#my mind's just been really funky lately and i don't know why

[fridayyy-13th]

i really need to stop staying up late when my intrusive thoughts come up again, they always get worse at night. i wanted to do some writing, but i procrastinated too long and now i feel too bad and when i tried, i couldn't focus. so i'm gonna try and go to bed.

[justin-chapmanswers]

Sorry if this is a bit rude, but how do you consider yourself as he/they or they/he? I am questioning my sexuality and gender at the moment and seeing you (idk if ur lgbt) makes me find comfort, if you can, how did you realise you were not straight and how I can find mine! :3

Oh golly uh. Let's see if I can keep this short and then bury it under other answers. <3

Labels are fun cause they're so funky and ever-changing as you learn more about yourself. So, firstly, don't stress about finding something so perfect right away and bounding yourself to it. You're still you, any way you word it.

Gender-wise I'm in a state of def preferring they but being chill enough with he. Like whateverrrrr. It's hard to get around societal norms and perceptions, so my expectations are calibrated accordingly. I of course feel that for people who feel more strongly about a specific label, it's important to fight for it to be recognized whenever you're in a safe-enough environment to do-so. But for me, the concept of pushing for a specific label or, even more-so, of seeing other people pushing others to use a specific label for me is veryyyy anxiety-inducing. I tend to avoid spotlight when possible. But at the same time, a lot of it just comes down to not wanting to be grouped/perceived gender-ly at all. I tend to use the label agender. But I'm sure a lot of people have similar experiences with different labels. I just, ya'know, wanna be me.

Gender exploration is funnnn. There's no one right way to learning about yourself. Some people know from a young age, almost inherently, some people figure things out a lot later. It's never too late. Some people learn with outfits and styles, some with looking to people/characters who they want to be perceived more-like, some with experimenting through new names/pronouns and feeling-out how being called different things makes them feel. If you have friends you feel safe around with all of this, on or offline, can't hurt to say "hey would ya mind calling me x-name or y-pronoun for a bit?" And if you don't like it, you don't need to stick with it. But really be cognizant of it feels right to you.

Then on the romantic orientation side, that's been a much longer journey haha. I was calling myself straight through middle schooler, bi for a bit in early high school, gay starting in later high school, then for a long while. Nowadays I just say queer. Labels make things easier, until they don’t haha. For me, if you imagine a scale of feminity to masculinity with like little pegs running down the line from 0 to 10, with 5 in the middle, I tend to find myself attracted to people in like the 4 to 8 range? Something like that. But even that's not perfectly consistent! There's never going to be a perfect word for everything. That's why I like queer as an umbrella term. It's also just a cute word, I don't make the rules.

Hence earlier when I mentioned that you should just feel free to keep it open and not close yourself off. Maybe nothing'll change, but what if something does? But of course, I assume you're asking from more of a place of just starting this journey. I'm trying to get my mind back to where I started with that. I think the first time the not-straight realization hit was when a friend of mine didn't show up to an event and I was all like "why am I so miserably sad that he wasn't there?" And then a lightbulb appeared over my head and out-loud I said "aw damnit." And then things have been weird and confusing ever since.

But in terms of giving advice, it's hard to not just be like "uhh idk just hang out with people that makes you feel gooey." But obviously it's more complicated than that. A decade ago, I was taking random "am I gay" tests online. But they're kinda silly cause the questions on those would ask me to fill in information about how I feel, but how am you supposed to know how I feel without the test telling me how I feel??????? So realistically, I'd advise private journaling. Just take some time, even five minutes. Start now. Write out who you are drawn to, in any sense, and how they make you feel. Especially if you're like me and have trouble self-reflecting unless I force myself to. Like. In a Tumblr post.

There's so many ways to explore. It's also nice to look at relationships in life and media and seeing if you connect to any relationship or long to fit into someone's place within a relationship. That's why representation matters, baybeeeee! But also, ya'know, talking to people goes a long way to learning about yourself. Trial 'n error let's gooooo.

And above all: you got this.

[obeymematches]

My friend’s been starving for Simeon content ever since I introduced them to OM! (which was yesterday) so can we get some random Simeon HCs? Ty

he been on my mind lately-

🩵 Random Simeon HCs 🩵

Domestic stuff:

I just know he is the fastest at changing the bedsheets manually, without using any spell. He got used to this, living with Luke; being in a clean environment is high on his priority list. Moreover kids tend to pee in their bed sometimes, in that period you get real fast at changing sheets and doing the laundry.

However he does like a good spell to help with domestic stuff, like doing the dishes. Though... I don't think he uses these often, only when he is seriously tired.

He prefers tea with coffeine instead of coffee. Has a very elegant, impressive teapot and likes to try various types of tea; you are always welcome to join him! Tries to have a limit on coffeine though, his self control is extraordinary regarding things like this.

Although he is not the self-care advocate of the bunch he does like having time for himself; he does like to smell nice but not too much perfume; he does like dressing well. Bet he is the cleanest guy after Asmo.

He is very knowledgeable on a very board spectrum; he likes to learn about ideas, structures, functions. He also knows a lot about stuff he doesn't really care about but had to update his knowledge because of Luke. You can ask him anything basically, the man is a walking Wikipedia.

Though! In case you find a topic he is not much familiar with, he is not too proud to admit he has absolutely zero idea about the answer. It makes him so loveable ahhhhhhh

Can't learn to drive a car to save his life though.

Dating stuff:

Listen I just know he is not as punctual as he wishes he was. I mean 15-20 mins of running late is normal when you date him. He is always apologizing because of this, but he does his best to get there ASAP.

He is the kind of guy to text you WITHIN 3 hours after your first date, whether or not he enjoyed it; he is going to tell you why he doesn't think you are going to work out if he believes so and you can't change his mind if he didn't enjoy the time spent together. On the other hand if he did like you he is also going to let you know; he starts flirting even more, gets more bold but doesn't cross any boundary!

He could get so obsessed over you; talks nicely about you to everyone, thinks of topics he would like to discuss with you..... imagine him sitting at the window, daydreaming of you as he plans your next activity together, his mug letting off steam, his hand holding his head. He already had peace; it is dull without you though.

Also imagine a dim lit room, you laying under the bedcover, him joining you with an adorable smile and a book in his hand. 🥹 He is there to read next to you when all is calm and it's just you.

Another scenario to think about is going on roadtrips with him and Luke! You must be the driver though.

Alsooo I think he would appreciate funky gifts??? Like buy him that strange shaped mug! Get him socks with ducks on it!! There are those mittens that are shaped as crab "hands".... yeah he would have a good laugh, appreciate it and use them. 😌

[lenaperseveranceoxton]

I know it's basically just self-harm, but man, reading the comments of any official Overwatch post on any platform has me bashing my head against a wall. Specifically, though, I foolishly just felt like reading the Steam comments on the recent post about the "Overwatch 2 Spotlight" announcement because I found it funny that Team 4 has otherwise forgotten to post there since Season 12.

Amid the "M*rvel R*vals better" slop connoisseurs (Don't even get me started about that damn game. It drives me up the wall that people basically just want to play the equivalent of launch Overwatch but worse. Franchise recognition aside, it still baffles me that it's gotten as big as it has. I don't CARE if the Crisp Ratt character plays like Tracer. I'm already Tracer!), there were comments about the game “dying” because it went "woke." No, wait, sorry, that's an outdated term. "DEI" "killed" the game.

Lena "Tracer" Oxton, the face of 2016's GOTY, has been a lesbian since December of the same year! In an era where people like LeafyIsHere were making it big on YouTube and convicted felon/adjudicated rapist Donald J. Trump had won his first presidential election, Team 4 stunted on all the haters and showed us the funky little time-jumper kissing their beautiful redhead girlfriend! They paved the way for LGBT representation in every hero shooter that followed, and I will die on that hill. Call of Duty: Black Ops 6 would not have a non-binary operator if it wasn't for them! I swear!

Anyway, back to the comments I've been seeing in Overwatch's official posts. Plenty of (totally fair-minded) critics apparently believe the game is "failing" because we don't get enough updates. Yes, Overwatch is supposedly failing because we only get one hero every ~18 weeks! ARE YOU KIDDING?

Maybe we could use more maps for the newer modes, but Overwatch is actually in such a good place right now! Although I still disagree with some of Season 9's changes, I'm still having a great time with it on a day-to-day basis. (In fact, the recent urges to play Overwatch have been distracting me from writing Overwatch fan fiction😔. Unfortunate.)

What ever happened to playing a game because you enjoyed it? Do people just not have attention spans anymore? Overwatch's current flow of content is FINE. It's okay to take breaks from games! Do you really need constant stimulation, a new set of jingling keys with each waking day?

Sure, I think Overwatch's monetization model could use some work. It was more satisfying to regularly play Overwatch when there was the constant promise of loot boxes rather than having nothing to earn with a maxed-out battle pass, but I understand it didn't bring in the big bucks. At the same time, I would assume Mythic Prisms could fill that gap now? Either way, it's too late. Microsoft would never let Team 4 take away such a large source of income now. (I do find it funny that people only complain about Overwatch's $20 skins when every other live-service game does the same thing, but that's neither here nor there.)

All right, all right. Why am I talking about all this? Well, the wording of Overwatch's announcement ("new heroes... coming this February and beyond") and the animation of Maximilien typing "43" at the beginning of Stéphane Cornicard's recently released reading of "The Pocket King" make me concerned that they're giving into the demands for more frequent heroes with Season 15.

(Don't let the flame die out, though, PvEbros!!!)

I won't tag him because I know he has a lot of shooters on this hellsite, but I am the most recent hero's #1 hater. (No hate to Conor McLeod, though!) Even with him aside, there are other heroes that I like as characters and don't mind playing as or against, but from a gameplay standpoint, they feel like unnecessary additions with fundamentally flawed kits. (In case you haven't noticed, I'm specifically talking about a certain Samoan here.) I think we could've stopped adding new heroes a while ago.

Still, if we must have a Hero 34, I think it's more probable that they will have ties to Maximilien, but with Stéphane Cornicard's heavy involvement in recent content, I don't think it's far-fetched to assume they've gotten him onboard to voice act a full-fledged hero, either. So, what's he going to do? Help his team pay their taxes?

It reminds me of when MomoDeary posted Lemon Tea art on her (now-locked) Twitter and captioned it with something along the lines of "Emily should be a hero, and her only ability should be blowing kisses to Lena from across the map to heal [them] 🥰," and you know what? I once opposed adding Emily as a hero, but now, I couldn't agree more. If more heroes are the only thing that can save this game, then I expect them to pay my taxes and/or be gay and do crimes. Only then will we truly be "so fucking back."

[chipthekeeper]

Andor S1 Rewatch Commentary - Episode 2

the adhd was strong with this one

Okay, episode two rewatch, part two—take two! It's take two. Because I couldn't hear it at first and that's kind of essential

I'm a day late because I was not really in the mood yesterday, and I did not want that to affect fun commentary. I mean I don't know how fun this commentary will be but at least I'm in a fun mood now. High probability of having to yell at cats though

Trying to be patient through this first arc but it's hard. I miss my children

Lizard! Or….slug…thing? I want it to be a lizard

These Kenari kids look like they're having fun. Maybe they killed all their parents. Just like, fuck it we'll do it ourselves……That was morbid. I take it back. Be funny, though. No one's ever thought of that before I bet

The whole mystery here on Kenari really bugs me. But not to the point where I am interested in theorizing about it. Because I don't care that much. But als—TIME GRAPPLER!!!!

This being like the first thing we saw in like a trailer was just the dopest fucking shit. I will never get over how fucking cool that was. Bangggg! And now I should see a shot of Vel because that's how the trailer went *sad grumbling*…..Who makes his headphones? I want some.

Aww Wilmon, he's so sleepy

Steelpeckers!!!!!!

How have they not made a Lego like, Ferrix Tower with him up there with his hammers? I need it. I need it!!!!

Cassian does have a dope jacket in this arc, I'll give him that

Looks like Bix has a rack of K-cups on her desk

Ugh. I don't care what you guys say. I hate Timm and it's not hard to hate him. Ugh

It always bugs me that I never got the chance to actually read that Aurebesh before they...just went ahead and translated it on the screen for me

I want my house to look like this. I don't have a house, but if I had a house…….It really does look cold as hell, though

Does Maarva have a TV? She's probably bored all day just sitting there…..Just kidding, her son is all over the police scanner

The Fest thing. I was so prepared to be so mad that they erased Fest, but that made me pump my fist SO. HARD. There are still some things they changed that I have issues with, but that was perfect

It really is cold in there, you can see his breath

*sits up and starts losing my mind at the bar scene* What is this shuffleboard game they're playing?!!! Ahhhh I need to know the Ferrix bar games!! Put that in focus please!!! Not that I don't want to focus on Bix but that's very interesting. I've never noticed that before

Again, Bix's big brown eyes are right. there.

Timm you fucking creep. Jesus christ

She definitely did not take a drink out of that cup. I hate noticing things like that. Timm definitely took a drink out of that flask though.

I want to play Name That Alien, but I don't know that guy :(

Noodles Brian part two!!! And girlfriend?...Hm, that guy's not in the throuple

The fucking cereal. Timm and Cereal Karn connected by the cereal. They're both bastards and I hate them both (sorry, Em)

That doesn’t make any sense Timm!! *dumbass voice* “Yes, it's not too late.” Drunk and stupid….Why don't you take your boots off?! I can't even watch this. This is the only romance we get and it has to be Timm for half of it. The other half is perfect…..Give Bix a girlfriend for god's sake

What's this funky little droid on the floor?

Oh my god, I just realized. Mosk moves just like my old boss that I hated. Just walking like you're the hottest shit that's ever lived. I wish I hadn't noticed that. Now I hate him even more……….How would all of these events have been different if Mosk was not such a dumb, aggressive bulldog?

She really does just sit there and stare at nothing all day

Again, this ship and these people, another thing that bothers me, but I don't care enough to theorize or make it make sense. Thankfully the rest of this show is a rich enough text that I don't feel the need to think about it, even two and a half years later

Fondor Haulcraft!!!! I can't look at this ship now without thinking about doing the Lego mod of it, which was annoying as hell

Luthen with a walking stick, not going to say anything about that….today…

Love how big the hotel is. You can see it even from where he is

*lethally sarcastic* Yay creepy Timm and his creepy socks. Jesus. Thank god he's dead. Oh, spoilers. Did he keep the socks on while they were—nevermind

I seriously don't know how they have not started selling these bantha plushies. You're just sitting on money. I would buy that so fast

Just…completely zoned out for like a full two minutes. It's not important what I was thinking about. Not for this episode anyway. We can come back to that in a couple

When that guy started standing up I freaked out. You can see him unfocused in the background. It was so scary the first time. And then he just opens fire. Insane. Shoot first, ask questions later. Later, Pincushion!

Listening to that thing that somebody believes is in English/Basic. And I have to say, that's completely nonsense. That was just as much gibberish as the rest of this

Xan and Granik!!! This is the highlight of the episode for me. Is Xan's across from a barber shop? Or are they just shining shoes over there? It is a barber shop! Somebody's getting a shave. That's amazing. I love not listening to what anyone is saying just so I can watch. Wait, Xan has the same computer monitor that I do? “Does it talk?” I want Xan's hat. Those guys are just cleaning that chair the whole time in the wider shot, but when it's close up on Cassian there's somebody in the chair hahaha [this whole scene provided an incredible showcase of my ADHD]

This Pre-Mor ship is just kind of hilarious…..Go ahead Inspector Karn, rouse the troops….That guy trying not to yawn *laughing*….See the thing is I couldn't really do better, so I can't laugh too hard, but also if I was offered the opportunity I would just say, that's okay, no thank you….And then if anyone tried to clap I would punch them in the mouth *cackling* ohh the lip bite

Hi Willi. You perfect bus weirdo

The DRUUUMMMSSSSSS *just doing enthusiastic drum noises* Yeah. Hearing those drums for the first time was a life-changing experience

I don't think I'm gonna sit through all the credits this time. So bye!

[curdled-blood]

Do you have any head canons on how Jango and Kuro met and started the black cat pirate?

OK SORRY THIS TOOK ME A BIT TO GET TO, I HAD TO LET SOME HEADCANONS COOK FOR A FEW DAYS!!!

I've thought about it a bit the past few days and I have a rough idea, but nothing exact. I've actually been tossing a few ideas in this noodle of mine.

So they never really gave us much background on Kuro and Jango so I sort of.. made stuff up,, naturally! I would explain it right now but I kinda made up a lot of stuff 😭 admittedly, I made up more stuff for Kuro than Jango ajfhabdban

Keep in mind, at the time of posting this I'm only on Ep 285 so I don't necessarily know everything 💔💔💔

I always figured Kuro met Sham and Buchi when he was a bit younger (late teens perhaps??) before he met Jango. Idk why I felt this, I just do. They were most likely some of the first members of his crew. For a little bit after that (idk how long exactly agdggdgahsha) Kuro been looking for a first mate but never found anyone WoRtHy eNoUgh

I think it would be hilarious if Kuro and Jango met at funky bar HAHDHAHA.. I can't tell if the two started chit chatting and (drunk) Jango was like "pSHHH. YeAh. I snuck agross thee grand line AAAAND I c an hypnotism poeple." And Kuro thought "Oh wow. This guy might be pretty useful."

..or thought he was full of shit. I personally love the idea of Jango proposing to be his first mate (ok slow down homo.) and Kuro flat out REFUSING because he just saw Jango as absolutely ridiculous, so Jango then just straight up hypnotizes him into letting him be first mate 😭😭😭

Ofc, after a little bit, Jango snaps Kuro out of it and Kuro is like "MmmmFUCK. That's actually useful. Fine. Stay." And I think over the years, Jango has proved himself to be worthy of his position because IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, though Kuro did insult Jango a lot, he would occasionally talk about how lethal he still was. I think all of this happened very early on in the history of the Black Car Pirates :3

UHMM YA!! THANK YOU ANON I LOVE YOU ANON I LOVE U THANK YOU FOR ASKING ABOUT MY POOKIES WJDHWHRHWHRJWJ

[kedamo-nogetoffthetable]

A collection of poems I've posted on Sky: CoTL through shared messages over the months

I beg y'all, if you recognize any of these PLEASE tell me that you've seen them

"Somedays it feels like you ripped my heart out instead. -S." Placed in the Wasteland Battlefield, near the Lookout spirit

"You put your greed above the safety of your people. You let it fester and rot you from within. Why must my siblings and I - mere children - fix your mistakes?" Can't remember. Very old poem, I think it was in Home or Forest.

"How much longer must I have to wait to feel your warmth again? -S." I believe was in the first Wasteland area, right after the social space.

"There was a day I looked up to you with wonder, and in return you inspired me. That day is far in the past. Now I fear you for the monsters you truly are." ....forest???

"When I looked into your eyes, so dark and full of hatred, I knew I had lost you. -S." Hey Shin. I love you, i love writing about OC x CC but why did I have to post so many grief poems that I don't remember where i placed them, wtf.

"I've loved you since the night we fell. How could I go on without you now, when I need you most? -S." DAMMIT SHIN.

"You used to hold me so softly. I knew i was safe when your arms were around me. Now as you tear me open, piece by piece, I wonder where those gentle hands went. -s." I swear to god you better have been in the wasteland temple you painful poem

"I've been finding it hard to sleep at night. My work has been used against me and those it was meant to help. I feel as though I'm to blame. Can anything I do really make up for what I let happen? -A." Placed directly infront of the Prairie Temple

As of late, I've felt rather useless. A soldier who cannot fight? What is there when I cannot even carry out my duty? I have a family bacm home, waiting for me. But I can feel my strength ebb away each day that passes in this tent. I hope I'm remembered." Wasteland Battlefield

"I am barely old enough to tie my own sandals, yet they seek my counsel. Every day, it's endless questions. How could I know better? I am but a child! They have ruled their realms far longer than I've been alive. Why can't the adults fix their own problems. -A." Isle of Dawn, just behind the spawn point

"I wish you would put yourself first. I have always admired your bravery, but it scares me to know I might lose my only family because you think you have to shoulder the blame. -t." Orbit, a few steps behind the valley twins

"A cavern that reeks of suffering and regret, home to a deadbeat who can't break the cycle of pain and relapse... I think I'd fit in just fine here." Slouching Soldier's funky ass giant bottle

"Let's suffer together, Soldier. We can sit in the inescapable dread of silence, recounting how everything went wrong. We'll wallow in our thoughts, convincing our withering bodies that we can't fix anything. Lets be alone together." Placed in the comments of the poem above.

"My memories sing of warm, golden sands. They do not recall this cold, green desert. What has become of our home?" Golden Wasteland, right before the temple w/ first krill

"Eden was the heart of our civilization, and the Vault was our mind. They are both broken beyond repair. What does that say about us? We built this kingdom, and in the same breath we destroyed it." Vault box area. Really wish I said 'with the same hands' not breath

"The touch of your hands is seared into my flesh. Every scar on my body is testament to the pain I was subjected to in your rage. I trace each mark and weep, mourning the person you once were. -s" SHIINNNNN.... I think all of their grief was in wasteland.

"I miss when we could dance in the rain without a care in the world. -s." Forest Brook, Underneath the bridge

"The stars are especially bright tonight. Are you watching me, Mother? -....." Valley of Triumph Hot Spring

^ there was another poem similar to this, in the same spot.

"I remember playing in the rain as a child. Now these memories bringg me pain, with the knowledge that my children will never experience that."

"I wish the skies were still full of light creatures. Every day I am forced to bear hearing the mantas, crying from their cages... The Elders must be cruel and heartless to do this without guilt." Valley of Triumph Hot Spring

note:

"Sweet child of the lilac dawn. I can't help but wonder of your pain. How had you felt, when your mother held you for the last time? When you could no longer recognize the child in the mirror? As your kingdom lay dying, did you blame yourself, too?" Home, right infront of Eden.

Most if not all of these are intended to be letters from OCs, canon Elders (including Resh/Alef), or ambiguous/unnamed ancestors and sky kids.

Close to nothing on here was a vent or my personal feelings. I feel like I have to put this note because a LOT of people would comment on my poems hoping for me to get better.

On my letter from Ayin, I got a comment telling me to praise god and he'll save me, and a multitude of "i hope you feel better :("

Thank you, but seriously??? 😭

And some poems may be paraphrased. A lot of these were written in a notebook, and had to be shortened when I posted them in Sky.

Will have poems added in the future, I think.

[daydreamsandafternoonteafics]

First Date

A Let's Pretend It's Love drabble

That one looks better," I mumbled, holding the navy dress in front of me whilst inspecting my reflection in the mirror.

I gave myself a final glance, deciding that I should go with something much more casual, tossing the dress on the bed along with with a bunch of other clothes I'd been debating on wearing. As I pad over to my drawer I can't help but think how long it's been since I've done something like this.

After a terrible landslide, the surface of my life was slowly leveling out and returning to normal. I was back in my flat, I still didn't have a job after deciding to discontinue working at Darby's leather but in other great news, Harry was back.

After coming to an agreement that feelings were completely sincere and mutual along with lots of amazing make up sex, we were slowly beginning to rekindle things. I was really excited as well as grateful that he was giving me the second chance I knew I didn't deserve. He should have given up on me much sooner than later but I suppose the heart wants what it wants.

We've been a lot more talkative lately and a few nights ago during a late night conversation, Harry proposed the idea of going out on a first date. Harry and I had gotten to know each other for quite a few months now and had gone to lots of places together that were considered date-worthy but Harry argued that they didn't count and insisted on taking me out for a "proper date".

So here I am for the first time in a long time, getting ready for a first date.

As I put the finishing touches on my make-up and slip into my jumper and a pair of leather trousers, I can't but feel jittery and nervous and I don't know why.

I mean, it's just Harry and we've pretty much done pretty much everything that couples in established relationships do together but a large element of that was pretend. We were now transitioning from a faux relationship to a real one and the thought of that was both exciting and terrifyingly uncertain.

I'm filling Ollie's bowl with fancy feast when there's a knock on my door. I can't suppress the smile tugging at the corner of my lips as I saunter to the door, peeking through the peep-hole even though I know the face on the other side of the door.

I am pleasantly greeted with the sight of him leaned against the door frame, arms behind his back and dimpled grin adorning his face.He's devilishly handsome as always, casually dressed in one of his funky shirts and I can't help but think back to the night at the Wild Spinx and how horrible I'd thought his flamingo shirt was.

"Hey," he smirks snapping me out of my daydream.

"Hi," I grin.

He gives me a once over with his gorgeous green eyes.

"You look lovely," he removes his arms from behind his back to reveal a bouquet of white and purplish flowers, extending them to me as he steps over the threshold. "these are for you."

I smile brushing my finger tips against the petals. I'm not sure what kind of flowers they are or what they mean but they sure are beautiful.

"They're pansies," Harry announces, moving to stand closer to me, " They're a coy way of saying "I think of you often" but can also be a way of expressing passionate feelings. Nothing really fiery or sexy was in season."

The butterflies return to my stomach and at that moment I'd do anything he asked me to.

"They're beautiful, thanks."

I stretch on my toes, planting a kiss on his jaw.

"What was that?" he asks, eyebrows crinkling once I've pulled away.

I grin.

"It's a kiss, silly. A chaste one. If it's our first proper date, there should be no mouth kissing, we barely know each other after all, who knows where your mouth's been," I answer smoothly.

"But, you know where my mouth's been," he smirks. "it's been all over you,"

I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks and I have to look away, unable to find a rebuttal.

"Hush before you make me change my mind," I chide. "what's on the agenda for our first real date, anyway?"

"Pizza," he pauses to swipe his tongue against his bottom lip."and later, drinks. There's a band playing at the Spinx, you game?"

I grin.

"Have I really got a choice?" ****** "You're kinda quiet tonight, you okay?" Harry asks, his knee brushing against mine underneath the table.

I shift my gaze to his gorgeous green eyes, the half eaten slice of margarita pizza on the plate in front of me has gone cold. The night has gone smoothly so far, Harry doing the typical chivalrous first date things like opening door and pulling out chairs. My stomach is still pooling with excited nervous energy and I almost feel dizzy. I still can't believe that this is real, that we're actually dating.

"I'm fine," I reply fiddling with the napkin in the lap, a lazy smirk against my lips. "this is just so, awkward." I blurt.

Harry looks up from his plate, dropping his fork and knife against the porcelain surface.

"It's me, init?" he runs a hand through his hair. "I shouldn't have gone with pizza, 's cheap, too casual. I-"

"Harry," I grin sheepishly. "it's not your fault. I'm just nervous, that's all."

The crease between his brows suddenly smoothes as a grin forms on his face. He reaches across the table placing his hand on top of mine, causing the butterflies in my stomach to swarm.

"You're nervous, yeah?" he grins.

"I know it's stupid. I mean, we've known each other a while and you know what I look like naked but I can't even sit across the table from you without my hands feeling clammy. And do you know how long it took me to pick out this outfit?" I ramble.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm nervous too."

The corner of my lips curve up into a grin and I lean across the table, pressing my mouth against his.

"Heeey," he grins, once we've pulled away. "I thought it was against the rules to kiss on the first date."

I shrug.

"Some rules are meant to be broken."

[sollucets]

get to know me tag

as tagged by @ranchthoughts, @twig-tea, and @troubled-mind! thank u everyone 💜🥰

do you make your bed? literally never!

what's your favourite number? 52. i picked it as a child and i don't remember why, but it pleases me still

what is your job? i'm a humble lil grocery store employee

if you could go back to school, would you? if i could quit my job and go to school and still have my same money, then yes, i should think so, but that's super not happening! it might be nice to have a second degree. i think history would be fun

can you parallel park? yes i can! i used to have to do it every day to park in front of my last house. >:c

a job you had that would surprise people? i think all of my jobs have been either rather generic or right on the nose for what people would expect of me so probably not. i was a nighttime gas station attendant for a fair bit of college, which could be a surprise i guess? everyone always goes ":0 but werent you scared????" and like, no, not most of the time, but sometimes you do it scared yknow

do you think aliens are real? yes, but real in a way that there are many real things i can't see and don't understand (protons, gender, etc)

can you drive a manual car? i could do that once and probably still can, but it's been a long long time since i practiced

what's your guilty pleasure? as far as media goes, i do my very best not to have things like this. if i feel bad about liking it i generally do not like it for very long. i would say the closest is being into kpop, but it's not like i keep that a secret, i just dont really want to engage with kpop fandom, so i dont often post or talk about it publicly. a real guilty pleasure is that i like cherry pepsi too much

tattoos? i have one; he's on my left forearm & he's an abstract little spaceman with a fern for a head. i call him my cosmonaut. i have plans for more but i never have the time or money lately

favorite color? we know this one already surely. 💜

favorite type of music? ohh, i don't like to discriminate hehe. my very favoritest songs usually have fun harmony or funky rhythms, though, and it's best if i can sing along

do you like puzzles? sure! i used to have a book of fairy puzzles when i was a kid that i love dearly even now

any phobias? i am afraid of all bugs, but i can be a grownup about most kinds of them. i Cannot be a grownup about moths or centipedes, which i am terrified of (using those words will cause this post to be filtered for me on tumblr). i try not to kill them if i can avoid it, since it isnt their fault i'm like this, but i,,, i really can't, i'm useless if i see one. when id find centipedes in my room at my last house i wouldnt be able to sleep.

favorite childhood sport? i did tennis all of middle and high school, explicitly because of ryoma echizen prince of tennis lol. i was on varsity! i also figure skated as a kid. both are still fun when i get the chance

do you talk to yourself? oh yes all the time. i keep odd hours so i used to accidentally wake my roommate cause i just kind of absentmindedly chatter abt everything

what movies do you adore? i am not really a movie person if i'm perfectly honest; i don't watch them often as an adult. from my childhood my favorite movies were kenneth branagh much ado about nothing, the princess bride, pokemon 2000, and return of the king

coffee or tea? neither, i dont like most hot drinks. apple cider is ok now and again but i usually drink it cold, and im horribly picky about hot chocolate

first thing you wanted to be growing up? i changed this answer all the time as a kid and i have records of me doing so in my old notebooks lol! answers i know about include "pilot", "author", "dragon", and "eowyn"

this one seems like it might be a little personal so im shy to tag people hehe. go ahead and put me down if you want to do it though; i will be happy to know :)

[strandnreyes]

weekend wip game

thanks @welcometololaland @orchidscript @alrightbuckaroo! I'm a one wip at a time person, but i'll try my best lol

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more).

1. WIP List

a chain reaction of countermoves (formally known as funky cabin to some) - the only one I'm actively working on at the moment

collab with @welcometololaland! (is this a secret? SORRY)

collab with @heartstringsduet!

Carlos escaping his past meets wanderlust TK au - hardly anything more than an idea

a few more time, curious time installments

a third story in the vampire universe (maybe. one day. MAYBE).

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

a chain reaction of countermoves. the only one with words lol

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

probably the collab with @welcometololaland because it's us

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

well, the only one I've written anything for is acroc so... that one

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

um probably the collabs because I've never done one and my mind is kind of a mix of ?????? and feeling like I've never written a word in my life

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

acroc - it's a style I haven't done much of and I'm hoping it’ll all makes sense, doesn't come across as cheesy, etc.

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

all of them to make sure the characters aren't sticking four different hands somewhere or something of the sort

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

I haven't been writing a ton lately and I can't tell if it's writer's block or if I'm just busy. maybe a little of both

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

okay I don't count this as a wip because I'm done writing it, but technically it's still a wip for you all and I have to go with my boy Lucky from meet you after dark. you'll meet him on tuesday! he's the cutest, sassiest, prickliest little baby boy and I love him dearly

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

ummm maybe the collab with @heartstringsduet ?

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

the modern day time, curious time installment because they're going to be so sad over their past selves and not even know it. the also third vampire story would also be very angsty for different reasons

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

I think the @welcometololaland collab really leans into their funny, bantering side and that's going to be really fun and full of moments that will feel very them. but also acroc is set in canon which really allows me to dig into some big thoughts and feelings

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

I think the wanderlust au setting will be gorgeous. I'm thinking small mountain town. (when I said this is barely an idea, I meant it)

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

acroc. this is going to be another fic where I end up doing a bunch of random research for. can't wait to learn adsfad

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

the collabs because I want don't want to let people down. I think acroc will be very cool if it all comes together the way I want it to

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

No, I wish. Imagine waking up and you already have an idea, that sounds like a dream (ha)

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

one time, curious time installment is historical, the third vampire story has well... vampires, and acroc has [redacted] so they're all pretty unique

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

the collab w/ lola. plotting it always has me grinning

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

not that I have planned at the moment, but I do want to write an outsider pov at some point for something

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

how about one for each?

acroc - the setting is a fictional place in Texas because I couldn't find exactly what I wanted, but I'm basing it off of a place I've been to a few times

collab w/ lola - if you think no one is capable of looking hot in a blurry, breakroom employee of the month photo while wearing a polo, Carlos Reyes is about to prove you wrong

collab w/ michelle - this is pretty well known, but it's inspired by taylor swift because it's us

wanderlust au - I got this idea about two pages into reading a book. it was all inspired by the setting. (didn't finish that book though)

time, curious time installments - the lifetimes I have ideas for are chapter 5 (baker/blacksmith) and the modern, canon lifetime

vampire au - the plot of this fic is making me laugh now based on recent events surrounding meet you after dark

following the rules and tagging 6 people: @reyesstrand @carlos-in-glasses @heartstringsduet @three-drink-amy @liminalmemories21 + open tag for number 6!

[nikkop123]

Brawlhalla Jaeyun x Jiro (FF)

6 months, 2 days, 3 hours and 14 seconds.

Make that 18. That's how long Jiro and Jaeyun have been dating.

The shadows were counting, and thats a good sign. Jiro found themselves to be much of the quiet, apathetic type, but that was always challenged somehow. Whether it be from the kids they help take care of at the orphanage, or his friends. Usually, he does pretty well with making sure people don't see through the mask, but someone could pierce this. Someone they'd let take off his headband. And no one touches Jiro's headband. Jiro knew Jaeyun was something else. Something, no, someone, special. On a normal day, Jiro could just ignore everything and continue his facade of his usual quiet and dark image. After all, it's to protect themselves from being hurt emotionally again. Jiro's sure they've have enough of that. Quite recently, they noticed Jaeyun had been pretty observant with them lately, and it was getting hard to ignore! But maybe Jaeyun was being too perceptive. It could just be Jiro's mind, but for some reason he can't stop thinking the worst. And what's worse, Jiro wasn't sure if it was infatuation or just pure pity sometimes.

" Jiro, you can say it. I'm you're boyfriend. There's obviously something on your mind. " The sellsword stood and walked over to the assassin, frowning with his eyes.

Speak of the gods.

" Is something wrong? "

Jaeyun really was a sweet guy, so Jiro knew he meant it. He always encouraged Jiro to talk to him about anything. That's his job. To comfort him. And he'll do anything to make sure he's okay. Jiro knows this. He has to. They're lovers of course, so that has to be reiterated.

" We think we're sick. "

" Sick? "

" Yeah. "

Jaeyun giggled with an hearty expression, smiling at how cute his partner really was. This is why they've been so quiet? Why they didn't feel like eating something earlier? Even though they had all day to rest, after tournaments, matches, sparring, and daily training?

" I-I mean it! I feel sick, and my head hurts! " The shadow-user groaned, pushing Jaeyun back a bit softly, glaring at him with a angry stare.

" My body gets all flushed all of a sudden, my mouth gets dry, my hands get all sweaty, and I just can't get you out of my head! " He grimaced, fangs baring slightly at the amidst boy. Jaeyun couldn't help but giggle. This was adorable. Not only did Jiro think 'this' is what being sick must feel like, he didn't think it was a bad thing that he was running through his mind all day.

" That's not a fever Jiro, it's love. L-O-V-E. " He snickered, brushing his boyfriend's bangs out and away from his eyes. Jiro grimaced, baring their fangs at their lover for his playful attitude. They didn't want to admit it, but they did find Jaeyun cute at times like this.

Before Jaeyun could spout more nonsense, the shadow-wielder decided to keep up the tough visage.

" Shadows don't fall in love. Shadows don't listen to idiots about their opinions either! " Jiro grunted, flicking Jaeyun's head as softly as he could, a faint blush spreading across his own scar and face.

" Hah " The mercenary sighed, grabbing Jiro's free hand. He was met with a deathly gaze, but Jaeyun knew all too well that Jiro was just shy.

" Well, whatever Jiro. " Jaeyun giggled, holding his boyfriend close. " Guess I'll go to Funky Fries all by myself~ " He teased, wanting to see Jiro's reaction.

Giving in with a kiss and a smirk, Jiro agreed to eat and rest for the end of the day. They couldn't help but think maybe things might be okay. Jiro wouldn't admit it, but they enjoyed being held. They liked the forehead kisses. They enjoy the tummy pokes and long talks.

But you didn't hear that from me.

[lightandwinged]

SO. I've been trying for a hot minute to get an autism diagnosis because even though I'm 99% sure I'm autistic, you can't really use that if you're requesting accommodations somewhere (like a place of employ or a school or what-have-you). I'm self-diagnosed, in other words, which is a thing I used to hate, but I've obviously changed my mind there because (a) who fucking cares, and (b) getting an actual diagnosis as an adult woman is a bit like trying to run a marathon in swim flippers. Like you might get there eventually, but you've been given such an absurd handicap that it's easier to just give up about a hundred feet in and take a cab.

The tl;dr is that I finally had an appointment and while I didn't get an autism diagnosis (because, as it turned out, the neuropsychiatrist I saw literally could not do that without my insurance then charging me several thousand dollars wtf), it was not ruled out; and I did get diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD (which tracks) and nonverbal learning disorder (which is new).

With the ADHD, I am not surprised because apparently the latest version of the DSM categorizes a lot of women's autism cases as being funky ADHD. But it also tracks with the way my life has kind of worked to this point, so even though I don't think ADHD explains everything, it does at least track with my shitty homework doing abilities, my failure to pay attention to literally anything by itself no matter how much I want to do so, and a whole host of other WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS, BRAIN, things. I have no idea what the next steps will be there--typically, I'd be like sure, let's try drugs, but apparently all the ADHD meds that exist are rare to find these days, so we're just going to put a pin in that and come back to it some other time.

And then there's the NVLD, which is.

Okay.

It's not a new diagnosis as a whole because it's been talked about since ages ago and thrown around as a diagnosis for people since at least the 80s, BUT it's really coming into prominence lately since Asperger's Syndrome was correctly removed as a potential diagnosis. The name is stupid because it makes it sound like I'm nonverbal completely, which I am the opposite. What the disorder actually entails is struggling with literally everything that isn't verbal learning; or not even struggling but it doesn't come as easily as verbal learning. Like part of my diagnosis was an IQ test, and I'm apparently a literal genius when it comes to verbal intelligence, but everything else was in the normal range, which isn't BAD but also when you're REALLY good at one thing and then everything else is just normal, it feels like you're bad at everything else.

Anyway, it's basically marked by exactly that, being really good at verbal intelligence and then having struggles of varying levels in other areas, especially visual/spatial and social. It's typically comorbid with at least one other neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, etc.), but it's not a diagnosis in the DSM just yet, so it's the kind of thing where knowing you have it helps with recognizing that no, it's not my fault that I trip over thick clumps of air and can't do math or socialize to save my life BUT I also can't really go into a workplace and be like "you need to allow me this this and this accommodation because NVLD" because without DSM recognition, it's not necessarily legally protected, which is bullshit.

But I guess that's what the ADHD is for.

IN ANY CASE. I've also decided not to give up on an autism diagnosis because it's possible but it's an uphill battle. I have to find the funds for it (because insurance won't cover the assessment), and then I have to find a neuropsychiatrist who won't take insurance so that I can actually get assessed, and THEN I have to get an appointment, but I want to have it on record, one way or another.

And also this basically has me pretty solidly certain that once I've figured out the fibromyalgia pain and fatigue, writing A Lot needs to happen because like... if you're Very Gifted With Words and not writing, maybe you should change that, or maybe just I should, idk.

[nervoustragedyluminary]

31 Nonbinary trans man They/Them pronouns only. Only started medical transition at like 27/28 wish I could've started earlier in hindsight but it's never too late. Adding some of my experience:

The things that made me realise I should stop putting off starting transition were :

imagining getting old as opposed to assuming I'd die young/of suicide and thinking about the kind of old person I wanted to be and how I'd feel comfortable in old age and that was a dudely person

( even though old women are awesome and badass and beautiful;not that anyone has to be attractive to have worth and even 'ugly' old people are fucking beautiful and worthful - I'm just saying I know some terf is going to read this and be like "internalised misogyny detected! you only transitioned because the patriarchy hates and devalues older women" no piss off also lol if you think older trans people have it any easier than older cis people - educate yourself asshats)

I realised that the idea of aging into an old lady was the reason I was having difficulty with seeing a future for myself and that it was the 'lady' part that was an issue not the 'old' part because I didn't feel the same discomfort when I imagined myself aging as a nonbinary dude & was overall excited to reach 30

Another thing was realising that if I didn't like T or the effects or changed my mind or realised I'd been mistaken that I could stop taking it and that would be fine and not the end of the world due to listening to detransitioners and retransitioners who weren't transphobic & also to trans women and trans people who'd gone through T puberty and had that hormone making changes to their bodies for yonks but were still women nonbinary etc and the sky didn't fall

- there is a reason terfs and transphobes who don't want trans people to transition only focus on and platform the small pool of detransitioners who are mired in self hatred and talk about themselves as 'ruined beauties/ lost fertility who are worthless to the patriarchy and thus miserable now' - it's to fear monger "you can never go back to being a woman if you realise you're wrong after a single drop of T you're poisoned you'll be forever dEsTrOyEd and marked and miserable so don't even try to transition medically in the first place "

Because once I realised that was complete fear mongering BS I felt less scared of starting T and then when the sky didn't fall and I was actually HAPPIER and more chill (still never experienced the so called T rage and I'm starting to think it's mostly about the same amount of BS as 'hysteria' is Tbh) I was like "Oh, dang why did I wait so long hoping my dysphoria would go away 🤦this is actually helping it holy shit"

Before any medical transition changing my name and pronouns helped SO much, as did doing mascara mustaches and sideburns and cutting my hair short and binding heck I even realised Id worn satin boxers years ago before I even realised what trans was or that I could be trans before feeling embarrassed and stopping,

I wore the uniform pants at school and had short hair then I tried to overcompensate by doing (in hindsight very drag like) makeup and growing out pigtails and then I'd get sick of it and cut my hair again then feel bad because I was told I was "making yourself unattractive" - just oof

I swung back and forth like that for a while I got really into funky earrings and shaved my head and wore dresses and skirts or jeans and button ups and tank tops - I was trying so hard to figure out what kind of woman I was (tomboy, butch femme futch, goth, punk, hipster, hippie etc etc-it always cracks me up people saying transness is a replacement for counterculture fashions because trying them and flitting between the styles was in hindsight a way I repressed my transness/ I was trying to find anywhere else that I could fit and not have to admit to myself what was really going on was gender dysphoria - also there are trans ppl in all those 'subcultures' lol we've always been wherever people are because we are people too) and never quite feeling comfortable and I finally realised that I'm just not a woman, I'm not a binary man either though I do feel more comfortable aligning with transmasc these days. It didn't make me unlovable or a pariah - I did lose some shitty people Ngl but I'm better off and happier without them and I wouldn't trade who I am for the fake love of what felt like a cage I was trapped in

but yeah it's been a wild journey and idk maybe reading this will help someone on their own journey to realise it's not all the neat and tidy just so narratives the cis media gives you ecspecilly if you grew up when transness wasn't really talked about. It's your body not your parents' or your partners' or society's it's Your life to live and your decisions to make

Also TBC not medically transitioning/ having a "non normative" transition doesn't make you 'less trans'or whatever either truscum can fuck off, as I said its YOUR body not anyone else's

i feel like there’s a very skewed perception of trans men or transmascs being only teenagers who i guess magically grow out of being trans??? so if you’re over idk lets say 21, and youre a trans man/trans masc person, can you please reblog this and drop your age in the tags?

i’ll start- im 27

[disenchantingwrites]

Rainbow Nails • G.W

Gerard's trying to mind his own business, but suddenly you attack him with several bottles of nail polish and demand that you paint his nails.

Gerard Way x GN!Reader

A/N: i've been addicted to painting my nails lately, and decided to project my own wishes with this ficlet. <3

---- ---- ---- ----

(626 words)

With North America's tour leg having ended a short while ago, Gerard was more than happy to take some time to relax before they had to return to the stage. Most of it was spent with you, whenever you were available, or he used the time to write more lyrics or draw, or plan the fourth instalment for Umbrella Academy.

Today, however, was different. You had a day off work, yet Gerard had not seen you since that morning, as you'd claimed you had things to do in the room you'd claimed as an 'emergency office' for yourself. It was only there due to you being forced to stay home when the pandemic was rampant, but now you rarely touched it. However, today, Gerard hadn't seen you leave it once.

So he remained in the living room, taking a rare look at the tags and mentions that came up on their social media. The joy from the fans only solidified the grin that settled upon his face and cemented the zealous feeling which had resided within him over the past few months.

"Gee!" They barely managed to react to your call before you bounded over and spilled the contents of your arms over the coffee table. Confounded, Gerard tucked his phone away and sat straighter, taking in the sight before him.

"Why do you have tons of nail polish?" He inquired, unable to contain the laugh that ticked his throat.

"I want to paint your nails, obviously," you replied with a roll of your eyes.

They eyed your own hands as you scrounged up the bottles which had fallen to the floor. "Don't tell me I haven't seen you all day because you were doing your nails."

You frowned, then glanced at where their eyes were fixed, and let out a soft laugh. "No, don't worry. I actually was doing some work I needed to finish, but then I got bored and dug these out from... pretty much everywhere. I didn't realise we were such nail polish hoarders."

"I'm not surprised by it," Gerard hummed, taking a survey of the colours you displayed in front of him.

"Now," you began, "I can keep it simple, if you want, or you can have a little fun with it and let me add some funky designs." You held out your hands, displaying the small pumpkin and ghost you'd added to your pinkies. "The only rule is that you have to chose more than one colour, otherwise it's boring."

"I have to?" Gerard faked a frown. You nodded, now frowning yourself, befuddled by their reaction. "Well, I guess you won't mind if I choose a colour for every finger then."

You grinned and slightly narrowed your eyes at your husband for concerning you. "Okay, you can pick ten, but do you want glitter top coat, holographic, or just a plain?"

"Let's just do plain for now, just so we don't overdo it." You nodded, accepting his choice.

"You know," you spoke up, resting your arms on the table, followed by your head on your arms as you peered up at Gerard.

"Hm?" Gerard hummed, glancing over to you as he began to select the colours they wanted.

"I really love you when you do this like this with me," you finished, your lips curling into a tender grin as Gerard's attention returned to you.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a sap?" Gerard teased, toying with one of the nail polish bottles.

"You, funnily enough," you replied, unable to bite back your amused smile, "all the time."

Gerard let out a soft chuckle. "Hm, probably because I love you for that."

"Gee," you cooed. "Okay, no, stop, before I start crying. I need to do your nails."

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 1/31/23

month started on a sunday, ended on a tuesday, very satisfying

listening

Toxic Las Vegas (Jamieson Shaw Remix). this has been on my "silly little walk for my silly little mental health" playlist for three weeks so it's time for its place in the tuesdaypost. part of the appeal is that it's two songs i already like but this remix does something where i go "whoa is that the james bond chord" every time even though it is NOT.

-

reading

Bullet Train, a black humor thriller set on a train full of asssassins by Kōtarō Isaka. i have been having... mmmmmmmm. a time. let us say. and i have been clinging to things that i have lost my mind about (mostly cowboys) in order to get through the agonies. so it is weird, now that i am branching out a bit more bc things are on a slightly different tack, to be like "yeah i liked this a normal amount and i agree with the 3.8 goodreads average. i will not remember this in three months." npr said basically: fun little genre piece with no real depth! i don't completely agree with this, bc the book is not action-scene focused! the very few fights are short, blunt, quick affairs. there's a lot of focus on personal ethics and legacies, and a great deal of terror derived from random chance. but yeah it's not really a literary novel.

this was a fast, fun read. a rare example where i liked the adaptation (the recent movie which is a VERY loose adaptation) much more than the original work.

i try not to be picky about sentence structure or work choice in a translated work, bc translation is a tricky business at best, but there were some funky choices here and there that did throw me out of my groove. it's written in present tense, which is fine, but i cannot remember the last time i read a professionally published non-romance book written in present tense. i described the movies as "really wants you to know it took AP English", and the book is similar in an interesting way-- book!tangerine is constantly quoting English literary-canon novels.

the book (and movie) have a very dry sense of humor that clicked with me. "it's not clear why the man is naming fruits". at LEAST two sensible chuckles.

the biggest book/movie divergence is with the character of the Prince: a fourteen-year-old serial killer, who we spend a great deal of the book with, who asks nearly every grownup on this train "why is it bad to kill people?". a rare book in which i actively wanted a child to die. i think this character is much improved in the movie, since the character is both aged up (a young teen boy in the book, an older teen girl in the movie), and given clearer ties to the rest of the cast. however, this adaptational choice does lose almost all of the terror of the random chance the book makes you sit with. in the movie, the prince has a motive. in the book, that kid just ain't right.

had a fun time but not enough of a fun time that i will be seeking out the other novels in the series on purpose. perhaps if i come across physical copies cheap it will ping my memory and i'll grab them, which is how i acquire a lot of my physical books. this feels like im damning with faint phrase, but i did have a fun time reading this! it's just that my brain is a sieve and lately anything that doesn't completely possess me is immediately forgotten.

-

watching

fallow week bc i have been #gaming. i need to literally put on my to-do list "rewatch The Big Sleep for febslash feb research" maybe that'll get me to actually do it. im going to take this opportunity to complain about how much fucking work it is to write smut. not even the technical stuff bc i do like to write smut that's threesomes where everyone is the same gender and has the same color hair. the hard part is going "okay what's sexy" and then like storyboarding out the sequence of events to make sure everyone's having fun and it CONSISTENTLY stays sexy the whole time. i have never had irl sex with a narrative throughline. difficult difficult lemon difficult

-

playing

still running around in wolfenstein: the new order making this big beefy boy do jumps and slides. went to the moon. came back from the moon. hit a very fun bug as i try to fight my way out of the london nautica where i crash landed, bc i died, the level spat me out at the last checkpoint, and there were no health or ammo or armor pickups anywhere. just what i could scavenge off the fallen. very unpleasant to fight through a room with 20 health but i did do one whole room before realizing this was a bug. i would not like to play the entire game like this. very stressful. the big boss at the end of the level was also extremely stressful.

but let's talk about the moon, the moon in the fucking sky. how was the moon? was the moon fun? no it was full of nazis. it was also jammed full of sixties computer banks tho. many instruments and dials as well.

as i write this on sunday night i am going to attempt Again to finish the second to last chapter in this game. i am So Close to finishing this game in under 20 hours [ed note, monday night: lmao still have not finished this game]. look at some more computer banks there aren't enough pictures to break up this post.

not sure if this is a side effect of the next-location action movie disease, but wolfenstein is very interested in how areas link together. lots of temporary facilities that have grown ad-hoc roots, lots of trains planes and automobiles. we drive a lot of trucks. we’re in helicopters and subs and moon rockets. we blow up a bridge and scramble through several trains, blowing one of them up. we fuck on a train also can't forget that cutscene. we live in the sewers. we scuttle around in vents. we are in some very far-flung locations but they all look the fucking same bc they are encased in brutalist concrete. i'm sure this is bc it's fun to have a gun battle on a train and on the fucking moon and bc like u only have so many guys actually modelling things for your levels.

this is a very half-baked observation bc i think i am beginning to get a migraine (as i finish writng this on monday night) but let's get this out of the way first: all buildings are political. something something things invented and built for war never actually go away, something something transportation infrastructure to ease conquest continues to keep the colonies within easy reach of the imperial core, wartime infrastructure like highways and bridges as a tool of empire, fascism is a constant state of war which in this game is partly represented by constant shooting and also constant building. something something the unsustainability of not only constant building things but constant growth. something something long linked history of fascist architects who love brutalism. this video game has great visual design and visual shorthands is what im trying to get at. i think.

the london nautica museum/labs/spaceport is a big gun. this is not a subtle game.

-

making

here's a peek behind the curtain: i talk about cooking when i don't have anything else to report on. but i genuinely did not have anything else going on this weekend bc this took all my fucking literal and metaphorical spoons. this represents like three weeks worth of soup lunch (the red lentil previously discussed on this series) plus two quiches.

why so many quiches lately? i bought two dozen eggs before christmas and thought i would do more baking than i did, which was zero. tried this dal palak recipe, majorly fucked up the proportions of the spinach bc i cannot read the back of a package, and by the time i corrected my mistake i had a fuck of a lot of the spinach/onion/spices. unfortunately i fucking hate the texture of rice plus lentils plus this mixture all together, but felt bad about wasting so much food, so the lentils went into the soup (which i needed to make more of anyway) the spinach mixture went into some quiche (bc i needed to use up those eggs anyway) and uhhh idk what will happen with the rice yet. maybe fried rice to finish off the last three eggs in the carton. this entire debacle used all my spoons for the weekend.

there's also a pork shoulder defrosting (and after that marinating[from last summer's Father's Day Meat Sale i also wish i was making this up]) but that's not very photogenic. i desperately need freezer space and it's been a fucking minute since i had some meat.

[rommahh]

Love On Tour…Actually

{Im sorry for how late this was. I went to the show Friday and honestly, it was the best day of my life. I had a little PCD which made me super unmotivated but I’m back. I love you all, R}

You woke up a little grumpy, you won’t lie. You didn’t like waking up alone especially on a show day. It made you uncomfortable to be left to your own devices without any structure or schedule. You understood that Harry was a busy man but it would’ve been nice to receive some text so you could plan your day accordingly.

Sitting on the couch in the lounge of your hotel room, you chowed down on leftover pasta while watching Netflix on your iPad. You had yet to receive a text from Harry even though you had texted him hours ago when you woke up. It was hard to tell if he was ignoring you out of anger or if he was simply just lost in track. Either way you felt dejected.

On the other hand, Harry hadn’t even noticed that he iced you. He was busy running around Nashville trying to get things ready for tonight’s show. He bought you a new dress and shoes, and got the ring fitted. It was hard to figure out your ring size but he end up measuring your finger when you were passed out asleep in bed last night. When you slept, you slept and he knew that would be the perfect time to measure your finger.

Harry was so busy that morning, that by the end of his errands he realized he didn’t even have time to go back to the hotel before rehearsals. He was sporting a small cough and his vocal chords felt overworked but that’s all apart of tour.

Pulling his phone out of his back pocket as he walked into the arena, he dialed your number quickly. He had people trying to talk to him but he paid them no mind.

“Oh? Would you look who’s here?” Harry’s head shot up to the sound of your voice. There you sat on his dressing room couch, arms crossed over one another as you glared at him. Your gaze burned through him and he could just tell he was in trouble.

“Hello lovie.” Harry rasped.

“Harry you sound like shit but here you are up and about running around. You should’ve slept in this morning.” Scolding as you stand up to walk in front of him. Harry could feel the anger radiate off of you but you hid it well. He melted into your hands that cupped his warm cheeks.

“I had a lot of errands to run and I didn’t want to wake you. Also it’s just a sore throat from singing and traveling- comes with being on tour.” He mumbles dropping his head into your neck. You caress the hairs on the back on his neck and massage the tense muscles.

“You’ve got to think about yourself more, Harry. You have a show to put on but you can’t put on your best show if you’re not at your best. I am not happy with you at all.” Even though your words were scolding him, you held him your arms in the most soothing way. That’s what Harry loved about you, you cared for him like no one else could (aside from his mom). You could tell him off with your harshest words but he’d always feel your love from miles away.

“You’re right love, sorry for not keeping in touch today.” You hum in acknowledgement. You both pulled away from each other when his driver walked in with Harry’s abundance of bags. “Thank you, sir.”

“What all did you buy?” You ask walking towards the bags. Harry’s arm shot out in front of you making you stop. You looked up at him in shock. “Fine be secretive.”

You huffed before making your way back to the couch. Harry rolled his eyes at you, making way to his shopping bags. Plucking the bag from Nordstrom he plopped it down on the table in front of you.

“I just didn’t want you snooping at some other stuff. I bought you this, for tonight.” He sat down beside you, thighs touching leaving no room between you two.

“Im not trying to be mean. Just a little peeved that you left this morning without telling me. You also have a cold and I wanna take care of you since you won’t do it.” A hand rubs his forehead luring his eyes shut.

“Sorry baby, I thank you for caring so much.” He whispers sleepily.

“Im always gonna care for my bubs.” Kissing him on the lips, your turn your attention to the bag. The small grey bag had light tissue paper covering the product within the bag. The tissue falls to the floor as you dig into the bag. A silky champagne dress, folded neatly to decrease wrinkles, sits in the bag. The dress was soft and you knew it was loose enough to give you the room to dance. Soft snores escaped the boy beside you- the exhaustion evident on his face.

You pull the dress out of the bag and walk over to where his outfit of the night hung. The dress was hung beside his to be steamed for later. Turning around, you smile at the sight of your curled up boyfriend. Your heart hurt knowing that in a few minutes he would have to go rehearse.

Harry sleepily went through rehearsals sitting in a chair the whole time. He knew his stage cues and performance, he only had one more thing to rehearse but it required for you to not be in the room. He gave one look to Jeff to signal him to get you out. Jeff made up some excuse saying that he needed help with some social media post for the show.

Before the show, there was a catered dinner from some local restaurant. Harry ate a light meal of fresh vegetables and a sweet iced tea which has grown on him having lived in the states for some years. You ate grilled chicken and fries enjoying the free food. The two of you ate alone in his dressing room- wanting a moment of piece before the crazy.

“How are you feeling?” You ask Harry. He shrugs, he was more nervous than anything but you wouldn’t understand why if he had told that to you. He felt floaty. Tonight would be a game changer, a step in a whole new direction. This is something he’s wanted to do for years now but it’s finally happening, and he’s scared.

"Im ok, a little tired but what else is new. I can't wait to sleep all night and cuddle with you." He grabs your hand from across the table. you squeeze it, frowning at his revelation.

"I don't like that you're so tired." You worry, his hand squeezes yours in reassurance.

“Im ok, it’s all apart if the job.” He looks down to your bare ring finger, thumb brushing over the empty spot. Your nails were done in your favorite way, some funky pattern you found from Pinterest all painted on short coffin nails.

“I love you Harry and I’m so proud of you. I know that these years put us both in a bad place mentally but I’m happy of where we are now.” Harry could almost tear up to your words. They settled into his mind, resonating. He was making the perfect decision and you solidified that ideal.

2014

Harry didn’t know how they did it. A show every night, a new state everyday, a new country every few months- he was burnt out. He was tired of shared tour buses and the lack of autonomy. Last nights LA show was amazing, the crowd was amazing, the energy was amazing- so why did he feel so horrid?

He walked around in The Grove, security guards walking in front and behind him. He wanted a peaceful day alone but here they were. Fans watched suspiciously trying to decipher if it was Harry or not. His hat and sunglasses were obviously not the disguise he thought they would be.

As the whispers got louder, his heart started to flurry more. Panic seeped into his veins as he looked for an escape. Bolting in the Barnes and Nobles- security guards close behind- Harry asked for the employees to close shop just for a moment. Harry only needed a moment to get a car near by to escape to. Feeling overwhelmed, Harry hid.

In between the historical fiction and romance aisle is where he sat. Head between his knees, trying to catch his breathe.

“Are you ok?” A voice asked from above him. His head whipped up in shock. Standing there was you, three books clutched between your arms. Adjusting your dress you dropped down to the floor in front of him.

“I-im fine, tired but fine.” He replied. He looked different than he did the night before, you thought. Last night, he was energetic and full of life and now, now you saw a boy whose exhaustion overpowered him.

“You here for any books?” You were just trying to change the subject, something you did with yourself when you had panic attacks.

“Oh no, I don’t-“ he stuttered shaking his head. You smiled at him before pulling a book from your stack. The fault In Our Stars, your new favorite.

“I love this book, one of my favorites. Heard a movie is coming out too so that’s fun.” You joke. Harry’s relaxed slightly, you nestled closer to him. Opening the book, you began reading, your gentle voice calming Harry.

At the start of chapter four, an interruption pulled you both away. Harry’s security guard told Harry that a car was waiting and the perimeter of the store was clear. Harry nodded telling the guard to give him five more minutes.

“I guess this is it.” You mumble closing your book. Harry nods but makes no move to leave. Something clicks in him as he looks at your face again.

“You were at the concert last night, meet and greet?” He muses.

“Yeah, One Direction is my favorite band. My friend bought our vip tickets for my birthday. Best night ever.” You say quietly, scared that he might think that you’re some obsessed fan.

“Oh, well I’m glad you enjoyed the show….so why didn’t you freak out today or- or expose where I was?”

“You’re a human being, just like me. You get nervous, frustrated, and sad just like me. You get panic attacks just like. Who am I to treat you differently?” Your words did so much for Harry. “Now don’t get me wrong, you’re my favorite in the band, but I don’t idolize you nor do I wish to be in your position cause I know it must be hard.”

“It is. Hard, I mean, really really hard. I love my job but I’m tired.” The silence you two shared burned a connection between you two. “This may be weird but could I have your number? I like talking to you and I wanna hear more of this book.”

Placing your hand made bookmark in the book, you closed in and gently placed it on Harry’s lap. “Have it. I have one at home and if you still want to talk about it- I’ll give you my number.”

Harry stills as the book sits in his lap. “I want to talk to you about the book.”

After exchanging numbers, Harry was urged by you to go. Walking side by side to the door, you were separated by his security.

“Harry, don’t let this keep hurting you. Find the joy and grasp on to it.”

You turned out to be his joy. Calls every night after shows and different books being read together, you both gravitated towards each other. Everyday was a new day to grow closer together. He invited you to more concerts, paying for every ticket because he just needed to be with you.

The show was going beautifully. Harry looked amazing in stage in all white and most fans were captivated by your outfit too. It worried you to see Harry so exhausted on stage but you knew he would stick it through like he always does. Proud was an understatement in your eyes. Harry made you more than proud.

You stood in the back of the watermelon pit at the end of the aisle where his stage stopped a few feet away. Jeff stood beside you like he normally did but he was acting suspicious. You two never stood on the side of Harry’s exit but this is where Jeff said you’d get the best view tonight.

Harry sang his final ‘we’ll be alright’ before doing his stage stroll and bows, but instead of finishing in the middle of the stage- he went down stage to the place he normally exits to at the end of the night. You watched in confusion, along with the crowd, as he walked down the steps to you. The crowd erupted in screams as the lights focused on where you were standing.

“What are you doing?” You asked with large eyes of shock. You felt your heart stop in your chest. The crowd getting louder by the moment. Harry walked closer to you, one hand digging into his pocket while his eyes focused on your face. You couldn’t place what was happening but you’re eyes welled with even more tears nonetheless. Jeff was to the side with a huge smile and his phone out to capture the moment.

“Y/N, my love, my light, the best thing that has happened to me,” he didn’t have his mic on so the crowd couldn’t hear him but you could hear him perfectly. As if you two were the only ones in the large arena, you could only see Harry. “From the moment I met you in the bookstore, I knew you were meant to be in my life. Somehow you took me from my darkest place and guided me to my lightest.

I know our lives have been hard but we’ve always found a way to be alright. I want that for the rest of my life. I want you to be by my side for the rest of my life, so will you please, my love, marry me?”

You gave him no time to answer as you yanked him up by his arm. You wept as you exclaimed loud yeses, yeses that could be heard by a few fans who screamed in excitement igniting the rest of the crowd to scream. Harry picked you up in his arms, throwing one arm out to wave at the crowd before bounding backstage.

“Oh my god Harry!” You exclaimed as he set you down. He only had a few minutes to talk so you kept it quick. You pulled his face down to your kissing his lips. This kiss pulled you both deeper into each other.

He pulled away making you whine. “I gotta go back but I promise you’ll get it all tonight. I can’t believe you said yes. I love you so much.”

Harry’s energy multiplied by 100 going back on stage. He even went as far as to explain what watermelon sugar was about. Remembering when the song was made, it made your legs clench together- a pulse overwhelming your lower regions.

Looking down at your hand, you could feel yourself tear up again at the ring he bought you. It fit perfectly in your hand, you remember him measuring your hand that night even though he thought you were asleep. The thought of your future made your heart swell. A future with new music, a wedding, a nice house, and babies made your heart swell. This was something you couldn’t wait for.

Harry found his joy in you but he never knew about the joy he was to your dark life.