#my parents are very experienced and are luckily dealing with the depression and not when it was a category 4

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

My parents are dealing with Hurricane Helene and my mom’s peak priority is getting coffee with no power

Like mom, every other house has a tree ontop of it, you have other issues!

My mom: yes, very true, but also I’m busy making coffee on our camp stove. Trees second, coffee first

[indescribeable]

Can you write Sam comforting Mika when depressed?

Ok so I have very much so been slacking I know and I'm sorry I just really haven't had any motivation to write anything but I got pinged with this ask today and even though I have like 3 or four other asks in my inbox I decided to try this one (don't worry those who asked me for other scenarios I will get around to doing them eventually I promise but for now here you go I hope you enjoy. TW mentions depression it's not heavy but it is there. Sorry, it's so short but I hope you like it anon <3

It's okay not to be okay.

Title from kdrama of the same name.

Depression unfortunately is never black and white, it takes on many different forms and is often a rollercoaster, never simple, never easy. There may be millions of articles and studies on the subject but no definitive answer or cure. You lose the motivation to do even basic tasks. Mika had experienced what felt like all ends of the spectrum when it came to depression, she had been in some deep and truly dark places throughout her life and managed to get back out somehow but never fully escaped them. It had been quite some time since she had an episode like that, which made her feel worse. She was upset with herself for falling back in, Currently, she was lying in her comfort clothing, baggy grey sweatpants and a hoodie drowning herself in her bed covers staring aimlessly out the large windows leading to the balcony of her room. Rain battered the windows, the room cast in a dark grey shadow fitting for her current mood and state. She had been there for days now barely moving, barely eating and it was safe to say the boys were getting concerned.

They were doing all they could think of to try to make her feel better, James had turned to researching Mika's symptoms trying to figure out what was going on though to his dismay as depression was such a wide and intricate subject he couldn't find what he was looking for, sure there were multiple things you could try but at the end of the day there was no definitive cure and for a lot of the suggested things to work the person dealing with it has to be willing to try like therapy for example sure it would probably help her alot but unless she was willing to try it he couldnt do anything as forcing her into it wouldn’t benefit anybody , Erik tried to help Mika relax through things like playing relaxing piano music, tried helping her through her dreams (with permission of course) but still couldn't make any progress, Matthew made her favourite foods and sweets, tried to get her to play video games with him, he made her a plethora of stuffed animals even simon tabby was trying his best so much so he was behaving for once staying with her snuggled up to try and provide what comfort he could, Damien was there to listen, to talk, it hurt being able to hear all the dark things she was thinking about herself and he tried his best to reassure her but if she didnt believe it herself then not much would come of it. 

Sam on the other hand hadn’t come to see her, it's not that he didn't want to but he was never really good with human emotions, never great at providing comfort, never good with his words. It was eating away at him that she wasn't ok, that he couldn't figure out what the hell he was supposed to do. She had already been through so much with Malix and Diana, her parents and even that jackass Andrew, it angered him to no end that even though those events had long since passed that they all still managed to affect her life. The few days she had been cooped up in her room she hadn't eaten and wasnt taking care of herself, the boys were running out of ideas and had a meeting around half an hour ago the conclusion being to get Sam to go check on her even with his objection, not because he didn't want to but because he didn't know what to do, didn't want to make it worse so he had been pacing outside her door for the last 20 minutes, luckily she couldn't hear his pacing due to the storm outside.

His pacing only came to a halt when he heard sniffles coming from her room. She had been silent as a mouse for the past few days but she had finally broken. The choked sobs and sniffles broke his heart, knowing he couldn't just leave her like that he finally worked up the courage to go inside. Slowly raising his hand he gently knocked on her door.

“Hey, doofus it's me……..can I come in?” 

As soon as he spoke the sobbing stopped and after a few moments he heard a feint “okay” come from the other side of the door, it took him a second to register what she had said as it was so quiet but as soon as he did he gently opened the door stepping inside the room shutting the door behind him. He stood there for a few moments not really sure what to do, she hadn't moved and they both just sat in silence for what felt like an eternity. Not being able to take it anymore Sam made his way over to the side of the bed Mika was currently lying on sitting on the edge staring out the windows with her. Again silence fell over the two but it felt less awkward they stayed like that for a while before Sam spoke up turning to face her as he did.

“Doofus look at me” 

It took her a few moments but eventually, she gave in looking up at him. Her eyes were all red, puffy and swollen and she had a permanent frown etched onto her face. Sam's expression softened before he reached over petting her hair as he spoke.

“Look doofus, im not really good at this kind of stuff and I have no idea what you're going through, I know I haven't come to see you before now but I just didn’t know what to do and I didn't want to make it worse for you but I want you to know that im here for you I don't know if that's reassuring or comforting for you but it's all I've got, I’m not like Damien I cant easily figure out what going on in that head of yours but I can say with 100% certainty that nothing is your fault and its ok to let yourself feel sad or angry heck if needed you can come take your anger out on me for all I care I wouldn't doubt that I deserve it but you can't do that if you don’t take care of yourself. Like I said I don’t know what you're going through and I can tell it's hard for you but you do deserve to be happy Mika, you have done so much for me and my brothers not that we really deserve it with the shit storm we've ended up bringing into your life but were all really worried about you……….. I’m really worried about you.” 

Silent tears began flooding from Mika's eyes as she stared into his concerned green ones.

“Im really sorry Sam, all I ever seem to do is worry you guys, I don’t want to feel this way but I can't help it, I feel like im just being dragged further and further into the darkness with no way out and…. I didn’t want to drag you guys down with me.” 

Sam's frown deepened as he gently picked up one of Mika's hands capturing it with both of his larger ones letting out a large sigh before responding. 

“Doofus you are always thinking of everyone else before yourself, don’t worry about us all we want is for you to get better no matter how long it takes, no matter what it takes you should be worrying about yourself, not us.” 

She let out a huffed laugh before responding “You should take your own advice too ya know.” Sam let out a light chuckle at that. 

“You may be right but don't change the subject this is about you, not me, I know that whatever any of us say isn't going to make you instantly better but I wasn't lying im here to talk to whenever you need even if you just need to rant as someone listens.”

“The thing is I don’t have anything to say, I can’t even figure out what's wrong with me all I know is I feel really heavy, I don't have the energy to do anything it’s like I have this huge hole where my hearts supposed to be, my mind won't shut up and I can't help but believe everything it’s telling me I don’t want to but I can't help it.” As she continued to speak rogue tears began to stream down her cheeks. “I know that what im thinking isn't true but I can't let myself believe that no matter how hard I try, I’m so sick and tired of fighting with myself, of being exhausted all the damn time, I can't even do something as basic as fucking taking care of myself!” At this point she was sobbing and shaking as she spoke, Sam could feel the rage coming off her though it was only for a short moment as quickly as it arrived it was replaced with sadness. Before he could even register what he was doing Sam had pulled her upright wrapping her in a tight hug, as she buried her face in his shoulder he buried his nose in her hair squeezing as tight as he could while still giving her enough room to breathe. He didn't know much about this kind of thing but he did know that applying enough pressure could help relax her. 

After what felt like an eternity of tears Mika finally ran out and they simply sat there in silence neither of them willing to move out of the embrace. 

“You don’t have to bottle it all up Doofus, take it from me keeping it all to yourself doesn't help anyone and there's no shame in asking for help.” 

After a few moments, she pulled back lifting her head with a small yet truly genuine smile on her face flooding Sam with relief the wave so powerful it almost knocked him down.

She reached up with her small shaking hand gently cupping his cheek before responding “Thank you, Sammy, I really don't know what I would do without you. I can’t promise you anything but im gonna try and you're not as bad at this as you think you are ya know.” 

He couldn't help his cheeks flushing at the nickname and her words but still, he offered her a kind and relieved smile before pulling her into another bear hug. 

“That's all we could ever ask of you, doofus and thank you I don't agree with you on that last bit but thank you.” 

She chuckled in response “It doesn't matter if you don't agree with me it's still true.”

After a few moments of companionable silence, Mika spoke up again raising her head to meet his eyes blushing before speaking. 

“Will you stay with me? I really don’t want to be alone right now.” 

Sam responded with a blush of his own covering his cheeks nodding “Sure doofus.” 

Sam gently released her from his arms letting her settle back down onto the bed before laying next to her facing her and pulling her tight to his chest nuzzling the top of her head with his nose. As both of their eyelids began to feel heavy a thought popped into his head.

“Hey doofus you still haven't eaten anything yet.”

Mika responded quietly slightly slurring her words as she was quickly falling asleep. 

“I’ll eat when we wake up.” Sam let out a soft chuckle before responding.

“You better or I'll throw you over my shoulder and bring you down to the kitchen myself.” 

She let out a light sleepy chuckle in response tickling his chest with her breath.

“I promise I will, as long as you make breakfast.” 

“Are you sure you want that doofus, there's a reason why Matthew and James do all the cooking you know.” 

She chuckled again before responding. “I don’t care im only gonna eat it if you make it.” 

She could feel him smile against the top of her head the feeling giving her a sense of warmth she hadn't felt for days.

“Fine doofus ill make breakfast but even if it tastes like shit your still eating it.” 

“Haha, as long as you're making it I’ll eat it.” 

Finally, they both drifted off into a peaceful sleep in each other's arms the sound of heavy rain fading away as the sky outside cleared and the sun began to set filling the room with an orange glow before fading into comforting darkness. 

[toughsprinkles]

Over the last week, I've experienced many things. I've gotten new outfits from my church thrift store. Tried healthy eating for a day lol, spent time with my dog, and my boyfriend Josh. I've experienced happiness from household good being bought and a surprise trip to cerreta's chocolate factory. Which is located in Arizona. I got a full pound of chocolates which I am enjoying this week my very good spoils. I've decorated for halloween and the fall season, even candles and lotions included. All in all a good week all things considered.

I'm currently sitting at Starbucks writing my blog and finding a way to introduce myself to this blog....

I am Telisa LeFevre at this point. Someday I aspire to be Telisa Fralick, but we don't know everything before it happens or do we?

I am in love with Josh Fralick, and we have been together for a year and 3 quarters. lol Our anniversary is December 21, 2023. Which for a year of that I thought our anniversary was in January, because of official titling but all things said, but adventures not had yet, we are happy and content being together. We've experienced golf dates, food dates, store dates, and hikes, and even trips together. We currently live apart but hope to change that eventually. He lives an hour from me so his effort to see me is life changing and awe inspiring love. He has loved me through all my changes, even the toughest ones including:

Almost experiencing homelessness, suicidal thoughts, hospital stays, positive encouragements, two jobs over the last year, a move, and a new life goal.

I'm currently in college for Psychology: Addictions and Recovery. However I may change that later to Christian Counseling Bachelors degree. Depending on if I can handle the real life experiences of helping and mentoring those in addiction and recovery. I'm currently taking a Peer Specialist Certification Class to become certified to be a Peer Support Specialist in a therapy office. Peer support specialists work with individuals to help mentally ill, or addicts in recovery, or anyone who needs extra support, find goals and attain them themselves, all while rolemodeling and mentoring them in their recovery process throughout at time in their lives. I have wanted to be a peer specialist since I graduated high school in 2011.

I first found out about peer specialists when I was in highschool attending counseling as a teen. I attended counseling for behavioral issues, as well as a drug problem, and family genetic depression. Shortly after my drug problem arose, so did the symptoms of schizophrenia. Which I no doubt got from my father. In no way do I blame either of my parents. In fact they are very informed about my life and have major roles in my life. Anways, back to it. I had a peer specialist on my case during my time doing therapy and counseling, and he changed my whole view of peer support. He helped in my aid of getting clean, leaving a friend group that supplied, and aided me in going to therapy and counseling groups for my healing and benefits after my long hospital stay that led to very high dosages of antipsychotics for the schizophrenia and depression. I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar Schizophrenia. Thus led a long 10 years of counseling and singleness, up until the time I met my ex. When I met my ex I was ready to date, it had been 6 years of singleness, and I was ready to experience life after many suicidal attempts and hospitalizations for those attempts. None of which fatal luckily. I stayed with that ex for four years. He wasn't abusive when it started. Just little comments about my weight, no big deal. Ha. Should have known. We ended up in his first abusive fight about 2 1/2 to 3 years into the relationship. He put his hands around my throat. I cried, and screamed for hours, never had I been put in a stance where my life or so much anger could be a danger to me. I've been smacked by a step parent once, but never like this. I stayed though, I was living with him, we just needed space, so we moved into a larger place, and things calmed down. By year four it was nothing but minor conversations and of terrible things sex as often as we both needed or wanted. But he was still abusive. He was about my weight, he was about me with talking to other men, I couldn't have friends without him thinking something. Then.... it happened again. Another time with hands around my throat, and I did the only thing I knew possible was to call the police. He went to jail, and a restraining order was placed. I spent months afterwards moving back into my uncle's place with my mom, and looking for new ways to get away from him. He knew where I lived, could "stop by" anytime he wanted to risk his court order and things just went south. My symptoms were bad, I was distraught and depressed.

All things considered my uncle and family were guiding lights to me.

My uncle suddenly passed that same year in 2023, in October. May he always rest in peace and his soul be delivered to Almighty God.

Because of my uncle passing, we had to move out of our house because my mother and I and cousins could not afford it. I moved to Arizona with my mother into my brother's apartment luckily for 6 months before we found a new apartment. I met my current boyfriend in November online on a dating site. He lived an hour away but he was sure he wanted to know me, and he spent every single friday with me that first year just to take me out on day dates, and it shortly turned into the love of my life.

My mother and I found another apartment and we currently live there on our second year leasing there. I know I'm 32 and live with my mom, but bro it is so expensive out there, and were working on a plan to get a modular home someday together me and Josh. I'm so excited to be alive, and be working toward being a peer specialist and someday a therapist.

This life has many joys, and struggles and strife, but I strive to be a happy, peaceful, fun loving, part of this world.

And that's me in a nutshell. A literal nutshell, I'm a nut. I'm cookee, and fun, and real. alive. Ready for pretty much anything. Maybe not everything but life is so worth living. Yeah love makes it worth it, we get it. Yada yada. But it's really passion, passion to pursue. passion to succeed, passion to worship the maker, passion to include those you love on your journey, and passion to just straight up be alive.

These are the tough times of our lives, and these are the sprinkles. Thus, toughsprinkles blog is here.

I'll be posting my mood, my poetry, my adventures with Josh, and family, and successes and fails of life, along with pictures of everyday things, and just random good things to find in life. This blog is a timeline journey of good and bad. Tough and sprinkles. Have a sweet day!

[itwasadhdallalong]

Intro Post

I’m 32, female, from New Zealand and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I have three kids and my oldest (my son) was diagnosed probably about 4 years ago. At the time he was diagnosed his specialist lady (forget her title) said when a child is diagnosed, usually one or both the parents will have it too. At the time, I thought of his dad, who I’m no longer with.

About three years earlier, after the birth of my second child, I was first told I was depressed and was given antidepressants. Later when they didn’t help I went to a mental health clinic thing and was diagnosed with Bipolar. I don’t even know which type but I knew it was wrong. They gave me meds. Didn’t help but made me sleepy and zombie-like all the time. I researched it and it made no sense, but when researching that I found BPD and convinced myself it was that, because it sounded close to what I experienced. Not exact but close enough, so what else would it be, right? My next appointment I told them they were wrong and I didn’t have bipolar but bpd. He said ‘I believe you’ and I was given more meds. Didn’t help. I stopped taking them when I fell pregnant again and I never went back on any medication for my mental health. I’ve been generally stable in my mental health anyway, just the lows and big lows (but over soon) and my mood can change very quickly.

Over the years I did more research in order to better understand ADHD and my kid and wouldn’t you know, I could relate to a lot of this stuff. Particularly the way it manifests in girls and women. Naturally I started to have suspicions but I kept it to myself and kept researching.

Over the past couple of years I became pretty convinced I had ADHD but I felt like a total imposter telling people about it at first. This year I started actually discussing the possibility with people. I wanted to get diagnosed but at the moment general practitioners aren’t referring people unless they are in crisis (and you can’t just say you’re in crisis when you have children). Luckily, I came into a bit of money and was able to go private.

I couldn’t see a psychiatrist due to them being so overloaded at the moment, especially the ones that specialise in adult ADHD. I guess so many people are realising that it fits them and going for assessment. So they had me see a psychologist, who can diagnose but can’t prescribe medication.

My first appointment was her verbally asking me the questions on three different scales/tests and me not being able to do yes or no answers because context is important. I didn’t get a diagnosis that day, because she had to score my tests.

Days later she told me she needed to speak to either my partner or one of my parents to see more about what I was like. My partner, despite being diagnosed as a kid doesn’t really believe how ADHD impacts people and my dad wasn’t in my life much so my mum it was. We did an hour long zoom call where she asked mum questions about me as a child and now and then I waited. And waited… she told me I needed to fill out one more scale that someone else would be emailing me. I didn’t get it but figured they were busy. A week later after obsessively checking my inbox I finally told my psychologist I hadn’t received it and she said it was sent a week prior… I hadn’t received it. So they sent it again, I filled it out, and about a week later she emailed me to tell me my assessments were all in line with a diagnosis of ADHD. So now, I just have to see a psychiatrist when one is available so they can look into medication options with me.

I have said the words ‘I have ADHD’ only once since then, in my car, by myself. I have told people but I haven’t said it out loud, I’m still dealing with imposter syndrome. But I’m starting to realise all the weird shit I’ve always done or hated or whatever is because I’m actually fucking neurodivergent. And you know what, I’m so glad I know now because I spent 32 years thinking and being told I was weird and I have never loved any of those things about myself but I’m slowly starting to accept my weird traits because other people have them too. I’m not alone! It was ADHD all along!

[yo-im-a-bisexual]

This is my first time writing and i'm definitely no writer. English isn't even my first language. It is kinda long but I swear it's going somewhere. I just really love them and this will only work untill we get a new kieutou clip so whatever. Hope you enjoy. And I'm sorry if it sucks. constructive criticism is always okay but I will probably not take it into account because I am already depressed. Enjoy!!

Basically what I wish happened today for kieu my.

'but we'll definitely see each other when you come back?' 14:31

Kieu my stared at fatou's text notification on her phone, not knowing what to answer.

She still didn't know how to feel about their interaction on Tuesday, it all happened so fast and the last thing she wanted was to fight with her girlfriend.

At the time, leaving seemed like the best solution and Kieu my had every right to feel conflicted about what fatou said.

"you're the only thing distracting me from everything else at the moment"

The words resonate in her head. It hurt. Kieu my couldn't hide that those words are the ones that kept her up that night. And obviously, also the crazy situation they were in right now.

"Kieu my?" The words broke her out of her trance and she looked up from her phone to see Zoe looking at her with a worried look on her face.

"Are you okay? You've been checking your phone every five minutes since we got here" Zoe added getting closer to her

"yeah, I'm fine. I'm just... Forget it." She answered her best friend. "We're gonna lose the guys if we don't keep up" she said looking straight ahead.

Zoe didn't push her and just agreed. Kieu my put her phone back in her pocket. They jogged a little to catch up with their friends and they just kept walking.

She looked at the small group and laughed dryly to herself, which earned her a weird look from Constantin. Somehow her tall dumb friend got himself all the way to fricking Brandenburg and couldn't remember how. When Ismail told her about a 'Consti-emergency' she figured they would have to go get him from a ditch somewhere, she just would have never guessed it was from the countryside, one (1) and a half hour away from Berlin.

On the way there Ismail had told them that Constantin had called them completely trashed asking for help.

Kieu my really hasn't been keeping up with what's been happening in her friends lives. She felt bad. But at the same time, how could she? She's had so much to deal with between her parents and the shop and school and... Fatou. There she goes again. Even when she tries to be mad at her she just can't keep the skater out of her head. She reaches for her phone in her pocket when she hears a commotion ahead.

When she looks up she sees Contantin throwing up in a bush. She looks away not wanting to throw up herself.

"You guys go and head back i'll take care of... This" she hears Ismail say and when she turns back around she sees them patting the blonde's back

"are you sure?" Finn asks them and when they only nod their head 'yes' he looks at Zoe.

"yeah... okay let's go then" Zoe finally says after a minute of staring at the ground. "Text us if you need anything and when he... Calms down." She adds with a tight lipped smile. Zoe grabs her boyfriend's hand and her Best friend's arm and they start walking away.

"well that was... Unexpected?" Kieu my says after a few minutes of silence.

"yeah/yeah" both Finn and Zoe answer at the same time. "I'll text my brother and tell him we're coming back" Finn adds.

They got lucky this time around. Last time, they had to drive an hour to go get Constantin and drive back to Berlin in the middle of the night. But luckily Finn's brother somehow lived in Brandenburg so they didn't have to drive all the way back. When they got there and found the passed out boy they decided they all needed a break.

After about a twenty (20) minute walk and a small bus ride they finally got to the small house. It was cozy. Kieu my really couldn't complain. She got to share a room with her best friend while the boys would have to try and fit on the couch in the living room. Although she's pretty sure she's gonna sleep alone because Finn somehow managed to find another bed in what seemed to be the attic and with some good arguments managed to convince Zoe to sleep with him in there. But she's also pretty sure she won't be able to sleep anyway.

Like every winter day, night falls pretty fast. It's past 8 p.m and they already ate. Constantin is passed out on the couch and the others are talking about all sorts of things in the kitchen. Kieu my takes it as her queue to go to her room.

"I'm gonna get some rest. I need my beauty sleep" she tells them. They all say goodnight and she's left walking to her room alone.

It's only ten (10) minutes later when someone knocks at her door. "Can I come in kieu?" It's Zoe.

"yes, please"

"so are you ready to tell me what happened with Fatou or not?" Zoe asks nonchalantly.

"how did you even-" she gets cut off

"Come on Kieu, you're my best friend... and I saw the dozen texts she left on your phone" Zoe drags out

Kieu my falls on her bed and zoe sits next to her playing with her best friend's hair.

"I feel like I messed up... Like somehow I did something wrong and now she's pulling away from me" she starts and even before Zoe can say anything she continues. "But I just wanted to help her and she..."

"she what?"

"she said I was a distraction. And that I should leave her alone and she just got angry at me and I didn't want to fight with her so I... Left. Oh my god, I shouldn't have left right? Now she's gonna think I was there only for school stuff. She probably needed me and I left... Am I a terrible person Zoe?" She let out in barely one breath.

"See now you're spiraling. Take a breath, okay? No you are not a bad person. You were just upset and Fatou probably was too but those kinda things happen in a relationship. Me and Finn argue all the time and most of the time it's because one of us misunderstood something the other did or said" Zoe reassured her

Kieu my took a few deep breaths and sat up in the bed. She started playing With her fingers like she always does when she's feeling things.

"I guess I'm just scared that right now she's into me because I'm a good enough distraction but the moment she doesn't need me anymore... She'll just move on to someone more experienced or more interesting." The words leave her mouth with shaky breaths. Kieu my's eyes start shining but she blinks a couple time to keep the tears away.

"oh Kieu, you are such an idiot sometimes" the blonde laughs while kieu my looks at her dumbfounded. "Fatou is not like that. Nora once told me that one time, when the girls had a sleepover Fatou couldn't stop talking about you for the entire afternoon, so much so that when she fell asleep she was still saying your name" she continues. Kieu my blushes at the statement, thankful that the light is dim enough for her friend not to notice. Before Kieu my can say anything her very talkative friend continues. "She's smitten, Kieu. Maybe she just as some stuff going on. I mean don't we all" she adds wich earns a small laugh from her friend

Before they can continue their conversation someone knocks at the door and comes in without waiting for an answer. It's Finn, with a big smile on his face.

"hey girls!" He says way too excitedly. "I was wondering if Zoe.." he says looking at his girlfriend. "..Would like to come join me in our fine chambers?"

Zoe looks at her friend who is smiling at her. "Duty calls. Sorry. But if you wanna keep talking-" Kieu my cuts her off.

"Go, don't worry I'm fine. Thanks for the talk"

Zoe smiles one last time before running out of the room hand in hand with Finn.

Kieu my lays back down and closes her eyes. She can't help but think about Fatou. How does she manage to always be on her mind, it's unrealistic. She thinks about their date at the museum. Their date. She smiles to herself and covers her face with her arm to hide it. She thinks about how she nerded out to her and she just answered with something as nerdy. About how at that moment she kissed. About how well their lips fit together. About how happy she was that day. Maybe Zoe was right maybe she was spiraling.

Her phone rang and snapped her out of her thoughts. She looked at it for the first time since they got back. She gasps

It's Fatou. Of course it's Fatou, she probably thinks she ghosted her again. The moment she picks it up it stops ringing. Kieu my hesitates but puts it back down. She gets a text and as fast as she put it down she picks it back up. It's a text from Fatou. She also notices she's got some texts from her mom and a missed call from Ismail.

'hey, I just saw on your Insta you're doing a 'social media cleanse', sorry for calling you it's probably against that whole thing' -21:37

Right, Kieu my thinks, the social media cleanse.. that was Zoe's idea honestly. Another text.

'you looked really good in those pictures tho, real 'twilight' vibes🧛 -21:38

Kieu my smiles at her phone and starts to write an answer when she remembers that they haven't actually resolved their issue. And yes Fatou apologized but Kieu my expects something better than a text. On another hand she did tell her girlfriend to call her when she calmed down.

'can I call you again' -21:40 'please?' -21:40

Her phone rang again but this time she picked it up and answered. She waits a few seconds.

"hey.." she hears her girlfriend's tired voice from the other end

"hi." She says back, trying to keep her composure even behind the phone.

"how are you? I saw your posts and got worried"

"I'm.. fine, it was all pretty last minute" she answers

"Oh okay, It's good to hear your voice"

There's a silence, it's not awkward, somehow it's sad.

"Fatou?"

"yes"

"are you..." She begins but can't find the strength to finish.

"i'm not" she hears more than sees the sad smile. "I got fired"

"what- Why? When?" Kieu my asks

"Saturday. I messed up a bunch of times. Was late even. I don't know..." Fatou sounds so defeated

"I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know.. it's not your fault"

"Fatou. I just want you to know that I didn't come to your place just for school stuff. I wanted- I want to help you and I just feel so helpless because you can see right through me and I can't seem to understand any of your problems. I'm sorry." Kieu my starts rambling but gets cut off by Fatou laughing dryly.

"Are you serious? I was the asshole and you feel bad. I'm the one that should be sorry and I am. I am sorry. I don't have an excuse I shouldn't have snapped at you like that" Fatou says and Kieu my thinks that they don't have the same definition of snapped.

"Look, I don't like this, you being mad at me and us not talking so if you just give me a chance to really explain myself I would really like it if you would come and meet me when you get back" the skater girl continues

"yeah, I would also like that" she says with a small smile

"oh okay.. great.. well would you be up for a date at a ping-pong table bar then?"

"definitely"

"great, okay then I guess I'll just leave you to your cleansing"

Kieu my laughs

"goodnight Kieu my"

A pause

"goodnight Fatou"

She hangs up.

Kieu my knows that their conversation isn't over but for now she'll take it. For now it's good.

"was that Fatou?" A voice startles her from the doorway. It's Ismail.

"Shit- you scared me." She paused "Yes it was Fatou"

"Great cause I couldn't handle your sad moping face anymore. What'd you guys talk about?" They ask

She ignores his question. "I do not have a moping face." She says with a hurt look across her face. They look at her.

"Was it that obvious?" She asks with a frown

"Yes! Babe come on even Consti could have noticed if he wasn't puking his soul in the bushes" Ismail says dramatically. "Now come on give me the details. I need to know everything that is happening between my bestie and the mother of my tortoise" they sit next to Kieu my.

"you're so dramatic" she laughs. "Relax, we had a... Quarrel on Tuesday and she apologized and asked if we could meet up to talk about it" she tell them

"a quarrel? Okay m'lady... About?"

"some stupid school stuff" she lied.

"well you're a terrible liar because I overheard that entire phone call so what's up inside that little head of yours"

"Ismail, boundaries, please"

"oh please I've seen you at your lowest miss vu. There's literally nothing you can hide from me now."

She hesitates but starts talking anyway. "You know how I told you about me officially 'meeting' her friends last week" they nodded. "Well when she got there she was visibly upset and I didn't know why and then she got a text and got even more upset and now she just told me she got fired." She takes a breath. "And I just feel bad because those are all things I'm supposed to know about my girlfriend you know? Except she doesn't talk to me about that stuff and I don't know how to get her to open up.." she finishes breathless.

"you poor disaster" Ismail smiles and shakes their head. "You ask her" she's about to cut him off but they put their finger in front of her. "You find the right way to ask her. Love language Kieu my... Love language." They stand up and put their hand up like a shakespearean poet and goes on. "Give her time to open up, this is Fatou Jallow we're talking about. And remember communication is key." They finish, winking and walking backwards to the door and closing it behind them.

Kieu my was about to laugh at her friend's theatrics when the door opens up again and Ismail walks back in.

"no, but I just wanted to ask if I could sleep here cause Constantin has taken the whole couch and he smells like a dead body so...?"

The both of them laugh and Ismail slides next to Kieu my in the bed. "I'm gonna take that as a yes" they say.

"sleep well, ice queen" they mumble already falling asleep

"shut up" she smiles.

That night she dreamt about her girlfriend. She remembers all those weeks ago when her friend sleeping next to her asked her how the dreamy skater girl made her feel. At the time she hadn't known how to put her feelings into words. At that time her girlfriend was just a silly crush. Except Kieu my vu never got silly crushes. But she had instantly known Fatou was different. She was different then and she's different now. And with that thought she drifted into a peaceful sleep. Her insecurities forgotten for the night. She should have never worried about any of this in the first place. Soon she's gonna see the girl she loves again and everything will be alr-

*record scratch*

She woke up with a gasp.

"I love her"

She panted

"congrats, you're the last one to know" she heard Ismail mumble in their pillow.

She smiled to herself, feeling dumb for realising this just now. Looking at her phone she saw 5 a.m. deciding she deserved a little bit more sleep she closed her eyes and with a content sigh drifted back to sleep.

"when I get back we'll definitely see each other" she thought

Okay so I'm too lazy to read this and check for any mistakes so if there are any point them out and i'll fix it. Hope you enjoyed and if you took the time to actually read all this thank you I appreciate. Should I make a part 2? Or Fatou's pov maybe?

Update: the response as been amazing. Like I'm actually shocked by how nice some people can be. Thank you so much.

Re-update: I had my exams this week and am really fucking exhausted and i'm just gonna wait and see what happens tonight. If it's a sad clip i'm probably gonna write the version I would've wanted to happen but i guess we'll see. Sorryyy

[jalapeno-princess]

Before You Go

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst

Warning: Mentions about mental illness, depression, anxiety, insecurities

Word Count: 3.5K

Summary: When Got7 has a break during their world tour, Mark rushes back to Korea in order to return home to you. However, when he comes home to an empty apartment, he isn’t too surprised. Although he didn’t know about your condition, you were no longer acting like yourself a couple of weeks before. After reading the letter you left him, he realizes that you were suffering and he never hated himself more for not doing anything about it sooner.

A/N: Hey guys, I got inspired to rush this very sad imagine after listening to the song “Before you go” by Lewis Capaldi and I could not stop listening to it. It’s such a heartbreaking song and I remember seeing a tiktok about Got7 with that song and I actually cried. Hearing that he wrote this song about his aunt who committed suicide made my heart hurt. I’ve suffered from both depression and anxiety for quite some time and at one of the lowest points of my life, I just so happened to stumble across of the 7 most wonderful human beings and my life changed for the better. I’d be lying if I said I don’t have my bad days, but watching their videos or listening to their songs really helps uplift my spirits. I’m so sorry if you have any sort of mental disorder but I hope you know that you are so beautiful and so loved. The pain doesn’t last forever and if you ever need someone to talk to, my messages are always open! And please, don’t make someone the main source of your happiness. It isn’t someone’s responsibility to make you happy. Everyone suffers something we don’t know and the minute that person does something to upset you, it never once leaves your mind and they no longer make you happy. With that being said, read with caution and enjoy.

I fell by the wayside like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself Our every moment, I start to replace 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won'tSo, before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go

Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

He knew it was coming whether he liked it or not. Your smile no longer reached your eyes whenever the two of you would FaceTime, your contagious laughter than he loved so much didn’t sound genuine like it used to, you would always respond with short answers to each and every one of your messages. 

Mark didn’t have to see you in person to know that you weren’t yourself anymore; that you weren’t happy anymore and he hated that he didn’t realize something was wrong until it was too late. When he first walked in to your shared apartment, he didn’t think that anything was out of the ordinary. It was natural for you to not be at home. 

Being a full-time college student with a full-time job took up most of your time and you’ve told him being occupied with all these responsibilities helped take your mind off of his absence. As soon as he walked in to the bedroom, he was quick to notice how empty the room was. Your vanity was cleared of all your makeup and jewelry, the table that your books and laptop occupied was empty and when he went to open your side of the closet, it was empty. 

Mark didn’t know if he wasn’t responding to the fact that you were gone because he was in disbelief, because he thought this was a terrible nightmare that he was soon to wake up from or because he didn’t want to accept the fact that you actually left. It took him a few minutes to recollect his thoughts, but once he accepted that this was actually happening and that you took all of your things and moved out, he found himself sinking to his knees and let out the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching sob. 

Being a KPOP idol wasn’t the most easiest job out there, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t love traveling the world and getting to perform in stadiums and arenas alongside of his six best friends. Other than the rumors made about him, the mistreatment he and the rest of Got7 experienced from their company and the unnecessary hate he’d receive on a daily basis, the only other thing he hated about being an idol was having to go months without being with you; his soulmate, the love of his life, his person. 

If Mark had the choice, he’d take you on tour with him. He was happiest whenever he was with you and each time he had to go on tour or travel around Asia for all the different photo shoots or reality tv shows he’d star in, he couldn’t find it in himself to completely enjoy the opportunity in its entirety. The love Mark had for you was stronger and deeper than anything in the entire world including his career. 

He’d tell you time and time again that he would give up all the fame and success if it meant getting to spend every possible moment with you. You were his safe haven; his home. Every time something went wrong in his life or he felt like things weren’t going his way, he’d always run to you in search of comfort and salvation. Sure, he’d find confidants in his members and some of his family members, but nobody understood him the way you did. 

Nobody knew what to say to make him feel better like you did. Nobody’s embrace and the sound of their heartbeat against his chest made him feel calm and at ease like yours did. It was in that moment of self pity that he realized, he was the reason why you left. When the two of you first met over four years ago, you were suffering from both anxiety and depression at the time. 

There were days where you would get sad and even cry for no reason and sometimes you’d end up hyperventilating or feel like you weren’t able to breathe and not know the reason. From the time you were younger, you had a tendency of shutting people out of your life completely before they even got to really know you. Your parents never understood why you hardly ever had any friends, up until the day they got a call from your 8th grade counselor suggesting that you go see a therapist. 

Although you hardly ever talked to anybody unless you really had to, it was hard not to hear about the countless rumors about you being mysterious and weird on top of receiving the nickname “ghost girl” because it was as if you didn’t even exist. On the fateful day you were introduced to the devastatingly handsome idol, your life changed entirely for the better. 

You were interning at a hospital as a receptionist when he came storming in to the emergency room trying his best alongside of BamBam to help carry Yugyeom inside. It was in that moment that you learned the youngest boy sprained his ankle while practicing some choreography and you were quick to register him in the system and luckily the emergency room wasn’t all too crowded when the three of them arrived. 

Both BamBam and Mark stayed in the waiting room for a couple of hours until BamBam decided to get some food for the two of them. When he left, Mark found himself walking over to you with the intention of getting to know you. He was too busy focusing on trying to get Yugyeom medical attention to really talk to you, but once the nurses took over, he got to admire your beauty and took the chance to see if you were interested in going on a date with him. You were extremely beautiful; there was no doubt about it. 

Mark had a hard time keeping his eyes off of you and snuck some looks here and there to prevent BamBam catching on to his attraction to you, but once the younger boy was gone, he planned on making it aware that he admired how well you worked under pressure and how you did whatever you could to make sure Yugyeom was in the right hands and that he was going to be okay. In the hour that BamBam was away, Mark learned that you were currently in the process of becoming a registered nurse. 

Not only were you going to school full time, but you were also a resident assistant and worked as a receptionist to help pay for medical school. You also got to learn that Mark was a KPOP idol and that he and the rest of Got7 were in your hometown for two weeks for a concert. The two of you immediately hit it off; you fell for his charm, his gentle personality and his gorgeous looks. He fell for your passion, determination, strength and your beauty was just a bonus. In both his free time and yours, you both went on multiple dates. 

Since it was his first time in your hometown, you took him to places that you loved visiting and hoped that he would end up loving each and every location just as much as you did. There were a few kisses shared, whispers of interest and adoration for one another, a couple of hugs and many cuddles. You knew you should’ve told him about your mental state, but you were afraid of scaring him away before you really got to knew him. 

With everyone who tried to befriend you and actually wanted to be apart of your life, you let them know right off the bat that you weren’t normal. You didn’t want to make friends with someone only for them to judge you for your mental disorders but for some reason, Mark was different. He made you laugh and smile so effortlessly. His smile sent your body in flames. For the first time in a very long time, you were genuinely happy. 

A few days before they went to fly to the next country, Mark asked you to be his girlfriend. He told you that he was falling for you faster than he’d like to admit and that he’s never felt this way about anyone before. Deep down, you knew you should’ve said no. He already had so much on his plate; dealing with someone with so much baggage was not what he needed. The last thing Mark needed in his life was to become a babysitter and personal therapist to a grown women suffering from both anxiety and depression. But you couldn’t. 

You were selfish. You wanted Mark just as much as he claimed to have wanted you; which is why you weren’t surprised when you found yourself saying yes while immediately smashing your lips against his. Mark informed you that dating an idol wouldn’t be easy, especially since the two of you would be in a long distance relationship; but he promised you that he would try his best to contact you as much as he could and that the two of you would plan to visit each other when time permitted you to do so. 

Since Mark was the first boyfriend you’ve had, you weren’t used to the idea of a long distance relationship. You didn’t know what to expect. The idea both worried you as much as the thought of dating him excited you. There were millions of girls who adored him and he was surrounded by so many beautiful idols, actresses, models and singers. What if he realized that he could do so much better than you and that you were a mistake; a brief lapse of judgement he made because he was lonely and you were one of the only girls that weren’t throwing themselves at him? 

Your conscience always tried to make you feel bad, no matter how happy you were or how good things were going in your life. Right now, Mark was the only thing keeping you going and you tried your best to push the negative thoughts to the back of your mind, but it was only natural for you to thing negatively. Mark in more or less words was the perfect boyfriend. Even if he was extremely busy, he made it a point to contact you twice a day; once he woke up and right before he went to bed. 

If he had more time, he spent all of it talking to you. As much as you would prefer to see him on a daily basis, you could still feel so much love from him through computer and phone screens. When he didn’t have any schedules or when you went on vacation, you’d fly up to Korea or he’d fly down to spend time with you. The more you got to spend time and physically get to see your boyfriend, everything seemed to be okay. 

You were so focused on being in the moment with Mark that you didn’t have time to be sad. However, when he would leave, or when you’d have to return back home, you could physically feel your chest get heavy. It was your fault; you made him the only reason for your happiness. You and Mark hardly ever got in to arguments but when you did, it got really bad for you mentally. 

Each and every time you’d fight, you would always blame yourself even if it wasn’t even your fault. Mark had a tendency to get jealous and in the first few months of your relationship, you became aware that Mark was extremely protective over you. You didn’t understand where his insecurities came from; if anything you were the one who should be envious and insecure. 

You’d see the way he flirted with other idols every now and then. He was also very flirtatious with his fans and you knew it was all apart of the idol image, but that didn’t make you feel any better. As much as you wanted to voice how you felt, you were afraid that it would spiral in to a conversation you weren’t ready for. You were afraid that he would find out about your illness and look at you in a different light. You were afraid that he would finally come to the realization that he deserved so much better than you. 

You were afraid of losing him. 

Dating Mark had its ups and downs, but you loved him with every fiber of your being. He was your safe haven; your favorite hiding place; an escape from the real world and you knew you’d be okay as long as you had him in your life. Things were going very good for the two of you for the last few years. After graduating from college over two years ago, you applied for a working visa in order to move to Korea and be able to see Mark more often. 

He asked you to move in with him before you could even arrive and you were honestly over the moon. Time and time again, you’d find yourself daydreaming about getting to go to sleep in his arms and waking up next to him. He was the definition of a gentleman and made sure to remind you just how much he loved you and thought the world of you on a daily basis. On multiple occasions, Mark would bring up marriage and how he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you. 

There was nothing more you wanted in this world than to marry Mark; the only person that meant anything to you; the only source of your happiness, but you were afraid that you’d ruin your relationship somewhere down the line like you ruined everything else. During your entire relationship, you did your best in hiding your mental illnesses; you’d suffer alone and cry whenever he wasn’t around. You would go and see a therapist while he was working; you really wanted your relationship with Mark to last and in order to do so, you had to change yourself to be someone Mark would be proud to date. 

Unfortunately, there was nothing that could help you. When Got7 went on tour again, this time it would be for an entire year. You didn’t think you would be able to live without him for an entire year. Sure, he’d have some breaks and return back to Korea every now and then and you could visit whatever country they were in, but it just wasn’t enough. While he was away, the voices only grew louder and so did your insecurities and negative thoughts. 

You’re too fucked up to be loved. 

You’re crazy for thinking a guy like Mark could ever like you. 

He can do so much better than you. 

He’s probably cheating on you. 

You’re only holding him back from so many things. 

If he knew how insane you really were, he’d leave in an instant. 

You tried your best to ignore the voices; tried to pretend as if there was nothing wrong with you. Tried to pretend that you could maybe one day actually become normal and be able to live without a care in the world, but that kind of life could never be yours. Mark was a blessing; an angel on earth; a beautiful distraction and you would be selfish if you allowed to let this relationship continue. 

The thought of no longer having Mark in your life felt like a stab in the chest. A life without Mark was not one worth living, but you couldn’t keep doing this. You were only hurting him the longer you dated him for. While he was gone, you decided you would pack your bags and leave him completely. It took a few weeks to come to that decision, you were so stubborn and you knew you’d regret it one day, but you wanted to leave him before he could leave you. 

Since you were still so in love with him and would probably always be in love with him, you kept in contact with him and did your best to make sure that he didn’t sense that something was wrong. He would call you and tell you all about his day, how much fun the concert was and that he missed you, but he never asked you how you were doing. He always sent you pictures, but he no longer asked for any. You felt as if he was slowly falling out of love with you. He didn’t have to say it and even if he was great with reaching out to you, it felt like you were more like a friend to him rather than his girlfriend. 

When you moved out completely and made your way back home, you cried for what felt like hours. If being away from him was already so upsetting, what more now that you were running away from your relationship; from him? You thought it was what was best for him; but it was slowly killing you. There were so many times where you wanted to tell him the truth. 

For all you knew, he could be extremely understanding and would want to do whatever he could to help you; yet the chance of him laughing in your face were even higher. Mark had problems of his own and was very vocal about anything that was bothering him. Shouldn’t he have felt as if something was wrong since you never complained once about anything? 

You were a licensed nurse, studying to get your bachelor’s degree in a country you weren’t familiar with. You were all alone when Mark was in and out of the country. Wouldn’t he think that there was a chance you were struggling and having a hard time? Even if you didn’t say anything, did he not have the smallest amount of common sense to put two and two together? As the days went by, you no longer felt butterflies swarm in your tummy when you looked at him. 

The thought of him no longer made you smile like an idiot. He wasn’t the same man who told you silly hospital puns to get your attention all those years ago. He no longer made you happy and that’s how you knew it was the end. When the only source of your happiness no longer made you happy, there was no point in staying with him anymore. Mark was in a fetal position, crying on the floor for almost the entire day. 

Where did you go? Why did you leave? You were just talking to him a few days ago, how long were you planning on leaving for? He wanted to call you to get the answers of his many questions. Did you no longer love him? Did you grow tired of the distance? Were you okay? 

When his sobs slowly settled down, he stood up with the tiny amount of energy in his body and went on a search for his phone. He didn’t know what he was going to say to you; but he just needed to hear your voice. He wanted you to tell him something happened with your family and you had to go be with them but that you’d come back later. In that moment of self pity, your last phone call came back like a slap in the face. At the time, Mark didn’t think your words meant anything but now that you were gone, they made so much sense and he hated it. Hated himself. 

“You know if one day, we’re no longer together, I want you to know that I will always love and support you. You will always be my person Mark, even if you find someone else and I’m no longer yours.” 

Why didn’t he realize the distance earlier? There was obviously something different about the way you would talk and the tone of your voice. It no longer had that sweet, bubbly intonation it used to have. You also never contacted him as much as you used to. Whenever he told you he loved you and he missed you, he felt as if you said it just to say it. Before he could continue searching for his phone, it was then that he saw the tiny little post-it note on his pillow and once he finished reading it, he released an ear piercing scream of frustration.

“Dear Mark,

I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore. I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a long time. I don’t thing I ever was genuinely happy once in my life until I met you and honestly the only moments I experienced happiness were when I was with you. Unfortunately, nothing made me happy anymore; including you. I felt as if I was preventing you from reaching your fullest potential. I wish you nothing but health and success. I’m going to miss you so much Mark. Thank you for showing me so much love and happiness for the time being. You’re an amazing person Mark and I meant what I said when I told you I’d love you forever. Please don’t come looking for me. It’s for the best.

Sincerely, y/n.”

Would we be better off by now If I'd have let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know You know, you know

Before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

[bodyswapmischief]

Thankful for my Brother

There the textwas sent. I thought to myself. Well there is nothing I could do know.

A hour passed, and I thought I was in the clear. Maybe my brother didn't care after all. But it was to good to be true. My phone started ringing.

"What the fuck, bro! You can't just text and say your not coming to Thanksgiving!" He yelled

"Well I thought it wouldn't be a big deal." I responded.

"Of course it's a big deal! Is something wrong? I could tell you've been pulling away lately." His voice changed from anger to concern.

"No, I'm good. It just now that I'm in New York and your all the way in California, it's hard keep in touch." My voice fails to hide my depression.

"Come on dude. That maybe part of it but, I know more is going on. I know when your lying. For christ sakes, I had to act like brother, mother and father to you. You know we can be honest with each other. We are all each other gots."

He was right about that. I was 12 when my parents died. And, he was 18. He was already to graduate high school and begin his college life. But that all stopped.

Being only children, my parents had no family left. So, everything they had was left to us. And, it was a pretty good amount of money. However since we were both under 20 most of the money would be locked under a trust fund. Then their was the case of my custody. I remember the exact phrasing, as the lawyer read the will.

"And, if we should die before Alex turns 18. We ask that our oldest son Jason becomes his legal guardian. But, it must be his choice to want to go through with this." My heart stopped. What was going to happen. But, before I could think about anything he started talking.

"Of course I'm going to keep my brother. He's not going anywhere." He stated strongly but with tears running down his face. He put is arms around me and pushed me close to him. "We are all we got, now."

I was happy. I was glad he liked me enough to keep him. After all the annoying things I did and the fights we had, he cared about me. But, at the same time I wanted to tell him no, don't do it. But, I couldn't. I didn't want to lose him. Maybe I was being selfish. But even at that young age, I knew how much he was giving up.

Instead of going to college he got a job. We, also, moved in to a small apartment after selling most of our parents things, because we could no longer afford living in our old house. Part of the will was he had to take financial responsibility class. So, that help.

And, he was able to help me. He helped me get through puberty, he taught me how to shave, he taught me how to talk to girls, he helped me with my homework, he made sure I always ate, and so many other things a brother, mom and dad would do.

By the time I was 18, I wanted to get a job to start helping my brother. But, he pushed me to go to college. He wanted my life to be all it could be. In a loving way, he wanted my life to make up for his. Luckily, we now had the money from the trust fund so, my college was paid for. I spent four years at a local university, majoring computer engineering.

My brother also got a break. At this point, most off his friends were finished with college. And, some of them were starting there own businesses. So, one of his good friends, offered him a better job. During this time he even met the love of his life. Over the course of a few years, they started having kids. And, I started feeling like a burden on their life. My brother's wife, came from a big family. And, they would always come around. They quickly accepted my brother, as their new son. And ,yes, they were kind to me. But, I felt like a third wheel. So, after college I knew I had to leave. It took a few years longer than I wanted, but I got a good job offer from a tech company in New York.

Being away from him, I realize why I left. I was jealous of the happiness my brother had. I wanted the love he had. I guess the death of my parents have affected me more than I thought. Unlike, my brother, I had relationships and commitment issues. Over my college life, I was becoming a bit of a play boy. And, it didn't help that I was Bi because it meant I had more options to mess around with. Now that I'm in New York with a good paying job, most of night end with going to clubs with my friends I've made, get drunk, and find a one night stand.

"Come on say something." My brother voice cut through my thoughts.

"Oh sorry ... it's just I don't want to be a burden. I don't want you tell feel like you need to have me there just because I'm your brother. I mean you got a new family now, you don't need me around anymore." I say.

"See, I new something was wrong. You sound depressed as fuck. Don’t do anything stupid. I’m going to take the next flight to go see you?”

“No, don’t. I’m not suicidal. Plus, your going miss thanksgiving with your family.”

“Fuck it, they’ll understand. I mean the holidays are a rough time for us. Especially since it’s around the time mom and dad died. And, this is the first time your all alone for it. It’s natural to be sad, heck I’m still sad, even though I got my wife and kids. Are you sure you don’t want me to fly over? I think it would help you feel better.”

“No, you don’t have to take care of me. I’‘m 26 for fuck sakes! I appreciate everything you had too sacrifice for me. and, I still love you. But, you don’t gotta fucking babysit me anymore. With this time apart, I just got  to find out some things for myself.” I said aggressively.

“Okay ... okay,  I understand ... I understand.” my brother says, trying to calm me down..

Tears in my eyes and I feel guilty. “Sorry ...sorry ...sorry. I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t mean to yell at you. Just recently I’ve been discovering how broken I am. I’ve actually started seeing a therapist gain. Turns out I have a lot of guilt from forcing you  to take care of me and ruining your life. And at the same time, I’m jealous of you, your life, and your ability to love.”

“Hey! You didn’t force me to do shit!. What kind of person would I have been if I sent you away. I did it cause I wanted too do it.” He responded with a stern loving tone. “And you didn’t ruin my life. I got a good job now. I got  a  wife. I got kids. I’m happy. You shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.” He said with amusement. “But, I’m not going to lie. I was jealous of you. I mean you got to live the life, I wanted. But, I understand ... there are just somethings you got to do, for yourself.” 

“Thanks for understanding. I’ll probably just hangout with some other friends, who won’t go back home for the holidays. But, I’ll definitely be there for Christmas. And, I’ll find a way to make it back up to you, for not coming to Thanksgiving.” I reply.

“Actually ... I was never going to use  it. But, after hearing how you feel, I think I know how you can make it up to  me.” He  says.

“How?” I asked.

“Let’s swap lives.” 

“What”

“Let’s  swap lives. I’ll be  in your body and you be in mine.”

“Yeah  ... I heard you the  first time ... are you okay?”

“oh ... yeah ... I know it sounds crazy but, my friends company has been working on a device to swap bodies. It’s in beta so ... so far the swap is permanent. And, we just said we always have been jealous of each other. So, now we can be each other”

“But, what about your life. I don’t know about your family dynamic. no, offense but I’m not sexually attractive to your wife. I wouldn’t make a good father. You don’t know anything about my job. If you could swap our bodies we would just mess up each other lives. And  wouldn’t you miss your wife and kids.”

“Yes I love them. But, if we swap none of that would matter. I could set it up so we have all the information we need to get through our new lives. My love for my wife and kids would  be transferred to you. All our skills will be swapped. So, you will be a good father and husband. It won’t be like I’m leaving them, because now I’m leaving them  in your hands.”

I was so confused. Did my brother snap. Is he crazy. But, experiencing my brothers happiness would be my dream come true. “Okay,  but how does it ...” And, Suddenly the phone  hanged up.  My vision became blurry. The world around me spun. And, then my vision went black.  I woke up filling heavy. I was no longer  om my couch. My suit was gone. Instead, I was in a truck. I was wearing a very dad type outfit, with a baseball cap on my head. A phone was in my hand so,  I unlocked it using my finger print. I turned on the camera. My brother’s breaded face was looking back at me. I could feel his bigger muscular body underneath the layer of  clothes he had  on.

I got a text from my phone. Thank you little bro ... or should I say big brow now lol. Hope you enjoy your new life. See you  at  Christmas. New memories flood my mind. Happy, sad, angry, scared memories . My body start seizing up. Finally, it stopped, In mere seconds, I experienced my brother’s entire life. But, I still knew I used to be my little brother. It’s an odd feeling.  But, I look at my front door. And  happiness fills my mind for the first time in a long time. I can’t wait to see my beautiful wife and kids.

A few day pass, and I hope my little  brother is enjoying his new  life. I’m sitting at the table enjoying all the food and my family. My kids are are being silly. My father-in-law is watching football. My wife’s sisters and brothers all around the table talking. my mother-in-law making sure people eat more. Being surrounded by all this love is all  I ever wanted.

Then, I get a  text. My brother sent me a picture. I see him on the far right. He actually looks happy.  his text reads, “Damn bro. It rules not being tied down. Last night, I had my first threesome with some girls. Now, I’m going have my first gay threesome, with these hot ass guys, tonight. Thanks for the swap and I hope you found everything you were looking for in your new life. I sure have. See you at Christmas, will catch up.” 

I’m glad he is happy. I’m just thankful we both are truly happy.

[deadrcbins]

Oneshot Requests! (Bonus: Jeffmads headcanons!)

Yeah, I’m pretty imitable and unoriginal. Sorry, Aaron. Anyway, like a majority of the fandom, I’m making Hamilton one shots! I take requests, I’m great with any angst, no smut, and I’m great with fluff, as well! 

(The cover is John Laurens approved, even though he preferred birds to turtles, the background looked nice.)

SO, onto ships!

I do:

~Jeffmads, since that’s my OTP

~Lams, since it’s also OTP

~Mullette, because it’s OTP in the fandom and in my heart

And literally ANY other ship in the fandom. ANY. If I name them all, I can go on for days!

The exceptions are incest between the Schuylers, and Washette/Whamilton unless there’s no age gap. 

Anyway, thank you so much for reading!

PLEASE NOTE THAT I’LL DO HEADCANONS BEFORE I DO MY ONESHOTS! THANKS!

~

Jeffmads Headcanons:

Let’s start with Madison:

How do they react to a breakup?

James will usually cry a lot and shut himself inside the house for a bit until Thomas comes over and forces him into a Disney movie marathon, complete with ice cream, pillow forts, and a lot of blankets. Of course, this was before Thomas and James professed their undying love for each other. He also becomes very moody and becomes the ULTIMATE emo kid, often dressed in dark and everything. He’ll also contemplate what he did wrong in the relationship and wallow in his self-pity for a bit. This span stretches out for two weeks before he’s back to normal, and so far, he’s only had two breakup episodes.

What would they do if they caught their soulmate cheating?

James’ entire world would crash down. Everything falls out of orbit, and it’d be exactly his worst fear. Thomas is a real good-looking guy...why would he even want to be with James when there are so many other people much more impressive than James? He’d definitely fall into depression. It’d be horrifying for him. Life’s colorful palette would surely turn monotonous. 

Would they leave in the middle of an argument?

No, never. Thomas and James have an envious relationship with each other, and it never becomes that extreme. They’ll talk it out and compromise when it gets to this point. This is quite seldom, though, and over odd issues. 

“Tommy! You’ve burned my favorite pan! Now my omelette won’t taste as good!”

“Buy a new one, then, Jemmy! That YouTube video was so hard to follow!”

Would they make up after a huge argument?

Most definitely. They’re a power couple, a force to be reckoned with!

If James would break up with Thomas, for what reason would it be?

Thomas is too easily jealous of anyone even looking at James the wrong way. He’s a bit clingy, as well. Also, Thomas ends up in a lot of fights with Hamilton, and James gets worried for Thomas’ safety. Gremlin though he may be, he also went to summer military academy, so Hamilton is stronger than he lets on. Thomas has height and build, but can’t channel much of it.

Moving on their S/O?

Jemmy would be horribly depressed, but life has a way of moving on whether you wish to or not. He’ll most likely never find passionate love again, and Thomas remains etched into his memory for life.

Emotions while arguing?

Mostly irritation and annoyance, and afterward, regret and sadness.

How do they and their S/O deal with loss?

It was Thomas who experienced loss, between losing his father at fourteen, and Martha Wayles, his high school sweetheart. James comforted him both times. Madison lost his grandmother to cancer a few years back, and he immediately fell into a grievance for months. His grandmother was his only confidant after Thomas left for Paris, and it disheartened him greatly. He’d never felt so alone in the world, and on top of that, while Thomas was gone, James’ parents pressured him in the first place to go to that highly competitive boarding school for the gifted and talented. He developed his anxiety and anxious introvertedness (Is that a word?) that would plague him for quite a while after. He fears not being good enough, and he constantly feels incompetent and unimportant, despite Thomas’ protests. He kept a secret from Thomas. He tried to take his own life. He stopped hurting himself after Thomas and James got together. 

Biggest regret? 

James’ biggest regret was not being able to maintain the best relationship with his grandmother, who was the one pillar in his life, as he lived with her for two years while James’ parents sent him off to school two hours from there, in the same town Gramma lived. 

Thomas’ Headcanons:

How do they react to a breakup?

Thomas has only been in two relationships before James. Before he met Martha, there was this girl named Sally who dumped Thomas for someone named William Clark. He was depressed, quiet, reserved, and sad for a week with Sally gone, and he was horribly self conscious about his tics, he was fidgety, too. It was horribly out of character, and even Hamilton bought Jefferson a cupcake. He compared himself to everyone else for ages after that. Luckily James was great at comforting, and he was so kind to Thomas afterwards. James made Thomas Mac ‘N’ Cheese and they both pranked Hamilton secretly just for fun, He bottles his emotions until the last day of his phase, then cracks. The next day, he’s back to normal.

Would they ever leave in the middle of an argument?

Again, no, never. Thomas might get stressed out trying to compete with Hamilton at work and work itself, and/or might have had a bad day occasionally, so he’ll be extra moody those days. James knows that he’s anxious about something, so he tries to give Thomas space those days, often reading or watching TV or doing something quietly until he cools off.

Would they make up after an argument?

Most definitely. Thomas is a little puppy. He’ll always come back, loyal and a tad clingy. They enjoy talking out their issues and compromise. 

If Thomas were to break up with James, for what reason would it be?

Thomas loves James and you cannot convince anyone otherwise. Cons

Moving on from their S/O?

Thomas actually had to do this with Martha. In the beginning, it was difficult, and he fell down a vortex of emotions, feelings he wasn’t used to feeling, and like with Sally, Hamilton tried his hardest to console Thomas so that they could fight again. Thomas hates being alone, and losing James as well...it’s unimaginable.

Emotions while arguing:

First, it’s annoyance and irritation, then guilt and sadness. 

How do they and their S/O deal with loss?

It was Thomas who experienced loss, between losing his father at fourteen, and Martha Wayles, his high school sweetheart. James comforted him both times. He likes to keep it private, you won’t even know he cried. Mostly his way of accepting is helping and comforting other people, and shuts his emotions and mourns privately.

What is their biggest regret?

Not getting to say goodbye to his father and Martha, who both died in car crashes. Martha died, she was going with her friend Merida, who survived, on their way to A La Mode, and Peter, Randolph, and Thomas were involved in a car crash the year before, after coming back from a guys’ day out fishing trip. He feels he distracted the drivers both times and deaths were his fault, though it wasn’t. Thomas rode shotgun, giving him his cane, and Randolph had his spleen removed. Elizabeth, their sister who had autism and brain trouble, went crazy after hearing of the crash and refused to sit in a car. They give her Benadryl or sleep medicine. now for necessary trips. A secret Thomas kept from James was that he failed a suicide attempt, but doesn’t self-harm anymore after James and himself got together. Little did he know, while he was in France...James, ever depressed, tried the same thing.    

[kessem-the-mage]

Could I possibly be transgender?

Could I possibly be transgender?

For context, I am AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth). I am currently trying to find out whether I am a boy

Heyo, it's me again. I came over here about a month ago (?) to talk about the possibility of me being transgender. Some things have changed and I have learned new things, and I have "come out" to my family as possibly being transgender.

First, here are my symptoms:

Gender Euphoria - I feel happy when referred to as 'he' or called by a specific masculine name (I've tried David: it makes me immensely happy :) )

Discomfort with assigned genitalia and the female aspects of my body. This includes but is not limited to my breasts, sexual organs, wrists, hips, eyelashes, face shape, thighs.

Discomfort when referred to as female, or as my birthname. I used to be OK with being called she/her and with my birthname, but now two years after puberty and almost a year after I started questioning is when it started. Although, in my earlier years (elementary school) I did refer to myself as a boy in my head sometimes, because I thought it was fun. I also detested feminine things, and I tried to portray myself as masculine as possible at all times.

Discomfort in how I see myself internally. It's confusing, and scary. I'm not sure if I'm actually a male inside or if it is just a symptom of my depression (I have been formally diagnosed) or some sort of body dysmorphia thing. I don't see myself as a girl, I don't think.

I want to have male anatomy. All of it. Penis, flat chest, deep voice, Adams apple, everything! My parents have told me that I think this way because I think having a period is too hard or what I have to do 'as a girl' is too uncomfortable, but thats not exactly the reasons I want to be a boy. My parents tried to deter me from wanting to be a boy by saying that 'boys deal with uncomfortable stuff too!' and I KNOW that! But I don't care. I just... need a male body.

OK, those are the brunt of my symptoms. Now on to the caveats of this dilemma:

My mom pointed out the possibility of 'penis envy' to my. She said that lots of girls my age feel envious of males having a penis when they do not have one. Could I be experiencing penis envy, or is it something more serious?

I am young. Thirteen. I know for a fact that practically nobody knows or even questions if they're trans when they're in the seventh-eighth grade, so are my feelings still valid? My mom also pointed out that the human brain isn't full developed until you are twenty six, and that I cannot make a valid decision until then. I feel like that is maybe pushing it too far, but is she right? Could all of this just be me being a dumb, angsty teenager? That's what she thinks, at least.

I feel like I am faking my symptoms. The more I learned about how a trans person's dysphoria feels like, the more I start to feel that way, too. Could this be me making it up or is this normal? I am really not sure...

I am seeing a counselour right now, but we aren't talking about these things. I feel so awful keeping all of these feelings pent up but whenever I try to talk about them my counselour just steers the conversation in a different direction entirely. The only time I have truly talked about my symptoms was with my mom, and that is when she brought up the penis envy and age stuff.

I've been so confused lately, and I just don't know what to do. If any of you can help me sort this all out, it would be greatly appreciated.... thank you so much.

(side thing here that goes with my symptoms; in band we (the girls) had to try on dresses. Everyone was happy and smiling and stuff, excited about the dresses, but I was about to have a dead on panic attack. When I put on the dress, I felt disgusting and wrong. I couldn't stand to look at myself because now, more than ever, I didn't look like me. I cried a lot. Luckily, the tailor was a very nice woman, and actually the mother of a nonbinary pal that I have! She was very nice about it, and told me to ask my parents if I could wear a suit for concerts instead. Of course, my parents won't ever let me do that, but I appreciate the sentiment. Thank you, Mrs. S!)

[ashleyspinelliburnbook]

S1E6: My Fair Gretchen/Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

Me, literally one recap ago: “When are we gonna get a good Gretchen episode?”

Me, today, looking at the title of the next episode and refusing to be embarrassed: “WELL, FINALLY”

My Fair Gretchen

The most pressing revelation here is that “Recess” apparently takes place in Arkansas, as the episode begins with Miss Finster handing out the Arkansas Standard Achievement Test.

Beyond that, this is a lovely ~ironic subversion~ of the “My Fair Lady” trope. Let me explain: “My Fair Lady” is all about turning Eliza Doolittle into a more acceptable member of high society, right? Turning her from Cockney to, well, refined?

Here, we’ve got Gretchen, who’s by no means a member of high society, but the goal isn’t to get her there either. See, Gretchen is smart — very smart — to the point that she gets a perfect score on the ASAT. She’s called into Principal Prickly’s office, where she learns that she has the opportunity to go to Oppenheimer Elementary for the Incredibly, Extremely Gifted. (Of course, Prickly has a vested interest in this too. If two more of his kids go there, he gets that job at Spiro Agnew Middle School!)

But...Gretchen doesn’t really want to go to Oppenheimer. Her mom is excited to hear the news, but it just makes Gretchen sad. And when she tells her friends she’s on the fence about what she’s learned, they decide to take action.

After Gretchen takes one last walk around the school, saying goodbye to the swingset, the graffiti, and the rancid fish sticks in the dumpster, she gets home to find...the gang! And they’ve got a plan to de-smart her so that when she goes in front of the Oppenheimer review board the next day, they’ll have no choice but to turn her down.

“I’ve been trying to dumb myself down ever since kindergarten,” Gretchen says, to which TJ replies, “This time, you’ve got experts on your side.”

“Yo, Prickly,” New Gretchen says as she walks into the gym for her review. After a whirlwind day of trying new looks (courtesy of the Diggers, the Ashleys, the kindergarteners), she shows up in, um, I’m not a fashion person but she’s coming off as very...not this decade? Wow, helpful.

So yeah, instead of going for “refined,” we get, well, the opposite of that. But here, it’s also the socially acceptable landing point. Instead of being a super-genius who aces standardized tests, Gretchen is now...just like any other kid.

The board, pictured above, asks Gretchen a handful of trivia questions, and she gets them all spectacularly wrong (“Who was the 14th president of the United States?” “Dennis Rodman?”). From outside, the gang celebrates her achievement...until the plan backfires.

A humiliated Principal Prickly accuses Gretchen of cheating on the exam, and Gretchen can’t help but recite all of the correct answers to their questions, in order, with perfect accuracy. Albert Einstein (you see him, come on) asks why she was hiding her intelligence, and she explains she doesn’t want to go to the new school. The board banishes Prickly to the hallway, where he and the gang await Gretchen’s fate.

When they emerge, Einstein explains that Gretchen convinced the board that there's more to education than book-learnin’ (which sort of reminds me of “Bart the Genius,” where Bart initially tries to convince the gifted school he has cheated his way into to let him go back to his old school undercover, “to see what makes ‘em tick”).

The board suggests the school instead implement a tutorial program, and the episode ends with Gretchen teaching...a room full of teachers. As it should be.

Takeaway: Every time I see an episode about a gifted kid/genius kid, I think about all the memes that go, like, “if you were ever a ‘gifted kid’ in school, you’re depressed now,” and...yeah. Imagine having all this pressure to succeed in fourth grade, you know?

Speedy, We Hardly Knew Ye

(Today in “trying something new on the blog,” I want to share something I wrote a few years ago that pretty much says what I would have written here anyway. The episode is about the class hamster, Speedy, dying, and how the kids react to it.)

In middle school, I had two opportunities to take part in Challenge Day, a day-long anti-bullying program meant to bring to the forefront all the deeply personal things that participants have in common, all while celebrating their diversity and inspiring them to dismantle the structure that causes these differences to drive them apart.

Being middle schoolers — 11-, 12-, and 13-year-olds in the thick of maintaining childhood friendships, facing new encounters, and experiencing puberty — there was a wide range of expectations for the event and the reactions throughout it. Many students saw the day solely as an opportunity to be able to skip school, while several of us read the material given to us with our permission slips and at least vaguely understood that our emotions — and our beliefs — would be tested.

The first time I did Challenge Day was in sixth grade, and at first, my primary concern was that my best friend and had been separated, relegated to participating on different days. But when the 100 or so of us entered the gym, whose windows had been blacked out to avoid any interruptions from the other 300 students on campus, the specially-trained Challenge Day leaders made every opportunity to pull us out of our comfort zones right away. Suddenly, we were sprinting within a massive circle of chairs, instructed to find a new seat, and found ourselves sitting between two people we’d never met to whom we would then have to introduce ourselves.

Eventually, we split into small groups of 6 or 7 — similarly randomly assigned, paired with a parent volunteer — and talked more candidly about our worries, how we truly felt going to school every day, and even our personal tragedies. The point here was to prove that we were able to open up to a group of strangers following all of the icebreaker activities we’d completed. And, from what my friend had told me after completing her Challenge Day the previous day, this portion of the day was where everyone started crying. While a good number of the students who were just happy to have the day off from school didn’t take this part seriously, I really wanted to – and luckily, both times, my group was just as keen.

I don’t much remember what I shared at that first Challenge Day, but in eighth grade I was dealing with both that friend’s sudden move to a school two hours away and the death of my hamster, my first real pet, and I felt I had a lot to talk about. The students in my group were very receptive to what I had to say, and one even took me aside after we moved on from the small group activities and complimented my candidness, saying I was very brave to cry for my friend and my pet.

Unfortunately, the parent volunteer in our group was less sympathetic. On the Challenge Day website, it states that volunteers receive a quick overview of the day before students arrive, and that’s it. Sadly, you can’t teach sympathy in half an hour. When I almost immediately starting sobbing about my troubles and was met with kindness by my fellow middle school-aged group members, this woman promptly interrupted me.

“Are you sure you’re not just getting caught up in the emotions, sweetheart?” she asked, her attempted pleasantness pierced by skepticism. “At your age, you’re too old to be crying about hamsters and one lost friend. There are more hamsters, and there are more friends.”

What could I do? I was a shy, insecure 13-year-old who was clearly overwhelmed by my own hardships — albeit comparatively minute to what some members of the group had shared — and all this woman could do was point out my perceived weaknesses and trivialize feelings I thought were legitimate and sincere. So I gave in. I nodded.

“Mm-hmm,” she confirmed, her face lit up in victory. “You need to learn to be stronger. That’s what today is all about. Let’s move on to someone else.”

Of course, because of the quiet, non-confrontational person I was — and still, only 13, barely beginning to emotionally mature — I let her words sink in. I entirely believed that what I had shared was completely out of line, and rebuked myself for crying at all. Since early childhood, I was the type of person who cried whenever I felt worried or insecure, and this woman, in just a few sentences, had made me so worried and so insecure that I didn’t want to cry anymore.

For me, Challenge Day in sixth grade was exciting. Because my school had only opened that year, even the seventh- and eighth-graders who transferred from the middle school across town were open to making new friends, and it was a wholly positive experience. But after Challenge Day in eighth grade, I wondered if I’d become too comfortable being openly emotional two years before. And, not to place the entirety of the blame on this one woman’s speech, since I clearly had many reasons to feel down, eighth grade was when I first recognized that I might be depressed. Even still, I don’t think I should have had to say, “Look, lady, I appreciate your fake concern, but I’m clinically depressed” to avoid any further insult.

I know so many people whose feelings were invalidated as kids simply because, as kids, many of them just hadn’t been alive long enough to experience the type of pain that adults have. (And even if they have, the emotional differences inherent in both parties for the exact same tragedy or other life change can be profound.) When adults don’t understand that comparing the plights of a single 13-year-old to their own — or anyone’s — is completely unfair, their words and actions can quickly devolve into invalidation and, sometimes, abuse.

During that second Challenge Day, the main message conveyed by the leaders was beyond my attention. I thought I’d come away with the advice to not cry unless it was about something really important, and to “be stronger” — which was completely abstract to me at the time. (It still is, honestly. Is there a checklist I have to fill out to determine if I’m “strong” enough to…what? Be a living, appropriately emotional person? I mean, evidently not.)

I don’t want adults to be rude to kids who are expressing emotions of any kind, even if it’s about something they don’t think is worth expending energy to worry about. Children and teenagers have vastly different capacities to internalize the world around them compared to adults, and that doesn’t make their reactions to hardships wrong or invalid. We should all know this, having been kids ourselves, but obviously we don’t.

When adults can’t understand a world in which a hamster’s death is, for one day, the most important thing, perhaps the sole hardship on a child’s mind, then we don’t deserve their innocent happiness at learning on their own that there are, in fact, more hamsters.

If we can’t handle children’s emotions at their worst — the worst “worst” they’ve ever experienced — to what fate are we dooming them when the things they don’t talk about, their depression and abuse and appropriately hard hardships that are allowed to challenge their strength, get bad enough for us to care?

Takeaway: Let kids feel their feelings when they’re kids so they have a healthy relationship with their emotions as adults. (Please.)

[sunnysynthsunshine]

Negative memories

 “ As someone with Aspergers (now known as ASD) who has other issues with mental health, it’s hell. (note: I am not diagnosed with any other mental condition other than Aspergers but I have experienced the following) (Depressive thoughts, Anxiety (the emotion not the mental illness), panic attacks, strange mood swings, talking to myself, delusions, overthinking, various flashbacks of past negative events, feeling dazed and getting choking type feelings sometimes) 

(I haven’t seen a therapist before outside of unhelpful school counselors) .

if I’m having a panic attack I can’t tell the difference between if it’s a panic, anxiety or a “Meltdown”/”wobble”.

It’s just ever since I found out in my secondary school years about my ASD  I’ve never looked at myself the same way again.

when I was little I tried to interact with neurotypical children and I tried to follow the crowd with each popular trend mainly early 2000s celebrity trends.

I did see the school counselor a few times for “bullying” incidents but they weren’t helpful and I was a brat who couldn’t take criticism ’so while some of the bullying was real some of what young me would’ve called bullying wasn’t bullying at all.

as Year  11/12 approached I became more pessimistic, quiet and cynical than the chipper annoyance I used to be  I used to “entertain” for people I’d sing Disney songs in the playground and eventually anime songs when I got in my weeaboo phase. however when your audience is a bunch of years 8′s/year 9′s etc. they get demanding I felt like a real-life school celebrity or kids show presenter I liked entertaining them but soon they’d follow me almost EVERYWHERE.

like I’d be at the crowded canteen waiting to get food and there some boy would be with his mate asking for a song or “to be my friend” (which was fake because they would say be my friend as a joke) I would decline the offer and then months upon months would follow of me being chased around the playground by kids younger than me yet one of my first career goals was to be like the celebrities I saw on tv.

I had nobody to go to the school itself was already riddled with bullying incidents, two tragedies, homophobia, and other issues.

because of this and the recently learned diagnosis of Aspergers that I’ve had since I was a toddler I was unhealthy, I had asthma sometimes, certain classes and classmates, I dreaded going to,I’d skip lunch on a regular basis to avoid crowds, food and times where those kids would sit at the table I’d plan to sit at just to annoy me.

Anime and the Internet was my escapism but then I became an annoying weeaboo who was also a bit classist after messing on online quiz’s and finding the term “chav” I’d use to insult anyone online or offline whom I hated. (eventually stopped that though thankfully)

The Internet was my haven but it was also a prison. I’d talk to anyone regardless of if they were a fascist troll meme poster or not and that resulted in toxic friend circles, I got into polyamory dating anime roleplayers on Google+ that also ended badly with me at times not being able to tell the difference between reality and fiction, I didn’t have access to “real life” boyfriends so my “online reverse harem” was my only source of romance.

I also was still discovering my sexuality and religion choices at that time. I still remember having rumors spread about me almost every day, religion was something that often changed for me despite being Christian I was an atheist for a short while before I discovered Satanism/Luciferianism which in my opinion was cool but when I told one of my friends at the time about it the popular girls had overheard and soon for months I could not go to class or the playground without people saying “Kelsey do you believe in satan/do you worship the devil, do you like Lucifer” another similar recurring incident involved the two anime terms “Hentai” and “Yaoi” I only knew the name of the first term I didn’t watch any of it but yaoi, on the other hand, I read a lot of  but these are secondary school students who barely know what anime is and when they hear it in an IT room this gets embarrassing “did you hear Kelsey likes Japanese gay porn” Ugh.

and when stupid me decided to tell some people about how I was “pansexual” (the identity I had called myself then) they fetishized it they asked stupid questions out of nowhere like “do you think we’re hot, sexy,etc.” or “do you think (insert male classmate) is hot”  and it was horrible

my friendship circle at the time often changed sometimes I’d have a couple of friends other times I was completely alone and sometimes a few of those ex-friends would have drama which I, unfortunately, got involved in.

and because of all of this, I’d often lash out or make small problems or disagreements I had with my parents worse than they really were and I’d, unfortunately, post those vents on my old Google+ which I  regret.

I had dark thoughts not just thoughts about death but the thoughts JD from Heathers would have due to life and due to a mix of loneliness and feeling manipulated by a very toxic ex-friend of mine who almost destroyed me emotionally (basically, almost columbine type thoughts but I never acted on them).

Eventually, I moved on,I did a Performing Arts course and I thought that would be a sign of life getting better. half of it was good the other not so much.

I was still struggling to recover from what the former ex-friend had done to me, sure there were more positive memories there than there was in secondary school but I had a habit of being a bit of a “Debby Downer” I’d bring up the past too much, sometimes I’d assume too many things were about me even if they weren’t and because of me being someone who would blindly follow I got manipulated again I had become toxic, politically I was an annoying centrist 

it didn’t help that one of my hobbies “dancing” was made to be a less fun activity by a discouraging dance instructor who would put me down..a lot.

luckily at the start of this year, I started realizing what was wrong, the person who manipulated me stopped appearing in class so that gave me more time to think about how I act towards others and how I shouldn’t blindly follow, I constructed some vents into poetry and tried to work on “recovery”.

Mentally things were improving a bit, I eventually managed to work on a production of West Side Story which will remain in my positive memories for years,I got more active on social media that wasn’t Google+ like Tumblr and Twitter which allowed me to get to know some new mutuals I had met, I still sometimes visit Google+ but only for the memes, aesthetics, and mutuals who I can only contact there.

Now I’m doing a new course (Creative Media) with some new people and reuniting with some old faces from before. and my health is quite better compared to then but I still get those times where I’m depressive when I get panic attacks when I get delusions or get negative flashbacks etc.

I wasted years of my life because of that...because of Aspergers because of how I used to act like, because of how I blindly followed people, who were clearly bad influences, because of the bullying because of my bad choices everything.

I wasted so much energy but now..I’m 17 I’ll be an adult next year and Asperger's wise I’m miles more independent than before, politically anarchist and I want to let every one of you know.

it’s ok 

mental health is still a widely misunderstood topic most people deal with 

you are not alone

we are here for you 

[hitaka5ever]

Life Updates

Not that anyone probably cares, but I wanted to let y'all know about recent things going on in my life and the steps I'm taking for the near future. Everything's under a Read More

In early June, our attic heating unit started leaking perspiration, so we had to have it shut off until it could be fixed. We got quotes from 2 companies and went with our neighbor, who was the cheapest (to replace the entire AC unit, it would cost us ~$4000 from our neighbor and $8000 for the other guy) Luckily we just needed the upstairs unit replaced for now, so we're expected to pay ~$2000 once our neighbor bills us

Yesterday, July 1st, we got our AC back after enduring the heatwave in Oregon for 2 weeks, so we're no longer suffering from this godawful summer

Then over the weekend, mum and I house and dog sat for my aunt and uncle, who were going to a wedding in Texas (everyone was fully vaccinated) so mum and I got to enjoy the AC and fans at that house

On Monday, I had a doctor's appointment with my new doctor. We discussed my current health problems and, short version is, I'm taking Omeprazole for 3 months straight for my heart burn, still taking Sertraline, but might change, for my depression, and I now take Buspirone for my anxiety, which has gotten a lot worse in the last 2 months (I think its due to financial stress)

My next appointment is the 2nd Monday of this month, where I'll be telling my doctor how the anti-anxiety meds are doing. I will also be getting tests done to find out if I might have inherited my mum's back Scoliosis since I get severe lower back pain from standing straight (its most noticeable when I'm doing the dishes) My mum and I have very similar body types and we have the same curvature in our backs that forms a "dip" (people without the dip can press their entire length of their back against a wall, mum's and mine can't) so I'm probably going to get Scoliosis like her, but we'll see

Starting this coming Tuesday, I will be telecommunicating with my new therapist in order to discuss my issues with being in social situations, which has caused a lack of being a proper adult in many ways (I'm reclusive and the idea of going out to get a job in retail or something similar terrifies me bc I've never been very good with humans in general) I want to change my life for the better, and I need therapy to help me figure out my exact issues and what I can do to fix them

I still haven't sent my paperwork for my legal name and gender change still bc mum and I need to go over the information my state provided, so I don't have to try multiple times to get it approved. There's never been a good time for her and I to sit down and go over the info, but hopefully this weekend will be the time we do it

The next few months, maybe even the rest of the year, will be the hardest time I've ever experienced as I adjust to my new meds and find a new, better job so that I can help my parents with rent and being able to have money that is actually useable (currently, $500 is the minimum amount I have to have in my bank at all times, lest I get hit with an $8 service charge fee each month until I'm over $500 again, but since I'll be getting a new bank once my name and gender change is 100% official, I won't have to worry about that) I still would like to be making more than $350 that doesn't require I deal with the shit weather outside (also bc I'm tired of delivering newspapers) so even if I have to work at my neighborhood Dollar General or Walmart etc, I need to be mentally able to do so

I think that's all for now. Here's a virtual hug if you read this wall of text. There's a lot I have to work on with myself and talking to a therapist is going to help push me into the right direction

[infiniteglitterfall]

are aces lgbt?

The exclusionist argument always seems to boil down to, “I don’t hear aces describing any experiences I relate to, so they’re not lgbt.” 

I think we’re going about this backwards. 

If that’s the way people want to define it, we should be listing things that are obviously examples of “lgbt” oppression,” like • being kicked out,  • getting raped by someone who wants to change your sexual orientation, not just because you said no or because misogyny, • harassed at church, work, or school, • being threatened with or sent to conversion therapy, etc., 

and then seeing if aces also experience them. 

Sorry, I put kind of a lot of examples of these in the first section. It was really hard to restrain myself because there were just SO MANY. I tried not to do 5 examples for every single one at least.... 

Step 1: what kind of oppression do lgbt+ people experience?  

• 30% more harassment, 221% more sexual assault, 100% more intimate partner violence, and 277% more stalking than straight people.

conversion therapy and rejection at church

1. “I was sent [to conversion therapy by my church] to be barraged [with] self doubt and shame until I became afraid to even look at the same gender.... The distinction is often made that [conversion therapy would] be 'against your will’ but that isn’t nearly as cut and dry as it sounds. When you are publicly shamed by your congregation (if 'accused’ in a religious setting) you may very well agree to conversion therapy as your only option. Especially if your a minor like I was. ”

2. “When a preacher found out [about my sexual orientation] he recommended conversion therapy – even before i had come out as pan or trans.... guess who was told by members of their church to go to hell when they came out...? Me!” 

3. “So, I’m a Christian. Was raised by and still live with a super conservative Christian family. Babysit for a super conservative Christian small group. Live in a super conservative Christian neighbourhood. Went to a super conservative Christian summer camp literally every summer of my life. 

“Basically I’ve met a lot of conservative Christians.... [What they tell me is people like me] are ‘unnatural’. That it’s a shame they’ll never be able to fulfill their ‘God given duty’ AKA get married and create lots of little conservative Christians. That they’re sick and should be treated so they can experience true happiness some day AKA marriage and creating lots of little conservative Christians.”

4. “I'm a victim of corrective assault, been threatened with conversion therapy, been forced to medicate to ‘fix’ my sexuality and been threatened by pastors of my church. I'm just so upset.”

5. “[My mom] believes its a mental issue and wants me to start corrective therapy Monday. Why can't she just accept me as me, why do I need ‘fixed’"

corrective rape

1. “[When we talk about corrective rape], we’re talking about the so-called friend, the ex boyfriend, who I got along with just fine after we stopped trying to date, right up until he cornered me outside of Prom. We’re talking about the guy who’d been told by someone else I considered a friend all about [me questioning my sexual orientation]. Who kept oh-so-considerately telling me that he was doing this for my sake, that after I understood how good it felt, I’d be normal.” 

2. “my ex-boyfriend... decided to trick me into drinking, manipulate me emotionally, and force me into sexual situations after I came out to him because he thought he could fix me and didn’t stop even after multiple failed attempts.”

3. “[my rope partner] decided to trick me into drinking, manipulate me emotionally, and force me into sexual situations after I came out to him because he thought he could convince me I wasn’t.”

4. “When I came out [to my mum], she starting to force me to date girls so I would have sex with them (to 'fix' me) and even took me to the doctors and my endocrinologist to get my hormones checked since she was convinced there was something really wrong with me.”

5. “He started by pressuring me assuming it was a mental health issue, he already knew I had many, he assumed if I had adequate access to counselling I would be “fixed” He blamed it on everything from my childhood to my self esteem.

“And then he decided it was because I’d never had sex. He raped me at least 6 times, I dissociated a lot of the relationship but I know there were 6 places where it happened, I don’t know how many times it happened in any given place though. He told me that I should be happy because it proved I was wanted, that eventually I’ll like it, and that he needed to make me “whole” He said that he knew that there was a straight girl underneath everything who just needed to know that it was ‘okay to be sexual.’”

getting kicked out

1. “my mom threatens to throw me out if I so much as bring it up“

2. “When I was house hopping, basically homeless as a young adult, my roommates would kick me out for not having sex with them. [Being out of the closet] got me homeless and back with my abusive mother.”

3. “I'm an 17 year old... and a junior in high school. I came out... to my family the other day and it went so horribly wrong. My own parents accused me of being some odd freak that's not human and just... kicked me out. I only have my clothes, computer and such electronics, 100 dollars and my cat. I'm living in a friend's basement. I wanted to go to college and earn a masters degree... but I have nothing. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do.”

4. “I know for a fact if my mom finds out I'll be homeless on the streets myself.”

5. “I [was] forced to have intercourse to try keeping my abuser from making me homeless... constantly [using my sexual orientation to]... threaten to kick me out 24/7.”

general familial rejection

1. “i've heard 'i was threatened with being kicked out of my house' so, so many times. also 'i was abused/hit when i came out'. most ppl just went back into the closet and lied.” 

2. “My ex boyfriend sexually assaulted me [when I came out]. People have mocked me constantly for it. My parents put me in therapy for it.“

3. “I’ve tried to come out to my parents so many times and my dad doesn’t believe me, and my mom thinks it means there’s something wrong with me!”

4. “I just recently went to a family reunion and... I confided in a cousin about [my sexual orientation] and of course he told everyone, then they all legit got angry at me [for it]. Asking me how it happened, telling me it wasn't real, it got to the point where they screamed at me then my aunt started setting me up with guys in her neighborhood.”

5. “Mi padre dice que... es una moda y que son "subnormales" les que lo son.  Me quiero ir de casa. [broken heart emoji]” (translation: “My father says that [my sexual orientation is] a fad and that people like that are ‘subnormal.’ I want to leave the house. [broken heart emoji]”)

harassment at work or school

1. “i overheard my boss discussing ways to get me to leave. somehow, and i don’t know how, he saw some of my tweets talking about [my sexual orientation]. he’s of the option that [it] is some disease, that it goes hand in hand with being devoid of emotions somehow, and that because of that i can’t possibly be a good teacher because i am incapable of empathy for the children and i am mentally ill.

“sure. he can’t fire me for that. but he sure can make my work environment so stressful, uncomfortable, and downright hostile. and he can do that so much it will make me quit. i didn’t want to let him win, but like. i was legitimately suicidal because of the environment at work and i felt like i had to quit.”

2. “I'm actually one of those... who have been denied a job simply because of my [sexuality]! last year the college I go to was looking for a counselor for the younger classes, something I've wanted to do! a week after I applied, I got an email saying that while I was qualified they saw my... posts [about sexual orientation] on my FB and didnt want to hire me because they were afraid I wouldn't be able to positively connect to others!”

3. “I'd like to chime in on the whole workplace thing. In my experience, yes, [even if you’re not out], they can tell. They'll notice that you don't have [or at least don’t talk about] a significant other. They'll notice when you don't join in certain conversations, especially ones talking about relationships and ‘hot’ people. They'll notice. And, if my experiences are any indication, they'll talk about you behind your back.”

4. “I spent half of my freshman year math class tensed up in terror, trying to ignore the boy with his hand up my shirt because he'd threatened to out me to my parents if I told a soul - and my parents would have put me in therapy....”

abuse within the mental health system

1. “i have severe depression and about a year ago i had checked myself into a mental hospital because i knew i couldn’t keep myself safe. the hospital felt like a safe space to me and at one point during conversation i came out.... one of the patients, a male much older than me, began to tell me how... he would [sexually] touch me. he was very graphic about how and where he would touch me. everyone in the room cheered and laughed. i was terrified.... two days later i attempted suicide. i was immediately sent to another mental hospital. this time involuntarily.“ 

2. “How do I quantify my experience with that therapist? Do I drop names? I’m certain he’s still billing himself as a gender specialist.... And I mean, I was extra-complicated, is it really his fault I got messed up, that CBT backfired so hard?

“Yes, actually. Yes, it’s his fault.

“Sometimes now I even call that experience abusive. Certainly gaslighting.

“There was so much ‘you overattach to labels and overthink everything’ as a Solution? But most of all, the “this again?” was the worst. The ‘we’ve covered this, you’re not X, that’s your disordered thinking again.’

“And any time I mentioned that, it was all awkward and unanticipated and sorry-you-feel-that-way(-it’s-your-brain-again)(-couldn’t-have-known).

"Then last summer I realized I was autistic, and he laughed at the mere idea, and I isolated until I ended up in the psych hospital.”

3. “When I was 19, I was in therapy trying to deal with depression and anxiety (and honestly a lot of child abuse I didn’t realize was abuse at the time).  My therapist... made a lot of homophobic statements, didn’t believe bisexuality was a thing either... INSISTED that I ‘just didn’t want to get better’.... He gave a male client my contact information, pushed me to go on a date for multiple sessions, and pressured me to have sex when I said I didn’t want to.

“I was raped.”

4. “I love not being able to talk to my psychologist about my issues [around sexuality] because if we do she'll suggest conversion therapy for me again. Feels good, feels organic” 

Step 2. compare the above to studies that include aces, and to the personal stories of aces

wait, we don’t have to. 

all of the above examples are actually by and about aces. 

and no, the study results linked at the top are not from the “group x” one about who people imagine they’d discriminate against. it’s a totally separate university study that asked about what people had actually experienced.

[jalapeno-princess]

Until We Meet Again

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst

Warning: Mentions of death, depression, a very sad Mark (I’m so sorry) suicide (and the reader has cancer) so please don’t read if you’re easily triggered

Word Count: 11.4K

Summary: After getting the news that you had stage four brain cancer, your boyfriend Mark makes it his responsibility to make sure your last days on earth are some of the best days of your life.

A/N: I had an idea about writing an imagine based on the movie “A Walk to Remember” I highly recommend it if you haven’t seen it it’s one of my favorite movies but make sure you have a box of tissues ready because it’s a tear jerker. I actually started tearing up while writing this because I can picture how sad Mark would be if he lost his significant other. I debated for a while on whether or not I should post this but I decided to do so, read at your own risk. I also listened to “XO” by Beyonce when writing this so feel free to listen to that while reading.

Your love is bright as ever Even in the shadows Baby kiss me Before they turn the lights out Your heart is glowing And I'm crashing into you Baby kiss me Before they turn the lights out Before they turn the lights out Baby love me lights outIn the darkest night hour (in the darkest night hour) I'll search through the crowd (I'll search through the crowd) Your face is all that I see I'll give you everything Baby love me lights out Baby love me lights out You can turn my lights out

“She has stage 4 brain cancer. I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. Y/n only has 6 months left to live, if she’s lucky. We’ve done all there is we could do Mr.Tuan. You just have to make the most of her time left.”

Have you ever been in a situation where you physically felt your heart sink to your stomach? That’s exactly how Mark was feeling when your doctor brought him in to his office to give him the bad news. Just a few hours ago, you had passed out at work and were rushed to the hospital. Your coworkers felt as if it could have been from exhaustion or malnutrition since you were currently working on a business deal that had taken up all your time and energy. However, a few of the EMTs felt like there was something else, unfortunately something worse that was going on but they didn’t want to assume anything until an actual doctor examined you.

While you were sleeping, the resident doctor had the nurses run an x-ray and some other tests on you. It was then that they found a tumor in your brain the size of a quarter. Since he was your emergency contact, your boyfriend didn’t hesitate in leaving his job and practically sprinted towards the hospital to be with you.

You weren’t one to ever get sick. Sure, you had a few colds here and there; and there was one time you had the stomach flu, but that was it. You were one of the healthiest people Mark knew. Not only did you exercise on a daily basis, but you tried to watch what you’d eat and drank. After practically escaping two speeding tickets, he parked in the hospital’s parking lot and stormed in to the emergency room. He was so in shock; Mark wasn’t physically able to form coherent words as the receptionist asked him what he was doing there. Luckily your name fell from his lips on instinct and he was sure he probably looked like a mad man with his body frozen and eyes wide opened but he didn’t care. He was so worried for your health and your safety, nothing else mattered to him in that moment.

The receptionist gave him your room number and he murmured a quick thank you before storming his way down the hall. Mark hated hospitals; they were extremely eerie and creepy. Other than pregnancies, nothing good ever came from hospitals. Your boyfriend was completely aware of your hatred of having to stay in the hospital, so his mind wouldn’t stop wandering to you and how you were doing.

Once he made his way in to your room and saw you sleeping peacefully on the bed with a bunch of wires and tubes hooked on to your body, he released a breath of relief. However, he felt himself tense up at the sight of you looking so exhausted and so small. The bags under your eyes were prominent and your face was so pale; he was sure the image of you looking so fragile would be etched in to his mind for a long time.

He hurriedly made his way toward you and sank to his knees, reaching for your hands and leaving soft kisses on the back of them. He then began to run his fingers through your hair while whispering sweet nothings in your ear. When he realized there wasn’t a chance of you waking up any time soon, he decided to call your mom and let her know what happened.

You and Mark have been dating for almost 6 years and you’ve known each other for over 10. Other than your family, Mark was one of the only people you genuinely loved and trusted with your entire life. He was your best friend, your soulmate, your safe haven and you meant equally and if not more to him as he did to you. From the beginning of your friendship up until now, he had a close relationship with your family to the point where sometimes you felt they loved him just a little bit more than they did you. With that being said, it was only natural for him to want to inform your mom of your current well-being and the fact that you were in the hospital after fainting.

Mark wasn’t one who could just sit around and do nothing, especially when the love of his life was currently in the hospital; so he began pacing back and forth around the room waiting for your parent’s arrival. When the door opened, he was quick to turn around expecting to see your mom walk in, but he felt his anxiety levels rise when a doctor entered the room.

“Hello, I’m Dr.Phillip. Are you a relative of the patient?” Mark shook his head in disagreement before motioning to you.

“I’m her boyfriend.” Your doctor released a long sigh, one that Mark picked up on as a negative sign.

“Could you follow me for a moment? There’s something I need to tell you about y/n.” As much as he didn’t want to leave you alone, with the way the doctor was acting, he had a feeling it had to be serious. Something didn’t feel right, he knew there had to be a bigger problem other than fatigue and stress going on with you. His assumptions were soon proven true once the first few words fell from the older man’s mouth.

“We found a tumor in her brain. Unfortunately, we found it a little too late. I’m surprised it took so long for her body to react to it, but sometimes the cancer spreads slowly without her body having any side effects.”

Once Mark heard the word cancer, he felt as if his whole world collapsed. There was no way you of all people could have cancer. He couldn’t think; couldn’t breathe. Everything the doctor said went through one ear and out the other. His entire chest felt as if it was about to combust.

“There’s no way—the tests have to be wrong—y/n can’t have cancer—she’s so healthy—she takes such amazing care of herself—you have to do the cat scan again doc there’s no way—“ When Mark began to sob and sink to his knees, your doctor walked over to him and tried his best in comforting him. This had to be a nightmare. The thought of losing you was one he couldn’t bare to accept. He had to be dreaming. All he had to do was wake up and you’d be right there next to him, smiling at him adoringly like nothing was wrong. But deep down he knew this was real, and he’s never experienced this type of pain before.

“What—what can we do for her? Chemo? Is there any drugs she can take? Surgery? You guys can remove it can’t you? That’s your job! You’re supposed to save lives—please—please save my girlfriend—I’m begging you. She’s too young to die—I—I can’t live without her.”

The blank expression on the doctor’s face answered Mark’s question for him and soon he was practically screaming. He didn’t care if he was over reacting or if they’d bring security to kick him out; he was just told that his girlfriend, his best friend, the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with had terminal cancer. There was no way he could act civil and calm in a situation like this—he wanted to die.

“I’m so sorry son, but there’s nothing we can do. The tumor is too big for us to take out and even if we could, this is her brain we’re talking about. One wrong move and you could lose her even sooner—“

“Please don’t say that. I’m sure there’s so much more you assholes can do this is a person’s life we’re talking about. My person! The only person who means anything to me! If it was you, if it was your child, your wife, your mother, your sister, someone you cared deeply about, I’m sure you’d be acting the exact same way as I am right now.”

Your boyfriend was extremely stubborn. Sure, he was very polite, kind-hearted, soft-spoken and generous; but whenever it came to something he was genuinely passionate about, he wasn’t afraid to speak up and fight for what he felt was right. No matter who he was speaking up against. Mark was aware of how disrespectful he was acting toward your doctor, and he was trying so hard to understand the fact that the older man was doing his best in helping you, but it wasn’t enough for him. He did the unthinkable and sank to his knees.

“Please, do whatever you can to keep my girlfriend alive. I’ll do anything.” Dr.Phillip gave your boyfriend a few minutes to calm down before motioning for him to stand up.

“If she does chemo, it’ll prolong her life for a few more months. She has stage 4 brain cancer. I’m so sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. Y/n only has 6 months left to live, if she’s lucky. We’ve done all there is we could do Mr.Tuan. You just have to make the most of her time left.”

Mark let out a scoff before storming out of his office and making his way back to you. His tears were hot against his cheeks as they fell and he practically broke the door as he opened it, not wanting to be away from you any longer. As soon as his eyes landed on your mom as she held your hands in hers, his tears began to overflow as his sons grew louder.

Your boyfriend wanted to be strong, especially because he had a huge feeling things were going to go downhill once he gave your parents the news. Out of all your siblings, you and your mom had the closest relationship. Mark knew just how much you meant to one another and he knew the only person who loved you as much as he did was her. So he was confident her world would come crumbling down just as his did once he heard about your condition.

“Mark sweetie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He took no time in pulling her against his chest and continued to sob in to her hair. His grip was tight on her shoulders and countless apologies fell from his lips only worrying your mother even more than she already was.

“Y/n—y/n—she—she um—stage four cancer—brain tumor—6 months to live—“ he couldn’t even finish explaining to her what the doctor told him before she sank to the ground in hysterics. Hearing her cries fill the room was all too much for Mark to handle. It was a slap in the face by reality that this was really happening and he was going to lose you.

The two of them stayed like that on the floor for what felt like hours to Mark just holding one another while crying uncontrollably. Nurses came in and out of the room to change your iv and to see how you were doing, but it was overwhelming even for them to see Mark and your mom breaking down. After a few moments, your parents wanted to speak to the doctor themselves, leaving Mark all alone with you and the negative thoughts that were taking up his entire mind.

6 months. He had approximately only 6 months with you. How was he supposed accept this information? 6 months was nothing, not when he believed he was going to spend the rest of his life with you. What was he going to do? Two days went by and Mark did not leave your side once. At all. He informed his family and a few of his close friends about what happened and the love and support he was receiving from everyone was nice, but it wasn’t enough to fill the hole that was now in his heart.

He couldn’t eat nor has he gotten any sleep since he heard about you getting administered in to the hospital and everyone started to worry for him but they knew not to get involved. You were all Mark knew and wanted to know. From the time he woke up to the time he went to sleep, you were all he ever thought about. How much he loved you, how much you meant to him, what your future together was going to look like; he couldn’t get you off of his mind not that he ever wanted to.

To his dismay, both your parents and his parents forced him to go home and get some rest, telling him that you wouldn’t be happy if you knew how he was acting towards this entire situation. Everyone was hurting for him. Anybody who knew the two of you were completely aware that if soulmates existed, you and Mark were each other’s. Wherever you went, Mark followed. Whatever you did, Mark did too. The two of you were like magnets; peas in a pod. It was completely understandable for him to be acting like this. Your boyfriend felt like a stranger in his own body. He felt lifeless. Even when he went home, your absence was taunting him. All your clothes, pictures, makeup, your little trinkets; they were driving him insane.

One day, this was all going to be memorabilia. Things that you’ve owned; it would only remind him of your untimely death and he wanted nothing more than to punch a wall out of frustration. The only thing he did once he walked through your shared apartment was take a shower. Showering felt like such a chore to him. What normally took him fifteen to twenty minutes almost took an hour because he just stood there crying.

If he was already acting like this while you were in a coma, Mark was afraid of what life would be life if you were to actually leave. Almost two days later, Mark got a call from your mom telling him that you were awake and that you knew everything. He found himself asking Jinyoung to take him to the hospital because God knows he wouldn’t have been able to drive there himself. Jinyoung had to calm him down as they waited for the elevators and it seemed as if his patience was at an all time low.

Right as he was about to make his way to the stairs, the doors opened and he fumbled with pressing the buttons to your floor. Your entire family was waiting outside of your room and he felt a pang of hurt hit his chest with every sympathetic look he was receiving. He felt selfish for wanting to be alone with you, but once he walked in to the room and saw that you were awake, he practically threw himself at you and wrapped his arms around you.

“I’m so glad you’re awake, fuck—shit I’m sorry baby—I’ve missed you so much.” He stole a kiss from the corner of your mouth and didn’t even hold himself back from crying. His choked back sobs made your heart ache and you found yourself erupting in tears also. Your parents quietly made their way outside to give you both some space as the two of you held each other and cried. He began leaving chaste kisses all around your face and cupped your cheeks with his hands before roughly connecting your lips together. His lips were salty from the tears and you knew he hasn’t been taking care of himself with how chapped they felt, but you missed the feeling of his warm lips on yours and you wanted him to kiss you as much as he desired to. To his dismay, you pulled away to catch your breath and placed your forehead against his.

“Mark.” He hummed softly in curiosity as you made room for him on the bed. “Hold me?” He gave you a sad smile and joined you on the bed, all but gently wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you on top of his lap.

When your mother informed you about your cancer, you couldn’t believe a word she was saying. You’ve always read stories and watched videos about other people getting diagnosed with cancer and you always felt so sad for the patients; especially with everything they had to go through. You just never thought that it would happen to you. Nobody thinks something bad will happen to them until it does. You cried with your mom; the idea of leaving this earth before really getting to experience your life felt unreal. You didn’t want to be without your family, your friends—Mark.

When she gave you the bad news, your mind immediately drifted off to your boyfriend. Did he know? Of course he had to, you faintly remember your mom mentioning how he got in to an argument with your doctor, held her as she cried and how he always stayed with you for the last few days. You knew Mark would take your diagnosis the worst. Seeing him so pale, so emaciated brought tears to your cheeks. He was always so sensitive and so emotional which was one of the many things you loved about him. But with the way he pampered you, took such amazing care of you and needed to be with you as much as he could only worried you. You were afraid of what he was going to do once it was your time to go.

“You haven’t been eating have you, you’re already so skinny. You need to eat—“ his brows furrowed as he tightened his grip on your waist.

“How am I supposed to do anything at a time like this y/n?” You frowned although you knew where he was coming from. You brought your fingers up to his face and playfully attempted to lift up his lips in to a smile but he wasn’t having it.

“Smile for me baby, please? I’ve missed seeing your award winning smile. I’ve missed you. I didn’t even realize how long I’ve been gone for.” He looked at you in disbelief; as if you grew another head.

“How are you being so positive right now? I feel pathetic. Like I’m failing as a boyfriend. I’m supposed to be strong for you, hell, I’m not even the one going through this but I can’t seem to stop crying. What is wrong with me?���

You ran your fingers through his soft, brown locks and sent him a broken smile. “You’re human my love. It’s okay for you to be frustrated and upset. I was when the doctor talked to me. I almost didn’t believe him at first—I mean I didn’t want to believe him. Who wants to die? I’m only twenty-four years old. There’s so many things I want to do and now my life is being put to an end before it can even start. It isn’t fair, but I’m trying to stay positive about it because I don’t want to remember wasting my last few months here on earth being depressed about something that I have no control over. If it’s my time, then it’s my time. I know God has a plan for me and that he’ll take good care of me; so we just have to take this one day at a time.”

Mark’s chest began to heave against your back and you turned yourself around in order to hover on top of his lap. You brought your hand up to cup his face and wiped away a few of his tears.

“Y/n, I hope you know, that I love you with every fiber of my being and I’m going to spend every single day with you to the point where you’ll probably get tired of me but it doesn’t matter. You’re not going to suffer through this alone, you hear me? I’m going to be by your side every step of the way. Please tell me if there’s anything I can do for you to make this situation a little more easier. I’ll do anything for you.”

You beamed up at him and playfully stole a few sloppy kisses while toying with his fingers. “Why don’t you make a bucket list? I want you to come up with anything you want to do and I promise I’ll do my best to make sure we do it.”

No matter how upset and heartbroken you were over your diagnosis, your heart felt so warm with the way Mark was treating you. Even before the two of you started dating, your boyfriend was always so kind and gentle whenever it came to you and he always put you first in every single situation. Looking at him hurt. Knowing that you would no longer get to feel the warmth of his embrace; kissing his pretty, pink lips; hearing that beautiful contagious laughter of his sent a painful sensation to your stomach. The love you had for one another was indescribable.

He was like your lifeline and you knew he was suffering with retaining this information. If it was the other way around and he was the one who was sick, you would probably die of heartbreak. You never wanted to be without him and it was the same for him.

“Oh like anal?” He looked at you in disbelief before his choked up laughter filled the room.

“I mean—if that’s what you want baby—don’t make me laugh y/n. God, what am I going to do without you?” You shook your head and hid your face in the crook of his neck.

“Can you do something for me Mark?” He quickly nodded in agreement knowing he would do anything you asked of him in a heartbeat. “Let’s pretend as if nothing is wrong with me? Okay? I don’t want you to look at me as your sick girlfriend. I don’t want to be treated like a cancer patient. I want to live what’s left of my life freely. I know it’ll be hard, but I don’t want us to be sad.”

He took in a deep breath and nodded softly in agreement. The two of you stayed like that for a couple of moments, just basking in the other’s presence. Some of your family members and a few nurses came in and out of your room every so often but neither of you really paid them any mind. You were too focused on each other. Just a few days later, you were released from the hospital and were given the okay to return back to work with the responsibility of not overworking yourself. You were also given medication along with a meal plan to help with prolonging your health.

The doctor who helped you throughout your entire stay recommended chemotherapy and even waved your entire hospital fee. Mark knew it had a lot to do with their conversation a few days prior and even if he was an asshole to the older man, he was very grateful for all that he tried to do for you in the short amount of time you were administered.

Mark wasn’t lying when he said he was never going to leave your side. Wherever you went, your boyfriend trailed right behind you. He attended every single doctor’s appointment, went with you grocery shopping; he even went with you to the bathroom and patiently sat on the floor. As much as you hated being a burden, you knew he was adamant on spending as much time with you as possible. When you were released from the hospital, you began to plan out your entire bucket list together. You tried to make it as realistic as you could; but you threw in a few things that were extremely out of the box.

“You want to skydive? But you hate heights.” You shrugged indifferently.

“I know you used to hate whenever BamBam and Yugyeom would say this, but yolo. I also want to go skiing in Colorado and bungee jumping in Hawaii. You gotta keep up with me Tuan.”

He grinned at your sarcasm before continuing to look over your ideas. “Wait—you were serious about the kinky shit? Bdsm y/n? I mean—don’t get me wrong baby I’m all for it but—“ you rolled your eyes and playfully shoved his shoulder.

“Can’t have sex in the afterlife so might as well make the most of it while I still can. By the way, I mean it on you. I’ve always wanted to use a blindfold on you and tie you to the bed.”

“How are you going to explain all of this to God when he asks about your sinful decisions?”

“YOLO.”

The more time you and Mark spent together, the more he’d forget about your sickness and short amount of time left on earth. If he didn’t think about it, he would enjoy his time with you. But the more he’d listen to you laugh at something cheesy he said or the way you’d hold on to him while the two of you lounged around on your days off made his heart hurt.

He knew it was the moments like these that he was going to miss the most. When it was just the two of you having fun, enjoying the other’s presence. Mark would never show you that he was extremely miserable because he didn’t want you feeling worried or upset; so he found himself crying in the shower and sometimes in the middle of the night while you slept peacefully. You were so strong during the entire process and Mark was so proud of you for fighting so hard.

Only two weeks after your stay in the hospital, you decided to quit your job in order to focus on your boyfriend, your friends and your family and to spend your days doing things you loved without having anything to stress over. One by one, you and Mark began to cross things off your bucket list. As much as you wanted to travel around the world, you knew that there was more important things you actually had to spend your money on; but what you didn’t know was that your family secretly purchased both your’s and Mark’s tickets and even paid for your hotel rooms so that you and your boyfriend could experience your dream adventure together.

The two of you took a tour throughout Europe; you have always dreamt about going to Greece and Italy from the time you were a little girl and you had thought that one day you’d be able to do so with Mark. Your trip was everything you could have ever wanted and more. You got to visit every monument and scenic point that was on your itinerary, ate till your stomachs were full and took pictures practically everywhere. Everything was so exciting to you that you failed to notice your boyfriend taking hundreds of photos and countless videos of you.

On his downtime, he began to make a album in his phone dedicated to you with thousands of both pictures and videos of you from the time you started dating up until now. He even printed out numerous about of photos and started a photo book that he could look back on whenever he missed you but deep down, Mark already knew he would never be able to look at any picture or photo of you without crying a river. When the two of you returned back, he gave you no time to unpack your things and surprised you with tickets to Hawaii.

Besides Europe, Hawaii was in your top three places you wanted to travel to because of how beautiful it looked in photos and because of the love you had for the beach. Mark even booked a skydiving appointment on your initial first day and although a huge part of you was scared out of your mind to fall out of a plane that was 20,000 feet in the air, you felt like you could do anything with Mark by your side. It was such an amazing experience; you felt so free, so powerful. Seeing how far you were from the ground was intimidating, but the comforting caress against your wrist made it all worth your while.

You both spent every second doing something adventurous; rock climbing, atv cruising, zip lining and horseback riding. He also took you to a couple of beaches and the two of you would just cuddle up on the sand and watch the waves crash up on to the shore. It all seemed too good to be true; you had no responsibilities, no worries, no regrets and you were traveling the world with the love of your life. You couldn’t have been more happier.

However, everything seemed to come crashing down the minute you started chemotherapy. Your doctor explained that chemotherapy helped with extending your life and you took any chance you were given. When you and Mark arrived back home from your trip, you went straight to your doctor’s office and began scheduling your chemotherapy sessions. You’ve read countless horror stories about the negative effects of chemotherapy and it was in those moments, hearing about how lethargic and exhausted you’d get, the loss of appetite and how quickly your hair would fall out made it all the more real that this was actually happening.

Your hair began to fall out during the first session and you decided to shave your head bald before it could actually fall out completely. When you took a look in the mirror, you cried for what felt like hours. You felt so ugly; especially when your eyebrows started falling out. This caused you to lash out on Mark every so often; you grew extremely unhappy and felt so insecure no matter how many times Mark reassured you that you were still and would always be the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid his eyes on. Your boyfriend hated seeing you so bothered with the way you looked knowing that there was nothing you could do about it.

As much as he despised hearing you talk so negatively about yourself, he knew it was only natural for you to act this way. To your surprise and your delight, you woke up that next morning to the sound of a buzzer and when you got up out of bed to find the source of the buzzing noise, it was then that you saw Mark shaving both his hair and his eyebrows off. Your heart felt so warm and you were sure it was about to combust with all the love you felt for the devastatingly handsome man in front of you. You didn’t know what you did to deserve Mark; he was nothing but patient with you no matter how harsh you could treat him some days.

He knew you didn’t mean it, anger and hostility was a side effect of the chemo and the only thing he could do in order to help you was support you and be there for you no matter how rude you were treating him. “I hate how good you look with no hair, it’s unfair. Thank you for doing this for me by the way—you don’t understand how much it means to me—how much you mean to me. You mean so much to me Mark—you mean everything—I love you more than I can put in to words.”

He giggled softly before kissing away the tears that were coming down your cheeks. “I guess you haven’t seen yourself these days. You look breathtakingly beautiful baby. I’m so sorry you have to go through this; I know I say it every single day but it’s the truth. It’s so hard for me watching you suffer and not being able to help carry this burden with you no matter how badly I want to. I want you to know that you’re so fucking beautiful y/n. With and without hair, with and without make up, with and without eyebrows. With and without clothes—ow! I’m being serious stop being abusive. Don’t you dare for one minute think you’re ugly, you hear me? I told you I wasn’t going to let you go through this alone didn’t I? Come on my beautiful cry baby, let’s go take some pictures of our adorable matching bald heads. Honestly, I think we look ten times better, who needs hair?”

A wise man once said, time flies when you’re having fun. As the days continued to go by, you only grew weaker and you had to slow down with your movements. Most of your time was spent in your apartment, but it didn’t matter. You loved every single minute spent cuddled in to Mark’s chest. Mark was constantly reminded of the little time you had left as he watched your frame only get smaller and it was driving him insane. Life wasn’t fair. Your boyfriend didn’t think he was a bad guy.

He was religious for the most part; attended church every so often but prayed every single day. He never smoked nor did any drugs and only drank on occasion. His grades were impeccable; he strived for A’s and B’s and never accepted any lower grade; so why was he being punished? Why was the only good thing that’s ever happened to him, the only thing that has ever meant anything to him being taken away from him so soon? And you; you were such a bright, happy-go-lucky, golden-hearted person; why did you have to suffer and go through so much pain?

Your boyfriend decided to give you something that you’ve always wanted after talking to his friends about the idea. He was going to ask you to marry him. There were so many times where the two of you talked about your future; where you wanted to have your wedding at, how many kids you’ve dreamt of having, where you wanted to settle down—he couldn’t believe he was never going to be able to experience any of these milestones with you, which is why he found himself sneaking away while you were asleep to ask your parents for their blessing.

Your mom smiled softly at him when he brought up the idea of marrying you; it was the biggest smile he’s seen on her since you found out about the cancer and your dad was extremely supportive about the whole thing. In fact, your parents offered to pay for the entire wedding. Whatever you desired, they were willing to give you. Before he could leave, your mom pulled him in to a hug and comfortingly ran her hand along his back.

“I’ve never seen someone love another person as much as you and y/n love each other. From the minute the two of you began dating, I knew you guys were meant to be. You make her very happy Mark. I’m so sorry this had to happen. But thank you for taking such amazing care of my baby girl. Just know that you are the reason why she’s still alive. She’s going to fight to stay alive till her final breath and it’s all because of you. You’re her angel Mark and she is yours. She’ll always be.”

He wanted to be strong in front of your parents, but he couldn’t prevent the tears from falling at your mother’s words. Your mom held him and allowed him to cry for a couple of minutes before she told him to head back over to you. As soon as he left your parent’s house, he met up with Jackson and BamBam to look for the ideal engagement ring. You deserved nothing but the best and your boyfriend was going to make sure that’s what you received. He had Youngjae and Jinyoung stay with you while the three of them went shopping because he hated the idea of you being alone. You were still mobile, but it took you longer to get around and he didn’t want you moving a finger if you didn’t have to.

Bringing Jackson and BamBam was a mistake; not only were they extremely picky, but they couldn’t agree on a ring. If BamBam liked a ring, Jackson would find something wrong with it and vice versa. Either the diamond was too small or too big; the baby was too thick or too wide. There wasn’t a ring that caught their eye. Mark however, couldn’t stop over-choosing to the point where he had selected at least eight different rings. The three men stayed longer than your boyfriend had hoped. He wanted to hurry up and propose to you so that the two of you could get married and spend the rest of your days as a newlywed couple.

After almost an hour, the jeweler pulled Mark to the side and had him explain his love for you, describe your personality, your likes, your personal style and what he’d think you’d want in a wedding ring. He then brought out the prettiest diamond ring Mark has ever seen. It was simple, but yet extremely elegant and eye catching; just like you. It was a gold band with a nicely sized diamond with two smaller diamonds on either side.

Your boyfriend didn’t care what the other two thought; he felt it was perfect and deep down, he knew you’d love it. After purchasing the ring, he picked up a bouquet of your favorite flowers, a couple balloons, a cake and some food on his way home. His mind was filled with worry and he was growing distressed and he didn’t know why. But Jackson and BamBam tried their best to calm him down.

The two younger guys knew you were going to say yes; even if Mark were to propose with a ring pop you’d still be over the moon. When he arrived home, he smiled at the image of you smashed in between Youngjae and Jinyoung while watching something on Netflix. He was also quick to notice Yugyeom and Jaebum sitting on the ground, wanting to be as close to you as possible. You giggled at something you saw and Mark found himself smiling at how adorable you were. He took a look at his friends and he felt embarrassed as the tears built up seeing how much they loved and cared about you.

To say they were devastated when they heard of the news was an understatement. In fact, that was the first time Mark has ever seen Jinyoung and Yugyeom cry. You’ve been in their lives for as long as you’ve been in Mark’s, so it was only natural for them to have grown attached to you and you treated them all like they were your older brothers. The three younger boys took it the hardest; there was a point after your first chemo session that BamBam had to stay away because seeing you so broken and not your usual excited and outgoing self was heartbreaking and too much for him to handle. However, after a talk from Jaebum and Jackson about how they needed to spend as much time with you as possible, he visited you whenever Mark allowed them to come over. When you noticed your boyfriend and your two friends make their way in to the apartment, you attempted to stand up and walk over to greet them, but the right grip on your biceps ultimately prevented you from doing so.

“Woah, woah, woah, slow down fast and the furious, he’s coming y/n. Don’t you dare move a pretty little finger.” You released a frustrated sigh and pouted adorably up at Jinyoung. It was like this the entire day; whenever you wanted to do something, eat, or go to use the bathroom, the guys were quick to do whatever you needed for you. Although you were grateful for their kindness and generosity, there were times that you’ve missed being able to do even the most simplest tasks such as your laundry and doing the dishes on your own. Mark briskly walked over to you and placed a sweet kiss on your lips before cupping your cheek.

“Did the guys take good care of you today?” Your laughter erupted through the room when you heard both Youngjae and Yugyeom scoff at your boyfriend’s question before nodding.

“They didn’t let me do anything at all. Jaebum carried me to the bathroom three times. Jinyoung doesn’t even let me touch the remote.” He giggled at your frustration before politely thanking his friends.

“Can you guys help me bring her to the room?” They all began giving each other knowing looks and grinned widely when they realized what was going to happen. You on the other hand looked at your boyfriend in confusion but decided to let it go. Mark picked you up bridal style but had the guys help him to make sure you didn’t hit the wall or anything along the way. Once you all made it to your room, he placed you down gently on the bed and handed you the flowers. The guys slowly left the room but not before wishing Mark good luck and sending you a few winks. You thanked him before reaching out to run a hand through his hair.

“Everything okay my love?” He nodded slowly before making his way to your side of the bed and you gasped as he got down on one knee. You couldn’t process entirely what was happening, but your heart felt so full. Mark was going to propose to you; when you were first told about your condition, you gave up any idea of getting married because you knew you wouldn’t live long enough to walk down the aisle. Your boyfriend always had tricks up his sleeve and he didn’t even get to say anything yet; you were already crying.

“Baby.”

You looked down at him with so much love and admiration and allowed him to continue. “These last few years have been the best years of my entire life and I owe it all to you. You’ve shown me so much love, compassion, support and kindness throughout our relationship. Only a few months after we started dating, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You’re my best friend y/n. My soulmate. My safe haven. My happy place. You make me the happiest man alive and there’s nothing I would love more than for you to say yes to being my wife. I love you y/n, more than I can fathom in to words. You mean everything to me. I know you didn’t write it down on the list, but we’ve been together long enough for me to know you like the back of my hand baby. You’ve been talking about marriage even before we started dating. I wanted to be able to grant this wish for you. I have the wedding already planned out, all that’s needed is for you to say yes. Y/n, will you marry me?”

You took no time in connecting your lips together and smiled widely in to the kiss as your way of saying yes. The tears were hot against your cheeks; the beautiful man in front of you was truly an angel sent to you from heaven to take care of you and it was an indescribable feeling.

“Yes, yes, yes! I love you so much Mark—I can’t wait to marry you. The ring is perfect baby. Thank you so much. You’re extraordinary.” He jumped on the bed with you and pulled you on top of his chest while roughly connecting your lips together. Your hands made their way around his neck as his gripped tightly on your waist. The two of you were so invested in kissing one another that Mark failed to remember the six other guys waiting patiently outside the door to hear the good news.

“I’ll be right back my love. I’m gonna go kick the guys out so I can show you just how excited I am to marry you.” He placed a chaste kiss on your forehead before making his way out in to the living room. Your fiancé left the door ajar, so you could hear the entire conversation with him and your friends and it made you blush.

“She said yes! We’re getting married guys! Thank you for everything you’ve done for us so far. I can’t wait to see her walk down the aisle.” The room filled with cheers and laughter and soon Mark was being pulled in to multiple embraces.

“Congratulations bro! Shall we celebrate now? Bring out the cake Yugyeom—“ Mark scratched the back of his neck shyly before speaking up.

“Um, about that—my fiancée and I would like to celebrate alone if that’s alright. You guys can all come back later if you’d want to.” He earned himself a few cheeky smiles and a couple of snide comments, but it was all in good fun. Luckily the guys were extremely understanding and left your apartment to let you and Mark relinquish in your love for one another.

We don't have forever Ooh, baby daylight's wasting You better kiss me Before our time has run out Mmm yeah Nobody sees what we see They're just hopelessly gazing, oh Oh, baby take me, me Before they turn the lights out Before our time has run out Baby love me lights out

After a passionate afternoon of intense and steamy love making, you and Mark ordered some pizza and watched a couple of movies before you both called it a night. Over the course of two weeks, you and Mark began your wedding planning and what was normally an exhausting experience for most brides, went very smoothly for you. You knew it’s because Mark did most of the contacting and the planning in general; he bribed his friends with some beer and fried chicken to help with writing and sending out the invitations. All you had to do was find your dream dress and pick out the kind of cake and food you wanted. Everything else, Mark took care of.

As much as you had dreamt of getting married at a beach, he wanted to have the wedding somewhere that would be easy for you to be pushed around in a wheelchair. Seeing you so dependent and incapable of even walking especially since you were always so independent made him feel bad. He was aware of how much it bothered you having to ask for help when you were always the one helping others. Your fiancé wanted you to be comfortable throughout the entire ceremony and to enjoy every second of it without being in any pain or discomfort. It seemed as if everything went by so fast and before you knew it, the day of your wedding finally came.

You went over to your parent’s house to get ready; you had voiced your opinion about whether or not you should wear a wig because you felt extremely insecure but Mark was very outspoken about how exceptionally beautiful you were and never let you feel negative about yourself. He felt useless every time you cried over how skinny and frail your body was becoming on top of no longer having hair. As much as he reassured you that you’d always be so ethereal in his eyes, it was only natural for you to depreciate yourself.

Mark ordered dozens of sunflowers and they were currently filling up the entire church that the two of you grew up in. He didn’t care how much everything was going to cost; your happiness and any memory made with you was priceless. All of both your’s and Mark’s friends and families sat on either side; waiting for both you and your soon to be husband to enter. When Mark walked in alongside six of his best friends and his younger brother, looking at everyone who was there to celebrate the two of you becoming one made him smile like an idiot. He was dying to see you; throughout the entire time the two of you were getting ready, he kept texting you asking you for photos to which you politely kept shutting him down.

Mark knew he had to be patient and that seeing the bride before the wedding was bad luck, but he was just so excited. Jackson, BamBam and Yugyeom began teasing him every so often while they waited for your arrival. If it was during any other situation, he would’ve been annoyed with them for messing around with him but their jokes helped calm his nerves. Before he knew it, the music grew louder and everyone stood up. As soon as his eyes landed on you, tears built up at the corner of his eyes and he allowed them to fall. He didn’t care if he was crying in front of all your family and friends.

You looked so beautiful; so perfect. You were a sight for sore eyes. Mark didn’t think it was possible for you to look even more beautiful than you already were, but like you always did; you proved him wrong. Your dad was currently pushing you in a wheelchair down the aisle and you smiled softly at everyone who came in to view. Seeing Mark practically bawl his eyes out made you tear up; he was always so sensitive and it was something you admired about him. Your dad pulled Mark in to a hug before handing you over to him.

“Congratulations again, take care of my princess.”

“I will.” Mark released a sigh of awe, he couldn’t believe you were real and that he was actually getting married to the love of his life.

“Can you stand baby?” You nodded slowly and he intertwined your fingers before lifting you up.

“Lean on me if you need to okay? You look extremely beautiful by the way—so so so beautiful. I can’t stop looking at you.” You beamed up at him.

“And you look very handsome.” The two of you were so busy in your own little worlds that you didn’t notice all your guests looking at the two of you with so much adoration. The pastor began the ceremony and you couldn’t help to stifle a laugh watching your fiancé make faces at you during the entire speech. His grip was tight against your hands and you could feel him shaking, but it was cute and so was he.

“Shall we start the vows?” Mark nodded before pulling out a piece of folder paper. He gave you a knowing look when he heard a giggle fall from your lips; Mark was quite the procrastinator and he was never really one to be professional unless he had to. Seeing the crumpled piece of folder paper proved that he was extremely laid back and didn’t care to be proper.

“Over ten years ago, I fell in love with the most amazing, wonderful, kind-hearted, hard-working, generous and breathtakingly beautiful girl to exist. You and I started off as friends, but I knew early on that you’d be someone special to me. There aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe the love I have for you. You make me the happiest person alive just by existing. No matter how hard life gets, the mere thought of you is what keeps me going. I thank God every single day for allowing me to be the lucky man who gets to love you. Your smile can light up an entire room and your laugh—don’t get me started on your laugh. It’s the cutest sound in the entire world and I could probably listen to you laugh for hours. These last few months have been rough for us, but you never fail to impress me with your strength, your faith and your selflessness. You’re my biggest role model y/n. Everything I do, I do it with you in mind. I want to make you proud, I want to give you the world you deserve and more. God y/n, you deserve everything. I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that beautiful smile of yours stays on your face. You’re my forever baby, I love you with everything I have and I’m always going to love you.”

Once he was done, you playfully punched his chest causing everyone in the chapel to erupt in laughter. “You asshole, I knew I should’ve worn waterproof mascara. I know I won’t be able to top that—well here it goes. The term soulmates was always a foreign word to me. Out of the millions of people in the world, there is no way two people are destined to be together. But my opinion changed the moment we started dating. If soulmates exist, you are mine and I am yours. The word love isn’t even enough to describe the feelings I have for you. You’re the reason for my existence Mark. You make me so happy. Thank you, for everything. For all the sacrifices you’ve made for me, for all the meals you’ve cooked, all the times you stayed up and watched friends with me because you know how obsessed I am with the show, helping me with every shower, coming with me to every single appointment, for making me laugh and smile during such a hard time. I never felt alone once through this entire experience. You’re out of this world you know that? I could never thank you enough for all the love you’ve given me. You give me strength Mark; you’ve given me so much hope and never fail to remind me how beautiful you think I am and how much I mean to you every single day. Thank you for doing whatever you possibly could in these last few months to be able to make sure I got to do everything I’ve wanted to do while I still could. There was no time for me to even think about my condition, I was too focused on the overflowing love you’ve been giving me. And thank you, for showing me what love is. For giving me the best love I could have ever asked for in this lifetime. I can do anything with you by my side. You are my home Mark Tuan. I love you.”

You giggled as the tears continued to flow down his cheeks and brought your thumb up to his face to wipe them away.

“Do you y/n, take Mark Tuan—“

“I do.”

“And do you Mark Tuan—“

“I do.”

The priest laughed softly as you put your wedding bands on both of your fingers. “With the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”

Mark took no time lifting up your chin and smashing his lips against yours. Your heart fluttered with how passionate he was kissing you and when he smiled in to the kiss, you returned the ministration. The rest of the wedding went off without a hitch and it was honestly the best day of your entire life. Mark took the time to feed you against your complaints and your cheeks were in pain from how much you’ve been laughing throughout the entire night. Every time you looked at Mark, your heart rate would increase. No matter how many times he’s told you that he loves you, he never failed to show you through his actions just how much you meant to him.

Once the wedding was over, Mark brought you to a hotel and the two of you spent your first night as a married couple underneath the sheets with your bodies intertwined and lips practically fighting each other for dominance.

Unfortunately, only three weeks after your wedding; God decided it was time for you to return home. As much as nobody wanted to accept it, they all knew it was coming. You were rushed to the hospital after passing out while you and Mark were watching some random movie on Netflix. Although nobody had said anything, your husband knew it was time.

You were surrounded with all your friends and family. The room you were in and even the hallway outside were filled with heartbreaking sobs and mumbled screams; mainly from the love of your life. His grip was tight on your arm as he began to pray that you stayed just a little while more but he knew it was too much for him to ask for.

“M—Mark.” He looked up at you and quickly got up while bringing your face in to his hands.

“Yes baby?” You gave him a sad smile.

“Thank you—for everything. I can die happy knowing I lived such an amazing life—and I have you to thank. I love you more than anything Mark. I can’t wait to meet with you again. I’ll be waiting—“ when you took your last breath, your husband sank to his knees and let out the most gut wrenching cry. Jackson went over to pull him in to his chest, but Jinyoung prevented him from doing so. The older man needed his space. Everyone in the room were already crying, but seeing Mark so broken, so distressed was such a terrible sight to see. He knew it was coming, but he was never prepared to lose you. He found the strength to get up from off the ground and gently sat on the bed with you and pulled your lifeless body in to his embrace. “Come back to me—please. I can’t do this without you.”

The first few weeks after your death were some of the worst moments of Mark’s entire life. Coming to terms with your death and learning to live without you was something he knew he’d never get used to; he never wanted to. It all felt surreal to him. You were there just a few days ago, smiling, laughing, kissing him, holding him and whispering countless love confessions in his ear. He wanted to die. There was no way he’d be able to learn to live without you.

Mark found himself contemplating his life; he couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and he hated having to interact with people. Although he was extremely thankful for all the outpour of sympathy he’s been receiving, he was tired of hearing it. It was a constant reminder that you were no longer around. Jinyoung forced Mark to move in with him because he knew it would be torture for him to continue living in your shared apartment.

As much as he wanted to continue wallowing in his self pity, he knew your mother must’ve been taking it very hard. It felt like it was just yesterday that he called her to tell her about you being in the ER. Now you were in the clouds, hopefully smiling down on him and watching over him. Your friends were afraid of losing Mark completely; they were afraid of what he was capable of doing in order to be with you again. If he wasn’t to commit suicide, he would probably die of a broken heart, they were sure of it.

Waking up every morning without you there felt like a chore and he no longer wanted to do it. There was one day in particular that he was ready to just give it all up and end his life. He felt like there was nothing worth living for anymore. As he began thinking about what he would do, it was then that he heard a little voice in his head leading him back to your apartment. He knew it was you, it had to be. The voice gave him directions to go in your closet and to take out the blue box hiding in your vanity. It took every bone in his body to even return back to your apartment, let alone touch something of yours. He never moved anything since your death.

The cup that you last drank from sat on the coffee table and it was still full of the caramel macchiato you failed to finish. He didn’t have to courage to dump it out nor could he even look at your side of the bed without screaming. He felt as if he was living his worst nightmare and it was a reoccurring thing every morning he woke up. When he opened the box, he took a seat on the ground and found a letter addressed to him. Why didn’t you tell him about this letter earlier? Or why didn’t you give it to him before you passed? How was he supposed to find it without knowing about it or where it was? He ran his finger over your handwriting and bit his lip to prevent the choked sob that was building up at the back of his throat from coming out. As soon as he opened the card, he was a mess. He couldn’t even get past his name before the tears began to pour.

“To: the love of my life,

My Mark. My sweet Yi-En. If you’re reading this, then I’m no longer here. I hope you know, that I miss you so much. God, I was so afraid to die because I didn’t want to be without you. I know I told you God has a plan for me and I know he has a plan for you too. Please baby, find the strength to move on. Don’t worry about me okay? I’m fine. I’m no longer in pain anymore and just know I’m watching over you and counting down the days until we get to meet each other again. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me Mark. I know it’s going to be hard, but promise me you’ll live your life to the fullest. You own my heart baby, always have and always will. Don’t forget to eat your meals and take your vitamins. We all know how sensitive your body is so you better take good care of yourself since I can no longer do so. If you die Mark Tuan, I will kill you. Please don’t beat yourself up about my death. None of this is your fault okay? It’s just a part of life. We will never understand why it was my time, but I meant what I said in my vows. You’re the reason I stayed around for so long. The doctor predicted that I only had six months left and I lived for almost an entire year. You’re the reason my love. You never failed to care for me and gave me your undying love and attention. You’re an angel Mark. My sweet angel. I give you permission to look for love when you’re ready. I’ll make sure to let you know whether or not I approve of her. Whatever will make you happy again Mark, don’t hesitate to do it. Unless it’s drugs, then I’ll really kill you. You’re forever in my mind, my heart, my thoughts and my prayers. Thank you for being my person. I’ll be waiting for you baby. I love you forever, Love, y/n.”

10 years later

“Daddy, where are we going?”

Mark looked at his beautiful three-year-old daughter in his rear view mirror and hummed contently. “We’re gonna go visit grandma and grandpa Faith.”

The little girl looked at him in confusion. “Didn’t we just see them yesterday?” He laughed at how smart she was and his heart began to warm at the sight of the all too familiar road.

It’s been a while since he’s been here and he can still see himself walking up to the door and hiding his hands in his pockets at the idea of taking you out on your first date. After reading your letter, Mark decided that he would learn to live for you. He moved away almost immediately and found himself traveling amongst the many different places the two of you visited together. He’d call your mom every so often to see how she was doing, but it was still too real to him no matter how many years have gone by.

He took Faith out of her car seat and carried her up to the door. When he rang the doorbell, he heard your mom call out that she was coming and he couldn’t help the smile that rose on his face when she finally opened the door.

“Mark, sweetheart look at you! You still look so handsome. It’s been so long. And who is this?” The little girl waved at your mom and smiled politely.

“I’m Faith. Nice to meet you grandma.” Your mom beamed at the little girl before pulling the two of them in to her embrace.

“Come inside, let me get you something to drink. What brings you here Mark? It’s been a while dear, how have you been?”

He took in your parent’s living room and his heart began to sink. Nothing changed. There were so many photos of you scattered amongst the shelves and on the walls; your wedding photo hung right above the fireplace.

“I um—we visited my parents yesterday and my mom brought you up. I wanted to come see you. It’s—her ten year anniversary in two weeks. I can’t believe it’s been so long.” Your mom handed him a cup of coffee and gave Faith a cup of orange juice.

“I know. I think about her and miss her all the time. Sometimes I daydream about what life would be like if she were still here. Your mom tells me you and Jinyoung started up a charity organization together. That’s amazing sweetheart. Y/n would’ve been so proud of you.”

He smiled softly at the sound of your name. Has it really been ten years since he’s last heard your contagious laugh and felt your soft lips against his? It’s been so long that sometimes he had a hard time believing you once existed and that you weren’t a figment of his imagination.

“Your daughter is so beautiful and such a smart girl. Your mother didn’t mention anything about you getting remarried, but I’m glad to hear that you are moving on—“ to your mom’s surprise, he shook his head in disagreement and motioned over to where Faith was watching television.

“I adopted her from an orphanage in Taiwan almost two years ago. Her parents gave her away right after she was born. I don’t know—but something told me to adopt her. She’s such a wonderful little girl and she helps fill the void. Y/n took a huge part of me with her when she left. I wanted to give up on it all so that I could be with her again—but she made me promise her that I would continue to live life and attempt to look for happiness again. That little girl is my happiness.”

Your mom wiped away a stray tear before reaching out to squeeze his hand. “That’s so kind of you Mark. You’ve always been such a generous and kind-hearted human being. Your parents raised you well. But it’s been ten years. Y/n would’ve wanted you to start looking for a companion—“

“Y/n was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Where do I go when I’ve already had the best? Y/n is always going to own this silly heart of mine. I actually renamed her Faith in memory of y/n. We talked about our future children’s names on multiple occasions and Faith was at the top of her list. I was also inspired in how much faith and trust she had in God during her journey. I’m going to be okay mom. Don’t worry about me. My main focus now is that adorable little toddler, my job and the organization. I had my chance at love and was the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Your mom and your husband talked for a few hours and most of that time was spent reminiscing on your memory and how life was so much better when you were still around. When Faith fell asleep on the couch, Mark decided it was time for the two of them to make their leave. He hugged your mom and promised to come visit her whenever he was in town. After he said his goodbyes, he brought the little girl in to the car and buckled her up slowly in attempts to not wake her. However, her soft voice caught his attention as he began to pull out of the driveway.

“Where we going now daddy?”

Mark knew there was one more place he wanted to visit before making the drive back to his parent’s house.

“We’re gonna go see mommy.”

I love you like XO You love me like XO You kill me boy XO You love me like XO All that I see Give me everything Baby love me lights out Baby love me lights out You can turn my lights outIn the darkest night hour (in the darkest night hour) I'll search through the crowd (I'll search through the crowd) Your face is all that I see I'll give you everything Baby love me lights out Baby love me lights out You can turn my lights out

[yallarewild]

20 reasons why i think self dx is dangerous (as a nd/mentally ill person who’s spent a decade researching psych)

this was made purely to highlight the dangers of self diagnosis and the importance of necessary medical treatment

important disclaimers:

self dx =/= self advocacy, i.e. researching symptoms that you think you might have and trying to compare them to your own behavior without actually dxing yourself, regardless whether you are going to seek medical help. i believe this is extremely important: it can provide you w/a sense of validation to know you’re not alone, and it can put you in touch with your feelings a little more once you realize there actually may be something going on with you. 

this post is not made for the intention of judging the character of people who self dx- there are many other posts out there about the ableism factors,  the trivialization of mental illness, or the way tumblr communities handle mental illness, etc.

tl;dr: .it’s not a fucking joke, please go get checked out by a professional medical practitioner, or don’t (but pls do), but whatever you do please don’t self dx

i often see the phrase “no one knows you better than yourself” as a justification for self dx and while you’re the only one who has access to your emotions and thoughts, no one is objective about their health, thoughts, and emotions. it’s impossible to truly dx yourself with any mental disorder because you subconsciously bring different types of cognitive biases into the process – this is why “medical intern syndrome” is such a prevalent phenomenon. you might know your emotions and thoughts, but this fails to address the fact that your perception of your feelings are grossly affected by your true mental illness (which says something ab your mental illness in and of itself).

not having access to mental health care doesn’t mean you should dx yourself with a mental illness, its not black or white. i often see teenagers saying they don’t want to get a prof dx because they don’t want their parents involved and i totally understand that, ableism is so terrible and i’ve experienced it for so long, trust me. luckily, there are ways to access mental health care at little to no cost, insurance or not, without getting your parents involved, but im not here to judge those who struggle w/resources to care.

untreated mental illness does not go away & a pro dx is crucial for access to treatment, disability benefits or other types of care or services. this could literally mean life or death. the prognoses for untreated mental illnesses are across the board terrible and may have devastating effects on your life: the longer they’re left untreated because you decided to not seek treatment, the more disabling they’re going to become. like one argument for self dx is that not everyone can access mental health care/resources…so instead they do something that literally prevents them from accessing resources….. uhhhhhh ??

you could put yourself in grave danger because symptoms of mental disorders may actually be life threatening symptoms of serious physical issues requiring medical care: thyroid issues, liver damage, vitamin deficiencies, blood/bone/brain infections, neurological disorders, many types of cancer, autoimmune disorders, brain tumors, epilepsy, diabetes, etc

you could put yourself in grave danger because you may be dealing with early symptoms of a more serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, DID, etc. there are many early symptoms that mask other disorders. obv all mental illnesses are very serious but if you self dx with depression because you’re experiencing the “negative” symptoms of schizophrenia: lethargy, lack of affect, etc. you may not think a pro dx is necessary and early treatment is crucial for successful long term treatment of schizophrenia.

there is so much misinformation about what symptoms look & a psychiatrist is able to determine the degree and direction of the symptoms. there is a huge spectrum within each symptom and it honestly takes a trained medical professional to determine the severity. for ex: mood swings are common in both bipolar disorder & BPD but they look and feel totally different for each disorder. people justify this with: “well i fit the literal dsm diagnosis” except,,,, you probably dont. the dsm was NOT designed for people who are not medical professionals to interpret- there are nuances of specific symptoms that determine a dx

just because you experience several behaviors doesn’t necessarily mean you have a mental illness at all, diagnoses are based on the specific combination of symptoms. you may look at mood swings, anxiety and issues w/interpersonal relationships, and think you def have bpd; however it’s important to factor in that mood swings/anxiety are associated with hormones, eating patterns, stress, situational conditions etc but since you’re in the lens of looking for a diagnosis you might point to that and think it fits within that diagnostic criteria. im not saying you’re faking or don’t have a mental illness, im saying one or more of your symptoms may not be accounted for mental illness.

if you self dx and then don’t get treatment and/or medication you’re generally at a HIGH risk for self medication which may or may not include self-harm and substance abuse. since mental illnesses generally do not get better over time, so the longer you wait, the higher your chances of engaging in self destructive behaviors. there are some mental disorders that are literally inherent chemical imbalances that can really only be treated with medication, no matter how much self care you engage in.

i often see the argument that “psychiatrists just go down a checklist to diagnose you and that’s it!”, as well as, “My psychiatrist googled ‘x disorder quiz’ and printed the first one that came up!! i was in and out in five minutes!!!” as justifications for self dx: like either your psychiatrist needs to get their fucking license revoked or that’s just not true. the testing process generally takes an hour and involves diff types of observations of behavior as well as a very long list of questions- it’s not a fucking list printed from the internet from a random site.

additionally i see, “psychiatrists make mistakes too!!” right, true but the chances of a psychiatrist making a mistake vs the chances of you making a mistake are very slim in relation to each other due to the reasons listed here, i.e. decades of research on a phd level

just because some people go to the psychiatrist post-self dx and learn they were correct about their self dx doesnt mean that it applies to everyone and REGARDLESS it doesnt mean you shouldnt get professionally diagnosed anyway. these are a few experiences out of a million. it literally doesn’t mean that you are definitely right in yours.

quizzes taken on the internet aren’t fucking diagnosis (and neither is 6 months of research)??? like i don’t care if you’ve taken ten of them. if they’re designed with the proper controls they could def help SCREEN for mental illness symptoms, but even then it requires a lot of second party consulting, it’s something you’re literally not qualified for, for the reasons listed above.. if i took diff quizzes or tried to research my symptoms i could def try and self dx with so many diff disorders that aren’t even comorbid. they need to be interpreted by a medical professional and are usually designed to help guide ppl towards treatment

“all psychiatrists are neurotypical and dont understand my mental illness!” how do you know they’re neurotypical? they wouldn’t tell you even if they were??? also what does being neurotypical have to do with their ability to correctly do their job???? would you expect an oncologist to have gone through cancer in order to do their job?

the concept of self fulfilling prophesy is hard at work with self diagnosis; if you attach a label of depression to yourself it’s going to influence your behavior and self perception whether or not you’re aware of it. you might end up seriously damaging yourself because youre trying to fit the diagnosis. when i obsessively tell myself i feel very depressed, after awhile i actually prevent myself from feeling better because i keep telling myself i’m depressed, for example.

one phrase i see a lot: “well people self dx with a cold, why is this any different?” well, for one thing, the physical ramifications of a cold and a chronic mental illness ie a literal chemical imbalance in your brain are miles apart. they’re not even medically comparable in terms of immediate and long-term effects. additionally, it really highlights the fact that many people treat mental illness as a personalized experience whereas they treat their physical health w/objective opinions from medical professionals. this analogy is not only inaccurate but it’s dangerous as fuck.

people might not be aware symptoms they’re experiencing are abnormal because that’s their normal state based on their actual mental illnesses. for ex someone who suffers from an anxiety dx might just be used to adapting to it their whole life when they actually have a serious disorder and not even think about getting help for it. your baseline cannot be assessed objectively.

sometimes the self dx community is enabling in a bad way- the lack of treatment for disorders real or otherwise make them more susceptible to encouraging/justIfying unhealthy coping habits. its kind of like the blind leading the blind. like it’s just not a good idea.

just because it might take a couple diff psychiatrists to get an accurate diagnosis isnt a good justification for self dx. this can be due to a million different reasons- maybe you were diff ages when you saw each one, maybe you were exhibiting signs of something else at the time- i was originally diagnosed with depression before bipolar disorder because my mental health hadn’t stabilized so my mania wasn’t present.

using the excuse of “ask someone close to you what they think about you possibly having [x] dx” as a legitimate step towards self diagnosis is as bad as saying you don’t have a personal bias… like the answer from your friend/family member is based on so many factors: the nature of the relationship, how honest the person is, their emotional state at the time, their own ability to analyze the people around them, how aware of psychological symptoms they are, their bias towards mental illness, the way the symptom description is presented,   the setting the discussion took place, etc etc

last but not least, i see the phrase: “well mental illness didn’t suddenly appear as soon as i got a diagnosis!” obviously it was always there but you may have mislabeled it before your diagnosis if you self dx’d first, thats it. no one is pretending mental illnesses suddenly appear when a professional diagnosis is assigned

your best “research” on the internet is not equal to ten years of medical school, its just not, and it’s concerning to me that self diagnosis is such a prevalent trend on here. please seek treatment, even if it’s in the form of your high school or college counseling center; the links i’ve provided in number 3 may be helpful in locating mental health care, whether it’s a community mental health care center, or a therapist close to you who offers reduced cost treatment.

you owe it to yourself, it’s 10000% worth it.

[bigyack-com]

Deepika Padukone talks about depression at WEF Davos, reveals ‘I fainted, luckily the house help came and saw me on the floor’ - bollywood

Deepika Padukone is at the World Economic Forum being held at Davos, Switzerland where she discussed mental health with WHO Director General Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus on Tuesday. The actor made her presence felt in a black suit paired with diamond jewellery and revealed how she suffered mental illness when she had least expected it. Deepika was praised by Dr Tedros for her openness in dealing with the issue. He shared a picture from their chat on Twitter and wrote, “Delighted to discuss #mentalhealth with @deepikapadukone at #wef20. Your openness and vulnerability are helping others to seek help and helping to break down stigma. @WHO look forward to working closely with you. There is no health without mental health. #LetsTalk.” The actor later thanked him for his warmth and generosity.  Thank You @DrTedros for your warmth and generosity and we look to working together in our efforts to de-stigmatise mental illness and creating awareness regarding mental health.@TLLLFoundation @WHO https://t.co/hxxQlWAVPo— Deepika Padukone (@deepikapadukone) January 21, 2020 Responding to her request for helping get mental health included as a part of the sustainable development goals, Dr Tedros assured that the entire UN system would work for that.  Also Watch | Deepika Padukone receives the Crystal award, talks mental health at WEF Davos

Deepika Padukone during her appearance at the WEF, Davos 2020. Speaking at the WEF 2020, Deepika said she had to lie for a long time when people asked her a simple question like ‘how are you doing?’ and she had to reply ‘good’. She recalled, “Mental illness happened to me when I had least expected it. I was at a professional high, my movies were doing great and I was in an amazing relationship. Everything was going just perfect. One morning when I woke up and I felt all was well, I fainted. Luckily the house help came and saw me on the floor. I was taken to a doctor and I was told it was nothing and probably just some blood pressure fluctuation or something like physical tiredness. Those were the first physical signs. For a long time, I just felt like sleeping, not going out, not meeting people.”She went on to add, “Luckily, my mother had come to my place and when my parents were packing, I just started crying. She asked me what was it and I had no answer. At that time, my mother told me that I probably needed professional help and that’s how I began consulting a psychiatrist.”Deepika said she and her family initially didn’t feel like telling everyone and letting media know about it. “After I was diagnosed with a clinical depression regarding my mental health, I had to even lie when someone asked me how was I doing. I would say, I’m great, though I was actually terrible,” she said.She went on to add, “As I began on my path of recovery, I also understood the stigma attached with the mental health and the need to go public with it. Imagine what would have happened, if my mother had not said that I should a professional help for my problem. I felt that I should do something to help others with their signs and symptoms and that was the reason for going public with my illness and then setting up the Live Love Laugh foundation.”Also read: Priyanka Chopra at WEF, Davos: ‘I want my kids to grow up in a world where the world leaders have listened to Greta’s generation’Stressing on the need to be more aware about mental illness, she said, “Are you feeling sadness and a low for a long period of time? You need to understand sadness is transient and depression is for a long period of time. It is very important to share with somebody around you about how you are feeling. It is also important that the people around you don’t dismiss it as attention-seeking or some small thing. It is important for caregivers to encourage people to seek help.” She also spoke about how in our country, parents are not comfortable with taking their children for professional help. “At times, it is other way round too when parents want to take, but children do not want to seek medical help or consultation. I want every person experiencing mental illnesses to know that you are not alone - because there are no obvious physical symptoms. You feel like you are the only one going though this, and it comes with a lot of guilt,” she said. For humanity, she said that people must realise that there are some fundamental things that need to change such as a notion that men are not supposed to have mental illness. (With PTI inputs)Follow @htshowbiz for more Read the full article