For Free

Accredited certificates

coursera offers some free courses, and/or the possibility to apply for financial aid

Online Degree require no tuition, no applications, and no interviews, and has worked so participating Universities around the country will consider the courses for credit, potentially finishing up to an entire freshman year of college

edX’s Professional Certificate Programs are not free, but edX offers up to a 90% discount to those who prove they cannot pay a full price.

University Of The People is tuition-free, which means there is no charge for teaching or instruction, only initial fees (around 160$) for each course. You can also apply for scholarships.

on StudyPortal - Scholarships, you can find a huge number of scholarships available in your country, and here you can find the easiest scholarships to apply to. There are also scholarships for online courses.

There’s also the possibility of completing high school through virtual courses, and if they’re organized by your State’s public school system, they should be free. You can find more info on this here.

4. thinking about possible job options

Working towards finding a job is important for our own self-worth and feeling like a valuable member of society, and of course it can also help with looking for better therapy.

It can be tricky when mental and physical illnesses are at play, though. That’s why I’d like to give you some online options here, too, that don’t ask for any particular prerequisite, and would give you enough free time to focus to get better. Jobs like data entry or app testing are doable from home, and may not pay much, but they’d allow you to start building some savings.

5 Online Jobs That Require Little or No Experience

No Experience? Start One of These Online Jobs

Best Data Entry Jobs From Home

10 (Legit) Data Entry Jobs from Home

Work At Home Data Entry on Indeed.com

FlexJobs

Glassdoor

Whatever you choose, creating a strong resume is always a good step. I’m giving you some resources on how to do that:

How to Create a Professional Resume

How To Make A Resume 101

Help Everyone Find A Job In Their Field

And between checking out all these options we gave you, please try to do some of this Workout For Daily Life, because focusing on a screen for too long can cause so many aches!

You’re not a loser, you’re strong and you keep fighting for yourself, which is admirable. I hope these resources can be of help, and please do send another ask if you need anything else.

Take care,

mod Bee

#ask MIM #seeking help #online jobs #online courses #agoraphobia #self harm #mod Bee #Anonymous

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waltdisneyconfessions · 6 years ago

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ASK A DISNEY MANAGER: QUESTIONS ANSWERED!

This is a repost because of accidental deletion. Awhile back you guys sent in questions for a Disney Manager, below are his responses! Thank you!

1. What is the worst experience/mistake you've ever made with a guest? What is the best experience you've had with a guest? I think my worst experience or moment was during my college program. I remember arriving at merge area at Peter Pan's Flight where Fastpass and standby guests merge into one line, and the Fastpass line was extremely long. I stepped in and tried my best to get the Fastpass line under control and I remember a few families in the standby line yelling obscenities at me. Once I began to let a few standby guests in, all I remember was five or six adults standing around me in a circle, screaming at me. I was so stressed that I tried to grab the attention of the person working to load guests onto the attraction, to ask if she would switch with me briefly because I thought I was going to break down and begin crying. Instead, I walked away from the merge area with no Cast Member there for a minute or two. I walked over to the person working in the load position, and said, "I'm really sorry, but I can't work in that position right now." We swapped positions until one of my managers could pull me aside to talk. I honestly thought I was going to get into trouble for walking away, but my manager was understanding and spent a few minutes with me to make sure I was okay.

2. As someone who was a Disney manager, would you openly recommend it as a job to anyone who would want to work at Disney?

Personally, I would recommended working for Disney!

As with any job, I would also encourage those interested in working at Disney to evaluate and make decisions about their own career path before immediately making the jump to work for the company. Do your homework! Determine exactly what you would like your career path to be, study and read up on the company culture, and be prepared to work hard.

Also remember that Disney is massive Fortune 500 company, operating domestically and internationally. If working for a large corporation isn’t your thing, I wouldn’t recommend Disney. Most often, moving up within the organization can take time because it is competitive.

3. how do they handle workers who don't speak English? at some point that must have happened right?

In many Guest facing roles, you are required to have a basic understanding of the English language, or be able to speak English to communicate with Guests. However, bilingual skills a great qualification that the company looks for in job candidates. If a Cast Member doesn’t possess strong verbal communication skills or basic English, he or she may work in a backstage role where guest contact is limited.

4. For the former manager: did you ever have a heart warming experience while working at Disney? Or was it all work and no spark? Many thanks for taking your time to answer questions ️

Actually, I have a few really heartwarming moments from my time at Disney, but one of my favorites moments involved me assisting with surprising a young guest with a tour the Cinderella Castle Suite whose favorite character was Cinderella. The highlight of the tour was seeing the expression on the guest’s face when she knocked on the door to the Suite and Cinderella opened it. I, along with her parents and a few other Cast Members involved, were on the verge of tears.

5. What's the snottiest, most entitled guest you've ever dealt with? And any recs for getting into the Disney College Program? Is there a chance to move up in the company into, say, the writing division in animation? Thank you so much <3

This is tough one for me because I can’t think of a specific story. That’s probably because the person acted so entitled that I wanted to completely erase them from my memory once they were gone. lol.

I will say that I’ve dealt with several Guests who have tried to essentially “pull rank” or highlight their social status by mentioning they were either lawyers or doctors when things weren’t going their way or they weren’t satisfied. I’ve also dealt with people who have tried to belittle me (and even other Cast) by assuming most of us didn’t graduate high school or attend college because we worked in a theme park. I’ll be honest, I often take words to heart, so there were moments at the end of the day when I questioned who I was and what I was doing with my life. I can’t describe the feeling I would get when I felt defeated because someone decided to belittle me…but… the good always outweighs the bad…seriously!

Even though Disney can be a competitive environment, yes, there are opportunities of moving up. I think using the College Program as your stepping stone is a great start! As for getting into the program, I would recommend opening yourself to as many roles as possible when you’re applying. I often hear that you chances are better if you don’t limit yourself to only one or two roles. These positions aren’t always going to be glamorous, but it’s what you make of it. If you are hoping to build a career at Disney, remind yourself that it has to start somewhere…and that somewhere may not be in the role you envisioned yourself. I recommend reading up on the roles available to DCP participants just to get an idea. Apply early! During the interview process think about how you respond to situational questions using your past experience. Be prepared to discuss your strengths and weaknesses, and have a few follow-up questions for after the interview. I could go on and on!! If you need more advice with the process, let me know and I would be glad to give you even more preparation tips.

Finally, as for landing a career within animation, I would recommend the path of doing a college program, to familiarize yourself with the Disney culture (be a strong and consistent performer during your DCP experience),and looking for an internship after that… Here’s a good link to check out: https://www.disneyanimation.com/careers/interns-apprentices#life-at-disney

6. can I just ask if there's something like special training on supporting Autistic Adults? Or just facilities in general? I'm saving to go to Florida next year for DisneyWorld but I'm very scared on how I may be treated if I start reacting badly to overstimulation :/

Cast Members complete training for assisting guests with specific needs, including autism, and how to assist guests requiring special assistance as part of the training process. When I worked in Guest Relations, I had to familiarize myself with the location of “break areas” throughout the parks which are helpful for individuals becoming over-stimulated. However, I think more Cast Members working in the park need to become more familiar with these locations.

Overall though I wouldn’t fear making the trip to WDW. I would recommend planning out your trip and studying up before taking your trip. Disney has some good planning resources including information for services for Guests with cognitive disabilities available on their website, and they also have a Guest with Disabilities department that can contact by phone or email before your visit.

7. how often did guests have asinine requests? like stupid things: "can you make the rain stop?"

Or… can we see Walt’s frozen corpse at the castle? lol. I’ve heard that one a couple of times. I also remember being asked by a father whose child wasn’t tall enough to ride an attraction, “what if I stuff my child’s shoes and come back later? Will you let him ride then?”

8. what are the best secrets that guests can access at the parks but few do? Also is the paintbrush on tom Sawyer island actually a thing? One last thing, what is the pay like? (Answer if you want, I know it’s not necessarily my place) I’ve always wanted to work there but I live in Ohio so I’m deciding whether it’s worth it to move. Thank you and you’re an amazing human being <3

I think some of the best secrets aren’t found within attractions or shows, but in some of the smallest details that Guests tend to overlook. For me, I enjoy the fact that the parks are full of small Easter eggs. For example, there is a telephone in the back of the Chapeau (the hat shop on Main Street) at Magic Kingdom. It looks like a simple prop hanging on the wall, but when you pick it up you can hear a funny “party line” conversation between two people. Or, if you’re ever in the lower level of the Main Street train station, you’ll hear a telegraph tapping out the Walt Disney’s opening day speech for Disneyland in Morse code.

I wouldn’t think of this as much of a secret, but one of my favorite Disney treats is a peanut butter & jelly milkshake from 50’s Prime Time Café. Many people think you have to dine there to order one, but if you stop by the Tune-In Lounge next door, you can order one to-go! If you’ve never had one though, you must!

Paintbrushes at Tom Sawyer Island did exist for quite some time, and it was a great scavenger hunt, especially for younger guests, but the Magical Moment was removed several years ago.

To answer your question about pay, I think it depends on your role. I think most people forget there are a wide variety of roles at Walt Disney World alone. I don’t know the exact current starting pay rates for guest-facing hourly positions, but the range is anywhere between $8 to just over $12 depending on the type of role.

And if that "you're an amazing human being comment was directed at me"... Thanks so much! I appreciate that! :)

9. I always loved Disney Quest, and we made one final trip when we heard it was closing. We had a blast, but the main attractions did look run down and out of date, and we constantly joked about the ps2 style graphics. It seemed like Disney sunk a lot of money into DQ for opening day and did little else to update it since. Do you have any info on why this was, or on what led to Disney Quest closing down? I feel like there was still a lot of potential there, especially with Disney's new properties

I think people have created their own theories behind the demise of DisneyQuest. DQ was a pretty ambitious project by a division of the company known at the time as Disney Regional Entertainment. The long term goal was to open DisneyQuest locations in several major cities throughout the country. DisneyQuest Chicago opened in 1998 and closed two years later. Groundbreaking for another location in Philadelphia started and was halted after the DisneyQuest concept didn’t sustain itself in Chicago, and there were a number of reasons thrown out for its failure…from the theme park admission price structure to enter, to the lack of return visits, and Disney simply misunderstanding the market which led to low attendance.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the exact “why” behind the closing of DQ at WDW. I think many will say that a lack of investment was the primary cause. I will agree there wasn’t much invested into DQ after the property transferred hands from Disney Regional Entertainment to WDW park operations. I think one of the biggest challenges for Disney was keeping up with the rapidly evolving technology trends to ensure that DisneyQuest stayed relevant, and the possibility of having update attractions within the building frequently to keep up. In the end, I think executives within Disney figured it would be wiser to invest its money into its largest attendance draw, its theme parks.

10. What was your best day and what was your worst day working? My worst day? Hmm...working in Guest Relations when it started raining during the last two hours of a Halloween Party. I remember the line for Guest Relations stretching across Town Square on Main Street...and there were lots of angry people. I wouldn't say it was the worst day, but it was definitely stressful. It's difficult to narrow it down to just one because I've quite a few memorable days. I think one of the best days involved the Cinderella Suite magical moment I was part of (mentioned in a previous question). 11. What was the weirdest complaint someone brought to Guest Relations?

A guest who was upset because he ended up getting wet while riding Splash Mountain. He tried his hardest to convince me there was nothing convincing him that he or his family would get wet on the ride, and that the rest of his day was ruined because his shirt was wet. Try listening to that with a straight face and concerned face…

12. if you had been high enough on the food chain to make larger changes to the park, what would be the most important thing you'd want to accomplish?

Hmm, interesting question. The first...BRING BACK THE ORIGINAL JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION attraction, with some slight updates.

Although it’s practically unrealistic, if there was one thing could change about WDW would be its size, and try removing some of the growing pains that have come as a result of the WDW sprawl. I often think that Walt Disney World expanded at a pretty rapid pace, and maybe much too quickly at times. After my first visit to Disneyland almost 15 years ago, I fell in love with the place. I felt like Guests had a personal connection to Disneyland, and that wasn’t something I had ever really noticed in Florida. As corny as it sounds, there is a certain charm about Disneyland and I think a lot of that not only has to do the fact that it was the only Disney park that Walt was involved in operationally, but it also has something to with the size and walkability of the resort.

13. How do you feel about the union negotiations? (From a current and scared part timer in the parks)

What has you scared? My feelings are rather mixed about the current negotiations. I’ll be honest and say that I do think pay increases are needed, and that Cast Members are generally held to a standard higher than any other individual working within similar positions in the industry. I’m just not completely certain if $15/hour is going to be the solution. I don’t think I’m best person to ask regarding facts and figures because I’m not an economist.

As an outsider looking in, I do think that the negotiations has had an impact on service levels within Disney’s parks and resorts. I think the union will continue leverage the belief that if the organization expects such high performance standards, then Cast Members need to be paid appropriately to reflect those expectations.

On the other side of the debate, I think it’s possible to see a future where Disney will eventually begin to heavily focus on marketing its attractions and experiences to continue to entice people to visit, remove those high expectations often place on hourly guest-facing roles, and treat the role of Cast Member as simply a “ride attendant” or “sales associate” rather than placing emphasis on the role of a Cast Member as something unique (hopefully, that makes sense and it doesn’t appear that I’m rambling).

One thing I will stand by is this… I recommend that Cast Members take time to develop their skill and not allow themselves to become complacent. Personally, I’ve witnessed a lot of that during my time with the company. I had moments when I felt that way about myself as well. I know that each person has a different story, and a different set of circumstances, but I would love to see more hourly Cast Members try to advantage of Disney’s education funding/reimbursement program. I’m not certain if the new higher education program benefits announced earlier this year are available to WDW hourly employees, but if so, I would encourage people to take advantage of it! Even if a person thinks they are not cut out for college, the new program covers vocational training which provides individuals with a better opportunity to develop their skills.

14. What was your favorite magical moment you gave and received? [see Cinderella Castle Suite response] 15. Do you know what kind if engineers Disney hires the most? I'm looking at electrical engineering for college but I'm not sure if that's a good approach if I want to work at Disneyworld or Disneyland.

I think electrical engineering is a good choice and you’ll definitely find a number of positions seeking individuals with backgrounds in that specialization. It’s tough to say which types of engineers the company hires the most of, but I think some of the most common consist of mechanical, electrical, systems engineering, and even audio/visual engineering.

As you make your decision, I would definitely pay a visit to disneycareers.com and do a job search for engineering. I think you’ll learn that there is a pretty diverse offering of engineering roles not only in Parks and Resorts, but companywide as well.

Mod Jen: I’m going to butt in here: I was close with many of the maintenance team at Disney and I know straight from them that electrical is much more lucrative than mechanical, because you’re at greater risk. You also get paid more.

16. If I want to become an imagineer at the parks, is there anything I can do to improve my chances of being hired as one?

Definitely ensure that you have a degree specialized in a field of engineering, art, or another creative field. If you are into design, it will be important that you start building a professional portfolio as well.

If you’re currently in college or a recent graduate, I would highly recommend looking into Professional Internships with Walt Disney Imagineering (WDI). I think the professional internship is a great way to “get your foot in the door” and understand the culture of Imagineering. I know a few people who have taken the internship route, worked hard, and were offered opportunities to continue their career with Imagineering after graduation. If you’ve been out of school for a while, I recommend looking for entry level positions within WDI, or take on a job with a design or engineering firm elsewhere so that you can develop some career experience. I know some Imagineers weren’t always Disney “fanatics” or knew much about the history of Disney prior to joining, but they’re experience and portfolio stood out as something Disney saw as creative or unique.

For designers, WDI hosts an annual design competition for college students and recent grads called “Imaginations” which gives winners the opportunity to be considered for internships.

17. Hi! I was wondering is there an age limit for DCP? I'd love to apply before I move out to CA for grad school. I'm 30. I also have multiple disabilities, mainly Cerebral Palsy. What jobs can be done from a power wheelchair? How accessible is Disneyland?

There is no age limit on the DCP. At one of my locations, I worked with someone who was 45 years old when she did her first program. As long as you’re enrolled full-time or part-time at a university, or a recent graduate. Utilizing a power wheelchair isn’t an issue at all, and there are a variety of positions you would be able to work within Disney’s parks and resorts. There will probably be some limits working in some roles though (such as some attractions) since those may require the ability to travel up or down stairs to access areas of the attraction when it’s needed.

Overall, I think Disney does an excellent job when it comes to accessibility within its parks. If you were to compare accessibility between the two parks in Anaheim, Disney’s California Adventure would probably win since it was built more recently with ADA accessibility in mind. Disneyland still does a great job with accessibility though, it’s just that many of the attractions may not have queues that are wheelchair accessible, so instead they use alternate entrances.

18. What are your guys' favourite Disney rides? Have you guys went to some of the other parks outside of the US?

My all-time favorite is The Haunted Mansion. I’ve always been obsessed about the early history and the development of the attraction. Laugh if you want, but It’s a Small World is another one of my favorites (I worked there during my college program). Spaceship Earth is another. I have yet to visit any of the Disney parks outside of the US. Tokyo Disneyland is on my list of must-sees!

19. How did you work up the ladder to manager? What position did you start in, how did you get that position, and what other positions did you have between then and manager?

I began my Disney career as a part-time attractions host at Space Mountain which lasted about two months before I transferred to a full-time attractions host role at DisneyQuest. It was during my time at DisneyQuest that I decided I wanted to become a Disney leader. Before stepping into an actual leadership position with Disney, you often have to take on the challenge of informal leadership positions, such as a trainer or coordinator. Six months after starting at DQ, I interviewed for an attractions trainer position and that became my first step to gaining some leadership experience.

During my time as a trainer, I began to communicate regularly with another manager who became my mentor, and he helped guide me through me through the process of strengthening my resume and interview skills. After spending a year at DisneyQuest, my mentor and the operations manager suggested that I transfer from DisneyQuest to an attraction at a park as a way of gaining more experience working at an attraction with a high guest capacity. I took their advice and transferred to Mission:Space at Epcot and became a trainer within six months of working there.

During this period, I was also given an amazing opportunity to join the Disney Traditions team as a Traditions Assistant facilitator. For those unfamiliar with Disney, Traditions is the new hire orientation that all company employees go through. This was a year-long, “once-in-your-Disney-career,” experience that I think helped open doors for me at WDW as well.

Almost two years after starting with Disney, I went through a process known at the time as Leadership Casting Call. This was the process WDW used to identify and develop a pool of talent to become Guest Service Managers for each line of business at Disney’s parks and resorts. After lots of networking, mock interview preparations, and finally, the actual interviews, I was selected to be part of the talent pool. My first temporary position as a manager took me back to DisneyQuest. This would also be the place where I would end up becoming a full-time manager about 8 months later.

20. Is Splash Mountain an awkward subject to discuss? Have people asked about what that ride is based off of, & if they do, were you allowed to tell them about Song of the South, or did you have to lie & say it's an original attraction just like Haunted Mansion or Jungle Cruise?

Honestly, I’ve never had to have an awkward conversation about Splash Mountain. I think majority of the population may not connect the attraction with the movie Song of the South.

21. What has been one or more of the craziest experiences/incidents you ever had working for Disney?

Splash Mountain probably led to some of my craziest and most interesting challenges ever. One of the craziest moments though was witnessing a ride vehicle at Splash Mountain nearly on the verge of sinking with Guests onboard because the log was taking on too much water. Everyone was okay, but they pretty much drenched from the waist down. The family was pretty understanding in the end and actually ended up being some of the nicest people I’d ever interacted with while working at Disney.

#ask #Disney manager #please reblog #long post

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