#my own thoughts on the matter are 1: i didn't actually like that line lol

[il3x]

Any idea how more power solves the problem of being a good person?

With more POWER, you can protect your teammates. With more POWER, you can defeat the Aberrant criminals who kill and extort and farm children for Rapture. With more POWER, you can avenge Jaeil. With the right kind of POWER, you could reform the Aberrant Corps from a killer, his killer, into a true hand of justice. You could impose Goodness across the entire world. With enough POWER, you wouldn't even need violence to do it.

And on the smaller scale... POWER can erase your mistakes. Good? You could be perfect.

[aihoshiino]

Rie Takahashi Interview (Oshi no Ko Anime Guidebook: First Report)

In the recently released First Report guidebook, a number of key staff members from the Oshi no Ko anime project were interviewed about their work on the show - so you can imagine my excitement when I saw that not only was Takahashi one of those interviewed, but that she had a lot to say about her performance as Ai and how she interpreted her character. I just had to translate it!

I will say up front that I have no intention of translating the other interviews in the book - this one took me long enough as it was and I fully admit it was pure blorbo bias that kept me going the whole time lol. Given that an English release of Glare x Sparkle is already in the works at YenPress, I imagine an English version of First Report might not be far behind so be sure to support it when it comes out. I'm just impatient lol.

As usual, this TL is a combo of my own comprehension, various online dictionaries such as Jisho.org, some MTL and me collapsing, weeping into smarter people's DMs to beg for their help. If you catch any mistakes, please let me know!

Anyway, enough rambling. Check out the interview behind the cut!

Please tell us about your favourite scene and line from episode 1.

Since Ai only appears in the first episode, I really wanted to make every moment count, so each and every one of her lines are special in their own way. It's hard to choose just one, but as a fan of the original work, the line "lies are an exceptional form of love" was one I was especially particular about. Since it's the line that truly encapsulates everything about Ai, I wanted to make sure that one stuck in people's minds.

You've said in the past you were an 'Oshi no Ko' fan even before being involved in the project.

While I was reading the original work, I actually admired Akane-chan the most. Obviously, I loved Ai as well, but being a voice actress myself, I was particularly interested in how a genius actress like Akane-chan prepared for her roles and what performances she'd go on to give. The chapters where she rises above all the online harassment especially left a huge impression on me. Anyone who's worked as a creative or even just in the public eye probably knows what a pulse-pounding experience it can be when you see slanderous comments about yourself - feeling like all of society has turned its back on you and you have nowhere to belong, and not being able to talk to your parents about it. It was depicted with such care and detail that I ached with her as I read it. But then, seeing her rise back up and declare "I don't want to quit like this" gave me a lot of strength. I wanted to become an actress like Akane-chan, who could come back to acting no matter what struggles I went through.

Since I loved Akane-chan so much, when I heard there were auditions for 'Oshi no Ko', I thought "I want to play her!". I even had the thought of 'Since the original work touches so deeply on what it means to be an actor, if they don't get a good actor for this, I might end up hating Oshi no Ko!' (laughs)

As a result, when I was cast as Ai, I knew I had to step up my game. I told myself, "If I'm going to play Ai, I need to give it my everything. Anything less won't do." I gave it my all with that in mind.

Did you audition for the role of Ai?

Yes, I did. But I couldn't get Akane-chan out of my mind, so I gave her a shot at the table audition. When I was preparing, I went over the manga at home and tried voicing each character and scene and there's a part in episode seven where Akane-chan mimicks Ai as she says "I sure am sleepy. We record way too early". When I tried that scene, I went "Hold on, maybe I really am the best fit for Ai?"

I guess my hunch was right because I didn't even make it through the first screening for Akane (laughs). Because of that experience, I'm deeply grateful to (Iwami) Manaka-chan for playing my beloved Akane-chan. I love both her work and her approach as an actress, so I'm thrilled to be working alongside her. I started off as a troublesome hardcore fan thinking "If they don't cast good actors for 'Oshi no Ko,' I might end up hating it!" but now I'm just like "thank you, voice actors!!" (laughs)

Were there any scenes you thought would be particularly difficult to perform based on the script or the original work?

So, I prepared for the role by going over volume 1 of the manga, the scenes where Akane-chan channels Ai and the short story, but there wasn't much more material at the time (laughs). So just preparing for the role was tough.  During recording, I sometimes checked in with (Akasaka) Aka-sensei about Ai. Now the story has progressed and Ai's character has become more defined, I secretly get a little nervous every time I read a new chapter. "I hope my performance in episode 1 wasn't off... I hope...!" (laughs) Obviously, Aka-sensei and the team were present during recordings, so my portrayal was probably fine but a revelation about her could still catch me out (laughs)

What sort of things did you hear from Akasaka-sensei?

There's a scene where Ai talks to her ex on a public payphone. I had to make sure there was the right amount of distance between them, and whether or not Ai still had any attachment to or fondness for him. I'm the sort of fan who enjoys analyzing the original work so I had mixed feelings about getting told the answer (laughs). But because I knew all the ins and outs of her backstory, I could contextualize her behaviour and the things she says and does.

Another scene was when Ai was scouted off the street and talked about her past, mentioning being abused by her mom. She wasn't saying it with the sense of "it hurts, I can't take it, I want to die" but instead she weaponizes it like "look at what I've been through, poor little me, right?". I tried to make my performance a balance of resilience with her vulnerability.

Also, I was directed to keep the monologue before Ai gets stabbed "emotionless", so I ended up giving a much more detached and matter of fact performance than I'd initially planned.

Were you mindful of the differences between Ai in her private life and Ai on stage when performing?

The tricky part of portraying Idol Ai is that if I make her too distinct, she'll stop being Ai. For example, if I play her as an innocent, optimistic idol, she'd be Ruby, not Ai. I focused less on "what to do as Ai" and more on "what not to do". In "Viewpoint B," Ai says, "The "idol" Ai is pretty much the complete opposite of who I really am, but she's the person I'd like to be." so that was the feeling I used as my reference when portraying Idol Ai. Incidentally, in my work as a performer, I purposely try to avoid drawing a line between my public and private self. So for Ai as well, the switches between the real Ai and the idol Ai feel surprisingly seamless to me. It's not that there are two distinct faces, but that Idol Ai exists inside the real Ai so it's more a question of which side of herself she shows at any given moment.

Ai’s fans in the original story only know the Idol Ai. What do you think draws them to her?

Like in the lyrics of YOASOBI's song "Idol," she's nonchalant, carefree, and easygoing. I could've portrayed Idol Ai as more cutesy, bubbly and flirtatious, but I felt that wouldn't have a convincing appeal to characters in the story like Gorou-sensei and the otaku who support her. I wanted to make sure it was believable that idol otakus in this world end up falling for her. I think it's her more laid back vibe, not the hyper energetic or "look at me!" type, that charms people.

So what would you say is the appeal to fans in the real world who know her full backstory?

Firstly, Ai-chan's overwhelming visual appeal. When you think of shocking pink and purple, you think of Ai! (Yokoyari) Mengo-sensei’s art is so powerful, and the glittering animation is also fantastic. I also find Ai's professionalism in her work really appealing. While she has the cuteness of an idol, she's not just cute—she works with an incredible level of dedication and professionalism. I admire and love her for everything, including her behind-the-scenes efforts. It's impressive, she’s really cool! 

I’ve ended up with a lot more respect for the word ‘idol’ as a result. In the past, when my voice acting involved singing, dancing, and participating in unit activities, being described as an "idol voice actress" didn't quite sit right with me. But now, I realize how honorable and responsible that title is. Idols work hard behind the scenes, constantly smiling while singing and dancing, and performing so brilliantly. If there are moments when I'm called by the same title as those incredible idols, I feel I need to make an effort to match their quality, or it would be disrespectful. It really motivates me to do my best.

There’s a line in Ai's monologue where she says "I wanted to love someone, I wanted someone to love." Why do you think Ai wanted to give love rather than receive it?

It could be that she's looking for somewhere to belong, hoping that "if I can love, I might be loved in return". Ai's history of abuse and mistreatment likely made the love she received feel very different from the love most people experience. I think it all stems from Ai thinking of herself as an abnormal person - she might have believed that to be loved, she needed to become someone who could genuinely love others. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation with a lot of complex feelings. That’s just how I interpret it, though.

And in the end, she realizes her love for the twins is not a lie.

I think that Ai loved the twins all along, not just in that last moment. But the word “love” was like a curse for her, so she couldn't actually say it. That feeling only intensified after I watched the anime. There's an anime original bit where Ai kisses the twins on the foreheads and says, “I'm off,” when she leaves for work. That's the kind of thing you can only do with love - she was just too scared to actually put it into words. Though she was able to express her love fully in her final moments, it’s still sad it took such an extremely situation for her to be able to say it. If it’d never happened, or if she’d simply put the door chain on, she might never have said it. She might have always struggled to say those words. But it’s thanks to the twins she learned how to love. Even the love she has for her fans, that she derided as a lie, was always true. And when she told Ryosuke-kun, “I want to love you,” I think she was already loving him even then.

In the audio commentary included on the Blu-ray & DVD bonus disc, I was struck by the mention of Ai being so nervous before she says “I love you” to Ruby and Aqua, that she takes a deep breath. What sort of direction were you given for that line?

There wasn’t any direction, actually. During the recording, my focus was entirely on expressing Ai’s breathing after being stabbed, how much blood she was losing, and the urgency of conveying her final words. It was an intense experience. It’s a rare moment as a voice actor to feel like me and the character I'm playing have our hearts beating in sync, but this was one of those times. I think I was genuinely nervous myself as well. I could feel my heart pounding and my chest clenching like when you’re about to make a confession. That feeling still hasn’t left me.

Additionally, in the last monologue of episode 11, where Aqua reflects on Ai's words after she was stabbed, we couldn't use the original recording from the first episode. The recording from the first episode captured a raw and genuine emotion, as Ai was gasping for breath. So we re-recorded it with the intention that the more it resonated warmly within Aqua, the more unforgettable those words would become for him. I wanted to make sure that Ai’s final words would leave a lasting impact, something Aqua would revisit in his mind over and over again. Personally, I approached the recording with a deep sense of love, like passing the baton and saying, “Thank you, everyone, for your hard work in the first season.” There was a lot of warmth during that session, not just towards the twins, but towards the entire cast, staff, and the "Oshi no Ko" project itself.

What were your thoughts upon reading 45510?

I got to the end and I was like “Don’t delete the blog! I want to know more!” (laughs) The entire story felt like a box that really shouldn't be opened. Everything from the meaning behind the password numbers to the fact that Ai left behind a blog wanting to reconcile made it feel like Ai really, truly wanted to love the other girls in B-Komachi even when they were jealous of her.

In the anime, we only get a brief moment of interaction between Ai and the other members - that moment during dance practice, when one of them says, "You look kinda down, Ai-chan" and Ai replies with a smile, "That’s not it. I didn’t get to eat lunch!" So I was careful that Ai’s response didn't feel sour at all. If the sigh she let out before they spoke to her had even a hint of annoyance, it would’ve been a reason the other girls took offense with her. I felt like Ai’s invincibility should’ve been the main factor for their issues with her.

It’s just a brief interaction in the anime, but ‘45510’ really fleshed out that distance between Ai and the B-Komachi members. I based my understanding of these boundaries in her relationships on ‘45510’ and ‘Viewpoint B’ and I also read ‘Oshi no Ko: Spica, the First Star’ to get a fuller picture. The more I read, the more I understood - Kana Arima’s got the right idea!

YOASOBI’s song ‘IDOL’ closes out episode one.

The music itself was impactful, but the music video that was released after the first episode aired was something else altogether. We watched the first episode together with the cast, and then, after seeing the music video, I felt overcome by Ai’s presence all over again - I was left speechless by how powerful the experience was. "Oshi no Ko" really is an immersive experience. I mean, you willingly open YouTube and relive Ai's death yourself. Even after everything was conveyed in the main story, the music video introduced new layers of emotions and concepts. Seeing how YOASOBI's song "Idol," which was about Ai, resonated with so many people really made me realize all over again just how significant Ai's impact was!

And then you yourself sang IDOL at the Strawberry Productions☆Fan Thanksgiving Festival 2023 (FanFest).

For me, "Idol" is a challenging song to sing even at karaoke. So, when they asked me to sing it at the FanFest my initial reaction was, "Oh, that might be too much!" (laughs). It’s not a song that you can easily perform live (laughs). It's a song that only an incredible artist can pull off, so when I thought about singing it live on stage, I was like, "Really? Me?" But when I saw the setlist for the live part of the FanFest, I started feeling like, "Actually, I think I should give it a shot." As a performer, I had some reservations about whether I could deliver the quality it deserved, but the "Oshi no Ko" fan in me couldn't resist. I was like, "Everyone wants to see Ai's voice actress sing 'Idol'" (laughs). After a lot of back-and-forth, I decided to go for it. I understood how Kana Arima felt when she joined the new B-Komachi. The joy of being relied upon by the team and the desire to meet the expectations of the work won out in the end.

Between “Our Sign is B”, “HEART's♡KISS” and “STAR☆T☆RAIN”, which is your favourite B-Komachi song?

That’s a tough one since they’re all A-side quality! (laughs) It was like, "Wow, B-Komachi is seriously awesome!" You can really feel the passion from the music team, like they were determined to bring the world of "Oshi no Ko" to life through these songs. It was also surprising to see how the series expanded from the manga into this whole new realm of music.

Was there anything specific you focused on while recording the project’s songs?

I tried not to change my tone just because it was a song. My focus was on making sure that when people listened, they could immediately recognize it as Ai's voice. At first, it was really hard to come up with a solid idea of what "Ai singing” sounded like. Usually, she's a pretty laid back and carefree, but she can’t exactly sing like that during a live performance. Ai’s a pro when it comes to entertaining the audience and enjoying the moment with them so I was constantly trying to find the right balance between Ai’s characteristic nonchalance and the high energy of a live idol performance. The first recording I did was for "HEART's♡KISS," and honestly, I ended up putting too much force into the opening line, "I'll send you a cheer." Since the song's theme is about sending everyone good vibes, I got too intense with my delivery. I got an ‘OK’ on that take but when I listened back to it, I felt that it wasn’t quite right, so I asked to redo just that part. If people didn’t immediately sense Ai at the very start, I worried that they wouldn't feel her presence throughout the entire song.

If you were to send a message to Ai, what would you say?

There’s so much I’d love to say to her, it’s hard to pick just one thing. Still, I think Ai was really happy in her life because she got to say "I love you" in the end. Even though her life might seem tragic to others, the feeling that stuck with me from playing her was a sense of incredible contentment. So, I’d probably just want to have a casual chat with her and watch over everyone together. Oh, but I’d definitely tell her to keep that door chain locked!

[amethystjewel01]

Yuuna Birthday Suit!

Happy Birthday to me! Huh? I know it's weird to say that, b-but I just felt like doing it!

Voice Lines

Summon Line: Th-There's so many people…but that won't stop me from having fun! Come on guys! Let's play some games!

Groovy!: Thank you so much for the well wishes! Let's hope next year is just as fun!

Home: I'm not sure how well this suit well…suits me hehe.

Home Idle 1: Tsunotaro gave me these really nice set of earrings. They’re beautiful, but I don’t know if I can replace the pair I have…since they’re my elder sister’s

Home Idle 2: Grim is being extra cuddly today, I bet he's doing it just so I can let him eat more of my cake. Well…it's not gonna work, that is MINE!

Home Idle 3: I almost feel bad for sharing a birthday with Cater…but he seems to be having more fun over it. Though I wish he would slow down with the constant selfies…

Home Idle [Login]: Normally I don't care for my birthday…but seeing everyone wish me a good one makes me so happy!

Home Idle [Groovy]: Everyone is smiling so much I just can't help but smile even more! Everyone's been so kind, way more than I expected from them to be honest haha!

Home Tap 1: Yuuki has been way more guardsy today, probably because she wants me to have fun. But I'd rather she have fun too!!

Home Tap 2: Honestly it's kind of surprising how many sketchbooks I've been gifted by several guys, have I been that obvious with my sketching during class? Hey don't look at me like that!

Home Tap 3: My makeup? Oh Vil did for me actually! Yeah it's hardly noticeable but I've never seen my skin glow like this! Maybe he wasn't that crazy about a proper skin routine…don't tell him I said that.

Home Tap 4: Professor Trein also stopped by to tell me happy birthday! It was a bit of a shock. But he does remind me of my own dad a lot actually, especially in age lol. Probably why I get along with him a lot.

Home Tap 5: You know a part of me is worried about getting older, mainly because it means less time to know what I want to do with my life…I just hope I figure it out before it's too late…

Home Tap [Groovy]: I can't believe Riddle made the cake...I'm not saying that's a bad thing!! I just...really didn't expect it. It was soo good too~

Duo:

Yuuna: Tsunotaro! You’re here!!

Malleus: Of course I would be. Happy birthday Yuuna.

Personal Story

Part 1

(Ramshackle Dorm - Birthday Party Venue)

Yuuki: Happy Birthday Yuuna.

Yuuna: Haha! Thanks Yuuki! Guessin’ we gotta start the interview now, thought Yuuto was doing it this time?

Yuuki: Like I'd let that guy ask the questions.

Yuuna: I'm sure they wouldn't be that bad…

Yuuki: Not taking the chance, anyway-

Yuuki: How do you feel celebrating your birthday in another world?

Yuuna: It's…unique I'll say! I mean it's not bad or anything! Just kind of...weird not to see certain family members y’know?

Yuuki: Like who?

Yuuna: Mainly my dad, back home I was used to switching between two houses a lot of the time. 

Yuuna: But on my birthday if a party was being held at my mom's house, he would always stop by no matter what! It was always so fun.

Yuuna: I remember all of the things he would get for me even when we had money troubles. Makes me feel bad for how demanding I was as a kid sometimes, but he just wanted to spoil his princess.

Yuuki: What about your other family members?

Yuuna: Oh I can't forget about them! Especially my little sibling! They're as crazy as me honestly!

Yuuna: I remember how often they would just run around screaming their head off for any random reason. Not saying it wasn't annoying at times but they knew when to stop once someone told them to quiet down.

Yuuna: I have other older siblings too but…I didn't get to interact with them as much considering we all had a huge age gap.

Yuuki: Age gap?

Yuuna: Yeah hehe…even me and the little one have like an almost ten year difference. Some of my elder siblings are like hitting their thirties or would be forties actually!

Yuuki: “Would be?”

Yuuna: Ah…let's not talk about that…

Part 2

(Ramshackle Dorm - Birthday Party Venue)

Yuuki: Moving on then, several students have actually wondered if your hair is naturally two toned. And if not, which is the real color?

Yuuna: Really? Well it's not, but both aren't natural. All of it is dyed actually!

Yuuna: My hair is actually a dark brown? Well actually…I was born blonde, but it darkened over the years thanks to me not leaving the house often.

Yuuki: I mean I already knew that thanks to your roots popping up sometimes. But I thought it would be better to ask if you were comfortable sharing.

Yuuna: That makes sense!

Yuuki: So why do you keep it dyed? You never gave a reason.

Yuuna: O-Oh well…I don't really know. I can't really imagine myself with dark hair? I mean long blonde hair used to be my go to for my vision of myself, but after questioning my gender as I got older the vision just sort of…shifted?

Yuuki, You mentioned long hair, so you used to keep it long?

Yuuna: Yeah! Actually funny enough it was a dream of mine as a little girl to have Rapunzel length hair, so I always refused to cut it. Kind of ironic my typical look is this one now huh?

Yuuki: It's not bad, though now I'm curious what it would look like if you grew it out but kept the color.

Yuuna: That's not a bad idea, though the curls will be a nightmare to keep up with if it's longer.

Part 3

(Ramshackle Dorm - Birthday Party Venue)

Yuuki: Last question.

Yuuki: Let's just get the basic question out of the way- what's your favorite food?

Yuuna: Oh that's SUPER easy! Anything sweet! I absolutely love sugary foods and drinks and treats!

Yuuki: I'll say, I never see you drink coffee without putting almost ten freaking packets of sugar in it.

Yuuna: Hey! It's to get rid of any bitterness!

Yuuna: But yeah, I usually can eat extremely sweet things most can't. I actually have several fake teeth because of it, though it's my back ones luckily so you can't see them hehe.

Yuuki: Okay, but if you had to choose only one sweet thing. What would it be?

Yuuna: Ah…that's hard…

Yuuna: Hmm…

Yuuna: Um…

Yuuki: We don't have all day

Yuuna: I'm trying! I can't pick just one! It depends on my mood and cravings!

Yuuki: Then just say at least one you never refuse!

Yuuna: Uhhhh- Cheesecake!! Absolutely love those! The creamier the better! And the variety you can have of them too! Can't go wrong with a good plain one though!

Yuuna: In fact I'm absolutely ecstatic that you and Yuuto got me one! The kitchen ghosts did a fantastic job!

Yuuki: Actually it wasn't us or them. Riddle made it with help from Trey, said something about you mentioning it to him.

Yuuna: H-Huh?! Wait…RIDDLE MADE THAT??? IS THAT WHY IT HAS THE STRAWBERRY SAUCE???

Yuuki: I don't see how that would correlate to-

Yuuna: Oh my god- I practically gushed over it when I tried it in front of him without knowing! I'm so embarrassed!!

Yuuki: And there they go…

The End

[spiritualweapons]

Miss Missing You

Sonny Carisi x Reader WC: 974 AO3

This is my first time writing a reader fic in literally several years but this man is ruining my life and I’m here to make it everyone’s problem. This was actually going to be smut but then feelings happened and I didn't get there (lol), if anyone’s interested there will probably be a part two. Very unbeta’d and very rough don’t judge me I’m literally just a girl.

It had been nearly two weeks since you’d seen Sonny and you’d decided enough was enough.

You weren’t blameless, you’d unfortunately had your fair share of your own shit come up recently that meant you’d had to apologise on your way out of a date just a few nights ago. A sour ball of disappointment settled heavy in the pit of your stomach carrying you through the next few days and it seemed like no matter what you both did your schedules just wouldn’t line up. Sonny himself had ended up cancelling your third attempt to reschedule, voice thick with regret as he called and let you know he’d had a case come up that needed his immediate attention and instead had to spend the foreseeable future chained to his desk and whatever relevant case law he could get his hands on.

You’d only been dating for a few months, and while things had been casual for the most part you felt that the time apart was only making you realise how much you actually liked the man, leaving you with two thoughts as you set your phone down. One, you didn’t want to spend another two weeks chasing each other's voicemails and existing only on goodmorning and goodnight texts no matter how sweet they were and two, from the tone of Sonny’s voice you were sure he felt the same way.

It was with that in mind that you now found yourself standing outside of 1 Hogan Place, biting your lip as you tried to remember if Sonny had ever mentioned which floor he was on. Thankfully the security guard allowed you to fumble your way through your explanation, bag of takeout helping your cause as you mentioned you were just innocently bringing one of the ADA’s dinner. You found your way to Sonny’s office, sighing when you saw that his was the only light on this late on a Friday night. Dating someone who cared so deeply about their work was a blessing ultimately but obviously came with its drawbacks.

You took a deep breath trying to push down the panic that suddenly gripped you, that you were intruding or being a fucking weirdo just turning up out of the blue. What if he thought this was weird? What if he actually didn't want to see you at all and was just using work as a handy excuse to let things fizzle out between you both. You shifted your weight in front of his door, weighing up your options before biting your lip and knocking quietly on his door.

'Yeah?' came an uncertain reply and you pushed it open, all of the apprehension you felt melting away at the look on Sonny's face.

Shock and surprise quickly turned into a wide disarming smile, the same one that had made you very quickly fall for him in the first place and had you relaxing against the doorway now, relieved at finally being able to see each other after a monumentally shitty week.

"Oh man, are you a sight for sore eyes?" he said, sitting back in his chair and looking at you for a moment before jumping up and hurrying over to you, placing hands on either side of your face to kiss you softly. You felt a telltale swoop low in your stomach as you pulled away feeling pleased. ‘Not that I’m not happy as hell to see you but what are you doing here?’ He led you into the room, closing the door behind you.

You held out the plastic bag in his direction, ‘I know you’re too busy to leave the office but that doesn’t mean we can’t still have dinner together?’ You watched nervously as he looked at the bag and back to you, feeling that unease spread again, your face feeling suddenly very warm, ‘Uh but if you are too busy I can just leave this here and go I don’t want to get in the way it’s just-‘ you stopped at his raised hand, watching warily as he grabbed the bag from you and placed it gently on his desk.

When he turned back to you his eyes looked so bright and happy it near knocked the breath out of your chest. He moved in front of you, grabbing your face again and kissing you so tenderly you felt yourself sigh into his mouth, the tense part of you that was desperately missing him uncurling slowly with every brush of his lips and tongue. He pulled back, huffing a laugh and rubbing your cheek with his thumb, ‘I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately.’

You shook your head, ‘Hey I’ve had my own stuff to deal with, I just missed seeing you’ you said by way of explanation, ‘I’m not above taking the subway for you.’

‘Wow how lucky am I?' Sonny looked at you for a moment and you could swear his eyes actually twinkled, 'You didn’t have to come all this way but I’m not gonna pretend like I’m not happy about it.’

Leaning up on your tippy toes you pressed another brief kiss to his lips before turning to the desk, pulling containers out of the plastic bag, ‘Well I don’t know about you but I’m starving, I got a little bit of everything’ you took a seat at his desk, grinning as he sat down in front of you, ‘And I’ve been dying to tell you about my week, you’ll never guess what happened at work.’

‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.’ He muttered, taking a bite of food with a satisfied sigh.

‘Don’t make promises your ass can’t keep Counselor.’ you said, sending him a quick smirk.

The look he gave you in return was a promise that while you'd bought dinner he was definitely going to bring dessert.

[is-the-fire-real]

Preface: I sent you a similar ask previously (and anonymously) but I've thought on it more and think I can explain myself better (or at least more, which might make things even less clear actually. Who knows). This is not meant in any way to rush you, it's purely to rephrase some things (and I have a slight distrust in Tumblr's actual functionality lol). This is probably gonna be a bit incoherent/rambly, so apologies in advance 😅

So, I have always been a Christian, and we've gone to a wide variety of churches over the years, mostly Baptist, Church of G-d, and Assembly of G-d. I. . . haven't felt very at-home at any of them. I have had a lot of struggles within my faith, particularly when it came to standard beliefs about hell, the impending rapture, and the significance of speaking in tongues.

Going down the line: I very quickly realized that believing anyone outside of your own faith would be tortured for eternity is SUCH a toxic recipe for forming relationships with anyone who thinks differently from you, and also it was being detrimental to my mental health. After trying my best to study on my own, I decided I didn't think there was enough of anything to indicate that anything worse awaits people than the finality of death, so I decided that's what I believed and moved on.

I grew up under a rather constant barrage of "The rapture is any day now," and mostly just went "Yeah, alright, I don't have plans for a job or college anyways." Anyway, I got thrown for a MASSIVE loop when I turned eighteen, and even now only feel like I'm just starting to develop an idea of what I want to do with my life. I have so many relatives that talk about the rapture like it's their only reason to keep going. I just try to tune them out.

I never was able to speak in tongues. I had a lot of pastors/youth ministers saying it was a crucial part of being saved. I spent a lot of nights crying, pleading, begging to be saved. I ultimately just had to hope that maybe they were wrong. (I also had a youth pastor say that the only thing that mattered to be saved was to convert someone else to Christianity. He straight-up said it didn't even matter if you prayed. I was six.)

And I mean, there's also the matter of the immense amounts of bigotry and hypocrisy. That's a big one too. It's why I have always been too ashamed to actually say I was a Christian.

A long time ago, I decided that *my* Christian faith boiled down to 1. Believing in G-d, 2. Believing that G-d loves us, 3. Believing He wants us to love other people in turn, and 4. Everything else is peripheral to that. I still stand by that as a statement of my faith. I haven't been to a church in a long time. I'm growing less sure that I'm actually a Christian.

I've recently started trying to learn more about what Judaism *really* is, and like. Maybe it's just the usual "wishing things were different." Maybe it's just admiring the beauty of a culture that I'm so unfamiliar with. Maybe it's just rose-tinted glasses, maybe it's just wishing I could engage in religion with other people without such inherent shame.

But I look at it with such a feeling of longing. I've watched a couple of livestreamed services from a conservative synagogue about and hour and a half away, and they were beautiful. The Rabbi had very good and meaningful sermons (if that's what it's called in a synagogue). Most of the rest of the service was in Hebrew, so I didn't understand much of it, but it seemed like such genuine worship and praise. I got to watch their Simchat Torah service, and it seemed like genuine worship. And I've felt like I've just been going through the motions for so long.

And I don't know. Probably the simplest solution is to find a church I can stand, I know there's a Methodist one not far from here. Maybe I need to go back to trying to read my bible. Maybe I just *still* haven't learned how to pray correctly, I sure as heck wouldn't know. (Tangentially, reading about berakhot was probably when I went from "trying to learn more about a different culture" to actually "questioning my faith")

I've questioned just about every facet of who I am this year, so I guess it was only a matter of time until my faith came up. But I've also just recently reassured everyone that yes, I'm still a Christian, I'm just working through some disillusionment. And I thought I was telling the truth! But the question has still persisted, in a "what if you always regret this" sort of way (granted, I have anxiety, it's not *that* uncommon).

But like, I just had a conversation with my mom where she said, "Sometimes it takes a good-old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone preacher to inspire change," and. . . ?!? I just. . . I can't agree with that?? I simply can't believe that the best way to inspire change in people is to threaten them with eternal damnation.

And so much of Christianity is handled this way! Any doubt or question whatsoever is immediately "of the devil," and so I grew up constantly policing my thoughts out of fear that G-d would be angry with me! Which has almost certainly had consequences in regards to my chronic anxiety! But the ONLY correct response to any doubts or questions is to double-down on what you've always believed.

Surely this isn't a healthy way to navigate life???

The biggest concern I've received in er, HYPOTHETICAL discussions of faith is "But what about your faith in Jesus?". And like, I *know* this is the wrong response, I know it's the wrong way of looking at it, but: What does it matter? Either Jesus *is* a part of G-d, in which case it stands to reason that the worship is being shared, or Jesus *isn't* part of G-d. I mean, I know that really, it's about showing G-d's love and mercy, but like? Hosea 14 very specifically demonstrates both of those traits? G-d has ALWAYS been loving and merciful. Don't get me wrong, I professed faith in Jesus before being baptized, I sing all of the worship hymns. But having specifically sought out the Jewish perspective, it makes a lot of sense??

I just don't know. I don't even know that there's even a proper question in here. I guess if anything the question is "am I willing to betray my faith," vs "is this actually even my faith as is"? Carrying all of these questions and doubts and views, can I still call myself a Christian? Is that still preferable to seeking out Judaism, thinking that my beliefs will align with it much better, even though I risk sabotaging my relationships with my family and friends? I want to have a meaningful relationship with G-d, and I want to live a good and fulfilling life, and I want to maintain good relationships with the people I care about. Can those things all coexist?

Anyways, I'm sorry this ended up being so long. I'm also immensely sorry for all of the persecution that you and the rest of the Jewish community have suffered. Thank you so much for reading all of this, I really appreciate it.

No worries, I got your back. You don't have to apologize for taking your time to explain yourself; that's how we can come to understand each other. I am sorry for how long it took me to reply to you.

I was raised a Mormon, and I actively deconverted in my twenties, long before I looked into converting to Judaism. A lot of your struggles here mirror my own. I am going to address your theological points/arguments from the general perspective of Christianity, and then talk about your interest in Judaism. I am not necessarily trying to dissuade you from Judaism, but I am going to talk a bit about how you were raised first.

It sounds like you were in a lot of Charismatic and Pentecostal denominations. This is something that's hard to get other people to understand, because what's normal for you--speaking in tongues for your early faith, baptisms for the dead in mine--is so far outside the realm of "normal" for everyone else. So, to focus on speaking in tongues: have you done any historical examinations of this practice? I have--Mormons used to do it! It turns out that what we call "speaking in tongues" is an extremely new practice which does not have roots in historical Christianity. While there were individuals and very small religious groups (usually considered cults) that practiced it, it didn't take off until the Great Awakenings in America in the 1800s.

I think you are also right about Hell and the Rapture. The thing is: these are also very new practices that were not a part of historical Christianity! The Rapture was invented around the same time as speaking in tongues, during the Great Awakenings.

As for Hell, though, that might be my more controversial claim, so let me go over it.

If you read the Christian Bible from cover to cover in order to discover Hell, you will not find it. There are places that talk about "weeping and gnashing of teeth". There are places that talk about Hades, a location in Greek paganism. There are places that talk about Sheol, which is "the grave" into which we are all shoveled one day. There are illustrative tales that seem to discuss an afterlife, but with no labeling and no great detail. There are places where there is talk of a great fire which will permanently burn away sinfulness--but no indication that this fire will burn forever.

But, I promise you this: if you read the Christian Bible and you don't know ahead of time to interpret specific verses as being about Hell, you will not find Hell in the Bible. Ever. It doesn't exist.

You also won't find Satan. You also-also won't find the Antichrist.

The reality is that Hell, Satan, and the Antichrist are Christian folklore. This folklore has built up over centuries (in the case of Hell and Satan) or decades (in the case of the Antichrist). We know it is folklore because popular culture feeds into and informs it. There was, for decades, a common stereotype that the Antichrist would have brown hair and would have a birthmark on his body of the number "666"--because that's what happened in the very fictional thriller/horror film "The Omen". Nowadays the Antichrist is blond, because that's what he was in the very fictional and very bad series "Left Behind". Stories like "Spawn" and "Constantine" and "Rosemary's Baby" and etc. all feed into and inform our perceptions of Hell/Satan/Antichrist, because you cannot find these concepts in the Bible as presented by preachers, pastors, and so-called "Bible experts".

What's even worse is that the Rapture, to pick one example, isn't something most of the teachers who preach about it believe in!

Think about it: do you think the average televangelist who preaches about the Rapture doesn't have a retirement plan? Do you think they don't have wills? That they haven't sent their own children to Bible college to prepare them for inheriting their control over the church? Heck, most of the preachers who spent the last few decades promising there won't be anymore decades have died of old age in their beds, surrounded by children who have been prepared for decades to go on preaching that there will be no more decades.

Now, I think this in and of itself gives the whole 'game' away. The highest-ranking folks preaching this stuff do not believe it. Their behavior, the only way that you can determine what a person truly believes, proves without a doubt that they don't believe it and never did. They've found a grift. A scam. An easy way to rook people into giving them money and treating them like small gods.

The ultimate purpose of the Devil, Antichrist, Rapture, anti-queer teachings, and so forth is to frighten and manipulate people with ambiguity. If you're right and they're wrong, then when you die, you're dead and the argument is over forever. But (and here's where the ambiguity knife slips in) oh but if they're right then the things that happen to you will be horrible. From their perspective, it's 'heads I win, tails you lose'.

This is the issue you faced with your mother talking about "a good-old-fashioned fire-and-brimstone preacher". Please consider, for instance, an extremely common, Biblical phrase Christians often use to describe the gospel. The Good News. Ask yourself, in all honesty, what "good news" would sound like to you. To me, it would be stuff like "You've won the lottery you never play", "Your dog missed you and wants to jump all over you", "You're going to be a father soon", "Your sick dad can travel again", "Your busted washing machine just fixed itself", "There's snow on the mountains and you saw a beautiful cloud in the sky on your walk". Those would all be good news to me. There's a lot of stuff, I'm sure, you can think of that would be good news to you.

Does anyone anywhere on Earth, even the fieriest and most brimstone-y of preachers, really, truly believe that "good news" includes sentiments like "You will burn in a lake of fire forevermore unless you pray a set of magic words and assent to the importance of saying the magic words as a prerequisite for escaping eternal fire"?

Doesn't sound good to me. Doesn't sound good to anybody. Nobody would hear that and think Oh boy, that sounds amazing! Sign me up! No one. Ever. That is, in fact, Bad News. It's astoundingly Bad News to hear that there is a Creator who, to borrow Lewis's imagery, creates life so he can vivisect it. It is Bad News to be asked to believe that a creature who creates beings in order to torture them forever is in control of the universe. That is the worst news we could possibly receive. It is worse than there being no G-d at all.

The only way you could sincerely believe it is to be a maltheist--a person who believes G-d is evil. You will note that people who do functionally believe this, by the way, tend to deny G-d's goodness--a significant theme in the Bible, even in the Christian version of the Bible--and emphatically focus on G-d's holiness, as though holiness is a trump card that cancels out goodness. "Sure, G-d is good, but He's also holy," they say, clutching their children to themselves tighter, knowing that G-d is holy and therefore not good (what's the opposite of "good"? Not "better"!) and that G-d will take their children and burn them forever unless they pray harder, and teach their kids to pray.

Better do it if you know what's good for you.

In other words, Hell and the Rapture and similar theological concepts are ideas created in the past couple of centuries by humans who wanted to create an eternal hostage situation. This is a very common theme throughout authoritarian Christianity. It is not, however, a requirement for Christianity. There are schools of Christian thought as well as individual Christians who reject Hell, etc., outright. Non-Nicene Christians can flat-out acknowledge that Hell doesn't exist in the Bible. Nicene Christians (those who believe in the Nicene Creed) can argue that when Jesus "descended to Hell", he destroyed it forever and liberated those within it. (That is what "the harrowing of Hell" means, theologically.)

You could, therefore, consider other modes of Christianity which maintain a belief in Jesus as G-d without necessarily converting to Judaism. This is, in some ways, going to be easier and more comfortable for you than converting. Judaism is not "Christianity minus the parts of Christianity which you personally find uncomfortable". Judaism doesn't exist to heal our psychic wounds from our theological upbringings. Again, I'm not telling you that you must remain a Christian. But it is something important to consider: is your issue with the folklore Christians add to Christianity, or is it with Christianity?

I suggest you look into concepts like "religious trauma" and "Rapture anxiety". Do not look up these concepts on places like Tumblr--go to scholarly articles. There are writers, Christians as well as atheists, psychiatrists and psychologists and experienced folks, who write eloquently on the subject. There are many, many resources out there and places where you can find support.

So, about whether or not you believe in Jesus: this is what most Christians would consider to be a dealbreaker question. At a certain point, boundaries are drawn and definitions are set, and to participate in a group, you have to fit within those boundaries and meet the definition. Belief in Jesus as a part of God (Trinitarianism) or as the Son of God (non-Trinitarianism) is vital to being a Christian. If you do not believe this, then you are a theist, but not a Christian.

Addressing this is the start of your internal wisdom. If you don't believe in Jesus, that's okay. The majority of humans on Earth right now do not believe in Jesus as G-d. The vast majority of humans who have ever lived did not believe in Jesus as G-d. You have been taught to view this fact as a heartbreaking tragedy. The beginning of your reprogramming, of you giving yourself permission to reject certain ideas, is perceiving this as a fact and not a tragedy.

Now, to your questions about converting to Judaism.

There are a lot of questions, not for me, but for you about whether or not converting is for you. You will have to answer those for yourself, but I'm going to try and guide you by providing you some of those questions.

Converting is a long process. The shortest conversions I'm aware of take many months. Mine is probably on the shorter side of average; it should take me a year and a half if everything stays on track for me. The classes won't just be showing up for a Zoom call or a physical class for an hour a week. You will have to read MANY books to get caught up on thousands of years of history. You will also be expected to do reports and turn in assignments and the like. The people who've dropped out of converting who started alongside me are folks in their 20s who did not have the free time to dedicate to another class. Do you have the time and the willingness to invest your time--perhaps free time you might have spent in fandom pursuits or on social media--into conversion classes?

Also, you should take classes from the philosophical group of Jews you plan on primarily attending with, because the odds are high that the Rabbi who teaches your classes will sponsor you. Do you know which philosophical group/denomination you want to convert to? If so, have you looked into what classes are available in your area for that specific group?

If you go Masorti/Conservative, you will be expected to read liturgical Hebrew when you go to the beit din. You probably won't have to speak modern Hebrew fluently, but it would help. Do you also have the time to learn an entirely new alphabet, or possibly, a whole new language?

How did you feel about recent and historical antisemitic violence? How do you feel about being potentially targeted by this sort of violence? I understand that this is very scary to contemplate, but it is absolutely a part of the process: understanding if your longing outweighs your fear.

The thing about Judaism being a closed/semi-closed practice is that, ultimately, conversion is not about you. It's a humbling experience. You are petitioning to be adopted by a family. A major Jewish religious principle is that all Jews are responsible for the behavior of other Jews. This is why prayers of repentance are usually phrased collectively--we have lied instead of I have lied. The Jewish community will want to know what you're bringing to the table. I will point out that the vast majority of Jews I've met have been extremely welcoming, because converting right now will show a level of seriousness on your part due to the risk… but still. Are you willing to accept that converting is about the Jewish community welcoming you, and not just about you wanting to join the Jewish community?

There are bigoted and hypocritical Jews. Just like every other community on Earth, Jews are not a monolith. I think that the most important lesson anyone can learn is that you'll always be alone if you want to avoid bigotry and hypocrisy, and even then, you might still not avoid them. Because there are so few Jews, it is actually more likely that you will be expected to argue with--but also worship and practice with--Jews who strongly disagree with you on a variety of subjects. Even if they aren't in your shul, they will definitely be out there in the world. There will also be Jews who think of you as a bigot and a hypocrite, and who will still embrace you as a Jew. The question is: is the problem you have with bigoted/hypocritical Christians that they are bigots/hypocrites, or is the problem that you are not socially permitted to push back against them? If the first, you should seriously reconsider joining any group. If the second, Judaism may be a better social fit for you.

Related to 6, there are going to be Jews who are bigoted or problematic in their politics who are grounded, thoughtful, and beautiful in their Judaism. Some of the most moving writing on Judaism I have encountered came from none other than Dennis Prager, who is generally a person I consider to be terrible politically. This is not hypocrisy on his part, IMO. It's that he's a person and people are complicated and contain multitudes. Prager can be horrific in his politics AND wonderful in his theology. Neither contradicts the other. Would this strike you as hypocritical? What would you do if confronted by it?

Generally, I would suggest that you talk to a Rabbi about your feelings. This is a meeting you should conduct face-to-face. Ideally, you should seek out a synagogue where you could see yourself attending. If there are no synagogues near you at all, then you can contact people via email or video calls. This is what I had to do because there are nearly no Jews in my entire province and none of them are Rabbis. I started out emailing English-speaking Rabbis in the UK, and they directed me to English-speaking Rabbis in Spain, who then directed me to the local community… who have since hired a Rabbi who lives outside the province but will guide our services. Rabbis are busy people, so that process of kicking around others' inboxes took a couple of months.

However you do it, you should tell the Rabbi about your religious history and about how you feel observing Jewish worship.

I think part of what struck me about your writing is that most non-Jews do not look at Jewish services with a sense of longing. I've heard a lot of goyim saying that such services are weird, that Jews pray funny and do silly rocking motions. I've heard goyim offer suppersessionist pity for Jews doing "hidebound rituals" when Jesus or the Prophet has "freed" them from such "unnecessary" or "wrong" practices. I've heard goyim express appropriative fascination, such as saying "Oh, this is how Jesus may have prayed" and then talking about how they plan on learning liturgical Hebrew so they can use it to pray to Jesus at their next Messianic seder. And I've heard atheist goyim dismiss everything out of hand as stupid Bronze-age superstition.

But longing? That's a different emotion entirely, and one I also understand.

I think watching those livestreams is a Good Thing, even if you choose not to convert to Judaism in the end. It's always great to expose yourself to open parts of other traditions and cultures! (I still kind of regret not being able to attend a Sikh service when I had the opportunity to do so.) And by the way, they are called sermons, but the other term for what Rabbis do during a service is called a drash.

I'll go through your more specific questions at the end, if that's okay:

The thing that makes one a Christian is believing that Jesus is the son of G-d and the Messiah. There's a LOT of variety on what those terms mean, but that's baseline. If you do believe in that in some way, shape, or form, you are a Christian. If you don't, you're not. You cannot be an atheist and be a Christian, for instance--and similarly, you cannot disbelieve in Jesus and also be a Christian. Whether you feel that way or not is up to you.

When you convert to Judaism, you will be rejected by friends and family. People will not only be actively angry at you for "rejecting" or "betraying" your original faith, they will suddenly turn massively antisemitic in ways you cannot imagine right now. The only way to avoid that is to not tell them you're converting, which is your right as an adult. You will also have friends and family who will surprise you with their kindness and support. Perhaps there are black sheep in your family who will reach out to you when they hear you're on the outs. I have a friend who's normally an edgelord who holds nothing sacred, who's become very empathetic and kind on the subject of Judaism in ways I never expected him to be. People will surprise you in both ways. The real question is this: do you want to remain in contact, as you grow old, with people who would reject you for questioning your religious beliefs and for being intellectually honest?

Yes, you can have that meaningful relationship with G-d and live a good/fulfilling life and maintain good relationships, but your definitions of what those things mean will differ.

That third one's important enough for me to explicate on a little longer.

Who "the people [you] care about" are will change. You will find new people, online and in your shul, who you care about intensely and want to maintain new relationships with. You will also lose people who you currently care about. Partly due to the aforementioned antisemitism, partly because you are at an age (forgive me for being a patronizing old dude for one second) where you're extremely likely to leave old friendships behind and create new ones. My own twenties were full of these changes. They included people who I swore would be my friends forever, my found family. The thing is that most of those changes were, in retrospect, for the best. Some of those "friends forever" folks were abusive and I only really appreciated that once they were gone. Some others were just not good fits for me. Others noticed me changing for the better and no longer wanted to be around me! And as I became a healthier person, those unfulfilling friendships were replaced, one by one, with better ones.

Which also ended, because moving and time passage still means you change and so do they, and that's okay.

I would try very hard not to worry about keeping people in your life forever. Some will leave for good. Some will leave and then come back later, having changed into better people. Some will stay and change to help you. Some will stay and try to drag you down into remaining the person they want you to be, and force you to leave. You will develop wisdom that will permit you to tell the difference. You'll mourn, you'll process, and you'll move on--telling your new friends in your Intro to Judaism class about how this person you could not live without rejected you, and commiserating when they all have similar stories.

What you mean by a good/fulfilling life is also going to change. Jewish ethics are, I'd argue, even more important than what folks would refer to as Jewish theology (and I'd also say they are inextricably inseparable, but that's my own opinion). My own Intro to Judaism class has spent more time on ethics than any other subject. That is because a great deal of the class is decolonization of thought. There's a loooooot of the Rabbi trying to unteach Christian thought and pointing us in the direction of Jewish thought.

Christian ethics, at this stage of Christianity, is largely negative (DON'T do certain things) and lacking in explanation (because the Bible says not to). Most importantly, though, Christian ethics are rooted in maintaining a hierarchy. Rather than empowering lay Christians to think for themselves, Christians are encouraged to think of what Jesus would do. If they don't have an answer to that, they are expected to ask their religious leader, who tells them what to do, and more importantly, what to believe.

Since belief is the defining aspect of what makes someone a Christian or not, that means belief (and therefore thought) must be policed and controlled whenever possible as part of Christian ethics. Hence, for instance, modern-day interpretations of the assertion that thinking of murder is the same as committing it leading preachers to announce that they would be cold-blooded murderers were it not for Jesus.

Judaism is more about empowering individual Jews to think for themselves and come to their own conclusions. This is why some Jews are atheists and some are not; there is no Rabbi with the power to force anyone to believe in G-d. This also includes ethics. Jewish ethics are more positive (DO do this), and have multiple explanations for why each thing must be done in a particular way. You can also dismiss those explanations and develop your own.

Yes, this is in direct contradiction to the supersessionist meme that Jews are trapped in a bunch of Laws that control every aspect of their lives, and if only they had Jesus/Islam to free them, they wouldn't be trapped in the Law. Remember the whole "decolonization of thought" thing? That's what I mean.

So! Not to be That Guy, but what you consider to be "good" in terms of "a good life" might end up changing. And so will what you consider to be "good" when it comes to "good people". If we're being honest, your definition of "good people" has probably already changed. You have probably seen people who you thought of as "good" reveal that they are rabid antisemites over the course of the past year and a half. You have probably seen people who you thought of as "good" remain silent over the gruesome murder of children because those children were Jewish. These changes are going to feel intimidating, but they are necessary--not for you to become Jewish, because you might not, but because you're coming into your identity as an adult person. And it's possible that even if you don't convert, you'll want to be the kind of person who believes that good people cannot also be antisemites, and you cannot have those people in your life.

Whatever you end up deciding, don't rush anything. I strongly encourage you to talk to a rabbi, not about starting the conversion process, but about your feelings and why you might consider converting. Get comfortable with this liminal space, if you haven't already (seeing as it took me way, way too long to finish this response and I'm so sorry about that). If you do decide to convert, you will be in this liminal not-Jewish-and-yet-no-longer-really-goy for a long, long time.

[sparrow-in-the-field]

Tbitb One Year Anniversary Celebration Day 1

December 18: Choose a fic/artwork and talk about how you came up with the premise, what the process was like, anything you want to share!!

I promise I'm not gonna yap about The Cormorant for every single prompt this week lmao, but since this is my highest concept fic, I figured I'd kick off the celebrations with it!!

This idea came together gradually and, in a way, was in the works in my head before I even saw tbitb

As I mentioned in the first chapter's ANs, the main inspiration was the song with the same title by San Fermin (which also has some of the sickest album art ever; the whole album is pretty good too btw). Basically, the part that was in the works before I even watched tbitb, was that I knew based on this song that I wanted to write a story with a talking cormorant.

They're just such a cool bird, aesthetically and behaviorally. I adore those freaks and felt like they're the perfect vibe for a fantasy story. But I didn't know what to do with them yet, so the idea just hung out in the back of my mind for a long time.

At one point I almost shoehorned the talking cormorant idea into a stranger things fic, just because I wanted to write something with it so badly. But I scrapped that story for a number of reasons and tbh the bird wouldn't have fit right anyway. I knew deep down the idea deserved its own story.

Enter tbitb. The vibes were much more aligned with what I wanted (I mean come on, a rowing team?? for a cormorant related fic?? perfection), so I start thinking more seriously about the premise and trying to come up with a plot. I considered what I knew I wanted and what more I needed to get there.

I knew I wanted a cormorant to be talking to Bobby in his dreams (based on lyrics from the song). I needed to figure out why. I knew I wanted him and Don to have not seen each other for some time after some kind of break up and have it be a getting back together story. I knew I wanted Don on a boat, because I knew that would be their connection to reunite: Don would have access to get Bobby to the cormorant.

There's a line in the San Fermin song that goes "on this morning you will die but before then you must try to show me what you're worth" so I decided it could be a matter of life and death for Bobby to find this cormorant. Then I had to figure out why.

At some point I had the epiphany of "what if everyone has a bird? what if for some reason, Bobby has to go find his, or he'll die without it?" Boom, just like that I had my plot. And I was very excited that this meant I'd get to assign birds to everyone!

I knew immediately once I decided everyone would have a bird that Don's would be a hummingbird. Once that thought hit me, I literally went "okay I'm actually going to write this."

Last fun fact: I do a lot of brainstorming while I walk on a treadmill. The first full scene I thought of was Bobby and Don fighting and Pip going to Bobby's shoulder instead of leaving with Don. That's when I was like "I have to write this." Pretty sure I got home from the gym and immediately started writing it lol.

Sorry that was a lot of yapping! But yeah, as you can probably tell, this fic is just such a huge personal accomplishment and I love it with my entire being. So yeah, that's kind of how it came to be!

[8turning]

HII can u do a 8turn headcannon abt how they r like crushing on the reader and what they do to show the reader their love for them ?

thank you for this request!! apologies that it took me so long 💔

☆⠀⠀8TURN — when they're pining for you !

hyung line + jangshinz (separately) x gn ! reader ★ fluff. mutual pining. ★ headcannon

warnings: swearing. physical affection. let me know if i missed anything!

n. i have a similar headcannon here about how they'd show their love; this fic will focus more on how they pine for reader since a lot of my thoughts are already shared on that post!! ♡ also this derailed a bit,,, there's implied confessions HELP sorry 🤒

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀〈 REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED ! 〉

⁰⁰¹ : JAEYUN.

wouldn't realize he liked you until someone pointed it out to him 1/2 🤕

^ he would regret thinking deeper about what yoonsung had told him: "are you sure you don't feel anything for them?" . . . queue a montage of every single memory he has with you where his stomach did a "weird flip" that he never chose to acknowledge.

basically. jaeyun was fucked LOL

BUT despite his revelation, he managed to keep himself composed pretty well. he was never overly affectionate with the members so him suddenly getting lost in his thoughts a lot wasn't exactly foreign.

what was foreign, though, was his very apparent distance.

to be fair, he wasn't fully aware he was doing it. it was more so "when i'm around them i get this Feeling. i cant handle that Feeling right now," then he kinda just. goes somewhere else for the time being.

you'd realize it, overthink it all, and text him on a whim that you needed to talk to him.

he'd get so nervous and only then would he really think about his behavior and . . . yeah you deserved an explanation, even if it resulted in rejection for him :(

he wouldn't speak first. he'd want you to feel welcomed to let out any emotion you were feeling; you were the one who wanted to talk, it wouldn't be right of him to take over.

he'd know that no matter his reason, him suddenly avoiding you and saying "i didn't realize" wasn't going to cut it, so swallowing whatever anxiety he had, he confessed then and there. it wasn't too in depth, of course, but it didn't feel right for him to hide it any longer - especially after everything.

but, the silence that followed his confession made all the anxiety bubble up again, only for you to speak about your reciprocated feelings.

in an unknown way, him pulling back from you is what brought you two together in the end; strange how that works.

⁰⁰² : MYUNGHO.

he's not shy in the slightest LMFAOO 💀 it'd be more shocking if you didn't know he liked you.

it doesn't even matter if you two were hanging out with other people either, he'd make a point to sit by you during a movie. even if it wasn't a horror movie, he'd still tell you that if you're scared, you can cling to him (as if he is any better with scary movies . . . his arm ends up around your shoulder anyways).

he's not usually one for talking during a movie, but he cant help but crack jokes here and there, using that as an excuse to lean in closer to you and watch as you try to hold your laughter in, his eyes watching you adoringly.

myungho would pull you into your own little world when you're with one another,,, he'd literally be so obvious about his feelings for you i'm crying.

openly flirting and complimenting you non-stop,,, holding eye contact if you ever caught him looking at you,,,

myungho would literally tell you how much he liked you straight up 🤭 "i like you a lot, y'know that?" "i'm so glad i met you." "you'll let me stay with you, right?"

the only time EVER he'd get shy if it was you who initiated something. he'd actually lose his mind.

it'd be such a stark contrast to the myungho you knew previously that you couldn't help but laugh a bit whenever you caught him like that.

holding his hand out of nowhere or leaning your head on his shoulder is a surefire way to make heat rise along his neck and make him go speechless.

he's so open about it and talks about you so much. his members are SICK OF HIM!!!! /j

minho probably threatened that if he doesn't make a move soon that he'll ask you out himself . . . you'd get a message from myungho the next morning ♡

⁰⁰³ : MINHO.

bye he's so so playful and he'd be able to cover up how he truly felt pretty well, which was both a positive and a negative for him.

positive: he'd be able to hug you nonchalantly or tap his cheek asking for a kiss and you'd think nothing of it.

negative: you'd think nothing of it.

since minho often acts this way with his friends as well, he slowly becomes self-conscious of his actions, worrying that that's all you saw him as - a friend.

he'd probably slowly try to either a: be more forward with you, or b: reserve certain actions for you only.

minho would stop blowing kisses to myungho and asking seungheon to kiss his cheek. he might even go as far as to not be as physically affectionate with his members anymore.

slowly letting you come to the conclusion yourself that the way he treats you is different from his members.

if you weren't the type to fight against him when he acted this way, if you suddenly started reciprocating the same actions towards him, his head would start spinning.

if it was a normal occurrence for you to return his energy, he'd start to wonder if you treated your friends like this as well.

but . . . he never saw you cling onto jaeyun's arms like you do with him . . . and you don't look at haemin the same way you look at him . . . hm . . .

minho crushing on you would be hard to detect until he made more of an effort to let his guard down about it.

you'd pick up on his behavior change pretty quickly which only opened the conversation of "why are you suddenly treating me like i'm special?"

(hint: its because you are special to him).

⁰⁰⁴ : YOONSUNG.

he is taking this to his GRAVE!!! he'd try to be so so so secretive and discreet.

yoonsung falls hard and doesn't want to overwhelm you with how he feels and everything :( wants to try and soak in the feeling of crushing on you but every time he sees you he just gets so overjoyed and just wants to confess right then and there.

which is why he feels he needs to take this to his grave 😭 he's not sure if he will ever be able to fully "calm down" around you enough to properly confess to you the way you deserve to be confessed (he thinks you deserve the world).

tries to act as Normal as he can around you, but most of the time i think he'd fall kind of silent.

whether you're with a group of friends or just talking one-on-one, he'd get so wrapped up in his thoughts and become uncharacteristically quiet.

it was a constant internal battle for yoonsung. he wanted to be near you but also knew he likely couldn't hide how he felt for much longer.

unlike minho, yoonsung wasn't going to hug you or hold your hand out of no where. he did this with his friends, sure, but he didn't see you as just a friend, which made physical affection towards you that much harder.

the lines would get blurred in his brain and he feared if you reciprocated, even if it was platonic, he'd make an assumption that could end up hurting him.

of course, yoonsung was unaware of your feelings towards him as well, and seeing him seemingly pulling away from you, you subconsciously do the same :(

he doesn't realize just how different he was acting towards you until that moment, and as if his heart took control over his brain, he'd spill all of his feelings for you, doing his best to explain away his behavior.

and it worked - who could stay mad at him for too long?

⁰⁰⁵ : HAEMIN.

wouldn't realize he liked you until someone pointed it out to him 2/2 💔

everything would be going perfectly fine for haemin,,, until minho jokingly commented about how much he liked you. then that became all he thought about.

begin haemin's internal debate of if he liked you romantically or not! and if it was true (it was), how long? upon actually giving it a lot of thought . . . he's liked you for a while without really processing his feelings effectively.

and now,,, he cannot properly face you!! at least, not in the beginning.

everything hits him so fast and he's forced to process his emotions at a rapid pace now. he does a decent job at hiding his inner turmoil about the topic, but he eventually confides in kyungmin about it (though it wasn't on purpose),, kyungmin just caught him while he was dazed!! totally not like he went to kyungmin stressing about possibly ruining your friendship hahaha . . .

once he was able to fully "recover" and process everything, he's a goner. heart eyes are permanent.

just so absolutely infatuated with everything you do and say. comes around more often and always manages to take the spot next to you if you're with a group of people.

always always always joking around with you because he loves the sound of your laugher and how happy you seem when you smile, especially when you smile because of him.

in a twisted ending, haemin is grateful that minho made him fall into a crisis. if he hadn't, he wouldn't have been able to have these moments with you.

once you end up together, minho rightfully takes full credits for the relationship starting, kyungmin taking credit for helping haemin get over his fear of ruining everything between you two.

so - albeit his disagreement - haemin accepts that they should get some credit for their help.

but how it all came to be doesn't matter much, as long as in the end, he ended up with you.

⁰⁰⁶ : KYUNGMIN.

i'm not usually fond of the trope of someone who brings up the person they like every time they can but,,,, kyungmin does exactly that. his members get so tired of him for it too HELP (he's gotten into the practice of just,, thinking of you instead of verbally bringing you up so often).

his members' anger (/j) doesn't stop him though!! every chance he gets he talks about you,, the only time that stops is when you're around 🧍‍♂️

you BET the members are gonna poke fun at him for that too LMFAO

when you're around, he'd be much more into listening rather than speaking himself.

"platonic" kisses on the backs of your hands. "platonic" hand holding. (nothing about it is platonic).

kyungmin would love love love to rest his head on your shoulder!! whether he's standing behind you while talking with a group of friends or sitting next to each other watching a movie, he just likes the feeling (bonus points if his arm is looped under yours to play with your fingers).

he'd be in his own head a lot,,, daydreaming and such,,, even though you're right next to him 🧍‍♂️

if you were to nudge him while he was like this, he'd look at you with the most love-filled gaze.

he didn't have to say anything to you, just from the way he looked at you and the light blush forming on his cheeks, you knew. the way your stomach filled with butterflies as you held his gaze was also a great indicator that his look meant something more.

it was then when he saw how your gaze changed too - it changed to one that matched his own. with a deep breath, he'd squeeze your hand before a smile spread across his face.

© 8turning 2023.

[ohsayit]

Fishing out voiced lines (part 1)

So, I have been trying to datamine for the cut Absolute Zevlor. I can't seem to get the parser to work so I have only been looking at the dialogues from 1.0 onwards.

Couldn't find anything other than the one line on the top of one of the files that says he reveals himself a traitor in a conversation but with no actual dialogue being shown. At the moment, I am going through this video from 3 years ago, so pre release I believe. I am trying to fish out bits that sticks out to me that may possibly be part of the cut Absolute Zevlor lines, and also cheery pick some lines for my own liking. They will possibly will feed into the unknown HC of Absolute Zevlor of mine : )

I'd ask who you are, but I've heard of the Blade of Frontiers. I've heard he was a hero though, not a thug.

I have no idea what you mean, my friend.

Allegiance is a murky thing, particularly for a drow.

This is it. I pray I haven't led them all to ruin.

Who in the Nine Hells do you think you are?

(Speak with the dead) Finish..the plan...

(SWD) Go...where...they belong...

Just how much did that damn goblin tell you?

I..I didn't expect to meet a True Soul here.

I know how to pick my allegiances toom, and the Absolute has already won this war.

Ready, at last. Gods, how I've waited for this day.

That was close. Far far too close.

She was not yours to kill. We Might have bought save passage with her.

And you name me the traitor? Gods above, you are working with them!

It's good to know about your story at true.

Looking for information about her tribe. The same fellow who attacked at the gate.

And the Absolute wants them, badly. I will have my reward. I am sure they will be taken care of.

No matter this idiot overheard me. The others will never believe their reluctant leader Zevlor follows the absolute.

You, however, don't factor into it at all.

And so are you. If you ever interfere in my business again, that I promise you.

Shh. Not in mixed company, my friend.

To that point, there is something I'd like to speak with you about, but not in mixed company.

If you stop shouting, they might not find us!

Tilly, there will be time to explain, but we cannot let ourselves be divided now.

Do you have any idea what you have done? What you have ruined?

(SWD) I would have...sacrificed...them all! For the Absolute...

If these sheep can buy me a place among the wolves, then I will use them as I will.

What did you just say?

Ah, a new deity the goblins have taken to. I hoped the prisoner might be more forthcoming about their plan if she thought me had sympathise her.

Tell me what you know.

These people are mine. She can't have them.

I don't know what waits and I don't care. They chose to put their lives in my hands. Why thank you.

Around here? That sounds...dangerous. There is only so far you can push people.

You will soon find out how wrong you are...

You throw away everything I worked for. Why?!

(SWD) I heard tells...whispers...a new power...could raise up those who had been cast out...

Unskilled in the liar who convinces only himself

But they flocked to me when Elturel rejected us. When they needed a sword arm.

You..! Where did you get that mark?

What do you know about the Absolute?!

This one is interesting. It says he is not a Rider. I thought about if he was lying about it, but it doesn't make any sense. It's interesting to see there was an alt background for him. Though I am still die hard fan for Rider Zevlor. Delicious old man.

"I am Zevlor, by the by. Former school teacher, presently, well, something of a defacto leader to beleaguered people"

And he also have some voice lines that belongs to Aradin? lol

We've got a contract to track down some relic. And he wanted in on the job. Eyes lit up when he heard about it.

Well, this is going to make a part 2 to it when I am in the mood to carry on with my English listening test I guess :P I am half an hour in for 1hr 25mi ish audio recordings. Though I feel like a chuck of them are repetitive as I've already listened to.

Sorry I have to put the tag headcanon with this one. I don't have another tag for character analysis (my more written up gibberish) and these sort of bits of information and what not.

[violent-optimism]

A (somewhat organized) collection of thoughts/things I noticed from the new TF #7 Comic (Spoilers!) - Part 1

Hello yes, I have things I would like to say, please!!

Let's start with Soldier.

I think we all knew damn well this was coming, but I don't think anyone expected him to propose A MINUTE after where the last comic ended. They're so cute and perfect for each other in their own twisted way, UGH!!!

Also I love how Heavy says no and he blatantly ignores it because of course he does. Heavy clearly disapproves of this relationship, but I like to think he also said "no" because he understands that Zhanna is fully capable of making that decision on her own and in the end it's not his choice, it's hers.

Soldier has a LOT of scenes and dialogue in this comic and I don't think that's a coincidence. I think it was a very conscious choice to honor Rick May, whom this comic is dedicated to. All of Soldier's scenes were so good and funny and I like to think Rick May would have enjoyed them if he were still here.

2. Miss Pauling and the Australium

There is so much to talk about here but I'm going to try and keep it brief.

Now, this was always kind of my headcanon, but I genuinely think this comic proves that Australium has almost a corrupting ability for those around it (similar to the One Ring in LOTR). Almost like it brings out the worst in people, or at least the greed. Miss Pauling never seemed like a greedy person until she finally got her hands on the Australium. It really didn't seem like her and it was very off-putting (in a good way if that makes sense).

When I first read this I had this horrible, sinking feeling that Miss Pauling was going to betray the mercs and end up being the over-arching villain or something. Needless to say, I'm VERY glad I was wrong. But surely I wasn't the only one who feared this? I mean look at the way she's staring at it the entire comic! (except for the end).

Also I thought Miss Pauling was already second in command?? That's wild. She's done so much for the Administrator and she's not even near the top of the corporate ladder.

3. Spy saving Miss Pauling.

When I tell you I audibly GASPED when this happened. I was on the edge of my seat like I was watching a movie!

Between this scene and the part where Spy tries to comfort Miss Pauling when they're captured, it's obvious that he really, REALLY cares about her. It's so heart-warming that one of the (seemingly) coldest mercs is also the one that was literally willing to jump in front of a plane to save her.

Love it. Love it a lot.

4. Sniper and the Plane

Sniper, my beloved...I can't tell you how happy I was to finally see you in the new comic.

Out of all the things I would expect to be in Sniper's repertoire, being a pilot was definitely not one of them. And yet it just makes sense?? (he might not actually be a licensed pilot per say but the way Spy phrases the question makes me think this isn't the first time).

I also love how his only line of dialogue (I think) in the entire comic is when he suggests to steal a broken down plane lol truly a professional with standards.

I just love this shot SO much. Seeing all of them crammed into that tiny plane is such a hilarious idea on its own. I love how Pyro is reaching for the fire at the front of the plane (I think?) and Medic's hilarious expression as he looks out the window along with the baby baboon (His pet? His child??)

This reaffirms my theory that Sniper is just the designated driver no matter what is going on or what kind of vehicle it is. He looks like he's about to lose it on them like a frustrated dad at any second lol

5. Scout and Miss Pauling

I don't know how anyone else feels about this moment, but I personally LOVED it.

Because let's be honest, the trope of Scout being madly in love with Miss Pauling (and not receiving any ounce of affection back) was starting to become a little old and tiresome at this point. There needed to be some kind of resolution to it, but it's painfully obvious that things were never going to go the way Scout wanted them to.

And I love how he comes to this realization COMPLETELY on his own. Scout is smarter than people give him credit for and it's so refreshing for him to finally show some maturity and realize when enough is enough. It's time for him to move on and he knows that, and we eventually see him following through with it.

I also adore the scene that comes immediately afterwards. There's absolutely no hard feelings on either side and I just love their relationship for exactly what it is.

6. The Administrator Reveal and the Mercs Reactions

I'm not gonna lie, this was.....really fucking creepy. Like, it almost ventured into the horror genre which was not what I expected from a TF Comic (not that I'm complaining at all, I loved it!).

I cannot believe that this whole time Zepheniah Mann has actually been alive, and the Administrator has been keeping him that way and FORCING him to watch his sons pointless war for the rest of his life. Like...DAMN.

I know we still don't fully understand her motivations or why exactly she's doing this but in my opinion that actually makes it scarier. I like that we didn't just get all the answers on a silver platter and the writers still left some mystery, right until the end.

Most of the mercs do a good job at representing how I actually looked while I was reading this scene. Almost everyone looks either horrified or confused. Medic's the only one that looks more fascinated than anything but what else did you expect? lol

Part 2 to come!

[valle-de-sombra-de-muerte]

Homestuck Reread: Act 1

I'm gonna strap in and do a Homestuck reread. I first read the comic when I was 17, and now I'm gonna be 31 in a month. During that time, my opinions on it have varied heavily, so let's see if I can properly collate my thoughts about this comic that has dominated a good chunk of my life.

I actually did give it a reread back in 2021, but I never wrote down any notes about it. Time to correct that mistake.

Right away we're introduced to John Egbert, a character that I've also held differing opinions about during my time in the fandom. I've gone from thinking he's boring, to one of the strongest characters in the story, and back to boring again several times. I hope I can get a more coherent grasp on our ostensible protagonist.

Well, I think it's noteworthy that his introduction page doesn't mention pranks or comedy as one of his interests. Being a goofy prankster is one of his defining character traits, yet the closest thing to that is this mention that he aspires to be a magician.

John's "magic chest" is full of novelty items, so it's easy to see why this dream of being a magician was supplanted with a love of pranks so early on. Hussie conflates close-up magic with practical jokes, and while superficially similar, they're definitely not the same thing.

I think John's "passion for really terrible movies" is the one consistent trait he carries throughout the comic. (And yeah, Mac and Me, Con Air, and Deep Impact all suck shit. John really does have atrocious taste). I don't believe we see any further references to programming, paranormal stuff, magic, or games after this act. Both this and the love of pranks are what solidify John's enduring characteristic of being a light-hearted cornball.

The beauty of user-suggested commands leads to this funny juxtaposition. This also establishes early on that John is easily suggestible; even an absurd command like this is able to tempt him just a tiny bit. This trait (for better or for worse) is one I'd argue is also a key part of John's character, as we'll see later on.

A joke like this was only really possible during these initial months of Obama's presidency. It's funny how it retroactively dates this comic.

John (and I suppose the rest of the kids as well) only has three friends added on his chat client. That's depressing. I wasn't a very sociable kid myself at his age, but I definitely had more than three friends on MSN back in the day. All of whom I met online.

Dave is introduced in the very first pesterlog and already we can see that John is a very annoying person to talk to. Even though he opens the conversation by bringing up Little Monsters, he feels the need to name drop the movie a second time just in case Dave didn't get the reference the first time (which he obviously did, given his response). He's very eager to talk about his special interests, I guess.

This is the first time Rose (TT) is mentioned. Very interesting that the first thing we learn about her is that she apparently has been "mackin on" Dave and asking him to play Sburb with her. Even though Dave is likely embellishing for comedic effect, it tells us that they have a very close relationship, given that he's the first person she asks to play the game with. Also DaveRose Nation has been eating since Page 35 lol.

In the same pesterlog, we get this line where Dave mentions how impractical the strife specibus is, since people obviously aren't regularly engaging in combat. These video game mechanics that seemingly everyone abides by have no practical function in their everyday lives. Clearly world building was not Hussie's first priority when writing this comic.

Correct, John. It really doesn't matter what the characters select as their strife specibus, since combat becomes increasingly irrelevant going forward. Ironically prescient comment.

The GameBro article is hilarious. I love you Dennis, you huge useless tool. Did you know that Dennis from GameBro has his own tag on AO3? I encourage everyone to go read the handful of stories on there because they're all super good.

John has the audacity to call his dad a cornball for liking harlequins, all while he's standing there wearing Groucho Marx glasses and a wizard hat. It's telling of his lack of self-awareness and disdain for other forms of humor that don't align with his own (i.e. lowbrow) tastes.

Here Hussie take a Shakespeare quote and misattributes it to Mark Twain. It's kind of a whatever joke, not really that funny. But then he does it again.

And then again!

Is this gag really that funny that it warrants being done three times in the same act? I think it's fucking lame.

Rose's first pesterlog. From the context here, it seems she and Dave had an off-screen conversation where he told her about John's gift. Her incessant flirting with Dave is also so well known in their friend group that John feels the need to bring it up right away. Jeez DaveRosers can't stop winning.

Note that Rose says "John" here while in the earlier log, Dave refers to Rose as "TT". John also calls her "TT" in a later log. As we later find out, all the kids already know each other's names. The only reason they refer to each other by their screen names is because their intro pages had yet to be released and the audience doesn't know their names yet. I get it, but it does read a little silly in-universe.

Awesome advert. God bless you, GameBro Magazine. BROBLERONE

This page is funny if only because I doubt the majority of Homestuck readers realize that the last paragraph is basically describing a lazy black man. How many of them will read "tawny gent" and "listless octoroon" and think they're just nonsense words?

"Caret Cake" hah okay that's a good one.

Wouldn't it have been crazy if John's missing chunk of hair remained that way until he got a command to fix it or something? But I guess that would've been too much effort for Hussie.

After a bunch of sylladex shenanigans (which I haven't mentioned because I don't find them very amusing. They make up a huge chunk of this act too, which is annoying.) John has finally installed the Sburb Beta. We're not told anything about this game except what is told in the spotty GameBro review, which describes it as some kind of game similar to The Sims where you "play house." And yes, it does resemble The Sims build mode, but this video game affects real life! Rose sets about manipulating objects in John's room and even alters the dimensions of his own house.

John's reaction is... well...

He's not at all fazed that Rose is manipulating reality before his eyes? Are all video games in Homestuck's world like this? I mean, if every character has an inventory system with built-in combat mechanics, it might make sense? This is never properly conveyed though, and it comes across as rather off-putting.

I think this is where the flaws in John's character become really apparent. He's very... underwhelming. He's almost always in this weird neutral state and rarely expresses any strong emotions. When he's frustrated, it's more of a mild annoyance or a temporary freakout before springing back to this basic... I don't even want to call it a "positive outlook" it really does feel like he's in this perpetually neutral state of mind until an external stimulus forces him to act. No thoughts are going on in this boy's head.

Hell, even when he's excited about something, it's only sort of temporary before he moves on to the next thing. He comes across as very emotionally stunted and it's hard to connect with him.

Is there a reason Rose is fucking around with the bathtub? It's not in response to a command, she just does it. She doesn't explain what she was trying to do with it, and only apologizes for dropping it in the middle of the hall since she was intending to move it to the driveway before her connection was interrupted. (The driveway bit was actually a command, but initially clicking on the tub wasn't.)

This insanely out of pocket quote has to be a top 10 Rose moment for sure. John's uncomfortable reaction seals this exchange.

Here's where John calls Rose "TT" as I mentioned earlier. Also, no Dave, you did not tell him to steer clear of the game. In fact, you were the one who suggested he play it with Rose. So why are you acting all weird and telling him to avoid her altogether? My guy, are you jealous or something?

Planet Fucking Jupiter is a top 10 Dave moment for sure.

We get to properly meet Rose. The fact that she hides stuff from the reader and doesn't fully obey some commands tells us that she's definitely not as suggestible as John. It's also funny how she refuses to use her arms at all in response to "Retrieve arms," instead using her legs to hide the box.

Man what's up with this Sims-ass architecture? An outdoor walkway with no railing? And with the weather outside, it's a wonder she didn't slip and fall to her death.

The first "End of Act Flash" is okay. John is faced with the final seconds of the countdown while a suspenseful track by Mark Hadley plays in the background. It's okay, I don't have anything else to say about it.

Overall Act 1 is kinda dull. I know there are people who swear by it, who claim that this is "peak Homestuck," but it's not for me. There are funny moments to be sure, but I can only put up with sylladex shenanigans for so long before things go stale. The biggest issue is that John is not at all an engaging protagonist. He has no agency and feels more like a prop for both Rose and the reader to boss around.

I think this Act suffers from Hussie trying to re-implement the same kind of adventure game format and jokes he used in Problem Sleuth, but it doesn't really work in Homestuck. The characters in Homestuck have actual dialogue and are supposed to be more fleshed out, unlike the comparatively flat characters that comprise the roster of PS.

Don't get me wrong, I adore PS and I don't think the lack of character depth is a detriment. Rather, it helps to put more emphasis on the overarching plot and wacky puzzle solving. It's established that Problem Sleuth is "hard-boiled detective", Ace Dick is "dumb muscle", and Pickle Inspector is "meek and fragile" and the reader doesn't expect them to act outside of their tropes. They truly feel like video game characters that the reader is supposed to control, using their different strengths to progress through the story.

John's problem is that he is ostensibly supposed to read like a 13 year old boy with hobbies and aspirations, but his suggestible nature makes him read more like a robot that blindly follows orders. Homestuck Act 1 wants to have both the wacky adventure game story and more fleshed out characters, but the end result isn't nearly as impressive. Either commit to making another PS-style story where the characters are vessels for the reader's control, or a plot where the characters have actual agency. Taking half-measures like this only creates bad results.

Hoo man this reread is getting off on the wrong foot. Hopefully the next Act is able to salvage things!

Read the next post here.

[archivalofsins]

In a funnier turn of events after getting that Mikoto post out I am feeling more comfortable discussing his character. It was really bugging me that I was perceiving the fandom as an unsafe space to discuss plurality on a two alter system basis. It never seemed appropriate to gush about it given the things I'd been shown being said.

Yet, I was really happy with Double and the Neoplasm voice drama. Because it showed how diverse dissociative identity disorder can be with just two alters. Instead of just doing the same old hi I'm the totally good one and I'd never hurt a fly and I'm sin incarnate sometimes I just do bad shit for the lols you know.

The thing that most media does when discussing that presentation. I don't know how to really tackle my own feelings on it. It's like most my life I grew up seeing it represented as oh no, the evil one is out. As though the person had been possessed almost. So, it was very refreshing to see it be like, "Oh well, they're both just people. No one is as simple as just good or bad. They both have a variety of behavior."

It's something that should by now rightfully be expected when it comes to that sort of representation of it. Yet when it comes to two people always focus on the duality. The light and the dark the good and the evil. They try to separate all nice in neat like that without really focusing on the individuals. So, I was ultimately really pleased by Milgram. Though it could be because I'm more on the older side or just I gave up on looking for good representation and started avoiding anything thar covered it in middle school.

Honestly, I still avoid things that deal with it outside of Milgram. Simply out of habit of thinking, man, is it gonna be this shit again? How do I know it's not that shit again? Oh well, you gotta watch it, of course. I'm not doing that. I don't trust it. Yet with Double, there were just so many great things about it that really made me go.

Yeah, they get it. This is actually great. I couod harp on the lyrics all day.

Like favorite lines were,

1. That'd be good.

With the lyrics before it and how it's enunciated with so much longing paired with the visuals of him wiping the blood to look down into the other end of the train. It really fucking goes hard as a line. Really embodying the whole come on praise me for helping you I did good right I saved you right so hey where's my thank you it'd be good if you said it energy.

2. Doesn't matter if you didn't wish for it, can't get rid of me now. Just the two of us, relieved, aren't you? I'll protect you (us).

Just the enunciation the growl. It's just really good as if going oh you want to push me down well I'm not going anywhere.

3. "He's a liar," you said and made me out to be a scoundrel, why?

The fucking double meaning if this one line is just so got damn amazing. It's not only calling back to the ridiculous accusations lines in Double but discussing the audiences response to Mikoto. Calling him a liar claiming he was faking. But the second half is referring to the audiences reaction to John making him out to be a scoundrel immediately blaming the murders on him. Labeling him as the bad one without even a second thought. Only leaving him to ask why? Putting more meaning behind the line

4. Hey, I just wanted to save you, so why did it come to this? Cling to me hoist me up as your savior stand up and sing out your gratitude- So, why?

As though Mikoto is their asking why is your song like this you should be praising me. You should be grateful so why?

5. I don't remember a thing it couldn't be helped I'm Double (MeMe).

This line is super great because it's like John and Mikoto both claiming onus of their own songs. And John answering Mikoto's question about why his song is like this. Basically going it couldn't be helped I'm Double. Basically saying it was bound to turn out like this because I'm like this.

6. Why, why? If only I were never born, if only-

To me, this came off as John going. If only I had never been born at all, then neither of us would have existed, and this wouldn't have happened. Expanding on the idea that Es and Kotoko both bring up that his existence is the problem. Which most wouldn't immediately go they mean because of my disorder but go yeah fuck it you're right if I never even lived to begin with this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't even be here for this to happen and then the apology after these lines as if apologizing for having been born at its sooo good.

It has no right to be sooooo good. So, yes despite the incredible detriment that this week has been to my mental health and my anxiety literally being on a fucking hundred. Double has been the best fucking thing to ever happen to me personally. And it's so fucking amazing.

I love it so much.

[tr1ck5]

It's so funny how some people think that Quistis should've been Squall's love interest instead of Rinoa either because they think Quistis is prettier and/or because she's known Squall longer. Yet they conveniently ignore the facts, from the game itself, that:

1) Squall literally never liked Quistis in any way whatsoever, not when they were kids in the orphanage and not at Garden. He literally said that when they were kids, Quistis was "difficult to deal with." She annoyed him as a kid. Even after they forgot their childhood, he still didn't like her during all those years at Garden.

2) Then he himself pointed out how inappropriate she was being towards him because she's his teacher. It doesn't matter that she's only a year older than him; she was still in a position of power and authority over him for at least a year. If he actually reciprocated her feelings, their relationship would've been extremely inappropriate and she could've gotten in trouble for it.

Also, these same people like to claim that Rinoa forced him to become her Knight, or really forced him to do whatever she wanted him to do, when he literally made that decision of his own free will. He chose to be Rinoa's Knight because he wanted to. He chose to take Rinoa to Esthar and free her from her coma because he wanted to. He chose to rescue Rinoa from space because he wanted to. No one forced him to do any of that shit.

I swear, these certain people make me scratch my head and wonder if they even played FF8 at all 🤦‍♀️ @angelosearch @doortotomorrow @ethernalium

Listen dear anon, while I totally agree with you on all of this; I've learned a long time ago that people will ship who they wanna ship regardless of canon so I just let them do their thing (and that's part of the beauty of fandom!!) and honestly I've actually read some interesting Squall/Quistis fics in the past that made it work! While it's not my preferred ship *by far*, there's always room for imagination.

That being said, one of the big reason that I personally think Squall/Quistis doesn't really work is that they are simply *too alike*. Both of them have this independent, serious, lone wolf type personality, not to mention we can assume both of them were pretty much prodigies (Squall being looked up to despite everything and being top of his classes + Quistis becoming instructor at friggin' *eighteen*).

Squall thinking Quistis was "annoying" and "difficult to deal with" actually tells us a lot about how Squall also views himself, consciously or not, I think. Tl;dr: Squall doesn't like himself very much -> he and Quistis are pretty alike personality-wise -> ergo: Squall doesn't like Quistis very much. At least that's my reasoning! Now, I do think their relationship gets less tense as the game progresses (though I don't buy her whole 'oh I thought it was love but it was really sisterly love'. Girl was still crushing on Squall, but decided to put a stop to this awkward situation between them in her own way so they could both move on... Maturity!~)

And yes, her pursuing him rather aggressively while being his direct superior is of course one hundred percent inappropriate, but we have to remind ourselves that... She's a teenager. They're all teenagers. Despite the training and the weapons and powerful guardian forces they're still all a bunch of kids on the cusp of becoming adults, with the maturity and wacky hormones that go with it. Of course they're gonna make mistakes.

Look at me going off again oop lol

The whole "Rinoa forced him to become her knight" angle is new (and quite baffling) to me, I must admit. The iconic line ("Even if you become the world's enemy, I'll be your knight") wasn't even said out loud, the idiot said it in his head lmao. But again, fandom gonna fandom, whatcha gonna do!

[wingzie]

Hi!

Do you have a favorite moment back from when you were baby army that stood out to you about Jungkook and Jimin?.

And bonus question: for the sake of going back in the day and how we used to say “I’m going into delulu mode right now”, was there a theory you or someone else might have posted that made you say “ok let me go get my tin hat too”.

Thanks for being with us for such a long time, and thank you for creating a safe space for us!.

Hellooo!!! Thank you for the ask. Hmm... this might be a somewhat long response haha. For me, there was a certain time period as baby army that stood out for me in showing what their bond is like: When Jimin was sick after New Jersey. Side note: The VLive after the concert is LEGENDARY

Anyways, it was obvious that Jimin was not well in Brazil from the reports we got at soundcheck. We know from the Behinds that Jimin asked Jungkook for help if his condition didn't get any better. During TTU, Jimin stopped singing and got emotional. Jungkook kept his promise and sang along in the background. (For both days.) He then thought about jumping over to Jimin's pillar to comfort him, but thought better of it and thankfully waited until they were down.

This showed the upmost trust that they have for each other, on and off stage. There of other examples that shows this, of course. But it's the way they put the others' needs first over their own that hits me each time. They know when the other needs them and they'll do their best to be "There For You" no matter what. That connection is something that continues to beat stronger every single day.

One of my other faovurite moments is from "This moment right here is happiness" from KBS. Funny story: Quite a lot of Army had turned off KBS as soon as BTS had finished. I kept it on and continued to watch the ending collab. I think I confused both my own friends and people on my Timeline by screaming something along the lines of "AHH JIKOOK WERE SINGING TOGETHER CUTELY IN CONFETTI!!" Not many had kept watching like I had, so they had absolutely NO IDEA what the hell I was talking about...And then of course after that finished, Jungkook uploaded GCFH.

Another funny story is related to your delulu quesiton. I am not sure how I feel about the math theories. I somewhat believe in them, but those who know me will know that I absolutely suck at math. I actually failed it three times and never passed. It never stopped me in life though, apart from my inability to count to 13 apparently lol. Just before the release of Who, a GC of mine were talking about the 123 theories. I said that some seemed deliberate, but I couldn't tell overall. Queue Who being released, with Jikook singing at 1:23 and the song being track 13... It's still something the same GC jokes about with me today whenever numbers with Jikook happen. Thank you again for the ask and for the kind words. I'll always do my best. Happy to answer anything that I can! Much love, Becca/Wingzie.

[edennill-archived]

my complicated opinion on the canonicity of the athrabeth is that I think a similar document exists in-universe, and the interactions between finrod and andreth did happen (although perhaps not precisely as described; due to the sheer number of trains of thought present it feels likely this is a compilation of several years worth of conversations), but the actual document is different on many points from the one we have.

like I completely accept the andreth/aegnor content and finrod's vision (which I actually decided had to be the true ending years before stumbling upon that text lol) no questions asked, but the rest of the philosophy... I choose to believe other points were made in the real discussions because some of the extant ones just strike me oddly.

I'm probably esp not that much of a fan of the straight line to Christianity sections... and I am Christian, it's just that the idea really doesn't fit for me, I've never liked the "middle earth is our earth" conceit, and I think everything else not being a 1:1 representation really damages the argument — like tolkien set out as writing fiction, a mythology he would feel in his heart and be comfortable with, he didn't try to be perfectly accurate, and his later attempts at changing that were definitely too late without rebuilding the whole thing from scratch.

and I do feel he did realise that, the athrabeth does seem to be a little discontinued by the end, although maybe I'm mistaken, certainly he recognises the danger of becoming "parodical" unintentionally.

-----

the tale of adanel I take to be definitely non canon for reasons I've mentioned elsewhere (tl;dr fear can certainly lead to evil, but it doesn't work as an original sin, the problem with an original sin is that you have to be 1000% informed about reality and the consequences... the edain don't seem to know what they're doing), but it feels like a niche gondorian apocrypha... it's exactly like the sort of thing someone might come up with based on precisely three tidbits of information:

something awful happened at the beginning of our days

the great enemy was involved because how else

"huh, what was the worst moment of our own history?"

I don't think it's widely believed in, more an academic curiosity. maybe connected to the athrabeth matter by the author (forger?) himself.

[c-cw-f-saeko]

the depths of restaurant row (yokohama liumang headcanons 1/3)

hi! i still have less than a week of delusion allowed so who wants to hear my headcanons about the liumang!!! i shared this with oomfie not too long ago and decided to do more stuff to add to it :D

- east and west wings of qing jin

the thing about the liumang is that low-level and high level members live in a completely different world (as expected). 

an example of this is qing jin, the big high-end restaurant deep in restaurant row. only officers and higher ranked members of the liumang are able to dine in there without getting invited and it is known to be the place where a lot of secret deals happen. dining in there was common sign for the new and lower ranked guys of “i made it!!” 

qing jing do open up on many aspects that only high ranked members have access to. for example, each wing of the restaurant are entries into another level of the underground. 

until the coup-d'état, mabuchi and zhao shared oversight of each wing. zhao always had low interest in cabaret clubs and casinos so he took on the apartment complex. on his part, mabuchi wasted no time showing off his newly acquired second-in-chief of the liumang (and his prominent rags to riches story) by blowing his cash on women and co.

-> the east wing has tunnels leading into mabuchi's purgatory, a pleasure district and gambling hall, replica of the one in kamurocho.

-> the west wing has tunnels leading zhao's apartment complex, a three story building situated somewhere in yokohama which entry is only possible through qing jin.

- the purgatory (mabuchi's dream girl)

pleasure district mabuchi had built as soon as he became the second in power of the liumang. he had visited the purgatory of kamurocho before and wanted his own version under restaurant row. it’s maintained by the highest ranked officers of the liumang.

one way mabuchi revelled in his newly acquired notoriety and money was to indulge in women. he often visited cabaret clubs and spent on the most expensive alcohol. but for the the few times zhao came with him, the girls always seemed to be more interested in zhao than him. hence why he got the purgatory built, so there was an area he’d declared king no matter what.

his purgatory houses many different workers like (highly skilled in performing arts) female escorts, gambling dealers, street fighting competing in an arena, etc. mabuchi aimed to do everything on an even bigger scale and quality than the one in kamurocho. of course, it access is reserved to elites, tycoons and his closest associates. zhao always thought the endeavour was ridiculous, but left him to his devices.

since the purgatory's inauguration, lin lin was one of the most known female escorts there. as she was known to be a very good entertainer (lin lin sings very well, play instruments, and has a good presence). it didn't take long for mabuchi to fall for her. so, he did his best to woo and impress her by any means necessary.

one of the ways being how he named one of the business he was managing after her. it was the newest cabaret club in restaurant row at the time. zhao did kinda make fun of him for doing so much to serenade an escort; which at the end of the day would never accept his advances. however, mabuchi always thought zhao was wrong about that and they fought a lot about it.

(but zhao was right about it actually)

lin lin never really accepted mabuchi - as it was one of her goals to not get more involved than she already was (dating the literal second in-line of the liumang comes with lots of issues isn't it LOL).

as the coup d'etat grew as a looming threat over the liumang, lin lin moved from the purgatory to the said cabaret club. as it is a more normal job anyway and won't have to suffer the consequences of a potential collapse of the purgatory. she could easily play off sharing the same name as a coincidence as only a few even knew mabuchi named it after her.

mabuchi exiled of the city not long after that and relinquished its oversight to zhao.

tesso and zhao at the entrance of the purgatory

zhao introduced the purgatory to tesso shortly after he became the leader of the white mask branch, as a "gift" for rising in the ranks. it's at that point that tesso started to understand the world higher-ups (like zhao and mabuchi) lived in. this is also when he was first given entry to one of the wings of qing jin.

"zhao-san, what am i even supposed to do there?" "uhhhhh, how am i supposed to know," zhao answered, laughing. funny enough, it's not like tesso was a regular customer or cabaret clubs and stuff like that and zhao is the last person to give advice on that. tesso decided to have a taste for one night, to see how it's like.

this is where tesso meets lin lin for first time. seeing a new face for in a long while, she became his guide to show him around and let him know how things goes down here.

tesso and lin lin always share a drink for the rare times tesso spares the time to visit (becoming the leader of the white mask branch, he has less and less time) and they get along well until this day.

- zhao's apartment district

"tesso-kun, take care of this"

as he got into power in the liumang, zhao focused on building an seemingly normal-looking apartment complex that's connected to restaurant row through the underground. it was used for his assassinations 🤩 (there's a body dump in the basement that not the police nor the geomijul can trace back its origin.) zhao also concludes deals with his associates. given its construction, that complex is known to be the most private place in yokohama. not even the geomijul is aware of its use nor entry.

three levels of such alleys and there's an apartment of various use behind each door

in the midst of the coup-d'état and not too long before he left, zhao gave the key to his private apartment complex -- which finally gave him access to the other wing of qing jin. once again, tesso wasn't sure of what to make of it again being the only one of his peers to even have access to qing jin like that. zhao said he could whatever because he thought it would be a waste to not use the building.

(i'll explain tessohui more in another post LOL) but, following the liumang's change of leadership and transition into seonhee becoming the leader, tesso and seonhee got closer. then, he decided on sharing one of the apartment with her there.

given their schedules, this is neither their permanent residence. tesso has a few homes -- he moves frequently between restaurant row and isezaki road (subsequent apartment he wishes yua lived in), depending on the current job. seonhee is usually up in koreatown. they meet in the west wing usually when privacy is needed.

funny enough, every time seonhee has to get there, she's mad as hell 😭 all the way from koreatown with her sandals, her feet always hurt a lot. tesso says time and time again she should try out shoes like his because of this 😂

[galaxymagick]

bg3 playthrough 🗡️

after speaking with godey I spoke to astarion and I’m guessing it’s a glitch or just weird I don’t know because when I spoke to him instead of saying “gods you’re beautiful” or another romance line or something else he was just like "Yes?" the way he talks on first meeting himmmmmm. When I tell you I thought it had reset his approval to the beginning I kinda freaked…lol but I checked after and he was back to saying the usual "gods you’re beautiful" lines ..

edit: i just opened the save i have and his response was different, this time he said "keep your voice down", "quietly, anyone could be listening", "hmm?" and the "yes?" the other responses are farrrr more fitting to the situation than the same delivered "yes?" from before. it would have been better if it was a different delivered "yes?". if i got one of the others first i'd have been like okay. that "yes" doesn't fit. also i didn't mention but after the talk the kennel door locked on us the first time... i reloaded twice this time to check and it didn't lock - i don't know what was happening

but besides that... not me just checking my saves and practically alll the saves (mostly quick saves) while I’m in the palace are gone except the first auto save on entering which im sooo glad about but looks like a few others are missing too what the fck..😭 I have recordings where I can see some of which saves are missing but like where did they go!???

Did cazador somehow delete them out of spite ?????????😭

I even checked the steam cloud and I can’t see them 😭 I don’t know what’s going on. I have the quick saves from the graveyard scene after defeating cazador but nothing before at least 15 quick saves gone from after the auto save when entering cazador's palace. I think some of the Raphael fight saves are missing too and when I was at the house of grief, the guild hall and jaheira’s house I made quick saves then - all gone. So at least 30 saves just gone 😭 actually I think it’s specifically Wednesday’s (15th may) saves.

I luckily have all the steel watch foundry saves which are the latest saves especially glad I have the save where I saved after defeating the Titan but before I blew the factory it up and was like shit the iron throne

… but why would they be gone I didn’t touch them i may have deleted 1 save i saved twice but that's it..actually a lot seem missing from waaay before cause this doesn't seem enough for how i've been saving. Is it cause I have too many?? Or??? And in game half only have the little cloud next to them the older saves don’t.

I only have a dye mod installed, nothing else.

Ugh I knew I should have been copying the saves 😭 i don't think i can get them back right????

I’m overthinking it like I have what looks like everything besides those parts and I have my recent saves that’s all that should matter and I also have the auto save at the beginning of cazador’s palace so I can go to godey again to hear lines if I so wish.. I like to replay some parts esp when talking to astarion you know for my own interactions and hear his responses 🥺