#my medical stuff that was preventing a lot of it has been improving to the point where i think i technically could again

[foxxsong]

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[pansy-placebo]

CFS + ADHD is so weird

Trigger warning for stimulants; ADHD medication is central in this story; and other stims are briefly alluded to

If you didn't know, there's been an ADHD medication shortage in the UK (and a lot of the world) which has meant I haven't been able to get my hands on my ADHD meds AT ALL. for OVER YEAR.

And a bit over two weeks ago- out of nowhere- I found like a month's worth of ADHD medication. I'd lost it in the early days of the shortage, back when I just had to wait longer between meds, instead of never getting any. Back then it didn't matter if I misplaced a bottle here and there- even if I didn't get a refill immediately, as long as I didn't have anything too important, all I had to do was wait out the month for a new prescription.

But these days? Thanks to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I couldn't even do the things I used to do to cope with the ADHD before I had medication, like going on runs, so it's been completely unregulated. After a year of being completely unable to fill out any sort of forms, make phone calls, or draft emails by myself (and lots of other crucial stuff) - finding a bottle was a miracle!

I decided to put it to good use and get done what I've needed done for so long.

After a couple of test doses to be sure if was safe, I took a regular daily dose for four days in a row. It was four blissful days of actually, really cleaning the room I've stayed in for over a year, and decorating it! And doing the dishes for my partner for once, and sorting out old clothes from my wardrobe, and finally building the courage to contact the private ADHD psychs so I could get more ADHD meds in the future.

And all the sudden I felt sick, sick enough to know taking the meds would be a waste. And all at once, I had to stop taking it for WEEKS,

because I had overworked myself to the point of becoming physically ill and contracting an ear infection. But it wasn't just an ear infection, oh no- the ear infection travelled to my sinuses, and then throat, and then lungs. During which time it travelled back to re-infect my ears after they healed twice, which gave me vertigo that prevented me from doing anything but being nauseous and sad in bed. I took multiple COVID tests because it was. just. The same as getting COVID.

Now, I'm still super phlegmy and cough a lot, but at least I can breathe without my lungs making all these... wheezy cracky bubbly noises, and the world isn't spinning which is a huge improvement.

The reason I got so sick in the first place was because pre-shortage was also pre-CFS relapse, and I've never had an overlap of both having CFS and taking adhd meds before. So of course when I took my medication and felt wayyy better for a few days, I stupidly started to think the past year of exhaustion was just me lacking my medication. and not. like. my whole ass Syndrome. And so of course going full-speed ahead as though I'm not still dealing with a chronic illness crashed my already fragile-ass immune system. My body can't handle walking for more than a few minutes some days and forces me to take naps after every activity, so naturally spending a whole day walking around cleaning was going to fuck everything up. Glass bones and paper skin ass motherfucker.

Today I got well enough to take the medication again, so I did, with the express purpose of contacting my psychs to acquire a new prescription. So I filled most of their forms, I put some laundry in the wash and did some drawing. All in all, I did about as much as I'd do on a Very Good Day with CFS

But I have learned my lesson. I won't do more than the CFS would usually let me do on a good day, and make sure to focus my attention on more sedentary tasks so I don't destroy myself by jumping in the deep end again. Even though while medicated I may feel like a Task Machine, that doesn't mean I am a Task Machine. I am a human being with a chronic disease that Feels ✨Gone✨ when I take stimulants, and if I don't start acting like it then the chronic disease will only get worse until I Totally Can Feel It even with the stimulants. I did the exact same thing with other drugs when I was a teenager, so it could happen again.

TL;DR: man with the Always Sleepy disease takes medicine that makes him feel Less Sleepy, so he stupidly thinks he was faking the Always Sleepy Disease the whole time and acts like a healthy person without the disease for a few days, which makes his Sleepy Disease into Even Sleepier Disease and he sleeps Even More for weeks after

[sunshinexlollipops]

hihi!! was just wondering if you ever plan on finishing ACW? its been ages since i first read it and i find myself coming back to it so often. love love love your writing, i've never felt so engrossed in a piece of fanfiction before!!!

hi anon!

thank you for all your support and love about ACW! even now it amazes me how people read this story and just cherish it as they do. ACW connected with people in a way my fics never did prior to it. one reason I love it so much!

well wishes to you anon, and thank you sm for your ask! 💕

but the short answer to your question: yes, 100% absolutely. I do plan to finish ACW. may take me a while, but imma do it.

but here is the longer answer:

I have... unfortunately a lot going on right now. my radio silence + pause on writing wasn't meant to be this long or even a thing aside from taking the time to write the final chapter entirely and prep it for uploading.

the idea was to upload the chapter in its parts day by day until completion, and intended to prevent you guys hanging in between crucial updates for long. unlike the previous method, where I uploaded 1 update at a time, as they were written. the final chapter has a lot of heavy hitting moments and huge plot events. some of these I didn't want to leave you guys sitting on for weeks in between the next update. also, I didn't want to kill the vibe and flow of the last chapter by doing it a piece at a time and the next update time be "TBD."

but due to the pandemic and compounding life/personal issues, I kinda crashed and burned since going on an unintentional hiatus. from mental health stuff and physical health stuff, I basically have been dealing with this since I quit my job in April of '21. which was a whole other situation altogether...some know but basically it was shit and it really messed with me.

I'm doing a SHIT TON better now and have gotten a good psych and therapist behind me. also new medications have helped for things like my OCD + ADHD, for example. it's not that I necessarily am against detailing some things to y'all, but... it's a LOT.

bc you know those memes about author's notes on fics? how they'll be like "hey sorry this may have typos, I nearly died from organ failure last week and I'm in the hospital recovering, so sorry if the quality is not up to my status quo!" ???

yeah. dat me.

but with a list so long idk where to start and how to explain everything to y'all. just know I've been going through it. and it's not to demand pity that I say that, but it's more so to offer some light as to why my break has been so long + why I've been almost MIA and not writing during it.

in general, I haven't written practically anything during this time. not trying to dismay you about ACW, bc that has NEVER left my mind, but more so I just haven't been able to connect back with writing. I disconnected from practically all my outlets (hurr hurr depression 🤪) and it hasn't been easy to reestablish it. doesn't mean I won't, or it's impossible. but it may take me some time to find that piece of me again.

currently, I'm about to try and start a specific therapy program that can help me, and I'm going to hopefully be getting assistance during this time too. this is an improvement considering I have been dead in the water for the last 2 years and change. so I hope the improvements continue, and with more direct help and support I can continue with betterment and hopefully get back to a lot that I lost.

so apologies for how long it's taken, just know I've been thinking about ACW right alongside y'all. I miss it like y'all do. and I hope I can send her out the way I want and need to. I also have some ideas/changes and I'm hoping I can also surprise y'all with these if I can make it work!

remember— HAVE FAITH. ;)

also, a bonus for you having read all that mess, a pic of my kitty's lil face. 💕

[meditating-dog-lover]

Healthy

Growing up I have not prioritized my health as much as I should have.

It wasn't until a few years ago when I started to sleep better, drink more water, go to therapy, take supplements (the ones I need and dr said were fine), eat healthier/less junk/sugar, improve my immunity, walking, nasal breathing, intermittent fasting, and getting comprehensive routine bloodwork done and being up to date with medical/dental exams. I've done a lot to improve my health that it got to a point where I'm a bit obsessed with maintaining my health, because it makes me feel fulfilled and in control, since I'm doing something productive that is good for me. Also it's such a confidence booster to be healthy.

Then it comes to my eczema, which has unfortunately been a more challenging issue to address. Despite all the above, I do struggle with stress/anxiety, some insulin resistance, and moderate/severe eczema. I know my eczema is likely caused by gut imbalances, because my lab results showed I have the same bad bacteria colonizing both my skin and gut. And I've never thoroughly addressed my gut health in the past (it can be tricky because everyone's gut is different, there are a ton of foods and supplement that promote gut health and it can be hard to identify what's right for you, most doctors don't really talk about it as it's not something commonly taught in medical schools, and there's a lot of gimmicky unscientific stuff out there).

Unfortunately, I've been told the same things by doctors: "There's no cure, the only things that can help you are steroids, protopic, and biologics/Dupixent". I know it's a chronic and complicated condition and I don't need to be constantly fucking reminded that there's no cure. Why should I, someone who is rather healthy, have to spend the rest of my life using steroids and and self-injecting biologics? I don't get it. I worked so hard on improving my health, yet I struggle with this inflammatory disease and doctors tell me there's no solution besides relying on risky drugs. Why should I have to? It goes to show how the medical system is unfortunately designed to get people to rely on pharmaceuticals rather than to genuinely get them to take action and care for their own health. Unfortunately, there is some logic and reason to this approach as people are less inclined to be proactive in their own health. And I don't blame them because it takes time, effort, and money to take deeper care of their well-being.

As a scientist I have to always remind people that conventional medicine is important, significant and has saved a lot of people from unnecessary illness and death. I mean I work in the field myself and have dealt with personal medical emergencies in the past. When I express my disappointment in the medical industry, I'm talking moreso about the lack of approach to lifestyle and preventative medicine, not lifesaving medication and procedures like antibiotics, vaccines, antihistamines, aseptic surgical techniques, bloodwork/labwork/xrays, and emergency medicine like CPR, stopping blood loss, and defibrillators, etc... I can see both the good and bad in the industry I work in.

[thurisazsalail]

Open Letter to Nutritionists + Dieticians

I'm trying to find some kind of data that seems impossible. I've had actual registered dieticians. Nutritionists are absolutely useless. My GP, one of several I've had in the past few years, is telling me to ~just diet and exercise!!!~ even when I remind her that I cannot, in fact, physically exercise without significant risk of injury, and I cannot eat most things because of celiac disorder and autoimmune issues. I’m fine when told something stupid like “diet and exercise!!!” offhand because that actually applies to most people, but when I specifically remind a doc which patient I am, and bring documentation from other doctors to show those things, they turn nasty.

I’m not fine with your stupid-ass “helpfulness” if your “helpfulness” isn’t just not helpful, but is actually actively harmful.

Every article and source I’ve come across for the past few years conflates WEIGHT gain/loss with FAT gain/loss.

These are NOT THE SAME THING.

The professional resources online are not helping. It's the same regurgitated "information" about gluten free foods being high carb, low nutrient, and how we all just think we can eat whatever we want and not "gain weight." I am literally within 5 pounds of my weight 10 years ago. It's on my medical records. I was only diagnosed w celiac in 2018, after months of NOT being able to eat. Without high fat foods like fries and peanut butter, I often cannot break 1000 calories a day. I have gone from ~4-6US size to a ~12-16, depending on brand. My first burden is to somehow sort through millions of search results that change "lose fat" to "lose weight" when in fact, I do not need to lose any weight. I need to lose fat.

THEN I need to find a way to get calories, any calories, without drinking oil and trying to stuff down vegetables that I physically cannot digest. Shockingly, by the time someone thought that maybe my lifelong issues with getting sick every time I ate something that wasn't rice or soda was maybe a Real Problem, I ended up with several other GI issues like dysphagia and early gastroparesis.

I could never eat things like broccoli without my skin breaking out into a rash. There has never been part of my life where I could eat peas. How weird that it turns out, my aversion to "health food" was my autoimmune system telling me that it's a legume allergy. I can have peanuts and nothing else.

So what do I do when it seems like every. single. article. and video. professional or otherwise... is just... a rehash of this one? It isn't just this article, by the way. I'm using this one as a short, clear example of every point I've seen defeated, not just by myself, but by dozens and dozens of followers of other nutrition and celiac-oriented education accounts on social media. https://www.todaysdietitian.com/enewsletter/enews_1013_01.shtml Some of these points are not wrong! - People do tend to better absorb nutrients and put on weight when the intestines begin healing - Not having diarrhea is a Good Thing, and probably helps someone keep on weight - Lots of GF foods right now have no impetus to be "healthy" at all.

I suspect it's because "going gluten free" has been a fad diet, so the people on a diet (who made the industry profitable) are getting nutrients elsewhere; people with celiac disease have no choice but to buy those items. Therefore, there is no financial reason to improve them. Lots are totally empty, devoid of nutrients in any meaningful amounts. I have found some nutritious products recently BUT they have used chickpeas or pea flours. Great, I can't eat those now. I lost quite a few formerly available foods to chickpeas. Cool, cool.

I wonder how many of these doctors ever look into comorbidities in their patients and think about how many of us have chronic illnesses which prevent us from mentally and physically compiling lists of groceries and cooking equipment, making each and every single meal from scratch, cooking it perfectly, cleaning up, and having energy to eat. From the sheer number of articles I've read in the past year, I'm betting on "not many."

In this article, Amy Jones, MS, RD, LD attributes weight gain to eating too much. That our portion sizes are out of control! We need to practice "mindfully eating." Just use smaller plates and don’t watch TV while we eat (yes those are actually in the article.) The fatties are just fat because we gorge on everything we see. We're like the Langoliers, but with the $12 gluten free CPK frozen pizzas at Wal-mart.

[rabbitindisguise]

I keep getting really introspective about disability and internalized ableism and how some people claimed that I'd want cure narrative representation/medical model of disability If I Just Understood what it was like to have things like CFS and autoimmune conditions (since I've recovered a bit from my recent problem and relaxed the answer has been No, Absolutely Not to all of these things)

and like I think folks are kidding themselves a little bit. Not about their own feelings, but lots of the things people were claiming were immutable facts about living these sorts of symptoms (and therefore a sort of symptom itself) and experiences were defeated with therapy exercises I've been using for years. So they were wrong about what I would feel because I ultimately don't, even though I "should" since I'm having the problems. It's true that I cried a bit and made some dumb decisions and now it's just as normal as before I knew I had the problem. I'm having a hard time regulating my emotions because I don't have the energy to maintain that kind of composure, so I started being really careful about my daily activities. I know it's easy for me to get short with people, so I'm going to be faster to apologize and avoid touchy subjects for myself. I'm getting repeatedly traumatized and dismissed and undertreated by doctors, so I'm skipping past all medical stuff on my tumblr feed before bed. It hasn't prevented the bad feelings but merely knowing what's happening allows me to use my coping skills, and lets me realize that this isn't my life it's just a current problem I have to deal with.

According to the things people have said before this started happening, I'm supposed to hate my body, to mistrust doctors inherently, to loathe the medical system, and to believe the world is out to get me specifically as a consequence of experiencing these symptoms. I'm supposed to find people embracing disabilities as part of their identity and wanting to see it represented in fiction insensitive to my own experience. And most of all I'm supposed to be angry and bitter and never stop talking about how angry and bitter I am, no matter if other people are uncomfortable by it, and believe people who are uncomfortable by it are the problem.

If I don't, despite all these symptoms and malnutrition and my body having an extended four month long flu vacation, I don't think I ever will. I know my body could get worse and I could get even worse emotionally, but fundamentally there's a phenomenon of people who refuse to accept mental health care because it means that if it helps then it doesn't mean they're actually disabled (despite all the tests and imaging to the contrary).

I also have a huge motivation to maintain my mental health despite all the Physical Problems because psychological symptoms make physical symptoms worse. The stress of having PTSD in a body that is scrambling to do things properly to begin with is a Lot. If I didn't already have a strong motivation to do therapy (to improve my relationships with other people, to achieve my personal goals for being the person I want to be in life), now I have the additional reason that improving mental health improves health outcomes substantially. I'm not sure if the people who have told me these things believe that's science at all, or have even heard of it, because of the ideas that depression is always a misdiagnosis/a diagnosis made in ableism in someone with a physical disability (false). And beyond that it doesn't even matter for me because frankly I've been bipolar and autistic for a long time so the boat has sailed. Maybe that's the schism? By avoiding mental health care seriously they don't have to find out if they were just mentally ill, which their doctors mistakenly assert is a possibility all the time (NO fucked up liver enzymes do not just ~happen~ and any doctor that thinks that is a quack, much like mental health symptoms don't just ~happen~ for three months or more). Any improvement alongside their mental health improvement could be an attack on the sense of self established in the idea that "I have a physical disability, I'm a physically disabled person, anyone who says otherwise is wrong" which reminds me of how I tried so hard to not be like my parents I just ended up acting more and more denial of anything that could be similar to them.

And all this has reminded me of how adults are like "you'll understand when you're older!" but with ableism I guess?? I think there is no practical difference other than that the mental illness and neurodivergence community I had more access to intracommunal mental health supports. In medical condition support groups I've been in they've been actively toxic to my mental health- and even now I sort of group myself as Other from the problems (autoimmune issues) they also assumed I couldn't have (like doctors) because "I'd know what they felt like" if I shared the condition. I'm mentally ill first because anyplace that is inhospitable to the idea that mental welfare is important is inherently inhospitable to me because it goes against my goals for the environments I'll tolerate being in. It sucks that medical illness communities are as toxic as medical doctors, but I guess monkey see monkey do- no good examples to follow, no way to maintain good support skills. Therapists can be bad at stuff in unique ways but self dx is a godsend and therapists being pro self dx is a big reason why I think people are figuring out more about themselves in an autonomous and healthy way (even if the answer is "I'm neurotypical actually" which does happen). I need to start self dxing physical illnesses to get proper assessments that might be productive before I get seriously hurt by doctors not investigating abnormal lab results.

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

Honest question because I’m ignorant and want to understand: why do you not want to stop your periods? I thought it was only a sin to use stuff to have sex outside of marriage and to stop conception. Stopping the period isn’t necessarily either and basically lets you not throw up/faint/be in agony for a week.

It is not a sin to use HBC if you don't want to have a traditional period, that is a choice up to the individual. But it's not something I would ever advise either.

Stopping a natural biologic process (the full ramifications of which most people aren't aware of or understand) merely out of convenience is reckless at best. Most people don't understand how HBC works to alter the brain and body's chemistry and what problems that can cause. This is Your Brain on Birth Control, a book written by Dr. Sarah Hill, does an excellent job of describing how HBC changes a lot more about your body than stopping periods or preventing conception. Sex hormones affect almost everything in your body. It's another reason I am against HRT in people with gender dysphoria (along with the morality issues at play there of course).

Another reason is that having a period - a natural period, not a withdrawal bleed from hormonal birth control - is an important indicator of health in women. How long is it? Do you have clots and pain? Do you get a natural period at all, and if so how often? It's one of the main reasons why people track their periods, not just to see when they need to put tampons in their purse. If I had masked my symptoms of PCOS with HBC, I would have never found out I had PCOS, would have never gotten on medications to improve my insulin sensitivity, and never would have found out that I have an overactive adrenal gland inappropriately secreting hormones!

Imagine having a sore throat and, instead of going to the doctor, getting one of those sprays that numb the back of your throat. Feels good, but why do you have the sore throat? Is it viral, is it strep? If it's strep and it goes untreated, you can get rheumatic fever, it can worsen to become meningitis, and it can even cause an autoimmune disease in children called PANDAS! PCOS is a systemic metabolic condition (not a gynecological one) with systemic causes and affects. Putting a band-aid over my period problems would not have solved any of my other ones, and would have prevented me from learning about and addressing them before they caused more harmful effects (like infertility or endometrial cancer).

I just think it's a little barbaric when gynecological professionals prescribes this stuff instead of finding the root cause of health issues and treating them (ya know, their actual job!) Women's healthcare is so lazy and women deserve to have their health conditions properly diagnosed and treated. I don't want my body to artificially function, I want it to function properly on its own. I found a doctor that did the bloodwork and imaging, identified the sources of my PCOS (it wasn't my ovaries) and was able to prescribe me medications that treated the root cause of the issue. As a result, I am virtually symptom free, I have answers to the questions I have had for years about why my body has been behaving in certain ways, and I did it all while preserving my built-in health indicator (my period).

[bigfan-fanfic]

Okay, there's a lot I have to say but I am absolutely terrible at turning my thoughts into cohesive words so if anything that I'm about to say comes off as rude or doesn't make sense that's probably my brain just not working with me - so I apologise in advance. I also want to clarify that this is me just trying to initiate a friendly debate - not something born out of hostility or anything. I honestly love your blog and would hate if my thoughts and opinions upset or angered you in any way so if they do feel free to delete this - no harm done.

Anyway, while I'm not a huge Batman fan, since let's be honest hes got a lot of different problems that could definitely use a bit of therapy or perhaps some time away from Gotham, a lot of people seem to forget the good things about him. He's an incredibly grey character and often times it will seem that he leans more towards the black then the white side but that doesn't mean there's only, like, 5% white left.

For example, Bruce cares for Gotham A LOT. It was the place he was born, the place his parents were born, the place they died and the place he will most probably die. Not only does he put in the effort to take care of crime on the streets at night, but he also works hard at Wayne Enterprise during the day to help improve life on Earth one bit at a time. He understands that the world sucks and that he has the power, influence and money to make sure the GSP of the world (General Suckiness Percentage) decreases however he can. He (or his company in some cases) is known to donate to a bunch of charities and fundraisers! Two of the major ones are the Thomas Wayne Foundation and the Martha Wayne Foundation.

The Thomas Wayne Foundation mainly focuses on medicine and medical help and helps fund a bunch of clinics established in Gotham - in addition, although it's not explicitly mentioned so take this with a grain of salt, I feel like this foundation would work pretty closely with Wayne Biotech - which is a company apparently responsible for most of Gotham's healthcare system. The Martha Wayne Foundation is an advocate/supporter of the arts, families, education and tolerance (? Not sure what that means honestly). It helps fund a lot of the school and orphanages in Gotham and provides opportunities for artists to apply for grants to support and further their own art. Moreover, the foundation also works closely with Family Finders (a company that works to locate lost people and unite families) and a number of various soup kitchens in Gotham.

While, yes, one could argue that Bruce doesn't really care about them and only leaves them there for publicity or something - although I would like to dispute it, I can't say anything except I really doubt it. None of the pages I have been reading off of really state how Bruce feels about them besides mentioning that he regularly speaks about them to the public at, like, events and stuff but, again, he definitely could be faking it. However, Bruce wouldn't actively be risking his life every night just to beat up a few bank robbers. He wouldn't be taking knives to the side just to punish himself for not being able to save his parents or out of anger at the person who shot them. I feel like if a rich person like Bruce had a similar experience they would either pay for a really REALLY good therapist or just drown their sorrows in their illicit substance, alcohol or incredibly unhealthy hobby of choice. But he doesn't do that - he becomes a vigilante that is hellbent on getting rid of all these criminals, making bat-themed vehicles and gadgets and adopting bird-sidekicks. It's all so unnecessarily extra and he has so many reasons not to do it - but he does, and do you want to know why I think he does?

It's because he does care. He seriously cares about Gotham and the people in it. He goes to such extreme lengths just to try his best at preventing families to be split apart like his was when he was very young. After being raised by people like Thomas and Martha, which let's be honest they totally loved the city after literally making these incredible foundations, how could he have not adopted at least some of their love for Gotham. Also, Alfred! Let's not forget the loveable butler of Bruce's. He was a literal soldier in the war, you could not tell me he didn't teach Bruce how to be the nicest and most polite boy in the world without getting ranted at for 2 hours.

These are not all of my thoughts, of course. This was just me trying to say that Bruce cares for Gotham both as the bat and as the man. I would love to keep this discussion going with you although, again, I would completely understand if you don't feel up to it for one reason or another. I got most of my information from the wiki pages on Wayne Foundation, Wayne Enterprises and Wayne Tech, while other info came from my knowledge taken from an assortment of other DC works. Again, I love your blog and I hope you had a wonderful birthday!!

DISCLAIMER: I don't actually support Enterprises and corporations. I just realised how much I sounded like I wanted to, idk, kiss Jeff Bezo's ass or something and trust me when I say - I think I would kick it and mug him before I ever kissed it. Just thought I should say that lol. #EatTheRich.

I absolutely love discussing and analyzing fandom narratives with people who are earnestly looking to talk and consider viewpoints, so I absolutely LOVEEEEE this ask, anon!

(Lol this got super long so I'm putting it under a cut, but this was so fun to think about and explain my own thoughts! Please let me know what you think, and everyone else, please feel free to put your own thoughts in to discuss!)

So, the first thing we need to discuss is that Bruce is a billionaire, and thus everything he does that's supposedly good should already be suspect. So often, charitable giving is a) a PR stunt and b) a way to reduce one's taxes by writing off their contributions. I don't pretend to understand a whole lot about economics, but one thing I do know is that in some cases, it's actually more profitable for rich people to give to charity. Now, we all know that this is the last thing on Bruce's mind, and he is actually giving to charity, and that he does care.

I don't believe that Bruce doesn't care. He does indeed care deeply about Gotham. But the thing here is, he's a man who's trapped by grief into maintaining certain beliefs about the world that a nine year old whose parents were killed in front of him by a bad man would. Bruce believes not only that all crime can be stopped, but that he himself can stop it. It's in this way that he copes with his grief, because he has an immense level of unacknowledged self-loathing and guilt. Grieving children often take the blame onto themselves for deaths they have no hand in ("Maybe if I had been a better kid, Daddy wouldn't have died") and that is a core part of Bruce's character. Every crime he stops is him preventing his own parents' murder.

Because let's also look at what exactly Bruce is doing to help people. Gotham is an objectively crappy place to live. But we all know that most crime doesn't just happen because people are bad. Gotham, with its slums, its upper class and masses of poor, is full of people who likely have no other option than to turn to crime. Whether to pay protection rackets, rent, or simply to feed themselves, the city is full of people who resort to crime. Most henchpeople out there aren't working for Two-Face because they want to wear the funny two-toned suit and masks. They need money to live, to support families, to try and get their kids or themselves out of this town. Batman never really thinks about this. Nope, it's just smack pow bop the henchmen on the way to the supervillain. Batman goes after everybody, from petty thieves to supervillains.

Bruce is in the privileged position of being very much able to change the landscape of Gotham. You know all the criticisms of Bezos and other billionaires? How they could house every homeless person in America and still have an obscene amount of wealth left over? Those also apply to Bruce. Crime is not something that just happens because people are bad. I read this news story once about how a millionaire guaranteed he'd pay college tuition for all the kids in a neighborhood and that caused the crime rate to drop drastically and the graduation rate to spike to 100%. Now look at Bruce. He's a billionaire - a multibillionaire. That's an impossibly vast amount of money, more than any person, real or fictional, should have. Say Bruce didn't do any vigilante-ing at all, but instead guaranteed the college tuition of every underprivileged kid in Gotham, or provided housing to every homeless person in Gotham. Imagine he spent his time making sure there was enough food to go around, that people weren't on the streets worrying about where their next paycheck was coming from. How much crime do you think he'd be able to stop from that?

You yourself point out that Bruce's method of showing his care for the city is so unnecessarily extra, and that's the point. He does care, but that doesn't mean that what he's doing is helpful, or even effective. Bruce has deluded himself into thinking that what's most helpful to Gotham is a masked man with fancy gadgets beating up criminals every night, because that's what helps him the most. It tends to depend on who's writing the story, but Bruce is very hands-off with Wayne Enterprises. Most of whatever's going on there is either without Bruce really doing anything or hiding some vigilante activity among supposedly helpful divisions of Wayne Ent. - Wayne Biotech (studying Poison Ivy or Ra's al Ghul's latest bioweapon, figuring out what Clayface is made of), Wayne Chem (identifying poisons and chemical markers), Wayne Tech (gadgets by Lucius Fox) - Wayne Enterprises might be doing good but it's still a business, and more than that, it's a front to keep Bruce's vigilante hustle going.

AND let's talk about the Robins. We don't like to think of them this way, but they're child soldiers, trained to be Bruce's private squad of crime-fighters. Dick was taken in at his most vulnerable, and instead of Bruce actually being a decent parent to him, allowed him to join him in crime fighting - at his oldest, a teenage boy - which is just wrong on so many levels. Jason was a poor orphan abducted off the street and pretty much given no other choice.

While I do think Bruce considers Alfred a father, I gotta say that obviously, Bruce becoming a vigilante is kind of a fail-state for a parent. Either Alfred wasn't able to find a proper therapist for Bruce to truly process his grief in a healthy way, or he wasn't able to be firm enough to stop Bruce traipsing around the world to train to fight crime. Not to mention, Bruce is often placed either in the single digits or early-double digits at the time of his parents' death. By the time he actually becomes Batman, he's lived longer without his parents than with them. I don't find it implausible that whatever path or ideas they had for their son could have become lost or corrupted over that time, not to mention childhood memories are notoriously faulty and selective.

[scripttorture]

Hello! I have a few questions related to your most recent post and the definition of torture. You said:

"A trained person who was never tortured will always out perform someone whose training involved torture."

According to everything else I have seen on your blog, this makes sense - the mental and physical trauma from being tortured have lasting effects which make certain tasks more difficult.

However, this seems to juxtapose certain tropes I've seen in US military training advertisements. For example, "Hell Week" in the Navy SEAL training seems like it would be torture if it was forced upon someone (like if the soldiers didn't sign up for it and didn't have the option to quit.). *Hell Week is when soldiers are training continuously for 5 days in freezing, wet conditions, with little more than 4 hours of sleep for the entire week, under insane amounts of physical and mental stress.

- If someone chose to be tested both mentally and physically, I feel like it wouldn't be torture. However, if the same exact conditions were forced upon someone else (testing their mental and physical limits without their consent or understanding), does your quote above mean that the person who did not have a choice would not reap the benefits of the training/testing? Or would the Navy SEALs be better soldiers if they didn't have to go through 'torturous conditions' during Hell Week, regardless of their choice to do so?

(I used Hell Week as an example, but I meant this question generally. I'm trying to figure out how to best train an elite soldier and avoid any harmful torture apologia tropes, while also making sure that they are able to handle insanely challenging situations)

- My other question has more to do with the definition of torture that you quoted from the UN in one of your master posts. If someone is being seriously injured (pulled fingernails, whipping, starvation etc), but not for the purposes of interrogation, punishment, or intimidation, is that still torture, or is that just abuse? And, regardless of what we call it, would the effects be the same as if it were torture for any of the three motives above?

Sorry if this is long and hard to understand, I can clarify if needed!

It’s not the longest I’ve gotten and it’s perfectly clear, duck*. :) Honestly this is a difficult topic with a lot of nuance, it’s better to take a longer and more thoughtful approach.

 From the stand point of the legal definition and what we study/understand as torture any consensual activity, however extreme, is not torture.

 But here’s where it gets interesting: consent and our attitude to an activity actually changes our response to pain. It may even change how much pain we feel.

 I’m going to take a slightly different example to yours. There are a lot of cultures globally that have practiced scarification, ritual cutting to deliberately form scars. And this can be done for a lot of reasons: membership of a family or clan, coming of age, traditional medicine, religion, you get the idea.

 A lot of people in these cultures describe their scars as incredibly important and the process of getting them as a moving, deep and positive process.

 This does not mean they wouldn’t be traumatised if they were attacked by someone with a knife.

 Being able to approach something painful and see it as positive really changes our perspective. It makes trauma and mental illness a lot less likely. And being able to back out, even if it’s just for a little while to take a breather, seems to make us able to withstand more pain then we would have otherwise.

 The simplest and most famous experiment that dealt with this relationship between our mindset and pain asked people to keep their hands in ice cold water. They timed how long people could do it when they were told to stay silent and how long they could do it when they were allowed to swear. If they swore they could hold their hands under for longer. An average of forty seconds longer.

 Looking back over O’Mara (Why Torture Doesn’t Work, a very good intro to how pain works and what it does to the brain) the way he describes it as by thinking of the experience of pain as a collection of three things. There’s the physical sensation itself, the nerves firing. But there’s also an affective component, how we feel emotionally about the experience and a cognitive component, how we think about it.

 Did you ever play that game as a kid where you stuff as many chilis as possible in your mouth to see who would spit them out first? I… might have done. And from what I remember it hurts an awful lot. But those memories to me are mostly about messing about with my friends, I remember trying to be stubborn about it and I remember us laughing at each other.

 This is a completely different experience to someone being held down and having chili stuff up their nose. But the difference isn’t necessarily in the physical damage done or the physical sensation of pain. It’s in the other components, the emotional response and the rationalisation.

 I also had a filling drilled in my tooth without painkillers as a kid. I don’t know how common this is in the West? It happened in Saudi. Honestly my biggest memory of it is the language barrier between myself and the dentist.

 These are anecdotes obviously but I’m trying to show that you probably also have experiences in your own life that back up the experiments too. The way we think about a painful experience really does make a huge amount of difference. And that means consent matters enormously.

 These soldiers are going into this experience knowing what to expect, how long it will last and that they can stop at any time. That makes a huge amount of difference. Those same factors have drastically increased the time volunteers will spend in solitary confinement for research. I’m pretty sure if I dug even a little I’d find pain studies with similar findings.

 Here’s the flip side: the physical factors are still in play.

 Sleep is an important physiological process that’s essential to normal functioning. Studies on consensual sleep deprivation have shown massive negative impacts on memory along with a host of other things that you can read about here.

 Let’s take a non torture example. A student who stays up all night cramming for an exam is not going to develop the symptoms of trauma that a torture survivors who was sleep deprived would. But the effect sleep deprivation has on memory is due to sleep playing an essential role in preserving memory (and learning more generally.) So they’re both likely to have difficulty remembering things in days just before and just after sleep deprivation. They’re also both more likely to have false memories and catch a bad cold.

 As a result of this memory impairment I question the educational value of anything involving sleep deprivation: you can’t learn while messing up the processes that let your brain remember things.

 There have been cases in the UK of people dying during training for the armed forces. Because while consent makes a huge difference, mindset makes a huge difference- our bodies still have limits. We can choose to push ourselves past those limits and, whatever our motivation or feelings, it can do real harm.

 Personally? I’m unsure of the benefit of these kinds of exercises. As in I’m unsure there is a benefit. Learning is going to be shot, chances of injury are going to be a lot higher- I don’t see anything that could be improved by these sorts of exercises.

 Anecdotally people do report feeling like a closer unit after going through these sorts of routines. That might be the benefit: moral and unit cohesion, possibly self-esteem too.

 If you’re making up something for your story I think it’d be helpful for me to mention a little statistical effect that gets used to justify punishment pretty regularly. Get some dice out if you’ve got them and roll one. Let’s say the number represents performance in some kind of test (because effort and learning matter but our performance also varies because of things we can’t control.) A roll of 1 gets punished, a roll of 6 gets praised.

 Now after you roll that first 1 statistically speaking the chances are your next roll will be better. And if you roll a 6 then statistically speaking the chances are your next roll will be worse. People observe this effect in real life and they often conclude that there’s no point in praising someone but that punishment leads to improvement. Really it’s just a statistical effect, after a particularly, noticeably bad day the chances are things will be better next and vice versa.

 This effect can make it difficult for people to recognise overall, long term progress. Which is the kind of progress you should be paying attention to when designing a training program.

 If you want good performance from people, whatever the metric, the most efficient thing to do is ensure that those people are; well fed, have access to clean water, get plenty of sleep, have breaks and have access to medical treatment when they need it.

 I’d say the main things to keep in mind when designing this fictional training regime are:

Being honest about the effects you describe, ie if they’re spending long periods without shelter are they at risk from exposure? If they’re standing in cold water are they going to get hypothermia?

Remember that even if something is damaging or causes lasting trauma it would not necessarily prevent someone from doing their job. Torture survivors have serious, lasting symptoms but many of them still work.

 I think I’m going to leave that there because I’m not an expert in militaries or training people. And keep in mind that I am a pacifist, read this with my biases in mind.

 Getting to the second question, there is a little more to the UN definition then that. The primary factor is still who the abuser is. For it to be torture (legally speaking) the abuser has to be (or be ordered by) an on-duty government employee, part of a group that controls territory (ie an occupying force). Some countries also count international organised criminal gangs in this definition.

 It’s also important to note that torture can be targetted at someone other then the victim. So if the police arrest the brother of a political opponent and beat him in order to intimidate the politician, that is still torture.

 Basically there are a lot of factors in the legal definition of torture and it’s that way by design. The hope is that you end up with a framework that captures as much government abuse as possible.

 But it also means that there’s a pretty high barrier when it comes to proving torture. Which means that things which are legally torture can be prosecuted as assault, bodily harm or equivalents to these, because it’s easier to get a conviction for those charges.

 Technically you are correct: if abuse done by a government official doesn’t have one of the four motivations in the legal definition (attempts to obtain information, forcing a confession, intimidation or punishment) then it doesn’t meet the definition.

 However in practice I’ve not heard of a case failing because of the motive.

 I’m not a lawyer and I’m not an expert in international law. I won’t say it’s never happened. But it’s much more common for cases to fail for other reasons. Off the top of my head I’d say the most common reason is difficulty proving the abuse took place.

 The most common types of torture today are ‘clean’, a term we use to indicate that they don’t leave obvious marks. If someone turns up with fingernails torn out or the skin of their back lacerated by a whip that is clear physical evidence of abuse. Nothing else causes similar injuries. But if someone turns up at a doctor’s with swollen feet or reddened skin, if they’ve lost a lot of weight or they’re so tired they’re struggling to stand… Well all of those things can be caused by common tortures. But they can also be caused by common illnesses.

 A lot of the deaths from torture today are similarly hard to prove. Beatings and stress positions ultimately cause death by kidney failure. Which can mean that prosecutors are asked to prove a victim didn’t have an underlying health condition. Or take drugs.

 Honestly my instinct is that the motive is the easiest thing to prove. It’s often harder to bring charges against people in positions of authority, regardless of the country we’re talking about. Bringing those charges, proving abuse took place and proving it was done by the person in question, those are usually the tricky parts.

 The difference between torture and abuse is scale. Torture is industrial scale abuse.

 The law doesn’t define that scale but that’s what we’re talking about when we talk about abuse from organised authority. Abusers might have dozens of victims. Torturers have thousands, tens of thousands.

 If you want to explore a different motivation in your story, something outside the legal framework, consider the scale at which this abuse is taking place. Consider how organised it is. If it’s organised and large scale, with multiple abusers, with no prior relationship between the abuser and victims then torture will probably be a better model then abuse. If it’s smaller scale with a more personal relationship and if it isn’t supported by a legal framework/organisation then abuse might be a better model.

 For victims and survivors the difference isn’t so much about the symptoms they personally experience as the… side effect of that scale. Abuse victims are often very isolated and may not know anyone who has had a similar experience. Torture implies a community of survivors and possibly generational trauma. There are also effects to do with access to support, access to medical care and how likely it is that someone will be believed.

 Torture survivors are often systematically disenfranchised in a way that abuse victims are not. Torture survivors are often forced to leave their home country. Anecdotally, based on what I’ve seen globally over the last few years, I think that struggling to get citizenship is increasingly an issue for torture survivors. And without citizenship there’s difficulty finding legal work, getting accommodation, accessing medical care, accessing the legal system etc.

 I do not know whether torture survivors are more or less likely to be believed by their community compared to survivors of abuse. I do not think any one has attempted a comparative study. I do know that the prevalence of clean torture means that many torture survivors are not believed and this puts up a further barrier, making it harder to access medical treatment and bring charges.

 Rejali’s book was published in 2009, so things may have changed a tad. At the time he was writing the average wait for a torture survivor to see a specialist doctor was about 10 years.

 Abuse is to torture what murder is to genocide. And there are difference on a wider social scale as a result.

 I mention all that because I feel it’s relevant but the impression I get is you’re mostly interested in the long term symptoms? In which case, yes the legal definition makes very little difference. The physical injuries caused by particular kinds of abuse don’t change depending on whether it’s a private individual or a police officer holding the Taser.

 The lasting psychological symptoms are not particular to torture; they’re what the human brain does when traumatised. The same symptoms can manifest in people who witness traumatic events but weren’t actually hurt themselves. They can manifest in people who were injured in accidents and they manifest in people who were neglected or abused. Hell, I have a couple of them, though no where near the severity a torture survivors would experience. A sufficient amount of stress is enough for these symptoms to start developing in anybody.

 You can find the general list of symptoms here. There’s also a post specifically about memory problems over here.

 The pattern I describe; that these symptoms are a list of possibilities not ‘every torture victim will get all of these’ holds true for trauma survivors generally. Anecdotally there is some variability with chronic pain being reported more often with some kinds of abuse. That might be because it can have physical causes, psychological causes or a mix of the two.

 Whether it’s torture or abuse there isn’t any way to predict a survivor’s symptoms in advance. Much of the advice I have about writing torture survivors and their symptoms holds true for trauma survivors generally. Which is why I’ll still take a crack at some questions that aren’t about torture.

 Pick the symptoms that you feel fit the character and serve the story. We can’t predict symptoms and that means that there’s no reason why you shouldn’t pick the things that appeal to you.

 And I think I’m going to leave it there. I hope that helps :)

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

*This is a weird English endearment. I had someone ask if this was me trying not to swear. 

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 51 - Amazing technology - 'Human with modified skull'

K: Hi this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's  episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome.

T: And thank you too.

J: Ta-da! We are wearing it.

K: Hahaha

J: We are wearing it. This is naturally cool, isn't it?

T: Yes.

K: Um, if we don't say anything the viewers won't understand.

J: Uh, Tasai, could you explain?

T: Um, so this is another Tokyo Sports T-shirt collaboration. We are putting one out.

K: It was a hoodie before, right? 

T: Yes, that was a collaboration with Don Quijote. This time we've collaborated with the store Hardcore Chocolate in Higashinakano, to create this really cool tshirt.

K: I'm wearing it too.

T: Oh, thank you. Its a Core-choco × Tokyo Sports collaboration.

*clapping/cheering*

K: The back is nice too.

J: Yeah, I mean, I can't see it myself though. What is written on it?

T: Its past Tokyo Sports headlines. The black is pro-wrestling headlines, like 'Inoki's grand KO defeat'.....'Hansen...near murder' etc.

J: Wow.

T: These shocking headlines are...

J: All over?

T: Yes, all over it. And as for the front, Joe, could you turn around?

J: Yes.

T: Those are copies of Tokyo Sports tied up with string, just on the verge of being thrown away, giving a kind if melancholic feel.

J: Ahh, this is cool too.

T: Its very Tokyo Sportsy.

K: Are the white and back versions different?

T:  Yes, they are different.

J: Ah! They are different?

K: The white one has 'Matsui' written on it.

T: Matsui's wedding.

J: Oh yeah.

K: This black one says, 'Brody'.

J: Pro-wrestling?

T: Yes, its mainly pro-wrestling. And the white is showbiz...

J: Sports and showbiz? Oh, so it is.

T: 'Elvis lives' and so on.

J: This is great...ah..'The Monster with 21 faces'!

K: Its nostalgic, isn't it?

T: Yeah, this type of thing.

J: Ahh..of course...Ah, shocking photos.

K: 'Discovery of Kappa'....'Madonna had hemorrhoids' haha.

K, J, T: Hahaha.

J: Does it really matter? haha.

T: Haha, that was about one time a long time ago when Madonna came to do a show in Japan. She requested a bidet toilet, so we reckoned maybe its because she had hemorrhoids.

J: Just from that? You put this headline with it?

K: Your info is thin!

T: Haha.

J: Right?! Zero fact checking! Guess after guess!

K: Incredible. So, there are two of these.

J: What should we do with them?

T: Well, I thought we could make them presents for the people who always watch The Freedom of Expression.

J: Ohhh! *claps*

K: There is black and white.

J: One of each?

T: Yes.

K: The size is S.

J: S?

K: Joe is wearing M, I'm wearing XL. Anyone who wants a big one..

J: Please but it.

K: Yes. For people who want S...um, what should we do...you could leave a comment on my Twitter..

T: With your thoughts on this show.

J: Of course.

T: Yes.

K: Yeah.

T: And we could choose one from those.

J: Leave a decent comment..

T: Like which was your favourite episode or something?

J: Ahh, you know how to do this!

K: Joe, its just that you're always drunk.

J: I'm always drunk, haha. When I see Tasai, Im learning how to conduct myself.

T: Excuse me brother, thank you very much.

J: Your stocks will rise with this tshirt. Yours and Tokyo Sports' stocks.

T: I hope so.

K: Everyone will be cool wearing this.

J: They really will be cool.

K: Please buy it, really.

J: If someone wanted to buy this, where do they get it from?

T: Probably online. You can buy it on Corechoco's site.

J: I see.

K: Ok, so today's story is a Tokyo Sports selection.

J: Its a Tokyo Sports day today.

T: A Tokyo Sports produced story...

The headline is 'Will we rise up in 2021? - Amazing technology, human with modified skull'. As for the content of the story, it asks what new technology will appear in the year 2021, and its by our science writer Hisano, who wrote about some of the things he'd heard.

J: Oh, so he's done it properly?

T: Yes. So firstly, well, we hear a lot about this A.I. deepfake problem at the moment, don't we? Like changing faces without permission, and making these made-up sexy images which cause harm, for example. *1

J: Yeah, its the basis of fake news, right?

T: We are hearing about that more and more, thats the first thing. Secondly, there is apparently this idea called, 'Trans-human' where people power up their own body with technology, and Hisano wondered whether Trans-human technology with develop a lot during this year. Specifically, well, there is actually someone doing this in Spain, Manel de Aguas. He peeled back the skin on his head and attatched self-mafe fin shaped devices to his skull. The fins contain a bone conducting oscillator and temperature sensor, so he can tell if the weather is hot or cold through vibrations in his head. So, this is a way to catch very small atmospheric changes that regular people wouldn't normally be able to sense.

J: I see.

T: And there are pictures of him, so please take a look.

J: If you go to the Tokyo Sports website?

T: Yes, you can see it there. Furthermore, well, there are quite a lot of other examples, like a 'trans-human' using prosthetics, or having an IC chip implanted into your hand to use for the train etc. On top of that, France has plans to make a conscription army like this. The name  of the project is 'The Bionic Soldier Project', which is a really cool name. They would be like super strong soldiers who never got tired and didn't need sleep, and who could heighten their sight and hearing with medication, and would have communication equipment embedded in their brains to connect directly to wireless  netwoks. Bionic soldiers..scary, right?

J: Yeah. Its like the end to the era of traditional fighting.

T: Research has been going on even longer America, in their Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, where paralyzed patients have had chips embedded in their brain, and have successfully been able to control drones with their thoughts. They've already done that. Even bedridden people can control drones. Technology his also being developed to go without sleep for 48 hours by running electric currents through the brain. This is not the talk of dreams, we are closing in on these things. There is also a plan by Nasa, a mission to redirect asteroids, where a robot spaceship would grab an asteroid, carry it over to the moon's orbit, and dig up minerals from it. Its like the world of Gundam. What do you think of this for 2021?

J: So, like these might become a reality within this year?

T: Yeah, some of them, as far as the technology goes.

K: It'll be like Robocop.

T: Yeah.

K: Its incredible, its like the world of 'Terminator'.

J: Yeah, it is.

T: In reality, controling a drone with the brain is aleady being used in China with toys.

J: With the brain..?

T: Like, controlling it with your thoughts by just imagining it rising. And in Japan..

J: You have to operate it.

T: In Japan they can be controlled with radio waves *2, but in China they can already move drones around using brain waves. Like, its technologically possible to attatch a bomb to a drone and make it fly somewhere and explode...its scary.

J: If technology advances this far, people won't need to study for exams and stuff, will they?

T: Thats right.

J: With a chip embedded...we talk about preventing cheating these days, but you would have all that data within you, or you could just go outside and remotely update.

K: Or you could send questions with just your eyes and get answers back.

J: Yeah, its like already at the point where you don't have to bother with tests or exams.

K: And it would mean no more back entrance admissions.

T, J: Yeah.

J: Yeah, like whoever has the money.

T: They might starts scanning people with metal detectors when they do exams to see if they have chips or something in them. Like, have you got a chip in your brain?? If it beeps, you'll know they have a chip.

K: They could put the people who have chips inside like anti-vibration shields..

J: Yeah, like to stop the transmissions.

T: Oh, yeah.

J: We're already getting to this point in time.

T: Do we even need to study anymore?

J: Yeah, like the era of people using their brains is ending.

K: We don't even really need universities and stuff anymore

J: We don't! Cause you have have access to all the information in the world in your head, whenever you like.

K:Yeah, if you have it ???*3

J: Well, there's also the issue of whether this kind of thing will be permitted by law. Like how far..

K: Yeah, it wouldn't be allowed immediately.

J: Yeah, like how far can human ability be harnessed in this way. I mean, there is the problem of genetic engineering too, but..thats where we are at now.

K: Well, there might already be people like this out there.

J: Well, yeah, the technology is there already.

K: You don't know whats going on in other peoples' heads.

J: Well, yeah. Eh, what if Kami is one of them?

K: No, I don't think he is. Absolutely not.

J: Haha

Kami: No, gods are different. But the bionic soldiers who don't need sleep, never get tired, and use medication to improve their sight and hearing...they've been around in Nishinari for a long time.

K: In Nishinari?

J: Haha

Kami: People who look like zombies, there have always been tonnes of them. There is also an article about a 'robot girlfriend to go for a walk with you', which Gifu University made, I'm interested  in that. I'd like to support Gifu University with that.

T: I see. Yeah, its a robot girlfriend who holds your hand and goes for walks with you, made by Gifu University.

K: What did Kami say earlier about women, doesn't he have woman trouble?

J: Oh yeah. Kami, don't women like you, being a god?

Kani: Thats a whole different story. Um, this is just a hand holding robot, but I'd like them to try harder with more in-depth research on this.

K: In-depth research? Haha

J: I don't know what he means by that. Kami!!

K: I mean, if they've been able to make the robot to this level, Im pretty sure they can also manage 'in-depth' research. haha.

J: They just won't announce it as university research, they stopped at holding hands.

Kami: Ah, I see. I wanna support deepfake technology too.

K: Ha, you wanna support it.

T: Well, this type of technology was originally invented for mens' pleasure. New technology can even start from such places. Like videos...

K: Ah, yeh, popular people from videos turned up a lot in this erotic stuff (*Sorry if I got this wrong*)

J: Ahh, yes, necessity is the mother of invention. Technology increases due human desires.

T: Yeah, thats it.

J: Well, this could be used for evil ways, or for more interesting ways. There are various ways to use it. Kaoru is there any kind of technology that you ever wanted to invent?

K: That I wanted to invent?

J: Like a specific type of robot or anything like that?

T: If you had a chip in your brain though, and you didn't have to study, what would you do?

K: But if all this stuff becomes normal, I think on the contrary, will might start to want to do things in more detail again. When you can get anything effortlessly, you will start to want to do those things that don't come effortlessly.

J: Ahh, hand made things will become nostalgic.

K: Our sense of value would change. People will want to go out and do things...if you can get everything you need without ever going out. And with food, it will be all there, ready as soon as you open the cupboard, right?

J: Yeah

K: Like, wouldn't you feel like going out instead?

T: Yeah, you'd want to go out and see live performances and stuff too.

K: People were told not to go out on New Years eve, but so many people still went out. haha

T: Oh, yeah.

J: Yep, human mentality just goes like that.

K: People will still go out. So, I think thats the direction it will head.

T: A.I. is pretty popular in human competions at the moment, for example with Shōgi, but in the end, what people really want to see is a human competing with another human.

J: Yes, I think thats true.

K: Yeah, its those natural variations

J: Thats it, we need those. Its that type of thing  that is impossible to calculate.

K: A computer couldn't come up with this type of thing. (*holds up Tokyo Sports tshirt*)

T: Haha

K: Its a product of wild fantasies.

T: Hahaha

J: Yeah, that would be impossible.

T: If we let A.I. do this kind of thing we would have lost. Tokyo Sports would be finished.

K: A.I. couldn't make this.

J: Its incredible.

K: 'Human gives birth to frog'.

J: Haha, A.I. could never write this.

K: It probably couldn't, right?

J: Only some bombed out person could do it otherwise.

K: It was worth making, naturally Tokyo Sports.

T: Oh, thank you.

K: So, everyone, please buy one of these tshirts. We have a black and white in size S here, so please send a tweet. Ok, we'll finish here this week. Please subscribe, thank you very much.

*1, 2 Not sure its exactly right.

*3 Couldn't figure out

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[furby-organist]

stress: does my muse handle stress well? what is a surefire sign for others to tell that they’ve become stressed? how does stress affect them mentally / physically?

I'll address the first and third question at the same time, followed by the second question.

How well Local Alastor handles stress is a function of

the stressor & how much experience he has with it

how much of the situation he can control / feels he can handle

how accessible his support system is/how accessible he perceives it to be.

His usual technique to stress is to put on upbeat music, flash a smile, and deliberately decide to have a good time. If he can tackle the cause of stress (e.x. he has a lot of stuff to do), he tackles it. If he can't do anything about it, step one is to prevent a mental spiral.

He can be really self-aware, and while he doesn't have formal medical language to describe himself, he knows that he's a mentally understimulated catastrophist, and that stress & misery are stimulating. And he refuses to entertain it if he can get away with it. The playbook is to put on some upbeat tunes, crack a joke, commit arson, offer himself some alternate form of distraction and stimulation.

(This is also how he stops others from spiraling. If you haven't been here long enough to see him handle it? This is what he does. This is like, half the purpose of the Extermination Day Broadcast. Does he think his impending death is fun? No, he's scared as shit. Can he do anything to stop the extermination? No. Can he vehemently refuse to be miserable about it and decide, in the face of fear, that he's going to DJ the damn thing and make it as much of a good time as possible? Yes! Not only is he a catastrophist, he's the most aggressively positive bitch in the building. It's a fun combination.)

If the stressor is too great, he doesn't feel like he can do anything about it either (from a situational perspective, or an executive function perspective) trying to be upbeat just highlights the chasm between the upbeat music, and how fucked up he feels inside. Time to shut down, lie on the floor, and emit weird music. Or get aggressive. Sometimes he gets verbally snippy, sometimes he gets violent.

I will say he's greatly improved since the start of this blog. Now, if he's feeling too stressed to function and can't dance his way out of it, he's sometimes comfortable reaching out to close friends and requesting company, someone to talk to, someone he can untangle his brain with, or just someone there so he's not alone with his own brain.

If the stress is prominent enough, you can tell if he's doing things like:

pacing back and forth, or otherwise appearing more restless than usual (switching seated positions frequently, etc)

emitting weird music or agitated static

being verbally snippy/aggro, particularly in a non-clownass way. just, mean.

being 'upbeat' but like with six different stimuli and his mouth running at 200 miles an hour. frazzled deer.

stress-cooking!!

[homeofhousechickens]

Hello, I was wondering if you could help me out a bit. Maybe you know of something I don't. Internet is not helping and my vet does know a lot about chickens but not enough to know what is wrong.

I have a bantam that has an issue with a very bad itch. I checked the coop and there is nothing. Even treated for blood lice etc to be sure. Other chickens are fine. She had a blood test done and her poop has been examined. No parasites or weird stuff. She did have some feather mites last year but since she was treated for that I have not seen a single nit. I also treat preventative because we have a lot of wild birds here that carry all sorts of stuff.

But she is constantly cleaning and scratching herself. So much so that almost all feathers on her neck and some on her head have broken off and she has scratch wounds underneath her eyes and next to her beak. She keeps falling over from scratching so much.

I'm getting a little desperate because she's obviously not very happy right now. She still lays eggs once a day and eats and drinks. But it's just weird.

One thing I noticed only because I have allergies myself, whenever there is a lot of pollen in the air she is itching worse than normal. Have you ever heard of a chicken with an allergy for pollen?

Has she had a skin scrape and culture done? Has she been on antifungals or given more then one permethrin dip? To be honest it sounds like this is depluming scabies which burrow under a chickens a skin and give birth to live young (so they dont lay eggs) they need to be treated with oral medication and dips and repeated after 8 days to break their life cycle. The coop, run, and nest boxes should be treated as well if mites are the cause.

This product specifically can help her soothe her skin regardless of the cause The measurement is about a teaspoon added to the chickens bath water, lather the chicken in the water and let them soak for around 15 minutes. Make sure to get every part of the chickens body without getting any in the eyes of mouth. Then rinse the chicken off half assed so it still has some of the shampoo water on it then carefully towel dry then blow dry. A skin scrape and culture is important because alot of things can cause those symptoms. Cancer,Heavy metal poisoning, parasites, bacteria, and fungal are all possible reasons for this (yeast especially can make chickens pluck). If she is self mutilating she should be separated from the other chickens as they will eventually notice and start making her wounds worse. (If you bring her indoors you will also be able to see if she improves away from potential allergens as well) You can ask your vet about what i have mentioned above, I highly suggest getting your bird pain medication prescribed by your vet (Carprofen and Metacam for example) intill you can find the cause. The vet may also be able to give you a steroid or something similar to help with any possible inflammation or immune response she is having right now. Finally if you cant figure out what is wrong with your hen and she isnt managed by medication it may be kinder to put her down as a chicken who self plucks will usually eventually be attacked by their flock mates and in general will be alot more stressed. If this illness is fungal in nature its also important to take into account why this chicken specifically got sick as skin fungal infections are pretty uncommon in healthy chickens and are more common in birds who have had their immune system comprised one way or another.

[maskydoolovesmasseffect]

Mass Effect Tag

Wellio, I’ve been tagged by @berryshiara. Passing this on to @grummel83

Gunna answer my questions now. Y’all feel free to tell me what you think of these answers. ​

I’m a fan since: 2008. I was just out of high school and still not over KoTOR. I was fresh in the army and got to talking to some other dude fresh to the army about video games. He asked me if I played Mass Effect. I said no. By the next day I just about totally forgot about him, then he suddenly appeared out of nowhere sat in front of me in the chow hall and pulled a copy of ME1 for Xbox 360 out his pocket like he was a magician doing a magic trick (ACU pockets are huge.)

Anyway turns out that guy was a romance option and I must have picked the right dialogue options. I’m still with him, too.

Favorite game of the series:

Mass Effect 2. It seemed like that’s the one where choices mattered most and you really got to know your squaddies. Also MAJOR gameplay improvements over the first game. And that game gave me the most freedom to do basically whatever I wanted and wasnt afraid to give me consequences for it.

MShep or FShep:

FShep. Nothing against MShep, but for me the real Shep is FShep. Can’t beat Jennifer Hale’s voice. 

Earthborn, Colonist, or Spacer:

Colonist. I like having the background of knowing just how dangerous the galaxy can be and how the Alliance can’t be everywhere at once so sometimes you need to manage your best on your own.

Biotics or Tech:

Both.

Paragon or Renegade:

Paragon, mostly. I tried being renegade but some of the actions are just so pointlessly dickish, or even outright unhinged in a way that would make it impossible to believe the Alliance would ever promote Shepard as an officer or even keep her in the Alliance at all, especially in the first game.

That said, there are times where a renegade action is more expedient and practical than a paragon one, like in 2 when you stab a dude in the back to prevent him from repairing an enemy gunship, so even with a paragon playthrough, my Shepard will have no issues taking that opportunity. She’s already seconds away from betraying all those guys anyway.  

Paragon in treatment of others, renegade in combat pragmatism.

Favorite Class:

I play as infiltrator and vanguard.

Infiltrator is great for using a sniping and opening loot, and then for going invisible, and if I remember right AI hacking too. That’s cool and I wish there were more genuine opportunities for stealth.

Nowadays I play as Vanguard in my playthroughs mainly just so my Shepard can be canonically biotic for story reasons. From 2 on when looting no longer needs a special skill and I get to charge around the map. I don’t really care much about using biotics (that’s what the squadies are for) but the movement is super useful (when Shepard actually does the thing instead of just standing out in the open soaking up bullets until the ability decides to actually work.)

Favorite Companion:

Garrus. I like to set him up in sniper positions. When he actually STAYS where I put him instead of running straight up to enemies to try to snipe them at point blank, he’s great.

Also his quips in 2 on are pretty entertaining.

Least Favorite Companion:

Garrus, Oh my god. Go back to the sniper position where I put you. Leave tanking to krogan; you do not have the HP for this.

Also Kaidan in ME1. He can not shoot to save his life - literally.  

My Squad Selection:

For all ME1 playthroughs after my first one, Ashley and Kaidan, just of their comments and because... well... I only have so much time with them.

Apart from that I mainly just pick my team based on who’s likely to have the most interesting commentary on whatever the mission happens to be, squad balance be damned. 

Favorite In-Game Romance:

Garrus X Shepard is my favorite love story. They are just so adorable together and always supportive even when they disagree.

But my cannon romance is Kaidan X Shepard for the drama and angst.

Favorite NPC:

In ME1 there’s this random Turian on Noveria who randomly has like a New York accent and I absolutely adore him. He plays basically no part in the story other than some minor information but he’s just so pleasant to speak to.

“If you need anything, I’ll be here.”

Favorite Antagonist:

Morinth, the Ardat-Yakshi daughter of Samara. Yes, she’s a murderous vampire who will absolutely kill you given the chance... but like, it’s a medical condition. And I really can’t help but feel for ardat-yakshi in general when their only options are to spend their whole lives on the run from justicars out to execute them, or waste their entire 1000 year lifespan imprisoned in a monetary unable to experience the world at all. Yeah, Morinth is evil, but Ardat-Yakshi don’t exactly have a good deal.

Favorite Loyalty Mission:

Grunt’s loyalty mission is the best. I get to help my baby boy, reunite with Wrex, enjoy krogan society being fleshed out, have a kickass battle against a thresher maw, and get a breeding request. It’s nice to have a quest that isn’t about family drama and genuinely gets a happy end.

Favorite Mission:

Despite Citadel DLC requiring everyone to have a deathgrip on an idiot ball, and also basically gloss over some really dark stuff, the whole clone storyline with the whole crew is an absolute ride all the way though, with lots of interesting and unique scenarios, a ton of replay-value, and funny party banter that feels like it came straight out of a Marvel movie.

Favorite DLC:

Again, Citadel DLC. Not only did it come with the story above, it also had all those interactions with past and present crewmates, including a memorial for Thane (finally!), a cool apartment to hang out in, a party, an arcade, and an awesome battle arena. It really added a TON. Also, it’s nice to see Bioware figure out that DLC needs characters - I’m remembering back in the DLC to ME 1 the party never had a single thing to say, no matter what was going on. The fun and wacky Citadel DLC is a far cry from the serious and somewhat dark space opera Mass Effect started as, but as the final DLC capping off the end of the series, it gets to do a silly victory lap (and get the taste of the ending out of our mouths.)

Control, Synthesis, Or Destroy:

No.

Favorite Weapon:

Sniper rifles, whatever I have that’s fast and has high damage output. Also that one pistol that shoots tiny energy grenades. Pew pew.

Yeah I wasn’t really big into the weapons so much. I’m here to get my story on. 

Favorite Place:

The presidium on the Citadel. It bothered me a lot when I couldn’t explore it in the second game. I know it would have been terribly impractical, but as the presidium is just a huge ring, it would have been cool to be able to explore the whole thing, going past all the little park areas, shops, monuments and so on until you loop aaaaall the way back around to where you started. Like, how cool would it be if the ring had a running track? Maybe C-sec  academy trainees would be spotted jogging together along it in formation. And can you imagine grabbing a coffee (I was going to make up a space-related name for Starbucks but it’s already STARbucks...) and taking a nice stroll along the water before finding a nice bench to alien-watch from? Other locations in the game are like great places to explore and do gameplay stuff, but the presidium seems like a nice place to just be.

Favorite Quote:

"Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer." - Javik.

This is such a fucking raw damn line. It makes me think a lot about Cerberus. When ME3 wasn’t out yet, I thought maybe the plan was Shepard would at some point choose a side, Alliance for paragons and Cerberus for renegades. It would have been so cool to have morality not merely be good vs evil, but idealism vs that ruthless calculus Garrus mentioned. How fucking raw would it be if Cerberus wasn’t just generically evil for no reason and suddenly indoctrinated but really were embodying that ruthless calculus, determined to defeat the reapers at any and all cost. Maybe Cerberus actions’ were more likely to do terrible things for the sake of ultimate victory, doing whatever it took, whereas the Alliance would be less willing to make the terrible choices and ultimately be less likely to succeed.

Now obviously, that’s not what happened, as it would have required Bioware to basically make two entirely separate games. But that line from Javik makes me think of that concept, and a universe where like Dragon Age party members can approve or disapprove of actions not merely as good or evil but along the lines of their personal values. I think Javik would sit at victory at all cost.

Also that one mission in 2 where some random NPC catches Shepard sneaking around and is all like ‘what are you doing here?’ and Shepard is like ‘What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Get out here before it blows!’ and the guy’s freaking out like WTF and she says ‘RUN!’ then laughs to herself as he flees from an imaginary bomb. Shep you troll. 

The thing I like the least about the entire franchise:

The misogyny and objectification that crept its way in, epically from the second game on. Really didn’t like those ass-shot camera angles, or female characters being slut-shamed in-universe for the clothes the designers made them wear. Yikes. 

But the biggest yikes for me in that regard is actually the reveal in 3 that the prothians guided asari development. That was fine and all, but the part that bothered me was the characters commenting “ooooh, so that’s why asari are so advanced,” as it was ever any kind of mystery before that exact moment. For one thing, asari aren’t really shown as being more advanced than anyone else, apart from having discovered the citadel first, and for second, why wouldn’t asari be advanced? All the way from ME1 it’s established that 1: Asari live for a really long time, and 2: can instant transmit information directly from brain to brain. That means they have long lifetime in which to accumulate knowledge and experience, and also can easily spread and preserve that knowledge without even the need for books. That ALONE should put them ahead. And even with all that, they only barely beat the salarians to discovering the Citadel first. But no one asks for an explanation for why salarians, who live only a few decades and can’t do mental data-transfer, are so advanced. No, only the success of the all-women race needs explaining. It was just one moment but it still bugs me. 

Also the general loss of realism after the second game. First game everyone gets armor, including full-face helmets automatically on in environments that need it. After that, people can apparently just wander the battlefield half-naked and even somehow survive in a total vacuum if they just put a plastic cup (that isn’t even connected to anything) over their mouth and nose. In the first game they at least made up some reasonable-sounding science fiction explanation for things, but after that it’s like F-it everything is just space magic now. 

Oh, and those repetitive unlocking stuff minigames. I use a mod to just skip those. 

[biohackingcongress2021]

Hack Biohacking: Where to start with Biohacking & Health Optimization

Biohacking is getting more and more popular in the world. People are interested in upgrading their lives and taking control of their health. The new era of DIY biology and self-improvement is here.

Tim Gray, the UK-based leading biohacker and founder of the Health Optimisation Summit, shared his personal story on becoming a biohacker and implementing the strategies to boost biohacking for health.

“First of all, we need to define what biohacking is. It is an art and science of biology, self-experimentation to take control of your health. Basically, it's targeted and quantified. It's not just getting more supplements. It is mimicking a natural environment in an unnatural world.

“Our natural world is preventative of health care. It's figuring out why you have something going on and fixing it as opposed to just taking another drug or supplement for whatever reason. Most importantly, and thanks to Dave Asprey, for this, it's making biohacking health fashionable as a critical thing.

“It's more unconventional and fashionable to be healthy than it is to go out drinking and go to club nowadays, which is absolutely why the tide is turning, and it's becoming bigger and bigger.”

It's also essential to define what’s true biohacking. “It's not chip implants, even though I've got a glucose monitor, reading my glucose every day. It's not chip implants, and it's not editing genes to make your cat glow. And like the media is trying to make, I guess, belittle biohacking because it's just so powerful. And the reason why it's so powerful is because it works. This really works.”

Biohacking is health optimization. It is bringing in the best from all of these. It has complete flexibility to help you fix your health or be optimal. It's not in one mindset that a medical license restricts you. It's not with one bias. It's ego-free. It's saying ‘I am going to do what works’ and ‘I'm going to take control of it myself.’

The biohacking products are great supporting tools for biohacking for health. But what's more important is how do they all fit together? Before taking 40 or 50 different biohacking supplements a day or having UV IV or red light therapy, where do we start? They all help. But they're not fundamental.

Every one of these fundamentals fits into three categories ーmind, body, and environment.

The biggest thing is where to start and biohacking. What do you want out of it? But why are you doing it? Is it because you want your health back? Is it biohacking for longevity? Because you want to live forever. Because you're a billionaire and don't want to lose everything you built. Is it for peak performance because you're running multiple companies? Or is it because it's cool, or a combination of all of those? It's really important you start with why.

Tim started doing biohacking for health. His advice on how to figure out your reason is to write down what you want out of it. “For instance, if you're having trouble sleeping, if you've got problems with your immune system, or energy or libido, mental clarity, bloating, whatever it may be. This is very flexible to any of the symptoms or anything you've gone on, understanding what you want out of it, and rating each of those things, which isn't for everyone to use. It's for you to work out what you should be improving.”

“My most important things have been mental clarity and immune system. I kept on getting ill and was prescribed a lot of drugs. As a result, my brain wasn't working. My logic was that if my brain is working, I can figure all this stuff out. So, I went with the mind first, immune second.

“It's essential on this journey when you've done some research, to work with a functional medicine doctor that knows a lot of this. And every other specialist and guru out there take on board what they say, but come to your own conclusions.

“The biggest thing I have learned along this journey is to test and track and optimize myself based on that metricks.

“At one point, I was tracking 35 markers a day, some personal, some through tracking with particular devices. Then, I can plot that on a graph to see where the correlations were and how one thing had a cause and effect on another. But all of this to one side for the minute. These are the basic things that you should do before you do anything else. And this is over the last nine years before I even knew what biohacking or bulletproof coffee was as a term. This is everything that has led me back to this first.”

The key thing to do for biohacking for beginners:

 ●       Optimize your grounding. There's science behind grounding, specific science that reduces inflammation in the body.

●       In addition, Tom recommends getting an oral microbiome test done because health starts in the mouth. If you haven't got the right microbiome in your mouth, your gut is not going to be right. Nowadays a good portion of people take probiotics, but they don't check their oral microbiome. That’s not the best example to follow.

●       Make sure that your livers are optimized based on the genetic side of things.

●       Get decent sunlight, and if you're not getting decent sunlight, optimize with vitamin D and vitamin K.

●       Exercise every day. Longevity and lifespan increase significantly if you exercise, but not so much that you stress your adrenals and become ill as a result.

●       Optimize your diet.

●       Optimal oxygen and breathwork. Wim Hof's work does so well because people aren't focusing on their breathing enough. Therefore their essential bodily functions aren't working correctly. The Wim Hof Method is making you focus on your breath.

Stay tuned into the latest biohacking technology for biohacking your body and brain with our biohacking community. Check out the Top Biohacks section. Pick the best products from innovative biohacking companies!

Watch 50+ lectures, panel discussions, and performances from renowned biohackers with a BiohackingCongress year-long subscription. Get your access to a healthy future now by this link.

Based on the lecture by Tim Gray.

[maychorian]

Personal announcement: I'm about to go on medical leave for two weeks, possibly six. I will not be able to see well during that time, so I don't know how active I'll be on tumblr or if I'll be writing. I'm hoping that I'll still be able to do fandom stuff in some way. I'll be able to read fics on my phone, at least, but comments are likely to be less effusive than you may have come to expect from me because I absolutely despise writing on my phone. Or maybe I'll use text to speech and it will be an absolute mess, I don't know yet. But I still love you, and I will miss you, and hopefully I'll be back.

Detailed explanation below.

I have a condition called keratoconus in both of my eyes. It was diagnosed in my left eye when I was fourteen, and in my right eye when I was in college. The condition causes the corneas to be misshapen, slightly cone-shaped, which makes them thinner than the average cornea and there's a threat of perforation. The warped surface means that my vision is blurry, yes, but also I see a lot of things double and triple, especially high contrast things like black text on a stark white background or vice versa. Halos around light sources at night are also a problem. And I’m sensitive to light, but I keep my house dim and wear a visor when I get out, and that’s enough to handle it.

By the time my right eye was diagnosed, my left was so bad that it could not be corrected anymore. It had deteriorated very quickly in the previous five or six years. So having the right eye diagnosed as well felt like a sentence of blindness. Like a death sentence. I was terrified. I cried in my eye doctor's office. Fortunately, the right eye has not gotten that bad. It stabilized toward the end of my twenties or early thirties.

Still, my eyes are bad enough that glasses don't work to correct them. I have to use hard contacts. The contacts kind of replace the corneas, resting over the top, but they also shape the corneas slightly. Wearing them lets me see, but they can also have bad effects on the eyes if I'm not careful.

I had a cornea transplant in my left eye in 2013. I was so hopeful that I would finally be able to see out of that eye after years of it simply being lazy and wandering away. Unfortunately, the transplant was not a panacea. Even with a new, scleral hard contact, my left eye is only about 20/100. But it's better than it used to be, and it's not as lazy anymore. I can tell that it's actually contributing to my vision, and if I cover it for any reason, I get a little sick and dizzy.

But the right eye does pretty much all of the work. Without the right eye, I cannot see to read or drive or do my usual daily activities, like my customer service job. Certainly one of my greatest fears is still losing vision in that eye and no longer being able to function as I'm used to. I would rather go deaf, even though I love music very, very much.

Back when I first started talking about a transplant with my eye surgeon in Indianapolis (oh yeah, I'm fortunate enough to live two hours away from one of the foremost experts on keratoconus in the world), we also discussed a procedure for the right eye, called cross-linking. It was experimental at that time. They talked about getting me into study. But with regular visits and checks, when it seemed like my right eye was pretty much stabilized, it seemed like I wouldn't need it after all.

I had another one of those check-ups last week. There, the eye doctor told me that they were worried about the right eye, after all. There's something called...post anterior float, I think? Something like that. In any case, my right eye has crossed a line where it started to be concerning. Even though as far I could tell my vision was stable, and my numbers might have even improved since my last visit, they saw enough difference between when I first started seeing them in 2013 and now in 2020 that they wanted to do a deeper check.

So, I need to take out the contact in my right eye to let the eye revert to normal. This will take about two weeks. I have an appointment on 8/11/2020. Tomorrow is 7/29/20. Between those two dates, I will not wear my contacts.

On 8/11, my dad is going to drive down with me to Indy to get my eye checked. Then, if they decide I need to go ahead and get the cross-linking done, we'll do that the next day. It's not experimental anymore, so that's a good thing. What they'll do is basically spray riboflavin in the eye and then shine a special UV light on it. This strengthens the links between the proteins of the cornea and causes them to harden. The point of this is to stop the progression of keratoconus, kind of freezing my cornea the way it is now, so I won't need a transplant in the future.

If we do that, I won't be able to put my contact back in for another month.

So I won't be able to see. For two weeks, possibly (probably) six weeks. I am very depressed about this. I was a little surprised at how viscerally my body and my psychology reacted to this, honestly. It felt like that diagnosis in college. Like a sort of death sentence. Even though it should be temporary, it's a lot of my old fears rising up and grabbing me by the throat again. I don't want to lose my vision, not even for a few weeks.

But this is all about prevention and keeping it from getting worse. I have to do it. Even though I really don't want to.

I've been in a morbid mood all weekend, counting down to the days until I wouldn't be able to see anymore. Now I'm counting down the hours. When I woke up this morning, I thought, completely unironically, "The Dawn of the Final Day." All in caps like that.

Every single time I put in my hard contact in my right eye, it feels like a miracle. I can't see, then I can see again. I've always been so, so grateful for modern medicine, for the hard plastics that technology has created, for the specialized processes and all the work that's come before to make my life as livable and enjoyable as it is. Even twenty years ago, this condition would be much, much harder to live with. But as it is, I've gotten along quite well for many years.

And now I'm losing my miracle. Temporarily, certainly. But it hurts. I'm kind of in mourning.

I'll be okay, I'm sure. But there it is.

[chiisai-fukurou]

About my hiatus :)

Long time no see... It has been a while since I published an article here...

A lot has happened and I think I cannot look at my blog the same way I did... I’ve been to Japan again last December and it was wonderful. I’ve spent a lot of time helping my friends and a lot of time visiting a neurologist for some troubles I’ve had for as long as I could think. It took a lot of time off of my schedule that I had to work hard to get back.

For a long time I had to fight with that feeling of being alien and not being able to fit in. For as long as I could think a lot of things just went over my head and I couldn’t fathom some things that happened around me. I cannot share a lot of things people around me think and talk about. There has been this suspicion that I’m autistic for a long time now so last year I decided to bite the bullet and get an appointment for a diagnosis.

It took 7 month of waiting for me to get to my first appointment. I chose a reputable neurologist/psychologist because I’m not a fan of “I think I have XX and just need a doctor to sign the diagnosis I made myself.” because if you want to improve your situation an accurate assessment of your current status is kind of paramount. I had several, hours long appointments that were quite costly but to me it was worth the time and money I paid for it. It was a very interesting experience too. There is a lot of testing and there are a lot of questions being asked to make sure it isn't something else causing you these troubles. There are a lot of things that can cause similar symptoms that are not autism. So carefully getting to the bottom of things takes time and multiple appointments to make sure that a bad or a good day didn't impact the diagnosis. I had to get a MRT too to make sure it is not brain damage that is causing the symptoms. I’m happy to declare that my brain is okay :) I’m however impartial to the diagnosis of autism/Aspergers.

I’m very happy I did this. The diagnosis allows me to get adequate help should I need it and it helps me understand my surroundings a lot better. The neurologist had a great analogy for my situation too: Autists have a different operating system running their hardware. Stimuli get processed in a very different way and there is no filter or automation happening that could help you with even simple conversations... Hence the seeming inability of autistic people to do smalltalk... Imagine the hell that human interaction can be, having to think of every sentence you say because you cannot do it casually or automatically, not being able to read the mood, knowing that you disappointed or hurt people without any chance of preventing it in the future... To many people this sounds weird and like I’m not even trying... I’m and the Neurologist told me I’m really well adapted but there are limits to how well one can adjust. Basically “normal” people have a social autopilot that handles a lot of things for them and autistic people don’t. We can never really relax in a social event because we get battered with details that we can't filter out. It’s tiring and yet I wish it wouldn't be tiring... because I wish to share things with friends and people. It took some time to get things sorted and deal with this experience.

I’m fine and in some way I felt liberated and happy I finally know what is up.

I had to weed out some connections that caused me grief and think of many things that happened in the past. A lot of things make sense now :)

I had an accident too this year breaking my left arm (;_;) and some stuff on my bicycle... I had a strained neck too... the surgeon didn't want to believe how quickly my bones healed (°_°;) The crack that ran through 75% of my Ulna wasn't visible or detectable anymore after 3 weeks...  The accident happened while I was riding at 40 km/h on my bicycle and touched a curb with the wheels... It happened after a long long day at work right when the whole COVID19 thing started to take off in Germany. I couldn’t get lunch at work and had spend the whole day on water with a empty tummy... I was tired, hungry and worn out. I just wanted to go home and didn't pay enough attention...

Anyway I’m fine now :) My bike is fine again too :)

However because of this a lot of tasks at work were piling up and when I came back I had to do a lot of stuff trying to get on top of things... Because I work at a company that makes medical devices the current situation kind of overwhelmed the company as well... basically we get as many orders per month as we used to get within a year... This is incredibly challenging as our suppliers often can't keep up with the demand but I’m very happy to report that everyone of them is doing their best to keep up and to stay on top of the whole situation :,) I’m happy i can do my small part in saving lives and I think that a company where people stick together and try to do their best in trying times is incredibly valuable :)

Last year, while travelling through Japan, I once again noticed how awful tourist spots have become (-_-) Japan is close to my heart and I like the country and its people a lot. Many tourists behave badly, not out of ill intent but out of ignorance... Japanese value quiet, peaceful and clean behaviour but a lot of tourists seem to be unable to behave this way... They litter, leave toilets behind that are disgusting, are rude, don’t pay attention and seem to think Japan is a theme park. I like this country and I’m saddened that other foreigners tarnish the image of visitors and are taking advantage of incredibly kind people who welcome you as a guest :,( I felt bad that I wrote all those articles that might have inspired this kind of people to go to Japan :,( I want this kind of people to stay at home. You're ruining it for everyone else. My friends cheered me up a lot. Still the sight of drunken tourists puking on Takao-San in Tokyo or yelling loudly in a group at a shrine, throwing their cigarets and garbage on the streets in Kyoto, running through the streets while yelling or necessitating the fencing in of neighbourhood shrines because some dippshit thought it would be fun to put graffiti on them makes me incredibly sad. I’m sorry for the negativity but this has been troubling me a lot.

I received some questionable messages too... I’m a guy but some people seemed to assume that I’m a Japanese girl for some reason... 

Anyway I kind of came to terms with things and will start writing again.

I hope people will become more respectful over time :)

I’m sorry for the rant I put in this article m(_ _)m I felt like I had to get it off of my chest because this has been bothering me a lot.

P.S. if you think autism is caused by vaccines, being autistic is better than being dead or to suffer from the consequences of an otherwise preventable disease. You do not “get” autism, one of the conditions that has to be met to get a diagnosis is that you had to have symptoms right from the start. Things that can cause similar symptoms are brain damage, PTSD, ADHD (you are born with that  too and cannot get it) and certain medications. These however are different from autism in that they have to be treated differently. Hence the focus during diagnosis on making sure not to diagnose one of the other things as autism. I showed symptoms for as long as I can think back. 

I hope you’ll forgive me for my long absence and won't change your attitude towards me :)

I’m still me albeit more confident and accepting of myself since I don't need to pester myself with questions like “why didn't i understand that.”, “Why can't I do that?”, etc. :)

Thank you to everyone who read through all of this :) I wish you a great time with sweet daydreams (^-^)/