#my partner never had any interest in opening our relationship which is mostly the thing that is making things difficult for me to talk

[that-little-shit]

vent sort of

I've been thinking about me not being monogamous for a while now but idk

currently the pros of not changing anything are way better than the cons

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen! i've know im a lesbian since I was 12, but because of my problems with socializing i've never actually had ANY romantic interactions(my lesbianism making things even harder, as you can imagine)

i'm almost out of high school and going to college, so i'm feeling very down about missing out on teen romance but dont want the same thing to happen again. do you have any tips on what i can do to avoid this problem in the future? i am genuinely clueless on what to do when looking for a partner, really

even if you dont actually have any advice to give i still really love your blog, it reminds me that lesbians can actually grow old and live happy lives💖💖thank you for hearing me out and i apologize for any grammar mistake!!

This is pretty easy because, while it was pretty outgoing and friendly, it was often not as my full self. I kept my horse girl, lesbian, butch and weird music and hobby side of myself under wraps from most of my friends. I had no word for lesbian or butch but my high school best friend knew I probably liked girls, we just never discussed it and it didn't bother her. It might have been harder on our friendship had I tried to come out in the 80's, not because it bothered her but the insinuations of all the others about our relationship would have been A LOT for a high schooler.

I waited until after college graduation and I used to sometimes look back and wonder how many times I missed out kissing a girl in high school or other women in college. How had twinges of regret for not having sex or even attempting intimacy with women.( I mostly avoided boys too because ew)

As I was sitting in a miserable passionless marriage to my wife of 17years, I pined for that passion and tingle that i had with my first girlfriend from ages 23 to 30. How many times did I miss that feeling with girls in my high school or college or at summer jobs because I was unsure of myself and not confident that any woman would find me attractive. I was even unsure if loving a woman was something I could do. Was it a real thing?

Looking back now I realize I just was not ready and most of my young friends in high school were not ready for me to be out and opening attracted to the same sex. I had fun in high school, made friends and had a small group of girls I was very close to. I enjoyed those friendships perhaps because I did not come out and cause those bonds to be strained.

In college I was concerned how my parents would react and I was in no way independent from their financial and emotional support. My friends were all around me experimenting with their sexuality and I was watching from outside, really wanting what they had but not willing to give up my security and college education to be open about being a lesbian. I knew I could just "do it and hide it" but I was not built for the stealthy life. I know if i was loving loving women it would be hard to be quiet.

Here is the point I am getting at with the sharing of all these experiences. If you were not ready to act on dating and attempting to date it is probably good that you listened to yourself. We are not on a time line and many young people feel pressured to date when their confidence, sexual maturity and social skills are not ready yet which can lead them to be vulnerable to abusive, controlling or unhealthy relationships. It is hard to listen to your own intuition and set and keep boundaries when you are trying to date just to not be the only one not dating.

What you more likely missed out on was not the thrill of dating but the hassle of pretending you want to date when it didn't feel right, at all.

You are heading to college. You are now becoming interested in the excitement of dating on your own and not because others think you need to date. You are craving the touch, the tingly feeling and the companionship of women. These are all good signs you are ready to date.

My advice:

1.Be honest with yourself and then her (your date) every time. Do not go on date number two if it does not feel right. If you are unsure go on another date but continue to listen to yourself.

2.You deserve passion and mutual excitement to be in the company of a woman. If one of you do not feel it, move on.

3.Do not stick to a relationship because it is "ok" or she is "nice" . You have the right to sexual, emotional and intellectual stimulation. Look for it and don't settle.

4.There will be other women so don't cling to the first one or the one willing to stick around just because she is there. If you don't feel all the afore mentioned excitement, be honest with yourself and her and move on.

5. Dating a woman with whom you share many wonderful moments and lots of joy does not mean you will be together forever or have that expectation. Short term love is a thing and neither of you are failures when that fades out.

6. Ask her. If you see a woman that interests you be clear that you would like to take her on a date and you have romantic interests. Don't be vague or try to use hints. This leads to miscommunications and false expectation every time.

7. Finally, use all the dating and flirting and breakups and heartbreaks and joy and fun and memories to form who and what you are looking for as a partner. All that experience is giving you a better idea on what makes you truly happy.

You missed out on nothing. The adventure is just beginning and it can start with a simple "Hi, I think you are cute. Would you be willing to go on a date with me?" She might say "no", but she MIGHT say "yes".

[quietasides]

Hi love, first I want to say you don't have to answer me with a long essay or something, but I just want and need your opinion on something since you have been here since 2013 which means you're a veteran larrie. Could you please answer in private :)

There aren't many larries from those days left and I completely understand why. The fandom is becoming a mess. I would just like your opinion on one subject/aspect of Larry.

I have been back and forth analyzing stuff before but mostly after 1D took their hiatus. Louis' and Harry's lyrics, behavior, and signaling and I just don't understand it anymore. The new influx of larries think L and H broke up multiple times and had other relationships, but I don't know anymore.

Something inside me tells me that isn't what happened, but with their lyrics and everything else (stunts), I feel like I'm in the minority. That's why I would like to ask you one question, you can simply answer with a yes or a no. I'd love it if you could share your ideas or elaborate more, but I know not many larries like and feel comfortable sharing their ideas anymore....so please do so, if you can.

Do you think Louis and Harry have taken breaks/broke up since 2010 (with taking breaks I mean L and H still have a relationship but taking time apart and breaking up is self-explanatory)? And do you think they have slept/been with other people since 2010?

Hello! Thanks for your ask. I don't have a problem stating my opinion publicly. Do I think Louis and Harry have taken breaks or broken up over the past thirteen years, and do I think they have had a monogamous relationship throughout that time?

I think it's absolutely 100% impossible for any one of us here on tumblr to claim we know what's going on with Louis or Harry, together or separately, never mind open-to-interpretation clues and lyrics and imagery. It seems to me that it was a strategic business decision to utilize "Larry" signaling, and it serves a dual purpose of both promoting interest and offering a sort of smokescreen for whatever sort of private lives Louis and Harry lead. I think they're very smart to keep ambiguity around the situation, because I think it allows them a lot of privacy.

I've lived for enough years to know that people grow and change, relationships evolve, partners stay, partners go, deeply committed relationships fail for all sorts of reasons and thrive for just as many—so, really, hell if I know what's gone on behind anyone's closed doors, much less a couple of artists I've never met! I haven't been active in fandom since 2019, when I entered graduate school to get my masters in counseling, so I can state with absolute confidence I have no idea what's going on with their relationships and that really any stance is JUST AS VALID.

It's totally fun to speculate and enjoy analyzing stuff, and it's fun to gather "proof" etc.

People in a successful relationship have determined between them what works for them. Any relationship has its own course and only the people involved know what goes on. Ethical non-monogamy is perfectly acceptable; it's open and honest and no lying is involved. With cheating, there's lying and concealment, which damage a relationship and make it unsustainable without a lot of work to regain health.

I have no idea what's gone on between Louis and Harry, and where things stand between them in 2024. I do know that when they met, in 2010, Harry at 16 and Louis at 18 were not even halfway through their adolescence, which the latest research shows doesn't end until our mid- to late-twenties. Now, almost 14 years later, they are both adult men with a fair amount of life behind them. They now know themselves in completely different ways than they did then, when they were just beginning the journey of growing up.

I hope for each of them, both of them, that they are enjoying living contented lives in just the manner they would like, that they feel healthy and loved and okay just as they are, together, separate, whatever.

I hope that you, dear ziamswitchcraft, enjoy speculating and interpreting symbols and choosing for yourself what you think is true, with the kind understanding that it could only ever be partially true, and could well be false.

[canayams-art]

"i don't need anyone fighting my battles"

"no, but someone should have your back"

STOP STOP THIS IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!

i absolutely adore your take on the situation! i also feel like mq would have such a hard time believing lqq being genuine, especially if this would be during the time they would be fighting. and while mq doesn't see himself through the eyes of those who judge him, he still thinks even those who don't think the same. lqq meanwhile doesn't have much of information on mq and xl's relationship so perhaps he would get more curious about it seeing the way mq reacted to the situation.

however i look at it i don't think qianqing would have much issues with their relationship/friendship simply because they would end up talking about the issues at some point, because neither of them are weighted by shared or complicated history, the power imbalance doesn't really exist between them so it wouldn't play that much of a role in their issues, and both of them are stubborn enough to keep trying to make it better when things go south. maybe the topic of morality would be an issue, but seeing as both of them are generals and know war, i don't think the topic would come up all that often. and if it does, mq doesn't strike me as someone who would deliberately take jabs at lqq's ways of dealing with things and would let him do his thing voicing his thoughts (he did deal with both fx and xl's idealistic views after all) and lqq would at least demand mq's explanation before jumping his throat about his ways being "conniving".

ooooh lqq and mq meeting while lqq is in the pursuit of revenge and mq maybe potentially after he escapes the prison 👀 you're giving me so many ideas i can't even put them all in order lol

no no i enjoy an occasional qianxiu cameo! actually the reason why your account brought my attention was that ship since i myself never could get into qr x lqq one. im like super casually into them but i can get behind your vision

ah im still kinda getting used to new uni, so i dont think i will be able to write anything in a while, but our discussions have opened my eyes and brain and i don't think the ideas i have for them will be leaving soon. i will let you know how it goes when i finally get something concrete because i don't think i will rest peacefully until i make something for qianqing :"))

btw have you decided whether you're participating in the weekend lqq/sqx event? the prompts seem cute from what ive seen

Now I’m just thinking about the more mundane sides of their relationship. Like when all of the tension of their previous circumstances is gone and over with, they could really have one of the most sincere companionships in the heavens. I mostly think that way about any relationship where lqq is involved but it’s especially refreshing to imagine with mq who’s never really had that for himself in the way most of the other gods have. Mq deserves a confidant and lqq would be such a positive person for mq to learn to open up more with.

I definitely think they’d have a liveliness to their relationship— lqq seems like the type to lose interest and drag out his formal duties (paperwork, organizing, etc), which mq would absolutely get on his case about. Attendants wouldn’t even be able to formally announce mq’s arrival without lqq trying to find ways to avoid mq for the dread of being dragged back to his duties by the ear. Meanwhile mq would give lqq an earful about how childish he’s being (even if mq may or may not be going along with lqq’s game of avoidance) and eventually sit down with lqq to make sure he finishes what needs to be done.

On the other hand mq is always so distant at festivals and events— always solitary with his martial training and meditations. Lqq is a noisy disruption from the norm but he makes a good sparring partner. Somehow they both find each other’s martial styles familiar (it’s the xl conditioning but neither of them know that yet). Lqq is far from besting mq but I think he would be a good sport about it— mq leaves him in the dirt more times than either of them can count but lqq always grins and leaps back to his feet for another determined round.

There would be quiet, comfortable moments too but those seem somehow more rare and more special for them.

Anyway—! I would LOVE to see fy!mq run into lqq while they’re out trying to solve their individual problems in the mortal realm. Maybe lqq wouldn’t recognize mq at first— maybe mq wouldn’t want lqq to recognize him. But despite that possibility I still think it would be interesting to see mq try and convince lqq as fy to take a different path,,, even if he fails to dissuade lqq.

I just love having these talks though!!! And I get where you’re coming from. It feels out of place to be someone who likes lqq but doesn’t necessarily like qiurong. No hate or judgement here though— it’s just not for me! And since lqq’s presence in the plot is very limited it’s both a blessing and a curse cos it means so much about him is a mystery BUT!! it also means interpreting how he interacts with other characters is free real estate 😂 I love the creativity that comes from the circumstances!

And I’ve decided I want to participate in the lqq/sqx event but I haven’t decided what prompt(s) I wanna draw for yet. That’s something I’ll figure out soon huhuhu

[rosaliesea]

TASK ⦂ THE INSPIRATION BEHIND.

TRIGGER WARNINGS — mentions of depression, car accident, and the death of a child.

I initially dreamed up Rosalie as a muse for another (now closed) group; at the time, I was writing the prickliest porcupine muse who was absolutely disastrous at interactions with other human beings. While it made for incredibly fun angst and heavy threads, it was also hard to go with the flow and let threads carry themselves the same way they would with a muse who was open to anything from the get go. I also really wanted to play an older muse, as I'm not really up to date with the "new" faces floating around the RPC that are under the age of, like, 27. I grew up with most of these 30+ faces, so that's who I tend to write for. I also almost have to have some kind of attachment to the faces I write, because it makes it a hell of a lot more fun for me to write them. Hilarie's a face I've been dying to use ever since I met her, so that was, essentially, the foundation of how Rosalie came to be. And then, the typical life cycle of any Tumblr roleplay completed itself and the group closed, so I had some time to somewhat sit on this character that I'd started but had yet to develop.

Something that's really important to me whenever I create characters to write in a roleplay setting is that I try not to expend all of their "moments" in a backstory. Meaning: I've been in places with partners who have all of the interesting meat of a character in their character's history, and they don't expound on any of it whenever they write them in present. Obviously, I think you can absolutely have well-rounded and interesting characters without a dramatic backstory or future plots lined up, but the fun of writing for me is what's to come and what I can create with other writers. I'm a dramatic bitch. I live for angsty threads, I live for solid development. It's how I keep the excitement in writing a muse alive and fresh. One theme I knew I wanted to dig into with Ro's character was the idea of closure and new beginnings, the idea that a person's life is split up into many different lifetimes categorized by the things that they go through, the places they go, the people they become. I don't think I've ever written a character that doesn't also share depression with me, mostly because it's something that is so personal to me and one way that I choose to deal with it is by exploring it in the many faces it takes. And, of course, I very easily could have written depression into Ro's backstory in a very "normal" manner, but again... hi, I am dramatic, so it had to come about in a different way. I've written a few stories before that deal with the grief of losing a child and for Ro, it almost made sense to give her as a piece of her story. She's the mama bear without a cub, and I felt it explained so much of the way she nurtures those around her, the way she takes time and intent to nourish her relationships and make sure that the people she loves know she loves them. I also loved the idea of her constantly shedding her skin, becoming someone new in each chapter of her life while also staying the same to some degree. It's probably my favorite Taylor Swift quote of all time: "I'll never change, but I'll never stay the same, either."

Ro's a muse that is a lot unlike myself, which tend to be the muses I enjoy writing the most, because I learn more about the other joys in life. Ro's certainly taken a few things from me, like her love of making little gifts for other people for no reason at all, our irrational dislike of birds, and how she loves her people with everything she has. I'm not one who will immediately go outdoors when the weather's beginning to warm up, I'm not a fan of beer in the slightest, and I'm nowhere as good with my hands as Ro is, but she brings me a new appreciation for those things. She's also really fun to write because she has quite a bit of history, but tons of possibility for the future, even if I don't decide to do anything major with her character. She was an A+ fit for this group because her way of life is perfectly suited for the vibes I get from Merrock as a whole: laidback, take it easy, comfy and cozy in that cottage core type of way (if you know, you know!). Ro's my hippie witch baby, so when I took in the rural countryside area of Merrock + The Garden, it was almost as though they were waiting for her to step into frame :')

And yes, I've built her based off of a few of my all-time favorite characters in media ever: Leigh Shaw from Sorry for Your Loss (Elizabeth Olsen is a marvel in everything she does but her performance in SFYL is literally unreal), Izzie Stevens from Grey's (before the writing went downhill and she started having ghost sex), Michelle Simms from Bunheads (my favorite show of all time if you have yet to watch it, it's a MUST), and Piper Halliwell from Charmed. I'm always inspired by the things that I consume, so it's not really a surprise that I see echoes of them in Ro.

[kpopfanfictrash]

Raise the Barre (Ch. 7)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: Jimin / Reader

Rating: 18+ (Eventual Smut)

Genre: Enemies to Lovers / Dance Academy!AU

Warnings: mention of vomit, intense physical training, blood blisters 

Word Count: 6,829

Summary: You and Park Jimin have been rivals for as long as you’ve known one another; ever since he tripped you in the front row of your first dance convention. When you graduate from high school and enter Russet Ballet Academy, you tell yourself you’re leaving all past quarrels behind. The main problem with this though, is that your past seems determined not to leave you alone.

Worse still, the obstacles you face while out in the real world might prove more challenging than anything your enemy has to offer.  

Fifteen minutes later, Jimin pulled to a stop at the edge of the curb.

Stepping from the sidewalk, you hastened to the passenger side and opened the door. Your wait had mostly been uneventful, but you hated standing alone in the dark for any longer than necessary. Sliding into the passenger seat, you pulled the door shut and turned sideways to face him.

“Thanks,” you exhaled, seeing him for the first time tonight.

Jimin looked sleepy, as though your call had woken him up – which it probably had, since it was near 1:30 AM. Yesterday when you spoke, Jimin had said he planned on going to bed early. He was dressed in what Noelle would’ve called a groutfit – grey sweats, grey hoodie and silver-framed glasses. You blinked at these, not having realized Jimin wore contacts.

“No problem.” Jimin stifled a yawn. “Seat belt.”

“Huh?”

“Put on your seat belt.” He nodded at the strap by your side.

“Oh – right.” Hastily, you pulled this across your chest. “Thanks.”

Silence fell as you did, the awkwardness increasing with each passing second. Usually, you were better about things like car safety, but everything about this moment felt surreal. Jimin had given you his number barely twenty-four hours prior – you highly doubted this was what he had in mind when he said he’d call.

“I’m sorry,” you blurted, unsure what to do.

Jimin’s lips twitched. “It’s fine, Y/N.”

Glancing his way, you found Jimin’s profile dimly lit by the streetlights. He sat spread-legged in the driver’s seat; one hand placed casually on the shift. When he caught you looking, Jimin arched a brow and shifted the car into drive.

Pulling from the curb, he merged into traffic headed away from the club. As the bright lights of Excelsior disappeared into the rearview mirror, the cars on the road became few and far between. You drove in silence, city lights striping Jimin’s profile in black and white.

Finally, he cleared his throat. “Is everything okay?” Jimin asked, too casual to be normal.

It took you a moment to answer.

Usually, you would’ve responded yes even if it weren’t the case, since no one truly wanted to hear about your problems. Asking someone how are you? in the city was the same as a nod hello. It wasn’t genuine interest in another person’s well-being.

Tonight though, your usual responses caught in your throat. Tonight, you felt tired, frayed and dangerously thin at the seams.

Everything was not okay, and you weren’t sure how to say otherwise. Your usual walls had been torn, leaving you with this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Your fight with Finn had been a big one, even worse than the argument a few weeks ago.

Still, Jimin was a newer friend to you – if you could even call him that. It wasn’t fair to unload all your problems on him. Especially at such a late hour and especially not when he was the one doing you a favor.

“Yeah,” you said at last. “Everything’s fine.”

Jimin paused, as though he knew this to be bullshit.

“Let me rephrase,” he said, shifting in his seat. “Anyone’s ass I should kick?”

You laughed a little, surprised by his threat. “No, no,” you said, shaking your head. “Nothing like that.”

“Good.” Jimin’s smile faded. “So, what happened then? How’d you get stranded?”

He didn’t ask why you called him, but the implication was clear in his voice. Honestly, it was a question you had no good answer to. All you knew was when you were standing on the curb, staring at your phone and wondering who to call, Jimin was one of the first people to pop into your mind.

“I was out with my boyfriend,” you sighed. “I said I’d go to the club with him and his friends, but it got late and we have class tomorrow, so I told Finn I wanted to leave. He… didn’t.” Pausing, you swallowed. “I ended up leaving, but I didn’t realize the trains had stopped running. Uber surcharge was ridiculous, too.”

“Oh.” Jimin’s grip on the wheel tightened.

“Anyways.” You slouched lower in his seat. “You’re the only person I know with a car, so…”

“Ah. Right.”

Curious, you glanced sideways. Although Jimin was responding in one-word answers, they seemed somehow loaded, as though they contained hidden meaning. Even his profile seemed cautious, full of a tension you couldn’t quite place.

Jimin frowned. “Your boyfriend just… let you leave like that?”

“He didn’t let me,” you said as you straightened. “I can make my own decisions, Park.”

“I know, I just…”

“You just what, Park? Spit it out.”

“I don’t know.” Jimin shrugged. “It just seems kind of cold. That’s all.”

“Yeah, well.” Truth be told, it seemed cold to you, too. “I’m not exactly… thrilled with the situation, either. He turned off his phone,” you muttered, turning to face the window.

In the reflection, you saw Jimin grimace.

“Sorry,” he said quietly.

“What for?”

“That just sucks, that’s all.”

“Yeah. It does suck.”

Jimin made an indiscernible noise of agreement before lapsing into silence.

It was strange to be in a car with him at this late an hour; oddly intimate for a multitude of reasons you pushed aside.

The last time you’d seen Jimin dressed so casually had been when you walked in on him with Sabrina. It had been nearly a month since then, but you hadn’t heard any gossip of them being together on campus. 

Maybe this was something you could’ve asked Jimin, but it wasn’t like you had that type of relationship. Sure, you were ballet partners and sure, you’d been getting along lately, but you didn’t usually interact outside of class. Yet another line you’d crossed by calling Jimin tonight.

Thus far, you’d mostly managed to keep Finn and Russet separate. Noelle had met Finn a couple of times – you’d gone to dinner once and gotten coffee together another time, but otherwise, nothing. Finn wouldn’t have wanted to come to one of your Grace Hall rom-com marathons or take a pilates class on Sunday morning.

Mixing personal life and dance felt strange to you, as though two separate halves of yourself were colliding. It was odd to see Jimin outside of Russet’s walls. He seemed more at ease in his car, like the lines of him had blurred more from dancer to person.

Something about the nighttime made things seem fuzzier. Tired from the day and just beginning to thaw from the cold, you found your lips and mind looser than usual.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Jimin said, interrupting the silence. “But I didn’t even know you had a boyfriend.”

With a humorless sort of laugh, you turned to face him. “Yeah, well. I do.”

“Huh.”

Hearing his skepticism, you insisted, “I do!”

“I believe you!” Jimin chuckled. He paused. “Is it new, then? I don’t remember anyone coming to watch your dance competitions in high school.”

Warmth spread through your body, realizing Jimin must’ve kept tabs. He’d watched you at dance competitions. He knew your usual crowd of supporters.

“Finn isn’t new,” you said slowly. “He just didn’t come to a lot of competitions. They got repetitive, you know? Lots of waiting around for three minutes of watching me dance.”

“I guess.” Jimin shrugged. “I used to go to my ex’s tennis tournaments all the time, though. That was the same thing, except no AC.”

“Right,” you laughed. “You’re right, at least our competitions had air conditioning.”

Jimin turned on his blinker to switch lanes. Pulling onto a side street, he glanced in the rearview mirror. Another moment passed, and then –

“We broke up before college.”

Surprised, you glanced in his direction. “Oh. Okay.”

You stared at his profile, wondering if you were supposed to say something more. You could think of many questions to ask, but they didn’t seem appropriate coming from you. You hadn’t realized Jimin was dating someone in high school – although, come to think of it, you did seem to remember a blonde girl cheering for him in the audience at Applause Dance Competition.

“It seemed like time,” Jimin continued quietly. “She went to a school across the country and we just never assumed we’d stay together. That sounds bad,” he said with a half-laugh. “I kind of figured though, if we were meant to be, we’d figure it out. The fact that we didn’t try spoke volumes.”

“That makes sense. Honestly,” you said with a sigh. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if me and Finn had been long distance.”

As soon as the words left your lips, you blinked. The statement hung before you in mid-air, forcing you to consider it for the first time.

This wasn’t something you’d allowed yourself to imagine before; what would’ve happened if you’d gone to a different school. Going to college so close to Finn had just seemed like a sign. You didn’t have the college break-up talk because you’d simply assumed you didn’t need to.

“Yeah.” Jimin sighed. “It’s hard, right? Everything is changing so quickly. You want things to stay the same, but isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Change. Grow. I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Everyone keeps telling me change isn’t a bad thing.”

“Sure seems like it, sometimes,” you said softly.

Jimin nodded. After a moment, he reached out for the stereo. A familiar song filled his car and something uncertain unfurled in your stomach. You weren’t sure what you were even talking about anymore – change was a dangerous topic without Finn around.

When the chorus of the song kicked in, you smiled.

“I love this song,” you said, turning to Jimin. “I almost choreographed my solo to it senior year.”

“Really?” Jimin glanced at you in surprise. “Same.”

“No way!” you laughed. “Wow – that would’ve been awkward. Imagine if we’d both had the same solo.”

“It would’ve made us even more competitive.”

“Not possible.”

“You’re probably right.” Jimin smiled. “We were really at each other’s throats for a while, weren’t we?”

“Yeah, we were.”

Settling back in your seat, you couldn’t help but frown.

Something about this statement bothered you, although you couldn’t put a finger on what. Maybe it was what Jimin had said yesterday about your mutual competition pushing each other forward. Maybe it had something to do with that night in Danley Hall, when Jimin stopped by and said he loved watching you dance.

If you really stopped and thought about it, Jimin was the sole constant in your dancing career. Every year, at every dance competition, you’d make sure you were available to watch Jimin’s solo. You told yourself this was because he was your competition but really, you just loved watching him dance.

You could remember the cool air of the theatre as you snuck in, sinking into a plush, velvet chair and hoping you wouldn’t be seen. You’d loved watching Jimin near the front, close enough to see his facial expressions but not close enough to be seen from the stage.

If your solos were close to one another in timing, you tended to watch Jimin from the wings. This had been a different kind of intimacy, hidden behind the first leg while you watched him dance. Lights dim, you recalled Jimin’s silhouette while he would walk to center. The opening notes of his music would sound, and you’d stifle a shiver while you watched him, entranced.

As it turned out, Jimin had been watching your solos as well, but you hadn’t known this for some time. Not until he’d told you the other night.

Suddenly, you turned in your seat. “You know I think you’re talented, right?” you blurted. “There was a reason I was always trying to beat you.”

Jimin’s brows shot up so high, they nearly met his hairline.

“I – uh, no,” he said. “You’ve never said that to me before. In fact, you kind of said the opposite. You told me the only reason I won was because I’m a guy.”

Hearing your words thrown back in your face, heat began to creep up your neck. 

“Listen, about that –”

“I’m kidding.” Jimin shot you a smile. “It’s fine, Y/N.”

“I – okay.”

“Look, I know men have an advantage in the dance world.” Returning his gaze to the road, Jimin’s smile disappeared. “I’m not dumb. I know we have higher centers of gravity, and all that. It’s just… you’re also talented, Y/N. People love to watch you dance, myself included. Don’t sell yourself short.”

Staring at him over the console, you felt oddly moved by this speech.

It was strange; many people in your life had called you talented. Your parents, your teachers and Finn, of course. Each of those compliments had meant something to you, but this one felt different. It felt different coming from Jimin – more important, somehow.

Maybe it was because you admired him most of all. The realization didn’t shock you as much as it probably should’ve.

“Thanks,” you said quietly.

Jimin nodded, continuing to scan the road. His car was clean, you realized as you glanced around. There were no water bottles on the floor, no napkins hastily stuffed into the glove compartment. The only sign of being lived-in was a keychain dangling over the dashboard; a small, plastic photo frame with two people inside.

“My parents,” Jimin explained, noticing where you looked.

“Oh,” you said, bending a bit closer. “They look nice.”

He laughed, unable to help it. “I’ve always thought so. My dad is the one who encouraged me to be a dancer, actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Fondly, Jimin smiled. “He’s always loved music. When I was a baby, he loved to hold me and jump around the living room to songs on the radio. My mom has tons of videos of it.”

You smiled at the image. “That sounds adorable.”

“And embarrassing. My dad’s not that great a dancer.”

Without meaning to, you snorted.

Hearing this, Jimin’s smile widened. “When I started memorizing all the dances I saw on TV, my dad convinced my mom to put me in classes. Things kind of spiraled from there.”

“That’s nice,” you said, settling down in his seat. “My parents have always been my biggest supporters, too.”

Jimin nodded, about to respond but then a blast of AC hit you and you shivered. You’d nearly forgotten what you were wearing – or more accurately, what you weren’t wearing. The thin tank top you had on did little to hide the bare skin underneath.

Jimin’s gaze darted sideways. “Are you cold?” he asked, reaching out for the heat. “You can have my hoodie in the backseat, if you want.”

“Oh. No, that’s okay.” Hastily, you untied your cardigan from around your waist. “I have this,” you said, sliding both arms into the sleeves. “Completely forgot about it.”

Silently, Jimin nodded – and then his lips twitched.

“What?” you demanded.

“Nothing!” He shook his head, fighting to keep his face even. “It’s just… you wore a cardigan out to the club?”

Glancing down, you felt your cheeks begin to heat again. “Yes,” you said, somewhat defensive as you looked up. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just, you know.” He paused. “My grandma has that sweater.”

“Well, your grandma sounds like a cool lady.”

“Without a doubt,” Jimin assured. “Not much of a clubber, though.”

Leaning your head to the window, you smiled. “That makes two of us then.”

You knew the city well enough by now to recognize you were only a few blocks from Grace Hall. Somehow, you found yourself not wanting the car ride to end. Talking to Jimin outside of dance practice was nice – even fun, you realized with some surprise.

It was a shame it’d taken you so long to recognize this.

“Seriously, though.” Jimin laughed. “Clubs can be a good time! There’s dancing, there’s music… rumor has it you like dancing.”

“Not that kind of dancing,” you sighed. “That kind of dancing is just a dry version of a lap dance for people who don’t know what to do with their hips.”

Jimin hid behind a smile. “Ouch, on behalf of your boyfriend.”

“Oh!” Straightening, you glanced at him in alarm. “That’s not – I didn’t mean…”

Stricken, you realized the obviousness of what you had said. Forget about your face heating, your entire body felt like an inferno. You had just told Jimin, in so many words, that Finn didn’t know what to do with his hips.

Jimin waved this admission aside. “Don’t worry about it, Y/N. I’ll forget what I heard the instant I get home. Up until tonight, I didn’t know the guy existed, right?”

“Right,” you agreed, settling back in your seat.

Rather than reassure you, this only gave you further pause.

It didn’t seem possible Jimin hadn’t known about Finn. Racking your brains, you tried to think of a time they would’ve crossed paths – only to come up short. Finn hadn’t ever stopped by the studio to pick you up, he hadn’t ever come to mutual hangouts with your Russet friends. Admittedly, Jimin had only recently started attending the same ones as you, but it still seemed unthinkable.

You and Finn had been dating for over two years. Finn’s name should have come up at some point and yet, it hadn’t.

Before you could respond, Jimin pulled to a stop outside your dorm. Glancing over the console, he smiled and again, you were struck by the image.

With his grey sweats, mussed hair and those glasses – you swallowed. It was a side of Jimin you hadn’t seen and something about the visual made your stomach lurch. Before you could launch into full-blown panic, Jimin raised a brow.

“Here you are,” he said with a grandiose wave. “Home sweet home.”

Glancing past him, you took in the steps of Grace Hall.

“Thanks,” you said, pushing open the door. Before exiting the car, you paused and looking over your shoulder. “Seriously, Jimin, thank you. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten home without you.”

In the darkness, you saw his expression soften.

“Anytime,” Jimin said.

You could tell he meant it. There was something to his gaze which made you nod. Jimin wasn’t the type to mince words or say things he didn’t mean. Just like when he said he loved your dancing, you knew Jimin was telling the truth. When he said anytime, he meant it.

Nodding, you resumed exiting the car. Waving goodbye, you stood on the curb until he was out of sight.

Once Jimin disappeared, you sighed and turned towards the building. Grace Hall was silent this late at night – it was nearly 2:00 AM and again, you were thankful Jimin had answered his phone. As you let yourself in and climbed the steps to your room, your thoughts began to race with all the what-ifs.

What-if Jimin hadn’t answered, what-if you’d had to walk home alone, or walk to find a cab. Pressing your eyes shut, you shooed these thoughts away. None of that had actually happened, so it wasn’t worth worrying about.

As soon as you got upstairs, you stepped in the shower – the stickiness of that girl’s drink continued to linger on your skin. After changing into fresh pajamas and brushing your teeth, you wearily climbed into bed. The last thing you did before falling asleep was call Finn again in case he’d returned home.

His phone went straight to voicemail though and, with a sinking stomach, you rolled over in bed and turned off the light.

After sleeping until the last possible moment, you managed to roll yourself out of bed around seven the next morning. This only left fifteen minutes before you needed to leave and even then, you felt like a zombie as you rushed out the door.

Grabbing coffee at the place down the street, you and Noelle entered class with barely ten minutes to spare. Jimin was already present but he was talking to Louis, so you stuck to your side and didn’t interrupt. You wanted to thank him again for his help, but all this flew out the window when a familiar woman followed Mr. Vlad into the classroom.

“Class.” Mr. Vlad set his things down by the window. “You remember Anna Hodelle, I presume – principal dancer at the New York City Ballet. She’s in town for a different master class and has graciously agreed to lead ballet this morning.”

The news was simultaneously exciting and nerve-wracking. Anna had taught a master class several weeks prior which left you sore for days following. Her classes were exciting though, and she was Anna Hodelle, one of the youngest principal dancers for the New York City Ballet in at least forty years – so there was that.

Her introduction didn’t require any response. Scrambling into place at the barre, the class waited while Anna shed her warm-ups and Mr. Vlad left the room. As soon as the music began, you found yourself grateful you hadn’t drunk the night prior.

Similar to her last master class, you found Miss Anna relentless in her pursuit of perfection. Her expectations were high and as a result, everyone gave their best effort – and then some. By the time you broke for water, no less than three students had already run for the bathroom.

It wasn’t pretty, but vomiting was something which happened with dance. Class could be such a grueling workout that occasionally, younger students pushed themselves past their limits. If you ate a big meal before practice, it was increasingly likely you might throw it up after.

You could count on two hands the number of times this had happened to you in high school. There had been some days you practiced so hard, sweat ran down your forehead and blinded your vision. On other days, the floor was so slippery, your bare feet couldn’t grasp the floorboards. Dance, despite being hailed for grace and glamour, tended to be exactly the opposite.

One of your teachers used to say you weren’t using your muscles if they weren’t shaking by the end. Ballerinas were seen as delicate, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Ballet only looked effortless – this was a carefully cultivated image for the audience. At all times, all muscles in a ballerina’s body were engaged, yet even when sweat dripped down her brow, she had to smile.

You’d seen dancers finish their combination, give a sweeping bow, walk gracefully offstage and vomit into the nearest trash can. Everything was for show, everything was for the audience – one of your favorite parts about dance was knowing the brutal behind-the-scenes effort everything took. It made you appreciate the final product all the more.

By the end of class you were exhausted but happy, wiping sweat from your brow while you applauded the teacher. After Anna’s dismissal, you immediately exhaled and trudged towards your bag. Noelle chattered on about a TV show you were watching, reminding you to catch up before Monday.

As you picked up your bag, you felt its front pocket vibrate. Fishing inside for your phone, you pulled this out and felt your eyes widen.

Five missed calls and eight missed texts. Once you opened your phone, you saw they were all from Finn.

Finn: hey [8:18 AM]

Finn: Y/N, I’m so sorry [8:19 AM]

Finn: I don’t know if you’re ignoring me because you’re angry, or if you’re in class right now [8:25 AM]

Finn: you’re probably in class [8:30 AM]

Finn: if you’re not though, please call me back [8:31 AM]

Finn: fuck [9:01 AM]

Finn: I was such an ass last night, Y/N. I’m sorry [9:03 AM]

Finn: … please call me [9:35 AM]

With each text you read, you felt your heart sink. Up until this point, you’d gotten through class by pretending last night hadn’t happened. Now though, you were forced to remember every detail of the night prior.

Finn had left you at the club.

He’d stormed away from your fight, turned off his phone and left you alone. Each time you remembered the night, your fury only grew. This morning when you woke, you’d still been pissed off – even more so, when you turned on your phone and saw zero texts from Finn.

Had your roles been reversed, you never would’ve done the same to him. Sure, it had been a bad fight but who did that? Just took off in the middle of a conversation and shut everything down. The worst part was him turning off his phone. As soon as things didn’t go as planned, Finn simply washed his hands of you.

That was what hurt most of all, the shame burrowing deep into the crevices of your heart.

Beneath everything was a strange twinge of guilt at having called Jimin to pick you up. This was easily brushed aside, though – Finn had left you stranded. If anyone had a right to be mad here, it was you.

“Y/N? You okay?”

Noelle’s voice pulled you from your reverie. Blinking, you lowered your phone and realized you were alone. The rest of the room had cleared out after class – this probably wasn’t the first time Noelle had said your name.

“Shit, sorry!” Hastily, you shoved your phone in your bag. “Yeah… yeah, everything’s fine.”

Noelle gave you a look. “Really?”

After a moment, you sighed. “No,” you said, turning to walk towards the door. “Why pretend? It’s Finn.”

Following you from the classroom, Noelle fell into step alongside you.

“He’s not hurt, is he?” she said carefully.

“Unfortunately, not.”

Noelle snorted. “Okay, so he’s in the doghouse.”

“Yep.”

“Want to talk about it?”

At the top of the stairs, you paused. “Finn and I got in a fight last night,” you admitted. “He wanted to stay at the club, and I wanted to go home – so he told me to leave. I did, but then I realized I had no way to get there.”

Noelle’s mouth dropped. “Are you fucking kidding me? He just… left you there? Wow. The next time I see your ‘boyfriend,’ I’m going to – wait,” she said, pulling up short. “How did you get home, then?”

“I – uh, well… Jimin picked me up.”

Noelle stared at you a moment longer. “Huh. Didn’t expect that.”

“Neither did I,” you said, beginning to walk down the stairs. “Finn turned his cell phone off, so I couldn’t get ahold of him and by then, the trains stopped running. Uber was surging and Jimin is the only person I know with a car, so…”

“Ah, gotcha. That makes sense.” Noelle nodded. “Nice of him to come get you.”

“Yeah, it was nice. Anyways, Finn’s been texting me all morning.”

“Oh!” Noelle groaned. “That was your phone! I kept hearing something vibrating while I was waiting to go across the floor.”

“Yep, that was him,” you said glumly. “Apparently he’s sorry.”

“Of course, he is.”

“He said he was an ass last night.”

“Of course, he did.”

“… I’m still pissed at him.”

“Of course, you are!” Noelle cried, slinging an arm around your shoulder. “Listen, tell him you got home alright – not that he deserves that much, mind you – but you need some time to cool off. He can wait until you’re ready to talk, right?”

Nodding, you saw sense in what she was saying. “You’re right.”

Despite Noelle making sense though, part of you didn’t want to wait.

Part of you wanted to call Finn back right now and give him a piece of your mind, but you knew if you did that, things wouldn’t end well. He deserved to be cussed out, but you were completely exhausted. The idea of fighting with your boyfriend left you feeling drained.

Noelle was right – Finn could wait until you were ready to talk, whenever that was.

Pulling out your phone a second time, you texted Finn you were safe and that you’d talk when you were ready. Once he responded okay, you shoved your phone in your pocket.

Noelle looked sympathetically on. “Why don’t we have a girl’s night?” she said, arm back around your shoulder. “We can invite Irene and Ari and just watch dumb movies and eat brownie batter in fancy lingerie. You know, like every guy’s sleepover porn fantasy.”

You couldn’t help it, you laughed. “Sounds like a plan,” you said with a grin. “God, what would I do without you?”

“Be super bored, probably.”

You snorted, but the thought stuck in your mind as you left the building. It really would be awful without Noelle by your side. Without meaning to, your thoughts strayed to Sabrina. Aside from Katie and Allison, you had no idea who she hung out with.

It had to be lonely for someone like her. Russet was intense enough without a support system. You quickly pushed these feelings aside – even if Sabrina was lonely, she had no one to blame but herself. You’d offered the olive branch enough times by now to know when to stop.

“I guess only one question remains,” you said slowly.

Noelle glanced your way. “Oh, yeah? What?”

“How dumb are the dumb movies we’re watching? Like, From Justin to Kelly dumb – where it’s a guilty pleasure? Or, more like The Kissing Booth dumb – where things are just bad dumb.”

“Why choose?” Noelle shrugged. “Let’s do both!”

“Deal!”

As you climbed the steps to Grace Hall, you continued to ignore Finn’s texts in your bag. He could wait until tomorrow, at least. After what he put you through, a single night of not knowing what you were thinking seemed appropriate.

When you finally gave in and called Finn the next day, you weren’t sure what you were hoping for. Finn had already texted his apology, so at least he knew he’d been in the wrong. As to what degree he was aware, you didn’t know, but you got a fairly good idea once he picked up the phone.

Short answer: very wrong.

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” Finn blurted, as though afraid you might cut him off. “I was such an ass to you Friday night. I – I don’t even know what to say. I don’t even know where to start. I fucked up so bad, Y/N and I’m sorry.”

Silence followed this outburst as you frowned, leaning back on the bed.

Noelle had graciously left the room to study at the coffee shop on the corner. Secretly, you knew this was mostly to flirt with the barista, Namjoon, but you couldn’t begrudge her for that. Namjoon did have the most adorable dimples you’d ever seen.

Focusing your thoughts on Finn, you played with a stray thread of your sheets. “I mean… that’s a good start, I guess,” you muttered. “But what are you really sorry for, Finn?”

His sigh was soft. “Everything.”

“Specifics would be good.”

“I was drunk,” he exhaled. “That’s not an excuse, but… I honestly don’t remember everything that I said to you. I remember the gist of it though, and I know it was terrible. I know you didn’t deserve it.”

You remained silent, even though you agreed with him.

“I wanted to stay out,” he continued. “That doesn’t really matter, though. I was a dick. I was stubborn and angry, and I took that out on you. You’re the last person I would ever want to hurt, and I just… I left you. Something could’ve happened to you. God, if something had happened, Y/N…”

Finn trailed off and you heard his voice crack but forced yourself to stay silent. Hearing him break was hard, but you reminded yourself what you’d felt Friday night – all the anger and terror when he completely disappeared.

This memory hardened you enough not to melt at his apology.

“Yeah, well,” you said tightly. “You’re right – something could’ve happened. The trains weren’t running and Uber was crazy expensive. I couldn’t get back in the club. I ended up waiting outside for nearly twenty minutes before someone came to pick me up.”

“Fuck.” Finn sounded strangled. “Fuck… Y/N, I’m sorry…”

In your mind, you envisioned him shoving a hand through his hair. Finn did that when he was stressed or upset and right now, he sounded a little of both.

“Yeah.”

He was quiet for a moment. “Who picked you up?”

Immediately, you stiffened. “Do you seriously think you deserve an answer to that?”

“No, no, I – you’re right, it doesn’t matter. Thank them for me, okay?”

You remained silent and again, Finn sighed.

“Are you… are we going to be okay?”

It was a loaded question. Closing your eyes, you leaned your head to the wall. In all honesty, you didn’t know the answer to that.

On the one hand, you loved Finn. That hadn’t changed. On the other hand, it was becoming more and more apparent your problems weren’t going away. It would be foolish to pretend otherwise – but all couples had problems, didn’t they?

In the back of your mind, you couldn’t help but think a break-up should be more obvious than this. A break-up should be something big, something irreversible. You were beginning to wonder though, at what point were problems considered insurmountable. Everything about this seemed grey and right now, you really needed black and white answers.

Both your lives were changing, as Jimin had said. Freshman year was a cacophony of change; in order to succeed, you and Finn needed to learn to grow with each other. Hiccups were to be expected, bumps in the road were to be expected, but if you wanted to stay together, you needed to learn how to fight for this relationship.

“I think so,” you said, opening your eyes. “I think we’ll be okay. I just… Finn, you really hurt me that night.”

“I know.”

“It can’t happen again.”

“It won’t.”

“You know… I want to spend time with you, right?”

“I… do.”

He paused for longer than you would’ve liked, but you brushed past it. “I know you like going to clubs and all that,” you said. “But that’s not really me. Maybe next time we can do something different. Something a little more low-key.”

“Yeah.” Finn chuckled. “That sounds nice, honestly.”

“Good.”

“At least my friends really liked you.”

Taken aback, you snorted. “Oh, come on, Finn. I was barely there.”

“I’m being serious! Ben told me he thinks you’re funny.”

“Ben,” you groaned. “Has all the humor of a wet sock.”

Finn laughed and this time, it sounded like him. His laugh had been watery before, a restrained version but now, his true mirth broke free. As soon as the sound hit your ears, you began to relax. Truthfully, you hadn’t been sure things would be okay until then. Hearing him laugh, you knew Finn meant it. He wanted this, too.

“You’re right,” he agreed. “Ben sucks, but at least he has the taste to know that you don’t. Next time, we’ll do something more fun.”

“Next time,” you agreed.

“Next time.”

Despite your conversation having gone as well as it possibly could’ve, uncertainty continued to linger in the back of your mind.

You spent Sunday evening watching TV, but still slept restlessly before your class the next morning. Mr. Vlad’s ballet was definitely not one you wanted to arrive at ill-rested, but Monday you showed up with bags under your eyes.

You tried to push all negative thoughts from mind while warming up at the barre. By the time class broke for water, you were feeling marginally better. Ballet was soothing that way. The repetitiveness of barre helped to put things in perspective. Your ankle had almost completely healed by this point and now, two weeks after the fall, your technique had finally begun to improve.

No longer were you the last one to catch onto combinations and Mr. Vlad only yelled once about your turnout at barre. This was a marked improvement from the start of the year and although you still were far from the top, you felt relatively good about your standing. You had a feeling once you and Jimin began to practice, the moves would come even easier.

The first combination at center was a slow adagio. It wasn’t particularly difficult aside from a lift in the middle, but despite the familiarity of the moves, Jimin was being oddly hesitant.

Mr. Vlad showed the combination with his dance assistant, Mina. After they demonstrated a particularly difficult lift, they gave everyone time to practice – which, in your and Jimin’s case, turned out to be necessary.

“Ladies, pique to arabesque!” Mr. Vlad called from the front. “Lift your leg higher and – the man lifts! He walks you in a promenade. Then you’re lowered, exhale – and bourrée!”

Brian immediately raised his hand for help, so Mr. Vlad left to assist in his corner. The lift was proving itself to be tricky – it required most of your weight balanced against Jimin’s side while he gripped your thigh, lifting you up.

You and Jimin began to practice, but no matter what you did, nothing seemed to be working. After the fourth failed attempt where Jimin nearly dropped you on your ass, you shakily landed and whirled around.

“Alright,” you said, both hands on your hips. “What’s going on?”

Jimin’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, how’re you supposed to lift me if you’re barely touching me? Look at Sabrina and Paulo!” you said, gesturing in their direction. “He’s got his whole fucking hand under her leg!”

Jimin’s cheeks turned red. “I – uh, right. Yeah. Let’s try it again.”

Staring at him another moment, you nodded and returned to your spot. Jimin settled into fifth position, jaw clenched and looking as though he were in pain. You stared at him in the mirror, considering calling him out before thinking better of it.

Taking a deep breath, you piqued into arabesque. Leaning your weight to Jimin, he reached again for your thigh – only to falter, leaving you hanging.

“Jimin!” you half-laughed as you slipped down his leg.

“I’m sorry!” Jimin blurted, stepping away. Looking thoroughly distraught, he shoved both hands through his hair. “It’s just… well, I…”

“It’s just what?”

“You have a boyfriend,” he said, a bit pained.

In response to this, both your eyebrows shot up. That had not been the answer you’d expected.

“I… okay?” you said, failing to grasp the point. “So what?”

“So.” Jimin glanced furtively around. “I don’t know, it’s just weird! I don’t want to… overstep my boundaries, or anything.”

“But…” You stared. “I had a boyfriend last week and it wasn’t a problem.”

“Okay, but last week I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”

Again, you looked at him as though he was crazy.

“This is stupid,” you said, stepping closer. “Ballet is our job, Jimin. It’s the least sexy occupation on the planet. Right now, I’m bleeding from three different blisters inside my pointe shoes. I’m sure my deodorant has long worn off by now. Would you just fucking get over yourself and grab my thigh?”

Jimin’s upper lip twitched. “Well. When you put it like that.”

“I am putting it like that,” you said with a grin. “Now, let’s go again.”

Nodding, Jimin followed when you walked backwards. Taking another deep breath, you piqued to arabesque and this time, Jimin didn’t flinch when your weight transitioned to his. Hand sliding beneath your thigh, he lifted you easily into a promenade.

As soon as you turned your head, you caught Jimin’s gaze and felt – something.

Something other than the white noise of the room. Something other than the thud-thud of your heart, other than the music on the stereo and Mr. Vlad yelling counts from the corner.

Despite what you had just finished saying, something unknown seemed to bloom in your chest. In the middle of the lift – blood blisters and all – you felt an errant spark where Jimin’s front pressed to yours.

You barely had time to recognize this before the moment was gone. Slowing his walk, Jimin set you back down – and you wobbled. 

This time it had nothing to do with his technique.

“Ah, shit.” Jimin frowned. “That’s my bad – I can do better! Let’s try it again.”

Nodding, you felt a bit wooden as you followed in his footsteps. When Mr. Vlad started the music, you fought the surging tide of emotions threatening to overwhelm. It had been nothing, you told yourself. Nothing of importance, anyways.

Shoving whatever you’d felt in a box, you pushed this to a corner of your mind and firmly shut the door. Forcing a smile to your lips, you lifted your chin as you began the combination.

It was lucky everyone else found you a talented performer, since beneath all your smiling, all you could think about was what was hidden in the box.

Something unknown, something tentative – and something which could be dangerous, if it ever came to light.

Author’s Note: I was so close to re-writing this chapter with Mr. Vlad picking her up LOL just kidding, but thank you for reading! 😊 New chapters of Raise the Barre are posted weekly; dates are listed on the series Master List. Requests for updates will be deleted.

RAISE THE BARRE MASTERLIST 

© kpopfanfictrash, 2020. Do not copy or repost without permission. 

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

ok i agree w/ everything you said about those ladies besides, lwaxana gives s*xual pr*dator vibes and that is why i dont like her.

I can see that reading for sure and all things are subjective. I do strongly disagree, but hey, fandom is a space for that! Super chill.

to go a little more into this though, since it's not really so much about what any of us feel, but more about how we engage with female characters (and I'll use your example of why you don't like her - not to drag you, your dislike is totally fair, she's fictional, she won't mind, but just because it's a single line that kinda puts her in a box. And not a very nice box to be in, that's for sure...)

a little tw for mild references to some of the shadier writings of star trek vis a vis sexual assault and otherwise sexist and/or strange relationship dynamics

okay so you know how Riker has like. two? episodes that're suuuper shady in terms of his treatment of women and the rest of the time it's pretty chill. and he's one of my favourite characters, but I have gotta skip those episodes, because whatever they were trying to do, they Did Not Succeed - and there's a reading of him that incorporates those elements and if you do you've gotta contend with the character being quite probably someone who's assaulted women.

or how Worf at times espouses sexist shit that makes me roll my eyes outta my head and you're either gonna say "I don't fucking like this character" (and again, totally fair, I've seen people who don't Vibe) or you've gotta find a way to make this work for you if you want to explore that character - or both of those things, you can dislike a character and want to write about them

Or some of the weird shit the writers have Geordi do (which, Geordi is my favourite character in TNG, but sometimes ya gotta breathe and go "the writers are fucking dumb, the writers are fucking dumb")

or - the spiritual successor of Geordi, Julian Bashir (my favourite character from DS9 - clearly I have a Type). You've gotta go: This is stupid writing. I can make it work with my own read of the character, but first and foremost The Writing Is Dumb!

Or hell, Q - since we're talking about Lwaxana and I assume her interactions with Picard and Odo, let's not forget to mention Q, both in TNG and on VOY with Janeway - some of the more urgh-inducing scenes between Q and Janeway are, I think, meant to be charming and funny? And I'm a massive QCard shipper here, okay, I actually vibe so hard with him as an alien who doesn't get shit about boundaries (this mostly with Picard, with Janeway I have gone: "Hm. This doesn't feel good" a fair few times).

or how the writers of DS9 had Garak be in a very uncomfortable relationship with Ziyal, who was a teenager, then not a teenager within much too short a span of episodes (and actress changes)

or Quark. Remember the episode in which Quark tries to get Kira's likeness so he can put it in a sex-fantasy roleplay that she did not consent to? or how there are two cold opens where his female employees are told they have to sleep with him to keep their jobs

or like... Neelix (okay, I am not a fan of Neelix anyway, but for people who are fans, there are times when you've gotta wonder what in the heck the writers are thinking - not the character, the writers)

what I'm trying to say with the post I wrote is that this same graciousness isn't offered to female characters - especially female characters of colour, but in the case of Lwaxana

she's older, she's an ongoing female guest star, she's very (sometimes uncomfortably) sexual towards especially Picard and for a short while Odo, before they become really good friends.

she's also in-text several times in positions in which men are trying to control her (the episode where she gets kidnapped, the episode in which the guy who's married her is a misogynist) and she uses or tries to use her "wiles" to escape these situations.

She's really more of a faded beauty who's putting a pressure onto her daughter (in a rare interesting, complex, fraught mother-daughter dynamic that I loooove) and refuses to let go of the past, because (and here we get into my read, but mildly supported by canon) it's the only way she seems to have learned how to be loved and have relevance. She's terrified of letting that go, because where does she go next, without everything that's defined her? which is why her final episode with Odo is actually so powerful to me.

Picard is never threatened by her in-text. He's not massively fond of her (at first, she grows on him... like a mold), he would prefer to avoid her, but he's not in a powerless situation here. She undoubtedly makes him uncomfortable at times in a way that - like some of the above examples have made me go "mmmmokay" but certainly not the worst example of this in the writing.

With Odo I also don't like how some of her interactions with him go in the first episode they're in together. But once they're friends and you see how easily she accepts him ("I can swim" is always going to be one of my favourite little chuckle lines) that no longer applies. He clearly likes her and enjoys her company. There's something incredibly lifelong platonic partners in their easiness with each other.

You can argue in both cases (and argue well) that there are scenes that are kinda sus. But there are lots of scenes that offer you depth of character. She's not one-note. She's got off moments.

Some of these guys (and others - I haven't watched as much TOS and Voyager so I don't want to misrepresent anyone, but I feel sure that Tom Paris has made me squint once or twice + I've not seen Enterprise yet) have whole episodes that make me shudder.

It's really - within this fandom for sure - open how we interpret characters and I'm not saying anyone needs to read Lwaxana like this or change their minds and like her.

The point of the post is not to say you have to like any of these characters. Or even to say you have to engage with them regardless of how you vibe or don't vibe with them. It's just... I have listened to several up-until-then-enjoyable deeply analytical podcasts where at some point one of the (guys... always guys... I'm guessing white) makes a sneering comment completely dismissing their value within the series.

My point is that Lwaxana (since we're on her) has value as a character within the Trek universe. She added something important. She's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's a big series, we're not all guaranteed to like everyone.

and in the original post I used "shrill" and "cringy" on purpose, because those are descriptors I've heard. And they are absolutely rooted in misogynist dismissals of female characters no matter what shape they take (Keiko, Lwaxana, Michael, and Ezri are radically different from each other and yet all easily brushed aside regardless of screentime, personality, show, age, role/job).

I'm not making points about having to engage with or like characters. I'm just saying we need to be aware of how easily we specifically look down our noses at female characters (and specifically female characters of colour - apologies, this was just because we were talking about Lwaxana, but some of the shit I've heard about especially Michael and Keiko have made me want to bang my head against a wall... or other peoples heads against walls... you know, for a nice change)

so how much sympathy or analysis of behaviour is afforded to female characters vs their male peers. What judgements are we making and how do they compare to our readings of their male counterparts?

sidenote: I hate using male and female about star trek, my brain is just like "why anyone gender? why do this? you're in space? there are aliens? y'all can't chill with the binary for two fucking seconds?"

different post

[star-maiden]

Help! These D*** Cards Don’t make sense!

What To Do When a Tarot Reading Seems Like Nonsense

⭐️ First of all, we need to get a few things clear. Tarot won’t always make sense. You will make mistakes. Sometimes, you won’t get any messages at all no matter how hard you try. If this sounds similar to your experience with the cards, don’t feel bad. It doesn’t mean you’re a “bad” reader. As soon as you get more comfortable with the idea of being wrong, you’ll find that your confidence (and subsequently your readings) will improve a lot! Got that? Great! Let’s move on to the topic at hand.

Confused by your tarot cards? Don’t get discouraged.

⭐️ I’m just going to tell you plainly. There isn’t a single tarot reader in the world who hasn’t been completely baffled with their cards at some point. This is natural and a completely normal part of the learning process. What’s more, Tarot is one of those things that you never really stop learning more about. There is always room for growth, and for finding deeper meanings within the stories each card tells. So if you’re hoping to be a “Tarot Master” with omnipotent vision and 100% accurate readings about everything, then I’m afraid I must be the bearer of bad news: There’s no such thing. We’ll all be wrong or confused sometimes, and that’s ok.

Even so, there are a few things to consider if you find yourself bamboozled by your cards more often than not.

Reasons why your tarot cards don’t make sense, and what to do about it.

1. You’re cards haven’t been shuffled properly.

⭐️ This is a common culprit for readings that aren’t making much sense. If you don’t shuffle your cards enough, either straight out of the plastic wrapping or after too many readings, you won’t get any clear messages. This is especially true if you’ve been doing a lot of readings, and just quickly shuffling your pulled cards back into the deck afterwards. If you notice that you are getting a lot of cards from previous readings, and they aren’t making much sense, it might be time for a good shuffle.

What to do: If your deck is new, you’ll want to spend several days shuffling and getting to know the cards. This will mix up the cards enough for you to actually get messages, and help you become more familiar with the imagery of the deck (which will improve your intuitive readings).

⭐️ If you deck isn’t new, it’s likely that you just haven’t shuffled well enough in between readings. It happens. Just give them a good shuffle, and you’ll be set.

2. You don’t know the card meanings well enough.

⭐️ Wait! Don’t get upset yet! I’m not saying that you have to memorize the traditional meaning of every card, and use only that definition as the “be all, end all” of card interpretations. Far from it! That would be super boring. I’m also not saying that you can’t use the guidebook (you totally can). In fact, if you use your guidebooks, you’ll be able to learn the subtle nuances that each deck author attributes to the card meanings. It’s pretty neat stuff!

⭐️ However, a basic understanding of your cards and their key meanings will help you read accurately with consistency. A big part of intuitive reading is being able to recognize the symbolism within the cards. If you know a keyword for each card, you can use them as a starting point for your interpretations.

⭐️ For example: Let’s say you have the 4 of cups. Traditionally, it shows a moody figure, staring off into the distance, with spilled cups before them. Above the figure is often some sort of offering that they can’t see. If you know that a keyword for the 4 of cups is apathy, you could use the symbolism in the card to read it as “having lost interest in a situation”. The figure feels apathy for the situation he’s in, and is not interested in what is being offered. That’s an example of the traditional, symbolic meaning of the tarot in action. Ready to take this a step further? Once you know the traditional meaning, you can combine it with other cards, as well as the details of the situation, to “springboard” into other interpretations.

⭐️ Example 2: Maybe you know that “apathy”, the traditional meaning of the 4 of cups, doesn’t completely fit. In this imaginary reading, the client is asking you about an argument they had with their partner. They are hurt and upset, and have asked you if it’s worth it to stay in the relationship. Clearly, they are not feeling apathetic toward the situation! In this case, we would go beyond “apathy” or “loss of interest”. What is the energy of this card? Combining the imagery with the traditional meaning, we can generate other meanings. Stagnancy, miscommunication and an inability to see another perspective are all alternative, non-traditional interpretations. In this situation, I might tell this client that there is some confusion between them and their partner. Neither one has a clear understanding of how the other feels. Therefore, it might be a good idea to discuss the current situation with each other once they have both had time to calm down. The surrounding cards will usually help you fine tune your interpretation.

What do to: There’s no way around this one. Study the cards. In particular, the imagery of your deck will be very useful to become familiar with. Read your guidebook, read other tarot books and blogs, journal about your readings. If books are not your thing, there are countless YouTube videos and podcasts that cover tarot these days. My favorite tarot podcast is Tarot bytes by Theresa Reed. Pace yourself. You don’t have to learn everything in a week. Most importantly, read, read, read with your deck. The more you read, the more you will begin to understand how your deck communicates and how your intuition picks up on this subtle energy.

3. You are too emotionally invested in the outcome of the reading.

⭐️ This mostly happens if you are reading for yourself, but it can also happen when reading for close friends or family. Sometimes, if we are hyper focused on a particular outcome or in a state of reaction, it’s easy to project our own personal feelings onto the cards. This skews the interpretation. Its not a bad thing to read for yourself, your family or your friends. However, it’s a good idea to keep this point in mind.

What to do: If you are nervous, upset or in any way unable to remain objective about the outcome, it’s probably best to not do the reading. You can try again later when things are calmer.

4. You’ve ignored the focus question.

⭐️ This happens when a reader fails to take into account the “focus” or theme of the reading. For example, if a client asks you about work, and The Lovers card comes up, you should not tell them that they will meet their soulmate soon. This has nothing to do with what they were asking about. You’re more likely to encounter this problem when reading for others, but it can happen when reading for yourself.

What to do: An easy answer, stay on script. Keep the original question in the forefront of your mind during the entire reading. Like our example above, if you are reading about work, don’t start interpreting anything about romance. The cards are nuanced and varied enough to have multiple meanings. Instead, if The Lovers card appears in a work related reading, consider how the energy of the card might show up within the context of the reading. Instead of a “soulmate”, you might say that this client needs to find a harmony and balance between their home and work life. This is just one of many possible ways to interpret this card within the context of a work-related reading.

5. You’ve asked a question that is too specific OR that the tarot cannot answer.

⭐️ This can happen with both self-readings and readings for other people. Tarot is a powerful tool of self reflection and insightful divination, but it is not omnipotent. Further more, tarot readers themselves are not mind readers. We have to have context and understanding in order to see the connections clearly enough to interpret them with accuracy. With tarot, the more context we have about a situation, the better a reading will be. So for vague questions like “what will happen next Tuesday?”, a reader would need to supplement the reading with their intuitive abilities. It can be done, but the chance of misinterpretation is much higher if a reader is unsure how to weave the tarot and clair senses together.

⭐️ Some types of questions are ill-suited to tarot. Generally speaking, these would be questions that limit the ability of the seeker to act. “Will I pass my exam?” would not be a good question because it leaves no room for change or growth. A reader might struggle to interpret this correctly unless they are very experienced.

⭐️ Another type of question that you might see a lot are third party questions. For example: “Is person A having an affair with person B?” This type of question that doesn’t directly involve the seeker in any way is not useful with tarot. Most likely, you won’t get a clear answer or any useful information. Tarot is not a tool to be used to spy on others. In fact, it’s quite disrespectful to use the cards in this way.

What to do: A lot of this boils down to personal preference and reading style, but a good rule of thumb is to ask open ended questions. In this sense, questions that begin with “how” or “what” will be better than questions that start with “is”. Remember, tarot does not deal in absolutes. It reflects energy of situations and projected futures, and energy can change. Nothing is 100% certain with tarot.

[angelkurenai]

Imagine being in a relationship with Dean, but when you finally start to make things more serious, you start to distance yourself and keep quiet from him. Being worried he might have ruined the best thing to ever happen to him and despite his insecurities, Dean decides to have a talk with you to figure out what’s wrong.

“What?” Dean's voice was gruff, still far too early for him to speak or stand in the first place especially since he hasn't had his coffee yet, but he did repeat with a frown at his brother “What?”

“Huh?” Sam blinked, looking away from your still – maybe far too still to be normal – form, hunched over your steaming cup of coffee, to look at his brother who had one raised eyebrow at him already “Oh uh, I- What did you say again?”

“I asked you. What's the matter man?” Dean blinked slowly compared to his brother who blinked too fast.

“No, nothing's the- You know actually-” Sam cleared his throat, turning more towards his brother and lowering his voice “I've just- I was looking at (Y/n) and I've noticed that lately some things are different, like- like this morning, and I've been meaning to ask you but I didn't know if I should so I just-”

“Sam” Dean said in a rough voice “Too early. Too many words. Cut to it.”

“Is she alright?” he asked with actual worry both on his face and in his voice “Cause I- I was paying attention to some things and she really doesn't seem like herself. I would've asked her but, while I'm her best friend, I didn't know if it was entirely my place to. So I thought I should ask you, seeing how attached to the hip you two are. Is (Y/n) alright?”

“I-” Dean started but frowned even more, his eyes immediately jumping to take in your form at the moment as he tilted his head to the side in confusion and deep thought “I don't-”

“You don't? Don't what, Dean? Don't know? She's your girlfriend, for crying out loud!” Sam whispered-hissed at his brother.

“I just- She seemed fine to me all this time! I never noticed a thing out of the ordinary. She's acting the same way she always did around me!” Dean shrugged, voice also hushed “No, really, that's how it's always been. Our relationship is the same too, maybe better than ever! I mean-” a smile, or more like a proud grin, started lifting the corners of his lips as he looked a bit into the distance in thought “If last night was any indicator, we are certainly better than ever!”

“You- what?” Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother with a tilt of his head.

“You know, I was a bit tired after the case, but then she came out of the shower wearing my shirt and you know how one thing can lead to another, and I really couldn't help. It was oof-” Dean blew out a breath “Wow, really, wow. So much of-” Dean had started recounting the events of the previous night with a coy smile on his face, until Sam interrupted him.

“Dean. Dean! Hey, not- not the point here, yes? And I'm certainly not interested in being scared for life by the mental images that would inevitably invade my mind, please and thank you.” the younger Winchester pointed out, effectively cutting him off also with a look that made Dean's smile vanish and the man sober up and get more serious “Our point here is (Y/n) and whether she is alright or not.”

“She-” Dean paused, letting out a short huff before straightening his back “Hey, honey? (Y/n)?”

“Hmh? What?” you asked slowly, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes as you finally looked at something but your coffee, your boyfriend.

“Are you alright?” he asked caringly still.

“Define alright.” you said back with a serious face and they shared a look “Alright as in alright with an asteroid striking earth and killing everyone this morning or alright as in alright with passing out and sleep the rest of my life off with occasional breaks for midnight snacks?”

It took a couple seconds for any of the Winchesters to speak, only silence having followed save for the sound of the coffee machine, as they both stood there for a couple seconds only blinking”Alright as in... alright? Alright as in functioning properly as a human being and being... mentally stable perhaps?”

“Oh” you blinked, only twice, in understanding before shaking your head “No, then. No.” you went back to staring at your coffee, waiting for it to cool down and letting silence hang in the air but for a shorter amount of time before you added “As for mentally stable though, I think I've got something close to it. My mind is in a stable situation as in a never-changing state.”

“Never-changing state? Wh-what would that be?”

“You know, normal stuff.” you shrugged, eyes still laced with sleep “Like an internet browser.”

“You mean... like a computer? Sharp and with a good memory?”

“No, I mean like a browser. Fifteen tabs are open, seven of them are frozen and I don't know where the music is coming from.” you said with a casual shrug “But there's nothing new about it. 'S pretty much the story of my life, how I've always been. 24/7 and it stays the same, so don't worry.”

“I-” Sam frowned even more deeply, blinking in confusion again before shaking his head and turning his head abruptly to look at his brother and mostly glare at him, before he whispered “You call this alright?”

“Well, just between you and I... yeah!” Dean shrugged “That's how she is man, we both know it.”

“Well, yes, obviously. But today she seems to be even more of... that! Seriously, Dean-” Sam sighed deeply, shaking his head “Work with me for a moment here, ok? Really do. Think well about this. Has something happened that could affect her? Something that maybe... you don't even know about? Something that she wouldn't tell you for one reason or another?”

“Not tell me? Why would she not-”

“I don't know. I mean-” Sam shrugged, face going more serious this time around “Does she have a reason to? Is there something there that would cause it? Is... Is everything ok between the two of you?”

“Of course, why else-” Dean started, defending himself and what you had, before it slowly started downing on him and he stopped abruptly, going serious immediately “I'll- I will go talk to her.”

“Are you sure about that? I mean, maybe you should wait a bit? Think this trough?” there was clear doubt in both Sam's voice and face, not that it deterred the older Winchester in the least bit. He was far too busy being worried abut other things than him messing up.

“Yeah, I've got this. Don't worry, I'll clear it all up.” he reassured his brother though Sam looked anything but reassured.

“Doubt that but alright, whatever you say.” Sam sighed “Just- Make sure to be calm. Be careful about this.”

Though Dean barely paid attention to half of the words, he gave a nod at his brother – which, alright, looked more dismissive than anything else – before making his way towards you.

“Hey, honey.” he said softly, slowly reaching out to take hold of your hand; the only thing you did was hum in acknowledgment, eyes focus on stirring your coffee.

“Alright uhm-” he cleared his throat, glancing at his younger brother who was looking closely at the two of you in concern “Hey, sweetheart, are you- How are you feeling today?” he corrected himself when he realized his previous question had already gotten an answer, albeit weird one.

“Oh just a lil bit tired. 'S all. But what else is new?” you shrugged, finally moving to slowly take a large sip of your coffee and sigh in content.

“I understand, the case was a bit tough for all of us. But things will get better, we'll take a break for some time if need be.” he nodded his head slowly, his fingers playing with yours as he hesitated for another second “I just- You know, you seem a bit off, so I- I couldn't help but feel slightly concerned about you. And I know you said you are ok but I wanted... I neededto ask you again if everything is really alright... between us?” his question managed to make you look up from your cup with a deepening frown and tilt of your head, fact that only put him even more on edge and made him worry even more.

“You felt concerned?” you question, glancing at Sam the same second he did.

“Yeah, I- well, we both did. But I even more so, you understand. So I just wanted to ask you. And honey, if- if I ever did anything, if I wronged you somehow, if- gosh, if I hurt you even, I am so sorry. I didn't- I didn't even realize it, I get so caught up with our hunts sometimes that... maybe I even neglect you. Some kind of boyfriend, I am.” he scoffed at himself, shaking his head “I know I suck sometimes, but you know I love you more than anything. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and to know that I might have somehow ruined this in any way, even in the slightest, hurts as hell. So I want you to tell me, I want us to talk, so I- so I can do my utmost to fix it. Something. Anything. So I can be better for you.”

“Fix it?” the more you only repeated his words in that careful, low tone the more the man panicked on the inside that things were much more wrong than he knew and wondered if there even was any fixing it.

“I- Well, I hope?” he asked slowly, before squeezing your hand “I just want us to be alright and it's clear that we're not. You just seem off and I was hoping you could talk to me about it, that I could change it. Is there anything I can do? Anything you need from me? Anything at all. You just tell me and I promise-”

“Well, since you started this-” you shrugged, straightening your back “I wasn't going to mention this but, yes, maybe you are right. There is something great I need, that I almost can't live without, and that I feel like I've been missing all this time. I really don't know how to tell you but in every relationship we must also think of ourselves, not our partner. There is no use in suffering just to make the other happy, it's not healthy. So I guess, enough is enough after some point, right?” you asked and he gave a weak nod “Dean-” you sighed heavily as he looked at you with almost wide, terrified eyes “I really need some space.”

Sam held his breath as he watched with almost wide eyes on his own the scene unfold before him, expecting anxiously his brother's reaction. He really hoped he didn't overreact, though, that his words were carefully thought, calm and collected instead of-

“You're breaking up with me?!” Dean nearly yelped the exclaim and Sam couldn't help but roll his eyes. There went the first option of a civilized conversation, right out of the window.

You held his gaze for a couple more seconds, face completely blank before you finally snapped or close to it as you punched Dean on the shoulder “You're taking up all the bed you little piece of shit! I just need some space to sleep comfortably without having the fear of ending up on the floor, you idiot! I haven't been able to sleep well for the entire week because of you just sprawl out on the damn bed and take up all of the freaking space!”

When a kick on the foot under the table followed, Sam couldn't help but snort and let the smile rest on his lips. Relief, no doubt ten times bigger, washed over his brother though Sam wasn't sure for how long it would last.

“I'm so-”

“Oh no, you don't get to apologize! You don't get to say shit about this Winchester. I barely slept two hours last night, two freaking hours! All the while you were sprawled and snoring softly and murmuring in your sleep and enjoying your time in freaking dreamland like Sleeping Beauty!” but you apparently could snap harder and much as it made Dean back down with wide eyes, Sam was thoroughly enjoying it “So you want to be a good boyfriend and really try to make our relationship work? How about you start with the freaking basics such as letting me survive! Cause last time I checked lack of sleep is detrimental to one's health.”

“I- I will. I promise, I-”

“You fucking better.” you hissed, glaring at him before you grabbed your cup and got up, pausing only to look at Sam but with less menace because, in all honesty, he wasn't the one that wouldn't let you sleep “See? That's why I didn't like falling in love! Before you know it you sacrifice everything that's important to you for the other one. From sleep to your favorite cake! At least back then I didn't have to share my bed with anyone, it was all mine. And gosh, I will forever mourn that last piece I didn't get to eat. See, back when we weren't together he would have never dared do something like that! Now he has the audacity to do than and think that makeup sex will solve everything.” you scoffed shaking your head before muttering “Have a good day Sammy.” and exiting the kitchen.

“You have a nice day, too, honey.” Dean said albeit a bit more hesitantly, voice small.

“Don't tell me what to do!” you yelled both so that he could hear you and so that he knew you were far from alright “And stay the fuck away from my leftover fries!”

“I- alright.” Dean let out a breath, eyes wide before he shook his head and cleared his throat “Ok, well, it's safe to say that we don't have to wonder or worry anymore, right? So, silver lining.”

“Well, that did look like an (Y/n) who hasn't slept well, so yes it's safe to say we can be sure about what troubles her. Though I don't think that you're far from done.”

“No, yeah, I had no such illusion.” Dean sighed, getting his cup and taking a sip “I'm definitely gonna be sleeping on the floor for the next week.”

“Hmm maybe make it two?”

[gh0stbra1nz]

my thoughts on aadsig ep 11 + overall

this episode was probably one of my favourites. the growth and the handling of emotions were done so well and everyone’s story has actually already reached a satisfying ending, even if it’s only the penultimate episode. genuinely one of the best concluded dramas － no loose ends, no character forgotten and no change too abrupt. as always the show hit very close to home, what with the father claiming that everyone looks down on him and the violent rage that follows (though when we’d told our father he’s delusional we ended up very differently from jun lol), with his reaction to being exposed (mine was only threatened once with a call to the police but the way the father in the drama handled it was so similar it struck me). 

jun’s growth is possibly the most satisfying, realistic and relatable for me. it was hard for him to stand up for himself and even harder to truly cut himself off from the pain that had made home in him for years, because at that point it really is a part of you and feels as though it shaped you into who you’ve become － it’s as though without it you are less than the nothing you already were. it’s something i still struggle with regarding this particular part of my life and seeing jun going through it was emotional, to say the least. 

the friendship in this show! i genuinely love how they portray relationships of all types. though the drama in itself wasn’t spectacular i do think the writing for each character’s personality and how they interact with one another was done really well.

in the end however the relationship between sobin and jun still feels incredibly dry romantically to me. their interactions just come off as friendly in my eyes and their playful flirting as awkward. i genuinely cannot see them as a couple and don’t think i ever will － and not solely because they wrote such a perfect relationship between soohyun and jun. frankly, sobin and jun just don’t click to me, at least.

on the other hand, soohyun and jun. i’ve talked a fair bit about why i love their dynamic and why i truly believe that they should have ended up together. honestly, throughout the majority of the show it felt as though the director and writer wanted to portray them as love interests for each other (or just, y’know, the usual queerbaiting stuff ig). the way scenes were cut/shot, the lingering stares, the subtle and not-so-subtle acts of affection and emphasis on their every interaction － loosely speaking, they were the two characters who interacted the most in the whole show, so obviously they would feel to have the most chemistry and sound base for a relationship; because they’ve grown accustomed to one another, they’ve grown attached to one another, they’ve become so comfortable that jun opens up to soohyun about something as personal as his abuse, whilst sobin mostly keeps her emotional (and literal, at times when the presence of both was needed even, which i found questionable on her part as jun’s supposed partner) distance from jun, both of her own volition and the latter’s. 

it was so interesting to see how soohyun and jun balanced each other out and what was incredibly validating of this was in today’s episode, when they were sitting on that bench and directly saying how they couldn’t imagine not having met each other. it’s come to the point that they truly can’t be without the other and whilst jun and sobin talk about missing each other a lot etc, it’s almost never shown, which makes it harder for me as a viewer to believe it when jun and hyun actually show their need for closeness and a genuine interest in the other. 

in the end, sobin felt more like a buffer of sorts to keep things heteronormative because － and i mean this objectively － her role in the story and growth of the characters was quite literally non-existent. her character brought about minimal change for that of a main which solidifies the idea in my mind that she was there to keep things straight and that’s it. if we were to imagine the show without her, honestly not much changes? there are no effects on jun or hyun who are fellow mains － actually, even just skipping her existing scenes when watching the show is enough to give base to my opinion on her writing. even if soohyun and jun wouldn’t be canonically paired up in the end in a version without her, their interactions and dynamic are so layered with romanticism that it’d be an unavoidable thought in the viewer’s mind and an inevitable conclusion that they do, at least, feel something for each other. the second official version of the show's poster wouldn't help either. sobin felt very much to be there merely to put some distance between canon and this idea.

this is not to shit on sobin but rather how she was written. initially i was interested in her story and how it would entangle with the others, but half way through or so she reached a peak and fell flat, no longer having the mystery of her full story to carry her left her character with no purpose and to serve only as a filler. if they had to write her as jun’s partner i wish they’d put more thought and effort into how the two, and particularly she, behaved with who she supposedly loved, because whilst once we learned all of hyun’s story his presence remained fundemental to the plot and jun’s character － not to mention he himself keeps changing for the better － sobin doesn’t carry any weight in the storyline, nor does she affect the characters or continue her road to growing. in all, it seemed as though her character － of the three mains － was the one that underwent the least transformation.

as for soohyun, i know nothing about the manhwa except for the fact that he’s the gay character in it. in the drama, so far, unless they decide to abruptly shove miju or youngran (?) in his face and we dismiss that brief scene of him putting his finger down when asked if he liked one of the girls, he has actually never truly shown romantic interest in anyone (besides jun but that’s my opinion lmao). even if they erased his sexuality (despite the fact that this show was going for the air of progression and being true to one’s self) they at least － so far － haven’t forced him with a woman which is something small to appreciate (the bar is low). 

in the end i’m happy i was queerbaited into watching this drama because, whilst not perfect, it resonated with me a lot and both hyun and jun have come to mean a lot to me as characters. it was realistic and respectful in portraying trauma and mental health issues which i really appreciated. 

[melanielocke]

Lost in the Shadows - Chapter 10

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Taglist: @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite

CW: Discussion of toxic relationship

Lucie was under the impression Alastair liked Thomas, but Lucies texts only made him more nervous. Even if Alastair smiled back, even if some things he said could hint at romantic feelings, Thomas had no clue how to make a move on people, much less Alastair. After dinner, they talked a bit more, about books, history, places they wished to travel. Alastair told him that he’d once read Machiavelli’s the Prince for comfort, but had since replaced it with Marx’ the Communist Manifesto. Thomas, who read mostly fiction, found it hard to imagine those books as something one read for comfort, but he promised he’d give the Communist Manifesto a try.

‘My ex recommended the Prince,’ Alastair explained. ‘In retrospect, the book suits him pretty well. It’s about power, manipulation, and he was all about that.’

‘As in, he manipulated you?’ Thomas asked.

‘He wants to get into politics, and I think he cares more about holding a position of power than about doing what’s best for the country. But he also manipulated me,’ Alastair said, showing no emotion. ‘He was very obsessed with his own social status and image, and would have done anything to improve that. I would not have reflected well on his image, so he kept me a secret and made me believe it was what was best for me.’

Thomas was certain he would be a better partner to Alastair than his exif they were in a relationship, but figured that was a pretty low bar. He didn’t know much about relationships, had never been in one, and wasn’t sure he knew how any of that worked, or how to be with someone with such a bad past experience. He didn’t want to hurt Alastair by accident. Perhaps his parents had some advice, but then he’d first have to tell them he liked boys. Which he planned to, but he had not yet figured out the right words, the right occasion.

‘How did you come out to your parents?’ he asked Alastair.

His parents were outside, they wouldn’t overhear. Thomas hoped they wouldn’t walk in out of a sudden, but if they did… Well, then at least they’d know and Thomas wouldn’t have to prepare a speech.

‘I only came out to my mother and aunt Risa,’ Alastair said. ‘Not to my father, nor do I care to.’

‘So, did you prepare a speech or anything?’ Thomas asked.

‘I did, because I suspected my mother and aunt Risa might not understand or know much about gay people, so I’ve mostly been educating them on various sexualities and gender identities. Risa actually discovered she is asexual and aromantic after I explained those concepts to her. Why do you ask?’

Thomas turned red, he laughed nervously. ‘I’ve been meaning to tell my parents I’m gay, but haven’t found the right time, or figured out how to tell them.’

‘You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Do you want them to know?’ Alastair asked.

Thomas considered Alastair’s question for a moment. ‘Yes, I do. I think it would be easier if they knew and I would rather tell them before I am in a relationship instead of introducing a boyfriend. Since that would be awkward for him as well. Mainly, I just want them to know but I don’t want an awkward conversation.’

‘I think your problem is that you’re too determined to do it perfect,’ Alastair said. ‘Your parents seem very open and accepting, I don’t think you have to worry.’

‘No, I know that,’ Thomas said.

He felt stupid. Alastair must have had a much harder time telling people, he hadn’t known beforehand that his mother would be accepting. Thomas was fairly certain his parents would love him no matter what, and yet here he was complaining to Alastair about how difficult he found it to come out.

‘I know it can still be scary,’ Alastair said. ‘I was fairly certain Cordelia wouldn’t mind at all, yet I postponed telling her for a long time. Of course in my case it could have saved me a lot of misery, had I told her sooner.’

‘What do you mean?’ Thomas asked.

‘She realized almost immediately after I told her that my ex boyfriend was treating me badly, when I did not. It took her a couple of weeks to convince me, but I realized she was right and then I broke up with him.’ Alastair paused. ‘It’s nice to have someone to talk about it. For a long time, I had only him and he actively discouraged me from telling anyone else.’

‘I’m guessing he wasn’t out?’ Thomas asked. ‘He thought being gay would reflect badly on him as a politician?’

‘No, I don’t think that was the problem. He was private about his sexuality, but I think his friends and family knew. I don’t blame him for that, I understand it’s not always easy to talk about and there can be consequences when people know. But I think in his case, he didn’t want people to know about me because I was so much younger, he probably knew grooming a teenager would reflect badly on him. He always said it was because I wasn’t out that he wanted to keep our relationship a secret, that he wanted to protect me from judgement, but I doubt that was true. I never wanted to be someone’s secret.’

Thomas frowned. ‘Wait, how much younger were you?’

‘Six years. I met him when I was fourteen and entered a relationship with him at sixteen.’

Then Alastair’s ex must have been twenty two at the time? Thomas, at eighteen, considered sixteen year old boys children and had no romantic interest in them. He preferred to look at boys his own age, maybe a little older. Despite being a year ahead in his education, Alastair was only a couple of months older than him. He couldn’t imagine being interested in a teenager when he was in his early twenties.

‘I didn’t realize at the time that the age difference was a red flag,’ Alastair explained. ‘I felt very mature, to have caught the attention of someone older. He told me, over and over, that I was very mature for my age, that he couldn’t believe I was still so young.’

Thomas suspected most teenagers would be flattered to be called mature, to be taken seriously by an adult. It was a vile sort of manipulation, to seek out someone young and vulnerable and isolated, someone who would easily fall for such compliments, only to take advantage of them and treat them badly.

‘How did you tell Cordelia?’ Thomas asked.

‘She realized something was not right,’ Alastair said. ‘She realized I was sneaking out at night, that I was barely eating and losing weight because I was so nervous. She said I was “being even more difficult than usual, and that’s saying something”. So I told her not to worry about it and that I was just sneaking out to see my boyfriend. I said I’d wanted to tell her, but wasn’t sure yet if I was ready, and that he had recommended I don’t tell anyone yet. She started asking a lot of questions about my relationship. At first it was in a supportive way, what did he look like, what were his interests. She kind of freaked out when she learnt about the age gap, and the more she asked about how he treated me, the more concerned she became. She’s been very protective of me ever since.’

‘I’m so sorry. Not that it’s my fault, or there’s anything I could have done, but I’m just sorry. That it happened to you. I’m glad your sister is protective of you. As long as she’s not too protective, I mean,’ Thomas said. ‘I know from experience too much protection can be suffocating.’

A small smile appeared on Alastair’s face, and Thomas realized he so rarely did. He had a very pretty smile that lit up his dark eyes.

‘I found it confusing most of all. As the oldest sibling, I always thought it was my duty to protect her, not the other way around. But Cordelia is fierce, and I love that about her. This one time we ran into him while shopping, not long after the break up. He tried to approach me while Cordelia was getting us ice cream, and when she returned and saw him she threatened to expose him as an abuser and child groomer on all her social media channels if he didn’t back off.’

‘Isn’t what he did illegal anyway?’ Thomas asked. ‘Since you were a minor? Couldn’t you go to the police if he kept harassing you?’

‘Age of consent is sixteen, so even if he was much older it was legal for him to have sex with me,’ Alastair explained. ‘It would be illegal if he was my teacher or in any way in a position of power over me, but he was not. He must have been aware of how those laws work and I think perhaps he waited until I was sixteen so it would be legal.

Him harassing me might be enough to get a restraining order, but honestly I don’t trust the police to believe me over him. Besides, I have no intention of sharing something so personal with police officers. I expect them to not care at best and I think it is likely they will be racist and homophobic and will blame me for what happened.

Cordelia has enough followers on twitter and Instagram to get the story out if we wanted to and it’s a decent threat, but I’ve asked her not to.’

‘From what you’ve told me, he fully deserves to be exposed,’ Thomas said.

He was angry on Alastair’s behalf, and Thomas guessed Alastair was right that as an Iranian gay man he could not trust the police to help him.

‘It’s not so much about whether he deserves it or not. I’m still processing what happened, and I don’t want to be judged by strangers on the internet. I consented to everything sexual we did even if it was coerced, and not everyone will understand all the subtle manipulation involved. I know people will claim it was all my fault, and if I didn’t want it I should have just said no. Or that after breaking up I decided to ruin his life by telling lies. He has powerful friends, I do not. I admire the bravery of the people who expose rapists and abusers on the internet, but I can’t put myself through that right now.’

Thomas felt nauseous, the idea of Alastair being manipulated into having sex with a much older man was difficult for him to process. It made him angry, Alastair had given this man everything, had loved him. How could someone have taken advantage of such a beautiful and passionate man? People often accused Thomas of being too kind, too compassionate, of trying to empathize too much with people who did bad things, but he was fairly certain that if he ever encountered the person who did this to Alastair, he would feel nothing but anger and hatred towards him. And he’d make sure whoever it was would never hurt Alastair again.

He wanted to show support, he wanted to love Alastair, but wasn’t sure how. He knew it was a big step for him, to open up so much, he knew Alastair was very private and trusted him as much as he knew how to trust. Thomas was terrified of letting him down, of breaking his trust.

‘Did he at least back off after that threat?’ Thomas asked.

‘I haven’t seen him in real life again, but he has been texting me until I blocked his number. He is part of the reason I came here, something I needed to get away from. You have provided a decent distraction and I am grateful. I have never… had a friend like you.’

Thomas wasn’t sure how to feel about that statement. He liked being trusted, he loved that Alastair valued him, but at the same time he wanted to be more to him than just a friend. But Alastair needed a friend, Thomas told himself. And perhaps Alastair would fall in love with him over time, perhaps someday they could be together. If not, being his friend would still be worth it.

‘Now, would you want to play another game of ludo before I return to the Herondales? I am certain the dice will be on my side this time,’ Alastair said.

The dice were not on Alastair’s side. The difference in rolls were at the very least statistically improbable, but Thomas wasn’t great at math. He won by a landslide.

‘You’re older than me,’ Thomas offered as an explanation.

Alastair frowned. ‘Only by a few months, and what does that have to do with anything?’

‘I have a theory that dice games like this one favor the young,’ Thomas explained. ‘I used to play this game with my sisters and I always did better. Of course, Barbara would usually let me win with games, but that’s difficult with a game like this. But most of my friends are younger than me, and with Lucie I don’t have nearly this amount of luck. And when I played with my younger cousin Alexander, my rolls are as pathetic as yours. Of course, that’s for the best because he’s three and he throws the game across the room when he loses.’

‘Nothing you just said makes sense,’ Alastair pointed out. ‘The dice can’t tell how old you are.’

‘Perhaps there’s a little spirit in there,’ Thomas said with a smile. ‘Something that realizes if little Alexander loses, painful things will happen to it. It probably dreads the day Alexander will play against children his age.’

Thomas guessed that might not be the best idea, at that age all children were sore losers. Most three year olds didn’t play together yet anyway, it was more parallel play what they did. Alastair left after losing another game, and at the end Thomas might have convinced him of his theory.

‘I’ll meet you here after breakfast for another walk,’ Alastair said with a small smile that made Thomas’ heart race. He hoped he wasn’t showing that. Would Alastair suspect Thomas liked him, now that he knew Thomas was gay? He wasn’t sure if he wanted Alastair to. If Alastair returned his feelings, sure. But if not, what if Alastair would retreat in his shell again, what if he didn’t want to be his friend anymore?

‘See you tomorrow,’ Thomas said. ‘Good night.’

Thomas didn’t sleep well that night. He dreamt of a castle, surrounded by dark forest. He didn’t know where he was, or what was happening. On a surface level, it didn’t even seem so scary but a voice inside Thomas was telling him to run as fast as he could to get away from there, yet he couldn’t move. He wasn’t sure what he was running from exactly, but he woke up drenched in sweat at six in the morning. He didn’t feel rested exactly, but didn’t think he’d fall asleep again, so instead he changed the sheets on his bed and took a quick shower before putting on some clothes.

It would probably be some time until Alastair showed up, so Thomas made breakfast, and took his time to eat before settling in the garden. Gnomes were early risers, and Thomas liked watching them run around. Here they weren’t used to being seen though, and any indication that Thomas did see resulted in them running away and hiding, peeking out of the bushes on occasion to see if he was still there. Thomas put out a plate of cookies, perhaps they would become more trusting to humans who could see them overtime.

He sat there, reading a book Lucie had given him a while back. Ever since Thomas had told her he liked boys, Lucie had recommended books about queer men and right now he was reading Winter’s Orbit, a science fiction story about two men in an arranged political marriage. The amount of miscommunication and hopeless pining was almost painful to read, but also enjoyable. Thomas guessed he wasn’t much better, he still had no idea how to tell Alastair how he felt. Hopefully, he could finish the book before dying, he desperately wanted to know if these two could figure out their feelings for each other before it was too late.

‘What are you reading?’

Thomas looked up to see Alastair, dressed in a black Metallica t shirt and black jeans. He summarized the book he was reading.

‘It was a gift from Lucie,’ he said.

‘It sounds interesting,’ Alastair said. ‘I like books with some political drama. Can I borrow it when you finish?’

‘Sure. And in case I don’t get to finish it, I’ll write you into my will and leave you this book.’

Alastair groaned. ‘Please do not make jokes about you dying.’

Thomas sometimes felt like making jokes about it was the only way to cope. In reality, the idea that he was very likely to die was terrifying, even if the people around him kept assuring him he was going to be fine.

‘Sorry. I hope you’ll like this book. Although… one of the main characters was abused by a previous partner. Would that be an issue?’

Alastair tilted his head. ‘I think then maybe I should wait until I read it. That’s difficult with reading fiction, not all authors offer content warnings and going in unprepared can be devastating. When I know it’s coming… It’s easier, but I’m not sure if I want to do that right now solely to read a book.’

Thomas nodded. ‘I can imagine. If you want any books that don’t have topics that are triggering for you, I’ll try and see if I have anything. Or you can ask Lucie.’

‘I’ll think about it. Being able to read fiction while being prepared through content warnings is something I’m trying to work towards. No idea how long that will take, according to my therapist I’m too impatient. You coming? This early, there might still be some hedgehogs,’ Alastair said with a grin.

‘You really like hedgehogs,’ Thomas pointed out.

‘When I was a child I wanted one for a pet, but my parents didn’t think that was a good idea. Instead, I could have a goldfish. They’re very popular in Iran, people get them for the Persian new year celebration, Nowruz. People usually release them into a river or pond after the celebration, so that’s what Risa did. My parents weren’t too happy about it. At the time, I believed he would probably be happier there anyway than in a bowl, but it is likely he died within days. I don’t think it’s good for the environment either, and many Iranians are pushing back against the tradition because of that. Did you have pets growing up?’

‘Most of my childhood, because I was so sick, my parents didn’t think it was a good idea. They were afraid a pet might carry diseases I would be more vulnerable to,’ Thomas said. ‘But I hope I can adopt cats someday. And Barbara and Oliver have two guinea pigs.’

‘My cousin Jem has a cat,’ Alastair said. ‘Little beast hates everyone, but adores Jem.’

‘Do you see him often?’ Thomas asked. ‘Jem, I mean.’

‘Not really. My father never wanted him near our family, I think because he was afraid Jem would see right through him. But now that we don’t live with Father anymore, I see him occasionally. He offered me to come live with him, but I’m not sure. I still feel like I barely know him.’

They didn’t find any hedgehogs during their walk, presumably because the fog had gotten so thick they wouldn’t see any if they were there. Although Thomas was fairly certain they were taking the same route they had yesterday and during their first walk, everything looked different. He told himself it was probably the fog, but he couldn’t quite convince himself.

‘I don’t remember these ruins,’ Alastair said.

Thomas’ followed Alastair’s gaze and saw the ruins of a very old building. Of course, there were lots of old castles in Scotland, but Thomas hadn’t read anything about ruins in these woods.

‘Do you think we should take a look?’ he asked carefully. ‘I’m not seeing anything unusual.’

‘Apart from ruins that weren’t here yesterday?’

‘We must have taken a different path,’ Thomas said.

‘Sure,’ Alastair said and Thomas didn’t think he believed it. ‘Under normal circumstances, I would not take another step, but if we are to save your life we need information. Perhaps those ruins hold something of interest.’

[libsterslobsters]

Whole Lotta Love

Synopsis: For some people, Valentine’s Day is another word for "stress", especially when you don't know what the other person is expecting. Several years into their relationship, Bucky’s pretty sure he has a good understanding of the Reader, until a word from Sam makes him question everything he thinks he knows. The race is on to make their first Valentine’s Day since saying their vows a special one, but as per usual, fate has it's own ideas about what will make the holiday truly memorable

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem! Enhanced! Super-soldier Reader

(Reader can see bits and pieces of the future in visions as well as speak every language)

Warnings: Smut, Fluff

Author's note: This fic contains references to earlier stories. For more information, click the series masterlist link. As always, the reader is unnamed so that this can be read as a self-insert, but at this point, I think of her as an OC.

The song referenced is Hearts Don't Break Around Here by Ed Sheeran

Series Masterlist

A The Song Remains The Same Fic

---------‐-----------------------------------

“So, Valentine’s Day.”

Bucky doesn’t look up from his laptop (or more specifically, the field report he’s typing) at Sam’s words. Despite his concentration, he can tell that his partner is staring at him, boring holes into his back with his gaze.

“Uh-huh.” He’s listening, but so far, he doesn’t care.

“What are you doing for it?” For Valentine’s day? Um…

“Not much.” It’s a Tuesday this year, right? Then probably working, like most other people, he’d imagine.

The room is silent as he types, so Bucky assumes that settles the matter. That is, until Sam mutters a quiet, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

“About what?” How many paragraphs does he have to type before he can pass this off as a full report? When he joined the Avengers, he thought the hardest part of his job would be the bad guy of the week, not doing paperwork!

“You’re really not doing anything for Valentine’s Day? Seriously?” He nods absentmindedly and clicks the save icon. He’ll finish this tomorrow. It’s five o’clock. Time to head home. Home to-

“What’s your wife gonna think about that?” He shrugs and cuts the power to the laptop.

“She thinks that the whole holiday is a rip-off. See you Monday?” He turns around for confirmation, only to catch Sam staring at him, mouth hanging wide open. “What?”

“A rip-off?” Is he just going to be stuck repeating himself?

“Yep.” Told him that the first February 14th they spent together.

“And you actually believed her?”

He nods. “She’s not one to lie.”

Sam nods incredulously. “Uh-huh. And are you planning to ever have sex again?”

He’s not going to dignify that with an answer (because really, isn’t it obvious?).

“Fine.” Sam shrugs. “You do you, man. All I’m saying is, if I had a wife who looked like that-” he indicates the lock screen of Bucky’s phone (a picture of her laughing, telling him to put away the damn camera after wrestling the dog for the tie to her favorite robe). “-I’d have my V-day plans set up a month in advance.”

Normally Bucky would take what Sam says with a grain of salt, but he is after all a man out of time, so maybe it’s worth considering that his partner may be right.

“What would you suggest I do?”

“Outside of the bedroom?” He narrows his eyes at the Falcon. “Okay, bad joke.” Sam scratches at the back of his head, thinking. “I don’t know, man. That’s your girl. You know her best, but flowers are always a good place to start.” Good to know that hasn’t changed since the 1940s. Although, last time he brought her flowers, she spent the afternoon sneezing until he eventually convinced her that it was okay, he wouldn’t be offended, she should throw the damn things out. Then again, that was before she was a super soldier.

“Flowers.” He repeats, earning a nod from Sam.

“You can get creative. Do a little research. But I’m just saying, when a woman waits five years for you to reappear, the least she deserves is a few flowers.” On that, they can agree.

He must bid Sam some sort of goodbye and make his way through the Avengers compound, but he’s unaware of anything until he’s in the parking lot, sitting behind the wheel of his car, googling “What to do for your wife on Valentine’s Day.” There’s a web page that boasts twenty different selections. Might as well give it a look.

___________________________________________________________________________________

She’s nearly home when her phone dings with a text from Barnes. “Just got in. Forgot to get milk. Can you swing by on your way, or should I go to the gas station and pick up a gallon?” A frown forms on her face. It’s pretty rare that Bucky forgets things. Must’ve been a hell of a day at work, then. Either that, or his brain has completely turned to mush thanks to typing out field reports. Either way-

“I got it. See you in twenty.” She thinks about tacking on a “love you”, but the light turns green before she can.

The grocery store is packed thanks to so many people getting off work. There’s only three carts left, all with bad wheels. She chooses the least squeaky option and, grabbing an add on her way, heads into the grocery store. Milk, and if she remembers right from this morning, they’re running dangerously low on coffee and tea. Despite caffeine having absolutely no effect on their enhanced bodies, both of them are nightmares to be around in the mornings without their beverages of choice. Force of habit and all.

She’s halfway to the checkout when she sees it. A sign, decorated in garish shades of red, pink, and purple. “All Valentine’s Day chocolates 10% off.” Shit. Yeah, that is coming up. To tell the truth, she’d completely forgot all about that day halfway through February. For most of her life, it only meant giving homemade cards at school when most kids had store-bought. Then, once she reached adulthood, it was a reminder that she was destined to be alone. Who would want someone who’s on the run, and what’s more, sees the future? Once she and Barnes got together, it didn’t change much. That first Valentine’s Day, he mentioned the holiday, and she shut it down immediately. They were both broke (or at least, he had no legitimate way of making money while she was broke), and celebrating a mostly commercial holiday seemed like a waste. Plus, she didn’t want to put a strain on a new relationship. Over the years, the subject never came up again, and she’s content for it to stay a non-starter, thank you very much. In her opinion, you should show your partner you love them every day of the year, not shoe-horn it into one twenty-four hour period. Call her unromantic if you must.

She’s completely immune to the various displays of cheap chocolate in heart-shaped boxes and overly sentimental cards as she approaches the register and starts to unload her items. Milk. Tea. That one specific brand of coffee that he likes because, “It tastes like what we drank in basic training. Terrible, but I kinda got used to it, so now everything else tastes like it’s trying too hard.” whatever that means. He’s right; she’s tasted it, and it’s fucking awful. Still, every morning, he drinks at least three cups while she drains her pot of tea.

“You got a hot date for Valentine’s Day, hun?” The cashier asks her, never breaking her rhythm as she rings up the items.

She chuckles. “As a matter of fact, yes.” The cashier’s eye go wide, and she holds up her left hand. “And every other day.”

“Ooh, nice. How long have you been together?”

“Nine years.” Wait… “Or four years, depending on which of us you ask. He blipped, I stayed.”

The cashier nods. “So are you older than him now?”

Physically? They’re not completely sure, but if you calculate the times he was off the ice with HYDRA and add that to the age he was before the serum, then they’re not far off. But chronologically- “No, he’s still older.” And yes, it will always be funny that Sam responds with “Okay, boomer” whenever Bucky makes an outdated reference (even if he’s off by a good twenty years).

With a little more light chatter, she pays for her items and leaves. Now, for home.

As soon as she opens the front door, she’s greeted by their dog, Sarge, barking excitedly and hopping around like he’s on a trampoline despite missing a leg. Bucky’s not far behind, placing a quick peck on her forehead before taking the bags from her and unloading them in the kitchen. Tonight’s his night to cook, but unless her nose has suddenly decided to give out, he hasn’t started dinner yet. She doesn’t mind taking over tonight, and when he sheepishly apologizes while she begins her preparations, she brushes it off. Although, for the second time in an hour, she’s seen proof of his unusual absentmindedness. Oh well. She’ll ask him about it later.

Despite being relieved from tonight’s chef duties, Bucky stays in the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar scrolling through his phone as she cooks. His expression is neutral, which can mean one of two things; a) he’s just killing time and there aren’t any interesting posts or articles vying for his attention, or at the opposite end of the spectrum, b) he’s deep in thought, possibly angry, sad, or even frightened, but he’s gone into Winter Soldier mode and shut down so that she won’t pick up on his mood. Damn the man and his poker face.

Eventually dinner is served and she sends him off toward the fridge in search of two beers while she serves their plates. Just as she’s spooning a generous helping of salad into her bowl, it happens. A vision, but a limited one. All she’s seeing is a phone. Well, that and the hand holding it. She’s not sure whether to be proud or embarrassed that she immediately recognizes the hand as Bucky’s, but that goes by the wayside as she takes in the article he’s reading. “Should you do something for Valentine’s Day even is she says no?” It’s a thread on some anonymous discussion board. The reply that has his attention is in reference to a now divorced individual who “was dumb enough to believe that, on our first V-Day as a married couple, she didn’t want anything.” Oh boy. Not good. This will be their first Valentine’s Day since exchanging vows, and if the fact that he’s read this reply (if not already read, will read soon) means that it’s at least crossed his radar that she might be feeding him bullshit. That’s not the case, but after his research, she knows from experience that no matter how much she tries to convince him otherwise, a small part of his mind will be stuck on, “But what if this is a big deal?” Which means-

“Doll, are you just gonna stand there with the salad tongs in your hand?” That snaps her out of it.

“No. Just a vision.” He frowns as she passes him his plate.

“Anything important happen?” Should she say?

“No.” She’s not sure if the smile or not, so she takes a bite from her roll to cover it. “Random sneak peek.” It’s not a lie. What she saw really isn’t important. Still, if he’s in that mindset, she should probably go on and do something for him just in case. After all, why should it only be the ladies who reap this holiday’s benefits?

___________________________________________________________________________________

Not flowers. That’s the one thing that, after copious amounts of research Bucky is one hundred percent certain about. They may still be a common romantic gift, but since they were also a go-to back when he was courting girls in the 1940s, it’s safe to say they’ve been overdone. Plus, he doesn’t really want to remind her of that time she had such a severe allergic reaction to the flowers he picked her on a walk through the park in Bucharest that her eyes nearly swelled shut and she sneezed herself sick. That doesn’t exactly seem like prime romance.

Chocolates or other candies have the same issues as flowers. Contrived and predictable. A bottle of wine is nice, but neither of them can so much as get mildly tipsy thanks to the super serum. The fourteenth is his day to cook, so he guesses he could do some reading and try to create something a little more special than spaghetti (he thought about going to a nice restaurant for dinner, but there’s a few issues with that, not the least of which is they’re likely to be recognized without their disguises, and he’d rather not look at his wife through sunglasses on Valentine’s day), but that seems a little underwhelming.

As he loads the dishwasher (she fell asleep half-way through the third episode of whichever nonsensical comedy they’re watching this week, so he sneaked back downstairs to clean up the dinner dishes), he thinks back to the dozen separate articles he read on the subject of Valentine’s Day gifts. Jewelry was a common theme, but that’s out. She’ll say thank you to his face, but worry about the cost behind his back. Plus, he has absolutely no idea what she’d like, and there’s no sense in purchasing something only for her to hate it.

Another common one was lingerie. Bucky almost choked on his tongue when he saw some of the examples given with that option. None of it looked comfortable (in fact, he’s still scratching his head about how you even put on one of the pieces that popped up on the web page) and he doesn’t want to give her the impression that she has to dress up for him. Even putting all that aside, he has no idea what size she’d even wear. He likes to think that he knows his wife pretty well, but somehow, in all their years together, it never occurred to him to ask her for her clothing sizes. That, and have you even seen the bra sizing system? Does it make sense to anyone, because to Bucky, it’s all gibberish. 32 B? 36 DD? What the hell? Somehow, when HYDRA was training him to extract information, they failed to go over the translation of a woman’s bra size. He supposes he could ask, but he’s not sure there’s a non-suspicious way to work, “Hey, sweetheart. What size are your breasts?” into casual conversation.

Sam said to get creative, so he tried to think outside the box. What’s something she really needs? A new vacuum cleaner is the first thing to come to mind, but he’s not stupid enough to think that would make a good gift. He knows she’s had her eye on a set of throwing stars, but that doesn’t seem to correlate well with what this holiday is all about. That’ll keep until her birthday.

He’s still wracking his brain for anything at all that might work when he feels a wet nose poking at his hand. Sarge. “Hey, boy. Has your mom gone to bed?” The response is a quiet “woof” and lick to his palm. He scratches the mutt behind the ears, smiling to himself as Sarge’s back leg thumps at the treatment.

“What do you think we should get our girl? Huh?” There’s no reply (of course not, he’s talking to a dog), but he nods, pretending all the same that Sarge has offered up a suggestion. “A bone. Yeah, somehow I don’t think that’s her thing. Try again.” The dog blinks at him lazily. “No, you’re the one who wants new tennis balls. Not Mom. Although you’re right about her liking peanut butter.” At this rate, he might as well get her a bone and some tennis balls, because he’s sure not coming up with any ideas.

She likes music. The thought pops into his head while he’s brushing his teeth. All sorts of music. Over the years, he’s tried to make sense of the songs he’s heard her listen to, but has yet to find a discernible pattern in her listening habits. She doesn’t seem to stick to just one genre or era. More like she picks songs by how they relate to what she’s feeling at the moment. Wait a second-

“A mixtape.” His reflection mouths the words back at him. Despite technology having moved on from the days of burning CDs, she still has a thick stack of the disks stored in a cabinet and plays them on the regular. He’s even seen a few that she made herself, pasting together the songs she likes to make a “Cleaning mix”, “Workout Mix” and “Pissed off Mix”. Bucky’s sure he could figure out how to burn a CD, but it’s not like she’d be able to listen to that everywhere she went. That leaves a playlist. She uses one of those apps to listen to music on her phone, right? Surely he can put something together for her using that.

Quietly, he climbs into bed next to his sleeping wife and pulls her back against his chest, slinging one arm over her waist as usual. He closes his eyes, but his mind is alight with activity. A playlist. Of course. He’ll put some extra effort into whatever he cooks that night, stop by a bakery and pick up some sweet treats for dessert. Hell, maybe they’ll both dress up and act like they’re on a date. Then, once they’re sitting down to their meal, he’ll pull out his phone and hit play. It’s perfect. At least, he hopes it is.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Putting on a lacy bra and panties set underneath her regular work attire seemed like a brilliant idea this morning. Today’s a short day; she’s only got three classes to teach, and Rhodey called last night to tell Bucky that he’s suspending work hours at three pm “Since most people have holiday preparations to make.” Her plan was to be waiting on the sofa in the living room when he arrives home, professional button-down blouse open just enough for him to get a good look at what’s underneath, pencil skirt pushed up enough to reveal the stockings and garters she’s donned for the occasion. It’s fun, with just enough cheesiness to match this whole holiday. And, well, it’s a guarantee that by the end of the night they’ll be in bed together, both rumpled, sweaty, and satisfied. Perfect, right?

Wrong. On her drive to work, her skimpy underwear began to ride up, giving her a wedgie, and there was no way to adjust without running the risk of wrecking. She was so distracted by her discomfort that she missed her exit, and by the time she arrived at the college, she was running so behind that she didn’t get the chance to run to the bathroom and readjust. Her lecture on sentence diagrams was pure torture before the underwire from her bra decided to join in the fun and poke her directly in the ribs, but with that addition, she was especially impatient with her students’ tendency to joke around a little too much in class.

Luckily, she had just enough time to wrap the exposed metal bit in tissues before her next class, which eliminated the pain in her chest, but did nothing to alleviate the discomfort once her stockings began to slide down, having at some point disconnected themselves from the garters. She taught like that for the next two classes, but as soon as they were over, she pealed the whole ensemble off in the teacher’s restroom and changed into her gym clothes. Alright, screw the whole seduction routine. She needs to blow off some steam and fast, or else she’ll be in a bad mood all night.

That’s why, thirty minutes later, she finds herself in the training room of the Avengers compound, working over a punching bag. “Fuck-” Her fist connects, making the bag swing crazily from it’s hook. “-this- whole- day!” It goes sailing, and she feels a little better.

“Ouch!” The voice comes from behind her and she whirls around, gaze resting on-

“Sam.” The man in question holds up his hands in an “I surrender” gesture.

“Don’t shoot! I come in peace.” Rolling her eyes, she holds up her middle finger, receiving a snicker in acknowledgment.

“Just working off a little frustration before I head home.”

“Good.” Sam chuckles. “’cause otherwise, I’d be worried that when Barnes pulls out his dick tonight, you’ll bite it off.” She thinks about telling him that there’s no chance of that, but she might just cut off his if he crosses her. However, that jogs her memory.

“Has he left yet?” Sam nods.

“About an hour ago. Said he had to pick up groceries.” Shit. There goes her plan to shower, throw the damn lingerie back on and proceed as planned.

Bidding Sam a hasty reply, she makes tracks towards her car and, once inside, heads for home. Fine. New plan. She’ll shower once she arrives and then when the evening is drawing to a close, wait for him in bed. Nodding to herself, she puts the car in park and climbs out. Now, to psych herself up enough in the next few hours to put the damn lingerie back on.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Where did he go wrong? It takes all of Bucky’s self control not to spit out the spoonful of sauce he just tasted. This was supposed to be an easy recipe for Chicken Alfredo (or at least, that’s what the website boasted; he should’ve known better than to get his information from the internet and stuck to a good old-fashioned cookbook from the library). Not… whatever the hell this is. Maybe even if the sauce is nauseating, the chicken is okay?

He pulls open the oven door, and immediately smoke billows out, making his eyes water. Okay, chicken’s a little well-done. Who is he kidding? Black. The chicken is burned black. And the pasta… he lifts the pot lid and stirs, only to come to the realization that the pasta is completely stuck to the bottom of the pot. Wonderful.

It’s inevitable; over the years, he’s had his fair share of cooking disasters, but usually he does okay. Tonight though… who the hell up there did he piss off, because the only explanation for how badly this is going is his karma coming due.

Still holding the offending spoon, he looks over at Sarge, who’s staring at him, long pink tongue sticking out as he pants. “Trust me, boy. You don’t want any of this.” There has to be something else he can pull together on short notice. Normally he’d be worried that she’s running late without so much as a text, but today he’s relieved. At least if she’s running behind he’ll have time to… what? Maybe order takeout? Before she gets-

“I’m home.” Shit.

Sarge yips, shaking with excitement, and starts towards the kitchen door, then turns back, uncertain. “Go on. I know you’re dying to jump on her and lick her face.” Something they really should be training out of him because he’s getting too big for that sort of behaviour but, well… there’s a reason they call them “puppy dog eyes.”

Not needing to be coaxed, the dog takes off, tripping a little in the momentary lapse in his memory that he’s a tripod, but easily catches himself and goes on his merry way, leaving Bucky to clean up his mess. From the sound of things, a game of fetch is going on in the living room, so she should be distracted for a while.

He manages to pour the sauce down the drain and scrape most of the pasta into the trash while Sarge is acting as a decoy, but there’s absolutely no way he can dispose of the chicken without tipping her off (damn enhanced senses, it’s a wonder she hasn’t already smelled it). Finally, he decides to just go for it. She’s going to notice whether he throws it out now or two hours from now. Might as well get a head start on cleaning.

Sure enough, not ten seconds after he empties out the oven, he catches a movement in his peripheral vision, and the familiar sound of her breathing tips him off that he’s no longer alone.

“Hey, Doll.”

“Hey, Bucky. Did something burn in here, or-” He holds up the pan for her inspection before continuing his scraping.

“That’s one way to put it, yeah.” He slams the lid back on the trashcan and turns on the tap, intent on rinsing out the pan. “Another is whoever the god of culinary arts is has it in for me today.”

She chuckles. “You know, that would be funnier if we didn’t actually know a god.”

“Yeah, but he’s in control of thunder.” He meets her eyes, smirking slightly. “Although it did look like I electrocuted the bird.” Her lips quirk up into a smile, and he takes the opportunity to kiss her, cupping the back of her head gently to hold her in place when she tries to move away, muttering something about being sweaty.

He’s not entirely sure how it happened, but by the time they come up for air, her back his pressed against the wall and he’s got her pinned in place. Not that he’s complaining.

“Anyone ever tell you that the tip of your nose turns pink after you’ve been kissed?’ Her cheeks go rosey in response.

“I think so. One guy did. I told him it’s only when I’m kissed properly.”

He really would like to continue the playful banter, but there’s still the small matter of whatever it is they’re going to eat.

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight?”

“Apart from electrocuted chicken?” He responds with a swat to her ass, which earns him a snicker. “Let’s keep it simple. Pizza. Your choice of toppings.” Right, that’s easy enough. Plus, if they have to wait longer than thirty minutes, it’s free.

“Okay. I’ll order while you shower?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

He’s just pulled up the menu on his phone when the sound of her clearing her throat attracts his attention. She’s standing in the doorway, combing through her freshly let down hair with her fingers, a playful look in her eyes.

“Or you could join me. Just a mild suggestion.”

Dinner can wait for a while.

___________________________________________________________________________________

The Brooklyn townhouse they live in has many nice features. There’s a functional if small screened in back porch, big enough to hold a table for two and a grill. Two bedrooms, on the off chance someone from work needs to crash for a night or two. A kitchen with a dishwasher. A working fireplace. Good closet space. And an en suite bathroom.

Maybe it’s a little ridiculous to call a bathroom luxurious, especially when, in comparison to what’s featured in many brownstones, it’s more than modest, but she can’t help but think of it as such. There’s a double sink so that in the morning rush to get ready, Bucky’s able to shave and brush his teeth without having to wait for her to finish applying her makeup. Shelving above the toilet makes certain that even if the last person to shower took the towel with them, another one is on hand. Speaking of the shower, it’s not the largest one in the world, but both of them can fit in comfortably at the same time, which is what’s lead to their current situation.

She’s just finished allowing the water to course over her body, easing the sweat from her skin, and is about to begin the process of washing her hair, scrubbing her body, but she hesitates. She might as well ask. It’s only practical after all.

“Do you want to start now or get cleaned up and have dinner beforehand?” It’s obvious what she’s referring to, so she doesn’t bother to spell it out.

His brown knits, and if she didn’t know him as… intimately… as she does, she’d actually believe he’s confused.

“Oh, so you’re just assuming there’s gonna be sex involved at some point tonight?”

She shrugs, wringing out her hair.

“Seemed like a safe enough bet.” She glances pointedly between the two of them. “After all, we’re already undressed. “

His laugh is a quiet huff, barely discernible over the sound of the water. “Then I’d say start now, have dinner, then go for round two. Sound about right to you?”

She nods. “Solid plan.”

“Then get over here.”

Unlike the welcome home kiss they shared not half an hour ago, this one is less tender, more electric. Hands twist in hair, bodies press together. Tongues begging for entrance quickly give way to teeth nipping at bottom lips, an unspoken sparring match for who’ll be in control this time around. Ultimately he wins, grasping her hips and lifting as she wraps her legs securely around his back.

There’s no need for prep; the teasing of their earlier words is foreplay enough. Back pressed against the wall, her body easily welcomes him in as she braces one arm against the glass shower doors for balance. Any concerns about slipping and falling wash away as they move together like so many times before. She’s sure her nails will leave marks on his back, fingertips digging in for purchase and it’s a guarantee her hips will be littered with fingerprints from his grip, but she can’t find it in her to care, and if the desperate, bruising kiss assaulting her lips is anything to judge from, neither can he.

“So damn good, Doll.” It’s panted against her neck. “Always. So damn perfect for me.” All she can manage is a moan in response.

She feels him twitch inside of her and knows he’s close. So is she, but she can’t quite get there without-

As if he’s read her mind, he reaches between them to touch her where she needs it most, and on instinct, she readjusts, locking her arm around his neck to stay in place. “Let go, sweetheart. Can you do that for me?” She couldn’t disobey if she wanted to.

“Fuck.” As her walls contract around him, he pulls out just in time to paint her middle with his release.

“That’s one word for it.” She’s still fighting to catch her breath, but she shoots him a shaky smirk, which he returns.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Mrs. Barnes.” Snickering, she releases him to stand on unsteady legs and pecks his legs.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Barnes.” Maybe there’s something to this holiday after all.

___________________________________________________________________________________

“You want the last slice?” Bucky considers it for a moment before deciding-

“Nah. You can have it.” It may not be exactly what he planned, but it’s been a good night. Between the two of them, they’ve gone through two large pizzas while watching the new version of Beauty and the Beast (she rolled her eyes when he asked if this was her way of saying he reminds her of a certain hairy, horned character) in their pajamas.

“No, really. You take it. I don’t want it.” She nudges the mostly-empty pizza box towards him. The noise makes Sarge lift his head from where he was snoozing beside her on the sofa. That gives him an idea.

“I don’t want it either, but I can think of someone who does.” He cocks his head towards the now-drooling dog. “How ‘bout it, boy? Wanna help us out?”

Snickering, she picks the pepperonis and pieces of sausage and ham from the pizza, forming a pile. “Here, Sarge. Catch.” She tosses a coveted treat in the air, and Sarge’s jaw snaps, swallowing it whole. “Good boy.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes before she speaks again.

“You know, I actually did have something planned for you.”

“Oh, yeah?” She nods.

“Absolutely. Had a whole seduction plan laid out. Tiny underwear, lacy bra, and stockings with garters included.” Huh. Guess she wouldn’t have taken the “lingerie” option the wrong way. He’ll file that away for future use… along with a mental note to ask her bra size. “That is, until I tried wearing the damn things for longer than an hour. Turns out, hiding a dirty secret under your clothes is more itchy than sexy.”

He can’t help it. He laughs, producing a pout from her which quickly turns into her own quiet laughter.

“Well, that fits in perfectly with my fancy dinner going up in smoke.”

“We really do have shitty luck with the whole “romance” thing.” She’s joking, but he decides to respond anyway.

“I don’t know about that.” Entwining his fingers with hers, he lifts their hands, twin wedding bands catching the light. “You waited five years for me to reappear after the blip, and I convinced you to elope with me. Seems pretty romantic.” Although, that reminds him…

“Don’t move.” Releasing her hand, he stands and goes in search of his phone.

“Bucky, what-”

“Don’t move, Doll. Stay right where you are.” Ah. On the kitchen counter, just where he left it. Jogging back into the room, he resumes his place on the couch next to her. Ignoring her questioning gaze, he pulls up the app and, selecting the correct playlist, hits play.

Immediate recognition blooms on her face at the opening lyrics. “She is the sweetest thing that I know. Should see the way she holds me when the lights go low.” He’s not one for modern music, but when he was googling “songs for Valentine’s Day” and this one popped up, he couldn’t help but think that the lyrics were fitting.

“I didn’t know you’d heard this one.”

He chuckles. “Even old men have a few tricks up their sleeves. That, and a wifi connection.” She rolls her eyes but leans closer, which he takes advantage of to show her the playlist.

“This is the app you use, right?” Receiving a nod, he continues. “Feel free to scroll through and add whatever you want. I haven’t listened to all of them the whole way through, but they seemed to fit the mood.”

Her hand closes over his, covering the phone. “Thank you, Bucky. It’s perfect.”

As the singer goes on about how hearts don’t break around here, he presses his lips against hers.

“I love you, Doll.”

“Love you.”

Not bad for a disastrous Valentine’s Day. Not bad at all.

[peralta-guaranteed]

Jake meeting Amy’s brothers trough the years (partnership/relationship)

- We know how he meets David in canon, but I think he met him before at family gatherings but never really interacted with him because Amy'd just maneuvre away from him all the time

- the first one he meets is Julian, the second youngest. Julian actually lives in Brooklyn too, and Julian ends up in the drunk cell of his sister’s precinct, something she will never let him forget for the rest of his life, probably (at least he thinks that’s what she told him while he was lying on the bed in there, when the uniformed officer that had recognised his last name had brought her in). But once he’s sobered up in the morning, he’s let out to sign the last paperwork by some dude named Peralta, and he hands him a cup of coffee the way he loves to drink it, which must be Amy’s doing, so she’s probably forgiven him. So Julian makes extra sure to watch this Peralta, listen to the jokes he makes about how he’s “always wanted to book a Santiago into his paperwork pile”, but “got the wrong one”. They meet again two weeks later, when Julian’s pub crawl brings him to Shaw’s. Amy tries to hide so her brother doesn’t notice her amidst her squad, but Jake invites him to sit down for a moment, buys him a beer he definitely can’t afford to pay for later, and he and this pug-looking little guy next to him ask Julian for embarrassing Amy stories. He definitely delivers. He gets Jake’s phone number after that evening, not for any improper things, of course, just to check in on his sis without her noticing and maybe, maybe grill Peralta a few times about his intentions. He’s seen the way he looked at his sister. He sees the way he looks at his sister at Nochebuena too, the first year her new boyfriend is invited. That’s when Julian scrolls through their text chat, noticing that it has become seemingly endless, filled with snapshots of Amy and sneaker sale signs and adorable dogs they both see on the streets of Brooklyn, and adds Jake to the Santiabro group chat.

- the second meeting is actually with a set of brothers: Alonso, fifth-youngest, just two years below Amy, and Jorge, the third, 2 years above her. They’re the only ones free, aside from their parents, to attend a ceremony for Amy and a group of other officers that responded to a distress call and earned themselves a medal. Jake introduces herself as ‘Amy’s partner’, and they both know what that means in cop-speak, but they also know that Amy talks about him far more than about anyone else in her team. Alonso, recently divorced and still bitter about it, is not too happy about that, either, while Jorge, Amy’s supportive adult shoulder in their household, is mostly concerned (and ever so slightly intrigued - Jake seems nothing like any of the guys she’s ever brought home). Jake makes an acceptable first impression in his dress blues and with his good behaviour dialed up to 11 with his Captain watching him, but he definitely wins far more when Amy finally comes down from the stage and gets pulled into a bearhug and a quick princess twirl before she can even say hi to her brothers.

- the third meeting goes to Benedict, the youngest, when he gets into the New York University and Amy offers to help him move into his dorm, showing up with Jake on her heels. Benedict was expecting Teddy, that dull piece of human toast, but maybe Teddy isn’t quite so into carrying heavy boxes and making ridiculous “our boy’s so big already, in college, can you believe it, Ames” jokes. Jake seems to enjoy both. Benedict also gets Jake’s number - for emergencies, since he’s now Santiago No 3 in Jake’s “hometown”, so if anything ever happens and No 1 and 2 are not there to help, Jake obviously feels like he needs to step up. He’s bombarded with questions about the academy after Benedict’s first half-term, has to promise not to tell Amy, and waits another year while Benedict fights through the NYU before he helps him fill out the academy applications he’s finally decided to print out. He’s already Amy’s boyfriend by then, so he has to tell her, he says, and she’s not as angry or worried as Benedict thought she’d be. Maybe Jake is a good influence on her in that way.

- the fourth meeting seems the most important, at least to Amy. No one in her family knows about Jake as... well, her Jake yet when he shakes Matteo’s hand. (In another sense, they all know him as her Jake only, sometimes forgetting he’s a cop too and actual co-worker instead of just her best friend.) Matteo’s closest to her in age, only a year above her, and they’ve been mistaken for twins during most of their teens. He’s her counterbalance, her partner-in-crime, her accomplice and confidant, and he’s the first who gets to hear the title “Jake, my boyfriend”. He knocked on her door for dinner at their favourite place for whenever Matteo visits, and Jake was the one to open the door, so an introduction seemed necessary. Matteo changes their reservation to 3 people on his phone, and Jake can’t even try to protest before ‘the twins’ pull him into an Uber. It turns into one of the best evenings he’s had with the Santiagos so far, because Matteo is Amy’s twin, in all his manners and interests, and if there’s one thing Jake loves to talk with and joke with, it’s two Amys. They hug each other goodbye after dinner and two separate Ubers to Amy’s apartment and Matteo’s hotel, and Matteo says “I think I’ll see you around a lot, Jake” instead of the curt “see you” that Teddy got, and Amy kisses Jake long and thoroughly once their Uber drives off.

- the last meeting feels like Victor Santiago all over again. Alejandro, the oldest of the family, has refused to hear a single good thing about this Jake, not when he was Amy’s co-worker, not when he was her friend, and especially not now that he’s her boyfriend. He’s not good enough for ‘his little girl(sister)’, and he never will be. No matter how nice and friendly he is to all the tias and abuelas at this family party. No matter how helpful he is with Camila in the kitchen and the dining room. No matter how well he chats with the other Santiabros already, who all seem to know him and be on his side (well, sans David, of course. David doesn’t pick sides, that would be unfair). So when he finally finds him alone on the porch, dipping out for a ‘non-smoke, but Santiago break’ as he’d jokingly called it, Alejandro doesn’t wait for pleasantries or attempts any smalltalk. “Amy has been hurt in the past.” He says straight into Jake’s, frankly, mortified face. “By her co-workers and work. By her so-called friends. By her ‘partners’.” Jake definitely hears the hateful inflection in that last word. “So if you add yourself to that list of people who hurt her, I don’t think I need to explain exactly what my brothers and I will do to you.” “I’d get to myself first, to be honest.” Jake replies with a nod. “And I think I would do more damage than all seven of you combined.” It seems the stereotypical answer a boyfriend should give, right behind “Get in line behind her best friend Rosa”, but there’s a sincerity and hurt in Jake’s eyes that surprise Alejandro. He’s still not good enough, obviously. But he might be good.

[unprofessional-bard]

Chapter 5 - Red in the Face

Losing My Religion Series Masterlist

Unprofessional Bard's Masterlist

Previous Chapter • Next Chapter

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female!Reader/OC

Warnings: Mostly fluff but PTSD related events (panic attack).

Summary: An uneventful few months await the reader as her relationship with Joel and a Ellie develops - things take an interesting turn when Ellie stays over at the reader's house.

Word Count: 5.574

Author's Note: Yet another chapter named after a Mad Men episode, I think the name is fitting eheh... And as someone who doesn't drink coffee, I'm leaving what type of coffee Joel drinks to your imagination. Ahh anyways thank you all so much for reading!! 🥰

Enjoy!

Having a cup of coffee in the afternoon became a routine for you and Joel every two or three weeks. Sometimes once a week and with the company of Tommy or (mostly) Ellie, but you'd invite him over either after patrol or on your day off and just enjoy each other's company. You always had the morning shifts and Joel had the night shifts - sometimes you'd be assigned at the same time, but to different places or with different partners. The only thing you two had in common was your day off's, but not once had you two gone on patrol together, until one day Joel noticed how you came across traders on your patrol route more often than him and always brought him some coffee. He felt like he ought to repay that and invite you over for a different occasion other than dinner with the others. He grew quite fond of you in the following months after your first 'coffee session'. It was mid-June when he had asked Tommy to assign the both of you on patrol.

"Why?" Tommy smirked.

"She always comes across traders and brings me coffe, lord knows what she gives up for it..." Joel crossed his arms and stood in front of Tommy as he scribbled something down on his notebook in his office.

"So you're gonna give up patrollin' with me for our beloved Dolly, huh?" Tommy mocked offense as he closed the notebook and pushed it aside, looking up at Joel with a grin.

"She okay with you callin' her Dolly?" Joel raised his brows.

"She's okay with only us callin' her that."

"By us you mean-"

"By god, Joel," Tommy laughed heartily as he got up from his chair. "You can be so oblivious sometimes."

"What do you want from me?" Joel blushed lightly. "She'd break my fingers and shove them down my throat, I don't wanna be on her bad side."

"Yes, she would," Tommy nodded and stood across Joel, snickering. "But have you actually tried calling her that? She likes you, y'know."

Joel had thought on each word that came out of Tommy's mouth: Even if you hadn't admitted out loud, he knew you had a thing for Walt. He had a pretty keen eye for these stuff after all and didn't even bother giving the idea of you being interested in him a chance.

The twist was, his keen eyes will be proven wrong in the future. Twice.

Tommy and Maria were already aware of everything - even Ellie could see the way Joel looked at you, how his attention immediately shifted from whoever he was talking to or whatever he was doing to you whenever you made an entrance. Tommy broke the news of the patrol switch to Maria by saying that if neither of them had asked for it any sooner, I would've done it myself.

What about Walt? Well, yeah, about him...

Walt and Bonnie announced themselves as an official pair not long after your fight back in April. They lasted way longer than any of you had anticipated, which made you lose all hopes of getting with Walt, but it didn't bother you as much ever since Joel and you started going on patrols together. He was with you for a big part of the day and he was somewhat an even better company than Walt.

A few days after your fight, you asked Maria to assign you with Walt for that day's shift.

"Walt?" You called for him, nervous.

"(Y/N)..." His voice indicated that he wasn't hostile, just as stressed to confront you as you were.

"Let's talk?" You rubbed your hands together and he nodded in return, following you outside the gates. You rode on horses in silence for awhile until you reached the lodge lookout.

The both of you moved inside and Walt wrote down your names on the patrol logbook: 23/4; Walt/(Y/N); All clear -W.

You pursed your lips as you placed your backpack on the floor, then sat on a chair at the table. Walt sat across you - he always used to sit next to you, but now he was hesitant.

"Look, Walt," You began. "If I offended you in anyway-"

"No, (Y/N)," Walt interrupted you immediately. "I was being an ass, then in the heat of the moment we both said some stuff, but I hope I didn't cross any boundaries?"

"...No, but, you were acting so strange?" You looked at him, then decided to add: "Even Joel thought you were jealous of us until I told him that you had a thing with Bonnie."

Walt's eyes widened: "He- what?"

"I mean, if I didn't know you, I'd have thought the same..." You studied his face for a reaction, but only got a dumbfounded look. "Walt, look. I know you don't like Joel, but he's done good by me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have been here."

Walt stared at you, a mixed expression made of guilt and embarrassment on his face. You got up and sat by his side when he stayed silent: "I don't know why you don't like him - you don't have to explain yourself to me. I owe him my life and- well, at least be respectful to him. For my sake."

"But, what about him?"

"Joel treats people the way they treat him. He's struggling to fit in - if he sees that you mean well, he'll treat you the same way."

Walt nodded, ashamed of his childish acts, but hugged you tight when you said Come here and opened your arms for him. You both hugged each other, glad that this tension between you was officially over; but you two were never the same after that. Your romantic interest died down in the following months and Walt started spending more time with Bonnie to the point of ignoring you and, well, Joel being made your official patrol partner didn't help the case. You were really curious to find out why Walt didn't like Joel, but you had already said you didn't care and decided to leave it alone.

Despite the awkwardness, the time you spent with Joel on patrol from mid-June til the end of November had made significant improvements on your relationship. At this point, everyone (Tommy, Maria and Ellie being the most) was impatiently waiting for either of you to kiss the other, but neither of you were aware of each other's feelings. Joel didn't want to make a move to avoid ruining what he had with you because, even if you didn't spend as much time with Walt, he still thought you had a thing for the redhead; thus his 'disinterest' discouraged you to make a move of your own. Although you were sure he somewhat fancied you -because, come on, no one can deny the tension between you two- you also didn't want to make things awkward.

But nothing would've been more awkward than what you had gone through on an eventful December afternoon.

Joel and you were about to go on patrol, when Maria caught up to the both of you: "Joel, Dolly, wait."

"What's up?" You asked as you were about to get on your horse.

"Chad was on the Creek Trails a few days back, he told me there were a lot of infected over there," Maria sighed, then gave you an apologetic look. "You need backup."

It took you a moment to understand that Tommy was, in fact, not going to be the backup: "Maria, no-"

"Too late." Maria shut her eyes and looked away when Walt approached from behind her. There he was, only a week and a half later after his breakup with Bonnie, his posture giving away the fact that the effects of the said breakup were taking a toll on him.

The tension in the air was suffocating. You whispered Fuck me... under your breath as Maria told him to ride with either Joel or you, as they couldn't spare another horse. Walt and Joel weren't on bad terms after your confrontation with Walt, but they just stayed away from each other. This was going to be a hell of a patrol.

"C'mon," you forced a fake smile to your lips and beckoned him to ride with you. He got up, sat behind you and grabbed the edges of the saddle of the horse, then all of you rode off.

There was a blizzard on the way, it seemed, for the weather was cloudy and the wind was sharp against your cheeks as you rode through inches thick snow. Focusing on your horse was a good enough distraction, but the road ahead was short. When all of you arrived, you began biting the insides of your lips.

Walt went up first, helping you up the rope and words weren't quite enough to describe your surprise when Walt also offered Joel a hand. He must've been shocked too, for he took a while to grab Walt's arm and pull himself up. Maybe today won't be so awkward after all! After writing down a new entry on the logbook, you listened to the two men as you pretended to go through the pages of the logbook.

"We shouldn't stay here too long," Walt spoke quietly. "Let's complete the route and go back before the blizzard hits."

"Agreed," Joel spoke and turned to you. "C'mon."

You gladly obliged as you really didn't want to be stuck with them in a blizzard. You didn't go through the Creek Trails too often as the route involved a river beside an old evacuated town, but you acted like it wasn't a big deal. Tommy was the first to show you the Creek Trails and it was going well until you reached the river. A scenario similar to the one with Joel right before you reached Jackson played out. Tommy was fortunately informed by Joel about your condition months ago, so he kept things mostly under control. He wasn't unfamiliar with the situation: There were many people in Jackson who suffered the same way you did from PTSD, but still, he never thought he'd see you like that.

It had been almost a year since you took this route and luckily, the current was slow, almost frozen. Going through the town, you all scouted the houses quickly. Everything seemed okay until you reached the supermarket, where Joel heard distressing noises from inside.

"We need a few people to secure the windows here," You said and got in position, rifle at the ready. You and Walt went in first, Joel following from behind.

"Just like the good ol' days, huh?" Walt whispered.

"You mean our patrol days or militarily?" You smiled, to which he replied Both.

Sweeping through the outer aisles were easy, nothing you hadn't done before. But the further you walked in, you noticed the spores beginning to appear: "Masks on, boys."

You pushed open a door slowly, only to be greeted by three clickers and a few runners in the main isle. The whole sweep went quietly for the most part, until a runner saw Joel.

"Joel!" You ran over to him. Joel, startled, turned around and leaned back on the glass to pull his pistol out but the runner was closer than he thought. It directly ran into him, pushing them through the glass and shattering it. You quickly shot the runner, but were horrified at the sight in front of you: The parking lot was swarming with infected.

You quickly hopped over to Joel's side and pulled him up, Walt right behind you. The noise had obviously attracted all the infected toward you all.

"Shit!" You jumped back as there was no place left to escape from the parking lot. Walt began shooting at them, giving Joel time to go inside, then followed you both back the way you came.

"This way!" Joel beckoned as he went through a different door which led to a long hallway. You put down a couple of runners before closing the door and ran to where Walt and Joel were.

"Through here," Joel said and entered a room to your right. He closed the door and the three of you pushed a vending machine in front of it, breathing heavily as the infected made their way into the corridor, kicking and scratching at the door of the room.

"We need to clear them out-" Walt.

"We can't," Joel interrupted him. "There are too many of 'em. We'll come back with more people but right now we gotta get outta here."

"Through here," you called them over to a hole on the wall. "Boost me up."

Joel and Walt made a move and stopped at the same time, Walt letting Joel go first, once more, to everyone's surprise. Joel pushed you up and you pulled yourself through the wall but lost your balance and fell: "Fuck-!"

You landed on your feet but you were sure you sprained -or maybe even fractured- your ankle when you landed and cried out in pain.

"(Y/N)?!" Both men shouted from the other side in panic, Walt quickly getting into position to boost Joel up: "Go, quick!"

"I'm fine," You hissed, quickly looking around the room to find it empty. "It's clear here."

Joel jumped down and kneeled beside you: "You okay?"

"My ankle, I-" You stared into Joel's eyes but with a loud crash, infected filled the room. Without wasting time, Joel dragged you toward a counter to your right and pulled out his pistol again. A great amount of anxiety washed over you - how the hell were you going to get out of this? And where the hell was Walt?!

But you knew you couldn't give into fear, not now. You always found a way out... Even though your ankle ached really bad and it began reminding you of the time when the Hunters-

You pushed yourself up to see how many infected you were dealing with. Relieved to see only two clickers and four runners, you looked over to Joel and he looked at you: "Cover me."

You nodded as he sneaked over to the closest runner and took it down without attracting any attention to himself. He took down the other one as well, but before he could approach the third, Joel stepped on a broken piece of glass and suddenly had four infected running towards him. You shot down the remaining runners before he retreated back to where you were, stunning a clicker with a brick in the meanwhile. You realized, to your horror, that you ran out of ammo at that moment and had to reload, but there was no time. Joel took down one of the two clickers with his remaining bullets, but neither of you could do anything about the last one. Joel grabbed you by the arm and helped you over the counter before the clicker could get a hold of you, but he pulled you with such panick and force, you fell on top of him with a Oof!

Joel must've hit his head - his movements slowed down and couldn't push the both of you away from the approaching clicker. Your ankle was twisted up in this position, which made you whine in pain as you tried to turn around with Joel's knife in hand, but couldn't. You growled and cried out, a buzzing in your ear similar to the stream drowning out the terrorising noises of the clicker as it made its way toward you.

"Joel, get up, come on!" Tears streamed down your face and you watched as he opened his eyes, which widened at the sight before him.

Joel hugged you by the waist, turned you around and pressed you down on the ground, covering your body with his before the clicker reached you.

Thud!

Your eyes were shut tight, the only thing you could hear was muffled voices of Walt grunting and sounds of stabbing as you struggled to breathe. You opened your eyes and looked to the left to see Walt stabbing the hell out of the clicker. You watched with terrified eyes as he slowly got up, mask covered in blood and looked over to the both of you, breathing heavily: "Y'all... y'all okay?"

Joel slowly raised his head up and looked at Walt, then back to you. Your eyes glowed with your tears as Joel stared at them - his right hand was holding the back of your neck and the left one was tight around your waist. Was he really about to sacrifice himself so that you'd survive?

Was he even aware what that would've done to you?

He got off you slowly, still holding you by the neck and turned to Walt: "Yeah- you clean?"

"Yup, I'm okay," Walt coughed and kneeled beside you. "We need to get out of here."

"She's hurt- Can you walk darlin'?" Joel asked, rubbing the side of your neck with his thumb in slow motions to calm you as your whole body trembled.

"I don't know," You whispered and sniffed. You grabbed both men's hands and pulled yourself up, but cried out when you tried to take a step forward, almost collapsing on spot.

"I got you," Joel walked in front of you and kneeled slightly, then Walt helped you up on his back. He grabbed your thighs and adjusted your form, then began following Walt out of the market.

"Joel..." You pressed your masked face against his coat and whimpered, hanging onto him as if your life depended on it.

"We're almost out, Dolly, you're safe," Joel reassured you. Luckily for you all, there were no infected outside but the weather had significantly gotten worse. Walt quickly got up on your horse and picked you up, making you sit on the saddle as Joel hopped on his own horse. You all rode off the way you came as fast as you could, barely making it back to Jackson without a delay.

The three of you took off your masks once you were inside. Joel immediately rushed to your side while Walt was helping you off the horse.

"I'll take her to the doctor," Joel grabbed you and carried you bridal style while Walt nodded and went over to the stables.

"It hurts really bad," You spoke as he carried you, voice cracking but feeling safer in his arms. "I- I think it's broken."

"You're fine Dolly... almost there. Katherine is going to fix you up, don't you worry."

It turned out that you had fractured your ankle and Katherine told you that had you taken a harder fall, you could've broken it altogether. You spent the night at the infirmary after she insisted, Ellie and some of the other kids staying with you for awhile before Katherine asked them to leave you so you could rest.

"You won't be getting rid of me this easily after you're back home!" Ellie had said before she left.

And she was quite right, for she was the one to help you back to your house with Maria the next day.

"Ellie, I'm fine, it's not like I have a concussion and broken ribs..." As much as you appreciated her help, you felt bad for taking up her time.

"You can't walk without crutches and I know for a fact that you're gonna get bored - you could use some company." Ellie sat beside you on your bed after Maria left. Katherine had said that your ankle was going to take around a month to heal and you wanted to bang your head against a wall then, not wanting to sit around. Maria and Tommy offered you to stay at their house a million times but you just wanted to be alone with your thoughts and trauma. You wanted to think about anything and everything and you knew no one other than Joel and Ellie would grant you such opportunity while being by your side. That's how your first day went: Ellie stayed until late hours and Joel visited when his shift was done.

"How're you feelin'?" He asked, standing by the bed where you'd been sleeping before he came.

"Alright I guess," You sighed. "I can't stand sitting around and doing nothing. It's like my first weeks here all over again."

Joel chuckled, then looked at the frame on your night stand, picking it up. It was a picture of you and Kurt in it: "I've been seein' this picture every time I came here and couldn't help but wonder who he is..."

You smiled and turned to your side a little, patting on the bed so that he'd sit down: "That would be Kurt. You could say he was my... mentor or something."

"Oh, right. Was he...?" Joel trailed off after sitting beside you.

"Yeah, he was there with them..." You nodded, remembering the day when you all got ambushed. "Eugene reminds me of him sometimes."

Joel nodded quietly and put the frame down: "I uh, I got one too. A picture of me and my... daughter."

You gave him a surprised look - you already knew his story, but you were genuinely surprised that he actually opened up to you about it after almost eight months. You felt a little guilty about having heard of this story before as he told you what had happened to Sarah. You keept quiet and let him vent, but hearing the story from Joel himself sent shivers down your spine - as if you were hearing it for the first time.

"I'm so sorry, Joel," You said once he finished. After a short moment of hesitation, you slowly put your hand on top of his. "I really am. I can't imagine how horrifying that must've been for you."

Joel whispered a small Yeah and looked away, not moving his hand from under yours and enjoying your small gesture. His thumb moved out under your own and rubbed it gently.

"I wish I could take a photo of you two right now!" Ellie suddenly appeared from the hallway, making the both of you jerk away from each other. She had gone to get something when Joel arrived a few minutes ago: "I wanted to stay here for the night, is that okay?"

Your eyes widened and so did your smile: "You don't have to, sweetie-"

"If I get too bored here, can she come and stay with you for a few days?" Ellie suddenly asked Joel.

"Now, Ellie, don't force her to do something she doesn't wanna do. She's too kind to decline."

You blushed a little at his comment and playfully slapped his shoulder: "Nobody's forcing me into anything, cowboy. Besides, it's your house - if I have a permission to stay, then I'll consider staying."

Joel smiled shyly: "You're right... Ah, what the hell, why don't you come over tonight?"

It was your turn to blush: "Not today, I'm afraid, I just want to sleep here for awhile."

"Alrighty then," Joel dropped his hands on his thighs, then got up. "Just let me know when you wanna stay 'n I'll come pick you up."

With that Joel left, wishing the both of you a goodnight. Ellie changed into her 'pyjamas' and curled up on the bed next to you before pulling the blanket over her body. The only light illuminating the room was the candle in you gas lamps on the nightstands on each side. You turned to Ellie - she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. You two were laying like you did in that cabin, the memory making you smile.

"So, when are you two gonna get married?" Ellie asked all of a sudden.

"Oh shush, Ellie," You squirmed and look away, making her laugh.

"I still cannot believe you two aren't together already!" Ellie spoke excitedly. "I don't know what's keeping you two... Don't tell me you still want Walt-"

"No, no," You blushed, running your fingers through your hair. "Hey, who says Joel likes me anyways? He's clearly not interested in me, Ells."

Ellie's expression turned serious. Looking you dead in the eye, she spoke, struggling not to curse: "You have got to be kidding me."

"What?!" Your eyes widened. You weren't sure if you wanted to hear the rest of what she had to say or not.

"No offense, (Y/N)," Ellie sat up. "I know Joel is blind, but I never thought you'd be as blind as him."

You weren't sure how to react, so you just stared off to the ceiling and thought: Joel was always so sweet toward you. He was patient, careful, gentle and protective... But wasn't that how he always was? You weren't really that special, were you?

"Oh god..." You sighed and covered your face with both of your hands. "Are you serious?"

"Oh, no I was just joking," Ellie rolled her eyes. "Of course I'm fucking serious!"

"Joel always had this silly idea that after all this time you were still into Walt," Ellie explained as you rubbed your face upwards and ran your hands through your hair. "I sometimes force a few words out of him about you and everyone knows that he has eyes for you... except for you it seems."

Your heart felt like bursting: "Oh dear lord, this can't be real..."

"Awh, look at you!" Ellie snuggled closer to you. "Blushing like a teenager, haha!"

"Says you!" You changed the topic and tickled her sides, making her drop to her side. "I may be blind with my own case, but I'm not blind enough to miss my Ellie's romantic shenanigans."

Ellie suddenly stopped laughing, face flushed red: "Wh-what do you mean?"

"Look who's blushing like a teen now," You smiled softly. "I've worked with children enough to see some things you think we can't see."

You honestly didn't have a clue she liked girls the first month you knew her. It all started adding up some time after Joel and her came back to Jackson. The kids there liked you and you liked them - they were mostly young teens who needed mentoring for patrols or with anything. You mentored Dina and Jesse for a while before Ellie arrived and Eugene began mentoring Dina. You saw the way Ellie got nervous around Cat - the way she blushed and stuttered while Cat was more confident around her. Ellie talked to you about everything but her own 'love life' and you never forced her to, whenever you cracked a few jokes, she'd immediately tense up and change the subject. After two or three times, it clicked - she was definitely into girls.

"How... how long have you known?" Ellie asked and got off the bed, turning around and doing her stressed finger gesture.

"Awhile now," You sat up as best as you could and stared at her worriedly. "Ellie, it's okay." She slowly turned around, panick spread across her face. "Are you okay sweetie?"

"No," Her voice cracked after a moment of silence.

You beckoned her back to bed beside you: "It's alright baby, there's nothing to be scared of..." She sniffed and climbed back to bed, finding her comfort in your embrace. "It's okay, Ellie."

"Does Joel know?" She asked quietly as you brushed your fingers through her hair, hugging her.

"No, I don't think he does. I haven't told anyone what I thought, if that's what you're asking."

"Oh, okay-" Ellie took a deep breath. "Thank you, (Y/N)."

"You'll tell him when you feel ready," You placed a small kiss on the side of her head. "This goes for anyone. Whenever you're ready, you'll tell them."

"But, what if they're not okay with it?"

"Well, fuck them." You smiled when she gave you a look. "If they can't deal with you for who you are, there's something wrong with them, not you."

The words seemed to have an effect on her, for her breathing calmed down and her eyes focused on a spot in your room, probably deep in thought. You two stayed like that for a while, Ellie eventually yawning and cuddling up to you after blowing out the candle on her side.

"Goodnight darling," You kissed her temple and blew out the candle by your side. "Love you."

"Love you too, (Y/N)," Ellie whispered sleepily, then fell asleep in your arms.

You felt like, after that, you had earned Ellie's trust completely. She became more like a daughter to you, which made things between you and Joel a little awkward considering he was like a father to her. You wondered if she thought of the both of you as her parents - if she felt the joy of having parental figures around her with the both of you. She'd come to you whenever she felt down or emotional- or for anything, really. You both had a factor in common which helped you both relate to and understand each other: survivor's guilt. It was upsetting, but you two had each other. You told Ellie what she wanted to hear and vice versa.

By New Year's, she gave you the most precious gift: A masterfully drawn picture of you... with Joel in a frame.

"Christmas comes but once a year!" Ellie chuckled at your reddening face. "I thought you might like this."

"Like?" You laughed. "I absolutely love this- Ellie, you're so talented. Thank you so much, sweetheart."

"Whatcha got there?" Joel leaned forward over your shoulder to take a look at the picture and his eyes widened immediately. "Oh..."

"Right? Isn't it beautiful?" You stared at the picture in awe, cheeks heating up.

"It really is," Joel turned his head to your face slightly, his nose inches away from your cheek. After Ellie had purposefully nonchalantly revealed that your interest in Walt had died a long time ago and that you had said this yourself, much to Joel's relief, he really began thinking on making a move when it was convenient. The problem was, he just didn't know how to, until Ellie came up with a gift idea.

"Did you get something for (Y/N)?" She asked Joel on patrol one day.

"What for?"

"Uh, the word Christmas ring a bell? Well, I found a frame for her, so she can put that picture of hers in it. She always complained about not coming across a frame for it, I think she'll appreciate it."

Joel thought on her words: He had completely forgotten about Christmas - it was his first after many many years, after all. Ellie noticed the thoughtful look on his face and spoke: "You know what? Why don't you give her the frame?"

"I- What?"

"You heard me," Ellie smirked. "I'll get her something else, you should give her the frame instead."

Joel had remained quiet then, but thought about Ellie's offer for awhile and, once he was back at home, an idea presented itself in his little workshop in his house.

"Y'know what?" Joel had given the frame back to her the next day. "You hold onto this, I'm gonna make her something."

And that was what you were greeted with right after you took your eyes off Ellie's gift: "I got a little somethin' for you."

It was a wooden frame, beautifully carved flowers on the corners and the picture of Alpha One in it. Your heart skipped a beat, your breathing coming to a stop, eyes widening at the sight.

You slowly took the frame from him with trembling hands. The happiness you felt was indescribable, did he actually take his time to make this? For you? Your eyes teared up: "My god... How did you get this?"

"You could say a little bandit helped me," Joel smiled over to Ellie, who was watching the both of you with an excited grin spread across her face.

You exhaled with a short laugh, looked between your gift and Joel and then, despite the cast around your ankle, pushed yourself up. His expression turned into a panicked one for a second before you turned around, giggled with tears rolling down your face and hugged him. It took Joel a moment to process what was happening, but he quickly returned the hug and wrapped his arms around your waist: "Thank you, Joel."

"Merry Christmas, Dolly," Joel sighed, content. A genuinely happy smile formed on his lips and his eyes closed unintentionally, finding the comfort he sought for so long in your arms. You felt like, his arms around your waist and chin resting on your shoulder - his body was made for yours, like puzzle pieces.

"Mistletoe!" Ellie suddenly appeared by the both of you, stepping on your seat with the said plant in hand, holding it above the both of you and shaking it.

You pulled away from him, hands resting on his shoulders as you stared at Ellie with embarrassment. Joel, cheeks red like the ribbon which held the mistletoe together, looked away shyly. You bit your lower lip and turned your head back towards him, gazed into his eyes with a soft smile playing on your lips. Your hands moved up to his neck slowly, eyes glowing. This cannot be happening.

Ah, what the hell, just go for it, were Joel's last thoughts before he pulled you close by your waist and pressed his lips to yours. A long overdue, passionate, deep kiss was shared between you two; a kiss that made everyone in the room cheer and clap at the sight.

"Finally!"

[bbdaydreams]

Courage My Love// Semi Eita

Pairing: Semi Eita x Reader

Summary: You like Semi and come up with a plan to confess to him, unfortunately it takes a turn. You meet again a couple years later by chance.

Chapter Eight: Teenage Dream

Series Masterlist•<previous•next>

A week into the tour and your body finally decided to allow you wake up before two in the afternoon. You stretched your body a little bit in your bunk before getting up and out to finish stretching. You checked the surrounding bunks and saw that only Haruka was still sound asleep while the others were empty. Making your way to the lounge you found your missing members and greeted them. They gave you back a robotic response while peeking out the window.

“The hell are y’all looking at?”

“The boys,” Yui answered. “I’m waiting to see if one of them eat shit.”

“Yui, what the-“

“Look, look, look!” Izumi whispered, stretching her arm behind her in an attempt to grab you to pull you towards them. You placed your knees on the bench to watch through the blinds with them.

Semi, Subaru, and Ranmaru were wearing plain t-shirts and gym shorts while Jiro wore a buttoned up blue flannel with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and black skinny jeans. The three elders from the group seemed to be running back and fourth from one end of the parking lot to the other while Jiro was skating a few feet away.

“How long have they been doing this?” You asked, turning away from the window.

“No clue- oh shit!” Izumi exclaimed, jumping up and running over to the main door to hop off the bus.

“That was a bad wipeout,” Yui added, following after the bassist. You followed after them, hesitating a little bit because you had just woken up and were in your sleepwear. Saying ‘fuck it,’ you threw on a pair of slip ons before following the others.

“Jiro!” Subaru and Ranmaru yelled before running over to their guitarist.

“Dude! You good?” Semi asked, crouching down to help Jiro sit up.

“Yeah, I’m good. Where’s my board?”

“I’ll go grab it,” Yui said as she headed towards the direction of there the skateboard rolled off to.

“What happened? I heard yelling,” Haruka asked. She was stepping off the bus still in her pajamas and rubbing her eyes, making it clear that she had just woken up. Her eyes landed on Jiro who was sitting on the pavement. He looked at her with panic in his eyes as she took in his disheveled look. “Why are you bleeding?”

“I- I’m okay, no need to worry-“

“You have a giant hole in your jeans that shows your red scraped knee, you have scratches on your face, and I can see the blood droplets on your flannel!” Haruka exclaimed, turning back around getting onto the bus.

“Is she pissed?” Jiro asked.

“Nah, just concerned. She probably went to grab our first aid kit,” Izumi answered. “You should probably take off your flannel though, that’s a pretty big stain on your elbow.”

Jiro unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a black t-shirt. Haruka came back with the kit and knelt next to the heterochromatic male. She took out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and some gauze making him gulp, knowing what was to come. “Do you have to use that?” Jiro asked, gradually moving his arm away from her.

“Yes, now sit still,” Haruka responded.

“Here’s the board I ran as fast I could as soon as I saw-“

“Fuck!”

“-the brown bottle,” Yui laughed. “Guess nurse Haruka has it under control.” The rest of you laughed at Jiro’s reaction and left Haruka to tend to his wounds.

“What are you guys doing anyways?” Izumi asked the three older males.

“Oh, we were working out. Jiro does his own thing for exercise which is mostly either parkour or skating,” Subaru responded.

“Or as we call it, just Jiro things,” Ranmaru added on. “You guys are free to join us during our workouts though, makes things more fun.”

“Haruka and I might join you guys,” Yui responded.

“Pass from Izumi and I,” you spoke up.

“And why’s that? Nice pajamas by the way, very festive for summer with the snowflakes,” Semi teased.

“Leave me alone. Sweating is gross. And personally I get bored doing the same thing repetitively. I’ll go on a walk, maybe jog a little bit, but that’s about it.”

“Sweating is gross, huh?” Semi asked with a devious look in his eyes.

“Don’t you dare come near me,” you responded, taking a few steps back as Semi walked closer to you.

“What? I just wanted to give you a hug, especially while you wear your cute pajammies.”

“Stay the fuck away from me. Semi. Semi! No!” And now you were running away from the 180cm tall former setter, who you know could catch up to you at any time. You still chose to take your chances though.

“He’s never gonna let her go, is he?” Ranmaru asked Subaru.

Izumi and Yui heard him loud and clear which peaked Yui’s interest. “Ahhh so he still has feelings for our leader. How cute.”

“Keep this between us, but yeah,” Subaru spoke. “Does she have any feelings left for him?”

“Honestly, we’re not sure. She never talked about him after the whole thing went down. She’s been with other people but she’s never been over the moon for them. It doesn’t help that she’s also super independent. It makes us think sometimes that she’d rather be single. There’s nothing wrong with that either, but at the end of the day we think it’d be nice for her to find someone,” Izumi spoke, watching you run around the bus only to yell out you were going back to sleep right when Semi caught up and wrapped his arms around you. “You guys might not believe it but how she’s acting now with him is no different to how she’d act with other people. Maybe it’s because of all the touring we do but she’s so open with people that it’s hard to read her. We love her and she’s fun to be around with but when it comes to her, it’s hard to tell what she wants.”

“We see. Eita’s sort of been the same in relationships. He’s gone on dates too but he’s never been whipped for any of them. Like he’ll do his best to please them and shit like a good partner should, but if you look at him from a distance it feels almost forced. He wants to love but it’s like fake love, if that makes any sense,” Subaru spoke.

“What about your drummer girl? Also between us, Jiro still seems to like them a lot,” Ranmaru asked, deciding to bring light to the other potential couple.

“Wait, what do you mean still? From what we know, they were friends during their final year but that’s it,” Izumi explained , now confused.

“Jiro fell for her hard during that year like he would come home and talk to us about her and ask for advice if he couldn’t ask his older brother. The thing is he was labeled the dumb hooligan while Haruka was the typical quiet good girl so he didn’t want to taint her record. You know how people talk in high school. He was convinced she shouldn’t be with a fool like him, so he never spoke up,” Subaru followed up.

“Ah. Well I think they’ll be together by the end of the tour, maybe even week. I can feel it,” Yui said.

“And what about you guys? Are you single?”

“I have a boyfriend,” Izumi quickly answered. “He’s back in Japan.”

“I’m single. My reason being it’s hard finding people you wanna know more about, ya know?”

“Really now?” Subaru answered, looking at Ranmaru.

“Yui, are you sick? I think you’re lacking some vitamin me,” Ranmaru said, attempting to put his arm over Yui’s shoulders.

“No! Me!” Subaru argued.

Before either of them could touch her, Yui grabbed their forearms and tugged on them to bring them closer. When they jumped a little closer together she took their hands and placed them in each other’s before letting go. Yui looked over and Izumi who was smirking from trying to hold in a laugh. “Don’t worry about it, Dumb and Dumber. Since I apparently have you guys weak at the knees it appears you might be lacking vitamin D. You two should get to know each other and solve that problem,” Yui responded as she gave them a fake smile. “Let’s go Izu,” she laughed, turning from the boys to get back onto the bus.

Semi came back to the two white haired males and crossed his arms before speaking. “You guys are idiots.”

“Karaoke night!” Haruka cheered when your set finished that night.

“We just got done playing and you’re this excited for karaoke? At least act tired,” Izumi whined, leaning forward to place her hands on her knees after she set her guitar down.

“Haru,” Yui started before taking a deep breath, “what the fuck.”

“Mmmm, nice cold floor,” you said, letting your body collapse on the black tiles the backstage had to offer.

“Y/n, no!”

“Get up people walk there!”

“It’s dirty!”

Too tired to figure out who said what, you let out a groan and got up. “Fine I’m up, I’m up. I need a baby wipe though. I’m all sweaty and gross.” Making your way over to your green room you bumped into One Ok Rock. “Hey guys.”

“Hello, hello. You guys sounded amazing as always,” Taka complimented.

“Thanks! Oh! Do you guys have plans after your set?” Haruka asked.

“Sleep,” Ryota responded which made the others laugh.

“Ah haha, did you guys have something in mind?” Toru asked.

“We’re all off tomorrow so we were gonna have a karaoke night on our bus,” Yui explained.

“And there’ll be booze!” Izumi added.

“We’ll try to pop by then,” Tomo answered. You wished them luck before heading into your dressing room to clean up a little bit before meeting your fans.

Yui and Haruka were currently making dinner while while you were showering and Izumi was setting up the karaoke system.

“Oh fuck, we forgot to invite Won’t Regret,” Yui mentioned.

“I’ll text RoRo!” Haruka lit up.

“How could we forget to invite all of your guys boyfriends?” Izumi teased.

“Jiro is not my boyfriend!”

“I never said he was,” Izumi responded with a smirk.

“Does this make thing one and two mine?” Yui asked.

“Lol, yeah. Are you gonna tell them?”

“Yeah, I don’t need them annoying me. I have enough to put up with.”

Stepping out of the shower with a towel around your body you looked over at the girls and saw they were still doing what they did when you last saw them. “Hey, is dinner- oop gotta go!” You exclaimed, running to your bunks and closing the door because there was a knock at the front of the bus.

“It’s open!” Izumi yelled. Coming up the steps was Taka and Toru with smiles on their faces. “Hey! Welcome to our bus! Did the others decide to call it a night instead?”

“Yeah. They’re parents now so they age faster and need more sleep,” Toru laughed.

“No worries. C’mon in and take a seat. We just finished cooking if you’d like some food,” Haruka said, showing them a plate she had already prepared.

“Taka and Toru just got on the girl’s bus. Wonder what’s going on over there,” Ranmaru said aloud as he glanced out the window.

“Who what now?” Semi asked, looking up from his phone.

“Oh they’re doing some karaoke tonight. RuRu just texted me to invite us,” Jiro answered.

“RuRu? Do you mean Haruka? You guys have nicknames for each other already?” Subaru teased, laughing at Jiro’s reaction.

“Look at how red he is!” Semi roared.

Subaru looked over at Ranmaru, smirking knowing he was about to roast Semi. “Boy if you don’t shut up! Go look in a mirror before judging him!”

“Eh?!”

“Eita, every time Y/n is around you put all your attention on them. It’s like you’re a bee fixated on a flower. Just non stop buzz buzz buzz around them.”

“Okay, I get it.” Semi sighed. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yes. Please just ask them out already.”

“I can’t do that, bro. It’s too soon. We’re just friends for now.”

“We have 5 weeks left on this tour. You’re gonna have to ask them out before then. Who knows if we’ll see them again after this.”

Letting Ranmaru’s words sink in he realized the reality of it. After the tour was over your band would probably go on your own tour to promote your new album in Europe, Australia, Japan and maybe even the US again whereas his band would probably only do Japan. You’d be busy touring and focusing on yourself you wouldn’t have the chance to see each other again. “Fuck. You’re right.”

“I’m always right. Anyways I’m headed to bed. Have fun at karaoke.”

“I’m going to bed too. Night,” Subaru yawned.

“Guess it’s just us,” Jiro laughed before tilting his head to ask “let’s go?” to which Semi responded with a head nod. They told their bus driver they’d be on the other bus so he could drive off if they didn’t come back by midnight.

“Alright that’s the theme tonight?” Yui asked Izumi, covering her mouth since she was chewing. They were both currently sitting on the small kitchen counter while Taka and Toru were sitting around their dining table and Haruka was standing off to the side.

“Let’s have our guests have the honor! Hit the button to spin the wheel,” she explained as she jumped off to hand her phone to the two older men. “Ooo, looks like we’re doing ‘Women in Pop’!”

Hearing knocking from the front door, Yui yelled it was open. Semi and Jiro walked in and greeted everyone. “It smells so good,” Jiro stated, eyes lighting up once he spotted the meal that was cooked.

“Take a seat and I’ll give you a plate. Semi, would you like one too?” Haruka asked. Semi nodded his head and they both accepted the meal after thanking them for the hospitality. After they were seated Yui got them up to speed to what they were doing.

“We should probably go first to show them how it’s done,” Haruka stated.

“I kinda wanna finish my food,” Izumi mumbled which made Yui jump in and say ‘me too’. Luckily for Haruka, you had just come out of the bunk area in sweats. “Look at that, Y/n can sing with you.”

“What did I do in the first five seconds of me appearing for me to go first?” You asked confused.

“Show up. Here is your mic,” Yui responded, making you playfully roll your eyes at her.

“How do you decide what song to sing?” Taka asked.

“We just decide between ourselves. Any song is good as long as it fits the theme,” Haruka responded. You let Haruka pick and take the lead for the song as you backed her up and sang your parts while also trying to match her energy in small dance gestures. When you finished you handed your microphone to Toru who asked to go next and Haruka handed hers to Izumi. Fixing yourself a plate you took Toru’s spot and sat next to Taka while Haruka took Izumi’s spot.

“Yo,” Semi started to grab your attention, leaning forward to not speak into Taka’s face.

“Yo,” you responded.

He smirked before continuing, “nice pajamas.”

You let out a small chuckle before looking back at him. “Leave me and my comfy clothing alone, asshole. I am cozy.”

Laughing at the nickname you gave Semi, Taka decided to jump in. “Hey Eita, we should go next.”

“Eh, I don’t know. Honestly I’m not much of a karaoke guy.”

“Boo, Semi you’re no fun,” you pouted while eating your food.

“Yeah, Eita you should try it out,” Jiro added.

Semi threw his head back and grunted in disapproval before turning his head to look at you. As he leaned back you did as well and gave him a child like smile, showing as many teeth as you could with your lips curved upwards as a friendly way to encourage him. Letting out a small chuckle, he leaned forward and let his forearms rest on the table. “Alright, I’ll do it.”

“Yay!” You, Taka, and Jiro cheered. Izumi and Toru sang Party In the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus which had the group laughing when Toru tried to reach the high note and when he tried to mimic Izumi’s dancing. When they were done you all applauded for them.

“Do you have an idea for a song?” Semi asked Taka, taking a sip of his beer.

“Yeah, yeah. I wanna do Beyoncé! Is Single Ladies good?,” Taka responded with a giant grin.

“I’m good with that.” The two got up from their spots and you and Jiro slid into their spots so others could sit as well. They accepted the mics from Izumi and Toru, Taka stretching afterwards to ‘loosen his body up’.

When the music started, Taka started moving his shoulders from side to side while Semi lightly bobbed his head along to the beat. Taka took the lead and sang the first verse. As the song progressed Taka put his body more into the flow making you all get louder for him to cheer him on. Leaving the second verse to Semi he moved his torso more into the song but he couldn’t compare to Taka, and it made him start overthinking a little.

He’s so much cooler and better than he is. Taka knows how to rile up a crowd. His performances are better than Semi’s but then again he does have more experience so he has to factor that into their differences. He’s so chill and laid back but also open and hilarious, he’s got it all.

Towards the end of the song when they were singing the last of the “all the single ladies”, Taka got closer to where you were sitting and went to hold your hand as he sang, causing the group to hype him up even more than they already where.

When they finished, you and Yui went next, opting to do Katy Perry. As you took the lead, Semi couldn’t keep his eyes off you and agree with the lyrics you were singing. He enjoyed your facial expressions as you sang and the way you carried yourself, somehow different than how you were on stage. Unfortunately Semi also couldn’t stop the negative thoughts that obscured his brain.

Semi noticed the blush on your face when Taka had the slightly intimate gesture with you. What if he’s not good enough for you? He doesn’t want to hold you back from being the happiest person you could be. Semi knows he’s not the funniest, most charming person in the world. Compared to your ex, Tendou, he knows they’re almost nowhere near similar. Tendou was more easygoing and knew how to light up the mood whereas Semi is more uptight, always concerned about others and what they think. If anything Taka was more like Tendou, a potential better option for you than himself. But he knows you all had just met recently so who knows if Taka is just being friendly or trying to get at something. Maybe you were just going to stay a teenage dream.

A/n: look at that an update. Sorry for taking so long, I’ve been tired but here ya go!

Taglist: @pluviophilefangirl @yourstarvic @sunaswife @mynscorner @itoshibaby @discountkiyoko @ibetonlosingcats @lilith412426 @soggyacidjuice

[popculturebuffet]

Lilo and Stitch Crossovers: “Morpholomew” (American Dragon Long): Stop Trying to Make Am Drag a Thing (Commisson Done For WeirdKev27)

Hello all you happy people! And welcome to a brand new retrospective/story arc/thing from yours truly, comissoned directly by WeirdKev27. If you’d like to comission your own review or set of reviews like this one, it’s 5 bucks. Just contact me via my ask box or direct messages on this very blog or my discord technicolormuk#6550.

With Shadow Into Light in the books, Kev decided he wanted to comission something not duck related and a bit smaller as a buffer before the next big arc, ALL of three arcs from season 2 of Ducktales, and decided to go with something he suggested to be a while back as a possible future retrospective: The Lilo and Stitch Crossover episodes! 

That’s right for the next three weeks, with TWO reviews this week since I had a spot open up and Kev paid for this one in full and way in advance, we’ll be taking a trip to Hawaii to visit everyone’s faviorte little girl, her best friend/pet/killing machine as they try to find homes for his 625 cousins. 

I loved Lilo and Stitch when I was a kid: Disney admitely got their hooks in me on that one with their cool prequel comics in disney adventures. These comics set up the movie, showing Jumba creating Stitch and the events leading up to both getting captured. The movie did not disapoint with cool character designs, a drop dead gorgeous recreation of Hawaii, and a really heartfelt, heartbreaking and heartpumping story of loss, family, and ving rahmes voicing one of the few heroic child services workers i’ve seen in a medium, a refreshing change of pace. The film is a masterpiece and I really do need to watch it again sometime. 

Given the series was a huge hit and that thsi was before the big lull in the late 2000′s and early 2010′s where Disney refused to make any tv shows based on their movies, a series followed, given a lead in by the direct to video movie Stitch.

The movie set up the basic premise; 624 capsules containing Jumba’s previous experiments, cousins as Stitch calls them, ended up raining over Kauai, awakening when dropped into water or any other liquid. Lilo and Stitch, with help from Jumba, his live in boyfriend Pleakley, her tought but fair sister Nani, and her boyfriend David, who dosen’t show up as much as i’d like but is my boy so he gets a mention here. But anyways our heroes try to reform the various engines of distructoin who all have unique powers and find them their one place they truly belong. 

So yes the show was a Mons-type show clearly captalizing off pokemon.. but the slice of life setting as opposed to the shonen style of most shows following in pokemon’s wake, gave it it’s own unique feel: while our heroes did fight, it was more about shenanigans, adventures and what not with these unique creatures and the purpose is very heartflet: Lilo simply wants to give these guys the same kind of love and support she’s given Stitch and a chance to do good. 

Opposing them is Gantu, the shark bounty hunter from the first film who, now out of a job, is working for Dr. Hamstervile, an imprisoned sceintest and a character I really don’t like that much as he’s not funny or a genuine threat or both and feels like a waste of time. Thankfully he’s not the focus and Gantu is instead partnered with 625, my faviorite Lilo and Stitch character. 625, as the name suggests, is stitch’s immediate prototype.. but unlike Stitch is too lazy and peaceful to be a real threat and isn’t even really a villian despite being on Gantu’s side. He’s busy making samwitches, his calling to the point when he gets a name in the finale movie it’s naturally Ruben, and snarking at gantu. He’s sadly not in this one but hopefully it’s JUST this one. 

As you can tell I liked this show a LOT at the time. I haven’t watched it since, mostly because disney scarely replayed it after it’s run, but it was vibrant, fun and intresting and a nicely laidback and creative take. The fact I came into the franchise with the comics and thus 625, who was introduced there in fact, and had a hunger to know more about the other experiments certainly helped. It was great fun. 

But while I grew up with the show and the four shows it teamed up with, i’ve never seen these episodes before these reviews. I wondered why for years as I caught the tail end of the kim possible one and saw images ocasionally, but never saw them. 

Turns out it’s because in general Season 2 got screwed over. While Season 1 was pushed out the door fast and aired at a rapid pace Season 2.. was portioned out over several years, and the Recess crossover one, the last one aired and the last one i’ll be covering never even got to Disney channel, only airing on ABC kids, DIsney’s saturday morning block at the time I rarely watched. I did watch it’s predecessor one saturday morning though. Good stuff. 

Since I couldn’t find any making of stuff for why these episodes happened, my best guess is DIsney wanted some cross promotion, and the shows used were chosen because they were the most popular at the time and honestly all 4 represent some of disney’s best, with Recess being in heavy reruns at the time, hence i’ts conclusion despite the show being finished before Lilo And Stitch the movie came out, let alone the series. 

So yeah i’m taking this ride for the first time.. but I was happy to. While Kev pays for a lot of my work, I still have to accept the idea.. and this was a great one. It allows me to cover 5 amazing series and gage how much people would want to see reviews of said series on this blog in one fell swoop.

So to kick us off we have American Dragon: Jake Long, a series I waited forever to come to Disney + as I loved it at the time, badly need to rewatch it (Been busy ), and find it genuinely great: It’s a great teen superhero story about the magical protector of new york, with a charming lead, a great setting and horrifcally great villians in the violently racist magic creature hunting huntsclan.. and their top agent who happens to be jake’s love intrest Rose. It’s really excellent and i’m glad it’s now widely avaliable for all to see. I will say ahead that all four shows in this crossover arc are excellent, and were fine choices for this. 

So what happens when an action comedy about a hip hop teenage dragon meets a slice of life show about aliens? Find out under the cut. 

So we open at a fancy hotel where Lilo’s bringing lunch to her sister Nani when she runs into.. Keoni Jameson. 

The second I remembered this kid all the hate just came flooding back, coursing through my veigns. Just pure liquid hatred for this little perosnalitiless little punk. Keoni is Lilo’s crush and local “stupid white audience stand in”. He has no real personality other than “generic cool kid” and “likes skating”, and just sucks the air out of the room anytime he’s in an episode. Keoni is part of a recurring problem in cartoons across the ages, one that’s slowly going away: the bland love intrest. Intorducing a character whose only traits are being cool for the lead to fawn over with usually no intent of either getting the two togehter or just ending it. IT’s annoying, it was in a good chunk of my childhood, I wish it’d stop. I cannot tell you how many shows used this trope. There were exceptions, American Dragon Jake Long actually used it well by not only making Rose a fleshed out character..  but making her jake’s nemisis in their other lives, and thus making things increidbly difficult on both once the truth comes out, with Jake grappling with if he can trust her or not and Rose grappling with the slow relization eveyrthing she was taught her whole life was wrong.

And again I have seen GOOD storylines using this as a tool: Dipper and Wendy ended with her having been aware teh whole time, but simply not knowing how to let him down given the age gap, and Regular Show rebounded the best from it: it turned the stop and start relatoinshpi of Mordecai and Margret’s relationship into a character flaw for him, openly explored it.. and ended up having him work past it and actually date her for a bit. Before she moved away, he got an even better love interest, then they destoryed the relationship in the worst way posisble and I wil lbe getting to that at some point. Some point. 

So yeah even at the time it was done better, hindsight haas only made it worse and it made watching the first few minutes tough because I had to keep pasuing because I hate him so damn much. He just adds NOTHING to the show and is a blank yanwing void from which no good came out of and I was terrified he’d be in the rest of the episode. Thankfully while he drives the plot he’s only in this scene.. but it’s still one more scene than both 625 and Pleakly got. yeah both are missing, as is nani. 

I did uncover one fun fact that made things a bit easier though: The crew ALSO hated Keoni. No really. Disney forced the character on them as they wanted an audience surrogate, and this abomination is what popped out. They DID NOT want him here and likely only used him as mcuh as they did because Disney forced it on them. And Disney would NOT learn from this as Star Vs got saddled with Alphonso and Ferguson soley because of network mandate. The two aren’t TERRIBLE characters but they aren’t great and feel as tacked on as they were. And part of this does fall on the crew: you CAN twist a stupid mandate like this to work well: Joe Murray was asked to add “A female character with a hook”, as in some sort of dumb gimmick to Rocko. He used those words, meant to create a superfical girl power cardboard cutout.. and created the wonderful Dr. Hutchenson, a bright cheery doctor, the series best sidecharacter.. and someone with a hook hand. But I won’t go too hard on them: they probably didn’t have as much room to manuver and the fact Keoni was sitll being shoved into episodes in season 2 tells me they likely had a set number of episodes he had to show up. I’m suprised they didn’t demand they have characters ask “Where’s Keonie?” any time he wasn’t in an episode. He was unecessary and it comes across with a massive chunk of unforutnate implications: that they didn’t think a series with a mostly hawaiann cast would work, that they wanted at least one other “nice” white character to offset myrtle instead of having the only major white character be a bully and antagonist, and that they thought tehir mostly white audience coudln’t enjoy a series without a white character, which as someone who was in the target demo at the time, I call bullshit on. As I said I hated him then, I hate him now and his involvement is the worst aspect of this episode. 

So after Lilo fawns over him for a bit we find out this chonk of wood’s purpose in the episode: to set up the plot. There’s a massive Skate Competition coming to town with the prize being a really cool skateboard.  This plot point itself.. I don’t mind. Jake is a skater, it’s part of his character and one of the things he loves doing in what minsicule spare time he has. And while it was a common trope at the time having a character skateboard really dosen’t harm most works. We’ve gotten great characters like Jake, Jackie Lynn Thomas, Branwen and Ronnie Anne Santiago out of it, and it feels like natural parts of the character, and frankly An Extremley Goofy Movie wouldn’t be NEARLY as awesome without having skateboarding bizzarley attached to the plot via the college x-games. Granted somtimes you get Rocket Power out of the deal but that’s the price you pay for the good stuff. I only regret it’s involved because Keoni has to be there and I had to pause multiple times to get through his scene. He’s just a sampler platter of terrible decisions made in 2000′s cartoons and he irritates me more than this guy. 

And anyone whose read my Loud House reviews can tell you that is a high bar to clear. 

So naturally Lilo wants to enter the Hawiann X-Games to get the board for Keoni. Though I will give the writers credit for having Stitch voice their thoughts and the audiences thoughts by having him take Keoni’s picture and throw it in the garbage. Where he belongs. 

Lilo’s not great at it as they practice.. and said practice naturally ends up waking up a new experiment, 316.. who i’m just going to go ahead and call Morpholomew. Stitch eventually catches him though like many of the experiments he’s not actively malevelolent and is easy enough to get home. 

Jumba gets to his schitck of breaking down what the experiment of the week does: In this case Morpholomew is  a shapeshifter though he has a VERY intresting twist on those powers: while he can naturally morph himself into anything he’s seen or has a picture of, he can do the same to anyone he touches. It dosen’t effect their voices, but otherwise it’s a perfect recreation. 

So Lilo instead of finding him a home right away.. decides to wait until after the compettition because we need him for the plot. 

So at the Skateboard Competittion Lilo tries to enter, but finds she’s too young.. but since she has a picture of Keoni, which is a nice way to use her photo hobby from the movie for plot reasons and thus dosen’t feel like an ass pull. Why Keoni’s not in town to skate is as his dad left because it’d be too crowded.. even though the event is at the resort he owns. 

So while Lilo commits identtity theft, our guest star appears. He’s cool, he’s hot like a frozen son, he’s young and fast he’s the chosen one, people i’m not braggin, i’ts the American Dragon. Jake is here for two reasons: the first is that Grandpa Long got reports of magical creatures out in the open, so naturally they need to look into that. It’s a clever way to get him, along with Grandpa, Fu, Trixie and Spud, over to Hawaii. The Dragon Council would defintely be suspcious hearing about this, and my guess to why they hadn’t sent another dragon over is they simply dont’ have one on the islands. As for why the Huntsclan didn’t get involved in any way, it’s simply too public for them.  With the magical community in new york, they don’t have to worry about exposure because neither side wants it, so neither side can out the other. Here with a bunch of creatures out in the open it runs the risk of the Hunstclan being dragged into the light.. and given the populace dosne’t care about the “magical creatures” alongside them, it would make them look like the monsters they are. 

Spud and Trixie tagging along also makes sense besides “they needed them for the plot”: While they’d obviously want to come to Hawaii, the skate competition is likely Jake’s cover for why he’s there, as well as one for why it’s just him and grandpa going with a couple of his friends so they don’t have to deal with manuvering around jake’s dad. That sad them never TELLING jake’s Dad is it’s own can of worms as it feels cruel, made things harder for jake and there was no real reason not to. At worst he’d want Jake to stop for his own saftey but given ther’es an active threat in  the huntsclan for the first season and a half, NOT helping people would be the right thing and I feel he’s a sensible enough man to understand eventually. 

And it’s stuff like this that already makes this crossover really work for me: they don’t really have to strain to get Jake over there or tell the audience heavily, the blanks fill in themslves. Or I am but that’s because it’s my job and I love doin it. 

So everyone goes off to their corners; Jake to do a few practice runs, Foo Dog to bet on his friend because of course, Trixie and Spud to go to the beach (even though Spud’s terrified of sharks so I question why Trixie needs him for this), and in a delightfully adorable subplot, finds a lady to woo: local fruit stand vendoer and crankly old lady Mrs. Hasagawa. 

I am here for this subplot: While Grandpa not focusing on the mission is weird for him that’s the entire point.. and their just really cute together. He’s smitten with her entirely because he sees her chewing out one of the people running the contest for making her sign too small. And he performs one hell of a romantic gesture by, while everyone’s back is turned, using his dragon fire to make an add for her on the skate ramp itself, and they have a lovely montage of their time together.. which also weirdly includes grandpa using his dragon fire on stage inf ront of everyone which makes no sense for his charcter but is so cute and does feature david I really don’t care. The writers of Lilo and Stitch probably weren’t deeply familiar with the show and likely just wanted a fun gag. Could be wrong there but it’s cute. He continues to act grossly out of character by trying to avoid going home at the end.. but again I find it simply because he’s in love, they have genuine chemstiry and I like to think they stayed in touch and he retired out there at some point once Jake was old enough to handle things himself. This may not be a ship I expected to support going in but I will die for it going out. 

So back to the main plot, Lilo uses Keoni’s body to imitate him which... she’s only loosely called out on and realizes is bad by the end only because she gets stuck in another body. And that’s not even getting into the fact she BREAKS UP WITH KEONI’S GIRLFRIEND. Yes really.. she just does that to get her out of the way. She comes around and realizes she was wrong and tries to fix it which would be fine.. if hte episode didn’t try to cop it out by revealing “Oh she’s not his girlfriend, she’s just someone who keeps telling people that”. It just feels lazy and dumb and a way to keep Lilo’s crush on Keoni for reasons I DO. NOT. GET. But the identity theft is just brushed aside by everyone: Keoni never finds out, and Jake just brushes it off. The real issue is more her trying to bribe keoni into likng her which while something kids need to learn is not the only thing she did wrong here. It feels like they didn’t think all the implications out here and it hampers the episode

Speaking of which as Gantu captures Jake, he sees him transform into dragon mode and assumes he’s the experiment, Jake’s charactization is pretty shallow.  And why yes it DOES feel weird writing sentences about a character with the same name thank you for asking. I wasn’t expecting a deep character piece or anything: This is a guest spot, the writers here are not the same normal ones for American Dragon. That’s fine. The problem.. is that they clearly did not get Jake. Grandpa being partly out of character is half the joke, Trixie actually gets a really nice moment towards the end, and Spud.. is eh. But out of them Jake just feels like a basic character description: He likes hip hop, he likes skateboards, he calls himself Am Drag despite that sounding like a good name for a drag act but a terrible name to shorten your title, he fights.. that’s it. 

While jake is all of that in the main series, he’s also a kind young man who while sometimes irresponsible does the right thing when the chips are down.  He’s someone weighed down by a responsiblity he didn’t ask for, often makes his life more difficult and often finds himself in trouble because his mother and grandfather won’t bother to tell his dad he’s a dragon. Yes that part still bothers me, and I don’t see why we couldn’t just have a superhero show where both parents know. But regardless this just dosen’t feel like Jake , like they just watched the intro and that was it. Jake feels more like a plot device in his own crossover. 

That being said there is some good stuff: The minute Jake realizes some Sci Fi stuff is going on instead of hte normal magic stuff he tells him “The am drag’s show isn’t about sci fi” a nice meta bit and then breaks out. Meanwhile Lilo takes on his form.. and ends up stuck after badly botching her run again, as Gantu finds the real shapeshifter. 

We get the best stretch of the episode from here though: Lilo awkardly tries to play jake and like jake we get a nice meta nod to how diffrent their show is as she’s worried about his belief in magical creatures.. and is startled out of her charade when Foo Dog talks, a really nice bit especially since it’s tame compared to the weirdness he deals with. Spud and Trixie have questions... only for Jake to show up and his agressive behavior leads to the best bit of the episode: Jake Vs Stitch. The catlyst is understandable: jake has no idea why Lilo’s taken his identity and Sttich is just protecting his best friend from harm. The animation is fluid, the fight is fun and quick and uses both’s powers stellarl. Whle “two heroes get into a misunderstanding and then fight” is a well worn cliche at this point, it’s moments like this that show why: you get to see two heroes who in this case never have interacted before or sense, duke it out, why each is special and it’s fun to watch. 

Lilo breaks it up, and admits to the whole thing.. including the whole give Keani the board stuff. While Jake and Spud, being awkard with girls and a loveable moron don’t see the problem with that Trixie gets a moment to shine. As far as I can remember she really didn’t get much on the show proper so it was a nice suprise to see her mentor lilo her, telling her trying to give someone gifts to love you is not okay, she should just be herself all that good stuff. It’s a nice character stuff and tha’ts the kind of character interaction this episode needed more of. 

With the misunderstandings washed away our heroes team up and storm gantu’s ship leading to another great sequence as Stitch rides on Jake’s back while the two keep him busy and Lilo gets turned back, Trixie complimenting her dress “Thanks I have 10 just like it at home”. It’s such a sweet and genuine moment” They head back out and gantu semeingly grabs morpholmew from where they hide.. only to find out when he gets back it’s spud, our adorable little blob monster transforming Gantu into a bunny and our heroes leaving. How does Gantu get out of being a bunny?

But it’s a nice enough gag. So we end the episode. We get another nice gag as grandpa had himself and his lady transformed to try and avoid going home, and Jake is fine with having lost out on the board what matters is he made a friend. Sadly we did not get a followup in ADJL., but spud does name our experiment, Morpholomew. 

We end on Morph getting his home: a costume shop where he gets paid in fried chicken, he was shown to enjoy it throughtout the episode and changes people into things. It’s a nice little button to the episode and one of the funnest parts of the show was figuring out where the experiment would end up at the end. 

Final Thoughts:

This episode is a really mixed bag. There is some good character interactions, two tremendous fight scens and Trixie gets a chance to shine for once if only for a scene or two, and the clashing genres end up making for some great jokes> The shows do go well together as while Lilo and Stitch is more laid back both have slice of life elements. And hasgawa X Grandpa is just oto cute for words. 

The episode is held back by Jake and Lilo’s lackluster characterizatons: Jake is simply the theme song as a character, which in theory is awesome because that theme song slaps but in practice is pretty lame, and Lilo is selfish and irresponsible even for her in a way that dosen’t feel at all convincing. It drags down what’s otherwise a fun crossover and Morpholomew is truly a unique and wonderful experiment. Still if you like either show it’s worth a watch even if you have to suffer through Keoni for it. It’s worth it.. I just wish it was better and hopefully the next 3 will keep the good parts but take out the bad. Granted this was produced last so I could be wrong, but here’s hoping.  Oh this episode also featured Miranda Cosgrove as the girl who claims to be Keoni’s girlfriend. This is also Keoni’s last episode meaning I do NOT have to worry about accidently running into him. Thank fucking christ. 

Next Time On American Dragon Jake Long: Jake’s dad drags him and his friends on a camping trip and Jake ends up encountering the Jersey Devil. Now all they need is a sexy lady devil cake to lure it out... what it worked for the Cake Boss. And yes that happened, Allison Pregler did an episode on that episode. Check it out. 

Next Time On Lilo and Stitch Crossovers: It’s the family, the family, proud familllyyy as the Prouds take a vacation at Peakly and Jumbas bed but not breakfast and we get some kind of squirrel demon for our experiment of the week. We also get Wizard Kelly appearing...

See you at the next rainbow.