#my psychiatrist asked me yesterday if not having her is whats making things worse

[rise-my-angel]

hi mimi~ how are you? how is everything?? i hope life has been treating you kind and only good things have been blooming for you 🥹💜

I appreciate the kindness, its a little difficult it's my first holiday without my kitty in almost a decade. The only time I've spent a holiday without her since I was 8 was the one year I didn't come home from college on winter break since obviously pets weren't allowed in the dorms.

So its hard beacuse I love holiday season, I mean Ive jump started on gift wrapping and spent almost 2 hours christmas decorating my moms entire house last weekend, but then I come home and it's silent and I don't have her to share my enjoyment with. Even my yearly season long mission of getting her to keep a bow on her head long enough so I can take a pretty picture of her is something I already miss terribly.

But I'm trying to distract myself with writing. I have another Javier part of my little mininseries ready to be posted, and I'm a couple thousand words into my next Joel miniseries addition. Turns out I'm addicted to writing angst even though I very rarely can stomach reading long angst fics. I also might do another Marcus Moreno fic thats a Christmas themed one since he's a much more lighthearted character to write. I've officially written too many fics and I literally have a masterlist in my drafts just so I can keep track of them all.

I'm enjoying writing again a lot, posting on here is hard though I don't get a lot of feedback on my stuff and some I get absolutely none at all so it's really hard to gauge how much people actually are enjoying it. So its a battle to find any motivation to post my work thats the issue.

[zuzsenpai]

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

27.02.24

It's been a strange 3 weeks. It's like my admission never happened. I went back to work 6 days after being discharged and ever since I've been working, albeit less hours than before. Apart from a couple of staff, most haven't mentioned my time in hospital or even asked how I'm managing since being discharged. Everything seems to have gone back to how it was before. I'm not sure if that is a good, indifferent or bad thing.

Mood wise, things haven't changed much. I'm very low, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with nothing brings me enjoyment/ happiness and with that the guilt seeps in. I'm constantly exhausted, drained from the smallest of tasks to the point I've even considered wetting my bed as I don't have the energy to drag myself to the toilet. I constantly think of not being here, the potential impact on my loved ones and contemplating when to leave this world.

I spoke to my home team psychiatrist yesterday and asked her what she felt was going on with me. She didn't hesitate with her answer. Severe biological depression (and anorexia). It made complete sense but it didn't make me feel any better so she told me to "hold on". Only, I'm very tired of holding on. Will things ever get better?

Last week I had my assessment with the CMHT social worker. It lasted over an hour with usual questions; pre- determining factors (age of onset/ what was happening at the time etc), current symptomology like whether I experienced psychosis etc. The lady seemed kind and patient, but I felt sad and hopeless. I don't know what, if anything can help me at this point. She said she would discuss me in the MDT (yesterday) and give me a call but the psychiatrist there would probably like to see me again (the last time I saw her she sent off the paperwork to have me assessed under the mental health act so it's safe to say I'm wary.

From the people I've spoken to they've all agreed with me that a general psychiatric ward is majorly unhelpful for someone like me. The reasons are; I'm arguably high functioning, have insight to my illnesses and will revert back to restricting my intake to feel in control. Psych wards are loud, frightening and unpredictable. When I was in the psych ward a few weeks ago I withdrew, lost weight rapidly and came out worse rather than better. It's why I can't go back.

The question is what now?

[raincamp]

11 07 2023

sh mention trigger warning

my depression has been really bad recently. at least i think its depression? i mean im diagnosed with PDD but its hard to tell most of the time. since its persistent. i dont know what its like to not be depressed. and when it gets worse i never know if im just sick or dehydrated or if its a bad episode, or if its caused by any of my other mental issues.

last night sucked. i dont know how else to describe it except that i felt like the world was ending. not in an anxious panic-attack-y way though, i just like, felt so much emotion that my body physically couldn't handle it. like i felt intense dread, and i felt like i was going to throw up. actually maybe it was a panic attack. weirdest panic attack ive ever had if it was.

anyway during the episode i sat on the bathroom floor and turned on music. and cut myself. thats usually how i know I'm having an episode. its hard to tell otherwise because i invalidate my emotions so much, and with my emotional permanence, its like every emotion i feel is the only thing i ever felt, so i dont really have comparison, except when it comes to physical tangible things.

physical tangible things like laying on the cold tile listening to wild world by cat stevens and feeling tears run down my face and my throat hoarse and blood dripping down my arm to stain my floor.

after patching myself up i didnt really know what to do, i told myself i would get up and do something but the minute i layed down on my bed exhaustion overtook me.

so i texted my roommate asking for help. she was still at work but i asked her to "give me emotional support in whatever way she could handle offering it" and i also said "its completely valid if you dont have the emotional capacity for me"

i have a lot of fear of burdening other people, which is why i used to not ask for help, but in therapy i learned that its ok to ask for other people to meet our needs, and so on the rare occasion that i do i usually leave ample space for the other person to say no. i dont want to force them into anything.

when she got home from work she made me tea and let me talk to her for a whole hour. immediately i felt better and went to bed with no problems. i was even able to abstain from drinking and smoking before bed :) i dont fucking deserve her

anyway, i woke up today feeling the same as i did yesterday. exhausted, lethargic, apathetic. i want nothing more than to lose myself in hobbies i enjoy, or accomplish something, but I can't. i tried yesterday, i would get out of bed, get dressed, and prepare myself to be productive, but the moment i started a task exhaustion would come over me again and i would find myself back in bed.

i wish i could sleep, because it feels like thats what my body needs, but no matter how much i try, i cant. ive been making it a point to eat and stay hydrated, but thats not helping, so the only thing i can suppose it is, is depression.

i hate that i cant even distract myself. scrolling mindlessly on my phone is boring, watching tv or youtube is boring, listening to music is boring, reading fic is boring, i even tried hanging out with my other roommate for an hour and i couldn't do anything but lay there.

i tried setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist so i can go back on antidepressants but the website wont let me make an account or appointment with anyone because it keeps starting over/refreshing the account making process every ten minutes. and i dont have the patience to sit through that.

i hate feeling like this, but i really cant do anything but try to keep myself alive. right now.

- andrew

[back2badhabits]

03/30/2023

Y’all I’ve lost 3 pounds since my last entry woooooo. I’ve been able to keep under 800 every day this week. I haven’t even eaten anything today yet.

I had my first in-person therapy appt yesterday where I intended to break up w my therapist using the excuse that my psychiatrist said I need a psychologist but she got mad and uh it didn’t end up happening. I’m seeing her again Monday.

I told her abt all the food stuff and mentioned that I wasn’t rlly looking to change it. She said she wasn’t worried bc I wasn’t like deathly thin and when I mentioned my bmi she said it was “good”. When I talked abt how I purged a few days ago bc I didn’t like the feeling of being full, she was kinda like “ah yeah, I get it” lol?

She also just like. Does not comprehend so many things. She doesn’t think I’m psychotic or schizo despite that being why I’m on the meds I’m on, despite the delusions, despite the hallucinations. She just doesn’t understand a lot of Asian stuff and like will say things in just,,, not the nicest way. She got aggressive w me right after a long talk abt how react extremely negatively to any perception of aggression or anger. God. Idk what to do.

She thinks I wouldn’t qualify for hospitalization which is cool.

Oh, also, she thinks all this food issue stuff is more impulse mood-disorder issues than eating disorder issues which is. So cool. And I totally bet it’s because of my size ah hahah. Fuck.

Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever.

I have a massive beer in the fridge I want to find an excuse to drink but I also know that beer is like a shit ton of calories, ugh.

I wanna just keep fasting tbh but I know I can’t because I have to take my meds with food or it causes almost unbearable nausea. It’s so much easier to just fast and have nothing than it is to eat and restrict and try to make sure you don’t overeat.

I’m so tired dude.

03/31/2023

12:18 am

I just got off the phone with O a little while ago. I asked them and C to video call me while I cooked bc I was scared I might leave the stove on again or something, and I wanted to take my pill early since I have to be up early tomorrow for a passport photo appointment.

Yeah, so much for that.

I ended up throwing up after eating because I was so nauseous. I had about 615 calories before I did. I threw up about 1/4-1/3 of it so today’s cals are really like 489.

O found out and then asked how much I’d had all day. I told them what the number was before throwing up and they got super freaked out and yelled at wouldn’t let me finish my sentences and I cried and I just want to die. I used to think of such wonderful and fun and beautiful times whenever I thought of them but now I can’t look at them or think about them without hearing what they sound like yelling. I hate it. I bet now when they think of me, they only think of horrible things too.

I don’t know if I want to go back. When people yell here at least, I can go sit in my room and close the door and be with my stuff and drink to cope if I want. I can’t do that there.

I don’t feel safe with anyone anymore.

I’m so worried about C too. I gave them weight concern issues when I was there and they started restricting their eating and O keeps talking about my issues and my calories and stuff with them and I know that that must be all kinds of triggering but even when I say they shouldn’t and even when I try to imply it’s not something to discuss in front of them, they don’t listen. I don’t know what to do because O will be upset if I don’t tell them things but I don’t want to keep risking triggering C worse since this just becomes an inescapable lifelong thing.

Fuck everything dude, I want a coma.

[the-lonelybarricade]

I totally stole this from one of those writing prompt blogs, but can you do Rhys and Feyre going to couples therapy together as a joke when they only just met?

Okay my love, I literally just finished writing this and haven't actually proofread it. It was meant to be silly and jokey but ended up being a bit more serious than I intended, but I'm a sucker for fake dating tropes so maybe I'll continue their story at some point. Anyway here's a modern Feyre and Rhys going to couples thereapy together (whilst not actually being a couple):

Feyre was absolutely determined to prove Nesta wrong. Usually her sister’s grating comments didn’t penetrate Feyre’s hardened demeanor at home, but something about their stint yesterday had thoroughly gotten under her skin. Nesta had a talent when it came to barbed words, so it was the casualness with which she’d said Feyre was boring and predictable that had kept the words ringing between Feyre’s ears. They lacked the usual bite and venom that was characteristic of Nesta, and somehow that made them impossibly worse.

Was Feyre a creature of habit? Sure. But she had always been content with her quiet, unassuming life. They’d grown up poor, with little luxury, and as a little girl Feyre had always believed all she’d need to be happy was paint supplies and enough time to get lost in a blank canvas. Feyre had that now, and she was happy. She spent almost every day in her studio, a paintbrush in one hand and a coffee mug in the other. And that was fine. She may not spend a lot of time with other people, but that was fine.

Routine is fine. Being focused on your career is fine. So why did the implication that her life is stagnant rile her up so much?

Feyre couldn’t articulate what, exactly, had bothered her so much, since she was perfectly happy with the current state of her life. Yet the next morning she’d woken up, vowing to take a day off and spend the whole day being entirely unpredictable.

She was going to pull a Jim Carrey in Yes Man. She was going to seize this damn day. And any voice in her mind that pleaded her to stick to her comfort zone was going to be diligently ignored.

When she set out to get her morning coffee, she ducked into the first cafe she came across without checking the reviews. And instead of ordering her usual chai latte, she asked the cashier to make her their favorite drink. She sat at a booth and sipped it experimentally. It was sweet and tasted of caramel; she decided she quite liked it. So far so good.

She sat wondering what brave venture she should do next, something that would be worthy of telling people about. Something so brash and crazy and unexpected Nesta would eat her stupid, truthful words.

“Mind if I take this seat?”

The voice was like smooth velvet. Feyre glanced up to meet a pair of eyes that were such a deep, peculiar shade of blue they almost looked violet. She was momentarily stunned speechless, which caused the impossibly handsome stranger to lift one of his perfectly groomed brows in question.

“Of course,” Feyre answered, her mouth feeling a bit dry. She quickly took a sip of her coffee to quell this strong reaction her body was having to this man.

She’d been expecting him to take the chair to sit elsewhere, but he slid into the chair at her table, directly across from her. Feyre spared a cursory glance around the cafe. Customers milled about, but there were plenty of empty seats strewn here and there. It was far from necessary to share a table with a stranger.

Her interest piqued, Feyre turned her attention back to this strange, alluring man.

“I’m Feyre,” she said, sounding much more confident than she felt. But today was about branching out of her comfort zone. Making the first move with an attractive man certainly qualified.

“Rhysand,” he answered with a charming grin, extending his hand into the space between them. Feyre accepted it with a mirrored smile, for a moment marvelling at the way his hand completely enveloped hers.

Feyre cleared her throat. “So tell me, Rhysand, what brings you to this table in particular?”

The way he wrinkled his nose was unfairly endearing. “Call me Rhys,” he said. “I only really use Rhysand in a business setting. And I chose this table in particular, because I saw a beautiful woman sitting here and was feeling especially forward.”

Feyre laughed in surprise. “Forward, indeed. Well, Rhys, I have spectacular news for you.”

“And what’s that, Feyre darling?” the suggestive tone to his voice sent shivers down her spine and instantly those warning bells in her mind were blaring. This man was too handsome and he was a complete stranger.

“I’ve decided to do something completely stupid and spontaneous today, and you’re officially invited to join me.”

Rhysand grinned, his eyes flickering with mischief at her proposal. She supposed that should be concerning, too, but she felt her pulse quicken. “And what stupid, spontaenous thing will we be doing, darling?”

Feyre leaned back, trying to regain composure by taking a too casual sip of her coffee. “I haven’t decided yet. I’m open to ideas.”

Across the cafe, a man stood up so quickly his chair tipped over with a loud thunk. Rhys and Feyre both whirled their heads at the commotion.

“This is why we need to go to therapy together!” the woman across from him screeched. “You can’t control your stupid temper!”

“I don’t have time for this shit,” he growled. “I’m not going to sit there for an hour so you can manipulate some dumb bitch into agreeing with you!”

“It’s not about sides,” she groaned. “I want to work through this with you!”

Feyre felt a tug of sympathy at the desperation in the woman’s voice. She could feel her pain and frustration second-hand, having been in similar shoes herself.

“Fuck this,” the man grumbled, storming for the door.

The woman followed after him. “Our appointment is in 10 minutes! Please, let’s just try it.”

The door swung shut behind them. Feyre watched the couple continue their walking argument down the city pavement, gesturing wildly with their hands.

Feyre sighed. “Man, that poor woman. It sounded like she really wanted to work things out.”

“That guy sounded like an absolute ass, maybe it’s for the best,” Rhys said. Then, his eyes lit up and he turned to Feyre with a slow, conspiring grin. “It does give me an idea, though.”

“What’s that?” Feyre felt a bit intimidated by the roguish expression on his face, even if it did make her feel breathless.

“Well, I do happen to know there’s a psychiatrist's office right above this cafe. If I had to guess, that’s where our friends were going to have their first session. And from the looks of it,” he nodded towards the couple, who were now striding in opposite directions through the city, faces flushed with anger, “they won’t be attending.”

“And your point is…?”

“Let’s go in their stead. Make a game of it. First person to break character loses.”

“And what does the winner get?”

“Well, if I win, then I get to take you to dinner.”

Feyre considered for a moment. Dinner with a handsome man certainly didn’t sound like losing to her. “If I win, then I get to use you as a model.”

“You’re a photographer?” His brows rose in interest and Feyre summoned all her will power not to blush. Since when was she bashful about her career?

“Painter.”

Rhysand grinned. “If you win, you can use my body anyway you wish, Feyre darling. Nude would be best.”

And that was how Feyre had ended up in Dr. Suriel’s office, Rhys by her side on the sofa. It was perhaps the most adventurous thing she’d ever agreed to.

“So, Mr and Mrs Mandray. Apologies, I didn’t get your names on the forms.”

“I’m Feyre, this is my husband Rhys,” Feyre answered, thinking it lucky they didn’t have to guess at the mysterious couple’s forenames.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Feyre and Rhys. What brings you to my office today?”

Rhys immediately slipped into his role of the concerned husband. He placed his arm around Feyre’s shoulders and tugged her close. Rhys opened his mouth, then shut it, glancing at Feyre hesitantly.

“My wife and I have been getting into a lot of… disagreement lately,” Rhys answered carefully, and already Feyre thought this was going much better than it would have if the actual Mr Mandray had turned up.

“My husband,” Feyre said flatly, channeling her inner Nesta to put venom into the word. “Is insisting on painting our house purple.”

“I see,” Dr. Suriel says, assessing the displeasure on Feyre’s face. “And I’m assuming you want to paint the house a different color.”

Feyre pressed her lips into a thin line. “See, that’s just the problem,” she said, crossing her arms. “That’s exactly the color I would want to paint our house.”

Dr. Suriel frowned. “So you do want the house to be painted purple, as does your husband. Am I understanding that correctly?”

“No,” Feyre sighed. “He wants to paint the house blue, but is insisting we paint it purple, because he knows it’s what I want. This bastard refuses to be anything but accommodating.”

“We’re going to try to refrain from name-calling in my office,” Dr Suriel said calmly. “So, Feyre, you are clearly unhappy that Rhys wants to paint the house purple. What color would you paint it?”

“Blue,” she answered. “I know it’s what he secretly wants to paint it.”

“She doesn’t see the hypocrisy in what she's saying!” Rhys complained. Then, he turned to Feyre, looking impossibly serious. “Darling, I know you want to paint the house purple, and I already told you I’m fine with it.”

Feyre groaned. “I don’t want to paint the house purple! I want to paint it blue.”

“You’re only saying that because you think I want to paint the house blue.”

“Do you?”

Rhys hesitated. “No.”

“Don’t lie in front of our therapist,” Feyre said with narrowed eyes. “We promised to tell the truth while we’re here.”

“Then you tell me the truth, Feyre. Do you genuinely want the house to be painted blue?”

Now it was Feyre’s turn to hesitate. She could see the corner of Rhysand’s mouth twitch as she did so. “No. I mean yes! I do!”

“It sounds like at the heart of this argument, you are both ultimately concerned in pleasing the other person, is that fair to say?”

Feyre and Rhys glanced at each other, then nodded in agreement.

“Do you think there’s a color you could both compromise on, so that you don’t feel as if your partner is the only one making a sacrifice in this decision?”

Feyre met Rhysand’s brilliant violet eyes. In truth, she’d blurted the color purple because she’d been thinking about the color of his eyes. She'd never seen eyes that color, and they were wonderfully vivid. Feyre was lost thinking of painting a world in a monocrhome of violet, like a city that lived within his gaze.

Feyre realized she’d been momentarily swept away, snapped out of it by the humor that washed behind those starry irises. She blinked back the haze and tried to think of an answer to the question.

“Mustard yellow?” she proposed.

Rhys pursed his lips in mock consideration. “Mustard yellow,” he agreed with an emphatic nod of approval.

Dr. Suriel blinked in surprise. “All right, well I’m pleased we could solve that issue. Is there anything else you’ve been arguing about?”

“Yeah, actually. My wife,” Rhys gave Feyre a pointed glance. Somehow, despite being strangers, hearing Rhys refer to her as his wife sent waves of pleasure jolting through her. She felt her stomach flip on itself. “Isn’t satisfied with our sex life.”

Feyre instantly flushed at such an accusation, however fabricated.

“Is this true, Feyre?” Dr. Suriel turned her eyes towards Feyre and she shifted uncomfortably at having to make up stories about her sex life with Rhys. Making Feyre imagine rolling in a bed with him was certainly his goal, and she’d lie to say it wasn’t affecting her. Rhysand looked absolutely delighted to have made her squirm. Fine. Two could play at his game.

“Y-yes, well,” Feyre stuttered, the burning in her cheeks condemning. “I keep telling Rhys that 16 orgasms in a session is excessive. He’s much too generous a lover and he never lets me give as good as I get.”

Feyre felt satisfied with the way Rhysand’s face went crimson.

Dr. Suriel’s brows rose. “This seems to be a common theme in your marriage. Rhysand, would you say that you’re often prioritising Feyre’s desires over your own?”

“I think Feyre sorely underestimates how much pleasure I take from satisfying her desires,” he answered, his eyes flicking to Feyre with enough of a sensual promise that her heartbeat turned staccato.

“Rhys, it sounds as though your generosity is part of the way you express your love, is that safe to say?” Rhys nodded. “And Feyre, it seems as if you have trouble accepting your husband's generosity, both in and outside the bedroom. Do you feel that’s a fair statement?”

“I-I suppose so.”

“Sometimes people have trouble accepting their loved one’s generosity when they feel like they aren’t giving something in exchange. It can be hard to accept that kind of love when we don’t feel like we deserve it. Do you feel like this could apply to your situation?”

Feyre blinked. This was meant to be a gag, something daring and experimental. She hadn’t expected to be psychoanalyzed by Dr. Suriel, or at least for her analysis to hit so close to home.

Rhysand shifted forward on the sofa. “Is this true, darling?” he asked, sounding concerned. He took Feyre’s hands in his own, brushing his thumb along her skin as he met her gaze. “I think you deserve the world.”

She would almost think he was being genuine if she hadn’t met him only an hour ago. Feyre marked the conviction on his face, those burning pools of earnesty in his eyes, and marveled at what an incredible actor he was.

Somehow she ended up blurting part of the truth. “My family life growing up was kind of tough and I’ve never really known what unconditional love was like. I think a part of me still believes it's something I have to earn.”

“That sounds like it must have been very hard, Feyre. But it sounds like Rhys loves you very much, and that this is an issue the two of you can overcome together. When you feel the instinct to reject his generosity, try to remember where that message is coming from. And Rhysand, try to keep in mind that this is something your wife is still working through, and be patient if she feels more comfortable giving you something in exchange. This is her way of expressing love, too. At the core of your issues is both of you thinking about the other person, try to remember this when a breakdown in communication occurs.”

Somehow they’d lost control of their therapy session and were receiving actual therapy, which wasn’t part of the plan at all. But somehow, despite not actually being married to Rhysand, what Dr. Suriel said was reassuring.

Feyre turned to Rhys and smiled. “I think I understand better, now. You’re free to give me as many orgasms as you want, honey.”

Rhys grinned fiendishly. “And I’ll let you reciprocate in whatever way you feel comfortable, darling.”

Dr. Suriel clasped her hands together in approval. “Excellent. I think so long as the two of you take measures to accurately communicate your needs, you’ll find these breakdowns will occur less frequently. And that’s it for our time today, but I am happy to have the two of you back any time.”

Feyre walked out of the session hand-in-hand with Rhys, feeling a bit dazed. It had certainly gotten more serious than she’d expected, but perhaps her judgement had been misplaced in thinking therapy could be anything other than serious, no matter how joking the complaints.

“Well, that was certainly stimulating,” Rhys quipped once they’d left the office.

“And it seems we’re at a draw, considering neither of us broke character.”

“You do play my wife convincingly well,” Rhys practically purred, “perhaps I’ll let you take up the real role, if you feel so inclined.”

Feyre laughed. “I’m expecting a few other offers to come through. Give me a few days to look over the applicants, then I’ll get back to you.”

“Okay, well how’s this. I’ll give you my number, you can wait until all those applicants come back to you, and once you’ve decided that I’m clearly the obvious choice, you can call me.”

Feyre smiled as she pulled out her phone and handed it to him to insert his number. “You do make a very convincing husband. Perhaps I can hire you for weddings and Thanksgiving dinners?”

“Real husband, fake husband, a partner to do spontaneous, outrageous things with. You call me, and I’ll be whatever you want me to be, Feyre.”

It was perhaps the strangest and most generous offer she’d ever been given. When they parted ways, Feyre thought that she’d certainly filled her quota for an interesting story to tell. And maybe, most likely, she’d be calling that number very soon.

[compassionatereminders]

hi hi !! is it alright if i vent ? TT i’m quite exhausted keeping this to myself,, and i don’t want to tell my friends because i don’t want to be a burden to them,, thank you !!

last week, i went to a psychiatrist because i haven’t been feeling well. i have trouble focusing, i’m more forgetful than usual, and my sleep schedule is a mess. i wanted to get help because it’s affecting my studies and daily life. i suspected i had adhd bc i identified with the symptoms,, so i talked to the psychiatrist about that,, but while i was answering her questions i realized the problem was with my mother,, that i’ve been scared and anxious about her. i didn’t answer questions about her truthfully and only said half-truths because i was in denial about my mother,, and i felt like i was betraying her by labeling her as the cause of my problems.

after the session i wasn’t diagnosed with anything but they gave me a prescription for melatonin to help me sleep. after the session my mom called to ask about what happened in the session. she was very furious and mad. she said that i was just making all this in my head, and i was just doing it for attention. she didn’t buy me the melatonin but instead bought food for me “to stop being overdramatic”. after that day i began feeling very very scared and anxious. everytime she talks to me or when i hear her voice my heart starts palpitating, everytime i see her my chest tightens, everytime i’m in her presence i have trouble breathing and i feel like i’m choking. at first i tried to fight it,, tried my best to be affectionate and be back to normal,, but i couldn’t do it. whenever i tried to i felt like something bad was gonna happen and i felt like i was going to have a panic attack. so i locked myself in my room and spoke less. i didn’t want to cause more trouble by spontaneously having a panic attack. i feel guilty. i feel guilty and ashamed for feeling this way about my mother. she’s a single mom who’s working hard to take care of me and my brother, and she’s trying to be strong despite her toxic and unsupportive family. but at the same time i knew it was bound to happen. whenever i cry and tell her what’s bothering me she always says that i’m being overdramatic and that everyone has problems. she never was there to comfort me, instead she was the one to made me feel worse about myself. that whatever i’m feeling is not real. yesterday morning she finally got fed up with me locking myself up in my room and being quiet and she yelled and screamed at me, again saying that i’m being overdramatic. that i’m making things harder for her. after she went to work i had wave after wave of anxiety attacks. she came home crying, because she was upset over the whole situation. and now we aren’t talking.

i don’t know what’s going on anymore. i can’t tell if i’m right or wrong in the situation. or am i fabricating what i feel for attention. it’s so blurry that i can’t tell the lines anymore and it’s giving me a headache. but i’m not faking it, right? i wouldn’t give her more problems, i don’t want her to feel more burdened. i love her so so much. maybe i was wrong. maybe it was selfish of me to ask for help from a psychiatrist because it would make her feel like she wasn’t enough as a mother.

i want to go to her and apologize, but i’m scared that i might have another panic attack. i don’t know what to do,, what do you think i should do ?

i’m sorry for this being so long T^T and for trauma-dumping. but i saw how comforting and understanding u were to peoples’ concerns and i wanted that too,,, thank you so much for reading this until the end TT you are an angel,, truly. i hope you have a nice day and all your meals are delicious !! <33

- 🐧

If you were faking your problems you'd know. Faking requires active intent and effort, so if you were actually faking all of this you'd be fully aware of it. Instead, it sounds like your mom is attacking and invalidating you to the point of emotional abuse - and I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with that on top of everything else. It is very likely that your mom's behavior towards you has triggered or worsened your mental health issues - and I encourage you to keep seeking out treatment even though she disapproves and to be honest with your psych about what's going on at home. Not being able to deal with emotional abuse doesn't make you a bad child - and no matter what your mom has been through in the past, it doesn't justify hurting you.

[wolfish-trickster]

Personal rant about toxic friend below the cut i just feel the need to talk it out

So for context in my class there was this lying bitch. She lied all the time about everything. I kept being her friend because i had no other choice, besides her i used to have no one. But then i got friends, more than i ever had.

So I started ignoring the liar and kept being 'her friend' only because she was trying to squeeze herself in my group of friends and replace me and I wouldn't let her do it.

The most infuriating thing about her is that she kept lying about her health so she could avoid exams at school. Some examples: claiming to have teared stomach wall but eating solid food and moving on pe as ifnothing happeden, claiming to going getting infusions in her arm and having bruises from that but not a single bruise being on her arm (plus she could fold them perfectly fine without any pain, imagine just pulling a needle from your vein and folding that arm, it will hurt like hell), claiming to have frequent migraines (when i, who has them diagnosed, asked her how her migraines usually go she never once described a migraine symptom, only ordinary headache), and lots more including mental health (like telling a girl who is on antidepressants and has to visit psychiatrist once a week that she swallowed some pills and had to go to hospital multiple times and when the girl asked her why she didn't get sent to psychiatrist (something they usually do to people who try to off themself) she just said that she got better and didn't need one, which is a lie, whenever someone tries to game end themself they are always sent to a psychiatrist, no matter what). All of her 'health problems' she contradicts all the time. Teared stomach wall but no problem eating solid food and being on pe, bruised hands from infusions and yet not a bruise in sight and perfect mobility in both hands, suffers with migraines but couldn't describe a single symptom of one, claims to pass out frequently and that's why she needs to leave school sooner but being completely fine risking passing out on her way out of school, etc

Plus she copies, a lot. She said her biggest hobby is drawing but she has always talked about how she writes poems and all of a sudden when i get attention for my drawings she claims to draw as well, even though i've never seen her hold a pencil and doodle, never.

She also belittles my friend in various occasions. She thinks she is smarter than her so she proceeds to explain the most trivial things to her as if she (the friend) was a child, always acting as if she's better than her, smarter than her, knows better than her etc even tho my friend has better grades than her and understand the stuff better than her.

She also copies a lot more other people who got fed up with it and argued with her. Yesterday I joined that group of people.

Yesterday we had two exams. The liar, as always, didn't come. So we assumed she's 'sick' again. But right before the penultimate class of that day I checked instagram and saw her story. She was shopping. I was furious. In pure annoyance with her ongoing antics i messaged her asking about her problems and telling her to not lie anymore and just tell the truth. If she said 'I knew nothing so I skipped school' I would be completely okay with that, but she kept getting tangled in her lies moreand more.

I was making valid points in our conversation, pointing out every plot hole in her lies that i kept track of over the year, and then she pulles out the mental health card, even though I never even mentioned anything with that. And she pulls out her dead father as well, even though i never mentioned him either. Right after she kept pulling these 'pity me, i have worse life than you do' cards I blocked her. There wasnopoint in trying to make her tell the truth at least once in her life.

So that's how I cut off a very toxic person in my life, she has been in it for three years, for three years I've been fed with her lies. For three years she has been draining me of my energy, touching me when I said to not touch me, not letting me when I told her, pulling my sketchbook from my hands without permision, taking my food without asking, calling me nickname i specificly told her to not use (only my parents use that nickname and she knew that).

I'm so relieved she hates me now. She is going to avoid me. I'll be free from her. I feel a little sad too, she has been in my life for three years and I considered her my best friend. I will miss that best friend, but I will never miss the person she turned into. I'm happier now.

[amberwild420]

one step back, two steps forward (pt.4)

masterlist

Not all heroes wear capes

Kaylan stood tall on the roof of the building. The spotted heroin was having trouble keeping herself safe.

 For the love of God please work!

 Closing her eye she took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, her yellow green eyes glowed and she swung her rope lasso and threw it towards ladybug. The loop secured at ladybug’s waist that made the said hero startle. With a strong tug Kaylan pulled the hero upward before she started falling down right in her arms. (here)

**************************************************************************************

Her mind was exploding with worst case scenarios like a bullet train. The feeling of rope and the strong pull made her believe that she was going to be out of commotion just like that. But the moment she landed in someone’s arms, she was startled to see her savior.

 For as long as Marinette can remember, she never got fascinated by some glowing eyes. And she never voiced that. Not once in the future.

*******************************************************************************************

The beeping from the earrings startled them both. Ladybug looked around.

Thank you for your help but I need to recharge.

 Ladybug kept looking for any place to hide. With a wave Kaylan made a blue colored cube. The shocked face didn’t go unnoticed by her but she ignored it.

 It’s my magic. I made sure no one can’t either see or hear you.

Huh?

 The spotted heroin who looked baffled at the sudden reveal couldn’t process what was actually happening. Rolling her eyes Kaylan pushed the other girl to the cube.

 Tsk! get inside.

 Once she was safe inside, Kaylan turned to observe the situation. From what she gathered from Marinette’s general information and her own research she just needed to find the thing that has the magical butterfly in it.

While the whole situation looked abstruse, she knew as a magic user herself, it was possible to defy logic rather easily and the living proof was rather in front of her.

 Since I saw many victim with the mind control ability the minions are nothing but an obstacle. Considering that they can turn the other like themselves it would be best if they could be separated from the main boss.

 Miss?

With the speed of lightening, the knife was at speaker’s neck. Ladybug looked frightened for a moment but it was gone. With a sigh she put the knife away.

 I believe that you are Ladybug.

 And you are new in Paris.

 And how do you know that?

Considering I know almost everyone in the city and I don’t think that there would be someone with such abilities here. It kind of give away.

 Kaylan looked away from the heroin and looked at the crowd that gathered at the base of the building trying to climb up.

 Your partner is incompetent.

 *sigh* I know.

 I have a few plans that can help you but it involved me in a dangerous situation.

 A surprise gasp left her lips as ladybug looked at the other girl astonished.

  I can’t put the life of a civilian in danger.

 Well too late for now.

 Huh?

Looking at what she was pointing at, ladybug felt a little nauseous. There wasn’t a single civilian in sight that was not affected by the akuma.

 Give me a few sample plans and I will tell you your role.

 The words forced themselves out of her mouth but she didn’t seem to care. There was a hint of frustration and helplessness hidden by the sheer determination in her eyes. A smirk made its way towards her face making the spotted heroin regret her words by a long shot.

Sure!

*******************************************************************************************

This is so nauseating. Do they eat brain? Do you think they die if we crush their heads?

 A high pitched excited voice pierce through the crowd and every minion looked at the general direction. The shadow of two people behind a wall could be seen.

 Would you shut up? Your glass shattering voice is making me deaf.

 Excuse me?!

Geez you’re scaring the akuma with that voice. I think they are bleeding from their ears. Screechy voice!

 My voice is not screechy! Everyone knows it. Just because they are weak and pathetic and can’t bear a little loud voice doesn’t mean I’m the one to blame. God forbade, that akuma just couldn’t get any other ability from Hawkmoth……….like seriously! Zombies! So third class! And there are so many akumas that had minions. Like no originality! Don’t they have copyrights!

 A tick mark appeared on the akuma’s head.

Get them whoever they are swarm them and break them apart. How dare they say that I’m weak? I’m the strongest akuma yet. Get them! Get them! Get them!

 In no time the minions ran towards the two people leaving the main akuma all alone.

 I can’t believe her plan actually worked.

The spotted heroin called from behind before dodging the beam and knocking the weapon from plague doctor’s hand and tying her from her other yoyo. The main yoyo broke the akuma item and captured and purify the butterfly.

 Bye bye little butterfly.

 After a miraculous ladybug, the spotted heroin comforted the victim. Kaylan jogged towards the pair and extended a card towards the victim.

 My mother is a psychiatrist. You can schedule a time with her and go for a therapy. I’m sure it will do well if you don’t have to bottle up all emotions.

 The nurse gave a strained smile and left promising that she will schedule the session so something like this never happens.

 Milady!

The sing song voice of the leather clad hero made the other one flinch. Chat noir came smiling like a Cheshire cat.

 Chat noir! One again you came late and got hit instead of listening to my plan. You need to take this seriously!

 But I always take you seriously.

 Ladybug felt like giving a hard slap to his face. He didn’t listen to a single word she said and just spoke of his fantasy. It was nice listen to these when he was a good hero. It helps when the stress got into her but now it is just plain irritating.

 Chat noir you need to be a serious hero!

I am a good hero! I always save you like a knight in shiny leather.

 Th-that’s not what I mean!

 The one sided argument was enough to bring a headache. With a big sigh she pushed chat noir away from ladybug making him tumble down on the ground. It was lucky that there weren’t people around yet but the time was limited.

 Ladybug you should leave. You need rest anyway.

 Ladybug sighed in relief and left quickly. Kaylan turned to the cat themed hero with a fierce glare making the said hero flinch. Grabbing him by the collar, she pulled him up to her level.

I’ll say it just once, you better stop making her do all the work you dumb, lazy cat or so god help me I’ll be the one you will have to worry about.

  You can’t say anything to me. You’re just a new girl who came here yesterday. Ladybug and I are destined to be together.

 Chat noir yelled while struggling to get away from her. For a girl she was strong, far stronger than he is and he was the one with the miraculous, he should have more strength than a normal girl.

 If you think that you can get out, well you thought wrong.

She shook him violently before shoving him to the wall, rather violently.

  I hate people who think they are heroes and deserve the best. You are one of those heroes. Acting all high and mighty and calling himself a hero while you do nothing to live up to that claim and ladybug had to do all the work.

  You……… how dare you………….

 The anger didn’t last a second when Kaylan slammed a knife right next to his cheek. Now it was sticking right there on the wall.

How dare I? How. Dare. You? You think that the world revolves around you and they owe you a favor. Or worse. Ladybug owe you something. I might be new to all this but I can assure you a single piece of magical artifact can’t decide your destiny. So ladybug don’t owe you her love. GET. THAT. THROUGH. YOUR. THICK. SKULL.

 Chat noir didn’t move a bit. He had been scolded before but as Adrien not as chat noir. And this girl, she not only dare to scold him but she is also disrupting the peace of his class. She even sits next to Marinette.

 Marinette.

 This girl is dangerous, he need to warn Marinette or Marinette will be trouble.

During his inner turmoil, he didn’t notice her taking out her knife or leaving. When he did came to his senses she was turning a corner. He wanted to follow her but his miraculous started beeping.

 “Guess I’ll have to warn Marinette tomorrow.”

***************************************************************************************

Stepping down to the stairs after classes was dismissed, Kaylan found herself being hugged by her mother. She was asking question at a rapid speed. Some relevant and some irrelevant. Well not like it mattered. Her mother was safe anyway.

  In a distance she saw Marinette looking at her. When their eyes met, she send her an apologetic smile before waving her and leaving towards the bakery.

 Guess I’ll be asking her tomorrow.

   Life was great. Even with hilariously dangerous situation.

previous

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(Fiction fact: 

Kaylan has magic. 

she can make solid structure. 

she didn’t said any type of incantation like Zatanna or Constantine. it makes her a different type of mage or maybe a superior one. 

Kaylan do not use magic much, instead she uses her knife, especially for threatening. ladybug was an exception.

the two shadows were illusion that she made and manipulated the emotions of the akuma to separate the minions and the main akuma.

 Ladybug is the only one that can be seen in the head to head fight. 

lucky charm of this akuma was yoyo)

[bsbloglife]

Sept 8th, 2021 - 22nd anniversary of my brother’s death

So today marks 22 years that my baby brother, my only sibling, passed away. His death was very traumatic for me. As the older sibling I always thought it was my duty to protect my younger sibling, his death meant that I failed. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, and I were to be married 9 months later. I was going to cancel my wedding, but my mother told me that my brother would not have wanted that. There’s so many things I can’t remember from that day, yet it seems like yesterday that it happened. A part of me died that day. In fact, a part of my soul was ripped out of me, and I’ll never be the same.

I do remember that my life stopped for 6 months. I quit school. I was attending McGill University and I was to graduate the next semester. That didn’t happen. I cried every single day. I kept wanting to believe that he was going to walk through the front door, but that never happened. I didn’t want to accept his death. I refused to for 6 months. It was when I finally accepted that he was never going to walk through the front door, that he was never coming back, was when I was able to move on with my life. I had to accept that his death was real. I had to accept that he was never coming back. I begged God to take my life instead. I would have traded my life for his, because the pain I felt was so unbearable that I didn’t want to live anymore. Once I truly accepted it, when I truly accepted his death as real, I was able to live again. I went back to school and finished my last year. I knew that I would be the only child my parents had that would graduate from university, something that was very important to them. I hated engineering so much, but I went back and finished for them.

After he died I kept thinking back to when we were kids and how I had treated him badly many times. Exerting my older sister power and bullying him. I remember when I was 8 and he was 4, that I had my bike next to a sunflower that had a bee flying around it. I didn’t want to get my bike because I was scared of being stung by that bee. So instead I asked him to get it for me and he did. He got my bike for me. He never knew the bee was flying around that sunflower, but I did. I put him in harms way. Can you believe that I have guilt from that? There are so many other stupid little things I did, that I can’t forgive myself for. So many things in my mind, still to this day. Mostly it’s guilt from the fact that I couldn’t save him. I should have been able to save my little brother.

I will never talk about his death to anyone, because the pain is too much for me to bear. I’m not yet ready to discuss the details, but I do have the strength to bring up his death. At least I can let it out in my own way. I believe this is what has saved me from antidepressants and seeing therapists/psychiatrists.

My brother’s name was Godfrey Joseph Serafini, born January 28, 1976, died September 8th, 1999.

I’m not afraid to die, because I know that in death I will see him again. I hope he knew that I loved him very much, even though I didn’t tell him the very last time I saw him. With everything going on with my parents right now, his death makes everything a whole lot worse for me, because I have no one to share my pain with.

I called my parents today to check on them, I knew this day was especially hard for my mother. He was her baby. Now with the house being rebuilt she’s not able to go to his bedroom, to see his pictures, and to sit in the same chair he used to sit in. When she answered the phone in their hotel room I could tell that she had been crying. She told me that she showed my father the one picture she had of my brother that she brought with her to the hotel. She asked him if he knew who that boy in the picture was. He answered, “who is that?” My mother told him that the boy in the picture was their son and that today made 22 years that he was dead. He then asked if they had others. She reminded him that they had two children, a boy and a girl. It took a while, but then he remembered. This was a few hours after they visited my brother’s gravesite.

I miss my brother every single day. There’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t think of him. Sometimes I think he makes sure that I turn the radio on whenever that one song by The Backstreet Boys plays to let me know that he’s with me. I want to believe that.

Godfrey, I’m sorry I failed you, but I hope you know how much I loved you. I’m sorry to tell you that I welcome death, because I’ll finally be able to see you again. My baby brother. It was my duty to protect you. I’ll never forgive myself for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I hope that I’ve made you proud, just like you once told me. I’ll always remember that moment, standing in your doorway, and you told me that even if I didn’t make mama and papa proud, that you were proud of me. Well, I hope that you’re proud of my choices. I hope that you’re proud of me for leaving my life here to go take care of our parents. I’m a little pissed at you that you’re not here with me, but God called you home. He always takes the good ones first. I’ll see you again. When God says it’s time.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

30/01/24

Ward Round

TW numbers

Yesterdays ward round left me with more questions than answers. As I walked in I noticed my care coordinator and one of the staff from residential on the screen and instantly I felt a tiny amount of reassurance. The psychiatrist asked me the loaded question of "how are you?" and I responded with "tired". What else could I say?

The room was full of people, overwhelmingly full, but at least she was kind enough to give me the option to have less people in. I said it was fine. I didn't want to show her weakness of any sort, so we kept going. I said this wasn't the right place for me and to my surprise, she agreed. What I didn't see coming was what was mentioned next, she bought up the option of sending me to an EDU. I'm not even a kg below my target for goodness sake and I've worked hard to get where I am. What purpose would an EDU serve? It didn't make sense.

I pointed out that I wasn't in hospital for my anorexia, that it was the low mood/ depression that was the current issue, but the fact still remained. Here was not the right place for me. To help my low mood she's upping my antidepressant from 225 to 300mg venlafaxine. I'm not sure it will make much of a difference but I'll give it a try.

I begged to go back to residential and the psychiatrist looked thoughtful. She said she would speak to my dad since he was requesting discharge. I sighed, I knew I wasn't going to get any further so I had a few requests I wanted to ask to make my stay easier. Provided the ward manager agrees, I can eat in my room (with a 1:1), I can use my sharps unsupervised and can go for 2x 15 minute walks escorted by staff. It was better than nothing.

Later that afternoon, I spoke to my care coordinator for an hour. She was actually quite annoyed I had been sectioned and bought here in the first place. Yes I have severe chronic depression BUT that can be treated in the community and here is only making me worse. I agreed. We spoke through the situation and she said she would be very surprised if I hadn't been discharged back to residential by the end of the week. I just hope she's right.

After a few hours sleep, it was another new day, today. The first thing I did was jump on the scales. 0.45kgs down in 3 days (2kgs in a week). The ED was relieved, but I know this is a slippery slope and I need to get back on track before they have any excuse to ship me off for yet another EDU admission.

[oldguy56-world]

Scary Movie

Well, yesterday was Halloween. A lot of things have changed over the years but it seems the joy of scaring people or being scared has not. There are many things that are common to people’s fears, such as the fear of clowns. (FYI: I believe this was started by Burger King and Wendy’s to get people to avoid McDonald's. Just a theory.) 

I still remember the first time I was terrified. I was going to the grocery store with my parents and there was a promo on for Planter’s Peanuts. There was a man dressed up like Mr. Peanut and I wanted no part of him. He was giving out free food and I would not approach him to get some. If you know me you realize just how frightened I was to pass up on a freebie munchie. Time has passed and while I heartily eat as many peanuts as are placed in front of me, whenever I see a man in a top hat and monocle I still pee a little. I am sure a psychiatrist would have a field day with me on the couch (not to mention the money they would make) right up to the point of when they reach deep into my psyche. That’s when his or her own night terrors will kick in. Maybe it is best for all parties that I just stay away for now.

So what are my current fears? So glad you asked. Here they are in no particular order. What causes them? Your guess is as good as mine. I am more than happy to listen to your theories.

1) Doctors that look at your chart and silently shake their head. I don’t like that. Also, when they call you in for results and when they see you they ask you “So why are you here today?” That gives me zero confidence in them. I also think they are hiding bad news from me.

2) Petite women or small children with deep husky voices. Even thinking about it as I type this gives me chills. Let’s move on.

3) Squirrels that stare at me. Seems to be happening more and more lately. What do they know that I don’t? I should really avoid parks.

4) Three legged dogs. They seem happy and have no problems getting around. How? Why? If I ever see a two legged dog moving well I will just go home and curl up in bed.

5) Running out of toilet paper. This will never happen again. Ever. Don’t believe me? Check the closet in the spare bedroom.

6) Being late. I am afraid I will miss something fun, or worse, arrive after the good snacks are already gone. I get the sweats all while I am driving someplace.

7) Raisins in cake. Pure evil. They hide and assault your palate. Filthy fruit.

8) Drivers that can’t see over the steering wheel. There are a couple of things here. First I am afraid of cars that run by themselves. Call it the Nightrider effect. Second, if they can’t see, how do they steer. There is some voodoo black magic involved. I can feel it.

9) Whatever is under my bed. It has been following me for decades. So far I have been safe but it is only a matter of time.

That’s what frightens me at this moment. Other things come and go. I know a trick.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: People who have fears seem to live longer than people that do not. Don’t believe me? Watch any horror movie. The guy who is brave and checks out ‘what that noise was' is usually the first victim.

[janevx]

you are my strange addiction| choi san

genre: kinda psycho au, sanxreader

summary: you and san were the most adorable and wild couple you can imagine. san love you like hell, but you didn’t know about his secrets.

---

 You couldn’t belive what happend. You couldn’t belive that love of your life lied to you. Few minutes ago your friend text you news that your ex boyfriend was part of mafia and he killed somenone, so now he is in psychiatrist. Now everything makes sense. Why ex?

 About two months ago San came to your house without smile. All strict and serious.

“Y/N we need to talk.”

“San? What’s going on? Did something happend?”

“You know that I love you the most in whole world, right? You are the most precious and important person to me, honey. I will love you until I die. You are my one and only.”

“Okay, but why are you telling me this right now? San, please tell me what’s going on?”

“I need to let go of you. I love you y/n, but we need to break up. It’s all for you.”

 You didn’t notice when tears start running trough your face.

“For me? You love me but break up with me? Break up with me for me? You fuckin liar!” You shouted. “Did you cheated on me? How can break up be for me?”

“You don’t understand this, my love. Remember no matter what I still love you.”

 And with this he left. He left like nothing happend. You trow yourself on bed and cry more. You were with San about 4 years, you really love him and you tought that he loves you too. How can he break up with you like that?

   Now it makes sense, he break up with you for your safety. Maybe he knew that police is about to find out, and he tried to hide you. You miss San like nothing else. You didn’t want anything, you just wanted to be in his arms again and talk about some things you two like. Have deep conversation with him. Cuddle with him and tell about your two problems. But he was gone.

 You can’t count how many nights your cried because of San. Because you miss him.

---------------

 You came back from university and you walked in to your room, but you had call. You didn’t know this phone number, but you decided to answer the call.

“Y/N?”

“Yes, why?”

“I am direcot of psychiatrist. This one when I work is your lovely Choi San. I have question. Do you want to meet with him?”

 It was obvious. You miss him and haven’t seen him in month. You couldn’t miss this chance.

“Of course. I want to!”

“Perfect. Can you be there tommorow? I’m gonna send you our address.”

“Okay, I can.”

“Awesome. See you y/n!”

“See you.”

 You were in shock, because you didn’t expecnt this call. Also, you were very happy that you will be able to see your love.

------------

 You walked out of taxi. You were at the end of South Korea. Day was rainy and gloomy. Not the best day to meet with your San, but you couldn’t change the weather. In front of gate was standing male all in black. His face was straight with 0 emotions. You were a little bit scared, because this place don’t look too friendly.

“Who are you lady?”

“I am y/n. Director called me yesterday and asked if I can came, so here I am.

“You need to wait. I have to check if it’s true.”

 It took few minutes, till you could walked in. When you were inside, next to your side approach some tall guy with a little smile on his face. He leaded you to San’s room. Everyhting there was so scary and you were really scared of San. How they treat him? Do they hurt him? Does he miss you? All questions in your head was messing around with you.

“Don’t be scared! It’s normal place. It’s always look like this.” He smiled a little.

“I mean.. ugh, it’s really sad place.” You looked around. “Do you know something about San?”

“Not really. I only know that they keep him on third floor, where are killers. It’s really strict floor. Also I know that he doesn’t like to talk with us.”

“Ah, I understand.”

“Did you know, that he is mafia member and he kills people?”

“No, I didn’t know anything.”

“You sure? I mean you were in relationship with him.”

“I said no.”

 This guy was really annoying. 

 After few minutes we arrived and stand in front of room number 101. You didn’t know when older man were standing next to you.

“Welcome y/n.”

------------------

 San was siting on the chair and look at man infront him. He didn’t say a single word since he was there. San knows that this can only make his situations look worse. He was silent and calm. Man in front of him spoke.

“I have surprise to you. I bet, that after our surprise you will tell us everything with details San.”

 Young man couldn’t understand what was happening, Surprise? He hide you and no one could tell about you, so it was impossible for them to find you,

----------------

“Welcome y/n.” He smiled. “Are you ready?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Hey, open the door!”

 The door open and you saw face of your lover. He looked so pure and weak at the same time. They told you that you can walked in. Face of San was shocked. He couldn’t belive that he see you. He couldn’t belive that this motherfuckers bringes you to make him scared and talk. San love you and he doesn’t want to get you hurt, because of his mistakes and lifes. He was furious.

“Do you regonize her? y/n. Isn’t she your love?”

“You are fuckin bitch Seo. I swear, if I’ll be free, I’m going to fuckin kill you..” He said clamly, with head down looking at the ground. “Why the fuck do you mix her up in this?” Now San scream.

“Oh, look who finally spoke.” He smiled. “Oh no! We don’t mix her up, we want you to make you happy to finally see her.”

“How the fuck did you find her?” He was screaming and looked really pissed. You have never seen your love like this.

“Stop being so mad and enjoy your time with this adorable person.”

 They left you two alone. San was chained to the chair, so you need to walk closer to him. You were standing there and you couldn’t stop the tears. 

“S-san.” You crouched. “I miss you so much.”

“Did they hurt you? Tell you something? Threaten?”

“No, why?” You looked into his eyes. “San, I really miss you. Why didn’t you tell me something?”

“Because I love you and care too much about you, to let them to hurt you.” He touch your hand. “They take you there to make me talking. Honey, please run away.”

“Why? San I can’t leave you like this!” You screamed. “I love you and I can’t stand that you are hurt and they have you like this.”

“Y/N you really shouldn’t be here.”

“I’m not leaving. I will never let you go.”

 San was extremly pissed, but he didn’t want to show his furious to you. He wanted to kill everyone who ivolved you here. He wanted you to be safe, happy and healtyhy, away from this stuff.

“Okay princess. Let’s do like I say okay?” You two whispered and make this conversation looked like argue.

“But promise me, that you never gonna leave me alone.”

“I swear to god that I will never leave you, but now listen to me.” He smiled softly. “Now you need to run away, because they want me to speak because of you, because they know that you’re important to me. Ask them about toilet, there is window, that should be open. Take taxi, wahtever and come back to home. When you be home ask Seonghwa about safe place, and then I find you honey.”

“I don’t want to leave without you. What if you don’t make it.”

“Y/N please, trust me.”

“Promise me that you come back to me.”

“I promise.” You leaned, and let San to kiss you.”Now please go, and remember that no matter what, I will always love you.”

“No, don’t tell me this. Tell me when I see you at our new place.” You chuckled lighly so he too.

“Okay, see you honey.”

 You did like San told you to. They lead you to toilet and as fast as you can you run trough this window. You run really fast jus to go to Seonghwa.

 It took you some hours to be back at Seoul and at Seonghwa place. He let you walked in and looked at you with really serious eyes.

“I take you to safe place. You can’t take anyhting with you. Throw your phone away and don’t contact anyone, understood?”

“Understood. But what with San?”

“He will run away.” He shrugged.

“Okay.”

  Everything was so messed up lately. Why this couldn’t turn into good time?

“Don’t overthink y/n. He will be by your side really fast.”

“Seonghwa, i can’t. San is my love. You can’t understand this.”

“Of course I can!” He smiled. “You need to rest. Go to sleep when we arrived. I will have to leave, and you don’t open anyone. San propably has own keys.” He smiled more. “And don’t worry too much, he knows what he is doing.”

“If you say so.”

 The road wasn;t too long. Seonghwa left you and gone. You walked in and go straight to bedroom. You needed sleep and get some rest. Bed was really huge. You were that tired that you didn’t even notice when you fall asleep.

 About 2 A.M you woke up, because you want to drink water. A little bit sleepy, you went downstairs to grab glass of water. When you were about to grab glass you could swear to god, that you heard some footsteps. You turned around to check if someone is in, but you didn\t see anything. You thought it was your imagination, because you were still sleepy.

 But suddenly you felt light touch on your shoulder and you were ready to fight, but when you turned around you saw San.

“I told you I come back. You can’t get rid of me that fast.”

“Oh my god, San. Damn, you are here.”

 You two kissed like you have never seen each other and like it was your first time. You could feel longing between you two.

“I miss you y/n. You can’t even imagine.”

“All what’s matter is that you are here with me.”

“I will always be there honey.”

[quicksiilver]

In My Fathers Eyes

All Parts: Here

Also on AO3: Here

Part Six: No Distractions

Word Count: 6.2k

Chapter Summary: The next day begins with breakfast with the team, which follows with a training session with Natasha.  Just when Rachel thought she’d get along with Tony something turns it sour once more.  While training Rachel meets two new faces, and one who may turn out to be another great friend.

A/N: This part is a little longer than ones I’ve been posting, but I needed to fit this all into one!

The alarm on my phone woke me up at nine thirty.  Buried in the pillows I slid my hand all over the mattress beside me to find my phone and shut it off.  In doing so I found a few messages from Shaun, and realized I never said goodnight to him.

S: Hope everything is still good with Spidey boy

S: Today is the longest you’ve gone in between texting me I don’t know if I liiiike this Rach!!

S: I’m jk-ing.  You’re living a life right now and I’m happy for you and not jealous at all!!

S: That was a lie I’m totally jealous

S: Love you and goodnight!!

Rubbing my eyes I tapped a few words out for him and hit send then laid back down.  I stared at the ceiling letting my thoughts from yesterday come in slow which was a technique taught to me by Shaun’s mom.  She’s been a psychiatrist for years and she helped me through my mom's passing.  I’ve learned that thinking of everything all at one time would cause more anxiety than needed, so I think of one thing at a time and talk it out with myself.  I haven’t had to use the technique in a while actually, but thanks to yesterday that streak broke.

“I have a dad,” I spoke quietly admiring the plain ceiling, “And he’s a bad guy to these people.”  I took in a long deep breath closing my eyes, expanding my chest to its max before letting the air out slow.

“I don’t want to judge him yet.  I need to meet him, talk to him, and then I can make judgments,” I said, “It’s cool that he can do... some kind of magic.  Thor told me I could learn to use it.” My eyes popped open and I felt a small tinge of excitement spark inside of me.

“I could learn magic,” I giggled flipping onto my stomach face first into a squishy pillow, “This is madness!” I said louder, muffled by the cushion.  Composing myself I rolled again onto my back not even worried about falling off an edge, the bed was far too big for that to happen.

“I met some Avengers who all seem to want to help me,” I continued the list of yesterday, “They need me to help them.  I could be a part of a mission with these people.  The Hulk and Tony Stark read my freaking mind...” My excitement toned down and was swapped for a different feeling.  A sixth grade and high school kind of feeling.  The forget to eat, trip over your feet feeling.

“I met a boy,” My voice was quiet again, “Called Peter-“

“Calling Peter,” Friday's voice said from the beyond.  My heart shot out of my chest, and I’d never gotten out of bed faster.

“No! Friday! No don’t call Peter,” I spoke frantically and tried to keep my voice low.  I was waving my hands at the ceiling still having no idea where Friday even comes from.  There was a knock at my door.  I spun around and stared for a second.  There was no time to feel anxious, at this point I was just feeling stupid.  A few more knocks came from the other side of the door so I took that as my cue to answer it.

Pulling the handle I opened it a few inches and peeked outside.  Sure enough Peter was there in a t-shirt and sweatpants rubbing one of his eyes.  His hair was a little messy, and even though he still had sleep on him I almost preferred him like this.

“Hey,” His voice was a bit deeper than usual, “Are you okay?” He asked, looking at me with heavy eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” I said sincerely, “Friday... is in here I think and she... she called you.  I told her to stop.  I didn’t mean to wake you up, I really am sorry.”  He smirked at my rambling and shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it, Mr. Stark tells me I need to wake up earlier anyway.  If anything, you saved me another lecture,” He rolled his eyes and we both smiled as he turned away to go back into his room.  I was about to shut my door when he paused and turned back around to me.

“Why did she call me?” He questioned, finding it funny.  I just shrugged and hoped Friday wouldn’t give me up.  If I had known she was listening that entire time I wouldn’t have said anything out loud.

“Miss Rachel said ‘Call Peter’, Peter,” Friday came out into the hallway.  Pressing my eyes shut I sighed heavily.  I was cool with this girl last night, but now she was testing me.

“I did not say that,” I said.

“Miss Rachel said to call you Peter,” Friday said, her tone staying the same.

“Girl!” I looked toward the ceiling.

“I have the proof if she doesn’t believe me, Peter,” Friday spoke again, and the next thing out of her was my voice.

“Called Peter,” Was all it said.  Looking at him he was watching me with a faint grin.  I pressed my lips together tight and honestly didn’t know what else to say.

“Friday she didn’t say to call me,” Peter said and Friday answered with an apology, “It’s okay, but maybe let her have a moment to herself.  I told you to look after her, not smother her.”  Our eyes met again, his looking a little uneasy as if he was waiting for a reaction from me.  Friday apologized again and said she would no longer come into my room unless there was an emergency.

“I guess we’re both sorry now,” He said guiltily, making me laugh.

“Thanks,” I said quietly referring to his gesture with Friday.  He nodded and shrugged looking down to his feet for a second.

“Who were you talking to?” He asked, speaking as quiet as I was, nodding at my room.

“Children?” Tony’s voice came from the elevator that opened without Peter or I noticing.  We both snapped our necks toward him, and I thanked him internally for saving me from answering Peter’s question.  Behind Tony walked Natasha who was eyeing Peter and I curiously.  Tony was dressed in a suit, for the royal wedding apparently, and Natasha wore a similar outfit to the one from yesterday.

“Wow, up before ten?” Tony asked Peter sarcastically, who shot me a quick deadpan look that made me have to suppress a laugh, “Maybe you’ll actually eat some kind of breakfast today and not straight junk.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Peter looked down trying to brush him off, “Sure.” His tone was flat.

“I’m serious Parker,” Tony said.

“Alright!” Peter snapped back looking at him annoyed.  Tony went to speak again but Natasha cut him off and got him back on track.  She looked to me with a smile.

“There’s food in the kitchen,” She spoke sweetly, “Have as much as you’d like, and make yourself at home.  We want you to be comfortable here.” Her voice was smooth and soft, like the blankets in my room if I had to visualize it.  I couldn’t believe that Natasha was the Black Widow.  The badass, villain killing woman that every girl wanted to be.

“After that you’re training with her,” Tony said to me and put a hand on Natashas shoulder, “We need to get you into shape and there’s no better person to do that than Nat.” She shrugged, still smiling, still looking at me.  Tony commented on Peter's appearance making Peter throw his head back in frustration and then he went off for the elevator.  Natasha leaned in coming closer to Peter and I.

“He forgets what it’s like to be young,” She joked, “He wasn’t always like this.  Promise.” She poked Peter on the chest and turned away joining Tony in the elevator.  Right before the doors closed she gave Peter a wink.  He instantly looked away flustered and my mind quickly took a turn.

“Does she like you?” I asked without hesitation.  His jaw fell open and he laughed out loud.

“No,” He said firmly, “She teases me like a freaking big sister.  You think Friday is a helicopter?  Nat is ten times worse.” I felt relief from the pit in my stomach that started to grow.  If there was a chance she liked him I’d be dead, and he’d be lucky because she’s a knockout.

“She’s a little too old for me, too,” He smiled.

“Right, sorry,” I said.

“Want to go eat?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.  My rumbling stomach answered for me and we laughed.

“I’m gonna get ready,” He said, backing up to his door, “I’ll meet you back out here.  I’ll wait for you so you know where you’re going.”

“I can help,” Friday chimed in.

“No!” Peter held up a hand and I grinned.  He watched me, amused, as I shut my door.

The elevator took Tony and Natasha to the floor Peter and I were on last night.  Steve, Thor, Bucky and Bruce were there waiting for them all sitting around one of the long tables.  Steve was sipping coffee from a mug talking quietly with Bucky while Thor and Bruce were looking through a pile of photographs.

“Gentlemen,” Natasha said affirmatively as she and Tony joined them.  She said hello to Bucky in russian.  He just smiled, shaking his head.

“The girl’s awake,” Tony said as he sat beside Bruce.  Steve rolled his eyes, setting his mug on the glass.

“The girl's name is Rachel,” He said glaring toward Stark.

“Right, what I said,” Tony retorted.

“Come on boys,” Natasha sang.  She’d been around them for too many years to know that their bickering would never stop.

“She’s up, so is Peter.  She’ll be training with Natasha today for the most part,” Tony explained.  Thor raised a hand and Tony sighed, disappointed.

“Yes, Thor,” He cooed sarcastically, Thor, again, not catching onto the mannerisms.

“Will I get some time with Rachel? I have some things I need to speak with her about,” He said squeezing a fist.  Tony eyed it and nodded.

“Yeah, she’s gonna need to know,” He told him, “Especially if she happens to be one, too.”

“You may have to fight Parker for her,” Natasha teased.  Tony turned to her suddenly, eyebrows in a twist.  She smirked down at him.  Tony shook his head, and Natasha nodded hers back.  They did this two more times before Tony broke away.  He took off his glasses and placed a hand to his forehead.

“I win, again,” Nat smized and Tony shot her back with some uncomfortable noises.

“She does always win,” Bucky said quietly from across the table.

“Shut up, Ted Bundy,” Tony shot at him, and you’d think he actually shot him with the way Steve stood up angrily.  Bucky ignored Tony.  He reached for Steve's arm and pulled on him to get him to sit back down.

“Yeah, cool it, Capsicle,” Tony said, “Wait.  I’m sorry.  You already did.” Steve rolled his eyes and sat back, looking to Bucky who just smiled at him.

“Does Peter like her then?” Bruce spoke up waiting for Natasha to explain.  He and Thor listened eagerly, leaning forward like it was ground breaking news.

“He might.  The way he looks at her... I’ve seen it before,” She looked at Bruce and gave him a gentle smile.  Tony fake threw up making Natasha smack the back of his head, her face expressionless.

“That,” Tony pointed at her looking around at the guys, “Why are science guys into girls like that?”

“You’re going to want to put your finger down, Stark,” Natasha warned.  Tony glanced to her and slowly lowered his hand, “You have been more of an ass than usual recently.  Anyone else seeing what I’m seeing?” Everyone at the table nodded their heads, even Bruce which surprised Tony.

“We can take the usual... but what’s going on?” Steve asked, “We can fight Tony but why are you picking one with everybody over everything?” Tony slid his glasses back on his nose and sat back with a deep breath.

“You’ve been anxious again?” Natasha asked, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Tony said quickly and nodded.

“Tone, you know you can talk about that with us,” Steve said looking between him and Natasha.

“Pepper’s pregnant,” He spoke faster than before, eyes glued to the table in front of him.  The room was quiet for only a second until the group broke out in happy sounds.

“Tony, congratulations!” Natasha said, wrapping an around him to give him a hug where he sat beside her.

“Yeah, man,” Steve nodded with a grin, “That’s awesome.” Tonys expression didn’t change.

“How far along is she?” Thor asked.  The group looked to Tony excitedly.  He took a long deep breath before he answered.

“Four months,” He said, “She’s been going through it, I haven’t been sleeping at all.  You guys know me, I don’t sleep.  Every now and then I do, but now instead of sleeping I’m helping Pepper,” He placed a hand back to his forehead, “It’s great.  Shit, I’m excited as hell to be a dad.  Now knowing that we’re about to face total destruction of the planet... again! I’m... afraid.”  Natasha rubbed his shoulder.

“We’re prepared this time Tony,” She said softly.

“What... with the powerless daughter of the antichrist upstairs?” Tony snapped.  If he didn’t just tell all of them his recent news, Thor would’ve been ready to swing his hammer around at the snide comment about his brother.  Nat looked to Thor with eyes that could kill, letting him know that if he reacted he’d be doing the worst right now.

“She’s going to learn,” She reassured Tony, “Trust me.  Even if she can’t learn the magic, I’ll get her as close to me as I can in the time that we have.”

“Yeah and how much time is that exactly?” Bruce asked Thor.  The god sighed and shook his head.

“Heimdall hasn’t given me a sign,” He said, “I’ve asked for one when he knows of the Jotun’s plans from my father.”

“The Yo-ton’s are going to tell your father their plan to attack,” Steve said seriously, “There’s no way.”

“There is,” Thor grinned and pointed Mjolnir at Steve.

“Loki,” Natasha said calmly and Thor turned to her with a wicked smile.

“Yes! See I told you Friday makes them every Monday,” Peter said to me as we stepped into the kitchen.  He snatched two plates that were set out on the counter and handed one to me.  The counter was covered with plates of pancakes, but Peter told me these weren’t regular pancakes.  They were pancakes made by Friday.  That was the explanation I was given, so I didn’t ask further questions.  Popping two on my plate I put some syrup over top of them and looked to Peter who was turned around, his face reading surprised.

“What?” I asked and turned and gasped, alarmed.  The entire team was sitting at one of the tables.

“Who’s scaring who now?” Tony raised his eyebrows at me.

“We totally didn’t see you guys when we came in,” Peter said walking towards them, I followed right behind him.

“Why would you?” Natasha started to smile, her eyes looking between Peter and I.  When I wasn’t looking he shot her a dirty look.

“Oh,” Steve said from somewhere in the back, then laughed under his breath watching the two of them, “I get it.” Natasha looked to him with sarcastic awe.

“Come sit, eat, and get comfy,” Nat said, gesturing to empty chairs beside her.  I slipped in beside Natasha and Peter beside me.

“What were you guys doing?” Steve asked, his eyes waiting for a good answer.  Peter and I looked at one another, confused, then back to Steve.

“Just getting ready,” I said quietly, my eyes drawing to the man who sat beside him.  A man with blue eyes, long brown hair and a metal left arm, “Bucky,” I said without even realizing I was going to say it, it just came out of me.

“Rachel,” He spoke as quietly as I did, and he smiled.

“Sorry,” I shook my head and laughed, “I heard all about you guys yesterday.” I looked around at everyone there.  Thor was grinning something fierce toward me.

“Hi,” I said, smiling back.

“Good morning,” He nodded.

“So?” Steve began to ask, “What have you heard about us?” Peter glanced at me, subtly proud, awaiting my answer.  They were all waiting, actually.  Each one of them looked at me closely.

“Oh... well,” I sat my fork down and let my eyes move around them, “I learned about you two and your past,” I motioned to Bucky and Steve who both looked to their laps with a small smile before composing themselves and sharing a glance, “Bruce... I know, yanno, you’re... green,” I spoke carefully not really knowing what to say.  Peter told me Bruce could be sensitive about Hulk.  He bobbed his head up and down seeming not to care.

“Thor, I heard about Jane,” I lowered my voice.  Everyone looked at him and snickered a bit.  My uncle shook his head, shutting his eyes.

“She was fantastic,” He sighed letting his eyes gaze behind us all.

“Natasha,” I looked to the red head beside me who eyed me cautiously, as if she was not going to be ready to hear what I had to say, “You’ve traveled everywhere... Saving so many people, and you need to be more recognized for that.  These guys are all fancy with their tricks and shit,” I twirled my hands around watching Natasha start to smile, “But you, you do it yourself.” She tossed an arm around my shoulder and pulled me in giving me a shake.

“I like you,” She scrunched her nose happily as the guys tried to debate with what I had said about them, “Uh uh,” Nat held up a finger, “The girls are speaking.”

“What about me?” Tony asked confidently.  He and I hadn’t gotten off on the best foot yesterday.  I heard plenty about him from Peter, because Stark is one of his favorite topics to talk about apparently.  I watched him and tapped on my chest over my heart.

“I heard about this story,” I said just a little louder than a whisper.  The table fell silent.  Tony kept his eyes on me.

“How you pushed a nuclear bomb into space.  What you’ve done to keep this and these people going.  Harley.  Pepper, which congratulations by the way,” I smiled and then let it fall once I saw everyone's faces twist with confusion, “The wedding you’re planning? With Pepper?” I asked hoping someone would catch on.

“What?” Bruce said in shock.

“Oh no,” Peter mumbled from beside me.  My head turned to him, and then back to Tony, and then back to Peter.

“Parker,” Tony said sternly.

“I’m sorry Mr. Stark, I didn’t think she’d say anything,” Peter defended.

“Tony, this is so huge for you.  Now we really know why you’ve been on edge,” Bruce said tapping his arm.

“Yes,” Thor chimed in, “First a baby, now a wedding?  You’ve been a busy man!” He cheered.

“A what?” Peter asked quietly.  Tony’s eyes slowly left Thor and found Peter who was looking to Tony with furrowed brows.

“Oh no,” Thor copied Peter's words from before.

“A baby?” Peter asked innocently, “You’re getting... having? A baby?” Natasha turned her head away as did Steve and Bucky.  I watched Peter, whose emotion changed from confused to disappointed.  Thor sat back in his chair while Bruce hung his head, but kept his eyes on the conversation.  Tony glanced all around the room, stumped.  For the first time I believe I was witnessing Tony Stark not know what to say.

“Peter, we can talk about this later,” He finally said after a moment of complete silence.  Peter lowered his head and tangled his hands together.  He took a shallow breath before he stood up calmly, avoiding eye contact with everyone, and took himself out of the room.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered turning to Nat.  I started to stand up to follow Peter, but she took hold of my arm gently and shook her head.

“Let him go,” She whispered back to me, “He’ll be okay.”  Tony was staring at the table with his arms folded across his chest.  He didn’t even react to Peter walking away.  Resting my elbows on the table I narrowed my eyes at him waiting to see if he’d stop him, or go after him, or say anything to him.  Peter was clearly hurt, and after hearing all about how great their relationship is last night I was feeling a little hurt as well.  More like taken back by Tony letting his prodigy walk away from him upset.

“Are you going to just let him go?” I said.  Tony's eyes flickered to me.  He was giving me the same look I was giving him.

“Don’t speak about things you don’t know,” He warned.

“I know that he looks up to you and admires you,” I said, “He said himself yesterday that he’d give his life if it meant saving yours.”  Tony didn’t crack.  Steve was watching me in awe at how I was speaking to him.

“You think I don’t know that?” Tony fired back sitting forward, “Do not think for one second you can come in here and tell me how a boy I’ve been raising for five years feels about me.” His voice was sharp, loud.  I stood my ground, not letting my expression falter once even if I suddenly felt small, my confidence plummeting.  He may have just put me in my place, but I was not going to let him know that.

“You’re just like your father,” He spat, standing to his feet.  Thor sat up straight, and Bruce was ready to calm him down.

“You have no respect.  I invite you into my home, my family, and you have the nerve to step in and interfere with the way things are.  I run the show here, sweetheart.  Don’t think for a second I’ll let you screw it up,” His hands were open flat facing behind him, “You have his blood, so be ready for me to treat you like him if you try anything.”

“That’s it,” Thor shouted jumping up, his chair tipping over behind him.  He raised his hammer and began to aim it toward Tony, but Stark was quick to summon two red and gold blasters from the back.  They flew through the air from somewhere and latched to his hands.  He pointed them to my uncle, a high pitched buzzing sound coming from them which I could only assume was him preparing them for a shot.  They both froze, glaring.  I reached an arm to my right to hold onto one of Natasha’s.  Something I would’ve been nervous to do any other time.  She put a hand on top of mine giving it a pat.

“Come on,” She said gently.  She stood up taking me with her, her hand still holding mine.  When we reached the elevator and stepped inside I turned to find Steve now on his feet talking to the two of them calmly.  Words I couldn’t hear from across the room.

-

“I didn’t mean to start a fight,” I said to Natasha as we walked through the first floor to the backyard Thor took me to yesterday.  She held the door open for me and insisted I walk out first.

“They’ll get over it,” She sighed, “I’m usually the one to break up the weekly fight.” She smiled lightly giving me a glance.

“This happens a lot?” I asked, smiling with her.

“Oh god, yeah it does,” She said, guiding me towards another building across the field.  A group of men and women dressed in identical clothing came jogging by us in formation.  I turned around myself in a circle as I walked to watch them.

“I was the only woman for years before we found Wanda,” Natasha said, “You think with all that testosterone there wouldn’t be any fights?” I laughed and she smiled at me, bigger this time.

We reached the building that was only a story high.  After we climbed up the three steps to the door, Natasha held it open for me again.  Inside there was gym equipment everywhere.  A boxing ring, punching bags hanging from the ceiling and some insane jungle gym looking thing.  And not close to the ones you’d see in a school yard.  It was tall, fitting just below the high ceiling, with wooden pillars that I could assume one would train to jump across.  I looked around the place with wide eyes, impressed with the intensity of these machines yet kind of scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle this.  The only heavy lifting I’ve done is canvases and easels, and the only exercise I’ve done was involuntarily in high school gym class.

There were two other people in here with us, a girl with light brown hair pulled into a ponytail and a man, I presumed, that looked to be all red all over.  They were in the boxing ring, the man calling out things for the woman to try on him.  Natasha and I came up to the edge to watch them.

The woman exercising kicks was beautiful.  She had delicate features and big round eyes.  Looking to the man I tried to make out what he was exactly.  He was red everywhere except where he’d be wearing clothes, that part was a dark blue.  Something was on the center of his forehead.  It was yellow, and bright.  It shone whenever light hit it in the right way.  He was the one to notice Nat and I.

“Natasha,” He said.  The woman stopped what she was doing and turned around, her breath heavy.

“Oh, hi,” She smiled her eyes on me, “How long have you been there?” She asked with a small laugh to Natasha, a hint of a Russian accent in her voice.

“We just came in,” Natasha said, “This is Rachel.” She looked to me, then back to them.  They both gave me a wave.

“How are you?” The man asked, his english accent very prominent, “I’m Vision.  It’s lovely to finally meet you.”

“I’m Wanda,” The woman said, coming close to us, grabbing a water bottle that was in the corner of the ring.  Shaun had mentioned them both at one point I was sure of it, but Peter gave me the run down on them last night.

Wanda was the Scarlet Witch, her powers given to her by the same people that created the Winter Soldier.  She and her twin brother, Pietro, were Russian and were sent to destroy the Avengers, both of them having a grudge against Tony.  They all met in Russia, the Avengers battling Ultron and the twins at once.  It wasn’t until Wanda used her gift to discover Ultron’s true plan that she and her brother turned on him and joined the Avengers.  Unfortunately Pietro didn’t make it out of Russia, but he gave his life to save a member of the team, Hawkeye, and a child civilian.  Vision came from Ultron as well.  His entire being consisted of Tony and Bruce’s mind, Jarvis who was one of Tony’s old AI’s, and a piece of Ultron.  While I knew that Vision wasn’t born the traditional way, I had no idea he wasn’t some sort of human, and there was no mention of the stunning stone on his forehead.

“It’s nice to meet you guys,” I said nodding my head.

“Have you settled in alright?” Vision asked me walking closer, “Those men being nice to you inside?” Instead of slipping between the wires around the rink to come out, Vision levitated up and brought himself down beside me.  My jaw dropping made him smile.

“Uh, yeah, I guess they’re being nice,” I said quietly, stunned by what he was just able to do.

“Miss Rachel I can assure you that this won’t be the strangest thing you will see here,” Vision told me.

“You haven’t seen anyone do anything yet have you?” Natasha asked me, knowing the answer herself, “I think today we can change that, but for now we need to get to work and I need to set up a schedule with you.”

“Ooo,” Wanda sounded excited, “Are we training?” Natasha nodded to her, and slipped between the wires unfortunately unable to fly like Vision.  I stood patiently watching the two women talk with one another like lifelong friends.

Earlier when the team asked me what I’ve heard about their story, I was hesitant to talk about Natasha. I gave her an honest answer, but it wasn’t my first choice.  I learned of her past.  Training in Russia, becoming a spy and essentially an assassin for the group she was a part of.  While she may seem calm and collected now, Peter told me he heard that there was a period of transition for her to get over the trauma she endured, and for her to come to terms with the lives she’s taken.

For a long time she wasn’t welcomed anywhere, but when Nick Fury, the creator of the Avengers, found her and brought her in for work she was finally at home.

Seeing her and Wanda together now I felt happy for them.  They both almost had similar stories with being from Russia, and created and trained to kill.

“You coming up, Rach?” Natasha asked me.  Taking a deep breath I nodded and got myself up there next to her.  Nerves erupted inside of me as I stood beside these powerful women.  I could feel my hands about to shake so I crossed my arms over my chest to keep my composure I didn’t want them to know I was losing.

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable,” Natasha said calmly.  Wanda smiled at us both and walked to the edge of the ring where she sat with her bottle of water taking sips from it.  My heart beat got faster as Natasha took a few steps away from me slowly.  Something was coming, and I should probably ask what that was, but my stubbornness to appear confident was far too strong.  I dropped my arms by my side and narrowed my eyes on her as she fell silent.  Suddenly in a matter of seconds she lunged at me with a fist that I dodged and a kick that I squatted down to avoid.  Wanda cheered me on from the corner.

“Okay,” Natasha approved.  I could see her making mental notes.

“I didn’t hit you.  That’s better than Peter on his first go with me,” She said and I laughed out loud with Wanda at the thought of Peter training with Nat and her beating him.  I then was brought back to not even an hour ago when Peter left the table obviously torn up by Tony.

Natasha kicked at me again and hit my shoulder sending me tumbling backward.  It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either.  Bringing up a hand to hold where she kicked I stood up and looked to see her smiling smugly.

“Tip number one,” She said, “Don’t get distracted.” Pressing my lips together I felt vaguely embarrassed.  She had brought his name up on purpose.

“You can swing back, don’t be shy,” She grinned, “I can take it, and I need to see what we really need to work on.” I had no clue what to do, but I wanted to at least try to make a good first impression.  Making a fist I hurried towards her, she didn’t move.  I got as close as I could and I swung for her arm, but she quickly and swiftly slid on the floor under me.  Tripping out of fear that I’d step on her I spun around to see if I could swing at her again, but she was quick to grab me around the neck before I could even turn.  She wasn’t squeezing, but I was against her tight with my arms pinned at my sides.  Wanda said something to Natasha, and Nat answered but I wasn’t going to let her distract me.  I followed tip number one.  Trying to free myself from her hold was pointless.  She was so much stronger than me.  I didn’t expect her to let me go, this was a test, and I knew she was only doing it to see what I could do.

Closing my eyes trying to think of something fast, my mind took me back to fifth grade on the playground where a boy would pick on me everyday.  He’d push me over, call me names and sometimes pin me on the ground by my wrists and hover over me.  One day when he was laughing over my face I had had enough, so I pulled my legs in and used all of my strength to kick him hard in his stomach.  Sure enough he was sent flying behind me.  Some of the other kids witnessed this, and I wasn’t bullied again from there on out.

Opening my eyes now I took a deep breath and pulled my knees in, my feet lifting from the ground.  Natasha’s grip was tight enough for her to hold me up here.  Using all of the strength I had in me today I lifted my legs and kicked them behind me getting her just above the knees.  I had caught her off guard to my surprise and she let me go.  Now I was able to turn around and I readied my fists in case she was coming back at me.

“Nice,” Was all she said, “Handle this.” She came at me with two fists flying one after the other.  I ducked in front of her legs and just as she was about to use them to get me I jumped up punching her right in the stomach.  It wasn’t a powerful punch but it was enough for her to praise me.

“When you concentrate you really know how to dodge a hit,” She smirked.  I kept the straight, concentrated look on my face, but I could feel it start to turn to a smile as Natasha and I went on.  We went back and forth with different tactics for about an hour.  She talked me through about half of it, but let me go on my own for the rest.  I didn’t think I was impressive, but Natasha assured me I was better than she thought I’d be.

“You’re not bad,” Wanda said, seeming impressed as she gave me a bottle of water.  I thanked her and sat next to her on the floor drinking from my bottle generously.

“When I first... started,” She began to explain, “I was terrible.”

“At fighting?” I asked, still catching my breath.  I was sweating like mad, my body not used to this type of exertion.  Wanda nodded her head and slowly smiled.

“At all of it,” She said, “The powers I have are so strong.  I was intimidated by the strength I was given, I was out of control.  I didn’t know how to fight, I had never done it before.”  The inside of my body was relieved to hear this, I could feel the instant release of every anxious muscle in me.  I listened to her happily, watching her porcelain complexion tell me this with intent.

“I started with Natasha after Ultron,” Wanda gestured to Nat who was out of the ring now walking towards the door, “Then once I moved on to train with others I found a great partner with Vision.  He gets me.” Pushing my eyebrows together I glanced around the room realizing I never saw him leave.

“Don’t worry he’s always off somewhere,” Wanda giggled, “He’s also not into doors, so beware of the walls.” Her eyes went wide and we both shared a laugh.  It was nice to hear that one of the strongest members on the team struggled when she first joined.  It gave me hope that one day I’d be able to be like her and Natasha.

“So how’d we do?” Steve's voice called out, catching Wanda and I’s attention.  He and Natasha were coming towards us.

“Pretty good for day one,” Wanda reached an arm around me.  Steve smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back.

“I love to hear that,” He said, “You’re in good hands here, especially with this one around.”  He pointed to Wanda and Nat agreed with him.

“It felt good to move like that,” I admitted.  Steve was about to say something back to me, but Natasha whispered something to him taking his attention.

“Right,” He said to her, “I was told to come here to tell you that your... Thor wants to spend lunch with you when you’re ready.” I laughed at his avoidance of using the term uncle and thanked him for telling me.

“Come on,” Wanda said standing up.  She held out a hand for me to grab and helped me to my feet with a single pull.

“Let’s get you showered,” She said and I followed her out of the ring and out of the building.

[im-bipolar-but-thats-okay]

Life Moves On.

Hello to everyone who reads my blog. I appreciate you even if you just skim it, even if you read it on the toilet, or even if you read it and don’t say anything at all to me. I started it as a way for me to journal out loud, but it has become so much more to me. Anyways...

A little update on how I am doing. Great, actually. Thanks for asking. 

Chris broke up with me Sunday and I was sad for about two days. I think ultimately he didn’t really care about me as much as he led me to believe and I realize that now. Yes, I do miss him. I miss talking to him and I miss his voice, but I just don’t want to dwell on him. He wasn’t one of my great loves. He was just a speed bump in my love life. And sometimes that is all people are. 

I am already back on the dating apps. Hah. Already talking to some interesting people. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I’m one of those fancy lures that looks like it’s actually swimming and has a really big tail. I’m 30 yrs old and I want children. I do not have time to waste. There is someone out there to love me and my darkness and I’m going to find them. I never was one to take things sitting down.

Aside from that, I have been having immense back pain. Last Saturday, my sister actually had to drag me to the hospital. A fist full of ibuprofen did nothing to help me. I was laying on the ground crying because the pain was so bad and had lasted almost 3 hours. The doctor at the hospital could not determine what was the cause. He did not think it was my kidneys or anything, but rather something superficial. They gave me two shots in the butt, a muscle relaxer and pain meds, then sent me on my way. That muscle relaxer worked quick and I was passed out in bed in no time. 

Yesterday I got a chance to go to a chiropractor. She is also a nurse practitioner so it was really helpful to talk to her. She determined that the issue might be my shoes. Basically, I wear heels a lot, like 90% of the time. I wear them to work and I wear them out. Lately, though I had been wearing flats to work. This is due to laziness and depression. The doctor explained that my posture is different in heels vs flats and my back is not use to it. I did ask if the issue could be my hair, she stated no because then I would feel it in my neck. I asked if my large breast could be the issue. Again, she stated no because then the pain would be in my upper back. The shoes are the only thing that has changed within the last month that could be the issue. 

The good doctor did a back adjustment. Basically, everything in my back popped. It was amazing. She hooked me up to this machine that sends like shocks to your muscles. It was also amazing. She gave me a back brace, a giant icepack, and some cooling gel. Everything is amazing. Some unexpected costs but I feel so much better. I had some minor back pain last night and I slept with the ice pack. It was great. 

Feelings wise, I am doing better than last week. Still feeling a little tired and unmotivated, but less 😐. I think going through the back pain and coming out of it has kind of brightened up my mood. It showed me things can be worse, like being in actual physical pain with nothing to soothe it. I know this won’t last long though. I know next week I can very well be back at the 😐. But I’m not scared. I know I will get through it and I will keep trying to find my happiness balance. 

I start a new med this week. It’s called Vraylar. It is replacing my anti-psychotic, Latuda. I wanted a change because I was told Latuda causes weight gain. I was thinking maybe that is why I have gained so much weight the last couple of years. It started when I started taking Latuda. But my psychiatrist said Latuda doesn’t cause weight gain. She stated that sometimes Sertraline/Zoloft does overtime. I am a little bit confused but she changed my medication anyways. 

I am nervous about this new medication because you never know how it will affect you. You do not know if it will make things better or if it will make things worse. You don’t know what kind of side effects it can have on you. There have been some weird side effects I have seen on people. I have asked around and most people like Vraylar but it is still a fairly new drug. My doctor did say it works best for people who have heavily depressed bipolar like me. I will stay vigilant and report back on my experience. 

I want to end this post by saying:  MESSAGE ME IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE.  I have already had a few people reach out and if I don’t respond right away just give me time. I definitely will talk to you about your experiences and I wish you all the best. 🖤

[lookwhatilost]

i’m going to reheat some ancient tea for the elders here, and i’m not expecting anyone to remember this bc it was 5 years ago at this point and i never rly talk abt it. but this story is fucking wild so i may as well retell it, for the newbies and anyone who may have forgotten. i definitely think it’s peak tumblr insanity even though it was nowhere near as high profile as the bone stealing witch et al. apologies in advance for my recollection of this being an inchoate, stream of consciousness mess.

so. in 2015-ish i was. erm. involved w this girl, and she’d told me that some weirdo ass freak on here had taken some of her pictures and pretended that she was his dead ex-gf (“sam”). so i obviously went to gawk and not only was he face-claiming her, but he also had written her into this elaborate narrative abt a trafficking ring he’d Apparently been in as a child. and that her “sam’s” father was responsible for getting him into this. which was like... obviously a rly fucked up thing to lie abt. so we both bugged him to take the shit abt her down but instead of responding, he jst went on this dumbfuck public tirade abt how it’s fucked up to tell Victims(tm) that they’re faking it

so i dug up all this old shit on him (found him blogging on a MCR fansite in like 2011, when the events of his narrative were allegedly happening) and he had been posting a lot abt his Trauma, but it was abt an abusive psychiatrist and not... like... well... you know. i think the abusive psychiatrist was what actually happened tbh, but she was dead in that narrative too. “sam” died in 2010. “sam” died again in 2014. and every time he made a new profile online, he added more gruesome details to his story until it evolved into... child trafficking torture dungeon (where your abusers respect your pronouns). because that’s definitely a normal thing to make up and pass as something that happened to you. sam also was apparently a real person he knew and wasn’t close to, but her family had to threaten legal action against this guy bc he wouldn’t stop saying weird and crazy shit abt her family.

he’d also done this pictures stealing thing in the past w another dead friend he apparently had (“danny”), and got called on that before. said something that deflected all accountability – “you wouldn’t BELIEVE how traumatized i am and this is something i did to cope” –  i’ve seriously never seen a worse apology in my life. and continued to talk abt the danny thing anyway. 

anyway she ended up filming a video on her own blog jst of her saying “i’m not sam. fuck off” and people dogpiled on him, so he did something rly cool and rational – faked his own death. to the point where even his internet friends were under the impression that he’d actually passed.

he was still alive and jst remade his blog & fb, was still updating on amazon and liking shit on depop. didn’t do much to keep his cover. so i posted the receipts and they spread enough that people who’d talked to him on here were aware of what’d happened. some of his internet friends contacted me and told me that he’d made all these fake profiles and talked to them (& sent them letters? like physical letters?) as if he was “sam” and it was jst... what the fuck.

so the public shaming didn’t rly stop him or anything, and i didn’t rly think abt it much anymore, considering that everyone who defended and enabled him stopped doing that for the most part. though i did occasionally check his socials only to find that he made the trafficking narrative increasingly more graphic (now featuring cannibalism, bestiality, and more preteen pregnancy!) it wasn’t something that rly made sense to continue commenting on bc like... clearly this situation is beyond any delusion of hope.

so why am i talking abt it now?

well, i checked my messages on my other blog yesterday, and got some on the sideblog where’d i’d anonymously published the callout, asking me for any updates and telling me to take the blog down “out of respect”. so i googled his name and his obituary popped up. apparently he killed himself. i think i’m jst going to ignore the messages but. you know. two things

1) this is surreal. i dnt doubt that basing your entire personality on rly fucked up and deranged lies is unsustainable, but i never thought he’d actually go through w something like that

2) i dnt... think he’s deserving of any respect, death or not. there was something very seriously wrong with this guy, and he didn’t care that he was lying to or manipulating people who cared abt him if they gave him sympathy. he didn’t care that his libelous stories used real people’s names, people who threatened him w legal action. i’d never seen anyone w a fake trauma story use that to discredit actual trafficking victims... i dnt think i’ve ever met someone who was such a dyed in the wool piece of shit. and him being deceased doesnt change the way i feel abt it. shrug.