oldguy56-world

[oldguy56-world]

These Eyes

This will be the third blog I am writing about my eyesight. The first 'Lyin' Eyes' was in August 2021, followed up by 'Eyes Wide Shut' in September 2022. In the latter, which is coming up to its third anniversary, I stated that it might be time to go check on my prescription and it might be time to get new glasses. I have just done that. First lets talk about the eye exam. It was fine except for those puffs of air he kept puffing (hence the name) into my eyes. I would have smacked him but fortunately for him he was just a fuzzy blur. Then he put some drops in which I am quite certain contained some form of acid as my eyes burned instantly. Once I left his office I needed the assistance of my wife (who had a similar experience a couple of weeks ago although no drops were put into her eyes. I smell a conspiracy, sexism, ageism or some kind of ism. Not fair) to navigate my way home. We had walked to the place (lucky) and while I thought the mall was out of focus (more than usual) as we walked through it I was not prepared for life under the burning sun. I saw nothing. She did a great job of leading me home (either out of love or pity but I will take it) and after what seemed like an eternity things were finally back to normal. So what made me decide to put myself through this torture? So glad you asked. There were several incidents over the last little while that could be called indicators I needed a visual upgrade.

The largest font on my phone didn't cut it anymore. I grew tired of reading words one letter at a time. For those of you who text me this is why responses seem to take a while.

We were in a store (to avoid any type of showing favorites specifically because they refused to pay me for this endorsement we will call it Not Losers) and while my wife was trying on some clothes I got to talking to the guard standing outside the fitting room. When my wife came out she asked me why I was standing so close to a mannequin. Too bad. Good listener.

While strolling through a park one day (that sounds so familiar. Have I written that line before) I swear I saw an ostrich approaching us. When it was close enough it turned out to be a heavy set man with skinny legs, long neck, tiny head and wearing a ballcap.

We were running out of food. I knew prices of groceries had gone up but what I was seeing was ridiculous. Turns out I could not see the decimals. A can of beans was not $199. Thank goodness. I can eat again.

I picked up the wrong grandkid from pre-school. Twice. For some reason other parents (and the police) do not find this amusing. On my last written warning.

Menus in restaurants were an adventure. Didn't know what a medium rear sneak was but I didn't like the sound of it. Not that there might be anything wrong with that.

On another foray into the woods (yes we kept going) I thought I saw two snakes having sex. Turned out to be one snake and a stick. It is not my place to judge.

I could no longer see the labels on my underwear indicating where the back was before putting them on. Many times this caused the flaps to be in the back and can be problematic when you are out at the mall (another place we go to often) and you really need a quick trip into the facilities.

Maybe I should follow up with a hearing test so that I will know when someone shouts 'hey old man, bring back my kid!'

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Never put off until tomorrow something you might feel like doing some other day.

[oldguy56-world]

Our Day Will Come

If you are counting (and why would you) this is the 4th time I have had a blog with the word 'Day' in it. This is by far the most important because it is the one I am writing today. The reason for this particular celebration of a day is last Thursday. If you recall, or pay attention to these matters, July 31st annually is National Interns Day! I celebrated this day with my 7 interns (whom I mention not often enough) not under duress but rather because my wife said it was time to do so. (That might be the same thing but I will not argue the point.) They do a lot of the leg work for my blogs and each week spend countless minutes researching my topics and offering magnificent insight into content. Not knowing what would be the best way to properly acknowledge their contributions I threw some money at them. (I mean I really threw some money at them. They were gathered in a room and I tossed in some cash to split however they felt was fair). There were no complaints so I assume all went okay. Each of them went off to spend their new found wealth and this morning, when they showed up to work (I know it is a holiday BUT this is not National Intern's Day any more. That was last week) they shared with me how they spent their windfall. It was touching.

Toothless Tom bought 2 false teeth. One at the top and one at the bottom opposing each other. He said he always wanted to know what it was like to bite someone. The side benefit is that he can now open up a can of soup personally.

Loincloth Larry bought a Speedo and with what was left over several packages of condoms just in case. I am now afraid to bend over in front of him. If something is dropped on the floor it stays there. Just in case. I am running out of pencils.

John Smith bought a printer that makes real looking ID cards. We are all afraid to ask why. Side note: The burglaries in our neighbourhood have all stopped but there have been a lot of instances of mysterious blood stains popping up everywhere. The police arrived to see if anyone here knows about this. John answered the door. The cop who knocked took one look and said 'Sorry to bother you sir' and left immediately. We have not been bothered since. John has told my wife he will always protect her. When I asked 'What about me?' he just stared. Question period was over.

Cross-eyed Kurt bought binoculars. He can only focus them when one lens is covered. I asked why he just didn't buy a telescope. He said binoculars were less expensive. I hadn't thought of that before but now I am wondering why.

Ted Toke and Wendy Weed are still a couple but their Cannabis side business fell through. Since selling weed became legal their client pool dried up. They still had a lot of back inventory so instead of letting it go to waste they used it. They ended up spending their entire windfall on munchies.

Homeless Harry started the process for getting a new home. He used his money to buy a doorknob. He said next year he might buy the door to go with it. Eventually he wants to build his own place this way piece by piece. I will never get rid of him.

They are a loyal bunch and deserve to be treated well. I think I might occasionally do something for them. Before summer ends i will buy them a Batter's Box from Mary Brown's. Not individually but one to split. I know there are only six pieces of chicken in one and there are seven interns, but I have never seen John eat, Tom is still practicing with his new teeth, and Harry seems to like just smelling boxes food was in. Larry is watching what he eats to keep his Speedo body and should you give Kurt one biscuit he believes he has two. If I can just keep Ted and Wendy away until the others have their chance I think this will work out nicely.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: It is always important to recognize those around you that contribute to your success.

[oldguy56-world]

Tell Me Why

Am I stupid? (Please do not answer that question. Do not offer opinions or send me examples to offer proof.) I suppose I should rephrase the question. I suppose I could just erase the question but I always mess up deletions. (No that does not prove I am stupid. I think) There are questions in this world that I just do not understand and part of my life journey is to discover the answers. Some things I just do not care enough about to spend the time figuring things out like how they get the caramel in the Caramilk. I like the taste and that is all i need to know about that subject. No, there are more important issues (for me anyway) that I want answers to. I shall not rest until I am satisfied. If, in the course of your lifetime, you have discovered LEGITIMATE answers please share them with me. I shall reward you with a free subscription to not only this blog but also will send you a copy of my book 'How I Learned to Walk and Chew Gum Without Killing Myself in the Process.' FYI I am working on the sequel "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up.' All that aside please help me in unlocking the mysteries of life.

We were shopping last Friday and on display were kids distressed jeans. Why? Buy your kids a regular pair of jeans, send them outside to play once and you will not only have distressed jeans but you will have saved approximately $50 in the process. I recognize this involves convincing your kid to play outside and you letting go a bit but you can use the $50 towards therapy for one of you.

Why do fast food places offer deals and discounts to people on line but will not do it for the individual (I am talking me here) standing right in front of them? There is a good chance that the person walking to get to the place will live longer than someone living a sedentary lifestyle clicking on a logo. I will spend more money in the long run. (Wait a minute. I already am. Sneaky bastards)

If women live longer than men why do they always marry men older than they are? It cuts down on their time together. We go on vacation and often see a group of older women together at the resort but never the men. They are dancing, drinking and having a great time and...wait a minute. I think I just realized the answer to this one. Never mind.

There are numerous ways to fasten clothing together, so why is it standard to use the most dangerous one (zippers) closest to the most tender part of the male anatomy? I could live with the potential problem Velcro might cause there, and laces or buttons are extremely safe. Was the Zipper invented by a woman? (See above)

Why are all the lights green and there are no lines at the bank or grocery store when you are trying to kill time? When you are in a hurry every light is red and everyone ahead of you in line has coupons, wants to price match, can't figure out how to scan at the self checkout, or wants to pay with pennies? Yes I said pennies. They cleaned out their 75 year old piggy bank this morning knowing you would be behind them.

Why do you get invited out to supper on a night you have already been invited out by someone else? We can go 2 months with nothing to do and this will come up. The only thing I like more than food is free food. I feel the second person asking you out should send you a gift card or something like that.

Why do people ask you what you want for Christmas when they don't follow through? Disappointment sets in the second you see the gift box and recognize it is the wrong size for what you wanted. Just give cash and I will be happy to buy myself something I want. A gift card to Knitting World doesn't cut it.

Why is this thing on my foot still there after all these years? I leave it alone and it leaves me alone so I guess all is good.

Why are women so different from men? Don't hurt yourself trying to figure this one out. I learned to accept it as fact a long time ago. I find smiling and saying 'yes dear' helps you through most situations.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: If we had the answers to all of life's mysteries there would be nothing to look forward to.

[oldguy56-world]

The Bare Necessities

This is the companion blog to my September 2019 one called 'The Naked Jungle'. It took six years to get some of the images out of my head that I created during the previous blog but I am OK now. (I think). This follow up was prompted by a news item out of Pennsylvania where a group of nudists started a bowling league. Only thing I am certain of is that they were not Pennsylvania Dutch as they don't bowl. (Except Randy Quaid in 'Kingpin' but he was fictional and I digress). I don't believe the points I make here are repetitive but should one turn out to be remember that my brain went through COVID. In any event please proceed at your own risk. My advice is to read this with your eyes closed to prevent permanent damage to your psyche. I shall not be held responsible for any cranial problems created by self inflicted imagery. The following points are things that people should absolutely NOT do naked under any circumstances. I do not care how in shape you believe you are. Trust me on this advice.

Bee keeping. It is bad enough should you get stung occasionally or the bees set up a hive where you don't want them to. The worst danger is if you accidentally get honey on you. Reason: Bears.

Rodeo clown. You want to be careful not to get a rash on your behind as the red color will attract bulls. Also if you are a little on the heavy side you don't want them thinking you are a cow.

Olympic hurdler. Would be okay when you are younger but as you age gravity takes over. This would result in some dangerous dangling (great use of alliteration) for the male folk.

100 Meter dash. (for women) same rationale. Gravity will make it dangerous for whoever is on either side of you, and should two of you be in the same boat collisions are unavoidable.

Water skiing. Unless you want to experience a high speed enema don't do this.

Sky diving. The sound the wind will make whistling through now revealed orifices can be deafening. It might also attract falcons or hawks, both of which will be traveling faster than you do.

Lion tamer. Are you crazy? Shouldn't even do this fully clothed.

Playing goal in hockey. While you now have the five hole covered (see items regarding gravity) You better have a great glove hand or expect more bruises than a peach dropped from the third floor.

Hang gliding. Where do you plan on landing? The ocean? A wheat field? Concrete? Volcano? Pick your poison.

Window washer. I do not want to look out my condo window and see that, especially when they bend over to wet their squeegee. (that is not a euphemism.)

Waiter at a buffet. i go there to eat a lot, not throw up a lot. (although I could then eat more before throwing up more)

Pickle ball. I don't know exactly what this is but I understand it is a favorite activity of older people so please, please please: NO!

Do I even need to mention yoga? I guess I just did so erase that from your mind please.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Any activity can be fun but you need to be mindful of the effect it has on those not participating.

[oldguy56-world]

Schindler's List

There is a lot of hoopla in the news about whether or not a certain list actually exists. Based on the coverage it is receiving this is the greatest news item of the past two weeks. (That seems to be the average attention span for such things. Next week it will be something new. What you ask? Who knows?) My feeling on the subject is simple: whether or not it exists is not the issue. The issue (based on what always happens) is what the conversation is attempting to distract us from. I believe there are other lists out there that no one wants us to take a closer look at. After some extensive leg work by me (I stretched each of them several times while googling things) I have come up with a list of lists that are also being discussed and hidden, just not out in the open for various reasons. Walk with me (Actually read along) while I share my findings. If any of this makes sense to you please seek professional help.

Santa's naughty list. I have it on good authority that a very famous person has been top ten on that list for 79 years in a row (yes toddlers can be naughty) and is in line to be a solid #1 this Christmas.

The 10 commandments. It seems that every politician alive can check off a minimum of 8 of these that they have broken all by themself. The list of offenders is available at www.seeyouinhell.com #didntknowitwas wrong.

A current sitting president has amassed an enemies list that is so long it cannot be held on any laptop or it will crash the system.

FBI most wanted list. It was recently amended to show the most wanted Democrats as anyone affiliated with Maga or Republicans (aren't they the same group) has been pardoned. Interestingly it also includes foreign leaders whose crimes include not bringing gifts when visiting or refusing to give in during negotiations.

Craigslist. It turns out that ordering items from this list means you are part of a pedophilia ring. I thought I was buying a used toaster.

White House grocery list. This contains highly classified information into what is consumed in that building. Apparently they dug up Colonel Sanders and as a result the secret herbs and spices are listed.

Ben Franklin's list of 13 virtues. These are: Frugality, resolution, Temperance, sincerity, justice, moderation, humility, order, cleanliness, chastity, silence and hard work. None of these traits are welcome in Washington and exposing the public to them will make it uncomfortable for anyone elected.

Any award list where no one has the initials DJT. They do not exist until this oversight is corrected.

Fortune 500 list. It is not the list itself that is cause for it to be suppressed but rather what is says below that. Less than #500 does not matter.

List of American allies has been amended to a blank page.

Some things in general have been listed as obsolete like names of places. borders, the alphabet and how to nicely fire people. All in all there is much to discover in the world and we probably will never know what we don't know.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: The more things you try to hide the more people want to know about them.

[oldguy56-world]

Hidden Figures

Whenever I think it is hard coming up with something new to write about I take a quick peek to what our neighbors down south are up to. There's gold in them thar hills! I came across something called the Big Beautiful Bill. It is not, as you might think, some bragging done by an egotistical duck. (or maybe it is). No, they have packed so many things into one bill that the document is approximately 47,000 pages long. (give or take). It is interesting that the 'Bill that will change America' is so long that those charged with passing it by and large never read it in its entirety. They have their reasons: 1) Too many big confusing words like unconstitutional in it. 2) None of the pages have pictures on them. 3) It came out too close to vacation time so they had a deadline and their choice was to read or pack.

Now there is a great unknown by many down there as to what is actually coming their way. That is where I come in. I gave my interns the task of reading it and pulling out some tidbits. This was very onerous work and one was so distraught he attempted to kill himself by jumping out of his bedroom window. Luckily for him he lives in his parent's basement so the damage was minimal. After all of this, I have put together a listing of SOME of the hidden gems that no one will know about it until it bites them in their habeas corpus.

Perjury is no longer a crime and is actually encouraged.

All tanning beds must have a VIP setting of orange.

Happy meals must include a happy ending in their executive menu.

All debates in congress to be handled with a duel. Weapons to be supplied by the NRA. (muskets vs AK47s)

Members of congress get a cash bonus for every person in their district kicked off of Medicaid or Medicare.

It is illegal to Americanize your last name. Trump reverts to Drumpf (translates to dumb f#@k. he didn't think that through) and the VP becomes JD Buttlicker (Which is German for Butt Licker)

All banks must change from cash to Trump coin.

Auto-pardons for all registered republicans and billionaires.

Their new national symbol is the bald eagle giving the middle claw to the world.

Mandatory minimum age to become a congress person or senator is now 70. They will need to work with no Medicare or Medicaid.

All first born sons to be named Donald. Eric is strictly forbidden.

President holds veto power over anyone elected. He can just replace them with someone who pays him enough.

10% of all revenues the government takes in go directly to Trump Holdings. It is called the VIG clause.

Mar-a-Lago becomes an independent state with no taxes or extradition treaty with the U.S. Just in case clause.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: When signing anything always read the fine print.

[oldguy56-world]

High Hopes

This is an auspicious occasion so I am invoking a classic Sinatra tune. (Hey, if Kennedy can use it for his presidential campaign I can use it here). The reason for going big on this blog? It is #400 for me. Never thought I would do it. Never thought I wanted to do it. Never thought I had that many thoughts in my head.

Anyway, throughout history (at least recent history) hope has been a big part of our culture. Jack Johnson was the story behind the Great White Hope, even though he was not white. (remember last week? No one really is) He was as far from white as you can get but that is a tale for another time. We also had Obi Wan Kenobi, who was the only hope for the rebellion in a movie called 'A New Hope'. There is also the Hope Diamond whom I believe is the daughter of Neil who may or may not have sung classics like 'Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast' and 'Who Are You?' (I may be wrong on these but my interns are off for the long weekend and I have no way to verify). Finally, we have the granddaddy of all Hopes...Bob. All of this leads up to what I really want to discuss: what are my hopes. I know you all care about me and thank you for that. So here I am, baring my soul for all to see and judge. Please feel free to see but refrain on the judging part.

Each night I hope that I will wake up the next morning. This one is first because without it none of the others will happen. Or matter.

Each night I hope that when I wake up in the morning my bladder and bowels did not fail me during the night. I absolutely hate shopping for sheets. I just don't get thread counts. Is 60 good?

I hope that my pants never give out in public. That would be embarrassing, although I hope someone else's will. That would be very funny. (There are a couple of guys in the mall especially)

I hope my wife doesn't get new glasses. I really don't want her to know what I look like now.

I hope the Wizard of Oz visits Washington and brings lots of brains, hearts and courage to pass around. A semi trailer full is a nice start.

I hope they never lose the recipe for cheese balls.

I hope a publishing company discovers my writings and gives me big bucks to just stop.

I hope dinosaurs return and only eat bad people.

I hope in the next ten years my family comes to realize that I am not crazy, or an alien, or incredibly strange. After 10 years it will be too late as they will begin to exhibit the same tendencies.

I hope my interns remember where they work and come back after the holiday.

I hope the lottery commission realizes how much I have spent on tickets and gives me a rebate of some sort. I will accept a free ticket.

I hope someone, anyone, brings back $1 burgers. This would leave more money for lottery tickets.

I hope the hair on my head grows as fast and as thick as my toenails do.

I really hope I get more ideas. I have one in the chamber but it is designed to be my last and I don't want to use it yet.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: It is fine to have hopes and dreams but to be truly happy we have to learn to accept the reality that is ours.

[oldguy56-world]

Everyday People

Before I get into this week's topic, a few things to put right. First and foremost this is a nod to the great Sly Stone who recently passed. Thanks for the memories. Secondly I am officially losing it. I pride myself in not repeating titles and only slipped once, until last week. Not only was Fugitive a repeat title but the previous time I used it was only a couple of years ago. I must be absorbing brain altering gamma rays from outer space. Should this happen again I might have to consider hanging up my laptop (can you actually do that without all the data falling out?) and moving on to other endeavors. Third and most importantly I seem to have attracted a new follower. My empire is growing. I assume it is a female as the handle is 'Hottestgirls' although it might be one of my friends sharing a long held secret and this is his cry for help and understanding. In any case welcome aboard and you have a lot to catch up on. Please ignore the repeat titles.

Now down to business. Have you noticed that there seems to be a lot of people in the world these days? And a lot of them are young. When I was young there seemed to be a lot of old people but now the reverse is true. i thought people were having fewer kids these days. It seems that with the vast amounts of people around more and more do whatever it takes to get noticed, believing that is the key to happiness. Sorry but no. If you look around most of the happy people are just regular people. Average people. The reason is simple: There is less pressure on you to be average. Less pressure = happiness. (Money fits in there someplace as well but just forget for a moment that I even mentioned it.) Another reason for so many people being happy is that there are more stupid people. When you don't understand things everything seems fine. Here is a guide to spotting regular, every day people:

First of all realize that there are no white people. Seriously. If you doubt this buy a white t-shirt, wear it, and see if you meet anyone that color. (If you do, run as they are either an alien or a vampire). Everyone is a shade of beige. Some very light and some very dark. (Did I mention there are no black people either? Try the same experiment with a black t-shirt)

Average people are stuck in traffic with you, or crammed on the same bus. Granted some are crazy (watch how they drive) but there are levels of crazy. As long as they are not carrying a severed head they are regular folks. Just don't make eye-contact.

If you are out walking somewhere listen in on conversations for those around you but not with you. They are the most boring things to eaves drop on, although they seem extremely important to the person talking. (not so much for those listening as evidenced by their furtive looks for a way to escape the story). Their high light is finding a new spin on their work story or inventive ways to discuss the weather. Fascinating stuff.

They have jobs, or are retired. Regular folks realize they need food for their family and a place to live. (By the way when you are retired you have earned the right to judge others all the time)

Regular folks have hobbies, many of which might seem strange. Should you encounter someone who collects buttons there is nothing wrong with that. If they collect belly button lint and ask for some reconsider your relationship with that person.

Every day people come in all shapes and sizes naturally. They don't have so much plastic surgery they look like an example of very poor AI. Have you ever wondered what happened to certain celebrities? They are still around you just don't recognize them.

Every day people have middle fingers and know how to use them.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: There is nothing wrong with being a regular every day person. We need more of them.

[oldguy56-world]

The Fugitive

Surprisingly there was another tragedy in the states on the weekend involving guns. i will not go into the crime, but instead I will talk about what came after the crime. The perpetrator (excuse me the alleged perpetrator) took off from one of the scenes. This strategy seemed to befuddle the police who quickly put together a press conference containing approximately 47 members of various levels of law enforcement. My first thought was 'If all these people were out looking instead of talking about looking maybe he would already be caught'. Silly me. All took their turns speaking in a monotone saying (in different ways mind you) that so far they had no details to share, thus the need for a press conference. The only person that showed any signs of life during the presser was the guy in the corner doing the 'for the hard of hearing' translation. Boy was he animated. Anyway nothing happened until a couple of days later when they caught a break. They found his hat. Hours were spent discussing the importance of this and what it could mean (other than his head might be cold) They even emphasized that authorities were trying to find our where he is. (nice to know) Finally last night he was captured and today is being arraigned for murder and attempted murder. His hat faces charges of aiding and abetting. All this is not the focus of my blog. Originally when they released some information it included the warning not to approach as he was considered armed and dangerous. They thought he might be heading north, or possibly south, with a chance he went east or west. Then they proceeded to include in his description that he had brown eyes. How the heck would you see his eyes unless you approached? This information is absolutely useless. Here are some other things I would deem useless when an alert goes out about a fugitive:

If the fugitive dyes his hair we will be looking for someone with different color hair. Be wary of anyone with hair. (unless he shaves his head then stay away from everyone)

If they give his Zodiac sign. Meaningless unless he is a Virgo. Some of them are psychotic

If he is not found in three years he might have had a sex change so stay away from tall women.

In high school he was voted most likely to succeed. So far so good.

He has a tattoo of a butterfly on his left butt cheek. Only one that will see that is his special cell mate and that is after he has been caught so not really a help.

He enjoys fast food so at least that narrows it down to 98% of the population.

He has a gun. In most states that is everyone over the age of 11.

He cannot speak Chinese.

He snores when he sleeps and sometimes passes wind.

If you look at him and call him Gertie he will not respond

Wears boxers not briefs.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Being provided with bad information can be worse than getting no information.

[oldguy56-world]

The King and I

We recently had a royal visit by none other than King Charles (the royal formerly known as Prince). I was supposed to interview him for my blog but there must have been a mix-up as for some reason I was not granted access to him. It appears my interns forgot to book the session. I was prevented from seeing him by 4 men I assume were security. Hard to tell as they were not wearing the fuzzy hats I thought they would but given their accents and crooked teeth I knew they were British so I did not put up a fuss. I tried to talk my way past them by saying that I never write about royals (a lie) and that all of my blogs were serious, well researched articles. (a really big lie). None of that worked. In any case I gave them the link to my blog and told them I would be posting a series of questions and topics that I had wanted to discuss with his Royal Highness. I will await his reaction. (Kings can't order beheadings anymore can they?) Here they are in no particular order:

Is your head the same size as your mother's or is the crown adjustable like a cake pan?

I can't imagine waiting 50 years for a job to open up. I have a hard time waiting 30 minutes for a pizza to arrive. (Oh yeah, you got paid while you were waiting. That does make a difference.)

Camilla. Really? Why?

If we play chess and you lose do I get to knock you over?

Are we even allowed to talk about your brother Andrew?

Are you part owner of Chuck's Roadhouse?

What did you do with your mother's Corgis? I know you are happy that you don't have to walk them anymore and do the scoop thing just so you had a shot at the title. In a completely unrelated topic is that a new fur coat Camilla is wearing?

Is you son in the U.S. legally or is there a chance he will soon be sent back to live with you. That would be awkward.

You have another brother besides Andrew don't you? He is never mentioned. I can't recall his name. Can you?

What is your actual job description? I know there are lots of parades and waving but there must be something else you have to do regularly.

Famous couples always have a mash up name to identify them. Are you and Camilla called Charley-horse?

Can I borrow some money? You seem to have a lot.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: It is always important to make new friends.

[oldguy56-world]

Inherit The Wind

I mentioned briefly in my last blog about not leaving money for our daughters in a will. I realize that there are a lot of you out there that for whatever reason might not have money, or want to leave money, to your children. I am not here to judge, but to help ease that path. Personally I took this past week to look at ways to ease the pain of not leaving money should we choose not to or we don't have any left after we have lived our lives as fully as possible.

These are explanations that are ready to give our daughters should the need arise as to why there is no money for them when we are gone. I am writing these down because who knows how many brain cells I will have left in the future. Based on my current status I venture not too many,

While there is no cash we do have a storage locker full of Amway.

When I told you I was on Safari a few years back I was actually in prison. It cost a lot per week to keep Big Bad Bart away from me.

We are living to 100 and weed is getting more expensive. Don't be mad. The weed is the reason we are living to 100. I hope you enjoyed our extra time together.

The annual dues to the FFFOC are extremely high. (This is not the Foot Fetish Fraternity of Canada, it is the Fast Food Franchises of Canada. The first one does not collect dues.)

Sit them down individually and tell each of them that we secretly gave all of our money to one of our other daughters but she will never admit it to anyone.

Tell them that we listened when they told us to invest in Crypto several years ago but we forgot our access code to the account. There could be millions out there waiting but good luck coming up with the proper code. All I can remember is that it is 7 digits and has a combination of numbers and letters.

Having all of my body hair removed required a team of 6 specialists and cost a lot more than we planned for. (By the way I ran out of money before they finished both legs)

We gave all of our money to a televangelist BUT we are leaving them some t-shirts, mugs and a bible that was autographed by Jesus. (Apparently he only did 100 so the rarity makes them extremely valuable).

Only leaving money to people that changed our adult diapers so that excluded all of them. There was a homeless guy from the park across the street who did very well for himself.

There was this horse whose name consisted of the first letter of each of their names. Who would have thought this wasn't a sure thing?

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: We should always do what we can when we can. No one should expect more than that.

[oldguy56-world]

I Never Sang For My Father

This blog is not to be confused with my May 2023 edition called 'Never Say Never Again.' That one dealt with things I had done and would never do again. This one deals with things I have never done and unless something catastrophic occurs I will never attempt to do them* (* Please note that should any become a prerequisite to winning a lottery I will forgo my oath to forsake them. I like money.) Some might say that I picked this title because I was in the play (not the movie) that bears this name. I still remember the rave reviews I received for my performance:

The funeral director was played by **** *****. I was almost a star.

Anyway, I am sure you are all at the edges of your seats wondering what this wild man refuses to do. I hope this doesn't disappoint

I have never eaten at Chipotle. There are always line ups so it could be good but on the occasions we eat in the mall I always choose other places. Why? Coupons. Chipotle never has coupons or specials. As a senior either is mandatory before I give up my money.

I would never kiss a bear on the lips. I am curious though and I might use one of my interns to find out something for me: If you spread honey on your lips will the bear lick your face or chew it? I need to stand back and observe so that I know for sure.

I will never get a perm. This goes way back. One of my long time male friends did this and on his haste to show us how good he looked he got pulled over for speeding. When the officer got to the window he asked my friend 'Do you know how fast you were going ma'am?' The cop laughed so hard he let my friend go. Getting the perm wasn't the stupid part of the story, it was telling the rest of us about the policeman's reaction. I will never put myself through that.

I will never dance naked at a family wedding. (caveat here. If I end up with dementia this may happen but at least I will not be aware of it. Our daughters are safe but the grandkids might be at the marrying age when my mind is gone.) This is especially good since twerking became a thing.

I will never willingly disobey my wife. The key word is willingly. She will ask me not to make a mess because company is coming yet even just sitting in one spot or standing in a corner I am able to generate a mess. It is a gift.

I will never go to the Middle East. I am dark enough to be labeled an Arab yet light enough to be labeled not an Arab. Either way someone is likely to take a shot at me. (especially if they know me)

I will neve fire a gun. Unless there is a zombie apocalypse. Or an American invasion. Or to protect my wife and kids. I guess there is a chance I might eventually fire a gun. God help everyone.

I will never climb a mountain. I have a hard enough time with stairs.

I will never watch any of those 'Real Housewives' shows. (Unless that dementia thing happens and my family wants to get even for past transgressions and they wheel me in front of the tube for some nasty binge watching. This is why I plan on spending all of their inheritance money, just in case. If it doesn't happen, sorry.)

I will never make money singing, dancing or acting. If passing wind becomes a high paying spectator sport, look out.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: There is so much you can do with your life why spend time doing things that you don't enjoy, unless it is for someone else.

[oldguy56-world]

Under Pressure

Do not confuse this with my December 2019 blog Pressure. These are two completely different things. In today's world there are a lot of things that apparently put the younger generations under pressure (hence the title) but they have no idea the pressure we went through in our younger years. (I am talking post Stone Age but barely). Times were simpler but pressure was not. We had parents that would smack us if we did something wrong, regardless of where we were or who was around. The pressure to stay good for someone like me was unbearable. We were not allowed to debate the situation as that would only make things worse. (I do have to confess that I learned to bob and weave at an early age and I am not talking about doing hair in case you are wondering). I understand it is hard to relate regarding generational differences so let me enlighten the younger generations while taking a stroll down memory lane with my fellow Boomers.

Getting a date. You could not go on line, find someone with similar interests, get them to swipe right and meet up with them... No way. We had two methods. 1) Phone them and ask them out. This involved a very difficult set of tasks including finding their phone number (which could involve bribery of some friends) and then making that cold call. You were out there hoping for a yes. (If any of you were master of the 6 digit attempted call before bailing welcome to my world). 2) This one had greater potential for humiliation. You saw them at a school dance, bar, church function, in class and HAD TO MAKE THAT WALK ACROSS A CROWDED ROOM TO ASK THEM OUT. Believe me that walk back after rejection is even longer. (Helpful hint, although it is much too late, is to position yourself so that they are on the way to the washroom. that way you can convince your friends you just stopped to say hi before heading in to do your business). I put this one first on the list so that you understand why so many of my generation no longer has hair. Pressure.

You are successful in the above and then find out you only have $9 for food, gas and a date somewhere. We bowled a lot. Trying to impress them enough so that you get a second date...Pressure.

Before there was GPS you are trying to find your way to your friend's cottage when you realize there wasn't something quite right about that egg salad sandwich you ate. You think you can stop anywhere? Back then we still had a lot of bears in these remote areas waiting for people like me. Big and Juicy.

We had to memorize a lot of stuff because we didn't have a cell phone to put notes into. It was very hard remembering important things when your brain capacity was full of TV theme songs.

We had to polish our shoes all the time. "If you can't see your reflection in your shoes it reflects on your personality instead''. These words terrorized me for years.

If we didn't pay attention in class the teachers would actually fail us. (If you are unfamiliar with that concept please find an ancient text that explains it). There is nothing worse than taking a subject that you suck at two years in a row. (There was a mercy rule after that which eased a bit of the pressure.

Before Google, when you had to research a topic you needed to get to the library and hope no one else had taken the only copy of the needed reference material out already. This was especially difficult if you waited until the day before the assignment was due. This was called self inflicted pressure.

We moved out of our parent's places earlier on and found out that fridges are not magic and the food doesn't just appear. Money was needed. Beer money. Making decisions at a young age is difficult and can cause hemorrhoids. (See Preparation H commercials.)

You tended to have the friends you grew up with as there was no social media to find better people. Aiding and Abetting is also a felony.

Combining the first point and the last point. If you secured a date and it didn't work out. You were toast until you changed your name or moved to another city. Your neighborhood was now tainted as word would get around to all other available females. Since we had no way of meeting others (unless we went to a lot of bars, leaving no money for actual dates if you secured one) you had to wait 4 years (yes that is correct) until the next group of people was eligible for you to attempt to repeat step 1.

For the record, I have a couple of friends that got lucky the first time out and are still married to them. I have one that never married, and one that fled the area to find his love mate. As for me, eventually you get it right.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Every generation has their own pressure. What defines them is how they cope with it.

[oldguy56-world]

Conclave

Conclave conclave conclave conclave...Sorry I got that confused with all those Contrave ads I see on TV. I should be able to keep them separated. One is for a bunch of people that wear mumus all the time and the other is for people trying to lose weight. If you have been following the news there is a new pope. His name is Leo XIV (pronounced Ziv) We were a little disappointed at this because I wanted to throw my name into the hat or miter so to speak. My wife was looking forward to being a popette. But popes can't be married you say? History lesson that was not always the case. They were married at the beginning but it stopped after a while. All it took was one bad mother-in-law and voila, problem solved.

Pope Bob (sorry Leo) seems like a decent guy so I harbor no hard feelings. I wish him all the best for all of us. All that aside, if you are not Catholic (or even if you are) there are some things you might not know about the entire process. I have dusted off my catechism and will now bring you closer to the situation.

Pope Facts

They were torn between an Italian and an American for the job and originally they were thinking of Rudy Giuliani. They found this was contrary to church doctrine because there is a clause about electing a vampire as a pope. Something to do with the holy water.

Similar to above they looked at DiCaprio. He already had the right first name but when he heard there was a vow of chastity involved he said no thanks.

They started looking at someone who had seen more of the world and thought that Popeye, being a sailor, would fit the bill. He only had to remove the last two letters from his name to use the official pope stationary. Unfortunately his forearms would not fit into the Hassock.

Did you know there were two pope John-Pauls back to back? First one only lasted 33 days and since all the stationary had been already printed the 2nd one had no choice but to take the name.

Curious observation. They had two John-Pauls but no George-Ringos. Those two never got the same amount of respect.

Back in the day (middle-ages) they had a conclave that lasted 3 years. Only thing that brought an end to it was the fact the peasants told them they were going to bring no more food, and since Uber Eats was not around yet they finally elected a pope.

The actual process is a secret. All I could find out was that there is some kind of dance-off involved and a secret handshake when it is over.

Up to now there have been 266 Popes in 2000 years. This is about one every 7.5 years. Might have something to do with the fact the average new pope is 97 years old.

Finally I have to dispel a vicious rumor. There is no truth to the story that there is a connection between the popes making a name change and the witness protection program.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: When there is a lot of bad things in the world let's celebrate some of the good things when they happen.

[oldguy56-world]

Bad

I am confused. Not in the 'oh he forgot to take his meds again' way, but in the 'when did that happen' way. When I was growing up (and to clarify for our girls that was not prior to WW1) there was a definite distinction between good and bad. First of all there were the words. Good meant good and bad meant bad. That was simple enough. Also in movies the good guy wore white and the bad guy wore black. The people putting movies together understand that we are a simple folk and that simple wardrobe choices made it easier for us to follow along. Then it happened. Somewhere along the line the word bad meant good and the word good, well it just sort of went away other than when people say 'No thanks, I'm good.' Not sure what this exactly means unless what is being offered is only for bad boys and girls. Even some of our phrases favor bad over good. In movies they are constantly calling someone a bad ass, but I have never heard anyone called a good ass. Not sure what a good ass would even be. (Rona has invented the half ass commercial but that is a tale for another day.)

Since it has become exceedingly difficult to come to grips with what things are really bad (and I don't mean new speak good) I feel it is time to provide some delineation. (Yes I learned a new word. Pretty bad right?)

Not showering before going on your first date is bad. Bad bad. When a woman says she likes to date the bad boys she is not referring to their smell.

Emptying your bank account because the Reverend Billy-Bob Baker tells you Jesus wants you to buy him a new jet, well that is bad as well. If Jesus were to ever talk to the good reverend it would be to let him know they are reserving him a space in the after-life that is considerably warmer than he is accustomed to and to dress accordingly.

Strangers that come up to you and say you are their long lost father and they need some money are probably bad. Ask for a photo of their mother (when she were younger of course) to see if you might recognize her.

If you are driving along minding your own business and you see a police car behind you with their lights flashing, speeding up just for fun is bad. They are not all in a fun mood for the thrill of the chase.

If you are watching the news and the newscaster says 'the alleged victim was found with 11 bullets in them' whoever passed that person in journalism school is bad. They need to get a refresher on their definitions.

Anyone who tries to tell you that a sketch artist during a trial is an integral part of the proceedings is maybe not bad but certainly stupid. (is bad a synonym for stupid? hmmm)

A dog licking itself is just being a dog. If they immediately come over to lick your face afterward they have warranted the name 'Bad Dog.'

Any food or liquid in a jar that makes you throw up when you take the lid off is really bad. (This is worse when the container is plastic)

Eating a dozen pickled eggs before you get into a car for a long road trip with friends, that is really really really bad.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Is it a bad habit if it makes you feel good and doesn't hurt anyone or just a habit? Something to think about.

[oldguy56-world]

Cat's in the Cradle

If you are like me (and I am truly sorry if you are) you will find yourself being inundated with lots of information on the internet. There are many times the title of an article fascinates me so I open it up and read it. Other times, no thank you. This past week there was one that caught my eye but I refused to go down that rabbit hole for many reasons. The main one stemmed from the fact that if I did not read it I could write this blog using my own thoughts without any outside influence. What was this article pray tell? It was called:

PROVIDING AN EMOTIONAL SAFE SPACE FOR YOUR CATS.

I kid you not. First off I do not believe cats have emotions other than feeling superior to everything else on the planet. Far be it from me to look down on the little furry critters for that. I believe all creatures need an emotional safe space. Question is: how do you make one for cats? Well, I believe I have come up with a framework completely on my own. Hop aboard Mr. Toad's wild ride for this one.

Don't bring a dog into the household while you have a cat. We had both at one time and the dog is the antithesis of making a cat feel safe. Ever. Any cat that has IBS or is losing their fur in clumps was probably exposed to a dog or two over a period of time.

Don't bring a small child into the house while you have a cat. Kids are curious about things like 'will this pencil fit into the hole at the end of a cat's tail?' I know I am stressed whenever I go to a proctologist and I certainly don't feel safe there.

Make an entire room a litter box. Make it relaxing for them. Put in soft lights and music, maybe a magazine to read. This will allow them to do whatever it is they do during the day with no fears.

Make sure you have at least one very large wall with nothing on it. No windows, pictures or even furniture pushed up against it. This will allow them to stare at it endlessly and use their imagination. They do this now but make it an even greater experience.

Put out enough food to last a week so they will not be stressed waiting for that timed feeder to open up. (If you do this you must do the room sized litter box idea. Trust me.)

Don't put clothes on them! Are you trying to make them happy or you happy? I have never seen a happy cat with a costume on. (I mean them having a costume on. I tend to dress up a lot)

Do not own a rocking chair. This is not only unsafe for them but you better have long pants on if you don't want to bleed to death.

Never approach a cat. They will come to you if they ever feel the urge to do so.

Try explaining to them what a laser pointer really is. Good Luck.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: We should never try to figure out how another species thinks until we have mastered figuring out how humans think.

[oldguy56-world]

My Generation

Yes, I am 'Talkin' about my generation.' (See what I did there). This is not the first blog I have posted with a title courtesy of the Who, but not sure if it will be my last. Maybe if I meet someone named Tommy or Baba O'Riley (actually I would rather meet Baba's glue sniffing parents to find out why they named him that) I will. I have given up hope of ever encountering a Pinball Wizard for one simple reason: pinball requires standing up for periods of time. Those of us that grew up with the game just don't have the stamina anymore, and the young'uns, well I lost them when I said they had to stand up.

So what exactly am I writing about this week? Generations. It is right there in the title. I will offer my view on the various known generations and even though we all know before hand which was the best, you can be the judge. I will provide a fairly unbiased look at some of what life has to offer. Sit back, relax, and don't take offense.

1925-1945 The Silent Generation. These were my parents and the parents of any of the best generation ever. Hard working people who raised the best of the best. Why were they the 'Silent Generation'? Let me put it this way. My father didn't say much but he would give me a look should I stray from what was right. If I missed that look I would get a smack in the head. They were silent but deadly. (a phrase that was later stolen for passing wind)

1946-1964 The Boomers. A highly intelligent group of individuals who nonetheless also produced some major a-holes. Each group has their cross to bear. Unfortunately most of those politicians still working beyond their best before date fall into this group. The rest of us use our energy yelling at the TV. We also are not comfortable with neither change nor electronic things, so stop changing what our phones can do please.

1965-1980 Gen X. These people are Boomer wannabes. They refer to OUR music and OUR best TV shows as theirs hoping the younger people can't do the math. (sadly this is working) They even produced That '70's show pretending it is a reflection of their own teen years. I was a teen then. The show missed a lot of what really happened. They are even taking early retirement so they can hang with the cool kids. Us.

1981-1996 Millennials. I have to be careful here because all of our daughters fall into this category. Let's just say that whatever my observations are about this group do not apply to our girls because they were raised right. In fact most millennials were raised by Boomers so what went wrong? All I can say is that there were a lot of drugs around in the 60's and 70's so obviously that may have come into play here. I believe this group grew up too fast to help take care of their parents. Having said that would it kill them to save some money? And never talk politics with them. Trust me.

1995 -2012 Gen Z. This is not a typo. For some reason there is an overlap of two generations in 1995-1996. That can lead to some strange behavior. (not for our youngest who is from that time). These people are easy to spot from a distance by how slowly they walk through an intersection while traffic is waiting. Also if you see an Uber Eats bring a bag from directly across the street to a condo I will bet anything the person coming down to collect it is a Gen Z. They can never find a job because they only want one where they don't have to work up a sweat. Don't get me started on spelling. And do they know they can buy regular jeans fairly cheap and rip the knees through wear? Just saying.

2013-2025 Gen Alpha. These people have not fully formed yet. Can't fault the little ones because they are just too darn cute. The older ones have just learned how to use electronics so no telling where they will end up. Jury is out on them. If they are learning from Gen Z God help us all. For best results let them spend a lot of time with their grandparents providing they are Boomers.

????-???? Gen Beta (I am assuming) Not sure when it will start but I know one thing, they will have thumbs but no fingers to oppose them. They will be able to text but using a tool will be beyond their capability, Either this generation or the next one (Gen Omega- and yes I mean that sincerely) will have limited spoken language and spelling and math will be lost skills. There will be some rare ones who can transcribe the words of Bob Dylan, or better yet read my blogs to those that will listen. They should be revered.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: While not all change is good remember that not all change is bad either.